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and i wasn't afraid to think either. | [
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that was not the way. | [
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"you are an awful good sort to listen like this," he said. | [
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you don't" . . . words seemed to fail him. | [
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i was aggrieved against him, as though he had cheated me-me!--of a splendid opportunity to keep up the illusion of my beginnings, as though he had robbed our common life of the last spark of its glamour. "and so you cleared out-at once." | [
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'he had been walking up and down, but with the last word he turned short at me. | [
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you were not sure," i said, and was placated by the sound of a faint sigh that passed between us like the flight of a bird in the night. | [
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'"one couldn't be sure," he muttered. | [
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'"it is difficult to see a hair at midnight," i put in, a little viciously i fear. | [
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he fixed me with lowering eyes. | [
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it was a distinct glimpse. | [
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no! by heavens! | [
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you said you would believe." "of course i do," i protested, in a matter of fact tone which produced a calming effect. "forgive me," he said. | [
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they made up a story, and believed it for all i know. | [
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it was the sort of thing one does not expect to happen to one. | [
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what did it prove after all? | [
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and, anyhow, if i had stuck to the ship i would have done my best to be saved. | [
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'"i would have meant to be," he retorted. | [
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surely in no other craft as in that of the sea do the hearts of those already launched to sink or swim go out so much to the youth on the brink, looking with shining eyes upon that glitter of the vast surface which is only a reflection of his own glances full of fire. | [
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"it does me good. | [
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i wanted it: it is the very thing i wanted-there. | [
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confound it! | [
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it was something. . . . | [
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"well, yes! | [
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i ought to have known . . . | [
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but i knew the truth, and i would live it down-alone, with myself. | [
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i wasn't going to give in to such a beastly unfair thing. | [
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he was looking me squarely in the face, and withdrew his gaze slowly. | [
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"it was something like that wretched story they made up. | [
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"not the breadth of a hair between this and that. | [
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"now you understand why i didn't after all . . . didn't go out in that way. | [
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do you think you or anybody could have made me if i . . . | [
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he meditated, with his legs slightly apart and his chin sunk. | [
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but i had plenty of time and any amount of light in that boat. | [
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say a minute-half a minute. | [
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'"suppose i had not-i mean to say, suppose i had stuck to the ship? well. | [
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'"well, i wasn't," he said courageously. | [
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you must! . . . | [
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i wasn't going to be frightened at what i had done. | [
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he was a youngster of the sort you like to see about you; of the sort you like to imagine yourself to have been; of the sort whose appearance claims the fellowship of these illusions you had thought gone out, extinct, cold, and which, as if rekindled at the approach of another flame, give a flutter deep, deep down somewhere, give a flutter of light . . . of heat! . . . | [
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i looked it in the face. | [
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and at the time . . ." | [
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'"it was not," i admitted. | [
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you've got to believe that, too. i did not want all this talk. . . . | [
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i might have lasted it out better than many others. there's nothing the matter with my heart." he withdrew his right fist from his pocket, and the blow he struck on his chest resounded like a muffled detonation in the night. | [
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i am-i am-a gentleman too . . ." "yes, yes," i said hastily. | [
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how much longer? | [
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"no! the proper thing was to face it out-alone for myself-wait for another chance-find out . . ."' | [
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there were perfumes in it, suggestions of infinite repose, the gift of endless dreams. | [
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the majority were men who, like himself, thrown there by some accident, had remained as officers of country ships. | [
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the patna was a local steamer as old as the hills, lean like a greyhound, and eaten up with rust worse than a condemned water tank. | [
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he knew the magic monotony of existence between sky and water: he had to bear the criticism of men, the exactions of the sea, and the prosaic severity of the daily task that gives bread-but whose only reward is in the perfect love of the work. | [
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his lameness, however, persisted, and when the ship arrived at an eastern port he had to go to the hospital. | [
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nothing offered just then, and, while waiting, he associated naturally with the men of his calling in the port. | [
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some, very few and seen there but seldom, led mysterious lives, had preserved an undefaced energy with the temper of buccaneers and the eyes of dreamers. | [
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the awnings covered the deck with a white roof from stem to stern, and a faint hum, a low murmur of sad voices, alone revealed the presence of a crowd of people upon the great blaze of the ocean. | [
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she cleared the strait, crossed the bay, continued on her way through the 'one degree' passage. | [
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they loved short passages, good deck chairs, large native crews, and the distinction of being white. | [
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yet he could not go back, because there is nothing more enticing, disenchanting, and enslaving than the life at sea. | [
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after two years of training he went to sea, and entering the regions so well known to his imagination, found them strangely barren of adventure. he made many voyages. | [
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they shuddered at the thought of hard work, and led precariously easy lives, always on the verge of dismissal, always on the verge of engagement, serving chinamen, arabs, half castes-would have served the devil himself had he made it easy enough. | [
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the patna, with a slight hiss, passed over that plain, luminous and smooth, unrolled a black ribbon of smoke across the sky, left behind her on the water a white ribbon of foam that vanished at once, like the phantom of a track drawn upon a lifeless sea by the phantom of a steamer. | [
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the fear grows shadowy; and imagination, the enemy of men, the father of all terrors, unstimulated, sinks to rest in the dullness of exhausted emotion. | [
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eight hundred men and women with faith and hopes, with affections and memories, they had collected there, coming from north and south and from the outskirts of the east, after treading the jungle paths, descending the rivers, coasting in praus along the shallows, crossing in small canoes from island to island, passing through suffering, meeting strange sights, beset by strange fears, upheld by one desire. | [
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directly he could walk without a stick, he descended into the town to look for some opportunity to get home. | [
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jim saw nothing but the disorder of his tossed cabin. | [
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0... | 196 |
at the call of an idea they had left their forests, their clearings, the protection of their rulers, their prosperity, their poverty, the surroundings of their youth and the graves of their fathers. | [
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chapter two | [
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... | 196 |
he did not care what the end would be, and in his lucid moments overvalued his indifference. | [
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such were the days, still, hot, heavy, disappearing one by one into the past, as if falling into an abyss for ever open in the wake of the ship; and the ship, lonely under a wisp of smoke, held on her steadfast way black and smouldering in a luminous immensity, as if scorched by a flame flicked at her from a heaven without pity. | [
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these were of two kinds. | [
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and under the sinister splendour of that sky the sea, blue and profound, remained still, without a stir, without a ripple, without a wrinkle-viscous, stagnant, dead. | [
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... | 196 |
in time, beside the original disdain there grew up slowly another sentiment; and suddenly, giving up the idea of going home, he took a berth as chief mate of the patna. | [
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the nights descended on her like a benediction. | [
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that truth is not so often made apparent as people might think. | [
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besides, his prospects were good. | [
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they were attuned to the eternal peace of eastern sky and sea. | [
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a string of servants followed, loaded with his luggage; the patna cast off and backed away from the wharf. | [
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this reward eluded him. | [
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the danger, when not seen, has the imperfect vagueness of human thought. | [
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she was headed between two small islets, crossed obliquely the anchoring ground of sailing ships, swung through half a circle in the shadow of a hill, then ranged close to a ledge of foaming reefs. | [
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to jim that gossiping crowd, viewed as seamen, seemed at first more unsubstantial than so many shadows. | [
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the five whites on board lived amidships, isolated from the human cargo. | [
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... | 196 |
she held on straight for the red sea under a serene sky, under a sky scorching and unclouded, enveloped in a fulgor of sunshine that killed all thought, oppressed the heart, withered all impulses of strength and energy. | [
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he lay there battened down in the midst of a small devastation, and felt secretly glad he had not to go on deck. | [
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... | 196 |
they appeared to live in a crazy maze of plans, hopes, dangers, enterprises, ahead of civilisation, in the dark places of the sea; and their death was the only event of their fantastic existence that seemed to have a reasonable certitude of achievement. | [
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he walked slowly aboard, handsome and grave in his white gown and large turban. | [
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but now and again an uncontrollable rush of anguish would grip him bodily, make him gasp and writhe under the blankets, and then the unintelligent brutality of an existence liable to the agony of such sensations filled him with a despairing desire to escape at any cost. then fine weather returned, and he thought no more about it. | [
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his recovery was slow, and he was left behind. | [
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they came from solitary huts in the wilderness, from populous campongs, from villages by the sea. | [
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chapter four | [
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outside the court the sun blazed-within was the wind of great punkahs that made you shiver, the shame that made you burn, the attentive eyes whose glance stabbed. | [
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the face of the presiding magistrate, clean shaved and impassible, looked at him deadly pale between the red faces of the two nautical assessors. | [
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the light of a broad window under the ceiling fell from above on the heads and shoulders of the three men, and they were fiercely distinct in the half light of the big court room where the audience seemed composed of staring shadows. | [
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facts! | [
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'after you had concluded you had collided with something floating awash, say a water logged wreck, you were ordered by your captain to go forward and ascertain if there was any damage done. | [
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'i did not,' said jim. 'i was told to call no one and to make no noise for fear of creating a panic. | [
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i thought the precaution reasonable. | [
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i took one of the lamps that were hung under the awnings and went forward. after opening the forepeak hatch i heard splashing in there. | [
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i knew then there must be a big hole below the water line.' he paused. | [
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0.... | 196 |
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