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Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"? | I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction )) | A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you." "What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' " "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What is the king of all school supplies? | The Ruler |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off... | Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way. One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, rea... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” | A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!” The doctor replied, “Show me.” So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again. She was about to continue when t... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl? | You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 women talk | "The other day I touched my husband's balls and realized that they are cold. Never noticed before!" - says the first. Next day the second woman tells to the others: "That's true! I touched my husband's balls and they are also cold. It's curious." Next day the third woman appears with her eye blacked. "What happened?... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Valentine's day fights | My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a weighing... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between you and a Calendar? | A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Roses are gray. Violets are gray. | I'm a dog. Happy Valentine's Day! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought my friend an elephant for their room. | They said thank you. I said don't mention it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | These reports of a major snowstorm hitting the Northeast don't concern me. | It's all just flake news. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today | Should have cooked it on aloha temperature |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why is the camel called the ship of the desert? | Because its full of Arab semen. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it... | A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she p... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Man Gets Really Drunk | A man gets really drunk at a bar and asks the bartender for the bathroom. The bartender points to the bathroom and the man complains about having to take a serious shit and runs towards it. A few minutes later the man screams in agony, stops, then screams again. The bartender goes to check it out and yells to the man... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I floss religiously. | I do it on Christmas and Easter. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter? | Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An optometrist asks a woman out on a date | I have a couple of ideas: 1: Dinner 2: Movies 1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar | The bartender sighs and says; "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!" |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? | A Brazilian. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? | Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk. Son: But dad, there's only one person. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is shopping for cattle in 1886... | He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him that he has a machine b... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Doctor, are you sure he was Dead? | Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A lot of women turn into great drivers... | So if you're a great driver, look out for women who are turning. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years | He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's a... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | People in California... | At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!" ___ They can't make up their *dam* minds. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man finally buys tickets to bring his family to the super bowl... | He excitedly sits down in his seat and his family takes their seats to his right. The game is about to start and he notices the seat next to his left is empty. He leans over to the guy a seat over and says, 'Hey man, did you buy this seat? Who would miss the super bowl!?' The man says to him, 'Yeah, I bought it for my ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do the riot police show up at concerts early? | To beat the crowd. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Sex Statistics on a Plane. | A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that A... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A flood warning is given, but the local priest decides to stay... | The water level starts rising, but he has faith that God will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails up to him. "Hey," he says. "Need a lift?" The priest shakes his head. "No thank you, I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need." The rowboat head... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A bitch ate my cookie, now the bitch is dead | Apparently chocolate is bad for dogs |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Measurements | A man and his wife were outside their house doing yardwork. The husband looked over at his wife bent over her flower bed and said "ya know honey, I never really noticed how big your ass is. Why, I bet it's just as wide as the range on the grill." To prove his point, the man went and grabbed the tape measure out of his ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I am going out with my valentine tonight | I wish I could post it on different sub |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!" | The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him. The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?" The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Relationships are a lot like algebra. | Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the hostage situation at the spice factory? | They used a cumin shield. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An Engineer Goes to Hell | An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the co... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An American and a Chinese were arguing about which government was better | The American boasts, "clearly the American government is better. You can go to the white house with a megaphone and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you wouldn't even be arrested." The Chinese replied, "what of it? You can go to Tiananmen square and yell 'Trump sucks!' and you still wouldn't be arrested." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When m'y girlfriend said let's not bother and do nothing this year for valentine's day | I agreed and realised way later that included sex |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | It's hard to believe I can smoke five cigarettes on a two mile walk to work... | But it's not that I'm a chainsmoker, it's just the COPD makes me walk really slow. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" | So I got her nothing. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Women are time and money | Women = time • money Time is money Women = money^2 Money is the root of all evil Therefore Women = Evil |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A pecan walks into a library... | The librarian says, "so do you live in one of those little round houses? Pecan says, in a nutshell, yeah! |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know your girlfriends a keeper | If she wears gloves, soccer jersey and cleats |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I need help writing a BDSM joke. | I'm having trouble working out all the kinks. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Whats black and screams? | Stevie Wonder answering the iron |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | When did the man know it was time to dump his fat GF? | When he realized it just wasn't going to work out. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you know if you have a high sperm count? | She chews before she swallows. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | So I'm dating this girl who has a twin sister, and one night I got confused | and ended up fucking her dad... :/ |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A couple are walking in St. Petersburg square on Christmas Eve. | They start to feel some light precipitation "I think it's raining" says the man "No it's snowing" replies the woman. "How about we ask this communist officer here?" "He is always right" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?" "Definitely raining" officer Rudolph replies before walking off. ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Three types of boobs | A family was at the dinner table. The son asked his Father: "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?? Surprised, the father answered:"Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs" "In her 20's, a women's boobs are like Melons, round and firm." "In her 30's to 40's, they are like Pears, still nice but hanging a bit... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? | You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | 3 nuns die and go to heaven... | They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis? The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers. Dip your fingers into the holy water and you will be pure, instructs the ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A nurse walks up to the Doctor | The nurse walks up to the doctor and asks... Doc, what are you doing? Doc says... I'm writing a prescription. Nurse says, but you're holding your thermometer. Doc looks at her and says God Damn it some asshole has my pen |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I met a Soldier that survived Mustard Gas and Pepper spray | He was a seasoned Veteran |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | One snow day a mother is making brownies for her kids | She accidentally knocks her youngest son's jar of bb's into the brownie mix. She says "oh it'll be alright" Several hours after the brownies were done her youngest son comes to her with tears in his eyes and says "Mommy, when I was using the restroom I was peeing and something hard came out." She said "Oh it was just ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A man is served whiskey on a flight | A man is served whiskey on a flight. The flight attendant asks the priest seated next to him, whether he would like a drink too? Priest: I would rather be raped by a dozen prostitutes than let liquor touch my lips The man returns the drink saying: Me too, I didn't know we had a choice... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Chinese man is at a wedding | And he's approached by a Jewish man who is clearly very drunk and the Jewish man says to him, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I still blame YOU for Pearl Harbor." And the Chinese man says, "What are you even talking about, that was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." To which the Jewish man replies, "Chinese, Japanese, ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do you castrate Vladimir Putin? | Kick Donald Trump in the chin. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What type of investment do chemists prefer? | They have an affinity for bonds. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What did one boat say to the other? | Are you up for a little row-mance? |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra.. | He says it's a rigged erection |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do Mexicans feel about Trumps wall? | They're already over it. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | an American and a Australian are in the trenches | the American asks: did you come here to die the Australian says back: no i came here yesterday |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | God, I wish that I’d used a condom now. | My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, “God, I wish that I’d used a condom now.” My wife was aghast and said, “What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?” I said, “No, I’ve got his girlfriend pregna... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I bought a dozen cup-cakes from a bakery. | I got them home, opened the box and thought... that's odd. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | A Swede, an Icelander and a Norwegian end up shipwrecked on a deserted island. | One day, as they are scouring the beaches for firewood, they come across an old oil lamp, washed ashore. The Swede picks it up and wipes it gently with his shirt sleeve, clearing the sand and the dirt. Out pops a spirit. The spirit says: "I have been trapped inside that lamp for a millennium due to a magic spell. Final... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park the other day? | He woke up. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Trump & Trudeau | Donald Trump and Justin Trudeau were we discussing politics when Donald leans in close and says: Donald: You know Justin, if the US were a Dictatorship I would be a Dictator. Justin: Yea, I suppose so Donald. Donald: And you know if the US were a Monarchy I would be a Monarch. Justin: That's also true Don, but I hate t... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Twin sisters just turned 100 years old | Twin sisters just turned one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photog... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Life is like a diploma | My parents keep telling me to get one. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards | Flashbacks |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? | So people don't confuse them with feminists. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership? | Audi... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around | I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude sometimes. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel | When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well. "What happened?" his friend asked. "Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third p... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I just finished the first semester in college and here is a list of things I failed at: | 1.) The 1st semester |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | An interviewer asks a shepard | Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones? Interviewer: Brown ones. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black ones? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the difference between a playing card and Africa? | One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Two men are sitting drinking at a bar | At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". ... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's the seamonster's favourite meal? | Fish & Ships |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm really torn on abortions... | On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it | Or so I've been told |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people | Sorry, wrong bus. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Putting it in. | A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're no... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What's red and bad for your teeth? | A Brick. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... | that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What was the most destructive dinosaur of the prehistoric era? | *Tyrannosaurus Wrecks* |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say... | "My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued." |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why isn't Hitler playing in Esports? | I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time. | But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Ravens and Crows | A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. "What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" The zookeeper looked at her,... |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Can February march??? | No, but April may. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | You're a very beautiful girl | ... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile Girl: you just wanna get into my pants Boy: you're intelligent as well. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Why are women attracted to intelligent men? | Opposites attract |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman. | It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | What kind of planes do rappers fly? | Spitfire |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | Math class | Teacher asks Johnny: "Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?" "An orgy?" Edited: names spelling, grammar. |
Write a joke that starts with the following setup | How do bread cells divide? | They sbread apart through mitoastis |
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