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fandom.1000points | # Hey You Down There
Hey You Down There was a game played on both the British and American versions of Whose Line.
The game involved three players, one (Greg Proops, Steve Frost, or Denny Siegel) as the narrator and the other two (Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles) as the participants. The object was for the trio to improvise an old public safety film.
Greg showed his talent for narrating the film in the same style as the originals, but the major focus tended to be on Colin and Ryan and their physical comedy. As a general rule, if anything could go wrong in the situation, it would.
| Hey You Down There |
fandom.1000points | # Hoedown
Hoedown was a game played on both the British and American editions of Whose Line.
Considered by many to be one of the most iconic Whose Line games, it involved all four performers (Earlier in the American edition, it often replaced one performer with Drew Carey) having to contribute verses to a hoedown on a subject decided by the audience. The subject was generally decided with prompting such as "Something you wanted to be when you grew up" or "A place to go on holiday".
The hoedown tune was simple, although it changed slightly over the course of the British episodes, allowing each performer the chance to demonstrate their creative sides. As a result, many performers became famous for their style of hoedowns - Steve Frost being unable to come up with a sensible final rhyme, Colin Mochrie beginning his career with an inability to finish a hoedown (and thus "fainting") but eventually demonstrating a keen knack for convoluted puns and Ryan Stiles frequently referencing his penis. While Clive Anderson was requently insulted in the British playings of the game, the American hoedowns often took advantage of the rhyme between "Drew Carey" and "scary" or "hairy".
Iconic moments of this game include Ryan's hysterics at his pronunciation of the word "creature" (roughly "critch-ear" to rhyme with his pronunciation of "mirror"), Greg Proops' restarted verse and the hoedown about Colin himself (featuring Greg doing an impression of Colin).
Despite Drew Carey's calling it "Our favorite game in the whole wide world," all three of the American regulars openly expressed dislike for it. Wayne Brady named it the hardest game in an appearance outside of television. Clive Anderson once called it "everyone's favorite game except for the performers." It was often featured as the last game probably because host Drew Carey could play it just about as well as the others. Despite being the most musically talented regular, Wayne Brady occassionally got to sit out hoedowns.
Ryan Stiles usually did the last verse, whose last line was repeated by all four participants. Ryan more than once completely ignored the subject given by the audience to sing a song completely off-topic like how he hated or couldn't do hoedowns, how he was rich, well-endowed or some such.
According to the number of games played on the US version, Hoedown was the 2nd most played game.
Appearances.
UK Appearances.
Series 3: 10 and 15.<br>
Series 4: 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, and 13<br>
Series 5: 1, 2, and 4<br>
Series 6: 1, 3, 6, 7, 9, and 11<br>
Series 7: 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 11, and 12<br>
Series 8: 1, 2, 3, 9, and 14 <br>
Series 9: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 10, 12, 13, 15, and 17<br>
Series 10: 2, 6, and 11 <br>
Red Nose Day 2011<br>
US Appearances.
Season 1: 5, 6, 7, 10, 12, 13, 15, and 17<br>
Season 2: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 19, 22, 25, 27, 31, 32, 34, 38, and 39<br>
Season 3: 7, 8, 15, 16, 17, 20, 23, 27, 29, 31, 33, 36, 37, and 38<br>
Season 4: 2, 7, 9, 10, 12, 19, 25, 27, and 30<br>
Season 5: 6, 13, 16, 22, 24, 26, and 33.<br>
Season 6: 4, 5, and 9. <br>
Season 7: 15, 19, and 22 <br>
Season 8: 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 11, and 20<br>
Season 10: 7, 13, 19<br>
Season 11: 9<br>
| Hoedown |
fandom.1000points | # Hollywood Director
Hollywood Director (sometimes just referred to as Director) was a game played briefly on the British, and more prominently American edition of Whose Line.
The game involved three or four performers, one of whom (Colin Mochrie) was the "highly strung Hollywood director". The others would then perform a given scene, which would be periodically interrupted by Colin to make suggestions about how better to perform it. These suggestions were sometimes on paper that he was given at the start of the game, though in later playings he made them up himself. The scenes were always wildly different from the way the scene had previously been. Typical ideas included "slow motion" and "filled with lust", although on one occasion the performers were told to perform the scene "Like Riverdance", or by using various celebrity or character impressions.
Colin was the focus of the game, particularly in his critiques of the other performers, always having to find new ways of telling them "You were crap". Additionally, there were always intimations that some of the cast were sleeping with the director.
Appearances.
UK Appearances<br>
Series 8: 5<br>
Series 9: 11<br>
US Appearances<br>
Season 3: 3, 9, 19, 30, and 35<br>
Season 4: 8, 9, 14, 20, 22 and 29<br>
Season 5: 2, 12, 22, 27, 31, and 34<br>
Season 6: 1 and 2<br>
Season 7: 10, 11, 13, 17, 18, 19, and 24<br>
Season 8: Episode 18<br>
Season 9: 3, 5, 10 and 11<br>
Season 10: 2, 4, 5, 10, 18<br>
Season 11: 4, 18, 24, 26, 27 and 28<br>
Season 12: 1, 4, 6, 16, and 22<br>
Season 13: 2, 5, and 9<br>
Season 14: Episode 3<br>
Season 15: 3<br>
| Hollywood Director |
fandom.1000points | # Hollywood Moments
Hollywood Moments is a game on Drew Carey's Green Screen Show in which the performers enact an audience-suggested scene. At various points in the scene, at an off-stage performer's cue, the actor must make a "Hollywood Moment" out of whatever they were doing by acting in an overly dramatic fashion.
| Hollywood Moments |
fandom.1000points | # Home Shopping
Home Shopping was a game played on the British edition of Whose Line.
The game involved Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles taking the parts of home shopping spokesmen selling three items. Two items were provided by Clive Anderson, with the third being suggested by the audience.
The focus of the game was on the unusual reasons given to purchase the items (including the solar powered torch, which is very long because "It's always daylight in some part of the world") and on Colin and Ryan's banter. On one occasion, the pair had to sell "old asparagus" and kept trying to influence the dialogue to force the other to come up with the reason to buy it. On another, both performers took the name of Gary and had to sell someone else's holiday snaps, with the constant refrain of "It's beautiful".
The game was converted into Infomercial for the American show
| Home Shopping |
fandom.1000points | # Hugh Dennis
Hugh Dennis (born 13 February 1962) is an English comedian, actor, writer, impressionist and voice-over artist. He is perhaps best known for being one half of Punt and Dennis with comedy partner Steve Punt. He is a regular on the British panel show "Mock the Week".
He was the host of "Fast and Loose".
| Hugh Dennis |
fandom.1000points | # Hugh Hefner
Hugh Hefner (9 April 1926 - 27 September 2017) was an American magazine publisher. He is best known for founding "Playboy" magazine and its associated clubs and enterprises.
| Hugh Hefner |
fandom.1000points | # Hugh Laurie
Hugh Laurie is probably most known for his acting skills in Stuart Little (1999) and House (M.D). He appeared in one episode in the radio version of Whose Line is it Anyway?, alongside good friend Stephen Fry.
Hugh is 6'2 1/2, and starred in Clive Anderson All Talk, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, and Jeeves and Wooster. Perhaps his most famous role was playing Dr. House on House MD which rocketed him to semi stardom in the United States. He also worked twice on the "Secret Policeman's Ball" events and has had many guest appearances on popular British and American shows such as Family Guy, Spooks, and QI.
| Hugh Laurie |
fandom.1000points | # Humphrey Ker
Humphrey Ker (born 11 October 1982) is an Edinburgh Comedy Award-winning British actor, writer and comedian, formerly of the sketch comedy troupe The Penny Dreadfuls.
| Humphrey Ker |
fandom.1000points | # Ian Gomez
Ian Gomez (born 27 December 1964, New York City) is an American actor. He was best known for playing Larry Almada on The Drew Carey Show. Ian was the second guest from the Drew Carey Show to tape for on Whose Line, First Drew Carey Show guest to appear on Whose Line was Kathy Kinney. He was a one time taper, a session that would spawn two episodes for the series.
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Navigation.
Back to US Castmembers
| Ian Gomez |
fandom.1000points | # Ice Skaters
Ice Skaters is a game played only once, on the American version of Whose Line.
In it, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles perform an ice skating finale, accomponied by music, about a basic activity. The one time it was played had the topic of waking up in the morning.
| Ice Skaters |
fandom.1000points | # If You Know What I Mean
<br>
If You Know What I Mean is a game played on the American edition of Whose Line.
The game traditionally involved Brad Sherwood, Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles and was a straight scene-improvisation game (with the scene being partly dictated by the audience). The structure was that the performers had to use as many "obscure clichés and euphemisms related to the scene" as they could, following them with the words "If you know what I mean" (or variants thereof).
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One famous rendition of this game took place in a sports locker room and featured Brad commenting "Nothing better than a two hundred pound snatch, if you know what I mean". The word "snatch" was uncensored for the first broadcast of the game, but got censored for all the rest. The scene ended soon after with the cast in fits of laughter. In the following dialogue about how appropriate the show was for children, Ryan announced "That'll never make it to air, If you know what I mean".
| If You Know What I Mean |
fandom.1000points | # Improbable Mission
Improbable Mission (also known as Mission Impossible) was a game played on both the British and American editions of Whose Line.
The game involved three performers. One was the voice on the tape (originally Steve Frost, classically Greg Proops, and occasionally Wayne Brady), with the other two (invariably Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie) taking the role of the secret agents. The audience provided a mundane task for them to do - such as cutting the lawn or doing the laundry.
The voice performer would then deliver the mission to the agents, who would then carry out the task in as over-the-top a manner as possible, complete with sound effects from spy films and television shows.
Occasionally, the game was played with all four performers. The extra player took the role as an additional secret agent. The four-player version was only played two or three times, and on one occasion, Colin took the role of voice on the tape.
Greg's work as the voice was particularly notable (even when the agents rewound and fast-forwarded the tape), complete with jokes around the "this message will self-destruct" theme, but the main focus of the game was on Colin and Ryan's teamwork. The missions would be completed in highly unorthodox fashion, including frying eggs on Colin's head, skiing on Ryan and dressing up as sheep while manually pulling every strand of grass down. A great many jokes were made about the agents' own appearances, Ryan's height and Colin's baldness being major targets.
The game is also memorable for the "laundry" mission in the American edition, in which the agents had to wash an article of clothing for "the Emir of Groovefunkistan" (Colin referred to him as "the Snackipark of Imar" later on in the mission). Colin consistently made suggestions about using "The Cat" to help the process, even causing Ryan to collapse laughing. The cult status of this particular mission became clear several episodes later, when Colin planned another mission with the words "If only we had a cat!", as well as Ryan prompting Colin with the question "What do dogs chase?" in a later episode to which Colin replied "Jell-O!"
| Improbable Mission |
fandom.1000points | # Infomercial
Infomercial was a game played on the American edition of Whose Line.
The game featured Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles in a set-up similar to Home Shopping. The difference was that the product being sold was decided by the audience and had to somehow involve the random objects in a box behind the desk as part of their pitch.
In practice, there tended to be at least one object which was deemed irrelevant to the infomercial, sometimes being described as irrelevant or being laughed off as something personal. One notable exception to this was a sticky green substance, which Colin wanted to get rid of but Ryan worked into the nailcare infomercial (predominantly by banging it on the desk).
Like Home Shopping, the two would often try to force the other to come up with an idea for the prop.
Arguably the most famous rendition of this game involved a product to fight cellulite. Ryan was unable to say the word, replacing it with "celluloid" (film) and causing many odd exchanges with Colin.
One memorable game, from US-7003, involved an object that Colin apparently thought was some form of vacuum. He stuck it in Ryan's mouth and began to turn the handle, only to be stopped by a panicked Drew Carey. The object was a lighter - and Ryan looked more than a little disturbed that Colin had almost set his mouth on fire.
Another memorable game, from US-10x01, Colin and Ryan were selling ways to pick up women. Colin had brought an object out, oddly enough a sort of beaver hand puppet. Colin called it Benny the "Crack the ice" beaver. Ryan quipped with "I thought you said the crackhead beaver!" which inspired a crackhead beaver talk after the game between Colin, Ryan and Aisha.
Appearances.
Season 3: 6 and 35<br>
Season 4: 2, 3, 16, and 20<br>
Season 5: 6 and 23<br>
Season 7: 1, 3, and 14<br>
Season 10: Episode 1<br>
Season 11: Episode 22<br>
Season 12: Episode 8<br>
Season 14: 1, 2, and 4.
| Infomercial |
fandom.1000points | # Interrogation
Interrogation was played once on the British series of Whose Line.
Interrogation is a variation of Courtroom Scene and Press Conference. Two performers are police officers interrogating a suspect for a crime. The suspect doesn't know what crime he commited, so he must work out what he did in the process of the game.
In the game's one appearence, Brad Sherwood and Steve Frost were the officers, and Ryan Stiles was the suspect who mooned the Queen of England.
One of the more enjoyable one-time games, Interrogation featured one of the only times a contestant who wasn't playing the game had any lines during it, with Colin Mochrie piping in with a one-liner .
Ryan: And don't think that I don't see the guy behind the mirror!<br>
Colin: I told you, you should've put the glass in the other way!
| Interrogation |
fandom.1000points | # Interview
Interview was a game played on the British edition of Whose Line.
A game for two players, one of which is an interviewer for a specific magazine. The other performer is either a historical figure or a fictional character
| Interview |
fandom.1000points | # Irish Drinking Song
Irish Drinking Song was a game played on the American edition of Whose Line.
Much like Hoedown, this was a singing game involving all four performers making up a song about a topic suggested by the audience.
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The structure of the song consisted of four verses of eight lines each, with each performer contributing two of them (the first and fifth lines, for example). The beginning and end - and also the "chorus" - was the Irish-accented "aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di". The second verse would begin with the second performer in the line, and so on.
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As the performers were responding to lines sung by people before them, the songs often veered off-topic in unusual ways. Ryan Stiles was able to carry his traditional ability of coming up with amusing lines at the end of verses.
<br>
The highlight of the game, however, was Colin Mochrie, who developed a line in surreal contributions arguably greater than his Hoedown work. After the particularly climactic final line to the Graduation Irish Drinking Song, "There's blood in my stool" (resulting in peals of laughter from the traditionally straight-faced Ryan), Colin was heard to comment "I shouldn't be the last person". This being a reference to his position of being third in the line and thus getting the absolute last line of the song.
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One Drinking Song degenerated into complete chaos when Drew Carey mumbled most of his line, forcing Ryan to rhyme it in gibberish. Wayne Brady was unable to stop laughing, and soon neither were the rest of the performers except for Colin. Having previously won laughs with the line "meow", Colin gleefully repeated it as many times as he could be heard over the laughter.
Appearances.
US Season 3: 1, 4, 6, 12, 20, 22 <br>
US Season 4: 4, 11, 17, 18 <br>
US Season 5: 5, 8, 11, 15, 20, 29, 31 <br>
US Season 6: 5, 10<br>
US Season 7: 3, 4, 21<br>
US Season 8: 10<br>
US Season 10: 5, 8, 17<br>
US Season 11: 14 and 22<br>
US Season 14: 8<br>
Off Show Appearances.
The Arsenio Hall Show: 2014 Appearance<br>
The Drew Carey Show: Drew Live II<br>
Whose Line is it Anyway UK: Live at Adelphi<br>
| Irish Drinking Song |
fandom.1000points | # Jane Brucker
Jane Brucker (born 14 May 1958) is an American actress and screenwriter. She is best known for her role as Lisa Houseman in the 1987 film "Dirty Dancing".
| Jane Brucker |
fandom.1000points | # Jane Seymour
Jane Seymour, OBE (born Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg, 15 February 1951) is a British-American actress. She is best known for her performances in the James Bond film "Live and Let Die", "Somewhere in Time", "East of Eden", "Wedding Crashers", and the American television series "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman". She has earned an Emmy Award, two Golden Globe Awards, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
| Jane Seymour |
fandom.1000points | # Jeff Davis
Jeff Bryan Davis (born 6 October 1973) is an American television personality and has been a fourth seater on the American version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? since season 3. Besides Whose Line, he is currently the comptroller for the popular podcast, Harmontown, and is a regular on the spinoff TV series, Harmonquest
While Jeff has a definite charisma and stage presence (as well as a repertoire of unique impressions including Christopher Walken and Jeff Goldblum), he's featured frequently in singing games, often paired with Wayne Brady, and had decent sized fan following of his own on the show. In addition, his onstage confidence is a refreshing change from many other fourth-chair performers who seemed intimidated by the regulars.
<br>
<br>
Jeff's appearances on 'Whose Line.
Guide to Jeff Davis' US Series episodes
Navigation.
Back to US Castmembers
| Jeff Davis |
fandom.1000points | # Jessica Ransom
Jessica Ransom (born 20 January 1982) is a British actress. She is best known for her role as medical receptionist Morwenna Newcross in the ITV drama "Doc Martin".
| Jessica Ransom |
fandom.1000points | # Jillian Michaels
Jillian Michaels (born 18 February 1974) is an American personal fitness trainer, author and television personality. She is best known for being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
| Jillian Michaels |
fandom.1000points | # Joey Fatone
Joseph Anthony "Joey" Fatone Jr. (born 28 January 1977) is an American singer and actor. He is best known as a member of the music group *NSYNC with Lance Bass.
| Joey Fatone |
fandom.1000points | # John Bird
John Bird (22 November 1936 - 24 December 2022) was an English satirist, actor and comedian. He made one appearance on the UK Radio series. He is best known for his work with John Fortune and Rory Bremner in "Bremner, Bird and Fortune".
| John Bird |
fandom.1000points | # John Sessions
John Sessions performed on the early episodes of the British edition of Whose Line.
A talented, if somewhat smug, performer, John was the first major focus of the show (a role later held by people such as Tony Slattery and Ryan Stiles). He was particularly strong when required to show his knowledge of literature and theatre, frequently adopting the styles of classic authors in Authors and performing uncannily authentic impressions in Film and Theatre Styles (at one point being asked what he was doing as Noel Coward, responding "I'm a 1920s old whoopsie and I can do what I want").
Many fans of the show tend to criticize John's appearances as he had a tendency to monopolize scenes and appear too high-brow. In his defense, the early episodes of the show were unclear about what level of audience they were playing to anyway.
John's appearances (UK)<br>
Series 1: Every episode (including pilot) - 13 in total<br>
Series 2: Episodes 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 16 and 17 <br>
Series 3: Episodes 11 and 14 <br>
| John Sessions |
fandom.1000points | # Jon Glover
Jon Glover (born 26 December 1952) is an English actor. He appeared in "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", and did voices for "Spitting Image"
| Jon Glover |
fandom.1000points | # Jonathan Mangum
Jonathan Mangum (born 16 January 1971) is an American improv comedian who has been doing Improv acts in Los Angeles since 1995. He became a recurring performer on 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' in 2013.
Mangum has guest-starred on several television shows such as Reno 911!, Just Shoot Me!, Married with Kids, Clarissa Explains it All, and even NCIS. Throughout his career, he's appeared in hundreds of American commercials and holds writing credits for The Disney Channel and The N network — even writing for director Ben Rock.
Jonathan is known as Wayne Brady's comedy partner, touring together since 2000 and performing together since 1995. The two currently host the critically acclaimed and three time Emmy award winning show Let's Make A Deal.
Jonathan's road to Whose Line.
Jonathan first started doing Improv at SAK theater in Orlando, performing alongside Wayne. In 1995, a group consisting of Wayne, Jonathan and 5 others moved out to Los Angeles and formed the group 'Housefull of Honkeys". In 1999, Jonathan auditioned for the second season of Whose Line, however the fourth-seater position was given to Kathy Greenwood.
Although not yet part of the show, Mangum continued to pursue a career in improv comedy; he was determined to leave his mark on the industry. In 2002, he locked himself a recurring role on the final two seasons of The Drew Carey Show. 2004 brought a new opportunity — Drew invited Jonathan to join his improv troop, "Drew Carey's Improv All-Stars,” where he would go on to tour over 60 venues with the cast of Whose Line. Later that year Drew would create 'Drew Carey's Green Screen Show' on The WB where Jonathan became one of the featured players; unfortunately the show did not have a long run. Later in 2011 he would land a role as a rotating player on Drew Carey's Improvaganza and a starring role on the short lived show 'Trust us with Your Life'.
In 2013, 'Whose Line is it Anyway?” was set to return once again — this time to be televised on TheCW, originally for a limited summer run. The search was on for new fourth seaters to add to the show. Jonathan auditioned and landed himself the role. Whose Line returned in the summer of 2013, premiering to the highest network rating since September of 2011.
[<a href="http%3A//www.thefutoncritic.com/ratings/2013/07/17/whose-line-is-it-anyway-makes-strong-return-on-the-cw-719313/20130717cw01/%257C1"></a>]
Strong ratings would lead to a season renewal. Six years and six seasons later, with no signs of slowing down anytime soon, Jonathan is still an esteemed fourth seater.
Appearances on "Whose Line is it Anyway?
Guide to Jonathan's Episodes
Gallery.
Coming Soon
Navigation.
Back to US Castmembers
| Jonathan Mangum |
fandom.1000points | # Josie Lawrence
Josie Lawrence was a regular performer on the British version of Whose Line, though she made two appearances on the American edition.
A member of the Comedy Store Players, Josie was the first female to regularly perform on Whose Line. A terrific singer in games such as Song Styles and Psychiatrist, she also excelled in non-musical games such as Film and Theatre Styles and Party Quirks. She's the only British performer to perform on both the UK and US editions of the show.
Josie's appearances (UK).
Series 1: Episodes 1, 3, 5, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 (pilot)<br>
Series 2: Episodes 1, 2, 4, 7, 8, 11, 13, 15, 16 and 17 <br>
Series 3: Episodes 1, 2, 4, 6, 9, 10, 12, 16 and 17 <Br>
Series 4: Episodes 2, 4, and 6 <br>
Series 5: Episodes 2, 5, 6 and 9 <br>
Series 6: Episodes 2, 5, 7, 10 and 11<br>
Series 7: Episodes 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 <br>
Series 8: Episodes 3, 10, 12, 13 and 14 <br>
Series 9: Episodes 4, 11, 12 and 18 <br>
Josie's appearances (US).
US Season 2: 8 and 13<br>
| Josie Lawrence |
fandom.1000points | # Julian Clary
Julian Peter McDonald Clary (born 25 May 1959) is an English comedian and novelist. He was the winner of "Celebrity Big Brother 10" in 2012 and has guested with The Comedy Store Players.
| Julian Clary |
fandom.1000points | # Julie Larson
Julie Ann Larson (born 21 August) appeared regularly with Drew Carey and the Improv All Stars throughout the United States, Canada, and abroad.
Born and raised in Geneva, Illinois, Larson has been performing improv since she was a teen with such groups as the Second City Alumni and The Groundlings. For the past six years, Larson's primary focus has been writing and producing television. In 1998, Larson joined the writing team of the hit comedy show "Dharma & Greg", where she stayed for three years before moving to writing and producing "The Drew Carey Show". She is busy raising her daughter Joan and also created and wrote for the short-lived comedy series "Are You There, Chelsea?" (which guest-starred Ryan Stiles) before becoming an executive producer and writer for the hit Tim Allen comedy show "Last Man Standing".
| Julie Larson |
fandom.1000points | # Justin Edwards
Justin Edwards (born 14 February 1972) is an English actor and writer. He is best known as the hapless MP Ben Swain in "The Thick of It".
| Justin Edwards |
fandom.1000points | # Kaitlin Doubleday
Kaitlin Doubleday (born 19 July 1984) is an American actress. She is best known for her role as Rhonda Lyon in "Empire" alongside Grace Byers. She is the daughter of actors Frank Doubleday and Christina Hart.
| Kaitlin Doubleday |
fandom.1000points | # Karen Maruyama
Karen Maruyama appeared in the American and British versions of Whose Line. She only made a handful of appearences, and her improvisational abilities were limited, allowing her to participate in only a number of games. In all of her appearances, Karen is always wearing a green shirt with black suspeners. While her singing skills aren't as stellar as Wayne Brady's, she did do a couple Hoedowns which was The UK Birth Hoedown and The US Tourist and Kids at a cinema Hoedown and there are surely a few more that yet remain unaired. Karen is also a member of the Groundlings. She is the first woman peformer on the american version
Karen's appearances (UK)
Series 9: Episodes 2 and 14.
Series 10: Episode 3
Karen's appearances (US)
US Season 1: Episode 5.
US Season 2: Episodes 28 and 32
| Karen Maruyama |
fandom.1000points | # Karla Souza
Karla Souza (born 11 December 1985) is a Mexican-American actress. She is best known for her role as Laurel Castillo on "How to Get Away with Murder".
| Karla Souza |
fandom.1000points | # Kathie Lee Gifford
Kathie Lee Gifford (born 16 August 1953) is an American television host, singer, songwriter, comedian, and actress. She is best known for her long series of Carnival Cruise Lines commercials, and for hosting "Live! with Regis and Kathie Lee" and NBC's "Today" show.
| Kathie Lee Gifford |
fandom.1000points | # Kathy Greenwood
Kathy Greenwood (born 21 March 1962) is a Canadian television personality. She appeared on the American edition of Whose Line from Season 2 until Season 8.
<br>
Kathy's improvisational abilities were limited at best in her earlier appearances. In her defense, however, the rest of the cast (Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Wayne Brady) had worked together for several years to develop their chemistry (Ryan and Colin beginning their partnership on the British edition of the show). Kathy's strongest area always seemed to be in narrative scenes, which were almost always saved for Ryan and Colin. Kathy was often used in various games, but only very rarely in the final game of the episode. Kathy was often declared the winner,
In Episode US-405 - Kathy performed but did not say a single word. The real reason behind this is due to the editing of that episode. Games where she would normally talk (for example, Let's Make a Date) were cut out and in their place were other games where she would have no speaking roles, such as Living Scenery.
If the points actually mattered on Whose Line, Kathy would fall into fourth place behind Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, and Ryan Stiles for the most points earned.
Kathy's appearances (US).
Kathy's Episode Guide
| Kathy Greenwood |
fandom.1000points | # Kathy Griffin
Kathy Griffin made four appearances on the American version of Whose Line, playing numerous games, such as Irish Drinking Song, Newsflash, Scenes From A Hat, Two Line Vocabulary, Questions Only, Weird Newscasters, and World's Worst.
Kathy is a solo stand up comedienne of some note whose chief stock in trade is satirizing more famous celebrities usually in a disparaging way. Although she characterizes herself as being on the "D-List" even to the point of having a series on cable entitled "My Life on the D-List" she is probably the most famous person to appear as an irregular cast member who was not designated as some kind of special guest.
Fast-witted, ribald and mercurial, she was called one of the world's funniest women by Drew at the beginning of one of the shows in which she appeared.
Kathy's appearances (US)<br>
US Season 5: 2, 15, 19 and 29<br>
| Kathy Griffin |
fandom.1000points | # Kathy Kinney
Kathy Kinney (born 3 November 1954) is an American actress and comedian. She is best known for her roles on Newhart and The Drew Carey Show. She appeared on one episode of the first season of the US Series.
She later continued improv work on Drew Carey's Green Screen Show as well as being on multiple episodes of Drew Carey's Improv-A-Ganza on the Game Show Network in 2011.
| Kathy Kinney |
fandom.1000points | # Katie Cassidy
Katherine Evelyn Anita "Katie" Cassidy is an American actress. The daughter of singer and actor David Cassidy, she is best known for her role as Laurel Lance on "Arrow" and its spinoff series "The Flash", "Vixen", and "Legends of Tomorrow" alongside Emily Bett Rickards, Candice Patton, and Danielle Panabaker.
| Katie Cassidy |
fandom.1000points | # Katie Harman
Katie Marie Harman Ebner (born 18 August 1980) is an American classical vocalist and actress. She is best known as Miss America 2002 and Miss Oregon 2001.
| Katie Harman |
fandom.1000points | # Kearran Giovanni
Kearran Giovanni (born 16 December 1981) is an American actress. She is best known for her roles as Detective Amy Sykes in "Major Crimes" and Senator Diane Hunter in "Designated Survivor".
| Kearran Giovanni |
fandom.1000points | # Keith Richmond
Keith Richmond has worked on various shows as a stage manager, segment producer, and first assistant director. Most of his career was spent as a stage manager and most notably for Whose Line.
| Keith Richmond |
fandom.1000points | # Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne (born 27 October 1984) is a British singer-songwriter, actress, television presenter and fashion designer. She is best known as the daughter of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne, and the star of their reality show, "The Osbournes". She is the sister of Jack Osbourne.
| Kelly Osbourne |
fandom.1000points | # Kick It
Improvaganza Variant.
Kick It is a game in which the performers enact a scene. Periodically, the game leader says "Kick it," and the last performer to speak must begin to rap until the leader says "Word," then they stop rapping and continue the scene normally. This can happen multiple times throughout the scene
Whose Line Variant.
The Whose Line version of Kick It runs the same in terms of the name and initial idea of the Improvaganza version; however in this version both performer's take turns prompting the other into a rap with "Kick It" until "Word" is said -- taking a page out of the 'What Do You Mean' game from Colin and Brad's Scared Scriptless tour. A hybrid mixing of two games. Closely related to Get Down and Rap It.
| Kick It |
fandom.1000points | # Kunal Nayyar
Kunal Nayyar (born 30 April 1981) is an Indian actor. He is best known for his role as Rajesh Koothrappali in the CBS sitcom "The Big Bang Theory".
| Kunal Nayyar |
fandom.1000points | # Kyle Richards
Kyle Richards (born 11 January 1969) is an American actress. She is known for her roles in "Little House on the Prairie", "The Car" (1977), "Halloween" (1978) and "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills".
| Kyle Richards |
fandom.1000points | # Laila Ali
Laila Amaria Ali (born 30 December 1977) is a retired American professional boxer and television personality. She is the daughter of retired heavyweight boxing legend Muhammad Ali and his third wife, Veronica Porsche Ali. Laila is the eighth of her father's nine children, and his youngest daughter.
| Laila Ali |
fandom.1000points | # Laura Hall
Laura Hall is an American musician from Chicago, Illinois, who appeared throughout the entire run of the American version of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"providing music for the performers' games.
| Laura Hall |
fandom.1000points | # Laura Solon
Laura Solon (born April 1979) is an English screenwriter, comedian, actress, and winner of the 2005 Perrier Comedy Award.
| Laura Solon |
fandom.1000points | # Lauren Cohan
Lauren Cohan (born 7 January 1982) is a British American actress and model. She is best known for her role as Maggie Rhee on "The Walking Dead".
| Lauren Cohan |
fandom.1000points | # Lea Thompson
Lea Thompson (born 31 May 1961) is an American actress. She is perhaps best known for her roles as Lorraine Baines in the "Back to the Future" trilogy, and as the title character in "Caroline in the City".
| Lea Thompson |
fandom.1000points | # Lee Simpson
Lee Simpson of the Comedy Store Players appeared in one episode of Whose Line, in the second British series.
In 1993 and 1994, Simpson took the role of narrator in the improvisational radio series, The Masterson Inheritence, which also featured Whose Line performers such as Paul Merton, Josie Lawrence, Jim Sweeney, and Caroline Quentin.
Lee's appearances (UK).
Series 2: Episode 10
| Lee Simpson |
fandom.1000points | # Lenny Henry
Sir Lenworth George "Lenny" Henry (born 29 August 1958) is a British comedian and actor. He is perhaps best known as a co-founder of the charity, Comic Relief. He was married to Dawn French from 1984 to 2010.
| Lenny Henry |
fandom.1000points | # Let's Make a Date
Let's Make A Date was a game played on both the British and American editions of Whose Line. This was the first game of the American version of Whose Line
A supposedly competitive "guessing game", much like Party Quirks, the game involved all four performers. One was the contestant on a dating show, with the other three being the possible dates (the genders of the participants were immaterial). Each date had been assigned a quirk which they had to bring out when answering the contestant's questions - and the contestant had to guess what quirks had been assigned.
The British version of the game tended to focus on personality quirks, including Colin Mochrie's famous quirk of using multiple accents to seem sexy (resulting in a sexy "Och Aye" at various moments). In the American version, however, the quirks were increasingly outrageous and required the dates to run around the set and often get the audience involved as well. Ryan Stiles, whose quirks were often related to his animal impressions, referred to this in his comment that "I'll just wait for a minute while everyone reads the novel that is my suggestion". Greg Proops has also proclaimed that "There's two paragraphs of text on this (card)!"
Later Seasons of the US Incarnation would see a modernization of the name to Dating App
Appearances.
UK Appearances<br>
Series 7: 5<br>
Series 8: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, and 14<br>
Series 9: 1, 2, 4, 8, 10, 11, 13, 15, 16, and 18<br>
Series 10: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, and 9<br>
US Appearances<br>
Season 1: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8, 11, 12, and 14<br>
Season 2: 1, 4, 7, 8, 11, 12, 15, 26, 29, 30, 31, 34, and 36<br>
Season 3: 1, 6, 11, 13, 15, 23, 28, 34, and 39<br>
Season 4: 1, 5, 7, 11, 19, 27, and 31<br>
Season 5: 10, 14, 21, 26, and 33<br>
Season 6: 4 and 7<br>
Season 7: 2, 6, 8, 9, 12, 16, 21, 22<br>
Season 8: 1, 4, 5, 15, 17, 20 and 21<br>
Season 9: 1<br>
Season 10: 3, 9, 11, 13, 19, and 21<br>
Season 11: 5, 8, 10, 16, 20, 23, and 25<br>
Season 12: 8, 12, 15, and 21<br>
Season 13: 1, 3, 10 and 12<br>
Season 14: 4, 7, 8, and 11<br>
Season 15: 6<br>
| Let's Make a Date |
fandom.1000points | # Letter Changes
| Letter Changes |
fandom.1000points | # Linda Taylor
Linda Taylor performed music in the American edition of Whose Line.
As a guitar player, Linda appeared alongside Laura Hall in almost every Whose Line episode taped in 1999 or later, providing music in games like Greatest Hits, Song Styles, Duet, Three Headed Broadway Star, Title Sequence and two Hoedowns.
| Linda Taylor |
fandom.1000points | # Lisa Leslie
Lisa Leslie (born 7 July 1972) is a former American professional basketball player who played in the Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA). She is a three-time WNBA MVP and a four-time Olympic gold medal winner.
| Lisa Leslie |
fandom.1000points | # Living Scenery
Living Scenery was played on the American edition of Whose Line.
The premise was that two performers (almost always Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie) were to act out a scene, using either two other performers, and/or a special guest (such as the belly dancers), Richard Simmons, or Verne Troyer) as the scenery where appropriate.
This game was full of double entendres, especially where periscopes and bubble baths were involved. This game became a bit more frequent in the later seasons.
Appearances.
US Appearances<br>
US Season 4: 2, 8, 24, and 29.<br>
US Season 5: 1, 2, 13, 17, 25 and 28.<br>
US Season 6: 6<Br>
US Season 7: 23<br>
US Season 9: 1, 3, 5, 7, 11, and 12.<br>
US Season 10: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 13, 14, 22, and 23.<Br>
US Season 11: 1, 4, 5, 7, 8<br>
| Living Scenery |
fandom.1000points | # Liz Gillies
Elizabeth Gillies (born July 26th, 1993) is an American actress. She is best known for her roles as Fallon in "Dynasty" and Jade in "Victorious."
| Liz Gillies |
fandom.1000points | # Lolo Jones
Lori Susan "Lolo" Jones (born 5 August 1982) is an American hurdler and bobsledder. She has competed in both the Summer and Winter Olympic games.
| Lolo Jones |
fandom.1000points | # Lyndie Greenwood
Lyndie Greenwood (born 6 June 1983) is a Canadian actress. She is best known for her recurring roles as Sonya in "Nikita" alongside Maggie Q and as Jenny Mills in "Sleepy Hollow".
| Lyndie Greenwood |
fandom.1000points | # Maggie Q
Maggie Denise Quigley (born 22 May 1979) is an actress. She is best known for appearing in various Action/Adventure blockbuster films as well as The CW's second rehash of "Nikita" alongside Lyndie Greenwood, which ran for four seasons from 2010 to 2013.
| Maggie Q |
fandom.1000points | # Main Page
| Main Page |
fandom.1000points | # Make A Monster
Make A Monster was a game played twice on the American edition of Whose Line.
Two performers (Colin Mochrie and Greg Proops) played Dr. Frankenstein and Igor. Ryan Stiles and Wayne Brady were monsters being made - "Frankenstein" and "The Bride of Frankenstein".
The premise of the game was that Dr. Frankenstein and Igor would create the monsters using the legs, arms and heads of famous people. The creations would then be animated (causing the performers to do a combination impression of all the characters involved in their creation) and have to sing a love song to each other.
| Make A Monster |
fandom.1000points | # Malcolm Goodwin
Malcolm Goodwin (born 28 November 1982) is an American actor. He is perhaps best known for his roles as Seamus "Shea" Daniels on "Breakout Kings", and as Clive Babineaux in The CW's "iZombie".
| Malcolm Goodwin |
fandom.1000points | # March
March was a short-lived game played on the British edition of Whose Line.
The game was closely related to the more well-known Hoedown, with the only noticable difference being that instead of the famous hoedown tune, performers had to sing about a given topic in the style of a march. Mike McShane or Tony Slattery frequently ended the games. Mike, in particular, had a tendancy to go all-out and perform verses twice the length of normal verses.
Paul Merton, Jim Sweeney, and Steve Steen have frequented March more than the other games of its style. In fact, none of those three performers have ever participated in its more popular successor, the Hoedown.
| March |
fandom.1000points | # Marek Larwood
Marek Larwood (born 2 June 1976) is an English comedian and actor. He is best known for the BBC Three sketch show "Rush Hour", and for being one third of the comedy trio "We Are Klang".
| Marek Larwood |
fandom.1000points | # Marisol Nichols
Marisol Nichols (born 2 November 1973) is an American actress. She is best known for her roles as Special Agent Nadia Yassir in the sixth season of "24", and as Hermione Lodge in "Riverdale".
| Marisol Nichols |
fandom.1000points | # Mark Cohen
Mark Cohen appeared twice on the British Verison of Whose Line is it Anyway? He's acted in films such as Standalone (2005) and Who's the Caboose? (1997).
Mark's appearances<br>
(UK) Series 3: Episodes 2 and 11<br>
| Mark Cohen |
fandom.1000points | # Mark Cuban
Mark Cuban (born 31 July 1958) is an American businessman. He is the star of the reality television series, "Shark Tank". He is the owner of professional basketball team, the Dallas Mavericks
| Mark Cuban |
fandom.1000points | # Mark Leveson
Mark Leveson is a producer and writer who along with Dan Patterson helped create the British and American versions of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and "Mock the Week".
| Mark Leveson |
fandom.1000points | # Matt Barnes
Matt Barnes (born 9 March 1980) is an American professional basketball player. He last played for the Golden State Warriors, with whom he won an NBA championship in 2017. Barnes was drafted in the second round of the 2002 NBA draft by the Memphis Grizzlies.
| Matt Barnes |
fandom.1000points | # Meet The Family
Meet the Family is a game in which two of the performers are engaged and one is bringing the other to meet their parents for the first time. The parents are given odd personalities or characters to portray.
| Meet The Family |
fandom.1000points | # Mel B
Melanie Janine "Mel B" Brown (born 29 May 1975) is an English singer, songwriter, presenter, television personality, dancer, actress, author, and model. She is best known as Scary Spice, a member of the girl group the Spice Girls.
| Mel B |
fandom.1000points | # Michael Weatherly
Michael Manning Weatherly Jr. (born 8 July 1968, New York City) is an American actor, writer, singer, and director. He is best known for his roles as Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo on the television series "NCIS" and Logan Cale on "Dark Angel".
| Michael Weatherly |
fandom.1000points | # Mike McShane
Mike McShane appeared on the British edition of Whose Line.
The overweight Mike developed something of a cult following on the show for his high standards of performance as well as his handkerchief which he used to wipe perspiration off his face in between games. He was a friend of Greg Proops' since college.
Mike's most noticeable talent was in singing, and he was the original performer in Song Styles as well as (with Josie Lawrence) in Duet and various incarnations of Musical. Two of his most famous songs were a duet with Josie about cat litter and the disco hit "Love Train" (following the cue of "sing a disco song about a train set"). The latter was one of the first songs to have the audience singing along, and in fact the usually staid Clive Anderson also got in on the act.
Mike's appearances (UK)<br>
Series 1: Episodes 9, 11 and 12<br>
Series 2: Episodes 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 15, 16 and 17<br>
Series 3: Episodes 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 17<br>
Series 5: Episodes 5, 7 and 9<br>
Series 6: Episodes 2, 4, 7, 10 and 11<br>
Series 7: Episodes 2, 5, 6, 11 and 12<br>
Series 9: Episodes 3 and 11<br>
| Mike McShane |
fandom.1000points | # Millionaire Show
Millionaire Show was a game played on the American edition of Whose Line.
Based on the gameshow, Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Millionaire Show is a game where all four performers would take part. One as the contestant, another as the host, another as the friend on the phone and the last one as a member of the audience. The game would focus on, instead of general knowledge, a particular theme - such as Ryan Stiles' life in the bedroom - or relate to a particular type of person (such as the "Gangster Millionaire Show").
Traditionally, the game would involve three questions, the final three to get the contestant the million dollars. The contestant would answer one by themselves, phone a friend for the second and get assistance from an audience member for the third.
This game was memorably chaotic in its various renditions. Perhaps the most spectacular example of this was the "Bedroom Millionaire Show", featuring Brad Sherwood delivering a pointed impression of Regis Philbin. Colin Mochrie's appearance as Ryan's son had Drew Carey in stitches and the constant options of "Richard Nixon" became a catchphrase. Brad's final question to Ryan featured five options, all of which were just letters (is the answer A "B", B "C", C "A" or D "D") - complete with Colin's helpful suggestion that "the answer is meat" and the 5th option "a jar of almonds").
| Millionaire Show |
fandom.1000points | # Misty May-Treanor
Misty May-Treanor (born 30 July 1977) is a retired American professional beach volleyball player. She is a three-time Olympic gold medalist in the sport.
| Misty May-Treanor |
fandom.1000points | # Mixed Messages
A Modernized version of both Every Other Line and Two Line Vocabulary; In "Mixed Messages" three performers enact a given scene. Two of the performers are limited to using only audience members' phone text messages for their given lines. The third performer can speak freely.
This game is a CW Version exclusive.
| Mixed Messages |
fandom.1000points | # Motown Group
Motown Group was a singing game performed on the American edition of Whose Line.
Involving three performers (Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles, and usually Brad Sherwood or Chip Esten - although Colin Mochrie appeared on some occasions), the premise was that the performers were a Motown vocal group singing a song. The audience would provide the topic of the song, which would be added into the expression "Do The..." (hence "Do The Toothbrush", "Do The Sewer Worker" and "Do The Navy SEAL").
Each member of the group had to provide a verse, often with the other two providing vocal backup. The final verse tended to belong to Wayne, who would give instructions for doing the relevant dance.
As with most singing games, much of the humour focused on Colin when he played and his perceived inability to make sense. At the same time, Ryan's imaginative lyrics as the bass man were also a factor. In "Do The Sewer Worker", for example, he was able to make the comment that he looked scary and "everybody says I smell just like Drew Carey".
| Motown Group |
fandom.1000points | # Mousetraps
Mousetraps is a game in which a hundred live mousetraps are set about the stage, and two performers, barefoot and blindfolded, must enact a scene on an audience-suggested subject as they walk around the stage. Two other performers hold a rope at the edge of the stage to make sure the performers in the scene do not fall off the stage.
| Mousetraps |
fandom.1000points | # Moving People
<br>Moving People was a game played on both the British and American editions of Whose Line.
The game involved two performers (almost invariably Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie) and two members of the audience. Later seasons would see Brad Sherwood or Wayne Brady take on Ryan's role due to his back problems. The performers would be given a scene to act out, but with the stricture that they could only move when moved by the audience members.
Some renditions of this game involved perceptive audience members who were able to adjust the performers to develop the scene, however most involved the audience members moving the performers randomly and forcing them to react to unusual situations. One rendition of this game on the American edition of the show featured Ryan as Tonto and Colin as the Lone Ranger, with Ryan's head being stuck looking at a particular angle to the ground. Ryan was constantly asked to move his head, but made excuses not to. When at last his head moved, the game ended.
One Significant Playing.
One Season 12 rendition had a couple chosen to play the game, Aaron and Amanda, and just before the game started; Aaron proposed to Amanda, right on set -- making the show's first ever marriage proposal.
| Moving People |
fandom.1000points | # Multiple Personalities
Multiple Personalities was a game played on the British and American editions of Whose Line.
Involving three performers, the game revolved around a series of props. Each performer would be given a prop, and each prop had a particular personality associated with it. The performers would then be given a scene to perform, with the added stricture that as the objects changed hands, the new owners would have to adopt the relevant personality.
Initially, the personalities were based around emotions. However, this was soon replaced with the personalities requiring impressions of famous people (such as Carol Channing, Jimmy Stewart, Elvis Presley and even Scooby Doo). Generally, the initial division of impressions would play to the strengths of at least one performer - Ryan Stiles starting as Carol Channing, for example.
The traditional end of the game would come when one player - usually either Ryan or Colin Mochrie - would have possession of all three objects and have to do impressions of all three characters at once.
| Multiple Personalities |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics
Welcome to Whoserpedia's music lyrics page. Here, you can find lyrics to over twenty years' worth of improvised songs seen on Whose Line is it Anyway?, and other related programmes.
Games.
African Chant
All in One Voice
American Musical
Bartender
Boogie Woogie Sisters
Doo Wop
Duet
Funeral
Gospel
Greatest Hits
Hoedown
Irish Drinking Song
Make a Monster
March
Motown Group
Musical Film Review
Musical Producers
Opera
Prison Visitor
Psychiatrist
Rap
Rock Out
Scene to Rap
Show Stopping Number
Song Styles
Telethon
Three Headed Broadway Star
Title Sequence
One-time Games
Related Shows
| Music Lyrics |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/African Chant
This is the Whoserpedia's page for African Chant lyrics, covering the entire US series.
| Music Lyrics/African Chant |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Bartender
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Bartender lyrics, covering all versions of the show. If the song you're looking for is not here, check Psychiatrist or Prison Visitor.
Angry About Long Underwear.
US
Angry That His Underwear is Too Tight.
AU
Crisis With Impotence.
Ryan Stiles and Chip Esten
Drinking to Forget Impotence.
Jim Sweeney and Mike McShane
In Love with Dogs.
US
In Love with His Dog.
UK
In Love with His Shoes.
Ryan Stiles and Chip Esten
In Love with the Barman.
Tony Slattery and Mike McShane
In Love with Ugly Shoes.
Ryan Stiles and Brad Sherwood
| Music Lyrics/Bartender |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Doo Wop
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Doo Wop lyrics, covering the entire US series.
Bowling (Diana).
Wayne Brady:<br>
About Diana, where do I begin?<br>
She lived her life right behind the pins.<br>
She was smart. She wasn't dumb<br>
Until she got stuck in the thing where the air comes from.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
She lived so happy, there in Indiana.<br>
That kooky lady we call Diana.<br>
She was a bit of a nutter.<br>
She met a sad death in the gutter.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Diana, you're dead, my little pet.<br>
Unlike the pins, you cannot be reset.<br>
You're dead. I'm having a fit.<br>
You should've been spared, but now you've split.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Diana.<br>
Diana. Oh, why did she go?<br>
All: Why did she go?
Exterminator (Jessica).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, oh, Jessica!<br>
"Damn, baby."<br>
Now, Jessica. I know that I wasn't a great spouse.<br>
Oh, Jessica. In fact, you could say I was a louse.<br>
All the time together, now, we've spent.<br>
You're not the first girl to die when I pitched a tent.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh Jessica, the girl that I adore.<br>
You died one day while running across the floor.<br>
You're the best girl that I ever had,<br>
And there you lie dead on a sticky pad.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh Jessica, you were my habit.<br>
We made love like two little horny rabbits.<br>
But now you're dead. I lost my erection.<br>
I haven't felt this bad since that guy left One Direction.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Jessie, Jessica.<br>
Now, Jessica. You're dead, and I'm so insane.<br>
Jessica's gone, but<br>
All: So is Zayn!
Fishing (Sarah).
Ryan:<br>
Aahhhh aahhh aahh.<br>
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oooh, oooooh. Ooooooh, oooh.<br>
Oh, Sarah. Oh, Sarah, it was my hope.<br>
Oh, Sarah. You fell out of the boat.<br>
Yes, oh Sarah. At swimming, you had no practice.<br>
You talk about, "I'mma jump down and go all the way to Atlantis".<br>
"Stupid."<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I love a girl and Sarah was her name.<br>
She brought me nothing but pain, a lot of shame.<br>
I'm kind of glad that God had took her.<br>
But she was quite the fisherman, quite the little hooker.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Sarah. Wish your death had been cleaner.<br>
I'm also sorry you died before you touched my weiner.<br>
You were in a boat. It was really odd;<br>
Killed by a fish. I guess it was an act of cod.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Sarah. Oh, my darling.<br>
Sarah, impaled you with my marlin.<br>
Oh, Sarah. Sarah.<br>
And now, now she's drowned.<br>
All: Sarah's... aaaaaahh aaaaahhhh...
Fruit (Caroline).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, Caroline. You were so fine.<br>
Caroline. Picked too early from the vine<br>
Oh, Caroline. I know that how cruel life can be<br>
She overdosed on her dose of Vitamin Me.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, Caroline. She is gone.<br>
That's why I sing this sad "Dead Caroline" song.<br>
She's gone and all I can say is "Oh, man. Damn it"<br>
I shouldn't have taken you for pomegranate.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
We were making love upon a bar.<br>
A melon was thrown by a driving car.<br>
You didn't make it, before your life I was rooting<br>
But you were killed by a drive-by fruiting.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Caroline. Caroline, I need you.<br>
Oh, Caroline. How I do miss you.<br>
Oh, Caroline. You'll be mourned from here to Havana.<br>
She choked on my banana.
Gardening (Carol).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Here's a little story about a girl named Carol I know.<br>
She loved to garden, but she wasn't a garden hoe.<br>
She'd sit outside. She would paint on her easel.<br>
Her best friend was a garden weasel.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Carol died, but don't ask me how.<br>
Well, okay. I'll tell you. She was run over by a plow.<br>
She died there, but flowers grew up in her place.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Carol, why did you die on me<br>
Just as I was going through puberty?<br>
Dying that way. Oh, that hurts.<br>
Why did you shove your head looking over the dirt?<br>
Wayne and Brad:<br>
She died. She died.<br>
Wayne:<br>
It's okay.<br>
Carol, she's in the dirt.<br>
All: She's in the dirt!
Gene Splicing (Erica).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Well, Erica, if she had her way,<br>
She'd know all the secrets of DNA.<br>
When I left the house, I should not have left her alone.<br>
She went into the basement and began to clone.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
Her's is the saddest tale in all of America,<br>
When I tell you how did die Erica.<br>
It's so pathetic<br>
And the answer is very genetic.<br>
Wayne: It's very genetic.
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Erica, up there in heaven.<br>
I'm down here drowning my sorrows at the 7-11.<br>
How could your experiment go so wrong?<br>
Why'd you clone a big hungry King Kong?<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, oh. Erica.<br>
Why'd you have to leave me alone?<br>
Why'd you go? I just don't genome.<br>
Erica!<br>
All: Erica!
Golfing (Lola).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Now, here's a girl I didn't know too good.<br>
She hung out on the weekends with Tiger Woods.<br>
Poor Lola. She's taking a nap<br>
Over by the green and the sand trap.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
Well, I knew a girl and her name was Lola.<br>
She was just walking by the fourteenth hole-a.<br>
But now she's dead.<br>
A titleist right on her head.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Lola. How could you die on me<br>
After you got me through puberty?<br>
Didn't you know the golf score?<br>
Why didn't you duck when you heard them shout "Fore"?<br>
Wayne:<br>
I miss you, I miss you, oh Lola.<br>
I'm tired. I'm tired.<br>
Oh, Lola.<br>
Died with the nine iron.<br>
Oh, Lola.<br>
All: Lola!
Hockey (Cynthia).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, oh. Oooh.<br>
Oh, Cynthia, my love for you is real.<br>
The way you'd be on the ice, you know, that's how I feel.<br>
Now, I loved you more than all of the others,<br>
But we had to part because hockey's not played by most brothers.<br>
Gary Anthony Williams:<br>
Cynthia, baby, you looked so good,<br>
But you fell on the ice like I never thought you would.<br>
Still, I loved you with all of my soul<br>
'Til you dropped down into your ice hole.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Cynthia. I love your bum.<br>
You look so lovely. I miss your thumb.<br>
Thinking of you there, I know the feeling's not phony.<br>
I wish you were still alive, playing with my zamboni.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Cynthia. Oh, that was your luck.<br>
Oh, Cynthia. You slept with the Anaheim Ducks.<br>
Oh, Cynthia. Oh why? Why did you go?<br>
All: Why did you go?
India (Kelly).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, Kelly. I've got a picture of you on my celly.<br>
Oh, Kelly. I loved you. You showed me your belly.<br>
Oh, Kelly. Where are you now?<br>
I'll treat you sacredly just like a cow.<br>
"It's not offensive. They like 'em!"<br>
Jeff Davis:<br>
Kelly, why did you have to leave in such a hurry?<br>
We were having so much just nibbling on that curry.<br>
Then one day, you had to up and die.<br>
I guess it's time for me to say, "Mumbai".<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, I loved you, my lovely Kelly.<br>
Right there in the field, right in New Dehli.<br>
A sacred cow hit you. I am so blue.<br>
We were about to make love. Now, I guess you're not in the moooood.<br>
Wayne: Oh, Kelly.<br>
Jeff: She's from New Dehli. <br>
Wayne:<br>
Whoa, oh, oh, Kelly.<br>
Why did you go?
All: Why did you go?
Wayne: On the Ganges!
Knitting (Cheryl).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Now let me tell you a little yarn<br>
About a girl named Cheryl. She's gone. Oh darn.<br>
She left my life. I don't know what to do.<br>
Knit one, or maybe perl two.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I feel kind of guilty 'cause I'm her man.<br>
She was making me a big afghan.<br>
She knitted so fast and smart<br>
That she got a needle in the heart.<br>
Wayne: "Bass man!"
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, baby, I have to go<br>
Because I don't love you. Don't love you so.<br>
Now's the time we have to part.<br>
She took that knitting needle and stabbed me in the heart.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Cheryl. Why did she go?<br>
Oh, Cheryl. Can't knit no more.<br>
Oh, Cheryl. Maybe she's knitting in the sky.<br>
Chip:<br>
Maybe in heaven, I'll see her someday<br>
And she'll just weave and save crochet.<br>
Because Carol, she died when she was knitting.<br>
Wayne: "We love you, Carol. Cheryl!"
Pharmacy (Brenda).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh Brenda, I wish I could give you hugs<br>
Oh Brenda, she worked where she sold drugs<br>
Now Brenda, I loved in every single position<br>
Brenda overdosed on my love perscription<br>
Jeff Davis:<br>
Oh Brenda dear, you were so fine<br>
I thought that forever you would be mine.<br>
But then you gave me Viagra and you didn't know<br>
That one night I would make you explode<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Brenda. My mind's in a muddle<br>
Just thinking of you, I'm wet as a puddle<br>
I'd bring you back if it was in my power<br>
Oh damn, why did my erection last over four hours?<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Brenda. So much love I wanna share.<br>
Oh, Brenda. I see you just lying there.<br>
Oh, Brenda. She died. Mmrrrrhhh. (random vocalizing and laughing)
Colin:<br>
Oh, Brenda. Can you believe it?<br>
We thought we'd done a good job and thought maybe we'd leave it<br>
But now we're back and we're hurting for a rhyme<br>
Oh, we're just having a great fucking time!
Wayne:<br>
Oh Brenda, she was never one to take out (?)<br>
Oh Brenda, and now Brenda is a goner<br>
Oh Brenda, Brenda, I wanna<br>
All: She OD'd on medical marijuana
Seafood (Ruby).
Jeff Davis:<br>
Well Ruby, oh Ruby, my heart could not be sadder.<br>
When I saw you lying there like a cold seafood platter.<br>
Oh, you're lying there cold on the corner slab.<br>
You died when you contracted crabs.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, Ruby. Oh, Ruby. Oh, what have I done?<br>
I put some seafood and gave it to you in a bun.<br>
But now, you're gone, I'm no longer your fella.<br>
You died of salmenella.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Ruby. You're my little oyster.<br>
Just thinking of you makes me a little bit moister.<br>
You died eating crabs, that was your last wish.<br>
That was so like you, you were so shellfish.<br>
Jeff:<br>
Oh, Ruby, dear. Why did you have to die?<br>
You're gone now. Oh why, oh why, oh why?<br>
You're like a dead tuna and for the rest of your days,<br>
I will mix you...<br>
All: With mayonnaise!
Softball (Harriet).
Wayne Brady:<br>
She was a traitor, that softball player, Harriet.<br>
She turned on her team like Judas Iscariot.<br>
Of the litter, you were the runt.<br>
Dot dot dot, I loved your bunt.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, Harriet. We died while making love.<br>
I guess I should have taken off my glove.<br>
You're dead now and that's that.<br>
I guess she should have choked up on my bat.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Yes, Harriet. You were a bitch.<br>
I didn't care because your father was so rich.<br>
But I guess you died on the field. That's how it ends.<br>
I guess we just learned diamonds aren't a girl's best friend.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Harriet. You're gone. How can it be?<br>
Oh, Harriet. If I'd worn a glove, you wouldn't have caught an STD.<br>
Oh, Harriet.<br>
Oh, Harriet. Bye bye.<br>
"You're out!"<br>
All: Oohh, ooohh, oohh, oohh, oohhh!
Shopping (Olivia).
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Oh, Olivia."<br>
Olivia, baby. You wanted to buy it all.<br>
You wouldn't move out of your house just to live full time in a mall.<br>
Yeah, you took when I said, "No shopping too hard".<br>
When I had to kill you for using my black card.<br>
Gary Anthony Williams:<br>
Olivia, my baby. You make my blood boil,<br>
Even though your name translates to be "olive oil".<br>
You loved me so much, you made me feel like a man<br>
'Til you was crushed to death by those soup cans.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Olivia. Live's a hard game.<br>
You're dead, though "live" is in the middle of your name.<br>
I tell you, the beans exploded all across the floor.<br>
Now there's a big clean up over in aisle four.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Oh, Olivia. Why? Why? Why?<br>
Oh, Olivia. Bye, bye, bye.<br>
Oh, Olivia.<br>
She shopped until she died.<br>
All: 'Til she died!
Tae-Bo (Janet).
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Janet, oh Janet, oh Janet."<br>
I was in love with a girl named Janet.<br>
She was a physical fitness person just like she planned it.<br>
She felt that she was kind of stout.<br>
She was doing Tae-Bo and knocked herself out.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
It was kind of sad. Who can you thank?<br>
She tried to get in a fight with Billy Blanks.<br>
I tried to be correcting.<br>
She should've stuck to stamp collecting.<br>
Wayne:<br>Stamp collecting!<br>"Bass man!"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Janet. You're something I abhorred.<br>
Now you're dead. You're stiff as a board.<br>
You bent way way back.<br>
And ended up with your head inside your crack.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Janet, oh Janet.<br>
Oh, oh, whoa Janet.<br>
Oh, whoa. Oh-<br>
All: Janet!
Taxidermy (Peggy).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, oh, oh. Oooohhh. Woooooo.<br>
"Now Peggy".<br>
Oh, oh, oh, oh, and Peggy's her name.<br>
Now, once I knew a girl and she was really leggy.<br>
She was six feet five, and her name was Peggy.<br>
She would read all of the books off of the shelf.<br>
I remember the day she stuffed herself.<br>
Jeff Davis:<br>
Oh, I remember when she died.<br>
I opened her up and reached up inside.<br>
I stuffed that girl. Arms and legs and head and all.<br>
Now, that girl is up on my wall.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh Peggy, you died so young.<br>
Didn't have the chance to slip you the tongue.<br>
Oh, you died. That was my bread.<br>
Next time you stuff a tiger, make sure that he's dead.<br>
Wayne:<br>
She's Peg.<br>
Whoa, whoa. She's Peg.<br>
She's Peggy. Stuffed girl.<br>
Whoah. Oh oohhh!<br>
Trucker.
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, oh, oh, oh.<br>
I do the tru-u-u-u-uh<br>
Oh, do the tru-u-u-u-ucker.<br>
Oh, oh.<br>
Listen, baby. You care how I feel?<br>
I gotta hit the open roads on my sixteen wheels.<br>
Oh, you can't stop me. Don't even try.<br>
I just graduated from DeVry.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Well, just keep driving those eighteen wheels<br>
And see how sleepy your eyelids feel.<br>
Well, make sure you don't drive and dream,<br>
And always carry plenty hemorrhoid cream.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, baby. I drive a truck.<br>
Oh, baby. It's just my luck.<br>
You know, baby, I think that I've been driving much too long.<br>
Now, I sing this trucker song.<br>
Turns out, everytime now I stop,<br>
The sound I make is "Pffffftt".<br>
Wayne:<br>
Do the trucker, trucker.<br>
Do the trucker.<br>
Brad:<br>
Do the trucker.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Do the truck, the tru-u-ucker.<br>
"Honk!"<br>
Zoo (Emily).
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, Emily, you're gone. Bye-bye.<br>
Dying at the zoo, that's when doves cry<br>
Oh, Emily, don't you see? Oh, you're gone<br>
Oh, Emily, why, why why?<br>
"Wayne and Aisha break down laughing"<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I told you not to go in the lion's cage<br>
Why did you have a cheeseburger? He flew into a rage.<br>
The lion's not friendly<br>
And that's why he killed Emily<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, Emily. My Czechoslovakian girl.<br>
You were the best in the whole damn world.<br>
You were eaten by a lion. That was without fail.<br>
Now I can say the Czech is in the mail<br>
Colin:<br>
"vocalizes" She was Czechoslovakian.<br>
"vocalizes more" Let's do another one.<br>
"keeps vocalizing" This is going so well.
| Music Lyrics/Doo Wop |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Duet
Duet was played on many occassions on both the British and American versions of Whose Line.
| Music Lyrics/Duet |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Duet/UK
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Duet lyrics, covering the entire British run.
=Objects=
Stapler (Love Song).
=Audience Serenades=
| Music Lyrics/Duet/UK |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Duet/US
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Duet lyrics, covering the entire American series.
=Audience Serenades=
Tina the Canadian (Bruce Springsteen).
=Special Guest Serenades=
Wilson Bethel (Motown).
=Objects=
| Music Lyrics/Duet/US |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Gospel
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Gospel lyrics, covering the entire British run.
America.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Heaven must be in the USA.<br>
I said, Heaven must be in the USA,<br>
'Cause we've got Ronald McDonald and we'll always keep it that way.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I'd like to be in America. Yeah, everything is so big.<br>
I go down from Chile, through the Earth, I dig.<br>
Mmm, I wanna be a Yankee<br>
But, wooo, some things in America are really wanky.<br>
Sandi Toksvig:<br>
"Oh, Brothers and Sisters! I have heard the voice of the Lord!"<br>
"I have been to see the Lord!"<br>
"I've been to see a throat specialist."<br>
"And I'm telling you, Brothers and Sisters. Here, we're going to be saved the American way."<br>
"And how are we going to do it? Send money!"<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I've been told that life is Hell and pain,<br>
But my personal heaven has got four lanes.<br>
I can drive as fast as I want<br>
And Jesus runs a roadside restaurant.<br>
Yeah, Heaven is called the USA!<br>
"Yeah, let me tell you."<br>
Heaven's got to be in the USA!<br>
Bus Drivers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Christopher Smith:<br>
Hooooooooooo!<br>
My soul, it was divided. My soul, it had been broken.<br>
But it all was mended one sunny afternoon by the Lord's token.<br>
Sandi Toksvig:<br>
I'm going to try and sing a Gospel song,<br>
But please forgive me if I get it wrong.<br>
I'm feeling a little skittish,<br>
That's because I am British,<br>
But I will tell you this. I love you, Lord, in the teeth.<br>
It's much more comfortable than being loved from underneath.<br>
Jim Meskimen:<br>
I'm standing, waiting for you by the side of the road.<br>
Rain is coming down, but I'm waiting for you by the side of the road.<br>
Can't wait 'til you lift me up with my heavy load,<br>
'Cause I'm waiting, waiting for you, Lord, by the side of the road.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
Get up on this bus. It's going to Heaven.<br>
Get a bus on the seven to eleven.<br>
I'm driving it straight passed the Pearly Gates.<br>
You better not smoke and don't be late.<br>
I'm going to truckle down the bus all the way to heaven.<br>
You better have your ticket-<br>
Jim: Yes, you better have your ticket.<br>
Mike: Or you're going to just have to walk!
Cake Decorating.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Heaven is a biscuit way up above.<br>
Heaven is a biscuit way up above.<br>
And when Jesus comes down, he's going to squirt it with his heavenly love.<br>
With his love.<br>
Jim Sweeney:<br>
Every day I like to bake. Bake a cake for the Lord above.<br>
I cover that cake and all with it in neverending love.<br>
Decorating cakes is my life. It is it.<br>
I'm what you call a sad and lonely git.<br>
Baking cakes.<br>
Josie: "Sing your song, brother."<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
Well, I like cakes. You know, I find them enticing.<br>
I like to take my clothes off and cover my body with icing.<br>
I do it because, you know, woo! I can, wow,<br>
Take my body down with marzipan.<br>
Greg: "Sing it, girlfriend."<br>
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Oh, God's heavenly love. It makes me feel so merry,<br>
'Cause we are all baking in the Lord's cake. And the Lord, he is the cherry.<br>
Oh, we'll take your sins and confiscate it.<br>
And then he will decorate it.<br>
Pretty soon, you will find that he's covered you in hundreds and thousands.<br>
Yes, he's covered you<br>
Ooooooh, ooooh, ooooooooooh.<br>
All: In hundreds and thousands!
Lawyers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
John Sessions:<br>
You've gotta watch "L.A. Law".<br>
You've gotta watch "L.A. Law".<br>
It's got the blandest colours that you ever saw.<br>
Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Greg Proops:<br>
My name's Perry Mason. I never lose a case.<br>
Everybody's always waiting for telling to sit on my...<br>
I'm in power, out on the job, you know I'm doing the work of the Lord.<br>
I never lose a case.<br>
Mark Cohen:<br>
Well, I'm in a world of trouble. Let me tell you so.<br>
I'm going to jail, Lord. That's where I'm going to go.<br>
I went out and smoked some leaf<br>
And now I'm part of a lawyer's brief.<br>
Oh, Lord!<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I'm sorry, Lord. What have I done?<br>
Was I born on the wrong side of the street? I've been having too much fun.<br>
I thought I was a giver, not a taker.<br>
You made me the lawyer for Reverend Jim Bakker.<br>
No way, yeah.<br>
I can't win because I ain't got<br>
Mark: "I'm with you, brother!"<br>
Mike: I ain't got a chance<br>
All: In hell!
Milkman.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
John Sessions:<br>
The Lord says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.<br>
He says you gotta place a little bit of gold on your top.<br>
You can have a gold, silver, and a green and red at Christmas<br>
Then you can reach the mountaintop.<br>
Can reach the mountaintop.<br>
Archie Hahn:<br>
Well, what's the best darn food on Earth? Milk! Milk! Milk!<br>
What's the best darn fabric in the world? Silk! Silk! Silk!<br>
If you don't drink your milk, you can't wear your silk later on.<br>
Hey! Hey! Hey!<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, milk is a dairy product just like butter.<br>
It just don't show up in the store. You gotta go squeeze some udder.<br>
Oh, everyone likes milk. Even Sonny Bono.<br>
As a matter of fact, I think his favourite is homo. Asa!<br>
"Oh, talkin' milk."<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
Yeah, I praise Jesus. I made it through another day.<br>
The sun is shining. I'll unwrap my soul and it feels okay.<br>
I open my door. I don't believe it.<br>
Get a, the sweet milk and the love of Jesus.<br>
I take my milk and I pour it on the cornflakes of my life.<br>
I take the sweet cream of Jesus and pour it on the cornflakes.<br>
"Come with me on this!"<br>
All: Of life!
Needlepoint.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Ooooooooooh ooooooooooooooh ooooooooooooooh!<br>
My life was really down. I was feeling oh, so low.<br>
Mike: "Testify!"<br>
Josie:<br>
Until an angel appeared to me and taught me how to sew.<br>
Yeah, life was just a void to me<br>
Until I learned embroidery.<br>
Oh, ooh. Wooooooo, yeah!<br>
"Sing your song, brother."
Paul Merton:<br>
Oh, I'm knitting for the Lord. Yes, I am.<br>
Jumpers, suits, socks, and scarves, yes I am.<br>
All forms of knitwear, I'll give to the Lord.<br>
Why I'll even go and knit me a shawl?<br>
Oh yeah!<br>
Julian Clary:<br>
"I've got a little needlepack that travels with me where I go."<br>
"Everywhere that I go."<br>
"It's got needles. It's got cotton. It's got a little thimble, which is handy."<br>
"If you lose a button when you're out shopping or something, you can sew it back on."<br>
"I think it's a boon."<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I've been trying to figure out life<br>
Full of pain and full of strife.<br>
I told myself, "What's the needlepoint?".<br>
Is Jesus a crochet or is he Afghan<br>
Or, Lord, does he have a masterplan?<br>
Oh, Jesus. Give me the weave of life.<br>
All: Oh, Jesus. Give me the weave of life!
Plastic Surgery.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
<br>I'm trying to look much better. I've had a few things done.
<br>I've had a breast enlargement and had some liposuction.
<br>You see, I've had some specially sculpted hips
<br>And then I had the fat from my butt injected to my lips.
Wayne Brady:
<br>I remember the date, it was some time last September.
<br>I wanted to change my appearance like a Jackson family member.
<br>Because I wanted this all, all my life, brother.
<br>I'd be just like Michael Jackson and lighten up my colour.
<br>"Scrape!"
Colin Mochrie:
<br>Get behind me, Satan! Get out of my life!
<br>I'm a plastic surgeon for the Lord. You're going under the knife!
<br>I'm going to cut you up, cut your heart, and cut your tail too!
<br>Then I'll do something with your eyes that'll take fifty years off of you.
Ryan Stiles:
<br>Living in America. Oh boy, is it funny.
<br>You can get the plastic surgery if you've got the money.
<br>And if you don't like it when it's finally done,
<br>Remember, you're an American. You can kill your doctor with a gun.
All: Kill your doctor with a<br>
Wayne: With a big old gun!
Trainspotting.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Ooooooooooooooooh. "Hallelujah!"<br>
Oh, I found a new vocation.<br>
My train is pulling into God's holy station.<br>
Oh, oh, let the good prevail<br>
'Cause I was once a sinner. Yes, I was off the rails.<br>
Wooooooooooo! <br>
Mark Cohen:<br>
Now, I watch the trains, Lord, rolling down the track.<br>
I'm going to get myself on this train and I ain't going back.<br>
I'm going to go from the top to the bottom, go down to the funnel,<br>
And then I'll be. Can't see nothing 'cause I'm in the train tunnel.<br>
Josie: "Yeah, from within, boy!"
Tony Slattery:<br>
I like watching trains. Yeah, I think I'm really slick.<br>
"You know what I'm saying?"<br>
I'm really boring. I'm a boring little prick, yeah.<br>
Because I like my trains to be votive.<br>
Wooo! I make love like a locomotive.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I was standing in Heaven's station, waiting for the big ride.<br>
Jesus was the conductor. He pulled up, said, "Hop on in my freight car".<br>
I was riding the train. Don't you know it's a pity,<br>
That the train to Heaven is an intercity.<br>
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!<br>
Josie: The train is...<br>
All: The train is intercity!
Woodworking.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Oooooooooooooooooooohhh! Whoooooooahhh! Yeah!<br>
Oh, I am so happy and I am so glad,<br>
'Cause I started to do carpentry just like Jesus's dad.<br>
I'll no more be a sinner. I'll always try to be good,<br>
'Cause I'm a carpenter for Jesus and I brought me some wood.<br>
Oh yeah!<br>
Denalda Williams:<br>
Hail the Lord. He won't let me fail,<br>
'Cause he gave me a hammer. He gave me a nail.<br>
I don't care, it's God's law.<br>
If you get it on with the saw.<br>
Oh-ho!<br>
Sandi Toksvig:<br>
"Stand up, people. I want you to settle down!"<br>
"I want you all to be a woodworker for the Lord."<br>
"So we're going to say together, Brothers and Sisters. We're going to say, "I am a piece of wood".<br>
"Are you ready, Brothers and Sisters?"<br>
Sandi, Clive, and the audience: "I am a piece of wood!"<br>
Sandi: "Therefore, I won't sing although maybe I could."
Mike McShane:<br>
Satan is a mighty oak and I'm a beaver.<br>
I'll nibble away at sin all day. I'm a long toothed furry believer.<br>
I don't care. I don't care where I am.<br>
I dig the good God's dam.<br>
I'm building God's dam. Building God's dam all day.<br>
Building God's dam all day.<br>
Josie: You're going to build...<br>
All: God's dam all day!
| Music Lyrics/Gospel |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Greatest Hits
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Greatest Hits lyrics, covering both the US and UK series.
Accounting.
D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-S (Disco).
Wayne Brady:Get out!
Get out!
Listen to me, here's a fact you will believe
You cheated on me
Now I want your ass to leave
That is right, none of this is funny
Just pack your bags, and give me all your money!
I said, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-Sss!"
Yea-eah!
I said, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-I-R-S!"
Your Love Has Bankrupted Me (Swing).
WAYNE:Because, I would bet seven
hoping that your love would, take me all the way to Heaven
but I guess when you gamble, you've got no luck
Your love has left me bankrupt
Oh, chapter eleven of the heart's what I got, it's hot
Chapter eleven of the heart's what I got
And when you ain't got me, ain't got nobody
See, 'cause chapter eleven is what I am
because your looove has left meee bankrupt
Why don't you get out of here? Oh, yeah!
Deduct This (Early Rock and Roll).
WAYNE:(as Little Richard) Whoo!
Here's something, I know you'll see
You'd better, better save all your receipts
because you've better save them
because you'll do the rest
Whooooo!
Because if you don't, a-save your receipts
An accountant deduct, you'd better believe me
because, a-IRS deduct this!
Whoo-oo!
Deduct! You're screwed!
Don't save it, now you're sued!
Oh, yeah!
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!
Whoo-oo-oo, baby!
You'd better deduct this!
Whoo-ooo!
Attorney.
Sue Him. Sue Him Big (Yiddish Folk).
Wayne Brady:Listen to me darling, and listen to this song.
If somebody hurts you or they might do you wrong,
There's only one thing that you can do.
You've got to sue.
And sue him big.
Hey!
Let me tell you something, listen to mom,
Because if it hurts you, listen to this psalm.
If they hurt you,
You know-yi-yi you've got to sue big.
Because you've got to sue, sue, sue.
That's what you've got to do, got to sue.
I've been with you, from the cradle.
Oy my goodness, dreidel dreidel dreidel.
Just sue, sue,
Oy, got to sue.
"Call me sometime!"
Sequester This! (Jug Band).
Wayne Brady:Well, you know in school sometimes there's a semester.
When you're in a case you've got to sequester.
That's when you move from state's aid,
And you know you're in denial.
Because you've done some wrong, can't get a fair trial.
You've got to sequester over there or sequester over here.
Got to sequester in someplace else that I know that is not clear.
Because if you can do it, you'll never get your case heard.
And now I'm going to this...
"(picks up a jug and starts blowing but the music stops)"
"My jug broke!"
Attorneeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (Yoko Ono).
Wayne Brady:When I met John, what could I do?
I broke up the Beatles, they wanted to sue.
So I got myself a lawyer, and they did too.
I believe this is what the lawyer's called, I tell you,
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee "Bong!"
Attorneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee "Bong!"
"(screams long high pitched note)"
Barnyard.
You're Just a Chicken, But What the Cluck? (German Drinking Song).
Brad Sherwood:
You're just a chicken, but what the cluck?
I'm a man who's full of luck.
I will give my chicken a feel.
Pull down my lederhosen and my glockenspiel.
You May Be Just a Horse, But You've Got a Hell of an Ass (Romantic French Ballad).
Brad Sherwood:
I want to take you and gallop away.
I love you, my horse. You're Maurice Chevalier.
I love your ass 'cause it is so tight and round.
And when I jump on your saddle, I'm up off the ground.
Whoaaa, ohhh!
I love you. You are my horse.
You're my true love and you caused my divorce.
Bus Driver.
Pffffffffffffff (Country and Western).
Wayne Brady:
Pffffffffffffff
Hmph hmph hmph hmph, crank crank, tssssh
Hmph hmph hmph hmph, crank crank, tssssh
Shoomp, ha ha ha ha, come on, come on, tssssh, tssssh
Hmph hmph, crank crank, shunk, TING, clink!
Camping in the Wild.
Hand Me Some Leaves ('60s Protest).
Wayne Brady:Eeeahhhh...
Well, I gone in the woods. Not my type.
I went behind the bushes. Ooh, I gotta wipe.
But let me tell you something, in my dreams.
Hey you, stop staring at me and hand me some leaves.
What's That Noise? (Reggae).
Wayne Brady:Oh oh eh oh oh oh eh eh,
Listen man, come now.
Now let me, me tell you somethin'
That me think ain't no good.
Me like to hike and camp
And then me come out to the wood.
Me got meself a lot of food
That me don't like to share.
Roar! Oh my goodness what is that noise,
And could it be a bear?
A bear.
Do do do do do do do do do do,
Do do do do do do do do.
Look At the Different Things (Motown).
Wayne Brady:Well, now tell me, now what do you see?
There goes some wood, some ants, and maybe a chipmunk in the tree.
There goes a picnic apple, and there goes a little kid,
And there goes a jar of mustard fallen over, and there's it's lid.
All these things in the forest, ai!
All these things in the forest, ai!
You got deer, you got mice,
You got squirrels, ain't that nice?
And there's a couple makin' love. Say what?
Now there's a couple makin' love. Shucks!
Dentist.
Just Say Novacaine (Salsa).
Wayne Brady:Oh before you put the drill in my mouth, don't be so dumb.
You better use a lot of Novacaine to make my gums numb.
Chip Esten'Cause if it hurts very much, out I must pass.
And I don't wany any of your laughing gas.
Wayne: So say Novacaine,
Chip: When you are feeling pain.
Wayne: Oh just say No-no-no-no,
Both: Vacaine.
It Has to Come Out (Wilson Pickett).
Wayne: Huh!
Chip: Ow!
Wayne Brady:Huh. All right, now. Whoo!
Hey, now I took a trip to the dentist. I don't like him the best,
But I had to make a visit 'cause I had an abcess.
Chip Esten:My little filling had rusted
And that's why he had to pull my bicuspid.
Both: Oh!
Chip: It had to come out.
Wayne:"Come on now!"Ooooow ow!
I said it had to
Both: Come out!
Chip: Whhoooaah!
Wayne:"Here we go, now."
Hey, I tried to use a doorknob, an anvil for gravity.
Lord try to help me pull that tooth, 'cause of the cavity.
Chip:Well my dentist really worked. He really was a trier.
At first he tried to drill and then he tried the pliers
Wayne:Oh, he made me scream and shout.
Lord, it's
Both: Got to come out.
Wayne: Lord,
Both: It's got to come out.
Chip: Baby, baby, there ain't no doubt.
Wayne: Ooh, ow.
I Ain't Wearing No Braces (Heavy Metal).
Wayne Brady:Now look at me, I'd like to eat meat.
I think red meatIs a really good treat.
Chip Esten:I'm in a lot of pain-ah.I should wear my retainer.
Wayne:I should wear braces. Yeah, yeah!
I don't give a damn. Why don't you just look it?
I really don't care if my two front teeth are crooked. Yeah.
Chip:I don't want them. Just look at him.
His mouth is full all of aluminium.
Wayne:Yeah!
Yeah!
Petrol Station.
Fill Me Up With Love (Love Ballad).
Josie Lawrence:
I'll be your fuel. You be my fool,
So fill me up. Come, baby. Pump, pump, pump.
Hey, Do Those Windows Baby (Country Western).
Josie Lawrence:
So, do those windows, baby. Rub my mirror clean.
I wanna see through my window. I wanna see it gleam.
Then, baby, baby, baby, I think you're oh so sweet.
A petrol attendant like you should join me in the backseat.
Hands Off My Muffler (Torch).
Josie Lawrence:
Hands off my muffler. Don't you know where it's been?
Hands off my muffler or I'll cover you in gasoline.
Lube Up (Disco).
Josie Lawrence:
"Lube up! Huh! Get down!"
"Lube up! Fill me up now! Get down!"
Well, I'm running out of gasoline on the motorway.
I pull over to a fuel station, and this is what I say.
"Everybody, lube up. Get down.
Get your pump out. Fill me up now."
Pizza Place.
Mozzarella-la-la-la-la-la (Yodelling Country Western).
Chip: Heeee-eee-eee.
Wayne: Ohlala ohlolo ohlala ohlolo.
Chip: Lodelayee-ay.
Wayne Brady:Oh, sometimes I think that I'm a lucky fella.
On my big deep-dish I like mozarella-la,
Chip Esten:Sometimes, I think it tastes better
If you use a little gouda or you use a little cheddar,
But I also like to use my mozarella-la-la-la.
Wayne:"Here we go!"
Mozzellay lalalay lololeyeeee,
Yololay lolollolo lay,
Mallarezz lalamollarella.
Both: Lolelaaaa!
Pizza Heckoutta U (College Fight Song).
Chip: Whooo!
Wayne: Whooo!
Chip:: Hey! Hey!
Both: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Chip Esten:We're gonna bake, bake, bake all our pizza.
All the other pizza teams will bust
Because ours are flaky and rich and meaty,
And they have a special crust.
Wayne Brady:Oh here is something that'll knock you for a loop.
Pizza is a brand new food group.
That is right, don't be such a smarty.
Pizza is the best food at a frat party.
Chip: Yeah!
Wayne: Whooo!
Keep the Buck (Doo Wop).
Wayne: Doo-dooo-dooo,
Chip: Waaa-ahhh-ahhh,
Both: Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh.
Chip EstenWell, well, well. Thank you, Thank you. You drove so far
In your little red and white blue car.
So thank you.
And you can keep the buck.
Wayne Brady:Oh, and I know many pizza guys across the nation.
They do this job. They don't have higher education.
Oh, so why don't you just take this dollar and put it in your hand?
And maybe you can get a better job. Maybe by bein', hmm, a trashman.
Chip:Thank you,
Now keep the buuuck.
Get back in your little white truck,
And you can,
Both: Keep the buck!
Plumber (1).
I'm Clogged, I'm Clogged. Oh No, I'm Clogged (British Pop).
Brad Sherwood:"Oy!"
I'm clogged. I'm going down the drain.
Flushed myself, 'cause I am half insane.
Wayne Brady:Well, I shake me job for real not fake.
I'm so clogged, I need a plumbing snake.
Liquid Draino, give it to me,
'Cause I'm clo-o-o-o-o-ogged.
Brad: I'm clogged.
I'm Not Putting My Hand In There (Reggae).
Brad and Wayne: Eo!
Brad: Eo, da de de de de de o deo.
Wayne Brady:Come now, come on, come come come again.
Come come, no no no no no.
Brad Sherwood:You've got a problem with your pipes, well don't look back.
I'm not stickin' my hand in that plumbers crack.
Wayne:Because you sit on me, man. Me wedding ring is stuck,
But you must be kinda crazy. Stick me hand up in that muck.
No no, me not gonna do that there for one thousand bucks.
Ain't not more.
Brad: No way oh, no way, I'm not gonna stick my hand in there.
I'm the Pipe Fitter (Early '50s).
Wayne Brady:Oh oh oh!
Because you, you are my type.
I've got many wrenches to fit your pipe.
You come to me with the old gripe.
I'm the pipe fitter. Screw, screw, screw, nut, bolt, and wrench.
Brad Sherwood:You know, I am someone you can trust.
And I promise, my pipes will never rust.
Wayne: Oh to be, the pipe fitter.
Brad: Oh oh oh, the pipe fitter.
Both Oooohhoooooo!
Plumber (2).
Sympathy For the Roto Rooter (Rolling Stones).
Wayne Brady:One, two!
Yeah, oh baby.
Oh oh oh.
What do you do?
What's your job?
You've got the sink
And you know it's clogged.
It's the Roto Rooter,
And he has a very hard job.
Yeah.
Brad Sherwood:Well, you know he's a real bad shooter.
We're talking 'bout the Roto Rooter.
Get on your little motor scooter,
And give a job to the
Both: Roto Rooter!
Brad: Baby.
Wayne: Sympathy! Sympathy!
Brad: Roto Rooter, baby.
Wayne: Sympathy! Sympathy!
Brad: Roto Rooter, baby.
Wayne:For the RotoRooter.
Sympathy.
Brad: Ooh-ooh!
Wayne:Sympathy! Sympathy!
Hey!
Who's Uncloggin'? (German Drinking Song).
Brad: Ladaladaladalayee!
Wayne Brady:Ja ja, pluggen ze drain.
Who, da. Who can explain?
Uh huh, because I'm tuggin',
Das ut und vein sund un uden unpluggen!
Brad Sherwood:The drain, it's so clogged,
And why? It's not fair.
It's clogged. It is clogged
With all of mein hair.
I do not understand.
I'm going on a toboggan.
Dum chigga bulla oompa ga,
ooh mein,
Both: Unkloggen!
You Can't Flush Me Away ('90s Rhythm and Blues).
Wayne Brady:Well, you'll never never get rid of me. No one, push push.
You'll never get me to the toilet so you can flush.
I'll never never leave you, 'cause you've got part of my soul.
I'm gonna make love to you, girl, as I'm goin' down the bowl.
Brad Sherwood:Baby, baby, listen to what I say.
You ain't never gonna, flush my love away.
I twirl around, any which way you please.
Baby, grab your toilet paper, 'cause I'm beggin' on my knees.
Ow.
Both:You're never fonna flush my love away.
Never gonna flush my love away.
No, never never flush my love away.
Wayne: Ehh yeah.
Brad: Ow.
Pro Bowler.
Spray Le Shoes (French Ballad).
Wayne Brady:
Because my shoes you must inspect
You use Lysol to disinfect
They are bowling shoes, you must abuse them
But I will not wear them, fifty people have used them
Yes you see, ooh little bitty worms
Fifty people with foot fungus germs
Just spray them
Spray them, ooh lah lah
Gutterball (Doo Wop).
Wayne Brady:
I knew this girl, that I liked
She could not bowl at all, she couldn't make a strike
She'd take the ball, her hands they were like butter
She let go down the alley, and oh-oh hit the gutter
Gutter-ball
No-oh-oh-oh the gutter-ball
Ah-ooh
Bowl Me, Strike Me, Spare Me (Jerry Lee Lewis).
Wayne Brady:
Listen girl, let me tell you this
I love to bowl, and I won't miss
I'll take that ball, and that's not all
And down the pins, and I just won't miss
Now you can bowl me, strike me, spare
Oh listen girl, 'cuz I just don't care
Why don't you take your ball and get outta here
And listen to me, look at my derrière
Oh, I grab my ball, I put it down the alley
I go bowling with my girlfriend named Sally
She can't bowl, like I can
Because I've got two balls and I'm a bowling man
Bowl me, strike me, [?] this
[?] strike and you bowl, you miss
I guarantee that I won't miss
So when you [?], can you strike, can you spare me this?
| Music Lyrics/Greatest Hits |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Hoedown
Hoedown was played on many occassions on both the British and American versions of Whose Line.
| Music Lyrics/Hoedown |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Hoedown/UK
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Hoedown lyrics, covering the entire British run.
Barristers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
I was in the courtroom just the other day,<br>
And the jury, I began to sway.<br>
I was doing my final speech and it was going really well<br>
When the judge fell asleep. Bloody hell!<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
I'm a lawyer and I'm needed to hire an assistant.<br>
I saw a girl outside and she was awfully persistant.<br>
She came in and told me all her legal beliefs.<br>
Later on, I fell asleep and she went through my briefs.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Lawyers sue for everything. It really makes no sense.<br>
I just got a suit against me because of impotence.<br>
I really thought it was awful. I felt like such a bad sport.<br>
But luckily, they couldn't make it stand up in court.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I made a big mistake and I stole the car.<br>
Cops pulled me over before I got too far.<br>
I know I'll get convicted and go to the pen,<br>
'Cause I'm being represented by Clive Anderson!<br>
All: Clive Anderson!
Being a Tory Politician.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Tory politicians, they really are a drag.<br>
Bumming common people, that just ain't my bag.<br>
But I am a waffler and a total prat,<br>
So next election I will vote liberal democrat.<br>
Rory Bremner:<br>
No one likes our party. They think we're full of shit.<br>
United over Europe, and most of us are split.<br>
They're going off on holiday. I do not really care.<br>
The feel good factor's coming soon. It's name is Tory Blair.<br>
Hey!<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Politics is very strange. It confuses me a lot.<br>
There's tories, liberals, whigs, and others put me on the spot.<br>
They do things very strange.<br>
("faints")<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Being in power can loom really large.<br>
Seems everyone wants to really be in charge.<br>
People who want power will do anything on a dare.<br>
As a matter of fact, that's why Clive ripped out all his hair.<br>
All: Clive ripped out his hair!<br>
Being Born.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Life is very fickle from birth to the tomb,<br>
Then I remember one day when I came out of the womb.<br>
I came out a'spluttering and covered in green mush.<br>
The first thing that I heard was "Push! Push! Push!"<br>
Caroline Quentin:<br>
I am being born and headed out the womb.<br>
I am being born. I'm coming just too soon.<br>
I am being born. I can hear a cry.<br>
I am being born. I'm hurting ma, that's why.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
My son was born the other day.<br>
It really was exciting. Really really, in a big way.<br>
I looked at him there, with his great big smile.<br>
I didn't know I had him upside down all the while.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
All I really feel is a doctor's hands on my bum.<br>
He's pulling really hard and I'm afraid here I come.<br>
I want to stay where I am; don't want to leave that tube.<br>
Hey, but since I'm out here, give me some of that big old boob.<br>
Mmm!<br>
All: Some of that big old boo-oo-ooob!<br>
Being Stood Up.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Caroline Quentin:<br>
Last night, I waited. I waited all night long.<br>
I waited for my boyfriend. I sang a little song.<br>
Where in the hell are you, darling dear?<br>
But he didn't turn up, so I'm still waiting here.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, I met a girl I really really liked.<br>
I hoped that she would come over but she wouldn't. Can you believe it?<br>
"You know, I've been waiting. I've been waiting."<br>
"No call! No phone call!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
When it comes to girls, I seem to have some kind of vex.<br>
I can never get what I want, and that is sex.<br>
I just a'run around and scream and I rant.<br>
I guess I should just pay money like my friend, Hugh Grant.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I waited in the restaurant. I waited just all night.<br>
I drank so much whiskey, I began to get quite tight.<br>
And then no one turned up in the end, and I thought "oh no!"<br>
And then I kissed a labrador and then I - ("cracks up")
Biting Nails.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Caroline Quentin:<br>
Yee-haw!<br>
I always like biting my nails. It makes me feel so good.<br>
I always like biting my nails, although I know I should.<br>
I sometimes get a bit of dirt right between my teeth.<br>
It makes me feel just great biting nails just beneath.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I really like to bite some nails. I really really do.<br>
I bite them, bite them, bite them, and then I shout "Yahoo!".<br>
I bite them here. I bite them there, right down to the bone.<br>
But I never never never bite my own.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
There's one thing I really shouldn't do.<br>
It's my nails that I love to chew.<br>
Day after day, I can't stop. What a twist.<br>
I've chewed off all my fingers. Now I'm nibbling on my wrist.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I really like to chew my nails. I do it all night through.<br>
And then when I finish, I said to myself, "phew!".<br>
And then I go and get a slice of ice cream and raspberry ripple.<br>
And after that, I begin to suck and swallow my own nipples.<br>
All: Swallow my own nipples!
Bungee Jumping.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
I went up the Eiffel Tower just the other day.<br>
I threw off myself, my braces, and they swayed.<br>
I went down and I went up, and down and up again.<br>
I went up down so fast, I ended up in Big Ben.<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
The other day, my girlfriend said, "Greg, you want a thrill?".<br>
She took me to a bridge at the bottom of a hill.<br>
She tied a cord to my back, and I ran out of luck,<br>
'Cause when she pushed me off it, I just yelled out "Wow!".<br>
"Colin!"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I love to bungee jump. I do it everyday.<br>
It's such a nifty, nifty, nifty, nifty way to play.<br>
I like to do it, and people say it's dangerous, but it depends.<br>
I find it really dangerous 'cause I don't tie the other end.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I like to jump off bridges. It's really lots of fun,<br>
But I'm in a lot of pain when the day is done.<br>
I don't have a cord, but you'll never hear me blubber.<br>
I can still go up and down. My penis is made of rubber.<br>
All: My penis is made of rubber!
Christmas.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
Well, I love Christmas. I wish it was every day.<br>
I love Christmas. Do you hear what I say?<br>
Sometimes I go up and sometimes I go down.<br>
Did you know there was a man called Coco the Clown?<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I love my Christmas. I love it every year.<br>
'Cause I shove food in my mouth. I grin ear to ear.<br>
My cholesterol is high.<br>
("faints")<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I really love Christmas. It's better than the rest.<br>
When it comes to holidays, you know it is the best.<br>
I like to celebrate. I guess I know how it goes.<br>
That's why I prefer to sleep with a reindeer with a red nose.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I like Father Christmas. You know he's a hell of a man.<br>
I try to see him once a year, as often as I can. <br>
When he comes, I do all the locks<br>
And he comes down the chimney and he fills up my socks.<br>
All: He fills up my socks!<br>
Cinema.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
The favourite thing in my life is such a crazy dream.<br>
I'd like to be a movie star, up there on the screen.<br>
But I'll never be a movie star. No, no, no, no, no.<br>
'Cause I'm too busy snogging on the back row.<br>
Stephen Frost:<br>
I love film. I could watch them all night.<br>
I like watching them when I'm in flight.<br>
The ones on the airplane, the box screen is too small,<br>
But that's alright. Don't bother me. I've only got one ball.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I am the person that people want to kill.<br>
Don't really mind. To me, it's kind of a thrill.<br>
I'm used to it now. To me, it's nothing new.<br>
'Cause I'm the guy that comes in and sits in front of you.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I saw a film the other day. It wasn't very good.<br>
It starred something that looked like a plank of wood.<br>
I looked a little bit closer. I must've been going insane.<br>
It wasn't a plank of wood at all. It was Michael Caine.<br>
All: It was Michael Caine!<br>
Coffee.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
When I am in England, I'll have a cup of tea.<br>
I'll drink a cafe latte when I'm in Italy.<br>
But when I'm in America, I have lots of luck.<br>
I order coffee from a fast food place, but it's hot as...<br>
Catherine O'Hara:<br>
I like my java<br>
As hot as lava.<br>
I have fifty cups as the day passes.<br>
But I don't feel real up<br>
Unless I take twelve cups<br>
And shove them up my asses.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
("sung almost incomprehensibly fast")<br>
I drink a lot of coffee. I really really do.<br>
I really really do. I don't know what to do.<br>
I think the caffeine's affecting me. I really don't know what to do.<br>
But, you know, I really like it. I'll have some more now.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Lattes, cappucinos, I really can't see.<br>
I like black coffee, and everyone laughs at me.<br>
When I order, they think I have no class.<br>
Why don't they take that expresso machine and shove it up their ass?<br>
All: Shove it up their ass!<br>
Colin Mochrie.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
"Haha! I'm shocked!"<br>
I love to sing like Colin. I really really do.<br>
I really really really really really really do.<br>
And when I sing like Colin, it makes me have great joy<br>
Because I... Nooooooooooo!<br>
Phil LaMarr:<br>
Well, there is the man they call the King of "Whose Line".<br>
His soul is on fire and his mind is very fine.<br>
He does a hoedown, and he very rarely sucks<br>
Because he is one talented, follically challenged canuck.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Everybody's having fun. They're singing all about me.<br>
Let's all laugh along with them. Ha ha ha. Hee hee.<br>
It really is amusing. Can't you all see?<br>
Look at them. Look at them. Of me, they're making a Mochrie.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
You've got to love Colin. I love him to the end.<br>
I have to admit that he is my best friend.<br>
I would not lie to you. This is no jive.<br>
Any way you look at it, he's still got more hair than Clive.<br>
All: More hair than Clive!<br>
Cricket.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Debi Durst:<br>
When I'm in England, I love to watch the telly.<br>
I like to watch cricket, but it looks really smelly.<br>
There are these guys flying around in white.<br>
What they heck are they doing? Hey, room service, give me a bite.<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
("in an extremely posh British accent")<br>
I'm a cricket player. I stand upon the pitch.<br>
I wait for the ball to come, and then I give it a switch.<br>
When the game is over, I retire for a beer.<br>
And I know what you're thinking. And no, we're not.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I hate watching cricket. How do they do that play?<br>
It seems to run and run and run, it goes on for fifty days.<br>
It takes so long, it takes so long, it really is a crime.<br>
In the time it takes to play cricket, I could make love 455 times.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I'm going to the cricket match with a pretty girl.<br>
I really don't like the game, but hey. Let's give it a whirl.<br>
I sit there, and make fun. Oh boy, I pick it.<br>
Until she gr- leans over and grabs my sticky wicket.<br>
All: Grab my sticky wicket!<br>
Doing the Laundry.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Well, chugga chugga chugga chugga chug. I'm a washing machine.<br>
Chugga chugga chugga chug. I'll get your clothes real clean.<br>
You put in a bunch of quarters right there in the slot.<br>
And when you take your clothes out.. "They haven't finished the rinse cycle. They're still damp."<br>
Archie Hahn:<br>
Yee hah ha! Haw haw haw haw!<br>
Y'all darn! I've got clothes. They're all filthy and dirty.<br>
I got all my shorts. I put 'em in my shirty.<br>
I'll fill 'em up with soap. I'll fill 'em up with suds.<br>
When they get all rinsed and squeezed out, then they're done.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Doing all your laundry can turn out to be fine.<br>
Just make sure that you have a'lots and lots of time.<br>
Keep an eye out. Always look at the clock.<br>
Take it out. Why is it I'm always missing a sock?<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I had myself a lady. She thinks I'm really keen.<br>
I take her to the laundromat. Have sex in the washing machine.<br>
And when you can come over, and maybe you can try her.<br>
Just get yourself a lady and get her in the dryer.<br>
All: Get her in the dryer!
Donkey Riding.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
I was riding my donkey up a stormy pass.<br>
I fell off onto the grass.<br>
I saw a man and he helped me back on.<br>
That's why I sing this song.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I like to ride my donkey. I ride him all day long.<br>
He is very very very very very strong.<br>
("Smiles contently")<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I am a donkey. I love to haul the goods.<br>
I think that's the way every donkey shoulds.<br>
As I am hauling, never without fail,<br>
Someone comes and polks in pin right in my tail.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I love my fluffy donkey. I like to call him "Clive".<br>
I dress him up in panties. He's the best animal alive.<br>
I like to dress him up in lots of frilly clothes<br>
And the two of us begin to star in certain videos.<br>
All: Certain videos!<br>
Examinations.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Oh, I went to college. I wasn't very smart.<br>
I thow my hands up, giving up, at the very start.<br>
Every test I take, you know, the test, it would I fail.<br>
But it doesn't matter 'cause I am Dan Quayle.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I had to take an exam. I studied very hard.<br>
I thought up very very hard and put things on a card.<br>
I studied, studied, tried, tried, tried all my best<br>
And then I went and realized it was a urine test.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, I love exams. They are so much fun.<br>
I love to take the paper and sit down on my bum.<br>
Oh, I am very smart. Oh, it might sound kind of silly.<br>
But I pass every test because I write notes right there on my willy.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I hate examinations. It fills me with such fear.<br>
I get the collywobbles and lots of diarrhea.<br>
So if you are a student, don't care about the pain.<br>
Get through your exams by taking lots of cocaine.<br>
All: Taking lots of cocaine!
Excessive Drinking.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I used to like the booze. I used to like the trickin',<br>
But now I get my kicks going out toad lickin'.<br>
I go out to the desert and find myself a frog<br>
And lick it's psychedelic back 'til I'm high as a dog.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
Out on the plains, there ain't no liquor store.<br>
There's just some big cactus and not very much more.<br>
But the Agave, I tell you gives the juice.<br>
You put it in, let it ferment. It really cuts you loose.<br>
"Haha!"<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
("mumbles with a hankerchief in his mouth")<br>
...And then I cut it off!<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Drinking lots of liquor can go right to your head.<br>
Well, one day I drank so much that I woke and I was dead.<br>
Oh, drinking. It really takes some nerve,<br>
But at least I'm dead. Hey, I am well preserved.<br>
All: Am well preserved!
Feeding the Cat.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Chip: "Sing it, Jed!"<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
"I'm gonna! Woo!"<br>
Well, I'm a little kitty. You know, my name is Tabby.<br>
My master feeds me too much. That's why my butt's so flabby.<br>
He put me on a diet. He tried to slim me down.<br>
He stuffed me in the backyard and put me in the ground.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I always feed my kitty the way a master should.<br>
In fact, I feed all the kitties in the neighborhood.<br>
They look at me kind of strange. Some are even bitter.<br>
I guess they figured out I'm feeding them kitty litter.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I love to feed my kitten. I feed him from the fridge.<br>
I feed him flies and rats and little tiny midges.<br>
The problem is I'm blind. I've got eyesight like a mole,<br>
So sometimes I try to stuff the food in the wrong hole.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I've got a sad story. It really is a pity.<br>
I fed some bad poison. I fed it to my kitty.<br>
I put it in a bowl. I laid it on his plate.<br>
And now my kitty lost his life. He's got another eight.<br>
All: He's got another eight!
Foreign Travel.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
I'm a girl, as you can see.<br>
I love to travel to lots of countries.<br>
I've been to Thailand. I got there for free.<br>
Yes, I have been everywhere, but I've never been to me.<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
I'd like to say "Howdy!" to everyone right here.<br>
Because I come from America and I'm not from here.<br>
But if you come to my place, I'm sure you'll find it's hot.<br>
There's drugs and sex and beaches, and you might get shot.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Come on over to Canada! We've got mountains galore.<br>
We've got people who sleep soundly. You'll never hear them snore.<br>
We've got seas and planes, and things and things and things and things and things.<br>
And everyone, everyone... sing better than this.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Every year in England, when it starts to rain,<br>
My wife and I go away on a big old train.<br>
When it comes to sex, I think that I'm the best.<br>
But she likes to refer to me as the Orient Express.<br>
All: The Orient Express!<br>
Fried Foods.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Hooo!<br>
I work in a kitchen. I'm a short order cook.<br>
Though you may not think it, I'm smarter than I look.<br>
Every morning when people come in and they want eggs and ham,<br>
I don't feel like cooking, so I whack them with my frying pan.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, I have fun frying up some kitties.<br>
I throw them in a pan. I think it's kind of witty.<br>
I watch them sizzle and sizzle. Oh boy, what fun.<br>
And I'm sure they won't stick 'cause this pan is teflon.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I have fun with fried foods, especially when it's really hot.<br>
I've got all the fried foods in the world and you have naught.<br>
It's not as much. It doesn't sound quite feeble.<br>
I use all my hot food to burn Jeremy Beadle.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I like to fry a lot. I fry on my griddle.<br>
I get me big steaks. I fry them 'til they're little.<br>
I know it ain't good for me, but I just love it all,<br>
'Cause sometimes when my veins fill up with that cholesterol.<br>
All: That cholesterol!
Gambling.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I entered the lottery. I bought myself a ticket.<br>
Watched all the numbers. I saw all the people pick it.<br>
And now I'm really rich.<br>
"Wait. I don't have to sing. I don't have to do this. I'm rich! I can do anything I want! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha!"<br>
Giving Birth.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I am nine months pregnant. I tell you that it hurts.<br>
Every year, I pop out a couple of little squirts.<br>
But when I go into the room to have those little drugs,<br>
Oh-- "Fuck my ass!"<br>
"You know, failing is one of the major parts of television. Uh, if we may, I'll pick it up."<br>
Well, I'm a little baby. I live inside my mummy.<br>
In a couple months' time, I'll come out of her tummy.<br>
When I'm grown, I will run around on rugs<br>
But so she doesn't cry, I hope she takes a lot of drugs.<br>
Karen Maruyama:<br>
"Alright!"<br>
Well, having a baby should be given to men,<br>
'Cause when I had mine, I killed my OB/GYN.<br>
Hey, having a baby, it makes me want to beg<br>
'Cause nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your leg.<br>
"Ow!!"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
There's nothing more beautiful in this great big Earth<br>
Than watching a wife giving birth.<br>
Just seeing it filled me with ecstasy.<br>
The thing I liked best was thank God it wasn't me. <br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Watching a baby come out can be really neat.<br>
I pull up a chair and I sit right down at her feet.<br>
They called the police on me, so I'm headed out the door,<br>
Apparently because that she's never seen me before.<br>
All: Seen me before!
Golf.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
When I was a schoolboy, my teacher said to me,<br>
"I'm going to teach you golf. This is called a tee.<br>
You put the ball on it and swing very hard,<br>
But make sure you use a club and not a piece of lard".<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
"You stunned me."<br>
"Uhh... Ahhh..."<br>
I'm next to Colin Mochrie. He really is a chum.<br>
Before we shoot the programme, he lets me pat his bum.<br>
But when we go out golfing, it really makes me sick,<br>
'Cause he always asks me to grab onto his stick.<br>
"I don't know. What am I? A genius?"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I love playing golf. I play it all the time,<br>
Though the way I play it, some think it is a crime.<br>
My golfing instructor told me it was lots of fun.<br>
When he stepped in front of me, whoops, hole in one.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
When I go golfing, we always bet a buck <br>
And my friend kisses me. He kisses for good luck.<br>
I'm not saying I'm aroused 'cause he is just a friend,<br>
But when he smooches me, it makes my putter stand on end.<br>
All: Putter stand on end!
Grandmothers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
I went to my grandmother's just the other week.<br>
She greeted the door and gave my nipple a tweak.<br>
She's always doing that to me when my back is turned.<br>
Last week she opened a cowshed, and there was a milk urn.<br>
Josie Lawrence:<br>
I love my grandmother 'cause she is very nice.<br>
I go and see her on Sundays and she gives me some advice<br>
Like always use a Bible and never shave your legs,<br>
And tomorrow she's teaching me how to suck eggs.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I have a mobile phone. It is really neat.<br>
It dials and calls and washes my feet.<br>
It expands and grows and turns into a plane.<br>
It really is great, neat. I'm insane.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I love my grandmother and when the day ends,<br>
I discover that we are a bit more than friends.<br>
("stands in disbelief")<br>
...the teeth right off her gums.<br>
All: The teeth right off her gums!
Hairdressers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
"Woo!"<br>
Oh, I hate going for haircuts. It really is a drag<br>
'Cause I think that my barber is a mighty hag.<br>
Every time I sit in the chair, I just say, "Damn my luck"<br>
'Cause he always cuts my hair, and then I yell out "Darn".<br>
Russell Fletcher:<br>
To get a haircut, I need to save up a new bob<br>
To get a nice neat one so I can get that new job.<br>
But when I went in, I came out a little bit queerer.<br>
I hadn't been to the hairdresser. I'd been to the sheep shearer.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, I'm not sure of my barber. I think he's kind of strange.<br>
The way he likes to play with my hair. He always rearrange.<br>
I'm not sure about him. I don't think he's the kind of guy.<br>
But I can't complain when he likes to blow me dry.<br>
Josie Lawrence:<br>
"Yaaay! Yee-haw!"<br>
Well, I hate hairdressers and all the things they say.<br>
They push my neck over the sink and say, "Have you been on holiday?".<br>
I hate hairdressers. I ain't been to one since.<br>
I asked them for a blow dry and they gave me a blue rinse.<br>
All: They gave me a blue rinse!
Halloween.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I like trick or treating. I go from door to door.<br>
I aak for candy, ask for sweets, and then I ask for more.<br>
Sometimes they give me lots of rocks and bugs,<br>
But I do not care 'cause I trick or treat on drugs.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Oh, I'm so glad that Halloween is finally here,<br>
'Cause Halloween's my favourite time of the entire year.<br>
I dress up and give all the kids a nasty fright.<br>
I really don't know why I'm not wearing a mask tonight.<br>
Niall Ashdown:<br>
Last Halloween, there was terrible blizzards.<br>
It was caused by a nasty old wizard.<br>
He was at his window and caused a fearful spell.<br>
And when I woke up in the morning, I did smell.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Halloween can be such a special night.<br>
It's a chance you get to run around and scare and fright.<br>
When people open the door, oh boy, do they run.<br>
That's because every year, I dress as Clive Anderson.<br>
All: Clive Anderson!
Making Cheese.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I used to masturbate a lot. I stopped it, if you please.<br>
I found another hobby. I call it making cheese.<br>
I use a tiny goat. Sometimes it will curdle,<br>
'Cause when I want skim milk, I got to put the goat in a girdle.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I have a little cheese shop. I sell all kinds of cheese.<br>
Just come in with money, and I'll take it, if you please.<br>
I sell from all kinds of nations, from here and from there.<br>
From here and there, and there and here. I used to masturbate.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I like to eat my cheese with my best friend.<br>
We'd been eatin' eatin' 'til the very end.<br>
I like to eat with my friend. Don't you know he's Sam?<br>
After I'm done with cheese, I like to edam.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
I've got a billion cheeses all around my house<br>
To entice my lover, which is a brown field mouse.<br>
She is so darn happy 'cause she's in love with me.<br>
When we make love, we make love in lots of warm runny brie.<br>
All: Lots of warm runny brie!
Marital Problems.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Yee-haw!<br>
I've been having problems with me and my feller,<br>
So we went to see a marriage counselor.<br>
Her name was Helen. She was very nice.<br>
Now I live with her instead and my life is full of spice.<br>
Stephen Fry:<br>
"He's good. Isn't he?"<br>
"Music and sex are very similiar to me. Um, I just can't make them."<br>
"Uh, whenever I do or whenever I try to, I find the best ways to fake them."<br>
"I- I've been to that Ann Summers shop. I've been to every branch."<br>
"The only way I can really get it off is with Richard Vranch."<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I'm a great blue whale and I live underseas.<br>
I'm having problems with my wife... and me.<br>
She always talks about old boyfriends. It really makes me sick.<br>
Well, how the hell can I compare to a guy named Moby Dick?<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I live in the U.S., married a girl from the south.<br>
She's always screaming, got a really big old mouth.<br>
She comes out a'swingin', a'screamin', and a'fussin'.<br>
I guess that's what you get when you marry your sister's brother's cousin.<br>
All: Sister's brother's cousin!
Motorcycling.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I love to ride my Harley. I ride it day and night.<br>
I drive all through the neighbourhood to give the kids a fright.<br>
It may seem kind of stupid, it may seem kind of fun,<br>
But they always freak out when I dress up like a nun.<br>
Ron West:<br>
I like to ride my Harley. I like to ride it fast.<br>
I get my bitch on the back of me and I slap her ass.<br>
Sometimes we go fast. We hit our jaws.<br>
I don't give a good damn about the helmet laws.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I like to ride my bike, now. I think it's really slick.<br>
And it's the best way to pick up a chick.<br>
She gets on and waves and says all her bye-byes.<br>
There's nothing like hot metal between her thighs.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Well, Harley-Davidson's an awesome machine.<br>
Driving Kawasakis is for just a two bit queen.<br>
I love to go riding around so manly in the dirt,<br>
And sometimes on the weekends I wear panties and a skirt.<br>
All: Panties and a skirt!
Motorways.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
"Woo! Yahoo!"<br>
("makes engine noises")<br>
When I came to England, I met me a man.<br>
He was shiny and bald. His name was Clive Anderson.<br>
There was some confusion. I said, "Where's the freeway?".<br>
He said, "No, you silly twat. It's called a motorway".<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I use the motorway each and every day.<br>
It really turns a lot like work. It really is not play.<br>
I got hit badly. And why, do you suppose?<br>
I got rear ended by a guy picking his nose.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Driving home from work can be lots of fun.<br>
Driving down the highway when your work is done.<br>
I love to watch the bugs as they splat against my glass.<br>
The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I like the sound of motorways when things go splat.<br>
I look out my car window and I've run over a cat.<br>
The thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life,<br>
Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25.<br>
All: Designed the M25!
Pony Trekking.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Yeeee-haw!<br>
Well, love is nothing but balogna.<br>
I'd rather be with my little pony.<br>
Trekking up the hillside. Trekking down the course.<br>
I love my pony. I also love my horse.<br>
Rory Bremner:<br>
I like pony trekking on the holiday programme.<br>
I like drawing pictures of where I go, and even diagrammes.<br>
I like going on ponies, and bashing them with bricks.<br>
It doesn't really hurt me, but it makes them go much faster.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
Hey, pony roundup in the summertime!<br>
Pony roundup in the summertime!<br>
I take 'em left to right on path<br>
And then I take 'em to the osteopath.<br>
Pony... summertime.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I like to go a'trekking in the country on a pony.<br>
I'm very friendly with the critter. I say, "Hello, I'm Tony".<br>
And then, oh look out! There's something nasty in the way.<br>
It's not a pony dumpy. It is Mr. Anderson's toupee.<br>
All: Mr. Anderson's toupee!<br>
Presidential Ethics.
"with Win Meyerson at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I'm independent counsel. My name is Kenneth Starr.<br>
I hunt for suspects everywhere, both near and so far.<br>
I hunt for secretaries and the President's wife.<br>
The reason that I do all this is I have no life.<br>
Phil LaMarr:<br>
Well, there's plenty of reasons to be commander in chief.<br>
To help the people and give social relief.<br>
To do something that might help the world.<br>
Or, of course, you could just do it to get the girls.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
What the hell's going on? The country's gone to pot.<br>
The President's having lots of sex, while I am not.<br>
I think it's really horrible. It's really quite a sin.<br>
Why don't we hire a celibate like Wilt Chamberlain?<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I think we have the best President that I've ever seen.<br>
The way his sexy voice sounds, I think he's really keen.<br>
A lot of people think he's a crook. They think something's amiss.<br>
'Course, what do I know? I'm just a stewardess.<br>
All: I'm just a stewardess!<br>
Puberty.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
When I was a young man, I went to my friend's house for tea.<br>
But he was growing up too fast. He was going through puberty.<br>
He had hairs on his top lip and underneath his arms.<br>
His mother came in and caught us kissing and... joined in.<br>
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Oh, oh, I hate puberty.<br>
All my things are sticking out and I've got acne.<br>
Oh, oh, oh, I do not want to grow,<br>
So as this is a hoedown, I'll just do-si-do.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I like going grey. I really really do.<br>
I really really really really, please don't misconstrue.<br>
To many, it's a source of consternation,<br>
But I'm quite happy with my hair pigmentation.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Things are starting to happen to me way below my belt.<br>
It's the strangest thing that I had ever felt.<br>
I turn out the lights and I play with my crotch<br>
Every night when I watch all the girls on Baywatch.<br>
All: Girls on Baywatch!
Reading of the Will.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
When my father passed away, we had to read the will.<br>
I didn't turn up 'cause I was feeling ill.<br>
I got a letter in the post. It said I had three million quid.<br>
So I went out and bought a horse, and this is what I did:<br>
Yeeeeee hawww!<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
The other day, I went to my dad's funeral.<br>
He crossed himself an elephant. It didn't go too well.<br>
The elephant was willing. My daddy, he said, "Ouch".<br>
It took me 27 days to scrape him off the couch.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
My brother passed away last week. I guess that's kind of sad<br>
Because he's the best brother that I have ever had.<br>
But he will always be with me because we made a pact.<br>
I'll put my hand right up him and start a ventriliquist act.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
My mother died the other day. I hit her with a kosh.<br>
I hoped that in the will, she would leave me lots of dosh.<br>
But when I read the will, I found out that I was not rich.<br>
She just left me her knickers. What a stupid bitch.<br>
All: What a stupid bitch!
Rubik's Cube.
"with Duncan Walsh Atkins at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh me.<br>
I seem to have a Rubik's C-U-B-E.<br>
Don't know how to do it. I wish that I was dead.<br>
I can't get the blue, or the yellow, or the white, or even the red.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
Please stop clapping. It puts me out my stride.<br>
I don't want to do this cube 'cause it's so wide.<br>
It's ten inches long. I don't know what to do.<br>
But at least with the red and yellow, I've made the blue.<br>
Josie: "Blue!"
Humphrey Ker:<br>
When I was a young boy, I had a Rubik's Cube.<br>
But that was before I discovered good YouTube.<br>
If I stuck with the toy, I'd probably be a banker,<br>
But instead I spend my time on the net and now I am a wanker.<br>
Neil Mullarkey:<br>
La la la la la la la la la la la la la.<br>
La la la la la la la. Rubik cube.<br>
La la la la la la la la la la la la.<br>
River Danube!<br>
Scuba Diving (1).
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
On the prairie, it's real dry. We don't know why.<br>
We wait for it to rain and so we can take a dive.<br>
We put on our masks, and put on our tanks, and dive right into the dirt,<br>
And then when we hit our heads on a rock, damn, it really hurts.<br>
"Woo!"<br>
George McGrath:<br>
I like to put on real tight clothes and then go underwater,<br>
But every time I get there, I wonder if I oghter.<br>
'Cause then I see lots of things. There's swimming swimming fish.<br>
And they make me talk ("gurgling") like this.<br>
"Hey!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I love all the fishies, all the sharkies too.<br>
When I see one come towards me, I swim like you.<br>
Out of all the friends down there, hey, don't you know?<br>
There's a friend of mine, the very popular Jacques Cousteau.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
"Okay, now some fruity George Balanchine cowboy dancing!"<br>
I, I'm a scuba diver boy.<br>
I dive for pearls and I pick 'em up like toys.<br>
But when I'm deep, and I really got no cares,<br>
Until I turn all blue 'cause I ain't got no air.<br>
Ryan: He's got no air, he's got no air.<br>
All: He's got no air, he's got no air. He ain't got no air!
Scuba Diving (2).
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Mike: Yeeee-haaaww!<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
I dance underwater. I do a coral jig.<br>
I live there with my friend, a tiny inflatable pig.<br>
Wearing a rubber suit, that is my fervent wish,<br>
I scuba dive all day long so I can have sex with fish.<br>
"Wooo!"<br>
"Sing it, boy."<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
Three feet under, I'm here in the water, here.<br>
I've got my mask on. I'm feeling good, oh dear.<br>
I'm nuzzling up to fishes, I'm all in the deep blue sea.<br>
I can't have enough fun, like Jacques Cousteau, you see.<br>
"Haha!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I'm not very good at swimming. I hope that I don't drown,<br>
And if I do, I hope that sooner or later, my body's found.<br>
I think I'm going there, now. My vision's getting soft.<br>
Where the hell when you need him is David Hasselhoff?<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I like my scuba diving kit. My pleasure never ends.<br>
As long as I don't surface quickly, then I get the bends.<br>
I get all my friends, and my uncles and aunties,<br>
And the most important equipment is my waterproof panties.<br>
All: Waterproof panties!
Sex Change.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Sam Johnson:<br>
Yeee-haw! Woo hoo! Hooo! Heeee!<br>
When I first did meet you, I wanted to give you a whirl.<br>
Too bad that you were not a girl.<br>
Now that all has changed, I thank my lucky star<br>
That you went to Denmark.<br>
Yee-haw!<br>
Jane Brucker:<br>
I'll tell you one thing. I think it's kind of hip.<br>
Now that I'm a guy, I never wax my lip.<br>
Ever since I just took my brand new testosterone.<br>
I've discovered that I've got myself a brand new bone.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
My friends no longer know me. They think that things have changed.<br>
All my parts have been rearranged.<br>
They don't know me any longer as "Billy"<br>
Since they cut off my willy.<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
I have a little boy. You know, his name is Tom.<br>
I was his daddy, but now I am his mom.<br>
I was a tough one, as tough as old Charles Bronson,<br>
Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson.<br>
All: They cut off my Johnson!
Sex.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Oh, I'm a randy bugger. I really get around.<br>
I like to have a shag with everyone in town.<br>
I have lots of fun. I'm as happy as can be,<br>
And that's 'cause my name is Tony Slattery.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I love making love. I do it every day.<br>
My girlfriend's a contortionist. We do it every way.<br>
It's really quite remarkable the ways that she can bend.<br>
She also is a psychic. She foresaw her own end.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Living in the country, there's really not much to do.<br>
I love to grab anything and have a real good screw.<br>
I guess it's really bad. I guess it's kind of sad,<br>
But my girlfriend looks at me and says, "Hey you're not baaaaaad".<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I am a little kinky. My panties are made of fur.<br>
I like to stay in evenings, just me and my cucumber.<br>
And then I pull my pants down and start to paint my tush,<br>
And dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush.<br>
All: Squat on Barbara Bush!
Skiing.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Ron West:<br>
I put on my skis and I look like a dope.<br>
I'm going down the hill, which is also called a slope.<br>
I feel really good when I'm doing the giant slalom.<br>
I can't ever do it right, but that's why my name's Nullem.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Drinking coffee and skiing can be a lot of fun<br>
When you're heading down that long ski run.<br>
It can be really fun. Don't you, don't you know?<br>
But the best part is writing with pee pee in the snow.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
My girlfriend, when she started to ski with a branch,<br>
Then she was swallowed up by an avalanche.<br>
It really is quite ugly. It really is sublime.<br>
But now when I see slopes, you know, alpine.<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
Oh, I'm a little yuppie. You know I like to ski.<br>
I take my beamer to the slopes. Just me, my wife, and mistress, and me.<br>
And when I get done skiing, you know it's just a dodge.<br>
What I really like to do is pick up chicks in the lodge.<br>
All: Pick up chicks in the lodge!
Smelly Feet and Bad Breath.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
I know something, it works just a treat.<br>
It got rid of my smelly feet.<br>
I wash them with my mouth and they smell just like roses.<br>
Unfortunately, though, it's given me halitosis.<br>
Caroline Quentin:<br>
The other day, I started feeling quite weezy.<br>
Suddenly, I smelt my boyfriend's feet were cheesy.<br>
So I looked down at his little toes<br>
And I took a hammer and I put it up his nose.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
My breath really smells bad. My feet have a pong.<br>
I really smell bad. It is all wrong.<br>
It's horrible. It's horrible. And there is quite a link.<br>
Because of my feet stinking, seven species are extinct.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
What's that that smells so bad a'lying on the beach?<br>
It's those smelly feet and they're within reach.<br>
I will take a big night off and cut them out just for a lark.<br>
Throw them in the water. They're food for a shark.<br>
All: Food for a shark!
Space Travel (1).
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Oh, I'm a tiny martian. I'm green and full of mirth.<br>
I have one mission only, to dominate the Earth.<br>
I'll give you a new leader, and he won't take no jive.<br>
He's got no neck, his hair is bald, and his name is Clive.<br>
George Wendt:<br>
We've got a problem, Houston. I don't have the right stuff.<br>
I'm going to go to space now to look for stuff that they make fluff out of.<br>
"Dance break!"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
My wife and I are astronauts and we need information.<br>
We've been made to have some sex upon the old space station.<br>
We did it and, wouldn't you know, we got into a bad fight.<br>
Hey, is it my fault that I'm faster than the speed of light?<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I fly around space. All around the clock.<br>
It's my job 'cause my name is Doctor Spock.<br>
Sometimes I get bored on a three year tour.<br>
But I make it easier by sleeping with Uhura.<br>
All: Sleeping with Uhura!
Space Travel (2).
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
I like doing hoedowns, especially in space.<br>
I do them with antennas. I do them with lots of grace.<br>
But tonight is really special and I'll buy all the beers,<br>
'Cause I'm doing a space hoedown next do Norm from "Cheers".<br>
George Wendt:<br>
We've got a problem, Houston. I don't have the right stuff.<br>
I'm going to go to space now to look for stuff that they make fluff out of.<br>
"Dance break!"<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I am an astronaut. My last trip was a pip.<br>
I was captured by some aliens and put upon their ship.<br>
They put me in the corner, then they made me disrobe.<br>
Let me tell you, nothing hurts more than a Martian probe.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
It's just me and another guy floating around space.<br>
Just to break the boredom, sometimes he wears lace.<br>
Houston knows about it, but they never make a fuss<br>
Unless they catch me circling around his Uranus.<br>
All: Around his Uranus!
Stone Carving.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Meskimen:<br>
"Heh ha!"<br>
If other hobbies leave you in the lurch,<br>
You can always break out your chisel and carve yourself a perch.<br>
That's right. You can carve a marble or a granite.<br>
Just go ahead and have at it.<br>
"Haha!"<br>
Christopher Smith:<br>
You may spend a couple hours cleaning off the sediment<br>
From that age-old fallen pediment.<br>
But once you've done it, you will notice with ease<br>
That it's one of them Grecian frieze.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Well, you know carving is lots of fun.<br>
It's cheaper to buy the rocks by the ton.<br>
I like it when I'm carving when I'm alone,<br>
But I find it's a lot easier when I am stoned.<br>
Josie Lawrence:<br>
Everybody chisel your marble. Chisel with ease.<br>
Chisel your marble, please.<br>
Chisel your marble. Chisel it right down.<br>
When you're sculpting, you won't wear, you won't wear a frown.<br>
Chisel your marble. That's all I can say.<br>
Take the stone and hit it every day.<br>
You can make most anything you want.<br>
Chisel your marble and chisel it right down.
Tight Trousers.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Mike McShane:<br>
I'm a western boy. I like my pants real tight.<br>
I like 'em long and lean and fitting just right.<br>
When I slip 'em on, they feel so nice and cool-y,<br>
Especially when they lynch me up and I'm pressed up against my goolies.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
I think pasta is religious. In fact, I think it's holy.<br>
I cover myself in marinara and pads of ravioli.<br>
I sometimes clean al dente with using it like floss,<br>
And sometimes I stir it in my pants to make the special sauce.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I love wearing pants that are very very tight.<br>
I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night.<br>
Sure, sometimes it just cuts off my circulation,<br>
But I don't-<br>
("faints")<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
When I go out clubbing, my pants are mighty tight.<br>
Sometimes it gets me in many many fights.<br>
Everybody looks at me. They go, "You son of a gun!".<br>
But I'm not actually wearing any. They're just painted on.<br>
All: They're just painted on!
Vasectomy.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
Well, I went to my doctor's and he said to me,<br>
"What you need is a vasectomy.<br>
Gotta cut your balls off and put them in a jar".<br>
And then he took his hat off and went, "Ha ha ha ha ha".<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I fight fires in Germany. They really are the worst.<br>
I now will do German in my next verse.<br>
Ich lieber dik gushdik, dat mansion il exploden<br>
Uger dat jumpin jumpin ulder trampolinin<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Some people think it's a really lousy job,<br>
But I love the fact working around somebody's knob.<br>
Everybody thinks that it's a job that really stinks,<br>
But I save up all the spare parts and I make up cuff links.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
The doctor went to work that day. He started right down there.<br>
He snipped around my tezzies and around my pubic hair.<br>
And for that job, I'm very grateful. Yes, I do give thanks,<br>
'Cause now every time that I make love, I'm always shooting blanks.<br>
All: Always shooting blanks!
Weddings.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
My brother got married. His name is Gromit.<br>
And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.<br>
The vicar cleared it up and put it under the cake<br>
And the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... dessert...<br>
Greg Proops:<br>
"Is that it? That's it? Alright."<br>
I believe in marriage. I think it is a treat.<br>
And on the day I married, I looked so very neat.<br>
But a couple of years later, I began to cry.<br>
It made me totally sick because my name is Lady Di.<br>
"Sssss."
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I hate weddings. They make me really sick.<br>
Just looking at them makes me go, "Ick! Ick!".<br>
I really just hate them. I hate them all the time.<br>
You know what I hate most of all? Greg just took my rhyme.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I make the wedding dresses in my special way.<br>
I make them for those pretty girls on their special day.<br>
But sometimes I get angry and I make such a fuss<br>
When I lift up the dress and find the bride's got a penis.<br>
All: Bride's got a penis!
Winning the Lottery.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Oh, I love the lottery. It makes me so excited<br>
And if I were to win it, I'm sure I'd be delighted.<br>
But every time I go to the shop, it is just a drag.<br>
I see the shopkeeper and I have to give him a shag.<br>
"Pretty exciting."<br>
Rory Bremner:<br>
I just won the lottery. My lucky number is six.<br>
Having won the lottery, I'm going to pick up loads of chicks.<br>
I'm going to take them out, and take them for dining, and then I'll have fun wth them all.<br>
I can't wait to see the smile on their face when they see my bonus ball.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
If I win the lottery, I'd be one happy clown<br>
Because then I'd hire someone to do this hoedown.<br>
So, if by what I say isn't funny and you're vexed<br>
Don't worry, because Ryan's come here with funny. He's next.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I hope to win the lottery with a lot of luck.<br>
Boy, would I go crazy. I'd probably even ("cough").<br>
I wouldn't change it all. I'd keep my same old life.<br>
Sure, I'd go to the whorehouse and maybe kick out my wife.<br>
All: Maybe kick out my wife!<br>
Women.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
I'm scared of spiders and animals, too,<br>
So I really freak out when I'm at the zoo.<br>
But the things that scare me most of all, are occassionally now and then<br>
Are those great big tall long lady things they call women.<br>
"Ewww!"<br>
Niall Ashdown:<br>
I first made love to a girl called Shiela.<br>
When we made love, she proved to be a bit of a squealer.<br>
First, I was scared, but there isn't anything finer<br>
Than to see her, because she's from Asia Minor.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I'm afraid of women, especially at night.<br>
They always come towards me. They give me such a fright.<br>
They're leathery and small and their wings get in my hair.<br>
Oh wait a minute, it's not women. It's vampire bats. I- Ohh.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
My girlfriend's kind of special. She's one of a kind.<br>
Down in Soho is where I did find.<br>
When I put my mouth on her, she really starts to blubber.<br>
I guess that's what you get for a girl made of rubber.<br>
All: Girl made of rubber!
World Leaders.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:<br>
Hi, ich bin. I'm German. My name is Helmut Kohl<br>
And you know, kids, I really really like to rock and roll.<br>
I like to go to America. It's where I get my kicks<br>
'Cause President Clinton knows all the easy chicks.<br>
"Don't even worry about it."<br>
Rory Bremner:<br>
Welcome to World Leaders. My name is David Frost.<br>
I'll bring you world leaders no matter what the cost.<br>
("As Bill Clinton") I'm a southern world leader. I'm a pleasant kind of fella.<br>
("As Nelson Mandela") But I'm an even nicer bloke. My name's Nelson Mandela.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I'm a world leader. I hate democracy.<br>
Because, you know I'm a dictator, you see.<br>
I'm going to make people march to and fro and back.<br>
The best thing about being a dictator is I look good in black.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Once, I ruled Israel with an iron hand.<br>
I was the best leader in all of the land.<br>
Sure, I was rich, but no one lived in fear.<br>
I've got silver in my pocket and gold in my ear.<br>
All: Gold in my ear!<br>
Worst Nightmare.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Stephen Frost:<br>
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time.<br>
I have this weird dream I'm covered in lime.<br>
And the giant licks me really really hard.<br>
And by the time he's finished, I've turned on up with... lard.<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
I have lots of nightmares and I try to be brave.<br>
I'm covered in vasceline with my mom in a cave.<br>
Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance,<br>
And in there in my bed is Colin in my pants.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Every night, I go to sleep. I go to sleep each night.<br>
And I have a horrible dream, it gives me quite a fright.<br>
I'm at a carnival, and a big cotton candy I've won.<br>
I eat it, eat it, and when I wake up, I find my pillow's gone.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear.<br>
That walking around my room is some sort of creature.<br>
"Let me start over."<br>
When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark.<br>
Then one night, I turn on the lights just for a lark.<br>
Ah! Right before me is a really ugly creature.<br>
Then I realize that I'm looking in the mirror.<br>
All: Looking in the mirror!
| Music Lyrics/Hoedown/UK |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Hoedown/US
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Hoedown lyrics, covering the entire American series.
100th Show.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
A hundred episodes of "Whose Line". Lord, it changed my life.
It gave me financial security for myself and my wife.
So thank you, ABC and Warner Brothers, you're my friend
'Cause if it wasn't for 'Whose Line', I'd be on UPN.
Drew Carey:
Well, today, it was our hundredth show.
It's been really fun. Great, doncha know?
Let me just tell you something, even though it's been a blast.
All you folks who've been watching "Friends", you can kiss my ass.
Colin Mochrie:
A hundred episodes of "Whose Line", where our name's being called.
A hundred shows of them saying that I'm bald.
Does it hurt the friendship? Can it stand the test?
Yes it can, 'cause I'm hung the best.
Ryan Stiles:
Colin says he's hung the best. That, I just can't see.
I've known him for a long time and it cannot be.
He says he's got a big penis, but that's not a lock
'Cause I have to tell you, right now, mine's tucked in my sock.
All: Mine's tucked in my sock!
Affair.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I'm having an affair, stepping out on my spouse.
Late nights calls and running from my house.
This affair has got me. Its hold on me is mighty.
No, it isn't with a woman. My affair is with Righty.
Drew Carey:
Well, I'm single so you may ask "How can I cheat?".
Well, I have a method and that method can't be beat.
What I've discovered is an affair to remember.
I'm thinking about Miss June while I'm looking at Miss November.
Colin Mochrie:
I feel so horrible. I cheated on my wife.
I haven't felt this bad in my entire life.
The affair happened at the restaurant where I waitered.
The best part was the affair was catered.
Chip Esten:
My wife caught me with a prostitute.
She came into the room and she began to shoot.
And then she went and yelled all around the town.
I know there's more prostitutes. I guess that's one ho down.
All: I guess that's one ho down!
Astronaut (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you something, my girlfriend, I was a slob.
But now look who's laughing. Astronaut, it is my job.
Flying around the universe, that is my duty.
I even made a pitstop in Mars and got some Martian booty.
Jeff Davis:
Well, I work for NASA and it is a great place.
They let me take me girlfriend up into outer space.
And now we're all alone up there and she sure knows how to please,
And her boobs really look nice in zero G's.
Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut but I'd rather be fishing,
Because I've been up in space for a ten year mission.
It really is so horrible. I'm really annoyed.
I've been sitting down so long, I've got asteroids.
Ryan Stiles:
I think you will find I'm the best astronaut that will be found.
I can't wait to blast off and leave this ground.
Soon as I get up there, oh boy, I yell, "Shoot".
I forgot about my training and I tinkled in my suit.
All: I tinkled in my suit!
Astronaut (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Ever since I was a little kid, lookin' at the sky, that was great.
I wanted to be an astronaut and fly up and stay up late,
But I'm a coward and I know this to my soul.
I don't need to be an astronaut, I'm already an expert in black holes.
Colin Mochrie:
I am an astronaut, high in outer space.
Look at me just soaring with a big, big smile on my face.
Oh I am so happy, this job is heaven-sent,
Cause I'm up here, not on Earth and dealing with the president.
Ryan Stiles:
I can't find my space gear, I think it's disappeared.
That is what I hoped and that is what I feared.
All my stuff is gone, and it really is so heinous.
The only place I haven't looked is right up Uranus.
Brad: "That was my line."
Ryan: "Alright. Of course it was. Brad was gonna say Uranus."
Brad Sherwood: "Yes I was."
This really is difficult, it is such a crime.
I'll come up with a good verse, but Ryan stole my fucking rhyme.
So I'm just gonna stall some time and think of something else.
You all just sit there clapping, playing with yourself.
Aisha Tyler: "Uh, let's try it one more time. Ryan and Brad, take it away."
Ryan:
I'm up with a girl in space, oh man, is she a cutie.
I'm so happy she is here, she is such a beauty.
I'm so happy, so happy that they sent me.
We've had sex once, and I'm ready for re-entry.
Brad: "Aw, come on!!"
"Are you kidding me?"
Ryan: "You want us to do three more?"
Brad Sherwood:
I've traveled through the galaxy and orbited our globe.
I was abducted by aliens and felt a painful probe.
Sometimes it's hard to be an astronaut, but at least I am employed,
Though truly sometimes that probe is a pain in the asteroid.
All: A pain in the asteroid!
Bachelor Party.
"with Laura Hall at the piano and Linda Taylor on guitar"
Greg Proops:
I went up to Drew's house because he's getting married.
He's gonna be married to the girl that'll be Mrs. Drew Carey.
He said there'd be a stripper and there was and it was scary
'Cause when the stripper came out, it was Drew Carey.
Drew Carey:
Had a bachelor party, we took off our clothes.
It was pretty wild, heaven knows.
I was embarrassed when I went to tip her.
Turns out my mother was the stripper.
Colin Mochrie:
I went to a bachelor's party. I really had a ball.
Boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol.
In fact, it was really bad. In fact, it spelled my doom
'Cause when I awoke, I found I'd married the groom.
Ryan Stiles:
My friends threw me a party. I knew that I was sunk.
We stripped right down, all night long, got really drunk.
Dancing with my naked friends. Boy, that's the life.
As a matter of fact, to Hell with my wife.
All: To Hell with my wife!
Backstreet Boys.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
"Yeee haw!"
Them Backstreet Boys, I think they really stink.
It isn't anything personal. They're just not N'Sync.
This might be kind of weird. It could be a shock.
But I've still got a poster of the New Kids on the Block.
Drew Carey:
Well, I hate radio today.
They don't have anything good to play.
All they play is junk. They are in a rut.
I wish they'd take the Backstreet Boys and shove them up their butt.
Colin Mochrie:
I hate the Backstreet Boys. They bug me like no one else can.
So I came up with a really cunning plan.
I kidnapped them and then I showed them, oh, how to hurt.
I made them all wear a copy of my shirt.
Ryan Stiles:
A lot of people think they're the best ones in the land,
But the Backstreet Boys aren't my kind of band.
Many people think that they are heaven sent,
But you're not a band unless you play an instrument.
All: Play an instrument!
Bad Neighbor.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Who knew that when I moved into my house
My new neighbor would be such a louse?
He's just like Jar Jar Binks 'cause he is always "Ruuude!",
Peaking in my window when I'm breakdancing nude.
Denny Siegel:
I once had a neighbor. Living there was really hard.
I used to find legs and arms buried in my yard.
My husband said, "Honey, you really should be calmer",
But I said, "It's your fault we moved next to Jeffrey Dahmer".
Colin Mochrie:
Parties with drunks and naked girls are happening next door.
There is an awful racket. It's shaking up my floor.
There's in and out, and things are happening. I know I shouldn't grouse,
But boy, I hate living next to the White House.
Ryan Stiles:
I really hate the guy who lives next door to me.
I wish he would move real far, or so I wouldn't see.
People running naked. It's really really scary.
But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey.
All: Next door to Drew Carey!
Baseball (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Now, y'all that know me know, I don't know much about sports.
With baseball playing, guys, normally I don't consort.
But, I met this pretty girl. Man, real, for real.
She let me get down and go into her Wrigley Field.
Colin Mochrie:
My wife likes baseball. She's a baseball loving girl.
That's good for me. I'm the richest man in the world.
I bought her a playing field, the best that money can spend,
'Cause everyone knows a diamond is a girl's best friend.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm a baseball catcher and that takes a lot of guts,
Squatting there, looking at other players' butts.
I have to admit, I don't know where they've been.
Just last week, I took two balls to the chin.
"I'm leading you in."
Jeff Davis:
Well, baseball is the pasttime of the grand old USA.
We like to go out to the park and watch those guys all play.
And once I met a baseball gal. I thought she was top notch,
But just like all the players, she won't stop scratching crotch.
All: Won't stop scratching crotch!
Baseball (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When it comes to baseball, I'll be honest. It's a sport I don't like.
So, the fact that I'm doing this hoedown, itself, is my third strike.
I'm just figuring it out, because as you can see
I went from a rookie to a hoedown MVP.
Colin Mochrie:
I envy baseball players. They get a lot of dough
For hitting and some bunting and then running in slo mo.
It isn't that hard. In fact, it really isn't tough.
I'd like to see 'em do a hoedown. I ain't getting paid enough.
Wayne: ""I ain't getting paid enough." I like it."
Ryan Stiles:
I'm on a mix team, it's both girls and guys.
We run around the field and shed pot flies.
There is one girl, the prettiest that I found.
I hope that next week, I'll be pitching on her mound.
Jeff Davis:
I'm a baseball player. This girl has a pretty face.
I took her back to my place, tried to get to second base.
But when we got naked, oh how we both cried.
I've done so much steroids, my junk has shriveled up and died.
All: Shriveled up and died!
Beach (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you something. Just listen to my song.
I was on the beach. I got something caught in my thong.
The pain was immense. I thought that I would hurl.
A little piece of sand got trapped. Ugh! I made a pearl.
Drew Carey:
Oh, I went on vacation and it was grand.
I got lots of sleep and I got real tan.
Now I'm back to work. Don't want to sound like a leech,
But man, doing these hoedowns really is a beach.
Colin Mochrie:
I vacationed at the beach. I really had to frown.
I was splashing in the water and I started to drown.
Water went into my lungs. I spluttered and I coughed.
Next thing, I woke up having mouth-to-mouth with David Hasselhoff.
Ryan Stiles:
I went to the beach and boy, was the water cold.
I got in anyway because I was bold.
When I went in, it was colder than I feared.
That's the day that my penis disappeared.
All: Penis disappeared!
Beach (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When I want a vacation, I took a trip to the beach
Because it was the only stretch of land that was within reach.
Oh, man. It was great, you understand.
When I went, I was as light as him. Now I'm a dark man.
Drew Carey:
Well, I went to the beach last week. I really caused a panic.
People jumping from their blankets, falling off their hammock.
Man, they were yelling. They were screaming at me.
I guess I shouldn't have worn my tiny thong bikini.
Colin Mochrie:
I went to the beach because I'm really pale.
I was skinny dipping with my pet, a great white whale.
I was out in the sun too long. I got really sick.
Boy, it was so horrible. I burnt my Moby Dick.
Ryan Stiles:
I went to the beach with Drew, and boy, was it fun.
He took off his shirt and everybody else was done.
We got a place there, apartment that we leased.
He was being pushed in the water by some guys from Green Peace.
All: Guys from Green Peace!
Birth (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Thank goodness for my mom that I was made.
It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid.
That's right. You see, upon closer inspection,
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection.
Denny Siegel:
When a woman gives birth, her man is filled with pride.
All through the delivery, he stands right by her side.
But nine times out of ten, she'll say to him, "You jerk!
You got to do the fun part and now I do all the work!".
Colin Mochrie:
Ellen is my wife. The other day, she gave birth.
It was the most beautiful thing on this God's Earth.
When I saw her do it, I said "Oh my God, Dear Ellen.
Looking from this angle, it looks like a straw passing a melon".
Ryan Stiles:
I came out of my mother at exactly ten to five.
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled "It's alive!".
I can't really blame them. I guess it was kind of scary.
Everyone tells me I resemble Drew Carey.
All: Resemble Drew Carey!
Birth (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Thank goodness for my mom that I was made.
It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid.
That's right. You see, upon closer inspection,
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection.
Denny Siegel:
When I finally meet a guy who appreciates my worth,
We'll get married and nine months later, I just might give birth.
Well, birth is what can end up happening when you have lots of kisses and hugs,
But I don't care about this natural stuff. Give me lots of drugs.
Colin Mochrie:
Guess what? My wife gave birth the other day.
I really supported her. I was there all the way.
Boy the time went by. Boy the time sure passes.
Then I cut the cord. I really should've worn my glasses.
Ryan Stiles:
The day I was born, my daddy really did care.
He wore a surgical mask, and yes, he was right there.
People said, "He looks just like you". I guess it was a curse,
'Cause I happened to come out ass first.
All: Come out ass first!
Denny: "Yee haw!"
Blind Date (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
So, there I am. I got a message in a bottle.
I won a free date with a tall supermodel.
She was about six foot five, but it was really lame.
I didn't have a good time 'cause we played "The Crying Game".
Drew Carey:
I used to hate blind dates. They never did work out.
They give me a kiss on the cheek and then they throw me out.
Nowadays, my blind dates go off without a hitch.
I know I'm not good looking, but I'm really really rich.
Colin Mochrie:
I had a blind date. It really was the pits.
Nothing worked all night. I kept getting hit.
She really was abusive. Man, oh man, oh man.
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?
Ryan Stiles:
I had a blind date just the other night.
The type of girl that really shouldn't be in the light.
She wasn't really attractive. She was kind of bland.
But she still beat the hell out of using my right hand.
All: Using my right hand!
Blind Date (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Woooo hooo!"
You see something, my dating life is bad.
I opened up the newspaper and then I read an ad.
The ad said it was great and so I did not blunder.
I opened up the door, and there was Stevie Wonder.
Chip Esten:
Once I got a blind date. I really liked his smile.
He was very tall, though. His name was Ryan Stiles.
I went right on through it. That date was pretty rough.
Sure it was a blind date, but I wasn't blind enough.
Colin Mochrie:
I went on a blind date. Her name was lovely Kate.
Everything was wonderful. Boy, it really was great.
And what happened next, I tell you it is true.
When I went and kissed her, she went "doo doo da doo doo doo".
Ryan Stiles:
I met a girl one day. She said he really liked me.
Why she did, I really couldn't see.
She really was turned on. She gave me all types of clues.
What really got her hot was all my fancy shoes.
All: All my fancy shoes!
Blind Date (3).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Yee hee!"
I had a blind date and had many fears.
I hadn't had a date in about ten years.
Veronica was a really great gal. Yes, you understand.
But at the end of the night, I found out Veronica was a man.
Denny Siegel:
Well, I thought a blind date would really be a treat
So I went out with my blind date and got a bite to eat.
Well, I can tell you it was a terrific date.
The guy was just eh-eh, but the seeing eye dog was great.
Colin Mochrie:
I had a blind date. It really was the pits.
Nothing worked all night. I kept getting hit.
She really was abusive. Man, oh man, oh man.
But what else can you expect when your blind date is Roseanne?
Ryan Stiles:
I had a blind date. She was better than the rest.
When it comes to women, I would have to say she's best.
Blue eyes, long legs, and really good blond hair.
Every time I go to date, I fill her full of air.
All: Fill her full of air!
Denny: "Yeee-haw!"
Body Odor.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
Yeeeee hooo!
I had myself a lady, a really special girl,
But then she went and left me 'cause I made her nosehair curl.
She said she had to leave. She cried and fell to bits.
She said, "It's not your face. It's just your pits, they are the pits".
Drew Carey:
Well, my wife left me. She ran out the door.
She took all the furniture. She cleared me to the floor.
When I asked her why, she said I smelled like no other.
She sme- said I smelled as bad as an episode of "Big Brother".
Colin Mochrie:
There is a question that's been asked through the ages.
Nobody has the answer. Controvery rages.
But I know the answer. It's exactly what you think.
Dinosaurs had B.O., now they're all extinct.
Ryan Stiles:
Everybody might want to go to the bathroom for awhile. Come back in.
Ryan: "I'm phased out. I can't do shit."
Drew: "I got one. Want me to do one?"
Ryan: "Come over here. Stand behind me and sing it."
Drew Carey:
Oh, I went on a date last night. It didn't really end well.
She said she wouldn't kiss me 'cause I had a weird smell.
I said "Come on, baby. Why don't you have a heart?
Sure, I might have B.O., but at least I didn't fart."
All: At least I didn't fart!
Butchers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I used to be a butcher, a master of the cut,
But I was so distracted by my wife’s beautiful butt,
She sauntered in. She said hi with her kisses,
And I was so distracted, slice! Now, I’m the missus!
Jonathan Mangum:
Come here, pretty lady, right here and have a seat.
My occupation is the one in charge of cutting meat.
I am a player and the girls think I'm a baller,
But please don't cut my meat 'cause it can't get any smaller!
Colin Mochrie:
I am a butcher. I work in outer space.
I serve my meats to every different kind of alien race.
I am famous throughout the world. Yes, yes, that’s true.
You may know my motto, may the pork be with you.
Ryan Stiles:
You’re a beautiful woman. Can I help you, ma’am?
May I suggest the pork roast, or maybe even ham?
Oh, I’ve got everything. Try some of my meat.
My meatballs are gigantic and my sausage is real sweet!
All: My sausage is real sweet!
Cable Company.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I had to wait for cable installation the whole day.
It really made me mad that for TV, I must pay.
So, when he came to the door, what did he see?
I was wearing a negligee and I got cable for free.
Drew Carey:
Oh, you might think it's risky for a guy like me
To be making fun of the cable company.
"Won't that cost you lots of money?"
No, 'cause I'm not on cable. I'm on ABC.
Colin Mochrie:
With my new cable, I have a lot of choice.
Some of it makes me happy. Some of it makes me moist.
Gee, it's a lot of fun. I'm happy as a mouse.
Now all day, I can see "Full House".
Ryan Stiles:
I really hate my cable guy. He makes me wait all day.
There is one guy that I really don't want to pay.
Then, one sunny day I really got my wish.
I murdered my cable guy and then I got a dish.
All: Then I got a dish!
Car Salesman.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
"Yeee haw! Tusla, Oklahoma. Salute!"
I went down to my dealership. I tried to buy a car.
He tried to sell a lemon but he didn't get too far.
I found a lot of steals and I found a lot of deals,
And then I bought a pinto, but it didn't have no wheels.
Drew Carey:
Well, I wanted a Chevy but I didn't want to get bored.
And then I thought, "Maybe a Mercury. Maybe I'll get me a Ford".
But when I came down to it, I didn't make a fuss,
But I didn't have any money anyway, so I'll just take the bus.
Colin Mochrie:
I met a car salesman. He didn't have no ethics
And I believed his every lie. It really was pathetic.
He did horrible things that no good man ever should.
I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those German cars, do they cost big bucks.
I look at the price tag and I am full of yucks.
All those porsches, more expensive than the others,
Unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers.
All: Free from Warner Brothers!
Cheated on the Wife.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Woo hoo!"
Well, I know that we're in matrimony
But I cheated on you so I feel just like a phony.
Now, girl, you see from the day that we did marry,
I was sleeping with you, but I was making love to Drew Carey.
Drew Carey:
Let me tell you, ever since I was thirteen,
You've given the best loving that I've ever seen.
Let me tell you something that I know you can't stand.
I've been cheating on you with my other hand.
Colin Mochrie:
Yes, I've cheated on you. I've had women by the score.
At last count, it was over eighty four.
I don't care that you're mad or your pride is bent
'Cause I've just been pardoned by the ex President.
Ryan Stiles:
I cheated on my wife with her sister and her mother.
I also slept with her cousin and her brother.
Boy, when she heard, boy, did it sting her.
The good news is next week, we're on Jerry Springer.
All: We're on Jerry Springer!
Cheese.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When it comes to improv, on the top, we sits.
In fact, I feel just like an unopened box of Ritz.
I hate making jokes like this, even though I'm blacker.
But if we're talking about this, I'm the cheese and they're the crackers.
Colin Mochrie:
I love eating cheese. I love it all day long.
If you eat your cheese, you can never go wrong.
I get Ryan to act with me. Yes, it does please,
'Cause, I always like to have a little ham with my cheese.
Ryan Stiles:
Where does cheese come from? From a cow. Ooh! Moo!
I like cheese, and Colin does too.
When he eats too much, he gets a little sick.
And with that last remark, Colin, you can suck my dick.
Brad Sherwood:
Gouda, swiss, and monterey, and some camembert.
These are all some lovely cheeses with a lot of flair.
I can't believe Ryan asked for that nasty job,
But I guess it would taste better if he put cheese on his knob.
All: Put cheese on his knob!
Children.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:
Just the other day, my husband said to me,
"Darling, why don't we start a family?".
What a silly notion. What a silly whim.
Why do I need children when I've already got him?
Drew Carey:
I don't pay alimony. I don't pay child support.
I don't pay nothing of no kind of that sort.
I get to keep all the money that I'm paid.
How can you have any children when you never ever get laid?
"Hey!"
Colin Mochrie:
My wife always bugged me to start a family,
But I had a real low sperm count so it was hard, you see.
So we did something that I think was really bold.
We adopted triplets. They're girls and eighteen years old.
Ryan Stiles:
The wife and I just had a kid again.
I guess this brings the grand total, I think, it is ten.
How we had another, I just can't see,
Since two years ago I had a vasectomy.
All: Vasectomy!
Christmas.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I look forward to Christmas each and every day,
But this year, I got no presents and I don't know what to say.
I guess that old Santa Claus was nothing but a liar,
And there was a funny smell when I lit the fire.
Drew Carey:
Christmas is a holiday that I really hate.
There's nothing about it to which I can relate,
So every December 25th, I kick off my shoes
And go down to the deli and hang out with the Jews.
Colin Mochrie:
Up in the North Pole, the elves all went on strike.
Santa didn't care. He said, "Go on. Take a hike!".
Things were horrible that Christmas. It all just turned to poo.
As Shakespeare said, "Remember, to thine own elf be true".
Ryan Stiles:
I love when Santa goes deliver all the toys.
I love to see the smiles on all the girs and boys.
Really is a holiday, a time to pause.
Every Christmas Eve, you'll find me porking Mrs. Claus.
All: Porking Mrs. Claus!
Commercials.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
I'm in advertising. You know, my name is Rick
And I am really groovy 'cause I am not a brick.
I sit and sell you stuff, stuff that you don't need
Because I have one motivation and that's massive gred.
Wayne Brady:
Why don't you buy that stuff, you baby boomer?
I know you've got lots of cash. You are a big consumer.
Man, oh man. Everything from cars to fast foods, I sell.
My biggest slogan? Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Colin Mochrie:
I hate commercials. What a waste of time.
They take up all the program. It really is a crime.
They seem to waste all the time in my precious life.
Thank God there's sixty seconds, then I can make love to my wife.
Ryan Stiles:
I buy lots of products when I'm at home alone.
It's really really easy. You order them by phone.
Not to order these things is really kind of hard,
But I never worry too much. I used Colin's credit card.
All: Colin's credit card!
Cop Shows.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Wooo!"
Boy, oh listen. Nothing amuses me
Than sitting at home and watching reality TV.
Now, that show "COPS", I think that it's the bomb
Until I turn it on and say, "Damn, that's my mom!".
Chip Esten:
"Yee haw."
I love me a cop show. Of that, you can be sure.
Until one night, I'm watching and they bust down my door.
They bring inside a deputy, they bring inside a jailor,
And then they confiscated everything inside my trailer.
Colin Mochrie:
I saw a cop show. It really made me mad.
It was so horrible. The writing, it was sad.
The more I watched it, the more it was the pits.
It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada. It was called "Fish and CHiPs".
Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright.
And it seems like they are on every single night.
Sure, you can watch 'em if you really want a scare.
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear.
All: Melissa's underwear!
Cowboys.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I am a cowboy. I've got a rope, of course.
Spat, spurs, look at me, while I'm ridin' on my horse.
Nothin' wrong with being a cowboy. Of youth, it's a fountain.
And when I'm finished drinking here, I'm gonna ride a brokeback mountain.
Colin Mochrie:
I am a cowboy. I ride in one direction.
And the more I ride, the bigger my erection.
Everybody stands and goes, all the folks,
"Look at him go. He's a mighty cowpoke".
Ryan Stiles:
Well, I'm not good on a horse, I shouldn't be alone.
I have to admit I'm pretty accident prone.
One day I was ridin', thought I might just erupt.
Turns out my penis was caught in my stirrup.
"Cause it's so long!"
Jeff Davis:
Well, I'm the biggest cowboy. I'm super big and strong.
And all the ladies know that my rope is extra long.
I had a reduction and the surgery went great,
I was a dirty dozen, now I'm just a hateful eight.
All: Just a hateful eight!
Dentists and Professors.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I'm a professor. I've got a PHD.
I am so smart. No one is smarter than me.
I am a professor. I've been one all night.
In fact, I am a professor. I hope Chip gets it right.
Drew Carey:
Well, when I get in the ring, it is such a treat.
I knock my opponets right off their feet.
Why do I wrestle with all of my might?
It's because I look good in the wrestling tights.
"Oh, was it wrestling?"
Chip Esten: "It's professor."
Drew: "Oh no! Oh man! Oh! Darn!"
Colin Mochrie:
I am a dentist. My duty, I won't shirk.
My assistant wants to do all of my work.
"No you can't", I said to her. Her name is Ruth.
"Why not?", she said. I said, "You can't handle the tooth".
Ryan Stiles:
I went to my dentist, but he wasn't there.
His nurse told me that I would be in her care.
She lay back in the chair and, boy, did she moan,
Because I was doing a little drilling of my own.
"All: Drilling of my own!"
Director.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I moved to Hollywood to see if I could act.
About five-eight years ago, to this day, to be exact.
I thought being a director, it would be groovy.
My first directing job was in a homeade Drew porno movie.
Drew Carey:
My first directing job, it was really great.
Fans lined up to see it, they couldn't really wait.
It was really the bomb.
It was a porno movie starring Wayne's mom.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm a big director. I keep egos in check.
Stars rant and rave at me but I think "What the heck?"
Nothing really scares me. I know no fear.
Nothing scares me since Ryan licked my ear.
Ryan Stiles:
Our director, he really is the boss.
For yelling and screaming, he's never at a loss.
He's the meanest guy that you will ever see.
He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany.
"All: Move to Germany!"
Doctor (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
They've got doctors young and old
To help you with your heart or glands, or maybe when you've got a cold.
But my friend, Colin, he dances really loose.
The only doctor with his arm he needs to see is Dr. Seuss.
Drew Carey:
I love my doctor. He's given me lots of aid.
My doctor makes me feel unafraid.
Why do I love my dear old Dr. Merle?
Well can you believe that I used to be a girl?
Colin Mochrie:
I am a doctor. Yes, I'm very bad.
Boy, it makes my patients really really mad.
The last guy that I had still hasn't healed.
I should've been gentler when I fluffed his Garfield.
Ryan Stiles:
I went to see my doctor in his big white cape.
He told me that I really need to get in shape.
Boy, I really hate him. His words, I despise.
But I think that today, I better start to exercise.
All: Start to exercise!
Doctor (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I've always wanted to be a doc
Because in the community, he is a rock.
Man, that hippocratic oath, you've got to take it.
The worst part of a doctor's job is seeing these three naked.
Drew Carey:
I love going to my doctor. It gives me such a thrill.
I go to my doctor even when I am not ill.
Now, you may think that I am in a rut,
But I am not. You see, his nurse gots a nice butt.
"Because that's why I go the doctor. Because his nurse got- fuck, man. Fuck."
Colin Mochrie:
I am a doctor, famous as can be.
Throughout the world, I'm renowned for my surgery.
They're going to make a movie about me in the future.
It really is incredbile. It's called "Back to the Suture".
Ryan Stiles:
I'm not feeling well and it really is kind of scary.
Things are happening to me involuntary.
I try to know something. It really is amiss.
Every time I go out, I can't stop doing this.
All: Can't stop doing this!
Doctor (3).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I want to be a doctor. It's a good profession.
Going to medical school, I don't wanna learn all them lessons.
See, I more of the guy, and I'll tell you
Screw all of that blood and viscera, I wanna be Dr. Who
Colin Mochrie:
I am a doctor. Yes, yes siree!
I make a lot of money looking at people's pee.
Yes, it is so beautiful, some may think it's funny,
When I see my patient, I go "urine the money".
Jonathan Mangum:
Well, I am a doctor and I am no fool.
I went to all six months of medical school.
You can see me, that's right. I'll say yowzer, yowzer.
Hey, look, it's a double dose of Doogie Howser.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I go to the doctor two or three times a week.
It's his doctor knowledge, his knowledge that I seek
Maybe I'm just a guy who likes to get out of a rut.
I always feel better when he puts his finger up my butt.
"All: Finger up my butt!"
Drinking.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I can't find my car keys 'cause I'm so full of booze.
I smell just like vodka. I just threw up on my shoes.
I don't even know where I put my pants
So I'm just going to wear a lampshade and run around and dance.
Drew Carey:
Well, making up songs in a hoedown puts me to the test
And to tell you, really frankly, I'm not at my best.
I'd do better, I could really think,
But ABC, well, they don't let me drink.
Colin Mochrie:
The other day while playing golf, I had a lot to drink.
As I reached the first tee, I could barely think.
I hit the ball really hard. The guy is barely alive,
Which just goes to prove, if you drink, don't drive.
Ryan Stiles:
I got naked in a bar. I took off all my clothes.
How I ever got that drunk, nobody knows.
I passed out naked on the bar. I only had a sip.
The waitress came to cleanup and I said, "Keep the tip".
All: Said "Keep the tip"!
Drunk Mother.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
"Yeee-haw! Mother's a drunk."
Well, I knew Colin's mother. Yes, I must tell the truth.
When she was nursing Colin, her milk was ninety proof.
She wanted to kick the habit. She didn't know what to do,
But if your baby looked like that, then you'd be drinking too.
Wayne Brady: "Wow!"
Drew Carey:
Let me tell you something that happened just to me.
My mama started drinking when I was just three.
Now I shouldn't let this secret slip,
But my mama started drinking when she married Chip.
Colin Mochrie:
My mother drinks a lot. I know that isn't strange.
But her behavior gets real strange.
She acts as though she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus.
Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, this hoedown, it's taking mighty long.
I am so sick of this bloody song.
Wayne sits there and he gets to rest.
His penis is large. That's why he's behind the desk.
All: He's behind the desk!
Eighteenth Birthday.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Today, I'm very happy for goodness sake.
I'm turning eighteen and I've even got a cake.
I am so happy that I just might pop.
The best time about turning eighteen is finally my balls dropped.
Colin Mochrie:
I just turned eighteen. I'm at the prime of life.
I feel so good, I do not have so strife.
Everything's so wonderful. Nothing in life does stink.
Best of all, I'm Canadian and eighteen I can drink.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I just turned eighteen and I think it's really great.
I'm going to go out somewhere and yes, I'll celebrate.
I'll get all dressed up and yes. Oh boy, I'm a looker.
I think I'll go straight to Vegas and get myself a hooker.
Jeff Davis:
I'm the happiest guy that you've ever seen.
Here's the reason why. I am eighteen.
Now, when I say "eighteen", please don't get me wrong.
I don't mean my age. I mean I'm eighteen inches long.
All: Eighteen inches long!
Family Reunion (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
Every family reunion is such an awful night.
It's my whole family getting in a fight.
Then, later on, they try and do a dance,
But it's not a family reunion 'til my uncle drops his pants.
Drew Carey:
Don't like talking about my family.
No siree, Bob. That's not the subject for me.
But, let me ask you a question. Tell me, Jack.
Am I adopted, 'cause the rest of my family is black?
Colin Mochrie:
Hey, family reunion, about which I'm about to sing.
Strange things are always happening.
I went to see my favourite uncle, but he was not there.
He had an operation. Now he is my Aunt Claire.
Ryan Stiles:
I want to see my relatives, but don't you know it's not right.
Every time we get together, all we do is fight.
I want to see my family, but don't you know, I can't.
We are from the South and my sister is my aunt.
All: My sister is my aunt!
Family Reunion (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
Going to family reunions put me in a funk.
I hang out with my relatives and they all get drunk.
You see, my mom in her childhood, was bad.
I go to these family reunions and try to find my dad.
Drew Carey:
All this talk about relatives really makes me queasy.
I don't like to talk about my family. It makes me a little uneasy.
I have just one question. Can you help me, please?
Am I adopted, 'cause my family is all Chinese?
Colin Mochrie:
Family reunions are things that people hate.
I, personally, think, boy, they're really great.
I have a real good time. I know it sounds real sick,
But I always go there and I can pick up chicks.
Ryan Stiles:
I'll never see my family, and that is just a hunch.
As it turned out, we weren't a very nice bunch.
Oh, no. We're bad. We weren't any Hanson.
I'll never see my family 'cause my name is Charlie Manson.
All: My name is Charlie Manson!
Farmers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I like being a farmer. I think it is fun.
I know a farmer who has a green thumb.
He can grow anything. Trees, weed, even a log.
Who grows the greenest things? Our farmer, Snoop Dogg.
Colin Mochrie:
I am a farmer. I farm every day.
I've got a little crush on the girl across the way.
I'm really shy. I'm not really much of a talker.
I just stare at her from the cornfield. I guess I'm a stalker.
Ryan Stiles:
Being a farmer is kinda slim pickins
That's why I decided to raise a bunch of chickens.
I'm really nice to all of them. I have quite a flock.
I talk nicely to my hens and I always stroke my cock.
Jeff Davis:
Hey, girl. I'm a farmer. That's right. I'm pretty cool.
Would it be alright if I borrowed your mule?
I'll come over to your place tonight
And then I'll grab your ass and plow the field all night.
All: Plow the field all night!
Firemen.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Being a fireman is cool cause I get a lot of action.
Just like the Rolling Stones, I get satisfaction
But I caught something and now it's persistent.
I'm a fireman. I wish that my drawers were flame-resistant.
Greg Proops:
Oh, I am not a policeman. I'm not an EMT.
I'm simply a fireman. As simple as can be.
And when your house is burning, I'm the guy you call.
But don't call too late, cause I have no fucking joke here.
Greg: "So close!"
Wayne: "Oh my god."
Greg:
The house, it was a fire, they called me on the phone.
I jumped into my wagon and rode as fast as I cone.
Greg:
When I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to be.
I wanted to put out fires and save kittens from trees.
And then I grew up so big, and so big and strong
I'm not just a fireman, I'm a firedong.
Wayne (laughing): "He's a firedong!"
Colin Mochrie:
I am a fireman, I put out fires all day
It really makes me happy whether in June or May
It is really happy, I do it sober or pissed.
I am happy, I'm also an arsonist.
Ryan Stiles:
I am a fireman, I love to hang around.
I have a feeling we'll be singing one more hoedown.
Had a song, I haven't a rhyme, it's not very sweet.
But at least we're not singing another song about fucking meat.
All: A song about fucking meat!
First Kiss.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When you get a kiss, you get a kiss on the mouth.
I've been kissed lots of times. I'm from Florida. That's the South.
My first kiss, brother, it was the bomb.
It wasn't from a girl in highschool. It was from my mom.
Drew Carey:
Well, my first job was in fast food, don't you know.
The hours were real long and the pay was real low.
My boss told me that he didn't like my sass,
So my first kiss was a hardy "Kiss my ass".
Colin Mochrie:
My first kiss is something I won't forget.
It was really luscious. Boy, it was wet.
It really changed my life. I'll never be the same.
Oh, I wish I could remember the guy's name.
Ryan Stiles:
My first kiss happened when I was really drunk,
But she wouldn't kiss me 'cause she said my breath stunk.
When it came to that date, I was really in a rut.
I should've run some string from my mouth and out my butt.
All: Mouth and out my butt!
Food (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I am an omnivore. I eat anything.
I eat it all because I am the king.
Because it when it comes to eating down, beggers can't be choosers.
Because, if I ate too much, I'd be on "The Biggest Loser".
Colin Mochrie:
I love eating bacon. I like eating beans.
I love all high fiber. The most you've ever seen.
I eat fifty pounds a day. I don't get fat, don't fear,
Because I've had diarrhea for fifteen years.
Greg Proops:
My wife's a vegetarian and she won't eat no meat.
And though she won't eat it, I still think she's so sweet.
When we go to dinner, and come home and go to bed,
She will never eat me, so I eat myself instead.
Jeff Davis:
Well, I like eating roadkill, because I'm a country boy.
I see a critter on the road. It brings me so much joy.
Hell, I am sure glad that I live by a dam.
Lately, I've been eating all the beaver that I can.
All: Beaver that I can!
Food (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When it comes to eating, see, I can be real choosy.
I am what the dictionary defines as a foodie.
I'm very careful about what passes my lips.
I only eat bacon and ball and vineagar chips.
Colin Mochrie:
I love eating food. I eat fifty pounds a day. (Wayne: Uh-huh)
I eat it when I'm working. I eat it when I play.
It makes me oh, so happy. Turns away my darkest frown.
It almost makes me forget I'm doing a fricking hoedown.
Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm vegetarian. I just eat vegan fruit,
And when I eat too many beans, that's when I start to poot.
I just sit there scooping and I - "Oh, no fucking way."
Greg Proops:
My wife's a vegetarian and she won't eat no meat.
And though she won't eat it, I still think she's so sweet.
When we go to dinner, and come home and go to bed,
She will never eat me, so I eat myself instead.
Jeff Davis:
I like myself some junk food. I like my Krispy Kreme
I'd eat a Mickey D's all day. That would be my dream.
I'll never eat no health food. I won't eat a bowl of Wheaties.
I have a brand new diesase. Type 11 diabetes.
All: Type 11 diabetes!
Gambling.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Here we go!"
You can shut me up. I promise I won't ramble.
I always go to Vegas if I want to ramble.
But this time, my reason is a beaut.
I'm gonna go to Vegas to get a prostitute.
Drew Carey:
Oh, if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew.
There's something you should never ever ever ever do.
What's the best advice? The best advice, I guess,
Is if you ever win big, don't tell the IRS.
Colin Mochrie:
After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table.
Gee, I feel really bad. I'm really quite unstable.
There's nothing worse like sitting there in your birthday suit.
Never play strip poker at a correctional institute.
Ryan Stiles:
I just heard that Vegas just went broke.
Apparently, it's because of just one single bloke.
They never saught that they'd ever see this day,
But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet.
All: Drew Carey eats buffet!
Gameshow Hosts.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I watch gameshows. I watch them all day long.
I watch all of them and they have real great theme songs.
But there is something I'll understand with my wife.
If they had a gameshow in south central L.A., it'd be called "Run For Your Life".
"What did I say?"
Drew Carey:
I hate to tell the story 'cause myself it might embarass,
But the other night, I went out with the daughter of Chuck Barris.
When we went to make love, she did something that's wrong.
I took off my pants and she gave me the gong.
Colin Mochrie:
I am a gameshow host. My life's a game, you see.
I fill it all with danger. I'm in "Jeopardy".
It really is quite wonderful. I do with all my might.
I hang out with prostitutes because "The Price is Right".
Ryan Stiles:
I'm on a gameshow competing against a girl.
When I look at her, it sends my heart in a whirl.
To beat her at this game, it would be so heinous.
I answer to this question. It must be ("buzzer sound")
All: Must be ("buzzer sound")!
Getting Your Pizza Late.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I ordered a pizza on a movie date
And then I got so mad because that damn pizza was late.
By the time it got there, it was frozen and I cry.
I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza guy.
Kathy Kinney:
I wanted a pizza. I was really hungry.
I can't cook much, so I ordered, you see.
When the pizza came, it was very cold. The cheese was hard and all.
And the sausage was petrified. I was really mad.
"Oh!"
Colin Mochrie:
I'm waiting for my pizza. It's been three hours now.
I'm getting really angry, just like a British cow.
It really is upsetting. I'm going to really go.
When he gives me my pizza, I won't give him his dough.
Ryan Stiles:
My uncle died yesterday. He owned a pizza place.
Lying in the coffin, he looked peaceful with his face.
Cooking pizzas was so fun, and his name was Sid.
When I opened up the coffin, he was stuck to the lid.
All: Stuck to the lid!
Going Bald.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I am losing my hair and it really is a pain.
I find out every morning when I see the shower drain.
But, as you can see, it isn't quite for me,
But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie.
Drew Carey:
"Aww, man. Took my rhyme. I was going to do that."
I have all my hair and I really am quite happy.
I like putting stuff in my hair. It makes me look real stappy.
I love to comb my hair. I never need a breather.
I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie, either.
Colin Mochrie:
People always kid me 'cause I'm losing all my hair.
I can't really help it that I'm follically impaired.
It really is quite horrible, but my life is not true.
I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew.
Ryan Stiles:
Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal.
A lot of women love just the way it feels.
Just think of it as just a little more face
And you can rent it out as advertising space.
All: As advertising space!
Got Arrested (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Don't make fun of the police. I say, "Stop",
Because one of my best friends is a cop.
Because I like the way that they do their thing.
I say, "Hey, it's a good thing my name isn't Rodney King".
Drew Carey:
When I was arrested, it wasn't good for me.
They beat me and they stripped me and they searched my cavity.
"Why did this happen to such a guy?", you say.
Well, to tell you the truth, it was because I was arrested in LA.
Colin Mochrie:
I am quite unbalanced. My mind is not that steady.
I once pummelled a guy with an Eveready.
They took me down to jail and they arrested me,
And they charged me with assault with a battery.
Ryan Stiles:
I got sent to prison. I didn't know what to do.
I felt so bad because I was so new.
Didn't know the ways there. I felt like such a dope,
But now I never bend down to pick up any soap.
All: To pick up any soap!
Got Arrested (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
There I go. I'm in my car cruising.
Problem is, I've been out earlier boozing.
I shouldn't have done the bad things that I did.
The only upside is I was arrested by Ingrid.
Drew Carey:
The subject of my last arrest, well I don't want to delve.
They put me on the ground and showed me their Adam-12.
Then they Starksy and Hutched me, and threw me on the floor.
And that's how I ended up in Hawaii with five hos.
Colin Mochrie:
I've been arrested over twenty times.
I've been arrested for many different crimes.
People think it's horrible, but I think, "What the hell?".
It's not that unusual. I play in the NFL.
Ryan Stiles:
I try to rob every store that I see,
But one time, I got caught by forty cops. How could that be?
I walked right in and I opened up the door.
That's what I get for robbing a donut store.
All: Robbing a donut store!
Halloween.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Yee hee!"
Every time it's Halloween, woo, makes room
Because I have the world's best costume.
If you see me, get a sheet, man,
Because I'll pull it over my head and go as the Klu Klux Klan.
Drew Carey:
Halloween's the only time I get a girl.
That's the only time I really give it a whirl.
Never get anyone pregnant. "How is that?", you ask.
Well, it's real easy. I wear a rubber mask.
Colin Mochrie:
This Halloween, I thought it would be fair
If I gave all the kids one real big scare.
It went way too far, and now I'm being sued.
This is the last year that I go as a nude.
Ryan Stiles:
I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen.
When the children see me, they run away and scream.
When it comes to costumes, there is none more scary.
I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey.
All: Go out as Drew Carey!
Hockey Player.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Well, I love hockey. The game can't be beat.
Where else can you do a job where you're missing teeth?
I get plenty of dates. See, I'm rarely lonely.
I take off my hockey costume and ride naked on the zamboni.
Drew Carey:
Well, I met a girl last night at the hockey game.
One look at her, I knew things would never be the same.
We went back to my place, and I was in luck.
She wanted to go to bed with me and I said, "Hey, what the puck?".
Colin Mochrie:
...My battery pack.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm a hockey goalie and boy, do I feel dumb.
I forgot my shorts, and there is my bum.
All the laughing. Oh, when will it cease?
I guess I look funny with a puck stuck in my crease.
All: A puck stuck in my crease!
Internal Revenue Service.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
"Woo hoo!"
Got to pay your taxes to the government.
Because, you know, each dollar is so very well spent.
You have got to pay them, but here's a little switch.
I never pay my taxes because I am so rich.
Denny Siegel:
You know, I hate the IRS. They think that they're so tough.
They said when I paid my taxes, I didn't pay enough.
To check me out, they audited my mother and my sis,
So I showed up naked at their door and said, "Hey, audit this!".
Colin Mochrie:
I live in Canada. There is no IRS.
I still have to pay taxes, but I'm not that distressed.
I owe eighteen thousand, but please understand,
I'm not that worried 'cause that's five bucks American.
Denny: "Yee haw!"
Ryan Stiles:
Singing about the IRS, a bell doesn't ring.
You know, I'm not very good when I have to sing.
Singing these hoedowns on "Whose Line", you know,
But I don't really care 'cause I'm on another show.
All: I'm on another show!
Lawyers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Mama told me to go to school and learn something great.
So I became a lawyer, today's my first court date.
I'm defending people to stop them from doing time.
Ahhh, blah blah, "fuck. I was gonna say something else."
Aisha Tyler: "You we're right back at it."
Wayne: "OK."
Aisha: "You got it."
Wayne:
Now, to be a lawyer, you're helping to stop crime.
You defend the innocent and put away dirtbags who do time
(stutters) "My balls!"
Wayne: "What is wrong with me?! I always have something!"
Aisha: "Oh my god."
Wayne: "I always have something, but the stuff I have is so- we've already been so dirty, that I'm bailing on everything I'm saying now. Let's go!"
Aisha: "(laughs) Oh my god!"
Wayne: "Okay this- so whatever comes out just comes out."
Wayne:
Some people don't like lawyers, they say they're full of crap.
Well, I love me the judicial system. I'm not down with that.
I like lawyers like Chinese people like dim sum.(everyone laughs)
Wayne: "OJ SIMPSON!! (keeps hysterically laughing). You have to follow my line of thought. I really was going for an OJ Simpson thing, but then as it was coming out of my mouth, I'm like "Chinese people like dim sum"?! What the fuck? I apologize, gentlemen."
Aisha: "You know what's gonna happen we're just gonna put that game fucking down. We're moving on, yes."
Brad Sherwood: "The night we broke Hoedown."
Magicians.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I've always wanted to be a magician all my life.
I go around the house going "Hey! Surprise!", doing those things to my wife.
I want to go to Vegas. Her, I do annoy.
If I was one half of an act, it would be "Siegfried and Leroy".
Drew: "Damn it!"
Drew Carey:
Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do.
Hard to think of one verse, let alone even two.
Let me tell you something that'll give you a little laugh.
If you take my rhyme again, I'm going to saw your ass in half.
Ryan: "There goes mine. Thank you, Drew."
Colin Mochrie:
I am a great magician. I have this special hex.
I can take a man and make him change his sex.
It really is quite simple, the best trick in the world.
I just tickle Wayne's bum and he screams like a girl.
Ryan Stiles:
Colin wants to be a magician and I think he should.
The only problem is he's not very good.
He really sucks. He's the worst in the land.
His best trick is pouring hot coffee on his hand.
All: Hot coffee on his hand!
Marriage.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Well, I was married once, and I was married twice.
I was married not a third time, 'cause that would be thrice.
Do I like marriage? Nope, not one little bit.
"Why do you ask, Wayne?" Well, because I wanna keep my shit.
Jonathan Mangum:
Marriage is a good time, a good time for me.
I met a lovely lady, but there's more to the story.
It's kind of mean, might stab you like some knives.
Sorry, Wayne. I've been with all three of your wives.
Colin Mochrie:
On my wedding day, it was so hard for me to focus
Because my lovely bride had a case of halitosis.
I hope that no one else had noticed this rocky start.
Until the priest said "'Til breath do you part".
Ryan Stiles:
I'm marrying a girl. She's a little messy.
At times, she reminds me of a very young Joe Pesci.
I'd like to stop it but I don't know what to-'
Wayne: "Of a young? Of a young?"
Colin: "A young Joe Pesci?"
Wayne: "Not just of Joe Pesci. Of a young Joe Pesci."
Aisha Tyler: "Young Joe Pesci."
Ryan:
I'm marrying a girl and her name is Rhoda.
At times, she reminds me of a very young Abe Vigoda.
Colin: "Oh God! Even Yoda would've been-"
Ryan: "I know!"
Wayne: "Google search engine is in overdrive right now."
Ryan: "Okay. I'm ready."
Aisha: "I believe in you, Ryan!"
Ryan:
I'm getting married next week. Don't wanna be a grump,
But this girl is a huge fan of Donald Trump.
I'd like to break it off. I don't know what to say.
Maybe she'd believe me if I told her I was gay.
All: Told her I was gay!
Men.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I've got a message to all of you gals.
I'm a sensitive man, so why can't we be pals?
I know sometimes in the past, I hadn't treat you right.
That's why I'm taking hormones. Whoop! I'm a transvestite.
Chip Esten:
Men can be quite mean. Men can be quite bad.
I bet you had a boyfriend. I bet he was a cad.
I don't really like men, myself. That, I can tell,
But my friend, Ryan, well, he thinks they're swell.
Colin Mochrie:
I am a man. I love films with violence.
I like to watch them every day, even when they don't make sense.
I saw this one with a guy with a gun. His shots would never miss ya.
Then he'd hit you with a flower. He was Dirty Harry Krishna.
Ryan Stiles:
Let me tell you all about men. I walk the walk.
I don't care what people say. Just let them talk.
All the rumours going around, I - yeah, they're kind of scary.
I guess I'm going to have to stop, uh, showering with Drew Carey.
All: Showering with Drew Carey!
Mexican Food.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Midterms.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
I don't like to study, but I have no fear.
I'd rather sit in my dorm room and drink lots of beer.
If I fail my tests, I have this special scheme.
It doesn't matter what my grades, I'm on the football team.
Wayne Brady:
First from my family, I was such a smarty.
When I got to college, all I did was yell and party.
Graduation should've been a time I celebrated,
But I missed my midterms 'cause I was inebriated.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm in the middle of midterms. From my study room, I do not stir.
Everything's coming at me. There's too much pressure.
"I can't take it! I can't take it!"
Ryan Stiles:
We are having midterms this afternoon in class.
Oh boy, this time I really hope I pass.
There's nothing that I'd like to do more than walk out that door,
But I better hurry 'cause I'm turning sixty-four.
All: Turning sixty-four!
Movie Ushers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Now, here's a little something that I have to say.
There is one person who ruins a matinee.
Always trying to stop me. Yes I bet
That movie usher wants to touch my Raisinets.
Drew Carey:
The other day, to the movies, man I had to go.
The music wasn't much and the plot, it was so-so.
Don't you think that one day I'd be learning?
Never go to the movies and do an impression of Pee Wee Herman.
Colin Mochrie:
I went to the movie the other day. I put down all my money.
I got in a fight with the usher. It wasn't funny.
I hit him really hard. He wished he never wasn't born,
And to get his revenge, he peed in my popcorn.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm at the movie theatre every Tuesday without fail.
This time, I'm going to see a swashbuckling tale.
I am going to sit in the back row, watch it from afar.
And this pirate movie, it is rated "Arrrrrgh".
All: It is rated "Arrrrrgh"!
Moving.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
Oh, I work for a mover right here in Hollywood.
I pull up my truck and you know it's all good.
I had to move Drew Carey and it was real queer.
He didn't have no belongings, just a million cans of beer.
Drew Carey:
Last September, I had a stressful day.
I had to pack my stuff and move away.
But one thing went wrong. Man, oh, man.
I couldn't fit my fat ass in the van.
Colin Mochrie:
I had to help a friend move. He worked in the coal mines.
Because of doctor's orders, he had to move to warmer climes.
It really turned out badly. I know I shouldn't whine,
But I was arrested for transporting a miner over the state line.
Ryan Stiles:
Maybe this is the hoedown, I'll do really good this time.
Hey, this is easy. I'm really starting to rhyme.
It's going great. Boy, I hope I have some luck
'Cause last time, I mess up and said a word that rhymes with "duck".
All: A word that rhymes with "duck"!
Pilots (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
You wanna be a pilot? That's a really good job,
But you stay at home and you act just like a slob.
You smoke pot all day and I just don't know why.
Just because you get high, that don't mean that you can fly.
Chip Esten:
Oh, hello. I'm your pilot. This news is kind of rough.
I studied hard at flying, but I guess just not enough.
We're gonna crash now. We're going down for sure,
'Cause when I use the bathroom, well, I locked the cockpit door.
Ryan Stiles:
Hey, here's another stewardess, and this one's really fine.
I called her up front 'cause I'm gonna make her mine.
She's the number one. She's the one I pick.
Why don't you wander over here and sit on my joystick?
Jeff Davis:
Well, I'm really attracted to the gal in 2C.
All through this flight, she's been coming on to me.
We're going to start our landing. I know she is wishin'
That I am locked in the upright position.
Ryan: Why didn't I do that?!
Pilots (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
A pilot is a great job. You get to fly.
You kiss gravity and the ground bye-bye.
Chip got a really great job. It made me a believer.
I can't wait until CBS gives me a drama, or I wouldn't do this shit either.
Chip Esten:
I love me a pilot. It really is so dear.
I do appreciate the way he flew me here.
I love all you guys, and I do appreciate.
You all look fantastic, and Drew looks freakin' great.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, I love my stewardess. She's better than the rest.
Oh my god, you should see the size of her breast.
I called her up. Oh yeah. She knows here to sit.
Come right over here on my cockpit.
Jeff Davis:
Well, my name is Captain Sulley. I landed in the water.
I cannot fly a plane like I know I aughter.
I didn't get no kudos. I didn't get no thanks.
But I don't give a hooey. I'm being played by Tom Hanks.
All: Played by Tom Hanks!
Plastic Surgery (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Here is some news I heard all over the place.
Michael Jackson had surgery to fix his face.
He didn't think that he looked good. He started sulking.
I saw him the other day. He looks just like Macaulay Culkin.
Chip Esten:
"Alright. Okay."
I know something nice. It isn't so darn nasty.
You could just be a doctor and go giving rhinoplasty.
Michael Jackson had some. It wasn't just his loss.
Instead of one Michael Jackson, now there's two Diana Ross.
Colin Mochrie:
The plastic surgery didn't work, I must confess.
My, my face is now one big bad mess.
Here's a little hint if any of you go,
Make sure your doctor isn't Dr. Picasso.
Ryan Stiles:
I wanted surgery but my doc said "No".
I had to force him 'cause I had no place to go.
I had to threaten him with my big old mouser.
Now I look just like a grown up Doogie Howser.
All: Grown up Doogie Howser!
Plastic Surgery (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
"Woooo hooo!"
Oh, once I was so ugly, I really did look nasty
Until I saw the doctor and I got rhinoplasty.
I went back and I went back. I didn't know when to stop.
You might not recognize me. I was the King of Pop.
Drew Carey:
Well, one I always thought wasn't really for me
Was the thought of plastic surgery.
But let me tell you, brother, and let me tell you, Jim,
Before I had my face done, I used to look like him.
Colin Mochrie:
My plastic surgeon gave me a face that is so new,
And he also threw in a hair trainsplant, too.
Oh, it's really wonderful, but people made a crack
Because they got all the hair from Drew Carey's back.
Ryan Stiles:
I went to the doctor. I thought it was funny.
What I wanted to do cost a lot of money.
He did it right away and never made a fuss.
I took some of the inches from my feet and put 'em on my penis.
All: Put 'em on my penis!
Plastic Surgery (3).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
I really was so ugly, I looked just like a sturgeon
And so I went to Hollywood and got myself a surgeon.
He pulled it on much tighter, and here's the final crack.
I got so much surgery, my ears meet in the back.
Drew Carey:
Well, I went to my plastic surgeon and said that I would let her,
Let her have a crack at me to see if I could look better.
Then when it was over, I said, "Hey, thanks for trying.
At least when you got done with me, I didn't look like Ryan".
Colin Mochrie:
My mother had plastic surgery. She uses it like a crutch.
She's had it seven times already. I think that's too much.
I think that is way too much. Hey, but what the heck,
She's been lifted so much, her bum is at her neck.
Ryan Stiles:
I think I was looking better all around the clock,
So I've got some money and I went to see the doc.
I looked in the mirror and I didn't know what to do,
So I thought that I might shoot myself because I look like Drew.
All: Because I look like Drew!
Plastic Surgery (4).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I moved to Beverly Hills, 'cause they're so good.
I'm gonna get some work done because I'm all Hollywood.
I got this done, this tucked, this snipped, this pushed up. Imagine that.
Guess how old I am. I'll tell you. I'm 93. Why? Black don't crack.
Colin Mochrie:
I had plastic surgery, wanted to look my best.
I thought I would have some, and my money, I'd invest.
My surgeon wasn't thorough. In fact, he worked very fast
And now I just walk around with my head up my ass.
Ryan: "I have variation on that one."
Colin: "Alright."
Wayne: Here we go!
Ryan Stiles:
I'm turning 31, and gonna give myself a gift.
I'm gonna fork out money and get a little lift.
I just had it done now. Everything's in place.
Just one problem now. My dick is on my face.
Jeff Davis:
My girlfriend got a boobjob. It turned out pretty good.
They're just a little hard though. They feel like they're made of wood.
But, still, I get turned on every time her shirt unzips.
The only problem is, I get splinters in my lips.
All: Splinters in my lips!
Playboy Photographers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Well, I've got a job. Now, don't you all laugh.
I work for Hugh Hefner. I take photographs.
But I stopped the day, I don't want to be rude,
But you said, "Hey, Wayne. Take pictures of Drew nude".
Drew Carey:
When I was young, I took up photography,
Then I worked for Playboy. Hehehehehe.
What's the best thing about working over there?
Well, I saw Wayne's mom in her underwear.
Wayne: "How did you know?"
Drew: "You've got a fine mama."
Colin Mochrie:
I am a photographer, but I'm not the best.
I have a hard time photographing chests.
I called an expert who lived out west
Because when it comes to this, father knows breast.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm taking pictures of Drew out by his pool.
He wants to be in the nude. I think that's kind of cool.
He's paying me lots of money, all of it in tens.
After looking at him, I think I'll need a telephoto lense.
All: A telephoto lense!
Plumbers.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"What's up, Aisha?"
She says I'm lazy and I need to get a job.
She threw the want ads at my head and said, "Stop being a slob".
Woman, stop nagging me. I hate you every little bit.
You know, maybe I should be a plumber. Why? Because I take your shit.
Colin Mochrie:
"I should've been thinking while you were singing."
There was a recent job I was called upon.
A guy had dropped a pear in the toilet, in the john.
I, it was easy. I didn't have to repair.
I just turned the handle, 'cause a flush beats a pear.
Ryan Stiles:
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll.
I can see your big fat ass stuck in that bowl.
I'll spread your ass with butter and pop you like a cork.
Ffff... "I got it!"
Wayne: "I wanna see where this is going."
Colin: "Yeah, I wanna see where this is going."
Wayne: "I spread your ass with butter and pop you like a cork."
Ryan:
I can see your bathroom habits have really taken a toll.
Your big fat ass is stuck right in that bowl.
I'll spread you with butter. I really don't know what to do.
We'll pop you like a cork and then you can have a poo.
Wayne: "I liked the butter part. It made me happy."
Brad Sherwood:
When your bowels are rumbling, you feel like you might explode.
You better hurry up and get your ass on the commode.
Dookie, cacka, poopoo. Those are the words.
Those are all my favourite synonyms for turds.
All: Synonyms for turds!
Police Officer.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I always wanted to join the LAPD, LA's best,
But I can't see, so I failed the vision test.
I went one night to the church and prayed under the steeple.
I wanted to be a cop so bad that I joined the Village People.
Drew Carey:
Next year, I'm going to marry me a lady cop,
'Cause with her the sex is something I can't top.
"What's so sexy about her?", iIs that what you said?
Well, I love it when she reads me my rights and cuffs me to the bed.
Colin Mochrie:
I was once the best cop in all the land.
People, as they saw me go, "Boy, is he grand".
I was so respected. Believe me, I'm not lying,
'Til I got fired for making an "H" with Ryan.
Ryan Stiles:
I got busted once and boy, did that hurt.
He wasn't very big. He was a little squirt.
He tried to frisk me, threw me up against a wall.
He had to get a ladder 'cause I'm over six feet tall.
All: Over six feet tall!
Pregnancy Tests.
"with Laura Hall at the piano and Linda Taylor on guitar"
Wayne: "Yee hee hooo hooo!"
Greg Proops:
Hey, I've got a girlfriend. You know, her name is Ruth.
The reason that I love her is she always tells truth.
We have not made love, not once since our inception.
But now she's pregnant, she tells me it's immaculate conception.
Wayne Brady:
I had this girly. Yes, she was the best
Because she caused me, yes, a lot of stress.
She drove me crazy and drove me insane.
She showed me a little strip and said, "Here's a little Wayne".
Colin Mochrie:
I took a pregnancy test. It really was a topper
Because it took place upon a helicoptor.
My girlfriend, she went the full term,
And all because the whirly bird got the sperm.
Ryan Stiles:
My girlfriend is pregnant. I just heard from her.
Thinking about it, it just makes me go "Grrr".
Someone makes me nervous. Someone bring me towels
'Cause when I just went "Grrr", I emptied all my bowels.
All: Emptied all my bowels!
Probation Officer.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Here's a little fact that I think you oughta know.
I got out of jail about two months ago.
I'm stuck in my house all alone.
Because of this bracelet, I can never leave my home.
"Ow!"
Drew Carey:
My idea of fun is to go to Alabama
To see all my friends who are stuck there in the slammer.
Then I find a frog or a tadpole
And I take them into a room and I violate parole.
Colin Mochrie:
I've got a probation officer. He's not very tough.
He doesn't have that many rules. My life is not that rough.
Life is pretty easy, if you know what I mean,
'Cause my probation officer is Charlie Sheen.
Ryan Stiles:
My officer wants me to go back to jail.
I thought I was scot-free. I thought that I made bail.
When I go back, I know that I will do life.
The really bad part is that I'm everybody's wife.
All: He's everybody's wife!
Prom.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
"Audience claps off-tempo with the music"
Wayne: "Woah, woah! Calm..."
Wayne Brady:
I go to a prom when I get the chance.
My favorite part is when I get to dance.
I listen to the disco, the reggae, and the rap.
My prom would be so awesome if none of you people would clap.
Wayne Brady:
I love me a prom. Yes, I think it's the best.
I can wear a tie and my dave can wear a dress.
I got me a date. I'm in love and I'm falling.
6 foot 2, white, and bald. Man, I'm taking Colin.
Jeff Davis:
Well, hi there, Vanessa. I'm your date this year.
I'm really glad to to take you to the prom. What cheer!
I know that I might look like a slightly older man
Just shut up and get in the van.
Aisha Tyler: "That's so creepy! Oh, god!"
Colin Mochrie:
I'm so excited to go to my-- "no."
I'm going to my prom, I'm wearing a top hat.
I have a frilly shirt, I'm even wearing spats.
Oh, what a night, I was the hit of the dance!
Maybe next time, I'll try and wear some pants.
Ryan Stiles:
I love Susie, I love her with my life.
Some day, I'd like to make her my wife.
Every time at prom, I don't know how to reach her.
Guess I should probably stop, 'cause I am her teacher.
All: I am her teacher!
Puberty.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
My voice is high and screechy. My hair was lank and freaky.
I walked around the school feeling full-on totally geeky,
But the thing I hated most when I went to the dance
Was getting dragged across the lawn in my underpants.
Drew Carey:
Well, I hated highschool. I did not have a ball.
I just hated walking through the hall.
I hated going to every class
'Cause the pimples on my face, but now they're on my ass.
Colin Mochrie:
The hardest time of my life was going through puberty.
It seemed like everything around just excited me.
Now, listen to me now. This isn't one of my rants.
When you go through puberty, do not wear sweatpants.
Ryan Stiles:
I didn't handle the puberty thing too well.
In fact, for me, it was like going to Hell.
And it was kind of embarassing, if the truth be told,
'Cause when I went through it, I was 42 years old.
All: 42 years old!
Rock Star (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
If you don't like music, well, you better stop.
I love rock musicians and those kids who sing pop.
Oh, you say, "I don't like that music"? Yeah, that's what you think.
But trust me, nobody gets more booty than that group, N'Sync.
Drew Carey:
When I became a rock star, I thought it would be sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
I thought that all the women would really take their toll.
But now there's this fact that really makes me loopy.
Colin Mochrie is my only groupie.
Colin Mochrie:
I am a member of the world's oldest band.
I slept with every supermodel in the land.
Well, I didn't get one, but that is her loss.
A Rolling Stone never gets no Kate Moss.
Ryan Stiles:
I want to be a rock star. Oh, that I can see.
I think that that would be the job for me.
Rock and roll isn't the best music I found,
But at least they don't have to do a stinkin' hoedown.
All: Stinkin' hoedown!
Rock Star (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I love being a rock star. Pop stars make me sick.
I fly around the world and I get a lot of chicks.
The best part of being a rock star that I thunk,
Because I sing my songs and-
Drew Carey:
Yeah, I love being a rock star. I make them pay me in pearls.
I make lots of money and get lots of teenage girls.
And when I'm singing, I really got the power.
Yeah, I'm a rock star when I'm naked in the shower.
Colin Mochrie:
I wish I was a rock star. My image would be good.
I would look so verile, like any rock star should.
I'd put a cucumber in my pants so it looks like I don't lack.
Of course, it'd look much better if it wasn't in the back.
Ryan Stiles:
I want to be a rock star. That's what I want to do.
I bet every one of you would like to be one too.
I'd like to sing rock and roll. That's my kind of sound.
You'd never hear me singing a stinkin' hoedown.
All: A stinkin' hoedown!
Roommates.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I like having roommates. It's kinda like family.
So, I've got 400 people, they's living with me.
Sometimes we all work out together, and we talk, and they just listen.
All of my roommates live with me in prison.
Colin Mochrie:
I have a lot of roommates. We live in a small space.
It really is so crowded. It brings a frown to my face.
It really is so horrible. It really makes me squirm.
I've got thousands of them. I'm a sperm.
Chip Esten:
When I look back on all the money that I spent,
I had to get a roommate, someone to split the rent.
He really is a pain, living with him there.
At least in the shower, the drain's not full of hair.
Colin: "Hahahahahaha! This guy!"
Ryan Stiles:
My roommate, he really is quite strange.
I'm thinking that it might be time for a change.
Why he calls me "Mother", it doesn't make much sense.
I guess that's what happened when your roommate is Mike Pence.
All: Your roommate is Mike Pence!
Roommates (2).
"with Laura all at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Due to our economy, it ain't surprisin',
That I lost my home and our company started "downsizing".
Now you see, this is, this is the horrible date,
That I moved back in with my parents. Ah-- I mean my roommates.
Colin Mochrie:
I have a roommate. He lives in the room.
Sometimes we shovel. Sometimes we broom.
We have lots of fun. We never ever frown.
And best of all we never do a fucking hoedown.
Chip Esten:
My rent is really high, expensive, can't you see?
So I needed a guy. Someone to live with me.
I went and got a grandpa, he helped me there for free.
He's really not my grandpa, but he's old enough to be.
Colin: "Hahahaha. Yeah, you saw that."
Ryan Stiles:
Oh, my roommate and I just don't get along.
Everything I do just seems to be wrong.
I should move out, but I'll give it another try.
But I'm thinking to myself, "Why, why, why?"
All: Why, why, why, why, why!
Ryan's Wife.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Ryan, he was really tired of the dating scene.
He wanted to get a spouse who was never mean.
He wanted a girl with brains and a girl that was kind of finer,
So he mail-ordered a chick all the way from China.
"What? It's a mail-order bride!"
Drew Carey:
When Ryan first met his wife, she fell in love with his nose.
She couldn't wait to rip off all his clothes.
But then she found out something that made her die.
What they say about guys with a big nose and big feet... it's a lie.
Colin Mochrie:
Oh, Ryan Stiles. I love to be his wife.
He's the best lover that I've ever had in my life.
After we made love, boy, I'm really high steppin'.
Mel Gibson isn't the only one with a "Lethal Weapon".
Ryan Stiles:
Getting married is what I always wanted to do.
The happiest day was when my wife said, "I love you".
We're the happiest couple to anyone who's seen us,
And it beats the hell out of a'sitting around and pulling my own penis.
All: Pulling my own penis!
Scary Wife.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Oh, I got married about a year ago.
I'm as happy as can be. I think you all should know.
But my wife I'm glad I did marry,
Except in the morning, she looks like Drew Carey.
Drew Carey:
Well, Wayne gets worried about his little wife
'Cause she is the love of his life.
But every night just about 3,
Oh, Wayne. She's out with me.
Colin Mochrie:
Every night, my wife scares the life out of me
With her ugly hair and scars all you can see.
Marrying someone that ugly really wasn't my plan.
I accidentally married Dennis Rodman.
Ryan Stiles:
You know that my wife, she is my best pal.
I will have to say that she is quite a gal.
When it comes to wives, she is the best.
She's the finest in the land. Phew, now I'll get some sex.
All: Now I'll get some sex!
Shoplifting.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
"Wooooo! I sure love this one!"
When I was younger, took a field trip to the zoo.
I was really mischievous, so here's what I would do.
But my crime, damn, it made me dance.
I tried to stick a cheetah and a rhino in my pants.
Greg Proops:
When I go out to a store, I never like to pay.
Wayne: "What for?"
Greg:
I've got five finger discount. I just take it away.
I never pay for nothing. I don't pay no rent,
And I never tell the truth 'cause I'm the President.
Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I stole something. It really was a sin.
It was a little revolver made of gelatin.
It really was a bad idea. It was something I should've slept on
'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
Ryan Stiles:
Shopping the correct way can be such a bore.
I have to steal everything when I go in a store.
Not to loot and take things can be really hard,
But I guess I shouldn't 'cause I am a security guard.
All: Am a security guard!
Skydiving.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When I started dating, they say "You're insane.
Wayne, why do you take your dates up in a plane?".
Because, I know that a girl loves the way I go,
And so if the date goes well, guess who'll be yelling "Geronimo!".
Drew Carey:
Well, I say skydiving's the best way to call it off
When you and your girlfriend had just had enough.
And here's how you do it, and don't think that I'm insane.
You get her up there, take her chute off, and kick her off the plane.
Colin Mochrie:
I jumped out of the plane. My parachute, it failed.
All the blood rushed from me. My complexion paled.
Everywhere, you could hear my scared call.
Luckily, all my urine broke my fall.
Ryan Stiles:
I was skydiving when my parachute failed.
I couldn't stop. I just sailed and sailed and sailed.
But I looked around and I was no dummy.
I survived 'cause I landed on Drew Carey's tummy.
All: On Drew Carey's tummy!
Snoring.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I hate my roommate. I hate him, if you please.
He's really loud and chopping logs and he's a'sawing z's.
I don't know why he makes so much noise in his bed,
But last night, I had too much and cut off his head.
Wayne Brady:
My wife says my snoring, it is way too loud.
My wife, my snoring, and me. That's a real big crowd.
My wife, she hates it when I'm snoring and I'm laying prone
Because my snoring covers up my wife's moans.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm a loud snorer. I do it all the time.
The way my wife goes on about it, you'd think it is a crime.
It really is so horrible. I wish I could stop real close.
The worst thing of all, though, I don't snore through my nose.
Ryan Stiles:
I snore real loudly each and every night.
Sometimes my wife and I get into a huge fight.
I guess it's kind of bad. I don't show a lot of class.
I snore so hard, I suck the sheets right up my ass.
All: Sheets right up my ass!
Speeding Ticket.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you a story. Just the other day,
I was stopped by a cop for speeding around the way.
All those speed limits, you know that I did break it,
But I wasn't speeding in a car. I was streaking butt naked.
Drew Carey:
I drive fast. I do it all the time.
Usually 105, sometimes 109.
Burning rubber, flipping off the CHP,
'Cause they don't give no ticket to a rich celebrity.
Colin Mochrie:
I did 120 while riding my bike.
I was stopped by a great big cop. His name was Mike.
I got up to the speed by unusual means.
I knew I shouldn't have had that extra helping of beans.
Ryan Stiles:
One day as a joke, I gave a cop the finger.
I took off real fast. I didn't want to linger.
I headed on the freeway. I didn't get too far.
Stupid me, I was walking. I wasn't in a car.
All: Wasn't in a car!
Superman.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Being Superman, it is really fun
Because you'd have powers and I'd use every one.
I would do it and fight for right,
And then I would party because it's Krypto-night.
Drew Carey:
Well, Superman is hunky and he looks good in his tights.
He keeps ladies thinking of him at nights.
But there's one thing that causes ladies pain.
When he makes love to them, he's faster than a train.
Chip Esten:
Oh, Colin does remember all the time he spent
Wishing he were Superman, or at least Clark Kent.
He waited all his life. He waited for that day.
But just like Superman, his hair was up, up, and away.
Ryan Stiles:
Just like Superman, I've got special powers.
I have fun with them. I could use them for hours.
With my X-Ray vision, I can do no wrong.
Right now, I'm looking at Drew Carey's thong.
All: At Drew Carey's thong!
Surgery.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Greg Proops:
When I went to med school, I was very proud.
When I got my diploma, I yelled right out loud.
I did an operation and I did my part.
His name was Newt Gingrich and I removed his heart.
Drew Carey:
I had an operation to take out my appendix.
The name of my doctor was Dr. Bendix.
I hoped soon that I'd get out all my stitches
'Cause let me tell you, brother, they hurt like sons of guns.
Colin Mochrie:
Throughout my life, I used to laugh like this, "Hee hee hee".
Not so since I had some major surgery.
It really went horrible. It realized all my fears.
Because of that surgery, I now pee out my ears.
Ryan Stiles:
My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke.
I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke.
He never complained. I didn't hear a peep,
So I thought, "What the hell?", and had him put to sleep.
All: Had him put to sleep!
Talk Shows.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Chip Esten:
"Yeeeeee haw!"
Well, I went on a talk show 'cause I am such a swinger.
I could've gone on "Sally", but instead I went on "Springer".
I never knew just what I could say. I know sometimes I can't.
I came on with my transvestite gay lesbian second aunt.
Drew Carey:
Well, I died recently and I went straight to Hell.
What happened to me, I just can't tell.
All I know is every day on TV,
I was a guest of "Regis and Kathie Lee".
Colin Mochrie:
I play at the stadium of baseball games.
I once got censored. That's my claim to fame.
It really was done by the censor named Morgan
When I told the crowd I loved to play with my organ.
Ryan Stiles:
When I watch TV, I like to sit in the back.
My favourite show is "When Animals Attack".
Once I saw this thing with a big bum. It was all hairy.
Then it turned around. I noticed it was Drew Carey.
All: It was Drew Carey!
Television.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
When I was growing up, my life was really fun.
I was a latchkey kid. I was raised by reruns.
All that was deep in me, a gap needed to fill us.
The thing I love to say was "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?".
Drew Carey:
Here's my story. Hope you don't think I'm a moron,
But I like to watch TV without any clothes on.
Sometimes it raises a fuss. Raises up a storm
'Cause I'm always watching it in the lounge in my dorm.
Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I went out and got a new TV.
Just the thought of watching it filled me up with glee.
But when I turned it on, you know, boy, I really lost it
Because the only thing it picked up was "Veronica's Closet".
Ryan Stiles:
As an actor, there's nothing on TV.
I think they should have a show about me.
I don't think that's on. I don't think that's real scary,
And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey.
All: Murder Drew Carey!
Tourists and Kids at the Cinema.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
Tourists are the ones in shorts with sandals on their feet.
When I drive around, I run them over in the street.
I do that for my town's own protection.
I am singing this song for the ignored section.
Karen Maruyama:
Tourists from Japan are really the best.
They're used to traveling without any rest.
I look just like them, aww, what the heck,
Except that I don't have a great big camera on my neck.
Colin Mochrie:
The other day, I was at a movie. The kids were all loud.
They were making noise and throwing stuff. What an ugly crowd.
I told them there something, and then they all cried.
I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died.
Ryan Stiles:
I hate it at the movies when all the kids scream.
I have to admit that is really not my scene.
But one thing's for sure, an usher I will not call.
I just sit in front of them. I'm over six feet tall.
All: Over six feet tall!
Vending Machines.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
I'm a human vending machine. It's really awfully dandy.
Just give me your money 'cause my belly's full of candy.
Look back through the display, in the window, here's the glass.
Give me your quarter. I'll shoot some candy out my ass.
Wayne Brady:
I love vending machines. That is why I sing.
In this newfangled age, you can get almost anything.
You can get a Bible if you're a theologian,
And if you're really horny you can even get a Trojan.
Colin Mochrie:
There's a song about a vending machine. I hope it makes much sense.
Just listen very carefully, because it's totally in French.
Le chocolate, le chips, eh oui, Eh bon, le don machine.
Eh, ma leh. C'est le lou, la fou. Ooh, le cash et grou.
Ryan Stiles:
Singing a song about a vending machine.
Don't you know that's really not my scene.
Trying to think of something clever with a little twist.
If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrist.
All: Slit my fucking wrist!
Village People.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I love the Village People, and now please don't get me wrong.
I love "YMCA", and girl, that's my song.
But you see, in San Francisco is where they belong,
And all them Village People inspired me to wear my thong.
Drew Carey:
I love the Village People. They give me confidence,
Even though I'm not too bright. I am rather dense.
I have a fat white body and I don't have a tan,
But when I put on leather pants, I am a "Macho Man".
Colin Mochrie:
About the Village People, I have a lot of facts.
Did you know they made a movie? Yes, they acts.
It really is quite wonderful. I can't believe my eyes.
If you laid them end to end, I wouldn't be surprised.
Ryan Stiles:
I don't like the Village People. I think they're kind of rude.
Don't you know, their lyrics can be kind of crude.
When it's on my stereo, I always hit the mute.
But I'll have to admit, the indian's kind of cute.
All: Indian's kind of cute!
Weddings.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Brad Sherwood:
My wife is so cute. She's from North Carolina.
We decided to get married off in China.
One billion people came and it was really nice,
And after the ceremony, they threw pork-fried rice.
Patrick Bristow:
I am getting married. I'll get drunk and go on a bender.
All I really want is a really nice blender.
When we get married, on our honeymoon, we'll have one room.
He and I are both the groom.
Colin Mochrie:
When I think of my wedding day, it really sticks out in my mind.
Gee, I love that woman. She was one great find.
When I think of that night, boy, the memories do flow.
On our honeymoon, we stayed up all night and watched "The Drew Carey Show".
Ryan Stiles:
I get so excited when I go a wedding.
I get really bad, you have to change my bedding.
I must've kissed the bride for three hours at least.
That was the wrong thing because I am the priest.
All: Because I am the priest!
Weight.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I'm going to tell you folks a little tale
About how I won the battle of the scale.
See, my weight would hurt me. My heart, it would break it.
How I lost weight? I picture Drew standing naked.
Drew Carey:
Well, people always ask me, "Hey, Drew. Did you lose weight?".
And I tell them, "Thanks. I feel great".
I find a diet plan that is like no other.
I burn all my calories spanking Wayne's mother.
Colin Mochrie:
I don't think it's funny that I'm overweight.
People make fun of me. Boy, that isn't great.
The things that they said, boy, it's made me cry.
Some kid snuck up and wrote "Good Year" on my side.
"Like the blimp."
Ryan Stiles:
Singing about weight, I don't know where to begin.
As you've noticed, I really am quite thin.
I watch my weight. I don't want to end up dead.
There's very few calories in licking Colin's head.
All: Licking Colin's head!
Winning the Lottery (1).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
If I had money, here's what I'd do, you see.
I'd make it my mission to help celebrities.
I'd even help one guy who I consider my friend.
I'd spend all of my money to make Michael Jackson black again.
Drew Carey:
Well, if I won the lottery, here's what I would do.
I'd buy a car and maybe a house or two.
But this is what I'm wondering and this is what I'm asking.
If you won the lottery, why would you waste it on Michael Jackson?
Colin Mochrie:
I'm sitting here on my couch, watching the TV.
They're picking all the numbers of my favourite lottery.
I am so excited when fortune calls.
I've never been so happy with someone picking my balls.
Ryan Stiles:
Winning the lottery would be kind of funny.
Boy, I don't know what I'd do with all that money.
A lot of people think that it would be kind of scary,
But I would buy this show and fire Drew Carey.
All: Fire Drew Carey!
Winning the Lottery (2).
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
If I won the lottery, I would do lots of good.
I would do exactly what a friend should.
Because you see, I love you guys. Let me explain.
I'd take all my money and buy Colin some Rogaine.
"'Cause I love you!"
Drew Carey:
Oh, I won the lottery. A million smackeroos.
That'll really keep me in underoos.
The only thing that really is a bummer,
I can't spend my money 'cause I'm in jail for running numbers.
Colin Mochrie:
I have won the lottery. My riches, I can flaunt.
I don't care about anything. I can do anything I want.
Ryan Stiles:
I'm sure all that money would be really hard to spend.
I'm sure it seems like it would never never end.
I could give it to charities, or so I am told,
But I think I'll just have my penis dipped in gold.
All: Penis dipped in gold!
Working Out.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I love to work out because I get a date.
So I don't hesitate to go and grab a rate.
People, here's a fact I bet you didn't know.
I got my butt this tight because I do Tae-Bo.
Drew Carey:
Well, people always ask me, "How do you stay in shape?".
Wayne: "How?"
Drew:
"How'd you get that body? Is it lifting weights?".
Well, let me tell you something. My secret, I hold dear.
I got this body by lifting cans of beer.
"Hey!"
Colin Mochrie:
I don't like to work out 'cause I'm very meek,
I really can't do anything strenuous 'cause I'm very weak.
When I do actually work out, people filled with smiles.
I can't lift anything heavy so I benchpress Ryan Stiles.
Ryan Stiles:
I really don't have to sing this song anymore.
It could gr- turn out to be a real big bore.
I know I'll win this game. I'm not better than the rest,
But I'm sleeping with Denny and she's behind the desk.
All: She's behind the desk!
Wrestler.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
Every Saturday, I'm at home doing my thing,
Watching great big fellers run around in the ring.
I sit there. Me and Drew turn off the sound,
And then we get freaky and do our own version of "Smackdown".
Drew Carey:
Well, I'm a wrestler. I love it, don't you see?
It's really healthy and I make lots of money.
The only thing I don't like that gives me such a fright
Is when I see Ryan in his little tights.
Colin Mochrie:
I am wrestler. Let me on the loose.
Over the years, I've taken lots of abuse.
My head has been smacked. I've been hit in the turnbuckle.
Because of all my injuries, I lost the ability to rhyme.
Ryan Stiles:
I hate wrestling. I think they're all on the take.
The way they throw themselves around, I'm sure that it is fake.
The way they act, you'd think that they're really dead,
But can they break a neon light by slamming it with their head?
All: Slamming it with their head!
You're Ugly.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
"The audience claps out of rhythm for awhile, before anyone sings. Greg Proops conducts everyone back on rhythm."
Wayne Brady:
Let me tell you, something happened just the other day.
My date was so ugly, I almost ran away.
She was just horrific. Where can I begin?
When that heffer was born, her mama should've pushed her back in.
"Ooh, just ugly!"
Drew Carey:
I met a girl at a night club. It was pretty dark.
Thought I'd take her home just for a lark,
But when I saw her in the light, I ran a mile
'Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.
"Hehehehehe.."
Colin Mochrie:
I'm an ugly woman. Yes, it is not fair.
I have an ugly face and I have no hair.
What can I do? That's the way the fates went.
The only person who'll sleep with me is the President.
Ryan Stiles:
I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover.
When I leave the house, all the dogs run for cover.
I'm big and white and round, and my back is real hairy.
Yes, you guessed it. My name is Drew Carey.
All: Name is Drew Carey!
Zoo.
"with Laura Hall at the piano"
Wayne Brady:
I met my girl at the zoo and that's no junk.
I'm dating an elephant that, she has a trunk,
And I love her. I give her my allegiance.
Why, she doesn't want money. She just works for peanuts.
Drew Carey:
Well, we went to the zoo, my girlfriend and I,
Just to see some rhinoceri.
But there weren't any around so we went out to the lake,
And I went underwater and I showed her my snake.
Colin Mochrie:
I went to the zoo with my lovely girl.
We had lots of fun there. We gave our love a whirl.
Boy, we had such a really good time.
This last line would be funny, but Drew took my rhyme.
Ryan Stiles:
A zoo is a place I don't want to be.
All of the animals really frighten me.
Here comes a hippo. Oh no, it's kind of scary.
Oh, it's not a hippo. It's just Drew Carey.
All: It's just Drew Carey
Melissa.
Cop Shows.
Ryan Stiles:
Oh boy, those cop shows, they give me such a fright.
And it seems like they are on every single night.
Sure, you can watch 'em if you really want a scare.
Thursdays at 8, you can see Melissa's underwear.
All: Melissa's underwear!
Censorship.
Ryan Stiles:
I hate it when they cut it. Boy, they're such a snob.
But, I guess in a way, that is just their job.
They sit backstage and they act all snooty,
But I hope they don't cut Melissa's nice tight booty.
All: Melissa's nice tight booty!
Traffic.
Ryan Stiles:
Talking about traffic, it is boring all the time.
It's hard to think about something that'll rhyme.
Traffic, ah. Who cares? It's got no kind of class.
But, once again, I've gotta mention Melissa's ass.
All: Mention Melissa's ass!
Bloopers.
Halloween.
Ryan Stiles:
I have to say that Halloween is my favourite day.
When I open up the door, kids and mothers run away.
I have no costume. I don't care in the land.
I open up the door, I've got my penis in my hand.
"What do you want? Everybody took mine!"
Mosquito Bites.
Colin Mochrie:
A mosquito came up and he bit, bit me.
He took all my blood. Can't you see how? See?
I have a lot of blood loss.
Commercials.
Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm an advertiser and I'm a groovy guy.
I sit around thinking of stuff that you can buy.
Lots of stuff you don't need. That will make... "Fuck me…in the ass".
ATM Machines.
Brad Sherwood:
I was feeling frisky. I went for a drive.
I took all my handguns and shot myself alive.
"Ah..."
Wayne Brady:
I consider myself quite a fugal frella.
But sometimes... "shut up."
"Keep it going!"
Colin Mochrie:
I went to the machine to take out some money
And then I noticed there was something funny.
As I came closer, my heart, boy it sank.
It was an ATM machine for a sperm bank.
Internal Revenue Service.
Ryan StilesI don't file my taxes every single year.
I guess it's the IRS I really really fear.
I guess that's bad of me. Doesn't show a lot of class.
But every time I do, they seem to fuck me up the ass.
All: Fuck me up the ass!
Valet Parking.
Greg ProopsWell, I'm a valet parker. This is my valet vest.
When you give me your car, I'll treat it the best.
I will drive a thousand miles an hour around the block
And you'll be got... "motherfucking shit".
Vending Machines.
Ryan Stiles:Singing a song about a vending machine.
Don't you know that's really not my scene.
Trying to think of something clever with a little twist.
If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my fucking wrist.
All: Slit my fucking wrist!
Birth.
Colin Mochrie:
My wife gave birth yesterday.Wayne Brady: "Congratulations!"Drew Carey: "Yeah, congratulations."
Colin:
Well, guess what? My wife just gave birth the other day,
And I really supported her all the way.
Time went for hours. Oh, hours were passing.
"Oh God!"
Puberty.
Greg Proops:
"(with a high, pre-pubescent voice) "When I was a young boy, I thought I'd never change.
And then, as I got older, I started feeling strange.
One day, I was standy "[steady]", and then I saw a girl,
And when I saw her booty, it "(voice suddenly drops) "totally rocked my world.
Ryan: Purberty's kind of a hard one to do without talking about jerking off. (To the hoedown beat) I love to grab my penis, I pull it all the time.
Public Restrooms.
Brad Sherwood:
I love public restrooms. I love the way they smell.
I walk in and take a breath and I just say, "Oh well".
I'll stay in there all day no matter what it takes,
And when I leave, I always eat those tasty urinal cakes.
Graduation.
Ryan StilesI graduated high school today, and-- "[cracks up] The fuck?!?"
Job Interview.
Drew CareyI had an inter-- "Oh shit."
Blind Date.
Colin MochrieI had a blind date. It really was quite fab.
It was my first one, for I'm Captain Ahab.
You have this date. There were many highs and lows.
She really hated it when I shouted, "Thar she blows!".
Yardwork.
Denny SiegelWell, I miss the '60s. I miss them quite a lot.
I sit around, listening to music. It was really hot.
Well, I do a lot of yardwork. That's what comes to pass,
'Cause it's the cheap way to get my hands on grass.
Losing Your Virginity.
Drew CareyI remember the day I lost my virginity.
I took my woman and we drove to the city.
Let me tell you, brother, she felt like no other.
Boy, was I embarrassed when I found out it was my mother.
Bad Restaurant Service.
Brad Sherwood:
I went to an awful restaurant. They had to use these towels
And all the food was awful, tasted like something from your bowels.
I had to leave so right away, 'cause it didn't really matter.
What was I thinking ordering the pu pu platter?
Surgery.
Greg ProopsI have had a transplant. It did not go- "Oh shit."
Going Bald.
Ryan StilesWhen it comes to hoedowns, I'm doing another one.
After the first one, I thought that I was done.
I feel like such a fool and I feel like such a twit.
This is what I have to do to please the fucking Brit.
All: Please the fucking Brit!
Food.
Greg Proops:
Oh, I'm vegetarian. I just eat vegan fruit,
And when I eat too many beans, that's when I start to poot.
I just sit there scooping and I - "Oh, no fucking way."
| Music Lyrics/Hoedown/US |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Irish Drinking Song
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Irish Drinking Song lyrics, covering the entire US series, as well as any that may have been played on other programs.
Affair.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Gary Anthony Williams, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Wayne: I met a lass in Kilkenny,
Gary: I loved her with my heart!
Ryan: But now she's done something bad,
Colin: When we made love, she'd fart!
Wayne: She met someone else,
Gary: She left me, clear and dry,
Ryan: I think I might divorce her,
Colin: And then I'll get real high!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Gary: I said, what are you doin'?
Ryan: You're breaking us up, here!
Colin: You're screwing all over town,
Wayne: Giving away your rear!
Gary: She said "I don't love ya!"
Ryan: I hate the sight of your face,
Colin: Go and put out a fire,
Wayne: Ahh, bitch!
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Ryan: Did I mention she's a bitch?
Colin: She's very small and... tall...
Wayne: (laughs)
Gary: (laughs) ...not at all!
Ryan: I'll never forget that woman,
Colin: She ran off with my doctor,
Wayne: And now, I realise,
Gary: I never should have socked her! (laughs)
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Colin: We might get back together,
Wayne: Who knows, life is funny!
Gary: Life can be so strange, my friend,
Ryan: I think I'll buy a bunny.
Colin: I don't know really what that means,
Wayne: She didn't ate my thing,
Gary: It's just not who I am,
Ryan: Just hold my ding-a-ling!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye! Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dyyyye-di-dyyyye!
Birth.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today, I gave birth,
Chip: I got there just in time.
Colin: Wasn't very much fun.
Ryan: I don't have a rhyme.
Wayne: I gave two shrugs,
Chip: I helped with my doc,
Colin: I did it all naturally,
Ryan: And then, I went ker-plop.
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Chip: I really love my baby,
Colin: I love him all the time.
Ryan: I burp him every day,
Wayne: I'm surprised, it's not mine!
Chip: And then I asked the nurse,
Colin: Just where he came from.
Ryan: She giggles and looks at me,
Wayne: She's just plain dumb.
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: The baby grows quickly,
Ryan: Inches every day.
Wayne: In fact, he already can speak.
Chip: It asked me to go away.
Colin: Boy, he's smart.
Ryan: And he speaks a lot,
Wayne: You ought to see him juggle,
Chip: When he's sitting on the pot.
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I think I'll have another,
Wayne: Oh, maybe I'll have four.
Chip: And then I'll have another,
Colin: Although I'm not a whore.
Ryan: He's the joy of my life,
Wayne: Because you see, it's grand.
Chip: It's just like my sextuplets,
Colin: Oh, grand.
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dyyyye-di-dyyyyye!
Broke Up.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today, I'm breaking up with her
Chip: He's really got to go,
Colin: I have a sense of dread
Ryan: I'm dating a guy named Joe.
Wayne: Because Joe won't leave me,
Chip: And that man won't shave.
Colin: But today, he's got to go,
Ryan: He's the man I crave.
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Chip: I'll meet him in a diner
Colin: And give him one small drink.
Ryan: And give him a diamond ring,
Wayne: Lee, what do you think?
Chip: Well, Joe will be so sad then,
Colin: I'm sure he'll take it well,
Ryan: We'll run away together,
Wayne: And then we'll dance so well.
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: I sat Joe right down,
Ryan: He said "I do".
Wayne: I said, "I can't love you",
Chip: I- I'm leaving you.
Colin: Please don't be angry.
Ryan: And Joe started to cry,
Wayne: He cried, boo hoo hoo.
Chip: The tears were in his eye.
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: Oh, now I'm all alone,
Wayne: And Joe is long gone.
Chip: And so I'll read my diary,
Colin: I'll just sing this song.
Ryan: But that's the way I like it,
Wayne: I like being alone.
Chip: Oh sure, sometimes I miss him,
Colin: Joe had a nice bone.
Wayne: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di-- "We're on TV."
Colin: "That's not what I meant to say."
Date to Get Pancakes.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Wayne: Tell me, what do you want to eat?
Jeff: A pancake in the day?
Colin: My batter is so smooth,
Ryan: It makes me feel so gay!
Wayne: It is so, so fluffy,
Jeff: That when I put one down,
Colin: I like to add some fruit to it,
Ryan: I wear a buttered crown!
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Jeff: I prefer the buttermilk,
Colin: I like it all over.
Ryan: I flip them in the air,
Wayne: And then I pour it over.
Jeff: I served it with a smile,
Colin: I'm happy all day long,
Ryan: I spread on the butter,
Wayne: Because this is where it belongs!
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Colin: I met my wife through pancakes,
Ryan: She came for my flapjacks!
Wayne: She stayed because of me griddle,
Jeff: She's terrific in the sacks!
Colin: She likes to have such fun,
Ryan: I think I'll marry her,
Wayne: And put butter on top of her ring,
Jeff: To cover up her fur!
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Ryan: Oh, I'm so full of pancakes!
Wayne: So full to burstin'!
Jeff: If I have one more,
Colin: That would be the worst thing!
Ryan: The syrup's very sticky,
Wayne: Mmm, so good!
Jeff: And when I put it on at night,
Colin: Oooh, I get some wood!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye! Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dyyyye-di-dyyyye!
Divorce (1).
Performers: Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Wayne: "We finally got rid of her, boys!"
Greg and Ryan: "She's gone now! (laughs)"
Wayne: "Shall we?"
Greg: "Alright! Let's sing one."
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Wayne: It happened just last Tuesday
Greg: I let go of that gal
Colin: She left me for another
Ryan: And I found a new pal
Wayne: And she is a dancer
Greg: She dances through and through
Colin: And she is really happy now
Ryan: Naked's what she do
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Greg: I couldn't stand her nagging
Colin: She nagged me day and night
Ryan: So I told her to go away
Wayne: Because her face was a fright
Greg: I wish I had money
Colin: And then I'd be so rich
Ryan: And I'd never have to invite that-- oh, never mind
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Colin: She took all my property
Ryan: Including my toaster and bed
Wayne: I used to make butt-microwave toast
Greg: But now I just lay there instead
Colin: Now I'm really happy
Ryan: And living on my own
Wayne: Because, you see, I am my own man
Greg: And I love myself alone
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Ryan: I got to get a job now
Wayne: Because I am busted
Greg: I won't be a bum, you see
Colin: Cause my place is dusted
Ryan: I'm going to look tomorrow
Wayne: Because I am smart
Greg: And when I meet the boss man
Colin: I'll rip out his heart
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye! All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dyyyye-di-dyyyyye!
Divorce (2).
Performers: Wayne Brady, Gary Anthony Williams, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Wayne: California is a no-fault state!
Gary: Strat-dast-ashore!
Colin: I have left my wife,
Ryan: That dirty little whore!
Wayne: She’s gone, I’m gone, we’s pract nixed!
Gary: I’m so happy, hooo!
Colin: Yippee-i-o-ki-yay-ki-yay,
Ryan: Foodie-doodie-doo!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Gary: Well, one day, I loved her,
Colin: And then the next day, not.
Ryan: Now, I can’t even look at her,
Wayne: She’s no longer hot!
Gary: But I’ll find another,
Colin: As sure as the day is long,
Ryan: She will be much younger,
Wayne: And she will appreciate schlong!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Colin: I’ve found the woman of my life!
Ryan: Blonde, silky hair,
Wayne: Arms like a linebacker,
Gary: And big old boobies there.
Colin: She loves me, also,
Ryan: All my faults and all,
Wayne: She accepts me as a complete human being,
Gary: And she’s not very tall!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Ryan: Okay, she’s made of plastic,
Wayne: Yeah, she’s blow up.
Gary: Sure, she’s full of air,
Colin: On her, I rest my cup!
Ryan: But she understands me,
Wayne; And she never ever talks back,
Gary: But I will never poke her,
Colin: Yak-kak-kak-kak-kak!
All: Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye! Oh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dyyyye-di-dyyyye!
Drew Carey (1).
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Wayne: I've seen him on network tv,
Drew: He's seen among the streets,
Colin: He's always got a great big smile,
Ryan: He's looking kinda neat.
Wayne: He has short hair and glasses
Drew: And other things that aren't so short,
Colin: He is very kind,
Ryan: And this I will retort.
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Drew: I hear he is a nice guy,
Colin: He dresses really well,
Ryan: The tall guy in his show is funny,
Wayne: And the black guys is really swell.
Drew: But let's not forget his bald friend,
Colin: Because he's really good,
Ryan: Sure he got lot's of money,
Wayne: You'll never catch him in the hood!
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Colin: He's generous to all his friends,
Ryan: He's got lots of cash,
Wayne: And if you go over to his place,
Drew: He'll kick you in the ash.
Colin: He's got a great big TV,
Ryan: He lets you watch it there,
Wayne: And then you can watch the big screen,
Drew: At the Lilifair.
All: Ohhhh, aye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye-di-dye!
Ryan: His glasses are kinda funny,
Wayne: People think they're fake,
Drew: Especially these glasses,
Colin: He is quite a rake.
Ryan: Oh, but he's a very good guy now,
Wayne: And he has telephatic powers,
Drew: And he can fly through the airplane (oh shoot),
Colin: He's wearing a thong for hours!
All: Ohh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ohh aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeeee diiii dyeeee diiii dyeeeee!
Drew Carey (2).
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Oh if I were Drew,
Chip: I'm handsome as a god,
Colin: I would be so happy,
Ryan: My face looks like a cod.
Wayne: All the women love me,
Chip: And all the guys do too
Colin: Everybody loves me
Ryan: [laughs]
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Chip: I think I'll go and get a show,
Colin: I'm very successful you know,
Ryan: I take my glasses of right now,
Wayne: And look at me, I glow!
Chip: I'll get some laser surgery,
Colin: I'll make everyone laugh,
Ryan: I'll run around with my clothes off,
Wayne: Ha ha ha ha, ha ha!
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: I'm generous to of all,
Ryan: Give my money away,
Wayne: I throw it by the bucketful,
Chip: And there's some right today,
Colin: Here, all my friends!
Ryan: Come live in my house,
Wayne: Hey, come on now, you,
Chip: We're all hung like a mouse!
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I'll give them all a raise now,
Wayne: And then I'll hug him,
Chip: And then I'll say you lovely,
Colin: I'll never, never, buck 'em.
Ryan: I'll give them all my cars,
Wayne: I let them sleep in my beds,
Chip: 'Cause I'm the greatest boss there is,
Colin: I'll rub Colin's head!
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeeee diiii dyeeee diii dyeeee!
Got Mugged.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: I took my lass on a date,
Chip: We went out for the night,
Colin: As we hit the parking lot,
Ryan: I got into a fight.
Wayne: Scuffled, he took my wallet,
Chip: And ran away so fast,
Colin: I started crying,
Ryan: On the stone I passed.
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Chip: I screamed just like a lassie,
Colin: I ran right after him,
Ryan: I jumped into my car,
Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim.
Chip: I put up on my siren,
Colin: And it roared out loud,
Ryan: He came to a stop,
Wayne: And beat me in front of a crowd.
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: I decided to take action,
Ryan: I hit him with a club,
Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine,
Chip: He said: "Hey watch it Bob!"
Colin: And then he ran away from me
Ryan: I followed him,
Wayne: I became a hero,
Chip: And my name is Tim!
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I still hear from him,
Wayne: From often,
Chip: He writes a little letter,
Colin: It's as soft as cotton,
Ryan: Someday I'll write back,
Wayne: He's my best friend,
Chip: And now we both are Pen Pals,
Colin: He put my stone back in my end!
Colin: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeeee
All: diiii dyeeee diii dyeeee!
Graduation (1).
Performers: Wayne Brady, Brad Sherwood, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today I will graduate
Brad: And I will get my diploma
Colin: I've studied really hard
Ryan: I'll move right to Pomona
Wayne: And there, I'll open a buisness
Brad: And I will get real rich
Colin: I am so happy
Ryan: I'll leave that old, ohhhhh
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Brad: I can't wait to leave high school
Colin: I have a big degree
Ryan: I'll be on my own now
Wayne: They won't laugh at me
Brad: I had a bikini wax
Colin: I feel so proud
Ryan: I've got no more hair there
Wayne: My mom's yelling real loud
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: I walk up to the dean
Ryan: I say "Thank you, sir"
Wayne: I give him a high-five
Brad: And it's all a blur
Colin: He hands me my diploma
Ryan: That's the really truth
Wayne: Don't you understand?
Brad: Look, here's my tooth
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I've got a great job now
Wayne: Now I can drive a truck
Brad: Because I'm a truck driver
Colin: And I transport ducks
Ryan: I'm makin' lots of money
Wayne: Making lots of cash
Brad: Makin' lots of duckets
Colin: Sitting on my ash
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye! All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dyyye di dyyyye!
Graduation (2).
Performers: Wayne Brady, Kathy Griffin, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today I put on my cap
Kathy: And then I had a drink
Colin: I'll go and get my diploma
Ryan: I know how to think
Wayne: I'm gonna walk down the aisle
Kathy: My mom and dad will be so proud
Colin: I am so happy
Ryan: There she is. She's loud
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Kathy: This day has finally come, I'm glad
Colin: My gown is long and flowing
Ryan: I'm gonna get a good job
Wayne: To Devry, I'm going
Kathy: After work, I'll go to school
Colin: I'll study really hard
Ryan: Then I'll have some wife and kids
Wayne: Then I'll read the bard
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: Today is my first day
Ryan: And I am so proud
Wayne: I am a good worker
Kathy: And yet I'm drunk as a dowd
Colin: I worked so hard
Ryan: To get to this day
Wayne: I'm glad I graduated
Kathy: And wish I wasn't gay
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: Today I just got laid off
Wayne: Oh, good graish
Kathy: Graduation's a far memory
Colin: I have to go to a new place
Ryan: I'll have to find a new job
Wayne: What will I do?
Kathy: I'll get the beer nozzle knob
Colin: There's blood in my stool
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye! Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dyyye di dyyyyye!
Graduation (3).
Performers: Wayne Brady, Kathy Griffin, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today I graduated
Kathy: I walked right down the aisle
Colin: Dressed in my long gown
Ryan: All the while, a while
Wayne: Ready to go into life
Kathy:Put on my cap and gown
Colin: I was so proud
Ryan: I wish I were a clown
All: Ohhhhhh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Kathy: My tassle was on the left side
Colin: My pants were on the right
Ryan: My parents sat over there
Wayne: "Hey, it's graduation night!"
Kathy: I finally got the diploma
Colin: And then I drank and drank
Ryan: Now I work at a fast food place
Wayne: Now I work at a bank
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I wish those days were never gone
Wayne: I understand
Kathy: And I wish that as well
Colin: My life didn't go as planned
Ryan: But things didn't turned out as I planned
Wayne: I became a rock trucker
Kathy: And that, I changed; became a man
Colin: (silence)
All: Oh, aye di dye di dye di dye di dyyye di dyyyyye!
Lobotomy.
Performers: Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: I had a lobotomy,
Jeff: And now I'm not so nuts,
Colin: They took away half my brain,
Ryan: Now I eat cigarette butts.
Wayne: Now I am not too bright,
Jeff: Now I'm kind of sane,
Colin: I am really stupid,
Ryan: Hey is that the rain?
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Jeff: I used to go down on the streets,
Colin: I used to have a scar,
Ryan: Now I ask for money,
Wayne: And I chase cars, woof woof!
Jeff: But when I come into your town,
Colin: I like to shout a lot,
Ryan: I run around and scream a lot,
Wayne: Wow, this is hot.
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: Oh I feel much better,
Ryan: I think I'll go back home,
Wayne: And then after I finished,
Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome.
Colin: Boy that'll be so beautiful!
Ryan: As happy as can be,
Wayne: Because I don't care too much you see,
Jeff: From my lobotomy!
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I really need a job now,
Wayne: I looked in the paper,
Jeff: But I can never find nothing,
Colin: I have a scraper.
Ryan: But I'll keep on looking
Wayne: I'm looking 'till I can't see,
Jeff: If you want someone who's nuts,
Colin: Be host on TV!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeeeee diiii dyeeeee diii dyeeeee!
New Baby.
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Today my wife gave birth
Greg: To a tiny tot
Colin: A little bouncing happy boy
Ryan: It just went splat
Wayne: Look at him
Greg: Cute as he can be
Colin: I am so delirious
Ryan: I might have two or three.
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Greg: This baby was unexpected
Colin: I didn't planned it all through
Ryan: I did use a condom
Wayne: She said it doesn't belong to you
Greg: He dresses like a girly
Colin: And he dresses in pants
Ryan: But I'm kicking him out of the house
Wayne: Because he cannot dance
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: Although the baby isn't mine,
Ryan: I took it as my own
Wayne: I'll raise it as a happy lad
Greg: And put it in me home
Colin: I'll take it out to ball games,
Ryan: I'll show him around the town,
Wayne: And I'll stop calling him 'it',
Greg: And borrow money when he is grown
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: He's old and he's left home now
Wayne: He's gone, see you later
Greg: He's off to university
Colin: He works for Perot later
Ryan: I miss him every day,
Wayne: We write and call him by phone
Greg: Sometimes he just texts me
Colin: We never circumcised his bone.
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeee diii dyeeee dii dyeeee!
Slept With an Ugly Woman.
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Once I was celebratin',
Brad: I went to bed,
Colin: I had too much to drink,
Ryan: Woke up to an ugly head.
Wayne: She turned over,
Brad: And I saw her face,
Colin: I screamed in surprise,
Ryan: Then I sprayed her with Mace!
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Brad: I jumped, growled, and ran away,
Colin: And put on all my clothes,
Ryan: And then I ran from the house,
Wayne: I hit her I do suppose.
Brad: But she chased right after me
Colin: She got into her car
Ryan: She didn't get there
Wayne: She looked like Jamie Farr!
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: Although she was so ugly,
Ryan: I took her anyway,
Wayne: I use her to scare children away,
Brad: What the hay?
Colin: Boy, it really worked good,
Ryan: I remembered that day
Wayne: That I took her to the dog park,
Brad: Then, what the hay?
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I tried to forget it,
Wayne: I tried to drink a lot,
Brad: Because she was so ugly,
Colin: She needed an inkspot,
Ryan: Then that day would come again
Wayne: That I'd meet her,
Brad: I was so scared,
Colin: It looked like someone had beat her!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dyeeeee diiii dyeeee diii dyeeeee!
Voted for Ross Perot.
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: Who's the little man,
Greg: With the giant ears.
Colin: I voted for him years ago,
Ryan: He bought me lots of beers.
Wayne: He was a millionaire,
Greg: And he had lots of cash.
Colin: And he used it, used it all.
Ryan: He never bought me hash!
All: aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Greg: He was a tiny billionaire,
Colin: Tiny as could be.
Ryan: He didn't get a lot of votes,
Wayne: He got me!
Greg: He ran on the reform ticket,
Colin: And he had big feet.
Ryan: But, he's still my favorite,
Wayne: He can not be beat!
All: Aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: His party was a strange one,
Ryan: I voted anyway.
Wayne: I went and I casted my ballot,
Greg: I laughed along the way.
Colin: He lost by a landslide,
Ryan: But I still support him so.
Wayne: I wonder what he's doing now?
Greg: I've heard he lives alone.
All: Aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ryan: I hope he runs again someday,
Wayne: Maybe in a couple years.
Greg: I hope when he runs this time,
Colin: He gets better ears.
Ryan: Again he'll have my vote there.
Wayne: You will see.
Greg: Because there is no one else,
Colin: HA HA HA HA HE!!!
All: Aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dyyyye di dyyyyyyye!
CWSeed Bloopers.
Cinco De Mayo.
Wayne Brady, Jeff Davis, Colin Mochrie, Greg Proops
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Greg: It's the finest holiday,
Wayne: That you've ever seen,
Jeff: We celebrate it every year,
Colin: It's the happiest I've been.
Greg: And when we're done with partying,
Wayne: Just between us,
Jeff: And as they say in Mexico,
Colin: Hey, a fetus!
Colin: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
"(Everyone else cracks up," "Wayne yells to Aisha "PENIS! I was giving him penis!")"
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dyyyye di dyyyyyyye!
Drew Carey Show - Drew Live 2.
Alternative Uses for Martha Stewart.
Chip Esten, Wayne Brady, Mimi Bobeck (Kathy Kinney), Mr. Wick (Craig Ferguson)
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Chip: You'll put her in your den,
Wayne: You'll put her in the oven,
Mimi: You'll scrape up the mud with her,
Nigel: And put her in the... gloven,
Chip: You'll decorate her heinie,
Wayne: And you'll decorate it well,
Mimi: You'll shave her head...
Wick: ...and give her a big spell!
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Wayne: She's popular in the hood,
Mimi: She's popular in Mehico,
Wick: She's popular in gay bars,
Chip: Thanks a lot, Mimi,
Wayne: She's popular wherever,
Mimi: I really like her a lot,
Wick: You should have tried getting it from Dwayne,
Chip: Martha is so hot!
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye! Hey!
Whose Line is it Anyway? UK - Live at Adelphi.
Circumcision.
Performers: Greg Proops, Josie Lawrence, Colin Mochrie, Brad Sherwood
All: Oooooh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di
dye!
Greg: I had this extra bit of skin
Josie: So this is what I did
Colin: I went to the doctor
Brad: Had him trim it like a kid
Greg: They cut me end off round and round
Josie: Oh, it hurt me so
Colin: Tears came to my eyes
Brad: ...so I had a go!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Josie: I said to me mother,
Colin: Should it hurt like this?
Brad: But she said, that's natural
Greg: I'm just taking the piss!
Josie: I feel its cut too hard
Colin: It's starting to swell
Brad: Put a little ice on it
Greg; And let me feel the bell!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Colin: The pain lasted three weeks
Brad: ...in between us
Greg: And when I couldn't feel no more
Josie: I looked at me penis
Colin: I said it was hurting
Brad: Like my testicles
Greg: And then I looked upon meself
Josie: And so I cut me balls!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Brad: Later the inflammation
Greg: Started me to swell
Josie: Throbbin', throbbin', throbbin'!
Colin: I thought, what the hell?!
Brad: I stopped wearing pants
Greg: And went around au notch
Josie: Then I said to my mate
Colin: I'll never see a snatch!
All: Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Oh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dyyyye di dyyyyyyye!
| Music Lyrics/Irish Drinking Song |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/March
This is the Whoserpedia's page for March lyrics, covering the entire British run.
Banking.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Tony Slattery:
<br>Oh, fiscal things are sweet to me. In many ways they're honey.
<br>Yes, my life centers around lots and lots of money.
<br>Ooh, money, money, money. I don't need wit.
<br>To be a banker you need to be a duplicitous git.
Sandi Toksvig:
<br>We had a cashier in our bank. Well, she couldn't do any counting,
<br>Which is really difficult but she is really good at mounting.
<br>So instead of making her into a bank teller,
<br>We put her by a lamp post and set out trying to sell her.
Colin Mochrie:
<br>I love the feel of money. It's so crisp in banks.
<br>I like the smell of dollars, of pounds, of francs.
<br>"Instumental!"
Mike McShane:
<br>I'm dating a woman. The woman is a banker.
<br>She's damn good to me and I'd really like to thank her.
<br>She lets me make deposits every day and every night.
<br>And early withdrawal is a penalty, but for me it's alright.
<br>I've got lots to put in the vault.
<br>Just because I'm loaded, it's really not my fault.
<br>But I don't think I could find an enemy in the worst or the best,
<br>Because she always charges me with interest.
Childbirth.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Greg Proops:
<br>Oh, I'm an obstetrician. I'm strong and I'm true.
<br>I deliver babies for you, and you, and you.
<br>A woman came in yesterday. She was so very fat.
<br>It turned out she didn't have a baby. She had swallowed a cat.
Paul Merton:
<br>"Could happen. Could happen."
<br>My wife just had a baby yesterday.
<br>I was so happy that I started to go away.
<br>I went twenty five miles to another town
<br>And when I got back, the baby was upside down.
Ryan Stiles:
<br>I am a nervous doctor. This is a first for me.
<br>I'll make sure to wash all my hands.
<br>Then I'll dip in up to my elbows.
<br>I'm the best in the land.
Josie Lawrence:
<br>Well, I'm a little baby and I scared mum to distraction
<br>'Cause I popped out, whooosh, on her very first contraction.
<br>Everyone around was very overawed
<br>As I hung on to me umbilical cord.
Collecting Typewriters.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Sweeney:<br>
A tippity tap, a tippity tap, a flash in the space key.<br>
Typewriting for everyday. That's what I do. That's me.<br>
Typewriting's great. It's absolutely the best thing in the world.<br>
Now I know that I'm really not going to find a rhyme.<br>
Steve Steen:<br>
A hundred and fifty typewriters I play upon with ease.<br>
A hundred and fifty typewriters all with the bloody same keys.<br>
"Now what do you make of that?", I say. And when I put in the paper,<br>
I often wish I changeed my mind and became a nice little draper.<br>
Paul Merton:<br>
I'm a bit of a lover. I'm not a fighter.<br>
That's why I love the old typewriter.<br>
I'm a messy eater. I have food.<br>
And when I do, I spit it down the front of myself.<br>
And that's why when I start getting carried away with things, I put a bib on,<br>
And my favourite part of the typewriter is the ribbon.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
("Typewriter sound effect")<br>
Shift, space. Shift, space. Shift, space. Shift, space.<br>
I'm an instructor of typewriters. I make sure they do a good job.<br>
I take the common man, I give him the typing plan,<br>
And I make him a fancy typing yob.<br>
I've got millions of typewriters in my building.<br>
Some are German, some are French, and some are Yank.<br>
When I have them work on<br>
Their exercises upon<br>
The typewriter, I have them spell out the word "Wank".<br>
Dogsledding.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:<br>
I have a strange hobby, a hobby that's all mine.<br>
I like doing things with a particular canine.<br>
Yes, that's what I do. And yes, that's what I said.<br>
I like to put my doggy in its own little sled.<br>
I take him to the hilltop. I make him go right down.<br>
My doggy doesn't like it. He starts a nasty frown.<br>
But I just say, "Oh doggy. Please shut up. Tush, tush".<br>
Then I put him upon my sled, and then I go, "Hey, mush".<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
People think the way I have dogs, the way I arrange.<br>
They think that I'm a weird guy. They think that I am strange.<br>
I don't know what it is. I think I'm rather lucky.<br>
When you get a dog in the sled, you really have...<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I had a dog that pulled a sled. He wasn't very fleet,<br>
So I took my gun out and I shot him in the feet.<br>
Two years later, he came back with the law<br>
And said he was looking for the guy who shot his paw.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I'm a world class champion dogsledder.<br>
When it comes to dogsledding, there's none better.<br>
I have a team of huskies. I tell them, "Mush and go".<br>
And they plow through proudly and bravely through the snow.<br>
I can't get enough of sledding.<br>
It's better than feathered down bedding,<br>
But one thing that really gets me going for my yaya<br>
Is whipping up a twelve pack of chihuahua.<br>
Hang Gliding.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Sweeney:<br>
A march, march, march, march. It's what we hang gliders do.<br>
March, march, march, march. You certainly would, too.<br>
We glide all day. We have such fun. It's great fun by the pound,<br>
Until we forget how to land and hit the bloody ground.<br>
Sandi Toksvig:<br>
I like to go up high up into the sky,<br>
But there's one thing that's very unpleasant.<br>
"I don't think anything's going to rhyme with "unpleasant", actually."<br>
It only happens very occassionally. It only happens to some,<br>
But every time I go up, I get a draft up me bum.<br>
Paul Merton:<br>
Oh, I love hang gliding. I do it everyday.<br>
I sometimes go up in the air and sometimes I go to Brae,<br>
Which is near a place I used to live when I was but a boy.<br>
Hang gliding's not a hobby. It's more of a sort of big toy.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I'm an adventurer. I like to keep my many many days filled<br>
By becoming a member of the Blind Hangfliers Guild.<br>
I like to go up in the air, though I can't see a thing.<br>
I loft off a cliff on a prayer and a wing.<br>
I'm flying left to right. I really can't tell.<br>
I have no idea is Heaven up, or whether down is Hell.<br>
But when I reach the end of it, and land up with a flash,<br>
And I make a perfect three point crash.<br>
Surveyors.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Tony Slattery:<br>
I'm a boring surveyor. My life is full of bricks,<br>
Stones and brickwork and sometimes sticks.<br>
I'm not very trustworthy.<br>
Why don't you give me all your bloody money?<br>
Sandi Toksvig:<br>
I noticed that the surveyors are nearly always men.<br>
You see them here, you see them there, you see them sometimes then.<br>
They may not be that good at it, but actually they're very - "No, fine."<br>
"No, start again. I've gotta start again. I'll start again. I've got the hang of it now."<br>
"I can't believe we do this for a living."<br>
Clive: "Not for much longer."
Sandi:<br>
I've noticed that surveyors are nearly always men.<br>
I'll tell you wherefore, and I'll probably tell you when.<br>
It's because when a man says it's big, he means it's small<br>
'Cause men don't know the size of anything at all.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I have this little instrument. I look into the hole.<br>
I look across the country at a guy with the pole.<br>
And sometimes take my clothes off and frolic in the sand,<br>
And then I try to get myself a little lay in the land.<br>
Mike McShane:<br>
I'm a sneezing surveyor, part of the guild.<br>
When my nose is full, then I know my job is filled.<br>
I look through the hole and I give a mighty blow.<br>
I turn a small bridge into an archipelago.<br>
Yeah, I like to plumb up with my little plumb.<br>
And when I sneeze the swings back and forth, it makes a nasty hum.<br>
I've worked for fifteen years. I've never got any better,<br>
And now I should be ending this song because I can't think of anything better.<br>
Taxidermy.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Josie Lawrence:
<br>I love animals because I'm kind of rough.
<br>There is not an animal in the world I wouldn't like to stuff
<br>You see, because I love animals. One think I'd love to do
<br>Is invite you around. I'll get some paper and then I can stuff you.
<br>Two, three, four.
Greg Proops:
<br>I am a rabbit. My life is in a rut,
<br>Because I sit on a wooden plaque all day with a metal rod up my butt.
Sandi Toksvig:
<br>My dog, he is very unhappy. He sits upon my bed.
<br>He's very very sad, mainly because he's dead.
<br>I stuffed him up the bum with little bits of tile.
<br>I think it really hurts, but he's got a heck of a smile.
Mike McShane:
<br>I'm an icthyo taxidermist. I like to stuff large fish.
<br>A flounder or a trout is my solemn oath and wish.
<br>I like the little sardines. The anchovies give me a thrill.
<br>But stuffing lots of plankton's hard. It's hard to keep it still.
Traffic Jams.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Sweeney:<br>
I am a very keen driver. I've been driving for years.<br>
Listening to the radio, I couldn't believe my ears.<br>
There's another traffic jam, but I'll remain defiant.<br>
I'll bump them out of my way with my little Robin Reliant.<br>
Paul Merton:<br>
I'm driving along the motorway, looking here and there,<br>
And every so often, I just don't have a care.<br>
I find myself stuck in a traffic jam. "Oh no, I've got to start again."<br>
Clive: "It was going so well."<br>
Paul: "I did too many words. Not that it mattered."<br>
I'm driving along the motorway, looking everywhere.<br>
And I drive along with such a happy easygoing air,<br>
And I find that when I'm at a traffic light,<br>
Everything is sort of okay. Well, it's all alright.<br>
Steve Steen:<br>
I was in a traffic jam stuck in my little car.<br>
I honked and I hooted, but I wasn't getting far.<br>
It really caused me to get in a terrible pickle.<br>
Next time, I think I'll take my motorcycle.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I hate being stationary in traffic. I really hate being still.<br>
I'd like to speed along on top of a hill.<br>
I'd like to race down and dive into a pond<br>
And on the way, kill bloody Noel Edmond.<br>
Vegetables.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Sweeney:<br>
I love to go out shopping. I do it everyday.<br>
I shop over here and I shop the other way.<br>
I buy losts of things, but I never buy veg,<br>
Because it's sold by a man called Reg.<br>
Steve Steen:<br>
I hate everything, everything that's green.<br>
All kinds of vegetable, to me, I'm obscene.<br>
I wouldn't spend all day working on a plot.<br>
No, quite frankly, I'd feel a bit of a twat.<br>
Paul Merton:<br>
I hate vegetables. I wish they would all finish.<br>
But amongst the vegetable I really hate is spinach.<br>
I hate all kinds of vegetables. I hate every single one,<br>
And if I had the right to get rid of them, "I probably would do, I'd really."<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I've got an aversion of vegetables. They really make me puke,<br>
Except for one tomato. I like him. He's called Luke.<br>
But the biggest pair of vegetables that really make me sick<br>
Are the two from "Good Morning with Anne and Nick".<br>
Weddings.
"with Richard Vranch at the piano"
Jim Sweeney:<br>
I'm going to get married, yes, married very soon.<br>
And then we're off to Europe to go on a honeymoon.<br>
We'll be leaving quite so early, off one day from Dover,<br>
As soon as I get rid of this bloody great hangover.<br>
Steve Steen:<br>
I'm going to get married. I'm married at my church.<br>
I'm going to get married to the prettiest wife I know.<br>
I'm going to get there, and as soon as I arrive,<br>
I'm going to fall down 'cause I'm pissed. I'll take a dive.<br>
Stephen Frost:<br>
I'm a little bridesmaid. I like to catch the flowers.<br>
I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours.<br>
I got a lovely frock on. It's made of silk and... and silk.<br>
And I'll drink all the champagne and have a glass of milk.<br>
Tony Slattery:<br>
I got married yesterday. I had an awful time.<br>
I drank two bottles of crappy British wine.<br>
I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can,<br>
'Cause I don't like her. I like the best man.<br>
| Music Lyrics/March |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Motown Group
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Motown Group lyrics, covering the entire US series.
Car Jacker.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Hey, everybody. Let me tell you about a brand new dance. It's called the Car Jacker."<br>
Well, let me tell you something. Don't open your doors.<br>
I don't have a car, man. I want yours.<br>
Don't you see nothing can never stop that?<br>
I'm gonna take your car and throw away the LoJack.<br>
Why? Why?<br>
I like to jack!<br>
Yeah.<br>
Do the Car Jack!<br>
"Get out of the truck!"<br>
Screeeech!<br>
The Car Jack!<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Every day, I like to go car jack.<br>
Gonna take you car. You're never going to get it back.<br>
The latest one they took made me perspire<br>
'Cause I had Firestone tires.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, baby. I don't know why I steal.<br>
Don't you know, baby, that's sometimes how I feel?<br>
The last time I stole, I didn't get far.<br>
The vehicle I took was a police car.<br>
"I'm a fool. I took a cop car".<br>
Wayne: "He took a cop car."<br>
Ryan: "Yeah, that's what I did."
Wayne:<br>
First, you gotta grab a mask. Put it on your face.<br>
If you wanna do it and you do it right.<br>
You wait right here, at the red light.<br>
"Excuse me? Get your ass out!"<br>
And then you jump on in. That's what it's all about.<br>
Do the Car Jack.<br>
Hey, yeah!<br>
Do the Car Jack.<br>
Do the Car Jack.<br>
Not gonna get it back.<br>
Do the Car Jack.<br>
Yeah!<br>
Dog Feeder.
Wayne Brady:<br>
Wooo!<br>
Oh, sometimes I like to look in my cupboard,<br>
Yeah, but it gets so bare, I feel like old Mother Hubbard.<br>
Oh, I'm telling you, this is what I do to feed the dog.<br>
Hey, to feed the dog!<br>
"Listen up, everybody!"<br>
I can feed Scruffy, and that's no bull.<br>
I go over to my neighbour because I'm a cannibal.<br>
And then I kill him<br>
To feed the dog.<br>
No, no, no. I kill that bro.<br>
He's ten times cheaper than a can of Alpo.<br>
Feed the dog!<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
("extremely high pitched")<br>
Feee-eee-eee-ee-eee-eed the dog. Yeah!<br>
Feee-eee-eee-ee-eee-eed the dog. Yeah!<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Oh, my dog just lays there by is bowl.<br>
I grab his Kibble and fill up that big shiny silver bowl.<br>
He looks at me with his eyes. He looks mighty meek.<br>
Oh my God. He's been dead for a week!<br>
"A dead dog!"<br>
"I gotta stop feeding that dog!"
Wayne:<br>
Feed the dog!<br>
Hey! You've got to feed the dog.<br>
You have got to feed the dog.<br>
You've got to feed the dog.<br>
You've got to feed the dog!<br>
Fireman.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Come on! All right!"<br>
Being a fireman, I can't think of a job that's better.<br>
Well, I dress in red. I got an ax and I climb the ladder.<br>
Nothing beats my job, I do suppose.<br>
When I go out to bars, I say "Check out my hose!".<br>
I'm a fireman.<br>
Woooo! I'm a fireman.<br>
Yeah, yeah.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I like to put out fires all day.<br>
It's not work. Really, it's kind of play.<br>
I'll never be there, up on the shelf,<br>
'Cause I always start the fires myself.<br>
"It saves time."<br>
"It saves time!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Sitting in that house, everyway.<br>
Oh, each of us would love a woman to go out and play.<br>
We're stuck there day and night at our hole.<br>
But all the other guys tip me when I slide down the pole.<br>
I'm a fireman.<br>
Wayne:<br>
Fireman!<br>
Chop with your ax now.<br>
Do the Fireman!<br>
Grab your hose!<br>
Do the Fireman!<br>
Hey!<br>
Hockey Player.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Aw yeah. Whoa oh. Listen up now!"<br>
Here is something. I'm as slick as a fox.<br>
I'm kicking peoples' butts. I'm in the penalty box.<br>
I don't normally choose one sports over the other,<br>
But in the game of hockey, you rarely find a brother.<br>
Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah.<br>
Do the hockey.<br>
Grab your stick and do the hockey player.<br>
Yeah, yeah. Do the hockey player.<br>
Ugh!<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
They say I'm really good, but I know I really stink<br>
'Cause all I do it go around and fall down on the rink.<br>
And when they say I'm good, I know that they're a phony.<br>
Just yesterday, I went and I got hit by the zamboni.<br>
This isn't very fun. I really do suck.<br>
I'm such a bad hockey player, I don't give a puck.<br>
On the hockey.<br>
I do the hockey.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I'm the guy down at the rink that you always see.<br>
I have to say that there aren't many women in love with me.<br>
When you come around, baby, there's no need for mace.<br>
I took one too many pucks in the face.<br>
I'm a--<br>
"I hit the zamboni line."<br>
Wayne:<br>
Now, now, now.<br>
First you gotta do this. Here's a little trick.<br>
Grab your face mask and then you grab your stick.<br>
You keep on doing- bam - up on the rack.<br>
Grab them against the glass and you hit them in the neck.<br>
The hockey! Man, come and get you some.<br>
Hockey players, they never have teeth in their gums.<br>
Hockey! Hey, hey!<br>
I do the hockey.<br>
The hockey. Yeah, yeah!<br>
Do the hockey!
Lumberjack.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Wooo! Ha ha. Come on!"
Now, ever since I've been chopping down trees, I've been a believer. Yeah.<br>
I get busy gnawing down things like I am a big beaver.<br>
The best part of being a lumberjack, I carry an ax.<br>
And when I finish working, I rub their backs<br>
'Cause I'm a lumberjack.<br>
'Cause I'm a lumberjack.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I love the guy that cuts down every tree that he sees.<br>
After all, who needs that many trees?<br>
You can bet I'm a guy you can call a friend.<br>
Don't you know I'm Canadian?<br>
Chop those trees.<br>
"Eh? Oh yeah!"<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Well, I'm chopping down those trees and I really give a shout and saying timber.<br>
Because you know I'm a lumberjack. I'm wearing flannel and I'm a limber.<br>
And if you want to see me chop some wood a litle bit more,<br>
I chop a big old tree on down until it's just a two by four<br>
Because I'm a lumberjack!<br>
Navy SEAL.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Here we go!"<br>
Now, you want somebody that's just gravy.<br>
Trust me, little baby, you can join the Navy.<br>
And be a SEAL.<br>
Yeah, and be a SEAL.<br>
Oh, you can protect somebody's life<br>
And end it with a knife.<br>
Be a SEAL.<br>
'Cause that's real.<br>
Just be a SEAL.<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
I'm a Navy SEAL. I really love my job.<br>
Everybody says, "Look, there goes Happy Bob".<br>
Everybody come and give it a whirl.<br>
Boy, I'd really like to be a girl.<br>
But I'm not.<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I've always wanted to be a SEAL all of my life.<br>
So I went away, said good-bye to my wife.<br>
When I get in my suit, people think I look cute.<br>
I just like the feel of a tight rubber suit.<br>
I said, Navy SEAL.<br>
Wayne:<br>
"Here we go now! Do this!"<br>
Now, first you put your wetsuit on and then you grab your knife.<br>
And then consult your manual. It might just save your life.<br>
And then you have to put your oxygen tank, don't get a buzz.<br>
And then you crack somebody's legs like Steven Seagal does.<br>
It's real!<br>
Hey, then you'd be a Navy SEAL.<br>
Yeah, you'll be a Navy SEAL.<br>
A Navy SEAL.<br>
You'll be a Navy SEAL.<br>
Park Ranger.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Alright. Yeah'.<br>
Where can you shoot until you perspire?<br>
Remember, only you can stop forest fires.<br>
Because when you're a ranger, watch what you do-do.<br>
Hey, there's Yogi. "And me, Boo-boo!"<br>
Watch what you do. The forest is no stranger.<br>
I look good in khakis. Why? I'm a forest ranger.<br>
Do the forest ranger!<br>
Yeah, yeah!<br>
Do the forest ranger!<br>
Colin Mochrie:<br>
Working out there among the trees<br>
Really isn't suitable for me.<br>
I'm lonely, lonely as can be.<br>
Oh, those beavers look good to me.<br>
Do the park ranger!<br>
Do the park ranger!<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
Sometimes when you're in the woods, you've gotta go.<br>
You can't fool with nature. No, you can't say no.<br>
You look around and you hear the heckler.<br>
They're all looking at your woodpecker.<br>
Do the park-<br>
Wayne:<br>
Yeah, man. That's the life for me.<br>
Say what? What do I want to be?<br>
A forest ranger!<br>
Yeah, yeah, yeah!<br>
All: A forest ranger!
Policeman.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Come on, now!"
Every day, you know what I do.<br>
You better watch out or I'll come for you.<br>
Man, here's a fact that you don't understand.<br>
You don't have to run 'cause I am a police man.<br>
You see, man, you think that you're slick.<br>
Come over here, son, for a minute. Ughh! Hit you with my stick.<br>
Do the police officer.<br>
"I'm just kidding. Come here!"<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Well, if you ever find yourself inside a sticky wicket,<br>
I'll be the one in the bushes whose there to give a ticket.<br>
And also, right, if you are sick and hanging in the lurch.<br>
Come on, baby. Take off your pants. It's time for the cavity search.<br>
Because I am a cop and I will never stop.<br>
It's time to do the police man and do it 'til you drop.<br>
Do the police man. Yeah!<br>
Do the police man!<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
None of the cops I know are on the take.<br>
To do something like that would be a big big mistake.<br>
They never make mistakes. They never make faux pas,<br>
Unless someone has a video camera. Bop.<br>
"I've never been a cop. I have no idea what they do!"<br>
"I've never been pulled over, for God's sake!"<br>
Wayne:<br>
Now, first you've got to do. I said, "Now, stop".<br>
You've got to have a nice uniform to be a cop.<br>
That's what you do. You're driving in your car.<br>
You stop pedestrians if they walk too far.<br>
You see, man, I'm not foxing.<br>
The best part about being a cop is you get - boxing.<br>
Do the police man!<br>
Brad:<br>
"Put your hands in the air!"<br>
"Put your hands in the air!"<br>
"Up to the sky!"<br>
Sewer Worker.
Wayne Brady:<br>
Wooo! Yeah, yeah!<br>
Now, now, now, now, now. Many people have jobs which they need to hurdle.<br>
But sometimes I like to get in the sewer like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.<br>
My job makes me ten times more smellier than you.<br>
All day long, all I do is swim in poo.<br>
Do the sewer worker!<br>
Do the sewer worker!<br>
Yeah, yeah!<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
Yeah. You're never ever gonna believe what I did.<br>
I got my crowbar and I lifted up the lid.<br>
I dropped down inside just to see what I could see<br>
But all I saw was number two and number one, that's pee.<br>
I didn't want to work there, but soon I am I liver.<br>
I took my paddleboat and I made it to the river.<br>
In my sewer.<br>
In my sewer.<br>
Wayne: "Bass man, break it down!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I work in a sewer. Don't know what to say.<br>
When I walk around, people run away.<br>
I've gotta admit, it's kind of scary.<br>
Everyone thinks I smell like Drew Carey.<br>
Oh, oh. It's such a crime.<br>
I run away from Ryan. That's all they do.<br>
Wayne:<br>
"Now, everybody. Check it out."<br>
Now, all you gots to do if you're filled with loves,<br>
Put on your pants and I set of rubber gloves.<br>
Grab a shovel, and then you begin it.<br>
Man, is that piss? You're standing knee-deep in it.<br>
Do the sewer. Yeah, yeah.<br>
I'm doing the sewer.<br>
Oh, I do the sewer worker.<br>
Damn. I do the sewer worker.<br>
Wooo! I do the sewer worker.<br>
Shower.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Woooo!"<br>
Now, now, now, now, if you know what I mean. Yeah.<br>
Hey, sometimes I like to use soap and get naked to get clean.<br>
Oh, man. If you're looking for dirt, I've gots it<br>
When I like to get sudsy under the faucet.<br>
Take a shower!<br>
You take a shower!<br>
"Come on, guys. Come on. Take it!"
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I like to take a shower like everyone should.<br>
When the hot water runs on me, ooh, it feels so good.<br>
Feels so good, I want it to last.<br>
Every time I turn, I break the glass.<br>
"I said, oof."<br>
Chip Esten:<br>
Oh, come on everybody. Well, it's all the rage.<br>
You just turn on up ahead your little shower massage.<br>
And then I think that you know exactly what to do.<br>
You get yourself a little soap, a little shampoo.<br>
You put it in your hair. It looks so mean.<br>
And when you get on out, you're looking Zestfully clean.<br>
You do the shower, yeah.<br>
You do the shower. Ooh.<br>
Loofah, yeah.<br>
Tooth Brushing.
Wayne Brady:<br>
Oh, now this song, it takes me way way back.<br>
Back to my bathroom where I use this to get rid of plaque.<br>
Well, gingivitis might make you sick<br>
So I think you ought to use a waterpik.<br>
Do the toothbrush. Yeah, yeah.<br>
"Come on!"<br>
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I brush my teeth. Oh, don't you know I ain't dumb.<br>
And when I'm done with my teeth, I take the bristles right across my gum.<br>
Oh, sometimes I think, "Why do I bother?".<br>
I keep them in a big glass of water.<br>
'They ain't real.<br>
"Look, they come right out."<br>
Brad Sherwood:<br>
Well, make sure that you're teeth aren't at a loss.<br>
Oh, grab on at that little rope and do a little floss.<br>
Oh baby. You gotta get inside them.<br>
Oohh, so keep on brushing all your teeth and your gums or you'll get gingivitis.<br>
So baby, baby, do the toothbrush.<br>
So, do the toothbrush!<br>
Wayne:<br>
"Alright everybody! It's a brand new dance!"<br>
Take your finger. "Come on!" And put it in your mouth.<br>
And get some toothpaste. And bbbbbbbbbwaaaa.<br>
Hey, come on. Don't be a fool.<br>
Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbb...<br>
Hey! Do the tooth!<br>
Do the toothbrush!<br>
Do the toothpaste!<br>
Hey! Do it!<br>
"Thank you!"<br>
Trash.
Wayne Brady:<br>
"Woooooooo!"<br>
Now, when my wife tells me to take the garbage out.<br>
I'm sitting on the couch watching TV when she begins to shout.<br>
Lady, I love you. I don't want to make you mad.<br>
I grab it. It's black and rubbery. It's made by Glad.<br>
Take the trash out. Yeah!<br>
I take the trash out.<br>
"And speaking of trash!"
Colin Mochrie:<br>
It's Thursday. Get the can.<br>
It's garbage day. I am your man.<br>
My back is out. Oh, don't you shout.<br>
Get the garbage. Move your can right now.
Wayne: "Take your trash out. Heyyy, take your trash out."
Ryan Stiles:<br>
I'm going to tell you something and this is no lie.<br>
Every time I take the trash out, baby, I almost die.<br>
If I could have, this wouldn't be remote.<br>
I live on a floating house boat.<br>
Saying, oh!<br>
"Get... in the water... Ha."<br>
Wayne:<br>
"Come on everybody!"<br>
Grab your trash bag. "Come on!"<br>
Put the stuff in it. Now, they call that trash.<br>
Hey, that's all you gotta do.<br>
Listen, baby. Take out the trash.<br>
Oh, yeah! You want to take out the trash.<br>
Yeah, yeah. You know you take out the trash.<br>
"Thank you very much!"<br>
| Music Lyrics/Motown Group |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Musical Producers
This is the Whoserpedia's page for Musical Producers lyrics, covering the entire British run.
| Music Lyrics/Musical Producers |
fandom.1000points | # Music Lyrics/Not WLiiA
This is the Whoserpedia's page for improvised musical lyrics outside of Whose Line. To be more specific, please check out the program these songs are from.
Shows.
Drew Carey's Improv-a-Ganza
Drew Carey's Improv All-Stars
Drew Carey Show
On the Spot
Wayne Brady Show
World Cup Comedy
| Music Lyrics/Not WLiiA |
Subsets and Splits
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