Datasets:

hudsongouge
/

jokes

id stringlengths 16 16	text stringlengths 3 40k
5aa9df21529ff7e8	[me narrating a documentary about narrators] ""I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking""
63b1407446d69fee	Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away. Ticks, mosquitos, vampires... men.
87905adfb9e3e222	I've been going through a really rough period at work this week It's my own fault for swapping my tampax for sand paper.
49070b82aef01196	If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive... ...I would choose alive. -B.J. Novak-
67c3f5c94a72e749	Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
6928e9ad763bc070	Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken comes in a different box. Heyooooooo
ff9395d3615623e7	Why was the musician arrested? He got in treble.
bbdcb00ce037f671	Did you hear about the guy who blew his entire lottery winnings on a limousine? He had nothing left to chauffeur it.
a13a9180a3b4aa29	What do you do if a bird shits on your car? Don't ask her out again.
36520c3eeeb582e6	He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
4ccea3c981d1ed6d	Telling my daugthers date that ""she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her."" *Correct way to parent.
539731c063ddc48d	What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man? WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
c010ecc67e3fbdae	What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and an autonomous robot...? Nothing... they were both made to steal American jobs.
51fde7513fad17c3	What do you call a barbarian you can't see? an Invisigoth.
e2f0e40f29ce7e26	How do you spell Canda? C,eh,N,eh,D,eh
401376627c681751	You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
29f0873aa93117e6	What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say at the abortion clinic? Hasta last vista, baby.
fa665bee182dcbab	My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...
d255c4a9c722a54c	My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
1e5a45925bfc650c	Thanksgiving joke What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky! Just kidding... Drugs. She eats drugs. -Adam Zopf @adamzopf
7dd50d2ce1e6b90c	Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? 'Cause they are freaking good at it
6bc4c8ed101ee690	How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
d9e5412bb5d677f3	""That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!"" women
3304f1b50dee43cc	My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission. I guess I'll deal with him later.
b2c8e3698a2d7203	What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
98c2f79fa1c74c82	How to get a cop's attention
046728defd52d613	What happens to a necrophiliac after death? Reserection
78c647cd09874d7e	Why did the chicken hold a seance? To get to the other side.
dbed61c9926fa70c	Where do baby cows go to eat lunch? At the calf-eteria.
a6ece4373b62180a	What's the difference between a painting and Jesus. You only require one nail to put up the painting.
3d8776f300c83017	Mom: ""Do you want this?"" Me: ""No."" Mom: ""Ok I'll give it to your brother."" Me: ""No I want it.""
26aac2a4f22d7a3c	How do you fit 4 gays on one barstool? Flip it over!
c3c64cbd86b8166e	I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
8824ada278266588	Yttrium-barium-copper oxide walks into a bar The bartender tells him, ""We don't serve superconductors here."" He leaves without resistance.
41acb1db84629eb2	A guy pick up a woman Then he puts her down
eb607cd251b6176e	Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day.
764538bc732474b8	Which gospel contains Jesus' parable about the shades of numbers? Math hue.
bc86bab18c35b5c6	Ibuprofen is my favorite headache medicine that also sounds like a reggae professor.
14c248d213572278	Ted Cruz getting elected.
7df6430cb7d935e8	Before I destroy a wasp's nest I like to capture a single wasp and tell it my entire diabolical plan.
b8212ff5559bcd7d	What's Al-Qaeda's favorite American football team? The New York jets.
74f838eb09e53ba0	INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here? ME: crumbs tumbling from my mouth Oh, I don't. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
02e702bbb6a49b9c	Coming on valentines day. Fifty shades of grey. There won't be a dry seat in the cinema.
f2be5543695acaa1	Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison? He's a small medium at large.
5ca6ab98ec00113f	Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible!
275fe4dd3b93e9ae	What's the difference between a car tyre, and 365 condoms? One's a Goodyear, an the other's a great year.
adeab3209d05b955	Roses are red, Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the van.
d0ffd3df249416f1	I've struggled for years to be above the influence... But I've never been able to get that high
bad6441fd74e9d81	With Facebook, you can stay in touch with people you would otherwise never talk to, but that's only one of the many awful things about it
6ca8bf7ab6f48df1	What's the difference between a blonde and a washer? When you dump your load in a washer, it doesn't follow you around for a week.
6dbcbc28470b9a71	Have you ever heard of the movie ""Constipation""? No? Most likely because it never came out.
103bb3b477e842de	What's black, blue and doesn't look too well? Stevie Wonder
ece4b7b208c559c3	I saw a French rifle on eBay today It's never been fired but I heard it was dropped once.
ad9bacdf8ddddd57	What did the car said to the valet? I've been through a lot.
88111359976fd07b	Bill Clinton must be the luckiest man in the world. All of the sex he has, with Hillary, you know it's hate sex.
746b576654ce4a6c	yeah girl.. shake that thing where poop comes out of. it really turns me on when your poop factory shakes faster than usual
42c4d94d64a05b43	""I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."" --Stephen Hawking
4cc0247ee174776a	A Mexican fireman had twin boys He named them Jose and Hose B
e03f830b1d428572	I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before!
b932b72088c5c9de	Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
e1641f07f4ae3799	Things have really turned around for me since I re-named my penis and testicles ""JD Power and Associates"".
ea4cf39b054c479e	My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
ca37260b54a202a9	My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don't remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4e7afa8a60daa268	Why did the Xbox owner cross the road? To fuck your mom.
2f152c8c3c362b4a	Sometimes you check the amount of subscribed people. When you do this, there are 4,111,093,0003.666 ""humorists"". 2/3rds of a person? Really?
1765586ae64cfd3c	I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
0e20f100fb3dcc8b	What did the porn actress say when she opened the door? Make sure to come upstairs.
4c8234d1fbd4fd5e	I don't judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender...I base it on whether or not they're an asshole.
3d087d3e63c15c0f	Why were the baker's hands brown? Because he kneaded a poo.
44241afd7eaf1ca9	Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
77fba0010d002fd2	I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
f2b8c54418ddbe97	I'm terrible at telling jokes... I always punch up the fuck lines
54df26d01db62d43	What did the hillbilly say to his sister after she asked him to have sex with her? If you incest.
2cc3bb587e3c2714	""You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this"" -Guy who invented shovels
e0babd611546957d	How to keep the flies off the bride at an Italian wedding Keep a bucket of shit next to her
02a0da5a8d9589f2	What do grandparents smell like? ""Depends""
cf7359c86a87116d	7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
b4450d81299e4f8a	What do people from the 1930's and /r/news jokes have in common? They're both old.
6bab77fe68c5f233	I like my slaves like I like my coffee Fair Trade.
a2466bddbc064165	ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once GIRL: holy cow how did you survive ME: I fell off the bottom rung
e5339ff5043d707e	What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-think-he-saurus :) !! Lol What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog? A do-you-think-he-saurus-rex
6cda4b50803b400c	I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!
e77508b9a8374f39	This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don't believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
2af94e389ddecbaf	Jenna Jameson to Oprah, ""There's a little bit of Jenna Jameson in everyone."" I'm pretty sure she got that backwards.
4001f62746b35ee3	Even after 20 years, Jared Fogle is still getting into smaller and smaller jeans.
cfec7b90ae60f079	I have a degree in men's studies. It's called ""world history"". #TRUMP 2016! YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP!
e9ce42f693d5bef2	Why don't most fans like the first 39 episodes of DBZ? Its pretty gay, just Saiyan.
e748b03b7b149b06	My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is gettin better.
7049ca03007bc902	This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
991093e900ad5e27	What do you call a three-humped camel? Pregnant (Told to me by one of the kids at work)
830738dfcb6e6b7b	What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing, they're both stuck-up cunts.
e7bf8663f404962d	What do you call Jay-Z having a leg transplant? A hip-hop hip op.
7e5db1be35ed1cc8	What defies the law of gravity? Women. They heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
35ccabf6d557bbf7	Everything has to be related in a woman: if the mouth shuts, the legs open.
e0f8649a25a2e550	Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
9e8c89ce3b9792ee	""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"" ""A what?"" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. ""A bagel. I HATE carbs.""
34fdee9444df7161	What's the difference Donald Trump and my Vagina? One's a Cunt and the other has nice hair.
1d001ef6d57e15e8	My doctor had to put me on a new medication that's supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
9725e59355bdf252	[uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
c058e4c11e54eff1	Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley? A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

End of preview. Expand in Data Studio

jokes

A big pile of jokes I found as jokes.json on my drive.

I don't even know where I got all these from – but it was on my drive. Warning some jokes may not actually be very good jokes and some could be inappropriate.

Stats

700,161 unique jokes (exact-text deduped from 700,161 raw entries)
One joke per row in the text column

Load

from datasets import load_dataset
ds = load_dataset("hudsongouge/jokes", split="train")
print(ds[0]["text"])

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