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What's a concubine?
Check your driver's license.
Fine. Got it. Look, the way I see it, I'm stuck here, right? I mean, I'm here or I'm target practice. So here's the deal I don't bug you, you don't bug me. I'll catch up on some sleep, watch some tube, lay back and lay low. So just get me a key and show me to my room, and do not disturb. Capisce?
Of course. But it's almost lunch.
Cool. Is there a menu? Or buffet?
Before we do, you might like to freshen up. And you'll certainly want to change
Deal.
How about a robe? One of those big terry cloth jobs, with like embroidery on the pocket. "Guest of St. Katherine's"
Would you like that?
Excused. Open the cabinet to your left. You will find appropriate attire.
Can do.
No! No! I can't do this!
Normally dressed, you are a sore thumb, and you endanger us all. While you are here, you will conduct yourself as a nun. Only I shall know who, and what, you truly are. You will not disrupt the convent. You will not influence the Sisters with your colorful street talk. You will draw no attention to yourself in any way.
But look at rites Look at this! I'm a nun! I'm invisible! I'm a penguin!
As of now, and until you leave, you are Sister Mary Clarence.
Mary Clarence? Like a guy? Like a dumb guy?
The Mary is in deference to the Holy Mother, the Clarence in honor of Saint Clarence Loyola. There are three vows that every nun must accept. The vow of poverty...
No problem.
The vow of obedience.
Like to who?
And the vow of chastity.
I'm outta here.
Sisters, for the rest of the day we shall declare a Vow of Silence.
A what?
Surely you are familiar with this practice, Mary Clarence. Only when our lips are silent, can our prayers truly be heard.
Silence? No talking? All day?
Until sundown.
As a new member of our order, I think you might also enjoy a ritual fast.
A what?
A fast. To remind us of the poor, of those who must endure without enough to eat.
No food?
No food. Not until sundown.
Is this all the food I get?
Yes. Until breakfast.
That's tomorrow! Don't you have any snacks? Machines?
This shall be your cell, Mary Clarence.
My what?
Your cell. Your room.
You were right the first time. Is this like, solitary? The cooler? Where's the furniture?
Our lives are simple. We have little need for material possessions.
Right, sure thing. But what about, like, appliances? Like a little color portable? Boom box?
Useless distractions.
It's like the Stone Age. The room time forgot. What about a phone?
And whom would you call?
Oh, I don't know... Satan?
Your cell is more than adequate.
Right. So what do we do now? Ping Pong? Row over to the monastery?
It is nine p.m. Pleasant dreams.
Wait. No. You're kidding. Lights out? At nine? My day's just starting.
I'm sure. If I were you, I would use this time, to think about my life. And its direction. Or lack thereof.
What's wrong with my life?
From all I've heard, just about everything. Your singing career seems all but nonexistent, and your married lover wants you dead.
Yeah?
Girls, this is Sister Mary Clarence. She'll be minding you until Sister Mary Patrick's return. Mary Clarence, please assign a biblical passage. Do not attempt discussion. Am I understood?
I got it.
Come, Sister.
Deal with it, sweet thing. It's important, nowadays. You just practice at home, with a balloon and a banana.
Mary Clarence!
A balloon and a banana! Tell me, Mary Clarence, what were you thinking?
Those girls were asking questions. They've got it rough. I wish somebody had talked to me about that stuff when was their age. I wish somebody would talk to me about it now.
This is a convent, not a clinic. We offer moral guidance, not hardware.
Have you been out in those streets? Do you know what those kids are up against? You should help them!
We are nuns. We seek solutions through prayer.
Sometimes it's not enough!
You are correct. Sometimes prayer alone cannot help a situation. Such as your own, for example. How do you feel about physical labor?
It never solves anything.
Do your recall the words of Saint Peter, in Ecciesiastes 1:27? He spoke unto a wastrel youth. He said, "Take up thy task, and know ye the path of contentment."
In English?
How to put it... ah, Of course, Mary Clarence. "No pain, no gain."
Really catching on.
Good. Mary Patrick, I need you in the office. Mary Clarence, carry on.
I'm sorry, I'm not a weaver!
Months of work, and the loom, absolutely ruined!
Look, this isn't my kind of thing! I wasn't cut out to make little tapestries, or knit little sweaters! I don't do that! I'm a star!
So... hi there.
I don't believe we have anything to say to each other.
Look... I know I shouldn't have, I'm incredibly sorry about Mary Robert, I wasn't thinking, I didn't know that would happen!
Mary Robert's life was in danger! Your behavior was inexcusable!
I know! I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to happen! And I was the one they were shooting at!
Mary Clarence, I have given you every opportunity. To change. To make a decent life for yourself.
A decent life? Excuse me? As what? A janitor?
Clearly, you have learned nothing. And you present an ongoing threat, both to this convent and to yourself.
But you can't kick me out! Guys want to kill me! You're a nun! A big nun! Aren't you supposed to have compassion? For the wayward sheep? I mean, I'm a major sinner! Alltime great! Hall of Fame! Aren't I, like, your dream come true? Your Olympic event?
Mary Clarence, perhaps you are correct.
I am?
You may stay. But I shall restrict your activities to but a single task.
What?
You have, I believe, some minimal background in music. Therefore, you are to join our choir.
You will sing, and you will sleep,' that is your schedule until you depart. As almost no one attends Mass, you will be unable to cause further damage.
No. No.
You're my Olympic event.
Not the choir, please, anything but that. The choir I mean, have you heard them? I'll do anything, scrub floors, toilets, you name it, but not that I
The choir, Mary Clarence. Go for the gold.
I was thinking Las Vegas. Get some butts in those seats.
And what next? Popcorn? Curtain calls? This is not a theater. or a casino.
Exactly. People like going to theaters and casinos. But they think church is for Grandma we could change that. Pack the joint.
Through blasphemy? You have corrupted the entire choir!
Hold on. That's not fair. I worked hard with them. They gave up their free time, and they loved it. Those women are happy. And we can get even better. We can wake this place up.
Out of the question.
Please let me try. I'm begging you.