Split (1)

train · 125 rows

userId int64 1 25	jokeText stringlengths 39 2.65k
1	At a testimonial dinner in his honor A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I...
1	(NSFW)A little boy spotted two dogs having sex. "Dad, dad! What are they doing!?" "Well son, they are making a puppy." Later that night the boy walked in on his parents having sex. "Dad, dad! What are you doing?" "We're making a baby!" "Turn her over dad, I want a puppy!"
1	A photon walks into a hotel The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?" Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"
1	I finally lost it with the hoarding! Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper. I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself. He said “Are you don...
1	An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars. Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars" Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?" Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit." Bank assistant: "Well considering th...
2	A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
2	What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder? "You may have graduated, but I've got hundreds of degrees"
2	A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days. "I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said. "Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America." "No one does. That's how it survives."
2	Wife: You’re shirtless? Me: Yes Wife: And also covered in ... oil? Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten? Wife: Listen! You never listen! Me: Ohh
2	A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison... ...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?' The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be th...
3	An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have one half of a beer." The third says, "I'll have one fourth of a beer." Frustrated, the bartender pulls out two bottles and says, "You guys should know your limits."
3	A man goes to the bathroom and sees a midget at one of the urinals A man walks into a bathroom and sees a midget at the urinals. He walks over to him and starts pissing in the neighboring urinal. Out of curiosity, he looks over to him and realizes the midget has the biggest dick he has ever seen. After a while, he says...
3	A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad? Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff
3	Multijokes: How many Jews can you fit in a family car. Standard Answer: Three in the back, two in the front and six-million in the ashtray. Follow-Up Answer: Three in the back, two in the front and none anywhere else because the Holocaust never happened. Alternate Answer: Three in the back, two in the fro...
3	So, there are two men. They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former refugee from syria. Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house! And when the ho...
4	Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media. Doctor: I don't follow you.
4	I am a fried nut A string walks into a bar, and the bartender's all like "HEY, WE DON'T SERVE STRING IN HERE". Now obviously this makes the string very angry, so he goes outside and just goes CRAZY. He's rolling around, punching walls, hitting the ground, and by the time he's finally tired out he got himself all tied ...
4	A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon. It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest ...
4	I was in a public restroom in Palm Springs recently and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next stall He said "Hi! How's it going?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to tonight?". A little afraid and a little irritated, I said "Sitting here, same as you!" He said, "...
4	There was a knock at my door. I said, "Who is it?" and they told me that it was the police. I asked them what they wanted and they said that they wanted to investigate my property for marijuana. I said, "I haven't got any. Now be on your way." "Well then," they said, "what harm is there in us checking?" I said, "Bec...
5	German lorry driver sat in Liverpool bar mouthing off about how lazy the British are... He says 'I drive my truck from Hamburg to Liverpool via Holland/Belgium over to the UK and up to Liverpool, drops his load off and back to Hamburg in under 2 days. Drunk old scouse man can't help but hear him and mutters 'Fuck off ...
5	A boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework is to learn the difference between theory and reality... The father says ‘son, that’s easy. I’ll give you an example. Go into the kitchen and ask your mother if she would sleep with the plumber for a million dollars’. After a short while the son come...
5	My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning He said, "What are you doing daddy?" "It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why, daddy?" he asked. "Because my arm is fucking killing me."
5	My Son Kerry and Puppies So I was walking down the street with my son kerry and we seen a couple of dogs having sex. My son being young and all says "dad what are they doing" I say "they making puppies son" "like that?" "yeah right from behind son. Anyway a few days later kerry walks in on me and the wife having sex an...
5	Dentist: this is gonna hurt a lot Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your wife
6	Pollen accidentally enters body Immune system: What the hell is that? Pollen: Oh hey. Sorry. We got a bit lost. The wind kinda bl- Immune system: OH GOD WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! Pollen: What?! No! We just got lo- Immune system: OPEN THE FLOODGATES! Pollen: The what? Mucus membranes: Sir. All the floodgates? Immune ...
6	Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Your bosses tie
6	Adolf asked his advisor "How's the weather today?" "Hail, Hitler"
6	Genie: "You have one more wish", Me: "I wish I was invisible"... Gene: Wsh granted
6	A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science! One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."
7	What do you call a Jewish pokemon trainer? Ash. edit: Thank you, didn't expect it to blow up.
7	A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange. He gives the teller $100 CAD And receives $150 ¥ back. He returns the following week to do the same thing. He gives the teller $100 CAD and receives $140 ¥. He asks "I was in here last week, why am I not getting the same amount back?" Teller replies, "Well, fluctuation...
7	A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
7	One atom says to another atom "Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!" "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"
7	A fella was up in court This fella was up in court being charged with murder. The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer” A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!” The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daughter to death ...
8	3 operating systems walk into a bar The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager." The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!...
8	The hurricane Sandy. A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhatta...
8	A piece of string walks into a bar... And asks for a Beer. The barman says: "I'm sorry we don't serve pieces of string". So the piece of string walks outside, ruffles himself up, walks back into the bar and says: "Can I have a Beer please". The barman replies: "Aren't you that piece of string I just asked to leave"....
8	A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best. And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's ...
8	Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint- Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster ...
9	I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks" "Ducks can't talk" says I. "5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise" "You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks" I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?" "Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of pudd...
9	It was a fine day out on the sea... when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks. "Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?" ...
9	Words that start with "S" suck. Girl: Tom, I've come to realize something about the letter s. Boy: Tell me. Girl: Words that start with s suck. Boy: What do you mean? Girl: Well, snakes suck. So does a sting, and so does getting stabbed. Boy: Well, Sally, if thats the case I'd like to have you over tonight for din...
9	Dad walks in on son fapping He says,"Son that'll make you go blind!" The young man says,"Dad I'm over here, that's a lamp."
9	An old bosnian joke my dad told me. Theres a man named haso and its his first day on the job as a taxi driver and he just picked up a tourist as they're driving around the tourist sees a building that he thinks is absolutely beautiful the tourist gently reaches forward and taps haso on the shoulder and haso spins the c...
10	Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope? Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use. Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do! Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small! Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
10	A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe enter a bar; the bartender eyes them quizzically and asks, "what're you up to with all that?" The lion responds gruffly, "Narnia business!" ... I'm sorry.
10	I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies.... He asked, "What do you do in your free time". To which I responded, "I stalk people". "Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends". "I know"
10	Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading. One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read a quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger ...
10	WWII, nazis came to some village and decided to have a little fun So, they line up all the men from the village and pick one of their women. And one of the nazis says: "We'll kill all of you unless you will find your husband while blindfolded only by touching his dick". So, they blindfold her and she begins touching...
11	One day, God met with Adam in the garden of Eden "Hey Adam, I have two new organs for you," said god "What are they?" Adam Replied "Well," said God, "We have a brain, which will let you make intelligent decisions and hold conversations with Eve." "That's Great!" Adam said, "What's the other one?" "That would be a p...
11	[garden of eden] Snake: Pssst! want an apple? Eve: No thanks, I do not sin. Snake: What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20? Eve: 10 Snake: Thanksss Adam: How did you calculate that? Eve: Oh no.
11	The Jewish Samurai Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and rele...
11	The phone rings at KGB headquarters “Hello?” “Hello, is this KGB?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.” “This will be noted.” Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz’s house. They sear...
11	I'm not a Grammar Nazi! I'm alt-write.
12	There once was a plumber from Lea Who was plumbing a girl by the sea She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."
12	A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch A guy walks into a watch store with his broken watch and asks the owner if he could fix his watch. "We don't fix watches." the owner replied. "Well... Can I buy a new watch?" asks the man. "We don't sell watches either." "You don't fix watches, and you don't se...
12	What's a Communist's favorite video game? Don't Starve
12	$400a night A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man. ‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and the...
12	A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help. She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, Its supposed to be a Bird" Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"
13	If Noah built an Ark in 2018 And lo, in the year 2018, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.""Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."He...
13	What's the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and imaging you are poking through Old guy at work told me that hahaha
13	What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir/Ma'am, We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading
13	I met an old Air Force guy I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."
13	Pinocchio [NSFW] Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!" Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?" "You're too rough." Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..." She responds, "No, you don't understand. ...
14	Smartass Student: mister steven could I ask you a question Teacher: Yes of course Student:how do you put an elephant inside a fridge Teacher: I don’t know Student: just open the fridge and put it in.ok I have another question Teacher: ok ask Student: how do you put a donkey in a fridge Teacher: just open the f...
14	A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shi...
14	I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!
14	A redneck decides he wants a sex change A redneck decides he wants a sex change, but he's not sure he can afford it. He asks the local doctor about his options. "So you don't have insurance?" asks the doctor. "Nope." "And no funds for an operation like this?" "Just 10 bucks I got for scooping them dead raccoons o...
14	A guy in a bar A guy in a bar turned to the woman next to him and says, "above, off, on, out, over, in, from, for." The woman turns to him and asks, "are you trying to preposition me?"
15	[NSFW] I was making love to a loose woman at a party And I said, "Hey, this isn't an issue, but I've seen you with a bunch of other guys tonight. Do you think you could tell me how many it's been?" "Thirty-four," she told me, "but none of them know that." "I figured you'd be the only one keeping track," I said. "Why...
15	Hot and Cold After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm ...
15	Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..! . Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, . "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" Doyle was flabberga...
15	A young man is listening to a 90 year old, who was once a great adventurer.. The old man: "Then there was the time we were on safari, and from some bushes, not 10 feet away, a huge Lion attacked going ROAR!!!" "I tell you son, I just shit myself!" The young man: I don't blame you! If I had a Lion that close, I'd shi...
15	I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said... "So, how long have you been an instructor?"
16	At school A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student: \- What substance is that? \- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue! \- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!
16	A woman giddily asks her husband... "Honey, if you could pick any number to represent me, what would it be?" "Pi," said the husband. "Oh!" she replied "That's interesting. Does it have something to do with circles?" "No," he said. "But Pi is irrational, darling."
16	Mother in law dies A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says t...
16	A guy with Parkinson's, a sadist, and an epileptic were sitting in a bar Then the sadist tells the guy with Parkinson's: Can you turn on the light please, it's a little dark in here.
16	This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"? The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!
17	The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slam...
17	A fella was up in court This fella was up in court being charged with murder. The judge says “You are now being charged with battering your wife to death with a hammer” A voice from the back of the courtroom shouts “You bastard!” The judge continues “You are also being charged with battering your daughter to death ...
17	A priest is taking confessions... in the confession booth, and he desperately needs to take a bathroom break, however the queue outside the booth of confessing sinners is building and he really doesn't want to delay any further. Thankfully, with him is a young deacon in training, so the priest whispers to him, "liste...
17	An American spy is trying to disarm a bomb in a Soviet school. He's trying to decide which wire to cut. There's a red, a blue, and a green wire. As the timer ticks down and the agent is getting desperate he decides to cut the red wire. The next thing he remembers is waking up in a hospital. He can't feel or see anythin...
17	What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand. ...I'm so sorry. Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p Edit2: grammar, damnit Edit3: dammit!
18	Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster: Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well...
18	A guy walks into a doctors office and says 'You've gotta help me doc. I snore so loudly that I keep waking myself up, what can I do?' 'Oh that's easy' replies the doctor, 'just sleep in another room' ... Courtesy of my 6 year old.
18	A lethargic eunuch checks himself into the hospital. "Doctor, I've lost all my energy. What's wrong with me?" The doctors run a series of tests, but they can't find anything wrong with the eunuch. "I'm sorry, but we don't know what's causing your fatigue. We've tested for anemia, depression, sleeping disorders, and w...
18	At recess, all the children are playing outside. Little Mohammed goes to the swings and asks Little Jack if he can play on the swings too. "No, go away," replied Little Jack. "You're different and weird." A bit shaken, Little Mohammed goes to ask Little Suzie if he can play with her on the monkey bars. "No thanks, I...
18	Ban????? "How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?" "Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban." "Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"
19	My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder Sigh... unzips
19	My professor called me into his office. "Your essays are good", he said. "But you need to come up with more reliable sources for the quotes you use." "But sir," I started, "a man once said 'It is not the speaker that defines the merits of the words, but the words themselves.'" He sighed. "Who did? Who said that?"...
19	Which E.D. is worst, Erectile Dysfunction or Explosive Diarrhea? The man blushed and answered in almost a whisper: erectile dysfunction.. The embarassed woman also said: erectile dysfunction. The butch lesbian hesitantly replied: erectile dysfunction. The gay guy without hesitation answered: depends if you're top or...
19	A man goes to the doctor He tells him, "doctor, I think I have an intense fear of repeating myself." The doctor asks, "You have a fear of what?" "I said a fear of-"
19	A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"... "Why do you ask?" asks the Dad. The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
20	Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language: "Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display "I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display "Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display
20	Two farm-hands are lying in their bunk house. One asks the other "Hey Jimbo, what time is it?" Jimbo responds, "Well here, let me check." And he pulls out a bugle, and gives it a toot. From his house, the owner of the farm shouts: "The hell are you playing a bugle for at two in the morning?!" "Well." Jimbo says, "i...
20	There's a cheese manufacturer in Israel It's called 'cheeses of Nazareth'
20	Guys I created a new word Its called plagiarism
20	A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

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