jokeText stringlengths 11 9.52k | Topic int64 -1 99 | Name stringclasses 101
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|---|---|---|
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. | 20 | 20_cunt_neighbor_dwarf_rudest |
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks... | 2 | 2_devil_satan_hell_heat |
A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?
A chicken. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.
Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail. | 61 | 61_sylvester_bach_schwarzenegger_leonardo |
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." | 49 | 49_father_dad_gay_son |
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's fre... | 60 | 60_monks_monk_buddhist_monastery |
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week. | 15 | 15_chinese_kung_japanese_asian |
Gay Couple on a Plane
A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I ha... | 17 | 17_passengers_plane_dare_pilot |
Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!
I mean, you've got to give them credit. | 40 | 40_koreans_korea_submarines_putin |
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat." | 41 | 41_boat_slipped_wetter_finger |
Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me. | 57 | 57_lab_dogs_beastiality_dog |
Without the Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We would have IX/XI instead | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door. | 21 | 21_drank_liquor_alcohol_drinking |
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee... | 0 | 0_wife_she_her_shes |
Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term | 2 | 2_devil_satan_hell_heat |
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the h... | 62 | 62_itching_itch_powder_saliva |
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges. | 2 | 2_devil_satan_hell_heat |
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a ma... | 16 | 16_priest_priests_altar_confessional |
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.” | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.
But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta. | 65 | 65_monoxide_beeping_alarm_batteries |
My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I guess China finally got what they want
They managed to coronise the world.
Edit: thank you for all the awards! | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren't the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months......
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed!
​
Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards! | 21 | 21_drank_liquor_alcohol_drinking |
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments
| 47 | 47_vegans_veganism_vegetarian_vegan |
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that’s comparing apples to oranges. | 2 | 2_devil_satan_hell_heat |
When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me. | 43 | 43_condom_condoms_bra_sex |
I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied. | 39 | 39_disciples_jesus_supper_judas |
4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Sa... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke. | 68 | 68_undercover_age_14_teenage |
If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don’t. | 92 | 92_ring_rings_gollum_grenade |
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they're aimed at a younger audience... | 6 | 6_rooster_homeless_parrots_parrot |
Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times
Just like yo momma. | 67 | 67_momma_mommas_mama_mamas |
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the ... | 62 | 62_itching_itch_powder_saliva |
My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie
I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling
Edit: Yo my post made it to r/all that's so sick, this was told to me by one of my best friends earlier today so shout out to you bud!! | 7 | 7_girlfriend_porn_nsfw_shes |
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day." | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins". | 12 | 12_threesome_twosome_foursome_four |
I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. | 31 | 31_conversation_yelling_listening_yelled |
An African Lumberjack
An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.
"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.
The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.
"Holy... | 5 | 5_numbers_numerals_ten_nine |
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo...
Donald is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
L... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision. | 15 | 15_chinese_kung_japanese_asian |
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was a... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy. | 7 | 7_girlfriend_porn_nsfw_shes |
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)
Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :) | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A good (and very old) joke to explain why people are stocking up on necessities
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sk... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Fra... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter. | 15 | 15_chinese_kung_japanese_asian |
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted
I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange. | 83 | 83_priorities_blunt_wrap_list |
I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions
Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?" | 8 | 8_funeral_funerals_mourning_grief |
A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." T... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
...it was Luke warm. | 13 | 13_cannibals_tribe_officer_japanese |
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.” | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place. | 38 | 38_millennials_generation_economy_demographic |
A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”
Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned i... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear.....
Is Sphere Itself. | 20 | 20_cunt_neighbor_dwarf_rudest |
I take Viagra for my sun burn...
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.
​ | 26 | 26_beethoven_beethovens_symphony_churchyard |
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
---
Edit: Oh wow! Gold - thank you! Maybe I'm ready after all... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution. | 36 | 36_fridge_refrigerator_beer_frozen |
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
Edit: TRUMP 2020 KEEP AMERICA GREAT! | 12 | 12_threesome_twosome_foursome_four |
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him... | 4 | 4_blonde_blondes_joke_brunette |
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very sim... | 33 | 33_reporter_arab_israeli_isis |
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. | 3 | 3_policeman_officer_cop_lawyer |
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan,... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
The Bible says being gay is fine, as long as you're high.
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
- Leviticus 20:13 ESV
| 35 | 35_crocodile_lizard_monkey_alligator |
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.
It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.
That's Arkham's Razor.
Edit: Bloody hell, gold at 3 upvotes. Thanks Batman! | 37 | 37_batman_bees_bee_robin |
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means b... | 4 | 4_blonde_blondes_joke_brunette |
Do you know how to avoid clickbait?
Obviously not | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Do all black people have a problem with slavery ?
Or just mine ? | 6 | 6_rooster_homeless_parrots_parrot |
I applied to be a sperm donor and the nurse asked if I could masturbate in the cup...
I told her i'm pretty good but I don't think i'm ready to compete in a tournament yet. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".
He s... | 81 | 81_meal_hamburger_restaurant_hamburgers |
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.
[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum
| 67 | 67_momma_mommas_mama_mamas |
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday. | 56 | 56_upvotes_anal_wife_upvote |
A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."
So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"
And Daddy starts to say something ... | 10 | 10_father_daddy_dad_son |
Deaf Sex
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. She wri... | 0 | 0_wife_she_her_shes |
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero
The Invisible Man | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women. | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Why didn't 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2². | 5 | 5_numbers_numerals_ten_nine |
I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub ... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.
Since she can't even beat an egg
Edit:
Whoa, front page, im ashamed. Thank you kind stranger for the silver oh, you made my day! | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media
But every American knows that America is the best country in the world | 40 | 40_koreans_korea_submarines_putin |
A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute
and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be ... | 86 | 86_motorcycle_harley_bike_joe |
Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?
You have to be alive to have autism.
Edit: Holy shit thank you for the Reddit Gold, I’m just a teenager that posted a dumb joke on the internet, didn’t expect it to blow up. Thank you so much. | 3 | 3_policeman_officer_cop_lawyer |
I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.
So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.
I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hai... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Edit: I’ve never gotten this many upvotes before, thanks guys! | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddle... | 1 | 1_lion_monkey_zoo_gorilla |
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.
Whoops, wrong sub | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....
Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?
Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.
Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before. | 35 | 35_crocodile_lizard_monkey_alligator |
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub. | 56 | 56_upvotes_anal_wife_upvote |
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. ... | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."
The boy ... | 10 | 10_father_daddy_dad_son |
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a ... | 0 | 0_wife_she_her_shes |
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot." | 1 | 1_lion_monkey_zoo_gorilla |
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet" | -1 | -1_wife_woman_husband_sex |
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee | 61 | 61_sylvester_bach_schwarzenegger_leonardo |
What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?
HDMI
edit because everyone's yelling at me: its a repost. please stop downvote spamming my comments
edit 2: i dont know why it got tagged as nsfw. please stop asking | 13 | 13_cannibals_tribe_officer_japanese |
The wife came early and found her husband making love with a young attractive woman.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife and mother of your children! I am leaving you"
The husband replied "Hang on a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Go ahead", ... | 0 | 0_wife_she_her_shes |
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