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"Percy Shaw invented the cat's eyes and he is from Halifax."
1304: Jim Furyk can only bogey the last to finish on two under overall, with playing partner Niclas Fasth seeing out a brilliant 69 with six pars on the trot and he lies two over. Nick Dougherty will also be in the next round after completing a round of 74, leaving him three over.
"Players have found it hard work today, and that has been reflected in the scores. It means something like a round of 70 will not be a bad score at all. It's all been a bit of a struggle."
1301: News just in for all those who are desperate to know what kind of clothing monstrosity Ian Poulter will be sporting today - it looks like a mix of deep purple and navy. He has also complained of having a migraine, which is no surprise given that horrific clash of colours surely.
1255: Excellent birdie effort from Garcia at 12 as a 40-foot putt drops inches short of the hole, the Spaniard cleaning up for another par.
1254: "Luke Donald was just describing how the noise of a club jangling put him off as he ran up a triple-bogey eight at the 6th on his way to a 76 for four over. The club in question belonged to amateur partner Llewellyn Matthews of Wales, and the sound was the club settling in the bag. Donald wasn't in anyway attaching blame, merely pointing out some of the circumstances surrounding his blip.
"When asked if he'd ever done that sort of thing himself, Donald said: 'I got told off by Vijay Singh a couple of years ago for making a noise with the Velcro on my glove. He's got very sensitive ears. I think I apologised and then did it again a couple of holes later.'"
1246: Lee Westwood storms back into the mix with a quite brilliant eagle three at the 14th, leaving himself little more than a six-footer to hole after two fabulous woods.
"Re: McIlroy's girlfriend (see 1151). All I know is that her name is Holly. Other McIlroy trivia: He is from Holywood in Northern Ireland (population 12,000). When asked if anyone else famous is from there yesterday, he revealed that the guy who invented cat's eyes hails from the town. NB: I have no idea if that is true and as trivia goes it is thoroughly lame. Apologies."
1239: Sergio Garcia errs on the relatively easy 11th and can only bogey courtesy of a long putt, meaning his lead is cut back down to one. Rory McIlroy, meanwhile, trousers packed so tightly round his backside it's a wonder, erm, he can breathe, has now gone through the last four holes at one-under - including a par at the tricky 16th - and his tee at the 17th flies down the fairway.
1231: Great comedy from Miguel Angel Jimenez - and I'm not just talking about his ridiculous Mick Hucknall-esque hair - as he sends his tee shot on the par three 16th within a foot of the hole and then proceeds to act up like a spoilt child much to the gallery's delight. It was all in jest from the Spaniard, which is more than can be said for the barnet - is it for a bet do we think? He goes on to hole easily and that's the first birdie on 16 of the day.
"I have to happy with my total. I was striking the ball well but I left a lot of shots out there, especially with my putter."
Ernie Els, who struck a round of 70 to leave himself level par for the tournament.
1226: First mention of the day for the top Scot on the leaderboard, with Alastair Forsyth birdieing six to go back to two under and a tie for seventh. A bogey on the par-four third aside, Forsyth has been in terrific form so far this afternoon so things are looking rosy for the home support.
1223: Vijay Singh moves back to two under with a birdie at 14 after a wonderful pitch from the rough around the green, while Sergio Garcia narrowly misses a birdie attempt at 10 with an excellent putt from distance. The Spaniard has gone close a few times today and you wonder if he might regret not taking more chances when he gets on the more difficult last few holes.
1219: Top stuff from Johann Edfors, who having found the water hazard at 10 proceeds to drop it back in twice - forcing his caddy to go for a little paddle to fish it out. The Swede is clearly finding it hilarious, the caddy less so. Luke Donald, meanwhile, completes a difficult round of 76 and, at four over par, he will be waiting nervously to see if he has made the cut.
"Colin Montgomerie appears to have slept off yesterday's grump. He's dispensing jokes and bonhomie on the putting green, with Justin Rose the main, but not sole, recipient. Nick Faldo's also there, arriving one hour 53 minutes before his tee time."
1211: Your favourite and mine Boo Weekley birdies the sixth to pull him back to three under and to within three of Garcia's lead, and then narrowly misses another birdie opportunity at the seventh that would have drawn him alongside Paul McGinley in second.
1205: Welshman Bradley Dredge sees out his second round with two bogeys on the last three holes and he will not make the cut, standing as he does at eight over. A nice weekend off with his head in the new Harry Potter book for him, then.
"Apologies to all the TV viewers that have lost pictures from the golf - the Carnoustie style severe storms that have hit London took our satellites out. Apologies. Ironically there's bright sunshine up here now and would you believe it there is a queue at the ice cream van. This country."
1201: Hiccups for Padraig Harrington and Vijay Singh, the pair bogeying the 15th and 13th respectively to leave them both two under and four off the lead. The back nine at Carnoustie really is proving a nightmare, with all but the odd birdie available solely on the front holes. A word on another big mover for the day, though, as veteran Mark O'Meara birdies the sixth to go three under for the day, level par for the tournament.
"Am I on the correct website - I'm reading about an Irishman getting up and down brilliantly for his second birdie of the day - Where do these modern sportsmen get there energy?"
1147: Missed opportunity for Garcia at the eighth as his birdie attempt putt goes wide and he has to settle for a par. And, for those of you that are interested, while it's sunny and lovely in Carnoustie, near apocalyptic rains have arrived in west London. So while it's July in Scotland, it's clearly late November here. Rubbish.
"I don't want to reinforce the stereotype of women watching sport, but Sergio Garcia makes me come over all giggly."
1141: Well deserved cheer for Padraig Harrington at the 14th, the Irishman getting up and down brilliantly for his second birdie of the day, and he moves back to within three of Garcia. By the way, I don't want to send anyone into convulsions or anything, but I do believe I detect a bit of sunshine at Carnoustie. Hold on...yep, there are shadows on the fairway! Woohoo - it's July people!
1136: News coming through that Henrik Stenson faces a £1,000 fine for his toys-out-of-the-pram moment earlier. Geeze, that's gonna hurt the millionaire Swede isn't it. He's probably got it on him.
1130: Rory McIlroy has a bit of a hissy fit as his approach at the 12th goes long on the green - the sort of shot I would be talking about for hours in the pub afterwards had I hit it - and throws his club up in the air. Unfortunately for the youngster, his wrist action wasn't quite in place for the toss and it comes back and bonks him on the bonce. Silly boy.
"Please, please don't post any more pictures of the normally faceless online and backroom BBC pundits. They spoil the illusion of beauty."
1127: Jim Furyk pushes a short putt wide of the hole at the 12th to drop a shot and move to three-under, making Paul McGinley outright second once more.
"As a fellow Sky Blues fan i whole heartedly agree with Paul. Still, at least we haven't spent £6M on a 6ft lump with 2 left feet. The Brummies will be choking on their kipper ties. Happy days."
1124: Sergio Garcia's lead is back to two after he snatches a birdie at the sixth with a fabulous putt and the Spaniard looks so relaxed at the moment, all he's missing is a Long Island Ice Tea, pair of flip flops and a sun lounger.
"Boo Weekley is a ghost-hunter magazine."
"Boo Weekley sounds like a magazine for jeering enthusiasts. Along with its sister publications Cheer Monthly and the Applause Times."
1117: A quick thanks to Mark Orlovac who has filled in for the last 20 minutes or so while I grabbed a sandwich and did the tea run. I know - a man of my standing having to fetch tea for others I hear you say, it's not right is it? Although it did allow me to hear a wonderful story about Mrs Krankie from a friend which I would love to share with you. Alas, I fear the Corporation would not survive. Anyway, Lee Westwood gets rolling on my return, birdieing the eighth, to add to his birdie on the six, to move to one under.
1108: Furyk sinks the putt at the 11th and moves back alongside McGinley. All this movement is getting silly. Jimenez follows up his slip at the 9th with another at the 10th, sloppy stuff from our favourite cigar smoker (apart from Darren Clarke obviously).
1100: Furyk loses direction at the par-four 10th and slips back down to three under. He makes up for it though with a wonderful approach to the 11th green. Miguel Angel Jimenez drops a shot at the 9th is back on two under while Garcia sinks a tricky putt for par at the 5th.
"Just been chatting to Gary Lineker about all things golf. He's a very good player but he told me, 'my golf is very much like my football was, useless from long range, but not bad when I get close'. He tells you more about golf and what's going on at Carnoustie in our weekly BBC Sport e-mail newsletter. Why don't all you lovely people sign up and get involved. It's an award-winning read, it's only one email a week in your inbox and it's certainly better than receiving all those ones about Viagra. Do it."
Sign up for our e-mail newsletter!
1053: McIlroy pays the price for his poor iron play on nine and sinks a double bogey to fall back to par. Over on two - the brilliantly-named Boo Weekley (as Paul in Coventry says, it sounds like what Sky Blue fans do every seven days) - bogeys to slip to two under.
1049: And it's three birdies in a row for Vijay Singh, who moves into joint seventh and two-under with a three at the seventh. McIlroy's escape from the rough is OK without being spectacular and he has hit work cut out. Meanwhile, over on 10, Furyk chips onto the green from behind a tree but his ball is still a good 15-20 feet from the hole and he will do well to save par.
1046: More bad news for Northern Irishman Rory McIlroy as he finds the hazard on ninth - he'll do well to make bogey now, says BBC Sport pundit Sam Torrance. In non-golf-related news, Tottenham have somehow robbed Birmingham of £6m in exchange for Egyptian striker Mido - the world has gone mad, surely!
1042: Sergio Garcia's lead is reduced to one as he bogeys the fourth following a wayward approach to the green.
1040: And it would appear Stenson's vicious attack on a helpless tee marker had little positive impact - the Swede going on to make a triple bogey six at the eighth and slipping to four over. Clinical psychologist Jamil Qureshi (0727 entry) would have his work cut out sorting that mess.
"The crashed buggy belongs to Chevy Chase!"
1039: Paul Broadhurst is the first man home, shooting a par round with four birdies and four bogeys, and he looks pretty pleased with that - even par should be more than enough to make the cut. Nick Dougherty, meanwhile, continues his recovery after his first-hole double bogey with his second birdie of the round at the ninth.
1033: As my esteemed colleague just pointed out - it's all kicking off around Carnoustie today. First of all Henrik Stenson does his best to shank a tee marker out of the ground in a fit of fury after a wayward drive at the eighth, and then there's footage of a buggy crashed into a ditch on one of the holes. Who, why and where it was I don't know - perhaps one of you kind people could let me know?
1029: Apologies and thanks to those of you who pointed out I called Jim Furyk David Duval at 1017. I'm sure Duval is making a move of some sorts - maybe around his luxury apartment swimming pool or something - but not at Carnoustie. Jim Furyk on the other hand, is bang in contention after another impressive par at the eighth.
1025: Vijay Singh's work on the practice greens earlier (see 0704 entry) appears to be paying dividends as the Fijian birdies five and six to go one under. Andres Romero, meanwhile, moves back into contention courtesy of a superb eagle at the 14th.
"The Krankies live in Torquay, but they don't like you shouting 'oi, krankies' out of a car window at them."
1022: An update on the 606 situation - apparently there was a power outage at Siemens in Maidenhead due to extreme weather conditions. As a result all services are currently down and it may take some time to be corrected as people are struggling to get in to the office at Maidenhead due to the weather. Fear not, though, you can still text 81111 and you also enjoy the lottery of whether or not anyone will ever see your drivel - wonderful stuff!
"Rory McIlroy's chubby cheeks make him look like children 's TV screen spitting character Pob."
"Is it just me, or does Sergio Garcia sound like a rather exotic ice cream variety? Let's hope he keeps his cool today!"
1017: Jim Furyk is making his move people - the American birdieing six and seven to move alongside Paul McGinley in second at four under. By the way Anon via text - you are taking an absolute pasting in my inbox, most of which is not publishable, but all of which decries your comments as sacrilege and, at best, ill-informed. Not that you'll be reading this of course, what with this all being so dull hey...haha.
"Bashing a ball around a field with a stick eh? At least its not cricket!"
1009: Rory McIlroy goes past with his birdie attempt and it's a three-putt for par, shame. Strange address of the ball the Northern Irishman has, which lasts all of two seconds before he goes at it like a dog on heat. Might need tweaking later in his career you feel.
1005: Rory McIlroy gives himself an eagle chance at the sixth with a fine approach, but his putt is a little too short. He'll have a six-footer for birdie. Ernie Els, meanwhile, has had a few chances go begging today, but he makes no mistake on the 10th to make birdie and go one under. Over on the second, by the way, Phil Mickelson got away with a bogey after a penalty was issued for his drop.
0958: Padraig Harrington breaks the shackles of 'the par' with a fabulous long putt on the seventh for his first birdie of the day and that takes him to three under, three off the lead.
0953: Sergio Garcia saves par on the first following his fandabidosi third shot and he retains his two-shot lead. Whatever happened to the Krankies by the way? I'll never forget the day I was told the little one was a girl. Talk about how to confuse a young, naive lad like myself. Meanwhile, there's all a bit of a kerfuffle for Phil Mickelson on the second as he and the referee have a mother's meeting about a drop and a penalty. I'll let you know how it goes when they put the pipe and slippers away.
"What amazes me is not that grown men are bashing a ball around a field with a stick, it's the fact that you're sitting there telling us about it. You're a sad lot."
0946: Rory McIlroy's topsy-turvy start to his round continues as he two-putts on his way to bogey at the fifth, but Ireland's Padraig Harrington makes his second straight putt from range to save par at the sixth.
"Conditions are so much calmer out here today, but it still feels like going for a stroll on a crisp winter morning. There could be some serious scoring this morning."
0940: According to Ken Brown, Sergio Garcia's second shot rocketed off a woman's thigh in the crowd and into the rough. Or, as Ken put it, "Garcia's ball bounced off a young lady's thigh". Quite. Anyway, the Spaniard pulls out the shot of the tournament so far with his recovery, wedging out of the grass and to within a couple of feet of the pin. Jubbly.
0932: Sergio Garcia gets his second round under way with a decent tee shot off the first, firing a little left but finding a decent lie nonetheless. Absolute disaster for Luke Donald over on the eighth, though, the Englishman taking a triple-bogey eight at the par five and his round is falling away like a Rich Tea biscuit in a freshly-made hot cup of tea.
0930: Rory McIlroy makes the most of his opportunity, putting home from six feet for birdie following his wonderful approach on his second shot.
"There is absolutely no fear in this young man and he has played like a veteran at times these past couple of days."
0928: "Carnoustie awoke (very gingerly) to a thick but insulating blanket of grey cloud on Friday morning...and hit the snooze button.
"Not for too long, though, as "Our" Ernesto Els, John "Oh dear" Daly, Loooooke Donald, Angel "of the Gorse" Cabrera, Sergio (always best said with a "Hoylake" accent) and Rory "the Mullet" McIlroy are already out there.
"Out after the rain yesterday, and out now while the conditions for scoring could not be better, these chaps have had a right touch. The conditions for growing grapes and tanning, however, could not be worse. But then we haven't got a severe weather warning here so I suppose we mustn't grumble.
"Rob and I are off for a cup of tea by the putting green now. We are having our own private competition to see who can get more nods of recognition from golfers on their way to the 1st tee. It's a low scoring draw at the moment."
0925: Excellent recovery from Padraig Harrington, who digs out of the rough and then holes a tricky seven-footer to save par on the second. Over on the fourth, McIlroy produces a bit of mastery of his own as he plays out of the rough to within a few feet of the hole. Birdie chance.
0921: Ernie Els misses a putt from eight feet on the seventh to miss out on birdie, but the South African's approach play has been impressive so far this morning. Rory McIlroy, meanwhile, snaps his tee shot off the fourth a little right and he ends up in the rough.
0917: By the way, if you're trying to access 606 at the moment - which I would hope millions of you are - you may find you're unable to. The assessment in the office appears to be that it is, erm, 'bogeyed' (not the exact phrase used, but you get the idea) - but rest assured our technical wizards are weaving their magic and I'm sure it'll be up and running again soon.
0914: Not the best of starts for US Open winner Angel Cabrera, the Argentine compounding a bogey at the third with another on five and he is now just one under after his fine first-round 68.
0909: Oops! Rory McIlroy drops a shot on the second to slip back to two under, but it should just be a minor blip for the Northern Irishman, who gives himself a birdie chance on the third only to lip his putt in and out of the hole from 12 feet. Come on, son, keep your wits about you and you'll be fine.
"It has to be said - there is not enough Hazel Irvine on TV or the web! The babe of the BBC!"
0903: Disastrous start for English hopeful Nick Dougherty, who double bogeys the first to drop back to two over and eight shots off the lead.
0858: And Ernie Els, like Calum Best on a Friday night bar crawl, is getting among the birdies early doors as well - snatching a shot back at the fifth to go level par. Northern Irish amateur Rory McIlroy, meanwhile, posts a par on the first.
"It's a hive of activity in the BBC studio before going on air. Peter Alliss is checking talkback with the directors, Mark James and Ken Brown are studiously going through their notes and Gary Lineker is working through the running order for the opening. Barbecue legend (more of that later) Wayne Grady is reading the papers as he is not due on air till later."
"My mate, in the throes of a break-up, says he's caught between domesticity and the call of the wild. I told him his problems are simple. I, on the other hand, want to be Rory McIlroy."
0851: Well it's not just the English that are suffering at the moment - Andres Romero's impressive start is interrupted as he takes a double bogey six at the ninth to go back to one under.
0847: Yep - Danny has done the English up like a right kipper. Paul Broadhurst is the latest to dig deep in the nasal passage and root out a beauty as he posts a bogey on the 10th to slip back to two under. Anders Hansen is doing just fine, though, as the Dane fires a birdie on the sixth to move alongside the pack of nine on two under.
0840: Ouch! Danny from London puts the mockers on it all as England's fine start to the day comes to a crashing halt with big hope Luke Donald taking a double bogey six at the third. The Englishman found the bunker with his drive, missed the green with his third and then two-putted to slip back to level par and six off the lead.
"These English 'up' graphics make my screen look like the starting credits to Dad's Army. Keep them coming Luke and co!"
0832: While 14 birdies have already been sunk on this second day, Mark Hensby is feasting almost solely on a nine-year-old's choice dinner - the bogey. The Australian is four over for the day, 12 over overall, and is now joint last. Ouch.
0827: The eighth hole has proved a profitable one for many golfers already here this week, and Paul Broadhurst pulls alongside Anders Romero and five others with a birdie two, following a fabulous tee shot.
0821: A few of you have asked if I hit 'The Strip' last night and I must sadly inform you that, alas, I did not. Partly because I'm based in BBC towers down in London, with Matt Slater and Rob Hodgetts flying the online flag at Carnoustie. I did have a decent curry with a few mates, though, which eased the pain of being snubbed by my current squeeze. Don't you just 'love' it when they play all hard to get!
"Andres Romero cant keep up this pace all day - like all other Alpha Romeos I know, he will break down on the way home!"
"Blimey the weather is so much better in Carnoustie today. The sky is definitely a lighter shade of grey and I'm down to only three layers. The ice cream van opposite the 18th green is open for business already and I'm expecting it to double yesterday's sales of one Feast, a screwball and two Fab's."
0809: It's all about Andres Romero this morning - the Argentine moves into joint third with his fourth birdie of the day, this time on the sixth. Dane Anders Hansen is also enjoying himself, finding his second successive birdie on the fourth to move to two under.
0805: Luke Donald kicks off his second round with a par on the first and it's a steady start that. Playing partner Charles Howell III starts with a birdie and celebrates with a typically American high-five with father Charles Howell junior, or Charles Howell II if you will. How lazy are these people? Adding an 'I' onto your name does not constitute an effort if you ask me.
"Morning. I wonder how the Welsh funky 'up' graphic looks? Hopefully a few Welsh boys can get a few birdies so we can see it!"
"Class quote from the legend Peter Alliss on BBC2 last night when the omnipresent Hazel was waiting to interview Luke Donald... 'Lets go over to Hazel who's with Luke Donald... what a lovely pair'."
0755: Karen Stupples's assessment of the conditions appears to have been spot on - Paul Broadhurst joins the pack on two-under with a fine birdie on six, a bit of a turnaround for the Englishman, who bogeyed the hole on Thursday. Not only is Broady now the leading Englishman, it means I get to add a touch of colour to this commentary with the 'up' graphic - if you're looking on the website and not your mobile anyway. Jubbly.
"I haven't been to sleep all night, do you know any cure for women crying and stuff?"
Shaun - try ear plugs. Failing that, give her some flowers or chocolates - it never, ever fails. Ever. Sort of.
0741: Andres Romero is making the most of his early start, making birdie on four - his third of the day - to move to two under and a share of eighth spot. A bogey on two is the only blemish on his start so far.
0738: Erm, you are no longer 'all but guaranteed' to get your text posted now you all seem to have woken up. Please keep them coming, though - if only for my own amusement - and I shall try to publish the best and the worst.
"Come on Garcia, Hope he holds it together and have a feeling he will this week. Although would be a great surprise if young McIlroy could win."
"Whatever the problem, you will find the answer at the bottom of a beer glass."
"Sitting at work, rain beating down, enjoy the weather up there...this coming ur way tomorrow."