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Exactly.
Nightmare.
It's a tightrope, Spud, a fucking tightrope.
My problem is that I tend to clam up. I go dumb and I can't answer any questions at all. Nerves on the big occasion, like a footballer.
Try this.
A little too well, if anything, a little too well, that's my only fear, compadre.
Another dab?
Would not say no, would not say no.
Are you getting out much?
No.
Following the game at all?
No.
No. Me Neither.
You take the test?
Aye.
Clear?
Aye.
That's nice.
I'm sorry, Tommy.
Have you got any gear on you?
No, I'm clean.
Well, sub us, then, mate. I'm expecting a rent cheque.
Thanks, Mark.
No problem. No problem easy to say when its some other poor cunt with shite for blood.
Morning, Spud. Sit down and have some breakfast.
Sorry about last night
I'll put the sheets in the washing machine just now.
No, I'll wash them. I'll take them home and bring them back.
There's no need.
It's no problem.
No problem for me either. Honestly, it's no problem.
I'd really rather take care of it myself.
Spud, they're my sheets.
No, actually I went to Craignewton but I was worried that you wouldn't have heard of it so I put the Royal Edinburgh College instead, because they're both schools, right, and we're all in this together, and I wanted to put across the general idea rather than the details, yeah? People get all hung up on details, but what's the point? Like which school? Does it matter? Why? When? Where? Or how many O grades did I get? Could be six, could be one, but that's not important. What's important is that I am, right? That I am.
Mr. Murphy, do you mean that you lied on your application?
Only to get my foot in the door. Showing initiative, right?
You were referred here by the Department of Employment. There's no need for you to get you "foot in the door", as you put it.
Hey. Right. No problem. Whatever you say, man. You're the man, the governor, the dude in the chair, like. I'm merely here. But obviously I am. Here, that is. I hope I'm not talking too much. I don't usually. I think it's all important though, isn't it?
Thank you, Mr. Murphy. We'll let you know.
The pleasure was mine. Best interview I've ever been to. Thanks.
Well, Mr. Renton, I see that you attended the Royal Edinburgh College.
Indeed, yes, those halcyon days.
One of Edinburgh's finest schools.
Oh, yes, indeed. I look back on my time there with great fondness and affection. The debating society, the first eleven, the soft know of willow on leather
I'm an old boy myself, you know?
Oh, really?
Do you recall the school motto?
Of course, the motto, the motto
Strive, hope, believe and conquer.
Exactly. Those very words have been my guiding light in what is, after all, a dark and often hostile world.
Tommy, let's put the tape on.
Now?
Yes, I want to watch ourselves while we're screwing.
Fuck, OK.
What do you mean, it's 'gone'? Where has it gone, Tommy?
It'll be here somewhere. I might have returned it by mistake.
Returned it? Where? To the video shop, Tommy? To the fucking video store? So every punter in Edinburgh is jerking off to our video? God, Tommy, I feel sick.
Tommy knew he had the virus, like, but never knew he'd gone fullblown.
What was it, pneumonia or cancer?
No, toxoplasmosis. Sort of like a stroke.
Eh? How's that?
I bet Lizzy told him where to put it.
Exactly. I'm not wanting a cat, she says. Get to fuck, right. So there's Tommy stuck with this kitten. You can imagine what happened. The thing was neglected, pissing and shitting all over the place. Tommy was lying around fucked out of his eyeballs on smack or downers. He didn't know you could get toxoplasmosis from cat shit.
I didn't either. What the fuck is it?
I read it in Cosmopolitan.
It's an interesting theory.
Actually it's a nightmare. I've been desperate for a shag, but watching him suffer was just too much fun. You should try it with Tommy.
What, and deny myself the only pleasure I get from him? Did I tell you about my birthday?
What happened?
He forgot. Useless motherfucker.
Excuse me, I don't mean to harass you, but I was very impressed by the capable and stylish manner in which you dealt with that situation. I thought to myself: she's special.
Thanks.
What's your name?
Diane.
Where are you going, Diane?
I'm going home.
Where's that?
It's where I live.
Great.
What?
I'll come back if you like, but I'm not promising anything.
Do you find that this approach usually works, or, let me guess, you've never tried it before. In fact, you don't normally approach girls, am I right? The truth is that you're a quite, sensitive type but if I'm prepared to take a chance I might just get to know the inner you: witty, adventurous, passionate, loving, loyal, a little bit crazy, a little bit bad, but, hey, don't us girls just love that?
Eh
Well, what's wrong, boy? Cat got your tongue.
think I left something back at the
Diane.
Ssshh!
Sorry.
Shut up.
Christ, I haven't felt that good since Archie Gemmill scored against Holland in 1978.
Right. You can't sleep here.
What?
Out.
Come on.
No argument. You can sleep on the sofa in the living room, or go home. It's up to you.
Jesus.
And don't make any noise.
I don't see why not.
Because it's illegal.
Holding hands?