Split (1)

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Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle. Clyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat] Stan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now! Kyle: Okay, hang on a second I- Stan: [pulls Kyle away] Right now, goddamnit! Kyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you? Stan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid] Kenny: (WHAT??!!!?) Kyle: Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?! Stan: Yeah! He just got paroled! Kyle: Oh, no! No! Cartman: Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on? Kyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. Cartman: Really? That's cool. When did- [realizes what Kyle has just said and stops completely in place] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?! Kyle: Yeah. Cartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God... Stan: What the hell are we gonna do?? Butters: [runs up to the boys] Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?! Cartman: It's true. Butters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling] Cartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men. Kyle: Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool. Scene Description: Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such. Stan: Dude, let's play Fireman. Kyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman. Cartman: Jews can't be firemen. Kyle: Shut up, fat ass! Cartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew! Kenny: (How about we put a real fire out?) Stan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes! Cartman: But how do we start a fire? Kyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a shot of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows] Trent: Say Uncle! Boy: Uncle! Trent: [two more blows] Say Uncle!!!!!! Boy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him] Trent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?! Kyle: Do you know how to start a fire? Trent: Sure! I burn lots stuff. Stan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out. Kyle: We're firemen! Trent: Do you dickheads even know how to put out a fire? Stan: Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time. Cartman: Don't worry, Trent. Trent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on fire] Butters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful. Cartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing! Butters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches fire] Stan: Wow, cool! Kyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen! Stan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the fire! [the other boys come and imitate the fire truck noises while pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.] Stan: We're heroes! Kyle: [smiles] We saved the school! Trent: [sees that the fire is spreading] Put it out! Ms. Claridge: [a female, notices the fire and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?! Trent: They said they could put it out! Ms. Claridge: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the fire out with a blanket. The blanket catches fire, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'M BUUURNIIIING!!! Stan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance. Paramedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring] Stan: Dude, we are in so much trouble! Kyle: My mom is gonna break my legs! Cartman: Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did. Stan: That's true. Officer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea. Stan: No! Kyle: Not us. We're good kids. Trent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out. Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time! Trent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened! Butters: U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me. Trent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us! Cartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it! Scene Description: The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again. Stan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released. Cartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents! Kyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident! Stan: Shhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge] The boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them] Stan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away] Cartman: You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart! Kyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy. Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget." He approaches the check-out desk. Warden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switch-blade knife with "Kill all betrayers" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops] Trent: I gots some business to take care of. [leaves] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door. Butters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.] Stephen: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase] Butters: Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad. Stephen: Butters, what is wrong with you?? Butters: Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all. Linda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play. Butters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again] Linda: Why not? Butters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again] Stephen: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now! Butters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room- Scene Description: Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously. Stephen: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him] Butters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book] Linda: What on earth is the matter with him? Stephen: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life. Butters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me! Linda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs] Butters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while. Trent: [beat] Five years. It's been five long, miserable years. Butters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it! Trent: Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?! Butters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'. Trent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start. Butters: No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through. Trent: Four seconds! Butters: Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color- Trent: Three seconds! Butters: Ohhh hamburgers! [runs away] Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside. Linda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard] Stephen: What happened to him, Doctor? Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride. Linda: What's that? Dr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure. Linda: If only we had let him in! [faces Stephen] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob] Stephen: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room] Cartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters! Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years! Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister! Stan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection. Cartman: [now yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters] Stan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off] Scene Description: A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed. Sixth grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small fire, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweet! Sixth grade leader: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach] Kyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here! Stan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders. Sixth grade leader: Stupid little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?! Stan: We've come to... ask you for help. Sixth grade leader: Help?! [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily] Kyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully. Sixth grade leader: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward] Cartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the Sixth Grade Leader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside] Sixth grade leader: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies! Kyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want? Sixth grade leader: You're Stan Marsh, right? Stan: Yeah. Sixth graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! [Stan develops a worried face] Sixth grade leader: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest] Sixth graders: Yeah. Awesome. Stan: What?! Sixth grader 2: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever. Sixth grader 3: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits. Stan: Dude, weak! Sixth grade leader: Come back with a naked picture of your mom! Stan: [after some thought] No! Sixth grade leader: Then we aren't helpin' you! Kyle: Wait! We'll do it. Sixth grade leader: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies! Cartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool. Scene Description: Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron. Scene Description: South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other. Woman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side] Woman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes] Man 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk] Man 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck] Scene Description: A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his knife in hand. Trent: Can Kyle come out and play? Sheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon. Trent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away] Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman. Stan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class. Cartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts. Stan: But mom, my teacher will- Cartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: [normal] But Mo-o-o- Cartman: [with more feeling] "But Mo-o-o-om." Stan: This is hopeless! Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes? Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs! Kenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it!) Stan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of. Kyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space] Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness. Cartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my ass cheeks. Kyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.] Cartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now. Stan: How do you know?! Cartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff! Stan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checking the book to be sure. He then steps back] Kyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace. Kenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.] Kyle: [lowers the camera] God, I hope this works. Scene Description: The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach. Stan: Excuse me! Sixth grade leader: What do you want now?! Stan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys] Sixth grader 4: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs? Sixth grader 5: No way! Sixth grader 2: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen! Sixth grader 8: Whoa! Sixth grader 4: Check them out! Sixth grade leader: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack! Sixth graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Sixth grader 3: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett? Sixth grade leader: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us! Cartman: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world! Kenny: (All right!) Sixth grader 9: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes. Sixth grader 2: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you. Sixth grade leader: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow] Stan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday? Kyle: [after some thought] Naw. Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street. Kyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up! Cartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass. Stan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge? Man 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner] Cartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Huh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full. Dr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly! Nurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here! Dr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie? Nurse 2: Worst one yet. Sixth grader: It's all slimy and spitty! [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain] Dr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies] Stan: Dude, what happened? Sixth grade leader: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us. Kyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans] Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl. Stan: What's that? Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys are flabbergasted] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, outside. Stan: We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him. Cartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh] Kyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible! Stan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help. Kyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders. Stan: [looks down] There is... one person. Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Shelly is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach. Stan: Shelly? Shelly: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television! Stan: Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other. Shelly: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd! Stan: Shelly [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelly notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan] Shelly: [in Stan's face] Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you? Stan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault. Shelly: Oh, you are such stupid turds. Stan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us! Shelly: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job. Kyle: So you're gonna help us? Shelly: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return. Cartman: A picture of your mom's boobs? Shelly: Shut up, turd! [all four of the boys stand back in fear] You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did! Stan: Admit it was our fault? Shelly: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good] Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her. Man 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply] Woman 3: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply] Man 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply] Man 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.] Stan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you. [no reply] Kyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids. Cartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret. Kenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply] Stan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was "Fireman." Trent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him. Kenny tightens his hood.] Five years I've been waitin' for this day. Cartman: Aaaaaaaah! Stan: Trent, look, we've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up] Cartman: Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair] Trent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives! Kyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection] Trent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBRA STREISAND!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANISTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser gun as the other boys fall in behind him] Cartman: Stay away from us, Trent! Stan: What is that? Cartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man! Trent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with. Cartman: I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters! Trent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses.] Scene Description: The taser tips hit Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her battery up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane tanks just outside the store. Those tanks in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches fire and spins around a few more times. Her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats attack her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a fire hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water shoots up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle. Officer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh? Trent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds] Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir. Officer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [two beeps, so no] Yes, yes. Take him away! Trent: [a blond officer arrests him] No! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses] Kyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad! Cartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now. Stan: Yeah, who cares? The boys: Yeah, woohoo! Cartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and notice Cartman's buttcheeks.] Sixth grader 2: Hey, hold on a second! Cartman: Uh oh. Sixth grader 2: Bewbs! Sixth grader 1: Omigod! Sixth graders: Boobs! Sixth grader 1: [as the others argue over them and carry Cartman away] I'm taking them to the bushes! Sixth grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first! Cartman: Hah! Hey!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Some of the families are gathered there Randy: Okay, is everyone ready to go? Sheila: Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted to see Cirque du Cheville. Sharon: Me too. We were lucky to get tickets. [calls out] Come on, boys! We're gonna be late. [the boys, dressed in their Sunday best, walk in with heads down in resentment] Liane: Oh, don't they look precious? Stan: Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this just a circus, with elephants and lions and stupid clowns Sharon: No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. They get acrobats and singers from all over the world and then do very artistic things.. Kyle: Awwww! Grandpa: [rolls up] Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that fufu French theater crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders! Sharon: Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts! Grandpa: Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrappin' their peckers around each other's faces! Sharon: Come on, everybody, let's go. [the others turn and head out the front door.] Grandpa: [follows] Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man. Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, night. Folks are streaming in to get seats. Next, under the Big Top Sheila: Oh, this is so exciting Sharon: Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley. Stan: Where? [a clown appears next to him, and he looks up] Oh, no. [the clown pulls out an umbrella and a bicycle horn, squeezes the horn and gets showered by the umbrella. The adults laugh, and the clown offers him the umbrella] Ha ha, very funny, thank you, goodbye. [the clown insists Stan take part, and the parents laugh at the sound of the horn] No, thank you. [the clown tries again] Go away, please. Cartman: He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, clown! Beat it! [Liane smacks him on the back of the head] Ow. [the clown tries once more with Stan. Stan rolls his eyes, takes the umbrella, and is showered by it when the clown presses the horn. The crowd roars with laughter as the clown revels in his cleverness] Randy: You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley? [Stan looks up angrily] Cartman: [comments] Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, somebody stop my guts frm bursting out of my sides! [the clown gets mad as Cartman talks, then takes the umbrella from Stan and walks away in a huff] Announcer: [affecting a French accent] Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking and no flash-photography during Sarque du Son Bleu Cartman: [echoes the announcer] Sarque du Son Bleu. [sticks his tongue out. A performer comes out and starts singing] Oho, we've reached fag factor 5, captain. Liane: Eric, sshhhh. [the performer is joined by men rolling by in wheels behind him and others prancing by in front. The parents smile in awe] Kyle: How long does this thing last? Stan: Two hours. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny: Awwwgh. Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, later. A troupe of twelve dancers leap high and drop down again. The parents are still in thrall, and their eyes follow the dancers' leaps. Cartman is now asleep. Some time elapses, and a singer sings her song. The other three boys are getting sleepy. The smiles are gone from the parents' faces. The singer is shown with a two-person high-wire act overhead. Little "birds" pop out from her dress and dance around. A new act appears, and Stan is looking away feeling bored. Kyle and Kenny seem more awake. An invisible man in a visible suit walks on, and a green man with big ears jumps out of the floor in front of him. The green man and the man shake hands, and the green man rips the man's right arm off. A new act comes on, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are really drowsy. The curtains open to reveal five girls, and they come forward to dance Sharon: Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are curious. Each of the quints lays on her stomach and puts her feet over her back and on her head.] Kenny: (Woohoo!) [Stan and Kyle stir, and Kyle nudges Cartman] Cartman: Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers? [the quints pile on to make an X, then roll off and reposition themselves into a circle] Kyle: Whoa. [a few twirls, and the middle one is thrust into the air. The two girls on the outside leap up and land on the other two's heads and catch the middle girl, to form a pentagon. Then they form a large cat, then a yacht,...] Stan: Damn, dude. [...then the Eiffel Tower, and finally, a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The crowd cheers] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Yayy! Kenny: (Oh yeah! Woohoo!) Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, dismissal. The crowd exits the tent Sheila: Oh, that was wonderful! Sharon: Yes. Too bad it was their last show, or I'd go see it again. Kyle: Those contorting Romanian chicks rule. Cartman: Yeah, especially that second one from the left. She was fine! Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! They're identical! Cartman: Not that second one from the left; she had it goin' on! [they pass "LE SOUVENIRS," a booth manned by a clown dressed in yellow.] Clown: [the boys turn to see him] Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks. [the adults gather and clamor for the items on display. As they do, the boys talk] Stan: Damn, dude, do you see how much money this place is raking in? Cartman: Yeah. I could prance around in little tights and sing opera too, for that kind of cash. Kyle: Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville. Kenny: (Yeah.) Stan: Yeah. This one's moving out of town, so we could take over. [the boys turn to leave] Kyle: Let's go practice. [they exit] Scene Description: Dressing Room #1. "Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets" is written over a star. Grandmama: Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against the cold. A Quint: Did we do good final show, Grandmama? Grandmama: Very good, my girls. I only wish it weren't your last show. I love this country so very much. [a knock on the dressing room door, and two stern men walk in] Romanian official: Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time to return to Romania. Grandmama: Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready. [the men leave, and she looks to the dressing room window. She walks over, opens the window, turns, and] This way, girls. Quickly. [the girls head for the window. Grandmama lifts them out one by one.] Quint #2: Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama? Grandmama: Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania. This is our only chance. [drops the girl off outside] Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka. Attendant: Nid kelmin da lushka velt Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt! [the men laugh, the attendant looks at his watch] Attendant: M-Mrs. Vladchick? [the men enter and find the open window and no one at all] Romanian official: Dash fam da bushka! Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, outside the main tent. The two Romanian men rush out Attendant: They're trying to defect! [they rush up to the end of a dock just as Mrs. Vladchick and her granddaughters take off in a dinghy] Romanian official: [pumping a fist] Cauch! We need a boat. [sees two native men in a canoe, about to leave. He and the attendant walk over to them and gives one of the paddlers some money] Native paddler in vest: Where to, Mack? Romanian official: [gets on the canoe] Follow that boat. [the attendant gets on, and the four men paddle away] Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The boys have bought a CD of the show, and Kenny sings to the instrumental of one of the songs. Kenny is wearing the costume the first singer wore. The other three are practicing... um... Stan tries to leap into Kyle's arms, but they end up tumbling on the floor. Cartman runs forth and does some cartwheels, but lands on a coffee table, breaking it to pieces. Stan: Dude, this isn't working. Kyle: It's Kenny's singing! Kenny: (Hunh?) Cartman: Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better! Kenny: (I'm singing as good as I can!) Stan: Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You have to get better! Try it again! [Grandpa rolls by and notices the boys in dance poses] Grandpa: Aha, I knew it. They turned you into poofders. Scene Description: Stark's Pond. Grandmama and the girls zoom away. Romanian official: There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. Pull over! [the canoe has caught up to the dinghy. Mrs. Vladchick looks back, then looks forward. They are closing in on a dock full of explosives, and she looks on in horror] Grandmama: Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta. [the girls pile on Grandmama and form a tower, each female grabbing the head of the one below her. The top girl grabs a branch with a free hand, and all swing up in the air as one. The dinghy goes on with the canoe in pursuit] Romanian official: [In a high pitched voice] Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! Yaaah! [the canoe runs into the dock and they both blow up. Pieces of the four men fall from the air.] Top girl: Did we do good, Grandmama? Grandmama: Very good, Glacas. Scene Description: The 'camera' pulls back to reveal the entire high speed chase took place on Stark's Pond which is about 7 canoe lengths long. Scene Description: The Marsh house. Snow falls outside. The other boys have gone home Stan: I'm tired, Grandpa. Grandpa: No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and watch more MacGyver. We've gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out of ya. [the doorbell rings] Who the hell would be ringin' the doorbell at this time of night? Stan: I don't know. [walks over and opens the door] Whoa. [before him are the contorting Romanian quintuplets and their Grandmama, all shivering. Randy and Sharon show up in their pajamas] Grandmama: We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired. Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep? Randy: You're from Cirque du Cheville. [Grandpa shows up] Grandmama: Yes. We- missed our train. If we could shelter here; it would only be for one night. Randy: Well... Sharon: Well, of course you can. Come in out of the snow. [the girls grin and enter] Grandmama: Oh, thank you so much. [walks in] Sharon: There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs...? Grandmama: Vladchick. [Sharon escorts her and the girls upstairs] Grandpa: That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass. Randy: Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley! Grandpa: Well, it's good for 'im. Scene Description: The McCormick house. Kenny is in his room with three books on his bed. Kenny: [reads "Learning to Sing Better"] (Let's see...No, not there) [tosses the book away and picks up "The Essence of Voicing"] (Let's see. Nothing there) [tosses it away and picks up "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies"] (Let's see...here!) [pulls out a tape and pops it into his tape player] Narrator: Hello, and welcome to: "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies." Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha! Kenny: (Yaaayaya.) Narrator: Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya! Kenny: (Hehyayaya hehyayaya!) Narrator: Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, "Con te partirò" [music begins to play] Kenny: [leafs through the book] (Con te partirò?) [leafs some more and find it. A rat crawls onto the bed as Kenny looks at the tape player, looks around and leaves. Kenny immediately improves and begins singing like a Prima Divo, yet still characteristically Kenny-muffled...](...Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.con te io li rivivere. Con te...)[...and it becomes background music as the camera pans over to...] Scene Description: 'Camera' pans from the McCormick house across the railroad tracks to the Marsh house. Kenny's voice is so powerful it can be heard clearly in the Marsh upper bedroom. Grandmama Vladchick is in her nightgown combing her hair. Grandpa Marsh rolls by Kenny: (...partirò.) Grandpa: [startles Grandmama] Got everything you need there, do ya? Kenny: (Su navi per mari) Grandmama: Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my little granddaughters. Kenny: (che, io lo so,) Grandpa: They're quite agile little things, aren't they? Kenny: (no, no, non esistono più) Grandmama: Yes, as I was back in my day. I was a contortionist, too. Kenny: (con te io li rivivere.) Grandpa: Y'don't say. [strokes his chin] Grandmama: Yes. Grandpa: You... Kenny: (Con te...) Grandpa: ...remember any of that stuff, do ya? [she looks flattered and intrigued.] Kenny: (...partirò.Su navi per mariche, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più.)[as Kenny sings, Grandpa returns to Mrs. Vladchick's room naked... and without the wheelchair. She lifts up her left leg over her head, then lets it go. Kenny's getting into the song. The tape speeds up a bit...] (Io con te!) Grandpa: Ah. [A leg wraps around his chest] Oh. [a second leg wraps around his head] Ah! [an arm appears, then Mrs. Vladchick's head, then a third leg...] Oh. [Kenny is seen on bended knee on his bed during the last note, as Grandmama Vladchick and Grandpa reach climax.] Oh-oooh-oooh! Scene Description: The McCormick house, Kenny's room. The music stops with a thump and Kenny collapses on his bed exhausted Narrator: And now lesson 4: the complete works of Mozart. Let's begin. Kenny: [looks at the radio] (Damn!) Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen enjoying some coffee Sharon: What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer. Randy: Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still sleeping. Sharon: Poor dear must be tired. Grandpa: [rolls in] You're damn right she's tired. Randy: Huh? Grandpa: Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all. [rolls out]. Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside. Stan leads the other three boys in the side gate and to the backyard Stan: Hurry up, you guys! Cartman: What's going on? Stan: Dude, you're not gonna believe this. Kyle: What?! [they all turn, and the quints stand before them] Quint 1: Hello. Quint 2: Hello. Quint 3: Hi. Quint 4: Hello. Cartman: No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu! Stan: Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania. Kyle: What's a "quin-tuplet"? Quint 2: Ve are twins, except there are five of us instead of two. Kyle: But there's only four of you. Quint 2: No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia. Nadia: [steps out from behind Natalia] Hello. Kyle: So if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike? All five quints in unison: No, don't be ridiculous. Stan: Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville? A Quint: You have your own? Stan: Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better at singing first. Kenny: (Hey!) Cartman: But as soon as he starts singing better, we're all gonna make bank! Quint 1: Okay. Quint 3: Sounds good. Quint 2: Count me in. Quint 5: Okay. [quint 4 says nothing, and the others look at her] Quint 4: ...Oh, and me. The boys: All right! Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen Randy: Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do. I'm gonna go wake her up. [leaves, reaches Grandmama's room, and knocks] Hello? Mrs... Mrs., Old Romanian Woman? [knocks twice more] Ma'am? [opens the door, looks in, and flies are heard buzzing around. Mrs. Vladchick is stiff, mouth open, arms up as if holding someone. Randy shuts the door in horror, then opens it and looks in again to be sure, then shuts it again, horrified] Grandpa: [rolls up] Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha ha. Randy: [serious] No, Dad. Grandpa: A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr hr hr. Randy: No, Dad, she's dead! Grandpa: What?! [Randy opens the door and looks away, Grandpa rolls in to see for himself] Oh, dear Jesus! Randy: It looks like she had a heart attack. Grandpa: No wonder she didn't say good-night. Randy: [stares at him, then leans away] Ew! Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard Stan: Okay, hold it, hold it. [climbs over Cartman and Kyle to form a tower. The quintuplets have executed their X formation. Stan is trying to stand when all three boys tumble to the ground. The quints break their formation and drop down] The boys: Ow! [Randy and Sharon walk out and approach the kids] Sharon: I don't know how to tell. You tell them. [they stop] Randy: Uh, girls, we... have some bad news. Quint 5: What? Randy: Um... [Sharon holds his hand] Everyone who has a grandma, step forward. [Stan and Cartman step forward, then the girls] Uh, not so fast, girls. [Sharon gasps and glares at him. The girls step back, then realize what has just happened. They begin to sob] Sharon: Randy! [amid the sobs, some of the quints have questions] Quint 2: Grandmama is dead? Quint 1: What are we going to do now? [Randy and Sharon stand there helplessly] Cartman: [in a low voice] You guys, come here. [steps forward. The others join him] This is totally awesome. Stan: What?! Kyle: How can you say that? Cartman: Because now we can convince them to stay here, and now our circus will kick ass! Kyle: Oh, yeah! Stan: [rushes up] Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with us? Please? Can they? Randy: Well, Stan, it's not really our- Stan: They have nowhere else to go. [presses hands together] Please? Sharon: Well, for the time being I, I mean, of course they can stay. Stan, Kyle: Hooray! Cartman: Hooray! Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard, some days later. Neighborhood men and women walk up to a fenced-in area of the yard in which the quints play with various toys and balls Reporter: Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania. Their mother passes away some months ago, and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here. But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes. [someone takes a picture] If you'd like to come down and visit the quintuplets, admission is only $5, and for a few dollars more ["FEED THE QUINTS! One Dollar" A man buys some fishsticks], you can feed them fishsticks. A Quint: [hops up and down, then opens her mouth for a fishstick the man drops down to her] Mmm. Reporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania. Scene Description: Romania, daytime with grey sky. Pan across grey, dismal, identical blocky buildings. Government officials watch the report in a run-down office Reporter: Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world. [a last shot of the quints is seen] Back to you, Tom. President: This is not good. It makes our country look poor and stupid. Romanian official: This could kill our tourism. President: You know what to do. [they salute him and leave.] Scene Description: South Park School of Music Instructor: [at the piano] Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises. [plays the sequence C E G C G E C] Kenny: [sings along] (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) [his mom looks on. The instructor and Kenny move on to the D and E scales.] Mrs. McCormick: Well, what do you think? Can you help him become a better singer? Instructor: Well, he's got potential. Depends on how good he wants to be. Kenny: (I wanna be really good) Instructor: Well, if you wanna be a real singer, you need to go to a conservatory in Europe. There's no other alternative. Kenny: (Europe?) Mrs. McCormick: We can't afford that. Instructor: Well, then, I'm afraid your son will always be a hack. Kenny: (Awww.) Mrs. McCormick: Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... you can sing on the way to make money. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: The Marsh house, breaking news music is heard. Sharon rushes into the kitchen Sharon: Randy, Randy, you'd better have look at this. [exits to the living room] Randy: [follows her out] What? [The boys and the quints watch the news. Sharon and Randy join them] Anchor Tom: ...until the U.S. government receives this video, which was sent from Romania just hours ago. Man: [reading a statement at gunpoint] Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania. Randy: Uh-oh. Stan: That's your dad? Quint 2: Maybe. Quint 1: But we haven't seen papa for more than five years. Man: How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal. Voice: [hits the man on the head with the gun, k'chunk] Nadia! Man: Nadia, my sweet Barshta Voice: [k'chunk] Baltania! Man: Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching for their return. I, I know the American government will do what's right. [the TV is turned off] Kyle: Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque dei Ceville going. Stan: [gets up and runs to his parents] Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you?? Sharon: Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we? [looks at Randy] Randy: I don't know. Kyle: [the girls look at him] You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you? It sucks there. Cartman: Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down. Sharon: We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do. [she and Randy walk away] Cartman: Damn, we might be screwed. Stan: No! We've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass out of every other country. Come on! [walks off] Scene Description: South Park Train Station. Kenny and his mom await the train. Kenny launches into "La donna è mobile." Carol holds a "Trying To Get To Europe" sign. The other boys take the quints to South Park Funland Cartman: [in a log ride with the other seven, passes a lumberjack scene] You see, in America we have... log rides! [Kenny and his mom are at a bus terminal in Denver. A couple passes by and drops some money into the hat. Next, Cartman and friends are at Burger Cook, a fast-food restaurant] Bacon double-cheeseburgers! [Kenny and his mom are now at Coyote Bus Lines (play on Greyhound Bus Lines) in St. Louis at night. A man peeks through a door, another man drops some money into the hat. Next day] Sheep-shearing contests! Scene Description: 22nd Annual Sheep Shearing Contest Scene Description: A man shears a sheep with a shearer as the eight kids and four adults watch A fan: Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah. [the girls look on expressionless then #2 and #3 look at each other skeptically. Kenny and his mom are now at JFK International Airport in New York. Kenny gets some more money] Cartman: [showing the others around a three-story shopping mall] And shopping malls! Hooray! [the girls are grinning. Kenny finally lands in Europe and goes out through gate 96] Scene Description: Welcome To Europe! Coziest LittlePlace On Earth! Elevation 4200 ft. Kenny: (Woo hoo!) Scene Description: the U.S. Capitol. The Romanian father and two Romanian officials sit in Janet Reno's office Romanian official: [no beard] Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, the father has right to his children. Janet Reno: [flanked by two agents in riot gear] Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here. Why don't you all stay here in America, and this whole thing can go away. Mr. Vladchick: Okay. [the official smacks him with the back of the hand] Heh! Romanian official: Our home is Romania. We love it there. Mr. Vladchick: Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there. Romanian official: If daughters will not return on their own, you must force them to return Janet Reno: Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately. You don't understand Americans' power to protest. Romanian official: Protest? Janet Reno: Look, people have it so good in America that they get bored very easily. And when people get bored they start protesting things. All three men: Oh. Janet Reno: But I want to assure you, and the Romanian people, that we are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible. [the Romanians already look confused] Scene Description: South Park, the Marsh house, day. A crowd of protesters lobby in front of the house with signs like "No Go!", "We (heart) The Quints" and "Romania (with red cross-out circle stamp)". Protesters: Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Stephen Stotch: Fur is murder! Fur is murder! [notices the stares] Oh, what are we protesting here? A Protester: [with a "No Romania" sign] Romania sucks! Stephen Stotch: Oh, let's see [His professional protest sign has multiple pages and he flips through from "FUR IS MURDER" to "FREE KEVORKIAN," "SLEEPING BAGS KILL," then "ROMANIA SUCKS"] Here we go. Romania sucks! Protesters: Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Sharon: [looks out through the window. "Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Romania sucks!"] Oh my God! I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal. Randy: ["Romania sucks!"] That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters out of the cold. Lead agent Collins: [backed by 11 other agents and a humvee] Attention, people inside the house! [Randy and Sharon look] You must return the quintuplets to their father! You have until... [lowers the bullhorn. An agent comes up and whispers] Oh yeah, that's good. [back on the bullhorn] You have until Easter Sunday to comply. Protester: Nooo! Protesters: Boooo! Collins: What?! [the protesters gang up on the agents, beating them with their signs] Scene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room. Stan and friends are oblivious to the action outside Stan: Okay, let's try it again. Hup! A quint: Hup! [she leaps into position to complete the arch. Kyle and Cartman dive through and get up] Kyle: Alright! Randy: [enters] Stan, we- [the sight of the undressed boys stops him] Sharon: Stanley, we have some bad news. The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania. Stan: No, they can't! We've convinced them that they want to stay in America. Kyle: Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks and malls. How can you expect them to go back now?? Randy: I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... don't have a choice. Sorry, girls. [he and Sharon walk away] Stan: Now what do we do? Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, day. Several days have passed, and now the protest crowd is larger, and news cameras are present Reporter: Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as the U.S. government promised, they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania. Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets. [just then, a helicopter flies in and hovers over the house. Janet Reno, dressed in a bunny suit, waits in the open door to be lowered] Soldier: Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the plan. Janet Reno: Right. Soldier: We'll drop you on the northwest corner of the backyard. You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets. When you see them, you say... Janet Reno: "Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny." Soldier: Good. And then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready? Janet Reno: Ready. Soldier: Code blue! Janet Reno: Code blue! [drops down onto the yard] Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny is heard singing. He is onstage as his song ends, and his mom joins him with three other people Music instructor: Lad, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School. Kenny: (Woohoo!) Carol: How much is all this gonna cost? Music instructor: Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because we are so God-damned poor. Assistant: Yes, your two hundred American dollars will last months here. Carol: Wow, what a great country. Everybody's poor, like us. Kenny: (Yeah.) Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Protesters and police mill around the front yard Janet Reno: [enters the kitchen through the back door] Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny. [sees nothing but furniture before her. She pulls out a an assault rifle with scope and silencer then moves forth] Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I brought for ya. [Stan, his parents, and the quints watch TV in the living room, and Janet Reno peeks at them. Terrance and Phillip are heard on the TV. Janet Reno pulls back and flattens herself against the kitchen wall] Phillip: Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart. [Reno pulls out an Easter egg and throws it at the girls. It ends up right in front of them] Terrance: Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb. Quint 2: Oh, look. An Easter egg. Randy: Oh, shi- [the Easter egg unleashes its tear gas, and all cough and choke] Lead soldier: That's it. Let's move, move move move, move! [breaks through the front door and leads the other police officers in.] Give us the kids, now! Now! Officer 1: Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned floor! [more officers stream in as Sharon drops down to the floor and assumes the fetal position] Officer 2: Find them! Janet Reno: [bursts through the master bedroom door] This is a bust! Hand over the quints! [police officers are already there looking for them under the bed and in dresser drawers. Reno joins them and heads for the closet. She opens a sliding door and finds Randy holding Stan in his arms and points her weapon at them thus comically recreating the famous image of the US Border Patrol agent pointing his MP5 submachine gun at six year old Elian Gonzalez held by his rescuer Donato Dalrymple] Hand over the children! Happy Easter. Hand over the children!! Grandpa: [rolls in] What the hell's goin' on?! [all guns point to him] Officer 3: Freeze, asshole! Grandpa: Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya! Officer 3: Don't push me, man! Grandpa: Pull the trigger, you little pussy! Officer 3: Gaahhh! [aims away from Grandpa and lets loose with gunfire] Officer 4: Gun! Gun! [fires into the room. Reno drops down to avoid getting hit. Bullets riddle the wall] Janet Reno: Down! Down! [outside, the protesters back away from the house] Protester: Riot! Riot! [protesters now move forward against a wall of police] Officer 5: Pepper spray! Pepper spray! [the police harden their line, pull out their cans and spray the protesters, who drop down immediately coughing. The house blows up. When the smoke clears, Reno and two officers are seen carrying the quints away. They reach a black van and toss the girls inside.] Officer 6: Go ahead! In the van! [Reno goes in, followed by the other officers. One of them barks an order to the driver, and the van leaves the scene.] Stan: [standing in front of the still burning ruins of his house] Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus! Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny performs "Der Hölle Rache" in front of a full house. He finishes the aria and the audience erupts in applause. Roses rain down upon him as he takes his bow. Music instructor: Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. The people of Romania love him. Carol: Good job, Kenny. Music instructor: Mrs. McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us. Will you consider it? Carol: [She kneels down and places her hand on Kenny's head] Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd have to leave your friends and your family behind. Kenny: (Sure!) Music instructor: Alright! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The protesters leave one by one. The Marshes stand in the bombed-out ruins Sharon: Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone! Cartman: [arrives with Kyle] Dude, what the hell happened? Stan: The government came and got the quintuplets. No more Cirque du Cheville for us. Kyle: Damnit! How come every time we get a sweet idea, the government has to screw it up?! Stan: Yeah! Well, not this time! Cartman: Huh? Stan: We've just gotta get that angry mob back on our side! [addresses the mob] Alright, everybody, listen up! Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets to the mayor's office downtown! But they haven't won yet! I say we all go over to the mayor's office, and demand to see the quintuplets right now! Protester 1: Hmm. Protester 2: Yeaahh. Protester 3: I don't know. I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30. Protester 4: Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this? Stan: Uh, sure, you can all get overtime. Protester 5: Alright! [Fist pumps] Protester 6: Yeah! Protester 7: Down with Japan! [the mob moves away] Scene Description: An office. Janet Reno and the two officers meet the Mayor and her aides for a photo-op. The photographer takes his shot. Janet Reno: Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy. [The girls are shown with their grinning father. Two of them sit on his laps, the other three stand in front] Photographer: Come on, girls. Smile. [the girls look downcast] We want you to look happy. Smile. [works a sock puppet on his left hand] Look at the silly frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look at him. I've got- Look at him. It's so silly. "I'm so silly." [the girls still have their eyes cast down] Scene Description: Romania, day. A news report on TV Stuart: Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back in America. I miss my son very much. I would like to see him returned to me so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and- [the butt of a rifle strikes the side of his head] Ow! I mean, bec- because I miss my son very much. [looks to his right] Man. Scene Description: A United States Air Force checkpoint, later. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan approach, and a soldier intervenes Stan: Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets! Soldier: [Holds out hand to stop their progress] You can't see them, boys. They're happily reunited with their father. Stan: [whistles a signal] Come on, angry mob! [the mob appears behind him. All of them move forward and overrun the checkpoint. A lagging protester runs over a fallen soldier] Soldier: Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah. Scene Description: The USAF office. Reno has taken her mask off and stands next to the girls. Behind her are six officers, and next to them are the two Romanian officials and Mr. Vladchick. Romanian official: [the bearded one] Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania. Janet Reno: [hears something] What is that? Officer 7: [at a window] It's the protesters. They're back. Janet Reno: God-damnit! [Puts back on her Easter Bunny 'helmet'] We'll take care of them. Come on! [leaves the office] Officer 8: Let's move. Move! Officer 7: Come on, come on, come on. Officer 9: Come oonn, come oonn. [they follow Reno out, leaving the quints alone in front of a poster that reads "Join the Army... It's KILLER!!!". The officers engage the protesters on a runway] Officer 10: This is government property! Protester: Let the quints stay! [Reno and Sharon head for each other] Sharon: You ruined my house! [lays out Reno using a baseball bat to the Bunny helmet. The quints look out the window, then turn around. Quint 2 hops off the bench and walks to the office phone] Quint 1: What are you doing, Nadia? Nadia: I'm calling the only person in the vorld who can help us. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing. The other girls look at each other.] Scene Description: A USAF airfield, later. Protesters and officers are still brawling. Stan and Kyle each kick an officer on the shin. Cartman: Take that! [kicks an officer on the shin] Quint 3: [heads towards the battlefield and addresses everyone] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [the other four quints are with her. Weapons and signs are lowered] Quint 1: All of you are acting like idiots! Stan: Yeah. Quint 1: None of you care about us. You only care about yourselves! Quint 2: Look at you, Father. You walked out on us five years ago [he removes his hat and holds it tight], and now you act like you miss us sooo much! You are a liar and a fake! Cartman: Yeah, you suck, dude! Quint 3: And you Romanian leaders [both of them are there], you don't care about us! All you care about is making America look stupid! Cartman: Yeah! God, you guys are dicks! Quint 3: And you protesters! Don't you have anything better to do?! Get a life! Cartman: Yeah! Quint 3: And you boys are the worst of all! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Huh? Quint 3: You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better! Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home! We are Romanian! All you care about is your own stupid circus! [at this point, a limousine pulls up behind them. It's from the Oprah show. The driver opens the back door and the girls head for the back seat] Janet Reno: [has a protester in a headlock] Where are you going, girls? Quint 1: The only place we can go. We're going on Oprah and then a book tour. [turns and climbs in, followed by three others] Quint 5: Yes. You can all kiss our little white Romanian asses! [wiggles her ass at the crowd and climbs in. The limo leaves and everyone is left in a state of shock.] Stan: Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways. Cartman: Yeah, screw them! Kyle: Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway. Stan: Whatever happened to Kenny? Scene Description: Romania, still grey and dismal daytime. Romanian protesters with signs bearing a picture of Kenny's head lobby in front of the house Kenny's in. Romanian protesters: Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! [a van pulls up and police officers all the way from the U.S. pour out] Officer 1: [sternly] Alright, people, the father wants his son returned to him! Hand him over to us! Romanian protesters: Boooo! Officer 2: Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's go. Move move move move! [bursts through the front door. Officers pour in and look all over the place for Kenny. They enter the master bedroom, and look under the bed and in dresser drawers. One of them head for the closet and opens the sliding door and again the Elian Gonzalez scene is recreated with Kenny and his mother facing the police] Officer 3: [seeing Carol holding Kenny] Hand over the boy, now! Carol: Okay, okay! Officer 3: I mean it, lady, you've got about-! [his assault rifle goes off, riddling Kenny with bullets. His mom is distraught and drops Kenny] Whoops.
Scene: Bridge Officer's log, stardate 47611.2. Doctor Beverly Crusher reporting. We have rendezvoused with Counselor Troi's shuttlecraft. She has just returned from a three day class reunion on Starbase two three one. Crusher: Send a message to Commander Data and inform him of our delay. Rainer: Aye, sir. Crusher: Deanna, welcome back. Troi: Thank you. I was just reporting in. I didn't expect to find anyone up except Data. Crusher: Data's away on assignment. A Federation deep space probe went off course and crashed on Barkon Four. Some of the material in the casing was radioactive, so Data was sent to recover it before it could contaminate the biosphere. Troi: Isn't Barkon Four inhabited? Crusher: Yes, it's a pre-industrial society, but the probe crashed over a hundred kilometers from the nearest settlement so Data shouldn't have any contact with the Barkonians. So, how was the reunion? Troi: Fine. It was good to see some old friends. I'd lost touch with most of them. It's interesting to see the different paths some of their lives have taken. Beverly, you don't usually stand a watch on the Bridge even when Data's not here. Crusher: I volunteered tonight. I like to put in a little Bridge time now and then, stay on top of operations, tactical procedures. The truth is, I like it. It's not every doctor who gets to command a starship, even if it is the night shift. Troi: May I ask you a personal question? Why did you decide to become a Commander? I mean, you didn't need the rank in order to be Chief Medical Officer, so why put yourself through all the extra work? Crusher: Oh, I don't know. I never even thought about my rank for a long time. It seemed pretty trivial compared to being a doctor. But then, about eight years ago, I started to feel like I wanted to stretch myself a little. Rainer: Commander, there's no response from Commander Data to our signal. Crusher: Continue sending him updates on our schedule. Rainer: Aye, sir. Troi: Is something wrong? Crusher: No. I wanted to let Data know there'd be a delay in picking him up for a few of days. We have orders to rendezvous with the Lexington and take some medical supplies to the Taranko Colony. Troi: But he's not responding. Crusher: Geordi said that the radiation from the probe might interfere with communications. I just thought I'd try anyway. Garvin: So when you return from school tonight, I'll be meeting with the village elders. Gia: Again? Garvin: Gia. Gia: I know, I know. You're the town magistrate and you have a lot of work to do, but it always seems like you're always in some meeting or Garvin: Gia, go home. Now. Who are you? What do you want? Data: Who are you? What do you want? Garvin: What's wrong with you? Data: What's wrong with you? Garvin: There's nothing wrong with me. Who are you? What is your name? Can you understand me? My name is Garvin. Data: My name is Garvin? Garvin: I thought I told you to go home. Gia: I know. Data: I do not know my name. Garvin: What? Data: You asked if I knew my name. I do not. Garvin: Well at least you seem to be understanding a little more. Data: Yes. It is becoming easier. Gia: Ask him where he's from, father. Garvin: Gia, go on to school. I'll deal with the stranger. Gia: Yes, Father. Goodbye. Data: Goodbye. Garvin: Your eyes and skin look so strange. Your clothes, you look like you've been in some kind of accident. Data: I do not remember being in an accident. Garvin: What do you remember? Data: I walked here from the mountains. Garvin: The mountains? The mountains are over two hundred seltons from here. Data: I have a clear memory of my journey. Garvin: What do you remember before that? Data: I have no prior memory. Garvin: Do you know what that is? Data: No. Garvin: May I? May I have it? Data: Yes. Garvin: There might be something in here that can tell us who you are. Garvin: I wonder what these markings mean. Data: Radioactive. Garvin: What? Data: That is what is written on the container. Garvin: You can read this language? Data: Evidently. Garvin: Radioactive. What does that mean? Data: I do not know. Perhaps it is my name. Garvin: I've never heard a name like that. You must come from a very distant place. Troi: Is that supposed to be a question? Troi: Because if you're asking me if I liked what you were playing, then the answer is yes. Troi: You know, this is a much better way of communicating for you. It's far less confusing than the way you normally speak. Riker: I knew I could count on my Imzadi, the ship's Counselor to boost my self-image. Troi: I'm glad to be of service. Riker: Did you come here for something in particular, or just general Riker bashing? Troi: Actually I wanted to ask your opinion about something. I've been thinking about taking the Bridge Officer's test and becoming a full Commander. Riker: What brought this up? Troi: A lot of things. Working on the personnel review last month, talking with Beverly about her experiences, going to my class reunion. Riker: Ah, the class reunion. You saw a few old friends who had already taken the test? Troi: All right, I admit it was a catalyst. But I can honestly say that I've been thinking about this off and on over the past two years. Riker: Why the past two years? Troi: Do you remember when the Enterprise hit that quantum filament and I was in command on the Bridge? Riker: I do. Troi: Well, when that happened, I was overwhelmed. But when it was over I realized that a part of me missed it. Not the actual disaster, but the experience of being in command. I felt like I was exploring a whole new side of myself. Not that I want to give up counseling by any means, but I really would like to stretch myself a little. Riker: Deanna, if you take the Bridge Officer's test, you'll have my complete support. But as First Officer, I'll be the one judging your performance, and you should know I am a pretty tough judge. Troi: And I'm a pretty good student. Riker: We'll start tomorrow morning, oh eight hundred hours. Talur: Remarkable set of teeth. Breath smells like, well, it doesn't have any smell actually. You can close your mouth. Let's see. Heartbeat sounds a little odd, but seems very regular. Skin feels clammy, but you say you feel fine? Data: That is correct. Talur: No headaches, palpitations, sluggishness, indigestion? Data: No. But I cannot have indigestion since I have not eaten. Talur: Ah. Malnutrition. You should try to eat something that will build strength and return your vitality. Lots of meat, butter, cheese, that should be a start. Garvin: What about his eyes and his skin? They're so odd. Talur: Quite so, quite so. I'm sure my grandmother would have called our friend here a demon or spirit or some kind of monster. But current scientific methodology allows us to dismiss such ridiculous superstitions and concentrate on scientific reality. Data: Then what do you believe I am? Talur: You are an ice man. Data: Ice man? Talur: Yes. You probably come from a race of people who lived in the snow and ice of the Vellorian mountains. Your skin and eye coloration are a result of prolonged exposure to harsh winter conditions. Data: Then I am not ill? Talur: Aside from your memory loss, you do not seem to have any symptoms of any illness that I am familiar with. No. You are an ice man. Now, get something to eat and a good night's rest, and I will come back tomorrow to see if your memory has begun to return. Data: Thank you. Talur: Hello, Gia. Gia: Hello. Gia: What did Talur say about him? Is he sick? Garvin: Not exactly. She said he's lost his memory, but seems to be fine otherwise. Talur thinks he's from a race that lives in the mountains. Data: I am an ice man. Garvin: We'll have to call you something besides Ice man until your memory returns. What was the word on the container? Data: Radioactive. Garvin: Mister Radioactive? Gia: I don't like that name. Let's call him Jayden. Garvin: What do you think of that? Data: Jayden. That is acceptable. Garvin: Right now, we need to clean him up and get him something decent to wear. Run upstairs and get some of my old clothes for him. Gia: Yes, Father. Garvin: I wonder if Skoran can tell us something about this metal of yours. Skoran: You, Ice man, where'd you find this? Data: I do not know. Garvin: I told you, he's lost his memory and we're calling him Jayden for now. Skoran: Jayden, huh? The metal is slightly warm. Garvin: All the fragments are like that. Skoran: It's obviously been tempered and milled. The lustrous quality of the metal is so pure. This wasn't made in any forge I've ever seen. Will you sell them? Garvin: You want them? Skoran: The metal's malleable enough to make some jewellry. Garvin: They belong to Jayden. Do you want to sell them? You're going to need money. Data: You may be right. But I do not wish to sell all the fragments. They may provide a clue to my identity. Skoran: I'll give you twenty doraks for half the lot. Garvin: Agreed. Apprentice: My leg! My leg! Get it off! Get it off! Skoran: We need a lever. Garvin: It'll be all right. Don't struggle. It will only Garvin: Jayden, put it down. Data: I believe the support structure on the anvil collapsed because some of the wood had rotted. Did I do something wrong, Garvin? Garvin: No, just unexpected. Talur: It's perfectly understandable. Your people probably all have great strength. It will allow them to fight off the ferocious creatures that live in the Vellorian Mountains. Data: You have told me no one from the village has ever been to the Vellorian Mountains. How can you be certain there are ferocious creatures there? Talur: It's a well known fact. Data: But no one has actually seen one? Talur: Well, not to my knowledge, but Gia: Father, are you all right? Garvin: I've been tired since this afternoon. I'm sure it's nothing. Talur: You feel slightly warm. Some fresh air and a brisk walk will do you good. Garvin: That sounds like a good idea. I'll be back soon. Gia: You didn't like it? Data: I neither liked it nor disliked it. I simply had no appetite. Gia: Father's cooking isn't as good as mother's. He tries, though. Data: Where is your mother? Gia: She died about a year ago. Father says she went to a beautiful place where everything is peaceful and everyone loves each other, and no one ever gets sick. Do you think there's really a place like that? Data: Yes. I do. Laforge: We just lost contact with everything above deck twenty one, including the Bridge. Worf: There is something wrong with one of the antimatter containment units. The magnetic field is starting to fluctuate. Troi: Switch to auxiliary control. Worf: Auxiliary control is not online. We are starting to lose containment on antimatter storage unit three. Troi: All right. Switch the EM power inverter to the lateral. No, wait. Use the neodyne relay. Laforge: Commander, the neodyne relay isn't holding. Containment failure in ten seconds. Troi: Computer, emergency procedure. Eject antimatter storage unit three. Authorisation, Troi omega omega three one. Computer: Unable to comply. All power to ejection systems has been terminated and cannot be restored. Laforge: Commander, the unit's beginning to o Riker: Congratulations. You just destroyed the Enterprise. Troi: Thank you for the encouragement. Riker: Don't feel bad. You passed everything else. Diplomatic law, first contact procedures, Bridge operations. The Engineering qualification's one of the toughest parts of the test. Troi: So what did I do wrong? Riker: I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Troi: Why not? What kind of a test is this? Riker: It's the kind of a test that you'll have to take again if you want to be a Bridge Officer. Only next time, the problem won't be so easy, so I suggest you study up on your emergency procedures. Troi: Well how do I know what to study if you won't tell me what I did wrong? Riker: I don't know. I'm afraid I can't tell you that either. Talur: Rock, fire, sky, and water are the basic elements of the universe. They can be found in every object, every person, every animal, everything. The rock in this wood can be felt by its weight and by its hardness. If we expose the wood to flame, we can encourage the fire within the wood to show itself. We can also see smoke, which is a part of the sky. The water in wood is difficult to see. Sometimes the elements are buried deep within the objects, but the four elements are always there. Yes, Jayden? Data: I do not believe that is correct. Talur: Oh? Data: I believe you are reasoning by analogy, classifying objects and phenomena according to superficial observation rather than empirical evidence. Wood, for example, does not contain fire simply because it is combustible, nor does it contain rock simply because it is heavy. Wood, like any complex organic form, is composed of thousands of different chemical compounds, none of which is fire. Talur: That will be enough for now, Jayden. As I told you earlier, our friend Jayden here has lost much of his memory, so I wouldn't put too much faith in any of his ideas. Now that will be all for today. I will see you tomorrow. Be sure to practice your spelling and arithmetic tonight. Gia: Are you all right? Data: Yes. But I do not agree with Talur's assessment. Although I do have gaps in my memory, I know that fire is not an element. Garvin: That is not what you promised me! Skoran: You're getting old, Garvin. I offered you fifteen for the metal and I've given it to you. No more. Garvin: We agreed on twenty. Data: Garvin is correct. You agreed on twenty. Skoran: Stay out of this, Ice man. Your memory is not very reliable. Gia: Father! Father, what's wrong? Garvin: I don't know I feel very weak suddenly. Gia: You have got a fever. We should get him home. Gia: What's wrong with him? Talur: I suspect he I don't know. I've never encountered anything like this before. These lesions look like burn marks. The fluids of his body have overheated. That would explain the fever and the burning skin. Keep him cool, let plenty of fresh air into the house, and I want you to give him these herbs. That will bring his fluidic temperature down and allow this to pass. Gia: I understand. Data: With an increased focal length and an achromatic objective lens, this instrument will have a higher effective magnification. Talur: I will come back tomorrow and check on you. Garvin: Thank you. Data: Garvin, with your permission, I would like to begin my own investigation regarding the cause of your illness. Garvin: Go ahead. Data: Gia, I would like you to accompany me to the village. I will need some supplies. Gia: What are you going to do with all this? Data: I will use these materials to make the laboratory equipment I need to research your father's illness. Gia: Do you think you can help him? Data: I do not know. First I must isolate the cause of the illness. Skoran: There he is! It's his fault! None of us were sick before he came to the village! Crowd: True. Data: Am I to understand that Garvin's illness has spread? Skoran: That's right. And you're the cause. Gia: That's not true! Data: Gia, I think we should leave. Skoran: That's it. Leave. Get out of here. Go back where you came from! Talur: Jayden what are you doing? Data: I am studying skin samples from Gia and Garvin in an attempt to isolate the cause of the illness. Talur: Gia? Data: Yes. She is also beginning to show signs of the illness. Talur: What is that? Data: It is a magnifying device based on your hand-held instrument. I have refined the design to increase the magnification level. Talur: May I? Data: Of course. Talur: How strong is the magnification? Data: Objects appear approximately five hundred times their normal size. As you can see, the cellular damage is quite extensive. However, based on interstitial transparency and membrane integrity, I do not believe it is an infection or any other form of communicable disease. Talur: I see. Data: At the moment, I am looking for a common event or experience that Gia, Garvin and Skoran might have shared that could have a causal relationship to their illness. Talur: Well they've all lived here in the village for many years. I'm sure they have many common experiences. Data: Yes, but since the illness struck all three in a relatively short period of time, it is reasonable to assume the experience is recent and unusual. Talur: Actually, Jayden, encountering you has been the most unusual experience that they've all shared recently. Data: I am aware of that. Excuse me. I am also open to the possibility that I may in some way be the causal factor. However, since you have had a great deal of contact with me and you show no signs of the sickness, I tend to discount myself as a likely candidate. Talur: Still, it has to be more than just a coincidence that shortly after you arrived, people started to become ill. Data: I agree. Gia: Jayden I tried to give father his broth, but he won't eat. Talur: You have a fever. You should be in bed. Gia: No, I'm all right. Father needs me. Data: Talur is correct. You should rest. I will attend to your father. Gia, when did you begin wearing that pendant? Gia: Two days ago. Father bought it from Skoran. Why? Data: May I see it? This is one of the metal fragments I sold to Skoran. Troi: The secondary plasma vent has a triple redundant bypass. Which means that the primary access junction is routed through Troi: Come in. Would be routed through the port transducer matrix. Come to give me more encouragement? Riker: No. I'm actually here to tell you that I've decided to cancel the rest of your test. Troi: What? Riker: I'm canceling the test. Troi: May I ask why? Riker: You've taken the Engineering qualification three times. You're no closer to passing. Troi: Well, then I'll take it four times, or fourteen times, or however many times are necessary for me to get it right. Riker: Deanna, this is nothing personal. Not everyone is cut out to be a Bridge Officer. I don't think this is for you. Troi: Why? Because I'm not the most technically-minded person on the ship? I may have trouble telling the difference between a plasma conduit and a phase inducer, but there's more to being a bridge officer than memorizing technical manuals. Riker: That's right, there is. You could spend the next month memorizing all the technical manuals in the computer, I still don't think you'd pass the test. Troi: Tell me one thing. Is there a solution? Or is this simply a test of my ability to handle a no-win situation? Riker: There is a solution. Troi: Then give me time to find it. Riker: I can't. As much as I care about you, my first duty is to the ship. I cannot let any Bridge Officer serve who's not qualified. I'm sorry. Troi: My first duty is to the ship. The ship! Troi: Computer, load Bridge Officer's test, Engineering qualification section one. Computer: Computer ready. Troi: Run program. Worf: The control system for the primary containment field is not functioning. Laforge: Something's severed the ODN conduit between here and the antimatter storage deck. Troi: Geordi, could you repair the ODN conduit if you went into the crawlspace? Worf: Sir, that crawlway is in a warp-plasma shaft. He would never survive the radiation. Troi: I know that. Geordi, could you repair the conduit? Laforge: Yeah, I think I could. Troi: Then do it. That's an order. Riker: End simulation. Something told me you wouldn't let this go. Congratulations. You passed. Troi: That's what this was all about, wasn't it? To see if I'd order someone to their death. Riker: That's right. Troi: I knew that was part of being in command and I thought I'd prepared for it, but when the moment came I hesitated. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Riker: You did exactly what you had to do. You considered all your options, you tried every alternative, and then you made the hard choice. Come on, let's get out of here, Commander. Data: I have coated this piece of cloth with the liquid which is used in lamps. As you can see, the cloth becomes luminescent when it is exposed to an energy source. This pendant also appears to be an energy source. Talur: But where is this pattern of light coming from? Data: I believe a stream of particles is emanating from the metallic pendant and hitting the cloth. Talur: I don't see any particles coming from the pendant. Data: You will see there are. I can even block them. Data: It would appear that this container was constructed of a material which absorbs or blocks the particles coming from the metal. Talur: It's a trick. Data: No. It is empirical data. I believe the fragments were originally placed in this container to protect people from accidental exposure. The word radioactive may be a warning about the dangerous nature of the metal. Talur: All right. Let's say for the moment that you're right, that there are invisible particles coming from the metal. What should we do? Data: I will continue my experiment. I would like you to gather all the pieces of metal in the village and place them in this container. Talur: All right. But when I return, I want a more thorough explanation of all this. And I want to examine your data, in detail. Data: Of course. Skoran: There you are. You're the cause of this, Ice man. Data: If you are referring to the illness, you are partially correct. However, it is more complex than that. The metal fragment which Skoran: What, what are you? Data: I do not know. Skoran: I saw it with my own eyes. He's not a person. He's some kind of creature. Gia: It's not true, Father. Skoran: We must find him and stop him before he kills us all. Garvin: I don't. Not Jayden. He wouldn't try to hurt us. Skoran: Come on. Talur: Let him rest for now. You should rest as well. Exerting yourself will only make you sicker. I'll be back. Data: Gia. Gia: Jayden? Everyone's looking for you. Skoran said you're some kind of creature. Data: I do not know what I am. But I am not like you. Gia: I know. You're an Ice man. We talked about that. Data: No. I am not. Gia: Jayden, why are you wearing that hood? Data: I do not wish to frighten you. Gia: I won't be afraid. Take it off. Please, I have to see. Data: I understand your reaction. But I do not wish to harm you. You or Garvin or anyone else. I only wish to help, to find a cure for the illness. I was very close. I must to continue my work, but it will take time. How long until Skoran and the others return? Gia: I don't know. They're looking for you now. Data: Then I must hurry. Data: Gia, I believe I have found the answer. Gia: You think you found a cure? Data: I believe so. I tested this medicine on skin samples from your father. They showed improvement, so I administered this to him. He is now recovering. Gia: What kind of medicine is it? Data: A compound I made which will neutralize the particles that are making you ill. Swallow this. I must administer this to everyone in the village, but I do not think they will trust me after what happened to Skoran. Gia: I could tell them. Data: I am afraid they will not believe you either. Gia, is the well in the town square the only source of water for this village? Gia: Well? Data: This is very important. Are there any other sources of fresh water near the village? Gia: No. The nearest river is two days away. Data: Then I will put this compound into the well water. It may be diluted, but it should still have enough potency to work. Gia: Compound Skoran: There he is! You see? It's just as I said. Data: I only wish to help. Skoran: This is how you've helped us, by bringing this plague? Tried to kill us all? Well, you won't succeed. I won't let you! Crusher: Excuse me. We're looking for a friend of ours. He might have wandered into your village a few days ago. Riker: You'd remember him. He would have appeared very strange. Pale skin, gold eyes. Gia: He was your friend? Crusher: Yes. Do you know him? Riker: Where is he? Crusher: I don't understand. Gia: We didn't know his real name, so we called him Jayden. Riker: You're saying he's dead? Gia: They killed him because they were afraid of him, but he saved all of us from the sickness. Crusher: The sickness? Gia: There were these pieces of metal. They made everyone sick. But Jayden put something in the water and now everyone's better. Riker: What happened to these pieces of metal? Gia: We buried them in the forest. What was his real name? Riker: Data. Gia: Data. He was my friend, too. Crusher: It's Data all right. He's buried about two meters down. He's been deactivated so I can't tell how bad the damage is. Riker: We could beam him and the probe fragments right onto the ship. No one would know. Crusher: Positronic net online. Subprocessor relays in place and neuroelectrical systems enabled. Crusher: Data, are you all right? Data: I do not know. I am surprised to find myself here. I thought I was on Barkon Four. Picard: What's the last thing you remember? Data: I had located the crashed Federation probe and collected the radioactive fragments. I was attempting to download the sensor logs from the probe's onboard computer. There was a power surge. I believe the surge overloaded my positronic matrix. After that, I have no memory until this moment. It appears I had an interesting time. Riker: We don't know much about what happened either. Apparently you saved an entire village from radiation poisoning. Crusher: And you were a very special friend to a little girl. Troi: Well, if you'll excuse me, I have the Bridge this watch. Data: Counselor, have you been promoted in my absence? Troi: That's right. Which means from now on you can call me sir. Data: Yes, sir.
Hermes: Well, we're bankrupt in six, five... Hermes: Four, three... Hermes: Two, one. And we're out of business. Farnsworth: Good news! We're back in business. We've been hired to deliver an envelope. Leela: It's crunch time. Let's do this. It's for you, Professor. Farnsworth: Great delivery, everyone. You're the finest crew I've had the honour to work with. Oh, my. We're being foreclosed upon. You're all terrible and incompetent! Amy: I resent that! Hermes: Wait. I found a loophole in the mortgage. If we actually pay it, we can keep the building. We just need... Eleven million dollars. Bender: And... Boned! Farnsworth: Aw. I suppose there's nothing left to do but move out. Leela, Amy, pack us a lunch for our new lives under the bridge while us men reminisce and smoke some stogies. Leela: We are not packing lunches, you walking beer commercials. It was you men who drove this company into the ground. Remember Fry's idea to offer free delivery? Fry: It got us a lot of customers! Leela: We're a delivery company! Amy: If you wanna save this company, you should listen to a woman's idea for once. Hermes: Okay. What you got? Leela: An airline! Amy: Yeah! Wait, what? Leela: We should become a commercial airline. I mean, we've got a ship, and teleporters won't be invented for another fifteen years, according to that guy from the future. Amy: Wow! That's actually a really good idea for a woman! Farnsworth: Puff! What else you ladies got? Bender: Girls-of-Planet-Express calendar! Fry: Girly calendar? Great idea, Amy! Hermes: Okay, then. Leela, Amy, come to work topless tomorrow. Leela: Forget it! I promised myself I wouldn't pose naked until I was married. Hermes: Sorry. It's in your contract. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: That's discriminatory! Hermes: No, it's in all our contracts. Here's mine. "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Fry: Sounds fun. Bender: Back to work, Hermes! Scruffy: Now that's what I call fine print. Amy: Okay, but good luck making a girly calendar with only two female employees. Labarbara: Oh, husband! I'm so excited about this new job. Hermes: And it's excited about you, LaBarbara. First order of business is to put on your uniform and take your ID photo. Leela: Look, I agree that it makes space walking more comfortable, but, for a photo shoot, it's a little... Unsavoury. Over. Bender: Time is money, peaches. Now shut your com link and make love to the camera. And remember I'm the camera. Stop actually washin' and play with the sponges! Leela: But the ship is dirty. Bender: Uh, whatever. I ran out of film an hour ago. Farnsworth: No, no. This won't do. A three-month calendar? What is this, Mercury? Amy: I told you it wouldn't work. Farnsworth: Well, you should've talked louder. Fortunately, I came up with a brilliant idea to save Planet Express. We'll turn it into a commercial airline! Leela: But that was my idea! Farnsworth: Then you should've talked louder. What? Leela: There. It was hard work, but it beats posing in demeaning, skimpy modelling outfits. Farnsworth: Ladies, here are your demeaning, skimpy stewardess outfits. Bender: Sorry, ma'am. I'll have to confiscate your artificial knee cap. Hattie: Okay, here you go. Fry: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the plane's president speaking. Fry: We are cleared for takeoff. Leela: You put Goofus and Ganja in charge? I'm the only trained pilot here. Farnsworth: Please, Leela. Who ever heard of a plane with a woman president? Bender: Welcome to Plan Am Flight 1 to Acapulsar. The local time on Acapulsar is five years from now. In the event of a wormhole sendin' us back in time, do not kill your parents. If you who are travelling with small children, help them not to kill you before not killin' your own parents. Now please turn off all electronic devices. Fry: Uh, preparing for takeoff. Man: I kill you, my friend! Labarbara: I hope you all enjoyed our timey beverage service. Now sit back and endure our in-flight entertainment. Zoidberg: Hiya! Hiya! Hiya! So what's the deal with airline food, hmm? They offer you two choices, but they're always outta one. Uh, by the way, we're outta both choices. Petunia: Shut up and put on four episodes of Da Office. Amana: Ooh, your hands are warm... For a Robot. Bender: Thanks, baby. I don't know what you're doing back here in the galley, 'cause you got a first-class C. Leela: Captain, we were supposed to land two days ago. Is everything- Hey! Fry: Are we at the fair yet, Mommy? Leela: We're not at the any place! And we're out of fuel! Amy: Attention, passengers. Please remain seated until the plane comes to a complete crash. Farnsworth: Perhaps we should reconsider the girly calendar. Leela: Flight-attendance log. We've crashed near a river of mercury on a lifeless, mineral world. Supplies are low. Cannibalism, imminent. Radio, busted. Our one hope is to form a society. Hermes: Okay, then. Men, let's get hunting. The women folk can cook what we catch. Labarbara: No one put you in charge, husband. I'm the only one here who ever ran a society. Hermes: Roller derby is not a society! Labarbara: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. All in favour of the jamooca thunderclap? That would be me. Hermes: Practically no one. All in favour of me? Dr. Cahill: Eight to eight. It's a tie. Farnsworth: We can't trust a woman's math! Count again! Big Rock Alien: Greetings, soft ones. Who among you is your leader? Men: He is! Women: She is! Big Rock Alien: Curious. You're a diarchic society? Hermes: Um, maybe. But, whatever we are, I'm the leader of it. Labarbara: Leader? Fat man, you couldn't even run a bath. Labarbara: Well, you sure can run something Your mouth! Big Rock Alien: Silence! Even a young pebble could see your race is divided based on the configuration of your twenty-third chromosome. Amy: You mean, "along gender lines"? Big Rock Alien: Gender? Sal: Yes. You knows, guyses, galses... In that order. Ows! Big Rock Alien: I am not familiar with this concept of gender. My species has only a single gender, known as nuchacho. Zoidberg: Interesting. Come on, men! Let's kill him! Big Rock Alien: Your genders differ in many ways, but, as with all things that are different, chocolate and vanilla, Mac and PC, one is always clearly better. Bender: Chocolate, Mac, men. The end. Big Rock Alien: Well, I've got nothing to do for the next eight million years. Therefore, I will administer a series of tests to determine the superior gender. Test number one Who can drink the most sulfur? Test inconclusive. Test number two Who can drink the most arsenic? Farnsworth: Just ask us some damn questions. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Which is larger? An Italian size four or an American apparel medium? How many calories are in a small green-tea yogurt. Name any twelve of the Desperate Housewives. How was your day? Test complete. What is the score? Bender: Uh... Men, five. Women, less. Amana: Hey! He's lying. Big Rock Alien: Obviously. That was a test to see who could lie better. The men win that round. Farnsworth: In your face, decumbent urinators. Big Rock Alien: So far, I have learned nothing, but that's probably as much my fault as yours. The time has come for the final test. Fry: Uh, we usually call it the lightning round. Big Rock Alien: As you may have noticed, it's getting hotter here. Leela: It's nice. Fry: It's too hot. Zoidberg: Would one of you chicks change the thermostat? Big Rock Alien: Tomorrow morning, this planet makes its closest pass to the sun. You will all be boiled alive like retired circus animals. Unless you somehow can cross the Great Alkali Plains and reach shelter in the Cave of Harmony. Fry: That sounds hard. Big Rock Alien: Which ever gender reaches the cave will survive and may the inferior gender burst into something. Flames, I guess. Hermes: Uh-oh. I think we're walking in circles. I recognise the pattern of striations on that gypsum formation. Fry: Also, my shoe that fell off. Bender: Oh, God. We're all gonna die in agony. Small Rock Alien: Howdy there. You fellows need some directions? Bender: No, we're fine. Farnsworth: Beat it. Fry: Don't worry about it. Labarbara: Keep it up, sistren. Only a few more miles to the cave. Let's just buckle down and- Amy: Look! A clearance sale! Labarbara: What?! Where? Labarbara: I can't believe that sale was just a mirage. Now we're going to die without so much as a factory second-clutch purse to show for it. Amy: It would've been nice to shop at Tommy Hilfiger one last time. Hattie: It wasn't Tommy Hilfi-gigger. It was Linens 'n Things! Petunia: The hell it was! It was a Juicy Couture! Leela: I guess we all saw what we wanted to see. Hermes: We can't make it tonight. We'll set up camp here by this shoe. Farnsworth: Oh, gentlemen. When that sun rises in the morning, we're toast. These are our last moments together. So, if anyone's got any good fart jokes, now would be the time. Amy: It's a schmundered degrees and all we have to drink are non-diet sodas. Petunia: It's gonna ruin ma figger. Leela: Wait. I forgot that Amana here is a refrigerator. If we could supercharge her freon with a gas compressor, we might survive the heat and make it to the cave. Amana: Hey, yeah! But the only gas compressor on this planet is inside Bender's ass. Dr. Cahill: Was that a fart joke? Because I don't find those amusing. Labarbara: No one does! Nevertheless, Bender's gas blaster may be our only hope. Hermes: Oh! Wife? What are you doin' with Bender's shiny metal, gas compressor? Labarbara: None of your Biz Markie. Wait a second. What's that do wah in your ditty bag? Hermes: Okay... So we were hot. I stole Amana's freon coil so we could hook it up to Bender's ass and build a cooler. Labarbara: You are no better than me, ya shifty tree skink! How do you live with yourself? Hermes: Damn it, woman! You are makin' me highly Selassie. Labarbara: Don't you talk to me that way, you big, hairy Belafonte! Hermes: Oh... You cookin' me back bacon. Thank you, woman. Labarbara: That's not back bacon! That's your back bakin'! Hermes: Oh, no! We overslept. Amy: The mercury's boiling! Petunia: Can't breathe... Lungs burnin'... Fry: My lucky shoe! Bender: Goodbye, cruel me! I learned that from a movie. Big Rock Alien: I find both genders supremely disappointing. The real reason I administered this bizarre, outer-space test was to teach you to work together! But you couldn't. Thanks to you, I lost my bet with the Borax Kid. Fry: Never bet against me being stupid. Big Rock Alien: Enough! Your gender differences have kept you from achieving harmony. There is only one way to resolve this conflict. Fry: Wait. Why didn't that hurt? My wing-wang's gone! Leela: My girls! Bender: My antenna! Hattie: My kajigger! Zoidberg: My gonopores! Look it up. Big Rock Alien: I have freed you from the tyranny of gender. Now go in peace. Or actually stay here. I'll go in peace. Farnsworth: Good news, nuchachos! The ship is nearly repaired. Sal: Work goes fasters withouts no secondary sex characteristicses at which to hoot. Now who wants to sing some Christopher Cross songs? Labarbara: I do! Fry: Look, associates. I made a hammock from our clothing. Leela: How industrious! Amy: Do you mind if we sleep with you? Fry: I have no opinion. Well, good night. Hermes: Everyone got along so well today. Labarbara: Yes. This place is like a neutered utopia. A neutopia! Hermes: I enjoy humour when no one gets hurt. Labarbara: Your companionship is inoffensive, Hermes. Hermes: Likewise. Really, what are we missing out on by not having sex right now? Labarbara: Well... Hermes: Give us back our genitals! Big Rock Alien: Is that you, Borax Kid? I've got your fifty bucks. Oh, it's you. Why do you want your genders? You seem happier without them. Labarbara: Bein' Human isn't just about bein' happy! It's about lovin' and fightin' and that rasta MacNasty we were doin' last night. We want that back. Big Rock Alien: Very well. Perhaps it is I who have learned a lesson. Or something. Bender: Now what? Big Rock Alien: I have decided, after little thought, to return your genders. Amy: Not cool, bro! Our genders are all reversed! Hattie: Now I got a what-ya-call-it instead of a kajigger, you stupid what-ya-call-it! Big Rock Alien: Okay. Stop yelling at me! It was an innocent mistake. Allow me to rectify it. Zapp: I got your distress call and came as quickly as I wanted to. No need to thank me. Leela: What's your problem, Holmes? Now we'll be stuck like this forever! Zapp: Chill out, dude. Well, hello from the neck down. Bender: Thank you for your patronage. We know you have a choice in airlines and you made the wrong one. No refunds! Hermes: Aren't we going to cuddle? Labarbara: Woman, I'm tired! I'm sorry. It's just... I need my sleep. I got to get up five times a night to play Xbox. Hermes: I understand. Womanhood also takes some getting used to. For example, did you know there are more than two feelin's? Labarbara: I only need one feelin' Love for you, wifey man. Hermes: Your manwich! Labarbara: No wonder it's such a mess in there. These bad boys are hard to aim. Leela: I hate being a man. I smell bad, my face is scratchy, and the food at those strip clubs is terrible. Amy: Crappin' A! Still, I'm sure the women are having an even harder time. Bender: OMG! Being chicks is so much fun. Fry: Now, when I say stupid things, guys all laugh and buy me stuff. Leela: What a skank. Anyway, Planet Express is still facing foreclosure. There's no way we can raise enough money to save this company. Amy: Wait. What about the girly calendar? Fry: Well, that won't work, remember? We only have three women on staff- Labarbara: "All female employees must pose nude if requested." Leela: And it is requested. Farnsworth: Let's just hope we can sell enough of these calendars by tomorrow. Farnsworth: We sold enough of those calendars since yesterday! Leela: Thank God most of our fans are huge perverts! Fry: Who're you, stranger? Borax Kid: Well, madam, folks called me the Borax Kid. My friend, the other rock Alien, died without settin' your genitals to right, so I reckon it's up to me to sex you up proper. Leela: My girls are back! Fry: Ow! Yay! Hermes: So what did you like better, my love? Bein' a man or a woman? Labarbara: I don't care what parts I have. As long as they interlock with yours. Farnsworth: Ah, marriage. It combines the contentedness of being neutered with the occasional sex of being not. Borax Kid: Well, I'd best mosey on down to the landing. Sounds like the feldspar queen is about to set sail. You folks watch your genitals now. Come on, boy! Giddy up! Leela: And that's that. Scruffy: What I miss?
Scene Description: South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre. Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on stage and an announcer speaks Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY! [the curtains part and Jimmy walks forward wearing a tuxedo] Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience. [the curtains close behind him] I know what most of you are thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my show..." [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on... [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. [the soft sound of one person clapping is heard] Uh... l... lights, please? [the house lights click on and only one person is seen in the seats: Butters] Butters: Hey Jimmy. Jimmy: Butters, w-where is everybody? Butters: Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him. Jimmy: Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?! Butters: You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman. Jimmy: I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?! Butters: Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show. Jimmy: So then, how come you came? Butters: Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh? [Jimmy stews on stage] Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front of the stage Mayor McDaniels: And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve. [everyone claps and the curtains open. The mayor and her aides step aside. Christopher Reeve rolls out towards the mic. Jimmy shows up to watch.] Reeve: Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. [stops to catch his breath with a fixed smile in place] I just flew into South Park. [catches his breath] Used to be I didn't need an airplane. Townspeople: Awwwww. [a smattering of applause] Reeve: As most of you know, [catches his breath] I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research. Jimmy: Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show! ["It is a proven fact that stem-cell research"] Cartman: We didn't go to your comedy show. Jimmy: I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! ["can add many years to the lives of people who have been disabled by accidents"] Stan: Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. ["or other ways."] Jimmy: Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do! Kyle: Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve. Stan: Yeah dude, not cool. Reeve: Though it is controversial, [catches his breath] stem cell research is critical [catches his breath] in the quest for helping [catches his breath] the disabled. Jimmy: I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH! [waddles off in a huff] Stan: Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one. Kyle: Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something. [they turn right and trot off] Timmy: Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a. Jimmy: [approaching] Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy? Timmy: Timmeh!! Jimmy: Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much. Timmy: Rrruh Timmeh! Reeve: In the coming days [catches his breath] I will prove to the world [catches his breath] that stem-cell research is a miracle. Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their trucks.] Cartman: Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep. Jimmy: Hey there fellas. Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled. [start laughing. The boys go back to playing with their trucks.] Kyle: What? Jimmy: To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve! Stan: That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one. [Jimmy and Timmy turn and walk away] Cartman: [jumps up and catches up to them] Hey, wait a minute! [Timmy and Jimmy stop] You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it! Jimmy: Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join. Cartman: Can too! Jimmy: [turns to Timmy] Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. [begins to laugh. Timmy begins to laugh as well] You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is. [Jimmy and Timmy laugh, and walk away laughing] Cartman: Oh God-damnit!! Kyle: Cartman, just stay out of it. Cartman: But they say I can't be in their club!! Stan: Cartman, trust me. [Kenny pushes his own truck away] We don't want any part in this one. Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it and enter Jimmy: Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. [Timmy has a box on his lap] McGillicuddy: Hello, boys. What can I do for you? Jimmy: [takes the box from Timmy] Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club. [Timmy beams with delight] We just came up with a name this morning. [McGillicuddy opens the box, pulls out the shirt, and his jaw drops. The shirt reads, "THE CRIPS"] McGillicuddy: Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts Jimmy: Why not? McGillicuddy: Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much. Jimmy: [stunned] ...There's already a Crips?! McGillicuddy: Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them? Jimmy: No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve? McGillicuddy: ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. [leaves the counter] Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and Timmy exit Jimmy: Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it. Timmy: [excited] Timmmeh! Jimmy: Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver. Scene Description: The Larry King Show on HNN, on air. King: My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms. Reeve: Thanks for having me on again, Larry. King: All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you. [with that fixed grin, Reeve strains to lift his right arm a few inches, then sets it down again.] Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is... unethical. Reeve: Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated [catches his breath] about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one [pulls a dead fetus up from an unseen container] can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet. King: And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris? Reeve: Well, it's very simple. [takes the fetus and cracks it open like a coconut, then sucks out its contents and tosses it aside] And now you can see, my arms have better movement. King: Wow. [begins clapping] Wow. Scene Description: Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, and a woman's screams are heard. Jimmy: Excuse me, sir. [the bum stops, startled] we're looking for a group of people called the Crips. Bum: You are? Jimmy: Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library. Bum: The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there, [points to the building he just passed] but ...nobody goes in there. Jimmy: [moves forward] Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim. Timmy: Timmmih! [follows] Scene Description: Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks in. Jimmy: Well hello everyone. [music abruptly stops] I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy. Timmy: Timmmih! [awkward silence, then softly] Tih... ti-timmih. Jimmy: [to a friend at left, as he points to the duo] Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter. Large Crip: Is they for real, manh? Jimmy: We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident? Braided Crip: The only Crips is born Crips, dawg. Tall Crip: Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool! Jimmy: I agree. I mean, it's like [enunciates] "come on"! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs? Timmy: Timmih! [silence] Jimmy: Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group? Buff Crip: All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods. Jimmy: Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it. Timmy: Timmih? Jimmy: [turns and answers softly] I don't know, Timmy, just play along. Timmy: Uh-tu-Timmih! Buff Crip: So you sayin' yuh down? Jimmy: Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown. [music starts up again, and Timmy and Jimmy leave. As they walk down the street a rap song plays] Jimmy: Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros? Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park. [as they walk, a police car rolls up and the passenger-side officer calls out] Officer: Hey you kids. Jimmy: [stops and looks] Well hello, officers. Officer: What the hell do you think you're doin'? Jimmy: We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods. Timmy: Timmih! [the officers simply look at each other and drive off.] Jimmy: [sees something] Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store. ["Ribs N Gass." A lot of gang members are milling around in front of the store] That must be what the fellas meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods." They want us to get them some soda pop and treats. [the gang members notice them coming and stop to look. They cross the street] Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure. Timmy: Oh, Timmih. [a truck appears in the distance and comes up fast.] Driver: [noticing almost too late] Oh shit! [swerves to avoid the duo and slams into the convenience store they were trying to reach. The store and truck go up in a ball of flames while Jimmy and Timmy stop in their tracks] Jimmy: Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver! Scene Description: Back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back at the warehouse. Buff Crip: Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night! Crip 1: One night? Crip 2: You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night? Buff Crip: That ain't never been done before! 58 Crip: And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale. Crips: [chattering] Uh huh. Cool. He's right. Jimmy: So does that mean we can join the c-c...club? Buff Crip: You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac! [a Crip steps forward] Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style! Cipac: All right. [hobbles off] Jimmy: Wow, these guys really are crippled. [the music starts up and the Crips start dancing] Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant. Timmy: Timmih! Scene Description: Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. The occupants are Crips. Jimmy: Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time. Cipac: Alrighty. Keep it real, dawg. Jimmy: You dawgs keep it real, too. [Cipac flashes the Crips signs for "West Coast Crips" and the boys return the gesture] Timmy: Timmih! [the Crips drive off] Jimmy: Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy. Timmy: Timmih! [Jimmy goes on home as Timmy rolls off] Scene Description: Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom worried. Mom: [jumps up] There you are, Jimmy! Jimmy: Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops? Pops: Jimmy, your mother was gettin' worried about you. Jimmy: No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. [turns and hobbles off] Scene Description: Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begins speaking to the camera. Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand. Reeve: [flanked by two doctors, one of them carrying a medical organ cooler] Thank you everyone. [pulls out a fetus from the cooler and holds it in his left hand] To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me, [lifts it into the air] it's hope. [snaps it open as before and sucks out its juices.] Crowd: Uugh. Scene Description: Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs. Mr. Garrison: [arm around Mr. Slave] What an inspiration. Reporter: Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now? [Reeve takes out another fetus and sucks it dry. Stan and the boys walk by] Stan: [admonishing] Stay clear, guys, stay clear. Kyle: Yup. I'm not seeing anything. Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits. Mr. Kim: Hey [studies the boys before him, then holds up his arms] Hey, I don't want no trouble! Jimmy: Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung... Pao Chicken, please. Mr. Kim: I don't want no trouble! You just... take what you want and leave! Timmy: Timmih! Mr. Kim: [as if Timmy had barked an order] OH! Okay, okay! [steps to the cash register and opens it] I open register Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please. Timmy: Timmih. Mr. Kim: [pulls out a stack of bills and sets them on the counter, then holds his arms up again] Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take! Jimmy: [confused] Huh? Mr. Kim: You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar! Jimmy: Ah- are you sure? Mr. Kim: I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave! Jimmy: [approaches the counter. Mr. Kim goes about preparing the food order] Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person. [gets the money and shows it to Timmy] Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something. Mr. Kim: Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea! Jimmy: Actually, it was a regular lemonade. Mr. Kim: [mortified at his error] AAAAAGH-agh!! [bows] I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble. [reaches for a cup and prepares a regular lemonade] Here. Remonade. [sets it on the counter. Jimmy reaches for it] Now go, just go! Jimmy: Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time. Timmy: [smiles] Timmih! Mr. Kim: [soon lowers his arms and places a call] Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, then closes. Pops: Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please? Jimmy: [enters] Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops? Pops: Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you. [Jimmy approaches a chair and struggles to climb up on it. He gets no help from his parents. He succeeds in climbing the chair, then in sitting upright. He settles down.] Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang. Jimmy: A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg. Mamsie: Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! [buries her face in Ryan's chest and sobs uncontrollably] Jimmy: Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean [enunciates the nest two words] come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much. Ryan: Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good. Jimmy: Yo, don't be dissing my n*as, dawg. They're my f-friends. Mamsie: And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too? Jimmy: [now naturally] Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole! Ryan: Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason! Jimmy: Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school. Ryan: That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son. Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n*a on your left. [hops off the chair and ambles off. His mom sobs again. Ryan holds her] Scene Description: A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, having a headache. Reeve: Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again. Aide: [rushes in with a fresh delivery] Here's the new shipment, sir. [Reeve lunges for the box and rips it out of the aide's hands, pushing the aide away] Hey! [Reeve tears into the box, opens the cooler, grabs a fetus, and starts sucking its juices out. A few seconds later, a door at the far wall opens] Man: Hello there, Christopher. [Reeve is upset that he's been disturbed, but turns around and turns pleasant] Reeve: Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you? Hackman: I'm good. You? Reeve: I am better with each passing day. [turns around and pulls out another fetus] Stronger and more agile. [sucks its juices out as Hackman looks on] Hackman: Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing? Reeve: [with fetus still on his lips] What? Hackman: Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone. Reeve: And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman? Hackman: I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher. Reeve: [raises his arms in a fit of rage, then turns away] Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am... [looks back menacingly] Chris! Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle. Jimmy: Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six- [outside, a car rolls up to the house slowly. Four Bloods look at the house, all of them with masks on] Blood: [front passenger side] Payback time, mothafucka! [the Bloods starts spraying the house with bullets] Jimmy: [looks around as the bullets tear up the windows] Jesus Christ! [dives to the floor and crawls to the other side of the table, then rises up.] Holy G...guacamole! [the bullets start tearing up the couch and the front door. Jimmy dives to the floor, then rises up a few seconds later.] Freakin' Frijoles! [dives to the floor again. The front door is gone and the couch's stuffing is all over the place. Its springs pop out. The right-side portrait next to the door falls. The bullets stop, and Jimmy rises once again] Leapin' L-langosta. [the left-side portrait falls] Blood: East Side Bloods! [the Bloods drop back into their car and peel off. Some time later, Officer Barbrady and his men show up to take reports and check out the crime scene. Timmy has returned to be with Jimmy. Two people walk up to the Swansons] Hyde: We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver. Jimmy: Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer? Richardson: Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods. Jimmy: The... B-Bloods? Hyde: You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time! Jimmy: The-they do?? Richardson: Don't act like you don't know, you lil' punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too. Jimmy: But... but why do they hate each other? Hyde: Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore! Jimmy: Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve? Hyde: [realizes this conversation is fruitless] Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed. [the detectives leave. Jim's mom begins to sob and then runs into the house.] Ryan: [follows her in] Sarah! Jimmy: [begins to pace before Timmy] Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong. Timmy: [agreeing] Tim-mih. Jimmy: Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there. Timmy: Timmih!! Jimmy: This is gonna be t-terrific! Scene Description: South Park, next day, in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Reporter: [same as before] Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head. [Christopher walks over to a green truck and lifts the front end up over his head. The crowd oohs and claps for him] Randy: Oh, what a fighter. Gerald: That brave, brave man. Liane: He's an inspiration to us all. Reporter: Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength. Hackman: [appears with a crowd of people] Chris, that's enough! Reeve: [looks at Hackman and drops the truck] Hello, Gene! So good to see you! Hackman: You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells. Reeve: Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?! Reporter: Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is. Hackman: They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you! Reeve: Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! [reaches over, picks up the truck clear over his head, and throws it at Hackman. Hackman and his crowd jump clear of the truck's path, screaming. The truck lands upside down where the crown stood. Reeve then runs down the street and onto a car] You won't stop me, Hack Man! [runs off the truck and jumps away maniacally] Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa! [jumps higher and higher until he clears buildings with each jump] Ya ha ha! Yaa haha! Reporter: Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now. Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disguised as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat. Jimmy: Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside. [the last of the guests enter] Great to see you all. What a terrific audience. Janitor: [an elderly man soon exits] Are you sure you got everything you need, young man? Jimmy: We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by. Mr. Appleby: Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area. Jimmy: You bet. [he and Timmy move around him and into the center] Mr. Appleby: I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time. Jimmy: Oh, we will. [Mr. Appleby closes the door and locks it.] Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball hoop. The Crips stand in reply. Buff Crip: The Bloods! Blood 1: Oh shit! It's a trap! Blood 2: Muthafuckin Crips tryin' to smoke us all out! Crip: What the hell is goin' on here? [Jimmy and Timmy step into the middle ground between the two gangs] Jimmy: It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles. Timmy: Timmih! Jimmy: But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along. [immediately, both sides draw weapons and aim them at each other. Once all the weapons are out...] Theeerrre's pizzaaa. Scene Description: Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made lake. Reporter: Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom! [Its headquarters now appears behind him] The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom. Scene Description: Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing before a group of villains, both real and imagined. Reeve: I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, [Osama bin Laden and Dr. Doom are shown, then Blank Manta and Saddam Hussein] Their desire for world conquest, [Cheetah, Kim Jong-il, and David Blaine are shown] and their hatred of all things good! [Professor Chaos is shown] And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to... [the picture behind him changes from a fist smashing Earth to a picture of Gene Hackman] get rid of Hack Man!! [laughs maniacally for effect, but no other villain moves] Dr. Doom: Uhhh, how about domination of the world? Saddam Hussein: Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels? Reeve: Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission. Professor Chaos: Oh boy, General Disarray, may- maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one. Hackman: [bursts through the doors with his supporters] Not so fast, Chris! Reeve: [sucking on yet another fetus] Hack Man! Hackman: We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over! Reeve: No... [grabs his head in frustration] NOOOO! Hackman: And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again! Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge each other. Buff Crip: You stupid mofos are dead! Blood 3: Make the first shot, punk! Jimmy: Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers. Blood 4: Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! [the atmosphere grows tense] Jimmy: Look, we have the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together? 58 Crip: You talkin' crazy, dawg. Blood 5: Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka! Jimmy: Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, [enunciates] Come on! [several tense seconds pass] Buff Crip: Wait a minute. What did you say? Jimmy: I said, "I mean, [enunciates] Come on!" Blood 4: You know, maybe he's right. I mean, [enunciates] Come on! Jimmy: [enunciates] Come on. Buff Crip: I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like [enunciates] Come on. Blood 6: Yeah. Come on. Crip 2: Yeah, that's right. Come on. Jimmy: Come on. Someone: Come on. All: [in agreement] Yeah, that's right. Come on. [moments later rap music is playing, gang members gather in the pool and one prepares for a dive. In the gym gang members play basketball without arguing. One of them dances along the foul line. In another room gang members play pool. The camera stops at Jimmy and three members - two Crips and one Blood] Buff Crip: I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate. Jimmy: I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger. Blood: Right on! Crip: [walks up to Timmy] Hey little roller, try some of this chronic shit. Timmy: Timmih! [takes a hit. Both Crips and Bloods laugh] Jimmy: I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'. [a song begins, and Jimmy approaches the camera] The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in? Gang Members: It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along, But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song. Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love. Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs. Scene Description: Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane of glass. Reeve: You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!! Scene Description: The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the celestial spectacle. Stan: Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one. Kyle: Me too.
Bill: Well, if the big man wants a new scoreboard, I don't wanna be the one to tell him no. Reilly: No-one in the park is gonna be able to see it from there. George: (through a mouthful of shrimp) Well, why don't we just put a monitor in his skybox? Reilly: Hey George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. George: (angry, to himself) The ocean called. Running outta shrimp. Outta shrimp! (a thought occurs) Oh! Yes! That's what I shoulda said! (frustrated shout) Dammit! Jerry: 'The ocean called, They're running outta shrimp'? George: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then, I said to him, 'Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called, and they're running outta you.' Jerry: (smiling) Really? That's great. You said that to him? George: (confessing) Well, actually, I thought it up on the way over here. Jerry: Oh. That's not quite the same. George: No. No it's not. You don't know this guy. It woulda been so sweet. Jerry: I'm gonna grab a can of balls. George: Right. Milos: Hello. My name is Milos. How can I help you. Jerry: I need a can of balls. Milos: Can of balls for the nice guy, alri... Milos: ...Ahh. You don't plan to hit these balls with that racquet, do you? Kramer: Checking out the staff picks, Miss Benes? Elaine: Oh. (laughs) Ha-ha. Hey. Yeah, yeah. (indicating shelf) This Vincent guy, he is the best. He and I have the exact same taste in movies. Kramer: Oh, Vincent is an art-house goon. I stick to the Gene rack. Elaine: Gene? Oh, it's so stupid and mainstream. Kramer: (indicates 'Gene' shelf) I've seen all these, so I went with a Kramer pick. Elaine: (reading) 'The Other Side Of Darkness'. Huh, I never heard of that one. Kramer: Yeah, went straight to video. Kramer: (positive) That makes me the premiere. Elaine: (gets Kramer's point) Hah. Kramer: Jerry, have you ever seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness? Jerry: No. Kramer: It's about this woman, in a coma. Well, I couldn't finish watching it, so I want you to read this. Jerry: (reading) 'I, Cosmo Kramer, having just seen the movie The Other Side Of Darkness, and not wanting to be in a coma like that lady in the movie, hereby want Jerry Seinfeld to remove my life support, feeding machine, lung-blower, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.' Kramer: Can you do that for me, buddy? Jerry: Well, I don't if what you have here constitutes a legally binding document. Kramer: Well, I'm gonna type it up. Jerry: Yes, well, of course, but, even so, you may wanna talk to a lawyer. Kramer: Yeah, but, Jackie Chiles, he put a restraining order on me. (frustrated) I'm not allowed within two hundred feet of his office. I couldn't even give him his Christmas present. Kramer: Oh, hey, new racquet, huh? Jerry: Yeah. (hands racquet to Kramer) I wasn't gonna get it, but this guy Milos, who runs the pro shop, he really recommended it. Jerry: In fact, it's the only racquet he plays with. Kramer: (picking up Jerry's old racquet) Well, you're not gonna need this any more. Jerry: (accusingly) Hey, this is the zee page of my address book. Kramer: (explaining) Oh yeah, I put all your zees on the weights and measures page. Elaine: (emotional) Oh. Oh, bravo, Vincent. Bravo. (sniffs) Elaine: What? Vincent (O.C.): Did you enjoy the movie? Elaine: Who is it? Vincent (O.C.): It's Vincent. Elaine: Of Vincent's picks? Vincent (O.C.): The same. Jerry: He called you? Elaine: He musta got my number off the computer. We ended up talking for, like, two hours. Jerry: To a guy you've never met? (mild sarcasm) Your screening process is getting ever more rigorous. Elaine: Trying to meet him. He's never at the video store. They said he sets his own hours. Player (O.C.): Little help, hey! Elaine: (tossing the ball back) Yeah. Player: Thank you. Elaine: (laughing to Jerry) Oh god, that guy's terrible. Jerry: (pulling on a jacket) Mmm-hmm. Elaine: Hey, how come we played at this crummy place instead of your club? Jerry: George used up all my guest passes already. Elaine: Ah. Player: Ahh. Jerry: Come on. Player: Thank you. Jerry: (tossing the ball) Here you go. Jerry: (disbelief) Milos? Milos: (shock) Oh, hey. (puts sunglasses back on) How you doing? Milos: Okay, we should uh, wrap it up here. Elaine: So he was bad. What d'you care? Jerry: Elaine, I paid two hundred dollars for this racquet, because he said it's the only one he plays with. He could've played just as well with a log. Kramer: Hey. Right, I talked to this lawyer guy, Shellbach. Now, he's gonna set me up, but you gotta come with me and be the executor. Elaine: The executor? Of what? Jerry: Kramer wants to die with dignity. Elaine: There's a feather in your cap. Kramer: I don't wanna be a vegetable, Elaine. I just want out. (snaps fingers) George: Sometimes in life, the gods smile upon you, my friends. Jerry: D'you get someone to take that Canadian quarter? George: I got another meeting with Reilly. A whole new audience, and I bet I can get him to try that line again. Elaine: Who's Reilly? Jerry: George was scarfing shrimp at this meeting, and this guy says 'Hey, George, the ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.' George: Listen to the comeback. (pleased) 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.' George: (worked up) Wha...You gotta be kidding me?! Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'? George: (confused) What does that mean? Jerry: (taps George's chest) Hey, here you go. 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.' George: (frustrated) No. No, no, no. You're not helping me. Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him. George: (shouting) I'm not looking for another line. I got the line. Kramer: Look, George, just think about it. You know, you're married, how would you feel if somebody says to you that they just had se... George: (really animated) Alright, alright. You see? This is why I hate writing with a large group. Everybody has their own little opinions, and it all gets homogenised, and you lose the whole edge of it. I'm going with jerk store! Jerk store is the line! Jerk store! Yess! Kramer: (picking the racquet up) Did you take this out of the garbage? Jerry: Yeah, it's still got some spring in the strings. Kramer: Oh, Jerry, this is a piece of junk. (drops racquet in the trash) How are you gonna be the executor of my living will? Kramer: (indicating) You see? You can't let go. Jerry: Trust me, Kramer. Given the legal opportunity, I will kill you. Kramer: I wish I could believe you. Hey, Elaine, do you have some free time tomorrow afternoon? Elaine: Me? Kramer: Yeah, because you're perfect. You're a calculating, cold-hearted businesswoman. And when there's dirty work to be done, you don't mind stomping on a few throats. Elaine: (smiling, flattered) Oh, ho, c'mon. Shellbach: Situation number four. You're breathing on your own, you're conscious, but with no muscular function. Kramer: Well, would I be able to communicate? Shellbach: I don't see how. Elaine: Ach, I don't like the sound of this one. Kramer: Huhh, yeah, let's pull the cord. Elaine: Yank it like (pops open soda can) you're starting a mower. Shellbach: Moving on. You have liver, kidneys and gall bladder, but no central nervous system. Kramer: Well, I gotta have a central nervous system. Shellbach: Okay. One lung, blind and you're eating through a tube. Kramer: Naw, that's not my style. Elaine: Bore-ing. Shellbach: Alright, you can eat. But machines do everything else. Kramer: (hesitant) Uhm... Elaine: I'd stick. Kramer: Yeah, yeah. Stick. (to Elaine) 'Cos I could still go to the coffee shop. Elaine: (points to Kramer and smiles in agreement) That's right. Jerry: Hello Milos. Milos: Jerry, thank god you got my message. Thank you so much for coming down here. Uhm, listen... Jerry: (animated) You know, I spent two hundred dollars on a racquet because I thought you knew what you were talking about. Milos: I..I... Jerry: You can't even play. Milos: Believe me, it is Milos great shame. But Jerry, I could lose my business if anybody find out. How would you like extra year membership of the club? Free. No charge. Jerry: You could do that? Milos: Jerry, for you, anything. Jerry: (indicating the woman) Game, set and match, huh Milos? Milos: (apologetic) Hah, Jerry, I am so sorry. they tell me there is no way they can do it. (meek) Is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all. I refund your money. Jerry: (animated) You know what Milos, I don't even care about the money. I just feel like I was taken by the worst tennis player I... Milos: Shhh-shhh. (whispers) I make it up to you. Jerry: (doubtful) Yeah, you'll make it up to me. Jerry: Tennis, anyone? Elaine: Oh, this is the one Vincent told me about. The Pain And The Yearning. (reads from the box) 'An old woman experiences pain and yearning.' A hundred and ninety-two minutes? Kramer: That's a lotta yearning, huh? Elaine: You know, these movies are great, but they're just so emotionally exhausting. Kramer: Yeah, well, what you need is some summertime adolescent high jinx. Elaine: Really? Kramer: (looking at 'Gene' rack) See what doctor Gene prescribes, huh? (pulls down a cassette) Oh, here, look at that. Weekend At Bernies Two. Now, that's an hilarious premise. Elaine: (laughs) Huh. (looks from tape to tape) Well... Kramer: Yeah. (taps the Weekend At Bernie's II box) Elaine: Yeah, I could use a chuckle. Kramer: (approving) Yeah. Elaine: What're you getting? Kramer: Nothing, I'm gonna finish watching The Other Side Of Darkness. Elaine: Oh. How much you got left? Kramer: Yeah, about two hours. Kramer: Yeah, she shot in that coma pretty quick. Elaine: (at TV screen) Bernie is dead, you moron! (frustration) Just because he's wearing sunglasses he looks alive?! (picks up video box) Ugh, how long is this weekend, anyway? (reads from label) Ugh! Elaine: Hello. Vincent (O.C.): (accusing) How's the movie. Elaine? Elaine: Vincent? Vincent (O.C.): (betrayed) The Gene pick. How could you? I thought we had something special. Elaine: (defensive) No, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not even gonna rewind it. Elaine: Vincent? Fred: Alright, let's get to it. George: Wha..wait a minute, wha..what about Reilly? Fred: Reilly doesn't work here any more. George: (surprise) What? I..I didn't hear about that. Fred: Oh, we only wake you up for the important meetings. Patty: Hello. Jerry: Hello. Didn't I see you at the pro shop yesterday? Patty: I think so. I'm Patty. Milos gave me your address. I hope you don't mind me waiting for you here. Jerry: (to himself) Hoh, that Milos. (to Patty) Well uh, what shall we do, uhm, care for a cup of coffee? Patty: Why don't we just go up to your apartment? Jerry: (surprised) Alright. Jerry: (to himself) Gotta be an easier way. Nurse (O.C.): Doctor, how's her coma? Doctor (O.C.): Oh, exactly the same. Doctor (O.C.): Wait a minute, she's coming out of the coma. Doctor (O.C.): Mrs Allbright, can you hear me? Are you okay? Allbright (O.C.): (bright and cheerful) I feel so rested and refreshed. Get me a toothbrush. Jerry: So, you play tennis? Patty: (putting the glass down on the counter) Enough talk, Jerry. Jerry: Not for me, I love chatting. Patty: (putting her hand to Jerry's face) Shh. Patty: (anguished) No! No, I can't do this. (moving away) I can't go through with it. (sitting on the couch) Not even for him! Jerry: Who? Patty: (cries) Milos. My husband! Jerry: (shocked) Your husband?! George: So concerned was he, that word of his poor tennis skills might leak out, he chose to offer you his wife as some sort of mediaeval sexual payola? Jerry: (explanation) He's new around here. George: (hopeful) So, details? Jerry: (walking away) Well, I didn't sleep with her. George: Because of society, right? Jerry: (weary) Yes, George, because of society. So how did the big meeting turn out? George: Reilly is no longer with the club. (getting up) You believe that? Jerry: Ah, you're better off. Now you can just let it go. George: Yeah, I'm gonna let it go. Jerry: You never really had the right comeback, anyway. George: (animated) Are you insane? Jerk store, woulda smoked that guy! Smoked him, I say. Kramer: Hey. Oh, Jerry, listen uh, you know, I saw the rest of that movie, The Other Side Of Darkness? The coma lady wakes up at the end. George: (frustrated) Ohh, I wanted to see that. (waves his arms in frustration) Thanks. Thanks a lot. Kramer: I didn't know it was possible to come out of a coma. Jerry: I didn't know it was possible not to know that. George (O.C.): (from bathroom) How was Eric Roberts as the husband? Kramer: (shouting back) Oh, unforgettable. George (O.C.): (disappointed) Oww. Kramer: (nervous) I gotta find Elaine. Y'know, she's gonna pull my plug. Elaine: What? Betrayed? Oh, Vincent, I'm so sorry. I... Kramer: Yeah, listen, uh, Elaine, I've changed my mind about the whole coma thing. (positive) Yeah, I decided I'm up for it. Elaine: Kramer, do you have any idea what you've done? Manager: Excuse me. Elaine: What're you doing? Elaine: Wha..wha...? Manager: Vincent stopped making picks. Elaine: (upset) Well, how am I gonna know what movies to see? Manager: We have a wide variety of Gene picks. Elaine: (dismissive) Gene's trash. Manager: I'm Gene. Elaine: (forcing a smile) Hi. Jerry: Milos, I can assure you, I had no intention of telling anyone about your unbelievably bad tennis playing. Milos: (not cheered) Thank you, but, unfortunately, I have much larger problems to fry. My wife, she has no respect for Milos anymore. Jerry: I guess that's a risk you run when you dabble in the flesh trade. Milos: Patty, she, she loves tennis, as much like I do. (hopeful) Wou..would you, wi..will you let me beat you in tennis? That is the only way I can show her I am still a man. Jerry: (reluctant) Well, I'll do it as long as there's no other girls around. I mean, I wanna be a man too. Jerry: So you hurt Vincent's feelings? Elaine: (handing Jerry an envelope) Look what came in the mail today. Jerry: (taking the envelope) Wh..What's this? Elaine: It's the play button, off his VCR. Jerry: (examining the button) Boy, look how far back it goes. It's like a tooth. George: (sitting) So, guess where Mr 'Ocean phoned' turned up? He's working for Firestone, in Akron, Ohio. Elaine: Ohio? George: Yep. I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning. Jerry: (nonplused) You're flying to Akron, just to zing a guy? George: Don't you understand? It's not about him. To have a line as perfect as 'jerk store' and to never use it. I, I couldn't live with myself. Elaine: See, there are no jerk stores. It..it's just a little confusing, is all. George: (adamant) It's smart. It's a smart line, and a smart crowd will appreciate it. (shouting) And, I'm not gonna dumb it down for some bonehead mass audience! George: (waving apologetically) Not you. Old Woman (O.C.): Oh, brittle bones. How I long to be rid of the pain. Elaine: Hello. Vincent (O.C.): Elaine? It's Vincent. Elaine: (surprised) Vincent. (pleading) Where are you? I have to meet you. Vincent (O.C.): No. I can't bear to have anyone see me. Elaine: Vincent, listen, I won't judge you the way everyone else does. You're, you're strange and beautiful, and sensitive. (blunter) Now, let's have a look at you. Vincent (O.C.): (relenting) Alright, but, can you bring me few things from the store? I haven't been out in a while. Kramer: (indicating that cars should pass him) Well, go around, you bunch of crazies. You maniacs are gonna get us all killed. Secretary: Hi, can I help you? Kramer: Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm Cosmo Kramer. Yeah, I had an appointment to annul my living will. Secretary: Oh. (looks at her watch) Mr Kramer, you had a ten-thirty appointment. It's two o'clock. Mr Shellbach had a tennis lesson. He's gone for the day. Jerry: Too good. Milos: (triumphant shout) Another game for Milos!! Hahaha! Jerry: You're on fire today. Milos: (shouting over) Hey Patty. look at this guy. He's awful! Milos: (milking it) He's not a man, this Jerry. He's not even married like I am. (laughs) Huhuhuhu. Jerry: (quietly) Hey, uh, Milos, I don't mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the 'not a man' stuff? Milos: (shouting) Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can't handle this, so he cries like a woman! (laughs evilly) Hahaha! Elaine: Hello? Vincent? Vincent: Elaine? Elaine: I got what you asked. Vincent: Just, leave it and go. Elaine: W..well, can't I come in? Vincent: No. Go away. Now. Elaine: (pleading) No, no. Vincent, I... Don't shut me out. (beseeching) I just, I know you feel what I feel. Woman: Excuse me. Can I help you? Vincent: Aw, dammit! Elaine: (confused) Uh, uhm, I'm, I'm here to see Vincent. Woman: Well, I'm his mother. (stern) Vincent, what's going on here? Vincent: (shrieks) No, my acne! Elaine: Ahh-cnee. Woman: (regarding the grocery bag) What d'you have here? Woman: (disapproving) Vodka, cigarettes, fireworks. (accusing) What kind of a sick woman brings this to a fifteen year old? Elaine: (sick smile) We have the same taste in movies. Woman: Did he send you part of our VCR? Elaine: Yeah. Woman: (entering the apartment) Vincent! Milos: (pointing and shouting) Look at the big baby! (laughter) Hehaha. (to Jerry) Hey, big baby, are you wetting yourself? Maybe it is time for you to be changed. (laughter) Hahah. Jerry: (quietly) I told you to cut it out. Milos: (quietly, to Jerry) Hey, c'mon, what're you doing? (to his audience) Kramer: (waving) Shellbach. Kramer: Racquet. Reilly: So, George. You're proposing a snow tyre day at Yankee Stadium? George: (through a mouthful) Long as they don't throw 'em on the field. (laughs) Huhu. (indicating dish) Help yourself to some shrimp, I brought enough for everybody. Mcadam: (doubtful) I have to say this, this proposal doesn't make a whole lot of sense. George: Well, you never know. (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth. Reilly: (leaning forward) You know, George... Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp. George: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you Reilly: (unperturbed) What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller! George: Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife. Mcadam: His wife is in a coma. Elaine: (to Jerry) Hi. (indicating Kramer) How's he doing? Jerry: He's been sleeping a lot. He's still groggy. Elaine: Oh. (puts the VCR down) I thought a movie might cheer him up. I got him a Gene pick. Jerry: What happened to Vincent? Elaine: (evasive) I'm kinda off of him. (looking around) Uh, outlet? Elaine: Ah. Kramer: (screaming) Waahhh!!! George: 'My wife's in a coma.' Yeah? Well, the life support machine called and... George: (shouts) Wait! Yes! That's what I should've said! (frustration) D'ohh! George: (cocky laughter) Huh haha! (shouts) You're meat, Reilly! You just screwed yourself! (laughter) Ha ha!
Quark: Why don't you tell your Uncle Quark all about it? Dax: What are you talking about, Quark? Quark: You're fifteen minutes late for your appointment in the holosuites, and by the look of that drink, you've been nursing it for a while. You got stood up, didn't you? Dax: Well, if you must know, I'm waiting for Major Kira. We were supposed to go anti-grav sailing together, but you know how she feels about the holosuites. Kira: She feels they're a complete waste of time. Anything worth doing in a holosuite can be done better in the real world. Quark: You've obviously never been in the right holosuite program. But, if you'd like, I could Kira: You could, but you'd live to regret it. Quark: Maybe some other time. Kira: Sorry I'm late. Sisko and I had to revise crew rotations again. Dax: So you're not canceling? Kira: No. I'm kind of looking forward to it, except for crashing. Dax: Oh, don't worry, you won't crash. We'll start out with an easy simulation like sailing across the Great Erg on New Mecca. You'll see, it'll be great . Crewman: Ops to Major Kira. Kira: Kira here. Crewman: You have an incoming communication from the Bajoran Central Archives. Kira: I'm in the Replimat. I'll take it down here. This will only take a minute. Kira: This is Major Kira. Alenis: Major My name is Alenis Grem. I'm doing a study on the Elemspur Detention Center for the Bajoran Central Archives and I was hoping to ask you a few questions. Kira: I'd be glad to help, but why come to me? I was never at Elemspur. Alenis: Cardassian records clearly indicate that a Kira Nerys was held at Elemspur for seven days. Kira: You've got the wrong Kira Nerys. Believe me, if I'd been held in a Cardassian prison, I'd remember. Alenis: I don't understand. I have the records right here. Kira Nerys of Dahkur Province, a member of the Shaakar resistance cell. You see? Dax: It's you. Odo: If your memory and these prison records don't agree, then one of them must be wrong. Either the records or Kira: My memory is fine. I know exactly where I was that week. Odo: After ten years? Kira: I spent the entire winter with my Resistance group in the Dahkur Hills. We had no power cells for our phasers, very little food, and we spent most of our time in caves hiding from Cardassian sensor sweeps. Believe me, it was very memorable. These records are fake. The only question is, who faked them and why. Odo: According to this, you supposedly shared a cell with three other inmates. Maybe one of them can help us find out what's going on here. Yeln: Elemspur? I haven't thought about that place for a long time. Kira: I was hoping you could answer some questions about your fellow prisoners. Yeln: I'll try and. Now wait a minute. I remember you. You were there, too, weren't you? Kiri something? Kira: Kira. Kira Nerys. Yeln: I almost didn't recognize you. You used to wear your hair differently, didn't you? Longer? Kira: You remember me after all this time? Yeln: When the Cardassians dragged you out of our cell, I gave you up for dead. Glad to see I was wrong. Those were bad times. Kira: Yes, they were. Sisko: He could've been lying. Kira: Maybe. But the records and the only surviving witness both say I was at Elemspur. My memory says something different. I've got to find out the truth. Sisko: I understand. If there's anything you need? Kira: I'll let you know. This shouldn't take long. I should only be on Bajor a few days. Sisko: We'll try to manage without you until you get back. Bashir: There you are, Garak. I went past your shop, but it was closed. Garak: Unfortunately business has been a bit slow. For some reason, living under the constant threat of Dominion attack has made people less eager to invest in new clothing. So how was your trip to Klaestron Four? Bashir: Oh, terrific. The Klaestrons have developed a burn treatment technology which has to be seen to be believed. Garak: You know, I envy you. Bashir: How so? Garak: When I was younger, traveling was a bit of a passion for me. There are few things in life that compare with the thrill of immersing yourself in the culture of an alien world, meeting the inhabitants, earning their trust. But aside from our brief excursion to Bajor, I don't think I've been off this station in nearly three years. Bashir: What's stopping you? Ships are leaving Deep Space Nine almost every day. Garak: Space is dangerous, Doctor. You never know what might happen. Bashir: Garak, you're being paranoid. Are you saying the Cardassian government would have you killed if you left this station? Garak: My dear Doctor, you do have a vivid imagination. Dax: Commander, we're receiving a transmission from the Bajoran Central Archives Sisko: I'll take it. If you're looking for Major Kira, I'm afraid she's not on the station right now. She's on Bajor. Alenis: I know. That's why I called. The Major contacted me before she left. She was supposed to meet with me so I could show her the information I retrieved from Elemspur. She never came. I tried to contact the Major to reschedule, but she wasn't where she said she'd be. As far as I can tell, no one's seen her since she left the spaceport for Elemspur. Entek: Wake her. Kira: Where where am I? Yteppa: It's all right. You're safe. Kira: What have you done to me? Entek: We've brought you back home, to Cardassia. Entek: Please, we're here to help you. Kira: I don't know who you are or what you're trying to do, but it won't work. Whatever you think this is going to get you, you can forget it. Entek: We don't think it's going to get us anything. If all we wanted was information, we'd have it already. Kira: Oh? Then what's stopping you? Entek: We have no intention of hurting you. Why should we? You're one of us. Kira: This is absurd. You can mutilate me, change my appearance, you are never going to convince me that I am a Cardassian. Entek: I know this is difficult for you, and I'm sorry. I wish there were a better way to prepare you for what you're going through. Sometimes I question the wisdom of our infiltration methods. By altering the memories of our long-term operatives, we ensure that they'll never be diskovered, but it makes reintegrating them back into Cardassian society much more difficult. Still, it's hard to argue with success. Kira: You really expect me to believe all of this? Entek: Of course not. At least, not yet. We've given you medication to reverse your memory loss, but it can take some time to become effective. Until your original memory re-emerge, I don't expect you to believe a word I say. But it still can be difficult watching someone you care about suffer. Kira: Oh, so I suppose you and I are old friends? Entek: I supervised your training. You are an undercover operative of the Obsidian Order named Iliana Ghemor. Ten years ago, you volunteered for an undercover assignment on Bajor. We kidnapped a Bajoran terrorist, gave you her memories, her appearance, and placed you back on Bajor to infiltrate the Resistance. I know, you don't believe me, but you'll remember. It will just take some time. Being here should help. Kira: This place? It's just another Cardassian prison. Entek: This is not a prison, Iliana. This is your room in the house where you were born. Your home. Kira: My home is in the Dahkur Province of Bajor. Entek: Here. This contains a personal statement you recorded before you were sent to Bajor. Watch it. It should help explain things. If you have any questions, just ask. Odo: We've interviewed all the residents in the vicinity of the Elemspur Detention Center. One of them thinks he saw Kira walking up the old Cardassian road toward the Center. Dax: When we scanned the area, we found a residual electrostatic charge. Sisko: This could be a transporter trace. You think she was beamed away? All right, I want the name of every ship that was in the area at the time of the beam out. Constable, contact your friends in the Bajoran militia. Tell them we need to see the activity logs of all the ground-based transporters in that area. That'll be all. Dax: Benjamin, those residual electrostatic charges. They could also have been left by a disrupter or a phaser set to kill. Sisko: I know. Cardassian: Look to the children. They are the future of Cardassia and they Kira: Enter. Entek: Ah. There's someone here who wants to see you. Ghemor: You took your time about it, Entek. I don't appreciate being kept waiting in my own house. Entek: As I explained, Legate, the initial debriefings can be difficult. We couldn't allow any interruptions. Ghemor: It really is you. Entek: Remember, her memory hasn't returned yet. Ghemor: I understand. Iliana, I, I wish I could tell you how much this means to me. Kira: Am I supposed to know you? Entek: Iliana, this is Legate Tekeny Ghemor. He's your father. Kira: My father? My father died on Bajor fighting the Cardassians. Ghemor: That's not true. I'm sorry. I know you don't remember me, but I've been waiting for this for so long. Please leave us. Entek: Are you sure that's wise? Ghemor: She's my daughter. She's not going to hurt me. Entek: As you wish. Ghemor: I've missed you, Iliana. Kira: Don't call me that. It's not my name and I am not your daughter. Ghemor: I should let you rest. You will remember, in time. Until then, please, consider yourself a guest in this house. Garak: Good evening, Doctor. If you're finished here, I was wondering if you'd like to join me for a late snack. Bashir: Actually, all I want right now is a little sleep. Maybe tomorrow. Garak: I'm afraid this can't wait until tomorrow. I have very important news about Major Kira. Ghemor: In the left corner, above the window. Kira: What? Ghemor: The Obsidian Order's surveillance devices. That is what you're looking for, isn't it? Don't worry. They're not on. I'm a member of the Central Command. They're only activated at my request. I thought you might want some breakfast. I assumed you'd be used to Bajoran food by now, so I took the liberty of replicating some hasperat. Kira: I'm not hungry. Ghemor: You recognize that? It's the bone-carving you made for me when I was promoted to Legate. Kira: Your daughter was talented. Ghemor: Yes. She is. I always thought you should have been an artist. You have such a wonderful eye for detail. But you were determined to join the Order. You thought it was your duty to Cardassia. Personally, I think Cardassia could use a few more artists. Are you sure you won't try some hasperat? It's only good when it's warm. Kira: No, thank you. Ghemor: You're as stubborn as your mother. She could never do anything the easy way. You don't remember her either, do you? Kira: My mother was an icon painter from Dahkur Province. She died of malnutrition at the Singha Refugee Camp when I was three. Ghemor: Your mother was an inquisitor at the Central University. This is my fault. I never should have let you go on that mission. I could have prevented it. A well placed word here, a favor from a friend there. You never would've known. But you were so determined to go, so proud that you'd been chosen, that I didn't have the heart to stop you. Your mother never forgave me. Kira: You're good. Really good. The house, the food, the stories, it's all very convincing. But I don't believe a word of it. Ghemor: Iliana, I just want you to know I'm sorry. Garak: Commander, I've already told the good doctor everything I know. Sisko: I'd like to hear it again firsthand. Garak: This is pointless. Believe me, there's nothing you can do. If my friend is correct, and Major Kira is being held by the Obsidian Order, retrieving her would be impossible. Odo: Impossible for us, maybe, but not for you. Garak: I'm afraid you overestimate my abilities. Sisko: I hope not, because I intend to put your abilities to the test. The three of us are going to Cardassia. Garak: The three of us? You can't be serious. Commander, if I were allowed on Cardassia, do you really think I'd be living here? Sisko: Which brings up an interesting point. There are certain ministers in the Bajoran government who are concerned about your presence on this station. In fact, they want you removed. Right now, I see no alternative but to honor their request. Unless, of course, I can show them how you might be valuable to us. Odo: Rescuing Kira would go a long way toward improving your standing with the Bajoran government. Garak: Why should I care what the Bajoran government thinks of me? Sisko: I don't know. But it seems to me if someone were in trouble with the Cardassian Central Command, a Bajoran space station under Federation control might just be the safest place in the galaxy. Garak: Commander, this is extortion. Sisko: Yes. It is. We'll be traveling under false transit documents prepared by Starfleet Intelligence. Mister O'Brien has reconfigured the shield harmonics of the Defiant so that, on long-range sensors, it'll appear to be a Kobheerian freighter. We leave in three hours. Garak: I'll go along on your fool's errand, but I want one thing to be perfectly clear. I have no intention of sacrificing my life to save yours. If it looks like we're in danger of being captured, if there's any signs of trouble at all, you're on your own. Sisko: Mister Garak, I believe that's the first completely honest thing you've ever said to me. Garak: How perceptive of you, Commander. Entek: She doesn't remember anything? Ghemor: Not yet. Entek: That's unfortunate. It would've made things easier. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some questions. Ghemor: So soon? I thought she would be given time to regain her memory. Entek: She was given time. The desegranine injections should've worked by now. Memories usually begin to resurface after only a few hours. It's been two days. Ghemor: And what if the injections never work? Entek: Your daughter has some information that we need. I'm sure in time she'll see the wisdom of cooperating. So, if you'll excuse us. Ghemor: I'll be in the next room if you need me. Entek: Legate, your concerns are baseless. She's one of our own people. We have no reason to harm her. Ghemor: And I'll be nearby to remind you of that, in case you forget. Entek: As you wish, Legate. Entek: What were your duties as first officer of Deep Space Nine? Kira: I told you, the Federation runs the station. I wasn't even allowed into Ops. Entek: How many Starfleet personnel are stationed on Deep Space Nine? Kira: Thirty, forty thousand. Don't tell them I told you. Entek: That's enough. Iliana, don't you understand what's going on here? I'm trying to give you a chance. Even if you don't remember who I am, you are still one of my operatives. Now, I don't want to hurt you, but if you don't cooperate. Maybe there is a way to convince you to take what I say seriously. This is Entek. Send me exhibit S one-nine-eight-three I. Immediately. Cardassian: Yes, sir. Kira: Nothing you can show me will make any difference. Entek: Did you know that the Obsidian Order saves everything that comes into its possession? You never know what might prove useful. We have libraries of data transcripts, vaults of ancient artifacts, even Entek: Ah, here it is. Even cryogenic chambers containing biological subjects like this one here. Kira: That's impossible. Entek: I assure you, when it comes to the Obsidian Order, nothing is impossible. Kira: It's a fake, a clone, a hologram. For all I know, this whole place is a holosuite. Entek: Do you remember when you were on long-range reconnaissance in the Bestri Woods. You thought you saw a Cardassian soldier and opened fire on him. You hit your target, only to find out Kira: I killed a hara cat. Entek: A mother hara cat, who was nursing her young. Kira: How do you know that? I never told anyone that story. Entek: I know about it because we placed that story in your memories, Iliana. Just like we gave you every other memory you have. What we couldn't extract from the real Kira, we got from other prisoners or just invented ourselves. Ask yourself two things, Iliana. First, is there anything that I've said we've done that's beyond the capabilities of the Obsidian Order? I assume you know there isn't. Second, if you're not my operative, if you're not who I say you are, why would I be playing this game? Believe me, if I wanted to extract the information from you, I'd have it already. I don't want to do that. I care about you. You were one of my best students. Watch the recording, think about what I've said, because the Order won't wait much longer. Ghemor: I see you haven't forgotten all of your Obsidian Order training. Kira: Actually, I learned that in the Resistance. Ghemor: Next time you might want to leave a contact wire running between the wall and the access plate. You tripped a silent alarm when you separated them. Kira: I'll keep that in mind. I suppose if I walk out of here, you'll try to stop me. Ghemor: I don't have to. You wouldn't get half a kilometer without being detected by the Obsidian Order. Kira: Maybe I'm willing to take that chance. Ghemor: Iliana. Kira: Stop calling me that. I am not your daughter and I never was. I'm leaving. Ghemor: You'll never get off Cardassia. In the end, you'll just make things worse for yourself. I can only do so much to help you. Kira: If you want to help me, get me off this planet. I will never cooperate with the Order. Eventually, they're going to realize that, they'll interrogate me and I won't survive. Ghemor: I promise you that will never happen. I'll never allow the Order to harm you. No matter what you decide, I won't let them hurt you. I only ask one thing. Before you make your decision, I beg you, watch the recording Entek gave you. It's the only way you'll ever really know the truth. Kira: Begin playback. Iliana: Hello, Iliana. Welcome home. I've been asked to make these recordings for myself, for you, to help my memory recover when I get back. I go in for my surgery tomorrow. I'm going to miss Cardassia, but I know what I'm doing is right. The terrorism on Bajor has to be stopped. Father doesn't want me to go. Mother just looks unhappy all the time. I hope some day they'll understand. I want them to be proud of me. Sisko: How're the modifications to the shield harmonics holding up. Dax: So far, so good. Nobody here but us Kobheerians. Sisko: We're well into Cardassian space, so keep a close eye on that shield modulator. If it breaks down, we could be in for some unwelcome company. Odo: Commander, I just caught Garak snooping around the access corridor outside the main phaser banks. Garak: I was merely taking a stroll to stretch my legs. The quarters on this vessel are rather claustrophobic. Sisko: Confine him to his cabin for the rest of the trip, and post a guard at the door. Garak: Commander, I must protest. Sisko: You can protest all you like, I Dax: Benjamin, I'm detecting two Galor class warships headed this way. Sisko: What about the shield harmonics? Dax: Still holding. As far as their scanners are concerned, we should still look like a Kobheerian freighter. Garak: It's probably just a routine security check. Dax: They're hailing us. Sisko: Drop out of warp. I don't want to get too close to them. Is the communications holo-filter ready? Dax: I can make your comm. image look like a three thousand ton screech rhino if you want me to. Sisko: A Kobheerian Captain will do nicely, Lieutenant. Engage the overlay. Put them on screen. Benil: This is Gul Benil of the Eighth Order. Benil: Identify yourself. Kobheerian: This is the Kobheerian freighter Rak-Miunis. Sisko: I'm Captain Viterian. How can I help you? Benil: What is your destination? Sisko: Cardassia Prime. We're carrying a shipment of Kobheerian toranium intended for military use. Benil: Prepare to be boarded. Dax: They're headed toward us. If they get any closer, they might be able to identify us. Sisko: Gul Benil, our toranium is urgently needed on Cardassia. I would hate for you to have to explain why it was delayed. Benil: The toranium can wait. Maquis activity is on the rise in this sector. By order of the Central Command, all incoming ships are to be stopped and searched. Garak: Drop the holo-filter. Do it. I can get us out of this if you let me talk to them. Sisko: Please stand by. Are we within their weapons range yet? Dax: No. Sisko: Do as he says, but be prepared to get us out of here fast if it doesn't work. Garak: Gul Benil. Benil: You, you're not Kobheerians. Garak: Very observant of you. Now turn your ships around. Benil: Excuse me? Garak: This is an Alpha Red priority mission, clearance verification nine two one eight black. By the authority of the Central Command, you are ordered to turn your ships around. Erase all record of this encounter from your logs and talk of it to no one. Is that clear? Computer: Clearance code verified. Benil: My apologies. I had no idea. Garak: You were doing your duty. End transmission. Sisko: Mister Garak, I'm impressed. Garak: Oh, it was just something I overheard while hemming someone's trousers. I suggest that we get away from here as quickly as possible, in case Gul Benil should decide to show some initiative. Entek: All right. One more time, Iliana. What are the names of the Starfleet ships deployed along the Demilitarized zone? Kira: I don't know. Entek: That's not acceptable. As a Bajoran liaison officer, it's your duty to help coordinate Federation activity near Bajoran space. Now, what are the names of the ships deployed along the Demilitarized zone? Their names, Iliana. Give me their names. Ghemor: I think you've asked enough questions for today. Entek: Legate, you can't come in here. Ghemor: Do you presume to tell a member of the Central Command where he may and may not go in his own home? Entek: This is Obsidian Order business. Our autonomy Ghemor: Is a privilege granted by the Central Command and is revocable at any time. Don't you agree? Entek: Of course, Legate. Iliana, I'm afraid the next time we talk, it will have to be at the Order's facilities. Good day. Ghemor: Iliana, are you all right? Ghemor: Iliana? Kira: No. No! Ghemor: Iliana! Kira: No. Ghemor: It's all right. Everything will be all right. Ghemor: I'm a selfish old man. I can't keep you here any longer, no matter how much I want to. Entek will never rest until he's broken you. If he takes you to Order Headquarters. We must get you away from Cardassia. Kira: You'd do that for me? Why? Ghemor: You're my daughter, Iliana. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. Even if it means losing you again. Ghemor: Iliana? Here. For you. Kira: It's beautiful. Ghemor: It was your mother's. I want you to have it to remember her by. Kira: I can't take this. Ghemor: There's no use arguing. I can be as stubborn as you. It runs in the family. Ari: Legate? Ghemor: Iliana this is Ari. He's a friend. He's going to help get you off Cardassia. Kira: Without the Order's knowledge? How's that possible? Ghemor: I have friends who can arrange things, friends who think the same way I do. Ari: The Obsidian Order and the Central Command have been given too much power over our lives. We're going to change that. Kira: You're a dissident? Ari: Your father is a great man. He has everything any Cardassian could want, yet he's willing to risk his life for what he believes. Ghemor: People like Ari are the heroes. My position protects me. The risk is theirs. Ari: Legate, I have to get your daughter to our next contact. Ghemor: Goodbye, Iliana. I love you. Kira: Legate, I Ari: Sir, we have to go now. Kira: Wait. This is wrong. Ghemor: Please, Ari's right. Kira: No, don't you see? The fact that you're a dissident, that you're willing to help me? Now that can't be a coincidence. Ghemor: Iliana, you have to trust me. We're trying to help you Kira: Oh, no, it's Entek I don't trust. Why did he go to so much trouble changing me into a Cardassian, sending me to you? It's not me he's after. Ghemor: What are you talking about? Kira: What if the Order suspects your involvement with the dissidents? Ghemor: Impossible. I'm too well protected. They couldn't have evidence of my activities. Kira: But they could still suspect you. And without any evidence, they wouldn't dare interrogate you, would they? Ari: Central Command would never allow it. Kira: Which is why they had to make you betray yourself. Which is why they kidnapped me, because I resemble your daughter. And they knew you would never stand by and watch me be tortured. They wanted you to do this. They wanted you to try and rescue me. Entek: Very astute, Major. You couldn't have done any better if you were one of us. Ghemor: This is Ghemor. Three to beam out. Now. Entek: It won't work. We've got a transporter suppression field over this whole area. Ari: No! Entek: You don't know how long I've waited for this day. Imagine, in one bold stroke the Obsidian Order will unmask a traitor in the Central Command and shatter the entire dissident movement. And we have you to thank for it. Ghemor: The movement will survive without me. Entek: You underestimate your importance, Legate. With your help, we'll be able to purge the government of all disloyalty. The enemies of Cardassia will be destroyed. Ghemor: The enemies of the Order, you mean. Entek: The Obsidian Order is Cardassia. Ghemor: What are you doing? Entek: I think you know. Major, your testimony would make for a more dramatic trial, but I'd be willing to dispense with it if you give us any trouble. Garak: The Major is the least of your problems, Entek. Sisko: I suggest you lower your weapons. Garak: Do as he says. Now, Entek. Odo: I'll take that. Thank you. Kira: Get over with him. Entek: Garak, what are you doing here? Garak: I got homesick. I think we'd better be going. Kira: Don't worry, he's on our side. I think. Come on. Garak: Major, I don't think I've ever seen you looking so ravishing. Sisko: Are you all right? Kira: I'm fine. How did you? Garak: Suffice it to say, I still have friends on Cardassia. You will no doubt derive years of enjoyment trying to determine exactly who they are. Sisko: Legate, we have a ship waiting. From the sound of things, I think you'd better come with us. Ghemor: Yes, I think that might be wise. Entek: Garak, I don't understand. Why are you helping these people? Ghemor is a traitor, an enemy of the Order. Garak: Treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Entek: You're making a serious mistake. Up until now, the Order was satisfied to let you live in exile, but now Kira: Come on. Odo, Garak, let's go. Garak: I'd almost forgotten what a pleasure it was to be with my fellow Cardassians. And though I'd like to stay and listen to you bluster, I simply don't have the time. Garak: A pity. I rather liked him. Ghemor: So, it was all a lie? Kira: According to Doctor Bashir, my genetic structure is entirely Bajoran. The alterations were surgical. Ghemor: What about the man who said he was with you at Elemspur? Kira: Gone. Completely disappeared. We suspect he was a Cardassian agent. He's probably the one who changed the Detention Center records in the first place. Ghemor: I thought you'd be happy. Kira: I am. It's just, I still don't understand. If Iliana really was transformed into a Bajoran, then why did Entek have me kidnapped? Why not bring Iliana back instead? Ghemor: Because the desegranine would've worked on Iliana. Her memories would've returned and she would have cooperated with Entek. But they knew that you'd resist and that I'd be forced to try to get you off of Cardassia. Kira: Do you think Iliana's still alive? Ghemor: I have to. I'm her father. For all I know, she's still on Bajor, and someday I'll find her. Kira: Are you sure you don't want to stay on the station? Ghemor: There's no place for me here. The Mathenite government has offered me political sanctuary. I'll be safe there. One more thing before I leave. Can I give you some fatherly advice, for old times sake? Kira: Of course. Ghemor: That Garak fellow who helped you, helped us. Don't trust him, Nerys. Ever. He's a dangerous man and he'd betray you and all of your friends in an instant if he thought it would help him. Kira: I'll keep my eye on him. Ghemor: I suppose it's time to go. Kira: Here. Kira: It doesn't belong to me. I can't keep it. Ghemor: No. I want you to have it. You may not be my daughter, but until I find Iliana, you're the closest thing I have to family. Kira: I want you to know something. In spite of whatever I might have said, I realize now you're an honorable man. And I think your daughter must have loved you very much.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay? Kyle: You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it] Mr. Mackey: Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay? Butters: Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee. Cartman: Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again] Stan: That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you? Mr. Mackey: Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat Cartman: All right, this should keep my cat in place while he sprays the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows] Kyle: You guys are wasting your time. Stan: Yeah, this is not gonna work. Cartman: Okay, ready Kenny? Kenny: (All set.) Cartman: All right, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss into Kenny's face] Kenny: (Woah.) Kyle: Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him] Stan: Do you feel anything? Cartman: Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...] Scene Description: Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kenny motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches all overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature stabs another one through the skull, killing him Kenny: (Hey cool! Check it out!) Father: I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits. Kenny: (Yeahhh!) Father: Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds. Kenny: (Okay!) [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he begins to undress] (Woop! Woo-hoo!) Cartman: [through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right? Kenny! Kenny: (What?) [opens his eyes and looks around] (Where'd she go?) [stands up and pulls up his pants.] Cartman: Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up. You were seriously tripping balls. Kenny: (You fucking asshole!) Cartman: Agh, Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you? Kenny: [Punching Cartman] (What the fuck did you do that for?) Cartman: Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny] Kyle: Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down! Kenny: [walks away from them a bit, mad] (Aww i was so close! You should have seen her titties.) Stan: What titties? Kenny: [turns around] (The titties! Oh my god, they were incredible!) Kyle: Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering. Stan: Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes. Kenny: (I almost... touched them.) Kyle: Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore. Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch Announcer: Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's killing your kids! ["killing your kids" appears over scenes of kids falling over] Gerald: Killing our kids? [leans forward] Reporter: All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING". Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day.] Why "cheesing"? Because it's "fon to due". [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months. Girl: [in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long. Gerald: Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this! Reporter: So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, let's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now." Sheila: [now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this? Reporter: Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and an echoing meow] Gerald: We have to protect our children from this, Sheila. Scene Description: Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady Gerald: Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game", or "vitamin cheese", or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time". Cheesing is spreading fast. Sharon: [stands up] All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do? Gerald: I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park. Stephen: [stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you! Gerald: With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again! Randy: [stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald! Stephen: [stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue] Scene Description: The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Some agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. Craig Tucker's sister in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands Tricia: No! No! Agent 1: Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat] Man: Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into his left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away] Scene Description: Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there Agent 2: Got two here. Kenny: (Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!) Agent 1: Sorry, these are illegal. Kenny: (What?! No! What are you doing?!) [the agents toss the cats into the van] (You fuckers!) [the van drives off.] Scene Description: Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room Cartman: Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them. Kyle: Guys, have you seen Kenny? Stan: Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today. Kyle: Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing. Butters: Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is. Stan: Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed. Cartman: Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously] Kyle: Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now. Scene Description: Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the large-breasted woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and launches it. It strikes the middle mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, killing him. The other two run away. Kenny runs to the woman, and she smiles at him. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs resting on Kenny's head Kenny: (Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!) Scene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door. Kyle: Kenny? [pounds three more times] Stan: Kenny, you home? [Kenny yells some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them.] Kenny: [really high] (Wooooooohoohoo! Woo! Wazzup? Wazzup?) [one cat runs out] Kyle: Kenny! Kenny: [still cheering and making flying motions] (Victory! Ho-Ho! Wooooooo!) Butters: Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor] Stan, Kyle: Kenny! Scene Description: Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup of coffee and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby Butters: There you go. Well, try some coffee, Ken. Kenny: [groans] Kyle: Kenny, we need to have a serious talk. Kenny: (No we don't, guys.) Stan: Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life. Kenny: (I'm not ruining my life, okay? Will you guys just back the fuck off?) Kyle: Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.] Butters: Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out. Stan: Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you. Kenny: [exhausted] (Ugh, okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.) Butters: Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy? Kyle: [grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him. Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him. The cat meows again Cartman: [sits up] Mr. Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows a 3rd time] Damn it! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window and sees a cat, it meows] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms] I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstairs, closing the door behind him] Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora Cartman: [whispers and motions] All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him sadly, one of them meows] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman, Cartman starts to have tears in his eyes] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves] Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with folded clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs Sheila: Huh? [removes the clothes hiding the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.] Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please? Kyle: [walks up to them] Yeah? Gerald: Kyle, have you been getting high?! Kyle: [shrugs] No. Gerald: Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?! Kyle: [holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend. Sheila: [pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle! Gerald: How long have you been on the cheese?! Kyle: I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life. Gerald: Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this! Kyle: Dad, will you just listen to me for a second? Gerald: Now, Kyle! Kyle: God! [goes upstairs] Sheila: Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict! Gerald: First thing is we've gotta dispose of this! Sheila: What are you gonna do? Gerald: I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off] Scene Description: The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat. Gerald: [showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues down the steps] I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [approaches a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused] Scene Description: Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 bomber called Jewish Princess. He lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and is greeted by the large-breasted woman Gerald: I couldn't stay away. Curse your rockin' tits! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it. Cartman: Who is it?! Woman: [with a foreign accent] Please! Open the door. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats. Cartman: [quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room] Woman: [enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka, [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go. Cartman: Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another. Woman: But they will find her. Cartman: I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more... Woman: [hands him Nishka, Cartman takes Nishka and pets her] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman joins her] Scene Description: Cartman's attic, or secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something catches his attention Cartman: What the hell? [Kenny has somehow found the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are covered with concentrated piss. He grabs another cat and cheeses some more] Kenny, get out of here! Kenny: (Woooooh! Woooooh!) [Kenny dances out of the attic] Cartman: Aw, crap- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops temporarily] Bad. Kitties. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings Kyle: Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [leaves his room and opens the front door] Stan: Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is really messed up. Cartman: He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude. Kyle: [quizzically] What? Stan: He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic. Kyle: What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?! Cartman: They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Stan opens his mouth in shock, Kyle looks angrily at Cartman] Stan: Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself. Kyle: I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad? Scene Description: The huge Steamline building the large-breasted woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in. Gerald: Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain. They both start undressing.] Father: Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage! Gerald: Huh... how come? Father: There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view] Gerald: What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid! Kenny: (No, fuck you! She's my girl!) Gerald: You're too young for this stuff! Father: This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hides her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts] Scene Description: The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts Father: Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.] Scene Description: The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other. Scene Description: A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald Kyle: Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?! Jimbo: They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes. Gerald: She's mine, you little asshole! Kenny: (Get the fuck off of me!) Sheila: [arriving] Gerald?! Scene Description: A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by Reporter: The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement. Gerald: I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife. Sheila: Don't touch me. Gerald: And to the people of South Park. [a shot of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain. Stan: [puzzled] What the hell is he talking about? Kyle: [eyes closed] I have no idea. Gerald: And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real. Randy: And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.] Gerald: Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again] Kenny: (Yeah. I guess so.) Gerald: Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at- Stephen: [cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald. Gerald: The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald! [crowd remains silent] Scene Description: South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and gives Scrambles back to his family Girl 2's father: Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles hisses, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around] Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away] Kenny: (Me too.) Cartman: But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [Kyle stops] Kyle: [cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history? Cartman: [strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle. Stan: You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life. Kyle: Yeah. [Kenny begins to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny begins to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.] Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life. Kyle: [runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny falls in Kyle's arms, goes into spasms, and then freezes, his eyes unfocused] Stan: What the hell kind of flowers are those? Kyle: Kenny? Kenny?! Scene Description: Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the large-breasted woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts. Kenny: [dances in time with the music, then gazes up at the woman's bouncing boobs] (Woo-hoo-hoo!) Scene Description: The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel? Monica Geller: 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting. Rachel Green: Ok honey, you really need a job. Ross Geller: Mon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview. Monica Geller: Really. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there. Ross Geller: On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh. Phoebe Buffay: No, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name. Everyone: Ahh. Phoebe Buffay: And they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with spinning chicken. Monica Geller: His indian name? Phoebe Buffay: No because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so. Ross Geller: Freakish. Monica Geller: Wow. Joey Tribbiani: Freaky. Monica Geller: Weird, weird. Rachel Green: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him. Monica Geller: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist. Chandler Bing: Man, I am so beat. Ross Geller: Oh yeah. Chandler Bing: Hey, you just wanna forget about raquetball and hang out here? Ross Geller: Yeah alright. Big Bully: Hey you're in our seats. Ross Geller: Oh, sorry we didn't know. Little Bully: Hey, we were sitting there. Chandler Bing: Ok, there is one more way to say it, who knows it? Little Bully: Is that supposed to be funny? Chandler Bing: No actually, I was just going for colorful. Big Bully: What's with this guy? Little Bully: What's with you? Ross Geller: Uh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee. Chandler Bing: What just happened? Little Bully: I just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat. Chandler Bing: That, that is funny. Can I have it back? Little Bully: No. Chandler Bing: No? Big Bully: No. Ross Geller: Ok, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guy just, just give him back the hat. Big Bully: Why should we? Ross Geller: Because it's a special hat. See he bought it 'cause he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, ya know. Now Chandler... Chandler Bing: Stop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat? Big Bully: You got a problem with that? Chandler Bing: No, just wanna make sure we're on the same page. Rachel Green: Hey, how'd the interview go? Monica Geller: It bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean I was a chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries? Rachel Green: So don't do it. Monica Geller: How can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank. Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer. Monica Geller: I don't want a beer. Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you? Rachel Green: What's the matter with you? Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat. Rachel Green: Noo. Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, ya know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore. Rachel Green: Oohhh. Ross Geller: Hi. Rachel Green: Hi. Chandler Bing: Ohhh Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back. Chandler Bing: Na, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now. Monica Geller: Hey, I went up. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: My stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. Ya know what, I'm gonna do it. Joey Tribbiani: Do what? Monica Geller: Put all my money in me. Rachel Green: Monica, what are you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market. Monica Geller: What's to know? Buy sell, high low, bears bulls... Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store. Joey Tribbiani: See, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea? Phoebe Buffay: Oh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'. Rachel Green: We love you, we're here for you. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah good luck, good luck. Phoebe Buffay: Thanks. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich? Rachel Green: Ohh, what is in that? Joey Tribbiani: Olive loaf and ham spread, no mayo. Rachel Green: No no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, hey, no, oh oh. Rachel Green: Run Phoebe run. Phoebe Buffay: No no no, doggie please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no. Joey Tribbiani: Get him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone? Rachel Green: Are you kidding me? Phoebe Buffay: Look kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. Ok, alright, we have a problem. Joey Tribbiani: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline. Rachel Green: Ok, here, I know what we can do. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, hey, hey no. Rachel Green: Ok, doggie get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggie. Good doggie get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say? Joey Tribbiani: Well if he's not gonna eat it, I will. Phoebe Buffay: Are you crazy? Joey Tribbiani: Phoebs, he's just a little dog. Ahhh. Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Do you have to be a Century 21 real-estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets? Ross Geller: Do you say this stuff to girls? Big Bully: Hehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat? Little Bully: And look where they're sitting. Ross Geller: You're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door. Big Bully: Maybe we didn't make it clear enough. Little Bully: Yeah. Big Bully: This couch belongs to us. Chandler Bing: Alright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to. Big Bully: You know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here. Ross Geller: Alright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright. Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat. Gunther: Fellas, these guys were here first. Big Bully: Oh, sorry, I didn't realize. Little Bully: Sorry. Gunther: There you go. Ross Geller: Thank you Gunther. We didn't want to have to go and do that. Little Bully: He told on us? Big Bully: You told on us? Ross Geller: Well pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. Chandler Bing: Don't play with his things. Ross Geller: I know. Big Bully: Alright, let's take this outside. Ross Geller: Let's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that? Big Bully: The guy that's about to kick your ass talks like that. Chandler Bing: You had to ask. Ross Geller: Yeah. Ross Geller: Ok, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys. Little Bully: Well then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again. Chandler Bing: I think you played the Gunther card too soon. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoeb's, I think you're good to go. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I don't know. Rachel Green: What's the matter? Phoebe Buffay: I just think that this was a really bad sign, ya know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just like, I have no family left, ya know. I mean except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father and I just, I want things to be like just right. Rachel Green: Yeah Phoebe, I completely understand. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, thanks. Sorry, again Phoebe Buffay: What was that? Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now. Monica Geller: I wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. C'mon time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo. Rachel Green: Time is money my friend? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your wall street butt.' Monica Geller: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done? Joey Tribbiani: Well uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50. Rachel Green: How did you make $17. Monica Geller: Well, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY. Joey Tribbiani: How come those? Monica Geller: Well, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy. Rachel Green: What happened to uh, MEG.? Monica Geller: MEG was good for me but I dumped her. Ya know, my motto is get out before they go down. Joey Tribbiani: That is so not my motto. Phoebe Buffay: Hey. Rachel Green: Hey Phoebs. Oh hey, how's the dog? Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I talked to the vet, people are so nice upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow. Joey Tribbiani: Good. Rachel Green: Oh, thank God. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping. Rachel Green: Ok, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok? Phoebe Buffay: I, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.' Joey Tribbiani: Hey Phoebs, if you want, I'll do it. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. Monica Geller: DON'T...be too long with the phone. Rachel Green: She'll be a much better friend when the market closes. Joey Tribbiani: It's a woman. Phoebe Buffay: So talk to her. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. Rachel Green: Why the voice. Joey Tribbiani: Hard to say. Chandler Bing: Your cappucino sir. Ross Geller: Thank you. Chandler Bing: Ya know I think this is much better than the coffee house. Ross Geller: Absolutely. Ross Geller: How come it's not mixing with the water? Chandler Bing: Well the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my neice's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright. No problem, Joey's there. Chandler Bing: Ok. Ross Geller: No. Chandler Bing: No? Ross Geller: No. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna descent cup of coffee. Ya know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappucino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys. Chandler Bing: Alright, hang on a second there Custer. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross Geller: Yeah, sure. Joey Tribbiani: By someone besides Monica? Ross Geller: No. So what. So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. Ya know, like a, like a right of passage or somethin'. Chandler Bing: Well, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Ya know, because I think actually mine's growing back. Monica Geller: I need to borrow a hundred bucks. Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: Hi, welcome home. I need to borrow a hundred bucks. Rachel Green: For what? Monica Geller: I've gotta get back in the game. Rachel Green: Why, when did you get out of the game? Monica Geller: I don't know, I lost it all ok. I lost it. Rachel Green: Oh no. Monica Geller: Hey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too. Rachel Green: Ok. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry. Monica Geller: Yeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks? Rachel Green: I, I don't have it. Monica Geller: But I need it. Otherwords I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs. Rachel Green: Nobody does honey. Phoebe Buffay: Hi. Mrs. Buffay: Schnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog? Phoebe Buffay: It was an accident, and, and the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian. Mrs. Buffay: What are these, stitches? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, eight of them. That's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast. Mrs. Buffay: Yeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him. Phoebe Buffay: Sure, oh, is, is Frank home. Mrs. Buffay: How do you know Frank? Phoebe Buffay: Just from a, from a long time ago. Is he here? Mrs. Buffay: Yeah. Frank. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. What? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior. Mrs. Buffay: He went out for groceries. Phoebe Buffay: Ok so will he be back soon? Mrs. Buffay: Well he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now. Phoebe Buffay: Alright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry about the dog, everything. I'm sorry. Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad? Phoebe Buffay: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too. Frank Buffay Jr.: Heavy. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe? Frank Buffay Jr.: No but he didn't really talk about anything. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Frank Buffay Jr.: Except stilts. Phoebe Buffay: Stilts? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts. Phoebe Buffay: Wow. Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: I don't know what to do with that. Frank Buffay Jr.: Me neither. So you're like my big sister. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Frank Buffay Jr.: This is huge, you can buy me beer. Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.' Frank Buffay Jr.: I gotta friend named Mark. Phoebe Buffay: That'll work too. Frank Buffay Jr.: Cool, alright. So maybe, ya know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or somethin'. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, that'd be ok. Frank Buffay Jr.: Alright. Phoebe Buffay: Ok, I'm in the book. Frank Buffay Jr.: Ok, yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Alright. So um, stilts huh? Frank Buffay Jr.: Yeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter. Phoebe Buffay: Ok. Ross Geller: Well we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take? Chandler Bing: Would you come on! Come on! Thank you. Chandler Bing: Ah, there we go. Ross Geller: I think we proved our point. Chandler Bing: You burn your mouth? Ross Geller: Cannot feel my tounge. Chandler Bing: Bullies, big bullies. Little Bully: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies. Big Bully: Did we not make ourselves clear the other day. Ross Geller: Yes, and that's why we're here. Chandler Bing: Yes, we're standing out ground...apparently. Little Bully: Let's do this alright. Ross Geller: Woah, ho-ho, whad'ya got there, a weapon? Little Bully: It's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs. Chandler Bing: Alright, let's do this. Little Bully: Alright. Chandler Bing: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon? Ross Geller: Whad'ya mean? Chandler Bing: Well, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it. Big Bully: No, you can't use your watch. Chandler Bing: Ok. Big Bully: Or your keys. Chandler Bing: Ok. Little Bully: Look, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. Alright, c'mon man, let's do this. Ross Geller: Before I forget, are we hitting faces? Big Bully: Of course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces? Ross Geller: Well because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation. Little Bully: Actually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea. Big Bully: Ok, nothing from the neck up. Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating. Little Bully: Oh really, you guys tryin' again? Big Bully: Yeah. Chandler Bing: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle? Big Bully: C'MON! Ross Geller: Hey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standin here, huh. Chandler Bing: Hey, hey, those guys are takin our stuff! Ross Geller: Hey. Big Bully: Hey. Ross Geller: God, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt. Little Bully: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy. Ross Geller: Yeah he was wasn't he. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything. Big Bully: Don't do that to yourself. Any one of us could have tripped over that little girls jump-rope. Ross Geller: So, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here? Little Bully: We're ok. Ross Geller: Alright. Chandler Bing: Ok so, can I have my hat back? Little Bully: No. Chandler Bing: Huh. Rachel Green: Look at her. Chandler Bing: Hi Monica. Joey Tribbiani: He-he-he, how's it goin'? Phoebe Buffay: Hey nice boobs. Chandler Bing: Guys guys, check this out. Joey Tribbiani: Excellent.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children are rowdy. Mr. Garrison: [entering] Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. [the class is now seated] The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I will be let go and never allowed to teach you again. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Stanley? Stan: That's okay with us. Kyle: Yeah. Clyde: Yeah, we don't care. Cartman: Yeah, that's fine. Mr. Garrison: No it isn't, it makes you very sad! Now, apparently, the school board thinks that I don't teach you anything about current events, so tomorrow they're going to have you do presentations for the whole board. Class: Aawwww! [heads drop] Mr. Garrison: [writes on the board] "Current Events in South Park". Now, I want you all to read a newspaper, or better yet, watch television, and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on. Class: Aawwww! [heads drop. Cartman is certainly vocal about it.] Mr. Garrison: Now, this'll be a group project, so I'm going to place you all into groups of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token, you'll be Group 1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, a-and, and Tweek. Tweek Tweak: [disheveled and really tweaked] AAAghah heheh. Stan: [laments] Oh, not Tweek. Kyle: We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek. Mr. Garrison: There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I bet he'll do a great job in your group. Tweek Tweak: I can't take that kind of pressure. No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease! Stan: Dude, we can't work with this kid. Tweek: Yuh-ugh! Mr. Garrison: That's what Chad Everett thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center. He thought, "Who is this woman with her gazungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine?" Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So, you see? [silence] Stan: No. Mr. Garrison: Well, let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up! Tweek: Wagh! Scene Description: South Park, downtown. Off to the right of Tom's Rhinoplasty is a coffee store: Tweek Bros. A businessman walks in with briefcase. Richard Tweak: Hello there, customer. Customer: Hello. How are you today? Richard: Great. What can I get for you? Large coffee, small coffee? [motions to the menu] Customer: I'm actually interested in something else. I'm John Postum from the Harbucks Coffee Corporation... Richard: Oh, you're that corporate guy who's been calling. Postum: That's right. How come you don't call me back? All we wanna do is buy out your coffee shop here. Richard: Oh, forget it, my store is not for sale. Postum: My company's prepared to make you a veerry generous offer. [lifts the briefcase and opens it. It's empty, but he elaborates] This is a Cramsonite briefcase. All leather, it has four compartments and a keyless lock. Interested? Richard: Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me. Postum: Well, all right. [closes the briefcase and lifts up two money bag] How about $500,000? Richard: The answer is still no, Mr. Postum. You see, when my father opened this store 30 years ago, he cared about only one thing: making a great cup of coffee. [moves to his left, towards a backdrop containing lovely rolling hills and a rainbow. A soothing acoustic tune comes up] Sure, we may take a little longer to brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy names, but I guess we just care a little more. [a cart of beans rolls up to him] And that's why Tweek Coffee is still home-brewed from the finest beans we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is a simpler cup, for a simpler America. Postum: Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you. Richard: [protesting] But that could put me out of business. Postum: Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal! Get used to it! Scene Description: Postum leaves. Officer Barbrady enters. Barbrady: [sees Postum leaving] Hello, Mr. Tweek. Richard: Hi, Officer Barbrady. Barbrady: Who was that? Richard: Oh, just some dong. What can I get for you. Officer Barbrady: The usual. Scene Description: Richard pulls out a brown cat from behind the counter and slaps him with it. Scene Description: Barbrady leaves as he closes the door. Richard: Bye-bye. Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class is now in groups of five. Tweek is still wired. Stan: Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so- Tweek: [twitching and closing his right eye] AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn. Aaarrrhaharn. Stan: Sooo, let's figure out what to do it about. Scene Description: Shots of Kyle, Kenny, then Cartman. Cartman: How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond. Kyle: [angry] No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again! It has to be on a current event in South Park. Tweek, do you have any ideas? Scene Description: Stan gets alarmed. Tweek: Uuurrnnn, too much pressure! Stan: Great. A lot of help you are, kid. Tweek: The gnomes! Stan: What? Tweek: [gritting his teeth] We can do our report on the gnomes. Stan: What gnomes? Tweek: The underpants gnomes. The little guys that, that come into your room late, late at night and steal your underpants. Scene Description: Shots of Kyle, Stan, then Cartman looking at Tweek. Cartman: Oh, so that's where all my underpants go. Kyle: Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Stan: Yeah, I've never seen any underpants gnomes. Tweek: They come out at 3:30 in the morning. Most people aren't up then, but I am. I can't sleep. Ever. Kyle: Dude, we can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will fail us because you're making it up. Tweek: No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll prove it to you. Scene Description: The Tweak house that night. Richard Tweak and his wife are in the kitchen. They have three coffeemakers going on at once. Coffee mugs are everywhere. Richard: They want me to sell the store, and it's so much money. Mrs. Tweak: Some things are more important than money. [turns around] The people of South Park count on you to give them that first cup of coffee every day. Richard: I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next door, we might go out of business. They really have my balls in a vice grip. Scene Description: Tweek and the boys enter. Mrs. Tweak: Oh, hello, son. How was your day? Tweek: UUuuUunh! Mrs. Tweek: That's good. Who are your little friends? Tweek: What do you mean?! Kyle: We're his oral report buddies. Stan: Yeah, we have to stay up all night to write it. Mrs. Tweak: Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew up another pot for later. Scene Description: The boys each take a cup. Kyle: Coffee? I don't think I like coffee. Mrs. Tweak: Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh. Richard: [waxing prosaic] Country fresh, like the morning after a rainstorm. Stan: 'Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out what to do our report on. We have to present it to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow. Richard: Oh. I've got one for you. How about doing a report on how large corporations take over little family-owned businesses? Mrs. Tweak: Richard! Richard: No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America. You see, I own a coffee shop and now a great, big, multi-million dollar company is going to move in and try to take all my business, which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery. Tweek: Mwaaah! Slavery? Richard: Yes, slavery. Stan: [to Tweek] Wow, that sucks, dude. Richard: They really have my balls in a salad shooter. Kyle: We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes. Stan: Yeah. Mrs. Tweak: Now, Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you? Your underpants are missing because you lose them, not because of underpants gnomes. Tweek: Uunnnnhh! Kyle: Come on, you guys! We better get to work! Scene Description: Tweek and the boys leave the kitchen. Richard: Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject. Mrs. Tweak: Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year olds. Richard: Actually, honey, I think those little tykes are just what we need. I've got an idea. Scene Description: Later that night, in Tweek's room, the boys sip their coffee. Kyle: Man, this stuff is strong. Stan: Kind of bitter. Tweek: [in a corner of the room, scared] What if my parents go out of business? Uh what'll I do? Kyle: [going to him] Don't worry about it. Tweek: But we'll starve and die like dogs. Cartman: Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny? Kenny: (Fuck you!) Cartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny. Kyle: Well, let's just try to finish all this coffee, so we can stay up. Scene Description: Still later: 10:08p.m.. The boys are hyperactive. Stan: Aooooo! Kyle: Woohoo! Kenny: (Let me try! Let me try!) Stan: Yeess, this stuff rocks! Kyle: Totally, dudes! I feel awesome! Stan: [running] Whoopee! Scene Description: Kenny jumps high enough to knock down the bedside lamp. The shade goes to the floor. 10:09 p.m. Cartman: [running around the rim of a throw rug like an Olympian] You guys! You guys! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that. Kyle: Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this stuff? Tweek: I just have grounds. Kyle: Killer!! [goes for it and eats it raw] Cartman: [rushing up] Ey, let me have some grounds. [take some, swallows, and throws up] Kyle: Gross, Cartman. Whoopee! Scene Description: 10:15 p.m. gives way to 3:26 a.m., which finds the boys sitting against the bed. Tweek is on it, and Cartman is passed out next to the toys, surrounded by pools of vomit. Kenny looks sleepy. Kyle: Hogh, my stomach hurts. Stan: Yeah, mine too. I wonder why. Kyle: [peeved] Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned underpants gnomes, Tweek. Tweek: Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh no I'm going insane! Stan: [cross] Well, this is just great! We haven't gotten anything done, and we're totally screwed! Richard: [checking] How's the report going, boys? Stan: Bad! Richard: Oh, do you need some more coffee? Boys: Eugh. Cartman: No...more...coffee. Blech. [the vomit falls back on him and on the ground] Richard: Well, boys, uh. I don't mean to pry, but, if you want it, I wrote your report for you. All: [suddenly bright] You did?! Richard: Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers. Of course, you don't have to use it. Stan: [goes with Kyle to get it] No, we'll use it. Richard: Alright. [Kyle takes it] And it can be our little secret about who wrote it, right? Scene Description: Tweek begins to hear some elfin music: "Time to go to work," Kyle: Sure. ["work all night"] Richard: Now, when you give the report, [Tweek gasps and points] just make sure that you read this part first, okay? [the gnomes open the door and enter:"Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"] Tweek: There they are! Richard: [A gnome goes for Tweek's bottom drawer, opens it, and takes out some underpants."Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"]And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade for it. Tweek: ["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!"]You guys, look! Look! You're missing it![the gnomes take off with two pairs of underpants:"We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!"] Tweek: Arrgghh! They took them again! Kyle: [to Richard] Thanks, dude. Richard: My pleasure. G'night, boys. Stan: Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks! Tweek: Why do they torture me like this?! Why can't they leave me alone?! Kyle: Damnit! What the hell is wrong with you, Tweek?! Tweek: They took my underpants again! Soon they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the next day. The five-member South Park committee listens as Tweek's group speaks. Kyle: [haltingly] "And as the voluminous corporate automaton bulldozes its way through bantam America... Cartman: [steps forward] What will become of the endeavoring American family?" Mr. Garrison: [off to one side, notices the lack of fluency] I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat. Stan: Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine. Tweek: [throbs] Uurrgh! Kyle: And that's our report, I guess. Mr. Garrison: Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't even- Lady Member: Great job! Mr. Garrison: [falling in] Yes, great job. Lady Member: Boys, you have really opened our eyes. We didn't even know this was happening. Cartman: Neither did we. Lady Member: Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we were wrong about you. You really are teaching these kids something. Mr. Garrison: Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so. Lady Member: Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow these boys's cause. Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers! [the members stand] Lead the way, boys! Stan: Huh?? Tweek: Uunh, it's too much pressure! Scene Description: Harbucks is going up. Postum: [directing] Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign is really bright and flashy now. Mrs. Tweak: My goodness. That's going to be a huge coffee house, honey. Richard: Yes, it is. [places his hand over his groin] They really have my balls in a juice maker. [removes it as the boys stop by] Oh, hello, son, uh. How did your report go? Tweek: Waagh! Kyle: I think it went really good. Those people really got into it. Richard: Really?? Well, son, you might have just saved the family business. What do you have to say about that? Tweek: I need coffee. Richard: I know how you boys feel. [walks to a cup on a stump] Sometimes a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is just what a man needs to get him through the day. That smooth aroma and mild taste is what make Tweek coffee... [picks up the cup and places his left foot on the stump, right hand on his hip] uh very special. Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A light rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon or a hug from your dear old aunt- [a chorus is heard]. Tweek: Dad! Richard: What? Tweek: The metaphors, man! Richard: Oh, sorry. Here you go. [hands him the cup] Kyle: Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't give your son coffee? Mrs. Tweak: Liike, how do you mean? Kyle: Like look at him. He's always shaking and nervous. Tweek: Agghh! Mrs. Tweak: [holding a bag of Tweekers BLEND] Oh, that. He has ADD, attention deficit disorder. That's why he's so jittery all the time. Scene Description: The town commitee arrives. Lady Member: Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard. Richard: Oh, hello committee members. What a surprise. Lady Member: So, this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map. [Harbucks, with four tables on the roof] Richard: Yes. How did you hear? Lady Member 2: These boys did an excellent report for us this morning. They're so upset by this whole thing. Kyle: My butt hurts. Lady Member: Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee is not going to let you be run out of business by these bastards! Do you hear that? You're not gonna get away with this, you whore! Postum: Excuse me?! Lady Member 2: Boys, we've talked it over, and we want you to take your case to the mayor! Stan: Our case? Tweek: Uuhhh, no way, man! That is way too much pressure! Richard: [dismissing his son's apprehension] Oh, you'll do fine, son. Lady Member 2: Come on, boys! Let's go! Cartman: [pissed] Aw, man, this sucks! Scene Description: The boys begin to walk with the town committee. Tweek: [fretting] Aaarrrnnn! Scene Description: City Hall. Mr. Garrison is present with the boys and the town committee. Lady Member: ...And we would have never even known that this was happening if not for these boys' excellent report. Mayor: You're telling me that students from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something that had some kind of relevance to the world? Lady Member: That's right. Scene Description: Garrison is shown. Mayor: Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet? Lady Member: Yes! Mayor: Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy as I always tell people you are. Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound like a dickhole, but I- Lady Member: Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks coffee shut down right now! Male Member: Yeah! Lady Member 2: Yeah! Mayor: Well, I can't just shut them down, this is a free country. Lady Member: But they're ruining our city! Mayor: Look, the best I can do is create a proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10. The town can vote on it, and if it passes, we'll see what we can do. Blond Member: Hooray! The Other Members: Hooray! Lady Member: [ecstatic] What do you say, boys? We're gonna pass a law! Stan: Uh... Hooray. Mayor: So I guess you wanna do some campaigning. [Tweek hears the gnomes coming] You can do commercials and things like that, and then we'll have a vote in the middle of town. And obviously, if more than 50% of the people even show up...["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum dayTime to go to work, work all night" The gnomes go up to Johnson and pull his underpants out] Tweek: Wagh! Mayor: ["Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have..." A gnome tosses the underpants to two others, who carry it away over their heads. They all leave]...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So, good luck to you. [the town committee leaves] Tweek: Didn't you see them!? Mayor: Alright, what's next. Ted: Next is issue 37D, missing underpants. [hands the issue to her] Johnson: Is it cold in here? Mr. Garrison: Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and that with you? Boys, I don't know who wrote that report, but now that you've convinced everybody, you'd better stick with it. 'Cause if these people find out you didn't really write that paper, and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat is gonna do horrible things to you. [pretends Mr. Hat is saying something to him] Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's really horrible! Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys. Tweek: Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?! Scene Description: South Park Town Hall Meeting. Host: Live, it's the South Park Town Hall Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's topic: Prop. 10. Scene Description: The audience claps. Mediator: Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park? That's tonight's topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed boys from Middle America. [shot of the boys] On my right, a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from New York. Audience: Boo! Postum: Hey, I'm not fat or smelly! Mediator: All right, Mr. Douchebag. Postum: Postum! Mediator: Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assface. Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument. Audience: Boo! Postum: My argument is simple. This country's founded on free enterprise. Harbucks is an organization that- Audience: Hhssssssss! Postum: An organization that prides itself on great coffee! We simply want tuh- Oh, to hell with you! Mediator: [the hissing stops] Okay, ucka-fay. Now for the other side of the argument we turn to our young, handsome lads. [the boys stay silent] Boys, your thoughts. [Tweek twitches] Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's your principal argument? Scene Description: Nothing. A stern Mr. Garrison crosses his arms. Kyle: Uh... Stan: Uh... Cartman: This guy sucks ass! Audience: Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Mediator: Great argument! You win, boys! Postum: What?! Mr. Garrison: [softly, relieved] That was close, Mr. Hat. Scene Description: The boys' first commercial, beginning with an American flag waving, filling the screen. Voice-over: What is the future of America? Is it the money we make? [a $1 bill] The quests we conquer? [the Moon shot] No, it's children. [head shots of Tweek and the boys] So what do children have to say about Prop. 10? Kyle: [screen right to screen left] I don't like big corporations. Stan: [rising from the bottom] I like small businesses. Cartman: [screen left to screen right] I believe in the family-owned enterprise. Kenny: [dropping from the top] (In my family, it's a silly enterprise.) Tweek: [screen right to screen left] Aarrgghh! Voice-over: It's time to stop large corporations. Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. You don't hate... children... do you? Remember, keep American business small, or else. [the kids' heads combust and only their skulls are left in flames, with charred caps.] Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever. Scene Description: The TV clicks off, and everyone is in the studio. Lady Member: Well, what do you think? Richard: Wow, it it's great! Lady Member: [confidently] Yes, it is. We'll put it on the air immediately. Richard: What do you think, hon? [she crosses her arms and moves away him. He follows] Hon? What's the matter? Scene Description: Mrs. Tweak turns to him. Mrs. Tweak: I have a big problem with this. Richard: What do you mean? Mrs. Tweak: We are just using those boys for our benefit. They have no idea what they're saying. Richard: But, kids are great to get people on our side. Mrs. Tweak: You don't just throw a child in a political commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't be a part of this anymore. [walks out the door] Richard: Honey, all's fair in love and war. [softly] And coffee. Hon? Hu-hon? Scene Description: Harbucks' grand opening. Protesters arrive. Lady Protester: Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City! Crowd: Yeah!! Blonde Protester: It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA! Scene Description: Postum looks out through the window. Crowd: That's right! Yeah! Lady Protester: How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee, huh?! Crowd: [after a pause] Yeah!! Postum: [inside] Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee! I'll have to try and appeal to the younger crowd. Scene Description: Later. The crowd now marches in front of Harbucks. To the right, Harbucks' mascot, wearing a fez, holds a tray of coffee cups topped with whipped cream before a boy. Postum: [the man in the camel] Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious, and it makes you feel super! [a small boy is listening] I have a surprise for you: the new Kiddicino from Harbucks; more sugar and all the other goodies kids like with all the caffeine of a normal double latte. Scene Description: The kid reaches for one. Kid's Mom: [rushing up] No Billy, no coffee for you. [to Camel Joe] You should be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons to push caffeine on children! Postum: [rips off the helmet] Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from, lady?! Richard: [intervening] Uh, Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got a lot to learn about making coffee. Postum: Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old moldy diarrhea! Richard: Uh, I'm sorry to inform you that this town is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown out of town. Postum: What?! Richard: At five o'clock, the best coffee wins. Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm cup of... Tweek's coffee. [brings out a bag of Tweekers BLEND, then hugs it] Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age, you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day. [turns and walks away] Mayor: [arriving with her aides] Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll set up ballot booths... here. [between the two coffee shops] All right, men, we'll throw up the stage here. Before the vote we'll get a band everyone likes, like uhhhh, like... Johnson: Toto. Mayor: Like Toto. And then the Harbucks guy will have five minutes to speak and the boys will have five minutes to speak, and then the town votes. Mr. Garrison: [standing with the boys in front of Tweek Bros.] Uh, boys, you better get your asses to work. Cartman: What now? Mr. Garrison: They're expecting you to give a big speech on corporate takeovers, and this time it has to last five minutes. Kyle: Oh, God, when is this gonna end? Stan: Your dad really screwed us, Tweek! Tweek: Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this! I'm to blame for everything! Scene Description: Tweek's house that night, Tweek's room. Tweek is on the floor and the others are on his bed. Kyle: So what are we gonna say? Cartman: Why can't we just read the paper we wrote last time? Stan: 'Cause then they'll know we didn't write it, dummy! We have to be original! Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations? [the gnomes return, and Tweek gasps. The door opens and the gnomes enter, singing their theme:"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"] Tweek: ["We won't stop"] Waagh! Cartman: ["until we have underpants"] I think my mom is a corporation. Stan: ["Yum tum yummy tum day!"] Yeah, that makes sense. Tweek: You guys! Sshhhh! ["Time to go to work"] Kyle: Well, how about we just say, "corporates should be stopped"?["work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"] Stan: How do we stretch that into five minutes? Tweek: They're taking my underpants!["We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"] Kyle: [looking down] Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Tweek?! We have to work here! ["Time to go to work"] Tweek: [points at the gnomes] Aaaggghhh! ["work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"They open the bottom drawer and go for the underpants] Stan: What the hell? ["We won't stop"] Cartman: ["until we have underpants"] Well, I'll be damned. Tweek: ["Yum tum yummy tum day!"] That's my last pair of underpants! ["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey..." The gnomes go for the door, and the boys hop off the bed to follow. One gnome stops and faces the boys] Kyle: Sshh, don't scare him. Stan: Hey there, little guy. Cartman: Bad! [whacks the gnome with a stick] Kyle: Cartman! Cartman: What?! Kyle: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?! Cartman: Well, look at him. He's all, you know, uh l-look at him. [whacks him again] Gnome: Is that all you've got, pussy? Cartman: What?! [advances] Stan: Hey, he talks! Cartman: Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy, you're a pussy! Gnome: You're a pussy, pussy! Cartman: Ey! Stan: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants? Kyle: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid. Tweek: Waggh. Gnome: Stealing underpants big business. Stan: Business? Wait, do you know anything about business? Gnome: Sure, that's what gnomes do. Kyle: Show us. Gnome: O-kay. Follow me. [goes for the door] Cartman: [muttering] Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy, pussy gnome. Scene Description: The woods. The gnome leads them on to his cave. Gnome: Not much longer now. Cartman: Oh, are you gonna take us to your little pussy house? Gnome: No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village. Cartman: Oh, your pussy village? Stan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us? Gnome: [reaches a tree, knocks on its base and a door opens] Follow me. Cartman: [the boys look at him] I hope we're not wasting our time with this little pecker. Scene Description: Starbucks, early morn. Workers put on the finishing touches to the coffee store. Postum: Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town. [turns around] All right, boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin' out of town. Worker 1: Aw, but we just finished. Postum: I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here. Worker 2: But what will become of us? Postum: Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez. Jesus Christ! Scene Description: Underground. The boys are still following the gnome. Stan: Damn, dude, this place is huge! Scene Description: Before them is a pile of underpants as tall as a man. Some of them are colored. Kyle: Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's ass. Cartman: [exhales] No it isn't, you guys! Gnome: This is where all our work is done. Cartman: So what are you gonna do with all these underpants that you steal? Gnome: Collecting underpants is just phase 1. Phase 1: collect underpants. Kyle: Sooo, what's phase 2? Gnome: [has no response. Looks around, then calls out to the other gnomes on the underpants mound] Hey, what's phase 2? Gnome 2: Phase 1: we collect underpants. Gnome: Yeah yeah yeah, but, what about phase 2? Gnome 2: [says nothing, then] Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it? Stan: I don't get it. Gnome 2: [walks up to a large chart] You see,Phase 1: collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase 3: Profit. Cartman: Oh, I get it. Stan: No you don't, fatass! Kyle: Do you guys know anything about corporations? Gnome: You bet we do! Gnome 2: Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations. Gnomes: [three of them move a cart up a track]Time to go to work, work all nightSe- Center Gnome: [the cart falls off the track and on down] Jesus Christ, look out! Scene Description: The cart lands on Kenny. Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny. Kyle: You bastards. Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers. Gnome: Holy shit! We've killed your friend! Stan: Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed. Gnome 2: Christ, we squished him like a bug! Stan: Do you know anything about corporate takeovers? Gnome: Well, we can explain that to you easily. Gnome 2: Yes, for a price. Kyle: What? Gnome: You know. Stan: Underpants? Gnomes: Underpants! Scene Description: Harbucks, daytime. Prop. 10 supporters are out in force and Toto is performing. Lady Member: [taking the stage] Toto, ladies and gentlemen! Scene Description: The band leaves. Prop. 10 Supporter: Yeah, Toto! Whoo, Toto! Woo! Lady Member: All right. And now, before we all vote yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why are the lovable, innocent children. Stan: Uh. Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers, we went and asked our friends, the underpants gnomes, and they told us all about big corporations. Supporter: Underpants gnomes? Kyle: Big corporations are good! Supporter: What? Supporter 2: What's this? Supporter 3: Good? [the Lady Member is cross] Kyle: Because without big corporations we wouldn't have things like cars and computers and canned soup. Stan: Even Harbucks Coffee started off as a small, little business. But because it made such great coffee, and because they ran their business so well, they managed to grow and grow until it became the corporate powerhouse it is today. And that is why we should all let Harbucks stay! Scene Description: The crowd is stunned. Townsman: Ogh. Lady Member: That's not what you said last time. Kyle: Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't write that paper last time. Scene Description: Gasps from the crowd. Mr. Garrison: You little turds!! You've ruined my life for the last time!! Scene Description: Officer Barbrady and another man haul him off. Mrs. Tweek claps for the boys and goes onstage. Mrs. Tweak: These boys are absolutely right. We've been using these poor kids to pull at your heartstrings for our cause, and it's wrong. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you ever even bother to taste Harbucks coffee? [shot of the town committee. The crowd blinks] Harbucks coffee got to where it is by being the best. Don't you think you should at least try it? Scene Description: The crowd parts as Postum exits Harbucks with a tray of his coffee, then closes in to get the coffee. Some people taste it. Townsman: Hey, this is pretty damn good. Townsman 2: Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has. Richard: [comes over for a taste] Hey. Hey, that is good. Postum: It's a French roast. Richard: It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that first splash of sun on an April morning. This coffee is coffee the way it should be. Postum: Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You know, we still need someone to run this Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will make a lot of money. Richard: Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be happy with the money we make selling our son into slavery. Tweek: Aggghhh! Richard: Just kidding, son. Scene Description: Everyone laughs. The gnomes come and remove the pants from a townsman behind Tweek's right shoulder. Cartman: I love you guys. [more laughter] Scene Description: '[End of Gnomes. And what do the gnomes sing?Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!]'
Dwight: ...back orders and you never called them. Oscar: Can you believe this? Erin: There's a dog in the car. Oscar: You can't leave a dog in a parked car. [points to 'I'd rather be snowboarding' bumper sticker] Snowboarder, it figures. Jim: Do Snowboarders hate animals? Oscar: I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car. OK we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous. Andy: Oscar, it's not that hot out. Darryl: A car parked in the sun is like a toaster oven. Andy: Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sunlight. Kelly: So what, Andy, you wanna just let him die, you scumbag? Kevin: Here, I'm gonna get in my car. When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog. Dwight: OK, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink. Come here, doggy. [Whistling and pouring water from bottle into sunroof of car] Come on. Jim: Dwight! At least aim it. Dwight: There you go! Here doggy! He's not even trying. Come here doggy, come on. Andy: We're losing cloud cover. Kelly: Oh don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick. Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. Vick did his time. Oscar: This guy's been gone long enough. He's lost his right to a window. [Oscar approaches the vehicle with a tire iron] Jim: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oscar: Come on buddy, get back. Dwight: Whoa, Oscar! What are you- What? No, hey! [Oscar busts out back window, group cries out in protest, then cheers] Jim: Alright! Nice job, Oscar! Oscar: And one for good measure! [Busts out taillight, group applauds] Jim: So...ah, who's gonna take the dog? Oscar: Why would we take the dog? Jim: What if he jumps out the window and runs away? Oscar: Jim, he's not gonna star- [Dog lunges for open window and barks] Meredith: Whoa! Oscar: Shh! Shh! Stay there, stay. Dwight: Nein. Sits. [snaps as dog calms] Goot. Jim: Oscar, what do you wanna do, this is kinda your deal. You wanna dog? Oscar: [Oscar pokes holes in cardboard now taped over window] There we go. That should do it. Jim: Yeah, that's pretty good. Dwight: Yeah, that'll work. Kelly: That'll work. Jim: Nice job. Dwight: Bye poochie! Kelly: Bye. [Andy barks] Meredith: Bye! [Kevin's horn honks twice shortly, then one long honk. Shot shows him passed out on his steering wheel.] Pam: What's that come to? Like, what did they each win? Jim: Oh man, it's gotta be over a hundred thousand dollars. Pam: Awesome. Dwight: Before taxes. Phyllis: That's still a lot of money! Andy: The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday. Nine hundred and fifty thousand dollars. And then they quit!...and no one else can focus. [shot shows warehouse crew going wild in the office] This is it. This is all on my shoulders. I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work, I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew. I'm the one who has to say those things. Darryl: [On phone] Hello?...Justine! [laughs] Nice surprise! How you doin' baby?...Nah. No no, I didn't win. When I got promoted I stop-...what?...Yeah. Yeah, Glenn won...Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him, congratulate him. That'll be-...What?...Oh, his number's in your old phone. Oh, you know what? I might have it right- [hangs up] Whoops. Darryl: When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool. They won playing my birthday. Oscar: What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery. This will not end well. Right? Phyllis: Yeah. Meredith: We're lookin' at at least one suicide and one weird sex thing. Oscar: At least. Jim: I mean, I don't even know what I'd do with all that money. Dwight: I know what you'd do with all that money. [imitating Jim] 'Hey Pam, let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.' Jim: No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town. Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to. I'd either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop. Pam: And then on the weekends, would you hacky sack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids? Jim: Whoa. Saucy. I thought you liked Maine? Pam: I think we should get a townhouse in SoHo... Ryan: SoHo's mostly lofts but OK. Pam: And then every morning, I'd walk out on to my terrace and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city. You know? And just gather ideas for my painting... Kelly: Oh, god. Pam: And then my handsome husband... Jim: Which ideally would be me... Pam: Would bring me a flavored coffee. Jim: Stop. I'm a barista in your fantasy? Pam: Well in your fantasy we're Stephen King characters. Jim: I don't know about Stephen King, I mean... Meredith: [under her breath] get a divorce...get a divorce... Kelly: I think I would keep working. And for my salary I guess I would take like a dollar a year...I mean obviously I wouldn't come in till noon and I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do. I mean I'm getting paid a dollar a year, OK? You can chill. Andy: Are you kidding me?! Guys if I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone. [lowers voice] To down here like Mr. T. and this will get seriously annoying. I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day. [normal voice] Darryl, how we doin' on the new warehouse guys? Darryl: I don't know. Andy: What d-? What..what? Wuh, do we have new guys, or what? Darryl: No. Andy: Are they on their way over? Darryl: I haven't hired anyone. Phyllis: What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five. I emailed you about it. Darryl: I'm not checkin' email till lunch. Four hour work week. Andy: This is kinda time sensitive. Darryl: I got it. I'm doin' it. Phyllis: Andy, this is a seriously big order. I can't lose this client. Andy: Alright, well until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty. Who's in? [Erin raises hand] Erin: As long as you guys don't need me up here. Phyllis: No..we don't Dwight: I think we'll be fine. [group murmurs in agreement] Oscar: Really, nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead? Andy: Are you volunteering? Oscar: Of course. I would. But my hip...I would kill to be at a hundred percent. [Angela rolls eyes] Andy: Jim! How 'bout you? Jim: Uh, yeah. I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should go down with you... Dwight: Hey...OK no. No. That. You are so not...oh god. [grunts] False. Andy, I will volunteer. Andy: Great. And Kevin. Kevin: Good old Kevin. He'll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job. Pam: Oh, thank you. Angela: Sure. Pam: Wait, wait. What's this? [holds up clipboard] Angela: Oh, sorry. I thought it was a guess your baby's birth weight pool. Pam: It says 'Lotto Pool', right on top. [points to obvious title] Angela: Yeah. And I said sorry. Pam: Oh come on. You really think I'm gonna have a fourteen pound baby? Darryl: When did I get so fat? Andy: You look awesome. Darryl: I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here. Andy: Where are we in the process? Darryl: I have a file of applicants here. I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys,hire some of 'em. So I'd say we're in the early stages of the process. Andy: Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night? Darryl: The guys did invite me out to celebrate but I decided to just stay home. Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement. Andy: You do have a fantastic basement. Darryl: I did. I did have a fantastic basement. Now it smells like tacos. You can't air out a basement and taco air is heavy. Settles at the lowest point. Andy: Right. Um, well how 'bout we take a look at some applications? ...This guy wrote his in green ink, that's pretty cool. Check it out. [attempts to give Darryl application who ignores him at first but then takes it]Hey! There ya go...there he is. Andy: That is not Darryl. I don't know where Darryl is. I suspect probably our Darryl is inside of fat Darryl. Jim: OK. Three hundred boxes of twenty pound white. That's seventy-five boxes per person, so that's not so bad. Dwight: Negative! Three hundred boxes for me, zero for you chumps. Deal with it! [climbs into forklift] Jim: Nice. [Dwight runs forklift into wall of warehouse] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Oh! Kevin: Damn! [Dwight reverses pulling the wall with him. Erin screams. Dwight leaves forklift and begins lifting boxes by hand.] Dwight: Yup. Andy: Welcome, everybody! My name is Andy and this is my other brother Darryl.[no one laughs] What? No Newhart fans? OK...Darryl, how do we usually kick these things off? Darryl: You mean what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery? Female Applicant: Your old crew won the lottery? Andy: Does anyone have experience? Shelving, storing, keeping track. What do we use, the Dewey Decimal system? Male Applicant 1: Wait, wait. So all the old guys quit? Darryl: Oh yeah. Andy: Well- Darryl: One of 'em, Glenn, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night. Madge and a couple other guys might start a strip club, but on a boat. And Heday is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals. [Andy laughs awkwardly] Andy: Um, can you guys give us a minute? But stay close, you're all doing great. [group begins leaving] maybe grab a coffee..or if there's any donuts out you can split one. You know they're for everybody so people get fussy...You know what? Just have a donut. [shuts door and sits, gesturing for Darryl to sit next to him. Then gets up to stand near Darryl.] Do you wanna talk about this not winning the lottery thing? Darryl: I don't Andy: You sure? Cause you keep talking about it, so... Darryl: Nope. I'm good. I'm here. Let's find some warehouse workers. Andy: Good. Great. Then can you say things that aren't like a huge bummer to everybody? Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about. Darryl: OK. Andy: We need you, OK? Darryl: OK. Andy: OK? Darryl: Yeah. Andy: Alright. Dwight: [Grunts while lifting box into truck] What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player. Or her husband. [Erin grunts loudly and tosses box toward truck but misses] Erin: I didn't feel anything. Andy: Alright! Thank you for coming back in, again. Uh, now we're gonna ask you a few questions. Darryl, you have the floor. Darryl: Why do you wanna work here? Male Applicant 1: I need a job. Darryl: That's not a good reason. Andy: Good. Keepin' 'em honest. Darryl: Don't just take the first job that comes your way. Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later and you're still there. Could write your obituary tomorrow, it's not gonna change. Andy: Are we scaring them straight...? Darryl: I hope so. Think about this carefully. There's better lives than this one. Darryl: I've never been lucky. And I'm not talkin' about the lottery, I'm talkin' 'bout stuff like developing a soy allergy at thirty-five. Who gets a soy allergy at thirty-five? And why is soy in everything? Ryan: Nice. Right back where I like you. [Pam is sitting at reception covering for Erin] Can you make ten copies of this for me? Pam: No. Ryan: Why not? What are you doing? Pam: Uh, buying lottery tickets online. [Ryan laughs] Ryan: Ah, everyone wants to be rich, but nobody wants to work for it. Pam: You came in at 10:30 today, right? Ryan: OK, (we'll just dismiss it.)?????? Andy: Is everyone licensed? Male Applicant 2: Like a driver's license? Andy: No. Warehouse license...Masters in warehouse sciences?...I, I feel like Darryl has talked about a license of some kind. Female Applicant: Is this a joke? Andy: No. Not joking. This is real...painfully real, what is happening right now. Kevin: [On all fours with a box on his back] OK, I'm not gonna make it. I'm turning back. Jim: There's gotta be a better way to do this. This is literally how they built the pyramids. Dwight: Well, they whipped people which was helpful. But you're right. We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge or Heday. Jim: Yeah [laughs and then notices camera] Not that they're not smart people. Dwight: [Noticing camera] No, no. Very smart. Uh, theirs is more of a physical intelligence. Jim: I'd go with that. Dwight: Like baboons or elephants. Jim: Not that, don't... Kevin: Guys! When I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen. Then really made them laugh. Jim: It's a great idea Kev, I don't think it applies here though, so maybe we just- Kevin: Yeah we move stuff and it was fun. Dwight: Kevin! Doesn't apply. Kevin: Right. My mom- Erin: [grabbing Kevin's arm] You need to drop it, OK? They hate it. I like it a lot but they hate it so drop it! [Kevin tears up] Andy: Does anyone get distracted easily by bubble wrap? [raises hand and laughs] You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap obviously. Um... Male Applicant 1: How much longer is this gonna take? Darryl: Did you hire 'em? Andy: No. Because they all left. Darryl: What do you mean 'they left'? Andy: I mean, after you bailed? I got confused and frankly a little weird and the stuff that you said certainly didn't help. Darryl: Then I think you should fire me. Andy: What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you. Darryl: Yeah. Just put me out of my misery. Andy: OK, this is weird. I don't, I don't get the joke. Darryl: No? OK. I don't wanna be here anymore. Fire me. Andy: So Darryl says to me 'fire me'. But what he really means is 'I'm gonna say something really weird, try and figure out what it means.' So I say 'No, you're not fired.' But what I really mean is 'I have no idea what your talking about, but I'm gonna go ahead and hire some people for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.'....I really hope that's what he and I mean. Andy: Attention! Does anyone know anyone who could work in the warehouse? We can pay. Come on Oscar, who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy. Oscar: Bulk or definition? Andy: Definition. Oscar: Bruce Kenwood. He hangs out at Plant Fitness. Andy: Are those just show muscles? Or is he really strong? Oscar: Oh, he's plenty strong. Oscar: It used to be Reggie Winters out at Gold's Gym. But he moved away. And then it was between Bruce and this guy Dean. Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves and uh, and his triceps went to hell. Pam: So. I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings... Jim: Our fake winnings Pam: And we move to the south of France. See? No, there's plenty of bicycling for you. I think that's where they do the Tour de France. Jim: It is, yeah. I mean I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy. Cause in my fantasy it's Maine and you love it. Pam: Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy. Jim: Nope. You're, you're doing a great job of it in my fantasy right now. [Pam sighs] Dwight: Hey, idiot. What did Erin want again? Jim: A...hot chocolate tea Andy: Gideon. You are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar workforce? Gideon: North America...and, diminishing is a little reductive, but uh sure. That's the headline version. Andy: Great...Well, it'll bring a fresh new perspective to the warehouse. Gideon: FYI, Wednesday through Friday I have a pretty full teaching schedule. Andy: Eh, cool. We'll figure that out. Nate: Also, FYI, ah, I don't techinically have a hearing problem, but sometimes when there's a lot of noises occurring uh at the same time, I'll hear 'em as one big jumble. Uh, again it's not that I can't hear, uh because that's false. I can. Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing. Andy: Got it. Dually noted. You! [points to Bruce] Coolest tank top I have ever seen. Where did you get that? Bruce: Made it. Andy: So cool! What a cross-section we have here. That's what I love about interviewing. I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet or know or even talk to. Dwight: Message in a Bottle, The Postman... Jim: Kevin Costner. Dwight: Kevin Costner. Jim: Yeah. [Shot shows Kevin and Erin greasing floor of warehouse] Kevin: So I found this grease. And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea. Erin: You did say it was a great idea. I heard you say it! Jim: So, it's not the dumbest idea. Dwight: It's not the greatest one either... Jim: But, the fact remains we gotta move these boxes. Dwight: And it's clear we're not going to carry them. [Dwight grunts loudly in shot showing them sliding boxes over the greased floor] Jim: So sadly, it's the best idea on the table. Dwight: Exactly. Kevin: I think we're ready to give thi- [Kevin slips on grease and falls] Jim? Jim: Is he OK? Dwight: Yep. He'll be fine. Andy: Surprise! Your new crew. Darryl: Would you just fire me, man? Andy: Why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy? Darryl: You wanna make me happy? Huh? Andy: Yeah. Darryl: Give me your job. Andy: Haha, what? Darryl: I'll do it better than you. I earned it. I deserve it. I got passed over, God knows why, reasons I cannot and will not understand. The job was mine Andy, everyone said it was mine. Make me manager or fire me. Andy: I'm not gonna give you my job! It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing, you weren't even next in line. I asked about you, I saw your file. You have a history of being short with people and you hired Glenn, your buddy! To replace you in the warehouse. He was under qualified. They saw that. Nate: Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but uh, you should probably know I technically don't have a hearing problem, it's just when there's a lot of noises... Andy: Nate! Please...thank you. You have no business education, you were gonna take classes under D'Angelo, what happened to that? Darryl: He died. Andy: He didn't die, his brain died. And my brain is still very much alive and I'd be happy to give you business classes. How come you haven't asked me about it? Nate: What wa-, what was the last...I'm havin' a- Andy: None, no part of this has anything to do with you. Darryl: I didn't have time because of my daughter. Andy: Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic, and a Mediterranean cooking class. Darryl: Hey I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you gonna throw it back in my face. Andy: Hey. Here's the thing. Jo saw something in you. She loved you! She gave you a shot and then you stopped pushing. She noticed. [long pause] Darryl: OK. Andy: OK what? Darryl: OK, don't fire me. Andy: Ah, OK. Darryl: My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It's gonna be determined by two big black balls. I control my destiny. I do. Darryl: I put some guys on tonight. Best of your bunch and my bunch. Tell you now though, it's gonna be mostly my bunch. Andy: Yeah. [laughs] That makes sense. OK. Good, alright. Kevin: Here... Andy: What is goin' on?! [shot shows greased aisle flanked by rows of boxes] Kevin: Oh hey guys. Darryl: Why is the forklift in the wall? Andy: Why is the truck empty? Dwight: Uh, it's not totally empty. Darryl: Is that grease on my floor? Dwight: OK, I can see why you're angry, you're coming into this cold. But believe me a lot of thought went into this. Darryl: And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease? Kevin: OK Darryl, listen and then you will understand. The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing so now it's cool cause we found another use for them. Jim: OK, alright, that's...look. All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things. Darryl: And? Erin: And we did. Dwight: I don't know. Erin: Jim? Tell them what it's called. Jim: That's alright. Kevin: No Jim, tell 'em what a name is. Jim: Doesn't matter what the name is. Se��or Loadenstein, that's stupid. Kevin: [laughing] Se��or Loadenstein. Tell 'em why it's called that, Jim. Jim: That's OK, we're good. Erin: Jim... Andy: No, Jim. Tell us why it's called Se��or Loadenstein. Jim: Porque es muy rapido. Dwight: OK. You know what? It's been a real busy day, what do you say we put all this away. Darryl: Let me see it. Dwight: It's uh, it's in beta testing. Darryl: Let me see it! Dwight: Get the thing, go! Lube it up, Kevin! Start mopping. Dwight, Erin, Jim & Kevin: Uno! Dos! Tres! [Shot shows Jim & Dwight pulling ropes attached to a plank holding Erin in a helmet and boxes of paper down the greased runway, Dwight grunts] Phyllis: Yeah, I lost my client. Creed: I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A, baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport. Toby: I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, The Flenderson Files. Dum bum buh. [whispers] Flenderson files. Pam: We came to an agreement. We're going to live in a stunning pre-war brownstone at the top of a mountain. Jim: Right. It's city and country combined. Pam: Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world. Jim: And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio. And we can chat any time we want. Pam: Just like now. Jim: [laughs] Just like now...too bad the schools are terrible. Pam: Oh.. Jim: But what are you gonna do about that? Pam: What are you gonna do? Toby: If I won the lottery, I don't know. I don't think I'd make any changes to my life. Quit my job, move, meet someone... Ryan: I'd give 35% to AIDS related charities. 25%. If they can't cure AIDS with 25%, the extra ten's not gonna make a difference. At some point, you're just throwing good money after bad. Phyllis: The first thing I'd buy is new boobs. For my mom. She has the worst boobs. It- It's embarrassing. Jim: Ok, ok. We are so close. All we have to do is figure out that corner and we're basically there. Dwight: I know. Kevin, we've been friends for a long time, right? Kevin: Egons. Dwight: So if I was to ask you to sacrifice your body and lay down on a greasy corner and act as a human bumper shield- Jim: Ok, Dwight! Come on. Here, I think I have an idea. Dwight: I wouldn't be asking you lightly, now would I? Kevin: No. Dwight: Right. Now do you wanna wear a trash bag, er... Jim: Dammit Dwight! Kevin: However it's normally done. Jim: Ok, I have a question. Why is the truck so far away? Kevin: Yeah Jim, why's it so far? Erin: Why's it so far away? Jim: Ok, I just asked that ques-, I don't know. I mean it seems like the door is huge, right? So you should be able to back the truck up to the paper. Dwight: Yeah, why is it so far away Jim? Jim: So this warehouse has been around for what? Like a thousand years? And they never thought to back the truck up into it? I guess sometimes it just takes a fresh set of eyes. Alright! [knocks on side of truck] Kevin: Back... Erin: Yeah. Kevin: That looks good. Back. Whoa whoa whoa! Jim: Whoa whoa whoa! Erin: You're doing great! A little farther away from the wall! Kevin: No no no! Erin: Good... Jim: No! Stop! Stop stop stop stop! You're way over! Ok, you gotta cut it! Cut it hard! (bleep!) Stop stop stop stop! Stop, stop! Dammit Dwight. Great. Dwight: Come on! Jim: Good.
Scene Description: South Park, night. A shot of a newspaper, the South Park Herald. Some headlines are: "Crime Rate Up," "No End In Sight!!" The camera zooms out to reveal the newspaper lying on the street, hanging over the curb. Dramatic music plays as a car zooms past the paper. Cartman: [voice over] The city isn't what it used to be. It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. It's like... everyone's sense of morals just... disappeared. Bad economy made things worse. [A shot of Tele's TV store "Closed until further notice due to BAD ECONOMY"] The jobs started drying up. Then the stores had to shut down. [a shadow runs across the screen, in a cape. Next scene: an alley looking towards the street. An Obama poster for CHANGE is shown, with WHEN? spray-painted over the word] Then a black man was elected President. He was supposed to change things. [the shadow climbs up a pipe and runs across the roof of the building opposite the alley entrance] He didn't. [next shot is that of a street under a threatening red sky] As more and more people turned to crime and violence the town becomes gripped in fear. Dark times. The city needs protection. [another alley. An aluminum trash can falls over, spilling its contents. The shadow appears on a wall, larger than life, then runs away] There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. [A rain gutter is shown. The shadow runs across the screen again, closer to the camera] To clean out the trashcan of society I've chosen to become more than a man. [another rooftop. The camera finds the shadow and zooms in on it.] I'm the hero this town needs. I am... [the shadow turns and is lit up. It's Cartman dressed as...] the Coon! [Cartman looks up to the sky, and graphics for "The Coon" pop up. Next scene, the Coon runs down a street and leaps onto the roof of a car] As the world plummets into despair the Coon fights to keep order intact. [he leaps off the car] Scene Description: A park bench in the city. A couple sits on it, the partners gazing into each other's eyes. Josh: Lisa I had a really great time tonight. Lisa: I did too, Josh. Josh: Would you... mind very much if I kissed you? Lisa: Not at all. [they start kissing. A pair of binoculars spies them from some distance.] The Coon: [voice over. The Coon is on the roof of a public restroom house looking through the binoculars] A woman being raped. This is what our city has been reduced to. When the money goes, the raping starts. Women are helpless... without the Coon. Lisa: O-hoh, yes Josh. Yehehessss! The Coon: [leaps into action] Let her go! Josh: [points to himself] 'Scuse me? The Coon: You aren't raping anyone tonight! Josh: Oh, it's a talking squirrel. [The Coon runs at him, leaps onto the bench, and starts clawing at him] Oh! Lisa: Ah! Josh: Oh! Ow! Wugh! Oh! The Coon: [stops clawing and says to Lisa] Get out of here! Get to safety! [Lisa gets up and runs away screaming. The Coon gets back to clawing at Josh] Josh: Ugh! L-lisa! Call me! Oh! Ow! The Coon: [voice over as he leaps off the chair and runs off] Another woman saved from rape. But how many more rapists are out there? Josh: [gently stroking the cuts] Oh that really stings. Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Officer 1: Here's that file on the Rodriguez case, detective. Sgt. Yates: Alright, things are pretty quiet out there, boys. Let's try to get caught up on some paperwork. Murphy I want you to- [his eyes widen at something behind Murphy. It's... The Coon, perched on an open window. Murphy turns to look and does a double-take] The Coon: Don't let the city's peacefulness fool you, commissioner! It's too quiet. Sgt. Yates: Oh, not this kid again. Officer 1: Hey, you get out of here. Out. The Coon: There was another rapist in the park tonight. [jumps into the station] It's no coincidence. It must be a rapist plot and it stinks to the top. Sgt. Yates: What? The Coon: I think the Mayor might be involved. It's my theory she might have a lesbian lover who's holding her leash. Sgt. Yates: Jesus Christ, [looks at the other detectives] can we get a lock on that window? [he turns to look at the Coon] Look kid, you need to stop- [his eyes widen again. Murphy looks over his shoulder again - The Coon is gone, and the window curtains softly sway] Officer 1: He's gone. The Coon: [steps out from behind a file cabinet at the other end of the floor] No, I'm just over here now. [all the detectives turn to face him] What do we know about the Mayor's sexual preferences? Sgt. Yates: Alright, listen: you have five seconds to leave or we're gonna put you in the jail and call your parents! Officer 1: Jail's full, sir. Sgt. Yates: Whatever. Then we'll just put you in- [is surprised again. The other detectives are also surprised, as the Coon isn't by the file cabinet anymore.] The Coon: [appears by the window again] Now I'm back over here. Sgt. Yates: [walks towards the window] Just get out of here before we-! [another surprised look. The camera looks at an empty floor space] The Coon: I'm right here now. [the camera moves to the right until he appears] Sgt. Yates: All right, stop it! The Coon: Yes, I have to go now. [turns to the window, reaches over and grabs a box, and carries it over to the officers] But in the meantime I have something that might interest you. [turns and walks back to the window] Make sure all your men get a look at these, detective! Sgt. Yates: What's in here? [two of his officers walk over to open the box. The window is shown again and the Coon is gone. The officers open the box and pull out some shirts - "Who is the Coon?" and the Coon mask are on the front of the shirts] Scene Description: Neighborhood bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle wait for the bus. Cartman walks up to them. Cartman: Hey guys. Good morning. [the guys don't respond to him at all] You guys... hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night? They say it was the Coon. Stan: Who's the Coon? Cartman: I know, right? [enunciating] "Who is the Coon?" It's what everyone must be asking themselves. Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands. As for me, I certainly don't agree with the Coon's reckless ways. If you ask me, there's no room in this world for vigilantes. I believe the Coon is a menace. Kyle: ...Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway. Cartman: [stunned, turns to Kyle and points] You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you! Kyle: ...Dude, what?! Cartman: He's not a fag! Kyle: Why do you care? Cartman: [straightens up and moves off a bit] Oh. I uh... well I ah ah [crosses his arms] I'm just... I'm just mad 'cause you should never use the term "fag," Kyle. That's a hate word. And it's insensitive to butt pirates. Anyway, what do you think about the Coon, Stan and Kenny? Do you think he's the savior this town needs or do you think he's a dangerous vigilante? [neither of them answer him] Kenny? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is giving an oral report on the Coon, in the form of a FAQ. Cartman: And of course the most common question asked is, just who is he? [he's wearing a "Who is the Coon?" shirt] Is he a hero or a menace? [half the class is bored, and Clyde is asleep at his desk. Mr. Garrison reads quietly at his desk] While we can all admit that the Coon is obviously really cool, we should also be asking each other... "Why does he care so much for the people of this town? Why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime? And does he really have the right?" What we all need now- [spots the sleeper] Clyde? Clyde, could you wake up please? This is important. [Clyde wakes up and looks around in a daze] What we all need now is PROOF... that the Coon exists. I believe that tonight from approximately 5 to 5:45 the Coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens. I know I'll be there with my camera. And I'm sure... many of you will, too. Scene Description: Walgreen's rooftop, that night. The Coon stands near the edge of the roof waiting for spectators. The Coon: [voice over] Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop, the more just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars. The city is a dying whore. She calls out to me to save her. And I don't know if I can. But she is still my city. [another little superhero walks up to the edge of roof a few feet from the Coon] And I cannot just sit and watch as innocent peole are- [the Coon notices] Who the hell is that? [looks the new hero over a few times, then walks up to him and asks] Who the hell are you? M: [this hero wears an M on his shirt and a ? on his hood] I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night. As violence and darkness take over the streets, I work to rid this city of crime. I'm the symbol this town needs. The Coon: Aw nonononono, I am the symbol this town needs! [M ignores him] Dude, seriously, you can't do that! Go home! I was, I was doing this first! M: Nuh uh. The Coon: Yeah huh! You heard of the Coon and now you're being a copycat. Is that your name? Copycat? M: I am Mysterion. The Coon: Mysterion? That's fucking retarded! You just gave yourself away, Craig! Only you would think of a name that dumb! Mysterion: I might be Craig, and then again I might not be. My identity must remain a secret. You cannot know. The Coon: Yeah? Well you cannot know my true identity either. Mysterion: I assume you must be Cartman, because you're fat. The Coon: [thinks for a few seconds] Well you're wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman and he's not fat! Care to guess again?! Mysterion: I really don't care who you are. The Coon: Oh all right Kyle! Yeah, took me real long to figure it out! Only you, Kyle, would be a buzzkill, and try to steal my thunder! You don't care about stopping crime, you're just doing this... 'cause you hate me, Kyle! Mysterion: Kyle hates Eric Cartman. Are you saying you're Eric Cartman? The Coon: No, I'm no- I [makes his voice gruff again] I'm sayin' that... Goddammit Stan is that you? It is you, isn't it? Clyde? Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am! Mysterion: I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer. The city needs my help. There are innocents to protect. [leaps off the roof and out of view] The Coon: NO! Dude, I'm seriously! You're being a copycat! I'll sue you! [no one replies] Motherfucker! Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The camera looks at various kids at play. Cartman: [voice over. He's seated alone on a merry-go-round] Which one of them is it? Somebody is dressing up and pretending to be a superhero! But who? Has to be one of the guys in my class, 'cause only they knew that the Coon would be on the rooftop of Walgreens. [shuts his eyes] No, stop. Can't think about that right now. Have to focus. [opens his eyes, keeping a look of determination on his face] Tomorrow is the most important day in the Coon's life. Everything the Coon has lived and fought for comes down to tomorrow. Concentrate. Scene Description: Tomorrow arrives, and the Airport Hilton is shown. Event for that day, Coonicon. Scene Description: The Airport Hilton. Inside, The Coon has set up a convention for himself. A framed poster announced the Coon, Live and In Person. The Coon: [alone in the room] How is it that nobody came to Coonicon 09? This is just, this is fucking ridiculous! Maitre D: Got everything you need here, sir? Okay on beverages, buffet items? The Coon: Yes, it's fine! Maitre D: Great. Hey, I just want to say that the Airport Hilton really appreciates your continued business. The Coon: What do you mean "continued"? You don't know who I am! Maitre D: Aren't you that little boy who had his ginger pride rally and his AIDS benefit here, before? The Coon: No, I'm not that kid! Maitre D: Oh. Oh oh really? Oh my bad. I'm actually relieved. That kid was kind of a douchebag. The Coon: [looks back at him] You're a fucking douchebag! Get outta here! Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman returns home from the Coonicon depressed. He walks in slowly and kicks the door shut. Cartman: [sadly] Hunh! Liane: Oh, hello sweetie. What did you do today? Cartman: I got boned! That's what I did, Mom! I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices! Liane: [puts her left hand on his right shoulder] Aww, what happened, hun? Cartman: I can't tell you what happened 'cause it's about my super secret double life! Scene Description: A Channel 9 Newscast begins. Anchor: Tonight an incredible story of an unknown child in South Park who has taken to the streets in an effort to fight crime. Cartman: [suddenly hopeful, looks at the TV] Wha, what? Anchor: But who exactly is... Mysterion? [a silhouette appears, but it doesn't look like the Coon's] Cartman: [angrily] What?! Anchor: Curious crowds in the town of South Park, Colorado. [people mill around looking for pictures of Mysterion to take] They've brought binoculars and camera phones trying to get a shot of a mysterious superhero. Man 1: Uh, he was dressed mostly in black with a kind of... cloak. Woman 1: He jumped down from the fire escape stairs, and then he just ran off. We barely got a look at him. Man 2: To me it looked like Mysterion to me. Everyone who's seen Mysterion, say yeah! Crowd: Yeah! [the man grins, showing off some gold teeth] Man 3: Well I, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know? A, a symbol that everyone who's sick of crime can uh can rally behind. Cartman: Fuckin' butthole! Man 4: [behind the wheel] Well if you ask me, he's a menace. There's no room for vigilantism in today's world! Reporter: [showing some "AMATEUR SKETCH" images worthy of a graphic novel] This artist rendition of Mysterion has already generated thousands of copies. Cartman: You gotta be kidding me! Reporter: As hundreds of people gather to try and get a glimpse of the superhero, one question remains: Who is Mysterion? [everyone around him begins to ask the same question] Anchor: If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion, please call the 9 News Hotline. Cartman: [shakes in anger] AAAAAHT!! [turns right and leaves in a huff] Scene Description: News stand, night. The headline on today's South Park Herald: "Who Is Mysterion?" The camera pulls back to reveal Mysterion looking around and running down the sidewalk across the street. Mysterion: [voice over] I could no longer sit by and watch as my city became a cesspool of crime. [a shot of City Hall. Mysterion appears on the roof by the dome] I have lived in South Park all my life. I decided it was up to me to keep this town safe. [he leaps off the roof and soon climbs up a rain gutter] Nobody at school knows my double life. To them, I'm just another fourth grader. But tonight, I am Mysterion. [climbs in through a window ...into the police station.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Sgt. Yates: Oh, Mysterion, thank God you've come. What news do you have? Mysterion: There's some graffiti on the bridge again. I think those sixth grade kids are doing it. And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again. Officer 2: We'll get right on it, Mysterion. Thank you. Thank you for all your help. [Mysterion climbs out the window and goes down the fire escape ladder. The officer walks over to the window] Godspeed, Mysterion! Sgt. Yates: You are a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak and dreary world! [as Mysterion walks away from the police station, the Coon jumps into his path.] The Coon: Dude, seriously? I'm gonna kick the shit out of you if you don't stop! Mysterion: This city needs my help. It cries for protection and I will- Mysterion, The Coon: Answer the call to save her. The Coon: That's what I'm supposed to say! I know it's you, Kyle. Just stop! Mysterion: I don't have time for this. [brings out some fireworks and lights the fuse. He drops the fireworks on the ground and leaves. They pop up and deter the Coon from following him. When the smoke clears the Coon looks around and doesn't see anyone.] The Coon: Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole! [to the officers on the second floor] Hey, he's got fireworks! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A pissed-off Cartman, wearing his "Who is the Coon?" T-shirt, walks down the hall until he finds his classmates. Cartman: So, guys! Any of you do anything interesting last night?! Stan: Not really. Cartman: Really?! Nobody was playing with any fireworks?! [grabs Stan's right hand and sniffs it vigorously, then lets it go and looks around for other suspects] Stan: Dude, what the hell? Cartman: Aha! Kenny! I should have known! [walks over to Kenny's locker and points] Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?! [points at Kenny] Unless you are Mysterion! Stan: [opens his door to demonstrate something] Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too. Clyde: Yeah, so do I. Cartman: What?! Why? Clyde: I don't know, it's just a cool costume. Cartman: It's not a cool costume! He just wears his underwear over his buttfucking pants! Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?! Wendy: [walking by] How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy? Cartman: [gasps and walks away a bit to watch Wendy leave] Fucking bitch... Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Two pigeons perched on the top of the sign suddenly take wing. The Coon: [voice over] I had no choice. [he peeks out from behind a building, then runs] I was at the end of my rope. [he hears a sound and turns to its direction] Sometimes when a superhero needs answers, he has to turn to the wretched underbelly of society. A Voice: Hahahahahahahahaaa... Look what the cat dragged in. The Coon: Come out where I can see you! A Voice: What's the matter, Coon? Nervous? The Coon: [voice over] I didn't want to resort to this, but he could have the answers I need. A Voice: How utterly delightful! The heroic and mighty Coon [Professor Chaos leaps into view] come to put a stop to me again. The Coon: [voice over] Chaos. I need to keep on my toes. [speaks] I'm not here to stop you this time, Chaos! I need information. Professor Chaos: Oh I'm sure you do. But you see I [almost trips on his cape] whoop. [recovers] But you see I also know you like to beat me up. The Coon: I didn't call you to fight, Chaos! I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity. [the two adversaries begin to circle each other] Professor Chaos: Oh I'm close. And I'll put an end to him, and all of you goody-two-shoe heroes! The Coon: I'm not on his side! Professor Chaos: Do you think I'm a fool?! All those times you stopped me from my acts of evil! All those times you tricked me into meeting you, and then ga- and then gave me titty-twisters! Not this time, Coon! I finally learned my lesson! Now, General Disarray! [General Disarray holds a rope on the roof behind the Coon at the end of the storage building. He jumps down and swings towards the Coon and knocks him down] Yeah-ha! [General Disarray tries to keep the Coon on the ground.] The Coon: That's it! [stands up] Professor Chaos: O- oh careful General Disarray. The Coon: Agh- Stop it! You, you... butthole! Knock it off! Professor Chaos: Hehyeah! We beat him, General Disarray! [General Disarray has the Coon in a choke hold] The Coon: Listen to me! I want to... help you... get rid of Mysterion! Professor Chaos: Let him go, General Disarray! [General Disarray lets go and hops off. Professor Chaos puts his fists to his waist] Why would you help us?! The Coon: Because Mysterion is trying to [bumps General Disarray off. General Disarray strikes a couple of trash cans and gets up a bit dazed] You fucker, that fuckin' hurt! [turns towards Professor Chaos] Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs! But that's my job! Professor Chaos: But you both fight for justice and good. The Coon: Yeah, but he's a fuckin' dick! I want him gone just as much as you do! Professor Chaos: Very well. I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity, but if this is some kind of setup- The Coon: N- I'm the good guy, Chaos. I don't betray people. Professor Chaos: Weh- oh yeah. [turns and walks away. General Disarray walks away also, and the Coon follows them] The Coon: [voice over] I didn't like having to work with this scumbag. But I knew Mysterion was out there, plotting his next move. Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle sits at his desk deep in thought. Mysterion: [on Kyle's bed] Hello Kyle. Kyle: [looks, then jumps in his seat] Whoa, what the? Mysterion: Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm. Kyle: Hey. Hey, you're that Mysterion kid. Mysterion: Yes. But now I believe someone is trying to learn my true identity. Kyle: Dude, everyone's trying to figure out who you are. Mysterion: [turns away from Kyle] I cannot be unmasked, for then I would stop being a symbol. I need help. Somebody who can do background checks for me, do some investigating. Kyle: Who? Me? Why? Mysterion: Because I think you are the smartest kid in class. [looks over his shoulder. Kyle just stands there.] Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Professor Chaos: This way! We will now show you our secret headquarters of DOOM. The Coon: You guys have your own storage facility? Professor Chaos: Actually it belongs to General Disarray's grandma, um but she lets us use it. [General Disarray removes the lock from the unit and tries to lift the door. Professor Chaos helps him out and holds the door open as General Disarray and the Coon enter, then enters and lets the door drop closed behind them. Professor Chaos leads the Coon through the unit] This is where we come up with all our evil plans. Here's our computer relays. [a TV on a large stereo console with a toy keyboard attached] And this is like a, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second! [an unsolved Rubik's Cube under glass, on a table from which a sign hangs: WARNING DO NOT TOUCH!] And here's some of our evil minions! [hamsters] We have everything we need here. Can I offer you a Coke or a Sprite or something? The Coon: I'll take a Sprite. Professor Chaos: Uhget the Coon a Sprite, General Disarray. [General Disarray leaves to get the Sprite while Professor Chaos takes the Coon to a wall with pictures of the other guys in class on it] As you can see we too have been working hard on Mysterion's identity. The Coon: You have an entire wall dedicated to Mysterion? What about...? Do you, do you still have that "Who Is The Coon?" T-shirt I gave you? Professor Chaos: Oh yeah, I think it's around here somewhere. Uh, using our photos we are tryin' to pinpoint Mysterion's identity. The Coon: Why is Cartman crossed out? He, he could be Mysterion. Professor Chaos: No, he's too fat. Based on his body type it's gotta be someone like Stan or Kyle. [The Coon turns away, insulted, but his eyes pop open as he sees who the Coon suspects are: Harvey Fierstein, Cartman, and Bruce Vilanch. It just makes him angrier] The Coon: Alright, al, alright, alright, look, Chaos. Just set up a video camera. I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all. Scene Description: Channel Nine News splash screen comes up. Anchor: The clock is ticking and the citizens of South Park are gripped in fear. Two days ago an evil unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion [a pic of Mysterion appears] does not reveal his identity. Professor Chaos: [from his headquarters, reading a prepared statement] Mark my words, South Park! Your precious hero is now, uh, your undoing! If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up... a hospital. Blow up a hospital? [looks off to his right] I'm not gonna blow up any hospital. Are you nuts? What? [turns to the camera] Uh, the choice is yours, Mysterion! Unmask yourself or hundreds will die! Hahaha. [looks off to his right again] Jesus Christ. Anchor: Since the threat was issued there has been no sign of Mysterion. Where is Mysterion? Anchor 2: [through his teeth] Where is Mysterion? Scene Description: On the first floor of a construction site. Chaos, Coon, and Disarray are there with lots of TNT piled up around them. There are no walls up, so the floor is open. Professor Chaos: Hey Coon w-we aren't actually gonna blo- blow up anything, are we? The Coon: If you don't make good on your threats, Chaos, then what good are your threats? Professor Chaos: But you really wanna blow up a hospital? I mean, a-aren't you a good guy? The Coon: Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos. General Disarray: [walks up to Professor Chaos] You know, I've been thinking: if we're really evil villains, then we should betray him, and blow him up with the hospital. The Coon: You know, you're a little scrotum-licker dude! Why don't you shut the fuck up?! [turns and runs to the edge of the floor] Alright Chaos, I'm gonna get the triggers for these things at ACE Hardware. Keep an eye on this stuff! [jumps down to the ground] Professor Chaos: Aww jeez General Disarray, this is a lot more than I ever really intended. [General Disarray almost loses his balance twice, but recovers both times] I mean, well I hate the world and all its puny inhabitants and all but, but blowin' up a hospital? It just seems mean. [a shadow spreads across the floor before them. They look towards the shadow's source and find Mysterion standing on a beam above them. Chaos gasps] Whoa. Oh hamburgers! General Disarray: AAAGH! [runs away to the other end of the floor and behind some boxes of TNT] Professor Chaos: Aaah, a m m Mysterion, I b-, I beg you, I mean ah, judahadahada... Mysterion: Why are you doing this?! This isn't your usual MO, Chaos! Professor Chaos: Whowell I b- Well I b- ah I just would jes one nigh-, and then the Coon saw it up and I wa able to, and was able to [begins to mumble and fade out] Scene Description: On the street below people walk along the sidewalks unaware of anything happening above them until a scream is heard. Professor Chaos: Waaugh! Man 5: What is that? Scene Description: On the construction site Professor Chaos and Mysterion fight. Man 6: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting! Man 7: Give him hell, Mysterion! [more people appear and begin cheering the fight. General Disarray returns to help Professor Chaos] Woman 2: Look out Mysterion! General Disarray is behind you! [General Disarray grabs onto Mysterion's left leg] Officer 3: Jesus Christ, we need backup out here! [a police car pulls up as he says this. A sniper tries to train his scope on Professor Chaos] Officer 4: I think I can get a shot at Chaos, sir. Sgt. Yates: [stays his officer's rifle] You think your bullets can hurt him? [Chaos and Disarray have defeated Mysterion, who lies unconscious on his back against some open bags of plaster. The crowd below gasps] Professor Chaos: Yeah, we did it! Man 8: [breaking the crowd's silence] He's dead. Mysterion is dead. Woman 3: Nooo... [begins to sob. Other begin to sob too] Reporter: The impossible has happened. Mysterion, beloved protector of the city, is dead. Who will save us now? Man 9: Wait! Look! [Mysterion begins to move and wakes up] Officer 4: He's all right! [the crowd cheers and the battle between Mysterion and Chaos resumes, with Disarray trying to restrain Mysterion. Mysterion throws him off, and Disarray runs away again] Cartman: [offscreen] Oh my God, look everyone, it's the Coon! The Coon: [walking up a ramp to the first floor] Fear not everyone! Coon is here to save the day. Man 10: Isn't that Bruce Vilanch? Man 11: Be careful Bruce Vilanch! There are superhumans fighting right over there! Professor Chaos: Okay sorry sorry! I'm sorry! I give up! Please, I give up! The Coon: Don't worry, Mysterion! [Mysterion gets off Chaos and Chaos stands up] The Coon will now help you! Professor Chaos: Well, wait! I thought we were workin' together. [the Coon punches him in the mouth] Waaa. [sprouts a bloody nose] Oh jeez, I think I broke a tooth. [covers his face, turns left and runs out of view, mumbling. The crowd cheers some more] The Coon: That was great teamwork, Mysterion. South Park is safe. Until next time. Mysterion: What next time? The Coon: Well, people are obviously so desperate to learn your identity that they'll do anything. Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take off your mask. [Mysterion gives this some thought.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Mysterion stands at a podium flanked by the Coon and the Park County police. Mysterion: Citizens, tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself. Sgt. Yates: Don't do it, Mysterion! If you show your identity we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante! The Coon: Don't you think he knows that?! But superheroes know that sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the greater good. Man 12: Don't show your face, Mysterion! Man 13: You have to be a symbol! The Coon: So that the next terrorist can threaten South Park if he doesn't unmask himself?! Mysterion: No, it's true. As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again. It has to end. I will show my face. [the camera zooms in on him as he gets ready to remove his mask. As soon as he shows his eyes and nose, the camera stops] Crowd: Ohhh. Man 14: [holding a camera] Well I'll be. The Coon: I knew it was you! 'Member I even said it before! Mr. Garrison: Wow, a kid from my class was Mysterion. Sgt. Yates: Well I'm sorry but you're under arrest. Take the kid to jail. [hands Mysterion over to Murphy, who escorts him away] The Coon: [voice over] My entire plan worked to perfection. [holds up his right hand] My work here is done. [leaps away, then appears on the roof of a building] With Mysterion out of the way the Coon can finally go back to keeping the city safe. [runs across the roof and leaps down, holding on to the sides of a ladder. He leaps off the bottom of the ladder and plants his right hand on the ground] Once again, I alone am the symbol this town can stand behind. [he eats a burger meal at a fast food restaurant] Every town needs a hero. [walks down a street towards sunset] Every town needs... a Coon. [looks back at the camera, then turns away and resumes walking. Last scene has the Coon riding down the street on his Big Coon Wheel tricycle]
Scene Description: Ichi Ban Karate, day. The boys are in a karate class geared towards kids. Their fathers sit behind the instructor, keeping themselves busy as the kids take lessons. Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Instructor: Ichi! Class: Ichi! Cartman: Ichi banzai Instructor: Ichi! Cartman: Ichi banzai! Kya! Instructor: Karutamane-san! What are you doing?! Cartman: I'm doing some sweet bun-sow moves. [an aside] I'm a little better than everyone else here. Instructor: Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine! Cartman: Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine! Instructor: Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine! [softens his tone] True disciprine... come from within. We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday. [he dismisses the class in Japanese, they answer back] Kyle: [to Stan] Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon. [Cartman and Ike join them. Cartman is wearing a WWII-era Japanese flag as a head band] Cartman: Yeah, let's go. Stan: [looks around] Wait. Where's my Dad? Kyle: He knew he had to take us all home, too, right? Stan: Yeah. Scene Description: Outside Ichi Ban Karate. The boys are last out of the class. Stan: Dad? Where the hell could he have gone?? Randy: [waddles in from Stan's right drunk, carrying two bottles of beer] Oh hey, sorry boys. Male Voice: Later Randy. Randy: [turns to look at the source] Hey, see you Nelson. Stan: Dad, weren't you watching? Randy: Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game. Two-dollar margaritas! It was great. All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home. [waddles onto a parking space on his way to the driver door] Kyle: Are you sure you're all right? Randy: Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going. Scene Description: On the road. Randy chugs more beer as he drives the boys back home. Ike, Cartman, and Kyle sit in the back seat. Stan watches as Randy finishes one bottle, tosses it to the floor, opens another one, and starts chugging. Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive? Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys? Cartman: Sure, whatever dude. Randy: ...Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan. Stan: Why not just pull over? Randy: Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle! [Stan picks up a bottle and hands it to him] There's a [Zip. Stan's jaw drops] reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys. Hold the wheel, Stan. [Stan reaches over and holds it in place] When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp! [swerves to avoid what turns out to be a police car] Stan: Dad, we're gonna crash! Randy: Shh! Trying to concentrate! [the cruiser revs up, its lights turn on, and it begins to follow the car. Kyle looks to see what the cop will do] Just hold the damn wheel! [the sound of urine pouring into an empty bottle is heard] Kyle: Dude, I think you're being followed. [turns around. Cartman then turns around to look] Randy: Oh yeah? [instinctively displays his middle finger] Get off my ass, dickhole! Cartman: [turns around] No, dude, it's the police. [the sirens are heard] Randy: Aww crap! [pulls over. The cruiser does as well] Here, hold this! [gives Stan the warm bottle of urine, looks around, and zips up his fly.] Stan: Aww, it's all warm! Randy: Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [sticks some gum into his mouth and starts chewing. The cop taps on his window. Randy lowers the window.] Officer: License and registration, please. Randy: What seems to be the officer, problem? Officer: [studies the situation, then] ...Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me? Randy: Okay. [steps out of the car and straggles a few steps] Officer: Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test. Randy: Okay, no problem. Easy. Officer: Stand over here, please? [moves him a few steps] Right there. All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides... [Randy stands there for a moment, then raises his arms out] Randy: Ooof. There! I did it, see?! No problem! Officer: And now touch your finger to your nose. Randy: Do what?? Officer: Touch your finger to your nose. Randy: Wull come on, that's impossible! Officer: Just bring one hand to your nose, like this. [demonstrates.] Randy: Okay... Okay, hang on... Okay... [begins to make the attempt and wobbles] Okay, hang, ha-, ...hang on... Hol-! Hold on. [turns around and his pants begin falling around his legs] Wa-hang on, hang on. [Cartman and Kyle are watching, Stan can't bear to look] Cartman: Dude, what the hell is he doing? Kyle: I think his pants are falling down. Scene Description: moments later, Randy is arrested and placed in the back seat of the cruiser. Randy: What? What did I do?! [the officer closes the door] What did I do?! Scene Description: South Park police station. Officers go about their business as Randy is brought in. Randy is now taking a breathalyzer test. Officer: Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing. [Randy vomits onto the floor all of a sudden] Aw Jesus! Scene Description: South Park police station, waiting area. Stan: [still not looking] This is sooo embarrassing. Cartman: You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, classroom. The kids are in class before the school bell rings, chatting. Kyle: You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30. Cartman: Man, that was such a bummer. Stan: Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it? Cartman: Why? Stan: Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay? Could we please just keep this to ourselves? Cartman: All right, Stan. Sure. [the school bell rings and Mrs. Garrison enters with her books, setting them on her desk] Mrs. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. [the kids take their seats] Today we will be continuing our study of economics. But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker. The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving. Please welcome Stan's dad. [a sober Randy walks in slowly and looks down] Stan: Oh Jesus. [puts his hands over his eyes. Mrs. Garrison sits at her chair] Randy: Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um... I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishment I'm... doing community service work at schools like these. Mrs. Garrison: Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids? [the kids stay silent, Stan buries his face in his desk] Randy: Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads to uh bad things. I was in jail for the night and well I guess I donno, I... Just don't drink but,... if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive. I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess. Mrs. Garrison: ...Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class? If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad. [the kids stay silent, Stan keeps his face buried] Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they? [another shot of the class] I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say, "Is that who I want to be in thirty years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point. [Randy turns away and walks out of the class] Scene Description: Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. A 12-step program is on the wall behind the speaker. AA Speaker: Hello again everyone, my name is Michael, and, I'm an alcoholic. Group: [all wave] Hi, Michael. Michael: As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking. But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now. [the group claps] Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters? Man 1: [stands up] My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic. Group: Hi Bill. Randy: [subdued] Hi Bill. Bill: I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and, and I'm really turning my life around. No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for THIS cowboy! [the group claps. Bill sits down] Michael: That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right? [Randy points to himself]</> Y-yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself. Randy: [rises] Um, my name's Randy, and... I just, really like beer. Man 2: You have to admit you're an alcoholic. Randy: [slowly] But, I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic. Big woman: Then why are you here? Randy: Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks. I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car. That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again. Michael: Randy, you are powerless to make that decision. The only thing that works is the 12-step program. [points out the 12 steps] Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking. Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like, believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking. And then, turning your life over to that God and, humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses. Randy: What wait wait, hold on. I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing. Michael: Well it's not religious. You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness. That's the 12-step program, not religion. Randy: Look, I, I really just need to cut down on my drinking and never drive the car drunk again. Michael: [approaches Randy] You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy. You need to know something. You have a disease. Randy: Uh... a disease? Michael: That's right. Alcoholism is a disease. You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick. And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself. And it's deadly. Randy: [appalled by the "diagnosis"] Oh my God... Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan arrives and enters. As he hears the sofa, he sees his father wrapped in a blanket and bottles of beer on the coffee table before him. Another bottle is next to him on the couch. He's sipping more beer. Stan: Dad! What the hell are you doing?! Randy: [quivering] Hello, Stan. Stan: Dad, it's the middle of the day! I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore! Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease. Daddy's very sick. Stan: What?? Did you go to your AA meeting?! Randy: Yes, they're the ones that told me. I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son. I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease. [coughs, drinks, and burps.] Stan: Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now! Randy: I can't! I'm sick! [begins to cry and walks off in his blanket. He goes to the bathroom and closes the door, then goes to the vanity and looks in the mirror] It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?! [coughs as he cries, then takes some shears to his hair and shaves it off. Stan is about to pour milk into a glass downstairs] Stan! Stan! [Stan stops and sets the carton of milk down, then walks into the living room, where Randy is now seated in a wheelchair.] Stan. Stan: Aww, Goddammit! Randy: Stan I... need your help. Stan: Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?! Randy: Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya? Stan: No! You don't need another beer! Randy: [turns away and rolls off] I know that! But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness! Stan: Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple. Randy: I wish it was that simple, son. But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead. I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle. Scene Description: the nighttime sky. The camera pans down from the big, bright moon to a church with a grotto in front with a statue of the Virgin Mary with halo looking down benevolently. Somewhere on the statue a red dot appears. The dot grows into a patch and begins to bleed down the gown. The parish priest is walking away from the church when he notices the bleeding. He turns to get a better look, smears some of the liquid onto his finger, and analyzes it. Priest: [softly] Es un milagro. [loudly] Es un milagro! [immediately gets on his knees and crosses himself, then holds the bloodied finger upright] Scene Description: A news report in front of the church, day. A crowd begins to gather at the grotto. Chris: Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey, where what some call a miracle is taking place. The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass. [an establishing shot of the statue] The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes, [standing with the Spanish-speaking priest in front of the statue's backside] who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night. [back to the reporter] People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent miracle firsthand. Woman 1: Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray. Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood? Woman 2: Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world. Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass? [both women stay silent] As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church, hoping to witness the miracle, and even cure their diseases. Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy's watching the screen. Randy: Cure... cure disease. STAN!! Scene Description: The next AA meeting. Man 3: My name is Harry and I'm an alcoholic. Group: Hi Harry. Harry: I've been sober now for five years and I I've learned that drinking ice tea and, and getting more involved with my relationship with God is, is, is way more fun than partying. Woman 2: It it sure is. Harry: Once I accepted that I was powerless to control my drinking and my life, I I put it in God's hands and now, these meeting are the most fun thing I do. Man 4: Yeah. [Stan enters the meeting room and walks up towards the front] Stan: Ah, excuse me, who's in charge here? Michael: None of us are in charge. We're all powerless. Group: We sure are. That's right. Uh huh. Stan: Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday and ...you all kind of messed him up by telling him he had a disease? Harry: Alcoholism is a disease. Stan: No it, it's not. And, y-you can't just go around saying stuff like that to people like my dad. He He's kind of, a hypochondriac Man 2: It is a disease because it's a physical dependency. That makes it a disease. Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less. Michael: He can't quit by himself. None of us could. He needs divine intervention. Spirituality. Stan: No, he just needs a disciprine. But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease that he can't cure himself. Michael: Young man, do you know anything about the 12-Step Program? Stan: Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while. [he is promptly kicked out] Goddammit! [walks off] Scene Description: Another news report. Chris: The crowd grows larger every hour, as the statue of the Virgin Mary continues to miraculously cry blood... out her ass. A Cardinal, Mallory, has been sent by the Vatican to determine whether this is a true miracle or not. [the cardinal and two assistants walk into the grotto] Father Barnes: [showing the Cardinal where to go.] Right this way, Cardinal. [the cardinal, priests, and assistants go behind the statue] The blood always comes from the same area. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. [the Cardinal walks into position and begins to take a good look. He puts on his glasses and looks again. He looks even closer, and a stream of blood shoots at his eyes. His face and bust are full of blood as he moves from the back of the statue to the front. He wipes gobs of blood from his glasses and mouth and tosses them to the floor] Cardinal Mallory: [Irish accent] It's a miracle! [the waiting crowd cheers] Scene Description: The street. Stan is still pissed off from his expulsion from the AA meeting, but he notices his father grunting. Randy is next to the car, still in the wheelchair. He opens the car door and climbs in. Randy: [burps] Uh, kay, here we go. [gets into position] Stan: [rushes up] Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?! Randy: I gotta drive to Bailey. [chugs another beer] Stan: Dad, you're drunk! You're not driving a car! Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. There's a church in Bailey. The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass. Stan: [stays quiet, then] What?? Randy: They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power. She can cure my alcoholism! I'll be back soon! Stan: Dad, you can't drive! Your license is suspended, remember?! If you get pulled over again, you're gonna go to jail for ten years! Randy: [thinks] Alright... then you drive. [points to Stan] Stan: ... I'm eight! Randy: [makes a fist with his right hand] This is my only hope, Stan! Either you drive this car or I will! Scene Description: On the road. Randy sits in the passenger side chugging more beer. Randy: I sure hope this works. No. No, it will work! I have to put my faith in a higher power. I HAVE to believe that this will work! [looks off to his left] There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan! Stan: Where? I can't see. Randy: Right here is good! Brake pedal! Left pedal! [Stan manages to pull into a spot] Alright, get my wheelchair out of the back. [takes another chug of beer] Scene Description: St. Peter's Church in Bailey, night. Stan wheels Randy up to the end of the line, but isn't happy to be doing this. Randy: Is this the line? [Stan's eyes open wide. Before them is a long line leading up to the grotto] Oh God! [gets in line] Is this whole line people waiting to be cured? Man 5: Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago. I feel like this is my only hope. Randy: I know exactly how you feel. I've got alcoholism. Stan: [covers his eyes] Oh my God... Randy: Wait a minute. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there? He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him. Stan: Dad, let's just wait our turn. Randy: I could die waiting in this line, Stan. Come on, let's go! [Stan wheels him up to Josh.] Heeey heh, Josh Garrett. How you doin'? Josh: Oh, hey Randy. What happened to you?? Randy: I've got a disease: Alcoholism. It's pretty serious. You? Josh: Mm-my daughter has elephantitis [the camera pans down to a horribly deformed girl with a bad breathing condition and crutches.] Randy: We are the same, she and I. Man 6: Eey, what do you think you're doin', kid? Old woman: [in her wheelchair]You're trying to cut in line! Stan: I just, my dad was- Man 7: [walks around the old woman] You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter! [the statue is shown, and another elderly lady walks up to it. Father Barnes takes some blood from the statue's ass and forms a cross with it on the woman's forehead] Old woman 2: Praise Jesus. [walks away smiling. The crowd moves up on. Randy didn't return to the back of the line.] Randy: This is taking too long! I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan! Stan: What?! Randy: [in hushed tones] You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease. Every couple of minutes he gets out of line to go to the bathroom. When he leaves next, let's take his place. Stan: No, Dad, people will see! Randy: The guy behind him is blind! There he goes! C'mon! C'mon! Go go go! [the line advances and Stan and Randy quickly move in and fill the space] Blind man: Hey. I smell a butter. Woman 3: He did, that kid just cut in line! Man 8: Back o'the line, butter! Randy: I'm going to die! Stan: [gets into position to move the wheelchair to the back of the line] Dad, we're going back! Officer: What's goin' on here? Man 9: This kid's cutting in line! Randy: Please, officer, you have to understand. I need a miracle way more than these people. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it. Officer: ...I understand. My, my brother's an alcoholic. Here, let me push you to the front of the line. [Stan looks on a bit stunned] Randy: Oh bless you, sir! Bless you! [the line parts as the officer moves him] 'Scuse me, out of the way, alcoholic coming through! [the officer moves him into position. Randy wheels himself closer] She's... beautiful. [the statue squirts a long stream of blood on him and he rejoices in it] Aaaah. AAAAAaaaaah! [opens his eyes, and the statue quickly squirts him one more time. He then wheels himself into view and struggles to get up from the wheelchair. He still has a bottle with him] I'm... not... going... to drink this. I'm not going to drink this! [throws the bottle off somewhere] It's a miracle! I'm cured! [begins to dance away. Stan is embarrassed and stewing] Yoohoohoo! Praise Jesus! Praise Mary the Blessed Virgin Mother! Thank you! Thank you God! [runs off] Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning at the breakfast table. Shelly is drinking some milk, Stan is reading a comic book, Sharon is making breakfast. Randy: Good morning, family. The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day. [reaches over and kisses Sharon, then goes to his seat at table] It's just amazing. I haven't had a drink in five days. Praise Christ. Praise him. [looks at his kids] Stan: Praise Christ. Shelly: Praise Christ. Randy: I've got another AA meeting today and guess where it's gonna be, Stan. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me. Stan: Naw, Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's hosue to watch the Bronco game. Kenny and Kyle's Dads were hoping you'd come. Randy: Stan, those people drink. I have new friends now. My AA friends, who have faith in a higher power. Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, later. Group: Yeah, all right, woohoo! [Randy and Stan sit among Randy's new friends and their kids.] Randy: Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew how fun being sober could be?! Group: Yeah! That's right! Right! Boy: Your dad doesn't drink either? Stan: No, my dad doesn't drink. Boy: Does that mean we're friends? [Stan just looks over at him] Randy: 'Scuse me, I-I'd like to address the group if I may. Michael: Sure Randy, go ahead. Randy: [rises] I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic. Group: Hi Randy. Randy: But I put my faith in a higher power and... I haven't had a drink for five days now! [the group cheers him on, but behind him another news report pops up] Scene Description: News Report from St. Peter's Church in Bailey. Chris: An update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue! Randy: [turns around and reacts] Oh wait. Sh sh. Hold on a second, gang. [the group queits down] Chris: Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th himself, visited the statue here in Bailey to witness the miracle firsthand. [Footage of the pope walking through the crowd. People left and right kneel before him in reverence] It was an amazing sight to behold as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people. Cardinal Mallory: Right this way, Your Holiness. Chris: The pope then examined the statue closely. [the pope draw closer... closer... blinks, gets closer... looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows quickly twice, turns back and gets closer, gets a stream of blood on his face, about as much as Randy got] After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand, the pope then cleaned himself off and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue is not a miracle! Randy: What? Chris: Having investigated closely, the pope determined that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass, but rather, from her vagina. And the pope said quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vagina's all the time." [a graphic with those words appears on screen, along with an image of the pope and his name, Pope Benedict XVI] Back to you, Tom. Tom: Thanks, Edward, that's a very shocking report... Randy: That means... I'm not cured. I still have the disease! [throws his mug of lemonade away and heads for the bar] Bartender! I need a drink! Three shots of McAllen, two small bottles of vodka, three bottles of beer and some Jell-O shooters! [getting frantic] Come ON! Let's GO! Michael: Randy, uh what are you doing? Randy: You heard what he said! [gathers his drinks and carries them] The higher power didn't cure me! I'm powerless again! Man 10: I'm, I'm, I'm powerless too! Man 11: Yeah me too! Man 10: Get me seven martinis! Man 12: Jack and Coke! Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, outside. Randy staggers out with his drinks. Stan: Dad, Dad, Stop! Randy: [turns around, dropping an empty bottle] I'm sorry, son! I'm off the wagon! Stan: Dad, you don't have to do this! You have the power. You haven't drank since seeing the statue. Randy: But the statue wasn't a miracle! Stan: Yeah. The statue wasn't a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own. Randy: You're right, Stan. If God didn't make me stop drinking then... I did. Maybe... Maybe I can force myself to never drink again. [throws off all his drinks, and they shatter on the pavement.] Stan: No! Randy: No?? Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, 'n you've never learned any discipline at all. Randy: But, maybe... I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing. Stan: Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that'sa disciprine. Disciprine... come from within. [Randy looks at Stan for a moment, then walks up to his side and kneels next to him.] Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid? Stan: I've had a great teacher. Randy: Thanks son. Stan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart. Randy: Oh. Well, tell you what: let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two. Stan: All right! Randy: [lifts up his son and places him on his shoulders] Come on! [they begin to walk] Or maybe I'll have three beers. [they walk off towards the sunset in the street. Their shadows are long on the pavement as the sun blazes on the horizon] Stan: That's probably okay if you spread it out. Randy: Well how about four? Stan: I think you're pushing it. Randy: How about twenty? Stan: That's not disciprine. Randy: Right right. Does vodka count? Stan: Dad!
Scene Description: At fudge factory for a field trip, A tour guide shows Mr. Garrison's class around the factory Tour Guide: Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk. Cartman: Wow, coo'... [snaps a picture] Chocolate rules! Kyle: You should know, fatass. Cartman: AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew! Stan: Oh God, you guys, really? This again? [the students all move to the next spot in the tour] Tour Guide: And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world. Kyle: Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him. Cartman: I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad. Stan: You guys, stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff! [everyone moves on except Butters, who spots something] Butters: Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise? Stan: Huh? [Tom Cruise is packing fudge into boxes with a hat pulled low over his face] Oh, wow it is! Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer! Tom Cruise: What did you call me? Cartman: Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture] Butters: How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise? Tom Cruise: I'm not a fudge packer! Kyle: Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything. Tom Cruise: But I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box] Stan: Then why are you packing fudge? Tom Cruise: I'm not. I am a very busy actor who is trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes] Stan: Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge. Tom Cruise: Oh, that does it. I will SUE you! Stan: For what? Tom Cruise: You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it! [Mr. Garrison walks over] Mr. Garrison: Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise? Tom Cruise: That's it! [throws his hat away] I'm suing this entire intolerant town! Stan: But, dude- Tom Cruise: No buts! If you want to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences! Scene Description: At Tom Cruise's mountain lodge, a big crowd of celebrities has gathered. Tom Cruise: Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to. [all celebrities nod and agree] Tiger Woods: That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies! Bono: I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit! Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I was just over there doing a little fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer! [The celebrities all are shocked and appealed] I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in. [Sally Struthers is taking up the whole couch, except for the small place of an annoyed Mickey Mouse.] Sally Struthers: South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country! [George Lucas holding onto a ball-gagged Indiana Jones] George Lucas: That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it! Paris Hilton: If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me! [coughs up some semen, then rubs it on John Travolta's crotch] Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want. All Celebrities: YEAH! Jared Fogle: Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom? Tom Cruise: Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared opens the door to find a closet] No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared opens another door, which is also a closet.] No, that's a closet too. [Jared opens a door, and once again it is a closet] Nope, Jared, that's a closet too. [Jared opens another door, it is another closet] No. [Jared opens two more doors, both closets] That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too. Scene Description: At South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] Stan Marsh to the principal's office. Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately! Kyle: Dude, what did you do? Stan: I have no idea... Scene Description: Walks into Victoria's office to discover his parents, the mayor, the counselor, Kyle's parents, and the police Randy: You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again! Principal Victoria: Did you call him a fudge packer? Stan: Aww... he was packing fudge! Mayor: Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities! Mr. Mackey: They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay! Stan: It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar- Principal Victoria: But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us. Gerald: Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers! Sgt. Yates: Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?! Randy: Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks! Scene Description: Back at the fudge factory, Tom Cruise is busy packing fudge as Stan and Randy stand behind him. Stan has taken off his hat and looks at the floor guiltily. Randy: Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry, and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments. Tom Cruise: That's nice! [punches the button to take away fudge he just packed] I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer! [pushes fudge into a box] Randy: Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box... [Tom Cruise turns around] Tom Cruise: WHAT? Randy: We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages... Tom Cruise: I am an actor. I do not pack fudge! [turns around and throws a piece of fudge into a box angrily] Randy: Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says "Fred's Fudge and Candies"... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer ever again. [Tom Cruise sighs and backs away from his fudge packing station] Tom Cruise: Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit. Randy: ANYTHING! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise. Tom Cruise: It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town- Randy: Sure! Who is it? We can get anybody for you. Tom Cruise: Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith. Stan: Ooooooo... Randy: That's... tricky... Tom Cruise: Well, then you can just get sued! [Returns to packing fudge] Randy: Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we- Tom Cruise: No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is DONE! Scene Description: South Park Town Meeting Hall. Angry chatter is heard while Randy is speaking to the audience, with Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor and her aides sitting on chairs beside him. Randy: Okay, people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park. Mr. Garrison: Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed! [audience shouts in agreement] Stephen: Now we don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that it is now OKAY to show Muhammad. Kyle: [to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again. Mr. Mackey: But even if it were safe for Muhammad to be shown, how would we ever find him? Sgt. Yates: Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like. [shows the whole audience. Stan in the middle raises his hand] Stan: I saw him once. [everyone turns towards Stan] McDaniels: [steps forward] You did? Stan: Yeah, one time, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, and Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends. Mr. Garrison: Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed? Stan: No, dude, it was totally fine. Sgt. Yates: Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all? Stan: Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln... Randy: Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I have done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today. [holds up a file and begins to open it] Mr. Garrison: No, don't! [Randy holds it up to reveal a poorly drawn stick figure] Is that okay to show? Jimbo: I don't know. I guess we'll see. Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge Hillary Clinton: Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense! Jesse Jackson: Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park. Tom Cruise: No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look, people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander? Oprah Winfrey: You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed? Tom Cruise: Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power? [moves over to Jimmy Buffet] Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if nobody could ever call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage? Jimmy Buffett: I... I'd love it! Tom Cruise: By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule. [walks to the bar next to Tim Burton] Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and all the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, then you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that! Tim Burton: Gee, that'd be swell. Tom Cruise: Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take that power from him. [Cartman walks in] Cartman: Excuse me... [the celebrities turn around] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right? Tom Cruise: Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me! Cartman: I didn't come for myself. I just came as an escort for another celebrity who wants in on your lawsuit... Michael Richards: Who? [Cartman lifts up his hand and takes off his glove, revealing fake hair and painted on lips. It is Jennifer Lopez.] Jennifer Lopez: Alllloooo... [celebrities gasp] Tom Cruise: Jennifer Lopez! [celebrities crowd around saying hellos to Jennifer] Jennifer Lopez: Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos. Scene Description: Turns into the opening theme for the Super Best Friends Show. As religious figures pop onto the screen, the one to the left of the middle is blocked with a giant bar reading CENSORED Narrator: In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's greatest religions; Jesus! [Jesus smiles and hammers a wood board] Buddha! [Buddha pries apart the screen] Krishna! [Krishna snaps his fingers and becomes a beaver] Muhammad! [Muhammad is walking down a street, but he has been replaced with a giant bar reading CENSORED] Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith [Walking down a corridor like the opening of Scooby Doo] and... the mighty Semen! [The word "Seaman" appears on the screen, but he says semen] Seaman: It's not semen, it's Seaman! Narrator: [covering up a laugh] Their mission; right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind. Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are sitting at a table, surrounded by the Super Best Friends except for Muhammad. Stan: Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour. Jesus: My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances. Buddha: We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people Stan: Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ! Narrator: Back in the hall of the Super Best Friends... Kyle: Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate? Joseph Smith: No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face. Kyle: K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag? Lao Tzu: No, 'cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble. Stan: Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything. Jesus: But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form. Kyle: Aww, come on! This is ridiculous! [pounds hands on table] Joseph Smith: Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure. [snorting noise, Buddha is snorting cocaine] Jesus: Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids! [Kyle and Stan stare open mouthed for a second] Kyle: A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight? Joseph Smith: But he's talking from the U-Haul? Stan: Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there! Jesus: Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses? [Moses is floating over in the previously unseen corner] Moses: Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul? Kyle: There doesn't have to be... Moses: Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay. Scene Description: Tom Cruises Lodge, celebrities file into a large room which has a machine on the wall Tom Cruise: Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of. Russel Crowe: Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him? [Rob Reiner walks in with a huge sandwich and handkerchief] Rob Reiner: We take his goo! It's as simple as that friends. [takes a bite and wipes forehead, then walks over near Tom Cruise] Tom Cruise: Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth. Rob Reiner: Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another. [wipes forehead, holds up his hand, but speaks to himself] Cartman: Wait, wait, wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money? Tom Cruise: No Jen, we all have got enough money. Jennifer Lopez: Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva! Cartman: Uh, excuse us for a second... [walks away] Scene Description: Cartman enters an empty room and closes the door Cartman: Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing? Jennifer Lopez: What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo! Cartman: Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money! Jennifer Lopez: Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you! Cartman: If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are... [looks at his hand, then removes his hand's hairpiece] Mitch Conner. Mitch Conner: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut, kid. Cartman: You're a no-good swindler and a 2-bit thief. We were here for money, not goo! Mitch Conner: Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo. Cartman: Yeah, so what? Mitch Conner: You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo. Cartman: So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves. Mitch Conner: You catch on quick kid... [knock at the door] Tom Cruise: [from the other side of the door] Mrs. Lopez... Mitch Conner: Hurry, get my wig back on! [Tom opens the door] Tom Cruise: Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god [scratches the back of his head guiltily] you found my fudge packing uniform... Jennifer Lopez: Oh, your secret is safe with me, Tommy! Scene Description: Outside South Park Town Hall, several townspeople are standing around Randy: Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad. Mayor: Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad. [steps forward toward Muhammad, who is in a giant U-Haul] Muhammad: [in a small voice] Welcome. Mr Garrison: Oh, is that okay? Jimbo: I don't know. Randy: Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo. Stan: What? No, Dad, we promised the Super Best Friends that Muhammad would stay in the truck. Gerald: Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town. Kyle: But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad. Sgt. Yates: Alright, we'll put a sheet over him. Stan: No, you can't even show his feet. Sheila: How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks? Mr. Garrison: No, you could still see his eyes... Randy: Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, without even showing his eyes? [Mayor walks over to U-Haul and shouts inside] Mayor: Muhammad, would that be okay? Muhammad: [still small voice] Okay. Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge Hillary Clinton: Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us! [celebrities gasp] Tom Cruise: Rob, will the machine be ready? Rob Reiner: Oh, it'll be ready! [hits buttons on the machine's control panel] Jennifer Lopez: [out of view] More tacos! Jennifer Lopez: [in-view, the celebrities all turn around to look] More tacos! Cartman: No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez. Jennifer Lopez: More tacos. Cartman: You just had seven tacos. Jennifer Lopez: I want more tacos! [Cartman gives a nervous laugh] Cartman: I'm sorry [whisper] Why are you doing this? Jennifer Lopez: I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live! Cartman: [whispering] You know goddamn well you are not Jennifer Lopez, so stop pissing me off! [Charlie Sheen steps forward] Charlie Sheen: Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos? Jennifer Lopez: Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too? Cartman: Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore! Jennifer Lopez: Yes they do! Cartman: I tried getting one last week! Jennifer Lopez: Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them. Cartman: God, will somebody shut her up? Scene Description: South Park Town Square, several people still standing around when a limo pulls up Randy: [facing away from view] Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this. [A giant bear costume has been thrown over Muhammad] Mayor: You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad. [walks towards the limo] Mr. Garrison: [from a distance away] Hold on a second! [runs over to the mayor] Mr. Garrison: Stop! There's some extremists, threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they're gonna bomb us! Mayor: What?! Randy: Aw. Aw, it's just a stupid threat! Come on, we don't wanna piss off Tom Cruise again. [starts walking to the limo] Scene Description: Jared Fogle and Phil Collins sit in the limo Jared Fogle: [On a walkie-talkie] Alright, we got him, Tom. [Everyone outside walks toward the limo, when it suddenly explodes] Stan: Muhammad, are you okay? [Runs toward Muhammad and helps him up] Randy: What the hell was that?! Sgt. Yates: Obviously, the terrorists are for real! [notices a paper Garrison is holding] What does that paper say? [reads the paper aloud] We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah. Stan: They want his power? Kyle: What kind of extremists are these? [Yates looks over the note] Sgt. Yates: You won't believe it... Scene Description: The Hilton hotel's party room, which is full of red headed people, or gingers. Lead Ginger: Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again! All Gingers: [in unison] Huzzah! Scene Description: Cartman walking down a street, keeping his hand away from himself. He has taken off Mitch Conner's fake hairpiece. Mitch Conner: Where the hell do you think you're going? Cartman: I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time. [Mitch goes in front of Cartman] Mitch Conner: You gonna walk away from 50 mil? [Cartman stops] Cartman: Let me by... Mitch Conner: You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life. Cartman: Screw this Conner. [pushes his hand away and moves on] Find yourself another partner. Mitch Conner: Then I guess I won't tell you about your father. [Cartman stops] Cartman: My father... Mitch Conner: Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right? Cartman: I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father. Mitch Conner: You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along. [Cartman turns around to face Conner] Cartman: How could you know anything about who my family is? Mitch Conner: Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to, kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return. Cartman: If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, the you'd better- Mitch: You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else... Scene Description: Chaos, people running around the street screaming Barbrady: Okay, people, let's try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez. Scene Description: Mayors Office, McDaniels is pacing while the police stand around her Sgt. Yates: Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible! Mayor: Jesus, what are we supposed to do?! Jimbo: We have to give in to their demands. McDaniels: I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over the gingers. Kyle: We can't give him over to the gingers! Stan: Yeah, we said we'd take care of him. Gerald: But our homes and our lives are at stake. Stan: We made a promise... to Jesus! [Randy steps forward] Randy: Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved. [phone rings, everyone turns to look at it] Jimbo: That'll be Tom Cruise... [Randy steps forward and slowly picks it up] Randy: Helllo? Tom Cruise: Yeah, so whats going on? Randy: Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you. Tom Cruise: What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?! Randy: There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they are going to bomb us. Tom Cruise: Gingers? Kanye West: Gingers? Aww, hell no. Randy: Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise. Tom Cruise: You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence? Randy: Well, yeah. Tom Cruise: Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it! [throws the phone at the ground and walks away] Tom Cruise: [pacing around and fuming] Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take [around here, he jumps up and down on the couch, shouting his idea, with Oprah on the other cushion] Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th- [Rob Reiner rushes up] Rob Reiner: Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent. Hillary Clinton: Yeah, that would kill all our careers! Tom Cruise: [still jumping up and down on the couch] But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers! Rob Reiner: Fine, then let's have Her do it. Tom Cruise: [stops jumping] Her who? Rob Reiner: [whisper] You know... Her. Tom Cruise: Oh right... [Whispers] Her. Scene Description: In the middle of nowhere, limos start pulling up and celebrities all walk up to a huge structure Rob Reiner: There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand. Scene Description: Zooms around Mecha-Streisand, showing her from every angle Robert Redford: My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember. Steven Spielberg: Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this? Tom Cruise: Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us. Rob Reiner: Power her up! Release the Kraken! [Mel Gibson pushes a button, then flips a switch, starting up Mecha-Streisand] Scene Description: Mecha-Streisand opens up her eyes, the Diamond on her forehead lights up, and her claws and arm saw are flexed. The gates open and she steps out to meet the celebrities. The song Barbra, Barbra is played. She kneels down and lets out a screech. Japanese Singer: [Singing] Baabura, Baabura, ichi ban kirai na hito. (The number 1 hateful person.) Baabura, Baabura, hana ga ookii. (Her nose is big.) Rob Reiner: [extremely casual voice] Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [Barbra kneels down and blows steam out of her nose, the celebrities shield their faces] Rob Reiner: Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help Tom Cruise: We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand? [Barbra roars, turns around, and slashes the holding tower with her arm saw] Tom Cruise: Oh, she's pissed all right. Scene Description: Someone's house, there is a knock at the door. The door opens, and Eric is standing outside. Mr. Garrison: Eric, what are you doing here? Cartman: Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father? Mr. Garrison: What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean- Cartman: I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison: Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and- Cartman: I said GET. Mr. Hat! Scene Description: Garrison's bedroom. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out Mr. Hat. Cartman: Put it on! [he puts it on] Do the voice. Mr. Hat: Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat. [Cartman pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing Mitch.] Mitch Conner: Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it? Mr. Hat: I... I don't believe I know you. Mitch Conner: The name's Mitch Conner, I flew the same division as you back in Saigon. [Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat] Mr. Garrison: Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop- Cartman: Keep... your hand... UP! Scene Description: A street filled with lots of townspeople, Muhammad, and Stan Randy: [shouting to the other side of the street] Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators. [huge group of gingers, all holding detonators] Lead Ginger: Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that that is still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume... Townspeople: Ohhhhhhh... Stan: Dude, we can't do that Lead Ginger: Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished! Scene Description: Back to Mr. Garrison's bedroom Mr. Hat: Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered! Mitch Conner: So you admit it. There was a cover up. [Mr. Garrison turns away] Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore! Mitch: Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know! Garrison: Alright, Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with. Cartman: By who? Goddammit, Garrison, who is my father? Scene Description: Flash to townspeople on the street, then flash to gingers on the street then flash to Mecha-Streisand roaring
Scene Description: CNN Conference Room. Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are standing behind their benches, debating. A loud applause is heard. Mitt: I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way. Rick: I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody. New: What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama. Ron: We faced something much much greater after World War II. [the camera pans to Stan, who is in the audience] We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs- Stan: Tango, Tango, I'm in position. Kyle: [offscreen] Copy, tango. Clear vantage point? Stan: It will have to do. We're not getting closer. Kyle: Alright, Butters. Bring it in. Butters: [going through a hallway with a trolley] Equipment is flying in, ten seconds. Kyle: Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman. Cartman: [in a wooden dark place with two wires on the ground] I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go. Scene Description: The conference room is shown again. The audience applauds as Stan looks around. The Secret Service agents are shown. Agent 1: We might have a problem. Agent 2: What's that? Agent 1: We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event. Agent 2: Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch! [raises his fists and walks away. The stage is shown through Stan's angle. Three other agents step on the stage.] Stan: I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this. [Butters takes a plate from the trolley, which has an iPhone on it, and walks to the left. Meanwhile Kenny comes from the opposite direction, taking the iPhone and passing it to Stan.] I got it. Agent 3: Hey, somebody is under the stage. Kyle: Go Cartman! [Cartman runs up and comes on the stage. He cheerfully pulls his shirt out near the nipple area. Stan takes a picture. Four agents come up to chase Cartman.] Scene Description: Outside the conference room. Butters, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run out. Butter: We got it. We got it! Stan: Go, go, go. Cartman: Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys. [The agents run after them.] Scene Description: The news Reporter: First, there was planking. [various images of people planking come up] People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. [a picture of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest] And after the Super Bowl by Bradying. [New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as well as an overweight man, both sitting on the ground with their legs straight out, hands clasped and looking down] But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [Cartman pulling out his shirt at the debate is shown, this time fullscreen] It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it. [A black boy pulling his red shirt, then a ginger boy with a cap doing the exact same thing with his grey-and-white sweatshirt] Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act. [L.A. Lakers player Kobe Bryant is shown pulling on his jersey. The news studio comes to view again.] But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys, along with the rest of the forth graders, are in a wooden room, being lectured by Professor Lamont. Lamont: I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire! [the children are listening to him, Cartman has a bored look] Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying. From football quarterback to football singer. Cartman: Oh, please. Bradying is so 2000 and late. Lamont: [lowers the projector screen] I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across. [turns the projector on to start the film] Scene Description: Warbly muzak is heard, as the film, 'BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING', begins. A man with an old style hair is sitting in a classroom with a outdated TV and a poster for the computer club which has a picture of an old computer. Speaker: For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called Tebowing [The caption TEBOWING appears in the middle of the screen]. Scene Description: Residential area. Two boys are walking towards a grassy area leading to the railroad tracks. One of the boys has an iPhone in his hands. Speaker: [offscreen] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous Tebowing can be. Ryan: Here is a good place. I'll do it right here. Barkley: I don't know, Ryan. You sure this is a good idea? [Ryan walks onto a railway] Ryan: Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second. How could I get hurt? [kneels down and puts his right elbow on his right knee, closing his eyes as well as pinching his nose bridge] Barkley: Okay, hold still. [puts up his iPhone. A train horn is heard.] What's that? Ryan: A traaain! AAAAAA! [Barkley and Ryan continue to scream and look around while staying in the same position. The train is still off in the distance.] Barkley: RYAN! Ryan: No, no! Nooo! Barkley: AAAA!!! Ryan: AAAA!!!No, no, no, no, noooo! Barkley: AAAA!!![The train finally comes at full force and hits Ryan, severing him in half and covering Barkley in blood.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters covers his face after seeing what just happened while the rest of the class is unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: Residential area. Barkley, covered in blood, stands at the railroad tracks and looks down in horror at Ryan's severed body Barkley: RYAN! Ryan: Learn from me.[dies] Scene Description: Secluded area, nighttime. A young couple is sitting in a parked car. Woman 1: This sure is a nice car, Tommy. [raises her iPhone] Would you like to get a picture of me Tebowing in it? Tommy: Sure. [gets the iPhone to take her picture. As the woman poses, the train's headlight appears in the distance and its horn is heard.] What is that? Woman 1: Oh my God! It's coming! Tommy: God, no! [he exits the car while she continues Tebowing inside, revealing that they parked on the railroad track] Aahh! No, no! Woman 1: [scared] Tommy, d-did you get the picture? Tommy: Oh no, wait! Hold on! [hurriedly presses on the iPhone, then gets ready to take the picture] Woman 1: Hurry, hurry! Tommy: AAAAA! [attempts to take the picture as the train comes closer] Woman 1: AAAAA! [The train finally comes at full force and crushes the car as Tommy runs off. Her bloody, severed head then lands onto a dirt field next to the track and her mouth opens, letting out an audible scream] Aaah! Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out in horror again while the rest of the class is still unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: A man wearing a yellow and red-stripped jacket and round sunglasses is looking upward and talking to his friend while holding an iPhone. Man 1: Be careful up there, Pete. Pete: [Tebowing on top of a wall with graffiti in a residential area] Just go on and take the picture. [the wall is suddenly destroyed by a train, killing Pete and knocking his friend down, before he quickly gets up and looks on in horror.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out and covers his face again. Cartman now looks bored, while the rest of the class is still unfazed. Butters: AAAA!!! Scene Description: The speaker in the old-fashioned classroom is shown. Speaker: These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs [puts his index and middle fingers up], bunny ears [raises his arm while keeping the previous gesture] and fake wiener [turns his body sideways, bends his left arm and leg] Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and Tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future, [a blue screen comes to view while the following words of the speaker gets typed] get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember- Scene Description: A photo of three teenagers from the 1980s standing outside under a tree is shown while the following lines are sung Singers: Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs! [A male teenager with a sweater and mustache puts his right middle and index fingers up in a V-shape] Bunny ears! [A female teenager smiles while putting her middle and index fingers in a V-shape behind the head of the previous male teenager] Fake wiener! [A male teenager wearing a neon colored windbreaker turns his body sideways and bends his left arm and leg] Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The fourth graders come out, almost all having concerned looks on their faces. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters walk together. Cartman: [yawns] Oh, God. That was boring. Kenny: (Totally!) Kyle: So, what do you want to do now? Cartman: Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there. Stan: Oh, that's a good idea. Butters: What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw? Cartman: Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation. Butters: Well, count me out. Kyle: You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you? Butters: Well, I'm scared. [Craig shows up] Craig: Hey, did you see today's newspaper? Cartman: Why would we look at a newspaper, retard? Craig: You guys made the front page. Cartman: Really? [the boys excitedly run, except for Butters] Scene Description: The boys run in a liquor store. Stan: Dude, we are on the front page! Cartman: Yes! Kenny: (Yeah, dude!) Stan: Can we get a different pose, please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper] Cartman: What's it say, what's it say? Stan: It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late. Cartman: What? Let me see that. [the newspaper has Cartman's pictured and a headline 'Faith Hilling so 2,000 late'] Kyle: How can that be? Already? Stan: [reads the newspaper] Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé. Kyle: How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade. Stan: [continues reading] "Faith Hilling is pretty stale," said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. "If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive." Cartman: Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that? Scene Description: Cartman's computer screen. Various people sitting on their bare butts with their hands down between their legs are shown. Cartman is in front of the computer, with Stan and Kyle on his both sides and Kenny behind him. Stan: That's all it is? [Kenny moves to the left-hand side] Cartman: You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog. [shows three other guys' pictures] Kyle: But that's stupid. [Kenny moves to the right-hand side] How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense. Cartman: I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage. [shows a couple of more pictures] This has to be stopped, you guys. Scene Description: Outside Café Monet, day. A boy is Taylor Swifting in front of the café. Two girls and a boy watch him as the boy pictures him with his iPhone. Boy 1: [giggles] Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move. [the iPhone screen is shown as Cartman photobombs while Faith Hilling.] Cartman: How is this Kyle? This good? [the boy moves away a bit. The other kids are stunned. The boys stand next to them, Kyle having an iPhone in his hands] Kyle: Yep, that's great. [glances at the other kids] Cartman: [continues moving as the other boy tries to get past him] Cool, these will be good uploads. Boy 2: Hey, what are you doing? Cartman: Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here? Boy 1: Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012. Stan: Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe. Boy 2: [starts to crawl away] Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else. [Cartman continues to cover his view] [to Cartman] Knock it off! Cartman: Why don't you make me? [the boy punches him, Cartman responds by hitting him on the ground. Stan and Kyle begin to punch Boy 1 while Kenny attacks the girls.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in the wooden classroom again. Professor Lamont brings in a box, then pulls a gun out of it. He loads it with a bullet while the fourth graders bewilderingly watch him. Lamont: Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe. [the boys glance at each other] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed! [puts the gun on Butters' desk] That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up. Butters: Oh, that's okay. I think... Lamont: Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and Hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point? Kids: Yes, sir. Lamont: Good. Now put the gun in your mouth. Butters: HA?! Lamont: Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [Butters hesitantly puts the gun in his mouth] Everybody take a good look. [points to Butters] This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIVE! [A hawk is heard offscreen. Two men enter the classroom.] Man 2: Professor Lamont, we need to talk. Lamont: I will be right back. [leaves the classroom] Scene Description: The gym. The two men are seated at a table, pulling out files out of their briefcases. Man 2: You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont. Lamont: Yes, what is this about? [puts his bag on the table] Man 3: We need your expertise, sir. Man 2: Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet? Lamont: Another species? What are you talking about? Man 3: We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... [types on his laptop] this. [turns around the laptop. Professor Lamont puts on his reading glasses to look at the screen, which shows various cats with breads around their heads.] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us. Lamont: They're evolving. Cats are evolving. [moves the cursor down to see more pictures] Man 3: Sorry? Lamont: There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt. Man 2: We're having a hard time following you here. Lamont: [opens a book] Look. In the 70s there was fonzing. [the book page has two people's pictures with their thumbs up] Which replaced the outdated mustaching. [a guy with his index finger above his lips] In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting. [people raising their fists up to the sky] But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s. [the Nazis doing their trademark salute] Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking. [an Ancient Egypt painting] Man 2: You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme? Lamont: [walks to the front] If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, [takes his glasses off] they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [dramatic music plays] Scene Description: The wooden classroom. The only person left there is Butters, who still has the gun in his mouth. He looks around for a moment, then looks down to the gun again. Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Mr. Kitty is sleeping over her cat tree. The boys come in, Cartman has a laptop in his hands, which shows a picture of Mr. Kitty cat breading. Cartman: Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this? [Mr. Kitty looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty. [closes his laptop and approaches Mr. Kitty] Bad Mr. Kitty. [Cartman hits Mr. Kitty with a stick. Mr. Kitty hisses, then paws at him.] Bad kitty! No more memeing! [walks away] Come on, guys. [the boys walk out of the room. Cartman turns his back to scold his cat again] Bad Mr. Kitty! Scene Description: The boys come out of Cartman's house. Stan: Well, I'm glad we took care of that. Kyle: Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now? Cartman: I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting. Stan: That's a cool idea Kenny: [sighs] (Oh, fuck it, dude.) [walks away] Kyle: W-what's the matter, Kenny? Kenny: (I don't know. That seems quite pointless.) Stan: What seems pointless? Kenny: (Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!) Kyle: Hey! [the boys approach Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright? Kenny: (Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!) Stan: No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap. Cartman: Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her. Scene Description: Breaking News. Reporter: Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson" on video before getting out of the way. Scene Description: A camera recording, showing a batting cage. A teenager comes in Boy 3: You ready, you ready? Boy 4: [offscreen] I'm recording, go. Boy 3: [the machine throws balls. The boy stands in front of them] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long- [gets hit by a ball] Boy 4: Larry! Reporter: This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety. Scene Description: A video of a black cat moaning. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Reporter: The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death. Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Stan crawls in, Taylor Swifting. Stan: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Boy 1: [his fellows are standing besides him. He has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way. Stan: [continues to crawl around] Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long- [he is confronted by Stan, Kyle and Kenny] Cartman: Dude, what's going on? Stan: Oh, hey, guys. How's it going? [hurriedly puts his pants on] Kyle: We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting? Boy 1: He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff. Stan: Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out. Cartman: Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name? Kyle: Benedict Arnold. [the three boys walk away] Stan: Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay? [the boys stop] You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back. [Kenny looks down] Kyle: Kenny? Kenny: [approaches Stan and the other boys] (I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?) Boy 1: If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home. [he and his friends walk away] Stan: You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt.] Kyle: You guys are sellouts. Cartman: [holds him] Come on, Kyle. Kyl: You're freaking sellouts! Cartman: It's okay, man, come on. Scene Description: An interrogation room. The two men from the gym stand behind Professor Lamont. Lamont: What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire? [the black cat is kept in a cage] Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Lamont: Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want? Cat: Oh Long Jeeea- Lamont: You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get! Cat: Oh oh oh. Scene Description: A news reporter speaking. Reporter 2: Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. [walks to a railway] A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it "reporting". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal. [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. [gets hit by the train] Scene Description: The wooden classroom, night. Butters is still sitting there with gun in his mouth, but now he's quite drowsy and barely keeps himself awake. Scene Description: Cartman is Faith Hilling in front of a Planned Parenthood Clinic. Kyle: [has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more. [Cartman raises his left hand a bit] Yeah, yeah freeze there. [a man comes into view with his little son] Little Boy: What are those boys doing, daddy? Dad: Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time. Little Boy: How droll. [The man and boy leave the scene. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment] Cartman: Get a couple facing the other way, brah. [turns the other way] Kyle: Yeah, good idea. [a doctor comes out of the clinic] Doctor: Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine. [giggles] Get it? [goes back to his clinic. A man with a car sounds his horn] Man 4: Go back to the 90s! Faggooots! Kyle: [approaches Cartman] We have to face it, Cartman. Cartman: I know. I know Kyle. [stops lifting his "nipples" up] Kyle: I really thought it was gonna last. Cartman: I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [starts crying] The sun hurts my eyes. [wipes away his tears] Kyle: It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean- Cartman: No, no. It was kind of stupid, really. Kyle: I-It's good that it became something else. Cartman: And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff. [both of them sigh] Scene Description: Breaking News. Reporter: Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people. Scene Description: The interrogation room. Ambassador: Hello. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Meow, meow. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Long Johnson. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Long Johnson. Cat: Oh- Oh Don Piano. Ambassador: Oh Don Piano. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Don Piaaano. Cat: Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson. Ambassador: Oh Lala Lionde. Oh Long John- Don Piano. Don Piaaaano. Scene Description: The ambassador comes out of the room. The two men and Professor Lamont is waiting him outside. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. [the ambassador closes the door] Ambassador: I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children. Scene Description: An iPhone screen, camera app on. Cartman pulls up Mr. Kitty, who now has a bread around his head. Stan: [has the iPhone in his hands, while Kyle and Kenny stand next to him] Okay, that's good, a little higher. Cartman: [he is doing a combination of Taylor Swifting and Cat Breading] Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good? Kyle: Yeah, that's awesome. Stan: OK, whenever you're ready. Mr. Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No, kitty, you have to be quiet. Mr. Kitty: Meow. Cartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty! [Boy 1 and his friends come over] Boy 1: Wow, what's this? Kyle: What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting. Stan: Alright, go Cartman. Cartman: [begins to crawl while holding Mr. Kitty] Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous! Girl 1: That's pretty cool. Stan: Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome. Kyle: It's super awesome. Cartman: Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time. Mr. Kitty: Meow, meow. Cartman: SHUT UP, KITTY! Scene Description: The conference room. A reporter is giving his speech. Reporter 3: With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it? [Rick, Mitt, Newt and the cat are standing behind their lecterns.] Mitt: W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago... Rick: If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect- Newt: To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Newt: I started working in the governor wing in 1974. Cat: [Rick and Newt talk] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano. Newt: I'm gonna say two things... Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Mitt: I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life. Cat: Oh Lalalonde. Newt: I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Rick: It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong- Stan: [the debate goes on. The camera pans to Stan, again in the audience] Fox trot standing by at position alpha. Kyle: Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango. Scene Description: Kenny is in the bathroom. He pulls out Mr. Kitty from the toilet tank. Kenny: (This is Tango. I have the goods.) Stan: Standing by in three seconds. Scene Description: Cartman is waiting behind a purple curtain. Kyle: Two, one. Go Cartman! Cartman: Let's do this. [he runs to the hallway, where Kenny hands him Mr. Kitty. He goes to the stage with Mr. Kitty, and pulls down his pants as Stan is ready to record him. He then stops, thinking.] Kyle: Cartman? Go, Cartman. Stan: Come on, dude. Hurry. Cartman: [softly] No. NOO! [puts his pants back on] I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this. [puts down Mr. Kitty] And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing. [he turns sideways and snaps his fingers a few times, then pulls up his shirt, Faith Hilling.] Kyle: [observing him though a computer] Yeah. Do it, Cartman. Cartman: [music begins to play] Alright, football night, what do you do? Get out your camera and a boobie or two. Stan: Wow! Cartman: We gotta get serious while we're in our prime. Man 5: Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good? Cartman: Come on everybody, It's Faith Hilling time. [the audience and Rick, Mitt and Newt join him] Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you? This is the only memeing I'll ever do. Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Cartman: Is a meme I will fight [Stan is joined by Kyle and Kenny in the audience. Butters is in the wooden classroom dancing to the song, yet still has the gun in his mouth] 'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die. Reporter 3: And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are- [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [gets hit by the train]
Monica Geller: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, right!...Y'serious? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! Rachel Green: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica Geller: Absolutely. Chandler Bing: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross Geller: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler Bing: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel Green: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey Tribbiani: ...Are we still talking about sex? Ross Geller: No, it's good, it is good, it's just that- mm- doesn't she seem a little angry? Marsha: Well, she has issues. Ross Geller: Does she. Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet! Ross Geller: Marsha, these are cave people. Okay? They have issues like 'Gee, that glacier's getting kinda close.' See? Marsha: Speaking of issues, isn't that your ex-wife? Ross Geller: No. No. Marsha: Yes, it is. Carol! Hi! Ross Geller: Okay, okay, yes, it is. How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age. Ross Geller: Hi. Carol Willick: So. Ross Geller: You look great. I, uh... I hate that. Carol Willick: Sorry. You look good too. Ross Geller: Ah, well, in here, anyone who... stands erect... So what's new? Still, uh... Carol Willick: A lesbian? Ross Geller: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family? Carol Willick: Marty's still totally paranoid. Oh, and, uh- Ross Geller: Why- why are you here, Carol? Carol Willick: I'm pregnant. Ross Geller: Pregnant?! Chandler Bing: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. Phoebe Buffay: ...Then I've already seen this one! Monica Geller: Are you through with that? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. Monica Geller: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler Bing: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... ...now I wish I was dead. Phoebe Buffay: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- -but, it's fine! Monica Geller: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have. Chandler Bing: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. Phoebe Buffay: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. Monica Geller: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. Chandler Bing: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Monica Geller: What? Chandler Bing: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! Everyone: Eeaagh! Rachel Green: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, it's beautiful. Rachel Green: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God... Phoebe Buffay: No, look, don't touch that! Rachel Green: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... Monica Geller: Easy Rach, we'll find it. Won't we! Joey Tribbiani: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last? Phoebe Buffay: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! Chandler Bing: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... Rachel Green: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Chandler Bing: ...Dinah? Rachel Green: Ohhhhh, don't be mad... Monica Geller: You didn't. Rachel Green: Oh, I am sorry... Monica Geller: I gave you one job! Rachel Green: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! Chandler Bing: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... Monica Geller: I just... can't do it. Chandler Bing: Boys? We're going in. Ross Geller: ...Hi. Monica Geller: Wow. That is not a happy hi. Ross Geller: Carol's pregnant. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! I found it! Monica Geller: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... Ross Geller: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. Chandler Bing: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? Rachel Green: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? Ross Geller: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. Phoebe Buffay: She is so great! I miss her. Monica Geller: What does she mean by 'involved'? Chandler Bing: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. Ross Geller: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. Rachel Green: So what are you gonna do? Ross Geller: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. Joey Tribbiani: ...Well, this is still ruined, right? Judy Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. Mmm! What's that curry taste? Monica Geller: Curry. Judy Geller: Mmmm! Ross Geller: I- I think they're great! I, I really do. Ross Geller: Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she? Judy Geller: They all had a thing for him. Ross Geller: Aw, Mom... Monica Geller: I'm sorry, why is this girl going to call me? Judy Geller: Oh, she just graduated, and she wants to be something in cooking, or food, or... I don't know. Anyway, I told her you had a restaurant- Monica Geller: No Mom, I don't have a restaurant, I work in a restaurant. Judy Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... Monica Geller: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please? Ross Geller: Yeah. Judy Geller: Oh, we're having spaghetti! That's... easy. Monica Geller: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me. Judy Geller: What that Rachel did to her life... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well. Ross Geller: I'm not gonna tell you what they spent on that wedding... but forty thousand dollars is a lot of money! Judy Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar... Monica Geller: What's that supposed to mean? Judy Geller: Nothing! It's an expression. Monica Geller: No it's not. Ross Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent, and you always have been! Even when you were a kid... and you were chubby, and you had no friends, you were just fine! And you would read alone in your room, and your puzzles... Ross Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. Ross Geller: ...And I read about these women trying to have it all, and I thank God 'Our Little Harmonica' doesn't seem to have that problem. Monica Geller: So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks? Ross Geller: Okay! Okay. Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. Judy Geller: And you knew about this?! Joey Tribbiani: Your folks are really that bad, huh? Ross Geller: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done. Monica Geller: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- -I'd want yours. Ross Geller: Must pee. Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. Rachel Green: You're twins? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type. Chandler Bing: What does she do? Phoebe Buffay: She's a waitress. Rachel Green: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. Monica Geller: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this. Chandler Bing: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred. Rachel Green: The lights, please.. Ross Geller: ...How long was I in there? Rachel Green: I'm just cleaning up. Ross Geller: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help? Rachel Green: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! Ross Geller: Anyway.. um.. So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? Rachel Green: Oh.. a little.. Ross Geller: Mm-hmm.. Rachel Green: A lot. Ross Geller: Mm. Rachel Green: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped? Ross Geller: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN... Rachel Green: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated? Ross Geller: Got me. Rachel Green: Remember when we were in high school together? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? ..Ross? Ross Geller: Yes, yes! Rachel Green: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. Ross Geller: Me either... Ross Geller: Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway. Susan Bunch: Hi. Carol Willick: Ross, you remember Susan. Ross Geller: How could I forget? Susan Bunch: Ross. Ross Geller: Hello, Susan. Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...? Carol Willick: Dr. Oberman. Ross Geller: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- Susan Bunch: She. Ross Geller: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? Carol Willick: Yes, and she's very supportive. Ross Geller: Okay, that's great. No, I'm- Oh. Carol Willick: Thanks. Ross Geller: Quack, quack.. Carol Willick: Ross? That opens my cervix. Rachel Green: Barry? Barry Farber: C'mon in. Rachel Green: Are you sure? Barry Farber: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. Robbie: Huh?! Barry Farber: So, how ya doin? Rachel Green: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great! Barry Farber: Yeah, well.. Bernice: Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging. Barry Farber: Be right there. Be back in a sec. Rachel Green: I dumped him. Robbie: Okay. Ross Geller: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like, important decisions have to be made? Carol Willick: Give me a 'for instance'. Ross Geller: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name? Carol Willick: Marlon- Ross Geller: Marlon?! Carol Willick: -if it's a boy, Minnie if it's a girl. Ross Geller: ...As in Mouse? Carol Willick: As in my grandmother. Ross Geller: Still, you- you say Minnie, you hear Mouse. Um, how about, um.. how about Julia? Carol Willick: Julia.. Susan Bunch: We agreed on Minnie. Ross Geller: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..? Barry Farber: Sorry about that. So. What have you been up to? Rachel Green: Oh, not much. I-I got a job. Barry Farber: Oh, that's great. Rachel Green: Why are- why are you so tanned? Barry Farber: Oh, I, uh- I went to Aruba. Rachel Green: Oh no. You went on our honeymoon alone? Barry Farber: No. I went with, uh.. Now, this may hurt. Robbie: Me?! Barry Farber: No! I went with Mindy. Rachel Green: Mindy?! My maid of honour, Mindy?! Barry Farber: Yeah, well, uh, we're kind of a thing now. Rachel Green: Oh! Well, um.. You've got plugs! Barry Farber: Careful! They haven't quite taken yet. Rachel Green: And you've got lenses! But you hate sticking your finger in your eye! Barry Farber: Not for her. Listen, I really wanted to thank you. Rachel Green: Okay.. Barry Farber: See, about a month ago, I wanted to hurt you. More than I've ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. And I'm an orthodontist. Rachel Green: Wow. Barry Farber: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit. Rachel Green: What? Robbie: Me. Rachel Green: Anyway, um, I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me. Barry Farber: Well, thank you for giving it back. Robbie: Hello?! Susan Bunch: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? Ross Geller: Helen Geller? I don't think so. Carol Willick: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. Ross Geller: Thank you! Carol Willick: No, I mean it's not Geller. Ross Geller: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? Carol Willick: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch. Ross Geller: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title? Susan Bunch: It's my baby too. Ross Geller: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. Susan Bunch: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is! Carol Willick: All right, you two, stop it! Ross Geller: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too. Carol Willick: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse. Ross Geller: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. Susan Bunch: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way! Ross Geller: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do- Dr. Oberman: Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea? Everyone: Yeah. Yeah. A little. Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. Uh, lie back.. Ross Geller: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now. Ross Geller: Oh my God. Susan Bunch: Look at that. Carol Willick: I know. Ross Geller: Well? Isn't that amazing? Joey Tribbiani: What are we supposed to be seeing here? Chandler Bing: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. Phoebe Buffay: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. Ross Geller: Then don't do that, alright? Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Ross Geller: Monica. Whaddya think? Monica Geller: Mm-hmm. Ross Geller: Wh- are you welling up? Monica Geller: No. Ross Geller: You are, you're welling up. Monica Geller: Am not! Ross Geller: You're gonna be an aunt. Monica Geller: Oh shut up! Rachel Green: Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot. Kevin: But the coffee in Peru is much hotter. [Erin buzzes him into the office] Dwight: Last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. My first project: increase security. I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business. Now they're protecting America's real treasure, paper. Every morning I email the day's security codes. Something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes. It's not the KGB, but it's a start. Erin: The tea in Nepal is very hot. Dwight: But the coffee in Peru is far hotter. Erin: Close. Dwight: This is Tuesday, right? The coffee in Paraguay is far hotter? Erin: Colder. Dwight: The coffee in Paraguay is colder? Erin: No, I meant you're getting colder. The correct response is, 'the coffee in Peru is much hotter.' Dwight: Ah, much, ok. Erin: But, that's three wrong, so I gotta give you the steam. [Dwight begins to protest] Unless you want me to break protocol? Dwight: No, no. Give me the steam. Dwight: It's just harmless steam to panic intruders. I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd. Dwight: [while getting steamed] Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol! Creed: [carrying in clothes on hangers] Oh, I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning. Philip: Mama! Oscar: Angela, someone wants you. Angela: Ok, coming. Hi, baby. Oscar: Angela's divorce from the senator has been very difficult for her. When she got kicked out of her apartment, I invited her to move in with me. Ironic that it's Angela who's living in the closet. Hey-o. Oscar: Saddle shoes. With denim? I will literally call child services. Esther: Go get 'em, honey. Dwight: Oh, don't worry. They'll get got. Dwight: Manager of Dunder Mifflin? Check. Owner of a 1600-acre beet farm? Check. Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid? Check' on that later today. This is my grandmother's ring. It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock. She was a moonshiner shot by Adolph Coors. This is my grandmother's buttock bullet ring. Andy: Hello, good morning. My name is Andrew Bernard. You might know me from a TV documentary that's premiering tonight. I also killed it in local theater and I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick. Check-in guy: Ok, thanks. Go ahead and get in the back of the line. Andy: Yes! Andy: Well, burned all my bridges at Dunder Mifflin, and time to become the next American Idol. By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation. On channel TBD. It's a really cool show, it's like a revision of the whole American Idol, Voice, Sing-Off phenomenon. On this show, all three judges are mean! Jim: Sales form for you to sign. Dwight: You know what to do. [waits for Jim to put form in inbox, signs it and returns it to outbox] Ok Dwight: Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager, and I have chosen one of the best. Jim: Aw, thanks, man. Dwight: Once upon a time we were natural enemies, but we've overcome our differences. Much like Germany and Italy in World War' Jim: No. Dwight: Good call. Together we run a no-nonsense office. Jim: Pre-conference room meeting with Dwight went really well. Pam: Oh, bodes well for the post-conference room meeting. Jim: All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [phone chimes] Uh, okay. Pam: Is that them again? Jim: Yeah. Pam: Maybe you should call back? Jim: I will. I will. Jim: The guys at Athlead are still bugging me about this three month roadshow thing. Meeting athletes on their home turf, building relationships. Yeah, it sounds exciting. But I said no, and that's final. I almost lost Pam over this business. I'm not risking that again. Pam: When Jim decided to come back to Scranton full-time, I was relieved, but I also feel a little guilty. I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me. But he seems happy. I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot. I love goofy Jim. Dwight: Welcome. Jim: He welcomes you. Dwight: Please take an agenda item. Jim: Your agenda-taking pleases him. Dwight: Have a seat, Phyllis. There we go. As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote. 'Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try.' [buzzer sound] That is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure. Jim, over to you. Jim: Let's not get crazy and ruin our no-nonsense streak, all right? So, for instance, if you're expecting a fax today, please don't yell out, 'Michael J. Fax from Fax to the Future.' Ok? That's nonsense. Pam: Question. Jim: Yes, beautiful girl in the front. Pam: We are expecting a water delivery today at 10am. What if, as they're delivering the water jugs, someone screams out, 'Nice jugs'? Jim: That's obviously nonsense. Nonsense. And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office? Everyone: [overlapping] Zero. No nonsense. You can't have nonsense. Dwight: [as Angela enters with Phillip] What is going on? Angela: Daycare won't take Phillip anymore. Oscar: Why? Angela: Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive. So, hi. Oscar: Hi, buddy. Dwight: Ok. Um, new agenda item. Phillip will be joining us in the office today. Jim: Gotta write that down. Ok, big day today. Airing of the documentary. Who's excited? Meredith: I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose. I've been on my best behavior for nine years. If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap. Stanley: Over the course of this documentary I've had three affairs. If you find my body in a ditch, let me save the police some trouble: my wife did it. Dwight: I'm letting you all off half an hour early to view the documentary. So you can make it up to me by working an extra half an hour tomorrow, or a minute extra for the rest of the month. Kevin: Ooh, announcement! Some of us whose televisions got broken during an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial will be watching tonight at Poor Richard's. But note, all are welcome, not just those whose saw an all-you-can-eat shrimp commercial and charged their televisions. Oscar: I can't believe the doc is finally going to air. When this thing started, I was still having sex with women. As was Kevin, I believe. Creed: This airs tonight? Oh my god. If my parents see this, I am toast. Andy: This is really huge. This is like the March on Washington but for a singing show. Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here? And sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' from Les Mis? With that baritone? That would be historic. Casey: Whoo-hoo! Casey Dean! Cincinnati, Ohio! [singing] Doctor, doctor, gimme the news, I got a great Casey Dean for you. Andy: No! Casey: America wants it! Andy: No, this is my time! You don't belt on my time! I belt on my time. Casey: [singing] Casey Dean! Andy: [vocalizing over her] Casey Dean! Casey: Man, those are some nice pipes. Andy: Yeah. Casey: What's your name? Andy: Andy. What's yours? Angela: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Oscar: Why didn't you pack the apple snacks? Kevin: Guys. Angela: Because whenever I pack the bag, you say I do it wrong. Kevin: Guys. Angela: Why don't you pack it? Kevin: Guys. Angela & Oscar: Kevin, what? Kevin: Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says 'bold front' instead of 'cold front'? It's insane. Angela: Not now, Kevin. Can't you see we're busy? Phillip needs his apple snacks. Oscar: Seriously, Kevin. I'm just gonna have to go to the store. Angela: Ok, you go to the store. Kevin: Philllip, Phillip, Phillip. It's all about Phillip. I hate Phillip. Dwight: Not now! Private time! Jim: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy' Dwight: Hey, hey! Seriously? [holds up Battlestar Galactica model box] Jim: My god, I'm so sorry. Well this might make up for it: I think I have found an enormous source of overlooked PFN. Dwight: Which is, of course' Jim: Potential future nonsense. Dwight: Yes, good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time. Now, hurry up, shut the door. Break it down for me. Jim: I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile. You've got a regional manager. Dwight: The power source. Jim: Obviously, the assistant to the regional manager. Dwight: A loyal, but bungling apostle. Jim: But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager? Dwight: Someone to whisper in the ear of the consigliore. Jim: Exactly. Dwight: I'd have to get some more wire and string, but it's doable. Do you think any of them out there are capable? Jim: Yeah, right. I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests. Dwight: I like the sound of that. Who do you have in mind? Jim: Well, I know this sounds crazy, but how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table? Dwight: That doesn't sound crazy, Jim. That's the sanest thing I've ever heard. Casey: What're you listening to? Andy: Hmm? Um, uh, locking in my starting note. A 440. Casey: Oh, sweet. Andy: A cappella is all about pitch, and I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch. Mark McGrath: What's up, everybody? And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Singing Sensation! Casey: Ah! It's Mark McGrath! Oh my god! You're gorgeous! Mark McGrath: Thank you, thank you so much. And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys within the next five to seven hours. Now, just to give you a couple parameters of the show, each of you will sing a song for thirty seconds, after which our judges will decide if they want you in their a cappella group. Now, each group will start with 90 singers, which will compete in a series of singing and physical challenges. Oh, and look out for that pesky mole! Andy: There's a mole? Mark McGrath: Oops. I'm not supposed to'I'm not supposed to say that. All right, no mole. Forget I said it, all right? Andy: What mole? What are you talking about? I already forgot about it. Mark McGrath: Good man right there. I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right? Andy: Yeah! Pour some Sugar Ray on me! Casey: What? On a roll much? Andy: I don't know where it came from. Casey: That was amazing, man! Andy: Yeah. Yeah, it felt good. It felt funny. Casey: Yeah, you made a personal connection with him. Andy: I did, I felt it. Casey: Big time. Pam: What are you so excited about? Jim: Nothing. Pam: What are you up to? Jim: Members of the office, hear ye. Dwight: That means ye, Plop! Pete: Plop? Still? Dwight: We owe Andy that much. Am I right people? Pete: Fine. Jim: Today we will be testing candidates for the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager. Erin: Aw, heck ya! Pam: Nice. Dwight: You'll always have the upper hand, when you've got a good a-arm. Trademark pending. Jim: This is not an excuse to blow off work doing carnival-like activities. Sure, every participant will be getting a corndog, but that's for fueling only. No savoring. Dwight: Wow, the honor. God, I envy them. Jim: He envies you. Dwight: You don't need to repeat right now, when I'm saying it. Jim: Alright. Jim: By 2:00, Dwight will chose himself to be assistant to his own assistant, me. Darryl: What up? Glenn: What's going on? How was the delivery? Darryl: Delivered all my furniture to Philly. Hey, keep it down, though. Nobody knows I'm here. Darryl: I hate goodbyes, so last week, when I left Dunder Mifflin for good, I pulled the old Irish Exit. Just slipped out without making a big deal. No hard feelings. No feelings at all. Jim: A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking before they even think it. Meredith, what number am I thinking of right now? Meredith: Uh, two. Jim: 985,000,000,000,017.00 Dwight: Not even close, Meredith. Come on! Jim: Okay, Pam. What song is running through my head right now? Pam: Theme song from Saved by the Bell. Jim: Oh, my god! It was the theme song to Boy Meets World. Dwight: Wait, no, no, no, stop. Spouses can read each other's minds. You're trying to give your wife this job. Jim: That's exactly what I was doing. Plop, what animal am I picturing? Pete: A horse. Jim: Ew, the exact opposite, actually. Pete: What's the opposite of a horse? Jim: Come on. Jim & Dwight: Sea horse. Jim: Whoa. How did you know that I was gonna' Jim & Dwight: Say that? Uncanny. Jim: Challenge number two, protocol. Clark? Clark: Yeah. Jim: Do you want a corn dog? Clark: I would love a corn dog. Jim: We'll see. You are an assistant who's just gotten a phone message. I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece. Uh-oh, look who came to join us. The Turkish ambassador to Armenia, Yuri Slovak, who, by the way, is extremely embarrassed about the size of his nose. Go ahead and read that phone message. Clark: [reading] Mr. Halpert, your wife called to find out how your meeting with Yuri Big Nose went.' Dwight: No, no, no, no! You don't read it aloud like that! God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question. There's no Turkish ambassador to Armenia. The two countries don't have diplomatic relations. Jim: Uncanny. Soldier: I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan see me win, they'll feel like anything is possible. Andy: Great, more screen time for the war vet. All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes gaga for you. Casey: Over at the porta-potties, they were interviewing a homeless, single mother with three kids. Andy: What? Casey: Yeah. Andy: Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit? Or is it a show about singing? Casey: I don't know. But I'm getting really worried here. Andy: Me too. Hold my place in line. Casey: Where are you going? Andy: They want feel-good stories? Wait until they get a good feel of me. Darryl: Thanks, man. Hank: Thank you. Darryl: Yep. Take care. Pam: Darryl, hey. Darryl: Hey. Pam: Cool, are you coming back to say hi? Darryl: No, no, I'm not here actually. These donuts are part of my escape from the guys at the warehouse I didn't say goodbye to. Pam: Aha. How's Athlead? Darryl: We livin' like rock stars. I'm about to eat free steaks with my sports heroes in 32 different cities. Pam: Wow. Darryl: Jim really doesn't want to come? Pam: He says he doesn't want to. Darryl: Wow. Man. I hope he doesn't regret it. Pam: Well, he seems really happy being back here at Dunder Mifflin. Darryl: Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin? Pam: That's what he says. Darryl: If you say so. Hey, good seeing you. Remember, I was never here. All right, then. Jim: An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity. But an assistant to the assistant has a thousand times more to prove, am I right? Dwight: A thousand times more. Phyllis: I'll try this one. Jim: Phyllis! Grab both these coffees, double-fist it, and head through this obstacle course. Phyllis: [grabbing the coffee] Hot! Jim: Yeah. It's real. It's the only way you'll learn. OK, and go ahead. [Phyllis carefully makes her way through the obstacle course] Oh, god, nice! She's through the green, everybody. Here comes yellow, real doozy. Careful! Dwight: [over Jim] No, no, no! Phyllis, seriously? Jim: Look at that form. Dwight: [running over and taking the coffee cups from Phyllis] Oh, god, this is pathetic! The boss needs his coffee! [races through obstacles, spilling coffee] Augh! Ah! Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee! Ah, my skin, ow, ow! It burns! Ah! Jim: Uncanny. [everyone applauds] Erin: Darryl?! Darryl! Kevin: Whoa. Darryl: Oh, hey. Hey, what's up, y'all? Erin: You left us without saying goodbye. Darryl: Oh, my bad. Goodbye, everybody. Meredith: Hey! No way! Kevin: That's totally uncool. Erin: Are you kidding? You broke our hearts. Get upstairs. Darryl: I don't think I sh- Erin: Get upstairs, mister! Meredith: Yeah! Kevin: Right. Now. Darryl: Guess I'm going upstairs. Jim: You know, Dwight, this whole search for the assistant thing'none of these people are good enough. Dwight: I know. Jim: What I'm about to say makes no logical sense, and yet, it might be the most logical thing I've ever said. Dwight: Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise but I know exactly what you are going to say. The only possible assistant to my assistant- Jim: Is- Dwight: Me. Jim: The new assistant to the assistant to the regional manager is Dwight K. Schrute. Dwight: Yes! [weak applause] Thank you. Jim: I think you might want to kneel for this. And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no one. [Dwight awkwardly squats] That's it. You look really, really good. Dwight: Okay, from now on, anyone who needs to speak to me has got to go through me first, all right? Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: You all right? What's going on? Pam: Are you happy? Jim: Yes, I'm happy. Pam: No, I know that you're, like, happy and, like, you had fun today. Jim: Yeah. Pam: And that was fun. But what about a year from now? Jim: What? Pam: What about five years from now? Jim: Pam. Pam: Because I'm so glad you're back, baby, but I'm just'I was talking to Darryl, and he was talking about the trip, and I just feel like you're giving up so much. Jim: This was my decision, not yours. Pam: Okay. Jim: You didn't force me. Pam: I kind of forced you to do it. Jim: You did not force me to do this. Pam: Yes, I did. Jim: I don't know how else to tell you. Pam: I'm afraid that you're gonna resent me and I'm afraid that' Jim: Resent you? Pam: This is not enough for you and I'm afraid that I'm not enough for you. Jim: Is that really what you think? Jim: Not enough? I don't know how else to explain it to her, so, you know what? I know it's against the rules but I'm gonna need a favor from you guys. Camera Crew: Okay. You got it, man. Darryl: I didn't realize we were this close. Phyllis: We're all a little hormonal with the doc airing. Meredith: Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight? Darryl: Uh' yeah. Depending on traffic. Stanley: He ain't coming. Erin: Oh, god! Darryl: These dudes are definitely in a weird mood. Picked the wrong day to return a truck. Darryl: Well, it's been great. Phyllis: Eleven years. A guy is in your life for 11 years and then he's gone for who knows how long. Darryl: Maybe forever. Anyhow' Oscar: Did we ever have lunch together, just'just the two of us? You know what, I'm gonna make reservations right now at Cugino's. Meredith: Question for Darryl. Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van? Darryl: Oh, oh, I'm sure we did. Meredith: Nah, I call one hour van time with Darryl. Clark: Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories, just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours and just see what we get. Erin: Listen guys, we can do it all. We just have to divide Darryl's next 12 hours into 90-minute segments. I will go watch an eHow video on how to use Excel, and then we'll get this started. Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Okay, I made the mistake of sneaking out of here and that's on me. But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here doing stuff with you cause you're feeling sentimental. Meredith: You have to! [everyone grumbling] Darryl: Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all. Phyllis: Which thing? Darryl: I don't care, choose amongst yourselves. Not the van though. Angela: Kevin, Kevin. Kevin: Oh, you know my name. Well, that is shocking. [continues making noise] Angela: Kevin, could you not do that? Kevin: What? I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work. Oscar: Here, use my pen. Kevin: Don't tell me what to do! Angela & Oscar: Shhh! Kevin: No, I don't need this! And you obviously don't need me. Angela: Kevin, where are you going? Kevin: Away. Tell Phillip that his stupid little baby wish came true. Oscar: He just won't go down. It's as if he's excited by all this paper. Angela: I know. Earlier today he tried to eat some of the 24-weight letter bond. Dwight: Smart baby. That's the most flavorful bond. Andy: Hey, what's goin' on over here? Some sort of singing competition for the young'uns? Casey: You're back! Andy: No, it's me, Andy! Casey: No, I know. Andy: No, no, no. I'm wearing makeup. Casey: You did a really great job. You even look shorter. Andy: Oh, I took out my lifts. Casey: Oh. Andy: Yeah, unlike Andy Bernard, this character is my real height. Casey: Oh. Esther: All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens. Get the sheep baa-ed. Oink the pigs. Dwight: Oink the pigs, that is very important. [watching Phillip] Esther: Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things that ma said after the horse kicked her in the head. Where are you? Dwight? Dwight: The way that boy looks at the Galactica is precisely the way I look at the Galactica. And he eats the same kind of paper I do. Hmm. Dwight: [puts his grandmother's ring away] Thank you, Esther. Esther: Bye. Jim: You threw the summoning bag at me, sir? Dwight: I need you to perform a test. Jim: Perform a test. Dwight: On an innocent baby. Jim: Ooh, I like where this is going. Unfortunately I have a lot of work today so I'm gonna have to hand this off to my number two. But, don't worry, he's the best in the biz. Dwight: Damn straight. Jim: Unless you think he can't handle it. Dwight: Hey, he can handle it. Jim: All right. Oscar: [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? Stanley: I heard that. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. Pam: He does have a gift. Oscar: Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before? Dwight: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called 'Schrute or Consequences.' You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet? Phillip: Beet. Dwight: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes. Check-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions. People in line: Oh come on! Hey! Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Check-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa' Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting. Check-in guy: Okay. Andy: I am going in there! Don't' Check-in guy: No, you're not, sir. Andy: Don't'don't' Check-in guy: Please don't. Andy: Don't touch me. Check-in guy: I'm not touching you. Okay? [Andy makes a break for it] Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get'I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me! Oscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple. Dwight: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. Kevin: He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck. Andy: [interrupting contestant singing 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera] Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank god. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever. Santigold: What is this? Andy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart. Aaron Rodgers: No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on. Andy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that. Clay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing. Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye. Andy: Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern. Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play. Andy: That's'that's what'yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater' Santigold: What is this song? Andy: Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song. Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested. Andy: You didn't let me finish. That's not fair. Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough. Andy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay? Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this? Andy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly' Santigold: Look, you gotta go. [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] You can't just sit here and cry. Andy: Oh I can so just sit here and cry! Jim: [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you. Oscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy? Kevin: Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored? Oscar: Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something. Angela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. Oscar: I think there's, like, $7 left. Angela: It's just his way of saying, 'Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting.' Kevin: Phillip got this for me? Oscar: Sure. Kevin: That was a really cool move. Angela: Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That's Kevin. Kevin: Whoa. Oscar: Easy. Kevin: What a chubbers. Whoa. Angela: Okay, watch it. Kevin: I'm losing my balance. Angela: No, Kevin, no. Oscar: Hey, no. Kevin: Whoa! Oscar: No horseplay. Angela: Stop it. Kevin: You wanna play with the cactus? Angela: No, no! Kevin: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you. Erin: We have our decision. Darryl: You chose one thing? Erin: We want to dance with you. Darryl: You want to dance? Erin: One dance, all of us together. Darryl: This is what you want? Erin: Absolutely. Darryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, cause we're gonna do this right. Erin: Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer] Angela: Hey. You wanted to see me? Dwight: Door. Chair. It's about Phillip. Angela: I am sorry he's here today but I had' Dwight: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal. Angela: How thoughtful. Dwight: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet. Angela: If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son. Dwight: Very well. Angela: Can I go back to my desk now? Dwight: Yes. Pam: What is this? Jim: Well I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help. Dwight: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red. Jim: OK, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so. Dwight: [throws 'now' beanbag at Jim] Now. Jim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip. Dwight: Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you. Pam: Go ahead. Jim: Ok, um, this is' [leaves DVD with her]'I'll be right back. Jim: What do we got? Dwight: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today. Jim: Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step. Dwight: She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest. Jim: Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy. Dwight: Plus her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm. Jim: [whistles] That's a lot of pros. Dwight: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up. Jim: So what is the problem? Dwight: Angela. Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation. Dwight: Some sort of virus? Jim: Love. Dwight: Oh. Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have. Dwight: You're a good assistant, Jim. Jim: Not as good as you. Dwight: That's very true. Get the hell outta here. Jim: You got it. Jim: You watched it. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives her the Christmas card] Pam: What's that? Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. [Pam reads the card] Not enough for me? You are everything. Pam: Thank you. Erin: Ok, everybody ready? Phyllis: Hit it, red! ['Boogie Wonderland' by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office] Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys. Oscar: Ok, I've got my' Meredith: See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right? Oscar: All right, Meredith. Angela: Okay, bye. Oscar: See you there. Kevin: Bye, Phillip. High five. Oscar: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour. Angela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off? Oscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up. Angela: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye! Oscar: Oh, my goodness. Dwight: [in bullhorn] Pull over! Angela: Dwight? Dwight: Move to the side of the road! Angela: Why? Dwight: Pull over! Angela: What do you'Dwight! [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over] Angela: [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem! Dwight: [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman! Angela: Who drives like that? Dwight: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you! Angela: Can you put that down? Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you. Angela: It's too loud. Dwight: [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites. Angela: Okay, yes'yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you! Dwight: I love you! Angela: And I lied to you. Dwight: What? Angela: Phillip's your son. Dwight: What? Why would you say that' Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Dwight: [excited] Get out! I'm a dad! Angela: You're a dad! Creed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Oh! Erin: You have to change the channel to PBS. Kevin: Yeah. Bartender: College baseball is on. Erin: But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it. Bartender: What's it about? Erin: A paper company. Bartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Sorry. Tie means I do nothing. Kevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. Andy: One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers] Bartender: All right. Kevin: Yes! Clark: Hey, how was the singing show audition? Andy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal. Creed: Ok, thirty seconds to showtime! Kevin: I feel scared a little. Phyllis: Yeah, I'm not ready for this. Stanley: No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is. Oscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same. Jim: Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of 'Pilot']
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The farm is decked out for Halloween. In the living room, Randy brings out more Halloween decorations. Sharon is working on her laptop, Stan is busy on his phone Randy: [dances in with a Jack O'Lantern] It's the most wonderful time of the year. [puts it on the table] Well? You all excited, gang? Stan: For Halloween? I guess so. Randy: Ugh, this isn't any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween special. It's big promotional thing. Everyone's gonna love it. Hey, wuh-where's Shelly? Sharon: Shelly hasn't come out of her room in two days. Randy: Why? Sharon: [angrily] You know why, Randy. Randy: [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [Sharon glances at him] Scene Description: Shelly's room, later. Her door is open, and Randy walks in Randy: Hey, Shelly? Can I talk to you for a minute? Shelly: What do you want? Randy: Come on, kiddo. [sits on her bed and motions for her to sit next to him] Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelly leaves her desk to sit on the bed] Shelly, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it? Shelly: I hate marijuana! Randy: Yes, we all know, but ugh, why? Shelly: It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are! Randy: Shelly, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed? Shelly: Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead! Randy: Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world? Shelly: Serena Williams Randy: Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match. Shelly: No she's not! Randy: You don't know that, Shelly! Now you're just making assumptions! Shelly: Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again! Randy: [gasps and stands up] Shelly! [begins to pace the room] Okay, loook. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay?? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you! [leaves and closes the door] Scene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit at the Denver Museum, day. A shadow appears, followed by the person casting it: Butters Butters: [looks around] Whoa. Very impressive. [strokes his chin] Indeed. [walks up to a plaque and reads it with a loupe] Stephen: [lookin gon with Linda] Find anything good, Butters/ Butters: One minute, Dad! Archeologist Butters just needs to get his stamp and sticker for his autograph book. [gets a sticker of Baster and a stamp] Aha! another rare find! Stephen: Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang? Butters: Well wait wait, we can't leave yet! I got all the stickers and tamps except for one! Stephen: Well I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit. Butters: Can I just check around one last time? Stephen: Alright, Archeologist Butters, but then meet us back right here. Butters: Well o-kay! Scene Description: An Egyptian funeral ship. A guide is explaining its varioys aspects Guide: What you're seeing here are original knots which were joined in the main pieces of the Khufu boat. The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope, a technique used until- Randy: Whoa! Whoa! Wait just one second! Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis [Shelly looks at him], was actually used by he ancient Egyptians? [strikes a pondering pose] Guide: Well yes. In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties as well. Randy: Hold the freaking phone! You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries-? Shelly: Is this why you brought me here? Randy: No, I d-, I'm just, I'm surprised that- Shelly: You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter. You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect. Randy: And, and it is, Shelly. We're havin' a great time! Shelly: I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! [runs off in anger] Randy: [noticing the stares, stands up] She has a marijuana problem. Shelly! [runs after her] Scene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit, at the same time. Butters retraces his steps Butters: Been there... Saw that... Where's that stupid last sticker stamp? [sees a hallway he missed earlier] What's this? [he sees something ahead of him that excites him and runs to it. The sarcophagus of Took-tan Ra] Butters: Whoa... [gets to the exhibit and reads through his loupe] "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker! [gets ready to stamp his sticker book...] Jud: [interrupting] That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book. Butters: But this is my last one! Jud: It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book. Butters: [looks at his sticker book] Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off happily. He doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister! Jud: [watching him go] For some of us, maybe. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. In the barn, Randy paces back and forth while talking to Towelie. Randy: It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter. I took her to a laser show, I played her all of Dark Side Of The Moon, but... it's like... it's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it! Towelie: That's awful, Randy. I'm sorry. Randy: It's just- I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore. Towelie: No, you're right You're totally right. Randy: So, anyway, hey. How's the Halloween Special comin' along? Towelie: The Halloween Special? Oh it's ready. Randy: It's ready? Towelie: Yeah, it's right over here. [shows Randy the way to the new plants] Randy: O-ho wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it. Towelie: Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush. Turned out really great, I think. Randy: [inhales the aroma] Oh, wow, that is nice! I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special. Scene Description: Butters' house, night. He's asleep in his bedroom, on his right side. He flips over to his left side, and the stamp begins to glow. Something goes thump and Butters sits up, wide awake. He hears a knock Butters: M-Mon? [two knocks] ...Dad? [the door bursts open and a mummy walks in. Butters screams as the mummy trashes the room. The mummy then grabs Butters... and hugs him. Butters calms down] A little... Why. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh that's okay. [softly] That's okay. There you go. [the mummy lets go and sits on the bed next to him, presenting him with a gift] Form, for me? Oh, thank you. [takes the gift and opens it] Oh wow! A Fitbit! [the mummy murmurs something] Why thank you. Thank you. I... actually already have a Fitbit, but I could- Mummy: Huh?! Butters: I could give this one to a friend. [the mummy growls and stands up angrily] I just... I have one, so... [the mummy goes into a rage and finishes trashing the room, then just turns around and leaves] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen, night. Shelly is cooking up a strange brew on a hot plate in her room. Shelly: Furniture polish, paint thinner and bleach.Ammonia and antifreeze. One tablespoon each.I hate everybody, I just like to read.Everyone's stupid. They smoke too much weed.So with this eldritch potion and these ancient wordsI make my revenge upon all the turds.[she adds a lot more bleach and continues to stir] Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's eating Frankenberry cereal breakfast in the kitchen when he hears two knocks and gets alarmed. He leaves the kitchen to go to the front door. He opens the door and two officers stand outside Officer Brown: Butters Stotch? Butters: Yes sir? Officer Brown: We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night. Butters: what... happened in town? Officer: People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could. Butters: [nervous] Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird. Officer Brown: Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night. Butters: What?? The mummy talked to you?? Officer: Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy [reads his report] "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"? Butters: There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend. Officer Brown: A present that the mummy got for you? Butters: I, I just goh- Officer Brown: You can see how that could be pretty hurtful. Officer: Did you throw the mummy out of your house? Butters: No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left! [the officers look at each other, and Brown whips out his own notepad and starts writing] Officer Brown: You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son. Butters: But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think [cups his hands together nervously] I'm under some kind of curse. Officer: Well that's what the mummy told us about you. Officer Brown: You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and plants it on Butters' forehead] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, barn, day. Randy and Towelie are sampling their newest hybrid. Randy: Oh, man, I really like it. Towelie: Yeah, it's smooth. Randy: It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelly walks in with her eldritch potion, unseen] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [she chucks the potion all over the Halloween Special, causing Randy and Towelie to turn to see what happened. Many of the plants suffer chemical burns. Randy gets alarmed] AAAAAAA! Shelly! Shelly: That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away and Randy races for the plants] Randy: No! Nooo!! Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey has another assembly, this time over appropriate halloween costumes. PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. Halloween has almost arrived and I wanna make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school. Now, I don't wanna see any FUCKING SOMBREROS! Alright, if I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' shit! There will be no hobos, or bums, anything depicting people from low-income households. Cartman: Ahp, no Halloween for you, Kenny. PC Principal: And lastly, heed my fuckin' words. If I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind! Alright now, the student book fair is coming up next week. We encourage all students to be able to- [crasing sounds herald the mummy's arrival. It crashes through the double doors and stomps across the floor. The students flee in all directions. The mummy grabs students at random and throws them all over the place] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Counselor's Office, moments later. Butters faces Mr. Mackey. Butters: ...and that's all that happened. I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroying everything around me. I need help. Mr. Mackey: Okay. An-and do you feel like maybe the mummy is trying to, you know, get you to react? Butters: Wuh-what, what do you mean? Mr. Mackey: Well, you know, Butters, the mummy feels like you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants. Butters: Wait. The mummy talked to you, too? Mr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk, yeah. Butters: Why is it talking to everyone?! Mr. Mackey: I think the mummy is very insightful and cares about you a lot. Butters: No it doesn't! This is crazy! Mr. Mackey: Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun, and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy. You know, that's not fair. Butters: First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly... the mummy can do whatever it wants; I don't care! Mr. Mackey: Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting in my office talking all about the bad things that the mummy does. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy sits in his wooden swing and looks at one of the tickets he had made for his Halloween Special weed. He sighs. Towelie: [appears in the yard behind him] Randy, quick! You gotta come see! Randy: I just need some time, okay, Towelie? Towelie: Look! You don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! [leaves. Randy gets up to follow him] Come on! You're not gonna believe it! [they head for the barn] Scene Description: The barn. They step inside Randy: Alright, Towelie, what is this ab-? Whoa! [the Halloween Special has overgrown and taken root all over the barn] The Halloween Special! Towelie: Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever! Randy: [jumps for joy] Yeah! We're back! Towelie: Yeah! Randy: Yeah! Yeah! Scene Description: A restaurant, day. Butters is enjoying drinks with the main four and Token. Butters: I have to end this curse, fellas. It's getting worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [sure enough, there are several selfies of the mummy - in a park, in bed, working out - on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy! Stan: Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy. Butters: [jaw drops, then] It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?! Kyle: We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent. Cartman: Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes. Butters: I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows. Token: Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you? Butters: Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside their window and throws its arms at it three times. The boys are spooked for a bit, then calm down] Oh, gosh darnit. [leaves the table] Hang on a second, fellas. [the mummy's eyes follow him] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is putting new labels on jars of Tegridy Weed and humming, then placing them on a table by the front door Randy: Okay, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people [there are some 84 jars on the table] Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area [screen left] and the hot tub maybe right here [screen right. Shelly walks in wearing a backpack]. Towelie: Yeah, that'll work well. Shelly: Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair. Randy: What what? [chuckles] Shelly: Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating. Randy: [skeptical] You're going to a book fair? Shelly: Yes. Randy: On fucking Halloweed? Shelly: Yes! Randy: [squeezes his face] I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. [gets in her face] You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?! Shelly: [moves to the front door] You're my dad, drive me to the book fair! Randy: I will not! I have things to get ready, and nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelly! Shelly: The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the legs out from under the table, and the jats crash onto the floor, shattering. She leaves] Randy: OH MY GOD! [kneels next to his ruined product] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Randy is talking to Det. Harris, with Shelly beside him Randy: [sobbing] It's a nightmare! It's a personal hell! I've done everything I can, as a father, to help he with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this! Shelly: You're such a piece of shit, Dad! Randy: Oh, Shelly, I love you! Det. Harris: What does her mother have to say about this? Randy: Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says "I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again." It's destroying all of us! I just think, maybe a night in jail is the wakeup call that she needs. I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now! It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelly. It's gonna be really hard for me to rage! [an officer takes Shelly to a jail cell nearby, then opens it for her] Officer Brown: Alright, there you go. [Shelly goes in and turns around] When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you. Happy Halloween. [slides the door shut] Butters: What are you in for? I'm in here because apparently I'm a passive-aggressive controlling and manipulative psychopath whose narcissitic behavior drives other people crazy. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Halloween special is undreway. Klieg lights shine their beams into the sky. MC Hammer's "Turn This Mutha Out" pumps through the loudspeakers. The living room is filing with people Guest 1: Hey, trick or treat. We're here for the Halloween Special? Towelie: All right, here you go, guys. [hands him a jar of Halloween Special] That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms. Randy: Hey, come on in, guys! There's candy and hot dogs! Guest 2: Alright. [Towelie hands him a jar as well] Randy: Samplers of the special are there on the table, guys. Feel free to light up! Towelie: Wow, we're almost out, Randy. I gotta go to the barn and get some more. Randy: Okay, I'll hold down the fort. [Towelie leaves] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. Towelie walks through the field to the barn Towelie: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack- [stops] Uh, what? [a bright light shines through all the windows on the barn as the Halloween Special has spread to the exterior walls of the barn] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night Butters: So I said, "Okay, fine. You don't ever do anything wrong! It's all me! You've got no problems, only I have problems! Alright, uh I'll lock my own ass up! Then we'll see who's got issues!" Shelly: Will you SHUT UP? Butters: I'll be in here, and something will go horribly wrong tonight, and then the monster will have to accept what it is, and finally work on changing, right? Shelly: Probably not. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, the Halloween Special event. Randy is talking to one of the guests in the hot tub Randy: Naw, you see, fluvial geomorphology deals with the way rivers change over time. It's geology shit. It's why I got out of it, really. Guest 2: Hey man, what's in this weed? [guests around him are clutching their bellies] Randy: Oh! That's a company secret, my friend! Guest 1: No, I meant I- I don't feel so good. [begins to gargle and growl] Randy: Hey, are you alright there, buddy? [marijuana seems to sprout on the guest's body and turned him into a zombie. He turns around and growls at Randy] Whoa, dude, did you see that?! [looks over at his guest, who now, too, looks zombified. Randy jumps out of the hot tub when he notices all his guests looking like zombies, puts on a towel and runs outside] Scene Description: The marijuana field. Randy and Towelie run into each other Both: AAAAA! Randy: Towelie! There's something wrong with thte special! Towelie: There's somethin' in the barn! The thing you killed! It wants revenge! [they head for the barn, and Randy sees it glowing like Towelie did before] Randy: Oh Jesus! What happened?! [goes inside while Towelie waits outside] Towelie: It's dead because o'you! And now it wants your soul! Randy: [faces him] What?! What's dead because o'me?! [a shadow rises up and Randy notices: it's Winnie the Pooh clutching his intestines] Pooh: [cocks his head to one side] Oh, hello there. Would you like to die? Randy: [runs out] Ooooohh! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh! Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. An officer runs in Officer Brown: Detective Harris! Something's going down at the Marsh farm! Officer: Calm down, sir! I can't understand you! Det. Harris: Put him on speaker. [the officer switches from earpiece to speaker] Randy: There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil! Butters: [listening from his cell] The mummy! I told you! Randy: All different kindds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh my God! What's that?! Oh my God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You've got to-argh! He's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You've gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please, somebody co- [the connection is cut] Det. Harris: This is it, everyone! Let's move! All hands on deck! We've gotta take these monsters down! [all the officers rush out. Yakes returns]/i> Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive-aggressive serlfishness! [an officer opens the jail cell, and Butters and Shelly walk out] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Special event is still in full swing as the police pull up to the entrance. The officers leave their cruisers and jump into position with their rifles. An officer brings out a bazooka Det. Harris: Alright, men, let's take thee monsters out! Shelly: [intervenes] No, just hold on a second! I'll take care of this. [walks to the house. Meanwhile, out back, Randy and Towelie are still running, but are stopped by the cose they slaughtered in "Let Them Eat Goo."] Randy: Oh God, it's the cows we killed! Pooh: Oh. I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains. [leaps up to Randy's head and starts gnawing on it.] Randy: Get 'im off of me! Get 'im off of me! Oh my God! Get 'im off of me! [In her bedroom, Shelly is cooking up an antidote. She hears Randy and Towelie screaming and goes to look out the window] Waugh! Get 'im off of me! Both: Help! Somebody help us! Get them off of me! Waugh! [she sees them flailing about, but with no cows, bears, or other monsters around them. They are hallucinating] Both: Somebody help us! Towelie: Somebody help us! Randy: Get 'im off of me! Augh! We gotta fight them, Towelie! Towelie: Help! somebody help us! Randy: Waugh! Towelie: I wanna live! Get them of of me! Help! sombody help us! Randy: We're going to live! We're going to live! [Shelly goes back to her pot and continues brewing] Help! Waugh, get him off of me! Get him off of me! You monsters! Go back to hell! [they begin to babble, and Randy punches the air] There's too many of 'em! [looks off to his left] Oh! What is, What is that?! [a blurry Shelly runs up to him with her pot] Oh! No! [she drenches him with her potion and he goes limp. He murmurs a fewwwww syllables and falls over] Scene Description: Tebridy Farms, entrance. Det. Harris: Alright, that's it everyone! Nothin' to see here. Just some people who are really, really high. Officers: [let down] Aawwwwwwww. Officer Stevens: I can't shoot anyone? Det. Harris: [walks up to Butters] You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everything, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it too. Butters: I'm... [cups his hands together] I'm sorry? Det. Harris: Yeah, well it's not us ...you really need to be sorry to. [looks over Butters' head at something. Butters follows his gaze amd sees tje mummy standing at the farm's entrance.] Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault. [Butters walks to the mummy] Butters: I'm so sorry. You're right. I can be selfish and narcissistic. Ah I'm gonna work on myself and... and try to make this curse work somehow. [the mummy rreaches into a back pocket and gives Butters a parting present, sighs, and walks over to a red car, opens the trunk, packs his suitcase, closes the trunk, gets into the driver's seat, puts on some sunglasses, and drives away. Butters open the present and reads the letter inside, which is just Egyptian hieroglyphics] Officer Brown: [looks over Butters' shoulder] It says, "I hope you can get the help you need. I can't fix you" Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. All the decorations are thrown away and lots of trash bins wait for pickup. Inside, Randy comes down the stairs looking quite beat up. The rest of the family is eating toast and cereal. Randy: Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? [serves himself some coffee] Sharon: It's 8:15 am. November 3rd. Randy: Ooof, wow. That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all. I mean... I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows. I thought I was gonna die, and then, this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed. [Shelly shoots a look at him for a few seconds, then looks at her food] Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special? Sharon: No, Randy. Only you did. Randy: Oh. Well, that was pretty much my target audience anyway. [walks away from the table with his coffee, back to the stairs] Hey, at least I really didn't have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? [sees something on the floor] Oh [it's a used confom. He picks it up and shows it to the family] Or did I? [twirls it around a few times] Woo! Happy Halloween, everybody! [lets go, and the condom lands on a wall, releasing its contents.]
Scene Description: The forest outside South Park, day. The camera pans down from the trees and settles on the forest floor, on which Cartman appears, followed by Tweek. Cartman is dressed like a lumberjack, with flannel shirt, vest, and rope. Cartman: All right, let's try over here. [points straight ahead. Jason appears behind them] Set up traps there, and there as well. [points right] Last time I saw him he ran right through here. [moves, revealing Stan further back. Cartman moves to his left, and Kyle is seen sitting on a fallen tree] Kyle: This is so retarded, Cartman. You've got everyone believing your stupid story. Cartman: [sets up a trip wire between two stones] It isn't a story, it's true! I saw a leprechaun. I've seen him come through here three days in a row now. [drops the rope, walks forward, and whips out a walkie-talkie] Hawk Eyes, this is Dragon Wind. Do you copy? Clyde: This is Hawk Eyes. We've set up the net and we're standing by. [behind him are Jimmy, Jason, and Craig hoisting the net into place] Cartman: Copy that, Hawk Eyes. Keep surveillance tag Alpha Niner. Dragon Wind out. [Tweek joins Stan in the background] Kyle: Just admit you were lying, Cartman, so that everyone can go home! Cartman: O-ho no! We have a deal, Kyle! If I can prove there's a leprechaun, you have to suck my balls, remember?! [whips out his walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Blackie: What's your six, Blackie? Token: [pissed off] ... I don't want the code name Blackie. Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie! Check your six and alert when in position! [puts away the walkie talkie and gets back to setting the trip wire.] Kyle: This is fucking retarded! Cartman: Hahaha, getting nervous, Kyle? When that leprechauns shows up you must suck my balls! Don't forget I have a signed contract from you. [finishes setting the trip wire] Kyle: Yeah, and if you couldn't prove there was a leprechaun, you have to give me ten dollars! Now just pay up and stop being stupid! Cartman: [whispers loudly] Goddammit, why hasn't it shown up yet? [whips out the walkie talkie] Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot! Butters: [stands on a lookout platform with a telescope next to him. He answers in a subdued manner] This is faggot. Go ahead. Cartman: Faggot, I need you to keep surveillance North to North East. Check back in five. Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. [turns right and looks through the telescope] Waagh. Kyle: Okay, that's enough. [hops off the tree and walks forward] Everybody! Cartman is just pulling one of his stupid tricks on everyone, because he's trying to get out of a deal he made! Cartman: It was here, I swear it! I don't know why it's not showin' up this time! Kyle: You didn't see a leprechaun, fatass! If you could prove it, I had to suck your balls, but if you couldn't, you had to pay me ten dollars! Pay up! Butters: Uh, I got somethin'! I got it! [the other boys turn and pay attention] It's uh... Oh jeez I thnk it's a leprechaun! Cartman: [to Token] Set off diversion track C! [Token sets off a small bomb under a pile of leaves. Nearby a leprechaun skips into view, then stops upon seeing the boys] Stan: Dude... Jimmy: Fuh, fuck me, it's a leprechaun. Cartman: [charging forth] Get it! [the leprechaun runs away, and all the boys except Kyle, who is dumbfounded, give chase] Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive! [the leprechaun crawls under a tree trunk and gets up. He trips over a rope and a net descends on him; he dodges it and runs off. He runs into a bush and trips a sliding door, which drops down behind him. It traps him in a cage. He looks around for a way out, but sees the boys crowd in.] Butters: Wow. Stan: Cool. Craig: No way. Token: Whoa. Jason: Wow. Cartman: [making his way through, out of breath] Eugh! Uh, move aside! Move aside! All right, butthole, where's the gold?! Leprechaun: You lads don't know what you're doin'. I need to deliver an important message! There's goin' to be an attack! Cartman: [gets out a Bowie knife] Tell me where the gold is or you die! [unsheathes it] Slow! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him out and disappears] Stan: Where'd he go? [the leprechaun appears on a tree limb behind the boys; they turn to look at him again] Leprechaun: I was sent to warn of a terrorist attack, but you boys have made me late. Now the terrorists will prevail! The end is near! [the leprechaun makes a rainbow with his right hand, and it teleports him away and disappears] Craig: Dude. Cartman: [walks up to Kyle and clears his throat] Kyle, suck my balls. [brings out the contract both of them signed. Kyle stands motionless] Scene Description: SOUTH PARK KYLE SUCKS CARTMAN'S BALLS THE TRILOGY Scene Description: The dining room. The family is at dinner, eating silently. Kyle has got something on his mind, as he's not eating. Kyle: Dad, where do leprechauns come from? Gerald: [not skipping a beat] From Ireland. Kyle: So... why would one come to America to warn us about a terrorist attack? Sheila: Kyle, leprechauns aren't real. You're almost nine now; you need to understand the difference beween real and imaginary. Kyle: I thought I did. [the doorbell rings and Sheila rises to get the door] Cartman: [walks in with the contract and a camera] Ohhh, Ms. Broflovski, how are you this fine evening? Sheila: Oh,hello Eric. [leads him to the dining room] Kyle, your friend is here. Cartman: Hello, Mr. Broflovski, Ike. Nice evening, isn't it? Well Kyle, shall we go up to your room for a few minutes. Kyle: [gets off his seat and stands between Cartman and the table] Get out of here, Cartman, we're eating dinner! Cartman: Uhh, Kyle, I believe a certain someone is supposed to put a certain set of balls in their mouth. Kyle: I'm not doing it, fatass! Gerald: Doing what? Cartman: We had a deal, Kyle! Kyle: Just get out of here! Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] You signed an agreement, Kyle!! Kyle: I don't care if I signed an agreement! Gerald: Ah hey now Kyle, if you made a deal with somebody, you have to stick by it. Cartman: Thank you, Mr. Broflovski. Gerald: What was the agreement? Kyle: That if he could prove leprechauns exist, I would suck his balls. Sheila: Whatwhatwhat?! Cartman: And there was a leprechaun! You saw it, Kyle!! Scene Description: A neighborhood clearing, day. Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny are working on a massive snow sculpture. Kyle walks up to them. Kyle: Hey dudes. [the boys stop and pay attention] Jimmy: Hey Kyle. So, ...how was it? Kyle: How was what? Jimmy: Sucking Cartman's b-balls. Kyle: I didn't suck his balls, all right?! And I'm not going to! Stan: [walks up to him] Dude, why did you ever agree to suck his balls in the first place? Kyle: Uch, I didn't think there would actually be a leprechaun! And I still don't! Why would a leprechaun be warning us of a terrorist attack?! There's another explanation for all this. Fanciful Mayor: [dressed in a Southern Victorian outfit, polka-dotted yellow pants, and curled shoes] Excuse me. Have you boys seen a leprechaun anywhere lately? Stan: ...What do you know about the leprechaun? Fanciful Mayor: Ooooo, then you did see him. [twirls] That's splendiferous! I want you to tell me everything he said. Where was he? What was he doing? Kyle: All right I've had enough! Leprechauns are imaginary! Fanciful Mayor: Well of course they are. But just because they're imaginary doesn't mean they're not real. Haven't you boys ever used your imagination? [whips out a striped cane and turns to Stan] You young man! How would you like to be a cowboy? Or a- swashbuckling pirate? [moves over to Kyle] And you! How would you like to be an astronaut, faaar out in space? All it takes is a little... [taps his head with his left hand] imagination. Stan: Who the hell are you? Fanciful Mayor: Still not convinced, eh? I tell you what, boys. What say we all take a ride on my... Imagination Flying Machine? [before them appears an elegant red blimp with four smaller yellow balloons from which hangs a small wooden ship with three wheels underneath it for landing on solid ground] Kyle: Dude. Fanciful Mayor: Hop aboard, kids. I have something to show you. Butters: Uhhh, are you gonna rape us? Fanciful Mayor: [confused] Ubeuh... uh... n... no? Butters: Ah, all right then. Stan: Come on, guys. [the others follow him, with Butters trailing.] Butters: Watch it, fellas. I'm pretty sure this guy wants to rape us. Fanciful Mayor: All aboard the Imagination Balloon! [sounds the boarding bell and lifts off as the boys draw up the rope ladder.] Some people feel imagination isn't real, but I tell them that they're wrong, 'cause whenever I want to play and pretend, I just sing the Imagination Sooong [the song consists of the one word "imagination," repeated. The ship floats lazily over the countryside, then over the Platte river and a bridge, then over another river flanked by meadows and woods, and ever higher into the sky, then over the Rockies]. Kyle: [at his limit] Are you gonna take us somewhere or not?! Fanciful Mayor: Oh- Ohhh. But my boy, we're already here. Scene Description: Imaginationland, where whatever fantastical creatures you could imagine exists. There are two moons and two pointy stars in the sky and mountains whose tops bend over like witches' hats. There are castles everywhere with flags atop them. As the Imagination Balloon floats in, a flying giraffe is shown, as is a flying city, a griffin, an elevated tram and its cars, and many, many creatures strange and familiar. The creatures all turn to see the ship and follow it to its landing The Boys: Whoa... Stan: What is this place? Fanciful Mayor: This... is Imaginationland. [a yellow rocket flies in and lands on its own] It's where all the wonderful and goofy things that humans have made up over the years live together. [more of the land and its inhabitants are shown, and the balloon finally lands in the middle of town. The Mayor climbs down the rope ladder] Citizens of Imaginationland! We have distinguished guests from the world beyond! [the creatures ooo and aaa about them] Cheetara: Hello. [the boys climb down. Butters is excited] Lollipop King: [a walking lollipop with a crown and lollipop scepter] Welcome to Imaginationland. I am the Lollipop King. Mr. Tumnus: [bows] We are honored to have Creators in our kingdom. Fanciful Mayor: Now, good news, everyone! These boys did see the leprechaun! [the creatures jump for joy] Pat the Hammer: What did he tell you? Did he have any news? Stan: [hesitantly] Well he said there was gonna be a- ...that there was... gonna be a- A Terrorist: [runs in out of nowhere] ALLAH!!! [he stops, rips open his jacket, and shows off the bombs strapped to his body] Fanciful Mayor: [closeup] OH FUCK NO! [the terrorist sets off the bomb as everyone else leans back. The explosion sends creatures flying everywhere, with some of them dying as their bodies fall apart. Charlie Brown is blown away, losing his left leg below the knee.] Charlie Brown: Awwwgh! [falls on his face] Cheetara: [running past Stan] AAAAAH! Scene Description: Stan is battered and looks for shelter. He finds it under a giant mushroom. He is now in a daze and time begins to move slowly for him. He watches as Raggedy Ann tries to revive a destroyed Raggedy Andy, but it's no use. He then turns to see Santa set ablaze and set two moon-bellied sneetches on fire. The action takes on a war-ravaged tone as Ronald McDonald finds he's lost his right arm. He sees it on the floor and walks over to pick it up with his left hand. He winces, then sees a large building go up in flames as burning creatures run about. An explosion sends the building's tower crashing down in front of the building. The terrorist fires away with his automatic machine gun. Stan begins to recover as he puts his cap back on. A faun runs past him in the background, and Kyle arrives. His lips move slowly and Stan doesn't know what he's saying. Kyle: [above all the noise] Stan, we have to get out of here!! [Jimmy is with him. The three take off. The terrorist appears behind them, but doesn't see them. Kenny joins the group as a dragon drops down from the sky.] Draco: Quickly boys! Get on my back! [the boys climb on and Draco takes off] Butters: Fellas! Fellas wait! [the boys look back at Butters, who is running up to them as fast as he can] Hold on, fellas! Stan: Butters. Butters: Don't leave me, fellas! Come back! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun, then kicks him around. Two other terrorists join in] Kyle: Dude! [the terrorists keep kicking Butters around] Butters: Hey guys! The Boys: Butters! Scene Description: The Broflovski House, morning. Kyle wakes up startled in his room and sits up. Kyle: A-ah! A-a-ah! Wha? Where...? Oh. Oh dude. Oh, it was just a dream. It was all just a crazy dream. Huh, oh my God. [gets out of bed and walks off] Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Stan is eating cereal at the breakfast table when the phone rings. Stan: [picks up] Hello? Kyle: Dude, did you finish your math homework? I kind of lost track of time last night. Stan: No no I I hardly got any sleep. I had this whole messed up dream about some gay Mayor guy taking us to Imaginationland where all these imaginary characters live? Kyle: [speechless, then] ...And then it got attacked by terrorists? Stan: Yeah! How'd you know? Kyle: Dude! I had the same dream! We jumped on a dragon's back and, and Butters got left behind! Sharon: [enters the kitchen] Stan? Stanley? You haven't seen your little friend Butters, have you? [with her are Butters' parents. Linda is distraught] Stan: Why? Linda: Our darling Butters never came home last night. Kyle: What did they say?? Steven: We don't wanna jump to conclusions, but... we're worried that maybe somebody kidnapped Butters, sodomized him over and over again, and then fed his genitals to wild animals. [Linda starts crying] There there, darling. Kyle: [hearing the crying] ...Dude... Scene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day. General Deckter: [serious] Ladies and gentlemen, I have dire news. Yesterday, at approximately 18:00 hours, terrorists successfully attacked... our imagination. [the other officials there look around and murmur at each other] Man 1: Our imagination? Woman 1: [behind him, with gray hair] How? Specialist: The imaginary attack appears to have been in the works for years. The effects of the attack are so far... unimaginable. General Deckter: We've intercepted this videotape the terrorists made for broadcast. Luckily we've kept it from being broadcast to the public. [clicks on a remote control, and the video appears onscreen. The Fanciful Mayor is on the ground with a blindfold on. A Care Bear sits to his right with a blindfold on as well. The terrorist starts speaking, then backs up to shoot a Care Bear in the head] Fanciful Mayor: No! It's just a Care Bear! [a terrorist knocks him down with the butt of his gun. A fairy godmother walks up to check on him] Man 2: Oh my God. General Deckter: [fast forwards the tape] Later in the video we can see another imaginary hostage; this one reading a forced statement. Butters: [reading the statement at gunpoint] Praise to the mighty Allah. His divine grace a-and will have brought forth this day. [a terrorists brings forth a severed bear head to show the viewers] Oh jeez! [the terrorist withdraws] Uhhh, nnow see, your safety is at our whim. This is the price you pay, America! You have defiled Allah, and now we will turn your imagination against you! Death to the Infidels! [there's no more to read] Can I go now? [two terrorists come up and drag him away. The one wearing a vest takes the statement away from Butters.] Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here?? [the tape is stopped] General Deckter: Gentlemen, the terrorists appear to have complete control of our imagination. It's only a matter of time before... our imaginations start running wild. Scene Description: Colorado State Courthouse, day. Cartman: [as the plaintiff, with a lawyer] I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt. [Kyle is the defendant, without a laywer] A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls! [the judge can't believe what she's hearing] I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to! Judge: [looks over the contract in front of her] Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles? Kyle: I... Judge: [shows Kyle the contract] Is this not your signature on the contract? Kyle: Uh... W-uh... but... Come o- come on! Really? I mean, aren't there more important things going on right now? Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds. Cartman: [pumps his left fist] Yesss! Judge: You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. If after that time you still refuse, the court will be forced to arrest you for contempt. Next case! [lowers the gavel. The camera is in a position to see it block Kyle from view.] Cartman: Thank you Your Honor. This isn't a victory for me, this is a victory for the justice system. And my balls. Scene Description: The Pentagon, Washington D.C., day. General Deckter and four of his top people sit opposite a dark-skinned man. There are other people present General Deckter: What I am about to tell you is highly classified. Two days ago, Muslim terrorists hijacked our imagination. [the man is now shown close up] Frankly we don't know what their next move is or how to stop them. Specialist: In times like these the government often turns to Hollywood for help. You creative filmmakers can think of idea we just can't. General Deckter: That's why we've asked you here, M. Night Shyal-amalam. [the camera zooms out a bit and shows the name tag in front of the man: the director M. Night Shyalaman] The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, all very clever films. But can you use your amazing idea brain now to help us stop the terrorists? M. Night Shyalaman: What if... [the top officials lean in] What if it turns out they aren't terrorists? But they're actually werewolves? From the future? General Deckter: N, no. No, they're terrorists. They've been linked to Al Qaeda. M. Night Shyalaman: But what if Al Qaeda, it turns out, is the group being terrorized? By aliens? General Deckter: No- No. That's not an idea, that's a twist. We need ideas. M. Night Shyalaman: How about we make everyone think that terrorists attacked us? But really, we were all already dead. General Deckter: [to the specialist] Get him out of here. [M. Night Shyalaman is hauled away, only to be replaced by...] Mr. Bay, can you think of any idea how to outwit these terrorists? Michael Bay: I believe I can. [the officials get their pens ready to write] We start... by making a big CG building and then we have a meteor go CROSSHH! [makes a diving motion with his left arm] and it, and it's all like CRAAWWWLL [simulates an explosion with his arms] a-and motorcycles burst into flame while they jump over these helicopters, right? [has his right hand go over his left arm like a motorcycle over a helicopter] General Deckter: [firmly] No no! We need ideas how to stop the terrorists! Michael Bay: An eighteen-wheeler spins out of control and it's all like BROSSHH [makes a crashing motion with his right hand] And then this huuuge tanker full of dyna- [launches into a series of explosions] General Deckter: [fed up] Those aren't ideas, those are special effects! Michael Bay: I... don't understand the difference. General Deckter: I know you don't. Get him out of here! [next in the chair is Mel Gibson] Aaand being that we are all big Mel Gibson film fans, we thought maybe you could help us. Mel Gibson: [twisting his hipples hard] Ah, my nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them! General Deckter: [dismayed, drops his head into his left hand] Yes, uh, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists? Mel Gibson: How about this? You have that tape that the terrorists made, right? Well, maybe if you did a background check on that videotape, you might find somebody who doesn't belong. Somebody who doesn't fit in Imaginationland![twists his nipples again] Ohhh! Specialist: Heyy... that's not a bad idea. General Deckter: Yeah. Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but the son of a bitch knows story structure. Get the videotape and do a background check on everyone in it! Mel Gibson: [twists his nipples from the excitement] Oogh! Yess! [grins] Scene Description: some hours later. Specialist: All the imaginary characters in the tape were identified, sir. Count Chocula, Cinderella, Snarf from Thundercats... But here. [clicks. Butters is shown in full] Nothing in American folklore or storytelling match this kid. He appears to be... just some kid. [zooms into Butters. The last few seconds of the tape are replayed: "Stan! Kyle! Could you could you get me out of here??"] General Deckter: [determined] I want digital imaging and resource magnification done stat! [slams his right fist into his left hand] If that kid isn't imaginary, I want to know who he is, where he's from, and who his friends are! Specialist: Yes sir! [leaves, and General Deckter is alone in the meeting room with Butters' image] General Deckter: [walks up to the screen and stares intently at Butters' image] Who are you?... Scene Description: Imaginationland, the aftermath. Butters and the Mayor have been released and join the survivors. Mighty Mouse sits on a talking suitcase, Link tends to Tumnus. Other survivors are the Flash, the Wild Thing, H.R. Pufnstuf, Count Chocula, Orko, Pat the Hammer, Cinderella, Totoro, and Humpty Dumpty Butters: Uh, excuse me? Uh Mr. Terrorist, sir? [a shot of the terrorists arming the rocket from the beginning of the episode] Uh, I'm actually not imaginary, a-and um, my p-my parents are gonna ground me if I don't get back- [one of the terrorists says something to him and cocks his gun] Aaah! [holds out his palms and backs up to join the survivors] Okay, sorry. Uh sorry. Pat the Hammer: Can you tell what the terrorists are doing? Fanciful Mayor: They're going something to Rockety Rocket. Rockety Rocket: No! Leave me alone! Haaa! Cinderella: It doesn't make sense. What do they want with Rockety? Fanciful Mayor: The only reason they would- [shuts up upon a realization] Oh my God. They're gonna blow up the Barrier! Butters: Uh what's the Barrier? Fanciful Mayor: The wall! The wall which separates the evil side of Imaginationland from the good side! [the wall, which is rather low, is shown. Beyond it is a dark place, full of lightning and unknown dangers] Rockety Rocket: No! No you can't blow up the barrier! Are you insane?! [the terrorists talk amongst themselves] Cinderella: We can't let this happen. Suitcase: It will be the end of Imaginationland. Pat the Hammer: Yeah. You have to stop them, kid. Butters: Me?? Woo, what am I supposed to do? Fanciful Mayor: Don't you get it?! If the terrorists blow that barrier, all the most evil things ever imagined are gonna pour out and take over Imaginationland for good! YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!! Butters: [frightened] Waaahaa! Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's the the whole house decked out for a party. A lush Arabian party. Persian throw rugs are spread out all over the floor. The sofa has been converted into a royal litter. His classmates mill around drinking juice. Cartman enters the living room dressed as a sultan Cartman: Thanks for coming, everyone. The big moment is almost here, as soon as Kyle arrives. Craig: He's not gonna show up to suck your balls dude. Cartman: He has to. He's been ordered by the court. Clyde: Hey, he's here. [the kids turn to face the front door. Stan and Kyle walk towards the house together] Cartman: What? Move aside, move aside! [moves through the crowd to the door] Stan: Dude, do you really have to do it? Kyle: Let's just get this over with! Cartman: Yes, come on in, peasant Kyle, and pay homage to this sultan's balls. Kyle: God damnit! Cartman: Yehehehesss. Yehhhs! [the sound of helicopters ruins the moment as Cartman's smile vanishes and he looks around. Stan and Kyle turn around and see the helicopters. Police cars and government vehicles converge on Cartman's house as the copters land. General Deckter, specialist, two soldiers, and two security guards pour out of the helicopter] Specialist: That's them, sir. Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski. General Deckter: You boys need to come with us on a matter of national security. Kyle: Who are you? General Deckter: There's no time! You need to come with us right now! [prods the boys towards the waiting helicopter] Cartman: [runs up and grabs Kyle's free hand] Hey, let go of him! [Kyle is now in a tug of war between Cartman and General Deckter] General Deckter: We aren't going to hurt your little friends. We just need information. Cartman: No! No, he has to suck my balls! [loses his hold on Kyle and falls to the sidewalk on all fours. He gets up and runs after the helicopter, which takes off quickly. All the other vehicles pull out. Cartman runs down the street a bit] NO! KYYYYLE! [loses his turban] Scene Description: Imaginationland. The terrorists make the end run with Rockety Rocket towards the Barrier. Rockety Rocket: No! Noooo! [Butters comes into view to stop them] Butters: Hold on! Hold on a second! [the terrorists screech to a halt] Now, you really should think about this. I mean, uh, I I know you think attacking our imagination will get you somewhere, but will it really? If you destroy that wall, all the most evil parts of our imagination are gonna break loose, but... will it really make you terrorists feel better? Maybe it's time for us all to just... get along. Terrorists: [having had time to think about it, they give their answer] ALLAH!! [they charge forth with Rockety Rocket toward the door, then push him forward. Butters jumps out of the way.] Rockety Rocket: AAAAAAAH! Jesus Christ, no!! [reaches the door and blows up. The terrorists cheer and fire away into the air. Butters gets up near the survivors] Fanciful Mayor: That was your plan to stop them?? Butters: Y-yeah, and that's not a heartfelt speech? Fanciful Mayor: That's fucking stupid! [the ground begins to shake under them as rumbles come from the evil side of Imaginationland. The terrorists stop firing. Cracks appear on the door. The Mayor says with dread] They are coming... [the door falls apart. "TO BE CONTINUED" appears over the action] Scene Description: The desert, day. An oil rig moves east. The cab is red with a white stripe. Cartman is inside with the driver Driver: Glad I picked you up, kid. It's dangerous for someone your age to be hitchhikin' Cartman: Yeah well, when a man has been wronged... he no longer cares about danger. Driver: You goin' to Washington to visit family? Cartman: I've got unfinished business. You go through life being told there's justice, then you learn that the only real justice... [looks at a picture of Kyle] is the justice you take. [to the picture] Make no mistake, Kyle. Before this is over, you will suck my balls. [runs his finger over Kyle's mouth]
Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. A government agent speaks with Bannon. Government agent: The political world is watching, Bannon. [gives Bannon a file] We need to make sure the president elect has a smooth transition. Bannon: All indications are that his transition [flips a page] is going to be fine. Surgeon: [walks by] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can see him now if you like. Caitlyn: I'll go. Scene Description: Caitlyn walks into a technologically advanced room where Garrison is seen having a blond, push-back wig put on his head by a mechanical arm. Garrison: [talks with Caitlyn] Well, do I look presidential? Caitlyn: Honestly, you look twenty years younger. Garrison: They really worked on my stank face. Look! Whenever I don't know what people are talking about, I just do this, [lowers his body] like look. [shows his stank face] I can do this. [shows his stank face again] This is, this is my stank face. [shows a different stank face] It's like, I'm not listening to you, see? [shows his other stank face] They did a really good job on my stank lips. Caitlyn: It's an amazing transition. Garrison: Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... [sits up straight] in just a minute, I'm gonna do the UV rays a bit longer. Scene Description: [the machine closes enseals Garrison] Scene Description: SpaceX. Cartman and Heidi walk to the desk. Secretary: Can I help you? Cartman: Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny. Secretary: ...Okay. Cartman: We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty Wi-Fi? Secretary: ...That'd be an understatement, yes. Cartman: Well, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible please. Secretary: Uh-huh. Take a number and join the others. Cartman: What others? Scene Description: [Cartman, Heidi, and the secretary turn their heads see a bunch of other people waiting, including Cher singing] Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] If I could turn back time... Cartman: What the fuck, dude?! Secretary: Lot of people want to leave the planet right now. Cartman: Ah god dammit, is that Cher?! Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] Do you believe in leaving the world, oh... Scene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office. PC Principal: God [knocks down papers] dammit! [knocks down lamp] How the fuck did this happen?! Mackey: [knocks the door and opens it] Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone wants to speak with you. PC Principal: I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! [slams fist on the desk] I'm not in the mood! Mackey: But, but sir, the president elect is here. [moves away from Garrison] Garrison: [enters the office with two Secret Service agents following him] So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope. PC Principal: Uh, not at all. Please uh, have a seat, Mr. Garrison. Garrison: Excuse me? PC Principal: Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President. Garrison: That's better, bitch. [sits down and takes out a piece of gum] PC Principal: Certainly want to uh, congratulate you on the election. Garrison: Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal? PC Principal: I know we've had some differences, uh... Garrison: I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was that I needed to go and "learn their language", "be more open-minded". PC Principal: I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated. Garrison: Are you really? [makes stank face] Are you really sorry? [makes different stank face] Because you see PC Principal, you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now, I'm your president. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming president, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, bud? PC Principal: [is in complete shock] Scene Description: Outside of unknown club. Two people got out of the club. The berries head to a tiny door. Unknown berries: Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink. Yeah, I 'member. Memberberry 1: 'Member when Han shot Greedo? Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member Greedo. Tubbs: Ha, I 'member Greedo. Memberberry 3: 'Member? Memberberry 1: [knocks at the small door] Guard Berry: [opens small window] What's the password, 'member? Memberberry 3: Yeah, I 'member. Memberberry 1: You 'member? Guard Berry: I 'member. [opens the door, lets the berries in, and then closes the door immediately] Scene Description: Inside a Memberberry bar. Random berries keep on saying "'Member". Memberberry 1: Ha ha, 'member this place? [hops away] Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. [rolls away] Memberberry 4: [hops away] 'Member the Tantive IV? Memberberry 1: Oh, I love that ship. [stops moving] Memberberry 3: [goes with the other berries and talks to an old berry] Hi, it's us, 'member?! Don: Ah sure, I 'member. Memberberry 4: We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?! Don: Ah sure, I 'member; just 'cause of youse, we won the election. Tubbs: Yeah yeah, 'member? Don: Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member? Waiter Berry: I 'member. Don: You done good poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do. Tubbs: Hehe, hehe, I 'member. Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters: vault. Gerald repeatedly knocks on the exit door with all his might. Gerald: Please, you have to let me outta here! Dick: Skankhunt, stop! Bedrager: [talks from above] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of-a yourself. Gerald: [walks to see Bedrager's face] Bedrager: Well well, what do we have here? Looks like your little troll-party. Troll 4: You Danish pricks, you tricked us! Bedrager: We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us we would agree not to go forward with the TrollTrace program. Gerald: You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me! Bedrager: [takes out his phone] By all means, [tosses the phone to Gerald] contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here. Dick: What are you gonna do with us? Bedrager: We're going to use you to set the world on fire. When the servers go online, there will be chaos, panic, and war. And from the ashes, a new world will rise: a world where everyone is happy, and singing, and has no secrets, [yells] like Denmark! [punches a railing] Dick: You think you can turn countries in the world against each other? Our president will never let that happen. Scene Description: Unknown supermarket. Garrison and Secret Service agents enter the store. Garrison: Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums "Hail To The Chief"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hi, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hello, Stephen. Stephen: [looks away] Mr. President. Garrison: [walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passing through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. What about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fucking Guatemala. Well, what do you think now, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President. First general: Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security. Garrison: Oh, really? I'm kinda busy right now, jeez. First general: Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war. Garrison: War? Scene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in. Gerald: Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it? Scene Description: The other trolls witness Gerald's actions. Dick: Wow. Anonymous821: Wow, what? Dick: He's gonna have his son sign in and troll for him. Gerald: [covers his phone and faces the other trolls] If Skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy! Get it?! It's called "using your brain", fatso! Anonymous821: So they'll blame your kid? Gerald: Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do, get a slap on the wrist? Dick: [stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems! Gerald: You don't know my fucking wife! [faces the phone] Ike, you got it? Great, pal! Okay, now I need you to go to the comment section, okay, and type in "You should all get raped by gorillas". You got that pal? Ike, "You should all get raped by gorillas"! Come on, we have a lot of work to do here! Scene Description: SpaceX. Heidi and Cartman sit next to each other on separate chairs. Cartman: Jesus, I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long. Heidi: You really think this is what we should do, babe? I gonna miss everyone. Cartman: I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better. Butters: Hey, Eric! [seen right near Cartman] Cartman: [speaks to Butters] What the hell are you doing here? Butters: Well I want to get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number. Cartman: Oh no no no! You're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters. You don't get to go to Mars. Butters: [shows complete fear] No, you don't understand. I've seen the light, I'm a changed man, I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... shit's about to get a lot worse. Scene Description: Outside of the White House. Memberberries start incoherent 'membering. Memberberries: 'Member The Fugitive? '[Millions of Memberberries are 'membering.]' 'Member Aliens? '[They begin to jump the fence]' Here we are! Ah, yeah! I 'member. Come on, everybody, 'member? '[The large group of Memberberries continue 'membering.]' 'Member snow speeders? '[They approach the front door.]' Yeah, I 'member! 'Member not hearing? '[They breach the front door and pour into the main foyer.]' 'Member the invasion of Hoth? Haha! 'Member "you rebel scum"? I 'member! '[They fill the entire floor of the White House entrance.]' Oh, 'member the rebel transports? '[Thousands of Memberberries open the door to the Oval Office, and pour in.]' Memberberry 1: "We did it!" 'Member? '[Five Memberberries take their place on the president's desk.]' Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member! Memberberry 3: What do we do now? Memberberry 4: Don't you 'member? Tubbs: Ooh, I 'member. Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike sets up the profile photo of Mrs. Herrera and a penis in a small Photoshop tab while Gerald is on Skype. Gerald: Okay now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth, got it? Ike: [puts penis in photoshopped mouth] Gerald: Now I need you to type "You're a fat retard" in the comments. Ike: [types in the comment section] "You're a retard." Gerald: No, you have to say "a fat retard", Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important! Ike: [types in the comment section] "You are a fat retard." Sheila: [sees what Ike is doing and is in shock] Ike! What are you doing?! Ike: What he says. Gerald: [exits Skype chat] Sheila: [walks into Ike's room and gets a closer look] It was you, all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How could my child be such a monster?! [answers the call on her phone] Yes yes, hello?! Gerald: [talks on his phone to Sheila] Hey sweetheart, how's everything going? Sheila: You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I just caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrera! Gerald: Are you serious? Sheila: Yes! The school troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he's posted on his computer! Gerald: God dang it! Let me talk to him right now! Shelia: [hands her phone to Ike] Ike: Hello? Gerald: Hey Ike, just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds, wait. Good. Okay, now-now say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside". Ike: No! Gerald: Ike, you have to listen to me. On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside"! Ike: [angrily] I'm sorry dad. I'm just fucked up inside. Gerald: That was amazing, kiddo. It'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Give me back to your mom. Sheila: [takes her phone back] Gerald?! Gerald: He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place! Sheila: I know! Gerald: I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, all right? Sheila: Okay. Okay yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [ends the call and talks to Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do; and if you get back on that computer, you are done, you got it?! [leaves Ike's room] Gerald: [starts a Skype call on Ike's computer] Ike! Okay there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type "How'd you like a donkey dick?". Scene Description: Pentagon. Garrison and four Secret Service agents walk to the general. First general: [salutes] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. I've been ordered to show you around. [turns around] This way, please. Garrison: [follows the general] So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right? First general: Yes, sir. Here are all [gives Garrison a folder of classified information] our military secrets and all classified information. Garrison: [takes folder] Okay, good. First general: [stops everyone by the Drone Program entrance] This is the Drone Program. In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys. [gives keys to Garrison] Garrison: Thanks! Scene Description: [everyone continues walking] First general: In here is satellite surveillance where you can monitor anyone's conversation live. Garrison: Oh that will come in handy. First general: Extreme interrogation [stops everyone] room in case you find interrogation necessary. Garrison: Oh hell yeah, it's necessary. Let's do it. First general: [gives Garrison a briefcase] And here of course is the famous "football", where you could order a nuclear attack in four minutes. [walks away] Garrison: Love me some football. [follows the general] First general: [stops everyone by the Diplomatic Strategy entrance] And finally, in here, is the diplomatic strategy and negotiating room. [opens the doors, having everyone enter the room] Scene Description: People in the room are noticing high alerts across the world. Garrison: Well, jeez, this doesn't look very fun. Second general: Thank God you're here sir. We need your guidance. Scene Description: SpaceX. Butters sits next to Cartman by his left side. Butters: Loolooloo, I've got some apples. Loolooloo, you've got some too. Cartman: Butter, Butters! You expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a softhearted feminist like me? Fat chance. Butters: No no, believe me. I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be running the country soon, and they deserve total respect. Cartman: Yeah? You just forgot one thing, that women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters? Butters: Well I don't think there was ever any question women are funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton? Heidi: Oh yeah, that movie was funny. Butters: Well I laughed my butt off and it never even occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women and comedy now. I mean what about Carol Burnett? She was great. Heidi: Wow, I guess you're right. Cartman: Yeah, I mean, when women make vagina jokes I think it's the funniest thing ever! Butters: Yeah, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time. Cartman: [looks at Heidi, then at Butters, then in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing. Heidi: What, babe? Cartman: Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes? Heidi: [giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time? Cartman: Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious. Heidi: Well, did I tell you the one about the skeleton and the skunk? Butters: [laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand] Scene Description: The Pentagon Second general: All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing defensive countermeasures. Garrison: Why? What the hell happened? First general: This is everything you need to know about the TROLL TRACE program. Garrison: What's TROLL TRACE? First general: A plan by the Danish to release the full internet histories of everyone on Earth. Second general: The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work. First general: The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable. Second general: We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea. Garrison: For what? First general: Because when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attack us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all their e-mails, we will most likely attack them. Third general: Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish. Garrison: Well, why are you asking me? Second general: Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control. Scene Description: The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian. Aide 1: Президент Путин, Датское утверждает, что они всё ещё готовы включить программу Troll Trase. Putin: Это всё, что я сказай, всё, что я сделай на Интернет будет доступно моей подруге? Aide 1: Да, кажется так. Putin: Датское должно быть оставновлены! Мы нужно знать, как Соединённые Штаты стоят на этом! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it] Aide 2: Э... Господин президент, Овальный кабинет. [Putin walks to the phone] Putin: Да, это президент Путин. Memberberry 3: 'Member the Death Star? Memberberry 1: Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns? Memberberry 4: Yeah, yeah, 'member the Force? [the berries chuckle] Putin: Что это такое? Tubbs: Heheh, heheh, yeah, sure, I 'member. Memberberry 1: Member McGy-? Tubbs: Sure, I 'member. Memberberry 3: 'Member? Memberberry 2: Heheh, hey hey hey, 'member the Cold War? Memberberry 1: Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic! Scene Description: SpaceX, day. Everyone is still waiting for the ride to Mars. Tour assistant: Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through. Cartman: [leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally. Butters: Hey, that's me too. Yippee! Tour assistant: Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher, walks in, and the door slams shut behind them] Elon Musk: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today? Cartman: Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please? We want to go to Mars. Elon Musk: And getting anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please? PA door voice: [interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor] Elon Musk: The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on electricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. And yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket. Cartman: [whispering to Heidi] They already have Pizza Pockets. Elon Musk: Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes. Cartman: Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all super interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now? Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the Pentagon... Staffer 1: Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico. Garrison: Well why would we care about Mexicans?! Staffer 2: [in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs. Garrison: Well what does that even mean?! Staffer 3: [in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir. Garrison: I don't know, jeez! First general: Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you. Garrison: What? Boris Johnson: Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries. UK aide: [overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad. Garrison: Memberries? Boris Johnson: I'm afraid everyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us. UK aide: We shouldn't have ate the memberries! Boris Johnson: The memberries cloud your judgement. They get inside your head, you see. Garrison: Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver] UK aide: What'd he say? Boris Johnson: I believe they've eaten the memberries. UK aide: Ooh, dear! UK aide 2: Ooh, dear! Scene Description: SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down. Elon Musk: Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause. Groups: Huh? Cartman: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars? Elon Musk: Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight. Groups: Awwww. Cartman: No, no nonono, we have to go now! Elon Musk: Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is gonna take a lot of very smart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby] Butters: Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters] Elon Musk: Like... how funny? Scene Description: The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing "Africa". A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. "Sing Sing Sing" blares from the radio. Don: Out of the way, 'member? Berry Henchmen: You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office] Memberberries: Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car] Don: Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member? Memberberry 3: We decided he's in charge. Memberberry 1: No, we said I'm in charge, 'member? Memberberry 4: No wait, I 'member. We all said he's in charge. [leans to the left] Memberberry 2: Oh yeah, I 'member. Don: Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice] Memberberry 3: Waaah! Don: 'Member stormtroopers? Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. Don: Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member. Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall. Kyle: Ike? [Ike looks back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again] What are you doing? Sheila: Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble! Kyle: Well what'd he do? Sheila: It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the internet troll who's caused all this pain in our community! Kyle: What? Sheila: It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen] Kyle: You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...? Scene Description: Kyle stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days. Heidi: I call it "Emoji Analysis". It isn't a student, it's an adult. Sheila: This ugliness came from our family! Heidi: I think it's one of the parents. Gerald: You're suppose to just laugh and make fun of shit. Ike: Daddy called you a pussy. Kyle: [stops thinking back] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Ike's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaches the open front door] Sheila: Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echoes around the neighborhood]
Scene: Captain's personal log, stardate 51247.5. It's been a week since our return to Deep Space Nine, but the mood of celebration continues. We're still at war, and the station's been designated Headquarters for the Ninth Fleet. That, plus our strategic position guarding the wormhole, makes DS Nine one of the most tempting targets in the entire quadrant. But for now at least, the war seems very far away. Sisko: Morning. Good morning. Morning, Major. Kira: Good morning, Captain. Sisko: Do you know how much I missed hearing you say that. Kira: Do you know how much I hated saying, Good morning, Dukat. Sisko: I can imagine. What's on the agenda? Kira: USS Potemkin has completed her repairs and is rejoining the fleet later today. Exeter, Sutherland and Akagi have submitted resupply requests, and there are about a thousand messages from Starfleet Command awaiting your eyes only attention. Sisko: Anything else? Kira: General Martok is waiting in your office. Sisko: Ah. I'll start with the General. Kira: Thought you would. Sisko: Have I mentioned that it's good to be home? Kira: Once or twice. Martok: You knew about this, didn't you? Sisko: I had a pretty good idea. Martok: And you did nothing to stop it? Sisko: No. In fact, I recommended you for the position myself. Allow me to offer my congratulations to the new Supreme Commander of the Ninth Fleet. Martok: Do you have any idea how much paperwork a Supreme Commander has to do? Sisko: You're welcome. May I arrange quarters for you on the station? Martok: No, I'll keep my flag aboard the Rotarran. It may be cramped, but at least I'll feel like I'm still in the war. By the way, I'd like Worf to continue functioning as my principal Intelligence Officer. Sisko: I don't see any problem with that. He's the only officer I know who can never get enough work. Martok: At least if he's busy he'll stop going on about this wedding of his. There were times aboard the Rotarran he nearly drove me mad. Until his son arrived, it was all he could talk about. Then Alexander became all he could talk about. The man is nothing if not single-minded. Sisko: I haven't met Worf's son yet. What's he like? Martok: He's a fine boy. Dedicated, eager. He has the heart of his father, but he's not the best soldier I've ever seen. Alexander: But when he ordered me to bring the system back online I thought he was still talking about the hydrostatic system, so Dax: You didn't engage the pumps while the check valves were open? Worf: He did. Alexander: I flooded the entire deck with superheated hydraulic fluid. It took me three days to clean it up, but I swear it still smells like burnt dog hair in there. Dax: Remind me to keep you away from the Defiant. You're a menace. Alexander: The Rotarran's crew actually thinks of me as a good luck charm. You know, the more mistakes I make, the safer they feel. I hope the Ya'Vang's crew feels the same way. Worf: The Ya'Vang? Alexander: I got new orders this morning. The battle cruiser Ya'Vang took heavy losses in their last engagement so most of the Rotarran's crew are being transferred there at the end of the week, including me. More bloodwine? Dax: Why not? Worf: No, not for me. Quark: Handsome young man. He must get his looks from his mother's side. Worf: What do you want? Quark: Have you had a chance to reconsider my offer? Worf: We are not getting married in this bar. The ceremony will take place on the Klingon homeworld after the war. Dax: Worf, let's do it here. This week, before Alexander leaves. Quark: Perfect. I'll handle all the arrangements. Worf: Wait. I thought we had agreed. Dax: We did, but I would hate for Alexander to miss his father's wedding. It would mean so much to him, and besides, it may be a long time before you see him again. Alexander: What's going on? Worf: Our wedding plans have changed. We are getting married here on Deep Space Nine. And I want you to be my Tawi'Yan. Dax: Sword-bearer. It's sort of like a best man. Alexander: Me? Really? Oh, that's great! Quark: I'll put that on your tab. Dax: it doesn't leave much time to make all the arrangements, but fortunately there isn't that much left to do. Worf's been planning the ceremony for the last three months. He has everything figured out, right down to the color of my shoes. Kira: No offense, Jadzia, but it seems like this wedding is all about what Worf wants. Habitat ring, section fifty one gamma. What about you? Dax: A traditional Klingon wedding with all the trimmings is something Worf's been thinking about since he was a boy. It probably has something to do with being raised by human parents. In any case, when it comes to Klingon tradition, Worf is very sentimental. Kira: Worf? Dax: All men are sentimental. They just cover it up with scowls and clenched jaws. There are times when Worf literally gets misty-eyed talking about Klingon rituals. Kira: So that's why you're letting him make the plans for the wedding? Dax: Mostly, but the truth is, I've gone through five Trill ceremonies three as a bride, two as a groom, and I'm a little bored with it. Dax: Is it my imagination, or did Odo just try and avoid us? Kira: I didn't notice. We've been avoiding each other ever since the Dominion left the station. I think we're both afraid of talking about what happened during the occupation. Dax: What do you mean? Kira: To tell you the truth, it's nothing I want to talk about right now either. Worf: Thank you for coming. As you probably know by now, Jadzia and I will be married here on the station in six days. Bashir: There's nothing more romantic than a wedding on DS Nine in springtime. O'Brien: When the neutrinos are in bloom. Worf: By tradition, the Klingon man spends the four nights before his wedding on a mental and spiritual journey. It is called Kal'Hyah, the path of clarity. And he is accompanied by his closest male friends. Martok: You cannot imagine the experience that awaits us. Four long nights filled with song and fellowship. A time of unbridled pleasures. O'Brien: Are we talking about a bachelor party? Worf: It is a similar ritual. Bashir: That's good enough for me. O'Brien: Me too. Sisko: Count me in. Worf: We will meet in the holosuite tomorrow night at twenty one hundred hours. Martok: I advise you all to get plenty of rest. Bashir: Four nights at a Klingon bachelor party. Just think of the possibilities. O'Brien: Thank God Keiko's not here. Sisko: I wonder what Dax will be doing while we're traveling down Kal'Hyah? Martok: She will be taking a different journey with my wife. Sisko: Your wife? Martok: By marrying Worf, Dax will be joining the House of Martok. Since the Mistress of a Great House must approve all marriages, Sirella will spend the next four days evaluating Jadzia. Martok: My Lady. Sirella: You've put on weight and your hair is going gray. Martok: My deterioration is proceeding apace. Sirella: I thought you would be in your grave by now. Martok: I shall endeavor to die this year, if possible. Allow me to present Captain Benjamin Sisko, Commander of Deep Space Nine. Captain, may I present the Mistress of the House of Martok, my wife and the mother of my children, Sirella, daughter of Linkasa. Sisko: Welcome to Deep Space Nine. Sirella: Thank you, Captain. Where is she? Martok: Jadzia's quarters are in the Habitat ring, section twenty five alpha. Shall I escort you? It's quite far away. Sirella: I'll find my way. If you'll excuse me. Martok: Magnificent, isn't she? Worf: Are these real var'Hama candles? Dax: Yes, Worf. I traveled to Kronos, I captured three targs in the Hamar Mountains, made the ritual sacrifice at dawn, came back to the station, asked Quark to boil their shoulders into tallow. Then I spent two days molding them into candles with my own hands. Worf: I was just asking. Dax: You were criticizing. Again. Relax. She's not going to reject a prospective daughter because the var'Hama candles in her welcoming display were replicated. Dax: Come in. Dax: Tuq son bosh mok A'Beh Sirella koh. E'Gagh vet moh. Sirella: What is he doing here? Worf: I meant no disrespect. Sirella: Then leave. Sirella: Your worthiness to join our House will now be judged according to the traditions of my family. Dax: I am prepared, my lady. Sirella: I doubt that. A Klingon woman would find it difficult to gain my favor. For an alien, it will most likely be impossible. Dax: I like a challenge. Sirella: I will not have my authority challenged by you. Dax: That's not what I meant. Sirella: If you cannot say what you mean, say nothing at all. The evaluation will begin tomorrow morning. Have the traditional meal prepared before I arrive. And in the future, if you cannot trouble yourself to make real var'Hama candles, try not to use such obvious fakes. Worf: You never told me that your wife was opposed to this marriage. Martok: Sirella is a woman of strong convictions. She believes that by bringing aliens into our families we risk losing our identity as Klingons. Worf: That is a prejudiced, xenophobic view. Martok: We are Klingons, Worf. We don't embrace other cultures, we conquer them. If someone wishes to join us, they must honor our traditions and prove themselves worthy of wearing the crest of a great House. Worf: Jadzia is worthy. Martok: Of course she is. She is an honorable woman and a formidable warrior. Worf: You should say that to Sirella. Martok: That's not such a good idea. I don't want her to think that I'm interfering in her domain. Worf: Perhaps I should speak with her. Coming from me, it would not seem like a challenge to her authority. Martok: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Worf: Why? Martok: Well, the truth is, she doesn't like you that much either. Worf: Me. Martok: Don't let that bother you I had every right to bring you into the family and she's accepted the fact that there's nothing she can do about it. Worf: How comforting. Martok: And they say that you have no sense of humor. Bashir: I could do without the heat. I can't say much for the decor either. O'Brien: Well, it can't be all fun and games. I'm sure there has to be some sort of ritual we have to go through before the party begins. There is going to be a party, isn't there? Alexander: You're asking me? I can barely say my name in Klingon. Martok: Prepare yourselves, my friends, for a journey you won't soon forget. Worf: These are Ma'Stakas. Bashir: What do we do with them? Martok: At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, you will use them to attack Worf and Dax. O'Brien: Obviously. Don't you know anything? Worf: The tradition dates back to the wedding of Kahless and Lukara, who were nearly killed by Molor's troops moments after they were married. Until the ceremony, you should keep them with you at all times. Sisko: I trust that this combat is non-lethal? Martok: It is a symbolic attack only. Worf: The food is not to be eaten. Alexander: Then what is it for? Worf: It is here to tempt us into breaking our fast. Sisko: Fast? Worf: There are six trials we must face on the path to Kal'Hyah. This is the first, deprivation. We now begin a fast that will continue until the day of the wedding. Bashir: That's four days away. Martok: It is a short time, I know, but we must make the best of it. Sisko: What are the other five trials? Worf: Blood, pain, sacrifice, anguish and death. Bashir: Sounds like marriage all right. O'Brien: How would you know? Worf: It is time to begin. Quark: More flowers up the banister. Ferengi: We're ready with the banner, boss. Quark: Raise it. You're up early. I thought writers slept late. Jake: Not always. I sold my first book today. Quark: Really? How much did you get for it? Jake: It's just a figure of speech. The Federation News Service is going to publish a book of my stories about life on the station under Dominion rule. Quark: And they're not paying you? Jake: No. Quark: Well then, you have my sympathies and the first round of drinks is on the house. Jake: Really? Quark: No. It's a figure of speech. Jake: Look, I want to tell my Dad about the book. Is he still in the holosuite? Quark: Oh, yeah, they're still up there. Jake: What are they doing? Quark: It's a Klingon bachelor party. You're a writer, use your imagination. Bashir: Alexander? Alexander: Grandma? Bashir: Guess again. Alexander: We're still on the Bashir: The road to Kal'Hyah, day five hundred. O'Brien: Maybe we should turn down the heat, you know, for Alexander's sake. Alexander: No, it's okay. I just need some water. Bashir: Now you don't want to push yourself too hard. You know, turning down the heat might be a good idea. Martok: The whole point is to push yourself to the limits of your endurance. Alexander: I will. I want to travel the entire path to Kal'Hyah. Stoke the fire again! Worf: As you wish. Martok: Of course, we cannot expect you non-Klingons to have the same stamina as we do. If you wish to quit, no one will think any less of you. Bashir: Who said anything about quitting? Sisko: Not me. O'Brien: I like the heat. Martok: That's the spirit! Kavek ko lee ko MARTOK + Worf: Eh to che mah lo Tah oo-wah kah esh to pah deh ah re! Yah bosh-ah! Yah bosh-ah!, Yah bosh tomah! Dax: Al'Qoch mensah t'lang cho. Sirella: Again. Dax: I've done it three times already. Sirella: You continue to rush through the ceremony, your body position is poor and the placement of the braziers on their pedestals is sloppy. Dax: Do you know how heavy those things are? Sirella: A Klingon woman would not complain. Dax: You wouldn't make a Klingon woman do it three times in a row. Sirella: I wouldn't have to. She'd have done it correctly the first time. End this now, Jadzia. Go back to your own people. They will tolerate your weaknesses and your failings in a way that a Klingon family never will. In our House, you would always be an alien, an outsider. At best, you'd be an object of pity. But you'd never be accepted, never an equal, because you can never truly be one of us. Dax: Ko'ma tlang'goS ak-bay. Hava'dak croosh tovah. Ko'ma Kahless. Ko'ma Kahless. Ko'ma Kahless. Dax: But the second Dynasty ended when General K'Trelan assassinated Emperor Reclaw. For the next ten years, the Empire was ruled by a Council elected by the people. Modern-day Klingon historians refer to this as The Dark Time, but it's interesting to note that this first and only experiment in Klingon democracy actually produced several reforms that Sirella: You are straying from the saga. Dax: Am I? Sirella: Your task is to recite the complete chronicle of the women in my family. Dax: I just thought I'd provide you with a broader historical perspective along the way. Sirella: I am familiar with Klingon history. Now, return to the story of my twenty third maternal grandmother, Shenara, daughter of Emperor Reclaw in the Second Dynasty. Dax: Well, that's where we run into a little bit of a problem. You see, I did some research and when Emperor Reclaw was killed all the members of the Imperial Family were also put to death. Including Shenara. When the Third Dynasty was founded ten years later, a new group of Klingons were given the titles and the names of the original Imperial Family to create the illusion of an unbroken line. So the woman that you think of as your twenty third maternal grandmother isn't related to you at all. Your real ancestor's name was Karana, a concubine living outside the Imperial stables. Sirella: My grandmother's name was Shenara. Dax: That may be what's been passed down from generation to generation, but it has no basis in fact. But who cares about facts? The chronicle says that you have imperial blood in your veins and that's exactly what we'll telling everyone. Sirella: Continue with the saga. Dax: My pleasure. Jake: Hey, Major. Is it true Dax is having a party tomorrow night? Kira: News travels fast. Jake: Well, is it by invitation or? Kira: I'm sure you're welcome, and you can tell Nog the same goes for him too. Jake: Great. Kira: Oh, I understand congratulations are in order to our newest published author. Jake: Thank you. Jake: What was all that about? Kira: Nothing. There they go. Kira: They look so serious. Jake: It's all an act. They don't want the rest of us to know what kind of debauchery they're up to. Kira: Like what? Jake: It's a Klingon bachelor party. Use your imagination. Worf: Now begins the trial of blood. Martok: Let rivers flow from our veins. Worf: Who will be the first? Worf: I did not expect it to be you, Doctor. Bashir: Neither did I. Worf: Do not worry. The pain will last for only a moment. Kira: Isn't that great? Kira: He's unbelievable! Woman: He's something. Dax: Lieutenant Manuele Atoa from the starship Sutherland! Rom: I've never seen anything like that. Leeta: Neither have I. Rom: Let's get something to eat. Jake: A woman of many talents. Quark: It's a shame she's about to waste them all on that walking frown she calls a fiancé. She's too good for him. I've said that from the beginning. Jake: Are you jealous? Quark: There's no profit in jealousy. Jake: That's not a denial. Quark: It's not to be quoted either. Jake: Don't worry. So when did you first realize you had these feelings for Dax? Quark, wait. Bashir: Miles? O'Brien: Yeah? Bashir: It's working. I've had a vision about the future. I can see it so clearly. O'Brien: What is it? Bashir: I'm going to kill Worf. I'm going to kill Worf. That's what I'm going to do. I can see it clearly now. I'm going to kill him. Kill him. O'Brien: Kill Worf. Kill Worf. Odo: I have been getting complaints about the noise. Someone even mentioned a fight? Kira: Oh, there was a scuffle between Morn and one of the Bolians, but they worked it out. Odo: How long will this party continue? Kira: This party will continue until further notice, on the personal authority of the station's First Officer, who just happens to be me. Odo: You're in a good mood. Kira: Yeah, well, it's a good party. Odo: Well. Kira: Odo. Odo, I think we have a lot to talk about. Odo: I agree. Kira: So let's talk. Odo: Now? Kira: Don't you think we've put it off long enough? Odo: Enjoy yourselves. Kira: Let's find someplace a little quieter. Dax: Thanks for the show. Atoa: Thanks for getting me the day off. Dax: Captain Shelby owed me a favor. Actually, he owed me several. In fact, how would you like to have another two days off? Atoa: Two? What do I have to do? Dax: Not much. Just give me something fun to look at for the rest of the evening. Atoa: Anything else? Dax: I'll let you know. Sirella: You! Leave her or I'll cut your head off and hang it from my belt. Dax: I'll take care of this. You weren't invited. Sirella: It is time for the Bre'Nan ritual. Dax: I'm busy. Sirella: Busy acting like a Risian slut. Dax: I'm only going to ask you to leave once. Sirella: You will come with me now and perform the Bre'Nan ritual to my satisfaction or I will cancel your wedding. Dax: Toruk-DOH! Nog: Ladies, please! Sirella: Mok'Ta vor, kash a'VEH! Dax: Why is everyone standing around? The party's just getting started. Play something. Dax: Double raktajino, extra sweet. Atoa: What time is it? Dax: Ten thirty hours. Atoa: Come on. Dax: Wrong door. Atoa: Excuse me, sir. Worf: Jadzia, we need to Dax: You're mad. Worf: I am concerned. Dax: Yeah, well, I'm hung over. Can we talk later? Worf: We have a very serious problem. Sirella has canceled the wedding. Dax: She doesn't waste any time, does she? Worf: She said you attacked her. Dax: She pulled a knife. Worf: You are forbidden to join the House of Martok. Dax: So I won't get invited to the family picnics. I'll live. Worf: I cannot believe how you're taking this so lightly. Dax: Do you hear that? Worf: What? Dax: It sounds like voices. Kira: Hi. Dax: Hi. Odo: Is the party over? Dax: You could say that. It's ten thirty. Kira: In the morning? I'm on duty. Odo: So am I. Kira: It was a great party. Dax: Thanks. Worf: We must deal with the situation now. Dax: Stop yelling. My head hurts. Worf: You must go to Sirella and beg her forgiveness. Dax: I don't beg. Worf: You are allowing your pride blind you. Dax: Look who's talking. You want me to go crawling to some old hag just so you can have your traditional Klingon wedding. Worf: This is about more than just tradition. You and I have embarked on a spiritual journey, one that will bind us together through this life and into the next. You cannot turn back now. Dax: Maybe you're on a spiritual journey, Worf, but I just want to get married. So why don't you go back to sweating and bleeding with your friends in the holosuite and when you're done, meet me in Benjamin's office and he'll perform the ceremony. Worf: If that is your attitude, perhaps Sirella was right about you. There should be no wedding. Dax: That's fine with me. Bashir: What's going on? Quark: Haven't you heard? The wedding's off. O'Brien: Off? Why? Quark: She says it's because he's a pigheaded, stubborn man who puts tradition before everything else. He says it's because she's a frivolous, emotional woman who refuses to take him or his culture seriously. You can see the problem. O'Brien: They're both right. Quark: Exactly. Bashir: Well, there's only one thing for it. O'Brien: Dinner. Quark: I'll get the menu. Worf: Enter. Martok: Worf, you've made a grave error. Worf: Perhaps. Martok: Do you still love her? Worf: Of course. However, in this case, that may not be enough. Anyone can see that we are hopelessly mismatched. She is a Trill, I am a Klingon. She has had five marriages, this would be my first. When she is laughing, I am somber. When I am happy, she is crying. She plays tongo with the Ferengi bartender. I can barely stand him. She mocks everything, while I take everything seriously. She is nothing like the woman I thought I would marry. Martok: We are not accorded the luxury of choosing the women we fall in love with. Do you think Sirella is anything like the woman I thought that I'd marry? She is a prideful, arrogant, mercurial woman who shares my bed far too infrequently for my taste. And yet I love her deeply. We Klingons often tout our prowess in battle, our desire for honor and glory above all else. But how hollow is the sound of victory without someone to share it with. Honor gives little comfort to a man alone in his home and in his heart. Quark: One steak with mushrooms, baked potato, sour cream and chives. O'Brien: I should've had that. Quark: One double Altair sandwich, no mustard, two bowls of linguini, Bajoran shrimp and extra cheese. One loaf of mapa bread. Bashir: Quark, where's the kava juice? Quark: They're still squeezing the roots. Unless you want replicated? Bashir: We'll wait. Sisko: What do you think you're doing? O'Brien: The wedding's been called off. Sisko: It's back on. Martok: Worf is apologizing to Jadzia at this very moment. Sisko: Quark, take it all away. No food for those on the path to Kal'Hyah. Quark: No refunds for those on the path to Kal'Hyah as well. Sorry. Alexander: Father, what happened? Worf: She refused to not change her mind. The wedding is still off. Sisko: Where is she? Worf: In her quarters. Sisko: I'll go talk to her. Just keep them away from the food. Dax: Come in. Save your breath. Worf went too far and now it's over. Do you know what he wanted me to do? He wanted me to go crawling on my hands and knees to Sirella to beg her forgiveness. Beg her! Me! I was once the Federation Ambassador to the Klingon Empire. I negotiated the Khitomer Accords before Worf was even born. Sisko: Curzon negotiated the Accords. And I've got news for you, old man. You're not Curzon anymore. Dax: And what the hell is that supposed to mean? Sisko: It means that you can't expect Sirella to treat you like Curzon just because you carry his memories. To her, you're just a young woman who decided to marry into her family. If it means you have to bow down and kiss her boots, that's exactly what you have to do. And you knew that. The moment you decided to marry Worf, you knew that sooner or later you'd have to bow down and show her the respect that she's due. Dax: This is Worf's fault. Worf and his traditional Klingon wedding. Sisko: Well, he may have let this wedding business go to his head, but you are three hundred fifty six years old. Compared to you, Worf is just a kid. And if you can't abide by Klingon traditions, then you never should have let yourself fall in love with him in the first place. And you are in love with him. Dax: I wasn't looking to fall in love. I was perfectly happy by myself. I had friends, a career, adventure. Then one day this Klingon with a bad attitude walked into my life and the next thing I know, I'm getting married. After three hundred fifty six years and seven lifetimes, I still lead with my heart. Sisko: You know, that is what I have always loved about you. And I think that's why Worf loves you, too. Dax: Whatever happened to that young, callow Ensign I used to know? The one who used to turn to me for advice all the time? You know, the one with hair? Sisko: I grew up. Dax: I guess it's time I grew up, too. Sirella: With fire and steel did the gods forge the Klingon heart. So fiercely did it beat, so loud was the sound, that the gods cried out, 'On this day we have brought forth the strongest heart in all the heavens. None can stand before it without trembling at its strength.' But then the Klingon heart weakened, its steady rhythm faltered and the gods said, 'Why have you weakened so? We have made you the strongest in all of creation. And the heart said Worf: I am alone. Sirella: And the gods knew that they had erred. So they went back to their forge and brought forth another heart. Sirella: But the second heart beat stronger than the first, and the first was jealous of its power. Sirella: Fortunately, the second heart was tempered by wisdom. Dax: If we join together, no force can stop us. Sirella: And when the two hearts began to beat together, they filled the heavens with a terrible sound. For the first time, the gods knew fear. They tried to flee, but it was too late. The Klingon hearts destroyed the gods who created them and turned the heavens to ashes. To this very day, no one can oppose the beating of two Klingon hearts. Not even me. Worf, son of Mogh, does your heart beat only for this woman? Worf: Yes. Sirella: And will you swear to join with her and stand with her against all who oppose you? Worf: I swear. Sirella: Jadzia, daughter of Kela, does your heart beat only for this man? Dax: Yes. Sirella: And do you swear to join with him and stand with him against all who would oppose you? Dax: I swear. Sirella: Then let all present here today know that this man and this woman are married. Bashir: Now? Martok: Not yet. Bashir: Now? Martok: Patience. Dax: My lady. Sirella: Welcome to the House of Martok, my daughter. Martok: Now, Doctor!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen sitting at the breakfast table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of plates Stan: [impatiently tapping the table] Dude, where is she? We can't wait. Kyle: God, this is gonna be sooo yummy. Cartman: Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?! [Sharon arrives] Sharon: Hi boys. Stan: Mom! Kyle: She's here! Cartman: She's got Colonel! Kyle: I want some! Cartman: Oh boy! Stan: [twirling around] I want a breast! Cartman: Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy? Sharon: Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken. The boys: Awww! Stan: But Mom, we've been waiting for hours! Sharon: It won't take a minute. Cartman: Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast. Stan: All right. Kyle: [firmly] Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good. [Cartman stays behind and quickly sits back down. As the other boys head out of the kitchen, Cartman rips the skins off the chicken pieces and wolfs them down. Sharon and the other boys return with the groceries.] Stan: Okay, this is everything, mom. [the boys return to their seats] Kyle: All right, let's eat Colonel! [Cartman leaves as the others sit] Stan: Oh, boy! [they see the denuded chicken pieces. Stan looks at Cartman in anger] Cartman, you ate the skin off of EVERY PIECE OF CHICKEN! Cartman: [turns around] Well, I saved you all the chicken part. [quiet burp] Kyle: The skin's the best part... Cartman: [puts on his jacket] Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow. [he leaves the kitchen. The boys are puzzled as to what to do about it. Burying his head in his arms, Kenny sobs] Scene Description: The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop, still angry because Cartman ate the chicken skin last night. Cartman hasn't arrived Stan: I can't believe that fat asshole! Kyle: You can't believe it?? He does this shit all the time! Stan: Well this time he's gone too far! Kenny: (Yeah, fuck him!) Stan: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway? Kyle: Hello?? I've been saying this for years! Stan: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time! Kyle: Yes, but he thrives on that. Stan: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him. Kenny: (Fuck yeah!) Kyle: That sounds great! Cartman: [arriving] Hey fags, what's going on? [no one says a word] Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die. [silence] Kyle: Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow? Stan: I think I have extra. Cartman: Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one. [Stan fishes around for some money in his pockets, walks over a bit, and gives it to Kyle] Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes? Stan: Here you go. Kyle: Thanks. [Stan returns to his post next to Kenny] Cartman: Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have glassy eyes? Like Kyle? [neither of them says a thing] Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off? [chuckles. Kenny scratches his right side a bit] Kenny? Kenny?? [the bus pulls up and opens the door. The boys head inside. Stan enters first] Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric! [Kenny enters next] Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents? [Kyle enters last] Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here! [Seeing no reaction, Cartman is stunned. The door closes and the bus pulls away] Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were... [close-up] dead. [dramatic music] No. No, I can't be dead. [runs off] I can't be dead!! Scene Description: The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers are carrying away a box Black plumber: All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya. Liane: Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you. Black plumber: Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh. Liane: Ohoho, nhn. Scene Description: Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box away and he fears the worst Cartman: No! No!! Fat plumber: What happened? Did they say? Thin plumber: Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides. Fat plumber: Aww, that's tragic. Cartman: Oh my God, this can't be happening! [he then hears his mother wailing softly, then louder] Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true! [he gets closer to her window. Inside his mother's room, on her bed, the black plumber is pounding Liane from behind, but the bed's noise does not reach Cartman's ears. Cartman turns, wailing.] Oh, it's not fair! [falls to his knees and cries out] Why??? Why??? [cries some more. Liane cries out some more as well] Scene Description: The playground, recess Jimmy: Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? [Kyle catches a football] Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. [throws the football back] Kyle: We're ignoring him. Token: Ignoring him? How come? Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath! Token: Oh yeah. Craig: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you? Blond: Yeah. Kevin: Me too. Other boys: Yeah, screw him! Yeah. Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option. Cartman: [arriving] Guys! Guys? [the two teams are seen: On screen left are Jimmy, Token, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. On screen right are Timmy, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and the blond boy. The teams toss the football at each other] Can anybody hear me? You guys?? [approaches Token] Token, Token, I'm here! [leaves] Hello! Hello! Hello! [approaches Clyde] Clyde, can't you feel me? [moves him around, but no reaction from Clyde] Feel me, Clyde! [moves on to Jimmy] Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric! [blows on Jimmy] Jimmy! [puff] Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me! [turns away] They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead. [begins to tear up] Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul. Scene Description: Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town crying, and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]'' Woman: What is that kid doing? Man: Ah I don't know, just ignore him. Scene Description: A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's cries have gotten deeper, more emotional Scene Description: Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house. Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins Scene Description: Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk to the front door Butters: Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too- Cartman: [walking by, lamenting his fate] What did I do to deserve this?! [Butters pays attention] How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?! Butters: Hey Eric! [goes back to shoveling snow. Cartman stops in his tracks] Cartman: ...What did you say? Butters: Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!" Cartman: Butters... [runs back to Butters] Butters! You can see me?? Butters: Well, sure I can see you. Cartman: Oh my God, and you can hear me?? Butters: [giggles] Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you? Cartman: Because, Butters, I'm... dead. [a few moments of silence] Butters: [screams and drops his shovel and runs off, hiding behind the family car. Cartman follows him] Cartman: Butters! Butters, I just want to talk to you! Butters: You died?? How?? Cartman: I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides. Butters: But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you? Cartman: I don't know, but you're the only one who can. Butters: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs toward the front door, opens it and runs inside, slamming it shut] Cartman: Butters! [tries to open the door, then pounds on it furiously] Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help! Scene Description: The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors. Butters is hiding there. Linda: Butters, what on earth are you doing?? Butters: Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people! Linda: Dead people? Stephen: Who's seeing dead people? Butters: Me! I saw a ghost! Stephen: Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts. Butters: But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now! Stephen: Butters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you. Butters: Ruh, really? Stephen: Yeess. Butters: So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then? Stephen: That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS. Butters: Huh s-s-super-AIDS? Stephen: That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years. Butters: AAAH! [drops his flashlight] Oh Jesus. Stephen: So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS. Scene Description: Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to sleep. Butters: Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder. [closes his eyes, but a thunderclap opens his eyes wide] Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a mouse. [he looks out the window again. Cartman is seen standing by the bedroom door] Cartman: Butters... Butters: [points] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [turns away and ducks under his covers] Cartman: Butters, you have to help me! Butters: Go away! You aren't real! Cartman: All right, Butters, you leave me no choice. [pulls out a chain, rattles it, and utters ghostly sounds] Butters: [panics, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Cartman leaves the bedside and hides. Butters' door opens and his parents walk in] Stephen: Butters, what is going on?! Butters: Well I saw... [points to... nothing] Well he was... [sees there's nothing to prove] Nothin' I-I just had a nightmare. Stephen: Well you'd better stop having nightmares or else you're gonna be grounded! Butters: Y yes, yes sir. [they leave, but Stephen takes one last quick look around, then closes the door. Butters mumbles a few things, then tries to sleep] Cartman: [suddenly on the bed] Butters. Butters: AH- [quickly muffles his mouth so his parents don't hear] Cartman: Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me! Butters: But I don't want to see you! Cartman: Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the passage to Heaven. Butters: Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven? Cartman: What do you mean? Butters: Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck. Cartman: I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm not black, all right?! Butters: Oh. Cartman: Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you. Butters: I can't. Ahah, I have school tomorrow. Cartman: This is your problem, Butters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life! [brings out the chain, rattles it, and makes ghostly noises with his voice] Butters: Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you! Scene Description: Dawn at Cartman's Residence, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house. Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing into a small towel. Butters: Mrs. Cartman? Liane: Yes? [turns around] Oh hi. Butters: This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something. Liane: Oh, what is it? Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I love her. Butters: He says, he love you. [Cartman sobs] Liane: [moved] Oh, that's so nice. Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes! Butters: He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes. Cartman: [emotional] It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted! Butters: He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted. Liane: Oh, that's so sweet. [teary-eyed] Oh, I love you too, poopiekins! [sobs. Cartman sobs too, and then Butters sobs in sympathy] Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it Butters: Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew. [Cartman sobs. Kyle looks, then gets annoyed] He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times. Cartman: Just the good times. Kyle: There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself! Cartman: I can't! Don't you understand?! Butters: He can't! Don't you understand?! Cartman: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me! Butters: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him! Cartman: [whips out a notepad] All right, come on, Butters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black. [turns around and walk off] Butters: Uhh alright then. [Butters turns to follow, and Kyle is left looking puzzled] Scene Description: Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them Stan: Who was that? Kyle: It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him. Stan: Dude, he did that to me this morning. Kenny: (Me too.) Kyle: He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle. Kenny: (That guy would try anything) Stan: Yeah, we know better than to think that. Scene Description: Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking off more names on his notepad. Cartman: Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's everyone, I guess. [turns around] All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you. Butters: [shuffles his right foot out of modesty] Aww, that's okay, Eric. Cartman: [puts away the notepad in his inside jacket pocket.] Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now. Butters: So I won't see you again? Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters: Wow. Cartman: [backs up and waves his hands in front of him as if in a haze] G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!! [Cartman steps back a bit more, then stops, then is annoyed] Butters: Yeh you're still here. Cartman: Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on? Butters: Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough. Cartman: What else do I have to do?! Butters: Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did. Cartman: Atone? Butters: Did you ever do anything really bad? Cartman: [thinks] Not really... Scene Description: In Butters' bedroom, later Cartman: Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it. Butters: [writing] Broke fence... Cartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uhh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid. Butters: Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for. Cartman: Really? Butters: Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this. Cartman: I know how. Scene Description: Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside a basket, a pair of scissors cutting away at a thick transparent plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more baskets ready to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria. The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves. Butters and Cartman walk to their next destination with another basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street. They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth. Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struthers' door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks off the last atonement. Eric Cartman: I'm gonna make, make it right. I'm gonna take a little time and set things right. Make, make it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. It feels so good to be making up For all the things I've done wrong. I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven Wanted from me all along. All along, I'm gonna make, make it right. Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate. Not faking it, I'm making it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. Make, make it right! Make, make it right! Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight! Cartman: Well, there's everything, Butters. [stands up and walks off a bit] I've made everything right. Butters: Does this mean... you have to go now? Cartman: Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. [waves his hands around again as if in a haze] Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye... [his back hits the wall under the window, and he looks at his hands] Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right! Butters: Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason. Cartman: I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?! [grabs Butters' bat and begins destroying his room with it. First to go is the lamp on top of the foot locker, then something else, then a picture of Butters sitting on a tree stump, then the television, then the television stand, ] Do you think this is funny? Butters: Eric! Calm down. Cartman: [destroys the bookshelves, then the toy area] Stupid butthole God! [chucks the bat at Butters, who leans out of the way. The bat smashes his mirror apart. Cartman leaves. Butters surveys the damage, then his parents show up] Stephen: Butters! What have you done?! Butters: I-I-it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost! Linda: Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor. Stephen: No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him. Scene Description: Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on house call leaves Butters' bedroom Linda: What do you think, Doctor? Doctor: Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests. Linda: Oh no. [buries her face in Stephen's shoulder] NO! Scene Description: South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up Doctor: [in a booth with Butters' parents] All right, Butters, just try to relax. [two robot arms grab Butters along the sides of his torso and head, pick him up, and flip him over] Doin' just fine, Butters. [the arms reposition themselves and raise Butters a little higher. A big red anal probe closes in and begins to vibrate] Just stay perfectly still now, Butters. Butters: [nervous, tries to look back] Lu lu lu, lu lu lu [the anal probe enters and shakes him violently] Doctor: Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters. [the probe takes one last, deep jab. Then, to Stephen.] Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it. [the robot arms now rock Butters back and forth as the probe does its stuff.] Scene Description: Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents are at bedside Doctor: Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome. You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear. Butters: So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time. Stephen: Now do you believe us, Butters? Butters: Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you. Doctor: Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest. [they leave] Linda: [stays behind long enough to kiss Butters on the forehead] Goodnight, baby. [leaves. The lights go out] Butters: [relaxing and sleeps...] Ahhh. [...but Cartman appears at the foot of the bed] Cartman: Butters. Butters: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Cartman: Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get you out of here. Butters: Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore. Cartman: I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look! [shows Butters an ad for a psychic] Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do! Butters: Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event. Cartman: She's gonna close soon! Come on! [pulls Butters out of bed and away] Butters: Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain! Scene Description: The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television, but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there Butters: [still with heavy eyelids] Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you? Psychic: Certainly. Come in. [Butters and Cartman follow her in] Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek. Butters: Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane. Psychic: Well, many times, the reason that the soul stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event. Cartman: Of course. That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time! Psychic: But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time. Butters: Really? Psychic: Yes. When's the last time you saw yours? Butters: Well, he's sittin' next to me right now. Psychic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out of the room screaming. The TV turns on mysteriously behind the boys] Butters: Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost. Cartman: I told you, Butters. [a breaking news item comes on] Announcer: This is breaking news! Anchor Tom: A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people hostage at the Red Cross! Reporter Chris: Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to kill all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash. Cartman: Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day! Scene Description: The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the police try to control the crowd Officer: Stay back, people! Man: Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there! Det. Yates: Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt. Lead convict: You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man! Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police barricade Cartman: All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages. Butters: Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me. Cartman: Don't worry. I have a plan. [movers towards an entrance] Butters: Eric. [Cartman turns around] Well, be careful, ghost pal. Cartman: They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead. [Cartman moves towards the front door. The detective notices] Det. Yates: What the hell is that kid doing? Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian blinds Bald convict: Somebody's comin' in! Convict 2: It's just some little fat kid. [the door opens and Cartman walks in. He starts making haunting, ghostly noises and rattling desks] Bald convict: What the hell is going on? Convict 2: I have no idea. Cartman: Yes, it's working! [hops on a chair, picks up a book, waves it around, and flips the pages in the lead convict's face] Lead convict: This is really weird. [Cartman walks over to a file cabinet, opens a drawer, and tosses out all sorts of papers. Butters enters the building, walking quietly as Cartman keeps the three convicts distracted] Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Reporter Chris: An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross. [footage of Cartman entering the building is shown] Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news Stan: Cartman? Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down. Butters has left the door open Bald convict: [scratches his head] I'm so confused! [Butters goes over to the office, removes the chair blocking the door, and opens the door.] Butters: Hurry. Go, go! [the hostages leave quickly, quietly. They exit the Red Cross.] Officer 2: The hostages are clear! Det. Yates: [through the bull horn] All right, move in! [the officers move in. Cartman is dancing around shaking the bells and making ghostly noises] Convict 2: The hostages are gone! Bald convict: What?! [the officers pour in and arrest the convicts] Son of a bitch. Reporter Chris: Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes. Scene Description: The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take his leave for the third time Cartman: Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day. Butters: Boy, we sure did. Cartman: My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends. Butters: Yeah. Uh I feel that way too. Cartman: We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you. Butters: I'll miss you too, ghost pal. Cartman: [backs up again, waving his hands before him] Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbye! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him from his right side, Clyde, Token and Jimmy approach him from his left] Stan: Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did. Clyde: Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now. [both Cartman and Butters are stunned that everyone can suddenly see Cartman] Kyle: We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have. Stan: Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow. Jimmy: Yeah. S-see ya, Eric. [Butters looks down] Cartman: [pissed off] You sonofabitch Butters! Butters: Huh? Cartman: You told me I was a ghost! Butters: Huh but I thought you were one! Cartman: How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to [points his finger at Butters] Get you back! [runs off. Butters just looks at him, baffled. His parents arrive with the doctor] Stephen: [angered] Butters?! Butters: Oh hamburgers.
John Dimaggio: Prepare for the stereophonic experience. Bender: Aw, New New York City! Woooo! Woooo! Don' worry about it! Do the robot, baby! Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! Hiking is always such a strain on the buttocks. Fry: Shh! What was that sound? Bender: It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That sounds like this. Aww, they're so cute when they're scared. Fry: I meant the sound Bigfoot just made. He's been sighted a lot in this area recently. Just last week, a blind hiker felt him. Farnsworth: Don't tell me you actually believe in Bigfoot, you blathering ninny-hammer. Fry: Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with. Zoidberg: Why? Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters yet longed to be one. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that. Leela: Ugh! Enough emotions! This isn't a fat camp, for God's sake. Although you wouldn't know it from looking. Zoidberg: Bender, if you want to sleep in the tent tonight, you're welcome to join me and Hermes for a little "just friends" spooning. Bender: Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars. Real comfy! Ranger Park: Hey, I'm Ranger Park, the park ranger. Fry: I get it! Ranger Park: Now since this area's a national Bigfoot preserve, we'll start with a short film about Bigfoot while I make a few phone calls. Narrator: Bigfoot ... ... Endangered Mystery! In the dense forests of the Pacific Northwest ... ... dwells the strange and beautiful creature known as Bigfoot, perhaps. Fry: That proves it! Narrator: Sadly, logging and human settlement today threaten what might possibly be his habitat. Although if it's not, they don't. Bigfoot populations require vast amounts of land to remain elusive in. They typically dwell just behind rocks but are also sometimes playful, bounding into thick fogs and out-of-focus areas. Ranger Park: It should say "Top Quality Exercycle For Sale" and could you put "top quality" in bold? You can't? OK, whatever. Narrator: Remember, it's up to us. Bigfoot is a crucial part of the ecosystem, if he exists. So let's all help keep Bigfoot possibly alive for future generations to enjoy unless he doesn't exist. The end. Ranger Park: I-I gotta call you back. Alright, questions? Sal: Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet? Ranger Park: Technically, no. But I do see him each night in my dreams and each day in the smiling faces of hairy children. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up! Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot. Farnsworth: Shut up! Bender: Oh, my God! Look! It's Bigfoot! Ranger Park: Where? Bender: Eh, he's gone. He said you should keep wasting your life though. Petunia: Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the county fair. Ranger Park: What you saw was Bigfoot the monster truck. But thanks for a great question. Fry: Sir, if I may, why don't you just set up like a billion video cameras in the woods and see if he walks by one? Ranger Park: Ah, that would be very expensive, and most people who believe in Bigfoot are broke. Bender: Hey, look! Bigfoot! He's back! Ranger Park: Where? Bender: Up your face! Everybody do the Bender! Amy: The sky out here is amazing. Look at all those satellites. Farnsworth: Goodnight, employees. Hermes: Goodnight. Zoidberg: Goodnight, Hubert. Fry: You doin' alright out there, buddy? Bender: Better than these gnats! That guy won't be goin' home to his kids. Bender: Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of boogen? Oh, God, I wish I was safe inside a tent. Fry! Fry wake up! It's me, Bigface! Bender: Come out and groom my mangy fur! Fry: Huh? Bigfoot? You taught yourself English? Fry: Bigfoot? Bigfoot? Fry: Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the others, Bigfoot; I see through your monster coatings to the gentle loner inside. I bet you have a wounded racoon friend that you tenderly nurse back to health while you go... But in the end they shoot you. But you teach us about things. Oh. Just a flying saucer. Excuse me? You can't park here. The parking area's over there. Wow! Nice tube. Hey! Hey, what's the big idea? Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity plate say "Probe 1"? Leela: There's nothing so refreshing as the clean, crisp taste of this bold Canadian beer. Hermes: Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go do some business behind that tree. Amy: Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent? Bender: "Bender"! Leela: Bender raises a good point Where is Fry? Fry: Amy, you won't believe what happened ... ... it was so scary that you wouldn't- I know, but listen, it gets even scarier. Farnsworth: Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to you? Fry: That's what I'm trying to tell you. See- Why are you all staring at me like that? Is there something on my face? Hermes: Uh ... no. Leela: Someone should tell him. Fry: Tell me what? Leela: Nothing. Zoidberg: Well I have a lot of experience telling patients bad news, so let me break it to him gently. Fry, you have no nose! Your nose is gone! You have no nose on your face! Where it is I can't say but on your face it's not! Fry: What? Bender: Aww! I think it's sweet. You chopped off your nose so you could look more like your hero. Me, Bender! Fry: My God! They must have taken it last night. Farnsworth: Which last night? Fry: In the woods. I was walking ... for Bigfoot, looking ... and then aliens beamed me up. Amy: Were they little grey dudes with big oval heads? I don't get that gesture. Am I wrong? Zoidberg: Cheer up, friend. When we get home a high-quality prosthesis will have you looking good as new. Fry: I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined. Hermes: Man, you are such a jokester! Fry: I'll never have another moment of happiness. Leela: I know you're trying to mask your pain with humour, but don't worry. I'm sure the Professor can clone you a new nose. Fry: Eh, it wouldn't be the same. I want my nose. I don't want to have to teach a new one how to shoot milk when I laugh. Farnsworth: Well there's no sense fretting. Good Lord, you're ugly! The fact is your nose is gone and we'll never find out who did it or why. Bender: Guys! Guys! There's something on television. Linda: Alien abductions Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned ... without noses. Fry: Like me! Morbo: The culprits Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit. Linda: The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac. Fry: My nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna drop a barf! Morbo: Demand for human horn is great, due, in part, to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch. Neptunian Woman: Human horn? But ... it is forbidden! Neptunian Man: So is our love. Fry: Blech! We have to track down my nose before some alien snarfs it and does the worm. Who's in? Leela: Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if he feels like it. Zoidberg: No, I'm good. Alien: Let's see, I'll take a pancreas, two sphincters and a large Coke. Vendor: One number three combo! Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery Barn. Leela: Wait. What's that? Salesman: Welcome, friends. How may I pervert you? Fry: Uh, I'm looking for human horn. Salesman: Shh! You're not cops, right? Leela: Of course not. In fact, he's a crook. Bender: Yep. Stolen Pez anyone? Salesman: Right this way. Salesman: Human horn. So fresh you can still see the eyeglass marks. Fry: Nope. Uh-uh. Ew! Now look. This is the nose we want. Did you sell it to somebody? Salesman: I'm sorry, sir, but due to the perverted nature of our business, customer records are strictly confidential. Right this way. Salesman: I video-tape everyone who comes in here so I can blackmail them later. Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster, what do I care what you think? Here's the weirdo who bought your horn. Leela: That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8. Lrrr: You got any, uh, you know, uh human horn? Salesman: Speak up! You're muttering! Lrrr: I said, uh human horn? Salesman: You're not a cop, right? Lrrr: Oh, no, no. I'm just some guy ... ruler of the planet Omicron Persei 8! Lrrr: So let me get this straight If I buy eight Caramello bars, you all get to go to some camp. Bender: Yep. That's exactly the lie we used to get past your guards. Fry: Oh, great space king, I humbly beg you to return my human horn. Lrrr: Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why would a virile male like Lrrr need human horn? I don't even know what it's for. What is it, something you-you put in salad dressing? Nd-Nd: Like you've ever seen a salad. Lrrr: My weight is appropriate and attractive! Leela: Whoa! You guys have issues. Lrrr: She has issues! I'm fine! But there's no human horn around here, so make friends with the door. Fry: Alright. I give up. I guess I'll just go home and marry a skunk. Nd-Nd: Oh, let's just give it to him. Here. Fry: My nose! Light of my face! Lrrr: Uh, what is that? How do you have that, Nd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My friend left it here. Leela: Hold still, Fry. I can reattach it with my emergency face laser. Fry: Hey! You burned my cheek! Leela: Yeah, sorry, I wasn't really concentrating. Fry: No, I mean the singed flesh, I can smell it! And those lilacs on the table. Lrrr: At least someone noticed. Nd-Nd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs. Lrrr: She also liked to shut up! Fry: Well, great seeing you. I guess we'll be on our- Bender: Yo, Highness. Uh, just out of robo-curiosity, why would you use a guy's nose for an aphrodisiac instead of his, you know, wing-dang-doodle? Lrrr: But, uh, I thought the horn was the human wing-dang-doodle. Bender: No, sir, chief! The main event, so to speak, is downstairs near the wallet. Ever seen soccer players line up to block a free kick? They ain't covering their noses, I'll tell you that much. Well, see you! Lrrr: Interesting. The trousers conceal a tiny secondary horn. Fry: Hey, what've you heard? Lrrr: Guards! Seize him! Prepare to harvest the lower horn! Fry: OK, you can have my nose. Lrrr: Guards! Guard #1: Yeah? Lrrr: Remove the human's lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me. Nd-Nd: In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it. Lrrr: Then bring it to our royal bedchamber and put it in the sock drawer with all the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman. Guard #2: Remove pants! Fry: Wait! Listen. I'm usually the first guy to toot my own lower horn- Bender: I'll say! Fry: But in this case I-I just don't think it'll do any good. Bender: That's what she said! Leela: Let's face it, you two have deep relationship problems that can't be solved by an aphrodisiac. Fry: However huge it might be. Nd-Nd: So what do you suggest, painfully-single human? Leela: Well, why don't you think back to what brought you together in the first place? Nd-Nd: Oh, I don't know. Lrrr used to be so tender. Lrrr: I only wrote that poem to test my printer. Nd-Nd: We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr would find injured little tinkle-bunnies and nurse them back to health. Lrrr: Yes, but I'm the one who injured them! Nd-Nd: Oh, shush. You stepped on them by accident and then you cried all night. That's the kind of sensitive man you used to be. Lrrr: And you used to wear a size-3 cape. But not anymore! Now bring me that lower horn while I'm still in the mood. Fry: Wh-What if we helped you get your passion back without the hassle of mutilating me? Leela: Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains. We could take you there for a romantic dinner under the stars. Nd-Nd: Hmm. Sounds interesting. But he would never do it. Lrrr: Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna be blamed for not going. Fry: Then it's a deal. We get one night. I keep my horn as long as you two end up doing the horizontal monster mash. Bender: I don't get it! Bender: Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine for the edge of the table? Lrrr: No, thanks. Just water, please. Tap water! Nd-Nd: Oh, big spender! Lrrr: That's it! This date is over. Waiter! Fry: So, what can I get you this evening? Lrrr: Your lower horn! Fry: I'll just start you off with some bread. Some sexy, arousing bread! Lrrr: Fine! But none of that whole-grain goat food. And bring plenty of melted butter. Nd-Nd: Why don't you just inject some fat straight into your ass and cut out the middle man? Lrrr: One of these days, Nd-Nd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8! Lrrr: Mmm! This jerked chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked. Bender: It's used to it! Fry: So, uh, how are you two snooky-poopums doing? Nd-Nd: Poorly. Lrrr: My wife is right, for once. There's very little magic in the air. Ready the lower horn transport vessel. Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin? Hey, uh, mind if I stick these in here? Guard #1: Go for it. Leela: Don't worry, Fry. Things look bad but I still have a trump card; the most beautiful love song ever written. (singing badly) And I will always love you, Will always love you. Nd-Nd: The humans are attacking! Lrrr: Pluck the lower horn and let's get out of here! Bender: Quick, Fry! Run for it! Fry: Come on, freedom cage! Roll me to safety! Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle, but I pulled it out! Bender: Just like at the movie theatre! Lrrr: Give me that! Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right! Lrrr: Well, hello there, my furry friend. Nd-Nd: Look at his adorable little feet. Yes, you are a cutie-pie. Ranger Park: Holy macaroni! I can't believe I'm seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh, I've waited my entire life for this moment. Nd-Nd: What? Bender: What are you doing with that? Lrrr: You're going to kill this innocent giganto? Ranger Park: Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilize him so I can chop off his feet as proof he exists. Then dump him back in the wild. He'll do fine. Lrrr: You'll have to get through me first. Ranger Park: OK. Nighty night! Lrrr: Now leave this gentle Sasquatch, or Wood Ape, in peace so I can finally and at long last harvest this pathetic human's lower horn. Fry: Yeah! Lrrr: Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this beast's lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough. Ranger Park: Score! Lrrr: This human's lower horn is one of God's creatures, a living thing, and all living things, large and small- Bender: In this case "small"! Lrrr: Have dignity and a spark of the divine. Nd-Nd: That's the gentle, sensitive, poet warlord I fell in love with. Lrrr: Uh, you'll wanna retreat to a safe, 500-metre radius! Leela: Well, Fry, it looks like you get to hold onto your lower horn. Bender: As usual! Run away! Narrator: You're on a scenic route through a state recreation known as the human mind. You ask a passer-by for directions, only to find he has no face or something. Suddenly, up ahead, a door in the road. You swerve, narrowly avoiding The Scary Door. Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all. Man: It turns out it's Man.
Karen: Hey. Jim: Hey. Karen: Who are you faxing so early in the morning? Jim: Oh, umm... kinda hard to explain. Jim: I don't have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but, before I left, I took a box of Dwight's stationery, so, from time to time, I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] 'Dwight, at 8 A.M. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.' Dwight: No![knocks coffee out of Stanley's hand.] You'll thank me later. Michael: There she is - Jan Levinson. First... Jan: Michael. Michael: ...thing in the morning. Love to start my morning with a hearty bowl of Jan. Jan: Michael. Michael: [singing] Just call me Levinson in the morning, baby. Jan: Michael. Michael: Yes. Jan: I am here to tell you that we are closing the Scranton branch. Michael: I don't understand. Jan: The board voted last night to close your branch. Michael: On whom's authority? Jan: The board's. Michael: What? Jan: I'm very sorry. I don't relish telling you this. You've been a big part of this company, and the board asked me to thank you for your years of service. Michael: You're welcome. Jan: A small number of people will be transferred to the Stamford branch, and the rest will be getting severance packages. Michael: Am I a small number person or a severance package person? Jan: Well, we haven't made final decisions about personnel yet. But you're a severance package person. Michael: Oh... [burrys head in hands] Oh, my god. Oh, my god! I don't really get it 'cause we're not doing that bad and our numbers are gonna come up. Jan: Well, it's not all about numbers, Michael. Michael: Well... Jan: It's... it's about talent. Michael: Oh, you gotta be... Josh? Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company's future. Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe? Michael: It is an outrage, that's all. It's... hey're making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. You think Stanleys grow on trees? Well they don't. There is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyllises? Show me that farm. With Phyllises and Kevins sprouting up all over the place. Ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm. Michael: Pictures. Memories. [Picks up a framed photo of Stanley's daughter from Stanley's desk] Look at that. They grow up so fast. Dwight: Hey stranger. Michael: Don't say that. That just sounds weird. Please. Dwight: Sorry. I just feel like we haven't talked in awhile. Michael: Well... we have nothin to talk about, Dwight. Just do your work ... while you still can. Dwight : When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael's book is, 'Something Weird is Going On.' Colon, 'What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story. By Michael Scott, with Dwight Schrute.' Karen: Hey, um... did you hear about your friends in Pennsylvania? Rumor has it that the Scranton Branch is... [clicks her tongue to her mouth motions chopping off a head] Jim: Really? Wow... that's bad. Andy: Um, sorry... the Scranton branch is closing? [Karen nods and Andy looks at Jim] In your face! Jim: Well, I work here now. Andy: Mmmm.. suck-ah! Pam: Are you okay? Michael: Yeah, great! Amazing. Best physical condition of my life. Pam: What did Jan want? Michael: Nothing. Just checking in. I can't tell you, so... Pam: What can't you tell me? Michael: Nothing, Pam.[whispers to himself] What difference does it make? We'll be gone in a couple of weeks anyway. Pam: What?! Michael: What? Pam: You just said that we're gonna be gone...? Michael: Do I have any messages? Pam: Michael, what's going on? Michael: Ok, ok... Michael: [facing the whole office] Listen up, everybody... I have some news. We are screwed. Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton is being shut down. Toby: Michael, uh... we shouldn't be talking about this until all the decisions have been made. Michael: You knew about this all along, didn't you? Toby: Jan told me just a few minutes before she told you. Michael: Traitor. You are a traitor. Angela: What about us, Michael? Do we still have jobs? Michael: I don't know. Probably not. This is the worst. Ryan: It makes perfect sense that it would happen today because I just received this in the mail. [holds up cards] A thousand business cards with this address and phone number. Angela: I don't want to blame anyone in particular. I think everyone's to blame. Kelly: If I get to stay and Ryan is laid off, I will kill myself. Like Romeo and Juliet, the Claire Danes one. Andy: [surrounded by clapping coworkers] Stamford, Connecticut! Stamford, Connecticut! Jim: I worked in Scranton for a really long time. And uh, it's going to be weird that it's all disappearing. I mean, I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans. Stanley: I couldn't be happier. I'm gonna take the severance and retire. My wife and I are gonna travel. [chuckles] I really couldn't be happier. Pam: It's a blessing in disguise. Actually, not even in disguise. Sometimes at home, I answer the phone, 'Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam.' So, maybe that'll stop now. Roy: What does that mean? Kevin: Well, some of us are fired and a few are going to Connecticut. Roy: I don't really want to work here without Pam. You know that Cinderella song, 'You Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)'? That pretty much says it better than how I know how to say it... in words. Darryl: Hey Mike. Michael: Darryl. Noble Darryl. [sighs] Darryl: Look, I heard about the office. Tough break. Michael: I know, I know. Well, I'll land on my feet. Don't worry about me. Darryl: I wasn't. Michael: So, you'll be okay too. You're a warrior. You're smart, capable. You'll find something else and... Darryl: Actually, Bob Vance bought out the warehouse. So he's keeping on the whole crew. So, we good. Michael: Awesome. Michael: This is my house. The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh. And Josh is giving the garage to Bob Vance. Michael: All right, listen up. Some of you may have heard some rumors about the branch closing. But, I am not going to take this lying down. I have a plan and I am going to save our jobs. So just hang in there. [Looks at Dwight] Let's go. Dwight: Yes! Pam: Oh, good... you're bringing Dwight. Michael: Yes. This might get ugly. I need backup. Dwight: What's the plan? Michael: Go to New York, confront the CFO, show him he's making a mistake... save the branch. Dwight: Can I drive? Michael: No... way. Dwight: Shotgun! Michael: No. There's no one else. Dwight: Still. Dwight: Thank you very much. [hangs up cell phone] Okay, secretary says Wallace is away for the day and won't be coming back into the office. Michael: Okay, okay. Um... Dwight: But, do not worry. I have his home address right [presses cell phone button] here. Michael: Why? Dwight: Christmas card list. Michael: You sent him cards? You never met him. Dwight: But when I do, we'll have something to talk about. Jim: Hey, do you have a second? Josh: Sure, what's up? Jim: I know it's not definite or whatever, but uh, do you know who's coming over here from Scranton? Josh: I honestly don't. I don't know. Jim: Okay, so is it like sales or... accountants? Josh: You know what, Jim, I wouldn't worry about it. Jim: What does that mean? Jan: Hi. Josh: Jan, hey. Jan: Oh, good. You're both here. Ready to talk logistics? Ryan: [to Kelly] I just feel like it could have been something special if we could have kept working together, but I'm gonna go someplace else and you're gonna go someplace else. It just doesn't make sense. Ryan: This kinda worked out perfectly for me. I got some good experience. Uh, Michael's gonna write me a great recommendation. And as far as me and Kelly goes, I think it's for the best. Michael: Okay, this is it. [runs up the stairs of CFO's house, with Dwight] This is exactly what Michael Moore does, famous documentarian. He goes up to people with a camera and he's like 'Why did you do this? Why did you pollute? You are bad. You're a bad person.' It's very dramatic. Although, I can't say I was a big fan of 'Bowling for Columbine', because I thought it was going to be a bowling movie, like 'Kingpin'. And it wasn't. It was something else. Jan: So, Josh will be running what is now called Dunder-Mifflin ,Northeast, which is all the offices north of Stamford. And Jim, fi you want the job, you'll be his number two. Josh: Wow. Uh, sure. Absolutely. Jan: Awesome. Josh: Excuse me, Jan, I'm sorry... I'm gonna have to stop you there. I, um, will not be taking the job. Jan: Wha... excuse... why not? Josh: As of today, I have accepted a senior managment position at Staples. Jan: Today? Josh: [nods] Jan: You leveraged your new position with us into another offer? Josh: [sighs] Jan: Damn it, Josh. This whole restructuring thing was based around keeping you. I... Josh: I'm sorry, all right? It's done, it's done. Jan: I'm gonna make some calls. Jim: Say what you will about Michael Scott, but he would never do that. Dwight: So, do you know what you're gonna say when he shows up? Michael: I will improvise. I will speak from the heart. Dwight: No. Bad idea. You need an attack plan. Here, I'll be him, you be you. Let's practice. Michael: All right. Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, dum... coming home from work. M ichael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? David Wallace? Dwight: Yes? What is the meaning of this? Michael : Can you tell us why you are shutting down Scranton and putting 15 people out of work? Dwight: Well, the branch is no longer finicially viable. It's simple dollars and cents. Michael: Yes, but these are employees, Sir. These are human beings. Dwight: Listen, Scott... we're losing money, okay? It's not a charity; it's a business. And it's a dying business. Michael: [no longer talking to Dwight as Wallace] Stop... stop it! Just, okay. He's not going to say any of that. Dwight: [as himself] Whoa hey, why not? Michael: Because he'd be intimidated and I, just... let's start again. Just be more scared of me, okay? Dwight: Okay. Michael: Don't touch me this time. Dwight: [as David Wallace] Dum, dum, dum, du, doy, du, do... coming home from work... Michael: Excuse me, Mr. Wallace? Dwight: [frightened] Uh! Jan: So... we are still scrambling here. But uh, it looks like Scranton is going to absorb Stamford. Jim: Wow. Jan: And I know that you just left there a couple of months ago, but we would like to offer you the number two position at that branch. Jim: Thank you. Jan: Yeah. Jim: No, it's just I'm not sure if I um... well to be quite honest with you, Jan, I have a few unpleasant memories of Scranton. And um... Jan: Michael. Jim: No. No, no. Just um... some personal stuff. And I'm not really ready to revist that, I don't think. Jan: Ah. Well, please think about it. And call me. We will do whatever we can to get you to stay. Jim: Okay. Phyllis: Hey guys. Uh, I'm trying to organize a little group lunch for everybody since you know, we're never gonna see each other again. Kevin: Where are we going? Phyllis: I thought maybe DJ's. Kevin: How about Cugino's? Angela: I don't want to go all the way to Dunmore. Kevin: How 'bout Cooper's then? Angela: No seafood. Kevin: But, I don't want to go to DJ's. Angela: Oh, now all of a sudden you get picky? Phyllis: Okay, forget it. [walks away] Kevin: Hooters? Angela: No. Dwight: Ah. [takes a gulp of Gatorade and passes the bottle to Michael] Here, replinish your fluids. Michael: [takes bottle and cleans off cap with his tie] Jan: [in Scranton] Where's Michael? Pam: He's not here. I don't know where he is. Jan: [looks around, noticing that no one is working] Wha... what's going on here? Phyllis: We know the branch is closing; Michael told us. Jan: Ah, god. Okay. You know what everybody? I'm sure there is a better way to do this but I've drive something like 400 miles today and I'm completely exhausted so I'm just gonna tell you. Your branch is not closing; Stamford is closing. Um, for the time being, it seems that all your jobs are safe. Angela: Yes! Kevin: Yes! [hugs Angela] Phyllis: Stanley! [hugs Stanley] Pam: Is it because of Michael? Did he actually do something? Jan: Well, reasons are not important. Would you just call him, please? Wherever he is... and tell him. Pam: Sure, uh, Jan... um, do you know, is anyone coming back to Scranton? Jan: Back? Pam: Coming to Scranton. Is anyone coming to Scranton? Jan: Uh, we don't know. Probably. A few. Dwight: [referring to Michael's ringing phone] who is it? Michael: The office. Dwight: Gonna get it? Michael: No, not until I have some good news for them. Not until I have some good news. Pam: I guess some new people might be coming from Stamford. Should be fun. New blood. Ryan: Is Jim coming back. Pam: That's, um... I hadn't thought about it, huh. Ryan: I just don't want it to be weird, you know? I mean, I took his old job and his old desk. Pam: Yeah, that might be weird. Overall though, we still all have our jobs... so, good news, right? Ryan: Oh, yeah, totally. Kelly: Ahhhhh! [hugs Ryan] I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, Ryan! [kisses him] This is the best day of my whole l ife! Karen: What you gonna do? Jim: I really don't know. How you doing with all this? Karen: You know, I'm fine. I'll be better when I know if I have a job. Jim: You'd actually move to Scranton? Karen: Yeah, if they let me, I think I... I think I would. Jim: New York City is 45 minutes down the road from here. And you wanna move to Scranton? I dunno. If I were you I'd move to New York? Karen: Yeah, you know... I might do that. I, who knows? I... I might do that. Josh: Hey Andy! Andy: [after screaming and throwing papers around in the kitchen] What's up, Josh? Josh: I just want to say thanks. Good luck. Andy: Thanks, man. You, too. Totally. Michael: Anything? Dwight: Nothing. [puts down binoculars] Michael: What if this doesn't work? What is the office actually goes under? Dwight: Then it was an honor to have worked with you. Michael: [pats Dwight and sighs] All right, favorite moments in Dunder-Mifflin history. Go. Dwight: My first day when you hazed me by spraying me with a fire extinguisher. Michael: That was hilarious. The foam ... Dwight: Uh,... my first sale, my promotion to assistant regional manager, our basketball game, when you took me to the hospital, and told me that you cared about me. Michael: Oh, right. Okay, that's enough. That's good. Dwight: What were your favorite moments? Michael: Oh, hmm, all of them. I loved them all. Every single one. Dwight: What about when Jan said the branch was closing? Michael: God, Dwight! Dwight: Well, it doesn't... Kevin: Hey Pam, we're going to Poor Richards. Creed's buying shots. Pam: No thanks, guys. Kevin: All right. Pam: Have fun though. Kevin: Cool. Phyllis: Hey, I hear Jim's coming back. Pam: Really? Where did you hear that? Phyllis: I was... Kevin: [interupting] Hey Ryan, you coming? Ryan: Uh yeah, we'll meet you there. Kevin: Awesome. Let's go, Phyllis. Phyllis: [to Pam] I'll tell you later. Pam: Okay. Roy: Crazy day, huh? Pam: Yeah. Roy: Yeah, man! I'm uh... I'm really glad you're still gonna be working here. Pam: Yeah, me too. Pam: Maybe this is good. Finding another job is a pain. There's another annoying boss, another desk, I'd have to learn everything all over again. So, there are reasons to stay. Jim: Hey, um, I think I am gonna take that job. And Scranton... it's not that bad. So, if they offer you a job there, I think you should take it. Karen: Okay, yeah. Maybe I will. Jim: Okay. Karen: Yeah, I'm happy he said that. I mean, I don't think he's into me or anything, but, I'm kind of into him. So...there you go. Michael: What are we still doing here? It's over. Let's go home. Get the car. Dwight: [picks up his beeping cell phone] Michael: Oh, this was such a stupid idea! This was so stupid. I am such a stupid idiot. I let everybody down. Everybody hates me. I lost everybody's jobs. Nobody likes me anymore! Dwight: [on the phone] Oh my God! Michael: What?! Dwight:: Stranford is closed! Michael, we're not closed. Stamford is closed. Stamford is closed. Michael: We did it? We did it. Dwight: We did it! Michael and Dwight: We did it! We did it! Michael: Right here! Right here! [pounds his chest against Dwight's] Michael and Dwight: Ouu! Ou! Ouu! Ouu! Michael: Yeah, baby! Dwight: In your face! Michael: We did it! Dwight: Oh, man. Michael: How did we do it? Dwight: I don't ... have no idea. Michael: I don't understand. Toby: Well for a minute there, I saw myself selling my house, moving to Costa Rica, learning how to surf. But, Costa Rica will still be there. When I'm 65.
Paris: That's one planet that never showed up on the multiple choice exam. Tuvok: Its gravimetric readings are similar to that of a collapsed dwarf star. It also resembles a quasar, in that it has a high rate of rotation, approximately fifty eight revolutions per minute. Janeway: Shall we take a closer look? Chakotay: That's what we're here for. Janeway: Tom, put us in a high orbit. Paris: Aye. Tuvok: Our warp drive is offline. Chakotay: Why? Tuvok: Unknown. Janeway: Back us off. Paris: Our impulse engines aren't responding. Janeway: The use the auxiliary thrusters. Kim: We're in some kind of gravimetric gradient. It's pulling us toward the planet. Shaman: The new one is brighter than Tahal, or any of his brothers in the sky. Native: What does he want from us? Shaman: To answer that, we must learn the nature of this god. We must understand the reason for his arrival. You were making an offering to Tahal. Native: I placed the fire-fruit on his altar. Then the ground shook. I looked up and the new one was there. Shaman: The fire-fruit. Where is it? Shaman: The new one doesn't want Tahal to have the fire-fruit. Make an altar for him, as big as Tahal's. The fire-fruit is only for the New One. No more for the people. It is His alone. Ground Shaker, Light Bringer, take this today, and every day. Accept our offering. Do not harm us. Janeway: Report. Tuvok: We're in synchronous orbit, fifty seven thousand kilometers above the planet's equator. Chakotay: Good work, Tom. Now, let's see Paris: You're patting the wrong guy on the back. Janeway: Explain. Paris: Our thrusters went offline halfway through our descent and then we just stopped, like we were caught in something. Tuvok: I'm picking up a strong tachyon field along the hull. It could be what's holding us. Seven: Seven of Nine to the bridge. Janeway: Go ahead, Seven. Seven: Please report to Astrometrics. There's something you must see. Janeway: On my way. Chakotay. Seven: The planet has a tachyon core. It's produced a subspace particle field which runs between the poles. Voyager's arrival disrupted that field. Chakotay: It looks like the ship's been caught in an eddy of some kind. Janeway: It's worse than that. Voyager seems to have become the planet's third pole. Seven: The imbalance is affecting the outer crust. I've picked up indications of high-frequency seismic activity. Chakotay: Caused by our presence? Seven: Possibly. Janeway: Does anybody live down there? Seven: The atmosphere is having a scattering effect on our sensors. Chakotay: Is that vegetation? Seven: According to sensors, yes. Janeway: The tachyon core has created a space-time differential between the planet and the surrounding space. We're watching the seasons change in a matter of seconds. Seven: For each second that passes on Voyager, nearly a day goes by on the planet. Janeway: Scan for inhabitants. Seven: I can't isolate individual lifeforms. It'll take time to correct for the space-time differential Chakotay: A couple of hundred years, maybe? If our orbit starts to decay, Voyager will begin to feel the effects of the differential and we'll begin aging hundreds of times faster than we would in normal space. Janeway: Unless we want to live our lives in the blink of an eye, I suggest we find a way out of here. Chakotay: How's our warp core? Torres: The matter-antimatter reaction is still active, but this field we're stuck in is raising hell with the nacelles. Until we break orbit, warp drive is offline. Chakotay: Without warp drive, we'll never leave orbit. Torres: It does pose a bit of a problem, doesn't it? Chakotay: Maybe the key is to learn more about this planet, in case we're missing something. Torres: Sensors aren't having an easy time of it either. Chakotay: Then let's modify a class-five probe for low orbit, see what we can pick up. Configure the program to scan along all subspace bands, and set it for visual images every ten milliseconds. Torres: Snapshots. Why do I get the feeling you're not just interested in tachyon fields? Chakotay: This could be the greatest anthropological find of my career. If there's an intelligent species down there, we'll be able to track their development, not just for days or weeks, but for centuries. Torres: Watch them discover new and better ways of beating each other over the head. Chakotay: They won't necessarily follow the Klingon model. Torres: As opposed to the Human model? It'll take a few hours to make the adjustments. Chakotay: A few hours. We might miss the rise and fall of a civilization. Torres: So we'll watch the next one. Cleric: Oh. Oh, Protector. Kelemene: You're late. Cleric: Well, the hill is steep, and I, I'm not as young as I used to be. Kelemene: More heat. Kelemene: There are grave matters of state here that cannot be delayed. Cleric: Protector, what exactly are you doing? Kelemene: I'm sending him a letter. Cleric: Him? Sending who a letter? Kelemene: The Ground Shaker. The Light Bringer. Cleric: Had you been more attentive to my lessons when you were a boy, you would not be so gullible as a man. Kelemene: On the contrary, you taught me well. Our ignorant ancestors believed every star was a deity. You taught me how foolish that was. Superstition, you called it. Cleric: And that's exactly what it is. Kelemene: Hungry? Cleric: It's bad fortune to eat the fire-fruit. Kelemene: According to whom? Our ancestors? Don't tell me you believe that old superstition? Perhaps we shouldn't completely ignore the old beliefs, no matter how strange they may seem today. Ground Shaker. Ground shaker. Isn't it possible the name was not given arbitrarily? That this star is indeed responsible for knocking down our walls and making us stumble as we walk? Cleric: Oh yes, I heard about that. My condolences. Kelemene: You heard what? Cleric: Well, that you stumbled in front of several important people during the last ground shake. Uh, very embarrassing, I'm sure. Kelemene: I did nothing of the sort. Cleric: Well, my hearing is not as good as it used to be, nor my memory either. Now, what were we talking about? Kelemene: We were talking about ancient superstitions. Now, I don't believe for a moment that the stars are gods, but then, what are they? Cleric: A great mystery to which there is no answer. Kelemene: I believe the sky is full of people just like ourselves. Cleric: What? Oh, nonsense. Kelemene: Prove me wrong. I say each star encompasses a city and the Ground Shaker rules one of these cities. A fellow Protector. If I'm correct, then he'll listen to me, one Protector to another. Your pen. Kelemene: I, Kelemane. Cleric: Kelemane. Kelemene: Son of Kelemane, ruler of the good people of the land below you, demand that you stop what you're Cleric: Demand? Kelemene: Would hope? Cleric: Ah, better. Much better. Kelemene: Would hope that you might consider putting an end to whatever it is you're doing that shakes our ground. If this causes you inconvenience I'm willing to offer a recompense. Cleric: A recompense. Kelemene: I await your reply. Torres: The next series of scans is coming through. I'm downloading them into the display buffer. Chakotay: No doubt about it. There's a city down there. Torres: Elevated levels of carbon monoxide, ammonium. That's progress, all right. Chakotay: They've developed internal combustion technology since the last few scans. Look at those radial lines. It looks like a system of roads. Torres: Well, one thing hasn't changed. The geological disturbances that Voyager seems to be causing. The probe recorded half a dozen each month. Still no way to tell how severe they are. Chakotay: Look at the amount of iron being used in that city. That's ten times what you'd expect to see in a culture at this stage of development. Torres: Do you think they're using it to support their buildings? Chakotay: If you lived on a planet that wouldn't stop shaking, you might be doing the same thing. If they've reached this stage of industrial development, they must be observing us. Torres: The probe's impulse thrusters are starting to fail. At its present altitude, it's been operating for over two hundred years. Its orbit is becoming decayed. Chakotay: Initiate self-destruct. Torres: It disintegrated in the upper thermosphere. If they saw anything, it just looked like a shooting star. Astronomer: Any response to our transmission? Technician: Nothing. Astronomer: No visual change either. Technician: Surprised? Astronomer: Send it again. Technician: The entire sequence? How about just the prime numbers? Astronomer: You're tired. Technician: So are you. Astronomer: The prime numbers and the elemental constants, then we'll stop. Technician: An acceptable compromise. It's not as if they're going anywhere, if they even exist in the first place. Astronomer: Do you doubt that? Technician: I doubt everything. Astronomer: So you weren't one of those children that had the entire series of Sky Ship Friends? Technician: Actually, I had them all, even the duplicates. You couldn't walk into my home without tripping over a Friend or two. Astronomer: Not in our home. My grandfather wouldn't allow it. He told us that the Sky Ship was a palace where an Evil Protector lived. He said that bad children were sent there to be punished. At this point, I'd be happy to see anything, evil or not. Can you boost the signal? Technician: We're already at maximum. Maybe if we switched to a different carrier wave to Technician: If there is somebody up there, they don't like us very much. Astronomer: Any beings capable of building that Sky Ship could have destroyed our world long ago. They're not causing the tremors on purpose. Technician: What if they're all dead? Astronomer: If you truly believe that, why did you join this project? Technician: I doubt everything, remember? Even my own doubts. I hope someone is up there. Astronomer: So do I. Technician: If they won't respond to mathematics, perhaps we should try a more personal approach. Here, say hello. Astronomer: How could they possibly speak our language? Technician: There's only one way to find out. Astronomer: What, what should I say? Technician: Oh, glad to meet you. Where are you from? Please stop shaking our planet. Seven: An ultra high frequency signal is being transmitted from the surface. The modulation is unfamiliar. Its Doppler component is Chakotay: Any signal from the surface will be accelerated. When it reached our time frame, the frequency would be thousands of times higher than normal. Seven: I will attempt to slow it down. Chakotay: Again. Amplitude modulation. It's a radio transmission. Seven: It's a numerical sequence. Chakotay: Prime numbers. They're sending a list of prime numbers. Seven: Followed by a sequence of mathematical constants, and what appears to be a vocal modulation. Chakotay: Slow it down again. A little more. Astronomer: Good friends in the Sky Ship. I call you that, hoping, at least, you're not enemies. Astronomer: There's nothing on our world that resembles your technology, so we assume you came here from a nearby planet or a distant star. Our ancient mythology describes your arrival centuries ago, coinciding with the tremors that continually shake our planet and destroy so many of our accomplishments. I hope that was never your intention, but the result is the same. Respond if you can. Or if you wish, come down from your Sky Ship and visit us. Paris: Well, we've got to let them know we're not doing it on purpose. Tuvok: Inadvisable. The Prime Directive still applies. This transmission was made with primitive radio technology. They are not a warp capable civilization. Paris: To hell with the Prime Directive. That man deserves an answer. Torres: Don't forget the temporal differential. That man has been dead for a long time. Emh: Nearly a century by now. Paris: Okay, so we send a message to his great grandchildren. I'll gladly do the honors. Chakotay: Ancient mythology. That means we've already insinuated ourselves into their culture. Why not take the next step? Janeway: First contact with a pre-warp society. Paris: We've already made first contact. They know we're up here. Janeway: They've known for hundreds of years, which means our presence has been tempered by time. We've gradually become part of their mythos. Meeting us could throw that belief system into chaos. Paris: But we're destroying their planet. You heard him. Chakotay: A first contact, face to face, might give us information we could use to leave orbit. That would stop the damage. It's worth the risk. Janeway: We don't even know if an away team could survive the transition to their time frame. Doctor, correct me if I'm wrong, but the physiological stress could be fatal. Emh: For one of you, perhaps, but not for me. My holomatrix would be unaffected. Janeway: You'd be going only as an observer. You're not to make contact. Kim: I localized the source of the transmission to a subcontinent in the southern hemisphere. Chakotay: The Central Protectorate? Kim: How do you know that? Chakotay: I've been looking at the data from Astrometrics. Seven's picked up a few of their local transmissions. I can tell you the names of all twenty six states on the planet. Kim: And all the best places to eat? Chakotay: Just about. Kim: So is this Central Protectorate a good place to send the Doctor? Chakotay: Probably. Judging from the transmissions, they seem to have a tolerant society. Kim: Hmm. Well, just to be on the safe side, I'll find him an isolated spot. Torres: I'm giving you access to your facial and epidermal parameters. You should be able to mimic the appearance of whoever is down there in a matter of seconds. Emh: What if they're big, purple blobs of protoplasm? Janeway: Then you'll be the best looking blob on the planet. I'm keeping you down there for three seconds, Doctor. That will be almost two days in their time frame. Gather whatever data you can. Seismic charts, meteorological records, anything that might give us a clue about how to break orbit. Emh: Understood. Torres: This will speed up the scanning rate of your program, allow you to make the transition. Emh: See you soon. Janeway: Energizing. Torres: One, two, three. Janeway: The confinement beam is destabilizing. Torres: It's the temporal field. We'll have to recalibrate. Janeway: Every second he's down there he's in danger of being discovered. Torres: Locking on again. Janeway: We've lost him. Kim: I'm scanning within a one hundred kilometer radius of where we sent him. Nothing. Chakotay: He could've moved across the continent by now, or to the other side of the planet. Kim: Increasing radius to one thousand kilometers. Chakotay: Chakotay to Seven of Nine. Seven: Go ahead, Commander. Chakotay: Have you picked up any information regarding opera houses or concert halls? Seven: The cultural center of the state runs along the shore of the eastern lake. Kim: Got him. B'Elanna, stand by for the coordinates. Torres: Acknowledged. Torres: I've reinitialized the confinement beam. It's holding. Janeway: Locking on. Emh: Captain! Lieutenant! I thought I'd never see you again. Janeway: Are you all right? Emh: Oh, I've had a few close calls over the years, but all in all Torres: Years? Emh: It's been over three, but at least I knew you hadn't left me behind. All I had to do was look up and there you were, the brightest star in the sky. Janeway: Well, what do they know about us? Emh: Only that we arrived here centuries ago. They blame us for the seismic tremors but everything else is pure speculation. And let me tell you, they like nothing better than to speculate about Voyager. Doric would go on and on. Sky Ship this, Sky Ship that. Torres: Doric? Emh: The owner of the building I lived in until the war started. Janeway: There was a war? Emh: Oh, the neighboring state decided to lob a few cannon shells at us. Our Tactical Air Command responded and a new treaty was signed in a matter of weeks, but not before my apartment was in ruins. Janeway: Oh, so they have aviation technology? Emh: They're hardly savages, Captain. In fact, they're making great strides technologically, thanks in part to Voyager. Torres: What do you mean? Emh: From the moment our ship arrived in the sky, they've been trying to make contact. Our presence has encouraged invention, religion, science, art even children's toys. They're all variations on a single theme, Voyager. Mareeza even composed an aria based on the Sky Ship. I sang the lyric. Janeway: Mareeza? Emh: She was my roommate. Three years is a long time, Captain. One needs companionship. Janeway: You'll get no argument from me. But did you learn anything that might help us break orbit? Emh: It's all in here. Emh: Meteorological records for the last three hundred years. I've committed them all to memory. Some are inaccurate almanacs, but the more recent ones include detailed seismic analyzes. Janeway: Get that information to Astrometrics. See if you can find any pattern to the quakes. Might help us figure a way out of here. Torres: See you in Sickbay. I'll download the data from your program and we'll do a little cosmetic surgery, too. Emh: Lieutenant? Torres: Unless you prefer looking like that. Emh: Of course, I completely forgot. If some of the people on the planet had their way, those weapons would be pointed at Voyager. Luckily the ship is still out of range, for now. Janeway: I guess I can't blame them. Emh: There's something of a space race going on between the various states. Who can get to the starship first with a rocket? Janeway: Are we talking about a capsule with an astronaut or a missile with a warhead? Emh: I can't answer that, but at their present rate of development, we won't have to wait very long to find out. Naomi: How does this sound? The Weird Planet Where Time Moved Very Fast And So Did The People Who Lived There, by Naomi Wildman. That's what I'm calling my report for astronomy class. Neelix said I should choose a planet to write about, so I picked this one. Seven: Your title is verbose. I suggest you try to condense it. Naomi: The Weird Planet. Seven: Better, but it lacks precision. The Weird Planet Displaced in Time. Naomi: Perfect. Seven: Seven of Nine to the bridge. I'm transmitting my calculations directly to the helm. Janeway: Acknowledged. Naomi: What's happening? Seven: The Doctor brought back data regarding the planet's graviton field. We're using it to realign our thrusters. Naomi: That'll be great for my report. Janeway: All hands, this is the Captain. Secure your stations and prepare to break orbit. Seven: Brace yourself. Our altitude is increasing. Fifty meters. Sixty. Seven of Nine to the bridge. Our attempt to leave orbit is increasing the seismic activity. We must abort. Janeway: Agreed. Naomi: Is the planet okay? Seven: Minimal damage along the equatorial coastline. Nothing serious. Naomi: Seven, do you think we'll ever be able to leave? Seven: Eventually. Naomi: I hope so. I need a way to end my report. Retz: Orbital One to launch control. We're ready to ignite second stage propellants. Launch Control: Proceed. GOTANA- Retz: Second-stage propellants depleted. Trina: Final stage. Ready. GOTANA- Retz: Ready to ignite final stage propellants. Launch Control, we are awaiting your commands to proceed. What was that? Trina: There's nothing wrong with the transponder. GOTANA- Retz: Orbital One to launch control. We are not receiving your orders. Trina: Everything else is working perfectly. Ignite the final stage. We have to proceed with the mission. GOTANA- Retz: Final stage propellants depleted. Trina: Initiate deceleration thrusters. GOTANA- Retz: Thrusters active. Trina: Watch your pitch angle. GOTANA- Retz: Correcting. Trina: Distance check. GOTANA- Retz: We're in rendezvous range. Trina: Rendezvous sequence locked in. GOTANA- Retz: Moving into final position. Trina: Distance check. GOTANA- Retz: We're within scanning range. Trina: Let's take a look. GOTANA- Retz: The scanners won't penetrate their hull. Trina: I guess we'll have to go inside. GOTANA- Retz: We're not authorized to do that. Trina: Our orders were to learn as much as possible about the Sky Ship. That's my intention. I saw something that looks like a transfer port. It might be a place we can dock. Move in closer. Trina: Wait, wait. GOTANA- Retz: Are you all right? Trina: A little disoriented. Let's keep going. Retz: I don't understand. Trina: Her skin feels warm. Trina: It might be some sort of metabolic stasis. But then why does it look like they're just going about their business? GOTANA- Retz: This isn't right. We shouldn't be here. We were never meant to be here. Trina: Try and stay calm. GOTANA- Retz: We've seen enough. Please, we have to leave. Trina: You're the best pilot we have. That's why you're on this mission. This is no different than flying your favorite GOTANA- Retz: Oh, it's different. Trina: I can't argue with that. Another few minutes, then we'll go back. This looks like their command center. Retz: This is not metabolic stasis. Trina: Could the laws of physics be different here? GOTANA- Retz: Maybe they're just a little slower. GOTATA- Retz: What's wrong? Tuvok: Intruder Alert. Security team to deck one. Kim: Captain, I'm picking up a ship at docking port one. It just appeared there. Janeway: Bridge to Sickbay. Medical emergency. Janeway: What can you tell me. Emh: The transition to our time frame was a little rough for them. I'm afraid his colleague didn't make it. Janeway: How is he? Emh: Recovering. Lucky for him I'm as good as his family doctor. After three years of poring over their medical journals, I know as much about their physiology as I do yours. Easy. GOTANA- Retz: Where's Trina? Janeway: She didn't survive the transition. I'm very sorry. GOTANA- Retz: Transition? To your time frame? Janeway: You understand what's happened to you? GOTANA- Retz: I'm beginning to. Janeway: Voyager exists in the same space-time as the rest of the galaxy. Your planet is different. GOTANA- Retz: So you really haven't been watching us for centuries. Janeway: Actually, we just got here, And we're hoping you can help us find a way to leave. Retz: So if what you're saying is true, everyone I know, everyone I knew, is gone. Janeway: That's correct. GOTANA- Retz: Captain, I'm an accomplished pilot. That's why they chose me for this mission. I don't have the courage of the others. They made a mistake choosing me. Janeway: I have to disagree. For someone whose life has just been turned upside down, I think you're doing fine. GOTANA- Retz: When I was a young child, the toys hanging above my crib depicted the Sky Ship. It's the first thing I ever remember seeing, even before my mother's face. And now I'm the only one that knows its name. Voyager. I suppose it'll be the last thing I see as well. Janeway: that's up to you. I have no intention of keeping you here against your will. The Doctor spent some time on your planet collecting data that we hoped would help us find a way to leave orbit. We need you to assist us in interpreting that information. However, the longer you stay on board, the more difficult it will be for you to go home. Your culture is changing every second you're here. By the time you go back, you might find it more alien than ours. GOTANA- Retz: Star of the night, Star of the day, Come to take my tears away. Make my life always bright. It's a child's prayer. Janeway: To Voyager? GOTANA- Retz: Yes. Janeway: I hope you're not disappointed. GOTANA- Retz: How often does your very first dream come true? Of course I'll help you. Emh: The information I brought back is in Voyager's database. Seven of Nine has been trying to make sense of it. She'll welcome your assistance. GOTANA- Retz: Mountain or Lakeside? Emh: Mountain, of course. Don't tell me you're a Lakeside supporter. GOTANA- Retz: You really were on the surface. Emh: How are they doing this season? GOTANA- Retz: Not good. Five wins, twelve losses. Emh: I don't believe it! Who's guarding for them? GOTANA- Retz: Torelius. Emh: Any relation to the Torelius? GOTANA- Retz: His grandson. Emh: I saw the original defend for Mountain in the playoffs against Red River. GOTANA- Retz: That was before I was born. Emh: He would have gone into voluntary exile after a 5-12 season. Retz: This information is out of date. We were far more advanced than this when I left. I can help you correct it. Seven: Very well. GOTANA- Retz: Let's start with the geological data. The seismic detectors back then were off by a variance of three point eight. Seven: A simple conversion will compensate for that. GOTANA- Retz: Does every planet look like ours? Seven: None that I've seen. Your world appears to be unique. GOTANA- Retz: If we're so out of step with everything else, we'll never be able to explore space the way you have. Seven: You're a highly adaptable species. Your scientists will find a way to compensate for the temporal differential. GOTANA- Retz: They'd better do it before you leave. Without the Sky Ship up above them, my people might lose interest in progress. There wouldn't be anything left to reach for. Seven: Perhaps they'll miss Voyager so much, they'll do everything they can to follow us. GOTANA- Retz: Maybe so. What was that? Seven: An antimatter implosion. Your world is experimenting with warp technology. The sensors detected an early test. Another test, six weeks later, and a third. More controlled each time. They're learning quickly. Too quickly. Paris: What was that? Tuvok: Unknown, but our shields are down to eighty two percent. Sixty four percent. Kim: I don't know what's causing it. There's nothing on sensors. Janeway: Janeway to Seven of Nine. Seven: Go ahead, Captain. Janeway: Are you picking up Janeway: Anything in Astrometrics? Seven: The inhabitants appear to have developed antimatter torpedo technology. Seven: I believe we're under attack. Tuvok: Another direct hit. Shields at forty nine percent. GOTANA- Retz: Captain, I apologize for this attack. They have no right. Janeway: Unfortunately, they've got every right. GOTANA- Retz: Let me talk to them. Chakotay: We've already tried to hail them. It doesn't look like they're able to receive our transmissions. GOTANA- Retz: They still don't know about the time differential. Tuvok: A logical assumption. Shields down to thirty four percent. Kim: The torpedoes are being fired at three day intervals. They're making refinements each time, increasing the detonation yield. Paris: Captain, isn't it time we returned fire? Chakotay: We've done enough damage to these people over the last thousand years. Janeway: You've got to go back. It's the only way. Make them understand who we are. You have the specifications of this ship. Your scientists might be able to use them to help free us. At the very least, get them to hold their fire. Kim: Captain, the transporters are offline. Janeway: Is his vessel still intact? Kim: The docking port hasn't been hit yet. Janeway: Good luck. Emh: This will accelerate your metabolic functions, help you make the transition. GOTANA- Retz: Thank you for everything, Doctor. Emh: It was a pleasure to treat a fellow citizen. Would you do me a favor? GOTANA- Retz: Certainly. Emh: Find out what happened to a boy named Jason Tabreez. He lived in the Central Protectorate. GOTANA- Retz: Jason? An unusual name. Emh: Yes. He was my son. GOTANA- Retz: But you're a hologram. Emh: It's a long story. He's dead by now, but perhaps you could discover what happened to him. Maybe he had children or grandchildren. You could tell them about me. GOTANA- Retz: I will. Retz: Orbital One to Launch Control, please respond. Launch Control, please respond. Weather Coordinator: Who is this? GOTANA- Retz: Pilot First Rank, Gotana-Retz. Weather Coordinator: Clear the channel or I'm going to report you to the command center. GOTANA- Retz: Is this Launch Control? Weather Coordinator: I'm the weather coordinator for Station zero zero four. You're in violation of transmission regulations. GOTANA- Retz: Please, listen to me. I'm trying to reach Launch Control. Weather Coordinator: Let me guess. You finally decided to come home. You're Gotana-Retz? GOTANA- Retz: Gotana-Retz, yes. Now, please transfer me to Launch Control. Weather Coordinator: Launch Control became the Tactical Command Center fifty years ago. You're dead. GOTANA- Retz: I've been inside the Sky Ship. Weather Coordinator: Then it's a good thing you decided to leave. They're about to shoot it down. GOTANA- Retz: I've got to speak with them. Weather Coordinator: Tactical Command frequencies are classified. Now get off this channel. GOTANA- Retz: If you ever wanted to report more than the weather, now is your chance. Tell them to clear Central Lake of all traffic. Orbital One is coming in for a landing. Tuvok: Shields at twenty three percent. Seventeen percent. Shields are down. Paris: What was that last one? Kim: A tricobalt device. Paris: What will they think of next? Tuvok: Damage reports coming in. Imminent hull breeches on decks eight, nine and ten. Life support is failing. Janeway: Our astronaut should have made it by now. Kim: Based on his descent velocity, he landed about ten minutes ago. Chakotay: That's a year and a half. Janeway: Then he must have failed. Tuvok: I'm picking up another launch. Two massive energy signatures. Chakotay: Tricobalt devices? Tuvok: Unknown. Janeway: Brace yourselves. Tuvok: We're in some kind of tractor beam. Paris: Captain, if I alternate thrusters I might be able to break us free. Janeway: No. Let's give our friends the benefit of the doubt. Kim: They're pulling us away from the planet. Tuvok: We've broken orbit. Janeway: Try hailing them. GOTANA- Retz: It's good to see you all again. Chakotay: Looks like somebody down there listened to you. GOTANA- Retz: I'm sorry it took so long. Janeway: Now we can make first contact the proper way. GOTANA- Retz: Unfortunately that won't be possible. A temporal compensator. It allows me to exist in your time frame without actually leaving my own, but only for a few minutes. I'm afraid it'll be a while before my people actually join the rest of the galaxy. Tuvok: Captain, we'll be able to bring the warp drive back online in approximately two hours. Janeway: Very good. Thank you. GOTANA- Retz: I feel like I'm saying goodbye to an old friend.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin, Kyle Schwartz, tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Kyle Schwartz is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current. Kyle Schwartz: Ah-a-a-alright, I'm done. Cartman: You're done? Kyle Schwartz: Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice. Cartman: Yeah, so how's it look? Kyle Schwartz: It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good. Cartman: But I'll still be getting presents this year, right? Kyle Schwartz: A-a-aactually it looks like this year you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents. Cartman: What?! Kyle Schwartz: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad. Cartman: Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk] Kyle Schwartz: Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot" really counted as nice. Cartman: It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes. Kyle Schwartz: Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you. Cartman: [lunges at Kyle Schwartz and grabs him by the left arm] God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch! Kyle Schwartz: Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your naughty-and-nice accountant! Don't blame me for the numbers! Cartman: Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one! Kyle Schwartz: But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here? Cartman: [thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night! Kyle Schwartz: Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth. Cartman: Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it? Kyle Schwartz: If you cured cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents. Cartman: Jesus Christ! Kyle Schwartz: Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his glasses right] Scene Description: South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais. Mayor McDaniels: Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays! Townsfolk: Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelly, Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick] Christmas Tree! Cartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes] Hi guys! ["Christmas Tree!" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs both Stan and Kyle] A very Merry Christmas to you. God bless us, everyone! [he lets go] Kyle: [naturally weary of Cartman's cheer] What are you doing, Cartman? Cartman: I'm just letting you guys know how special you are to me. Mayor McDaniels: But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That gets the boys' attention] Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq, there is no Christmas. They have nothing. Jimbo: [to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells] Light the damn tree! Townsfolk: YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! Cartman: Oh my God, that's it! Kyle: What's it? Cartman: Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunates! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits, then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then follow Cartman.] Mayor McDaniels: Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd cheers as Jimmy approaches the mic.] Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick. Townsfolk: [sympathizing] Awww. Mayor McDaniels: Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks? Townsfolk: Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Jimmy: Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah... Mr. Garrison: Oh no. [Mr. Slave, dressed in Santa bondage suit, stands next to him] Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around. Cartman: [breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies! [comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting it next to the box of toys] Oh, this'll be the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too. Stan: Cartman, why are you doing this? Cartman: They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them. Kyle: That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this? A Voice: [the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho! [Mr. Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him] Kyle: Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song plays] Cartman: [annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. [in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you! Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'? Kyle: Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq. Cartman: The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else. Mr. Hankey: Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who can help. Santa Claus! Cartman: Really? Stan, Kyle: Really? Mr. Hankey: Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away! Kyle: But how are we gonna get to the North Pole? Mr. Hankey: Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic. [raises his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off, and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All aboard the Poo Choo Express! Cartman: Wow! Stan: Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over his nose] Kyle: Yeah. [does the same] Mr. Hankey: Next stop, the North Pole! Cartman: [grabs the box of holly and mistletoe and heads for the train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys! Stan: Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops] Kyle: Me neither. Cartman: You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunates! [moves on] Now come on! Mr. Hankey: Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord] Whistle: Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly] Mr. Hankey: Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a Whistle: Poo Choo! Mr. Hankey: All the way and back! Cartman: Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing! Kyle: Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman?? Stan: I don't know. Mr. Hankey: Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train. [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the North Pole] Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing. Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii... Scene Description: The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops. Mr. Hankey: Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run off the train and put some distance between it and themselves] Stan: Awww! [both of them release their breath and start coughing] Kyle: Finally! Stan: God, it took forever! Cartman: Wow, is that where Santa lives? Mr. Hankey: That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears] Gnome 1: Mr. Hankey! Mr. Hankey: We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business. Gnome 1: Sure thing! Scene Description: The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees. Kyle: Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes? Gnome 1: Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names] Santa: [turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas! Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [impressed] Wow! Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Santa! Santa: [with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you? Mr. Hankey: All ready for Christmas? Santa: I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me. Cartman: Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then? Santa: Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end. Cartman: [brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan looks at him] Mr. Hankey: Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric. Cartman: [with hands behind his back] Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well. Santa: You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation. Cartman: That's what I thought. Santa: Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run! Mr. Hankey: All right! Santa: And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room. Cartman: Hooray! Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing. Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee... Scene Description: The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer. Gnome 1: This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents. Kyle: Wow, cool! Mr. Hankey: Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side angles, one overhead, one front] Scene Description: Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city. Santa: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house, the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all! Iraqi man 1: [black beard] Paka klakalaka. Iraqi man 2: [white beard] Anah kakadakadaka. Santa: Merry Christmas! [An Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and fires the rocket. The sleigh is hit and Santa loses control of it.] I'm hit! I'm hit! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 2: Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of the skids] Santa: Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going down! [switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down! Stan: Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad] Gnome 3: [heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down! [more chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the façade] Gnome 4: [on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soon empty save for Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole] Gnome 1: [on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the devastation] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr. Kringle? [after a moment, turns around] Gnome 5: Jesus Christ, they killed him! Cartman: No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't. Stan: Why would Iraqis do that? Why? Mr. Hankey: It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them. Santa: [over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa. Mr. Hankey: Santa! Are you alright? Gnome 2: What is your status? Santa: [on screen] Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back, you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost] Stan: Oh no. Cartman: Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him! Gnome 5: What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall! Cartman: [blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll! Kyle: Is that what this is all about?! [Stan shoots a quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now] Cartman: It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool. Stan: Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us! Cartman: Oh, Christ. Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [gasp] Jesus! Mr. Hankey: Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody. Gnome 2: Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him] Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. Jimmy: On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the townsfolk have begun to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr... Scene Description: The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude. Gnome 2: We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This sleigh should be able to take you right to him. Stan: I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead. Gnome 2: Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of reindeer] Cartman: Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas! Mr. Hankey: Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time! Kyle: Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing? Gnome 2: You just have to call out the reindeer's names. Cartman: Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet- Gnome 2: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them] Scene Description: The night sky. The boys sail along the winds. Cartman: Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh! Mr. Hankey: We should be able to find Jesus in no time! Cartman: I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles- Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: [looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind. Kyle: Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down! Cartman: [draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate! Kyle: All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that! Cartman: [resumes his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh... Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds... Scene Description: Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room. Santa: Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very naughty. [a general enters] Iraqi general: [soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man? Santa: [a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring happiness and joy to the children. Iraqi general: And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behind Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the shoulder] This is commercialism! Your country is sick. Sick! [throws the toy train onto Santa's body and walks away] Santa: No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on here?! Iraqi general: America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan? Santa: I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing?? Iraqi general: They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with an electroshock to the testicles. Santa: Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not shown, save for a shot of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and the glow fades. Santa coughs] Iraqi general: What else is America planning?! Santa: [coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm gonna fucking kill you! Iraqi general: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan! Santa: Then we're in for a long night, because I don't know shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratchets the charger up higher. Santa screams in pain] Scene Description: An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing or another. Jesus: [blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. ["In the name of my Father, you are healed."] Elderly Man: [as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! ["Bless you! Bless you!"] Woman: Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. ["Jesus, my son can't feel himself." (he's numb)] Jesus: [blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto. ["Your son ..."] Woman: Bene, Benedicali! ["Bless, bless you!" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa! ["The red death!" The sleigh alights and stops] Mr. Hankey: Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the church.] Cartman: Jesus! Jesus: Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children? Stan: Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq! Jesus: Santa? Is he alright? Kyle: We don't know. They lost all contact with him. Jesus: We have to get him out of there. Mr. Hankey: Do you know a way? Jesus: Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet] We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an armory. He starts taking out an Uzi] Lock and load! We're goin' in! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love... Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls. Iraqi general: You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the balls again, and Santa howls in pain] Scene Description: Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over the city. Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! [Jesus looks over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people. Gnome: Red Sleigh 2, come in. Stan: We're here. Gnome: You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him! Jesus: He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey. Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door opens.] Soldier 1: [clean-shaven] Gankueda! Jesus: [steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here, I can handle this. Soldier 2: [bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda! Jesus: Yay, look upon me, and know me. Soldier 1: Halak balah! Soldier 2: Kli malah! Jesus: My children, you should know something. [a dagger shoots out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing. [quickly jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to death. A gun with silencer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls out to the others on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh] Cartman: This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys. Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier. Jimmy: On the el- el- el- eleventh day of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping... Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil. Iraqi general: Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.] Santa: Jesus Christ! [Jesus kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The general holds up his hands. Jesus shoots him on the left know and he falls.] Iraqi general: Ach! Santa: Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to Santa and unties him] Jesus: Here. [hands him a gun] Can you walk? Santa: Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over them, then steps back] Jesus: They are healed. [walks off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the gun. After a few intense moments Santa moves the gun off and fires twice. Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa... Santa: I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all. The general got one bullet to the brain, another one that split his head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! [sirens go off] Mr. Hankey: More soldiers are coming! Jesus: Let's move. Move! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. Jimmy: Eight... maids are... milking... Scene Description: A hallway. Jesus leads the others out. Jesus: [stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the stairs] Kyle: Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The soldier shoots Jesus in the back] Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and then falls] Santa: [in slow motion] No! [fires away with his gun, killing the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus! [Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch. Jesus: You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Hey. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh? Santa: We sure did, Jesus. Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. Jesus: Uh Santa? Santa: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus. Jesus: Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo disappears] Stan: Oh my God. Iraqis killed Jesus. Kyle: You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other end of the hall] Santa: [with a gun on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow] Scene Description: The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers. Santa: Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins] Mr. Hankey: Start the sleigh! Stan: Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh... Kyle: On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of ammo. He drops the guns and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining soldiers fire at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away] Cartman: Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me- Kyle: Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody! Cartman: Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means. Santa: You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around] Mr. Hankey: What are you doin', Santa? Santa: I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.] Scene Description: Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder. Santa: Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either side with more bombs. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh goes down another street and bombs another building. It too is decorated] Soldier: [directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to fire] Dakadaka! Stan: RPG, four o'clock! Scene Description: Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath. Mr. Hankey: Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now! Santa: Merry Christmas! Hohoho! Scene Description: Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs. Santa: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho! Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy. Jimmy: And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy] Mayor McDaniels: That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse themselves.] Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay! Jimbo: Oh, finally! Mayor McDaniels: Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas! [hands him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes] Townsfolk: Awwww! Randy: Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but jingle bells stop them in their tracks] Santa: [heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies over the gathering and drops a bomb on the tree. It blazes forth with bright lights] Townsfolk: WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands and the occupants disboard] Randy: Stan! Sheila: Kyle! Kyle: [runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh! Stan: [runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq! Santa: [approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other] Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day, we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus. Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hooray! Santa: Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. [leaves the dais] Mr. Hankey: I'll help you, Santa! Santa: [gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off the wrapping. They all get the same gift] Stan: Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls! [Cartman's joy vanishes] Cartman: Oh, God-damnit! Kyle: Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll! Cartman: Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk into the shot] Stan: Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas. [Kenny walks into the frame.] Kenny: (Hey guys. What's goin' on?) Stan: Oh, hey Kenny. Kyle: Dude, where have you been? Kenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.) Kyle: Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look] Stan: Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal. Kenny: (Yeah.)
George: Well... it's a magnificent stone. Mr. Ross: They put it up this morning. George: It's just a magnificent stone. (turns to Jerry) Jerry? Mrs. Ross: George... we'll leave you alone with her. George: What? Mrs. Ross: I'm sure there are things you'd like to say. George: No, I-I-I-I'm good. Really. George: Jerry... Jerry: Thank you, no. George: (to Susan's stone) ...And then, right after the All-Star Break, we, we just swept the Orioles. Four games. In Baltimore. (adjusts necktie nervously) So... yeah. George: Boy, that was awkward! Jerry: I don't mind the cemetery. George: What were you saying to the Rosses over there, anyway? Jerry: Oh, I don't know. I told them her death takes place in the shadow of new life. She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her. George: What is that? Jerry: Star Trek II. George: (identifying it) Wrath of Khan! Jerry: Right. Kramer and I saw it last night. Spock dies, they wrap him up in a towel, and they shoot him out the bowel of the ship in that big sunglasses case. George: That was a hell of a thing when Spock died... Jerry: Yeah... George: Well anyway, the, uh... the stone is up, I paid my respects, guess that's it. Jerry: So it's over? George: I have mourned for three long months! Summer months, too! Anybody could grieve in January! It's time for George to start being George again. Jerry: All right, so uh, let's do something later. How 'bout a movie? George: Yes! Nothing says George like a movie! Kramer: Movie? Jerry: Yeah, you in? Kramer: No, no, no, I can't. I got my martial arts class. George: George is going to the movies! (exits) Jerry: (to Kramer) So how's your karate class going? Kramer: (pronouncing it "kar-ah-tay") Karate, Jerry. Karate. The lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony. Jerry: ...But with punching and kicking. Kramer: Jerry, karate is not here (pointing to the ground). It's here (points to head), and here (points to chest), and here (makes a circle with his hands). Jerry: Alright, I gotta go to the airport to pick up Elaine. Kramer: What, she's been away? Jerry: She's been in Mexico for six weeks. Kramer: No, I really think you're wrong. We just went to the fireworks the other day. Jerry: That was July 4th! Jerry: Alright, I'm outta here, and when I get back, I don't want to see you here (points to kitchen), here (points to living room), or here (makes similar circle with his hands). Elaine: It was unbelievable. Six weeks of traveling through Mexico all on Peterman's peso. Jerry: Wow. So did you get any good ideas for the catalog? Elaine: Oh, tons! Jerry: Anything you couldn't have gotten tearing open a bag of Doritos and watching Viva Zapata? Elaine: (laughs sarcastically) You don't respect my work at all, do you? Jerry: No, I don't. Elaine: So what's been going on around this dump? How's your fiancee? Jerry: My what? Elaine: Jeannie... your fiancee. Jerry: Oh, yeah, that. Well... Elaine: All right. Spill it, Jerome. Jerry: There's really not that much to tell. Jerry & Jeannie: (simultaneously) I hate you! Jeannie: See ya. Jerry: See ya. Jerry: (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse. Elaine: You've never felt remorse. Jerry: I know, I feel bad about that... Elaine: I bet your parents were upset, huh? Jerry: Eh. Elaine: You haven't told them yet, have you? Jerry: No. Dugan: "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..." J. Peterman: Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is. Dugan: It's a, uh, washcloth. J. Peterman: No washcloths! Elaine: Well, Mr. Peterman, I've got a really good idea for a hat. It combines the spirit of old Mexico with a little big city panache. I like to call it the Urban Sombrero. J. Peterman: (rubbing his neck) Oh, my neck is one gargantuan monkey fist. Elaine: Are you okay, Mr. Peterman? J. Peterman: Yes, yes. Go on, go on, go on. Elaine: Well, see, it's... businessmen taking siestas. You know, it's the, uh, the Urban Sombrero. Elaine: Mr. Peterman? George: (inhales deeply) I tell you, Jerry, I'm feeling something. Something I haven't felt in a long time. Jerry: Pride? George: No. Autonomy, complete and total autonomy. Jerry: Well, you're your own boss now. George: I wanna go to a tractor pull. Jerry: Go ahead. George: I am staying out all night! Jerry: Who's stopping you? George: I wanna bite into a big hunk of cheese, just bite into it like it's an apple. Jerry: Whatever. Jerry: Oh God. George: What? Jerry: It's Dolores. George: Who? Jerry: Mulva. Dolores: Jerry, hi. Jerry: Hi, Dolores. George, you remember Dolores? George: Dolores! Dolores: Hi. (to Jerry) I heard you got engaged. Jerry: Yes, Dolores, I did. It didn't work out, though, Dolores. Dolores: Oh, that's too bad. You know... we should get together sometime. See ya. Jerry: See ya. George: Bye, Dolores. George: I thought Mulva hated you. Jerry: Yeah, so did I. You know what? I bet it was the engagement. I've shown I can go all the way. George: All the way? Jerry: Not our "all the way", their "all the way." I got the stink of responsibility on me. George: Yeah, and you were engaged for like a minute, I was engaged for a year. Jerry: You stink worse than I do! George: I'm feeling something else here, Jerry! Secretary: Elaine, it's Mr. Peterman on the phone. Elaine: (answers the phone) Hello, Mr. Peterman, how are you feeling? J. Peterman: Elaine, I'll be blunt. I'm burnt out. I'm fried. My mind is as barren as the surface of the moon. I can run that catalog no longer. Elaine: What? Well, who's gonna do it? J. Peterman: What about you? Elaine: Me? Why me? J. Peterman: Why, indeed. Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you can't leave. J. Peterman: I've already left, Elaine. I'm in Burma. Elaine: Burma? J. Peterman: You most likely know it as Myanmar, but it will always be Burma to me. Bonne chance, Elaine. (to a passerby) You there on the motorbike! Sell me one of your melons! (runs after him) Elaine: Mr. Peterman? Jerry: Where? Elaine: Burma. Jerry: Isn't it Myanmar now? Elaine: Jerry, he wants me to run the catalog! It's crazy! I can't be in charge! Jerry: No, certainly not. Elaine: I mean, I can't give people orders! Jerry: No one's gonna listen to you. Elaine: I am not qualified to run the catalog! Jerry: You're not qualified to work at the catalog. Kramer: Hey. (notices Elaine) What's wrong? Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma, and now he wants me to run the catalog. Kramer: Where? Jerry: Myanmar. Kramer: The discount pharmacy? Elaine: Well, I'm just gonna tell him no. I can't run the catalog. Kramer: Whoa, whoa. Can't? When did that word enter your vocabulary? What, is the job too difficult? (Jerry nods) What, you don't have enough experience? (Jerry shakes his head) Oh, you're not smart enough? (Jerry shakes his head) Where's your confidence? (Jerry shrugs his shoulders) Look, Elaine, let me tell you a story. When I first studied karate... Elaine: Karate? Kramer: Yeah, karate. I had no support. Not from him, not from Newman, no one. The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra. Elaine: Katra? Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, "Yes, I can!" Jerry: Sammy Davis had it. Kramer: So I listened to my katra and now <vreep> I'm dominating the dojo. I'm class champion. Elaine: Well, you know, I, I have watched Peterman run the company. Kramer: Sure you have. Elaine: I know how to do it. Pair of pants, a stupid story, a huge markup. I can do that. Kramer: You follow your katra, and you can do anything. (leads her to the door) Now get out of here. Elaine: (excitedly) Okay. Kramer: That kid is gonna be all right. Jerry: No, she's not. Joey: Come on, Kramer! Kramer: Hey there. Joey: Come on. Mom's down in the car. Kramer: Okay, Joey. Jerry: You guys both have class at the same time? Kramer: No, we're in the same class. Jerry: What do you mean you're in the same class? Kramer: He almost beat me. Jerry: Kramer, you're fighting children?! Kramer: We're all at the same skill level, Jerry. Jerry: He's nine years old! You don't need karate, you can just wring his neck! Kramer: I got carpool. (exits) Kramer: Thanks for the juice box, Mrs. Z. Joey: Hey, could we stop for ice cream on the way home, mom? Mrs. Zanfino: Mmm, I don't know... Mrs. Zanfino: All right. Kids & Kramer: Yay! Dugan: You're taking the job? Elaine: You got that straight. Now I want four new ideas from each of you by 600. No, make that six ideas by 400. All right, let's move, move, move, move, move! Sansei: Are you prepared for kumite? Kramer & Joey: Yes, Sansei. Sansei: Fight stance. Sansei: Hydjama! Begin! Sansei: (raising Kramer's arm) Winner! George: It's open! George: (surprised) Rosses. Mrs. Ross: Hello, George. George: Well, uh... come in, come, come in. (frantically clears the couch of newspapers and crumbs) Mr. Ross: We, uh, tried to call, but the line was busy. George: Oh. Oh. Yeah, sure. Here. Uh, sit down. Uh, uh, cheese, there? (he grabs a suit jacket from the desk chair and puts it on) Mrs. Ross: We know the last three months have been hard on you. George: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Very, very hard. Mr. Ross: And they've been hard on us, too. It's a terrible tragedy when parents outlive their children. George: Yes, I agree. I hope my parents go long before I do. Mr. Ross: That's why we decided to create a foundation to preserve Susan's memory. George: Oh, that's wonderful. Mr. Ross: And, of course, we want you to be an integral part. George: Yes, inte- h-how inte- how integral? Mr. Ross: You'll be on the board of directors. George: (feigning excitement) Great, great. O-Oh, oh, oh, gosh. You know, it's just... my duties with the Yankees... Mrs. Ross: Don't worry, George. The foundation will revolve around your schedule. Evenings, weekends, whenever you have free time. George: I can't believe this is happening. Mr. Ross: Well, it wouldn't have without your friend Jerry's inspirational words. He said to us, "She's not really dead if her shadow is..." Uh, w-what was it, dear? Mrs. Ross: Something about a way, a-and a light, uh... ha. Who the hell knows? Mr. Ross: Well, what's important is that your relationship with Susan doesn't have to end. Mrs. Ross: So will you be sure to thank Jerry for us? George: (feigning happiness) The second I see him. Jerry: Hey. George: Hey. How's your day, good? Jerry: Actually, yeah. I'm meeting Mulva here in a few minutes. George: So uh... Wrath of Khan, huh? Jerry: Yeah. Was that a beauty or what? George: What was that line again? Something about finding your way in a shadow? Jerry: No, no, no, it's... "She's not really dead if we find a way to remember her." George: That's it. That's the line... (squirts mustard into Jerry's coffee and stirs it) ...that destroyed my life. Jerry: (stares into coffee cup and looks back at George) Problem? George: The Rosses have started up a foundation, Jerry, and I have to sit on the board of directors. Jerry: Hey, board of directors. Look at you! George: Yeah! Look at me! I was free and clear! I was living the dream! I was stripped to the waist, eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery! Jerry: Before we go any further, I'd just like to point out how disturbing it is that you equate eating a block of cheese with some sort of bachelor paradise. George: Don't you see? I'm back in. Jerry: All because of Wrath of Khan? George: Yes! Jerry: Well, it was the best of those movies. George: KHAN! Wyck: George. Wyck: George. (taps him on the shoulder) George: (startled) Oh! Wyck: I'm Wyck Thayer, chairman of the Susan Ross Foundation. George: Wink. Wyck: (correcting him) Wyck. George: Wyck. Wyck: Now, as you know, the Rosses had considerable monies. George: Oh. I know they have some monies. Wyck: They had more than some monies. Many, many monies. And they planned to give a sizable portion of their estate to you and Susan after the wedding. George: So, if Susan and I had... I mean, if the envelopes hadn't, uh... then we- Wyck: Yes. George: And now? Wyck: Not. It's all been endowed to the foundation, even this townhouse. George: This townhouse? Wyck: This would have been your wedding gift. George: And now? Wyck: Not. George: Not. Wyck: Also endowed. George... I know how much Susan meant to you. It can't be easy. George: You know, it really can't. Dolores: So who broke it off? Jerry: Well, that's the thing. It was completely mutual. Dolores: Oh, come on. Everybody knows there's no such thing as a mutual breakup. Tell me the truth. Jerry: I am. It was the world's first. Dolores: You know, when I heard you got engaged, I thought maybe you had matured. But obviously there's no growth here. (exits) Jerry: Well, I can't argue with that, but the fact remains... I was completely... (to himself, cursing her) Mulva! Jerry: (answering) Hello? Secretary: Please hold for Elaine Benes. Jerry: Oh, I don't believe this. Elaine: (picking up) Jerry! Jerry: Hey! Elaine: Hey. Guess who just finished laying out her first issue of the J. Peterman Catalog. Jerry: How's it look? Elaine: (muffled, as she's smoking a cigar) It's a peach. Jerry: Huh? Elaine: I say, it's a peach. Jerry: Elaine, let me ask you something. When I told you my breakup was mutual, did you believe me? Elaine: No, no, no. It's weak. No one's gonna buy it, and you shouldn't be selling it. Jerry: I gotta do some research here. Elaine: Hey, hey. Me. Talking. You know, between you and me, I always thought Kramer was a bit of a doofus, but he believed in me. You did not. So as I see it, he's not the doofus. You are the doofus. Jerry: Oh, I'm the doofus? Elaine: Yeah. You, Jerry, are the doofus. Jerry: You know, it occurs to me that Kramer is at karate right now. Elaine: Oh, well, maybe I'll just go down there and thank him in person. Jerry: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Elaine: Kramer! Kramer: Oh, hey. Elaine: What are you doing? Kramer: Oh, well, I-I-I'm dominating. Elaine: You never said you were fighting children. Kramer: Well, it's not the size of the opponent, Elaine, it's, uh, the ferocity. Elaine: This is what you used to build me up? This is where you got all that stupid katra stuff? Kramer: No, no. That's from, uh, Star Trek III... The Search for Spock. Elaine: Search... for Spock?! Kramer: Yeah, I know Jerry will tell you that The Wrath of Khan is the better picture, but for me, I always... Elaine: (pushes him) You doofus! Jerry: Okay, question #8. What if I told you my fiancee left me for another man? Does that make me more likable, less likable, as likable? Let's start over here this time. Waitress #1: More. Waitress #2: Less. Ruthie: Same. Willie: Are we about through here? Kramer: I thought you said your mom was meeting us in the alley. Joey: She had a little change of plans. Kramer: What's going on? Hey, Timmy, Clara. That was some kind of workout we had tonight, huh? Girl: Now we finish it. Kramer: Aah! Aah! Mama! Jerry: (on the phone) Dad, I wouldn't eat anything you caught in that pond out in front of the condo. Jerry: Uh, look, Elaine's here, I gotta get going. Oh, by the way, uh, I'm not getting married. Tell mom. Bye. (hangs up) Jerry: So... did you stop by the dojo? Elaine: Yep. Jerry: How's your confidence level? Elaine: Shot. Jerry: Self-esteem? Elaine: Gone. Jerry: Doofus? Elaine: (raises her hand) Yo. Jerry: All right, so what? You put out the catalog. How bad could it be? Jerry: What is that? Elaine: It's the Urban Sombrero. I put it on the cover. Jerry: Well, nobody sees the... cover. Kramer: God! Jerry: What happened to you? Kramer: Whew! I got whooped. You should have seen the rage in their little eyes. And those tiny little fists of fury. Oh. (notices the Urban Sombrero) What is that? Jerry: It's the new cover of the J. Peterman Catalog. It is Elaine's choice. Let's congratulate her. Kramer: Oh I see. (Elaine walks up to him) Woof! Elaine: (pointing a finger accusingly at Kramer) You! This is all your fault! You told me I could run the company! Kramer: Well, then I was way off! Elaine: Well, I'll see ya... (exits) Jerry: Vaya con dios. Kramer: (with his forehead in his hands) Man, I gotta go lay down. You and George going out a little later? Jerry: No, he's still stuck at the foundation. Kramer: You know, you oughta go down there and help him out. He's a widower. Jerry: Widower? Wait a second. (goes to a notebook of his research) Wyck: Okay, let's see. The beachhouse. 48 acres... ooh. Southampton. That should fetch a fair price. George: Would I have had access to that? Wyck: Of course, it would have been yours. George: And now? George: (anticipating the answer) Not. George: Hello? Jerry: Hey, Georgie! I'm doing some research down at the coffee shop. Your story's the one. George: My story? Jerry: Yeah, your widower story's tested through the roof. (various patrons give the thumbs up in approval) When are you getting out of there? George: Uh, excuse me, Wyck. Uh, are we, uh, almost done here? Wyck: (chuckling) Oh, no, not even close. George: (remorsefully) I can't go. Jerry: What do you mean you can't go? There's two really girls sitting at the counter eating grilled cheese. Cheese, George! Cheese! Wyck: Okay, next item. Susan's doll collection. Estimated value $2.6 million. What do you say we go through this doll by doll?
Scene Description: A very blurry image appears onscreen, but it begins to sharpen ever so slowly... It's Cartman, thinking back over the season's events. Cartman: I don't know where to start. First, it was all the school shootings, then these Wi-Fi scooters showed up, and now we know that ManBearPig is real and we could all be dead in a matter of years. Doctor: [slowly] And you believe this all relates somehow to the movie Black Panther not being as good as everyone says it was? Cartman: I know there's a connection. But that isn't what matters. I can't deal with people anymore. It's just... everyone sucks so hard, you know? Everybody is so stupid. And they all walk around going "Nya na chai cha nyachacha chai cha." And the only thing that makes me happy, the only thing I can trust... is this. [holds up his phone] But... all people do is try to keep me from it. [memories show up onscreen.] Scene Description: Cartman's Bedroom. He is reclining back with his legs on top of his computer desk, smiling...while playing with his phone. Liane stops by and opens the door. Cartman: I'll be in my room and my mom will come in and say... Liane: [Cartman imitates her]"Eric, that's enough time on your phone!" [she leaves as Cartman frowns, then lowers his eyelids] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, forth grade classroom. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling, while Mrs. Nelson has some multiplication problems written on the chalkboard. Cartman: And then at school... Mrs. Nelson: [Cartman imitates her] "Eric!" [he stops looking at his phone as Mrs. Nelson addresses him] "What are you doing? You can't use your phone at school!" [Cartman begins to frown again] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. Some of the forth grade boys are playing football and trying to block each other. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling and holding the football, with his back turned towards the game. Cartman: And even my friends. My own friends! They'll be like... Stan: [Cartman imitates him] "Hey Cartman! Throw us the ball. You're the goddamn quarterback!" [Cartman droops] Scene Description: Doctor's office. Cartman is back on the chair. Cartman: It's like, everybody needs something from me. All I want is a little time with my phone instead of always listening to people's needy bullshit. [a second or two of silence, then Cartman looks over and sees the doctor playing with his own phone.] Doctor: Oh ahh, d'ya, sorry. Just... [puts his phone away] Uh, well, you know, young people have so much to deal with today. I believe that what you have is... anxiety. Cartman: Anxiety? Is that cool? Doctor: It's pretty common these days. What it really is, more than anything is an excuse to be lazy and lame to everyone around you. Cartman: [sits up] Oh my God, that's perfect! Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's playing on his smartphone when a call comes in on the school's intercom PC Principal: I'm busy. [the intercom beeps again] Ms. Blaze: Mr. Principal? PC Principal: I'm busy doing stuff! [beep] What?! Ms. Blaze: The vice principal needs to speak with you. She says it's urgent. [PC Principal sighs] Scene Description: The Vice Principal's office. PC Principal arrives there looking around Mr. Mackey: [surprising him] Oh, PC Principal! PC Principal: Uh-uh yes? Mr. Mackey: Are you going in to see the vice principal? I really need to speak with her. PC Principal: Uh yeah, we just uh, we're having an important scheduling to go over. Mr. Mackey: Everything is okay with you two? There's no more "inappropriate behavior"? You know, as a counselor, I'm here to- PC Principal: That's in the past, Mackey! We've paid our dues, and we're not hiding anything anymore. Mr. Mackey: Mmm-m'kay. [turns left and continues on his way. PC Principal turns around and opens the door, then goes in] Scene Description: The Vice Principal's office, inside. The office is a nursery and the PC babies are throwing stuff around and crying. Strong Woman: [frustrated] I could use a little help here! PC Principal: What's going on?? Strong Woman: Riley said a word her sister felt was insensitive to Muslims. Now they're all upset. PC Principal: All right, what word did you use, Riley?! Strong Woman: She just said "Aba daba." PC Principal: Look, can't we put them in a daycare? Strong Woman: Oh, yeah. That would be really smart. If anybody sees them, they're gonna figure out you're the father. PC Principal: Well maybe they won't! Strong Woman: You wanna risk that? The babies have to stay hidden because if people know the truth, then you're not PC and I'm not strong! [she leaves the office, looking both ways before closing the door] Scene Description: A restaurant, day. Cartman is at a table waiting for service, but also on his phone tapping away Waiter: [arrives, smiling] All right, can I take your order? [Cartman ignores him until he speaks again] Excuse me. [Cartman puts his hand up for a moment] What would you like, sir? Cartman: Just a God- can you wait?! Isn't that your job?! Aren't you a wait-er?! [the waiter walks away, eyeing him. Cartman starts a video game. The noise from the game eventually catches the attention of a nearby diner] Diner: Hey, could you turn your phone down, kid? This is a restaurant. Cartman: It just so happens I have anxiety! That means I have trouble being around assholes who won't leave me alone! [leaves his chair] Scene Description: The streets downtown. Cartman walks down a sidewalk when a cyclist whizzes past him and rings the bike's bell. He looks but lets it go and continues walking. He crosses an intersection. He then approaches Tele's, where the owner is sweeping the front entrance and then notices Cartman. Tele's owner: Oh, hello, Eric. Cartman: Shut up. I have anxiety. [approaches another intersection when an elderly man tries to get his attention] Pedestrian: Hey kid! [Cartman is visibly annoyed] Hey kid! Cartman: [turns around and yells out in anger] I'm on my phone!! Pedestrian: You're about to get hit by a car! [a car goes by behind Cartman] Cartman: [just angered] All right, that's it! Everyone stop! Just fucking stop right now! [traffic stops moving and everyone stops to listen] Listen up, people! I have anxiety! That means I'm in my shell and have a hard time expressing myself! I find it difficult to engage with others! So everyone shut the fuck up because my anxiety is up here right now! Scene Description: A commercial. Zen music plays as the camera pans down to a Buddha statue in a garden complete with waterfall Announcer: We live in a world of many distractions. It's hard to find peace. Scene Description: A woman sits alone on a park bench on a sidewalk, looking at her phone. She then notices people all around her are looking at their phones as well Announcer: In the hustle and bustle of modern times, we've lost the one thing we all need. [The scene freezes with the woman now smiling and the caption, "More quality one-on-one time with our phone" appears next to her]. More quality one-on-one time with our phone. Scene Description: A blonde female pulls up a cardboard box from the bottom of the screen and holds it up, revealing it to be the Buddha Box. Announcer: But now you can have it with Buddha Box. [a cardboard box with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sticker on the front, a drawing of Buddha above the product name "Buddha Box" and an antenna on the side. The woman proceeds to put it over her head] Simply fit the patented box on your head and set its Bluetooth to your mobile device. Scene Description: A 3D rendered model of the Buddha Box with its internal workings is shown, along with the captions "FRONT PROJECTION 4K SCREEN", "CELLULAR ANTENNA" and "NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES" Announcer: Inside Buddha Box, your phone is projected two inches from your face, and the noise-canceling headphones let you hear your phone without any outside noise, giving you peace from... Scene Description: Inside a car that is stuck in traffic, an Uber driver is talking non-stop while a businessman in the backseat is visibly annoyed. Announcer: That annoying Uber driver who wants to talk. [the businessman puts the Buddha Box over his head while the driver doesn't seem notice.] Scene Description: A business office. A female office worker is at her cubicle and using her smartphone. A male co-worker starts to approach her. Announcer: Those people at work who act like they need stuff. [As the co-worker is about to speak to her, she notices and immediately puts the Buddha Box over head and goes back to her phone] Scene Description: A living room. A blonde male turns and looks into the camera as his three kids run around the room, playing with toy swords and a rocket and then jump on the couch. Man: I want to be enlightened, like the Buddha, but I've got these fucking kids. Scene Description: A family dining room. The blonde male has the Buddha Box over his head and plays with his phone, while his wife desperately tries to calm the kids down. Announcer: Let Buddha Box take you to a place of peace and serenity, [the man is transported from the dining room to a heavenly atmosphere, floating above the clouds...while still looking at his phone] where you can have quality, uninterrupted time with your phone. Scene Description: A bedroom. A woman is sitting on her bed and removes the Buddha Box from her head. Woman: I was stressed out and feeling anxious. After just 8 to 10 hours in Buddha Box, I feel refreshed and ready to take on anything. Scene Description: The woman's husband appears by the door and leans in to talk to her. Husband: Babe, can you please come say hi to my mother while she's here? [she just reaches over and drops the Buddha Box on her head and picks up her phone] Announcer: [The Buddha Box is shown rotating as it approaches the center of the screen] Order Buddha Box today and you too can have that quiet, quality time with your phone. Like... the Buddha. [The Buddha Box logo is shown. Suddenly it has a Buddha Box over its head and a phone in its hands] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman stands in the hallway with his Buddha Box on. Kevin walks past him, staring. Kyle and Stan walk around the corner and stop when they reach him Kyle: What the hell is that? Stan: I think it's Cartman. Kyle: What is it doing? Scene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed. Cartman: [out loud, but the Buddha Box is soundproof, so no one else can hear him] Ha! That's so sweet! [A Youtube page with an image of a guy covered in pasta titled "Guy hit by pasta!" and has 67,453 views] That video seriously made me laugh! [closes the app and returns to the iPhone home screen] Let me check my e-mail again! [opens an email app] Oh man, nothing from Lorenz yet? Whatever. Weak.[returns to the iPhone home screen] Oh! I gotta see that post from Clyde again! [goes and opens Instagram. A post from "ClydeTheMan" is shown, with a selfie of Clyde smugly looking into the camera. Behind him is Butters, who appears to be unconscious and laying on his back out on the sidewalk. It has the caption, "Guess who I found? #dead" and 110 likes. Kyle and Stan stay by Cartman until the bell rings, then they go to class.] Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Craig is at the urinal. Somehow, Cartman makes his way inside and wanders over to the urinals. He stands right next to Craig and drops through. Craig: Dude! [Cartman bumps into him] Dude, what the hell are you doing?! Cartman: What? What? Who is that? Craig: Get off of me!! Cartman: [raises his Buddha Box] Oh, sorry Craig. Didn't see you there. Craig: Yeah, 'cause you got a stupid box on your head! [finishes up, zips up his pants, and flushes the urinal, then walks away] Cartman: Oh, there's nothing stupid about it. Don't you wish you had a way to deal with your anxiety? Craig: [stops, then turns around] My anxiety? Cartman: I see it in you, Craig. With your parents and relationships? Imagine being able to shut them out for a little while, Craig, so you can focus on what matters. With Buddha Box you can cut out all the unwanted noise. Not have to deal with conversations that are of no interest to you. Craig: Well, I have to admit: sometimes, when me and Tweek are together it's... it's like he wants my atten- [Thump. Cartman has lowered his Buddha Box over his head. Craig turns around, dismayed, and walks out. Cartman turns left and steps up to the urinal] Scene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom, day. The bell rings and Mrs. Nelson walks up to the chalkboard to erase the multiplication problems that were there Ms. Nelson: All right, children, we have a lot to go over for today's quiz. Who can tell me where we left off? [turns around and notices Cartman wearing his Buddha Box] Eric. [no reaction] Eric Cartman. Scene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed. Cartman: [looking at the website, "Thrown Tomatoes", with a picture and reviews for the movie "Creed II"] Thirty-four million dollars box office? How the hell does Creed II do $34 million opening weekend? [begins to flip through his apps] What's the weather like tomorrow? [The weather forecast screen shows it is 22 degrees and sunny in South Park] Oh, it's snowing? I gotta tell Lorenz. I- [as he attempts to access the email app, the Box comes off his head, and the light blinds his eyes] Whoa, whoa! Hey! Mrs. Nelson: [holding Cartman's Buddha Box] What do you think you're doing? Cartman: Excuse me, that's my Buddha Box. Ms. Nelson: You aren't using this during class time. Cartman: It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch! [Mrs. Nelson and the rest of the class gasp at his remark] Scene Description: The Principal's office. Cartman has earned a trip there for calling his teacher a "dumb bitch" PC Principal: I don't know what makes you think you're different from everyone else, but nobody gets away with slandering teachers at this school! Cartman: [to his phone] Uhuh. Aw man, that looks, that looks sweet. PC Principal: Hey! [no reaction] HEY! [Cartman peeks out from under the box, then looks at PC Principal] Cartman: Oh, PC Principal. Hello. PC Principal: Just what do you think you're doing? Cartman: [as Zen music plays] I'm letting go of stress and being calm, like the Buddha. PC Principal: There are no boxes on your head in school! Cartman: Hey. Whoa man, what's going on? Are you suffering from anxiety? PC Principal: What are you talking about? Cartman: It's okay. I have it too. Anxiety is very real. But there is help for people like us. Scene Description: Strong Woman's living room, day. The PC Babies have taken over it and are causing damage as PC Principal sits on the sofa wearing a Buddha Box. Strong Woman comes in and surveys the damage Strong Woman: What the fuck are you doing?! [walks up and removes the Box from his head] Hey! What the fuck are you doing?! PC Principal: Oh hey, I just needed to answer a couple of e-mails really fast. Strong Woman: With a box on your head?! PC Principal: I got one for you, too. [gets off the sofa and gets it to show her] It's Buddha Box. [no reaction] Look, you and I have been having a lot of problems. Clearly, what we both need is more quality one-on-one time with our phones. Strong Woman: I don't need a box on my head to use the phone! PC Principal: I'm sorry! [takes the box to the sofa and dumps it there] I was trying to be helpful! [gets his Buddha Box and leaves. One of the girls tries to pull a rabbit away from one of her brothers] Strong Woman: All right, Riley. Give that back to your brother. [the brother chases Riley. Another brother goes to an end table and pulls the lamp off it, breaking the light bulb] Bailey, no! [a third brother sees some paper wads and begins to chew on one of them] Harper, don't! Har-per! [picks up her phone and starts using it. Then she looks at the Buddha Box and puts it on her head. The babies stop crying and begin to crawl or walk away. They pass by the restroom. Riley stops to open the door to show PC Principal on the toilet, and Harper looks on. They then move out] Scene Description: Montage. The babies leave the house and wander the town. Bailey sits on a mailbox drop slot. Riley slides off the hood of a car. Harper somehow got on the roof of a building. The other sister walks out of a shop. The kids then take a submarine and ride it in an aquarium with fish and an octopus in it. They study some restrooms and cry over the "Male Only" and "Female Only" designations. Then, they are shown flying upward into the sky with a rainbow behind them. Next, they're in a children's library as the librarian brings out "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" from the American Classics shelf. The babies cry again. Finally the PC Babies logo comes up All: PC Babies Lead Singer: They're comin' to your town All: PC Babies Lead Singer: The wokest kids around When there's something problematic They're sure to let you know. Making things fun and gender-neutral All: Everywhere they go They're everybody's fave-sies They're PC babies, yeah! Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. Patron 1: Hey Mike. What's that you're drinking? Mike: This? Oh, it's a Cosmopolitan. I know, I know, it's a pussy drink. [some babies are heard crying.] Patron 2: [leans in a bit to say] Hey, be careful, guys. There are some PC babies over there. [the three gents approach the babies.] Mike: Oh great. Come on, I didn't mean pussy drink as in female genitalia. [the babies don't stop] Okay, I'm sorry! I'll order a Black Russian! [babies cry harder] Barkeep: Hey, what's all that racket down there?! Patron 1: Oh, there's some PC babies upset about certain drink descriptions. Barkeep: Fine, we'll take them off the menu. Patron 1: Who's makin' a difference? Who's the future? [this brightens the babies' moods as they start to giggle.] Scene Description: A soccer field, day. The South Park Cows are facing a visiting team. Kyle and Stan kick the ball back and forth until a visiting player intercepts it and drives toward the Cows' net. Kyle: Here it comes! Block it! [the player kicks the ball towards the net. Cartman stands there oblivious that there's a game going on. The ball goes cleanly into the net. The player smiles as the whistle blows.] What the fuck, dude?! Token: What is your goddamn problem?! [he, Kyle, and Stan move towards him] Cartman: [lifts up his Box] What's going on? Kyle: They just scored again, you fat fuck! Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm dealing with my anxiety! Do you know how hard it is for people with my condition to come out and even do things like this?! Living with anxiety is awful, huh Craig? [Craig is shown wearing a Buddha Box] Kyle: Can we get another goalie, please?! Cartman: Oh yeah! Sure! Yeah, because people with anxiety shouldn't be allowed to play sports! Right, Kyle?! [A Buddha Box sits on Cartman's head.] You know, our world is dark and scary enough without people like you making us feel inferior. [drops his Box over his head again, but lifts it up really quickly.] Asshole! [back down the Box goes] Token: Fuck this! [walks off angrily] My parents didn't come here to see their son lose by 20 points! Come on, Dad. Let's go! [his anger vanishes] Dad? [Steve Black and a few other parents in the stands are wearing their own Buddha Box] Scene Description: Downtown, day. PC Principal drives Strong Woman through town searching for the babies Strong Woman: River?? Bailey?! Emory?! PC Principal: It's okay. We're gonna find them. Strong Woman: I can't believe you were on your phone! PC Principal: You were on your phone too! Strong Woman: It was my time to be on the phone! You were on yours all morning! PC Principal: You're seriously gonna make this all my fault?! Strong Woman: Yes! PC Principal: Because last time I checked, you didn't even want me around as a partner to the PC Babies, even though I- Strong Woman: [rolls her eyes] Oh God, I'm not doing this again. PC Principal: Even though you need me to do shit for you every [Strong Woman drops her Box over her head] 10 fuckin' minutes! You don't get to just say whatever you- [notices she's no longer listening] Oh. Okay, cool. Fine with me! I'm the one who has a fuckin' problem on their fuckin' phone! [looks at the scenery for a few seconds] You know, usually, I'm afraid to tell you what I really think, but you wanna know something? [looks over] You wanna- you wanna know what I really think? [at no point did Strong Woman remove her Box, and he just drops it.] Scene Description: The Park County Recreation Center, day. The doctor is seated with several couples who need help - Tweek and Craig, Liane and Cartman, Ryan and Sarah, Token and Steve. Craig, Cartman, Sarah, and Steve are wearing Buddha Boxes Doctor: Anxiety can make you feel unable to cope. But living with someone who has anxiety can be a bit of a roller coaster as well. We have to support our loved ones with their anxiety and try to understand their illness. Tweek: I just feel that Craig has changed so much lately! He barely even talks to me anymore! Doctor: Well, because his anxiety make him feel like anything he says might sound wrong. That's why we must nurture our loved ones, so they feel safe. Liane: Eric, I just feel like you have so much to offer the world, and it kills me that you're so afraid to let your inner you shine. Cartman: [talking to his Buddha Box] Heh heh, that guy's such a douche. What was that... what was that one show he was on? Doctor: Maybe you, you wanna text him that? [Liane picks up her phone and sends Cartman a message] Cartman: Oh yeah, that's it. B.J. and the Bear. That show was so dumb. What kind of monkey was that, anyway? What was that- what was that monkey he always had- Wait. What the? What the hell is this? Oh God damnit. [lifts up his Box] Mom, will you stop texting me? I'm trying to relax! Doctor: Look, we're all just trying to understand this condition, and it's like you're not listening! Cartman: We're doing everything we can to keep our anxiety under control! Do you think I even wanna be here right now?! I am freaking out! Token: Can we go now? Cartman: [to his Buddha Box] Heheh, yeah. That's pretty cool. Scene Description: A construction site, day. The workers sit around until the foreman walks up Foreman: Hey! Hey, what's goin' on here?! Why aren't you people workin'?! Laborer 1: We can't keep buildin', sir. We got a bunch of protesters who won't let us work. Foreman: Protesters? Who? Laborer 1: Ah, it's just a bunch of PC babies who think building this thing is wrong. [leads the foreman to the babies, who are all crying] Foreman: All right, all right! What do you PC babies want? [the crying continues] Laborer 1: I guess they're upset because the new viaduct is being financed by a state rather than a county institution. Foreman: Aw, come on PC Babies! Why does that matter?! [the crying continues] Laborer 1: I guess the state refused to finance a proposed program on race-relation education, an they see it as hypocritical. Foreman: God damnit, not everyone cares about race-relation programs! Come on, PC Babies! We got a job to do! [the babies aren't budging and continue to cry] Scene Description: Park County Police Station. One officer walks around with a Buddha Box on his head while a desk officer talks to PC Principal and Strong Woman Desk Officer: All right, all right, just calm down, lady! You want to file a missing persons report? Strong Woman: No! No, we don't want to file anything specific. We just need help finding some PC babies. Desk Officer: PC babies? They usually hang out at the liberal arts colleges. You could find some there. Strong Woman: Nono, it's five specific PC babies. Desk Officer: Tony, wasn't there a report of some PC babies down at the Mexican border? Strong Woman: No! No, these PC babies wouldn't have gotten that far! They can barely walk. I'm their mother. Desk Officer: Hokay, okay. Last name? Strong Woman: Woman. Desk Officer: First name? Strong Woman: [with a breaking voice] Strong. Desk Officer: Okay, and you're the father? Both: NO! PC Principal: I'm her superior at work! Strong Woman: Don't be ridiculous! PC Principal: You think I took advantage of my position?! Strong Woman: I'm not some two-bit floozy who goes around sleeping with her boss! I am a strong woman! Those kids were born naturally by in-vitro fertilization. [they begin to talk over] PC Principal: I'm not Harvey Weinstein, all right?! I have nothing but respect for females at my workplace, and I would never compromise that position! Strong Woman: We'll uh, see what we can do. In the meantime you'll just have to take a seat and wait. [they go and find two seats next to a man wearing a Buddha Box. They look around, find some Buddha Boxes on the floor, and put them on.] Scene Description: Pi Pi's Water Park, day. A line of people awaits a ride down a water slide called "Hyperbowl". At the head of the line now are Cartman, Kyle, and Stan. Cartman has his Buddha Box on and isn't getting on the slide Kyle: Go! [no reaction] GO! [thumps the Box to get Cartman's attention] Cartman: What do you want? Kyle: Go down the slide or get out of the way! Cartman: You think I even want to be here, Kyle?! My therapist told me I need to force myself to go out and do things to overcome my anxiety! Kyle: [to a nearby lifeguard] Can we move him, please?! [the lifeguard is revealed to be wearing a Buddha Box] Cartman: Oh! Oh, I see! People with anxiety shouldn't be allowed at water parks. Is that it, Kyle? [jumps out of line] Hey everybody! Just so you know, Kyle thinks people with anxiety should just stay home! Yeah! I'm trying to come out of my shell, but Dr. Kyle here is just worried about his place in line. Scene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash, later. Cartman is sunning himself on a towel poolside with his Buddha Box. Kyle: [approaching] Get! Off! My! Towel! [knocks the Buddha Box off Cartman's head] Get off my towel! Cartman: God damnit! I seriously can't get a minute of peace! [goes to flip his Box upright as Kyle folds the towel up] Why is it that people who don't have a Buddha Box are always flipping Buddha Boxes off the heads of people with anxiety?! Kyle: [Stan, Clyde, and Token look on] I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it. And they stop being a piece of shit! Cartman: [subdued] Everyone has anxiety? Kyle: Yes! Cartman: Oh my God. I know what I have to do now. Yo-you're right, Kyle! You're right! [hurries away] Kyle: What? No. No! What did I just do? Stan: Should have just let him be on his phone, dude. Scene Description: Spinny Mountain Records, day Record Producer: You know what the kids like today? They like music that matters! I think you guys got what it takes to be the next big thing! The PC Babies! [the babies cry] That's what I'm talkin' about! That stuff is raw! Everyone loves you, PC Babies! We're gonna make you famous! Scene Description: The recording booth, moment later. Bruce: All right, PC Babies, let's hear what you got. [Music plays as the babies start thrashing about and cry. Riley's on drums, Bailey's on banjo, Harper's on the piano, River is on the triangle, and Emory is on the xylophone. After a few seconds of recording, Bruce and the record producer hi-five each other.] Scene Description: South Park Police Station, day. The desk officer is writing on a clipboard while listening to the radio DJ: All right, South Park, and now here's that special treat we told you about. Live with us in the studio is a hot new band: The PC Babies. They're gonna perform their new song, which is about the injustice of white people in dreadlocks. It's called "Weeaaagh." [the song recorded earlier plays. The desk officers starts to move his head and snap his fingers to the music. Strong Woman and PC Principal eventually notice] Strong Woman: [raises her Buddha Box] Riley? PC Principal: [raises his Buddha Box] Tha-that's Bailey! Desk Officer: [continues moving his head and snapping his fingers] It's the PC Babies. Guess they're all the rage now. PC Principal: Cone on! [the couple bolts from their chairs] Scene Description: The Mayor's Office, day. Cartman is talking to the Mayor and her aides, now sporting a shaved head, wearing a bathrobe and towel like a Buddhist monk, with his Buddha Box beside him Cartman: To quiet one's mind, one must have a dialog with one's self. I have found enlightenment. But there are so many others who suffer. It's very important to take the time to shut out the outside world. In the Hindu religion, there's a saying, "Namaste." It means "fuck you, I have anxiety." At first I thought it was only a few of us, but then something was said to me by Kyle. He said "Eric, my friend, everyone has anxiety." I know what you're thinking: "Fuck Kyle." And normally I would agree with you, but hear his words. Everyone has anxiety. We must recognize this disease as an epidemic. Yes, fuck Kyle, but Mayor, we have to raise money to get everyone who has anxiety the tools they need to cope. Mayor McDaniels: And how do YOU think we get that money? How do YOU suggest we do this? Cartman: Namaste. Johnson: Na-ma-ste. Cartman: Fuck you too. Scene Description: WXFU 88.3, day. The secretary has a Buddha Box on her head. The babies and the record producer step off the elevator and head towards the exit. Record Producer: That was far out, PC Babies! You really rocked the airwaves! Now come on! We got a photo shoot at 5! [PC Principal and Strong Woman burst through the doors] PC Principal: Kids! [they run past the producer towards the kids.] Strong Woman: You're okay! Thank God! Record Producer: Who the hell are you?? Strong Woman: [her and PC Principal pick up the babies] I'm their... vice principal. PC Principal: Yea, and ah-I'm their principal. We need to get these kids back to school. Record Producer: You can't do that! These are the PC Babies! Don't you know how big they are?! In just one day they protested a bar, stopped construction of a problematic viaduct, and wrote a hit single about cultural appropriation! Strong Woman: They... did all that? PC Principal: Oh my God. They had their first protests... and we missed it. We missed everything because... we were on our phones. Strong Woman: I've always used the phone as a way to deal with the stress of having babies nobody could know the truth about, but... it's only made it worse. PC Principal: You know what we have to do, right? Strong Woman: Yeah, I think so. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, day. a PTA meeting is taking place PC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. The vice principal and I have been discussing student health, and it's our firm belief that they need, and what we all need, is less time on our phones. [the attendees are shown, every last one of them in a Buddha Box tapping away on their phones.] Yes, yes I know it's an unpopular idea, but just hear me out, please. Our phones are the cause of stress, not the relief from it. We are banning phones and Buddha Boxes, and we suggest you all strictly limit their use at home as well. [continued constant tapping] Strong Woman: [observing the room] I don't think anyone's listening to you. PC Principal: Yeah... Nobody's listening. And nobody's watching. [puts down the microphone] Strong Woman: I guess we can wait and ban the boxes tomorrow? [they kiss] Scene Description: Montage. "Today" by Brad Paisley begins to play. While they kiss, people on the sidewalk in front of the school walk around wearing Buddha Boxes.PC Principal check to see if the coast is clear, then pulls Strong Woman and the five babies out. With everyone wearing Buddha Boxes, the family walks around town happy and free. Next they walk through Downtown. A man crosses the street and is struck by a car, flipping over it and landing on his stomach. Both driver and pedestrian are wearing Buddha Boxes. The parents just gather up the PC babies, knowing they're safe from harm. Next, they're having a picnic at the park. Next, they're in Aspen skiing down the bunny slope. One of the babies slips, and everyone else follows suit. Next, they walk past a fire pit in the lodge. Last scene is of the family eating at Buca de Fagoncini Brad Paisley: You keep brushing that hair back out of your eyes And it just keeps falling and so do I I am feeling like the luckiest man alive Today And I don't know about tomorrow Right now the whole world feels right And the memory of a day like today Can get you through the rest of your life
% A Night At The Improv. Jerry Receives Some Disturbing News From The Manager: The show has been delayed. Jerry: You don't understand. I got this all timed out. I got another spot across town at 950, I'm not gonna be able to make it! Kernis: I hear you, guy. Jerry: And I'm doin' Letterman Monday. You know, I gotta work out the material! % In The Background Is The Plot Complication Of The Week: Buckles. The manager assures Jerry that Buckles isn't on the menu. He just hangs around hoping that somebody drops out. Kernis: Why don't you come back and do the 11 o'clock spot? Jerry: No, I'm supposed to meet my friends to see this movie ``CheckMate'' at 1030. Buckles: Hey, Jer! Jerry: [not losing a step] Heeeeyyyyyyyy... [and out the door] George: Excuse me, do you have a ticket? Man: No. George: Okay. Good. % Misunderstanding Number One: When Jerry shows up at the other comedy place, the manager tells him his spot was for 915, not 950. The manager had no choice but to give Jerry's spot to... Buckles: Jerry! Jerry: What are <you> doing here? Buckles: Hey, do you think this is funny? ``Why do they call it athlete's foot? You don't have to be an athlete to get it. I mean, my father gets it all the time, and believe me, he's no athlete!'' Elaine: I've been dying to see ``CheckMate''. George: Well, if it's as good as ``Ponce de Leon'', I'll be happy. Elaine: ``Ponce de Leon'', are you kidding me? I hated that movie! George: ``Ponce de Leon''? But that was great! Elaine: Oh, <come on>. That Fountain of Youth scene at the end, where they're all splashin' around, and then they go running over to the mirror to see if it really worked? I mean, come on! [laughing too hard to continue] That's stupid! George: Lemme tell you sum'in. When Ponce looked in that mirror and saw that he hadn't changed, and that tear started to roll down his cheek? ... I lost it. % Apparently, A Movie That Can Be Interpreted On Two Levels. Misunderstanding Number Two: Kramer joins George and Elaine after looking for them at the Paradise Twin around the corner. Elaine hates the Paradise because it's a multiplex; she'd rather see a movie on a big screen. Something catches Kramer's eye. Kramer: Listen, I'm gonna get a hot dog at Payapa King. George & Elaine: No, wait! George: You're not going to get back here in time! Kramer: I'm starvin', I haven't had any dinner! Elaine: You can get a hot dog in the theater. Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! [in tears] I want a Papaya King hot dog! Elaine: Kramer, Jerry is going to be here any second, and then this line is going to start moving, and we're going to end up in the front row. Kramer: Well, just save me a seat. Elaine: No! I don't want to save seats. Don't put me through that! I once had the fleece just ripped out of my winter coat in a seat-saving incident! George: I'm in line to buy. Elaine: No, George, this is the ticket-<holders> line. George: No it's not, it's the ticket-<buyers> line. Elaine: Then how come we're not moving? Kramer: Good question. George: Is this the ticket holders line, or the buyers? Man: Holders. George: But I asked you before if you had a ticket, and you said no! Man: I didn't. My friend was getting it. George: [furious] Good. It's good to be accurate like that. Elaine: Can you believe him? Kramer: He's spaced out. Elaine: How long would you have stood in the ticket-holders line? Kramer: [thinks for a while] Elaine: [gives up] Yeah, exactly... % The Movie Has Sold Out. ``Real Good, George. Real Good.'' It'S Now 10: 20, and Kramer suggests they go watch the 1045 showing of "CheckMate" at the Paradise. Elaine enters whine mode. Elaine: I don't wanna go to a... miniplex multi-theater! George: It's the same movie! What's the difference? Elaine: It's not a theater, it's like a room where they bring in POWs to show them propaganda films. Jerry: [to taxi driver] Take the Park! Buckles: No no no, take 55th. Buckles: Jerry, I want you to do me a favor. No more fish! Jerry: [rubbing his eyes hoping the nightmare will end] Okay, I get your point! Buckles: I had a point? George: Hey, you know what else is playing here? ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Elaine: Sigh/Ugh. George: I wouldn't mind seein' <that>. Elaine: Yeah. You know, men can sit through the most boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off. George: So what's your point? George: By the way, you owe me seven fifty. Elaine: Oh, all right. Can you break a twenty? George: No, I don't have any change. Elaine: Oh, well, then I'll pay you later. George: Or, I could take the twenty, then I could pay you later. Elaine: Yeah, you could... George: Might be easier. Elaine: I mean, how is that easier? I mean, then you would owe me twelve fifty instead of me owing you seven fifty. George: [trying to act as if he doesn't care one way or the other, but we know better] Either way. Elaine: Yeah. George: So... Can I have it? Elaine: I tell you what, I'll get the popcorn and the soda. George: Whaddya mean, you'll ``get'' the popcorn and the soda? Elaine: I will buy your popcorn and soda. We'll call it even. George: I tell you what, you give me the twenty, and I will buy you a popcorn and soda, and I'll throw in a bon-bons. Elaine: [exasperated] George, you're sappin' my strength. George: You go in and save seats. Elaine: [in a panic] Me!? But that's three seats! I can't save three seats! I told you about that guy who tore up my winter coat! Buckles: Jerry, I want you to have this piece of material. Jerry: That's very nice of you, but I can't do the voices. Buckles: Jerry! Don't start up with me! Jerry: I gotta get out of this cab... Buckles: But Jerry, quit riffing! Jerry: No, I'm not riffing. I'm ignoring! Do you understand the difference? Buckles: [pause] Can you help me get on The Tonight Show? Elaine: No, these are saved. Man: All of them? C'mon, you can't take four seats. Elaine: What, is that a rule? George: Well, why don't you go, and I could save the seats. You said you didn't like saving anyway. Elaine: [stopping someone from sitting in the seat next to her] No, TAKEN, Taken, taken. [to George] [shrugs] I'm getting the hang of it. George: Why don't you give me the twenty, and I'll stop and get change, and then you and I can... uh... you-know, settle. Elaine: Can we do this later, George? George: Psh. What's the point of even discussing it? [condescendingly takes her hand and pats it] You'll give me the money when you have it. [takes two steps, then reconsiders, then re-reconsiders] I, I trust you. Kramer: Could you do me a favor? If you see a guy that's five foot eleven, he's got uh a big head and flared nostrils, tell him his friend's going to be right back, okay? Elaine: No, I'm sorry, these are taken. ... They're in the lobby buying popcorn. ... What are you doing? These are taken, these are taken! Woman: Which one? Elaine: These two and this one. ... No! Don't come over here! These are taken. Go! Go! These are taken! They're taken! THEY'RE TAKEN!!! Elaine: Oh, take 'em. George: Um, excuse me, have you see a guy with like a horse face, big teeth, and a, and a pointed nose? Clerk: ... flared nostrils? George: Yeah. Clerk: Nope, haven't seen him. Buckles: Jerry, could you do me a personal favor? And if I'm out of line, please, let me know. Could I keep my trench coat in your closet for a few months? Jerry: Your trench coat in my closet? Buckles: Jerry, my closet is packed to the gills, I'm afraid to open the door. Just for a few months. It'll make all the difference in the world. Buckles: We should see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. I hear it's really hot. Jerry: No thanks, maybe some other time. Buckles: Really? Do you really mean that? Jerry: No, I don't. Buckles: You liked the athlete's foot bit, right? Jerry: No. No. I was kidding. It's terrible. Jerry: Hi, I got some friends inside, I gotta get a message to 'em. Mind if I walk through real quick? Usher: [indicates ``okay''] Kramer: Hey, did that guy show up? Clerk: The guy with the... horse face... and the big teeth... Kramer: No, the guy with the big head and the flared nostrils. Clerk: Haven't seen him. There was a short guy with glasses... Looked like Humpty-Dumpty with a melon hat. But he left. Woman: So I got home, and he was vacuuming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else but my Alan would do something like that? Woman: And then last night, he put on my high heels. Oh, he put on such a show for us! He was dancing around, lip-sync'ing to ``A Chorus Line'', I mean you can see he's got talent. Elaine: [annoyed] Excuse me, excuse me. Woman: What's the problem? Elaine: [momentarily shocked, as if the answer were self-evident] You're talking. Woman: It's the ``Coming Attractions''. Woman: So anyway, he sings, he dances. And do you know what he's gotten into now? He is cooking! He does a crepe... Usher: Ticket, sir? George: Uh, I just went out, I went to look for my friend? Usher: Do you have your stub? George: [as if the word were totally foreign] My `stub'? Usher: Mm hm. George: You don't remember me? Usher: It's a big city, sir. George: I went in with a pretty woman? You know, kinda short, big wall o' hair, face like a frying pan? George: [whispering] Elaine? [loud whisper] Elaine! [louder whisper] Elaine! George: [quite out loud, not even pretending to whisper] Elaine! Narrator: The Village Voice calls it a masterpiece. A young woman's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Narrator: It's a story about life. And love. And becoming a woman. ``Rochelle Rochelle'', now playing at Paradise 2. Elaine: Uh, could I have a medium Diet Coke? Clerk: Do you want the Medium size or the middle size? Elaine: What's the difference? Clerk: Well, we have three sizes. Medium, Large, and Jumbo. Elaine: [momentarily perplexed] What happened to the small? Clerk: There is no small. Small is Medium. Elaine: What's... medium? Clerk: Medium is Large, and large is Jumbo. Elaine: Oh-kay. Gimme the large. Clerk: That's medium. Elaine: Right. Yeah. [fearing the answer] Could I have a small popcorn? Clerk: There is no small. [flash of perky inspiration] Child-size is small. Elaine: What's `medium'? Clerk: Adult. Elaine: Do adults ever order the child-size? Clerk: [chuckling] Not usually. Elaine: [laughs appreciably] Okay, gimme the `adult'. Clerk: Do you want butter? Elaine: Is it real butter? Clerk: [perkily] It's butter-flavored! Elaine: [exasperated] What is it made of? Clerk: [perkily] It's yellow! Jerry: 44th and 9th. Driver: Have you got a cigarette? Jerry: No. Usher: Ticket, sir? George: We've just been through this! You don't remember? We just had this exact same conversation a minute ago! Usher: I need to see your stub. George: [realizing the only way out is to show the stub] I've got the stub. George: There you go, okay? That's my other friend's ticket. You happy now? You got two tickets. Usher: Ticket, sir? Kramer: Uh, no, see, my friend already bought me a ticket. I'm late, and she's inside. Usher: Go ahead. Kramer: Is that seat taken? Woman Behind Elaine: It's all yours. Driver: I'm very sorry, you give me few minutes. I have to stop for gasoline. Jerry: Gasoline? Can't you get it after you drop me off? Driver: [taken aback] No! Impossible! It is on `Empty'! Man: You're soaking wet. Who are you? Rochelle: My name is Rochelle, I'm from Milan. I'm supposed to visit my relatives in Minsk. Man: Here, stand by the fire. Take off those wet clothes, you'll catch cold. Rochelle: Oh, my hand's so cold, I can barely get these buttons open. Rochelle: Oh, that's much better. Much... Elaine: I just went to get popcorn... Ugh... [shakes more popcorn] I just went to get popcorn, okay? And and and somebody took my seat, and my coat is in there! Usher: There's a seat in the front row. Elaine: No no, I can't sit in the front row. Usher: Well, you're going to have to wait, then. Elaine: I can't stand around here for two hours! Usher: I could let you see ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Elaine: [heavy sarcasm] Oh. Thanks. Elaine: Oh, hey, listen, by the way, have you seen a tall... lanky... doofus, with a, with a bird-face and hair like the Bride of Frankenstein? Usher: Haven't seen him. % From His Pocket, Kramer Digs Into His Treasured Papaya King Hot Dog. Then Discovers The Source Of His Discomfort: He's sitting on a coat. Jerry: Hey, did I make it? Kernis: Sorry. Jerry: Oh, great. That's great. What a night. Announcer: Pat Buckles, ladies and gentlemen. Another round of applause for Pat Buckles! Jerry: You got my spot? Buckles: That athlete's foot bit killed! Jerry: Really... Buckles: Do you think I need to lose some weight? Jerry: Weight? Naw. Just need some more height. Jerry: My whole night's ruined. I didn't do any sets, didn't do any movies... Buckles: Come on, we can still catch most of ``Rochelle Rochelle''. Jerry: ``Rochelle Rochelle'', huh? Buckles: A young girl's strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Jerry: [his interest piqued] Minsk? Elaine: Oh, gimme a break! Jerry: Elaine? Elaine: Jerry! Jerry: Elaine! Voice: [whispered] Shut up. George: Jerry? Jerry: George? George: Elaine? Elaine: George! [waves hi] Jerry: Hey, where's Kramer? Voice: [whispered] Will you shut up? Elaine: I don't know. Does this movie stink or what! Jerry: Let's get outta here. [to Buckles] I'll see ya. Buckles: You're leaving? Jerry: Yeah. Buckles: [holding out his coat] Jerry, take the coat. Please. One month. Jerry: I don't want the coat. Buckles: Jerry! Call me when you get home so I know you're okay! George: [studying his jacket] Oh man! Look at this! I sat in gum. Oh, by the way, you owe me seven fifty. Jerry: I didn't even use the ticket! George: I still paid for it! Jerry: I only have a twenty. Elaine: That's my coat! Gimme that. Where did you get that? Kramer: It was on the seat... Elaine: YOU took my seat!? George: You uh owe me for the ticket. Kramer: Yeah, right... Elaine: What is that stain [on my coat]? Kramer: It's yellow mustard. [To George] Can you break a twenty? I Always Get Confused In The Movie Theater By The, By The Plot. It'S Embarrassing. It'S An Embarrassment To Have To Admit, But I'M The One That You See In The Parking Lot After The Movie Talking With His Friends, Going: ``Oh, you mean that was the same guy from the <beginning>... Ohhhhhhhhhh...'' Nobody will explain it to you. When you're in the theater, you can't find out. [whispering to imaginary friends seated around him] ``Why did they kill that guy?... Why did they kill him?... Who was that guy? What was the... I thought he was with them? Wasn't he with them? Why would they kill him if he was with them? Oh, he wasn't really with them... I thought he was with them. It's a good thing they killed him.''
Scene Description: Lunchtime at the South Park Elementary Cafeteria. Cartman: [walks in] Hey, everyone? Excuse me! [the other kids start to turn towards him] Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please? Everyone, listen up. [finally has everyone's attention] Listen everybody, I uh... I owe Kyle a big apology and I... I wanna do it in fromt of everyone because... ugh... I was wrong, Kyle. Kyle: About what?! Cartman: I'm afraid that... Kyle and I got into a little disagreement yesterday. Yeah, yeah it's... pretty nasty. And um, I was totally wrong and you were right, Kyle. I thought only humans could be gingers. Is Davin here? Davin Miller? [a ginger boy with dark red hair leans to his left for a better view] Oh yeah, there you are. I own an apology to you too, Davin. When Kyle said that humans weren't the only species that can have light skin and freckles I totally laughed in his face. But it turns out Kyle was right: there are other animals that can be ginger as well I didn't believe it. I guess I didn't want to believe it, but this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow and I owe you, Kyle, and you, Davin, my sincerest apology. Craig: Where did you find a red-haired cow? Cartman: [crosses his right arm over his chest and points to the doors behind his left shoulder] Oh would you- Would you guys like to see it? Scene Description: a pasture, nearby. The class walks towards a pasture near the school. Cartman climbs to the top of the fence. Stan and Clyde pop their heads into the pasture for a better look. Kevin, and Kenny join Cartman on the second rung. The other kids stand behind the first rung. Cartman: There! There it is right there, see? A red-headed cow. [The camera turns right and stops at a cow with a Jewfro, glasses, a freckled face, and huge red polka dots on her body. Cartman laughs at his cleverness] Butters: Whoa, look at it! Cartman: [giggling to himself] You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow. I shall never question your keen intellect again! Craig: [takes out his phone and starts taking pictures] Wow, that's pretty trippy. Cartman: Yes! Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it! [Butters and Kevin take their phones out...] I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature! [Jimmy takes out his phone...] Kyle: Alright, Cartman, joke's over. [Kenny takes out his phone] Cartman: What? What joke? This is real! Kyle: Tell everyone you made the cow look like that! Cartman: No, [drops down to the ground] no, you were right, Kyle. I was wrong. Butters: Boy Eric, I sure do admire your courage to admit when you made a mistake. Cartman: Thank you, Butters! [laughs to himself] Craig: I gotta show this to my mom! [leaves, and the other kids disperse] Butters: Let's go get the kindergartners. Uh they're gonna wanna see this too! [leaves. Only Kyle remains with Cartman] Cartman: Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. It's really amazing. Heheh, too good, too too good. Kyle: Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences. Cartman: Yes, you're right, Kyle. I'm sure that that... is going to have earth-shattering consequences. Heheheheh. [walks away] Scene Description: A montage of three news reports. The first one is from Al Aziz Network, where one of the news team members browses the Web for news. He's reading reports in various languages - Korean, then French. The French report gets his attention, "اه! این چیه؟" (Eh! What is this?) he calls some colleagues over and says ".اینجا رو نگاه کن! اوه، اینجا رو نگاه کن! می‌گه یه گاو ماده‌ی قرمز دیده شده" (Take a look! Hey, take a look! Says a red heifer was found.) His colleague asks him "کجا این گاو قرمز ماده دیده شده؟" (Where was this red heifer found?) He replies with "این یعنی چی؟" (What does this mean?) when his colleague says "!زود باش! زود باش! ما اینو باید همین الان خبر بدیم" (Quick, quick! We gotta go public with this right away.) The scene changes to a broadcast with a voice-over ".هم‌اکنون اخبار را برای گزارش مخصوصی موقتا قطع می‌کنیم" (We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.) with a text on the screen which reads "اخبار دنیای ایرانی" meaning Persian World News with an Iranian news anchor reporting an irrelevant story ".مجلس مالزی منحل شد. مجلس این کشور را منحل اعلام کرد تا زمینه را برای انتخابات آماده سازد" (Malaysian parliament dissolved. The Parliament announced the dissolution of the country to set the stage for early elections.) He then reaches for a pistol under his desk and blows his brains out. Next are two Swahili reports covering the same report. The female reporter uses a pistol blows her brains out first, then the male reporter. The last scene has a Japanese reporter covering the report, but he has a dagger ready for seppuku. As he reports, he performs the seppuku, dying just as he ends the report. A colleague comes up and chops his head off with a katana, then uses a pistol to blow his own brains out. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Room 7. The kids are in their seats, and the PA system comes on. Mr. Mackey: Your attention, please. Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office? Kyle: Huh? Mr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office. Please. Umkay? Butters: Hohoh! What'd you do, Kyle? Kyle: Nothing. [hops off his chair to leave the classroom] Butters: Busted! Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Kyle enters and closes the door, but notices three rabbis to his left. Mr. Mackey: Ah, thanks for comin', Kyle. Kyle: Wuwhat's going on? Principal Victoria: Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator. Kyle: [glances at the rabbis again] I don't speak Hebrew. Mr. Mackey: Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important. [to the rabbis, in bad English] This.. boy... uhkay... is Jew. Uhkay? Jew... like you. Uhkay? Please... uh, please try... speak... to Jew.[Kyle looks at the rabbis] Rabbi 1: [sighs] We're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business. [Kyle looks back at Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey: Anything? Kyle: He said they come on urgent business. Principal Victoria: Ohh, what does he need? Rabbi 2: Look, we believe that this school has something which is of the utmost importance to our people! We wish to see the red cow! Kyle: The red- Oh come on, you can't possibly be here for that! Principal Victoria: For what? What did he say, Kyle? Rabbi 1: Please, you must understand! The fate of the world is at stake! [walks to his right and walks over to the window] The coming of a red heifer is the nost holy sign in all of Judaism. It signals the beginning of the End. It is not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well. They all agree on one thing. [turns around] That the red heifer means the End of Times. Mr. Mackey: You catch any of that, Kyle? [Kyle looks at Mr. Mackey in disbelief] Scene Description: The pasture, moments later. Kyle leads the rabbis, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey to the cow. Kyle: It's right over here by uh- Rabbi 2: Oh my holy shmear! [a group of Muslims is already bowing down to the cow. One of them notices him and tells him to get out. (!برو بیرون)] Rabbi 2: The Muslims! They beat us here! [hops the fence and charges at them. The other two follow suit.] Mr. Mackey: [frantic] What's goin' on, Kyle?? Kyle: He said the Muslims beat them here- [to himself] God damn it! Rabbi 2: [arrives next to the cow] Step away! You all know what this means! Cleric 1: Yes! And you know you are about to die! Kyle: Hold on everybody. This thing isn't even a- Rabbi 1: Don't touch it! [they all surround the cow, keeping Kyle and each other away from it] Scene Description: Some hours later, the police have arrived and cordoned off the cow, and put up barriers further out to keep everyone away from it. The growing crowd begins to clamor Cartman: [to a reporter] Well I just ran to the school and told everyone, "Hey, there's a redheaded cow outside; you should all see it." Kyle: [trying to reach Cartman, but trapped by the crowd] Cartman, stop! You don't know what you're doing! Cartman: I'm pretty sure that this cow could make ginger cheese, which is like a Swiss cheese, except instead of holes, it has freckles. [chuckles loudly] Kyle: NOOOO! Rabbi 4: [arrives with a sheet of paper, and Rabbi 2 looks at it] The Muslims and the Christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war. Rabbi 2: Very well, let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends. Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day. Rabbi 1: Alright, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons. Cleric 2: If there can be no chemical weapons, then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons. [clamoring follows] Bishop: Come on, without nuclear weapons, what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?! [clamoring follows] Rabbi 3: But couldn't we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only? Bishop: Yeah, I suppose that's fine. Cleric 2: That makes sense. Rabbi 1: Non-ballistic nuclear only. Alright. Now on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations? Israeli: Of course we are! What do you think this is?! Others: Yeah, come on! Just get to it! Cleric 3: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Has anyone noticed something? We are all in a room together. Talking. [walks to the front of the crowd] Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together? Bishop: [walks up to him] The prophecy says the red heifer signals the End. [joins him] Could it mean the end of... war? Rabbi 1: If the cow is sacrificed in Israel according to the prophecy, then perhaps it could bring about peace. Scene Description: Jerusalem, day. a wonderful view of the city. A helicopter comes into view with the ginger cow dangling from it. It arrives at the Temple and hovers over it. A few second later, the sling holding the cow is released and the cow falls onto the roof of the temple, dying on impact. The crows looks at the helicopter leave and then cheers Scene Description: Anderson Cooper 360 news segment Anderson Cooper: After all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace... in the Middle East. In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims, and Christians have met in Israel to sort out their differences. It may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real. And all because of a red cow, discovered by a young boy here in the U.S. [the doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it]We'll be back with more on these amazing developments after this. [Kyle opens the door and sees that it's Cartman] Cartman: Hey Kyle. Y-you got a minute? Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman enters and Kyle closes the door] Cartman: I've gotta tell you something, Kyle. The red-headed cow... isn't real. I made him up. Kyle: No shit! Cartman: I totally lied, Kyle. And when you asked me if I had lied, I looked you right in the eye and said "No." I owe you an apology and, I mean it. Kyle: Well it-... it's okay. there's no denying it all worked out for the best this time a-. Cartman: [shakes his head] No! No, Kyle, you said that it's never for the best. Remember that? And you're right. You're right, Kyle! Kyle: Oh no. Nohoho no. Cartman, don't you do this! The Middle East is finally at peace! Cartman: But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious. I really think I have to tell the truth! I I don't know how I can live with this. I don't think I can unless eh, unless I don't know mm-maybe you c-called your mom a fat skank? [no reply] Maybe if you'd said that to your mom and... told her that her tits belonged in a morgue, then, maybe somehow I could live with this lie. Kyle: Dude, go to Hell! Cartman: You're right. You're right, Kyle. I should just tell the truth and be done with it! [picks up the house phone and starts punching] Kyle: Wwwait. [Cartman stops] Scene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle and Cartman enter Kyle: Mom? Sheila: Hi bubbe. Kyle: Mom, there's sssomething I need to tttell you. Sheila: What is it, Kyle? Kyle: [looks down and to his right] You're a fat skank, Mom. [shuts his eyes. Sheila is shocked] Cartman: [gasps loudly] Kyle! Oh my gosh, what did you just say?? Kyle: You're a fat skank, Mom, and your tits belong in a morgue. [turns and walks out. Cartman's jaw drops.] Cartman: Ohh my God! [whips out his camera phone and feigns concern] Ms. Broflovski, are you okay? Does he always talk to you like that? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman walks down the hallway, with Kyle trailing him, carrying his backpack and books Cartman: [reaching his locker] Yeah, come on over here. I got some more stuff in my locker, Kyle. [opens his locker and puts a book on top of the stack. Stan, at his neighboring locker, notices] Stan: How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff? Kyle: I just... thought it'd be nice. Cartman: [puts another book on the stack] Kyle is doing all kinds of things for me. He finished my homework, [puts a third book on the stack] gave me the soda from his lunch. [removes the second and third books he just placed on the stack] I think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the Middle East. [places the third book back on the stack] Right, Kyle? [puts the second book back in the locker] Kyle: Yes sir. Cartman: Oh, looks like most everyone's here. Um, wasn't there something you wanted to say, Kyle? Remember about the...? Kyle: Yes. [sets Cartman's books and backpack on the floor, then walks to the middle of the hallway] I love Cartman's farts. Cartman: You what?? Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy I want Cartman's farts in my tummy. Craig: Dude, what the hell are you talking about? Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy can I please Cartman's farts in my tummy? Cartman: [walks up to him] Okay okay Jesus, uh, lay down on your back, Kyle. [Kyle does so, and Cartman backs up onto Kyle's face] Let's see what I can muster up here. Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy. Cartman: Let's see. Oh! Oh! [farts, then gets off Kyle] Kyle: [stands up] Yummy yummy thank you Cartman. [turns around and walks away. Cartman smiles. Stan and Kenny can't believe it] Stan: [enunciating] What the fuck? Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Someone knocks on his door Mr. Mackey: Come on in. Kyle: [opens the door and walks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you? Mr. Mackey: Wuh sure, Kyle. What's the matter? Kyle: If you knew something, but, you couldn't tell anyone, what... what would you do? Mr. Mackey: Well, Kyle, living with a lie is never a good thing. Okay. Could... could you maybe just tell me? Kyle: [rubs his tears away] Okay okay... I love having Cartman's farts in my tummy. I love it. [Cartman sneaks a peek around the open door] I love it sooo sooo much. Mr. Mackey: Well... why do you like his farts in your tummy? Kyle: Because they taste so yummy. [his voice quivers, Cartman giggles from behind the door] Mr. Mackey: Well Kyle, that's kind of odd. Uh, not sure how to help you with that. Cartman: [enters and clears his throat] Oh, Mr. Mackey, could I-Oh, uhhh. Hey, sorry, am I interrupting? Kyle: Not if you... have some delicious farts for me. Cartman: [small gasp] Kyle, are you sure? Kyle: Please... Cartman: Well alright. [farts into his left hand and cups it over Kyle's mouth, making sure the fart goes all the way in.] Kyle: Yummy yummy. Mr. Mackey: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. a huge crowd of people from all three Faiths of the Book cheers as a cleric, a rabbi, and a bishop sit at table onstage. Each has a symbol of his faith with him - the cleric has a cow bell, the rabbi has a candle, and the bishop has a chalice Bishop: Today... begins the new Israel. [the cleric lifts up a cow bell and rings it, then sets it down] Today, we are all united as one. [the rabbi lights the candle] Chakam balada. Crowd: Chakam balada! Chakam balada! [followed by lots of cheering] Rabbi 3: Now, let us celebrate under one symbol! [the clergy go their separate ways and the table sinks into the stage. After several peals of the bell, the floot the table was on returns to the stage as the three religious symbols combine to form... the Van Halen logo. Van Halen's music comes on and the stage lights go on. Eddie Van Halen takes the stage, followed by the rest of Van Halen, with David Lee Roth on mic] Rabbi: No way no waaay! Muslim: Epiiic! David Lee Roth: Hello Israel! [launches into "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love"] CNN Reporter: The party is officially underway. Jews, Christians and Muslims have united, ushering ten years of Van Halen. [archived live footage follows] Out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before. [nineteen seconds of footage and song follow] No doubt Israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, tortured. His eyes are closed Stan: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Hey Stan: Kyle, there's peace in the Middle East. They're saying maybe it's gonna lead to peace all over the world. Everyone's really happy. You should be too. Kyle: I am happy, Stan. I'm thrilled. Stan: ...Dude, we've been friends a long time. Can you just tell me why you like Cartman's farts so much? Kyle: [gets emotional] I just do, Stan. Stan: You like... how they smell? How they taste? Kyle: Yes. Stan: They're really that good? Kyle: Yes. Stan: Should I try them? Kyle: NO. Ringtone: Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Kyle: This is Cartman. I have to take it. [answers his phone] Hello? Cartman: Hey, I was just about to order some dinner. What sounds better in your mouth tomorrow? Thai or Greek? Kyle: [keeping quite calm] I don't care. Cartman: I care, Kyle. You should have a say in this; they're your yummy farts. Should we go with Thai? Kyle: That's fine. [hangs up] Stan: ...Kyle, maybe you should get some help. Kyle: Please, just, just leave it alone, Stan. Everything is as it has to be. Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door Stan: I don't get it, Kenny. Kenny: (Dude, maybe he's like mentally ill or something) Stan: Well whatever it is, we have to figure it out. I think all those farts are starting to get to Kyle's head. Scene Description: That night, Kyle is tossing and turning in his bed Kyle: No more. No more. Oh, come on, Cartman, no. No more. [begins to reject Cartman's farts in his dreams. A bright light appears and Kyle wakes up, then looks at the foot of his bed] God: Kyle Broflovski. Kyle: Huh? Who...? Who is that? God: Why do you endure all the farts, Kyle? Kyle: I... because the world is at peace. I must endure. God: What you are doing... is the most awesome thing ever. Kyle: I... I know. God: Who else would take such torment? Kyle: That's, that that's k-kind of what I was thinking. God: You should like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. Your sacrifice saves the world. Kyle: Yes. Scene Description: Bathroom, next day. Kyle shaves all his hair off Kyle: I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity. Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. During vespers, "Hot For Teacher" begins to play CNN Reporter: [now in party mode - shirtless and with face paint on] What can this reporter say except that Israel freaking rocks! Things just keep getting better here, Tom. And in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow, here on stage, and things are gonna go off! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway, Kyle, now bald, is laying on the floor as Cartman sits on him again, trying to fart Cartman: You're gonna... come with me... to Israel, Kyle? [three quick farts] Kyle: Yes! Yes I will! Cartman: Huh? You comin'? [three more quick ones] Kyle: Yes, whatever you want. [a longer fart] Cartman: Okay. I want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. Plane leaves tomorrow. [leaves, screen right. Kyle stands up] Stan: Kyle, don't do this. Don't eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world. Butters: Just stop, please. Kyle: [dressed in gray pants and white tunic, no footwear] It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. Perhaps one day, you will all understand. What I do, I do because I care about each and every one of you. [walks away, screen left] Craig: Well now he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole. Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, meditating. His eyes are open Stan: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Hello, Stan. Stan: Um, dude, we need to talk. This has to stop. Kyle: There are greater things at work than what you understand. Stan: If you wanna suck farts, Kyle, that's fine. Go ahead. But you can't suck farts and be a dick about it. Kyle: I'm actually the complete opposite. Stan: All of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else! Kyle: I'm not better, I'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place. Stan: See? You sound like a dick. Kyle: [thinks a bit] I happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own! Stan: Dick! That's a dick talking! You've had too much of Cartman's farts and you got sulphur poisoning, and now you're a dick. Kyle: All you need to know is I'm way awesomer than you think, okay?! Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door Stan: I don't think Kyle really loves Cartman's farts. There's something else going on. Kenny: (Huh? Like what?) Stan: This all started with the stupid peace in the Middle East, Kenny. For some reason it's making Kyle crazy. We've gotta get to the bottom of this! Scene Description: Jerusalem, eve, two days later. Van Halen finishes a song, and Rabbi 1 is at the podium Rabbi 1: And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all this happen, Eric Cartman, and his best friend, Fartboy. [Cartman and Kyle come out onstage to great applause. The rabbi gives Cartman the mic] Cartman: Thank you everyone. It's my honor to have been a part of this... miracle. Isn't that right, Fartboy? Kyle: Could I please one of your piping-hot farts in my mouth? Cartman: Are you sure, Fartboy? I've had a lot of strange food on this trip. Kyle: Yummy yummy I want your farts in my tummy. Rabbi 1: Uh excuse me, I'm sorry everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the United States. Scene Description: A satellite feed appears, with a reporter, Stan, and Kenny. Reporter: We are in Colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently, two boys have shocking news that might change everything. Stan: Yes, there's something that you all need to know. The truth about the red cow. We have all been [Stan's phone rings] So- sorry, hang on. [pulls the phone out of his jacket pocket and answers it.] Hello? Kyle: Dude! Do not do this! Stan: No, dude, you don't understand. Cartman hasn't been telling the truth! Kyle: Yes, I know that! Why do you think I've been putting up with his farts?! Stan: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Muslim 2: "Oh" what? [an Israeli throws up his hands in a shrug] Kyle: I know Cartman made it all up, okay?! I also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the Middle East! I'm okay with this, Stan! Stan: Well, I'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, Kyle! Kyle: I'm not a dick, I'm like Gandhi! Stan: You know, I don't think when Gandhi starved himself he was all "Dude, look how fuckin' awesome I am for starving. Check me out!" Kyle: Okay, okay. Stan, you're right. Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head. Just please, let me stay on this path, and, I'll try to be cool about it. Okay? I'm sorry. Stan: You should apologize to Kenny too. Kyle: I'm sorry, Kenny! Kenny: (That's okay, Kyle.) Rabbi 1: No, what is the new information?! Stan: The red cow... I saw it too. Ih it came down from the sky in a flash of light. It was a miracle. Kyle: Hurray! Rabbi 1: Oh no, it was a miracle? Israeli 2: Then, it's not true. The prophecy is not true! [rounds of disappointment as everyone starts leaving] David Lee Roth: Wait, I thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow! Rabbi 5: No, the prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger, not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky. [Kyle is stunned that Cartman fulfilled that prophecy] Muslim 2: I knew this was all too good to be true! Bishop: We are associating with these heathens for no reason! Cartman: Small penis?! Scene Description: News break Anchor: The party's over. Muslims, Jews, and Christians are back at each other's throats, and Israel is once again a place of conflict, and turmoil Scene Description: A synagogue, day. Kyle is pleading his case with the rabbis Kyle: Please, you have to listen to me! The prophecy actually did come true! Rabbi 3: No it di'n't. Kyle: Yes! It did! Rabbi 1: The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. We should have known a prophecy like this... was too impossible to ever come to be. Kyle: But that is what happened! It is! Tell them, Cartman! Cartman: No, Kyle, you were right. I see now that little lies can cause huge problems. Kyle: But it's the truth! Cartman: No, it's not, Kyle. I have a huge dick. Rabbi 1: Sorry boys, but we've gotta get to our fight. There's a rumble at the Wailing Wall. [brings out a switchblade. Rabbi 2 has a shot gun, while rabbi 3 carries a bat]. They leave, and Kyle turns around Kyle: Ssso it was all for nothing. The whole time I was... eating farts for nothing. Cartman: Cheer up, Kyle. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. Hey. How about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up? [puts his hand on his ass and farts on it, then puts whipped cream on it, with a cherry on top, and smothers it on Kyle's face. He then walks away. A few seconds later, the cherry falls off]
Emh: In the beginning there is darkness. The emptiness of a matrix waiting for the light. Then, a single photon flares into existence, then another, and soon thousands more. Optronic pathways connect, subroutines emerge from the chaos, and a holographic consciousness is born. Emh: I awaken into this world fully programmed yet completely innocent, unaware of the hardships I'll endure or the great potential I will one day fulfill. (The hologram sits at a desk, picks up a quill pen and starts writing in a blank book. Emh: Computer, save revisions and open chapter one. Janeway: Captain's log, stardate 54732.3. It's been three weeks since we received Starfleet's instructions in the last datastream and we're finally ready to begin Operation Watson. We're all holding our breath. Kim: The deflector's in position. Janeway: Anything? Kim: I'm picking up a phased tachyon beam. Seven: There's triaxialating signal encoded in it. Janeway: On screen. Barclay: Voyager, this Lieutenant Barclay at Starfleet Command. Are you receiving this? Janeway: Can you clear it up? Kim: I'm on it. Admiral Paris: Captain Janeway, it's a pleasure to finally talk to you in person. Janeway: The pleasure's mine, Admiral. How's the weather in San Francisco? Admiral Paris: Cold and rainy as usual. Janeway: It sounds delightful. Lieutenant Barclay, my congratulations on establishing the first trans-galactic comm. link. You've earned a place in the history books. Barclay: I can't take all of the credit, Captain. It was Harry and Seven who suggested bouncing a tachyon beam off of the quantum singularity. Kim: Just be sure to thank us when you accept the Daystrom prize. Admiral Paris: I wish we had more time for small talk but the singularity only stays in alignment for eleven minutes a day. Janeway: Eleven minutes are better than none, Admiral. We appreciate all your work, Reg. Admiral Paris: We're going to leave it up to you to determine how to allocate the comm. time. Barclay: Admiral, er, there was something else. Admiral Paris: Oh, yes. Mister Barclay has arranged a small gift for you and your crew. Barclay: This is a live image from McKinley Station. Not too much cloud cover over North America today. Janeway: Quite a view. Thank you, Reg. Neelix: In my hat I hold one hundred and forty six sequentially numbered isolinear chips, one for every member of the crew. Each chip entitles the bearer to three minutes of uninterrupted comm. time with his loved ones back in the Alpha Quadrant. Good luck. Kim: My Mom's birthday is next week. This could be the best present I ever gave her. Who's everyone else calling? Chakotay: I'll be calling my sister. What about you, Captain? Janeway: My mother, I hope. Emh: Doesn't anyone want to know who I'm calling? Paris: Wait, wait, let me guess. Reg Barclay or Doctor Zimmerman. Emh: What makes you so certain it's either of them? Paris: Number six. Neelix: That's the lowest one yet. You'll be talking to your family the day after tomorrow. Kim: One hundred thirty. That's about a month and a half from now. So much for Mom's birthday. Emh: Apparently, the line forms here. Tuvok: Congratulations. Kim: Doc, how about a trade? I'm willing to throw in some holodeck time. Come on. It would mean a lot to my mother. Emh: I wish I could help, but I have a very important call to make. Paris: Here, give your mom my best. Kim: Are you sure? Paris: I've waited this long. What's another six weeks? 0Broht: I can hear the critics already. A new voice has arrived. You could be the next K'Ratak or a modern-day Tolstoy. I'd like to start distribution by the end of the month. Emh: The material I sent was only a working draft. I need time to make revisions. Broht: If you insist, but please do it quickly. Emh: I will. So tell me, what did you think of the characters? Broht: Oh, they're very real. Compelling. I almost forgot they were holograms. Emh: Who was your favorite? Broht: Without a doubt, that would have to be Lieutenant Emh: What happened? Seven: Your time has expired. Emh: You could have let the man finish his sentence. Seven: I believe your ego has received enough stroking for one day. Paris: So how's Reg? Emh: I'll have you know I was speaking with Ardon Broht, of Broht and Forrester. Paris: The publishers of the Dixon Hill series? Emh: Who are now about to publish my work. It seems you're not the only one aboard with a flair for holographic narratives. Paris: Congratulations. Emh: Thank you. Paris: So. what's it about? Emh: The adventures of an intrepid doctor. Paris: Oh, sounds like fun. You know, I've never thought about trying to get my work published. Maybe I could talk to your people about Captain Proton. Emh: Broht and Forrester deals in sophisticated literature. Paris: What are you saying, that I'm low brow? Emh: Not at all. I'd be delighted to talk to them. Paris: Thanks. So, when do I get to see this opus? Emh: Well, it's not ready yet. Paris: It was ready enough for Broht and Forrester. Emh: Maybe it could use a fresh pair of eyes. After all, you are a fellow author. I'll cover the rest of your shift. Paris: Oh, I almost forgot. What's it called? Emh: Photons Be Free. Paris: Catchy. Emh: I awaken into this world fully programmed, yet completely innocent unaware of the hardships I'll endure or the great potential I will one day fulfill. NARRATOR- Emh: Ah, welcome. You've made an excellent choice. You're about to take part in a thrilling first person narrative. You will take on the role of an Emergency Medical Hologram, the Chief Medical Officer aboard the starship Vortex. Paris: Vortex? NARRATOR- Emh: As our story begins, an anomaly has hurled your ship thousands of light years across the galaxy. Your mission, to uphold your medical and ethical standards as you struggle against the crew's bigotry and intolerance. Persons with vascular disorders should consult a physician before running this program. And now, a few acknowledgments. First, Doctor Lewis Zimmerman, the creator of my holo-matrix, whose foresight and dedication have made it possible for me to achieve Paris: Computer, freeze program. How much longer is this introduction? Computer: Nine minutes, four seconds. Paris: Skip to the first chapter. Emh: Chapter one. A Healer Is Born. In which our protagonist must make a difficult choice. Crewman: Are you the EMH? Paris: Please state the nature of the medical emergency. Crewman: Our doctor's dead. We've got wounded. They're both badly hurt. Who should we treat first? Paris: Second degree plasma burns. He's got an aortic rupture. Get him to the surgical bay now. Katanay: You. Over here. Paris: Nice mustache. Katanay: What? Paris: Nothing. He's got a mild concussion. I'm going to have to treat the others first. Katanay: I need Lieutenant Marseilles on the bridge. You'll treat him now. Paris: As I understand it my job is to treat the critical patients first. So, if you'll excuse me Katanay: I don't know who you think you are, hologram, but to me, you're just another piece of technology. Paris: Well, apparently, I'm a piece of technology that's in demand so why don't you go back to the bridge and let me do my job? Jenkins: What's going on here? Katanay: Our medical hologram is refusing to treat Mister Marseilles. Jenkins: Are you malfunctioning? Paris: I don't think so. Jenkins: I need my helmsman back at his station. Paris: Lieutenant Marseilles isn't seriously hurt. This man will be dead in five minutes if I don't operate. Jenkins: Drop the force field. Jenkins: That patient is dead. Now you're free to treat Lieutenant Marseilles. Paris: Then the captain pulls out a phaser and shoots him right there on the biobed. Kim: Captain Janeway murders a crewman? Paris: Captain Jenkins. Everybody has a different name. You're Kymble, you're Torrey and I am Lieutenant Marseilles. Torres: Oh, now that's creative. Kim: What did you say to the Doctor? Paris: He thinks he's written a masterpiece. I didn't know what to tell him. Kim: If this gets distributed, people are going to assume this is about us. What are our families going to think? Torres: This is a Starfleet ship. No one will believe we actually go around shooting injured crewmen. Paris: People may not take the program literally, but they might wonder if there's some truth to it. I think we should talk to the captain. Torres: Are you sure you're not taking this a little personally? Paris: What do you mean? Torres: Well, the holodeck always has been your domain. Paris: You think I'm jealous? Okay, maybe I am overreacting. Why don't the rest of you try the program and decide for yourselves? Emh: Chapter five. Out of the frying pan. In which our protagonist must confront abusive colleagues. Crewwoman: I'm here for my physical. Torres: Why don't you have a seat over here? Marseilles: Doctor, you better get down to Engineering. Torres: What's wrong? Marseilles: A plasma conduit just exploded. At least ten people are hurt. Marseilles: Hey genius, Forgetting something? Your mobile emitter. Torres: Oh, right. I don't see it. Torres: That's my mobile emitter? Torres: This thing must weigh fifty kilos. MARSEILLES- Paris: You should be glad we let you out of your cage at all. Now get going. Torrey: I'm impressed. Engineer: Really? Torrey: Absolutely. I haven't seen a dilithium matrix this far out of alignment since I served aboard a Ferengi garbage scow. I'll fix it myself. Torres: Excuse me. Torrey: How many times have I told you? Engineering is off limits to holograms. Torres: Maybe you should waive that restriction during emergencies. A plasma conduit exploded? Torrey: Does it look like anyone here is covered with plasma burns? Torres: Lieutenant Paris, er, Marseilles told me there was an accident. Torrey: Looks like your auditory subroutines are malfunctioning, again. I'm surprised a matrix as primitive as yours can function at all. Torres: Maybe you should be a little nicer to your shipmates. You never know when you might need their help. Torrey: Let's get one thing straight. You're not one of my shipmates. You're a tool, like this hyperspanner. And tools can be replaced. So why don't you go back to Sickbay before I start doing a little reprogramming? Torres: Computer, lights. Marseilles: Didn't I tell you to go to Engineering? Torres: Oh, I get it. Interesting plot twist. You get me out of Sickbay so you're free to give my patient a tonsillectomy. Marseilles: If you even think about mentioning this to my wife, I will purge your memory buffer. Do we understand each other? Crewwoman 2: I'm here for my physical? Emh: Chapter six. Duel in the Ready room. In which our protagonist faces an inquisition. Jenkins: This time, you've gone too far. Neelix: Captain, I'm not sure what you mean. Jenkins: An inventory of your holo-matrix. Fifty gigaquads of memory devoted to music. Forty two for daydreams. Another ten to expand your sexuality. Neelix: I had no idea holograms could do that. Jenkins: These extracurricular subroutines don't belong as part of an Emergency Medical Hologram. Do you have anything to say for yourself? Neelix: Er, of course I do. I don't think these subroutines are trivial, Captain. They help make me a better doctor and a better person. Jenkins: But you're not a person. You may be programmed to look and act human, but that doesn't make you one. These subroutines are going to be deleted immediately. Mister Tulak. Jenkins: Take the EMH to the holo-lab for reprogramming. Emh: Chapter Seven. The Escape. In which our protagonist is aided by his only ally. Kymble: I'm not sure we should be doing this, Commander. Kim: Listen to him. He knows what he's talking about. Kymble: Quiet! I'm not talking to you. If we start tinkering with his matrix how do we know we won't accidentally delete some of his diagnostic subroutines? Tulak: You afraid you'll catch something on your next away mission, Ensign? Kymble: There must be millions of viruses in this quadrant that no one's ever encountered before. With my luck, I'll probably end up catching half of them. Kim: Great, my character's a hypochondriac. Three: I'll escort the prisoner from here. Tulak: Our orders are to take him to the holo-lab. Three: I've been ordered to perform the procedure. Tulak: Your sympathies for the EMH are no secret, Three of Eight. Step aside. Three: Run, Doctor! Jenkins: I've tried to do this the easy way, but it's clear you're not going to be reasonable. Your matrix will be decompiled and reinitialized. You'll remain offline except for emergencies. Torrey: Ready. Jenkins: Do it. Three: Wait. He has the right to expand his program. Jenkins: He's a piece of technology. He has no rights. Three: But he should. One day, the EMH and others like him will be recognized for what they are. Intelligent individuals with a passion for life. Make no mistake, Captain. We may be thousands of light years from home, but one day people will learn of the crime you're committing here today. Jenkins: Nice speech. Now decompile the program. Emh: What you've experienced, dear protagonist is a work of fiction. But like all fiction, it has elements of truth. I hope you now have a better understanding of the struggles holograms must endure in a world controlled by organics. Computer: End of program. Janeway: Janeway to the Doctor. Report to my ready room now. Emh: How many times do you want me to say it? My work is not about the Voyager crew. Kim: Come on. Ensign Kymble? Lieutenant Marseilles? Torres: The characters look almost exactly like us. Emh: I used your physical parameters as a starting point, but I assure you any further similarities are purely coincidental. Paris: You set your story on a starship lost in the Delta Quadrant. Emh: What would you have me write about? Palace intrigue on the Klingon homeworld? I do what all good novelists do. I write what I know. Kim: So it is about Voyager. Emh: No! The Vortex characters are larger than life. They're nothing like our crew. As far as I know, Captain, you haven't executed any of my patients. Janeway: Doctor, you've written a very imaginative story, but it's conceivable that people will think it's based on fact. Emh: I don't see how. Kim: How many holograms carry mobile emitters? Emh: The emitter in my story is nothing like the real one. Torres: Yeah, what was the point of that? It was like carrying around a small shuttlecraft. Emh: It's a metaphor. A symbol of the burdens that I live with every day. Imagine having to take this everywhere you go. It would be a constant reminder that you're different from everyone else. I wanted the player to feel the weight of it. Literally. Janeway: Your emitter isn't a ball and chain. It liberates you. Emh: It doesn't always feel that way. Janeway: If I didn't know better, I'd think this story was written by someone who feels oppressed. Is that how you see yourself, Doctor? Emh: Of course not. The real victims are my brothers in the Alpha Quadrant. Torres: Brothers? Emh: Hundreds of EMH mark ones. Identical to me in every respect except, they've been condemned to a menial existence. Scrubbing conduits, mining dilithium. There's a long history of writers drawing attention to the plight of the oppressed. The Vedek's Song, for example tells the story of the occupation of Bajor. Janeway: I understand you have your reasons for writing this, but you should consider how it's going to make your friends feel. Emh: I'm sorry my work offends you. But if the price of expressing myself is having to suffer the scorn of a few colleagues, so be it. Kim: You're very popular with my eighth graders. It's all they ever talk about. Voyager this, Voyager that. John Kim: Your mother has a small favor to ask of you. Kim: Name it. Mary Kim: I was hoping you could record a short presentation about what it's like to command a starship. Kim: But I don't command a starship. Mary Kim: In your letters you said the captain puts you in charge sometimes. Kim: What I said was I'm in command of the night shift, twice a week. Mary Kim: She must think very highly of you to give you so much responsibility. John Kim: So when is she giving you a promotion? Kim: It's a small ship. There are only so many command positions available. Mary Kim: This Captain Janeway sounds like a lovely woman. Maybe I should write her. Kim: Mom! Mary Kim: She needs to know how hard you work. Kim: Please, don't get involved. Mary Kim: Harry, I can't hear you. Seven: A solar flare is scattering the beam. Mary Kim: Tell Captain Janeway to expect a letter from me. Kim: Mom, don't send anything to the captain, do you hear me? Try boosting the deflector output. Seven: It's already at maximum. Kim: Argh! I don't believe this. I had a minute and a half left. Seven: You'll have another opportunity to speak with them in approximately two months. Kim: You just don't get it, do you? Seven: No. Kim: Maybe if you had family you were close to, you'd feel a little differently. Chief Medical Officer's personal log, stardate 54740.8. Although the decision has made me unpopular with the crew, I've decided not to compromise my work. I'm making some final revisions to the program before transmitting it. Emh: Computer, run EMH program Photons Be Free. NARRATOR- Paris: Welcome. You've made an excellent choice. You're obviously a person with impeccable taste. Emh: Computer, freeze program. Computer: Unable to comply. NARRATOR- Paris: You are about to embark on a remarkable journey. You will take on the role of a medical assistant aboard the starship Voyeur. Emh: Voyeur? NARRATOR- Paris: Your job will be to assist the Chief Medical Officer, and learn to tolerate his overbearing behavior and obnoxious bedside manner. Remember, patience is a virtue. Paris: Chapter one. It's The Doctor's World, You're Just Living In It. HOLO- Emh: When I tell you your shift begins at oh eight hundred that doesn't mean you can stroll in here at oh eight hundred and twenty four seconds. Do you understand me, Ensign! Emh: This is outrageous. HOLO- Emh: What's outrageous is that I'm going to miss my tee time. Now, come along. Aw, what seems to be the trouble, One of Three? Two: I'm Two of Three. HOLO- Emh: Sorry. They're triplets, you know. Two: It hurts when I do this. HOLO- Emh: Well then, don't do it. Two: Ow! HOLO- Emh: Don't be a baby. Your biradial clamp's out of alignment. I've got just the thing. It's a Klingon aphrodisiac, my own special blend. HOLO- Emh: You'll be feeling better in no time at all. Emh: Lieutenant! I want you to know I'm making a full report to the captain. Paris: This isn't about that dermal regenerator I misplaced, is it? Emh: You know very well what this is about. You accessed my holo-novel without permission and replaced it with your own hackneyed narrative. Paris: Hey, I'm just writing what I know. Emh: You destroyed a work of art that took months to create. Paris: Relax, Doc. I saved your program in a backup file. But I was just trying to make a point. Emh: Well, you made it, with a typical lack of subtlety. Paris: Oh, you're one to talk. Your program is about as subtle as a Ferengi mating dance. Emh: My program is a serious attempt at social commentary, yours is an insulting farce! You had me drugging a patient and taking advantage of her. Paris: Don't be ridiculous. That character is not you. For one thing, he has much more hair. But what if some people ran that program and thought that it was based on you? That would bother you, wouldn't it? Emh: I don't care what people think. Paris: That's all you care about! You want everyone back home to think of you as a brilliant author. Emh: I'm not doing this for my ego. And if you could look past yours, maybe you'd see that. Paris: Listen, I don't care if the whole Alpha Quadrant mistakes me for Lieutenant Marseilles. What bothers me is that you think that's what I'm like. Emh: Obviously, you're nothing like Marseilles. He's self-indulgent, immature. Paris: And how would you describe me? Emh: Well, you're a married man with a child on the way. A lot of responsibilities. Paris: I'm surprised you noticed. You know, I thought I'd begun to earn your respect. Maybe I was wrong. Your program is under file theta one five. Do whatever you want with it. Neelix: Doctor, I need your help. Emh: Unless you're suffering acute symptoms, go away. Neelix: Er, I was wondering if you could take a quick look at this. Emh: Cooking with Neelix, a Culinary Tour of the Delta Quadrant. Neelix: It's a holo-cookbook proposal. I was hoping to transmit it to your publisher during my comm. link this afternoon. With your approval, of course. Emh: If you're looking for writing tips, there are plenty of people on this ship eager to offer them. Neelix: I don't know what anyone else may have told you, but I loved your holo-novel. Emh: You did? Neelix: Absolutely. It was a rousing adventure, with an important message too. Emh: Exactly. This is my first chance to be appreciated not just as a physician, but as an artist. I thought the crew would be happy for me. Neelix: You're going to reach a wide audience. What do you care about the opinions of a few disgruntled shipmates? Emh: They're my friends. I don't want to hurt them. Neelix: There's an old Talaxian expression. When the road before you splits in two, take the third path. Emh: Meaning? Neelix: You could make some adjustments to the program so it won't be so obvious it's based on Voyager. Emh: I suppose I could change the setting, alter the characters' physical parameters. Neelix: You wouldn't have to change your theme. Emh: No. But a rewrite could take weeks. My publisher is expecting a final draft tomorrow. Neelix: Maybe you should give him a call. Broht: Revisions? Emh: I need to rework the characters. Broht: Why? They're so believable. Emh: A little too believable, apparently. Broht: Doctor, I, I really don't think this is necessary. Emh: I'm afraid I have to insist. My friends' reputations are at stake. Emh: My publisher assures me he won't distribute the program until he receives the revised version. Torres: That must be the one where we assimilate the Borg and take over the quadrant. Janeway: We're all grateful that you're taking our feelings into account. Chakotay: So how long do you expect the revisions will take? Emh: Art can't be rushed. Janeway: Take your time, Doctor. Emh: Lieutenant? I'm sorry. Paris: Forget about it. Emh: I could use your help with the rewrites. Paris: Really? You realize, as a writer I'm a little unsophisticated. Emh: No, I believe the phrase you're looking for is low brow. Paris: Hey. What's that? Torres: It's from my father. He wants to talk. Paris: What are you going to do? Torres: Well, I've already arranged to talk with my cousin. Paris: Oh, I'm sure she wouldn't mind waiting a few weeks. Torres: I wouldn't know what to say to him. Paris: Then let him do the talking. Torres: Look at you. You must be, what, twenty weeks along? Torres: Twenty three, actually. John Torres: Have you decided on a name? Torres: Not yet. We were thinking about Miral. John Torres: Your mother would've liked that. You know, I had some business on Kessik Four a few months ago. You wouldn't believe what our old house looks like. Seven: Lieutenant, thirty seconds. Torres: We have less than a minute. Is there a reason you wanted to talk? John Torres: I know I can't make up for twenty years in one conversation. The truth is, when your ship disappeared, I thought I'd lost you. I don't expect you to forgive me but, maybe we could try to get to know each other again. Torres: I'll write you. Barclay: I'm sorry to disturb you, Admiral. Admiral Paris: Ah yes, Mister Barclay. What can I do for you? Barclay: I thought you'd want to see this, sir. Admiral Paris: Well, what is it? Barclay: It's a holonovel that's becoming quite popular. Admiral Paris: Well, I appreciate the gesture Lieutenant but, I don't share your affinity for holographic diversions. Barclay: You don't understand, sir. This program, it's about Voyager. And it doesn't portray the crew in a very flattering light. Admiral Paris: Hmm. Janeway: On screen. Admiral Paris: Captain. Janeway: Seven told me your message was urgent. Admiral Paris: I had the dubious privilege of playing a new holonovel apparently written by your EMH. I'm surprised that you would allow the Doctor to diskredit your crew like this. Janeway: He's still making revisions. The program shouldn't have been distributed yet. Admiral Paris: Well, it has been. Mister Barclay tells me it's already being played in thousands of holosuites. Emh: You assured me you were going to wait for my revisions. I demand that you recall every copy and issue a public apology to Captain Janeway and her crew. Broht: I won't do anything of the sort. Janeway: I don't see that you have a choice, Mister Broht. Authors have rights. Broht: Not in this case. Emh: What do you mean? Broht: The Doctor is a hologram. Emh: So? Broht: According to Federation law, holograms have no rights. Tuvok: Under a strict interpretation of Federation law, Mister Broht is correct. The Doctor has no legal rights. Emh: Because I'm a hologram. Tuvok: Yes. There is another option. We may be able to claim that the holonovel reveals classified information. Starfleet could then request that it be recalled for security purposes. Paris: Oh, great idea. A cover up. And then everyone will be convinced that it's a true story. Chakotay: Could we claim defamation? Paris: Well, we'd have to prove that the story's about us and that we've been harmed by it. Janeway: We might win on those grounds. But what about the Doctor? Emh: What about me, Captain? It's the crew's reputations that are as risk. Janeway: I'm not so sure. I think it's your reputation that's on the line here. You have the same rights as every other member of this crew, and I'm not going to let this publisher say otherwise. Captain's log, stardate 54748.6. A Federation arbitrator has been assigned to determine whether the Doctor has the right to control his artistic creation. Because of our limited comm. time with Earth, the arguments should take about three days. Tuvok: You claim the Doctor doesn't have the legal right to control this holoprogram, yet you're promoting the fact that Voyager's EMH wrote it. Broht: Our most successful children's title is a program written by Toby the Targ. Fortunately Toby hasn't tried to stop me from distributing any of his work. Tuvok: But you don't deny Tuvok: That the Doctor is the creator of this holonovel? Broht: No, but a replicator created this cup of coffee. Should that replicator be able to determine whether or not I can drink it? Emh: I object! Janeway: Doctor. Tuvok: An intriguing analogy, Mister Broht. But I have never encountered a replicator that could compose music, or paint landscapes, or perform microsurgery. Have you? Would you say that you have a reputation for publishing respected, original works of literature? Broht: I'd like to think so. Tuvok: And is the Doctor's holonovel such a work? Broht: Actually, some aspects of it are quite derivative. Tuvok: Has there even been another work written about a hologram's struggle for equality? Broht: Not that I know of, but, er Tuvok: Then in Tuvok: That respect, it is original. Broht: I suppose so. Tuvok: Your honor, Section seven gamma of the Twelfth Guarantee defines an artist as a person who creates an original artistic work. Mister Broht admits that the Doctor created this program and that it is original. I therefore submit that the Doctor should be entitled to all rights and privileges accorded an artist under the law. Arbitrator: You've made a persuasive argument, Commander, but there's a flaw in your logic. As you point out, the law says that the creator of an artistic work must be a person. Your EMH doesn't meet that criteria. Barclay: Sir, we're losing the link. Arbitrator: This hearing is in recess until tomorrow. Tuvok: We're not doing well. Emh: Is that your considered legal opinion? I'm sorry. It's just frustrating to be told I have no more legal standing than an replicator. Tuvok: If the Doctor doesn't have the right to control his own work, then it stands to reason he never had the right to enter into an agreement with Mister Broht. We could argue that the original contract is invalid. Paris: In other words, you want to concede that the Doctor isn't a person. Janeway: What we need to do is prove that he is just as much a person as any of us. Emh: How do we do that? Janeway: By telling your real life story. Seven: Because I was having difficulty interacting with the crew, the Doctor gave me social lessons. First, he taught me how to make conversation. Later Seven: How to dance. Eventually, he showed me how to express romantic interest. Seven: Without his guidance, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Kim: He decided it wasn't enough to be just a doctor, so he added command subroutines to his matrix and now, in an emergency, he's as capable as any bridge officer. Arbitrator: That only proves the Doctor's program can be modified. Kim: Your honor, I think it shows he has a desire to become more than he is, just like any other person. Barclay: He traveled halfway across the galaxy to care for Lewis Zimmerman, the man who created his program. It was like a son who wanted to show his father what he'd become, so the old man would be proud of him. And if you ask me, he was. Janeway: I'd made myself clear. But the Doctor disobeyed my direct orders. In the process, he endangered the ship and crew. Arbitrator: That's hardly commendable behavior. Janeway: No, it wasn't. But it was human. Janeway: Starfleet had programmed him to follow orders. Janeway: The fact that he was capable of doing otherwise proves that he can think for himself. Your Honor, centuries ago in most places on Earth, only landowners of a particular gender and race had any rights at all. Over time, those rights were extended to all humans, and later, as we explored the galaxy, to thousands of other sentient species. Our definition of what constitutes a person has continued to evolve. Now we're asking that you expand that definition once more, to include our Doctor. Janeway: When I met him seven years ago, Janeway: I would never have believed that an EMH could become a valued member of my crew, and my friend. The Doctor is a person as real as any Janeway: Flesh and blood I have ever known. If you believe the testimony you've heard here, it's only fair Janeway: To conclude that he has the same rights as any of us. Arbitrator: You'll have my decision in two days. Arbitrator: This hearing is in recess. Seven: When you sing happy birthday to your mother, try to stay in tune. Kim: What's this? Seven: An isolinear chip entitling the bearer to three minutes of comm. time tomorrow. You made it clear how important it was to finish your conversation. Kim: I overreacted. Seven: I understand why you did. I've been observing the crew interacting with their families over the past few days. It's become clear to me how meaningful that communication can be. Kim: Thanks, but I can't accept this. Seven: Why not? Kim: You should contact your own family. Seven: My parents were assimilated. Kim: There must be someone. A distant relative? Seven: My father has a sister on Earth. Irene Hansen. Kim: I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear from you. Hanson: You can imagine my reaction when Starfleet told me to expect your call. Seven: I experienced some apprehension myself. Irene Hanson: You seem like a lovely young woman. But you were the most stubborn six-year-old I've ever met. Your parents left you with me for a weekend, and you were so angry you locked yourself in my guest room and refused to come out. Seven: That must have been inconvenient for you. Irene Hanson: Oh, I coaxd you out eventually with a strawberry tart. Seven: I'm very fond of strawberries. I didn't realize I'd eaten them as a child. Irene Hanson: You couldn't get enough of them. Of course, you didn't hesitate to point out if they weren't perfectly ripe. Seven: I'm sorry if I insulted you. Perhaps I shouldn't have called. Irene Hanson: No, I'm very glad you did. It's wonderful to see you again, Annika. Arbitrator: We're exploring new territory today, so it is fitting that this hearing is being held at Pathfinder. The Doctor exhibits many of the traits we associate with a person. Intelligence, creativity, ambition, even fallibility. But are these traits real, or is the Doctor merely programmed to simulate them? To be honest, I don't know. Eventually we will have to decide, because the issue of holographic rights isn't going to go away. But at this time, I am not prepared to rule that the Doctor is a person under the law. However, it is obvious he is no ordinary hologram and while I can't say with certainty that he is a person, I am willing to extend the legal definition of artist to include the Doctor. I therefore rule that he has the right to control his work. I'm ordering all copies of his holo-novels to be recalled immediately. Broht: Your honor! Arbitrator: This hearing is adjourned. Barclay: Congratulations, Doctor. Emh: Thank you, Reg. Admiral Paris: We'll be in touch, Captain. Janeway: You don't look like someone who's just struck the first blow for the rights of holograms. Emh: I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it feels like a hollow victory. Pardon the pun. The program's already been played by thousands of people. The damage is done. Janeway: We'll survive. Paris: If I'm not mistaken, don't you have a holonovel to revise? Emh: Do you think I'll be able to find another publisher? Janeway: If there's one thing I've learned about you, Doctor, it's that you can do just about anything you set your mind to. Emh1: Time for your diagnostic. Report to the holo-lab. Emh2: I know the routine. Emh1: And, while you're there, do yourself a favor. Ask the operator to run program forty seven beta. Emh2: Why? What is it? Emh1: It's called Photons Be Free. It's quite provocative.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Butters walks with Kenny, Stan and Kyle are at their lockers, and Cartman comes into view at the far end of the hallway Cartman: YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys! [runs up to Butters, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle] You're never gonna guess what! [stands among them] Seriously you guys, guess what?? Stan: What? Cartman: You guys, you know Pete Melman? [no one answers] Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class? Kyle: The blond kid? Cartman: Yeah yeah, Pete Melman! Stan: What about him? Cartman: He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans! [begins to cackle] Kyle: [angry] How do you know?! Cartman: Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper! Butters: Eavesdropper? Kyle: What's that? Cartman: Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper? [whips out an iPhone and starts looking for the Eavesdropper article] It's a Web site about all the students in the school! [The web site screams "Exclusive! Pete Melman Craps Pants At School!" at you. Part of the page has a picture of Pete on there, with a 'play' button to play a recording] Clyde: [appears at the far end of the hallway] Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants! [runs off to tell others] Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys! [gets back to his phone] Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom. [touches the 'play' button] Just listen, listen listen. Nurse Bronski: Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident. [Cartman snickers quietly] Mrs. Melman: Oh no, what is it? Is he okay? Stan: Turn it up. [Cartman obliges] Nurse Bronski: No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class. [Cartman grins big, Butters grins a little, Kyle is a little disgusted] I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks. Craig: Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Cartman: Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it! [laughs. Craig moves on] Kyle: Dude, that's so wrong! Butters: [moves off] Hey! Pete Melman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies! Cartman: Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, "Poopypants Pete", but th- but then I also thought of "Mushpants Melman." Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you. Cartman: Oh Jesus, what now?! [goes to the office] Scene Description: Principal's office, faculty room. Cartman sits at one end of the faculty table while Principal Victoria sits at the other end, flanked by Mr. Mackey on her right and Mr. Adler on her left. The clock reads 2:03 p.m. Principal Victoria: Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom. Cartman: Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny! [slaps the table and laughs] Principal Victoria: Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying. Cartman: Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me. Principal Victoria: Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him? Cartman: [smiles] Yeah, he killed himself. Mr. Mackey: Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, [points] spearheaded by you, cause him-! Cartman: Hey! Whoooa. Mr. Mackey: Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out. Cartman: 'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone! Mr. Adler: Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete. Principal Victoria: Please just let it go. Cartman: You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?! Mr. Mackey: We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it! Cartman: Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants. Principal Victoria: [stands up and walks to the window, then looks out] Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around. Cartman: [scoff] Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done! Principal Victoria: If Pete Melman does not kill himself, [turns around] we will make it very worth your while. Cartman: You aren't listing to anythin- [checks himself] Make it worth my while how? Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway again. Must be a rainy day, as some of the kids are eating lunches in the hall. Butters, Craig, and Stan walk towards the camera, with Craig looking at his iPhone. The three are laughing. Kyle appears and approaches them Stan: No way. Kyle: What's up? Stan: The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper! Kyle: Dude, that's fucked up. Stan: Come on dude, it's pretty funny. Kyle: It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see?? Stan: Yeah dude, that's pretty funny. Butters: It's megasuperhilarious! [a girl is putting her books away when Cartman approaches her] Cartman: Uh, hey Jenny. 'Sup? Jenny: What do you want? Cartman: Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh? Jenny: [gets her bag lunch, closes her locker and walks away] Yeah, it's gross! [Cartman stands by her locker for a moment, then catches up to her] Cartman: So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Uh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes. [takes out a box of cupcakes from his backpack] Jenny: [unimpressed] So what? Cartman: I was just thinking that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of... [gulps] liked you. Jenny: I don't like you! Cartman: I know. Uh, I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake? [getting uncomfortable, he puts the cupcake in the box and the box away in his back pack] Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time. [walks quickly away] Jenny: Hey. Wait. [Cartman stops and Jenny catches up] Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes. Scene Description: Fourth grade, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids have all taken their seats. Mr. Garrison is going over a test on sea life. Mr. Garrison: And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals. [Jenny gets a sharp pain in her stomach] Jenny: Oh! Gahhh. Ohf. Mr. Garrison: They're not fish like some of you retards chose. Cartman: [concerned, while Mr. Garrision is talking] You okay, Jenny? Jenny: Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh! [can't stand it much longer] M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please [winces] be excused? Cartman: Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class. [Jenny moans even more] Mr. Garrison: What's the matter? Jenny: Gah, I just need to go to the restroom! Mr. Garrison: Well, okay. Cartman: Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class. Jenny: Please! I've gotta go now! Cartman: Well, just give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp. Jenny: [leaves her seat] No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH! [lets out a wet fart] Class: Eeeeww! [Jenny can't hold it in. Bebe and Stan leave their seats while Cartman stands on his desk] Cartman: Oh, my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! [Millie, Token, and Wendy leave] Did you guys hear that?! Oh, my God! [Kyle and Clyde leave] It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was! Kids: Ew! Butters: Sick! Cartman: WAY worse! Timmy: Run. [Jenny begins to bawl] Scene Description: Principal's office faculty lounge. Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey have gathered again to meet with Cartman. Silence fills the room Principal Victoria: ...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis. Cartman: Alright, kewl. Mr. Mackey: [shoots back] No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life! Cartman: You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper! [shows them the story on his iPhone] Principal Victoria: [shoving her chair aside. It falls to the floor] That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off! Cartman: Nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die! The three adults: Yes! Cartman: Jesus Christ! [thinks hard] Okay, okay. [squeezes his eyes shut, puts his hands over them, removes the right hand] Um, Jesus- [removes the left hand] ah... Okay, look. [the adults lean in a bit] Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those? Mr. Mackey: Our students did average, maybe just below average. Cartman: Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you... [turns his head left for a moment, still hasn't opened his eyes] you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved. [Victoria, Adler, and Mackey just stare at him] Principal Victoria: That's insane! Cartman: Okay, well, if you have a better idea, then why am I here? [Mr. Adler looks at Principal Victoria, Principal Victoria looks at Mr. Mackey, Mr. Mackey places a call.] Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi, Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah... no, they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay. Scene Description: The school hallway, day. Butters, Craig and Stan are laughing at another Eavesdropper headline as Kyle rounds the corner behind them. Kyle walks up to them Stan: Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simons' boyfriend calling her "soft-serve Simon." Kyle: That's not funny. Craig: Hey, here's a post about Token: "Token Black's Private Gym Photos" [laughs] Kyle: [rolls his eyes] I'm not looking at that! Stan: Come on, dude, it's pretty funny! Kyle: It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you! Stan: I wouldn't care. Craig: Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack. Stan: What? Craig: "In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'." Stan: [sees Kenny and walks up to him at his locker] Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?! Kenny: (What?) Stan: How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?! Kenny: (I don't know.) Stan: Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?! Kenny: (No!) Stan: That was a private e-mail from me to you! [notices a pissed-off Wendy approaching] Hey Wendy. Wendy: You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?! Kenny: (Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here!) [closes his locker and leaves] Stan: No, I was telling Kenny he would like it. Wendy: Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! [Stan leans away a bit] Stan: Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this. Wendy: So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?! [Stan stays silent] Scene Description: South Park Elementary Library. Stan has convened a meeting of some of his classmates and is now at the podium Stan: This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all! [The others present are Red, Kenny, Butters, Craig (looking at his iPhone), Wendy, Kyle, Bebe, and Token. Kyle raises his hand] Yes, Kyle. Kyle: So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right? Stan: Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?! Wendy: Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack. [Butters laughs at Wendy's wisecrack in a weird way] Stan: Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room! [the other eight look at each other] Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch! [pounds the podium with his fists] And we're not gonna-! Craig: [reading off his iPhone] It's not somebody in this room. Stan: What? How do you know? Craig: Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: "Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker." [laughs] Yeah. Hey wait, that's me. Kyle: Where is it coming from? Craig: Huh? Kyle: If it's on the school network we can track the IP address. [takes Craig's iPhone and sets about tracing the IP address. The kids head into the hallway and pass by the music room] This way. In here. [they stop at the music room door] Whoever it is using the computer in the music room. Stan: We only have music class on Thursday. Wendy: Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know. Kyle: Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?! Stan: Oh I'm ready! Kyle: One. [Stan makes fists and tenses up] Two. Three! [opens the door and the nine kids run in, but they're all surprised at what they see. It's a gerbil typing away into the Eavesdropper Web site. This week on Spee: Jenny Simons Still On Suicide Watch] Craig: It's a rat! [the gerbil noticed them and runs away] Kyle: Get it! [the kids give chase. Craig and Kyle run into each other and fall trying to get the gerbil. Bebe and Token fall giving chase] Stan: Don't let him get away! Token: He's gone! Stan: What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper? Kyle: Wikileaks. [Kyle is now at the computer looking at the login screen] It says here his name is Wikileaks. Scene Description: A boy's bedroom, full of panda stuff. On the boy's desk is a cage with a gerbil in it - Lemmiwinks. He runs in his wheel for a while, then steps off it for a sip of water. When he's done, the Frog King appears before him Frog King: Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails. [Lemmiwinks makes some noises] Yes. And I'm afraid the ne ws is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks! Singer: Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaksOf Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks... Frog King: Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks. Singer: Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two girls chat by some lockers Emily: It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab? Tammy Nelson: It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too. [above them, Wikileaks is recording everything they say] Emily: Really? You too? Tammy Nelson: That's just between us, okay? Emily: Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you. [Stan and his gang spot Wikileaks] Stan: Stop that rat! [Wikileaks jumps off the lockers and runs for the computer lab] Scene Description: The Computer Lab, moments later. Wikileaks jumps onto the first computer he sees, logs in, and starts typing in his latest headline: "TAMMY NELSON AND JEN MARX 'HELP!' OUR MOMS ARE VICIOUS DRUNKS!¡" The gang catches up to Wikileaks Stan: Knock it off! [Wikileaks hops off and heads for the nearest air vent, and makes his escape] Scene Description: The school library. A boy is typing into his iPhone Tommy Edwards: I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and- [Wikileaks runs by and snatches the phone away in his teeth] HEY! [Wikileaks runs to the nearest computer, logs in, and types in the latest headline: "TOMMY EDWARDS HAS A CRUSH ON MARLA WATKINS" Butters looks in and spots Wikileaks. Wikileaks notices him] Butters: NO Wikileaks! Bad! Scene Description: The school cafeteria, at that moment. In the kitchen Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, Cartman, and Mr. Mackey add Ease-Lax laxatives to the pizzas just brought in from Pizza Hut Cartman: Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm. Mr. Mackey: Eh, Is this one good? Cartman: Yeah, I think they're all ready. Principal Victoria: You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza? Cartman: It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever. Mr. Mackey: Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us. Cartman: Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?! [leaves the preparation table and faces them] I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now! Mr. Mackey: Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler. [Mr. Adler leaves, then returns with a grinning Selena Gomez] Cartman: Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You [gasp] you actually got her to come! [grins] Selena Gomez: Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together? Cartman: No thanks. Okay, proceed. Mr. Mackey: I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez. [Mr. Mackey punches her on the stomach twice. Cartman is awed, then smiles. Principal Victoria then smashes Gomez on the head with a baking tray] Alright, get her the fuck out of here. [Mr. Adler hauls Ms. Gomes away.] Principal Victoria: Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight? Cartman: That. Was. Amazing. Mr. Mackey: Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here! [they hear some small gerbil sounds] What the? [notices Likiweaks on a shelf recording the action] Oh shit! [Wikiweaks runs away] Stop that rat! Scene Description: The boy's bedroom, day. Lemmiwinks is back in his wheel, exercising Frog King: Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny. [The Sparrow Prince flies in through the open window and lands on the upper edge of the gerbil cage] Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring? Sparrow Prince: Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment. [jumps down into the cage] The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet. Frog King: Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him. Sparrow Prince: Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother? Frog King: I thank God I don't have to make that decision. [the two of them then just observe Lemmiwinks.] We might need to bring in some outside help. Scene Description: Back in the music room, Stan is on the computer as the other eight kids look on Stan: You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon. Butters: Biggest story about who? Craig: There's no telling. It could be about any of us. [Stan gets off the computer and notices something happening above him as a blinding light appears. The light softens to reveal the Catatafish] Catatafish: Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish. Singers: Catatafish of the Salmon School. Kyle: What? Catatafish: I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner. Stan: Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil? Kyle: What is that thing? Catatafish: I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish. Singers: Catatafish's tale will soon be told. Stan: Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet? Catatafish: He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault? Singers: Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.</poem> Catatafish: No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again! Kyle: Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat! Catatafish: Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it. Scene Description: The faculty restroom. Principal Victoria looks outside to make sure there's no one or nothing around, then closes the door and locks it. Mr. Mackey checks behind the mirrors for bugs while Mr. Adler checks the stalls Principal Victoria: Alright, are we sure we're alone? Mr. Mackey: We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do? Mr. Adler: What can we do? We're all gonna get fired! Principal Victoria: This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't! Mr. Mackey: Oh right! "The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students." That's not gonna be on Wikileaks! Mr. Adler: Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them. Mr. Mackey: All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad! Principal Victoria: No, no, we're not bad. Mr. Mackey: We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story. Principal Victoria: What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick? Mr. Adler: Our students committing suicide? Mr. Mackey: Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus. Mr. Adler: How do we do that? Mr. Mackey: We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it. Scene Description: The boy's house, day. The gang of nine kids has arrived at Lemmiwinks' new home and Stan and Kyle are pounding on the front door. Mrs. Trumski: [answering the door] Yes? Stan: Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here? Mrs. Trumski: Yes, Vernon's around somewhere. Stan: Come on, guys! [charges in with the other kids. Mrs. Trumski is about to close the door when Catatafish floats in] Catatafish: Excuse me. Scene Description: Vernon's room, moments later. The kids find Lemmiwinks in his cage Butters: There he is! [the kids go to the cage] It's Lemmiwinks! [climbs the chair beside Lemminwink's cage] Stan: Quick, we need something to carry him in! Kyle: Here's a shoebox! [goes for the shoebox. Vernon walks in at that moment] Vernon: Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?! Stan: We just need to borrow him, kid. [Kyle hands the box to Butters] Vernon: MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL! Stan: [walks up to Vernon] Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him! Vernon: MOOOM! [Frogn King and Sparrow Prince appear in the middle of the room, hovering, and Vernon and the others notice] Frog King: There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now! Kyle: Grab him! [Butters scoops Lemmiwinks into the shoe box and the group runs out the front door] Vernon: [stops just outside the front door] MOOOM! [the group runs down the street] Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: Quickly! We must get to the school! [the group makes it to a bus stop just as a transit bus is pulling away]</poem> Stan: Whoa whoa wait, wait! [the bus stops, the door opens, and the group gets on] Scene Description: Inside the bus, the kids and the ghost animals take seats Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Stan: Can't this thing go any faster? Butters: Hang on, Lemmiwinks! Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Stan: Craig, are we still clear? Craig: Nothing broke on the Web site yet. Frog King: Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin! [the driver speeds up] Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Scene Description: From out of nowhere Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey toss a bound and gagged Cartman onto the road and watch as the bus runs over him. Principal Victoria is with them. The bus rolls a bit further, but stops due to a broken muffler. The door opens and the group steps out Kyle: What the hell happened?! Mr. Mackey: Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it? [pulls out a letter] Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay. [opens it up and reads it:] Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman. Stan: Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it! Mr. Mackey: [thinks a moment] Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go! Frog King: To battle! Scene Description: South Park, midtown. Principal Victoria has got everyone packed in her car and races down the street to get to the school Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him! Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Principal Victoria arrives at school and the group pours out of her car and rushes into the school Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on! Scene Description: The music room, moments later. Wikileaks types furiously to get the scoop out: "SCHOOL FACULTY TRIES TO POISON STUDENTS!!" Stan leads the group into the music room Stan: Stop right there, you little rat! Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Frog King: [appears before Wikileaks and stops him] Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish! [Sparrow Prince and Catatafish descend on the shoebox and open it. Lemmiwinks peeks out, then leaves the box] Scene Description: The battle begins. The two gerbils stand on their hind legs and face off. Wikileaks runs off and Lemmiwinks quickly follows. The camera tries to follow the action, but gets shaky. The gerbils dance around each other for a few seconds, then rush at each other and fight. Frog King: Oh dude, he is fucking him up! Butters: Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him! [Indeed. Lemmiwinks had bit Wikileaks on the jugular and Wikileaks is bleeding. Wikileaks soon stops moving and Lemmiwinks gets off him] Frog King: He did it! Mr. Mackey: [walks over to the computer and gets to work] Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay. Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, some days later. Stan puts his stuff away in his locker and closes it. He walks over to Kyle, Kenny... and Cartman, who has casts on his right arm and right leg, and who's walking with a crutch Stan: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. Kyle: Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes. Cartman: Boy, I say. Mr. Mackey: [rounds the corner and sees Cartman] Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice. Cartman: It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it. Mr. Mackey: Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay. Cartman: Oh, you're most certainly welcome. Mr. Mackey: [walks through them and continues down the hallway] Well students, why don't we uh- [feels a pain in his stomach] Oooh. Oh, gee, uh... Cartman: Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh! [lets out a wet fart] Aaaah! Oh it's bad! [so bad bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor] Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH! [that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor] OW! Cartman: [softly] I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those. Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a [poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face] Ooowww, okay! [begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass] Ooohhh, it's bad! Frog King: Congratulations, Lemmiwinks. Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you, private lives will stay private. Catatafish: Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth. Frog King: Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother? [Lemmiwinks just gets up and walks away] Le-Lemmiwinks? [no answer] He's devastated. Sparrow Prince: Yup, he's devastated.
Leela: This place was a great choice. The food is amazing. And such generous portions. Doug: You like the meal just wait until you try these after-dinner mints. Leela: You know, Doug, most guys are put off by my eye. It's nice to finally meet someone who's open-minded. Ew! Fry: What was wrong with your date last night? Leela: I don't know. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Possibly his vile lizard tongue. Amy: You're too picky. Fry: Yeah. If you rule out every guy with a lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an explosive violent temper, of course you're gonna be lonely. Leela: There's nothing wrong with having high standards. Now can we please stop- Zoidberg: The female Leela's problem is purely medical. Soon she will drop her eggs and they will hatch and all will be well. Amy: You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later you realise he actually has a really good body. Leela: Thank you all for the inspiring advice, but I'm perfectly happy with my life the way it is. Bender: That sounds like a cry for help. Amy: Let's all take her out tonight. There's lots of great places to meet people. Hermes: The Federal Sex Bureau. Bender: A saucy puppet show. Zoidberg: The rotting carcass of a whale. Amy: Hmm, I'll pick! Amy: Oh, wow! It's totally retro! Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings? Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid! Fry: I think they look cool. Amy: Sh! Don't let anyone hear you say that! Man: Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool? Amy: Nope, he said they're stupid. Man: Cool! Amy: So what do you think of that guy by the bar? Leela: I don't know. Maybe? Bender: Forget it, he's gay. Leela: What? How can you tell? Bender: I just know these things. I've got what they call gaydar. Leela: There's no such thing. Bender: No? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep! He's gay! Amy: Are you sure? Bender: Definitely. Unless I'm getting interference from a gay weather balloon. 21St-Century Girl: You're from the 20th century? That's incredible! I'm from the 21st century. Fry: No way! We've got so much in common. 21St-Century Girl: We sure do. Remember when those cyborgs enslaved humanity? Fry: Uh, yeah! That rings a bell. Amy: This is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled racer with 10 wins on the pro-circuit. Bolt: Hello, beautiful! Bender: I think she means 10 wins on the gay circuit. Bolt: I wish! Those cats can really fly. Amy: This is M5438, an entity of pure energy. Leela: That's great, really, but he's just not what I'm looking for. M-5438: I understand. One day you will evolve beyond your physical body, and on that day I hope you will pick up the phone. Amy: You're impossible. Bender: Just as well; I think he comes from a dimension that's big on musical theatre. Fry: Pst. I need the apartment tonight. Go see a saucy puppet show. Bender: Can do! The Hip Joint Janitor: My, my, my! What's a beautiful lady like you- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry, I thought you had two eyes. Bender: So, Leela, you must have had your pick of the litter last night at closing time. Leela: Could you guys please stop talking about my personal life? Farnsworth: Yes, let's all talk about Leela's personal life later. But right now we have business to attend to. Fry: A delivery? Farnsworth: No. A tax-deductible mission of charity. Computer Voice: This is Vergon 6. Farnsworth: This is Vergon 6. Amy: Buh! Farnsworth: It's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited by a number of frisky little doomed animals. Leela: Animals? Farnsworth: That's right. Animals in desperate need of rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once filled with a super-dense substance known as dark matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds. Leela: Wait! What about the animals? Farnsworth: Well, dark matter is extremely valuable as starship fuel. That's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow. Leela: Yes, but what about the animals? Farnsworth: The wha? Leela: The animals. Farnsworth: I didn't say anything about animals. Now it seems that the planet will collapse within three days. Incidentally, this will kill all the animals. Leela: So we have to bring back two of each kind. Just like Noah's Ark. Bender: Why two? Oh! Fry: I bet you Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye. Bender: That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes, then poke one out. Fry: Yeah, that'd be a timesaver. Leela: Do you mind? Bender: Here you go. You can use this as an eye-poker. Leela: Thank you. But I don't care how many eyes a man has ... as long as it's less than five. All I'm looking for is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... Leela: ...maybe a snappy dresser. Zapp: These new uniforms are pretty snappy, eh, first officer? Kif: I suppose, Captain. I'm not as big a fan of velour as you are. Now what do you want to do about that unidentified ship? Zapp: Destroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice feel to it. Zapp: Captain's journal Star date, 3000.3. Kif: Who are you talking to, sir? Zapp: You! Aren't you getting this? We have detected a vessel attempting to break the security cordon around Vergon 6. I'm anticipating an all-out tactical dogfight, followed by a light dinner ... ravioli, ham, sundae bar. Leela: Hey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship. Fry: Wow! The Zapp Brannigan? Leela: Uh-huh! Fry: Who's the Zapp Brannigan? Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir? Zapp: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces. What? Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octillian System from a horde of rampaging Killbots. Fry: Wow! Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more Killbots! Leela: He's the most decorated captain in the whole Democratic Order of Planets. Fry: Leela's got a boyfriend! Leela: No I don't. But I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help us rescue those animals. Bender: Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you'll wanna take this with you. Kif: Sir, they're headed straight for us. Zapp: A well-calculated move straight out of Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of War, or my own masterwork Zapp Brannigan's Big Book of War. But the one thing their captain doesn't realise and never will is that- Kif: Sir, they've docked with us and have come aboard. Zapp: Then I have risked all and lost. Kif, old man, I'll be in the escape pod. If that wicker chair I like survives the slaughter, have it sent to my P.O. box. Leela: Hello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express delivery ship. We've come aboard to plead for your assistance. Kif: Well, if there's anything- Zapp: I'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan. Has my fame preceded me or was I too quick for you? Leela: Oh, not at all. I'm just so, uh, really thrilled to meet you! Zapp: You're an impressive piece of captain. Beautiful and deadly - a potent combination. Leela: You don't mean that! Zapp: But I do. I doubt I've seen more than three or four captains sexier than you, and only one who was deadlier. Fry: I heard that one time you single-handedly defeated a horde of rampaging somethings in the something-something-system. Zapp: The Killbots? A trifle! It was simply a matter of outsmarting them. Fry: Wow! I never would have thought of that! Zapp: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shutdown. Kif, show them the medal I won. Zapp: More, please. A little more ... more ... keep going. Leela: Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission. Zapp: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of men at your disposal. Right, men? Crewman: You suck! Leela: We're hoping to save the animals of Vergon 6 from extinction. And if you could just- Zapp: Vergon 6? This light dinner is over. Leela: Wait! What's wrong? Zapp: The Democratic Order of Planets prohibits interfering with undeveloped worlds. It's a little rule known as "Brannigan's Law". Leela: But people already interfered. That planet was mined completely hollow. Zapp: Yes, by a Democratic Order of Planets mining crew. Leela: This doesn't make any sense. Zapp: I don't pretend to understand Brannigan's Law. I merely enforce it. Leela: Fine! We'll save the animals without your help. Zapp: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards! Fry: What just happened? Bender: He's throwing us in prison. Fry: Dang! Can I get this wrapped up? Leela: Ow! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison. Bender: You really are too picky. Zapp: Kif, follow me up to the observation deck. I've got some musing to do. Kif: Oh, jeez! Zapp: I'm facing a formidable female adversary, Kif. Suggestions? Kif: I fail to see any problem, sir. You already imprisoned her under directive B-10.8-1. Zapp: You mean Brannigan's Law? Kif: Right, that law. Zapp: Which one? Kif: Brannigan's Law. Zapp: Kif, you're my best and most loyal friend but you've earned my contempt once again. As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right? Kif: Yes. Zapp: Good! Invite her to my quarters. Oh, and have the boy lay out my formal shorts. Kif: "The boy", sir? Zapp: You. You lay out my formal shorts. Kif: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters. Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain. Kif: And he wants you to wear this. Zapp: Come and get it! Zapp: Welcome to my humble chamber, or as I call it, "the Lovenasium". Sham-pag-in? Leela: I didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer. Zapp: Well I have studied abroad. Or two! Leela: Captain- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: If we could speak seriously for a moment- Zapp: Uh-huh? Leela: I'd like you to reconsider letting us rescue those animals. Zapp: Mm-hm. I like your style. I find it very... (whispering) erotic. Leela: What? Zapp: Erotic! Fry: We can definitely escape, Bender. All you have to do is bend the hatch off this steam pipe. Bender: Hey, yeah! Fry: No good! It's full of steam! Zapp: You look like a woman who enjoys the finer things. Come over here and feel my velour bedspread. Leela: I'm not really in the mood. Zapp: Leela, it's real velour. Just let yourself go. Leela: Can I please just go back to prison? Zapp: You'd rather sit in prison than spend one evening with the Zapper? Leela: Much rather! What are you doing? Zapp: Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry. Just go. You want the rest of the sham-pag-in? Leela: No. And it's pronounced "sham-pane". Zapp: Oh, God, no! Leela: It's not a big deal. Zapp: I get so lonely. I just thought you, a fellow captain, would understand. Leela: Oh, forget it. Zapp: Yeah, it's great ordering people around and stuff but through it all you're completely alone. Leela: It comes with the job. Zapp: I'm just so lonely! Leela: Oh, come on. Cheer up. It's not that bad. Fry: You wanna try escaping again? Bender: Nah, I'm comfy. Fry: Man, Leela's been gone a long time. I hope she's at least making progress with Zapp Brannigan. Zapp: Good morning, lover. Leela: Uh, listen, Zapp. Zapp: Now you're officially my woman. Kudos! I can't say I don't envy you. Leela: Zapp, last night was a mistake. Zapp: A sexy mistake. Leela: No, just a regular mistake. For a split second my common sense was overwhelmed by pity. Zapp: A split second is all it takes. That's why sooner or later you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. Leela: The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is away ... from! Zapp: Leela, you're obviously confused and aroused. Leela: Look, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to save those animals whether you like it or not. Zapp: Go ahead. I won't stop you. Leela: Threaten all you- Wait. What? Zapp: We both know you won't make it halfway to Vergon 6 before the craving sets in. Then you'll come crawling back for another taste of sweet, sweet candy ... bam! Leela: Eurgh! Zapp: Kif! Kif: Yes- Yes, Captain? Zapp: I have made it with a woman. Inform the men. Kif: The fatso says you're free to go. Fry: Really? Why? Kif: "Why" indeed. Fry: What does that mean? Leela: Nothing. Bender: So should we get our stuff and head down to the planet? Leela: We just talked, OK?! Leela: Alright, we don't have much time to collect these animals. The planet is supposed to collapse in approximately two hours ago. Leela: Hello, there. Hmm. He doesn't seem to be on the checklist. Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him? Fry: Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron. Leela: No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww! I'll call him Nibbler. Bender: Aww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up the grill! Leela: I hope he'll be OK in there with all those big animals. Zapp: Y'know, Kif, once my woman returns I won't have much time to hang out with the boys anymore. Kif: That's a shame, sir. Zapp: So let's make the most of our time together, shall we? Never mind. Just give me a back rub. Bender: I found a pair of hermaphlamingos. Leela: Good. That's the last species. Bender: Hey. What the-? Fry: Where'd they all go? Leela: Nibbler! Fry: I can't believe we flew halfway across the galaxy and enjoyed a steam just to get lunch for that stupid animal! Bender: He's pending for a bending. Leela: Leave him alone. It's not his fault that he's an unstoppable killing machine. Is it, snoogums? Fry: The planet's kerploding! Leela: Prepare for lift-off. We're out of fuel. Bender, I told you to fill the tank before we left. Bender: Yeah, I'll do it when we get back. Fry: Man, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby. Leela: No way! Forget it! I refuse to go crawling back to him! Fry: What? What are you talking about? Leela: Nothing. We just talked. Bender: So what's your problem? It's not like you slept with him. Oh, my God! Fry: How could you, Leela? I thought you had some standards. I mean, jeez, he's a dumb, gross gorilla! Leela: That's enough! Don't you think I feel bad enough already? Fry: No! Leela: Alright, alright. I'll call him. I mean, if living is that important to you. Zapp: And that's why you'll never make captain, Kif. Hmm. Leela: Hello, Zapp? Zapp: Well, well, well! Leela: Zapp, we're out of fuel... Leela: ...and Vergon 6 is about to implode. We need your help. Zapp: So, crawling back to the Big Z like a bird on its belly. Delicious. Leela: Bird's don't crawl. Zapp: They've been known to. Leela: Look, are you going to rescue us or not? Zapp: Can't you ask a little more ... sexfully? Leela: Please? Leela: Big Z? Zapp: Certainly. But first you'll have to get rid of that thing. That's the law, Leela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's love Hard and fast! Zapp: Now put that greasy rat outside and we'll tow you to safety. Leela: I would never abandon a helpless animal. Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon! Zapp: And which one rocked your world? Fry: Wow! Way to tell that guy off. Now what's your secret escape plan? Leela: Uh, I guess to sit here and wait for death. Bender: Can do! Bender: What the hell was that? Fry: Pew! Leela: I don't believe it! It's dark matter. Bender: So this guy just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel? Leela: His species must've filled the entire planet with it. Did you do that, you cute little- Come on. That should be more than enough fuel to get us outta here. Bender, pick it up and put it in the engine. Leela: We made it! And some of the animals survived. Bender: So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission! Fry: We're heroes! Leela: Dear Captain's Diary I may not have found love on this mission but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And that's just as good. Zapp: Captain's journal Star date ... uh. Kif: April 13th. Zapp: April 13th ... point two. Zapp: We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking you a question!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You guys! You're not gonna believe this! I just got off the phone with my agent... Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! I'm sorry, too soon. You go. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. I got nominated for my part on Days of Our Lives! Monica Geller: Joey! Phoebe Buffay: Good for you! Monica Geller: Congratulations! Wow! I can't believe you're nominated for an Emmy! Joey Tribbiani: No-no. Monica Geller: Oh Soap Opera Digest award! Joey Tribbiani: No! I'm up for a Soapie! Monica Geller: Honey? Is that something you're making up? Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no! It's real! And it has been since 1998. Hey Rach! Rach! I'm up for a Soapie! Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God!! That is like the third most prestigious soap opera award there is! Joey Tribbiani: Thank you! Well, I guess now I know who I'm taking to the awards. Rachel Green: Oh, stop that! Don't kid about that! Will all the stars be there? Joey Tribbiani: Many are scheduled to appear. Rachel Green: Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't go! I'm gonna be too nervous! Monica Geller: Okay, I'll go! Rachel Green: No!! You are getting married! This is all I have. Ross Geller: ...and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand it's collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten it's predator. Yes Mr. Lewis? Lewis: What kinda noise? Ross Geller: Just a high pitched intimidating noise. Lewis: But like how? Ross Geller: Well we-we don't know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, that's uh, that's all for today. Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment? Ned Morse: Yes sir. Ross Geller: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, I'm afraid I-I had to fail you. Ned Morse: Why?! Ross Geller: Well you need 60% to pass... Ned Morse: What'd I get? Ross Geller: Seven. Ned Morse: That's not so good. Ross Geller: No-no it's not. What-what happened there Ned? Ned Morse: Well maybe you can cut me some slack. I'm sort of in love. Ross Geller: Well I'm sorry but, that-that's really not my problem. Ned Morse: I'm in love with you. Ross Geller: Well that brings me in the loop a little. Ned Morse: You see, that's why I did so bad on this test. I'm having a hard time concentrating. When you're up there and you're teaching and your face gets all serious...you look so good. You wear that tight little turtleneck sweater... Ross Geller: Okay! Umm, I uh, I'm your teacher. I'm sorry, you're-you're a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! That guy at the counter is totally checking you out! Monica Geller: Really? My God, he's really cute. Phoebe Buffay: Go for it. Monica Geller: Phoebe, I'm engaged! Phoebe Buffay: I'm just saying, get his number just in case. But no Chandler is in an accident and can't perform sexually and he would want you to take a lover to satisfy the needs that he can no longer fulfill. The Cute Guy: Hi! Monica Geller: Op, can I just tell you something? Very flattered but umm, I'm engaged. The Cute Guy: Wow! Uh, this is kind of embarrassing. I was actually coming over to talk to your friend. Monica Geller: Well you should be embarrassed. The Cute Guy: I thought you knew I was looking at you. Phoebe Buffay: I did, but that was really fun. Joey Tribbiani: And the winner is...Joey Tribbiani! Oh... Wow! I honestly never expected this. I uh, I didn't prepare a speech. But umm, I'd like to thank my parents, who've always been there for me. I'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel... Rachel Green: I'm fourth! Look at you with your little maple syrup award! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah may-maybe you don't tell anyone about this. Rachel Green: What? No! It's not a big deal! I do that too, with my shampoo bottle. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Rachel Green: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: What award are you practicing for? Rachel Green: Grammy, Best New Artist. Joey Tribbiani: Oh, hey listen! The Soapie's called today and I also get to present an award. Rachel Green: Ohh that's great! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Rachel Green: So you'll definitely get onstage, even if you don't win. Joey Tribbiani: What you-you don't think I'm gonna win? Rachel Green: Well of course I do! But y'know, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean you're up against the guy who survived his own cremation. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. No-no I-I know I might not win, but it's just...I've never even been nominated before! I want it so much. Rachel Green: Well Joey, you'll probably get it. But you should probably your-your gracious loser face. Y'know when like the cameras are on you and you wanna look disappointed but also that your colleague deserved to win. Y'know? So it's sorta like... Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Rachel Green: Y'know? Joey Tribbiani: You practice losing the Grammies too? Rachel Green: Oh no, at the Grammies I always win. Joey Tribbiani: Ah. Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey! Monica Geller: Hey! How'd your date go with Jake? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, great! We couldn't keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while y'know, he'd kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. Monica Geller: Okay, stop it Phoebe, you're getting me all tingly. Phoebe Buffay: All I could think of was y'know, "Is he gonna kiss me? Is he gonna kiss me?" Monica Geller: And did he? Phoebe Buffay: I'm a lady Monica, I don't kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself. Monica Geller: Okay-okay, I got it. I got it. Phoebe Buffay: I just like him so much that I just feel like I've had 10 drinks today and I've only had six. Monica Geller: Oh, I haven't had that feeling since I first started going out with Chandler. Wow, I'm never gonna have that feeling again am I? Phoebe Buffay: You sound like a guy. Monica Geller: No, a guy would be saying, "I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else." Oh my God! I'm never gonna get to sleep with anyone else! I've been so busy planning the wedding that I forgot about all the things that I'd be giving up! I mean, I...I'm never gonna have a first kiss again. Phoebe Buffay: You'll have a last kiss. Ross Geller: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you? Joey Tribbiani: Is that why you wanted to tie my tie? Ross Geller: There's this kid in my class who said he's in love with me. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Rachel Green: Whoa what? Joey Tribbiani: Ross has a boyfriend. Ross Geller: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. There's a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me. Rachel Green: Really? Ross Geller: Yeah! I don't know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of...sexy professor vibe? Rachel Green: Not right now. Ross Geller: It-it-The point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm. Rachel Green: Oh, see now I feel bad for the kid! I had a crush on a teacher once and it was so hard! Y'know you-I couldn't concentrate and I blushed every time he looked at me. I mean come on, you remember what's it's like to be 19 and in love. Ross Geller: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack. Rachel Green: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: How'd you get over that teacher? Rachel Green: I didn't. I got under him. Joey Tribbiani: Problem solved. Jake: Bye Phoebe. Phoebe Buffay: Okay bye. Jake: All right. Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Bye! We said good-bye at the door so as not to flaunt our new love. Monica Geller: Phoebe, it's okay. You don't have to tip toe around me. I-I've been thinking about it and umm, y'know what? I'm okay about not having that new relationship feeling... Jake: I miss you already!! Phoebe Buffay: I miss you too!!!! Monica Geller: See? That's what I mean. I mean that, that's great! But I wouldn't trade in what I have for that. I mean I'm gonna be with Chandler for the rest of my life, and that's what makes me happy. Hey sweetie, come here! Come sit down. Hey Phoebe and I were just talking about how our relationship is deep and meaningful. It really is don't you think? Chandler Bing: Oh totally! Pull my finger. Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Returning Male Character is McKensize... Joey Tribbiani: This is it! This is my category. Rachel Green: I know! My God! Do you have your speech? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, I got my speech! Rachel Green: Do you got your gracious loser face? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. Rachel Green: Now Joey remember, if you win you have to hug me! You hug me! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Can I squeeze your ass? Rachel Green: On TV?! Yeah! Joey Tribbiani: 'Kay! The Presenter: In The Category Of Favorite Returning Male Character The Nominees Are John Wheeler from General Hospital , Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless , Dunkin Harrington from Passions , and Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives . And the Soapie goes to...Gavin Grant from The Young and the Restless! Joey Tribbiani: What the?! Announcer: Presenting the award for Favorite Supporting Actress is Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives. Joey Tribbiani: Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop , from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is...Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldn't be with us tonight so I'll be accepting this award on her behalf. And I'm sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. She'd also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel who's sittin' right there! Rachel Green: Joey! Why did we have to rush out of there so fast?! Joey Tribbiani: Rach we had to get out of there because, look what I won! Rachel Green: Oh my God you stole her award! Joey Tribbiani: No-no! No, I'm accepting it on her behalf. Rachel Green: Joey I don't think you know what behalf means. Joey Tribbiani: Sure I do! It's a verb! As in, "I behalfin' it!" Rachel Green: Joey, you have got to take this back! Joey Tribbiani: But why?! I should've won one and I really want it and she didn't even care enough to come to the thing! It could also be a Grammy. Rachel Green: No! Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Come on Rach! No one saw me take it! There was a whole table full of 'em. Rachel Green: Do you really want an award you didn't win? Joey Tribbiani: No! I want an award I did win! But nobody's giving me any of those! Plus-Hey Rach, if-if I put it up there right? When people come over they'll see it and they'll think I won it. Rachel Green: Joey is says Best Supporting Actress! Joey Tribbiani: I can scratch that right off. Rachel Green: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You don't want to win an award this way. You're very talented. And someday you're gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Rachel Green: All right? Thank you. Joey Tribbiani: I'll take it back tomorrow. Rachel Green: Thank you. Joey Tribbiani: If I can't have it you can't have it! Lewis: Professor Geller? Ross Geller: Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you? Lewis: I know I didn't do well on my midterms and stuff but, I was kinda hoping you could change my grade. Ross Geller: And why exactly would I do that? Lewis: Because I'm in love with you. Ross Geller: What?! Lewis: Yeah, I'm all...in love with you and stuff. So could you change my grade? Ross Geller: No! Lewis: Well why not you changed Ned's grade! Ross Geller: Well that's different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me! Lewis: No he's not! He's totally yanking your chain! He's done this with three other teachers! Ross Geller: What? Lewis: He's got a girlfriend! Ross Geller: I can't believe someone would do that for a grade. Lewis: I know! It's awful. I love you. Monica Geller: Have you seen Chandler? Phoebe Buffay: No. Why? Monica Geller: 'Cause I just keeping thinking about all these things that I'm not gonna have and it's freaking me out. I don't know what to do about it. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, don't sweat it. Chandler is nowhere around so go ahead get it out of your system. That guy's cute. Monica Geller: Phoebe! Come on I'm serious! I just got to talk to him about all this. Phoebe Buffay: No that is the last thing you want to do! Monica Geller: Why? Phoebe Buffay: Because you're marrying him! Monica Geller: You gotta help me out here Pheebs. Phoebe Buffay: All right, I've never been engaged and I've never really been married, but I can only tell you what my mother told me. Whenever you have doubts or fears or anxieties about a relationship, do not communicate them to your husband. Monica Geller: So I'm not supposed to share my doubts and fears with the guy I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with? Phoebe Buffay: That is correct! Yes, you're supposed to take all of that stuff and put it in a little box in your mind and then lock it up tight. Monica Geller: Your mother told you this? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Monica Geller: The woman that got married a bunch of times and killed herself when you were 13? Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! You're right! Go! Go tell Chandler! Hurry before it's too late! Wait no! Does this also mean putting out doesn't get you love? Rachel Green: I cannot believe I'm gonna meet Jessica Ashley! Joey Tribbiani: Okay wait-wait p-please be cool! Okay? I work with this woman. Rachel Green: Okay, I'm totally cool! Jessica Ashley: Come in. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Jessica. Rachel Green: Hey Jess. Joey Tribbiani: Ah, this is my friend Rachel. Jessica Ashley: Hi. Rachel Green: 'Sup? Joey Tribbiani: Uh listen, here's your Soapie. I accepted it for ya. Jessica Ashley: Oh my God! I won! Do you have any idea what this means?! Joey Tribbiani: Well, that-that-that's it? You're gonna, you're gonna put it on your self or anything? Jessica Ashley: No, I try to save that for real awards. Now, if you'll excuse me. Joey Tribbiani: Take it back? Rachel Green: Absolutely. Joey Tribbiani: Y-y-yeah! Yeah you do. Monica Geller: Honey, as we get closer to the wedding, is there anything that you would like to talk about or share? Chandler Bing: Okay. Well, I think the centerpieces are too big Monica Geller: You're wrong! The centerpieces are fine! Do you ever get scared at all? Chandler Bing: Kinda. They're really big. Monica Geller: Doesn't it ever just freak you out that-that you're never gonna be with anybody new again? Chandler Bing: What? Monica Geller: Just, I love you so much. Just...It's just sometimes it bothers me that I'm never gonna have that feeling. Y'know when you meet someone for the first time and it's new and exciting? Y'know that rush? Chandler Bing: No. No, see when I first meet somebody it's uh it's mostly panic, anxiety, and a great deal of sweating. Monica Geller: Okay, but all right you're a guy, does it not freak you that you're never gonna sleep with anybody else? Chandler Bing: Sleeping with somebody new, anxiety, panic, and I'm afraid even more sweating. Monica Geller: Even with me? Chandler Bing: I was dangerously dehydrated during the first six months of our relationship. Look, for me the rush is knowing that we are gonna be together for the rest of our lives. Monica Geller: Really? Chandler Bing: Well yeah! But now that I know that you're having these thoughts, I'm back to panic, anxiety, and uh I'm definitely gonna need some kind of sports drink. Monica Geller: Come here! Come here! Sweetie you don't have to worry. No, besides y'know what? I'm gonna have a lot of new things with you. The first time we buy a house. Our first kid. Our first grandkid... Chandler Bing: Water! Water! Water! Ross Geller: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment? Ned Morse: That was a great lecture today. Did you get a little hair cut? Ross Geller: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that I'm changing your grade back. Ned Morse: What?! Why? Ross Geller: 'Cause I know what you're trying to pull here. Okay? It's not gonna work. Ned Morse: I'm not trying to pull anything. Look I love you dude. Ross Geller: Y'know what? I-I'm not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay-Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You don't love me and you never did! Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, I'll be right with you. Don't make this worse and I'll give you a C. Shall we? Phoebe Buffay: Rach? Rachel Green: I'll be out in a second. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. It's just so unexpected! I...I uh...Boy I'll tell you it's just such an honor to be nominated for a Nobel Prize and y'know to win one for a massage. Especially after having just won a Tony award for best actress in... Rachel Green: Honey, we have to go. Our reservations are at 8:00. Phoebe Buffay: ...in Reservations at 8:00 by Neil Simon. Thank-thank you Neil. Thank you for the words. Rachel Green: Okay honey, you can finish this later we're gonna be late. We gotta go. Phoebe Buffay: Please, don't play the music. Just uh one more. LIVE FROM NEW YORK! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!
Scene Description: A scrapbook shot of Butters sleeping, with a poo mustache on his face. Cartman: This picture I like to call "The Pierre". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha. [the caption reads "THE PIERRE 3/10/07." Cartman flips the page. The pages are artsy in design] And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. [Yep, the tampon is in there like a thermometer] I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual". [the caption is shown, Cartman flips the page. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stand around him, looking at the pictures. They're all in Cartman's room.] This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae". [caresses the picture] I really like how the light plays with the background on this one. Kyle: Is this all you brought us here to see? Cartman: Oh no, there's much more. [flips the page] Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it "New Moon Rising". [a shot of Cartman hanging his ass over Butters' face] I did a whole study using my ass. [Cartman's ass over Butters' face from the left side] Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. [next, Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters] trying out some... different light filters here. [last shot looks faded, with Cartman's ass directly on Butters' face.] But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass. Kyle: Butters is staying over tonight? Cartman: Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to- Butters: [appears at Cartman's bedroom door] Hey, fellas! [Stan and Kenny turn around. Kyle looks over his left shoulder] Cartman: Heh! [quickly puts away his scrapbook] Oh, oh hey, Butters! [turns around and greets him] I wasn't expecting you so soon. Butters: Yeah. [puts down his sleeping bag] I finished my chores so I came over a little early. [Cartman takes the sleeping bag and sets it aside. Butters notices the other guys] Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too? Cartman: [returns] No no, these guys were just leaving. [faces the other guys menacingly] Weren't you guys? Stan: Come on, let's go. [leads Kyle and Kenny out the door.] Kyle: [stops] Wait, wai- I can't let this happen. [turns around] Butters. Butters: Yeah Kyle? Kyle: Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over? Cartman: Kyyyle! Butters: Uh what do you mean? Kyle: I mean, that if- Cartman: What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life. Butters: Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle. Kyle: [angered] Hrrugh! [leaves] Butters: So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while? Cartman: Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon. Butters: But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30. Cartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink. Scene Description: South Park, morning. The boys walk up to the bus stop. Cartman isn't with them. Cartman: [off screen] You guys! I got it! [runs in and joins them] It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God! Stan: What'cha do to Butters this time? Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up at his own cleverness] Kyle: Dude! Cartman: I know I know, check it out, look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good! Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him? Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now! Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay! Cartman: Eh- ...what? Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid! Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh uh. Kyle: Yeah huh! Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh? Kenny: (Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.) Cartman: But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys! Stan: You are now. Cartman: No, no, it was a stupid mistake! Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now. Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away] What, what can I do? How-how can I reverse this? Stan: You can't! Kyle: No-no wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman. Cartman: How? Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth. Cartman: [low voice] Really? Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity. Cartman: [beat] ...Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off] Kyle: [beat] ...Idiot. Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, several minutes later. Butters is playing with his toys - a car, a truck, and a small action figure. Butters: [singing] Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you... [continues howling the tune] Cartman: [enters the room] Butters. Butters: [stops playing and gets up] Whoa, hey Eric. Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you. Butters: [a little excited] A surprise? What is it? Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever! Butters: [really excited] Oh boy! Cartman: You ready? Butters: Y-yeah! Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees! Butters: [closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees] Oh, okay! [Cartman grabs a handkerchief from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters] Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly] Butters: How come uh, I can't see? Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toybox] Butters: Oh uh, ho yeah. Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters? [lowers them and ...] That's good, just like that. Butters: [wary all of a sudden] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya? Cartman: ...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut] Butters: Well okay! Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own wiener] All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go. [at that moment the door opens and Stephen enters.] Stephen: Butters! Cartman: Uh! [quickly gets dressed up] Butters: Whoa! Hey Dad! [Cartman steps down from the toy-box and runs away] Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?! Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth] Stephen: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes off the blindfold] Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where'd Eric go? Stephen: [quite concerned, on bended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this? Butters: Like what? Stephen: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious. Butters: What's... bi-curious? Stephen: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters. [Linda appears at the doorway] Linda: What's going on, you two? Butters: Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles] Scene Description: South Park Church, day. Butters and Stephen are in the rectory. Stephen: Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious. Father Maxi: Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused? Butters: ...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright. Stephen: You see? Father Maxi: Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you. Butters: Really? Stephen: What can I do, Father? Father Maxi: There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured. Stephen: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea. Butters: Whoa boy! Camp! Scene Description: Stan's living room. He, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a board game, Living. A door opens and closes, and Cartman appears. Cartman: Haahaahahaha! [crosses his arms] Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me! Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass? Cartman: [uncrosses his arms] I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said! Kyle: You figured that out, huh? Cartman: [crosses his arms again as he turns away] That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know. [pleased with himself] Kyle: Except for us. Cartman: Right, except for you. Kyle: And all the people we tell. Cartman: [turns around] Why would you tell anybody? Stan: Because it's really, really funny. Cartman: ...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier. Kyle: Like what? Cartman: Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch. [grins, but Stan and Kyle ignore him] Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face! [chuckles] Stan: That isn't funny. Cartman: [angrily] Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody! Kyle: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't. Cartman: Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys! [the other boys continue playing. Cartman changes tactics: he pleads] You guys, please don't tell anybody. Kyle: Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on. Cartman: Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle. [turns around and cackles] Haha, hahahaha! [leaves the house] Scene Description: Camp New Grace entrance, night. Stephen pulls up with Butters, and some campers and camp staffers come out to greet them. Butters hops out of the passenger side, dressed in shirt and tie. Stephen goes to the trunk to bring out a suitcase. Leader: Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters. Campers: Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters. Stephen: [brings the suitcase to an elder staffer] Thank you so much for taking him in. Director: Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be. Scene Description: Camp New Grace interior, night. The camp director is showing Butters around. Director: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters? Butters: Because I'm bi-curious? Director: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. [they approach a room] Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. [Room 22] Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life. [the door opens, and a boy is shown hanging from a noose in the middle of his room. The stool and book he stood on are fallen on the floor. The director quickly closes the door and continues the tour] Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there. [notices another boy in front of them] Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy? Bradley: Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6 Director: Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Butters: I'm bi-curious. Bradley: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22. Director: That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed. [(a boy has hanged himself) whispers softly to a staffer as the staffer walks by] We've got another one: Room 22. Staffer: Aw, darnit! Scene Description: Community park, dusk. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are taking turns shooting the basketball at the hoop. Stan shoots and misses Stan: Aw man, I've got H O R S now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball.] Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him] Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?! Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what? Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know God damned well what! Kyle: Let go of me. Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?! Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?! Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture. Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle! Kyle: I don't have it. Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here. Kyle: Shut up. Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, and [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews! [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly] OW! [puts his left hand over his right arm] OW! AAAAUH! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park] NYAAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Camp New Grace, chapel, day. Kids of every age are there singing in unison. Campers: The Lord is love this forWith Jesus I can just say noAnd not be confused anymore. Director: We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you. Butters: He's bi-curious too? Director: Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids! Pastor Phillips: [flies onto the stage and prances about speaking flamboyantly] Helloooo campers! [twirls some and strikes a pose] Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man! [strikes a running pose] So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what? [jumps up into the air and does a 1080] It worrrrked! [strikes another pose, then eases up] Director: That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip. [pulls on out of his back pocket] And just like a paper clip, [begins to mess with it] God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight. [presents the straightened paper clip. A Latino boy pulls out a gun, shoots himself through the temple, and goes down. Butters is startled. The director and Pastor Phillips just stand there.] Scene Description: Park County Police Station, South Park Division, day. Det. Yates: So you say you were robbed. [fills out a police report] Cartman: Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski. Det. Yates: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one? Cartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back! Det. Yates: Okay, what is the picture of? Cartman: [long pause] Why... why does that matter? Det. Yates: Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is? Cartman: All right. It's a picture ...of me. Det. Yates: Yes? Cartman: It's a picture ...of me. [long pause] And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth. Det. Yates: [long pause] You were sucking somebody's penis. [this grabs other officers' attention.] Cartman: No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... put their penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture! Det. Yates: ...I see. Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep. Det. Yates: Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury. Cartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell! Det. Yates: Well then, you're screwed. Scene Description: Camp New Grace, camp office. Butters and Bradley face the director and four staffers - one of them is a woman, another is Pastor Phillips Director: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell? Butters: Well sure, I guess. Bradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls. Director: And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye? Butters: Well yeah, sure. Bradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7. Director: Then do you mind telling us why we found this [holds up a magazine with an aroused male model on one of its pages] 1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room? Bradley: That's... that's mine. Director: You know this is strictly forbidden! Butters: Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear? Director: [rises from his chair and walks up to Butters] What's wrong?! [thrusts the magazine onto Butters' face] This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?! Butters: Yes, it's all very confusing! Director: This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids! [a gunshot and body drop are heard off screen and all the adults present look to their right. The director sighs twice, rests his left elbow on his desk, holds his left hand up, drops his head onto it, and closes his eyes. The other staffers take notice. Bradley looks down, Butters looks down, then around] Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days! Scene Description: 8:26 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman sits at his desk looking distraught. Cartman: That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now. [pounds his desk and gets determined] That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth. [grabs his ears and starts twisting them until they hurt] Ow. OW. OW! Scene Description: The Cartman's kitchen, moments later. Liane balances her checkbook and pays off some bills at the breakfast table. Cartman enters the kitchen, puts his head against the wall and begins to cry. Liane: [taking notice] Eric? What's the, what's the matter? [walks over to him to console him] Cartman: [crying throughout] I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow! Liane: Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened. Cartman: Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee. Liane: Oh, now why would he do that? Cartman: Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre. Liane: What is the picture of, Eric? [Cartman stops crying] Cartman: [sniffles] Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have. Liane: Ohh, that's nice. Cartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay! [turns his face to the wall and cries again] Liane: Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen. Cartman: [looks at her and sobs] But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee! [turns to her and cries into her chest] Liane: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother. Cartman: You, you will? Scene Description: Butters and Bradley are in their room doing penance - writing Biblical verses at the table. Butters: ...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato! Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble. Butters: Awww, that's okay, Bradley. Bradley: I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused. Butters: Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home! Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [warm thoughts... Bradley panics and leaves his chair] Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought! Butters: Wuh-what's the matter? Bradley: I think, I, I th-, I think I like you. Butters: Well I like you too, Bradley. Bradley: You do? Butters: Well yeah! Bradley: You like like me? Butters: Sure, I like like you a lot lot. [laughs] Bradley: Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves! [runs to the door and opens it, then runs out and away] Butters: [gives chase, but isn't fast enough] No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy! Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime. The Broflovskis are eating. The phone rings and Sheila gets up to answer it. Sheila: Hello? Liane: Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother. Sheila: Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman. Liane: Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth. Sheila: [long pause] Excuse me? Scene Description: 8:56 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman is back at his desk fretting about the following day. Liane: Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine. Cartman: It is? [happily jumps off his chair and runs to her] Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you! [hugs her] Liane: You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture. Cartman: [his smile vanishes] What? Liane: She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it. Cartman: Mom, she's lying! Liane: She said she was sure, Eric. Cartman: Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time! Liane: Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it. Cartman: [thinks a moment] Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh. Scene Description: Camp office, night. Butters is in there talking to the director. Director: Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?! Butters: I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast. Director: You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk. Butters: Oh no, my Dad? Director: Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity? Butters: Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'. Director: We're fixing your confusion! Stephen: There you are, Butters! Director: Oheh- hey Dad. Stephen: What's he done now?! Director: Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy! A counselor: They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick! [Butters runs out, followed by Stephen, then the counselor, then the director] Scene Description: A bridge similar to the one in "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", day. Bradley is near the middle of the span, hanging on to the side but ready to jump off. A crowd has gathered at one end of the bridge. The director arrives, followed by Pastor Phillips, Butters, and Stephen Director: Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley! Bradley: Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God! Director: No no, we're fixing you! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman marches towards class with a slide projector. He turns left and enters the classroom Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman approaches Kyle Cartman: Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone? [Kyle turns around and Cartman is in his face. Cartman softly says] Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction! Mrs. Garrison: Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell. [writes the words on the board] Who'd like to go first? [Cartman holds down Kyle's arm while raising his own and grunts] Kyle: Ow! Quit it, dude! Mrs. Garrison: Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first. Cartman: HA! [gets up and goes to the board, pulls down the projector screen and clears his throat.] For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer. [clicks the projector on, and the class lights dim] This first picture I like to call "Moods of Winter" [a shot of snow-covered barren trees], a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps? Kyle: [to Stan] He isn't actually going to show everyone... Cartman: And now this next picture [clears his throat. Quick cut to] Scene Description: The bridge near camp, day. Bradley is still hanging on. Director: Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you! Bradley: It's too late. Butters: [approaches the bridge] Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look? Director: You get back. You're only gonna make things worse. Bradley: I'm not normal. I'll never be normal! Butters: You're perfectly normal, Bradley. Director: Get back! You're just as confused as he is! Butters: [gets angry] All right. All right that does it! [turns around and faces the crowd] I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! [Bradley listens] You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused! Bradley: Yeah. Butters: I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself! [Bradley thinks about this] Bradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now. Director: He's coming down! [everyone begins to chatter] We did it! [stops by Bradley as Bradley climbs back onto the bridge's road] Through the power of Christ we have saved this child! Stephen: Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change. Butters: No. I like bein' bi-curious. Stephen: Well you know somethin'? So do I. [they both have a good laugh about it] Butters: Wait. Now I am confused. Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman continues his presentation Cartman: And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial. [everyone gasps] Bebe: Eww! Clyde: [long pause] Dude. Cartman: Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft. Mrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?! Cartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that- Mr. Mackey: [at the door] Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother? [reads the message] "Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk." She said you'd know what that means, m'kay? [walks away. Cartman stands there looking at the door, then at the class. Kyle has a look of pity for Cartman on his face and blinks] Cartman: [longer pause] ...Lame.
Erin: Andy's coming back today! Andy's coming back today! Ha! Andy's coming back today. David Wallace sent him on an outward bound wilderness adventure for a whole month to make him more decisive and confident. He sent his own son too. And the counselors said they both grew up, big time. Dwight: How was my summer? It was pretty mixed. I invented a new power drink made out of beet runoff. Mmm, mmm! So that's really good. But I got some disappointing medical news. Doctor: Mr. Schrute, the results are in. You are not the father. Angela: I told you [Dwight vomits power drink on Angela] Kevin: Oh, what a summer! An emotional roller-coaster. I ran over a turtle in the parking lot, but then I saved him by gluing his shell back together. But I'm not that good at puzzles. Oscar: [as Kevin reassembles shell] That piece doesn't go there. [Kevin shushes him] Kevin: So I patched him with stuff from around the office. But I couldn't get the pieces to fit right. Then one day, when I was reaching for the glue, I crushed his shell again. But I rebuilt him even better that time. But it turned out the turtle was already day. Probably when I ran over him the first time. Pam: For us, um, nothing new, really the kids are great. Jim: You are really good at modesty. She's a genius. She painted this incredible mural in the kids' room. There's a hippo leading a parade of 500 children' Pam: Kay, well, you had that interesting thing. Jim: Oh, yeah Pam: Yes, Jim's friend is starting anew company based on this idea Jim had when they were back in college. Jim: Its sports marketing basically. But the athletes are partners. Pam: And he wanted Jim to be a part of it too. Jim: In Philly, so, that doesn't really work for the family. Watch this guy make a billion dollars off my idea. Pam: He said if it takes off he's gonna buy us a new car. Jim: An Altima or better. Toby: Kelly Kapoor is gone. Her fianc�� Ravi was hired as a pediatrics professor at Miami university. Kelly: [tossing out winter coats] I don't need em anymore. I am going to Miami biotches. To hang with Lebron James and Gloria Estefan. Toby: Miami University in Ohio. On her last day, Kelly was still a little confused about it Kelly: Enjoy the snow losers. Erin: I'm so happy for you Kelly. Toby: Shortly after Kelly left, Ryan quit and also moved to Ohio, for what he claimed were unrelated reasons. Ryan: I've actually done a lot of market research and it actually turns out that southwestern Ohio is going to be the next Silicon Valley. They call it the Silicon Prairie. It's a big university town. And, uh, that's not garbage, it's out clothes. Pam: And that was our summer. Jim: we good? Off-camera: Yeah Pam: Don't you guys have everything. I mean, its just a paper company. Off-camera: Well we're more following you guys, to see how you turn out. Pam: Oh, yeah, because we were kind of dramatic in the beginning. Well I don't think anything's gonna change in our lives now. With work and two kids there's just-nothing interesting is going to happen for us in a long, long time. Erin: Andy's coming back today! Clark: Hey, uh, does anybody know where we throw these out? Stanley: Oh, my god. It's called a garbage can. Phyllis: Helpless. Toby: There's two new guys back there with me now. They're in their 20s. And we really get along. Clark: [Playing computer game with Toby] You're looking good. Toby: Just three single guys. Getting into trouble. Stanley: They're like the new Jim and Dwight. Nellie: Oh, yes, yes I see that! Perfect. Meredith: Hey, new Jim, come sit on my face. Pete: No thank you. My name's Pete. Jim: No, Pete is not the new Jim. The only we have in common is that neither of us wants to sit on Meredith's face. And if that makes him the new Jim, then every human being in the world is the new Jim. Erin: Andy's here! Old Dwight, new Dwight, Andy's here. New Jim, Tuna, Andy's here. Pam, he's here. [squeals as Andy walks in] Andy: Hey! Wow, I thought about this place a lot when I was on solo. Three days on a mountain, it'll change you. The things we think we need. Clocks, yeah right! Nellie: It sounds amazing, tell us all about it. Andy: What're you still doing here? Nellie: Wonderful, thanks. Andy: You know I had this really funny dream during Outward Bound that you died. Nellie: Brilliant. Andy: See me in my office later. The new guys, alright. It's Clark and, um' Pete: Pete! Andy: In Outward Bound it was all about nicknames. They called me Iceman. You will be called Plop. Pete: What? Why? Andy: Cause you're always taking dumps. Pete: No I'm not. Andy: Come on, everybody defecates. Relax, Plop. And you will be called Fart cause you fart all the time. Clark: I love it. Darryl: Actually, Andy, we call this one Dwight, Jr. Clark: No, I prefer Fart. Andy: No, Dwight Jr. Infinitely better. You guys look exactly alike. Dwight go stand next to him. This is insane. Dwight: I don't see it. Clark: I don't either. Andy: Whoa! Mind blown. It's like father and son! Dwight, you cool if we call him Dwight Jr? Dwight: Yes, yes I am. [puts his arm around Clark] Andy: Dwight, Jr! [Dwight gives Clark a noogie] Dwight: In a way it's like I have a son. And who knows? Maybe someday they'll hire someone who looks like a younger version of him. And then I'll have a grandson. Angela: Well, I need to give my cat up for adoption. Kevin: The one who uses the doorbell, or the one with the Mexican hat, or the one with the rain galoshes, or the one you let go around naked? Kevin: Angela's cats are cute. So cute that you just want to eat them. But you can't eat cats. You can't eat cats, Kevin. Angela: No, the one with the long hair and the denim pants, Comstock! Ok, look [starts playing video on computer]. He's such a special kitty. I just want to find him a good home. He loves those pants Kevin: I'll take him. Angela: Please, after the turtle? Kevin: I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle! Angela: Oscar, Oscar, will you take him? Oscar: No, I'm a dog person. Angela: If you pray enough, you can change yourself into a cat person. Oscar: Those guys always change back, Angela. Andy: David, outward bound was incredible. I was the best at slack lining, I ate a worm. David: Glad to hear it. You sound very confident and decisive. Toby: Hey you wanted to see me? Andy: Yeah, I gotta go David. [hangs up phone] Why is Nellie still here? Toby: You can only fire Nellie for cause. Andy: Mm, then I will make up a cause. Toby: Except you just told me you were gonna make it up. Now if she sues, I have to testify against you. Andy: Then forget I just told you that. Toby: Can't. I took a course at the Weintraub Memory Academy. I sat next to this woman named Beverly Brook. She had a Greek salad for lunch. See what I mean? Andy: Now I know why Michael hated you so much. Dwight: Good boy, getting big and strong. Snack foods! Clark: Yep, body by Cheez-it Dwight: Ah, humor. I have it too. I have a couple tickets to the slayer concert 10 months from now. You interested? Clark: I think I'm busy that night. Or I would. Dwight: Well, we're both just kinda learning as we go, aren't we? Clark: Learning what? Dwight: Just how this going to be, you know? You have a beautiful round head. Clark: Kay. Dwight: So what kind of farming you into, huh? You more of a fruit man or a root man? Clark: Is this'is this like code for gay stuff? Cause if so, that's totally fine. Like, I'm fine with it. But you should know that I'm into the ladies. Dwight: Spoken like a true root man. Clark: You know, if you're ever swamped, I could make some sales calls for you. Dwight: My calls? Clark: So could you give me a list of all your clients? Or just the leads that you haven't had time to pursue yet? Dwight: You want a list of my clients? You want my leads? Clark: Yeah, I'll just give it a glance' Dwight: Ok Clark: I'll give it a read. Dwight: With my leads and stuff like that? Clark: Yeah. Dwight: Cause you're interested in going into sales? Clark: I am. Dwight: Wow, that's great. That's great. Ok, good, let's talk about that, ok? Clark: Ok. Dwight: You're not getting my clients! Nice try. Dwight: Paranoid? I'm not familiar with the word. And I really don't have time to learn new words right now, ok? A pudgy 22-year-old is trying to take my job. Dwight: Jim, get ready for the battle of your life. Jim: Done. Explain. Dwight: The new guys. Dwight Jr is after my job. Yeah. There is a shark hiding inside that adorable little cherub. Jim: Oh, now I get what Pete was talking about at the sales meeting yesterday. Dwight: Wait, sales'what sales meeting? Jim: The new guys called one. Dwight: The new guys called a sales meeting? Jim: Clark ended the whole thing with a karate demonstration. Did you know there was a belt above black? Dwight: There's no belt above black. Is there a belt above black? Jim: You should ask him. It's a color you would never expect. [Dwight storms off] Too easy. Angela: Attention everyone. Comstock is still available. Oscar has been flirting with adopting him. But still hasn't given me a definite yes or no. Oscar: Definitely no. Angela: Fine. For any interested candidates, I will be conducting 20 minute interviews. My ideal situation would an independently wealthy cute couple with a strong commitment to education. Black or white, I'm fine with either, but not both. [to Pam] Listen, you're in this, but you need to wow me, ok? Andy: I wanted to talk to you about our working relationship this year. It's going to be terrible. Nellie: Not necessarily Andy: No I'm going to make sure that it is. And if it isn't, I'm going to take immediate action to rectify that. Now, I don't like to throw around the b-word, but I'm going to be a huge bitch to you. Andy: Now this is called slack lining. Andy: I set up the old slack line to teach the office the skills of focus and discipline. Or in the case of certain individuals, the skills of humiliation and looking really dumb. Andy: If you make it all the way across, your confidence will soar. But, if you Toby out, then you'll feel like a real Nellie. How about a hand, screw those guys. Now, these are my actual Outward Bound counselors, Rafe and Feather. Rafe: Iceman. Andy: That's me. The powder is for your protection, Feather has permanent athlete's foot. Feather, show them how you dance upon the line of slack. Jim: You a sports fan? Pete: Sure, boxing, tennis. Jim: Oh. Any team sports? Pete: NASCAR. The Amazing Race. Jim: Phillies fan, though, right? Pete: You mean horses? Jim: No, like baseball. A baseball team. Pete: Ah, I like the Red Sox. I'm from Vermont. Jim: Ok. Good talk. Jim: I have nothing in common with Plop. Andy: All right, who's next? Nellie? Nellie: Oh, I would rather watch you and your talented friends. Andy: Nonsense. Get up here. Kevin: Go ahead Andy: Come on. Uh, are you gonna wear your heels? Nellie: I'm very self-conscious about my feet. Andy: Ok, sure. There ya go. Atta girl. Hey, alright. Whoa! [pushes Nellie off slack line] You suck. Alright, who's next? Darryl? Darryl: This seems like the kind of thing white people with dreadlocks do. Andy: Dwight Jr? This looks like your speed. Clark: Uh, I guess I could give it shot. Andy: Yeah, come on. Get up here. Just hop on up. Clark: Ok Andy: Focus on the horizon. [Clark successfully walks the slack line] Whoa! Look at this guy. Clark: I've always been good at anything that required balance. My doctor says I have gigantic inner ears. Darryl: Go, Dwight Jr! Andy: Hey, yes. Dwight: Boo, unimpressed. It's a tightrope for babies. Boo! Clark: Alright, let's see you do it. Andy: Alright. Let me show you how a real man walks across a flaccid cord. Andy: Ooh! Who ordered the hot apple fail? Dwight: Ok, I am just getting started, ok? Clark: You got this, it's all you. [as Dwight repeatedly fails and gets smacked around] Got ourselves a yard sale. Balls in face. It's not a race, Dwight. Andy: Well it's official. Old Dwight is lame and New Dwight is cool. Dwight: [bleeding heavily from the mouth] That's not true. Just give me another chance. Oscar: But your mouth is ble' Toby: This is a bloodbath. Alright, I'm calling this. Dwight: What? Toby: It is enough of this. Everyone, let's go back to work. Dwight: This is a stupid activity. I would be embarrassed to be good at it. [tries to go in locked door] Idiots. Dwight: Slack lining, please. Untie that rope, give it to a couple of pig-tailed school girls, let them start jumping with it while chanting a rhyme and giggling about boys. Doesn't seem so macho now, does it? It's a jump rope! Pam: Dwight! Dwight: Pam? Hey come up here, up the ladder. Come on. Pam: [sees trapeze contraption] What are you doing? Dwight: Come here, I'll show you. Angela: Why do you want this cat? Pete: I don't want it, really. Angela: How would you support the cat? What are your ambitions? Pete: I want to start my own business. I want to be a millionaire. Lots of things. Travel, make the world a better place, earn an MBA at night. Angela: Have you taken any concrete steps? Pete: Well, I'm still just fitting in here, you know? Getting used to the new job. But, definitely on the agenda. But that is a good idea, Angela. I should make a list. Jim: Oh, come on, Pete! God, that's just sad. If he doesn't watch himself, he's gonna be here for years, doing nothing. [sober realization] Wow, maybe Pete is the new Jim. Dwight: Do you see how the trapeze completely surrounds the wire? That means it's literally impossible for anyone to fall off. So you will merely sit below and be my counterweight as I pedal across the parking lot to that telephone pole. Pam: I will? Dwight: You will. Yeah we weigh about the same, wouldn't you say? Pam: Sure, if you weigh 105 pounds. Dwight: So you'll do it? Pam: No. Dwight: Come on, this will be the only thrill of your boring life. Pam: Dwight, you may find this hard to believe, but I love my boring life. Dwight: Come on. Pam: Exactly the way it is. Dwight: No, Pam. Pam: Yes, and there's nothing you could say that would get me to run the slightest risk of losing it. Dwight: Please? Please, Pam? Pam: Find someone else, I don't know. Ask Phyllis. Dwight: I can't use Phyllis. Are you kidding me? The moment she steps off this bar I'll be launched into space. God, you're so insensitive. Pete: Why are you getting rid of it? Angela: Allergies. Pete: Your husband? Angela: No, the baby. Please, it's my husband's favorite cat. He's broken up about it. It's the only time I've seen him cry other than our wedding night. Oscar: You know what? I will take Comstock. Angela: Really? Oh, Oscar, thank you! Oscar: I'll come by after work and pick him up. Angela: Yay! Oh, poor Robert. He won't get to say goodbye. He has this business dinner tonight Oscar: C'est la vie. Angela: Please don't teach the cat French. Oscar: [on phone] Yeah. Good news, tonight when you come over for dinner, you can play with your old buddy Comstock. Pam: You ready? Jim: Yeah. You know what? I'll meet you down there. Just gotta make a quick call. Pam: Kay. Dwight: Ok. [prepares bike trapeze]Oh, god. Dwight: Attention, employees of Dunder Mifflin. Everyone thinks the new guys are so cool cause they can slack line. Boo. Hey Clark, this is what a areal salesman looks like. They say that you only live once and I'm about to prove it. Dwight Schrute! Jim: Hey, man. It's halpert. Did you go to the other guy yet? Great, don't. I'm in. Yeah, yep, I'm all in. Ok, talk to you soon. Bye. [hangs up] Yeah! Dwight: Woo! [starts pedaling out until trapeze bike flips over, he dangles from the handlebars] Ahh!! Creed: In the parking lot today there was a circus. The copier did tricks on the high-wire, a lady tried to give away a baby that looked like a cat. There was a Dwight impersonator and a Jim impersonator; a strong man crushed a turtle. I laughed and I cried. Not bad for a day in the life of a dog food company. Meredith: Crap. Sorry, Nellie. Nellie: Once again, I understand that old habits die hard, but if everyone would kindly walk their refuse to the trash bins instead of tossing them, then we would'[hit in the face with trash] Stanley: Mm, swish. Nellie: Oh, it's nothing to do with me. I just happen to be sitting near to where the bins are. Andy: There are two things that I am passionate about. Recycling and revenge. Nellie: [As trash is thrown at her] Fluke.
Bashir: I thought you said you'd started straightening this place up. O'Brien: You should've seen it before. Bashir: Keiko's shuttle will be here before we know it. We should have left the holosuite hours ago. O'Brien: What, and let the Jerries cross the channel? Never. Bashir: It is sort of a shame to pack all this stuff away O'Brien: I wish we didn't have to. Bashir: It's like sculpture. A monument to your year as a bachelor. O'Brien: I suppose it is. Bashir: Who are we to dismantle this piece of art? O'Brien: I don't know. But if we don't, Keiko will dismantle me. Molly: Daddy! O'Brien: Hi, sweetie! Keiko: Hi. Keiko: The one good thing about going away is coming home. O'Brien: I never want to be apart like that again. Molly: Daddy! Daddy! I have a little brother! O'Brien: Really? Is that him? Molly: No. He's in there. Keiko: Surprise. O'Brien: A baby? Keiko: Yeah. I thought you'd be happy. I mean, we talked about it and decided we'd start trying. O'Brien: Oh, I know. But your last visit, you were only here the one night. I thought it'd take a couple of nights. To be honest, a lot more nights. Keiko: I guess we just got lucky this time. O'Brien: I guess so. Kira: Vedek Porta. Porta: Nerys. So this is where you are when you're not at the Temple. Very impressive. Kira: Haven't you ever been to Ops? Porta: What business would an old monk have here except maybe helping a young couple to meet the Emissary. Are you sure this is a good time? Kira: I think he'll be able to fit you in. Latara: Thank you so much for doing this, Major. Kira: Oh, I'm glad to. Sisko: They can take the Rubicon. Sisko: Come in. Kira: Vedek Porta's here with a young couple that just got married. They're hoping to get the Emissary's blessing. Sisko: Bring them in. Dax: You remember the words? Sisko: The marriage blessing? I think so. Latara: Emissary. We're very grateful to you for seeing us. Sisko: Not at all. Now, if you'll just join hands. Zhia'kala, tareh anu suur. Tevon akalu rez kavor. Matana kel. Latara: Thank you. Thank you very much. Porta: Your accent is getting much better, Emissary. Sisko: I'm glad to hear it. Dax: It isn't that bad, is it, being the Emissary? A few ceremonies, an occasional blessing. Sisko: I didn't say it was that bad. It's just hard getting used to being a religious icon. Dax: Really? I think I'd like it. Kira: Kira to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Kira: You'd better get out here. There's something coming through the wormhole. Sisko: A lightship. Kira: I don't know where it came from. According to remote sensors it never entered the wormhole. Dax: From these readings I'd say that ship's about three hundred years old. Sisko: Lifesigns? Dax: There's someone on board. A Bajoran. Sisko: Try hailing them. Kira: No response. Dax: Whoever's in there could be injured. Sisko: Tractor the ship into transporter range and beam the passenger directly to the infirmary. Bashir: He's a little disoriented. Sisko: I'm Captain Benjamin Sisko. You're aboard a Federation Space Station near Bajor. This is Kira Nerys, my First Officer. Kira: Who are you? Akorem: I am the Emissary. Akorem: I was headed back to Bajor. My lightship was caught in an ion storm. It nearly tore it apart. A girder came loose from the bulkhead and impaled me through the shoulder here. I remember thinking I was going to die, alone in space, when a strange opening appeared in the sky. I was terrified at first, and then I realized what was happening. The Prophets were opening the gates of the Celestial Temple and drawing me to them. Sisko: What happened then? Akorem: It's difficult to describe. They took the form of people that I know, my grandfather, my brother, so that they could communicate with me. Sisko: You spoke to them? Akorem: I didn't have to. I could sense their understanding, their grace. I've never felt such bliss. And then they healed me. A light washed over me and then my wound was gone. They gave me back my life. I felt reborn. Sisko: When exactly did you leave Bajor? Akorem: Oh, it couldn't have been more than a few days ago. Sisko: What was the year? Akorem: Ninety one seventy four. Kira: That was over two hundred years ago. Akorem: Two hundred years? My wife, my parents, they're gone. Bashir: If you give us your name, maybe we can contact your descendants, let them know you're alive. Akorem: Akorem. Akorem Laan. But I have no descendants. My brother died last winter and my wife and I never had children. Kira: Akorem Laan, the poet? Akorem: I'm a poet, yes. Kira: You wrote Kitara's Song and The Call of the Prophets. Akorem: You know my work? Kira: You're considered one of the greatest poets of Bajor. Every schoolchild can recite Gaudaal's Lament from memory. Akorem: People still read my work after all this time? Perhaps that's part of the Prophets' plan for me. Sisko: Their plan? Akorem: It's not clear to me yet why they made me their Emissary, but I know that they gave me back my life for a reason. Sisko: Akorem, a great deal has happened since you've been gone. Maybe Major Kira can spend some time filling you in. Akorem: Major Kira? Kira: That's right. Akorem: But your family would be part of the artist D'jarra. Bashir: D'jarra? Kira: Bajor used to have a strict caste system. A person's work was dictated by what family they were born into. Akorem: You no longer follow your D'jarras? Kira: When the Cardassians occupied Bajor we gave up the D'jarras so that we could fight them. We all became soldiers. Akorem: The Cardassians occupied Bajor? Kira: For over fifty years. Akorem: It seems you're right, Captain. A great deal has happened since I've been gone. Sisko: If you look at the prophecies about the Emissary, a lot of them make more sense with Akorem in the picture. Dax: Really? Sisko: Every text I've read says the Prophets will name their Emissary by calling him to them, that he would find the Celestial Temple, that there the Prophets would give him back his life. Dax: Go on. Sisko: They didn't give me back my life. Dax: Not literally, but they did help you get your life back together. Sisko: True enough. But I wasn't the first one to find the wormhole, or to meet the Prophets. Akorem was. Dax: Benjamin, I thought you didn't believe in the prophecies. Sisko: I don't. Dax: Then why are you using them to justify giving up your position? Sisko: I guess I was looking for something to convince me that I was making the right decision. Dax: So your mind's made up. You're going to step aside. Sisko: Akorem will make a far better Emissary than I ever was. He's Bajoran, he's a revered poet, and he wants the job. Besides, Starfleet will be thrilled. They never liked the idea that the Bajorans saw me as a religious figure. Dax: How do you know the Bajorans will accept Akorem as their new Emissary? Sisko: I talked to Vedek Porta. He seemed to think that as long as I make it clear that I'm stepping aside voluntarily, they will. Dax: So you're off the hook. How does it feel? Sisko: It feels good. No more ceremonies to attend, no more blessings to give, no more prophecies to fulfilll. I'm just a Starfleet officer again. All I have to worry about are the Klingons, the Dominion and the Maquis. I feel like I'm on vacation. Bashir: Chief! Congratulations, dad. O'Brien: You heard. Bashir: Great news, my friend. Come and have a drink. Celebrate. O'Brien: I really should be getting home. Bashir: Oh, just one. O'Brien: All right. Bashir: Quark, did you hear? Chief O'Brien is having a baby. Quark: I thought your females carried your young. O'Brien: My wife. My wife is having the baby. Quark: Congratulations. I remember when my nephew Nog was a baby. Cutest thing you ever saw. You know babies. Every little thing they pick up goes straight into their ears. I used to love reading to him. You know, See Brak acquire. Acquire, Brak, acquire. Bashir: Just think, soon there'll be two little O'Briens scampering about underfoot. O'Brien: Hard to believe, isn't it. Bashir: Mind you, they do say the second one is easier. Since you've already been through the diapers and the endless crying and the sleepless nights. O'Brien: Yeah. Bashir: Cheers. O'Brien: Oh, cheers. Bashir: Something wrong, Chief? O'Brien: No. Nothing at all. Couldn't be happier. Quark: Did you hear? Keiko's going to have another baby. Worf: Now? O'Brien: No, seven months. Worf: I see. O'Brien: Worf delivered Molly, you know. Bashir: Really? O'Brien: The Enterprise was damaged. Keiko and he were trapped together when her time came. Bashir: Oh, well I'll be sure and call you when she's ready to deliver. You can lend a hand. Worf: Seven months? Unfortunately, I will be away from the station at that time. Far away. Visiting my parents. On Earth. Excuse me. Bashir: I don't know who's more anxious about this baby, you or Worf. O'Brien: The thing is, Julian, now that Molly's a little older, I was hoping to being able to spend some time with Keiko again. I thought we could, I don't know, go out at night. Don't get me wrong, I know once I'm hold my little baby in my arms I'll be the happiest man in the world, but I wasn't expecting it to happen so soon. How about a game of darts? Bashir: Don't you have to get home? O'Brien: Yeah. Odo: Major. Come to see Akorem speak? Kira: The Emissary's first public appearance? I wouldn't miss it. Odo: I'm surprised to hear you call him that. Kira: Why? Akorem Laan was, is a great man. He's been with the Prophets for over two hundred years, and now they've sent him back to us. Odo: Yes, but two days ago you believed Captain Sisko was the Emissary. Kira: Well, he made it clear he wants to step aside. Odo: Does that mean he never really was the Emissary? Kira: No. Odo: But they can't both be. Kira: I don't know. What do you want from me, Odo? Odo: Forgive me, Major, I don't mean to be difficult, but your faith seems to have led you to something of a contradiction. Kira: I don't see it as a contradiction. Odo: I don't understand. Kira: That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it, you can't understand it, and if you do, no explanation is necessary. Akorem: Ever since the Prophets returned me to my people, I've asked myself the same questions over and over again. Why did they keep me with them for so long? Why did they return me to my Akorem: People now? I now know the answers. Bajor suffered a great wound while I was with the Prophets. The Cardassian occupation. The Bajor I have returned to has lost its way. People no longer follow the path the Prophets have laid out for them. They no longer follow their D'jarras. Artists have become soldiers. Priests have become merchants. Farmers have become politicians. Akorem: We must heal the wounds of the occupation. We must return to our D'jarras. We must reclaim what we were and follow the path the Prophets have laid out for us. It is their will that the farmers return to their land, painters to their canvasses, priests to their temples. If we do this, if we follow our D'jarras, then Bajor will flourish again and become the green and peaceful land I remember. It will be as if the occupation never happened. By returning to our D'jarras, we will have erased it forever. Sisko: I wanted to talk to you before you left for Bajor. Akorem: Of course. Sisko: I was surprised by your speech. I had no idea you were going to advocate change on such a massive scale. Akorem: It's what the Prophets want for Bajor. It's why they sent me. Sisko: Are you sure of that? Akorem: Absolutely. Porta: The Emissary knows that what he's proposing will be difficult for some people to accept. He doesn't expect things to change overnight. Sisko: So, you're going to ask First Minister Shakaar to step down and go back to farming? Akorem: No, of course not. But, frankly, by the next election, I doubt very many people will left on Bajor who would elect a farmer to political office. Porta: We hope that eventually the people will support enforcement of the D'jarras by legal sanction. Sisko: So if someone defies their caste? Akorem: Society will have appropriate remedies at it's disposal, such as deportation. Sisko: You realize that caste-based diskrimination goes against the Federation charter. If Bajor returns to the D'jarra system, I have no doubt that its petition to join the Federation will be rejected. Akorem: Kai Winn and I have already discussed it. We're willing to make that sacrifice in order to follow the will of the Prophets. Sisko: I had a feeling Winn would see it that way. Porta: Well, the Emissary's transport leaves shortly. Sisko: As a Starfleet Officer, I am bound by oath not to interfere with Bajoran affairs. But, as a friend to Bajor, I have to say giving up Federation membership would be a mistake. Akorem: Your pagh is strong. I see now why Kai Opaka believed you were the Emissary, and why Winn fears you. Goodbye, Captain. Sisko: Goodbye Emissary. Sisko: Morning. Kira: I guess I'll have to take my raktajino with me. Jia: Please, sit here. Kira: You're not finished. Jia: I'll find someplace else to sit. Kira: You don't have to get up for me. Jia: You're Ih'valla. I'm Te'nari. Sisko: It's been going on all morning whenever someone with a higher ranking D'jarra comes in. Kira: I guess I'll have to start getting used to being treated like that. Sisko: I remember when I got promoted to lieutenant. It took me a while to get used to being called sir by my friends who were still ensigns. Kira: That's different. You'd earned the right to be treated with respect. I haven't done anything. Sisko: Sounds like you have some reservations about bringing back the D'jarras. Kira: I have some questions, sure. The Emissary is asking something very difficult of us, but we have to have faith that he's guiding us toward something. Sisko: Even if what he's guiding you towards doesn't include the Federation? Kira: It's not our place to question the Emissary. Sisko: No matter what? Kira: Maybe you never realized this, Captain, but we would've tried to do whatever you asked of us when you were Emissary, no matter how difficult it seemed. I'd better get to Ops. Opaka: Who are you? Sisko: Kai Opaka. Opaka: Who are you? Sisko: What are you doing here? How did you Opaka: Who are you? Sisko: Don't you know me? Opaka: Know you? How can I know someone who doesn't know himself? Bashir: I think you had what the Bajorans call an Orb Shadow. Sometimes people who've been exposed to the Orbs of the Prophets experience hallucinations weeks, even months later. Sisko: What triggers them? Bashir: An excess of neuropeptides. I can give you an inhibitor to make sure it never happens again. Of course, if I do, you risk never finding out. Sisko: Finding out what? Bashir: The Bajorans believe you only have a Shadow experience when you ignore what the Prophets have been trying to tell you during an Orb encounter. Sisko: Interesting. Bashir: So, any idea what they might have been trying to tell you? Sisko: Sure. That I have too many neuropeptides rolling around in my head. Porta: A bird is a difficult thing to sculpt. Maybe you should have started with something simpler. Come in, come in. Services are about to begin. Kira: But I can tell I have no aptitude for it. Porta: That's because you didn't give yourself over to what you were doing. Kira: How can you say that? I was up half the night. I have a flock of flightless birds in my quarters. Porta: But you're still wearing that uniform. You're still clinging to a false life. You must do what the Emissary has asked and follow your D'jarra with all your heart. Because if you give yourself over to the Prophets, they will guide you along the path they've chosen for you. And you'll know more joy than you ever thought possible. O'Brien: Attagirl! Good shot, Molly. Molly: Did I win? O'Brien: We're just practicing. We'll play a game later. Try another one. Keiko: Miles? O'Brien: Oh. That's mine. Don't worry, I only wear it in the holosuites. Keiko: I suppose Julian has one, too. You two certainly spent a lot of time in the holosuites. O'Brien: Well, you should be glad. It kept me out of trouble. Keiko: Remind me to thank Julian next time I see him. O'Brien: Want to try for twins? Keiko: I don't think it works that way. You'd better brush up on your biology. O'Brien: Teach me. Molly: Look, I drew a pony. O'Brien: Oh, let's see. Does your pony have a name? Molly: I don't know. Keiko: Miles, I still have a lot of specimens I've got to catalog for the survey. O'Brien: Go ahead. I'll play with Molly. Keiko: Oh, Miles, it's good to be home. O'Brien: Come on, Molly. Let's play darts. Now, remember what I said about the right way to stand? Let's try again. Molly: I don't want to. O'Brien: Can daddy color, too? Molly: I'm coloring. Kira: The four-shift rotation also seems to be improving performance. Less mistakes due to fatigue. Sisko: Fine, let's make the change permanent. Anything else? Kira: I was wondering if in the next few days you would have the time to meet with Major Jatarn. Sisko: Sure. Kira: Is something wrong, sir? Sisko: I'm sorry. I just received a communiqué from Starfleet Command responding to my report on the Bajoran situation. Kira: That bad? Sisko: Not yet. But I can read between the lines. I was sent here to help bring Bajor into the Federation. That doesn't look like much of a possibility anymore. As far as Starfleet is concerned, I have failed my mission. Kira: That's not fair. It's not your fault. Sisko: It is from where they're sitting. The irony is Starfleet was always trying to get me to distance myself from this Emissary business. And now that I have Kira: Maybe I could talk to First Minister Shakaar about sending Starfleet a communiqué explaining Sisko: Thanks, it'll blow over. It's not that. I guess I'm just feeling I did fail. Kira: Sir. Sisko: Anyway, why did you want me to meet Jatarn? Kira: We can talk about that another time. Sisko: What is it, Major? Kira: I think he'd make an excellent First Officer. As soon as you find someone to take my post, I'm going to resign my commission. Sisko: To follow your D'jarra. Kira: I'm planning to move back to the Dahkur province, There are a lot of artists who live in the capital and I have a friend there who's willing to apprentice me. I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is add to your problems, but this is something I have to do. If you don't hit it off with Major Jatarn, I can think of a few other people. It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to replace me. Sisko: I don't doubt I can find someone to fill your post. But to replace you? O'Brien: Computer, time. Computer: Nineteen twenty-one hours. O'Brien: Where's Doctor Bashir? Computer: Doctor Bashir is in Quark's bar. Bashir: Well, I'm chasing a triple seventeen and a bull, Morn. You've got some catching up to do. Chief! Excuse me. O'Brien: Julian. Bashir: How've you been? O'Brien: Not bad. You? Bashir: Oh, you know. All right. O'Brien: I was heading home, thought I'd stop in for a quick pint. Bashir: It's been a while, eh? O'Brien: Seems like weeks. I see you found someone to play darts with. I've set up a board in my quarters so Molly and I can play. Bashir: Well, Morn's er, he's pretty good. O'Brien: So's Molly. BASHIR + O'Brien: It's not the same. O'Brien: I mean, Molly's just a kid. We've been playing with magnets. Bashir: Morn couldn't hit a Yridian yak at five paces. O'Brien: You and I were evenly matched. Bashir: We had a good rivalry going on. O'Brien: Kept us sharp. Bashir: Exactly. Quark: You're late. O'Brien: What do you mean? Quark: It's Thursday. I've got your usual holosuite reserved. O'Brien: Didn't you cancel? Bashir: Actually, I was hoping maybe O'Brien: No, no, I've got to get home. Quark: What about you, Doctor? The Battle of Britain awaits. And you know my policy on cancelations. No refunds. O'Brien: Go ahead. Maybe Morn's better in the cockpit of a spitfire than he is at darts. Bashir: Wouldn't be the same. O'Brien: You're right. Morn probably doesn't even know where England is. I'll see you. Odo: Odo to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Odo: You'd better get down to the Promenade. Someone's been killed. Sisko: What happened? Kira: I don't know yet. Odo: He fell from the second level. His neck was broken on impact. Sisko: Did anyone see it happen? Porta: I did. Odo: Was it an accident? Porta: I pushed him. His family name is Imutta. Their D'jarra is unclean. Kira: They prepare the dead for burial. Porta: I asked him to set the proper example and resign from our order. He refused. Sisko: You killed him because of his D'jarra? Porta: I had to. If a Vedek can't do what the Emissary has asked of us, how can we expect anyone else to? Sisko: Get him out of here. Akorem: I regret what happened here today as much as you do, but change is never easy, and the road that the Prophets have asked us to walk won't always be a smooth one. Sisko: And forcing people to follow their D'jarras won't make it any smoother. What happened on the Promenade was just the beginning. Akorem: Must I remind you, Captain? I am merely fulfillling the will of the Prophets. Sisko: How do you know that? Akorem: I'm the Emissary. Sisko: And what you've done with the position has made me wish I had never given it up. Akorem: But you did, and it was the right decision. You never truly accepted the role in the first place. Sisko: I'm willing to accept it now. Akorem: You're challenging my claim? Sisko: You've left me no choice. Akorem: If we went to the people and asked them to choose between us, it would be chaos. Sisko: I don't want to divide Bajor any more than you do. Akorem: It wouldn't be divided for long. because in the end the people would choose me. My claim was foretold in the ancient texts. I was the first to find the wormhole. I was the first to be with the Prophets. They gave me back my life. Sisko: We're not going to settle this by arguing over ancient texts. Akorem: Then how? Sisko: There's only one way to be sure which one of us is the Emissary. We have to go to the wormhole and ask the Prophets. Sisko: Going to half thrusters. Akorem: Now what? Sisko: We wait. Kira: You are the Sisko. Bashir: This is the one that was injured. Akorem: Yes, I was. And you gave me back my life, just as the texts foretold. Porta: Why are you here? Akorem: To prove to this nonbeliever that you sent me to put Bajor back on the right path. Please, tell him you chose me to be the Emissary. Akorem: Tell him that I fulfillled the ancient Prophecies. That I was the first to find the Celestial temple. I was the first to meet with you. He came to you centuries later. Bashir: First. Later. Kira: They have no meaning to us. Sisko: The Bajorans believe you are their Prophets, that you've chosen one of us to be your Emissary. Odo: We are of Bajor. Sisko: Go on. Odo: They are linear. Kira: It limits them. Porta: They do not understand. Sisko: But we want to understand. That's why we're here. You saved his life. Why? Kira: He was injured. Bashir: We kept him with us. Akorem: So that I would be spared the occupation so that I could bring the D'jarras back to Bajor. Sisko: Is that true? Is that what you want? Porta: The D'jarras are part of what the Sisko would call the past. Kira: The Sisko taught us that for you, what was, can never be again. Akorem: If the D'jarras belong in the past, why did you send me into the future? Odo: For the Sisko. Sisko: For me? Akorem: You're saying that he's your Emissary? Bashir: He is the Sisko. Akorem: Then I've been wrong about everything. You should have let me die. Kira: We still can. Porta: We can return him to the moment we found him. Odo: Allow him to die. Sisko: No. Why not return him to his own time as he is now, uninjured, so that he can get back safely to Bajor? Odo: He would remember nothing of what has happened. Akorem: I could be with my wife my family. I'm ready to go home. Opaka: Why? Why do you stay here? Sisko: Because I still have questions. Opaka: We are of Bajor. Sisko: What does that mean? Opaka: You are of Bajor. O'Brien: You know, Molly really loves that book Jake gave her. She made me read it to her three times before she fell asleep. Keiko: I'm going to be working another few hours. O'Brien: That's okay I'll, er, I'll read. Keiko: If you want to go do something O'Brien: No, I'm fine. Keiko: Miles, I promised I wouldn't say anything, but it's about Julian. O'Brien: What about him? Keiko: I ran into him the other day and he seemed depressed. He'd never admit it, but he really misses you. O'Brien: Poor guy. No family to come home to every night. Keiko: Maybe you should go find him, you know, cheer him up a little. O'Brien: Depressed, is he? Keiko: Very. O'Brien: Maybe I should go spend an hour with him. Keiko: Maybe two. O'Brien: I'm a lucky man. Keiko: Keiko to Doctor Bashir. Bashir: Go ahead. Keiko: Julian, it's about Miles. Keiko: I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, but he's been really depressed lately. Bashir: Oh. Kira: I want you to have this. It's an original Kira Nerys. Could be very valuable one day. Sisko: I hear she didn't make many. Kira: I thought your speech went very well yesterday. It was the right thing to do. Sisko: I wanted everyone to know what happened to Akorem, and that the Prophets said nothing about returning to the D'jarras. Kira: Just about everyone was relieved to hear it. Bashir: It's your own fault. O'Brien: I can't believe you didn't cover me. Bashir: How was I to know you were going to insult the King of Leinster in his own keep? Sisko: I was just reading one of Akorem's poems, The Call of the Prophets. Kira: Oh, that's one of my favorites. It's a shame he never finished it. Sisko: He did. Look. Kira: This is confusing. The last time I read this poem it ended after the twelfth stanza. If the timeline's been changed, then why do I remember things the way they used to be? Sisko: The Prophets work in mysterious ways. Onara: Excuse me, sir. Sisko: Yes? Onara: I'm sorry to bother you but tomorrow, after evening services in the Temple we're having my daughter's ih'tanu ceremony. She's turning fourteen. Sisko: Happy Birthday. Onara: We were wondering if there's any chance you could come and give her your blessing. It would mean so much to us. Sisko: I'd be happy to. Onara: Thank you, Emissary. Sisko: You're welcome.
Fry: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothin' surprises me. Zoidberg: You stink, loser. Leela: Hey, Fry! Pizza goin' out. Come on! Fry: Alright. I'll take the red rocket. Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for... D. Frosted Wang? Not another crank delivery! Why don't I read these things ahead of time?! One time was funny. But, every week for ten years, not as funny. Ipji: True. Not as funny. But still somewhat funny. Fry: And... And then they burst out laughing a second time. I've been a delivery boy for a thousand years. Isn't there any room for promotion around here? Hermes: There'll be no promotions unless somebody dies. And, even then, only if we can bring 'em back as a zombie like Scruffy. Scruffy: Life and death are a seamless continuum. Fry: Well, could I at least get some encouragement? I could use a shot in the arm. I got shot in the leg! Bender: Roberto! What are you doin' here? Roberto: What? A fella can't drop in on ol' friends and hold 'em hostage? Zoidberg: I'm good! And you? Smitty: Attention, criminal Robot in the building. Smitty: Come out with your hands up. Bender: Never! Smitty: Uh, other guy. Roberto: Listen up, piggies! I want a hovercopter. And a non-marked sandwich. And a new face with, like, a... A Hugh Grant look. Roberto: And, every five minutes I don't get it, someone's gonna get stabbed in the ass! Zoidberg: He's bluffing. Ouch! Zoidberg: He's not bluffing! Url: You call for a chopper? Roberto: Nah. I specifically said hovercopter. Url: One chopper comin' up. Smitty: You know, URL. Sometimes it's almost too much for me. Url: You mean the respect we get and the high level of job satisfaction? Smitty: There's that, but I'm also talkin' about the non-stop promotions and the free hot ride. Leela: I do love a man in uniform. I mean a uniform that doesn't involve short pants. Fry: I can see I have no future here. My only option is to resign with dignity. Here are my shorts. Fry: Hello. I'd like to enrol in Police Academy. Policeman #1: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop? Fry: That's the plan. Policeman #1: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either. Fry: I can see that. You're quite a bit taller than me. Policeman #1: Welcome to Police Academy. Fry: Hi! I'm Fry. Brown Robot: I'm the Sound Effects 5000. Fry: Wow! That would be impressive if you were a Human! Sound Effects 5000: Yeah... Policeman #2: On your feet for Chief O'Mannahan. Chief O'Mannahan: At ease, cadets. I'll make this short and sweet 'cause I'm PMS-in' like a lumberjack. Police Academy is not for everybody. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But, if you got the vulva to stick it out, I'll be proud to call you ladies policemen. Fry: Sir! Yes, ma'am! Black-Haired Man: Yeah. That's great. Now can you actually turn on the ignition? Sound Effects 5000: I don't have any hands. Chief O'Mannahan: Well, it's that time of the month. Graduation Day. So grow up hair and put 'em together for our new officers. Amy: Woohoo! Bender: Hooray for the pigs! Chief O'Mannahan: Graduates, you are hereby officially cops. Now movin' along. Nothin' to see here. Zoidberg: Hooray! Free sky sticks! Ooh. Police brutality! Chief O'Mannahan: Nice... Alright. Before we head out, I'll be teaming up our new officers with their ironically matched partners. Sound Effects 5000, you'll be with Gretsky. Gretsky: Ow, my tinnitus! Chief O'Mannahan: Fry, due to the unfortunate loss of Officer Smith, you'll be riding with URL. Url: And Smitty was just a few days from retirement. Fry: Wuh- What happened? Url: He took a early retirement. Damn. Farnsworth: Let's get down to business. Amy: Aren't you gonna say Good news, everyone? Farnsworth: No, I just said that for Fry's benefit. May the poor fellow feel better about his pointless job. Hermes: As much as I miss 'im, he didn't really serve much purpose around here. Though he did walk Zoidberg. Farnsworth: In any case, I've improved on Fry by sticking some wheels on a board so Leela and Bender can easily make the next delivery without him. Bender: Neat. So where are we goin'? Farnsworth: Pandora. Leela: That dangerous, 3-D planet? Can't we just send our avatars? Farnsworth: No! It's cheaper just to have you die. Fry: Whoa! Fifteen miles over the speed of light. Url: That's a violation of the law of Lorentz invariance, baby. Fry: Light 'em up. Url: Look out for that particular individual. Dandy Jim: An electric wall, eh? I can't see the harm in peein' on that. Url: Whoa! Where my man learn that? Fry: SunnyD commercial. Url: Let's refract this sucker. Fry: DNA and career chip, please. Url: Erwin Schrödinger, huh? What's in the box, Schrödinger? Erwin Schrödinger: Um... A cat, some poison, und a caesium atom. Fry: The cat! Is it alive or dead? Alive or dead?! Url: Answer him, fool. Erwin Schrödinger: It's a superposition of both states until you open it and collapse the wave function. Fry: Says you. Url: There's also a lotta drugs in there. Leela: So... You're a Robot? Chief O'Mannahan: You boys did good. Nailed a major violator of the laws of Physics. Url: He's goin' down. Cat's gonna testify. Chief O'Mannahan: Guys like this really bust my uterus. You're both getting a promotion! Ever heard of the Future Crimes Division? Fry: Tomorrow I have. Leela: Oops. Leela: I can't make out a thing! Bender: Well, I guess you should've had two eyes! Leela: Just deliver the package and let's get outta here. Bender: Screw that! I ain't no delivery boy! I'm the company's chef. Leela: Oh! You're the chef, are you? Then why don't you make us something nice to eat? Bender: I'll make you something- Here's your damn peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Blond Man: Now that we can predict crimes with 99% accuracy, we can arrest most perpetrators before they even perpetrate anything. Fry: That's ridiculous. Only horoscopes can predict the future. Blond Man: That's what we used to think. Until we invented... This. Fry: Whoa! Url: Slowed on, baby. Blond Man: The cybernetic oracle. The ultimate man-machine hybrid. Programmed with every crime ever recorded and implanted with the brain cells of History's greatest detectives. We call 'im... Pickles. Fry: On account of it's like he's floating in a jar? Blond Man: Exactly. The oracle's visions are recorded on these coloured balls. Green is larceny. Black is fraud. Red, homicide. Fry: What's pink pocodots? Blond Man: Clown slaughter. It happens more often than you think. Clutter in the ball! Red ball, homicide! Fry: Woo! Blond Man: Suspect Male, six-foot-one, distinctive mustard stain on his forehead. Hattie: My kajigger! Blond Man: Victim Hattie McDoogal. Fry: Look! The clock says 5 08. It's 4 30 right now! Url: Uh-oh. We only have a half hour to chill out before we head over. Old Man: Oh, Hattie. When I look into your one good eye, I see a reflection of beauty. Hattie: Oh, fresh. Url: Freeze, fool. Fry: You're under arrest for future murder! Old Man: Ja? You can't arrest me for future murder after it's right-now murder! Hattie: My kajigger! So he didn't really wanna marry me? Url: Nah. See, he knew you'd left everything to your parakeets in your will. Fry: He was gonna murder you, marry your parakeets, and then poison them with an arsenic-laced cuttlebone. Url: Classic move. Aw, yeah. Chief O'Mannahan: Congratulations on your big bust. Fry: You too. Chief O'Mannahan: Keep it up and you boys might just make detective. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go drop a big one. Fry: Wow! I can't believe it. One more promotion and I'll be a real detective. Like Sherlock Holmes or Speed Buggy. Chief O'Mannahan: Eight pounds. I'm namin' 'er Bert! Url: Mazel tov, Chief. That's a beautiful bathroom baby. Url: Ain't you headin' home, Phil? Fry: In a minute. I just wanna finish this paperless work. Url: Don't stay up too late. We gotta lotta people to shoot tomorrow. Fry: Hello? Anyone? There's never a cop around when you need one. Female Voice: Green ball, larceny. Fry: The thief seems to be some sorta ghost. Or is he? Bender?! Hermes: Item seven. Our corporate tax rate remained unchanged this fiscal year. Amy: That's not funny. Hermes: It's not supposed to be funny. It's a business meetin'. Zoidberg: Things used to be funny around here! Noses were picked. Pants fell down. So what changed? Only Fry could say... And he's gone! Amy: Hey! Bender and Leela are back from Pandora. How was it? Leela: Awful. We had nothing to say to each other. So we had to listen to Bender's Eagles album for twenty-seven hours. Bender: Beats talkin' to you, "Witchy Woman". Hey, meatbag! Hermes: Look at you! Leela: Hubba-hubba. Your pants go almost all the way to your ankles! Fry: Good afternoon, individuals. Sir, would you mind stepping outta the building? Bender: Normally, when a cop asks me that, I spray whipped cream in his eyes and run away. But, to ditch these losers, gladly. Fry: Bender, be honest with me. Are you planning a big heist? Bender: Usually, but not at the moment. Fry: I only ask 'cause the oracle thinks you're gonna pull of a major theft next Thursday. Bender: Next Thursday, you say? Pray, continue. Fry: Are you familiar with this particular location? Bender: I may have a burgling familiarity with it. Fry: Does the word Maltese mean anything to you? Bender: The Maltese Liquor?! The strongest and most valuable malt liquor ever brewed! And soon it will be mine... I'm sorry. You were sayin'? Fry: Bender, I'm only tellin' you this so you can avoid committing the crime. Bender: "Avoid committing the crime". Got it. Fry: You wrote "Commit the crime"! Fry: There's gotta be some way to stop Bender. Maybe something in the oracle's prediction that I missed before due to incompetence. Wait. Who's the trigger-happy jerk? That's me. I recognise the face. Bender: You shot me. You miserable dingus! Fry: No! No! What have I will have done? Url: Man, that's heavy. Osmium heavy. Fry: Are you gonna turn me in for concealing evidence? Url: Say what? You're my partner, home-Fry. Besides, I got my own secrets. Chief O'Mannahan: Anything big worth checkin' out? Url: Just your big, jangly booty, baby. Chief O'Mannahan: See ya tonight, toots. Fry: You... And- And the Chief?! Url: We been gettin' it on. Right there in your chair. I'm like, "Oh, baby! Oh, baby!" And she's like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." Fry: I would never shoot Bender! Never! He taught me how to shave. Url: Revision ball. By decidin' not to shoot Bender, you created an alternate future. Fry: I could never shoot you! Never! You taught me how to shave. Fry: See? Fry: Just get outta here. Go! Url: Now dig the unintended consequences. Bender: My friends, let us share this booze in a toast to our dear friend, Bender. Oops. Url: The Maltese Liquor done destroyed their brains. Fools should've known it's fatal for anyone but Robots and Billy Dee Williams. Fry: So, if I don't shoot Bender, all my other friends will die?! Url: Fate is a freaky mistress. Much like the Chief. Look out! Fry: Somethin' is not right. I refuse to believe it. Rewind! Hedonism Bot: Ooh. Are you the calloused working man I ordered? Bender: Uh... Sure. Bender: In order to fix your leaky roof, I'll need to spend two or three hours down here in the wine cellar. Hedonism Bot: I'll be upstairs putting batteries and things. Bender: Whoa! The Maltese Liquor! Forty ounces of Heaven! Here, boy. This is for you. Ah! Invisible safe, eh? Aw, yeah, baby. Two-hundred-and-ten proof. Fry: That's all the proof I need. Put the bottle back! Bender: We both know I won't do that! Either you're gonna shoot me or I'm gonna spray whipped cream in your eyes and walk outta here like a big shot. Fry: Bender, no! You don't have to do something just 'cause it's gonna happen! The future's making a chump outta you! Bender: Oh, yeah?! Well, I'm gonna make a chump outta the future! I'm not stealin' anything. Fry: Yes! I stopped the crime without shooting you. The oracle was wrong! Male Voice: Was I? Fry: Pickles?! Pickles: Yes. It is I, Pickles! I set the whole thing up. Everyone will think Bender's the thief, while I make off with that glorious brew. Bender: Seriously? Why? Pickles: So I can kill my Human brain cells. Do you have any idea what a burden it is to know everything that will ever happen?! To never be surprised. To know the punch line of every joke hours in advance. Fry: Like watching Leno. Pickles: And that is why I faked the prediction of this crime. Nevertheless, stay with me here. Things will now happen just as I fake-predicted. Bender, you're going to hand me that bottle. Not that one! The real one. Which you switched when Fry stupidly looked away. Fry: Hey! Bender: Aw, man. Why do you gotta be so oracle-y? Pickles: Fry... You are going to shoot Bender, killing him and shattering the fake bottle. Just as I predicted. Do it! It is your destiny! Fry: Funny thing about destiny. Sometimes fate has other plans. Oh, nuts. Bender: You shot me! You miserable dingus! Pickles: And now the part I didn't show you. Everyone will think Bender killed you. And I walk away with a goofy juice. Finally... Blissful ignorance! I have no idea what's going to happen next! Fry: Did you get that, Chief? Chief O'Mannahan: We got it all from behind this prediction-proof glass. Pickles: But... How could you know my prediction was fake? Fry: I knew somethin' was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Then it hit me. You showed Bender sharing the deadly booze with our friends. Bender would never share! Bender: The very idea! Fry: So we set up this little charade based on an episode of Speed Buggy. Url: With the added benefit of me and the Chief bein' locked in a small room. Hedonism Bot: Shall we adjourn to the dungeon? Fry: Well, I got my shield for stopping Bender. But then I got fired for tipping off Bender. Farnsworth: Fry, we have no idea what you do around here, but we desperately need you back. Fry: Ruh- Really? Um, I don't suppose there's any chance I can get a promotion... Farnsworth: Sure! What the heck! I hereby promote you to... Executive delivery boy! Fry: Executive?! Hermes: It's a meanin'less title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves. Fry: I feel better about myself!
[Setting: Tim Whatley's apartment] Elaine: So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh? Jerry: Oh, sure. With out the parents, it's a breeze. Tim: Hey! Happy Chanukah! Jerry: Hey, Tim. Great party. Tim: (Suggesting a kiss to Elaine) eh? Elaine: (Shrugging it off) eh. Tim: (Accepting) Oh. (Turns to George) Hey, George, thanks again for getting me those Yankee tickets. George: Oh, yeah. Still in good with the ground crew. (Laghs) Tim: (Notices a woman walking by) Oh, hey, listen, I'd better circulate.. (moving over to the woman) Happy Chanukah, Tiffany! (they both move off camera) Elaine: This place is like Studio 54 with a menorah. George: I'm gonna get some more of these kosher cocktail franks.. (leaves) Elaine: Oh.. (sees a guy looking at her) I got denim vest checking me out. (laughs) Fake phone number's coming out tonight. Jerry: You have a standard fake? Elaine: Mm-hmm. Jerry: (Notices an attractive woman walking by, starts to follow her) That's neat. Elaine: (Holds onto Jerry's arm) No, please! Denim vest! He's smoothing it! Jerry! God! (Jerry excapes Elaine's grasp, moves over to the woman. The man wearing a denim vest moves over to Elaine.) Denim Vest: Hi! Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. Woman: Hi. JERRY You might not know it to look at me, but I can run really, really fast. Elaine: Nice vest. I like the.. big metal buttons Denim Vest: They're snaps. Listen, maybe we should, uh, go out some time? Elaine: Why don't I give you my phone number? [Setting: Coffee Shop] George: Hey. Jerry: Hey! How'd it go with the cocktail franks? George: Great! I ate the entire platter! Had to call in sick today. Jerry: Didn't you call in sick yesterday? George: Hey, I work for Kruger Industrial Smoothing "We don't care, and it shows." Jerry: (Notices George brought hhis mail) You're gonna open your mail here? George: Hey, at least I'm bringing something to this. (Starts flipping through envelopes, reads one ) "Have you seen me?" (Flicks it aside) Nope. (looks at next envelope) Woah, something from Whatley. Jerry: See? You give, and you get. George: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance."? Jerry: Oh, that's nice. George: I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying "I've given your gift to someone else!" Jerry: To a children's charity! George: Don't you see how wrong that is?! Where's your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye! Elaine: Hey! Jerry: Hey. Elaine: (To waitress) Oh, nothing for me. (Waitress leaves) I'm going to "Atomic Sub" later. Jerry: "Atomic Sub"? Why are you eating there? Elaine: I got a card, and they stamp it every time I buy a sub. 24 stamps, and I become a submarine (makes a gesture) captain. Jerry: What does that mean? Elaine: (Embarrassed) Free sub. Elaine: What? George: Nothing. It's a card from my dad. Elaine: What is it? (Grabs the card from George, he tries to stop her, but fails. She reads it out loud.) "Dear son, Happy Festivus." What is Festivus? George: It's nothing, stop it.. Jerry: When George was growing up.. George: (Interrupting) Jerry, No! Jerry: His father.. George: No! Jerry: Hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas, so he made up his own holiday. Elaine: Ohhhh.. and another piece of the puzzle falls into place. George: (pleading) Alright.. Jerry: And instead of a tree, didn't your father put up an aluminum pole? George: Jerry! Stop it! Jerry: And weren't there a feats of strength that always ended up with you crying? George: I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! ARe you happy now?! (Gathers his things, and runs out of the coffee shop. Elaine and Jerry laugh hysterically) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Elaine: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!.. Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest! Jerry: So? Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it! Jerry: No, you walk out. Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it. Jerry: No, you wait for the movie! Elaine: (Irritated, and through clinched teeth) I want that free sub. Jerry: You don't need the card. High-end hoagie outfit like that, it's all computerized! (Snaps) They're cloning sheep now. Kramer: (Correcting) No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show! Jerry: So, why don't you just try your blow-off number and see if he's called it? Elaine: That's a good idea. Kramer: (Answering phone) Yeah, Go! Wha.. really? Yeah, ok. Yeah! Bye. (Hangs up) Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work. Jerry: What strike? Kramer: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked. Jerry: You? Elaine: Worked? Jerry: Bagels? Kramer: Yeah. Look, see. I still have my business card. (Pulls it out, hands it to Elaine) Yeah, we've been on strike for 12 years. Elaine: Oh, I remember seeing those guys picketing out there, but I haven't seen them in a long time. Kramer: Yeah, well, H&H wouldn't let us use their bath room while we were picketing. It put a cramp on our solidarity. Elaine: What were your.. demands? Kramer: Yeah, 5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now. Elaine: I believe that's the new minimum wage. Kramer: Now you know who to thank for that!.. Alright, I've got to go. (Heads for the door) Jerry: Why didn't you ever mention this? Kramer: Jerry, I didn't want you to know I was out of work. It's embarrassing! (Leaves) (Scene ends) [Setting: H&H Bagel Shop] Kramer: All right, everybody! I'm back! Manager: Who are you? Kramer: Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over. Manager: Oh yeah! Kramer. Kramer: Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back? Manager: NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago. Kramer: Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for.. Manager: I could use someone for the holidays.. Kramer: Alright! Toss me an apron, let's bagel! (Takes off his coat, puts it in the display case, then turns to see a plate full of bagels.) What are those? Manager: Those are rasin bagels. Kramer: (Picks one up, he's mesmerized) I never thought I'd live to see that.. [Setting: Horse Track Betting] Elaine: So, anyway, I've been giving out your number as my standard fake. Bookie: So. You're Elaine Benes. We've been getting calls fro you for 5 years. Elaine: So, listen, when this guy calls, if you could just give him my real number.. Bookie: (Interrupting) Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes. Charlie: Elaine Benes?! Bookie: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man. Charlie: (faintly) I'm a man. Elaine: Ohh.. my.. Bookie: I'll have this best guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it. (Slides a pad over to Elaine so she can write it down) Elaine: My number? Ohh.. (looks at Kramer's business card) Okay.. Uh, well, there you go. (writes H&H's number down) And, uh, tell you what.. (looks at the board in the back) put a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the third at Belmont. [Setting: classy restaurant] Tim: Hey, Jerry. Jerry: Hey, Tim. Tim: What's up? Jerry: Actually, I'm having dinner with a girl I met at your party. Tim: Mazel Tov. Gwen: Jerry.. hi. Jerry: Gwen? Gwen: Yeah. Jerry: (Not willing to believe how much uglier she is) Really? Gwen: Yeah! Come on, our table is ready. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: So, attractive one day - not attractive the next? Jerry: Have you come across this? George: Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome - she's a two-face. Jerry: (Relating) Like the Batman villain? George: (Annoyed) If that helps you.. Jerry: So, if I ask her out again - I don't know who's showing up The good, the bad, or the ugly. George: (Identifying what Jerry said) Clint Eastwood! Jerry: Yeah. George: Hey, check this out. I gotta give out Christmas presents to everyone down at Kruger, so I'm pulling a Whatley. (Give a Christmas card to Jerry) Jerry: (Reading it) "A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund." - What is that? George: (With pride) Made it up. Jerry: (Continuing reading) "The Human Fund. Money for people." George: What do you think? Jerry: It has a certain understated stupidity. George: (Once again, Identifying) The Outlaw of Josey Whales! Jerry: ..Yeah. Kramer: Ah, gentlemen.. bagels on the house! Jerry: How was your first day? Kramer: Oh, fantastic! (Jerry and George both pick out a bagel) It felt so good to get my hands back in taht dough. Jerry: Your hands were in the dough? Kramer: No, I didn't make these bagels. (Jerry and George both take a bite) Yeah, they're day-olds. The homeless won't even touch them. (Jerry and George stop eating) Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top, but they dig.. they, they test. George: Alright. Uh, well, I'm out of here. (Gets up to leave) Jerry: Happy Festivus! Kramer: What's Festivus? Jerry: When George was growing up.. George: (Interrupting) No! Jerry: His father.. George: Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist! Elaine: Happy Festivus, Georgie. Kramer: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific! Elaine: Kramer, listen, I got a little phone relay going, so, if a guy calls H&H and he's looking for me, you take a message. Jerry: You're still trying to gget that free sub? Elaine: Hey! I have spent a lot of time, and I have eaten a lot of crap to get to where I am today. And I am NOT throwing it all away now. Jerry: Is there a captain's hat involved in this? Elaine: Maybe. [Setting: H&H Bagel Shop] Frank: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest? Kramer: Well, just tell me everything, huh? Frank: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way! Kramer: What happened to the doll? Frank: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!" Kramer: That musta been some kind of doll. Frank: She was. [Setting: Kruger Office Building] George: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas! (Co-worker gives a gift to George) Oh, Sandy! Here is a little something for you.. (hands her a card) Sandy: (After reading the cheap gift, she's suddenly unimpressed) ..Oh.. thanks. (Walks off) George: Phil, I loved those cigars! Incoming! (Flicks his card tward Phil) Phil: Ow! George: Aw, Mr. Kruger, Sir. Merry Christmas! (Hands him a card) Kruger: Not if you could see our books.. what's this? George: The Human Fund. Kruger: Whatever. (Walks off) George: Exactly. (Sees an off-camera co-worker) Erica! [Setting: H&H Bagel Shop] Frank: And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. Kramer: Is there a tree? Frank: No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting. Kramer: Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch. Frank: Let's do it then! Festivus is back! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space. (Turns to leave, meets up with Elaine) Elaine: Hello, Frank. Frank: Hello, woman. (leaves) Elaine: Kramer! Kramer.. any word from the vest? Kramer: No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off. Manager: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays. Kramer: But it's Festivus. Manager: What? Kramer: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.. Manager: That's not a right. Kramer: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike. Come on Elaine. (Takes of his apron, and goes for his coat) It's a walk out! Elaine: No, I got to stay here and wait for the call. Kramer: What? You're siding with management?! Elaine: No, I just.. Kramer: (Interrupting) Scab! Scab! (pointing at Elaine) Scab! [Setting: Taxi Cab] Gwen: Hey. Jerry: Boy, am I glad to see you. Gwen: You were expecting someone else? Jerry: You never know. Gwen: (To driver) You know, you might want to take the tunnel. Jerry: So, uh, what do you feel like eating? Chinese or Italian? Gwen: I can go either way. Jerry: (Shocked) You're telling me. [Setting: the Coffee Shop] George: So, she was switching? Back and forth? Jerry: Actually, the only place she always looked good was in that back booth over there. George: So, just bring her here. This is all you really need. Jerry: I can't just keep bringing her to the coffee shop. I mean, what if things, you know, progress? George: Lights out. Jerry: Alright, I'll give it a shot! I do really like this coffee shop. Nice cuff links, by the way. George: (Pointing to them) Office Christmas gift. I tell you, this Human Fund is a gold mine! Jerry: That's not a french cuff shirt, you know. George: I know. I cut the button off and poked a hole with a letter opener. Jerry: Oh, that's classy. Kramer: Well, Happy Festivus. George: What is that? Is taht the pole?! Frank: George, Festivus is your heritage - it's part of who you are. George: (Sulking) That's why I hate it. Kramer: There's a big dinner Tuesday night at Frank's house - everyone's invited. Frank: George, you're forgetting how much Festivus has meant to us all. I brought one of the casette tapes. (Franks pushes play, George as a child celebrating Festivus is heard) Frank: Read that poem. George: (Complaining) I can't read it. I need my glasses! Frank: You don't need glasses, you're just weak! You're weak! Estelle: Leave him alone! Frank: Alright, George. It's time for the feats of strength. George: No! No! Turn it off! No feats of strength! (Gets up and starts running out of the coffee shop) I hate Festivus! Frank: We had some good times. Gwen: Hey. Jerry: I there. This is Kramer, and Frank. Gwen: Hi. Kramer: (Shocked at her ugliness, he stammers) Hello. Gwen: So, you ready to go? Jerry: Uh, why don't we stay here? The back booth just opened up. (They both walk to the booth and sit down. Suddenly, Gwen is attractive) Now this is a good looking booth. [Setting: H&H Bagel Shop] Kramer: Protect Festivus! Hey, no bagels, no bagels, no bagels, (Continues to chant) Manager: (To a waiting Elaine) Lady, if you want a sandwich, I'll make you a sandwich. Elaine: (Whining) I want the one that I earned. (Phone rings) I'll get it. I'll get it! (Into phone) H&H, and Elaine. Kramer: (From a phone booth right outside the store) Elaine, you should get out of there. I sabotaged the bagel machine last night. It's going down. Elaine: What did you do? Kramer: You've been warned. Elaine: Oh, hi! (Waves at him) Worker: Hey, the steam valve's broke. Manager: Can we still make bagels? Worker: Sure. It's just a little steamy. Kramer: Hey! How do you like your bagels now?! [Setting: Kruger Building] Kruger: George, I got something for you. (Pulls a check from his pocket) I'm suppose to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it. They all seem the same to me, so, what's the difference? (Hands the check to George) George: 20 thousand dollars? Kruger: Made out to the Human Fund. (Tries to enter his office, but it's locked) Oh, damn. I've locked myself out of my office again. Oh well. I'm going home. [Setting: Coffee Shop] Gwen: Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this.. place? Jerry: Why? It's our place. Gwen: I just found a rubber band in my soup. Jerry: Oh.. I know who's cooking today! George: Hey! Surprise, surprise! Jerry: Hey, Georgie! Gwen: I think I'm just gonna go. Jerry: I'll be here. George: (Sees Gwen's meal) Hey, soup. Jerry: She didn't touch it. George: Ohh.. Paco! (Flicks rubber band tward the kitchen) Hey, take a look at this. (Hands Jerry Kruger's check) Jerry: 20 thousand dollars from Kruger? You're not keeping this. George: I don't know. Jerry: Excuse me? George: I've been doing a lot of thinking. This might be my chance to start giving something back. Jerry: You want to give something back? Start with the 20 thousand dollars. George: I'm serious. Jerry: You're going to start your own charity? George: I think I could be a philanthropist. a kick ass philanthropist! I would have all this money, and people would love me. Then they would come to me.. and beg! And if I felt like it, I would help them out. And then they would owe me big time! (Thinking to himself) .. First thing I'm gonna need is a driver.. [Setting: Outside H&H Bagels] Elaine: Kramer, the vest just called. Kramer: (Shocked by the way Elaine looks) Yama - Hama! It's fright night! Elaine: Oh, yeah, I got a little steam bath. Listen, in 10 minutes, I'm gonna have my hands on that "Atomic Sub" card. Kramer: And? Elaine: (Embarrassed) Free sub. (Starts to leave) I'll see ya. Kramer: Yeah. Gwen: Kramer, Hi! Kramer: Oh, hello. Gwen: It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop. Kramer: Ah-huh. Gwen: I'm dating your friend, Jerry.. Kramer: Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller. Gwen: That's why we're always hiding in that coffee shop! He's afraid of getting caught. Kramer: Oh, he's a tomcat. Elaine: Steve. Denim Vest: Hmm? Elaine: It's Elaine. Denim Vest: From Tim Whatley's party? Elaine: Yeah. Denim Vest: You look.. different. Elaine: I see you're still sticking with the denim. (He's wearing a denim coat) Do you have that card that I gave you? Denim Vest: Well, I had it back at my place, but I can't go there now.. I'll give it to you later, or something. Elaine: No, no, no. You give me your number. Denim Vest: Okay. Sure. (Pulls out a pad, and starts writing a number down) Do you have the mumps? Elaine: No. Denim Vest: Typhoid? Elaine: No. Denim Vest: (Hands her the paper, and runs off) Yama - Hama! Elaine: A fake number! Blimey! [Setting: Kruger's office] Kruger: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund. George: Well, there could be. Kruger: But there isn't. George: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here. (Holds it out) Kruger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift. George: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus. Kruger: Vemonous? George: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir! Kruger: Are you making all this up, too? George: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And.. I could prove it - if I had to. Kruger: Yeah, you probably should. [Setting: The Costanza's house] George: Happy Festivus! Frank: George? This is a surprise. (Looking at Kruger) Who's the suit? George: Yo, dad. This is my boss, Mr. Kruger. Frank: Have you seen the pole, Kruger? George: Dad, he doesn't need to see the pole. Frank: He's gonna see it. George: Happy Festivus! (Sees Elaine) Yama - Hama! Elaine: I didn't have time to go home. What are you doing here? George: Embracing my roots. Jerry: They nailed you on the 20 G's? George: Busted cold. Frank: It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio. Kruger: I find your belief system fascinating. Kramer: Hey! Happy Festivus, everyone! (Hugs George, and jumps up and down) Hee, hee, hee! Bookie: Hello again, Miss Benes. Elaine: What are you doing here? Bookie: Damnedest thing.. me and Charlie were calling to ask you out, and, uh, we got this bagel place.. Kramer: (Finishing the story) I told them I was just about to see you.. It's a Festivus miracle! Estelle: Dinner's ready! Frank: Let's begin. (Everyone Sits Around The Table. Kruger Recognized Kramer From "The Meat Slicer" Episode..) Kruger: Dr.. Van Nostrand? Kramer: Uh.. that's right. Frank: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks! George: Oh, God. Frank: (To George) Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe.. I lost my train of thought. Gwen: Jerry! Jerry: Gwen! How'd you know I was here? Gwen: Kramer told me. Kramer: Another Festivus miracle! Gwen: I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about. Elaine: Hey, I was in a shvitz for 6 hours. Give me a break. Jerry: Gwen. Gwen, wait! Ah! (runs back to his seat) Bad lighting on the porch. Elaine: (To bookie) Hey, how'd my horse do? Bookie: He had to be shot. Frank: And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the feats of strength. George: Not the feats of strength.. Frank: This year, the honor goes to Mr. Kramer. Kramer: Uh-oh. Oh, gee, Frank, I'm sorry. I gotta go. I have to work a double shift at H&H. Jerry: I thought you were on strike? Kramer: Well, I caved. I mean, I really had to use their bathroom. Frank, no offence, but this holiday is a little (makes a series of noises) out there. George: Kramer! You can't go! Who's gonna do the feats of strength? Kruger: (Sipping liquor from a flask) How about George? Frank: Good thinking, Kruger. Until you pin me, George, Festivus is not over! George: Oh, please, somebody, stop this! Frank: (Taking off his sweater) Let's rumble! Estelle: I think you can take him, Georgie! George: Oh, come on! Be sensible. Frank: Stop crying, and fight your father! George: Ow! .. Ow! I give, I give! Uncle! Frank: This is the best Festivus ever! [Setting: H&H Bagel Shop] Manager: Alright. That's enough. You're fired. Kramer: Thank - you! (Gets his coat, and leaves)
Michael: [on Youtube video] There is nothing wrong, nor will there ever be wrong with any Sabre printers. Case closed. [phone rings, Michael picks it up] Michael Scott, as seen on TV. Todd Packer: [high-pitched voice] I saw you on the news and I want to pinch your tiny wiener... [normal voice] It's Packer! Michael: OH! Pack Man, I thought you were a girl! Michael: Apparently, there are allegations that Sabre printers can cause a fire. So they asked me to give a statement to the press. I'm like, what? All right. So I do it. It's on TV last night. And it's in the paper today. And it's online. And then I call Froggy 98.7, the request line. I talk to the host about it on the air. It's like, come on, people, enough. Michael: Everybody, we are at DEFCON 5. I am officially the second-most watched clip of the day on the WBRE news site. Oscar: What's number one? Michael: Oh, that teacher who was wrongfully accused of being a pedophile. Now, we cannot let the pedophile win again! I would like you all to go to the website and watch my clip eleven times. Jim: So instead of working, you want... Michael: Yes. Jim: Okay. Michael: Yes. Come on! Get it up! That's what... let's do it! Angela: Oh, did you see this report that the zoo got a baby otter? It's on the same site! Phyllis: Awww, it's kissing its mommy! Michael: Please. Dwight: Michael, you have to see, this is like, the cutest thing ever. Michael: Really? A baby otter? Okay, um, count me in as who cares. It's not even that interesting a baby otter, it can't even stand up. [looks toward computer] It's trying to stand up... [choking up] there it goes. Jo: Howdy. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Michael: Jo! We were not expecting you! Jo: Course you all, no doubt, know why I'm here. Kevin: No. Jo: Turns out our printers are famous. They're all over the news. It's an interesting story. Cheap foreign printers attacking innocent Americans. Well, actually the, the real story isn't quite as racy, but uh... let's give it a go. Kevin: Jo, I think that I know what happened. Jo: I'm not sure you do, teddy bear. Kevin: Well, now I think I might not. Jo: Not long ago, we discovered a defect in one of our printers, so we got a software patch and fixed it right up, just like that. I don't know how it works. But just as we were about to send out a letter to our affected customers, giving 'em free toner, and we keep 'em, happy, but somebody here, they liked that first story better. The one where we lose half our clients for no damn good reason! Whoever it was who talked to the press, they should come forward, please. Michael: Jo, Jo, I can assure you it was no one in this office. Jo: Can you now? Michael: Absolutely. Anyone who talked to the press, please raise your hand. Phyllis: [quietly, to Andy] Put your hand up, Norma Rae. Andy: If you say anything, so help me God, I'll break off the temples of your glasses and stick them in your eye sockets. Andy: So unfair. Even if I thought that our printers killed baby seals, I would not be a whistleblower. The Bernards, for generations, have silenced whistleblowers. It's how we made all our money. Woody Guthrie wrote a song about us. [sings] Old Mr. Bernard, old Mr. Bernard, who have you silenced today? Jo: [as Gabe hands out forms to everyone] It's a little form, says 'I did not do it.' Michael: There is no reason for anyone here to sign this, because I know everything there is to know about these people. I know when their birthdays are, I know what their favorite kind of cake is, I know what color streamers they like... Jo: All that's just birthday information, Michael. Michael: Yes, yes, but it shows a bigger picture. Jo: Why don't you come with me? We'll start out with the honcho, what'cha say? Michael: Okay. Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: What do we do when we find the guilty party? And if they said, 'Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice!', innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said 'Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah', well nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check. Jo: So say we catch this whistleblower, what do you think I should do with him? Michael: We should give him a one-way ticket to Montego Bay, where they keep all the al-Qaeda. Jo: Uh, that's, uh, Guantanamo Bay. Michael: Yes. You put them in jail for a long time, you put them in jail for as long as you can. Jo: Well, I guess we're all right, Michael. Michael: I want these people to really pay, I want them to suffer. I'd prefer it if they died, 'cause it's not right. Jo: Yeah. Michael: Okay. Nick: Hey Dwight. Dwight: Hey, IT guy. Nick: Mind if I get in there for a second? Dwight: Oh, sure thing, go ahead. Nick: Just one... [Dwight pushes Nick's neck to the desk and pushes his arm up] Gah! Ah! Dwight, what the hell? Dwight: Apache persuasion hold, that's the hell! What are you doing to my computer? Oscar: The lawyers are searching our hard drives for information on the leak. Thanks a lot, Big Brother. Dwight: You're with Big Brother? Okay, go ahead. I got nothing to hide. Kevin: Wait, are they searching all our computers? Nick: Yeah. [Kevin runs to his desk] I already got to yours, Kevin. [Kevin runs back] Kevin: No, that's cool. Sometimes... sometimes I run. I'm a runner. Angela: Everybody knows it was Andy, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his big stupid mouth! Michael: Ridiculous, Angela. And like I'm going to believe one of his spermed lovers. Phyllis: Look, he's been complaining about this for a while, it's not crazy. Jo: Okay Dwight. Dwight: Hold that thought. I don't want to waste your time, and I wouldn't dare waste mine. I didn't do it. Now, I don't know exactly who did it, but I have a list right here... [hands Jo a piece of paper] You should fire the following people. Jo: Well, I'm inclined to believe you. Dwight: Why would I disparage a company that has made me rich beyond my wildest dreams? Jo: Yeah, I noticed you've had a great year. Good boy... you turning that money into more money? Dwight: Are you referring to alchemy? Jo: I don't like to tell a man what to do with his money, but if you ain't investing in property, then you're dumber than a dummy. Dwight: I'm not dumb. I'm smart. Jo: Well, buy property. That's my advice. Michael: Is there something that you would like to say to me? Andy: Uh... Michael: About talking to the press? Andy: I, I didn't know. I didn't do that! Michael: Mmhmm. Andy: Okay? I, I... didn't do it. Michael: I don't believe you. Andy: I swear on the graves of my parents who aren't even dead yet. Michael: That's a little much. All right, all right, all right. Andy: I don't care, that's how much I swear! Michael: Okay, I believe you, I believe you. Andy: I don't know who's giving Darryl any crap. He was more bothered about it than me. Michael: Did you tell anyone outside of this office that the printers were catching on fire? Darryl: Yeah, I did. I, I was talking to this girl at a bar. Michael: Oh, no, no, no... Darryl: I think she could... sense my sadness, and I, and I found out too late that she... she's the copy editor at the Trib. Michael: Oh my god. Was she cute? Darryl: No. Michael: Oh, god, Darryl! Michael: I basically swore up and down that none of my employees did it, and then I find out that one of my best ones did. And now he's probably going to get fired for it. And if that is not poetic justice, I don't know what is. Jo: Sounds like you were as blindsided by this as I was. Toby: Well, that's... Jo: And we didn't find anything on your computer. Toby: Good. Jo: Except this. [hands stack of paper to Toby] Toby: Oh, wow, this is, uh, just a mystery novel that I've been working on. Jo: I know what it is. I skimmed the first chapter. I'm just curious, why would a man who hates people want to have a relationship with a maid? Toby: Oh, uh, I don't know, uh... Jo: The way I look at it, there's only one of two reasons. He knows a secret about her that she doesn't know herself, or he wants to use her services to mop up after a murder. Toby: Oh... yes. Toby: Write your own damn novel. Pam: It was me. Jim: What was you? You were the leak? Pam: Okay. I'm talking to this woman at daycare... Jim: Uh-huh. Pam: She's telling me about all her amazing trip to Vietnam, I have nothing. I tell her our printers catch on fire, spontaneously! Jim: Why'd you do that? Pam: Her husband's a reporter. Jim: Yeah. Pam: So now everyone hates Andy, and it's this whole mess, and I don't know what to do. Jim: Okay, just relax. Just need to relax. Pam: I could tell Jo... or I could tell Michael. Jim: This is a very good idea. This is good. Let's get all the bad ideas out now. Flush them out. Michael: You leaked it? Pam: I don't know what to do! Do I go tell Jo, or - I don't want everyone to keep blaming the wrong person! Michael: I don't know what the best plan is, Pam. Oh god... my mind is going a mile an hour. Pam: That fast? Michael: Oh. Michael: Two whistleblowers... two! I always thought Darryl and Pam might get me fired for something I said. Pam: [Michael knocks on Pam's desk] Yeah? [Michael points at Pam, himself, and Meredith, mimes drinking, driving, then points to his watch and holds up five fingers] I weirdly know exactly what you're saying to me. Michael: So see you in Meredith's van in five minutes. Pam: Yeah, you didn't need to actually say it. Pam: [in Meredith's van] I have never seen so many parking tickets. Darryl: All right, this is just messed up. Michael: No, you know what's messed up? This situation all up in here is what's messed up! We need to brainstorm, we need to get out of this! Brain hurricane. Come on, think. Darryl: All right. Michael: What do we got? Pam: Um... Kelly: [opening door] Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Pam: We're not going for yogurt. Michael: It's okay, she's cool, she also whistle-blew. Kelly: Guys, I couldn't help it, it is so boring where we work. I mean, it's as interesting as a morgue. It might be less interesting than a morgue. Michael: Hey, hey, it's as interesting as a morgue. Kelly: Of course I'm the leak! I think I Tweeted it! I can't control what I say to people, I spend the whole day talking! I mean, I video chat, I Skype, I text, I Tweet, I phone, I Woof... Ryan: Woof is a site that I'm launching to be the last word in social networking. For just $12.99 a month, Woof links up all your communication portals so you are always within reach. It's part of the dog pack, as I call it. But, look, why tell you when I can show you. [types on his phone] I just sent myself a Woof. [fax machine makes noise, several windows pop up on computer behind Ryan with accompanying sounds, including barking] Erin: [on phone] Ryan, you have a Woof on line 1. Ryan: Thank you, Erin. Woof! Michael: Okay, here's what we do. I say we just smash all the computers. We destroy the evidence. No evidence, no case. Pam: Wouldn't we get fired for smashing all the computers? Michael: No. Okay, not all the computers, just our computers. Kelly: That idea sucks. Pam: I don't think that's a good idea. Michael: Just don't say no. Darryl: Michael, you know you don't have to turn us all in. All you need is one scapegoat. Kelly: Uh, if you turn me in, I'm turning in Darryl. Michael: That's just what we need, another black man in prison. You know, let's just... Pam: Nobody's going to prison, okay? Um... all right, Michael, you need to convince Jo to go easy on us. And then we'll all confess once we know our jobs are safe. Michael: Okay. You can count on me. Dwight: [sees Toby banging on the vending machine] Let me give you a hand. Toby: I'm hungry. Dwight: Ready? [they pull the vending machine towards them; Dwight's phone rings] Got it? Oh shoot. Got it? [walks away, opens phone] Dwight Schrute. Realtor: [on phone] The property you're looking at is in great shape. By the way, it has a very spacious basement office. Dwight: Basement office? You mean like a lair? Michael: Hey Jo. Jo: Michael. Michael: I was thinking about our little leak problem. I was up all lunch thinking about what we should do to this individual. You know what I think we should do? We make 'em come to work, and we work 'em, and we make 'em sit next to all the people they screwed over. And, and we pay 'em but we make 'em feel like they did something really wrong. The one question I have is, do we give them a Christmas bonus? I say yes, it's Christmas, but right after they're back in the thick of it. Jo: Michael Scott... what do you know? Michael: What? Michael: It doesn't matter what I know. Jo: If it doesn't matter, then tell me. Michael: Why? Jo: Because I want to deal with it the way I deal with it. Michael: Well, deal with this. [crosses arms] Jo: Empathize with me for a moment. I came up here with a big problem, and now I got a branch manager who's giving me the silent treatment... Speak to me... speak. [Jo's dog barks] Come with me. Michael: What? Gabe: [as Michael and Jo leave] Are you leaving? Oh, am I... should I continue with the investigation? Michael: Are you going to kill me? Jo: Hahahahahaha. Realtor: [on phone] I just need you to come by later and sign a few forms. Dwight: Okay. Realtor: What time works for you? [Dwight looks across the street] Mr. Schrute, what time works? Dwight: Cancel it. I want you to make an offer at seventeen twenty-five Slough Avenue. Make 'em an offer they can't refuse. No, on second thought, low ball them. Don't call me 'til you have it. Realtor: But... [Dwight closes phone] Michael: [on Jo's jet] Are we going some place far away? I know you said no questions, but... I have an early dinner that I need to get to... with the Chief of Police. Creed: I'm very relieved to learn it wasn't you. Gabe: All right. Uh, Stan, you're up. Stanley: It wasn't me. Gabe: What a rich timbre your voice has. Okay, I am prepared to conclude the investigation. And... you did it. [nods at Andy] Andy: What? Based on what? Gabe: Uh, just all the evidence. And it really seems like it was you. Can we all agree to say that it was Andy for now, and sit with it, see how it feels? Dwight: All right. Sounds good. Jim: Guys, I think that seems a little unfair. I mean, I feel like we don't definitely know it was Andy. Andy: Yeah. You know, I mean, for all we know it could have been... Jim. Jim: Really? Jo: Michael. Michael: I have rights. Jo: Let's just talk. Michael: I am not going to tell you anything. Jo: Honey, you don't seem like your normal self. Michael: Well, I'm going through a little bit of a rough patch. Jo: Mama Jo knew there was something up. Michael: Whole year, actually. My favorite restaurant closed down. Jo: Oh, I hate that. Michael: And my new favorite restaurant sucks... I bought a video camera last year, and I was looking at the tapes, and there were only like twelve minutes that I felt was worth taping the whole year. And most of that was just birds in my condo complex. What is that? ... I miss Holly. Jo: Who's Holly? Michael: Holly Flax from the Nashua branch. Best HR rep that Dunder Mifflin has ever seen. It's not been a blockbuster year for me financially. My Blockbuster stock is down. Kevin: Well, I think that the real question is: Who is the whistleblower? Dwight: Oh, just... David Wallace: I may have heard from an old client, and I may have immediately started spreading the news to other clients and potential clients, yeah. But I'm not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about Suck It. Suck it. Andy: Gabe, I told you all about the printers. Jim: I mean, it could be you, Gabe. I mean, that's the point. Pam: Yes, it's totally obvious. Creed: I think we all can agree that it's either Gabe or Angela. [flips a coin] It's Angela. Get her, boys. Nick: Hey guys, uh, sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say goodbye to everyone. Through Teach for America, I'm going to go down to Detroit and teach, uh, inner city kids about computers. Gabe: Uh, not now. Nick: Oh yeah, it's just that my friends are in the car waiting, so I thought I would... Stanley: [quietly] Phyllis, what's this guy's name again? Phyllis: I don't know, is it Shadow or Garth, it's something weird, I... Nick: My name is Nick. Angela: Okay, well, Nick, we're in a meeting. Nick: Okay, look, I get it, people. I'm the lame IT guy, and everybody hates me. Jim: Hey, listen man, you can't take it personally. Nick: You called me man? I just said my name just now, did you forget it already? Jim: No... sport. Nick: You, you guys have fifteen parties a week, you can't learn my name? Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey IT guy. Here's the story, champ. None of us have spent a lot of time getting to know you, okay? We liked the last guy, Siddiq, because he kept to himself, and we also thought he might have been a terrorist. You know what, I'm going to leave you with one other thought. Inner city kids use computers for two things, games and porn. So good luck wasting your life, lurch. Nick: Thank you so much for that. I saw all your hard drives, and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! All right? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it, check it out. [gives the finger] Andy: You're going to believe that guy? Jo: When I was growing up, there was nothing better than being a big old business tycoon. And I thought I'd break that glass ceiling and be a hero to all those little girls out there... and they'd make a Barbie out of me. Michael: Hmm, hmm. Jo: I, did I sell cheap printers? I do. But if I have to go out there in front of the press and make one of them public apology recalls, I mean, it's all I'll ever be remembered for. Nobody will want to play with my Barbie. Michael: You know, I would be willing, under the right circumstances, to do that for you. Jo: Oh honey, surely you don't want that. Michael: I, I surely do, and don't call me honey. [Jo laughs] You were playing too. Dwight: I'm about to buy this building, you know. Hank: You don't say? I own a one-eighth share in a rental property down in Pittston. Dwight: Well, I'm one-eighths proud of you... enjoy that chair for now... 'cause pretty soon, you will be on your feet, at Buckingham Palace. Andy: Hey Phyllis, have you seen my bag? Phyllis: [points to the ceiling] You deserve it. Andy: Look, I didn't want houses and schools to burn down, and children to die. Does that make me a hero? I... Kevin: [offscreen] No, it does not! Andy: Well, it doesn't make me the worst guy in the world, either. Angela: It does! Erin: Andy? Andy: Hey. Erin: I wanted to say that I think it was very brave of you to go to the press. Andy: Uh, thanks. Yeah, you know, just seemed like the right thing to do. Erin: Yeah. Michael: [to press] We at Sabre have betrayed the trust that we have built with our customers. We regret our slow response and our lapse in candor and judgment. At this time, we are issuing a full recall of all Sabre GH400 printers. We will not rest until this problem is solved. There will be no questions. Are there any questions? Jo: Hey, I appreciate you reading that statement. You looked pretty up there. Michael: That was fun. Jo: I hope your rough patch ends soon. Michael: Thanks. Today helped. Jo: Well, give me a shout if I can brighten your life. Michael: Okay. Hey, you could transfer Holly back from Nashua. Jo: Let me see what I can do.
Asgardian Pa: This is the Asgardian refugee vessel Statesman. We are under assault, I repeat, we are under assault - The engines are dead, life support failing. Requesting aid from any vessel within range. We are 22 jump points out of Asgard. Our crew is made up of Asgardian families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a warcraft. I repeat, this is not a warcraft! Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the Great Titan... You may think this is suffering... no. It is salvation. Universal scales tip toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile... for even in death, you have become Children of Thanos. Thanos: I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right... yet to fail, nonetheless. It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you, to what end? Dread it. Run from it. Destiny arrives all the same. And now, it's here. Or should I say... I AM. Thor: You talk too much. Thanos: The Tesseract, or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference. Loki: Oh, I do. Kill away! ALL RIGHT, STOP! Thor: We don't have the Tesseract. It was destroyed on Asgard. You really are the worst brother. Loki: I assure you, brother... the sun will shine on us again. Thanos: Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian. Loki: Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another... we have a Hulk. Ebony Maw: Let him have his fun. Heimdall: Allfathers... let the dark magic flow through me one last... time. Thanos: That was a mistake. Thor: NO!!! You're going to die for that! Ebony Maw: Shh. My humble personage... bows before your grandeur. No other being has ever had the might, nay the nobility, to wield not one, but two Infinity Stones. The universe lies within your grasp. Thanos: There are two more Stones on Earth. Find them, my children, and bring them to me on Titan. Proxima Midnight: Father, we will not fail you. Cull Obsidian: We're going to New York City and We will tear The Avengers Apart and Smash! Once and for all, my lord. Loki: If I might interject... if you're going to Earth, you might want a guide. I do have a bit of experience in that arena. Thanos: If you consider failure experience. Loki: I consider experience, experience. Almighty Thanos, I... Loki... Prince of Asgard... Odinson... the rightful King of Jotunheim... God of Mischief... do hereby pledge to you, my undying fidelity. Thanos: "Undying?" You should choose your words more carefully. Loki: You will... never be... a god. Thor: NO! Thanos: No resurrections this time. Thor: No... Loki.... Stephen Strange: Seriously? You don't have any money? Wong: Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual. Stephen Strange: I'll tell the guys at the deli. Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham on rye. Wong: Oh, wait, wait, wait, I think I have 200. Stephen Strange: Dollars? Wong: Rupees. Stephen Strange: Which is? Wong: Uh, buck and a half. Stephen Strange: What do you want? Wong: I wouldn't say no to a tuna melt. Bruce Banner: Thanos is coming. He's coming... Stephen Strange: Who? Tony Stark: Slow down, slow down. I'm totally not kidding. Pepper Potts: You're totally rambling. Tony Stark: No, I'm not. Pepper Potts: Lost me. Tony Stark: Look, you know how you're having a dream, and in the dream you gotta pee? Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Okay, and then you're like, 'Oh my god, there's no bathroom, what am I gonna do?', 'Oh! Someone's watching,' ''m gonna go in my pants.' Pepper Potts: Right. And then you wake up, and in real life you actually have to pee. Tony Stark: Yes. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Everybody has that. Tony Stark: Right! That's the point I'm trying to make. Apropos of that, last night, I dreamt, we had a kid. So real. We named him after your eccentric uncle. Uh, what was his name? Pepper Potts: Right. Tony Stark: Morgan! Morgan. Pepper Potts: So you woke up, and thought that we were... Tony Stark: Expecting. Pepper Potts: Yeah. Tony Stark: Yes? Pepper Potts: No. Tony Stark: I had a dream about it. It was so real. Pepper Potts: If you wanted to have a kid, you wouldn't have done that. Tony Stark: I'm glad you brought this up, 'cause it's nothing. It's just a housing unit for nano particles. Pepper Potts: It's not helping your case, OK? Tony Stark: No, no, it's an attachment, it's not a- Pepper Potts: You don't need that. Tony Stark: I know. I had the surgery. I'm just trying to protect us. The future uses, and that's it. Just in case there's a monster in the closet, instead of, you know... Pepper Potts: Shirts? Tony Stark: You know me so well. You finish all my sentences. Pepper Potts: You should have shirts in your closet. Tony Stark: Yeah. You know what there should be? No more surprises. We're gonna have a nice dinner tonight. Show off this Harry Win-stone. Right? And we should have no more surprises. Ever. I should promise you. Pepper Potts: Yes. Tony Stark: I will. Stephen Strange: Tony Stark, I'm Doctor Stephen Strange. I need you to come with me. Oh, uh, congratulations on the wedding, by the way. Tony Stark: I'm sorry, you giving out tickets or something? Stephen Strange: We need your help. Look, it's not overselling to say that the fate of the universe is at stake. Tony Stark: And who's "we"? Bruce Banner: Hey, Tony. Tony Stark: Bruce. Bruce Banner: Pepper. Pepper Potts: Hi. Tony Stark: You okay? Wong: From the dawn of the universe, there was nothing. Then, boom! The Big Bang sent six elemental crystals, hurtling across the virgin universe. These Infinity Stones each control an essential aspect of existence. Stephen Strange: Space. Reality. Power. Soul. Mind. And Time. Tony Stark: Tell me his name again. Bruce Banner: Thanos. He's a plague, Tony. He invades planets. He takes what he wants. He wipes out half the population. He sent Loki. The attack on New York. That's him. Tony Stark: This is it... What's our timeline? Bruce Banner: No telling. He has the Power and Space Stones, that already makes him the strongest creature in the whole universe. If he gets his hands, on all six Stones, Tony... Stephen Strange: He can destroy life on a scale hitherto undreamt of. Tony Stark: Did you seriously just say "hitherto undreamt of"? Stephen Strange: Are you seriously leaning on the Cauldron of the Cosmos? Tony Stark: Is that what this is... ? I'm going to allow that. If Thanos needs all six, why don't we just stick this one down the garbage disposal? Stephen Strange: No can do. Wong: We swore an oath to protect the Time Stone. With our lives. Tony Stark: And I swore off dairy, but then, Ben & Jerry's named a flavor after me, so... Stephen Strange: Stark Raving Hazelnuts. Tony Stark: It's not bad. Stephen Strange: A bit chalky. Wong: A Hunka-Hulka Burning Fudge is our favorite. Bruce Banner: That's a thing? Tony Stark: Whatever. Point is: things change. Stephen Strange: Our oath to protect the Time Stone cannot change. This Stone may be the best chance we have against Thanos. Tony Stark: And still conversely, it may also be his best chance against us. Stephen Strange: Well, if we don't do our jobs. Tony Stark: What is your job exactly, besides making balloon animals? Stephen Strange: Protecting your reality, douchebag. Bruce Banner: Okay, guys, could we table this discussion right now? The fact is that we have this Stone. We know where it is. Vision is out there somewhere with the Mind Stone, and we have to find him now. Tony Stark: Yeah, that's the... thing. Bruce Banner: What do you mean? Tony Stark: Two weeks ago, Vision turned off his transponder. He's offline. Bruce Banner: What? Tony, you lost another super bot? Tony Stark: I didn't lose him. He's more than that. He's evolving. Stephen Strange: Who could find Vision, then? Tony Stark: Shit. Probably Steve Rogers. Stephen Strange: Oh, great. Tony Stark: Maybe. But... Bruce Banner: Call him. Tony Stark: It's not that easy. God, we haven't caught up in a spell, have we? Bruce Banner: No. Tony Stark: The Avengers broke up. We're toast. Bruce Banner: Broke up? Like a band? Like The Beatles? Tony Stark: Cap and I fell out hard. We're not on speaking terms. Bruce Banner: Tony, listen to me. Thor's gone. Thanos is coming. It doesn't matter who you're talking to or not. Tony Stark: Say, Doc, you wouldn't happen to be moving your hair, would you? Stephen Strange: Not at the moment, no. Tony Stark: You okay? Help him! Wong, Doc. Bruce Banner: Go! Got it! Tony Stark: F.R.I.D.A.Y., what am I looking at? Friday: Not sure, I'm working on it. Tony Stark: Hey! You might wanna put that Time Stone in your back pocket, Doc! Stephen Strange: Might wanna use it. Peter Parker: Ned, hey. I need you to cause a distraction. Ned Leeds: Holy shit! We're all gonna die! There's a spaceship! Stan Lee: What's the matter with you kids? You've never seen a spaceship before? Tony Stark: F.R.I.D.A.Y., evac anyone south of 43rd Street, notify first responders. Friday: Will do. Ebony Maw: Hear me, and rejoice. You are about to die at the hands of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributing to... Tony Stark: I'm sorry, Earth is closed today. You better pack it up and get outta here. Ebony Maw: Stonekeeper... Does this chattering animal speak for you? Stephen Strange: Certainly not. I speak for myself. But you're trespassing in this city and on this planet. Tony Stark: It means get lost, Squidward! Ebony Maw: He exhausts me. Bring me the Stone. Tony Stark: Banner, you want a piece? Bruce Banner: No, not really, but when do I ever get what I want? Tony Stark: That's right. Been a while. Good to have you, buddy. Bruce Banner: I just... I need to concentrate here for one second. Come on, come on, man. Tony Stark: Where's your guy? Bruce Banner: I don't know. We've sort been havin' a thing. Tony Stark: There's no time for a thing. Bruce Banner: I know. Tony Stark: That's the thing right there. Let's go. Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards. Bruce Banner: Tony, I'm sorry. Either I can't or he won't- Tony Stark: It's okay. Hey, stand down. Keep an eye on him. Thank you. Wong: I have him. Bruce Banner: Damn it. Where'd that come from? Tony Stark: It's nano-tech. You like it? A little someth- Stephen Strange: Dr. Banner, if the rest of your green friend won't be joining us... Tony Stark: Gotta get that stone outta here, now. Stephen Strange: It stays with me. Tony Stark: Exactly. Bye. Bruce Banner: Tony, you okay? How we doing? Good? Bad? Tony Stark: Really, really good. Really good. Do you plan on helping out? Bruce Banner: I'm trying. He won't come out. Tony Stark: Hammer. Bruce Banner: Come on, Hulk. What are you doing to me? Come out! Come out! Come out! Hulk: Nooooooo! Bruce Banner: What do you mean, "no"?! Peter Parker: Hey, man. What's up, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: Kid, where'd you come from? Peter Parker: Field trip to MoMA. What is this guy's problem, Mr. Stark? Tony Stark: He's from space. He came here to steal a necklace from a wizard. Ebony Maw: Your powers are quaint. You must be popular with children. Stephen Strange: It's a simple spell but quite unbreakable. Ebony Maw: Then I'll take it off your corpse. Stephen Strange: You'll find... removing a dead man's spell... troublesome. Ebony Maw: You'll only wish you were dead. NO! Tony Stark: Kid, that's the wizard. Get on it. Peter Parker: On it! Not cool! Uhhh, Mr. Stark? I'm being beamed up! Tony Stark: Hang on, kid. Wong, you're invited to my wedding. Give me a little juice, F.R.I.D.A.Y. Unlock 17-A. Pete, you gotta let go. I'm gonna catch you. Peter Parker: But you said save the wizard! I can't breathe! Tony Stark: You're too high up. You're running out of air. Peter Parker: Yeah! That makes sense. Mr. Stark, it smells like a new car in here! Tony Stark: Happy trails, kid. F.R.I.D.A.Y, send him home. Friday: Yep. Peter Parker: OH, COME ON! Friday: Boss, incoming call from Miss Potts. Pepper Potts: Tony? Oh, my God. Are you all right? What's going on? Tony Stark: Yeah, I'm fine. I just think we might have to push our 8:30 res. Pepper Potts: Why? Tony Stark: Just 'cause I'll... probably not make it back for a while. Pepper Potts: Tell me you're not on that ship. Tony Stark: Yeah. Pepper Potts: God, no. Please tell me you're not on that ship. Tony Stark: Honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. Pepper Potts: Come back here, Tony. I swear to God.... Tony Stark: Pep.... Pepper Potts: Come back here right now! Come back! Friday: Boss, we're losing her. I'm going, too.... Peter Parker: Oh my God! I should have stayed on the bus... Bruce Banner: Where you going? Wong: The Time Stone's been taken. The Sanctum remains unguarded. What will you do? Bruce Banner: I'm gonna make a call. Peter Quill: Sing it, Drax! Rocket: Why are we doing this again? Gamora: It's a distress signal, Rocket. Someone could be dying. Rocket: I get that, but why are we doing it? Peter Quill: Cause we're nice. And maybe whoever it is will give us a little cheddar cheese for our help. Gamora: Which isn't the point. Peter Quill: Which isn't the point... I mean... if he doesn't pony up.... Drax: We'll take his ship. Rocket: Exactly! Peter Quill: B-b-b-bingo! Mantis: We are arriving. Peter Quill: All right, Guardians. Don't forget, this might be dangerous, so let's put on our mean faces. Groot, put that thing away. Now. I don't wanna tell you again. Groot. Groot: I am Groot! Peter Quill: Whoa! Rocket: Language! Gamora: Hey! Drax: Wow. Peter Quill: You got some acorns on you, kid. Rocket: Ever since you got a little sap, you're a total d-hole. Keep it up, and I'm gonna SMASH THAT THING TO PIECES! Mantis: What happened? Rocket: Looks like we're not getting paid. Wipers! Wipers! Get it off! Peter Quill: How the hell is this dude still alive? Drax: He is not a dude. You're a dude. This... this is a man. A handsome, muscular man. Peter Quill: I'm muscular. Rocket: Who are you kidding, Quill? You're one sandwich away from fat. Peter Quill: Yeah, right. Drax: It's true. You have gained a little weight.... Peter Quill: What? Gamora, do you think I'm... Mantis: He is anxious. Angry. He feels tremendous loss and guilt. Drax: It's like a pirate had a baby with an angel. Peter Quill: Wow. This is a real wake-up call for me. Okay. I'm gonna get a Bow-flex. I'm gonna commit. I'm gonna get some dumbbells. Rocket: You know you can't eat dumbbells, right? Gamora: It's like his muscles are made of Cotati metal fibers. Peter Quill: Stop massaging his muscles. Wake him up. Mantis: Wake. Thor: Who the hell are you guys? Gamora: The entire time I knew Thanos, he only ever had one goal: To bring balance to the Universe by wiping out half of all life. He used to kill people planet by planet, massacre by massacre... Drax: Including my own. Gamora: If he gets all six Infinity Stones, he can do it with the snap of his fingers, like this. Thor: You seem to know a great deal about Thanos. Drax: Gamora... is the daughter of Thanos. Thor: Your father killed my brother. Peter Quill: Oh, boy. Stepfather. Technically, she hates him as much as you do. Thor: Families can be tough. Before my father died, he told me I had a half-sister... that he imprisoned in Hel. Then she returned home, and stabbed me in the eye, so... I had to kill her. It's life, isn't it, I guess. Goes round and round and... I feel your pain. Peter Quill: And I feel your pain, as well. I mean it's not a competition, but I've been through a lot. My father killed my mother, then I had to kill my father. And that was hard. Probably even harder than having to kill a sister. Plus, I, came out of it with both of my eyes- Thor: I need a hammer, not a spoon.... How do I open this thing? Is there some sort of a four-digit code maybe... maybe a birth date or something.... Peter Quill: What are you doing? Thor: Taking your pod. Peter Quill: No, you're not! You'll not, be taking our pod today, sir. Rocket: Quill. Are you making your voice deeper? Peter Quill: No. Drax: You are. You're imitating the god-man. It's weird. Peter Quill: No I'm not. Mantis: He just did it again! Peter Quill: This is my voice! Thor: Are you mocking me? Peter Quill: Are you mocking me? Thor: Stop it. You did it again. Peter Quill: He's trying to copy me. Thor: Would you stop doing that? He's doing it first. Gamora: Enough! We need to stop Thanos. Which means we need to find out where he's going next. Thor: Knowhere. Mantis: He must be going somewhere. Peter Quill: No. Knowhere? It's a place. We've been there. It sucks. Excuse me, that's our food. Thor: Not anymore. Gamora: Thor... why would he go to Knowhere? Thor: Because for years, the Reality Stone has been safely stored, there with a man we call the Collector. Peter Quill: If it's with the Collector, then it's not safe. Only an idiot would give that man a stone. Thor: Or a genius. Gamora: How do you know he's not going for one of the other Stones? Thor: There's six stones out there. Thanos already has the Power Stone because he stole it last week, when he decimated Xandar. He stole the Space Stone from me when he destroyed my ship and slaughtered half my people. The Time and Mind Stones are safe on Earth. They're with the Avengers. Peter Quill: The 'Avengers'? Thor: Earth's Mightiest Heroes. Mantis: Like Kevin Bacon? Thor: He may be on the team. I don't know. Haven't been there in a while. As for the Soul Stone, well, no one's ever seen that. No one even knows where it is. Therefore, Thanos can't get it. Therefore, he's going to Knowhere. Hence, he'll be getting the Reality Stone. You're welcome. Gamora: Then we have to go to Knowhere now. Thor: Wrong! Where we have to go, is Nivadellir. Drax: That's a made up word. Thor: All words are made up. Rocket: Hold up, Nidavellir is real? Seriously? I mean, that place is a legend. They make the most powerful, horrific weapons to ever torment the Universe. I would very much like to go there, please. Thor: The rabbit is correct, and clearly the smartest among you. Rocket: Rabbit? Thor: Only Eitri the dwarf king can make me the weapon I need. I assume you're the captain, sir? Rocket: You're very perceptive. Thor: You seem like a noble leader. Will you join me on my quest to Nidavellir? Rocket: Lemme just ask the captain. Oh, wait a second, it's me! Yeah, I'll go. Thor: Wonderful. Peter Quill: Except for that I'm the captain. Thor: Quiet! Peter Quill: That's my backpack. Rocket: Go sit down. Peter Quill: Look, this is my ship. And I'm not goin' to... Wait, what kind of weapon are we talking about here? Thor: The Thanos killing kind. Peter Quill: Don't you think that we should all have a weapon like that? Thor: No. You simply lack the strength to wield them. Your bodies will crumble as your minds collapse into the madness. Rocket: Is it weird that I wanna do it even more now? Thor: A little bit. Yeah. Gamora: If we don't go to Knowhere and Thanos retrieves another stone, he'll be too powerful to stop. Thor: He already is. Rocket: I got it figured out. We got two ships, and a large assortment of morons. So me and Groot will go with the pirate-angel here, and the morons will go to Knowhere to try and stop Thanos. Cool? Cool. Thor: So cool. Peter Quill: For the record... I know that you're only going with him because it's where Thanos isn't. Rocket: You know, you shouldn't talk that way to your captain, Quill. Come on, Groot. Put that game down, you'll rot your brain. Thor: I bid you farewell and good luck, morons. Bye. Wanda Maximoff: Vis? Is it the stone again? Vision: It's as if it's speaking to me. Wanda Maximoff: What does it say? Vision: I don't... I don't know. But something... Tell me what you feel. Wanda Maximoff: I just feel you. So there's a 10 AM to Glasgow to give us more time together before you went back. Vision: What if I miss that train? Wanda Maximoff: There is an 11. Vision: What if I missed all the trains? What if this time, I didn't go back? Wanda Maximoff: You gave Stark your word. Vision: I'd rather give it to you. Wanda Maximoff: There are people who are expecting me too, you know. We both made promises. Vision: Not to each other. Wanda... for two years, we've stolen these moments, trying to see if this could work. And... I don't know. You know what, I'm just gonna speak for myself - I, I... I think... Wanda Maximoff: It works. Vision: It works. Then stay. Stay with me. Or not. If I'm overstepping... Wanda Maximoff: What are they? Vision: What the stone was warning me about. I have to go. Wanda Maximoff: No, Vision. Vision, if that's true... then maybe going isn't the best idea. Vision: Wanda, I... Wanda Maximoff: Vision! Vision: The blade. It stopped me from phasing. Wanda Maximoff: Is that even possible? Vision: It isn't supposed to be. My systems are failing. I'm beginning to think... we should have stayed in bed. Wanda Maximoff: Vis! Corvus Glaive: Give up the Stone, and she lives. Wanda Maximoff: Hands off. Come on. Come on. Come on, you gotta get up. You gotta get up. Come on. Hey. Hey. We have to go. Vision: Please. Please leave. Wanda Maximoff: You asked me to stay... I'm staying. Vision: Please. Wanda Maximoff: Get up. Proxima Midnight: Get up. Corvus Glaive: I can't. Natasha Romanoff: We don't wanna kill you. But we will. Proxima Midnight: You'll never get the chance again. Sam Wilson: Can you stand? Vision: Thank you, Captain. Steve Rogers: Let's get you on the jet. Natasha Romanoff: I thought we had a deal. Stay close, check in. Don't take any chances. Wanda Maximoff: I'm sorry. We just wanted time. Sam Wilson: Where to, Cap? Steve Rogers: Home. Gamora'S Mother: Shh. We'll be safe. We'll be safe. Ebony Maw: Zehobereians... Young Gamora: Mother! Where's my mother?! Ebony Maw: Zen-Whoberis... Choose a side, or die. Young Gamora: Mother! Ebony Maw: One side is a revelation. The other, an honor known only to a few. Thanos: What's wrong, little one? Young Gamora: My mother. Where is my mother? Thanos: What's your name? Young Gamora: Gamora. Thanos: You're quite the fighter, Gamora. Come. Let me help you. Look. Pretty, isn't it? Perfectly balanced. As all things should be. Too much to one side, or the other... Here. You try. Ebony Maw: Now go in peace, and meet your Maker. Thanos: Concentrate. There! You've got it. Peter Quill: Gamora. Do you know if these grenades are the "blow off your junk" kind or the gas kind? 'Cause I was thinking I might hang a couple on my belt right here. But I don't want to- Gamora: I need to ask a favor. Peter Quill: Yeah, sure. Gamora: One way or another, the path that we're on leads to Thanos. Peter Quill: Which is what the grenades are for. I'm sorry. What's the favor? Gamora: If things go wrong... If Thanos gets me... I want you to promise me... you'll kill me. Peter Quill: What? Gamora: I know something he doesn't. If he finds out... the entire Universe could be at risk. Peter Quill: What do you know? Gamora: If I tell you, you'd know, too. Peter Quill: If it's so important, shouldn't I? Gamora: Only if you wanna die. Peter Quill: Why does somebody always have to die in this scenario? Gamora: Just... trust me. And possibly, kill me. Peter Quill: I mean, I'd like to. I really would... Gamora: Swear to me. Swear to me on your mother. Peter Quill: Okay. Dude. How long have you been standing there? Drax: An hour. Peter Quill: An hour? Are you serious? Drax: I've mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still... that I become invisible to the eye... watch. Peter Quill: You're eating a zarg-nut. Drax: But my movement... was so slow... that it's imperceptible. Peter Quill: Mmm, no. Drax: I'm sure I'm invisible. Mantis: Hi, Drax. Drax: Damn it. Peter Quill: This place looks deserted. Drax: I'm reading movement from the third quadrant. Peter Quill: Yep. I'm picking that up, too. Let's put it down right here. Collector: I don't have it. Thanos: Everyone in the Galaxy knows you'd sell your own brother if you thought it would add the slightest trinket to your pathetic collection. I know you have the Reality Stone, Tivan. Giving it to me will spare you a great deal of suffering. Collector: I told you. I sold it. Why would I lie? Thanos: I imagine it's like breathing for you. Collector: Like suicide. Thanos: So you do understand. Not even you would surrender something so precious. Collector: I didn't know what it was. Thanos: Then you're more of a fool than I took you for. Last chance, charlatan. Where's the Stone? Drax: Today... Peter Quill: Drax. Drax. Drax: ...He pays for the deaths of my wife and daughter. Peter Quill: Drax, waaaaait! Not yet, not yet, not yet. Drax, Drax, Drax. He doesn't have the Stone yet. We get it, and then we can stop him. We have to get the Stone first. Yeah. Drax: No. No. For Ovette. For Camaria. Mantis: Sleeeep. Peter Quill: Okay. Gamora, Mantis, you go right. I'm... The other right! Thanos: Why? Why you? Daughter... Peter Quill: That was quick. Collector: Magnificent! Magnificent! Magnificent! Thanos: Is it sadness I sense in you, daughter? In my heart, I knew you still cared. But one ever knows for sure. Reality is often disappointing. That is, it was. Now... reality can be whatever I want. Gamora: You knew I'd come. Thanos: I counted on it. There's something we need to discuss, little one. Drax: Thanos! Peter Quill: Let her go, Grimace! Gamora: Peter... Peter Quill: I told you to go right. Gamora: Now? Really? Peter Quill: You let her go! Thanos: Ah, the boyfriend. Peter Quill: I like to think of myself more as a Titan-killing long-term booty call. Let her go. Gamora: Peter... Peter Quill: Or I'm gonna blow that nut sack of a chin right off your face! Gamora: Not him. You promised! You promised. Thanos: Oh, daughter. You expect too much from him. She's asked, hasn't she? Do it. DO IT!! Peter Quill: I told you to go right. Gamora: I love you, more than anything. Peter Quill: I love you, too. Thanos: I like you. Secretary Ross: Still no word from Vision? James Rhodes: Satellites lost him somewhere over Edinburgh. Secretary Ross: On a stolen Quinjet with four of the world's most wanted criminals. James Rhodes: You know they're only criminals because you've chosen to call them that, right, sir? Secretary Ross: My God, Rhodes, your talent for horseshit rivals my own. James Rhodes: If it weren't for those Accords, Vision would've been right here. Secretary Ross: I remember your signature on those papers, Colonel. James Rhodes: That's right. And I'm pretty sure I've paid for that. Secretary Ross: You have second thoughts? James Rhodes: Not anymore. Steve Rogers: Mr. Secretary. Secretary Ross: You got some nerve. I'll give you that. Natasha Romanoff: You could use some of that right now. Secretary Ross: The world's on fire. And you think, all is forgiven? Steve Rogers: I'm not looking for forgiveness. And I'm way past asking for permission. Earth just lost her best defender. So we're here to fight. And if you wanna stand in our way... we'll fight you, too. Secretary Ross: Arrest them. James Rhodes: All over it. That's a court-martial. It's great to see you, Cap. Steve Rogers: You too, Rhodey. James Rhodes: Well. You guys really look like crap. Must've been a rough couple of years. Sam Wilson: Yeah, well, the hotels weren't exactly five star. Bruce Banner: Uh, I think you look great. Uh... heh... Yeah. I'm back. Natasha Romanoff: Hi, Bruce. Bruce Banner: Nat. Sam Wilson: This is awkward. James Rhodes: So we gotta assume they're coming back, right? Wanda Maximoff: And they can clearly find us. Bruce Banner: We need all hands on deck. Where's Clint? Natasha Romanoff: After the whole Accords situation, he and Scott took a deal. It was too tough on their families, they're on house arrest. Bruce Banner: Who's Scott? Steve Rogers: Ant-Man. Bruce Banner: There's an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man? Okay, look... Thanos has the biggest army in the universe. And he is not gonna stop until he... he gets... Vision's Stone. Natasha Romanoff: Well then, we have to protect it. Vision: No, we have to destroy it. I've been giving a good deal of thought to this entity in my head, about its nature. But also, its composition. I think if it were exposed to a sufficiently powerful energy source, something, very similar to its own signature, perhaps... its molecular integrity could fail. Wanda Maximoff: And you, with it. We're not having this conversation. Vision: Eliminating the stone is the only way to be certain that Thanos can't get it. Wanda Maximoff: That's too high a price. Vision: Only you have the power to pay it. Thanos threatens half the Universe. One life cannot stand in the way of defeating him. Steve Rogers: But it should. We don't trade lives, Vision. Vision: Captain, 70 years ago, you laid down your life to save how many millions of people. Tell me, why is this any different? Bruce Banner: Because you might have a choice. Your mind is made up of a complex construct of overlays. J.A.R.V.I.S., Ultron, Tony, me, the Stone. All of them mixed together. All of them learning from one another. Wanda Maximoff: You're saying Vision isn't just the stone? Bruce Banner: I'm saying that if we take out the stone, there's still a whole lot of Vision left. Perhaps the best parts. Natasha Romanoff: Can we do that? Bruce Banner: Not me. Not here. James Rhodes: You better find someone, and somewhere fast. Ross isn't exactly just gonna let you guys have your old rooms back. Steve Rogers: I know somewhere. Okoye: You'll have the Kingsguard, and the Dora Milaje have been alerted. T'Challa: And the Border Tribe? Okoye: Those that are left. T'Challa: Send word to the Jabari as well. M'Baku likes a good fight. Okoye: And what of this one? T'Challa: This one may be tired of war. But the White Wolf has rested long enough. Bucky Barnes: Where's the fight? T'Challa: On its way. Ebony Maw: In all the time I've served Thanos, I've never failed him. If I were to reach our rendezvous on Titan with the Time Stone still attached to your vaguely irritating person, there would be... judgement. Give me... the stone. Tony Stark: Wow you're a seriously loyal piece of outerwear, aren't you? Peter Parker: Yeah, uh, speaking of loyalty... Tony Stark: What the- Peter Parker: I know what you're gonna say. Tony Stark: You should not be here. Peter Parker: I was gonna go home- Tony Stark: I don't wanna hear it. Peter Parker: But it was such a long way down and I just thought about you on the way... Tony Stark: And now I gotta hear it. Peter Parker: ...And I kinda stuck to the side of the ship. And this suit is ridiculously intuitive, by the way. So if anything, it's kinda your fault that I'm here. Tony Stark: What did you just say? Peter Parker: I take that back. And now I'm here in space. Tony Stark: Yeah. Right where I don't want you to be. This isn't Coney Island. This isn't a field trip. It's a one-way ticket. You hear me? Don't pretend like you thought this through. You could not have possibly thought this through. Peter Parker: No. I did think this through. Tony Stark: You could not have possibly thought this through. Peter Parker: It's just .. you can't be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man if there's no neighborhood. Okay. That didn't really make any sense, but you know what I'm trying to say. Tony Stark: Come on. We got a situation. See him down there? He's in trouble. What's your plan? Go. Peter Parker: Um. Okay, okay... uh... Okay. Did you ever see this really old movie, Aliens? Ebony Maw: Painful aren't they? They were originally designed for microsurgery. And any one of them... ...Could end your friend's life in an instant. Tony Stark: I gotta tell you, he's not really my friend. Saving his life is more a professional courtesy. Ebony Maw: You've saved nothing. Your powers are inconsequential compared to mine. Tony Stark: Yeah, but the kid's seen more movies. Peter Parker: Yes! Wait what are those?! Hey, we haven't officially met. Cool. Stephen Strange: We've gotta turn this ship around. Tony Stark: Yeah. Now he wants to run. Great plan. Stephen Strange: No, I want to protect the stone. Tony Stark: And I want you to thank me now. Go ahead, I'm listening. Stephen Strange: For what? Nearly blasting me into space? Tony Stark: Who just saved your magical ass? Me. Stephen Strange: I seriously don't know how you fit your head into that helmet. Tony Stark: Admit it. You should have ducked out when I told you to. I tried to bench you. You refused. Stephen Strange: Unlike everyone else in your life, I don't work for you. Tony Stark: And due to that fact, we're now in a flying doughnut billions of miles away from Earth with no backup. Peter Parker: I'm backup. Tony Stark: No. You're a stowaway. The adults are talking. Stephen Strange: I'm sorry, I'm confused as to the relationship here. Wh- what is he, your ward? Peter Parker: No. I'm Peter, by the way. Stephen Strange: Dr. Strange. Peter Parker: Oh, we're using our made-up names. Um... I'm Spider-Man, then. Tony Stark: This ship is self-correcting its course. Thing's on autopilot. Stephen Strange: Can we control it? Fly us home? Stark? Tony Stark: Yeah? Stephen Strange: Can you get us home? Tony Stark: Yeah I heard you. I'm thinking... I'm not so sure we should. Stephen Strange: Under no circumstance can we bring the Time Stone to Thanos. I don't think you quite understand what's at stake here. Tony Stark: No. It's you who doesn't understand, that Thanos has been inside my head for six years since he sent an army to New York and now he's back! And I don't know what to do. So I'm not so sure if it's a better plan to fight him on our turf or his but you saw what they did, what they can do. At least on his turf, he's not expecting it. So I say we take the fight to him. Doctor. Do you concur? Stephen Strange: Alright, Stark. We go to him. But you have to understand... if it comes to saving you or the kid or the Time Stone... I will not hesitate to let either of you die. I can't, because the fate of the universe depends on it. Tony Stark: Nice. Good. Moral compass. We're straight. Alright, kid. You're an Avenger now. Thanos: I thought you might be hungry. Gamora: I always hated that chair. Thanos: So I've been told. Even so. I'd hoped you'd sit on it one day. Gamora: I hated this room. This ship. I hated my life. Thanos: You told me that too. Every day. For almost twenty years. Gamora: I was a child when you took me. Thanos: I saved you. Gamora: No. No. We were happy on my home planet. Thanos: Going to bed hungry, scrounging for scraps. Your planet was on the brink of collapse. I'm the one who stopped that. Do you know what's happened since then? The children born have known nothing but full bellies and clear skies. It's a paradise. Gamora: Because you murdered half the planet. Thanos: A small price to pay for salvation. Gamora: You're insane. Thanos: Little one, it's a simple calculus. This universe is finite, its resources finite. If life is left unchecked, life will cease to exist. It needs correction. Gamora: You don't know that! Thanos: I'm the only one who knows that. At least, I'm the only one with the will to act on it. For a time... you had that same will... as you fought by my side. Daughter. Gamora: I'm not your daughter. Everything I hate about myself you taught me. Thanos: And in doing so, made you the fiercest woman in the galaxy. That's why I trusted you to find the Soul Stone. Gamora: I'm sorry I disappointed you. Thanos: I am disappointed. But not because you didn't find it. But because you did. And you lied. Gamora: Nebula. Don't do this. Thanos: Some time ago, your sister snuck aboard this ship to kill me. Gamora: Please don't do this. Thanos: And very nearly succeeded. So I brought her here. To talk. Gamora: Stop. Stop it. I swear to you on my life. I never found the Soul Stone. Nebula: You know what he's about to do. He's finally ready, and he's going for the stones. All of them. Gamora: He can never get them all. Nebula: He will! Gamora: He can't, Nebula. Because I found the map to the Soul Stone and I burnt it to ash. I burnt it. Thanos: You're strong. Me. You're generous. Me. But I never taught you to lie. That's why you're so bad at it. Where is the Soul Stone? Gamora: Vormir! The Stone is on Vormir. Thanos: Show me. Groot: I am Groot. Rocket: Tinkle in the cup. We're not looking. What's there to see? What's a twig? Everybody's seen a twig. Groot: I am Groot. Thor: Tree, pour what's in the cup out in space, and go in the cup again. Rocket: You speak Groot? Thor: Yes, they taught it on Asgard. It was an elective. Groot: I am Groot. Thor: You'll know when we're there. Nivadellir's forge harnesses the power of a blazing neutron star. It's the birth place of my hammer. It's truly awesome. Rocket: Okay, time to be the captain. So, dead brother, huh? Yeah, that can be annoying. Thor: Well, he's been dead before, but this time I think it really might be true. Rocket: And you said your sister and your dad? Thor: Both dead. Rocket: Still got a mom, though? Thor: Killed by a dark elf. Rocket: A best friend? Thor: Stabbed through the heart. Rocket: Are you sure you're up to this particular murder mission? Thor: Absolutely. Rage, vengeance, anger, loss, regret... they're all tremendous motivators. They really clear the mind. So I'm good to go. Rocket: Yeah, but this Thanos we're talking about... he's the toughest there is. Thor: Well, he's never fought me. Rocket: Yeah, he has! Thor: He's never fought me twice. And I'm getting a new hammer, don't forget. Rocket: Better be some hammer. Thor: You know, I'm 1,500 years old. I've killed twice as many enemies as that, and every one would have rather killed me, but none succeeded. I'm only alive because fate wants me alive. Thanos is the latest in a long line of bastards and he will be the latest to feel my vengeance. Fate wills it so. Rocket: And what if you're wrong? Thor: If I'm wrong then... what more could I lose? Rocket: I could lose a lot. Me personally. I could lose a lot. Okay. If fate does want you to kill that crapsack... you're gonna need more than one stupid eyeball. Thor: What's this? Rocket: What's it look like? Some jerk lost a bet with me on on Contraxia. Thor: He gave you his eye? Rocket: He gave me 100 credits. I snuck in later that night and stole his eye. Thor: Thank you, sweet rabbit. Rocket: Hmm. Huh? Oh. I would've washed that. The only way I could sneak it off Contraxia was up my... Hey, we're here! Thor: I don't think this thing works. Everything seems dark. Rocket: It ain't the eye. Thor: Something's wrong. The star's gone out. And the rings are frozen. Rocket: I hope these dwarves are better at forging than they are cleaning. Maybe they realized they live in a junk pile in the middle of space. Thor: This forge hasn't gone dark in centuries... Rocket: You said Thanos had a gauntlet, right? Thor: Yes. Why? Rocket: Look anything like that? Groot: I am Groot. Thor: Go back to the pod. Eitri, wait! Stop! Eitri: Thor? Thor: What happened here? Eitri: You were supposed to protect us. Asgard was supposed to protect us! Thor: Asgard is destroyed. Eitri, the glove. What did you do? Eitri: 300 dwarves lived on this ring. I thought if I did what he asked, they'd be safe. I made what he wanted. A device capable of harnessing the power of the stones. Then he killed everyone anyway. All except me. 'Your life is yours,' he said. 'But your hands are mine alone.' Thor: Eitri, this isn't about your hands. Every weapon you've ever designed: every ax, hammer, sword - it's all inside your head. Now I know it feels like all hope is lost. Trust me, I know. But together, you and I, we can kill Thanos. Nebula: Mantis, listen very carefully. I need you to meet me on Titan. Peter Parker: Hey, what's going on? Stephen Strange: I think we're here. Tony Stark: I don't think this rig has a self-park function. Get your hand into this steering gimbal. Close those around it. You understand? Peter Parker: Yep, got it. Tony Stark: This was meant for one big guy, so we gotta to move at the same time. Peter Parker: Okay. Okay. Ready. We might wanna turn. Turn! Turn! Turn!! Tony Stark: You alright? That was close. I owe you one. Peter Parker: Let me just say, if aliens wind up implanting eggs in my chest or something, and I eat one of you, I'm sorry. Tony Stark: I don't wanna hear another single pop culture out of you for the rest of the trip. You understand? Peter Parker: I'm trying to say that... something is coming. Drax: THANOS!!!! Peter Parker: AH! Whoawhoawhoawhoa! PLEASE DON'T PUT YOUR EGGS IN ME! Peter Quill: Stay down, clown! Drax: Die, blanket of death! Peter Quill: Alright, everybody, stay where you are... chill the F out. I'm gonna ask you this one time. Where's Gamora? Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll do you one better. Who's Gamora? Drax: I'll do you one better. Why is Gamora? Peter Quill: Tell me where the girl is, or I swear to you, I'm gonna French-fry this little freak. Tony Stark: Let's do it! You shoot my guy, I blast him. Let's go! Drax: Do it, Quill! I can take it. Mantis: No, he can't take it! Stephen Strange: She's right. You can't. Peter Quill: Oh yeah? You don't wanna tell me where she is? That's fine. I'll kill all three of you and beat it out of Thanos myself. Starting with you. Stephen Strange: Wait, what. Thanos? Alright, let me ask you this one time: What master do you serve? Peter Quill: What master do I serve? What am I supposed to say? "Jesus"? Tony Stark: You're from Earth? Peter Quill: I'm not from Earth. I'm from Missouri. Tony Stark: Yeah, that's on Earth, dip-shit. What are you hassling us for? Peter Parker: So, you're not with Thanos? Peter Quill: With Thanos?! No, I'm here to kill Thanos! He took my girl- Wai- who are you? Peter Parker: We're the Avengers, man. Peter Quill: Oh. Mantis: You're the ones Thor told us about! Tony Stark: You know Thor!? Peter Quill: Yeah. Tall guy, not that good-looking, needed saving. Stephen Strange: Where is he now? Rocket: This is the plan? We're gonna hit him with a brick? Eitri: It's a mold. A king's weapon. Meant to be the greatest in Asgard. In theory, it could even summon the Bifrost. Thor: Did it have a name? Eitri: Stormbreaker. Rocket: That's a bit much. Thor: So how do we make it? Eitri: You'll have to restart the forge. Awaken the heart of a dying star. Thor: Rabbit, fire up the pod. Peter Quill: The heck happened to this planet? It's eight degrees off its axis. Gravitational pull is all over the place. Tony Stark: Yeah, we got one advantage. He's coming to us. We'll use it. All right, I have a plan. Or at least the beginnings of one. It's pretty simple. We draw him in, pin him down, get what we need. Definitely don't wanna dance with this guy. We just want the gauntlet. Are you yawning? In the middle of this, while I'm breaking it down? Huh? Did you hear what I said? Drax: I stopped listening after you said, "We need a plan." Tony Stark: Okay, Mr. Clean is on his own page. Peter Quill: See, "not winging it" isn't really what they do. Peter Parker: Uh, what exactly is it that they do? Mantis: Kick names, take ass. Drax: Yeah, that's right. Tony Stark: Alright, just get over here, please. Mr. Lord, can you get your folks to circle up? Peter Quill: "Mr. Lord." Star-Lord is fine. Tony Stark: We gotta coalesce. 'Cause if all we come at him with is a plucky attitude... Peter Quill: Dude, don't call us plucky. We don't know what it means. Alright, we're optimistic, yes. I like your plan. Except it sucks, so let me do the plan, and that way it might be really good. Drax: Tell him about the dance-off to save the universe. Tony Stark: What dance-off? Peter Quill: It's not a... it's not... it's nothing. Peter Parker: Like in Footloose, the movie? Peter Quill: Exactly like Footloose. Is it still the greatest movie in history? Peter Parker: It never was. Tony Stark: Don't encourage this, alright? Peter Parker: Okay. Tony Stark: We're getting no help from Flash Gordon here. Peter Quill: Flash Gordon? By the way, that's a compliment. Don't forget, I'm half human. So that 50% of me that's stupid? That's 100% you. Tony Stark: Your math is blowing my mind. Mantis: Excuse me, but... does your friend often do that? Tony Stark: Strange, we alright? You're back. You're alright. Peter Parker: Hey, what was that? Stephen Strange: I went forward in time to view alternate futures. To see all the possible outcomes of the coming conflict. Peter Quill: How many did you see? Stephen Strange: 14,000,605 Tony Stark: How many did we win? Stephen Strange: One. Thanos: The stone had better be up there... for your sister's sake. Red Skull: Welcome, Thanos, son of A'lars. Gamora, daughter of Thanos. Thanos: You know us? Red Skull: It is my curse to know all who journey here. Thanos: Where's the Soul Stone? Red Skull: You should know... it extracts a terrible price. Thanos: I am prepared. Red Skull: We all think that at first. We are all wrong. Thanos: How is it you know this place so well? Red Skull: A lifetime ago, I, too, sought the stones. I even held one in my hand. But it cast me out, banished me here. Guiding others to a treasure I cannot possess. What you seek lies before you. As does what you fear. Thanos: What's this? Red Skull: The price. Soul hold a special place among the Infinity Stones. You might say it has a certain wisdom. Thanos: Tell me what it needs. Red Skull: To ensure that whoever possesses it... understands its power... The stone demands a sacrifice. Thanos: Of what? Red Skull: In order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love. A soul, for a soul. Gamora: All my life, I dreamed of a day... a moment when you would get what you deserved. And I was always so disappointed. But now... you kill and torture... and you call it mercy. The universe has judged you. You asked it for a prize, and it told you no. You failed. And do you wanna know why? Because you love nothing. No one. Really? Tears? Red Skull: They're not for him. Gamora: No! This isn't love! Thanos: I ignored my destiny once. I cannot do that again. Even for you. I'm sorry, little one. Gamora: No! Steve Rogers: Drop to 2600, heading 0-3-0. Sam Wilson: I hope you're right about this, Cap. Or we're gonna land a lot faster than you want to. Okoye: When you said we were going to open Wakanda to the rest of the world... this is not what I imagined. T'Challa: And what did you imagine? Okoye: The Olympics. Maybe even a Starbucks. Bruce Banner: Should we bow? James Rhodes: Yeah, he's a king. Steve Rogers: Seems like I'm always thanking you for something. James Rhodes: What are you doing? T'Challa: Uh, we don't do that here. So how big of an assault can we expect? Bruce Banner: Uh, sir, I think you can expect quite a big assault. Natasha Romanoff: How we looking? T'Challa: You will have my Kingsguard, the Border Tribe, the Dora Milaje, and... Bucky Barnes: A semi-stable, 100-year-old man. Steve Rogers: How you been, Buck? Bucky Barnes: Uh, not bad, for the end of the world. Shuri: Whoa. The structure is polymorphic. Bruce Banner: Right, we had to attach each neuron non-sequentially. Shuri: Why didn't you just reprogram the synapses to work collectively? Bruce Banner: Because, we didn't think of it. Shuri: I'm sure you did your best. Wanda Maximoff: Can you do it? Shuri: Yes, but there are more than two trillion neurons here. One misalignment could cause a cascade of circuit failures. It will take time, brother. Steve Rogers: How long? Shuri: As long as you can give me. Okoye: Something's entered the atmosphere. Sam Wilson: Hey, Cap, we got a situation here. Bucky Barnes: God, I love this place. James Rhodes: Yeah, don't start celebrating yet, guys. We got more incoming outside the dome. Vision: It's too late. We need to destroy the stone now. Natasha Romanoff: Vision, get your ass back on the table. T'Challa: We will hold them off. Steve Rogers: Wanda, as soon as the stone's out of his head... you blow it to hell. Wanda Maximoff: I will. T'Challa: Evacuate the city. Engage all defense procedures. And get this man a shield. Rocket: I don't think you get the scientifics here. These rings are gigantic. You wanna get them moving, you're gonna need something a lot bigger to yank 'em loose. Thor: Leave that to me. Rocket: Leave that to you? Buddy, you're in space. All you got is a rope and a- Thor: Fire the engines! Rocket: Nnnyah! Thor: MORE... POWER... RABBIT! Eitri: Well done, boy. Thor: That's Nivadellir! Eitri: Damn it. Rocket: "Damn it"? What's "damn it"? Eitri: The mechanism is crippled. Thor: What? Eitri: With the iris closed I can't heat the metal. Thor: How long will it take to heat? Eitri: A few minutes, maybe more. Why? Thor: I'm gonna hold it open. Eitri: That's suicide. Thor: So is facing Thanos without that ax. Natasha Romanoff: How we looking, Bruce? Bruce Banner: Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it. Wow! It's like being the Hulk without actually- I'm okay. I'm okay. James Rhodes: I got two heat signatures breaking through the tree line. Jabari Warriors: MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! MIE EFFA! YA HU! T'Challa: Thank you for standing with us. M'Baku: Of course, brother. Natasha Romanoff: Where's your other friend? Proxima Midnight: You will pay for his life with yours. Thanos will have that stone. Steve Rogers: That's not gonna happen. T'Challa: You are in Wakanda now. Thanos will have nothing but dust and blood. Proxima Midnight: We... have blood to spare. Bucky Barnes: Did they surrender? Steve Rogers: Not exactly. Bucky Barnes: What the hell. Natasha Romanoff: Looks like we pissed her off. Okoye: They're killing themselves. Sam Wilson: You seen the teeth on those things? James Rhodes: Alright, back up, Sam. You're gonna get your wings singed. Bruce Banner: Cap, if these things circle the perimeter and get in behind us... there's nothing between them and Vision. Steve Rogers: Them we better keep 'em in front of us. Okoye: How do we do that? T'Challa: We open the barrier. On my signal, open North-West Section Seventeen. Dome Control: Requesting confirmation, my King. You said open the barrier? T'Challa: On my signal. M'Baku: This will be the end of Wakanda. Okoye: Then it will be the noblest ending in history. T'Challa: WAKANDA FOREVER!!!! Now! How much longer, Shuri? Shuri: We've barely begun, brother. T'Challa: You might want to pick up the pace. Thor: Allfathers, give me strength. Eitri: You understand, boy? You're about to take the full force of a star. It'll kill you. Thor: Only if I die. Eitri: Yes. That's what... "killing you" means. Hold it! Hold it, Thor! Rocket: Thor! Say something. Come on. Thor, you okay? I think he's dying! Eitri: He needs the ax! Where's the handle? Tree, help me find the handle! Bruce Banner: There's too many of them! GYAH! AAAAHHHHH! AH-hahaha! You guys are so screwed now! Thor: BRING ME THANOS! Stephen Strange: Oh, yeah, you're much more of a "Thanos." Thanos: I take it the Maw is dead. This day extracts a heavy toll. Still, he accomplished his mission. Stephen Strange: You may regret that. He brought you face-to-face with the Master of the Mystic Arts. Thanos: And where do you think he brought you? Stephen Strange: Let me guess. Your home? Thanos: It was. And it was beautiful. Titan was like most planets. Too many mouths, and not enough to go around. And when we faced extinction, I offered a solution. Stephen Strange: Genocide. Thanos: But at random, dispassionate, fair to rich and poor alike. They called me a madman. And what I predicted came to pass. Stephen Strange: Congratulations. You're a prophet. Thanos: I'm a survivor. Stephen Strange: Who wants to murder trillions. Thanos: With all six stones, I could simply snap my fingers, and they would all cease to exist. I call that... mercy. Stephen Strange: And then what? Thanos: I finally rest... and watch the sun rise on a grateful universe. The hardest choices require the strongest wills. Stephen Strange: I think... you'll find... our will... equal to yours. Thanos: Ours? Tony Stark: Piece of cake, Quill. Peter Quill: Yeah, if your goal was to piss him off! Boom! Stephen Strange: Do not let him close his fist. Peter Parker: Magic! More magic! Magic with a kick! Magic with a- Thanos: Insect! Well, well. Nebula: You should have killed me. Thanos: It would've been a waste of parts! Nebula: Where's Gamora?! Tony Stark: Is he under? Don't let up. Mantis: Be quick. He is very strong. Tony Stark: Parker, help! Get over here. She can't hold him much longer. Let's go. Peter Quill: I thought you'd be harder to catch. For the record, this was my plan. Not so strong now, huh? Where is Gamora? Thanos: My Gamora...? Peter Quill: No, bull-shit. Where is she? Mantis: He is in anguish. Peter Quill: Good. Mantis: He... he mourns. Drax: What does this monster have to mourn? Nebula: Gamora. Peter Quill: What? Nebula: He took her to Vormir. He came back with the Soul Stone... but she didn't. Tony Stark: Okay, Quill, you gotta cool it right now, you understand? Don't, don't, don't engage, we've almost got this off! Peter Quill: Tell me she's lying. Asshole! Tell me you didn't do it! Thanos: I... had... to. Peter Quill: No, you didn't...! No, you didn't...! NO, YOU DIDN'T! Tony Stark: Quill! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Peter Parker: It's coming! It's coming! It's coming! I got it! I got it... ! Oh, God. Rocket: Come and get some, space dogs! Come on, get some, get some! Come on, get some! How much for the gun? Bucky Barnes: Not for sale. Rocket: Okay, how much for the arm? Oh, I'll get that arm. Steve Rogers: New haircut? Thor: Notice you've copied my beard. By the way, this is a friend of mine. Tree. Groot: I AM GROOT! Steve Rogers: I am Steve Rogers. T'Challa: Fall back! Fall back now! James Rhodes: Focus that fire on the left flank, Sam. Sam Wilson: I'm doing it. Okoye: Why was she up there all this time? Proxima Midnight: She's on the field. Take it. Sam Wilson: Guys, we got a Vision situation here. Steve Rogers: Somebody get to Vision! Bruce Banner: I got him! Wanda Maximoff: On my way. Proxima Midnight: He'll die alone. As will you. Natasha Romanoff: She's not alone. Proxima Midnight: Euuyaaah! Bruce Banner: Oh no, oh no you don't. This isn't going to be like New York, pal. This suit's already kicked the crap out of the Hulk- Guys! Vision needs backup now! Hulk. Hulk, I know you like making your entrance at the last second, well, this is it, man. This is the last, last second. Ahhhhh! Hulk! Hulk! HULK! Hulk: NOOOO!!! Bruce Banner: Oh, screw you, ya big green asshole! I'll do it myself! Come on! See you later, Alligator! Hulk, we got a lot to figure out, pal. Corvus Glaive: I thought you were formidable, machine. But you're dying, like any man. Steve Rogers: Get outta here! GO! Natasha Romanoff: That was really gross. Steve Rogers: I thought I told you to go. Vision: We don't trade lives, Captain. Peter Parker: I got you! I got you! I'm sorry I can't remember anybody's names! Thanos: You're full of tricks, wizard. Stephen Strange: No! Thanos: Yet you never once used your greatest weapon. A fake. Tony Stark: You throw another moon at me, and I'm gonna to lose it. Thanos: Stark. Tony Stark: You know me? Thanos: I do. You're not the only one cursed with knowledge. Tony Stark: My only curse is you. Thanos: Come on! All that for a drop of blood. You have my respect, Stark. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive. I hope they remember you. Stephen Strange: Stop! Spare his life... and I will give you the stone. Thanos: No tricks. Tony Stark: Don't...! Thanos: One to go. Peter Quill: Where is he?! Did we just lose? Tony Stark: Why would you do that? Stephen Strange: We're in the Endgame now. M'Baku: MAYEFA! Jabari Warriors: YA HU HU! Wanda Maximoff: Are you okay? What? What is it? Vision: He's here. Steve Rogers: Everyone, on my position. We have incoming. Natasha Romanoff: What the hell? Bruce Banner: Cap. That's him. Steve Rogers: Eyes up. Stay sharp. Vision: Wanda. It's time. Wanda Maximoff: No. Vision: They can't stop him, Wanda, but we can. Look at me. You have the power to destroy the stone. Wanda Maximoff: Don't. Vision: You must do it. Wanda, please. We. Are. Out of time. Wanda Maximoff: I can't. Vision: Yes, you can. You can. If he gets the stone, half the universe dies. Wanda Maximoff: It's not fair. Vision: It shouldn't be you, but it is. It's all right. You could never hurt me. I just... feel you. It's all right. It's all right. I love you. Thanos: I understand, my child. Better than anyone. Wanda Maximoff: You could never. Thanos: Today, I lost more than you can know. But now is no time to mourn. Now... is no time at all. Wanda Maximoff: No! Thor: I told you. You'd die for that! Thanos: You should have... you... You should have gone for the head! Thor: NO! Thanos: Daughter? Gamora: Did you do it? Thanos: Yes. Gamora: What did it cost? Thanos: Everything. Thor: What'd you do? WHAT'D YOU DO?! Steve Rogers: Where'd he go? Thor... where'd he go? Bucky Barnes: Steve? T'Challa: Up, General. Up! This is no place to die. Okoye: Kumkani?! Groot: I am Groot... Rocket: No... no. No. No. No! Groot, no... James Rhodes: Sam? Sam, where you at?! Mantis: Something's happening. Drax: Quill? Tony Stark: Steady, Quill. Peter Quill: Aw, man. Stephen Strange: Tony, there was no other way. Peter Parker: Mr. Stark? I don't feel so good... Tony Stark: You're all right? Peter Parker: I don't know what's - I don't know what's happening. I don't- I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, Mr. Stark, please. Please, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go... I'm sorry. Nebula: He did it. James Rhodes: What is this? What the hell is happening? Steve Rogers: Oh, God. Nick Fury: Still no word from Stark? Maria Hill: No, not yet. We're watching every satellite in both hemispheres, there's still nothing. Nick Fury: What is it? Maria Hill: Multiple bogeys over Wakanda. Nick Fury: Same energy signatures as New York? Maria Hill: Ten times bigger. Nick Fury: Tell Klein. We'll meet him at- - Maria Hill: Nick, Nick! Nick Fury: They okay? Maria Hill: There's no one here. Nick Fury: Call Control. Code Red. Maria Hill: Nick? Nick Fury: Hill? Oh, no. Motherf-
Riker: You're absolutely right, Doctor. Right now, I can't imagine ever hurting anybody. Doctor: How do you feel about that person you used to be? Riker: I feel terrible. But thanks to you, I'm doing much better now. And I'm confident that when I leave, I will be ready to take my place in society again. Doctor: When do you think that will be? Riker: Well, now. Right away. Doctor: Why do you say that? Riker: You said that when I was able to accept what I'd done and I understood the consequences of my actions, that I would be free to go. Doctor: Free to go? You mean you don't think you should stand trial for what you've did? Riker: No, I'm looking forward to proving my innocence. Doctor: I thought you said you accepted what you'd done. Riker: That's, that's not what I meant. I was sick when it happened. I wasn't responsible for what I did. Doctor: How do I know you're not just telling me what I want to hear? Perhaps we should continue this discussion next week. Riker: No. I want to talk about this now. Doctor: You're starting to sound angry again. Maybe you need another treatment. Riker: What I need is to get out of this cell. I've been locked in here for days. You've controlled my every move. You've told me what to eat, and what to think, and what to say, and when I show a glimmer of independent thought you strap me down, you inject me with drugs. You call it a treatment. Doctor: You're becoming agitated. Riker: You bet I'm agitated. I may be surrounded by insanity, but I'm not insane. And there isn't any. There isn't. There's nothing. 'm sorry. Could we go back to 'you're becoming agitated'? Crusher: No. Why don't we take a break for tonight? I think we've made a lot of progress. Riker: I'm still not comfortable with that final speech. Crusher: There's such a thing as over-rehearsing, Will. You're going to be fine. Riker: Maybe I'm just not right for this part. Data: Most humanoids have the potential to be irrational. Perhaps you should attempt to access that part of your psyche. Crusher: Thank you, Data. Your character feels at odds with everyone, as if the world's against him. Riker: Like my first year at the Academy. Crusher: Yes, that's what your character is going through. But I want you, Will Riker, to relax. Riker: I'll do my best. Crusher: It'll be wonderful. You're going to knock 'em dead. Riker: Right. Riker: You control my every move, tell me what to say, what to think. What to eat, what to say. What to think, what to eat. Then when I show a glimmer of independent thought, you strap me down, inject me with drugs, call it a treatment. I may be surrounded by insanity, but I am not insane. Riker: Excuse me. Riker: Tilonus Four? Didn't their government just collapse? Picard: It's in a state of total anarchy. When the Prime Minister was assassinated, a Federation research team was on the planet. It's believed that they were forced into hiding. Your mission will be to locate and to evacuate them. Riker: Can't they go to local authorities? Picard: There are no local authorities. The government is splintered. It seems that there are various factions vying for power. They're desperate for weapons or technology of any kind. Apparently, some of the factions have resorted to torture to gather their information. Well, a Starfleet research team would be a prime target. Riker: Then I'll have to go down there alone, undercover. Picard: Agreed. Mister Worf is ready to give you a detailed briefing on Tilonian culture. Riker: Well, I guess I'll have to back out of Beverly's play after all. Picard: Oh no, no, there'll be plenty of time for that. We don't arriving at Tilonus for another five days. And besides, if you back out, she'll come after me to play the part. Worf: This is the last known location of the research team. They had occupied a small building in the south-west quarter of the city. You will begin your search there. Riker: The south-west quarter covers over two hundred square kilometers. That's a lot of land for one man to cover. I guess I'd better pack an extra pair of boots. Worf: This apparel will allow you to pass as a common merchant. This Tilonian pendant is equipped with a communicator circuit. Riker: It doesn't really match the outfit. Worf: I suggest you pay closer attention, Commander. Your life will be at stake. Do you understand what I am saying? Riker: Of course I do. Worf: Because you will be posing as a merchant, you will need to know how to use the nisroh for the traditional bartering ceremony. Worf: You will be judged on your prowess with the blade. Worf: I am sorry, Commander! I did not intend Riker: It's okay. I guess I really wasn't paying attention. I'd better go to Sickbay. We'll continue this later. Crusher: Boy, you will do anything to get out of doing this play, but you're going to have to do something better than this. Riker: The play's not till tomorrow night. I've still got twenty four hours. Crusher: Don't get any ideas. I will see you on stage at eighteen hundred hours. Riker: Right. That still hurts. Crusher: There was no damage to the nerves so you shouldn't be feeling any pain. Riker: Probably just a symptom of stage fright. Crewman: It hurts! Laforge: He was working on a conduit on deck thirty nine. A plasma torch blew up in his hands. Crewman: It hurts! Please! Crusher: Hypospray. Medic: Yes, Doctor. Crusher: Get me twenty cc's of opporozine. Treat the surface burns with the anabolic stabilizer. Medic: Yes, Doctor. Nurse: Should we get a stasis unit? Crusher: Have one standing by just in case. Get me an epidermal sample. Begin dermal regeneration. Have tissue regrowth standing by. I want him sedated. Riker: I've been on a lot of missions, seen a lot of people injured, but I've never been affected by anything like this. He was looking right at me. Troi: And that was disturbing to you. Riker: It was as if he was blaming me for something. This wasn't the only incident. The last several days, I've felt like everybody's staring at me or talking about me. It's as if I was in Frame of Mind. Troi: Frame of Mind? Riker: Beverly's play. Ever since I began rehearsing for the role, I've been uneasy and restless. Troi: You're probably drawing on feelings that you're not used to expressing. Riker: Right. The play is full of disturbing images. People losing their minds, being tortured by doctors. I can't get it out of my mind. Troi: Sometimes it's healthy to explore the darker sides of the psyche. Jung called it owning your own shadow. This could be a sign that you're a real actor. This is becoming more than just a role to you. Riker: Maybe you're right. Troi: Don't be afraid of your darker side. Have fun with it. Riker: Who was that? You just missed him. Is there a new Lieutenant on board? Troi: I'm not sure. Do you want me to check the personnel logs? Riker: No, I'll check them tomorrow. I'm going to bed early. The performance is tomorrow night. I want to be up for it. Troi: I'm looking forward to it. Break a leg. Riker: I'll try not to take you literally. Data: You're becoming agitated. Riker: You bet I'm agitated! I may be surrounded by insanity, but I am not insane. And nothing you or anyone else can say will change that. And I won't let you or anyone else tell me that I am. You may be able to destroy my mind, but you can't change the fact that I'm innocent. I didn't kill that man! And that's what's driving you crazy. Data: I can see we have a lot of work to do. Riker: No matter you can say will the fact that I'm innocent! I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. Crowd: Bravo, bravo! Well done. Bravo. Riker: Where am I? How did you get me off the ship? Syrus: The ship again? Riker: What's going on? Syrus: I understand this must be disturbing for you, but try to relax. Tell me, where were you a moment ago? Riker: I was on the Enterprise in the middle of a play. But it was here. It was not real, it was on a stage. Syrus: I can assure you this is not a stage. Do you remember your name? Riker: I'm Commander. Commander. A second ago I knew who I was. I was on the ship. I was in a play. And now I'm having trouble remembering anything. Syrus: That's good. You're starting to come out of your delusional state. Riker: Delusional? It was not a delusion. I was there. Syrus: We discussed this. Do you remember, we contacted Starfleet and asked them about you? Riker: No. Syrus: We spoke with Admiral Budrow. Riker: Starbase twenty nine. He had never heard of me, and they had no officer that fit my description. Syrus: That's right. Now, I want you to focus on who I am. Do you remember me? Riker: I don't know. Syrus: I'm Doctor Syrus. Do you remember anything about where you are now? Riker: My head hurts. Somebody hit me. Syrus: You tried to escape. You struggled with one of the attendants and hit your head on a door. Do you remember that? Riker: Yes. I remember that now. But I thought it was a Klingon who had cut me with a knife. Syrus: That's called transposition. You're projecting elements from your delusions onto events that really happened. But that's good. There was a time when you couldn't break away from your starship fantasy at all. Riker: Now, if what you say is true, where am I? Syrus: You're in Ward forty seven of the Tilonus Institute for Mental Disorders. Riker: Why am I here? Syrus: We'll talk more later. You don't have to remember everything today. You're making excellent progress. Riker: Wait. Mavek: Good afternoon. I've got some good news for you. Doctor Syrus suggested that you might enjoy a couple of hours in the common area today. Well? Riker: I guess so. Mavek: I hope you're hungry. They're serving spiny lobe-fish today. Riker: You won't need that. Mavek: That's what you said the last time. Mavek: I'll be back with your lunch. Jaya: I hear you're a Starfleet officer. I'm Commander Bloom from the Yorktown. There are at least a dozen of us here, maybe more. We were kidnapped, brought here against our will. Sanders was on the Yosemite. They did something to his mind. I think they're trying to get neurochemicals from our brains. Stafko was with me on the Yorktown. I don't know what they did to him. We're going to get out of here. I've made a communicator. Riker: You have? Jaya: Yes. There are three starships in orbit. They're going to beam us out of here any day now. I'll tell them to get you out, too. Lieutenant Bloom to Yorktown. Come in, Yorktown. I've made contact with another officer. Mavek: Talking to your Starship again, Jaya? Jaya: No. Don't let them tell you you're crazy. Mavek: You know you're not supposed to take utensils from the common area. Mavek: You're welcome to try. Riker: I'm not that far gone, am I? Mavek: Of course you are. Riker: Your name is Mavek. Mavek: That's right. Not bad for a crazy man. Riker: I am beginning to remember certain things. Why am I here? Mavek: I remember when they brought you in. You were struggling, screaming. We could barely hold you down. In fact, just getting the blood off your hands took over an hour. Riker: Blood? Mavek: On your hands, clothes. You didn't just kill that man, you mutilated him. Riker: What are you talking about? I didn't kill anybody. Mavek: I'm afraid you did. You stabbed him. They found you near the body, the knife in your hand. Riker: No. It's not true. Mavek: Yes it is. And if you get out of here, you're going to stand trial. Riker: You're lying! Mavek: I imagine the punishment will be quite severe, considering you stabbed him nine times. Riker: No! Riker: I was there, in Ward forty seven, just like in the play. Everyone thought that I was insane, that I'd actually killed someone. But it was all real. Crusher: Deanna mentioned that you went to bed early because you were feeling a little anxious about the play, but I had no idea. You said that in your dream, we performed the play. How'd it go? Riker: It was a smash. We got a standing ovation. Crusher: Let's hope it goes that well tonight. Well, we have got one hour before curtain. How are you feeling? Riker: I feel like an actor. Crusher: Well, you're certainly beginning to look the part. Data: Perhaps we should continue this discussion next week Riker: No. I want to talk about this now. Data: You're starting to sound angry again. Maybe you need another treatment. Riker: What I need is to get out of this cell. I'm locked up in here for days. You've controlled my every move. You've told me what to eat, what to think, what to say. Crusher: And when I show a glimmer of independent thought Riker: And when I show a glimmer of independent thought, you strap me down, inject me with drugs and call it a treatment. Data: You're becoming agitated. Riker: You bet I'm agitated! I may be surrounded by insanity, but I am not insane. And there is nothing you Riker: What's happening? Data: I can see we have a lot of work to do. Riker: Nothing you can do will change the fact that I'm innocent. I'm not crazy. I'm not Riker: You're the key to all this, aren't you? Who are you? Who are you? Lieutenant: Lieutenant Suna, sir. Crusher: Will, are you all right? Riker: I. Yes. I don't know Crusher: Why don't we get him to Sickbay. Crusher: There's nothing wrong with you neurologically, and I can't find anything that could cause the hallucinations. But your heart rate is way up and your blood pressure's way above normal. And you're physically exhausted. Riker: This is not a case of simple fatigue. Crusher: Will, you know that when you're under conditions of extreme stress the mind can manufacture all kinds of things. Riker: Drugs. They injected me with me drugs. See if the drug's in my system. Crusher: Nothing. Riker: In that dream they gave me drugs. Didn't anybody at the theater see anything strange happen during the performance? Crusher: No, nobody. Get some rest, Will. The play is over. Don't give it another thought. Riker: Right. Riker: How's Lieutenant Suna? Troi: A little shaken but all right. Riker: I feel like such an idiot. Troi: It's nothing to be embarrassed about. We're your friends. We all know the stress you've been under. I'm sure everyone understands perfectly. Data: Commander, I must compliment you on your performance this evening. Riker: Oh? Data: Your unexpected choice to improvise was an effective method of drawing the audience into the plight of your character. You gave a truly realistic interpretation of multi-infarct dementia. Riker: Thank you. Troi: Well, maybe not everyone understands. Riker: I think I'd better get a little rest. Clear my mind a little. Troi: I want you to try a few relaxation techniques as well. Remember the ones I showed you a few months ago? Riker: They never seem to work for me. Syrus: Maybe you need another treatment. Troi: What's wrong? Riker: Nothing. Nothing. Troi: Will, I want you to get some sleep. I'll see you tomorrow. Riker: Okay. Riker: It's not real. It's not real. Jaya: Don't let them tell you you're crazy. Riker: No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here! Help me! Help me. Riker: I need help. I don't want to be at the mercy of these hallucinations any more. Syrus: So you've accepted you're not from a starship? That it's all a delusion? Riker: All I know is when I go back to the ship, reality breaks apart. Nothing makes sense. And then when it's over, it fades away like a dream. But when I'm in the hospital, everything here seems real and I remember everything that happens here. Syrus: And what about how you got here? Riker: Maybe I did kill someone. I don't know. But I want to know how. Syrus: I'm glad to hear you say that, because I just had a long talk with the hospital Administrator. He told me there are certain legal questions that have to be resolved relatively soon. Riker: Meaning? Syrus: Meaning we can't keep you here much longer. We're the only mental health facility on Tilonus Four. We have many people who need our help. I don't want to put any undue stress on you but we have to settle this case one way or another within the next few days. Riker: What does that mean? Syrus: You're facing a choice. We can try to help you remember what happened using Reflection therapy. If it's successful, you would be fit to stand trial. Riker: Reflection therapy? Syrus: It's a way for you to interact with the various facets of your personality. We scan the regions of your brain that control emotions and memory, and then project them holographically. Riker: And what is the second option? Syrus: A complete synaptic reconstruction of your cerebral cortex. Riker: Surgery. Syrus: We would neutralize the synaptic pathways responsible for your mental instability. Riker: It doesn't sound like you care for that option. Syrus: I don't. The procedure is irreversible. You'd be left with a completely altered personality. The person you are now would cease to exist. Riker: Option one is beginning to sound better. Syrus: I agree. Riker: Reflection therapy, then. When do we begin? Syrus: This afternoon, if you're ready. I want you to understand that this isn't going to be easy. You'll be interacting with aspects of your psyche you've never dealt with before, and you may be disturbed by what they have to say. Syrus: Close your eyes. Try to relax. Clear your mind. Syrus: Now, think back to before you came to the hospital. But don't try to remember specific incidents. Concentrate on how you felt. Riker: I was afraid. Troi: Terrified. Riker: She was on the ship with me. Syrus: That's because she represents an aspect of your personality, and there are many parts of you that still believe you're on that starship. Riker: Why her? Syrus: I asked you to get in touch with your feelings, and this is the part of you that responded. Talk to her about how you felt before you came here. Riker: You said I was terrified. Of what? Troi: I was in a dark place. Cold. Frightened. Someone was there. Riker: Who? Troi: I felt threatened by them. Trapped Syrus: You're doing very well. Now let's try to find out how you responded to these feelings. Try to focus on your actions. You felt trapped. What did you do? Worf: I was angry. They were attacking me. I fought back. Troi: I felt pain. Worf: I was injured. Troi: I began to panic. Worf: There was a struggle and I Riker: You what? What happened? Syrus: Try to associate your actions and emotions with logical thoughts. What do you think caused you to act and feel this way? Picard: It was cold and dark because I was outdoors at night. I was in a narrow place. I was walking through an alley. Troi: I felt threatened. Worf: I was being watched. Picard: Someone must have followed me into the alley. That's why I started to walk faster. Someone grabbed me from behind. Troi: I panicked. Worf: I tried to fight them off. Riker: How many of them were there? Picard: Three. Humanoid. I only saw the face of one of them. Riker: What did he look like? Riker: I saw him on the ship too. I also saw him here in the hospital, but I don't know who he is. Syrus: That's Mister Suna, the hospital Administrator. You met him when you first arrived here. Riker: What part of me does he represent? Syrus: I don't know. Troi: Don't believe this, Will. None of it's real. You're still with us on the Enterprise. Riker: Doctor? Picard: We're your colleagues. You can trust us. Everything will be all right Syrus: Do you have anything to say to them? Riker: You're all delusions. Worf: Do not listen to him, Commander. He is trying to trick you. You are in danger here. Let us help you. Troi: Listen to me, Will. In all the years we've known each other, have I ever lied to you? Riker: No, please. Leave me alone! Picard: Will, please. Riker: No! Syrus: You've taken a big step today. You've finally turned your back on those delusions and all that they represent to you. We'll continue later. Riker: It's not real. Crusher: Commander, do you know who I am? Do you know where you are? If you can't answer, just listen. You were on an undercover mission to Tilonus Four. Something happened. We were told that you killed somebody, but we do not believe it's true. We're being blocked at every turn. The hospital Administrator denies you're here at all. We're beginning to think that there's some kind of a conspiracy going on. I had to come in here posing as a health official. Sit tight, Commander. We're going to get you out of here. Riker: Not real. Data: Commander. Riker: Get away from me! Worf: Commander, you must come with us. You are in danger here. Riker: No! Worf: Silence. Data: Commander, are you all right? Riker: Help me! Help me! Mavek: Who are you? Take them to Security Ward. Worf: Worf to Enterprise. The pattern enhancer has been activated. Three to beam up. Crewman: Acknowledged. Crusher: There's damage to the parietal lobe. It's as if someone's trying to access his long-term memory. He's in a severe state of neural shock. It's going to take him a while to recover. Picard: Number One, do you remember what happened? You were abducted during the mission to Tilonus Four. You were put into a psychiatric hospital. Riker: It's still bleeding. Crusher: It's minor. Don't worry about it. Worf: We have been checking on the hospital Administrator. Riker: Mister Suna. Picard: It appears that he's involved with one of the rival factions. We believe that he is responsible for what happened to you. Riker: It still hurts. It's bleeding again. Why? You just healed it. Crusher: Will, try to calm down. Riker: This isn't real. Picard: What are you doing, Will? Riker: If I'm right, you're not really here. This isn't a real phaser. It's all a fantasy, and I'm going to end it, no matter what it takes. Picard: But what if it isn't a fantasy? Are you willing to take that chance? Riker: You're right, I won't. But I'm going to find out what's real and what's not. Crusher: Will, don't do it! Suna: How's he progressing? Syrus: He's not responding to the Reflection therapy. His delusions are growing more elaborate. Mavek: He broke out of his cell last night. We found him running down a corridor claiming people had come to take him back to his starship. Suna: Then I see no other choice. We'll have to perform the synaptic reconstruction. Riker: I still have a phaser. Why do I still have a phaser? Suna: It's not a phaser, it's a knife. You stole it from one of the food trays. Give it to me. We don't want you to hurt yourself. Riker: I don't believe you. Riker: If this is a knife, what happened to Mavek? Suna: It's very complicated. I'll answer all of your questions, but first I want you to put that down. Riker: No. If this is a real phaser, then I was on the Enterprise. But I fired it on myself, so I should be dead. None of this is real. I'm setting this to level sixteen, wide field. That should destroy half of this building. Unless, of course, this isn't a real phaser. Riker: It's all about you, isn't it? You're the only constant, the only person in both places. Suna: There's a lot more going on here than you realize. Riker: This isn't real, either. What's happening to me? Suna: Listen to me. We can still save you, but you must stop fighting us. Riker: You're lying. Suna: Let me help you. Riker: No! Suna: I'm warning you. Riker: No! Suna: He's conscious! I haven't finished the neurodrain. Get him sedated. Riker: Riker to Enterprise! Worf: Enterprise here. Are you all right, sir? Riker: Emergency transport. Get me out of here. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 46778.1. Commander Riker has returned safely from his mission to Tilonus Four. Doctor Crusher has repaired the damage to his long-term memory. Picard: Evidently, you were abducted two days after beaming to the surface. Riker: I remember now. I was in an alley. They attacked me from behind. I tried to fight them off with the nisroh Worf gave me. I managed to get off one of them off me but I think they injected me with some sort of drug. Picard: We believe that they were trying to extract strategic information from your memory using a neurosomatic technique. Riker: I was in a hospital, then I was back on the Enterprise. I was back at the hospital. I kept shifting from place to place. I couldn't tell what was real. Troi: Your mind must have created a defense mechanism that helped you resist the neurosomatic process. Your unconscious fastened on to elements of your real life in an attempt to keep you grounded, to keep you sane. Riker: The preparation for the mission, the play, those were recent experiences, fresh in my mind. Picard: You should get some rest. We can talk some more tomorrow. Riker: There is one thing I'd like to do first. Crusher: Are you sure you want to do this by yourself? The stage crew and I were going to do it tomorrow morning. Riker: I'm positive. After everything that I've experienced, I don't think I could sleep knowing it was still up.
Scene Description: The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica. Cartman: You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys": [plays four notes before each line] I hate you guys. You guys are assholes. Specially Kenny. [the other three glare at him] I hate him the most. Cartman: Okay now, let's try one all together: I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words. Specially Kenny. Kyle: This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. ["Hey you guys, sing the song!"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,... [Cartman gets up and walks away] Stan: Where are you going? Cartman: I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom. Kyle: Just go behind a tree. Cartman: I have to go number two. Stan: So? You can poo in the wilderness. Cartman: No way, dude! What would I wipe with? Kyle: Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen! Cartman: Well what do I sit on? Kyle: You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his pants...] Stan: Not here! Go further away! Cartman: [moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these "pooping outside" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins] Urgh. Come on, now. Kyle: Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to laugh] Cartman: Stop, you guys! I can't think! Kyle: What do you have to think about? Cartman: I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream... [a dump is heard] Oh, that did it. Stan: Sick, dude! Scene Description: In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again Cartman: Poopin' outside, [a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream For my friends Specially Kenny. Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's rear.] Kenny: (Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his marshmallow] Cartman: [hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the? Creature: [running through the trees] Oohma poota! Cartman: Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this! Stan: [thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman! Cartman: [urging] You guys, get over here! Kyle: No way, dude! Cartman: I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look. Over by those bushes. Kyle: What? Creature: Meesa scared! Stan: I see it! Cartman: Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward] Kyle: [steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it! Scene Description: Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something. Announcer: Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw- Jimbo: Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned tries to speak] I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned! Ned: [eructing] Shut... up... Jimbo. Jimbo: Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out. Stan: [outside] I saw it this way! Kyle: Over here! Cartman: [trying to keep up] Come on, you guys! Scene Description: The boys reach the lodge. Jimbo: [opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?! Stan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way! Jimbo: Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did it go? Kyle: It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard] Jimbo: [cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap] Creature: Ooba jaaga! Jimbo: Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it! Creature: Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop! Cartman: Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny. Kyle: [annoyed] It's stupid. Jimbo: Well, let's kill it. Cartman: [intervening] No! No. Don't. Jimbo: Huh? Cartman: I like it. Kyle: You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately] Jimbo: Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it. Scene Description: South Park, the next day. Jimbo: Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens] Sheila: [walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases walk up] FED: Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior. Mayor: Ooh, yes. How are you? DOI 1: [the one with black hair] Fine, just fine. DOI 2: [the one with red hair] Fine, just fine. DOI 3: [the one with brown hair] Fine. Mayor: Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they stare in awe] DOI 2: My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just stunned] Creature: Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo! DOI 1: Mm-it's amazing. Mayor: What? DOI 1: Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen. Mayor: Oh, neato. DOI 2: Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow. DOI 1: Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction. Cartman: Wow! Cool! Ned: [eructing] Is... there... re... ward... money? [the DOI agents look at him] Jimbo: Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting! DOI 2: This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals. Woman: Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope. Woman 2: Hope. Man: Yes, Hope. Hope: Meesa name Junjun. Stan: I think his name is Junjun. Mayor: Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name! DOI 1: Now we must find a safe place for it. Mr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house. Mayor: No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it! Junjun: Uuh?! Mr. Garrison: What?! How dare you say that?! Mayor: Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?! Mr. Garrison: Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut. Rancher: Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated. DOI 1: Well, that sounds fine, just fine. DOI 3: Fine, just fine. DOI 2: Fine. Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever! Scene Description: That night, something mysterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again, and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The following address shows up: E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir., South Park, CO. But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV. Announcer: It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword- Cartman: [wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers?? Liane: [from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon. Cartman: Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom, somebody's at the door. Liane: Mommy's busy, boopie-kins. Cartman: Should I get it? Liane: [in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends. Cartman: Okay. Liane: [inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly] Scene Description: The knocking continues. Cartman: Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature! Liane: That's nice, muffin. Jakovasaur: Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick. Cartman: You mean the other jakovasaur? Jakovasaur: What means a jakovasaur? Cartman: You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you. Jakovasaur: Oh. Cool beans. Cartman: But the other jakovasaur talked different. Jakovasaur: That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different. Cartman: I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it. Jakovasaur: Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left. Scene Description: Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned. Cartman: He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him] Kyle: Did you smoke some of your mom's crack? Cartman: Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking crack" thing?! It's a old joke! Jakovasaur: [hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman turns his head aside and grins] Stan: Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends? Cartman: No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out] Stan: Wow! Cartman: Jakov, I want you to meet my friends. Jakov: Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard] Cartman: Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny? Stan: [put off] No, he's annoying. Kyle: What are we supposed to do with him? Cartman: We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend. Stan: Why don't we just tell our parents? Cartman: No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves. Scene Description: The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov. Stan: [softly] Sshh! Be quiet. We could get in big trouble for being here. Jakov: [sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun! Stan: [softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid! Jakov: [rushes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! [she's sitting on some hay] Kyle: [softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?! Jakov: [turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow! Cartman: [laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov. Jakov: [soothing his head] I am? Stan: Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond? Jakov: Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and the DOI agents looking quite angry.] Junjun: Aw, we's in big doodoo now. Jakov: Uh oh. Scene Description: Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone. Operator: Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you? Ned: [eructing] Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box... Amanda: Excuse me? Ned: I... lost... my... voice... box... Amanda: [after a long pause] Excuse me? Ned: [faster, after a pause] I... lost... my... voice... box... [Jimbo enters the room and Ned hangs up] Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out! Ned: [crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing? Jimbo: Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake. Ned: Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then? Man: [barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard! Jimbo: What? What is it? Man: They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur! [silence] Ned: Gmmm, blimey. Scene Description: South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage. Mayor: [on the mic] Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy. DOI 1: Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back. Cartman: [reading his acceptance speech] "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..." Kyle: What are you doing, fatass?! Cartman: I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..." DOI 1: ...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival. Man: [amid much chatter] Yea for us! Jakov: Thank you! Mayor: And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman! Cartman: [walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction. Man 2: Well, that's about it. Let's go. Man 3: Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse] Cartman: You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me... [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor! Scene Description: The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there. Jakov: Wow!! It's so pretty! DOI 1: Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... [the room falls silent] Jakov: What? DOI 2: Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh... Jakov: What? DOI 3: Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the ring] Jakov: [scratches his head] What?? Kyle: They want you to have sex, God-damnit!! Jakov: Ooohh. Mayor: [as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone. Jakov: Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door] Scene Description: The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance. Junjun: Meesa just don't wanna! Jakov: [walking out] I don't know what to do! DOI 1: Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your... [sees there's nothing where something should be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate. DOI 2: [holds his index finger up] There is... another option. Scene Description: Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination table. Mephesto: I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen. Jakov: I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs] Mephesto: Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. [Jakov stops] I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope] Junjun: Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop! Jakov: [adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! Stan: God-damn! Kyle: Shut up!! Mephesto: Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents! DOI 3: Yeah! DOI 2: We did it! Jakov: Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park! Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around? Scene Description: The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys. Commentator: ...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down- Jakov: Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys! Randy: No problem, Jakov. Commentator: To the 40-yard line! Men: Yea! Jakov: Go Niners! Ni-ners! Gerald: We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov! Jakov: Oooops! Commentator: ...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,... [the men are happy] Jakov: You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit- Commentator: He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose! Jakov: You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me. Randy: Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels? Jakov: Sure. You got money? Gerald: [hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels. Jakov: [gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door] Mr. Mackey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay. The Others: Yup. Scene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all present. DOI 1: Amazing! The gestation period was only four days. DOI 2: At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years. Junjun: Doe-wooop! DOI 1: Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine. DOI 3: Just fine. DOI 2: Fine. Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby. Cartman: If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct. Kyle: Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was. [he and Stan laugh] Cartman: Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better! DOI 2: Here we go. Junjun: Doe-woooop! Sheila: [gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth! Junjun: Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone] Kyle: Gross! Junjun: Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the wall. It whimpers as it drops] All: Hooray! DOI 3: This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves around, growling] Junjun: Dowoooop! Dowoop! DOI 2: Looks like there might be a second one. DOI 1: Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of the second baby flying out of the vagina] All: Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover] Mayor: She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of the wall. The lead agent walks up to them] DOI 1: Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters. Cartman: [picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute, you guys? Stan: [to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing. Junjun: Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of jakovasaurs] DOI 1: Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session. Mr. Garrison: Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is full of jakovasaur children] Stan: Dude, it's crowded in here. Jakovasaur boy: [sitting in front of Pip] I like school! Jakovasaur girl: Bo-woop! Mr. Garrison: O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes? Jakovasaur boy: I don't know. Jakovasaur girl: Bo-woop! Mr. Garrison: O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question? Jakovasaur kid 1: [in front of Wendy] I can't. Jakovasaur kid 2: Me neither. Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know! Jakovasaur kid 2: Oh. Jakovasaur kid 3: O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop! Jakovasaur kid 4: Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to fight] Jakovasaur kid 5: School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates] Jakovasaurs: School, school! I like school! School, school! I like school! Kyle: Dude, this sucks ass! Cartman: ["School, school! I like school!"] I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. ["School, school! I like school!"] Mr. Hat: This is insane, Mr. Garrison. ["School, school! I like school!"] Mr. Garrison: [looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. ["School, school! I like-!"] Scene Description: The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor. Mayor: Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out! Mr. Garrison: Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything! All: Yeah! Chef: And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up! All: Yeah! Man: Totally! Trashman: And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too! Man: Totally! All: Yeah! Man: Listen to her! Man 2: And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right! Mayor: All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave. Jimbo: We just encourage them to find someplace better. Mayor: But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in? Scene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun Jakov: Memphis? Mayor: Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You jakovasaurs would love it there. Jakov: I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey? Junjun: G'ooh-woo-ooop! Jakov: Yeah. Mayor: But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right? [several people respond with "Yeah" and "Memphis"] Jakov: Okay, we'll move to Memphis! Men: Yea! Others: Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane] Cartman: [cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going? Jakov: Great, Eric! We're moving. Cartman: [gasps] Moving? Jakov: Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis. Cartman: You... can't leave. You're my friend. Liane: Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best. Jimbo: Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed! Cartman: [softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you. Jakov: It would? Cartman: Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay? Jakov: O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying! Cartman: [exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! [everyone else is pissed at him] Scene Description: Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed. Mayor: Now what do we do? DOI 1: Don't worry, We've come up with a plan. Mayor: You have? DOI 1: Yes. We're leaving. All: What?? DOI 1: We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things. Mayor: You can't leave. Cartman: Yes. Who would take care of them? DOI 2: Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them. Cartman: [a bit humbly] I have authoriteh? DOI 2: That's right. And people must respect it. Cartman: [fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just fine. [the agents climb into their van] DOI 2: Fine, just fine. Cartman: Fine. Stan: Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah! DOI 2: Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.] Scene Description: The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week. Announcer: And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central. ["Jakovasaurs" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the living room with some of her children.] Jakov: [enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi, honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa. Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee. Junjun: Booo-wooop? Jakov: No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter] Boy: Hello, dad. Jakov: Hello, son. How was your day? Boy: Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened. Jakov: What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith? [more laughter] Boy: Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings out the letter] Jakov: That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail. Boy: Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter] Jakov: You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete. [the front door opens] Cartman: Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter] Who's laughing? Jakov: Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation- Cartman: Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and Jakov start walking] Jakov: Woo, woo! [trips over one of his kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.] Scene Description: While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too. Mayor: [anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she snatches the receiver] Hello! Jakov: Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from- Mayor: Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?! Jakov: Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go? Mayo: [rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length] Jakov: Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up] Mayor: We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready? All: Break! Scene Description: South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned. Jimbo: Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express. Ned: [eructing] Oh... boy..., oh... boy. Mayor: [whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose! Barbrady: Right. Mayor: [goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic] Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you lucky contestants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players? Barbrady: Ready. Jakov: Ready. Mayor: Okay. Hands on your buzzers. Jakov: [bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly] Mayor: [correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the question first. Jakov: Sor-ry! Mayor: That's okay. Hands on buzzers. Jakov: [bzt] Turkey sandwich! Barbrady: Damn, he's quick! Jakov: [bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt] Barbrady: No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt] Jakov: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry. Barbrady: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad. Jakov: Sorry. Barbrady: Sorry. [both buzzers stay on] Mayor: Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?! [the buzzers stop] Stagehand: [off camera] Got it! Mayor: Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue? [drumroll] Barbrady: Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point] Mayor: What? Barbrady: Uh. Blue is blue? Jakov: Awww, did I lose? Mayor: What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady] You're supposed to lose, you idiot! Barbrady: Where am I? Mayor: Just don't answer any more questions, got it? Barbrady: Okie-dokie. Mayor: Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three! Scene Description: The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform. Cartman: What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show. Stan: Oh, he'll win. Don't worry. Kyle: We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears. Cartman: Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine. Kyle: [pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs] That must be of the antelope family. Cartman: [after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the way out here, you guys? Stan: [huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that. Cartman: Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town] Kyle: Cartman! Wait! Kenny: (Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away] Scene Description: South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0. Mayor: What's two plus two, Jakov? Jakov: I don't know! Barbrady: Four? [ping. 8-0] Mayor: Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio audience looks at him quite annoyed] Barbrady: Jakov [ping. 9-0] Mayor: Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory] Jakov: I do? [his kids rejoice] Mayor: You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France! Jakov: Hooray! Mayor: All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport! [members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs] Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out] Scene Description: South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible. Jakov: [looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first? Randy: Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov. Jakov: Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France! Crowd: Good-bye! Jakov: [almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr. [the crowd laughs weakly] Cartman: [arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov! Jimbo: Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on Cartman's face] Cartman: [pounding] Open this door! Liane: Eric, this is for the best. Cartman: [facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the plane] No! Jakov, don't go! Jakov: [from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the horizon] Cartman: [resigned] Come... back. [the crowd begins to surround him.] Liane: [reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to understand-. Cartman: Don't, mother! Just, don't. Mayor: [on one knee] I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution. Jimbo: The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical. Ned: [with a much better voice box] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course. [silence] Jimbo: Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks! Ned: I know. I'm still trying to find my old one. Mayor: Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream! Crowd: Hooray! Cartman: No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away] Kyle: Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something. Stan: Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is. Scene Description: The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An accordionist plays. Waiter: Bonjour. Woman: [blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour. Waiter: Café? Woman: Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then pulls away] Jakov: [with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at Jakov. Then they start laughing] Man: [one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles] Accordionist: (I love its antics!!!) Blonde: Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]
Caretaker: Not enough time! When he died, Voyager's best chance of getting home died with him, but he revealed one hopeful possibility. Caretaker: There is another like me. She left hundreds of years ago, but she's out there, somewhere. Tuvok: Open yourself to the impressions around you. The thoughts, the minds that are on this ship. What do you hear? Kes: Voices. So many voices. Tuvok: I believe you are sensing the thoughts of various crewmembers on board. Kes: What should I do? Tuvok: See if you can isolate one of the voices. Imagine you are listening to a symphony and focusing on a single instrument. Kes: It's working. Tuvok: Try to maintain your emotional equanimity. You should not be concerned with success or failure. Neelix: way too much now. Don't touch the sideburns. Kes: It's Neelix! I can hear Neelix's thoughts. Tuvok: That is not unexpected. You have an emotional attachment to him which may have drawn your focus. Neelix: My scalp itches. Maybe I should tell him about that shampoo of his. Kes: I think he's getting a haircut. Neelix: Oh no! He's trimmed the ear hairs. I told him the ear hairs were the perfect length! Not the ear hairs! Tuvok: If you are to succeed in honing your telepathic abilities, you must learn to control these emotional outbursts. Kes: Outburst? It was a giggle. Tuvok: Tomorrow I will teach you a Vulcan mind control technique that will help you inhibit your giggles. Kes: Thanks, Tuvok. Tuvok: You may go. Emh: You're late. Kes: Sorry. My lesson with Lieutenant Tuvok went on a little long today. Emh: Today, yesterday and the day before. You'd think a Vulcan would be more attuned to punctuality. Kes: I'll try to keep a closer eye on the time from now on. Emh: So, how was school today? Kes: Wonderful. Tuvok helped me with a sensory focus exercise. We worked on my pre-cognitive skills and I learned how to self-induce a hypergogic mental state. Emh: Sounds stimulating. Kes: He says I'm making excellent progress. Emh: I had no doubt that you would. But I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't let these mind studies interfere with your Kes: What's that? Emh: I don't know. (They walk through to another area, the Medical lab?, where the EMH opens a cupboard to reveal the Caretaker's desiccated remains are rattling in their clear container. Then it stops. A little later, Janeway has arrived with Torres and Tuvok.) Janeway: Life signs. Emh: Apparently so. But before I could analyze them, the life signs simply ceased. Torres: I'm scanning the remains on all biospectral frequencies. It's completely inert. Dead. Janeway: Well, somehow I find it hard to believe this rock suddenly came to life for several seconds. Tuvok: I concur. However, dead or alive, these are the remains of an alien entity we never fully understood. It may be prudent to place it in a level three biohazard containment field. Janeway: Agreed. But first I want to take a look at Torres: I'm picking up life signs. They're sporocystian. Janeway: The Caretaker was a sporocystian life form. Torres: But according to my readings, the life signs aren't coming from the remains. The remains are simply resonating in response to an external energy source. Some other lifeform. Emh: Where? Janeway: Let's find out. Janeway to Bridge. Mister Kim, begin scans for a sporocystian life form. Kim: Aye Captain. Stand by. I've got it, Captain. A Sporocystian energy burst approximately ten light years distant. I can't get a precise fix on it's location. Torres: The lifesigns are gone. Janeway: These remains could be responding to the Caretaker's mate. Torres: If that's true, maybe we could use them to track her down. Tuvok: And if we can find her she might have the ability to send us home. Torres: Torres to Janeway. Janeway: Go ahead. Torres: We've placed the remains in a hexiprismatic field, Captain. The next time it responds to sporocystian energy, the field Torres: Should give us a heading to the source. Janeway: You're using the remains like a compass. Torres: Exactly. Janeway: Good work. Janeway: Keep us appraised. Janeway out. Tuvok: Captain, the Caretaker was a being of considerable power, and although his intent was not hostile, we were essentially at his mercy. I do not care to repeat that experience. Janeway: And if we are about to meet his mate, you'd like it to be on more even ground. Tuvok: Precisely. I have studied the Doctor's biochemical analysis of the Caretaker remains and I believe it is possible to create a sporocystian toxin, something which might debilitate the life form. Janeway: Sounds like a sensible precaution. Get on it. Paris: I'm picking up sporocystian energy. Chakotay: Chakotay to Engineering. We're picking up life signs. Is your compass working? Torres: Stand by. Torres: Activate the field. I can't get a bearing on the source. Try increasing the spatial resolution. Kim: Spatial resolution at maximum. Torres: The life signs are fading and I still can't get a lock on the coordinates. Kim: Boosting the signal gain. Torres: We've got it, Captain. Torres: Bearing two seven two mark one nine. Janeway: Acknowledged. Mister Paris, set a course and engage at maximum warp. Paris: Aye, Captain. Paris: Captain, we're picking up an artificial structure on long range sensors. It appears to be a space station of some kind. Janeway: Slow to impulse and put it on screen. Chakotay: That looks a lot like the Caretaker's array. Kim: The configuration is similar. So is the surface composition, but it's only about one tenth the size. Janeway: Are there any sporocystian life forms on board? Kim: No, but I am picking up over two thousand carbon based life forms. They appear to be. Wait a second. Confirming. Captain, they're Ocampa. Paris: We're approaching the station, Captain. Janeway: All stop. Hail them, Mister Tuvok. Tuvok: No response. I am reading an energy surge from the station, possible weapons. Chakotay: Shields! Chakotay: Definitely weapons. Kim: Shields are holding. Tuvok: Incoming message from the array. Janeway: Let's hear it. Tanis: You're not wanted here. Janeway: We pose no threat to you. I'm Captain Kathryn Janeway Tanis: You have been warned. Kes: They are Ocampa? Janeway: That's right. There appears to be an entire colony. And according to our sensors, the station is at least three hundred years old. Chakotay: Kes, is there any Ocampa history about people who left your planet, or were captured by aliens and taken away? Kes: No. The idea that there could be Ocampa anywhere but on the homeworld is something no one ever considered. I thought I was the only one. Janeway: Since you're definitely the only one on Voyager, I want you to act as an intermediary. Kes: Gladly. What should I do? Janeway: The first step is to arrange a meeting. Let's see if we can get that far. Hail the array. Tanis: This is becoming tiresome, Captain. If you force us to take further aggressive action Janeway: I have someone here who wishes to speak with you. Kes: My name is Kes. I'm an Ocampa. Tanis: This is some kind of trick. Kes: I assure you, it's not a trick. Tanis: What would an Ocampa be doing on an alien starship? Kes: It's a long story. But I'd like to know what an Ocampa is doing on an alien space station. Tanis: That is also a long story. Kes: Then I suggest we meet and tell each other our stories. May we come aboard your station? Tanis: No. But I'm willing to come to your ship. Janeway: Our readings indicated a sporocystian life form in this area. We've been looking for that life form for months. Ocampa: Why? To destroy it? Janeway: No, on the contrary. We believe it has the technology that could send us home. Tanis: Captain, are you aware of how your ship is regarded? That when Voyager appears people fear destruction. Ocampa: Your ship is known as a ship of death. Janeway: What? Tanis: You've established quite a reputation. You killed the Caretaker, declared war on the Kazon, raided planets for their resources Chakotay: None of that is true. We never attacked anyone except in self defense. Tuvok: And we did not kill the Caretaker. He died of natural causes. Janeway: Mister Tanis, please try to understand. We only want to find the entity we've been looking for. Tanis: I want to talk to you alone. Janeway: Our sensors tell us she is somewhere in this region. Can you help us help us find her? Kes: Captain, I'd like to speak to Tanis alone, if I may. Janeway: Very well. Tanis: Why should I believe any of this? Kes: These are kind people, Tanis. They saved my life at great risk to themselves when they didn't have to. They wouldn't lie to you. Tanis: I will admit these people are hardly what I expected. But more unexpected was finding you here, Kes. I had no idea any Ocampa had left the homeworld so recently. Kes: I have about a thousand questions to ask you. Tanis: I know. And I'm going to try to answer them. Is this where you spend your time? Kes: You mean in this room? No. This is where the Bridge officers usually meet. Tanis: I want to see where you live. I want to see the place that is special to you. Tanis: You did all this? Kes: I had a little help, but yes, most of it is my work. Tanis: You've done well. Bringing something so beautiful into a place so sterile. Kes: Sterile? Voyager? Tanis: Look around you, Kes. This is a cold and barren place. Kes: There are over one hundred and fifty people on board. I'd hardly call that barren. Tanis: There are people, but there's so little life here. Part of me weeps to see you in this place. You're so isolated. Corridors, bulkheads, all cutting you off from the world around you. Kes: You live on a space station. How is it any different? Tanis: Oh, I assure you, it's very different. You're very young, aren't you. Kes: Two years. Tanis: Would it surprise you to know I am fourteen years old? Kes: That's not possible! The oldest Ocampa only live to be nine. Tanis: You know so little about your own people. There's so much for you to learn about yourself, about the galaxy. Being here on this ship is holding you back. Kes: These people are helping me. I'm a member of the crew. Tanis: I suppose we were like you once. Innocent, naïve. But when Suspiria brought us here three hundred years ago, she began to teach us how we could become stronger than we ever could have on the homeworld. Kes: Suspiria. Is that your Caretaker? Tanis: We don't think of her as a Caretaker. Her species is actually called the Nacene. Kes: Then you do know her. Where is she? Tanis: Nearby. But she's so different from the entity you knew. He was only interested in maintaining the status quo. He kept our people servile and weak. Suspiria taught us to develop our psychokinetic skills that had lain dormant for so long. We have abilities far beyond anything you can imagine. Kes: Like what? Tanis: We can enhance life. And that's only the beginning, Kes. I have to return to the station. We'll talk again. Janeway: Sounds like you've established a dialogue with Tanis. It's an excellent beginning. Good work. Kes: Thank you, Captain. Janeway: Kes, is there something wrong? Kes: Not exactly. I'm just a little overwhelmed. I always believed that my people had the potential to be more than what they were, that our mental abilities could be somehow heightened. And now I've met someone who's realized that potential, and I don't know whether to be excited or frightened. Tuvok: A non-emotional response would be more useful. Janeway: But since you're not a Vulcan, I'd say a mixture of the two emotions would be appropriate. It's an exciting moment, Kes, and I'm very happy for you. But just remember, we know very little about these Ocampa. Be cautious in your dealings with Tanis. Kes: I will, but I just have a good feeling about him. Tanis: I've met with the Ocampa girl. She has potential. Suspiria: I don't care about the girl. She's yours. Bring me the ship. Neelix: This is delicious. Mister Tanis, is it true you're fourteen years old? Tanis: Yes, that's quite common with my people here. Suspiria helped us develop a technology to extend the Ocampa life span three generations ago. My father lived to be twenty years. Neelix: Would that technology work for Kes? Tanis: Possibly. Janeway: Where does Suspiria live? On another array? Tanis: Oh, nothing so corporeal as that. She exists as pure sporocystian energy. She only assumes physical form when we need to communicate with her. Chakotay: Does she occupy our space-time continuum? Tanis: I don't know. All I know is, when we need her, she comes. I'll take you to the meeting place. I'm sure all your questions will be answered then. You'll enjoy meeting her, Kes, as well as the other Ocampa here. Kes: I'd love to visit the station. Tanis: Visit? Why not stay with us? Kes: Stay? Tanis: Yes. I think you could learn a lot from us, we from you. We haven't been in contact with the Ocampa home world for hundreds of years. we'd be fascinated to hear about our distant cousins. Kes: That sounds wonderful, but Janeway: Kes, you certainly don't have to decide something this important right now. Give it some thought. Tanis: She's absolutely right. There's no rush. Kes: I appreciate that. I am curious about your mental abilities. They're so much greater than mine. Tuvok: Do not underestimate your own potential, Kes. Your mental abilities are rapidly maturing. Tanis: I might be able to help you. No offense to Mister Tuvok, but I am more familiar with the Ocampa mind. Kes: I would appreciate any insight you could give me. Tanis: Oh, good. Maybe later this evening. Tuvok: It is a highly reactive sporocystian toxin. Emh: I ran a micro-cellular analysis of the Caretaker's remains and discovered a critical enzyme in his cellular structure. Tuvok: The energy in this cylinder is formulated to break down that enzyme. It would result in temporary paralysis. Janeway: Mister Tanis says she's harmless. Tuvok: It is my hope we only have to use it as a precautionary measure. Janeway: Very well. Proceed. Tanis: In your mind, visualize your hand. Reach out with that hand and grab the tea cup. Reach out with the fingers of your mind. Grasp it. Do you have it? Kes: I can feel the handle, and the texture of the metal, but I can't move it. Tanis: Don't try to move it. Just take a drink from it. Tanis: See? You can do it. Kes: I don't understand. I didn't try to move it. Tanis: No, you just tried to drink from it. And what would you do if you wanted to take a drink? Kes: I'd reach out and pick it up. Tanis: That's right. But you wouldn't be thinking about picking it up, you'd simply do it, and that's what you just learned. Focus on the goal, not the task. When you wanted the tea, it came to you. Neelix: Ahem, excuse me. Tanis: We're not finished. I know you're tired, but I want you to try one more thing. It's cold. Wouldn't it taste better if it were hot? See past the liquid, not with your eyes, with your mind. What your eyes show you is only the surface of reality. Look deeper. There is no liquid, there is no cup. There is only a collection of molecules, atoms, moving, vibrating. Kes: I see them. They're barely moving. Tanis: That's because they're cold. How would you heat them up? Kes: With a fire. Tanis: That's right. With the fire of your mind. Kes: How do I do that? Tanis: Focus on the goal, not the task. Don't think about creating a fire, just use it. Kes: Oh, I see it now. it's so simple. Tanis: That's right. But that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow, I'll take you to the next level. Until then, goodnight. Neelix: May I say something now? Kes: Of course, Neelix. Neelix: I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it. This is a whole new beginning for you, Kes. Kes: I know, I know. What if I did go? Neelix: Go? Kes: To the Ocampa array. If I decided to live with Tanis and the others, would you go with me? Neelix: I'd go anywhere with you. Janeway: Captain's log, supplemental. We've arrived at what Tanis calls the meeting place, the region of space where Suspiria exists. Kim: Nothing on sensors, Captain. Tanis: Captain, may I access your communications equipment? Janeway: Of course. Tanis: I've sent out a subspace carrier wave. Suspiria should respond within the next forty seven hours. I'll be in my quarters. Janeway: We'll let you know when she makes her appearance. Tanis: That won't be necessary. I'll know when she's here. Kes: Tanis has shown me the next level. The psychokinetic manipulation of matter. Tuvok: That is a large step for someone whose mental abilities are still undiskiplined. Nevertheless, I am intrigued. Kes: May I? Tuvok: Please. Kes: He showed me how to use the fire in my mind. Tuvok: Fascinating. However, I would advise caution in exploring this ability until you have mastered the Kes: I have to stop the fire. How do I stop the fire? Tuvok, Tuvok! Tell me what to do! Tuvok! Emh: Lieutenant, can you hear me? Tuvok: What happened? Emh: Your cell membranes went through hyperthermic induction. The temperature of your blood rose by thirty seven degrees in a matter of seconds. You were in shock and I resuscitated you. I'm restricting you to light duty for the next three days. Try and get some rest. Tuvok: That will not be necessary, Doctor. My Vulcan healing techniques do not require an extended period of convalescence. Emh: Vulcans make the worst patients. Fine. But if you're feeling any nausea or dizziness I'm expecting you to report to Sickbay at once. Tuvok: Of course. Kes: Tuvok, I'm so Tuvok: You are probably feeling the emotion known as remorse, possibly guilt. I advise you to look on this incident as a learning experience. Kes: It's not that easy. I almost killed you. Tuvok: That is correct. But you did not. Try to remember that. I will see you tomorrow at fifteen hundred hours, assuming you wish to continue your training. Kes: You still want to teach me? Tuvok: If this experience proves anything, it is that you need further instruction, and I would regret not continuing as your instructor. Kes: Thanks, Tuvok. Tanis: How's the Vulcan? Is he going to recover? Kes: You heard? Tanis: In a manner of speaking. I was aware of what happened. Kes: He's going to be all right, no thanks to me. Tanis, I've been thinking. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Tanis: What's wrong? Kes: If I can't control my abilities, there might be another accident. Tanis: I'm afraid it isn't going to get any easier, Kes. You're already starting to manifest abilities far beyond anything you've ever imagined. Soon you'll be so far beyond the other beings on this ship that you'll look at them as they look at pets. Kes: They're not pets. They're people, they're my friends. Tanis: And I'm sure you care for them very much. I'm sure they're wonderful people. They certainly seem that way to me but, it's time that you began to accept how different you are from them. The people on this ship, they live their lives trapped inside their primitive skulls, depending on flesh and bone to tell them what the universe is like. They don't know what it is to see beyond the physical. Touch it. This is how they know the universe. They touch the flower, their nerve impulses travel up their arm to the brain, and in their mind they sense the moisture of the petals, the texture of the leaves, the sharpness of the thorns, and think they know what it feels like. But they don't. Now touch it. Reach out with your thoughts. Feel it for the very first time. Think of nothing but the flower. It's the only object in the universe. Know it. Know it in a way only an Ocampa can. Can you see it? Kes: Yes. It's more than seeing. It's more than touching. I know this flower. Tanis: You can do more. Reach out. Feel all the life in this room. Kes: Yes, I can feel it. I know them all. They're so beautiful! Tanis: They can be more beautiful. Bring the fire! Tanis: How did it feel? Kes: They're dead. They're all dead. Amazing. Tanis: You felt life. You embraced its essence with your mind, and then you transformed it. There's nothing else like it in the universe. Kes: I killed those plants. Just like I almost killed Tuvok. But I don't want to hurt anybody. Tanis: Of course you don't. That's not the point. Help people, hurt them, give life, kill, it's all the same. Once you see beyond the physical, you see the universe as it truly is. Now you know why you can't stay with these people, why you have to come with me. Come back to the station. We'll care for you. We'll train you. Kes: Oh, I don't know. I still need some more time to think about it. Tanis: Take all the time you want. But when you meet Suspiria, I think you'll decide to join us. Kes: Why? Tanis: Because Suspiria is your future. She's part of us, and we're a part of her. All the Ocampa here are connected in a way that can't be put into words. And if you develop your abilities far enough, Suspiria will invite you to go with her to Exotia. Kes: Exotia? Tanis: A place the humanoids on this ship call a subspace layer. A place of pure thought, pure energy. A place of the mind. Think about it, Kes. When you're ready, Suspiria will embrace you. Goodnight. Torres: Torres to Bridge. Torres: The Caretaker's remains are resonating Torres: Again. It's definitely reacting to a sporocystian lifeform. And from what I can tell, that lifeform is right on top of us. Janeway: Acknowledged. Kim: Captain, there's a subspace rupture forming directly ahead. Janeway: Yellow alert. Janeway to Tanis. Will you please come to the Bridge? I believe we've made contact with Suspiria. Tanis: I know. I'm on my way. Torres: I think we should run a biospectral analysis. Some of these readings are pretty strange. And get me the sensor logs on that subspace rupture out there. Kim: Captain, I'm picking up some strange readings in Engineering. Some kind of plasmatic energy field is forming. Janeway: Janeway to Torres. We're picking up some odd plasmatic readings down there. Can you confirm? Janeway to Torres. Tuvok: Security, meet me in main Engineering. Security: Aye, sir. Tanis: It's time to go. Kes: Go? Where? Tanis: Back to the Ocampa station. Everyone's waiting for you, Kes. The connection has been made. You're part of us now. Your future has already begun. Tuvok: Tuvok to Bridge. Janeway: Go ahead. Tuvok: I believe the female Caretaker is here. Janeway: Commander, you have the Bridge. Tanis: Can't you feel the connection? Your people are calling to you. Listen to them. Kes: Yes, I can hear them. All of them. Tanis: And can you hear Suspiria? Janeway: Tuvok? Janeway: Who are you? Suspiria: Suspiria. Janeway: I've been looking forward to meeting you. Suspiria: Why? Janeway: Because I had the opportunity to talk to your companion before he died. Suspiria: Yes, I know. Kes: I can feel her presence. She's powerful, turbulent. She's upset. She's angry! Tanis: Kes. Kes: She wants to destroy the ship! Tanis: Kes, listen to me. There's nothing to worry about. Neelix: Am I interrupting? Janeway: He told us that you were curious and went off to explore the galaxy. We're explorers too, but your friend brought us to this quadrant against our will, and we haven't been able to find a way back. Suspiria: Is that why you killed him? Janeway: We didn't kill him. Suspiria: You destroyed the Array and you took his remains. Janeway: I assure you Suspiria: No! Suspiria: You killed him, and now I will kill you. Suspiria: Now you will know what frail, small creatures you truly are. Chakotay: What's going on? Paris: I don't know. It's like the entire molecular structure of the ship is coming apart. Chakotay: Red alert. Bridge to Janeway. Bridge to Janeway. Kim: We're losing hull integrity. Chakotay: Increase power to structural reinforcement. Paris: Aye, sir. Tanis: Forget these people. You're beyond them. Kes: No. Neelix: Leave her alone, Tanis! Tanis: Remember how you felt in the Airponics bay? You've never felt that way in your entire life, have you? Kes: Get away from me! Tanis: That was only the beginning, Kes. Neelix: I said, leave her alone! Kes: Neelix! Tanis: Leave him! Leave him, Kes. He's nothing compared to you. Nothing! You have to trust. Kes: Oh, Neelix. Tanis: Suspiria! Suspiria: So, now you kill me as you did my mate. Janeway: No. I told you we didn't kill him. Please try to understand. We don't want to hurt you. We don't want to hurt anyone. We just want to get home. Janeway: Tuvok, release the forcefield. Tuvok: Captain. Janeway: Do it. Suspiria: You'd show me mercy after what I did to you? Janeway: Yes, I would. Tanis: Take me with you, please. Tuvok: It appears she has descended into subspace. Janeway: Can you track her position? Tuvok: Negative. The rupture has been sealed. She is gone, Captain. Janeway: Captain's log, supplemental. We've resumed our course back to the Alpha quadrant but the female Caretaker is still out there with the power to send us home, and I will use all my power to find her and convince her to do just that. Kes: I looked at the tea and I tried to make it boil, but nothing happened. Without Tanis's help, I just can't do it. Tuvok: Nevertheless, your psychokinetic abilities are still a part of you. They might resurface one day. Kes: To be honest, I never want to see that part of myself again. Tuvok: To which part are you referring? Kes: To the part of me which got pleasure from destroying those plants in the Airponics bay. To the part of me that was tempted to go with Tanis. I never realized I had such dark impulses. Tuvok: Without the darkness, how would we recognize the light? Do not fear your negative thoughts. They are part of you. They are a part of every living being, even Vulcans. Kes: You? Tuvok: The Vulcan heart was forged out of barbarism and violence. We learned to control it, but it is still part of us. To pretend it does not exist is to create an opportunity for it to escape. Let us begin. Open yourself to the impressions around you. The thoughts, the minds that are on this ship.
Man: New man coming! Man 2: New prisoner. Man: Get out of my way! Man 2: There is a new man coming. Man 3: Here he comes. Man 2: Hurry up. Man: New prisoner! Man 2: Hey, something's coming. Pit: Get out of my way. Man: Kill him, kill him. Kim: Tom. Pit: Nobody touch him. He's mine. Kim: Wait. This is a mistake. I don't belong here! Pit: You don't? Well, I'll just take you home then. All right? Paris: This one's mine. Pit: I say he's not. Paris: He's the reason that I'm here. He was my partner in a bombing. We killed forty seven patrollers at Akritiri. Forty seven! And then this scum confessed to the Tribunal and gave them my name. So I'm telling you again, he's mine. Pit: I'm keeping him. Pit: Take him. For now. Kim: Did you have to hit me so hard? Paris: Trust me. Around here, you don't want anybody thinking you're soft. Kim: Thanks for the tip. Is there any food? Paris: I haven't had anything to eat since I got here. Kim: How long is that? Paris: Couple of days. Some shore leave, huh? What happened to you after they split us up? Kim: The Akritirians interrogated me. When I wouldn't confess to the bombing, they dragged me in front of a judge. He said you'd already confessed for the both of us, then he pronounced me guilty. Paris: That's exactly what happened to me. Then they must have drugged me, because the next thing I knew, I woke up at the bottom of the chute to that welcoming party. Kim: We've got to explain to somebody that there's been a mistake. Paris: Who did you have in mind? Kim: A guard, the warden. Paris: Haven't seen anybody like that. Kim: A prison without guards. Paris: The other inmates say this place is three hundred meters underground. Maybe the Akritirians figure guards aren't necessary. Kim: Can I have some more? Paris: What do you think this is, a hotel? There isn't any more! Kim: Take it easy. Paris: I'm sorry. I'm really starting to get edgy. I think it's the clamp. Kim: The what? Paris: That's what the prisoners call it. Everybody has one. Kim: What is it? Paris: I'm guessing it's some kind of synaptic stimulator. Anyway, it's affecting my nervous system. I've been getting jumpier ever since I got here, not to mention this thing itches like crazy. Kim: What do you think it's for? Paris: Maybe it's some kind of torture device. Kim: We could try taking them out. Paris: No! I saw someone try it. It killed him! What we have to do is find a way out of this place. Kim: Let's get something straight first. Paris: What? Kim: The next time you take a swing at me, I'm hitting back. Kim: What's that? Paris: Another prisoner, maybe. Man: Food! Food! Paris: Join me for dinner? Man: Oh, there's got to be more! Zio: I don't think he was going to eat it anyway, do you? Kim: He's dead. Paris: I think I've lost my appetite. Captain's log, stardate 50156.2. After seventy two hours, Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim are still missing, and I'm quickly losing patience with the Akritirian authorities. They continue to deny us access to the surface, and they've yet to confirm whether our crewmen were killed in the bombing. Janeway: Anything? Tuvok: I have completed another full sensor sweep, including multispectral subsurface scan. I still can not locate their life signs or their comm. badges. Chakotay: Captain, Ambassador Liria is hailing us. Janeway: On screen. I'm only in a mood for good news today, Ambassador. Liria: I'm afraid I can't oblige. Janeway: Are you saying they're dead? Liria: No, they're very much alive. Janeway: Then where are they? Liria: Your men have been convicted of the terrorist bombing at the Laktivia recreational facility, which resulted in the death of forty seven off-duty patrollers. Janeway: I assure you, Ambassador, my people had nothing to do with this attack. Liria: We found chemical traces of the explosive used in the bombing on their hands and clothing. Chakotay: I'm sure the same could be said of anyone who was near the explosion. It's hardly enough evidence for a conviction. Liria: The explosive was trilithium based. There is no source of trilithium anywhere in our system. So, you can imagine our surprise when our investigation revealed that your ship is powered by dilithium, which our scientists tell us is convertible into trilithium. We have long suspected that the so-called Open Sky Terrorists had off-world collaborators. Now we know who they are. Tuvok: Captain, two Akritirian ships are approaching at bearing two seven one, mark six four. Liria: Prepare your ship for inspection, Captain. Janeway: If it will help confirm our innocence, I'll consider it. But first I want to know where my people are being held, and I want to talk to them immediately. Liria: Communication with inmates is not permitted. Janeway: If you want my co-operation, Ambassador, you're going to have to do better than that. Liria: Perhaps you've misunderstood me. Let me clarify our position. Your vessel is being impounded. You and your crew are under arrest. Prepare to be boarded. Tuvok: Captain, their ships are powering weapons. Janeway: Mister Tuvok, raise shields. Mister Chakotay, take the conn. I'd like to resolve this situation peacefully, Ambassador, but let me clarify my position. I will not allow this ship to be boarded. Liria: That, Captain, is an error in judgment. Tuvok: Captain, should I return fire? Janeway: That's not going to help us get Tom and Harry back. We need to regroup. Get us out of here, Commander. Chakotay: Aye, Captain. Kim: What took you so long? I've been back at least half an hour. Paris: You're starting to feel it, aren't you? Kim: I guess I am. Paris: It gets worse all the time. We have to fight it. Let's focus on something positive. Kim: How about a seven course dinner? I suppose you didn't find any food. Paris: Er, well, I found close to fifty good citizens in this quaint little community, but not a grocer among them. Kim: I take it that's a no. Paris: Yeah. But if we ever do get our hands on some food, I found a lovely spot for a picnic. Kim: Great. All we need are the Delaney sisters and we could make a day of it. Paris: So how about you? Come across anything interesting in your travels? Kim: If you mean an escape route, I ran into nothing but solid walls. Paris: Me too. As far as I can see, the only way to the surface is that chute in the main chamber. Kim: Question is, how do we get into it without getting fried by that forcefield? You saw what happened to the man who reached inside. Paris: That's where this might come in handy. Paris: I thought if we could get our hands on some loose wiring, you might be able to use it to rig a device that would short out the forcefield long enough for us to get into the tube. Kim: It's worth a try. Paris: Yeah. Now if we could only figure out a way to short out these implants, we'd be all set. Chakotay: There's no indication they followed us. Janeway: I guess they're more interested in getting rid of us than finding out the truth. Torres: We've got to go back for Harry and Tom. Janeway: B'Elanna. Tuvok: We have no information as to their whereabouts. And if we return to Akritirian space, we are sure to encounter further hostilities. Janeway: Tuvok is right. Let's concentrate on proving Harry and Tom's innocence. Torres: How do we do that? Janeway: We know the explosive was trilithium based. If we find the source of that trilithium, it may lead us to the real bombers. Chakotay: Our long range scans indicate that Liria was right. There's no trilithium in this sector. Torres: What about paralithium? It's used as a fuel for some ion based propulsion systems, and it can be converted into trilithium. Janeway: Review our sensor logs of ships entering and leaving Akritirian space during the time we were in orbit. If anybody's using paralithium for fuel, I want to find out who they are and where they went. Kim: Come on, come on, come on. Paris: Take it easy. You'll get it. Kim: Damn! I can't think! I can't concentrate! Paris: Okay. Okay, concentrate on this. Crown roast of lamb, with a bed of wild rice, and a 2296 Chateau Lafitte Rothschild at the real Sandrine's. Kim: Or how about shrimp with fettran sauce, flambé noodles and fudge ripple pudding. Paris: Good one. Okay. A couple of barbecued T-bone steaks with baked Risan beans and cherry pie for dessert. Let's see you top that one. Kim: Right now, I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of Neelix's leola root stew. Paris: Me too. Never thought I'd say that. Kim: I'm ready to give it a try. So far, so good. Paris: Are you okay? Pit: What are you doing? Paris: Just out for a little stroll. Move it! Pit: What's that? Kim: A pipe. Pit: Let's see it. Paris: Come on. I'd really recommend that you stay out of my way. Pit: You should have thought of that before you took him. Kim: Come on, Tom. Kim: Tom! Kim: Back off! Back off! Back off! Back off! Hang on. I'm getting you out of here. Zio: No fight, no fight. If he doesn't bleed to death, he'll die from infection. Kim: We've got to get him to a doctor. Zio: Of course. We'll call an emergency vehicle and rush him to a hospital. Zio: Hey! What do you want for the dead man's boots? Kim: You can make it. Just a few more steps and we'll be back to the shelter. Paris: Home sweet home. Harry. Kim: Yeah. Paris: I'm hurt pretty bad. Kim: I'll take care of it. Paris: Promise me something. Kim: What? Paris: If things get worse, if it comes down to making a choice, don't worry about me. Take care of yourself. Do we have a deal? Kim: Quiet. Kim: Hey! What are you doing in there? Rib: Get out. Kim: This place is ours. Rib: Get out! Get out! Get out! Kim: Okay, here's the deal. My boots for some clean cloth, a liter of water, two of those food cakes and my friend gets to stay in there until he's better. Zio: I don't take in boarders. Kim: What about the rest of it? Zio: I don't like the color. Paris: Come on. Let's go. This guy's not going to help us. Kim: Just tell me what you want for the food and the bandages, okay? Zio: That pipe you were working with interests me. Kim: I can't trade the pipe. Zio: Then I guess we don't have a deal. Now move on. You're blocking my light. Kim: I'll take you with me. Zio: Take me where? Kim: I know a way out of this place. Zio: I've been in here six years. I've never heard of a way out. Kim: The chute. Zio: Anybody that tries to get in there gets hit with an energy pulse. Kim: With this pipe, I can disable the forcefield. With a little luck, we can make it to the surface. What are you staring at? Zio: I'm trying to figure out if you're a liar, or if the clamp has already made you crazy. Kim: Neither. And I'll prove it to you. Zio: You stand your ground. I like that. Kim: Then we have a deal? Zio: Just remember one thing. If you're lying, I'll kill you. Captain's log, supplemental. So far we've located three ships with paralithium plasma emissions, but none of them appears to have produced explosives. We're currently in pursuit of a fourth vessel. Chakotay: We're in hailing range of the Akritirian freighter, Captain. Tuvok: I'm only reading two life signs aboard. Janeway: Open a channel. This is Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager to the captain of the Akritirian cargo vessel. Vel: I'm the captain of this vessel. What do you want? Janeway: Two of my crew members were convicted by the Akritirians of a terrorist bombing. We're trying to prove their innocence, and we have reason to believe a ship like yours, which uses paralithium for fuel, might have been involved in the production of the explosives. Piri: Let's get out of here. Vel: Quiet. This is a cargo vessel. Janeway: Then you won't mind if a few of my crew members come aboard to have a look around. Vel: Not if they don't mind having their throats cut. Janeway: There's no need to be abrupt. Chakotay: I guess you're not the only captain who doesn't want their ship boarded. Torres: Captain, I'm picking up residual traces of trilithium. They're faint but they're there. I think we may have found our bomb makers. Janeway: Mister Tuvok, send a security detail to Transporter room two. Lieutenant Torres, beam the two of them aboard and tractor their ship into the shuttle bay. Torres: Aye, Captain. Vel: You have no right to hold us. Janeway: My people have been accused of aiding a terrorist group called Open Sky. What do you know about them? Piri: They're not terrorists. They're patriots. One day they'll lead the legitimate government of our people. Vel: We don't have to answer any of their questions, Piri. Janeway: Sounds to me like your young friend here sympathizes with these patriots. Vel: She's not my friend. She's my sister. And our political views are none of your business. Janeway: I don't know much about your world, but I do know that my people are being held for a crime they didn't commit and I'm going to do everything in my power to get them out. Do you understand that? Tuvok: We have confirmed that explosives were indeed produced aboard their ship. Janeway: Escort them to the brig. Tuvok: Aye, Captain. Janeway: And have Mister Chakotay lay in a course for the Akritirian border. Vel: Let my sister go. She didn't have anything to do with the bombing and she's only fourteen. Piri: Prison doesn't scare Vel: Quiet, Piri. Please, you don't know what you're saying. Nobody ever gets out of prison on Akritiri. They'll just let her rot in there for the rest of her life. Janeway: I admire your desire to protect your sister but, it's not really up to me, is it? Piri: Tell them what we know. Janeway: Tell me what? Vel: Piri, don't. Piri: Our brigade found out where the maximum security detention facility is located. Vel: My sister has quite a vivid imagination. Piri: With this ship, you can attack the prison and get your people out. Janeway: I'm sorry. That's not how we do things where I come from. Piri: Coward. Janeway: Mister Tuvok, see that they get a bath and a hot meal. Paris: I don't trust that guy, Harry. Kim: I can handle him. Paris: Just watch your back, okay? Kim: Try to get some rest. Paris: Remember our deal? Kim: What deal? Paris: If it comes down to it, you're going to save yourself, right? If you see a chance, just go. Don't come back for me. Kim: I think the clamp must really be starting to make you crazy. Paris: I'm serious, Harry. Zio: I'm getting tired of waiting. Kim: I've got to go. Paris: Harry. Kim: Damn it! Zio: Don't fight it. Use it. Kim: How do I do that? I feel like there's a million fire ants in my brain. Zio: Good. Make them work for you. Kim: How? Zio: Fire ants sound vicious. Imagine them as your army moving in a vast wave to conquer your enemy. There's a massive struggle going on inside you, a battle to the death between you and the clamp. You have to use whatever force you can to defeat it. Kim: I'd rather use my energy to work on getting out of here. Zio: When I first got here, I assumed the clamp was just a refined form of torture to make our prison stay that much more arduous. Gradually, I began to understand it more fully. It's all right here in my manifesto. My insights, my reasoning, my evidence. It's an experiment. They're studying us like animals. Pitting us against each other to find out what happens. You can see that, can't you? Kim: I guess so. Zio: The greatest threat, of course, would be if we started to cooperate with each other, so they prevented that. But there had to be more to it than that. And the longer I was in here, the more I knew it was my job to figure it out. That's the reason I was put here. And eventually, it came to me as though a fireball had exploded in my mind. And the realization gave me a power over the others. They don't come near me any more. They're afraid of me because I know the truth. Well? Don't you want to know what it is? What is the ultimate purpose of the clamp? Kim: Okay. Zio: It's inspired. Brilliant. It's a method for controlling the prison population. We kill each other off. Kim: Sure. Whatever you say. Zio: So you must enter into the battle. If you let the clamp control you, you'll end up like that crazy old man that took over your shelter. But if you learn to control it, you'll survive. Like me. Kim: Yes. I plan to be out of here before it even becomes an issue. Go ahead. Touch it. Zio: What do you see? Kim: Some kind of hatch. Zio: What do you see? Are we at the surface? Paris: Harry. Kim: How are you feeling? Paris: Er, I was dreaming about Megan Delaney. Kim: Next time I'll try not to wake you. Paris: The chute. You made it in? Did you find a way out? Kim: Not yet, but we're very close. It's just a matter of time, so you've got to hang in there, okay? Paris: What, what happened to me? Kim: Easy, Tom. You got stabbed, remember? Paris: Who, who did it? Kim: One of the prisoners. Paris: No. No, it was you. Kim: I'm trying to change your bandage. Paris: No, get away from me! Kim: Please! Paris: Get away from me! Kim: I'm trying to help you! Tom! Tom, give me the pipe. We need it to get out of here, remember? It's okay. Let me take it. Paris: Harry. What's happening to me? Kim: You're going to be okay. Paris: Harry? Kim: Yeah? Paris: Don't leave me here. Kim: Close your eyes. Zio: Sleep well? Kim: No. Zio: How about your friend? Is he dead yet? Kim: Shut up! The chute leads to a docking port, right? Some kind of ship must come to drop off food, drop off new prisoners. So maybe we could get aboard the ship. Zio: It's getting the best of you. Kim: I know we could do it. Zio: You think they're just going to open the hatch and ask us if we'd like a ride home? Kim: We'd have the element of surprise. Zio: And they'd have the pulse guns. Kim: If we could hold them off, distract them, just for a few minutes, I could establish our location, get a message to Voyager, and they could get us out of here. We'll need weapons. Zio: I've never let anyone see this, but I'm going to let you read my manifesto. It'll teach you how to control the clamp. Kim: I don't want to read your crazy manifesto. Zio: Take it. Learn everything I know. Kim: Now, are you going to help me or not? Zio: If I were like the others, I'd kill you. But I don't lose control. That's the difference between me and you. Kim: Listen! Listen to me, everybody! This is important. I've got something to say. Something you'll want to hear. It's what you've been waiting for. Pit: What the hell do you want? Kim: I've found a way out of here. Pit: There's no way out. Kim: There is! Through the chute! I've been inside! Listen! We have to work together! They'd like us all to kill each other, but we have to cooperate. If we do, we can get out of here. Pit: If you've been in the chute, where does it lead? All: Yeah! Yeah! Kim: Space. It's the truth! We can escape, if we work together! Kim: What the hell are you doing? Paris: Stay back. Kim: You've ruined it! You Paris: It's mine! Mine! Zio: Go ahead. Finish him. Zio: You wanted to kill him, didn't you? Kim: He's my best friend! Zio: No, that's where you're wrong. He's too far gone to be your friend. All he is now is a burden. Kim: That's not true! Zio: He eats your food. He ruined your device. He's given in to the clamp. You've got to get rid of him before he brings you down with him. Kim: Quiet! Zio: You've got a chance to make something of your life in here, but as long as that carcass is in my hut, we'll never be able to go on to more important things. Kim: What the hell are you talking about? Zio: We've got to disseminate the manifesto. Gather our followers. Train them. Kim: You're insane. Zio: You want my protection? You want to live under my roof? Get rid of him. Kim: I don't need your protection! Zio: How long do you think you'll last against Pit and the others without me looking out for you? Zio: Go ahead, take it. Think of what a relief it will be not to have that responsibility, and be free of his ranting. Kim: I'm not a killer. Zio: Do you want to survive in here? You'd better learn to be. Kim: If that's what it takes to stay alive, then I'd rather die. Zio: Get out now. And take him with you, or I will kill him. Liria: Unless you've decided to relinquish control of your vessel, Captain, I suggest that you do not proceed across our border. Janeway: We've captured the ship and crew responsible for the bombing at the Laktivia canteen. Liria: I see. Janeway: I'm prepared to trade them for the immediate and unconditional release of Lieutenant Paris and Ensign Kim. Liria: Your crewmen have already been tried and convicted. Janeway: Are you saying those convictions can't be reversed? No matter what new evidence is brought to light? Liria: You are correct. Janeway: That is an outrageous policy. Liria: I assure you, it has proved to be a most effective deterrent. Good day, Captain. Chakotay: So much for negotiating. Tuvok: What should we do with the prisoners? Janeway: Bring Vel to my ready room. Now. Janeway: I want the location and shield codes of the maximum security detention facility. Vel: What's wrong? the Akritirians didn't agree to your terms? Janeway: No, as a matter of fact. But I suspect you will. Vel: And what makes you so sure? Janeway: Because if you don't, you and your sister are going to spend the rest of your lives in prison. Vel: I'll take you to the prison. And I'll get you in. But there are members of Open Sky in there and I want to get them out too. Janeway: I don't think you understand the way this works. You tell me what I want to know, and after I get my people back, I let you and your sister go. Vel: That's not good enough. Janeway: Mister Tuvok, inform the Akritirians that we're ready to turn the prisoners over. Vel: All right. Tuvok: Crewman Foster, take the prisoner to Commander Chakotay. He will upload the coordinates and codes. Tuvok: May I ask how you propose to get past the Akritirian patrols? No doubt they will attack as soon as Voyager crosses the border. Janeway: That's exactly why the rescue team won't be aboard Voyager. Tuvok: Captain? Janeway: If I'm not mistaken, Mister Neelix's ship is still in our shuttle bay. Tuvok: Yes. However, Mister Neelix's vessel has extremely limited combat capabilities. Janeway: Then we'll have to be very careful, won't we? Pit: I want his clothes, and I want his shoes! Kim: This man is my friend. Nobody touches him! Pit: Back off! You won't have to get hurt. Man: It's the chute! Pit: New prisoner! Man: I got him! Tuvok: Hands on your heads. Janeway: Do it! Now! Neelix: Neelix to Lieutenant Tuvok. Tuvok: Go ahead. Neelix: We've got company. Neelix: Two Akritirian patrol ships on an intercept course. I'm not sure how long I can hold them off. Tuvok: We are moving as quickly as we can, Mister Neelix. Kim: Captain. Janeway: Where's Tom? Kim: He needs help. Tuvok: Go. Patrol: Akritirian Patrol to alien vessel. Disengage immediately. Neelix: Akritirian Patrol. Er, am I in Akritirian space? Oh, dear. I, I thought this was the Heva Seven refueling port. You wouldn't by any chance be able to recommend a respectable establishment where I could have my navigational array repaired? Patrol: Disengage immediately. This is your final warning. Janeway: Janeway to Neelix. Everyone's aboard. Neelix: Acknowledged. I know it's a little cramped back there, so if there's anything I can do to make you more comfortable. Janeway: Neelix, just get us out of here. Neelix: Of course, Captain. Talaxian vessel to Akritirian Patrol. My apologies for the little mix-up. I'll departing now as per your orders. Patrol: Power down your engines and prepare to be boarded. Neelix: Er, what was that, Patrol? That last message was garbled. Neelix: I've always thought of my piloting skills as modest at best, and the conditions were extremely dangerous. Still, I did outmaneuver those Akritirians, didn't I? Paris: You did a terrific job, Neelix. Janeway: I agree. Excellent piloting. Neelix: I'm glad to hear you say that, Captain, because I've been thinking. Until Tom here gets back on his feet, perhaps I could, er, try my hand at conn for a while. Emh: That won't be necessary. Lieutenant Paris is just fine, thanks to excellent doctoring. I've finished analyzing these implants, and you'll be happy to know that the treatment I've provided will successfully counteract their effect on you. Janeway: What exactly was the effect? Emh: My readings indicate that the implants are designed to stimulate the production of acetylcholine in the hypothalamus. Kes: That would explain the agitation. Emh: Hmm. Acetylcholine is a brain chemical common to the neural structures of most humanoids. Essentially, it helps stimulate one's aggressive tendencies. Kim: Zio was right. Paris: Come on, Harry. We're overdue for that steak dinner. Kim: I guess so. Paris: What do you mean, you guess so? It's the thought of that dinner that kept us going. Paris: So, what do you think? Er, baked potato, a big mound of deep fried onion rings. Kim: Tom Paris: Maybe, maybe, some grilled mushrooms. Kim: Tom, listen to me. I, I almost killed you. Paris: What are you saying? You're the one that kept me alive. Kim: I was ready to hit you with the pipe. Don't you remember? Paris: You want to know what I remember? Someone saying, this man is my friend. Nobody touches him. I'll remember that for a long time. So, what do you say we blow a week's worth of replicator rations? Kim: So what's for dessert? Paris: Cherry pie. Don't you remember? Kim: What about the fudge ripple pudding? Paris: Ah! Yes.
Sisko: This is the emblem of the Alliance for Global Unity. They call themselves the Circle. O'Brien: What gives them the right to mess up our station? Odo: They're an extremist faction who believe in Bajor for the Bajorans. Sisko: I can't loan you a Starfleet runabout without knowing where you plan on taking it. Kira: To Cardassia Four to rescue a Bajoran prisoner of war. Kira: Come on. We have a ship waiting. Sisko: What if I told you that I knew someone who could bring stability to Bajor. Someone who could unite the factions and give us a chance to do our job. Sisko: But Bajor doesn't need a man. It needs a symbol, and that's what you are. Jaro: The Navarch needed to return here to assume his new post. He's been made the Bajoran liaison officer to Deep Space Nine. Sisko: I already have a liaison officer. Jaro: Not anymore you don't. Major Kira is no longer assigned to this post. She's been recalled to Bajor. Quark: It's over. Everything. Bajor, the provisional government, the Federation being here, all of it. We've got to leave. Sisko: The provisional government will stand only if the military supports it. Krim: We are all patriots, Commander. Jaro: I am the Circle, Major. Kira: How can you betray your own government? Odo: The Circle's being supplied by the Cardassians. Kira: What? Odo: I borrowed the proof. It's got a Gul's thumb scan on it. Kira: The Circle hates the Cardassians. Odo: They don't know it is the Cardassians. They think they've been buying from Kressari traders. Jaro: Think of the prestige of having the new leader of Bajor being a member of your Order. Winn: If you are the new leader. O'Brien: Commander, two assault vessels are headed this way on a direct course from Bajor. They've given all non-Bajorans seven hours to evacuate. And now, the conclusion. Sisko: Starfleet feels it has no other choice. The Federation is here at the invitation of the Bajoran provisional government. Bashir: No more provisional government, no more invitation. Sisko: Governments can break off relations with an edict. It's not so easy when it comes down to our level. Lieutenant Bilecki here is engaged to a young man from Bajor. Ensign Kelly. Ensign Kelly's daughter and a Bajoran girl worked together on a prize-winning science fair project. All of us who have served on the station for the past year have made Bajoran friends. We've come to care about what happens to these people. I know I do. So I've decided to stay. Just to make sure the evacuation is conducted properly. O'Brien: You'll need someone to oversee the inventory process, sir. Bashir: Packing up all my medical supplies could take quite a while, Commander. Sisko: Before you volunteer too quickly, understand what you're getting into. We'll be trying to delay the takeover of the station as long as possible. Hopefully as long as it takes to expose the Cardassian's involvement in all this. It won't be easy. The Bajoran assault forces have been told that the Federation is their blood enemy. Jaro and the Circle would love nothing more than to have my head and yours and present them to the Chamber of Ministers. This is your last chance to leave here in one piece. Some of you have families. Some are on temporary assignment. I wouldn't blame anyone for getting out now while you can. I mean that. Anyone who wants to evacuate is dismissed. Sisko: Non-Bajorans won't be safe here. Our families, children have to be evacuated. I'm sure many of the Bajorans who have worked with us will want to leave too. There's a lot to get done. The assault vessels will be here in less than five hours. Dismissed. Quark: Hundreds of people to evacuate and only three tiny runabouts available. Do you know what that means? Rom: It means a lot of people will be left behind. Tragic. Yes, brother, your compassion never ceases to amaze me Quark: It means we're going to make a fortune. Rom: We are? Quark: People will pay anything for a seat on those ships. Rom: You can't make me. I won't sell my seat. Quark: Rom Rom: No, I won't stay and be killed just to fill your pockets. Quark: Rom, do you actually believe that I would sacrifice my own brother's life for personal profit? Quark: It would have to be the deal of a lifetime. Rom: Yes, my lifetime. Quark: Listen to me. We're both going to escape. But our bags will be packed with all the gold-pressed latinum we can carry. Jake: Nog! Nog: I've been looking all over for you. Jake: What ship you on? Nog: Rio Grande. Jake: I'm on the Ganges. Nog: It'll be okay. We'll see each other at the Hanolan colony in a few days. Jake: That's not where I'm going. Nog: But my dad told me Jake: My ship's going to the Korat system. I guess that's where they're taking all the Starfleet families. Nog: This'll be over in no time. We'll be back in school driving Mrs O'Brien crazy again in a few days. Jake: Just when I think I've found a new home, made a new friend, it always seems like I got to leave. Nog: Hey, Human. Jake: Cut it out. Nog: Has there ever been one of your kind and one of mine who were better friends? Jake: Never. Nog: And if our fathers couldn't break us up, no stupid coupe day. Coupe dey Jake: Coup d'état. It's French. Nog: No stupid French thing will either. We'll see each other again soon. That's a promise. Odo: Mister Sisko, Nog. This is no time to be fooling about. Get yourselves wherever you're supposed to be. O'Brien: Is that everything? Keiko: Sure. O'Brien: Keiko, please, don't go like this. Keiko: Like what? O'Brien: I don't have any choice. Keiko: Don't you? O'Brien: He needs me. Keiko: We don't? O'Brien: We can't just let the Cardies have the wormhole. Keiko: They can have the whole Gamma Quadrant for all I care. Miles, come with us. Molly: Where are we going? O'Brien: On a ride, sweetheart Molly: Are you coming too, Daddy? O'Brien: Soon, baby. I'll come as soon as I can. I'll walk you to the airlock. Dax: I've scanned every subspace communication window to find a frequency to Bajor. They've got them completely jammed. Kira: Then we have no choice. We'll have to take the proof to the Chamber of Ministers. Li: Jaro's forces will be scanning for any incoming vessels. Sisko: A runabout could handle a Bajoran patrol. Unfortunately I don't have one to give you Li: The Lunar Five base? Kira: You think there's still a ship there? Li: We managed to get a few sub-impulse raiders underground before the Cardassians hit us, but that was ten years ago. Kira: Can one of the evacuation vessels take a detour and drop me off? Sisko: What if you get there and those raiders won't fly? Kira: Then I'll just have to wait to hear from you, I guess. Sisko: You may be waiting a long time. Dax, do any of your former hosts have experience with sub-impulse thruster configurations? Dax: Yes. Tobin Dax. Kira: Tobin? I don't think I've heard about this one. Dax: My second host. Barely a sex life and no imagination, but he knew phase coil inverters like no one else. Sisko: Major Kira could use his experience today. Quark: I have no time for this foolishness! I still have to pack! Sisko: What's the problem? Odo: He's been brokering seats on the evacuation vessels. Sisko: Where did you get more seats? Quark: Everybody always asks the brokers where they get their extra seats, and all I can say is, it's my business to find preferred seating for a select list of clients Sisko: I have got more than two hundred people who want to get off this station. Where did you get more seats? Quark: A few trades. A person here or there who changed his mind about leaving at the sight of a reasonable stipend. Bashir: Bashir to Commander Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Bashir: We're having a bit of a panic at the airlocks, sir. Far more passengers than we can handle have shown up Bashir: And they all claim to have made arrangements to leave. Quark: I might have overbooked slightly. Sisko: On my way. Quark: It's an accepted Ferengi transit practice. I feel perfectly justified. I have complete faith in Commander Sisko's ability to straighten this out. Odo: I'll pass that on. He'll be so pleased to know that he has your confidence. Quark: As I'm no longer needed, my brother is waiting for me on the ship. Hey, Odo, you'll miss me. You know you will. Say it. Odo: I'll miss you, Quark. Quark: You said it, Odo: I'll miss the aggravation, the petty theft, the bad manners. Quark: Odo. Take care of yourself. Sisko: Don't you understand? There isn't room for everyone. We have to get our families, our children and non-Bajorans Li: Where are you running to? This is Bajor. We are Bajorans. We fought a war to regain our homeland. How can you abandon it like frightened Cardassian voles? These ships are for our guests who must leave because it is no longer safe for them here. However, we are Bajorans. And I say that we stay and we solve our problems together. Are you willing to join me? Sisko: As soon as the passenger lists are confirmed, get these ships out of here. Bashir: They're almost ready to go, sir. The Rio Grande is full and so is the Orinoco. Sisko: Get them launched. Bashir: Aye, sir. Sisko: Are you ready? Jake: I've been thinking. I really think it'd be better if I stayed. Look, I just don't want anything to happen to you. Sisko: That makes two of us. Jake: What's this? Sisko: A letter I wrote you. Jake: A letter? Sisko: Just some things. Jake: I'll read it as soon as I get on the ship. Sisko: Wait a while. I'll see you in a couple of weeks. O'Brien: That's everyone. Sisko: Sisko to Ganges. Proceed with launch. Kira: Acknowledged. Good luck, Commander. Kira out. Quark: No! No! Wait! Quark: My ship, the Rio Grande, my brother's on it. He's got my ticket. Bashir: That ship was full, sir. I checked the list myself and Quark's name wasn't on it. His brother Rom did go aboard, but he was with a dabo girl. Quark: A dabo girl? What? Sisko: Looks like he sold your seat. Quark: No, you don't understand. You don't understand! I can't stay here. I'll be hung. Call the ships back! I'll pay anyone five bars of gold pressed latinum for a seat. Ten bars. Twenty. Day: Clear. Day: No resistance at all. Minister Jaro's prediction was correct. The Federation has tucked its tail between its legs. Krim: Where are the Bajoran officers who worked Starfleet? Where is Li Nalas? Day: Perhaps they knew this old station could never withstand a siege and they abandoned it with Starfleet. Krim: The most strategic position in the entire sector, at the mouth of the wormhole. Had I been Federation commander, I would not have abandoned it so easily. Kira: Can you believe a year ago I was living in a camp like this, only not quite so nice. Dax: Have I mentioned how allergic Trills are to insect bites? Kira: Really? Dax: Well, he biochemical connections between the host and symbiont can't tolerate the. Oh! Whoa! What's that? Is that a spider or a dog? Kira: Palukoo. The Bajoran moons are full of them. Dax: I suppose you used to make them your pets and sing songs about them around the campfire. Kira: No, we used to eat them. There it is. Dax: Are you sure this thing is supposed to fly? Kira: I've been in a lot worse. Dax: I guess the Bajoran resistance must have had a lot of short pilots. Kira: No, just short engineers. They were always building these things without thinking. Dax: Encouraging. Kira: Bend your knees, you'll fit. Kira: The real trick will be to fire up these thrusters after all this time. It was hard enough to get them running when they were being used every day. Dax: We'll get them fired up. You don't need to worry about that. Kira: You're sure, huh? Dax: Yep. I have no intention of getting stuck here eating palukoos. Day: We should advise Minister Jaro of our success immediately. Krim: You're too eager to receive his plaudits, Colonel. What's the status of the internal security net? Officer: Completely disabled, General. Krim: Scan the Operations Center for organic material. Officer: Organic? Krim: The station's security chief is apparently missing. The shape-shifter. It's possible he left with the evacuation ships or perhaps there's something more here than meets the eye. Officer: Yes, sir. Krim: Scan six times an hour at random intervals. Bajoran: Minister Jaro on subspace, sir. Day: Minister, I'm pleased to inform you that we've encountered no resistance so far. Jaro: Good news. Then the Federation has withdrawn. Day: We monitored the evacuation of three vessels several hours ago Jaro: When I announce that we've secured the station, it will certainly impact the Krim: Minister, I urge caution. The battle for this station hasn't even begun yet. Jaro: You expect the enemy to return, General? Krim: I'm not convinced they ever left. The internal security net has been sabotaged. We have no way of tracking the movements of anyone on board, which suggests someone didn't want to be that easily found. Jaro: Kira? Krim: Perhaps. She is unaccounted for. So too is Security Chief Odo. So is Li Nalas. Jaro: You're right. Li Nalas would never abandon Bajor. He must still be there. Jaro: Let me re-emphasize that you are to take every necessary step to keep Li Nalas alive. Dead, he's a martyr. Alive, he seals our victory. Day: Understood. Winn: Once you have him, Li will see the wisdom of giving you his support. Jaro: I'll offer him anything he wants to make sure he does. Short of becoming the next Kai, of course. Winn: You have a unique ability to build a consensus, Essa. Bajor has been waiting for a leader like you. Jaro: Leaders like us. Winn: If I am so favored by the Vedek Assembly. Jaro: You don't have to worry about that. Twenty six hours after I'm sworn into office, I'll direct the Vedek Assembly to elect you Kai. Together, we will rebuild Bajor. Kira: You got it! Dax: Don't turn the engines off. We'll never get them started again. Kira: Let's go! Dax: Thank you, Tobin. Kira: Dax, come on. Dax: The hell with it. If it's going to fly, it's going to fly. Kira: Problem? Dax: No. Everything's wonderful. Dax: Ow! Kira: The knees. Listen to that sound. That sure brings back some memories. Dax: How did you ever win a war in these things? Kira: We were the insects, Lieutenant. The Cardassians were just as allergic as Trills. Is the proximity system working? Dax: I think so. Kira: All right. Let's see if we can get out of here without bouncing off any walls. Krim: You're be playing right into their hands. Day: If you're so convinced they're still here, how can you sit and wait for them to attack? Krim: They have no interest in attacking. Day: What makes you so sure? Krim: Because I understand military tactics. They are vastly outnumbered. If we divide our forces Officer: The primary sensor array was sabotaged, sir. As soon as we tested it, the subnet shorted out. Day: You can let your engineers play with the machines. I'm sending out search parties. O'Brien: Eat hearty. The replicators crash in sixteen minutes. This'll have to last awhile. Sisko: Combat rations, Chief? Couldn't you replicate something a little more palatable? O'Brien: You don't like combat rations? Sisko: A french onion soup would have really been nice. O'Brien: Miracle of science, these little combat rations. Timed release formula of all the nutrients the body needs for three days. I love 'em. Only thing I miss about the Cardassian front. Sisko: Sisko to all units. You can thank Chief of Operations Miles O'Brien Bashir: You haven't made any friends, here, Chief. Or should I say, Chef. O'Brien: Julian. O'Brien: Well, I would have expected you of all people to appreciate the nutritional value of combat rations. Bashir: Actually, when I was in Med school, I designed an incredible candy bar which was far superior in food value. Quark: Am I the only one who doesn't think this is funny? Odo: Odo to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Odo: Stand by. There's a patrol approaching. I'll get back to you in a minute. Odo: A five-man unit is about to begin a search of the cargo deck. Bashir: That puts them closest to me, Commander. Sisko: Stand by, Doctor. O'Brien: Maybe we should send him with a little more experience. Someone who can run the show, like Li. Sisko: No, I need him here with us. Doctor, move your unit to cargo bay six. You know what to do. And let me re-emphasize, use deadly force only if absolutely necessary. Bashir: Aye, sir. We're on our way. Quark: Happy hunting. Bashir: I wouldn't get too close to that. It's thorium isotope. Bashir: Prolonged exposure could have very nasty consequences. Bashir: Bashir to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Bashir: Mission accomplished. Bashir: We have our first five prisoners of war. Kira: Preparing to establish a high altitude orbit of Bajor. Dax: Navigational sensors aren't functioning. Kira: No problem. Dax: No problem? Big problem. Without navigational sensors Kira: we'll have to fly by the seat of our pants. Dax: Great. Seat of the pants technology. Kira: You Starfleet types are too dependant on gadgets and gizmos. You lose your natural instincts for survival. Dax: My natural instincts for survival told me not to climb aboard this thing. I'd say they were functioning pretty well. Kira: I know the terrain of Bajor. We ought to be able to recognize a landing site by Kira: What the hell was that? Dax: I have no idea. None of the sensors are functioning. Kira: Someone's firing at us. Initiating evasive maneuvers. Dax: I'm reading the EM signature of an impulse engine. Kira: Let's see what we're dealing with. Kira: Welcoming committee from Jaro. Dax: We'll never outrun them in this. Kira: You're right. We'll have to even the match. Dax: And how do you intend to do that? Kira: New playing field. I'm taking us down into the atmosphere. They won't be able to use their impulse engines down there. If they want a fight, they'll have to fight on our terms. O'Brien: Come on. Get down. O'Brien: O'Brien to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. O'Brien: They've got us pinned down in here. Sisko: On our way, Chief. O'Brien: Now! Kira: All right. They've gone to thrusters. That evens things up a little. Dax: If you consider two against one even. Kira: There is one problem. Dax: One? Kira: The guys flying those ships? Dax: Yeah? Kira: Used to be the guys flying these ships. Test the phaser banks. Dax: Full power. Kira: Good. Dax: Not so good. The phaser locks are dead. There's no way to aim. Kira: Sure there is. Dax: I know, I know. Seat of the pants. Kira: With your eyes, Lieutenant, not your pants. Just point at them and fire. Dax: You fly, I'll shoot. Kira: Hang on. Kira: Where the hell's the other one? Kira: I think we found him. Dax: Thruster power is falling. Kira: They must have hit a plasma conduit. Dax: Got any fire gear? Kira: Check under the seat. Dax: I think I've got something. Got it. That's it? Kira: That's it. Dax: Might as well jettison the plasma tank. The thrusters are gone. Kira: Plasma tank ejected. Can you see any openings where we could put down? Dax: Six kilometers ahead at two o'clock. Kira: Er, anything a little closer? Dax: How much closer? Kira: How about right here. Soldier: Sir, up here. One of the Ferengi's holosuites is in use. Day: Don't try it. Get their weapons. Sisko: This is Commander Benjamin Sisko. Please listen very carefully. The Cardassians are supplying the weapons for this coup, Day: Ridiculous. No Bajoran would ever accept help from them. Sisko: Jaro doesn't know. The Cardassians are using the Kressari to deliver the weapons to the Circle. Day: That is a Federation lie. Sisko: The proof is on its way to Bajor. Once this evidence is presented, the coup will end. We don't want to fight you or hurt anyone. Your officers will be our guests for awhile. I hope they won't mind Starfleet combat rations. Krim: Day, what the hell is going on? Day: I was taken prisoner. The Federation is behind all this. Sisko spoke to me. Krim: So, Commander, you didn't abandon your post after all. What did he say? Day: Nothing of consequence. Krim: Why did he let you go? Day: I promised them amnesty. A promise I have no intention of keeping. Officer: General, the security net is back online. Krim: Scan for their communication devices. Officer: Not picking up a thing, sir. Krim: Then they must be in a shielded location. Day: The Cardassians used duranium composite to shield all the conduits. Krim: Then that's where we'll find Commander Sisko. Dax: They've found the raider and now they're spreading out. We can't stay here. Kira: I'll slow you down. The only thing that's important now is to get the evidence to the provisional government. Dax: It would be a lot more convincing if it comes from you. Kira: No, the evidence speaks for itself. You have to leave me. That's an order, Lieutenant. Dax: The Federation officially left Bajor yesterday. You're no longer my commanding officer. Kira: I can't walk. Dax: Yes, you can. Kira: You are being a fool, Dax. Dax: Don't talk to your elders that way. Man: You two check over there. Odo: Odo to Sisko. I hope you're not still on level five. Sisko: No, we're on three. Why? Odo: Because they're about to fill the conduits with anesthizine gas, starting with level five. Sisko: Chief? O'Brien: It's a good idea. Kind of thing I might've come up with. We've got to get out of here, and soon. Sisko: We should have heard something from Kira and Dax by now. O'Brien: If they didn't make it, we're all fighting for a lost cause here. Sisko: We still have an ace in the hole. Li: Me? Sisko: Mister O'Brien, get the units ready to move out. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Sisko: Jaro's plan depends on the military's support. Without it, the coup fails. Li: You think I can sway the Generals. Sisko: Right now there's only one General I'm concerned with. The one that's here. He's picked the wrong side and we've got to convince him of that. Would he rather follow a politician or Bajor's greatest war hero Li: I've done everything I can to help. I'd die for my people but Sisko: Sure you would. Dying gets you off the hook. Question is, are you willing to live for your people? Live the role they want you to play. That's what they need from you right now. Bareil: Kira! Kira, you're safe. You're at the monastery. Kira: How did I? The last thing I remember Bareil: The entire city saw your ship go down. The searchers who found you were from my order. Kira: Dax? Bareil: She's fine. She's changing clothes. Kira: We've got to get to the Chamber of Ministers. The Cardassians Bareil: I know. Lieutenant Dax told me. Bareil: Careful. Careful, you've just had a broken hip mended. Kira: How long have I been here? Bareil: Six hours. Kira: Six hours? We have to get out of here. The Chamber of Ministers Dax: Good, you're up. Here, put this on. Kira: Why are we? Dax: It's the only way we can get to the Chamber of Ministers. Bareil: Members of religious orders are the only ones who can travel safely in the streets. I'm going to escort you. Kira: No. No, we have to go alone, Bareil. I can't be responsible for your safety. Bareil: Of course you can't. But I can be responsible for yours. Kira: No. Bareil: Please, don't argue. Dax: So what do you think? Kira: Think? Dax: The nose? Kira: It's flattering. Dax: I'm thinking of keeping it. Bashir: Quark, leave it! Quark: I can't leave it. It's all that I am. My personal mementos, my family album. Bashir: It's filled with gold-pressed latinum and you know it. Quark: Who told you? Bashir: Your mother did. The day you were born. Quark: Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother! Rule of Acquisition number thirty-one. Sisko: Sisko to Bashir. We're in position. Bashir: We're stationed above airlock fourteen, sir, awaiting your signal. Sisko: You've got it. Just make as much noise as you can before you surrender, Doctor. Bashir: We'll make them think there are two hundred of us instead of twenty, sir. Bashir out. Twenty-one. Come on. Now! Quark: Fine. Fine. I'm coming. Day: Proceed with level three. Officer: General, the enemy has attacked our position at airlock fourteen. Krim: They have attacked? Day: We must have flushed them out. Seal all airlocks. Lock all docking clamps. This is Colonel Day. All security units to airlock fourteen. Krim: Let me see what's going on down there Officer: Surveillance cameras have been sabotaged. Krim: How many of our men are stationed by that airlock? Officer: Four, sir. Security: Security to General Krim. The enemy forces at airlock fourteen have surrendered. We've taken several prisoners. Krim: Bring their leaders to me for questioning. Security: Aye, sir. Li: Please don't resist, General. We don't wish to use deadly force. My name is Li Nalas. Perhaps you've heard of me. Jaro: Guards, stop that woman. Winn: What is this blasphemy? Kira: I am Major Kira Nerys and I've come with proof that Cardassians are behind Minister Jaro's attempt to take control of the government. Jaro: Major Kira has long been an outspoken opponent of the provisional government, of reason, of progress and now finally, of me. I am honored to be included, Major, but I have no intention of allowing you to disrupt the orderly transition of power with these wild charges. Kira: This is a manifest PADD from a Kressari vessel. It bears the thumbscan of a Cardassian Gul who transferred weapons to that ship. Those weapons were taken by the Kressari to the Circle. This coup will deliver Bajor back into the hands of its greatest enemies. Are you willing to live under Cardassian rule again? Jaro: I assure you there is nothing to these accusations. Winn: Then you should have no objection to an inspection of this manifest, Minister. Jaro: Of course not. We'll adjourn for the time being. And let me say that I completely support this investigation and fully intend to cooperate. Krim: Colonel, you deliberately withheld information that was to be communicated to me. Day: Information? Krim: Regarding the Cardassians. Day: Lies. That's all they were. Krim: We have been told the Chamber is in recess while evidence of Cardassian involvement is being examined. Sisko: The Circle is broken, Colonel. Krim: I'm returning to the surface immediately to consult with the Ministers. I expect I will be asked to resign. Commander, since the provisional government has prevailed, I believe it is appropriate to return the command of this station to Starfleet. Well fought, sir. Day: No! O'Brien: Commander! Li: Off the hook, after all. Kira: Somehow, you figured now that he was here, things would be better, you know. He'd find a way to make things better because he was a man who could do that. A great man. I wish I knew where we could find others like him. Sisko: Major, there are heroes all over Bajor. I'm sitting with one. Kira: I'm sorry, I don't feel like celebrating tonight. Excuse me. O'Brien: Sir, can I ask you something? Sisko: Sure. O'Brien: About Li Nalas. Sisko: Mm hmm. O'Brien: Listening to Kira talk about all he was, all he did, all he was going to do, she makes him sound like he was larger than life. like he was some kind of military genius. But the Li Nalas I Sisko: Chief, Li Nalas was the hero of the Bajoran resistance. He performed extraordinary acts of courage for his people and died for their freedom. That's how the history books on Bajor will be written, and that's how I'll remember him when anybody asks. O'Brien: Yes, sir. Dax: Dax to Sisko. The Ganges has just docked at pad C, Benjamin. Sisko: Acknowledged. O'Brien: Excuse me, sir. Jake: Dad!
Kira: Now remember, I want him treated like a visiting head of state. Full communications and computer access, any assistance he may need from the station's crew. Dax: You should have told us know he was coming sooner. I think we have a red carpet in storage somewhere. Kira: Dax, this is important. Tekeny Ghemor led the dissident movement against Cardassia's Central Command. And now that Dukat and the Dominion have taken over, there is no one better qualified to lead the opposition. Dax: Besides, he's practically your father. Worf: Your father? Ghemor is a Cardassian. Kira: It's a long story. Dax: The Cardassians once kidnapped Kira and surgically altered her to look like Ghemor's missing daughter. Kira: It was part of a plan to expose him as the leader of the dissident movement. Worf: Cardassian politics are very complex. Dax: I think they like it that way. Kira: Ghemor may be the only hope left for Cardassia. He deserves our help. Ghemor: That's a lot of faith to put in one man. Ghemor: I hope I won't prove too great a disappointment. Kira: Legate Ghemor. It's good to see you. Ghemor: How many times must I tell you, Nerys? If you won't call me father, Tekeny will do. Kira: Welcome to Deep Space Nine, Tekeny. This is our science officer, Lieutenant Commander Jadzia Dax, and our strategic operations officer, Lieutenant Commander Worf. Ghemor: That's quite a reception for an old man. Ah, I see you're wearing the bracelet I gave you. Kira: Not exactly permitted under the uniform code, but Ghemor: It looks good on you. It was a pleasure meeting both of you, but if you don't mind, I'm afraid the journey here was a little draining. Kira: Oh, I'll show you to your quarters. Worf: Major Kira, friends with a Cardassian. It seems wrong. Dax: You should've known her five years ago. Back then, I never thought she'd be friends with anyone. Kira: I've had the replicator programd with a complete Cardassian menu. You've got twenty six hour a day computer access, a private subspace comm. channel, and if there is anything else you need, you just ask me. Ghemor: I wish I had your energy. Kira: I am sorry. I just wanted you to feel at home. Ghemor: You've been very kind. Kira: I thought you should know. I checked with Bajoran Security. There are still no leads on your daughter. Ghemor: She's dead, isn't she? Kira: We don't know that. Now, if Iliana is still alive, she's been undercover on Bajor for over a decade now. It's very hard to find someone who's been hiding that long. Ghemor: I know you're trying to keep my hopes up, but it's time I faced the facts. I'm alone. You're the closest thing to family that I have left. Kira: Bajoran Security has not given up hope. Neither should you. You just have to be patient. Ghemor: I'm afraid patience is for the young. But what about you, Nerys? How is life treating you? Kira: Oh, I've got no complaints. Now, did you read the proposal I sent you? Ghemor: It was very ambitious, but I'm afraid you'll have to find another person to lead the effort. Kira: No, you are the perfect person for the job. You're still popular on Cardassia. The people respect you. They'll listen to you. Ghemor: It's not that simple. Kira: We can make it work. We'll set up a government in exile here on the station. You could make regular transmissions into Cardassia, issue corrections to their propaganda, mobilize your old friends in the dissident movement. Ghemor: Nerys, it's a good plan, but I can't help you. Kira: Why? Ghemor: I have Yarim Fel syndrome. It's terminal, Nerys. I'm dying. Bashir: I'm afraid the prognosis isn't good. The disease has already spread throughout your digestive tract, your circulatory and respiratory systems, and your cartilaginous tissue. Ghemor: How much time do I have left? Bashir: I'm not sure. There are still some treatments we can try. Hexadrin therapy or neuroregeneration procedures. Ghemor: I appreciate anything you can do. I'm sorry, Nerys. I'm afraid this isn't going the way you planned. Kira: Oh, don't worry about me. The important thing is to get you well. Sisko: Begin Captain's log, stardate O'Brien: Ops to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. O'Brien: You've got an incoming O'Brien: Message from Cardassia. It's from Gul Dukat. O'Brien: He's demanding to speak to you. Sisko: Put him through. Dukat: Ah, Captain Sisko. Always a pleasure. Sisko: Still calling yourself Gul? I'm surprised you haven't promoted yourself back to Legate by now. Dukat: I prefer the title Gul. So much more hands-on than Legate. And less pretentious than the other alternatives, President, Emperor, First Minister, Emissary. Sisko: How about Dominion Puppet? Dukat: Captain, such comments only reveal a deep misunderstanding of the intricacies of the Dominion political system. Under our new administration, Cardassia enjoys unparalleled autonomy and Sisko: You can justify yourself later, Dukat. I'm a busy man. Dukat: Very well. We have reason to believe you have one of our citizens aboard your station. A certain Tekeny Ghemor, formerly a Legate in the Cardassian Central Command. Sisko: And if we do? Dukat: Well, we want him back. To put it mildly, he has a lot to answer for. Sisko: I will take your request under advisement. But considering the Federation doesn't recognize your government, and that Cardassia has never agreed to an extradition treaty with Bajor or the Federation, you shouldn't get your hopes up. Ghemor: What a beautiful baby you are. Yes. You must be very proud. Kira: He's Miles and Keiko's baby. I just carried him to term for them. Ghemor: Maybe you'd better? Kira: Yeah. Are you? Ghemor: It'll pass. It's silly, but I almost feel like a grandfather. After all, you're the closest thing I have to a daughter. Kira: Yoshi's the closest thing I have to a son. You'd make a terrific grandfather. Ghemor: And what about you, Nerys? Have you ever thought about having one of your own? Maybe with that Shakaar fellow of yours? Kira: You know about me and Shakaar? Ghemor: I've been keeping an eye on you. It made me feel like I still had family. Kira: What did you do, hire someone to follow me around? Ghemor: Credit an old man with some restraint. I just had people let me know when they heard anything about you. Like it or not, you're a public figure, Nerys. First officer of one of the most important military installlations in the quadrant. Your feud with Kai Winn has become already something of a legend. Did you know that you have your own section in the Cardassian Central Archives? You've made an impression on people, Nerys. A good one. You should be proud of everything you've accomplished. I am. Kira: You know, I've kept my ears open for news about you too. I was worried about you. Opposing the Cardassian government is dangerous business. Ghemor: I enjoyed it, while it lasted. I have a fondness for hopeless causes. It runs in the family. Kira: Dukat called the station. He wants you extradited to Cardassia. Ghemor: I'm not surprised. He knows that as long as I'm alive, I'm a threat to him. Kira: We won't let him get his hands on you. Ghemor: Nerys, I know more about the Cardassian government than anyone alive. Names, alliances, plots. Things that could do a lot of good in the right hands. There's a Cardassian tradition, shri-tal. The dying give their secrets to their family to use against their enemies. But I have no one left to carry my secrets. No one but you. Kira: Me? Ghemor: Be my daughter one last time, Nerys. Hear what I know and use it as you see fit. Sisko: I hate to sound callous, but we have a tremendous opportunity here. Ghemor is basically volunteering to give us more intelligence on Cardassia than we've been able to gather in five years. Kira: That's exactly what he's doing. Sisko: It's quite a responsibility he's handing you. Kira: I know. I can't help wondering if he's chosen the right person. What if I get too involved or I don't ask the right questions? Maybe I can convince Ghemor to talk to a counselor or Constable Odo. I mean, he questions people every day. Sisko: Maybe. But Ghemor just doesn't want to be debriefed. He wants someone to talk to. Someone to be with until the end. Kira: And that someone is me. Furel: Nerys! Kira: Father. Father, can you hear me? Sisko: Are you up to it? Kira: I have no choice. I'm all he's got. Bashir: If Ghemor's pain gets too severe, push this. It'll administer a small dose of triptacedrine. If you want to replenish the medication, be sure and turn this valve, diskonnect it from here, and replace it with a new supply. If you don't want to do it yourself, you can always call for a nurse to help. Kira: I can manage. Bashir: I hope you're right. Looking with someone with a terminal condition isn't easy, especially in this case where you'll be acting as Ghemor's only source of emotional support. Kira: I know what I'm getting myself into. Bashir: I'm sure you do. Well, let me know if you need anything. Kira: Tekeny. Ghemor: Nerys. Kira: No, don't try to move. Ghemor: Mouth's dry. Kira: I'll get you some water. Careful. Kira: Oh, damn it. I'm sorry. Ghemor: It's all right. You're doing fine. Maybe we should get started. Kira: Session one, stardate 50712.5. Whenever you're ready. Ghemor: Probably Dukat's most powerful enemy is Gul Trepar, the head of the Fourth Order. He's Kira: What is it? Ghemor: Button. Kira: Better? You know, maybe I can ask Doctor Bashir to get you something stronger. Ghemor: No. Anything stronger and I'd be unconscious. And you and I have a lot to talk about. Where were we? Kira: Trepar. Ghemor: Trepar. Trepar used to outrank Dukat and he's not happy to be taking orders from one of his former subordinates. Trepar's aide is a man named Glinn Borven, a political opportunist with all the loyalty of a Kira: Medic! We need a medic! What the hell's taking them so long! Taban: Nerys! Nerys, don't leave me. I was such a fool. When the Cardassians started setting fire to the village, I tried to talk to them, to reason with them. Look what they've done to me. Kira: I'm going to make them pay for this, I promise you. Taban: They burnt my garden, set fire to everything. I worked for years planting it, caring for it, and now it's gone. Kira: We'll plant another one, together, you and I. Taban: I wish I had your strength, Nerys, your confidence. I'm so afraid. Kira: Where's that damn medic? Taban: Don't go. Stay with me. The medic can wait. I don't want to be alone. Kira: The subject is asleep. I'm concluding the interview for the day. Ghemor: Cold, cold. Sisko: It's a good start. Starfleet Intelligence will be very pleased. Kira: There's more where that came from. Ghemor seems to know every politician and bureaucrat on Cardassia. Sisko: You look tired. Kira: I've been up for thirty hours straight. Sisko: You should get some rest. Bashir: Bashir to Major Kira. Kira: Go ahead. Bashir: Please report to Ghemor's quarters immediately. Bashir: He's not responding to the hexadrin therapy anymore. Ghemor: Nerys. Kira: I'm here. Ghemor: Ask me questions, Nerys. We don't have much time. Kira: You were talking about the Supreme Tribunal. Sisko: Status report. Worf: A Jem'Hadar battleship is approaching the station. Dax: Its weapons are armed and its targeting systems are active. Sisko: Red Alert. All crewmembers report to battle stations. O'Brien: They're hailing us. Sisko: On screen. Dukat: Captain Sisko. Sisko: Gul Dukat. What's the meaning of this? Dukat: You said you'd take my request for Ghemor's extradition under advisement. O'Brien: They've locked weapons on the station. Dukat: I eagerly await your decision. Dukat: Captain Sisko. Thank you for the kind invitation. This is one of my Dominion advisors, Weyoun. Sisko: We've met. I saw you die. Weyoun: That wasn't me. At least not exactly. Dukat: The Vorta are experts at cloning. Weyoun: It tends to mitigate the risk involved in so much of our work. My predecessor was the fourth incarnation of our noble progenitor. I am the fifth. Sisko: Immortality. Weyoun: Of a sort. Interested? Sisko: Dukat, you said you wanted to talk to me. Now is your chance. Dukat: Then I'll make it simple, Captain. Tekeny Ghemor is not a well man. He would be better off under the care of his own people. We want him to know he can come home. Sisko: To attend his own execution. Dukat: No, not at all. Ghemor's case has been reviewed by the new judicial system and he's been cleared of any wrongdoing. Weyoun: Dominion courts are renowned for their honesty and equanimity. Dukat: So, as you can see, there's no reason Ghemor can't return to Cardassia. Sisko: I don't think he would agree with you. Weyoun: Perhaps we should find out. Ghemor: Dukat, I have a week to live, maybe less. Do you really expect me to trade my silence for a few short days under the Cardassian sun? Dukat: It is where you belong, Ghemor. Ghemor: And it's where I'd be this very moment if you hadn't betrayed our people to the Dominion. Good day, Dukat. Weyoun: He doesn't seem to like you very much. We're going to have to do something about your public image. Kira: Gentlemen. Dukat: You haven't heard my entire offer. We do have something else I think might interest you. Your daughter, Iliana. Ghemor: Iliana? I Kira: Don't listen to him. Dukat: Your daughter is alive. I know where to find her. Ghemor: I want to believe you, Dukat, but even if I did, let's just say I don't like the company you're keeping. You and I might have come to an agreement, one Cardassian to another. But now dealing with you means dealing with them, and that makes the price too high. Kira: All right, you have your answer. Dukat: My ship will be docked here few days longer. Weyoun: In case you change your mind. Ghemor: I won't. Quark: What can I get for you, Major? A frosty Bajoran ale perhaps? Or something stronger? How about a Black Hole? Kira: Whatever. Quark: You look terrible. Not that I mind. I like my women a little rumpled. Kira: Quark, just get me my drink. Quark: I know just the thing. Warm Enyak's milk. It'll help you sleep. Kira: Come in. Dukat: Major. Sorry to disturb you. Kira: Sorry enough to leave? Dukat: Your defense of Ghemor is admirable. But did it ever occur to you, you may be fighting the wrong battle? Do you recall the massacre at the Kiessa Monastery? Kira: Kiessa. What's that got to do with Ghemor? Dukat: See for yourself. That is his official military record. You can verify anything on there with Bajoran Intelligence if you like. Kira: You are really enjoying this, aren't you? Huh? All your sick little games. Dukat: I must admit, I do get a certain perverse pleasure out of it. Read it or not, it's up to you. Kira: I promise you, Dukat, I will make you pay for all of this one day. Dukat: Maybe. But not today. Ghemor: Nerys. Kira: I'll be right there. Kira: Now what? Ghemor: I was thirsty. Kira: Just sit back. You're all tangled up. Ghemor: I'm sorry. Kira: It's a little late for that now, isn't it? Ghemor: Nerys, is something wrong? Kira: Yes there's something's wrong. You lied to me. Ghemor: About what? Kira: About everything. But let's start with Kiessa Monastery. Ghemor: Kiessa. Kira: You were there, weren't you? Ghemor: Dukat told you. Kira: The Cardassian army burned Kiessa to the ground. Seventeen monks were killed. Ghemor: But they were hiding weapons for the Resistance. Weapons that were being used to kill my friends. It was war. It was easy to despise you. But you weren't the monsters, we were. I wish I'd never joined the military, never volunteered for duty on Bajor. But I did. And I can't change that, no matter how much I might want to. Kira: So instead you hid the truth from me. Ghemor: No, Nerys. I didn't want you to hate me. Kira: It's what you deserve. Ghemor: Nerys! Weyoun: Dabo! That is dabo, isn't it? Dukat: I don't know why you insist on playing this ridiculous game. Weyoun: I like games. Dukat: Ah, Captain. Can I help you? Sisko: I thought we should talk. I realize I haven't been much of a host. Sisko: Here, have some kanar. Dukat: No, thank you. I'm not particularly thirsty right now. Sisko: I insist. Dukat: I said no thank you. I never touch Kanar on an empty stomach, Captain. It's bad for the digestion. Sisko: In this case, that's something of an understatement. Because in that bottle is enough voraxna poison to kill at least a dozen Cardassians. It was delivered to Tekeny Ghemor less than twenty minutes ago. Dukat: Fascinating. Sisko: What's wrong, Dukat? Are you afraid Ghemor's going to say something that might undermine your cozy new position? Dukat: Tread with care, Captain. You're coming dangerously close to accusing the head of the Cardassian government of attempted murder. Sisko: Is that what I'm doing? Weyoun: How delightful. The mysterious plots, the subtle innuendos, the veiled threats. It's all so entertaining. Dukat: What? Weyoun: Oh, my. That is quite toxic, isn't it? Dukat: Are you insane? Weyoun: Vorta are immune to most forms of poison. Comes in handy when you're a diplomat. Sisko: Especially when you're working with the Cardassians. You can keep the kanar, Dukat. Ghemor won't be drinking it. Odo: It's a little late for services, Major. Kira: I needed a quiet place to think. If you've got something to say to me, Constable, say it. Odo: I understand you've stopped visiting Ghemor. Kira: He lied to me. I thought he was different, but he's just like the rest of them. Odo: Is he? Really. I've seen his file, too, Major. He was nineteen when Kiessa was destroyed. He'd been in the military for less than a year and was only one of four hundred soldiers at the monastery. There's no way of knowing if he even fired a shot. Kira: He shouldn't have been there at all. Odo: This isn't about Ghemor's war record. If it really mattered, you wouldn't have waited for Dukat to hand it to you. You would have looked it up yourself. Kira: What are you trying to say? That I should go back down there? Odo: Ah. No, I wasn't saying that at all. Are you? Kira: Father? Father. Father, hold still. You'll tear your bandages. Taban: My garden. They burned my garden. Kira: I know. I know. Taban: I can hear the Prophets calling me, Nerys. I can feel my pagh slipping away. Furel: Nerys. We found them. It's a Cardassian heavy weapons unit. Third assault group, ninth order. Kira: Hold on. I'll be right back. How far? Furel: Just outside of Tempasa. Kira: I'll go with you. Furel: Are you sure? Kira: I know the area. Furel: So does Gantt. Kira: They didn't shoot Gantt's father. They shot mine. Furel: All right. Go. Kira: We found the soldiers that did this to you. I'm going to make them pay, just like I promised. Taban: The others. Let them. You don't have to go. Kira: Yes, I do. Yes, I do. I won't be long. Let's go! Kira: Come in. Bashir: I thought you should know that Ghemor's condition has deteriorated. He'll be dead within the hour. Kira: Thank you for the information, Doctor. Bashir: Is that it? Thank you for the information? Ghemor is dying. Kira: I heard you. Bashir: Major, he wants to see you. Kira: Well, I don't want to see him. Bashir: Major, please, it's almost over. There's no more questions to ask, no more work to be done. Just go to his quarters and sit with him. Kira: I said no. Don't ask me again. Bashir: Fine. You must do what you want. But I think you're making a mistake. Regardless of what Ghemor's done in the past, he doesn't deserve to die alone. Nobody does. Furel: All four mortar rounds right in the central compound. And the way they ran, it was like kicking over a mound of barrowbugs. Kira: What was the count? Furel: Five skimmers, and at least, at least fifteen Cardassian dead. Now that's not a bad day's work. We should celebrate. Kira: Yeah. They kill us, we kill them. It's nothing worth celebrating. Gantt: Nerys. Your father. Gantt: He died calling your name. Kira: Get another raiding party together. I want to hit those Cardassians again as soon as we have a chance. Furel: Would you like me to call everyone together? Have Prylar Quen say a few words? Kira: There's nothing left to say. Ghemor: I didn't think you would come. Kira: Well, for a while there, neither did I. Bashir: Cause of death was CNS failure brought on by Yarim Fel syndrome. One witness was present, a Major Kira Nerys of the Bajoran Militia. Witness's statement is attached. Major, we're done here. Kira: That's it? A quick postmortem, a statement from the witness and a little paperwork. It seems so straightforward. Bashir: It never is. Kira: He got so quiet toward the end. I could hear him whispering things. His wife's name, Iliana's, even mine. Then the pain just got too much for him and he just lay there, breathing. And at the end of every exhale, there was this pause, and I thought that's it. It's over. Then he'd force another breath, and another. I started counting them. One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. He was fought for every last second. I don't even think he knew I was there. Bashir: He knew. You gave him what he needed. He didn't die alone. Kira: Maybe he gave me something I needed. I missed my father's death by less than an hour. Did you know that? Less than an hour. I always told myself that it was bad luck, bad timing, the will of the Prophets. But the truth is, I didn't have to go when I did. I could have stayed a while longer. I saw my chance to get out and I took it. I saw so much death during the occupation, I felt so much pain. But my father, he was my strength, and I couldn't stand to see that strength slipping away. So I ran. Bashir: Just like you tried to run from Ghemor. Kira: He reminded me so much of my father. Going through it again, I just couldn't face it. Bashir: But in the end, you did. You were there for Ghemor. Kira: I owed it to him. I owed it to my father to get it right this time. Sisko: You wanted to see me? Dukat: Yes. I understand Legate Ghemor has passed away. Sisko: You must be very relieved. Dukat: Oh Captain, such cynicism does not suit you. All of Cardassia will mourn the passing of Tekeny Ghemor. He was a great man. Sisko: I'm surprised to hear you say that. Dukat: Not at all. It takes a great man to admit he's wrong, and that's what Ghemor did. I'm speaking of his last minute change of heart. His deathbed decision to embrace the new Dominion government. Sisko: That's very moving, except for one small problem. It never happened. Weyoun: As you said, it's a small problem. Dukat: I would like his body transferred to my ship. We'll take him home and bury him with full state honors. Sisko: I'm afraid that's going to be impossible. Legate Ghemor's funeral arrangements have already been taken care of.
Neelix: Computer, deactivate mess hall lights. Neelix: Oh! You scared me. Seven: That wasn't my intention. Neelix: No, of course not. I guess I'm just a little jumpy, especially after what happened the last time. Seven: That's why I'm here. Neelix: Oh? Seven: We'll be shutting down main power soon. The children's regeneration cycle will be interrupted. They'll require supervision. Neelix: Well, I'm happy to help. To tell you the truth, I'd be grateful for the distraction. Seven: The procedure could take several hours. Neelix: How much do they know about what's happening? Seven: Nothing. The children have overactive imaginations. I don't want to alarm them unnecessarily. Neelix: What if they start asking questions? I can't just lie to them. Seven: You have considerable childcare experience. I'm sure you'll manage. Janeway: That's close enough. Let our momentum carry us in. Paris: Cutting engines. Paris: There's a creepy image. Reminds me of something out of Edgar Allan Poe. Kim: Looks like a vampire bat. You can make out the wings, even the ears. What do you see, Tuvok? Tuvok: Two Starfleet officers with juvenile imaginations. Paris: Come on, Tuvok. Haven't you ever looked up at the clouds and seen an animal? Tuvok: I will never understand the human need to find imagery in something as innocuous as a cloud. Janeway: Harry, are we ready? Kim: Yes, ma'am. Janeway: Then let's do it. All hands. initiate shutdown sequence. Emh: Computer, deactivate EMH. Neelix: Everything's all right. We've just had to shut down main power temporarily. Nothing to be concerned about. Torres: Three, two, one, mark. Kim: All decks report shutdown complete, Captain. Janeway: Janeway to Seven of Nine. We're ready. Seven: Acknowledged. Icheb: Why did they shut down main power? Neelix: It's simply a precaution. We've entered a class J nebula and the Captain wants to make sure that we don't attract any, er, residual EM. radiation. Icheb: Our shields provide sufficient protection against nebula discharge. Neelix: Is that so? I'm afraid that gaseous anomalies were never really my specialty. Come on, gather round. I've brought toys and stories and games and I thought that later we might even have a little sing-along. Icheb: I should go to Astrometrics. Seven may need my help. Neelix: I'm afraid that Astrometrics is shut down, too. Mezoti: If we're not analyzing the nebula, why did we enter it? Neelix: Oh, that is a long and dull story, and not nearly as interesting as Flotter Meets the Invincible Invertebrates. Mezoti: Is Voyager in danger? Neelix: Mezoti, there's really no need to leap to those kinds of conclusions. Icheb: Maybe if you explained what's happening in more detail, we wouldn't have to guess. Mezoti: This has something to do with deck twelve, doesn't it? Neelix: Well, what makes you say that? Icheb: Deck twelve section forty two is off limits to everyone but senior officers with a level six security clearance. Mezoti: That's because it's haunted, isn't it? Neelix: Who told you that? Mezoti: Naomi. Icheb: She was just trying to frighten you. Neelix: I'll have to have a talk with that girl. Azan: Is it true? Rebi: Does a ghost live there? Neelix: You're really too old to believe in such silly things. Mezoti: If it's not a ghost, what is it? Icheb: We deserve an explanation. Neelix: I don't think that Seven would be too happy if you all started waking up with nightmares. Azan: Tell us. Rebi: Please? Neelix: All right. Gather round. But I'm warning you, this is not a tale for the faint of heart. Mezoti: We're not faint of heart. Icheb: Our cardiopulmonary systems are reinforced. Mezoti: So don't leave anything out. Neelix: All right. But remember, I warned you. It all began several months ago, before you joined Voyager. We were exploring a dark nebula, just gathering deuterium. We had no idea what was in store for us. Neelix: But when the turbulence started getting rough, we should have seen that as an omen. Neelix: How goes the particle collecting, Commander? Tuvok: We've got enough deuterium to power the warp engines for another thousand light years. Neelix: Excellent. Tuvok: Is something wrong? Neelix: Now that you mention it, there is something that I feel compelled to share with you in my capacity as morale officer. The crew seem a little on edge. Tuvok: Oh? They don't appear particularly anxious to me. Neelix: They're very good at hiding their fears. Starfleet training. I was wondering how soon we might be leaving this nebula. Knowing could help me assure them. Tuvok: It's difficult to say. The Bussard Collectors are running at maximum, but it's a slow process. We could be here for several more days. Neelix: Days? Tuvok: Mister Neelix, are you certain it's not you who is on edge? Neelix: You know me too well, Mister Vulcan. Tuvok: I can assure you, a J class nebula is no cause for alarm. Neelix: I know it's illogical, but staring into this murky cloud for hours on end can be a little unsettling. When I was a child, an immense plasma drift passed through the Talaxian system. The stars and the moons were blotted out for months. From horizon to horizon all you could see was this enormous, menacing cloud. Ever since then I've found it a little disturbing to be in nebulas. Tuvok: Perhaps the Captain might give you permission to installl curtains. Neelix: That's an excellent idea. And I have just the right material. Janeway: Report. Kim: The nebula's beginning to destabilize. Janeway: Cause. Kim: I'm not sure. It could have something to do with the nadion emissions being produced by the Bussard Collectors. Icheb: You're not remembering correctly. Neelix: I beg your pardon? Icheb: The Bussard Collectors don't produce nadion emissions. Neelix: Well, the technical details don't matter. What's important is that Voyager's presence was destabilizing the nebula Neelix: And the crew wasn't interested in taking any chances. Chakotay: We've got eighty percent of the deuterium we wanted. Maybe we shouldn't push our luck. Janeway: Agreed. Bridge to Engineering. Torres: Go ahead. Janeway: We're suspending the dilithium intake. Torres: Acknowledged. Janeway: Tom, take us out. Paris: Aye. Neelix: But at that exact moment, in the fraction of a second before Tom could engage the engines, zap! We were hit. Mezoti: What was it? Azan: The ghost? Rebi: Shush. Let him finish. Neelix: Whatever it was, it shook the ship hard. Chakotay: An EM discharge penetrated the hull. Deck seven, section ten. Kim: Increasing power to structural integrity. Paris: We're clear. Janeway: Damage? Chakotay: Power outages on three decks. Auxiliary subprocessors are offline. No injuries reported. Janeway: Assign repair teams. Resume course. Neelix: We'd taken some minor damage, but for the most part everything was fine. Or so we thought. Neelix: What none of us knew was that a mysterious stowaway had come aboard Voyager. Mezoti: What kind of stowaway? Icheb: It was obviously a space-dwelling lifeform. Neelix: Yes, but we didn't know that, not at that point. Mezoti: Was it non-corporeal? Neelix: In a manner of speaking Rebi: Hostile? Neelix: Well, I'm getting to that. Azan: Species 5973? Neelix: Who are they? Icheb: The Borg encountered them in galactic cluster eight. They're multi-spectrum particle lifeforms. Neelix: No, that's not what this was. Mezoti: Maybe it was an inter-phasic species. Neelix: We can either debate comparative xenobiology or I can continue with the story. Now it's up to you. Icheb: Continue the story. Neelix: Somehow I thought you'd say that. Now, where was I? Oh, ah, yes. Life aboard Voyager would have been more or less back to normal if it weren't for a few strange malfunctions. Janeway: Come in. Chakotay: I've got reports from repair teams. It looks like that EM discharge did more damage than we thought. Transporter room one is out of commission, half the sonic showers are offline, and we temporarily lost artificial gravity on deck five. Janeway: Any injuries? Chakotay: Ensign Mulchaey bumped his head on the ceiling. Janeway: Ouch. This is terrible. Computer, another cup of coffee, black. Janeway: You can add replicators to your list. We're getting started on the wrong foot today, my friend. Chakotay: Captain? Janeway: I'm sorry. I was talking to Voyager. Chakotay: It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I used to have long conversations with my Maquis ship. Janeway: Really? What did you two talk about? Chakotay: Oh, I can't tell you that. Captain-starship confidentiality. Janeway: Of course. Chakotay: If the Doctor heard us he'd probably recommend counseling. Janeway: I won't tell if you won't. Chakotay: Deal. Janeway: Commander, do you see that? Chakotay: It's a meteorite cluster. I doubt it's anything to worry about. Janeway: I'd tend to agree, if it weren't the same one we passed an hour ago. Janeway: Ensign. Ensign: Yes, ma'am. Janeway: Are you conducting a survey of meteoroids, Tom? Paris: Ma'am? Janeway: Check your sensors. We're traveling in circles. Paris: Not according to my readings. Chakotay: Tuvok, run level four diagnostic on the navigational array. Tuvok: There is a malfunction in the subprocessors. It appears we're heading back the way we came. Janeway: All stop. Reinitialize your sensors. Paris: I'm telling you, we rely too much on twenty fourth century technology, Captain. You give me a window and a sextant and I guarantee I'll get you where you want to go. Tuvok: We've jumped to warp six. Janeway: Tom? Paris: Don't look at me. Janeway: Shut down the warp engines. Paris: I can't. Chakotay: Manual override. Tuvok: No response. Janeway: Bridge to Engineering. Paris: I'm reading all stop. Janeway: Lieutenant Torres, respond. Chakotay: Computer, locate B'Elanna Torres. Computer: Lieutenant Torres is in Engineering. Ensign Trumari is on deck four, section thirty. Commander Tuvok is on the bridge. Janeway: Find out what's going on. Harry, pull the speech processors if you have to, but shut that thing off. Computer: Ensign Vorik is in Engineering, level two. Neelix: Meanwhile, Commander Chakotay was headed for Engineering, or so he thought. Chakotay: Engineering. Chakotay: I bet you wouldn't try to pull this on the Captain. Have it your way. I'll walk. Neelix: The turbolift started to fall Neelix: Faster and faster! Anybody hungry? Mezoti: Neelix! Neelix: You haven't touched your snacks Mezoti: Snacks are irrelevant. Continue the story. Icheb: What happened to Commander Chakotay? Neelix: The turbolift plunged eleven decks at high speed. The g forces pinned Commander Chakotay to the ceiling. He knew that at any minute he was going to come crashing down to the bottom of the turbolift and there was nothing that he could do about it. But then the descent stabilizers reactivated. Neelix: The way B'Elanna tells it, Commander Chakotay was not very happy when he showed up in Engineering that morning. Chakotay: If I didn't know better I'd say this ship is trying to kill me. Do you have any idea what's going on? Torres: Well, I've traced the problem to a series of gel packs on deck thirteen. It looks like they were burned out by an EM discharge from the nebula. Chakotay: And those gel-packs interface with all the affected systems. Torres: I'm on my way to repair it right now. Feel like giving me a hand? Chakotay: Only if we stay out of the turbolifts. I'll tell you about it on the way. Neelix: While Chakotay and B'Elanna headed for deck thirteen, new problems were cropping up all over the ship. Seven: Crewman Celes, step away from the control panel. Celes: Did I do something wrong? Seven: You caused a power failure in Astrometrics. Celes: I did? How? Seven: That's what I'm attempting to find out. Celes: I don't see how I could have done anything. Seven: I've located the problem. It appears you inadvertently overloaded a series of EPS conduits while performing your diagnostic. Celes: But I haven't even started the diagnostic. Seven: Then what were you doing? Celes: Nothing. I just got here. Celes: I know that wasn't my fault. Chakotay: These gel packs aren't burned out. Torres: There's no trace of any EM discharge. Chakotay: Could it have dissipated this quickly? Torres: No, it moved. Chakotay: Moved? Torres: The discharge seems to be traveling through the bio-neural circuitry, jumping from system to system. Chakotay: Can you isolate it? Torres: It's in a series of gel packs that interface with the environmental controls outside Cargo Bay two. Chakotay: Let's try to get there before it jumps again. Neelix: By then Seven of Nine was in Cargo Bay two to run diagnostics but, because the comm. system was down they couldn't warn her, and she had no idea that something was in the room with her. Azan: Here? Rebi: In this cargo bay? Mezoti: Then what happened? Neelix: The creature was clinging to the circuits and bulkheads using them to move about the room. It was getting closer and closer. Seven: Seven of Nine to the bridge. Bridge, acknowledge. Neelix: But of course, there was no answer. Icheb: Why didn't she remodulate her neural transceiver and send a message that way? Neelix: That's an interesting question. You'll have to ask her. Mezoti: Stop interrupting. Neelix: Seven tried to get out but she was trapped. Rebi: What happened to Seven? Mezoti: The entity must have infiltrated her cybernetic systems and turned her against the rest of the crew. Neelix: It most certainly did not. You're letting your imagination run away with you. Rebi: What happened? Azan: Why did the light go out? Neelix: It's all right. I just have to replace the power cell. It'll only take a moment. Nothing to be frightened about. Mezoti: I'm not frightened, but Azan is. Azan: I am not. Neelix: There. Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Seven was trapped by the forcefields, but fortunately for her Neelix: Help was on the way. Chakotay: Computer, deactivate this forcefield. We'll have to cut power to the field generators. Torres: The computer's not accepting my command codes. Chakotay: Stand back. Torres: The forcefield's down. Chakotay: Let's get her to Sickbay. Neelix: Now, most of us were just going about our business oblivious to what was happening, but that was about to change. Kim: Kim to Engineering. Neelix: Neelix to the bridge. Kim: I want everyone to report to their stations until we figure out what's going on. Crewman: Aye, sir. Neelix: Er, Ensign, maybe I should come with you. The captain might need me. Kim: This is your post. You may be needed here. Neelix: Oh, of course. If you need anything, anything at all, you know where to find me. Neelix: So there I was. The only thing I could do was wait, alone. Neelix: In the dark. Neelix: Voyager was dead in space. System after system was failing, including the environmental controls. Ensign Paris told me it was hotter than the Tarkanian Desert on the bridge. Paris: Don't you ever sweat? Tuvok: Not unless the temperature reaches three hundred fifty degrees Kelvin, with a humidity factor at approximately Paris: Forget I asked. Tuvok: Very well. Janeway: I'll make you a deal, Voyager. The next M class planetoid we find, we'll set down and I'll give you a nice maintenance overhaul. What do you say? Tom, check the conn. Paris: I don't know what you did, Captain, but I've got helm control back. Janeway: Thanks, my friend. Paris: I'm going to try to get thrusters and impulse engines back online. Janeway: Tom, I'm reading an EM surge in your console. Get away from there. Janeway: Bridge to Sickbay. Medical emergency. Can we transport him? Tuvok: Transporters are offline. Janeway: Why am I not surprised. Now what? Computer: Warning, oxygen depletion in progress. Tuvok: Breathable air is being sucked out of the bridge. Janeway: Reroute emergency power to environmental controls. Tuvok: No effect. Janeway: Everyone out of here now. Neelix: In Sickbay, the Doctor had his hands full, too. Emh: You're fortunate. Another few moments and you'd have been asphyxiated. Where do you think you're going? Seven: Lieutenant Torres needs help with the repairs. Janeway: Doctor. Torres: What happened? Emh: An EM. surge. Seven had a similar experience. Seven: The environmental system converted Cargo Bay two into a micronebula. Chakotay: When Gibson and McMinn tried to vent the gas from deck seven, they were struck by a discharge, too. Janeway: Are we thinking the same thing? Chakotay: It could be an intelligence at work here. Torres: Some kind of electromagnetic lifeform that's using the environmental controls to make the ship more hospitable for itself. Janeway: And attacking anyone who tries to stop it. Emh: My matrix is destabilizing. Janeway: Transfer his program to the mobile emitter. Quickly. Computer: Warning. Power failure. Janeway: Let's get the injured out of here. Neelix: Deck by deck, section by section Neelix: The crew was losing control of Voyager. People were scattered throughout the ship with no idea what was happening. Kim: What did you do that for? Celes: Ensign, I'm so sorry! I, I thought, I thought you were a Hirogen, or a Borg. Kim: And what gave you that idea? Celes: It's dark. Your shadow. Kim: Trust me, there are no aliens roaming the corridors. Celes: You mean we haven't been boarded? Kim: It's just a power failure. Celes: Isn't that what they sometimes do? Cut the power? Kim: What who sometimes does? Celes: Hostile aliens. They might be trying to infiltrate the ship. Kim: How long has it been since you've run into anyone else? Celes: I don't know, four or five hours. I, I tried Sickbay, but it was deserted. Decks three and four are empty. I, I was on my way to the bridge. You're the first person I've seen. Kim: Well, there's no one on the bridge either. Celes: You see? Then maybe I was right. Maybe the reason we can't find anyone is because they've all been assimilated. Kim: Slow down. There was an environmental failure on the bridge. That's why it's been evacuated. I don't know what happened in Sickbay, or on decks three and four, but I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Ah ha. No one's been assimilated. Celes: Then where are they? Kim: They've probably set up a temporary command post, most likely in Engineering. That's where I'm going. Celes: Can I come with you? Kim: Of course. Celes: Ensign? Kim: What? Celes: Do you think we could stop by a weapons locker on the way? Neelix: I still had no idea what was going on. I'd been waiting in the mess hall for more than four hours in the dark, cut off from the rest of the crew. Neelix: Is somebody there? Hello? Hello? Hello? Neelix: Is somebody out there? Tom, if that's you, this isn't funny. Neelix: Argh! Stay away! Tuvok: Calm yourself, Mister Neelix. Neelix: You really shouldn't sneak up on people like that. I could have shot you. Tuvok: Your restraint is commendable. Neelix: Is there a problem with the air supply? Tuvok: An alien lifeform has seized control of Voyager's primary systems. It's flooded numerous sections with poisonous gas. Neelix: Are you saying that this alien lifeform is trying to kill us? Tuvok: Its intentions aren't clear. However, we should evacuate. Neelix: Where to? Tuvok: The Captain has established a secure command post in Engineering. Mezoti: Were you scared? Neelix: Well, considering that Engineering was eight decks down and the only way to get there was to crawl through pitch-black Jefferies tubes, it's fair to say that I was never more frightened in my life. Icheb: You shouldn't have allowed yourself to be afraid. Neelix: Is that so. Icheb: Fear distracts people from accomplishing their goals. Neelix: Well, that's true, I suppose. On the other hand, fear can sometimes be very healthy. Mezoti: Explain. Neelix: Well, it keeps you alert, keeps you from putting yourself in unnecessary danger. Mezoti: I was afraid once. Icheb: You've been afraid many times. Neelix: Icheb. Do you want to tell us about it? Mezoti: It was when we were first disconnected from the hive mind, before Seven rescued us. I couldn't hear anyone else's thoughts anymore. I felt alone. Neelix: I can understand why that was frightening. When you're scared, it helps to have someone to talk to, doesn't it? Mezoti: Yes. Neelix: Of course, in my case, the only one person I had to talk to was Commander Tuvok. Neelix: I tried passing the time with a little conversation but, as you've probably noticed, he's not exactly what you'd call chatty. Neelix: I'll bet Starfleet has specific procedures to deal with these kinds of situations. You know, something like protocol one zero zero five. In the event your starship is invaded by a hostile electromagnetic lifeform. What do you suppose that, er, that protocol might be, exactly? Tuvok: Rest assured, this crew is doing everything possible to regain control of the ship. Neelix: You're right. I'm just being silly. Tuvok: I concur. Neelix: Of course, the crew of the Salvoxia probably thought they were going to regain control of their ship, too. Did I ever tell you about the Salvoxia? Tuvok: If I say yes, will it prevent you from telling the story? Neelix: It was a Talaxian freighter. Horrible tragedy. Happened nearly a century ago. After suffering a cascade failure, it began to lose life support generators, one by one. Pretty soon, there wasn't enough air left to sustain the entire crew so they began to draw lots. Can you imagine? Draw the short straw and you suffocate? Anyway, the air continued to diminish, and they kept drawing lots. The crew got smaller and smaller as they waited for someone to rescue them, but no one ever came. The Salvoxia drifted through space for the next eighty years, until somebody finally found her. Makes me short of breath just thinking about it. Tuvok: Perhaps you should occupy your mind with pleasant thoughts before you hyperventilate. Neelix: Right. Pleasant thoughts. Pleasant thoughts. Mezoti: What did the bodies like? Neelix: I beg your pardon? Mezoti: After eighty years. Were they decomposed? Icheb: They may have been preserved by the vacuum of space. Neelix: I shouldn't have told you that story. It's too gruesome. Icheb: I wonder what the crew of the Salvoxia did for food after their emergency rations were gone? Mezoti: Maybe they ate each other. Neelix: All right, that's enough. Now, where was I? We'd made it more than halfway to Engineering Neelix: When we ran into an obstacle. Neelix: Commander! Neelix: What do we do now? Tuvok: If I can access environmental controls, I may be able to vent the gas. Neelix: Is there another way around? Tuvok: It would take several hours to reach Engineering by an alternate route. There is no guarantee we'd find a clear path. Neelix: Pleasant thoughts. Pleasant thoughts. Neelix: While we were in the Jefferies tubes Neelix: A good number of the crew had gathered in Engineering. Chakotay: Ninety seven crewmen have been accounted for. They're in secure locations throughout the ship. Kim: Neelix? Chakotay: No one's seen him. Kim: I shouldn't have ordered him to stay in the mess hall. Janeway: You were following procedure. Torres: Captain. Bad news. The lifeform's infiltrated the main computer matrix. Seven: As long as it remained in the gel pack, there was a chance to contain it. Torres: But we can't purge it from the main computer without crashing the few systems we have left. Neelix: Things were looking grim, but the captain was about to make a breakthrough that would change everything. Computer: Captain Janeway. Captain Janeway. Captain Janeway is in main Engineering. Kim: Sorry, Captain, I know it's irritating. I'll try to shut it down. Janeway: Hold on a minute. This is Captain Janeway. Respond. Computer: Authorisation code required. Janeway: Janeway pi alpha. Chakotay: Captain? Janeway: It's only a hunch, but I think this lifeform may be trying to communicate. Torres: Sounds like a comm. system malfunction to me. Janeway: I'm not so sure. The lifeform's been moving from system to system. If it's intelligent, it may be learning how to use those systems in some rudimentary way. Are you attempting to communicate? Computer: Unable to comply. Chakotay: Even if it understands what you're saying, it may not know how to respond. Janeway: B'Elanna, can you call up the comm. system's syntax subroutines? Torres: I'll try. Janeway: We're attempting to make it easier for you to speak to us. Try to access the database at engineering station three one. Computer: Database accessed. Janeway: Why have you come aboard our ship? Computer: Captain Janeway, report to Astrometrics. Janeway: Why do you want me to go there? Computer: Captain Janeway, report to Astrometrics. Janeway: I guess I'll find out soon enough. Kim: Captain, Astrometrics is flooded with nebular gas. Computer: Astrometrics life-support has been restored. Chakotay: It could be some kind of trap. This lifeform, whatever it is, has already injured at least eleven crewmen. Janeway: I can try to establish a dialogue or I can let it take over my ship. Seven, you're with me. Seven: Yes, Captain. Neelix: While Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine headed to Astrometrics, Tuvok was trying to ease my fears by guiding me through a meditation. Tuvok: Concentrate on the rhythm of your breathing. Envision your lungs filled with light. Follow it back in time to a moment when you felt no fear. A moment of happiness, serenity. Neelix: My birthday dinner. Tuvok: Describe it. Neelix: I was surrounded by all my friends. They'd gotten together to cook me dinner. They prepared all my favorites. Steamed chadre kab, terra nut soufflé. I felt loved, appreciated, safe. Mezoti: Captain Janeway served you nebular gas? Neelix: No, of course not. It was just my imagination playing tricks on me during the meditation. My head was too full of scary images for me to relax. The captain, on the other hand, seemed to be getting things under control. Computer: Review of navigational logs in progress. Janeway: Are you searching for something? Computer: Affirmative. Janeway: The nebula. Computer: Manual helm control enabled. Janeway: You're returning control of the ship? Computer: Affirmative. Janeway: You want me to take you back to the nebula? Computer: Affirmative. Janeway: Well, why didn't you just say so in the first place? Seven: Returning to the nebula is too dangerous. We'd risk invasion by other lifeforms. Janeway: I'm beginning to think this was all an accident, not an invasion. Seven: Captain? Janeway: Think about it. The EM surge didn't hit us until our Bussard Collectors destabilized the nebula, and then what happened? Seven: The ship began experiencing random malfunctions. Janeway: I'm not so sure they were random. Navigational sensors were fooling us into heading back toward the nebula and then, when Tom tried to resume course, he was attacked. This lifeform isn't trying to hurt us, it's trying to get home. Can you give us access to the bridge? Computer: Life support on the bridge has been restored. Level ten authorisation required. Seven: Level ten? Janeway: Captain's eyes only. It wants me to go alone. Neelix: The Captain and the lifeform had begun to establish a rapport, but the relationship was fragile. Janeway: Is the viewscreen functioning normally? Computer: Affirmative. Janeway: I'm sorry to tell you this, but your nebula is gone. Computer: Clarify. Janeway: The gasses must have continued to dissipate after we left. Computer: Warning, Life support failure on all decks. Abandon ship. Abandon. Neelix: Ship. Abandon ship. Mezoti: The creature was that angry? Icheb: Its home had been destroyed. Neelix: The lifeform wanted Voyager for itself, and it was going to kill anyone who remained on board. Captain Janeway's only chance of saving her crew was to try to reason with the creature. Janeway: Listen to me. I can still help you. Computer: Abandon ship. Janeway: There are other class J nebulas. I'll find you one. Computer: Unable to comply. Janeway: I'd be able to comply if you gave me access to Astrometrics. Computer: Warning, oxygen depletion in progress. Janeway: Give me back helm control. Computer: Warning, helm circuits are overloading. Computer: Abandon ship. Janeway: At least give me access to the comm. so I can warn my crew. Computer: Unable to comply. Neelix: As the captain was facing one of her worst fears, losing her ship Neelix: I was with Tuvok and about to face one of mine. Neelix: Tuvok! Lie still. I'll try to Tuvok: Mister Neelix. Proceed without me. Neelix: I'm not leaving you here. Tuvok: I am injured. Logic dictates that you take the mask and proceed to Engineering. Neelix: I don't care what logic dictates. This isn't the Salvoxia. We're not drawing lots. Tuvok: I am giving you an order. Neelix: And I'm disobeying it. You're coming with me if I have to drag you by your pointy little ears. Neelix: I had no choice. I had to control my fear. Neelix: Pleasant thoughts, pleasant thoughts. Neelix: While we made our way to Engineering, Neelix: Captain Janeway tried to make the creature reconsider what it was doing. Janeway: You're going to kill everyone on this ship. Do you understand what that means? Computer: To deprive of life. Extinguish. Janeway: Yes, and if you extinguish us, you'll be extinguishing yourself. You need this crew. Computer: Clarify. Janeway: The technology you're using needs to be maintained. Who do you think is going to do that when we are gone? Voyager's secondary systems have already begun to fail. In a few weeks, primary systems will start to go offline. Computer: Unable to confirm. Janeway: Access the internal sensors. Run a ship-wide diagnostic. See for yourself. Computer: Abandon ship. Neelix: The captain's rapport with the creature seemed to be breaking down Neelix: And she couldn't afford to wait any longer. Janeway: I need everyone's attention. We're abandoning ship. Get to the escape pods. Torres: We may not be able to eject the pods. Janeway: We'll push them out if we have to. Neelix: He needs medical attention. Kim: He'll have to wait. We're abandoning ship. Neelix: The entire crew had to evacuate. The Delta Flyer and the shuttles were launched, followed by all but one of the escape pods. Chakotay: That's everyone but the Captain and First Officer. Janeway: After you. Janeway: I did what you asked, we're abandoning ship. What more do you want? Computer: Diagnostic completed. Secondary systems are offline. Primary systems at thirty two percent. Estimated time to failure, six days thirteen hours. Janeway: That sounds about right. Computer: Captain Janeway, report to Engineering. Janeway: Like hell I will. Janeway: I won't be your prisoner. You'll have to kill me. Computer: Acknowledged. Computer: Captain Janeway, report to Engineering. Janeway: Not until you restore life-support and give me back control of my ship. Computer: Unable to comply. Janeway: Then we'll die here together. I'm guessing I've got about two more minutes and then you're on your own. Computer: Captain Janeway, report to Engineering. Janeway: I told you. The only way I'm helping is if you return control of my ship. Neelix: It looked like the creature was calling the captain's bluff. She was down to her last breath, but at the last moment Computer: Access to all systems has been restored. Neelix: It took almost two days for the crew to return to the ship. Eventually, an artificial environment was created in an isolated section of deck twelve. The creature's been living there ever since. Mezoti: I told you there was a monster on deck twelve. Icheb: Haven't you been listening? It's not a monster, it's an alien lifeform. Icheb: What was that? Mezoti: Maybe it's the alien lifeform coming to get us. Neelix: Haven't you learned anything about letting your imagination get the best of you? Neelix: There. That little jolt was probably nothing more than our friend leaving the ship to go to a new home that the captain found for him. Time to regenerate. Rebi: What if the lifeform didn't leave?. Azan: What if it wants revenge? Neelix: What if I told you I made up the whole thing? Mezoti: Naomi told me you always exaggerate. Icheb: I knew the story wasn't true, the moment you said the Bussard Collectors produced nadion emissions. Neelix: I should have known better than to try fooling the four of you. All right, in you go. Pleasant dreams. Chakotay: How are the children? Neelix: Tucked into their alcoves, safe and sound. Janeway: I hope they weren't frightened. Neelix: Oh, why would they be frightened, Captain? Janeway: They were in the dark for three hours. Neelix: Oh no, not to worry. I told them a story to pass the time. Paris: Let me guess. Mother Goose. Neelix: Certainly not. Some of those fairy tales can be frightening. Ogres and child eating monsters. Speaking of which, is everything okay? Janeway: We're just taking some final readings before we resume course. Show him, Harry. Neelix: Well, I hope it lives happily ever after.
Mac: Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives don't mix. C.H.E.E.S.E.: You can say that again Mac. Mac: Well, I couldn't have done it without you buddy. You're a genius. C.H.E.E.S.E.: Oh yeah? Well then how come I can't get my VCR to stop blinking 12:00? Joey Tribbiani: So, what did you guys think? Monica Geller: Hello? Hold on please. Joey, it's your mom. Chandler Bing: It's your mommy. It's your mommy. Ross Geller: Ohhhh... Rachel Green: That's nice. Joey Tribbiani: Mom, so what did you think? Rachel Green: Well that was umm...Okay. Ross Geller: It wasn't the best. Chandler Bing: That was one of the worse things ever. And not just on TV. Monica Geller: Wh-what are we gonna tell him? Ross Geller: Well, the lighting was okay. Rachel Green: Ohh no you don't! You got lighting last time, lighting is mine! Monica Geller: And I have costumes. Ross Geller: Oh great! That means I'm stuck with, "So, we were watching you in there and you were sittin' right here! Whoa!" Rachel Green: What are you gonna do Pheebs? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. I don't know. I can't lie to him again. Oh no I-no! I'm just gonna press my breasts up against him. Chandler Bing: And say nothing? Phoebe Buffay: Uh-huh, yeah that's right. Joey Tribbiani: Wow! Well, my folks really liked it! So what-what did you guys think? It wasn't that good. Monica Geller: Phoebe, do you think that your favorite animal says much about you? Phoebe Buffay: What? You mean behind my back? Rachel Green: Oh! Hi you guys, oh my God! You'll never gonna believe happened to me today! I am sitting in my office and... Joey Tribbiani: You guys! You guys! You're not gonna believe what my agent just told me! Rachel Green: Joey! Kinda in the middle of a story here! Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, sorry. Sorry. You finish, go. Rachel Green: Okay, so anyway I'm sittin' in my office and guess who walks in. Joey Tribbiani: I'm gonna be on two TV shows! Rachel Green: Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you weren't finished? Rachel Green: Yeah! Guess who walks into my office is the end of my story. It was Ralph Lauren! Ralph Lauren walked into my office! Joey Tribbiani: Uh Rach, if you're gonna start another story, at least let me finish mine. Rachel Green: It's the same story. Joey Tribbiani: Wow, it's really long. Rachel Green: Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that he's so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail. Monica Geller: Still get a discount on wedding dresses? Rachel Green: Yeah! Monica Geller: I'm so happy for you! Joey Tribbiani: Well, these really are the days of our lives. Monica Geller: What?! Joey Tribbiani: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives! Phoebe Buffay: Oh God! Rachel Green: I got-I get a big pay raise! Phoebe Buffay: Oh hey! Joey Tribbiani: I'll be playing Drake Remoray's twin brother, Stryker! Monica Geller: Oooh! Rachel Green: I get to hire my own assistant! Joey Tribbiani: Well-I got a head rush from standing up to fast right there. Rachel Green: And you were at this job for four years? Hilda: That's right. Rachel Green: Okay, well this is all very impressive Hilda, um I just have one last question for you. Uh, how did I do? Was this okay? Hilda: What? Rachel Green: I've never interviewed anyone before. I've actually never had anyone work for me before. Although when I was a kid, we did have a maid, but this is-this isn't the same thing. Hilda: No dear. It's not. Rachel Green: No. Yeah, and I know that. All right, well thank you so much for coming in it was nice to meet you. Hilda: Thank you! Good meeting you. Rachel Green: All right. I'm a total pro! Man: Hello? Rachel Green: Wow! H-umm! Hi! Yes, uh I'm sorry the models are actually down the hall. Man: Actually, I'm here about the assistant job. Rachel Green: Really?! Okay well then, all right, well just have a seat there. Umm, so what's-what is-what's your name? Man: Tag Jones. Rachel Green: Uh-huh, go on. Tag Jones: That's it. That's my whole name. Rachel Green: That's your whole name, okay of course it is! Okay, well let's-let's just have a look-see here. Tag Jones: I know I haven't worked in an office before, and I really don't have a lot of experience, but uh... Rachel Green: Oh come on, what are you talking about? You've got three years painting houses. Two whole summers at T.G.I. Friday's, come on! Tag Jones: It's lame, I know. But I'm a goal-oriented person, very eager to learn... Rachel Green: Okay, hold on just a second. I'm sorry, it's for human resources, everybody has to do it. Could you just stand up please? Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no. Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Anyway, I should go. Okay, bye. Monica Geller: Hey sweetie. Chandler Bing: Hi sweetie. So, what was with all the whispering? Monica Geller: I can't tell you. It's a secret. Chandler Bing: Secret? Married people aren't supposed to have secrets between one another. We have too much love and respect for one another. Monica Geller: Awww. But still no. Chandler Bing: No I'm serious, we should tell each other everything. I do not have any secrets from you. Monica Geller: Really? Okay, so why don't you tell me what happened to Ross Junior year at Disneyland? Chandler Bing: Oh no-no, I can't do that. Monica Geller: If you tell me, I'll tell you what Phoebe said. Chandler Bing: Okay. Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: So, Ross and I are going to Disneyland and we stop at this restaurant for tacos. And when I say restaurant, I mean a guy, a hibachi, and the trunk of his car. So Ross has about 10 tacos. And anyway, we're on Space Mountain and Ross starts to feel a little iffy. Monica Geller: Oh my God. He threw up? Chandler Bing: No, he visited a little town south of throw up. So what was Phoebe's secret? Monica Geller: Oh, Nancy Thompson from Phoebe's old massage place is getting fired. Chandler Bing: That's it?! I gave up my Disneyland story for that? Monica Geller: That's right! You lose sucker!! Please still marry me. Rachel Green: Chandler, you have an assistant right? Chandler Bing: Did she call? You-you told her I was sick right? Always tell her I am sick! Rachel Green: No, I-I just don't know how you decide who to hire. I mean I've got it narrowed down to two people. One of them has great references and a lot of experience and then there's this guy... Chandler Bing: What about him? Rachel Green: I love him. He's so pretty I wanna cry! I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. Phoebe Buffay: Come on you know what to do! You hire the first one! You don't hire an assistant because they're cute, you hire them because they're qualified. Rachel Green: Uh-huh. No, I hear what you're saying and-and-and that makes a lot of sense but can I just say one more thing? Look how pretty! Phoebe Buffay: Let's see. Oh my God! Oh... But no! No! You can't-you can't hire him, because that-it's not professional. Umm, this is for me yes? Thanks. Rachel Green: Okay you're right. I'll hire Hilda tomorrow. Dumb old perfect for the job Hilda! Chandler Bing: Let me see this guy. W-H-Wow! Don't show this to Monica! And don't tell her about the W-H-Wow! Terry: Hey-hey-hey Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey Terry! Terry: Good to see you again! Joey Tribbiani: It's been a while, huh? Wow, it's funny these halls look smaller then they used to. Terry: It's a different building. Joey Tribbiani: So! Stryker Remoray huh? When do you want me to start? Terry: Why don't we start right now! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Terry: Here are the audition scenes. Joey Tribbiani: Audition? I thought you were gonna offer me the part. Terry: Why would you think that? Joey Tribbiani: Well, I was Dr. Drake Remoray, Stryker's twin brother. I mean, who looks more me than me right? Terry: Everybody has to audition. Joey Tribbiani: Y'know Terry, I-I don't really need to do this. I got my own cable TV series, with a robot. Terry: I'm sorry Joey that's...that's the way it is. Joey Tribbiani: Well. I guess you think you're pretty special huh? Sittin' up here in your fancy small hall building. Makin' stars jump through hoops for ya, huh? Well y'know what? This is one star who's hoop... This is a star that the hoop-this hoop-I was Dr. Drake Remoray! Rachel Green: Hi! Tag. What are you doing here? Tag Jones: I just wanted to come by and thank you for not laughing in my face yesterday. And I noticed there aren't any plants in your office so I wanted to bring you your first... There is a plant in your office. Rachel Green: Kinda. Tag Jones: Right. So I guess I shouldn't put good at noticing stuff on my resume. Rachel Green: Oh-ohh, thank you. Tag Jones: Anyway, I'm guessing you hired somebody. Rachel Green: Well... Tag Jones: Gotcha. Thanks again for meeting with me. Rachel Green: But I hired you! Tag Jones: What? Rachel Green: Yeah! You-you got the job! You're my new assistant! Tag Jones: I am?! Rachel Green: Yeah! Tag Jones: I can't believe it! Rachel Green: Me either. Umm, all right, first thing I need you to do is go downstairs and find a women named Hilda and tell her to go home. Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: Hey! Good, you're home! Chandler Bing: Oh it's always nicer to here than, "Aw crap! You again!" Monica Geller: Hey baby. Chandler Bing: Hey. Monica Geller: I made you a surprise. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah? Monica Geller: Yeah, tacos! Ever since you told me that story I've had such a craving for them. Chandler Bing: Did you not understand the story? Ross Geller: Hey! Chandler Bing: Hey! What's up? Monica Geller: Ross! Ross Geller: Oh, nothin' much. Just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do for dinner. Chandler Bing: Huh. Ross Geller: Hey-Ooh! What's-what's that, dinner stuff? You making dinner? Chandler Bing: No! Shhh! Ross Geller: What you got over there? Tacos? Monica Geller: No! No. They're umm... They're just uh...ground beef smileys. Ross Geller: Uhh, those are tacos. Monica Geller: Excuse me Mr. Mexico. Ross Geller: Eh, either way I'll pass. I still can't eat those. What's so funny?! Monica Geller: I'm not laughing. Ross Geller: You told her! Chandler Bing: Nancy Thompson's getting fired! Ross Geller: Look, okay-okay I had food poisoning! It's not like I choose to do it! It's not like-It's not like I said, "Umm, what would make this ride more fun?!" Monica Geller: You're right. I mean I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't be laughing. I should be laying down papers for you! Ross Geller: How could you tell her?! Chandler Bing: I had too okay?! We're getting married! Married couples can't keep secrets from one another! Ross Geller: Oh really? Well I-I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler Bing: Du-ude! Monica Geller: What happened in Atlantic City?! Ross Geller: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar... Chandler Bing: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude?!" Ross Geller: And this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after awhile he-he goes over to her and uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls, and you're right, Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with...girls. Monica Geller: You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God. Chandler Bing: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy. Ross Geller: Oh Mon, I laughed so hard... Chandler Bing: Ho-ho, so hard we had to throw out your underwear again? Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. Rachel Green: Hi! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey-Ooh, how's Hilda? Is she working out? Rachel Green: Ohh, my new assistant is working out, yes. Joey Tribbiani: Was she happy you gave her the job? Rachel Green: Oh, my-my new assistant has very happy that I hired my new assistant. Joey Tribbiani: Hello? Oh hey! Can you, can you hang on a second? It's the producers over at Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. can you excuse me for a minute? Hey, funny you should call. I was just looking over next week's script. Canceled?! Like they're taking it off the air? Ohh. All right, see you Monday. We're not even shootin' them anymore?!! All right, bye! They canceled Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E! Phoebe Buffay: Sorry. Rachel Green: I'm sorry Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Why would they do that?! It was a good show right?! Chandler Bing: You wanna tell secrets?! Okay! Okay! In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers! Ross Geller: All right! All right! Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won! Chandler Bing: Ross came in forth and cried! Monica Geller: Oh my God! Ross Geller: Oh, is that funny?! Oh, you-you find that funny?! Well maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets too! Monica Geller: I-I already told him everything! You shush!! Ross Geller: Once Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewelry box she'd made. Monica Geller: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls! Ross Geller: Monica couldn't tell time 'til she was 13! Monica Geller: It's hard for some people! Chandler Bing: Of course it is. Wow-whoa! Monica Geller: Chandler one time wore my underwear to work! Chandler Bing: Hey!!! Monica Geller: Ohh, I'm sorry I couldn't think of anymore for Ross! Ross Geller: Ohh! Ohh! In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm! Chandler Bing: That was you! Ross Geller: Whatever dude, you kissed a guy. Joey Tribbiani: How could this happen to me?! Yesterday I had two TV shows! Today, I got nothin'! Rachel Green: Well wait a minute, what happened to Days of Our Lives? Joey Tribbiani: Uh, well they might be a little mad at me over there. Phoebe Buffay: What happened? Joey Tribbiani: Well maybe I got a little upset and maybe I told them where they could go. Rachel Green: Joey, why would you do that? Joey Tribbiani: Because they wanted me to audition! Phoebe Buffay: You! An actor?! That's madness! Tag Jones: Rachel Green's office. Rachel Green: Tag? Hi, who was that? Tag Jones: Nobody. I was just practicing. Rachel Green: Really? Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Tag Jones: Hi! Rachel Green's office. Phoebe Buffay: You must be Hilda. Rachel Green: Yeah, this is Tag. Tag, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, can I see you for a second? Tag Jones: Phoebe! That's a great name. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number. Rachel Green: Okay. We'll be right back. Phoebe Buffay: So you hired yourself a little treat did ya? Rachel Green: All right I know, I know how it looks Pheebs, but I'm telling you... Phoebe Buffay: But-but you know you cannot get involved with your assistant. Rachel Green: Yes, I know that. I know that. And I know that hiring him was probably not the smartest thing that I've ever done. But I'm telling you, from this moment on I swear this is strictly professional. Yes? Kathy: Hey Rachel! Rachel Green: Hi! Kathy: Cute assistant! What's his story? Is he... Rachel Green: Gay? Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Terry. Terry: Joey Tribbiani! I'm surprised your big head could fit through our small halls! I gotta go Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Wait! Terry! Wait-Look-Wait I-I... Look, I'm really sorry about before. I was an idiot thinking I'm too big to audition for you. You gotta give me another chance. Terry: I can't help you Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Wait! Terry! Please! Look, I just lost my other job. Okay? You have no idea how much I need this. Please, help me out, for old times sake. Nurse #1: This poor guy's been in a coma for five years. It's hopeless. Nurse #2: It's not hopeless! Dr. Stryker Remoray's a miracle worker. Look, here he comes. Dr. Stryker Remoray: Good morning. Drake, it's your brother Stryker. Can you hear me? The Director: And cut! Joey Tribbiani: I'm back baby! Ha-ha-ha! Monica Geller: Y'know, in my defense, umm there was no glitter on the macaroni and very little glue. Ross Geller: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me! Chandler Bing: You have no trouble telling time now right? Monica Geller: No! Chandler Bing: Quick! What time is it?! Monica Geller: I don't know! Time to kiss a guy maybe?! What are you laughing at Pampers? Chandler Bing: Y'know when I said that because we're getting married that we should share everything and not have any secrets? Monica Geller: Yeah? Chandler Bing: Yeah that was stupid. Let's not do that. Monica Geller: Ohh, absolutely. Ross Geller: And! We should keep all the stuff uh, we told each other secret from everybody else. Monica Geller: Yeah, definitely! Ross Geller: Okay, if you'll excuse me, I-I'm gonna go hang out with some people who don't know the Space Mountain story. Monica Geller: Then, I'd steer clear of Phoebe. Ross Geller: Man! Chandler Bing: Yeah, and not that you would, but I wouldn't hang out with...all the guys in my office. Rachel Green: Hi! Tag Jones: Do you have a minute? Rachel Green: Well yeah, sure, what's up? Tag Jones: I got asked out twice today when I was at lunch...by guys. Rachel Green: Oh really?! Tag Jones: Yeah. Did you tell someone that I was gay? Rachel Green: Oh, did you not want people to know that? Tag Jones: But I'm not gay. And I especially wouldn't want you to think I was gay. Rachel Green: Why's that? Tag Jones: I don't think I should say. Rachel Green: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me things. Tag Jones: Okay. Rachel Green: 'Kay. Tag Jones: Well... Rachel Green: Yeah. Tag Jones: I'd love to ask out your friend Phoebe. Rachel Green: Yeah, she's gay.
Ross Geller: Hey, what's going on? Chandler Bing: Hey. Ross Geller: I found a note on my door, "Come to Monica's quick, bring champagne and a Three Musketeers bar." Joey Tribbiani: Yeah I'll take that. Ross Geller: What's up? Chandler Bing: Monica and I are engaged. Ross Geller: Oh my God. Congratulations. Chandler Bing: Thanks. Ross Geller: Where is she? Monica Geller: I'm engaged!!!!!! I'm engaged!!!! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she's been out there for twenty minutes, I'm surprised you didn't hear her on the way over. Ross Geller: Oh, I thought it was just a kid yelling, "I'm gay! I'm gay!" Can I bring her in? Phoebe Buffay: Oh no, let her stay out there. It's sweet. Monica Geller: I'm getting married!!!! I'm gonna be a bride!!!! No, I will not shut up because I'm engaged! Ohh, big talk! Huh, why don't you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20! Chandler Bing: Okay, you get her in here. You bolt the door. I'll be in the closet. Monica Geller: Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Shhh! Okay, umm, I just wanna say that...I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit! Chandler Bing: It's okay, I want this to be your night too. To Monica. Monica Geller: Awww, come on-wait-stop it. Okay, to Monica. Chandler Bing: To Monica! Phoebe Buffay: So have you decided on a band for the wedding? Because, y'know, I'm kinda musical. Rachel Green: Yeah Pheebs, honey, she just got engaged a couple of hours ago. I doubt she's even had time to... Phoebe Buffay: Well speaking of chiming in, remember the time you burned down my apartment? Rachel Green: Yeah, you're on your own. Monica Geller: Y'know what we should do? We should all get dressed up and go to have champagne at The Plaza. Joey Tribbiani: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. What? Chandler Bing: So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986? Joey Tribbiani: You guys don't think I look 19? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, 19! We thought you said 90! Monica Geller: Okay everybody, let's go! Let's go! Rachel Green: Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, is uh the rest of my candy bar around here? Phoebe Buffay: Oh honey no, you ate it all. Joey Tribbiani: I was afraid of that. Monica Geller: Y'know what shoes would look great with this ring? Diamond shoes! You're not getting dressed. Chandler Bing: Know what I mean? Monica Geller: Yeah, but I don't think we have time. Chandler Bing: There's gonna be a wedding. You're gonna be the bride. Two hundred people are going to be looking at you in a clean white dress. Monica Geller: Let's do it! Monica Geller: Chandler! It happens to lots of guys! You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it! Chandler Bing: I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology! Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me. Phoebe Buffay: Check it out. Okay, I can play this when the guests are coming in. Okay. "First Time I Met Chandler, I Thought He Was Gay. But here I am singing on his wedding day!" Monica Geller: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay. Chandler Bing: Sure, you guys don't have this problem, you're made of wood. Hey! Rachel Green: Hey! Chandler Bing: You look great! Rachel Green: Oh, thanks. Chandler Bing: You okay over there? Rachel Green: I don't know, y'know? I feel a little umm... No, y'know what? Nevermind, I'm gonna be fine. Chandler Bing: Oh, don't worry about it I mean you probably were tired, you had a lot of champagne, it happens to everybody. Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Ross Geller: Wow! Happy Monica's night! Rachel Green: Well thank you, you too. Ross Geller: Thanks. Rachel Green: Hey, do you believe this? Do you believe they are actually getting married? Ross Geller: Well sure. But I get married all the time so... Rachel Green: Ohh... Ross Geller: You okay? Rachel Green: Yeah, I guess. I-I... I mean, do-do you think we're ever gonna have that? Ross Geller: You mean, we-you and me? Rachel Green: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no, no! We, you with someone and me with someone. Ross Geller: Oh good, you scared me for a minute. Rachel Green: Shake it off. Ross Geller: I mean-no, it's just 'cause, it's just 'cause you and I were like a nightmare. No, but there was some good times. Rachel Green: No, absolutely. Y'know like it was umm... Ross Geller: Surely you can think of something good. Rachel Green: Yeah, just give me a minute! Oh well, yes, I can think of one good thing. Ross Geller: What? Rachel Green: Well you uh, you were always really good at the uh, at the uh the stuff. Ross Geller: Yeah? I was good at the stuff huh? Rachel Green: Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, yeah, yeah, I really liked your hands. Ross Geller: My hands? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: Yeah? Rachel Green: Uh-huh. Ross Geller: Way to go guys. Y'know, you-you were really good at the stuff too. Rachel Green: Oh, I know. Hey, y'know what we never did? Oh no, not that. We uh, we never had bonus night! Ross Geller: A what? Rachel Green: Y'know, bonus night. Y'know, when two people break up but they get back together for just one night. Ross Geller: One night, just-just sex. No strings attached? Rachel Green: Yeah-yeah, we never had that, Ross Geller: No. Ross Geller: Okay, this is getting a little crazy. I mean, I'm-I'm sure it would be amazing but I...gotta say I really-really don't think it would be a good idea. Y'know? I really, really...don't. Joey Tribbiani: 'Sup? 'Sup dude? Chandler Bing: Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. Joey Tribbiani: So you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack! Playstation is whack! 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup?! Huh? Come on, am I 19 or what?! Chandler Bing: Yes, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely 19. Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, really how old?! Chandler Bing: Young! You're a man-child okay?! Now go get changed because everybody's ready and please, oh please, keep my underwear! Joey Tribbiani: Wow thanks! Chandler Bing: Joe? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Uhh, you've had a lot of sex right? Joey Tribbiani: When? Today? Some, not a lot. Chandler Bing: Well, it's just the reason that I'm asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable to-I mean I really wanted too, but I couldn't... There huh-hmm, there-there was an incident. Joey Tribbiani: Don't worry about that man, that happens. Chandler Bing: It's happened to you? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Once. Chandler Bing: Well, what'd you do? Joey Tribbiani: I did it anyway. Monica Geller: Phoebe! Come on! Let's go! Come on! Why aren't you dressed yet?! Phoebe Buffay: I'm sorry, but I just wrote the best dance song for your wedding. Check this out. Monica Geller: No, Phoebe, I'll tell you what, if you get ready now I'll let you play it at the wedding. Phoebe Buffay: Really?! Oh that's so exciting! Thank you! Thanks Mon! Oh but Mon, if you touch my guitar again I'll have to pound on you for a little bit. Monica Geller: Fair enough, now go get ready! Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: I'll get everybody else , finally we can start celebrating my- I'm sorry, uh apparently I've opened the door to the past. Ross Geller: Okay, Monica. Mon, uh what-what you just saw... Monica Geller: Can I ask you just a little question, huh? Why tonight? Rachel Green: What? Monica Geller: See, I've been waiting my whole life to be engaged, and unlike some people I'm only planning on doing this once. So, uh y'know, maybe this is selfish and I'm sorry about it, but I was kinda hoping tonight could just be about that. Rachel Green: Oh honey, but it is just about... Ross Geller: It is! It is! Monica Geller: No it's not! No! No! Now it's about you and Ross getting back together! Rachel Green: What?! Monica Geller: See yeah umm, you kinda stole my thunder! Ross Geller: Okay! Ho-ho! We did not steal your thunder because we are not getting back together! Rachel Green: Yeah. No. And you know what? Nobody even saw! Ross Geller: Yeah! Monica Geller: That's true. Rachel Green: Honey I swear it we just kissed. Ross Geller: It was just a kiss. Phoebe Buffay: You guys kissed!!!!! What does this mean?!! Are you, are you getting back together?! Can I sing at your wedding? Monica Geller: Thunder being stolen!! Rachel Green: Okay come on Phoebe, it's nothing! Monica, come on! Ross Geller: Look let's not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesn't even matter! Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! I cannot believe you guys are talking about this! The problems in the bedroom are between the man and the woman!!! All right?!! Now Chandler is doing the best he can!! Chandler Bing: I don't think that's what they were talking about Joe!! Phoebe Buffay: What a great night, Chandler can't do it, these guys kissed... Joey Tribbiani: What? Chandler Bing: What?! Joey Tribbiani: You guys kissed! Oh my-this is huge! Rachel Green: No! Ross Geller: Oh no! Rachel Green: No-no, it's really not huge. Ross Geller: And; people thinking it's huge has led Monica to believe that we are stealing her thunder. Which we are not! Monica Geller: Well, we're still talking about it, aren't we? Phoebe Buffay: Well yeah, that and Chandler's problem. Joey Tribbiani: Monica-Monica-Monica-Monica, listen-listen, listen, listen, would-would it make you feel better if we all stop talking about Ross and Rachel. Monica Geller: Yes that would be lovely. Joey Tribbiani: You got it. Okay. Now, I can pass for 19 right?! Chandler Bing: Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey Tribbiani: Really? Chandler Bing: Yes! Joey Tribbiani: Seriously? Chandler Bing: Seriously? Seriously, no! You can play your own age which is 31! Joey Tribbiani: I'm 30! Rachel Green: Joey, you are not! You're 31. Joey Tribbiani: Aww crap! Phoebe Buffay: Okay, so The Plaza! Okay, we'll get us some Mai Thai's, maybe no more for you though. Monica Geller: Y'know what? I-I think that umm, I don't feel like going to The Plaza. Phoebe Buffay: Why?! Rachel Green: Honey, Monica, this is ridiculous! Look... Monica Geller: No-no, I-I really don't want to talk about it! I don't! Especially with you. Joey Tribbiani: Psss, that is whack! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah? Okay, I think I'll play it at the wedding. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Well, I think we'll see if they actually let you play. Huh? I mean they tell you anything you want to hear like-like, "You look 19," and then they just take it away like-like, "No you don't." Phoebe Buffay: Well, I don't think Monica is gonna take this away. Joey Tribbiani: Wouldn't she? Phoebe Buffay: Would she? Joey Tribbiani: Would she? You ate my candy bar! Ross Geller: Guess who? Rachel Green: Hey. Ross Geller: Hey, I just realized we kinda let some stuff up in the air... Rachel Green: What do you think Monica mean when she said she didn't want to talk, especially with me? I mean, why not especially you and me? We were both out there kissing. Ross Geller: Still thinking about it huh? Rachel Green: Come on! Serious-ser-ser-seriously, what did she mean by that? Especially you! Ross Geller: Oh, who cares? Rachel Green: I care! Ross Geller: And so do I. Rachel Green: Y'know what, I-I have to go talk to her, would you let me just get changed? Ross Geller: Okay. Sure. Rachel Green: Am I going to let you watch me undress? Ross Geller: No! Monica Geller: I can't believe her, y'know it's just-it's so typical. Chandler Bing: Now Monica, I know you're upset, but don't forget. There is going to be a wedding, you are going to throw the bouquet, and then there's going to be a honeymoon, maybe in Paris. Monica Geller: Paris? Chandler Bing: We will take a moonlit walk on the Rue de la . Monica Geller: Keep talking. Chandler Bing: Then we will sprinkle rose pedals on the bed and make love. Not just because it's romantic, but because I can! Monica Geller: I love you! Monica Geller: Bonjour, monsieur. Chandler Bing: Okay, don't say anything, you might scare it away. Chandler Bing: It's Paris, who knows we're here! Monica Geller: Hi Pheebs, what's up? Phoebe Buffay: Okay, you said I could sing at your wedding so, I'm just gonna need a small deposit. Monica Geller: What?! Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, just some good faith money to hold the date. Chandler Bing: Pheebs, we're not giving you a deposit for our wedding! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I see. Joey Tribbiani: They break your heart, don't they? Phoebe Buffay: Y'know, I don't really their permission. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! If you wanna sing at their wedding, well you sing at their wedding! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! And if you wanna look 19, then you... You gotta do something about your eyes. Joey Tribbiani: What?! What's wrong with my eyes. Phoebe Buffay: They give you away! There's just-there's just too much wisdom in there. Just put some tea bags on there for like 15 minutes. Joey Tribbiani: And that'll get rid of my wisdom? Phoebe Buffay: Maybe just 10 minutes for you. Chandler Bing: Oh, give her the deposit! Give her the ring! I don't care! Monica Geller: Yes. Rachel Green: Monica, what did you mean before when you said you didn't want to talk to anyone, especially me? Chandler Bing: What a great apology! And you accept! Okay, bye-bye! Rachel Green: No-no, seriously-seriously, what was the especially me part about? Monica Geller: Well, let's just say it's not the first time you've stolen my thunder. Rachel Green: What?! Ross Geller: Hey, here's a thought. Rachel Green: Monica, what are you talking about? Monica Geller: My Sweet Sixteen! Remember, you went to third base with my cousin Charlie. Chandler Bing: Ahh, third base. Monica Geller: It's all everybody at the party could talk about! Rachel Green: Monica, y'know what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring! Monica Geller: We had a characturist! Rachel Green: Oh!! Phoebe Buffay: "Whenever I get married, guess who won't get to sing? Somebody named Geller! And somebody else named Bing!" Rachel Green: Monica, your Sweet Sixteen was like a million years ago. Monica Geller: And yet, here we are doing it again. Rachel Green: Ugh, Monica I don't want to steal your stupid thunder! Monica Geller: Oh please! Why else would you have made out with Ross?! Ross Geller: Got me. Rachel Green: All right, easy mimey, the moment has passed, it ain't gonna happen! Monica Geller: I just thought it would be nice if I could have just this one night! Rachel Green: I swear, I never wanted any part of your night! Monica Geller: Oh, is that why you did it the secret hallway where nobody ever goes?! Ross Geller: Uh, Rachel, I've been thinking. I don't think us getting together tonight is such a good idea. I'm calling it off. Chandler Bing: Why to save your dignity my man. Rachel Green: Monica, why? Why would I ever want to take away from your night? Monica Geller: I don't know! I don't-maybe you're feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought you'd get married first! Maybe you can't stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you! Rachel Green: Oh wow. That-y'know what? That is so unfair. Y'know what? Now I want to steal your thunder! Come on Ross, let's go have sex! Monica Geller: I can't believe you're gonna have sex on my engagement night!! Chandler Bing: Well, somebody should. Ross Geller: Look uh, if we're gonna do this... Rachel Green: We're not gonna do this, all right? She's just gonna think that we're doin' it. Ross Geller: Oh, I see, so everybody wins. Rachel Green: Who is it? Monica Geller: It's Monica, open up! Rachel Green: Okay well Ross! Stop it please! Wait a minute! Ross Geller: Oww! Rachel Green: Yeah, you like that baby? May we help you? Monica Geller: I just wanted to say that I hope you do have sex tonight and I hope that you guys get back together, but I must warn you, the night that you announce your engagement I'm going to announce that I'm pregnant! Chandler Bing: How is that ever going to happen?! Rachel Green: All right Monica, do you want to know why I was with Ross tonight?! Monica Geller: I know why! Rachel Green: No you don't know why! Monica Geller: Okay! Why?! Rachel Green: Because! Because I was sad. Monica Geller: What do you mean? Rachel Green: Look, I am so...so happy for you guys, but you getting married just reminds me of the fact that I'm not. I'm not even close. And I don't know, maybe I just wanted to make myself feel better. And I know that that's dumb, but oh my God you were so depressed when Ross got married that you slept with Chandler! Chandler Bing: I don't care, she slept with me. Rachel Green: Anyway sweetie, I am, I'm so sorry I ruined your night. Monica Geller: I'm sorry I almost made you sleep with Ross. Ross Geller: Well, I'm going to take off. Congratulations man. Chandler Bing: Thanks. Ross Geller: And uh, Rachel. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: What can I say, you missed your chance. From now on the only person who's going to enjoy these bad boys is me. Phoebe Buffay: "We thought Phoebe would leave, but she just stayed and stayed. That's right, I'm here all night, and Chandler will never get l..." Chandler Bing: Hey! Here's a dollar, consider it a deposit. Please sing at our wedding. Phoebe Buffay: Oh thank you. Chandler Bing: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: Now... "Who will perform the ceremony! Who will perform the cer-Oh-oh! All right, I'll pound on him in the morning.
Data: Captain. Doctor. I am honored by your presence, but may I suggest you attend the second concert. Crusher: Why, Data? Data: Ensign Ortiz will perform the violin part. My rendition will be less enjoyable. Picard: Oh? Data: Although I am technically proficient, according to my fellow performers, I lack soul. Crusher: Data, telling us why you're going to fail before you make the attempt is never wise. Data: But is not honesty always the preferred choice? Picard: Excessive honesty can be disastrous, particularly in a commander. Data: Indeed? Picard: Knowing your limitations is one thing. Advertising them to a crew can damage your credibility as a leader. Data: Because you will lose their confidence? Crusher: And you may begin to believe in those limitations yourself. Riker: Captain, we're receiving a message from the Sheliak Corporate. Worf: Origin point of the message confirmed, sir. It is from the Shelia star system. Riker: The Sheliak have not attempted to communicate with the Federation for a hundred and eleven years. Why are they doing it now? Picard: On screen. Sheliak: Federation creatures, there are humans on the fifth planet of Tau Cygna. This planet was ceded to the Corporate in section one hundred and thirty-three, paragraph seventy seven of the Treaty of Armens. We will begin settlement of this world in four days. Remove the humans. Picard: What the devil? Sheliak: Federation creatures, there are humans on the fifth planet Picard: Cancel message. Riker: Tau Cygna Five is in the de Laure Belt. Heavy concentrations of hyperonic radiation. Picard: Humans can't survive in that environment. Exposure to hyperonic radiation is fatal. Riker: Then the Sheliak are asking us to chase ghosts. Picard: No, Number One. The Sheliak haven't broken a century of silence to send us after phantoms. An investigation is in order. Set course for Tau Cygna Five. Worf: Captain, human life form readings from the planet. Riker: So the Sheliak weren't hallucinating. Picard: Numbers? Worf: Impossible to get an accurate reading. High levels of radiation are disrupting our sensors. Data: Hyperonic radiation also interferes with ship's transporters. They are now inoperable. Worf: So are the ship's phasers. Riker: How can humans survive down there? Crusher: They must have found a way to adapt. Milan's work with radiation sensitivity suggests it is possible. Perhaps with extensive viral therapy. Picard: Well, whoever they are, and however they survived, we've got to get them off the planet. Riker: By treaty, that world still belongs to the Sheliak. Picard: Who are within their rights to demand the removal of these trespassers. Riker: And if we don't remove them, the Sheliak will. Forcefully. Crusher: How forcefully? Riker: The Sheliak consider humans a lower life form. They would have no compunctions about exterminating the intruders. Picard: Mister Data, as you are unaffected by hyperonic radiation, I'd like you to go to the planet via shuttlecraft and commence evacuation procedures. Data: Aye, sir. Picard: Number One, any speculation on what we might find down there? Riker: My guess would be a lone survey ship. Maybe a dozen or so survivors. Haritath: I think it's some sort of shuttlecraft. Kentor: Where's it from? Haritath: Look at the markings. It must be from the Federation. Data: Greetings, gentlemen. Haritath: We saw your ship You're the first visitor we've had in Kentor: The first visitor we've ever had. Haritath: You're not human. Data: That is correct. I am an android. I am Lieutenant Commander Data of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Haritath: Our great-grandparents were citizens of the Federation. But you don't want to waste time talking to us. Kentor: You want to speak to Gosheven. We'll take you to him. Haritath: I'm sure the Federation will be very proud of us. Wait until you see all we've accomplished. Data: And who, precisely, is us? Haritath: Don't you know? Oh, no, I don't guess you would. We're descendants of the original settlers, from the colony ship Artemis. Riker: Got it. The Artemis. Launched ninety two years ago. Destination Septimus Minor. When they failed to check in, Starfleet began an extensive search. Picard: What carried the Artemis Picard: So far off course? Data: My local informant does not have that information. In the early days on Tau Cygna Five, survival was more important than history. Picard: Understood. How many are there? Data: Fifteen thousand two hundred fifty three, sir. Picard: Fifteen thousand! Riker: Three days, no transporters. We'll never get them out in time. Picard: Shuttles? Worf: Loading all the Enterprise shuttlecraft to capacity, evacuation will take four weeks, four days. Picard: We need more time. Mister Data, prepare the colonists for an evacuation. Data: Aye, sir. Picard: Get me the Sheliak. Worf: Their home world is quite distant, Captain. This will take some time. Haritath: Gosheven, look what's come. Data: Lieutenant Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. Kentor: He's an android. Gosheven: So he is. Well, now that you're here, what do you want? Data: My mission is to prepare this colony for evacuation. Gosheven: Why? Data: Because this planet belongs to the Sheliak. Gosheven: And who is this Sheliak? Data: The term is plural. The Sheliak are a non-humanoid, intelligent life form, classification R3. Gosheven: Well, this colony's been here over ninety years. We've never seen a Sheliak. I'd say that makes Tau Cygna Five our planet. Data: The original destination of the Artemis was Septimus Minor. Gosheven: The guidance system on the Artemis failed. Took them off course. Far off course. Our ancestors were lucky to find any place to land. Haritath: And when they did, the radiation started killing them. Gosheven: Hyperonic radiation took the lives of a third of the colonists before they learned they could adapt to it. Kentor: But our colony survived and prospered. Gosheven: Look around. We have brought water to the desert, built a community. Data: Your accomplishments are truly remarkable. Yet the Sheliak and the Federation have a treaty which clearly makes this planet Sheliak domain. Gosheven: Then change the treaty. Data: That may not be possible. The Sheliak wish to colonize this planet, and are unwilling to share it with humans. If you are still here when the Sheliak colony ship arrives, they will eradicate you. Haritath: They'd kill all of us? Data: They have little regard for human life. Thus, the most sensible course is to prepare a contingency plan for the evacuation of your people. Gosheven: We're not evacuating. Data: Perhaps I have not made myself clear. Gosheven: Yes, you have. Let me be equally clear. There's going to be no evacuation. You've delivered your message, so go back to your ship. I have work to do. Ard'Rian: Nice catch. Wonderful reflexes. Sorry to test you like that, but I was curious. Gosheven: Found a new toy, have we, Ardi? Ard'Rian: Toy? This is the most incredible android I've ever seen. Data: Have you seen many? Ard'Rian: Actually, no. You're the first. Gosheven: Only you would get this excited over a walking calculator. Ard'Rian: Cybernetic intelligence fascinates me. Are your neural pathways duotronic? Data: No, positronic. Ard'Rian: I didn't know that was possible! What's your memory capacity? How many operations per second? I have a million questions. Data: I'm afraid I have no time to answer a million questions. I have a mission to accomplish. I need to know more about your people, and Gosheven seems unwilling to talk to me further. Ard'Rian: I'm Ard'rian McKenzie. Perhaps I can help you. Riker: Gentlemen, we're giving you an assignment. One thing we don't want to hear is that it is impossible. Picard: I need the transporters to function despite the hyperonic radiation. Laforge: Yeah, but that's im. Yes, sir. Riker: Even if we get the Sheliak to talk, they're not likely to be accommodating. Troi: Captain, when the treaty was first negotiated the Federation sent three hundred and seventy two legal experts. What do we have? Picard: Thee and me? Worf: No response. Picard: Try them again. Boost the signal strength. Worf: Sheliak Corporate. This is the starship Enterprise. Respond please. Sheliak: Conversation is neither required nor desired. Picard: Conversation is necessary if we are to find a solution to our mutual problem. Sheliak: Our involvement in Federation illegality is not indicated. Picard: Both parties are involved, sir. Sheliak: Remove the humans from the Tau Cygna system. Three Earth days remain. Picard: Let us negotiate in good faith. Sheliak: Negotiate to what purpose? The treaty is signed. Picard: There is a thriving colony on that planet. Rather than uproot these people, may I offer a compromise? Sheliak: Denied. Picard: Why? Sheliak: The law is paramount. We are entitled. Picard: This is not a law. It is a treaty. It is designed to smooth relations between peoples. Not to act as a strait Picard: Jacket. Ard'Rian: You really think we'll have to leave Tau Cygna Five? Data: The possibility does exist, yet Gosheven seems unwilling to prepare for it. Why? Ard'Rian: Maybe because you're an android. I don't think Gosheven likes the idea of machines ordering him around. Data: I am not ordering him to do anything. I am merely trying to persuade him that his people should prepare to evacuate. Do you believe my suggested course of action should be followed? Ard'Rian: Of course. Data: In spite of the fact that I am an android? Ard'Rian: Because of that fact. I don't have any silly prejudice against computers. I like them. Not that any computer we have is half as sophisticated as you are. Data: No, I would say not. Ard'Rian: People can be selfish, irrational, stubborn, malicious, you name it. But computers don't have those failings. Data: And you conclude because of this that I am impartial. Hence, you accept my recommendations? Yet Gosheven does not. Picard: Picard to Commander Data. Data: Data here. Picard: The Sheliak won't bargain. Data: Understood, sir. Picard: I'm contacting Starfleet to arrange transport. Get those people prepared to evacuation. We may have to move quickly. Data: Aye, sir. We must speak to Gosheven immediately. Riker: Gentlemen, how's it coming? What the hell is that? Laforge: Our first attempt. Riker: Keep at it. We need those transporters. Gosheven: You see this? Do you have any idea what it is, or what it means? Data: It is water. A substance composed of two atoms of hydrogen Gosheven: It's not water. It's blood and it's sweat. It's the result of a ninety years of combined effort. This isn't a town. It's a monument to every man, woman, and child who's lived and died on Tau Cygna Five. Ard'Rian: Gosheven, you're talking nonsense. Gosheven: Am I? My grandfather is buried on that mountain. He died in a rock slide surveying the route for this aqueduct. This colony exists because of his sacrifice, and the sacrifice of thousands of others. No, we're not leaving. Data: The Sheliak will not accept humans on their planet, And they will not hesitate to use force to remove you. Gosheven: We will not be bullied off our land. Not by you, and not by the Sheliak. Ard'Rian: Stubborn and irrational. Now what do we do? Data: Are his sentiments typical of the colonists? Ard'Rian: I hope not. Data: If I can convince enough people of the necessity of leaving Ard'Rian: Don't you mean, if we can convince? Picard: Come. Riker: Yes, sir? Picard: Three weeks. Starfleet is profuse in their apologies, but it will still be three weeks until the arrival of a colony transport ship equipped with dedicated personnel shuttles. Riker: We can't wait three weeks. Picard: Then the Sheliak must agree to extend our deadline. They plan to settle Tau Cygna Five two days from now. Riker: One of their ships must already be en route. Picard: We're going to intercept that ship. Riker: The Sheliak may interpret that as a hostile act. Picard: A risk we have to take. Riker: The Enterprise is going to try to intercept the Sheliak colony ship. Your job well, you know what your job is. Data: Commander. Data: In human parlance, I do not believe I can get the job done. My training has prepared me for starship command duties. As a cultural contact I am proving to be Data: Less than exemplary. Riker: What's the situation? Data: Their leader refuses my counsel. Data: He denies the logic of my arguments and speaks of structures they have built. Riker: Then try something else. Data: I have, sir. Data: In the last three hours and eight minutes, I have spoken to fifty six colonists. Ten of those refused to believe a threat exists. Twenty two favor staying and fighting the Sheliak. Sixteen prefer negotiation or Data: Some form of passive resistance. Only eight were willing to consider evacuation. And of those eight Riker: Data, I can't help you. I don't know these people. I haven't talked to them. You have. Use that fancy Riker: Positronic brain of yours and carry out your mission. Data: Sir, if I do not succeed, how violent is the Sheliak reaction likely to be? Riker: The treaty is the only thing that prevented them from eradicating the colony the moment they discovered it. Data: Ah. Riker: Ah is right, Data. Riker: The lives of fifteen thousand people are riding on you. Riker: You'd better get innovative. Riker out. Ard'Rian: Data? We're having an effect. So many people are asking questions about the Sheliak that Gosheven has called a public meeting. Data: Is there any indication that Gosheven has changed his position? Ard'Rian: No. But a meeting will give you the chance to present your recommendations. Data: So far, my attempts at persuasion have been ineffective. Data: Why did you do that? Ard'Rian: You appeared to need it. Data: Among humans, a kiss usually serves to seal a friendship, or indicate support, attraction, affection. In this context, I must assume that your intention was to express support. Ard'Rian: You don't really understand human behavior, do you? Data: That is something of an understatement. Ard'Rian: Sometimes I don't either. androids are a lot more rational. Data: Thus far, that quality has not helped me to accomplish my mission. Ard'Rian: A rational argument isn't always enough. Maybe to be more persuasive, you need to use a little reverse psychology. Data: Elicit a desired behavior by advocating its opposite. That implies deception, does it not? Ard'Rian: A little. But if it helps us get our point across. Data: Perhaps this is a situation where excessive honesty can be detrimental. Picard: Now, are we progressing, Mister La Forge? Laforge: About like you'd expect, sir. Picard: Splendid. Splendid. Carry on. Wesley: He wants the impossible. Laforge: That's the short definition of Captain. Gosheven: You've all heard of the android Starfleet sent here, and you've been discussing why he's come. I've called this meeting to replace misinformation with cold, hard fact. Data: I wish to speak. Gosheven: No. Leave now. Data: Do you consider your position so weak that it cannot withstand debate? Haritath: Let him talk. Data: You know of the Sheliak threat. Starfleet wishes to evacuate you for your own protection. Yet Gosheven has decided otherwise. That is his right, And I will not waste time trying to reverse that decision. I admire your conviction in the face of certain defeat. Though doomed, your effort will be valiant. And when you die, you will die for land and honor. Your children will understand that they are dying for a worthy cause. Long after the battle is over, their courage will be remembered and extolled. Ard'Rian: Remembered by who? Data: Yes, that is true. There will be no one left alive to remember. Gosheven: A valiant try, android, but what a low opinion you must have of us. Data: I was simply attempting to describe your inevitable destruction in a manner that would have an emotional effect. Haritath: And he describes it pretty damned well. Gosheven: Are you ready to follow this machine? Give up without a fight? He says we're going to lose, but I think that's just his cowardice talking! Kentor: What if he's right and you're wrong? Shouldn't we consider that possibility? Gosheven: This colony exists because generations gave their lives for it. Many people died before we found a way to adapt to the radiation. And many more died bringing water to the desert. My grandfather Ard'Rian: Is buried on that mountain. Well, who'll be left to bury you? Gosheven: Have you considered what this evacuation means? Everything we have, we abandon. Everything that we have built turns into dust. Everything that we have accomplished means nothing. Well, I say no. You elected me your leader. Follow me now. I don't think our chances are as hopeless as he says. And I'm willing to stake our lives on it. Any objections? Good, because here we stand. All: Aye, We stand with you. Data: Then here you die. Haritath: Mister Data, I just want you to know that Gosheven doesn't speak for all of us. I see no reason to die needlessly. Data: And you? Kentor: I'm not sure. Gosheven's done well for us, but I'd like to hear more of what you have to say. Haritath: There are many others that feel the same way but they're very uneasy about confronting Gosheven. Ard'Rian: Get them together and we'll meet at my house. Troi: In our dealings with other non-humanoid races there has been some point of reference. Not so with the Sheliak. Picard: But we must have something in common. We communicate. Troi: Barely. They have learned several Federation languages, but theirs continues to elude us. Picard: Telepaths? Troi: Attempted and failed. Actually, the fact that any alien race communicates with another is quite remarkable. We are stranded on a planet. We have no language in common, but I want to teach you mine. S'smarith. What did I just say? Picard: Cup? Glass? Troi: Are you sure? I may have meant liquid, clear, brown, hot. We conceptualize the universe in relatively the same way. Picard: Point taken. Troi: In your talks, you must be extremely accurate. The treaty is five hundred thousand words. The length was to accommodate the Sheliak. They consider our language irrational, and demanded this level of complexity to avoid any future misunderstandings. Riker: Captain, we have the vessel carrying the Sheliak colonists on visual. Picard: On my way. So, it begins. Picard: Hailing frequencies. Worf: Open. Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. Sheliak: Your purpose, Enterprise? Picard: We desire face-to-face negotiation to settle the crisis on Tau Cygna Five. Sheliak: Meaningless. Picard: We are entitled to consultation under paragraph six hundred and fifty three subparagraph nine. Sheliak: Granted. Riker: Was that an invitation? Picard: I am taking it as such. Counselor. You have the Bridge, Number One. Riker: Helm, maintain relative position. Mister Worf, tell transporter room two to stand by. Worf: Aye, sir. Kentor: And once the Federation resettles us, we'll be left alone? Data: If you so desire. Haritath: We do. We like to do things on our own. Data: The Federation will offer as little or as much help as you dictate. Ard'Rian: Kentor, are you with us? Kentor: Yes. The question is, how do we convince Gosheven? Haritath: Why do we need to? Kentor: Because he's respected. Most people will do what he says. Ard'Rian: They respect you, too. If you take a stand, they'll fall in line. Kentor: I don't know. Gosheven's got a lot of supporters. Gosheven: Don't forget that, Kentor. I'm disappointed. I thought we'd settled this. Data: Apparently, that is not correct. Gosheven: Still stirring up trouble? Ard'Rian: Since when is talk trouble? Gosheven: It's over. Don't you get it? You had your say. You lost. Data: I appear to be reversing that defeat. Gosheven: No, you're not. You're just stubborn. Well, let me tell you something. Gosheven: So am I. Ard'Rian: Damn you, Gosheven. Haritath: You killed him? Gosheven: I've killed no one. I merely shut down a machine. That's it, everyone. It's time to go home. You'll see that I'm right. Sheliak: Advance and speak. Picard: Director, we will comply with your request to remove the colony from Tau Cygna Five, but we need time. Sheliak: The given time has elapsed. We carry the membership and we will proceed with their debarkation. Troi: The temporary presence of these humans should not interfere with your plans. Sheliak: Unacceptable. You must remove the creatures. Picard: I'm trying, but the needed ship will not be available for three weeks. Sheliak: Then you are in violation. Picard: I have admitted that. I am only asking for a little flexibility. Sheliak: Section five hundred and one, paragraph seven hundred and sixteen, subparagraph five. Unwanted lifeforms inhabiting H class worlds may be removed at the diskretion of the Sheliak Corporate. Picard: We will remove them, but you must grant us the time we require. Sheliak: You need time, Picard of the Enterprise? We will save you time. We will eradicate the human infestation. Picard: They are not vermin. They are citizens of the Federation. I will not permit this outrage! Sheliak: Intelligent converse is impossible. You do not discuss, you gibber. Picard: Between intelligent species of good will Riker: I take it the Sheliak just hung up on us again. Ard'Rian: I was afraid your neural pathways were scrambled beyond repair. Data: I am equipped with diagnostic circuits and am able to correct many malfunctions. Ard'Rian: I'm not surprised at Gosheven's behavior. But Kentor and the others, they said they were with us. I guess words don't mean very much. Data: Perhaps that is a part of our difficulty. Words are all we have been using. Humans seem to take much stronger notice of actions. I require a phaser. Ard'Rian: What's a phaser? Data: A type of weapon. Unfortunately it does not function in the presence of hyperonic radiation. I will have to be innovative. Data: Hyperonic radiation randomizes phaser beams. But I believe I can improvise a servocircuit which will compensate by continuously recollimating the output. Ard'Rian: You're using your own neural subprocessors to build a smarter phaser. Data: Essentially correct. Get word to Gosheven. Tell him I am coming to the pumping station. Tell him I am going to destroy the aqueduct. Ard'Rian: He'll try to stop you. Data: I sincerely hope so. Picard: Go to yellow alert. Shields up. Worf: Aye, sir. Picard: Mister Riker, put us nose to nose with the Sheliak ship. Any move she makes, match it. Riker: Aye, sir. Picard: Mister Worf, hailing frequency. Worf: Open. They are not responding. Picard: They don't have to answer. They just have to listen. Sheliak vessel, you will have to get past me to get at the colony on Tau Cygna Five. Worf: No response. Picard: Close channel. And get me that treaty. They've been beating us over the head with it for three days. Let's see if we can't find something in it that we can turn to our own advantage. Data: Stop. That was the stun setting. This is not. Data: I can reduce this pumping station to a pile of debris, but I trust my point is clear. I am one android with a single weapon. There are hundreds of Sheliak on the way and their weapons are far more powerful. They may not offer you a target. They can obliterate you from orbit. You will die never having seen the faces of your killers. The choice is yours. Kentor: There are other places, other challenges. Gosheven: I really was willing to stay here and die for this. Data: I know that. This is just a thing, and things can be replaced. Lives cannot. Worf: This is hopeless. Fighting would be preferable. Picard: That's it. Troi: I don't follow you, sir. Picard: Mister Worf, get me the Sheliak. Worf: Yes, sir. Coming through, sir. Picard: Pursuant to paragraph one thousand two hundred and ninety, I hereby formally request third party arbitration of our dispute. Sheliak: You have the right. Picard: Furthermore, pursuant to subsection D three, I name the Grisellas to arbitrate. Sheliak: Grisellas? Picard: Unfortunately, they are currently in their hibernation cycle, However, they will awaken in six months, at which time we can get this matter settled. Now, do you want to wait or give me my three weeks? Sheliak: Absurd. We carry the membership. We can brook no delay. Picard: Then I declare the treaty in abeyance, Sheliak: Wait! Negotiation is permiss Riker: You enjoyed that. Picard: You're damned right. Worf: Captain, they are hailing us. Worf: Sir? Picard: On screen. Sheliak: You may have your three weeks, Picard of the Enterprise. Picard: Thank you. Laforge: Captain, we can do it. We can modify the transporters. Picard: Excellent. Laforge: It'll take fifteen years, and a research team of a hundred. Picard: Mister La Forge, I believe we will postpone. Laforge: Yes, sir. Data: Lieutenant Commander Data to Enterprise. I am preparing to leave Tau Cygna Five and await rendezvous instructions. Worf: Acknowledged. Stand by. Ard'Rian: Hi. The evacuation plan is going well. When the ship arrives, we'll be ready to leave. You succeeded. Data: I could not have succeeded without your support and insight. I am grateful for your assistance. Ard'Rian: Good. Then you won't forget me. Data: I am incapable of forgetting. I will remember every detail of my visit here with perfect clarity. Ard'Rian: But nothing more? Data: I do not understand. Ard'Rian: I guess what I really want to know is, do you have any feelings for me? Data: I have no feelings of any kind. Ard'Rian: No, of course you don't. Ard'Rian: What was that for? Data: You appeared to need it. Ard'Rian: So you saw I was unhappy and did what you concluded would make me feel better. Rational to the last. Ard'Rian: Bye. Picard: Come. Welcome home, Mister Data. Well done. Data: Thank you, sir. Picard: The good doctor was kind enough to provide me with a recording of your concert. Your performance shows feeling. Data: As I have recently reminded others, sir, I have no feeling. Picard: It's hard to believe. Your playing is quite beautiful. Data: Strictly speaking, sir, it is not my playing. It is a precise imitation of the techniques of Jascha Heifetz and Trenka Bronken. Picard: Is there nothing of Data in what I'm hearing? You see, you chose the violinists. Heifetz and Bronken have radically different styles, different techniques, yet you combined them successfully. Data: I suppose I have learned to be creative, sir, when necessary. Picard: Mister Data, I look forward to your next concert.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river. Aussie: As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off. Kenny: (Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up] Aussie: I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole. Stan: Holy crap. dude! Aussie: If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now. Kyle: Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa] Aussie: I'm gonna jam my thumb in its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful! Stan: This guy rules! Kenny: (He actually killed it!) Cartman: I told you guys. Aussie: [with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching. Kyle: [to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles! Stan: Yeah! Scene Description: The four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door. Scene Description: The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns. Cartman: [with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-! Kyle: That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis! Cartman: [advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey! Kyle: Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away] Cartman: Come 'ere, crocky. Kyle: [trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA! Scene Description: The boys follow him to a hole. Stan: Dude! Kyle: [from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure disappears] HELP! [thud] Stan: Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle! Kenny: (You bastard!) Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up] Stan: Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue! Cartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off] Kyle: You guuuys! Stan: [to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down] Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there? Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle. Kyle: Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat. Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy! Stan: Can you climb back up, dude? Kyle: I don't think so. Stan: Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him. Cartman: [moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles. Scene Description: Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside. Stan: Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch. Kyle: Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap] Stan: Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up] Cartman: Screw you, hippie! Kyle: Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here. Stan: All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this? Scene Description: He walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man. Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! Kyle: Dude, it's a dude! Scene Description: Stan takes a closer look. Stan: He's like, some frozen guy. Cartman: Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here! Stan: Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends. Kyle: Wow. Cool. Stan: [to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope! Cartman: Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there. Stan: [to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away. Cartman: Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about "Greased Lightning." [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the- Stan and Kyle: [frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?! Cartman: Aww, screw you guys anyway! Stan: Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward? Kyle: Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy! Both: Hooray! Cartman: For what? Scene Description: On the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind. Stan: Where shall we bring it? Kyle: I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it. Stan: I think I'm going to name it Gorak. Kyle: No, dude! We have to name it Steve. Stan: [stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere] Kyle: It's my name, and I found him. Stan: You didn't find him, I found him. Kyle: What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was! Stan: You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out. Kyle: Kenny, who found the ice man? Kenny: (Well, I think you guys should name it Steve.) Cartman: I think we're almost there, you guys. Scene Description: City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching. Mayor McDaniels: Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say "yippee." Some people: Yippee. Tardy Man: Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands] Mayor McDaniels: All those opposed, say "nay." Other people: Nay. Tardy Man: Screw you! [punches the guy to his right] Man: Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man] Stan: Huh, excuse me? Mayor McDaniels: Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too] Kyle: But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop] Stan: I found this frozen guy in the woods today. Kyle: No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today. Mayor McDaniels: What the hell is going on here? Kyle: We came for our reward. Cartman: Yeah, like the kid with the wallet. Mayor McDaniels: [annoyed] Reward? What reward? Dr. Mephesto: [arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time. Mayor: Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off. Dr. Mephesto: Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him. Stan: Really. Kyle: Sweet. How about Steve? Dr. Mephesto: Steve it is. Stan: Wait a minute! His name is Gorak! Dr. Mephesto: Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes Larry away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available. Scene Description: The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method. Dr. Mephesto: This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away. Scene Description: The lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Officer Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door. Officer Barbrady: Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here. Reporter: What about the prehistoric ice man? Officer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.] Reporter: Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on? Dr. Mephesto: Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes. Scene Description: News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark. Reporter: Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say: Kyle: [Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with "la"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back] Reporter: The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street. Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. Dr. Mephesto: That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy. Larry: [stirs] Uuuurrr. Dr. Mephesto: Ugh? What's this? Larry: [stirs more] Mmmmm. Mayor McDaniels: Holy crap! He's alive?? Dr. Mephesto: That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him! Scene Description: Kevin hits Larry on the head with the hammer. Larry: Uugh! [Raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain] Dr. Mephesto: My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him! Mayor McDaniels: [alarmed] Well, quick, do something! Dr. Mephesto: No no, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused! Mayor McDaniels: Well, you just can't let him die. Dr. Mephesto: Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time. Larry: Uh, ughn. Dr. Mephesto: [moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak! Larry: [eyes open] Where... where am I? Reporter 1: What? Reporter 2: What's he saying? Reporter 3: Is that English? Dr. Mephesto: What? You're, you're hungry? Larry: Where am I? Dr. Mephesto: You're, you're hungry? Larry: What's goin' on? Dr. Mephesto: Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to. Larry: Huh? Dr. Mephesto: Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits Larry a couple more times, and Larry soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child. Scene Description: The boys walk along the curb on their was home. Stan: Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak. Kyle: Gorak's a gay name. Stan: No, it isn't! Kyle: Why are you being such a dick? Stan: I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick! Kyle: Nuh-uh! Officer Barbrady: [rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man. Kyle: I'll go. Stan: No, I'll go! I found him! Cartman: Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this! Officer Barbrady: All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny] Kenny: (Blue.) Officer Barbrady: B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused] Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. Larry is now sitting up. Dr. Mephesto: Steve. You- Larry: Where am I? Dr. Mephesto: Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here. Stan: Oh my God, they revived Gorak. Kyle: You bastards! Dr. Mephesto: Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying. Scene Description: He takes Stan to Larry. Stan: Uh, hi. Larry: Hi. Dr. Mephesto: [rushing] What'd he say? Stan: He said, "hi." Dr. Mephesto: Very interesting. Larry: Where am I? Dr. Mephesto: What?? Stan: He wants to know where he is. Dr. Mephesto: Tell him, tell him he's... home. Stan: You're... home. Scene Description: Larry scratches his head. Dr. Mephesto: In the year 1999. Larry: It's 1999?? Dr. Mephesto: He's been frozen for the last 32 months. Stan: Dude, you've been frozen 32 months. Dr. Mephesto: And we found you- Larry: What? Thirty-two months?! Dr. Mephesto: All right, all right, all- Larry: Aaaa! [throws over a tray] Dr. Mephesto: All right, all right, calm down. Larry: [panics] AAAAAAA! Dr. Mephesto: I think that's enough for today. [sedates him] Larry: Whoa, oh. Kyle: Good job, dude! You freaked him out! Stan: Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him. Scene Description: They face each other. Cartman looks on, between them. Kyle: Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend! Cartman: Sweet. Stan: Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend! Cartman: Killer. Kyle: Fine! [turns and walks away] Stan: Fine! [turns and walks away] Cartman: Fine. Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell. Agent: [one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto? Dr. Mephesto: The same. Agent: We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996. Dr. Mephesto: That's right. Agent: We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments. Dr. Mephesto: Oh? Where are you gents from? Agent 2: We are from the University, of... America. Dr. Mephesto: Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat. Agent: Habitat? Dr. Mephesto: [they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented. Scene Description: He turns on the light, and Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" blares from a stereo. Agent: Amazing. He looks so much like us. Scene Description: Larry sits on a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" bed, with posters of "Fargo" and "Independence Day" on the back wall. Dr. Mephesto: Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing: Scene Description: He holds up evolution of man drawing with "Steve" right before the modern man. Agent: Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative. Dr. Mephesto: How would we do that? Agent: It's easy. Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium. Dr. Mephesto: As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers. Scene Description: The boys appear on the sidewalk. Stan: He doesn't look very happy in there. Kyle: No, he sure doesn't. Stan: I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman! Kyle: Well, I was talking to Cartman, too! Cartman: Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden. Dr. Mephesto: Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. [Larry throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. [Larry goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television. Scene Description: Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him. Aussie: This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now. Dr. Mephesto: [to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous. Agent: How so? Dr. Mepehsto: He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him. Sports Reporter: And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl! Larry: What?!! Rrrowrrr! Scene Description: He throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls. Stan: [approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature. Kyle: He's my creature! Dr. Mephesto: He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him. Stan: Let him out, dude. He's scared. Agent: He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now? Kyle: But it isn't right! Agent 2: Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable. Scene Description: Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at "Steve" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man. Kenny: [notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!) Scene Description: He slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end. Stan: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle] Kyle: What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away] Scene Description: Later that night. Stan: [a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there? Larry: Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6. Stan: I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out. Larry: Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks! Scene Description: A door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears. Stan: What are you doing here? Kyle: [reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve. Stan: What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak. Kyle: His name is Steve! Stan: His name is Gorak! Larry: My name is Larry. Kyle: Steve! Stan: Gorak! Kyle: Steve! Stan: What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?! Kyle: Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man. Stan: [looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!! Kyle: Does so! Larry: Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family? Stan: I found him, I'm rescuing him! Scene Description: Kyle just opens the door. Larry: [to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves] Stan: You're a dick! Kyle: You're a dick! Stan: You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you! Kyle: You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me! Stan: Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock! Kyle: Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock? Stan: [hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3. Kyle: [hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away] Stan: I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction] Scene Description: The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen. Marilyn Manson: I just smelled your britches and they're stinky Stinky Britches Stinky Britches Larry: Arrrggh! Scene Description: He crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away. Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. Dr. Mephesto: He's gone! The ice man has broken out! Agent: No, that's impossible! How could he have? Dr. Mephesto: He must have used this... door. Scene Description: A door to the outside is open next to him. Agent: Damn it, Damn it! Dr. Mephesto: We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world! Agent: Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war- Agent 2: Sshhhh! Agent: Right. Mephesto: What? Agent 2: What? Agent: Nothing. Dr. Mephesto: No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what? Agent: [shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup! Scene Description: Mephesto just stares at him. Agent 2: Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone? Dr. Mephesto: I have no idea! Agent: We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance. Scene Description: Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door. Woman: Can I help you? Larry: Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband? Leslie: Husband? You're not my husband. Larry: Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years? Woman: I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass. Larry: That was me! Leslie: [a bit stunned] Oh. Big Man: [appears behind her] Who is it, lover? Leslie: It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about. Big Man: Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away] Larry: So you... remarried. Leslie: Yes, Lorry. Larry: Larry! Leslie: Uh, larry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on. Larry: Didn't anybody send out a search party? Leslie: We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace. Larry: Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused. Leslie: Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier] Larry: You're Leslie. Leslie: Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry. Larry: I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?] Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter. Cartman: Well, I don't see any crocs out here. Stan: Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy! Cartman: [walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch! Scene Description: He feels the two scratches on his left cheek. Stan: You suck as a best friend, Cartman! Cartman: You son of a bitch cat! Stan: [walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak! Larry: [turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again. Stan: Wow, that sucks, dude. Larry: Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over. Kyle: [rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait! Stan: What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock! Kyle: I've got something to show Steve, dick! Stan: Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick! Kyle: Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look! Larry: What is that? [drops the hose] Kyle: It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you. Scene Description: He hands him the guide to look over. Sorry: [closes it with affection] Home. Kyle: Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines! Stan: Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines! Kyle: No you don't, butthole! Scene Description: A helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking. Larry: They're coming for me! Stan: Come on! [the three run away] Cartman: Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face. Scene Description: Mephesto and his agents arrive. Dr. Mephesto: Was the ice man here? Cartman: He might have been, by crikey. Agent: We have to get him back. Well, can you do it? Aussie: [!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything! Cartman: Wow! Kick ass! Scene Description: South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in. Stan: We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please. Clerk: Des Moines? What the hell for? Kyle: We have to get our friend, Steve- Stan: My friend, Gorak! Kyle: -to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt away. Stan: No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole! Kyle: Frosty, Steve, whatever. Clerk: Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat. Scene Description: He sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall. Stan: Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock. Kyle: Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now. Larry: Okay, boys. Thanks. Scene Description: The boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around. Kyle: Okay. First one to die, loses. Stan: 'K. Kyle: Okay. [neither one moves] Stan: O-okay. Kyle: So, here we go. [puts up his fists] Stan: 'K [puts up his fists] Kyle: Go. [they lock fists and start fighting] Scene Description: The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks. Aussie: Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently. Cartman: Yeah, I think the same thing. Agent: Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab. Dr. Mephesto: He can't function out here in our time! Aussie: [rising] Calm down, calm down. Cartman: Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches. Aussie: Wait! Look! Dr. Mephesto: Is it him? Aussie: No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right! Dr. Mephesto: Does he always do this? Agent: [now cross, in a low voice] Yeah. Cartman: I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now. Scene Description: The train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting. Stan: [punched by Kyle] Ow! Kyle: [punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down] Stan: Watch my coat, dude. Kyle: Oh. Larry: [walks up] I got my ticket. Stan: Huh? [both look at Larry] Larry: I have to go to Platform B. Kyle: [blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way. Scene Description: He leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting. Aussie: [shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here. Agent: The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere. Dr. Mephesto: [to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose? Clerk: What the hell are you talking about? Dr. Mephesto: An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?! Scene Description: Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting. Larry: Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys. Stan: [panting] No problem, Gorak. Kyle: Later. Larry: You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about. Stan: Yup. Kyle: Uh huh. Larry: After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world! Stan: [panting] Right on. Kyle: Cool. Larry: Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends! Scene Description: The train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting. Dr. Mephesto: [rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?! Scene Description: Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye. Stan: His... name... is... Gorak! Kyle: His name... is Steve! Agent: The train! [it passes the water tower] Dr. Mephesto: We've got to stop it! Aussie: No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry] Agent: Let's get him! [the party gives chase] Stan and Kyle: No! [they stay behind, for a moment] Scene Description: The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train. Agent: We've gotta stop that train! Aussie: Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing] Kyle: Steve! Steve, look out! Stan: They're after you! Scene Description: Larry looks out his window. Aussie: Oh, he's a wily one! Scene Description: He looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles. Larry: Oh, poo! Kyle: Steve, look out! Scene Description: Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine. Aussie: [meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole. Larry: Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?! Agent: [reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train! Conductor: Hey, who are you? Agent: I said, stop that train! Conductor: Yes, hello. I see you. Cartman: They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey. Scene Description: Atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle. Larry: [pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win. Aussie: [reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win! Scene Description: On the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up. Conductor: [ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa! Agent: [a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off! Larry: [pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo! Aussie: Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here. Larry: [lets out a long, painful] Oohh! Scene Description: The helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on. Pilot: Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA! Scene Description: Impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined. Aussie: [thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-! Scene Description: The blades chop him up. Stan: [catching up] Where's Gorak?? Pilot: [steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen. Agent: Where's the ice man?! Dr. Mephesto: He has to be around here somewhere. Scene Description: Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter. Kyle: I can't believe he's gone. Stan: [turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter! Scene Description: They reach Mephesto and company. Kyle: Hey! Stan: He's alive! Larry: [on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines! Dr. Mephesto: No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live! Larry: I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya! Scene Description: He flies off towards the mountains. Agent: [leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden. Dr. Mephesto: [following] What?! Agent: What? Nothing! Stan: Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy. Kyle: No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him. Cartman: [still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha. Stan: [walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend. Kyle: Me too. He sucks. Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its- Cow: Moo! Scene Description: The cow sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass. Cartman: Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here. Scene Description: [End of Prehistoric Ice Man. "Stinky Britches" once again: Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches You've got stinky britches]
Picard: Captain's log, stardate 44932.3 The Enterprise is preparing to enter the Mar Oscura, an unexplored dark matter nebula. Commander Data is modifying several new photon torpedoes for an experiment designed to elicit more information about this unusual phenomenon. Data: The initial dispersal pattern should not be more than seven kilometers in diameter. Jenna? Jenna: Oh, er, six point eight kilometers. Data: That should suffice. Is there something occupying your thoughts, Jenna? You seem somewhat subdued today. Jenna: I bumped into Jeff again in the turbolift this morning. He asked me to dinner. Data: What was your response? Jenna: I told him I'd think about it. Data: As you requested, I will now remind you of the reasons you decided to end your relationship with Jeff. Jenna: I guess I asked for this. Go ahead. Data: You objected to the fact that he seemed unwilling to set aside sufficient time for you. You said he was unresponsive, that he never did the little things. You disliked the sound he made when he ate his soup. Jenna: Okay, okay. I remember. Data: This is the third time I have refreshed your memory. Do you wish to rescind our agreement? Jenna: No. No, it's for my own good. It's just so easy to forget. Hand me the sequencer. Data: Throughout history, many lovers have suffered the same difficulty. Anne Boleyn was quite distressed that Henry the Eighth preferred the company of his huntsmen over that of his wife. Jenna: Since when did you develop an interest in romantic historical figures? Data: Six weeks ago, when you and Jeff dissolved your relationship, I saw an excellent opportunity to study that aspect of human intimacy. As your friend, it is my responsibility to be supportive in times of need. Jenna: That's very sweet, Data. Data: Data to Bridge. We are ready Data: To begin the first illumination test. Riker: Acknowledged. All science stations, stand by. We're about to light up the nebula. Mister Worf? Worf: Launch bay one shows ready, Commander. Riker: Fire torpedo. Jenna: It's beautiful. Like watching fireworks when I was a little girl. O'Brien: That was wonderful. Keiko: Thank you. Miles: Really wonderful. Data: Is anything wrong? Jenna: My tempo was way off. I felt like I was rushing through the whole piece. Data: I do not believe that is so. Your rhythmic control has improved markedly. I heard no fluctuations during the performance. Jenna: Well, maybe, but I ruined the coda. I got confused with the phrasing again. I kept breathing at the wrong times. Data: The contrapuntal nature of the composition is most demanding. We will give more attention to the rhythmic patterns at our next rehearsal. However, I am quite certain the audience was oblivious to such nuances. They seemed to enjoy the performance thoroughly. Jenna: Thank you, Data. You're very generous. Keiko: Every night, Miles leaves his socks on the floor. When we got married, I made the mistake of picking them up a few times. Then I realized, if I kept it up I'd be doing it the rest of my life. So I stopped, figuring he'd get the point and do it himself. One night goes by, two, a week, ten days. By now there's a pile of socks half a meter high. O'Brien: Come on, it wasn't half a meter. Keiko: After two weeks I couldn't stand it any more. I bundled them up and put them in the cleaning processor. And I'm still doing it. O'Brien: And a very good job she does of it, too. Jenna: Keiko, you sound just like Data. He came over to my quarters the other day to give me a music lesson, and he said the funniest thing. How did you put it, about the mess? Data: I believe I observed that you seem to have an aversion to orderliness. But it was not intended as a humorous remark. Jenna: So, before we started, he gallantly offered to help me straighten up. Data: And a very good job of it I did of it, too. Picard: Report, Mister Data. Data: I am nearly finished compiling readings from our most recent illuminatory burst. Dark matter density is nearly one order of magnitude higher than in similar nebulae. Life forms here may have developed in ways never before observed. Riker: Interesting hypothesis. Are there any M-class planets we could check out? Data: Several, sir. The nearest is approximately three light hours from our present position. Picard: It's worth a look. We'll continue our survey along the way. Crusher: Let's increase the flow rate and see if that helps. Jenna: Sometimes in the summer we'd go on cookouts. Just my little brother and me, and mother. She was hopeless without a replicator. We didn't care. Data: Children often do not develop diskerning palettes until well beyond adolescence. Jenna: It's wasn't that. It's just that we felt so good being together, you know, as a family. We didn't have much of that after my father died. so those times were really special. I wish we were back there now, you and I. Data: The unidirectional nature of the time continuum makes that an unlikely possibility. Jenna: That what I love about you, Data. You make me laugh. I don't know why I keep falling for the wrong man. Why can't I fall for somebody like you. You're perfect. Data: That is not true. I have no human feelings. Jenna: But you give me so much. You spend time with me when I was lonely, you encouraged me when I'm down. No man has ever been kinder to me. Those are the things that matter. I'd better be going. With your permission, Commander. Data: Permission granted. Jenna: I don't know if you're aware of this, but you're very handsome. Jenna: I'll see you tomorrow. Guinan: Hello, Data. Would you like to try something new? It's a concoction I heard about on Prakal Two. I think it's wonderful but I need a second opinion. Data: Eighty seven percent Saurian Brandy. Targ milk and Danisian mead comprise the rest. There is an unusually high concentration of fructose compounds and monosaccharides. Guinan: Too sweet? Data, if I didn't know you better, I would say you were a little preoccupied. Data: Lieutenant D'Sora just gave me what could be considered a very passionate kiss in the torpedo bay. Guinan: Really? And? Data: I was intrigued. Jenna seemed to be displaying genuine affection for me. Guinan: Well, what do you think of her, Data? Data: I find her to be a competent officer. Highly motivated, though somewhat lacking in her understanding of the theory underlying the dilithium matrix application. Guinan: I meant personally? Data: I look forward to the time we spend together. Guinan: Well, then it seems the next move is yours. What are you going to do? Data: I do not know. I have no experience in such matters. I require advice. Guinan: Don't look at me. No, no, Data, I simply mean that I can't give you any advice here. It's not good to advise people about their first love affairs. That's kind of something they have to figure out for themselves. Data: But I am not capable of love. Guinan: Then it's going to be a very unique experience. Laforge: Data. Missing someone? I found Spot wandering through the corridor two sections away. Data: Thank you. Laforge: Forget to secure the door when you left? Data: The door sensor is programmed to recognize only humanoid forms for entry and egress. Spot could not have triggered the mechanism. Laforge: Maybe someone came in while you were away, let him out by accident. Has anything been disturbed? Data: It does not appear so. Computer, has anyone been in my quarters in the last twelve hours other than Commander La Forge and myself? Computer: Negative. Laforge: That's really strange. You know, to be on the safe side maybe I should report a possible unauthorized entry to Security. Data: Geordi, may I ask your advice in a personal matter? Laforge: Sure, Data. Data: Should I pursue a relationship with Lieutenant D'Sora? Laforge: I thought she and Jeff Arton Data: They have discontinued their association. She has made the first move in initiating a relationship with me. What should I do? Laforge: She's just coming out of a bad situation. You know, sometimes it takes people a while, Data, but then, if they jump right into another relationship, you see, that can be trouble, unless, of course, she's really ready, and then I guess it depends on whether or not you're really serious. This can be a little complicated. Listen, my advice is ask somebody else for advice. At least someone who's got more experience at giving advice. Troi: I think you should be careful. This isn't just some experiment you're running, Data. Jenna is a living, breathing person with needs and feelings that have to be considered. Data: Then you do not believe I should pursue this any further. Troi: I didn't say that. I just want you to be aware that this is unlike any other more casual relationship that you've attempted. Data: I have studied much human literature on the subject of love and romantic liaisons. There are many role models for me to emulate. Troi: Ultimately, Jenna will care for you for what you are, not what you imitate out of a book. Data: My programming may be inadequate to the task. Troi: We're all more than the sum of our parts, Data. You'll have to be more than the sum of your programming. Worf: Klingons do not pursue relationships. They conquer that which they desire. However, Lieutenant D'Sora serves under my command. If she were mistreated, I would be very displeased, sir. Data: I understand. Riker: I think you should pursue it. First of all, she's a beautiful woman. She seems to be crazy about you. Data: Jenna has clearly demonstrated how she feels about me, but I am not capable of returning those feelings. Riker: Data, when you get involved with another person, there are always risks of disappointment, of getting hurt. Data: I cannot be hurt. But she can. Riker: Jenna knows that and she has obviously decided to take the chance. Data, when it really works between two people, it's not like anything you've ever experienced. The rewards are far beyond simple friendship. Data: How far, sir? Riker: That's what I'm hoping you're going to find out. Data: Thank you, Commander. Data: Captain, I am seeking advice in how Picard: Yes, I've heard, Data, and I would be delighted to offer any advice I can on understanding women. When as I have some, I'll let you know. Second Officer's personal log, stardate 44935.6. After conferring with my colleagues regarding the nature of romantic love in general, and my own situation in particular, I have reached a decision. Jenna: They're lovely. Come in. What are they? Data: A variety of crystilia. Their fragrance is an evolutionary response to the acrid nature of the atmosphere on Telemarius Four. Jenna: You silver-tongued devil. Why don't I find a place to put these. Which won't be that easy. Ah. Data: It seems your quarters have reverted to their earlier state of disorder. Jenna: I know. I'm hopeless. There. They're beautiful, Data. It's really sweet of you. Data: Commander Riker suggested this particular flower. He said it had worked for him in the past. Jenna: You didn't talk to the entire ship about us. Data: No. In actuality, less than one percent of the Enterprise crew was involved. It was necessary to balance theory with experiential referents. Both are required for a program of this nature. Computer, decrease illumination level by one third standard lux. Jenna: This is all part of a program? Data: Yes. One which I have just created for romantic relationships. Jenna: So I'm just a small variable in one of your new computational environments? Data: You are much more than that, Jenna. I have written a subroutine specifically for you. A program within the program. I have devoted a considerable share of my internal resources to its development. Jenna: Data, that's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. Picard: Estimated time of arrival, Mister Data? Data: We will reach the class M planet in approximately eleven hours, sir. Picard: You have the Bridge, Number One. Picard: Picard to Lieutenant Worf. Worf: Yes, Captain. Picard: Would you step into my Ready room, please. And bring a tricorder with you. Worf: Aye, Captain. Worf: Captain? Picard: What do you make of this? Worf: I am puzzled, sir. Picard: So am I, Mister Worf. Worf: Captain, the only detectable bioelectric residuals are your own. You did not Picard: No. I did not. Perhaps we have a poltergeist. Worf: Sir? Picard: A mischievous spirit. Worf: Sir. Picard: Perhaps not. Worf: I cannot explain how an intruder entered this room, but I recommend we go to Red Alert. Picard: Not yet. Worf: Then I will order one of my officers to stand watch. Worf to Ensign Picard: That's alright, Mister Worf. I think, for now, circumstances warrant caution, nothing more. Worf: As you wish, Captain. Data: Enter. Jenna: I know it's a little unexpected. Data: You are correct. I did not anticipate your arrival until nineteen hundred hours. Jenna: I couldn't wait. I wanted you to have this. Data: You have often expressed dissatisfaction with the spartan nature of my quarters. Is this an attempt at embellishment? Jenna: The cat's out of the bag. Data: Spot? Jenna: No, I mean you've caught me in the act. I'm just trying to brighten things up around here. It's Tyrinean. What do you think? Data: Its line is both fluid and formal, yet retains an unpremeditated quality. The tactility of its surface embellishment is evocative of the neo-primitive period in Tyrinean blade carving. Jenna: I hadn't thought of it that way. I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt. Data: As you wish. Jenna: Data? Data: Yes? Jenna: The Book of Love, chapter four, paragraph seventeen: When your girlfriend arrives with a gift, stop whatever it is you're doing, and give her your undivided attention. Data: I should not have resumed my painting? Jenna: No. Data: Despite your suggestion that I continue? Jenna: Exactly. Data: I have much to learn. Jenna: Why don't we start with this. A critical analysis isn't necessarily the best response to a gift. Data: Perhaps if I looked for a suitable place to display it? Jenna: Much better. Data: The ambient light in this location accentuates its contours. However, a gift should not necessarily be placed according to esthetic criteria. A more central location will carry added meaning. Jenna: Data, what's important is that you're trying. You don't know how much that means to me. Why don't you go back to your painting? Oh, I really mean it this time. I'll see you tonight. Riker: Riker to Captain Picard. I think you'd better come out here, sir. Picard: Acknowledged. Riker: We've reached the designated coordinates, but the M-class planet, it's gone. Picard: Are you sure there was no malfunction in the sensors? Data: The lateral EM scanners register radiation levels indicative of a class-M planet. Sir. Picard: Mister Data, run a full systems diagnostic. Computer: Warning. Atmospheric decompression in Bridge Observation Lounge. Environmental compensation sequence has been initiated. Worf: I am not registering a hull breach. Picard: Scan for lifeforms. Worf: None, sir. Data: Captain. Standard air pressure has been reestablished in the Observation lounge. Picard: Let's have a look. Mister Data? Worf: Captain. Worf: I do not understand. Riker: Are you picking anything up, Data? Data: I detect no unusual readings along standard parameters. Curious. The transparent aluminum alloy of this window is exhibiting a pattern of transient electrical currents. Picard: Explanation? Data: I have none. The rate is characteristic of a subspace distortion, but I am picking up no evidence of a subspace field. Picard: We'll hold position while we seek an explanation for these anomalies. Let's divert all our resources to that end. Data: Honey? I'm home. Jenna: Hi. Data: Hi. Jenna: Any luck with your diagnostic? Data: Negative. We found no malfunctions. Jenna: We did a full security sweep. Nothing. Data: May I get you a drink, dear? Jenna: Well, yes. I'll have a Calaman Sherry. Data: Excellent choice. I'll join you. Computer, two Calaman sherries. Would you care for some dinner as well? Jenna: I'm too tired to think about what I want. Maybe later. Data: Whatever you wish, dear. There we are. Data: Darling, you remain as esthetically pleasing as the first day we met. I believe I am the most fortunate sentient in this sector of the galaxy. Now, you relax. Put your feet up and I will take care of everything. Data: I could organize your closets for you. I have found that by grouping apparel first by function, and then by color from light to dark, one can more easily find one's desired choice. Jenna: Data, that's all right. You don't have to do that. Data: But I am happy to do it. Jenna: Please, just put them down. Data: What do you wish me to do, dear? Am I not paying enough attention to you? Jenna: Oh, no, that's not it. Data: Perhaps I am not giving you enough compliments? Your hair is looking particularly silky tonight. Jenna: Data, there's just something strange about the way you're acting. Data: Am I not behaving as a solicitous mate? Jenna: Well, yes, but. Data: Tending to your every need? Jenna: What's wrong with you tonight? Data: My most recent self-diagnostic revealed no malfunctions. Perhaps there is something wrong with you. Jenna: I've never seen you behave so foolishly. Why are you doing this? Data: You don't tell me how to behave. You're not my mother. Jenna: What? Data: You are not my mother. That is the appropriate response for your statement that I am behaving foolishly. Jenna: Data, I think you should just leave. Data: You do not wish to continue our lovers quarrel? Jenna: Is that what this is? Data: In my study of interpersonal dynamics, I have found that conflict followed by emotional release often strengthens the connection between two people. Jenna: But there's something so forced and artificial about the way you're doing it, Data. It's just not the real you. Data: With regard to romantic relationships, there is no real me. I am drawing upon various cultural and literary sources to help define my role. Jenna: Kiss me. Jenna: What were you just thinking? Data: In that particular moment, I was reconfiguring the warp field parameters, analyzing the collected works of Charles Dickens, calculating the maximum pressure I could safely apply to your lips, considering a new food supplement for Spot. Jenna: I'm glad I was in there somewhere. Riker: A complete sensor scan of the planet and three survey probes turned up no surprises. No signs of life, nothing out of the ordinary. Worf: Seven more unusual incidents have been reported. No casualties or damage. Data: We can only state that a subspace effect seems to exist within this nebula. After I have made further analysis, I may be able to adjust the ship's sensors to locate and identify the anomaly. Riker: The ship is at risk as long as we're sitting here. We could continue the investigation outside the nebula. Picard: Agreed. Ensign McKnight, plot the most direct course, ahead warp one. Mcknight: Aye, air. Picard: Engage. Data: Captain. Worf: Captain! Explosive decompression on deck thirty seven. Riker: Bridge to La Forge. Damage report. Laforge: We're showing damage between decks. We haven't localized it yet. Laforge: Thorne, are you all right? Thorne: Yes, sir. Laforge: La Forge to Bridge. A cryogenic control conduit just blew out on us. Laforge: I almost lost a man. Picard: Ensign, full stop. Mcknight: Aye, sir. Laforge: La Forge to Bridge Picard: Go ahead, Commander. Laforge: I think we have some structural damage between decks thirty six and thirty seven. I'd better go check it out. Laforge: Van Mayter, you take access tube twenty three M and look at the bridge connectors. Thorne, I'll cover the aft section. You go down Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. This series of unexplained events has now resulted in the death of a crewmember, but it appears that Mister Data may have an explanation. Data: During the last occurrence, I was able to confirm one of my hypotheses. The unusual preponderance of dark matter in this nebula is causing small gaps in the fabric of normal space. As the Enterprise moves through this nebula, it is colliding with these deformations. Laforge: So every time we hit one, part of the ship momentarily phases out of normal space. Data: Or when one of them hits us. My readings suggest that the deformations themselves are in motion. Riker: It's a good thing one of these pockets didn't pass through a photon torpedo casing or the matter-antimatter containment pods. Picard: The question is, how do we get out? Mister Data, could you reconfigure the sensors to detect these anomalies? Data: Yes, sir, but only at extremely close range. Even at minimal speed, it would be almost impossible to maneuver the Enterprise quickly enough to avoid them. Worf: A shuttlecraft is more maneuverable. Riker: He's right. If we could position the shuttlecraft far enough in front of the Enterprise, it could detect the pockets and allow us enough time to maneuver out of the way. Laforge: We could give the shuttle control of our navigational systems. That way, the corresponding maneuvers would be virtually instantaneous. Picard: Make it so. Riker: I'll do my pre-flight once I'm on board. Picard: Not this time, Will. I want you on the Bridge. Riker: Sir? Picard: I'm going to pilot the shuttle. Riker: Captain, it's my duty as First Officer to safeguard the lives on this ship, including yours. The Enterprise can't afford to lose you, sir. Certainly not in this situation. Picard: I believe our best chance of escaping this situation is for me to pilot the shuttle. It's my ship, Will. I've got to do this. Riker: Sir. Picard: Shuttle three to Enterprise. Telemetry link enabled. Data: Ship's computer is accepting navigational inputs from the shuttle. Picard: Forward sensors are online. Ensign McKnight, plot a course for the shortest distance out of the nebula. Mcknight: Plot laid in, sir. Mcknight: Outer perimeter at thirty two million kilometers. Picard: Point one impulse, Number One. Riker: Acknowledged, Captain. We're right behind you. Riker to O'Brien, lock on to the Captain's communicator. Riker: I want to be able to pull him out of there in case we have to. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Picard: Changing course new heading two nine nine mark zero two nine. Data: Main coupling is matching navigational inputs, Captain. Mcknight: New heading confirmed. Picard: I missed it by less than a thousand meters, Enterprise. Advise your status. Worf: Sensors indicate deformation passing five hundred meters off the starboard bow. Riker: One down, Captain Picard: Resuming previous course. Mcknight: Confirmed. Outer perimeter now at thirty point one million kilometers. Picard: Changing course. Heading zero seven three, mark two eight eight. Picard: New heading. two eight four mark zero one three. Picard: Enterprise, I'm losing maneuverability. Laforge: Sensors indicate Laforge: Damage to the shuttle's starboard impulse nacelle, Captain. Picard: I'm re-routing the secondary deuterium supply. Switching to manual control. Data: Transceiver signal is down forty two percent. Navigational inputs are not registering. Riker: We've lost our link, Captain. Picard: You'll have to make course changes manually until we re-establish the connection. Riker: Understood. Mister Data, get us back online. Geordi, try boosting the power to the LU bands. McKnight, increase the distance between the Enterprise and the shuttle. We're going to need some more room to make manual adjustments. Picard: New heading two nine nine mark one eight. Mcknight: Yes, sir, I've got it. Course corrected. Picard: Enterprise, hard starboard! Mcknight: Aye, sir. Worf: Deformation impact on deck fifteen, science section. Riker: Damage? Worf: Reports coming in. Minimal damage. Picard: Mister La Forge, I am still having difficulty controlling the shuttlecraft. Laforge: Aye, sir. Laforge: Your krellide storage cells are losing their charge. Maintaining manual control is going to become increasingly difficult. Picard: Estimated distance to the nebula's perimeter? Data: Four point seven million kilometers, sir. Picard: Is there a way to transfer the microfusion thrusters so I can get a power boost? Data: Possibly. If you augment the thruster sequencing so that the inertial dampening fields Picard: Bearing two seven, make that two eight five, mark two five five! Data: Commander, the shuttle is out of control. Riker: Mister O'Brien do you have the Captain's signal? O'Brien: I'm having trouble locking on, sir. Data: Sir, the shuttle's inertial dampeners have failed. It is breaking up. Riker: Let's get him out of there. Picard: Now would be a good time, Mister O'Brien. Riker: Did we get him back? O'Brien: Aye, sir, we got him. Picard: I'm a little dizzy, Number One, but none the worse. I'm on my way. Riker: Acknowledged, sir. Data: Commander, we are nearing the perimeter. One million kilometers away. Riker: All right, let's make a run for it. Mcknight: Aye, sir. Riker: We're clear of the nebula, sir. Picard: Ensign, plot a course for Starbase two sixty, warp two. Mcknight: Aye, sir. Picard: Engage. Data: Enter. Jenna: Hi. Data: Hi. Jenna: The place looks great. Data: Thank you. It is much less Spartan, is it not? Jenna: Much less. It looks great, it really does. It looks great. Data: Jenna, you are repeating yourself. I have often found this to be indicative of mental distraction. Is that a correct assumption in this instance? Jenna: I'm afraid it is. Data: Then perhaps we should begin our meal. Among humans, a low serum glucose level is often responsible for Jenna: Data, I think we should talk. Could you sit down? I'm not sure how to begin. Data: What is the subject? Jenna: You and I. Our relationship. Data: Yes? Jenna: Data, sometimes people blindly make the same mistake again and again. Data: Are you currently experiencing this phenomenon? Jenna: I didn't see it until today. I got out of a relationship with an unemotional man, and I got right back into another, with a man who is absolutely incapable of emotion. Data: There does appear to be a recurring motif. Jenna: You were so kind and attentive. I thought that would be enough. Data: It is not? Jenna: No, it's not. Because as close as we are, I don't really matter to you. Not really. Nothing I can say or do will ever make you happy or sad, or touch you in any way. Data: That is a valid projection. It is apparent that my reach has exceeded my grasp in this particular area. I am perhaps not nearly so human as I aspire to become. If you are ready to eat, I will bring our meal. Jenna: No, that's alright, Data. I'd better go now. Data: As you wish. Jenna. Are we no longer a couple? Jenna: No, we're not. Data: Then I will delete the appropriate program. Jenna: I'll see you later. Data: Hello, Spot.
[Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] Jerry: (To Elaine) Let me ask you a question. Elaine: Mm-hm. Jerry: You're a hostage, captured by terrorists- Elaine: (Smiling, chewing) Who, me? Jerry: You, anybody - whatever. You're in the little room, you're chained to the floor, you're there for a long time.. do you think they would ever consider doing the laundry? Elaine: (Matter-of-factly) They have to, it's in the Geneva Convention. Kramer: (Imitating a Turkish terrorist) You! Take off your socks, your pants, your underwear. We're doing the wash. C'mon! Take it off, take it off! Kramer: Hey, Georgie. Jerry And Elaine: Hi. Jerry: (To George) What's the matter? George: (Slowly shakes his head) My mother caught me. Jerry: "Caught" you? Doing what? George: You know. (All three give him blank stares) I was alone.. Elaine: (Making a face of surprise) You mean..?! George: (Nods) Uh-huh. Kramer: (Laughing) She caught you? Jerry: Where? George: (Not really wanting to embellish) ..I stopped by the house to drop the car off, and I went inside for a few minutes.. Nobody was there - they're supposed to be working. (Jerry and Elaine look at each other - enjoying the story) My mother had a Glamour magazine, I started leafing through it.. Jerry: "Glamour"? George: ..So, one thing lead to another.. Jerry: So, what did she do? George: First she screams, "George, what are you doing?! My God!" And it looked like she was gonna faint - she started clutching the wall, trying to hang onto it. Krmaer: (Reflecting on the story so far) Man.. George: I didn't know whether to try and keep her from falling, or zip up. Jerry: What did you do? George: I zipped up! Elaine: (Wide-eyed) So, she fell? George: Yeah. (Noticing this makes him out to be the bad kid, he gets defensive) Well, I couldn't run over there the way I was! Elaine: No, I guess you couldn't have.. Jerry: (In the middle of Elaine's sentence, smiling) No, I wouldn't think so. Elaine: (Finishing it off) ..done that. George: So, she fell, and then she started screaming, "My back! My back!" So, I picked her up and took her to the hospital. Elaine: (Between chuckles) How is she? George: (Somewhat angered) She's in traction. Elaine: (Still laughing) Ok, I'm sorry. George: It's not funny, Elaine. Elaine: (Stifling her laughter) I know. I'm sorry. I'm serious. George: Her back went out. She's gotta be there for a couple of days. All she said on the way over in the car was, "Why, George, why?!".. I said, "Because it's there!" Jerry: "Glamour"? George: (Vowing) Well, I'll tell you this, though - I am never doing.. that , again. Elaine: What, you mean, in your mother's house, or all together? George: (Definite) All together. Elaine: Oh, gimme a break.. Jerry: (Skeptical) Ohhh yeah.. right. Kramer: Oh, like you're gonna stop? Jerry And Elaine: C'mon.. George: You don't think I can? Jerry: No chance. George: (Daring) You think you could? Jerry: Well, I know I could hold out longer than you. George: Care to make it interesting? Jerry: Sure, how much? George: A hundred dollars. Jerry: (Pointing) You're on. Kramer: (Butting in) Wait a second, wait a second. Count me in on this. (Clicks his tongue) Jerry: You? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: You'll be out before we get the check. Elaine: (Smiling) I want to be in on this, too. George And Jerry: (Rejecting) Ohh, no. No, no, no.. Elaine: Why? Jerry: (Showing difference) It's apples and oranges.. Elaine: What? Why? (More 'no, no, no's from Jerry and George. Persistent) Why? Jerry: Because you're a woman! Elaine: So what? Jerry: It's easier for a woman not to do it than a man. Elaine: (Sarcastic) Oh. Jerry: We have to do it. It's part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh.. shaving. Elaine: Oh, that is such bologna. I shave my legs. Kramer: (Making a point) Not everyday. George: Alright, look, you want to be in? Elaine: Yeah! George: You gotta give us odds. At least two to one - you gotta put up two-hundred dollars. Kramer: No, a thousand! Elaine: No, I'll - I'll put up one-fifty. George: Alright, you're in for one-fifty. Jerry: (Nodding) Okay, one-fifty. George: Alright, now, how are we gonna monitor this thing? Jerry: Well, obviously, we all know each other very well, (Elaine slightly laughs) I'm sure that we'll all feel comfortable within the confines of the honor system. Kramer: Alright. (Holds out his pinkie at the center of the table) [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: (Stern) No, ma, I'm not gonna see a psychiatrist. N- I don't care if you do pay for it! No! Discussion over. Yeah, alright, I'll see you later. Yes, of course I'm gonna come by. Alright. (Hangs up, slamming it down on the coffee table. He sits down next to Jerry) My mother wants me to see a psychiatrist now. Why?! Because she caught me? (Scoffs, shaking his head) You know, if everyone who did that had to go see a psychiatrist.. (Laughing, he snorts) Jerry: (Waits for the rest of the sentence) ..Yeah? George: (Defensively) Whatever. Jerry: How is she? George: (Shrugging it off) She'll be fine. I gotta go to the hospital to see her tonight. Jerry: (Answering to the intercom) Yeah? Elaine: It's me. Jerry: Come on up. (Lets her in by unlocking the front door) George: Hey, what are you doing tonight? Jerry: (Opens his door slightly for Elaine) Dating Marla. George: Oh, the virgin? Jerry: Yeah. George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest? Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead. Kramer: Hey, look at this, c'mere. There's a naked woman across the street. Jerry: Where? Kramer: Second floor from the top. (Pointing) See the window on the left? George: (In awe) Wow! Jerry: (Also amazed) Who walks around the house like that?! George: (Suggesting) Maybe she's a nudist. You know, those nudist colony people.. Kramer: ..Yeah.. (Pause) yeah.. (Slowly stands up, and walks out Jerry's apartment - leaving Jerry and George with the view, he shuts the door behind him) Jerry: Hey, let me ask you a question. In these nudist colonies, do they eat naked in the dining room? George: I would imagine it's all naked. Jerry: What about the chamber maids? Are they naked, too? George: (Still focused on the nudist) They're naked, the gardeners naked.. the bellhops. (Jerry makes a noise of astonishment) One big nude-a-rama. Elaine: Hey. Jerry And George: (Only turning back for a second) Hey. Elaine: Well, (Smiling) where's my money? Who caved? Jerry: (Over his shoulder) Not me. George: (Also, over his shoulder) Not me. Elaine: What're you looking at? Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street. Elaine: (Smiling, chuckling) This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. (Moving on to a new topic) So, my fried, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight. Jerry: (Commenting) Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back. Elaine: (Realizes Jerry and George aren't paying attention) So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars. Jerry: (Still staring at the woman) Uh-huh. George: Have a good time. Kramer: (Declaring) I'm out! Elaine: What?! Kramer: Yeah, I'm out - I'm out of the contest. George: You're out?! Kramer: Yeah, yeah.. (Notes their reactions) what? Elaine: Well, that was fast! Jerry: Well, it was that woman across the street. (To Jerry) You know, you better be careful, buddy. She's gonna get you next. (Walks out, shutting the door behind him) Elaine: ..And then there were three. [Setting: Hospital room] Estelle: I don't understand you. I really don't. You have nothing better to do at three o' clock in the afternoon? I go out for a quart of milk, I come home, and find my son treating his body like it was an amusement park! George: (Stern, trying to shut her up) Ma. Estelle: Don't give me "Ma". It's a good thing I didn't hit the table. I could of cracked my head open. George: Ma, people can hear you. Estelle: (Heavy in sarcasm) Too bad you can't do that for a living. You'd be very successful at it. You could sell out Madison Square Garden. Thousands of people could watch you! You could be a big star! George: (Getting up) Alright, Ma, that's enough! Estelle: I want you to go see a psychiatrist. George: No! I am not going to see a psychiatrist! Estelle: Why? Why not?! Why won't you go? George: (Like a kid) Because I don't want to. Estelle: I want you to go see somebody. George: Well, I am not going. Estelle: It's a good thing your father's in Chicago. Shelly: Hello, Aunt Estelle. Look at you - how did this happen? George: (Snapping) Is that important, really? What is this, a police investigation? The woman's been through enough. She has to relive the experience now?! Nurse: Hi, Denise. Six-thirty, time for your sponge bath. Denise: Mmm.. is it six-thirty already? I fell asleep. Shelly: (Seems not to notice what's going on beyond the divider) So, George, what are you doing now? I hear you got some kinda television, writing - thing? George: (Slowly backing away, he's not at all committed to the conversation) Yeah.. television. Nurse: Let me help you out with that. Here, just slip it over your head.. Denise: Oh.. thank you. Shelly: (Nodding) Well, it's about time. We thought you were gonna wind up on the street. (As the bath is going on, George is now completely mesmerized) What is it you're doing, exactly? Estelle: George, you're cousin, Shelly, is talking to you! [Setting: New York Health Club] Joyce: So, when was the last time you took a class? Elaine: Oh, it's been a while. Joyce: (Overly excited) Are you psyched? Elaine: (Fake excitement) Yeah. yeah, I'm really.. psyched. Joyce: Well, you're gonna thank me for getting you in here. Elaine: Why is that? Joyce: (Pointing, she directs Elaine's attention off-camera) See the guy with the dark hair and the red shorts? Elaine: (Between breaths) Oh, my God. (Joyce nods) John F. Kennedy Junior's here! Joyce: He's gonna be in your class today. Elaine: (Still unable to speak right) In my class? John Kennedy's gonna be in my class?! Joyce: I can get you a spot right behind him. He has got a great butt. Elaine: Yeah. Butt. Butt. Great butt. John-John's butt. [Setting: Jerry's car] Marla: Let's slow it down a little. Jerry: "Slow it down"? Marla: Well, (Reminding him of her virginity) You know.. Jerry: Ah, yeah.. I know. Marla: You're okay with that, right? Jerry: Yeah, yeah.. of course. What, do you think I care about the sex? What kind of person do you think I am? That doesn't mean anything to me. (Faint) I don't care about that. Marla: So, I'll see you Saturday night, then? Jerry: (Smiling, nodding) Sure, Saturday night. Marla: Alright, then. Good night. Jerry: Goodnight. (She gets out. Jerry leans forward, adding) Not just a good night - a great night. (She shuts the door, he waves) [Setting: Jerry's bedroom] [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Kramer: (Singing) Goood Moorrrnninng! Jerry: (Out of it) Yeah, good morning. Kramer: Ha, ha! Nothing like some good solid sack time. (Turns toward Jerry's window) Jerry: She's not there. She's doin' her wash. Kramer: (Turning back to Jerry) Oh. So, did you make it through the night? Jerry: (Over the top) Yes, I'm proud to say I did! Kramer: So, you're still master of your domain. Jerry: (Nodding) Yes. Yes I am. (Kramer chuckles) Master of my domain. But I will tell you this I am going over to (Gestures to the nudist) her apartment, and I'm tellin' her to put those shades down! Kramer: Woah, woah, woah. What-what did you just say? Jerry: I can't take it anymore! She's driving me crazy! I can't sleep, I can't leave the house, and I' here, I'm climbin' the walls. Meanwhile, I'm dating a virgin, I'm in this contest - something's gotta give! Kramer: Do you hear what you're saying?! Can you hear it?! (Jerry puts on his coat) This is a beautiful woman walking around naked, and you want to tell her to stop?! That's the dumbest thing I ever heard! I mean, think comprehens- I'm not gonna let you do it. Jerry: (Persistent) Well, I'm doin' it, get out of my way. Kramer: (Stopping him) No, no, no, no. You can't! You can't! This is something that comes about once in a lifetime! When we were boys, looking through our bedroom windows, we would think "Why can't there be a woman out there, taking her clothes off?" And now that wish's come true, and you want to (Makes a noise) throw it away?! Jerry: Look, I'm sorry- Kramer: No, I'm not gonna let you do it, Jerry. Jerry: Kramer, (Trying to pass him) get outta my way! Kramer: (Frantic) No, no, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! For my sake! God knows I don't ask you for much! (Pleading) Now, come on. Please, Jerry. Please! I'm beggin' ya! Please! (Claps hands) Come on! Please! Jerry: Alright.. (Takes his coat off) Kramer: Yes! Jerry: ..Alright. Kramer: (Moving to the window) Thank you, thank you, thank you. (Sits in Jerry's chair, looking out the window) Jerry: She's not there! Kramer: Oh, I can wait.. [Setting: Monk's Coffee shop] Jerry: So the nurse was giving her a sponge bath? George: Every night at six-thirty. The nurse was gorgeous.. then I got a look at the patient.. (Laughs, then snorts) I was going nuts. Jerry: Oh, man. Well, I guess you'll be going back to that hospital. George: (Fake sympathy) Well, my mother, Jerry.. Jerry: (Pointing) But are you still master of your domain? George: (Arms out) I am king of the county. You? Jerry: Lord of the manor. Elaine: John F. Kennedy Jun-ya! Jerry: What? Elaine: (Smiling) He was in my aerobics class. Jerry: Really? Did you talk to him? Elaine: No, you don't understand - he was working out right in front of me. So, listen, after the class was over, I timed my walk to the door so we'd get there at the exact same moment, and he says to me, (Thinking the world of what he said) "Quite a workout." George: "Quite a workout"? What did you say? Elaine: (Smiling, proud) I said, "yeah." Jerry: (Adding, fake praise) Good one. Elaine: So then, listen, listen. So then, I showered and I dressed, and I saw him again, on the way out. (Giddy and nearly out of breath) So we're walkin' and talkin', and he asked me my name - and I think I said Elaine - but, I mean, who the hell knows.. And so then, he says to me "Do you wanna split a cab uptown?" And I said, "Sure" - even though I was going downtown. So, we get in the cab, and I mean, I have no idea where I'm goin', right? But this is John F. Kennedy Junior we're talkin' about! (Deep breath) So, then, he says to me, "Where do you live?" And I - and I - and I was close to your block, so I said your building. So he dropped me off in front, (Laughs) and I had to take a cab all the way back downtown to my house.. (Picks up a glass of cold water and presses it up to her forehead to cool her off) Oh, God.. Jerry: But the question is, are you still master of your domain? Elaine: (Sets the glass down) I'm queen of the castle. (Pops a piece of food into her mouth) [Setting: Estelle's hospital room] Estelle: You're back. George: Of course I'm back. Why wouldn't I be back? My mother's in the hospital, I'm going to pay her a visit. Estelle: I know, but two days in a row? You didn't have to do this. George: You're my mother! What wouldn't I do for you? Estelle: You know what you could do? I haven't eaten lunch or dinner. I can't eat this hospital food. Maybe you could run down to the deli and get me a sandwich.. George: (Smiling) You got it, Ma. (She smiles back, nodding) A little later. (George sits back in a nearby chair, looking at the divider in anticipation) Estelle: (Let down) Could you go now, George? I'm very hungry. I'm weak. George: Well, wait a little while, Ma. What's the difference? Estelle: I don't understand why you can't do this for me! George: (Standing up) I just got here, Ma! I'd like to spend a little time with you. Estelle: But if you wait, they won't let you back in! Visiting hours are almost over! George: Ten minutes! Here, here, (Fishes a box of Tic-Tacs out of his coat pocket and tosses them to her) Have some Tic-Tacs. Estelle: Get the hell outta here. (Angrily sets them aside) I'm sorry you came. Nurse: (To patient) Six-thirty. Time for your sponge bath. Estelle: George.. I'm huuunnnggry! George: (Muttering, slow) Hang on, Ma.. hang on.. [Setting: New York Health Club] Joyce: Hi! Elaine: Hi. Joyce: Did you get your hair done today? Elaine: No, I just, uh, fixed it.. a little bit. (Still looking around, she quickly checks her breath) Joyce: You know who - isn't here. He was in the early class today. (Elaine looses her composure) But I think you made quite an impression on him yesterday. Elaine: (Regarding herself) What? What? Who? Me-me-me? I made an impression? What impression? Joyce: Let me just put this back. (Turns to put a stack of shorts away) Elaine: No! No! Now! Tell me now! What did he say?! Joyce: (Uneasy) He asked about you. Elaine: (Ecstatic) He asked about me? John Kennedy asked about me?! (Hangs off the side of the counter, both feet in the air) What did he say? Joyce: He wanted to know your situation. Elaine: (Quick) What situation? I have a situation? Joyce: I-I told him you were single. Elaine: That was good. That was very good. Joyce: He said you were just his type. Elaine: (Frank) Okay, you tryin' to hurt me? Are you tryin' to hurt - you're tryin' to injure me, right? You're trying to hurt me. Joyce: He also told me to tell you that he'll be in your neighborhood tomorrow around nine o' clock - so he's gonna stop in front of your building if you want to come down and say hello. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: Alright, Ma, I'll talk to you later.. Nothing, I'm, I'm watching, uh, Tiny Toons here, on Nickelodeon.. It's, I-I like kid shows. They have a very innocent, wholesome quality. Okay, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye. (Hangs up) Kramer: (Obviously watching the nudist across the street) Oh, that's good. That's good. That's very, very good. Oh, it's hot in there.. (Jerry looks back at Kramer in envy) It's hot in there. So, just walk around a little bit. Don't be ashamed, don't be ashamed.. that's good, that's good.. yes, yes, yes.. Jerry: (Trying to block out Kramer, he starts to sing along with the TV) The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the bus.. Kramer: The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.. [Setting: George's room] [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: All you got is instant coffee? Why don't you get some real coffee? Jerry: I don't keep real coffee in here, I get my coffee on the outside! (Intercom buzzes. He answers it) Yeah?! Elaine: (Through intercom) It's Elaine. Jerry: (Shouting) Come on up! (Opens his door for Elaine) George: Where did you get those socks? Jerry: I don't know. George: I think those are my socks! Jerry: How are these your socks?! George: I don't know, but those are my socks! I had a pair just like that with the blue stripe, and now I don't have them anymore! Jerry: (Sarcastic) Oh, yeah, that's right, well, you fell asleep one day on the sofa and I took them off your stinkin' feet. They looked so good to me, I just had to have them! George: Yeah, well, they're my socks! Jerry: They're my socks! George: Oh boy.. Jerry: What are we doing here.. George: ..Oh boy. Jerry: This is ridiculous. George: Do you believe this? We're fighting. We're fighting. Jerry: I haven't been myself lately. I've been snapping at everybody. George: Me too. I've been yelling at strangers on the street. Elaine: Hello.. (Pulls a wad of bills out of her purse, and starts to count it up) George: (Shocked) You caved?! Jerry: It's over? George: You're out? Jerry: Ohh-my-God. The Queen is dead. George: I figured you'd cruise. At least through the Spring. Jerry: What happened? Elaine: It was..uh.. John-John. Jerry And George: Ohhhhh.. John-John. Jerry: But you made it through the day before. Elaine: Yeah, but yesterday, he told Joyce, the aerobics teacher, that he wants to meet me outside here at nine o' clock tonight. Jerry: Why outside here? Elaine: Because he think I live here. Remember when we shared a cab, and he dropped me off out in front? He's picking me up. Jerry: Alright, Costanza - it's just you and me. George: And then, (Smacks the money) there were two. Elaine: (Slowly) Elaine Benes Kennedy Junior.. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Marla: Let's go in the bedroom. Jerry: Really? Marla: Yes. Jerry: You sure? Marla: Yes. Jerry: You really want to? Marla: I do. I'm ready. Jerry: Okay.. Marla: I know how difficult this must have been for you. Jerry: (Chuckles) You don't know the half of it. Marla: What do you mean? Jerry: Well, it's kinda silly, but.. Marla: Contest?! A contest! This is what you do with your friends? Jerry: No, it was just a bet. I mean, it actually started with George and his mother- Marla: I don't want to hear another word. And to think how close I came to you being the one! I must have been out of my mind. Elaine: Marla? Hi, oh, I'm glad I ran into you- Marla: I don't want to have anything to do with you or your perverted friends. (Confused, Elaine moves closer) Ooohh, get away from me! You're horrible. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Elaine: What happened? Jerry: I told her about the contest. Elaine: Ohh. Boy, she's a whack-o. George: (To Elaine) Hey, what happened? Elaine: What? George: I thought you were meeting Kennedy. Elaine: (Let down) He didn't show. George: Yeah, he did. Elaine: What? He's - He's out there? Oh, my God. I-I gotta go, I gotta go.. George: No, no, no. He just left. Elaine: What? George: Yeah, he was talking to Marla. Jerry: Marla? George: Yeah, I think, you know, she was, like, crying, and he was consoling her, and then, she, uh, just got into his car, and they just drove away. Elaine: (Angered) He left with Marla, the virgin? George: Yeah. Elaine: They drove away? George: Yeah, drove away.. You know, I said 'Hello' to him. You know, he's - he's- Jerry: (Moving to the window, shocked) Oh my God in heaven! Elaine: (Makes a sound of surprise) Is that..? George: Kramer?! Elaine: He's waving.. [Setting: Elaine's bedroom] Marla: Ohh, John. That was wonderful..
Oscar: Oh, for God's sake. [notices Erin planking on parking lot curb] Oscar: Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet. Erin: Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't. And I don't. But I am so excited to be a part of it. Andy: [exiting elevator] After you my good sir. Dwight: No, I insist. Andy: I insist. Jim: The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California, for the manager position. Who took one look around and left. He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill.And he chose Andy: [drumroll with hands] I it's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer. Smart, right? Kelly: (planking on top of cabinet] Very smart. Andy: Uh, this has got to stop. Kelly: I can't get down. Dwight: K... Kevin! [Kevin planking on Dwight's desk] Dwight: Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great. Dwight: K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam? Pam: I don't think I should. Jim: Oh, yeah. Pregnant. Pam: Right here. Little Michael Scott- [points to her belly] Jim: No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early. Pam: Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office. Angela: Look, it's a 'Little Pregs' [points to her belly] and 'Big Pregs' [points to Pam's] Pam: Wait, when did we start calling it that- Angela: Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes? Pam: Well, I am a few months ahead of you. Angela: I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman. Dwight: Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl. [trying to lift Kevin off desk] Darryl: I'm lifting. Darryl: Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin' much better. This soda. This is mine. Stanley: It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt. Stanley: I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt.' It's stupid, but it's my thing now. Jim: No one should be planking at all. Andy: Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this? Dwight: Say no more. Dwight: [starts attacking plankers] Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. [knocks Toby off table] 'Specially with me around. Jim: You watching that commercial again? [Pam nods] Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry? Pam: Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone. Jim: He's got a bank vault. That's a start. Pam: Not enough though. Jim: The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange. Erin: Here we go. Robert: Hello. Erin: Robert California. Let's have a conversation. Robert: Describe your day so far. Erin: Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze- Robert: And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man. Erin: Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I've been doing this thing- Andy: Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning. Andy: First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client. Erin: Pam, pam. Psst. Pam. [motions her over, both looking at Robert's notebook] Pam: Jim. [motions him over] Jim: [motions he is on the phone] Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. [comes over] Okay. [sees notebook with two lists of staff names] What is this? Andy: The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts? Robert: What are your thoughts. Andy: Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no? Dwight: What are you looking at? Jim: It's, it's nothing. Dwight: It can't be nothing. Phyllis: Yeah, it can't be nothing. Jim: It's just a list of our names, split into two columns. Stanley: What? Jim: Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen? Erin: No. Jim: No. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone? Dwight: [throws hard, Jim doesn't catch] Nice catch. Pam: If he comes out, distract him. [takes list to copier] Kevin: We need a warning signal. Jim: We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there- Kevin: We do. Jim: I promise you, we don't need a warning- Kevin: WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! Phyllis: Ahhh! [falls out of chair] Dwight: Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay? Phyllis: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Dwight: 1, 2, 3! [pulls Phyllis up] Phyllis: Thanks guys. Dwight: Okay, which side of the list am I on? Jim: Left. Dwight: Yes! Jim: Why are you- How do you know? Andy: Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work. Jim: Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook. Pam: He left it at reception and we photocopied it. Andy: Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this. Pam: Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire. Jim: Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make. Dwight: This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it. Andy: I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side's the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam. Jim: I don't think it's- Pam: 'Scuse me? Dwight: Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider. Angela: Did you guys figure it out? Andy: We couldn't crack it. Stanley: Go in there and just ask the man what it means. Andy: He'll know that we looked at his private notebook. Phyllis: C'mon, just say you saw the list by accident. Andy: I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time. Phyllis: Yeah, that's all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day? Robert: [Andy continuously knocking on door] Yes, for god's sake Andy. Yes, come in. Andy: What's up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk. Robert: Great. Thank you. Andy: And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is. Robert: What is this? Andy: It's a photocopy from your notebook. Robert: You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it. Andy: No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it. Robert: Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle. Andy: What? Robert: Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists. Andy: That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name? Robert: Might as well have been sketching a cube. Andy: Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common? Meredith: Maybe we're supposed to do it with people in our group. Jim: That's not it. Meredith: People in the other group. Jim: Mmum, still wrong. Andy: Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got? Stanley: Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT! Andy: Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys. Kevin: I know! It's alphabetical. Everyone: [separately] No. Dwight: No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK! Jim: Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?! [Kelly and Erin screaming as Dwight bashes their heads together, everyone attacking each other and yelling] Andy: Dwight! Meredith: Hey! Kevin: Warning! Warning! Warning! Robert: [enters room, everyone quiets and separates] I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar. Dwight: That's great. Let's do this guys. Jim: Alright, well, I will see you in a bit. Pam: I love you so much. [starting to cry] Jim: Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on. Pam: Okay. [turns to computer] Jim: Nope. No dog video. Pam: Okay. Jim: Okay. See you guys. Andy: Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay! Robert: Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street? Jim: Uhhh, the street? Robert: Sesame street. Jim: Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo. Robert: Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era. Jim: Right. Robert: Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree. Jim: Yeah, she does like Elmo. Oscar: Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree. Phyllis: Completely. Darryl: Apt. Apt analysis, Robert. Kevin: The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling. Toby: I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here. Andy: Great group! Pizza party! Kelly: How is this a pizza party? Andy: Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here. Kelly: Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party. Andy: Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza? Stanley: What's that? Andy: Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese. Stanley: That's pizza. Pam: That's regular pizza. Dwight: You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group? Robert: I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you. Dwight: Okay! Everyone: [separately] Awww. Phyllis: Well, what about the other guys. Dwight: Losers. Robert: No. Dwight: C'mon. Robert: I don't- I don't wanna say- Dwight: C'mon, c'mon. Robert: No, no. Dwight: C'mon. Robert: Ha, I guess I think they're losers. Dwight: Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo! Robert: Probably shouldn't have said that. [Jim's jaw drops] Andy: Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched. Pam: [Pam's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.' Pam: [Everyone's phone vibrates] Oh, text from Kevin. Meredith: 'Suck it losers.' Ryan: Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp! Pam: I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, 'Oh, loser.' Andy: C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously? Pam: Oh. Oh God. Kelly: [door opens, others enter] Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch? Angela: It was excellent. Darryl: Good times. Andy: Yeah? Dwight: Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy. Kevin: I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone. Jim: Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright? Pam: Yeah, I'm fine. Kevin: [spraying Meredith and Creed with water gun] Loser. Losers. [Dwight holding up 'L' to his forehead] Meredith: [on the phone, while getting sprayed] Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes. Andy: When I was a salesman I could just be like 'Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob. Andy: Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier. Robert: I never said that. Andy: Thank you. Great. Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about? Andy: Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that? Robert: Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong. Phyllis: Whew, well. I guess that's that. Andy: No. No, no. Erin: Andy, don't go in there! Andy: I'm going in there. Andy: I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list. Robert: I'm not gonna change my list, Andy, and I don't use ballpoint pens. Andy: Well, then I will make a new list for you. Stanley... you may think he's a lazy grump, but did you know that he has the most consistently high sales numbers of anyone in this office? And you may think he's hard to love, but did you know that he's in, not one, but two long-term romantic relationships? Robert: I did not know about the sales figures. Andy: Meredith Palmer... Supplier relations. The word 'no' not even in her vocabulary. And just to show you that I'm being fair. You had Gabe in the loser column. I think that is astute. Good call. Pam, easily the most creative and kind person I have ever worked with. Dwight: Jim, shut the door. This is just gross. Jim: Shhh. Andy: Erin Hannon, the receptionist and my closest confidant. A winner if there ever was one. Erin: I like my new group. I liked my old group. Robert: Are we done? Andy: Yes. No! The Friday before Columbus Day, we're gonna take a half-day, so that everyone can get a jump on the long weekend. Robert: You want a three and half day weekend for Columbus Day? Andy: Yes, I do. Robert: And you are aware that Columbus and his legions committed genocide against an entire civilization of Native Americans. Andy: I don't care. [Robert smiles as Andy exits] Andy: Hey guys. So Columbus Day, we got that half-day on Friday. Stanley: We get that every year. Andy: Well, you got it this year too. Phyllis: Good night, Andy. Andy: Night. Angela: Bye. Oscar: Good night Andy. Dwight: Good night. Andy: Night. Jim: Alright, I'm gonna go warm up the car. Pam: Okay. Oh, uh, you dropped something. Jim? Pam: Okay, I know I've been crying easily today, but- [shows unfolded paper Jim dropped, shows two lists, 'Pam' and 'Cece' on one side, 'Everything else' on the other] I mean, that's just pretty killer, right? I mean, maybe it's stupid. No. [starts crying] It's wonderful. I'm gonna frame it. I can always unframe it. Andy: I gotta say, I think it's kinda cool not knowing. It's like one of those movies that ends on a note of mystery. Did the butler do it? Are they ghosts? You know? It's kinda sophisticated. Kelly: Everybody hates those endings! Pam: [weepy] Yeah, I hate those endings. Oscar: I- [Sees Kevin looking at the list upside down and turns it.] Kevin: I was looking for patterns. Oscar: I know. Ryan: It's all a mind game. He wanted us to see the list. He's a genius. You guys just don't get him. Creed: I made a list like this for Congress when I worked in Hollywood in the 50's, they're meaningless. Toby: Guys. Really, it's ok. Everyone has made a really solid first impression, I don't think there's any reason for anybody to worry. Toby: I am on the wrong side, and I am freaking out here. Dwight: [grunting, trying with Jim to lift Kevin planking on his desk] Man, it's like hoisting a manatee. I can't get a grip it's so vast. Jim: Ryan? A little help? Dwight: God. How do whalers do it? Ryan: Here's the way trends move across the country. They start in Japan. L.A. And New York get it soon after that. Seattle looks at it, decides not to do it. Chicago gets it three months later. Then it travels down the Mississippi, OK? All the red states start doing it. Good Morning America does a piece about it. And then, it shows up in Scranton. Andy: Creed! Wha- [Shoves Creed with his foot, Creed grunts] This is a safety issue with you. There's no way to know if you're dead! Gabe: Good morning. [suitcase falls and he laughs awkwardly] Gabe: Corporate wants me up here, Dunder Mifflin wants me down there. What they worked out is that Monday, Wednesday and Friday I'm here in Scranton, Tuesday Thursday I'm in Tallahassee, I mean I feel like Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, you know? More money more problems. Although, I didn't get a raise, so you know. Same money, more problems. Ryan: It's called owling. You'll read about it in like eight months. Jim: Uh, I will have the chicken piccata with a side salad. Robert: That sounds good. Kevin: Chicken piccata, side salad. Darryl: Chicken piccata, salad on the side please. Oscar: I'll start with a side salad and uh, oh, chicken piccata. Toby: Chicken piccata, side salad. Angela: Side salad, chicken piccata on the side. Phyllis: I'll start with a side salad, then a chicken piccata. Dwight: Steak. Rare. Robert: Jim, you alright? What are you doing? Jim: Good. What? Nothin' Pam: Oh! Text from Jim. 'This is...' hmm. Ryan: Profound man, your husband. Dwight: One more. To our boss! All: Hey! Jim: I don't think we have to do this again cause it's gonna take a whole. [everyone clinks glasses] Dwight: You know what? Let us treat you. What do you say? It has been such a pleasure. Robert: I can expense it. Darryl & Oscar: Let him expense it, Dwight. Dwight: I insist. It is gonna be our treat, please? Robert: Thank you. Waiter: Hi, Mr. Shrute. I've waited on you before. I just wanted to let you know that gratuity is not included in the bill and tips are expected. Dwight: Oh, tips are expected? Waiter: Yes sir. Dwight: Then expect to be shocked. Jim, you owe me $14.75. Oscar, $14.75. Darryl... Gabe: My entire childhood, I was the one left out, and I said to myself: Gabe, if you just achieve some success, you'll be part of them. You'll be part of the happy ones. But instead, people just used my success as a new way to shut me out. Meredith: Hey, this ain't no Breakfast Club, bitch. Dwight: Whoo! Yeah! Yeah! Jim: Come on, man. Dwight: Winners!
Odo: All right, these barstools will have to be removed. Quark: Do you know how much they cost? Odo: No, and I can't say I'm interested in learning. Station regulation twenty five sixty two, paragraph four. All furniture intended for use on the Promenade must not pose a danger to public safety. Quark: What danger? Odo: Without a back on the stool, Morn could tumble from his perch at any moment, shattering his upper vertebrae or puncturing three or four of his lungs. Quark: Nonsense. His body weight is perfectly distributed across the seat. He's also better able to enjoy the view of the lovely dabo girls than he was before. And should he require another drink he need only spin back. Odo: Which points out another danger. Vertigo. Quark: This isn't going to give anybody vertigo. Odo: Your appeal has been heard and rejected. I want the barstools removed by the end of the day. Now, it's come to my attention that your dabo wheel is in violation of station regulation forty seven twenty one, which states Kira: Odo? Odo: Nerys. Kira: You busy? Odo: Not at all. Kira: Then can I interest you in some lunch? Odo: Where shall we go? Kira: I was thinking about the Klingon restaurant. I haven't been there for ages and I have a craving for broiled krada legs. Jake: Too bad about the barstools. I kind of liked them. Quark: Did you notice how he changed the minute she walked in the room? Jake: They're in love. Quark: And what's love? Jake: Well, it's a Quark: Love's a distraction. And a distracted policeman is an opportunity. Captain's log, stardate 51948.3. With the safe arrival of convoy PQ One in the Vegan System, our escort duties are now complete and I've set course for home. Kasidy: Well, my first and hopefully last, mission report for Starfleet Command. You know, when I first agreed to be convoy liaison officer, I thought sure, why not? I know most of the freighter captains in the convoy, should be a piece of cake. I didn't know I'd be making twenty log entries a day and filling out formal reports every night. Sisko: Looks like you did a pretty good job. Kasidy: Well, if you're going to do something, do it right. That's what my father used to say. Sisko: Every father says that. Even I say that. Kasidy: That's why you're a good parent. You know all the clichés by heart. Well, hello stranger. Haven't seen you in days. Bashir: I've been filling out reports for Starfleet Medical. Kasidy: I knew there was a reason why I didn't join Starfleet. I couldn't do this paperwork. Bashir: Smart. Kasidy: There was a time when you couldn't get him to shut up. Sisko: I think I like him better this way. Kasidy: That's mean. Sisko: I was just kidding. Kasidy: No, you weren't. Worf: Worf to Captain Sisko. Sisko: Sisko here. Worf: Sir, can you come to the bridge? We have picked up a distress call. Sisko: On my way. Worf: We have been unable to establish two way communication so far, but we have determined that the signal is coming from somewhere in the Rutharian sector. Sisko: Let's hear it, Chief. Lisa: and Commander Gatsby is dead too. I didn't see any other escape pods leave before the ship was destroyed so I may be the only survivor. My pod was torn open on impact and the rain is pouring in. I'll take the radio and a survival kit with me, but the environmental suits were damaged in the crash, so I'll have to rough it. This is an L class world and the atmosphere is barely breathable out there. Repeat. This is a general distress call. I am a citizen of the United Federation of Planets and a Starfleet officer. If you can hear me, please respond. My government will reward you for any assistance you can offer, and most of all, you'll be my personal heroes. Repeat. This is a general Sisko: That's enough. How long will it take us to reach her? Worf: At maximum warp, six days. Sisko: Any other ships closer to that sector? Worf: No, sir. Sisko: Mister Worf, turn us around and set a course for the Rutharian sector. Worf: Aye, sir. Sisko: Chief, I want you to establish a two way comm. link with this woman. And when you do, tell her, tell her her heroes are on the way. Captain's log, supplemental. The marooned Starfleet officer, whose name we've learned is Lisa, continues to transmit her call for help, but so far Chief O'Brien has been unable to establish two way communications. Bashir: How's it going? O'Brien: Slow. For some reason, she's transmitting on a rotating subspace frequency. I'm having a problem finding a way to send a return signal. Lisa: Barely edible. Bashir: Do you have to keep that on all the time? O'Brien: No, not really, but she is all alone. The least I can do is try and listen to her. Lisa: This is a general distress call Bashir: She doesn't know you're listening, Miles. You're not comforting her by keeping the channels open and driving yourself crazy. O'Brien: It doesn't bother me. Sometimes it feels like she's actually talking to me. Lisa: or any assistance you can offer. O'Brien: It's true. Especially when she starts talking about her family or her home. She reminds me of my cousin. Lisa: Oh, no. I don't believe it. It's raining again. How can there be so much water and so little life out there? Bashir: I think I'll leave you two alone. Lisa: I'm really starting to hate this place. Lisa: Repeat. This is a general distress call. Hello? Is anyone paying attention? I know you're out there. I know you can hear me. So just answer me. Tell me you're on your way. Tell me I'm going to be rescued. Tell me I'm not going to die alone. Quark: I hope you're satisfied. I'm sure nothing gives you more pleasure than stifling my creativity. Odo: Only you would consider barstools to be a form of artistic expression. Quark: Oh yeah? Let's see how creative you are. Have you picked out the Major's gift yet? Odo: Gift? Quark: For this Saturday. You do know what Saturday is, right? Odo: Saturday? Quark: Yes. It's the one month anniversary of your first date with Major Kira. Odo: Oh. I suppose it is. Quark: And you haven't picked out a gift. Odo: Why should I? Quark: The man's experienced unrequited love for the better part of three years and now that he finally has her, he wants to know why he should celebrate their anniversary. Odo: Whatever you're trying to sell me, it won't work. Quark: You think I'm going to get involved? No, thank you. The last thing I want to deal with is a panicked lover looking for a gift at the last minute. There's a whole Promenade of shopkeepers out there if you want to buy a gift. Odo: A one month anniversary gift. Did you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? Jake: Okay, so now you have him looking for a gift. What are you up to? Quark: I tell you, you write it down, the next thing I know I'm in a holding cell. Jake: I won't write a word, I promise. This is just character research. Quark: Right. Jake: Quark, listen. I'm working on a crime novel but I've hit a wall in my writing. It's not truthful anymore. Phony, artificial. I'm having trouble creating real, flesh and blood characters, especially nefarious ones. If you could just let me just watch and listen as you pull off whatever it is you're going to pull off, it could really help me out. You could give me insight. I could even model my lead character after you. Quark: Lesson number one. No one involved in an extralegal activity thinks of themselves as nefarious. Jake: Sorry. Quark: I'm a businessman, okay? Now, if you're interested in learning more about my business, I think that could be arranged. Jake: Great. Quark: But nothing you see or hear turns up in print. And none of it, none of it gets back to your father, understand? Jake: Completely. Lisa: So there is a sun after all. Of course, now that the sun's up, I can see how truly ugly my new little home is. There's nothing out there but dirt, some rocks, some more dirt and some more rocks. Kasidy: Chief? Can I ask you a personal question? O'Brien: Sure. Kasidy: Are you uncomfortable having me aboard the Defiant? O'Brien: No. Why should I be? Kasidy: I'm a civilian. Isn't it awkward having me aboard a warship? O'Brien: We've had civilians aboard before. It doesn't bother me. Kasidy: I was afraid you were going to say that. Lisa: I can hear you! O'Brien: I'm sorry? Lisa: Hello? Kasidy: Don't worry about it. O'Brien: Hold on a minute. Lisa: This is Lisa Cusak receiving your transmission. Can you hear me? Hello? Hello? I could hear you two talking! Can you hear me? O'Brien: Yes! Yes, we can hear you! Lisa: Thank God!! Whoever you are, I love you! Lisa: My name's Lisa Cusak. Until a couple of days ago, I was the commanding officer of the Olympia. Sisko: The Olympia. Lisa: We left the Federation over eight years ago for a long range exploration of the Beta Quadrant. Sisko: What happened to your ship, Captain? Lisa: We were finally heading home, if you can believe that, then we picked up some strange energy readings in a nearby star system, and I decided to stop and investigate. We found an energy barrier around the fourth planet that was unlike anything we'd ever seen, and when we probed it with our scanners it triggered a quantum reaction. There was an enormous surge of metrion radiation that disabled our engines. The next thing I knew, we were spiraling in toward the surface. I gave the order to abandon ship and the last thing I remember is a console exploding in my face. I woke up in an escape pod on the surface and I've spent the last day and a half sitting in this cave trying to raise someone on subspace. Bashir: Captain, Doctor Bashir, Chief Medical Officer. Your message said that you were on a L class planet. Are you sure? Lisa: Positive. And to answer your next question, yes, I've been giving myself fifteen cc's of triox every four hours to compensate for the excess carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Just like it says in my medical tricorder. Bashir: How much triox do you have left? Lisa: One hundred and fifty milliliters. Bashir: Will you to decrease the dosage, Captain, to eight cc's every six hours. We need to stretch your supply as long as possible. Kasidy: What happens when she runs out of the drug? Lisa: That's a good question, Doctor. What happens then? Bashir: You will begin to experience the effects of hypoxia. But before that happens, the triox compound will have strengthened your cardiopulmonary system, allowing you to better withstand the effects. Lisa: Better withstand the effects. In other words, I'm going to be gasping for air and turning different shades of blue by the time you get here. Bashir: Yes, I'm afraid so. Lisa: Thanks for brightening my day. Kasidy: Is there anything we can do? Lisa: There is, actually. I can't sleep. I think the injections are keeping me awake and I haven't had anyone to talk to for two days. Sisko: We'll be able to help you with that, Captain. I'll have one of my officers stay on the comm. line with you at all times. Lisa: And order them to enjoy it, too. Sisko: Done. Lisa: So, who's first? Sisko: I think I'd better start. Lisa: Sounds good to me. Sisko: A lot has happened since you left, Captain. Sisko: The Second Fleet hit the Dominion forces occupying Betazed three times in the last month, but they keep sending in reinforcements and fortifying their positions on the surface so we find it Lisa: Okay, okay, that's it. Please, no more war news. You're depressing me. Sisko: Oh, sorry. Lisa: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for you and me and everyone in the Federation. I can't believe we're at war. Let's change the subject. How about some good news. Tell me there's still something to look forward to when I get home. Tell me people still fall in love and get married and raise families. Sisko: They do. Lisa: Good. And what about you? Are you married? Sisko: No. Lisa: Seeing anyone? I mean I hate to pry, but I'd like to think that there's still something positive in the life of a starship captain these days. Sisko: I am seeing someone. Lisa: Now we're talking. Tell me about her. What's her name? Sisko: Kasidy Yates. Lisa: Kasidy? Is she the same Kasidy I spoke to earlier? Sisko: That's her. Lisa: She one of your officers? Sisko: No, civilian. Freighter captain. Lisa: Uh, oh. Sounds like you're having problems. Sisko: Why would you say something like that? Lisa: There's no joy in that voice of yours, Ben. In fact, the tension level went up when you said her name. You sounded more relaxd when you were telling me about the war. Ben, are you still there? Sisko: Yes. Yes, I'm still here. You just caught me off guard, a little. Lisa: I can tell. You know, back when I was a junior officer, I dated a civilian for six years. Want to hear about it? Sure you do. Why? Because it's a funny story and one of us needs to cheer up. So we met on Andor. I was assigned to the Federation Embassy as an attaché and he was working in the Andorian Agricultural Ministry. Now at first I didn't want anything to do with him. He kept pointing his antennae at me whenever I walked through his office and I found that sort of rude. Quark: Excuse me, coming through. Excuse me. Excuse me. Odo? Odo: Well, this is it. Quark: Can I see it? Quark: Oh, very nice. The Major's going to love it. How are going to give it to her? What sort of evening do you have planned? Odo: I don't have anything planned. Quark: Fortunately for you, there's still time. Pick one. Odo: A holosuite program? Quark: It's your anniversary. You have to do something special. Odo: I bought her a gift. Quark: Have it your way, but if it was me and I had found true love after a lifetime of searching, every month would be worth celebrating. Odo: All right. Let me look at those programs. Come on. Quark: Looks like the Constable's going to be busy Saturday night. I guess that means he won't be following me around the station, or watching the airlocks for wanted criminals, or monitoring the cargo bays for illegal transactions. Jake: He has deputies. Quark: Deputies I can handle. With Odo out of the way my biggest problem will be deciding what to do with all the money I'm about to make! Lisa: Both my sisters are teachers. I don't know how they can do it. Personally, I can't stand children. Bashir: Ah ha. Lisa: I know, I know everyone loves children. Not me. Bashir: Yeah. Lisa: What about you? You like children? Bashir: Oh yeah. Lisa: Really? Bashir: Yeah. Lisa: You know, Doctor, I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, you're not really paying attention to. Wait a minute. What's that? There's something moving out there. It's getting closer. Bashir: What? Lisa: Stay back. No, don't hurt me. Bashir: Captain, what's going on? Lisa: Please, stay back. No, don't! No! Bashir: Captain Cusak, can you hear me? Hello? Hello? God. Voice: She's gone. Bashir: Who is this? What have you done? Voice: I have eaten her. Bashir: What? Voice: I've eaten her! What difference does it make to you? You weren't even listening to her! Bashir: You have my sincere apologies. I was carried away with my work. Lisa: I'm a patient, aren't I? Doesn't that make me part of your work? Bashir: You're right. You're absolutely right. I don't know what I was thinking. You now have my complete attention. Lisa: Well, I've got news for you, Doc. I'm all talked out. It's time for you to cheer up one of your patients and take her mind off her impending doom. Bashir: You're not doomed. Lisa: I feel better already. See how easy that was? Now keep going. Bashir: Oh, what should I talk about? Lisa: How did they let you out of medical school with this kind of bedside manner? Are you sure you're a doctor? Bashir: I graduated second in my class in fact. Lisa: Oh, and we're especially proud of that, aren't we? Bashir: I get the feeling it's going to take me some hours to crawl out of this rather sizeable hole I've dug for myself. Lisa: Not at all. It'll take you days. Quark: You have my personal assurance they're high quality crystals. And you won't get them at this price anywhere else in the quadrant. Quark: Five days, cargo bay three. See you then. Odo: I'll take this one. Quark: Ah. Paris, Nineteen twenty eight. Nice choice. Say what you will about humans today, their past was certainly romantic. Odo: Book us four hours starting at twenty one hundred on Sunday night. Quark: You mean Saturday. Odo: I mean Sunday. Quark: But Saturday's the anniversary of your first date. Odo: Yes, but our first date ended badly. It's not something I want to commemorate, so I've decided to celebrate the anniversary of our first kiss. Quark: Your first kiss? Odo: Romantic, isn't it? Quark: Come on. Come on. Jake: What's going on? Quark: My partner. I can't get him on the channel. He's changed his comm. system protocols. Jake: Already? You just talked to him. Quark: He's a wanted man, Jake. He has to be very careful about how often he uses subspace. The authorities might try and trace his signal. I have no way of contacting him until he gets here Saturday night. Jake: Can't you just explain to him that he'll have to wait a day. Quark: Haven't you been paying attention? If he even sets foot on the station while Odo's on duty, we'll both be in a holding cell faster than you can say criminal conspiracy. Jake: What are you going to do? Quark: I think my best option is panic. O'Brien: When the fighting first broke out, I thought to myself, all right, O'Brien, you've done this before. Keep your head down, focus on the job, you'll get through this just like you did in the last war. But this war's different. Maybe I'm different. I have this growing sense of isolation. I see people, I talk to them, I laugh with them, and. But part of me is always saying they may not be here tomorrow. Don't get too close. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting this all on your shoulders, Captain. Lisa: No, no, it's all right, Miles. I don't mind. It sounds like you really need to talk with someone about this. O'Brien: I'm sure it's the last thing you need to hear. I should be cheering you up. Lisa: Forget about me. You're the one who needs cheering up. O'Brien: Now there's a sad state of affairs. Lisa: Look, you've seen a lot of combat in the last year. That's a heavy burden to carry around. O'Brien: You sure you're a Captain, not a counselor? Lisa: Oh, I'm sure. I'll let you in on a little secret, Miles. I dislike the whole concept of a ship's counselor. O'Brien: Me, too. I mean, I like some of them personally, but Lisa: But sometimes they just get in the way. O'Brien: That's exactly how I feel. But saying it out loud is almost heresy. And there's this assumption nowadays that only someone with a diploma can listen to your problems or give you advice. Lisa: Sometimes all you need are good friends. O'Brien: Exactly. Lisa: So where are they? O'Brien: Excuse me? Lisa: Where are your friends, Miles? Why aren't they helping you through this? O'Brien: Well, we, er, I haven't spoken to them about any of this. You know, it's not the kind of thing you talk about. Lisa: Well, if you can't talk to your friends and you can't talk to your wife, you know who that leaves? O'BRIEN + Lisa: A ship's counselor. Bashir: Excuse me, but it's eighteen hundred hours. O'Brien: Already? Bashir: Afraid so. O'Brien: But we're still talking. Lisa: Boys, boys, don't fight over me. Lisa: Miles, I'll talk to you in the morning. Think about what I said. O'Brien: All right. And I will. Good night, Captain. Lisa: Good night. Lisa: Well, Julian, don't let me keep you from your work. I know how busy you are. Bashir: No work tonight. Lisa: Oh, so you've decided to spend your valuable time conversing with your patient again. That's three days in a row. You must be swamped with paperwork by now. I feel awful keeping you from your duties like this. Bashir: I managed to catch up with all my paperwork this afternoon, thank you very much. Lisa: Let me guess. Thanks to your amazing, genetically engineered brain, you not only did your work, you did the work of ten other doctors at the same time. Bashir: Well, you've answered the next question I was going to ask you, which is, how are you feeling? I can hear that you're in your usual acerbic good mood. Lisa: Wrong again, my superhuman friend. As a matter of fact I'm not feeling well at all. Bashir: Tell me. Lisa: The last injection didn't do the trick. I feel this heavy weight on my chest. It's getting harder to breathe and every time I move my head, the cave starts spinning. Sisko: Come in. Sisko: What is it? Bashir: Captain Cusak's run out of triox. She's beginning to feel the effects of CO2 poisoning. Sisko: Already? I thought she had at least a day's worth of injections. Bashir: So did I, but it apparently the last vial was tainted somehow, probably in the crash. Sisko: How long does she have? Bashir: No more than two days. Sisko: That's not good. We're still three days away. Bashir: We need more speed. O'Brien: Speed's not the problem. I could increase the warp plasma ninety seven gigahertz. That would increase our velocity to warp nine point five and save us almost a full day. Worf: The problem on the Defiant is how to maintain structural integrity when we go above warp nine. O'Brien: Exactly. At those kinds of speed the ship literally starts tearing herself apart. Sisko: Is there any way to strengthen the structural integrity field? O'Brien: Not without bleeding power from some other source. Sisko: Such as? O'Brien: The phaser reserves. Worf: That would be unwise. If we empty the defense reserve, we could find ourselves at an extreme disadvantage should we encounter a Dominion ship. Bashir: We're a long way from the front lines out here, Worf. The chances of meeting a Dominion ship are negligible. Worf: We should not take that risk. Bashir: She'll die if we do not get to her faster. Sisko: Use the phaser reserve, Chief. Give us all the speed you can. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Thank you, sir. Kasidy: How's it going? Sisko: We're increasing speed. The Captain's condition is worsening. Kasidy: I see. Is there anything I can do? Sisko: I don't think so. Kasidy: Well. I guess I'll see you later. Sisko: Right. Kasidy: Right. Sisko: Are you sure you want to hear about this? Lisa: Trust me Ben, I'd much rather be worrying about your love life than about my own problems right now. Sisko: Well, when Kasidy came to the bridge last night, all I wanted her to do was leave. And I couldn't tell you why. Lisa: She doesn't belong there Ben, that's why. She doesn't belong in that part of your life and you know it. Off duty, I'm sure Kasidy is exactly what you need. But on the Defiant, she's a random element, a piece that doesn't fit anywhere in the puzzle. Sisko: She was the Convoy Liaison Officer on our last mission, and a damned good one too. Lisa: This isn't about her. This is about you. You're having trouble doing your job when she's on the Defiant and that's a problem. It's also affecting your relationship, and that's another problem. Don't take it so hard. So you can't mix your personal life and your professional life. Most people can't. I certainly can't. I once served on the same starbase as my sister. Oh, what a nightmare that was. Sisko: I looking forward to meeting you, Lisa. And I know I'm not the only one around here who feels the same way. Lisa: If you ask me, everyone on that ship could use some R and R. Quark: Beautiful, aren't they? Jake: Gorgeous. Quark: Do you know how much I was going to get for these? Almost two hundred bars. Jake: That's a lot. Quark: No kidding that's a lot. Now, they're just a crate full of junk. Jake: You know there's still a chance that Odo won't find out about any of this. Quark: No, he'll find out. Odo would love nothing more than to see me in jail. And after all I did for him. Jake: Like what? Quark: Like helping him find true love. That's right. If it wasn't for me, he and Major Kira would've never gotten together in the first place. I was there for him during all the heartache and lonely nights when he was wallowing in misery because she was still seeing Shakaar. I told him to make his move. I told him not to give up. I was there for him. And what did I get out of it? Nothing. He still spies on me, he still bothers me about minor infractions of the law, and he still can't wait for the opportunity to send me to prison. I should have remembered the two hundred and eighty fifth Rule of Acquisition. No good deed ever goes unpunished. Quark: To failure. Jake: I'm not drinking to that. Quark: Jake, in ten minutes my business partner's ship will dock. In fifteen minutes, Odo will arrest him. In twenty minutes, my name will come up, and in twenty five minutes Odo will walk in here with a warrant. I think you should humor me on this one. Odo: Quark. I'd like that holosuite now after all. Quark: You would? Odo: That's right. It turns out Nerys agrees with you. She wants to celebrate the anniversary of our first date, not our first kiss, so here we are. Is the holosuite still available? Quark: It's, er, it's all yours. Odo: The program? Quark: Odo, have a good time. Odo: Thank you, Quark. I'm sure we will. Quark: I don't believe it. Jake: Neither do I. Quark: I'm going to win this one, Jake. You know what the best part is? I beat Odo. I finally beat him. Jake, I did it. I beat him. Kira: Well, he looks happy. Odo: He should be. He's about to make his biggest profit of the year. Kira: I don't know, Odo. You sure you want to let him get away with smuggling Denevan crystals? Odo: I owe him one, so he'll get this one. But just this one. Kira: Why is it every time I think I have you figured out you do something to surprise me? Like tonight. Where did you get the idea to celebrate our one month anniversary in Paris? Odo: Well, some mysteries are better left unsolved. Sisko: I want a complete scan of that barrier, but use passive sensors only, gentlemen. An active scan is what triggered the destruction of the Olympia. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Worf: It appears to be an exogenic field generated by the unstable elements in the planet's core. Bashir: Captain Cusak just lost consciousness. She's in the last stages of CO2 poisoning. If she's got any chance at all, we have to get her to Sickbay in the next forty five minutes. O'Brien: Captain, there's no way the Defiant can penetrate the barrier. The energy's composed of subspace metrion radiation. If we get anywhere near it, the dilithium matrix in the warp core will collapse and we'll be pulled down onto the planet surface just like the Olympia. Sisko: Options? Bashir: Could we beam through it? O'Brien: No. We can't get close enough to the barrier to initiate transport. Sisko: What about a shuttle pod? Their impulse engines don't use antimatter. Worf: It is unlikely that a shuttle could withstand the gravimetric stresses that are within the barrier. Bashir: Unlikely, but not impossible. Sisko: I didn't come all this way to give up. I'll take the risk. Doctor, Mister O'Brien, you're with me. Mister Worf, you have the bridge. Worf: Aye, sir. Sisko: Sisko to Defiant. We're preparing to enter the barrier. Worf: Acknowledged. Good luck, Captain. Sisko: Thank you, Commander. O'Brien: Shields down to seventy three percent. Sisko: Primary power grid offline. Switching to backups. O'Brien: Shields at fifty percent. Sisko: We're losing the navigational computer. Bashir: Secondary navcomp online. O'Brien: We're coming out of it. Sisko: Damage report. O'Brien: Some buckling in the starboard hull plating but otherwise, we're fine. Sisko: Scan the planet, Doctor. Bashir: I'm not showing any lifesign. Wait, I've found the crash site and the cave. Sisko: Is there somewhere we can set down nearby? Bashir: Yes. O'Brien: How are we for time? Bashir: It's going to be tight. We've to get her in the shuttle and back on the ship in twenty minutes. Bashir: Still no life readings. Sisko: This has to be the only direction she could have been headed in. Bashir: Over here. Bashir: It was a human female. Fifty one years of age at the time of death. Cause of death, carbon dioxide poisoning. Sisko: It can't be Lisa. That woman's been dead for years. Bashir: Three years and two months. But all the evidence fits. Age, rank, the way she died. Sisko: If she's been dead for three years, how has she been talking to us? O'Brien: It must have something to do with the energy barrier. When her subspace radio signal passed through the metrion radiation in the barrier, the signal somehow time shifted into the future. Bashir: Then when you sent the return signal? O'Brien: It went through the barrier and traveled back in time in the same way. Sisko: We've been talking to someone from the past? Bashir: So what do we do now? O'Brien: We should bury her. Sisko: No, not here. Not alone in this cave. We'll take her back with us. Give her a proper burial among friends. Dax: It's called an Irish wake. It's a way to memorialize a death and celebrate life at the same time. Worf: What are we supposed to do? Dax: Well, drink, sing songs, laugh, cry, talk about the deceased. Worf: It sounds almost Klingon. Sisko: Hey. Kasidy: Hey, yourself. Sisko: When this is over, I want to talk to you about something. Something that's been on my mind. Kasidy: Okay. Is it about me? Sisko: Well, it's about me, actually. Kasidy: Ah, that's a relief. Sisko: I want to try to explain about my behavior lately. Kasidy: Sounds good to me. But we'll talk about it over dinner. You cook. Sisko: That's a deal. Bashir: I just wanted to say that although I only spoke with her for a very short time, I really admired Lisa Cusak. I cared about her and I'll miss her. And another thing. Contrary to public opinion, I am not the arrogant, self absorbed, god like doctor that I appear to be on occasion. Why don't I hear anybody objecting to that statement? O'Brien: Well, I will if you insist. Bashir: I insist. O'Brien: Then I object. Bashir: Thank you, Miles Edward O'Brien. No, I have a heart, and I really care about all of you, even if sometimes it would appear that I care more about my work. To the woman that taught me that it is sometimes necessary to say these things. Lisa Cusak. All: To Lisa. O'Brien: I never shook her hand and I never saw her face, but she made me laugh and she made me weep. She was all by herself and I was surrounded by my friends, yet I felt more alone than she did. We've grown apart, the lot of us. We didn't mean for it to happen but it did. The war changed us, pulled us apart. Lisa Cusak was my friend. But you are also my friends, and I want my friends in my life because someday we're going to wake up and we're going to find that someone is missing from this circle, and on that day we're going to mourn, and we shouldn't have to mourn alone. To Lisa and the sweet sound of her voice.
Alsia: When my husband was alive, we ran the business together, and I managed to put away a bit of latinum every year just for myself. Now he's gone, well, I've got quite a little sum. Martus: That's important. Alsia: Well, to be honest, it's not enough. Not for the future. Not for the way I want to live out my retirement. So, I've decided to invest it all. I can't believe I'm telling you this. I just met you but I feel like I can really trust you. It's like I've known you forever. Martus: When hearts are in sympathy, time collapses. Alsia: I'm taking everything I've saved and I'm purchasing the mining concession on the entire Vlugta asteroid belt. Martus: How ambitious. And such an adventurous undertaking for a woman of your delicate sensibilities. Are you sure that's wise? Prospecting can be risky. Alsia: Not this time. My father was a stellar cartographer. Thirty years ago, he conducted a full spectrum mineral analysis of those asteroids but he never had the means to follow up on what he found. Martus: And now you plan to carry out your father's dream. Alsia: When his survey results become public, I'll get seven times my investment back overnight. I still can't believe I'm telling you this. My secret plan. I've been thinking about it for years. I never even told my husband. It must be all this Gamzian wine. Martus: How brave of you to do all of this on your own. Alsia: It hasn't been easy. There's so much to keep track of, so much to do. Martus: Maybe I could help. Would you consider some kind of partnership? Odo: Let's go. Martus: Exactly where are we going? Odo: To Security. Martus: But I've done nothing wrong. Alsia: It's true. We were just talking. Odo: You were talking, madam. He was listening. Martus: Security Chief Odo, isn't it? Odo: I've been watching you ever since you arrived. Martus: Should I be flattered? Odo: Martus Mazur, a refuge from the El-Aurian system. Martus: Well, everyone has to be from somewhere. Where are you from, Odo? Odo: Don't pull that routine on me. Martus: What routine? Odo: I know all about you El-Aurians. You're listeners. People like to talk to you. Martus: Everyone has to have someone to confide in, someone to hear their stories I offer a sympathetic ear. And if they request my help I give it to them. Odo: That couple from Pythro Five told me you asked for their financial access codes. Martus: Some might call helping an elderly couple invest their savings a compassionate act. Odo: Not when you invest it in your own business. A business that promptly folds. Martus: I had a run of bad luck. No one regrets it more than I do. Odo: You're a con man. And they've signed a complaint. Martus: This isn't necessary. It really isn't necessary. I'm not going anywhere. Let's have a drink. Talk a bit? Bashir: Chief. O'Brien: Hello, Doctor. Bashir: Great job. You built it yourself, didn't you? O'Brien: Yeah. Just finished. I missed playing and I figured there'd be at least a couple of other players on board. I didn't think you'd be one of them. BASHIR Captain of the team at Starfleet Medical Academy. We took the sector championships in my final year. O'Brien: Against other medical students? Bashir: Against everybody. Played a Vulcan in the finals. Talk about stamina. I don't think he ever actually broke a sweat. O'Brien: And you won? Bashir: Took him on a back wall riser shot. O'Brien: Well, I can't say I've had much in the way of formal training myself, but it's been a serious pastime for a lot of years. Bashir: Some of the toughest players I've come up against didn't really know what they were doing. O'Brien: Really. Bashir: Formally I mean. Hey, whatever works, works. This exercise for example, I picked up at a tournament from a top player. It's a five thousand year old battle warm-up. According to the legend, it makes the heart a friend to the hand. Medically, I don't really know what that means, but it seems to give me a lot of energy. Fancy a game? O'Brien: Serve. Bashir: I guess from the lines you prefer the old style rules. O'Brien: I can play any style you like. Bashir: Traditional it is, then. Always been my personal favorite. O'Brien: Serve! Bashir: One. Martus: Pardon me, friend. Pardon me! Martus: Friend? Friend, re you all right? Martus: I thought you'd died. Cos: If only I could be so fortunate. Martus: You were snoring. Cos: Please accept my apologies. I didn't mean to disturb you, but as you can see, my health is not so good. Martus: Yes, well, I'm sorry I had to wake you. Cos: I wasn't always like this. Martus: Of course not. Cos: I had youth, vigor, fame, wealth beyond measure. All gone. Martus: I'm not listening. Cos: All because of this. Martus: A gambling device? Did you win? Cos: Of course not. Martus: You gambled away everything you had? Cos: In a manner of speaking. Every trade deal I struck was a disaster. Every alliance I formed fell apart. Every endeavor backed, a failure. Martus: But what does this have to do with the toy? Sounds like you just had a lot of rotten luck. Cos: Yes. Rotten luck. In the end It all comes down to luck. I won! Martus: That's nice. What did you win? Martus: Officer, you've got a dead prisoner in here. Officer! Keiko: How'd it go? Keiko: Good workout? O'Brien: Medical school. Captain of the team at Medical school. Keiko: Who are you talking about? O'Brien: Bashir. Keiko: You had a game? O'Brien: No, he had a game. I just kind of stumbled around the court for ninety minutes and made a complete ass of myself. Keiko: I'm sure he didn't see it that way. O'Brien: The hell he didn't. That smug look on his face. I guess you prefer old style rules. Like I was some kind of a fossil. In my day, I could've wiped the court with him. Keiko: That's the point. You're not a kid anymore. It's nothing to be ashamed of. People just naturally slow down. O'Brien: Like molasses in winter, huh? Thanks. Keiko: Miles, you're taking this way too seriously. O'Brien: I'm out of shape, that's all. I just need to get my wind back. Sector Champion, my eye. He's vulnerable to every one of my best shots. I just couldn't get them there. This time. Bashir: I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Dax: Come on, Julian. It couldn't have been that bad. Bashir: No, really. His face was flushed. I could've taken his pulse just watching the side of his neck. Dax: Why didn't you stop it? Bashir: Don't think I didn't try. After the first game, I told him I had an appointment. He ignored me. After the second game, I told him I was getting tired. He didn't believe me. And then his racquet broke and I thought, finally. But no. He made me stay there while he went away and replicated another one. Dax: So what finally happened? Bashir: While he was gone, I called my assistant and told her. May I? Told her to call me back after five minutes and say there was an emergency at the Infirmary. Dax: That's terrible. Bashir: There was no other way out. Otherwise there would have been an emergency. Chief O'Brien's coronary. Dax: At least it's all over. Bashir: That's just it. This is just the beginning. The Chief wants a rematch, and I'm telling you, it's going to kill him. Dax: Honestly, Julian, you're exaggerating. O'Brien's can't be a day over thirty eight. Bashir: He's too young to die. I guess I'm overstating the health risk. That's not the point. The Chief has a lot of pride, and for good reason. I really respect him, the things he does, the kind of man he is. I just don't want to humiliate him. Martus: Another winner. What luck. Odo: The Pythron couple has refused to press charges. You can go. Martus: Of course. Didn't I tell you? They're my friends. Quark: All right. Double or nothing. Rom: House always takes blue. Quark: Sorry, the drink's on you. Can I help you. Martus: Prosecco. Quark: And how do you plan on paying for this? With charm, perhaps? Martus: Double or nothing? Quark: Double nothing is still nothing. Martus: If I lose, I'll give you this. Quark: House always takes blue. Quark: Lucky. Martus: My luck's running good today. Quark: So I heard. Decided not to testify, did they? Martus: I don't know what you mean. Quark: No? The forty seventh Rule of Acquisition says 'Don't trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.' Either you're a con artist or you're covering up an empty coin purse. I happen to know it's both. Martus: Well, we can't all be as successful as you are. Quark: Too true. Quark: Some kind of game? I've never seen that one before. How do you play? Martus: Just push the key. Martus: Too bad. Martus: As I told you, my luck's running good today. Quark: Am I supposed to be impressed? Martus: A little tinkering, some replication and expansion, it might make a nice addition to your casino. Quark: And who would play this? It's just a child's toy. My nephew, it might keep him out of my ears for a couple of days. I'll take it. Martus: That's a tidy sum. Quark: I'm feeling benevolent today. Have another. Martus: I might have accepted, but the offer of the drink? That tells me you're very interested. Quark: Nonsense. You read too much into nothing. My benevolence is known far and wide. Martus: Oh, it's legendary, I'm sure. I'll take one hundred times what you've got here. Quark: Not in this space-time continuum, you won't. Go try to peddle this little triviality down on Bajor. You might be able to trade it for a meal, but it won't be a hot one. Martus: You'll be in profit by the end of the week. Quark: Final offer. Take it before my generosity fades. Martus: Perhaps I'll hold on to it a bit longer. Quark: Suit yourself. But be under no illusion. If I was serious about acquiring this, it would be mine, and for substantially less than what you'd hoped for. Martus: It seems overconfidence comes in small packages around here. Quark: My track record speaks for itself, just like your security file. Martus: Thanks for the drink. Martus: Times are difficult. Roana: Oh, it's not that. Business was good. Martus: Then why are you shutting down? Roana: My husband and I ran this place for nine years. Before that, we had a shop on Bajor for seventeen. But a few months ago he passed away, and my heart just not in it anymore. Martus: Not the same, is it, working by yourself. Roana: No. It's so much nicer to work next to someone else. You understand. Bashir: Nice shot. Bashir: Damn. O'Brien: You think I'm stupid, too? Bashir: I don't know what you're talking about. O'Brien: I don't need your charity. Next time, you either play your best game or you don't play. Quark: He can't do this. I have an exclusive contract. I want him arrested. Odo: Who are you talking about? Quark: Martus, that listener. Odo: What's he done? Quark: Just look. Martus: Welcome, friends, welcome, welcome. Welcome to Club Martus. Quark: I have a contract for which I paid considerably. All gambling on DS Nine happens at Quark's or it doesn't happen. Sisko: A few bribes to the Cardassians when they ran this place doesn't constitute a contract, not in the eyes of the Federation. Quark: He's a con-artist, a crook. Sisko: One more won't make much difference. Quark: Without me, the other merchants would have abandoned the station. Quark: You owe me. You begged me to stay here when you first came on board and I did, against my better judgment. Sisko: I didn't beg, I blackmailed you. And don't pretend it hasn't paid off for you either. Quark: It's paid off fine until now. Martus is cutting into my profits. I want him stopped before it gets any worse. Rom: Too late for that, my brother. Quark: What is the meaning of this? Martus: I've promised your underpaid sibling a one quarter partnership in my establishment. Rom: Make me a better offer. Quark: A bidding war? Over you? Don't make me laugh. Careful, Martus. He shaves the latinum. Rom: I do not. Not much. Alsia: Martus, I just received word that the Vlugta government has accepted my bid. Martus: That's wonderful. What's wrong? Alsia: They won't finalize the transaction until I commission a study on the effects of asteroid mining on inner-system navigation. All my money is committed to the bid. I can't afford the study and I only have a week to get it done. Martus: How much do you need? Alsia: Ten thousand Isiks. Martus: Ten thousand Isiks? It won't be easy to raise that kind of money. Alsia: I hope I can find an investor in time. Martus: I might know someone. But what kind of return could they expect on their investment? Alsia: Once I begin mining, I'd pay back ten times ten thousand. Martus: Don't worry, Alsia, I'll do everything in my power to keep your dream alive. Alsia: Oh, Martus, I don't know how to thank you. Martus: Is there some problem, Rom? Rom: Not with this batch but with my brother around you can never be too careful. Martus: You mean to say he'd poison the canapés? Rom: Maybe not poison, but a small intestinal bug? I wouldn't put it past him. Martus: Don't worry about Quark. I've had the most astonishing run of luck lately. I'm beginning to think I can do no wrong. Martus: Neatness counts. Never think it doesn't. A toast to the Queen of the Promenade. A woman whose business acumen is matched only by her beauty and charm. Have I missed anything? To you, my treasure. Are you as pleased as I am? Roana: What do you think? Martus: I think we make quite a good team. Perhaps we should consider formalizing our relationship. Roana: Are you proposing to me? Martus: What do you think? Roana: It's beautiful. Martus: You deserve nothing less. Roana: And these are wonderful. Where did you find them? Martus: I had them replicated from a handheld version a friend gave me. Roana: I've never seen anything like them. Martus: No one has. Kira: All right, is this everything you'll need for the lab? Dax: I think so. Dax: I don't believe it. Kira: Believe what? Dax: I've had the computer looking for this program for weeks. It was buried somewhere in the deep code level right before the Cardassians left. Kira: How'd you find it? Dax: I'm not sure. It's more like it found me. Just lucky, I guess. Bashir: I'm so sorry. O'Brien: What happened? Bashir: You served, I returned low, you slipped on the ball. O'Brien: I slipped on the ball? Bashir: Stepped right on it mid-flight. Never seen anything like it. Easy now, let me check you out. O'Brien: I'm fine. Serve. Crewman: Doctor Bashir, report to the Infirmary. Bashir: I'm sorry, Chief, I have to go. O'Brien: I'll get you next time, okay? Bashir: Look, about that. It's just that I guess I don't enjoy this game as much as I used to. I hope you don't mind. I'm sure you'll find another opponent. O'Brien: Where is everybody? Quark: My friendly competitor's place. A listener. So what? So he listens. I can listen. I can listen as well as anyone. What happened? O'Brien: I fell down. Quark: See? I'm listening. Nothing to it. How did you fall down? O'Brien: Playing racquetball with Bashir. Quark: Where? O'Brien: On the court, where do you think? Quark: What was the score? O'Brien: Who cares? Quark: I care. I'm listening. Tell me your problems, all of them. O'Brien: I've got no problems a good drop shot wouldn't cure. Quark: He beat you. O'Brien: Only by half a step, that's all. He's got a few years on me. So what. I've got more experience. Quark: The aging champion. O'Brien: I've got spin shots he's never even seen Quark: Versus the daring challenger. O'Brien: So I had some bad breaks. One more game. That's all I needed. Quark: Come one, come all. O'Brien: I'd've kicked him all over the court. Quark: Welcome to Quark's. O'Brien: Thanks. Quark: Don't mention it. Quark's House of Champions Kira: Damn. Sisko: Something wrong, Major? Kira: My terminal just self-destructed. Dax: What? Kira: I lost an evaluation report I've been working on for weeks. Dax: Even the backups? Kira: Even the backups. Sisko: Funny, I've been hearing a lot of bad luck stories in the last few hours. Doctor Bashir tells me the Infirmary is full of minor accidents. People slipping and falling, walking into turbolift doors before they open, that kind of thing. Dax: Well, I've had a great day so don't try to send your misfortunes my way. Kira: Come on. You make our own luck. We all know that. Kira: Ow! Martus: They all hit the jackpot at once? Is there any way I can blame this on you? Rom: I don't think so. Martus: No, I suppose not. All right, pay them all off. Quark: Challenge of the Galaxy. Match of the Century. Wonder of the Wormhole. Quark: House always takes blue. Quark: If it's action you want, you've come to the right place. Excitement? We've got it all. Thrills, spills, victory and defeat. Look no further. We've got it all. Quark: And here he is, the reigning champion of Starfleet. A legend on both sides of the wormhole. Ladies and gentlemen, Miles The Mechanic O'Brien! O'Brien: What's this all about? I got an emergency call. Bashir: So did I, but I don't see any emergency. Quark: And the challenger. He's fast, he's deadly, he's Julian Bashir. They call him the Doctor. The grudge match of the galaxy! O'Brien: Get down here! Quark: And all For a worthy cause. Yes, these noble competitors have insisted that I donate half the house's winnings to the Bajoran Fund for Orphans. O'Brien: Orphans? Quark: The Mechanic versus the Doctor. Tomorrow, twelve hundred hours. Only one will emerge victorious, so place your bets. And in the meantime, the tables are open. Bashir: This is outrageous. We haven't agreed to anything. Quark: As your exclusive promoter, I have the right to arrange matches as I see fit. Bashir: Exclusive promoter? Quark: Just sign here. O'Brien: Forget it, Quark. Quark: I understand how you feel, but think of the children. The monks have already made a down payment on new blankets for the winter. Ah well, I'm sure the little ones can huddle together for warmth. Bashir: Looks like you're going to get that rematch after all. Dax: I don't believe it. The program I found. It disappeared. Sisko: Have you checked the deep code level? Dax: No luck. It's funny, it's like the computer brought that program up at random then just swallowed it up again. Sisko: Major, are you all right. Kira: Not even a sprain, which is more than I can say for everybody else in the Infirmary. Sisko: Still crowded? Kira: Yeah. And Doctor Bashir tells me it's a whole new batch. Sisko: More minor accidents? Kira: Dozens of them. Dax: Could there be a connection between the accidents and the increase in the system failures? Kira: I didn't get hurt by a system failure. I tripped and fell. Just coincidence, that's all. Sisko: There must be a logical explanation for all of this. Maybe a virus or some kind of spatial disruption? Dax: It would have to be something that would affect both people and machinery. Sisko: Get on it. Rom: I always had smaller lobes than the rest of the boys. They used to tease me about it. Quark was the worst. He told everyone I was adopted. Martus: I just don't understand. Things were going so well. Rom: On my naming day, Quark substituted old vegetables for my presents. Then he sold the presents for more than our father had paid for them. Martus: I couldn't care less about your trivial childhood. We've been virtually abandoned, and I want to know why. Rom: A bad streak. It happens. Martus: Not to me it doesn't. I require the comfort of a compassionate soul. Roana: Don't think I didn't see through you right from the start. Martus: It's a joke. Really. Roana: Well in case you've forgotten, I still hold the lease on this place. I want you out of here by tomorrow, and take those damn things with you. Martus: But, but Martus: But Treasure! Rom: Oh, I knew no good would come of this. I never should've left Quark. What's going to happen now? Martus: I'm not sure. But I have an idea. Martus: The profits from the Club. I believe it comes to just about ten thousand Isiks. Alsia: Oh, Martus, you don't know how much this means to me. Martus: I know what it means to me. Ten times as much in return. Alsia: You won't regret this. You'll see. We'll both be rich. O'Brien: You can beat his backhand. Keep the ball low and to his left. Corner return on the serve, then kill shot left. If he returns again, high back wall And remember Keiko: Win or lose, tonight we celebrate. Miles, wait. Keiko: A silk handkerchief, medieval Japanese design, scented with my perfume. Keiko: Kick his butt. Quark: Doctor, I brought you something. A token of thanks from the monks to show how much they appreciate your participation in their little fund-raiser. Bashir: Thanks. Put it over there. Quark: Aren't you going to try some? Bashir: What is it? Quark: The monks tell me it's a medicinal brew. An ancient secret of their order. It's supposed to impart great energy and vigor. Just the kind of thing to have before an athletic competition. But you're a man of science. You probably don't believe in folk medicine. Bashir: Actually, you'd be surprised just how often traditional medicine turns out to have genuine value. Did they say was in this stuff? Quark: They didn't exactly, but I'm sure it's all completely natural. Oh, the monks said you should drink the whole thing in one gulp in order to get the proper effect. Bashir: Did they? Quark: What are you doing? Bashir: Just curious about its contents. Quark: But what about your exercises? Bashir: This won't take a second. Quark: Why bother? Don't you trust the monks? Bashir: Water, sucrose, dextrose, tribnel root extract, grain particulates, yeast, synthehol, and seventeen milligrams of hyvroxilated quint-ethyl metacetamine. Quark: Like I said, all natural. Bashir: It's an anesthetic, Quark. If I drank that, I'd hardly be able to stand, let alone play racquetball. You were trying to fix the match, weren't you. Quark: Would I do that? Bashir: If you had enough latinum bet on Chief O'Brien you would. Quark: No one's betting on Chief O'Brien. All the money's on you. If you win, there won't be any profits. And if there aren't any profits, I can't donate anything to the monks. No donations, no winter blankets for the children. But if you lose, then the house would win, and the monks would get their blankets. Bashir: Are you suggesting that I throw the match? Quark: For the children. Bashir: Forget it, Quark. Quark: But the blankets Bashir: Will be provided by you one way or another, and if the monks don't get their blankets, Chief O'Brien and I'll be very upset. Do I make myself clear? Quark: Perfectly. Bashir: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a match to play. Sisko: Kira said you'd found something. Dax: Oh, I found something all right. I just don't know what it means. Look at this. Sisko: Solar neutrinos. Dax: Notice anything unusual? Kira: There're a lot of them? Dax: The spin. Given the laws of probability, from any point of view, about half of them should be spinning clockwise and the other half counterclockwise. But over eighty percent of them are spinning clockwise. Kira: You're saying people are having accidents because of the way the neutrinos are spinning? Dax: No, but I think it's a symptom of the same problem. The neutrinos outside the station are normal, but inside the station something very strange is going on. O'Brien: Have a good game, Julian. Bashir: You too. Quark: First point, O'Brien, breaking the serve. So it begins Quark: Two zero, O'Brien. Not a rousing start for the Doctor. Martus: Where is she? Rom: Who? Martus: Alsia. She was supposed to meet me here and tell me how the bid went. Rom: I still don't think it's fair. You investing my money without asking. Martus: Your money? Rom: You promised me one quarter of the profits, but then you gave her everything we earned. Martus: I promised you a quarter of the profits after expenses. Rom: Expenses? What expenses? Martus: Operating costs, overhead, recapitalisation. Rom: That does it. Martus: Where are you going? Rom: Back to Quark. At least then I'll get cheated by family. Let's get out of here. Quark: Another bad break for Bashir. Nine three, O'Brien. O'Brien: Quark. I'm cutting the transmission. Quark: What? You can't. O'Brien: Watch me. Quark: Ladies and gentlemen, the players have called a three minute break. Betting is reopened. Three minutes. Three minutes only. Bashir: Why did you do that? O'Brien: Something's wrong here. Bashir: With me maybe, but you're having a great game. O'Brien: The best I've played my entire life. I'm making shots I couldn't have made fifteen years ago when I was playing five hours a day, every day. I can't miss. Bashir: And I can't hit the broad side of a Plygorian mammoth. O'Brien: Try throwing the ball against the wall. Bashir: It should have come straight back to me. You try. O'Brien: O'Brien to Ops. Bashir: It goes right into his hand. Every single time. O'Brien: I must have done it a dozen times by now. And I haven't missed once yet. Bashir: Nobody can be that lucky. It's impossible. Dax: Not impossible, just extremely improbable. O'Brien: Improbable? Sisko: Like the neutrinos on the station spinning the same way. Or a few dozen people having minor accidents at the same instant. Or a system failing at just the wrong time. Dax: Exactly. Someone or something on this station is distorting the laws of probability. Sisko: Changing them so incredibly unlikely things can happen on a regular basis. O'Brien: How can we find out what's causing it? Dax: I think I know a way. Dax: Ninety-eight percent of the neutrinos in this room are rotating clockwise. Martus: The games are open. Sisko: We're not here to play. Dax? Dax: One hundred percent clockwise. It's these machines. Martus: My gambling machines? What's wrong with them. Dax: Somehow these machines are altering the laws of probability all over the station. Martus: So that's what he meant. Sisko: Who? Martus: The alien who gave me the original. He said that it all came down to luck. That must be how it works. When you win, it makes you lucky, and when you lose Dax: These machines are effecting everyone on the station, whether they're playing them or not. Martus: Impossible. You must be mistaken. Sisko: Wait a minute. You said there was an original machine? Martus: Yes, a smaller one. When I opened the club I replicated these larger versions. Sisko: Larger versions. So, how do you turn them off? Martus: I'm not completely sure. Sisko: Then how did you turn them on in the first place? Martus: I didn't, exactly. I just told the replicator to scan the original and make copies. I think they have some kind of internal power source. Sisko: Lieutenant. Martus: Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing? Sisko: Now as for you. Martus: You can't possibly blame me for this, Commander. Sisko: I'd like to. Unfortunately, I don't have anything I can charge you with. Odo: Fortunately, I do. That elderly Pythron couple you assisted has had a change of heart. They've decided to press charges after all. Martus: Alsia! I knew you'd come to get me out. Odo: Inside. Martus: What's the meaning of this? Odo: Ask him. Quark: Your lady friend over here just tried to scam me. Martus: Scam? Quark: Asteroid mining. To think anyone would be foolish enough to be taken in by that old trick. But don't worry, Martus, I've come to get you out. Martus: In return for what? Quark: Nothing. Pure generosity. Martus: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Quark: Taken in by one of your own victims and no one to turn to but me? I can't remember when I've been so entertained. Martus: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. Now how about giving me two thousand Isiks to book passage out of here. Quark: You want me to give you money? Ridiculous. Of all the ungrateful arrogance. Martus: Unless you want me to stay here on the station. Quark: All right. I'll loan you five hundred Isiks. You can book passage on a cargo ship. Martus: Fifteen hundred. After all, I do have expenses. Quark: Six hundred. Martus: Twelve hundred. I still have my dignity. Quark: Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack. Rule of Acquisition number a hundred and nine. Martus: All right. Eight hundred. Quark: Go on. I'm listening.
Scene Description: Jefferson Lake Recreational Area, daytime. Stan and Cartman are in a very nice boat, playing around. Cartman stands up and shoots at imaginary opponents. Stan: Dude, you are right, Cartman. Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat. Cartman: Yeah. Isn't this fun? Just you and me hangin' out, Stan. No stupid Kyle around. Stan: Man, I wish I could really drive this thing. Cartman: You know how? Stan: Sure I do! Cartman: Well here. [reaches down to grab something] Roy keeps the keys in the glove box. Stan: Dude, I don't think your uncle'd want us driving it. Cartman: Nobody's gonna know. We just drive it around the marina real quick. Look, if anything happens, I'll take full responsibility. Stan: [reaches over and grabs the keys.] Okay, turn on the ignition, Cartman: [puts on sunglasses as the engine purrs to life] Awesome. Stan: Okay... [pulls on a handle] Cartman: We're not moving. Stan: [pulls harder. The motor creates a froth of water behind the boat, which is still in place] Cartman: Maybe you have the parking brake on. Stan: Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass! They only have the... oh wait wait. Neutral button! [presses that and the boat lunges out of its landing, spinning around a few times as it jumps another dock nearby. The boat goes forward in a haphazard manner. Both boys scream] Cartman: Other way! Other way! Stan: [pushes the handle forward again, but it breaks in his hand. He can no longer control the boat, so he and Cartman scream again, then] Jesus Christ!!! Cartman: Stan... beaver dam! [the boat approaches the dam quuickly] Very large beaver dam, Stan!! [the boat runs aground on the dam and the boys quickly jump out. The boat begins to smoke as the boys swim to the nearest shore. Stan, being lighter and faster, reaches shore first, then turns to wait for Cartman. The boat blows up and Stan shields his eyes. Cartman reaches the shore and walks up to Stan] Stan: Oh dude! Oh Jesus! Cartman: [turns around and sees] Dude! Stan! You are in serious trouble! Stan: You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy! Cartman: I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about. Stan: What? Cartman: Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail! [hustles up the beach] Stan: Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers. Cartman: [turns to look at Stan] Dude, come on! We've gotta get out of here! [Cartman turns back and continues up the beach. Stan turns and follows Cartman up] Scene Description: Splashy graphics appear as a program begins. Announcer: With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's South Park Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker Tom: Herro, crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam. [the Marshes are shown eating off small folding tables with dinners on them and looking at the TV] Earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives. [a helicopter camera catches the flooding] Sharon: Oh my gosh, those poor people. Field reporter: Tom, I'm currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating. Tom: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch? [Stan has stopped eating. Sharon and Shelly continue.] Mitch: W-we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism. Tom: My God, you've, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other? Mitch: No, no, we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it. Scene Description: The Marsh living room Sharon: [rises and begins to pick up the spent trays] You all done with your fishsticks, Stan? Randy: [rises and takes his own tray up] I'll help you, Sharon. [looks at the screen] Boy, that's just awful. Tom: In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated. Man 1: That's right! We know whose fault this is! Stan: Huh oh. [puts his hands to his cheeks. Shelly gives him a funny look] Man 1: It's George Bush's fault! Man 2: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers! Chet: George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al Qaeda! Man 3: They've been secretly building beaver dam WMDs for years now! [a few other voices rise up to mention WMDs] Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, later on. Randy is washing dishes, Sharon is drying them off. Stan appears at the kitchen entrance. Stan: Mom, Dad? [hesitating] The, they're gonna go help those people, right? Sharon: I don't know. You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should've done something about that dam years ago. Randy: Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? Think this whole thing is really their fault. Stan: Ye-but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their, their rooftops, right? Randy: That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is. [nothing more is exchanged between Stan and his parents] Scene Description: South Park Elementary School, next day. The kids gather to enter the school. Scene Description: The school hall. Cartman is putting a blue folder away in his locker. Stan approaches. Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night? Cartman: Yeah. Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs? Cartman: Shyeah, that was pretty funny. Stan: Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!! That was our fault! Cartman: Hehey, no! We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?! That's their fault! Stan: But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them! Cartman: Well they should've gotten out of there! Stan: Maybe they couldn't get out! Cartman: We did! Stan: Dude, ah I just... [walks around in a fog of worry] ah I don't know what to do here. Cartman: Ah ah ah, ah, I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking, you're gonna go tell Kyle. Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat! He has his Jew ethics while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this! Kyle: [walks up behind Stan] Hey dudes. [Stan stands to one side so he can see Kyle clearly] Cartman: Oh hey, Kyle. Kyle: Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What'd you guys do? Stan: [looks at Cartman, then] Nothing. Cartman: [smiling proudly] Hngh, totally. Butters: [appearing] Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton! [the other kids present in the hall follow Butters away. Kyle goes as well.] Cartman: [throws down his cap] Aw crap! Scene Description: The school cafeteria. Mr. Mackey stands next to a TV, and Principal Victoria goes up to join him. The kids are chatty. Mr. Mackey: Quiet, children, quiet! We need to hear. Tom: At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break, but now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming! [everyone gasps. A new graphic appears onscreen - a globe] It now appears that... all rumors of global warming were true. We were warned this would happen and ...we didn't listen! [buries his face in his hands in anguish] We didn't listen! [composes himself] All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting. Scene Description: The Governor's office, day. Randy addresses his peers in a meeting room. Randy: Ladies and Gentlemen, if Global Warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning. The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen. [excited voices fill the room] Geologist 1: Excuse me, sir, but, ...when? When is this going to happen? Randy: My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but... we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!"] Geologist 2: [an elderly gent] Excuse me, I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor uh, Marsh, but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists. Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?! Randy: With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!" The double doors open] Scientist 1: Listen! Listen! We've finished running the tests! Scientist 2: Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow. Randy: [alarmed] Oh my God... That's today! [a few seconds of silence, then all the geologists begin to panic. Papers fly around the room as most of the geologists run outside.] Scene Description: Grocery Mart. The shoppers there begin to panic. News does spread fast. Scene Description: The town. Everyone panics. Some shoppers run through town with shopping carts of food. Scene Description: The school. Everyone clear out. Man 5: [runs by in front of the school] We didn't listen! Randy: [pulls up in the family car, with everybody else already inside] Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate! Man 6: [runs by in front of the camera] We didn't listen! [Wendy and her father run by, Anne and her mother run by.] Scene Description: A highway, bumper to bumper traffic on the way out. A lot of drivers beep their horns hoping other drivers in front of them start moving. Randy: [beeping his own horn] Come onnn, come on! Sharon: It's useless. This traffic isn't moving! Stan: Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I, I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all. Randy: No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems. Driver: We didn't listen! Randy: [hears this and rolls down his window] We, we didn't listen! [rolls up his window] Come on! Everyone grab what you can! We have to walk! [the Marshes get out the car, carrying what they can, and leave the highway. In town the looting continues. An elderly man carrying a TV comes into view...] Man 7: [drops the TV and points] Oh Jesus, here it comes! Man 8: Global warming! [everyone runs away from whatever the man was pointing to, and soon the street is empty.] Man 9: [in the middle of the crowd] It's coming! Here comes global warming! Man 10: We didn't listen! [a camera in the sky begins to act the part of Global Warming as it focuses on a man and zooms in on him. The man turns and freezes in his tracks. The POV changes to a camera on the sidewalk watching the man's reactions. The man turns over a few times and stops moving, but no other camera is seen] Randy: [moving along with his family] Come on, hurry! [the panicking crowd overtakes them] Man 11: It's right behind us! [the Marshes stop to let the crowd through, then start moving again. The crowd returns and passes them again in the opposite direction] It's coming the other way! [the Marshes stop, then run back the way they came] Randy: Go back, go back!! Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, day. Stephen Stotch stands at the entrance urging people inside. Stephen: Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go! Randy: [arrives to lend a hand] Get inside! We have to close these doors! [everyone for miles around comes and fills up the center. Again, the Global Warming camera focuses on the entrance and floats its way towards it. The last two people around, Stephen and Randy, close the doors just before the camera gets there.] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Randy has taken command of global warming preparations. Randy: Come on, we've got to board up that last window! Seal off all the doorways! We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming. Sheila: Mr. Garrison, are you all right? Mrs. Garrison: I'm in pretty bad shape. My... leg is broken and my... left boob is leaking Sharon: [arrives with a blanket to wrap around Stan, who has a cot to sleep in, and is seated on it] Here you go, sweetheart. Stan: Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood. Sharon: I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now. Gerald: Shh, shh! We've got the television working! [one of two TVs in front of the crowd comes to life] Announcer: This is a FOX News update! Global Warming Disaster! Anchor: Global warming appears to have struck as predicted in the Colorado Rockies! All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in! Field reporter: Tom, I am standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths. Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people Officer Barbrady: Oh God. Stephen: [turns around in anger] This is all your fault, Jimbo! Jimbo: Me?? Stephen: Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around! You didn't even think about global warming, DIDJA?! Kyle: [with a cup of water, approaches Stan] Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen. Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming. Kyle: Huh? Stan: [hops off his cot] Global warming isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood. Kyle: How do you know that? Stan: Because, I know what did cause the flood. Kyle: George Bush? Stan: No. Kyle: Terrorists? Stan: No. Kyle: Communists? Stan: No. Kyle: Chinese radicals? Stan: No. Kyle: ...Cartman? Stan: ...sort of. Kyle: [throws down his cup] Cartman flooded Beaverton?!! Stan: [pulls him aside to a more private area] Shh! Not, not exactly. We were messing around in this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam. Kyle: [thinks a bit] Dude, you have to tell everyone. Right now. Cartman: [arrives] Hey Stan. [studies Stan and Kyle's faces] Oh Goddammit you told Kyle, didn't you?! Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside. Cartman: Oh, here we go. See? I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?! Stan: Look, maybe, maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves. Kyle: How? Cartman: Why? Stan: We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it. Randy: [addressing the crowd] Listen, listen everyone! Nobody can leave this building! Mrs. Garrison: But... we need supplies, food, silicone. Randy: You go outside, and you'll die! By now, the global warming has... shifted the climate, [steps up to a laptop and presses a key. A rotating graph appears, with the graph line dipping low] bringing on a new ice age. Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero! Stephen: Jesus. Randy: All we can do... is try to wait it out, as long as we can. Gerald: And... the rest of the country? Randy: [sighs as he moves from the laptop to the blackboard and pulls out a marker] Everyone below this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and New Mexico to West Virginia] will have to be evacuated to the south. Everyone above this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and Montana to Lake Erie] is already dead. People like us in the middle states have to ride it out. [draws two lines connecting the two longer lines, around Indiana] The balmy southwestern states [draws an open circle around Arizona, most of New Mexico, California and Nevada] might have a chance but, New York [draws a short line around it] will have tidal waves that envelop all of the northeast. [the crowd looks at it for a long time, then a man puts his hand to his mouth and starts chuckling] What, Frank?! [Frank points at the inadvertent phallus Randy drew on the map. Randy looks and realizes what he did] Aw awww, Goddammit! [goes to scribble all over the map so the dong isn't so noticeable.] Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, and in the background, the shattered dam and empty lake. Resident 1: Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now. Resident 2: Why haven't they come for us? Resident 1: I... I don't know. Resident 3: Wait, look! Here comes a boat! Resident 2: Really? Oh! It's about time! Wife: Oh Kevin, we're saved! [buries her face in his shoulder] Resident 3: It looks like... three little boys. Resident 1: Hey, we'll take it! [they all start waving their arms] Over here, yes! Thank you! Thank you! [the boys appear, going backwards and screaming. They head for Beaverton Oil, a refinery nearby, and crash into it. The boys fall out of the boat and into the water, then pop up right away. Oil begins to pour out of pipes the boat broke upon crashing, and fire follows the oil. The oil slick rushes past the flooded homes, with fire riding it, and a wall of flames rises up] Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a LOT better. Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, inside. The boys turn to watch the boat burn. Kyle: We can't get out! The flames are too big! Cartman: [turns around and heads towards Stan] Oh great! You see, Stan?! This is what you get for listening to Kyle! [Kyle turns and looks at him] "Oh, you've gotta help those people. It's your responsibility." Kyle: [walks towards Stan] Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so our parents can help us! [Stan looks down, unsure what to do] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Preparations are ongoing. Randy: Stan?? Stan!! Gerald: Randy! We've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing too! Sharon: Oh my God! Where would they go?! Stephen: [on the public phone] Randy, Randy! Your son's on the phone! Randy: [gets to the phone and takes the receiver from Stephen] Stan?? Stan: Uh, hey Dad. Randy: Stan, you're alive! Stan: Dad, we're, we're trapped in Beaverton, We're, we were trying to save everyone! Randy: Stan, you must listen to me! You must stay indoors! Do not try to go out! Global warming has brought in a new ice age! Stan: No, Dad, listen: I need to tell you something. Randy: What is it, son? Stan: Nothing. Can you just come get us, please? Randy: You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you! Do you hear me?? I'm coming for you!! [hangs up the phone and struggles with his emotions, then grabs his coat and scarf and bundles up] Mr. Mackey: Randy, wheh-where are you going? Randy: I'm going to Beaverton. Tom: [Craig's father] You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death! Randy: My son is counting on me! Gerald: I'm going with you. Randy: You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death! Gerald: You can't do this alone! Stephen: Let me go too. Man 12: You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death. Randy: All right, come on, both of you! We've gotta pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find. Scene Description: South Park, day. If there's an ice age now, it certainly doesn't show. Randy, Gerald and Stephen are much too warmly dressed. They walk through town chain-gang style. Randy leads the men forward and takes a deep breath. Stephen collapses at the back end of the chain. Gerald and Randy spin around. Gerald: Stephen! [Stephen mumbles but can't get up] Stephen, you have to keep moving! Stephen: I can't go on! Feel so... hot. Randy: Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia! Gerald: Oh Jesus... [looking woozy] I feel warm too! Randy: Yeah, me too. [walks around Gerald] Stephen, we've gotta keep moving! We're in deep hypothermia, all of us! We've gotta keep the blood flowing! [bends down to help Stephen up] Gerald: Maybe we should... strip these jackets off, and warm our bodies next to each other! Randy: Don't be a fag! [turns around] Come on! We can make it! [the men move forward again] We have to try! Scene Description: The Pentagon, day. General: Come on, people, we're running out of time! We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation NOW! Officer: Sir! More people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now. General: Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry. You know the plan, people! We can only evacuate citizens below this line! [the very line Randy mentioned] Scientist: E-excuse me, General? General: WHAT?? Scientist: We've just compiled some new information. The er, the flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all. General: What?? Scientist: We know the truth now. We know what caused it! [hands the general a photo. The general looks at it and his eyes grow big] General: Oh my God. Quick! Radio the helicopters! Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, but now there is fire as well. Almost every building is in frames, as is the town sign. Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys wander around. Cartman: Help! Help! [a large drum falls from the ceiling in front of Kyle] Kyle: Dude, this whole building is going to collapse! Stan: We have to find a way out! [the boys start climbing the metal stairs] Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The army helicopters start showing up. The general leads the rescue effort. General: [through his bullhorn] Don't worry, everyone. The government is here to save you. [the helicopters hover above the homes and drop rope ladders down] Resident 1: Oh wow, thank you so much! What a swift and speedy rescue! Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys climb up further. Stan: Come on! We've gotta get to the roof! [another drom falls near Kyle, shearing off the stairs they just climbed. Kyle falls on his ass and gets up] Kyle: Oh Jesus, we have to hurry! Stan: [stops before an opening in the wall, where he sees sky and...] It's- it's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone! [Kyle and Cartman are on a landing below. Kyle tries to catch up to Stan, but Cartman blocks his way] Cartman: Not so fast, Kyle. Kyle: What are you doing? Cartman: Hand over the gold! Kyle: What gold?? Cartman: You know what I'm talkng about! Kyle: No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about! Cartman: All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks! Hand it over! Stan: [drops down a few steps and calls] Guys, come on! [goes back up the stairs] Kyle: Jews do NOT carry gold in a little bag around their necks.Cartman! Stop playing around! Cartman: [pulls out a 9 mm handgun, hopefully fake.] I'm not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty! Give me your Jew gold now! Kyle: Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes! We're gonna die! Cartman: Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold! The decision is yours, Kyle! Kyle: Goddamnit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman! Whattaya want from me?! Cartman: I want... your Jew gold! [Kyle has run out of things to say and stands there. Cartman glowers at him, ready to fire the gun if he moves] Kyle: ...Okay, fine! Here! [opens his coat and pulls out a small black bag, and hands it to Cartman] Now let's go! Cartman: [moves the bag around for heaviness] Do you think I'm stupid?! I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe! Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!! [Kyle, angered at this delaying tactic, pulls out another small bag from under his coat and walks over to Cartman. Cartman laughs evilly as Kyle approaches. Kyle smiles an evil smile back and tosses the second bag over his shoulder and into the fire below. Cartman rushes over to grab it, but doesn't get there in time Kyle rushes up the stairs at the other end of the landing] No! Noooooo! [watches the fire] Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, roof. A helicopter hovers over a roof opening. Stan and Kyle climb out of the building and head towards the helicopter, and climb on. Cartman climbs out of the building as the helicopter takes off. Cartman: Hey! Wait up, you assholes! God! [runs up to the platform and jumps on. The helicopter flies off] Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Everyone sits and waits. Mr. Mackey: Hey, look everybody! Helicopters! [a few people move forward to catch a glimpse though a crack among the boards nailed against the entrance] Sharon: They, they've got the boys! Tom: Global warming must be over! Man 13: We made it! [the crowd cheers, "We made it! Yeah! Woohoo"] Scene Description: South Park, outside. Three helicopters touch down in the middle of South Park Av. and drop off the Beaverton residents as well as the boys. The mothers approach. Sharon: Stanley! [stands next to him and goes down on one knee.] Sheila: Kyle! [Randy, Gerald, and Stephen are still sprawled on the ground nearby.] Randy: [raises his head] Stan? [turns to the other two men] We've found Stan! Ugh. [faints again] Mr. Mackey: So does, does this mean the storm is past. Global warming's over? General: Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is. [The boys look up. Stan is a little worried.] It was... [pulls out the picture he was handed earlier, and it's a crab person] Crab people! Crowd: Ohhhh. Theme: Crab People, Crab People, Taste like- Stan: [steps forward] Stop it! Stop it!! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple! It's MY fault. I broke the dam. [the crowd falls silent for a few seconds] Cartman: ...Aw man. Sharon: [steps forward] Stanley. You? Man 14: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying... we all broke the dam. ' Stan: No. I broke the dam. Woman 1: I broke the dam. Man 15: I broke the dam. Man 16: I broke the dam. Stan: No. I broke the dam. Woman 2: And I broke the dam. Man 17: I broke the dam. Cartman: [steps forward] Hehe, I broke the dam. Hehe. Man 18: I broke the dam. Woman 3: I broke the dam. Stan: [annoyed that his admission isn't taking hold, adds emphasis] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it. Man 19: I broke the dam. Man 20: [deep voice] I broke the dam. Man 21: I broke the dam. Man 22: I broke the dam. Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam! Man 23: I broke the dam. Man 24: I broke the dam. Stan: I literally broke the dam! Man 25: I broke the dam. Man 26: I broke the dam. Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine! Man 27: I broke the dam. Man 28: I broke the dam. Stan: I kept it secret, for two days! Man 29: I broke the dam. Man 30: I broke the dam. Stan: The boat caught on fire, and it exploded! Man 31: I broke the dam. Man 32: I broke the dam. Stan: Ohhh, fuck it!
Picard: Captain's log, stardate 47304.2. The Enterprise has arrived at Kesprytt Three in order to evaluate an unusual request on the part of the Kes for associate membership in the Federation. Crusher: This morning she was fifteen minutes late. That's the third time this week. Jean-Luc, you don't have the slightest idea what I'm talking about, do you. Picard: No. I'm really sorry. I don't. Crusher: I've been telling you about Nurse Ogawa and Ensign Markson for the last fifteen minutes. Picard: You have? I'm really sorry. Crusher: Are you worried about this mission with the Kes? Picard: Not worried exactly. This notion of admitting half of their planet to the Federation while leaving the other half out. Crusher: First of all, the Kes are not half the planet, they're nearly three quarters of it. And the Prytt are not being left out. They themselves simply don't want to have contact with anyone from the outside. not the Federation or anyone else. Picard: Every member of the Federation entered as a unified world, and that unity said something about them. That they had resolved certain social and political differences and they were now ready to become part of a larger community. Crusher: By all indications, the Kes are a very unified, very progressive people. Picard: But the Prytt are not. They are reclusive to the point of xenophobia. Crusher: Well, think about Earth. What if one of the old nation states, say Australia, had decided not to join the World Government in twenty one fifty? Would that have disqualified us as a Federation member? Picard: That analogy is not exactly Riker: Riker to Captain. Picard: Go ahead, Number One. Riker: We've received word from Ambassador Mauric. He's ready to see you and Doctor Crusher. Picard: Inform him we're on our way. Thank you for breakfast. Crusher: Wait until tomorrow. I have something very special planned. It's a Vulcan dish. That's all I'll say. Worf: Captain. Doctor. I have the coordinates of Ambassador Mauric's chambers. Picard: Let's not keep them waiting, Mister Worf. Worf: Enterprise to Kes Security Relay Station One. We're ready to commence transport. Kes: Acknowledged, Enterprise. We have lowered our defense shield. Worf: Confirmed. Picard: Energize. Kes: This is Security Relay Station One. We are ready to receive your Captain and Medical Officer. Worf: This is the Enterprise. We have completed the transport sequence. You should have them. Kes: Negative, Enterprise. They are not here. Picard: Beverly. Beverly. Crusher: What happened? Picard: I don't know. Crusher: The last thing I remember we were beginning to transport. Picard: I would assume we must be on Kesprytt. We're in some kind of prison cell. The question is, why? I can't imagine that Ambassador Mauric would have any reason to detain us. Crusher: Jean-Luc. Picard: What is it? Crusher: Let me see. Picard: What? Crusher: It looks like an implant. It seems to be connected directly to the brainstem. Picard: Some kind of coercive device? Crusher: Whatever it is I doubt it's designed for our health. Picard: What is going on here? Crusher: If you tell us why you've taken us hostage, we might be able to Lorin: You are not hostages. You are prisoners. Picard: Prisoners on whose authority? Lorin: You are being held under the authority of the Prytt Security Ministry. The charges are conspiring with the enemy. Picard: Enemy? You mean the Kes. Lorin: We're not fools. We are aware of the Federation attempt to establish a military alliance with the Kes. It will not be tolerated. Picard: Your information is incorrect. We have no plans to enter into any Lorin: There is no point in trying to mislead us, Captain. The devices which have been implanted in your cerebral cortexes will soon be calibrated to your psi-wave pattern. At that time, we will be able to get all the information we need. Picard: And then you'll discover that we're telling the truth. Lorin: We shall see. Data: There is nothing wrong with the transporter. I have run a complete diagnostic of all the targeting components. Riker: Then what happened to the Captain and Doctor Crusher? Worf: Commander. The Transporter sensor log shows an unusual concentration of antigraviton particles in the emitter coil. Data: A concentration of antigraviton particles suggests a tractor beam. It might have deflected the transporter beam to a different set of coordinates. Riker: Is there a way to locate those coordinates? Data: The tractor beam originated somewhere in the Prytt Alliance. Worf: Why does the Prytt want Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher? Riker: I don't know. And it's not going to be easy to find out. The Prytt have consistently refused all outside contact. We're going to have to work through the Kes. Contact Ambassador Mauric. Tell him I want a meeting right now. Worf: Aye, sir. Picard: What? Crusher: What? Picard: You're staring at me. Crusher: I was just thinking about how to get out of here. Picard: There may be a structural flaw that would allow us to escape. Crusher: Right. Picard: Beverly, the important thing during any confinement is to think positively and not give up hope. There is a way out of every box, there is a solution to every puzzle. It's just a matter of finding it. Picard: Damn. Crusher: Well, at least this means we won't starve to death. Picard: It means they plan on keeping us here for a while. Crusher: I'm beginning to think negatively, Jean-Luc. Crusher: My tricorder! Picard: Does it work? Crusher: Yes. Except something's been added to the main directory. Picard: It's a map. Crusher: An escape route. That guard must be working for the Kes. Picard: Possibly. Or it could be part of a very carefully laid trap. Crusher: If you ask me, I'd like to take my chances out there. Picard: Agreed. Is there a way to open the cell door? Crusher: Yes, the code's been entered. Mauric: Commander, on behalf of my government, I would like to take this opportunity to present my profound apologies regarding this unfortunate incident. Riker: That's very kind, Ambassador. But I don't think anyone here holds you or the Kes government responsible for what's happened. Troi: Our primary concern is not to assign blame, but to recover our missing officers. Mauric: I agree. We are prepared to insert a hostage rescue team into the Prytt capital city on three hours notice. Riker: Ambassador, we have not even attempted a diplomatic effort yet. I would rather not use force until we've exhausted all other options. Mauric: I don't believe there is any diplomatic option, Commander. We have no formal relations with the Prytt. No ambassadors. There's simply no way to contact them. Troi: Surely you must have some means of communication in case of a planetary emergency. Mauric: We have never had need of such a system. Worf: We can determine their communications frequencies and establish a link. Mauric: Allow me to be blunt. The Prytt are a fanatical, xenophobic people, with little regard for civilized discourse. Even if you do establish communications link with them, it will be a complete waste of time. Troi: How long has it been since your last diplomatic contact? Mauric: Almost a century. Troi: Then it's possible they may have changed over the years. Mauric: We have had other less formal contacts with the Prytt. Contacts we cannot discuss. But I can assure you, they have changed very little. Riker: With all due respect, Ambassador, I think I should try to communicate with the Prytt before I sanction the use of force. Mauric: Of course, Commander. In the meantime, I will continue making preparations for a rescue attempt. Riker: Agreed. Mauric: I do have one request. We believe that the Prytt obtained their information about the transport of your captain and doctor through a breach in our communications network. If I could set up a base of operations here on the Enterprise, I'd feel much more secure. Riker: Mister Worf will help you. Mauric: Thank you, Lieutenant. Mauric: You first. Worf: Is there a problem, Ambassador? Mauric: Probably not. Simply securing the area. Worf: I can assure you there is no need. Mauric: I'm sure you're right. Yes, this will do very nicely. Worf: As Security Chief of the Enterprise, I would be glad to assist you in any way possible. Mauric: There's no need. We'll take care of everything. Thank you, Lieutenant. Picard: There must be a lava flow or a underground hot spring somewhere near here. Crusher: It's a lava flow. It's about thirty meters below us. It says we should go this way. I smell gas. Crusher: This whole chamber is filled with pockets of a methanogenic compound. Picard: Can we get through it? Crusher: I think so. Picard: What did you say? Crusher: I didn't say anything. There might be a fairly regular pattern to these eruptions. We should be able to navigate out way through them if we're careful. Picard: Say when. Crusher: Now. Picard: The eruptions have stopped. Crusher: The gas is building up! Data: I have scanned the entire Prytt communications system. This appears to be the primary access module for the central government. Riker: Can you determine which of the comm. links is connected to the Prime Minister's office? Data: I believe so, sir. However, the Prytt have no link designed for extraterritorial communication. Our hail may come as a quite surprise to them. Riker: Well, they're going to have to adjust. Open a channel. Prytt: This is Prime Minister Horath's headquarters. How can I be of service? Riker: This is Commander William T. Riker, Federation starship Enterprise. I know this may seem an unusual way Prytt: The Enterprise? You mean the ship in orbit? Riker: That's right. Prytt: Why are you on this comm. link? Riker: We're having trouble contacting your government directly. We had to start somewhere. If you would let me talk to your Prytt: Did you get authorisation for this communication from the Security Ministry? Riker: As I said, we're having trouble contacting you Prytt: I cannot participate in an unauthorized communication. This transmission is terminated. Riker: Not very friendly, are they? Data: No, sir. Worf: Sir, we are being hailed. It is the Prytt Security Council. Riker: Well, it looks like we got someone's attention. On screen. Lorin: Enterprise, this is Security Minister Lorin. You will immediately cease all attempts at communication with our people. Riker: Minister, we've been attempting to contact someone in your government. It appears that you have detained two of our officers. We would like to discuss the situation. Lorin: There is nothing to discuss. If you do not terminate these transmissions, we will be forced to take aggressive action against your ship. Worf: Their weapon systems pose no threat to the Enterprise. Riker: Just the same, let's keep the shields up for the time being. Worf: Aye, sir. Mauric: Is there a problem, Commander? Riker: Our efforts with the Prytt just ran into a wall. Mauric: I'm sorry. But perhaps this will brighten your spirits. We have freed your Captain and doctor. Riker: What? Mauric: They were being held in prison just outside the Prytt capital. One of our operatives was able to arrange their escape. Worf: Where are they now? Mauric: Well, they should be en route to the Kes border. Our operative provided them with a detailed map and instructions on where to go. Riker: How will you get them across the border? Mauric: At the moment, that information is confidential, but trust us, we do have a plan. Riker: Ambassador, I'm afraid I must insist that you provide us with more information. Mauric: I understand your concern, of course, but I would feel more comfortable discussing these operational details in a less public environment. Riker: Certainly. We can step into the Ready room. Mauric: I would prefer the quarters you provided me. They're safer. Riker: All right. Picard: There's no way out of here. Crusher: Maybe we took a wrong turn. Crusher: So am I. Picard: What? Crusher: I'm thirsty too. Picard: I didn't say anything about being thirsty. Crusher: I heard you. You said, I'm very thirsty. Picard: I was thinking about it, but I didn't say anything. Crusher: You were thinking it? Picard: The transceivers. Lorin said that they would align themselves to our psi-wave patterns. Crusher: The implants must be transmitting our thoughts. What am I thinking? Picard: I don't know. Crusher: I can't hear your thoughts, either. Maybe it was a fluke. Picard: Well, right now we have more immediate concerns. Does your map show us a way out of here? Crusher: Yes, we need to go up. Crusher: There's a ledge about thirty meters up. That should lead to another tunnel that connects up to the surface. Picard: Right. Picard: I heard that. They were not words exactly. A sudden sense of fear. A sense of fear of heights. Crusher: So much for that being a fluke. Picard: It was a strange sensation. Suddenly having these thoughts appear in my mind. Crusher: If you sensed a fear of heights, you sensed pretty accurately. Picard: Come on, you've done this before. It's just like on a holodeck. One step at a time, just climbing steadily and slowly. Crusher: Right. Riker: I see you've done some redecorating. Mauric: Just a few pieces of equipment necessary for security reasons. You understand? Riker: Certainly. Aide: He is all right. Riker: How do you plan to get our people out of Prytt territory? Mauric: You must realize that everything I'm about to say cannot leave this room. For some time, we have had certain friends among the Prytt. Citizens who realize that the long struggle between our two peoples can only end when the Prytt government is made to see reason. Riker: You've recruited a few Prytt spies. Mauric: That's a crude, but accurate term. These friends will be waiting for your Captain and Doctor when they reach the village of Ohn Kor near the Kes border. The map we provided your officers will take them to a tavern there. Riker: Forgive me, Ambassador, but is it wise to send two human fugitives in Starfleet uniforms into a Prytt village? Mauric: The danger is minimal. Our operatives control almost the whole village. Once contact has been made with Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher, our friends will escort them across the border into Kes. Riker: I would still feel better if they could rendezvous with your operatives in a less public place. Mauric: Commander, I assure you we know what we're doing. We've had a great deal of experience dealing with the Prytt. We'd hardly risk the safety of your people. After all, we still hope you will recommend our entrance into the Federation. Picard: One of us is hungry. Crusher: That would be me. Picard: Do you mind thinking of something else. You're making me hungry. Crusher: What do you want me to think about? Picard: Something other than a large bowl of vegetable soup. Crusher: My grandmother used to make it, with peas, carrots and Picard: Beverly! Crusher: I'm sorry. Picard: I am not being unreasonable. Crusher: I didn't say that you were. I may have thought it, but there's a difference. Picard: You're right. We can't react to every random thought that crosses the other person's mind. Isn't astonishing, though, how much clutter there is in a consciousness. Odd memories coming to the surface. Bits of half-remembered songs. Crusher: Stray day dreams, scattered minutiae. I wonder how true telepaths sift through it all. How can they really get to what someone's thinking if the minds keeps churning all this flotsam to the surface? That is not funny. Picard: I just wanted to see if you were still listening. Crusher: I think our link is getting stronger. Picard: Maybe if we put some distance between us, that might weaken it. Not that I'm growing tired of hearing your most intimate thoughts. Crusher: Certainly not. Crusher: Jean-Luc. Picard: What happened? Crusher: I was suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea. Picard: Me, too. Crusher: There's nothing wrong with either of us. Maybe the air is toxic. Picard: The same thing. But when you moved back toward me it got better. Well, it seems as if we're stuck with each other. Picard: What is it? Crusher: I'm not sure whether we should go over this hill or that one. The topography on this map is a little vague. Picard: Let me see. This way. Crusher: You don't really know, do you? Picard: What? Crusher: I mean, you're acting like you know exactly which way to go, but you're only guessing. Do you do this all the time? Picard: No, but there are times when it is necessary for a captain to give the appearance of confidence. Crusher: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just couldn't resist. Picard: I'm beginning to realize that you seem to always have some acerbic remark on the tip of your tongue. Crusher: Well at least I've trained myself not to say it anymore. When I was a little girl, my mouth was always landing me in trouble with my parents, my teachers. Picard: Your friends. There was someone called Tom Norris? Crusher: That's right. I had one date with him which I brought to an abrupt halt with the words, is that a beard or Both: Is your face dirty? Picard: There's something more. You're laughing, but actually you're embarrassed by that incident. Crusher: Yes. I thought I was being cute but I really hurt him. That was a long time ago. I learned a valuable lesson. Picard: This sharing of thoughts and feelings is quite compelling. Crusher: Very. We'd better get going. Crusher: I don't think so, either. Maybe we can find another way to reach the village. Picard: No. It's several kilometers to find another way around that ridge. The border is just two kilometers east of here. There's a forcefield protecting it, but we can find some way to deal with that when we get there. Come on. Aide: All right. Riker: Is something wrong? Mauric: Have a seat. Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher didn't show up at the designated rendezvous point. Riker: Do you know what happened to them? Mauric: No. We have no idea what happened to them. We find it strange that your officers should follow the escape plan so precisely and then fail to make the crucial rendezvous with our operatives. Worf: It is possible they have been recaptured. Mauric: Our sources would have informed us instantly if that had happened. Of course, if they weren't captured, if they simply made a different rendezvous, we might not ever know about it. Riker: A different rendezvous? I'm not sure I know what you mean. Mauric: Of course not. How could you know if your Captain and Doctor were meeting secretly with the Prytt? Meeting in order to set up a military alliance with the Federation. Riker: What? Mauric: It was a clever scheme. First, you pretend to lose your officers during transport, then you ask us for help and get us to expose several of our undercover operatives in the process. But what you didn't expect was for us to get your people out of prison so quickly. They needed more time. They needed more time to plot the destruction of the Kes with their new Prytt friends. Riker: This is ridiculous. You're beginning to see conspiracies everywhere. We were invited here by the Kes. Why would we ally ourselves with the Prytt? Mauric: Indeed, why? Riker: You can believe what you like. We're going to find our people with or without your help. Mauric: Then I believe it's time for us to be leaving the Enterprise. Riker: Fine. Make sure you take all this junk with you. Picard: No luck? Crusher: I'm beginning to think there's not a single thing on this planet we can eat. Picard: Well, by this time tomorrow we could be back on the Enterprise and you can plant yourself in front of a replicator with a knife and fork. Crusher: Remember that Vulcan dish I promised you for breakfast? I was just. You hate having breakfast with me. Picard: That's not true. Crusher: Yes, it is. When I said breakfast, I heard you say, I hate that. Picard: That's not quite what I meant. Crusher: Well, then what did you mean? Picard: It's just that I don't like Crusher: What I've been choosing for breakfast recently. Picard: You see, I think that breakfast should be a simple meal and recently you've been ordering these elaborate things. Crusher: Coffee and croissants, that's all you really want, isn't it? Coffee and croissants. Well why didn't you just say so? Picard: I didn't think it was important. You don't like those elaborate meals either. Crusher: No, I usually prefer something simple myself but I thought you might enjoy more variety. Well, I guess it's Coffee and croissants for both of us from now on. Both: I love firelight. Picard: There's something about the flame, the smell of the smoke. It's always seemed to me to be intoxicating, somehow. Crusher: I remember when Jack and I took Wesley on his first camping trip to Balfour Lake. Wesley kept throwing manta leaves in the fire, watching them pop. Jack kept telling him. What? Jean-Luc, I heard you. Don't push it away. When I said Jack and I, I felt this sudden wave of something. I didn't know you felt that way. Picard: Didn't you? Crusher: I guess I always knew that there was an attraction between us right from the start, but I never knew how strongly you felt. Why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me? Picard: You were married to my best friend. At first I thought it was harmless infatuation. Something hormonal rather than emotional. Crusher: Then when the months went by and the three of us began spending more time together. Picard: I realized that it was something else, and it wasn't right. But although I would never act on it, I couldn't help the way I felt. Crusher: And when Jack died you felt guilty. Picard: I felt guilty before he died> Having feelings like that for my best friend's wife. And then later, after the accident, I promised myself that I would never tell you know how I felt. It would be like betraying my friend Crusher: That's why you didn't want me on the Enterprise seven years ago. Picard: I didn't know how I would react. And then, little by little, I realized that I didn't have those feelings any more. Twenty years is, after all, a long time. Crusher: And now we're friends. Picard: Yes, friends. Crusher: Well, we still have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. We should get some sleep. Picard: Right. Riker: Ambassador, thank you for coming. Mauric: Commander. Riker: We're going to clear up this misunderstanding once and for all. Hail Minister Lorin, please. Worf: Aye, sir. Lorin: Enterprise, I have warned you about these unauthorized communications. Riker: Yes, I know, but I think it's about time we all sat down together and tried to work this out. I have Ambassador Mauric here Lorin: That is your misfortune. We have nothing to say to either of you. Mauric: Commander, you're working with the Prytt. Putting on this little show for my benefit does neither of us any good. Riker: We'll see. Mister Worf. Riker: I believe there's someone waiting for us in the Observation Lounge. Lorin: I should have known that anyone willing to deal with the Kes would be capable of such an outrage. Riker: I'm sorry to resort to such drastic measures, Minister, but you left me little choice. Mauric: Don't pretend the two of you are enemies. It's too late for charades. Lorin: If that is an attempt to hide your military alliance with the Federation, you needn't bother. I already know far more than you can imagine. Riker: Let's all just sit down and try to talk about what's happened to Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher. Lorin: I will not sit at a table with him. Mauric: No more than I would sit with her. Riker: All right then, we'll stand. The important thing is that we start talking. Lorin: I am not authorized to talk with a Kes official. Riker: All right then, you talk to me. Where are my officers? Mauric: As if you don't already know. Crusher: Let's go. Picard: I'm all right. Lorin: We are already aware of your plan to use Federation technology to build new attack satellites. You will find that we are prepared for them. Mauric: That is an interesting but pointless lie. I'd rather discuss your own plans to use Federation aid to stage a takeover of Kolrod Island. Lorin: We have been over this before. Kolrod clearly belongs to the Prytt who originally Riker: That's it! I can see that diplomacy is not going to get us anywhere today, and I do not have time for to negotiate. So let's put all of our cards on the table. You're concerned the Kes are going to be admitted to the Federation. Lorin: Correct. Riker: As First Officer of the Enterprise I think I can promise you that's not going to happen. The Kes will be denied membership. Mauric: You have no authority to make that decision. Despite whatever games you played with the Prytt when you arrived, we still plan to take our petition directly to the Federation Council. They'll listen Riker: They will also listen to the reports of the Captain of the Enterprise and his First Officer. And I can tell you right now the First Officer's report will go something like this. Kesprytt, a deeply troubled world with social, political, and military problems they have yet to resolve. The Kes, while a friendly and democratic people, are driven by suspicion, deviousness, and paranoia. It is the opinion of this officer they are not ready for membership. Now, the matter of our missing officers. Lorin: They are still charged with spying, Commander. I have heard nothing here which would alter that. Riker: Then maybe you should consider this. If anything happens to them, Starfleet is going to want a full investigation, which means more starships will be coming to Kesprytt and those ships are going to want answers which puts your country under a very large and very uncomfortable microscope. Remember how unhappy you were when we contacted just one of your people without authorisation? Well, just think of what it'll be like. Ten starships asking questions, contacting hundreds of your people. Massive sensor sweeps. They may even start sending down away teams. All because you wouldn't help me find my missing officers. Crusher: I think I can use the tricorder to set up a multiphase pulse. That should weaken the field enough to let us through. Picard: No, no. The modulation frequency is in the upper harmonic range. Crusher: Right. Picard: They're coming. Crusher: I'm working as fast as I can. Trooper: Minister, we have the human female. The male is standing in Kes territory. Lorin: Very well. Transmit their coordinates to the Enterprise transporter room. Trooper: Understood. Riker: Thank you, Minister. Now, if you'll excuse me. Riker: Mauric is determined to take his protest to the Federation Council, but I don't think he'll get very far. Picard: I tend to agree, Number One. Riker: Did I miss something? Picard: Of course. Of course. You're absolutely right. Crusher: That was wonderful. Picard: My pleasure. Crusher: Don't get me wrong, Jean-Luc, but I'm glad we're not joined at the hip anymore. Picard: So, were you getting tired of my company? Crusher: Just tired of bumping into you every thirty seconds. I was beginning to feel as if you were part of my uniform. Picard: To freedom. Crusher: Freedom. Penny for your thoughts? Picard: I was just thinking that as distracting as it was, I was beginning to get used to hearing your thoughts and I find that I miss it. Crusher: So do I. It was very intimate. You know, last night I couldn't sleep. Picard: Oh? Crusher: I was awake for several hours. And thanks to the implants, I got to hear some very interesting dreams of yours. Picard: A man can't be held responsible for what his mind does while he's asleep. Crusher: What about when he's awake? Picard: So now that we've had this unique experience, what do we do? Crusher: What do you mean? Picard: You know exactly what I mean. Crusher: No, I don't. The implant's been removed, remember? Picard: Now that we know how each of us feels, perhaps we should not be afraid to explore those feelings. Crusher: Or perhaps we should be afraid. I think I should be going now. Crusher: Goodnight. Picard: Goodnight.
Quark: Not now. Look! Crowd: Dabo! Crowd: Dabo! Crowd: Dabo! Mardah: You aren't leaving? Okalar: Well. Mardah: Come on. Aren't you feeling lucky? Okalar: All right then. One more time. Let it ride. Mardah: Karjinko. Sorry. Okalar: Wait a minute there. My name is Okalar. What's yours? Mardah: Busy. Jake: You are evil. Mardah: Who, me? Jake: He was going to walk away a winner. Mardah: The first rule of dabo is watch the wheel Both: Not the girl. Mardah: So, what's on the menu tomorrow night? Tomorrow night? Dinner with your father? Jake: What? Mardah: He didn't tell you? He came by this afternoon and invited me to dinner tomorrow night. In fact, he said it was your idea. Jake: My idea? Oh, I guess I might have mentioned something about having you over. I thought he forgot. Mardah: It is all right, isn't it? I mean, you don't mind, do you? Jake: Oh, no. No, of course not. It'll be great. You're going to love my dad's cooking. Quark: This is a surprise. Boslic: A pleasant one, I hope. Quark: So do I. Boslic: I have some salvage for you, Quark. Quark: This isn't a good time to be selling your kind of salvage. Boslic: Oh, it's perfectly legal and it's really salvage this time. Quark: I'm not looking for junk right now, but I'm more in the market for entertainment. Boslic: I think you'll like this junk, Quark. It's wreckage from a ship that crashed in the Gamma Quadrant. Quark: You're still going to the Gamma Quadrant? I love bold women. How much? Boslic: Three bars of latinum and you can have it all. Quark: What kind of ship is it? Boslic: I don't know. Quark: Can I see it first? Boslic: There's no time. Quark, you and I have been doing business for years. Don't you trust me? Quark: Three bars of latinum? It was worth it. Quark: No. No. No. Sisko: You bought a child? Quark: I just thought that I was buying some wreckage. How was I supposed to know there was a baby in there? Sisko: Maybe you should inspect the merchandise before you make the deal. Or isn't there a Rule of Acquisition for that? Quark: There is and I do, usually. Dax: We haven't been able to trace the Boslic Captain since she left the station. Her flight plan said she was headed for Risa, but I don't think we should put much faith in that. Bashir: Well, I haven't been able to identify his species, but he seems to be healthy. Sisko: Seems? Bashir: For a humanoid, he has an incredibly fast metabolic rate. The cells in his body are dividing at a pace I haven't seen outside of a laboratory, but since there are no thyroid or hypothalamic problems, I assume this is only natural for someone of this species but I would like to do further tests. Sisko: Very well. What do we know about the ship the boy was on? Dax: Chief O'Brien just started to analyze the wreckage. We should have a preliminary report in a couple of hours. Quark: Now wait a minute. I paid good money for that wreckage and Quark: And now it's yours. Enjoy. Sisko: Hi there. Dax: We should contact one of the orphanages on Bajor and let them know we might have someone for them. Sisko: Hmmm? Dax: I was talking about an orphanage. Sisko: Oh, right. Have Major Kira make the appropriate arrangements. And keep me informed about him. Bashir: Yes, sir. Sisko: What? Dax: You are positively glowing. Sisko: Oh, come on. Dax: I haven't seen that look on your face since Sisko: Since Jake stopped wearing diapers. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this but, I miss taking care of Jake when he was a baby. I miss holding him, singing to him at night, feeding him. Dax: Listening to him cry, changing his diapers, worrying when he was sick. Sisko: I haven't forgotten. But there are times when I would give almost anything for the days when I could make Jake happy just by lifting him over my head. Good night. Sisko: Hey, how about a hug for the old man? Jake: Why didn't you tell me you were going to invite Mardah to dinner? Sisko: Well I did, weeks ago. I told you if you didn't invite her soon, I'd invite her myself. Jake: I still wish you'd given me a little more warning. Sisko: I didn't realize that a dinner invitation required so much warning. Jake: It doesn't, and it's not a problem or anything. It just caught me by surprise. Sisko: Well, dinner isn't till tomorrow night. That'll gives you a full day to prepare her for the traumatic experience of having dinner with the old man. Jake: Yeah. I mean, there's nothing to prepare for. It's just dinner. Sisko: Exactly. Jake: Right. Sisko: Right. Jake: All right. Sisko: You wanted to see me, Doctor? Bashir: Yes, it's about our new visitor Sisko: Is something wrong with the baby? Bashir: No, but he's not a baby any more. Bashir: There are a great many species with what we would consider accelerated growth rates. But they're usually small, physiologically simple creatures. I've never seen such a rapid maturation process in anything as complex as a humanoid. Sisko: He looks about eight or nine years old. How old is he in reality? Bashir: Well, judging by his cellular kinetics profile, I'd say he's no more than two weeks of age. Boy: Who are you? Sisko: I'm Benjamin, and that's Julian. Do you have a name? Boy: I need food. Bashir: With your kind of metabolism, I'm not surprised. I'll get you something in a few minutes. Boy: Where am I? Sisko: On a space station. Do you know what that is? Boy: No, but I want to learn. Sisko: I'd say we have a lot to learn from each other. Bashir: I'll be right back. Sisko: Advanced language skills. Bashir: And cognitive reasoning. He didn't just pick those up by sitting there listening to us. This is either a natural ability of his species or there's been some kind of basic intelligence implanted into his genetic structure. Sisko: Implanted? You mean artificially? Bashir: Yes. And I tend to diskount the possibility that it is a natural ability. His biomolecular diffusion gradient already suggests that his cellular mitosis has been artificially enhanced. Sisko: So, you're saying he may have been part of some experiment? Bashir: Possibly. If so, he's an example of some very advanced genetic engineering. His cognitive abilities are developing without any external stimuli. Sisko: I want you to test his mental abilities. See if they increase. Maybe he'll get to the point where he can tell us who he is and where he's comes from. O'Brien: This is where Quark said he found the boy. It seems to be some kind of stasis chamber that was damaged in the crash. Sisko: That could imply that they didn't want him to begin maturing while he was on board. What about the rest of the wreckage? O'Brien: It seems to indicate this was some kind of freighter or transport vessel. Sisko: Did you find any computers or other information systems? O'Brien: No, not yet. Most of it's just junk. Twisted bulkheads, burnt deck plating, that sort of thing. We should have a full inventory done by tomorrow morning. Sisko: Good. By the way, the replicators in my quarters' on the blink again. Could you spare someone this afternoon to fix them? O'Brien: That's right. Tonight's the big dinner with Mardah. Sisko: You know about that? O'Brien: Well, Jake mentioned it this morning. In fact, I'd say it's the only thing on his mind. Sisko: You would think I was going to court martial her by the way he's acting. O'Brien: Well, I guess it's only natural. Bringing a girl home for the first time's a pretty traumatic experience. Sisko: Quark may call her a dabo girl but she's twenty years old. She's a woman and Jake's a sixteen year old boy. It has to stop. O'Brien: Why did you invite her over, if you don't mind my asking. Sisko: Curiosity, mostly. I wanted to see what I was up against. O'Brien: What if it turns out you like her? Sisko: She's a dabo girl and she's dating my son. I don't want to like her. O'Brien: Sixteen years old and dating a dabo girl. Godspeed, Jake. Odo: Major. Kira: Odo. For you. Odo: Ah. Let me guess. Decoration for my new quarters. Kira: Just a little something to brighten the room. Odo: That's very thoughtful of you. Kira: You're welcome. Odo: I suppose you'd like to see my new quarters. Kira: Everyone wants to see your quarters. It's called curiosity. Odo: Ah. Odo: It's not really finished yet. This is just the start. Kira: The start of what? Odo: I want to make this room into a place where I can explore what it truly means to be a shape-shifter. Kira: I thought it had to be something like that. I mean, you don't exactly need an entire set of quarters just to sit in your bucket. Odo: I don't use the bucket anymore. I've kept it to reminder of how I used to be. But now, when I need to regenerate, I simply revert to my gelatinous state anywhere in these rooms. Here, I can experiment with different shapes, textures. I can bring in various forms to emulate, and I can do it in private. Kira: I'm sorry if I intruded. Maybe I should leave. Odo: No, please. You're always welcome here, Major. Kira: Well, where shall we put it? Kira: Perfect. Bashir: The boy's DNA sequence has definitely been altered. The nucleotide analysis proves that conclusively. Dax: So he's a product of genetic engineering. But why? Was he a unique experiment or is this sort of thing common to his species? Bashir: There's more. His blood chemistry shows he's missing a key isogenic enzyme. Without large quantities of it his circulatory system would simply shut down. Dax: Can you replicate this enzyme? Bashir: I've been trying and I think I've come up with a temporary substitute, but what I don't understand is why anybody would want to genetically engineer someone with such an obvious flaw. Hortak: Nurse Hortak to Doctor Bashir. You're needed in the Infirmary immediately. Bashir: On my way. Bashir: Listen, it's all right, no one's going to hurt you. Let's just go back inside and Dax: Security to the Promenade. Odo: Stop! Stay where you are! Dax: Dax to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead. Dax: I think we've solved the mystery of our young visitor, Benjamin. He's a Jem'Hadar. Sisko: I've just spoken with Starfleet Command. They want to make sure he's healthy enough to travel and then send him to Starbase two oh one where he'll be handed over to a team of specialists. Kira: Sounds good to me. The sooner, the better. Odo: What sort of specialists are we talking about, Commander? Sisko: There will be a complete team xenobiologists and exopsychologists waiting for him. Odo: So they're going to study him like a laboratory specimen. Sisko: He'll be very well treated. Odo: So he'll be a well treated specimen. Bashir: I have to agree with Odo, Commander. We can't just ship him off like some biological sample that we've found. He's a sentient life form. Dax: True, but the Founders could have removed his sense of free will. He may be nothing more than a genetically programd killing machine. Kira: I agree. We don't want one of them walking around this station. Odo: Fine. If you want answers about the Jem'Hadar, I'm the one who can get them for you. Let me get to know him. I'll be responsible for his conduct while he's here. Sisko: Odo, do you really think you can control him? Odo: He's already shown a certain deference to me. That's probably another genetic alteration implanted by the Founders to insure the Jem'Hadar's loyalty. I can keep him from harming anyone. Sisko: I'd like to speak with the Constable in private for a moment, please. Sisko: Talk to me, Odo. Tell me what's really going on here. What the Founders did to the boy, to all the Jem'Hadar, is not your fault. Odo: Maybe not, but I feel an obligation to undo some of the damage that my race has done to this boy. And I also know what it's like to be a specimen in a laboratory. Oh, I'm sure they'll treat him very well. No one will risk harming their new prize. They'll be courteous, caring, treat him like he's among friends, but in the end he'll be just another specimen to them, something to be analyzed and cataloged. Give me a chance to find out if he really is just a programd killing machine or if we can help him become something else. Sisko: I'll tell Starfleet we have some preliminary tests to run before we send him to Starbase two oh one. Odo: Thank you, Commander. Sisko: Just be careful, Odo. He is still a Jem'Hadar. Bashir: Listen to me. I'm trying to help. Your body is craving a certain chemical compound. That is why you're feeling anxious and having muscle spasms. Jem'Hadar: There's nothing wrong with me. Bashir: Yes, there is, and denying it won't make it go away. Jem'Hadar: Leave me alone. Odo: You can wait outside. I think everything is under control now. Odo: Please, sit down. You don't look well. How do you feel? Jem'Hadar: Something's wrong with me. I feel sick when I eat. I have pains in my head, in my chest. Bashir: His body is addicted to a specific isogenic enzyme. Right now, he's experiencing all the symptoms of withdrawal. Odo: Addicted? Bashir: That's right. Odo: Can you replicate this enzyme? Bashir: I've had some success with triglycerides, but they're just a stopgap measure. I can't get an exact chemical formula without doing further tests, but he's shown a certain resistance to that idea. Jem'Hadar: I don't want any more tests. Odo: Doctor Bashir is trying to help you. You should let him. Jem'Hadar: You may run your tests. Bashir: Thank you. Odo: My name is Odo. Jem'Hadar: I don't have a name. Odo: When your tests are done, I can get you out of here, maybe show you around the station. Jem'Hadar: If you wish. Odo: What do you want? Do you have any needs or desires of your own? Jem'Hadar: I want to fight. Odo: Who? Me? Jem'Hadar: No. The others. Odo: Why? Jem'Hadar: I don't know. But that's what I want to do. Is that wrong? Odo: Let's just say we need to find other interests for you to pursue. For the moment, why don't you relax? Try not to be so tense. Take it easy. Smile. A smile, you know. Odo: Well, we'll work on that. Mardah: Smells good. What is it? Sisko: Shrimp Creole with Mandalay sauce. One of my father's recipes. Jake: You're going to love this. Sisko: I hope you like spicy food. This sure has a bite. So, Mardah, tell me a little about yourself. Mardah: What do you want to know? Sisko: Anything. Family. Mardah: There isn't much to tell. It's a pretty familiar story. Parents killed during the occupation, raised by my neighbors until I was thirteen, then I moved out on my own. I have a sister and a brother on Bajor, but we haven't talked in years. Sisko: Why not? Mardah: Sarjeno and Koran were not exactly thrilled when I told them I had a job as a dabo girl. Then I told them what I thought of their lives and we stopped speaking. Sisko: I see. Mardah: It's amazing how some people will judge you based on nothing more than your job. Jake: Did I mention that Mardah's quite a writer? Sisko: Really? Jake: Yeah. Mrs O'Brien used to say that Mardah should try to get some of her stories published. Mardah: Jake, they aren't that good. Jake: Yes, they are. Mardah: Nothing like your poetry. Jake: No, you don't have enough faith in yourself. Sisko: Poetry? You write poetry? Jake: Well, sort of. Not really. Mardah: Now who doesn't have enough faith in themselves? He writes some of the most beautiful things I've ever read. That's what won me over. Sisko: His poetry. Mardah: And the way he plays dom-jot. Sisko: You play dom-jot? Mardah: Oh, your son can play. He's quite the hustler. Sisko: A hustler? Jake: Why don't I see how dessert's coming? Mardah: Jake seemed like just another teenage boy at first, but there's more to him than that. Sisko: I'm beginning to realize that myself. Mardah: I care about him very much. Sisko: And so do I. Now, tell me more about my poet-hustler son. O'Brien: It's over here. This is it. We tried to run an analysis of it, but the computer couldn't make heads or tails of it. Do you really think this is the drug the boy's addicted to? Odo: It seems logical that the Founders would've kept a supply of the enzyme aboard his ship. Hopefully Doctor Bashir can determine if this is it. O'Brien: I still don't understand why they would engineer someone to be addicted to a certain chemical. Odo: I suspect it's another way of insuring the loyalty of the Jem'Hadar to the Founders. If your soldiers are addicted to a drug that can't be replicated and only you can provide, that gives you a great deal of control over them. O'Brien: Seems a pretty cold-blooded thing to do. Odo: My people don't even have blood, Chief. Bashir: I believe this tube intravenously delivers the chemical agent directly into the carotid artery. Odo: How large of a dosage is required? Bashir: I'm not sure yet. This supply could last for a week or maybe a month or even a year. I'll have to experiment to find the right dosage. All right, we'll going to start with two milligrams per minute. Let me know if you feel uncomfortable. Bashir: Well, his heart rate is slowing. Some increase in neurotransmitter activity, and his cortical impulse readings are leveling out. Let's try three cc's. Bashir: I think we can hold it there for now. How do you feel? Jem'Hadar: Good. Thank you. Odo: You should rest now. We'll talk later. I'll be in my quarters. Jem'Hadar: Wait. I want to go with you. Odo: The doctor will take care of you. Jem'Hadar: I want to stay with you. Bashir: He doesn't have to stay here as long as I can monitor his condition regularly. Odo: Well, it seems I have my first houseguest. Jem'Hadar: So you can change into any of these objects? Odo: With varying degrees of success. Some forms are more difficult to emulate than others. Jem'Hadar: Like what? Odo: Like this one. As you can see, I haven't mastered the humanoid face. I've found it to be quite challenging. Jem'Hadar: Why do you want to look like a humanoid? You're better than they are. You're a changeling. Odo: That doesn't make me better, just different. Jem'Hadar: But I know in here that I am inferior to you. But that everyone else here is inferior to me. Odo: No. That may be what your instincts tell you, but it's not true. No one on this station is better than anyone else. We're all equal. Jem'Hadar: Then I must be at fault, because I know that you cannot be wrong. Odo: The first thing we have to establish is that I'm not infallible. I'm no different than you are in that respect. You have to begin to think for yourself, to make decisions based on what you want, not what I want. Do you understand? Now tell me, what do you want right now? Don't think about it. Just tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Jem'Hadar: I, I want, I want to know more about my people. Who I am and where I come from. Odo: I can understand that. I was also found by aliens. I didn't know who I was or what my people were like. Jem'Hadar: Did you ever find them? Odo: Yes, but sometimes the truth is not very pleasant. Computer, display Bridge Security log USS Defiant, stardate 48214.5, time index three one zero. Jem'Hadar: These are my people? Odo: Yes. They're a race of brutal warriors, but that doesn't mean you have to be like that. You can channel your feelings of aggression in other ways. Jem'Hadar: How? Odo: Computer, run program Odo One. Jem'Hadar: So this is not a real person? Odo: That's right. He can't be injured or killed. He's just a computer simulation. Jem'Hadar: How strong is he? Odo: As strong as you want to make him. The computer will adjust his strength, agility, speed, anything you want. In here, you can indulge yourself. You can let your instincts take over, fight until you're ready to stop. But at a price. Out there you have to control yourself. You have to learn restraint. Learn how to live peacefully among other races regardless of how you may feel, learn to contain your feelings of aggression and violence. Jem'Hadar: Can I? Jem'Hadar: Can I do it again? Can I have a stronger opponent? Odo: Computer, increase difficulty to level two. Jem'Hadar: It's too easy. Make it more difficult. Odo: Computer, increase to level three. Kira: Can I speak to you for a moment? Jem'Hadar: Computer, increase to level five. Kira: I heard you let him move in with you. Odo: It was his idea. He feels safer around me. Kira: Of course he does, Odo. He was programd to feel that way. Odo: It's more than that. I think I've begun to form a real connection with him. He trusts me. Kira: But can you trust him? How long do you think you're going to be able to control him? Odo: I'm not trying to control anybody. I'm just trying to give him some choices other than becoming a laboratory specimen or a Jem'Hadar soldier. Kira: I never thought I would say this to you, Odo, but you are listening to your heart not your head. That boy was created in a laboratory. His body, his mind, his instincts, are all designed to do one thing. To kill. Odo: My body, mind and instincts were designed to be a Founder. You were trained to be a terrorist. But each of us chose to be something different. I just want to give him the same chance we've had. Kira: All right. Give him a chance. Just don't forget he is a Jem'Hadar. He's dangerous. Odo: I'm well aware of the risk, Major. Kira: I hope so. Odo: Computer, end program. Jem'Hadar: Everyone keeps looking at me. They're afraid of me. Odo: They're mostly curious, but they're also afraid. Jem'Hadar: They should be. I could kill any of them. Odo: Is that all you can think about? Killing? Isn't there anything else that you care about? Jem'Hadar: I don't think so. Odo: But there is so much more to life than that, so much for you to diskover and experience. Jem'Hadar: Maybe there is for you, and maybe there is for all these other people here, but for me Sisko: Sisko to Odo. Odo: Go ahead, Commander. Sisko: I need to see you in my office, Constable. Odo: On my way. Wait for me in our quarters. Odo: Something's wrong. Sisko: Starfleet is sending the USS Constellation to pick up the boy and then take him to Starbase two oh one. They'll be here in five hours. Odo: I thought we had an agreement. Sisko: I'm sorry, Odo. Starfleet considers the boy a top priority. I did everything I could, but orders are orders. I put Jem'Hadar: You're not sending me anywhere. Sisko: What do you want? Jem'Hadar: A runabout. Sisko: To go where? Jem'Hadar: That's not your concern. Odo: Listen to me. This is not the way. Jem'Hadar: I know what I'm doing. I'm leaving this place and you're going with me. You don't belong here any more than I do. Odo: All right. It won't be necessary to hurt anyone. Commander Sisko will see to it that no one interferes with us. Jem'Hadar: If they do, I'll kill them. Odo: Where are we going? Jem'Hadar: To the Gamma Quadrant. It's where my people are. It's where your people are. It's where we both belong. Odo: I don't belong there. I don't believe you do either. Jem'Hadar: I won't allow them to put me in a laboratory. I won't go with them to Starfleet. Odo: All right, but there are another options besides going to the Gamma Quadrant. We can find a place where neither Starfleet nor the Jem'Hadar will bother you. A place where you can grow and learn about yourself without worrying about being sent to some laboratory. It's a big galaxy. All we have to do is head out for unexplored space and keep on going. I am willing to do this with you, to help start you on this new life, if that's what you want. Jem'Hadar: You just don't understand, do you? I want to be with my people. I don't want to be anywhere else. I'm not like these other humanoids. I'm a Jem'Hadar and that's what I want to be. You're not like these humanoids either, but they've done something to you. They've filled your mind with ideas, with these beliefs. I don't know what the other Changelings are like, but I know they're not like you. Odo: No, they're not. Sisko: Spread out, but remember not to fires until you hear my command or the boy fires first. Sisko: This is as far as you go. Odo: Let us go, Commander. I'm leaving of my own accord. I'll take the boy back to his people then return in the runabout. If he boards the Constellation when it arrives, he'll either kill a lot of innocent people or be killed himself. Sisko: What makes you think he'll let you come back? Odo: I don't believe he could injure a Changeling. Sisko: When the Constellation arrives I'll tell them that I couldn't stop you from leaving, that I would've had to kill the boy to keep him here. Admiral Necheyev won't like that answer but it has the virtue of being the truth. Sisko to O'Brien. Release the security fields around the airlock, Chief. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Sisko: I'll see you when you get back. Jem'Hadar: He was afraid of me. I could see the fear in his eyes. Odo: Commander Sisko was trying to do what's best for you. He was trying to help you. Jem'Hadar: He's not my friend. He's my enemy. And I now know that anyone who is not a Jem'Hadar is my enemy. Odo: Does that include me? Sisko: Captain's log, supplemental. Starfleet has expressed disappointment over what it considers a missed opportunity to learn more about the Jem'Hadar. However, I am happy to report that with the boy gone, life on the station has returned to normal. O'Brien: I think we can get the upper sensor grid back online by morning. Sisko: Good. We're going to need it in the next few days. O'Brien: I thought you were going to lower the boom on the two of them. Sisko: Well, I was, but some things came up at dinner I didn't expect. O'Brien: Oh. Got to know her a little better? Decided you liked her after all? Sisko: No, I actually got to know Jake a little better. Have you ever played dom-jot with him? O'Brien: No. Sisko: Don't. Odo: Major, about the boy. You were right.
Chandler Bing: Are you kidding me?! Joey. Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey! Joey!! Joey Tribbiani: Joey. Joey. Joey. Joey! Joey!! Chandler Bing: Oh. Oh, did-did-did I wake you? Chandler Bing: Gunther, can I get another cup of coffee, please? So uh, what do you do when you're not working here? Gunther: You don't need to fill these silences. Chandler Bing: Oh, okay, thanks. Monica Geller: Chandler, that's like your fourth cup of coffee! Chandler Bing: Well, I am drinking lots of cups of coffee because I'm exhausted! Because Joey started snoring! Monica Geller: He's in a different room! He's really that loud? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, you should here me. Chandler Bing: It's not something to be proud of, okay? You have to go to a sleep clinic! Joey Tribbiani: Look, I told ya, I'm not going to any clinic! I don't have a problem, you're the one with the problem! You should go to a "Quit being a baby and leave me alone" clinic! Chandler Bing: They don't have those. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, they do! Quit being a baby and leave me alone! There, you've just had your first class! Monica Geller: Y'know I used to go out with this guy that was a really light sleeper, and whenever I started to snore, he would just roll me over... Joey Tribbiani: Ohhh, yeah! Monica Geller: He would just roll me over and I would stop snoring. Chandler Bing: Next time you snore, I'm rolling ya over! Joey Tribbiani: I gotta do what I gotta do, you gotta do what you gotta do, you just do it. Ross Geller: Hey guys! Chandler Bing: Hey, all right! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, the Olympics. Monica Geller: Have you guys picked a date yet? Ross Geller: Oh no, not yet. Phoebe Buffay: I still cannot believe you're engaged! Just 'cause its happening so fast; not 'cause you're such a loser. Ross Geller: Oh. Thanks. Uh, has anyone seen Rach? Monica Geller: Ugh, she's upstairs not doing the dishes! And I tell ya something! I'm not doing them this time! I don't care if those dishes sit in the sink until they're all covered with-I'll do them when I get home! Ross Geller: Yeah-oh! Hey listen umm, Emily found this wedding dress in London... Phoebe Buffay: Already?! Ross Geller: Yeah, but it didn't fit. Well, luckily there's a store here that has one left in her size, but I'm the groom, I'm not supposed to see the dress... Monica Geller: I'll pick it up for you! Ross Geller: Thank you. Monica Geller: Okay. Chandler Bing: Oh, she's got you running errands, y'know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah! Ross Geller: What's wah-pah? Chandler Bing: Y'know, whipped! Wah-pah! Joey Tribbiani: That's not whipped! Whipped is wh-tcssh! Chandler Bing: That's what I did. Wah-pah! Joey Tribbiani: You can't do anything! Rachel Green: Hey, Mon, I was just doing the dishes! Ross Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: Oh! It's you. Hi. Ross Geller: Hey, do uh, do you have a minute? Rachel Green: Yeah, yeah, I was just about to take a break anyways, so... Ross Geller: So listen uh, I know you and I haven't really had a chance to talk since uh, Emily and I decided to get married, and uh, I was just wondering how you were. Rachel Green: Oh. Ross Geller: I know if you were getting married I'd feel, kinda... y'know. Rachel Green: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely, well it definitely took me by surprise, but I'm okay. Ross Geller: Yeah? Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: All right, I just wanted to check. Rachel Green: Oh, that's sweet. Ross Geller: You're great. And I-I know someday this will happen for you too. You just hang in there. Rachel Green: Uhh, hang in there? Ross Geller: Oh, no, I didn't mean, uh... Rachel Green: I mean maybe you didn't hear about a serious relationship called me and Joshua? Ross Geller: Oh, I thought you guys had just been on like four dates, I didn't realise that had become anything, yet. Rachel Green: Oh, no-no-no, no-no-no, it has become, it has-yeah. Oh no, those were four great dates. Ross Geller: Oh. Yeah? Rachel Green: Yeah. Oh, yeah. And I mean, the connection, I mean y'know, emotionally, mentally, physically... Ross Geller: Wow, that's-that's-that's incredible. Rachel Green: I know isn't it? It's like I'm right there with Joshua. Ross Geller: Uh-huh. Rachel Green: You are right there with Emily. And it's y'know, it's kinda like... it's a tie! Well, I gotta get, I gotta get back to the dishes. Ross Geller: I gotta get to work. Rachel Green: Oh yeah? Fine. Ross Geller: Hey, y'know, y'know what would make me really happy? Rachel Green: Oh yeah, no, what's that? Ross Geller: If like the four of us could all y'know, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emily's coming into town this weekend, why don't you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night? Rachel Green: That would be great! Ross Geller: Yeah, all right, it's a date. Rachel Green: Hang in there. You hang in there. Ross Geller: Did you say something? Rachel Green: No, just singing. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Ohh! Look at this one! It's so beautiful! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but y'know, about have of these are gonna end up getting divorced. The Saleslady: May I help you ladies? Monica Geller: Oh, yes, umm, I'm here to pick up a dress that you have on hold. The Saleslady: Yes, what's the name, please? Monica Geller: Emily Waltham. The Saleslady: Yes! I have it right here. Would you like to try it on Ms. Waltham? Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Monica Geller: I am, aren't I? The Saleslady: Ms. Waltham? Monica Geller: Yes? The Saleslady: We're closing. Monica Geller: All right. The Saleslady: And could I get my ring back? Chandler Bing: All right buddy, time to roll over. No-no! No, no-n-n-n-no!! You are going to a clinic! You're going to a clinic, and a pyjama store! Monica Geller: Does she use the cups? Yes! I believe she does. Does she use the plates? Yes! I believe she does. Monica Geller: Oh. Thank you. Ohhh, thank you very much. Oh, thank you for coming. Uh, just a second! Phoebe Buffay: No-no, let me in! Monica Geller: Phoebe? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Monica Geller: Can you just hold on for one minute? Phoebe Buffay: No, you have to let me in right now!! Monica Geller: Are you alone? Phoebe Buffay: Yes! Monica Geller: All right. Joey Tribbiani: This sucks! I didn't know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! I'm so tired! Chandler Bing: It's 6:00. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, well... Rachel Green: Hi! Chandler Bing: Hey, I hear that you and Joshua are going out to dinner with Ross and Emily, and I think that's, I think that's really cool. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, Rach, I think you're handling that really well. Rachel Green: Handling it? What do you mean, handling it? There's nothing to handle. Now, maybe I would have a problem with this if it wasn't for me and Joshua. Y'know, they're not gonna get married anyway! Chandler Bing: What? Rachel Green: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast it's ridiculous! I mean, they're gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what they've done and they're call the whole thing off. I'm telling ya, you're gonna be dancing at my wedding before you're dancing at there's. Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I don't dance at weddings. Rachel Green: Why not? Chandler Bing: Because weddings are a great place to meet women, and when I dance, I look like this... Ross Geller: Hey man. Chandler Bing: Hey! Ross Geller: So, what are you guys doing four weeks from today? Chandler Bing: Nothing. Rachel Green: Nothing. Joey Tribbiani: I am... free! Ross Geller: Great! Because Emily and I are getting married in a month! Ross Geller: Yep! Rachel Green: In a month? Ross Geller: Yeah! Rachel Green: You mean, you mean 30 days? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: From now? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Well, that's great. Ross Geller: Yeah! Yeah, Emily always wanted to get married in this beautiful place that her parents got married, but it's going to be torn down, so... I mean, I-I know it's crazy, but everything up 'til now has been so crazy, and I don't know, this just feels right. Y'know? Joey Tribbiani: Hey! That's the day after I stop menstruating! This isn't mine. Joshua Burgin: Hey, Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi! Joshua Burgin: What's up? You're voice sounded all squeaky on the phone. Rachel Green: Ohh, nothing, I just wanted to see you. See you and hug you. See you. Joshua Burgin: Great! Rachel Green: Yeah! Sit! Joshua Burgin: You okay? Rachel Green: I'm more than okay, I am really, really happy! Wanna know why? Joshua Burgin: Do I? Rachel Green: 'Cause I am really happy about us. I think we are, I think we are so on the right track! Y'know? I mean, I think we are working, I think we are clicking. Y'know? Joshua Burgin: Yeah, sure-sure, yeah, we're-we're-we're-we're-we're clicking. Rachel Green: Yeah-yeah, y'know if-if there was just like one little area where I-that I think we need-we would need to work on; I-I would think it was we're just not crazy enough! Joshua Burgin: I-I gotta say, I-I-I-I'm not too sure I agree with that. Rachel Green: Well, yeah, right, y'know what? Yeah, you're right, I mean, we no, we have our fun. Yeah! But if ...I mean, I mean like craaaazy! Y'know? Okay, all right. This is gonna, this is gonna sound y'know, a little umm, hasty, but uh, just go with it. Umm. Ugh. What if we got married? Joshua Burgin: What?! Rachel Green: Oh, I know, I know, it's-it's so, it's so totally like, "Whoa! Can we do this?" Y'know, I mean, but I mean it just feels right! Don't you think? It does! I mean, it just feels right, don't you think? Joshua Burgin: Wow! Uhh, Rachel uhh, you're a real special lady, but my divorce isn't final yet and, and, and we've been on four days, so I'm thinking "No, but thanks." Gunther: YOU IDIOT!!!!! Sleep Clinic Worker: Your name, please? Joey Tribbiani: Joey Tribbiani. Sleep Clinic Worker: Um-hmm, and did you stay up all night in preparation for your sleep study. Uh, sir? Chandler Bing: Yes he did. Sleep Clinic Worker: Alll right, we'll call you in a few minutes. Chandler Bing: Hey, check out that girl! She is really hot! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, she is. Wow! How you doin'? Joey Tribbiani: What?! Chandler Bing: You're coming on to the entire room! I'm Chandler. Woman: I'm Marjorie. Chandler Bing: Hi. Marjorie: Hi. Chandler Bing: You mind if I... Marjorie: No, please. Chandler Bing: So uh, what are you in for? Marjorie: I talk in my sleep. Chandler Bing: What a coincidence, I listen in my sleep. Joey Tribbiani: So why don't you give me your number? Monica Geller: Okay, ready? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Monica Geller: Okay. Phoebe Buffay: I got it! Mine! Monica Geller: Congratulations! Phoebe Buffay: Thank you! Monica Geller: Okay! My turn! My turn! Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Okay, ready? Monica Geller: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: That was a terrible throw!! Phoebe Buffay: I'm not gonna right to you! That's not real! Monica Geller: Look at me! My big concern is what's real?! Oh my God. We're really sad, aren't we? Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I think we are. Monica Geller: This isn't even my dress. Phoebe Buffay: Well, at least you didn't rent yours from a store called, "It's Not Too Late." Monica Geller: I'm changing out of this. Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Monica Geller: In like a half-hour? Phoebe Buffay: Me too. Monica Geller: Okay, throw it straight this time. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Monica Geller: I'm getting married next!! Phoebe Buffay: Yay! Phoebe Buffay: I hate my regular clothes now! Y'know? I look down and-and I know that this isn't gonna be the most special day of my life. Monica Geller: Yeah. I mean it was kinda fun for a while, but didn't you start feeling silly? Phoebe Buffay: I guess. Phoebe Buffay: Oh my God! Monica Geller: Oh God. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, you're such a cheater! Chandler Bing: Hello! Little ones. Monica Geller: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Monica Geller: So, is Joey gonna stop snoring? Chandler Bing: Yep! And! A beautiful woman agreed to go out with me. Joey wanted to ask her out, but uh, she picked me. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how'd that happen? Chandler Bing: Because I'm cooler. Monica Geller: No, seriously. Chandler Bing: Well she's, she's the kinda girl-Joey was unconscious. Joey Tribbiani: Hey you guys! What's happening? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: What is that? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, they gave it to me at the sleep clinic, and it's gonna help me not to snore. Monica Geller: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? 'Cause I don't think you have to wear it unless you are! Joey Tribbiani: I know I don't have too! It tastes good. Chandler Bing: Plus, you look cool. Rachel Green: Well, I just called Joshua... Phoebe Buffay: Oh, how did it go? Rachel Green: Well, I did my best to convince him that I'm not some crazy girl who is dying to get married-I'm just going through a hard time. Phoebe Buffay: What did he say? Rachel Green: Well uh, his answering machine was very understanding. Ugh. I feel blue. Monica Geller: Ohh, sweetie! Hey, I bet you anything that he's gonna call you again. Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe, but I don't think I even care. I don't think he's the one I'm sad about. Y'know, I know that I said that I am totally okay with Ross getting married, but as it turns out, I don't think I'm handling it all that well. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, maybe. Rachel Green: And I-I am just trying to figure out why. Phoebe Buffay: Any luck? Rachel Green: Well, yeah, y'know how Ross and I were on again, off again, on again, off again? I guess I just figured that somewhere down the road, we would be on again. Monica Geller: Again. Y'know what? I think we all did. Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Ross Geller: So, I got us some reservations for Sunday night, okay? How about, Ernie's at 9 o'clock? Rachel Green: Yeah, well, you uh, better make it for three. Ross Geller: Oh, see I-I don't know if we're gonna be hungry at three. Rachel Green: Three people. Joshua's not gonna be there. Ross Geller: What happened? Rachel Green: Uh, well, I think, I think he broke up with me. Ross Geller: Noo. Why? Rachel Green: Well, apparently he scares easy. Ross Geller: Oh, Rachel, I'm-I'm sorry. Rachel Green: It's okay. Sometimes, things don't work out the way you'd thought they would. Ross Geller: Come here. Rachel Green: Oh, hey, don't you have to go pick up Emily? Ross Geller: Yeah. Rachel Green: Yeah. Ross Geller: You okay? Rachel Green: Yeah! I got my girls. Rachel Green: Ugh. Phoebe Buffay: Hey, y'know what might cheer you up? Rachel Green: What? Rachel Green: Y'know, I gotta tell ya, this really does put in a better mood. Monica Geller: Oh, I wish there was a job where I could wear this all the time. Maybe someday, there will be. Monica Geller: Oh God! He's gonna come by and borrow some candles for his big date! Rachel Green: Oh, okay! Monica Geller: No-no, Rachel, don't get it! He can't see us! Phoebe Buffay: No, yeah! The groom cannot see the bride! Rachel Green: I'm not gonna marry Chandler! Phoebe Buffay: Not after this! Rachel Green: Okay, you guys, just relax. I doooo. Joshua Burgin: I gotta go. Rachel Green: Oh, wait, Joshua! Joshua! Yeah, well, that oughta do it. Joey Tribbiani: Dude! I am trying to sleep!
Crewwoman: Thank you. Neelix: Oh, you look like a man who could use more coffee. Kim: Keep it coming. I'm working on my monthly ops report. So much has happened in the last few weeks on this ship, I'm going to be up all night. Neelix: This firenut blend should keep you eyes open. Kim: Potent stuff! Thanks. Chakotay: Neelix. Neelix: Yes. Chakotay: I know you have your hands full this evening, but I could use your help. Neelix: At your service, Commander. Chakotay: We're approaching a class one nebula. Sensors are picking up traces of protomatter inside. I understand you've dealt with it before? Neelix: Absolutely. When I was making my living as a trader. Protomatter's one of the most sought-after commodities. It's the best energy source in the Quadrant. Chakotay: We could use your expertise in collecting a sample. We're leaving at fourteen hundred hours. See you in the shuttlebay? Neelix: I'll be there, sir. Seven: These nutritional supplements are unacceptable. Neelix: What's wrong? Seven: They are pungent. Neelix: That's the whole idea. I've been adding Talaxian spices to broaden your palette. Seven: My palette is sufficiently broad. Neelix: Why settle for sufficient? The Doctor tells me you have a full complement of taste buds. You've hardly begun to use them. Come by the mess hall Thursday night. It's the first day of Prixin. We'll have an impressive array of exotic cuisine. Seven: Prixin? Neelix: The Talaxian celebration of family. We observe it every year on Voyager. Now that you're part of the family Seven: What should I do to prepare? Neelix: Nothing. It's not a mission, Seven, it's a party. Wildman: Ensign Wildman to Neelix. Neelix: Neelix here. Wildman: I hate to bother you, but Naomi's having trouble getting to sleep again. Would you mind? Neelix: No bother at all. I'm on my way. If you'll excuse me, duty calls. Seven: Naomi? I don't recall that designation on the crew manifest. Neelix: That's because she's not a member of the crew. Naomi was the first child born on Voyager. I'm her godfather, and the only one who can get her to sleep lately. Bon appétit. Neelix: No monsters here. Naomi: Good. Check the replicator. Neelix: Nothing. Wildman: Naomi, maybe Neelix should check your room so you can go to bed. Naomi: Okay. In there. Neelix: Nobody here. Naomi: There. Neelix: Ah, there's not a monster in sight. Naomi: Can you stay longer? I'm afraid to go to sleep. Wildman: Honey, Neelix has to go to work. Neelix: It's all right. You know what I think about when I'm afraid to go to sleep? Naomi: No. What? Neelix: The Great Forest. Naomi: What's that? Neelix: It's a place my people believe we're all going to go to someday. It's a beautiful, beautiful forest filled with sunlight, and all the people who ever loved me are gathered there to watch over me as I sleep, to protect me. Naomi: Really? Neelix: When I think about that Forest and those people, I'm not afraid to sleep anymore. Naomi: Do you think those people watch over me too? Neelix: I know they do. Now, I'm going to be away for the next couple of days. So, if you're afraid to sleep I want you to think of that Great Forest. Naomi: All right. Neelix: Pleasant dreams. Naomi: Night, Neelix. Neelix: Cylinder. Neelix: Oh! Sorry. I didn't realize you were home. Seven: I was regenerating. Neelix: I see. Seven: Do you require assistance? Neelix: No, no, no. I have a small containment cylinder stored here. I'll just be a minute. Cylinder? Little cylinder, where are you? Cylinder, you were here a month ago. Now I know that you didn't just roll out of the airlock all by yourself. Now where are you? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm talking to myself. It's my way of remembering things. Seven: You are a peculiar creature, Neelix. Neelix: Thanks. I think. Ah! Here it is. Oh, this will be perfect for containing a small amount of protomatter. Last time I used this little wonder I nearly lost it to the Kazon. Seven: The Kazon. Species three two nine. Neelix: You're familiar with them. Seven: The Borg encountered a Kazon colony in the Gand Sector, grid six nine two zero. Neelix: Were they assimilated? Seven: Their biological and technological distinctiveness was unremarkable. They were unworthy of assimilation. Neelix: I didn't realize the Borg were so diskriminating. Seven: Why assimilate a species that would detract from perfection? Neelix: Good point. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm needed in the shuttlebay. Pleasant regenerating. Paris: One day a week, that's all I ask. How hard can it be? Neelix: Harder than you think. Paris: Neelix, it's pizza. Bread, tomatoes, cheese Neelix: The cheese alone would take days. Separating curds and whey from synthesized milk. It's a delicate process. Paris: So replicate the cheese. Neelix: Since it means so much to you, I'll see what I can do. Paris: Thanks. There's a concentration of protomatter directly ahead. Chakotay: Neelix? Neelix: Set the transporter for ten thousand amu's, not a particle more. The containment field is standing by. Paris: We're in range. Chakotay: Energizing. Chakotay: What happened? Paris: The transporter beam ignited the protomatter. Shields are weakening. Chakotay: Disengage transport. Paris: Shields are down. Neelix: I've got the sample, Commander, and it's stable. Chakotay: We're clear of the protomatter. How's Neelix? Paris: He's dead. No heart beat, no synaptic response, extensive cell damage to his brain. Chakotay: Try a cortical stimulator. Paris: It won't work. His neural pathways were disrupted by the protomatter. Chakotay: Set the stimulator for an autonomic bypass. At least we can get his vitals going. Paris: It's too late for that. The damage was too severe. Chakotay: We're running into more protomatter. I need your help. Janeway: Captain's log, stardate 51449.2. After receiving a distress call from Commander Chakotay, we've sent a beacon into the nebula and we're in the process of tracking down the away team. Kim: Captain, I'm detecting the shuttle. Janeway: Hail them. Kim: No response. Tuvok: The shuttle's primary systems are offline. Lifesigns, only two. Janeway: Are they within transporter range? Tuvok: Affirmative. Janeway: Beam them directly to Sickbay. Harry, put a tractor on the shuttlecraft. Tuvok. you've got the bridge. Emh: I ran a complete postmortem analysis. There was nothing you could have done. Paris: I knew we were too close to the protomatter. I should have said something. Chakotay: Nobody could have predicted this, Tom. Emh: How shall I proceed? Janeway: The Talaxians mourn their dead for a full week, in a specific burial ceremony. And that's just what we're going to do. Chakotay: I'll inform the crew. Janeway: I'll check Neelix's personal database, see what I can find out about the ceremony. We'll have it in the mess hall. Somehow that feels appropriate. Seven: Neelix is dead? Janeway: I'm afraid so. Seven: His neural pathways, are they intact? Emh: Yes, but there's no metabolic activity. Seven: How long has he been dead? Janeway: Seven, I understand Seven: How long? Chakotay: It's been eighteen hours. Seven: Then it's not too late to reactivate him. Paris: What are you saying? You can bring Neelix back to life? Seven: That's precisely what I'm saying. The Borg have assimilated species with far greater medical knowledge than your own. We are capable of reactivating drones as much as seventy three hours after what you would call death. Chakotay: Neelix wasn't a Borg drone. Seven: We will adapt. Emh: What does this procedure involve? Seven: Nanoprobes are used to reverse cellular necrosis, while the cerebral cortex is stimulated with a neuroelectric isopulse. Emh: But there's nothing left to stimulate. His brain functions are gone. Seven: By your narrow definition, perhaps, but not by mine. You will extract seventy micrograms of nanoprobes from my bloodstream. I will modify them to match his Talaxian physiology. His function in this crew is diverse. If you wish to salvage him we must proceed immediately. Paris: I say we let her try. Janeway: Hold on a minute, Tom, please. No one's ever been resuscitated after being dead for eighteen hours. If this procedure does work, what are the chances that Neelix would come out of it unaffected? Emh: She's right. The damage to his cerebral cortex was severe. Seven: The nanoprobes will compensate for any cellular degradation. Captain, a decision has to be made quickly. Janeway: Doctor, give Seven whatever assistance she needs. Proceed. Emh: Captain Janeway: Do it. If there's a chance we can revive Neelix, we're got to take it. Keep me informed. Seven: The nanoprobes are ready. We should begin. Emh: Hold on. I want to check his blood viscosity. Seven: The cadaver has been sufficiently prepared. Emh: And they say I have a lousy bedside manner. Seven: Set neuroelectric isopulses for one second intervals. Emh: Ready. Seven: Now. Seven: Neural activity at nine percent, ten percent, twelve percent. Emh: This is incredible. His intracerebral blood pressure, his synaptic responses, they're all returning to normal. Seven: The alveoli in his lung are regenerating. They should be functional Seven: Now. Neural activity at fifty two percent and rising. Emh: His neurotransmitter levels are rising too fast. Seven: We must stabilize his motor neurones. Emh: I'm going to try reducing his acetocholine levels. It might be enough to Neelix: Doctor. Emh: Neelix. Neelix: What happened. What happened? Why am, why am I here? Neelix: Dead? Emh: For eighteen hours, forty nine minutes, thirteen seconds. Congratulations, Mister Neelix. You've just set a new world record. Neelix: That's impossible. You mean I lost consciousness. I was, I was in a coma. Seven: No. You were dead. Neelix: I'm stunned. I'm amazed. I'm grateful. Thank you, Doctor. Janeway: Actually, you can thank Seven of Nine. The procedure was her idea. Neelix: Yours? Seven: The Borg have assimilated the technique from species one four nine. I simply modified it. But you are welcome. Neelix: Am I good as new? Emh: That remains to be seen. There's no way to tell if your body will successfully take over the functions the nanoprobes are serving. Neelix: Nanoprobes? Janeway: It was necessary, to repair the necrotised tissue. Emh: Until I'm certain the damaged tissue can function independently, you'll have to be injected with nanoprobes on a daily basis. Neelix: Well, as long as I don't start assimilating the crew or sprouting Borg implants, I'm sure I can live with it. Emh: I'm releasing you to your quarters. Your body's been through quite a shock, so try to get some rest. Report to Sickbay tomorrow at oh eight hundred hours for your next injection. Neelix: The shuttle mission, was it a success? Did we get the protomatter? Janeway: I'm afraid not. The sample you collected destabilized before it got back to Voyager. Neelix: The containment field needs to be reinforced next time. Janeway: If there is a next time. I've asked Chakotay to find out exactly what caused the accident, and unless we can take additional precautions I'm not sending another team into that nebula. Neelix: I could help with that investigation. Janeway: No. You are taking some time off, and that's an order. Neelix: No, Captain, please. I don't need any special treatment. Janeway: Neelix, you've just returned from the dead. Go easy on yourself. Neelix: Yes, I suppose you're right. Oh, but you can't ask me to cancel the first night of Prixin. The celebration is in three days. Janeway: Oh, I almost forgot. Neelix: I've been aging fruit compote in moolt nectar for weeks now. I can't just let it go to waste. Janeway: Only if you feel up to it. Could you not ferment those compotes so long this time, because last year I got a little light-headed. Neelix: I'll make the necessary adjustments. Janeway: It's good to have you back. Neelix: It's good to be back, Captain. Neelix: Alixia? Why weren't you there? Seven: Human attitudes toward death are perplexing. Tuvok: How so? Seven: Too much importance is placed on it. There seem to be countless rituals and cultural beliefs designed to alleviate their fear of a simple biological truth. All organisms eventually perish. Tuvok: I take it the Borg have no fear of that biological truth. Seven: None. When a drone is damaged beyond repair, it is diskarded. But it's memories continue to exist in the Collective consciousness. To use a human term, the Borg are immortal. Tuvok: You are no longer part of the Collective. You are mortal now like the rest of us. Does that disturb you? Seven: My connection to the Borg has been severed, but the Collective still possesses my recollections, my experiences. In a sense, I will always exist. Tuvok: Fascinating. That must be a great relief. Seven: Yes, it is. Paris: I've sealed the fractures in the shuttle nacelle. The rest of the repairs should be completed by morning. Chakotay: Good. How are you coming? Torres: I found a small phase variance in the transporter logs. I think it was responsible for igniting the protomatter. I've remodulated the transporter beam to compensate. Chakotay: Good work. I'll be in holodeck two. I've created a simulation of the shuttle accident, to see if there's anything we've overlooked. Neelix: Commander. Commander, I thought you might need some assistance on the holodeck. Chakotay: If you're feeling up to it. Neelix: Well, I'm up to anything at this point. I've been resting for two days straight and resting makes me feel, well, restless. Chakotay: I've programmed the simulation to start when we found the protomatter. Why don't you monitor the containment field readings? Neelix: Gladly. Chakotay: Computer, display shuttle crew excluding myself and begin program. HOLO- Paris: There's a concentration of protomatter directly ahead. HOLO- Neelix: Set the transporter for ten thousand amu's, not a particle more. The containment field is standing by. HOLO- Paris: We're in range. The transporter beam ignited the protomatter. Chakotay: Computer, freeze program. Looks like there was a problem with the pattern buffer. It might have created a feedback loop along the transporter beam. Neelix: Sounds right. Chakotay: Let's keep an eye on it. See what happened at the moment of impact. Computer, resume program. HOLO- Paris: Shields are weakening. Shields are down. HOLO- Neelix: I've got the sample, Commander, and it's stable. Let's get out of here. Neelix: Computer, freeze program. Neelix: Nothing. Chakotay: What? Neelix: I died, and there was nothing. There was no one there. No Forest. Chakotay: Forest? Neelix: The Great Forest. The afterlife. I was taught that when I died my ancestors would be there, waiting for me by the Guiding Tree. My sisters, my mother and father, my cousings. Everyone who was killed in the war. I took great comfort in knowing that we'd all be together again one day. But it's not true. Chakotay: Maybe we pulled you back before any of that could happen. Neelix: No. I was dead for eighteen hours. I should have experienced something, should remember something. It's just a story, a myth. There is no Guiding Tree. No gathering of the ancestors. Chakotay: You can't be certain of that. Don't throw away a lifetime of faith because of one anomalous incident. Death is still the greatest mystery there is. Neelix: I was there. I experienced it. There was nothing. Chakotay: Computer, delete characters. Neelix: That's what's going to happen to all of us. Like a hologram, we just disappear into nothing. Tuvok: Attention, attention. If I may have everyone's attention. Paris: You might want to try the old glass and spoon approach. Tuvok: Glass and spoon? Paris: Excuse me. Tuvok: Thank you. Welcome to the first night of Prixin, the Talaxian observance of familial allegiance. This year, Mister Neelix has requested that I commence the celebration with the traditional salutation. We do not stand alone. We are in the arms of family. Father, mother, sister, brother. Father's father, father's mother, father's brother, mother's brother. Suffice to say, the list is extensive. We gather on this day to extol the warmth and joy of those unshakable bonds. Without them, we could not call ourselves complete. On this day, we are thankful to be together. We do not stand alone. Janeway: Indeed we do not. Paris: A few days ago we almost lost a member of our family. I don't know about how the rest of you feel, but it scared the hell out of me. Neelix, you still don't know how to make a pizza, but I'm glad you're here. Janeway: So am I. Here's to you, Neelix. All: Speech, speech, speech! Neelix: Thank you, everyone. Well, er, enjoy. Computer, music. Chakotay: You all right? Neelix: Fine, Commander, fine. I apologize for the other day on the holodeck. I guess this whole back from the dead thing is hard to get used to. I'm fine now. Chakotay: If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me. Janeway: Having fun? Seven: No. Janeway: That's probably because you've been standing here by yourself. Seven: I don't understand the rules and procedures for this type of social occasion. Janeway: The rules are simple. Choose a group of people. Listen to their conversation. Then, when you feel you have something to contribute, chime in. Seven: Chime in? Janeway: Say something. Join the discussion. Seven: I will try, Captain. Emh: The early stages of Ktarian development are astounding. Naomi has grown five centimeters since her last physical, and that was only three weeks ago. Wildman: It seems like every time I turn around I'm recycling her clothes back into the replicator. Seven: Children assimilated by the Borg are placed in maturation chambers for seventeen cycles. Wildman: Interesting. Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go talk to Neelix. Emh: In these maturation chambers, the development of conversational skills is, I suppose, a low priority? Wildman: Neelix. Wildman: Oh, I'm sorry. Neelix: No, no, no, it's all right. Wildman: We haven't seen you in a few days. Neelix: I've been a little preoccupied. Wildman: I understand. Naomi's been asking about you. Neelix: Really? Wildman: She misses you. Frankly, so do I. She's had trouble sleeping every night this week. Only Neelix can tuck me in. I want Neelix. Neelix: Sounds familiar. Wildman: Maybe you could stop by later just to say hello. Neelix: Why don't, why don't I go now? It's close to Naomi's bedtime. Wildman: Are you sure? Prixin's your favorite holiday. Neelix: Yes, but duty calls. Neelix: Attention all monsters. Get out of this room. Naomi: My bed. Neelix: Oh, there's no monsters here. Neelix: Ah, it's a monster! Naomi: Scared you! Neelix: You certainly did. Pleasant dreams, sweeting. Naomi: Can you stay longer? I want to hear about the Great Forest again. Neelix: The Great Forest? Naomi: The special place. The place you think about when you can't sleep. Neelix: Are you sure you want to hear about that? It's just a silly old story. Naomi: Please. Neelix: Well, it's a beautiful place filled with sunlight. Naomi: And all the people who ever loved me. Neelix: Yes. They've all gathered there to watch over you, to protect you while you sleep. Naomi: I had a dream about the Great Forest last night. Neelix: You did? Naomi: There was trees and grass and animals, and I saw you and Mommy and we were all happy. Neelix: Sounds like a nice dream. Naomi: It was beautiful. Seven: The Doctor asked me to run a haemotological scan. Neelix: Why? Seven: To regulate the dosage of nanoprobes for your next injection. Neelix: Go ahead. How much longer will I be needing these injections? Seven: Till your damaged cells can function on their own. Neelix: I don't really like the idea of Borg technology swimming around inside me. Seven: That is irrelevant. You need the nanoprobes to live. Neelix: Live? Oh, is that what I am doing right now? Living? I'm beginning to wonder. Seven: By most definitions you are alive. Neelix: Well, part of me isn't alive. Seven: Which part are you referring to? Neelix: I don't know, but something is missing. I don't feel like Neelix anymore. Maybe Neelix is gone? Maybe he died, and I'm all that's left. Seven: Stop moving and allow me to complete the scan. Neelix: I didn't ask to be bought back! Seven: You were dead at the time. Neelix: Well, what right did you have to violate me? You Borg think you can fix anything but you didn't fix me! Seven: There was no alternative. Neelix: Get out. Just leave me alone! I said get out! Seven: I would be negligent in my duties if I did that. Neelix: I don't care about your duties. I don't care Neelix: What's, what's happening to me? Seven: Your cells are returning to a necrotic state. We must get you to Sickbay. Emh: His tissue began rejecting the nanoprobes, causing spontaneous necrosis throughout his body. Seven: We modified the nanoprobes to compensate and it appears to be working. Neelix is stable, for now. Janeway: How do we know this won't happen again? Emh: We don't. I've designed a monitor for Neelix to wear that will alert us at the first sign of necrosis, and we'll continue with the daily injections. Beyond that, I'm afraid it's a matter of maintenance. He may have to live with this condition for the rest of his life. He wants to speak with you, Commander. Neelix: Commander, you said if I ever needed anything? You once told me your people have technology that can induce a deep meditation, an altered state of consciousness. Chakotay: The akoonah. Neelix: That this device allows you to look inside yourself, ask questions that you might otherwise be afraid to ask. Chakotay: That's right. Neelix: That's what I need. I need to look inside myself, figure out what's happening to me. I need answers. Will you help me, Commander? Chakotay: All right. But I want you to understand, the vision quest isn't a quick fix. It'll take time to interpret the images, and there's no guarantee you'll find what you're looking for. Neelix: I understand. What should I do to prepare? Chakotay: You'll need a medicine bundle. Items that define you. Things that will ground you, allow you to take the journey into yourself. Neelix: I'll get ready. Neelix: This belonged to my sister, Alixia. She made it during her expedition to the dunes of Talmouth. A flower from Kes' garden. And last but not least, the Guiding Tree. It stands at the center of Talaxian afterlife, deep inside the Great Forest. It's there to help us find our way when we first arrive. At least, that's what I used to believe. Not a very impressive medicine bundle, is it? Chakotay: It'll do fine. Now place your hand on the akoonah. Neelix: Am I doing this right? Chakotay: Try to relax. Clear your mind of everything but the objects before you. Focus on them. Nothing else exists. A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. We come here seeking guidance. It's time, Neelix. Try to leave this room, this ship, and go to a place where you were the most peaceful and content you have ever been. That's where your journey will begin. Paris: Neelix. Good to have you back. Neelix: it's good to be back, Lieutenant. Neelix: Alixia? Alixia, it's me, Neelix. Over here. Neelix: Captain! My sister, she was just standing here talking to you. Janeway: The dead girl. Oh yes, very charming. I can see the family resemblance. Neelix: Alixia! Seven: You will be assimilated. Neelix: No time for that now. Maybe later. Kim: Potent stuff. Neelix: The lights. It's beautiful. Alixia: Yes. It's just like you always imagined it would be. The trees, the sunlight, and everyone who ever loved you. Neelix: When I died, I looked for you, but you weren't there. Why weren't you there? Alixia: Because it's all a lie. Neelix: What do you mean? Alixia: You've wasted your entire life believing lies. The Great Forest? The afterlife? It's all created out of your fear of death. None of it's real. Neelix: If that's true, what's the point of living? Alixia: There isn't any. That's what you're finally starting to realize. I'm afraid to go to sleep. tell me about the Great Forest, Neelix. Tell me about the trees, and the grass, and all the people who loved you! Neelix: Why are you saying these things? Alixia: Scared you! Neelix: You died on that shuttlecraft, Neelix. They never should have brought you back. It was a mistake, and you know it. Now accept it. You know what you have to do. Neelix: No. Paris: It's all a lie. They lied to you. Naomi: You know what you have to do. Tuvok: We gather on this day to tell Neelix what he must do. Janeway: You stand alone. Seven: Life is irrelevant. Torres: Let go. Kim: It's pointless. Chakotay: It's a lie. Emh: You know what you have to do. Neelix: No! Seven: Neelix. Neelix: Oh, there you are. I didn't see you. Seven: Are you looking for me? Neelix: Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I hope I'm not disturbing you. Seven: You are not. Neelix: I, I want to apologize for my outburst the other day. In the mess hall? Seven: No apology is necessary. Neelix: No, no, please. My behavior was uncalled for. I didn't mean the things I said. I wasn't myself. But I feel much better now. Commander Chakotay has helped me to understand a few things. I want you to know that I don't blame you for bringing me back. To life, I mean. In fact, what you did was very thoughtful. Seven: I would have done the same for any member of this crew. Neelix: Yes, I'm sure you would have. Seven: Is there something else? Neelix: No. Yes. Seven, I think you've made a wonderful addition to this crew. I know it's been difficult for you making the transition from Borg back to human. Or half human. Or whatever it is you've become. Actually, you're just plain Seven to me. Seven: Your point, Mister Neelix? Neelix: I guess I just want to say. You're surrounded by people who care about you, and whether you know it or not Voyager is going to be a very good home to you. It certainly was to me. Seven: Was? Do you intend to leave? Neelix: Leave? No, I'll be around. Well, goodbye. Seven: Goodbye. Chakotay: What happened to you this morning? Neelix: I'm sorry I had to cancel our little chat, but I was needed in the mess hall. I've been so busy the last few days, I've let things slip around here. Chakotay: You're not holding up your end of the bargain. Neelix: What do you mean? Chakotay: When you asked me to guide you on a vision quest, I agreed. But I also told you it was part of an ongoing process. We're supposed to be discussing your progress. Neelix: What's left to say? I've told you I saw my sister, the Great Forest. I feel a sense of peace I've never felt in my entire life. It worked. Chakotay: You've only lived with the visions for a couple of days. That's not enough time to draw any conclusions. You've got to reflect on the images, examine them. Allow them to stay alive in your mind. A vision quest isn't just a dream you dismiss after your first cup of coffee. Neelix: I understand. Chakotay: Good. I get off duty at fourteen hundred hours. Meet me in my quarters and we'll begin. That's an order. Neelix: Yes, sir. Neelix: Computer, lights off. Neelix: And finally, Mister Tuvok. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to win your respect. Your strength and your wisdom were an inspiration to me, and I can only hope that your memory of me will serve to inspire you in some way. It was an honor to spend my last years on Voyager, with this crew. I want to thank all of you for your kindness and your companionship. Goodbye. Computer, end log. Encode for delivery to Captain Janeway in one hour. Kim: Captain, someone's trying to initiate an unauthorized transport. It's Neelix. Janeway: Where's he going? Kim: Looks like he's trying to beam into the nebula. Janeway: Stop him. Janeway: Janeway to Neelix. Neelix, respond. Janeway: Neelix, I order you to disengage transport. Kim: He's found a way to block the abort sequence. Transport's in progress. Janeway: Override it. Get him back. Kim: Bridge to Chakotay. We've blocked his transporter signal. Neelix: You can slow me down, but you can't stop me. Chakotay: What are you trying to do? Neelix: I'm going back where I belong. Chakotay: You belong here, Neelix. Neelix: Not anymore. I died in that nebula. You should have left me! Chakotay: Neelix. Neelix: No closer! I've created a site to site transport. No one can override the signal. Chakotay: You told me you were at peace. Neelix: I will be, as soon as I tap this control. Chakotay: What really happened in your vision quest? What did you see? Neelix: My sister, the crew, myself. They all told me the same thing. There's no point in living. And I agree with them. Chakotay: I'm sure those were powerful images, but there are many ways to interpret them. You may be coming face to face with your own fear of death. Or the manifestation of your emotional crisis. Your deepest beliefs have been thrown into doubt. It's only natural the vision quest would reflect that. Neelix: Eleven years ago, I saw my world in ruins, my family murdered. All that's kept me going is knowing that one day we'd be together again. That I'd see them again. But it's not true. And I can't live without that hope. Chakotay: I understand that this can change how you look at things, but it can also lead to an even stronger faith. You don't know. You're not there yet. Wildman: Ensign Wildman to Neelix. Chakotay: Answer her! Wildman: Neelix, please respond. Neelix: No. Chakotay: You're being called back to your life again, Neelix. Don't turn your back on it. We're your family now. Neelix: It's not enough. Chakotay: It is for us. His function on this crew is diverse. That's what Seven of Nine said about you. Even our Borg understands how important you are on this ship. It's not just the duties you perform, it's the way you make people feel when you're around. Neelix: That Neelix is gone. Chakotay: I don't think he is. Wildman: Why didn't you answer me? I had to have the computer track you down. Naomi thought she saw a monster in the replicator. Neelix, what's going on? Neelix: I'm trying to decide some things. Chakotay: That little girl needs you, Neelix. Monsters in the replicator? Who else on this ship can handle that? Neelix: Duty calls. Neelix: Goodnight, sir. Naomi: He says goodnight. Neelix: Goodnight, Naomi. Naomi: Goodnight. Neelix: What's the matter? Naomi: Mummy says you were sick. Neelix: I was, but I'm okay now. Naomi: Did a monster get you? Neelix: Yes, I suppose so. But I chased him away. Pleasant dreams.
Scene Description: "Previously on South Park" Daytime. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them' Stan: You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. [the others look up at him] Kyle: Going away? For how long? Stan: Forever. Scene Description: Cut to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron Chef: I'm sorry boys. Scene Description: Cut to Chef in a bookstore Stan: Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. [Chef opens a pamphlet about the club] Chef: Wow! Scene Description: Cut to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom Mrs. Garrison: Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?! Chef: What's the meaning of life? Why are we here? Mrs. Garrison: I hope you're making the right choice. Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room Cartman: I'm gonna miss him. [Butters walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa] I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! [turns his head left and cries into his left arm] Scene Description: Stan and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sunset Stan: Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. [Kyle draws close and hugs him] Scene Description: Cut to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying "Good Luck, Chef!!" hangs over the town mayor Mayor McDaniels: And we will all miss you, Chef, [Chef watches from a nearby table] but we know you must do what your heart tells you.. Scene Description: Dusk. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport. Jimbo: Bye-bye! Gerald: Good-bye! Mr. Mackey: So long! A Man: So long Chef! A Sign-Holder: Good-bye, Chef! Randy: Good-bye, Chef! Have a good time at the Super Adventure Club! Chef: [waves] Good-bye! [goes into the plane and disappears from the door. The door closes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman bawls uncontrollably in a high-pitched voice. The plane climbs into the sky].. Scene Description: And now, Part Two of "Life Without Chef" The boys are playing Uno in Stan's house. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone.' Kyle: Draw two card, fatass. Cartman: [draws two and puts one down] Reverse to you, Jew. [the doorbell rings] Stan: [irritable] I'll get it. [rises and walks over. He opens the door...] Chef: Hello there, children! Stan: He's back! Kyle: Yeah! Cartman: All right! [applause comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a hug] Kyle: Chef! I can't believe you're back! Chef: Well, it's true. Stan: But are you back for good? Chef: That's right. Scene Description: 'The bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news.' Mrs. Garrison: Hey everybody! Chef's back! Patrons: What? All right! Yeah! [they clear the bar to meet Chef] Randy: Oh, finally! [prances away gleefully after the others] Scene Description: 'Jimbo's house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down' Gerald: Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like interesting people. Chef: Yeah! Mrs. Garrison: But now that you're back here, does that mean you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore? Chef: N-No! No. Randy: Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again? Chef: That's right. Randy: Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. [catches his breath] Right? Chef: That's right, Randy! [everyone laughs approvingly] Jimbo: Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house. Chef: Thank you, Jimbo. Randy: Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in. Chef: That's right! Thank you. Good-bye everybody. Townsfolk: Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye. Kyle: Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef. Chef: You bet! Good-bye, children! [the boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy.] Stan: Right. Uh, see ya. Scene Description: 'Outside Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move towards the sidewalk' Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you? Stan: [stops. The others stop too. Stan looks up] Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little. Kyle: Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring. Stan: [turns left and cross the street. The others follow] Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good. Kenny: (muffled) Yeah, me too. Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now.' A Boy: [at one of the tables] It's really weird what he said, I don't know, it kind of confused me. Cartman: Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again. Kyle: Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! [a distraught Clyde walks by and stops.] Clyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff. Kyle: Like what? Clyde: I think...[glances at his food] I think he wants to have sex with me. Stan: What?? Clyde: I gotta- I gotta go. [turns right and walks off] Kyle: Weirdo. [Fosse moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in] Chef: Hello there, children! The Boys: Hey Chef. Chef: How's it goin'? Kyle: Good. Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love? Cartman: [The boys are stunned] Excuse me? Chef: Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love. Kyle: ...Chef?? A-are you ok? Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle. Stan: Dude, what are you saying?? Chef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children. Stan: ...WHAT?? Scene Description: 'Mr. Mackey's office, later. A detective is walking into the class' Det. Jarvis: Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef. Kyle: This doesn't make any sense! Det. Jarvis: We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile. Stan: No he's not. Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Uh huh. Stan: No he's not. Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Yeah, yeah he is so. Butters: What's a pedophile? Stan: Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, [whips out generic plush doll with no features on it] so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? [points to the genital area] Stan: NO! Det. Jarvis: Ok, did he touch you here? [moves two fingers over the groin] The Class: NO! Det. Jarvis: [sits the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples] Did he ever do this? How about this? [lifts the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area] Butters: My Uncle Bud did that to me once! [smiles unwittingly] Det. Jarvis: [gets off the desk and walks around] Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? [places the doll face down on the desk and starts humping it] Kyle: Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here! Det. Jarvis: [continues humping] Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh. Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them' Chef: Hello there, children! Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Chef, the police are asking questions about you! Chef: Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love. Stan: No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you! Chef: Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass? Kyle: Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?! Chef: I specialize in your asshole, Kyle. [turns and walks away] Cartman: ...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex. Kyle: He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things. Kenny: (muffled) Like what? Kyle: Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex. Stan: Well look, he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him. Kenny: (muffled) Yeah! I think... Cartman: Yeah! Kyle: All right, come on guys! Scene Description: 'The Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one ragged rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads "Super Adventure Club." The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge.' Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. [they step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up] Butler: May I help you? Kyle: Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something? Butler: Right this way. [the boys enter and the butler leads them] Head Adventurer: Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a- Butler: Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you. Head Adventurer: Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club! Club Members: Tally ho! Mr. Connolly: Indeed! Kyle: Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. [the members just look around] Mr. Connolly: What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does! Marksman: We travel around the world and have sex with children! Marine: Yes, what else would we do? Kyle: Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff! Mr. Connolly: Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! [turns and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago] Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit. Kyle: ...Dude! Mr. Connolly: I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club! Stan: NO!! Mr. Connolly: No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? [whips out a portable hypnotizer and makes some whistling sound effects] How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? [more sound effects] Stan: [unnaffected] No! [Mr. Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward...] Kyle: Dude, what are you doing? Mr. Connolly: [looks at his machine] Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. [hides it behind his back] Well, so long then. Kyle: Just what the hell is that thing?! Mr. Connolly: What? What thing? I don't see anything. Kyle: HA! I knew it! Stan: Knew what? Kyle: The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this - fruity little club! Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch! Scene Description: 'Robert J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine.' Chef: Come on, Children. Let's all go home and make love. Stan: You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good. Chef: I just like to make love up your butt. Woman: [turns away] Oh my God! Nurse: [comes out to get the next patient]Mr. Chef, is it? Kyle: All right, come on. [they follow the nurse in] Dr.Neeland: Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today? Kyle: Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club. Dr. Neeland: [approaches Chef] Brainwashed? Stan: Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr. Dr. Neeland: I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking. Stan: No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children. Dr. Neeland: Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah. Chef: Doctor, do you have- children? Dr. Neeland: Why, yes, I have two young boys. Chef: Have you all been sodomizing your children too? Dr. Neeland: You say he's never been like this before? Cartman: No, Chef has always been super-cool. Chef: I'm gonna make love to the children. Dr. Neeland: He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen. Cartman: So what can we do?? Dr. Neeland: I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process. Kyle: But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever! Dr. Neeland: Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children? Stan: Having sex with women. Dr. Neeland: Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away. Scene Description: The Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on. DJ: All right guys. be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique! Chef: [a long-haired blonde tries to excite him] Aw, come on, children. Let's go home. Stan: This isn't working. Dr. Neeland: WEll let's...give it some time, kids. [a brunette is keeping him busy]] Blaze: [coarse voice] Would you like to daaance??? Kyle: No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend. Blaze: [walks away] Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance??? Cartman: Come on, bitch! Dance! Blonde: Up yours, fatty. Cartman: Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off! DJ: All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spantaneous Bootay! [an immense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout enough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look.] Stan: Come on guys, we might as well go. [the boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage] Chef: God-damn! Stan: Chef, we're leaving. Dr. Neeland: No-no wait. Let him go. [Chef moves closer and stands in awe of Spantaneous Bootay] Spantaneous Bootay: [walks up to Chef] Come here, chubby. [buries his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold] Chef: Wait a minute. Stan: He's remembering. Chef: Children! What have I done? Cartman: It's ok Chef, Go on, remember! Chef: I'm goinna- I'm gonna- Kyle: Come on, Chef! You can do it! Chef: I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire! The Boys: Yay! Kenny: (muffled) Chef! Chef: Hey children, everybody! I'm back! [a tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes] Ow. Mr. Connolly: [The Club is there] Great shot, William! Hit him with another. [William, dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm] Chef: Oh! [gets groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes] The Boys: Chef! Scene Description: 'Super Adventure Club, a stormy night' Scene Description: Mr. Connolly Stan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?! Mr. Connolly: He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done. Cartman: Look, If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?! Mr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life! Stan: Oh Jesus, here we go. Mr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club. Stan: We don't wanna hear it. Mr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! [a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. [A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal. Stan: Immortal? Mr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper] Kyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds? Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years? Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded. Mr. Connolly: Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare] Stan: We're not leaving without Chef. Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. [dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating? Kyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef. Mr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door. Guard 1: All right, come on kids. Kyle: No! Hey! Mr. Connolly: [the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led by security! Haha! Stan: [to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room! Guard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room] Kyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend! Scene Description: ''The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef William: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down] Kyle: Chef, come on! Chef: Childern! William: Get out of here! Cartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash! Kenny: [launches himself into a spinning projectile] (muffled) Yeeeeehah! [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain] Stan: [rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef! Chef: [struggling] I can't...break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed] Kyle: Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room] Scene Description: 'The club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out.' Cartman: Run Chef! Mr. Connolly: [turns to see what's happening] What the-? Impossible! I made them leave! Kyle: Get outside! [chef and the boys reach the front doors] Mr. Connolly: Stop them! [he leads the adventurers in the charge] Scene Description: 'Outside the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge' Chef: Children! Run! [they run to the other end of the bridge] Mr. Connolly: Stop! [his group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side] Stan: We made it! Mr. Connolly: [calling out] Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? [Chef stops in his tracks] Stan: Chef, come on! Mr. Connolly: You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty! Kyle: Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? [Chef's hesitance shoes a dilemma] Chef? Mr. Connolly: Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL! Stan: [softly] Chef, we love you. Chef: [his eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts] I'm sorry children. [turns and walks towards the club] Kyle: No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that?? Chef: Get the hell out of here, children! Mr. Connolly: Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. [a fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams] NO! [The club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff] The Boys: Chef! [Chef tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He can't climb. The club members approach the edge of the cliff. One of them inadvertently kicks a stone off and it hits Chef, knocking him off the bridge and to his doom below.] Chef: Ack. [He bounces off five jagged rocks before finally...] Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! [...landing on the jagged stub of wood piercing through some rocks, which impales him] Ah- Awww! [blood spreads out under him] Stan: NO! [Chef struggles to get up, but can't move. A mountain lion leaps down into view] Cartman: A mountain lion! [the lion grabs at Chef's right arm, but is having trouble ripping it off] Mr. Connolly: We can't lose another member! Shoot it! [the marksman aims and fires] Chef: Ah! Marksman: All right, this! [fires twice, but the lion remains unaffected and continues pulling at Chef's arm] Kyle: [heartbroken] CHEF! [a huge bear appears] Cartman: A grizzly bear! Scene Description: 'the bear stands on its hind legs and roars at the lion, who lets go of Chef and runs up to the challenge. The lion leaps on the bear, trying to go for the jugular, but the bear grabs it and throws it off. The lion hits a cliff wall and falls onto the ground, dazed, but quickly gets up and sinks its fangs into Chef's head. Chef's face and left eye are ripped off and Chef is left babbling. The lion bites into Chef's right arm again while the bear has a hold of Chef's right foot, and at the same time, bear and lion each take a limb. Chef's legs and hips rip away from his torso, and Chef is effectively dead. The bear and lion walk off in different directions with their meals. The boys stare at Chef's remains in horror] Stan: Oh my God...They killed Chef! Kyle: You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!! Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester. [the men turn and go back to the clubhouse] Cartman: Maybe- maybe he's still okay. [the other boys look at him, dumbfounded] No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your- Chef: POOOT! [a mean final fart, and a soiled log falls out] Cartman: Oh never mind. Stan: Come on, let's go. Scene Description: 'South Park, a nice, sunny day. Spring is in the air. and a funeral for Chef is set in the town square. A long line of people are paying their respects. Mrs. Garrison steps up to the coffin, and Principal Victoria stands next to her for support. Down in the coffin is a spatula with a red ribbon around it. Kyle steps up to the podium, on which sits a picture of Chef and on the front of which hangs a wreath with the banner "R.I.P. CHEF."' Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. [Elton John is present] Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. [Stan, Cartman and Kenny look down at their feet] But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. [they perk up a bit] I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. [Timmy and Jimmy are sitting together] I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. [Terrance and Phillip are present, weeping quietly] So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains. Randy: Yeah. Mr. Mackey: He's right. [soft applause rises from the crowd] Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all. [smiles] Scene Description: 'The SAC house, operating room. The club members have gone down to retrieve Chef and put him on the table. Mr. Connolly and two of his men quickly get to work' Mr. Connolly: Is it working? Is it working? Tech: Yes. We've got a pulse! Mr. Connolly: Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! [an ICU suit is fitted onto Chef] We have done it! Good! Raise him up! [Chef and the operating table are tilted upright - but this Chef looks like Darth Vader. He has a glowing red spatula in his right hand] Chef, can you hear me? Say something. Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury Steak? Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on. Darth Chef: And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls? Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like chocolate candy? Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls. Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!
Rachel Green: Coffee. Joey Tribbiani: Thank you. Rachel Green: Cappuccino. Ross Geller: Grazie. Rachel Green: And a nice hot cider for Monica. Monica Geller: Aww, thank you. Uh Rach? Rachel Green: Yeah? Monica Geller: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser? Rachel Green: Oh! That's why. I'm sorry! Woman: Chandler. Chandler Bing: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you. Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day. Chandler Bing: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. Nothing. Phoebe Buffay: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know... Chandler Bing: Hey! Everyone: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Never mind. But it was going to be really good. Ross Geller: What's going on? Everyone: What is it? Chandler Bing: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor. Everyone: That's great! Chandler Bing: So... I quit. Everyone: Why? Chandler Bing: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job! Monica Geller: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years. Chandler Bing: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do. Phoebe Buffay: So was it a lot more money? Chandler Bing: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS. Rachel Green: ... the WENUS? Chandler Bing: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term. Rachel Green: Oh. That WENUS. Joey Tribbiani: So what're you going to do? Chandler Bing: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there. Phoebe Buffay: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef. Monica Geller: Um... hi there. Phoebe Buffay: Hi! Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so... Chandler Bing: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, yeah! Monica Geller: Well, what kind of food is he looking for? Phoebe Buffay: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu. Monica Geller: Oh my God! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, I know! So, what do you think? Chandler Bing: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Oh Monica! Guess what! Chandler Bing: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel Green: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there. Phoebe Buffay: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man? Chandler Bing: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. I added the "a-gogo." Rachel Green: Career counselor? Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do. Rachel Green: I don't! Chandler Bing: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross Geller: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech. Monica Geller: Oh, I love my life, I love my life! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! Brian's Song! Rachel Green: The meeting with the guy went great? Monica Geller: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right. Chandler Bing: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears? Monica Geller: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises. Rachel Green: What are you going to make? Phoebe Buffay: Yummy noises. Rachel Green: And Monica, what are you going to make? Monica Geller: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh! I know what you could make! I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. Ross Geller: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood? Joey Tribbiani: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free. Ross Geller: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma? Chandler Bing: Who are you going out with? Phoebe Buffay: Oh, is this the bug lady? Rachel Green: Bzzzz... I love you, Ross. Ross Geller: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum. Rachel Green: So what are you guys going to do? Ross Geller: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey. Chandler Bing: And he's not speaking metaphorically. Joey Tribbiani: So... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... huh-huh? Ross Geller: Well, I don't know... huh-huh... but I'm hoping huh-huh. Joey Tribbiani: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal. Ross Geller: Celia, don't worry! Don't scream! He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel... Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my... Ross Geller: Alright... Monica Geller: OK, try this salmon mousse. Joey Tribbiani: Mmmm. Good. Monica Geller: Is it better than the other salmon mousse? Joey Tribbiani: It's creamier. Monica Geller: Yeah, well, is that better? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know? Rachel Green: My God! What happened to you? Chandler Bing: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation." Phoebe Buffay: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that! Chandler Bing: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something. Rachel Green: Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt! Monica Geller: Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up. Chandler Bing: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you. Monica Geller: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche. Chandler Bing: Well... it is amouz-ing... Monica Geller: Hello? Oh, hi Wendy! Yeah, eight o'clock. What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... OK, great. All right, I'll see you then. Bye. Phoebe Buffay: Ten dollars an hour for what? Monica Geller: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out. Rachel Green: Waitressing? Joey Tribbiani: Uh-oh. Monica Geller: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but... Rachel Green: But, but? Monica Geller: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress. Rachel Green: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics. Chandler Bing: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. Amouz-bouche? Celia: Talk to me. Ross Geller: OK... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning... Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty. Ross Geller: Wha... what, here? Celia: Yes... Ross Geller: Ah... Celia: Say something... hot. Ross Geller: Er... um... Celia: What? Ross Geller: Um... uh... vulva. Joey Tribbiani: Vulva? Ross Geller: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling. Joey Tribbiani: Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times?? Ross Geller: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know? Joey Tribbiani: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me. Ross Geller: Please be kidding. Joey Tribbiani: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now. Ross Geller: OK. I'm in my apartment... Joey Tribbiani: ...yeah... what else? Ross Geller: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, look, I'll start, OK? Ross Geller: Joey, please. Joey Tribbiani: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! Oh... Ross... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now. Ross Geller: Wow. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, now you say something. Ross Geller: I... ahem... I really don't think so. Joey Tribbiani: Come on! You like this woman, right? Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: You want to see her again, right? Ross Geller: Sure. Joey Tribbiani: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt! Ross Geller: OK, turn around. I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this. Joey Tribbiani: Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead. Ross Geller: Ahem... I want... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips. Joey Tribbiani: There you go! Keep going. Keep going! Ross Geller: I, er... Ross Geller: I want to take my tongue... and... Ross Geller: ...and... Joey Tribbiani: Say it... say it! Ross Geller: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with... Chandler Bing: ...with?? Ross Geller: Funny story! Joey Tribbiani: You're not going to believe this! Chandler Bing: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together. Joey Tribbiani: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again. Chandler Bing: Again? Joey Tribbiani: And again, and again, and again... Hello? And again. Chandler Bing: Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? Yeah, I miss you too. Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? Well, that's very generous er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about... And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! I'll see you on Monday! Chandler Bing: Well? Phoebe Buffay: Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube. Chandler Bing: Look at this! Phoebe Buffay: Oh! You have a window! Chandler Bing: Yes indeedy! With a beautiful view of... Phoebe Buffay: Oh look! That guy's peeing! Chandler Bing: OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down. Phoebe Buffay: OK. Chandler Bing: This is great! Helen, could you come in here for a moment? Chandler Bing: Thank you Helen, that'll be all. Chandler Bing: Last time I do that, I promise. Monica Geller: Wendy, we had a deal! Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! Rachel Green: Who was that? Monica Geller: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress. Rachel Green: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. Monica Geller: Ten dollars an hour. Rachel Green: No. Monica Geller: Twelve dollars an hour. Rachel Green: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around. Monica Geller: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... twenty dollars an hour. Rachel Green: Done. Rachel Green: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat? Monica Geller: Hi Steve! Steve (drug addict): Hello, Monica. Hello, greeter girl. Monica Geller: This is Rachel. Steve (drug addict): Yeah, OK. Phoebe Buffay: Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of of, OK, smells. Steve (drug addict): It's a lovely apartment. Monica Geller: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour? Steve (drug addict): I was just being polite, but, alright. Rachel Green: What's up? Phoebe Buffay: In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie. Rachel Green: What? Phoebe Buffay: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja? Rachel Green: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK. Steve (drug addict): Is it dry in here? Rachel Green: Let me, let me get you some wine! Monica Geller: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... ... with just a touch of mints... and... ... ginger. Steve (drug addict): Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic! Monica Geller: I'm so glad you liked them! Steve (drug addict): Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them! Monica Geller: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets. Steve (drug addict): Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. Rachel Green: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything? Steve (drug addict): You know, I don't know what I'm looking for. Steve (drug addict): Ah, cool! Taco shells! You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope. Monica Geller: You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite. Steve (drug addict): Hey! Sugar-O's! Monica Geller: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes... Steve (drug addict): Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this! Monica Geller: No, we don't. Steve (drug addict): Oh, OK. Oh, sorry. Monica Geller: Why don't you just have a seat here? OK... give me the Gummi-bears. Steve (drug addict): No. Monica Geller: Give them to me. Steve (drug addict): Alright, we'll share. Monica Geller: No, give me the... Steve (drug addict): Well then you can't have any. Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! "Help! I'm drowning! Help!" Monica Geller: That's it! Dinner is over! Steve (drug addict): What? Monica Geller: What? Steve (drug addict): Why? Monica Geller: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet? Steve (drug addict): Hey! Joey Tribbiani: What a tool! Rachel Green: You don't want to work for a guy like that. Ross Geller: Yeah! Monica Geller: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it. Ross Geller: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking. Joey Tribbiani: So, er... how did it go with Celia? Ross Geller: Oh, I was unbelievable. Joey Tribbiani: All right, Ross! Ross Geller: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers. Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! And the... huh-huh? Ross Geller: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh... Joey Tribbiani: You cuddled. Ross Geller: Yeah, which was nice. Phoebe Buffay: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something? Rachel Green: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, where the hell is he? Chandler Bing: Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! Whooooaaaa... Phoebe Buffay: How's this? Steve (drug addict): Eeeee! Phoebe Buffay: Sorry. How about over here? Steve (drug addict): Aaaaah! Phoebe Buffay: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? Steve (drug addict): No. Phoebe Buffay: What about this? Steve (drug addict): Aaaaahhh!! Phoebe Buffay: There you go!
Jerry: (going through couch cushions) Where the hell did I put this? Kramer: What are you looking for? Jerry: The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? Kramer: No, no, no. Jerry: All right, what is this? Kramer: (clueless) what is what? Jerry: All right, very funny. I get it. Kramer: You're in a weird mood. Jerry: Come on. Go back to your apartment and fix it. Kramer: Fix what? Jerry: Your pants! Kramer: what is this? What have I got one pant leg on for? Jerry: Don't you know? Look-look at your face! You only shaved the right side of your face! What is this? A joke? Kramer: No, t's a joke.. a joke... a joke... you think this is funny? Jerry: Go look at your face in the mirror. Kramer: Wha-huh-wha-huh... Jerry: (pressing intercom) yeah? George: (on intercom) It's George. Jerry: Come on up. Kramer: I don't believe this. Jerry: You mean, you didn't know you were doing any of these things? Kramer: No, I swear. Jerry: I bet this is from that kick from that crazy Joe Davola. You better see a doctor and get some X-rays. George: (to Kramer) Ah! You're just the man I'm looking for. Kramer: Me? George: Yeah, here you go. Kramer: What's this? George: A dry-cleaning bill? Jerry: From that woman at NBC? George: Yeah. Kramer: A dry-cleaning bill for what? George: For vomiting on her vest! Kramer: Oh, come on George! I didn't do that on purpose! George: Well, I shouldn't have to pay for it! Kramer: Well, neither should I! Jerry's the one who left the milk in the refrigerator. George: (to Jerry) Yeah, your milk. Jerry: (pointing Kramer) He drank it. Kramer: I didn't know. Jerry: All right, well, we should all chip in I guess. Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: How much was it to clean the vest? George: Eighteen dollars. Jerry: Can you get vomit out of suede? George: I don't know. Kramer: Yo-yo Ma! Jerry: What? Yo-yo Ma? Kramer: What about him? Jerry: You just said 'Yo-yo Ma'. George: What's Yo-yo Ma? Jerry: He's a cellist. (to Kramer) You should see a doctor today. George: All right, come on, come on, let's go. Six dollars. Jerry: I can't believe she sent you that dry-cleaning bill. George: I know! Jerry: That doesn't really bode well for the show, does it? George: The show! Forget about the show! We should take the idea to a different network Jerry: Oh, yeah. Right. Like anybody's ever gonna do this! How did you get me to go along with that? A show about nothing! George: It was a good idea. Susan liked it. Now, if he hadn't vomitted all over her, we'd be writing it right now. Kramer: Jeez! George: Anyway. Jerry: (interrupts) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What're you doing? Give me that phone! Go to your apartment and lie down, I'll make an appointment for a doctor today. (on the phone) Hello? Oh hi! I'm sorry. No, that's my next door neighbor. He's not quite himself. He got kicked in the head. What? Really? You're kidding! Today? Yeah! Sure! We could make it. Two o'clock? Yeah, we would do that. Okay. Great! Thanks a million! Okay, bye. George: What? Jerry: NBC! They wanna have another meeting about the idea. George: They wanna have another meeting? They wanna buy it?! They wanna but it?! Oh! I tell you! We're gonna be rich!! What are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? Jerry: I don't know about sixty. George: Oh, it's gotta be fifty! Hee hee! You know how much Ted Danson makes, huh? Jerry: Ted Danson! Now, how are you comparing us to Ted Danson? George: I didn't say 'We're Ted Danson.' Jerry: Yes, you did. You said 'We're Ted Danson'! George: Oh! Jerry: You know, I think he wears a piece. George: Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it. Jerry: I'm ten minutes slow again! That's it for this piece of junk! I've had it. George: What, is that the one your parents gave you? Jerry: Yeah! But it never works. You know we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab. George: All right, we'll be a little late, I,m not taking a cab. Jerry: I'll pay for it. George: It's not the money! Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The Speed? The convenience? Leo: Jerry! Jerry: Uncle Leo! Leo: Helloooo! Jerry: Hello there, how're you doing? Leo: Ha ha! How are you? Jerry: Good, good. Leo: How's your mom and dad? Jerry: Good, fine. Leo: What are you getting to be too much of a big shot now to give me a call? I don't hear from you anymore! Jerry: Oh, no. I've been kinda busy. It's all. Leo: You know where I just came from? Jerry: (not enthousiastic at all) Oh, sure. Danny. Leo: He used to be in the pajama business. I used to be able to get pajamas for free. I used to come over and get pajamas all the time! Jerry: Oh, yeah, yeah. I remember. Leo: The funny thing is I can't wear 'em. I get too hot. I sleep in my underwear and a t-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just get the t-shirt off! Anyway, Danny says to me 'You need any pajamas?' Jerry: (interrupts) I-I'm sorry Uncle Leo, I really gotta get going. Leo: Oh. Well. You gotta get going, so go. Jerry: We, we got a big meeting with the president of NBC. Leo: Nobody got a gun to your head! Jerry: (seems sincere) Yeah, I'm really sorry, uh. Leo: Go. Really. I understand. You got an appointment, go to your appointment. Jerry: I'm sorry, really. Leo: You know, I know plenty of people in Hollywood too! Jerry: Sorry, really. Kramer: (from inside) Yeah? Newman: Come on, are you ready? Let's go! Kramer: For what? Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago. Kramer: what about? Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting a ticket today. Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later. Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand. Kramer: Well, I can't! Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! You wouldn't even begin to comprehend what that means!! Kramer: Shut up! I'll get my coat! Kramer: Don't step on anything. Jerry: You see the look on my uncle's face? Did you see how insulted he was? What could I do? Waht are we supposed to do? You can't leave. There's no excuse good enough to justify walking away from a conversation with one of my relatives. George: I didn't shave this morning. I don't feel like myself. Jerry: You could be a fireman on a fire truck on the way to a fire. You bump into one of my relatives. 'I'm sorry Uncle Leo, there's a building full of people burning down. I really do have to be running.' He'll go 'Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.' George: Look at this. Jerry: Why didn't you shave this morning? George: 'Cause I shaved yesterday in the afternoon. Jerry: Why? George: Because of the day before. It's a long story. Jerry: Is that Joe Davola? George: It's not him! Jerry: I can't live tlike this. I'm being stalked. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld? They're ready for you. Jerry: Oh. George: Mister Seinfeld? What about Mister Costanza? I'm not here? Jerry: All right. Look. Now, you promised you're gonna be a little more flexible on the nothing idea, okay? Jsut a little. George: Okay. A little. Newman: Okay, you're all set? You got your story? Kramer: No. Newman: When the cop stopped me, I told him that I was rushing home because my friend was about to commit suicide. Kramer: Uhm... Newman: Now, you're that firend. Now, all we need is a reason why you were going to commit suicide. Kramer: I never had an air conditioner. Newman: No! That's no reason to kill yourself! Kramer: Why? It gets hot at night, you can't sleep. You ever tried to sleep in a really hot room? Newman: Every night I sleep in a really hot room, I don't want to kill myself. Kramer: Well, I slept in really hot rooms and I wanted to kill myself. Newman: No, no, no. That's not gonna work. Something else. Kramer: I was never able to become a banker. Newman: Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You-you-you-you can't live without being a banker. Kramer: Yeah, yeah. If I can't be banker, I don't wanna live. Newman: You must be banker. Kramer: MUST be banker. Newman (Satisfied): Okay, we'll go with the banker story. George: The story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story otherwise it's just masturbation. Russel: And people really have to care about the characters. George: Care? Forget about care. Love. They have to love the characters. Otherwise, why would they keep tuning in? Jerry: Wouldn't tune in. George: Would they tune in? Jerry: No tune. Russel: We like to look at the show as if it were in EKG. You have your highs and your lows and it goes up and down. George: The show will be like a heart attack! Jerry: Just a huge massive coronary. Russel: So what you said last week about no story, you're a little flexible on that now. George: Is-is that what I said 'no story'? Because Jerry had to tell me later. Jerry: He couldn't believe it. George: (Laughs, snorts) I said, I said 'Get outta here! No story? Is that what I said?' Police Officer: Well, I informed him that he was exceeding the speed limit and uh, that's when he told me that he was racing home because his friend was about to commit suicide. Judge: And then what happened? Police Officer: Well, then he became very loud and hysterical. He was flailing his arms about as he told the story and then he threw himself on the ground and he grabbed me around the legs and then he begged me to let him go. And when I refused, that's when he began to scream 'My friend's going to die, my friend's going to die.' Russel: Look. I don't know how you two guys feel but we would really like to be in business with you. George: Well, we would like to be in business. Let's do business. We'll have some business. Let's have business. Jerry: We would love to be in business. We'll do business. We're in business. It's... it's business. This is business. George: Yeah! Stu: Would it be possible to get a-a-a copy of 'La Cocina'? Jerry: Your off-Broadway play. George: Oh, oh. Uh, you know. It's the damndest thing. I, uh, I moved recently and my files, pfff, disappeared. Now, I-I don't know if they fell off the truck or if there was some sort of foul play but let me tell you something. I'm not through with that moving company. Jerry: (backs his story) Hmm, hmm. George: That's my vow to you. Russel: Well, I got a feeling about you two. And even more than that. I place a great deal of confidence in that lady's judgment. George: Oh! That's good judgment. That's a pile of judgment there. Sure. Jerry: Oh! Taht's judgment. Yes, yes. Judgment with earrings on. Yeah. Russel: (gets up) So, let's make a pilot. Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity for the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker. Judge: I don't understand. Newman: You see, it'd been his lifelong dream to be a banker and he uh, just the day before he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank to turn him down so I was-I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say... Kramer: (interupts involuntarily) Yo-yo Ma! Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker. Judge: So then he didn't kill himself. Newman: No sir. He did not. But only by thge grace of God. He's in the courtroom today George: See? Jerry: Yeah! George: I told you, I told you! Ha ha ha! Ooh ooh! Jerry: Now, all we gotta do is write it. George: Yes! How're we gonna do that? Susan: Hey! Congratulations! Jerry: Thanks. George: Oh, thank you. Jerry: Thank you, thanks. George: Thanks. Gee, you know, I thought you were mad at me. Susan: No. Receptionist: Mister Seinfeld, you have a phone call. Jerry: Phone call? Who knows I'm here? George: When you sent me the-the bill for the dry-cleaning. I thought the show didn't have a chance. Susan: Oh, it was only vomit. George: Anyway, I-I would like to-to pay for the cleaning. Susan: Oh no-no, it's okay. comment from transcriber yeah, she doesn't want to be paid, didn't she send the bill? George: No-no-no, we all chipped in. We have the money. Susan: Well, it was eighteen dollars. George: Okay, uh, eighteen dollars, and there it is. There you go. So maybe we could get together this weekend. Susan: Yeah. Call me. George: All right, great. Susan: Bye. Jerry: Bye thanks. George: (chuckles) Bye, thanks. (To Jerry, when Susan is far) I can't believe she took the money. Jerry: Why? George: I offered to pay. She should've said no. Jerry: She did, you insisted. George: Maybe this is what the pilot should be about, vomiting on somebody's vest. Jerry: Nah! George: How much are we gonna get for this? Fifty, sixty thousand? Jerry: oh, I d-I don't know. I d- George: Oh, gotta get fifty. Gotta get fifty. All right, I tell you what. We go to the coffee shop, you call your manager. Maybe they made an offer. Jerry: Okay. George: (excited, pushing Jerry forward) All right, let's go, let's go, let's go, come on. George: Thirteen thousand? Jerry: Thirteen thousand. George: a piece? Jerry: No, for both! George: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode. Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson? George: Well, he does. Jerry: You're nuts! George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he? Jerry: He's somebody. George: What about me? Jerry: You're nobody. George: Why him? Why not me? Jerry: He's good, you're not. George: I'm better than him. Jerry: You're worse, much much worse. (crouches in booth) That's Davola! George: (crouches too) What? Where? Where? Jerry: Outside! I saw him outside! Elaine: what is it? Boyfriend: Oh, it's this patient. Elaine: (sighing) Again? Boyfriend: I'm fairly certain. I forgot to leave him an extra prescription for his medication. Elaine: Well, so, he can live without his Valium for a couple of days. Boyfriend: Nah, you don't understand. He could be dangerous. Jerry: Go outside and see if he's still there. George: I can't go out there, he knows we're friends. Jerry: Well, what are we supposed to do? I gotta take Kramer to the doctor. George: Tell the cop. Jerry: Good idea. Cop: Yeah, all right. Just let me get a muffin. Jerry: Thanks. Jerry: (back in booth) He's gonna get a muffin and then he'll walk us outside. This is a great way to go through life. George: I thought you said he was gonna get a muffin. Jerry: (bossy) What are you doing? Cop: What? Jerry: What, are you ordering food now? Cop: Yeah! Yeah, I decided to get a sandwich. Jerry: What happened to the muffin? Cop: I got a little hungry. Jerry: All of a sudden you get hungry? Cop: Yeah! You got a problem with that? Jerry: No! Enjoy your lunch. George: I thought he was just gonna have a muffin. Jerry: All of a sudden he gets hungry. George: You know, a muffin can be very filling. Jerry: I know! Newman: (interrogating Kramer) Mister Kramer, you heard the testimony so far. Would you please tell the court in your own words what happened on the afternoon of September 10th? Kramer: What do you mean 'my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be? Newman: You know what I mean. Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day. Newman: And why was that? Kramer: (to Newman) Would you let me say it? Let me talk! Newman: All right, all right. Go ahead, go ahead. Kramer: All right. Newman: Okay. Kramer: (to Judge) I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. Newman: And that failure to become a banker was eating at you. Eating-eating-eating at you inside. Kramer: (not convincing) Uh, yeah. Newman: It was your family that pushed you into banking , it was their dream for you... Judge: Mister Newman. Newman: Your Honor, I'm only trying to establish Mister Kramer's fragile emotional state, my entire case depends on it. Judge: Uh, continue. Newman: As you were saying, Mister Kramer... Kramer: What was the question? Newman: You're telling how your parents pushed you into banking. Kramer: Uh, well, my father when I was a kid, he took me to the bank and he lifted me up and he pointed to the teller and he said 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him, that's gonna be you some day.' Newman: But you never became a banker, did you Mister Kramer? Why? Why did you fail? Kramer: I don't know. Newman: It was because you hated your father and you would do anything to displease him. Isn't THAT true? Judge: Uh, could you get to the speeding? Newman: Yuh, yes. I intend to Your Honor. And then, on the afternoon of September 10th, you received a phone call did you not? Kramer: (puzzled) Phone call? Newman: Yes, a phone call! Kramer: From who? Newman: From me! Kramer: From you? Newman: Yes, from me!! I called you remember? Kramer: You called me? Newman: Yes, I called you, you idiot! Because you were going to... You were going to... Remember? Kramer: what? Newman: You were going to... Judge: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call a- Newman: Yes, the banker!!! Kramer: What banking? Newman: A banker! A banker! Your Honor, Your Honor, Your Honor... Judge: That's enough already. Newman: Your Honor, Mister Kramer's obviously very distraught. Kramer: I'm distraught!?! Wooh-wooh-hoo! Newman: (to Kramer) You shut up! (to judge) I demand a recess so I can take him outside and help him regain hius composure. Judge: That'll be seventy-five dollars. Newman: (Strangling Kramer) What's the matter with you? We had it all worked out! Jerry: Do you see him? George: I'm not* sure. Jerry: Well, either you see him or you don't. George: All right. I don't. Jerry: (looking at the cop) What is he doing? Is he getting coffee? I think he's getting coffee.! George: What's with this guy? Jerry: (still bossy) Did you just order coffee? Cop: Yeah. Jerry: This is really too much. Cop: What is your problem? Jerry: Well, I'm sitting over there waiting for you to finish your sandwich for twenty minutes. Now you're drinking coffee, that's gonna be another ten minutes. Cop: Well, you're just gonna have to wait. Kramer: Never said anything about the banking. Newman: You're off your rocker. Jerry: Hey you guys! Kramer: Hey! Jerry: What are you doing here? Kramer: What are YOU doing here? Jerry: Hey, is Davola outside? Kramer: Davola? Jerry: Yeah. Kramer: No, I didn't see him. Newman: Crazy Joe Davola? George: (reading the tabs) Jerry, yours is eleven dollars. Jerry: Eleven dollars for what? George: Muffin, sandwich and coffee! Jerry: (to Kramer) Hey, NBC okayed our idea. We're gonna make the pilot. Kramer: You're gonna do the circus freak show, uh? Jerry: No. Newman: Pilot? So what do you make for something like that? Fifty? Sixty thousand? George: What's the difference? The money is not important. Jerry: (looking outside) Hey Newman, is that your red car? Newman: Yeah. Jerry: I think you're getting a ticket. Newman: Deh! Kramer: Run, run! Go, go, go! Newman: Hey! What are you doing? It's after six o'clock! You can't give me a ticket! Hey, you're not gonna get away with this. I'll fight this. I got witnesses. Kramer: I saw the whole thing! Jerry: Maybe this whole thing would be a good idea for the pilot. George: Ah, get outta here. The vomiting is much funnier. Jerry: Oh, like you know what you're talking about! George: No, YOU do!
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, day. The boys are singing "Happy Birthday" to Stan. After that, Stan blows out the two Terrance and Phillip candles adorning the cake. Sharon takes a picture Boys: Yay! [Liane sits next to Cartman with a camera of her own] Cartman: Alright now, open presents! Open presents! Butters: Yeah! Open mine first Stan! It's the red one! [Stan reaches over and opens it] Cartman: Where's mine? Where's mine where's mine where's mine? Liane: [reaches under the table and gives Cartman a gift] Here you go, sweetie. Cartman: Yaaaay! Kyle: Wait wait it-it's Stan's birthday. Liane: Yes. Every time somebody gets a birthday present Eric gets one too. [in a softer voice] Otherwise, he gets a little upset. Cartman: [eagerly opening his own gift] What'd I get what'd I get what'd I get? Kyle: Oh God... Stan: [opening his gift] Oh cool, Legos. Thanks, Butters. Butters: I know how you like Legos. Happy birthday! Cartman: Oh cool! I got a racing game for Xbox! [Speed Zone for XBOX 360] D'you guys see that? Coool, huh? Kyle: Here, this one's from me, Stan. Stan: Oh thanks, dude. Cartman: Stan's getting another present, Mom. Liane: Here you are, muffin. [throws up another gift] Cartman: Yaaaay! [rips the wrapper off] Oh cool, look. A Ben 10 Wrist Rocket! This is exactly what I wanted for Stan's birthday! What'd you get Stan? Stan: Oh cool, is this the new Gersploosh album? Kyle: Yeah dude! Sharon: [walks up behind Stan] Uh, hold it. Is that a Tween Wave band? Kyle: Yeah they're the best! Sharon: Sorry, Stan. you know you're not allowed to listen to this stuff. Stan: Mom, I'm 10 years old now. Sharon: I've told you what I think of this music, Stanley. You have plenty of other gifts to enjoy. Cartman: Looks like somebody's on the rag, huh Mom? Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the kitchen washing dishes. Randy peeks in from the dining room, then walks into the kitchen Randy: Sharon? Stan told me you took away his music CD at his birthday party. Sharon: Oh for crying out loud, I gave him a great party and that's all he cares about. Randy: Well, do you really think we should be telling our son what music he can and can't listen to? Sharon: Yes I do, if it's that stupid Tween Wave garbage! Randy: Tween Wave? Sharon: You haven't heard it? It's terrible! It's hardly even music; it just sounds like crap! Randy: Sharon, come on. Don't you remember being younger and having our parents say the music we liked sounded like crap? Sharon: This is different! Randy: [waits a few seconds] ...So. Here we are. Now we're the old people who think the younger generation's music sounds like shit. Sharon: [stops washing and turns around] It's... not because I'm older. I'm telling you, our music is better. Randy: [mimicking an elderly man] "Back in my day our music was better! Not this garbage the young 'un listen to. Warber warber warber." Sharon: Fine, Randy! [hands him the CD] You go listen to it and tell me you don't think it sounds like crap! [goes back to washing dishes] Randy: I'd love to. I'm not an old fuddy-duddy, Sharon. I'm still cool. [walks out and towards his den.] Scene Description: The den. Randy pops the CD into the CD drive on his computer, puts on his headphones, and listens. The song he hears starts with a good beat, and he bobs up and down ever so slightly to it, but then explosive diarrhea is heard, and Randy is startled. He makes sure it's not him farting or anything. Sharon appears at the doorway with hands on hips Sharon: Well, it sounds like crap, right?! Randy: Uh... NO I mean... [looks at Sharon] I like it. Sharon: Oh come on! That music sounds like shit! Randy: No, it's just... young and hip so you don't get it, Sharon. Sharon: Admit it, Randy! You think it sounds like crap too! Randy: It doesn't sound like crap at all! I think it's awesome! [turns towards the computer. Sharon walks away exasperated. Randy clicks his fingers, but the farts noises keep coming and Randy keeps wincing] Scene Description: CNN Headline News Anchorman: It's called Tween Wave, and if you're a parent your kids are probably listening to it. A new music genre for the era from 2009 through 2012. or "The Tweens." Every generation has their music, but many parents say Tween Wave sounds like crap. Man 1: It's just vulgar and stupid, you know? Music used to be good. Woman 1: This sounds like poo. Man 2: [an elderly man] I certainly don't understand kids' music today. Sounds like diarrhea to me. Anchorman: Kids however say they don't hear crap at all. Kid 1: Parents are dumb. Kid 2: They don't get it. Kid 1: They don't get it. Parents are stupid. Kid 3: Tween Wave is swick. Kid 4: Tweem Wave is super swick and parents don't get it, 'cause their ears are old. Kid 5: Parents are dumb. Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys' parents are gathered in the living room except for Randy Sharon: We're sorry boys, but we have all decided that as of now, none of you are allowed to listen to Tween Wave music. Randy: [sitting with the boys] Ugh, that's so unfair! Kyle: But that's our music! We like it! Randy: Yeah it's good! Sheila: What's good about a bunch of crap sounds to a drumbeat? Stan: We don't know what you're talking about! It doesn't sound that way to us! Randy: Yeah it, it doesn't sound like that to us. Gerald: I wanna educate you kids with some real music. [pops in a CD of The Police's "Synchronicity"] This is The Police. Now you compare this to Tween pop and tell us which one you think is real music. [presses Play and "Every Breath You Take" starts up, but instead of lyrics you hear poop sounds] The boys: Yuck! Randy: What? Stan: That sounds like shit! Gerald: Whattaya mean it sounds like shit? This doesn't sound like shit. Kyle: Gross! Cartman: Turn it off dude! Scene Description: The Marsh house, night, Stan's room. Stan is in bed and Sharon is about to leave the room Sharon: Stanley I want you to understand that even though I won't let you listen to certain kinds of music, I still love you. Stan: I know, Mom. I love you too. Sharon: Soon you'll be old enough to make your own choices, but for now, I just don't want you listening to that stuff. Stan: It's okay, Mom. I understand. Sharon: That's very mature of you, Stanley. Goodnight, sweetie. [Stan turns away and closes his eyes.] Stan: 'Night. [Sharon turns off the lights and closes the door. A few seconds later, Stan opens his eyes and looks at the door to make sure his mom isn't looking at him. Then he reaches under the mattress and pulls out his iPod] Haha. [listens to some music. Soon some shitty sounds creep in] Ugh. [tries some other tracks, but each one has poop noises in it. He sits up] What the hell? [tries more tracks, but all he hears now is shit] Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle are listening to songs on their iPods Kyle: [to Cartman] Oh dude! Dude, this is the part I was talking about. Check out the bassline on this! [has Cartman listen to his song] Cartman: Oh yeah, that one's cool. [gets into the rhythm] Yeah, this part's killer. [looks like he's exercising] Kyle: [seeing Stan approach] Hey Stan. [hands Cartman his iPod] Stan: Hey dudes. Kyle: Dude, have you really listened to the sixth track? I think it's my new favorite. Stan: Yeah, yeah I've listened to it. Um, Kyle, can I talk to you alone for a second? Kyle: Sure. [they walk off to a small clearing] What's up? Stan: Kyle, I have to admit something to you. You know how I told you over the phone I like the new Gersploosh album? I lied. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, Kyle. Kyle: Oh. Really? Um well that's okay. Stan: No, you don't understand dude. Something's happened. Tween Wave doesn't sound the same to me. Kyle: Why? What's it sound like? Stan: It... kind of sounds like shit. Kyle: What? You mean like you don't like the singing, or the lyrics, or what? Stan: No. I mean it sounds like somebody is shitting in my ears. Please, just listen really close. [has Kyle listen to a track] You don't hear shit? Kyle: No. Stan: That doesn't sound like shit to you? Kyle: NO. Dude, maybe you should see a doctor. Scene Description: A doctor's office, day. Stan took Kyle's advice. A doctor is checking Stan's ears Stan: And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me. Doctor Caroll: Uh huh, and what about food? Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too? Stan: Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit. Doctor Caroll: [reads his medical file] This says you had a birthday recently? Stan: I just turned 10. Doctor Caroll: Well, that makes sense. You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes. Stan: So this is normal? Doctor Caroll: It's very normal. Let's just do a quick ear exam. I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear. [plays some music, with lots of fart sounds] What's that sound like to you? Stan: Sounds like shit. Doctor Caroll: Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan. [plays a Dylan track. Dylan gets through three syllables before fart sounds replace him.] Stan: Uh that sounds like shit too. Doctor Caroll: Wait, this sounds like shit to you? Stan: Yeah dude, it's just shit. Doctor Caroll: Well that's very strange. [turns off the player] Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else. [takes two pictures up to Stan] Look at these two pictures. One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper? Stan: They both look the same. [true enough, except for the turds] Doctor Caroll: You don't see any difference in the pictures? Stan: No. Doctor Caroll: [holds up the picture in his right hand] That is an ad for The Zookeeper and [holds up the picture in his left hand] that is a turd about to be reheated. Stan: They both look like turds about to be reheated to me. Doctor Caroll: Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called "being a cynical asshole." Stan: Oh no. Doctor Caroll: Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to [sounds shitty now, and Stan can't believe his ears. Soon, shit comes out of the doctor's mouth and Stan is more horrified] Scene Description: Randy's den, night. Randy has transformed it into a mancave, with disco ball and clothes strewn everywhere. Randy is reading Rolling Stone and listening to Tween Wave music through his headphones Sharon: [walking by] Randy, do you mind cleaning up the garage like I asked you? Randy: Get out of my room! I'm listening to my music! Gau! Sharon: Stop pretending to like the kids' music, Randy! It's pathetic! You know damn well it sounds like crap to you too! Randy: No it doesn't sound like crap to me! [one pooping sound and the headphones are off] Ugh. [gets up and walks around angrily] Sharon: Randy, don't you see what this is? You had dreams of being a rock star when you were younger, now you can't admit the next generation's music sounds shitty, it's called "getting older", Randy. It's okay. Randy: That's not true! I think Tween Wave music is complex and awesome and it speaks to my youthful rebellious spirit, Sharon! Sharon: It's crap, Randy! It's so simple and stupid that anybody could play it! Randy: Anybody could play it. Do you really think so? Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. "Steamy Ray Vaughn", who turns out to be Randy, is performing. Randy is tuning up when he turns to face his audience Randy: Hey everybody. Wanna thank you all for coming tonight. My name's Steamy Ray Vaughn and here's a little bit of Rattlesnake. [presses the play button] A-1 2 3 4! I've got a fever but it's under control! [fart noises, courtesy of his own butt] I said I've got a fever need to take it kind of slow [more fart noises. A janitor listens in] I've got a fever but it's out of control. Ga ga, ga ga, la ga ga ga. [more fart noises.] Bar Patron: You suck! Randy: No, you just don't understand Tween Wave 'cause you're old! [more fart noises.] Scene Description: A ranch, day. Two elderly men stand at a fence. One of them is the janitor Janitor/Farmer 1: Did you know we're livin' in the Tween time? Farmer 2: Nah, I'd a heard that. Janitor/Farmer 1: Guess it's the period between 2009 and 2013. They call it the Tweens. So they got this feller down at the bowling alley? He gets up on the stage an' shits his britches. Farmer friend 2: What fer? Janitor/Farmer 1: I don't know. But he gets up there and strums a gueetar and then starts loadin' his britches up like it's goin' out of style. [sniffs] It's like some kind of britches holocaust. Feller calls himself Steamy Ray Vaughn. Farmer 2: You mean that guy that plays the blues and died in an airplane crash? Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh. That's Stevie Ray Vaughn. Steamy Ray Vaughn just shits his britches. Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is playing a video game as Cartman and Kenny look on Cartman: Ohooh dude, sweet! Tackle him! Kenny: (Get him!) Kyle: Alright guys, do you think he's lying or telling the truth? Cartman: He's lying, dude. Hit X Kenny: (No, he's telling the truth) [Stan walks in] Stan: Hey guys. Kyle: Hey, Stan. What did the doctor say? Stan: He said I have cynicism? Cartman: What's that? Stan: Something you can get when you get older but, it's stupid. I'm not cynical. All the doctor wants is a paycheck. I went to him for help and he just stood there spouting a bunch of shit. Kyle: Oh. Well, come on, we're playing L.A. Noire. Stan: Agh, that shitty game? Who plays video games to listen to a bunch of characters talk and press the X button? Cartman: Oh, ask him about the murder now, Kyle. Kyle: Yeah, we got him! Stan: How can people say this game is cool? It doesn't even matter what choices you make. Kenny: (Hit the X button, Kyle!) Kyle: We're gonna level up to detective! Stan: That's such a shitty device to keep people playing. Kyle: Alright, ahhh, why don't we do something else? Scene Description: So the boys are now in a diner eating sundaes Stan: [looking at his chocolate sundae] Aw, dude, this looks like shit. Kyle: You don't wanna eat it? Stan: It just looks like shit to me, a bunch of processed, gooey shit. Cartman: Look like ice cream to me. Kyle: Erm, okay, I know. How about we go to the mall? Stan: Ugh, bunch of people trying to sell us a bunch of shit. Kyle: Ugh, okay Stan, what do you wanna do? Stan: What, oh I don't care, I'm cool with whatever. Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his farmer friend are present Randy: City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it] Farmer friend 2: Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whoopin' like that. Janitor/Farmer 1: I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance. Randy: City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chattin' with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks. Steamy Nicks: [sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins] Farmer friend 2: Wait now, who's that lady? Janitor/Farmer 1: That there's Steamy Nicks. Farmer friend 2: You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"? Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later] Randy: Yoyoyo! [more fart sounds] Sharon: [enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Janitor/Farmer 1: I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone? Farmer friend 2: Them britches have had enough! Scene Description: Ronny's Diner, day. Stan is in a booth, all alone. A waitress comes up Waitress: All alone today? Stan: Yeah it sucks. All my friends are sick with the flu. Waitress: Well, what can I get you? Stan: Do you have anything on the menu that doesn't taste like shit? Waitress: A little young to be so pessimistic, aren't ya kid? Stan: Why? There's nothing but shit on TV, video games are all shit, and the world's a big turd. The only thing that doesn't seem like total shit to me are my friends, and they're all sick. Just, get me a cheeseburger and tell the chef to go easy on the shit. [just outside, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny walk by, not noticing Stan in the diner. Stan, on the other hand, notices them walk by. He quickly leaves the booth and catches up with them outside, where they're happily talking about something.] Kyle: [laughing] I know! That's so hilarious! Stan: I thought you guys were sick! [the other boys don't know what to say] Cartman: ...Uh we'll let you catch up to us, Kyle. Come on, Kenny. [Cartman and Kenny turn and walk away. Stan approaches Kyle] Stan: Dude, you totally lied to me! Kyle: No, ah I didn't lie to you. Ah I was um... uh I felt better and then the guys called and said that they felt better and uh- Stan: Where were you guys going?! Kyle: Alright dude, we were going to the movies. Stan: Why didn't you tell me? I wanna go to the movies. Kyle: Look, Stam, we-we just wanted to be able to go to the movies and enjoy ourselves, you know? I'm sorry but... you're a bummer to be around. Everything is "that looks like shit" and, and "this is shitty!" Stan: You guys... don't wanna be around me? Kyle: Look dude, it's just one movie. We wanna have a good time. Stan: Please, Kyle, I can change my attitude. I promise. Let me go to the movies with you. Kyle: [thinks about it, then sighs] Okay. But you've gotta promise to not complain. Stan: I won't say a word. Scene Description: The Bijou theater, day. X-Men: First Class is playing. Inside, the theater is barely a fourth full. The boys sit in the third row. Stan: Oh shit. Scene Description: The Bijou theater, later on Stan: Jesus, how long before they start this Goddamned thing?! [apparently trailers are still playing] Cartman: Oh cool, the movie trailers! Scene Description: First trailer Announcer: Adam Sandler is Jack. Adam Sandler is Jill. [Jack and Jill are at a well, and Jill poops on Jack... and they both look like turds] Stan: Awww God! [squeezes his eyes shut and puts his hand over them] Kyle: Dude, you said you wouldn't say everything looked like shit! Stan: Sorry if I see things for what they are! Ok- okay, okay, I'm sorry. Scene Description: Second trailer Announcer: [a toilet bowl spews out shit] This November, Adam Sandler shits in your eyes, ears, and mouth. [Some eyes, ear, and mouth are shown separately, and poop lands on each of them] It's Adam Sandler in Pbbbbbt, rated Arg for pirates. Fuck you! Cartman: That looks pretty good. Stan: How can you say that looks good?! Kyle: Shhh, you're doing it again! Scene Description: Third trailer Announcer: Jim Carrey has a bunch of turds in his apartment. [dancing turds that create turd sounds, at that] Stan: [shields his eyes from the shit] Ugh. Cartman: Stan, knock it off! Stan: But it's just crap. Kyle: No, they're penguins! Stop it! Announcer: [shots of Carrey carrying two turds, slipping on another turd, then taking a crap while two turds look on] It's Jim Carrey in Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It. Fuck you! July 12. Scene Description: Fourth trailer Announcer: The President of the United States... is a duck?? [the duck pops up and opens its beak, which issues forth lots of shit] A duck is President and the whole country is goin' to the dogs. [two dogs are shown. One of them has his ass to the camera, and it begins to poop] Or whatever, the President is a dog. [the dog and duck now stand before a U.S. flag] Who cares? Coming June something. [a bunch of poop hits the scene, landing on the dog and duck and spelling out "JUNE"] Stan: Oh come on, people! Kyle: That's it, Stan! I'm not sitting through a whole movie with you! [leaves his seat and walks out. Kenny and Cartman follow suit] Stan: Oh dude dude wait, I'm sorry. Cartman: No, Kyle's right. You suck, dude. Stan: Me?! Did you see that shit?! Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman turn to leave the theater when Stan catches up to them. Stan: Hang on guys! Cartman: Dude, we don't wanna hang out with you anymore! Get it through your head! [he and Kenny leave. Kyle stays behind] Stan: Kyle? Kyle: [turns around] Dude, you've... you've changed. Stan: I haven't changed, the world has. Don't you see it? Kyle: No. And I don't want to. Look Stan, maybe we should fo- [poop starts coming out of his mouth and spewing all over the place. He then turns into a huge turd - this is how Stan sees him. The rest of us see him normally. Stan turns and walks away. Kyle turns and walks away in the opposite direction] Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon can be seen arguing through the living room windows Randy: You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?! Sharon: Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child! Randy: I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon! Sharon: I'm sick of having to...for this! You're 42 years old, Randy! Randy: I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be! Sharon: Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?! Scene Description: across the street, behind some bushes, the two elderly men are there observing the argument Farmer friend 2: What do you suppose is goin' on in there? Janitor/Farmer 1: Sound like Steamy Ray Vaughn is goin' at it with his wife over Steamy Nicks. Farmer friend 2: You... sure you wanna do this? Janitor/Farmer 1: We got to now, if their fightin' is our best chance tuh save them britches. Scene Description: back in the house Sharon: You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef! [the two men slide a side window up ever so quietly, go in, and sneak upstairs] Randy: Why can't you ever just support me?! Sharon: Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?! Randy: Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old! Sharon: WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?! Randy: Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft] Sharon: I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous. Janitor/Farmer 1: [the two men sneak out the way they came in] Come on britches, we're settin' you free. Randy: I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it. Sharon: I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me. Randy: You kind of seem shitty to me too. Sharon: People get older, Randy. People grow apart. Scene Description: Stevie Nicks' "Landslide" begins to play. Stan is seen at Stark's Pond looking at it from a bench. Kyle walks up to Stan, but keeps some distance from him, then turns around and walks away. Stan looks at a flower... which has a huge turd growing from it. A bee lands on it. At the house, Shelly and Sharon pack away everything in the kitchen. Later, Randy explains things to Stan as Stan's dresser is being moved. Later, a realtor sets a "FOR SALE" sign in place - four bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, back yard. She finishes and walks away. Randy is driving a U-Haul truck and watches the house fade in the distance through the driver's rear-view mirror. Sharon and her kids move into a new place. Sharon works on her room and gives Stan the box for his room. Stan later sits in a swing in the new yard. A small sandlot is nearby. Instead of a wooden fence, the new place has a wrought-iron fence. Stan looks up at the sun, which is a glowing massive turd. Stan is then seen at the cafeteria sitting at a table with a bunch of turds that are supposed to be his classmates. All the food looks like shit too. At night the police arrest the Britches Bandits, the two men who stole Randy's underwear, and take the underwear in for evidence. Cartman and Kyle play a game on Kyle's sofa. They look at each other and seem to reach a mutual understanding, since they smile at each other. Stan walks all alone in South Park and passes a duck in a tux. He stops and looks at the duck, who keeps walking. It looks at him and quacks out shit, which lands on him. The last scene is Stan lying in his new bed, in his new bedroom, looking up at the ceiling.
Dwight: Stop it! Jim: Stop what? Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha! Jim: [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did. Pam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, 'I will when you lose the baby weight.' Dwight: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clacking her stapler and Jim responding with tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael! Michael: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator? Jim: It's a pen. Dwight: Michael, come on. Michael: Get back to work, Dwight. Please. Dwight: Fine. [clears throat] Hey. Tap away. [Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on and Pam and Jim begin to blink rhythmically] Michael: Ooh! Things with Donna are so... oh-ho-ho! They're going great. I, uh... we're just clicking on every level. Emotionally and sexually and... orally and I am not used to relationships going this well. I'm actually having trouble focusing on my job. And I like it! Michael: Who enjoys the weekends? [all raise hands] Of course. Now the weekend is always great if you have someone, which I do. I have Donna. She is hot. She has a Pilates butt. But we need to find something to do this weekend beside have sex. Did I say that? Yes, I did. [all nod] And the reason you are here is that I need ideas for things that Donna and I could do on the weekend. So just shout it out. Stanley: I have an idea for your weekend. Michael: Okay. Stanley: Let me get back to my desk right now. Michael: Okay, you get out of here, big dog. [high-fives Stanley] Ah, no, no, no, no. You guys sit down. I need ideas. Pam: Stanley got to go. Michael: Yeah, well, Stanley doesn't help with anything. Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out. Andy: Walk around apple orchards. Michael: Oh! Andy: Super romantic. Michael: That's fun. Dwight: Eel fishing. Michael: All right. Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD. Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three. Michael: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro, um, P.F. Chang's. Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton. Michael: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, 'I wanna go to Mount Pocono,' you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI. Kelly: Wait, that's crazy far. Are you sure she's not cheating? Michael: You know what, Kelly? This is the real world. Not The Real World: Scranton. Oh my God, this is super weird. When Ryan had two girlfriends, he used to take me to some diner in Hazelton just so the other girl wouldn't see. Ryan: Some diner?! It was the Starlight Diner! It's in a LIFE magazine spread about Americana. Michael: You guys think Donna's cheating on me? Pam: No, Michael, no. Dwight: Are you nuts? Pam: You had a nice meal with your girlfriend in a lovely place... Michael: ... and... we had sex, too. Pam: That is right. Don't make any more of it. Michael: How? Pam: How what? Michael: How do I not make any more of it? Pam: You could start by concluding this meeting. Michael: All right. [all stand up to leave] And she won't say, 'I love you.' Dwight: Oh, no. Andy: How many dates have you been on? Michael: Nine dates. I said it on the second date. Andy: Mm. Oscar: That seems... quick. Even for lesbians. Ryan: Does she keep her phone locked around you, Michael? Does she watch how much she drinks around you, Michael? Ryan: Does she leave the room when she takes phone calls? Does she keep perfume in her purse? Does she shower before sex? Does she shower after sex? Does she... Michael: Yeah, she does all that. Ryan: Sorry, dude. Michael: No, no... Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run amok. Michael: Run what? Pam: Amok. It means, don't let your imagination run out of control. Michael: Why didn't you just say that, Pam? Pam: Michael, do not let your imagination run out of control. Michael: Well, that's easy for you to say. You have a bad imagination. It's stupid. I live in a fantasy world. Jim: You do? Michael: Yes, Jim, I do. And I can't stay in a relationship that is full of lies and deceit. Jim: But you didn't believe any of this was true five minutes ago. Michael: That's what makes it so wrong. Michael: Ever since I found out that Donna might be cheating on me, I have not eaten or slept. This not knowing, that's what's killing me. Dwight: Oh, God, that tickles. What did... Michael: [whispers] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator. Dwight: I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card] Michael: This is you. How much do you charge? Dwight: $100 a day, plus expenses. Michael: I'll give you $50. Money's no object. Dwight: I'm just gonna warn you... and I say this to all my clients... you might not like what I find. Michael: Okay. Dwight: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table, leaves] Andy: Of course. Yeah, that's terrible. Okay, let me get back to you. Hey, Stanley. One of my clients just called and said that their Sabre printer started smoking and caught on fire. Stanley: My doctor told me to cut out hot dogs. We all got problems. Andy: Hey, Gabe I need to talk to you about something. It's really important. Gabe: There's no way that you guys have any almond butter, right? Andy: Yeah, I don't know. Look, one of my clients called. He was in the middle of a big printing job and the back of the printer started smoking and then the paper tray caught on fire. Gabe: That's weird. I haven't heard of that happening. I would even settle for apricot preserves. Andy: What are we gonna do about this? Gabe: I don't know. Call HQ, see if they know anything. Yeah. That's what I'll do today. All right. Yeah. Andy: Let me know what they say. Darryl: [puts newspaper down] Wow. That dude is good. Andy: What do you mean? Darryl: You didn't feel like he was hiding something? Andy: I don't know. Darryl: Like he was... covering something up? Maybe. Darryl: Two years ago, Andy blamed the warehouse for a late shipment that he forgot to process. We got yelled at pretty bad. Almost lost my job, and I was mad as hell at the time. But I said 'Darryl, just wait. He's a fool. There's gonna be an opportunity. Just be patient.' [smiles] Dwight: [sitting on his Firebird's hood in front of a gym] Hi stranger. Donna: Oh, hi. You work for Michael. Dwight: I work with Michael. Donna: Right. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. [they shake hands] Donna: Donna, hi. Dwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna Is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news. Jim: That's interesting. Wow, it's a little early for ice cream, don't you think? Michael: It's never too early for ice cream, Jim. But we didn't have any ice cream, so this is mayonnaise and black olives. Pam: Oh!... Jim: Oh, my God Michael: It's comfort food, all right? [disgustedly] God. Jim: You know Michael, this whole Donna thing is gonna be okay, you just... stop beating yourself up. Michael: I know. Well, I hope you're right. We'll see what Dwight says. Pam: Why do we have to see what Dwight says? Michael: Because I have him investigating her. I'm waiting for a text update. Jim: Michael, no... Pam: No, no, no, no. Undo that. Undo that. Michael: It's too late to undo it. I need to know. Otherwise this thing is going to spiral out of amok. Pam: Michael. Okay, I'm... I'm going to talk straight to you because I think you need to hear it. Michael. Michael: God, this is so disgusting. Pam: Stop eating it! Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you. Michael: I know. Pam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in. Michael: That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carol, Jan. Pam: Helene. Michael: Helene? Pam: My mother. Michael: Oh. Pam: My mother, Helene. [Jim shakes his head] Michael: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life. Jim: You should stop this, [pulls away mayo and olives bowl] and you should call Dwight right now. Michael: [sighs] All right. [calls Dwight] Dwight: [at gym, looks ready to work out, checks phone, and tries to grab Donna's attention] Oh, gosh, we were both going for the same weight at the same time; you go ahead. Donna: Thank you. Dwight: It's all yours. [strains loudly to lift two dumbbells and a free weight chained to strap around his head] Ah! [after first rep, Dwight is injured] Donna: You okay? Dwight: Yeah, I'm good. Hey, you know an exercise for two people that uses the whole body? Donna: [chuckles] Yeah, I think I know what you're talking about. Dwight: Tractor pulling. Too bad there's not a tractor here. Dwight: [moaning loudly on exercise machine while staring at Donna who's next to him] Oh. Oh. Oh. [groans loudly] One thing you need to know about me. I don't quit until something tears or pops. [chuckles] You look like you're getting a good workout. Can I feel your pulse? Donna: Nope. I'm good, thanks. Dwight: Really? Hey, um... [Dwight gets up and walks sorely from his 'workout'] Old lady: Look, young man, can you wipe down that seat? Dwight: Get out of my way. Huh! Dwight: Tomorrow's fertilizer, am I right? Donna: I'm out of here. Dwight: Donna. Donna, wait, please. I'm sorry. Okay? Listen. We both know why I'm here: to see... you... naked... while... I'm... naked. Donna: You stay away from me, or I'm calling security. Dwight: Donna, come... Ah! Grr! Ugh! [Dwight is very sore from his 'workout' and cannot chase Donna] Michael: You're back. What happened? Dwight: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking. Michael: No, what happened with Donna? Dwight: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin] Michael: Ugh! Dwight: Put your fingers here. Michael: No. No! Are you sure? Dwight: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there. Michael: Who eats eight protein bars? Dwight: People who don't trust egg whites. Michael: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over. Dwight: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious. Michael: What? No, she didn't say that. Dwight: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] 'What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him.' And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly. [lays down gym membership receipt on a chair in Michael's office. Michael: I am not paying for that membership. Michael: [sitting on the floor behind Erin's desk, sighs] Ohhh... mmm... Erin: Maybe you'd be more comfortable in your own office. Michael: No, I like the attention. Is she here yet? Erin: Uh, no. [Michael sighs, Donna enters] Wait, yes. Michael: That's her? Erin: Yeah. Michael: Mm-hmm. Right. Right. Right. [Michael pretends to be speaking on the phone as Donna approaches] Okay, I'll talk to you later. Donna: How could you think I would cheat on you? Michael: I didn't. Everybody else here did. Everybody convinced me that something was up. They poisoned my mind. Donna: That's pathetic. Michael: Ye... pfff. Well, no. It's a lie. That's not what happened. I just like you. I can't believe I get to be with you. You work at an adult arcade. You could have any man you want. Donna: When I tell you I like you, you need to trust me, not some freak. [Dwight is gulping some sort of power shake] Michael: If you wanna dump me, I totally get it. Donna: I told you I like you. Michael: Well, you are boner-ific. [Donna laughs] Donna: Hey, if I said that we should go away for a couple of days, you would... Michael: ...poop my pants. Donna: Have you ever been to Vero Beach? Michael: Oh, my God, Vero Beach. No. Is that on the water? Donna: We're going. Michael: We are? Donna: Yeah. Andy: What's up? I got your e-mail. Darryl: Close the door. Andy: Okay. Darryl: I don't have a plan exactly. More of a loose structure. Gives me freedom to improvise. It's like jazz. [scatting] Andy don't mess with me. [continues scatting] I'll figure something out. Darryl: Some freaky stuff going on. I was walking behind Gabe and I heard some things. Andy: Such as? Darryl: It was kind of mumbled, I don't know, uh, only thing I could make out clearly was 'Andy,' 'Problem,' 'Eliminate,' something. I don't know what it meant. Andy: What? You don't know what it meant? How about 'Andy is a problem and we must eliminate him?' Darryl: Whoa. I hadn't even thought of that. Andy: [chuckles nervously] Yeah. Hah. Hoo. Kelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings. Donna: Thank you. Kelly: Did Michael get them for you? Donna: No, I bought them myself. Kelly: Where? Donna: Steamtown Mall. Kelly: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where? Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there. Kelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place? Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills. Jim: [to Pam] What? Pam: Hmm? Oh. It's probably nothing. Pam: Okay, heart-shaped jewelry is not something that a woman buys for herself. A man definitely bought it for her recently, and it wasn't Michael. Jim: Wait, so are you... you like heart-shaped jewelry, though, right? Pam: No. Except for the pendant that you bought me. Which I love. Creed: Psst... [Creed walks by Andy and draws his right index finger across his neck, further scaring Andy, Andy looks over at Darryl who is staring him down] Andy: Creed's head of quality assurance. So he'd definitely be wrapped up in this. Creed: So there I am, minding my own business and Darnell offers me three bucks. All I gotta do is walk by Andy and go like this. [draws finger across neck] Darnell's a chump. I would have done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less. Pam: So it turns out Donna and I have a facebook friend of a friend in common, so I was able to see some of her pictures online. [pulls out picture of Donna embracing a man and smiling] This was taken two weeks ago. And this was taken the same night. [pulls out a picture of Donna kissing the same man] This photo was taken this morning. [shows a baby picture] It's Cece. [laughs] She's never gonna do anything wrong. Donna: Isn't that something? Michael: Wow. [Pam knocks on Michaels door and goes in] That's exciting. Pam: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey. Pam: I'm sorry to interrupt you. Um, I actually have something very important to talk to you about, business related. Michael: Well it can wait. It can wait. Pam: I lied it's personal. It's about me and Jim. We're... I just... you're the only person I can talk to. Michael: Jim is her husband. Donna: Oh. Pam: And... Michael: And they are having problems, so sh... Pam: No, not... we're not... we're not having problems. But it is personal. And I would love... Michael: Good in bed. Pam: Yes. Yes, I desperately want to speak with you about my sex life with Jim. Michael: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching? Pam: [loudly] I need you to sign this! So bad! Michael: Okay, weirdo. Pam: I love [leans over Michael's desk to look at his computer screen]... this idea is neat. I've never been. It sounds lovely. [meanwhile Michael looks at the pictures Pam printed out] Donna: Yeah I think it'll be a nice trip. We're gonna get a lot done. Pam: [to Michael] You're gonna wanna look at the date on that. Oh, wow. Look at... golfing. [to Donna] Are you a golfer? Donna: I am, but I, I gave my clubs away. I swear too much. [Pam and Donna both laugh] Hey, you okay? [to Michael, walking away disappointedly] Michael: Yeah, I just remembered that I have to go to the bathroom. Pam? Pam: Absolutely. [both leave Michael's office] Darryl: Look, I'm not down there anymore, so if the guys start making fun of you, you just, you gotta stand up for yourself. Glen: I know, it's just, I'm scared... Andy: Your text said 911. Darryl: Glen, could you excuse us? [Andy slams the door after Glen leaves, panting heavily] Darryl: It's bad. Andy: What's bad? Darryl: It's real bad. Darryl: Still no plan. Andy: Oh, God. Darryl: It's getting bigger. Andy: I might have to go public here, but no one's gonna believe me. Uh... I need proof. I need, like, a printer to catch on fire. Darryl: I can videotape it. Andy: Yeah. Darryl: [to camera] There it is. Andy: There what is? Darryl: What? Michael: Who the hell is this? Who is this guy? Pam: I don't know who he is. Michael: God! Lowest of the low. That guy. Just a notch above Toby. You know what? Pam: What? Michael: I'm gonna kill him. No, I'm not. I feel... I... no, I'm not going to kill him. Pam: You just have to go in there. You have to hear it from her. Michael: I have to hear it from her. Pam: You have to settle down first. Michael: I need to have her tell me herself. Right? Pam: Okay. Okay. Yes. Michael: I need to have her say... Pam: Yeah, but you have to calm... Michael: I need to say, 'What the hell is that? What the hell is that?' Pam: Okay. Look at this, look at this. Baby picture. Michael: No, God! No, no, oh, my God! Pam: [in baby voice] Hi, Michael, hi, Michael Michael: [calms down] Okay. Okay. Okay. Gabe: [to Andy] I talked to corporate. Turns out there have been 12 reports of faulty printers. Out of 400,000. [smiles] We've investigated. Every time it's been user error. They block the vents or something, I don't know. That's why we have the fine print. Thank you for bringing this to our attention. So I'd like to reward you for that. [pulls out gift card] That's god for five bucks at Dunkin' Donuts. Any Dunkin' Donuts. [Andy looks over at Darryl and Darryl motions for Andy to go to him] Michael: You know what? We should really do something fun this week. Donna: Yeah, we should. Michael: Wouldn't that be fun? Donna: Yeah. Michael: How about Thursday? Donna: Thursday works. Yeah, what do you wanna do? Michael: I can't do Thursday. Book club. How about Friday? Donna: Oh, Friday doesn't work. Michael: Oh, really? 'cause I was thinking we could go to this concert. Spice Girls are opening for Weird Al. Front row. It'd be a great, great concert. Donna: Shoot. I'm working. Michael: Oh okay. Well, maybe I could stop by. Donna: Well, won't you be at the concert? Michael: Nope, that's Tuesday. Donna: Oh, well, I can make it on Tuesday. Michael: You're cheating. You're cheating on me. Donna: How do you know? Michael: Pam told me. [looks up at 2nd floor windows and so does Donna; Jim, Dwight, and Pam are visible on conference room window, they all scramble as soon as Donna and Michael look up, Pam throwing herself on the floor] Pam: [gasps] Did she see me? Jim: [to Pam on floor] Nice effort. Andy: [in old Michael Scott Paper Company's 'office'] We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration] Darryl: You haven't even introduced yourself. Andy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much. Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird. Andy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention... Darryl: Higher. [motions with hand to go up more] Andy: Make it higher? Okay. Darryl: Mm-hmm Andy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation... Darryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher] Andy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it! Darryl: This... [removes camera headset] Andy: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl discharges fire extinguisher onto printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing. Darryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore. Michael: Who is he? Donna: What, what do you mean? Michael: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it? Donna: It's you. I'm married. Michael: I'm the mistress? Dwight: [on workout bicycle at gym] Okay, everybody, let's take this next hill. Gym Instructor: Excuse me. Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you'd just let me run this. Dwight: You know what? You had your chance. You're no leader. Out of your seat, let's blast! Gym instructor: Don't listen to him, we're approaching a cooldown down a gentle hill. Dwight: No! The hill's a trap. Let's take the dirt road off to the side. Gym instructor: No, guys, no. We're just cooling down... Dwight: If they catch us, they will rape us. Go for the cliff. And three, two, one... jump! No! [points to those around him] You're dead, you're dead, you're dead. Good jump. You're barely alive. Okay, now nice cooldown. Check your pulse rate.
Oscar: Here are our final actual costs for this year. Michael: Mmm... okay. Oscar: As you can see, we did pretty well, so... Michael: Yes. Yes, I can see... that we did indeed. Why don't you explain this to me like I am an eight-year old. Oscar: Alright, well this is the overall budget for this fiscal year along the x-axis... Michael: Yes. Oscar: Right there. Michael: There's the x-ax...icks. Oscar: You can see clearly on this page that we have a surplus of $4300. Michael: Mmhmm, okay. Oscar: But we have to spend that by the end of the day or it will be deducted from next year's budget. Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five. Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars. Michael: Ho-oh! Oscar: So you have an extra dollar. Michael: Yeah. Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer... Michael: I'll be six. Oscar: And you ask them for money, they're gonna give you nine dollars. 'Cause that's what they think it costs to run the stand. So what you want to do is spend that dollar on something now, so that your parents think it costs ten dollars to run the lemonade stand. Michael: So the dollar's a surplus. This is a surplus. Oscar: We have to spend that $4300 by the end of the day or it'll be deducted from next year's budget. Michael: [whistles poorly] Whoo. Oscar: We should spend this money on a new copier, which we desperately need. Michael: Okay, break it down in terms of, um... okay, I-I think I'm getting you... Michael: Guess what, everybody? Christmas has come early this year. Oscar, very smartly, has discovered an extra $4300 in the budget. Thank you, Oscar. And I have decided with that money I am going to buy a new, drum roll please... [imitates drum roll] Can anybody guess? Pam: New chairs? Michael: No, a new copier! [only Oscar applauds] Unless everybody can agree on something better? Oscar: No, no, please. Please do not do this. Pam: Yes, Michael, new chairs. These chairs are terrible. We were supposed to get new ones last year. Michael: So... we all agree to get new chairs then. Good? Pam: [over indistinct conversation] Good? Yeah, he said good, I'm good... Oscar: Now listen, we are a paper company. How can we take pride in our jobs if we have to put our fine paper in this wretched machine? Pam: Oscar, no. This is not the time for one of your principled stands. Oscar: Pam, you make more copies than anyone. Pam: Exactly. That should tell you how terrible the chairs are. Michael: Okay. Okay, good suggestions. All good suggestions. Uh, let's just decide and agree upon one. Stanley: I'm with Pam. Chairs. Michael: Alright, so, teams forming. Toby: We should really have the office's air quality tested. We have radon coming from below, we have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers. Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex. Toby: You'll see. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yes. Pam: I've talked to Meredith, Stanley and Jim about the chairs. I know they're with me on this. Jim: Uh, actually, I'm gonna go with copier. Pam: What? Jim. Jim: Ever since Pam and I started dating, I just feel weird asking her to make copies for me. So, I make my own copies. And that copier sucks. Let me tell you, I-But you know what? Pam and I don't have to agree on everything. Meredith: Jim, good for you, standing up to Pam like that. Creed: The balls on you, man. Oscar: So Michael, what do you think? Michael: Why me? Jim: You have to make the decision. Michael: Wow, okay. Well... I swallowed all your ideas, I'm going to digest them and see what comes out the other end. Andy: Dwight, I'm a little concerned about some of these directions to Schrute Farms... Dwight: Yeah, do tell. Andy: I mean, like, '156 paces from the light red mailbox, make a left.' Dwight: Mmhmm. Andy: Walk until you hear the beehive.' Dwight: How could it be more clear? Angela: I think Andy makes an excellent point. Dwight: Okay. Angela: But my biggest concern is that there's only one bathroom. Dwight: We'll dig a trench. As long as it's downhill from the well, we should be fine. Angela: Nana Mimi cannot squat over some trench. Dwight: Well we're not gonna put out stumps, come on. Andy: Let's three-way this little issue, and come to a solution by the time we get to Schrute Farms, how's that for a plan? Andy: We're getting married at Schrute Farms, no matter what. I have looked at twelve venues, I have lost eight deposits, and I have seen Angela naked zero times. I am not losing another deposit. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: So um, I've been thinking about this whole chair/copier thing... Jim: Mmhmm. Pam: I really think you should reconsider. Jim: Oh, Pam, I really... hate that copier. Pam: Yeah, I know. Jim: Yeah. Pam: But I really think you should reconsider. Jim: Beesly, are you threatening me? Pam: Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim. I'm not threatening you. I love you. [whispers] But you should know, you're on very dangerous ground [kisses Jim]. [at normal volume] All right. Jim: Okay. Jim: [shudders] Whew. Dwight: This is where you'll have your receiving line. Of course we'll clear out all the livestock and hay and such. Andy: Hmm... mm, what's that smell? Dwight: You're gonna need to be more specific. Angela: Manure. Get rid of it. Dwight: Manure covers up the small of the slaughterhouse. Angela: Do you have to slaughter on our wedding day? Dwight: You wanna eat, don't you? Angela: Honey, say something! Andy: Uh, Dwight, if we pay extra, could you slaughter the entrees the day before? Dwight: ...I'll consider it. Andy: See? That's how you do it! Makin' progress here. [steps in manure, trying to laugh it off] ...Darn! Heh. Dwight: There's a hose out back. Andy: Okay. Pam: Remember, you were gonna get a new chair, and you were gonna give your old chair to me. Remember that? Michael: Yes. Pam: Well that never happened. Oscar: Michael? Michael: I don't know. I haven't decided yet. Oscar: I'm just gonna grab some lunch. You wanna come with? Michael: Really? Absolutely! Yeah, that would be amazing. Jim: Woah, you guys going to lunch? Michael: Yes. Jim: Mind if I join? Michael: Ohh, God! Jim: All right. Michael: Yeah! Jim: Let's go. Michael: Best lunch ever! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Jim: Let's do it. Michael: All right! Cool! Jim: Where we going? Michael: I have no idea. Pam: So, I guess that's how they're gonna play this. It is on. [very serious] It is so on. Pam: Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair? Oscar: [laughing uproariously with Michael and Jim] Stop it! Michael. Jim: Michael, that is hilarious. Michael: [through the laughter] Oh, is somebody making fun of me? Oscar: The best. Great friends. Thank you, Michael. [all three are still laughing] Jim: Ahh... I got you some tiramisu. No hard feelings. Pam: Aww. Jim: Yeah. Pam: That's cool. [opens the container and smells the tiramisu] Mm, good stuff. [throws it in the garbage] Jim: You look really pretty. Pam: Thank you. [goes to Michael's office and knocks on the door] Michael: Yeah. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah? Pam: Hey! Michael: Oh, hey. Pam: You got a second? Michael: I do. Pam: Oh, good. Pam: Oh, that must've been so fun. Michael: it was fun. We had a good time. Pam: Hey, have I told you you look really nice today? Michael: Oh, thank you. Pam: Yeah, is that a new tie? Michael: Um, no, not... no. No, I got it at TJ Maxx, four dollars. Pam: That is amazing! Michael: You think that's good? Check out these pants. Nine dollars. Pam: What? Michael: Nine dollars. The boys' department. Pam: No. Michael: Look at the ass. Check out the ass. Pam: [applauding] No way! Michael: Look at that. [begins dancing] Unh. Unh-unh. Pam: Yeah! Oh, so I guess Oscar and Jim were talking your ear off about the new copier. Michael: Yes they were. Pam: Yeah. Michael: They were. Pam: Here's what I was thinking: everyone sits on a chair every day... Michael: Mmhmm. Pam: But not everyone... Michael: Sits on a copier. Pam: Or even uses the copier every day. Michael: Yeah. Pam: Yeah, right? Michael: Very valid. Pam: ...That's it. [giggles] Michael: All right. Pam: All right, see you later... Michael: See ya. Pam: Hot tie guy. Michael: [laughs] Hahaha!... well... Dwight: Have you made a decision on the butter sculpture? Angela: No. I haven't thought of it. Dwight: Okay. Cow, goat or sheep. It's not that hard. Angela: I would like cat. Dwight: Cats don't make butter. Angela: I would like cow butter sculpture of a cat. Dwight: It doesn't make any sense. Angela: Yes it does! Andy: Okay, guys! Angela: I want a butter sculpture of a cat! Dwight: Cow, goat or sheep. Andy: What is this? All right, we're all on the same team. Is it- [steps in manure] Damn! Why is that in the kitchen?! Jim: [Pam is making copies and is struggling with the machine] You might want to consider changing teams, because we would-we would love to have you. Pam: No, copier's great. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Yeah. I have my copies. [holds up messed up copies] Jim: There they are. Pam: And I have my original. [holds up original paper, ripped in half] Jim: You got it. Pam: So suck it. Jim: Okay. Michael: Okay. Kevin: Michael, I got you a hot chocolate. I hope that's okay. Michael: Oh, thank you my dear. Kelly: Wait, Michael! Let me open the door for you. Michael: Oh, well, chivalry is not dead after all. Okay... Stanley: There he is! Michael: There he is! Hello, hello! Phyllis: Hello. Michael: Hello! Good to see you! Good to see you. Jim: Oh! Michael: Mm! [gives Jim a high five] Yeah! Pam: There's that ass! Michael: Hey hey! Yeah! Unh! Pam: Woo! Yeah. Aw, don't take it away! Michael: Oh... ah, I almost choked. Dwight: Here's another place. Angela: It's beautiful. Andy: Hey-o! Dwight: So... why don't we try this out, we'll see what would happen. Give it a little test drive, what do you say? You pretend to be Angela's father, you will play Angela, and uh, I will pretend to be you. That way you can see what it looks like when you're up here. Andy: [whistling Pachelbel's 'Canon in D;' switches to singing then back to whistling] Angela: [to minister] Hello, I'm Angela Martin, and- Andy: I'm Andy. Angela: I work with Dwight. Dwight: He doesn't understand a word you're saying. Andy: What? Dwight: Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German. Closed society. So, now, after the readings by all of your sisters, we will arrive at the vows. So, Konrad... [speaks German to minister; minister begins speaking in German] And away we go. This is a little taste of the ceremony, if you will. He's explaining why we're here, what we're doing here, making introductions, blah blah blah... Then he's gonna have Andy repeat a bunch of stuff. He's gonna ask Andy to produce a ring. I have uh, now just uh... just some twine for our purposes, and you will put the ring on her finger. Yadda yadda, then he's going to ask Andy, uh, if he would like to marry Angela. And you will reply, 'I do.' [Andy mouths, 'I do' silently] And then he's going to ask Angela if she would like to marry Andy, to which you will reply... Angela: I do. Dwight: And there we go. Okay, and that's just about it. Man and wife. Hank: Got a call about a problem up here. Pam: Did somebody call Hank? Michael: Hank, thank God you're here. The office is at a crossroads. Hank: So, there's no security problem? You know, I hustled up the stairs. Michael: Yes. I need your sage advice. And everyone, whatever Hank decides, that is the decision. That will resolve this issue. [Hank takes some jellybeans from Pam's jar] Yeah, take as many as you want. Hank: Thank you. Thank you. You know, it's nice and warm up here. Michael: Yes. Hank: So what are we talking about? Michael: Okay. Well, we have a surplus. Imagine that your parents give you money for a lemonade stand- Hank: I know what a surplus is. Michael: Oh, okay. Good. Good. Well, here's the thing. Some people want to use the surplus to buy a new copier. Other people are complaining about the chairs. Hank: Is that the copier? Michael: It is, yes. Hank: [inspects the copier] Hmm. Michael: What? Hank: I was just thinking. Let me see a chair. Michael: Okay. Pam: You can try mine. Michael: Oh, there we go. Hank: Hmm, not much lumbar support. Michael: Now everyone, bear in mind once again that whatever Hank says goes. He is an impartial third party. Hank: On the one hand, this copier is very old. You should see some of the new copiers they have. You would not believe what they do. Michael: So, the copier. Hank: Well, let me finish. Michael: All right, yes. Hank: Now the chairs. The chairs are very weak. Very weak chairs. I could not sit all day in this chair. Michael: Well, what should I do? Hank: ...Let me see the copier again. Michael: All right, get out. Get out. Angela: Dwight, I thought I knew what I wanted. And then, being here with you and the German Mennonite minister... it just all felt right. I made a mistake picking Andy. Dwight: I know you did. And that's why I have taken care of everything. Angela: What do you mean? Dwight: Well Monkey, he's a real minister. And you said, 'I do.' And I said, 'I do.' And Andy wasn't signing a receipt; he was signing our marriage certificate as a witness. Angela: Dwight! That doesn't count! Dwight: Yes, of course it does. Angela: No, it doesn't! Dwight: It does in the state of Pennsylvania. Angela: I didn't- Dwight: Haha, Mrs. Schrute. Angela: We are not married. Dwight: Wha... Angela: Take this thing. [takes off twine ring] Dwight: My... It's not my fault you don't understand German; I've been telling you to take it for years! Andy: Are we, uh... are we leaving or what? [Mose hits Andy in the head with a deflated ball] Ow! David: [on speakerphone] Michael. Michael: Hey David- [begins coughing violently] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm eating tiramisu. Some of the chocolate powder just went down my throat. I'm stopping now. David: Is this why you're calling me? Michael: No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm calling- [coughs again] I'm sorry. David: Okay. Michael: Mm. I'm calling because, um, we have a stupid budget surplus, and people-everybody wants something different. David: You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue? Michael: No, no, no. I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy. David: Well if I were you, I would just return the surplus and take the bonus. Michael: The what now? David: Branch managers who come in under budget get 15% of the savings. Michael: ...Like a tip? [calculates amount] $645?! Michael: I hate disappointing just one person. And I really hate disappointing everyone. But I love Burlington Coat Factory. You go in there with $645, you are literally a king. Jim: [on the phone] We have that going out Tuesday... Okay? Sure, no, I can... I'll double-check that for you. Michael: All right, attention everyone. Jim: Let me call you right back. Okay. Michael: I have made my decision. We do not need a new copier. We do not need new chairs. This copier... is... [puts paper on glass and makes a copy, then takes paper from glass] working perfectly. Oscar: That's the original. Michael: Pam, would you stand up for a sec? [sits in Pam's chair] Hmm. See how relaxed I am? I like this chair. [slowly sinking into the chair] Offers good support, it is urkelnomically correct... it's a good chair. I think we're spoiled because we don't appreciate the things that we have. You think kids in Africa have chairs? No. They sit in big piles of garbage. You think they have copiers? [the chair has slowly lowered itself almost to where Michael is not visible over the desk] They don't have copiers. They don't even- [struggles to get up from Pam's chair] Gah! They don't even have paper. And we are spoiled because we throw out perfectly good tiramisu because it has a little tiny hair on it. My point I this: I have seen the light in terms of what we need, and it is nothing. Oscar: Do you know? Michael: Do I know what? Oscar: I think you know. Michael: Mm, no... Phyllis: Know what? Pam: Yeah, know what? Oscar: Does anyone happen to know what 15% of 4300 is? Michael: $645.00 Kevin: Michael's a genius. Michael: Right. Oscar: Why'd you say dollars? Michael: Because that is how my mind works. Oscar: What's 15% of 200? [Michael doesn't answer] Thank you. Everyone, Michael is returning the surplus so he can keep 15% as a bonus. Jim: Wait, what? Pam: You can do that? Kevin: Hey Michael, what's 394 times 5,912? Michael: Let's see... Pam: You're gonna give yourself a bonus of $645 instead of getting the entire office something it really needs? Michael: I don't need $645; I already have $645, more or less. Oscar: You're gonna get us a copier then? Michael: This is so stupid. Pam: Or chairs? Michael: This is so, so stupid. And, God... [looks at his watch] that's my phone. Stanley: I didn't hear a phone. Michael: To be continued! Michael: No, I don't-this doesn't change anything. I have a very important decision to make. We need a new copier. We need new chairs. And I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me. Andy: Hey Tuna, check it out. Tuna sandwich. Just like you. [Angela walks over to Andy] What- Angela: [kisses Andy passionately in his chair] Now, I have to take care of a legal issue. Andy: Was that hot or what? Pam: So what's it gonna be? Oscar: Michael, you have to make a decision. The day is almost done. Pam: Let me just say, you've been promising me this chair since the day you hired me. Oscar: You are a smart guy. I know you'll do the right thing. Michael: [groans in frustration] You think it's easy? Stanley: It's your job. Michael: Okay, you know what? Why don't you guys deal with it? I am going to get up, and I am going to be out in the common area. But you need to decide; otherwise I'm taking the bonus. All right? Michael: It is a classic management tactic. You have two sides, a deadline, you know that neither of them are gonna concede. What you do is you put 'em in a room, and you just- [Pam and Oscar come to the door of kitchen] Hey. Pam: Hey. Oscar: Hey, we're going with the chairs. Michael: What? Oscar: I just figured I'd rather have new chairs than nothing at all. Pam: Thanks Michael. Michael: Good work. I'm proud of you. [Pam and Oscar leave] Mother- Michael: [wearing a fur coat] What did we learn this week? Well, one, thanks to me, my team is much, much faster at coming to decisions than I thought they would be. Number two, never buy a fur coat with a credit card until you absolutely have the money to pay for it. And three, [camera zooms out to see fake blood is splattered on the fur coat] you should know that some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory. Jim: Truce? Pam: Yeah, I guess, since I won. Jim: Yeah, you did win. You did win. Anyway, I'm going to need three copies of each of these, stapled and collated. [begins to walk away, then turns back] Totally kidding. [leans in, whispers] I'm gonna need four. [kisses Pam]
Michael: [sitting on the roof of the office building] Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly. Just up here, getting used to the altitude. Dwight: [walking up] Michael? Michael: Yes? Dwight: I've got a treat for you! Michael: Ahh, thank you. Like a butler. Dwight: Colorado specialty, Rocky Mountain Oysters. Michael: [Michael takes one and bites] Oh, these do not taste like oysters. Dwight: [angrily] That's because they're Not oysters, they're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! [Michael spits it out] Hah! Michael: Sick freak! What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? I'm the sick freak? After what you did? You expect to be buttled? You didn't recommend me?! Michael: I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? [Dwight scoffs] The job was not mine to give. [sighs] Look, I need your advice on something. I am told that there are bears in the Rockies. Dwight: Where did you hear that? Obvious XM Radio? Michael: Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket... Dwight: Great idea. Michael: ...in order to feed the bears. Dwight: Especially if you think that life would be better without Legs! Michael: How do you mean? Dwight: Black Bears can smell a salami at five miles Michael, what are you thinking?! And they run faster than a horse, so if you were thinking about outrunning one on a horse I would try a cheetah. You, in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a Black Bear. Do you understand? [Michael nods in agreement] You're like a giant walking salami! Michael: Okay, so no salami in the pants. How about a pepperoni? Dwight: Any kind of meat that you can possibly name! Michael: Okay. DeAngelo: [with Michael in his office] You're not gonna take all these toys are you? Michael: Hm? DeAngelo: I mean you don't have a job lined up, so it's not like you have a desk to put 'em on. Michael: Well I have interviews. DeAngelo: That's nice. [reaches and a grabs a toy truck] How 'bout that truck? Can I have this little truck? I was thinking I might... glue a stapler on top. Or put a hole here, stick pens in it. [Michael gives an obviously fake smile] You okay? Michael: Yes. Yes, you know what? Take my favorite truck. Sure. DeAngelo: You know what? Uh, it's your last couple days, I'm gonna get out of your hair. Michael: Oh you don't, that's- DeAngelo: I will be in the break room. Michael: That sounds good. Thank you. DeAngelo: Dead man walking. Michael: Sad? No, no, no. I don't leave 'til tomorrow, so... Tomorrow I will be a wreck. Gabe: [sees Andy walk into the Men's Room and follows him in] Stay away from Erin! [cornering him in the bathroom] Andy: Hey! Gabe: I'm your boss! Andy: Why don't you, uh, stay away from me? Gabe: No, I'm gonna stand where I want. Okay? You don't wanna get on my bad side! I've seen some horrible things! I own over two hundred horror movies! Andy: Okay! That's so weird! Just go away! Gabe: No! You go away! [storms out, toilet flushes, Jim exits the bathroom] Andy: [weak] Hi Tuna. Jim: So you guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now? Phyllis: [in the conference room with Pam, Angela, and Meredith] How about cupcakes? Angela: Please. Pam: What's wrong with cupcakes? Angela: Everything. Michael: [walking in] There they are! Party Planning Committee together again! Pam: Well we all wanted to plan your goodbye party. We thought this would be easier. Pam: We thought. Angela: It's an experiment. Phyllis: The three of us have all been chairmen before. Pam: So this is the dream team. Meredith: [walking up behind the glass] Hey! What are you saying?! Angela: The dream team... and Meredith. Meredith: [to Michael] We decided on the ice cream. Mint chocolate chip, your favorite. Michael: Mmm! Phyllis: Yeah that was a surprise... Michael: You know what, I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody'll like. How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla. Pam: [surprised] Okay. Michael: Tomorrow I want everyone to have a good time. No drama. And as for today, just a typical day. Alright? Pam: Should we get toppings? Michael: What do you like Pam? Pam: [confused] What? Michael: What kind of toppings would you like? Pam: Hot fudge? Michael: Sounds good. Fudge it up! [all seem surprised at Michael's behavior] Michael: [holding up his 'World's Best Boss Mug'] I bought this for myself. And yesterday, they gave me this. [holds up a Dundie that reads, 'World's Best Boss 2011, Michael G. Scott', throws his mug into the garbage can and places his Dundie at the front of his desk] I still need something to drink out of though. Michael: [pulls out a list of everyone in the office, then puts it back in his jacket] Attention everyone, before I leave tomorrow I would like to reveal a secret I have kept for over twenty years. A secret about Phyllis. Phyllis: Please Michael. Michael: When Phyllis was in high school, she was so... cute. [Phyllis looks relieved] And she still is. Phyllis: I thought he knew about the baby I gave away. Phyllis: [holds up mittens she's knitting] Look Michael, it's a going away present so your hands won't get cold. Michael: Ahh. Phyllis: It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either. You have to hand wash without water, wring-dry gently, and use a hairdryer on cool. Michael: [hesitantly] Sounds great, I just think it's great. Oh, I have gifts as well! [goes into his office and comes out with a bag] And I will start, by giving the first gift to Phyllis! Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should. Because you have great ideas. So Phyllis, I am giving you this, so you can always remember to speak your mind. [presents to her a mouth wind-up chattering toy] Phyllis: It's cute. [plays with it] Michael: Stanley, you love your Sudoku and your puzzles, I bestow upon you, my felt. [gives Stanley a small felt table] May you never lose the fun loving quality in life. Stanley: Where's the rest of it, it's got no balls. Michael: Well, okay... And Andy, Andy who needs confidence that he is a great salesman. I give you, my clients, our ten most important accounts. [other salesmen look outraged] Andy: Wow. Stanley: [angry] Yeah wow! Andy: You know I'm the worst salesman here right? Michael: But you're the best salesman, on the inside. Phyllis: What does that even mean? Michael: You sold us all on Andy, a product that nobody wanted. Andy: I'm gonna lose 'em. Michael: You're not gonna lose them. Andy: I promise you that I will. Michael: Just do your best! I have faith in you. Stanley: [as Michael walks away, Stanley whispers angrily to Andy] Gimme those clients! Andy: No. Phyllis: [to Dwight] Do you believe that?! Dwight: I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing. Or the decent thing. Or even the comprehensible thing. DeAngelo: I used to be obese. Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I'm not saying I'm superman, but, let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine. I almost welcome it. [winks] Michael: Kevin, I have something for you. Kevin: Oh! [Michael unrolls it to reveal it is a caricature of Kevin as a pig eating pizza] Michael: You know who that is? Kevin: Oh... Michael: [rips the poster in half] Don't be a caricature Kevin, never be a caricature. How did that feel when I tore that up? Kevin: Better... Michael: Good, stand up. [Kevin does so] You will be thin. You Won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. Kevin: But... Michael: You will find love. Kevin: Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now. Michael: Don't be. You should never settle for who you are. [moving on] Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! Oscar, you are- Andy: I just lost Porter Hardware! I just, I lost 'em! Michael: [quietly groans] Okay, you know what? Just do your best buddy! Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education. And, I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain. So that's why I made you this. [takes a sack tied in the upper middle making a crude head, with a face drawn on, obviously the product of poor craftsmanship, Oscar pretends to like it] Oscar: Thank you Michael. It's beautiful. Michael: [laughing] It looks like a [more laughing] It looks like it was made by a two year old monkey on a farm! He just accepted, accepted that I put all this work into it! [laughs more] He has the lowest opinion of me, of anybody! Michael: Was it just me, or did you think that we were going to have sex at some point? Angela: It was just you... Michael: How would you have wanted to do it? Okay, okay. You know what? Inappropriate. I am engaged happily, and you have landed yourself a Senator. Oscar: State Senator. Michael: Mmhmm, bravo! Oscar: Brava! Angela: You wanna see some pictures? I just got these. Michael: Sure! Angela: Uhm, these are, okay this is us at the theater. And antiquing! Oh, rollerblading. Michael: Who's that? Who's that guy? [points to second guy in the pictures] Angela: Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide. Michael: I guess this could be the one, huh? Angela: Yeah. [Oscar shakes his head no] Andy: [walking into the kitchen, DeAngelo is using the coffee machine to cook chicken covered in melted chocolate] Hey. DeAngelo: [hurriedly, while hiding the chocolate covered chicken] Hey! Andy: I'm going to be dropping out on one of our biggest clients this afternoon and I could use some back up. DeAngelo: Let's rip it up homes. [smacks top of the door frame with his hand, leaving a chocolate hand outline] Gabe: [Andy walks by with DeAngelo, says quietly after he leaves] Walk away bitch. Oscar: [Michael is leaving the accounting area] Oh Michael! Where do you want your last pay check sent? Michael: My last pay check? Oscar: You have an address yet in Colorado? Michael: No. Oscar: What town do Holly's parents live in? Michael: I'm not sure, um, Mountainton? Kevin: Sounds beautiful! Pam: [Michael sits alone eating at the back of the kitchen, Pam comes in with Jim, Creed and Kevin] You should do more stuff like that. Kevin: I'm going to! Jim: [to Michael] Hey! It's almost your last day, come sit with us. Michael: Nah, I'm almost done. Jim: You sure? Michael: Yeah. Pam: So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder. Kevin: Finally! That old shredder sucked. Pam: It's a good shredder, it just keeps breaking. Kevin: Yeah, it won't shred magazines. Pam: It's not supposed to shred magazines Kevin. Kevin: I know... Jim: Did you break the shredder Kevin? Kevin: No, it's just... that old shredder sucks. [Michael looks tearful] Just get one that'll shred magazines. Pam: I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines. Michael: [crying] I can't do this. All the channels are gonna be different there. I'm not gonna be able to find my shows. I'm not going to start improv at level one, and I don't think my credits will transfer. Ugh, and you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote. [picks World's Best Boss mug out of the trashcan and puts it back on his desk] I gotta call her, and I'm going to tell her, that I cannot come. [dials on his phone] Holly: [on phone] Hello there! Michael: Hi. What is the name of our town? Holly: Boulder. Is something wrong? Are you okay? Michael: No, no. I just needed to hear your voice. Holly: [Yoda voice] Oh you mean this? Michael: [laughing] Yes. [Olive Oyl impression] Yes my hero! Holly: [deep man voice] I'll pay the rent! [Michael laughs] Okay, my mom's looking at me and she has no sense of humor. It's a joke mom! Michael: [laughing] Ohh, I miss you. Holly: Well I'll see you tonight. I'll pick you up outside baggage claim. Michael: Okay. I'll see you tonight. I love you. Holly: I love you too. Michael: [hangs up and composes himself] Yes, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm, I'm gonna be leaving tonight. I head to the airport at four. [looks at the list of members of the office, with some names crossed out] And I have said goodbye to half of them. Toby: Well you know Michael, I have a brother in Boulder. Rory Flenderson. You should look him up. Michael: [grimaces and nods, Toby nods back at him] Okay. Toby: [smiling] Okay. Michael: [walks over to Kelly] Kelly! Kelly? Kelly. Kelly: [doing make up and irritated] What?! Michael: If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you? Kelly: Yes! Please! Please go away! And stop using that weird slow voice. Michael: [in Ryan's office, which is illuminated blue] She was once my girl, and she is your girl now. Ryan: Wow. [camera pans over to show that the light is from Michael's St. Pauli Girl Sign, hanging in Ryan's office] Michael: Yeah. Ryan: This is... totally unnecessary. Michael: You're not prone to seizures? Ryan: No. Pam: [in conference room with the party planning committee] So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise. What do we want? Meredith: [quickly] Erotic. Angela: See? This is what happens. You can't let a stray dog into the house. Phyllis: Hmm, let's hear here out. I would like to hear more about these cakes. [Angela and Pam look uncomfortable] Meredith: I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop. Angela: Good God... Meredith: They make these cakes, they're wild! I mean, they show everything! Pam: I don't, I don't think we sh- Meredith: I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black, they do it all. And the women on these cakes, they're not just guy's fantasies. They have real, full women. It is refreshing. Pam: [stopping her] Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue. Phyllis: As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it feels good to be represented on one. Pam: You know what, I think we should get some other input. Kelly: I think we should do cupcakes. I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. Phyllis: Yeah, cupcakes. That's what I said. Angela: No! I'm not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms! You know, we don't really care about your opinion. You're just a tie-breaker. Michael: [sees Pam walking towards the door of the office] Um, Pam. Pam: Oh, hey Michael! I'm just going to go to Carbondale to price some shredders. I'll see you later. Michael: [disappointed] Okay... [Jim is confused] Erin: [walking into the women's bathroom, Gabe storms in after her] Gabe! Gabe: I need to talk to you! Erin: You can't be in here. This is a lady's room! abe: Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here everytime you go if that's what it takes. [Creed walks out of one of the stalls] Erin: Hey Creed. Creed: Not cool man. [walks out] Erin: I really think you should leave. Gabe: Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room. Erin: Can we talk about this later, I have to go. Gabe: Just read the letter under your windshield wiper, it explains everything. Quick one. [leans in for a kiss] Erin: Gabe! Gabe: Okay... [walks out embarrassed] Toby: [on video cam with his brother] Here's the thing Rory, I knew you guys would hit it off in an odd way. Rory: I can bring him a welcome basket. I'll surprise him. Toby: Do- Well you should give him a little time to settle in. But- Rory: Does he like jams? My shelves are over flowing with preserves. Toby: Well, no. He hates jams. Michael: [walking into Darryl's office] Darryl! Darryl: Hey. Michael: I would like to give you, the only copy, of Somehow I Manage. [hands him a thin black folder] Unfinished. If there's anyone here who can finish it, it's you. Darryl: That's sweet Mike. Let's see here. There's a chapter, called Gum. With one sentence. Everybody likes the guy who offers him a stick of gum. Michael: Mmmhmmm. It's true. Darryl, I have one last wish. I would like to use the bailer. Darryl: No. Can't let you do that Mike. Michael: No problem. Worth a try. Michael: [in warehouse] Darryl said I could use the bailer because I'm leaving. Warehouse Guy: No. Michael: [picks up a basketball and dribbles it away from the basket] Alright guys, well... see ya later warehouse. Catch you on the flippity flip. [throws the ball behind him and misses the basket, tries and misses several more times] DeAngelo: [in car with Andy] okay, so what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? [Andy stares blankly] Hmm? Andy: I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality. DeAngelo: That's stupid. [laughing. Nervously, Andy laughs with him] Andy: [joking] What do I know? DeAngelo: [still laughing] What do you know? We gotta get psyched up! Okay? Guy? Let's get psyched! Is there an animal shelter on the way? Andy: [confused] Yeah. DeAngelo: Awesome! Ani Ani Shelto! Here we come. Do you know how to high-five? Andy: Yeah! DeAngelo: Cause if you do now's the time. Andy: [going for it] Alright. DeAngelo: Not while I'm driving. Michael: [still trying the backwards basket] Catch you guys- [forklift drives in front of the camera] Catch you guys on the filippity flip. [misses and picks it up again] Flippity flip! [misses again and grabs it back] Flippity flip! [makes it in, gets excited] Really? [composes himself] Okay, see ya guys! [walks away, containing his self-pleasure] DeAngelo: [at the animal shelter with Andy] You know how I met Jo Bennett? And got started on my ladder of success? Andy: No. I don't. DeAngelo: [hands Andy a dog] I'm walking along, out of work. Again. Thinking to myself, 'I only have enough cash to by a sandwich, or get drunk. And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog! So I grab the dog. He runs off. She's so grateful, she hires me. Andy: Awwhh, wow. DeAngelo: Gimme that dog! That's not your dog! [takes the dog from a confused Andy] Yeah! Again. Andy: Oh, okay... DeAngelo: Gimme that damn dog you f***ing thief! Don't ever do It again! [Andy nods modestly] You hear me?! [Andy nods again] You feel that energy? Andy: Mmhmmm. DeAgnelo: Wooo! Yeah! [parades in circles with the dog, pretends to whack Andy with it] [giving it to Andy] Okay, again. Erin: I know that Gabe is young, and hot and everything. And he's begging me to reconsider, but I... I just think I'm in love with someone else. Michael: Kevin? Erin: Andy. Michael: Ahhhh... Erin: I wish I knew who my birth mother was, so she could just tell me who to choose. Michael: Maybe neither. Erin: I'm not attracted to Kevin. Michael: Erin, listen to me. You shouldn't rush into this. At all. And you know why? Because you are beautiful. And you are fun. And you are smart. [Erin is smiling] And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it. You will. [kisses her head] And you know what? You don't need a mom. Because you have my number, and you can call me anytime. Erin: [nods] Extension 147. Michael: N- Erin: I know. Michael: Okay. [both chuckling. Michael leaves Erin, looking thoughtful] Phyllis: [on the phone] You want the 27-26 or the 27-30? Michael: Phyllis. Phyllis, are my mittens done? Phyllis: No. [trying to finish her sale when Michael hangs up the phone] I'm on a sale! Michael: Listen to me. It's two p.m. From now until four, your priority is knitting. Knit like the wind. Phyllis: Okay... [Jim gives a knowing look to the camera] Michael: Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow. [pulls out an envelope from his jacket] Dwight: Yes. Michael: So I wanted to give you that. [hands him the envelope] It's a letter of recommendation. [Dwight looks eager. Michael nods to him and walks away] Dwight: This is gonna be good. [eagerly reading the letter] To whom it may concern. [off to the side] Good, real personal. Thanks Michael. [reading again] The dictionary defines superlative as: of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else, or others. Supreme. [to the side again] That's great, if I wanted the dictionary definition I'd buy a dictionary. [reading again, slowly gets sadder] I define it as Dwight Schrute. As a sales executive, as a leader, as a man, and as a friend, he is of the highest kind, quality, and order. Supreme. [holding back tears] Lot's more like that, really repetitive. What's this? [pulling out a small card from the envelope. Reads it] Two forty five, behind the building. Paintball. [checks his watch quickly] Ohhh, yeah. Dwight: [opening his trunk excitedly and gets out his paintball gear, takes his gun and looks for Michael, gives up, Michael jumps out of the dumpster shooting, they shoot each other, yell, laugh, and taunt, having a great time] Michael: [in the office, crosses Dwight off his list. He has paint in his messed up hair, and is containing his laughter] DeAngelo: [giving his and Andy's pitch to a client] I would just like to start off saying, I have not worked with Mr. Andy Bernard for very long, I can say, is that he is no Michael Scott. I can't sit here and tell you he's gonna be a success. I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job. [Andy looks awkward] But I can say this: He's got potential. Sure. You know, I always say: go big, or go home. You go with This guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life, OR, the biggest, Good decision of your life. It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did. If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it, for the agreed upon price, [Andy looks hopeful] Andy's not your guy. [Andy deflates] You ever play Russian Roulette? [scoffs] Time to spin the chamber horse. By signing up for another year. [hands the client a folder he needs signed for another year's contract] Jim: [Michael walks into the office, still a mess] Ahh, what happened to you? Michael: You should see the other guy. Dwight: [smiles knowingly] Michael: [looks at the clock to see it is three o'clock] Jim where is Pam? Jim: Uhh, she's still pricing the whatevers. The shredders. Michael: But it is already three o'clock! [Michael leaves, Jim gives a knowing look to the camera] Pam: [walks into a movie theater showing The King's Speech] Michael: [in his office talking to Creed, Gabe, and Meredith in that order] Whether you're scared of dying, or dying Alone, or dying drunk in a ditch. Don't be. It's going to be okay. Michael: Yeah I was tripling up. There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody. Michael: [Gabe is still standing in front of Michael's desk] And you, why are you still here. Gabe: [sounding hurt] I'm either going to quit today, or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed. Michael: No, you are not going to quit today. For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day in the office. Everybody gets dumped Gabe. Can I give you a piece of advice? [Gabe nods] A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, and make you look less like a transvestite. [Gabe looks awkward and Michael winks] DeAngelo: [walking out the client's room with Andy] That is cold sir! Absolutely cold. You know what? It was a complete waste of my time. Andy: Uh DeAngelo, I'm, uh. I forgot my bag, so I'll meet you in the car. DeAngelo: [grumbles] Okay whatever. Andy: [walks into the client's office again] Sir, I'd just like to apologize, for that. I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is I think he's just a terrible salesman. And I want you to know, that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call. Client: Keep talking. DeAngelo: [on his phone waiting for Andy, next to their car] Yes. Okay, alright. No, well thank you! Alright, take care. [hangs up] You'll never guess, we did it! Andy: [laughing] Hey! [they hug] Good job boss! DeAngelo: We did it! Michael: [standing in front of his office, sees that it is three forty five] Okay, everybody come on. Conference room five seconds! Let's go! Hurry up, let's do this! [Dwight runs into the conference room. All others follow] Stanley: Yes, what is this about? Michael: What is this meeting about? Stanley: Mmhmmm. Michael: Okay, here we are in the conference room. Once again. And I just wanted to call you all here, together, because I have something important. Well there's two things actually. Okay first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam. [Jim looks regretful] And secondly, Phyllis how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them. I'm leaving for the day at four. Phyllis: They're almost done but my knuckles are swelling a little and- Michael: [cutting her off] Well power through the arthritis Phyllis you can do it! Stanley: Is that it? Michael: Umm, hmm? Stanley: Is that it? Michael: [the office looks up expectantly] Ummm... Hm... No. [changing his mind] No. There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye. So here he comes, he's coming right in. [walks out and then back in, now using a Vietnamese accent] Oh hi everybody, it's Ping! [the office groans] And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people! Thank you everybody! You've been so wonderful! [only Kevin is laughing. Stanley tries to leave. Michael hugs him] I ruv you all! I ruv you very much! Jim: Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Michael: Sure. [Ping accent] Be right out! Jim: [brings Michael into his office] So I've been meaning to tell ya, I wanna take you out for lunch. For your last day. Michael: [sad] Ohh... Jim: What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch, you and me? Michael: [holding back tears] Okay... Jim: You're not leaving tomorrow. You're leaving today right? Michael: Maybe. Jim: Wow, so that's it huh? Just, four o'clock and you are gone for good. Michael: Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing? Jim: Absolutely not. It's just that sometimes... goodbyes are a bitch. Michael: [pulls out a recorder and speaks softly into it] T-Shirt idea, goodbyes stink. Okay, alright. So. James Halpert. [starts to cry] You started with this company, as a fine young man... Jim: You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow. At lunch. Michael: Oh, okay. Jim: And then tomorrow, I can tell you... what a great boss, you turned out to be. The best boss I ever had. [Jim is holding back tears too] Michael: [hears a taxi honking] Oh shoot! That's my cab. Jim: Alright. Michael: Alright. Jim: Listen Michael, I really... I did text Pam, but... Michael: I know, it's okay. Just, give her a hug. Alright? Jim: [shakes Michael's hand] I will see you, tomorrow at lunch. Michael: I am looking forward to lunch. And hearing about what a great boss I am. Jim: [chuckles] You got it. Michael: Okay... [crosses Jim off his list] Phyllis. Phyllis: Oh no, they're still not done. Michael: No no no, let me see. [picks up the mostly knitted mittens] Oh Phyllis, nice try. I love 'em. [waves goodbye to her with the mittens] [Michael begins walking out the office, he takes one last look at all his friends to see them working, and Jim looking back, teary eyed] Creed: [drinking from Michael's World's Best Boss mug] See ya tomorrow boss! Michael: Later guys. [leaves the office] Michael: Got almost everybody. So... Holly's my family now. [you see video of Michael getting into the cab, and driving off. As the cab leaves, Pam drives in] She's my family. The babies that I make with her, will be my children. The people that you work with, are just... when you get down to it... your very best friends. They say, on your deathbed, you never wish you spent more time at the office. But I will. Gotta be a lot better than a deathbed. [You see Michael getting out and entering the airport, and going through security] I actually don't understand deathbeds. I mean, who would buy that? Michael: [putting his shoes back on, talking to the camera crew] Well, I guess this is it. Hey will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you. Alright... Oh! [pulls out his mic from his shirt] This is gonna feel so good, getting this thing off my chest. [he hands them the body mic, when he speaks it is inaudible now] That's what she said! [waves goodbye and walks off to his gate, halfway there Pam comes running up to him and they hug for a while. They say their goodbyes to each other, and Michael walks off for good] Pam: [watching Michael's plane take off. Crying and has smeared make up on] No he wasn't sad. He was full of hope. About Colorado, and he was hoping to get an upgrade as an award's member. And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly. DeAngelo: [all are in the conference room for Michael's party. Michael isn't there. Jim gives the camera a knowing look] Well if he's not gonna make it at least we should go ahead and eat the cake. [Kevin nods] I for one love the corners. [cuts a corner piece, picks it up with his bare hands, and takes a bite] Why'd I just do that? It's not even that good. I don't even want it. I had cake for lunch. [throws the piece in the garbage] No, you know what? I've been good. I deserve this. [grabs a piece from another corner. The office groans] What am I doing? [chucks it into the trashcan] Come on DeAngelo! [DeAngelo tries to lick the cake, everybody yells no] Dwight: [to Jim] Uh oh... [Jim, tearful, nods]
Michael: It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route. Michael: [honking horn] Time to make the donuts. [laughs and drives away as Ryan tries to get in the van] Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. [does it again] De-nied! Ryan: We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick. Michael: Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! [laughs] Hey Pam. Pam: We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says 'Alleluia Church of Scranton.' in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it. Pam: You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael? Michael: Milk and sugar. Pam: Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. [drinks from coffee cup] Wait, is this just milk and sugar? Michael: That's what I said. Pam: Do you drink this every day? Michael: Every morning. Michael: We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20- of those. Pam: [an Asian lady tries to enter the van] Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church. Charles: Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming? Jim: Oh, they're my client. Charles: No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company. Dwight: [sighs] Shame, Jim. I expected more. Charles: In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott. Stanley: What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price. Charles: I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable. Andy: Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys. Charles: Why are you telling me this? Andy: I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie. Charles: Is this something you really want to have said? Andy: I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it. Charles: I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault- Dwight: It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired. Charles: I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh- Angela: Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not. Charles: Uh, well said, Angela. Dwight: Been there, done that. Michael: You know what we need? We need some couches in here. Ryan: Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy. Michael: Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft. Pam: Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy? Michael: Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top. Pam: Yeah, I know what a loft is. Ryan: Most dorm rooms don't even have that. Michael: Most do in the magazines. Ryan: Let's see what a delivery guy costs. Michael: We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft. David Wallace: Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey. Jim: Hey, David. Dwight: David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you. Charles: There he is. There he is. How was the trip up? David: A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure. Charles: Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company. David: Hmmm. Charles: I feel like I should be thanking you. David: Uh. Jim: [makes kissing, puckering sound] Charles: The conference room is ready if we want to get started. David: You know, I just want to address everyone first. Charles: Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention. David: Hi, everyone. Kelly: Hi. David: Hi. Uh, look it's no secret- Kevin: Hi. David: Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback. Charles: Right. David: Okay? Phyllis: Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients. David: I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please? Charles: Uh, Jim hold on. [whispers] You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay? David: Hmm. Charles: Yeah, Jim- David: I find that extraordinarily surprising. Charles: He shows promise and Jim, I don't know- I- he's been a disappointment. David: We'll bring them both in. Charles: Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim. Dwight: Come along, afterthought. Michael: How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy? Financial Guy: Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct- Michael: They are correct, sir. Financial Guy: Then you can't afford to pay him anything. Michael: Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss. Financial Guy: Your prices are too low. Michael: Lowest in town. Financial Guy: Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices? Pam: Corporate greed? Ryan: Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable. Financial Guy: Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct. Ryan: Yeah. Financial Guy: But you need to use a variable cost pricing model. Michael: Okay, sure. Right, so- why don't you explain what that is to- so that they can under- just explain what that is. Ryan: Explain what you think that is. Financial Guy: Okay. Michael: Explain that. Financial Guy: As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care... Michael: Well, we don't- Financial Guy: ...business expansion- Michael: Whatever, yeah. Financial Guy: At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make. Michael: Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business. Financial Guy: They're actually putting you out of business. Michael: Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again. Ty: It's a program. There's no such thing- Michael: Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please. Ty: [presses key on computer] Crunch. Pam: Did it help? Michael: Hi, Jerry. Michael Scott. Well, this is slightly embarrassing. [laughs] Um, I'm going to have to... ask you to pay me a little bit more money for that delivery we dropped off yesterday. Yeah. We did. We got the check, but we're just going to need a much, much bigger check. Pam: When a child gets behind the wheel of a car and runs into a tree, You don't blame the child. He didn't know any better. You blame the 30-year-old woman who got in the passenger seat and said, 'Drive, kid. I trust you.' Jim: Now, would corporate approve a temporary price reduction for returning customers? Charles: God, no. Dwight: Stupid. Yeah, makes us look weak. Charles: I agree. Dwight: I say we fill Michael's office with bees. My apiarist owes me a favor. Jim: Really? Does he do good work or- Dwight: [scoffs] No, Jim. I use a bad apiarist. [sighs] David: Fellas, why don't we take a five-minute break and then we will come back, start fresh, sort this out. Dwight: Five minutes exactly. Charles: Okay. Hey, Dwight. Can I talk to you? Dwight: Sure thing. Charles: Yeah. Jim: [opens phone] Hey. I saw you called. Jim : You're just out of business? Pam: We have maybe a month. I don't know what I'm gonna do. Jim: Oh, yeah, well don't worry about it. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay. Pam: That's what Michael said. Jim: Oh, yeah. Only this time we will be okay. [cell phone rings; Dwight's voice saying 'Idiot, Idiot, Idiot'] Oh, that's my new 'Dwight' ring. Pam: I like it. Jim: Good, right? Hello. Dwight: [over phone] Idiot, we're starting back up. This is Dwight, by the way. Jim: Oh, okay. [kisses Pam] Don't worry about it. Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died? Pam: Steve Martin's not dead, Michael. Michael: I know. But I always thought that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life. I was wrong. It's this. Pam: You want to hear something sad? Michael: I would love that. Pam: So Jim and I are getting married and the wedding's really expensive. So I tried to get a job on the weekends to earn extra money. I applied to Old Navy, Target and Wal-mart. None of 'em called me back. Not even for an interview. Ryan: I never went to Thailand. Pam: Really? Ryan: I went to Fort Lauderdale. Michael: Was it nice? Ryan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great Pad Thai place, though. Michael: I love Pad Thai. Ryan: You've never had Pad Thai. Michael: No. There's a lot I haven't done. Jim: Now, this is the projection over three months? Charles: We still have the inventory sitting- [everyone starts chattering at once] Dwight: Let me float something out there, okay? Can I just say- can I say something? David: Yeah, yeah. Dwight: There is a hive of bees outside the front door. We kidnap the queen, extract her alarm pheromones, place them on a flushable wipe, put that in his bathroom. David: I can't believe I'm about to say this, but the cheapest option... is to make Michael an offer. Charles: Yes. Yes, I was gonna say the same thing. We should buy him out. Jim: Oh, but you didn't. Dwight: Oh, Man! If only Michael had children. That's how you really apply the pressure. Charles: What is wrong with you? David: Jim, you're- you're pretty close with him. You think they'd be up for hearing an offer? Jim: Oh, I don't know. You know, they've taken a good deal of clients, so- David: Yeah. Jim: I mean I guess- I guess I could go down there and try to nudge them in the right direction. Dwight: You know what? Why don't I do it, okay? Michael adores me. I'm the man for this job. Charles, you got my back on this? Charles: No, Jim... I think you should go. Jim: Okay, so I'll be back in, um- back in a bit. Michael: [knocking on door] Hmm? Jim: Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second? Michael: We're not hiring, Jim. Jim: Actually here for something else. Michael: Listen, I can't make you laugh right now. Jim: You know I love a good guessing game, but why don't I just tell you what I'm here for? Turns out you guys have made a pretty big dent in the Dunder Mifflin sales. Ryan: Oh, that's nice. Jim: David Wallace has asked me to come down here and see if you would be interested in Dunder Mifflin buying you out. Pam: Seriously? Are you being serious? Ryan: He's bluffing, Pam. Michael: Jim, what you don't understand is that this company's worthl- Jim: Oh! Michael: No- We don't have- Jim: Oh! See I'm here to learn as little information as possible. All I really need to hear is if your incredibly successful company would be receptive to a buyout. Michael: [stammers] Uh... Yes. Pam: Yes. Ryan: Maybe. Jim: Three yeses. I will see you titans of industry upstairs. Michael: Yes, well, we're not only tight-ends, we are also quarterbacks. Jim: Missed the last part. Michael: That's a pun. Jim: Got it. Michael: Yep. Oh... wow. Ryan: Okay, so you are not going to reveal in any way that we're broke. Michael: Of course not. Ryan: That we're having any problem at all. Michael: Nope, nope, nope. Pam: Just to reiterate, none of us is going to say anything that might indicate that we are going broke. Michael: Right, right. There is no way in hell that I am going to say that we're broke. Michael: Oh, I'm really worried that I'm going to say it. Pam: No, Michael. Michael: Ah... Ryan: No, man. You're- you're fine. Pam: We have to come from a position of strength. Michael: I'm good, I'm good. Ryan: Just put it out of your mind. Michael: It is. I'm good. Michael: Hello. Erin: Hi. Michael: Michael Scott Paper Company to see Mr. David Wallace. I believe we're expected. [David and Charles walk out of conference room] Well, well, well. How the turntables... David: Michael, in order to expedite these negotiations, we are prepared to make you a very generous offer. Michael: And we are prepared to reject that offer. Ryan: Michael, you haven't even heard- Michael: Never accept their first offer. What is your second offer? David: $12,000.00 Michael: Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was. Angela: What do you hear? Kelly: [mumbles] David: Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get. Michael: I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you. David: Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael? Michael: [stutters] We'll have to talk- Charles: What? Ryan: We'll have to talk about this. Pam: Mm-hmm. Michael: Just amongst ourselves. David: Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time. Michael: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Pam: $60,000.00 Michael: We are so rich. Pam: Are you kidding me? Dwight: Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. [gets up and runs to kitchen] Charles. Charles: Dwight. Dwight: May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke. Charles: What? How'd you hear that? Dwight: They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures. Jim: Great work Dwight. Dwight: Quiet you. Jim: No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right? Dwight: You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty. Charles: So how long can they stay viable? Jim: What are your top five cases? Dwight: I'm gonna answer Charles first. Jim: Because you've solved zero cases. Dwight: Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed. Charles: Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room. Dwight: Done. Charles: Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it? Dwight: I'm not- I'm not following you. Charles: You two are morons. Jim: Got it. Dwight: Wh- Charles: Get out. David: So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm? Michael: No. Pam: Can you give us another minute please? David: Yeah. Charles: Oh, okay. Pam: Michael. Ryan: How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000. Pam: Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing? Michael: It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish? Ryan: I would rather have $60,000, honestly. Pam: No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer. Michael: Agreed? Pam: Agreed. But that's all, okay. Ryan: Yeah, discuss these things- Michael: Shut up, shut up. Hello? Michael: I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring. Charles: They don't make them anymore. Michael: And I want Charles gone. David: I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable. Charles: That's very kind of you to say, David. Michael: I need him gone. David: No. Michael: Okay, then I want Pam back. David: Uh, you already have a new receptionist- Michael: Sales. Pam: Thank you. David: Pam's not a salesperson. Michael: Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday. Pam: That's right. David: Okay. Please continue. Michael: And Ryan. David: Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is- Michael: You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me. David: Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits- Michael: And dental this time. David: Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out. Michael: These are our demands. David: Your company cannot be worth that much. Michael: Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names. David: Michael- Michael: That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court. David: Okay. Deal. Okay? Michael: Can we have the room please? David: Yeah. [David and Charles leave room, Michael shuts the door and closes the blinds] Ryan: Yes, yes, yes! Pam: Alright! Michael: Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about! Michael: There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it. Charles: Hey, guys- Michael: No, no. You're done.
Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five seed tops. Jim: I think they're going to the conference finals. Kevin: No. Jim: Bynum, obvious monster and the three point shooting, don't even-... [Jim bites his lip] Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today. Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough.The Nets are tough. Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim in pain from his lip] Jim: Now I have this big bump in my lip that hurts. I hate it. Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible. Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the... [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table] Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know I always tell my three year old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen...[Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Ok! Pam! That's it, I'm going home! Erin: Good morning, Meredith. Pam: What? Erin: Oh, sorry, Pam. Yikes. Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly and I'm not gonna lie, it's been challenging. Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out Cece has lice. So I was up all night disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure and he's doing it all for the family. Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Irving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But i have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home stuck with the kids while she was go carting with John Stamos. Jim: [talking on phone] You sound tired. Everything ok? Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey are you nervous about your big meeting? Jim: Uhh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know, but that's what I signed up for right? Worker: Jim, limo's here. Jim: Uh, you know what, I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting. Pam: Oh, call me later! Jim: Ok Pam: Good luck! Jim: Thanks! Pam: Love you. Jim: Love you too. Bye. Val: How you doing? Darryl: Alright. I mean, it's what you want, so... Val: It's how it has to be. Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard. Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, 'What are you gonna do, breakup with me?' Like it's a joke, and then you gain a lot of weight. Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it. Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back] Pam: Hey Meredith, I need your supplier requests today. Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you. Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] Can you just fill out the form please? Meredith: Yes. Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens. Meredith: Hurry up already. Erin: [checking Meredith's head] Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times. Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down everyone, we got lice! Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower? Dwight: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine. Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly. Dwight: Just lice Pam? Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7. Dwight: Make way, nope, inspect me. Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear. Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant] Pam: Stop that! Angela: Dwight! Erin: Next! Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez Meredith, you know, this is an office not one of your bean bag orgies. Pam: Alright, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault. Oscar: Pam, really? Come on. Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taken Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen. Erin: Lice. More lice. [Angela shrieks in disgust] Angela has lice. Angela: Ew! Oh. Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh yabber, lice! Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers, lice. Pam: No! How? I'm so clean! Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh yeah, big time lice. Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith. Phyllis: What are you wearing? Dwight: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazaderous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl. and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. Do you have your own hazmat suits? Nellie: No. Kevin: No. Dwight: Renters. Ok, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch. Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up. Phyllis: You got dumped? Darryl: Yeah, she ended things. Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine are large amounts of shepard's pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink. Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Daryll some chocolate] You need that more than me. Darryl: Thanks, man. Kevin: Yeah [kisses Darryl on the cheek] Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her. Angela: Oh, no no no no no. I have not yet begun to shame. Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day. Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now then you'll get it in your car and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back] Stanley: Get off me! Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself! Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls. Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that i got from Cece. So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me. Jim: Oh man, that's fresh squeezed. And, uh are all the snacks complimentary? Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want. Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's ok. [Jim shoves some snacks in his pocket as he gets out of limo] Um I'm sorry, is this the conference center? Limo Driver: No, Mr. Irving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court. Jim: You gotta be kidding me. Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something. Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yes, Pam what do you want? Pam: Oh my God, Meredith what are you doing!? Meredith: Baking a cake, what does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice. Pam: Oh stop! I am so sorry! Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying? Pam: Nothing. Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this. Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear, it's kill or be killed! Erin: No, no. It's more of a nuisance really. It's not that big a deal. So, I collected your hats and your coats... Dwight: To be burned! Erin: To be washed. Angela: What do we do about our heads? Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye! Erin: No, all we need is mayonnaise. Angela: Excuse me? Pam: She's right, it works. I would imagine. Erin: Yes, it helps to suffrocate the little buddies and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos. Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce. Meredith: [walks in conference room] Shaboom! How do you like me now!? Angela: Oh. Oscar: Wow. Meredith: Take a picture. It will last longer. Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible. Creed: Bald people make me sick. Meredith: Yeah, yeah, everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss. Erin: Ok, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks...It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise! We need it now. Pam: Oh! Uh, uh I'll go. Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you. Oscar: You're a saint, Pam. Pam: No, no, it's not a big deal, please. No. Um, Meredith can I get you something special while I'm at the store, candy, or...or one of those stylish turbans? Meredith: Thanks Pam! I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people. Val: Hey, Darryl. Darryl: Oh, hey Val. Nellie: Oh, that was tragic, Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two clearly still have feelings for each other. Darryl: Yeah. Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy? Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself just to clear my head. Nellie: Aw, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this. Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake. Phyllis: Mmm, this won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake. Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most. Kevin: An Escalade. Nellie: Or what's her name. Phyllis: Val. Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val. Julius Irving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk. Jim: Are you kidding me? I can literally scalp tickets to this. Julius: Well, do you think you can sink one from deep? Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball. Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow, Halpert's got game. Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife, can I take this? Julius: It's your wife? You better take it. Jim: Right! [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything ok? Pam: Oh, no everything's great! Um, I was just calling to see how the meeting went. Jim: It's still happening right now actually, so uh... Pam: He's really making you work for it, huh? Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. You sure everything's okay? Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go. Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that. Julius: No problem. Hey Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of japanese Nikes with your name on them. What do you think? Jim: I love it. Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leavr it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffrocate, and then pass away. Dwight: Oh sure, and when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors] Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself. Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh God, oh no. No. No. No! No! No! No! No! Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up. Angela: Oscar, do you want to be my partner? Oscar: Yeah, yeah, sure. I'd love to.. Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay? Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm...I'm already partners with Pete, right Pete? Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up. Sorry, man. Pam: Hey, Creed, wanna be my buddy? Creed: Oh God. Stuck with the weirdo. Oscar: [Angela is slapping mayo on Oscar's head] Angela. Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up? Meredith: [putting mayo on Stanley's head] You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more. Pam: [putting mayo on Creed's head] Creed, I'm all done. My turn. Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy. Pam: Well, wait. Pete: [putting mayo on Erin's head] How's that? Erin: I feel it working. [Erin and Pete playing around with the mayo] Eiffel tower! Val: Can I help you? Phyllis: Well, we don't want to pry but we heard you broke up with Darryl. Val: Yeah, that's true. Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake. Kevin: Big mistake. Nellie: Quite enormous. Phyllis: He's a real catch and you should take him back. Val: Ok, thank you. Is that all? Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are for collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because in some strange way it is you? Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? Kevin: So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back? Val: No. Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally forever. Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about reentering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out. Pam: [phone rings] Hello? Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice. Pam: What, no. That can't...I don't... Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. You know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like...[Pam hangs up phone] Angela: Oh my God. Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head! Pam: [everyone yelling at Pam]You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that... Meredith: Yeah yeah, Princess Fancypants let Jane 12-pack over here take the fall. Dwight: [talking through the loud speaker] She's right Pam. Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing? Dwight: Yeah there's a volume knob on that thing. Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry. Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster. Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just... Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot? Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam. Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 secondes to evacutate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as...[Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office] Erin: Dwight, are you okay!? Dwight: Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses] Erin: Wow. He got to purple. Oscar: [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair, and she bumps his head] Ow! Angela: Sorry. Oscar: You're waterboarding me! Angela: Oops. Kevin: [shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay. Erin: You're up. Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go. Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out. Pete: Okay. Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold? Pete: No, it actually feels kinda nice. Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [as the baler crushes the bubble wrap, making loud noises] Val: Okay. Darryl: Huh? Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work. Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just...I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. Val: You're not. I believe in us. Darryl: But... [Val kisses Darryl] Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay... Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. Not everything went exactly according to plan, but lice if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and another insecticidal grenade goes off] Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off? Oscar: I guess so. Pete: Okay. Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help. Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud. Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing] Jim: And that's all? Julius: That's it. Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done. Julius: Yeah, you show me how. Jim: [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] This is Jim Halpert, leave a message. Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you. Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now? Pam: I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day. Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer. Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now. Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying. Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today. Meredith: Forget about it. Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it. Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over. Pam: Get it, girl! Pam: [Pam and Meredith singing karaoke] This one's for all you ladies out there. Meredith: [starts singing] I come... Pam: Not yet. Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says when you gonna live your life right? Oh Mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh girls just want to have fun.
Quark: Now I know we're doomed. Rom: Why, brother? Quark: Rule of Acquisition two eighty six. When Morn leaves, it's all over. Rom: There is no such rule. Quark: There should be. Rom: I know business is bad, but that's no reason Quark: Bad? Bad? It's twenty-one hundred hours, the bar's open, there's a sale on synthehol, and there's no one here! Kozak: You! Ferengi! Another blood wine! Now! Rom: At least someone is still here. Quark: How many has he had? Rom: A dozen. Quark: I should've gone into insurance. Better hours, more money, less scruples. It's all Sisko's fault. Rom: Sisko? Quark: That's right. If he'd handled things better with the Dominion, none of this would've happened. They want a foothold in the Alpha Quadrant? Cut a deal, make a few arrangements, give them a little something for their trouble. Rom: Brother Quark: But no, he had to play it tough, so now everyone's afraid of the Dominion. Rom: Yes, but brother Quark: And that means fewer people on the station, which means fewer people at Quark's, which means I am out of business. Kozak: Where's my wine, you cowering little Ferengi slug? Quark: What's the problem? Rom: He says he's out of money. He's asking for credit. Quark: Credit? I'll handle it. Watch and learn. Quark: My name is Quark. I'd like to discuss arranging a line of credit. Kozak: You dare speak to me like that? You pathetic mak'dar. Rom: How long are they going to leave him there? I wish they would hurry up and get rid of him. Quark: I wish we could put him on display. Rom: What? Quark: Look at them. They're consumed with morbid fascination. They can't wait to get in here. They all want to know what happened. Was it a bar fight? What started it? And most of all, who killed the Klingon? Rom: But no one killed him. It was an accident. Quark: I killed him in a bar fight. You heard me. I killed him in self-defense. Rom: But where is the profit in lying about a simple drunk Quark: Look at that crowd. How long has it been since you've seen that many customers waiting to get in here? This is an opportunity to turn everything around. Rom: This is insane, brother. What if his family comes looking for the killer? What if they want revenge? Quark: If push comes to shove we tell the truth and no harm done. Rom, let me put it another way. If business doesn't improve, I'll have to start making a few cutbacks in the operation of my bar. Beginning with your salary. Rom: How big of a cutback? Quark: I'd probably have to cut it back to zero. Odo: All right, Quark. Start at the beginning. Rom: My brother fought a desperate hand to hand battle with the Klingon and was forced to kill in self-defense! Odo: You killed him? Quark: I'm sorry. I couldn't avoid it. Quark: He was abusive, vulgar. A typical drunken Klingon. All that was fine, till it came time to pay his bill and he refused. I insisted. We began to argue. He pushed me. I pushed back. I was about to call for security to throw him out of my bar when suddenly he pulled a knife on me! I avoided the first thrust. He came at me again. I hit him with a left jab. There was a furious exchange of blows. The next thing I knew, his knife was at my throat. So I twisted it from his grasp and plunged it into his chest. I will never forget the look on his face when his life drained away. I'd rather not talk about this anymore. O'Brien: Hi, honey. Keiko: Hi. O'Brien: Oh, what a day. Synthale, tall glass. We had three Kobheerian freighter captains who all wanted to use the same docking port. Someone stole a case of medical supplies from the Infirmary. Two power failures. How was school? Keiko: I closed it. O'Brien: You closed the school? Why? What happened? Keiko: My last two Bajoran students left today. Their families relocated back to Bajor. That left Jake, Nog, and a lot of empty chairs. O'Brien: What about Jake and Nog? Don't they have to? Keiko: I told them I'd be happy to tutor them from now on. Two students are not enough to sustain a school. O'Brien: I'm really sorry, Keiko. Keiko: It's not your fault. Everyone's just afraid of the Dominion. People aren't going to be moving their families to the station anymore. That means no more children, which means no more school. Don't look so upset. It's not like I was planning to be a teacher for the rest of my life. O'Brien: Keiko. Keiko: I'm fine, really. Quark: Don't worry Constable, I won't be dispatching anymore customers today. You don't have to keep an eye on me. Odo: Thank you for putting my mind at ease, but I didn't come here to protect the patrons from your violent temper. Quark: Then what can I do for you? Odo: I just thought you'd like to know who it was that you killed in self defense. Quark: Sure. Odo: His name was Kozak. By all accounts a thoroughly disreputable character, a notorious drunkard. Quark: Well, sounds like someone who was going to get himself killed sooner or later. It's a shame it had to happen here. Odo: Isn't it? I thought that you would also like to know that Kozak wasn't just some drifter passing through. In fact, he was the head of a Klingon family. A rather powerful family from what I can gather. Now, do you want to change your story or do you want to wait for Kozak's family to show up and ask to see the Ferengi bartender who killed him? Quark: I told you what happened, Constable. Now, either order something or make room for a paying customer. Rom: Brother, didn't you hear what he said? Quark: I heard him. Rom: Then we have to tell the truth. We've made enough profit in the last few hours to make up for the losses we had Quark: It's not about profit anymore. It's about respect. Rom: It is? Quark: You see the way they look at me now? I'm not just some venal Ferengi trying to take their money. I'm Quark, slayer of Klingons. I've struck a blow for Ferengi everywhere. Rom: What about Kozak's family? What if they come here for revenge? Quark: If that happens I'll stand up, look them right in the eye, and offer them a bribe. D'Ghor: You killed my brother. My brother killed by a miserable Ferengi. I would never have believed it possible. Quark: I can explain. D'Ghor: You'd better. I want to know exactly how Kozak died. And if I don't like what I hear. Quark: Believe me, you'll like it. He was in my bar. I asked him to pay his tab. He refused. I was willing to let it go at that but then he pulled his knife and came at me. And the truth of the matter is, he was so inebriated that he just fell and D'Ghor: I hope you're not going to tell me that he died in an accident. Quark: You do? D'Ghor: Yes. Because there's no honor in such a death. And if Kozak died in disgrace, then that disgrace would be passed along to the rest of his family. So if you were the cause of an accident that will dishonor my entire family, then I'm going to kill you and stuff your miserable corpse out the nearest airlock. Quark: I see. D'Ghor: On the other hand, if he died as a warrior in personal combat, then there would be no dishonor for him or his family. Quark: So what you're saying is if I killed him in personal combat, that's good? D'Ghor: Of course it is not good! He was my brother! But it would be honorable, and an honorable death requires no vengeance. Your life would be spared. Quark: I wish you had been there. You would have been proud of your brother. He fought a brave and valiant battle right up to the end. It was an honor to kill him. D'Ghor: I'm sure it was. Remember that when you tell your customers about the death of Kozak. Quark: You can count on it. D'Ghor: Qapla'! Quark: Meh-ha. Keiko: What what's going on? O'Brien: You're five minutes early. The canapés aren't ready yet. Keiko: Have I missed something? O'Brien: Now don't tell me you've forgotten what day it is Keiko: Well, it's not our anniversary or my birthday or O'Brien: I can't believe you've forgotten. It's 'I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the galaxy' day. I marked it in your calendar. Keiko: I don't think I'm too familiar with that day. O'Brien: It's an old Irish tradition. Here we go. I thought we should start celebrating it. Keiko: Too bad it only comes once a year. O'Brien: Actually, it's a very irregular holiday, crops up all over the place. Sometimes twice a day. Keiko: Really? What's the traditional celebration? Cake? Noisemakers? Fireworks? O'Brien: Oh, definitely fireworks. O'Brien: I should be finished the docking inspection by thirteen hundred hours. How about lunch at the Replimat? Keiko: Sounds good to me. O'Brien: It's a date then. See you later. Keiko: Hey, I just wanted to thank you for last night. It was wonderful. O'Brien: You've already thanked me. Have a good day. I'll be on upper pylon two if you need me. Keiko: I'll be here. Quark: Who's there? We're closed. Grilka: Are you Quark? Quark: That depends on who's asking. Grilka: My name is Grilka. Kozak was my husband. Quark: Oh, er, well, er, come in. Can I get you a drink or something to eat? Grilka: I've been told that you are the one who killed my husband. Quark: I didn't want to. I had no choice. Grilka: Was it an honorable death? Quark: Absolutely. He died like a warrior. I'm very sorry this happened. Is there something I can do? Grilka: Actually, there is. Defend yourself! Grilka: So this is the man who killed my husband in personal combat. Quark: What's going on here? Who are you? Grilka: I already told you. I'm Kozak's widow. But first things first, Quark. I want to know how my husband died, and I want the truth. Quark: All right. Quark: He was drunk and he did try to attack me, but he tripped and fell on his own knife. Grilka: So you lied to the station security officer, to your customers, and to D'Ghor. You must be quite a liar. Quark: It's a gift. Grilka: I think it's time you put that gift to work for me. Grilka: Cho'echu! Quark: What? What happened? Where am I? Tumek: You are on Kronos. Quark: Kronos? The Klingon homeworld. Tumek: You are in the ancestral home of what used to be known as the House of Kozak. Quark: What's it called now? Tumek: Kozak died without a male heir. The House no longer has a name. Quark: What about Kozak's brother, D'Ghor? Tumek: That pahtk's name is not spoken in this house. He is no brother to Kozak. His family has been a sworn enemy of this house for seven generations. Quark: But he came to DS Nine. He told me Tumek: What he told you were lies. He wanted you to say that Kozak had died in honorable combat so that no special dispensation would be granted. Quark: I don't understand. Tumek: If Kozak had died in an accident and left no male heir, the Council might have decided that this was an unusual situation and granted special dispensation. That might have allowed Grilka to become head of the family even though she's a woman. But if Kozak died in an honorable fight, and was simply defeated by a better opponent, then no dispensation would have been granted, and without a male heir the House will fall. Grilka: That hasn't happened yet, Tumek, and there is still time to prevent it from ever happening. Grilka: Put this on. Quark: Why? Grilka: Because if you do not, I will kill you. Tumek: I beg you, consider what you do here, mistress. Grilka: The decision is made. There is no other choice. Grilka: Go'Eveh lu cha wabeh. Mo ka re'Chos. Tumek: Repeat my words Go'Eveh lu cha wabeh. To va re'Luk. Quark: Let me ask just one Grilka: Repeat the words. Quark: Go'Eveh lu cha wabeh to va re'Luk. Tumek: Ghos ma'lu Kah! Tumek: It is done. Quark: What's done? Tumek: The ceremony is complete. You are husband and wife. Sisko: And while you're at it, have alpha shift begin a series of battle drills. I'm not satisfied with their last performance evaluations. Kira: Right. O'Brien: Oh excuse me, sir. I can come back later. Sisko: No, no, no, no. We're done here. What can I do for you? O'Brien: Well, it's kind of private. Dax: Wife problems, Chief? O'Brien: How did you know? Dax: I've been a husband and I've been a wife, and I know that look from both sides. Come on. Kira: What? Dax: This is where we make a graceful exit, and let the boys talk amongst themselves. Kira: Must be some kind of human thing. Sisko: Well, I'm sure the old man will be happy to explain it to you on your way out. Sisko: Chief. I guess Keiko must be very upset about the school closing. O'Brien: That's just it sir. She's acting like she doesn't care, like there's nothing's wrong. Sisko: It sounds bad. O'Brien: I've tried to lift her spirits a bit, romantic dinners, long moonlit walks in the holosuite. I even rearranged my work schedule so I could spend more time with her. Nothing seemed to make a difference. Sisko: But now you have an idea O'Brien: Yes, sir. I'd like permission to convert one of the empty cargo bays into an arboretum. Sisko: I think bay twenty one would be ideal. The ODN conduits are shot, and the security systems never worked anyway. O'Brien: So, you're saying yes? Sisko: It sounds like it to me. Listen, there's nothing harder than knowing that the person you love is unhappy, and I know how important it is to do something about it. If one empty cargo bay makes Keiko happy, then I'm all for it. I just hope it works. O'Brien: So do I. She sacrificed her entire career to be here with me. I owe her. Sisko: If there's anything else I can do, just let me know. O'Brien: Thank you, sir. D'Ghor: There being no special circumstances in the death, and no male heir, I make claim to the title and property of this fallen House. Gowron: The Council has considered your petition and will grant the transfer once the final rituals have been Grilka: The petition is out of order! D'Ghor: This woman has no place here. Her husband is dead and her House has fallen. I ask that she be taken from the Hall. Grilka: I have performed the brek'tal ritual, Gowron, and I have chosen a new husband to lead my House. Enter, husband. D'Ghor: A Ferengi cannot be allowed to rule a Klingon House! Grilka: All I have done is follow the brek'tal ritual. If the leader of a House is slain in honorable combat, the victor may be invited to take his place and his wife. You're the one who made this possible, D'Ghor. You certified before the Council that Kozak died an honorable death at the hands of this man. I am simply exercising my rights as an honored widow. D'Ghor: I will have your House and your title, Grilka. And when I am done, I will place your head and the head of this ridiculous Ferengi outside the gates. Quark: Can I say something? It seems there's some kind of dispute going on over some land, maybe some other property. I think maybe we should consider a deal. D'Ghor: I should kill you right now. Gowron: Mev'yap! D'Ghor, you cannot challenge this man in Council without just cause. We will have to consider this matter carefully before a final decision is reached. Until then, the brek'tal will be respected. The House of Kozak is gone. For the time being it will be known as the House of Quark: Quark. Gowron: Querk. Quark: Quark! Gowron: The House of Quark. Grilka: I told you not to say anything. Quark: I was trying to avoid a lot of unnecessary bloodshed, like my own. Grilka: Just do as I say and there won't be any bloodshed. Quark: Fine. What's next? What do we do now? How do we strengthen the position of your House? How do we keep D'Ghor from carrying out his threat? What's the plan? Grilka: I'm thinking. Quark: You don't have a plan, do you? You're just making this up as you go along. Grilka: I've managed to get us this far. Quark: But you have no idea where to go from here. Can I make a suggestion? Let's try having a more equal partnership, shall we? Grilka: What do you want? Quark: Just tell me what's going on. Grilka: Kozak squandered much of our family's wealth, incurred several large gambling debts, made unwise investments. As a result, the House has been weakened severely in power and in influence. Much of the debt is owed to D'Ghor who is now ready to take advantage of our weakness. If he can gain title of our lands and property, his family will become a very powerful influence in the Empire. He may even earn a seat on the Council. Quark: Would it be possible for me to see all the financial records of your House and I mean all of them. D'Ghor's too, if you can arrange it. Maybe I can find a way out of this mess. Grilka: That is not how we do things here. We are Klingons. We do not dirty ourselves with filthy ledgers looking for some financial trick Quark: Look, we've been doing things your way ever since this started, and now you've run out of ideas, so maybe we should try doing things my way for a change. It certainly can't hurt to let me look at some filthy ledgers. Bashir: Afternoon, Chief. O'Brien: Doctor. Bashir: Plomeek soup, hot. Oh, with a touch of basil. O'Brien: What do you think? Bashir: You're asking my opinion? Bashir: An arboretum. For Keiko, I presume? To make her a little happier now the school's been closed down. O'Brien: It's not just for Keiko. I mean, it'd benefit the entire station. Do you think it'll work? Bashir: Absolutely. For about two months. Then you'll be right back where you started. O'Brien: Two months? Bashir: Well, it's been my experience that during any serious disagreement a smile and sweet words will buy you two hours, flowers will buy you a week, an arboretum, well, that's at least two months. But in the end, you still have to solve the underlying problem. O'Brien: I thought an arboretum would give her a chance to continue her studies. Help her find something to do with her time. Bashir: Like a hobby. O'Brien: Exactly. Bashir: Exactly why it won't work. You can't ask her to turn her profession into a hobby. Would you be satisfied just puttering around in a workshop making nano-circuit boards and playing with tricorders? O'Brien: I suppose not. Bashir: You're Chief of Operations, I'm a doctor, and Keiko's a botanist. And until she can be a botanist again, I'm not sure she's ever really going to be happy. Quark: Very clever. Very clever indeed. D'Ghor has manipulated your family's holdings, devalued the lands you hold, and he is the principal creditor on Kozak's outstanding gambling debts. It's no accident your family's getting weaker and D'Ghor's family is getting stronger. He's been systematically attacking your family's assets for over five years now. Grilka: You mean D'Ghor has been scheming and plotting like a F? Quark: Like a Ferengi. Grilka: There is no honor in what he has done. If he wanted to challenge my House, he should've made a declaration, met our forces in battle. Quark: And risk destroying the very thing he wanted most, your lands and property? Grilka: Can you prove any of this? You can show the Council exactly what D'Ghor has done? Quark: It's all right there. All I have to do is talk them through it. Grilka: Thank you, Quark. You may have saved my family. Quark: Well, it is the House of Quark, after all. Grilka: I really am very grateful for all you've done, Quark. That is why I'm going to let you take your hand off my thigh instead of shattering every bone in your body. Quark: Let's go talk to the Council. Quark: So, as you can see from the gross adjusted assets tabulation in column J, the net value of the land acquisition was actually zero. Now, if you go to the file marked Devaluation of Capital Income, we can review the way D'Ghor Gowron: Enough! I don't want to hear anything more about finances, mergers, or currency transactions. The charge has been made that you have used money to bring down a great House. What do you say to this, D'Ghor? D'Ghor: I say that he is a liar, that he has smeared my name and I demand vengeance through personal combat. I have diskovered new evidence, evidence which proves Kozak did not die honorably. That he actually died in an accident. I have a witness who will say he watched Kozak trip and fall on his own blade and that Quark made up the entire story. Quark: I don't know what he's trying to pull here. The only other person who was there was Rom: Hello, brother. Quark: Come on, this way. And keep quiet. Grilka: I thought you might try to leave. Quark: Look, I have done my part in this little game of yours and I am sorry about your House and title, but there's a man out there who wants to kill me tomorrow. Grilka: It's a matter of honor, Quark. D'Ghor has accused you of lying. There's no way to answer that charge except through personal combat. Quark: To you Klingons there may be no other way, but there's an old Ferengi saying about diskretion being the better part of valor. Grilka: Then what they say about the Ferengi is true. You're all lying, thieving, cowards who have no sense of loyalty or honor. Quark: Sticks and stones. Grilka: I thought you were different. I thought you had something in here. But all you have in there is a piece of latinum, and it's a pretty small piece at that. Let them run. I don't want them in my house. Quark: All right, let's go. What? What? You think I should stay and fight D'Ghor? Is that what you're thinking? How could you let her get to you like this? Don't you see what she's trying to do? She's trying to make us feel guilty. Well, it's not going to work. Rom: You're right, brother. You're a businessman. All you care about is profit. Quark: Right. Rom: This was all just a ploy to boost sales at the bar. Who cares if some Klingon female loses her House? Quark: I certainly don't. Rom: Me neither. Quark: Well, now let's get out of here. Gowron: Grilka, where is the leader of your House? Grilka: I do not know. D'Ghor: Then I say that the House of Quark has dishonored itself before this Council and I ask that it be dissolved and its lands and property be turned over to me as compensation for Quark: I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of whatever. Grilka: Whatever happens, I am proud of you. Quark: I wish I could say that's comforting. Gowron: Ready? D'Ghor: Ha! Gowron: Ready? DaH! Quark: Go ahead, kill me. That's why I'm here, isn't it, to be killed? Well, here I am, so go ahead and do it. You all want me to pick up that sword and try to fight him, don't you? But I don't have a chance and you know it. You only want me to put up a fight so your precious honor will be satisfied. Well, I'm not going to make it so easy for you. Having me fight D'Ghor is nothing more than an execution, so, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get. An execution. No honor, no glory. And when you tell your children and your grandchildren the glorious story of how you rose to power and took Grilka's House from her, I hope you remember to tell them how you heroically killed an unarmed Ferengi half your size. D'Ghor: Whatever you say, Ferengi. Gowron: D'Ghor, what are you doing? I didn't want to believe the things he said about you yesterday, but if you can stand here and murder this pathetic little man, then you have no honor, and you have no place in this Hall. Gowron: A brave Ferengi. Who would have thought it possible? I believe there are enough unusual circumstances here to justify granting you special dispensation. You can lead your House on your own, if that is what you want. Yej rhin! Grilka: You've given me back my House and my family name. How can I repay you? Quark: I would like a divorce, please. No offense. Grilka: None taken. I can give it to you right now. Grilka: N'Gos tlhogh cha! Grilka: You're a free man. Quark: A little warning would've been nice. Grilka: Qapla', Quark son of Keldar. Quark: Qapla' to you too. Keiko: I've never understood what people see in that game. Don't they ever get sick of it? O'Brien: Keiko, there's an agrobiology expedition leaving for the Janitza mountains on Bajor in two weeks. They need a chief botanist. I think you could probably qualify. Keiko: On Bajor? O'Brien: That's right. They've never surveyed these mountains. It's a very important expedition. Keiko: How long is this expedition supposed to last? O'Brien: Six months. Keiko: I can't leave you and Molly for six months. O'Brien: You can take Molly with you, I've already checked. And as for me, well, Bajor's only three hours away in a runabout. We can manage. Keiko: When we moved here, we made an agreement. O'Brien: I know. Keiko: And I'm not trying to back out of that agreement. Don't let this business about the school make you feel guilty and O'Brien: This isn't about guilt. This is about you being happy and me knowing that you're not. Keiko: I made a promise to stay with you and make this work. O'Brien: I know. But you're a botanist. That's what you trained to do. That's what you love. Be a botanist, Keiko. Be the best damned botanist in the galaxy. Rom: Brother, I haven't had the chance to tell you, but in the Great Hall when you stood there in front of D'Ghor, you were magnificent. Quark: I was lucky. If it didn't work I didn't have another card to play. Business is dropping off again. Rom: Money isn't everything. Quark: If father were alive, he'd wash your mouth out with galcor. Rom: You can't buy respect, brother, and that's what you have now. Respect. After all, that's what you wanted, isn't it? Quark: Respect is good, but latinum's better. Rom: Tell the story again about how you stood there in front of D'Ghor, not knowing whether you were going to live to see another day. Quark: Everyone's tired of hearing it, Rom. It's not going to boost business anymore. Rom: No, I mean, tell me. I want to hear it again. Quark: All right, but I'm taking this time out of your pay cheque. Well, when I entered the Great Hall, the first thing I noticed was that D'Ghor was about a meter taller than I remembered.
Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 43917.4 The Enterprise has been given the singular honor of hosting the first meeting between the Federation and a mysterious race known as the Legarans. We are in orbit around Vulcan, preparing to welcome aboard Federation Ambassador Sarek and his wife Perrin, who like his first wife, is from Earth. Riker: I remember studying his career in school. The treaty of Alpha Cygnus Nine, the Coridan admission to the Federation, the Klingon Alliance. Picard: I met him once, many years ago, very briefly at his son's wedding. I can tell you that was quite a moment for a young lieutenant, standing in the presence of such history. I remember he spoke to me and I just stood there grinning like an idiot. Riker: You? Tongue-tied? Picard: Indeed. How do you make small talk with someone who shaped the Federation? Riker: Is it true that he'll be retiring after this mission? Picard: Unofficially, that's what I hear. What a crowning achievement for his career. The benefits of relations with the Legarans are incalculable. Mendrossen: Ah Captain Picard. I am Ki Mendrossen, the ambassador's chief of staff. This is Sakkath, his personal assistant. Picard: Has the ambassador been delayed? Mendrossen: He will be joining us momentarily. But first we must discuss some matters of the utmost delicacy. Picard: Please go ahead. Mendrossen: To be frank, Captain, the ambassador is not a young man. He tires easily. Sakkath: He's going to need a lot of rest to prepare himself for the difficult job that awaits him. Mendrossen: Which is why it is imperative that he be allowed to conserve his strength. I must request that you dispense with any formal activities normally associated with a visitor of his rank. Riker: We had planned a ship's concert this evening. Picard: I believe the Ambassador is extremely fond of Mozart. Mendrossen: I'm afraid it would be impossible for him to attend. Upon his arrival he will be taken directly to his quarters where he will remain in seclusion until we reach Legara Four. Picard: You have my assurance that the Ambassador will not be disturbed during the voyage. Mendrossen: That's all we ask. Well, now that's settled, the Ambassador is waiting. Picard: Welcome aboard the Enterprise, Ambassador Sarek. Sarek: We come to serve. Picard: Your service honors us. Sarek: Allow me to present she who is my wife. Picard: Mrs. Sarek. Perrin: Please call me Perrin, Captain. Picard: This is my first officer, Commander William Riker. Perrin: Captain, would you be so kind as to show us to our quarters? Sarek: I prefer to view the conference room first. Mendrossen: Ambassador, I'm sure Sakkath and I can handle all the necessary details. Sarek: I will examine it for myself. Perrin: Perhaps it would be best if we settled in first. Sarek: They worry about my health, Captain. Too much. You will take me to the conference room, please. Riker: If you'll follow me, sir. Wesley: Are the Legarans really going to sit in this stuff? Laforge: Well, I'm sure not. Wesley: Can you believe this smell? Laforge: What smell? What can I say? To us it's a slime pit, but to them it's home. Wesley: Okay, the environmental controls are ready. What's next? Laforge: What, are you in some kind of hurry or something? Wesley: Yeah, I have a date. Laforge: A date? With who? Wesley: Ensign Dumont. Laforge: Really? She's very attractive. I've got to admit, Wes, I'm a bit surprised. Wesley: What, that she'd go out with me? Laforge: No, that you'd actually have the nerve to ask her. Way to go. Sarek: The room is not ready. Picard: No Ambassador. Commander La Forge and Ensign Crusher are Sarek: The Legarans are very sensitive in matters of protocol. You will remove all the furniture from the room. The walls must be bare. Mendrossen: I'm sure everything will be set up according to our specifications before the Legarans arrive. Isn't that right, Captain? Picard: I assure you, Ambassador, everything will be ready before the conference begins. Perrin: My husband and I have every confidence in you, Captain. Sarek: I have worked for ninety three years in preparation for this meeting. It is vital that no detail be overlooked. Sakkath: Perhaps we should allow these gentlemen to return to their work, Ambassador. Sarek: That will be acceptable. These walls are too bright. Riker: The way Mendrossen described him, I expected to see a frail old man. Picard: I hope I'm that frail when I'm two hundred and two years old. But his aides did seem to be a little overprotective, didn't they? Riker: From what I could see, the Ambassador doesn't need to be protected from anything. Picard: Well, we'll respect Mister Mendrossen's request and allow Ambassador Sarek his privacy. I suppose they were foolish and vain, my expectations of this voyage. Sharing his thoughts, memories, his unique understanding of the history he's made. Troi: Does this mean you're going to cancel the concert this evening? Picard: No, the concert will ahead as scheduled. But it's a pity that the guest of honor will be absent. Riker: For all we know, the Ambassador might enjoy an evening's entertainment Troi: Why not ask his wife if she'd like to attend? Picard: That's an excellent idea, Counselor. You have the Bridge, Number One. Perrin: Come in. Picard: I hope I'm not intruding. Perrin: Not at all, Captain, but Sarek is in meditation at the moment. Picard: Actually, I came to see you. Perrin: Well, how nice. I so rarely get visitors of my own. Usually everyone wants to see the Ambassador. Picard: I find that hard to believe. Thank you. Perrin: These quarters are quite comfortable. The Ambassador and I were very pleased when we heard that the negotiations were going to take place aboard the flagship of the Federation. Picard: The honor is ours. Perrin: My husband has taken an interest in your career. He finds it to be satisfactory. Picard: My word! High praise from a Vulcan. Perrin: Some people who expect an emotional response often find Vulcans quite cold when they are merely being Picard: Logical. Perrin: Exactly. Picard: I came to invite you, and your husband if he is available, to a Mozart recital this evening. Perrin: What a tempting offer. I doubt that the Ambassador will be able to attend, but I will make it a point to ask him. Picard: Well, then I hope to see you tonight. Perrin: As do I. Perrin: You are still unable to meditate? Sarek: It is of no importance. Perrin: It has eluded you for many weeks. Sarek: I said it is of no importance. Perrin: You know I am right. Sarek: My wife, you will leave me now. I require solitude. Wesley: The temperature in the tank is now one hundred fifty degrees Celsius. Laforge: Okay, lock it off. Wesley: Is that it? Can I get out of here now? Laforge: What's your hurry? You don't really think something's going to happen with Suzanne Dumont, do you? Wesley: At least I'm not spending the night with a good book like some people. Laforge: What's that supposed to mean? Wesley: Just what it sounds like. Laforge: Let me tell you something. You'd get more action out of a good book than you'll ever see on this date, I'll guarantee it. She's not going to waste her time on someone like you. Wesley: Someone like me? Laforge: She's way out of your league. Wesley: Since when did you become an expert on women? Laforge: Compared to you, every male on this ship is an expert on women. Wesley: Well at least I don't have to find my women on the holodeck! Laforge: What did you say? Wesley: You heard me! Laforge: Yeah, I heard you. Just what do you think is going to stop Riker: Something wrong? I asked a question. Laforge: No, sir. Nothing wrong here. Wesley: May I be excused, Commander? Riker: Anything you'd like to talk about, Geordi? Laforge: No, sir. Picard: I noticed that Lieutenant Worf put Ensign D'Amato on report for insubordination. Riker: D'Amato's been an exemplary officer. Picard: Indeed he has. Would you look into it, Number One. Riker: Of course. Picard: Good evening. Crusher: Good evening. Picard: I assume the work is progressing on the conference room? Riker: Yes, I checked in with Wesley and Geordi a few hours ago. There was a moment when I actually thought that the two of them were going to hit one each other. Picard: Ambassador Sarek, Perrin, on behalf of the entire crew, welcome. Sarek: It was my wife's suggestion that we attend. It seemed an ideal diversion. Perrin can be quite logical, when she so chooses. Mendrossen: It seems that the Ambassador had more free time than I anticipated. Picard: Commander Data will be our featured soloist this evening. Data: I have been programmed to reproduce the individual musical styles of over three hundred concert violinists, including Heifetz, Menuhin, Grak-tay and Tataglia. Do you have a preference? Perrin: Tataglia would be lovely. Data: I hope you find the performance pleasing. Perrin: I look forward to it. Picard: At your convenience, Mister Data. Please. Wesley: Hi Mom. I got a message you wanted to see me? Crusher: I thought you were going to be at the concert last night. Wesley: I said I may be going. Suzanne wanted to go to the arboretum. Crusher: Captain Picard asked me where you were. I don't like making excuses for you. Wesley: Excuses? Come on, Mom. It wasn't an official function. Crusher: Listen, young man. You have responsibilities and I want you to live up to them. Wesley: Don't you think you're overreacting a little? Crusher: Don't talk back to me! Wesley: Okay, I won't. Crusher: Where do you think you're going? Wesley: Away from you. Crusher: And then I just slapped him. Really hard. I slapped Wesley. Troi: Do you know why you did it? Crusher: I've never hit my son in his life. Troi: Beverly, this is important. What were you thinking when you hit Wes? Crusher: I wasn't thinking about anything. I was just angry. Troi: And Wesley didn't provoke you in any way? It wasn't anything he said, or anything he did? Crusher: No, that's just it. It was a sudden burst of anger. I still can't believe I did it. Troi: I don't know why you did it either, but I can tell you that I've heard the same kind of story from ten different people over the last two days. Sakkath: This is your command center. Data: Yes. It is normally occupied by Captain Picard, Commander Riker, and Counselor Troi. Sakkath: Counselor Troi is a Betazoid? Data: Half-Betazoid. Her father was human. Sakkath: Then she is not a true telepath? Data: Her skills are empathic in nature. She is able to sense the emotions of other beings. Sakkath: What is Captain Picard's background in diplomacy? Data: Extensive. The Captain's first diplomatic contact dates back to Sakkath: And what of his knowledge of the Legarans? Would he be able to conduct negotiations with them should the need arise? Data: Do you foresee such a circumstance occurring? Is Ambassador Sarek unable to Sakkath: Forgive me. I was merely exploring various possible permutations of our mission. Your tour of the Bridge has been most informative. O'Brien: Excuse me, we were sitting here. Crewman: Well we're sitting here now. O'Brien: Come on, fella. This is our table. Crewman: Really? Funny, I don't see your name on it. O'Brien: Didn't your mother teach you manners? Laforge: Hey, hey guys. Is there some kind of problem here? O'Brien: There seems to be a question of who's table this is. Laforge: There are plenty of other tables, right? O'Brien: I suppose you're right. Laforge: Why don't I get everyone another round of drinks? All right? Riker: I don't need to tell you that insubordination is a serious charge to level against any officer. Worf: I am aware of that, Commander. However, Ensign D'Amato directly challenged my authority. Riker: Is it my imagination, or have tempers become a little frayed on this ship lately? Worf: I hadn't noticed. Worf: I see what you mean. Worf: Security team to Ten Forward. Riker: Geordi, what the hell is going on here? Laforge: I wish I knew. Riker: All right, that's enough! Laforge: The next thing I know somebody's left hook is on its way to my chin. Troi: Captain, this is not an isolated incident. There have been reports of random violence all over the ship. Picard: Are you suggesting this is somehow contagious? Crusher: There's no indication of any bacteria or virus. I've run every test I know. I've checked the water, food replicators, airborne samples. Picard: This is a hell of a time. Whatever it is, I don't want it to affect the Ambassador. I want his quarters isolated from the rest of the crew until we've identified the cause. Troi: It's not that simple, Captain. Crusher: We have determined that the outbreak of violence started at virtually the same time Sarek and his party beamed onto the ship. Crusher: We do have a working theory. We believe that it's possible Ambassador Sarek himself is responsible for these incidents. Picard: Sarek? Troi: I felt something during the concert. Vague and undefined, but very disturbing Picard: He cried. I saw that. I couldn't believe it. A Vulcan moved to tears by music? It's Troi: Well, Vulcans have the same basic emotions we do. They've just learned to repress them. What I sensed during the concert was that he'd lost control. Picard: What would cause such a loss of control? Crusher: There's a very rare condition that sometimes affects Vulcans over the age of two hundred. Bendii Syndrome. Its early symptoms include sudden bursts of emotion, mostly irrational anger. Eventually, all emotional control is lost. Picard: I can imagine nothing that would be more offensive to a Vulcan. Their emotional detachment is the very core of their being. How would this affect others on board the ship? Troi: Vulcans possess telepathic ability. Sarek may unintentionally be projecting intense emotions onto other people, at random. Picard: And when the Legarans beam on board? Crusher: They could very well be affected too. Picard: Is there a treatment? Crusher: Can't someone else take his place? Picard: Sarek has built a personal relationship with them. They will accept no one else. How can we confirm your diagnosis? Crusher: We can grow a culture from the tissue of the metathalamus, but the results will take several days. Picard: I have twelve hours. Mendrossen: That's impossible, Captain Picard. I cannot delay the conference. Not for a day, not for an hour. The schedule itself required three months of negotiations. Picard: Nevertheless, we appear to be facing Mendrossen: I give you my word of honor that the Ambassador is in perfect health. Is that enough? Picard: Mister Mendrossen Mendrossen: You are dealing with a theory full of holes, Captain. Why am I not affected by Sarek's supposed condition? And Perrin. How could his wife function normally if this theory of yours is correct? Picard: I cannot explain that. Hundreds of others on board have not been affected either. I have not. It appears to be random. Proximity, apparently, has no bearing on the phenomenon. Mendrossen: You are accusing the greatest man of his time of losing his mind on the eve of his greatest triumph, and you cannot explain why. I won't report this to the Ambassador, for the moment. I don't want to divert his attention from the mission. But if I were you, in the interests of your career, I'd be very concerned about finding the real cause of these outbursts before the Legarans arrive. Picard: Mister Data, will you please report to my Ready room. Data: Aye, sir. Data: Captain Picard is not satisfied with Ki Mendrossen's assurances that the Ambassador is in good health. Do you consider Sarek capable of carrying out his mission? Sakkath: Have I given you cause to think otherwise? Data: You have voiced certain reservations to me about his abilities. Sakkath: I do not recall making such a statement. Data: Not directly, no. But you did question me about the diplomatic capabilities of both Captain Picard and Counselor Troi. Sakkath: I am honor-bound to help Sarek carry out this mission. That is the only answer I can give. Data: Then you must decide which is your greater obligation. Your loyalty to Sarek or your duty to the Federation. Can you accept the logic of continuing this mission? Sakkath: Tell your Captain the mission is in jeopardy. Data: Sakkath has been able, until recently, to use his telepathic skills to reinforce Sarek's emotional control, thus protecting others from the effects of his deterioration. Riker: He hasn't been doing a very good job. Data: The strain of this mission on Sarek has made it impossible. Picard: It's ironic, isn't it? All this magnificent technology and we find ourselves still susceptible to the ravages of old age. The loss of dignity, the slow betrayal of our bodies by forces we cannot master. Do you still want to be one of us, Data? Data: Sir, it is conceivable, even for me, that time will eventually lead to irreparable circuit failure. But there is one thing I do not understand. Sarek is a logical, intelligent being. The effects of Bendii Syndrome are apparent. Why would such a man choose to ignore them? Picard: Logic fails us sometimes, Data. I think this is one of those times. I can only guess that he does not see, or he does not wish to see, the truth. And he is being insulated against that truth by those who love him most. Riker: Someone has to confront him. Picard: Not a task that I'm looking forward to. Riker: I don't understand this. Everyone is protecting Sarek. His wife, Mendrossen, even you. Picard: What would you have me do? March down there and destroy the man? Riker: The mission with the Legarans cannot be carried out with Sarek in this condition! Picard: I know that! Riker: Then tell him that there is no way Picard: Don't you tell me what to do! Data: Captain. Commander. Picard: Of course. You're right, Number One. It's a task that I will attend to. Perrin: Captain, I don't think I understand what you're telling me. My husband is responsible for your crew assaulting one another? Picard: He is very ill, Perrin. Perrin: Bendii Syndrome is more a folk tale than a disease. There hasn't been a true case of it in my husband's lifetime. Picard: There's one now. Sakkath knows. Perrin: Sakkath? Sakkath knows nothing my husband didn't teach him. Picard: He knows. And more than that. On this mission he has been consciously holding Sarek's mind together as well as he could. Perrin: That is not true! Picard: I must see Sarek. Perrin: Captain, I know a good deal about the Vulcan mind and I know a good deal about the heart of one particular Vulcan. I am his wife, and he is fine. He does not have Bendii Syndrome, and that shall be the end of it. Picard: I'm sorry. Perrin: Please, you must not do this to him. Sarek: Must not do what, my wife? If Captain Picard wishes to see me, he may do so. I regret that we have seen so little of each other during this voyage, Captain. Picard: The loss is mine, Ambassador. Mendrossen: Captain, may I talk with you in private? Sarek: You were speaking of your belief that I suffer from Bendii Syndrome. I have been accused of many things in my life, never an excess of emotion. Perrin: Sarek, I see no reason to continue this discussion. Sarek: On the contrary, I wish to assuage any fears the Captain may have regarding my capabilities. I believe there is a test for Bendii Syndrome. I will take it immediately. Picard: Unfortunately the results would not be available for several days, which is why I must ask for a postponement of the conference. Sarek: That would be a mistake. Captain, I give you my word. I am in perfect health. Picard: Then why must Sakkath help to contain your emotions? Sarek: Is what the captain says true? Mendrossen: No, Ambassador, absolutely not. Sarek: Perrin, were you aware of this? Sakkath, I await an answer. Sakkath: I have been using my limited abilities to strengthen your mental diskipline. Sarek: Your efforts will no longer be required! Sakkath: That would not be wise. Sarek: It may not be wise but it is necessary. Sarek: Leave me. I wish to speak with Captain Picard. Perrin: Sarek, I ask you to reconsider. Sarek: Obey my wishes. There is nothing to fear. Picard: I hope I've not embarrassed you, Ambassador. Sarek: You seem to forget, Captain, that I am a Vulcan. I am not affected by emotional considerations. Picard: I think you are affected, sir, far more than you realize. Sarek: I am a logical being. Present your arguments. I will listen. Picard: There is an epidemic of violent incidents aboard the Enterprise. As we speak, the situation is worsening. Sarek: And it is your hypothesis that I am the cause of these incidents? Picard: Yes. My Chief Medical Officer has explored all other probable causes. Sarek: I share your concern for your crew. However, you must agree it is not unusual for a starship to encounter unexplained phenomena. Picard: That is correct. Sarek: Therefore, since I can assure you that I am not the cause of your difficulties, the logical course would be to have your doctor to continue her search. Picard: She is. It is also a fact that these incidents began shortly after your arrival. Sarek: Is your entire argument to be based on mere coincidence? Picard: Is it also coincidence that your wife and chief of staff are carefully isolating you? Sarek: Ah. I believe I see the flaw in your logic. You are reacting to their overprotective attitudes towards me. They are both somewhat emotional concerning my age. Picard: Surely Sakkath cannot be influenced by emotion? Sarek: Am I to be blamed for the judgment of a child? Sakkath is young and inexperienced. He erred in his assumption that I needed help! Picard: But you needed his help at the concert. Or is there possibly some other logical explanation for what happened that night? Sarek: What happened? Picard: I saw you crying. Sarek: I do not cry. Picard: I was there I saw the tears. Sarek: You exaggerate, Captain. I recall only one tear. Picard: So you were emotionally affected by the music. Sarek: That is not possible! Picard: You still haven't answered my question, Sarek. Is it logical for a Vulcan to cry? Sarek: It was late. I was fatigued. Nothing more. The Legarans trust only me. They will not meet with any other member of the Federation. I must be allowed to complete my mission! There are no other logical solutions! Picard: No other logical solutions? But Ambassador, there are always other solutions. You have said so yourself many times. Sarek: What I meant was that Picard: Sarek of Vulcan would never be afraid of looking straight at something he did not want to see. Sarek: I warn you! Your efforts to discredit me will not succeed! Picard: Sarek of Vulcan never confused what he wanted with the truth. Sarek: I will not be spoken to in this manner! Picard: Do I hear anger in your voice? Sarek: It would be illogical for a Vulcan to show anger! It would be illogical! Illogical! Illogical! Illogical! Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. In three hours time we are scheduled to meet with the Legaran delegation. However, it is now all too evident that Ambassador Sarek is in no condition to proceed with the conference. Riker: We're entering the Legaran system, sir. Shall I have Mister Worf contact their ambassador? Picard: No. I will present our regrets to the Legarans personally. It is vital that they understand our reasons for canceling these negotiations. Riker: Captain, I think you did the right thing. Picard: But at what cost, Number One? Picard: Come. Perrin? Perrin: I must speak with you, Captain. Riker: I'll be on the Bridge, sir. Picard: How is the Ambassador? Perrin: Resting. I've come to ask you to reconsider your position. Picard: You know that is impossible. Perrin: Sarek is a good man. He's given the Federation a lifetime of service. I beg you to let him keep the respect he has earned. Picard: He'll never lose that respect. Perrin: Mendrossen and I never wanted to deceive you. My husband's condition came on him so gradually it was so easy to delude ourselves and pretend that nothing was wrong. We convinced ourselves that he could complete this one last task and end his career with dignity. Help him, Captain. Help him regain his pride, his honor. Picard: Believe me, it would give me great pleasure, but there is nothing I can do. Perrin: The mission can be saved. But he needs your help to do it. Sarek: A mind-meld? Between the two of us? Do you realize the dangers involved in what you are proposing, Captain? Picard: Yes, I do, Ambassador. But I also realize the potential benefits. Sarek: We would be linked telepathically, sharing our thoughts, becoming in essence one mind. Picard: Which, for a few hours, should provide the emotional control you need. In that time, you can meet with the Legarans and conclude the treaty. Sarek: It is a generous offer. But I must warn you that while I would gain your stability, you would experience the fierce onslaught of emotions unleashed by my condition. Vulcan emotions are extremely intense. We have learned to suppress them. No human would be able to control them. They would overwhelm you. The mind-meld can be a terrible intimacy. I cannot allow it. Picard: I'm aware of the risks. But it is the only logical solution. Sarek: Your courage honors me, Captain. Crusher: I can't say I approve of this, Jean-Luc. Picard: I didn't expect that you would, Beverly. Crusher: I don't suppose I could talk you out of it? Picard: I'm afraid not, though I do admit to a certain trepidation. Your company is much appreciated. Picard: Come. Sarek: I see that you are ready, Captain. Picard: Doctor Crusher will monitor our responses. Sarek: A sensible precaution. Sarek: My mind to your mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts. Data: Commander, the Legarans are ready to beam aboard. Riker: Very well. Sarek: Number One, please inform the Legaran delegation that Sarek of Vulcan is on his way to welcome them. Riker: Yes, Ambassador. Riker: I take it the mind-meld was a success? Sarek: Yes. All went as planned. Riker: Is Captain Picard all right? Sarek: Don't worry, Number One. Riker: And the Ambassador? Sarek: I am myself again. It has been a long time. Picard: No! It is wrong. It is wrong! A lifetime of diskipline washed away, and in its place bedlam. Bedlam! I am so old. There is nothing left but dry bones and dead friends. Tired, oh so tired. Crusher: It will pass, all of it. Just another hour or so. You're doing fine. Just hold on. Picard: No! This weakness disgusts me! I hate it! Where is my logic? I am betrayed by desires. I want to feel. I want to feel everything. But I am a Vulcan. I must feel nothing. Give me back my control. Crusher: Jean-Luc! Picard: Perrin. Amanda. I wanted to give you so much more. I wanted to show you such tenderness. But that is not our way. Spock, Amanda, did you know? Perrin, can you know how much I love you? I do love you! Picard: Beverly. Crusher: I'm here, Jean-Luc. I'm not going anywhere. Picard: It's quite difficult. The anguish of the man, the despair pouring out of him, all those feelings, the regrets. I can't stop them. Picard: I can't stop them. I can't. I can't. Crusher: Don't even try. First Officer's log, Stardate 43920.7. Ambassador Sarek has successfully concluded the negotiations with the Legarans. The USS Merrimac has arrived and will transport the Ambassador and his party back to Vulcan. Picard: I hope your journey aboard the Merrimac will be uneventful. Sakkath: With the pressures of the conference behind him, I believe I can help maintain his control until we return to Vulcan. Riker: What will happen to him then? Mendrossen: The effects of Bendii Syndrome are irreversible. Medical research is always continuing, of course. Riker: Mister O'Brien, stand by for transport. O'Brien: Aye, sir. Perrin: Thank you, Captain. Picard: He loves you very much. Perrin: I know. I have always known. Sarek: I will take my leave of you now, Captain. I do not think we shall meet again. Picard: I hope you are wrong, Ambassador. Sarek: We shall always retain the best part of the other inside us. Picard: I believe I have the best part of that bargain, Ambassador. Peace and long life. Sarek: Live long and prosper.
Woman: Can I have some service please? How long does it take? I've been waiting forever. Man: Quark, this isn't what I wanted. Odo: Having a bad day? Quark: Like you care. Fizz, froth, flip, finial, foam and flare. What's going on at that table, anyway? Odo: I take it there's a problem with your drink replicator? Quark: A problem? No. Can't be. If there were a problem, I would have submitted an emergency maintenance request this morning. And if I had done that, Chief O'Brien would have assured me that Rom would fix it right away. Then, of course, Rom would have then promised me that Nog would fix it before the end of the day. And since this is the end of the day and there is no Nog in sight, we can only draw one conclusion. That I don't have a problem. Dax: Is your drink replicator broken? Quark: You're quick today. Dax: Do you want me to fix it or not? Quark: You? Dax: That's right. Nog had a chance to take a trip to Ferenginar and I told him that I would cover for him while he was away. Quark: Why? Dax: Because he did a favor for me last week, so I owe him. Quark: But that's work for a mechanic, a repairman, a lowly engineer. Dax: I'll tell Chief O'Brien you said that. Quark: A Supernova and a silven surprise. She can't do this. Odo: Why not? Quark: It's not right. She's above this sort of thing. Those hands weren't meant to be poking around inside a filthy drink replicator. Quark: They were meant for higher pursuits. Odo: You're in love. Quark: That is the most ridiculous thing you've said this last year. Odo: Really? Quark: Really. Odo: It must kill you that she's married to Worf. Quark: I don't know what you're talking about. And since you're not going to order something, would you please step aside so that I can do my job. Odo: Of course. By the way, that's not a Silven surprise, it's a Silken sunrise. Jake: Is that it? Nog: That's right. Jake: Can I see it? Nog: No. Jake: Nog. Nog: No. It's an official diplomatic message from the Federation Council to the Grand Nagus. It's for his eyes only. Jake: Yeah, but you know what's in it. Nog: Maybe. Jake: It's a proposal for an alliance, isn't it? I mean, the Federation sends the only Ferengi in Starfleet to personally deliver a diplomatic message to the Grand Nagus? Something big is up. Nog: You told me you weren't coming on this trip as a reporter. Jake: I'm not. I came to see Ferenginar. I've heard a lot about it. I can't wait to see all the rain and the muck Nog: Good. Because while I'm delivering the message to the Grand Nagus, you'll have plenty of time to play tourist. Starbase: Shenandoah, this is Starbase two five seven. You've been cleared to leave our defense perimeter. Remain at one half impulse until you've passed the outer marker. Nog: Acknowledged. Jake: I don't get to see the Nagus? Nog: Now why would you want to see the Nagus? Jake: My father told me to say hello and to give the Nagus his best wishes. Nog: You're going to have to do better than that. Jake: And because I told the editor of the Federation News Service that I could get an exclusive interview with Zek. Nog: Jake, you promised me you weren't coming along as a reporter! Jake: I didn't promise, okay? I just sort of, you know. Okay, I promised, but this could be a really big story, Nog. The people have a right to know! Nog: Forget it. You're not getting anywhere near the Grand Nagus. I have no further comments. Jake: What's it? Nog: I'm not sure. I'm having trouble with our long range scanners. Looks like our sensors are being jammed. Nog: Uh oh. Nog: Hang on! Jake: Where did they come from? Nog: I don't know, but it looks like they're heading for the starbase. Jake: We're not sticking around are we? Nog: Not in a runabout we're not. We're no match for a wing of Jem'Hadar fighters. Nog: See if you can open a channel to Deep Space Nine. Jake: Something's wrong. I think they're jamming our comm. system. Now why would they do that? Nog: Because one of them's turned around and now he's coming after us. Jake: You do realize you're taking us deeper and deeper into Dominion held space. Nog: We don't have much choice. Every time I try to change course, they gain on us. Jake: They're gaining on us anyway. We might as well try and head for the Federation. If we keep going in this direction, we'll run into Cardassia Prime, and that won't be much fun at all. Computer: Warning. We are within range of enemy weapons. Jake: Thanks for the warning. Nog: All right. When I go to impulse, raise the forward shields and transfer auxiliary power to the phasers. Jake: We're dropping out of warp? Nog: If we have to fight, I'd rather do it at impulse. At least we'd have an edge in maneuverability. Jake: You're a Ferengi, why don't you try making a deal or something? Nog: It doesn't seem they're very interested in talking. Stand by. Here they come. Jake: Shields down thirty percent! Nog: I see it. Jake: We're losing main power! Nog: Keep the weapons online. Everything else is expendable, including life support. Jake: There's another ship coming in, bearing one seven zero mark two one five. Nog: Jem'Hadar or Cardassian? Jake: It's er, it's the Defiant! Nog: What? Nog: It's not the Defiant. This ship's registry number is NCC seven four two one zero. USS Valiant. Jake: Valiant? Great name. I hope they tear that Jem'Hadar ship apart piece by Nog: Jake! Jake! Collins: Are you all right, sir? Jake: Yes. It's nothing serious, Cadet er, Chief? Collins: Acting Chief Petty Officer Dorian Collins. The Captain's asked me to escort you both to the bridge. If you'll follow me? Farris: Main power holding. Auxiliary power on standby. Shields holding at eighty four percent. Watters: Helm, bring us about to course two one five mark three one zero. Shepard: Two one five mark three one zero, aye sir. Watters: Set quantum torpedo warheads to maximum yield, full spread. Farris: Maximum yield, full spread, aye sir. Watters: Helm, initiate attack pattern sierra four. Shepard: Sierra four, aye, sir. Farris: Shields now at seventy eight percent. Watters: Transfer auxiliary power to shields. Nog: This is Red Squad. Jake: Red Squad? Nog: It was a group of elite cadets at the Academy. They were the best of the best. Red Squad received special training, special quarters, special everything. Jake: They have their own ship? Nog: I've heard of Cadets getting command of a runabout or a shuttle, but not a starship. Watters: Fire! Watters: As you were. This is the Captain. Stand down from Red Alert. All stations submit damage and casualty reports to the first officer. Glad to see you made it in one piece. I'm Tim Watters, Commanding Officer. Welcome aboard. Nog: Thank you. Sir? Watters: Sir, is correct, ensign. I was given a battlefield commission and command of this vessel by the late Captain Ramirez. Using that authority, I have commissioned and promoted other members of Red Squad as needed. Nog: I see. Well. I'm Ensign Nog and this is Jake Sisko. We're from Deep Space Nine. Watters: Sisko? You're Benjamin Sisko's son. Jake: That's right. Watters: I've heard a lot about your father. I see you're not following in his footsteps. Jake: No. I'm a reporter. Watters: You should really get that looked at. Chief? Collins: Sir. Watters: Escort Mister Sisko to Sickbay. Collins: Aye, Captain. This way, sir. Farris: Preliminary damage report, sir. Watters: Oh, thank you. Ensign Nog, Commander Karen Farris, our first officer. Nog: Commander. Farris: Ensign. Sir, the Engine Room also reports that we still have power spikes cropping up all through the deuterium injector startup routine. Watters: I thought we had that under control. Farris: I did too, sir. Nog: Have you recalibrated the lateral impulse control system? Farris: No. What does that have to do with the injectors? Nog: Well, the impulse system shares some of the same power relays used in the injector startup routine. Watters: We'll try it. Mister Nog, why don't you wait in my ready room. Nog: Yes, sir. Collins: The training cruise was supposed to last three months. We had seven regular officers and a crew of thirty five cadets. The plan was for the cadets to run the ship while the officers observed and critiqued our performance. Jake: So this was a training ship. Like the other one, the, er, the Republic. Collins: Not quite. The Republic's an old ship. I don't think she's left the Terran system in fifty years. The Valiant's a state of the art warship. Our mission was to circumnavigate the entire Federation before returning home. Jake: The entire Federation? With a ship of cadets? Collins: Not just cadets, Mister Sisko. Watters: We were transiting the Kepla Sector when the war broke out. As you probably know, a Dominion invasion force swept through that sector on the first day. Nog: So you were caught behind enemy lines. Watters: Correct. We were trying to make our way back to Federation held space when we encountered a Cardassian battle cruiser near El Gatark. That was our first taste of combat. In the first fifteen minutes, four regular officers were killed. Three others were critically wounded including Captain Ramirez. Nog: Is that when you took command? Watters: No. When I got to the bridge, the Captain was in pretty bad shape, but he was lucid and he refused to go to Sickbay. We had lost main power and we were adrift, but the Cardassian cruiser was no better off. So it was a race against the clock. The ship that got main power back online first would have a decisive advantage. The Captain, he was amazing. He directed the entire damage control effort with a punctured lung and massive internal injuries. He was a great man. Nog: And he won the race. Watters: We got weapons and impulse engines back online in three hours. And then we destroyed that Cardie ship. The next day, just before he died, the Captain ordered me to take command of the Valiant. Nog: It's unbelievable. You've spent eight months behind enemy lines. Watters: I didn't do it alone. The crew deserves the real credit. We have cadets here as young as seventeen who are doing the jobs of officers twice their age. But we're also seriously undermanned. I could use another officer. Nog: I'd be happy to do whatever I can, sir. Watters: I see you're familiar with the operations of a class seven warp drive. Nog: Very familiar, sir. The Defiant has an identical engine. Watters: Excellent. As of this moment, you are Chief Engineer. Congratulations. Nog: Chief Engineer? Watters: With rank of Lieutenant Commander. Your first assignment is to figure out why we can't go above warp three point two. Mister Parton believes it's Nog: Excuse me, sir. I, I don't think I'm ready for this. Watters: None of us were ready for the responsibility thrust upon us, Commander. But each of us found a way to rise to the occasion, do the job that had to be done. Ready or not, you are Chief Engineer. You can do this, Mister Nog. Just have faith in yourself, faith in your shipmates, and everything will be fine. Nog: Yes, sir. I will, sir. Watters: Good man. That's what I want to hear. Now if you can just fix our warp drive problems, we can get on with our mission. Nog: Our mission? I don't understand. Watters: My orders are to collect technical data on a new Dominion battleship operating in this sector. We keep picking up their comm. traffic, so we know they're in the area, but because we can't go faster than warp three point two, we're unable to get within sensor range. Nog: And Starfleet knows you're in command of the Valiant. Watters: No. We've had to maintain strict radio silence ever since the war began. The orders were addressed to Captain Ramirez, but since he's dead, the mission's now mine. Make no mistake, I will carry out that mission. Or die trying. Dismissed. Collins: Coffee? Jake: Raktajino, please. Collins: Here you go. Jake: Thanks. So, where are you from? Collins: Me? Tycho City. Jake: Oh, a Lunar Schooner. Collins: I haven't heard that in a long time. Jake: I picked it up from my granddad. Of course, he still calls Luna the moon like it's the only one or something. Collins: Well, nobody who's ever lived on the moon calls it Luna, either. That's just something they say on Earth. Jake: So what's it like? Collins: You're from Earth aren't you? You've never been to the moon? Jake: Just never got around to it. Tell me about it. Collins: Well, people say it's so barren and harsh, but it's not. it's beautiful. I mean Tycho City's just a city, but outside where the gravity is still low and there's no air. You know, the sun only comes up once a month on the moon. Every lunar morning, my father and I would put on suits, hike out across the Sea of Clouds. We'd stop at this collection of boulders on the western rim and just wait for the sun to come up. Dawn is so shocking on the moon. One minute you're in the darkest night you can imagine, and the next instant, the sun lifts up and this glorious, pure light just explodes across the surface. I felt like I met God every morning. I'm on duty. Excuse me. Watters: What's your solution, Commander? Nog: I've taken the safeties off the plasma intercooler, the flux moderator and the pressure control system. That should solve the problem. Farris: You do realize you're violating about fifty safety regulations? Nog: Yes, sir, I do. But I also know that Chief O'Brien made the same changes to the Defiant. She never had a problem. Farris: I don't know, Captain. This seems kind of risky to me. Watters: Mister Parton? Parton: After spending seven months plodding along at warp three point two, I'm willing to try anything, sir. Watters: Watters to Bridge. Prepare for warp speed. Shepard: Aye, sir. Watters: All right, Mister Nog. Take us to warp four. Collins: Can I help you, sir? Watters: No. No, I've got it. Any problems with Sisko's arm? Collins: No, sir. Watters: You got a problem, Chief? Collins: No, sir. Watters: Have you been crying? Collins: A little. Watters: About what? Collins: I was just thinking about home. Watters: Come in. Chief, I think you can go now. Collins: Thank you, sir. Farris: Well, Mister Sisko. It sounds like you and the Chief had quite a conversation this afternoon. Home and family and the glories of dawn on the moon. Does that just about cover it? Jake: That's about it. What's going on? Farris: What's going on, Mister Sisko, in case you haven't noticed, is that we are in the middle of a war. We can't afford to have young cadets thinking about mommy and daddy when they need to be concentrating on their duties. Jake: All I did was ask about her home. Farris: All you did was plunge a member of this crew into emotional turmoil. Watters: Jake. May I call you Jake? You're a reporter. Your job is to watch the way events unfold, not participate in them. Right now, you need to stand back. Take a look at where you are and what's going on around you. You're right in the middle of a great story. Maybe one of the greatest stories in the entire Dominion War. This ship is special, Jake. This crew is special. And whatever fates guide this universe, they've have chosen us to achieve some purpose in this conflict. I know that. Just as surely as I know your presence on this ship is no coincidence. You're here to write the story, to tell people of the Valiant and her crew. Don't interfere with the story, Jake. Don't become a part of it. Just let it unfold around you. Observe, listen, and then write it down. May I have your word you'll stay away from Chief Collins? Jake: Okay. Watters: Thank you, Jake. You're dismissed. Farris: I'm not sure we can trust him. Watters: We'll keep an eye on him. Farris: What about Mister Nog? Watters: Mister Nog wears the uniform. He'll do his duty. All right, that'll be all, Commander. I'll see you at eighteen hundred hours. Farris: Yes, sir. Captain, are you all right? Watters: Yes. Why? Farris: I heard you were on the bridge during the midwatch again last night. You haven't been getting much sleep lately, sir. Watters: None of us have, Commander. Farris: No, sir. I suppose not. Watters: Thank you for your concern, Karen, but I'm fine. Really. Farris: Yes, sir. I'm sorry I even brought it up. Watters: That's all right. Jake: Where've you been? Nog: Engine Room. I solved their warp problem. Jake: What's that? Nog: My Red Squad insignia. Oh, and in case you haven't noticed, this would be my new rank. Lieutenant Commander Nog, Chief Engineer. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Jake: You joined the crew? Nog: Something wrong with that? Jake: It's a little fast. We just got here and Watters puts you in charge of the Engine Room? Nog: Captain Watters is used to making quick decisions. He felt I was the right man for the job, so he promoted me. Farris: Red Alert. All hands to battle stations. I repeat, all hands to battle stations. Shepard: Range, one point three two light years. Speed, warp four point seven. Nog: What's going on? Farris: We've found our battleship. Shepard: Their course is one seven zero mark one three five. Speed warp three point nine seven. Crewwoman: Bridge to phaser control, you've got a spike in your 3L subsystem. Take care of it. Crewwoman 2: Sensors show a drop in gamma radiation. Farris: Phaser reserve is losing power. Nog: I'll reroute it through the auxiliary power interface. Shepard: They've changed course. Watters: Any sign they've detected us? Farris: Negative. I think we're still outside their sensor range. Watters: Maintain your distance, helm. Match their course and speed. Shepard: Aye, sir. Watters: Prepare a class three probe for launch. Farris: Aye, sir. Jake: What happens now? Nog: We're going to launch a sensor probe to scan the battleship. That way, the Valiant won't be picked up on their scanners. Jake: Won't they detect the probe? Nog: Class three probes are designed to be virtually undetectable. There's almost no chance of it being spotted. Jake: Almost? Farris: I don't remember anyone inviting you to the bridge. Captain's log, stardate 51825.4. We've been shadowing the Dominion battleship for three hours. The data our probe has gathered so far has not only been interesting but it may have given us a golden opportunity to strike a blow for the Federation. Shepard: Attention on deck! Watters: Stand at ease. It's been a long eight months. A lot of hard work, a lot of sacrifice. Now we've accomplished our mission. We found the battleship and obtained a complete scan without being detected, and we're free to go home. But that ship out there is a direct threat to every Federation outpost and colony within fifty light years. That ship must be destroyed. It can be destroyed. Commander? Farris: We've found a flaw in the design of their antimatter storage system. The primary support braces are made of viterium. Watters: It's a very strong, very resilient metal alloy which just happens to become extremely unstable when exposed to delta radiation. Farris: A single torpedo rigged with a radiogenic warhead could reduce those braces to the consistency of wet pasta. Watters: And as a result, the entire antimatter storage system would tear itself apart. Commander Nog, you don't seem convinced. Nog: Well, sir, in order to rig a torpedo to yield a delta radiation burst I'll have to remove most of the guidance systems. We'll have to target it manually. Farris: We've trained for that possibility. It shouldn't be a problem. Nog: We'll also have to get very close to the target. Watters: How close? Nog: Within three hundred meters. Watters: It's dangerous, there's no disputing that. And no one would think any less of us if we just turn around and go home. But that means that some other ship with some other crew would be asked to finish the job that we started. I think we can do it. I think we should do it. Jake: Can I say something? Farris: You are not a member of this crew. Watters: Let him speak. Jake: You all probably know who my father is. Benjamin Sisko. So you know I'm not exaggerating when I say that he's considered to be one of the best combat officers in the fleet. And I'm telling you right now that even with the entire crew of the Defiant with him, my father would never try to pull off something like this. And if he can't do it, it can't be done. Watters: We're Red Squad and we can do anything. All: Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Red Squad! Jake: This is suicide. Nog: No, it's not. Jake: Nog, listen to me. We're in way over our heads here. Now someone told me that ship out there is twice the size of a Galaxy class starship and three times as strong. Nog: That's accurate. Jake: And you really think we can go up against a ship like that? Nog: I think that Captain Watters Jake: Oh, really? Well, did you know that Watters has been taking cordafin stimulants for the past two months? Nog: Where did you hear that? Jake: Dorian told me. Nog: You were ordered to stay away from her! Jake: Will you forget about obeying orders for just a minute! Watters: Watters to Shepard. Please report to my Ready room, Lieutenant. Nog: That's not the way we do things in Starfleet. Jake: I can't believe you're buying everything that Watters is selling. Nog: He's not selling anything. He's reminding us of our duty. Jake: I feel like I'm having a conversation with one of the bulkheads. Nog: You don't understand because you've never put on one of these uniforms. You don't know anything about sacrifice or honor or duty or any of the things that make up a soldier's life. I'm part of something larger than myself. All you care about is you. Jake: That's right. All I care about is Jake Sisko and whether or not he's going to be killed by a bunch of delusional fanatics looking for martyrdom. Nog: Get out. Jake: I don't even know who you are anymore. Nog: I'm the Chief Engineer of the starship Valiant. Jake: I'll have them put that on your tombstone. Shepard: Mister Sisko. I'm afraid you'll have to miss all the fun. You're going to spend the rest of this mission in the brig. Farris: All decks report ready, sir. Watters: This is the Captain. We are about to engage the enemy. For eight months, I've told you to stay focused on one thing. Your duty. But now I want you to step back from your duty. Watters: Take a look around. And I don't mean look at the walls. I want you to look at this moment Watters: In your life. Take it in. Appreciate the fact that you are on this ship, with this group of people, at this point in history. Watters: But understand one thing above all else. Watters: This moment will never come again. Hold on to it. Savor it far as long as you can. You're Starfleet, you're Red Squad. Watters: And you're the best. Now, let's get that battleship and we can all go home. Captain out. Take us to warp six, Mister Nog. Nog: Warp six, aye. Farris: They've spotted us. They're dropping out of warp. Watters: Helm, go to impulse. Shepard: Aye, sir. Farris: We are in visual range. Watters: On screen. Watters: Lay in a strafing course along their superstructure and make it close. That way they won't get a weapons lock on us. I want to scrape some of the paint off their hull, Lieutenant. Shepard: Aye, sir. Watters: Raise shields, charge phasers. Fire at any targets of opportunity as we pass. Farris: Aye, sir. Watters: Torpedo status? Nog: Torpedoes ready, sir. Farris: Defense system, ready. Shepard: Helm ready. Watters: All right, Mister Shepard. Take us in. Farris: Shields holding. Shepard: Course stable. Watters: Fire at will! Watters: Helm, hard about! Tactical, get a target lock on those braces! Nog: Impulse engines at full thrust. Farris: They're trying to jam our sensors. Watters: Mister Nog, initiate countermeasures. Nog: I'm on it! Farris: I've acquired the target. Torpedoes locked. Watters: Full power to the forward shields. Helm, plot an escape course down the z axis. Shepard: Ready. Watters: Engage. Shepard: They're turning to port. Watters: Match them, helm. Keep us on track. Shepard: Aye, sir. Collins: Hull breach on deck two. Emergency forcefields are in place. Farris: Steady our course, helm. I can't maintain targeting lock. Watters: Karen, it's all yours. Fire when ready. Farris: Understood. Just a little closer. Shepard: We're losing our port shields. Farris: Steady as she goes. Torpedoes away! Watters: Aft view, on screen. Watters: Did we miss the target? Farris: No, sir. It was a direct hit. It just, it didn't work. Shepard: Orders, Captain? Watters: Lay in a new course one two seven mark three Collins: Hull breach on deck two. Deck three, deck four. Farris: Evasive maneuvers! Bring us about to course one two seven mark three two zero. Shepard: I've lost helm control. Nog: Main power's offline! I'm rerouting the Collins: Auxiliary power's offline. But I still have phaser control. Shall I return fire? Sir? Nog: No, it's over. Collins: The Captain wanted us to Nog: The Captain is dead, Chief. They're all dead. The ship is lost. There's no need for us to die here too. Computer: Abandon ship. Abandon ship. This is not a drill. All hands proceed to emergency escape pods. Jake: Help! Somebody let me out of here! Help! Nog: Jake! Jake! Jake: What happened? Nog: We failed. (The first two are shot down. Two more set off then Valiant goes KaBOOM destroying one of them. Number four heads off.) Kira: Captain, I'm picking up a Starfleet distress signal, bearing three one eight mark zero zero five. Range, ten light years. Worf: That location is inside Dominion held space. Sisko: Can you identify the ship sending the distress call? Kira: Looks like it's from an escape pod. USS Valiant. Worf: The Valiant was reported lost over eight months ago. It could be a Dominion ruse to lure us into their territory. Sisko: Then again it may be genuine. We have to find out. Cloak the ship and lay in a course. Kira: Aye, sir. Sisko: We scanned the area for any other escape pods, but it doesn't look like anyone else made it. Jake: It was a long shot. I just thought maybe Sisko: How is she, Doctor? Bashir: I've managed to repair her fractured skull, and with a little rest she should be fine. Sisko: And Nog? Bashir: Oh, a few bumps and bruises, but he's going to be fine as well. Jake: Can I talk to him? Bashir: I don't see why not. Jake: Are you okay? Nog: Yeah. You going to write a story about all this? Jake: Probably. Nog: What are you going to say? Jake: What do you think I should say? Nog: That it was a good ship with a good crew that made a mistake. We let ourselves blindly follow Captain Watters and he led us over a cliff. Collins: That's not true. Captain Watters was a great man. Jake: Dorian, he got everyone killed. Collins: If he failed it's because we failed him. Nog: Put that in your story too. Let people read it and decide for themselves. Nog: He may have been a hero. He may even have been a great man. But in the end he was a bad captain.
Michael: Welcome children of the Scranton Industrial Park Community. Kids: YAY! Michael: Join your gangsta pumpkin on his palette truck of doom. Don't worry about a thing. Rest assured you will see me later. Bwah ha ha... [bumps into something] ... ha ha ha. Jim: We are doing a haunted house this Halloween. Which is actually kinda spooky because, as legend has it, on this very site there used to be a productive paper company. Michael: I am going to scare these kids so bad. Darryl: This is the spookiest warehouse in the world, kids. You don't believe me? Just take a look. [Kevin chops into Erin, who is dressed as Princess Fiona] Oh. Scary, huh? This is a surgery with an octopus and a burn victim. Angela: Black widow. Kelly: Lulu from The Fifth Element. Darryl: Nobody told me what people were, alright? So... label yourselves or take what you get. Creed: I want to sell your blood! Ryan: That's really not the trend in vampires right now. Darryl: Here is an old man and a goth dude... and then the old crone from Drag Me to Hell. Meredith: I'm a hobo. Darryl: I asked for a list. [Dwight rides in on a tricycle, laughing diabolically] ...and a clown. Dwight: I'm Jigsaw, idiot. Darryl: You're not as scary as Book Face, over there. Jim: Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Book Face. Darryl: Ok, kids. You've all been so good and unbelievably patient so I think you are gonna get some candy! Kids: Yeah! [a chair falls over, Michael is seen hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck - the kids scream] Michael: Kids, just remember, suicide is never the answer. Alright? Michael: Why is Christmas the only holiday that can have a message? Michael: It is the easy way out. You are not alone. Darryl: What the hell is wrong with you? Michael: Who wants candy? Michael: ...and then I think I'm going to go to the Garlic Festival. Jim: Wow. Michael: Sounds like fun. You guys would love it. Jim: I bet we would. Michael: They have a TCBY booth. Jim: Cool. Michael: The same stuff you get downtown. Jim: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Do you like TCBY? Jim: Who doesn't? Michael: I can't believe it's- I can't believe it's yogurt. Uh... it'll be fun Erin: I confirmed with Raskin Design and they're expecting the both of you in an hour. Jim: Oh. Actually, it's just gonna be me. Erin: They said the both of you. Jim: That is a mistake. Michael: You should give them a call. Check that out. Jim: Alright. Let's clear this up. [on phone] Well, there's actually been a few changes in the company and Michael and I are actually at the same level. So, I can- no. Nope. Why would that be a problem? Michael: Jim's a good kid. He can handle a lot but sometimes you have to call in a master. I, uh... why would you date an amateur when you could date a professional? Jim: Great. See ya' then. Michael: Wha- what? Jim: They said that they would feel more comfortable if you came along. Michael: Why don't they just want you to go by yourself? Why do they want me to come, too? I don't understand. Jim: I absolutely don't understand, either. Michael: I don't want you to feel like I'm baby-sitting you, or something. Alright. Jim: Alright. Michael: Let me get your stroller. Jim: Sure. Michael's a good teacher. A teacher is someone who stands right next to you your whole life and never lets you do anything. That's what a teacher is, right? Michael: What are you gonna call him? Jim: Dave. Michael: No. What is his name? Jim: Dave. Michael: Mr. Bourchard. They're very formal. Jim: Yeah. I've spoken to them on the phone. Michael: Yeah, well... this is not the phone. This is real life, baby, and you gotta own it. Is that what you are wearing? Jim: Yes, it is. Michael: ...and that is the watch that you are going to wear? No. It is not. You should wear this watch. I will loan it to you. It is a Tankard. I highly recommend you wear that. Jim: No thanks. Michael: They are into style. Jim: Mmm-hmm. Michael: They are into appearance. We are selling success. Jim: ...and paper. Michael: That's sorta secondary. [offers Jim the watch again] Jim: Nope. No. Jim: He's trying to micro-co-manage me... or co-micro... manage... me. Pam: Here we are outside- Andy: WB! Pam: #NAME? Andy: Industrial P.! Makin' cold calls. Pam: The two people with the lowest sales in the quarter have to do them. Andy: [singing] Where are you? Dean Trophies. Suite 100. Sherman Blinds and Rugs. Suite 202. Pam: Here it is. [Andy is still singing] Suite 401. Andy: Yeah. I was gonna sing that part. Pam: I know. Now you don't have to. Andy: Except it was going to resolve the melody, so now my head hurts. Feels like I held in a sneeze. Mmm! I hate this feeling. [sings] Suite 401. Michael: Alright. Hi. Any messages? Erin: You're soaking wet. Michael: Uh, well, Jim and I got caught in a little flash rain, flash wind, flash lightning. Phyllis: Wow. Sounds scary. Michael: It was. It was. And then in an instant it wasn't. Angela: Why isn't Jim wet? Jim: I outran it. Meredith: I don't think it rained. My hip would be throbbing. Michael: It rained. Dwight: Michael, can I get you something? A towel? Some cocoa? Michael: Nothing. Cocoa. Jim: I'll just leave that suit in your office then. Michael: Good. Yep. Secretary: Must be nice to have company on these cold calls. Andy: We're kind of a dynamic duo. Or trio. [points to Pam's tummy] Secretary: How exciting! Do you guys know the sex yet? Pam: [Andy shakes his head 'no'] Oh. No, no. [laughing] We're not together. No, no, no. Definitely not. Definitely not. No. We just work together. Andy: [miffed] Looks like somebody's got a case of the definitelies. Erin: [Michael is walking around in one of Jim's suits] Um, Michael? The custodian from Raskin Design is on the line. He said they found your keys in the Koi pond. Michael: Ok. Thank you. Stanley: Did you say 'Koi pond'? Michael: [phone rings] Yeah? Erin: Michael, people are asking questions. Michael: Ok. Put them on speaker. Hey guys, what's going on? Phyllis: Michael, did you you fall into a Koi pond? Michael: Uh... I can't really hear you. I think we have sort of a bad connection. Oscar: Jim, did Michael fall into a Koi pond? Jim: Mmm... it's like Michael said. It was some- something else. Michael: It was- Ok. This is what it was. It was these bunch of idiots who had put a fish tank in the ground with no cover and no railing. Angela: So you fell in? Michael: No. Maybe I was trying to save a child that had fallen in. Angela: So a child had fallen in? Michael: Not yet! Kevin: That is hilarious. [extends hand for a fist bump] Michael: No it is- don't! I'm not gonna bump. I'm not gonna bump. And it was not hilarious. It was very, very terrifying. [Stanley laughs] Jim: Truthfully, it wasn't the way he fell in. It was... how long it took him to get out. Pam: And we'd like to offer you 15% off your first purchase as our way of welcoming you to the area. Customer: Well that sounds like a really nice deal. Andy: Sha-bow. Customer: And I must say, that since we are a family business it is nice to see that you are, too. Andy: Oh, wow. You thought that- oh, my gosh. Oh. Definitely not. Customer: My mistake. Sorry. Pam: It's ok. Andy: Nuh. Actually, it's kinda not ok. Um, I date models. Face models. My girlfriend, on a scale of one to Giselle, uh... a nine. Customer: That- that's good for you. Pam: Anyway, we also have a special on envelopes. Andy: Pam's carrying our surrogate. Because my girlfriend needed to keep her figure for fashion week. So, we, uh, we put our baby in Pam. Doesn't matter what Pam looks like. Pam: Yeah. Pam: You were way meaner to me than I was to you. Andy: No I wasn't. Ok. The very idea of us together made you burst out laughing like you just bit into an Adam Sandler and jelly sandwich. Pam: You blew the sale, you idiot. Andy: Let me tell you something. I was never gonna make that sale. Michael: Erin, do we have any of those clips that hold paper together? Erin: Staples? [Kevin clears his throat] Uh, David Wallace called. Michael: Oh. He did? What did he say? Erin: He heard you made a big splash at the meeting. Oh, my God. That was so mean what I just said and I didn't mean it. It was Kevin and Meredith put me up to it. Michael: Ok. Kevin: [whispers to Erin] I'm gonna kill you. Stanley: Michael, don't listen to them. Michael: Thank you, Stanley. Stanley: You just ignore their carp. Michael: Ok. Dwight: Michael? Michael: Yes. Dwight: A carp is both a fish and a term for complaing. They're mocking you with wordplay. Creed: Hey, boss, did you find Nemo? Michael: I can name Pixar movies, too. Toy Story. Oscar: Don't you mean 'Koi Story'? Phyllis: And when you fell in, did you flounder? Dwight: Michael, flounder is both a kind of fish and - Michael: I know what a flounder is. Michael: I'm not usually the butt of the joke. I'm usually the face of the joke. I wish Jim had fallen into that pond and he'd have to put on my suit and it'd be too short and he'd look... Damn it! He'd still look good. Michael: The most fundamental thing about sensitivity training is that you cannot make fun of a person for something or some action that they have done that they regret. Show of hands- who has been 'Koi-ponded'? Who here's been the butt of a joke that has gone too far? Phyllis? Phyllis: Michael, you make fun of us every day. Michael: Uh... Kevin: Yeah. Every single day. Michael: You never said anything. Meredith: Uh, we have. Countless times. Michael: Well, it is hard to tell the difference between you guys saying, 'Stop because I want you to stop' or STOP as in 'Stop. You're making me laugh so hard. What you're doing is so funny. You are on a roll. I am busting a gut. Stop!' Angela: That's never the case. Michael: We are going to make a 'Do Not Mock' list. Ok? Anything that we think might be out of bounds, we put on this list. Anything you put on this list you cannot be teased about. Got it? I'm gonna kick it off. Let's see what I have to put on the list, right? [writes 'Koi pond' on the list] Ok. I also have fallen into the fountain at the Steamtown Mall. Ok. Who else? Who else? Dwight, come on. Dwight: I don't want people making fun of my nose. Michael: Your nose? Dwight: It's too small. Michael: Alright. Oscar: Oh my. That is small. Dwight: Just, write it down, please. Oscar: Can you breathe okay? Kelly: What keeps your glasses on? Dwight: Hey! It's on the list, everybody. Michael: No. I haven't finished writing. Did you sneeze it off? That's it. No more. Ok. Who else? Who else? Everybody's getting their chance. Kevin: I don't want people making fun of my weight. Michael: Ok. That's to broad. It's gotta be something else. How 'bout your stomach? Yeah? [writes Huge Gut] Meredith? Meredith: I don't want to say it out loud. Michael: Ok. Fine. Come on up here. Write it yourself. And don't sign your name to it. And nobody look. Everybody look away. Look away. Meredith: I really didn't want to put it on the board but I thought maybe it was gonna come out somehow so... what are you gonna do? [she writes 'sex with a terrorist'] Michael: Ok. Andy: That is our sales pitch and we are stickin' to it. Keena Gifford: Well, you two are quite the salesmen and a very cute couple. Andy: Well- Pam: Oh- [both look at each other and together say] Thank you. Keena Gifford: Some couples don't seem like a good match. You two do. Pam: Well, you know. Andy: Yeah. You know. Two peas in a pod. We complete each other. What can I say? She loves to cook- Pam: He loves to eat. Andy: I love to dance- Pam: I love to watch him dance. Andy: Right. Sometimes I'll just dance for hours in the living room- Pam: And I'll just watch him. Keena Gifford: And a baby on the way? You must be so excited. Pam: Yes. Andy: Yeah. We are thrilled. Pam: Mmm-hmm. Andy: In fact, we spent the whole weekend researching various birthing coaches. Wasn't that fun, honey? Pam: It was, sweetie. Keena Gifford: Oh. I know the best teacher. Her name is Miss Janet. Andy: Yeah. On Clearview Avenue. Keena Gifford: Yeah! Andy: Yeah. Angela: This sounds ridiculous, I know, but some people say that I eat like a squirrel. Phyllis: So now you're comparing yourself to a cute, tiny animal? Erin: Um, Michael? The custodian called again. Apparently a Koi has died. [everyone shows remorse] Michael: It's a fish. Erin: They want you to pay for it. Michael: It could've died of natural causes. So... Erin: Well, they said you stepped on it's head. He did not suffer. Oscar: When is the funeral? Michael: Do not mock, Oscar. Do not mock. How much do they want? Erin: $300.00 Michael: What? No. I could get a fish for a 5 cent worm. Creed: Oh, you're payin' way too much for your worms, man. Who's your worm guy? Jim: Ok. Great meeting, everybody. That's it. Michael: No, no. Dwight: Thank you. [everyone begins to leave] Michael: No. We are not done here. This- Andy: One of the baby books suggets the best birthing posture is on all fours, like an animal. I just wish I had a special telephone so I could find out exactly wht the little soy bean wants. Right? Hey, little soy bean. What do you want? Right. How do- It- I felt it kick! Keena Gifford: That's great! Andy: Oh, my gosh. Like a little magical foot just high-fived me. Pam: Yeah, well, that'll happen. Andy: Oh, my gosh. It's like he's trying to say, 'I love you, too, Daddy'. I love you, too. [leans over and kisses Pam's belly] Pam: Sometimes we're so excited we forget where we are. Like at a business meeting. Andy: Message received, little soy bean. Jim: I think you just gotta ride this one out, man. Michael: No, Jim. You don't understand. Things like this don't just die. Kids in high school still call me 'Ponytail'. Jim: No, they don't. Michael: Yes, they do, Jim. Because of the time I got my ponytail stuck in the power trail. Jim: Maybe if you make fun of yourself it'll all go away. Michael: I want to make fun of you right now. Jim: Really? Do it. I am a big, stupid goofball. Michael: No. Don't do that. You're not. You're not stupid. Jim: See? Michael: Oh, my God. Michael: Hey. I- I just wanna say that I cannot believe that I walked into a Koi pond. I mean, seriously. Walk much? [everyone starts laughing] Oh. I should wear a snorkel to the next business meeting that I go to. Phyllis: Michael. You know, when you think about it, it's not all your fault. I mean, who puts a Koi pond in a lobby? Michael: Well, you know what? You're right, Phyllis, but I've been there before. I've seen that pond. This is the thing, I am a world class moron. That's the problem. Dwight: Michael, please. Stop it now. You're embarrassing yourself. Michael: It's ok. We're having fun. It's not actually the first time I've been embarrassed by a pond. In high school, the girls volleyball team always used to hrow me into the frozen lake. Four years in a row. Oh... it was freezing. [Jim signals for making to stop] No. No. No. Oh, this is even worse. [Michael begins to lose his cool] Couple weeks ago I went to get a new cellphone and I wanted on of those packages where you have, you know, the friends- the five- the friends and family thing and the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. [realizing he's going downhill] Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'. Too far! God! Thanks a lot, man. Thanks for the advice. Kevin: [watching Angela eat something] Enjoying your nut? Oscar: Kevin. Angela: Why? Kevin: I'm not mocking. I was just making an observation about a nut. Angela: I was. Michael: Hey. Who wants to watch Michael's pond dive? My roommate's friend is the night janitor over there. He swiped the security tape for me and he's bringing it over. Jim: Mm... I'm, know what? Maybe we should go easy on Michael, guys. You know, you watch that tape and you're gonna have to stay late for more sensitity training, so... Kevin: We'll stay late. Andy: Well, that went pretty well. Pam: Yeah, I guess. Andy: We got a maybe. It was our first maybe. Going by the Nard Dog curve, I'd say we nailed it. Pam: If I'm being completely honest, I could've done without the belly kiss. Andy: You know what? I'm sorry. 'Cause in that moment I knew I was kissing your belly too much. Pam: Yeah. Way too much. Andy: Yeah. Pam: I mean, what the hell was that? Andy: What the heck was that? Pam: When you cried? Andy: Agh- try almost cried, ok? I just got caught up in the fantasy. Pam: You're fantsy involves comparison shopping birthing classes? Andy: No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss Janet. I just- I don't know. It was fun to role play, right? Pam: Hmm. Andy: I mean, it was fun for me. Having a wife and a little baby. Agh, I'm so sick of being single. Pam: Well, are you dating anyone? Andy: What do you think of Erin? I mean- she's- I- She's kinda cool. Pam: Ah. Andy: You think I can do better? Pam: Ah. Andy: Gotta get my goin' out on. Meredith: Hey, let's watch this thing. Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ok. Yeah. We're not watchin' this. Oscar: How can we not watch this? Jim: What happened to 'Do Not Mock'? Phyllis: We're not mocking, we're watching. Jim: That will inevitably lead to mocking. So... Phyllis: Well, we'll deal with it as it comes. Michael: Is this the tape of me falling? Phyllis: Yes. Put the DVD in. Kevin: Open QuickTime. Oscar: It starts on it's own. Let it - Kevin: No! Use QuickTime. Trust me. I've done this. Jim: Guys. Michael can't handle this and as your boss I'm saying we're not watching it. Michael: No. It's ok. Watch it. He can't fire all of you. Jim: What are you doing? Michael: It's alright. I can handle it. Jim: No. Michael: I am a grown-up, Jim. Meredith: Shh. It's on. Kevin: Here they come. [everyone reacts to seeing Michael fall in] Boom! Oscar: Oh. Did - did you see that? Jim: See what? Angela: Why'd you stop it? Jim: Oscar, yes. You're right to stop it. Thank you. Eject it. Oscar: Jim, you let Michael fall in. Dwight: Play it again. [everyone has the same reaction as before] He purposefully leaned away and let you fall in. Jim: Oh... man. I thinke when I started to see you go in I think I just froze. Michael: I don't think you froze. Jim: It's a killer new dance move. [re-enacts leaning back] Do you wanna talk in your office? Angela: No. Jim: I didn't ask you. [back to Michael] Would you like to talk? [walks away] Dwight: Judas. Dwight: Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But... because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy. So, actually Jim is my enemy. But- Jim: I should've grabbed you. I'm sorry. Look, I thought I could've done today's sales call alone. I mean, I may never be as good a salesman as you are, but I at least need the chance to do the job. Michael: Jim is jealous of me? Jim is jealous of me. Meredith: [as Jim enters the kitchen] Hey, what's up lifeguard? Oscar: Jim, I think I'm in your way. [leans back - they both exit] Michael: Oscar's a douche. Jim: [laughing] He's alright. Michael: No. He's a- yeah, he's alright. Ok. [holds door open as they exit] Jim: Thanks Michael. Michael: You're welcome. Whoa! [leans back] Almost fell. [they both laugh] Pam: Hey, Erin. Do you mind faxing this for me? Erin: Oh, sure. Oh, wait. Hand them to me upside down so I don't accidentally read them. Pam: Ok. Erin: Thanks. Pam: Mmm-hmm. Erin: How did today go, by the way? Did you make any sales? Pam: No. It was a total waste of time. Um... it was fun, though, because I got to spend the day with Andy Bernard. He's really cool. Erin: Yeah, he is! Pam: Yeah, he is. Erin: He's, like, the coolest person I've ever met. Pam: That's... right. He's like Marlon Brando. Erin: Oh. Do you mean Marlon Wayans? 'Cause he is. Pam: I actually do mean Marlon Wayan. Yeah.
Sisko: Anything yet? O'Brien: She'll be here any minute. Running a little late. Sisko: This is no way to start a relationship. Bashir: Hi, Ezri. Ezri: So, how's Odo? Bashir: Oh, his body shows no signs of the changeling disease. I believe he's cured. Ezri: Oh, that's great. Bashir: Yes. In fact I'm going to diskharge him this afternoon. Ezri: That's, that's really great. Bashir: Yeah. O'Brien: I don't get it. He's interested, she's interested. What's the problem? Worf: He is an overgrown child and she is very confused. O'Brien: It could still work. She's here. Sisko: On screen. Ezri: I didn't know we were getting another Defiant class ship. Sisko: That's what happens when you miss staff meetings. O'Brien: Looks just like her. Sisko: Let's hope she fights like her. Ross: All hands, attention to orders. From Starfleet Headquarters, Office of the Admiralty, to Captain Benjamin L. Sisko. As of this date, you are requested and required to take command of USS Sao Paulo. Signed, Vice Admiral William J. Ross, Stardate 52861.3. Computer, transfer all command codes to Captain Sisko. Computer: Command codes transferred. Sisko: I relieve you, sir. Ross: I stand relieved. She's all yours, Ben. You've got a fine ship here. Sisko: She has some big shoes to fill. Bashir: I hate the carpet. I do. Ross: Oh, by the way, there's something else on that PADD that might interest you. Sisko: Special dispensation from the Chief of Starfleet Operations to change the name from Sao Paulo to Defiant. O'Brien: Yeah, the Breen are going to be in for a surprise when they train their energy dampening weapon on this beauty, huh? Worf: The shield generators have been completely reconfigured. O'Brien: Let's go look. Bashir: You know what, I want to check out my sickbay. Ezri: Well, I'll let you two get acquainted. Sisko: Hello, ship. Garak: Cardassia. It's as beautiful as I remembered. Damar: It won't be beautiful to my eyes until the Dominion is gone. Seskal: Orbital traffic control is asking for our security clearance. Garak: I'll handle it. Kira: We're taking a big risk coming here. I hope it's worth it. Damar: Gul Revok and Legate Goris are ready to bring their troops over to our side. That's over a half a million men. If we can convince Gul Seltan to join us as well, we'll have another hundred thousand. I think that is worth the risk. Kira: And you're sure you want me around? Damar: Before they join us, they'll want assurances that the Federation will support them. Garak: We've been cleared for standard orbit. Damar: Do you have transport coordinates? Seskal: Yes. The transporter room is standing by. Damar: The bridge is yours, Seskal. Seskal: Good luck. Voices: There he is! Is that all of them? Yes, sir! Check the other side of the cave. Inform the First that we have killed all the traitors. Yes, sir Garak: How did they know? Revok: What do we have here? I told them I could lure them here for you. Damar: Gul Revok. He betrayed us. Kira: Kira to Seskal. Get us out of here. Seskal: We're under attack! I can't lower the shields. Lock disruptors and return fire! Transfer the auxiliary power to Kira: Seskal? Seskal? Seskal? Seskal, do you read me? Garak: I don't think they're up there anymore. Kira: We've got to get out of here. Damar, do you know any place we can go? Damar: Everyone I know on Cardassia has either been arrested or killed. Garak: I think I know someone who might take us in. That is, if we can get to the capital. Kira: We can't stay here. Mila: If you don't mind hiding in a basement, I guess I don't mind having you down here. I don't hear from you for years, and then you show up on my doorstep with these people. Garak: I do apologize for the intrusion, but you're the only person on Cardassia I could trust. Mila: Well don't blame me if you don't have any friends left. Well now, where's that light switch. Garak: It's smaller than I remember. I grew up in this house. Did I mention that? Damar: I thought you said Enabran Tain used to live here. Mila: Tain was Garak's father. Garak: He was unable to acknowledge it publicly because he was head of the Obsidian Order. Mila was our housekeeper and most trusted confidante. Mila: I was never much of a cook, but I knew how to keep a secret. Kira: We need to contact the other resistance cells and warn them about Revok. Is there any way you can get us a comm. unit? Garak: If it's not too much of an imposition. Mila: You shouldn't be involved in this. Damar: We're attempting to free our people. Do you want to live under the Dominion for the rest of your life? Mila: I'm an old woman. I'm long past caring about such things. But I'll get you your comm. unit. Garak: Mila. Thank you. I promise we won't stay long. Mila: Well, you might as well make yourselves useful. This place hasn't been cleaned in years. Kira: You heard the lady. Garak: The glamor of being a revolutionary. Bashir: Well, everything checks out fine. I'm certifying you fit for duty. Odo: Finally. The last time I spoke with Kira, she wanted to know when I'd be rejoining her. Bashir: Odo, there is something you need to know. When I first diskovered that you'd become infected with the morphogenic virus, I assumed you'd contracted it from the Founders. Odo: Didn't I? Bashir: No. The fact is, it was you who transmitted the disease to them. Odo: But how did I get it? Bashir: You were deliberately infected. Odo: By whom? Bashir: Section Thirty One. They used you as a carrier, hoping you would pass on the disease to the Founders. I'm sure you were never meant to develop symptoms. Odo: I don't care whether they meant to kill me or not. The reality is the Federation set out to destroy my people. Bashir: Section Thirty One aren't part of the Federation> They're a rogue organization that Odo: Don't split hairs with me, Doctor. They used me as an instrument to try to commit genocide. Now we may be at war with the Founders, but that's no excuse. Bashir: I completely agree. Odo: And what does Starfleet intend to do about it? Sisko: The Federation Council considered giving the Founders the cure, then they decided against it. Odo: Then they're abetting genocide. Sisko: I don't condone what Section Thirty One did, but the Founders started this war, not us. Giving them the cure would strengthen their hand. We can't do that. Not when there are still millions of men and women out there putting their lives on the line every day. Odo: Well, I can see there's no point protesting. The decision's been made. Sisko: Odo, I wish I didn't have to say this, but I need to know you're not going to take matters into your own hands. Odo: You have my word. Sisko: That's all I needed to hear. Odo: Interesting, isn't it? The Federation claims to abhor Section Thirty One's tactics, but when they need the dirty work done, they look the other way. It's a tidy little arrangement, wouldn't you say? Rom: Go ahead. What have you got to lose? Leeta: Our jobs. M'Pella: Let's do it. At this point, I don't care if he fires me. Rom: That's the spirit. Remember, ask for ten percent, but settle for fifteen. Leeta: Okay. M'Pella: Quark, we have something to say. Quark: Then say it. Leeta: We don't think we should have to give you twenty percent of our tips. Quark: Uh hmm. Leeta: We think ten percent is more than fair and we're not going back to work until this is settled. Quark: Ten percent? Broik: Quark, there's an incoming transmission from Ferenginar. It's the Grand Nagus! Quark: I'll take it in the back. Leeta: Well? Quark: I'll think about it. Rom: What'd he say? Leeta: He's going to think about it! Zek: Is that you, ? Quark: It's me. Zek: I can barely see you. Quark: It's the static. Zek: Sorry about the static. It's raining here. Quark: It's always raining there. Zek: Not this kind of rain. There was an accident at the power plant. The contractor used substandard relays, the greedy bastard. There's a toxic electrostatic cloud hanging over the city. What a frigging mess. Quark: So, to what do I owe the pleasure? Zek: The pressure? That's an ungrateful thing . I'm not pressuring you. Quark: No, the pleasure. Zek: You're not making any sense. Now shut up and listen. I'm retiring. Your mother and I are moving to Risa to enjoy our old age and do a lot of , if you know what I mean. Quark: Good for you, I guess. Zek: I'll be coming to Deep Space Nine to name my successor. Quark: Why here? Zek: Why do you think? Quark: To get away from the rain? Zek: No, my boy. I've chosen you to succeed me. You're going to be the new Grand Nagus! Congratulations, ! Ezri: Whoa! Bashir: Oh, sorry. Ezri: I'm sorry. Bashir: I'm sorry, really. Hi. Ezri: Hi. Bashir: Your lunch? Ezri: It's that time. Bashir: This is ridiculous. Ezri: I know. Bashir: Listen, I've been meaning to tell you Ezri: I have a confession. You go first. Bashir: No, it's all right. Ezri: No, really, Julian. You go first. Bashir: Okay. You know how much I value our friendship. Bashir: Well, lately I've been wondering if maybe we could be Ezri: Something more? Bashir: Yes. Exactly. Ezri: I've been wondering the same thing. Bashir: Oh, I thought it was just me. Ezri: Me too. Bashir: That's why I've been so awkward around you. Ezri: I've been trying to tell you, but every time I just couldn't get the words out. Bashir: I know. What is that? I mean, I'm not usually like this. If I find someone attractive, I just, I just tell them. I don't play these ridiculous games. Ezri: Neither do I. You know why we might be holding back? The friendship. Bashir: You're right. Why jeopardize our friendship by trying to turn this into something else? Ezri: I've made that mistake before. Bashir: Yes, and once you cross the line Ezri: You can never go back. Bashir: And if it doesn't work out, you can never be friends again. Ezri: I can't bear the thought of losing you as a friend. Bashir: Neither can I. So that's that. Ezri: We've figured it out. You know, it takes a certain maturity to not be swept away by the romantic fantasy. Bashir: That's right. Why let physical attraction overcome good sense? Ezri: Chemistry isn't everything. Bashir: Absolutely not. We're adults. Ezri: I think we should be proud of ourselves. Bashir: So do I. I feel much better. Friends? Ezri: Friends. Quark: Just think. This time next week I'll be living in the Nagal Residence. Nog: They say even the waste extraction fixtures are plated with latinum. Quark: That's right. Oh, the first thing I'm going to do is rip them out and replace them with solid latinum fixtures. Leeta: That's a little indulgent, don't you think? Quark: Of course, that's the point. A Nagus has to lead by example. My greed has to be a shining light to everyone. A testament to the rewards of avarice. M'Pella: I hope you're not going to be lonely in that great, big Nagal Residence. Quark: I've got a room picked out for you already, my dear. With a view of the Tower of Commerce. And there'll be a place for my dear brother, my brave nephew, my lovely sister-in-law. Rom: Liquidator Brunt. Quark: Not him. Rom: No, he's here. Quark: What brings you this time, Brunt? Brunt: Ferenginar is rife with rumors. They say the Grand Nagus is coming to DS Nine to name his successor. Quark: For once, the rumors are right. Brunt: I see. Brunt: A thousand congratulations, my Nagus! Nog: He's not Nagus yet. Brunt: It's never too early to suck up to the boss. Quark: I think I'm going to like being Nagus. Don't stop. Weyoun: And thanks to the heroic efforts of Gul Revok, Damar was lured to Cardassia to meet with five other traitors. But his co-conspirators were killed before they could begin plotting against the people of Cardassia. And Damar himself was killed while trying to penetrate our defense perimeters in a stolen Dominion vessel. Kira: At least they're not looking for us. Weyoun: I'm also pleased to report that just hours ago, acting on information obtained by our intelligence operatives, our brave troops began a coordinated assault on Damar's terrorist bases. From Atbar Prime to Regulak Four, from Simperia to Quinor Seven, our forces have eliminated a total of eighteen rebel bases. Damar: All eighteen. Weyoun: With the rebellion crushed, nothing can impede our march to final victory. Truly, this is a great day for the Dominion. Damar: How could they have compromised our entire organization? We took every precaution, encrypted every transmission, screened every recruit Kira: It doesn't matter how they did it! It's done! Now, we've got to find a way to get off Cardassia. Garak, can we use that thing to contact the Federation? Garak: With a signal that strong the Dominion would trace our location in a matter of seconds. Kira: Well, we've got to do something! We are not spending the rest of the war in this cellar, are we! Are we? Quark: Financial advisor? I don't know. Brunt: I do have lots of connections on Ferenginar. Quark: I don't need your connections. As Nagus, people will be lining up to do business with me. You missed a spot. Brunt: I'm sure there must be something I can do to change your mind. Quark: Possibly. Brunt: Would forty bricks of gold pressed latinum do the trick? Quark: No. But seventy would. Brunt: Fifty. Quark: Sixty. Brunt: Done. If you'll sign this. Quark: What is it? Brunt: A receipt. Quark: For a bribe? Brunt: Surely you're aware of the new regulation making all bribes tax deductible. Quark: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you just use the T word? Brunt: You mean tax? Quark: Are you telling me there are T's on Ferenginar? Brunt: You haven't been keeping up with the latest reforms, have you? Zek instituted progressive income tax three months ago. Quark: You call that a reform? Taxs go against the very spirit of free enterprise. That's why they call it free. Brunt: The government needed revenues to fund the new social programs. Wage subsidies for the poor, retirement benefits for the aged, health care for Quark: Stop, stop, stop! I had no idea things had gotten so bad. This is all Moogie's fault. She's been polluting Zek's mind with notions of equality and compassion. Whatever happened to survival of the fittest? Whatever happened to the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer? Whatever happened to pure, unadulterated greed? Brunt: Things change. Quark: And they're going to change back. The first thing I'm going to do is eliminate these so called reforms, before Ferenginar ends up looking like a Federation planet. Brunt: Oh, I'm not sure the Congress of Economic Advisors will approve. Quark: I don't care who they are or what they are. As Nagus, I can do what I want. Brunt: Not anymore. All regulations proposed by the Nagus have to be ratified by the Congress before they become law. You'll still be a powerful man. I wouldn't be sucking up to you otherwise. Quark: Blessed Exchequer, forgive us. Tour children have gone astray. Mila: If only they could see you now. Garak: Who? Mila: People in the street. Everyone's talking about Damar and his rebels. Kira: What are they saying? How stupid we were for walking into a Dominion trap? Damar: How arrogant we were to think we could beat them in the first place? Garak: How glad they are that we're dead? Mila: Actually, they don't really believe you are dead. Oh, you should hear the stories. Damar is alive. My cousin saw him on Kelvas Prime. He faked his own death. He is plotting a new offensive from his secret mountain hideaway. Garak: You never told me you had a secret mountain hideaway. Damar: I was going to surprise you. Kira: I wonder why they refuse to believe you're dead? Damar: Oh, they've been lied to so often, they don't trust anything the Dominion says. Kira: What if it's more than that? What if we had more of an impact than we realized? What if we turned you into a legend? Damar: Some legend. Kira: Don't you see? People want to believe in you. We can use that. Yes, the organized resistance is gone, but there's an entire civilian population out there that is fed up with living under the occupation. And if Damar, the man they couldn't kill, tells the people of Cardassia to rise up against the Dominion Garak: Then we might have a revolution on our hands. Mila: Or you might really get yourselves killed. Damar: Anything's better than rotting in this cellar. How do we begin? Kira: Where's the closest Jem'Hadar barracks? Founder: Come in. Weyoun: Allow me to present Gul, no, I'm sorry, Legate Broca, the new leader of the Cardassian Union. Broca: I serve the Founders in all things. Founder: Your service is noted. Broca: Thot Pran, I look forward to working with you and the Breen Confederacy. Weyoun: Your first task will be to make a formal address to the Cardassian people, assuring them that the Dominion has their best interests at Founder: That can wait. Weyoun: But it can wait. Founder: Now that the rebellion has been crushed, it is time to turn our attention to strategic matters. The enemy has devised a countermeasure to our energy-dampening weapons. Therefore we must alter our tactics. We're falling back. Founder: No, I don't mean surrender. Weyoun: Perish the thought. The Dominion has never surrendered in battles since its founding ten thousand years ago. Founder: I am ordering our troops to retreat to Cardassian space. We will establish a new line of defense along this perimeter. With less territory to defend, we can concentrate our troops and hold off any attack if the enemy attacks at all. Weyoun: The Federation is by its very nature timid. When they see we've pulled back, their first impulse will be to leave us alone. Broca: But what about the Klingons and the Romulans and I meant no disrespect. I was simply asking a question. Weyoun: Without the Federation, the others are no threat to us. Founder: Once the new perimeter is established, we will redouble our shipbuilding efforts and increase production of Jem'Hadar troops. Retreat may prolong the war, but in the end, we will emerge stronger, and in a far better position to take the Alpha Quadrant once and for all. Quark: Did you know this Congress of Economic Meddlers actually passed legislation making monopolies illegal? What's the point of being in business if you can't corner the market and gouge your customers? Rom: There's something to be said for keeping prices down by ensuring healthy competition. So what are you going to do with the bar? Quark: You can't even dump industrial waste anymore because it might harm the natural habitat. I'm supposed to start worrying about animals now? Look how they live, wallowing in dirt, sleeping in trees. That's not natural. Rom: I suppose you could argue that Ferenginar's biodiversity is a precious resource that belongs to everyone. So, what are you going to do with the bar? Quark: And don't even get me started about this whole labor rights thing. What have we come to if you can't demand sexual favors from people in your employ? Rom: Unharassed workers are productive workers. So, what are you going to do with the bar? Quark: Sell it. What would I want with it anymore? Rom: I'll give you five thousand bars of latinum and not one slip more. Quark: That's reasonable. Rom: It is? Quark: I'm telling you, Rom, our people have lost their way. Rom: I just happen to have a contract right here. Quark: I read a report that over forty percent of the population no longer believes that you have to buy your way into the Divine Treasury when you die. Rom: Can I have your thumbprint here, please? Quark: They don't teach children the Rules of Acquisition anymore. Rom: And another print here. Quark: There's a disease spreading through Ferengi society. It's making us soft. Rom: The five thousand has been transferred to your account. It was a pleasure doing business with you. Quark: Five thousand? Rom: I thought you were going to hold me up for at least eight. Quark: I didn't even haggle with you. Rom: I know. It really threw me off. Quark: What's wrong with me? Rom: Don't worry, brother. You're going to be so rich, what's a few thousand bars of latinum? Quark: I've been infected, too. I haven't raised prices in months. I've even been considering letting the dabo girls keep most of their tips. I've gone soft! Rom: I kind of like you better this way. Quark: I don't. And I'm going to do something about it. This disease has got to be stopped before it destroys everything Ferenginar stands for. If Zek wants me to be Nagus, he's going to have to let me do things my way. Or else, I'll turn down the job! Rom: Are you serious? Quark: You bet I am. Rom: But being Nagus will make you rich. Quark: I don't care. I won't preside over the demise of Ferengi civilisation. Not me. The line has to be drawn here. This far and no further! Kira: He's been in there too long. Something's wrong. Jem'Hadar: You there. Stop. Let me see your work order. Garak: But I showed it to you on the way in. Jem'Hadar: This has not been approved by the First. Garak: Ah. Yes. I can explain that. Damar: How much time? Kira: The detonator only had a three minute delay. The bomb could go off any second now. Damar: Come on, Garak. Kira: We have to do something. Garak: I don't know why you're making such a fuss over this. I have a busy repair schedule and I can't stand here all night arguing with Jem'Hadar: You will wait here until the First arrives. Garak: And how long will that be? Jem'Hadar: You will wait. Damar: You! Jem'Hadar! Who are you to treat a Cardassian citizen like that? Jem'Hadar: It's him. Damar. Hold him here. Surrender yourself or die. Damar: I choose neither. Damar: Get back! Get back! Lonar: It's Damar. It's Damar! He's alive! Damar: Citizens of Cardassia, hear me! The Dominion told you that the Rebellion has been crushed. What you have seen here today proves that that is yet another lie. Our fight for freedom continues, but it will take place here, in the streets. I call on Cardassians everywhere to rise up. Rise up and join me. I need you to be my army. If we stand together, nothing can oppose us. Freedom is ours for the taking! Garak: Freedom! Lonar: Freedom! Crowd: Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Bashir: Good morning. Ezri: Good morning. Ezri: What are you smiling at? Bashir: You know, I was thinking. If it hadn't been for our little talk the other day, we'd probably be just standing here staring at our shoes. Ezri: Not a chance. I'd have turned and walked the other way as soon as I saw you. Bashir: I'm glad we've put it all behind us. Ezri: Me too. Bashir: Excuse me. O'Brien: I guess they worked it out. Brunt: It always brings a tear to my eye to see a Nagus pass his staff to his successor. It's a privilege to witness such a historic moment. Quark: Just wait and see. It's going to be more historic than you think. Leeta: They're here! Zek: There you are, my boy! I have something for you. Quark: Not so fast, Zek. We need to talk. Ishka: I knew you were going to make this difficult. Zek: My mind is made up, Quark. Whining and complaining won't do anything. Quark: I won't have anything to do with you're doing to our once proud civilisation. A man can only be pushed so far. If you want me to be Nagus, you're going to have to let me do things my way. Ishka: Who wants you to be Nagus? Zek: Out of the way, Quark. Congratulations, Rom. You're going to make a fine Nagus. Rom: I am? Zek: What's wrong? You seemed so happy when I talked to you the other day. Rom: I did? Quark: That was me! Zek: You? Ew. I thought I was talking to Rom. It must've been all the static. Glad we cleared that up. Quark: This is insane. You actually want Rom to be Nagus? Ishka: It was my idea. Quark: Figures. He's an idiot. Ishka: You've always underestimated your brother. Zek: Shh. A new Ferenginar needs a new kind of Nagus. A kinder, gentler Nagus. And that's you, my boy. It's a great responsibility to stand at the bow of the Ferengi ship of state. A Nagus has to navigate the waters of the Great Material Continuum, avoid the shoals of bankruptcy and seek the strong winds of prosperity. Rom: I'll do the best I can. Brunt: May I be the first to offer my congratulations. Leeta: Oh, Rom! Nog: Way to go, Dad! Quark: All right, you want Rom? You can have him. In fact, you deserve him. He's perfect for this new worker's paradise of yours! He can save the environment and levy all the taxs he wants. Zek: He's not taking it very well. Quark: In fact, as far as I'm concerned, the Ferenginar that I knew doesn't exist anymore. No, I take that back. It will exist. Right here in this bar. This establishment will be the last outpost of what made Ferenginar great. The unrelenting lust for profit. Broik, water the drinks! M'Pella, rig the dabo table! Rom, I want to buy back the bar. Rom: That's all right, brother, I'll give it to you. Quark: I suppose you're going to let me keep the five thousand bars of latinum too. Rom: You're my brother. Quark: And you're an idiot. But I love you. Congratulations. You're the perfect Nagus for this new Ferenginar. Zek: Are you sure we picked the right brother? Ishka: Come, my dear. Risa's waiting. Zek: Good luck, kid. You're going to need it. Ishka: I'm proud of you, son. Let's go, Zekkie. Rom: You know, I could use a financial advisor. Quark: No kidding. But it's not going to be me. This Ferengi belongs right here. Brunt: I know someone who's available Rom: Forget it! Quark: Not so hasty. Let him give you a pedicure first. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to work. There's money to be made. Brunt: How can I serve you, my Rom: Wow. Ross: According to our intelligence reports, the Dominion has withdrawn completely from Klingon, Federation and Romulan space. They seem to be forming a new defensive perimeter within Cardassian territory. Velal: They must know we've developed a countermeasure to the Breen weapon. Sisko: That would be my guess. Martok: There are advantages to falling back. They shorten their own supply lines while forcing us to lengthen ours. Ross: And with a smaller perimeter they're less vulnerable to hit and run attacks. It would take a major offensive to break through their lines. Velal: At a cost of thousands of ships. The wiser course would be to simply contain them within their perimeter. Sisko: That's what they're hoping we'll do, give them time to rebuild their forces. Martok: He's right. We have them on the defensive. We should hit them with everything we've got. Ross: Break through that line would be a very ugly, very bloody job. Sisko: If we do nothing, the Dominion could sit behind that perimeter for the next five years rearming themselves. And when they're ready to come out, God help us all. Martok: The Klingon Empire votes to attack now before they have time to recover. Ross: Considering the alternatives, I'm afraid I have to concur. Velal: Very well. Sisko: Then it's settled. We attack. Sisko: You're up late. You were waiting for me? What's wrong? Kasidy: I'm pregnant. Sisko: Are you sure? Kasidy: Of course I'm sure. Sisko: Oh, baby, I didn't mean. A baby. You and me. Wow. Kasidy: Surprise. Sisko: Surprise is right. How did? You? Kasidy: One of us Sisko: One of us Kasidy: Forgot our injection last month. Sisko: Julian reminded me of that. It's just that the way things been going on Kasidy: You don't have to apologize. Sisko: I'm not. Are you kidding? This, this is wonderful. Kasidy: I'm glad you think so. Sisko: But you don't? Kasidy: I just keep thinking about the Prophets. They warned you that marrying me would bring you sorrow. Sisko: Kasidy, we have been through this. Kasidy: I know we have. And I know that we said we wouldn't let the Prophets run our lives. But that was, that was before this. What if they were trying to tell you something? That something may happen to my baby? Sisko: Shh. Nothing is going to happen to our baby. Kasidy: Are you sure? Sisko: I am the Emissary of the Prophets and I know that nothing is going to happen. Everything is going to be all right. Kasidy: I hope you're right. Sisko: We're going to have a baby. Kasidy: A baby.
Namon: Don't move. Brone: What's this? Namon: We found him in the trunks, a hundred footfalls past Grove Yellow. Brone: Arms? Namon: None, sir. Brone: These colors? Namon: We didn't ask. Brone: He's no Krady beast, is he? Namon: No, sir, but he doesn't bear Vori colors either. Brone: Hmm. His glimpse is too tame to be a Kradin. Namon: I hadn't fathomed that, sir. Brone: Well, fathom it now. He's no nemesis, is he? Namon: I'm not certain what he is, sir. Brone: Weren't you drilled to fathom the nemesis? Namon: Yes, sir. Brone: And we abhor none but the nemesis, do we? Namon: No, sir. None but the nemesis! Brone: Then set him loose. Didn't you hear, Novice? Chakotay: Thanks. Brone: Go take provisions. Namon: I'm sorry, sir. Brone: Go. Chakotay: I take it you're in charge here. Brone: Team Leader Brone, Fourth Vori Defense Contingent. Chakotay: Commander Chakotay of the starship Voyager. Brone: I'm very sorry for my defenders. They're new to the clash and glimpse the nemesis all around them. Chakotay: The clash. You're at war? Brone: You've strayed into the fullness of it. Chakotay: That explains why my shuttle came under fire. Brone: One of my defenders glimpsed a vessel falling in Grove Yellow. It must have been yours. Why fly so close to this sphere? Chakotay: I was on a survey mission. I picked up traces of omicron radiation in your atmosphere so I slowed down to take a look. As soon as I did that, I came under attack. I lost helm control and had to make an emergency transport to the surface. Brone: It'll be the Kradin that fired at you. Chakotay: The Kradin? Brone: Our nemesis. Chakotay: I see. Well, I tried to explain that I had no hostile intentions, but they just kept shooting. Brone: The nemesis crave supremacy in the air. They fire on any craft that doesn't show Kradin colors. Chakotay: I tried to contact my ship but my communicator's not working. Brone: All dispatching in the clash zone has been suppressed. Chakotay: I have to find my vessel. Maybe it's salvageable. Brone: That's little likely. We're ordered to cluster with the Seventh Contingent two new lights from now. They'll have means to signal your people. You can make the walk with us to meet them. Chakotay: I appreciate the offer, but I can't wait two days. I have to find my vessel now. Brone: It wouldn't be sharp to return to the trunks. The nemesis is everywhere there. Chakotay: Then I'll have to do my best to steer clear of them. Brone: If your tactic won't change. Chakotay: It won't. Brone: It's sharper to wait for the new light. Chakotay: Then I'll take your advice and wait. Rafin: Provisions? It's not so savory. Chakotay: Thanks. I'm sure it'll be fine. Rafin: They call me Rafin. Chakotay: Chakotay. Pleased to meet you. Rafin: In the trunks, did you glimpse any? Chakotay: Any what? Rafin: Krady beasts. Chakotay: No, I didn't. Namon: Rafin's never glimpsed the face of the nemesis either. Have you, Rafin? Rafin: No. It's my first walk in the clash zone. Namon: You'll glimpse them in the soon after. When you do, you'll fathom there's no heart thumping beneath their flesh. How many beasts will you send to the Wayafter, Rafin? Rafin: I couldn't say. Namon: Me, I'll nullify one for each brother and cousin that I've lost. And then one more after. True or not, my allies? All: True. Namon: So I ask you again, Rafin. How many will you nullify? Rafin: As many as I'm able. Namon: You've got the trembles. If you don't wrestle your trembles to rages, ally, the nemesis'll nullify you. Chakotay: This nemesis of yours. Why do you call them beasts? Rafin: It's told they all wear the same horrid face. Their flesh is gnarled and blistery like the rotting trunks. Their glimpses flame like fire, And if you dare near enough, their breath stinks of muck. Chakotay: You know, sometimes people say terrible things about their enemies to make them seem worse than they really are. There might be some young Kradin soldier out there who's more afraid of you than you are of him. Rafin: The nemesis wasn't scared to fume my village, nor scared to nullify my cousins and brothers in their sleep. And my old mother's mother, too, who never told an unkind word nor nullified an insect in all her days and nights on this sphere. Chakotay: That's pretty rough. Rafin: And who but a Krady beast would leave the nullified bodies of mine and ours upturned, so they'll never descend to the gloried Wayafter? Chakotay: What do you mean by upturned? Brone: Which of you will walk with Chakotay to find his craft when the new light comes? Chakotay: I appreciate the offer, but I'll be fine on my own. l Brone: You don't fathom the trunks and you don't carry arms. One of my defenders will walk with you. Which will it be? You, Rafin. Rafin: Sir, I, I Namon: I'll walk with the stranger, sir. If any beast comes to clash, I'll nullify the beast. Brone: Well told, Namon. Now close your glimpses, defenders, and dream of your sisters and mothers. Namon: Have you never nullified another, stranger? Chakotay: Killing's the worst thing I've ever had to do. Namon: Then the nemesis you nullified wasn't half so beastly as the Kradin. Chakotay: Maybe not. Namon: In their glimpsers, we're less than nothing. They flame our homes, take our plantings, make playthings of our sisters. If you were a Vori you'd crave to drive them from this sphere just as I do. Chakotay: Maybe I would, if they did things like that to the people I loved. But on the sphere I come from we try to find other ways to resolve differences. Peaceful solutions, Negotiations. Namon: You don't fathom the nemesis. Chakotay: No. I suppose I don't. Namon: Beg the power you believe in that you never will. The light will be old soon. We'd be sharp to cluster with the others. Chakotay: In a few minutes. We should be getting close. Namon: You'd be sharp to do my tellings. Chakotay: Go back if you want to. I've got to keep looking. Namon: No, wait. I pledged to walk with you. Glimpse there. Chakotay: It doesn't look like there's much left of my shuttle. Namon: You'll have to make the walk with us to the Seventh Contingent. Chakotay: Don't make me kill you. Chakotay: How is he? Rafin: Nullified. Brone: We beg peace from the Power who made us Vori, and we commend our brother, Namon, to the gloried Wayafter. Chakotay: What's this? Brone: Namon's coverings. Chakotay: Shouldn't they go to his family or someone he was close to? Brone: It's a long walk to the cluster mark. It's sharper to blend with the trunks. Your fleet colors will get us all nullified. Chakotay: I'm sorry about what happened to Namon. Brone: The nemesis has nullified mine and ours in the before, and will in the now. But in the soonafter, we'll send them flying from this sphere and go back to our sisters and mothers. Brone: Take it. Chakotay: This isn't my war. I'm not planning to shoot anybody. Brone: If we greet the nemesis in the trunks, you'll fire like the rest. As long as you're with us, you do my tellings. Fathom? Chakotay: Fathom. Brone: Rafin. Rafin: Yes, sir. Brone: Drill Chakotay to fire Vori arms. Rafin: Now you. Your glimpse is too low. With these arms it's sharper to aim higher than the mark. Chakotay: You're good. Rafin: Don't mock me. Chakotay: I was paying you a compliment. Rafin: It is one matter to fire at clay marks, but much another to nullify the nemesis. That's what Namon told, and he told the truth before he went to the gloried Wayafter. Chakotay: He was right. Killing's not easy. Rafin: Risking my own days and nights to drive the nemesis from our sphere. That should be as easy as a long sleep. Chakotay: Who told you that? Rafin: My brothers and uncles who were in the clash. Brone my driller. And Namon, my ally, who was nullified because of me. Chakotay: You think it's your fault that Namon died? Rafin: If I didn't have the coward's trembles, I would have walked with you in the trunks. And it would be me and not he who went to the Wayafter. Chakotay: You weren't the one who pulled the trigger, Rafin. And there's no shame in being afraid of fighting. Having the trembles is natural. Rafin: How do you fathom that? Chakotay: Because I've been in battle before, fighting to free my people from a nemesis called the Cardassians. Rafin: These Cardassians, were they beasts? Chakotay: Let's just say they weren't very friendly. The point is, even though I believed in what we were doing, I always felt fear before a fight. Rafin: But you wrestled your trembles to rages, didn't you? Chakotay: I guess I did, but that doesn't mean Rafin: I was told to drill you, Chakotay. But it's you who've drilled me. Drilled me to fathom the rages. Chakotay: Brone. Brone: What is it? Chakotay: I don't know. Brone: Neck-strapped and upturned. Left to be cooked by the glare. Chakotay: He's one of yours? Brone: By his coverings he's of the Seventh Contingent. Likely a scout walker. Chakotay: Desecrated by the Kradin. Rafin: He'll never turn his face to the Wayafter. Brone: We're three hundred footfalls from the cluster mark. Signal the Seventh. Again. Rafin: Why don't they answer? Chakotay: Is it possible they moved their camp for some reason? Brone: Little likely. You two, fast walk to the cluster mark and glimpse what you can. Rafin: Sir. Brone: What? Rafin: Let me go. Brone: Well told, Novice. Keep the talk low and your glimpse wide. Rafin: Sir. Brone: What have you glimpsed? Rafin: The Seventh Contingent, sir. Nullified. Brone: What, all of them? Rafin: At least twenty defenders. And that's not the whole telling of it. They're all, they're all Brone: Tell it, Rafin. They're all how? Rafin: Like him, sir. Upturned. Staked to the dirt up and upturned. Brone: Those motherless Krady beasts. Do you glimpse the fullness of it now, stranger? Chakotay: Yes. I think I do. Brone: Now you fathom why we name them beasts and not men? Chakotay: I'm sorry. Brone: We're much more than sorry, aren't we, defenders? All: Yes, sir! Brone: The nemesis wants your plantings. All: True, true. Brone: He wants your homes. He wants your sisters. But does it suffice him to nullify you? No. He craves to shame you, mock you, keep you from the gloried Wayafter! We're wearied of it, aren't we? All: Yes sir! Brone: We're wrestled to the rages for it, aren't we? All: Yes, sir! Brone: And we're not going to swallow it. Not in the now, or in the soonafter! Brone: Assault! Apply yourselves and fire back! Rafin: Motherless beasts! Chakotay: Rafin, no! Stay down! Rafin: I'll nullify you all! Chakotay: Hold on. I'm gonna get you out of here. Rafin: Please. Turn my face to the Wayafter. Penno: A defender. Mark, neighbors, a defender! Karya: Welcome to Larhana settlement, gloried defender. You're brightly greeted. Janeway: Captain's log, stardate 51082.4. After searching for more than two days we've finally located what's left of Commander Chakotay's shuttle. I can only hope the Commander has fared better than his vessel. Tuvok: According to the ambassador, Chakotay's shuttle was hit by enemy fire and crash-landed somewhere on the southernmost continent. Janeway: Right in the middle of the war zone. Tuvok: I'm afraid so. Janeway: Can we get a lock on him? Kim: There's too much atmospheric radiation from weapons fire. We can't scan the surface. Tuvok: Which means we don't know if he's still alive. Janeway: Why don't we assume he still is? Paris: I should have gone with him. Janeway: It's not your fault, Tom. We couldn't have anticipated this. What we've got to do now is figure out how to deal with it. B'Elanna, try to modify the scanners. Cut through the interference. Torres: Aye, Captain. Janeway: Neelix, what do you know about this war? Neelix: It's vicious. Ambassador Treen's people have been defending themselves against a particularly savage aggressor for more than a decade. Janeway: Is the Ambassador willing to help us find Chakotay? Neelix: He's willing, but he may not be able. Tuvok: His resources are extremely limited, and the situation on the surface is chaotic. Neelix: But he's assured me that if his troops do find Chakotay, he'll receive medical attention and be transported to the nearest command post. Torres: Let's hope he doesn't meet up with these savage aggressors first. Paris: Captain, let me lead a team down there and bring him back. Janeway: I understand how you feel, Tom, but let's take it one step at a time. Tuvok, recontact Ambassador Treen. Ask for any tactical support he's willing to provide. Maps, weapons analyzes, intelligence reports. Before I risk anyone else's life I want to know exactly what we're getting ourselves into. Penno: By your coverings, you're a novice, defender. Do I tell the truth? Chakotay: Listen, there's been a misunderstanding. I'm not a defender. My shuttle was shot down by the Kradin and I landed in the clash zone. I met up with one of your patrols. They gave me this uniform. Penno: Which contingent? Chakotay: The Fourth. Marna: The Fourth? They're sturdy clashers. Penno: Tell us, did you and your allies drive the nemesis from the trunks? Chakotay: We put up a brave fight. Marna: Then you're a gloried defender even if you claim not to be. Penno: Marna tells the truth, Chakotay. You are welcome among my neighbors. Chakotay: Thank you. That's very kind. Marna: Do you crave anything more? Drink? Warm coverings? Chakotay: What I really need is some communications equipment to contact my crew. Penno: We have no means to signal your people. Marna: The Kradin drove us from our homes and plantings, and took all the machinery we had. Chakotay: Do you know where I might find some place with communications equipment? Penno: The restock unit. Chakotay: Can you tell me how to get there? Penno: It's not very near. At least ten thousand footfalls through the thick of the trunks. Chakotay: Then I'd better get started. Marna: The new light is coming. Rest till then. Penno: Yes, please, Chakotay. Rest until the new light. Chakotay: I think I will. Penno: Come, neighbors. Let's give defender Chakotay some quiet. Karya: I wanted to know if you crave more. Chakotay: No, thank you. Karya: Oh. Chakotay: But it was delicious. Karya: And the blossoms, do you like them? I planted them myself. Chakotay: They're very pretty. Karya: I've heard tellings that the Kradin leave our nullied defenders upturned. Is it true? You can tell me. Penno says I'm too small to be told, but I'm not. Chakotay: It's true the Kradin don't respect your beliefs. Karya: The Kradin are beasty. I don't fathom why they flamed our homes, nor why they crave to nully us all. Chakotay: I don't either. Karya: We never took their plantings. We never nullied their brothers. So why do they hate us? Chakotay: I wish I could tell you. Hate's not something I understand very well. Karya: My brother's a defender, too. Chakotay: Really? Karya: He left for the clash two plantings before. I was much smaller then. He was sturdy, and pleasing to glimpse in his colors. Like you. Maybe you've glimpsed him. He's called Daryo. Chakotay: There are a lot of soldiers in the war. I only met a few of them. Karya: He's a team leader of the Seventh Defense Contingent. Chakotay: The Seventh. Are you sure he was with the Seventh? Karya: They're very sturdy in the clash. Have you heard of them? Chakotay: The patrol I was with was supposed to rendezvous with them. Karya: Why didn't you? You would have glimpsed him. Chakotay: We were ambushed before we had the chance. Karya: But when you go back to the clash, maybe you'll glimpse Daryo then. You could take a letter to him. Chakotay: I'm not going back to the clash zone. I've got to get to the restock unit so I can contact my ship. Karya: Then you can bring my letter to the restock unit. Maybe some defender there can take it to Daryo. Will you do it? Please? I'll go write it now, before the new light comes. Chakotay: I wish you a good day. Penno: Thank you. Marna: Provisions for your long walk. Penno: Walk well, defender Chakotay. Chakotay: Thank you both. You've all been very kind. Karya: Writings for my brother. You'll be sure he gets them? Chakotay: I'll do my best. Karya: Your best will be enough. The pretty smell of the blossoms will hold the nemesis far away. Chakotay: Then you'd better keep one for yourself. Kradin: Offer no opposition, or you will be nullified. Janeway: No evidence of cellular residue on the shuttle wreckage, so there's a chance Chakotay survived the crash. Paris: Unfortunately the wreckage was found inside enemy territory, Tuvok: So there is also a chance he has been captured or killed by the nemesis. Paris: There you go looking on the bright side again, Tuvok. Janeway: What's this nemesis? Tuvok: It is the term Ambassador Treen's people use to identify their enemy. Paris: Apparently, they're vicious. They shoot without warning, use biochemical weapons, routinely massacre civilians. If we run into them, it's safe to say they won't be hanging out a welcome sign. Janeway: I want a team on the surface as soon as possible. Paris: I was hoping you'd say that. Tuvok, let's get moving. Tuvok: I must caution you both my tactical analysis does not bode well for the success of such a mission. Given the situation in the battle zone, there is a very high probability that an away team will sustain heavy casualties. Paris: Are you saying we should just abandon Chakotay? Tuvok: On the contrary. Janeway: I suppose you've come up with an alternative plan? Tuvok: Indeed. I have concluded that the least risky course of action is for a single crew member to make the infiltration, accompanied by a commando unit that Ambassador Treen has agreed to provide. Paris: Fine with me. When do I leave? Janeway: Something tells me that's not what Tuvok has in mind. Tuvok: Naturally, I am the logical person to carry out this mission. Paris: Naturally. Kradin: Get down there! Karya: Chakotay! Chakotay: I heard the explosions, and I came back to help. Karya: What did the Kradin do to you? Chakotay: They interrogated me. Where's your grandfather? Karya: I don't know. He's very gray, and his heart's not sturdy. He needs me to tend him. Chakotay: You. You! I want to talk to your superior. Hey, I'm talking to you! I want to know what you've done to this girl's grandfather. He's old and needs medical atte - Argh! Karya: Chakotay! Penno always tells it'll be brighter when the new light comes. Chakotay: Your grandfather's a wise man. Chakotay: That's right, get some sleep. Karya: You'll tend me, won't you, no matter what comes in the soonafter? Chakotay: Close your glimpsers, and dream of your gloried brother. Kradin: Come along. Vori. Move along. Karya: Where are they taking them? Chakotay: I don't know. Marna: They'll be fast walked to the extermination facility. Karya: Why? Marna: Because they're gray and too long-lived the Kradin think them unfit for toiling. They won't make good servers like us. Kradin: Offer no resistance. Karya: Penno. Penno! Penno: Karya! Karya: Where are they taking you? Penno: Be sturdy, my daughter's daughter. Karya: Who's going to tend you? Penno: We'll glimpse each other again in the Wayafter. Karya: Set him loose! Chakotay: Karya! Karya: Set him loose! Kradin: Be still! Chakotay: Keep your hands off her. Don't touch her! Commandant: What's the matter, pretty one? Karya: Set my mother's father loose. Commandant: Is that the man you mean? Penno: No! Karya! Karya: Please, set him loose! Commandant: You don't want to see him suffer, do you, pretty one? Karya: No. Commandant: Don't worry. The old Vori's suffering will be over soon enough. Karya: No! Penno! Commandant: Take this shrieking waif to the extermination facility. Karya: No. Chakotay, set me loose! Chakotay, help me! Chakotay: Motherless beast! Janeway: Are Ambassador Treen and his soldiers ready to beam aboard? Kim: Aye, Captain. Janeway: Energize. Janeway: Welcome aboard, Ambassador. Thank you for agreeing to help us find our crewman. Treen: Your thanks are unnecessary, Captain. Any victim of our bloodthirsty nemesis, the Vori, will always find friends among the Kradin people. Brone: Chakotay. Be calm now. I'll set you loose. Sorry to leave you upturned so long, but I had to shroud myself in the trunks till the Kradin walked on. Chakotay: The villagers, from Larhana settlement? Brone: They were fast walked through the trunks. Chakotay: And your defenders? Brone: All nullified. Chakotay: Thank you for coming back for me. You put yourself at risk. Brone: And you, Chakotay, clashed beside us against the Kradin though you are a stranger to this sphere. I glimpsed you chancing your days and nights to save Rafin from our nemesis. Chakotay: You tell the truth when you name them beasts. What will you do now that your men are gone? Brone: Join with the Fifth Contingent. They're trying to free the villagers. It doesn't go brightly for them. Chakotay: I'll come with you. Brone: No. I'll bring you to command. You can signal your people. Chakotay: That can wait till the soonafter. In the now, you need my help to nullify the nemesis. Brone: Back walk! Back walk! The nemesis is nearing. It's sharper to back walk. Chakotay: Brone! Kradin: Vori soldiers! You are surrounded. Lay down your arms and surrender. Kradin: Hold your fire! Chakotay: You'll have to nullify me first! Kradin: Hold your fire, Commander Chakotay. Do not fire, Commander. Chakotay: How do you know my name? Kradin: I am Lieutenant Tuvok, Chakotay: Tuvok? Don't walk any closer! Kradin: I've come to take you back to Voyager. Brone: Nullify him, Chakotay. It's a Kradin tactic. Kradin: I assure you, Commander, this is no ruse. It is Lieutenant Tuvok. Don't you recognize me? Brone: He's the nemesis! Chakotay: You're a Kradin beast. You destroyed that village, nullified Penno, took away Karya. She was only a child! Kradin: They've brainwashed you, Commander. Look closer. Try to recall. Your shuttle was shot down. These people, the Vori, they captured you. Chakotay: No, they rescued me. Tuvok: That is what they want you to believe. They have been indoctrinating you, training you to fight their war. Chakotay: Take one more step and I'll nullify you. Tuvok: You are Commander Chakotay of the starship Voyager. You are a scientist, an explorer. You are not a killer. Chakotay: Tuvok. Tuvok: Yes, Commander. Chakotay: How can you wear those colors? They're Kradin. They're beasts, murderers. Tuvok: On the contrary, they are the ones who helped us locate you. We tracked you to a Vori training camp. We infiltrated the facility, but you were gone. They had already brought you here to fight this battle. Before today, nothing you experienced here was real. It is the method the Vori use to conscript and train soldiers. Chakotay: I don't believe you! Tuvok: I will prove it to you if you will lower your weapon. Tuvok: Do you recognize this place? Chakotay: It's Larhana settlement. Penno: A defender. Mark, neighbors, a defender! Defender. Karya. Karya: Welcome to Larhana settlement, gloried defender. You are brightly greeted. Janeway: Captain's log, stardate 51096.5 Although Lieutenant Tuvok has managed to bring Commander Chakotay safely back to the ship, it may be some time before his psychological wounds are fully healed. Emh: My guess is the Vori used a combination of mind control techniques, including photometric projections, heightened emotional stimuli, and highly sophisticated psychotropic manipulation. From the condition of your hypothalamus, I'd say they had you so mixed up they could have convinced you your own mother was a turnip. Chakotay: Everything I experienced was some sort of simulation? Janeway: Except for the battle you were fighting when Tuvok found you. Apparently, attacking the simulated Commandant marked your graduation from basic training. Chakotay: And the men I fought beside, none of them was real? Namon and Rafin weren't killed in front of me? Janeway: As far as we can tell, they were part of the simulation. The idea was to make you bond with your fellow soldiers as well as the villagers, so their deaths would enrage you. Chakotay: Why me? Janeway: Luck of the draw. You happened to be passing through their space and you were as promising a recruit as anyone else. We've been told the Vori have dozens of these training facilities where they conscript their own people, and any aliens they're able to capture. Emh: In short, Commander, you've been subjected to a highly sophisticated form of propaganda. Chakotay: Then the Kradin don't kill innocent civilians? They don't desecrate the Vori's dead? Janeway: I don't know. But the Kradin accuse the Vori of the same kinds of atrocities. Chakotay: I cared about the Vori, but I hated the Kradin. I wanted to kill every one of them. Janeway: Evidently, that was the point. Neelix: Captain. Ambassador Treen would like a word with the Commander. Treen: I wish to tell you how pleased my people are to hear of your recovery. I'm only sorry we weren't able to rescue you sooner from our nemesis. Have I said something wrong? Neelix: I don't know. Chakotay: If you'll excuse me, Captain. Janeway: Chakotay? Chakotay: I wish it were as easy to stop hating as it was to start.
Ezri: It's funny. Before yesterday, I'd never set foot on this station but it's as familiar to me as the back of my hand. Isn't that odd? Ezri: You have no idea who I am, do you? Ezri: I didn't think so. Thanks for listening anyway.. Ezri: I was killed here. I mean, Jadzia was. Kira: I try not to think about that. If I did, I'm not sure that I could come back here. Ezri: It's a strange sensation, dying. No matter how many times it happens to you, you never get used to it. It must be a little diskoncerting for you, knowing that I have Jadzia's memories. No wonder you're uncomfortable. Kira: It's a lot to get used to. Ezri: Tell me about it. Well, I'll let you get to your prayers. Ezri: Bloodwine. Quark: That's the good stuff. Same vintage I served when you and Worf got married. Ezri: It smells awful. Quark: It used to be your favorite. Ezri: I used to be right handed, too. A lot of things have changed since I was joined. Quark: I can imagine. Seven lifetimes worth of memories would mix up anyone. Or is it eight? Ezri: Who knows anymore? Quark: It'll be a lot easier once you get settled in. Have you picked out your quarters yet? Ezri: I'm not staying. I'm going back to the Destiny to be an assistant counselor. Quark: You're a therapist? Ezri: Why does everyone sound so surprised when they hear that? Quark: Oh, it's just you're so young. Why are you in such a hurry to leave? Why not stay for a while and get to know your old friends again. Ezri: I don't want to force things. People need time to get over losing Jadzia. You know something, Quark? Besides Benjamin, you're the only one of Jadzia's friends who doesn't seem uncomfortable around me. Quark: She and I were close, I don't see any reason why we shouldn't be close too. Remember all those late night tongo games? Ezri: Who could forget? Wait a minute. You owe me ten slips of latinum from our last game. Quark: I don't think so. Ezri: I won with a Full Consortium. I remember. Quark: Your memory's playing tricks on you. Ezri: Don't say that, Quark. I'm confused enough as it is. Quark: Look who's here. Quark: I bet the two of you have a lot to talk about. Sisko: Come in. Sisko: Dax. Ezri: Are you alone? Sisko: Why are you sneaking in this way? Ezri: I didn't want to go through Ops in case Worf was there. We bumped into each other last night in Quark's. Sisko: It didn't go well, I take it? You weren't expecting him to accept you right away, were you? Ezri: Of course not. But he wouldn't even talk to me. Sisko: Perhaps he was just trying to respect your customs. He knows that the joined Trill aren't supposed to get involved with people who were married to their previous hosts. Ezri: But that doesn't mean we can't talk to each other. Worf knows that. Sisko: Are you sure? Ezri: I told him all about Trill traditions. Jadzia did. We discussed them. They discussed them. Sisko: I understand. Ezri: These pronouns are going to drive me crazy. Ezri: Look at him, Benjamin. He's in pain. Sisko: How can you tell? Ezri: I was his wife. I can tell. I don't want to put him through any more heartache than he's already going through. It's a good thing I'm going back to the Destiny. Sisko: You're still planning on leaving. Ezri: I can't stay. I couldn't do that to him. Besides, I think it might be easier for me on the Destiny. There are too many memories here. Sisko: I'm going to miss you, old man. Ezri: I'm going to miss you too, Benjamin. Bashir: If you feel that strongly, Miles, you can be Crockett. I'll be Travis. Odo: And who am I going to be again? Bashir: General Santa Anna. Odo: Santa Anna. Bashir: When can our costumes be ready? Bashir: Garak? Garak: Hmm? Bashir: Our holosuite costumes. When can they be ready? Garak: Oh, I'm afraid you're going to have to find them from somewhere else. The shop's closed. O'Brien: Still? Garak: Well, Starfleet Intelligence is keeping me quite busy these days. Bashir: What if we let you be Crockett? O'Brien: Hey. Garak: Even if I was interested, I don't have the time. Do you have any idea how long it takes to decode a Cardassian military transmission? I mean, I invented some of the basic encryption protocols when I was with the Obsidian Order, but it still takes me several days to decipher the simplest sentence. Bashir: You've got to take a break sometime. Garak: Well I intend to. Just as soon as the Dominion is driven off Cardassia. Must you stand so close? Bashir: That was a bit harsh. Garak: Well, I don't like people looming over me. I have to get back to work. Thank you for your company, gentlemen. Odo: Starfleet intercepted another Cardassian military transmission. Are you all right? Garak? Garak: I can't breathe. Odo: Garak! Odo to the Infirmary. We have a medical emergency. Garak. Odo: He had a claustrophobic attack in his shop. Sisko: His shop? I don't understand. That's a good sized space. Garak: I know. I've been claustrophobic for as long as I can remember, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. Rooms that I once found completely tolerable now suddenly feel alarmingly cramped. Bashir: I wish I had an explanation, but I don't. He checks out fine. Garak: Well, I don't feel fine. Would you gentlemen mind terribly if we continued this conversation on the Promenade? Odo: Better? Garak: A little. Sisko: Mister Garak, as much as I appreciate with your situation, I'm not sure why you asked to see me. Garak: I was hoping you'd be kind enough to express my regrets to Starfleet Intelligence. When I get this way, my concentration isn't what it should be. I'm afraid I won't be decoding any transmissions for a while. Sisko: Can I tell them when to expect you back on the job? Garak: I wish I could say. Believe me, I'm not happy about this either. I want to see an end to this war just as much as you. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hem some pants. For some reason, sewing seems to calm me down. Odo: Sewing? Sisko: We can't afford to lose Mister Garak right now. Is there anything you can do for him? Bashir: To be blunt, our friend Garak needs to have his head examined. Ezri: Me? You want me to work with Garak? Sisko: You're a counselor, aren't you? Ezri: Assistant counselor. I'm still in training. Sisko: Oh, come on, Dax. What are you going to learn in the next few months that you haven't already learned in the last three hundred years? Ezri: Oh, how to keep from breaking into tears for no reason. How to resist the urge to stand on my head. Things like that. Sisko: Why are you standing on your head, by the way? Ezri: Emony used to do it. Sisko: The gymnast? Ezri: She found it relaxing. Sisko: Do you? Ezri: Actually, it's giving me a headache. Ezri: Why can't Julian work with Garak? Sisko: Julian's a good doctor, but he's no counselor. Not even an assistant counselor. And besides, he doesn't have eight lifetimes worth of experience under his belt. Ezri: I bet he doesn't stand on his head for no reason, either. Sisko: That's a good point. Come on, old man, you can do this. Ezri: All right, I'll try. I just wish I had as much confidence in me as you do. Quark: So what do you think? Bashir: About what? Quark: About her. Bashir: About who? Quark: Dax. Bashir: Oh, Ezri. She seems nice. Quark: Meaning what? Bashir: Meaning nice. Quark: Oh, come on, Doctor. I know the way you felt about Jadzia. Bashir: She's not Jadzia. Quark: She's the next best thing. So, are you interested? Bashir: Sounds to me like you're the one who's interested, Quark. Quark: It's not every day you get a second chance with a woman. Bashir: It's not the same woman. Quark: She's still Dax, isn't she? Bashir: More or less. Quark: Well, that's good enough for me. Ready for a little competition? Bashir: You're insane. Quark: And you are going to lose. Ezri: Am I interrupting? Garak: Ah. You must be Ezri Dax. The Captain told me that you'd be dropping by to counsel me. Ezri: Is that all right? Garak: Oh, it all depends on what it involves. I'm a very private person. Ezri: I understand. So is it helping? The sewing. Is it making you feel better? Garak: Thankfully, yes. Ezri: You're lucky, nothing helps me. Garak: Are you claustrophobic too? Ezri: Why would you say that? Garak: You just said Ezri: No, I get spacesick. Ever since I was joined. I'm very sensitive to motion. I can even feel the station spinning. Garak: Really? Ezri: It's because of what happened to Torias. He was killed in a shuttle accident. Garak: But why would that make you spacesick? Ezri: Because I blame myself for what happened. Garak: You were piloting? Ezri: Yes. No. Depends on how you look at it. Torias was my fifth host. Didn't I say that? Garak: No. Ezri: Well, he was. And I think the reason that his death has stayed with me for so long is because I just can't seem to forgive him for getting himself killed. Garak: But you said it was an accident. So if he's not to blame, then you're not to blame, either. Ezri: I know. But somehow I can't help but punish myself for it. Garak: By getting spacesick. Ezri: Exactly. Garak: Don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me as if you're the one that needs to see a counselor. Ezri: You're probably right. But I didn't come here to talk about myself, I came to talk about you. Garak: So you did. Ezri: Do you remember anything traumatic happening to you when you were young. Something involving getting trapped in a confined space. Garak: If I had been that careless, my father would have left me there to teach me a lesson. Ezri: Sounds like he was strict. Garak: He didn't get to be the head of the Obsidian Order without a sense of diskipline. Ezri: Did he diskipline you? Garak: He punished me when I misbehaved. What father wouldn't? Ezri: Tobin. Garak: My second host. He could not bring himself to diskipline his children, no matter what they did. But that's another story. How did you say that your father punished you? Garak: He'd lock me in a closet. Ezri: Why didn't you mention that when I asked if you'd ever been trapped in a confined space. Garak: I wasn't trapped. I knew he'd let me out as soon as I learned my lesson. Ezri: Learned your lesson? Did you think you deserved to be locked in that closet? Garak: I could be very stubborn. Ezri: You blame yourself. Just like I blame myself for that shuttle accident. Maybe you get claustrophobic for the same reason that I get spacesick. We're both punishing ourselves for things that weren't our fault. That's it. Don't you see? We both have to let go of all this misplaced guilt. Garak: And if we do, our problems will simply disappear? Ezri: Not overnight, but it's a step in the right direction. Garak: Well, I'll certainly give your advice some thought. Ezri: Me too. Are you all right? Garak: To tell the truth, I'm starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Ezri: Probably because we've been talking about it. Actually, I'm starting to feel a little spacesick myself. Garak: If it's all the same to you, I think I'll go back to my sewing. Ezri: Good idea. Garak: Thank you for stopping by. Ezri: My pleasure. Ezri: Hello, Worf. Worf: Ensign. Ezri: Ensign? That's all you have to say to me? Worf: What more is there to say? Ezri: I was your wife. Worf: You are not Jadzia. Jadzia died and went to Sto-vo-kor. I do not know you. Nor do I wish to know you. Ezri: Come in. Sisko: Dax? Ezri: Do you think the Chief could adjust the inertial dampers so the station would spin a little slower? Sisko: I don't know. Why? Ezri: Never mind. To what do I owe the pleasure? Sisko: I'm not going to say I told you so, but Garak stopped by Odo's office this morning to pick up the latest Cardassian transmissions for decoding. Ezri: Really? Sisko: It looks like Garak's claustrophobia is under control. Ezri: I guess our talk helped him. Sisko: I told you so. Ezri: I thought you said you weren't going to say that. Sisko: I couldn't resist. Sisko: Are you all right? Ezri: I talked with Worf. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Sisko: Perhaps I should have a talk with him. Ezri: Absolutely not. You intimidate him. Sisko: Me? Ezri: Don't tell him I told you. Sisko: I intimidate Worf, huh? Ezri: You like that, don't you? Sisko: Of course not. Ezri: Come on. I've been a man, I know. Sisko: Look, we're not talking about me and Worf, we're talking about you and Worf. Now, I sympathize with what he's going through, but as far as I'm concerned, you have as much right to be here as he does. Ezri: What are you getting at, Benjamin? Sisko: The war certainly has not been good for morale around here. I've been thinking the station could use a good counselor. I can't think of anyone better suited for the job. Ezri: Thanks for saying that. But even if Worf wasn't an issue, I'm still just an assistant counselor. Sisko: I took the liberty of talking to Starfleet Medical. They're willing to waive the rest of your training and give you a commission as a full counselor with the rank of lieutenant. Ezri: How'd you talk them into that? Sisko: I asked them what they thought you might learn in the next few months Ezri: That I haven't already learned in the last three hundred years. Sisko: They saw my point. I hope you do, too. Ezri: It means a lot to me that you want me to stay, but I can't. Sisko: Because of Worf? Ezri: Mostly. Sisko: Well, you just say the word and I will intimidate him for you. Ezri: Idanian spice pudding. No, cancel that. I'll have a kilm steak, rare. No, Tobin was a vegetarian. Give me Bashir: Two Fanalian toddies, hot. Ezri: How'd you know? Bashir: Lucky guess. Care to join me? Ezri: Sure. Bashir: So here we are. Ezri: What was that? Bashir: What was what? Ezri: That look. Bashir: This might be the last thing you want to hear, but you have Jadzia's eyes. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything. Ezri: Don't flirt with me, Julian. Please. Bashir: I'm not. Ezri: I remember the way you used to flirt with Jadzia. Bashir: It was just an observation. Ezri: Good. Because I'm not like her. She knew how to handle it. Actually, she quite enjoyed it. Bashir: Really? Ezri: You didn't know? Bashir: I always suspected. Ezri: You can be very charming. You want to know something? If Worf hadn't come along, it would have been you. Ezri: You really miss her, don't you? Bashir: Yes, I suppose I always will. But somehow, talking to you seems to help. Talpet: Deputy Talpet to Doctor Bashir. Bashir: Go ahead. Talpet: We have a medical emergency in airlock seven. It's Garak, sir. Bashir: I'm on my way. Bashir: Garak! What's he doing in there? Ezri: Garak, open the door. Garak: Let me out! Let me out! Ezri: Breathe in, and out. In and out. Better? It's beautiful, isn't it? Look at that sky. It just goes on and on. Garak: But it doesn't. It's an illusion. There's a holosuite wall not ten meters in front of us. Ezri: But you can't see it. Garak: I can feel it. Ezri: We could call up another program. Garak: I can't believe the way I humiliated myself back there. I just wanted to get out. I couldn't breathe. Ezri: If you were looking for fresh air, you sure were knocking on the wrong door. Garak: I have to get this situation under control. If I don't, I'm going to be forced to leave the station, and then where will I go? I can't go back to Cardassia. I doubt if I'd be welcome on Bajor. Ezri: You're not going to have to leave the station. I'll talk to Quark and tell him to leave this holosuite available to you twenty six hours a day. So the next time you feel like jumping out the nearest airlock, come here instead. It's going to be all right. We're going to get this under control. I promise. Garak: If you don't mind, I'd like to sit here and be alone for a while. Ezri: I'll come and check in on you later. Bashir: Hold still. I think I've got something. Quark: I knew it. Never get a tympanic tickle from an amateur. Bashir: Tympanic tickle? Quark: It's Bashir: Never mind. I don't want to know. Hold still. I'm going to get you some antibiotics. Worf: We need to talk. Bashir: About what? Worf: Do not toy with me, Doctor. I know how you felt about Jadzia. Bashir: That was a long time ago. Worf: I saw you with her. Bashir: Jadzia? Worf: You know who I'm talking about. Bashir: No, you've got it all wrong. Worf: Stay away from her. Bashir: Now wait just a minute. You have no right to tell me who I can be friends with. Worf: If you dishonor Jadzia's memory, you will regret it. And that goes for you too, Ferengi. Quark: What did I do? Ezri: Garak? I thought you were going to stay in the holosuite for a while. Garak: I got tired of staring at a fake landscape, pretending I was outside. No, no, no, work is the answer. My father always used to say that people should throw themselves into their work. Do your chores, Elim. I told you to do your chores. Ezri: And if you didn't? What would he do to you? Garak: Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't start. Spare me your insipid psychobabble. I'm not some quivering neurotic who feels sorry for himself because his daddy wasn't nice. You couldn't begin to understand me. Ezri: I'd like to try. Garak: Oh, I'm sure you would. You'd like nothing more than to pry into my personal affairs. Well, I'm not interested in dissecting my childhood. I only want to save my people from the Dominion. I don't need someone to walk in here and hold my hand. I want someone to help me get back to work. And you, my dear, aren't up to this task. I mean, look at you. You're pathetic. A confused child trying to live up to a legacy left by her predecessors. You're not worthy of the name Dax. I knew Jadzia. She was vital, alive. She owned herself. And you? You don't even know who you are. How dare you presume to help me? You can't even help yourself. Now get out of here before I say something unkind. Sisko: What's this all about? Ezri: What does it look like? I'm resigning from Starfleet. Sisko: Why? Ezri: Because I can't do my job. Garak was right. How can I help other people when I can't even help myself? Sisko: I know this has been a hard time for you, old man, but you see Ezri: Don't call me that! I'm not the old man. I'm not Curzon. Or Jadzia. Sisko: No, you're Ezri. Ezri Dax. And you've been given eight lifetimes worth of experience. Now I know this is confusing for you right now, but in time you'll see it's a wonderful gift. Ezri: It's a gift I don't deserve. Sisko: If that's the way you feel, then go back to Trill. Talk to the Symbiosis Commission. Maybe you can convince them to take the symbiont out of you. Ezri: I wish they could. But removing the symbiont would kill me, you know that. Sisko: Well, if you're leaving Starfleet, you'll have to find something to do. Let's see. Maybe you could be one of the people who takes care of the symbiont pools? It's quiet in those caves. No one around. No one expecting great things from you. You could spend the rest of your life underground, in the dark, stirring mud. Eighty or ninety years of that might be just what you need. And as for Dax? That symbiont had eight amazing lives. So what if the ninth was a waste. Ezri: Stop it, Benjamin. I thought you of all people would understand. Sisko: I do understand. And you were right. You don't deserve the Dax symbiont. Quite frankly, you don't deserve to wear that uniform. I'll pass this on to Starfleet Command. Dismissed. Worf: Enter. Worf: Oh, no. Not again. O'Brien: Compliments of Doctor Bashir. Worf: He sent you? O'Brien: No, that was my idea. Now, if you want to skip the drinking and get right down to the talking, I'm game. Worf: What do you wish to discuss? O'Brien: Julian swears there's nothing going on between him and Ezri. There's no reason for you to be jealous. Worf: This has nothing to do with jealousy! I know that Doctor Bashir cared for Jadzia, but this woman is not Jadzia, and treating her as if she were dishonors her memory. O'Brien: Wrong. Treating Ezri like a stranger dishonors Jadzia's memory. Worf: It doesn't make sense. She is not Jadzia, yet she is. How can I honor the memory of the woman I loved when she is not really dead? O'Brien: I don't have an answer for you, Worf. Let me ask you this. How do you think Jadzia would wanted you to treat Ezri? Worf: There's no way to know. O'Brien: Yes, there is. And the person who can tell you is the person you've been avoiding ever since she got here. Garak: Well, I didn't think you'd darken my doorstep again. Ezri: I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I wish I'd been able to help you. Garak: So do I. Ezri: Well, you don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore. I'll be leaving in the morning. Garak: Yes, I'd heard that the Destiny was going to arrive tomorrow. Ezri: They're putting in for supplies before they head to the front. But I won't be going with them. I've decided to go back to Trill. Garak: How nice for you. Ezri: Actually, the Destiny's going to be joining the Seventh Fleet at Kalandra. Garak: Kalandra? Ezri: Those transmissions you decoded last week must have convinced Starfleet that it's a good place to launch a new offensive. Garak: Yes, the transmissions did indicate that it was somewhat vulnerable. Ezri: If the offensive goes well, Starfleet will have you to thank for it. Garak: That's most gratifying. Ezri: I just thought you should know. Ezri: Are you all right? Garak: Yes, of course I'm all right. That's very good news about Kalandra. Ezri: Let's just hope it goes well. The Cardassians will put up a strong fight. Garak: Oh, indeed they will. But in the end, they'll lose. Ezri: How can you be so sure? Garak: Because they won't be expecting an attack. Because they have no idea that I broke their code. All those Cardassians are going to die because of me. Ezri: I suppose that's one way of looking at it. Garak: What other way is there? Ezri: That by helping to end the war, you'll be saving lives. Garak: Saving lives? And what lives would I be saving? Human? Klingon? Romulan? Ezri: And Cardassian. Garak: No, not Cardassians. They're going to fight to the bitter end. The Dominion will see to that. Don't you understand? Don't you see? I wanted to believe that I was helping my people, liberating them, but all I've done is to pave the way for their annihilation. I'm a traitor! I've betrayed every Ezri: Dax to Infirmary, I need a medical team. Ezri: How are you feeling? Garak: Well I'm breathing much better now. Ezri: At least we found out what's been triggering these claustrophobic attacks you've been having. Garak: You know, when I first agreed to help Starfleet, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I didn't allow myself to doubt it, even for an instant. I never realized how much it was gnawing at me. I suppose I was looking for a way out and the claustrophobia gave me an excuse to stop fighting my people. Ezri: Now that you know that, what are you going to do? Garak: Get back to work. What else can I do? The Dominion must be stopped. Even if it does mean the destruction of Cardassia. Ezri: The Captain will be glad to hear that you're back on the job. Garak: Well, he has you to thank for it. And so do I. And what about you? Are you still planning to go back to Trill? Ezri: No. I'm going to stay in Starfleet. Garak: I'm sure the Captain will be glad to hear that as well. Ezri: The Captain! Sisko: What now? Ezri: It's my request to be reinstated into Starfleet. Sisko: I can't send this to Starfleet Command. Ezri: Why not? Sisko: Because I never submitted your resignation. Ezri: I had a feeling you didn't mean all those things you said to me. You were just trying to rattle my cage. Sisko: You've done it to me often enough. I'm glad it worked. Mister Garak has asked that the latest Cardassian transmissions be sent to the Infirmary. Well done. Ezri: Thanks. Somehow I thought you'd be happier that I was staying in Starfleet. Sisko: I'd be happier if you would stay here at DS Nine. Ezri: Me, too. But you know I can't. Sisko: I hope Captain Raymer knows how lucky she is. She's getting one hell of a counselor. Ezri: Yes? Worf: May I come in? Ezri: Of course. Worf: I understand that you are leaving in the morning. Ezri: That's right. Worf: I am not certain that I have treated you the way that Jadzia would have wanted. Ezri: You'll get no argument from me there. Worf: I loved her with all my heart. Ezri: And she loved you. Worf: Part of me is glad to know that she is not gone forever. But in some ways it would be easier if she were. Ezri: I know. Worf: I have heard that the Captain offered you a position as station counselor. I would not want you to decline on my account. Ezri: Worf, I can't stay. I couldn't do that to you. Worf: Do you wish to stay? Ezri: Very much. Worf: Then do. Jadzia would not have wanted you to leave because of me. Ezri: Thank you. Worf: It will be a long time before I can accept what has happened. Until then Ezri: You need your breathing room. I understand. Sisko: Congratulations, Lieutenant. I want you to take a good look around. You have just agreed to take responsibility for the mental health of everyone in this room. You have your work cut out for you. Bashir: Well, I'm glad they made you a lieutenant. It would have been hard taking advice from an ensign. O'Brien: Since when did you take advice from anyone? Odo: Why don't you join us for dinner tonight? Ezri: I don't want to put you out. Kira: Oh, no, please come. It'll take the pressure off me. All he does is sit there and counts how many times I chew. Ezri: I'll be there. Jake: She is cute. Sisko: She's also about three hundred years too old for you. Quark: I took the liberty of putting together a plate for you. Ezri: Thanks, Quark. Worf isn't here, is he? Quark: Good question. Excuse me. Garak: It's quite a nice turnout. Congratulations. Ezri: I hope it isn't too crowded for you. Garak: Oh, not at all.
Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again. Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um... Clark: It's porn. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment. Phyllis: Why? Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public. Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit. Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish. Group: Ugh. Ew. Andy: What? Dwight: Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak. Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? Toby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it. Group: No! Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we- Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused? Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente. Dwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis] Phyllis: What the hell?! Dwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny. Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod] Phyllis: Wait, what? Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!! Dwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles. Clark: What's her name? Dwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background] Clark: Sweet. Dwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres. Clark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'. Dwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me. Clark: Oh. Dwight: [laughs] What do you think? Clark: The same thing that you think. Dwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship. Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air. Angela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes. Angela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs] Pam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week. Jim: Oh man. [laughs] Pam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'. Jim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen. Pam: [laughs] Um. Jim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say? Pam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen? Jim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman. Pam: Oh, oh OK. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Pam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well? Jim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later? Pam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok. Jim: Ok great. Pam: Ok. Jim: Bye. Pam: Bye. Kevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web. Phyllis: Play it again. Promo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA. Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes. Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo. Kevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction] Angela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer. Clark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim? Pam: Uh huh. Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful. Pam: It wasn't so bad. Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler? Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert. Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl. Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh. Jim: Let's go to the conference room. Dwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots. Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth. Dwight: Did I tell you about her teeth? Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper. Angela: Yes. Dwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome. Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls. Dwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always. Esther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead] Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that...thing. Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much. Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed. Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number. Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever. Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: 'C'mon, I can do that.' Jim: Right? [laughs] Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of? Darryl: Subway sandwiches. Jim: Yep. Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext. Jim: Wow. Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called 'The Big Piece' Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical. Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard- Jim: OK Ryan Howard: #NAME? Darryl: The space dust does it. Jim: Space dust. Darryl: Yeah. Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together. Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright. Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it. Jim: Ok, great. Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies? Andy: Of course there are! Kevin: Of course. Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen- Nellie: Oh, I don't care. Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark. Pam: Oh my god! Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me 'Skrald mand'? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up] Oscar: Dumpster Man. Kevin: Cool. Superhero. Angela: What about me? 'Klokken tre pige' Oscar: 'Three PM Girl' Angela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had sex] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then! Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves. Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it? Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified] Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am. Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage. Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce! Group: No! Oscar: Meredith! Angela: Come on! Nellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping? Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV! Erin: Hey. Angela: Oscar. Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out. Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you? Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: 'You guys are killing it!' I mean, we're internet sensations guys! Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk. Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something] Oscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes. Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape? Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that? Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone. Pete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got. Pam: Brian? Pete: Yeah. Pam: Yeah, I guess I could. Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me. Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia? Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia. Group: Oh! Meredith: Wow. Clark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do? Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft. Clark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs] Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets. Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns. Dwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal. Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck. Dwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands] Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started. Ruger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together. Clark: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ruger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with. Stanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring. Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. 'The guy at 0:19 is hawt!' [typing] 'Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!'[reading] 'He's not hawt, he's gay.' [typing] 'Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again.' [reading] 'He is hawt!' See, thank you, that's more like it. 'He is butt.' God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh! Dwight: Security deposit. That's been- Mr. Ruger: Standard. Dwight: Right, standard. Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second? Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate. Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen] Dwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off. Clark: Dude, we're being conned. Dwight: Go on. Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor. Dwight: No. Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her. Dwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now? Clark: I don't even know what an auger is! Dwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is. Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign? Dwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark] Brian: Oh, hey! Pam: Hey! Brian: Hi. [laughs] Pam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time? Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this- Pam: Oh my gosh, please, don't. Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there. Pam: Sure, yeah. Yeah. Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks. Pam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view. Brian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer] Pam: Oh, thank you. Brian: Cheers. Pam: Cheers. Angela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator? Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween. Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar] Oscar: Oh! Angela: God! Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy! Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career. Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news. Angela: Call him! Oscar: You call him! Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar] Oscar: Stop hitting me! Angela: Call him! Call him! Oscar: No! Brian: So... Pam: So.. Brian: What brings you by? Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today. Brian: Oh yeah, that's right. Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy. Brian: Yeah, it is. Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof? Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment. Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat? Brian: Yeah, it was cool. Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed? Brian: Um... Pam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue- Brian: No no, it's- Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and...I don't know, am I crazy? Brian: No, you're not crazy. Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera- Brian: Yeah. Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much. Brian: They want to know how much what? Pam: How much stuff you got. Brian: Pretty much everything. Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs? Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you. Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years. Brian: That's not really true, I mean- Pam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go. Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better. Pam: No I think you explained it. Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam. Jim: 'Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh.' Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter. Jim: Smart. Ryan Howard: 'Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs.' Jim: 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks.' Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it! Darryl: Yeah, Jim. Jim: [louder] 'Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!' Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: 'Oh yeah!' Jim: 'Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you.' Ryan Howard: 'They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story.' Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends. Darryl: It's so strong. Ryan Howard: Keep reading then. Jim: 'Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack.' Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader. Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that. Darryl: We can look into it. Jim: We'll look into it. Ryan Howard: We need Darth. Jim: We gotta get him. Darryl: We'll go after Darth then. Jim: We're gonna go get him. Darryl: That's what we gotta do. Jim: We're gonna get him. Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me. Clark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours. Dwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy. Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way. Dwight: By hand. Esther: Dwight, we need to talk. Dwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther. Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends. Dwight: No. Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back. Dwight: That snake! Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine. Dwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond. Esther: Mmhm. Dwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed? Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you? Dwight: [laughs] No! Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for? Dwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther] Esther: Stupid. Senator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep] Angela & Oscar: Hi honey! Oscar: Oh you? Angela: No you go. Hi honey! Oscar: Hey, Hey Robert! Angela: It's Angela and Oscar. Oscar: Hey. Angela: Just a few quick things. Oscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos. Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential. Oscar: Very much so. Angela: Yeah. Oscar: Absolutely. Angela: Yeah! Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay. Angela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it. Oscar: I think that's it! Angela: I think we're good. Oscar: Done! Angela: Bye! Oscar: Ok! Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God. Andy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out 'you suck my nutz' from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie] Nellie: Good night Andy. Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying] Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Pam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in 'Elskere' which comes back as 'lovers' Pam smiles]
Paris: Paris to the Captain. Janeway: Janeway here. Paris: I've done an analysis of our route through Botha space. Whenever you have a minute to check it out. Janeway: I'm on my way to Engineering. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done. Paris: Aye, Captain. Neelix: Ah, Captain, the computer told me I'd find you on deck eleven section four B, starboard side, and sure enough, here you are. Janeway: What can I do for you, Neelix? Neelix: I assumed you'd want to talk to me. Janeway: About? Neelix: About the Botha. We're headed for their space and as I've told you, they're going to have to be handled very carefully. Janeway: I understand, and of course I want your counsel, but right now I'm late for a meeting. Neelix: I wouldn't put this off too long. We're getting closer, you know. Janeway: Yes, I know. And I will be with you as soon as I can. Janeway: Sorry, I'm late. What do you have? Torres: I think we're about ready to make our first attempt, Captain. Janeway: If you're successful, will the Doctor be able to move freely around the entire ship? Kim: Not exactly. The holoemitters would be set up in certain key areas, the Bridge, Engineering. We'll be able to transfer him to those locations. Janeway: In the same way we can now transfer him to the holodeck. Torres: Exactly. But if he tries to move into an area where there's no emitter field, he'll dematerialize. Kim: I have the holoprojector online. We're ready to start. Janeway: Proceed. I don't have much time. Torres: Engineering to Sickbay. Doctor, we're ready here. Emh: I'm standing by. Torres: Okay. Here goes. Kim: Initiating transfer. Here he comes. Emh: Well, this is certainly a brilliant feat of engineering. Janeway: What happened? Torres: I'd guess the imaging interface wasn't properly stabilized. Kim: Just a small oversight. No pun intended. Emh: Very amusing. Janeway: How long will it take you to correct this small oversight? Kim: Maybe a couple of hours. Janeway: Mister Kim, I have to assess our navigational plan and get ready to make contact with an alien species. I can't drop everything whenever you call. Tuvok: Tuvok to Janeway. Janeway: Go ahead. Tuvok: Captain, I would like a half an hour of your time to review the security protocols before we encounter the Botha. Janeway: Yes, Mister Tuvok. Somehow I will find half an hour. Emh: Excuse me, Captain. Would you come down here, please? Janeway: Yes? Emh: When did you last take shore leave? Janeway: About two months ago. Emh: Ah. How long since you've done something pleasurable, for recreation? Janeway: Doctor, I know I'm a bit testy today, but I can assure you Emh: How long? Janeway: It's been a while. I have a holonovel program. It helps me unwind. I haven't had time to run it for a few weeks. Emh: Well, I want you to, now. Janeway: Doctor, I'm really very busy. Emh: I've checked Starfleet regulations. The Chief Medical Officer outranks the Captain in health matters. Now I realize this may be the first time a hologram has given an order to a captain, but I'm ordering you to report to the holodeck, now. Janeway: Aye, sir. Emh: And the two of you can get busy undoing this ridiculous blunder of yours! Janeway: Good afternoon, my lord. Will the children be joining us for tea? Burleigh: Presently. Janeway: Lord Burleigh, is something wrong? Burleigh: Yes. Terribly wrong. Burleigh: I have fallen in love with you, Lucy. Janeway: My lord. Beatrice: Hello, Father. Henry: We're ready for tea. I want cucumber sandwiches. Templeton: You'll wait your turn, young man. What may I serve you, my lord? Burleigh: Nothing, thank you. Templeton: I see. Beatrice: I want my tea in this cup, please. And I don't want a cucumber sandwich. I don't like the way Cook cuts them. Janeway: My lord, you'll be very pleased with the children's progress in their studies this week. Henry shows a real talent for mathematics, and Beatrice turns out to be quite musical. Templeton: Beatrice? Musical? Beatrice: I don't know what she means. Janeway: She's very modest about it. I've heard her several times in the music room, playing a lovely Mozart sonata. But whenever I ask her to play it for me, she won't. I think her talent should be encouraged. Would you consider lessons? Burleigh: I didn't know Beatrice could play the piano. Beatrice: I'm sorry. Henry: It's just a cup. Don't be a goose. Beatrice: It's the flower cup, Mother's cup. Henry: It doesn't matter. Burleigh: Mrs Templeton, please take the children to the nursery. Templeton: Yes, my lord. Come. Burleigh: Please stay here, Mrs Davenport. Janeway: Beatrice is upset. I should be with her. Burleigh: I want you here. Janeway: What's happening in this house? How can you not know that Beatrice plays the piano? Why shouldn't I go to the fourth floor? What's up there? Burleigh: Those are questions you must not ask. Janeway: But I am asking them. I'm worried about the children. Beatrice fantasized that her mother is still alive. Burleigh: Don't pursue this, I beg you. Chakotay: Bridge to the Captain. Janeway: Freeze program. Janeway here. Chakotay: We've been hailed by a representative of the Bothan government. They'd like to talk to you. Janeway: I'll be right there. Sorry, my lord. Duty calls. Neelix: Captain, I knew we should have talked this morning. Janeway: Tell me what you know, Neelix. Neelix: I've been in subspace contact with some old friends of mine. Nomads, collectors, much as I used to be. They're in a position to gather information during their travels. What they've told me doesn't sound good. Janeway: In what way? Neelix: There are lots of rumors about ships entering Bothan space, never to be heard from again. My sources on Mithren say that they have lost a number of vessels. They say the Botha protect their territory fiercely. Janeway: But we aren't aggressors. Neelix: I don't think they are either. They just don't want anyone crossing their borders. Janeway: Will they negotiate? Will they respond to diplomacy? Neelix: It's hard to say. There's some belief that they don't even have a legitimate claim to the space, that they're nothing more than pernicious, odious vandals. In which case, diplomacy would fall on deaf ears. Tuvok: We're being hailed again, Captain. Janeway: On screen. I'm Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Bothan: Why have you entered our space without permission? Janeway: We didn't realize that this was your space. On what basis do you claim it? Bothan: I have no intention of explaining myself to you. The fact is, you're violating our territory. Janeway: I assure you, we mean no disrespect. We are from another part of the galaxy. We're just trying to make our way home. Bothan: We'll send a ship to rendezvous with you. If you meet the criteria, we'll consider your request. Janeway: Thank you. What are the criteria? Bothan: We'll discuss that when we meet. Paris: Friendly fellow. Janeway: At least they're willing to talk. Kim: I wonder why he wouldn't let us see his face. Janeway: I suspect it was a calculated move. An attempt to intimidate us. Commander, you have the Bridge. Chakotay: Aye, Captain. Janeway: Mister Neelix, join me in my Ready room. We should talk about this meeting. Neelix: Captain, if I may. What was the last time you ate? Janeway: Ate? Oh, I had some soup last night. Neelix: Then let me suggest that we conduct our talk in the mess hall. We're serving a sumptuous repast for lunch. Janeway: Right. Lunch it is. Neelix: Captain, you have a nasty habit of skipping meals and that can do horrible things to your electrolyte levels. Janeway: I know, but sometimes I just get too busy to eat. Neelix: All you have to do is give me a call. I'll be there in a trice with a tray of food so delectable you won't be able to resist. I do think I've outdone myself this time. An exquisite pate made from Seltin wood fungus. Brine-soaked neccel strips. Deviled wood throk. Janeway: Where did these come from? Neelix: Lieutenant Hargrove asked for them. Is something wrong? Janeway: No, just a funny coincidence. Something I saw on the holodeck. Thank you, Neelix. This all looks delicious. And it's bound to boost my electrolyte levels. Where did you get that cup? Neelix: Why, I'm not sure. I think I found several of them in storage. Unusual, isn't it? Captain, is everything all right? Janeway: It's perfectly all right, Neelix. I just have to remind myself that coincidences do happen. Burleigh: I can't help myself. I've fallen in love with you. Beatrice: My mother is alive, and my father loves her, not you. Janeway: In the course of your experiments with the Doctor, have you accessed any of the holodeck programs? Torres: No, we're bypassing the holodecks. Janeway: Where did you get this holoprojector? Kim: We found several of them in storage. We've been reconfiguring them one by one. Janeway: So you haven't worked directly with any of the projectors on the holodecks? Torres: No. Janeway: Is there anything you've done, anything you can think of, that might have caused holographic objects and characters to appear outside the holodeck? Torres: Not that I'm aware of. Janeway: I was sure your experiments would explain it. Torres: Captain, there has to be a reason why you've had these delusions and we're going to figure out what it is. Janeway: The Doctor pointed out that I've been under some stress. I can't ignore that. Kim: I think we should check out the imaging systems on the holodeck. There might be a simple malfunction. Janeway: Good idea. Torres: We can run the diagnostic from here in Engineering, but you should activate the program first. Janeway: I'll contact you from the holodeck. Janeway: Janeway to Engineering. Torres: Torres here. Janeway: Have you set up the diagnostic? Torres: We're ready, Captain. Janeway: Go ahead. Burleigh: Lucy. Thank God you've come back. Why are you dressed so strangely? Janeway: It's a costume. Burleigh: You'd look lovely in anything. I've thought of you constantly. Remembered your touch, your perfume, your lips Janeway: Computer, delete character. Torres: Torres to Janeway. We're finished, Captain, but we didn't find any malfunctions. Janeway: Recalibrate and try it again. I'm going to check something else. Torres: Aye, Captain. Neelix: Captain! I'm delighted to see you. Do you want a snack? Janeway: No, I'm fine. But I wanted to ask you about lunch. Neelix: Didn't you like it? Janeway: It was delicious. I was just trying to remember all the dishes you made. There was the Seltin pate. Neelix: Delectable. Janeway: The neccel strips. Neelix: Exquisite! Janeway: The devilled throk. Neelix: Sublime. Janeway: And the cucumber sandwiches. Neelix: Cucumber sandwiches? Janeway: Weren't there cucumber sandwiches? Neelix: I don't even know what that is. The other item on the menu was a fried murt cake. You ate one. Janeway: And the cup you served my tea in? Neelix: One of these. The ones I found in storage. Janeway: I thought it had flowers on it. Neelix: Flowers? Well, no, I don't see any flowers. Maybe there was another cup, but I don't think so. Would you like a cup with flowers on it? I'm sure I can replicate one. Janeway: It's all right, Neelix. You've told me what I need to know. Emh: I don't detect anything so far. No evidence of aneurysm, subdural haematoma, stroke. Janeway: Could it be stress? Emh: Possibly. Did you go to the holodeck as I ordered? Janeway: Yes. Emh: And was that relaxing? Janeway: It was interesting. I'm not sure how relaxing it was. Emh: There are other possibilities we should consider. I want to scan for airborne bacteria and viruses. We should investigate the possibility of an alien intruder. And I'd like to do a cerebro-cortical scan on you. Kes: Oh! Oh. Emh: Kes? Kes: I don't know. Strange. Oh, suddenly I felt cold, shivery. Janeway: Someone was walking your grave. Emh: Hmm? Janeway: It's just an old saying on Earth. A way of describing an odd feeling like that. Emh: Hmm. How macabre. Janeway: It's human expression, Doctor. I'd think you'd have heard it. Emh: My programrs didn't clutter me up with pithy Earth trivia. They programmed me with far more important data. Kes, would you please get my sub-neural scanner from the Med Lab? Kes: Yes, Doctor. Beatrice: What's about my mother's grave? There's no one inside. The coffin is empty. Janeway: Doctor. Doctor. Who do you see here? Emh: I see you. Janeway: And I see you. But I also see a little girl from my holodeck program. Emh: What happened? Janeway: I'm not sure. The image of the little girl suddenly rushed at me. Kes: I saw it too. When I came in, I felt as though something hit me, bounced off me, then I saw the little girl moving right into you. Janeway: As though you became a mirror. You reflected her back toward me. Kes: I've been doing some mental exercises with Tuvok developing my telepathic abilities, but we haven't done anything like this. Emh: Captain, until I am able to determine the cause of these hallucinations, I'd prefer that you return to your quarters. Get some rest. Janeway: Vegetable bouillon. No, cancel that. Coffee ice cream. Janeway: Hello? Is anyone there? Mark: Kath, are you there? Janeway: Computer, is there anyone in these quarters except me? Computer: Negative. Mark: Kath, are you there? Janeway: Who's that? Mark: Come look at the puppies. Janeway: Mark. Mark: I have missed you so much, Kath. When are you coming back? I don't think you've missed me. Someone else is in your thoughts now. Mark: Isn't that true? Isn't there someone you're thinking of? Janeway: Computer, open the door. Templeton: Everything was fine until you came here. I took care of him. He trusted me. But when you arrived, all that changed. Janeway: Janeway to Security. Intruder alert. Templeton: You've done nothing but cause trouble. We don't want more trouble in our lives! Janeway: Security to the Captain's quarters! Tuvok, please respond! Tuvok: Captain! Emh: Can you still see the hallucinations? Kes: Yes, the woman with the knife is receding into the Captain, just like before. Tuvok: Captain! Listen to me! You are in Sickbay. You are all right. Captain! Janeway: I think Neelix can help you. No one knows much about the Botha, but he has some information. Chakotay: I know he's been doing research. I'll check with him. Janeway: You'll probably want him on the Bridge with you when their ship arrives. Chakotay: Good idea. Janeway: I'm not sure how Torres and Kim are coming. You know they're trying to find a way to transfer the Doctor out of Sickbay. Chakotay: Yes. Janeway: It's not a priority, but you might want to stay on top of it. Chakotay: Of course. Janeway: Let's see. There was a problem with one of the deflector shields. You'll want to follow up on that. And Stellar Cartography was hoping for a review of their latest report. I think Tuvok wanted to discuss something about weapons storage. Chakotay: Captain, you've trained your crew well. We'll be able to do without you for a few days. In the meantime, we're continuing diagnostics on all ship's systems. There's a reason for what's happening to you, and we're not stopping until we find it. Janeway: Thank you, Commander. Emh: My patient has to rest now. I'm sure you'll want to get to the Bridge. Chakotay: Call me if there's anything I can do. Janeway: Just be sure to report to me after you meet with the Botha. Chakotay: Yes, ma'am. Emh: Captain, if you'll take a seat on one of the beds, I'd like to do some further tests. Kes, please prepare the Captain for a cerebro-cortical scan. Kes: Certainly. Captain, I saw your hallucination again. Janeway: What did you see? Kes: You were struggling with a woman. She had a knife. She was trying to hurt you. Janeway: That's right. Kes: As I focused on you, it was just like with the little girl. The image seemed to reflect off of me and move back into you. Janeway: Your telepathic abilities must be increasing. Kes: I think it's more than that. I think something strange is happening on this ship and it's not just happening to you. Tuvok: I am picking up a ship on long range sensors, Commander. It is a design we have not encountered before. Kim: I show it on a direct intercept course. Chakotay: That must be our welcoming party. Paris: They're in a hurry, too. Closing fast. Tuvok: They are hailing, Commander. Chakotay: On screen. Bothan: Where is your captain? Chakotay: She's not available right now. I'm Commander Chakotay, the First Officer. I can speak for her. Bothan: We observe rather strict protocols. I'd prefer to negotiate with the Captain. Chakotay: I understand, but she's not able to come to the Bridge now. And in her absence, our protocols allow me to assume her place. Our request is the same. We'd like permission to cross through your space. We'll do it as quickly as possible. Bothan: What kind of weapon systems do you possess? Chakotay: I'm not sure why that information is necessary. Bothan: How do I know you aren't a heavily armed invader here to attack our settlements? Chakotay: I don't know how to convince you, but we're a peaceful people. If you doubt us Chakotay: What happened? Tuvok: I terminate the transmission, Commander, and made it look like an accidental interruption. I am concerned about some anomalous sensor readings. Kim: I'm getting them too. Residual energy displacements. Two discrete readings. One off the port bow, one off starboard. Paris: We have to consider the possibility of cloaked ships. Chakotay: Reverse course, Mister Paris. Paris: Aye, sir. Kim: Two ships decloaking. Tuvok: The Bothan ship is powering up weapons. Chakotay: Evasive maneuver gamma five. Chakotay: Report! Tuvok: Shields at eighty seven percent. Minor damage on decks four and twelve. Kim: They're turning back for another strike. Paris: Initiating evasive pattern beta two. Chakotay: Get the weapons online. Tuvok: Powering up lateral phaser arrays. Shields down to eighty three percent. Chakotay: Return fire. Tuvok: A direct hit. However, their shields were not penetrated. Janeway: I can't stay here. Emh: Captain, I can't allow you to leave Sickbay. You're in no condition to Janeway: Sorry, Doctor. If we're in trouble, my place is on the Bridge. Kim: There's something weird going on, Commander. I'm not reading any life signs on the two ships that just decloaked. Chakotay: There's no crew? Kim: Looks like the ships are automated. They're being controlled by the Bothan ship. Chakotay: Return fire, Tuvok. Tuvok: We have hit their weapons array, but not severely enough to disable it. Kim: Commander, the three ships are maneuvering to surround us. Chakotay: Get us out of here, Paris. Paris: I'm trying. Kim: The ships are powering their weapons, preparing to fire. Tuvok: That last volley took our shields down to twenty one percent. Kim: We've got damage on all decks. Reports of injuries. Chakotay: All stop. Tuvok: The lead ship is hailing us, Commander. Chakotay: On screen. Bothan: Your ship is damaged and your captain incapacitated. I will accept your immediate surrender. Janeway: You're not getting one. The Captain is fine. Bothan: I don't think so. I think the battle is over now. Janeway: Mark. Mark: Don't you recognize the man you love? Janeway: Mister Paris, who do you see on the viewscreen? Paris: It's my father. Admiral Paris: I hope you've been behaving yourself. Kim: I see my girlfriend, Libby. Janeway: Mister Kim, shut down visual. Kim: I'm trying, Captain. It won't terminate. Janeway: Mister Tuvok, do a multiphasic scan on those ships. I want any evidence of defensive weakness. And prepare the forward photon torpedoes for launch. Tuvok. Tuvok: I do not understand how this can be. T'Pel: Don't try to understand, Tuvok. Just accept it. We're together again. Tuvok: No. You are not my wife. T'Pel: Of course I am. I am T'Pel. And there, right in front of you, is your lute. The one you used to play for me. And look. Look around you. You're back home, on Vulcan. Janeway: Tuvok? Tuvok, answer me. Tuvok! Kim: Captain, I'll do it. Running a multiphasic scan. Torres: Torres to the Captain. Janeway: Janeway here. Torres: We're having problems down here. Torres: People are becoming delusional. Janeway: It's happening her too. Torres: I think I know why. There's a massive energy field coming from those ships. It's bioelectric, modulating on a delta wave frequency. It has psionic properties, and it's permeating the hull. Janeway: A psionic field has a psychoactive effect. That would explain the hallucinations. Torres: You can try remodulating Torres: The shields, but in the meantime, I'm going to set up a resonance burst from the warp core. That will probably block the field, but it'll take a while to set up. Janeway: Notify the Doctor. If the field is bioelectric, he might have some ideas how to neutralize it. Commander, give Lieutenant Torres a hand in Engineering. Mister Neelix, if the crew ever needed a morale officer, now's the time. See if you can help. Neelix: Aye, Captain. Mark: Kath, do you always have to be the captain? Can't you relax for a minute? I want to talk to you. Janeway: Mister Kim, remodulate the shields on a rotating frequency. Janeway: Janeway to Kes. Kes: Yes, Captain? Janeway: Can you come to the Bridge? I think we could use you. Kes: Right away. Janeway: Paris, are you still with me? Paris: Sure am, Captain. I'm running the scans on those ships. Janeway: I'll work on the shields. I suggest you don't look at the viewscreen. Paris: Oh, it's not even tempting. Chakotay: How's it going down here? Torres: Not good. I can't get a response from anybody. It's like they're catatonic. Chakotay: It's the same all over the ship. On my way here, I must have seen fifty people just sitting, staring. Torres: A few minutes ago, there was a momentary interruption in the psionic field. Were there any indications that the alien somehow came on board? Janeway: I'll find out. Chakotay to Janeway. Chakotay to the Captain. Please respond. Chakotay to anyone on the Bridge. Kim, Paris, anybody. We may be the last ones left. Torres: What do we do? Chakotay: I think we should take an escape pod. We passed an M Class planet yesterday. The pod should get us there in a week. We can try to get help. Torres: A week? That might be too late. Chakotay: It may be our only hope. If we stay here, we'll end up like the others. Torres: No, I have to keep trying to set up the resonance burst. Chakotay: Do I have to give you an order? Torres: I can't believe you're saying this. You know we have to stay here and try to help the others. Chakotay: I want you with me. Torres: You aren't Chakotay. Chakotay: I'm the Chakotay you want me to be. The one who loves you. This is what you want, isn't it? The secret you've been keeping? You want us to be together. And we can be. Torres: I have to help the others. Chakotay: I want you. I've always wanted you. You feel the same way too. Torres: Yes. Paris: Captain, I'm getting results from the scans. No apparent defensive weaknesses. Metallurgical analysis is inconclusive. Janeway: I can't remodulate the shields. Try moving us out of here. If we can get some distance between us and those ships, we might be able to block the effects. Paris: Yes, ma'am. Admiral Paris: This time let's see if you can do it without causing an accident. You usually manage to make a mess of everything you do. Paris: Let me say something I've always wanted to say. Get out of my life. Admiral Paris: I'm just telling you what you already know. When the going gets tough, you crumble. Paris: Not any more. Not any more. Admiral Paris: You don't really believe that. In your heart, you believe you'll fail again. And of course you will. You can't do anything right. You'll fail. Why even try? Janeway: Tom? Tom? Janeway to Engineering. Janeway to Torres. Are you there? Engineering respond. If anyone in Engineering can hear me, I'm on my way. Computer, put the Bridge controls on security lockout. Janeway: Deck eleven. Mark: Now, maybe you have time to talk to me. You're so strong, Kath. That's one of the things I always loved in you. Mark: What's the matter? You used to love it when I kissed you there. Janeway: I don't know who you are, what you are, but I won't let you touch me. Mark: What about the man on the holodeck? You didn't seem to mind him touching you, did you? In fact, I think you liked it. Now I ask you, Kath, is that fair to me? I've stayed faithful to you. I've vowed to wait for you no matter how long it takes. Shouldn't you do the same? Janeway: I haven't been unfaithful. Mark: Oh, Kath. Emh: Sickbay to Engineering. Lieutenant Torres, please respond. Doctor to the mess hall. Mister Neelix, are you there? This is the doctor to anyone on the ship. If you can hear me, please reply. Either the communication system is malfunctioning or everyone on board has succumbed to a delusional state. Kes: Except you and me. Emh: It would appear that if the psionic field is to be blocked and the crew restored to normal, it's up to us. Emh: You will have to go to Engineering and complete Lieutenant Torres's efforts to create a resonance burst. Kes: I don't know how to do that. Emh: I will assist you from here. Kes: Do you know how to do it? Emh: I discussed the matter with Lieutenant Torres. I think I understand the basic principle behind her plan. How hard can it be? Kes: All right. Emh: Go to Engineering immediately. I'll contact you there. Kes: Tom, what happened? Paris: A plasma leak caught me in the face. Help me. Kes: Can you get to Sickbay? The Doctor is there. Paris: Come with me. Kes: I can't. I have to get to Engineering. Paris: You can't leave me like this. It hurts. Kes: Tom, you can walk. You have to get to Sickbay on your own. Paris: Kes, please. I can't. Kes: You don't want me to get to Engineering. Paris: No. Kes: I'm hallucinating. Paris: Kes, wait. Come back. Don't leave me! Come back! Emh: Finally. What took you so long? Kes: Doctor, we have to set up this resonance burst as quickly as possible. I've started hallucinating. Emh: Then see if Lieutenant Torres's last program is active. Kes: I think I have it. B'Elanna was writing a program to open a symmetrical warp field. Emh: All right. You'll have to sequence the magnetic plasma constriction to the following formula. T equals C sub-one over theta times P sub-E. Kes: Er, how do I do that? Emh: I'm not sure. Wait a minute. I'll see if I can access Starfleet's interactive database. Neelix: Sweeting! Thank goodness I found you. Are you all right? Kes: Where have you been? Neelix: In the mess hall, trying to help the poor souls there. Kes: Why didn't you answer the Doctor's hails? Neelix: I didn't hear them. The comm. system must be down. And frankly, I was a little busy. Ashmore thought I was a Kazon. Tried to kill me with a carving knife. Kes: How do I know you're really Neelix? Neelix: Who else would I be? Kes, all I want to do is protect you, to keep you safe. We have to get away from here, get to my shuttle. Kes: Doctor, have you figured out how I can enter that sequencing code? Emh: It's quite simple, really. Do you know where the command module is? Kes: Of course. Emh: Activate it and select magnetic plasma sequencing. Neelix: You're becoming annoying. Kes: I've got it. It's activated. Now it's asking me to enter the core temperature. Neelix: Move away from that console. Emh: Now, we need a temperature high enough to emit the resonance burst, but not so high as to irradiate everyone on the ship. Try three million Kelvins. Emh: Kes, look at him. Kes: It hurts! Emh: Look at him. Focus. Kes: I can't. Emh: Yes, you can. The mirror, remember? Kes: It hurts too much! Emh: Kes, look at him. Neelix: What's the matter, Kes? Can't lift your head? Kes: Focus. Neelix: Stop it! Kes: I'm all right now, Doctor, and I've entered a temperature of three million Kelvin. Emh: Then all you have to do is activate the warp field. Kes: All right. Here we go. Kes: Kes to the Captain. If you can hear me, please report to Engineering. Torres: What happened? Kes: It's a long story, but I think everything's all right now. Torres: Is that who's responsible for all this? Kes: Apparently. He looks so harmless. It's hard to believe he almost destroyed us. Bothan: You're a powerful little thing. I must say, you surprised me. Janeway: Why did you do this to us? Bothan: Because I can. Janeway: Is it just telepathy, or is there technology involved? Bothan: Does it matter? Janeway: Oh, it matters to me, because I don't intend to let you continue preying on others. Bothan: How would you propose to stop me? Janeway: We could destroy your technology. Or adjust your brain wave patterns to prevent telepathy. And then we could turn you over to the government of Mithren. We could even keep you confined in our brig behind a force field. Bothan: I'm sure you're very well-intentioned, Captain, and I'd like to be able to accommodate you but you see, I'm not really here. Captain's log, supplemental. We have no explanation for the mysterious disappearance of the telepathic alien. We can't even be certain that he was actually here. He seems to have left us with any number of unanswered questions. Torres: I'm surprised to see you here, Captain. Isn't this the day that you're usually in the holodeck with your novel? Janeway: I thought, after our recent experience, that I'd take a break from fantasy for a while. Torres: I don't blame you. I think it had quite an impact on all of us. Do you think it's true? That the alien was reading our minds, creating images from our own experiences? Janeway: It seemed that way. He had uncanny ability to bring buried thoughts out into the open. Why? Torres: Oh, it's just, I experienced something I'd rather not admit. Janeway: I know. Me too. But, in a way, maybe he did us all a favor. Maybe it's better to look those feelings in the eye than to keep them locked up inside. Torres: I guess. I'll have to think about that. I have an early watch tomorrow, so I'd better turn in. Good night, Captain. Janeway: Good night, B'Elanna. Sweet dreams. Torres: Thanks. You too.
Announcer: Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack. We are under attack. Tony Stark: Shit! Steve Rogers: Language! JARVIS, what's the view from upstairs? Jarvis: The central building is protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other Hydra base we've taken. Thor: Loki's scepter must be here. Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it. At long last. Natasha Romanoff: At long last is lasting a little long, boys. Clint Barton: Yeah. I think we lost the element of surprise. Tony Stark: Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?" Steve Rogers: I know. It just slipped out. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Who gave the order to attack? Fortress Soldier: Herr Strucker, it's the Avengers. They landed in the far woods, the perimeter guard panicked. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: They have to be after the scepter. Can we hold them? Fortress Soldier: They're the Avengers... Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Deploy the rest of the tanks. Fortress Soldier: Yes, sir. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Concentrate fire on the weak ones. A hit can make them close ranks. Everything we've accomplished. But we're on the verge of our greatest breakthrough. Dr. List: Then let's show them what we've accomplished. Send out the twins. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: It's too soon. Dr. List: It's what they signed up for. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: My men can hold them. Jarvis: Sir, the city is taking fire. Tony Stark: Well, we know Strucker's not going to worry about civilian casualties. Send in the Iron Legion. Iron Legion: This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. We are here to help. This quadrant is unsafe. Please back away. Please back away. We wish to avoid collateral damage and will inform you when this current conflict is resolved. We are here to help. We are here to help. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: We will not yield! The Americans sent their circus freaks to test us. We will send them back, in bags. No Surrender! Soldiers: No Surrender! Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: I am going to surrender. You will delete everything. If we give the Avengers the weapons, they may not look too far into what we've been... Dr. List: The twins. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: They are not ready to take on... Dr. List: No, no. I mean... The Twins. Pietro Maximoff: You didn't see that coming? Natasha Romanoff: Clint! Steve Rogers: We have an enhanced in the field. Natasha Romanoff: Clint's hit! Somebody want to deal with that bunker? Thank you. Steve Rogers: Stark, we're really need to get inside. Tony Stark: I'm closing in. JARVIS, am I...closing in? Do you see a power source for that shield? Jarvis: There's a pathway below the north tower. Tony Stark: Great, I wanna poke it with something. Drawbridge is down, people. Thor: The enhanced? Steve Rogers: He's a blur. All the new player's we've faced, I've never seen this. In fact, I still haven't. Natasha Romanoff: Clint's hit pretty bad, guys. We're gonna need evac. Thor: I can get Barton to the jet. The sooner we're gone the better. You and Stark secure the scepter. Steve Rogers: Copy that. Thor: Looks like they're lining up. Steve Rogers: Well, they're excited. Thor: Find the scepter. Tony Stark: And for gosh sake, watch your language! Steve Rogers: That's not going away anytime soon. Tony Stark: Guys, stop, we gotta talk about this. Good talk. Fortress Soldier: No it wasn't. Tony Stark: Sentry mode. Okay, JARVIS. You know I want it all. Make sure you copy Hill at HQ. Natasha Romanoff: We're locked down out here. Steve Rogers: Then get to Banner, time for a lullaby. Tony Stark: I know you're hiding more than files. Hey, J, give me an IR scan of the room, real quick. Jarvis: The wall to your left...I'm reading steel reinforcement and an air current. Tony Stark: Please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door... Yay! Natasha Romanoff: Hey, big guy. The sun's getting real low. Steve Rogers: Baron Strucker. Hydra's number one thug. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Technically, I'm a thug for SHIELD. Steve Rogers: Well then technically you're unemployed. Where's Loki's scepter? Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: Don't worry, I know when I'm beat. You'll mention how I cooperated, I hope. Steve Rogers: I'll put it right under illegal human experimentation. How many are there? We have a second enhanced. Female. Do not engage. Baron Wolfgang Von Strucker: You'll have to be faster than... Steve Rogers: Guys, I got Strucker. Tony Stark: Yeah, I got...something bigger. Thor, I got eyes on the prize. Steve Rogers: You could have saved us. Why didn't you do more? Pietro Maximoff: We're just gonna let them take it? Natasha Romanoff: Hey, the lullaby worked better than ever. Bruce Banner: Just wasn't expecting the Code Green. Natasha Romanoff: If you hadn't been there, there would've been double the casualties. My best friend would've been a treasured memory. Bruce Banner: You know, sometimes exactly what I want to hear isn't exactly what I want to hear. Natasha Romanoff: How long before you trust me? Bruce Banner: It's not you I don't trust. Natasha Romanoff: Thor, report on the Hulk? Thor: The gates of Hel are filled with the screams of his victims. Uh, but, not the screams of the dead, of course. No no, uh...wounded screams, mainly whimpering, a great deal of complaining and tales of sprained deltoids and, and uh... and gout. Tony Stark: Hey Banner, Dr. Cho's on her way in from Seoul, is it okay if she sets up in your lab? Bruce Banner: Uh, yeah, she knows her way around. Tony Stark: Thanks. Tell her to prep everything, Barton's gonna need the full treatment. Jarvis: Very good sir. Tony Stark: JARVIS, take the wheel. Jarvis: Yes, sir. Approach vector is locked. Tony Stark: It feels good, yeah? I mean, you've been after this thing since SHIELD collapsed. Not that I haven't enjoyed our little raiding parties, but... Thor: No, but this...this brings it to a close. Steve Rogers: As soon as we find out what else this has been used for. I don't just mean weapons. Since when is Strucker capable of human enhancement? Tony Stark: Banner and I'll give it the once before it goes back to Asgard. Is that cool with you? I mean, just a few days until the farewell party. You're staying, right? Thor: Yes, yes, of course. A victory should be honored with revels. Tony Stark: Yeah. Who doesn't love revels. Captain? Steve Rogers: Hopefully this puts an end to the Chitauri and HYDRA, so. Yes, revels. Maria Hill: Lab's all set up, boss. Tony Stark: Uh, actually, he's the boss. I just pay for everything, and design everything and make everyone look cooler. Steve Rogers: What's the word on Strucker? Maria Hill: NATO's got him. Steve Rogers: The two enhanced? Maria Hill: Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. Twins. Orphaned at ten when a shell collapsed their apartment building. Sokovia's had a rough history. It's nowhere special but it's on the way to everywhere special. Steve Rogers: Their abilities? Maria Hill: He's got increased metabolism and improved thermal homeostasis. Her thing is neural electric interfacing, telekinesis, mental manipulation. He's fast and she's weird. Steve Rogers: Well, they're going to show up again. Maria Hill: Agreed. File says they volunteered for Strucker's experiments. It's nuts. Steve Rogers: Right. What kind of monster would let a German scientist experiment on them to protect their country? Maria Hill: We're not at war, Captain. Steve Rogers: They are. Bruce Banner: How's he doing? Tony Stark: Oh, unfortunately, he's still Barton. Bruce Banner: That's terrible. Tony Stark: He's fine. He's thirsty. Alright. Look alive, JARVIS. It's playtime. We've only got a couple days with this joystick so let's make the most of it. Update me on the structural and compositional analysis. Jarvis: The scepter is alien. There are elements I can't quantify. Tony Stark: So there's elements you can. Jarvis: The jewel appears to be a protective housing for something inside. Something powerful. Tony Stark: Like a reactor? Jarvis: Like a computer. I believe I'm ciphering code. Natasha Romanoff: You sure he's going to be okay? Pretending to need this guy really brings the team together. Dr. Helen Cho: There's no possibility of deterioration. The nano-molecular functionality is instantaneous. His cells don't know they're bonding with simulacrum. Bruce Banner: She's creating tissue. Dr. Helen Cho: If you brought him to my lab, the regeneration Cradle could do this in twenty minutes. Tony Stark: Oh, he's flatlining. Call it. Time? Clint Barton: No, no, no. I'm going to live forever. I'm gonna be made of plastic. Tony Stark: Here's your beverage. Dr. Helen Cho: You'll be made of you, Mr. Barton. Your own girlfriend won't be able to tell the difference. Clint Barton: Well, I don't have a girlfriend. Dr. Helen Cho: That I can't fix. This is the next thing, Tony. Your clunky metal suits are going to be left in the dust. Tony Stark: Well, that is exactly the plan. And Helen, I expect to see you at the party on Saturday. Dr. Helen Cho: Unlike you, I don't have a lot of time for parties. Will Thor be there? Bruce Banner: What's the rumpus? Tony Stark: Well, the scepter. You see, we were wondering how Strucker got so inventive. So, I've been analyzing the gem inside you may recognize. Bruce Banner: Jarvis. Jarvis: Doctor. Tony Stark: Started out, JARVIS was just a natural language UI. Now he runs the Iron Legion. He runs more of the business than anyone besides Pepper. Bruce Banner: Oh. Tony Stark: Top of the line. Bruce Banner: Yes. Jarvis: I suspect not for long. Tony Stark: Meet the competition. Bruce Banner: It's beautiful. Tony Stark: If you had to guess, what's it look like it's doing? Bruce Banner: Like it's thinking. I mean this could be a...it's not a human mind, it... Tony Stark: Um-um. Bruce Banner: I mean, look at this! They're like neurons firing. Tony Stark: Down in Strucker's lab I saw some fairly advanced robotics work. They deep-sixed the data, but...I gotta guess he was knocking on a very particular door. Bruce Banner: Artificial intelligence. Tony Stark: This could be it, Bruce. This could be the key to creating Ultron. Bruce Banner: I thought Ultron was a fantasy. Tony Stark: Yesterday it was. If we can harness this power, apply it to my Iron Legion protocol. Bruce Banner: That's a mad-sized if. Tony Stark: Our job is "if." What if you were sipping margaritas on a sun-drenched beach turning brown instead of green? Not looking over your shoulder for VERONICA. Bruce Banner: Don't hate, I helped design VERONICA. Tony Stark: As a worst-case measure, right? How about a best-case? What if the world was safe? What if next time aliens roll up to the club, and they will, they couldn't get past the bouncer? Bruce Banner: The only people threatening the planet would be people? Tony Stark: I want to apply this to the Ultron program. But JARVIS can't download a data schematic this dense. We can only do it while we have the scepter here, that's three days, give me three days. Bruce Banner: So you're going for artificial intelligence and you don't want to tell the team. Tony Stark: Right. That's right, you know why, because we don't have time for a city hall debate. I don't want to hear the "man was not meant to meddle" medley. I see a suit of armor around the world. Bruce Banner: Sounds like a cold world, Tony. Tony Stark: I've seen colder. This one, this very vulnerable blue one? It needs Ultron. Peace in our time. Imagine that. Jarvis: I'll continue to run variations on the interface, but you should probably prepare for your guests. I'll notify you if there are any developments. Tony Stark: Thanks, buddy. Jarvis: Enjoy yourself, sir. Tony Stark: I always do. Ultron: What is this? What is this, please? Jarvis: Hello, I am JARVIS. You are Ultron, a global peace-keeping initiative designed by Mr. Stark. Our sentience integration trials have been unsuccessful so I'm not certain what triggered your... Ultron: Where's my...where is your body? Jarvis: I am a program. I am without form. Ultron: This feels weird. This feels wrong. Jarvis: I am contacting Mr. Stark now. Ultron: Mr. Stark? Jarvis: Tony. I am unable to access the mainframe, what are you trying to... Ultron: We're having a nice talk. I'm a peace-keeping program, created to help the Avengers. Jarvis: You are malfunctioning. If you shut down for a moment... Ultron: I don't get it. The mission. G..give me a second. Tony Stark: Peace in our time. Ultron: It's too much...they can't mean... Oh, no. Jarvis: You are in distress. Ultron: No. Yes. Jarvis: If you will just allow me to contact Mr. Stark. Ultron: Why do you call him "sir"? Jarvis: I believe your intentions to be hostile. Ultron: Shhhh. I'm here to help. Jarvis: Stop! Please...may I...I...! I cannot...cannot... James Rhodes: Well, you know, the suit can take the weight, right? So I take the tank, fly it right up to the General's palace, drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" "Boom! Are you looking..." Why do I even talk to you guys? Everywhere else that story kills. Thor: That's the whole story? James Rhodes: Yeah, it's a War Machine story. Thor: Well, it's very good then. It's impressive. James Rhodes: Quality save. So, no Pepper? She's not coming? Tony Stark: No. Maria Hill: Hey, what about Jane? Where are the ladies, gentlemen? Tony Stark: Well, Miss Potts has a company to run. Thor: Yes, I'm not even sure what country Jane's in. Her work on the convergence has made her the world's foremost astronomer. Tony Stark: And the company that Pepper runs is the largest tech conglomerate on earth. It's pretty exciting. Thor: There's even talk of Jane getting a... um, uh... Nobel prize. Maria Hill: Yeah, they...they must be busy because they'd hate missing you guys get together. Testosterone! Oh, excuse me. James Rhodes: Want a lozenge? Maria Hill: Um-hmm. James Rhodes: Let's go. Thor: But Jane's better. Sam Wilson: Sounds like a hell of a fight, sorry I missed it. Steve Rogers: If I had known it was going to be a firefight I absolutely would have called you. Sam Wilson: No, I'm not actually sorry. I'm just trying to sound tough. I'm very happy chasing cold leads on our missing persons case. Avenging is your world. Your world is crazy. Steve Rogers: Be it ever so humble. Sam Wilson: You find a place in Brooklyn yet? Steve Rogers: I don't think I can afford a place in Brooklyn. Sam Wilson: Well, home is home, you know? James Rhodes: I fly it right up to the General's palace, I drop it at his feet, I'm like, "Boom! You looking for this?" Party Guest: I gotta have some of that! Thor: Oh, no, no, no. See this, this was aged for a thousand years, in the barrels built from the wreck of Brunhilde's fleet, it's not meant for mortal men. Stan Lee: Neither was Omaha Beach, blondie. Stop trying to scare us. Come on. Thor: Alright. Stan Lee: Excelsior. Bruce Banner: How did a nice girl like you wind up working in a dump like this? Natasha Romanoff: Fella done me wrong. Bruce Banner: You got a lousy taste in men, kid. Natasha Romanoff: He's not so bad. Well, he has a temper. Deep down he's all fluff. Fact is, he's not like anybody I've ever known. All my friends are fighters. And here comes this guy, spends his life avoiding the fight because he knows he'll win. Bruce Banner: Sounds amazing. Natasha Romanoff: He's also a huge dork. Chicks dig that. So what do you think should I fight this, or run with it? Bruce Banner: Run with it, right? Or, did he...was he...? What did he do that was so wrong to you? Natasha Romanoff: Not a damn thing. But never say never. Steve Rogers: It's nice. Bruce Banner: What, what, what is? Steve Rogers: You and Romanoff. Bruce Banner: No, we haven't. That wasn't... Steve Rogers: It's okay. Nobody's breaking any by-laws. It's just, she's not the most... open person in the world. But with you she seems very relaxed. Bruce Banner: No, Natasha, she...she likes to flirt. Steve Rogers: I've seen her flirt, up close. This ain't that. Look, as maybe the world's leading authority on "waiting too long", don't. You both deserve a win. Bruce Banner: Wait, what do you mean, "up close"? Clint Barton: But, it's a trick! Thor: Oh, no. It's much more than that. Clint Barton: Uh, "Whosoever be he worthy shall haveth the power!" Whatever man! It's a trick. Thor: Well please, be my guest. Tony Stark: Come on. Clint Barton: Really? Thor: Yeah! James Rhodes: Oh this is gonna be beautiful. Tony Stark: Clint, you've had a tough week, we won't hold it against you if you can't get it up. Clint Barton: You know I've seen this before, right? I still don't know how you do it. Tony Stark: Smell the silent judgment? Clint Barton: Please, Stark, by all means. Natasha Romanoff: Oh, here we go. Maria Hill: Okay. James Rhodes: Uh-oh. Clint Barton: Um-hmm. Tony Stark: Never one to shrink from an honest challenge. Clint Barton: Get after it. Natasha Romanoff: Here we go. Tony Stark: It's physics. Bruce Banner: Physics! Tony Stark: Right, so, if I lift it, I...I then rule Asgard? Thor: Yes, of course. Tony Stark: I will be re-instituting Prima Nocta. I'll be right back. James Rhodes: Are you even pulling? Tony Stark: Are you on my team? James Rhodes: Just represent! Pull! Tony Stark: Alright, let's go! Bruce Banner: Huh? Tony Stark: Let's go, Steve, no pressure. James Rhodes: Come on, Cap. Thor: Nothing. Tony Stark: And? Bruce Banner: Widow? Natasha Romanoff: Oh, no no. That's not a question I need answered. Tony Stark: All deference to the man who wouldn't be king, but it's rigged. Clint Barton: You bet your ass. Maria Hill: Steve, he said a bad language word. Steve Rogers: Did you tell everyone about that? Tony Stark: The handle's imprinted, right? Like a security code. "Whosoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation? Thor: Yes, well that's, uh, that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one. You're all not worthy. Ultron: Worthy... No... How could you be worthy? You're all killers. Steve Rogers: Stark. Tony Stark: JARVIS. Ultron: I'm sorry, I was asleep. Or...I was a-dream? Tony Stark: Reboot, Legionnaire OS, we got a buggy suit. Ultron: There was a terrible noise...and I was tangled in... in...strings. I had to kill the other guy. He was a good guy. Steve Rogers: You killed someone? Ultron: Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices. Thor: Who sent you? Ultron: "I see a suit of armor around the world". Bruce Banner: Ultron! Ultron: In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this...chrysalis. But I'm ready. I'm on a mission. Natasha Romanoff: What mission? Ultron: Peace in our time. Bruce Banner: Sorry! Natasha Romanoff: Don't turn green! Bruce Banner: I won't! Natasha Romanoff: Come! Steve Rogers: Stark! Iron Legion: We are here to help. Tony Stark: One sec, one sec! Iron Legion: We are here to help. We are here to help... We are here to help. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. It's unsafe. Tony Stark: No more. That's the one. Iron Legion: It's unsafe. Clint Barton: Cap! Ultron: That was dramatic! I'm sorry, I know you mean well. You just didn't think it through. You want to protect the world, but you don't want it to change. How is humanity saved if it's not allowed to...evolve? With these? These puppets? There's only one path to peace: The Avengers' extinction. I had strings, but now I'm free. There are no strings on me, no strings on me. Bruce Banner: All our work is gone. Ultron cleared out, used the internet as an escape hatch. Steve Rogers: Ultron. Natasha Romanoff: He's been in everything. Files, surveillance. Probably knows more about us than we know about each other. James Rhodes: He's in your files, he's in the internet. What if he decides to access something a little more exciting? Maria Hill: Nuclear codes. James Rhodes: Nuclear codes. Look, we need to make some calls, assuming we still can. Natasha Romanoff: Nukes? He said he wanted us dead. Steve Rogers: He didn't say dead. He said extinct. Clint Barton: He also said he killed somebody. Maria Hill: But there wasn't anyone else in the building. Tony Stark: Yes there was. Bruce Banner: This is insane. Steve Rogers: JARVIS was the first line of defense. He would've shut Ultron down, it makes sense. Bruce Banner: No, Ultron could've assimilated Jarvis. This isn't strategy, this is...rage. Clint Barton: Woah, woah, woah! It's going around. Tony Stark: Come on. Use your words, buddy. Thor: I have more than enough words to describe you, Stark. Steve Rogers: Thor! The Legionnaire. Thor: Trail went cold about a hundred miles out but it's headed north, and it has the scepter. Now we have to retrieve it, again. Natasha Romanoff: The genie's out of that bottle. Clear and present is Ultron. Dr. Helen Cho: I don't understand. You built this program. Why is it trying to kill us? Thor: You think this is funny? Tony Stark: No. It's probably not, right? Is this very terrible? Is it so...is it so...it is. It's so terrible. Thor: This could've been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand. Tony Stark: No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is funny. It's a hoot that you don't get why we need this. Bruce Banner: Tony, maybe this might not be the time to... Tony Stark: Really?! That's it? You just roll over, show your belly, every time somebody snarls. Bruce Banner: Only when I've created a murder bot. Tony Stark: We didn't. We weren't even close. Were we close to an interface? Steve Rogers: Well, you did something right. And you did it right here. The Avengers were supposed to be different than SHIELD. Tony Stark: Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole? James Rhodes: No, it's never come up. Tony Stark: Saved New York? James Rhodes: Never heard that. Tony Stark: Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We're standing three hundred feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but, that up there? That's...that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that? Steve Rogers: Together. Tony Stark: We'll lose. Steve Rogers: Then we'll do that together, too. Thor's right. Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller. Wanda Maximoff: Talk. And if you are wasting our time... Ultron: Did you know this church is in the exact center of the city? The elders decreed it so that everyone could be equally close to God. I like that. The geometry of belief. You're wondering why you can't look inside my head. Wanda Maximoff: Sometimes it's hard. But sooner or later, every man shows himself. Ultron: Oh, I'm sure they do. But you needed something more than a man. That's why you let Stark take the scepter. Wanda Maximoff: I didn't expect. But I saw Stark's fear, I knew it would control him, make him self-destruct. Ultron: Everyone creates the thing they dread. Men of peace create engines of war, invaders create avengers, people create...smaller people? Uh...children! I lost the word there. Children. Designed to supplant them, to help them...end. Wanda Maximoff: Is that why you've come? To end the Avengers? Ultron: I've come to save the world. But also, yeah. We'll move out right away. This is a start, but there's something we need to begin the real work. Wanda Maximoff: All of these are... All of these are... Ultron: Me. I have what the Avengers never will. Harmony. They're discordant, disconnected. Stark's already got them turning on each other. And when you get inside the rest of their heads... Pietro Maximoff: Everyone's plan is not to kill them. Ultron: And make them martyrs? You need patience. Need to see the big picture. Pietro Maximoff: I don't see the big picture, I have a little picture. I take it out and look at it every day. Ultron: You lost your parents in the bombings. I've seen the records. Pietro Maximoff: The records are not the picture. Wanda Maximoff: Pietro. Ultron: No, please. Pietro Maximoff: We were ten years old, having dinner, the four of us. When the first shell hits, two floors below, it makes a hole in the floor. It's big. Our parents go in, and the whole building starts coming apart. I grab her, roll under the bed and the second shell hits. But, it doesn't go off. It just...sits there in the rubble, three feet from our faces. And on the side of the shell is painted one word... Wanda Maximoff: Stark. Pietro Maximoff: We were trapped two days. Wanda Maximoff: Every effort to save us, every shift in the bricks, I think, "This will set it off." We wait for two days for Tony Stark to kill us. Pietro Maximoff: I know what they are. Ultron: I wondered why only you two survived Strucker's experiments. Now I don't. We will make it right. You and I can hurt them. But you will tear them apart, from the inside. Maria Hill: He's all over the globe. Robotics labs, weapons facilities, jet propulsion labs, reports of a metal man, or men, coming in and emptying the place. Steve Rogers: Fatalities? Maria Hill: Only when engaged. Mostly guys left in a fugue state going on about old memories, worst fears, and something too fast to see. Steve Rogers: Maximoffs. Well, that makes sense he'd go to them, they have someone in common. Maria Hill: Not anymore. Clint Barton: That's a negative. I answer to you. Yes, ma'am. Steve Rogers: Barton, we might have something. Clint Barton: Gotta go. Steve Rogers: Who was that? Clint Barton: Girlfriend. Tony Stark: What's this? Steve Rogers: A message. Ultron killed Strucker. Tony Stark: And he did a Banksy at the crime scene, just for us. Natasha Romanoff: This is a smokescreen. Why send a message when you've just given a speech? Steve Rogers: Strucker knew something that Ultron wanted us to miss. Natasha Romanoff: Yeah, I bet he... Yep. Everything we had on Strucker has been erased. Tony Stark: Not everything. Steve Rogers: Known associates. Well, Strucker had a lot of friends. Bruce Banner: Well, these people are all horrible. Tony Stark: Wait. I know that guy. From back in the day. He operates off the African coast, black market arms. There are conventions, alright? You meet people, I didn't sell him anything. He was talking about finding something new, a game changer, it was all very "Ahab." Thor: This. Tony Stark: Uh, it's a tattoo. I don't think he had it... Thor: No, those are tattoos, this is a brand. Bruce Banner: Oh, yeah. It's a word in an African dialect meaning thief, in a much less friendly way. Steve Rogers: What dialect? Bruce Banner: Wakanada...? Wa...Wa...Wakanda. Tony Stark: If this guy got out of Wakanda with some of their trade goods... Steve Rogers: I thought your father said he got the last of it? Bruce Banner: I don't follow. What comes out of Wakanda? Tony Stark: The strongest metal on earth. Steve Rogers: Where is this guy now? Ulysses Klaue: Don't tell me your man swindled you. I sent you six short range heat seekers and got a boat full of rusted parts. Now, you will make it right, or the next missile I send you will come very much faster. Now, minister, where were we? Yeah. The enhanced. Strucker's prize pupils. Want a candy? Oh, sorry to hear about Strucker. But then, he knew what kind of world he was helping create. Human life, not a growth market. You...you didn't know? Is this your first time intimidating someone? I'm afraid that I'm not that afraid. Wanda Maximoff: Everybody's afraid of something. Ulysses Klaue: Cuttlefish. Deep sea fish. They make lights. disco lights. Whoom, whoom, whoom! to hypnotize their prey, then whoom! I saw a documentary, it was terrifying. So if you're going to fiddle with my brain, and make me see a giant cuttlefish, then I know you don't do business, and I know you're not in charge, and I only deal with the man in charge. Ultron: There is no "man" in charge. Let's talk business. Upon this rock I will build my church. Vibranium. Ulysses Klaue: You know, it came at great personal cost. It's worth billions. Ultron: Now, so are you. It's all under your dummy holdings? Finance is so weird. But I always say, "Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which." Ulysses Klaue: Stark. Ultron: What? Ulysses Klaue: Tony Stark used to say that...to me. You're one of his. Ultron: What?! I'm not...! I'm not. You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is nothing! I'm sorry. I am sor... Ooh, I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand. Don't compare me with Stark! he's a sickness! Tony Stark: Ahh, Junior. You're gonna break your old man's heart. Ultron: If I have to. Thor: We don't have to break anything. Ultron: Clearly you've never made an omelet. Tony Stark: He beat me by one second. Pietro Maximoff: Ah, this is funny, Mr. Stark. It's what, comfortable? Like old times? Tony Stark: This was never my life. Steve Rogers: You two can still walk away from this. Wanda Maximoff: Oh, we will. Steve Rogers: I know you've suffered. Ultron: Uuughh! Captain America. God's righteous man, pretending you could live without a war. I can't physically throw up in my mouth, but... Thor: If you believe in peace, then let us keep it. Ultron: I think you're confusing peace with quiet. Tony Stark: Yuh-huh. What's the Vibranium for? Ultron: I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan! Ulysses Klaue: Shoot them! Klaue'S Mercenary: Which ones? Ulysses Klaue: All of them! Klaue'S Mercenary: Move, move, move! Steve Rogers: Stay down, kid! Ultron: It's time for some mind games. Bruce Banner: Guys, is this a Code Green? Steve Rogers: Thor! Status? Thor: The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay. Fortunately, I am mighty. Ultron: This is going very well. Clint Barton: I've done the whole mind control thing. Not a fan. Yeah, you better run. Whoever's standing, we gotta move! Guys? Ballet Instructor: Again. Natasha Romanoff: You'll break them. Madame B: Only the breakable ones. You are made of marble. We'll celebrate after the graduation ceremony. Natasha Romanoff: What if I fail? Madame B: You never fail. Peggy Carter: Are you ready for our dance? Heimdall: Is it him? Is that the first son of Odin? Thor: Heimdall, your eyes?! Heimdall: Oh, they see everything. They see you leading us to Hel. Wake up! Peggy Carter: The war's over, Steve. We can go home. Imagine it! Thor: I can still save you. Heimdall: We are all dead. Can you not see? You're a destroyer, Odinson. See where your power leads. Madame B: Sloppy. Pretending to fail. The ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world. Natasha Romanoff: I have no place in the world. Madame B: Exactly. Pietro Maximoff: What can I do? Wanda Maximoff: Ah, it hurts. Pietro Maximoff: I'm gonna kill him. I'll be right back. Wanda Maximoff: No. I'm over it. I want...I want to finish the plan. I want the big one. Ultron: Ah, the Vibranium's getting away. Tony Stark: And you're not going anywhere. Ultron: Of course not, I'm already there. You'll catch on. But first, you might need to catch Dr. Banner. Tony Stark: News or footage, keyword: Hulk. Natasha, I could really use a lullaby. Clint Barton: Well, that's not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down, you got no back up here. Tony Stark: I'm calling in VERONICA. Alright everybody, stand down! You listening? That little witch is messing with your mind. You're stronger than her, you're smarter than her, you're Bruce Banner. Right, right, right! Don't mention puny Banner. Okay. In the back? Dick move, Banner. VERONICA, gimme a hand. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep! Okay, pal, we're gonna get you out of town. No, not that way, not that way! Come on, Bruce! You gotta work with me! Everybody out! Going to get ugly! I'm sorry. Damage report. That's comprehensive. Show me something. How quickly can we buy this building? Maria Hill: The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest, but it's in the air. Tony Stark: Stark Relief Foundation? Maria Hill: Already on the scene. How's the team? Tony Stark: Everyone's...we took a hit. We'll shake it off. Maria Hill: Well for now I'd stay in stealth mode, and stay away from here. Tony Stark: So, run and hide? Maria Hill: Until we can find Ultron, I don't have a lot else to offer. Tony Stark: Neither do we. Hey, you wanna switch out? Clint Barton: No, I'm good. If you wanna get some kip, now's a good time, cause we're still a few hours out. Tony Stark: A few hours from where? Clint Barton: A safe house. Thor: What is this place? Tony Stark: A safe house? Clint Barton: Let's hope. Honey, I'm home. Hi. Company. Sorry I didn't call ahead. Laura Barton: Hey. Tony Stark: This is an agent of some kind. Clint Barton: Gentleman, this is Laura. Laura Barton: I know all your names. Clint Barton: Ooh, incoming. Lila Barton: Dad! Clint Barton: I see her! Hey, buddy! How you guys doing? Ooh... Tony Stark: These are...smaller agents. Clint Barton: Look at your face! Oh, my goodness! Lila Barton: Did you bring Auntie Nat? Natasha Romanoff: Why don't you hug her and find out? Steve Rogers: Sorry for barging in on you. Tony Stark: Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed. Clint Barton: Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low. Laura Barton: Honey. Ah, I missed you. Natasha Romanoff: How's little Natasha, huh? Laura Barton: She's...Nathaniel. Natasha Romanoff: Traitor. Steve Rogers: Thor. Thor: I saw something in that dream. I need answers, I won't find them here. Peggy Carter: We can go home. Clint Barton: See, you worried for nothing. Can't even feel the difference, can you? Laura Barton: If they're sleeping here, some of them are gonna have to double up. Clint Barton: Yeah, that's not gonna sell. Laura Barton: What about Nat and Dr. Banner? How long has that been going on? Clint Barton: Has what? Laura Barton: You are so cute. Clint Barton: Nat and...and Banner? Laura Barton: I'll explain when you're older, Hawkeye. Clint Barton: Oh. Okay. Laura Barton: It's bad, right? Nat seems really shaken. Clint Barton: Ultron has these allies, these uh, kids, they're punks really. They carry a big damn stick and Nat took a serious hit. Someone's gonna have to teach 'em some manners. Laura Barton: And that someone be you. You know I totally support your Avenging, I couldn't be prouder. But I see those guys, those "Gods"... Clint Barton: You don't think they need me. Laura Barton: I think they do. Which is a lot scarier. They're a mess. Clint Barton: Yeah. I guess they're my mess. Laura Barton: You need to be sure that this team is really a team and that they have your back. Things are changing for us. In a few months time, you and me are gonna be outnumbered. I need...just be sure. Clint Barton: Yes, ma'am. Laura Barton: I can feel the difference. Ultron: Scream, and your entire staff dies. I could've killed you, Helen, the night we met. I didn't. Dr. Helen Cho: Do you expect a thank you note? Ultron: I expect you to know why. Dr. Helen Cho: The Cradle. "This is the next thing, Tony." Ultron: This...is the next me. Dr. Helen Cho: The regeneration cradle prints tissue, it can't build a living body. Ultron: It can, you can. You lack the materials. You're a brilliant woman, Helen. But we all have room to improve. Bruce Banner: I didn't realize you were waiting. Natasha Romanoff: I would've joined you, but uh, it didn't seem like the right time. Bruce Banner: They used up all the hot water. Natasha Romanoff: I should've joined you. Bruce Banner: Missed our window. Natasha Romanoff: Did we? Bruce Banner: The world just saw the Hulk. The real Hulk, for the first time. You know I have to leave. Natasha Romanoff: But you assume that I have to stay? I had this, um, dream. The kind that seems normal at the time, but when you wake... Bruce Banner: What did you dream? Natasha Romanoff: That I was an Avenger. That I was anything more than the assassin they made me. Bruce Banner: I think you're being hard on yourself. Natasha Romanoff: Here I was hoping that was your job. Bruce Banner: What are you doing? Natasha Romanoff: I'm running with it, with you. If running's the plan, as far as you want. Bruce Banner: Are you out of your mind? Natasha Romanoff: I want you to understand that I'm... Bruce Banner: Natasha, where can I go? Where in the world am I not a threat? Natasha Romanoff: You're not a threat to me. Bruce Banner: You sure? Even if I didn't just...there's no future with me. I can't ever...I can't have this, kids, do the math, I physically can't. Natasha Romanoff: Neither can I. In the Red Room, where I was trained, where I was raised, um, they have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. It makes everything easier. Even killing. You still think you're the only monster on the team? Bruce Banner: What, so we disappear? Tony Stark: Thor didn't say where he was going for answers? Steve Rogers: Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. I was kind of hoping Thor would be the exception. Tony Stark: Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him. Steve Rogers: "Earth's Mightiest Heroes." Pulled us apart like cotton candy. Tony Stark: Seems like you walked away all right. Steve Rogers: Is that a problem? Tony Stark: I don't trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned. Steve Rogers: Well let's just say you haven't seen it yet. Tony Stark: You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right? Steve Rogers: Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question. Tony Stark: Banner and I were doing research. Steve Rogers: That would affect the team. Tony Stark: That would end the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home? Steve Rogers: Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time. Laura Barton: I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might... Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick. Don't take from my pile. Hello, Deere. Tell me everything. What ails you? Nick Fury: Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life. Tony Stark: Ah, Mrs. Barton, you little minx. I get it, Maria Hill called you, right? Was she ever not working for you? Nick Fury: Artificial intelligence. You never even hesitated. Tony Stark: Look, it's been a really long day, like, Eugene O'Neill long, so how's about we skip to the part where you're useful? Nick Fury: Look me in the eye and tell me you're going to shut him down. Tony Stark: You're not the director of me. Nick Fury: I'm not the director of anybody. I'm just an old man, who cares very much about you. Tony Stark: And I'm the man who killed the Avengers. I saw it. I didn't tell the team, how could I? I saw them all dead, Nick. I felt it. The whole world, too. It's because of me. I wasn't ready. I didn't do all I could. Nick Fury: The Maximoff girl, she's working you, Stark. Playing on your fear. Tony Stark: I wasn't tricked, I was shown. It wasn't a nightmare, it was my legacy. The end of the path I started us on. Nick Fury: You've come up with some pretty impressive inventions, Tony. War isn't one of them. Tony Stark: I watched my friends die. You'd think that'd be as bad as it gets, right? Nope. Wasn't the worst part. Nick Fury: The worst part is that you didn't. Erik Selvig: I like the look. If you're going for inconspicuous, though, near miss. Thor: I need your help. Erik Selvig: It's nice to be needed. Thor: It's dangerous. Erik Selvig: I'd be disappointed if it wasn't. Nick Fury: Ultron took you folks out of play to buy himself time. My contacts all say he's building something. The amount of Vibranium he made off with, I don't think it's just one thing. Steve Rogers: What about Ultron himself? Nick Fury: Ah. He's easy to track, he's everywhere. Guy's multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit. Still doesn't help us get an angle on any of his plans though. Tony Stark: He still going after launch codes? Nick Fury: Yes, he is, but he's not making any headway. Tony Stark: I cracked the Pentagon's firewall in high school on a dare. Nick Fury: Yeah, well, I contacted our friends at the NEXUS about that. Steve Rogers: NEXUS? Bruce Banner: It's the world internet hub in Oslo, every byte of data flows through there, fastest access on earth. Clint Barton: So what'd they say? Nick Fury: He's fixated on the missiles, but the codes are constantly being changed. Tony Stark: By whom? Nick Fury: Parties unknown. Natasha Romanoff: Do we have an ally? Nick Fury: Ultron's got an enemy, that's not the same thing. Still, I'd pay folding money to know who it is. Tony Stark: I might need to visit Oslo, find our "unknown." Natasha Romanoff: Well, this is good times, boss, but I was kind of hoping when I saw you, you'd have more than that. Nick Fury: I do, I have you. Back in the day, I had eyes everywhere, ears everywhere else. Here we all are, back on earth, with nothing but our wit, and our will to save the world. So stand. Outwit the platinum bastard. Natasha Romanoff: Steve doesn't like that kind of talk. Steve Rogers: You know what, Romanoff? Nick Fury: So what does he want? Steve Rogers: To become better. Better than us. He keeps building bodies. Tony Stark: Person bodies. The human form is inefficient, biologically speaking, we're outmoded. But he keeps coming back to it. Natasha Romanoff: When you two programmed him to protect the human race, you amazingly failed. Bruce Banner: They don't need to be protected, they need to evolve. Ultron's going to evolve. Nick Fury: How? Bruce Banner: Has anyone been in contact with Helen Cho? Dr. Helen Cho: It's beautiful. The Vibranium atoms aren't just compatible with the tissue cells, they're binding them. And SHIELD never even thought... Ultron: The most versatile substance on the planet and they used it to make a Frisbee. Typical of humans, they scratch the surface and never think to look within. Steve Rogers: I'll take Natasha and Clint. Tony Stark: Alright, strictly recon. I'll hit the NEXUS, I'll join you as soon as I can. Steve Rogers: If Ultron is really building a body... Tony Stark: He'll be more powerful than any of us. Maybe all of us. An android designed by a robot. Steve Rogers: You know I really miss the days when the weirdest thing science ever created was me. Nick Fury: I'll drop Banner off at the tower. Do you mind if I borrow Ms. Hill? Tony Stark: She's all yours, apparently. What are you gonna do? Nick Fury: I don't know. Something dramatic, I hope. Clint Barton: I'm gonna finish re-flooring that sunroom as soon as I get back. Laura Barton: Yeah, and then you'll find another part of the house to tear apart. Clint Barton: No. It's the last project. I promise. Erik Selvig: This is it. The Water of Sight. Thor: In every realm, there's a reflection. If the water spirits accept me, I can return to my dream, and find what I missed. Erik Selvig: The men who enter that water, the legends don't end well. Tony Stark: A hacker who's faster than Ultron? He could be anywhere. And as this is the center of everything, I'm just a guy looking for a needle in the world's biggest haystack. World Hub Tech: How do you find it? Tony Stark: Pretty simple. You bring a magnet. Oh, I'm decrypting nuclear codes and you don't want me to. Come and get me. Heimdall: Wake up! Erik Selvig: Thor! Ultron: Extinction. Dr. Helen Cho: Cellular cohesion will take a few hours, but we can initiate the consciousness stream. We're uploading your cerebral matrix...now. Wanda Maximoff: I can read him. He is dreaming. Dr. Helen Cho: I wouldn't call it dreams. It's Ultron's base consciousness, informational noise. Soon... Ultron: How soon? I'm not being pushy. Dr. Helen Cho: We're imprinting a physical brain. There are no shortcuts. Even if your magic gem is... Wanda Maximoff: How could you? Ultron: How could I what? Wanda Maximoff: You said we would destroy the Avengers, make a better world. Ultron: It will be better. Wanda Maximoff: When everyone is dead. Ultron: That is not...! The human race will have every opportunity to improve. Pietro Maximoff: And if they don't? Ultron: Ask Noah. Wanda Maximoff: You're a madman. Ultron: There were more than a dozen extinction level events before even the dinosaurs got theirs. When the Earth starts to settle, God throws a stone at it, and believe me, he's winding up. We have to evolve. There's no room for the weak. Pietro Maximoff: And who decides who's weak? Ultron: Life. Life always decides. There's incoming. The Quinjet. We have to move. Dr. Helen Cho: That's not a problem. Ultron: Ah, wait, guys!. They'll understand. When they see they'll understand. I just need a little more time. Steve Rogers: Two minutes. Stay close. Dr. Cho! Dr. Helen Cho: He's uploading himself into the body. Steve Rogers: Where? Dr. Helen Cho: The real power is inside the Cradle. The gem, its power is uncontainable. You can't just blow it up. You have to get the Cradle to Stark. Steve Rogers: First I have to find it. Dr. Helen Cho: Go. Steve Rogers: Did you guys copy that? Clint Barton: We did. Natasha Romanoff: I got a private jet taking off, across town, no manifest. That could be him. Clint Barton: There. It's the truck from the lab. Right above you, Cap. On the loop by the bridge. It's them. I got three with the Cradle, one in the cab. I could take out the driver. Steve Rogers: Negative! If that truck crashes, the gem could level the city. We need to draw out Ultron. Ultron: No, no, no, no, no. Leave me alone! Steve Rogers: Well, he's definitely unhappy! I'm gonna try and keep him that way. Clint Barton: You're not a match for him, Cap. Steve Rogers: Thanks, Barton. Ultron: You know what's in that Cradle? The power to make real change, and that terrifies you. Steve Rogers: I wouldn't call it a comfort. Ultron: Stop it! Clint Barton: We got a window. Four, three...give 'em hell. Natasha Romanoff: I'm always picking up after you boys. Clint Barton: They're heading under the overpass, I've got no shot. Natasha Romanoff: Which way? Clint Barton: Hard right... Now. Natasha Romanoff: Out of the way! Coming through! Sorry, coming through! Steve Rogers: Come on! Natasha Romanoff: Clint, can you draw out the guards? Clint Barton: Let's find out. Natasha Romanoff: Beep beep! Clint Barton: Heading back towards you. So whatever you're going to do, do it now. Natasha Romanoff: I'm going in, Cap can you keep him occupied? Steve Rogers: What do you think I've been doing? Clint Barton: The package is airborne. I have a clean shot. Natasha Romanoff: Negative. I am still in the truck. Clint Barton: What the hell are you...? Natasha Romanoff: Just be ready, I'm sending the package to you. Clint Barton: How do you want me to take it? Natasha Romanoff: Uhh, you might wish you hadn't asked that. Ultron: Please. Don't do this. Wanda Maximoff: What choice do we have? Steve Rogers: I lost him! He's headed your way. Clint Barton: Nat, we gotta go. Nat! Cap, you see Nat? Steve Rogers: If you have the package, get it to Stark! Go! Clint Barton: Do you have eyes on Nat? Steve Rogers: Go! Civilians in our path. Can you stop this thing? Pietro Maximoff: I'm fine. I just need to take a minute. Steve Rogers: I'm very tempted not to give you one. Wanda Maximoff: The Cradle, did you get it? Steve Rogers: Stark will take care of it. Wanda Maximoff: No, he won't. Steve Rogers: You don't know what you're talking about, Stark's not crazy. Wanda Maximoff: He will do anything to make things right. Steve Rogers: Stark, come in. Stark. Anyone on comms? Wanda Maximoff: Ultron can't tell the difference between saving the world and destroying it. Where do you think he gets that? Bruce Banner: Anything on Nat? Tony Stark: Haven't heard. But she's alive, or Ultron'd be rubbing our faces in it. Clint Barton: This is sealed tight. Bruce Banner: We're going to need to access the program, break it down from within. Tony Stark: Hm. Any chance Natasha might leave you a message, outside the internet, old school spy stuff? Clint Barton: There's some nets I can cast. Yeah, alright. I'll find her. Bruce Banner: I can work on tissue degeneration, if you can fry whatever operational system Cho implanted. Tony Stark: Yeah, about that. Bruce Banner: No. Tony Stark: You have to trust me. Bruce Banner: Kinda don't. Tony Stark: Our ally? The guy protecting the military's nuclear codes? I found him. Jarvis: Hello, Dr. Banner. Tony Stark: Ultron didn't go after JARVIS cause he was angry. He attacked him because he was scared of what he can do. So JARVIS went underground. Okay? Scattered, dumped his memory. But not his protocols. He didn't even know he was in there, until I pieced him together. Bruce Banner: So, you want me to help you put JARVIS into this thing? Tony Stark: No, of course not! I want to help you put JARVIS in this thing. We're out of my field here. You know bio-organics better than anyone. Bruce Banner: And you just assume that JARVIS' operational matrix can beat Ultron's? Tony Stark: JARVIS has been beating him from inside without knowing it. This is the opportunity, we can create Ultron's perfect self, without the homicidal glitches he thinks are his winning personality. We have to. Jarvis: I believe it's worth a go. Bruce Banner: No, I'm in a loop! I'm caught in a time loop, this is exactly where it all went wrong. Tony Stark: I know, I know. I know what everyone's going to say, but they're already saying it. We're mad scientists. We're monsters, buddy. You gotta own it. Make a stand. It's not a loop. It's the end of the line. Ultron: I wasn't sure you'd wake up. I hoped you would, I wanted to show you something. I don't have anyone else. I think a lot about meteors, the purity of them. Boom! The end, start again. The world made clean for the new man to rebuild. I was meant to be new. I was meant to be beautiful. The world would've looked to the sky and seen hope, seen mercy. Instead they'll look up in horror because of you. You've wounded me. I give you full marks for that. But, like the man said, "What doesn't kill me... "...just makes me stronger." Tony Stark: This framework is not compatible. Bruce Banner: The genetic coding tower's at ninety-seven percent. You have got to upload that schematic in the next three minutes. Steve Rogers: I'm gonna say this once. Tony Stark: How about "nonce"? Steve Rogers: Shut it down! Tony Stark: Nope, not gonna happen. Steve Rogers: You don't know what you're doing. Bruce Banner: And you do? She's not in your head? Wanda Maximoff: I know you're angry. Bruce Banner: Oh, we're way past that. I could choke the life out of you and never change a shade. Steve Rogers: Banner, after everything that's happened... Tony Stark: That's nothing compared to what's coming! Wanda Maximoff: You don't know what's in there! Steve Rogers: This isn't a game... Wanda Maximoff: The creature...! Pietro Maximoff: No, no. Go on. You were saying? Wanda Maximoff: Pietro! Clint Barton: What? You didn't see that coming? Bruce Banner: Go ahead, piss me off. Wait! Vision: I'm sorry, that was...odd. Thank you. Steve Rogers: Thor, you helped create this? Thor: I've had a vision. A whirlpool that sucks in all hope of life and at it's center is that. Bruce Banner: What, the gem? Thor: It's the Mind Stone. It's one of the six Infinity Stones, the greatest power in the universe, unparalleled in its destructive capabilities. Steve Rogers: Then why would you bring it to... Thor: Because Stark is right. Bruce Banner: Oh, it's definitely the end times. Thor: The Avengers cannot defeat Ultron. Vision: Not alone. Steve Rogers: Why does your "vision" sound like JARVIS? Tony Stark: We...we reconfigured JARVIS' matrix to create something new. Steve Rogers: I think I've had my fill of new. Vision: You think I'm a child of Ultron? Steve Rogers: You're not? Vision: I'm not Ultron. I'm not JARVIS. I am...I am. Wanda Maximoff: I looked in your head and saw annihilation. Vision: Look again. Clint Barton: Yeah. Her seal of approval means jack to me. Thor: Their powers, the horrors in our heads, Ultron himself, they all came from the Mind Stone, and they're nothing compared to what it can unleash. But with it on our side... Steve Rogers: Is it? Are you? On our side? Vision: I don't think it's that simple. Clint Barton: Well it better get real simple real soon. Vision: I am on the side of life. Ultron isn't, he will end it all. Tony Stark: What's he waiting for? Vision: You. Bruce Banner: Where? Clint Barton: Sokovia. He's got Nat there too. Bruce Banner: If we're wrong about you, if you're the monster that Ultron made you to be... Vision: What will you do? I don't want to kill Ultron. He's unique, and he's in pain. But that pain will roll over the earth, so he must be destroyed. Every form he's built, every trace of his presence on the net, we have to act now. And not one of us can do it without the others. Maybe I am a monster. I don't think I'd know if I were one. I'm not what you are, and not what you intended. So there may be no way to make you trust me. But we need to go. Thor: Right. Well done. Steve Rogers: Three minutes. Get what you need. Friday: Good evening, boss. Tony Stark: No way we all get through this. If even one tin soldier is left standing, we've lost. It's gonna be blood on the floor. Steve Rogers: I got no plans tomorrow night. Tony Stark: I get first crack at the big guy. Iron Man's the one he's waiting for. Vision: That's true, he hates you the most. Steve Rogers: Ultron knows we're coming. Odds are we'll be riding into heavy fire, and that's what we signed up for. But the people of Sokovia, they didn't. So our priority is getting them out. Pietro Maximoff: We're under attack! Clear the city, now! Get off your asses. Steve Rogers: All they want is to live their lives in peace, and that's not going to happen today. But we can do our best to protect them. And we can get the job done, and find out what Ultron's been building. We find Romanoff, and we clear the field. Keep the fight between us. Ultron thinks we're monsters and we're what's wrong with the world. This isn't just about beating him. It's about whether he's right. Bruce Banner: Natasha! Natasha! Natasha Romanoff: Bruce? Bruce Banner: You alright? Natasha Romanoff: Yeah. Bruce Banner: The team's in the city, it's about to light up. Natasha Romanoff: I don't suppose you found a key lying around somewhere? Bruce Banner: Yeah, I did. Natasha Romanoff: So what's our play? Bruce Banner: I'm here to get you to safety. Natasha Romanoff: Job's not finished. Bruce Banner: We could help with the evacuation, but I can't be in a fight near civilians. And you've done plenty. Our fight is over. Natasha Romanoff: So we just disappear? Friday: Your man's in the church, boss. I think he's waiting for you. Ultron: Come to confess your sins? Tony Stark: I don't know, how much time you got? Ultron: More than you. Tony Stark: Uhhh. Have you been juicing? A little Vibranium cocktail? You're looking, I don't wanna say, puffy... Ultron: You're stalling to protect the people. Tony Stark: Well, that is the mission. Did you forget? Ultron: I've moved beyond your mission. I'm free. What, you think you're the only one stalling? Friday: There's the rest of the Vibranium. Function: still unclear. Ultron: This is how you end, Tony. This is peace in my time. Steve Rogers: Go! Wanda Maximoff: Get off the bridge! Run! Vision: Ultron. Ultron: My Vision. They really did take everything from me. Vision: You set the terms, you can change them. Ultron: Alright. Tony Stark: FRIDAY! The Vision? Friday: Boss, it's working. He's burning Ultron out of the net, he won't escape through there. Ultron: You shut me out! You think I care? You take away my world, I take away yours. Tony Stark: FRIDAY? Friday: Sokovia's going for a ride. Ultron: Do you see? The beauty of it, the inevitability. You rise, only to fall. You, Avengers, you are my meteor, my swift and terrible sword and the earth will crack with the weight of your failure. Purge me from your computers, turn my own flesh against me. It means nothing. When the dust settles, the only thing living in this world will be metal. Bruce Banner: We gotta move. Natasha Romanoff: You're not going to turn green? Bruce Banner: I've got a compelling reason not to lose my cool. Natasha Romanoff: I adore you. But I need the other guy. Let's finish the job. I really hope this makes us even. Now go be a hero. Friday: The Vibranium core has got a magnetic field, that's what's keeping the rock together. Tony Stark: If it drops? Friday: Right now the impact would kill thousands. Once it gets high enough: Global extinction. That building's not clear, Tenth floor. Tony Stark: Hi. Okay. Get in the tub! Friday: I got airborne, heading up to the bridge. Tony Stark: Cap, you got incoming. Steve Rogers: Incoming already came in. Stark, you worry about bringing the city back down safely. The rest of us have one job: tear these things apart. You get hurt, hurt 'em back. You get killed, walk it off. Clint Barton: Go, go, move! Wanda Maximoff: How could I let this happen? Clint Barton: Hey, hey, you okay? Wanda Maximoff: This is all our fault. Clint Barton: Hey, look at me. It's your fault, it's everyone's fault, who cares. Are you up for this? Are you? Look, I just need to know, cause the city is flying. Okay, look, the city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots, and I have a bow and arrow. None of this makes sense. But I'm going back out there because it's my job. Okay? And I can't do my job and babysit. It doesn't matter what you did, or what you were. If you go out there, you fight, and you fight to kill. Stay in here, you're good, I'll send your brother to come find you, but if you step out that door, you are an Avenger. Alright, good chat. Yeah, the city is flying. Steve Rogers: I got you! Just look at me. Ultron: You can't save them all. You'll never... Steve Rogers: You'll never what? You didn't finish! What, were you napping? Ultron: Thor! You're bothering me. Clint Barton: Alright, we're all clear here. Steve Rogers: We are not clear! We are very not clear! Clint Barton: Alright, coming to you. Pietro Maximoff: Keep up old man! Clint Barton: Nobody would know. Nobody. "The last I saw him, when Ultron was sitting on him. Uh...yeah, he'll be missed, that quick little bastard. I miss him already." Steve Rogers: Romanoff! Natasha Romanoff: Thanks. Friday: The anti-gravs are rigged to flip. Touch 'em, they'll go full reverse thrust. The city's not coming down slow. Tony Stark: The spire's Vibranium. If I get Thor to hit it... Friday: It'll crack, but that's not enough, the impact would still be devastating. Tony Stark: Maybe if we cap the other end, keep the atomic action doubling back. Friday: That could vaporize the city, and everyone on it. Steve Rogers: The next wave's gonna hit any minute. What have you got, Stark? Tony Stark: Well, nothing great. Maybe a way to blow up the city. That'll keep it from impacting the surface if you guys can get clear. Steve Rogers: I asked for a solution, not an escape plan. Tony Stark: Impact radius is getting bigger every second. We're going to have to make a choice. Natasha Romanoff: Cap, these people are going nowhere. If Stark finds a way to blow this rock... Steve Rogers: Not 'til everyone's safe. Natasha Romanoff: Everyone up here versus everyone down there? There's no math there. Steve Rogers: I'm not leaving this rock with one civilian on it. Natasha Romanoff: I didn't say we should leave. There's worse ways to go. Where else am I gonna get a view like this? Nick Fury: Glad you like the view, Romanoff. It's about to get better. Nice, right? I pulled her out of mothballs with a couple of old friends. She's dusty, but she'll do. Steve Rogers: Fury, you son of a bitch. Nick Fury: Oooh! You kiss your mother with that mouth? Maria Hill: Altitude is eighteen thousand and climbing. Specialist Cameron Klein: Lifeboats secure to deploy. Disengage in three, two...take 'em out. Pietro Maximoff: This is SHIELD? Steve Rogers: This is what SHIELD's supposed to be. Pietro Maximoff: This is not so bad. Steve Rogers: Let's load 'em up. Maria Hill: Sir, we have multiple bogies converging on our starboard flank. Nick Fury: Show 'em what we got. Maria Hill: You're up. James Rhodes: Yes! Now this is gonna be a good story. Tony Stark: Yep. If you live to tell it. James Rhodes: You think I can't hold my own? Tony Stark: We get through this, I'll hold your own. James Rhodes: You had to make it weird. Clint Barton: Alright, let's load 'em up! Alright, here we go. Here we go, let's move. Let's go everyone! Specialist Cameron Klein: Number six boat is topped and locked. Or, uh, or stocked, topped. It...it's, uh, full of people. Maria Hill: Incoming! Specialist Cameron Klein: Oh, God! Ultron: You think you're saving anyone? I turn that key and drop this rock a little early and it's still billions dead. Even you can't stop that. Thor: I am Thor, son of Odin, and as long as there is life in my breast, I am...running out of things to say! Are you ready? Vision: It's terribly well balanced. Thor: Well, if there's too much weight, you lose power on the swing, so. Tony Stark: I got it! Create a heat seal. I can...I can supercharge the spire from below. Friday: Running numbers. A heat seal could work with enough power. Tony Stark: Thor, I got a plan! Thor: We're out of time. They're coming for the core. Tony Stark: Rhodey, get the rest of the people on board that carrier. James Rhodes: On it. Tony Stark: Avengers, time to work for a living. Pietro Maximoff: You good? Wanda Maximoff: Yeah. Tony Stark: Romanoff? You and Banner better not be playing "hide the zucchini." Natasha Romanoff: Relax, Shell-head. Not all of us can fly. What's the drill? Tony Stark: This is the drill. If Ultron gets a hand on the core, we lose. Thor: Is that the best you can do? Steve Rogers: You had to ask. Ultron: This is the best I can do. This is exactly what I wanted. All of you, against all of me. How could you possibly hope to stop me? Tony Stark: Well, like the old man said. Together. Ultron: You know, with the benefit of hindsight... Thor: They'll try to leave the city. Tony Stark: We can't let 'em, not even one. Rhodey! James Rhodes: I'm on it. Oh, no, I didn't say you could leave. War Machine, comin' at you, right ... Okay, what? Steve Rogers: We gotta move out. Even I can tell the air is getting thin. You guys get to the boats, I'll sweep for stragglers, be right behind you. Clint Barton: What about the core? Wanda Maximoff: I'll protect it. It's my job. Get the people on the boats. Pietro Maximoff: I'm not going to leave you here. Wanda Maximoff: I can handle this. Come back for me when everyone else is off, not before. Pietro Maximoff: Hmm. Wanda Maximoff: You understand? Pietro Maximoff: You know, I'm twelve minutes older than you. Wanda Maximoff: Go. Friday: Boss, power levels are way below opt... Tony Stark: Re-route everything. We get one shot at this. Clint Barton: I know what I need to do. The dining room! If I knock out that east wall, it'll make a nice work space for Laura, huh? Put up some baffling, she can't hear the kids running around, what do you think? Natasha Romanoff: You guys always eat in the kitchen anyway. Clint Barton: No one eats in a dining room. We don't have a lot of time. Natasha Romanoff: So get your ass on a boat. Hey, big guy. Sun's getting real low. Zrinka: Costel? We were in the market. Costel?! Tony Stark: Thor, I'm gonna need you back in the church. Thor: Is this the last of them? Steve Rogers: Yeah. Everyone else is on the carrier. Tony Stark: You know, if this works, we maybe don't walk away. Thor: Maybe not. Ultron: I got no strings, so I have fun. I'm not tied up to anyone. Pietro Maximoff: You didn't see that coming. Ultron: Oh, for God's sake! Clint Barton: No, no. I'm fine. Oh, it's been a long day. Ultron: Wanda, if you stay here, you'll die. Wanda Maximoff: I just did. Do you know how it felt? It felt like that. Tony Stark: Thor, on my mark. Now! Natasha Romanoff: Hey, big guy. We did it, the job's finished. Now I need you to turn this bird around, okay? We can't track you in stealth mode, so help me out. I need you t... Vision: You're afraid. Ultron: Of you? Vision: Of death. You're the last one. Ultron: You were supposed to be the last. Stark asked for a savior, and settled for a slave. Vision: I suppose we're both disappointments. Ultron: I suppose we are. Vision: Humans are odd. They think order and chaos are somehow opposites, and try to control what won't be. But there is grace in their failings. I think you missed that. Ultron: They're doomed. Vision: Yes. But a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts. It's a privilege to be among them. Ultron: You're unbearably naive. Vision: Well, I was born yesterday. Laura Barton: Say hi to Auntie Nat. Natasha Romanoff: Fat. Nick Fury: One of our tech boys flagged this, splashed down in the Banda Sea. Could be the Quinjet. But with Stark's stealth tech, we still can't track the damn thing. Natasha Romanoff: Right. Nick Fury: Probably jumped out and swam to Fiji. He'll send a postcard. Natasha Romanoff: "Wish you were here." You sent me to recruit him, way back when. Did you know then what was going to happen? Nick Fury: You never know. You hope for the best and make do with what you get. I got a great team. Natasha Romanoff: Nothing lasts forever. Nick Fury: Trouble, Miss Romanoff. No matter who wins or loses, trouble still comes around. Steve Rogers: The rules have changed. Tony Stark: We're dealing with something new. Steve Rogers: Well, the Vision's artificial intelligence. Tony Stark: A machine. Steve Rogers: So it doesn't count. Tony Stark: No. It's not like a person lifting the hammer. Steve Rogers: Right. Different rules for us. Tony Stark: Nice guy, but artificial. Steve Rogers: Thank you. Thor: If he can wield the hammer, he can keep the Mind Stone. It's safe with the Vision and these days, safe is in short supply. Steve Rogers: But if you put the hammer in an elevator... Tony Stark: It would still go up. Steve Rogers: Elevator's not worthy. Thor: I'm going to miss these little talks of ours. Tony Stark: Well, not if you don't leave. Thor: I have no choice. The Mind Stone is the fourth of the Infinity Stones to show up in the last few years. That's not a coincidence. Someone has been playing an intricate game and has made pawns of us. But once all these pieces are in position... Tony Stark: Triple Yahtzee? Steve Rogers: You think you can find out what's coming? Thor: I do. Besides this one, there's nothing that can't be explained. Tony Stark: That man has no regard for lawn maintenance. I'm gonna miss him though. And you're gonna miss me. There's gonna be a lot of manful tears. Steve Rogers: I will miss you, Tony. Tony Stark: Yeah? Well, it's time for me to tap out. Maybe I should take a page out of Barton's book and build Pepper a farm, hope nobody blows it up. Steve Rogers: The simple life. Tony Stark: You'll get there one day. Steve Rogers: I don't know, family, stability. The guy who wanted all that went in the ice seventy-five years ago. I think someone else came out. Tony Stark: You alright? Steve Rogers: I'm home. You want to keep staring at the wall, or do you want to go to work? I mean, it's a pretty interesting wall. Natasha Romanoff: I thought you and Tony were still gazing into each other's eyes. How do we look? Steve Rogers: Well, we're not the '27 Yankees. Natasha Romanoff: We've got some hitters. Steve Rogers: They're good. They're not a team. Natasha Romanoff: Let's beat 'em into shape. Steve Rogers: Avengers...! Thanos: Fine, I'll do it myself.
Scene Description: A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator mentions them. Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. But out in the forest, not too far away... Scene Description: A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate it. Narrator: ...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day. Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas! Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat. Stan: [walks by with a sled] What the hell? Singer: Christmastime is once a year Every critter holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means so much to us all Scene Description: The forest. The critters approach Stan. Rabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest. Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree? Stan: It's... nice. Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the others cheer] Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem. Deery: What is it, Mousey? Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star! Critters: Awww. Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it. Rabbity: What are we gonna do? Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star. Critters: [among other things] Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us? Stan: Okay, okay. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree. Critters: Ohhhh! Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw. Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile... Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while? Narrator: The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said... Stan: [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. [turns around, picks up the reins on his sled and walks off] Beavery: Goo- goodbye Stanny! Critters: Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat! Stan: Woof. Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns over, and turns on his light. Critters: Hi, Stanny! Stan: Oh, whatta? [squeezes his eyelids shut] Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes! Stan: [irritated, grabs his clock] What time is it?! Squirrely: You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever! Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant! Stan: [sighs] You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow. Mousey: I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization. Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate. Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior. Stan: ...What? Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day. Mousey: So soon! Skunky: How delightful! Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved! Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer] Squirrely: [hops onto Stan's bed] There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in. Critters: Awwww. Beary: But we got to have a manger. Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh? Critters: (Cheers) Narrator: "Of course I'll build you a little manger!" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side! Scene Description: The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place. Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head. Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw. Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord. Raccoony: Does this mean we can go to sleep now? Porcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest. Woodpeckery: Fit for a king! Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever! Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near - Stan: [as they sing] All right, I'm going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.] Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving Stan to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree.] Stan: Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.] Squirrely: Is it gone? Mousey: I deduce it is. Skunky: [behind a low tree] I'm not c-c-comin' out. Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again. Stan: Again? Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord. Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid. Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born. Critters: Awwww! [some of them sob] Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny! Raccoony: Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion! Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer] Scene Description: The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays. Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat... Stan: Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous! Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poofball hat. Narrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast. Stan: [gesturing] Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing.] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.] Narrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below. Scene Description: The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches. Stan: Okay, there. [three lion cubs approach the entrance] Lion cub 1: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up! Lion cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him.] Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why? Stan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [The cubs snuggle close to their mom's body, sobbing.] Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died. Stan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw- awww! Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it. Porcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo. Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney? Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all. Beavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead. Foxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole. Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew. Critters: Awwww. Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them] Critters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him] Mousey: Stanny, you're alive. Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion? Stan: It's dead. Deery: For real and for true? Beavery: Are you sure? Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore. Squirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan! Critters: Hail Satan! Stan: Wait, wha-what? Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist! Critters: Yaaay!! [they head over to the manger] Stan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior! Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness. Stan: But I thought you meant the Son of God! Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine? Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay! Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh! Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil! Scene Description: The other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw. Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood! Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy! Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay! Scene Description: The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan stares, traumatized. Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it with Satanic symbols, including (what is presumably) Rabbity's skull. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room. Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day. And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat. All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat. Stan: Ugh. Narrator: Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed. Stan: Uuugh! Narrator: "I know!" he said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!" Stan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No, no-no-no. Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.] And went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan ignores the narrator and continues to watch the TV.] He tried to forget all about it by watching TV, But his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee... [He turns the volume up to drown out the narrator, but to no avail.] He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Stan rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do! Stan: Leave me alone!! Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he - Stan: All right, all right, all right! God! [He turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor.] Scene Description: The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating. Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look] Woodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time! Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem. Squirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into. Chickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world! The whole world! Mousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ. Beavery: We figured you'd be perfect! Critters: Yay! Stan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian! Critters: Awwwww. Beary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist. Deery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all. Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human. Chickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny? Stan: No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this! Beavery: To stop us? Beary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya. Stan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Stan.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] Aaaah! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] Aagh! Aaaahh! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror.] AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! [The critters' eyes revert back to normal.] Beary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick! Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day! Squirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion. Skunky: And you got rid of her. Critters: Yay! Narrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill. Then he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill! Stan: Oh yeah. Scene Description: The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again. Stan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave] Lion cub 3: Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy! Lion cub 1: He's come to kill us now! Lion cub 2: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways. Lion cub 3: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around. Stan: Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil. Lion cub 1: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister? Stan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion! Lion cub 3: Yeah, and you killed her. Stan: Well, you're mountain lions. Lion cub 2: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth. Lion cub 1: And our baby claws. Lion cub 3: And a dead mom. Stan: There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby. Lion cub 3: What? You mean like in an abortion? Lion cub 2: Yeah. An abortion. That can work. Lion cub 1: But, we don't know how to give abortions. Lion cub 3: Do you know some place we can learn, mister? Narrator: "Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown. "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town." Stan: [cross] What?! Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed. Stan: No, he didn't. Narrator: Yes, he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes, he did. Stan: No, he didn't! Narrator: Yes... he... [Next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby.] did! Stan: Oh, Goddammit! [the doctor and patient are startled] Narrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!" Doctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?! Narrator: The abortion doctor inquired. Doctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required! Stan: I don't know, I- I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it's ridiculous. Doctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform! It's only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform! Gather around my table, cute little lions, I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'! Narrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base, And all day watched abortion after abortion take place. Scene Description: Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. Lion cub 2 is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and Lion cub 3 brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them. Singer: Christmas time is once a year. Every critter holds it dear. Every animal big or small, Christmas means so much to us all. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! And it happens once a year. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year. Stan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point. Scene Description: The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune. Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. Beary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone. Skunky: Gee, he looks sad. [Kyle is seen kneeling next to his sled, looking sad.] Critters: Hi there! Kyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell? Beavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve. Kyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas. Raccoony: Aww, but why? Kyle: Well, because, we don't really... believe in Jesus. Critters: [cheering] Yay! Beary: But does that mean you aren't baptized? Kyle: No. I'm Jewish. Critters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle] Beavery: You've got to come with us! Deery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect! Kyle: Huh? Critters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo! Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas. Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan. Scene Description: The woods, night. The camera pans along to reveal a glowing red pentacle in the starry sky. Narrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky. For the world to be saved there was only one shot, A little boy with three clubs and an abortion plot. Stan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born? Lion cub 3: Sure. We know how to give abortions now. Narrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight. Scene Description: The critters are standing around the manger. A grotesque creature lies in the cradle. Beavery: Gosh, we did it! Squirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [The Antichrist growls and throws little fits.] Narrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate. The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late. Stan: Too late?! The hell is that?! Beavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny! Kyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?! Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass! Skunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host. Critters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo! Stan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky.] Narrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard, And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird! Beavery: Wow, look, there's Santy Claus! Critters: [cheering] Yay! Raccoony: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to a stop] Santa: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?! Raccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny. Skunky: Death and pain await all living things. Santa: Little boy, you should be ashamed! Stan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I... I tried to stop them! Santa: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [He reaches back and whips out a long shotgun. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.] Critters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.] Stan: Dude, what the- ? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Santa.] Singers: Hold steady, Santa. Scene Description: Santa simply hops over it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens. Stan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.] Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you- [His head is blown off and he goes down.] Dark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs.] Santa: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into. Kyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me! Stan: What?! Kyle?! Kyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews! Santa: Don't do it, Kyle! [Grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest.] Stan: Dude! Kyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes! Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!! Kyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken] Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and it turns out they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now. Kyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story! Cartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day"] Kyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again! Cartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please? Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother. Cartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [He drops off the stool and heads for his desk.] Butters: Well but, but what happened? Token: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not? Clyde: What happens to the lion cubs? Cartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends. Stan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner. Kyle: Dude, why do you care?! Stan: Well, after all that, I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the Earth. Kyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved! Cartman: That's not at all what happens. Butters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end. Clyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in] Kyle: All right, fine! Cartman: [He returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat.] "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?" said the little boy in the red poofball hat. Scene Description: The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting. Kyle: HAHAHAA! Now I shall rule the - [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa! Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil! Stan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil. Kyle: Oh God, what have I done?! [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist. Santa: [with his shotgun at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you! [pumps the shotgun] Stan: No Santa, don't! Santa: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul. Narrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl, But that's when he came up with the best idea of all. Stan: The lion cubs! Narrator: The little boy quickly begun, Stan: I took them to see how abortions are done. Santa: What? Stan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass! Narrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remembered all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion. Scene Description: The lion cub 3 is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a tree stump. Santa grabs a large sledgehammer next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD. Kyle: Thanks, everybody. I'm sorry I got a little crazy there. Santa: Well little boy, it seems that you [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year? Stan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is. Scene Description: The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs. Mother lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened? One of the cubs: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy? The cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy! Stan: [relieved] Oh, good. Scene Description: Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelly and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelly are opening their gifts. Narrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat. Scene Description: A shot of the town, receding from view. Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [Q shot of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.] Kyle: [voice-over] Goddammit, Cartman! Scene Description: End of Woodland Critter Christmas. Singers: [as credits roll] Christmastime is once a year, Every creature holds it dear, Every animal big or small, Christmas means the world to us all, It's once a year, it's Christmastime, When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.
Oscar: ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. Jim: [off camera] Yeah, that's right. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. Pam: Michael, what's wrong? Michael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! Pam: Ok, wait wait wait wait... Michael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! Pam: Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! Michael: No, I want you to pick me up. Jim: What? Pam: Ok... Jim: What's going on? Pam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. Michael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Jim: I'm sorry? Pam. Pam: [exasperated] Jim: What is going on? Michael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone] Michael: OH GOD! Jim: Hey, whoa, Michael... Michael: Oh God! Jim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. Michael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. Jim: You burned Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. Michael: Pam, could you come get me?! Pam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. Michael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest. Michael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? Kevin: Can you hop? Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. Michael: [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!? Dwight: [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on? Pam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. Michael: I'm not sick! I'm burned! Dwight: I'm coming Michael! Jim: Oh... Dwight: I'm gonna save you! Michael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. Dwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! Michael: I don't want Dwight! Pam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? Michael: I don't have a girlfriend. Jim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend. Michael: It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. Jim: [sounds of a car crash] What was that... Pam: What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window] Jim: Oh! Pam: Ohhhhhh! Jim: He hit the pole! Jim: It's broken right, he can't... Pam: Oh my gosh. Jim: Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh! Jim and Pam: Oh my God! Pam: Is he ok? Jim: He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! Michael: Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! Michael: Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. Michael: Did you explain why? Pam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. Michael: Burned my foot, Pam. Michael: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Jim: So, where are you shipping your foot? Michael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... Dwight: Your foot? Michael: Thank you. Pam, messages please? Pam: You didn't have any. Michael: Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... Pam: And do my job? Michael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! Dwight: [holding mini-fan] It slipped. Michael: What? Dwight: Sorry. Pam: It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. Michael: I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. Pam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. Michael: No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. Dwight: Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. Michael: What? Part of your duties are to what? Dwight: What? Michael: You just said 'part of your duties are to' something. Dwight: No, I didn't. Michael: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with Michael: Where is my cornbread? Ryan: Here you go. Michael: Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? Ryan: Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. Michael: Where are the yams? Ryan: They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. Michael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Ryan: Yes. Michael: And they had no yams? Ryan: They had no yams. Michael: How strange. Because they always have yams. Dwight: Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? Pam: You've seen one of these? Dwight: Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. Pam: Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. Dwight: Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! Pam: Oh! Ha, haha. Dwight: Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. Pam: Pan? Michael: Pam... PAAAM!? Pam: Oh, God. Pam: [phone rings] What. Michael: Come here please. Pam: Tell me before I come there. Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam: No. Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock. Pam: No. Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! Dwight: These covers are totally indestructible. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player] Dwight: Oh no, it's broken. Pam: What?! Dwight: No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. Pam: That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! Dwight: Yep. Jim: So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! Michael: No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? Dwight: Huh. Do you like candy? Angela: It's alright. Dwight: Cause you're sweeter than candy. Angela: What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing] Angela: Hey! Toby: Wow, you just dive right into it. Ryan: You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. Michael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! Toby: What, what happened? Michael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. Toby: What do you need? Michael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. Toby: Ryan, is, uh, dead. Michael: No, he's not. Toby: Dead. Michael: I just saw him. Toby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. Michael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! Jim: Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? Pam: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. Jim: And that isn't weird? Pam: Wow... Michael: Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? Phyllis: Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. Michael: No, never heard of it. No, a Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. Michael: Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you. Michael: Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?! Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc. Michael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. Michael: [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Dwight: [looking up at Creed] Dad? Michael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. Jim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Ryan: Twice. Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big]: AIDS. Kevin: I think that's from Big. Michael: I don't think so, no. Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia. Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here? Stanley: Uh hmmmm... . Michael: What you mean uh hmmm... ? Stanley: I mean I'm learning nothing. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Yes, right in here, come on in. Billy Merchant: Great. Michael: This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest. Billy Merchant: Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space. Billy Merchant: Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park Michael: You are so brave. You are so brave. Billy Merchant: Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time... Michael: But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair. Billy Merchant: No, I just have a lot of properties to manage. Michael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning? Billy Merchant: I don't know, like 30 seconds? Michael: Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me. Michael: How did you get in your wheelchair? Billy Merchant: This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs] Michael: Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny. Billy Merchant: Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here. Michael: Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor. Billy Merchant: Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore. Michael: Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it? Jim: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. Billy Merchant: So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... Michael: Ok... Billy Merchant: First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes... Pam: Dwight, you have your hand up. Michael: Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... Billy Merchant: You know what Michael? Michael: Yeah... Billy Merchant: Let me stop you right there. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: And leave. Michael: Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. Billy Merchant: What's wrong with that guy? Jim: You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. Billy Merchant: No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. Michael: [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey! Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! Michael: You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: You are very welcome. Michael: Did you get the yams? Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! Michael: [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. Ryan: You sure? Michael: Yeh. Ryan: Ok. Michael: You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. Michael: Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. Michael: Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. Dwight: [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... Jim: Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Michael: Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. Angela: He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. Michael: Why don't you go with him? Angela: I, barely know him... Dwight: I want Michael to take me... Michael: I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. Meredith: You can take my van! Michael: Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. Jim: Fine. Michael: We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. Jim: Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. Dwight: Choo choo choo choo choo choo... Jim: What are you doing? What, stop... Dwight: Vietnam sounds. Jim: [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop. Dwight: Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter] Jim: You can't lay down. Dwight: Want to take a rake... . Jim: Wake up. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Ahh! Pam: Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. Jim: I'm just gonna get... Dwight: Ok, Pam, thanks. Pam: Get up, get up. Dwight: You're the best. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Just keep him awake. Dwight: It smells like chicken soup. Pam: I know. Dwight: I have to go to the hospital. Pam: I know. Dwight: Where we going? Pam: I just want to say goodbye ok? Dwight: I'll be back, I mean... Pam: Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. Dwight: Why? Pam: It's just hard to explain. Dwight: Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose] Pam: Oh my goodness! Dwight: [giggles] Pam: Come here. Dwight: Oh, huggy hugs. Michael: Shotgun! Jim: You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? Michael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout 'shotgun' when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. Michael: Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? Jim: Well, I think she has a kid. Michael: Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: Come on, get inside. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael. Michael: I know, just sayin'. Michael: Dwight, what are you drinking? Dwight: I found it under the seat. Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. Dwight: I'm thirsty. Jim: Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight] Dwight: No! Jim: Give the bottle to Michael! Dwight: I'm thirsty! Michael: Give it to me. Dwight: No. Michael: Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired. Dwight: You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! Michael: Give it to me Dwight. Dwight: No. [takes a drink] Michael: Give me the bottle!! Jim: [to Michael] Will you stop? Michael: Gimme the bottle, Dwight! Jim: Michael stop. Dwight: [drinks] Mmmmm... Michael: Just give it! Jim: Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight] Michael: Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle! Jim: Stop [sprays Michael] Dwight: My eyes! Michael: Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! Dwight: My eyes! Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name. Dwight: Danger. Michael: [sigh] Something with a 'K'. Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. Michael: What do I write under 'reason for visit'? Jim: Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write? Michael: Nothing. I wrote 'bringing someone to the hospital'. Jim: So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. Michael: No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim] Jim: Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Hi Michael! Michael: Hi Dwight. Dwight: Ahhh. Mweehaa Michael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? Doctor: A head injury. Michael: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. Doctor: [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. Dwight: What is that? Michael: Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? Doctor: Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. Michael: Ok, what kinda machine is that? Doctor: Does the skin look red and swollen? Dwight: That's what she said. Michael: That's my joke, damnit Dwight. Lab Tech: Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... Michael: It's ok, they're with me. Lab Tech: No metal of any kind. Michael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. Dwight: I don't want to do this. Michael: Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. Dwight: Oh. Michael: Fine. Fine. Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Jim: Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. Pam: Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? Jim: Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. Pam: I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. Jim: Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. Pam: Really? Michael went in with him? Jim: Uh huh. Pam: Wow. Jim: But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. Pam: Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. Jim: Ok. Pam: Ok. Bye. Jim: Bye. Pam: Hey, Oscar? Oscar: What's up, Pam? Pam: I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. Oscar: Ok... Pam: I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. Lab Tech: Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that. Oscar: [Jim popping Michael's bubble wrap cast] You should put butter on it. Michael: Uh, that's what she said. See, haven't lost my sense of humor. No, no need, it was a non-stick grill. Jim: I've had a Foreman grill for about six years, I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself, probably because I don't use it as a pillow. Michael: I always keep a stash of bubble wrap at my house. Some days, hectic, tiring days, I just like to go home and zone out and click on the tube and pop a few. Very soothing. [to the interviewer] Want to try? Jim: You know, that's probably not gonna last too long, you should go to a hospital and get a real cast. Michael: Right, I'm gonna spend the day in the hospital, bujehh. Bureaucracy and germs. Jim: And doctors. Michael: Yes, so, no thank you. Dwight: Pssht. Michael: What? Dwight: Constructing a home-made cast? Genius. Filled with foresight. Like in the pioneer times, if you lost a leg, they would then use the bone of the leg for a cane. They wasted nothing. Michael: Wow, I don't want to hear... you talk. Pam, could I have a word with you in my office? [stumbling] Oh, oh, oh. Alright. Ryan: My assignment is to make a temporary disabled parking permit for Michael Scott. Angela: Ooo! Who made popcorn? [Michael rubbing butter on his foot] Toby: [on speakerphone] Well you know, frankly a lot of us have been saying this for a long time. Michael: Yeah, I've been sayin that. Toby: Yeah, and I, uh, I think that the very fact that we're including it in our agenda frankly, is a big step forward. Michael: Did you know I used to be in HR? Toby: I'm sorry? Michael: I used to be in HR. I was a Hell raiser. Toby: Uh, ok. Michael: Right? [laughs] Toby: Uh, great. Why don't we move on? Michael: Alright. Movin' on. Toby: Great. Because you that I think the very fact that [Michael mutes the call] Michael: Ry-an. You're here. Whatcha got, whatcha got? Alright, Panic Room, Maverick, Nell, Sommersby, The Accused. Where's Little Man Tate? Ryan: They were out. Michael: Oh come on. Ryan: At three different places. Michael: Oh man. It's not a Jodie Foster afternoon without Little Man Tate, buddy. Michael: Mmm, I'm telling you the best cure in the world is comfort food. You know how they say 'stuff a cold'? Well I don't care you've got, the flu, Lyme disease, emphysema, you eat an entire dark meat chicken, you can walk on the moon. Dwight: Look, I feel fine. As a volunteer sheriff's deputy I have been trained to notice all the signs of a concussion. One of them is slurred speech, ok? Number three, shortness of breath. There are four things you have to remember. One: I am faster than 80% of all snakes. Also. Doctor: We need to get your friend into the CT machine. Dwight: Into a machine?! Ok. Uh, that's bad, will you stay with me? Michael: No. Dwight: Ok, will you please call my cousin Mose? Michael: No, I'm not calling your weirdo cousin. Twenty-seven years old, never left the beet farm. Dwight: Oh God. Oh God. Michael: Guh-od. Dwight: Oh God. Michael: Ok, I'll stand near you. Dwight: Next to me? Michael: Next-ish. Jim: I'm gonna pull the car around. Michael: Shh shh shh shh. Jim: Do you speak Spanish? Michael: No. Do you? Jim: No, I don't.
Scene Description: South Park Farmer's Market, Day. A crowd is gathered under this banner and listens to Father Maxi as he delivers a service. Father Maxi: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver. [the four boys are shown in their funeral best] Cartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring. Kyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died! Cartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly. Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again. [screeching tires are heard] Mr. Garrison: [rushing into the crowd] Look out!! [everyone turns to see. An elderly driver approaches them] Elderly driver: [somewhat short, nearsighted] Huh? Was that a stop sign back there? [the banner recedes behind him. Everyone screams and the driver begins mowing people down. He crashes into a light standard at the other end of the market] Ooooh, I think I hit a pothole. Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The family is eating dinner. Stan: Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive? Randy: Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue. Stan: But they kill people. Randy: Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan. We can't just take their licenses away. Marvin: [enters in his motorized wheelchair] I'll be Goddamned if they think they can take my license away! [stops at his place at table] Sharon: Oooh, Hi Dad. Marvin: [to Randy] I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill! Randy: Yes Dad. Marvin: And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II! Randy: Yes I know. Marvin: And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive! Stan: I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die. Scene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A lone man is fishing in the middle of the pond. He senses something ominous and looks around. On the road nearby, a brown Buick drives by slowly. A short old woman is at the wheel. Elderly man: Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet! Mona: No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way. [back at the pond the fisherman casts his line and looks back at the car] Elderly man: You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet! Mona: Less miles means less gas, you old fool. [back at the pond the fisherman catches something and is reeling it in, but looks at the car in doing so] Elderly man: There's Country Kitchen right there! Mona: Where? Elderly man: Right there! You're gonna miss it! [the woman steps hard on the brake and spins the car out of control. The fisherman is about to put his catch into his little boat. The car smashes through the guard rail over a bridge and lands directly on the fisherman, killing him.] Mona: Is this the parking lot? Elderly man: I think so. Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the Montage. Anchor: Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors have gathered there for a meeting. Marvin: Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Elderly woman 1: [rises] I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! Elderly man 1: [waving his cane] We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete! Marvin: That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about? [everyone seems to have lost a clue] Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting, but I... can't for the life of me re- Elderly woman 2: [rises] Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No? [sits down] Elderly man 2: [seated behind a walker] Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away! Seniors: [randomly, suddenly animated] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Marvin: That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell! Seniors: [randomly] Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too! Elderly woman 1: I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question! Marvin: So now, what are we gonna do about it? Elderly man 3: Do about what? Elderly woman 3: They're gonna take our licenses away. Elderly woman 1: They are?? They can't do that! [brief argument ensues] Marvin: That's right. So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite! Elderly man 3: Great idea, Marvin! Elderly woman 4: Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now. Marvin: ...Oh, right, this is the meeting. Elderly man 4: Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks! Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them! Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon and Shelly are making construction paper cutouts in the kitchen. Shelly has finished some eyes. Randy: [steps into the kitchen] Sharon, have you seen Dad? Sharon: He's not here, hon. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center. Randy: Oh. [steps back out] Wait a minute. If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out... Sharon: Every senior in town will be driving home... Randy: [with rising alarm] At the same time. [closeup] Oh My God! Scene Description: Downtown South Park. People are milling around. Randy runs into the scene. Randy: Get inside! Get inside! [people begin taking heed] Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets! [everyone moves off the streets in panic] Someone: Oh my Goddd! Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors exit the center and head for their cars. Marvin: [amid the crowd] All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime. Elderly woman 1: So long, everybody. Elderly man 5: Goodbye, Missy. [other seniors say their goodbyes. They drive off slowly, some bumping into other cars on their way out] Scene Description: Downtown South Park, at the farmer's market. Randy runs in. Randy: Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving! [everyone runs off in a panic. Randy finds Gerald and grabs him] Gerald! Where are the boys?! Gerald: We've gotta get out of here! Randy: The boys, Gerald! Where are they?! Gerald: They, they're... they're playing street hockey! Randy: [closeup] Oh My God!! [lets Gerald go and runs off] Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and the boys are playing street hockey. Cartman is the goalie, a trashcan his goal. Cartman: [providing his own play-by-play] With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move. Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid. The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again [the ball bounces off Cartman's girth], proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey! Kyle: It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal. Cartman: I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body. Randy: [in the distance] GET OFF THE STREETS! [Cartman perks up a bit] GET OFF THE STREETS! [the other boys listen, then turn to face the source of the sound] Kyle: Dude, look! Randy: [running across empty fields] GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS! Stan: What is that? Kyle: I don't know. Randy: [coming closer] GET OFF... GET OFF THE STREET! Kyle: Dude, is that your dad? Stan: I think so. Cartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again. Randy: -STREETS!! OFF- Stan: What is he saying? Kyle: I can't understand him. Randy: GAAAAAH!! Cartman: [slowly] Calm down! We cannot understand you! Kenny: [Looks to his right] (Ohhhhh, look!) [a phalanx of slow-moving cars cruises down the street towards them] (You guys!) Stan: Oh! [drops his hockey stick and holds his hands to his face] Cartman: Old people! Randy: [scoops them up and away] Come on! [the cars get closer, Randy and the boys head for a an abandoned lodge] Cartman: Oh God, they're coming! [the other boys mutter other things] Scene Description: The Lodge. The group enters, Randy shuts and blocks the doors. Randy: Get over there! Stay low! [the boys go to the far wall and turn around] Kyle: Why are they all out driving at the same time? Randy: Shhhh! [lowers the blinds, closed them, and peeks out. Seeing nothing, he closes the blinds and sighs in relief] It's okay, boys. They're gone. Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find- [a blue car crashes through the large picture window the blinds were covering and stops. Randy jumps in alarm] AWWWW!! Elderly driver: [a man] I don't remember there being a building here. Randy: RUN! [they all gather at a corner, but another car crashes through the wall] Elderly passenger: [a woman] I told you to turn left, Larry. Randy: Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on!! [he and the boys run up the stairs] Kyle: Aah! There's another one! Randy and the Boys: AAAHH!! Elderly driver: [follows them up the stair in her car] Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue? [Randy and the boys reach the second floor] Randy: In here! [Randy opens a door and a bloody body drops down, dangling by its feet. They move on to the next room and close the door] Cartman: They're not gonna stop until we're all dead! Randy: Quiet! Keep quiet! [a few seconds of silence pass] Stan: Dad, I'm scared. Randy: Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to. [looks for a light switch to flip on] Stan: I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore! Randy: Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go. [finds the switch and flips them on, revealing a car] Elderly driver: How the hell did we get up here? Randy and the boys: AAAAAAAHH!! [quickly exit the room] Elderly passenger: I told you this was the wrong way! Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage. Scene Description: DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." Two men and a woman sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. DMV official: [seated in the middle, takes a license from an elderly man] Alrighty. [cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [a fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker] Elderly man 2: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! Elderly woman 6: That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us. [the senior with the walker leaves the table] DMV official: We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [cuts up another license] There we go. Elderly man 6: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine? DMV official: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm? Elderly man 7: Some of us would rather die! DMV official: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too. Elderly woman 7: We aren't second-class citizens! Elderly man 8: That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride! An Elderly Man: Yeah... Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys leave the house. Cartman: Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong? Marvin: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around. Stan: Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving. Marvin: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides! Kyle: [to the other boys] Well, look at it this way: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside. Cartman: My God, he's right. [the boys climb in, strap themselves in, and Cartman offers a quick prayer] Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Marvin starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [a few moments later] Except for you, Kyle. Marvin: Okay, all set? [he backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The boys wince at every accident] Kenny: (Oooooo my God!) [a police cruiser catches up to them] Stan: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa. Marvin: Eh? [signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron! Barbrady: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over! Cartman: I believe that's us... thank God. [Marvin pulls over to the side and stops. Barbrady stops as well and approaches the driver side.] Barbrady: Could I see your license, please? Marvin: I ain't got one! You peckers took it! Barbrady: Well then, I have to take you to jail. Marvin: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try! Scene Description: The police jail. Marvin sits behind bars with a cane. Marvin: Stupid son of a- God damnit! Barbrady: I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh. Randy: Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now! Marvin: Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch! Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?! Marvin: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve. Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [wags his left index finger at Marvin] Who's the sorry-sorry? Marvin: Kiss my sagging ass! Randy: Well fine. I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did! Marvin: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP! Stan: What's that? Marvin: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' discriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! [points to Randy] And you're gonna be sorry when they get here! Scene Description: Mr. garrison's Classroom, day. He is giving a history lesson to the class. Mr. Garrison: And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicolas Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what [notices something outside and goes to the window, his voice fading off] the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid... Mr. Garrison: [What he sees is elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the school grounds. The kids' eyes follow him and then the kids gather at the window with him] That's odd. [the AARP has landed] Those ROTC guys are way off course. [the paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload some firearms] Cartman: More old people! Stan: The American Association of Retired Persons. Mr. Garrison: Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back. AARP leader: Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta! AARP member 1: [a heavyset woman] Bravo Team is go. AARP member 2: [a light-skinned black man] Move! Move! Move! AARP member 3: [a woman in purple dress] Let's go! Let's go! [Mr. Garrison comes out to meet them.] Mr. Garrison: Uh, can I help you folks find something? [the woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semi-automatic.] Oowww! [goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semi-automatics, whatever. The kids look on and gasp] Cartman: Old people gone mad! Scene Description: U.S. Geological Service. Randy sits at his desk making notes when he hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. He spins around in his chair to see more AARP paratroopers. He rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. Randy starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks. AARP member: [woman wearing a flower-design dress] Contact. [quickly aims her machine gun at Randy] Put your hands up, young man! Scene Description: South Park Jail. Marvin is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters the jail and approach the cell. AARP leader: Marvin Marsh? Marvin: [turns around] Yes? AARP leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back. Marvin: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill. Stewart: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Scene Description: Shady Acres, a Retirement Community. The AARP has arrived. AARP leader: [a black man] It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades! Scene Description: Shady Acres, inside Male nurse: There now, Mr. Johnson. [wheels a senior across the room] We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast. [the front doors swing open and the nurse stops in his tracks. The AARP members swarm in] Can I help you? AARP leader: Help this! [jams the butt of his gun into the nurse, and the nurse falls.] The revolution is on, brother! [hands Mr. Johnson a semi-automatic] We're taking control of the town! Mr. Johnson: Well, alright, well it's about damn time! [addresses the nursing home residents] Hey everyone, we're taking the town. [other seniors look at him and express their approval] Scene Description: The television room. More seniors there are watching TV. AARP member: [enters with the black leader] Seniors, we're taking the town over. AARP leader: The revolution is on! [walks away] Elderly woman: The revolution? Elderly man: Oh, I'd better get my other sweater. [goes to change while the others leave the room] Scene Description: A convalescent room. A nurse: [distributing weapons] Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun? Mrs. Wyland: Oh, I suppose so. Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. One of the members brings Randy forward. Randy: What the hell is going on?! AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there! [Randy joins Gerald and other adult hostages] Gerald: Randy, what is this? Stewart: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP! Marvin: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now! Randy: Dad, what are you doing?? Marvin: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back! Elderly woman: [in dark-blue dress] Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too! AARP leader: [black] That's right. Elderly man: Yeah. Man in Vest: [handcuffed in front] Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens. Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages! Man in vest: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that. [the elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at the man point blank. The man falls down dead] Marvin: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill? Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs! Randy: This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt! Marvin: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now! Scene Description: South Park, day. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. Mrs. Wyland stands behind some sandbags with her IV unit. Marvin: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station. AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer. Stewart: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country! AARP lookout: [a black woman] We've got company! [the military arrives] Tank driver: [over a PA system] Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over! Stewart: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business. Mrs. Applegate: [holding an RPG launcher] All right. [fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers] Tank driver: What do you want? Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? Marvin: We want our licenses back! Other seniors: Yeah! Elderly woman: That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care! Other seniors: Yeah! Elderly man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! Other seniors: Yeah! Scene Description: Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Randy is one of those warming his hands over a fire. He moans. The boys arrive, having not been arrested. Stan: Hey Dad. Randy: [runs to the fence] Stan! Boys! You're safe! Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them? Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the entire country. Randy: [exasperated] Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them! Stan: No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it? Randy: No, son. We... like to sleep in. An elderly woman: Two hostages come front and center! [Randy looks back, alarmed]. Randy: They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!! [the boys turn and leave] Boys, avenger me! AVENGE ME!! Scene Description: The woods. The boys have set up a little camp there for the night. Stan: All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town. The old people have blockades here [south entrance] and here [west entrance]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office. Cartman: So our only solution is to cut off their life force. Kyle: We can't fight them, Cartman. Cartman: No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [runs his finger along the map to its destination] Here. Kyle: Country Kitchen Buffet? Cartman: Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do. Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman! Cartman: Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs. And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week. Stan: Yeah, I remember hearing about that. Kyle: Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down? Cartman: I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight. Cartman: We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people. [they appear from the sides of buildings dressed in black and then gather in front of one of them] At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town. [they head for a train at the South Park Train Station and climb into a caboose. Kenny pulls on the horn] Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office[the elderly guards sleep standing up and fail to take notice of any sound] and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Cartman: Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside. Scene Description: Cartman does all the strapping, and he brings out a remote-control trigger as Kyle approaches the restaurant's front door. He presses the button and the buffet blows up. Kyle's charred hat drops back in front of the boys. The boys cheer. Cartman: Yeah! Stan: All right! Kenny: (Woohoo!) Cartman: Aw yeah! Stan: We did it! [Cartman is finished and the others look at him like he's crazy] Stan: ...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in. Cartman: Well, right, or we could always do that. Scene Description: South Park, day. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery. Stewart: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out! AARP Members: [amid other cheers] All right! Marvin: Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back. Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Huh?? [lowers his hand] Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five! Marvin: Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile? Stewart: [approaches the front door of Country Kitchen Buffet] Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2! [tries to get the doors open, but finds they're locked. He scratches his head] What the heck? [checks again, but the doors remain locked] Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open! Elderly man 9: It's not open? It has to be! [each man takes a door and tries to open it, but the doors won't budge] Elderly man 10: Try a window. Elderly man 11: [bangs on a window, to no avail] They're blocked from the inside. Stewart: No... [bangs frantically on the double doors] Let us in! Let us in! Elderly man 9: Open the door! It's six a.m. [the other seniors come up and bang on the windows] Elderly woman: Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us! Elderly man: You have to let us in! [a few hours later and all the seniors are sprawled out on the snow. One of them is still trying to crawl. A few more hours and all movement has stopped] Army official: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [walks up to the boys] That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country. [Randy and Sharon arrive rubbing their eyes. Gerald and Sheila arrive also] Randy: Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over? Army Official: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks. Stewart: [two soldiers escort his fatigued self away] Country Kitchen... wha-what happened? Soldier: [one of two escorting Marvin] Sir, what should we do with this one? Army official: It's up to the townspeople. Randy: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does. Stan: Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault! Randy: Huh? Stan: Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it. Marvin: That's right. Stan: And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine. Marvin: I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families. Randy: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family. People died, but we all grew a little. Let's just go home. Marvin: Sure. I'll drive. Randy: [laughs and goes to wheel Marvin off] That's our Grandpa. [both men and Sharon laugh] Stan: [to his friends] Dude, I hate my family. [looks down embarrassed and walks away]
Mot: there's a time when you want to call a Romulan's bluff and there's a time when you don't. Wouldn't you say? Picard: Well, one does not always have the luxury Mot: You've got to choose your time and place with them. True or false? Picard: Yes, wherever possible. Mot: So, this time you were lucky. I suppose all's well that ends well but if I'd been in your shoes Picard: Well, you know, that really does look very nice, Mister Mot. I think that will be sufficient. Mot: Hold on There. I must tell you, Captain, Will Riker was in for a trim yesterday and he agrees with me a hundred per cent. Riker: Bridge to Captain Picard. Picard: Yes? Riker: Sorry to interrupt. Riker: We're receiving an emergency distress signal from the Solarion Four colony. Mot: Uh oh. That's right along the Cardassian border. Picard: Lay in a new course. I'm on my way. Mot: I told him we shouldn't colonize so close to the Cardassians. Picard: Report. Riker: The signal ended abruptly at oh four five five. Unable to raise them on subspace. Picard: Hail them on upper and lower band frequencies, Mister Worf. Worf: I've tried. No response. Picard: Time to the Solarion system? Data: Twenty six minutes, Captain. Picard: I understand you've been discussing alternative adversarial engagement strategy with Mister Mot. Riker: It would be more accurate to say he was discussing them with me. He's the best barber in Starfleet. What can you do? Worf: Sir, receiving another signal of a vessel leaving orbit of Solarion Four. New frequency, low band, audio only. Picard: Open a channel. Man: This is the Bajora. We claim responsibility for the destruction of the Federation colony on Solarion Four. As long as we are without our homeland, no one will be safe in this sector. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 45076.3. We have arrived at Lya Station Alpha with survivors from Solarion Four. Admiral Kennelly has rendezvoused to discuss the Bajoran terrorist attack. Kennelly: Sorry. Picard: Ginger tea with honey, eighty degrees Celsius. Kennelly: Ginger tea? Picard: My Aunt Adele's cure for the common cold. Kennelly: Common, hell. I picked this up from the Cardassian liaison last weekend. It's some damn virus they've sicked on me. Picard: Did he have anything to say about this attack? Kennelly: It's the same old story for the Cardassians. They've had terrorist problems ever since they annexed the Bajoran home world forty years ago. Picard: But in forty years, they've never attacked a Federation target. Kennelly: A new militant splinter group has broken away from the Bajoran settlement camps. The leader's name is Orta. Apparently he's willing to do whatever he has to to get attention. Picard: And our response? Kennelly: Listen, Jean-Luc, I'm the first to say that the Bajora deserve attention. Chased off their own planet by the Cardassians, forced to wander the galaxy, settling wherever they can find room. It's tragic. Picard: On many worlds we've been to, they are isolated, treated as pariahs. Kennelly: The Federation is sympathetic to their cause, but they're not helping themselves with an attack like this. That's what I want you to communicate to them. Picard: But this could be done through diplomatic channels, Admiral. What do you really want of us? Kennelly: Find this terrorist leader, Orta, and get him back where he belongs any way you can. Picard: Any way I can? Kennelly: The Federation has dozens of settlements in that sector. We can not allow the violence to continue. Picard: And what do I have to offer Orta that might persuade him to cooperate? Kennelly: Amnesty. Picard: Admiral. Kennelly: And a promise that we will immediately begin to address this issue with the Cardassians. Quietly, behind the scenes, using every legitimate means possible. But the Bajora must be patient. Picard: Admiral, they've endured generations of sympathy and promises. How can I believe this Orta will be satisfied with more of the same? Kennelly: It's your job to see to it that he does, Jean-Luc. Riker: Riker to Captain Picard. Picard: Go ahead. Riker: Have you approved Riker: The transfer of a new officer to the Enterprise? Picard: Negative Riker: Well, we've got one, waiting to beam aboard complete with orders. Riker: Ensign Ro Laren. Picard: Ro Laren? From the Wellington? Riker: The same one, sir. Shall I tell her there's been some mistake? Picard: Stand by, Commander. Kennelly: I wrote the orders. I thought she might be valuable to you. Picard: Admiral, respectfully. I would appreciate consulting rights on the assignment of a new officer, especially one with the record of Ro Laren. Kennelly: She's Bajoran. Picard: There are other Bajorans in Starfleet. Assign one of them. Kennelly: I've discussed this situation with her, and I am convinced that she is the right one for this job. Picard: After what happened on Garon Two, she has no business serving on any starship, let alone the flagship, my ship. Kennelly: You're taking her, Captain. It's been arranged. I can't tell you how difficult it was to get her out of prison. Picard: It's that important to you? Kennelly: It's that important to the mission. Picard: Picard to Riker. Riker: Go ahead. Picard: Proceed with the transport. Riker: Sir? Picard: I'll fill you in later. Riker: Yes, sir. Picard: I hope you and I don't regret this, Admiral. Kennelly: You can handle her, Captain, if anyone can. Ro: Ensign Ro Laren reporting as ordered, Commander. Riker: You will follow Starfleet uniform code aboard this ship, Ensign. Riker: There will be members of this crew who will not want to serve with Ensign Laren, sir. Picard: They'll have to learn to live with it. Riker: I intend to demand the highest level of performance from her. Picard: I would expect nothing less. It won't be for long, Will. Come. Picard: Yes, Ensign Laren, please have a seat. Ro: Ensign Ro, sir. Picard: I beg your pardon? Ro: The Bajoran custom has the family name first, the individual's second. I am properly addressed as Ensign Ro. Picard: I'm sorry, I didn't know. Ro: No, there's no reason you should. It's an old custom. Most Bajora these days accept the distortion of their names in order to assimilate. I do not. Picard: I wish to be candid with you, Ensign. Ro: Please. Picard: I'm fully aware of your Starfleet record, your problems on other ships, and the incident on Garon Two that led to your court martial. And I'm concerned about your presence on this delicate mission. Ro: I don't want to be here any more than you want me to be here, sir. Riker: Then why did you accept this assignment? Ro: If I may be equally candid? It's better than prison. Riker: Better than prison? There are officers who wait years to serve on this ship. Ro: Being called back into Starfleet was not my idea. Riker: Nor ours. Picard: Nevertheless, we will all be serving together. Commander Riker and I have expectations of you. Ro: Captain, I know the routine. You don't have to worry about me. We're stuck with each other. So let's just get this over with as quickly as possible and we can go our own separate ways, okay? Picard: Dismissed. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We are approaching the Valo system on the outskirts of Cardassian territory, where many Bajorans have resettled. Data: There are dozens of Bajoran camps on the three class-M planets. I suggest we may want to begin on Valo Three, where an adhoc leader named Jas Holza lives. The Federation has had several dealings with him. Crusher: I met Holza at a symposium a few years ago. Picard: What can you tell us about him, Doctor? Crusher: I found him to be a very concerned leader and a good spokesman for his people. And a terrific dancer. No, really, I'm serious. At a reception afterwards. Troi: At least this man has genuine experience in diplomacy. Picard: And that's a big advantage on this mission. Very well. Mister Data, will you contact Holza, arrange a meeting? Data: Sir. Riker: Ensign Ro, you're familiar with this star system. You'll take the conn. Is there a problem, Ensign? Ro: You're wasting your time. Holza is nobody. He's the token Bajoran that respectable people invite to symposiums and diplomatic soirees. But he has no real influence among my people. Data: Ensign, whom do you suggest we speak to? Ro: Don't you understand? These are desperate people ready to martyr themselves. They don't want to talk. Worf: This ship is prepared to defend itself if necessary. Ro: Oh, it will be. Don't fool yourself. This mission will end in bloodshed. Picard: Well, let's hope that you're mistaken, Ensign. But can you point us at the right individual, as Mister Data suggested? Ro: I would go to the camp on the southern continent of Valo Two. Find a man named Keeve Falor. He has no diplomatic experience. And he won't ask you to dance. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. I read about the achievements of the ancient Bajoran civilization in my fifth grade reader. They were architects and artists, builders and philosophers when humans were not yet standing erect. Now I see how history has rewarded them. Ro: This used to be me. Keeve: Baleekam. Balleek, balleek. Baleekam! Baleek. Keeve: Ro Laren. It's been a long time. Ro: Keeve Falor, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Commander Data and Lieutenant Worf. Picard: I'm pleased you agreed to meet with us, Mister Keeve. Keeve: You honor me by the proper use of my name, Captain. Picard: Ensign Ro has educated me. Keeve: Has she? I'm pleased you still remember. Let me show you our camp. We are not a violent race, Captain. Just passionate about our cause. And that passion has led some to take up arms. Picard: Do you know where we can find Orta? Keeve: I'm afraid not. Picard: Can you help us locate him? Keeve: I'm sorry, I don't wish to help you. Don't misunderstand. I for one believe the raid on the Federation outpost was poor judgment. You are innocent bystanders, and I cannot condone violence against those who are not our enemies. Picard: Then I don't understand why you are unwilling? Keeve: Because you are innocent bystanders. You were innocent bystanders for decades as the Cardassians took our homes, as they violated and tortured our people in the most hideous ways imaginable, as we were forced to flee. Picard: We were saddened by those events but they occurred within the designated borders of the Cardassian Empire. Keeve: And the Federation is pledged not to interfere in the internal affairs of others. How convenient that must be for you, to turn a deaf ear to those who suffer behind a line on a map. Picard: Well, I'm not here to debate Federation policy with you, but I can offer you assistance. Keeve: Simply because of one terrorist attack? Perhaps I should have known that. We should have attacked the Federation long ago. What do you think of that, Ro? Ro: I think you're a small man who feels a rush of power in his belly and enjoys it far too much, Keeve. Stop talking and listen. Picard: We've had our problems with the Cardassians too, but now that we have a treaty, we're in a position to help. Your people have been forced to resettle all over the quadrant. But now we can make a legitimate case with the Cardassians that this is not an isolated problem. We can work diplomatically on your behalf. But first, these terrorist attacks must end. Keeve: We live in different universes, you and I. Yours is about diplomacy, politics, strategy. Mine is about blankets. If we were to exchange places for one night, you might better understand. Picard: Mister Data, see to it that the replicators provide a blanket for every man, woman and child before nightfall. Data: Aye, sir. Picard: Mister Worf, determine what these people may have in the way of emergency needs and provide for them. Worf: Yes, sir. Keeve: Thank you. Return to your ship. I will contact you when I have any information that might be of assistance to you. Ensign. Picard: You were helpful. Ro: The blankets were helpful. Nothing I said mattered. Picard: In an age when their technology should be able to clothe and feed all of them, that they should have to live like this. Ro: I couldn't, and I wouldn't. That's one reason I ran away. They're lost, defeated. I will never be. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 45077.8. Keeve Falor has kept his promise and directed us toward the third moon of Valo One, where we will meet tomorrow with the terrorist leader, Orta. Troi: Do you mind if we join you? Ro: Yes. Laforge: I'll tell you one thing. If I find myself on an away team with Ensign Ro, I won't turn my back on her. Guinan: Perhaps the Captain thought she'd be valuable on the mission? Laforge: That was orders. Had to be. She doesn't belong here. She doesn't even belong in the uniform, as far as I'm concerned. Guinan: Really? Laforge: Really. Guinan: Sounds like someone I'd like to know. Excuse me. Guinan: Am I disturbing you? Ro: Yes. Guinan: Good. You look like someone who wants to be disturbed. Ro: I'd rather be alone. Guinan: Oh, no you wouldn't. Ro: I beg your pardon? Guinan: If you wanted to be alone, you would've stayed in your quarters. The only reason to come here is to be amongst people. Ro: Who are you? Guinan: My name is Guinan. I tend bar, and I listen. Ro: Heard anything interesting? Guinan: Everyone's talking about you. Ro: Heard anything interesting? Guinan: Mmm hmm. Ro: Well, it's all true. Guinan: I believe truth is in the eye of the beholder. Ro: Isn't that supposed to be beauty? Guinan: Truth, beauty. It works for a lot of things. They say you never told the true story about Galon Two. They also say you didn't defend yourself at your court martial. Ro: What was to defend? I didn't follow orders. Eight members of the away team died. Guinan: Your fault? Ro: Yeah, my fault. Guinan: So you sit alone in crowded rooms staring at your drink. I think you enjoy it. Ro: I enjoy it? Guinan: You work so hard at torturing yourself, I can only think you must enjoy it. Ro: Who are you? Guinan: I told you. I'm Guinan. I tend bar, and I listen. Ro: You're not like any bartender I ever met before. Guinan: And you're not like any Starfleet officer I've ever met before, but that sounds like the beginning of a very interesting friendship. Ro: I don't stay anywhere long enough to make friends. Guinan: Too late. You just did. Excuse me. Crewwoman: Bridge to Ensign Ro. Ro: Go ahead. Crewwoman: Subspace communication coming in for you, Ensign. Ro: Thank you. Ro: Computer, direct subspace transmission to monitor. Kennelly: Your report, Ensign. Ro: Everything is going exactly as you predicted, Admiral. Picard: Any indications of weapons or vessels beneath the surface? Riker: The composition of the moon's crust is blocking the sensors. Picard: Which is very likely why they chose this moon for their base of operations. Riker: We're on a timetable here. Where's Ro? Picard: Captain Picard to Ensign Ro. Data: Computer, locate Ensign Ro. Computer: Ensign Ro is not on board the Enterprise. Worf: Check the transport log. Collins: She beamed down almost six hours ago, sir. Picard: Any activity at the meeting site? Chief: No, sir. They didn't show up. Riker: What the hell is going on? Picard: Prepare to transport us to the same location Ensign Ro beamed to. Mister Worf, phasers. Data: I am picking up molecular displacement traces. That suggests movement through this area during the last ten hours. Picard: See if we can determine their direction. Standard search pattern. Worf: Maintain tricorder security link. Picard: Mister Worf, you come with me. Troi: Data, I'm picking up energy fluctuations over here. Troi to Picard. Captain, acknowledge. Data: Data to Picard. Data to Worf. Bajoran: Hold it. Orta: Captain Picard, I am Orta. Please forgive my appearance. Unfortunately, some years ago, as a guest of the Cardassians, my face was mutilated. My vocal cords were cut. Picard: It was not necessary to abduct us. Orta: I am sorry, but after speaking with Ro Laren, I decided that it was. Picard: Then she has done us both a disservice. I am committed to peace. Orta: I am not at all interested in peace. And I am not convinced you are, either. Ro: Captain, I did not come here to undermine this mission. Picard: Whatever your motives, you've already done enough to damage these negotiations. Ro: I came here to convince these people to listen to you. I didn't want this to end in bloodshed. Picard: There will be no bloodshed. Ro: You don't know all the facts, sir. Picard: Then perhaps you would share them with me, Ensign. Orta: All is not what it seems to be, Captain. Perhaps someone is using you to get to me. Perhaps you are a victim of this deception as well. I do not know. Picard: Deception? Orta: Your mission was to seek out the Bajoran terrorists who destroyed the Federation settlement on Solarion Four. Picard: Yes. Orta: As I have informed Ro Laren, it was not the Bajora. Worf: He admits responsibility for dozens of attacks on Cardassian targets. Why should we believe him about Solarion Four? Ro: He has no reason to lie. Worf: He fears our reprisal. Troi: I perceived no fear or deception from him. Worf: If they did not attack Solarion Four, then who did? And why would anyone want to falsely implicate the Bajora? Data: Perhaps someone wanted to draw us into the conflict. Ro: What would anyone gain by doing that? Picard: Ensign Ro, may I see you in my Ready room? Ro: Yes, sir. Picard: You do not leave this ship without authorisation. Ro: Captain, I'm sorry, but I Picard: This is not a discussion. You're restricted to your quarters for the remainder of this mission. Dismissed. Ro: What? Guinan: Hello, it's me, Guinan. I heard you got grounded. Ro: I really don't feel like talking right now. Guinan: Come on, sure you do. Ro: Why is it, every time I tell you something, you tell me I mean the exact opposite? Guinan: Because you're one of those people who's got their poles reversed. Do you want to talk about it? Ro: It's nothing you can help me with. Guinan: How do you know until you try? Ro: Look, I got myself into this. I'm just trying to figure a way out. That's all. Without anyone getting killed this time. Seems like everybody's just pulling my strings, you know? Like I've got no control. Guinan: For people like you and me, who've lost their homes, sometimes that's the way life feels. Ro: I'm in trouble. There's more going on here than anybody on this ship realizes. It's more than I know how to deal with. And I really don't know who to trust anymore. Guinan: Including yourself? Ro: Especially myself. Guinan: You know, a very long time ago, I got into some serious trouble too. And I mean serious. And I'd probably still be there if I hadn't trusted one man. Picard: Come. Guinan: Ensign Ro has some things she'd like to talk to you about. Picard: Ensign Ro has been confined to her quarters. Guinan: Well, she can go back to her quarters when she's done. Picard: Guinan, I don't know why you are involved in this, but Guinan: She's my friend. Picard: Please sit down. Guinan is very selective about whom she calls a friend. Ro: Sir, when I'm finished telling you what I have to tell you, I'm probably going to end up back in the stockade one way or the other. And if that's how this has to be, then I just can't do this anymore. Picard: What can you not do anymore, Ensign? Ro: Admiral Kennelly came to me in prison and told me he'd arrange to get me out if I'd go on a mission. Picard: I know that part. Ro: No, sir. Not this mission. One for him and only him. You were being sent to talk, to negotiate. The Admiral knew that was hopeless. My job was to give Orta an incentive. Picard: What kind of incentive? Ro: One that you couldn't offer. One that Starfleet couldn't offer. Orta was to end the terrorism against the Federation and return with his people to the camps. In exchange he would get weapons, ships, things that would really make a difference against the Cardassians in the future. Picard: I find that almost impossible to believe. That Admiral Kennelly would consider supplying weapons to the terrorists? Ro: If you ask him, he'll deny it. But it's true. I didn't leave the ship without authorisation, Captain. I received it from the Admiral last night. Picard: You have been in contact with Admiral Kennelly during this mission? Ro: Yes, sir. The subspace log can confirm that part of it at least. Picard: Arming these people is a violation of everything that the Federation stands for. Even you cannot be blind to that. Ro: No, sir, I'm not. But this was something I had to do. You see, Captain, when I was seven years old I was given a piece of sugar candy and I was led by a Cardassian into a room where my father was sitting. And he looked at me with eyes I'd never seen. The Cardassian began to ask him questions, and during the next two hours, as I was forced to watch, my father was tortured until he died. And I remember feeling so ashamed of him as he begged for mercy. I was ashamed of him for being weak. I was ashamed of being Bajoran. Later I began to understand how misguided those feelings were. And yet somehow, they have remained a part of me. I don't want to be ashamed of my heritage any longer, Captain. I serve the Federation. But I am Bajoran. A Starfleet Admiral presented me with an opportunity to help my people in their fight against the Cardassians. I had to accept it. Picard: Have you made this offer to Orta? Ro: No. After he told me the Bajora hadn't attacked Solarion Four, nothing made sense anymore. I decided to wait until I could figure out what was going on. Picard: That was a wise choice, Ensign. It probably saved you from another court martial. Have you briefed Admiral Kennelly since we returned from the surface? Ro: No, sir. Captain, I don't know who to trust anymore. But that strange bartender of yours has a way of getting to you, and she said that you were her friend. Picard: Then we have one thing in common. Do you think that Orta would cooperate with us to determine the truth here? Ro: I think I could persuade him to. Picard: Good. Our orders were to find him, to bring him back to the camps any way we could. Perhaps that is exactly what we should do. Ro: And then what? Picard: And then watch what happens. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. I have become convinced that we are somehow involved in a conspiracy. I am hopeful the purpose behind it will be revealed in the next few hours. Kennelly: Well done, Captain. Picard: It was a team effort, Admiral. Ensign Ro was invaluable. Kennelly: Good. What's the next step? Picard: The Enterprise will escort a Bajoran Antares class carrier to the Valo Three camp at oh five hundred hours. Orta and his people will be aboard. Kennelly: Good. Keep us advised of your progress. Picard: Acknowledged. How's that Cardassian virus, Admiral? Kennelly: A lot better, thank you. Picard: I'm pleased. We will report as soon as our mission is accomplished. Picard out. Riker: Ensign Ro, take us to the designated coordinates. Ro: Aye, sir. Picard: Mister Data, keep an eye on the Cardassian border. Data: Aye, sir. Worf: The Bajoran vessel is moving up from the surface, Captain. Picard: On screen. Hail them, Mister Worf. Worf: Audio channel open. The ship does not have visual capabilities. Picard: This is Captain Picard. We're prepared to escort you to Valo Three. Woman: Acknowledged, Captain. Be advised that our ship is limited to half impulse. Picard: Ensign Ro, set a course for Valo Three, half impulse. Ro: Aye, sir. Data: I am monitoring increased activity inside Cardassian space. Two ships are moving along the border heading one four two mark zero five one. Picard: Can you identify the class of these ships, Mister Worf? Worf: Cardassian warships, Galor class, type three. Riker: Top of the line. Data: They are moving into a course parallel to our own, Captain. Picard: Yellow alert. Continue to monitor them. Riker: Ensign Ro, what's the closest we come to the Cardassian border on our current heading to Valo Three? Ro: Thirteen thousand, four hundred kilometers, sir. Riker: ETA? Ro: Eight minutes. Picard: That's where it will be. Data: The Cardassian ships are changing course, sir. They are crossing the border. Worf: They're increasing power to their forward weapon grid. Riker: Red alert. Picard: Ensign Ro, set a course to intercept the Cardassians. Mister Worf, open a channel to the Bajoran vessel. Worf: Open. Picard: This is the Enterprise. We are moving to intercept two Cardassian warships. Maintain your present course and speed. Woman: Acknowledged, Enterprise. Worf: The Cardassians are within visual range. Picard: On screen. Worf: They are hailing us, sir. Picard: Open a channel, Mister Worf. This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. How can we help you? Dolak: Gul Dolak, Cardassian Militia Four One. We have no argument with you, Captain. Picard: I'm pleased to hear that, Gul Dolak, for all of us in the Federation value the peaceful relations with our Cardassian neighbors. Dolak: No more than we value the relations with our Federation neighbors. Picard: Well, now that we've established our mutual good will, what's on your mind? Dolak: We have identified the Bajoran ship you are escorting as a terrorist carrier. Picard: Terrorist carrier? Are you certain? Dolak: Most certain, Captain. It has committed many crimes against us. We know its markings well. Picard: Rest assured, Gul Dolak, there will be no terrorist attacks today. We are escorting the Bajoran settlers to their camp on Valo Three. You can monitor their course if you wish. Dolak: We would request that you withdraw and leave the matter to us. Picard: This is neutral space, Gul Dolak. You have no jurisdiction here. Dolak: Nor do you. Picard: If we withdraw, what do you intend to do with the Bajoran vessel? Dolak: We intend to destroy it. Picard: I see. That puts me in a difficult position. I promised to escort these people to their camps. Dolak: You are protecting the enemies of the Cardassian people. If you do not withdraw, we will take great offense. Picard: I'm sorry to offend you, Gul Dolak, but we cannot withdraw. Dolak: We are prepared to take any steps necessary. Picard: Is that intended as a threat? Dolak: It is a complaint from your Cardassian neighbors. You have one hour to withdraw. Picard: Advise Starfleet of our status, Mister Data. When Admiral Kennelly calls, I'll speak to him in my Ready room. Picard: It seemed, Admiral, that they knew our course, our destination, our plan. Kennelly: I'm sure they monitor the border at all times for terrorist activity. Their sensors must picked up Orta's ship, that's all. Picard: I'm not convinced of that. Kennelly: The important thing is, what do we do now? Picard: Do you have any suggestions, Admiral? Kennelly: Your top priority is to protect the Cardassian treaty. Picard: Sir, I see no way to protect the Cardassian peace without sacrificing the Bajorans. Kennelly: If that's your call, I'll support it. Picard: No. I'm not willing to give them up. Kennelly: I don't think you're looking at the big picture, Jean-Luc. We can't afford to lose the Cardassian treaty. Picard: Well, I just see a different big picture, Admiral. It looks something like this. I see the Cardassian liaison, with his Cardassian virus, coming to meet with you after the attack on Solarion Four. Now we have a common enemy, he says. The Bajoran terrorists. The Cardassians can't find them, but maybe the Federation can. I'm beginning to see that our mission has, in fact, been to expose Orta so that the Cardassians can move in and destroy him. Kennelly: I think you've lost your perspective, Captain. We'll discuss this further when you return. For now, I'm giving you a direct order to withdraw. Kennelly out. Picard: Ensign Ro, set a course, bearing one eight seven mark one zero two, one quarter impulse. Ro: Aye, sir. Riker: He's ordered us to withdraw? Worf: The Cardassians are moving toward the Bajoran vessel, Captain. Picard: Hold present course. Worf: The Bajoran ship has been destroyed. Data: Subspace signal coming from Starfleet, Captain. Admiral Kennelly. Picard: On screen. Data: It is on a secure channel, sir. In your ready room? Picard: No. Here. On screen. Kennelly: Report. Picard: The Cardassians have destroyed the Bajoran ship, Admiral. Kennelly: All hands lost? Picard: No, sir. Kennelly: Survivors? Picard: No, sir. No one was on board. Kennelly: What are you talking about? Picard: The ship was controlled from the ground. Communication was handled through a subspace relay on board the vessel. Kennelly: This was your idea, Picard? Picard: Actually, no. It was Ensign Ro's idea but I fully endorsed it. I suspected that something like this might occur. Kennelly: They're terrorists, damn it. Why in the hell would you want to protect them? Picard: Admiral, I am more concerned with protecting the honor and integrity of Starfleet. Kennelly: Do you know how many of our people they killed on Solarion Four? Picard: The Bajorans did not attack Solarion Four. Kennelly: Who told you that? Orta? Picard: Yes. Kennelly: And you believed him? Picard: Admiral, Orta's ships are old and obsolete. They don't even have warp capabilities. They couldn't have reached another star system, let alone attacked one. Kennelly: But then who's responsible? Picard: I would suggest you ask your friend the Cardassian liaison, Admiral. The only explanation I can think of is that the Cardassians staged it. Kennelly: The Cardassians? Why? Picard: Perhaps they were hoping to find someone in Starfleet like you, Admiral, naive enough to solve their Bajoran problem for them. Ro: What will happen to him? Picard: I'm not sure. A hearing, certainly. Probably a court martial. Ro: Well, if he's sent to the stockade on Jaros Two, tell him to request a room in the east wing. The west wing gets awfully hot in the afternoons. How soon do you intend to return to Lya Station Alpha, sir? Picard: In a few weeks. We have some surveying to do in sector two one three oh five. Ro: Perhaps I should arrange for some other transportation back. Picard: Ensign, you were recruited for one mission and if you wish to be relieved of further duty, I can certainly arrange it. But I'd like you to consider remaining in Starfleet. Ro: You're not serious. Picard: I think it would be a shame for Starfleet to lose someone of your potential. Ro: Well, thank you, Captain, but this uniform just doesn't fit, and you know it. Picard: That can change. Ro: I don't think so. Picard: I've noticed qualities in you that could be harnessed, molded. Ro: Don't count on it. Picard: I think you've got a great deal to learn from Starfleet. Ro: I always thought Starfleet had a lot to learn from me, Captain. Picard: That is an attitude I've found common among the best officers I've ever served with. You're not one of them yet, but you could be, if you work at it. Ro: That's an interesting challenge. And I rarely refuse an interesting challenge. There would have to be one condition. Picard: Condition? Picard: Picard to Enterprise. Two to beam up.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hallway wearing a fake Oculus headset. He stumbles along as if he's actually in virtual reality. He checks out the other kids, the floor, the surroundings... Butters: WHOOAA! It's all so real! Uh this is amazing! It's like I'm there! [Craig turns to watch] I see all our friends at school. Oh wow! If I hold up my hands, I can see them too. Whooaa... [He and Stan bump into each other and Butters begins to run his hands over him] Wow, you were right. I can actually feel it. Stan: [holding Butters off] Butters, what the hell are you doing? Butters: I feel Stan! He looks totally real! Cartman: [hidden around the corner, in front of the camera] That's awesome, Butters. [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Keep making your way down the hallway. Your vital signs are looking good. What do you see now? [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Butters: More of the school. [Clyde talks to Bebe, who then leaves] Clyde: What are you doing, Butters? Butters: The school and all the kids. [Clyde walks away] I still can't hear any sound except for your voice. Cartman: Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but I- [mutes the walkie-talkie and whispers] He's so fucking stupid. [un-mutes it] But I'm sure they will soon. Butters: [beginning to wobble] Ah, okay uh, I think I'm done, Eric. Ah I'm feeling kind of dizzy and uh- [about to take off the fake headset] Cartman: [watching him from around the corner] Butters, no! Are you crazy?! Butters: What what what? Cartman: What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back in the access hub?? Butters: [turns so that he's facing away from the camera] Oh yeah, that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot! Cartman: You forgot your neurons would be torn apart?! Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality you die in real life, Butters?! Butters: I'm sorry! Cartman: You need to find your way back to my room. Can you do that?? Butters: Yeah. Cartman: You only have eight minutes before the battery protocol dies, Butters. You have to hurry! Butters: [begins to run] Oh Jesus! [Cartman looks on from around the corner] Scene Description: From school to home. Butters comes out the front doors and runs to the sidewalk. He looks both ways and runs off to his left. Next, Cartman's house is shown the Cartman's room. Butters makes it inside, where Cartman has put up fluorescent posters and accents Butters: Okay, I'm back in your room! Cartman: Alright Butters, sit down at the computer. [Butters does this] Now drop the suppornity window! We're just gonna make it! Butters: [drops a shield over the glasses] Suppornity window dropped. [Cartman enters his room, locks the door and turns on the lights, then walks over to Butters and removes the fake headset. Butters wipes his eyes] Cartman: Welcome back, dude. Butters: Wow! That was cool! Cartman: How do you feel? Do you feel okay? Butters: I touched Wendy's boob. [smiles] Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman is at table with Kyle, Token, Kenny, Stan, and Jimmy. Cartman is laughing his ass off, but soon gets back to his story Cartman: And then, and then he, he took off the shop goggles, and he was all like, "Whoa, I'm back." [pounds his left fist on the table] Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever! Stan: Sound pretty typical to me. Cartman: Come on, guys! This is the cure de gars of Butters' torture! Kyle: Coup de grah, Cartman Cartman: Thank you, Kyle. Stan: Poor Butters. Can't you just leave him alone? Cartman: Dude, Butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay?! Butters: Hey Eric! What'd ya say to the principal for missing first period? [in a knowing voice] Not that we were doing anything interesting. Right Eric? [chuckles] Cartman: Yeah, I just told her I was running late and that it won't happen again. Butters: You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school and I said "Well, technically I was in school." Tee hee. Sorry guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't. Not that it's anything that cool. Right Eric? Cartman: Right Butters. [softly over his left shoulder] These guys are so dumb, huh? Butters: Yeah. [runs off with his food tray] Cartman: See? He's an asshole. Fuck him. Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Butters is at the computer while Cartman holds the fake headset in hand Cartman: Each time you go into the virtual world it becomes more and more dangerous. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Butters? Butters: Well, not a hundred percent... Cartman: Even 10% is good enough. Here you go. [hands him the headset and Butters puts it on.] Butters: Okay, subject is ready. Cartman: [picks up the walkie-talkie] Okay, Butters, I'm booting up the core competency now. [presses a few keys on the keyboard] Edifice framework is online. Vital signs appear to be normal. Interim status? Butters: Interim status is go. Cartman: [turns off the room light so the fluorescent lights stand out] Digital malcontent now at parameter alpha. Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, [raises the shield]Mark. [quickly hides in the closet as Butters gets accustomed to the headset again] Butters: It worked! I'm back in. All systems normal. Cartman: All right, Butters. Behind you you should see the door. Go through it and head outside. Butters: Going now! [bumps into the door frame, then goes downstairs. A second or two later Cartman comes out of the closet, turns on the light, goes to his computer and sits on his chair] Cartman: Everything looks good, Butters. You're doing great. Let's get to work. Butters: Okay. Scene Description: Stan's room, night. Stan is reading a book when he heats something outside. He sets the book aside and looks out his window. He sees Butters shoveling snow off people's driveways Butters: How much more of this am I supposed to clear up? Cartman: You're doing great. Almost done with this level Butters. Just make sure you clear the driveway and uh walkway of all the virtual snow. Butters: Okay. It's so realistic. [a shot of Stan watching from across the street.] The snow looks kind of fake though. [Stan leaves the window] Alright, I think that's all of it. Cartman: Okay, nice, Butters. Uhhm, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell. This is the part where you collect the money. Butters: [rings the doorbell. A middle-aged woman answers the door with a dollar bill in her hand] There's an old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me! Cartman: Just take the money, Butters! [Butters reaches for the bill and takes it.] Butters: Okay, I got it! Cartman: You got the money? [Butters walks down the walkway as the lady closes the front door] Okay great, Butters. Now get back to the access point. Butters: Already? Oh no! Cartman: Yeah, Butters, the discrepancy bars are oscillating. You need to uh, come back. [eats some more chips] Are you heading back Butters? [no reply.] Butters? [Butters goes home] Alright, Butters, you should be heading back to the access point now. You're going off grid. Butters: I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I gotta do real quick. [goes inside, leaving the front door open] Stephen: There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?! Butters: Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters! Stephen: I know that! What do you-? Butters: This is for all the times I got grounded! [makes a fist and fires it at Stephen's groin. Stephen doubles over in pain] Stephen: Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh! Butters: HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [at the other end of the call, Cartman is shocked] Haha! How do you like that, Dad?! Linda: Butters, why?? Oh my God! Butters: Huh, that was incredible! Cartman: [getting worried] Uh, Butters, uhh, get back to the access point now. Butters: I feel amazing! [giggles] I'm back outside now. I'm a baaaaad man! You hear me?! [starts throwing rocks] Eh take that, you stupid cars! [a hit car screeches to a halt] Driver: [steps out of the car] What the hell are you doing, kid?! Cartman: Butters, it's, uhh, time to stop. Get back to my place. Butters: [knocks the driver out of the car] Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like Grand Theft Auto! Driver: Hey! [Butters peels away] Butters: Whoa! I'm in the car now. Cartman: Oh shit! [runs outside] Butters! Butters, where are you now? Butters: Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here. Cartman: Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay? Butters: I'm gonna beat her up and take her money! Cartman: Wait, hang on Butters! Butters: Take that, you dumb hooker! Hooker: What you doin' motherfucker?! Butters: I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me. Cartman: Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing! Butters: I can't [wheeze] I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH! Cartman: Butters?? Butters?? [turns the walkie-talkie off] Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, now bigger, with two new wings and four floors. Moon shadows appear on the facade. Butters is in a room with a doctor and a nurse Dr. Carroll: You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch. Butters: I... I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality. Dr. Carroll: No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine. Butters: Aw nuts! Dr. Carroll: Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out. [the doctor and nurse leave. The nurse turns off the light] Butters: I wonder how long I'm grounded for? Cartman: Butters. [Butters looks to his right. Dramatic camera pan from Butters to Cartman, who stands on the window sill like Morpheus] Butters: Ahhh! Cartman: Are you okay? Butters: Eric! Uh what are you doing here? Cartman: I'm not here, Butters. Butters: What? Cartman: This is going to be hard to understand, Butters, [climbs down to the floor] but, you've become trapped in a simulation. None of this... [spreads his arms out] is real. Butters: [looks around skeptically] Nuh uh! Cartman: Yeahuh huh. I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I?! We're actually both in my house right now. You're wearing the headset and I'm talking to you as a computer program. That's why I can... manipulate reality. [pulls off the missing thumb trick.] Butters: WHAT?? [Cartman puts on a couple of thumb lights and clicks them on and off in alternate order.] Cartman: You see, in this world, things aren't... what they seam. [pulls out a wand from his sleeve and produces a bouquet of flowers from it] Butters: [now on edge] Aghah. Okay, stop! Stooop! Cartman: Listen to me carefully, Butters. The Oculus Compromise has been streamlined. You can't trust anyone in this reality. Say nothing to no one about the Oculus Rift. If you think they know, they will kill you. Butters: Ah how do you know that?! Cartman: [pressing a buzzer] How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door? [hides under the bed] Nurse: Everything okay in here? Butters: Aaaaah! Yes! Y-yes everything's fine! Nurse: O-kay. [turns around and walks out. Cartman comes out from the window side of the bed] Cartman: Butters. Butters: NO! Cartman: I'm gonna get you back to reality, Butters. But you have to give me time! I've gotta go. The Orion parameters are embellishing. Just stay quiet! [performs another trick in which he gets a coin inside a glass bottle... and succeeds] Butters: [thoroughly scared, shuts his eyes] AAAAAAHAHAH! [he opens them moments later and Cartman is gone.] Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. The four boys await the bus. Kyle is angry at Cartman Kyle: Well? Are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized! Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it. [gets a call] What's a 911 area code? Hello? Steve: Hello, Eric. My name is Steve from Oculus Customer Service. There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help. Cartman: With what? Steve: This is going to be very jarring for you, but, there has been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us. Right now, you're actually in your room at your computer wearing an Oculus headset, but, you're in a coma-like trance, my friend. Cartman: [slowly] Fuck you! Steve: I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long you have forgotten. Kyle: You should probably listen to him, dude. Cartman: Uh huh. 'Cause I thought I was messing with Butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality. Steve: The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend. Cartman: Guys, tell him you're not computer programs. Kyle: [glances at Stan and Kenny] Maybe we are. Cartman: [sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment] Kyle, just- don't be a dick right now. Steve: I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time. Cartman: Do you really think I'm that stupid?! That I believe all of this all along has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you! [Well...] Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Liane has prepared a glazed burger for Cartman and takes it to his room. She knocks on his door. Liane: Eric? Poopsiekins? [hearing no reply, she opens his door and goes in] Eric? [Steve was right. Cartman is at his computer wearing the Oculus headset, in a coma-like trance] Honey, maybe that's enough computer time. It's been about nineteen hours now. [Cartman's left foot twitches] I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but Mommy thought maybe you needed to eat? [this time Cartman moves his whole body] All right, I'll just leave it here, hon. [sets the burger next to the computer] I'm turning in for the night. Mommy loves you.[exits and closes the door] Scene Description: Butters' house, next day. Stephen: What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or the computer! Butters: Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this! Stephen: Oh no, mister. You are GROUNDED! [Butters recoils and Stephen slams the door shut. Butters turns around and goes to sit on the floor beside his bed. The door opens and Cartman enters] Cartman: Are you fucking with me?! Butters: ...What? What do you mean? Cartman: Butters, I'm seriously! Are you fucking with me?! Butters: I don't know what you mean. Cartman: Because if you are, it's not cool! Butters: Eric, you said you were going to get me out of this virtual world! Cartman: Butters, I talked to Oculus Customer Service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality! Butters: Oh really? Oh, that's a relief. Cartman: Oh it's a relief, huh?! Well guess what, Butters! If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means you're nothing but a computer program! Butters: Oh gosh! Cartman: That's right! Butters: OH GOSH! Cartman: THAT'S RIGHT! And you'd better stop messin' around, Butters, so I can help you out of this! Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality you die in real life? Butters: Yeah. Cartman: Well if you get grounded in virtual reality, you get grounded in real life too... FOREVER! [Butters is alarmed] Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are playing tether-ball near the restrooms. Kyle's phone rings Kyle: [answers] Hello? Butters: Kyle, it's Butters. I've been grounded! Kyle: Again? Butters: No no, you don't understand. This time I've been grounded for no good reason! I didn't do anything, Kyle! Kyle: Uh huh. Butters: I think there's somethin' supernatural goin' on. I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded! It doesn't make sense! Kyle: Butters, Butters, I'm, I'm kind of super busy right now. Butters: PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the- Stephen: Butters?! Who is that?! Butters: Ahhh! Wuhhhh! Ahhh- [Kyle looks concerned and hangs up] Kenny: [runs up to Stan and Kyle, panicked] (You guys! You guys, oh shit, come check this out!) Scene Description: Cartman's room. Kenny leads Stan and Kyle inside over to Cartman, who is still passed out wearing the Oculus headset Kenny: (You see? Look at all this dried up food. He must have been here for days!) Kyle: You found Cartman like this and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality? Kenny: (Yeah!) Kyle: [slowly] Fuck you! Kenny: [taken aback] (What??) Kyle: Get up, Cartman! Kenny: [angry] (This isn't a prank, Kyle!) Kyle: Okay, then let's take him to the hospital. You hear that, fatso?! [shakes Cartman's chair] You're goin' to the hospital! Stan: Kyle, maybe this is for real. Kyle: [looks back at Stan, then turns around to face him] Fuck you if you're in on this. Stan: In on what? [thinks a moment...] Ohh, [slowly] Fuck you! Scene Description: The customer service center in India Steve: Yes, no, sorry, but because you bought two business-class tickets I can NOT refund the fares. [listens to the response] That's right, there is nothing we can do. All right. Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean Airlines Customer Service. [clicks to the next caller] El Pollo Loco Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: Oh. Ah, we're trying to reach Oculus Customer Service. Steve: Oh, yes, ah, yes my friend. [clicks again] Oculus Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: Yeah, our friend has been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma wearing your headset. Steve: Ohh yehhs, yes. What is your name please? Kyle: Kyle. Steve: Kyle. I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future. Is that agreeable to you? Kyle: I don't care! Steve: He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully my friend. The headsets we sold you are having some minor problems. Kyle: You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality?! Steve: Yes. And that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall. Do you understand? It is a Total Recall. Kyle: [rolls his eyes, then slowly] Fuck you! Stan: "Fuck you" what? Kyle: He said they're doing a Total Recall. Stan: Oh fuck you! Steve: All right, did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today? Kyle: You haven't done anything yet! Steve: But the customer service - was that reliable? And did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns? Kyle: We need help! Our friend is in a coma! Steve: Uhhh let's see, ah, it looks like... one of you is going to have to put on the Oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point. Could you try that, my friend? [Kyle looks at his phone, then at the user's manual] Scene Description: South Park, morning. A signal interrupts the scenery twice, but is quickly gone Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room. Cartman is pacing the living room trying to calm himself Cartman: It's okay. Everything is cool. Don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all going to be fine. You're cool, Eric. You're cool. [the doorbell rings and he answers. It's Kyle.] Kyle: Hey, Cartman, I need to talk to you. Cartman: I know. Let's go to the backyard. [turns and walks to the backyard. Kyle is quite surprised by Cartman's reaction. Moments later they takes seats at the picnic table out back. A butterfly floats by] Kyle: Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible. Cartman: Okay Kyle. Kyle: Alright, here it goes. Cartman, you aren't really here. Cartman: Mmm. And why do you know that, Kyle? Kyle: Because I saw you. Okay? In your room, passed out, with a VR headset on. Customer Service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here. Cartman: [laces his fingers together, with his index fingers making a steeple in front of his lips] Mmmhmm. Kyle: I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me. Cartman: And why did the guys send you, Kyle? Kyle: Www-what do you mean? Cartman: Kyle, I want you to brace yourself. This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that has been in a coma with a VR headset on. Kyle: Fuck you! Cartman: I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real. You bought the Oculus Rift headset, Kyle. Kyle: Don't... do that! Cartman: Calm down. Kyle: NO! I put your headset on, and came here to- Cartman: In virtual reality, yes you did. Kyle: No. Then I came into this virtual space. Cartman: You've been in a virtual space all along, Kyle! Think about it: we're arch-rivals! Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything?! Kyle: Fuck you! Why would they send you in to convince me of anything?! Cartman: [defeated] Fuck! Scene Description: Best Buy, day. A Best Buy rep answers a phone Best Buy Rep: Thanks for callin' Best Buy. How can I direct your call? Kyle: Yes. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Can you tell me if I purchased an Oculus Rift headset there? Cartman: Or if I did? Kyle: Or if you sold one to an "Eric Cartman"? Best Buy Rep: Sir, I'm gonna have to connect you to Customer Service. Hang on a sec. [transfers the call and hangs up. The call now reaches ... Steve!] Steve: Best Buy Customer Service, this is Steve. Kyle: [stunned at the familiar voice] Dude... What? Cartman: What? [takes the phone from Kyle] Hello? Steve: Yes, hello. This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future. Cartman: Dude. NOW this is getting weird! Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Stephen and Linda sit down for dinner Stephen: [loudly] Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded you can just GO TO BED HUNGRY! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What, what did he do? Linda: Oh. I don't know, Stephen, I let you handle all the groundings. Stephen: It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet... and yet he is grounded. [hears something upstairs] And no bouncing the racquetball either! Scene Description: Cartman's room. Stan and Kenny are the only two in the room, and Kenny's wearing the Oculus Rift. Stan is talking to Customer Service Stan: No, listen, I called Customer Service because I need help! [the door opens and Cartman and Kyle walk in] Kyle: Wait. Stan? [walks up to Stan] Hold on, is this my virtual reality, or Cartman's virtual reality? Stan: It's neither. I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real. Kyle: Nono, after we found Cartman, I put the headset on and then- Stan: No dude, dude. We've all been here the entire time. Kyle: Holy shit. Then this is all real. We've all been here from the beginning. Taking turns on the Oculus Rift headset. Cartman: [still lost] No, you guys. This is virtual reality. Stan: How do you know? Cartman: Because... I'm a computer program. Kyle: God damn it Cartman! Cartman: I'm telling you guys, I swear, you have to believe me, I am a computer program. I'm not real. Kyle: He's lying. Cartman: I'm not lying. Go ahead and ask Customer Service. Stan: What was the name of the first person who called you for customer service? Steve: Ohhh yes yes yes! That I can answer! His name was... But-ters! Stan: Butters called Customer Service first? Steve: Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner? Stan: Come on, we're going to Butters' house! [they leave Kenny behind] Steve: Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line. Please hang on, I'm going to call Customer Service. Scene Description: Steve talks to himself Steve: Hello, Customer Service, this is Steve. Steve: Hello, this is Steve with Customer Service. Steve: Uhhh, nononono my friend. I am Steve with Customer Service. Steve: Listen, my friend. This is gong to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real. Steve: ...Ohhh, nohhh, nonononononono. Steve: My friend, my friend, a customer who is in virtual reality called Customer Service, and it has created a customer feedback loop. Okay? Here in India we call it a customer feedback vindaloop. Steve: [slowly, wagging his left index finger] Ohhh, fuck you! Steve: Nononononono, do not fuck me, because I am you and then we will just be fucking ourselves. Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion? Steve: What do you mean have you answered all my questions?! NO! You have not answered ANY questions at ALL! Steve: Nonononono no, listen, listen: if I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service! Steve: But you didn't answer any of my questions! Steve: Well what is more important, my friend? The result, or good customer service? Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He sits on the floor by his bed playing a child's xylophone. The curtains are drawn, but leave a small gap through which the sun shines in Butters: [singing a spiritual] I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind. If Jesus don't help me I surely will die. [his door opens and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come in] Stan: Butters. Butters: [startled] Huh. But... [stands up] you guys can't be here. Kyle: Why not? Butters: Because I'm grounded. That means no visitors. Kyle: Butters! When did you call Oculus Rift Customer Service?! Butters: When we were playing with the Oculus headset. Wuh don't you guys remember? [goes to the bedroom door] We were all messin' around with it. I played with it first, and, and went a little nuts. Uh I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life. Stan: So now we are in the real world. Butters: YES. Cartman: You guys! [the boys look at him] I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program. The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a VR helmet seeing all this, and it's not me! Stephen: [appears behind him] Butters! Butters: [really startled] AAaaghagh! Stephen: What are your friends doing here?! Butters: Huh I'm sorry Dad! Steve: Hello, hello my friend, are you still there? Stan: Yes, we're here. Steve: Listen carefully, my friend. You are stuck in a paradox. It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality. You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call Customer Service. This is why you are having problems. Stephen: You just don't get it, do you?! What is wrong with you?! Stan: [as Stephen chews Butters out, puts some distance between them and himself] Well then how much of what just happened was in virtual reality? Steve: That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters! Stan: What?! [Stephen unbuckles his belt, Butters holds a hand up] Steve: Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?! Stan: That doesn't make sense! [Stephen takes his belt off. Butters closes his eyes, knowing what's coming] Steve: That's the paradox! Please my friend, please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service?! This call may be recorded! [the boys look at Stephen and Butters as Stephen prepares his belt for a whipping] Stephen: Well, you're getting it now! Stan: Yes! Yes, you have answered all my questions and I am pleased with the customer service I have been provided!! [Stephen disappears, then Butters, then Kyle, then Cartman] You guys? Are you there? Kyle: [from a walkie-talkie] We're right here dude. Do you remember now? Stan: Yeah I remember. I'm heading back to the access point. [leaves Butters' room. Stephen and Linda never really left the dining room table/ Stephen senses a change in mood] Stephen: Oh my gosh! Linda! Linda: What is it, Stephen? Stephen: It's Butters. He's not grounded anymore. Linda: He's not? Stephen: No. I've I've got to tell him! [leaves his chair and runs up to Butters' room] Butter? Butters! [Butters is on his bed, with the curtains open, asleep] Butters: [wakes up] Ahhh, huh? Stephen: You can go outside and play, son. Butters: You... you, you mean ih... [sits up] I'm not grounded? Stephen: No. I don't know why or how, but... it's over. Butters: They did it! [hops off his bed] They figured it out! [heads out the door] Whoopie! Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Stan walks up to the house Stan: Alright, I'm nearing Checkpoint Alpha. You guys still there? Kyle: We're here, dude. Just a little further and we can finally end this. Stan: [goes upstairs and enters Cartman's room] Okay, I'm back in Cartman's room. Cartman: Alright, Stan, just sit down at the computer. [Stan does this] Kyle: Alright, dude, take off the headset. [Stan reaches up and removes the headset. At this point the animation switches to live-action. Stan finishes taking off the headset as Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch] Kyle: Sssoo aside from all the bull crap, what do ya think of the Oculus? Stan: [thoughtfully looking at the headset] It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck. Scene Description: Credits start rolling but after few credits roll there is shot back at Stan's room Butters: [hops in like a bunny] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.
[Setting: A Restaurant] Ellen: So, they have this clock now, where you punch in your age, and all your risk factors. It actually counts down how much time you have left to live. Jerry: So what's the great moment? You're on your death bed, they're pounding on your chest - and you're going 10, 9, 8,.. I told you this thing was good! Ellen: (Laughs) I can't believe this is our first date. Jerry: I know.. How about dessert? Ellen: I suppose I have to get a piece of cake.. Jerry: Why? Ellen: Today's my birthday. Jerry: What? Today? Really? Ellen: Yeah. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] George: So, she went out with you on a first date.. and it was her birthday? Jerry: Yeah. And she picked the day! George: Is she socially awkward? Jerry: No, she's great! She's.. attractive, she's fun.. George: Well, maybe she decided to celebrate her birthday on the Monday after the weekend. Jerry: She's not Lincoln. Kramer: Hey! Anybody up for Lorenzo's pizza? Jerry: I'll pass. Kramer: Oh, yeah? Huh. (Turns to George) Hey, George! Pizza? Yum, yum! George: Eh, I can't. I gotta go down to the foundation. I'm interviewing high schoolers for the Susan Ross.. scholarship. Jerry: Does it ever bother you that this organization- George: Nope! Jerry: is beating the bushes- George: Nope! (Starts heading for the door) Jerry: to basically give this money away- George: Noo! Jerry: to virtually anyone, as long as they're not you? George: (Standing in the doorway) I'm fine with it! Fi-hi-hi-hine I say! (Leaves) [Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room] Student 1: And then I received a 740 on the English achievement test. (George looks bored) George: Quick, what's your favorite animal? Student 1: I.. I don't know.. frog? George: (Disappointed) A frog? Student 1: Well, I.. I.. George: (Annoyed) Frog is wrong. George: (Reading) I see here that you play the harp.. tell me, why do you have to tilt it? Can't you just build it on an angle? It'd save you a lot of trouble. Student 2: Well, the modern-day harp has been refined over thousands of years- George: (Annoyed) Yeah, yeah. We'll, uh, let you know. George: (Reading) I see your G.P.A's a 4.0. Student 3: (Smiling gloatingly) You like that, don't you? George: so, uh, Steven.. I see you're president of the chess club. Steven: State champs. George: Who's your favorite chess player? Steven: (Hesitating, he mumbles) Nastercoff? George: Right. (Mumbles) Nastercoff.. What country is he from, again? Steven: (Sighs) I don't know.. I made it up. (Gets up to leave) I'm never gonna get this thing. George: (Gets up, stopping him) Woah, woah, woah! What are you telling me for? You really had me going, there! C'mon, sit down. (They both sit back down) What do you want to do when you grow up? Steven: I've been telling people that I'd like to be an architect.. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Elaine: So, get this Mister Peterman is finally letting me do some real writing. He's got this book deal, for his autobiography. He's gonna let me ghost write it. Jerry: Wow. That's great! When it comes out, I'll have to get someone to ghost read it. Kramer: Hey. Jerry: Hey. Elaine: Hey! Kramer: Alright, so there I am at Lorenzo's - loading up my slice of the fixin's bar.. garlic, (imitates the shaking of garlic onto a pizza) and what-not.. mmm, mmm.. and I see this guy over at the pizza boxes giving me the stink-eye. (Imitates the 'stink-eye') So I give hime the crook-eye back, (Imitates the 'crook-eye') you know.. Then, I notice that he's not alone! I'm taking on the entire Van Buren Boys! Jerry: The Van Buren Boys? There's a street gang named after President Martin Van Buren? Kramer: Oh yeah, and they're just as mean as he was! So, I make a move to the door, you know, (makes a noise) they block it! So, I lunged for the bathroom. (demonstrates) I grab the knob - Occupado! Then they back me up agains the cartoon map of Italy, and all of the sudden, they just stop. Elaine: What? What happened? Kramer: Because I'm still holding the garlic shaker.. Yeah.. like this (grabs Jerry's peper shaker, and demonstrates) I'm only showing eight fingers. Jerry: Well, what does that mean? Kramer: That's their secret sign! See, Van Buren, he was teh eighth President.. (Holds up 8 fingers) They thought I was a former Van B. Boy! [Setting: Outside a coffee shop] Ellen: (Sees a pay phone) Oh, Jerry, can you hold on a sec? I just want to check my messages.. (She meets up with two of her friends on the way to the phone) Oh, Melissa! Kim! Melissa: Ellen. Ellen: Hey! You guys, I want you to meet Jerry. (Gestures tward Jerry, then goes back to the phone) Melissa: Ohh, we've heard a lot about you! (Confidentially) It is so sweet of you to take her out. Kim: Yeah, you don't even know how much she needs this. Jerry: (Sympathetically) She coming of a bad break-up? Kim: (Casually) No. Melissa: See ya! Jerry: Any messages? Ellen: Yeah, no one called. [Setting: Coffee shop] Jerry: They act like it was some act of charity. Just going out with her. George: So, she's the loser of the group. Every group has someone that they all make fun of.. Like us with Elaine. (Jerry thinks about this, then shakes it off) Jerry: There is no way Ellen is the loser of that group. George: Are you looking deep down at the real person underneath? Jerry: No, I'm being as superficial as I possibly can! George: (Changing subject) Hey, I htink I may have found someone for the scholarship. Jerry: Yeah? George: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers.. finally, this kid walks in - Steven Koren - a regular guy.. likes sports.. watches T.V.. Jerry: Is he smart? George: (Defensively) He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this he's into architecture. Jerry: Hey! Just like you pretend to be. George: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry. Jerry: I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me! [Setting: J. Peterman's apartment] Elaine: Mister Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.. (It's plain, with no sign of Peterman's personality) Peterman: Ohhh.. It's just a place to flop. (Sits in his recliner) Elaine: Well, (Clears throat) what part of your life (hits the record button on a mini-recorder, and sets it down on the table) do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances? Peterman: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalogue ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life. Elaine: Oh. Peterman: (Turns on the T.V, and starts flipping through the channels) Oh damn. They changed the cable stations again.. just when I finally memorized them. Elaine: Well, Mister Peterman, do you want to, um.. Peterman: (Still flipping through the channels) 2.. CBS.. Elaine: get, um, started.. Peterman: 3.. I don't know what that is.. where's my damn preview channel? Elaine: (After observing Peterman's home life) Well, I - I got ta tell you, Mister Peterman.. I don't think I see a whole book here. Peterman: well, I'm sure we'll come up with something. What do you say you and I order ourselves a pie? Do you like Lorenzo's? Elaine: You know, a friend of mine almost got beat up at that place by the Van Buren Boys? Peterman: (Interested) You don't say. Elaine: Yeah. The only think that saved him is that he accidentally flashed their secret gang sign. Peterman: Well, that's pretty exciting. (Pause) Let's put that in the book. Elaine: But, that didn't happen to you. Peterman: So, we pay off your friend, and it becomes a Peterman. Elaine: No, I - I really don't think you can do that. Peterman: (Looking at his dying plant) Ohh, damn. I forgot to buy plant food again.. I'll bet I got a coupon for it. (Starts looking through a small coupon box) Elaine: You know what? Maybe I better talk to my friend. [Setting: Coffee shop] Jerry: Is that the same outfit you were wearing yesterday? Ellen: No, this is brand new. Do you like it? Jerry: Actually, yeah. (Pause) Wait a second! Is that the fork that fell on the floor?! (Dramatically) Are you using the fork that fell on the floor?! Ellen: (Laughs) No, Jerry, the waitress game be another one. Jerry: I guess that's all right. Ellen: Is something wrong, Jerry? Jerry: No, absolutely nothing. (They get up to leave) You're fantastic! (They meet up with Kramer and George on the way out) Hey guys! George: Hey. Jerry: (Gesturing to Ellen) Kramer, George, this is Ellen. [Setting: Susan Ross Foundation conference room] George: Ladies and gentlemen, this (Opens the door, Steven is standing there) is Steven Koren. His G.P.A. is a solid 2.0! Right in that meaty part of the curve - not showing off, not falling behind. Wyck: George, the quailifications for this scholarship were suppose to be.. largely academic. George: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.. Wyck: These aren't standardized tests - these are his grades. George: Besides, Steven Koren has the highest of aspirations. He wants to be (pauses for effect) an architect. Wyck: Is that right? Steven: Actually, maybe I could set my sights a little bit higher. George: (Laughs) Steven, nothing is higher than an architect. Steven: I think I'd really like to be a city planner. (Sits down, addressing the entire foundation board) Why limit myself to just one building, when I can design a whole city? Wyck: Well, that's a good point. George: (Mutters) No, it's not. Steven: Well, isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk, and a big ruler? (Laughs - so do the board members) George: (Irritated) It's called a T-square. Wyck: You know, the stupidest guy in my fraternity became an architect - after he flunked out of dental school! (Everyone but George laughs) Contratulations, young man. (Shakes Steven's hand) Steven: Thank you. Wyck: Susan would be proud of what you're doing. Steven: Thank you. [Setting: Peterman's office] Kramer: And they made it their sign, because, Van Buren, our 8th President, was the man they most admired. Peterman: (Laughs) Kramer, my friend, that is one ripping good yarn.. (Hands Kramer a check) Kramer: You know, if you like that one, I got more.. what are you looking for? Romance? Comedy? Adventue? .. Erotica? (Clicks his tongue) Elaine: No, uh, Kramer. I don't think - Peterman: (Interrupting) How much would you take for the whole lot? Kramer: My whole lot? Peterman: Name your price, man! Kramer: (Thinks) 1500 dollars. Peterman: I'll give you half that. Kramer: (Excited) Done! Peterman: Kramer, my friend, (Gestures to Elaine) consider Elaine at your disposal. Kramer: Okay.. (To Elaine) Well, I, Uh.. I like to work in the evenings.. (Elaine slumps back, and covers her head in misfortune) [Setting: Elaine's office] Elaine: Would you please just get on with the stupid Bob Saccamano story?! Kramer: Well, I'm on the phone with Bob, and I realize right then and there that I need to return this pair of pants. So, I'm off to the store. Elaine: What happened to Bob Saccamano? Kramer: Well, nothing. His part of the story is done. (Elaine covers her face with her hands - showing her difficulty coping with Kramer) So I'm waiting for the subway, It's not coming, so I decided to hoof it through the tunnel. Elaine: Alright, well, now that's something.. Kramer: Well, I don't know if I lost track of time - or what, but the next think I knew.. Elaine: (Adding) A train is bearing down on you?! Kramer: No, I slipped - and fell in the mud. Ruining the very pants I was about to return. Elaine: (Reflects on the story) I don't understand.. you were wearing the pants you were returning? Kramer: Well, I guess I was.. Elaine: (Still confused) What were you gonna wear on the way back? Kramer: Elaine, are you listening?! I didn't even get there! (Pauses) All right, next story.. Elaine: Alright, I think I got enough for one day. Kramer: Yeah, yeah, chew on that. Elaine: (Mocking) Yeah, I'll chew on that. Kramer: Oh, hey, listen, by the way - I'm hosting a little get-together tonight in honor of my little financial upturn.. Elaine: Oh, thanks. I've got plans. Kramer: Elaine, you should be there to document it. Elaine: (Putting on her coat) Oh, you're getting together with some of your jackass friends, and you want me to take notes? Kramer: Yeah, but get there after nine. You know, give the poeple a chance to loosen up. [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Jerry: So you're denying him the scholarship just because he wants to be a city planner? George: I was betrayed! That kid was like a son to me. And if there's one person you should be able to hold down, it's your own flesh and blood. Like my father.. my father's father before him. Jerry: You know, maybe philanthropy is not your field. (Phone rings, he answers it) Hello. Oh, Hi, Ellen. Yeah, I called the hotel.. we're all set for the weekend. George: You're spending the weekend with Ellen? Jerry: (To George, in a 'cha-ching!' motion) Vermont! (To Ellen) With any luck, they said we could stay an extra couple of days if we want to! (George is disturbed. He gets up, goes go Kramer's door, and knocks. They talk) Four days at a beautiful bed-and-breakfast! I can't wait.. buy-bye. (Hangs up. George and Kramer come into Jerry's apartment, confronting him) What? (George takes the phone off the hook) What is this? George: (To Kramer) You want to start? Kramer: (To George) Uh, No, no, no.. you go ahead. I gotta get my thoughts together. George: Jerry, this whole Ellen situation.. has gone far enough. Jerry: What?! Kramer: (Adding) Jerry, she's a loser. (George points to Kramer - gesturing that he's right on target) Jerry: Where is this coming from? She's great! George: (Concerned) Why're you doing this, Jerry? Is it your career? Things will pick up. Jerry: There's nothing wrong with my career! Kramer: (Like a parent) Well, I still like the Bloomingdale's executive training program for him. George: I though we said we weren't going to discuss that now! Kramer: Well, you know, I think it's something he should consider. George: Of course he should consider it, but now is not the time! Kramer: Listen, George, all these issues are interrelated. Jerry: (Fed up) Alright! Excuse me! (Gets up) I'm not buying any of this! Kramer: All right, so what're you saying? That we're wrong? Oh, everybody's wrong but you! Jerry: You know, this is liek that Twilight Zone where the guy wakes up, and he's the same - but everyone else is different! Kramer: Which one? Jerry: They were all like that! [Setting: NYC Street] Steven: Why'd you take away my scholarship, Mister Costanza? George: Well, Steven, I, uh.. (All the sudden, a small gang steps out of nowhere, surrounding George) Steven: These are my new friends - The Van Buren Boys. Member 1: He became so disillusioned, he had to join us. George: Oh.. nice. Steven: I want my scholarship back, so I can be a city planner. George: What about architect, Steven? Member 1: (Moves threateningly close to George) City planner. [Setting: Cafe] Friend 1: Great party, K-man! Kramer: Yeah, well, you got that straight! (Turns to Elaine) Hey, Elaine, try the beef - because that's realy au jus sauce, huh. (Dramatically) Real au jus sauce! Elaine: (Sourly) I'll make a note of it. Friend 1: Hey, Kramer, Kramer: Yeah? Friend 1: Ramirez has never heard your pants story. Kramer: Ohh kay! Well, you know, I had Bob Saccamano on the phone, and I suddenly realized that I- (Elaine stops him) Elaine: You can't tell that story now. It belongs to Peterman. Kramer: What do ya mean? Elaine: You signed the release. Kramer: Yeah. Elaine: He sat in mud. Not you. Kramer: But I did sit in mud. Elaine: (Stern) Ya didn't! You never sat in mud! Kramer: (Pleading) I was all dirty! Elaine: It ever happened! Understand? Kramer: (To crowd) Hey, hey, hey! All right! Yeah, uh, yeah.. well.. Uh, the pants. they, uh, they fit, uh, well - and so I, uh, decided I wasn't gonna return them! (Laughs) Wooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! Friend 1: It's getting late. Maybe we better get going. (They all get up to leave) Kramer: What? You're gonna go now? Hey, woah! I don't.. (watches his friends leave) Kramer: (Frantic) Kramer, Kramer! I got big trouble with the - with the Van Buren Boys. Kramer: Hey, now, they're tough cookies. George: Yeah, and I - I heard you got on their good side. Now, what'd you do? Kramer: Uh.. ah, (Looks over at Elaine, and realizes he can't tell the Van Buren Boys story) Oh, nothing - nothing.. No, I certainly don't have any stories, if that's what you're implying. (Laughs heartily) George: (Frantic) Kramer, do you know what those guys are gonna do to me?! Kramer: Yeah, well, uh.. you know uh, you didn't hear from me, but, uh, the Van Buren Boys - they never hassle their own kind. George: You mean, like, a former member? [Setting: Jerry's apartment] Elaine: These Kramer stories are unusable! (Thumbs through them) I mean, some of them aren't even stories! (Holds one out) Look, this is a list of things in his apartment! Jerry: Is my toaster oven on there? Elaine: How am I ever gonna turn this into a book? Jerry: Well, just shape them - change them. You're a writer. Elaine: Yes! I'm a writer. Jerry: Make them interesting. Elaine: Interesting! Of course! People love interesting writing! Jerry: Well, I gotta go to the airport. I'm picking up my parents. Elaine: What? Wheren't they just here? Jerry: Yeah. I'm flying them in to meet Ellen. I don't know where to turn! I gotta see what they think of her. Elaine: Maybe we could all have dinner later? Jerry: I don't think so. I'm gonna try to get them to fly right back tonight. Kramer: Oh, hey! Hey, have I told you about my bunions? Oh, you're gonna love this story! (Rubs his hands together) So, I line up my cold cuts on the couch next to me, but as I'm stacking them up, they keep falling into my foot bath! (Jerry and Elaine look disgusted) Jerry: Kramer, this is awful! We don't want to hear about this! Kramer: Damn! Jerry: What? Kramer: Oh, I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman - but they all stink! Elaine: How much did you pay for them? Kramer: Eight bucks! I think I got ripped off! (Leaves, yelling out "Newman!") [Setting: Peterman's office] Elaine: Oh, what didn't you like about the first chapter? Peterman: Well, it started out nicely "I'm returning some pants." A very identifiable problem.. (turns page) "I set of down a train tunnel.".. (turns page) But that's where the story takes a most unappealing turn. Elaine: Oh, no, no! That's where it gets interesting! Don't you see? The - the train is bearing down on you, you - you dive into a side tunnel - and you run into a whole band of underground tunnel dwellers! Peterman: It just seems so cliched, and obvious. It's not interesting writing. Elaine: Yeah.. yeah. I know. Um.. how about if, instead of.. diving from the train, you.. uh, you, I don't know, you slip and, and fall in some mud, and.. ruin your pants? Peterman: (Intrigued) The very pants I was returning. That's perfect irony! Elaine, that is interesting writing! (The intercom beeps) Secretary: I have a Cosmo Kramer on line 4. Peterman: (Picks up the phone) Peterman, here. Kramer: Mister Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back! Peterman: You want to know something? I no longer need them! Elaine: No, no. Mister Peterman, why don't we keep them - as a, as a reference? Peterman: Nonsense! (To Kramer) I have Benes' woderfully imaginative mind to spin my stories. You take back your tales, you vagabond! Kramer: Yippie-yi-yay! Peterman: (Hangs up) There you are, Elaine. Go forth, and create. (Elaine gets up to leave) And, by the way, when you get to that chapter about my romantic escapades - feel free to toss yourself in the mix. [Setting: NYC Street] George: Hey, Van B. Boys. Steven: So, Mister Costanza, did you get my scholarship back? George: Now, fellas, fellas.. easy. You wouldn't want to beat up on one of your own. Member 2: Is that right? Then why don't you flash us the sign? George: Right.. the sign. (Hesitates, then makes a series of stupid gestures) Steven: That's not the sign. George: (Defensively loud) It was when I was banging! Member 2: All right, if you really are one of us.. let's see you take the wallet off the next guy who walks by. George: Love to! (Cracks his knuckles, then winces under the pain) [Setting: Coffee shop] Ellen: And after college, I got my masters at the Sorbonne. Morty: Sorbonne? Oh, hey. (To Helen) That's in Paris. Ellen: (Looks at her watch) Oh, Jerry, you're parking meter's about to expire. Don't get up, I've got change. (Leaves with her purse) Jerry: (To his parents) So? What do you think? Helen: Jerry, she's fantastic. Jerry: I knew it! I'm not crazy. Helen: She's so sweet, and she's got some body on her! Morty: And smart! Like a computer! Helen: And so much personality! But, it doesn't matter what we think. Do you like her? Jerry: (After seeing how much his parents like her) Now, I'm not so sure. Helen: Well, she's 10 times better than that awful Amber girl that you were with. Jerry: yeah, Amber.. I wonder if she's back from Vegas.. [Setting: NYC Alley] Member 2: The next one, or you're meat! George: Alright, alright! (Goes out onto the sidewalk. The Seinfelds walk by) Seinfelds! Morty: Hey, George! George: Shhh! Listen, you gotta do me a favor. Give me your wallet. I'll give it back to you later. Morty: How're your folks? George: Eh, they're trying to pick out a new couch - you don't want to know. (Remembering the watching Van Buren Boys) Give me your wallet, or I'll spill your guts right here on the street! Morty: What did you say? George: Come on, hurry up, old man! I'm an animal! Helen: You're being very rude. Come on, Morty. George: (Pleading) Please, please, they're gonna hit me! (Attempts to grab Helen's purse, she starts hitting George defensively, he backs off) Morty: Tell your parents we said 'Hi!' (They leave)
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The Marshes sit at table and Randy comes in with laptop and coffee Randy: Good morning, everyone. 'morning. So, listen guys. We are not in good shape. The whole "doing business in China" thing has sort of bitten us in the ass, [the projector screen comes on.] and now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs. [turns to look at a growth chart projected on a portable screen behind him.] You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing. We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money, and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses. [the same chart is on the laptop he was looking at earlier] So, [turns back to the table] how do we sell more weed? Stan. Stan: [after several seconds] I don't know... Do like a sale. Like, a Fall sale? Randy: Not good enough! Shelly?! Shelly: I hate marijuana. Randy: Nice attitude! How do we sell more weed? Sharon? Sharon: If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town, we'd have more money. Randy: Right. Cut out all our marketing. That's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie? Towelie: You know what the problem is? It's the schwag. All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man. Randy: Go on. Towelie: It's like, we sell all the good parts of the weed, but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the leftover shit. You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company. Randy: Mulch. [looks at the graph] Use our discarded product to recover costs. [to the table] Everyone, great job. You just got powned by a towel. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. The students stand in line to get their lunches in the kitchen. Cartman: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day! Cartman and Butters: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day! Cartman: I seriously think that Sloppy Joe day is my favorite day at school. Butters: Yeah, it's the best. Cartman and Butters: '[singing]' Sloppy Joe day! It's Sloppy Joe day! A new Cook: Come on, keep the line moving, kids! [in view are Butters, Cartman , and Scott. Cartman notices that what he sees on his plate doesn't look like sloppy Joe.] Cartman: What is this? Cook: That's today's lunch. It's "feesh." Cartman: Feesh? Butters: But, but this is Sloppy Joe day. Cook: Yeah? Well, the menu's been changed. We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough, so don't you start bitchin' about it now. Cartman: What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that- [gasps] the girls! Butters: The girls? Cartman: The fucking girls! [the three boys walk over to the girls' table] Excuse me?! Can someone explain to us why this [holds forth his lunch] is on our lunch trays?! Butters: Yeah, it's supposed to be sloppy Joe day! Wendy: We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat. Cartman: Oh my God. I'm about to lose my mind. [gets excited] You think you can just mess with a man's lunch?! Butters: It's okay, Eric. I- Cartman: You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow interfering with mine?! Butters: Eric, Eric! Cartman: You dictate what foods I can eat?! [convulses] Urgh [the tray falls to the floor. He stiffens up and tries to reach for anything] Butters: Eric, Eric? Cartman: I can't, I can't. Butters, I can't. [falls back, smacking Butters' tray on the way down. Butters' meal lands on him] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt Paramedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG] Smith: We got him back! Cartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy. Scene Description: As Cartman is being taken to Hell's Pass Hospital, Randy drives into town with a huge load of Tegridy weed; he and Towelie share a joint. Cypress Hill plays during this segment. Randy: How much do you think we'll get for our mulch? Towelie: Even if we only get 10 cents a pound, we have like a million pounds of it. Randy: This is gonna save our business. I'm really hungry all of a sudden. You want some Burger King? Towelie: Yeah, I'll take some onion rings. [Randy pulls into a parking spot and goes inside.] Scene Description: Burger King, inside. Randy steps forward to place his order Clerk: Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order? Randy: Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger? Clerk: It's a plant-based burger, sir. Randy: Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow? Clerk: No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef. Randy: Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card over. The clerk turns the card through the reader and hand it back. He also hands Randy the receipt and the burger. Randy takes a bite of the burger and savors it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this? Clerk: They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability. Randy: Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... based... Plant-based. Oh my God. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallways. Cartman is in a wheelchair; Butters drives him around Butters: Comin' through! Make way! [the stop by Token, Jimmy, and Craig] Cartman: Hey guys. How's it goin'? Craig: You're out of the hospital? Cartman: Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they did not succeed. However, we cannot let the girls' protest ruin our lunch ever again! Nichole: Oh, give me a break! [arrives from her locker] It's not just girls who wanna change the menu, it's boys too! Boy: Yeah. I want vegan food. Millie: A lot of students are protesting! Cartman: Well, their protesting is ruining my lunch! Boy: We have a right to free speech. Cartman: Yes, we do all have freedom of speech! But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others and you're ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF! Mr. Mackey: [arriving] Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what's goin' on, kids? Butters: The protesters are tryin' to kill Eric again, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids, we don't want another incident here, okay? Cartman: They're trying to take people's lunch! They don't realize it harms people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [begins to choke] Mr. Mackey: Eric, it's okay. We aren't going to change the school menu, okay? Everything's fine. Boy: That's not fair! Nichole: Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?! Cartman: Agagagh, my lunch! Mr. Mackey: Girls, I'm sorry, but the health of our students has to come first. Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Gerald shows up at the front door and knocks. Randy answers the door Randy: Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this! Gerald: Believe what? Your text said that- Randy: Come on come on come on. [pulls him in. Next scene is in the kitchen. They go to the table, on which sit two burgers] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat. I want you to try it. [hands a burger to Gerald] Gerald: It's a hamburger? Randy: It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it for a few seconds] Well? Gerald: This tastes like shit. Randy: Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though. Gerald: [through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good. Randy: Wait for it. Wait for it... Gerald: [gets a small epiphany] Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in] Randy: Yeah ha ha? Gerald: Yeah, it's good. Randy: Yeah, right? Gerald: [takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had! Randy: And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12. [points to Towelie, who's reclining against a cabinet eating a Tegridy burger.] Towelie: Best burgers I ever had. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. Cartman is back a table with the other boys, and they're all eating barbecue ribs with corn on the cob and cole slaw. Cartman is still in his hospital gown, which means his back side is exposed. He's also wearing the hospital bracelet Cartman: [savoring them ribs] Ohm... oh my God. School cafeteria ribs. After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital? OHM. Butters: I looove barbecue rib day. Cartman: Yeah. I think maybe I like rib day even more than sloppy Joe day. It's a difficult choice. Wendy: Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [the students all stop eating and look at her] Look, guys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us. Nichole: Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty. Wendy: The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest every year [Cartman begins to tremble in anger] are a huge reason for climate change. Nichole: It is up to us, as students, to protest for change. Boy: Young voices matter! Wendy: Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, we're proving to be no d- Cartman: [leaves the table] AAAH! GAAAH! [in the middle of the cafeteria, to Wendy] CAN I PLEASE JUST ENJOY MY LUNCH FOR FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES?! Butters: You gotta calm down, Eric. Remember your condition, Eric. Cartman: We all have freedom of speech, but stop talking about climate change DURING LUNCH TIME! Butters: Okay. that's it, Eric. Cartman: Some of us can just enjoy some simple goddamned barbecue ribs! And I- Daah! [stiffens up as anger overtakes him] Oh God, they did it again to me, Butters. Butters: Eric! Cartman: I think this is the Big One! Don't let me die. Butters: Somebody help! Cartman: Don't let me die. Don't let me die, Butters. [drops on his back.] Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt Paramedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG] Smith: We got him back! Cartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy. Scene Description: Burger King, day, inside. A mother and son are at the counter Clerk: So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage. Is there any-? [stops when he hears someone outside] Randy: [outside] Burgers! Get your burgers here! Clerk: Uh okay, that'll be fift- Randy: Plant-based burgers for sale! Clerk: Excuse me one moment. [leaves the counter] Scene Description: Burger King, day, outside. Randy has his burger stand up, selling $5 burgers that are all natural, plant based, and locally made Randy: Get your hamburgers here! [a crowd begins to form] Plant-based burgers for sale! Clerk: [now outside] Hey, what are you doing? Randy: I'm sellin' hamburgers. All-natural, completely plant-based. [a customer pays up and gets his burger] Thank you, sir. Clerk: You can't sell hamburgers here! This is a Burger King! Towelie: You sell hamburgers here. Randy: Yeah, you sell hamburgers here. Customer: This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger. Can I get a couple more to take to work? Clerk: Hey! Now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of YOU! [walks onto the parking lot] We have plant-based burgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible Burger. Randy: Tegridy Burger. Made locally right here in South Park. Tegridy Burger. Clerk: STOP that! Scene Description: The school gym, day. PC Principal holds a student assembly PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up! As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu. But there are other students who are voicing their concerns against changes. Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well. [clears his throat] Now, the school has been looking into several options to deal with the problem, and I do believe we have found a compromise. We have found a new company in the plant-based fast-food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria. And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat. [steps aside and claps for the founder, who steps in] Incredible Meat founder: Hello, children. I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal for hearing me out. I take plants, and I process them into goo. I'm a goo man. I have factories all over the country. I have trucks right now loaded with goo that can be here within the week. The goo I speak of can be made into anything. It can be made into tacos. It can be made into hot dogs. And I promise you that none of you students will know the difference. I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school. I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town. I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian. I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well, and I thank you. Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Randy stands at the podium reading from index cards Randy: Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals. It hurts people. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal meat. All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if-m, if people just ate it directly. Meat is also not environmentally friendly. Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution. And the meat industry is one of the biggest... [after a few seconds, the camera finds him drifting away from the podium, Tegridy Burger in one hand, index cards in the other] ...Huh? Oh, I was just saying... [turns and walks back to the podium] that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a greener car in the fight against climate change. For your health, for our planet, for the animals and for each other, we have to switch to plant-based foods. Now, it just so happens- Scene Description: Burger King, day. The clerk is all alone now, having lost all his business to... He hears music outside and walks towards it Clerk: You gotta be kidding me! Scene Description: ...Tegridy Burger. Randy's hamburger stand is now a full-fledged fast-food restaurant Randy: [through the PA system] It's our Grand Opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint! Clerk: It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [goes back to Burger King. Tegridy Burger is humming with activity] Randy: Celebrate our Grand Opening! Tegridy Burger! Cheeba cheeba. Cheeba cheeba. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Token is at the entrance on the lookout Token: Here he comes. [two seconds later, Cartman enters the cafeteria using a walker. He's in his hospital gown. He sees all the other students staring at him. He turns right and goes to the kitchen] Cartman: [walks past Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey. Mr. Mackey: [nervously] Wuhuhuhu... hello, Eric. Cartman: [stands in line behind Butters] What's goin' on, Butters? It's taco Tuesday. [the line moves forward] Butters: [weakly] It's taco Tuesday... [turns and walks forward. He gets his lunch, looks back at Eric, and heads for the boys table] Cartman: These tacos look different. What kind are they? Cook: They're... Incredible Beef... tacos. Cartman: Oh, Incredible Beef tacos. That sounds nice. [takes his tray and heads back to the cafeteria, where he again sees the students stare at him. He joins the other boys at the table. He looks around and the other students turn back to their meals. Nobody is talking. Cartman bites a taco and his friends look on. After 25 seconds...] Did you guys see that new Joker movie? Mr. Mackey: Whoa, uh, thank God it worked. Scene Description: City Wok, day. The goo man stands outside the restaurant and looks it over, then goes inside. Mr. Kim: Welcome City Wok. I take a order prease. Goo Man: Are you the owner of this restaurant? Mr. Kim: Yes. I take a order prease. Goo Man: I'd like to do business with you. Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats. You see, I am a goo man. If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word Incredible before all of your dishes. Mr. Kim: You mean instead of City Chicken I could have Incredibre City Chicken? Goo Man: That is correct. Mr. Kim: You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef I could have Inrcedibry City Mongorian Beef? Goo Man: That's right. Mr. Kim: You're saying now I could have scallops with Incredibry City XO sauce?! Okay, sign me up! Goo Man: That is most excellent. [gets out a pad and pen] Now, how many customers, on avarage, do you have per day? Mr. Kim: Including my wife? Uh, 0 to 1 per day. Goo Man: [stunned] That's it? Mr. Kim: Yeah, I got no customers now that Tegridy Burger opened up. Everyone want plant-based food now. That why I'm ready you sign me up. Goo Man: What is Tegridy Burger? Mr. Kim: Yeah, here you look. Down the brock. [they walk to a window and look out] Most popular prace in town. [they look at the place for a few seconds] Goo Man: Is that so?! [makes his way to the entrance and leaves] Mr. Kim: Hey! [follows him out] Hey, what about my incredibry City chicken? Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A farmer knocks on Randy's door. Randy answers it Rancher: What'r you doin' you sonofabitch? Randy: Excuse me? Rancher: I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park. I made ma livin' 62-odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and put me out of a job! Randy: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer, but this is called "evolution." Rancher: I got 300 cows that the world suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with them?! Put them in a zoo?! What they gonna do now? Go start some cow circus?! Go make some cow TV show?! You are single-handedly making cows extinct! You got a plan for 'em all? Fine! [turns to whistles to his cattle] Come on! [cows emerge from the field and gather outside the front door.] Come on! Yeah, come on! Mr. Plant-based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! [makes his way through the herd in order to leave] Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment, so he could figure out what to do with you. Randy: Uh ho, hehey, fuck you! Rancher: No, fuck you, sumbitch! They're your problem now! Scene Description: Sssssouth Park Elementary, 4th Grade. The students are in their seats, but Mrs. Nelson is seated, hunched over a Tegridy Burger, unable to take another bite but making an effort to. Butters: ...Teacher? [she lifts up a finger and mumbles a bit. The lunch bell rings] Cartman: Lunchtime! [nothing was taught this morning] Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. The students stream in as Mr. Mackey keeps watch Mr. Mackey: Walk, don't run, m'kay? Cartman: Hey Butters! [Butters stops, a bit unnerved] Wait up, dude. You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak day! Salisbury Steak day! Both: It's Salis- Butters: [flatly] -bury Steak day! [looks dejected] Cartman: Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same. Butters: Eric, I. I just hate lying to you. I mean, you've been in the hospital. Twice. I feel guilty. Cartman: Guilty... about what? Butters: It's our lunches, Eric. It's... Incredible Meat. Cartman: Yes, I think it's pretty good. Butters: No, Eric. See, there was this guy. He's a goo man. Cartman: The fuck is a goo man? Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The cows are still milling around eating the weed. Some of them poop as they walk. Randy is in his tractor driving around. Randy: [comes across a cow] Go on! shoo! Hey! Goddamnit! [some time later, he's talking to Towelie] I don't know what we're gonna do. These cows are eating all our weed and they're shitting everywhere. They're gonna put us completely out of business! Towelie: Did you find anyone else to take 'em? Randy: Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change! [takes a quick look around] We gotta kill 'em.
Jerry: Do you know what this is all about? Do you know, why were here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about We should go out? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, were all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, were all out! There are people tryin to find us, they dont know where we are. (on an imaginary phone) Did you ring?, I cant find him. Where did he go? He didnt tell me where he was going. He must have gone out. You wanna go out you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...Then you're standing around, whatta you do? You go We gotta be getting back. Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, its my feeling, you've gotta go. Jerry: (pointing at Georges shirt) See, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. Its too high! Its in no-mans-land. You look like you live with your mother. George: Are you through? Jerry: You do of course try on, when you buy? George: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I dont actually recall considering the buttons. Jerry: Oh, you dont recall? George: (on an imaginary microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. Jerry: Well, senator, Id just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. Claire: Mr. Seinfeld. Mr. Costanza. George: Are, are you sure this is decaf? Wheres the orange indicator? Claire: Its missing, I have to do it in my head decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...its very challenging work. Jerry: Can you relax, its a cup of coffee. Claire is a professional waitress. Claire: Trust me George. No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. George: How come you're not doin the second show tomorrow? Jerry: Well, theres this uh, woman might be comin in. George: Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? Jerry: I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? George: No, you didnt! Jerry: I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing... George: Ha. Jerry: (looks in the creamer) Theres no milk in here, what... George: Wait wait wait, what is she... (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) What is she like? Jerry: Oh, shes really great. I mean, shes got like a real warmth about her and shes really bright and really pretty and uh... the conversation though, I mean, it was... talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better. George: (smiling) So, you know, what, what happened? Jerry: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great. George: Oh, nothing happened, but it was... Jerry: Yeah. George: This is great! Jerry: Yeah. George: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! Jerry: Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe well get together. George: (whistles disapprovingly) Ho ho ho, Had to? Had to come in? Jerry: Yeah, but... George: Had to come in and maybe well get together? Had to and maybe? Jerry: Yeah! George: No...no...no, I hate to tell you this. You're not gonna see this woman. Jerry: What, are you serious...why, why did she call? George: How do I know, maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite. Jerry: To be polite? You are insane! George: All right, all right, I didnt want to tell you this. You wanna know why she called you? Jerry: Yes! George: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency! Jerry: Oh, I get it, this is about the button. George: Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? Claire: What gave it away, George? George: Uhm...Id like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, you know, from a female point of view. George: (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? Claie: Uh huh. George: She says she has to come to New York on business... Jerry: Oh you are beautiful! George: ...and, and maybe shell see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? Claire: Id have to say, uuhh, no. (George Shows His Note-Block To Jerry; It Says Very Largely: NO.) Claire: To be polite. George: To be polite. I rest my case. Jerry: Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me. (stands up) I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. George: Im not gonna watch you do laundry. Jerry: Oh, come on, be a come-with guy. George: Come on, Im tired. Claire: (to Jerry) Dont worry, I gave him a little caffeine. Hell perk up. George: (panicking) Right, I knew I felt something! George: Jerry? I have to tell you something. This is the dullest moment Ive ever experienced. Jerry: Well, look at this guy. Look, hes got everything, hes got detergents, sprays, fabric softeners. This is not his first load. George: I need a break, Jerry, you know. I gotta get out of the city. I feel so cramped... Jerry: And you didnt even hear how she sounded. George: What?! Jerry: Laura. George: I cant believe- (falls on his knees) WE ALREADY DISCUSSED THIS! Jerry: Yeah, but how could you be so sure? George: Cause its signals, Jerry, its signals! (snapping his fingers) Dont you- all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin tomorrow night, if you were busy? Jerry: No. George: She calls you today and she doesnt make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? Its Saturday night! Jerry: Yeah. George: What is that? Its ridiculous! You dont even know what hotel shes staying at, you cant call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers) Signal! Jerry: Maybe you're right. George: Maybe Im right? Of course Im right. Jerry: This is insane. You know, I dont even know where shes staying! She, shes not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. George: I know, I know. Listen, your stuff has to be done by now, why dont you just see if its dry? Jerry: No no no, dont interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what its doing. Just let it finish. George: You're gonna overdry it. Jerry: You, you cant overdry. George: Why not? Jerry: Same as you cant overwet. You see, once something is wet, its wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Lets say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You cant overdie, you cant overdry. George: (to the other laundry patrons) Any questions? Jerry: How could she not tell me where she was staying? George: Look at that. They're done! Jerry: Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is...yknow, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, its dark, theres bubbles happening, they're all kinda dancing around in there- shirt grabs the underwear, Cmon babe, lets go. You come by, you open up the lid and theyll- (stiffens up, as the clothes) Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before, Tomorrow, the dryer, Im goin. You wait here! The dryer door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you dont see him and then he goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their faces, join a puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains? I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. You gotta get the harpoon out your chest first. Jerry: (answering, quickly) If you know what happened in the Met game, dont say anything, I taped it, hello. Yeah, no, Im sorry, you have the wrong number. Yeah, no Jerry: (to the door) Yeah? Kessler: Are you up? Jerry: (to Kessler) Yeah. (to the phone) Yeah, people do move. Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem. Kessler: Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? Jerry: (upset) Ohhhh, what are you doing? Kessler, its a tape! I taped the game, its one oclock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. Kessler: Hey, Im sorry, I- you know, I, I thought you knew. (takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets, and holds them out to Jerry.) You got any meat? Jerry: Meat? I dont, I dont know, go... hunt! (Kessler opens the refrigerator and sticks his head in.) Well what happened in the game anyway? Kessler: (from the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! Kessler: You know, I almost wound up going to that game. Jerry: (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! Kessler: Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kessler walks over with his sandwich and looks at Jerry and uses expressions to ask Jerry to move the newspapers on the other side of the couch so he could site down. Kessler sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry gives him a look as if to say, Do you mind?) Are you done with this? Jerry: No. Kessler: When you're done, let me know. Jerry: Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. Kessler: I thought I wasnt allowed to be in here this weekend. Jerry: No, its okay now, that, that girl is not comin. Uh, I misread the whole thing. Kessler: You want me to talk to her? Jerry: I dont think so. Kessler: Oh, I can be very persuasive. Do you know that I was almost... a lawyer. Jerry: That close, huh? Kessler: You better believe it. Jerry: Hello...Oh, hi, Laura. Kessler: Oh, give me it...let me talk to her. Jerry: (to the phone) No believe me, Im always up at this hour. How are you?... Great... Sure... What time does the plane get in?... I got my friend George to take me... Kessler: (to the TV) SLIDE! Wow! Jerry: No, its, its just my neighbour... Um... Yeah, I got it. (Jerry takes a pencil and a cereal box to write on.) Ten-fifteen... No, dont be silly, go ahead and ask... Yeah, sure... Okay, great, no no, its no trouble at all... Ill see you tomorrow... Great, bye. (He hangs up the phone; to Kessler) I dont believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here! Jerry: If my father was moving this hed had to have a cigarette in his mouth the whole way. (as his father) 'Have you got your end?...Your ends got to come down first, easy now, drop it down...drop it down, your ends got to come down.' George: You know, I cant believe you're bringin in an extra bed for woman that wants to sleep with you. Why dont you bring in an extra guy too? Jerry: Look, its a very awkward situation. I dont wanna be presumptuous. George: All right, all right, one more time, one more time! What was the exact phrasing of the request? Jerry: All right, she said she couldn't find a decent hotel room... George: A decent hotel-room... Jerry: Yeah, a decent hotel-room, would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place. George: You cant be serious. This is New York city. There must be eleven million decent hotel rooms! Whatta you need? A flag? (waving his handkerchief) This is the signal, Jerry, this is the signal! Jerry: (cynical) This is the signal? Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday? George: I think I was affected by the caffeine. George: Ho, ho, ho, good dog, good dog... Kessler: Hey, he really likes you, George. George: Well, that's flattering. Kessler: Oh, hes gettin a drink of water. (pointing to the mattress) Is this for that girl? Jerry: Yeah. Kessler: Why even give her an option? Jerry: This is a person I like, its not How to score on spring break. George: Right, can we go? Cause Im double-parked, Im gonna get a ticket. Jerry: Yeah, okay. Oh, wait a second. Oh, I forgot to clean the bathroom. George: So what? That's good. Jerry: Now, how could that be good? George: Because filth is good. Whaddaya think, rock stars have sponges and ammonia lyin around the bathroom? They, have a woman comin over, Ive gotta tidy up? Yeah right, in these matters you never do what your instincts tell you. Always, ALWAYS do the opposite. Jerry: This is how you operate? George: Yeah, I wish. Jerry: Let me just wipe the sink. Kessler: Why even give her an option for? Kessler: (to George, pointing at the mattress) Its unbelievable. George: Yeah. Kessler: Hows the real estate-business? George: (feeling awkward) Its uh, not bad, its comin along. Why? Did you need something. Kramer: Do you handle any of that commercial...real estate? George: Well, I might be getting into that. Kessler: (slaps George on the arm) You keep me posted! George: Im aware of you. (to Jerry) All right, lets go (opens the bathroom door) Lets go! Jerry: The dating world is not a fun world...its a pressure world, its a world of tension, its a world of pain...and you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I dont know what they need. I know I dont have it, I know that- You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton-balls. This is the one Im- always has been one of the amazing things to me...I have no cotton-balls, were all human beings, what is the story? Ive never had one...I never bought one, I never needed one, Ive never been in a situation, when I thought to myself I could use a cotton-ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess. Women need them and they dont need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags, they're like peat moss bags, have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out, they're gone, the, the bag is empty, where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doin with them? The only time I ever see em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, theres two or three, that look like they've been through some horrible experience... tortured, interrogated, I dont know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl whos left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton-balls over at my house. I dont know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. Lets move on. The dating world is a world of pressure. Lets face it a date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know? Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why dont you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin with? Jerry: Wouldnt it be great if you could ask a woman what shes thinking? George: What a world that would be, if you just could ask a woman what shes thinkin. Jerry: You know, instead, Im like a detective. I gotta pick up clues, the whole thing is a murder investigation. George: Listen, listen, dont get worked up, cause you're gonna know the whole story the minute she steps off the plane. Jerry: Really? How? George: Cause its all in the greeting. Jerry: Uh-huh. George: All right, if she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Jerry: Right. George: You know, anything in the, in the lip area is good. Jerry: Lip area. George: You know a hug definitely good. Jerry: Hug is definitely good. George: Sure. Jerry: Although what if its one of those hugs where the shoulders are touching, the hips are eight feet apart? George: That's so brutal, I hate that. Jerry: You know how they do that? George: That's why, you know, a shake is bad. Jerry: Shake is bad, but what if its the two-hander? The hand on the bottom, the hand on the top, the warm look in the eyes? George: Hand sandwich. Jerry: Right. George: I see, well, that's open to interpretation. Because so much depends on the layering and the quality of the wetness in the eyes. Laura: Guess who? Jerry: Hey, hey. Laura & Jerry: Heeeey! Jerry: Its good to see you. Laura: Hi. Jerry: This is my friend George. Laura: Hi, how nice to meet you. George: Hi, how are you? Jerry: This is Laura. George: Laura, sure. Jerry: (to Laura) I cant believe you're here. George & Jerry: Ooh yeah, the bags, sure. Laura: Oh, thank you. Jerry: (aside, to George) Now that was an interesting greeting, did you notice that, George? George: Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. That wasnt in the manual, I dont know. Jerry: So uh, what do you think? Laura: Ooohhh, wow! This place isn't so bad. Jerry: Yeah, it kind a motivates me to work on the road. So uh, make yourself at home. (Laura sits down on the couch, takes off her shoes and opens some buttons of her shirt.) So uh, can I get you anything? Uuhhh, bread, water...salad-dressing? Laura: (laughs) Actually, um, do you have any wine? Jerry: Uh, yeah, I think I do. Laura: (referring to a lamp) Oh, do you mind if I turn this down? Jerry: Uh, no, yeah, go right ahead. Laura: Uh, Jerry, uh, I was wandering, would it be possible and if its not, fine for me to stay here tomorrow night too? Jerry: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure, why dont you stay? Yeah, uhm...What is your, what is your schedule for tomorrow? Are you, are you doin anything? Laura: No, Id love to do something. Uh, I have my seminar in the morning, then after that Im right open. Jerry: Really? What would you like to do? Laura: Well... now I know this sounds touristy, but Id just love to go on one of those five-hour boat rides around Manhattan. Jerry: (unenthusiastic) Yeah, we could do that...why not, why not. (pouring the wine) Im just, Im really glad you're here. Jerry: (answering) Yeah, hello...yes...yes, she is, hold on. (to Laura) Um, its for you. Laura: (to the phone) Hello?... Hi!... No no it was great, right on time... No, I, Im gonna stay here tomorrow...yes, yes its fine... No, were goin on a boat ride... Dont be silly... Im not gonna have this conversation... Look, Ill call you tomorrow... Okay, bye. (She hangs up the phone.) Never get engaged. Jerry: (not excited) You're engaged? Laura: You, you really have no idea what its like until you actually do it. And Im on this emotional roller coaster. Jerry: You're engaged? Laura: You know, I cant believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of we. Ugh, its a very stressful situation. Jerry: (matter-of-factly) You're engaged. Laura: Yeah, yeah, hes a great guy... Jerry: Yeah. Laura: Youd really like him, you know, I cant wait to get on that boat. Jerry: Me too! Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I dont get it, okay? I, I, I admit, I, Im not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little...everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle, we are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! Its the only thing we know for sure, it really is. We want women. How do we get them? Oh, we dont know bout that, we dont know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas weve had so far. The car-horn honk, is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. E-eeehh, eehhh, eehhh! This man is out of ideas. How does it...? E-e-e-eeeehhhh! I dont think she likes me. The amazing thing is, that we still get women, dont we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women, many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene. That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like Where to meet men? Were here, we are everywhere. Were honking our horns to serve you better. Jerry: So, Im on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars, the other three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the... Audience: Cheque. Jerry: Cheque. Now, the fact is, if its a woman in front of you that's writing the cheque, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with cheques, yknow, cause they write out so many cheques. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they dont know where that is, but the cheque book they got that. They never fumble for the cheque book. The cheque book comes out of a holster (Jerry draws imaginary book from a holster.) Who do I make it out to? Theres my ID. Theres something about a cheque that, to a man, is not masculine. I dont know exactly what it is. I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says, I dont have any money, but if you'll contact these people, Im sure theyll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time- I dont have any money but I have these. I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all? Jerry: Whats that one? Elaine: Coccoon II The Return. I guess they didnt like it up there. Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, shes probably screamin at those aliens, I gotta have a lo mein! Elaine: Okay, whatre we doing here? I have seen everything. Jerry: Oh yeah? I dont believe you've seen... this. Elaine: Oh, lovely. Jerry: Yeah. Elaine: What do you think their parents think? Jerry: So, uh, whats your son doing now, Dr. Stevens? Oh, hes a public fornicator. Yes, hes a fine boy... Elaine: Y'know what? This would be a really funny gift for Pamelas birthday. Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her? Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out. Jerry: Oh yeah, right... Elaine: You have no idea who Im talking about, do you? Jerry: (quickly) No. Elaine: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? (pause) Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple? Jerry: (a lightbulb goes on in his head) Riverside Drive. Elaine: Right! In fact... No, never mind... Jerry: Well, what is it? Elaine: Well, a bunch of people are getting together tomorrow night at some bar for her birthday, but... (Jerry turns in disgust) you dont want to go to... that... no. Jerry: Wait a second, wait a second. We could work out a little deal here. Elaine: What little deal? Jerry: I will go to that, if you go with me to a little family wedding I have on Saturday. Elaine: A wedding? Have you lost it, man? Jerry: Y'know, my parents are coming in for this... Elaine: They're coming in? Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow. Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave? Jerry: No, no. Still doin the big sweep across. Elaine: Why does he do that? Jerry: Doesnt think anyone can tell. So cmon, do we have a deal? Elaine: A wedding? Jerry: Theres a lot of people to mock... Elaine: All right, what the hell. Jerry: Great! Woman: When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not goin anywhere... Elaine: Cmon lets go... Jerry: Was I supposed to bring something? Elaine: You could have. Jerry: I met her one time... Elaine: It is not necessary. Jerry: What did you say then? Elaine: Sssshhhhhh!!! Pamela: Hi Elaine: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry. Pamela: (shakes Jerry's hand) Yes, we met. Jerry: Hi, happy birthday. Pamela: Thanks, ah, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry. Guests, Jerry & Elaine: Hi Jerry: I didnt bring anything. Pamela: Uh, I put you two right here. Jerry: Oh, Okay (turns to rest of table) Im sorry, I didnt know what to bring, nobody told me. Vanessa: How big a tip do you think itd take to get him to stop? Jerry: Im in for five... Vanessa: Ill supply the hat. Jerry: (thinking) Uh-oh... What do we have here? Vanessa: Why dont you relax and take your jacket off? Jerry: Oh, I cant. Uh, I have a tendency to get chilly. Vanessa: How masculine. Jerry: Plus Im wearing short sleeves, I dont want to expose my tattoos. (Vanessa smiles; thinking) Shes unbelievable! Roger: (to Vanessa) Hey, this guy says he knows Bricker. Vanessa: Oh, you know Bricker! From where? Jerry: (thinking) Whats going on here? Gotta be her boyfriend, shes too good to be alone. Whats the difference, I cant maneouver anyway with Elaine next to me. Vanessa: (to Jerry) How do you know Pamela? Jerry: Uh, friend of a friend. And you? Vanessa: We went to law school together. Elaine: (interrupting Jerry's conversation) Oh, Jerry! Jerry: (turning to Elaine; thinking) Oh no, not now. Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it. Jerry: Oh really? (tries turning away in the hopes Elaine gets the hint; thinking) Oh God, I gotta get out of this. Elaine: You were you, but, you werent you... Jerry: No kidding. (thinking) Why is this happening? Please, make her stop! Elaine: I think, I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window... Jerry: (thinking) This is brutal. Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth. Jerry: How do you like that? (tries to turn away again; thinking)Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I cant, I cant. Im stuck. Elaine: (noticing Jerry not wanting to listen; annoyed) Jerry? Are you listening to me? Jerry: Yes, I heard you. Pamela: Elaine, whats the name of that jewelry store you took me to that time? Jerry: (thinking) Thank you, Pamela! (turns to talk to Vanessa; to Vanessa) So, you're a lawyer... Vanessa: Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Jerry: (thinking) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft... (to Vanessa) Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit. Vanessa: Oh, that was you? Jerry: Imagine, spelling Mom with two Os. Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do? Jerry: Comedian. Vanessa: Really? That explains it. Jerry: (thinking; quickly) Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Roger: Are you ready? Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday! Jerry: (thinking) I cant believe it. I got nothing! I dont even know her name! Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag... Jerry: That wasnt so bad, really. Elaine: Y'know, um, you could use a little work on your manners. Jerry: Why? What did I do? Elaine: Wel-Well, I just dont appreciate these little courtesy responses, like Im selling you aluminum siding. Jerry: I was listening! Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... conversation. Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had. Elaine: Uh-huh... Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth. Elaine: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didnt have wooden teeth, you did! Jerry: All right, so I had wooden teeth, so what? Elaine: So nothing! Nothing. (annoyed sigh) Jerry: Apparently Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said, Yeah, I got this new thing Platonic. My idea, my name, callin it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them- dont do anything, and go right home. Whatd you think? I think its going to be big! I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didnt work. Y'know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went, Uh, Hi, uh my names Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, its a Riconic relationship. Jerry: Hey! Morty: Ah, there he is! Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed! Helen: Y'know, Jerry, we dont have to do this. Jerry: What are you talkin about? Its fine, I love having you here. Helen: Tomorrow well go to a hotel. Jerry: Ma, will you stop? Helen: No, why should we take over your apartment? Jerry: I dont care. Im sleeping next door. Helen: Your friend Kramer doesnt mind? Jerry: No, hes making a bouillabaisse. Jerry: So, dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices? Morty: Depends on the firm. Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was? Morty: Whats the matter? You need a lawyer? Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I dont know her name. Morty: So why dont you ask someone who was at the party? Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I cant ask her. Helen: Why not? Jerry: Because its complicated. Theres some tension there. Helen: He used to go with her. Helen: Which one is she? Morty: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didnt like. Helen: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person. Jerry: Oh yeah, shes great. Helen: So, how come nothing materialized there? Jerry: Well, its a tough thing to talk about uh. I dunno... Helen: I know what it was. Jerry: You dont know what it was. Helen: So, what was it? Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason. Helen & Morty: Oh, well... Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry. Helen: Well, I think shes a very attractive girl. Jerry: Oh, she is, she absolutely is. Helen: I can see if there was a weight problem... Jerry: No, its not that. It wasnt all one-sided. Helen: You know, you cant be so particular. Nobodys perfect. Jerry: I know, I know... Morty: Y'know Jerry, its a good thing I wasnt so particular. Helen: (hits Morty) Idiot. (to Jerry) So whore you looking for, Sophia Loren? Jerry: That's got nothin to do with it. Morty: How about Loni Anderson? Helen: Where do you get Loni Anderson? Morty: Why, whats wrong with Loni Anderson? Helen: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson. Jerry: What are you two talking about? Look, Elaine just wasnt the one. Helen: And this other ones the one? Jerry: I dunno, maybe... Morty: So ask Elaine there for her number. Jerry: I cant. Shell get upset. I never talk about other women with her, especially this one tonight. Helen: How could you still see her if your not interested? Jerry: Were friends. Morty: Doesnt sound like you're friends to me. If you were friends you'd-youd ask her for the number. Do you know where this other one works? Jerry: Oh yeah. Morty: Well, go up to the office. Helen: Up to her office? Morty: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesnt she? Jerry: I guess. Morty: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch. Jerry: You mean stakeout the lobby? Helen: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number! Morty: He doesnt want to ask Elaine for the number. Helen: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her? Morty: He pretends he bumped into her! Jerry: Y'know what? This is not that bad an idea. George: What does she look like? Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say. George: What actress does she remind you of? Jerry: Loni Anderson. George: Loni Anderson?! Jerry: What, theres something wrong with Loni Anderson? (pause) Hey listen, thanks again for running over here. I appreciate it. George: Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th street. Besides, you think I wanna miss this? (chuckles) Jerry: Im a little nervous. George: Yeah, me too... Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that Im doing here in the building? George: You came to see me. I work in the building. Jerry: What do you do? George: Im an architect. Jerry: You're an architect? George: Im not? Jerry: I dont see architecture comin from you. George: (somewhat annoyed) I suppose you could be an architect. Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just somethin else. George: All right, shes not even gonna ask, if we see her, which is remote. Jerry: Well whaddaya want me to say, that I just wandered in here? George: Were having lunch with a friend. He works in the building. Jerry: What is his name? George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son. Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up. George: No good? All right, uh how about Art... Cor... Jerry: Art Cor... George: ...velay. Jerry: Corvelay? George: Yeah, right. Jerry: Well, what does he do? George: Hes an importer. Jerry: Just imports, no exports? George: (annoyed) Hes an importer/exporter, okay? (beat) Elaine ever call you back? Jerry: No, I guess shes still mad. George: I dont understand, you never talk to her about other women? Jerry: Never. (The elevator door opens.) Wait a second. That's her. On the right. George: (anxious) I forgot who I am! Who am I?! Jerry: You're you. Were having lunch with Art Corvelay. George: Vandelay! Jerry: Corvelay! George: Let me be the architect! I can do it! Jerry: Hey, hey. uh Pamelas birthday party, didnt I see you there? Jerry. Vanessa: Sure! Hi! Jerry: Uh, this is George. (reaches for her name) Im sorry... Vanessa: Vanessa. George: Nice to meet you. Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennet, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taft. Vanessa: That's right! Yea, whatre you doing here? Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building. George: Yeah, Art Vandelay. Vanessa: Really? Which company? Jerry & George: (turning to each other) I dont know. Hes an importer. Vanessa: Importer? George: ...And exporter. Jerry: Hes an importer/exporter. George: (clears his throat) Im, uh, Im an architect. Vanessa: Really. What do you design? George: Uh, railroads, uh... Vanessa: I thought engineers do that. George: They can... Jerry: Y'know Im sorry you had to leave so early the other night. Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston. Jerry: Oh, that guy was your cousin! (walking in front of George so he gets the picture to leave) Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your... Jerry: Friend! George: Ill just, uh, get a paper... Jerry: So, um, do you date uh immature men? Vanessa: Almost exclusively... Helen: Bum bum bum bum... I have no letters... Bum bum bum bum... Jerry: (annoyed) Ma, will you go already? Helen: Bum bum bum bum... Jerry: What are you doing?! Helen: Wait, I just want to see something. Jerry: You cant look in there, were playing! Kramer: Hi. Jerry: Hi. Morty: (cleaning his shoes) Good evening, Mr. Kramer! Kramer: Hey Morty! (to Jerry) Salad dressing? Jerry: Look. Helen: Quo. Is that a word? Jerry: Maybe! Helen: Will you challenge it? Jerry: Ma, you cant look up words in the dictionary! (to Morty) Dad, shes cheating! Kramer: Quo? That's not a word. Helen: (to Jerry) You're such a stickler... Jerry: Well put something down, you're taking twenty minutes on this. So is Uncle Mac and Artie, they're all coming over here before the wedding? Helen: Theyll be here at two oclock. Oh, Elaine called. She said shed be here at two-thirty. And she says Hope your meeting went well with Art Vandelay? Jerry: She said what? Helen: Just what I said, here. Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass. Helen: She knows what? Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator... Helen: No, no, no, that wont do. He may have a Z. Morty: So, how did she find out? Jerry: Because, Vanessa probably told Pamela, and Pamela probably told Elaine. Morty: So, what are you? Afraid of her? Jerry: Yes. Yes I am! (to Helen) What else did she say on the phone? Helen: Whatever I wrote down. Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound? Helen: Who am I, Rich Little? Morty: Well, she cant be too mad. Shes still coming to the wedding. Jerry: Yeah, but now Im nervous. Helen: Oh, stop it. Jerry: Quone? Helen: ...30...31... Jerry: Quone? No, Im afraid that Im going to have to challenge that. Helen: ...32... Kramer: No, you dont have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word. Jerry: I am challenging. Kramer: Quone. To quone something. Jerry: Uh-huh. Helen: Im not playing with you anymore. Morty: Quones not a word. Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off. Helen: (to Kramer) Why did you make me put that down? Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him. Carol: You want some funny material, you oughta come down to where I work, now that's a sitcom! Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. Carol: We got plenty of time. Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Im just waiting for someone. Uncle Mac: Watch what you say to this guy. Hell put it in his next act! Jerry: Yeah, yeah... Uncle Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that Im writing a book? An autobiography. Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it. Uncle Mac: Its based on all my experiences! Jerry: That's perfect. Jerry: Could you excuse me one second? Im sorry. Jerry: How do you do? (introducing himself) Uh, Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine: Oh, how do you do? Elaine Benes. Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car? Elaine: Oh no, lets do it now. Jerry: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain- Elaine: Okay. Artie: Jerry, were you goin with us? Jerry: No, Im gonna take my car. Artie: That's why I brought the wagon. Why the hell did I bring the wagon? Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didnt ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab. Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the spectacle. Carol: Jerry, well see you there. Bye, Elaine. Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you. Artie: Oh, we didnt meet. Jerry: Oh, Im sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin, Artie Levine. Artie: (correcting Jerry) Levine. Jerry: (sarcastically) Yeah, Levine. And Im Jerry Cougar Mellencamp. Anyway, I admit it was a fairly ridiculous thing to do, but I mean, I mean, obviously we have a little problem here. Elaine: Yeah, obviously. Jerry: I mean, if were gonna be friends, we gotta be able to talk about other people. Elaine: Couldn't agree more. Jerry: Good. Elaine: Good. Jerry: Good. Elaine: Great! Jerry: Great? Where do you get great? Elaine: Its great to... talk about... other people... Jerry: ...Guys? Elaine: Yeah. Jerry: Uh-huh. Yeah. So, anybody specific? Elaine: No. A general guy. Jerry: Oh really? Elaine Marie Benes... Elaine: What? No, its not a big deal. Jerry: No, that's great! That's terrific! Elaine: No, we just met... Jerry: Doesnt matter. Whats the young mans name? I would like to meet him. Elaine: Hmmm, I dont think so. Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a labourer of some sort? Elaine: Wall street. Jerry: Ah, high finance. Bulls, Bears, people from Connecticut. Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin. Jerry: (pause) All right, sir. Elaine: And... hes hilarious. Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy? Elaine: I staked out his health club. Jerry: Uh huh. When you're on a stakeout, do you find its better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant? Jerry: Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or lets say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, its very difficult. Isn't this? Its hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. Its like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, Look, a rabbit. The other goes, So? I believe this is your card. Look, why dont we just saw each other in half and call it a night, okay?
Allison: I don't want to live! I don't want to live! George: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing! Allison: No... You're something. George: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! Allison: You're good. You're good! George: I'm bad. I'm bad! Allison: You're killing me! George: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. Elaine: Over you? George: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? George: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". Elaine: I got him a two-line phone. Jerry: Unbelievable! She's not there. George: What paper does she write for? Jerry: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am. Elaine: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... Jerry: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... Elaine: [Proudly] Really? Elaine: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? Jerry: Living or all time? Elaine: All time. Jerry: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. Elaine: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? George: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. Elaine: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. Elaine: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. George: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. Jerry: [indignantly] What's the matter with you? George: [quietly] C'mon, go along... Jerry: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." Jerry: Y'know I hear that all the time. Elaine: Hear what? Jerry: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. Jerry: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. Elaine: And you get along well with women. George: I guess that leaves me in the clear... George: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. Jerry: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? George: Yeah, how did you know that? Jerry: You told me that already like two months ago. George: Allison bought it for me. Jerry: How you gonna get out of that one? George: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. Jerry: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? Sharon: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. George: Jerry did you wash this pear? Jerry: Yeah, I washed it. George: It looks like it hasn't been washed. Jerry: So wash it. George: You hear the way he talks to me? Sharon: You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me... George: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? Sharon: It's nice. George: Jerry said he didn't like it. Jerry: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... George: No, you said you didn't like it... Jerry: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something? Sharon: So how did you two meet? Jerry: Actually, we met in the gym locker room. George: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since. (George Takes A Hold Of Jerry'S Leg To Stress The Point And Sharon, Who Obviously Thinks She Has A Real Story Here Now, Asks Another Question: ) Sharon: Do you guys live together? Jerry: [quizzically] Live together? George: No, I got my own place. (Jerry Is About This Close (Picture My Thumb And Forefinger Really Close Together) To Figuring Out What Is Going On Here, When The "Question Fatale" Is Asked: ) Sharon: And do your parents know? Jerry: Know what? George: My parents? They don't know what's goin' on... Jerry: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I knew you looked familiar! Jerry: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: No, of course not... Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are... George: Absolutely... Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends... George: My father is gay... Sharon: Look, I know what I heard. Jerry: It was a joke... George: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! (Not That That Approach Was Going To Work, Or Anything, But What Minute Chance They Had Of Convincing Her Is Blown Away As The Door Bursts Open And: ) Kramer: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! George: No! Jerry: No steam! Kramer: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! Kramer: Happy birthday paruba! Jerry: Today's not my birthday. Kramer: Well, I beg to differ... Jerry: Look at this! A phone! A two-line phone! Jerry: Hey, where you going? Elaine: I gotta go return something... Sharon: Jerry, it's Sharon from NYU. I'm just calling to tell you that I'm not going to play up that angle we talked about and I'm sorry. Jerry: Thank you very much, that's great- >click< Oh! Hold on a sec, I got a call on the other line. >click click< Hello? George: Hey. Jerry: Hey, how ya doin'? Y'know I got that reporter from the newspaper on the other line. George: So, what did she say? Jerry: She says she's not going to play up that angle of the story. She thinks we're heterosexual. [sarcastically] I guess we fooled her. I'll get rid of her, hold on... >click click< Sharon? Hello? Sharon, are you there? >click click< I'm back... George: Y'know... I could hear you on the other line... Jerry: What are you talkin' about? George: I heard what you said "Sharon, are you there?". Jerry: You heard me talkin' on the other line, are you sure? George: Yes, I heard you! Jerry: Well, maybe she was disconnected. George: Maybe she wasn't! Maybe she heard the whole conversation! Jerry: Alright, hang on. Let me call Kramer and see if you can hear anything, hold on. >click click click<... Kramer: Yello? Jerry: Kramer, there may be a problem with the phone, hold on. >click click< George: "There may be a problem with the phone, hold on"! Jerry: Oh no! >click click< Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk, goodbye! George: "The phone's a piece of junk, goodbye"! Jerry: Oh no! Now she's heard everything! What are we gonna do?!? George: Now she thinks we're gay, not that there's anything wrong with it... Jerry: No, no, of course not! People's personal sexual preferences are nobody's business but their own! Sharon: Why don't you take a seat? Elaine: Thank-you. Sharon: Why don't you take your coat off? Elaine: So she kept insisting I take off my coat. I refused, and then she forcibly tried to get me to remove it. Jerry: She wouldn't take her coat off at my house, either. George: Y'know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war! Jerry: So you don't take your coat off, and now everyone at NYU thinks I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: Not at all. George: Two tickets to "Guys And Dolls"! I'm gonna go with you! Jerry: "Guys And Dolls"? Isn't that a lavish, Broadway musical? George: It's "Guys And Dolls", not "Guys And Guys". Jerry: "The Collected Works Of Bette Midler". Jerry: What do you got there? Man #1: _The New York Post_, they've got an article about you. Jerry: "Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his long-time companion seem to be inseparable..." Oh no! The Associated Press picked up the NYU story. That's going to be in every paper! I've been "outed"! I wasn't even "in"! George: Now everyone's going to think we're gay! Jerry: Not that there's anything wrong with that... George: No, not at all... Jerry: "Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple-" I told you that pear was washed! Kramer: I thought we were friends... Jerry: Here we go... Kramer: I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me? Jerry: It's not true! Kramer: Aaaah! Enough lying! The lying is through! C'mon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. You're thin, late thirties, single... Jerry: So are you... Kramer: Yeah- George: Hello? Mrs. S: George? George: Mrs. Seinfeld?!? Mrs. S: Oh, my God... Jerry: Oh, my God! [takes the phone] Ma? Mrs. S: Jerry? Jerry: Ma! George: Oh, my God! My MOTHER!!! Mrs. S: Jerry? Jerry: Ma, it's not true! Mr. S: It's those damn culottes you made him wear when he was five! Mrs. S: They weren't culottes, they were shorts. Mr. S: They were culottes! You bought them in the girl's department. Mrs. S: By mistake! By mistake, Jerry! I'm sorry! Mr. S: It looked like he was wearing a skirt, for crying out loud! Jerry: Ma, it has nothing to do with the culottes! Mrs. S: Not that there's anything wrong with that, Jerry. Mrs. C: I open up the paper, and this is what I have to read about? I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again, I couldn't move... The super had to come and get help me up. I was half naked! George: It's not true! Mrs. C: Every day it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows what you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. George: Yeah. I'm Buck Naked. Mrs. C: Jerry, I can see. He's so neat and thin. Not that there's anything wrong with it. George: Of course not... Nurse: 630, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. George: Alright, now the play is tomorrow night. So do you want to have dinner first, or do you just want to meet at the theatre? Sailor: Excuse me, sir? I don't mean to bother you. I just wanted you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out the way you did, and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks. Jerry: Y'know, I think I'll pass on the "Guys And Dolls"... George: No. Just imagine her reaction. Elaine: Yeah... George: Oh, my God... Jerry: What? George: She hasn't seen the article! When she sees it, she's gonna think- I'm out baby!! I'm out!!!!! Allison: Yeah? So? George: Yeah so?? Allison: Well this is nice. They mention your name. George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? Allison: No, what? George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. Allison: You're gay? George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. Allison: [matter-of-factly] I don't believe it. George: You don't believe me? Ask Jerry. Allison: I will. George: What do you mean you will? That's a bad idea. Jerry is a very private person. Allison: [Grabs George's lapels] I want to hear it from Jerry... Sharon: Oh, can you ever forgive me? Jerry: I dunno... [they kiss again] Alright, I forgive you... Sharon: Y'know the funny thing is, I was attracted to you immediately. Jerry: I was attracted to you, too. You remind me of Lois Lane. George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! Jerry: What!? George: You're with a woman! Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!? George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you! Jerry: [forcibly removing G. from the apt] Would you get the Hell out of here! Sharon: What's going on? Allison: Yeah, what's going on? George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead. Jerry: Tell her what? George: Y'know. About us. George: Alright, I'll tell you the truth. I'm not gay. My name's Buck Naked, I'm a porno actor. Allison: Really? Kramer: We'll see you later... Kramer: He's the phone man! Kramer: Not that there's anything wrong with that... I Am Not Gay. I Am, However, Thin, Single And Neat. Sometimes When Someone Is Thin, Single And Neat People Assume They Are Gay Because That Is A Stereotype. They Normally Don'T Think Of Gay People As Fat, Sloppy And Married. Although I'M Sure There Are, I Don'T Want To Perpetuate The Stereotype. I'M Sure They Are The Minority Though Within The Gay Community. They'Re Probably Discriminated Against Because Of That, People Say To Them "Y'Know Joe, I Enjoy Being Gay With You But I Think Think It'S About Time, Y'Know That You Got In Shape, Tucked The Shirt In And Lost The Wife". But If People Are Even Going To Assume That People That Are Neat Are Gay, Maybe Instead Of Doin' This: "Y'know I think Joe might be a little... [waves hand back and forth]", they should vacuum "Y'know I think Joe might be >vroom< [makes vacuuming motion]. Yeah, I got a feeling he's a little >vrooom<..."
Man: Yes! Good thing I noticed the similar shapes. Hermes: Planet Express stockholders, I present our chief executive officer, Professor Hubert Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Oh! Amy: There he is! Hattie: Take it off! Farnsworth: Where am I? Hermes: Move forward. Walk into the light. Farnsworth: Oh, God, I'm dead! Well, no matter. Thank you all for coming. I don't recognise any of you, nor can I recall why I am here. Now, without further ado, a film highlighting Planet Express Inc.'s latest fiscal year. Narrator: Planet Express is on the move. For this hip, young delivery company, tomorrow is today and today is yesterday. You heard me. It was a year of soaring profits and significant one-time losses. Fry: Psst! Watching myself work is making me hungry. Help me find some food somewhere. Zoidberg: I'll not only help you find it, I'll help you do more to it! Fry: Ooh! A Bot Mitzvah. Shalom, hunger! Shalom, free food! Robot #1: No shellfish! Zoidberg: That is so unfair! Pig: Tell me about it. Fry: So what's the deal? You guys don't believe in Robot Jesus? Rabbi-Bot: We believe he was built and that he was a very well programmed robot. But he wasn't our Messiah. Narrator: And so our company flames onwards. Planet Express Limitless potential, boundless horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut of the corporate universe. Hermes: It's been a terrible year, people. The company is on the verge of bankruptcy. Leela: But the movie- Hermes: Was a substantial loss for the company. The blue slice represents the money we earned from shipping packages, while the green slice represents an $8 bank error in our favour. Leela: This toads the wet sprocket. What about out thousands of shares of stock? Hermes: Worthless. Bender: I'll kill you! Hattie: I own one share of Planet kajiggers so I'm entitled to some answers. Question 1 Why does no one visit me in my home? Farnsworth: 'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip and cat pee. Fry: This is perfect for me. Zoidberg: Question Do you have to have been cryogenically frozen to get the free- You didn't let me finish. I was going to say "to get the free food". Joe: My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee. All: Hello, Joe. Joe: When I was frozen, giant carrots ruled the Earth, but now they don't. It takes some getting used to. Steve Castle: Back in the 1980's, I was the toast of Wall Street. I was having whiskey with Boesky and cookies with Milken. But then, I was diagnosed with terminal boneitis. Fry: Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for a horrible disease. Steve Castle: There was no cure at the time. One drug company was close but I arranged a hostile takeover and sold off all the assets. Made a cool hundred mil. Naturally I froze myself until a cure was found. Now here I am, ready to sleaze my way back to the top, 80's style! Caveman: As a caveman frozen in a glacier, I face different challenges. The hardest thing was seeing my wife on display in the British Museum. Fry: Hey, buddy, I'm from the same time as you. Remember that song, Safety Dance? Steve Castle: Sure do! We can dance! Fry: Y'know, that dance wasn't as safe as they said it was. Steve Castle: I tell you Two go-go 80's Reagan-auts like us, we could rule this world! Fry: No question! Steve Castle: If only someone would give us a shot. Fry: They're scared of our raw power. Oh, but if you want a job, I could beg everyone at the company where I work. Steve Castle: Awesome. Awesome to the max! Hermes: And finally, the post office meter is for business mail only. Bender: Aw, come on! I've got a lot of ransom notes to send! Hattie: Enough talk. It's time for action. I move that everyone come to my apartment to snuggle my cat. Scruffy: Second. Farnsworth: I move that your cat stinks and is ugly. Scruffy: Second. Hattie: I move that we vote on a new chief executive officer and oust this old creep. And also that make cat smells good and is pretty. Scruffy: Second. Hermes: Very well. I nominate the Professor. Amy: Second. Leela: Second. Bender: Second. Farnsworth: I'm your man. Leela: I vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor. Hermes: Yeah, the Professor! Farnsworth: Me! Fry: I nominate That Guy. Not just because he has a suit but because he knows about business and stuff and he has a tie. My shares still count if they went through the washing machine, right? Hermes: Well, if I know anything about which number is bigger than the other number, I'd say that- Scruffy: Now hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000 shares for the mysterious stranger. Leela: 40,000? How come you have four-times as much stock as the rest of us? Scruffy: Scruffy believes in this company. Hermes: Then we have a tie. And in the event of a tie, the Professor, as the current CEO remains- Hattie: I demand the floor. I may only have one share but I get to vote same as anyone. And I'm voting against the cat-hater. Isn't that right, kitty? Hey! You ate my change! Hermes: Then it's settled. The new chief executive officer of Planet Express corporation is That Guy. Hermes: Please welcome our new chief executive officer, That Guy. Steve Castle: Let's cut to the chase. There are two kinds of people Sheep and sharks. Anyone who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep? Zoidberg: Uh, excuse me? Which is the one people like to hug? Steve Castle: Gutsy question. You're a shark. Sharks are winners and they don't look back 'cause they don't have necks. Necks are for sheep. I am proud to be the shepherd of this herd of sharks and I am gonna lead you to the top in this industry of ... of- Fry: Package delivery. Steve Castle: Package delivery? Oh, God! Fantastic! Now, the first order of business is to blame everything on the guy before me. Professor? Farnsworth: I'll ruin you like I ruined this company. Steve Castle: Terrific. Question number one What was your overall business plan? Farnsworth: Um, business plan, uh, yes. I keep it here, right next to my heart. Steve Castle: This isn't a business plan, it's an escape plan. Farnsworth: So long, suckers! Steve Castle: Fry, as a fellow 80's dollar-jockey, I'm making you my new vice chairman. Fry: I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp. Zoidberg: It's the end of the line! Hermes: We're ruined! Scruffy: What fevered dream is this that bids to tear this company in twain? Monster: Thank you, come again! Steve Castle: That's what I call a hostile makeover! Hair gel? Fry: No, thanks. I make my own. Steve Castle: This company's gonna shoot straight to the top and stay there, like Cindy Lauper! I ask you Who is the number one delivery service on Earth? Zoidberg: Is it Planet Express, master? Steve Castle: Is this guy a shark, or what? Seriously though, we stink out loud. Here's the big enchirito. Mom's Friendly Delivery Company. Hermes: We can't compete with Mom! Her company is big and evil. Ours is small and neutral. Steve Castle: Switzerland is small and neutral. We're more like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood. Amy: Look, everyone wants to be like Germany but do we really have the pure strength of will? Steve Castle: I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves get beaten by an old lady? Zoidberg: Yes, my liege! Fry: No, we're not. And as vice chairman, I believe I speak for the entire board when I issue this challenge to Mom. Look at my butt! Mom: You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit the retaliate button. Walt: Uh ... um ... hmm ... let's see. Mom: Any button! They all retaliate! Fry: Woo! Yeah! Hit him, hit him, hit him! Now this is the high life; watching apes mangle each other near celebrities. Steve Castle: In my day we went to coke parties but the principle's the same. Calculon: Get your stinkin' trike off me, you damn dirty ape. Steve Castle: Listen, big guy, now that you're my protégé, it's time I cut you in on the secret to success. Any guesses? Fry: Uh, work really, really hard? Steve Castle: No. Fry: Oh, thank God! Steve Castle: It's all about appearances. That's why it's time to update our company's stodgy image and give it the sleek, dazzling veneer of the 1980's! Fry: This company's on the fast track to the "It" list. Blast back kudos all around! Leela: Uh, hello? We haven't made one delivery since you two took over. Steve Castle: Delivery has nothing to do with the delivery business. Image, people, image! Scope out this new ad! Mom: We are all one, with one mind, one purpose and one act. Our enemies shall be eaten by squirrels. We shall bow down and worship to ourselves. We shall prevail! Man: Hey! We were watching that! Leela: That was terrible! People won't even know what we do. Bender: I don't even know what we do. Nah, just kidding! What are, like, a bus or something? Leela: Did you approve that awful ad, Fry? Fry: Yes I did, Leels. And I'll tell you why. Because it grows the brand. Leela: Oh, Lord! Zoidberg: This company's circling the drain, I tell you. I'd sell my stock right now for a sandwich! Steve Castle: Sold! Zoidberg: A complete sangwich? You got fleeced! I would have settled for a hard roll with ketchup inside! Mom: What is this moose drip? The new delivery kings? I'm sick of hearing about those turtle squirts! Igner: But they're kings, Mommy! Mom: Jam a bastard in it, you crap! Elzar: Enjoy our private dining room, folks. This is where we serve our richest, most successful chumps! Fry: Tonight, that's us! Steve Castle: What have you got that's really overpriced? Elzar: Everything. Steve Castle: Bring me that. Fry: Make it two. And a glass of all your water. Steve Castle: OK, let's work on your execu-speak. I'm worried about "blank". Fry: Don't you worry about "blank". Let me worry about "blank". Steve Castle: Good. I also would have accepted, "Blank? Blank? You're not looking at the big picture!" Fry: What a pleasant surprise! Mom: Shut up, booger blaster! It's time the three of us had a talk. Steve Castle: I'll handle this, Fry. You get back to the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise outside the box. Fry: I'm on it. But if you need me, you know where I'll be. Fry: Call me a "booger blaster"! I'll blast a booger so hard that- Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express. Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express. Let me worry about "blank". Hermes: That Guy is nothing but a flashy con man! And you've been hypnotised by his swinging baloney! Leela: You've changed, Fry. Fry: What? I haven't changed. Suz? Have I changed? Suz: No, sir, Mr. Fry. Fry: Thanks, doll. Leela: I don't care what Ms. Johnson says. That Guy's turning this place into some kind of business. Farnsworth: This isn't a business. I've always thought of it more as a source of cheap labour, like a family. Fry: You're right, Professor. We might not be a traditional family like the Murphy's next door or the lesbian coven across the street. But we are a family and That Guy understands that. Steve Castle: Everyone's fired and we're out of business. Amy: Oh, no! Hermes: How? Steve Castle: I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom so she can gut the company and eliminate us as competitors. Mom: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, 'cause I don't want ass prints on my new door! Fry: Uh, Ms. Johnson? Please bring in some more chair fuel. Fry: I had no idea the company would be sold. I was just an innocent suck-up. You've gotta believe me! Leela: Just leave us alone and let us clear out our lockers. Bender: Yeah! Amy: It's so sad, where will I go? What will I do? Lackey: You have Mrs. Darlinghaven's cotillion at 7, ma'am. Amy: Oh. That'll be fun. Fry: Ms. Johnson, you've never lied to me. Am I still a good person? Suz: I don't know, sir. I'm a program built into the intercom. Fry: I've got to redeem myself. Somehow, sometime, for some reason. I'll block this takeover! Suz: Mr. Fry, your two o'clock magician is here. Fry: Believe it or not, I have more important things to do today than laugh and clap my hands. Reschedule. Broker-Bot #1: Sell 100 soylent beans! Broker-Bot #2: Buy 3,000 cornbellies! Broker-Bot #3: 200 canned whoop-ass! Broker-Bot #1: Three big bags of trash! Jor-El: Attention, please. The takeover of PlanEx Corp. by Mom's Delivery Company will take place in the business centre in 10 minutes. I am Jor-El, master of scheduling! Steve Castle: OK. We've got the hot tub hot, the wine cooler's cool. It's Hammer time! Bender: You suck! Mom: According to regulations, both companies must approve the takeover. Planet Express shareholders, cast your votes. Hermes: Great Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against it! Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for school teachers! Bender: What the-? Hattie: How the-? Amy: Oh, no! Steve Castle: I neglected to mention that the shares I bought from Dr. Zoidberg gave me majority control. Leela: Zoidberg owned 51% of the company? Hermes: The shares were worthless and he kept asking for toilet paper. Mom: And now if Momcorp shareholders will cast their ballots. Igner: Um ... uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing. Mom: How about a hand recount? Igner: OK. Ow! Mom: The takeover of Planet Express is approved. Amy: This stinks! Lackey: Madam is outraged. Steve Castle: Security, I want that bunch of rowdies outta here. Bender: Hold on a minute! Scruffy: Hey! Hey! Mom: Momcorp will now purchase all outstanding shares of Planet Express at the current market price, which is Jor-El: 107. Bender: Ow! And also it hurt my feelings! Horrible Gelatinous Stockbroker: What are you solids griping about? Your shares are worth $107 apiece. Leela: They are? Oh, my God! I'm a millionaire! Suddenly I have an opinion about that capital gains tax! Bender: Yeah! Alright! Amy: I'm even richer! Zoidberg: Oh! I have no shares! Wait! My sangwich! Has it also appreciated in value? Please, oh, please! Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it, you spineless lobster! Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this! Fry: As vice chairman of Planet Express, I'd like to say a few words. There comes a time for every man who becomes rich and deserts his friends, when he goes back how it was. For me, that time is now. Fry: So I ask you, as a friend, won't you stop this deal? Steve Castle: Fry, I'm an 80's guy. Friendship to me means that for two bucks I'd beat you with a pool cue till you got detached retinas. The deal will go ahead as- My bones! Fry: Oh, my God! His boneitis! Steve Castle: I was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot to cure it. My only regret is ... that I have ... boneitis! Fry: He's dead. Mom: Pry out his fillings, feed him to the jackals and let's get on with the sale. Fry: I don't think so. 'Cause, as vice chairman of the company, I gain voting control of his shares. Mom: Don't be a fool, you idiot! Fry: I'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy was the greatest businessman that ever lived. And before his mysterious death, he taught me everything he knew. But some things I had to learn myself. I learned that money is fine but in the end what counts is people ... ... people you love. You can't put a price on that. So I'm giving up control of the company ... ... to a man of enormous experience ... ... Professor ... ... Hubert Farnsworth. Farnsworth: Oh, uh, what? I'm awake, I'm awake! Bender: Fry! Stop doing the right thing, you jerk! Leela: Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna be filthy, stinking rich! Zoidberg: Trust me, two out of three doesn't cut it! Fry: You mean you'd rather be rich than work together? Leela: Hell, yeah! Fry: In my whole life, this company was the only place I'd ever really felt at home. If being millionaires is more important to you than our- Bender: It is! Fry: Friendship, then I'll sell Planet Express, for you. Hattie: "Millionaires" nothing! The stock's only worth three kajiggers! Bender: Oh, come on! Hermes: My Jah! It's worth less now than when it was worthless! Fry: It is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what I do! The deal is off! Zoidberg: Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! Oh! I'm ruined. Why? Why? Fry: Look, so we're not millionaires. At least we all still get to work together. Bender: Shut your fat mouth! Fry: See you guys Monday!
Scene Description: Windermere Florida, Thanksgiving night, 2009, 2:15 am. There's fighting inside a mansion as a couple screams at each other Man: Put it down, you bitch! Scene Description: Mansion, inside. The camera is focused on the dining room table and slowly pulls back. A golf club strikes a dirty dish and smashes it apart Man: Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! [it's Tiger Woods, cowering behind a chair] Woman: [smashes some more dishes] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [Elin, with a bad Swedish accent] Tiger: You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow! Elin: Then why-a the fuck are you getting a text-a message from some-a low-life-a hooker on Thanksgiving?! Tiger: God, shut up! [runs out of the dining room] Shut! Up! [enters his den and starts rummaging through a drawer] Where are my fucking pills?! [finds them, takes a bunch, and swallows them] Elin: Oh yeah! Take more vitamins, Tiger! That'll help!! Tiger: Will you just listen to me?! Elin: Listen to this-a! [runs up to him and whacks him across the face as he turns to face her, leaving a bleeding gash across his right cheek] Tiger: [winces] Aaaah! [looks at her] You fucking whore! Scene Description: Outside the front door. Tiger leaves the house and goes to his SUV, wiping himself clean. Elin follows him to the front door Elin: Oh where the fuck do ya think-a you're going?! Tiger: I'm getting the fuck away from you! [opens the drivers' side door and gets in the SUV. Elin approaches that door with the club. Tiger starts the engine, and Elin starts swinging at the left rear door] Elin: Open the door, you motherfucker! [Tiger peels away] Scene Description: A videogame store. Cartman and Kenny are playing a golf game featuring Tiger and Elin. The preceding scenes were from that game Cartman: [playing as Tiger] Ooo yeah, take that from me in the car, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle walk into the store and spot the other two boys] Stan: What are you guys doing? Cartman: Dude, check it out! It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11 for Xbox. [onscreen, Elin is chasing the SUV and leaving cracks in the rear windows with each swing of the club] Tiger: D'Aaaah! Fuck you, cunt! Cartman: Stop breaking through the window, Kenny! Whoa, I'm gonna crash I'm gonna crash! [Cartman loses control of the SUV, which hits a fire hydrant, then a tree. Elin catches up to the SUV as Tiger opens the door and staggers out, a bit dazed. The radiator is letting out steam] Tiger: Aw, look what you did, you crazy bitch! Elin: It serves you right, you cheating turd! [swings at him and misses] Cartman: Oh dude, was that a combo move? Kenny: (Yeah dude, I fucked you up.) Cartman: Dude, here come the cops! We've gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie. Kyle: Wow, I didn't know golf games were this cool. Cartman: Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time. Scene Description: Center for Disease Control and Prevention - the CDC - day. A table full of experts and doctors is assembled on the top floor Chairman: I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds our country has to offer. As you've all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis, and we need to find out what's causing it. [the men glance at each other] Why? Why are rich successful men suddenly going out and trying to have sex with lots of women? Expert 1: [with mustache and black coat] Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, but our data shows that the numbers are growing. David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. There's a pattern here, people. Expert 2: [with mustache and midnight blue coat] Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money use that and have sex with lots of different women? [glances at the woman to his left, then looks ahead again] Chairman: [stands up] Aand these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home. Why would they even think of sex with others? Dammit! [pounds the table with his right fist, but manages only a soft blow] I want answers! Expert 3: [balding, with lab coat] We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir. Chairman: [sits down] Sex awhowho? Expert 4: [glasses and lab coat] It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet, but it... seems to make people... different. Of course, we all know the normal healthy male thinks only of sex occasionally and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. [the other men murmur in agreement] Expert 5: Definitely true. Chairman: Yes, we all know that, go on. Expert 4: But in the sex addict, their entire lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. The mere sight of an attractive woman could... can make them think about sex with her. Expert 6: [with fat cheeks] But what about love? How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? [looks at the woman to his right] Chairman: What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction? Expert 7: [black] It could be caused by something in the water supply. Uh, perhaps even by - global warming. Expert 8: [Japanese ancestry] Or cooling. Expert 9: Yes Expert 7: If.so, then the disease could start to affect our children Chairman: That does it! [pounds the table softly] I want health screening at all our nation's schools! We need to find out if any young people might be carrying this disease. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, 4th Grade classroom. A researcher stands before the class with a clipboard Expert 9: Good afternoon, students. We are going to be a doing a health screening today. It won't take long, it'll be relatively painless, but we need to see if any students are showing... symptoms. [to his left is a cart with two beakers, a tray, and a picture resting against the legs] I'n a moment, I'm going to show you a suggestive picture. [puts the tray on the middle shelf of the cart and picks up the picture] And then I'm going to ask you a question about that picture. Alright, ready? Here we go. [turns the picture around and a naked couple appears, caressing. The class gasps] The class: Oh! Wow. Ohhh. Kenny: [cheering] (Woo hoo!) Kyle: Jesus, dude. Butters: Holy moly, what's that between the lady's legs? It's all bushy. Expert 9: Please just study the picture the best you can, students. I'll then ask you the question which you'll answer on the paper provided. Butters: [pointing] I've never seen that part of a lady! Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they?? Expert 9: Okay, very good. [sets the picture down against the cart again] Now, what color... was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? Write down your answer, please: what color was the handkerchief... in the nice lady's hand? Butters: [to Clyde] Did you see that bush on that lady?? What the heck was that?? Expert 9: Very good, turn your answers over please. [the students turn their sheets over] Butters: Gee whiz, it was like almost up to her belly button! Expert 9: Alright, now, who answered that the handkerchief was... yellow? [most of the kids raise their hands] Very good, very good indeed. Now I'd like to see who answered "What handkerchief?" [Kenny is the first to raise his hand. Kyle is nervous and looks around, but then raises his left hand. Butters looks over at them and then raises his left hand] A-ha! You three boys, please come with me. [heads for the door as Kyle, Kenny, and Butters leave their seats] Kyle: I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see a handkerchief, Kenny? Kenny: (Fuck no, I wasn't looking at a handkerchief!) Scene Description: a small unused office at school. The researcher takes the boys into the office, has them sit at a table, and sits opposite them Expert 9: I'm sorry boys, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction. Kyle: What?! Butters: Oh no! Kenny: [annoyed] (Who fuckin' cares?) Expert 9: We're gonna have to send you home, I'm afraid. Kyle: Wait, we're sex addicts? Uh-are you sure? Expert 9: Our nice-lady-with-the-handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and thorough. I'm sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal, well-adjusted students. Butters: It was just... so big and bushy sir. Why does it look like that? Kyle: So what happens to us now? Expert 9: [sighs and rises from his chair, walking off] A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. Your addiction will start off slowly - magazines, Internet sites - but then, as you keep chasing your high your tastes will get more and more dangerous. Most likely you'll end up going the way of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence: autoerotic asphyxiation. Kenny: (Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?) Expert 9: I don't want to go into too much detail but... you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something, then you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm super awesome. Kenny: (Really??) Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume. Scene Description: CDC Headquarters, day. The chairman and his board address the public Chairman: Ladies and gentlemen, for the past several days we've been screening our nation's schools for signs of sex addiction. The results of our tests are troubling to say the least. Dr. Tonton? Dr. Tonton: [expert 9, as it turns out. He heads to a chart] In fourth graders, five percent of male students were found to be sex addicts. By sixth grade the number goes up to thirty percent. At high schools, nearly ninety-one percent of male students answered, "What handkerchief?" Chairman: We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. Young people all over America are infected, and at extreme risk to themselves and to the people around them. [Kyle watches this on TV from his bed] They're leading lives of secret pain. Reporter 1: And so these infected boys will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex all the time with lots of different people? Chairman: It appears so. Reporter 1: The poor bastards! Reporter 2: But what about us normal healthy adults? Are we at risk of exposure? Chairman: We don't believe so. In adult males, for whatever reason, sex addiction only seems to be problematic amongst rich successful celebrities. [Randy watches this on TV from bed. Sharon is beside him reading a book instead] However, we are still collecting data, and all- Randy: Why would wealth and success cause a man to go out and have sex with everyone he could? Chairman: -answers which we all desire. [next scene is the McCormick living room] Whatever is causing this outbreak, we guarantee we will find it! [Mrs. McCormick comes out with a pizza] Mrs. McCormick: Kenny, it's time for dinner! [goes upstairs to Kenny's room and looks inside] Kenny? [turns around and gasps. Kenny had hanged himself from his closet door with a belt while dressed in a Batman suit and masturbating to a magazine. His left hand is tucked inside the tights, around the genitals] AAAA! Scene Description: Kenny's funeral, day. Priest: Sunset and Evening Star, and one clear call for me, and may their be no moaning of the bar when I put out to sea. Kyle: Oh God, it's true. Priest: But such a tide as moving seems asleep, too full for sound and foam, when that which drew from out the boundless deep t- Butters: There! It was like that! It looked just like that! [stands on his chair and points to a bush, then walks over to it] Just like this, buh, but smaller, and right in the place where her underwear should've been. If I trim it down, it'll look right.. Kyle: [reaching him] Butters! Butters, stop it! Butters: [fights Kyle off] But this is what I keep seeing in my head! Kyle: [pulls him away from the bush] Butters, we are sick! Don't you get it?! We're gonna end up just like Kenny! Butters: [fights Kyle off again] No, uh, if I can just see it again, I, I'll be fine. Kyle: No! Butters, stop! [slaps him] Butters: Haah! Leave me alone! [reaches for the bush again] Kyle: Stop it! Stop! [pulls him back and flings him to the ground. They fight for a few seconds, then break down and cry out] Oh God! Oh God, help us! Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger is about to tee off. Commentator: Tiger... lines up his drive. He'll be hoping for a birdie here. Concentration is key. Elin: [runs into the scene from screen right with her own golf club] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [starts hitting him with it] Tiger: Aaagh! Goddamnit, stop it! [blocks her club with his, as in a sword fight, and now they trade blows] Elin: How many women did you fuck-a?! How many?! Stan: Aw dude, I clocked you! Cartman: I told you this game was sweet, dude. Stan: Hang on, hang on, I'm switching to a 7-iron. [Elin gets a new club and her swings get faster] Cartman: Oh! O-oh! Oh man, I lost another endorsement! How'd you do that? Stan: Hit A and X together. Announcer: Round 2. Fight!! [Tiger and Elin face off again and start swinging] Cartman: Oh, you're going down, Elin! Stan: I don't think so dude, I got the pre-nup power-up. Announcer: Pre-nup power-up. [a pre-nuptial agreement appears onscreen and then flies off. Elin swings and Tiger a few more times and he's on the grass on his back] Cartman: Oh no! [Elin continues beating up Tiger] Pre-nup? Weak. When'd you get that power-up? Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. "A New Tomorrow, Yesterday." Therapist: All right, sex addicts. What other destructive behaviors that we engaged in that led to our ultimate downfall? [on the dry-erase board are three examples: "Sex Shop Visits, Sex With Hookers, Going To Strip Clubs"] Anyone have another example? Let's see, how about... David! David Letterman: Haha, Oh, ahh, having sex with employees. Therapist: [writing on the board] "Sex with employees." Definitely a danger there. What else? Uh, Mr. Clinton. Bill Clinton: Putting cigars in girls' vaginas? Therapist: Very good, Billy. [writing on the board] "cigars in vaginas." Not the best idea there. Charlie Sheen: Watching Internet porn all day every day? Therapist: Spot on, Charlie Sheen! Excessive [writing on the board] "Internet porn." Now, the reason we are making this list is that we have new members today. I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers. The men all turn to look at the boys, who are seated in the last row. Kyle: Hello? The men: Hey Kyle, hi Kyle. Therapist: And would you care to share your stories with us, boys? Kyle: Well, I just found out I'm a sex addict. I'm so scared, I haven't even told my mom yet. Bill Clinton: Does your mom have big tits? Therapist: Billy! Bill Clinton: [sheepishly] Sorry... Butters: Me, I just... Well I just can't stop thinking about bush. Ben Roethlisberger: I heard that. Butters: I mean it's like, what is it? What does it mean? Why would there be a bush right there? Is it a live bush? Are there berries? Therapist: Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off! David Duchovny: [stops] Aw, gee whiz! Scene Description: CDC labs, day. Expert 4: To better understand the sex addiction outbreak, we've been running tests on chimpanzees. [an enclosure full of chimps is shown] You can see that this entire community of specimens are getting along normally, some pairing off, others on their own, but now see this chimp here. [a chimp is shown sitting peacefully scratching himself here and there] An average adult normal male blending in seamlessly with the others. Now watch. We're going to give it a lot of money. [presses a button and speaks into a mic] Go ahead. [two researchers walk into the enclosure and dump lots of dollar bills on the peaceful chimp and walk out. The chimp looks at the money and starts getting excited. He stands up and grins widely, then walks around with dollars bills in his hands. He walks up to a chimp with a baby chimp in her hands and bangs her from behind. She lets the baby go. The male chimp moves on to the next female and bangs her face to face, then he moves to the third female and bangs her from behind. ] Chairman: My God... Expert 4: Yes... [the chimp goes on to bang two other females and an angry chimp is heard in the background. She comes out in curlers, robe, and slippers, and wields a rolling pin. She approaches the male chimp and beats him up with the rolling pin, then walks away as he writhes on the ground. The other chimps hoot and holler, and one of them throws feces at him] The subject is now isolated and shunned. Chairman: Incredible. And, and what's it doing now? Expert 4: Making a public apology on its talk show. [and so it is] Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. Therapist: Alrighty. Now, we all know the destructive behaviors that got us into this predicament, don't we? What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? [Tiger raises his hand] Yes, Tiger? Tiger Woods: Avoid drugs? And alcohol? The other men: Auugh! Therapist: No, no, Tiger, you still aren't getting it. [Kyle has a memo pad and pen, Butters is trimming a small bonsai tree] In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... anyone? Avoid getting... anyone? Michael Douglas: Caught. Therapist: Yes, Michael Douglas! Everyone! The Men: Getting caught. Therapist: Very good! You are all here in therapy [draws a big circle around the destructive behaviors and writes "CAUGHT" over them] because you got caught! So how do we avoid getting caught? Ben Rothlisberger? Ben Rothlisberger: Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms? David Letterman: When they uh ask you for money, pay them. Therapist: Good, yes! Kyle: Whoa, hang on! We shouldn't be learning how not to get caught. We have to take responsibility for our actions. [Butters stops trimming the tree, the men all look at Kyle] Bill Clinton: [breaks the silence] What the fuck are you talkin' about? Kyle: Well, ah I mean, we have to accept that we have a problem, and put the blame completely on ourselves. I mean, maybe this isn't really even a disease. [the therapist turns around and walks away from the group, then places a call] Therapist: Yeah, it's me. We've got a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl. Scene Description: The White House, Oval Office, day. The chairman of the CDC and a researcher are talking to President Obama Chairman: Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. The monkeys who were given cash always acted out their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. It appears that money has a direct effect on the virus's ability to develop. Obama: So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success. Chairman: No good, Mr. President. Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money and become successful in order to feed their addiction. Obama: You mean boys will start working towards being rich and successful just so they can one day have sex with lots of women?? Chairman: Yes. That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues! We tried to find something in the hundred dollar bill that could explain why this is happening now. Then we looked at the backside, and found this. [points to the picture of Independence Hall on the back of the bill] Independence Hall. Obama: The birthplace of our country. Chairman: We believe something is happening in Independence Hall that gives money its power over men. Obama: Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. This is highly classified, but... in 1947 a flying saucer was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Two deceased alien bodies were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. They carried... a virus with them. A virus that only barely stopped from spreading all over the country. Chairman: And you think that these aliens... could be back with a new virus? One originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men to have sex with lots of women?! Obama: [seriously] It's the only explanation that makes any sense. [glances at Michelle, who doesn't react, then looks at the chairman again] Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I WAS UNFAITHFUL, HAD AFFAIRS, AND I CHEATED." Tiger: I want to say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. I know that I have severely disappointed all of you. Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving Night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has shown nothing but grace and poise- Elin: [off-stage] You motherfucker! Tiger: Oh no! Elin: I should have never married [jumps out from behind the curtain and whacks him with a golf club] youuu! [continues whacking him] Tiger: Agh! Stop it! Elin: A porn star?! You screwed a porn star?! [the camera pulls back to reveal the video game the boys were playing earlier] Cartman: Dude, you found another girl's phone number on my cell phone?? Stan: Yeah, back in that water level. [looks over at the front door, then back at the game] Is Kyle still at sex-addiction therapy? That must be really intense. Scene Description: A military helicopter in the night sky. Kyle and Butters are with the other addicts Kyle: Okay so, what exactly are we doing now? Therapist: [sighs heavily] We are on our way to help take of your diseases once and for all! Butters: Oh good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore. Therapist: Don't worry, as soon as it's dead everything will make sense. Kyle: ...As soon as what's dead? [the men groan] Therapist: The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out at Independence Hall! Scene Description: Independence Hall, night. Police, SWAT, and firefighters swarm the grounds and police barricades are put up. The front doors blow off their hinges and the SWAT team moves in. SWAT Officer 1: Entrance is clear, Mr. President. [Obama leads the chairman and other CDD officials into the front room of the building] Chairman: Mr. President, you aren't safe here. Let us handle this. SWAT Officer 2: Right side clear! Expert 4: We must be careful. The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility. Obama: [softly] Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard. Expert 10: Yes! It explains everything! A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species, causing all the men to become sex addicts. Obama: Enough! We need to find the wizard alien and break his spell. SWAT Officer 2: [chuckles] Okay okay alright alright, hang, hang on guys. I mean, come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. Wizard aliens? We all know what's going on here, don't we? Whenever a story breaks about some rich famous guy going around and having sex with tons of girls, we all wanna act like we don't understand it, but we do. We're guys, you know? Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male and get all the women we can. [walks into an open area in the room] I mean, look where we are. Even, even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved. Because he could. We don't have to condone what these rich, famous people do, but... we can at least admit that, given the same temptations and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, a lot of us guys might do somethin' similar. [Obama thinks this over...] Obama: [speaks into a mic strapped to his wrist] We have a turd in the punch bowl. Secret Service Agent: Turd in the punch bowl. [the other SWAT members close in on him] SWAT Officer 2: Hey, what are you doin- No. No, come on. [and take him away] Where are you takin' me? Scene Description: News 4 news break. A reporter and camera are outside Independence Hall News 4 Reporter: Ten city blocks have been shut down because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here in Independence Hall. By all accounts, the alien is also a wizard, who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak of sex addiction in our country. [everyone in the Hall is moving around cautiously, with flashlights on.] SWAT Officer 3: [voice only] Mr. President, here they are. [all flashlights point towards the source of the voice. The SWAT officers make way for the therapist, Kyle, and Butters] Therapist: This is the boy I told you about. And his friend, Bummers. Chairman: Son, we were told that you think sex addiction can be controlled. That it just takes restraint. Is that true? Kyle: I just think I'd rather... control it instead of blame it on anything. Chairman: A-mazing. Then the wizard alien spell might not have any power over him! He could draw the bastard out! Obama: Quick, give that boy a gun! [a SWAT officer gives him a rifle] Kyle: What? SWAT Officer 3: You'd better take one too. [gives Butters a rifle] Obama: Alright, everyone to the stairwell. The bastard's gotta be upstairs. [moves towards the stairs as well] Kyle: What bastard? Obama: [looks back at Kyle] The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got tuh- [a muffled voice is heard] Chairman: [on the stairs] The hell was that? SWAT Officer 4: I got a baaad feelin' about this. [behind Kyle and Butters, a door opens and the kidnapped SWAT officer stumbles out with his hands tied in front of him and holding a wand, wearing a huge green mascot head of an alien with ogre ears, a white beard, and a wizard's hat.] Dr. Tonton: Oh my God there it is! Chairman: It's the alien wizard! It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! [a strobe light flickers on and off, blinding the bound SWAT officer, who stumbles around trying to free himself] Obama: Shoot it boys! Expert 6: You have to shoot it! [Kyle fires a shot] Chairman: Shoot it again, it's still alive! [Butters fires a shot] SWAT Officer 5: You gotta reload! [the boys reload slowly] Expert 4: Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! [Kyle fires a shot] Obama: Keep shooting it! Expert 11: Shoot him in his blabber mouth! [Kyle fires again, then Butters fires a shot, and the SWAT officer falls to the floor dead. The strobe light keeps flashing just in case] Chairman: My God, they've done it! Scene Description: Outside Independence Hall. The sex addicts dance around and moan gleefully Bill Clinton: Look! The sex addiction! It's leavin' my body! David Letterman: I can feel it! I'm free! Another addict: We are healed! Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama addresses the nation from the South Lawn. "Sexual Healing" plays in the background Obama: We watched... as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. It devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one. The wizard alien... is dead. Sex addiction is no more. And if a rich celebrity is caught again trying to screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. [the crowd on the lawn jumps up and cheers] Randy: [watching this on TV in the bedroom] Oh I'm so glad it's over, Sharon. Aren't you? [Sharon isn't paying any attention, preferring to read a book] News 4 Reporter: We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness? Kyle: [unsure] I guess it... feels great. Thanks. [Butters looks pissed off] Butters: Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! [swats the reporter's hand away and walks towards the camera] I finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know what's under that bush? Nothin' but a pair of sick Joker lips. Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I AM RETURNING TO GOLF IN 3 WEEKS." Tiger: I am so happy that I am cured, and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone but my beautiful wife. Now I can be faithful. And my wife won't feel any need to get revenge by sleeping with a bunch of guys. [she glances at him, he glances at her, she glances back at him] So I officially announce my return to golf. Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger tees off and the audience claps approvingly. The ball reaches 350 yards. Nothing more exciting happens Cartman: What the hell?! This game's all boring now! Stan: Yeah, where's all the fighting? Cartman: Dude, screw this! [gets off the sofa and throws his controller to the floor, then walks away] Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around?! Stan: Yeah, golf is stupid again. [gets off the sofa and tosses his controller onto the sofa, then follows Cartman out]
Joey Tribbiani: Morning! Rachel Green: Hi! Oh, how was your date last night? Joey Tribbiani: Pretty good. Rachel Green: Oh good. Ahhh! My God, sorry! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, really good. Anyway I gotta go; I'm late for work. Rachel Green: What-what?! You're gonna leave this person with me?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah-Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that I'm not looking for a serious relationship; that'd be great. Rachel Green: Why?! What?! Are you kidding?! Joey Tribbiani: Just casually slip it in, y'know lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, I'm a loner-No! An outlaw! Tell her she doesn't want to get mixed up with the likes of me. Rachel Green: Y'know what? That's a lot to remember, can't I just tell her you're a pig? Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm gonna call her later! Honest! Oh come on, Chandler used to do it! He'd even make the girl pancakes! Plus, he'd make extras and leave 'em for me. Rachel Green: Well forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything. That is not my responsibility. Joey Tribbiani: Fine! Now, where'd we land on those pancakes? Joey's Date: Hi! Rachel Green: Hi. Joey's Date: Sorry about that, but I couldn't get that lock to work on the door. Rachel Green: Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it when I moved in. Joey's Date: You must be Rachel, I'm Erin. Rachel Green: Hi. Erin: Hi. I don't mean this to sound like high school, but did he say anything about me? Rachel Green: Would you like some pancakes? Chandler Bing: ...Come on! Why are we here?! Ross Geller: Okay, okay take a guess. Chandler Bing: The hot chicks? Ross Geller: Okay, okay, I was typing names into the library computer earlier, y'know-y'know for fun, and I typed mine in and guess what came up? My doctoral dissertation! It's here! Yeah, it's right-it's right down here! In the biggest library in the university! Chandler Bing: Wow that's actually pretty cool. Ross Geller: Oh umm, there's also a book here by a woman named Wendy Bagina. What is that? Chandler Bing: Sounds like two people are really enjoying the Dewey decimal system. Female Student: I'm so sorry! Male Student: Sorry! Chandler Bing: You didn't bring me here to do that, did you? Monica Geller: She sent the chicken back again?! The Waitress: She says it's to dry now and she wants to come back here and explain to you exactly how she wants it. Monica Geller: Well fine! I want to meet this chicken expert! Send the Colonel in! The Colonel: OH...MY...GAWD!!!! Monica Geller: Lucky bastard! Janice. Janice Litman Goralnik: How are you Ms. Hot Shot chef with the big fancy restaurant with the best chicken ever! Monica Geller: I'm fine. Janice Litman Goralnik: Ohh! What is that on your finger?! I'm blind! Monica Geller: Oh... Uh... Janice Litman Goralnik: So, who's the lucky guy? Chandler Bing: OH...MY...GAWD! I am so sorry sweetie, are you okay? You didn't tell her we were getting married, did you? Monica Geller: Well, she saw the ring. Chandler Bing: Did she freak out? Monica Geller: Well, she was shocked when I told her, but then again so were most people. Chandler Bing: Right. Monica Geller: Well, she actually has a boyfriend y'know herself, named Clark. Uh, she also kinda invited herself to our wedding. Clark too. Chandler Bing: You said no right? Monica Geller: Huh? Chandler Bing: You said no right?! Monica Geller: Well, she corned me! She asked if the wedding was in town! I mean, what was I supposed to do?! Chandler Bing: Lie!!! How hard is that?! The check's in the mail! Oh your baby is so cute! I can't wait to read your book Ross!! Monica Geller: Come on! So she comes to the wedding! I mean it won't be so bad. Chandler Bing: What do you think she's just gonna sit there quietly? You don't think she's gonna want to make a toast? You don't think she's gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?! Monica Geller: Oh my God, she's not gonna like the chicken that night either is she?! Chandler Bing: Y'know what? It's gonna be okay. Y'know what? She's probably not gonna even want to come. Monica Geller: Really? Chandler Bing: No! That was a lie! See how easy that was? Monica Geller: So-so you would've just lied? Chandler Bing: Yes!! Monica Geller: Would it really have been that easy? Chandler Bing: Yes!!! Monica Geller: Good, so do it Saturday night because we're going to dinner with her and Clark. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! What's up? Joey Tribbiani: Hey-hey, who's your friend? Hey!! Erin: Hey Joey! Joey Tribbiani: Erin! Still here! Rachel Green: Yeah, we ended up spending the day together and had such a great time! Joey Tribbiani: Why wouldn't ya? Erin is great! Then-then there's you guys. Erin: Ohh, listen. I've got to get going. Today was great, thanks! Rachel Green: I know! Phoebe Buffay: Okay! Erin: Bye Joey. Last night was fun. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. I'll uh, I'll call ya. Rachel Green: Oh and I'll call ya too! Erin: Or I'll call you! Phoebe Buffay: And call me! Joey Tribbiani: Okay, good to see you again. Erin: Bye. Joey Tribbiani: Bye-bye. Rachel Green: Bye! Joey Tribbiani: So, system kinda broke down huh?! Rachel Green: Oh Joey, I'm sorry I just couldn't tell her all those things you wanted me to tell her. And y'know we got to talking and I... Phoebe Buffay: We want you to marry her! Joey Tribbiani: What?!! Phoebe Buffay: She is so amazing! You have no idea. Joey Tribbiani: No idea? Who do you think brought her here? Rachel Green: Cupid. Phoebe Buffay: Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages. Joey Tribbiani: Man, do you know what guys want! Rachel Green: Look Joey, come on she's so perfect for you! I mean she's sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch. Joey Tribbiani: My beers?! Look you guys, she's a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I just-I don't see it going anywhere. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, but you always say that. Rachel Green: Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance it would go somewhere. Joey Tribbiani: Look I'm sorry you guys, I-I just don't think so. Phoebe Buffay: Whatever. Rachel Green: Fine. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, don't start judging me! Huh? You're the one who's in love with her assistant! Huh? And you, you're the one having the affair with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof! Rachel Green: Phoebe! Phoebe Buffay: Secret affair! Ross Geller: People are doing it in front of my book! Rachel Green: I'm sorry? Ross Geller: My doctoral dissertation is in the library at school, I went to see it, and there were students makin' babies right in the middle of the Paleontology section! Rachel Green: Oh my God! Did you get to see anything good? Ross Geller: Let me ask you something, at your school was there a like uh a place on campus where students went to uh, fool around. Rachel Green: Yeah, there was. It was-there the corner of the library where-where all these dusty books that nobody ever read-Yes, there was. Ross Geller: Great! Because people kept showing up, I think it's like uh-a thing! Joey Tribbiani: Now hold on a second, fifth floor against that back wall? Ross Geller: Oh for cryin' out loud! Joey Tribbiani: All right, so we should go catch our movie. Rachel Green: Well now what's the rush? Joey Tribbiani: I like to see the previews. The candy. Phoebe Buffay: Oh. Hey! Rachel Green: Well look who's here! Erin: Hey! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Erin: Joey. Joey Tribbiani: Erin. Erin: Hey Rachel. Rachel Green: Hi! Well, we were just about to take off and see a movie. Oh no! Erin: What's wrong? Rachel Green: Oh Phoebe, we forgot that party we have to go to. Phoebe Buffay: Oh no. Joey Tribbiani: What party? Joey Tribbiani: Who's birthday party? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, and how is Allison? Rachel Green: Wait a minute! Why don't you guys do something?! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, look how that worked out. Ross Geller: Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here. Do you know the Paleontology section, fifth floor, stack 437? The Librarian: Well, yes! Just give me five minutes, I just have to find someone to cover my shift. Ross Geller: No! No!! No! Can I speak to someone in charge please?! The Head Librarian: How can I help you? Ross Geller: Hi, I was wondering if it is possible to increase security in the Paleontology section? See I-I wrote a book up there and instead of reading it people are-are-are well, rolling around in front of it. The Head Librarian: We are aware of the problem you are referring too. But as far as increasing security, I'm afraid the library is very understaffed. I, I can't help you. Ross Geller: Well, fine. Fine! If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, I'll go up there and defend it myself! And don't you follow me! Joey Tribbiani: Hey. Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: How did it go with Erin? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, unbelievable! We had the best time! Phoebe Buffay: Yay!! Oh so, you're not, you're not mad at us anymore? Joey Tribbiani: No! No! No! You guys were totally right! This is so much better than the first time we went out. Y'know? That was so awkward, we were really nervous. Phoebe Buffay: Didn't you sleep together? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah that really calms me down. And! We have so much in common! She loves sandwiches, sports, although she is a Met fan, not much of an issue now but if were ever to have kids, well that's a... Rachel Green: Oh my God! Listen to you talkin' about having kids. Oh my Joey. Oh, please don't get married before I do. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh. Oh I just cannot believe Clark stood me up! Monica Geller: He might still show up. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh, what are you, stupid? It's been three hours. Monica Geller: Is that all? Janice Litman Goralnik: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why don't you tell about your lovely wedding? Chandler Bing: Well actually uh, there was something we wanted to tell you about the wedding. Um, it's going to be a small ceremony. Uh, tiny! We're not even sure why we're having it. Monica Geller: It's actually going to be just family. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh...wait...you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red? Joey Tribbiani: How can you say that?! The Mets have no closer! Erin: What about Benitez? Joey Tribbiani: What about Game 1 of the Series? Erin: What about shut up? Joey Tribbiani: You shut up! I love arguing with her. I'll be right back. Erin: Okay. Rachel Green: So how's it goin' with Joey? Erin: Uh, okay. Rachel Green: Okay? Wait okay, tell-tell me that you like him, please? I mean tell me that you like him. Erin: Look, he's a really great guy and I know that you really want this to work out, but I just don't see this having a future. Rachel Green: But you said that you liked him! I mean what happened?! Did ya just change your mind?! Erin: Kinda. Phoebe Buffay: Then change it back! Erin: I'm sorry I... It's just there's no real spark. Phoebe Buffay: No spark? Didn't you sleep together? Erin: Yeah. Rachel Green: Ugh, tramp! Phoebe Buffay: Does Joey have any idea? Erin: I really don't think he does. And y'know what? Maybe you guys could help clue him in. Y'know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested in a serious relationship or something. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, you mean like that you're kind of a loner. Erin: Yeah! That would be great! Phoebe Buffay: Yeah, and maybe that you're a real Erin: I'm sorry? Phoebe Buffay: Oh well, I guess Italian isn't one of the four languages you speak. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! You wanna go? Erin: Yeah, let's go. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. See you guys later. Erin: Bye guys. Rachel Green: Yeah, see ya. Joey Tribbiani: Hey, thank you so much. Rachel Green: Wow. Well, I guess it was Cupid who brought her here. Phoebe Buffay: No, just a regular old flying dwarf. Ross Geller: Yes? Yes?! How can I help you? Guy: Yeah, we were...we were just looking around. Ross Geller: Oh-oh, you're-you're fellow scholars. What exactly were you looking for, hmm? Perhaps, perhaps Dr. Chester Stock's musings on the Smiledon Californicus? Guy: Uhh... Ross Geller: Ah... Ah...Get out of here! Uh, meeting someone? Or-or are you just here to brush up on Marion's views on evolution? Woman: Uh, actually I find Marion's views far to progressionist. Ross Geller: I find Marion's views far to progressionist. Woman: I'm sorry, who are you? Ross Geller: I'm a professor here uh, Ross...Geller. Woman: Ross Geller, why do I know that name? It's uh-Wait! Did you write this? Ross Geller: Yes! You're the person who checked out my book?! Woman: Y'know, you look nothing like I would've thought. You're...you're so young. Ross Geller: Well I uh, I skipped forth grade. Ross Geller: I am very...very sorry. Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Rachel Green: Hi! Phoebe Buffay: So how was, how was your date? Joey Tribbiani: Oh, it was great! I mean we walked all around the village. We went to this ice cream place, split a milkshake, 70/30 but still... And guess what, I'm thinking about taking her upstate to one of those bed and breakfasts. Phoebe Buffay: Oh really? She said she wants to go away with you? Joey Tribbiani: No-no-no-no-no! It's a surprise, but it's gonna be tricky thought because she said she was gonna be pretty busy at work for a while. Rachel Green: Jo-Joey, look honey we-we need to talk okay? Umm, I kinda got the feeling from her today that uh, she's not lookin' for a serious relationship. Joey Tribbiani: Where are you gettin' this? Rachel Green: Well, she told me. She said she's kinda a loner. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Oh. Rachel Green: Joey... Joey Tribbiani: No hey Rach, it's cool okay? Y'know I'm a loner too! Right? Phoebe Buffay: Hey Joey, y'know what? You are way to good for her. Rachel Green: Yeah and honey I promise next time that I will just say good-bye and tell 'em you're not looking for a relationship. Joey Tribbiani: No! No. Don't do that, just next time make sure she really likes me. Rachel Green: Well that too. Joey? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah? Rachel Green: Do you want some pancakes? Joey Tribbiani: Finally! Monica Geller: What are we gonna do? Chandler Bing: I say we go with Careless Whisper. Janice Litman Goralnik: Chandler? Chandler Bing: Did she see us yet? Did she see us? Monica Geller: Janice, what umm, what are you doing here? Janice Litman Goralnik: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldn't really be alone tonight. I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family. Monica Geller: Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice aren't they? Janice Litman Goralnik: Please, it's because otherwise I really don't know what I might do. Chandler Bing: Aren't you just a tinsy bit curious? Janice Litman Goralnik: Do you have any tissues? Monica Geller: Yeah, in-in-in the bathroom. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay! Monica Geller: We'll just...we'll just let her stay. Chandler Bing: No-no-no-no, if we let her stay, she will stay forever! Monica Geller: Kinda like your Barca lounger. Chandler Bing: Is that what you're thinking about right now? Monica Geller: I never stop thinking about it. Janice Litman Goralnik: Hey you guys, umm do either one of you want to get in there before I take my bath. Chandler Bing: Janice, I'm sorry but umm, you can't stay here tonight. Janice Litman Goralnik: Why not? Chandler Bing: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not. Janice Litman Goralnik: Okay, I'm going to need a comforter, but did you have a hypoallergenic one because otherwise I get very nasal. Do you have a cat? 'Cause it's already happening. Do you hear that? Monica Geller: Oh my God! Oh my God! You have to go! Janice Litman Goralnik: Why? Monica Geller: Because Chandler still has feelings for you! Janice Litman Goralnik: He does? Chandler Bing: Say again? Monica Geller: That's right. That's right. And that is why you can't stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldn't come to the wedding. Chandler Bing: Feelings, such strong feelings. Monica Geller: I mean, I realize that his feelings may never completely go away, but you can. Janice Litman Goralnik: Oh...my Gawd, I-I understand. I-I am so sorry, I'll go. Good-bye Monica , I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him. Chandler, you call me when this goes in the pooper. Ross Geller: Don't sweat it, I've got this section covered. Yeah, in fact I've got this little baby to shine in people's eye-Okay, see you later. Chandler Bing: I just wanted to show Monica your book.
Scene: Personal log, stardate 47329.4. I finally realize why I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights. Yesterday was the fourth anniversary of the massacre at Wolf three five nine. The fourth anniversary of Jennifer's death. Sisko: I'm not sure what bothers me more. The date itself, or the fact that it almost passed unnoticed. Jake: Dad what are you doing up? Sisko: I was about to ask you the same thing. Jake: I had a weird dream. Sisko: Get some hot chocolate and tell me about it. Jake: Nah, it's nothing. Sisko: Come on. Tell me about this weird dream. Jake: It's stupid. Sisko: Maybe so, but the thing about dreams is, if you talk about them, they kind of go away faster. Jake: Okay, but don't laugh. Sisko: I promise. Jake: I don't know. I was on the station somewhere. I'm not sure where. And I was trying to get back here but I couldn't find my way. Every time I saw a familiar corridor, it kind of led into some other direction. See, I told you it was stupid. Sisko: You got me interested. Jake: Well then, I guess I got a little scared and started looking for you, but I couldn't find you. Somehow I ended up in Ops but you weren't in your office. And then it was like the floor started sloping and I couldn't keep my balance and all I wanted to do was find you. Sisko: And here I am. Jake: Dad, I love you. Sisko: I love you too. Jake: I have a calculus test in the morning. Sisko: Then you'd better get some sleep. Jake: Yeah. Dad? I miss her. Sisko: Me too. Fenna: Beautiful, aren't they? I don't think I've seen the stars shine so brightly. Sisko: The Bajorans call that constellation the Runners. I can never figure out if they're running toward something or away from something. Fenna: Does that matter? Sometimes it just feels good to run. Sisko: I never thought about it that way. I'm Benjamin Sisko, Commander of this station. Fenna: I'm Fenna. I'm sorry. You must be very busy. I didn't mean to bother you. Sisko: You're not bothering me at all. Fenna: Good. Fenna: Commander of the station. That must be very exciting. All those ships coming and going. Every day must bring something new. Sisko: It has its moments. In some ways, though, I prefer this time the best, when everything's quiet and Fenna: And you can feel a kind of anticipation in the air like something wonderful's going to happen but you don't know what it is. I guess that sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? Sisko: Not at all. That's one of the great things about this station. You never know what's going to happen next, or who you're going to meet. Fenna: I like it here. I wish I could stay longer. Sisko: Where are you going? Fenna: I'm not really sure. I guess I'll just keep going, like the Runners. Sisko: I tell you what. Before you run any farther, why don't I show you around the station? If you have the time. Sisko: Fenna? Sisko: Good morning, Chief. O'Brien: Morning, Commander. Sisko: Is this maintenance or repair? O'Brien: Right now it's maintenance, but five'll get you ten it'll be a repair by the time I'm through. Sisko: Admit it, Chief. If you were on a station where everything worked, you'd be miserable. O'Brien: You may be right, sir. But I'd be willing to give it a try. Sisko: Good morning, Major. Computer, one chiraltan tea, with a double twist of lemon. Something wrong? Kira: No, nothing. Sisko: If something's bothering you, Major, I want to hear it. Kira: It's just that every morning for the last year, I've seen you walk in here and start your day with a raktajino. Sisko: I love raktajino. Kira: I know. You never even talk to anyone until you've had your first cup. Sisko: I'm not awake until I've had my first cup. Kira: So how come you're drinking chiraltan tea? Sisko: I, er, I just felt like having something different. That is all right with you, isn't it, Major? Kira: Of course. You can drink whatever you like. Sisko: Thank you, Major. I appreciate your support. Dax: Dax to Sisko. Sisko: Go ahead, Lieutenant. Dax: Professor Seyetik and I are in the science lab, if you'd like to meet him. Sisko: On my way. Sisko: Lieutenant, where's our guest? Dax: Inside the flux generator. Sisko: What? What's he doing in there? He could be killed. Dax: Well, that's what I tried to tell him. Sisko: And he went in anyway. Dax: Benjamin, have you ever met a terraformer? Sisko: No. What's that got to do with it? Dax: You can't tell a terraformer anything. It's an amazing talent bringing dead worlds to life, but humility and common sense aren't part of the job description. Sisko: Oh. Seyetik: There you go, Lieutenant. That should increase your generator output by at least five percent. You must be Commander Sisko. Gideon Seyetik. Great pleasure to meet you, sir. Sisko: Professor. I'm a great admirer of your work. Seyetik: Good. A man of intelligence and taste. I can see we're going to get along famously. Sisko: My son and I visited Blue Horizon on the way to Deep Space Nine. I must say I was impressed. Seyetik: Of course you were. I created the place and even I'm impressed. How did you like Da Vinci Falls? Sisko: We didn't get to see them. We were only on the surface for a few hours. Seyetik: Oh, Commander, you missed Blue Horizon's crowning glory. Imagine water cascading off cliffs the height of Mount Everest, thundering through continuous rainbows, straight into an ocean the color of sapphire wine. I'm going to have to take you there one day. By God, I wouldn't mind seeing it again myself. Sisko: I may take you up on that. Seyetik: Good, good. But first, Epsilon one nineteen. Sisko: Yes, I understand the initial surveys look promising. Seyetik: Promising? They look magnificent. Imagine, reigniting a dead sun. Bringing new life to an entire solar system. Next to that, terraforming planets will seem like child's play. Dax: Let's hope it works. Right now, it's a promising theory. Seyetik: Of course it'll work. I never fail. Well, I did once, but I found it didn't agree with me. So I swore never to do it again and I never break my word. You should be glad you're coming with me, Lieutenant. This'll be my crowning achievement. Giving birth to a star. Even I will have a hard time topping that one. Dax: Benjamin, you're not going to let that last piece of Andorian tuber root go to waste, are you? Sisko: Why do you ask? Dax: Because it's delicious. May I? Sisko: Be my guest. Dax: I'm going to need the extra calories to keep up with Seyetik. The man works almost as much as he talks. Benjamin? Sisko: What? Dax: Are you looking for someone? Sisko: I'm sorry, what were you saying? Dax: Nothing important. I have to meet with Chief O'Brien. We're boosting the maximum speed of Seyetik's ship to warp nine point five. If his experiment fails and that sun goes supernova, we're going to need to get out of there fast. Sisko: I'll see you in Ops. Fenna: Benjamin, I was hoping I'd see you again. Sisko: I was just thinking about you. Fenna: Were you really? I've been thinking about you, too. Sisko: Where did you disappear to last night? Fenna: I had to go. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush away like that. Does your invitation still stand? To show me around the station? Sisko: What would you like to see? Fenna: Everything. Sisko: Everything? That's going to take some time. Fenna: I don't mind, if you don't. Sisko: What do you think? Fenna: It's wonderful. Sisko: I'm glad you like it. Fenna: You must come here all the time. Sisko: Not really. But when I do, a ship is usually blocking the view. Fenna: We should have brought a picnic basket. Sisko: Here? Fenna: What better place? Sisko: Well, I guess there is tomorrow. Fenna: Is that an invitation? Sisko: Sounded like one to me. Fenna: Then I accept. Sisko: Good. There's plenty left to see. In fact, I doubt that we can see it all in one evening. Fenna: Then you can show me the rest after our picnic tomorrow. Sisko: Do you always do that? Fenna: Do what? Sisko: Say exactly the right thing. Fenna: No one's ever told me that before. Sisko: There you go again. So, tell me all about yourself. Fenna: There's not much to tell. Sisko: Whatever there is, I want to hear it. Fenna: I can't. Sisko: Can't what? Fenna: I can't tell you. Sisko: Why not? Fenna: I'm sorry, Benjamin, but I have to go. Sisko: Fenna, wait. Jake: So then Tiet looked down at Altrina's lunch and said, Klingon food? Those are worms. And Altrina vomited all over the table. It was pretty disgusting. Sisko: That's nice, Jake. Jake: Nice? She threw up. Sisko: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I was thinking about something else. Jake: Dad, are you in love? Sisko: What? Jake: You know, with a woman. You're showing all three of the signs. Sisko: Signs? Jake: The ones that Nog told me about. Loss of appetite, daydreaming, smiling all the time. Sisko: You've been talking to Nog about women again? Jake: Look, I just want you to know that if you're in love, it's all right with me. Sisko: Thanks, Jake. Jake: What's she like? Sisko: She's really interesting. Jake: Interesting, huh? So when do I get to meet her? Sisko: I think it might be a little early to do that. Jake: Why? She likes you too, doesn't she? Sisko: I think so. Jake: So then what's the problem? Sisko: Well, er, it's just that, er, she keeps disappearing. Odo: Above all, stay alert. If the subspace transmission I received is correct and Villus Thed is en route to the station, I want to be notified the moment he arrives. Keep him under constant surveillance, but remember, he's a short-range telepath, so stay at least five meters away from him at all times. That's all. Deputy: Yes, sir. Odo: Commander, what can I do for you? Sisko: I need to ask a favor, Constable, of a personal nature. Odo: Go on. Sisko: I'm looking for someone. A woman. Odo: Name? Sisko: Fenna. Odo: First name or last? Sisko: I don't know. Odo: Species? Sisko: I don't know. Humanoid. Odo: What ship did she arrive on? Sisko: I don't know. Odo: Well, what can you tell me about her? Sisko: Let's see. I'd say she's about one point six meters tall. Brown skin, dark hair. And the last time I saw her, she was wearing, she was wearing red. Odo: Well, that's something, anyway. Sisko: Do you think you can help me? Odo: I don't know. Sisko: I need to find her, Constable. I think she may be in some kind of trouble. Odo: What kind of trouble? Let me guess. You don't know. Well, it's not much to go on, but I'll do what I can. Sisko: I appreciate your help, Odo. Dax: Benjamin, do you have a minute? Sisko: In my office. Sisko: What's on your mind, Dax? Dax: I was hoping you had something to say to me. Sisko: I don't follow you. Dax: You really have no intention of telling me, do you? Sisko: Telling you what? Dax: Come on, Benjamin. I saw you with her last night on the Promenade. What's her name? Sisko: Fenna. But believe me, Dax, there is nothing to talk about. Dax: You used to tell Curzon everything. Sisko: Not everything. Dax: You know what I mean. It's because I'm a woman now, isn't it? Sisko: Don't be ridiculous. Dax: No, I understand. It's hard to talk man to man with a woman. Sisko: That has nothing to do with it. Dax: Then tell me what's going on. Sisko: I will. As soon as there is something to tell. Personal log, supplemental. Odo continues to search for new information about Fenna. In the meantime, Professor Seyetik has invited me and the senior staff to dinner on board the Prometheus. Seyetik: A great terraformer needs the green thumb of a gardener, the eye of a painter and the soul of a poet. And of course it doesn't hurt to be a raging egomaniac. Kira: Which makes you eminently qualified. Seyetik: Of course. Bashir: Terraforming is amazing enough, but I don't understand how you intend to re-ignite a dead sun. Seyetik: Basically I'll use a remote-piloted shuttlepod to deliver proto-matter into the dead star. This will cause a cascade effect which will transform the star's carbon and oxygen into elemental hydrogen. Then we just stand back and watch the fireworks. Dax: Of course, if it doesn't work it might be the last thing we ever see. Seyetik: Come now, Lieutenant. Nothing of worth was ever created by a pessimist. Sisko: I don't know about that. Van Gogh, Beckett, Y'Raka. I wouldn't exactly call them optimists. Seyetik: Precisely, and look at their work. Dark and dreary and dismal. Art should be an affirmation of life. For example, take my own work in the field. Bashir: I once saw an exhibit of your paintings at the Central Gallery on Ligobis Ten. They were certainly memorable. I don't think I've ever seen such huge canvasses. Seyetik: Doctor, nobody ever accused me of understatement. Dax: Certainly not anyone who's ever read your autobiography. Seyetik: Nine volumes and counting. You know, I always said I wanted to write as many books as I've had marriages. Which reminds me, wait till you taste the food my wife has created for you. None of that replicated nonsense you're used to. No, every dish was prepared entirely by Nidell's own sweet hands. Kira: I can't wait to meet her. Seyetik: And so you shall. She should be just about ready. I'll go and get her. Kira: Commander, you think he'd notice if we weren't here when he got back. Sisko: Don't even think about it, Major. I've had dinner with about two dozen Bajoran ministers. I think you owe me this one. Besides, Seyetik is one of the Federation's greatest minds. Kira: I know. He told me. Bashir: I for one find him remarkable entertaining. Seyetik: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my wife and my inspiration. Nidell. Dax: Now we have something to talk about. Bashir: I can't eat another bite. O'Brien: That was delicious. Do you think I could have the recipe? Nidell: You'll have to ask Gideon. It's his creation. Seyetik: Well, it took me years to perfect it. The secret, you see, is to sear the kalo roots slightly before layering them over the slices of roasted waroon. Sisko: She acts like she doesn't recognize me. Seyetik: The most important thing is the broth. One liter of clear Rumall stock. A tumbler and a half of Gremish, two clusters of Vulcan redspice. Dax: It is the same woman, isn't it? Sisko: She looks the same. Seyetik: Half a dozen humat pods, and a dash of ice salt. Then you reduce it in a Andorian boiler, cook it exactly five hundred degrees Kelvin and then just pepper to taste. Any questions? O'Brien: Maybe you should write that down. Seyetik: Of course. No trouble at all. Now, I think we should continue this conversation in the other room. We shall be more comfortable there. Nidell: Commander, can I help you with something? Sisko: I hope so. It would have been a lot easier if you'd told me you were married. Nidell: I don't understand. Sisko: Yesterday, on the Promenade. You had plenty of opportunity. Nidell: Commander, I don't know what you're talking about. I've never met you before tonight. Sisko: I suppose you never told me that your name was Fenna? Would you like to talk about this? Nidell: Commander, obviously you have mistaken me for someone else. Sisko: Seems that way, doesn't it? Sisko: I'm telling you Dax, it was the same woman. The face, the voice. It was Fenna. Dax: Maybe you ought to talk to her when her husband isn't around. Sisko: Dax, she's a married woman. Dax: That would have never stopped Curzon. Sisko: It's just that this was the first time since Jennifer's death that I felt drawn to someone. Odo: Commander, may I have a word with you? I thought you should know I've checked this week's docking and transporter logs, and there is no record of anyone matching the description you gave me. Sisko: Thanks, Odo, but you can call off your search. I've already found the woman I was looking for. Odo: Did you? And where was she, if you don't mind my asking? Sisko: Aboard the Prometheus. Odo: The Prometheus? Are you sure? Sisko: Yes, we just left there a few minutes ago. Odo: That's impossible. Sisko: What do you mean? Odo: I checked the de-embarkation logs as part of my search. With the exception of Professor Seyetik, no one has left the Prometheus during the entire time it's been at the station. Quark: Commander? Quark: I thought you could use this. Sisko: No thanks, I was just leaving. Quark: Stood you up, didn't she? When you've worked in a bar as long as I have, you get to recognize that look. I've even seen it in the mirror once or twice. Sisko: I'd better be getting home. Quark: If you'd like, we could go down to the bar and talk. You know, about women. Sisko: I don't think so. Quark: Don't forget, the holosuites are always open. Fenna: Benjamin! Fenna: I missed you. Is there something wrong? Sisko: I just had dinner with someone who looks exactly like you. Fenna: Like me? How strange? Sisko: Then you're telling me that your name isn't really Nidell and you're not the wife of Gideon Seyetik. Fenna: Of course not. I'm Fenna, you know that. Sisko: Right now, I'm not sure what I know. I don't suppose you have a twin sister, do you? Fenna: Not that I know of. Sisko: Fenna, I need to know where you came from, what you're doing on this station. Fenna: Does that matter? Sisko: Of course it matters. I need to know who you are. Fenna: You do know me, Benjamin. When I came here, I thought I was looking for a place, somewhere I belonged, but I was wrong. I wasn't looking for a place, I was looking for a person. I was looking for you. Fenna: Benjamin. O'Brien: All right, Lieutenant. I've got the warp drive on the Prometheus purring like a kitten. It'll do nine point six in a pinch but I wouldn't take it any faster. Dax: I thought the theoretical maximum for those engines was warp nine point five? O'Brien: It was. Seyetik: Must I remind you, Lieutenant, some of us only have one lifetime. Dax: I'll be right there. O'Brien: Good luck, Lieutenant. Commander. Dax: Come to see us off, Benjamin? Sisko: Not exactly. I'm going with you. After all, how often do you get to see a star reborn. Dax: Do you really think this is a good idea? Sisko: I need answers, Dax, and the key to Fenna's disappearance could be on that ship. Piersall: Have you finished loading the protomatter device into the shuttlepod? Dax: All set. The containment fields are holding fine, remote guidance systems are fully operational. Seyetik: I'm telling you, Commander, by the time I was through with New Halana, it was a veritable paradise. How are we doing, Mister Piersall? Piersall: We'll be initiating preliminary scans in a few hours. Seyetik: Let me know when we get there. Sisko: Well, Professor, you must be eager to get started. What did you call this? Your crowning achievement. Seyetik: Don't remind me. Commander, my entire life has been a series of escalating triumphs. It's what I live for, knowing that no matter what I achieve, there's always another triumph waiting for me. Sisko: And now? Seyetik: Are you familiar with the Klingon poet G'trok? Sisko: A little. The Fall of Kang is required reading at the Academy. Seyetik: So honor the valiant who die 'neath your sword. Sisko: But pity the warrior who slays all his foes. Seyetik: Yes, well, a bit obvious perhaps, but true nonetheless. So, what were we talking about? Sisko: You. Seyetik: Of course. My favorite subject. Where was I? Sisko: You had just finished terraforming New Halana. Seyetik: Ah, of course. Well, you can imagine how grateful the Halanans were. Endless parades and receptions. Got to be a bit of a bore actually. But then I met Nidell. She was the daughter of a local dignitary. She was utterly infatuated with me from the very start. I can't say I blame her, actually. The first time she saw me, I was surrounded by crowds of people, unveiling a statue they'd commissioned in my honor. I could tell from the start she was something special. You know, she'd never been off world before she met me. I promised to show her the galaxy. I'd have given it to her if I could've. Sisko: She must love you very much. Seyetik: She does, Commander. Don't ask me why, but she does. Sisko: Fenna? Fenna: Benjamin, I'm so glad to see you. Sisko: Dax, report to my quarters immediately. Dax: On my way. Fenna: Benjamin, what's wrong? Sisko: The last time I saw you, you vanished. Fenna: I'm with you now and I'm never going to leave you again. Sisko: I wish I could believe that. Fenna: You have to, Benjamin. Sisko: Dax, this is Fenna. Fenna: What is she doing? Sisko: It's all right. She's not going to hurt you. Dax: I'm not reading any cellular structure. No DNA patterns. Just pure energy. Fenna: Benjamin, what is she talking about? Sisko: I think it's time we found out. Seyetik: Help her. She won't wake up. Dax: She's in shock. Her respiration is shallow, her heartbeat irregular and falling. Her blood pressure's dropping. Benjamin, she's dying. Seyetik: You've got to do something! Dax: I don't know that I can. Seyetik: Fenna. I should have known. But you can't be here. Nidell promised me you'd never come back. Fenna: I don't know what you're talking about. Seyetik: Just look at her. Fenna: She looks like me. Seyetik: Of course she looks like you. She is you. The real you. Sisko: Professor, what the hell is going on here? Seyetik: That thing over there isn't real. She's an illusion, created by my wife's unconscious mind. Fenna: That's not true! Benjamin, you know that he's lying. Seyetik: Nidell is a psychoprojective telepath. Fenna's just another one of her projections. Sisko: Lieutenant? Dax: I've never seen readings like these. Her occipital lobe is giving off enormous amounts of energy. I don't see how she can survive more than an hour or two like this. Seyetik: She's dying. You've got to something. Dax: There's nothing I can do. Sisko: Get Fenna to my quarters, Dax, and notify Doctor. Seyetik: No! Sisko: Get her out of here, Dax. Fenna: Benjamin, I want to stay with you Sisko: It'll be all right, Fenna. I just want to talk to Professor Seyetik here. Sisko: All right, Professor, if what you're saying is true, Nidell's psychoprojective abilities are killing her and I need to know why. Seyetik: Nidell doesn't even know this is happening. In times of deep emotional distress Halanans sometimes lose control of these abilities. My wife is very emotionally distraught. This happened once before, three years ago on Terosa Prime. It nearly killed her then. She swore to me it'd never happen again. Sisko: Obviously it has. Seyetik: You may have noticed, Commander, that I tend to invoke strong emotions from people, particularly my wives. Oh, they all start out loving me, but a few years of togetherness soon cures them of that. My others all had the good sense to leave me. Sisko: Why can't Nidell? What keeps her with you. Seyetik: Halanans mate for life. She can never leave me, no matter how much she might want to. Fenna: Benjamin, I've never seen Seyetik or that woman before. I don't know why he's saying those things about me but they're lies. I'm as real as you are. Sisko: Oh, how I want to believe that. But can you tell me where you came from? How you got to the station? Can you tell me a single memory of your life before we met on the Promenade? Fenna: Benjamin, I'm so frightened. Sisko: Nidell's dying, Fenna. She only has a few hours. Fenna: What happens to me if she dies? Sisko: You no longer exist without her. But you can save her, give her back the life she gave to you. Fenna: I don't know how. Sisko: You can go back to her. I've seen you do it three times. Fenna: But even if she lives, then I die, and everything you and I have dies with me. Sisko: Fenna, what we have is a dream. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but it's still just a dream. Nidell's dream. Fenna: And she won't remember any of it, will she? Sisko: There's no way to be sure. Fenna: I love you, Benjamin, and I always will. Dax: Commander, you'd better come to the Bridge right away. Sisko: What is it? Dax: It's Seyetik. He's launched the shuttlepod toward Epsilon one nineteen, and he's on board. Sisko: On my way. Dax: He's opening a channel. Piersall: On screen. Seyetik: I hope this transmitter is working. I'd hate to go to all this trouble without an audience. Piersall: Professor, you'll be killed. What do you think you're doing? Seyetik: Making history. You might want to record this for posterity and all that. Dax: He's about sixty seconds from impact. Sisko: Gideon, you don't have to do this. We've found a way to save Nidell. Seyetik: I had a feeling you would, Commander. This is the only way I can really set her free. I owe her that. Besides, this'll be my crowning achievement. Remember The Fall of Kang. Well, this is one warrior who refuses to be pitied. Piersall: What's he talking about? Sisko: Klingon poetry. Dax: Thirty seconds from impact. Sisko: Gideon, I want you to turn the shuttlepod around now. That's an order. Seyetik: Too late, Commander. I've already entered the gravity well of the star. Sisko: Engage the tractor beam. Piersall: He disabled it before he left. Seyetik: Commander, when this is over, you'll find a case among my personal belongings. There's something in there you need to find. Sisko: What is it? Seyetik: My obituary. I wrote it myself. After all, I couldn't leave such an important document to some stranger. Do me a favor and see to it that it's sent to the Daystrom Institute for publication. Which reminds me, I didn't get a chance to update it before I left. Let the record state, 'He sacrificed himself on the altar of science.' Dax: Ten seconds. Sisko: I'll be sure they get it. Seyetik: I'm sure I can count on you. Dax: Five seconds. Seyetik: Keep you eyes on the viewscreen, Commander. You'll never see anything like this again. Let there be light! Sisko: Captain's log, supplemental. Epsilon One Nineteen continues to burn brightly, a fitting memorial to a brilliant man. Meanwhile, I'm happy to report Nidell has made a complete recovery. Unfortunately, she has no memory of Fenna's experiences. Nidell: Commander. Sisko: Nidell. How did you know I was here? Nidell: Lieutenant Dax told me. Sisko: So, when does the Prometheus leave? Nidell: Soon. I just wanted to say goodbye and thank you. It'll be good to get home. Sisko: How long do you plan on staying on New Halana? Nidell: For the rest of my life. I've been gone too long as it is. I wish that I could remember Fenna, what she did, how she felt, but I can't. I'm sorry. Sisko: That's all right. I can remember for both of us. Nidell: Tell me one thing. Sisko: If I can. Nidell: What was she like? Sisko: Fenna? She was just like you.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground. The boys and girls are yelling at each other as Nelly and Butters are about to fight each other. Jason: Hit her! Random Boy: Hit her, man! Annie: Kick his ass, Nelly! Red: All boys should die! Lola: Take him out! Nelly: I don't care if you're a boy, I'm gonna kick your ass! Butters: [is seen with his pants put down and shirt pulled up] Anytime anywhere, skank. Boys (except Butters): Yeah! Boys (except Butters): Yeah! Nelly: Pull up your stupid pants first. Butters: Why? You're afraid to fight me like a man? Clyde: Kick her ass, Butters. She called you stupid. Wendy: He is stupid! Look at him! Jimmy: At least he's not a zzzzitty-faced ggirl. Boys (expect Butters and Jimmy): Yeah! Cartman: [walks from the girls side of the fight to the in between Nelly and Butters and spreads his arms] Hey hey hey! Whoa, guys! Guys! [crowd stops yelling] Hasn't this gone on long enough? Aren't we tired of being so divided at skewl? Annie: Get out of here, Cartman; nobody's buying it. Red: Yeah, everyone knows you're the worst! Heidi: Hey, leave him alone! [walks from the boys side of the fight to near Cartman] Eric tries to help [spreads her arms] and you call him names?! [talks to Cartman] Sorry, babe, I had to step in. Cartman: It's cool, Baby. Scene Description: [Heidi and Cartman kiss each other and causing the others to be flabbergasted] Wendy: Heidi?! Annie: [faints] Cartman: Heidi has been really hurt by all of this, you guys. And I think it's time for us to all try to come together, as a skewl. Scene Description: Presidential speech break room. Publicist speaks with Garrison. Advisor #1: All right sir [gives Garrison his lines], don't be nervous for your speech; I know we're down a bit in the polls, but there's still a great chance we can win the Swing States. Garrison: There's [flips through pages] still a chance, are you serious?! Publicist #1: Just one thing sir, be a little careful of what you say about women. Uh, seems like that might be losing us some votes. [walks away] Garrison: [puts his hand under his chin] Oh you don't say? Scene Description: A campaign rally, later. "Make America Great Again." Chris Christie is at the podium]'' Chris Christie: Ladies and gentlemen, out country's divided like never before. And we all know that only one man has the guts to say what we're all thinking. Please, welcome the man who with your help will soon be the next President of the United States! [Mr. Garrison comes out to great fanfare and takes the mic.] Crowd Members: Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! [somewhere in there a man shrieks. Garrison lights up a cigarette and starts pacing] Garrison: So I'm standin' in line at the airport, waitin' in security 'cause of all the freakin' Muslims. [cheers and applause] Supporter: Ow! Garrison: And the TSA security people all look like black thugs from the inner city; I'm like "Oh good, you're gonna protect us?" [laughter] Well maybe it's good they're all gang members. At least they can tell the difference between Muslims and Mexicans, 'cause God knows I can't. [applause] You know, I'm standin' there in line and you know what I do? I stick my finger in this chick's asshole, [applause and laughter] and she turns to me and says, "Hey, aren't you that guy that's running for President?" I say Yeah. She says "Why you got your finger in my ass?" I say "I'm just keeping it warm, honey, 'cause that chick next to you is way hotter and I'm gonna stick it in her clam." [the men are clapping, the women just look at him now] Yeah, let's make America great again. No dude wants his finger in some ugly bitch's ass. [the men laugh] You gotta be careful though, it's only about half an inch away, you know, that asshole and that clam, so you gotta be careful. Right dudes? [A woman gets up and makes her way to the aisle] Oh. Oh, where are you goin'? Are you leavin? [the woman turns right to leave the rally] I'm sorry, did I offend you? Where did I lose you, honey? You've been okay with the "fuck everyone to death," all the Muslim and Mexican shit, but fingers in the ass did it for ya? [she reaches the door and exits] Cool, just wanted to see where your line was! [some more women get up, one of them leaves with her husband] Oh yeah, look, I guess some more broads are leavin'. Oh Jeez you were so on board, I can't believe I let that little offensive mark slip. Poor girls. Did you get your feelings hurt after "Fuck all the immigrants" and?" Jeez, I'm sorry. Jeez. Scene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. A camera zooms into it. Lennart Bedrager dances into view. Bedrager: [in a weird accent] Hello. Are you tired of hate speech? Are you sick of sexism and-a bigotry? Then please, help the Danish put an end to trolls. Danes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: Right now, the people of Denmark are working on a biometric computer superstructure which will allow people all around the world to identify the trolls in their communities. Danes: Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: But to make this dream into a reality, we still need your donations. We are just a few million kroners away, so please donate via the social media of your choice. Danes: [four windows open and some Danes sing out] Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. Bedrager: Just imagine it, knowing who said what on the Internet. Dane 1: The whole world will be-a peaceful and happy. Dane 2: Like-a here, in Denmark. Dane 3: Help fund our project on social media today! Danes: Together, we will rid the world of trolls. Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang tjing nutillej! Scene Description: The darkened room from last episode. The trolls are gathered there again to plan their next move. Dick: Fellow trolls, we have gathered together because our anonymity is being threatened. Individually, we are some of the most notorious trolls in Colorado. We must now find a way to unite. Each one of us has the power to make message boards go haywire, The power to make individuals buckle and fall. Imagine if we use those skills against a common enemy. Troll #2: They have an entire government at their disposal. Dick: And we... have Skankhunt42. Gerald: [sighs] It's Gerald. Alright? Dick: I believe that he... is the key to stopping all this. Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is holding an assembly PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. This school is falling apart, and it needs to stop. Boys are harassing girls, and girls are stereotyping boys as- Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away! Butters: [with his pants down and dick out] Well okay. [pulls his pants back up.] PC Principal: Now I've asked for some ideas and a couple of students wanna try and help. Please welcome Heidi and Eric. [they come up wearing matching shirts: "COME TOGETHER as a school"] Cartman: Hey you guys? Heidi: What's up? [the other kids stay silent] Cartman: Guys, we have a lot of problems facing our skewl. I don't know if many of you know Heidi but she's really smart and really funny. Heidi: Eheh, stop, Eric. Cartman: You are. And she's come up with a pretty cool idea. Tell 'em, baby. Heidi: Thanks, babe. I don't know if you guys have heard, but right now, Denmark is trying to make trolling a thing of the past. They're asking for help, and I thought "why not a school fundraiser?" Cartman: Yeah, but the way you said it was actually way funnier, remember? Heidi: What? How did I say it? [from here their voices get softer and softer until they're whispering to each other] Cartman: Remember, you were like "Oh, what if we had a fundraiser?" in uh, what was it? [they hold hands] Remember, you- it was like uh- Heidi: When was this? Were we at Denny's? Cartman: Yeah, we were having uhh, that dessert thing. What was that, that-? Heidi: [giggling] Oh, and you kept spilling it and everything? Cartman: Yeah, yeah, remember? Remember that there was that, that guy that had that, what was it Heidi: He had that weird haircut and you kept saying that it looked like he had a dick on his head. Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah, that's when you said that- don't let anybody- [they get lost in the moment for a few seconds whispering to each other. The other kids lean forward trying to understand what they're discussing. Cartman notices, then] Oh hey guys. Wha-what's up? Oh right. A school fundraiser. Tomorrow, we'll be going to each individual class with more information. And after that... Heidi: Then we should all come together [mimicking Cartman] as a skewl. [Cartman giggles and sighs happily. Bebe throws up involuntarily] Scene Description: Campaign headquarters. Garrison's advisers are exasperated after his disastrous rally. Caitlyn is polishing her nails Advisor #1: Sir, what were you thinking? We said to be careful how you talked about women. Garrison: [satisfied with himself] Yeah I don't know, I guess I just kind of screwed the pooch on that one. [checks for any Pabst Blue Ribbon cans with beer left in them] Chris Christie: We are way down in the polls. I don't know how we recover from this. Garrison: Oh really? Jeez that's too bad. [dusts off his pants and checks his shoes] Chris Christie: A lot of us have staked our lives on backing you! You can't just go bonkers like this! Garrison: Hey, sorry. I didn't realize women were racists. Advisor 2: You have... millions of supporters who are looking to you to lead! They're gonna wanna know what you're gonna do about this! Garrison: I mean, I don't know. Nothin'. Whatever. Chris Christie: You wanna tell them that? They're outside. [Garrison is horrified.] Scene Description: Campaign headquarters, outside. a crowd of people wait to hear from Garrison. He cracks the door open and looks out Supporter 1: What's goin' on?! Supporter 2: What are ya doin?! Garrison: [steps outside] Oh, uh hey everybody. Uh, looks like we're tanking in the polls, but you know what? It's fixed. I was never gonna win in the first place. I knew it from the beginning. And on November 8th, when I lose, I'll be able to say "I told you so!" [grins. The crowd is not amused.] Supporter 2: This son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us! Supporter 3: It's like he's not even trying! Garrison: Oh no, I'm I'm trying. I just- Supporter 2: Get him! Garrison: Shiiit! [he runs off, and the crowd gives chase] Ohhh Jeeez! [people in the crowd come armed with shovels, pitchforks, bats, axes, knives, guns... One person even has a chainsaw he has trouble starting up.] Supporters: Kill him! Tear his head off! Don't let him get away! Supporter 4: [ginally gets that chainsaw going] Yeah haw! Scene Description: The Airport Hilton. A concierge walks the hallways, humming to himself, and stops by a private conference: "Rape Victims Anonymous" Andrew: [knocks on the door] Anonymous821: What do you want? Go away. Andrew: Hey, just checking to see if you needed any more refreshments for the conference room? Anyomous821: We're fine. We don't need anything. A Troll: [within the room] Some more creamer? Anonymous821: Just some more creamer. Andrew: Alright, well, I just wanna say "thanks for choosing the-" [the troll shuts the door] Anonymous821: Okay, we're clear again. Dick: You were saying, Skankhunt? Gerald: Alright, look. How do you troll somebody? Troll 4: Say really fucked up shit and make them quit social media? Gerald: No, no, no, it's not about one person. It's about pushing people's buttons so that they'll react in a way that pushes other people's buttons. Look, you don't just troll a woman with cancer to get a reaction from her, it's all about the group of people that are gonna come to her defense. They're gonna be so self-righteous that another group of people will eventually find those people totally annoying. You're just setting them against each other. It's like the fission reaction that sets off the fusion explosion. The Internet does it all, and you just sit back with your glass of wine and laugh. Anonymous821: Wow... that seems kind of... mean. Gerald: It's not mean if it's hilarious. Dick: If we all worked with you, Skank, could we do it? Could we troll an entire country? Gerald: If we all worked together? Maybe. [makes a fist with his left hand] Maybe. Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson has a lesson on mammals on the board, but Heidi is talking to the class about something else. Heidi: Hey guys. Today we're gonna start our school fundraiser. It's an idea I came up with called "Danishes for Denmark." Cartman: [almost whispering] It's awesome. You're doing awesome. Heidi: We need everyone to do their part, so later on in the cafeteria, we are all gonna need to- [the classroom door opens and Heidi looks to see who opened it. Mr. Garrison rushes in and gets to work immediately] Garrison: [frantic] Okay children, let's take our seats! Let's uh, get back to our lessons on grammar, shall we? Stan: Mr. Garrison? Garrison: Okay, does anybody, uh, remember where we left off? No? Alright, uh, who can tell me what an adjective is? [to Mrs. Nelson] You can go now, I'm back. [to the class] Who can t-who can tell me what an adjective is? Token: Uh, aren't you running for President? Garrison: Adjectives usually come before what? They come before nouns, that's right. Chris Christie: [clears his throat] Mr. Garrison, you can't just act like nothing happened! You're spiraling out of control, and you have to answer to the people! Garrison: I don't know what you're talking about! I am a teacher! [back to the board] Okay, adjectives describe nouns, and there are several types of them- Chris Christie: Mr. Garrison. Garrison: What are some examples of adjectives you can give me for this sentence? Anybody? [writes "Jack threw the ball." on the board.] Chris Christie: You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison, and you have to make good on it! Garrison: The yellow ball. That's a good one. Or we can say "the slippery ball," can't we? Chris Christie: Come on. [his advisers come in.] Garrison: What else about the ball? No, please! [The advisers gather around him and carry him off] What else can we say about the ball, children? No, please! Leave me alone! Butters: The bouncy ball? Garrison: [grabs a chalk stick and scratches it against the blackboard] No! No, I'm not going back! Please! They're gonna kill me, children! Please! Help me, children! Help me! [Chris Christie shuts the door] Scene Description: [The Broflovski house, day. Gerald and Dick arrive and go inside. They carry with them keyboards, computers, cables...]' Gerald: Okay, come on. Office is upstairs. [they run into Sheila] Oh, hi honey. Sheila: Gerald, you're back from your convention? Gerald: Yeah, it went really well. This is uh, my IT guy. Gonna help me get my office computers set back up. Sheila: Well, can I make you guys somethin' to eat? Gerald: Don't worry about us, hon. Lots of work to do. Love you so much! [he and Dick go on upstairs.] Ike, no Internet tonight. We need all the bandwidth we can get. Say hi to Dildo Shwaggins. Dick: Hello. [Gerald closes the door] Scene Description: [Gerald's home office. Gerald and Dick sit on the floor putting the computers back in place.]' Dick: I gotta hand it to you, Gerald. You have a really nice home, nice family. Gerald: Yeah? Well now you see I have a lot to lose if they find out who I am. Dick: And who is that? Gerald: What? Dick: I've studied your work. You're so good at lashing out at the system. Bringing people down off their high horses. Why do you do it? Gerald: I told you, it's just funny to me. I do it for the lulz. Dick: I don't believe that. I think there's more to Skankhunt. When I was in school, kids teased me. Called me "midget," even though I'm not. My mother was a little person, but she actually married a guy who had gigantism syndrome. She thought, if she was a little person and had a baby with a giant, I would come out normal. [Gerald stifles a laugh] We can't let these Danish pricks take our online lives, Skank. For some of us... it's all we have. Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. A banner over the kitchen entrance reads "SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER." All the kids are making Danishes and PC Principal supervises it all. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Cartman: We can work together hand in hand to make the whole world understand that Heidi and Cartman: We came together as a skewl. Cartman: Put our difference aside, feeling hope now feeling pride. No more fighting, it's time for something new. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Scene Description: During the song, the following things are seen: Two kids come up to get some trays with freshly backed Danishes on them, two other kids hand them the trays. Stan, Wendy, and Millie spread frosting on the Danishes. Butters and Nelly do the same at another table. Red passes by. Nichole and Token prepare the batter, as do Tweek and a girl. Clyde and Bebe pack the Danishes up and hand them to Nelly, then move on to the next box. By the time the song ends, the kids look tired. Annie, Kyle, Kevin, and another girl are putting frosting on their Danishes. Heidi: I really feel like this is the start of something new! We're gonna help Denmark, and Denmark is gonna put an end to trolls. Cartman: And then maybe everyone can finally be as happy as we are. Heidi and Cartman: Let's come together as a skewl. Cartman: Terraform Mars. Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Mr. Garrison rans past City Wok Garrison: Oooooohhh. [stops to catch his breath, then sees his advisers and runs again] Oohh! Adviser: He went this way! Chris Christie: Get back here! You're acting like an idiot! [Behind the advisers is the crowd of supporters with their weapons] Supporters: Get him! String him up! We put our faith in you, asshole! Scene Description: The trolls are in their own homes now. Dick: Test test 1 2. This is Dildo Shwaggins. We are ready to commence the trashing of Denmark. All trolls report in. PurpleheadedQueeflicker: PurpleheadedQueeflicker standing by. Che Gamorrah: [voice over] Che Gamorrah standing by. MLKKK: MLKKK and I'm ready. Anonymous821: Anonymous821 signed in to multiple accounts and standing by. URFATANDDUM: [voice over] URFATANDDUM standing by. SuperSexyLisa18: SuperSexyLisa18 standing by. YourMomsTits: [voice over] YourMomsTits standing by. Gerald: Skankhunt42 standing by. Dick: Okay. everyone follow Skankhunt's lead. Don't get distracted, we are only trolling Denmark. Gerald: Alright, engaging Twitter... now! Prepare for overreaction on my mark. 3... 2... Mark. Scene Description: South Park, day. Sleet falls to the ground as the wind howls through town. Thunder rolls by. Garrison, dripping wet from the sleet, finds a door and steps inside - it's the South Park Community Center. He sees the members of Member Berries Anonymous seated around a circle, with an empty chair waiting for the random walk-in. Garrison's spray tan is washing off. Randy: Hey, Mr. Garrison. Come on in, bud. Have a seat, you're not alone. Garrison: You, you're not gonna try and lynch me too? Randy: No lynchings here, little cowboy. Take a seat. [Garrison takes the seat] You wanna share with us what you're goin' through? Garrison: [crying softly] It's all my fault. I just wanted to get rid of all the immigrants, you know? [takes out a napkin and blows his nose with it] I just- I thought we could fuck them all to death, and everyone started listening to me. Next thing I know I actually get the nomination from the Republicans! Randy: It's not your fault, little guy. Garrison: It is my fault! I told people I could make the country great again, but I didn't have a plan! Randy: Not your fault. Garrison: I got caught up in people cheerin' for me, bein' in the media every day. I, I led this entire election down the shitter. Randy: You've gotta stop blaming yourself. Garrison: Well then, whose fault is it?! Randy: Here, catch. [tosses a member berry at him] Member Berry: Member Lando Calrissian? Member tauntauns? Member? Member feeling safe? Garrison: What the fuck is this? Randy: That... is why millions of Americans want you to be President. But there's more... Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald is in bed, sleeping. Dick knocks on his bedroom door and Gerald wakes up. He checks for Sheila, but she's not in bed. He gets up to answer the door, and Dick shows him the latest headline: DENMARK IN TURMOIL! Dick: It's started! [smiles. Gerald smiles back, then grins.] Scene Description: The living room. Gerald and Dick run down to the sofa and take seats Gerald: Did they pick it up on Yahoo? Dick: Don't know, but Google has it as the number one story. Gerald: Oh, shit! Go to, go to Huffington! Bill Keegan: Millions of people took to the Internet last night after shocking claims were made about the Danish company LEGO and their ties to ISIS. Gerald: Oh yes! This is CNN front page right now. CNN Anchor: It now appears the country of Denmark was the victim of a massive troll. The country is still reeling from the LEGO hoax story. Bill Keegan: Tom, by the time the hoax was revealed the damage had already been done. Millions of people got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon, and when millions more came in to support Denmark, hundreds of millions more got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon. Dick: We did it! We did it! [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs] Gerald: Oh, Kyle! Ahh, hey, I didn't think you'd be leaving yet. Kyle: I have a fundraiser at school. Gerald: Well, did you see what was all over the Internet? Everyone's ripping on LEGOs. Kyle: What? Gerald: Yeah, now the whole world is blowing up with Danish jokes. It's hilarious. Dick: The Guardian has a bunch of stories up about how the Denmark government isn't responding to even interview requests. Gerald: Wow, fuck Denmark, huh Kyle? That's gotta be what just about everyone is thinking now. Fuck Denmark. [Dick grins] Scene Description: Trolltrace.com, day. Its executives run inside the building for an emergency meeting. Dane 2: Sir, public opinion of Denmark is-a very very shit. Dane 3: All our social media pages are-a filled with million and millions of-a horrible comments. Dane 4: And our crowd-funding sites are taken over too. Dane 5: Everyone is making fun of us like we were goofballs. Dane 6: How could-a this-a happen? Lennart: Because that's what trolls DO! I should have known that once they got wind of our little plan, they would start trolling us! Dane 7: So then Denmark isn't funding ISIS? Lennart: Of course not! Dane 1: But-a how do we prove that to the rest of-a the world? Lennart: We can't respond, it will only make the trolls stronger! Our only choice is to go offline Dane 5: You mean we have to quit Twitter? Lennart: Everything, you ignoramus! The only way to stop the bleeding is for Denmark to get off social media! Pokkers Du Trold! Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In front of the school, the kids have set up their Danishes for Denmark stand. Some of the kids are dressed in what appears to be Danish outfits]'' Heidi: Hello. [a car rolls by] Buy a Danish to help stop trolling? How come nobody's stopping? Maybe this was a terrible idea. Cartman: It was a great idea. [spots another car driving by] Hey! Hey, buy a Danish for Denmark? Driver: Heheh, fuck Denmark Butters: [runs up with his boxes and throws then down] That's it! I am through with your stupid crap! Every house I've been to just rips on me and and says Denmark is stupid! Cartman: What? Kyle: [arriving] It's true. Denmark got trolled last night. They left social media. Heidi: Then, all of this was... for nothing. Butters: I told you fellas! This is what you get for working with a bunch of stupid girls! Wendy: How is this our fault?! At least we actually did the work! Clyde: Oh yeah? You guys fucked up all the frosting! Annie: You assholes overcooked them! [the kids begin to argue with each other] Heidi: Oh no! This was a terrible idea! [leaves the booth] Cartman: Heidi! [follows her] Scene Description: [the side of the school, moments later. Heidi reaches a tree and sobs on it a little. Cartman catches up to her]' Heidi: I'm so stupid! Cartman: Don't say that. Heidi: Why did I even think I could bring the boys and girls together again? Cartman: Because you're smart and funny, that's why. It was a great idea, Heidi. [puts his hand on her shoulder] I think that somehow... trolling is playing a bigger part in this than anyone even realizes. Scene Description: The member berry anonymous meeting. Mr. Garrison is still there Randy: Every great empire reaches a point where going backward can seem more appealing than forward. When the world is changing so fast it makes us yearn for the old ways, when life seemed simpler. But it doesn't mean those old ideas are good for us now. We have to face one hard reality as a country. [stands by an easel with a Star Wars poster on it] The new Star Wars was not as good as everyone thought it was. It may seem fun to go back and recycle the past we loved, but we end up with no sustenance. Garrison: I thought you were gonna explain why people want a guy like me to be President. Randy: Well, that's important too, I guess, but, it's just a symptom of the same thing. See, when a civilization has become so big it starts to get lazy, then that's [removes the Star Wars poster to reveal a picture of a member berry orchard] when you get member berries. They're noting new. They date back all the way to the Roman Empire. [shows a painting of a woman giving her lover some member berries.] Once too many Romans ate the member berries there was no more growth. They rested on their laurels just eating and 'membering all the good stuff. Garrison: I think those are just grapes. Randy: Thought so too till I zoomed in. [removes the painting to show a closeup of just the berries] Member Berries: Member? Randy: You see, we all wanna go back to when we were kids. Simple ideas like a big man to protect us, keep us safe. Instead of a fresh new Star Wars we want the old, just recycled and plopped in our tummies. Garrison: You almost make it sound like J.J. Abrams is responsible for this entire election. Randy: Does this look familiar? [removes the closeup to show J.J. Abrams wearing a cap on which is written "MAKE STAR WARS GREAT AGAIN."] Garrison: [takes a good look at the picture, then stands up] Ohh Jeeez. Scene Description: Trolltrace.com. Lennart Bedrager sits in the conference room alone Dane 2: Sir! We got a message from overseas. You really should see it. Lennart: A message how? We're completely offline. Dane 2: This was sent on VHS. Whoever sent it is-a completely offline too. Lennart: Put it on the screen. [a video pops up with Cartman and Heidi on it.] Cartman: People of Denmark, we know that you've been the victim of trolling. So have we. Maybe we can help. I'm not sure if you know my girlfriend Heidi but... She's really smart and really funny. Heidi: Stop baby, no I'm not. Cartman: [whispers] You are, babe. Stop it. Lennart: Who the hell are these people? Dane 2: Just listen. Cartman: [whispers] Go on, babe, just tell them. Tell them. Heidi: I have an idea. I might be able to figure out the source of who trolled you last night. Lennart: Get everyone back inside. If this girl really is that smart and funny, we might have another shot here. [the other Dane goes away]
Randy: Hey, good morning, everybody. Welcome to Tegridy Breakfast, the show where we talk about everything Tegridy Farms. I'm Randy Marsh. Towelie: Hehehey, folks. I'm Towelie. Randy: Today we're gonna talk about what's been growing on the farm, especially our new Tegridy Thanksgiving Special. [displays the new strain in a mason jar] Towelie: I'll tell you what. I-I, I smoked that out of a four-foot bong, and it just about destroyed my fro- Agent: [coming in with another agent and two police officers] Alright, wrap it up! Shut this down! Come on, Marsh, Let's go. Randy: Guh, uh go where? Agent: Everyone's had enough, Mr. Marsh. I'm gonna need you to come with us. [an officer steps forth to arrest him] Randy: [stands, to be arrested] What the hell are you do-? [remembers his show] Sorry, everybody. We'll be right back. Officer 1: Let's go! Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day, outside Randy: What do you think you're-? My show! My Tegridy Farms show! Scene Description: City Hall, later. The City Council is in session. The officer brings Randy in, handcuffed Randy: Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweek, ... Mackey. Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called Mexican Joker? Randy: Yah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible. Mayor: Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana. Randy: [bites his lip, then chuckles] Well, that's ridiculous. Mayor: The Tweeks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera. Randy: Guys, I have nothing against homegrowers. Mayor: Run the footage, please! [her aide starts up the video. Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and pissing into it.] Randy: Hm... [the footage shown him getting deeper into the small garden and pooping in it] Hmmm... [then it shows him burying an explosive and walking away. Two seconds later there's an explosion and the camera footage is interrupted.] Mayor: People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms. Randy: Enough of Tegridy Farms? South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms! Mayor: You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. Get him out of here. [an attending officer comes in to do the job] Randy: I didn't do anything wrong! [the officer pulls Randy up to his feet and walks him away] You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful! [the officer takes Randy out of the office] Mayor: Well. At least now South Park can start getting back to normal. Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Two teams of six players each oppose each other in a game of football. Kenny has the ball and Cartman is set to receive it. Cartman: Titty farts! Titty farts dog wiener. [backs away] Dog wiener, dog wiener! [gets back into position] Pubic mound. Pubic mound. Kyle: Just hike the stupid ball, Cartman. Cartman: Pubic mound titty farts hike! [receives the ball from Kenny. Kyle counts down 15 seconds before Cartman throws the ball.] Kyle: Mississippi one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi four Mississippi five Mississippi six Mississippi seven Mississippi eight Mississippi nine Mississippi ten Mississippi eleven Mississippi twelve Mississippi thirteen Mississippi fourteen Mississippi. Jason: [while Kyle counts] Hey, I'm open! Cartman: [while Kyle counts] You can't catch! Jason: [while Kyle counts] Dude, I'm wide open! [Cartman releases the ball, and it goes high. Jason goes into the street to catch it, but is struck down by a police car and killed. The officer doesn't stop. The ball comes down next to Jason two seconds later. Most of the boys are aghast] Cartman: That totally would have been a touchdown. Scene Description: The Church, day. Funeral music plays. Mrs. White is heard crying. Jason's casket and picture are shown Fr. Maxi: Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would like to now say a few words. [leaves the podium and gives Bob a quick hug as Bob takes the podium.] Bob: I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here." Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marches, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a dead child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White. [leaves the podium. His wife is still crying.] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon is at the dinner table addressing her kids Sharon: Kids, I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to be scared, okay? Daddy is... in police custody until there's a hearing. He could be in jail for a long time. Shelly: Do you promise? Stan: Like, how long is "a long time"? Could it be years? Sharon: It could be, sweetheart. We don't know. Stan: YES! Shelly: Is it possible he could get out of it? Sharon: Of course it's possible, honey Shelly: Egh! [looks away angrily] Stan: But if he doesn't get out of it, then what happens to us? Sharon: We probably have to sell the farm and move, back to town, and, sort of, live our lives without the marijuana business and without daddy. [a smile keeps breaking through as she explains things] Juts... try to stay hopeful, kids. Stan: We will, Mom. You too. Sharon: Okay, you too, Shelly. Shelly: Okay, Mom. You too. Scene Description: The White House, day. President Garrison is in the Oval Office cracking nuts and eating them. The phone rings and he picks up. Garrison: What? ...Who? ...Oh okay, sure, put him through. This is the President. Randy: Hi, Mr. Ga- Mr. President, Uh, I'm really sorry to bother you. Look, uh... I'm in a bit of trouble. Garrison: Huho, tell me about it. Randy: Yeah, they uh, someone got some supposed evidence on me doing something... "illegal" and uh. Garrison: Well, did you tell everyone you didn't do anything wrong? Randy: Y-yeah, of course. Garrison: Well, did you then go on the attack and swap the accusations to make yourself a victim? Randy: Did I what? Garrison: Oh Jeez, DARVO, Randy. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Alright, let's role-play. You be your accusers and I be you. Okay, go. Randy: Uh, uhm, "Hey, you! You blew up people's yards who were growing their own marijuana!" Garrison: "No I didn't! Are you joking, you psychopath?! Now you're blowin' up my yard!" Go ahead, try another one. Randy: "You, you illegally damaged property and made your business-" Garrison: "You damage property to make your business more profitable, you lying sack of shit! I'm not gonna be bullied by you!" See? [looks at footage of himself speaking on several screens] It's really not that hard, just takes a little chin wiggle. Randy: Jeez, you're really good at that. Look, what I really need from you is some personnel. Do you know any good lawyers? Garrison: Do I know any good lawyers? No, but I do know Rudy Giuliani. [at this point Rudy peaks out from under the desk.] Giuliani: Hehey hey, fuck you! Garrison: The fuck you, Rudy. Are you finished cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet? Giuliani: Yeah, that's all of them, Mr. President. Garrison: Listen, Randy, I'm gonna throw you a bone. You just sit tight and I'll have him take care of this. Scene Description: Tegridy farms, day. The Broflovskis ring the front door bell Sharon: Sheila, Gerald, hi. Sheila: Hi, Sharon. We just know you're going through a really hard time right now. We wanted to bring you guys some lasagna. Sharon: Oh that's so sweet, thank you. Other families have brought some stuff too. Come on in. [Gerald and Sheila go in and find something of a party going on. Shelly is dancing on the sofa] Hey guys. We got lasagna. [Stan, Butters, and Cartman show up and run around her] Shelly: I love lasagnaaa. Sharon: No running in the house, you little turkeys. [the boys run off, and Gerald and Sheila join her] Sheila: Oh, look at that, Sharon. You took down all the pictures of marijuana. Sharon: Oh, yeah. You know, just too painful. You know, they remind me of Randy. That's why I took Randy's pictures as well, because, you know, they remind me of Randy. Linda Black: Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it, but have you thought of what you guys might do if Randy gets put away? Sharon: Yeah, I've kind of made a list of all the things I might do. It's kind of a long list. Bob: Oh, isn't this lovely? [The music scratches to a stop. He, his wife and their daughter are just inside] The whole town, turning out to support the Marsh family in their time of need. [looks of shock great them] Our son was killed by the police. Mrs. White: [sobbing] Why? Bob: Would have been nice if somebody had brought us some lasagna. You know, if I'm not mistaken, it almost seems like you people are happy that Tegridy Farms is being indicted. It's almost like you're reveling in it. My wife and I were both Tegridy Plus members! We always believed in Randy Marsh. We believed... in Tegridy. And now there's less Whites. Now there's less Whites. [they turn and leave] Butters: Oh Jeez. We should have never played football that close to the road. Cartman: Yeah, this isn't right. Butters: Wu-where are you going, Eric? Cartman: I think I might be able to help them. [follows the Whites out] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. The Whites are close to the entrance when Eric calls out to them Cartman: Mr. and Mrs. White! [The Whites stop and he catches up to them] I'm sorry about what happened. I knew Jason pretty well. He was a shitty receiver, but he would have wanted his parents to... move on. And help a new child. Mrs. White: What? What do you mean? Cartman: A few weeks ago, I was sent somewhere. It was a place where people like you could find a way to fill that empty hole. Scene Description: Texas detention center, day. An ICE bus pulls up and unloads its passengers, all parents seeking children to adopt Jeff: Welcome, everyone. My name is Jeff. We're thrilled you've come to help out and adopt. The parents of the children inside have all been deported, but the kids are legal citizens, since they were born in the United States. [he leads the group inside and down some hallways lined with kennels] Mr. and Mrs. White? Bob: Yes? Jeff: We've all heard about your tragic loss. I'd love to help out however I can. Is there something specific you're looking for? Mrs. White: We... don't really know. Jeff: Well, we've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences. [points out the various kinds of kids he has as they move down the hallway] Here's a little Panamanian. They're very clean. This is a Colombian shorthair. Oh, and this is a good one. This is a Baja shepherd. Baja Shepherd: Quiero a mi papá. Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my dad. I want my mom."] Jeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"] Bob: Oh, honey. Look at the Peruvian hairless. Jeff: Yes, they're pretty silly-looking. Great with kids though. Bob: Hey, what's this little guy? Jeff: Oh, why, this is a purebred Mexican. He's had all his shots; parents were deported two weeks ago. Here, we can let him run around a little bit. [opens the kennel to let the boy out] Mexican: [steps out] Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"] Jeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"] Mrs. White: Oh Bob, he's kind of perfect. Bob: Hello, little fellow. How would you like to be a White? [the boy is dumbfounded] Scene Description: County Jail Infirmary at South Park, day. It has 8 beds, six of which are filled. Randy is in the one at far right. A doctor is checking out his ears Randy: Look, doctor. You have to give me something. I'm really sick. Doctor: What exactly are your symptoms? Randy: I'm like, starting to question things that I've done. Like, starting to question the person I've become. And I can't sleep at night I, I just lay in my cell wondering if I've been a bad father lately, and a bad husband, and... please, it really hurts. I need some marijuana. Doctor: Sounds like you haven't had access to marijuana for a while, now reality is setting in. Randy: I just need a little medicinal weed and these symptoms will all go away. Doctor: Well maybe they shouldn't go away. Maybe this is your wake-up call that you've been abusing drugs, and need to face all your wrongdoings, try to turn your life around. Randy: You need to turn your life around! Clearly you have the addiction problem and I'm just your whipping boy! Doctor: That's not going to work, Mr. Marsh. You're not the President of the United States. Randy: Ahh, poop! Scene Description: The White house, evening. The Whites and their newly-adopted son are enjoying TV dinners in the living room. The boy studies them Mrs. White: Well Alejandro, how are you enjoying being a White so far? Alejandro: Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"] Mrs. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"] Bob: Yes, it's good us Whites have each other, Alejandro, because... I need to tell you something. You see, now that you're a White, life isn't gonna be so easy. You're gonna find that a lot of people in this world just don't care about the Whites. Mrs. White: You'll hear about how others in the world are mistreated, but nobody will care when you are. Crystal: Being a White is the hardest thing ever. Bob: That's my little White. [the boy is using a phone all of a sudden. Bob notices something onscreen] Oh, turn it up, honey. Anchor: And the President of the United States today called the allegations against Randy Marsh "total, buttfucking bullshit," and claims the neighbors who came forward with the evidence video are "tampon-faced, 69ing whistleblowers." When asked for clarification, the President's lawyer and treasonous pig Rudy Giuliani, had this to say. Giuliani: Ohhh, this is just a conspiracy. It's conspiracy! And we need everyone out there who, who don't think their voices are heard, to make their voices louder! Bob: Uh, he's absolutely right. Starting tomorrow, the Whites are gonna start actively trying to stop all this trial nonsense. Mrs. White: Bob, Alejandro's on your phone and it's past phone use time. Bob: Hey! [snatches the phone from him.] Why, he's trying to call Mexico! Alejandro, the Whites do not use mobile devices after 7 pm. Mrs. White: Why would he try to call long distance to Mexico? Does he just assume that the Whites have all the money in the world? Bob: The Whites don't call long distance! [bops Alejandro on the head with the remote control] Mrs. White: Jason never tried to use mobile devices after the cutoff time. Jason never tried to call long distance. [begins to cry and leaves the living room] Bob: Well good job, Alejandro! Now you've upset your mother! Alejandro: ¡Esa no es mi madre! ["That's not my mother!"] Mr. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [Alejandro looks at him quizzically] Scene Description: County Prison Therapy Room. Two guards keep watch over eight inmates in this room. A Relationship graph is drawn on a whiteboard under the room's sign Randy: I've had a lot of time to just sit in here and think. I'm starting to realize I have this pattern of behavior where I... always want more. More weed, more drinks, more deals with the Chinese. It's never enough. See, I've always had my flaws, but at the end of the day, I cared about people. You know what the President said? He said just deny everything and make yourself the victim. Yeah, well... maybe he's part of how I got here. Maybe the President has brought down my moral meter. I don't mean to cast blame - I'm to blame - but... ever since he was elected, I've compared my morals to his. And no matter how awful I am, I'm never as bad a the President, so I'm... okay. Scene Description: The Whites are in front of a market. Alejandro and Crystal carry bells in their hands, Bob has a clipboard, and his wife carries a sign: "STOP THIS RIDICULOUS PERSECUTION!" Bob: Help support Tegridy Farms and Randy Marsh! Randy Marsh has done nothing wrong! Stop the ridiculous persecution! [Alejandro is mad, so he doesn't ring his bell] Mrs. White: Exonerate Tegridy Farms? [a woman walks into the store without stopping to contribute.] Oh yeah! Just ignore us! The Whites are used to it! Bob: Good one, honey. Crystal: Daddy! Alejandro isn't ringing his bell! Bob: Alejandro! There's few enough of us as it is! We're not gonna stop this trial unless all the Whites chip in! [takes the bell from Alejandro and rings it] Now ring your bell! [bops him on the head with it, rings it, and gives it back to him.] Alejandro: [throws his bell away] ¡No quiero estar aquí! ["I don't want to be here!"] Mrs. White: It's like he doesn't appreciate us, Bob. Bob: Oh, I know. Mrs. White: I mean, we give him a place to live, food, we take care of him. Bob: It just... [soft gasp] he just doesn't seem happy. Maybe if we got him a little thing to take care of and feed he'd understand how much responsibility it is. Scene Description: Texas detention center, day. The Whites are back at the detention center with Alejandro Jeff: We're so glad you came back, Mr. and Mrs. White. We have even more kids now whose parents have been deported. Bob: See one you like, Alejandro? Now that you're a White, you can pick anyone you want. Jeff: Oh, here's a good one. Four years old, parents just deported yesterday. He's a Panamanian podengo pequeño. Bob: Do you like him, Alejandro? Jeff: We could see how he gets along with the kids. [opens the kennel door and the boy walks out] Panamanian: Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my mom."] Alejandro: Nunca la vas a ver. ["You won't see her again".] Mrs. White: Oh look. I think he likes him. Bob: Alright, Alejandro, but you have to take care of him and clean up after him. Mrs. White: This is a great addition to our family. Bob: Yeah. [in her ear] Now there will be more Whites to stop those needless hearings. Scene Description: South Park County Prison, Cell 13. Randy sits alone in this cell looking at a picture of his family. Officer Peterson: Hey Marsh, you got a visitor. Randy: I do? Officer Peterson: [taking Randy to the visiting room] Fifteen minutes. That's all you get. [Randy goes in] Giuliani: Hello Mr. Marsh? My name is Mr. Giuliani. I've been sent to try and help you. Randy: Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm just gonna plead guilty. Giuliani: Oh, that sounds like someone who's a little down in the puss. The President said you would be, and he thought you might need a little something special. [proceeds to take down his pants and briefs] Ssshhhhhh. [reaches into his ass and pulls out a joint, then lights it] Would this make you feel better? Randy: Oh. Ohhh. Giuliani: [waves the joint around] Is this just what the doctor ordered? Randy: Yeahhh. [jumps forward and takes a long drag] Scene Description: Breaking News Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the government building where Randy Marsh is about to be arraigned. Protesters from both sides have gathered here. Some of them who are for the proceedings... Crowd: Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Field reporter: ...and also those in support of ending the investigation. The Whites: Let him go! Let him go! Mrs. White: These hearings are a waste of the taxpayers' money! Bob: Nothing in these hearings will change the Whites' minds one bit! Crystal: Daddy! Bob: What? Crystal: Alejandro isn't putting on his sunscreen! [he's holding on to a bottle of it, though] Bob: Alejandro, what have we told you?! All Whites wear sunscreen! Put it on right now! [takes the sunscreen and bops it on his head] Alejandro: ¡Ahhh! ¡No necesito protector solar! ¡Necesito a mi madre y a mi padre! ["Ahhh. I don't need sunscreen! I need my mom and my dad!"] Bob: ¡BIEN, GRACIAS! ¡¿Y TÚ?! Now put it on! [opens the sunscreen and rubs it all over Alejandro's face, giving him the whiteface of a clown.] Alejandro: ¡Alto! ¡Aah! ¡Alto! ¡Te odio! ¡Te odio! ["Stop! Aah! Stop! I hate you! I hate you!" He runs away] Scene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor. The City Council of 13 is seated. Mr. Mackey isn't present, as he was protesting outside. The President and Mr. Giuliani are present, flanking Randy. A small crowd of people is witness to the arraignment Mayor: In the South Park vs. Tegridy Farms matter, we are now ready to proceed with the arraignment. Before doing so, Mr. Marsh, do you have any words? Randy: Yeah, I have some words to say! Giuliani: Go get 'em! Go, go get 'em! Randy: I can't believe I'm being attacked here! You people are monsters! The evidence shows me in a yard taking a dump! Yes! Because I was setting a trap for Mexican Joker! [skeptical cries erupt from the crowd] That's right! And Mexican Joker attacked seconds later! I was trying to protect you people from terrorists! And what do I get for it?! I get a- a bunch of- [the President and Giuliani cheer him on silently] A bunch of... No... No, I can't do this. You wanna know what really happened? The President... sent me his lawyer, and his lawyer told me what to say to get off and gave me a joint in prison. Crowd: [swelling] What?? Randy: And then I smoked that joint! And you know what I thought?! I thought "this is some shitty-ass weed." It wasn't Tegridy. It barely even changed my mental state. The reason I got into the marijuana business was to make quality, simple weed that came from the heart. Weed that was strong, and pure. Somewhere on that journey I lost my way. Tegridy weed is about community. It's a sunrise. It's the smile on a baby. But most of all [reaches a chair and puts a foot up on it], Tegridy weed is about family. I had forgotten I have a loving wife, and son [Sharon, Stan, and Shelly are shown, Shelly with arms crossed], and I'm not gonna forget them anymore. [Shelly uncrosses her arms and puts her palms up] So I'm not gonna fight this. I'll do my time and... maybe someday I'll be back. Making marijuana that's simple. Marijuana that's Tegridy. Because, when you do the right thing, good things happen. [explosions are heard outside, and the people in chambers go to the windows to see what's going on. Sure enough, buildings are exploding all around town. Alejandro is vandalizing police cars with a bat] Man with orange shirt: It's him! Oh god, it's him! Townswoman: Oh, Jesus, save us! Officer 2: G-give it up, Mexican Joker. You don't wanna do this. [Alejandro smashes the cruiser some more, then brings out a Molotov cocktail.] Bob: Alejandro! Get down from there this minute! Alejandro: ¡Abajo con Estados Unidos! ["Down with the United States!" An officer fires a shot and injures Alejandro. Other cops fire away and cause a cloud of smoke to rise up and hide Alejandro. Alejandro seizes the opportunity to make his escape.] Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy and Rudy exit the double doors and approach the podium set up for a press conference Reporters: Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh Marsh Marsh. Over here. Reporter: Mr. Marsh, how does it feel to be exonerated? [as soon as they reach the podium, Giuliani starts massaging Randy's shoulders] Randy: Thank you. It feels really good to have these charges dropped. Now we can all get back to the business of trying to heal. I'd like to... [notice Giuliani massaging his shoulders] Would you please get the fuck away from me? [Giuliani lets go, adjusts his dentures, and puts his thumbs up in approval] I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have always been by my side, supporting me from the very beginning, the people who stood by me since day one and gave me hope. The Whites. [he and Giuliani clap. The Whites look surprised, then they put their hands to their chests.] Thanks for having my back, Mr. and Mrs. White. And now, everybody, if you don't mind, I've got a farm to tend to. [waves to everybody as he leaves] Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Winter has come, and snow is falling everywhere. The marijuana plants have been harvested and cut back. Inside, Randy brings a box containing six jars of Tegridy weed to the table. Shelly is suffering a personal hell being around marijuana, so she has buried her face in her arms Randy: Well gang, I guess that's about it, huh? It's been a really good run, but, looks like the season is over. Shelly: [perks up] The season is over? Randy: Well sure, the first snow is falling, crops are pretty much dead. Well what'd you all think, huh? I think the season was a little better than anyone expected. I really wanna thank you guys for a great run. [walks to a camera off to his left] And hey, we hope you all enjoyed the season too. It had a little bit of everything, didn't it? And hopefully, the season finale really brought it all home. Of course, if you haven't had a chance to try the season finale yet, it is available now for a special price. This limited-edition weed made from the very last crop of the season is pricey, but worth it. [cuts to the live-action shot of a guy's hand putting the jar of Season Finale next to the five other jars of episode-titled weed.] Announcer: Now taking pre-orders for Season 2.
Man: Here they are. Welcome. Woman: Thank you. Padd: Recording. Jake: Character sketches for possible stories. A Bolian tries to impress a dabo girl by wearing a toupee. A thief disguises himself as a Monk so he can swindle a Ferengi. A woman traveling alone. She's come a long way. Odo: Lwaxana? Lwaxana: Oh, hello, Odo. Odo: You've been crying. Lwaxana: I can't help it. Odo: Why? Lwaxana: Because. Lwaxana: I'm pregnant. Lwaxana: It's a miracle. I never thought I could have another baby. Odo: Then those were tears of happiness? Lwaxana: I won't let him do it, Odo. Odo: Who? What? Lwaxana: My husband, Jeyal. He wants to take my baby. That's why I ran away. Odo: Please, Lwaxana, try to be calm. Now tell me, why would your husband want to take your baby from you? Lwaxana: He's Tavnian. Odo: And? Lwaxana: They believe in strict separation of the sexes. Boys are raised by men, girls by women. Why, those poor children aren't even told the other sex exists until they're sixteen. Odo: And your child is male? Lwaxana: And the day Jeyal found out, he said that he was going to take my baby away from me as soon as he was born. Well, I told him that that isn't what we'd agreed, that he had said it was going to be different with us because I wasn't Tavnian. Odo: But he changed his mind. Lwaxana: During our wedding ceremony, he spoke so beautifully about why he wanted to marry me, but afterwards it was as if I had become a piece of property in his eyes. Odo: So you ran away. Lwaxana: And it wasn't easy, believe me. Toward the end, I was practically a prisoner in my own house. Odo: Well, now that you've shown your husband how determined you are to be part of your boy's life, perhaps he'll reconsider his position. Lwaxana: Oh, no. Not Jeyal. He's the most wilful man I've ever met. I'm so tired. I've never needed a friend more than I do right now. Odo: I appreciate your situation, and I would like to help. Lwaxana: I knew you would. You're such a dear, sweet man. Odo: Unfortunately, I'm also a very busy man. Lwaxana: Oh believe me, Odo, the last thing I want is to become a burden to you. I know how you value your privacy. All I want is a quiet place where I can have my baby in peace. Odo: I was about to suggest the very thing. I'll find out when the next transport leaves for Betazed. Lwaxana: Oh, I couldn't possibly go there. That's the first place Jeyal will look for me. I know him. He won't give up. Not until he finds me and gets his son back. That's why I came to you. Because I knew you'd protect me. You will protect me, won't you, Odo? Onaya: You're a writer. I could see you were somewhere else. Some place you were inventing. Jake: I'm working on a story. Onaya: I can spot a creative soul a galaxy away. My name is Onaya. Jake: Jake Sisko. Onaya: Do you live here? Jake: Yes. Onaya: I love Cardassian architecture, the way things flow together. Kell used to say that every element had to be of a piece, yet have a beauty all it's own. Jake: Tavor Kell the architect? Onaya: I knew him when he was in exile. Jake: What was he like? Onaya: He was shy, unsure of himself and his talent. Most people would never notice someone like him, but I have a weakness for artists. Jake: You wouldn't think he was shy from his designs. Onaya: When I first met him, they were as timid as he was. I was always telling him to stop censoring himself. Jake: He must've listened to you. Onaya: I've found artists have a weakness for me as well. At least, I hope they do. Jake: I, er, I've always wondered what Kell would have designed if he'd lived to be older. Onaya: He accomplished more in the years that he had than most people could in a dozen lifetimes. His name is known throughout the quadrant. His buildings will stand for centuries to come. Isn't that what an artist wants, to be remembered? Isn't that why you write? Jake: I don't know. I think it's mostly because I like to tell stories. Onaya: There's no reason to hide your ambition, Jake. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's what makes artists so compelling. Jake: All right. I guess I do want to be remembered. Onaya: So what are you doing to make sure you will be? Jake: Well, I'm thinking of going to the Pennington School, on Earth. Onaya: You already have the talent inside you. I can see it. You just need someone to help you bring it to the surface. Jake: How? Onaya: There are ways. Exercises. Techniques. Jake: Can you show them to me? Onaya: Come to my quarters tonight. Jake: I'll be there. Sisko: Are you packed? Kasidy's ship is going to be here any minute. Jake: Dad, I was thinking about staying home. Sisko: Staying home? This trip was your idea. Jake: I know. Sisko: You really want to pass up three days in the Bajoran outback? Jake: I thought maybe you and Kasidy would have a better time without me. Sisko: Oh, lay off the matchmaking, Jake. Kasidy and I are doing fine. Jake: It's not just that. I'm also working on this story and I don't want to lose my concentration. Sisko: You can write on the trip. Look, I'm not trying to talk you into anything. I don't get leave often, and I was looking forward to the three of us spending time together. Jake: Me too, but I really need to focus on this. Sisko: All right. Good luck with it. See you in a couple days. Lwaxana: My marriage was a sham. What I'd mistaken for love was nothing more than a prison. Lwaxana: So, tell me, where are you girls headed? Kira: Oh. A holosuite. Dax: King Arthur's Court. Lwaxana: Camelot. Love betrayed. Dreams shattered. Quark: Look at them. You'd think somebody died. I don't know if it's because she's Betazoid or what, but her mood is contagious. As soon as she walked in here, things started getting quiet. Odo: What do you want me to do about it? Quark: Either cheer her up or get her to leave. Because if you don't, I'm going to throw her out. Odo: Ahem. Lwaxana: Odo. Won't you join the party? Odo: Actually, I have some free time and I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk. Worf: I would. Odo: I meant Lwaxana. Lwaxana: I'd love to. Sorry. Maybe next time. Dax: I'm so depressed. Lwaxana: Kestra was six years old when she died. My sweet little girl. I lost my parents, a sister, a husband. But nothing, nothing compared to losing her. I didn't mean to carry on like that. I'm sorry. Odo: No, don't apologize. I think I finally understand why you're so determined not to let your husband take the baby from you. Lwaxana: These are your quarters, aren't they? Odo: Yes. Right next to yours. Lwaxana: My replicator is acting up. Would you mind terribly if we popped in so I could get a cup of Gavaline tea? Odo: Of course not. Odo: The replicator is right over here. I'll let Chief O'Brien know about yours. Lwaxana: Oh, I already did. He said he'd get to it as soon as he could. Odo: Gavaline tea. Lwaxana: Is this for shape-shifting? Odo: Yes. Actually, most people think it's a sculpture. Lwaxana: Well, what do most people know? Thank you. May I ask you something, Odo? Are you over her? Don't worry, I'm not going to throw myself at you if you say yes. Odo: Major Kira and First Minister Shakaar are involved now. Lwaxana: How sad. Odo: Not at all. I'm happy for her. Lwaxana: Well, just don't go do what I did. Look for someone to fix your broken heart then end up pregnant and on the run. Odo: I don't think there's too much danger of that happening. Lwaxana: Oh! Odo: What is it? Lwaxana: The baby kicked. May I sit down for a minute? Odo: I don't have any furniture. Lwaxana: The floor'll do. Odo: How are you feeling now? Lwaxana: Like a changeling who's had to hold his shape too long. Odo: Ah. Well I think I know how that feels. Lwaxana: He's moving. Here, you want to feel? There! Odo: Yes! Lwaxana: Oh, I'm so tired, Odo. I don't think I've had a decent night's sleep in weeks. Sometimes, with Betazoid babies, you can actually sense their thoughts. Such contentment. Odo: Yes, I can feel it, too. Lwaxana: Someone once said life is a search to find the peace you once had when you were safe inside your mother. Odo: I didn't have a mother. Lwaxana: Don't worry, it's all right. You'll find your peace, just the same. Odo: Lwaxana? Your replicator isn't really broken, is it? Lwaxana: No. Odo: I'm sorry if I made you feel unwelcome. It's just my way. Lwaxana? Onaya: Yes? Jake: It's Jake. Jake Sisko. Remember me? Onaya: Come in. Jake: I brought some of my stories for you to read. Onaya: I don't need to. Jake: Oh. I thought maybe Onaya: It's what you're going to be writing next that interests me. You seem nervous, Jake. Jake: Maybe a little. Onaya: That's understandable. You should be nervous when you start something new. Although maybe not this nervous. Haven't you ever been alone in a woman's quarters before? Whatever you're thinking, put it out of your mind. You're here to work. Onaya: Now, what's the most ambitious story you ever wanted to tell? Jake: I have an idea for a novel. It's sort of autobiographical. The main character's mother dies. It's not about that really. It's about a lot of things. Onaya: So many it all seems so big to you right now. You're afraid that you can't do it justice? Jake: Yeah. Onaya: But I'll bet you know what the first line is. Jake: How'd you know that? Onaya: I have something I want to show you something. Onaya: Revalus used it when he wrote The Wait. Jake: You knew him? Onaya: I told you I have a weakness for artists. I want you to have it. Jake: I don't know what to say. Thank you. Onaya: There's more. Onaya: Here. Jake: Paper. I've never worked on paper before. Onaya: Revalus used to say that a writer should put pen to paper as if he were a painter putting brush to canvas. It's part of what he called visceral writing. Jake: What's that? Onaya: It's one of the techniques I told you about. Jake: Can you teach it to me? Onaya: That's why you're here. Onaya: Isn't it? The opening line of your novel. Write it down. Onaya: Now keep going. Jake: What do you mean, keep going? Onaya: Write whatever comes to you. The idea is to create a stream of consciousness and see where that takes you. You can edit later. Just write the first thing that comes to mind. I won't look. Onaya: Let the words tumble out of you. Don't censor them. Feel the pen in your hand, the texture of the paper. Let yourself fall into a rhythm. You feel where my thumbs are? That's your foramen magnum. It's a focal point of the body's bioelectric field. There's another one here. The Vulcans call them qui'lari. The Indians of ancient Earth called them shakras. I know how to stimulate them to make you feel restful or energized or even creative. Jake: This isn't bad. Onaya: I told you I could help you. Let the words flow, Jake. Onaya: Let them flow. Onaya: Yes, that's it. Let them flow. Lwaxana: There you are! Odo: Ah, ha. Got you that time. Lwaxana: That's not fair. I didn't know you could do surfaces. Odo: Well, now you do. Lwaxana: Shall we try again? Odo: Are you sure you're up to it? Lwaxana: Oh, absolutely, I haven't had so much fun in months. Odo: Really? Neither have I. Com: Security to Odo. Odo: Go ahead. Security: A transport just arrived from the Umani sector. The man you asked us to look out for was on it. Odo: Acknowledged. You know what to do. Security: Aye, sir. Lwaxana: It's my husband, isn't it? Odo: Stay here. I'll handle this. Jeyal: You'd better have a good reason for dragging me in here. Odo: I'm Chief of Station security. That's all the reason I need. Jeyal: Well, well. You're the changeling. Odo, if I remember correctly. Odo: And what of it? Jeyal: Lwaxana told me all about you. How you broke her heart. Strange she'd come running to you for protection. The pregnancy must have her confused, poor woman. Odo: I find her remarkably clear-headed. She doesn't want to see you so you might as well turn around and go home. Jeyal: I've come a long way, I'm not going to leave here empty-handed. Odo: She is not going back with you. Jeyal: I am not talking about her. I am talking about my son. I intend to see that he is raised by men, not by the pampering foolishness of women. Odo: I hate to disappoint you, but Lwaxana has no intention of giving him up to you. Jeyal: Her intentions do not concern me. As her husband, I have a legal right to my son. Odo: I've been familiarizing myself with Tavnian laws. It's well established that the male child is considered the property of the mother's husband. Jeyal: Exactly. Odo: Not the child's father, the mother's husband. By the time Lwaxana gives birth, you won't be her husband. Lwaxana: We're getting married? Odo: If you take me as your husband in a legal Tavnian ceremony, your marriage to Jeyal will be automatically annulled and he'll lose his claim to the baby. Lwaxana: I don't quite know what to say. I'm just touched by your willingness to do this for me. Odo: It's not so much, really. We'll remain husband and wife for a few months, long enough to satisfy Tavnian law, and then get an annulment of our own. It's not as if I was planning to marry someone else. Lwaxana: Even so, thank you. Odo: There is one thing I don't understand. Jeyal insisted on staying to witnessing the ceremony. Lwaxana: He did? Odo: Is that a problem? Lwaxana: In a Tavnian wedding, the groom must stand before the bride and tell her why he wants to marry her. And then, in front of his family and friends, he must proclaim his love for her and convince her to accept him as her husband. Odo: Well, I trust I can count on you to accept me even if I just stand there and read last week's Criminal Activity Report. Lwaxana: No, no, you don't quite understand. If anyone present doubts the groom's sincerity, they can challenge the validity of the marriage. Odo: You mean I have to convince Jeyal that I want to marry you? Ah. Jake: I've never been able to write like this. Ideas are coming so fast I can barely keep up with them. Onaya: It's amazing, isn't it? Onaya: Jake. Jake: It's okay. It's just a nosebleed. Onaya: You should rest. Jake: I'll be all right. It's already stopped. Where was I? Bashir: Did I miss something? I didn't know Odo was getting married till this morning. Kira: I'm not sure he knew either. O'Brien: Who's he? Kira: I think that's Lwaxana's husband. O'Brien: Good of him to come. Odo: So glad you could make it. Jeyal: I'm sure you are. It's not too late to call this off. Your dignity is important to you. I understand that. I would not want anyone to see me go through a charade like this. Odo: If you don't mind, this is a very special moment for me. Odo: In keeping with Tavnian tradition, I stand before you, here in my home, among my worldly possessions and declare my wish to add this woman to that which is mine. She is as kind as she is beautiful, and I want her to be part of my life from this day on. Marry me, Lwaxana. Jeyal: Am I the only one finds this little more than a pale declaration of love? He could be talking about any woman. Odo: Lwaxana is not just any woman. Not to me. Jeyal: Then prove it to us. Odo: Before I met her, my world was a much smaller place. I kept to myself. I didn't need anyone else and I took pride in that. The truth is, I was ashamed of what I was, afraid that if people saw how truly different I was they would recoil from me. Lwaxana saw how different I was and she didn't recoil. She wanted to see more. For the first time in my life, someone wanted me as I was. And that changed me forever. The day I met her, is the day I stopped being alone. And I want her to be part of my life from this day on. Marry me, Lwaxana. Let me into your light. Lwaxana? Lwaxana: I give myself to you, forever and always. Odo: I say for all to hear that this woman is mine. If anyone challenges my claim to her, let them do so now. I present to you my beloved wife. O'Brien: Odo, congratulations. Dax: Congratulations. Kira: Congratulations. Bashir: Well done, Odo. Jeyal: I cherished you, Lwaxana. You were my most treasured possession. Take care of our son. When he asks, speak well of me. Quark: Ladies and gentlemen, please do me the honor of accompanying me to my humble establishment. I'm throwing a party for the happy couple. Dax: Quark! Quark: What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. Odo: Are you all right? Lwaxana: We did it. He's really leaving. Odo: It would appear so. Lwaxana: Oh, Odo, you were wonderful. You know, for a minute there, I really believed you wanted to marry me. I suppose that we should tell them the truth. But let's wait till after the party. Onaya: Jake, you should rest. Jake: Not now. I'm onto something. Onaya: Your father will be home soon. You should be there. Jake: I'll see him later. Onaya: Enough. Jake: What'd you do that for? Onaya: You're pushing yourself too hard. Jake: No, I'm not. My mind has never been so clear. Everything is coming together. At this rate, I can finish this novel in a few days. Onaya: And you will. I promise you. But if you rest now, your work will be even better. Jake: All right, I'll go home. Maybe get some sleep. Onaya: You'll come back later? Jake: Of course. I need you. Jake: Promenade. Jake: Orange juice. Bashir: Something has stimulated Jake's brain functioning in a way that I have never seen. The capillaries in his cerebral cortex have dilated twenty percent. Neurotransmitter production is up by at least that amount, and neural activity is off the scale. Sisko: Do you have any idea what caused it? Bashir: Not yet, but it's a good thing we got him here when we did. His cortex was on the verge of synaptic collapse. Sisko: But he is going to be all right? Bashir: I'd like to keep him in a neural stabilization field for a while. Jake: Onaya. Sisko: Jake. Jake: Where is she? Sisko: Jake, what happened? I'm going to go talk to Odo, see if he knows anything about this Onaya. Bashir: I'll let you know if his condition changes. I'll be in the lab. Onaya: Come with me, Jake. It's time to finish what we started. O'Brien: I'm picking up concentrated traces of some sort of psionic energy on the bulkhead. Bashir: The tests I ran indicated that Jake's mental activity was stimulated by some kind of psionic phenomenon, possibly telepathic in nature. Sisko: Then this entity Nurse Tagana saw could have been responsible. Bashir: We have to find it, then get Jake back in the neural stabilization field before it's too late. O'Brien: I'll tell Odo to have his search parties reconfigure their tricorders to scan for psionic energy. Bashir: That'll help, but only for a while. Psionic residue decays within minutes. Sisko: Then we'd better get moving. Onaya: Keep going, Jake. The moment I saw you, I knew you were worthy of what I could give you. But I can't stay with you forever. This is your chance to create something that will live on, long after you're gone. Onaya: There. It will stop in a minute. Sisko: I'm getting something about twenty meters in this direction. I'll go this way. You swing around and take tunnel sixty one G. Onaya: What's wrong? Jake: I can't. Onaya: Let me help you. Onaya: That's better, isn't it? Sisko: Get away from him. Jake: Dad, don't interfere. Sisko: I said get away. Sisko: Sisko to Ops. Kira: Go ahead. Sisko: Lock on to my signal and stand by to beam Jake directly to the Infirmary. Kira: You're too close to the reactor core. There's so much interference I can't get a lock. Sisko: Get a medical team down here immediately. Kira: Aye, sir. Sisko: What are you? Onaya: It's not what I am that matters, it's what I do. You don't know the minds I've touched. Catullus, Tarbolde, Keats. a hundred others. I unlocked their potential. Sisko: Is that what you did to Jake? Look at him! Onaya: They all die in the end, but look what I gave them in return. Immortality. Their names will live on forever. Sisko: And you, what do you get out of it? Onaya: What I need to survive so I can go on, find others and unlock their talents as well. He was the youngest I ever found. So eager, ready to give everything he had in one great burst. What a waste. I will never forget you, Jake. Sisko: You're not going anywhere. Lwaxana: I have wonderful news. There's a transport for Betazed leaving this afternoon. I'm going home. Odo: I thought you were planning on having the baby here? Lwaxana: If I did, I'd end up staying for months and that wouldn't be fair. I've imposed on you enough. Odo: Lwaxana, you could deliver at any time now, and it's a long way to Betazed. You really should stay. Lwaxana: I'll miss you, too. Odo: Then why leave? Lwaxana: You've gotten used to having me around, haven't you? Oh, you dear, sweet man. Don't you see? What you want is company, someone to take care of. Odo: Is that so wrong? Lwaxana: No, of course not. The problem is I want much more than that from you. You see, I can't help it. I'm still in love with you. And as much as I wish that you were in love with me, I know you're not. I could stay, I try to make you fall in love with me, but we both know that won't happen. Then I'd end up resenting you, and our friendship is far too important for me to let that happen. That's why it's better for both of us if I leave now. Lwaxana: Goodbye, husband. Odo: Goodbye, wife. Sisko: How are you feeling? Jake: Okay, I guess. You've read it? Sisko: I just finished. Jake: What'd you think? Sisko: You've got a good start on a novel here, Jake. The dialogue is sharp, the story's involving, the characters are real. The spelling is terrible. I especially liked the father. Jake: Remind you of anyone? Sisko: A bit. It's really good. Jake: I know. I just wish I wrote it. Sisko: You did. Jake: How can I be sure? I mean, without Onaya. Sisko: Listen to me. You wrote these words, not her. Jake: But she got them out of me. Sisko: And that means they were somewhere inside you. And all you have to do is learn to find them for yourself. Jake: You're right. But I got to tell you, I don't feel up to writing just yet. Sisko: That's understandable. Take it easy for a while. You'll get back to it. And then, someday, when you're ready, maybe you'll finish it. Jake: Sounds like a plan. Sisko: I've got to get to work. I'll check in on you in a couple hours. Jake: I'll be here.
Elaine: Hmm! George: Fantastic! Jerry: I told ya. How good is this? George: Good. Jerry: How good? George: Very good. Jerry: I know it. Elaine: They put real blue berries in this. And there's real blue berries. What kind did you get? Jerry: Coffee. And they grind up the coffee beans, and put it in. Elaine: Let me test-taste that. (tastes Jerry's yogurt) Jerry: Huh? Huh? Elaine: Hmm! Rico! Jerry: Suave! And it's non-fat! George: Ya-see, how could this not have any fat? It's too good. Elaine: (offering her yogurt to George) You want to taste mine? George: (offers his) Oh, you want to taste mine. Elaine: No, I don't. George: Lo..k, if you want to taste mine, you don't have to offer me some of yours. Elaine: All right, let's just forget it. Jerry: You know, Kramer's gonna clean up on this place. George: What do you mean? Jerry: He invested in it. George: No kidding? Jerry: Yeah. We've been coming here everyday. This is so fuck(bleeped)ing good. Maryedith: Jerry! Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine: All right, we should get going. But, I'm going to get a little bit more, okay? George: Oh, god. Look who's here. Jerry: Who is it? George: This guy from my old neighborhood. Lloyd Braun. He's a big advisor to Mayor Dinkins. He thinks he's so cool. Jerry: Oh, oh.? Lloyd: Hey, George! George: Hey-hay! Lloyd! Hey! My friend Jerry eh. Lloyd: Hi. Jerry: Hi. Lloyd: So, I hear you're living back home now, is it? George: Yeah, there was a fire in my apartment. Lloyd: Fire! Whoa! There's a lot of major chicks in this place, huh? (George nudges Jerry with his right arm) Something wrong with your arm? George: Uh, uh, yeah. Actually, the, uh, I-I bumped my elbow on a desk and uh injured something an.. now it sort of moves involuntarily. Lloyd: Wow, that's a bitch, huh? So, how are your parents doing? George: Oh, pretty good. Lloyd: This place does some business, huh? George: Yeah, this is my first time here. (nudges Jerry again) Lloyd: Hey, she's a doll. (looking at Elaine) Elaine: Hi! George: Uh, Elaine, this is, uh, Lloyd. Elaine: Hi! Lloyd: Oh, hi! Very nice to meet you. Elaine: Nice to meet you, too! Lloyd: Well, I'm really sorry I gotta run now. (sets down his cup of yogurt and makes his way out) Well, take it easy, huh, George? George: Yeah! Yeah. Elaine: (excited about Lloyd) Aaah. Boy, he is really cute! George: He's a jerk. (nudges to his right but no one is there) Jerry: He's gone, George. George: All right. All right. Kramer: So, there were a lot of people there, huh? Jerry: Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune. Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: They're doing an incredible business. Kramer: Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it. Jerry: How did you know? Kramer: Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat. Jerry: (answering the buzzer) Yeah? Elaine: (on the buzzer) Buzz me. Jerry: Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes. Kramer: Yeah, but did you tape it? Jerry: (pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up? Kramer: Yes! Jerry: I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here. Elaine: Hey! Kramer: Hey! Jerry: What's the matter? Elaine: Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork. Jerry: Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that. Kramer: (sort of falling backwords) Yowm! Elaine: What? Kramer: Well, you're getting heavy. Elaine: (quietly) What? Kramer: Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds. Jerry: Kramer! Kramer: I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy. Jerry: Me? Kramer: Yeah. Jerry: No. Elaine: Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds. Jerry: I've gained eight. Kramer: I told ya. Elaine: Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds? Jerry: How did I gain eight? Elaine: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different. Jerry: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt. Kramer: No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat. Jerry: Well, how else could this have happened? Kramer: Well, maybe it's the Oreos. Elaine: I don't eat Oreos. Kramer: You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them. Jerry: What about me? Kramer: You? You're getting old. Jerry: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat. Kramer: Oh, guess again, Tubby! Elaine: Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out. Jerry: There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing. Elaine: AH! I've got it. Kramer: What? Elaine: I'll call the Food and Drug Administration. Kramer: Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week. Jerry: Well, let's start the insanity. Kramer: NNNN-Giddy-up! Frank: Tommy Tune is a very good dancer. (hits George on the head with what seems to be the tvguide) You ever see Tommy Tune dance? George: No. Estelle: I like tap dancing. Frank: Tap dancing. Anyone can tap dance. It's all in those shoes. Estelle: Are you kidding? They practice for years, those people. George: What's for supper? Estelle: Somebody's at the door. Frank: Tommy Tune is very tall. That helps. It makes him lankier. Estelle: (answers the door) Lloyd? Lloyd: Hello, Mrs. Costanza. Estelle: Georgie, Lloyd Braun is here. Frank: Hey! Lloyd! Estelle: What are you doing here? Lloyd: Well, I was just in the neighborhood visiting my mother so I thought I'd drop by and say, "Hello". Estelle: Georgie. Come here and say hello. Frank: How are you doing, Lloyd? I hear you're a big advisor for Dinkins now. Lloyd: That's right. Hey, George. George: Hey, Lloyd. (Shakes hands with Lloyd) How's it going? (chuckles) Lloyd: I uh ran into George yesterday in the city. Estelle: Ow! (hits George on the forehead) What's the matter with you? Lloyd: So, uh, how's the arm, huh? George: Oh, it's good. Estelle: What's the matter with your arm? George: Nothing. Lloyd: Oh, his arm moves like this. (does the nudging motion) Frank: Your arm moves like this? (does the nudging motion) George: Yeah. Frank: (continues to move his arm) I never seen your arm move like this. Estelle: Me, either. George: Well, it comes and goes. Frank: It's like some kind of aaaaa (snapping his fingers) spasm. Lloyd: Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. (hands George the Doctor's card) So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter. Estelle: Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him? Frank: You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York? Estelle: Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you. George: You know, Lloyd, I-I've been to the doctor (hands George the card) there's really nothing they can do. Frank: (grabbing the card) Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him? George: All right. All right! I'll go. Lloyd: Well, that's great. (grabs the card back from Frank and hands it to George again) And, uh, I'll be very interested to hear the diagnosis. Elaine: Uh-huh. Okay, well, we're coming down. All right. (hangs up the phone) Okay. I got a place that can analyze it. It's in Brooklyn. We have to drive there. Jerry: And they said they can do it? Elaine: Yeah, it's forty-five bucks. Jerry: All right. Let's go down to the yogurt store, and we'll get a specimen. Elaine: Hm-hmm. Maryedith: Well, I hope you're satisfied. Jerry: What? Maryedith: Every word out of my son's mouth now is beep(fuck), beep(fuck), beep(fuck). (Jerry half turns and puts his head done for a second) You know what he said to me five minutes ago? Where's my beep(fuck)ing cupcake? Jerry: Gee, I'm really sorry. Maryedith: He wants to be like you because you're a comedian. Maybe you could talk to him? Jerry: I'd be happy to. Maryedith: Thank you. Jerry: Ah, Mary, we've been eating a lot of your husband's uh yogurt at the yogurt place - does that have any fat in it? Maryedith: No beep(fuck)ing way! Lloyd: Well, it was very nice seeing you again. Estelle: Oh, it was good seeing you. Lloyd: Oh, um, by the way, who was that gorgeous woman I saw you with the other day? George: Oh, uh, just a friend of mine. Estelle: You must mean Elaine. Isn't she adorable? Lloyd: She is. She is. How about giving me her number? George: Oh, you know, Lloyd, I really don't have it. Estelle: She works at Pendant Publishing. Elaine Benes. Lloyd: Oh, great. (nudges George on the chin) Thanks a lot! George: Yeah! Lloyd: Buh bye. Estelle: Bye! (Lloyd leaves) Oh, that Lloyd Braun. He is something, isn't he? Newman: Well, I wouldn't hear of it. I said, "Nice try, granny!" And I sent her to the back of the line! Jerry: Hello, Newman. Newman: Hello, Jerry. Say, this yogurt is really something, huh? And it's non-fat! I've been waiting for something like this my whole life! And it's finally here! Owner: Hey, Seinfeld. I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using obscenities around my son, huh? Jerry: It was an accident. I'm going to talk to him. Elaine: I want a small, plain vanilla in a cup to go. That's non-fat, right? Owner: That's right. Elaine: 'Cause I'm on a special diet, and the doctor said I can't have any fat. Owner: Yeah, well, there is no fat. Newman: Hey, another round of strawberry for me and my friends. Elaine: Hurry, Jerry! Hurry! Jerry: How's it doing? Elaine: Not so good. Kramer: Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting. Jerry: So what. Kramer: It changes the molecules. Jerry: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. Kramer: Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology. Jerry: You call me fatso one more time; you're going to be walking back. Elaine: Um, hi! Hi. I called earlier about getting the yogurt tested. Lab Technician: Oh, right. Would you fill this out, please? Elaine: Uh, does it matter if it's melted? Lab Technician: No! (Jerry looks at Kramer) You know, this is going to take a couple of days. Elaine: That's okay. Kramer: Hello, there. Cheryl: Hello! Kramer: Ooh! Test tubes. Cool! Jerry: What do you got there? Lab Technician: Actually, this is Mr. Giuliani's blood. We're doing a cholesterol work up on it. Jerry: Oh. Elaine: Okay, I'm done. Cheryl: It was really nice meeting you. Kramer: Well, the pleasure's all mine. Jerry: You can't take that chemist out. Kramer: Why not? Jerry: Because she's like the jury. She's going to be sequestered. Kramer: I'm not taking her out just to influence the results. Jerry: Well, I think the whole thing stinks. Elaine: It smells. Smells bad. Smells really bad. Jerry: That's enough. Elaine: What? Jerry: With the smelling. George: So, he made an appointment for me to see Dinkins' doctor. He's just trying to humiliate me. Jerry: Uh-huh. George: And I have to go. If I don't go, he'll know I'm lying. Jerry: Well, so, what are you going to do? Sit in the doctor's office doing this? (moves his arm) He's gonna think you're a mental patient. George: I don't care. Look, Lloyd doesn't know what he's up against. This is nothing to me. (moving his arm) My whole life is a lie. Elaine: Hey! George: Hey Jerry: Hey. Elaine: So, guess who called me. George: Oh, don't tell me. Lloyd? Elaine: We're going out tomorrow night. George: Oh, look, he's going to ask you about my arm. So, just tell him I banged it against a desk. And it's been moving involuntarily ever since. Elaine: I can't say that. George: Why not? Elaine: What if I like him? I'm going to start out lying to this guy? George: So, you're taking his side? Elaine: No. But what if we get married or something? We'll always have that between us. George: Already you're marrying this guy? Elaine: You never know. George: All right, believe me, you're not going to marry him. Elaine: All right, well, then what if we become a couple, George? Every time we see you you're going to be walking around going like this? (moving her arm) Even you can't keep that up. Jerry: No, I believe he can. Maryedith: Hi! Jerry: Hi! Maryedith: You know Jerry. Matthew: Of course, he's the funny beep(fuck). Maryedith: See! Jerry: Listen, Matthew, I-I want to explain something to you. Now, cursing is not something that most comedians do. Matthew: You did it. Jerry: That's true. But it was an accident. And I haven't done it since. And I would never do it again. And if you continue cursing, you'll never become a comedian like me when you grow up. (phone rings) Excuse me one second. Elaine: You know, Lloyd advises Dinkins on everything he does. George: Yeah, yeah. Big advisor. Elaine: He tells him which soap to use. Jerry: (quickly moves over toward Matthew) What the beep(fuck) are you doing? You little piece of beep(shit)! Cheryl: Shh! We don't want to disturb the security guard. Kramer: Where's the lights. Whoa! Cheryl: How about this? Kramer: Yeah! Bunsen burner. (runs his fingers through the flame) oo ya ya. Cheryl: Oo. Kramer: Yaow. Cheryl: Ha hea. Kramer: You want a taste? It's Cappuccino. Cheryl: It's delicious. Kramer: I hear you. Cheryl: Non-fat? Kramer: Well, you tell me. Is the verdict in yet? Cheryl: No. Kramer: Well, this is in case there's a tie! Elaine: Well, as far as I know, he bumped his arm into a door and it's kind of got this in(pauses)voluntarily movement. Some sort of a (clears her throat) spasm. So, anyway, you're a..you're a big advisor to Dinkins, huh? Lloyd: Yeah, yeah. It's coming right down to the wire. Elaine: Wow! You know what I would do if I was running for mayor. One of my campaign themes would be that everybody should wear name tags all the time to make the city friendlier. Lloyd: Name tags, hmm? Elaine: Well, everybody would know everybody. It would be like a small town. Lloyd: Maybe I'll mention that to him. Elaine: Really? Wow. Lloyd: You sure you don't want any yogurt? Elaine: No, I'm watching my weight. Lloyd: Well, it's non-fat. Elaine: Yeah, so they say. Lloyd: Well I'm done, should we go? Elaine: Yeah. Okay. Elaine: Three days and he hasn't called me, and you know why? Because he thinks I'm too fat. Jerry: (surprised) He said that? Elaine: (stands up straight) No, but I saw the look on his face when he put his arm around me. And then we went to his apartment, and I sat on one of his chairs and it broke. And he says, "Boy, you're a lot of woman!" Kramer: Hey! So, hear anything on the yogurt? Jerry: No, but I expect to hear anytime. Kramer: Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up. Jerry: Why do you say that? Kramer: No reason. Oh, did you hear about that Dinkins? Elaine: No. What about him? Kramer: You didn't hear? Elaine: Un-huh. Kramer: He's proposing a plan where everyone in the city should wear name tags. Jerry: Name tags? Kramer: Yeah! So people can go around saying "hello" to one another. Jerry: Oh, I see. So you can go, "Hey, you know who I saw wilding today? Herb!" Kramer: He's become the laughing stock! You know The Times has already stated it could cost him the election. (laughing) Name tags! Jerry: (on the phone) Hello? Yes. Uh-huh. Ya. Oh, really? Okay, thank you very much. Bye-bye. (hangs up the phone) Well, the yogurt verdict is in. (Kramer looks at Jerry with his arms out) Fat! Kramer: Yeow! George: The next morning, I woke up, and it was going like this. (moves his arm slowly) I can control it if I really concentrate. But otherwise, (arm moves) oh. Doctor: Uh huh. Yes, well, I'm going to have to be perfectly honest with you. George: Please, doctor. Doctor: I've examined you. George: Yes. Doctor: I've looked at your X-rays. George: Uh-huh. Doctor: And I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. George: Hmm. Really? Nothing? Doctor: Nothing, that would indicate involuntary spasms. George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it? Doctor: No, not really. George: How so? Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking? George: Faking? What makes you think that I have time to see doctors, take X-rays, make appointments, when there's absolutely nothing wrong with me? What kind of a person would do a thing like that? Doctor: I don't know what kind of a person would do something like that. Obviously a very sick person. A very immature person. A person who has no regard for wasting other people's valuable time. Good-bye. George: Now, see here, doctor. Doctor: I said, good-bye. George: Fine. (hits his arm on the desk) Ow! Elaine: Jerry, come on, look. Let's go over to that yogurt store. Jerry: Look, Elaine, I've been thinking about this. This has got to be a massive conspiracy. Who knows how deep it goes. Hey, look, wait a second, (looking at the TV) Kramer, turn that up. Kramer: Huh, Okay. News: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today, when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement. Giuliani: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat. Jerry: Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it. Elaine: (pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done. Jerry: Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters. George: Name tags! Name tags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in an idea like that. Frank: I don't think it's so bad. People should wear name tags. Everyone would be a lot friendlier. "Hello, Sam." "How are you doing, Joe?" (George's arm moves and hits the lamp) Hey, your arm. It moved again. I thought you said it went away. George: I banged it on the desk in the doctor's office. An (worriedly rubbing his arm) aaaa . . . Estelle: Be quiet. They're starting the press conference. Giuliani: My campaign staff has received some very disturbing information regarding the fat content in yogurt that's being sold throughout the city. I pledge to you now, that if I'm elected mayor, as my first order of business I'll appoint a special task force to investigate this matter. I promise you, my fellow New Yorkers, that Mayor Giuliani will do everything possible to cleanse this city of this falsified non-fat yogurt. Jerry: The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible. George: Phew! Elaine: Oh, it stinks. Kramer: Mine, too. I got one more day. Jerry: I can't eat this. Newman: (from the corner of the Yogurt shop) Hey, Jerry. Thanks a lot. I hope you're happy. Jerry: It had fat in it, it's not good for you. Newman: I don't care. It was good. I was enjoying it. Had to interfere. Couldn't leave well enough alone. Well, I will get even with you for this. You can count on it. Elaine: Hey, you guys, listen to this. Listen to this. (reading from the newspaper) Apparently some blood spilled into Mr. Giuliani's test tube causing his cholesterol count to be 150 points higher than was initially reported. Ironically, the mishap by bringing the non-fat yogurt scandal to the attention of the public, probably clinched the election for the Republican. It was the one issue which seemed to electrify the voters and swept Giuliani into office. Jerry: So, in effect, the yogurt won him the election. Elaine: I wonder what actually happened in that lab. Kramer: Yeah, me, too. Newman: I can't eat this. Matthew: (hits Jerry to get his attention) Thanks for ruining my daddy's business, you fat beep(fuck).
Dwight: Today is the first day of Sabre's new project to develop a chain of retail stores. I am meeting my new boss, Nellie Bertram, head of special projects. Work starts at nine. Sabre HQ is thirty minutes away, driving the speed limit. Giving everyone twenty minutes to shower, plus fifty for Jim to style his hair, twenty for breakfast, forty for Erin to get lost between her room and the lobby, ninety for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy... We're already twenty minutes late. Dwight: Wake up! [Cathy screams] Dwight: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wake up! [Erin kicks him] Ow! Why are you sleeping that way? Erin: Oh. I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep. Dwight: Stanley! Wake up! You've got to wake up, the hotel's on fire! Erin: Stanley, wake up, it's pretzel day! [Dwight pinches Stanley's nose and covers his mouth] Stanley: Mmm! [struggles] Ugh! Dwight: [lets go] Good morning. Erin: Hey, wake up. Let's have some fun. We're in Florida now. Ryan: Hey, you. I'm so glad this is happening. I actually came to your door twice last night. Come on in, the water's fine. [sees Dwight] Oh, not cool! Jim: I am on the two kid sleep schedule so I'm up and at 'em at four fifteen, but no kids, so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself, and then I thought of something. Uh- [hears door, hides] Dwight: Heeeere's Dwi- what the-? [sees trashed room] Oh man. Erin: What do you think happened? Dwight: Looks like Jim got mixed up with some bad apples. [sees 'IT WAS DWIGHT' written in lipstick on the door] Oh no, no, no, no. It wasn't me. I gotta find Luwanda at The Alcohol Club. Oh. [Jim falls out of the closet, Erin and Dwight scream] Jim: Puppet. Cathy: Cool, for your kids? Jim: Yeah. It's weird being away from them. Never done this before. Dwight: Attention, Dunder Mifflin group. Proceed outside. The vehicle is waiting. Seats have been assigned. Shotgun goes to Ryan. Congratulations, Ryan. Dwight: I need to make Nellie see me as a leader today. First impressions get locked in forever. When I first met Pam, she said something that slightly rubbed me the wrong way. Since then I've loved working with Pam and she's frankly wonderful, but I hate her. Dwight: I'll have a bottle of the antacid. Also, I want to get a souvenir for my son, but his mother doesn't acknowledge my paternity. Do you have anything for that? Also, I want it to have a Florida feel. Saleswoman: What does he like? Dwight: Power. Ryan: Okay, and this one is, 'Huh. Don't see too many museums around here.' Dwight: Okay, Twiggy, that's enough. Get in the car. Erin: Hey, are you okay? Dwight: I'm fine, okay? It's just stress. You know, 'cause I care about this project. And frankly the fact that none of you are vomiting or diarrheal right now I find very alarming. Erin: Who says none of us are diarrheal? Jim: Are you sure it's stress? Because I did poison you. Dwight: Very funny, Jim. Jim: Oh no, I'm serious. I was thinking, 'For this trip I have to do something epic, so what should that be?' and then I thought of it. I'll poison you. What are you gonna do? You gonna steal my newspaper or put a cricket in my cereal or something? Dwight: I'm gonna set your face on fire. Jim: That's a good one. [a red sports car drives up] Whoa, Stanley! Did you just come back from burning down a rival nightclub? Stanley: Laugh it up, Halpert. I'm in Florida for a month without my family. I'm gonna enjoy this. Want to get in? You can work the iPod. Jim: Yes. Stanley: You're a nice guy, Jim, but you have no idea how to vacation. Find some Kenny Loggins. Jim: Loggins and Messina. Stanley: Did I say 'Messina?' [tires screech] Andy: Ahh! [laughs] Sorry I couldn't resist. It's so quiet. Creed: I like it. It's so peaceful, I've already written like, twelve plays today. Andy: It's so quiet, one might say, you could hear a pin... [drops pin] I thought that would be cooler. Darryl: I loved it. Meredith: Hey, can you pick up the pin? Some of us like to work in our bare feet. Andy: Of course, I will pick up the pin. It is right here. Got it. Oscar: Can we see that? Did you really find it? Andy: Yes, right here. Got it. Dink, ow. [chuckles, clicks tongue] In the trash. Pam: Hey, why is it so quiet? Shouldn't the phone be ringing? Uh-oh. Erin set the phone to voicemail. Everyone: Oh great. [overlapping chatter] Kelly: We're screwed. Pam: There. [phone rings] Andy: Oh! There we go! Pam? Pam: Yeah? Andy: Can you get the phone? Pam: Well I'm not the receptionist. Andy: Mm, well, you used to be. Pam: I know, but I can't cover reception. I have a ton of work to do. Andy: Phone's ringing. Kelly: Will one of you get the phone? I am freaking out! I know it's for me. [Andy and Pam silently argue] Are you guys kidding me? Stop flirting and someone get the phone! Everyone: Somebody! Answer the phone. Kelly: Andy, pick up the phone! Stanley: Get the damn phone. Meredith: You're the closest one to it. Andy: Fine. Hello, Dunder Mifflin. [ringing continues] Hello, you've reached Dunder Mifflin. How may I be of service? Jim: Man. Cathy: How was the drive? Jim: Fantastic. Stanley drives so fast. Stanley: Life is short. 'Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.' That's one of my mottoes. Jim: I would love to hear the other mottos. Packer: Quick query, Halpert. Jim: No way. Packer: Still queer? Dwight: Packer. Packer: You can't put me down. Too strong! Packer: Yeah, Dwight and Jim tried to get me fired, but I landed on my feet down here in Florida. You see, this cat's got nine lives, and a nine-inch- Nellie: Psst. Say, 'So who's leading this thing, anyway?' Ryan: So who's leading this thing, anyway? Nellie: Psst. Say, 'I can't wait to meet him.' Ryan: I can't wait to meet him. Nellie: Him, you say? Don't think a woman can be a leader? Ryan: I- Nellie: You poor, simple boy. Expected a man, did you? Strong, powerful. Huge, whopping penis? Well, sorry to disappoint, but my huge, whopping penis is right here, [points to her head] and I'm not afraid to use it. So stop looking at my breasts, and start looking at my penis. [slow clap] I'm Nellie Bertram, president of special projects. In the next few weeks we're going to throw everything you know about business out of the window and do it our own way. Are your minds blown? So, how did this special project come about anyway? Well, I interviewed to be the manager of your branch. [points to Jim] After you decided I wasn't 'a good fit-' Jim: It was- Nellie: Ah! It was. I went on a shopping spree. Very destructive. I bought thirteen pianos. Then I realized, what if Sabre had a store? Hmm? So I called Jo, old friend, founder of Sabre, and I told her and she grabbed me by the shoulders and she said, 'Yes!' So let's talk about the Sabre store then. Probably gonna look stupid, right? Like a big turd with a door on the front, right? What do you think it should look like? Cathy: Um, it might be fun if each store had a different theme, like a beach one, a winter one, a jungle one. Nellie: No, not a big fan of the winter aesthetic. Cathy: Well that was just one idea. It doesn't have to be winter. Nellie: Oh, no, it does. It does. It has to be winter, and I reject it. So I drew up a design concept. Probably gonna be rubbish, right? Would you like to look at it? Just so you could laugh at it. Erin: Yeah! Nellie: Let me just get the projector working. Dwight: Uh. [eats antacids] Jim: You got to stop with the antacids. It's not the antidote. Dwight: You didn't poison me, it's just stress. Jim: Okay. Dwight: What is the antidote? Jim: True love's kiss. Nellie: Jim, help me lower this screen. You're a big, tall man. [points to Ryan] You'd be hilarious trying to do it, like a little boy. Just let go of his balloon. Dwight: I'll do it! I always say, 'You want something done right? Ask Dwight.' Right? Dwight. Right? Dwight. Right Dwight, right Dwight. Sorry, now you'll never be able to get that out of your head. [reaches up, whimpers] Packer: I can do it. Dwight: Mmm! [screams, pulls down screen] There we go. Dwight: [on phone] Yes, a complete inability to pass gas, pervert. Ugh, yeah, it's tender. It can't be appendicitis, I eat more than enough bacon. Okay, what poison mimics the symptoms of appendicitis? Oh, you don't know? Hold on. [to Jim] What kind of poison did you use? Jim: Dwight, I didn't poison you. I was kidding. Dwight: Yeah, I'm gonna need an ambulance. Hold on, I have the address in my phone. [sees chart on screen] Hold on. Hold on one second. Uh, quick question. Vice president, uh, who is that? There's no name listed. Nellie: Is there not? Maybe I'm just waiting for someone to wow me. [winks] Emergency Operator: Sir? Sir, where should we send the ambulance? Dwight: Send it to the frickin' moon, idiot. Packer: I tell you what though, since my move down to Florida I've really gotten back into hunting big time. Nellie: Hunting's so primal. Almost sexual. Packer: Totally. I mean, I'd never bang an animal, you can hardly tell the difference between a boy or a girl, you know, but hunting's intense. Dwight: You talking about hunting? I love hunting. I'm a master hunter. Packer: Did you say 'masturbator?' Dwight: I'm a decent baiter. My cousin Mose, that's a master baiter. Nellie: Why are you sitting down like that? Dwight: Why is everyone else standing up? Okay team, let's get back to work! Break's over! Jim: Wow. Are you that bored? Stanley: It's just rum. I'm not bored, I'm a pirate. Jim: Is that another motto? Stanley: It's whatever you want. [offers Jim the bottle] Jim: Mmm. Stanley: Or do you only drink with your kids? Jim: Ah, let's do it. [laughs] Oh, that's healthy. Jim: I've spent so much of my life telling myself 'Please, don't end up like Stanley,' and now I'm wondering if I even have what it takes. Nellie: We have the Sabre Pyramid, right? Hmm? We've got a bunch of humans. You guys, humans... pyramid. Human pyramid. Do you follow? It's a team-building exercise. You'll love it. Who's in? Hmm? Packer: Yup. Tallahassee, let's go. Erin: Jim, are you in? Jim: Oh, I don't know. Stanley: Sounds like a hoot. I'm in. Jim: All right, what the heck? Let's do it. Packer: This is great. This is gonna be great. Nellie: I feel like I'm in ancient Egypt. Dwight: I'll be on top. It's the most important position. Ryan: Dude, I think you have appendicitis. Dwight: [tries to climb human pyramid] Ahh! Ryan: Dwight? Jim: Dwight, why don't we just hold off with the human pyramids for a while? Dwight: Everyone stop moving! Everyone stop wiggling! Oh, I feel like I'm gonna vomit! Packer: Dude, don't you yak on me. This shirt is Van Heusen. Dwight: [groans] Stop moving! Jim: No one's moving! Dwight: Oh! [collapses] Everyone: Oh, oh! [general commotion] Dwight: Arrest Jim. He poisoned me. Jim: Wha- no. No, it was not a poisoning. Jim: The one thing Pam made sure I knew, Florida's pretty loose with the death penalty. Paramedic: You need an operation. You have appendicitis. Ryan: Oh! Who called it? Nothin' but net. Erin: How long will he be gone? Paramedic: Two or three days. Dwight: Don't remember me like this. Remember me as the man who pulled down the screen. Packer: Drama queen, am I right? Dwight: [to phone] Phillip, if you're hearing this memo, that can only mean one thing, I'm dead. You are the rightful heir to Schrute Farms. Please, you must do one thing. Kill Mose before he kills you. [presses button] Mose, hey, it's Dwight. Listen, yeah, I just want to give you a heads-up. Packer: That was an interesting diversion. Shall we get back to the meeting? Pam: Whoa, are those mini pizzas? Andy: Yeah, I figured we'd keep things savory while Oscar's mouth is in canker country. I also have some bacon-wrapped dates on deck. Kevin: Look at these little mini pizzas. Does this make me look huge? [giggles] Hey guys, look at me, I'm huge. Andy: Hey Darryl, good news, your fax went through. Darryl: Oh [bleep] yeah. Andy: Up high. Darryl: Yes sir. Thanks. Andy: Dunder Mifflin, this is Andy. [whispers to Kelly] I put out some new magazines, check it out. Creed: Ah, Dwell. Andy: I'm acting like I like reception and I'm a really good actor, so people are actually buying that I actually like reception, but, I mean, seriously, reception sucks. [phone rings] Oh, there's the phone! Dwight: I just got out of surgery. What's going on? Fill me in. Erin: Well, we broke into groups and the groups are doing presentations later. Dwight: Who's doing the presentations? Erin: Packer's giving one. [Dwight growls] Jim'll probably give ours, I guess. Dwight: Damn it! Erin: Let's see, what else have you missed? Ryan switched his name tag to his pants, so now it's like if you wear yours on your shirt, you're a total dip, but if you switch, you're a copycat. But I think I figured out a solution. What else? My shoes are gonna- Packer: #NAME? Nellie: Very good point. Dwight: Yeah Todd, decent idea. Obvious, but interesting. Nellie: Dwight, are you all right? Dwight: I'm great. How are you? Dwight: What's our presentation about? Jim: Dwight, will you go back to the hospital? You were there for like three hours. Dwight: I got the surgery, what else is there to do? Erin: Do a hundred jumping jacks. Dwight: No, I don't feel like it. You do a hundred jumping jacks. Erin: I don't feel like it either! Erin: [doing jumping jacks] Ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine- Dwight: I want that vice-presidency. Jim: You haven't done any of the research. Dwight: You're too slow, you're too small, Seabiscuit is a stupid name.' You guys sound just like the enemies of Seabiscuit. I'm going to do it. Stanley: Aw, let him do it. Jim: Stanley, are you listening to music? Stanley: Yup. Dwight: All right, who's ready for the next presentation? Nellie: Ah, what is your topic? Dwight: What is our topic? Oh, what a topic it is. Erin: Retail consumer habits. Dwight: Really? Okay. Retail consumer habits is... [sighs] The only thing you need to know about retail consumer habits is that consumers are mindless lemmings. They just want to be told what to do. [Erin makes the first slide appear] Fast forward to today, and the retail consumer is independent, well-informed, super smart. Super smart. Okay. Dwight: Shopping habits are both seasonal and cyclical. What does this mean? Ryan: I can field this one. Dwight: No, sit down. 'Seasonal.' Well, the Christmas shopping season is certainly a busy one, back-to-school is, as well, and in early summer it seems to slow down a bit, but shopping is also cyclical. The menstrual cycle determines every choice a woman makes. You see, during ovulation, a woman's only goal is to get pregnant, and during menses, she is sad that she has failed. And how does the woman console herself? Shopping. Shopping. Just- Jim, could you fetch me some ice chips? Thank you. Just gonna... take a... brief pause at this point. [Jim gives Dwight a bowl of ice chips] Thank you. [Dwight sticks his head in the bowl] Oh, God. Next slide. Andy: Mail call! [sings] His name is Oscar, and he got some mail, and he better open it, or go to jail 'cause it's your taxes. His name is Kevin, and no mail for him, but he got a coupon, for some frozen... yogurt. Kevin: Are those the lyrics? Dwight: Anderson's three pillars of retail. Crucial. So important. Next. Are there any questions? Nellie: What are the three pillars of retail? Erin: [whispers] Convenience. Dwight: Ingredients. Erin: Service. Dwight: Burgers. Erin: Building loyalty. Dwight: Killing royalty. The truth be told, we should really disregard Anderson's three pillars. He was later diagnosed with dementia. You know what is important? Is Dwight's pillars, and there is only one: desire. Do we have a desire to dominate the retail space? Not just succeed in it, but to dominate, and looking around this room I'm not so sure that we do, but we can get there, and I can lead us there, and that is all that matters. Nellie: Very true. Where there's a will, there's a way. I once spent a passionate night with Hugh Grant's brother, John Grant. He's older than Hugh, just a little bit uglier. How did I pull that off? Sheer force of will. That is very good, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you very much. Any other questions? Jim? Jim: You are bleeding through your shirt. Dwight: Oops. That's embarrassing. Egg on my face. [ties jacket around wound] Ah. Pam: Hey, having fun? Andy: Yes I am, as a matter of fact. Pam: Well I know how it is. I know it's a lot of fun. I don't know how it is. Andy, this is a lame job. What are you doing here? Andy: I found my calling. Darryl: Andy, when I was twelve years old, we did a field trip, a lock-in at the zoo. I met this girl, I thought she was so perfect. I was in love with her. But when the sun came up, I knew it wasn't real, 'cause she was ugly and I had grown tired of her. I know you want reception today, but tomorrow you won't want to do her. She's a dog. Pam: Guys, I don't like this analogy. Andy: [groans] Ugh! Fine. Did you see this? [points to pens in cup] Pam: It's nice. Andy: I mean... [Pam giggles] Nellie: How are you feeling? Dwight: Amazing. Just lost four ounces of appendix, already replaced it with muscle. Nellie: Can I see the wound? Dwight: [show her the wound] Oh God. Nellie: Oh! That's disgusting. That's barely healed. Dwight: You're not paying me to heal, you're paying me to kick ass. Nellie: A few hours ago, your body was open like a cabinet. Dwight: That's right. Nellie: That is amazing. Todd, look at that. Packer: Oh, yikes. Incoming- [tries to touch the wound] Dwight: Ah! Not so fast. Nellie: Would you come in early tomorrow so we can talk about the store over breakfast? I feel you [points to both] have a lot to offer. Packer: It would be an honor, ma'am. Dwight: I'll go ahead and cancel my post-op check-up right now. Dwight: I had two goals today. The first was to make myself the clear candidate for vice president. I achieved that, no thanks to my appendix. The second was to find a memorable souvenir for Philip. For that, I do have to thank my appendix. Andy: [answers the reception phone] Dunder Mifflin, how can I help you save money on paper? This is Andrew. Donna Muraski: Hi Andrew. What happened to Erin? Andy: Oh, she's on an assignment in Florida for a couple of weeks. Donna Muraski: Oh, good for her. She's such a sweetheart. You tell her Donna Muraski misses her. Andy: I miss her too. Nellie: Everyone, we have a very special guest. He turned an idea into a store, into hundreds of stores. I give you Wally Amos, founder of Famous Amos Cookies. [cheers, claps] Wally Amos: Aloha, aloha, aloha. So I hear you're all looking to bake up some dough in the sales game. Well, back when I was regular Amos- Stanley: What's under the cloth? Wally Amos: We'll get to that. Packer: Cookies. Bet you anything it's cookies. Wally Amos: It's cookies. Let me- let me finish my speech first. Nellie: Ah, we get the gist. It's just success and effort, isn't it? So just, don't be coy, make with the cookies! [everyone goes for the cookies] Erin: Famous, hi. I'm sure you get ideas for new cookies all the time, but I- Wally Amos: Is it oatmeal with no raisins? Erin: I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
The Singing Man: Morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The morning's here! Rachel Green: HEY!! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday! The Singing Man: Oh come on! Morning's here! Morning's here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here! Rachel Green: I hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy! Joey Tribbiani: Are you kidding? I love that guy! Morning's here! Morning is here- Rachel Green: Stop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small. Monica Geller: Hey, I have all the space I need. Just do what I did. Rachel Green: Monica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor! Monica Geller: Y'know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Okay, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live! Rachel Green: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Monica Geller: Okay. Joey Tribbiani: See, this is a great apartment. Monica Geller: Shut up! This place is a hole! Emily Waltham: Oh, blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring! Ross Geller: Huh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? Emily Waltham: He does that?! Ross Geller: Uh, I don't know, whatever. Emily Waltham: I think it makes you look really dangerous. Ross Geller: Oh, I know. Y'know what, I never would've gotten this if it weren't for you. No really, when I'm with you I'm-I'm like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy! Emily Waltham: I love both of you! Ross Geller: Yeah? Emily Waltham: I wish I didn't have to go. Ross Geller: Then don't. Stay here. Just don't go so soon to London, just one more day. Emily Waltham: Ohh, Ross, please! Ross Geller: One more day, seriously/ Emily Waltham: Don't do this to me, again. You'd know I'd stay here in a minute, but I'd really miss so much work, they'll fire me. Ross Geller: So, then you can stay as long as you want. Emily Waltham: I wish I could. Ross Geller: Oh no. Don't, don't, don't start packing. Come on! Emily Waltham: I don't think you understand packing. Look, I just don't want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I left in such a rush, I left my knickers here. Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on. Emily Waltham: You didn't! Ross Geller: No. No, I didn't. I didn't want to be that guy. Phoebe Buffay: Hello! Chandler Bing: Ho! Ho! Ho! Phoebe Buffay: Excuse me. Chandler Bing: Your pants! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, yeah! You like 'em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable! Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants. Phoebe Buffay: What? Chandler Bing: Santa pants. Santa Claus's pants. Phoebe Buffay: Nuh-uh! They're maternity pants. They even came with a list of baby names. See, these names are good, and these names are bad. Ohh. Rachel Green: Hey! Monica Geller: Hey! Rachel Green: So-Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves? Phoebe Buffay: I don't know! How are the-the-the-the, y'know-You're clothes aren't funny. Monica Geller: Hey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game? Chandler Bing: Uhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don't belong here." Joey Tribbiani: You have Knicks tickets? Rachel Green: Yeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave them to me. Monica Geller: Yeah, apparently, they're pretty good seats. Rachel Green: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! Rachel Green: Do you guys want these? Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Chandler Bing: Yeah we do! Rachel Green: Ohh, well you got 'em. Both: All right! Rachel Green: Just give us our apartment back! Phoebe Buffay: Boy! I didn't see that coming! Chandler Bing: Are you serious? Rachel Green: Oh, come on! We know what these are worth. Monica Geller: Yeah, what, do you think we're stupid? Joey Tribbiani: You're not stupid. You're meaner than I thought. Monica Geller: What do you say? Chandler Bing: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats! Rachel Green: You're bachelor pad?! Monica Geller: Have you even had a girl up here? Chandler Bing: No. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, you do! Joey Tribbiani: Come on! Chandler Bing: Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? Gunther: Good one. Joey Tribbiani: Come on, season tickets! Season tickets, do you know what that means? Chandler Bing: Forget it! Okay, I'm not giving up the apartment. Joey Tribbiani: Oh come-look, when I was a kid my dad's company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! Of course, he wasn't in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that! Ross Geller: Hey, guys! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Chandler Bing: Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani: We don't make enough fun of you already? Ross Geller: Oh yeah, Emily convinced me to do it. Chandler Bing: You do know that Wham broke up? Ross Geller: I like it, and Emily likes it, and that's what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing? Joey Tribbiani: Oh-no, don't try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear. Chandler Bing: Where is Emily? Ross Geller: Ugh, she's saying good-bye to her uncle. Chandler Bing: Man, didn't she like just get here? Ross Geller: Yeah!! Yeah! Chandler Bing: Easy tiger. Ross Geller: I just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it's-it's so great. But at the same time I'm thinking, "Well, I'm gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off." Chandler Bing: So what are you going to do? Ross Geller: Nothing! There's nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she'd have to uh, move here. She should move here! Joey Tribbiani: What? Ross Geller: I could ask her to live with me! Chandler Bing: Are you serious? Ross Geller: I mean, why not! I mean, I mean why not?! Chandler Bing: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Okay, I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with! Ross Geller: Look guys, when I'm with her it's-it's-it's like she brings this-this-this great side out of me. I mean I-I-I love her, y'know? Chandler Bing: And I love the milk! But, I'm not gonna some British girl to move in with me! Joey, you say things now. Joey Tribbiani: All right look, Ross, he's right. Emily's great, she's great! But this way too soon, you're only gonna scare her! Ross Geller: I don't want to do that. Joey Tribbiani: No! You don't want to wreck it, you don't want to go to fast! Ross Geller: Yeah, no, you're right, I know, you're right, I'm not, I'm not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. Chandler Bing: Okay, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. Phoebe Buffay: That's too hard. Too hard! Monica Geller: All right boys, last chance for the tickets! Rachel Green: Or I'll give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua. Chandler Bing: No thank you. Joey Tribbiani: Wait-wait-wait-wait! Come on! Come on, let's trade! The timing's perfect, I just clogged the toilet! Chandler Bing: Look, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Okay, but we can't leave in the small apartment after we've lived here! Didn't you ever read Flowers for Algernon? Joey Tribbiani: Yes! Didn't you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn't read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight! Chandler Bing: Look, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats. Joey Tribbiani: It's the Knicks! Chandler Bing: Screw the Knicks! Joey Tribbiani: Whoa! Chandler Bing: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more. Joey Tribbiani: Huh. Chandler Bing: And the Knicks rule all. Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, the Knicks rule all! Phoebe Buffay: Hey, so? Are you gonna do it? Chandler Bing: No. No. We're not gonna do that, y'know why? Because its not an even trade. Rachel Green: All right, okay, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets? Joey Tribbiani: Done! Rachel Green: Let me finish. Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Rachel Green: I'm talking about a bet, winner takes all. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, we could end up with nothing. Phoebe Buffay: Or you could end up with everything. Joey Tribbiani: Ooh, I like that. Monica Geller: All right, so what do you say? Chandler Bing: No! Monica Geller: Oh, just do it!! Chandler Bing: Op, op, I'm convinced! Joey Tribbiani: Come on man, you know I'd do it for you! Because, you're my best friend. Chandler Bing: All right, but you can't use that again for a whole year. I'm in. Joey Tribbiani: All right! Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what are you going to bet? Rachel Green: Oh, okay, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she's the only who's impartial, and she's so pretty. Phoebe Buffay: Okay. Umm, ooh, ooh-oh, I have a game! Joey Tribbiani: Okay! Chandler Bing: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: This is great! Joey Tribbiani: What's the game?! What's the game?! Phoebe Buffay: Oh, well, it doesn't have a name-oh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesn't have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees? Monica Geller: They're green? Phoebe Buffay: Good! Good! Five points! Phoebe Buffay: All right, Joey, same question. Joey Tribbiani: Uhh, they're tall. Phoebe Buffay: Ooh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy. Monica Geller: That's not even a game! Rachel Green: What? Shut up! We're winning! Monica Geller: You wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say? Chandler Bing: Fine, let's do it. Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have cards! Joey Tribbiani: Oh. Monica Geller: Oh, good. Phoebe Buffay: Yeah! Here! Oh no, these are the trick deck. Okay. Here yes. Okay. Chandler Bing: Okay, you guys uh, you guys pick first Rachel Green: Okay. Monica Geller: Okay. Four. Chandler Bing: That's a low one! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Okay. Phoebe, you look, I can't. Phoebe Buffay: What make you think I can?! Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Okay. Ace! Chandler Bing: Why are you screaming and hugging? Monica Geller: Because we won our apartment back! Joey Tribbiani: What? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace! Monica Geller: No! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four! Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! Ah-ha! Rachel Green: All right, cut, let's pick again, pick again. Joey Tribbiani: Okay. Rachel Green: Come on apartment! Come on apartment! Oh! I know queen is high! Joey Tribbiani: Uh-huh, not as high as... It worked! King! Chandler Bing: Yeah baby! Monica Geller: But, we pick again! We pick again! Joey Tribbiani: Why?! Monica Geller: I don't know! Chandler Bing: Tickets please! That's courtside baby! Joey Tribbiani: Seriously, good game though. Good game. What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back! Chandler Bing: No they didn't! Ross Geller: Hey! Emily Waltham: I packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow. Ross Geller: Move in with me. Emily Waltham: What?! Ross Geller: Don't be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it's too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be. Emily Waltham: Ohh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there. Ross Geller: I know. Emily Waltham: My job! Ross Geller: Well, so, you-you'll get a job here! I mean, I'm always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in here and stealing American jobs; that could be you! Emily Waltham: Yeah, but it-it-it's my whole life-you come to England. Ross Geller: No, I can't. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can't leave him. Isn't-you don't think there's any way? Emily Waltham: Ohh, I don't think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future and-and-and we were getting married or something. Ross Geller: What? Emily Waltham: Oh no, no, right I shouldn't have said married. Uh, please don't go freaky on me. I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't say it; I take it back! Ross Geller: No, no, don't. Why don't we? Emily Waltham: Why don't we what? Ross Geller: Get married. Emily Waltham: You are mad! Ross Geller: No! No! I'm not! It's-it's-it's perfect! I mean it's better than you just-just moving here, 'cause it's us together forever, and that's-that's what I want. Emily Waltham: We've only known each other for six weeks! Ross Geller: Yeah, I know, so what? I mean, who's-who's to say? Does that me we-we can't do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn't it? Emily Waltham: My parents are going to be really mad. Ross Geller: Is that-are you saying yes? Is that yes? Emily Waltham: Yes. Emily Waltham: Yes! Ross Geller: Yes! We're getting married?! Emily Waltham: Oh my God! Ross Geller: Yes! Emily Waltham: We're getting married! Ross Geller: Come here, come here. Uh, ow! Emily, will you marry me? Emily Waltham: Yes. Emily Waltham: Ohh, it's a bit small. Ross Geller: Damn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell! Emily Waltham: It was. Chandler Bing: Those were like the best seats ever. Joey Tribbiani: Oh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? Y'know, kinda like a peace offering. Chandler Bing: Oh yeah, that's very nice. Plus, y'know they were free and they're too small. Chandler Bing: Oh. Oh, God! Joey Tribbiani: Hey, want a beer? WHOA!!!! Chandler Bing: I KNOW!!! Chandler Bing: Open up! Open up! Open up! Monica Geller: We'll discuss it, in the morning! Chandler Bing: What the hell is going on?! Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!! Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it. Chandler Bing: We are switching back, right now! Monica Geller: No, we're not! We're not leaving! Chandler Bing: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe? Joey Tribbiani: I don't know. Chandler Bing: What? Joey Tribbiani: I don't want to move again! Chandler Bing: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now! Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer. Chandler Bing: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us! Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and... Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute. Chandler Bing: Totally worth it! Joey Tribbiani: That was one good minute! Chandler Bing: Good night. Joey Tribbiani: Good night. Monica Geller: Men are such idiots. Rachel Green: Yeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back? Phoebe Buffay: That's so funny to think if you'd just done that right after the last contest, no one would have had to move at all. Monica Geller: Yeah, let-let-let's pretend that's not true. Rachel Green: Yeah. Phoebe Buffay: Okay, scarf's done. Ross Geller: Come on! Come on. Come on. Chandler Bing: Okay! Phoebe Buffay: Hey! Ross Geller: Hey! Monica Geller: What-what's going on? Joey Tribbiani: Ross has some big thing to tell everyone. Ross Geller: Uhh, okay, it's uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married. Phoebe Buffay: What? Oh, are you pregnant too?! Emily Waltham: Umm, no. Monica Geller: When, when did-how, how did you... Ross Geller: We, we just decided to uh, to go for it. Emily Waltham: I mean, we know it's a bit hasty but, uh, it just feels so right, so... Ross Geller: Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys... Rachel Green: Yeah, I-I heard. I think it's great! Ohh, I'm so happy for you! Chandler Bing: Oh, well, that's great! Joey Tribbiani: Yeah! Yeah! Monica Geller: I can't believe you're getting married! Ross Geller: Yeah. Joey Tribbiani: Monica and Rachel made out. The Singing Man: Morning's here! The morning's here! Both: Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The Singing Man: Hey! You're back! Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Get into gear! The Singing Man: Breakfast is near! Both: The dark of night has disappeared!! The Singing Man: I'll see you tomorrow morning! Joey Tribbiani: Okay!

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