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115 | 23 | 0.88 | 115 | this actually happened a couple of years ago. i grew up in germany where i went to a german secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade (we still had 13 grades then, they have since changed that). my school was named after anne frank and we had a club that i was very active in from 9th grade on, which was dedicat... | confuse a 5th grade girl for a boy in front of half of her class. kids are mean. sorry sandra.** | gender-stereotyping | [
"this actually happened a couple of years ago. i",
"grew up in germany where i went to a german",
"secondary school that went from 5th to 13th grade",
"(we still had 13 grades then, they have since",
"changed that). my school was named after anne",
"frank and we had a club that i was very active in",
"f... | [
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16 | 12 | 0.79 | 16 | it was last october, but i'm feeling the fall-out from it the most today.
after my mom died from cancer last year, i started looking for my estranged father. i had only known him for a short time when i was 6 and barely remembered more than his name. i never knew why he left and my mom would not talk about him wit... | i found my estranged dad, thought i loved him after getting to know him, got to know him better and changed my mind. | telling my dad that i love him. | [
"it was last october, but i'm feeling the fall-out",
"from it the most today.",
"after my mom died from cancer last year, i",
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0.0503... | started looking for my estranged father. i had change for the better. eventually, i told him that i loved him after |
55 | 10 | 0.85 | 55 | so i had the brilliant idea to use veet hair removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a trim and i had heard that veet leaves them smoother for longer. well i guess thats right when the skin has to grow back first.
pre-story: i tried this before and the results were great but i had decided to do it again becau... | had my balls burned by sauron and was left deveeted. | i was deveeted... | [
"so i had the brilliant idea to use veet hair",
"removal gel as the ol' danglies were in need of a",
"trim and i had heard that veet leaves them",
"smoother for longer. well i guess thats right",
"when the skin has to grow back first.",
"pre-story: i tried this before and the results",
"were great but i... | [
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90 | 20 | 0.92 | 90 | today i was going to have a bath after a long day of painting kids faces at a carnival. all would go well, except being the genius i am, i put in some epsom salts (i always do for my bath), and i grabbed my bottle of peppermint essential oil.
lately, i've been on a diy-pinterest-tumblr-let's-make-my-own-shit-and-be-f... | peppermint + bath = burning cold ladybits. | wanting a pepperminty bath. | [
"today i was going to have a bath after a long day",
"of painting kids faces at a carnival. all would",
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81 | 18 | 0.79 | 81 | i haven't had a bath in practically years so, after finally moving into a house with a bath, i decide to have one. having recently purchased a shiny new bag of weed, i thought combining the two would be a good idea.
picture this; a very cramped bathroom, no windows, a shitty extractor fan, closed door, steaming hot ba... | got too high and too hot in the bath, almost cooked myself like a lobster. | having a spliff in the bath. | [
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4 | 3 | 0.53 | 4 | this was like 2 and a half weeks ago maybe 3. so i left my house to meet up with my girlfriend at a spot in some sorta wood type thing near some nice houses. on my way i saw landscape workers working around the houses and cleaning. i meet my gf and go find a spot in the woods. the spot we went to seemed nice and lonel... | i had sex with my gf in the woods and got caught by landscape workers. | fucking my gf in the woods. [nsfw] | [
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21 | 9 | 0.86 | 21 | so, my oven is broken...and i'm out of cooking oil, but i want some french fries. so i search the internet and find that if you cover french fries with something, either napkins or another plate and microwave them, they turn out ok. so i tried it, i took to plates, smushed em together and put the french fries in the mi... | tried to microwave french fries and stuck my finger into a franken-fuck of pain causing first degree burns | trying to microwave french fries | [
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"oil, but i want some french fries. so i search",
"the internet and find that if you cover french",
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10 | 7 | 0.71 | 10 | this technically happened yesterday since it 1:30 am here, but i can't sleep because i'm worried.
before i start, let me set the scene. it's getting close to 6 on a mildly wet western north carolina summer day. not too much rain, but enough to get the grass wet, and i'm in the really mountainous part of wnc.
so any... | my truck went vroom vroom into a ditch. i tried to get it out, and it tried to kill me. after shouting "ole!" and getting scratched up more than a husband having sex with a kinky cougar, two rednecks helped me out of a perilous predicament. and now me, my testicles, and my truck are all safe and sound. | tearing through a friend's fence and nearly killing myself | [
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21 | 21 | 0.86 | 21 | earlier today, i was at the local county fair in the lovely county of adams in wisconsin. i was there to enjoy the fair, help out and have a wonderful day. however, later in the afternoon, i found myself in the rabbit, chicken, duck, goose and dairy barn. i was behind a row of rabbit cages with my cousin, which bordere... | i fucked up by mistaking a heifer's want for water as a want for attention, petted it, and screwed my hand up pretty bad. mainly the middle finger. | petting a cow. | [
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"the lovely county of adams in wisconsin. i was",
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67 | 9 | 0.91 | 67 | so recently i have come down with a nasty upper respiratory infection and have been coughing a lot.
today, i was sitting in the cafeteria at my college when i felt a particularly big cough coming on. it was a very effective cough, and apparently too effective, because instantly i realized i had shat my pants. while... | i coughed so hard i shat my self and was happy about it. | coughing so hard i shat my self | [
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911 | 240 | 0.82 | 911 | so yeah it actually didn't happen today but about 5 years ago. i was still a virgin and kind of frustrated about it. you know how it goes "shit i'm still a virgin..."
so i was at this party and i heard that there was a girl which i heard she was pretty easy(let's call her easy girl from now on). so for the rest of the... | lost my virginity on someones driveway with a girl i didn't give a shit about and peed in her mouth. | girl gave me head, i thought i came...i was wrong![slightly nsfw?] | [
"so yeah it actually didn't happen today but about",
"5 years ago. i was still a virgin and kind of",
"frustrated about it. you know how it goes \"shit",
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"call her easy girl ... | [
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20 | 2 | 0.77 | 20 | my boss had a stroke. he was hospitalized today. while a coworker was explaining his status i had my ear buds in and was laughing hysterically like a hyena at adviceanimals. | caught laughing during bad news | laughing at the wrong time | [
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0 | 2 | 0.42 | 0 | this happened this last weekend we all know that "i'm glad you came" song right? yeah i now will forever hate that song
let me rewind i am 22 years old and in college my mom and sister came to pick me up for the weekend because my car is at the shop
well anyways that song comes on my sister starts singing it and of ... | i told my sister i came on my mother last night because of a song she was singing | making a horribly inappropiate joke | [
"this happened this last weekend we all know that",
"\"i'm glad you came\" song right? yeah i now will",
"forever hate that song",
"let me rewind i am 22 years old and in college my",
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"because my car is at the shop",
"well anyways that song comes on ... | [
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127 | 15 | 0.94 | 127 | every day i drive to a park and ride, which is about 2 miles away from my place. well this morning as i was leaving, i left my keys on the counter and locked the door on the way out. it was both my car keys and my condo keys and i had no way back in. my wife had left for work 5 minutes earlier; i tried calling her and ... | locked myself out of my car and condo, sharted, had to walk in the rain 2 miles to the bus. | locking myself out and thinking i just had gas | [
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0 | 4 | 0.5 | 0 | so, this girl in my class and i have been working on a number of projects lately and we've developed a great connection. there seems to have been a number of signals, her calling things "our song," texts for no reason, etc... the only problem was that i was her group leader (she was working under me) and i felt it in... | like a girl, finally decided it was safe to make a move, slept with a different girl, fucked everything up | sleeping with a girl other than the girl i like | [
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374 | 64 | 0.89 | 374 | (technically this is more of a three years ago i fucked up, but i digress...)
back in the good old school days, we had friday sport. this term, myself and a group of friends decided to join the representative touch footy team, and we were waiting for the bus to take us to our semi final match.
my friend was sitting on... | sat in my friend's lap, douchebag teacher dislocates my knee, kneecap decides to stay locked to the side until i got to the hospital, drugs then two weeks on crutches. | sitting in my friend's lap... | [
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8 | 5 | 0.79 | 8 | so i got a windows 7 ultimate disc and decided i should upgrade and start fresh. i decide that i will keep all my files (about 400 gigs) so i brought my laptop to school to hook up to one of the extra hard drives while i had decided to reinstall. so get to school and whats the first thing my dumbass self does? put the ... | i wanted to upgrade my windows but didn't back up my files so now i have 400 gigs of videos and school work to redo/redownload. | prematurely formatting my hard drive. | [
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8 | 15 | 0.59 | 8 | okay so this morning i woke up extremely tired, looking for a way to wake my self up (i don't go back to sleep easily, so i decided to wake up instead). i chose food (what else!?)
so i went to the kitchen, poured some cereal into a bowl and got a cup, got out the milk and juice (i have the same god damn thing every da... | woke up tired as fuck and poured juice on my cereal and liked it** | making breakfast | [
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4 | 4 | 0.67 | 4 | **warning!: wall of text which could easily be viewed as really fucking boring**
the background of the relationship is that we had met online and hadn't met yet. he lives 200 miles away from where i live, but my life's rather busy and he doesn't have a job right now (unemployment in his region is over 50%, so i don't ... | would be that **he effectively told me i should live in a region he hates and i admire because i clearly don't understand the political climate — in so many words, we should break things off.** however, it's much deeper than that. apparently, half his family is from said region (and it's the half he dislikes, of course... | asking for the truth from someone i would have been in a loving relationship with | [
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0.983434373... | the background of the relationship is that we had boy, was i wrong. different region (one which neither of us live collapse. i am a lover of said region; it's the bothering me since he had called people from things. we have always had different work. this morning, however, i couldn't hold back i don't know what else to... |
429 | 64 | 0.96 | 429 | i had my electronics class today and my professor gave us an assignment where we have to make something from nothing. nothing being the broken computers and other electronics that we could find in our workroom.
my group decided to build a boat, because honestly, hot gluing a block of styrofoam to a cpu fan is the eas... | i bricked my phone by giving it shock therapy with an oscillator.** | testing a speaker. | [
"i had my electronics class today and my professor",
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17 | 7 | 0.75 | 17 | i seldom go to starbucks but today i decided i should go, well inner me decides, "hey! lets get a frappucino!" i'm lactose intolerant and coffee usually upsets my stomach, but hey i really wanted to go to try the new hazelnut frappe and this totally escaped my mind. just because hey i'm thirsty! so i order it and drin... | go to starbucks, shit myself. | going to starbucks. | [
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42 | 17 | 0.86 | 42 | this was actually a few weeks ago, but over the course of my relationship with my girlfriend we have shared quite a lot of intimate texts between each other. among those however are the rest of our texts, usually filled with sweet messages, thoughtful things, important life events, etc. i have my phone set to back up a... | accidentally backed up sexts to brother's computer, he discovered them, he now knows the things my girlfriend and i do in bed. | accidentally letting my 14 year old brother see my sexts | [
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124 | 37 | 0.87 | 124 | well it wasn't today but rather last night.... after a few drinks and a blunt (we are both ents), my boyfriend and i decided to "do the dirty" since its been a few days. we were getting really into it when he decides he wants to do anal again. i'm not a big fan but we have done it before and he knows to be gentle so i ... | i sharted on my boyfriend during sex. | sharting on my boyfriend | [
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2 | 4 | 0.47 | 2 | ok so first off i would like to say its not funny till the end so prepare to be like "o shit" and then "is this ever going to end" but enjoy.
so i was going downstairs about 2 hours ago to get something to eat and possibly to drink. while downstairs i notice my mother eating a salad, and naturally i was like fuck yea ... | i damn near killed my mom while being the "salad ninja" and had to explain what had happened to the paramedics while having a hitler mustache. | having a terrible choice in mustache at the wrong time... | [
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180 | 38 | 0.88 | 180 | this happened a few years back so i know its not today, but its my cake day and i do what i want.
so i was working at a fast food restaurant working the grill. it was a particularly busy day, and i didn't have a lot of experience on the grill. i was working with a few good friends and this girl lets call her cathy. n... | told a girl with burns on 90% of her body "i hope you burn yourself" | telling a girl i hope she burns herself. | [
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120 | 44 | 0.75 | 120 | after much pleading with my girlfriend i was able to convince her to have special sexy times. that's right, i was going to take my love canoe to the grand tetons! not only that, but i was going to, for lack of something clever, cum right on her neck, which sounds fantastic and foolproof! how naive i was to think that i... | tried to make babies in my girlfriend's eye. | during sexy times | [
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14 | 19 | 0.88 | 14 | i went on a road trip to visit my mom last week. it was my first time driving to nyc. my map app told me that it was a toll road so i pulled out $20 cash thinking it would be plenty. i'm from the midwest and i've never paid a toll that was higher than maybe $4. i've made the drive up i95 as far north as baltimore all t... | gas to get from ga to ny round trip was around $200. tolls and citations will probably end up being over half that. so much for my idea to take a spontaneous road trip and surprise my kids with a visit to grandma's house. | failing the jersey turnpike | [
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579 | 73 | 0.89 | 579 | okay, so i just got off work today and i had to tell this story somewhere. i work in a call center for a cable company for their tech support. today i got a specific call about something along the lines of "when i open internet explorer all that comes up is a giant white screen and i can never close out of the pages"
... | tried helping someone with a problem even though it was out of my realm of support and ended up looking at multiple pages of an elderly man's porn, then had to close it out for him because he didn't know how. tifu. | trying to help an elderly man use ie on windows 8 | [
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116 | 30 | 0.9 | 116 | technically it was not today but last friday, hope you forgive me there. also, forgive the bad english of a spanish speaker.
so i´m a nervous guy,and this week, the money my parents gave me for college went away faster than usual, because i had to buy some groceries on my apartment that i didn´t account for. now, i ... | jumped out of a bus, walked back home and got carried back to the hospital to find out walking normally was out of the table for the next two or three months. | jumping from a moving vehicle. | [
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9 | 10 | 0.67 | 9 | so, i was playing halo 4 at my friends house. we played like 5 matches, and i had been doing horribly.
we start up a game of free for all and we get at it. intense game. last 20 seconds and im tied with my friend who is sitting there split screening with me. i win by a kill.
herrs where i fuck up. i get so excited an... | im a loser at halo, win once, freak out, kick xbox, scratch disc, have to give him mine. | overreacting to winning. | [
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13 | 2 | 0.69 | 13 | ok, sigh. this happened last night.
my friend, brother and i went to go watch a movie at a local theatre. im getting over a stomach flu so ive been passing gas lately, sorry for the tmi. so we find a parking spot and i thought it would be funny to rip a huge one before we leave to see if the smell would still stay in ... | i forced a shart, cleaned up and stunk up a starbucks bathroom, and watched a movie commando. | forcing a shart. | [
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42 | 4 | 0.89 | 42 | because my nails are super thick and i have scissors instead of clippers, i tend to forget clipping them every now and then, causing them to get super long and, and some cases, super fragile.
while i was pacing around, killing time by listening to music, i stumbled down the mini-steps into the hallway, sending my righ... | suffered the agony of the feet, nearly passed out at the sight of my fuckup. | not clipping my toenails | [
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19 | 5 | 0.82 | 19 | it's the start of a glorious weekend. getting home from a long day, hanging out with close friends, getting the occasional call or text message to jump from one activity to the next. early evening i receive a text from what i believed, at the time, was a beautiful, yet intelligent woman i had been texting earlier that ... | make sure you know who you are testing, or else you may find things out about your associates that you wouldn't want to know. | not having proper names for the numbers in my phone | [
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55 | 30 | 0.79 | 55 | so today started like any other saturday. i picked up my buddy from his house and came back to mine to play some gamecube games. we got a bit hungry around 1-ish today and decided to get something we haven't eaten in a while. i offered my dad to buy him lunch and he said taco bell. i was hesitant because i never really... | i ate taco bell and arby's in the same day and i haven't left my toilet for a fucking hour with no tp! pretty sure my anus is bleeding** | mixing taco bell and arby's in one day | [
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9 | 5 | 0.71 | 9 | so i've been dating a girl for about 6 months. i'm bi, and she doesn't know that. i'm more sexually attracted to men, but i have more of an emotional attraction to her. anyway, today, we were sitting around bullshitting like we usually do. i decided i want to show her a new song that i found that i figure she would lik... | showed my girlfriend my gay porn collection, played it off as a prank. | showing my girlfriend my gay porn. | [
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0 | 9 | 0.48 | 0 | so there's this girl who works at a burrito place i like.
cool chick, we're friends, have been for a while.
so i'm thinking i'll go here for lunch.
she's working, and i starting talking to her, hitting on her, cuz she's hot and i'm a guy so fuck it, why not.
turns out, when i dated her friend a while back, and dumped... | i hit on a lez, and had to settle for measly taco bell. | hitting on my burrito girl | [
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25 | 19 | 0.64 | 25 | so some fucker is dancing between a two lane road whenever a lane gets fucking clogged (and by clogged i mean he can't fucking brake and wait like a normal person), thinking he'll get to his destination 4 minutes quicker. my previous two attempts to block him from getting to my lane and stop pulling that fuckery failed... | had a bad day turn worse due to fucking trolling ass driver or crap. good guy juan understands and we're done with it. | getting in a car accident. | [
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... | [
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24 | 6 | 0.91 | 24 | i work as sales in a manufacturing/distributing company that sells paper and plastic products. long story short, a distributor contacts me and is interested in spoons, requests prices, i give, and then orders. he gives me a card over email, which i should've suspected, but i didn't since it was a large amount of $$ and... | accidently charged stolen credit cards up to $28k and shipped out products that are now gone. | losing the company i work for $28k usd.. | [
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0 | 0 | 0.38 | 0 | nothing too exciting with this tifu. i already submitted my university applications earlier and theres pressure on my parents to attend university because it's more prestigious and the odds of me getting a career post grad is higher than college, i also think it's part of their own benefit. but i wanted to apply to bot... | i delayed applying to college because i knew i'd have no parental support and i couldn't apply because my card kept being bounced back and declined. now the application deadline has passed. | not submitting my college application sooner. | [
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0 | 4 | 0.23 | 0 | this bar i have been going to has my little sisters friends sister bar tending there and this past sunday i said one the dumbest things. i had asked if her sister was single and whatnot, i pretty much just asked that in general because i thought my sister and hers where not friends anymore, i tried to say my bad and ap... | asked about younger sisters friend to her older sister out of stupidity and i now feel like the creepy guy even though i believe she was giving me grief about telling her after i apologized. | i feel like the creepy guy. just found this subreddit and figured it's the right place. | [
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10 | 10 | 0.63 | 10 | this actually happened yesterday.
i have a tendency to get really, really bored at work - because we have long periods of downtime. to keep myself awake i try to make myself physically uncomfortable. on my way in yesterday morning, i knew i had to drop a deuce, so i figured i'd hold it til after work to get me through... | yesterday, i held in my crap to stay awake, it didn't work, and after getting sent home from work i crapped myself in the car. | falling asleep at work and shitting myself | [
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293 | 62 | 0.91 | 293 | first all, for those of you that don't know what headsooth is, it is a chapstick like device which you apply to your forehead when you have a headache, it gives a deep cold/burning sensation which isn't pleasant and the best of times.
so there we were, pre-drinking before a night out, having a right old laugh ect. wh... | put headsooth on balls, searing pain followed | putting 'headsooth' on my balls | [
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17 | 4 | 0.67 | 17 | granted, this f-up is not too bad compared to many of the others here, but it is bad in my life. it actually occurred last thursday. my first class had been canceled, and i was running late for my other class. we were having a test in that class, so i wanted to get there on time. best way? to drive fast. keep in mind, ... | my car accelerated the best it ever has, next to a cop, while late... | learning that my local police force do indeed do their jobs. | [
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53 | 11 | 0.9 | 53 | it's been a couple weeks since i'd been to the gym. i got sick, i started a new job, life was generally being shitty and in the way. after some gentle encouragement from my girlfriend, i agreed that i really did need to get back on it and go back to working out.
cue yesterday, first day back to the gym. i had lost my ... | **i locked my keys in my locker, including the key for my lock. i then had to walk my fat ass up to the front desk, in my underwear, and ask the female front desk attendant for the bolt cutters so i could get my clothes, keys and everything else out.** | using a lock on my locker at the gym. | [
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0 | 13 | 0.5 | 0 | i did some nude photography/modeling a few years back, and while i love the pieces i did and do not regret them in the slightest, i don't particularly want seeing my friends, especially male friends, seeing me nude, mostly because i have *body issues* like every other woman it seems.
i was browsing reddit, and noticed... | almost sent a link containing a link of old nude photos to my friend, but he was a good buddy and didn't look. | accidentally sending a link of nude photos to a friend | [
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2,401 | 389 | 0.9 | 2,401 | throwaway for obvious reasons, but i thought you guys might find more humor in what happened to me than i do.
today i've been feeling particularly horny. i think it's a combination of pms (which makes me want to have a dick inside me in the worst way), and just thinking about the incredible sex i had this past weeke... | boss walked in, i orgasmed, he got hard. pretty sure he fapped too. | flicking my bean at work. | [
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71 | 33 | 0.88 | 71 | this will ^hopefully be the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that i will ever post.
my mother in-law just got new , expensive chairs before the family visits for the holidays^you ^already ^know ^where ^this ^is ^going
so my entire family is sitting around the house, and i am feeling 100% ok. i just put on some ne... | a river of the most ~~vial~~ **vile** shit you will ever witness erupted from me in front of my entire family. | trusting a fart. | [
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12 | 3 | 0.75 | 12 | this is going to start like most of these with a "this wasn't today but whatever". just shut up, y'all want to here a good story. so, me and my two best mates are out in zante. first ever lads holiday. if you've seen the inbetweeners film, that was roughly our expectations. and it delivered.
so i had never been sick ... | i don't blame you, that was one hell of a wall of text. got so fucked up on first ever lads holiday, ended up in the hospital on a drip. and in zante, there's not nhs like here in blighty. £££ | seriously over-did it in zante. | [
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