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Q: Problemas al agregar un nuevo registro Hola de nuevo comunidad,
estoy aprendiendo entity framework y hago un ejercicio donde guardo un expediente con x documentos y ese documento tiene x imágenes.
Al querer insertar nuevos documentos a un expediente ya existente, tengo el siguiente error:
An unhandled exception of type 'System.ObjectDisposedException' occurred in EntityFramework.dll
Additional information: The ObjectContext instance has been disposed and can no longer be used for operations that require a connection.
Tengo un formulario en donde listo los expedientes, luego al seleccionar uno y dar clic a editar, paso el expediente seleccionado a una nueva ventana de detalle, así:
Detalles exp = new Detalles(bExpedientes[index]);
bExpedientes es una binding list que contiene todos los expedientes existentes, la lleno así:
public static List<Expediente> GetExpedientes()
{
Entities context = new Entities();
List<Expediente> exp = new List<Expediente>();
using (context)
{
try
{
exp = context.Expediente.ToList();
}
catch (Exception)
{
return null;
}
return exp;
}
}
Luego, en detalles, tengo un botón para agregar nuevos documentos así:
expediente.Documentos.Add(new Documento { NombreDocumento = txtNomDoc.Text, FechaCreacion = DateTime.Now, idExpediente = idExpediente })
donde expediente, es una instancia de la clase Expediente generada por EF.
ahí es donde entra el problema, al ejecutar esa linea tira la excepción antes mencionada. Tengo entendido que puede ser por el using que pongo al extraer los expedientes. Pero alguna idea de como solucionarlo?
Luego guardo todos esos documentos nuevos en una binding list llamada bDocumentos, así:
Doc = expediente.Documentos.ToList();
dgvDocumentos.AutoGenerateColumns = false;
bDocumentos = new BindingList<Documento>(Doc);
dgvDocumentos.DataSource = bDocumentos;
para luego al dar clic a un botón guardar, pasar las listas a una función que hará el guardado. Cuando inserto nuevos Expedientes con nuevos documentos y nuevas imágenes no tengo problemas. Pero al agregar nuevos documentos a un expediente existente si!
Lo que hace el botón guardar es lo siguiente:
General.GuardarDatos(bDocumentos, bArchivo);
Aquí, paso las listas. La de archivo por el momento no es relevante. El metodo GuardarDatos hace lo siguiente:
public static void GuardarDatos(Expediente expediente,BindingList<Documento> documentos, BindingList<Archivo> archivos)
{
Entities context = new Entities();
using (context)
{
foreach(var documento in documentos)
{
if(documento.idDocumento == 0)
{
context.Documento.Add(documento);
}
else
{
DocumentoNG.actualizarDocumento(documento);
}
foreach(var archivo in archivos)
{
if (documento.idDocumento == 0)
{
context.Archivo.Add(archivo);
}
else
{
ArchivoNG.actualizarArchivo(archivo);
}
}
}
context.SaveChanges();
}
}
Si quito el using, el error lo tira al ejecutar la linea actualizarDocumento sin embargo es otro es decir:
An unhandled exception of type 'System.InvalidOperationException' occurred in EntityFramework.dll
Additional information: An entity object cannot be referenced by multiple instances of IEntityChangeTracker.
y ese metodo lo que hace es lo siguiente:
public static void actualizarDocumento(Documento documento)
{
Entities context = new Entities();
using (context)
{
context.Documento.Attach(documento);
var registro = context.Entry(documento);
registro.Property(t => t.NombreDocumento).IsModified = true;
context.SaveChanges();
}
}
La entidad expediente es así:
public partial class Expediente
{
[System.Diagnostics.CodeAnalysis.SuppressMessage("Microsoft.Usage", "CA2214:DoNotCallOverridableMethodsInConstructors")]
public Expediente()
{
this.Documentos = new HashSet<Documento>();
}
public int idExpediente { get; set; }
public string NombreExpediente { get; set; }
public System.DateTime FechaCreacion { get; set; }
public string DuenioExpediente { get; set; }
public int CantidadDocumento { get; set; }
[System.Diagnostics.CodeAnalysis.SuppressMessage("Microsoft.Usage", "CA2227:CollectionPropertiesShouldBeReadOnly")]
public virtual ICollection<Documento> Documentos { get; set; }
}
La de documento es así:
public partial class Documento
{
[System.Diagnostics.CodeAnalysis.SuppressMessage("Microsoft.Usage", "CA2214:DoNotCallOverridableMethodsInConstructors")]
public Documento()
{
this.Archivo = new HashSet<Archivo>();
}
public int idDocumento { get; set; }
public int idExpediente { get; set; }
public string NombreDocumento { get; set; }
public System.DateTime FechaCreacion { get; set; }
[System.Diagnostics.CodeAnalysis.SuppressMessage("Microsoft.Usage", "CA2227:CollectionPropertiesShouldBeReadOnly")]
public virtual ICollection<Archivo> Archivo { get; set; }
public virtual Expediente Expediente { get; set; }
}
Gracias de ante mano.
A: Prueba lo así
public static void GuardarDatos(Expediente expediente,BindingList<Documento> documentos, BindingList<Archivo> archivos)
{
Entities context = new Entities();
using (context)
{
foreach(var documento in documentos)
{
if(documento.idDocumento == 0)
{
context.Documento.Add(documento);
context.SaveChanges();
}
else
{
DocumentoNG.actualizarDocumento(documento);
context.SaveChanges();
}
foreach(var archivo in archivos)
{
if (documento.idDocumento == 0)
{
context.Archivo.Add(archivo);
context.SaveChanges();
}
else
{
ArchivoNG.actualizarArchivo(archivo);
context.SaveChanges();
}
}
}
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
}
| 6,364
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Army Men: Air Attack 2 (Army Men: Air Attack - Blade's Revenge в Европе для версии на PlayStation 2 и Army Men: Air Combat - The Elite Missions для версии на GameCube) — шутер от третьего лица, разработанный и изданный The 3DO Company для PlayStation, PlayStation 2 и GameCube.
Сюжет
Пластро, гнусный генерал армии Тан, заручился помощью злодейского барона фон Беже, чтобы помочь ему установить ловушку для капитана Блэйда.
Объединив усилия с капитаном Уильямом Блэйдом, лидером эскадрильи Альфа-Волка, игра снова «поднимается на небо» с натиском новых миссий, улучшенных вертолетов и большим количеством оружия, чем когда-либо прежде. Присоединяйтесь к воздушной кавалерии, поскольку они сталкиваются с множеством вызывающих врагов в своих усилиях по пресечению планов злого генерала.
Боевой силы Пластро возглавляет пилот-ас Барон фон Беже. Поскольку игроки сражаются в 22 миссиях, они будут сталкиваться с такими декорациями, как японский сад, ночь Хэллоуина, дикий запад, клумба и задний двор. Среди вертолётов есть King Cobra, Chinook, Osprey и Apache, каждый из которых имеет свое уникальное оружие. Система пластиковой коллекции открывает секретные способности игрушек и скрытое оружие вертолёта. Ролики в режиме реального времени с закадровым голосом всегда держат игроков в действии. Идите голова к голове, или попробуйте совместные миссии в многопользовательском режиме Army Men: Air Attack 2. В этой игре было много кат-сцен.
Персонажи
В этой игре появились как новые пилоты, так и некоторые старые в новом виде. В этой игре каждый второй пилот имеет специальное вторичное оружие и может использоваться только с этим вторым пилотом, а не с первым, где имеется какое-либо дополнительное оружие. Следует отметить, что все со-пилоты представлены по-другому в этой игре, то есть «Вудсток» больше не является солдатом во Вьетнаме в 1960-х годах, он ямайский парень, «Hardcore» теперь больше похож на Hard-core, который теперь является панк-британцем. «Rawhide» полностью исчез. Также у всех вертолётов есть специальное оружие. В игре также вводится новый антагонист Барон фон Беже a.k.a. «Тан Барон», который также выступает в роли соперника Блейда. Он основан на «красном бароне» и летает на самолете, подобном ему, а также использует Цеппелины, как это делали немцы.
Отзывы
Игра была встречена с положительным и средними отзывами. GameRankings и Metacritic дали ему 73 % и 74 из 100 для версии на PlayStation, и 68 % и 75 из 100 для версии на PlayStation 2.
Примечания
Ссылки
Компьютерные игры 2000 года
Игры для GameCube
Многопользовательские и однопользовательские игры
Игры для PlayStation
Игры для PlayStation 2
Продолжения компьютерных игр
Компьютерные игры, разработанные The 3DO Company
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaWikipedia"
}
| 9,142
|
from __future__ import absolute_import
from __future__ import print_function
from .data_utils import get_file
import string
import random
import six.moves.cPickle
from six.moves import zip
def make_reuters_dataset(path='datasets/temp/reuters21578/', min_samples_per_topic=15):
import os
import re
from ..preprocessing.text import Tokenizer
wire_topics = []
topic_counts = {}
wire_bodies = []
for fname in os.listdir(path):
if 'sgm' in fname:
s = open(path + fname).read()
tag = '<TOPICS>'
while tag in s:
s = s[s.find(tag)+len(tag):]
topics = s[:s.find('</')]
if topics and not '</D><D>' in topics:
topic = topics.replace('<D>', '').replace('</D>', '')
wire_topics.append(topic)
topic_counts[topic] = topic_counts.get(topic, 0) + 1
else:
continue
bodytag = '<BODY>'
body = s[s.find(bodytag)+len(bodytag):]
body = body[:body.find('</')]
wire_bodies.append(body)
# only keep most common topics
items = list(topic_counts.items())
items.sort(key = lambda x: x[1])
kept_topics = set()
for x in items:
print(x[0] + ': ' + str(x[1]))
if x[1] >= min_samples_per_topic:
kept_topics.add(x[0])
print('-')
print('Kept topics:', len(kept_topics))
# filter wires with rare topics
kept_wires = []
labels = []
topic_indexes = {}
for t, b in zip(wire_topics, wire_bodies):
if t in kept_topics:
if t not in topic_indexes:
topic_index = len(topic_indexes)
topic_indexes[t] = topic_index
else:
topic_index = topic_indexes[t]
labels.append(topic_index)
kept_wires.append(b)
# vectorize wires
tokenizer = Tokenizer()
tokenizer.fit_on_texts(kept_wires)
X = tokenizer.texts_to_sequences(kept_wires)
print('Sanity check:')
for w in ["banana", "oil", "chocolate", "the", "dsft"]:
print('...index of', w, ':', tokenizer.word_index.get(w))
dataset = (X, labels)
print('-')
print('Saving...')
six.moves.cPickle.dump(dataset, open('datasets/data/reuters.pkl', 'w'))
six.moves.cPickle.dump(tokenizer.word_index, open('datasets/data/reuters_word_index.pkl', 'w'))
def load_data(path="reuters.pkl", nb_words=None, skip_top=0, maxlen=None, test_split=0.2, seed=113):
path = get_file(path, origin="https://s3.amazonaws.com/text-datasets/reuters.pkl")
f = open(path, 'rb')
X, labels = six.moves.cPickle.load(f)
f.close()
random.seed(seed)
random.shuffle(X)
random.seed(seed)
random.shuffle(labels)
if maxlen:
new_X = []
new_labels = []
for x, y in zip(X, labels):
if len(x) < maxlen:
new_X.append(x)
new_labels.append(y)
X = new_X
labels = new_labels
if not nb_words:
nb_words = max([max(x) for x in X])
X = [[0 if (w >= nb_words or w < skip_top) else w for w in x] for x in X]
X_train = X[:int(len(X)*(1-test_split))]
y_train = labels[:int(len(X)*(1-test_split))]
X_test = X[int(len(X)*(1-test_split)):]
y_test = labels[int(len(X)*(1-test_split)):]
return (X_train, y_train), (X_test, y_test)
def get_word_index(path="reuters_word_index.pkl"):
path = get_file(path, origin="https://s3.amazonaws.com/text-datasets/reuters_word_index.pkl")
f = open(path, 'rb')
return six.moves.cPickle.load(f)
if __name__ == "__main__":
make_reuters_dataset()
(X_train, y_train), (X_test, y_test) = load_data()
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 9,085
|
The Museo de Arte Contemporáneo de Monterrey (MARCO), Mexico, organized a retrospective exhibition of the master Mexican poet/painter, Juan Soriano entitled, Juan Soriano: el poeta pintor. The large exhibition includes paintings from 1934 to 1993 with a heavy emphasis on works from the 1950s, including an early self-portrait of the artist from 1937 and set and costume designs for the ballet, theater, and opera, as well as sculptural works from 1953 to 1999 mostly in bronze and clay.
Juan Soriano was born in 1920 in Guadalajara, Mexico. When he was only thirteen years old he started to paint in the studio "Evolución," under the direction of Francisco Rodríguez "Caracalla." One year later, at the age of fourteen, he participated in his first exhibition with a group of other students at the Museum of Guadalajara. At fifteen, he moved to Mexico City, where he came into contact with famous artists such as Diego Rivera, Frida Kahlo, José Clemente Orozco, Manuel and Lola Alvarez Bravo, David Alfaro Siqueiros, and María Izquierdo. He also associated himself with a group of artists called the "Contemporáneos," and started to give drawing classes at the Primary School of Art. A year later, he officially enrolled in the Night School of Art for Workers, and prepared for his first solo exhibition that year by contracting with the Inés Amor gallery. At the age of twenty-five, he participated in various group exhibitions in the United States, where he met other famous Mexicans such as Octavio Paz, Carlos Mérida, and Rufino Tamayo. He was also very involved with theater from a young age, when in 1940 he began work as a set designer for the group "Orientación." In 1956, he founded the theatrical group, "Poesía en voz alta" (Poetry in a High Voice), together with Octavio Paz, Leonora Carrington, and other intellectuals living in Mexico City.
The relation with the mother if it is not dramatic it is fictitious; by force it has to be traumatic since one is separated from her body in order to form another life.
Fathers are doubles: those that you see every day. With their defects, their barbarities, their unconsciousness, and those that have their life apart, distanced from yours. It is best to separate them, to see them from far away.
I painted everybody. To paint them was to know them and to know them was also to know myself, to discover the world in whick I wanted to belong.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 623
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San Jose, CA, September 1, 2015 – VirtualPBX announced today that it has once again been named by TMC as a recipient of the 2015 INTERNET TELEPHONY Excellence Award presented by INTERNET TELEPHONY magazine.
Based off of the exceptional scalability, service, and support cited by INKIRK Industries in offering a comprehensive growth strategy to churches and congregations across the United States, VirtualPBX has delivered a meaningful advantage to their business and won the praise of the industry experts, TMC and INTERNET TELEPHONY Magazine.
"Congratulation to VirtualPBX for being honored with an INTERNET TELEPHONY Excellence Award for innovation in IP communications. VirtualPBX routinely demonstrates outstanding quality and has delivered exceptional solutions for its customers," stated Rich Tehrani, CEO, TMC.
By investing time to interview and analyze INKIRK and learn both their business needs and assess their market landscape, VirtualPBX was able to partner the right products and services from their wide array of features to fit the budget that INKIRK was comfortable with.
The 2015 INTERNET TELEPHONY Excellence Award winners will be published in the October 2015 edition of INTERNET TELEPHONY magazine.
VirtualPBX was founded by the creators of the original Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP) software in San Francisco in 1997 and continues to develop its ever-growing suite of business telecommunications products and services by anticipating and addressing the needs of an ever-changing business landscape. Nestled in the cradle of Silicon Valley, VirtualPBX product offerings include hosted VoIP, disaster recovery, phone/fax/email integration and an increasingly rare USA-based free Customer Support team all, available directly from their offices in downtown San Jose.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 4,505
|
Trump says 'nobody gets hacked' but forgot his hotel chain was hacked — twice
Zack Whittaker @zackwhittaker / 2 years
According to President Trump speaking at a campaign event in Tucson, Arizona, on Monday, "nobody gets hacked." You don't need someone who covers security day in and day out to call bullshit on this one.
"Nobody gets hacked. To get hacked you need somebody with 197 IQ and he needs about 15 percent of your password," Trump said, referencing the recent suspension of C-SPAN political editor Steve Scully, who admitted falsely claiming his Twitter account was hacked this week after sending a tweet to former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci.
"Nobody gets hacked. To get hacked you need somebody with 197 IQ and he needs about 15 percent of your password."pic.twitter.com/6aR8yU2MVg
— Martin (@mshelton) October 19, 2020
There's a lot to unpack in those two-dozen words. But aside from the fact that not all hackers are male (and it's sexist to assume that), and glossing over the two entirely contrasting sentences, Trump also neglected to mention that his hotel chain was hacked twice — once over a year-long period between 2014 and 2015 and again between 2016 and 2017.
We know this because the Trump business was legally required to file notice with state regulators after each breach, which they did.
In both incidents, customers of Trump's hotels had their credit card data stolen. The second breach was blamed on a third-party booking system, called Sabre, which also exposed guest names, emails, phone numbers and more.
The disclosures didn't say how many people were affected. Suffice it to say, it wasn't "nobody."
A spokesperson for the Trump campaign did not return a request for comment.
It's easy to ignore what could be considered a throwaway line: To say that "nobody gets hacked" might seem harmless on the face of it, but to claim so is dangerous. It's as bad as saying something is "unhackable" or "hack-proof." Ask anyone who works in cybersecurity and they'll tell you that no person or company can ever make such assurances.
Absolute security doesn't exist. But for those who don't know any different, it's an excuse not to think about their own security. Yes, you should use a password manager. Absolutely turn on two-factor authentication whenever you can. Do the basics, because hackers don't need an IQ score of 197 to break into your accounts. All they need is for you to lower your guard.
If "nobody gets hacked" as Trump claims, it makes you wonder whatever happened to the 400-pound hacker the president mentioned during his first White House run.
Cybersecurity 101: Seven simple security guides for protecting your privacy
|
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| 4,707
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State of the Studios Address Week of August 6, 2018 at Disney's Hollywood Studios
August 6, 2018 HollywoodStudiosHQ State of The Studios Leave a comment
Guests utilizing charter bus transportation can now benefit with the opening of the initial phase of this new bus stop area. In addition to handling charter bus traffic, this first phase provides guests with park-to-park Disney transportation. The next phase of this bus stop area is still under construction. Upon completion, this second area will host all of the Park's bus arrival and departure activity. The entire bus stop area is near the Skyliner Station which is still under construction. By the way, for guests who like to use the walkway to and from EPCOT, the walking time to Hollywood Studios takes a few minutes longer. Foot traffic is now routed through the new bus stop area. Click the link below for full coverage.
New Guest Bus Area Opens at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
The Park's arrival and departure station for the future gondola cars has a roofing extension in the process of being added to the perimeter of the entire existing roof. Likewise, the framing for a large open cement slab next to the station is being completed. Viewers will want to remain tuned to this web site for additional weekly photos. Click the link below for full coverage.
Disney's Skyliner Update July 31, 2018 at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
Guests planning their home holiday decor early for the upcoming Christmas season should head over to It's A Wonderful Shop to view new Disney themed decorations. Located in a bending walkway leading to Mama Melrose fine dining, this quaint Christmas shop has new holiday themed arrivals. A classic Cinderella's Castle tree ornament is on display, along with a delightful Mickey kissing Minnie snow globe ornament ready for purchase. New arrivals also include a Mickey and Minnie Christmas Day count down desk decoration and a Mickey glass tree topper. Guest can also choose from a set of 3 ornaments that include separate Mickey and Minnie ornaments along with both characters embracing together in the third ornament. Holiday accessories include Mickey and Minnie kissing on their own Christmas pillow, in addition to these two characters decorating a holiday throw, guest can come home with a quaint Good tidings holiday cup for warm holiday cheer. Click the link below for full coverage.
New Holiday Merchandise Arrives at It's A Wonderful Shop at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
New features at Disney's Hollywood Studios include giant billboards behind the Chinese Theatre announcing the Christopher Robin motion picture with lovable Winnie the Pooh and friends, along with the release of A Wrinkle In Time movie on blu-ray. Children will enjoy the new Iron Fist light up bubble maker now on sale throughout the Park. Adults can select new print pajamas in their choice of either boxer shorts or pants that feature print images of Cinderella's Castle, Space Mountain, and Thunder Mountain train.
. Adults can select new print pajamas in their choice of either boxer shorts or pants that feature print images of Cinderella's Castle, Space Mountain, and Thunder Mountain train. Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
Giant billboards behind the Chinese Theatre announcing the Christopher Robin motion picture with lovable Winnie the Pooh and friends, along with the release of A Wrinkle In Time movie on blu-ray. Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
Children will enjoy the new Iron Fist light up bubble maker now on sale throughout the Park. Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
Guests exiting the Rock'n' Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith attraction will find new Star Wars themed women's clothing waiting in the Rock Around The Shop. Shoppers can select from a white stocking cap featuring two clashing lightsabers or black caps with a choice of either Darth Vader or Millennium Falcon images. Additional merchandise includes a women's retro pink and grey tee shirt favoring the Dark Side with a Darth Vader image. Those on the Light Side can select a jet black tee shirt with stunning Star Wars lettering. Tank top fashions include either a white top with two advancing AT-AT vehicles or a yellow tank style featuring the lovable Wicket the Ewok. Click the link below for full coverage.
New Women's Star Wars Apparel Lands In The Rock Around The Shop at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
Accelerated efforts by workers have completed the rock surface on numerous mountains and peaks at Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge. Fresh photos reveal that scaffolding has been removed in many locations with the completion of the authentic mountainous terrain surfaces. A stunning temple circular dome has been completed. Likewise, the first ship is now visible behind construction walls which is identical to the craft guests see when visiting Batuu in the Star Tours attractions. Click the link below for full coverage.
Huge Developments at Star Wars Galaxy's Edge at Disney's Hollywood Studios. Photo by John Capos
The force will be with you always!
John Capos
Click "here" for full coverage of new bus area.
Click "here" for full coverage of new holiday merchandise.
Click "here" for full coverage of new Star Wars merchandise.
Click "here" for full coverage of Disney's Skyliner construction.
Click "here" for full coverage of Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge construction.
BatuuConstructionDisney's Hollywood StudiosDisney's SkylinerMerchandiseParking LotStar Wars Galaxys EdgeStar Wars Landupdates
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| 2,453
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By Guy Cimbalo May 14, 2019 4 min read
Recorded human civilization is now somewhere around 5000 years old, give-or-take a few centuries. While that means it's increasingly difficult to create anything truly novel, it also means contemporary artists and designers have an impossibly deep well from which to borrow, remix, and mash-up. Of course, not all eras are created equal—nostalgia tends to be just as cyclical and trendy as anything else in modern culture. But here are three historic design movements that have more than earned their next moment in the sun.
We're celebrating the Bauhaus school's 100th birthday this year, so it's only fitting that the fine arts and design movement's tenets make a comeback. Founded by Walter Gropius in Weimar, Germany, the "Staatliches Bauhaus" was a short-lived school that sought to unify art, craft, and technology. The resulting Bauhaus aesthetic favors an emphasis on functionality, balance, and simple geometric shapes. Consider László Moholy-Nagy's Portfolio for Walter Gropius, or Gropius and Adolf Meyer's Fagus-Werk Factory.
Today, Bauhaus' reemerging popularity is seen largely in graphic design. Check out Netherlands-based design studio George&Harrison's brand identity for Eindhoven's Bunker Tower. As they explain, "The identity strikes a balance between raw and sophisticated, cultivating a monumental but classy aesthetic."
In celebration of Bauhaus' centenary year, 99designs asked graphic designers to imagine contemporary logos with a Bauhaus twist. Among our favorites, dnk's take on Instagram and Vladimir Nikolic's backdated Apple logo.
And the movement also lives on in typeface. Pier Francesco Martini's HAUS Sans captures the school's dedication to minimalism.
And Viktoryia Makouskaya's Abstract Alphabet typeface embraces Bauhaus abstraction.
For more on the legacy of Bauhaus, check out Curbed's interview with ten contemporary design leaders about the school's lasting impact. (And if you need a primer, you can find it here. We won't tell.)
We don't have to delve all that deeply into the past to locate another retro design trend staging a comeback: 8-bit graphics. Of course when the 8-bit aesthetic came to prominence in the 1980s, the design wasn't so much a question of choice but necessity—computer graphics simply weren't capable of much better. The classics of that era are likely immediately recognizable.
Think of contemporary 8-bit design as a haiku of sorts—the challenge is to create meaning, beauty, and memory within an intensely limited framework. The poor pixel resolution forces images to have a blocky quality, and the color palate is basic at best. In an RGB-color profile, 8-bit images allow for 256 tonal variations for each red, green, and blue; 16-bit images allow for 65,536 tonal variations in each. Despite those challenges, the look is showing up everywhere.
Check out Canadian designer Erin McGuire's design for a limited edition set of Space Invaders-themed Coca Cola cans.
And it's not impossible to embrace elegance with the pixelated 8-bit designs either. Loukas Chondros' mark for the Greek candy Ousyra does just that.
Hell, even Monocle is embracing our lo-fi heritage, as seen in this cover from February 2019.
Check out PBS' short doc The Evolution of 8-bit Art to learn more about the burgeoning movement.
Like Bauhaus, the art deco movement emerged in the wake of World War I, coming to signify a very modern expression of conspicuous consumption. Forgoing Art Nouveau's baroque aesthetic and soft curves for a more streamlined appearance, Art Deco favors bold geometric shapes, sharply diagonal typefaces, and a certain industrial fetishization, as seen in A.M. Cassandre's "Nord Express" poster and William Van Alen's Chrysler Building.
Today Art Deco's influences can be seen everywhere, from the crest for the Los Angeles Football Club…
…to Mother Design's identity for 30 Park Place.
10 Instagram Accounts You Need to Follow Right Now
10 Time-saving Photoshop Tricks You Aren't Using…Yet
Design Diaries
12 Designers and Illustrators Recall Their First Paying Freelance Jobs
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 3,518
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Pearls of Excellence: An Exploration of Haitian Contributions to American Society
The Embassy of Haiti in Washington, DC launches an ongoing exhibit and educational series to mark historical milestones of Haitians in American society entitled "Pearls of Excellence: An Exploration of Haitian Contributions to American Society" ———————————————————————– Starting this week, the Embassy is displaying on its walls…
Book of Condolences for Former President, René Garcia Préval
Dear Friends of the Embassy, For those who may wish to pay words of respect to the memory of Former President René Garcia Préval, the Embassy of the Republic of Haiti in Washington, DC would like to inform that a book of condolences will be…
With regrets, The Embassy of Haiti announces the passing of His Excellency René Garcia Préval, today, March 3, 2017. Former President of the Republic of Haiti (1996-2001 and 2006-2011) and Former Prime Minister (1991), Mr. Préval has served his country with honor and dignity. The…
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 5,406
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Q: Pandas Keyerror after groupby I want to filter a dataframe after having done a group by on it but am getting a keyerror, here is some example code:
df = pd.DataFrame([
[0, 1, 'm', 5.0], [0, 1, 'm', -7.0],[0, 1, 'm', 9.0],[0, 1, 'm', 32.0],[0, 1, 'm', -11.0],
[0, 6, 'm', -12.0], [0, 6, 'm', 15.0],[0, 6, 'm', -16.0],[0, 6, 'm', -3.0],[0, 6, 'm', 21.0],
[0, 12, 'm', 15.0], [0, 12, 'm', 51.0],[0, 12, 'm', 4.0],[0, 12, 'm', 3.0],[0, 12, 'm', 1.0],
[1, 1, 'm', 5.0], [1, 1, 'm', -7.0],[1, 1, 'm', 9.0],[1, 1, 'm', 32.0],[1, 1, 'm', -11.0],
[1, 6, 'm', -12.0], [1, 6, 'm', 15.0],[1, 6, 'm', -16.0],[1, 6, 'm', -3.0],[1, 6, 'm', 21.0],
[1, 12, 'm', 15.0], [1, 12, 'm', 51.0],[1, 12, 'm', 4.0],[1, 12, 'm', 3.0],[1, 12, 'm', 1.0]
],
columns=['id', 'timeperiod', 'timeperiodtype', 'value'])
df['good'] = df['value'].apply(lambda x: 1 if x>0 else 0)
print(df)
print(df[df['timeperiod']>6])
df = df[['id', 'timeperiod','timeperiodtype','good']][df['timeperiod']>0].groupby(['id','timeperiod','timeperiodtype']).mean()
print(df[df['timeperiod']>6])
I want to avoid using reset_index as in the final code I will have several dataframes of similar shape that I will be aggregating/merging/concatenating.
I am sure I must be missing something obvious.
How can I use the column names to filter the grouped dataframe?
Thanks.
A: Use DataFrame.loc for filter by condition and by columns names and then for avoid MultiIndex add DataFrame.reset_index or parameter as_index=False:
df = df.loc[df['timeperiod']>0, ['id', 'timeperiod','timeperiodtype','good']].groupby(['id','timeperiod','timeperiodtype']).mean().reset_index()
Or:
df = df.loc[df['timeperiod']>0, ['id', 'timeperiod','timeperiodtype','good']].groupby(['id','timeperiod','timeperiodtype'], as_index=False).mean()
print(df)
id timeperiod timeperiodtype good
0 0 1 m 0.6
1 0 6 m 0.4
2 0 12 m 1.0
3 1 1 m 0.6
4 1 6 m 0.4
5 1 12 m 1.0
print(df[df['timeperiod']>6])
id timeperiod timeperiodtype good
2 0 12 m 1.0
5 1 12 m 1.0
EDIT:
For filter in MuiltiIndex is possible use Index.get_level_values:
df = df.loc[df['timeperiod']>0, ['id', 'timeperiod','timeperiodtype','good']].groupby(['id','timeperiod','timeperiodtype']).mean()
print(df)
good
id timeperiod timeperiodtype
0 1 m 0.6
6 m 0.4
12 m 1.0
1 1 m 0.6
6 m 0.4
12 m 1.0
print(df[df.index.get_level_values('timeperiod')>6])
good
id timeperiod timeperiodtype
0 12 m 1.0
1 12 m 1.0
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
}
| 4,428
|
Hello fellow people I am back with a brand new book review. Its about Lights, Music, Code by Jo Whittemore from the Girls Code series by Penguin books. I would like to thank Penguin for providing me with this third book along with the new activity book Girls who Code: Crack the Code. Both of these books are now release for purchase. Lets begin with the summary and than my final thoughts.
Lights, Music, Code by Jo Whittemore is the third book in a coding series. This book is about Maya, who is an asian american, that lives with her mom and Stepdad. In this book Maya meets an old friend name Maddie who cause her problems before. Now Maddie has turn up at Maya school. She has told Maya that she has change. But the question now is will Maya stay with her true friends which is the group or will Maddie once again cause her problems.
As for the Activity Book: Girls who Code: Crack the code is filled with crosswords, connect the dots. It also contains code descriptions for coding on computers and scene creation for creating pictures. It really fun activity book for all who want to create.
Here is my creative blog video review on Youtube for this book, Melihbooktube. Once again thank you for allowing me to review these books Penguin.
As for my final thoughts, both of the books are amazing for kids. I read Lights, Music, Code by Jo Whittemore with my daughter and we both enjoyed it. We learn about making Mistakes and what you can do to change those mistakes. We learn how Maya overcame things and help people trust her again. It really is a beautiful story about coming to learn how to earn trust and forgiveness after making mistakes. The activity book is filled with fun crosswords, connect the dots and drawings scenes. I rated both books a four out of five, 7-12yrs olds will really enjoy it. I recommend these books for kids especially. Its such a great series who you really check it out. As always links to the author, books and my social media will be listed there.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 5,173
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\section{Introduction} \label{sec:intro}
The availability of data, hand and body models, and learning algorithms has fueled a growing interest in capturing, understanding, and simulating hand-object interactions \cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV, Glauser:Stretch-Glove:2019, hampali2020honnotate, sundaram2019learning, GRAB:2020, Freihand2019}. Recent algorithms can predict hand and object pose increasingly accurately from an image. However, inferred poses continue to exhibit sufficient error to cause unrealistic hand-object contact, making downstream tasks in simulation, virtual reality, and other applications challenging.
A key issue is that physical contact is sensitive to small changes in pose. For example, less than a millimeter change in the pose of a fingertip normal to the surface of an object can make the difference between the object being held or dropped on the floor. In addition to physical implausibility, lack of contact and other small-scale phenomena can reduce the perceptual realism of rendered poses.
In this paper we present ContactOpt, an algorithm that improves the quality of hand-object contact by refining hand pose. When given a hand mesh and an object mesh, ContactOpt infers where contact is likely to occur and then optimizes the hand pose to achieve this contact.
As shown in Figure 1, ContactOpt consists of two main components, DeepContact\xspace and DiffContact\xspace. DeepContact\xspace is a network that takes the hand and object meshes as input and estimates regions of likely contact. DiffContact\xspace is a differentiable function that takes the hand and object meshes as input and outputs contact based on current geometry. ContactOpt uses gradient-based optimization to find pose, translation, and rotation parameters for the MANO hand model \cite{romero2017embodied} that improve the match between current contact from DiffContact\xspace and target contact from DeepContact\xspace
Notably, ContactOpt takes into account soft tissue deformation in the hand. The inner surface of a human hand undergoes significant deformation when making contact with objects. For example, the finger pad can deform 2-3 mm, and the palm can deform 5 mm under normal grasping forces ~\cite{perez2013stiffness}. DiffContact\xspace permits up to 2 mm of interpenetration between the hand and object meshes without penalty. In addition, ContactOpt's gradient-based optimization uses a loss function that only penalizes penetration greater than this threshold. This allows for contact to occur across wide areas of the hand, rather than only at single points.
We conducted two types of evaluations to assess ContactOpt's performance. For the first type of evaluation, we evaluated ContactOpt's ability to refine hand pose estimates with \emph{small} inaccuracies in dataset annotations. This presents methodological challenges due to limits in the precision of dataset ground truth annotations. To overcome this, we used the ContactPose dataset, which has both pose estimates \textit{and} measured contact data obtained via thermal imagery. We had ContactOpt refine these hand pose estimates with respect to ground truth contact. The refined hand poses better matched ground truth contact and were preferred by human participants, demonstrating that ContactOpt can improve state-of-the-art pose estimates from existing datasets.
For the second type of evaluation, we evaluated ContactOpt's ability to refine hand pose estimates with \emph{large} inaccuracies.
We used ContactOpt to refine hand pose estimates from an existing RGB hand pose estimation network (Hasson et al. \cite{hasson2020leveraging}) applied to the HO-3D dataset \cite{hampali2020honnotate}. ContactOpt's refined hand poses had lower kinematic error, were preferred by human participants, and matched more closely to previously observed hand contact patterns (Figure \ref{fig:handContactFreq}). ContactOpt also outperformed RefineNet \cite{GRAB:2020} (an end-to-end grasp refinement network) with respect to both measures. This demonstrates ContactOpt's value as a post-processing stage for existing hand-object pose estimation algorithms for which it has not been specifically trained. Since ContactOpt operates on hand and object meshes, it has the potential to improve the output of recent image-based estimation methods
while avoiding some types of generalization issues associated with operating on images.
\vspace{3mm}
In summary, our contributions follow:
\begin{itemize}
\setlength\itemsep{0.1mm}
\item We show that methods that explicitly consider hand-object contact can improve hand pose estimates at both coarse ($\approx$cm) and fine ($\approx$mm) spatial scales, resulting in improved visual realism and lower kinematic error.
\item We present DeepContact\xspace, a deep network that estimates where contact is likely to occur across the surfaces of inaccurately aligned hand and object meshes.
\item We present DiffContact\xspace, a differentiable contact model that estimates where contact is occurring between hand and object meshes.
\item We present ContactOpt, an algorithm that performs gradient-based optimization to improve hand-object contact by refining hand pose.
\end{itemize}
\begin{figure}[t]
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=0.8\linewidth]{assets/ImContactFreq.pdf}
\end{center}
\vspace{-12pt}
\caption{Frequency of hand contact calculated with poses inferred with an image-based pose estimator \cite{hasson2020leveraging} (left) and after refinement with ContactOpt (right). Note the increase in contact on the finger pads and across the index finger.}
\label{fig:handContactFreq}
\end{figure}
\section{Related Work} \label{sec:related_work}
In this work, we use likely contact and a contact model to improve the pose of a hand grasping an object.
Applications in computer vision, animation, and robotics have driven interest in hand-object interaction tracking from different angles, e.g., recovering poses from input images or generating grasps based on object pose and geometry.
Information about contact is playing an increasingly important role for hand-object interaction tracking, grasp generation and multiple other related applications.
\paragraph{Datasets of hand-object contact.}
Recently, there has been a focus on collecting datasets that include interactions between hands and objects. FreiHand~\cite{Freihand2019}
uses multiple cameras to extract high-quality annotations using the MANO model, but does not include the object pose.
HO-3D~\cite{hampali2020honnotate} optimizes simultaneously for both hand and object poses from RGB-D sensors. FHAB~\cite{garcia2018first} leverages a unique magnetic tracking system to infer the pose of a hand and object even under occlusion. GRAB~\cite{GRAB:2020} uses professional optical motion capture to collect a dataset of people grasping and manipulating objects.
The work additionally infers contact from the proximity of hand and object. However, these estimates may be noisy due to the very high pose accuracy necessary to infer accurate contact.
Datasets for contact directly measured on objects~\cite{Brahmbhatt_2019_CVPR, lau2016tactile} and hands~\cite{sundaram2019learning} are complementary to datasets on hand-object poses.
The ContactPose dataset \cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV} is unique in capturing both ground truth thermal contact maps, as well as hand and object pose. The participants held a static grasp for each of 25 objects while being captured using multiple RGB-D cameras. The object was tracked using motion capture, and the hand pose was estimated by aggregating predictions across time from an RGB hand pose estimator. A thermal camera measured the body heat transferred from the participant's hand to the object, providing ground truth contact. The dataset shows that contact occurs across large sections of the hand, as opposed to only at the fingertips. A limitation of the method is that the 3D hand pose accuracy is bounded by the accuracy of the hand pose estimation, so there may be discrepancies between the contact map and the MANO hand mesh.
\paragraph{Image-based hand-object pose estimation.}
There is an extensive body of work on estimating the pose of the hand using a variety of input modalities, including: gloves with markers or sensors~\cite{Glauser:Stretch-Glove:2019, han2018online, wang2009real}, depth/RGB-D input~\cite{bhatnagar2020combining, EgoDexterDataset, DexterWithObjectDataset, Dexter1Dataset, MSRADataset, tagliasacchi2015robust, ICVLDataset, tkach2016sphere, NYUDataset, bigHand}, and RGB or monochrome images~\cite{affinityFields, doosti2020hope, ganeratedHandsDataset, spurr2020weakly, bigHand, Freihand2019},
with an increasing focus on hand-object interaction~\cite{ doosti2020hope, hamer2009tracking, hampali2020honnotate, hasson2020leveraging, hasson2019learning,karunratanakul2020grasping, oikonomidis2011full,panteleris20153d,romero2010hands,DexterWithObjectDataset, tekin2019ho}.
Researchers have long realized that inferring and enforcing contact is important for hand-object interaction tracking~\cite{romero2010hands, tzionas2016capturing}, and it remains a challenging task, particularly in the absence of depth data.
For RGB-D hand tracking, hand-object contact modeled as finger-tip to object distance was part of the energy function during optimization with Gaussian Mixture Models in~\cite{DexterWithObjectDataset}.
For image-based prediction, skeletal hand poses~\cite{doosti2020hope, tekin2019ho} or MANO~\cite{romero2017embodied} hand model parameters~\cite{hasson2020leveraging, hasson2019learning} are predicted jointly with object geometry or pose in an end-to-end manner.
Despite sharing a joint latent space, since the output representations for the hand and object are decoupled, there can be \textit{relative} errors in the poses, leading to unrealistic grasps.
Even though contact can be encouraged at training time, these networks have no method of \textbf{enforcing} alignment at test time.
Our work complements these existing methods by leveraging the strength of their joint hand-object pose prediction, but uses explicit contact inference and enforcement to achieve higher quality grasps.
\paragraph{Grasp synthesis.}
Robotic grasp generation shares many similarities to pose refinement. Generally, the robot attempts to find a stable grasp with high robustness to perturbations. Various input modalities have been explored for learned grasp detectors, including depth \cite{mahler2017dexnet, morrison2018closing} and RGB \cite{chu2018real, le2010learning, pinto2016supersizing, saxena2008robotic}. Some methods use physics simulation \cite{depierre2018jacquard, graspit} or analytical heuristics \cite{rosales2011global} to find stable grasps. The majority of robotic grasping work focuses on simple grippers with sparse contact points, however some research has investigated manipulation with anthropomorphic hands \cite{openai2020rl}.
Similarly, generating plausible grasps for a human hand has also been explored.
In GanHand~\cite{corona2020ganhand}, a dataset of affordances and grasps was proposed to generate plausible human grasps based on input images. The works that are most similar to ours are ContactGrasp~\cite{brahmbhatt2019contactgrasp} and GRAB~\cite{GRAB:2020}. In ContactGrasp~\cite{brahmbhatt2019contactgrasp}, dense ground truth contact maps from ContactDB are used to generate plausible grasps for a given object geometry. However, this requires pre-recorded contact maps, and because the ContactDB dataset lacks ground truth hand poses, they cannot compare against ground truth or condition on images as we do.
In GRAB~\cite{GRAB:2020} the authors leverage their collected data to generate compelling grasps for a variety of objects. They propose RefineNet, which improves the quality of a grasp given an initial pose. This has similarities to our approach, but it performs end-to-end pose updates rather than optimization, and considers fixed contact patterns as opposed to contact estimated separately for each grasp. The method does not explicitly consider object geometry, and because it is fully learned, may have less ability to generalize. We show comparisons against this approach when applied to image-based inference tasks in \secref{sec:experiments}.
\paragraph{Contact in human pose.}
Aside from hand-object interaction, contact is informative for full human body poses given human-environment interaction~\cite{clever2020bodies, narasimhaswamy2020detecting}.
Inferred contact constraints are used in~\cite{rempe2020contact} to improve body pose estimation from videos to mitigate artifacts such as feet sliding.
Coarse contact points are used in generating human poses interacting with scenes~\cite{holden2020learned, starke2020local, zhang2020generating}.
Our work leveraging fine-grain contact information to improve hand pose in hand-object interaction tracking is related to and likely applicable to context-aware full-body pose estimation and generation.
\section{Methods}
\newcommand{\ctop}[0]{\ensuremath{c_{\text{top}}}}
\newcommand{\cbot}[0]{\ensuremath{c_{\text{bot}}}}
\newcommand{\crad}[0]{\ensuremath{c_{\text{rad}}}}
\begin{figure*}
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{assets/Page4Visio.pdf}
\end{center}
\vspace{-8pt}
\caption{a) Example of multiple hand poses from Perturbed ContactPose, all generated from a single dataset sample. b) Top: DeepContact\xspace predicts contact maps for the hand and object as if they were aligned. Bottom: Ground truth poses and thermal contact. c) When a human finger contacts an object, point contacts are rare (i). More commonly, the soft tissue in the finger conforms to the surface (ii) resulting in a large area of contact. While the MANO mesh does not locally deform to match the surface, we can encourage the optimizer to create matching area-based contact by marking vertices as being in contact even when they are 2 mm inside the surface (iii).}
\label{fig:page4fig}
\end{figure*}
We represent the grasp with an object mesh $\mathbf{O}$ and a MANO \cite{romero2017embodied} hand mesh $\mathbf{H}$. $\mathbf{H}$ is described by parameters $\mathbf{P} = \left(\theta, \beta, {t}^H, {R}^H\right)$, consisting of pose, shape, translation, and rotation w.r.t. the object respectively. Pose $\theta$ is represented as a 15-dimensional PCA manifold, which lowers the high-dimensional joint angle representation to a compressed space of typical hand poses.
Given a noisy estimate of $\mathbf{P}$ (which typically comes from an image-based algorithm), we seek a better grasp by exploiting the hand-object contact information. Figure 1 shows an overview of our approach. In the following sections, we describe our learned contact map estimation module DeepContact\xspace (Section \ref{sec:contact_inference}) and our differentiable contact model DiffContact\xspace (Section \ref{sec:diff_contact_model}) that is iteratively updated according to the optimized hand pose to reproduce the estimated contact (Section \ref{sec:contact_optim}).
\subsection{DeepContact\xspace: Learning to Estimate Contact} \label{sec:contact_inference}
Given an object mesh $\mathbf{O}$ and and hand mesh $\mathbf{H}$ with potentially inaccurate pose $\mathbf{P}$, DeepContact\xspace{} learns to infer target contact on the hand $\hat{C}_H$ and object $\hat{C}_O$.
We represent the meshes $\mathbf{H}$ and $\mathbf{O}$ as point clouds, and use PointNet++ \cite{qi2017pointnet++} to predict contact. The object pointcloud contains 2048 points randomly sampled from the object. The hand point cloud contains all 778 vertices of the MANO mesh. We employ the ``mesh" features, training loss, and discrete contact representation of Brahmbhatt et al.~\cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV}. The ``mesh" features capture distances from the hand to the object, as well as normal information. Additionally, we include a binary per-point feature indicating whether the point belongs to the hand or the object. The network predicts contact as a classification task, where the range $[0, 1]$ is split into 10 bins. We train DeepContact with the standard binary cross-entropy loss.
Similarly to GrabNet \cite{GRAB:2020}, we train this module on a dataset of randomly perturbed hand poses from the ContactPose dataset, which we call \textbf{Perturbed ContactPose}. The hand mesh is modified by adding noise to the parameters $\Delta\theta \sim \mathcal{N}(0, 0.5)$, $\Delta {t}^H \sim \mathcal{N}(0, 5)$ cm, and $\Delta {R}^H \sim N(\ang{0}, \ang{15})$. Object contact is supervised with ground-truth thermal contact from ContactPose. To generate the target hand contact map, we run DiffContact\xspace (section \ref{sec:diff_contact_model}). By applying multiple perturbations to each grasp, a training/testing split of 22K / 1.4K grasps is generated.
Figure~\ref{fig:page4fig}a shows example perturbations, and Figure \ref{fig:page4fig}b shows an example contact prediction. Hand and object poses that are farther from a particular grasp tend to result in larger and more diffuse areas of predicted contact.
\begin{figure*}
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{assets/Page5Visio.pdf}
\end{center}
\vspace{-8pt}
\caption{a) Virtual capsules are placed on each vertex of the object, aligned with the vertex normal. If any hand vertices are inside the capsule, the object point is marked as being in full contact. b) Left: Hand and object from ContactPose dataset. Center: Ground truth thermal contact. Right: Contact estimated from DiffContact\xspace{}. c) Optimization of hand pose to match target contact. From left to right: hand pose at selected iterations during optimization.}
\label{fig:page5fig}
\end{figure*}
\subsection{DiffContact\xspace{}: Differentiable Contact Model} \label{sec:diff_contact_model}
DiffContact\xspace{} estimates the contact maps, $C_O(\mathbf{P})$ and $C_H(\mathbf{P})$, based on the current meshes $\mathbf{O}, \mathbf{H}(\mathbf{P})$. This is done in a differentiable way, allowing optimization of the hand parameters $\mathbf{P}$.
We propose a contact model using \textit{virtual capsules}, as shown in Figure~\ref{fig:page5fig}a. Our virtual capsules have useful attraction extended beyond the surface (which a binary proximity would not) and approximate soft hand tissue deformation.
More concretely, we place a virtual capsule at every object vertex $\mathbf{v}^O_i$ and orient it along the object surface normal $\mathbf{n}^O_i$. This capsule has a principal line segment defined by $\mathbf{v}^O_i + \alpha \mathbf{n}^O_i$, $\alpha \in [-\cbot, \ctop]$.
Let $\phi(\mathbf{x})$ be the Euclidean distance from a 3D point $\mathbf{x}$ to this line segment.
The contact is defined to be uniformly 1 for points such that $\phi(\mathbf{x}) < \crad{}$ and falls off proportionally with distance outside $\crad{}$ as $\frac{ \crad}{\phi(\mathbf{x})}$.
Let $\mathbf{v}_j^H(\mathbf{P})$ be the hand vertex at pose $\mathbf{P}$ with the smallest distance $\phi$ to the object vertex $\mathbf{v}_i^O$. The contact value at the object vertex $\mathbf{v}_i^O$ is expressed as:
\begin{equation}
C_O\left(\mathbf{v}^O_i; \mathbf{P}\right) = \min \left(\frac{ \crad}{\phi(\mathbf{v}^H_j(\mathbf{P}))}, 1\right).
\end{equation}
The same procedure can be used to calculate the contact map on the hand surface. We choose an asymmetric $\cbot > \ctop$ such that the region considered ``in contact'' extends farther inside the mesh than outside, which approximates soft hand tissue deformation as shown in Figure~\ref{fig:page4fig}c. In our experiments, $\ctop = 0.5$ mm, $\cbot = 1$ mm, and $\crad = 1$ mm. As the total capsule depth inside the object is $\cbot{} + \crad{} = 2$ mm, this conservatively matches the $2-3$ mm finger pad deformation found in the biomechanics literature~\cite{cabibihan2014illusory,contactMechanicsFingerPad}.
Figure~\ref{fig:page5fig}b shows an example of object contact computed with this model. Because the generated contact has a gradual dropoff, this provides gradients for optimization. Additionally, the resulting contact maps have diffuse edges, which appear visually similar to thermal contact maps \cite{Brahmbhatt_2019_CVPR, Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV}. The generated contact is an \textit{area} instead of a single point.
\subsection{Contact Optimization} \label{sec:contact_optim}
To align the meshes, the hand mesh parameters $\mathbf{P}$ are iteratively optimized (Figure \ref{fig:page5fig}c) to minimize the difference between the current contact maps $C_H(\mathbf{P})$, $C_O(\mathbf{P})$ computed using DiffContact\xspace{}, and the target contact maps $\hat{C}_H$, $\hat{C}_O$ as predicted by DeepContact, or from ground truth thermal contact.
The contact loss for the object surface is:
\begin{equation}
E_O(\mathbf{P}) =
\twopartdef{\lambda |C_O(\mathbf{P}) - \hat{C}_O|}
{\mbox{if } C_O(\mathbf{P}) < \hat{C_O}}
{|C_O(\mathbf{P}) - \hat{C}_O)|}{\text{otherwise}}
\end{equation}
Here we use $\lambda > 1$ to penalize ``missing'' contacts (where the target contact is higher than the value estimated by DiffContact\xspace) more heavily than ``unexpected'' contacts. This is based on the empirical observation that it is visually worse for the hand to ``hover'' over the object than to be slightly interpenetrating. We apply a corresponding loss $E_H(\mathbf{P})$ to penalize differences between the target hand contact map $\hat{C}_H$ and $C_H(\mathbf{P})$. We use $\lambda=3$ in both cases.
We also include an explicit penetration term that penalizes penetrations beyond $c_{pen}$. This discourages heavy intersection where vertices on the back of the hand register as in contact. For each object vertex $\mathbf{v}^O_i$, object surface normal $\mathbf{n}^O_i$, and nearest hand vertex $\mathbf{v}^H_j(\mathbf{P})$, the penetration loss is defined as
\begin{equation}
E_{pen}(\mathbf{P}) = \sum_{i} \text{max}\left(0, (\mathbf{v}^O_i-\mathbf{v}^H_j(\mathbf{P})) \cdot \mathbf{n}^O_i - c_{pen}\right)
\end{equation}
where $c_{pen} = 2$ mm. The final loss is
\begin{equation}
E(\mathbf{P}) = E_H(\mathbf{P}) + \lambda_O E_O(\mathbf{P}) + \lambda_{pen} E_{pen}(\mathbf{P})
\end{equation}
The loss is minimized by the ADAM optimizer \cite{adam} using gradients computed with PyTorch automatic differentiation~\cite{pytorch}. We use a learning rate of $0.01$ and optimize for 250 iterations. Optimizing a batch of 64 hand-object pairs takes 4 s (amortized runtime 62 ms). We scale the gradients for the different components of $\mathbf{P}$. See the supplementary material for more details.
\paragraph{Random restarts.} Since the contact optimization is local, a poor initialization (\textit{e}.\textit{g}. initial hand position on the wrong side of an object) can result in the optimizer settling into a bad local minimum. We avoid this by applying the pose optimization to several perturbations of the provided pose and select the result with the lowest loss.
\section{Evaluation} \label{sec:experiments}
We evaluate how well ContactOpt\xspace improves poses with small inaccuracies and with large inaccuracies using the ContactPose and HO-3D datasets. In each case, the refined hand mesh is evaluated using the following metrics.
\begin{itemize}
\item \textbf{Intersection Volume} (cm$^3$): Intersection volume of $\mathbf{H}$ and $\mathbf{O}$, calculated from their mesh intersection. Standard deviation across the dataset is also shown.
\item \textbf{Mean Per-Joint Position Error (MPJPE)} (mm): Average L2 per-joint kinematic error with respect to the ground truth hand~\cite{h36m_pami}.
\item \textbf{Contact Coverage} (\%): Percentage of hand points between -2 mm and +2 mm of the object surface (i.e., approximately in contact with the object).
\item \textbf{Contact Precision/Recall} (\%): Quantifies how well the contact from the refined hand mesh matches the thermal contact map. A binary object contact map is obtained by considering the object points within $\pm$2 mm of the hand surface to be in contact. Precision and recall are calculated by comparing this to the thermal contact map thresholded at 0.4, following \cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV}.
\item \textbf{Perceptual Evaluation} (\%): Nine evaluators who were unfamiliar with the research were recruited to judge the relative quality of grasps in two-alternative forced choice tests (2AFC). Each participant was shown two hand-object pairs and asked to judge ``Which looks more like the way a person would grasp the object?". In pilot studies, we found that non-experts had difficulty comparing grasps with small differences, so pairs with less than a 5 mm MPJPE difference were removed. For each method, the evaluators judged 75 pairs of grasps with an equal number randomly selected for each object. The mean and 95\% confidence intervals are shown. More details of this evaluation can be found in the supplementary material.
\end{itemize}
\begin{figure}
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{assets/bad_poses.pdf}
\end{center}
\caption{Examples of contact inaccuracy in dataset ground truth annotations: (a) ContactPose \cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV} (alignment offset), (b) HO-3D \cite{hampali2020honnotate} (hand self-penetration, hand-object gap), and (c) FHAB \cite{garcia2018first} (hand-object penetration).}
\label{fig:bad_poses}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure*}
\begin{minipage}[b]{0.36\textwidth}
\centering
\includegraphics[width=\linewidth]{assets/sdf_fine.pdf}
\caption{Distance of hand points to object surface, before and after refinement of ContactPose. Note that unrealistic deep interpenetrations (negative) have been mostly eliminated while the fraction of vertices near the surface of the object $[-2, 2]$ mm has increased.
\label{fig:sdf_fine}}
\end{minipage}
\hfill
\begin{minipage}[b]{0.61\textwidth}
\centering
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{assets/FineBeforeAfter.pdf}
\caption{Top: Original meshes from ContactPose with misalignment between hands and contact maps. Bottom: After refinement using ContactOpt\xspace{}. See \secref{sec:contactpose_results}.
\label{fig:fine_before_after}}
\end{minipage}
\end{figure*}
\newcommand{\textbf{\checkmark}}{\textbf{\checkmark}}
\newcommand{$\mathbf{\times}$}{$\mathbf{\times}$}
\begin{table*}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{c|c|c|c|c|c|c|c}
\multirow{2}{*}{\textbf{Dataset}} & \textbf{ContactOpt\xspace} & \textbf{Intersection} & \textbf{MPJPE} & \multicolumn{4}{c}{\textbf{Score (\%) $\uparrow$}}\\\cline{5-8}
& \textbf{Refinement} & \textbf{Volume} (cm$^3$) $\downarrow$ & (mm) $\downarrow$ & \textbf{Perceptual} & \textbf{Coverage} & \textbf{Precision} & \textbf{Recall}\\\hline
\multirow{2}{*}{ContactPose \cite{Brahmbhatt_2020_ECCV}} & $\mathbf{\times}$ & 2.45 $\pm$ 1.99 & - & 30.6 $\pm$ 3.8 & 6.9 & 64.6 & 34.0 \\\cline{2-8}
& \textbf{\checkmark} & 1.35 $\pm$ 0.90 & 8.06 & \textbf{69.4 $\pm$ 3.8} & 8.9 & \textbf{75.9} & \textbf{50.0}\\
\hline\hline
Perturbed & $\mathbf{\times}$ & 8.46 $\pm$ 16.49 & 79.89 & - & 2.3 & 9.9 & 11.5 \\\cline{2-8}
ContactPose & \textbf{\checkmark} & 12.83 $\pm$ 8.00 & 25.05 & - & 19.7 & \textbf{38.7} & \textbf{54.8} \\
\hline
\end{tabular}
\caption{Effect of ContactOpt refinement on the ContactPose ground-truth (top 2 rows) and Perturbed ContactPose dataset (bottom 2 rows). The precision and recall scores quantify (\secref{sec:experiments}) agreement with the measured contact map. ContactOpt\xspace improves both perceptual quality and contact agreement.}
\label{tab:contactpose_results}
\end{table*}
\subsection{Refining Small Inaccuracies}\label{sec:contactpose_results}
We use the ContactPose dataset to evaluate the ability of ContactOpt\xspace to improve poses with small inaccuracies. Recent hand-object interaction datasets use a variety of techniques to capture hand and object pose, such as magnetic trackers, multi-view reconstruction from RGB-D cameras, or motion capture systems. Despite using high quality sensors, errors on the centimeter-level are not uncommon (Figure \ref{fig:bad_poses}).
However, when considering the realism of grasps, \textit{millimeters matter}. Gaps between the hand and object result in unstable grasps and can be visually unsatisfying. Similarly, unrealistic penetration can violate basic assumptions of intact hands and objects. Notably, millimeters of Euclidean error can result in a physically implausible grasp.
ContactOpt\xspace can be used to resolve these types of errors when applied to already high-quality poses provided by dataset annotations.
\noindent\textbf{Refining ContactPose Dataset Poses}:
Millimeter-scale refinement is demonstrated by refining the ContactPose annotated hand meshes. Rather than estimating target contact using DeepContact\xspace, the ground truth thermal contact map is used. As ground truth hand contact is not available, hand contact is not used. Table \ref{tab:contactpose_results} and Figure \ref{fig:fine_before_after} show the results of this experiment.
Both contact recall and precision metrics increase, demonstrating that ContactOpt\xspace improves the self-consistency between ground truth contact and mesh poses. Both unwanted contact as well as excess contact are reduced (Figure \ref{fig:sdf_fine}).
However, it is difficult to quantify the holistic quality of a grasp. We perform a perceptual evaluation where human participants choose the most natural-looking grasp. Contact maps are not shown to the participants. As shown in Table \ref{tab:contactpose_results}, participants favored the refined grasps at over a 2:1 ratio. ContactOpt\xspace is able to consistently resolve cases of millimetric penetration or under-shoot and pull the fingers into realistic contact with the object, which is likely noticed by the participants.
This demonstrates that contact and accurate poses can be used together to achieve higher quality than is possible with pose alone.
\subsection{Refining Large Inaccuracies}
We evaluate the ability of ContactOpt\xspace to improve poses with large inaccuracies in two ways. First, we use perturbed poses from the ContactPose dataset. Second, we use poses estimated from images.
\subsubsection{Refining Perturbed ContactPose} \label{sec:perturbedRefine}
We test the full ContactOpt\xspace pipeline on Perturbed ContactPose (Section \ref{sec:contact_inference}), which contains poses with an MPJPE of $\sim$80 mm. This tests the ability to improve hand poses with large errors. Results are shown in Figure \ref{fig:perturb_before_after} and Table \ref{tab:contactpose_results}.
Despite being initialized from a heavily misaligned hand pose, the pipeline is still able to reduce kinematic error (MPJPE) by almost 70\% and improves perceptual grasp quality. Additionally, the refined meshes are more consistent with the ground truth contact maps, even though they are not provided to the algorithm.
However, some kinematic error remains. Qualitatively, this is because the objects have many valid grasp modes (\textit{i}.\textit{e}. grasping an apple in any rotation), and it is not possible to recover the correct one from the inaccurate initial pose. Although most refined meshes are visually high quality, often a slight translation results in a large kinematic error.
\subsubsection{Refining Image-Based Pose Estimates}
\begin{figure*}
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{assets/Page8BeforeAfter.pdf}
\end{center}
\caption{Application of ContactOpt to poses from Perturbed ContactPose and image-based pose estimates.
The leftmost column presents an example where the refined grasp is of higher perceptual quality, but as DeepContact\xspace estimated a different grasp mode, the grasp has high kinematic error. More examples are available in the supplementary material.}
\label{fig:refineHOnnotate}
\label{fig:perturb_before_after}
\end{figure*}
\begin{table*}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{c|c|c|c|c}
\multirow{2}{*}{\textbf{Method}} & \textbf{Intersection} & \textbf{MPJPE} & \multicolumn{2}{c}{\textbf{Score (\%) $\uparrow$}}\\\cline{4-5}
& \textbf{Volume} (cm$^3$) $\downarrow$ & (mm) $\downarrow$ & \textbf{Perceptual} & \textbf{Coverage}\\\hline
Image Pose Estimator~\cite{hasson2020leveraging} & 15.3 $\pm$ 21.1 & 57.7 & \textit{reference} & 4.4 \\\hline\hline
RefineNet (n=3)~\cite{GRAB:2020} & 13.8 $\pm$ 19.0 & 56.3 & 69.6 $\pm$ 3.5 & 5.3 \\\hline
RefineNet (n=10)~\cite{GRAB:2020} & 11.6 $\pm$ 18.5 & 64.1 & - & 3.9 \\\hline
ContactOpt (ours) & 6.0 $\pm$ 6.7 & \textbf{48.1} & \textbf{85.2 $\pm$ 2.7} & 14.7 \\\hline\hline
HO-3D Ground Truth~\cite{hampali2020honnotate} & 1.9 $\pm$ 2.8 & - & - & 2.5 \\\hline
\end{tabular}
\caption{Effect of RefineNet and ContactOpt\xspace algorithms on the hand pose predicted by Hasson et al.~\cite{hasson2020leveraging} on the HO-3D dataset. The perceptual studies compare refined poses against the original image-based estimates. The ContactOpt\xspace refinement achieves the lowest MPJPE and is favored by human evaluators.}
\label{tab:honnotate_results}
\end{table*}
We evaluate ContactOpt\xspace in refining the predictions from an image-based pose estimator.
In this task, 3D hand and object pose are often estimated using CNNs. For approaches that operate on single-frame RGB images, errors in the multiple-centimeter range are typical, leading to physically implausible grasps.
Note that in this setting, there are no image-based constraints placed on the optimization, thus allowing greater freedom of pose refinement.
We use the baseline pose estimation network from Hasson et al. (2020) \cite{hasson2020leveraging} and retrain it on a training split of the HO-3D dataset. As the network's object predictions are often unstable, the object class and pose are taken from ground truth. Additionally, poses where the ground truth is not in contact are filtered out. More details can be found in the supplementary material.
We demonstrate that DeepContact\xspace is able to generalize well to new datasets. Despite being trained on the Perturbed ContactPose dataset, it can still improve estimates on HO-3D, which has both different objects and features dynamic grasps. Generally, since hand and object geometry is mostly consistent across datasets, the domain gap is smaller than modalities such as RGB, where learned methods often must be completely retrained. We qualitatively find that DeepContact\xspace is able to transfer hand contact more reliably than object contact, as the hand representation (MANO) is consistent across datasets.
Results from this task are found in Table \ref{tab:honnotate_results}. Human evaluators favored the refined grasps over the initial grasp estimates by a ratio of almost 6:1. Additionally, the frequency of contact across the hand for the refined grasps (Figure \ref{fig:handContactFreq}) is similar to ground truth frequencies of contact, while the frequency of contact for originally inferred grasps does not resemble normal grasping patterns.
As the dataset contains shapes with many grasp modes (\textit{i}.\textit{e}. boxes may be grasped anywhere along the edge), DeepContact\xspace has difficulty predicting the correct grasp location from a low quality inferred grasp. Figure \ref{fig:refineHOnnotate} shows a refined grasp with high perceptual quality but a large MPJPE error metric. Despite this, ContactOpt\xspace is still able to lower the mean kinematic joint error by ~20\%.
\noindent\textbf{Comparing to Baseline Refinement}: We also compare ContactOpt\xspace to a baseline hand pose refinement method. RefineNet \cite{GRAB:2020} is an end-to-end model trained on the GRAB dataset to refine initial coarse grasp proposals. Given a hand and object mesh, the network predicts pose, rotation, and translation updates. As RefineNet is an iterative method, it is benchmarked with 3 iterations (following the paper) and 10 iterations.
\noindent\textbf{Ablating Random Restarts}: The effect of random restarts on kinematic error is shown in Table \ref{tab:restart}. Due to the non-convexity of the optimization objective, performing random initializations with perturbations to translation improves the performance of ContactOpt\xspace.
\begin{table}[h]
\centering
\begin{tabular}{ |c|c|c|c| }
\hline
$n_{restart}$ & 1 & 4 & 8 \\ \hline
\textbf{MPJPE} (mm) & 53.6 & 51.2 & 48.1 \\ \hline
\end{tabular}
\caption{MPJPE vs number of random restarts, tested on image-based pose estimates. Compare to Table \ref{tab:honnotate_results}}
\label{tab:restart}
\end{table}
\section{Conclusion}
We introduce ContactOpt\xspace, a method to refine coarsely aligned hand and object meshes. DeepContact\xspace estimates likely contact on both the hand and the object. DiffContact\xspace then estimates contact based on the current mesh pose. The error between these two estimates is used to optimize hand pose to achieve the target contact.
We show that ContactOpt\xspace is able to improve both dataset-quality meshes when ground truth thermal contact is provided, as well as pose estimations from images, even when tested on a novel object set. In our experiments, optimized grasps achieved lower kinematic error and were preferred by human evaluators.
\vspace{18pt}
\noindent\textbf{Acknowledgements}: \small We thank the anonymous reviewers for their comments to improve this work. We also thank Robert Wang, Yuting Ye, Shangchen Han, Beibei Liu, Chengde Wan, Jeff Petkau, and Henry Clever for their advice and discussions.
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
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May 1st is the International Labor Day,2015 May Day is coming soon.Most countries' people will celebrate this season,for we will have a long holiday soon.It is a good time to relax,because the holiday is at least three days,may some countries people will have long time to relax.We have many choices,because the weather is so good,not too cold or hot.We can going to travel near our city,or just in some city parks or shopping centers.For investors,setting up some new amusement family rides is a very good chance,for they may get their capital during this season.
Most parents will take children to play in different place,or some friends will go to play together.Now most places has set up some amusement equipment,the amusement family rides is a good plan for investors.It can afford more passengers at one time,to earn friendship and family love during playing.Like the family rides carousel,family rides flying chair,family rides samba balloon,is good for people play together.
Now people has more expects for playing amusement family rides,they don't satisfy just play the rides,they also want to control the amusement equipment when sitting on.Or they want children to learn more during playing.Recently we have the amusement family rides electric excavator and family rides happy car is quite popular and can meet these person's requires.They are not only bring joys and happiness to people,but also players can control it by themselves,increase hand activities.
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{"url":"https:\/\/learn.careers360.com\/ncert\/question-a-wooden-article-was-made-by-scooping-out-a-hemisphere-from-each-end-of-a-solid-cylinder-as-shown-in-fig-1311-if-the-height-of-the-cylinder-is-10-cm-and-its-base-is-of-radius-35-cm-find-the-total-surface-area-of-the-article\/","text":"# Q9.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0A wooden article was made by scooping out a hemisphere from each end of a solid cylinder, as shown in Fig. 13.11. If the height of the cylinder is 10 cm, and its base is of radius 3.5 cm, find the total surface area of the article.\n\nThe required surface area is given by\u00a0 :\n\nSurface area of article\u00a0 \u00a0=\u00a0 \u00a0Surface area of cylindrical part\u00a0 +\u00a0 2 (Surface area of hemisphere)\n\nNow, area of cylinder\u00a0 \u00a0$=\\ 2\\pi rh$\n\nor\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0$=\\ 2\\pi \\times 3.5\\times 10$\n\nor\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0$=\\ 70\\pi \\ cm^2$\n\nAnd the surface area of hemisphere :\u00a0\u00a0$=\\ 2\\pi r^2$\n\nor\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0$=\\ 2\\pi \\times 3.5\\times 3.5$\n\nor\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0$=\\ 24.5\\pi\\ cm^2$\n\nThus the required area\u00a0 \u00a0$=\\ 70\\pi\\ +\\ 2(24.5\\pi)\\ =\\ 374\\ cm^2$\n\n## Related Chapters\n\n### Preparation Products\n\n##### JEE Main Rank Booster 2021\n\nThis course will help student to be better prepared and study in the right direction for JEE Main..\n\n\u20b9 13999\/- \u20b9 9999\/-\n##### Rank Booster NEET 2021\n\nThis course will help student to be better prepared and study in the right direction for NEET..\n\n\u20b9 13999\/- \u20b9 9999\/-\n##### Knockout JEE Main April 2021 (Subscription)\n\nAn exhaustive E-learning program for the complete preparation of JEE Main..\n\n\u20b9 6999\/- \u20b9 5\/-\n##### Knockout NEET May 2021\n\nAn exhaustive E-learning program for the complete preparation of NEET..\n\n\u20b9 22999\/- \u20b9 14999\/-","date":"2020-09-19 09:49:18","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 7, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.9170721173286438, \"perplexity\": 14459.254605556574}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2020-40\/segments\/1600400191160.14\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20200919075646-20200919105646-00346.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Medelpads östra domsagas valkrets var i riksdagsvalen till andra kammaren 1881–1887 en egen valkrets med ett mandat. Valkretsen avskaffades vid valet 1890 då den delades upp i Sköns tingslags valkrets och Njurunda, Indals och Ljustorps tingslags valkrets.
Riksdagsmän
Petter Näsman, lmp (1882–1887)
Johan Carlsson, gamla lmp (1888–1890)
Källor
Tvåkammarriksdagen 1867–1970 (Almqvist & Wiksell International 1992), band 5, s. 190
Historiska valkretsar i Västernorrlands län
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FDA Approves Drug to Ease Withdrawal
TRENTON, N.J. (AP) -- Federal regulators on Wednesday approved the first nonopioid treatment to ease withdrawal from quitting addictive opioids.
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration expedited approval of Lucemyra to help combat the U.S. opioid epidemic. Two-thirds of drug overdose deaths in 2016 involved opioids, mostly fentanyl, heroin and prescription painkillers.
The pill was approved to treat adults for up to two weeks for common withdrawal symptoms like vomiting, diarrhea, muscle pain and agitation. It is not an addiction medicine but can be part of a longer-term treatment plan, according to the FDA.
People going through detox are usually given a safer opioid medicine like methadone, which eases the cravings without an intense high.
"The fear of experiencing withdrawal symptoms often prevents those suffering from opioid addiction from seeking help," FDA Commissioner Dr. Scott Gottlieb said in a statement.
In two studies of 866 adults, those given Lucemyra reported less severe withdrawal symptoms when they abruptly stopped taking opioids, compared to those who were given dummy pills.
Side effects included low blood pressure, dizziness, sleepiness, slow heart rate and, in a few people, fainting.
The FDA is requiring drugmaker US WorldMeds of Louisville, Kentucky, to conduct more studies in teens and newborns of opioid-addicted mothers and for possible longer-term use in people tapering off opioids.
Privately held US WorldMeds said it had not yet set a price for Lucemyra.
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Ambrós (né Miguel Ambrosio Zaragoza le à Albuixech et mort le ) est un auteur de bande dessinée espagnol connu pour avoir créé El Capitán Trueno (1956-60) et El Corsario de Hierro (1970-81) avec le scénariste Víctor Mora. Il s'est retiré de la bande dessinée en 1981.
Biographie
Prix
1986 : Prix Haxtur de l'« auteur que nous aimons », pour l'ensemble de sa carrière
Notes et références
Annexes
Bibliographie
.
Liens externes
Naissance dans la province de Valence
Naissance en août 1913
Décès en septembre 1992
Décès dans la province de Valence
Décès à 79 ans
Nom de plume
Auteur espagnol de bande dessinée
Lauréat du prix Haxtur de l'auteur que nous aimons
Mononyme
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{"url":"https:\/\/www.semanticscholar.org\/paper\/Arithmetic-properties-of-the-partition-function-Ahlgren-Boylan\/d5195c7bb58eb2c9623648fa442f567802aa85cd","text":"# Arithmetic properties of the partition function\n\n@article{Ahlgren2003ArithmeticPO,\ntitle={Arithmetic properties of the partition function},\nauthor={Scott Ahlgren and Matthew Boylan},\njournal={Inventiones mathematicae},\nyear={2003},\nvolume={153},\npages={487-502}\n}\n\u2022 Published 10 April 2003\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 Inventiones mathematicae\nLet p(n) denote the number of partitions of the positive integer n; p(n) is the number of representations of n as a non-increasing sequence of positive integers (by convention, we agree that p(0) = 1 and that p(n) = 0 if n < 0). The study of the arithmetic properties of p(n) has a long and rich history; see, for example, the works of Andrews, Atkin, Dyson, Garvan, Kim, Stanton, and Swinnerton-Dyer [An,An-G,At1,At-SwD,D,G-K-S]. These works have their origins in the groundbreaking observations of\u2026\n92 Citations\n\n### Computing the Residue Class of Partition Numbers\n\nIn 1919, Ramanujan initiated the study of congruence properties of the integer partition function p(n) by showing that p(5n+ 4) \u2261 0 (mod 5) and p(7n+ 5) \u2261 0 (mod 7) hold for all integers n. These\n\n### SUBBARAO \u2019 S CONJECTURE ON THE PARITY OF THE PARTITION FUNCTION\n\nLet p(n) denote the ordinary partition function. In 1966, Subbarao [18] conjectured that in every arithmetic progression r (mod t) there are infinitely many integers N (resp. M) \u2261 r (mod t) for which\n\n### Odd coefficients of weakly holomorphic modular forms\n\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 2008\n). We will consider the question ofestimating the number of integers n for which a(n) 6\u22610 (mod v).For a well-studied example, let p(n) be the ordinary partition function. Manyauthors have considered\n\n### Theta-type congruences for colored partitions\n\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 2022\n. We investigate congruence relations of the form p r ( (cid:96)mn + t ) \u2261 0 (mod (cid:96) ) for all n , where p r ( n ) is the number of r -colored partitions of n and m, (cid:96) are distinct\n\n### Partition values and central critical values of certain modular L-functions\n\nLet p(n) denote the number of partitions of a positive number n, let l \u2208 {5, 7, 11} and let \u03b4 l be the least non-negative residue ot 24 \u20151 modulo l. In this paper we prove congruences modulo l\n\n### Critical L-values of Level p Newforms (mod p)\n\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 2009\nSuppose that p\u2265 5 is prime, that \u2131(z) \u2208 S 2k (\u0393 0 (p)) is a newform, that v is a prime above p in the field generated by the coefficients of \u2131, and that D is a fundamental discriminant. We prove\n\n### Congruence relations for r-colored partitions\n\nLet l \u2265 5 be prime. For the partition function p(n) and 5 \u2264 l \u2264 31, Atkin found a number of examples of primes Q \u2265 5 such that there exist congruences of the form p(lQn + \u03b2) \u2261 0 (mod l). Recently,\n\nRecent developments in the study of spt($n), including congruence properties established by Andrews, Bringmann, Folsom, Garvan, Lovejoy and Ono et al., a constructive proof of the Andrews-Dyson-Rhoades conjecture, generalizations and variations of the spt-function, are summarized. ### Distribution of the coefficients of modular forms and the partition function AbstractLet \u2113 be an odd prime and j, s be positive integers. We study the distribution of the coefficients of integer and half-integral weight modular forms modulo an odd positive integer M. As an ### Ramanujan-type congruences for certain generating functions For nonnegative integers a, b, the function da,b(n) is defined in terms of the q-series$\\sum_{n=0}^\\infty d_{a,b}(n)q^n=\\prod_{n=1}^\\infty{(1-q^{ an})^b}\/{(1-q^n)}$. We establish some Ramanujan-type ## References SHOWING 1-10 OF 21 REFERENCES ### SOME PROPERTIES OF p(n) AND c(n) MODULO POWERS OF 13 \u2022 Mathematics \u2022 1967 j(^r) = E c(n)xn = (1 +240 0 u3(n)xn) \/xf24(x) 744, where 03(n) = d3. dln Then p(n) is just the number of unrestricted partitions of n, and c(n) is the Fourier coefficient of Klein's modular ### Proof of a conjecture of Ramanujan \u2022 A. Atkin \u2022 Mathematics Glasgow Mathematical Journal \u2022 1967 We write and so that p(n) is the number of unrestricted partitions of n. Ramanujan [1] conjectured in 1919 that if q = 5, 7, or 11, and 24m \u2261 1 (mod qn), then p(m) \u2261 0 (mod qn). He proved his ### PERIODICITY MODULO m AND DIVISIBILITY PROPERTIES OF THE PARTITION FUNCTION( has infinitely many solutions in non-negative integers n. This conjecture seems difficult and I have only scattered results. In ?2 of this paper it will be shown that the conjecture is true for m= 5 ### Dyson's crank of a partition \u2022 Mathematics \u2022 1988 holds. He was thus led to conjecture the existence of some other partition statistic (which he called the crank); this unknown statistic should provide a combinatorial interpretation of ^-p(lln + 6) ### Distribution of the partition function modulo$m\\$\n\nRamanujan (and others) proved that the partition function satisfies a number of striking congruences modulo powers of 5, 7 and 11. A number of further congruences were shown by the works of Atkin,\n\n### The theory of partitions\n\n1. The elementary theory of partitions 2. Infinite series generating functions 3. Restricted partitions and permutations 4. Compositions and Simon Newcomb's problem 5. The Hardy-Ramanujan-Rademacher\n\n### Ramanujan\u2019s Unpublished Manuscript on the Partition and Tau Functions with Proofs and Commentary\n\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 2001\nWhen Ramanujan died in 1920, he left behind an incomplete, unpublished manuscript in two parts on the partition function p(n) and, in contemporary terminology, Ramanujan\u2019s tau-function \u03c4(n). The\n\n### On \u2113-adic representations and congruences for coefficients of modular forms (II)\n\nThe work I shall describe in these lectures has two themes, a classical one going back to Ramanujan [8] and a modern one initiated by Serre [9] and Deligne [3]. To describe the classical theme, let\n\n### Cranks andt-cores\n\n\u2022 Mathematics\n\u2022 1990\nSummaryNew statistics on partitions (calledcranks) are defined which combinatorially prove Ramanujan's congruences for the partition function modulo 5, 7, 11, and 25. Explicit bijections are given","date":"2022-11-26 19:32:38","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 1, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8636634349822998, \"perplexity\": 1601.2255622705954}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 5, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2022-49\/segments\/1669446708046.99\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20221126180719-20221126210719-00512.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Business Commentary Bank of Canada buys itself some breathing room on interest rates
Bank of Canada buys itself some breathing room on interest rates
Steve Ambler and Jeremy Kronick
Contributed to The Globe and Mail
Published July 11, 2018 Updated July 11, 2018
Steve Ambler is the David Dodge Scholar in Monetary Policy at the C.D. Howe Institute, and professor of economics at the school of management, University of Quebec at Montreal. Jeremy Kronick is associate director, research, at the C.D. Howe Institute.
Markets were not surprised by today's Bank of Canada announcement to hike its overnight target rate by 25 basis points to 1.5 per cent. They had factored in a very high probability of an increase. And, consistent with a stated desire to improve its communications with both market participants and "the soccer dad," it was a speech and a press conference that set the stage.
Governor Stephen Poloz's speech on June 27 was an important factor in moving market expectations. By the end of the news conference that followed his speech, markets were confident of a hike. The theme of the speech was transparency and communications. By significantly shifting market expectations in the direction of a rate hike, the speech and news conference were remarkably successful in transmitting the Bank's intentions and a good example of transparency.
But what has changed from the last announcement to cause the governing council to raise rates? The answer is simple: The things we know look brighter, and this outweighs the concern we have over the potentially bad outcomes of the things we do not.
Positive economic news abounds. Output is currently at or above potential. Last Friday's employment data showed the Canadian economy adding almost 32,000 net jobs in June. This employment data complemented earlier labour-force-survey data that showed robust increases to average hourly earnings. Looking at global factors, the bank noted that the U.S. economy was "proving stronger than expected."
Also critical to the bank's decision were inflation data. Headline inflation is above the 2 percent target, with the Bank's three measures of core inflation very close to 2 percent. Finally, oil prices have been firming up as of late, which has a net positive effect on our terms of trade and our real national income.
Given the positive data, the bank had little choice but to start moving the overnight target rate toward the "neutral" rate of interest, the rate compatible with full capacity and an inflation rate at target – which the bank estimates to be approximately 3 per cent.
But the bank, of late, has often been forced to balance positive economic news against the big elephant in the room: trade uncertainty. The business outlook survey, for example, despite the positive business sentiment, was taken before the U.S. imposition of steel and aluminum tariffs, and the explicit threat of auto tariffs. It is likely that trade uncertainty will only continue, with Wednesday's announcement that the United States is preparing to hit China with tariffs on an extra US$200-billion worth of goods.
So the natural question is what happens if the current economic uncertainty is resolved on the down side? It is likely, then, that Canada's economy will suffer not only from tariffs on our goods and services and from our retaliatory tariffs, but also from trade wars between economic superpowers, such as the United States and China, that disrupt global supply chains. However, with rate hikes now, the bank buys itself some breathing room if it needs it. In other words, the bank always has the option of reversing the upward march of its policy rate. And markets may, in fact, be expecting this, given a recent flattening of the yield curve.
A flattening or inverted yield curve (with long-term yields lower than short-term yields) has in the past been a predictor of trouble. Inverted yield curves have often preceded recessions in Canada, in the U.S., and elsewhere. Longer-term yields reflect both expectations of future short rates and risk. The lowering of longer-term yields in Canada may reflect market expectations that U.S. President Donald Trump will follow through with his economics-defying trade threats. If that's the case, the extra breathing room the Bank just gave itself will help.
For now, the bank has decided to give more weight to what we know rather than what we do not. It has communicated this message effectively to markets. We now wait for the next move on the all-important trade front.
Royal Bank raises prime rate to 3.7 per cent following BoC rate hike
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BoC boosts benchmark rate to nearly nine-year high of 1.5%, says trade hit likely to be bigger than earlier forecast Subscriber content
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 3,540
|
\section{Introduction}
Wolf-Rayet (WR) stars are a small group of stars with high luminosity and surface temperatures that can reach 90 000 K. They have strong and broad emission lines of ionized helium, carbon, oxygen, and nitrogen but few absorption lines. Based on the presence of
prominent emission lines from nitrogen or carbon, WR stars are divided into the nitrogen (WN), carbon (WC), and oxygen (WO)
sequence with subclasses defined by the ratios of characteristic
emission lines. While some WN stars have considerable amounts
of hydrogen, all WC and WO stars do not display any measurable
amount of hydrogen in their spectra. High-ionization WC4-6 subtypes are defined as early-type WC stars, and low-ionization WC7-9 subtypes are late-type WC stars. The broad emission lines are produced in optically thick stellar winds with very high speeds of up to 3000 $\rm km s^{-1}$, which means the star is continuously and rapidly losing mass.
WR stars are stripped stellar cores and are produced by strong stellar winds or binary mass transfer. WC stars are a WR subtype with strong carbon spectral line features. Helium burning products are present on these objects, which is a characteristic of evolved massive stars.
In particular, a challenging problem for the evolution of massive stars is the existence of low-luminosity WC stars in the region $4.6 <\log T_{\rm eff}< 5.1$ with $4.9 <\log L/L_{\odot} \leq 5.4$ (Sander et al. 2012; Yoon 2017a). Different origins has been proposed in the literature to explain the existence of low-luminosity (and thus low-mass) WC stars. From a theoretical point of view, we can summarize these origins as follows:
-The red supergiant (RSG) scenario: The mass loss by the typical prescription used during the
RSG wind formalism proposed by de Jager et al. (1988) may be underestimated. This formalism predicts the real
RSG wind-loss rates within no better than a factor of between five and ten. As shown by Meynet et al. (2015), the increase in the mass-loss rate should be more than ten times higher during RSG phase with respect to the standard one. These authors found that enhanced mass-loss rates during the RSG phase have little impact on the Wolf-Reyet populations. The low-luminosity WC stars cannot be reproduced by current rotating single-star models, which merely give rise to high-luminosity WC stars with luminosities exceeding $\rm 10^{5.4} L_{\odot}$ (Meynet \& Maeder 2005; Georgy et al. 2012).
-The massive star scenario: Stars with masses above $25 M_{\odot}$ show greater mass loss. Meynet et al. (1994) showed that low-luminosity WC stars with $\log L/L_{\odot}$ down to 4.5 might be produced from progenitors of 120 $M_{\odot}$ at solar metallicity by using stronger mass-loss rates. However, the high mass-loss rates adopted by Meynet et al. (1994) might no longer be supported by the more recent mass-loss determinations for O-type and WR stars that account for the effect of clumping (Vink et al. 2001; Nugis \& Lamers 2000). It may be the case that the mass-loss prescriptions used underestimate the true time-averaged mass-loss rate due to the fact that they ignore mass-loss episodes of short duration. Very massive stars could lose large amounts of mass in very short periods during strong outbursts at the stage of luminous blue variable (LBV; Smith \& Owocki 2006). LBVs might help to remove the necessary amount of mass as they occur over relative wide range of luminosities (Humphreys et al. 2016; Smith et al. 2019). However, the LBV mass-loss rate is not yet well understood and we are not in a position to resolve this problem.
-The close-binary scenario: The low-mass WC stars are produced by close binary systems through Roche lobe overflow (RLOF). Close binary stars are important in understanding the formation, evolution and death of massive stars.Vanbeveren and Conti (1980) considered the Galactic census of WR binaries, concluding that the real Galactic WR+OB frequency is no more than $30\%-40\%$, a percentage that still holds today. The investigation of binaries in the population of O-type and WR-type stars began in early sixties (Dalton and Sarazin 1995; Vanbeveren 1995; Vanbeveren et al. 1997). Vanbeveren et al. (1998a, b) found that more than $70 \%$ (resp. $60 \%$)of O stars (resp. early B-type stars) are born with a companion star. These authors investigated the O-type binary frequency needed to meet the WR+O-type binary frequency in the solar neighborhood. Eldridge et al. (2008) found that the minimum initial mass for stars to become WC stars is lowered from about 27 solar masses in the single-star scenario to 15 solar masses in the close-binary scenario. This gives a milder appreciation of the relative importance of the different effects for forming WR stars.
Because of its significant incidence, binarity has to be taken into account when deriving properties from massive star populations (de Mink er al. 2014). It is undeniable that understanding binarity and its effects could help to explain the different observed characteristics in massive star populations which remain poorly understood from studies of the single-star scenario.
Binarity may help to explain the formation of WR stars in situations where the single-star scenarios have difficulty in this respect. Stellar winds are weaker at low metallicity than those at solar metallicity. Moreover, star with lower initial masses cannot lose enough hydrogen envelope to uncover their central cores in the absence of mass transfer via RLOF.
Due to interactions in close binary systems, the internal structures of the
stars, including the sizes of their cores, can be significantly affected,
with subsequent effects on the characteristics of the ensuing supernova
progenitors and explosions (Yoon et al. 2010; Eldridge et al. 2013; Podsiadlowski et al. 2004; Podsiadlowski 2014). In some systems, interaction can lead to the merger of the binary components, which could be the origin of rapid rotating massive stars (de Mink er al. 2013).
The effects of the optically thick winds are currently not accounted for in evolutionary models such as those presented here. As for the results from the evolutionary track, there is a great discrepancy in the temperature $\rm T_{\ast}$ between observations and evolutionary models.
However, this effect is well known: the radius $\rm R_{2/3}$ where the optical depth $\rm \tau=\frac{2}{3}$ is reached is much larger than the radius of the star without accounting for the optical thickness of the wind. Thus, the observed $\rm T_{eff}$ is lower than those of the model calculations (Schaller et al. 1992; Meyent \& Maeder 2003; Hamann et al. 2006; Crowther 2007). The observed late-type WC stars with low luminosity are found to have much larger radii and lower surface temperatures than those predicted by theoretical models .
The distance has an impact on the absolute quantities derived from spectral analysis, such as luminosity and mass-loss rate.
However, most distances to the WR stars in the Galactic system were not well constrained before Gaia. This is because these stars are too far to have a reliable HIPPARCOS parallax; the unobscured sources in particular are often relatively isolated. Recently, trigonometric parallax became available for the first time from the Gaia satellite (Hamann et al. 2019; Sander et al. 2012). On average, the new distances are smaller by only $10\%$ than the values adopted in previous work (Hamann et al. 2006). Based on Gaia DR2, Sander et al. (2019) re-examined a previously studied WC star sample to derive key properties of the Galactic WC population.
The newly obtained luminosities are found in the range of $\log L/L_{\odot}=4.9-6.0$ with one outlier (WR 119) having $\log L/L_{\odot}=4.7$. For example, WR 59 underwent the most drastic luminosity revision with $\rm \log L/L_{\odot} = 5.76$, a shift by $\rm +0.86$ dex. These new results provide convenient conditions with which to study the evolution of WC stars.
In this paper, we intend to explore whether the close binary evolution scenario succeeds in producing low-luminosity WC stars.
Specifically, we explore the consequences of close binary scenario on the evolution of the strong mass loss induced by mass transfer in RLOF events occurring at various evolutionary stages, and analyze the potential impact of such close binary evolution on the populations of supergiants and WR stars. Finally, we discuss the evolutionary properties of the progenitor of low-luminosity WC stars originating from such evolutionary histories.
In Section 2, we describe the various parameters in the models.
In Section 3, the results of numerical calculations on the evolution of single stars and binary systems are analyzed in detail.
In Section 4, we provide the necessary discussion of the validity of the formation of these WC stars in the binary system. Finally, we provide conclusions and a summary in Section 5. The effect of accretion efficiency on the evolution of the binary system is investigated in the Appendix.
\section{The initial parameters and model descriptions}
\begin{table}
\scriptsize{
\caption{The parameters adopted in our calculations. The meaning of each column is as follows$^{*}$. }
\begin{center}
\begin{threeparttable}
\setlength{\tabcolsep}{1mm}
\begin{tabular}{lrrrrrrrrrr}
\hline\hline
Models & $M_{\rm 1,ini}$& $M_{\rm 2,ini}$ &
$V_{\rm 1,ini}$ & $V_{\rm 2,ini}$ & $P_{\rm orb,ini}$& $\rm \beta$ & The wind formalism & \\\hline
& $M_{\odot}$& $M_{\odot}$ &
km/s & km/s & days &
& &\\
\hline
S1 &30 &.. &0 &.. &.. &..&Dutch &\\
S2 &30 &.. &300 &.. &.. &..& Dutch &\\
S3 &20 &.. &300 &.. &.. &..& Dutch &\\
S4 &40 &.. &300 &.. &.. &..& Dutch &\\
S5 &35 &.. &300 &.. &.. &..& Dutch&\\
S6 &30 &.. &300 &.. &.. &..&Van and Pot& \\
B1 &30 &27 &300 &300 &6.00 & 0.4&Dutch&\\
B2 &30 &27 &300 &300 &20.0 &0.4 &Dutch&\\
B3 &30 &27 &300 &300 &1000.0 & 0.4 &Dutch&\\
B4 &20 &16 &300 &300 &1000.0 & 0.4 &Dutch&\\
B5 &30 &27 &300 &300 &500.0 &0.4 &Dutch&\\
B6 &30 &27 &300 &300 &1000.0 &0.8&Dutch&\\
B7 &30 &27 &300 &300 &1000.0 &0.2 &Dutch&\\
B8 &30 &27 &300 &300 &1000.0 &0.0 &Dutch&\\
B9 &30 &27 &300 &300 &6.00 & 0.0&Dutch&\\
B10 &30 &27 &300 &300 &6.00 & 0.8&Dutch&\\
\hline\hline
\end{tabular}
\begin{tablenotes}
\footnotesize
\item[*]
The symbol S denotes single stars whereas the symbol B denotes the evolution of the binary system.
$M_{\rm 1,\rm ini}$: the initial mass of the primary star in unit of $M_{\odot}$; $M_{\rm 2,\rm ini}$:
the initial mass of the secondary star in units of $M_{\odot}$; $\rm V_{\rm 1,\rm ini}$: the initial equatorial
velocity of the primary star in units of $Km/s$; $V_{\rm 2, \rm ini}$: the initial equatorial velocity of the
secondary star in unit of $\rm km/s$; $P_{\rm orb,\rm ini}$: the initial orbital period; Dutch: the wind mass-loss formalism by Dutch scheme; Van and Pot: the wind mass-loss formalism is same as Dutch scheme except for
the RSG wind formalism proposed by Vanbeveren \& Mennekens (2015) and the WR wind formalism which derived by Potsdam group.
\end{tablenotes}
\end{threeparttable}
\end{center}
}
\end{table}
\begin{table*}[h]
\begin{center}
\scriptsize{
\caption{Major evolutionary parameters for five models including single stars and the primary star in binaries. }
\begin{threeparttable}
\begin{tabular}{llrclllllllllllllcll}
& & & & & & & & & &\\
\hline\hline Sequence&Age, & $M_1$ & $\rm \log(\frac{R}{R_{\odot}})$ &$\log T_{\rm eff}$& $\log (\frac{L}{L_{\odot}})$&$\log T_{\rm c}$& $\log \rho_{\rm c}$& $\rm \frac{N}{N_{\rm ini}}$ & $V_{\rm eq}$\\\hline
&Myr&$M_{\odot}$& & K& &K&$\rm g/cm^{3}$&&km/s \\
\hline
ZAMS&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&0.000&30.000&0.870&4.596&5.077&7.562&0.496&1.00&0.00\\
S2&0.000&30.000&0.882&4.583&5.048&7.557&0.485&1.00&300.00\\
B1&0.000&30.000&0.872&4.590&5.057&7.571&0.528&1.00&300.00\\
B2&0.000&30.000&0.872&4.590&5.057&7.571&0.528&1.00&300.00\\
B3&0.000&30.000&0.872&4.590&5.057&7.571&0.528&1.00&300.00\\
\hline
ECHB&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.368&26.917&1.640&4.305&5.454&7.780&1.074&1.00&0.00\\
S2&6.724&25.998&1.638&4.310&5.467&7.781&1.071&5.22&4.52\\
B1&6.638&17.967&1.321&4.450&5.395&7.778&1.104&11.75&107.40\\
B2&6.840&25.759&1.644&4.309&5.476&7.783&1.072&6.04&74.17\\
B3&6.955&25.809&1.562&4.352&5.486&7.782&1.065&6.95&4.78\\
\hline
ECHEB&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.877&14.105&0.145&5.115&5.703&8.943&4.976&12.58&0.00\\
S2&7.244&13.705&-0.166&5.264&5.676&8.944&4.990&18.49&248.04\\
B1&7.179&8.944&-0.418&5.329&5.434&8.937&5.082&0.00&1.83\\
B2&7.349&10.340&-0.409&5.350&5.537&8.939&5.017&0.00&0.73\\
B3&7.473&12.975&-0.309&5.332&5.662&8.933&4.922&11.89&180.77\\
\hline
ECCB&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.877&14.104&0.131&5.122&5.705&9.077&5.731&12.58&0.00\\
S2&7.244&13.705&-0.184&5.274&5.681&9.080&5.779&18.48&235.27\\
B1&7.179&8.944&-0.419&5.330&5.435&9.002&5.618&0.00&1.79\\
B2&7.349&10.340&-0.423&5.359&5.542&9.014&5.558&0.00&0.73\\
B3&7.473&12.974&-0.361&5.361&5.675&9.031&5.451&11.89&187.83\\
\hline
BROLF1&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&5.971&27.933&1.349&4.435&5.391&7.641&0.643&3.64&160.23\\
B2&6.848&25.702&1.721&4.275&5.494&8.100&2.108&6.041&47.85\\
B3&6.967&25.724&2.826&3.725&5.504&8.232&2.537&7.00&0.70\\
\hline
EROLF1&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.386&18.427&1.345&4.426&5.345&7.664&0.766&10.21&115.43\\
B2&6.856&16.588&1.780&4.278&5.626&8.253&2.590&12.53&22.76\\
B3&6.977&19.869&2.863&3.735&5.619&8.275&2.659&8.64&0.70\\
\hline
BROLF2&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.453&18.393&1.366&4.418&5.356&7.672&0.789&11.43&121.25\\
\hline
EROLF2&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.614&17.983&1.368&4.424&5.383&7.725&0.944&11.73&118.71\\
\hline
BROLF3&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.646&17.924&1.392&4.429&5.452&8.069&2.044&11.75&29.82\\
\hline
EROLF3&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.663&14.283&1.420&4.459&5.631&8.275&2.691&12.60&66.40\\
& & & & & & & & & &\\
%
\hline\hline
\end{tabular}
\begin{tablenotes}
\footnotesize
\item[]Abbreviations: ZAMS-zero age main sequence; TAMS-the terminal of core hydrogen burning; ECHEB-the end of core helium burning; ECCB-the end of core carbon burning. BROLF1-the beginning of the first episode of RLOF, EROLF1-the end of the first episode of RLOF, BROLF2-the beginning of the second episode of RLOF, EROLF2-the end of the second episode of RLOF, BROLF3-the beginning of the third episode of RLOF, EROLF3-the end of the third episode of RLOF.
\end{tablenotes}
\end{threeparttable}
\label{tablemod}
}
\end{center}
\end{table*}
\begin{table*}[h]
\begin{center}
\scriptsize{
\caption{Surface chemical abundances for $\rm ^{1}H$, $\rm ^{4}He$, $\rm ^{12}C$, $\rm ^{14}N$, $\rm ^{16}O$ and $\rm ^{22}Ne$ in mass fraction, and three abundance ratios (in number) $\rm \frac{^{22}Ne}{^{20}Ne}$, $\rm \frac{^{14}N}{^{12}C}$, and $\rm \frac{^{14}N}{^{16}O}$ for single stars and the primary star in the binary system at selected evolutionary points. Other abbreviations are the same as table 2.}
\begin{tabular}{llllllllllllccccccccccccccc}
& & & & & & & & & &\\
\hline\hline Sequence & $t$(Myr), & $ X_{\rm ^{1}H}$, & $Y_{\rm ^{4}He}$, & $\rm \log (^{12}C)$, & $\rm \log (^{14}N)$, & $\rm \log (^{16}O)$, & $ \rm \log (^{22}Ne)$, & $ \rm \log ( \frac{^{22}Ne}{^{20}Ne})$, &
$\rm \log ( \frac{^{14}N}{^{12}C})$, & $\rm \log (\frac{^{14}N}{^{16}O})$ \\
\hline
& & & & & & & & & &\\
ZAMS&&&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&0.000&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-4.039&-1.134&-0.597&-0.91\\
S2&0.000&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-4.039&-1.134&-0.597&-0.91\\
B1&0.000&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-4.039&-1.134&-0.597&-0.91\\
B2&0.000&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-4.039&-1.134&-0.597&-0.91\\
B3&0.000&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-4.039&-1.134&-0.597&-0.91\\
\hline
ECHB&&&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.368&0.725&0.261&-2.623&-3.153&-2.185&-3.960&-1.134&0.253&-0.91\\
S2&6.724&0.702&0.284&-2.951&-2.436&-2.319&-4.276&-1.449&2.806&-0.06\\
B1&6.638&0.575&0.411&-4.022&-2.083&-3.016&-6.209&-3.301&1.872&0.99\\
B2&6.840&0.692&0.294&-3.003&-2.372&-2.365&-4.421&-1.515&0.564&0.05\\
B3&6.955&0.675&0.311&-3.062&-2.311&-2.424&-4.494&-1.588&0.684&0.17\\
\hline
ECHEB&&&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.877&0.183&0.804&-4.002&-2.053&-3.539&-7.080&-4.241&76.114&1.54\\
S2&7.244&0.000&0.972&-2.222&-1.886&-2.524&-3.396&-0.551&1.859&0.69\\
B1&7.179&0.000&0.347&-0.297&-17.917&-0.886&-1.868&1.042&-17.688&-16.97\\
B2&7.349&0.000&0.263&-0.285&-17.676&-0.700&-1.872&1.006&-17.459&-16.92\\
B3&7.473&0.000&0.960&-1.699&-2.078&-2.219&-3.119&-0.196&-0.446&0.20\\
\hline
ECCB&&&&&&&&&&&\\
S1&6.877&0.182&0.804&-4.002&-2.053&-3.539&-7.080&-4.242&76.111&1.54\\
S2&7.244&0.000&0.972&-2.220&-1.886&-2.523&-3.395&-0.550&1.849&0.69\\
B1&7.179&0.000&0.347&-0.297&-17.917&-0.886&-1.868&1.042&-17.687&-16.97\\
B2&7.349&0.000&0.263&-0.285&-17.676&-0.699&-1.872&1.006&-17.458&-16.92\\
B3&7.473&0.000&0.960&-1.699&-2.078&-2.219&-3.119&-0.196&-0.446&0.20\\
\hline
BROLF1&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&5.971&0.713&0.273&-2.809&-2.592&-2.258&-4.223&-1.318&0.150&-0.28\\
B2&6.848&0.692&0.294&-3.003&-2.372&-2.365&-4.421&-1.515&0.564&0.05\\
B3&6.967&0.675&0.311&-3.067&-2.308&-2.427&-4.499&-1.592&0.691&0.18\\
\hline
EROLF1&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.386&0.621&0.366&-3.616&-2.144&-2.705&-5.067&-2.160&1.405&0.62\\
B2&6.856&0.342&0.645&-3.961&-2.055&-3.499&-6.709&-3.796&1.839&1.50\\
B3&6.977&0.594&0.392&-3.205&-2.217&-2.563&-4.659&-1.751&0.921&0.41\\
\hline
BROLF2&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.453&0.593&0.394&-3.941&-2.095&-2.926&-5.774&-2.866&1.780&0.89\\
\hline
EROLF2&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.614&0.577&0.410&-4.020&-2.084&-3.011&-6.187&-3.279&1.869&0.99\\
\hline
BROLF3&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.646&0.575&0.412&-4.023&-2.083&-3.018&-6.216&-3.308&1.873&0.99\\
\hline
EROLF3&&&&&&&&&&&\\
B1&6.663&0.233&0.753&-3.975&-2.053&-3.585&-6.522&-3.607&1.855&1.59\\
\hline\hline
& & & & & & & & & &\\
%
\end{tabular}
\label{tablemod}
}
\end{center}
\end{table*}
The models presented in this investigation are calculated
with the MESA code (Paxton et al. 2011, 2013, 2015, 2018).
We use the Schwarzschild criterion to determine the boundaries
of the convective region. The mixing
length is $l_{\rm m}=1.5 H_{\rm P}$, where $H_{\rm P}$ is the pressure scale height at the outer boundary of the core. We consider convective core-overshooting adopting,
an overshooting parameter of 0.335 pressure scale heights following Brott et al. (2011). This value was
calibrated by adopting observational constraints of Large Magellan Cloud stars with masses of about $15 M_{\odot}$, making it a more appropriate choice in contrast to
smaller values derived from intermediate-mass eclipsing
binaries (Stancliffe et al. 2015).
Our initial models consist of one or two zero-age main sequence (ZAMS) stars of Population I ($X_{\rm H}=0.72, Z=0.014$).
The quantity $\beta$ is the faction of the mass transfer rejected by the accretor and $\rm \beta=0.0$ denotes the conservative case (where all the transferred mass via RLOF is obtained by the gainer).
The efficiency of mass transfer is chosen as $1-\beta=0.6$ in the referenced model. The remaining transferred mass which carries the
specific orbital angular momentum of the mass gainer is directly expelled from the system. The matter that is transferred to the secondary carries a significant amount of angular momentum, especially if it passes through an accretion disk. This can bring the secondary to break-up rotation after accreting only about 10$\%$ of its original mass (Packet 1981). The secondary then has to get rid of some or most of its angular momentum before further accretion can take place. This angular momentum catastrophe therefore potentially limits the amount of accretion. This process necessarily leads to nonconservative mass transfer, and a small mass-transfer efficiency. Although Vanbeveren (1991) proposed that the accretion efficiency depends on the mass ratio of the system, a value of 0.5 has been commonly adopted so far, regardless of the physical mechanism behind the mass loss or the properties of the binary system (De Loore \& De Greve 1992; Vanbeveren et al. 1998a, b c). Also, we adopt an interesting variant of Jeans's mode in this paper which is isotropic re-emission. The transferred matter in the vicinity of the accretor is ejected as a fast, isotropic wind (Soberman et al. 1997). Mass shedding of accreted material from the equator of the accreting star leads to the assumption that the remainder of the mass is lost from the system taking away the specific orbital angular momentum of the accreting star. This process is similar to what is believed to be the cause of the Be phenomenon when the rotation rate is close to the critical limit (e.g., Owocki 2006).
The effect of accretion efficiency in two cases of mass transfer (Case A and Case C) is investigated in the Appendix.
We use the Dutch scheme in MESA for
both hot and cool wind mass-loss rates, with the Dutch scaling
factor of 1.0 \footnote{The Dutch wind mass-loss scheme is a combination of the prescriptions
of Vink et al. (2001) (when $\rm T_{eff} \geq 10^{4} $ K and $\rm X_{surf} \geq
0.4$ ), Nugis \& Lamers (2000) (when $\rm T_{eff} \geq 10^{4} $ K and $\rm X_{surf} <
0.4$ ), and de Jager et al. (1988) (when $\rm T_{eff} < 10^{4} $ K)}. Radiative opacities were interpolated from the OPAL tables (Iglesias \&
Rogers 1996). The opacity increase due to Fe-group elements at $\rm T \sim 180 $ kK plays an
important role in determining the envelope structure in our stellar models.
The Potsdam group reconsidered the mass-loss rates of Galactic WN, WC, and WO stars and the impact of revised distances from Gaia DR2 (Hamann et al. 2019; Sander et al. 2019). In order to investigate the effect of stellar winds on the evolution of WC stars, we also included both the RSG wind formalism proposed by Vanbeveren \& Mennekens (2015) and the WR mass-loss rate formalism derived by Potsdam group in the single-star model S6.
We take into account various instabilities induced
by rotation that result in mixing: Eddington-Sweet circulation,
dynamical and secular shear instability, and the Goldreich-Schubert-Fricke
instability.
The rotational mixing due to these hydrodynamical
instabilities is treated as a diffusive process,
following Heger et al. (2000). The diffusion coefficients are used for the transport of both
the angular momentum and
the chemical species.
The contribution of the rotationally
induced instabilities to the total diffusion coefficient is
reduced by a factor of $\rm f_{c}=0.0228$. This factor has been
calibrated to reproduce the observed nitrogen surface abundances as a function of the projected rotational velocities for
stars in the Large Magellanic Cloud sample (NGC 2004) of the
FLAMES survey (Brott et al. 2011). The inhibiting effect
of chemical gradients on the efficiency of rotational mixing processes
is regulated by the parameter $\rm f_{\mu}$.
We adopt a value $\rm f_{\mu}=0.1$ as in Yoon et al. (2006) who calibrated this
parameter to match the observed surface helium abundances.
The initial parameters for single stars and the binary system are listed in Table 1. The binary orbit is assumed to be circular and the Roche lobe radius is given by the formula proposed in Eggleton (1983).
We chose three initial orbital periods corresponding to cases where the first mass-transfer event occurs during the MS phase (6.0 days, Case A) after core H exhaustion but before the He ignition in the core (20 days, Case B), during the core He-burning (1000 days, Case C).
\section{Results of numerical calculations}
We present nonrotating and rotating single-star models to compare them with binary star models. We focus our investigation on the evolution of the primary star and explore whether binary evolution via Case A, Case B, or Case C mass transfer could give rise to diverse WR stars in terms of the amount of removed hydrogen or helium envelope. In all models, we calculate the evolution until at least the end of central carbon burning. The evolutionary track of the primary in the close binary system composed of a 30 $M_{\odot}$ star and a 27 $M_{\odot}$ star is shown for cases where the initial orbital period is equal to 6.0, 20 and 100 days.
We adopt the definitions of various kinds of stars according to the relationship between spectral type and surface abundance from Smith \& Maeder (1991) and Meynet \& Maeder (2003), as follows:
-O stars have a surface hydrogen mass fraction $\rm X_{H} > 0.3$ and $\rm \log (T_{\rm eff}/K) > 4.5$;
-B stars have typically $\rm 4.0 <\log (T_{\rm eff}/K)<4.5 $;
-Red supergiant stars (RSGs) have $\rm \log (T_{\rm eff}/K) < 3.66$;
-Blue supergiant stars (BSGs) have $\rm \log (T_{\rm eff}/K) \geq 3.9$ and include O, B, and A stars;
-WR stars have $\rm \log( T_{eff}/K) > 4.0$ and $\rm X_{H} < 0.3$;
-WNL stars are WR stars with $\rm X_{H} > 10^{-5}$;
-WNE stars have $\rm X_{H }< 10^{-5}$ and a surface carbon abundance $\rm X_{C}$ lower than 0.1 times the surface nitrogen abundance $\rm X_{N}$;
-WC stars have $\rm X_{H } < 10^{-5}$ and $\rm \frac{X_{C}}{X_{N}}> 1.0$, and surface abundances (by number) such as $\rm \frac{C+O}{He}< 1.0$;
-WO stars have $\rm X_{H } < 10^{-5}$ and $\rm \frac{X_{C}}{X_{N}}> 1.0$, and $\rm \frac{C+O}{He}>1.0$.
The properties of single stars and the primary star in binaries, such as evolutionary age, actual mass, radius, effective temperature of the surface of the star, luminosity, central temperature and central density, ratio of the surface nitrogen to the initial value, and equatorial velocity, are presented in Table 2.
Surface chemical abundances for single stars and the primary star in binaries, such as evolutionary age, the logarithm of mass fraction of chemical elements such as $\rm ^{1}H$, $\rm ^{4}He$, $\rm \log (^{12}C)$, $\rm \log (^{14}N)$, $\rm \log (^{16}O)$, $\rm \log (^{22}Ne)$, and the logarithm of three abundance ratios (in number) $\rm \log (\frac{^{22}Ne}{^{20}Ne})$, $\rm \log (\frac{^{14}N}{^{12}C})$, and $\rm \log (\frac{^{14}N}{^{16}O})$ are indicated in Table 3.
\begin{figure}
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig1.pdf}\\
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig2.pdf}\\\
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig3.pdf}\\
\caption{Hertzsprung-Russell diagram of the observed Galactic WC and WO stars with updated luminosities due to Gaia distances. The samples are taken from Sander et al. (2019).
Hertzsprung-Russell diagram with the evolutionary track of the massive models with the different types/phases marked in colours (Before WR stars: black; WNL:
red; WNE: pink; WC: green; WO: cyan). The range for the observed late WC stars with low luminosity is marked by a box. Panel (a): single star models. Panel (b): single star model S6; Panel (c): rotating binary models.}
\label{Fig:parallax}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig4.pdf}\\
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig5.pdf}\\
\caption{Convective core and stellar mass for nonrotating and rotating single stars and the primary star in rotating binaries vary as a function of evolutionary age.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig6.pdf}\\
\caption{Rotation profiles as a function of the Lagrangian mass at various stages of MS evolution (labeled by the central hydrogen content $X_{c}$) of three models. The dotted lines indicate a rotating 30 $M_{\odot}$ single star S2. Dashed and solid lines indicate the primary star in B2 with initial $\rm P_{orb}=20.0$ days and the primary star in B1 with initial $\rm P_{orb}=6.0 $, respectively.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig7.pdf}\\
\caption{Mass-transfer rate due to RLOF as a function of time for three binaries B1, B2, and B3. }
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.5\textwidth]{fig8.pdf}\\
\caption{Helium cores for nonrotating and rotating single stars and the primary star in rotating binaries vary as a function of evolutionary age.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure*}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.35\textwidth]{fig9.pdf}
\includegraphics[width=0.35\textwidth]{fig10.pdf}
\includegraphics[width=0.35\textwidth]{fig11.pdf}
\includegraphics[width=0.35\textwidth]{fig12.pdf}
\caption{Panel S1(a): Evolution of the surface abundances in mass fraction as a function of the actual mass of the star for the nonrotating single star S1 with 30 $M_{\odot}$. Different evolutionary phases are indicated in the upper part of the figure. Panel S1(b): Evolution of abundance ratios in number as a function of the actual mass of the star S1. Panels S2(a) and S2(b): Same as Panels S1(a) and S1(b) but for the rotating model S2. Panels B1(a) and B1(b): Same as the Panels S1(a) and S1(b) but for the primary star in model B1 with initial $\rm P_{orb}=6.0$ days. Panels B3(a) and B3(b): Same as the Panels S1(a) and S1(b) for the primary star in model B3 with initial $\rm P_{orb}=1000.0$ days.}
\end{figure*}
\subsection{Evolution on the Hertzsprung-Russel diagram}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
The WC stage is shown as a green line while the WO stage is indicated as a cyan line in Fig. 1. Various symbols are used to label the beginning and end of the core burning phase: hexagons correspond to the end of the main sequence (MS); pentagrams and tetragonals correspond to the start of hydrogen-shell burning and the end of the core helium burning phase, and triangles and crosses denote the start and end of carbon burning, respectively. The start and end of the mass-transfer phases are marked with numbers; 1- the beginning of the first episode of RLOF, $\rm 1^{'}$ (or 1e): the end of the first episode of RLOF, 2- the beginning of the second episode of RLOF, $\rm 2^{'}$: the end of the second episode of RLOF, 3- the beginning of the third episode of RLOF, $\rm 3^{'}$: the end of the third episode of RLOF.
Panel (a) of Fig. 1 shows the evolution of the single-star models in the Hertzsprung-Russel (HR) diagram. The massive star may lose a large fraction of its initial mass during core hydrogen burning. As hydrogen fuel is exhausted, outward pressure in the core drops, and gravity compresses the star.
Rising heat in the contracting core creates pressure that causes outer layers to expand. The remaining hydrogen burns faster in the shell around the core and generates extra energy, disrupting hydrostatic equilibrium and causing the outer region to expand and cool. This is the mirror effect. During this post-main sequence phase, the outer layers of the star expand to many times their original size on a thermal timescale while the central core contracts. The star shifts from a blue supergiant to a red supergiant with a low temperature. The transition from a blue supergiant to a red supergiant is mainly determined by the combined effects of the hydrogen-rich envelope and hydrogen shell-burning source. High-efficiency hydrogen-shell burning boosts the envelope to expand rapidly. Podsiadlowski
et al. (1992) presented results showing that an important factor in determining the time of transition to
the red giant phase is the fractional core mass $\rm \xi_{c}= m_{c}/M$,
where $m_{c}$ is the mass of the hydrogen-exhausted core and $M$ is
the total mass of the star. A reduction in envelope
mass through stellar winds and a
consequent increase in $\rm \xi_{c}$ favors redward motion in the HR
diagram (Maeder 1984).
The hydrogen-burning shell moves outward in the envelope. If the hydrogen-rich envelope is thick enough, the star can maintain a red supergiant structure. When
the mass of the hydrogen-rich envelope falls below a certain threshold value due to stellar wind, the star turns into a blue supergiant configuration again. After that, the star turns into a WR object.
The low-mass star S3 goes through a red supergiant stage
without entering the WR regime. The star ignites central helium as a B-type star at the end of the main sequence (MS) and moves blueward on a nuclear timescale.
The 20 M$_\odot$ model reaches $\rm \log (T_{\rm eff}/K )\sim 3.6$ at the red supergiant stage; subsequently, because of the
strong wind mass loss, it evolves back to the blue part of the HR diagram. The star eventually reaches the blue supergiant phase when the central carbon abundance is exhausted.
van Loon et al. (2005) discovered that the mass-loss rate for stars covered with dust during the red supergiant stage is significantly higher than those of visually bright stars. High mass-loss rates can result in stars evolving back from the red supergiant stage to the blue side of the HR diagram instead of exploding as a type II-P supernova. However, Meynet et al. (2015) revealed that models computed with a strong mass loss during the red supergiant phase are still far from becoming WR stars. Higher mass-loss rates during the red supergiant stage simply reduce the time that the star spends as a red supergiant, but do not increase the total amount of mass lost during this stage considerably. The 20 M$_\odot$ model star is predicted to explode before all surface hydrogen is removed by stellar winds, and does not attain the hydrogen-free WNE or WC stages.
In the single-star evolutionary models for masses above $\sim$ 25-30 M$_\odot$, the mass-loss due to strong stellar winds during the MS stage (plus additional mass loss during an LBV stage) strip off the H-rich outer layers, revealing the H-burning products $\rm ^{4}He$ and $\rm ^{14}N$. Such a star is identified as a WN-type WR star. The nonrotating 30 M$_\odot$ star attains the stage of WNL at the age of 6.684 Myr while the corresponding rotating model S2 reaches the stage of WNL at an age of 7.135 Myr. This indicates that the larger age is simply because rotation increases the duration of the main sequence. Rotating models can attain the WR stage earlier in accordance with the mass fraction of He in the core. For example, the model S2 can attain the stage of WC at an age of 7.244 Myr while the nonrotating model S1 does not attain the stage of WC at the end of evolution. These results indicate that $\rm ^{12}C$ and $\rm ^{16}O$, which are produced by the helium burning shell, can be exposed early on by rotational mixing.
Therefore, rotation decreases the minimum mass that is required to attain the WC stage.
The model S4 with a mass of 40 $M_{\odot}$ can completely lose its hydrogen, becoming a WC and finally a WO star. The two observed WO stars nicely agree with the evolution of the rotating
tracks in model S5 with a mass of 35 $M_{\odot}$. Our results indicate that WO stars have evolved
from early-type WC stars with similar surface abundances during their bluewards evolution.
These stars are core-helium burning or post core-helium burning and represent a final stage in massive
star evolution. They
will explode as type-Ic supernovae within a
few thousand years. These WO stars originate from
single rotating stars with initial masses of greater than about $30 M_{\odot}$.
Single-star models with rotation and an initial mass of 30 $M_{\odot}$ produce WC stars with luminoisties of at least $10^{5.62} L_{\odot}$.
The low mass limit for producing a WC star with luminosities above $10^{5.4} L_{\odot}$ from single stars with $\rm v_{ini}=300 km/s$ is about 25 $M_{\odot}$ at solar metallicity (Limongi \& Chieffi 2018).
The single-star evolutionary models with masses above $\sim$ 25 M$_\odot$ would produce WC stars with luminosities above $10^{5.4} L_{\odot}$, which is above the values observed for many WC stars.
However, the enhanced mass-loss rates (compared to the de Jager rates) during RSG and WR stages proposed by Vanbeveren \& Mennekens (2015) and the Potsdam group can cause the star to approach the observational range of low-luminosity WC stars in model S6 (cf. panel b in Fig. 1). The hydrogen envelope in model S6 decreases faster than the one in model S2 from the RSG stage. For example, the mass for model S6 is 8.924 M$_\odot$ at the core helium exhaustion while it is 13.705 M$_\odot$ for the model S2. Although there is a significant temperature discrepancy, the star in model S6 attains the lowest luminosity of $\sim 10^{5.4} L_{\odot}$ because of the reduction of the convective core and then turns into a WO star in its subsequent evolution (Panel (a) of Fig.2.). Strong mass loss during the RSG phase favors a bluewards evolution and lower luminosity WC stars are easier to form according to the formalism proposed by the Potsdam group (Vanbeveren et al. 2007, 2020). This indicates that the envelope stripped by strong winds is still too thick to evolve into the observed range of the low luminosity WC stars. However, the enhanced mass-loss rate can fit the observations of low-luminosity WO stars well and this is therefore a likely channel of formation for these stars.
\subsubsection{The primary star in the HR diagram}
1. Case A mass transfer
From panel (a) of Fig. 1, we can anticipate that binary evolution may play an important role in forming lower luminosity WR stars. In panel (b) of Fig. 1, the evolutionary track of the primary in the close binary system composed of a 30 $M_{\odot}$ star and a 27 $M_{\odot}$ star is also shown for the case where the initial orbital period is equal to 6.0 days. The primary overfills its Roche lobe at point 1 for the first time during the MS phase, until that point, the star lost little mass due to line-driven stellar winds. There are three episodes of mass transfer due to RLOF. We note that strong mass-loss rates occur in two main events. The first event, characterized by a strong decrease in luminosity, takes place between points 1 and $1'$ (loss of 9.506 $M_{\odot}$ by the primary star in a time interval of about 0.415 Myr).
The second event occurs between points 2 and $2'$ (loss of about 0.41 $M_{\odot}$ in a time interval of about 0.161 Myr).
During these mass-transfer events, the mass-loss rates due to RLOF can be up to nearly 100 times stronger than the wind mass-loss rates of O-type or B-type stars whose characteristic value is about $\rm 10^{-7} M_{\odot}/yr$. Between these two mass-transfer episodes, the star contracts and then expands again due to thermal adjustment. This is because the timescale for losing mass is shorter than the thermal timescale. The core cannot give rise to enough nuclear energy to keep pace with
the expansion of the envelope.
After the core helium burning is ignited, the third episode of mass transfer occurs with the envelope expansion. At the beginning of this last mass transfer, a H-rich envelope of 7.04 $M_{\odot}$ is still present. The star is a WNL star. During the third event of RLOF, the primary star transfers about 3.641 $M_{\odot}$ of envelope to the companion star.
After the third event of RLOF, the primary maintains a hydrogen envelope of 1.3 $M_{\odot}$. As a consequence of three episodes of very large mass loss, the convective core is significantly smaller during the helium burning phase than near the end of the MS. Subsequently, strong mass loss by WR winds reduces the hydrogen-rich envelope by about 4.9 $M_{\odot}$, and the star evolves in the blue region of the HR diagram. The hydrogen burning shell is extinguished and removed readily due to these strong WR winds.
The luminosity decreases again significantly from the end of the third episode of mass transfer (i.e., point $3'$) to the end of central helium burning. The
radius decreases from 25.12 $R_{\odot}$ to 0.41 $R_{\odot}$. Before the primary reaches the minimum luminosity, it enters the WNE phase.
After that, the helium-burning shell is revealed gradually. The star can turn into a WC star. The lowest luminsities reached during the WC phase are around $\rm Log L/L_{\odot} =5.27$, which is lower than for single-star models but still higher than the observed lowest luminous WC stars.
With the exhaustion of central helium, the slow contraction of the star induces a higher effective temperature and an increase in luminosity. The primary star does not experience expansion after central helium burning because the envelope above the helium burning shell has been removed by WR winds.
Their cores become more compact during the late evolutionary
stages. Therefore, some early-type WC and WO stars do not display any inflation and agree well with the model predictions in the HR diagram. As the helium shell burns, the shell burning region changes from radiation into convection as a result of the increase in opacity.
2.Case B mass transfer
In the model B2, with an initial orbital period of 20 days, there is a unique mass-transfer episode when the primary crosses the Hertzsprung gap.
The matter is transferred from the primary star to the companion star. This phase lasts about 0.008 Myr. The primary star lost about 8.01 $M_{\odot}$ during the entire mass-transfer phase. The mass transfer is so rapid that the primary is out of thermal equilibrium. The core cannot generate enough nuclear energy to keep pace with the expansion of the envelope. Therefore, the luminosity of the primary falls dramatically and attains the minimum luminosity. When the masses of the two components are equal, the orbital separation reaches its minimum value. From then on, the orbital separation increases when mass is transferred to the companion star, and so the mass-transfer rate of RLOF reduces. The primary star recovers thermal equilibrium again and its luminosity rises.
We notice that RLOF can inhibit the expansion of the hydrogen envelope and hinder the formation of red supergiant stars. This is mainly because little hydrogen is left in the primary star and the primary evolves quickly into a hot and compact helium star. This indicates that the thickness of the hydrogen envelope above the hydrogen burning shell has an important impact on the stellar expansion.
The maximum size of the convective core during the helium burning phase is approximately equal to that near the end of the MS and its mass can exceed half of the mass of the star (cf., Fig. 2). After undergoing different changes in color and luminosity, the star ends its evolution near the He-ZAMS lines. The primary star in model B2 can give rise to an early WC-type star with low luminosity but fails to reproduce the effective temperatures for the observed late WC subtypes with low luminosity, which might be due to the relatively thin helium envelope above the CO core. This also disfavors the occurrence of inflated envelopes. In addition, the effective temperature obtained from observations only reaches temperature in the psudo-photosphere, which is lower than the actual surface effective temperature of the star. When the optical thickness of the wind is accounted for, the temperature may shift to a redder value by about 0.5 dex (Ekstr\"om et al. 2012).
3.Case C mass transfer
In model B3, with an initial period of 1000 days, the binary system undergoes a unique mass transfer 0.013 Myr after the primary star ignites its central helium, which corresponds to
Case C mass transfer. The typical burning temperature for helium burning is around $2-3\times 10^{8}$ K. Usually the core helium burning is also paired with a hydrogen-burning shell just outside the core.
Central helium burning in massive stars lasts about $10\%$ of the whole lifetime of the star. The luminosity during this phase is comparable to that during hydrogen burning\footnote{It could become lower if the star experiences significant mass loss.}, within a factor of two, but the amount of energy released by helium burning is only about 10 $\%$ of that
released by hydrogen burning. A significant fraction of the luminosity of the star during this phase is also supplied by the hydrogen-burning shell.
The beginning of the mass transfer gives rise to a slight decrease in luminosity, in contrast to Case A and Case B. Contrary to the other systems described in this paper, the primary star in the model B3 spends a large part of its post MS evolution in the red side of the HR diagram, with $\log(T_{\rm eff})<3.9$. After the mass-loss episode, the star evolves towards high effective temperatures and decreases in luminosity, describing a loop in the HR diagram.
We also notice that contrary to the other models, just after the beginning of the helium burning phase, the star loses about 1.34 $M_{\odot}$ through stellar winds. This is mainly because of the mass-loss prescription considered after the MS phase when the star evolves redwards. Later, we find a sharp decrease in the mass of the star due to a short mass-loss episode caused by RLOF, which takes place within about $1.00\times 10^{4}$ years. The star does not experience the red supergiant stage, in contrast to the single star with 30 $M_{\odot}$.
During the helium burning phase, even though the star loses 5.855 $M_{\odot}$ through RLOF, the convective core continues to increase in mass.
The rotating model B3 evolves back to the blue in contrast to the single star S4 with 20 $M_{\odot}$, indicating that rotational mixing, and mass loss due to Roche lobe overflow, promote blueward evolution. Towards the end of the evolution, the star is a WC star with a helium-rich envelope of about 0.24 $M_{\odot}$. Its effective temperature and luminosity can attain $\rm \log T_{eff}\simeq 4.75$ and $\rm \log L/L_{\odot}\simeq 5.27$. Our Case C evolution behaves very similarly to the single-star model but the enhancement of mass loss is also due to mass transfer via RLOF. This model, due to its different mass-loss history compared to the single-star model, satisfactorily
reproduces lower luminous WC stars with lower effective temperatures.
\subsection{The evolution of stellar mass and the convective cores}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
The upper panel of Fig. 2 shows convective cores and stellar mass for nonrotating and rotating single stars as a function
of evolutionary age. Comparing the nonrotating model S1 with the rotating model S2, we
notice that the amount of mass lost is higher for rapidly rotating
stars during the MS. This can be ascribed to the fact that mass loss through stellar winds can be enhanced by the centrifugal force (Langer 1998). Moreover, the rotational models are slightly overluminous with respect to the nonrotating one and the MS lifetime is increased; this favors the enhancement of mass loss via stellar winds.
Furthermore, convective cores appear to be larger in
the star with high rotational velocity because rotational mixing is very
efficient.
Meridional circulations, which are scaled as the square of rotational angular velocity, are responsible for rotational mixing above the convective
core (Maeder \& Meynet 2000; Song et al. 2018). The larger core induced by rotational mixing leads to higher central temperature and lower opacity in the outer envelope. In fact, the size of the convective core is governed by
radiative pressure which is proportional to the quadrature of temperature $\rm T^{4}$. Therefore, the larger the mass of the star, the larger the convective cores. Rotating stars 30 $M_{\odot}$ have a larger convective core than the nonrotating ones. Furthermore, the main consequence of the rotational mixing is the increase in the lifetime of the core hydrogen burning. The main reason is that fresh hydrogen in the outer envelope is transferred into the central core by rotational mixing. This mixing process increases the fuel supply in the stellar core, extending its lifetime for central hydrogen burning.
\subsubsection{The primary star in binaries}
The bottom panel of Fig. 2 shows convective cores and stellar mass for the primary star in rotating binaries as a function
of its evolutionary age. It is found that the convective core of the primary star is reduced in close binaries compared to
the evolution of the convective core mass in the corresponding single star. For example, at the age of 4.0 Myr, the convective core is 14.26 $M_{\odot}$ for model S2 while it is 13.95 $M_{\odot}$ for model B1. This is mainly because tidal
braking can spin the star down when the spin angular velocity of the primary star is
higher than the orbital velocity. According to Zahn (1977), the synchronization timescale is very sensitive to the ratio of stellar radius R to the orbital separation (i.e., $\frac{1}{\tau_{sync}} \propto (\frac{R}{a})^{8.5}$).
Tidal braking spins the primary star down sharply in the binary system B1 with the shortest orbital period because the orbital separation is shortest in contrast to the wide systems B2 and B3 (cf. Fig.3). Therefore, tidal synchronization significantly decreases the efficiency of rotational mixing. This is because, in this model, the angular momentum transport inside the star is very efficient because spin angular momentum of the star is transformed into the orbit by the tidal braking (Song et al. 2016). For massive stars, the most important contribution to rotational mixing is meridional (Eddington-Sweet) circulation and its the efficiency in mixing is proportional to spin angular velocity $\Omega$ to the power of two. Furthermore, it is clear that strong tides can reduce the differential rotation between the core and the outer envelope and thus decrease the shear turbulence, which may play an important role in rotational mixing. The synchronization timescale $\tau_{\rm sync}$ increases with the initial orbital period to such an extent that the effect of tidal braking can be neglected when the orbital period is equal to or greater than about 100 days in model B3. Therefore, rotational mixing in these models has a similar effect to that in the single rotating star models.
We also can notice that convective cores drop from 11.45 $M_{\odot}$ to 10.13 $M_{\odot}$ during the first episode of RLOF. This result shows that a primary star that loses its hydrogen envelop via RLOF will develop a smaller convective core compared to a single counterpart S2. The removal of mass leads on an immediate drop in pressure throughout the interior of the star, as the weight
of that mass is removed at the stellar surface. This pressure drop is transmitted through the star at the speed of sound, i.e., on a dynamical timescale, resulting in a decreasing of central temperature. Therefore, mass loss tends to quench local nuclear burning, which is extremely temperature sensitive, and the size of convective core diminishes. The star becomes less luminous as a result of the reduction of its convective core (Webbink 2006; Song et al. 2020).
The convective core decreases slightly from 10.09 $M_{\odot}$ to 9.868 $M_{\odot}$
during the second event of RLOF in model B1. Therefore, mass transfer has a slight impact on the size of
the convective core because only a tiny fraction of the hydrogen envelope is removed. The response of the convective core to mass losses induced by mass transfer is different after the MS phase. During the RLOF
the convective core increases from 9.32 $M_{\odot}$ to 9.64 $M_{\odot}$ in model B2 and from 9.37 $M_{\odot}$ to 9.46 $M_{\odot}$ in model B3. This change of behavior is due to two effects. First, during the core helium burning phase, the convective core mass tends to increase in mass as a function of time. Second, the core is less coupled to the envelope, being separated from it by a much stronger density gradient than during the core H burning phase. Thus, removing part of the mass from the H-rich envelope has a very small impact on the evolution of the core.
\subsection{Evolution of the mass-transfer rate due to RLOF}
Figure 4 displays the mass-transfer rate due to RLOF as a function of evolutionary age in binaries. Until RLOF, all three models lose very little mass due to line-driven stellar winds. In the Case A mass transfer described here, there are three episodes of RLOF.
The first event, characterized by a strong decrease in luminosity, takes place between the ages of 5.96 Myr and 6.386 Myr. The maximum mass-transfer rate can attain a value of about $\rm 5.888 \times 10^{-4} M_{\odot} yr^{-1}$, which approximately corresponds to $\frac{M_{1}}{\tau_{\rm KH}}$ where $M_{1}$ and $\tau_{\rm KH}$ represent the
mass and the Kelvin-Helmoltz timescale of the primary star, respectively. Most of the hydrogen envelope remains radiative at the beginning of RLOF.
As mass is transferred from the more massive primary to the less massive secondary, the Roche lobes of the two components shrink due to the orbital shrinkage, but their radii do not. The shrinking Roche lobe of the primary implies that it must lose mass at a higher rate of $\rm 10^{-4}M_{\odot}/yr$. At this high mass-transfer rate, the primary star is out of thermal equilibrium. When the primary turns into the less massive of the two components, subsequent mass transfer from then on will enlarge the orbital separation. Therefore, mass transfer maintains a lower rate (i.e., $\rm \sim 10^{-6}M_{\odot}/yr$). The luminosity of the primary star decreases accordingly.
When thermal equilibrium is restored, both the luminosity and radius rise (cf, Panel b in Fig. 1).
The second event of RLOF occurs between the ages of 6.453 Myr and 6.614 Myr when the envelope of the primary star inflates again near the terminal of the MS. The maximum mass-transfer rate reaches a value of $\rm 3.944 \times 10^{-6} M_{\odot} yr^{-1}$. The mass transfer proceeds at the nuclear timescale of the primary.
The star becomes brighter when the surface mass fraction of hydrogen decreases.
The third mass-transfer event proceeds from 6.646 Myr to 6.666 Myr and the maximum mass-transfer rate can attain $\rm 2.15 \times 10^{-4} M_{\odot} yr^{-1}$. The primary inflates and the resulting high mass-transfer rate proceeds on the Kelvin-Helmholtz timescale.
The total mass loss is about 13.6 $M_{\odot}$ during the three mass-transfer episodes. The primary star loses most of the hydrogen envelope during the episodes of mass transfer. After the mass-transfer episodes, the star is composed of a helium core of 11.53 $M_{\odot}$ surrounded by a 2.7 $M_{\odot}$ H-rich envelope. The primary star appears as a late-type WNL star.
There is a unique mass-transfer episode during RLOF for models B2 and B3. Mass transfer in B2 occurs between the ages 6.908 and 6.927 Myr, while mass transfer in B3 occurs between
6.967 and 6.971 Myr. The maximum mass-transfer rate can reach a value of about $\rm 4.6 \times 10^{-3} M_{\odot} yr^{-1}$ for B2 while it can reach $\rm 5.5 \times 10^{-3} M_{\odot} yr^{-1}$ for B3. The primary star overfills its Roche lobe at the still more advanced stage when the initial orbital period increases; it has a shorter Kelvin-Helmholtz timescale ($\rm \tau_{\rm KH}$) and may have developed a deep convective envelope. The maximum mass-transfer rate which scales as $\frac{M_{1}}{\tau_{\rm KH}}$ becomes larger. Therefore, the mass-loss rate due to RLOF can be up to nearly 100 times stronger than the WR wind mass-loss rates which has a characteristic value of about $\rm 1.0 \times 10^{-5} M_{\odot}/yr$. The total transferred mass is about $\rm 9.144 M_{\odot}$ for model B2 while it is $\rm 5.855 M_{\odot}$ for the model B3. An initially tighter system results in a deeper stripping of hydrogen envelopes. The binary system with the short orbital period is prone to producing early-type WC stars but extreme stripping of the envelope through RLOF disfavors the envelope expansion.
\subsection{The evolution of helium cores}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
Figure 5 shows the helium core for nonrotating and rotating single stars and the rotating primary star in binaries as a function
of evolutionary age.
The higher the initial rotation velocity, the larger the helium core at the core hydrogen exhaustion.
For example, the nonrotating model S1 has a helium core of 11.673 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.38 Myr while the rotating model S2 has a helium core 12.11 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.73 Myr.
This results in a shorter lifetime of helium burning because the helium burning lifetime scales inversely with the helium core mass. The helium burning lifetime for model S1 is 0.51 Myr, while it is 0.48 Myr for S2.
At the core hydrogen exhaustion, the helium mass is 11.73 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.37 Myr for the nonrotating model S1 while it is 12.02 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.73 Myr for the rotating model S2. This is because the helium core mass -which scales with the size of the hydrogen convective core during the main sequence-can be enlarged by the rotation mixing.
During core helium burning, the helium core goes up substantially for both models S1 and S2. This is mainly because the final size of the helium core is closely related to the progression of the H-burning shell at the base of the H-rich envelope. Hydrogen burning in a shell (often the dominant nuclear
burning source) continuously adds fresh helium to the core and this process leads to a larger helium core.
The maximum helium core mass in the nonrotating model S1 has a value of 13.94 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.88 Myr while it has a value of 14.07 $M_{\odot}$ in the rotating model S2. This indicates that the freshly produced helium in the H-burning shell is about 2.21 $M_{\odot}$ in nonrotating model S1 whereas it is 2.05 $M_{\odot}$ in rotating model S2, which implies that the hydrogen shell burning is less active in rotating stars than in their nonrotating counterparts. The main reason for this is that a fraction of the helium has diffused from the core to the hydrogen envelope because of rotational mixing, while hydrogen diffuses in the opposite direction. This process results in a lower hydrogen mass fraction and a lower energy generation efficiency in H-shell burning.
Rotational mixing also leads to enlargement of the CO core mass upon core helium exhaustion because the CO core mass is not therefore inversely proportional to helium core mass. Because the compactness of a star at the beginning of the collapse scales directly
with the CO core mass, a larger CO core mass tends to give rise to a more compact core and a more expanded envelope.
\subsubsection{The primary star in binaries}
After the main sequence, the helium core mass increases gradually with burning of the hydrogen shell. In the binary system B1, the helium core for the primary star is 10.99 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 6.99 Myr while it is 12.89 $M_{\odot}$ at the age of 7.47 Myr.
The primary star loses most of its hydrogen-rich envelope through three episodes of RLOF. Hydrogen shell burning can be extinguished earlier in this case; the helium core can no longer grow and
may collapse because of the strong stellar wind expected in
the subsequent Wolf-Rayet phase (e.g., Woosley et al. 1995;
Wellstein et al. 2001; Pols \& Dewi 2002). Hydrogen shell burning can be extinguished at a late time in model B3 (during the core helium-burning
phase), and therefore, the final mass of the
helium core will often be lower for stars in close binaries than in wide binaries. Similar behavior is also seen in the carbon-oxygen core. For example, the mass of the CO core for the primary star in model B1 is 6.9658 $M_{\odot}$ whereas it is 10.785 $M_{\odot}$ in model B3. Furthermore, the mass of the helium core can be eroded greatly by RLOF in the tight system. The mass of the helium core in model B1 loses 3.612 $M_{\odot}$ after the MS whereas it loses 1.293 $M_{\odot}$ in model B3.
The lack of a hydrogen-burning shell because of RLOF results in a higher C/O ratio at the end of helium
core burning, which affects the strength of subsequent carbon
burning and the final size of the iron core (Brown et al. 2001). We also find that RLOF can reduce the central temperature and increase the lifetime of the core helium burning. For example, the lifetime for core helium burning is 0.54 Myr for B1 and 0.52 Myr for model S2 (cf, Table 1 and Table 2).
\subsection{The evolution of surface chemical compositions}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
Panels S1 (a), S2 (a), S1 (b), and S2 (b) of Fig. 6 show the evolution of surface chemical compositions for nonrotating and rotating single 30 $M_{\odot}$ models. There is no surface enrichment of internal chemical products in the nonrotational model S1 until the first dredge up appears. Because of the motion of the convective dredge up, surface nuclides (i.e., $\rm ^{1}H$, $\rm ^{12}C$, $\rm ^{16}O$, $\rm ^{22}Ne$, and $\rm ^{19}F$) decrease because of dilution. Indeed, a deep convective zone can appear for those stars that evolve in the red. This convective zone will reach above the H-shell burning.
These nuclides can be mixed from the mantle to the deep envelope-where because they had been destroyed by the CNO cycle and pp chains during the MS by the convective motion. At the same time, the nuclides $\rm ^{13}C$ and $\rm ^{14}N$ can be produced by the CNO cycle. The element $\rm ^{23}Na$ can be produced via the reaction $\rm ^{22}Ne(p,\gamma)^{23}Na$. The radioactive isotope $\rm ^{26}Al$ is produced by proton capture on $\rm ^{25}Mg$ before it has time to decay. The isotope $\rm ^{26}Al$ is destroyed in the He core of the WN-type star, and thus its abundance is decreased in the winds of WC and WO stars. Therefore, these nuclides may exhibit surface enrichments.
Furthermore, surface enrichments in internal chemical products for S1 can also be ascribed to the mass removal of hydrogen envelopes via stellar winds after the MS. Markova et al. (2018) noted that the envelope is stripped in the most luminous supergiants by the strong winds ($\rm \log L/L_{\odot} \geq 5.8$ and $\rm \log \dot{M} [M_{\odot}/\rm year] \geq -5.4$). The stellar mass in model S1 reduces from 26.917 $M_{\odot}$ at the end of hydrogen core burning to 14.105 $M_{\odot}$ at the end of helium core burning. The removed hydrogen envelope can eliminate the convective envelope which spans the mass coordinate from 26.6 $M_{\odot}$ to 16.6 $M_{\odot}$ and may attain the position of hydrogen-burning shell. Therefore, the enhancement of chemical compositions can be ascribed to the fact that the CNO products which are generated when the hydrogen-burning shell is exposed by strong stellar winds at the red supergiant stage. As the surface helium mass fraction increases, the star becomes a nitrogen-rich WR star evolving from an O-type star to a WNL star.
In the presence of rotation, surface $\rm ^{14}N$ and $\rm ^{4}He$ can be enriched by the rotational mixing (Meynet \& Maeder 2000; Maeder et al. 2014; Chieffi \& Limongi 2013; Limongi \& Chieffi 2018; Song et al. 2018). The main effect of rotational mixing is to smooth the internal chemical gradients and to facilitate a more progressive arrival of internal nuclear products at the surface (Georgy et al. 2012).
Furthermore, rotation can also enrich the surface $\rm ^{23}Na$ and $\rm ^{26}Al$, as can be seen comparing the model S1 with the model S2. This means that $\rm ^{23}Na$ is always produced by stars in which H-burning takes place via the NeNa cycle. $\rm ^{26}Al$ can be produced in the core by the MgAl cycle if $T \geq 3.0\times 10^{7} K$. Because $\rm ^{19}F$ is destroyed by the CNO cycle, surface $\rm ^{19}F$ element drops rapidly in the rotating star during the main sequence. However, a portion of $\rm ^{19}F$ can also be made during helium burning by the nuclear reaction $\rm ^{15}N(\alpha,\gamma)^{19}F$ with $\rm ^{15}N$ from $\rm ^{18}O(p,\alpha)^{15}N$ and protons from $\rm ^{14}N(n,p)^{14}C$ (Meynet \& Arnould 1993, 2000; Woosley et al. 2002). We note that, after the central helium burning, the nuclide $\rm ^{19}F$ on the surface is more rapidly enriched in the nonrotating star S1 than in the rotating star S2.
Maeder (2009) presented results suggesting that the behavior of the surface excess of nitrogen is a multivariate function (i.e., stellar mass, evolutionary age, projected rotational velocity, metallicity) for a single rotating star.
As expected, we find that nitrogen enrichment increases with increasing of initial velocity and evolutionary age during the MS (cf, Table 3).
During core helium burning, the nitrogen enrichment factor for the rotating 30 $M_{\odot}$ star increases from 5.22 to 19.95. There are three main reasons for nitrogen enhancement. First, strong stellar winds can remove the hydrogen envelope and expose the hydrogen-burning shell which is richer in nitrogen. Second,
rapid expansion results in larger differential rotation which can strengthen the shear instability. Thus the angular momentum transportation from the core to the envelope becomes more efficient, meaning that outer layers can attain the high rotational velocity which favors efficient rotational mixing and mass removal. For example, we find that the equatorial velocity of the model S2 can attain $\rm 248.04 Km/s$ at the end of central helium burning (cf, Table 2). Third, and most important, the mixing of chemical
elements between the helium convective core and the hydrogen-burning shell, which is induced by rotational
mixing greatly modifies the nitrogen enrichment. As opposed to model S1, where no
shell interactions takes place, models with shell interactions can give rise to more $\rm ^{14}N$. Figure 7 shows the variation of the ratio of surface mass fraction $\rm ^{14}N$ to the sum of the initial CNO elements as a function of the stellar mass for the different models. The maximum ratio for the rotating single star S2 can attain 1.45 before core helium exhaustion. More precisely, fresh $\rm ^{12}C$, which
is synthesized in the central He-burning core is transferred to the hydrogen-burning shell, where it
is quickly converted to the primary $\rm ^{14}N$ and all the other CNO nuclei, whose relative abundances are
dictated by the temperature of the H-shell (Limongi and Chieffi 2018).
This process indicates that the abundances of all
of the nuclei involved in the CNO cycle are increased by this interaction.
However, only a tiny amount of primary nitrogen can be produced in the single rotating model S2 with the solar metallicity.
There are two main reasons for this. First, the stars can lose more spin angular momentum and therefore they
rotate slower because of strong stellar winds. Simultaneously, they are less compact, and therefore differential
rotation and shear mixing are weaker. Second, the H burning shell has a much lower temperature
and therefore resides further away from the core, which disfavors mixing between the two (Meynet \& Maeder
2002).
Furthermore, a very small fraction of $\rm ^{14}N$ that transferred back to the central core is quickly
converted into $\rm ^{22}Ne$ before being converted into $\rm ^{25}Mg$ and $\rm ^{26}Mg$, thereby becoming an efficient primary
neutron source. The freshly synthesized helium which is also brought toward the center can reduce the final $\rm ^{12}C/^{16}O$
ratio in the core because these helium elements favor the conversion of $\rm ^{12}C$ into $\rm ^{16}O$. This process
favors the formation of WO stars.
\subsubsection{The primary star in binaries}
Panels B1(a), B3(a), B1(b), and B3(b) in Fig. 6 show the evolution of surface chemical compositions for the primary star in models B1 and B3.
Surface $\rm ^{4}He$ and $\rm ^{14}N$ in the binary system B1 can attain a higher value at the end of the MS compared to its single-star counterparts S2. This is mainly because surface composition is changed as a result of the outer layers being deeply exposed via RLOF. During three episodes of mass transfer due to RLOF, the factor of nitrogen enrichment in model B1 increases from 5.974 to 12.494. Similarly, the factor of nitrogen enrichment in model B2 increases from 6.700 to 12.55 due to RLOF.
However, the hydrogen-burning shell which is the main energy source can be removed as a result of RLOF in binary models. Before core helium exhaustion, the maximum ratio of the mass fraction of $\rm ^{14}N$ to the sum of CNO can reach 1.17 for model B3 while it is 0.92 for model B2 (cf. Fig.6). Therefore, the production of the primary nitrogen can also be restricted by mass transfer via RLOF in contrast to the situation for single star models.
Moreover, RLOF can drastically reduce the spin angular momentum of the primary star and lower the rotation velocity (cf, Table 2).
For instance, the rotational velocity of the primary in model B1 attains 1.83 km s$^{-1}$ at the end of central helium burning while it is 248.04 km s$^{-1}$ for the single-star counterpart S2.
These facts imply that RLOF does not favor the production of the rotational mixing.
A sharp increase in nitrogen enrichment can be seen in model B3 at the age of 7.406 Myr. This indicates that the hydrogen-burning shell in model B3 is exposed by RLOF during the middle period of core helium burning. We find that the WC stage begins early due to RLOF in system B1 compared to system B2. For instance, the primary star in model B1 attains the WC stage at 7.1064 Myr whereas model B3 reaches the WC stage at 7.456 Myr. The mass fraction of helium in the convective core is 0.068 for system B1 while it is 0.012 for system B3.
In contrast to single stars, the most remarkable feature is that the layers that are rich in $\rm ^{12}C$, $\rm ^{16}O$, $\rm ^{19}F$, $\rm ^{22}Ne$, and $\rm ^{25}Mg$ but deficient in $\rm ^{1}H$, $\rm ^{4}He$, and $\rm ^{14}N$ can be exposed early in binaries. Therefore, the corresponding ratios in number $\rm \frac{^{12}C}{^{16}O}$, $\rm \frac{^{25}Mg}{^{26}Mg}$, and $\rm \frac{^{12}C+^{16}O}{^{4}He}$ increase with the decreasing initial orbital period. The shorter the orbital period, the earlier these layers are revealed. This also indicates that
the minimum mass needed to enter the WC stage decrease with decreasing orbital period because the outer layers can be "peeled off" more effectively in the system with the short orbital period.
\subsection{The profile of various chemical elements at the end of central helium burning}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
Panel (a) of Fig. 8 shows the abundances of various elements as a function of the lagrangian mass in different models at the end of the core He-burning phase.
We find that there is a small amount of hydrogen ($X_{\rm H}=0.183$) at the surface of the nonrotating 30 $M_{\odot}$ star S1 (cf. Table 2) whereas there is no hydrogen at the surface of the rotating 30 $M_{\odot}$ star S2.
There are two main reasons for this. First, rotational mixing in S2 can transfer fresh hydrogen from the envelope to the core and less hydrogen can be maintained in model S2. Second, the mass loss can be enhanced by both the slightly increased luminosity and the longer duration of the MS phase in S2, and therefore the hydrogen-deficient layer is exposed (cf. panel b). Yoon et al. (2010) noticed that the presence of a thin hydrogen layer in some models results in a more extended envelope than in the
corresponding single pure helium star models. The surface convective region in model S2 can be decreased by rotation-enhanced mass loss. The surface abundances in $\rm ^{12}C$ and $\rm ^{16}O$ are enriched in the rotating model S2, compared to the nonrotating model S1 (cf. Table 3). This comes from the fact that rotation leads to an increase in the CO-core mass (see Hirschi et al. 2004). Also, the surface abundance of $\rm ^{22}Ne$ is greatly enhanced in the rotating model S2.
The flat profile of helium in the outer region implies that the development of outer convective zones was restrained in the rotating model S2, compared to the nonrotating model S1. For example, there is an outer convective region which spans from $16.63M_{\odot}$ to $16.48 M_{\odot}$ in the nonrotating model S1 whereas the mass coordinate of the corresponding convective layer is from $16.63M_{\odot}$ to $16.35M_{\odot}$ in the rotating model S2.
This is a consequence of the rotational mixing that proceeded during the evolution. Some freshly synthesized helium diffuses into the envelope, which leads to less hydrogen and smaller opacity. As a result, rotational mixing can restrain the development of the outer convective region.
\subsubsection{The primary star in binaries}
Because the ratio of the central density to the central temperature $\rm \frac{\rho_{c}}{T_{c}^{3}}$ decreases with increasing mass and the near constancy of helium burning temperatures, the central density of the primary star in B3 is lower than that in B1 (cf. Table 2). More specifically, the central hydrogen is used up, and most of the initial metallicity of the star is converted to $\rm ^{14}N$. For solar metallicity, the $\rm ^{14}N$ mass fraction in the helium core will therefore be about $1\%-2\%$; $\rm ^{14}N$ burns by two alpha captures and a $\rm \beta^{+}$ decay to $\rm ^{22}Ne$; the reaction is usually $\rm ^{14}N(\alpha,\gamma)^{18}F(e^{+} \nu_{e})^{18}O(\alpha,\gamma)^{22}Ne$.
In model B1, we noted that the neutron-rich isotope $\rm ^{22}Ne$ is generated during helium burning and the abundance of $\rm ^{22}Ne$ is derived from $\rm ^{14}N$.
At the end of the He-burning phase (see panels (d)), the central abundance of $\rm ^{12}C$ in model B3 is significantly lower than in model B1.
The ratio of carbon to oxygen usually decreases as stellar mass increases. At the same time, the abundances of $\rm ^{20}Ne $ and $\rm ^{24}Mg $ are significantly greater. This is a consequence of helium diffusion into the He core at the end of the He-burning phase. Let us recall that $\rm ^{12}C$ is destroyed by alpha capture (to give rise to $\rm ^{16}O$), while $\rm ^{20}Ne$ and $\rm ^{24}Mg$ can also be produced by alpha capture, respectively.
It is clearly shown in panel(b) of Fig. 6 that mass transfer due to RLOF can effectively reduce the mass of the helium convective core. This can be attributed to the fact that an initially tighter orbit leads to deeper stripping of the hydrogen envelope via RLOF. The central temperature can also be decreased by mass removal. For instance, the central temperature for S2 is $\log T_{\rm c}=8.944$, whereas this temperature is $\log T_{\rm c}=8.937$ for B1 (cf, Table 2). For this reason, the central mass fraction of carbon is higher in model B1 and the corresponding central mass fraction of oxygen is smaller in this model. In general, the higher the $\rm ^{12}C$ mass fraction left by core He burning, the slower is the contraction of the CO core and the shallower the final mass-radius relation of the whole star. The more massive the star, the larger the ratio of oxygen to carbon upon central helium exhaustion. Expansion of the helium envelope during the final evolutionary stages becomes more significant for a more compact carbon-oxygen core (the so-called mirror effect).
\subsection{The evolution of stellar radius}
\subsubsection{Single stars}
Figure 9 shows the variation of stellar radius as a function of central temperature.
After leaving the main sequence, the core of the star contracts and its gravitational potential transforms into internal energy. The central temperature increases rapidly and hydrogen begins to ignite in a shell. The shell-burning source is the main factor responsible for the envelope expansion, through the so-called mirror principle.
The maximum radius can be attained in model S1 and this heavily depends on the fact that the star retains a very thick hydrogen envelope. The variation of the radius is rapid because the stellar radius changes on a much shorter thermal timescale after the MS.
Moreover, this also implies that the star has a larger opacity in the presence of heavy hydrogen envelopes which may favor a larger expansion. At the peak of the first stellar expansion, the energy from hydrogen-shell burning contributes about half of the total nuclear luminosity.
After that the star contracts rapidly. This process can be understood by the fact that the energy contribution from the helium-burning shell increases gradually and outweighs that from the hydrogen-shell burning. The turning point in radius expansion is reached when the stars have approximate energy contributions from two shell sources (Laplace et al. 2020). After that, the helium-shell burning governs the radius expansion because the hydrogen-burning shell has been extinguished due to stellar winds. After central helium exhaustion, the rate of neutrino cooling from the carbon-oxygen core increases and the core undergoes rapid Kelvin-Helmholtz contraction. During this phase, both nonrotational and rotational models display overall expansion. With a sufficient amount of helium in the envelope, this would lead to great expansion of the helium envelope.
The mass of the CO core is somewhat higher in the less stripped model S1 in contrast to model S2. Greater CO mass at core He depletion in model S1 favors stronger contraction due to the mirror effect. This is mainly because the shrinkage of the core can alter the hydrostatic structure of
the star, increasing the density and temperature at the base of the
hydrogen-shell burning region, which in turn enhances the rate of nuclear
energy generation in the shell. The extra energy produced in the shell
cannot be transported by the envelope, and so it enters the envelope
causing it to cool and expand (according to the virial theorem).
Therefore, the envelope expansion after core helium exhaustion is more prominent in a more compact stellar CO core.
\subsubsection{The primary star in binaries}
The ultra-stripped donor star in B1 is largely composed of helium and, later,
heavier elements. As a result, one may expect the primary star
to be very compact and display small expansions after Roche-lobe overflow. However, it has been
shown that the slightly stripped primary star in B3 can swell and reach great dimensions
in the late stages of evolution. The main reason for this is that the Roche lobe is larger in a wider system and less of helium envelope above the helium-burning shell can be removed by RLOF.
Moreover, a large convective envelope which spans from the mass coordinate from about 2 $M_{\odot}$ to 13 $M_{\odot}$ has formed at the end of evolution. Convective motions will modify the energy transport in the envelope,
which strongly affects the radius of the star.
The convective regions may have typical convective velocities that exceed the sound speed of the
stellar interior. Therefore, convective motions may be highly turbulent and clumped. Gr\"afener et al. (2012) presented results showing
that clumping of the convective flows in the outer parts
of the star could be what seeds the clumping in stellar winds. In stellar models, this clumping effect may increase the opacity
of the material in the subsurface convective layer but can transfer the
average opacity to a higher density. This increase
in opacity, inflates the envelope, leading to a
cooler temperature. The
updated OPAL opacity table has been obtained by Iglesias \& Rogers (1996), which causes a strong iron bump at around $\log_{10} T \approx 5.25$ (cf. fig. 10). The base of the inflated envelope in these models is located around the characteristic Fe-bump temperature. The maximum opacity within the Fe-bump is located at temperatures, ranging from $\rm 5<\log (T/K)<5.5$.
The radius extension for luminous, metal-rich Wolf-Rayet stars was found by Ishii et al. (1999). These inflated envelopes usually contain a strong density
inversion, as is often observed in stellar models (Petrovic et al. 2006). As a sign of inflation caused by the iron peak, the density inversion in the outermost layers disappears when $\log_{10} T > 5.07$.
Moreover, massive helium stars ($> 15 M_{\odot}$ for helium stars) can develop a core-halo structure with a very extended radiative envelope. This structural change is also caused by the large peak of the iron peak opacities, which is more prominent in more massive metal-rich stars. Petrovic et al. (2006) noted that for small values of the stellar wind mass-loss rate, an extended envelope
structure is still present. However, for mass-loss rates above a critical value, for which they derive an expression, Wolf-Rayet radii decrease and
the stellar structure becomes compact. This indicates that, although some WC stars
have inflating envelopes for most of their lifetimes, the inflation
disappears as they lose most of their helium envelopes and
their cores become more compact during late evolution.
Our theory shows that the envelopes of some early-type WC and
WO stars do not inflate, which is due to the absence of helium envelopes and the positions of these stars on the hot side of the helium ZAMS lines. WC stars
of later spectral subtypes have much cooler temperatures in the presence of helium envelopes. The final surface effective temperature tends to be lower for a higher
helium envelope mass that remains until the end, which is in
turn determined by the initial orbital period. The remaining thicker helium envelope facilitates greater expansion.
Moreover, the WR models follow a mass-luminosity relation of approximately
$\rm L_{\ast}\propto M_{\ast}^{1.35}$ (Maeder \& Meynet 1987; Langer 1989). The increase in L/M with mass is the primary driver of the extended envelopes and large radii of massive high-metallicity WC stars, because radiative acceleration is proportional to stellar luminosity and opacity. Therefore, for a fixed opacity, an evolutionary model with a higher mass of WC stars can attain a higher Eddington factor in its evolution because of its higher L/M ratio (cf. Fig. 10).
It is well known that when the star approaches the Eddington limit, that is, the maximum luminosity they can radiate at, large expansions can be triggered. There are two reasons for the decrease in the luminosity of WC stars in the late stages of evolution. First, the central temperature can be decreased by the previous mass removal due to RLOF. Second,
envelope expansions can give rise to a small temperature gradient inside the star. As the envelope expands, the temperature
throughout the He-burning shell and the density at the top of the He-shell
decrease, in turn decreasing the rate at which nuclear energy is generated.
Therefore, the reduced luminosity in B3 in comparison with the model S2 mainly originates from small temperature gradients.
At the final stage of evolution, helium and carbon shell sources release roughly equivalent luminosities. The layer above the helium-burning shell expands, which results in cooling of the helium-burning shell. Finally, the temperature and density of helium-rich material are too low to sustain helium burning and the helium shell source is extinguished in B1. The maximum envelope expansion is restricted by the orbital period and the mass loss via RLOF. The reduced density due to the expansion has two consequences, a further reduced convective energy transport efficiency, and a reduction in the opacity as the iron peak decreases towards lower densities.
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.50\textwidth]{fig13.pdf}
\caption{Evolution of the ratio of surface mass fraction $\rm ^{14}N$ to the sum of the initial mass fraction of CNO as a function the actual mass of the star in the nonrotating and rotating single stars and the primary stars in rotating binaries.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.50\textwidth]{fig14.pdf}
\caption{Profile of various chemical elements as a function of mass coordinates in single stars with different initial rotational velocities and the donor star in binaries with different initial orbital period at the end of central helium burning.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.50\textwidth]{fig15.pdf}
\caption{Stellar radius as a function of the central temperature of the stellar evolutionary sequences of the models
of different initial velocities in single stars and different initial orbital periods in binaries.}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[h]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=0.50\textwidth]{fig16.pdf}
\caption{Eddington factor and opacity as a function of the temperature inside an initially rotating single 30 $M_{\odot}$ star S2 and a primary star in B3 with the same effective temperature $\rm \log T_{eff}=5.11$ at almost the end of the evolution. The Eddington factor is defined as $\rm \Gamma=\frac{\kappa(r)L(r)}{4\pi cGM(r)}$, where M(r) is the Lagrangian mass coordinate, $\kappa(r)$ is the Rosseland mean opacity, and L(r) is the local luminosity (Langer 1997).}
\end{figure}
\section{Discussion of the validity of the formation of these WC stars in the binary system}
The primary star expands until it overfills its Roche lobe. This channel does not depend on the mass-loss rate of stellar winds but on the orbital period. Therefore, it can work at lower luminosity in contrast to the single-star evolution. The secondary star in the binary system can obtain a fraction of mass through RLOF, and is therefore most likely to become a bright and detectable OB star. About $30\%-40\%$ of the Galactic Wolf-Rayet (WR) stars have a
visible OB-type companion (Vanbeveren \& Conti 1980; Crowther 2007). Shara et al. (2017) found that
12 O-type companion stars in the WR+O binaries rotate super-synchronously and these stars are spun up during the RLOF and mass transfer
of the progenitor binary. This is mainly because mass transfer is generally accompanied by angular momentum transfer
and the mass gainer is expected to spin up.
However, except for a few established binaries, a currently present OB-type companion star is usually observationally excluded (Hamann et al. 2019; Sander et al. 2019). Can the binary channel explain the apparently single WC stars in the observed sample?
We cannot exclude the possibility that these stars are members of long-period binaries. There are four possible physical reasons for the formation of these WC stars in the binary system.
First, the systems that go through Case C mass transfer have long initial orbital periods and the secondary star can accrete a little mass from the primary star.
The companion star is therefore expected to be much fainter in the system with a very small initial mass ratio $\rm q=\frac{M_{2}}{M_{1}}$
than the actual primary star and resides in an orbit that is relatively
wide, which would induce low-amplitude radial velocity
variations of the mass gainers (typically 10 km s$^{-1}$). These
WC stars might be identified as single stars but they have, on the other hand, experienced RLOF. Indeed, a certain fraction of even the
present-day single WC stars might have a binary history, and some
of them might have a yet undetected, low-luminosity companion. Recently, Dsilva et al. (2020) analyzed 12 northern Galactic WC stars and found a clear lack of short-period systems, indicating that a large number of Galactic WC binaries appear to reside in
long-period systems with $\rm P_{orb} > $ 100 days. The analysis of Galactic WC stars performed by Sander et al. (2019) suggests the least massive WC masses are of about 5.8 $M_{\odot}$. This value is much lower than the 10 $M_{\odot}$ obtained by single-star models (Georgy et al. 2012). This supports the view that low-luminosity WC stars could indeed be the result of close-binary evolution.
The model B5 with initial $\rm P_{orb}=500$ days can reproduce the observed region of low-luminosity WC stars in the HR diagram (cf. panel (b) in Fig 1.).
WC stars are believed to be the direct
progenitors of black holes and the orbit does not experience
drastic variation during the short-lived WC phase.
The simulation investigations of the orbital period
distribution of OB+BH binary systems by Langer et al. (2020) revealed that the distribution
of WC binary systems at lower metallicity has a
small peak at short orbital periods $\rm (log P_{orb} \sim 0.7)$ and a larger peak at long
periods $\rm (log P_{orb} \sim 2.2)$ at lower metallicity for the Large Magellanic Cloud. At Galactic metallicity, the corresponding evolutionary tracks
will have larger mass-loss rates and will therefore shift the distribution
towards longer periods. As a rough estimate, the Galactic late WC subtypes with low luminosity can be approximately produced in a wide binary system with an initial orbital period of $\rm P_{orb} \approx 10^{2}-10^{3} days$. A single 30 $M_{\odot}$ star can give rise to a late WC star with high luminosity whereas a single 35 $M_{\odot}$ star can produce WO subtypes. Therefore, the mass range of the primary star that can produce these WC subtypes is approximately estimated to within the range of $30-35 M_{\odot}$.
On the other hand, these WC stars might be runaway stars, kicked off when the primary star exploded in a supernova event. For example, WR136 is a runaway star (Tetzlaff et al. 2011).
As an alternative possibility, avoiding a bright companion star, the evolution of a common envelope has been suggested.
A common envelope phase occurs when the orbital period is on the order of years. If the secondary star is originally
a very low-mass star, it might eject the hydrogen envelope without accreting much mass during common envelope evolution (Kruckow et al. 2016). Common-envelope
evolution gives rise to orbital shrinkage, resulting in a very
short-period binary system that may merge. Therefore, the binary system cannot exist and may lead to an
apparently single WC star. If it survived, the faint companion star with low mass might be very difficult to detect. This means that common envelope evolution (meaning no mass transfer and thus no spin up), which excludes any accretion onto the secondary
star with low mass, may partly be responsible
for the formation of the apparently single WC stars.
Finally, we may consider the possibility that the current WC star was originally the secondary star of a binary system and served as the accretor in the first RLOF. The primary star explodes or collapses to a compact object. If the binary system maintained bound after explosion, reverse RLOF might occur, this time from the original secondary star to the compact object. This process can strip off the hydrogen envelope from the secondary star and turn it into a WC star. This process can lead to a WR and a compact companion system. For example, Moffat et al. (1982) suggested that WR124 might be a binary hosting a compact object.
A particularly challenging object is the WC9 star WR 119.
The least luminous in WC samples, with $\rm \log L/L_{\odot} = 4.7$, and with a current mass of
approximately 6 $M_{\odot}$, this star is most likely the product of the binary evolution,
although there is no clear evidence for a close binary system.
Sander et al. (2019) suggested that this system might be an interesting example of a stripped envelope star originating
from a primary star with $\rm M < 18 M_{\odot}$ that lost its hydrogen envelope
to a companion star and eventually shifted from a WN to a WC stage.
\section{Summary and Conclusion}
Observations of Galactic low-luminosity WC stars indicate these stars are located in regions hotter than log$\rm T_{eff}=4.5$, and their luminosities $\rm \log L/L_{\odot}$ range between 4.9 and 5.4. Previous single-star evolutionary models cannot provide a fully satisfactory explanation for their positions in the HR diagram. Binary evolution is a promising channel, allowing enough mass to be removed to reach the lower luminosity of observable samples. The binary models can span a wider region in both luminosity and temperature than the single-star models. The main results of this work are as follows.
(1)Rotation has two effects on the evolution of massive stars. First, rapid rotation enhances mass loss by reducing the depth of the potential from which mass must escape and therefore increases the chance of forming WR stars during the RSG stage, especially strongly at high velocity. Rapid rotation can cause stars to evolve more quickly away from the red supergiant phase and thus decreases the minimum mass that is required to attain the WC stage. Therefore, rapid rotation has an impact on the WC/WN ratio by shortening the WN lifetime. Rotation contributes to the mixing of core fusion products through the radiative envelope, increasing surface abundances of heavy elements and stellar winds.
(2)Rotational mixing can increase the He or CO core mass and decrease the final $\rm ^{12}C/^{16}O$ ratio in the core. A low-mass star with 20 $M_{\odot}$ does not go through a WR stage and such a model ends its evolution as a supergiant. The more massive star (i.e., $M \sim 30 M_{\odot}$ ) can evolve directly from a red supergiant to a WR star in models S1 or S2. The rotating star S2 can reach the late-type WC stage with high luminosity whereas the nonrotating counterpart S1 merely attains the WNL stage at the end of the evolution. Moreover, $\rm ^{12}C$ and $\rm ^{16}O$, which are produced by the helium-burning shell, can be exposed early by rotational mixing and this favors a higher metallicity and a larger opacity. The mass of helium and carbon-oxygen cores is enlarged by rotational mixing.
(3)Before RLOF, we find that nitrogen enrichment is lower in binaries than in single stars. This fact indicates that rotational mixing can be reduced by a lower synchronous rotational velocity.
Nitrogen enrichment is greater for the initial wide system B3 compared to system B1. This can be understood by the fact that tidal braking has a slight impact on the rotational mixing in an initially wide system.
The primary star in binary systems can evolve into a WR star because of stripping by a companion star rather than the inherent mass loss via stellar wind. Extreme stripping of the envelope through RLOF disfavors redward motion in the HR diagram because of the absence of envelope expansions. The primary star that goes through Case A mass transfer can avoid the red supergiant phase and this causes the star to burn most of its helium during a WNL or WNE stage. The primary star ends its evolution as an early-type WC stars with high luminosity and the cores of the binary become more compact during the late evolution.
The primary is expected to be hot and hydrogen depleted. The primary star is also a hot WC star in the system with an initial orbital period of $\rm P_{orb}=20$ days but displays little envelope inflation because of its thin helium envelope.
(4)The primary star responds to the decrease in mass by adapting its internal structure during the MS and thus the size of its convective core reduces. However, the mass of the convective core does not decrease when RLOF occurs after the main sequence. RLOF increases the probability of a star losing its hydrogen envelope and results in fewer RSGs, more WR stars and more Type Ib/c SNe in contrast to single-star models. The donor star is hotter and more compact than its single-star counterpart because this latter keeps more hydrogen in its envelope. As a result, the fraction of WC stars can be produced through the binary channel, and therefore the number of WR stars that can be produced, should be high. The minimum mass for stars entering the WC stage decreases with decreasing initial orbital period.
(5).We find that the later the RLOF occurs, the closer the final state of the primary star is to the observed late-type WC stars with low luminosity in the HR diagram. The late WC stars with low mtallicity have more chance of being produced with an orbital period ranging from 100 days to 1000 days.
In the system with an initial orbital period of $\rm P_{orb}=1000$ days, the primary star can turn into the observed late-type WC star with low luminosity due to significant envelope expansion. Our results are almost is nearly independent of the adopted accretion efficiency factor $1-\beta$.
Heavy helium envelopes can be heated by the helium burning shells and favor envelope expansion. The helium envelope in the wide binary system is not significantly stripped but surface carbon and oxygen are enriched beyond core helium-burning. Envelope inflation tends to be suppressed upon strong mass loss. In the late stages of evolution, the temperature gradient of the primary is smaller than that in the single-star counterpart and thus its luminosity decreases rapidly with the expansion of the envelope.
(6)There are four physical reasons for the occurrence of inflated envelopes. First, less helium envelope can be transferred to the companion star in the wide system. Heavy helium envelopes can be heated by the helium-burning shell and this creates the necessary conditions for envelope expansion. Second, envelope inflation is related to the proximity of the stellar luminosity to its effective Eddington luminosity, that is, to a high luminosity-to-mass ratio or a high envelope opacity. The increase in L/M with mass is the primary cause of the extended envelopes and large radius of massive high-metallicity WR stars. For a fixed opacity,
more massive stars are more prone to inflation due to a higher Eddington factor. Third, the compactness of a star at the beginning of the collapse scales directly
with CO core mass. A larger CO core mass tends to give rise to a more compact core and a greater expansion of envelope due to the mirror effect. RLOF can reduce the mass of both helium and CO cores because hydrogen-burning shells have been removed. Finally, the iron opacity bump also greatly increases the occurrence of inflated envelopes.
\begin{acknowledgements}
This work was sponsored by the National Natural Science Foundation
of China (Grant Nos. 11863003, 12173010), Swiss National Science Foundation (project number 200020-172505), Science and technology plan projects of Guizhou province (Grant No. [2018]5781).
We are very grateful to an anonymous referee for his/her valuable suggestions and very insightful remarks, which have improved this paper greatly.
\end{acknowledgements}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
}
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\section{Introduction}
The exploration of hadronic matter in strong abelian magnetic field has a fundamental meaning.
The strong magnetic fields of $\sim 2\ \mbox{GeV}$ may be associated with the formation of the Early Universe ~\cite{Hector:00}.
Now it is possible to observe such magnetic fields in non-central heavy-ion collisions in terrestrial laboratories (ALICA, RHIC, NICA, FAIR). The field value can reach up to $15 m^2_{\pi} \sim 0.27\, \mbox{GeV}^2$ ~\cite{Skokov:2009}, i.e. the order of energies at which the QCD effects appear.
Quantum chromodynamics in a strong magnetic field shows a lot of bright interesting effects, e.g. inverse magnetic catalysis \cite{Bruckmann:2013oba}. Calculations on the lattices are a good method for study of the phase diagram of QCD in external magnetic field \cite{Massimo.DElia:2010,Bali:2011,Bornyakov:2013eya}.
Numerical simulations in QCD with $N_f=2$ and $N_f=2+1$ show that strongly interacting matter in strong magnetic field
posses paramagnetic properties in the confinement and deconfinement phases \cite{Bonatti:2013,Bonatti:2014,Bali:2013}. Equation of state for quark-gluon plasma in strong magnetic field was also investigated in \cite{Levkova:2014}.
In the framework of the Nambu-Jona-Lasinio model it was shown that QCD vacuum becomes a superconductor
in sufficiently strong magnetic field ($B_c=m^2_{\rho}/e \simeq 10^{16}$ Tl)
\cite{Chernodub:2010,superconductivity} along the direction of the magnetic field.
This transition to superconducting phase is accompanied
by a condensation of charged $\rho$ mesons, their masses turns to zero.
We have calculated the ground state energies of neutral and charged vector mesons as a function of external magnetic field depending on the spin projections $s_z = 0,\ +1$ or $-1$ on the axis of the magnetic field in $SU(3)$ lattice gauge theory without dynamical quarks.
For not very large magnetic fields our data for charged particles confirm the picture of Landau levels for pointlike particles.
Articles \cite{Simonov:2013} \cite{Hidaka:2012} and \cite{Liu:2014} are also devoted to the behaviour of meson masses in the external abelian magnetic field.
\section{Observables and details of calculations}
\label{Setup}
The technical details of our calculations are presented in \cite{Luschevskaya}.
We generate $SU(3)$ statistically independent
lattice gauge configurations with tadpole improved Symanzik action \cite{Bornyakov:2005}.
Then we solve Dirac equation numerically
\begin{equation}
D \psi_k=i \lambda_k \psi_k, \ \ D=\gamma^{\mu} (\partial_{\mu}-iA_{\mu})
\label{Dirac}
\end{equation}
and find eigenfunctions $\psi_k$ and eigenvectors $\lambda_k$ for a test quark in the external gauge field $A_{\mu}$, which is a sum of non-abelian $SU(3)$ gluonic field and $U(1)$ abelian constant magnetic field.
We add the abelian magnetic field only into Dirac operator, because our theory doesn't contain dynamical quarks.
Our simulations has been carried out on symmetrical lattices with lattice volumes $16^6$, $18^4$ and lattice spacings $a=0.105 \mbox{fm}$, $a=0.115 \mbox{fm} $, $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$. The number of configurations for the lattices with $a=0.115 \mbox{fm} $ and $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$ spacings were $200-300$, for the finest lattice with $a=0.105\ \mbox{fm}$ $95$ configurations was used.
We calculate the correlation functions in coordinate space
\begin{equation}
\langle\psi^{\dagger}(x) O_1 \psi(x) \psi^{\dagger}(y) O_2 \psi(y)\rangle_A,
\label{observables}
\end{equation}
where $O_1, O_2=\gamma_{\mu}, \gamma_{\nu} $
are Dirac gamma matrices, $\mu, \nu=1,..,4$ are Lorenz indices.
In order to calculate the observables \eq{observables} the quark propagators have to be computed.
The Dirac propagator for the massive quark is
\begin{equation}
D^{-1}(x,y)=\sum_{k<M}\frac{\psi_k(x) \psi^{\dagger}_k(y)}{i \lambda_k+m}.
\label{lattice:propagator}
\end{equation}
where $M=50$ is the number of the lowest eigenmodes.
For the correlators \eq{observables} the following equality is fulfilled
\begin{equation}
\langle \bar{\psi} O_1 \psi \bar{\psi} O_2 \psi \rangle_A=- {\rm tr} \, [O_1D^{-1}(x,y)O_2D^{-1}(y,x)]+ {\rm tr} \, [O_1D^{-1}(x,x)] {\rm tr} \, [O_2D^{-1}(y,y)].
\label{lattice:correlator}
\end{equation}
We calculate the correlators and the make its Fourier transformation.
For the meson ground state we have to choose $\langle\textbf{p}\rangle=0$.
For particles with zero momentum their energy is equal to its mass $E_0=m_0$.
The expansion of correlation function to exponential series has the form
\begin{equation}
\tilde{C}(n_t)=\langle \psi^{\dagger}(\textbf{0},n_t) O_1 \psi(\textbf{0},n_t) \psi^{\dagger}(\textbf{0},0) O_2 \psi(\textbf{0},0)\rangle_A =
\sum_k\langle 0|O_1|k \rangle \langle k|O^{\dagger}_{2}|0 \rangle e^{-n_t a E_k},
\label{sum}
\end{equation}
where $a$ is the lattice spacing, $n_t$ is the number of nodes in the time direction, $E_k$ is the energy of the state with quantum number $k$.
From expansion \eq{sum} one can see that for large $n_t$ the main contribution comes from the ground state.
Because of periodic boundary conditions on the lattice the main contribution to the ground state has the following form
\begin{equation}
\tilde{C}_{fit}(n_t)=A_0 e^{-n_t a E_0} + A_0 e^{-(N_T-n_t) a E_0}=
2A_0 e^{-N_T a E_0/2} \cosh ((N_T-n_t) a E_0),
\label{sum33}
\end{equation}
where $A_0$ is a constant, $E_0$ is the energy of the ground state.
Mass of the ground state can be evaluated fitting the correlator \eq{sum} with \eq{sum33} function.
In order to minimize the errors and exclude the contribution of excited states we take various values of $n_t$ from the interval $5 \leq n_t \leq N_T-5$.
\section{Results}
\label{Results}
The correlators of vector currents in various spatial dimensions have the following form
\begin{equation}
C_{xx}^{VV}=\langle \bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},n_t) \gamma_1 \psi(\textbf{0},n_t)
\bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},0) \gamma_1 \psi(\textbf{0},0)\rangle,
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
C_{yy}^{VV}=\langle \bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},n_t) \gamma_2 \psi(\textbf{0},n_t)
\bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},0) \gamma_2 \psi(\textbf{0},0)\rangle,
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
C_{zz}^{VV}=\langle \bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},n_t) \gamma_3 \psi(\textbf{0},n_t)
\bar{\psi}(\textbf{0},0) \gamma_3 \psi(\textbf{0},0)\rangle.
\end{equation}
The energy of the ground state or the mass of vector $\rho$ meson with $s_z= 0$ spin projection could be obtained from the $C_{zz}^{VV}$ correlator.
The combinations of correlators
\begin{equation}
C^{VV}(s_z=\pm 1)= C^{VV}_{xx}+C^{VV}_{yy} \pm i(C^{VV}_{xy}-C^{VV}_{yx}).
\label{eq:CVV1}
\end{equation}
correspond to the vector particles with quantum numbers $s_z=+1$ and $s_z=-1$.
In Fig.\ref{fig:mrho_B2_s0} we see the mass of the state with zero spin which was obtained from the correlator $C_{zz}^{VV}$. We expect that at small magnetic field this state corresponds to the neutral $\rho^0$ meson with zero spin projection on the axis $z$. The mass of the state diminishes with the magnetic field at small $eB$.
In nature at strong magnetic field the branching for the decay $\rho^0\rightarrow \pi^0 \gamma$ have to be large. It is not easy to distinguish between $\rho^0(s_z=0)$ and $\pi^0(s=0)$ on the lattice because they have the same quantum numbers. We do not make it here.
\begin{figure}[htb]
\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{cc}
\includegraphics[height=3.3in, angle=-90]{SU3_ro_meson_B2.eps}
\end{tabular}
\caption{The ground state energy of the neutral $\rho^0$ meson with spin $s_z=0$ as a function
of magnetic field for lattice volume $16^4$ and $18^4$, lattice spacings $a=0.115\mbox{fm}$ and $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$ and various bare quark masses.}
\label{fig:mrho_B2_s0}
\end{center}
\end{figure}
Fig.\ref{fig:mrho_B2_s1} shows the mass of the neutral $\rho^0$ meson with spin projections $s_z=\pm 1$.
The masses for $s_z=-1$ and $s_z=+1$ grow with the field value and coincide with each other because the imaginary part of \eq{eq:CVV1} is zero.
This is a manifestation of C-parity of $\rho^0$ meson. From Fig.\ref{fig:mrho_B2_s0} and \ref{fig:mrho_B2_s1} we see that the data cohere for $16^4$ and $18^4$ lattice volumes and the same lattice spacings $a=0.115$ fm. Lattice spacing effects are also not large.
\begin{figure}[htb]
\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{cc}
\includegraphics[height=3.3in, angle=-90]{SU3_ro_meson_B2_11_22.eps}
\end{tabular}
\caption{The same that in Fig.1 but for non-zero spin $s_z=\pm 1$ as a function of magnetic field for lattice volumes $16^4$ and $18^4$, lattice spacings $a=0.115, \mbox{fm}$ and $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$ and various bare quark masses.}
\label{fig:mrho_B2_s1}
\end{center}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[htb]
\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{cc}
\includegraphics[height=3.6in, angle=-90]{ch_SU3_ro_meson_B2_S0.eps}
\end{tabular}
\caption{The ground state energy of the charged vector meson $\rho^{-}$ with zero spin $s_z=0$ as a function of magnetic field for $16^4$ and $18^4$ lattices, $a=0.105,\mbox{fm}$, $a=0.115,\mbox{fm}$ and $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$ and various bare quark masses.}
\label{fig:ch_mrho_B2_s0}
\end{center}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[htb]
\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{cc}
\includegraphics[height=3.3in, angle=-90]{ch_SU3_ro_meson_B2_S-1_Chernodub.eps}
\end{tabular}
\caption{The same that in Fig.3 but for $\rho^-$ meson with spin $s_z= -1$ versus the field value for lattice volumes $16^4$ and $18^4$, lattice spacings $a=0.105,\mbox{fm}$, $a=0.115,\mbox{fm}$ and $0.125\ \mbox{fm}$ and various bare quark masses. Fits are made for the $18^4$ lattice volume; solid line corresponds to the $a=0.105\ \mbox{fm}$ lattice spacing, dot dashed line is for $0.115\ \mbox{fm}$, dashed line is for $a=0.125\ \mbox{fm}$.}
\label{fig:ch_mrho_B2_s-1}
\end{center}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[htb]
\begin{center}
\begin{tabular}{cc}
\includegraphics[height=3.3in, angle=-90]{ch_SU3_ro_meson_B2_S+1_Chernodub.eps}
\end{tabular}
\caption{The same that in Fig.4 but for spin projection $s_z= +1$ versus the magnetic field value.}
\label{fig:fig:ch_mrho_B2_s+1}
\end{center}
\end{figure}
The results are in qualitative agreement with the calculations made in the $SU(2)$ lattice gauge theory in our previous work \cite{Luschevskaya}.
The energy levels of free charged pointlike particle in a background magnetic field parallel to $z$ axis
\begin{equation}
E^2=p^2_z+(2n+1)|qB|-gs_zqB+m^2(B=0),
\label{Landaulevels}
\end{equation}
where $p$ is the momentum, $n$ is the number of energy level, $g$-factor characterizes magnetic properties of the particle, $q$ is the charge of the particle,
$m^2(B=0)$ is the particle mass at $B=0$. In our case $p=0$, $n=0$ and $g$ and $m^2(B=0)$ are the parameters of the fitting function.
This equation doesn't take into account polarizabilities of the particle and has not be valid at very large magnetic fields. The large fields at first sight do not manifest tachyonic mode although this requires further investigation.
Fig.\ref{fig:ch_mrho_B2_s0} depicts the mass of charged vector $\rho$ meson with $s_z=0$.
We cannot distinguish negative and positive vector $\rho$ mesons on the lattice because the exchange of the particle charge to the opposite is equivalent to the exchange of $B$ to $-B$ which gives the same masses for $s_z=0$. This is in accordance with \eq{Landaulevels}.
We make a fit $E=\sqrt{a+eB}$ of the data for $18^4$ lattice volume and $a=0.105$ fm lattice spacing, $a=m^2(B=0)$ is a fit parameter. In spite of lack of statistics the data agree with the fit.
We shows the energies of charged $\rho^{-}$ with spin projections $s_z=-1$ and $s_z=+1$ in Figs. \ref{fig:ch_mrho_B2_s-1} and \ref{fig:fig:ch_mrho_B2_s+1} correspondingly.
The energy of the $\rho^{-}$ ground state with $s_z=-1$ decreases with the field value.
The data agree with fit $E=\sqrt{(1-a)eB+b}$ for $eB \in [0,0.6\ GeV^2]$, at large magnetic field field the decrease became slower. We consider this effect as the result of non-zero polarizability of charged $\rho$ meson.
The energy of $\rho^{-}$ ground state with $s_z=+1$ increases with the field value. The function $E=\sqrt{(1+a)eB+b}$ gives the excellent fits for the all presented data.
During calculations we are limited to a small lattice spacing and therefore we can not explore too large values of the magnetic fields. As a result of simple estimates we obtain the value of the magnetic field $2.9\ \mbox{GeV}^2$ for lattice spacing $a=0.115\ \mbox{fm}$ and $2.5\ Gev^2$ for $a=0.125\ \mbox{fm}$, when the lattice spacing effects have to become appreciable.
\section{Conclusions}
We explore the behaviour of the masses of vector $\rho$ in $SU(3)$ lattice gauge theory.
We found that masses of neutral vector $\rho^0$ mesons with zero and non-zero spin projection on the direction of the magnetic field differ from each other. Masses with $s_z=0$ decrease with increasing magnetic field, while the masses with $s_z=\pm 1$ increase under the same conditions. We consider this phenomenon as a result of the anisotropy produced by the strong magnetic field. We did not find condensation of neutral mesons, i.e. any indications of the existence of a phase of superfluidity in the confinement phase.
The masses of charged $\rho$ mesons cohere with the behaviour of Landau levels at not very large magnetic fields.
We didn't observe some evidences in favour of condensation of charged vector mesons in the considered range of fields. Condensation of charged $\rho$ mesons might indicate the existence of superconductivity in QCD at high magnetic fields.
The existence of a superconducting phase in QCD at high values of the magnetic field B ~\cite{Chernodub:2010} is still a hot topic for discussions.
\section{Acknowledgments}
This work was carried out with the financial support of Grant of President MK-6264.2014.2 and FRRC grant of Rosatom SAEC and Helmholtz Assotiation. The authors are grateful to FAIR-ITEP supercomputer center where these numerical calculations were performed.
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
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{"url":"https:\/\/thestuffedbakedpotatofactory.com\/risotto-rice-qtb\/qqcjqm.php?id=8c0198-transpose-of-a-3x3-matrix","text":"Top\n2 Dec\n\n## transpose of a 3x3 matrix\n\nShare with:\n\nTranspose of a matrix A is defined as - A T ij = A ji; Where 1 \u2264 i \u2264 m and 1 \u2264 j \u2264 n. Logic to find transpose of a matrix. Below is the step by step descriptive logic to find transpose of a matrix. If the matrix is equal to its negative of the transpose, the matrix is a skew symmetric. Free matrix transpose calculator - calculate matrix transpose step-by-step This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Your email address will not be published. I'll try to color code it as best as I can. Following is a short and easy solution to perform this task and complete source code is also available. Transpose. Check the Given Matrix is Invertible. The transpose of a matrix is a new matrix that is obtained by exchanging the rows and columns. Let\u2019s understand it by an example what if looks like after the transpose. Check the Given Matrix is Invertible. This can be proved if its determinant is non zero. 3 x 3 square matrix : $$B = \\begin{pmatrix} 2 & 7 & 3 \\\\ 7& 9 &4 \\\\ 3 & 4 &7 \\end{pmatrix}$$ What is the Transpose of a Matrix? So if X is a 3x2 matrix, X' will be a 2x3 matrix. So, it will enter into second for loop. If the determinant of the given matrix is zero, then there is no inverse for the given matrix. Inverse of a matrix A is the reverse of it, represented as A-1.Matrices, when multiplied by its inverse will give a resultant identity matrix. Dimension also changes to the opposite. Initialize a 2D array to work as matrix. Thus,\u00a0$$A^{-1} =\\begin{bmatrix} 1 & 0 &5 \\\\ 2 & 1 & 6\\\\ 3 & 4 & 0 \\end{bmatrix}$$, Now, we have to find the determinants of each and every 2\u00d72 minor matrices. Inverse of a matrix A is the reverse of it, represented as A-1.Matrices, when multiplied by its inverse will give a resultant identity matrix. Converting rows of a matrix into columns and columns of a matrix into row is called transpose of a matrix. Swap two numbers without using a third variable in C++, C++ program for Array Representation Of Binary Heap, C++ Program to replace a word with asterisks in a sentence, Initialize an integer array (2D) variable \u201c. It is written and successfully compiled in CodeBlocks v 16.01 in windows 10. Let\u2019s say you have original matrix something like - x = [[1,2][3,4][5,6]] In above matrix \u201cx\u201d we have two columns, containing 1, 3, 5 and 2, 4, 6. If the matrix is equal to its transpose, then the matrix is symmetric. By using this website, you agree to our Cookie Policy. The inverse of a matrix cannot be evaluated by calculators and using shortcuts will be inappropriate. By using this website, you agree to our Cookie Policy. A transpose of a doubly indexed object is the object obtained by replacing all elements with .For a second-tensor rank tensor, the tensor transpose is simply .The matrix transpose, most commonly written , is the matrix obtained by exchanging \u2026 We should practice problems to understand the concept. 3x3 identity matrices involves 3 rows and 3 columns. transpose of a matrix in C : Transpose of a mxn (3x3) matrix can be obtained by interchanging the rows and columns in C using pointers and dynamic memory allocation. det (A) = 1. This square of matrix calculator is designed to calculate the squared value of both 2x2 and 3x3 matrix. A new matrix is obtained the following way: each [i, j] element of the new matrix gets the value of the [j, i] element of the original one. Circular Matrix (Construct a matrix with numbers 1 to m*n in spiral way) Count frequency of k in a matrix of size n where matrix(i, j) = i+j; Check if it is possible to make the given matrix increasing matrix or not; Check if matrix can be converted to another matrix by transposing square sub-matrices Transpose of a matrix A is defined as - A T ij = A ji; Where 1 \u2264 i \u2264 m and 1 \u2264 j \u2264 n. Logic to find transpose of a matrix. Print the initial values using nested for loop. In this case, the first row becomes the first column, and the second row becomes the second column and so on. Let's do B now. B = transpose(A) Description. Suppose, take an example of a 2 x 2 matrix. Another way to look at the transpose is that the element at row r column c in the original is placed at row c column r of the transpose. I already defined A. det (A) = 1. In many areas such as electronic circuits, optics, quantum mechanics, computer graphics, probability and statistics etc, matrix is used to study. First, find the determinant of 3\u00a0\u00d7 3Matrix and then find it\u2019s minor, cofactors and adjoint and insert the results in the Inverse Matrix formula given below: M = $$\\begin{bmatrix} a & b &c \\\\ d& e &f \\\\ g& h &i \\end{bmatrix}$$. Above For loop is used to Transpose of a Matrix a[2][3] and placing in b. Transpose of that matrix in calculated by using following logic, Print the matrix using the same logic as in point no.3. This page provides different ways of finding transpose of a matrix in C using pointers. So let's say I have the matrix. To add two matrices, you can make use of numpy.array() and add them using the (+) operator. MATLAB Matrix: Inverse, Transpose, and Identity Matrix and Extracting Elements The Transpose MATLAB Function. Thus, the inverse of the given matrix is: Register at BYJU\u2019S and download its app, to learn other interesting mathematical concepts with detailed explanation. This square of matrix calculator is designed to calculate the squared value of both 2x2 and 3x3 matrix. Please support my work on Patreon: https:\/\/www.patreon.com\/engineer4free This tutorial shows how to transpose a matrix. For every m\u00d7m square matrix there exist an inverse of it. If the determinant of the given matrix is zero, then there is no inverse for the given matrix. 3x3 identity matrices involves 3 rows and 3 columns. Any m x m square matrix M, which has zero determinant always has an inverse M-1. User can select either 2x2 matrix or 3x3 matrix for which the squared matrix to be calculated. Table of Contents. Data Types: double. And these roots, we already know one of them. A matrix \u201cM\u201d is said to be the transpose of a matrix if the rows and columns of a matrix are interchanged. det (A) = 1(0-24) -2(0-20) + 3(0-5) det(A) = -24 +40-15. Extract Data from a Matrix. The transpose has some important properties, and they allow easier manipulation of matrices. Elements of the matrix are the numbers which make up the matrix. A 3 x 3 matrix has 3 rows and 3 columns. For Example: Consider a 3x3 matrix Free matrix transpose calculator - calculate matrix transpose step-by-step This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience. Let's say B. does not affect the sign of the imaginary parts. Here is a matrix and its transpose: The superscript \"T\" means \"transpose\". It is mostly true for all the square matrix and is given by MM-1 = M-1M =Im, The steps to find the inverse of 3 by 3 matrix. ; Declare another matrix of same size as of A, to store transpose of matrix say B.; To iterate through each element of matrix run two loops. And all of that equals 0. To find the Inverse of a 3 by 3 Matrix is a little critical job but can be evaluated by following few steps. Store values in it. Let\u2019s see what are the steps to find Inverse. The transpose of a matrix A is a matrix, denoted A' or A T, whose rows are the columns of A and whose columns are the rows of A \u2014 all in the same order. This page provides different ways of finding transpose of a matrix in C using pointers. All the corresponding rows and columns are interchanged using nested for loop. collapse all in page. It is represented by M-1. From the above screenshot, the user inserted values for transpose of a matrix in C example are a[2][3] = { {15, 25, 35}, { 45, 55, 65} } Row First Iteration The value of row will be 0, and the condition (0 < 2) is True. Input matrix, specified as a 3-by-3 matrix, in initial acceleration units. It has a property as follows: In the above property, I2 represents the m x m matrix. If A contains complex elements, then A.' How to Transpose a Matrix: 11 Steps (with Pictures) - wikiHow The 'transpose' of a matrix is often referenced, but what does is mean? The Conjugate Transpose of a Matrix. Transpose a matrix means we\u2019re turning its columns into its rows. If the determinant is 0, the matrix has no inverse. The transpose of a matrix is defined as a matrix formed my interchanging all rows with their corresponding column and vice versa of previous matrix. expand all. The matrix operation that can be done is addition, subtraction, multiplication, transpose, reading the rows, columns of a matrix, slicing the matrix, etc. Now, to create the adjoint or the adjugated matrix, reverse the sign of the alternating terms as shown below: The obtained matrix is\u00a0$$A = \\begin{bmatrix} -24&-18 &5 \\\\ -20& -15 &4 \\\\ -5 & -4 & 1 \\end{bmatrix}$$, Adj (A) =\u00a0$$\\begin{bmatrix} -24&-18 &5 \\\\ -20& -15 &4 \\\\ -5 & -4 & 1 \\end{bmatrix}\\times \\begin{bmatrix}+ &- &+ \\\\ -& + & -\\\\ +&- & + \\end{bmatrix}$$, Adj (A) =$$\\begin{bmatrix} -24&18 &5 \\\\ 20& -15 &-4 \\\\ -5 & 4 & 1 \\end{bmatrix}$$. example. Input elements in matrix A from user. This problem is based on the application of array which has many applications. But actually taking the transpose of an actual matrix, with actual numbers, shouldn't be too difficult. This can be proved if its determinant is non zero. In this program, the user is asked to enter the number of rows r and columns c. Their values should be less than 10 in this program. The operation of taking the transpose is an involution (self-inverse). The algorithm of matrix transpose is pretty simple. From the above screenshot, the user inserted values for transpose of a matrix in C example are a[2][3] = { {15, 25, 35}, { 45, 55, 65} } Row First Iteration The value of row will be 0, and the condition (0 < 2) is True. B = A.' Circular Matrix (Construct a matrix with numbers 1 to m*n in spiral way) Count frequency of k in a matrix of size n where matrix(i, j) = i+j; Check if it is possible to make the given matrix increasing matrix or not; Check if matrix can be converted to another matrix by transposing square sub-matrices Required fields are marked *. Let's see a simple example to transpose a matrix \u2026 Following is the program code to\u00a0find trace and normal of a matrix. There is a matrix of size 3\u00d73 ( 2D array). Next, transpose the matrix by rewriting the first row as the first column, the middle row as the middle column, and the third row as the third column. For Example: Consider a 3x3 matrix C program to find transpose of a matrix. =.Note that the order of the factors reverses. Here are a couple of ways to accomplish this in Python. Transpose and Inverse. det (A) = 1(0-24) -2(0-20) + 3(0-5) det(A) = -24 +40-15. It sure has an algebraic interpretation but I do not know if that could be expressed in just a few words. Find the transpose of that matrix. Definition. Transpose of a matrix is the interchanging of rows and columns. Also, some important transpose matrices are defined based on their characteristics. This can be proved if its determinant is non zero. The element at ith row and jth column in X will be placed at jth row and ith column in X'. In many areas such as electronic circuits, optics, quantum mechanics, computer graphics, probability and statistics etc, matrix is used to study. So, it will enter into second for loop. For example if you transpose a 'n' x 'm' size matrix you'll get a \u2026 So, let's start with the 2 by 2 case. It is denoted as X'. Definition. For related equations, see Algorithms. The element a rc of the original matrix becomes element a cr in the transposed matrix. Dimension also changes to the opposite. 3 x 3 square matrix : $$B = \\begin{pmatrix} 2 & 7 & 3 \\\\ 7& 9 &4 \\\\ 3 & 4 &7 \\end{pmatrix}$$ What is the Transpose of a Matrix? The transpose of a matrix is defined as a matrix formed my interchanging all rows with their corresponding column and vice versa of previous matrix. Let\u2019s say you have the following matrix: Below is a 2x2 matrix like it is used in complex multiplication. Consider the following example-Problem approach. Now, substitute the value of det (A) and the adj (A) in the formula: A-1 = (1\/1)$$\\begin{bmatrix} -24&18 &5 \\\\ 20& -15 &-4 \\\\ -5 & 4 & 1 \\end{bmatrix}$$. The Conjugate Transpose of a Matrix. The Conjugate Transpose of a Matrix Fold Unfold. Sometimes, you will have to extract a row or a column from a matrix. User can select either 2x2 matrix or 3x3 matrix for which the squared matrix to be calculated. The Adjoint of 3x3 Matrix block computes the adjoint matrix for the input matrix. Then, the user is asked to enter the elements of the matrix (of order r*c). The adjugate of A is the transpose of the cofactor matrix C of A, \u2061 =. Matrices are array of numbers or values represented in rows and columns. Transpose of the matrix: 1 3 5 2 4 6 When we transpose a matrix, its order changes, but for a square matrix, it remains the same. The adjugate of A is the transpose of the cofactor matrix C of A, \u2061 =. Input. Learn to make a basic function first, then think about how you transpose a matrix using pencil and paper, then try to write it in R, then if you get stuck, come back here and \u2026 B is equal to the matrix 1, 2, 3, 4. transpose of a matrix in C : Transpose of a mxn (3x3) matrix can be obtained by interchanging the rows and columns in C using pointers and dynamic memory allocation. The algorithm of matrix transpose is pretty simple. Thus, we can say that the given matrix has an inverse matrix. Above For loop is used to Transpose of a Matrix a[2][3] and placing in b. Thus, we can say that the given matrix has an inverse matrix. Now take the transpose of the given 3\u00d73 matrix. Find transpose by using logic. To find the inverse of a 3x3 matrix, first calculate the determinant of the matrix. Let's say I defined A. A singular matrix is the one in which the determinant is not equal to zero. Thus, we can say that the given matrix has an inverse matrix. Java Program to transpose matrix. For example if you transpose a 'n' x 'm' size matrix you'll get a \u2026 (+) = +.The transpose respects addition. nxn transpose matrix calculator, formulas, real world and practice problems to learn how to convert the matrix A to transpose matrix A^t by interchanging rows and columns of 3x3, 3x2, 2x3, 3x1, 1x3, 2x2, 2x1 and 1x2 matrices. ; Declare another matrix of same size as of A, to store transpose of matrix say B.; To iterate through each element of matrix run two loops. In this C++ program, we are going to find the transpose of a given matrix in place with simple array commands and nested loop. B = A.' Port_1 \u2014 Input matrix 3-by-3 matrix. A matrix \u201cM\u201d is said to be the transpose of a matrix if the rows and columns of a matrix are interchanged. A new matrix is obtained the following way: each [i, j] element of the new matrix gets the value of the [j, i] element of the original one. Below is the step by step descriptive logic to find transpose of a matrix. Input elements in matrix A from user. ... % identity square matrix 3x3. Ports. We know that 3 is a root and actually, this tells us 3 is a root as well. Your email address will not be published. So the possible eigenvalues of our matrix A, our 3 by 3 matrix A that we had way up there-- this matrix A right there-- the possible eigenvalues are: lambda is equal to 3 or lambda is equal to minus 3. Transpose vector or matrix. Syntax. Anyway, I rather do a couple of examples to find out what the pattern is. returns the nonconjugate transpose of A, that is, interchanges the row and column index for each element. In this case, the first row becomes the first column, and the second row becomes the second column and so on. Matrices are array of numbers or values represented in rows and columns. If the determinant of the given matrix is zero, then there is no inverse for the given matrix. 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To find the transpose of a matrix, the rows of the matrix are written as the new columns of the transposed matrix. Ensure you get the best experience transpose a matrix, in initial units... Imaginary parts can not be evaluated by calculators and using shortcuts will be inappropriate allow manipulation... With the 2 by 2 case acceleration units \u2019 s say you have the following matrix: inverse transpose. Steps to find transpose of a, \u2061 = first column, and they allow easier manipulation matrices... Written as the new columns of a matrix means we \u2019 re turning its columns its. Complex elements, then there is no inverse a 3x2 matrix, as! Few words descriptive logic to find out what the pattern is ' of matrix! Tells us 3 is a matrix if the determinant of the given matrix has 3 rows and columns of matrix! That is obtained by exchanging the rows and 3 columns take the transpose has some important transpose matrices defined. Be calculated know one of them to find inverse represented in rows and columns of a, is! That the given matrix is often referenced, but what does is mean complete source code is also available 1! Becomes element a cr in the above property, I2 represents the m X m matrix of... A root and actually, this tells us 3 is a little critical job but be... Know one of them, this tells us 3 is a new matrix that is, interchanges the row jth... Involution ( self-inverse ) be proved if its determinant is non zero which has many applications to the... Its columns into its rows to our Cookie Policy ) operator is often referenced but. Logic as in point no.3 CodeBlocks v 16.01 in windows 10 identity matrices involves 3 rows and columns a... And placing in b by 3 matrix has 3 rows and columns of the of., this tells us 3 is a matrix \u201c m \u201d is transpose of a 3x3 matrix to be the transpose of a...., 4 T '' means transpose '' of 3x3 matrix Here is skew. Means transpose '' transpose '' for which the squared matrix to be the transpose an! By 2 case square matrix m, which has many applications the given 3\u00d73 matrix is mean Here are couple... Enter into second for loop in rows and 3 columns, I2 represents the m X m matrix... Matrix 1, 2, 3, 4 by 3 matrix is the one in the. A 2x2 matrix like it is used to transpose a matrix \u2026.... Matlab matrix: inverse, transpose, and the second column and on! But what does is mean for the given matrix is equal to zero are written as the new columns a... ) operator so, it will enter into second for loop is used to transpose of a, \u2061.. 2 by 2 case code is also available 3, 4 at ith row and column index for each.. Operation of taking the transpose, we can say that the given matrix is a matrix are.! 2 case problem is based on the application of array which has zero determinant always has an interpretation... We \u2019 re turning its columns into its rows the following matrix: inverse, transpose the! Using pointers first row becomes the second column and transpose of a 3x3 matrix on matrix in C using pointers can use! Critical job but can be proved if its determinant is not equal to its of. [ 2 ] [ 3 ] and placing in b, I2 represents m! There exist an inverse of a matrix means we \u2019 re turning transpose of a 3x3 matrix columns into its.... For which the determinant is non zero 3 by 3 matrix has rows! Our Cookie Policy are interchanged step descriptive logic to find out what the pattern is in.! 3 is a new matrix that is obtained by exchanging the rows and.. The elements of the transposed matrix m\u00d7m square matrix there exist an inverse matrix is involution. Second row becomes the first column, and they allow easier manipulation of matrices columns are.! Now take the transpose of a matrix, X ' will be inappropriate first row becomes second! Any m X m matrix 3, 4 windows 10 elements, then there no! And jth column in X will be a 2x3 matrix asked to enter the elements of the given matrix an... Normal of a matrix \u201c m \u201d is said to be calculated ) and add using! This page provides different ways of finding transpose of a matrix if the determinant the... Columns and columns transpose matrices are array of numbers or values represented in rows and columns example what looks... Logic as in point no.3 C using pointers interchanged using nested for is! Said to be the transpose, and the second row becomes the second column so! Make use of numpy.array ( ) and add them using the ( + ).... The 2 by 2 case to enter the elements of the given 3\u00d73 matrix and easy solution to perform task... Color code it as transpose of a 3x3 matrix as I can looks like after the transpose of a, \u2061.! Are a couple of ways to accomplish this in Python which make up matrix. Or values represented in rows and columns are interchanged [ 3 ] and placing in b a as. Print the matrix has an inverse M-1 matrix there exist an inverse matrix to be the is. This website, you agree to our Cookie Policy there is a and... To add two matrices, you will have to extract a row or a column from a matrix equal zero... X is a matrix \u2026 transpose transpose is an involution ( self-inverse ) s see what the! Matrix there exist an inverse matrix ith column in X ' the sign the... Can select either 2x2 matrix like it is written and successfully compiled in CodeBlocks v 16.01 in 10. At jth row and jth column in X will be a 2x3 matrix exist an M-1... Block computes the Adjoint matrix for which the squared matrix to be the transpose a. Represents the m X m square matrix there exist an inverse M-1 columns of a 3 3... This case, the matrix is zero, then the matrix code is also available: Consider a matrix. My work on Patreon: https: \/\/www.patreon.com\/engineer4free this tutorial shows how to transpose a matrix it as as... Are the numbers which make up the matrix are written as the new columns of matrix! Take the transpose of the given matrix has no inverse for the input matrix sometimes, will! M matrix are interchanged and so on step by step descriptive logic to find the inverse of it transpose matrix... Ensure you get the best experience the one in which the squared matrix be. Block computes the Adjoint matrix for which the squared matrix to be calculated work on Patreon: https: this... This square of matrix calculator is designed to calculate the squared matrix to be the transpose of a matrix equal... The cofactor matrix C of a 3 X 3 matrix is a matrix not... M square matrix m, which has zero determinant always has an inverse matrix given matrix! Code is also available the same logic as in point no.3 square matrix m, which zero. We \u2019 re turning its columns into its rows 2 by 2 case these..., transpose, and the second row becomes the second row becomes the second column so... If that could be expressed in just a few words row is called of. Is no inverse given transpose of a 3x3 matrix matrix original matrix becomes element a cr in the above property I2... The nonconjugate transpose of a matrix can not be evaluated by calculators using. Into row is called transpose of a matrix using the ( + ) operator often. And its transpose, then there is no inverse for the input matrix of! Into row is called transpose of a matrix code to transpose of a 3x3 matrix transpose of a matrix is,! 2 matrix the 2 by 2 case step-by-step this website, you can use. And jth column in X transpose of a 3x3 matrix this task and complete source code is also available for each.., some important properties, and the second row becomes the first,... To enter the elements of the given matrix has no inverse couple of ways to this. A, \u2061 =, in initial acceleration units, 4 the squared value of both and! The same logic as in point no.3 - calculate matrix transpose calculator - calculate transpose! Out what the pattern is inverse M-1 a 2x2 matrix or 3x3 matrix computes... We know that 3 is a matrix that could be expressed in just a few words interchanging of rows columns. M\u00d7M square matrix there exist an inverse matrix website, you can make use of (... The above property, I2 represents the m X m square matrix exist. T '' means transpose '' important properties, and they allow easier manipulation of matrices transpose. Involves 3 rows and columns of a matrix initial acceleration units so if X is a new that. We already know one of them find trace and normal of a 3 X matrix! Descriptive logic to find transpose of a matrix are interchanged ] and placing in b following matrix inverse! Elements of the cofactor matrix C of a matrix into row is called transpose the. Complex elements, then there is no inverse for the input matrix, first calculate the determinant of the matrix. A is the transpose of the imaginary parts a, \u2061 = \u2019 re turning columns. Matlab Function can not be evaluated by calculators and using shortcuts will be a matrix!\n\nShare with:","date":"2021-10-25 14:46:47","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 1, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.6025264859199524, \"perplexity\": 607.9155067568051}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 20, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2021-43\/segments\/1634323587711.69\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20211025123123-20211025153123-00621.warc.gz\"}"}
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using System;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using System.Linq;
using System.Text;
using System.Web.UI.WebControls;
using System.Configuration;
using System.IO;
using System.Data;
using System.Xml;
namespace Infrastructure.Util
{
/// <summary>
/// XMLControl 的摘要说明
/// </summary>
public class XMLControl
{
protected string strXMLFile;
protected XmlDocument objXMLDoc = new XmlDocument();
public XMLControl(string XMLFile)
{
//
// TODO: 在這裡加入建構函式的程式碼
//
try
{
objXMLDoc.Load(XMLFile);
}
catch (System.Exception ex)
{
throw ex;
}
finally
{
strXMLFile = XMLFile;
}
}
public void Replace(string id, string name, string imageurl, string alterurl, string DataBase, string DataBaseCotent)
{
XmlNode objRootNode = objXMLDoc.DocumentElement;
XmlNode objChildNode;
objChildNode = objRootNode.SelectSingleNode("descendant::Type[id='" + id + "']");
objChildNode.SelectSingleNode("name").InnerText = name;
objChildNode.SelectSingleNode("imageurl").InnerText = imageurl;
objChildNode.SelectSingleNode("alterurl").InnerText = alterurl;
objChildNode.SelectSingleNode("DataBase").InnerText = DataBase;
objChildNode.SelectSingleNode("DataBaseCotent").InnerText = DataBaseCotent;
Save();
}
/// <summary>
/// 根據ID刪除一個節點。
/// </summary>
/// <param name="Node"></param>
public void Delete(string TypeID)
{
XmlNode root = objXMLDoc.DocumentElement;
root.RemoveChild(objXMLDoc.SelectSingleNode("descendant::Type[id='" + TypeID + "']"));
Save();
}
public void InsertNode(string id, string name, string imageurl, string alterurl, string DataBase, string DataBaseCotent)
{
XmlNode objRootNode = objXMLDoc.DocumentElement;
XmlElement objChildNode = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("Type");
objRootNode.AppendChild(objChildNode);
XmlElement objElement1 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("id");
objElement1.InnerText = id;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement1);
XmlElement objElement2 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("name");
objElement2.InnerText = name;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement2);
XmlElement objElement3 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("imageurl");
objElement3.InnerText = imageurl;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement3);
XmlElement objElement4 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("alterurl");
objElement4.InnerText = alterurl;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement4);
XmlElement objElement5 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("DataBase");
objElement5.InnerText = DataBase;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement5);
XmlElement objElement6 = objXMLDoc.CreateElement("DataBaseCotent");
objElement6.InnerText = DataBaseCotent;
objChildNode.AppendChild(objElement6);
Save();
}
public string GetContent(string ByElementName, string ByElementContent, string GetElementName)
{
XmlNode objRootNode = objXMLDoc.SelectSingleNode("descendant::Type[" + ByElementName + "='" + ByElementContent + "']");
return objRootNode.SelectSingleNode(GetElementName).InnerText;
}
public void BindDDL_Data(DropDownList DDL)
{
DataSet objDataSet = new DataSet();
objDataSet.ReadXml(strXMLFile);
DataTable DT = objDataSet.Tables["table"].Clone();
//DT=objDataSet.Tables["table"]
List<DataRow> drs = objDataSet.Tables["table"].Select("content <> ''").ToList();
for (int i = 0; i < drs.Count; i++)
{
DT.ImportRow(drs[i]);
}
DDL.DataSource = DT;
DDL.DataTextField = DT.Columns[1].ColumnName.ToString();
DDL.DataValueField = DT.Columns[0].ColumnName.ToString();
DDL.DataBind();
DDL.Items.Insert(0, new ListItem("请选择", ""));
DDL.SelectedIndex = 0;
}
/// <summary>
/// 保存文檔。
/// </summary>
public void Save()
{
try
{
objXMLDoc.Save(strXMLFile);
}
catch (System.Exception ex)
{
throw ex;
}
objXMLDoc = null;
}
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 245
|
Conchotopoda is een geslacht van rechtvleugeligen uit de familie sabelsprinkhanen (Tettigoniidae). De wetenschappelijke naam van dit geslacht is voor het eerst geldig gepubliceerd in 1887 door Karsch.
Soorten
Het geslacht Conchotopoda omvat de volgende soorten:
Conchotopoda belcki Karsch, 1887
Conchotopoda brunneri Kirby, 1900
Conchotopoda coelebs Carl, 1914
Conchotopoda crassicauda Ragge, 1960
Conchotopoda grallatoria Stål, 1857
Conchotopoda leptocerca Stål, 1876
Conchotopoda parva Ragge, 1960
Conchotopoda vespertilio Carl, 1914
Sabelsprinkhanen
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaWikipedia"
}
| 6,580
|
{"url":"http:\/\/www.aerodynamics4students.com\/subsonic-aerofoil-and-wing-theory\/subsonic-compressibility-corrections.php","text":"### SUBSONIC COMPRESSIBILITY CORRECTIONS\n\nPotential flow solutions in two and three dimensions give accurate results for aerofoil and wing analysis provided the flow Mach number is less that 0.4. In this low subsonic region the flow is incompressible so that no density variations need to be considered in the governing equations. For higher Mach numbers the density does change, so an extra variable is introduced into the governing equations. The usual conservation of mass equation for two dimensional flow then becomes,\n\n$${\u2202\u03c1u}\/{\u2202x}+{\u2202\u03c1v}\/{\u2202y}=0$$\n\nWith an extra unknown, an extra governing equation must be invoked to obtain a solution, so the conservation of momentum equation (Euler equ.) is added,\n\n$$u{\u2202u}\/{\u2202x}+v{\u2202u}\/{\u2202y}=-1\/\u03c1{\u2202P}\/{\u2202x}$$\n$$u{\u2202v}\/{\u2202x}+v{\u2202v}\/{\u2202y}=-1\/\u03c1{\u2202P}\/{\u2202y}$$\n\nAs momentum is a directional quantity, this produces two gradient equations. The flow is still assumed to be inviscid and these equations represent the change of flow momentum in a given direction due to the pressure forces in that direction.\n\nThis system of equations can be solved using complex numerical schemes (CFD) but as high speed aerofoil and wing flow is dominated by the stream direction with only small perturbations from this direction, simplifying assumptions can be made to convert the equations to a simple incompressible flow solution method.\n\nThe properties of air can be assumed to be a perfect, isentropic gas, $P=\u03c1RT$ (perfect gas law) and with a disturbance speed of $a=\u221a{\u03b3RT}$ (speed of sound in air). From the application of these isentropic flow conditions , $P\/\u03c1^\u03b3 = \\text\"constant\"$ , the following gas dynamic relation (see section on Gasdynamics - Speed of Sound) can be applied,\n\n$${\u2202P}\/{\u2202\u03c1}=a^2$$\n\nThe terms of the continuity equation and the pressure gradient components of the Euler equation can be expanded as,\n\n$${\u2202P}\/{\u2202x}={\u2202P}\/{\u2202\u03c1}{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202x}=a^2{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202x}$$\n$${\u2202P}\/{\u2202y}={\u2202P}\/{\u2202\u03c1}{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202y}=a^2{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202y}$$\n$${\u2202\u03c1u}\/{\u2202x}=u{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202x}+\u03c1{\u2202u}\/{\u2202x}$$\n$${\u2202\u03c1v}\/{\u2202y}=v{\u2202\u03c1}\/{\u2202y}+\u03c1{\u2202v}\/{\u2202y}$$\n\nSubstituting these terms into the continuity equation,and dividing by density, gives,\n\n$${\u2202u}\/{\u2202x}-u^2\/a^2{\u2202u}\/{\u2202x}-{uv}\/a^2{\u2202u}\/{\u2202y}+{\u2202v}\/{\u2202y}-v^2\/a^2{\u2202v}\/{\u2202y}-{uv}\/a^2{\u2202v}\/{\u2202x}=0$$\n\nas the flow is inviscid and hence irrotational,\n\n$${\u2202v}\/{\u2202x}-{\u2202u}\/{\u2202y} =0$$\n\nhence continuity simplifies to,\n\n$${\u2202u}\/{\u2202x}(1-u^2\/a^2)-2{uv}\/a^2{\u2202u}\/{\u2202y}+{\u2202v}\/{\u2202y}(1-v^2\/a^2)=0$$\n\nAssuming that the stream velocity, $V_\u221e$, dominates the flow, then this allows the definition of perturbation velocities, u' and v' such that\n\n$$u=V_\u221e+u^'\\text\" and \"v=v^'$$\n\nwhere the prime values represent only small directional disturbances to the stream velocity. Substituting this definition into the continuity equation gives,\n\n$${\u2202u^'}\/{\u2202x}(1-{(V_\u221e+u^')^2}\/a^2)-2{(V_\u221e+u^')v^'}\/a^2{\u2202u^'}\/{\u2202y}+{\u2202v'}\/{\u2202y}(1-{v^{'2}}\/a^2)=0$$\n\nIf only terms of primary magnitude are kept,\n\n$${\u2202u^'}\/{\u2202x}(1-V_\u221e^2\/a^2)+{\u2202v^'}\/{\u2202y} = 0$$\n\nand if the analysis is extended to three dimensions,\n\n$${\u2202u^'}\/{\u2202x}(1-M_\u221e^2)+{\u2202v^'}\/{\u2202y}+{\u2202w^'}\/{\u2202z}=0$$\n\nThis is similar in form to the original governing continuity equation for incompressible flow but with an additional multiplier on the x-direction component. Its solution can be obtained in a similar fashion to the incompressible flow solution procedure.\n\nA perturbation velocity potential $\u03c6^'$ can be defined such that,\n\n$${\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202x}=u^'\\text\" , \"{\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202y}=v^'\\text\" , \"{\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202z}=w^'$$\n\nand on substitution the governing equation becomes,\n\n$$(1-M_\u221e^2){\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202x^2}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202y^2}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202z^2} =0$$\n\nWithout the constant multiplier for the x-direction gradient, this equation would be exactly the same as the potential flow governing equation. A simple solution technique is to apply a geometric scaling transform to the x-direction so that the multiplier is canceled in the second flow field and the solution for the new geometry will be carried out using just potential flow.\n\nThe transform scaling multiplier will be $\u03b2=1-M_\u221e^2$. This will be applied to x-dirn only. The transformed geometry will be $x^'=x\/\u03b2\\text\", \"y^'=y\\text\" and \"z^'=z$. This will lead to a new geometry with the same thickness and span but a longer chord as the scaling factor is always less than 1.\n\nSubstituting into the governing compressible flow equation gives,\n\n$$\u03b2^2{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202(\u03b2x^')^2}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202y^{'2}}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202z^{2^'}} =0$$\n$${\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202x^{'2}}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202y^{'2}}+{\u2202^2\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202z^{'2}} =0$$\n\nThis standard Laplace equation in perturbation potential for the transformed flow field can be solved using the usual potential flow techniques for aerofoil sections and wings as shown previously in this chapter.\n\nNote that for two dimensional, section solutions, the transformed geometry is just a smaller thickness to chord ratio version of the original geometry. In most cases this can be assumed to have the same incompressible \u201cthin aerofoil\u201d solutions as the original geometry. For three dimensional wings, the new geometry has a reduced aspect ratio so these solutions will need to be predicted separately for this geometry.\n\nIn all cases, inviscid, incompressible flow solutions for velocities $u^'$, $v^'$, $w^'$ and then pressures and forces $Cp^'$, $C_L^'$ ...etc, can be easily found. These then need to be transformed back (inverse transform) to find their equivalent values for the original compressible flow field. For velocity,\n\n$$u^'(x,y,z)={\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202x}$$\n$$u^'(x^',y^',z^')={\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202x^'}={\u2202\u03c6^'}\/{\u2202\u03b2x}$$\n\nthus the horizontal perturbation velocity in the original flow field is scaled by the factor \u03b2 compared to the component in the incompressible flow field. The other component velocities are unchanged.\n\n$$u^'(x,y,z)=1\/\u03b2u^'(x^',y^',z^')$$\n\nTo determine the pressure scaling, a compressible version of the Bernoulli equation (based on conservation of momentum) can be applied along a stream tube flowing over the aerofoil.\n\n$$V_\u221e^2\/2-V^2\/2=\u222b_{P_\u221e}^{P}1\/\u03c1.dP$$\n\nAssuming small perturbation properties,\n\n$$V^2=(V_\u221e+u^')^2+v^{'2}+w^{'2}\u2248V_\u221e^2+2V_\u221eu^'$$\n\nand\n\n$$\u03c1=\u03c1_\u221e+\u03c1^'\u2248\u03c1_\u221e$$\n\nSubstituting and expanding the integration gives,\n\n$$V_\u221e^2\/2-(V_\u221e^2\/2-{2V_\u221eu^'}\/2)={P-P_\u221e}\/\u03c1_\u221e$$\n\nHence the pressure coefficient for the compressible flow will be,\n\n$$Cp={P-P_\u221e}\/{1\/2\u03c1_\u221eV_\u221e^2}=-{2u^'}\/V_\u221e$$\n\nComparing this between the two parts of the transformed flow gives the mapping of pressure coefficient between the two.\n\n$$Cp=-{2u^'(x,y,z)}\/V_\u221e=-1\/\u03b2 {2u^'(x^',y^',z^')}\/V_\u221e={Cp^'}\/\u03b2$$\n\nThe compressible flow field coefficients can be found by scaling the incompressible flow field coefficients by the factor, $1\/\u03b2=1\/\u221a{1-M_\u221e^2}$ .\n\nThe force coefficients will scale in the same manner as the pressure coefficients. Although the lengths are different between the two flow fields, the non-dimensionalising of the length scales will correct for this. In fact, this potential flow result could be generalised to all force coefficients for a subsonic compressible flow, if the incompressible results are known.\n\n$$C_L={C_L(\\text\"incompressible\")}\/\u221a{1-M_\u221e^2}$$\n$$C_D={C_D(\\text\"incompressible\")}\/\u221a{1-M_\u221e^2}$$\n$$C_M={C_M(\\text\"incompressible\")}\/\u221a{1-M_\u221e^2}$$\n\n### Limiting Case, Critical Mach Number.\n\nThis simple compressible flow correction theory works reasonably well up to the point where supersonic flow starts to appear near the surface of the aerofoil section. This will happen before the free-stream becomes supersonic due to the acceleration of the air in the vicinity of the aerofoil. Supersonic flow obeys different physical rules as the flow is moving faster than disturbances can propagate within the gas, (speed of sound) and the assumptions of a simple perturbation theory are no longer are valid. The free-stream Mach number for which supersonic flow first occurs on the wing or section is called the critical Mach number. Not only is this an important limit for theory but also marks the start of transonic flow and the likely-hood of a significant drag rise for the section.\n\nIn order to predict the critical Mach number, the above compressibility correction factor can be combined with standard gas dynamic equations. This is not a linear first order problem so analysis may be a bit difficult.\n\nSample pressure fields for NACA 0012 aerofoil section at 0 deg angle of incidence and a range of subsonic and transonic Mach numbers are shown in the following figure. High pressure is shown as red, low pressure as blue.\n\nCritical Mach number is approx 0.7 for this case. A significant difference in flow structure can be observed between high subsonic flow (0\u21920.65) and transonic flow (0.75\u21921.5).\n\n< br\/> Images produced by DSMC 2-D numerical experiment \u00a9 2008 Auld.\n\nCritical Mach number will vary for aerofoils and wings depending on their angle and camber as this determines the minimum pressure coefficient point, the point at which the local flow is fastest. This will be the point at which the flow first becomes supersonic (M=1).\n\nMinimum pressure coefficient for incompressible flow, Cp' can be found using potential flow techniques. By applying the subsonic correction factor, minimum pressure coefficient for compressible flow can be found,\n\n$$Cp(min)={Cp^'(min)}\/\u221a{1-M_\u221e^2}$$\n\nHowever as speed where M=Mcrit is still unknown, this leads to a complex second order problem.\n\nThe variation of pressure along the stream tube can be used to provide another estimate of Cp. The following is the full gas dynamics equation solution (see Compressible Flow Section \u2013 Isentropic Relations.)\n\n$$P\/P_\u221e=({1+{\u03b3-1}\/2 M_\u221e^2}\/{1+{\u03b3-1}\/2 M^2})^{\u03b3\/{\u03b3-1}}$$\n\nSearch for the point where P=P(min) at M=1, then this corresponds to the condition when free-stream Mach number is Mcrit ,\n\n$$P_{min}\/P_\u221e=({1+{\u03b3-1}\/2 M_{crit}^2}\/{1+{\u03b3-1}\/2})^{\u03b3\/{\u03b3-1}}$$\n\nThus a second expression for CP(min) is,\n\n$$Cp(min)={P_{min}-P_\u221e}\/{1\/2 \u03c1_\u221eV_\u221e^2}={P_{min}-P_\u221e}\/{1\/2\u03b3P_\u221eM_{crit}^2}$$\n$$Cp(min)=2\/{\u03b3M_{crit}^2}(P_{min}\/P_\u221e-1)$$\n\nSubstituting the compressibility correction factor and the above expression for pressure ratio, leads to the following equation.\n\n$${Cp^'(min)}\/\u221a{1-M_{crit}^2}=2\/{\u03b3M_{crit}^2}(({2+(\u03b3-1)M_{crit}^2}\/{\u03b3+1})^{\u03b3\/{\u03b3-1}}-1)$$\n\nGiven a value of the incompressible flow minimum pressure coefficient for a wing or section at set free-stream flow angle, it should theoretically be possible to solve for the critical Mach number of the section at that condition. However as the equation is highly non-linear and difficult to invert, the solution is obtained either by an iterative process or by plotting minimum pressure coefficient versus critical Mach number and using empirical data lookup or curve fitting.\n\nThe following is a plot of minimum incompressible pressure coefficient versus critical Mach number.","date":"2020-10-30 19:39:26","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.7949559092521667, \"perplexity\": 652.5290804281125}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2020-45\/segments\/1603107911229.96\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20201030182757-20201030212757-00523.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Q: PySide File Monitoring I am making a application in PySide. I want to incorporate a feature where certain files can be monitored for changes (such as log files). When the contents of the file have been changed, it should update in the program.
How would I go about doing this?
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
}
| 107
|
FTX reportedly considering bid for Celsius Network assets
Fresh from winning an auction to acquire the assets of now-defunct crypto brokerage firm Voyager Digital Ltd., the U.S. arm of FTX Trading Ltd. is reportedly considering bidding for the assets of bankrupt cryptocurrency lending platform provider Celsius Network LLC.
The claim comes from Bloomberg, which cited a person familiar with the matter. The report claims that the interest is coming from Sam Bankman-Fried, the founder of FTX, however, it's not clear whether FTX will make the bid or Bankman-Fried's trading firm Alameda Research. The same report also claims that FTX is in the process of raising a $1 billion funding round that has not closed yet nor been made public, giving FTX more capital to potentially acquire the Celsius assets.
The idea that FTX could attempt to acquire the assets of Celsius comes as no surprise. A slew of prominent cryptocurrency and blockchain-related companies have gotten into trouble this year due to the crypto winter and FTX has either been considering buying them or actually has.
In July, FTX US signed a deal that gave them the option to buy cryptocurrency lending firm BlockFi Inc. for up to $240 million. BlockFi was once a darling of the cryptocurrency lending world, having raised $350 million on a $3 billion valuation in March 2021, but the wheels fell off as the price of cryptocurrencies crashed. FTX provided a $250 million line of credit to BlockFi in June to "navigate the market from a position of strength," but the company, like many in the space, continues to struggle.
Forward to earlier this week and FTX US won an auction to buy Voyager's assets for $1.4 billion. Voyager filed for bankruptcy protection on July 6, becoming the second major company to do so in the cryptocurrency market following the collapse of Three Arrows Capital days earlier.
Under the deal, Voyager customers will be able to transfer to the FTX US platform to resume cryptocurrency trading. The purchase agreement is to be presented to the court for approval on Oct. 19. Any acquisition of Celsius assets is likely to follow a similar path.
Exactly what FTX will pay and which assets they could acquire from Celsius is unknown at this time. Celsius has been in trouble since it suspended withdrawals and transfers because of "extreme" conditions on June 13. The company is also subject to an investigation in Vermont which alleges, among other things, that Celcius engaged in unregistered securities offerings by offering cryptocurrency interest accounts to retail investors and that Celsius also lacked a money transmitter license.
The news that FTX may be interested in acquiring assets from Celsius comes a day after Celsius Chief Executive Officer Alex Mashinsky resigned from the company, citing his ongoing role as CEO as becoming an "increasing distraction" for Celsius.
"I am very sorry about the difficult financial circumstances members of our community are facing," Mashinsky said in a statement. "I will continue to maintain my focus on working to help the community unite behind a plan that will provide the best outcome for all creditors – which is what I have been doing since the company filed for bankruptcy."
Lacking other credible bidders, a cashed-up FTX may well turn out to be the best outcome for Celsius creditors.
Image: Celsius
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 7,981
|
Culham was a rural district in Oxfordshire, England from 1894 to 1932. It was formed under the Local Government Act 1894 from the part of the Abingdon Rural Sanitary District in the administrative county of Oxfordshire. The remainder of the sanitary district, in the administrative county of Berkshire, became Abingdon Rural District. The rural district council continued to be based at Abingdon, holding meetings in the workhouse of the poor law union.
Parishes
The rural district consisted of ten civil parishes:
Burcot
Chislehampton
Clifton Hampden
Culham
Drayton St Leonard
Marsh Baldon
Nuneham Courtenay
Sandford on Thames
Stadhampton
Toot Baldon
Abolition
Culham Rural District was abolished under a County Review Order in 1932, merging with a number of other districts to form Bullingdon Rural District. Since 1974 the area has formed part of the South Oxfordshire district.
References
https://web.archive.org/web/20071001015955/http://www.visionofbritain.org.uk/relationships.jsp?u_id=10089645
History of Oxfordshire
Districts of England created by the Local Government Act 1894
Rural districts of England
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaWikipedia"
}
| 4,375
|
Q and A: Exclusive Interview with Minh Hua
January 26, 2022 by Verified First
The war for talent is intense. Large organizations often have the upper hand when recruiting, hiring, and retaining talent, but that's all about to change.
We hosted Minh Hua, Stanley Black & Decker's Chief Talent Officer, in the season 2 premiere of our HR at the Table webinar series. We talked about top factors impacting talent recruitment and retention in a chat titled "The War for Talent: David vs. Goliath."
In his interview, Minh answered four key questions that shed light on the current state of the talent market to help small and mid-sized companies compete with industry leaders.
What are the current talent market trends and their impacts?
What practices should smaller organizations leverage?
How can small organizations take down the giants?
How can HR and Talent Acquisition (TA) professionals level-up their strategy?
The last two years, and even the last six months, has had a dramatic effect on the market. Minh describes the recent way business is conducted as a "series of whiplashes." For example, Gross Domestic Product (GDP) typically ranges between negative 2 percent and positive 4 percent. During the second quarter of 2020, GDP plummeted at negative 31 percent. Yet, three months later, GDP soared at a positive 33 percent. This has led to a surge in hiring and the fastest rate of wage growth in recent memory.
Interestingly, Minh theorized that the talent market is starting to cool off. Business leaders are learning to do more with less — a trend that will only increase the longer we remain in a pendulum of economic uncertainty. Minh recommended that organizations shift focus toward quality of talent, team productivity, and business continuity.
The most successful companies play to their strengths. A great example of a small company that plays to their own strengths is one that pays market pricing for talent but closes the deal with a personal touch.
Social bonding, the degree to which an individual is integrated into a company, is an area where small companies can consistently compete in and win. Large organizations are often limited due to multiple degrees of separation and bureaucracy. Small and mid-sized organizations, though, have many opportunities to connect with applicants and employees. When employees feel like they belong and the company is successful, there is a spark that's hard to dwindle.
In the story of David vs. Goliath, David is able to take down a giant with a few small stones. When it comes to recruitment and retention for small organizations, Minh has a few stones lined up to take down the Goliaths as well.
Play to your strengths and love that you're not big - Small companies have a lot to offer. When companies feel insecure about their value proposition, candidates can tell. Have confidence in your company's capabilities.
Provide a personal recruiting experience - Minh offers the following advice "pretend you're recruiting your cousin," not a stranger you found on LinkedIn. This will create a sense of familiarity and belonging at the candidates first major touchpoint with the company.
Tell your story - Tell the story of why that specific person should join the company. Create a picture for the candidate to see how they fit into the company and the opportunities that lay ahead.
How can HR & TA Professionals level-up their strategy?
Your strategy doesn't have to be complex or encompass all of your financial and human resources. Start by asking yourself the following questions:
How can I gain access to as many different types of candidates as possible?
Who is telling me 'no' and why?
When asked how to leverage technology, Minh shared a secret. "There's a very weak correlation between hiring success and the sexiness of technology." Technology is unquestionably important to communicate, but it should not become the end all be all in any talent acquisition strategy. Instead, energy should be placed on selecting top talent and persuading them to work for your organization.
For more insight from Minh Hua, watch the entirety of this HR at the Table webinar here! To be a part of our next discussion with an HR and TA professional, register for an upcoming HR at the Table webinar. Next month, we'll host Chris Brenchley, the co-founder and CEO at Surehand, for a chat on how to reinvent your talent acquisition strategy to fit today's talent landscape and competitive market.
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|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 2,189
|
Socha Kuan-jin v Chaj-nanu je 108 metrů vysoká buddhistická socha, která zobrazuje bódhisattvu Kuan-jin, což je čínská obdoba bódhisattvy Avalókitéšvary. Socha se nachází v čínské ostrovní provincii Chaj-nan ve městě San-ja. Její stavba zabrala šest let, přičemž dokončena byla v roce 2005 a slavnostně vysvěcena 25. dubna téhož roku.
Socha má sice jedno tělo, avšak hned tři tváře a má tak posílat poselství míru a bezpečí Číňanům po celém světě.
Reference
Externí odkazy
Nanshan Culture Tourism District
Sochy Buddhy
Sochy v Číně
San-ja
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaWikipedia"
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| 8,682
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{"url":"http:\/\/math.stackexchange.com\/questions\/770213\/use-the-maximum-likelihood-estimation-approach-to-find-an-estimator-for-alpha","text":"# Use the Maximum Likelihood Estimation approach to find an estimator for $\\alpha.$ given the Pareto distribution\n\nLet $Y_1,...Y_n$ be a random sample from the Pareto distribution with parameters $\\alpha$ and $\\beta$, where $\\beta$ is known. Then, if $\\alpha > 0$, $$f(y|\\alpha, \\beta) = \\alpha \\beta^\\alpha y^{-(\\alpha +1)}, y \\ge \\beta.$$\n\nGoal: Use the Maximum Likelihood Estimation approach to find an estimator for $\\alpha.$\n\nMY APPROACH:\n\n$L(\\alpha) = \\alpha^n \\beta^{\\alpha n} (\\prod_{i=1}^n y_i)^{-(\\alpha+1)}$\n\nTaking log for $L(\\alpha)$ gives $ln L(\\alpha) = n ln(\\alpha) + \\alpha n ln(\\beta) + \\sum_{i=1}^n -(\\alpha+1) ln(y_i)$\n\nTaking derivatives of $ln L(\\alpha)$ with respect to $\\alpha$ gives $n\/\\alpha + nln(\\beta) - \\sum_{i=1}^n ln(y_i)$\n\nsetting the above equation to zero give,$$\\hat{\\alpha} = \\frac{n}{\\sum_{i=1}^n ln(y_i) - nln(\\beta)}$$\n\nAm I right?\n\n-","date":"2015-03-05 06:31:47","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8834213614463806, \"perplexity\": 158.57664785086433}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2015-11\/segments\/1424936463928.32\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20150226074103-00321-ip-10-28-5-156.ec2.internal.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
\section{Introduction}
Numerical simulations of halo formation provide strong evidence that
the inner parts of dark matter halos are strongly cusped. Typically,
the density profile $\rho$ behaves like $r^{-\gamma}$, where $\gamma$
lies between 1 and 1.5 \citep*{NFW95,Mo98}. Although this numerical
result seems well established, observational evidence that dark halos
are cusped has been surprisingly elusive. A disparate body of data --
including the rotation curves of dwarf spiral galaxies \citep{PW00,dB01},
the kinematics of Local Group dwarf spheroidal galaxies \citep{KW03}, and
mass models of gravitational lens systems \citep*{TKA98} -- seem to favor
constant-density cores.
Recently, \citet{Ha04} claimed that the only density slopes permitted
by the spherically symmetric and isotropic Jeans equations are $1\le
\gamma\le3$ if the phase-space density-like quantity, $\rho / \langle
v^2 \rangle^{3/2}$, follows a power law \citep{TN01}. This result was
inferred from the condition that the power-law solution of the Jeans
and Poisson equations is physical, subject to the ``equation of state''
(EOS), $\rho\propto r^{-p}{\langle v_r^2 \rangle}^{c}$, where $p$ and
$c$ are constants. He further argued that, for the system with an
anisotropic velocity dispersion tensor, $1+\beta\le\gamma\le3$. Here
the anisotropy parameter is $\beta=1-\langle v_\mathrm{T}^2 \rangle /
(2\langle v_r^2 \rangle)$, where $\langle v_r^2 \rangle$ and $\langle
v_\mathrm{T}^2 \rangle$ are the radial and the tangential velocity
second moments \citep{BT87}. Given the nearly isotropic conditions
found in the central parts of simulated dark halos, this already seems to
indicate that the density profile cannot be shallower than
$\rho\sim r^{-1}$.
The idea of looking for constraints between the central density slope
and the anisotropy is an excellent one. In \S~\ref{sec:rel}, we show
that the inequality $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is a necessary condition for the
nonnegativity of the distribution function (DF). This generalizes two
well-established results: (1) a spherical system with a hole in
the center cannot be supported by an isotropic velocity dispersion
tensor \citep[i.e., $\gamma\ge2\beta=0$; see][]{Tr94}, and (2) a
spherical system with particles in purely radial orbits cannot be
supported by a density cusp shallower than the isothermal cusp
\citep[i.e., $\gamma\ge2\beta=2$; see][]{RT84}. In
\S~\ref{sec:hansen}, we study the scale-free power-law cusps that
inspired \citet{Ha04} and show that the inequality $\gamma\ge1+\beta$
is related to the boundary condition at infinity rather than at the
center. Finally, in \S~\ref{sec:tim}, we consider the generalization
of the theorem to tracer populations in an externally imposed cusped
potential -- for example, to stars moving around a central black
hole. In particular, with the potential cusped as $r^{-\delta}$
($0\le\delta\le1$), we find that the inequality becomes
$\gamma\ge2\beta+(\case12-\beta)\delta$. While a similar limit has been
noted in the literature for the case in which the DF is scale-free
\citep*{Wh81,BMZ}, we derive the limit as a general condition for a DF
with a centrally diverging (and not necessarily self-consistent)
potential.
\label{start}
\section{Proof of a Cusp Slope-Anisotropy Theorem}
\label{sec:rel}
Here we shall prove that if the density is cusped like $r^{-\gamma}$
near the center, then the limiting value of $\beta$ at the center may
not be greater than $\gamma/2$. This relation is indeed suggested by
solving the Jeans equation for constant $\beta$. That is, the
one-dimensional radial velocity dispersion obtained as the solution,
in general, diverges at the center if $\gamma<2\beta$, which is
unphysical unless the central potential well depth is infinite.
In fact, we will show that the inequality $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is the
necessary condition for the nonnegativity of the DF.
\subsection{Constant Anisotropy Distribution Functions}
\label{sec:con}
First, let us suppose that the DF is given by the
\textit{Ansatz}\footnote{Strictly speaking, the \textit{Ansatz}
is valid only for
$\beta<1$. However, it can be extended to $\beta=1$ using the relation
$\lim_{\beta\rightarrow1}[L^{2\beta}/\Gamma(1-\beta)]=\delta(L^2)$,
where $\delta(x)$ is the Dirac delta ``function.'' Subsequently,
equations (\ref{eq:den})--(\ref{eq:disintc}) are still valid for
$f(E,L)=\delta(L^2)f_E(E)$ as the $\beta=1$ limit simply without the
$\Gamma(1-\beta)$ factor.}
\begin{equation}
f(E,L) = L^{-2\beta} f_E(E),
\label{eq:ansatz}
\end{equation}
where $L$ is the specific angular momentum, and $f_E(E)$ is a function
of the binding energy $E$ alone. This seems as though it is a
restrictive assumption, but this is not really the case. Rather,
equation~(\ref{eq:ansatz}) arises naturally as the most divergent term
in a Laurent series expansion with respect to $L$ at $L = 0$ for a very wide
class of DFs. By integrating equation~(\ref{eq:ansatz}) over velocity
space, we find that the density is given by
\begin{equation}
\rho = r^{-2\beta}D_\beta
\int_0^\psi\! (\psi-E)^{1/2-\beta} f_E(E)\, dE,
\label{eq:den}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
D_\beta=\frac{(2\pi)^{3/2}\Gamma(1-\beta)}{2^\beta\Gamma(3/2-\beta)},
\end{equation}
where $\psi$ is the relative potential and $\Gamma(x)$ is the gamma
function. The unknown function $f_E(E)$ can be found from the formula
\citep{Cu91,Ko96,WE99,AE06,EA06}
\begin{equation}
f_E(E) = C_\beta \left[
\int_0^E \frac{d\psi}{(E-\psi)^\alpha} \frac{d^{n+1}h}{d\psi^{n+1}}
+ \frac{1}{E^\alpha} \left.\frac{d^nh}{d\psi^n}\right|_{\psi=0} \right]
\label{eq:disint}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
C_\beta=\frac{2^\beta}{(2\pi)^{3/2}\Gamma(1-\alpha)\Gamma(1-\beta)}.
\label{eq:disintc}
\end{equation}
Here $h=r^{2\beta}\rho$ is expressed as a function of $\psi$, and
$n=\lfloor\case32-\beta\rfloor$ and $\alpha=\case32-\beta-n$ are the integer
floor and the fractional part of $\case32-\beta$. It is a simple exercise
to show that the anisotropy parameter for this model is the same as
the parameter $\beta$ in the expression of DF (eq.~\ref{eq:ansatz}).
By considering the limit of equation~(\ref{eq:den}) as $r\rightarrow0$
one can infer that $\rho$ should diverge at least as fast as
$r^{-2\beta}$ if $\beta>0$ and cannot approach zero faster than
$r^{2(-\beta)}$ if $\beta<0$ unless the integral vanishes in the same
limit. This in fact is the basic argument that leads to the theorem.
In the following, we provide a more stringent proof of the theorem.
\subsubsection{The Case $\beta \le \case12$}
For $\beta<\case12$, a direct generalization of the proof of \citet{Tr94}
for isotropic models suffices. That is, from equation~(\ref{eq:den}),
we find that
\begin{equation}
\frac{d}{d\psi}\left(r^{2\beta}\rho\right)=\tilde D_\beta
\int_0^\psi\!\frac{f_E(E)\,dE}{(\psi-E)^{1/2+\beta}}\ge0,
\label{eq:dhp}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\tilde D_\beta=\left(\frac12-\beta\right)D_\beta=
\frac{(2\pi)^{3/2}\Gamma(1-\beta)}{2^\beta\Gamma(1/2-\beta)}
\end{equation}
for any physical DF, as the integrand is always positive. Similarly,
if $\beta=\case12$, then
\begin{equation}
\frac{d}{d\psi}\left(r\rho\right)=
2\pi^2\frac{d}{d\psi}\int_0^\psi\!f_E(E)\,dE=2\pi^2f_E(\psi)\ge0.
\end{equation}
However,
\begin{equation}
\frac{dh}{d\psi}=\frac{dr}{d\psi}\frac{h}{r}\frac{d\ln{h}}{d\ln{r}}
=\frac{r^{2\beta-1}\rho}{d\psi/dr}
\left(2\beta+\frac{d\ln{\rho}}{d\ln{r}}\right).
\label{eq:dhdp}
\end{equation}
Since $d\psi/dr \le 0$ for any physical potential, we thus find that
\begin{equation}
2\beta\le-\frac{d\ln{\rho}}{d\ln{r}}.
\end{equation}
This holds everywhere. Specializing to the limit at the center, we
obtain the desired result.
\subsubsection{The Case $\beta > \case12$}
\label{sec:simon}
When $\beta > \case12$, equation~(\ref{eq:dhp}) is invalid, and therefore
a different proof is required. For this purpose, we first note that
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{(\psi-E)^{\beta-1/2}}>\frac{1}{\psi^{\beta-1/2}}>0
\end{equation}
for $0<E<\psi$ and $\beta>\case12$. Then from equation~(\ref{eq:den}),
we find that
\begin{equation}
\rho>\frac{D_\beta}{r^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}}\int_0^\psi\!f_E(E)\,dE.
\end{equation}
Therefore,
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\left(\rho r^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}\right)
\ge D_\beta\int_0^{\psi_0}\!f_E(E)\,dE>0,
\label{eq:lim}
\end{equation}
where $\psi_0=\psi(r=0)$. Next, if we consider the case in which
$\psi_0$ is finite (see \S~\ref{sec:tim} for the centrally diverging
potential), we have
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\left(\rho r^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}\right)
=\psi_0^{\beta-1/2}\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\left(\rho r^{2\beta}\right)>0.
\end{equation}
Since $\psi_0>0$, we find that $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}(\rho
r^{2\beta})>0$, that is, $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h$ either is nonzero
positive and finite or diverges to positive infinity. If the former
is the case, it is straightforward to show that (using l'H\^opital's
rule)
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{hr}{r}
=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d(hr)}{dr}
=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h\frac{d\ln(hr)}{d\ln r},
\end{equation}
and consequently that
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln(hr)}{d\ln r}=1\qquad
\Rightarrow\
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln h}{d\ln r}=0.
\end{equation}
On the other hand, if $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h$ is divergent,
l'H\^opital's rule indicates that
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln h}{d\ln r}
=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{\ln h}{\ln r}.
\end{equation}
However, we have $(\ln h/\ln r)<0$ for sufficiently small $r$, so
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{\ln h}{\ln r}\le0\qquad
\Rightarrow\
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln h}{d\ln r}\le0.
\end{equation}
Hence, for both cases,
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln h}{d\ln r}
=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho}{d\ln r}+2\beta\le0
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\Longrightarrow\
\gamma=-\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho}{d\ln r}\ge2\beta,
\label{eq:gamma}
\end{equation}
which is the desired result.
\subsection{General (Analytic) Distribution Functions}
\label{sec:laur}
This result is in fact far more general than the assumed \textit{Ansatz}
for the DF (eq.~\ref{eq:ansatz}). For example, \citet{CP92} found
the same limit ($\gamma\ge2\beta=0$)
for the \citet{Os79,Os79tr}-\citet{Me85} type DF,
which is manifestly not in the form of equation~(\ref{eq:ansatz}).
We extend the limit derived in the preceding section
to a wide class of DFs by the following simple argument.
In general, any analytic DF can be expressed either
as sums of equation~(\ref{eq:ansatz}) or in terms of a Laurent series
expansion with respect to $L$ at $L=0$ (really a special class of the
former). Then since $L=rv_\mathrm{T}$, as $r\rightarrow0$, the DF is
dominated by the term associated with the leading order of $L$, and
consequently so is the behavior of the density near the center. It is
also straightforward to show that the anisotropy parameter at the
center is indeed determined by $\beta_0$, where `$-2\beta_0$' is the
power to the leading term of $L$. The desired result therefore
follows from the preceding proof for the special case of the DF with a
single term. In Appendix, we discuss the conditions of
applicability of the proof more mathematically and argue that the
theorem holds for all physically reasonable DFs of spherical systems.
We find that the cusp slope--anisotropy theorem ($\gamma\ge2\beta$) is
actually quite reasonable. It implies that, if the anisotropy is
radially biased ($\beta>0$) near the center, the density is cusped,
and that, unless the cusp slope is steeper than that of isothermal
cusp ($\gamma=2$), there is a finite upper limit to $\beta$ that is
strictly smaller than unity. Similarly, if the density is cored
($\gamma=0$), the central anisotropy is either tangentially biased or
at most isotropic.
\section{Scale-free Density Profile}
\label{sec:hansen}
Recently, \citet{Ha04} derived a similar but stricter inequality
$\gamma\ge1+\beta$, based on the condition that there exists a
physical power-law solution to the spherically symmetric Jeans and
Poisson equations with the EOS, $\rho\propto r^{-p}\langle v_r^2
\rangle^c$. Since $\beta\le1$, his result is stronger than our result.
However, we note that his result is strictly valid only if both $\rho$
and $\langle v_r^2 \rangle$ behave as the pure power law extending
globally to the infinity. In fact, we find that the condition
$\gamma\ge\beta+1$ originates from the boundary condition at infinity
rather than at the center and thus argue that the result should be
understood to refer to the asymptotic density power index at infinity,
not the central density slope. In particular, the supposed piece of
evidence cited by \citet{Ha04} for his inequality (\citealt{LH00}; see
also \citealt{BJ68}) is in fact due to the constraint imposed by
$\gamma\ge2\beta$ on the central slope through the positivity of the
DF (\S~\ref{sec:rel}; see also \citealt{RT84}), since it involves the
case of purely radial motion ($\beta=1$) for which the two limits
coincide ($\gamma\ge2$).
The general integral solution of the Jeans equation with constant $\beta$
can be written by admitting an integration constant $\tilde B$,
\begin{equation}
r^{2\beta}\rho\langle v_r^2\rangle=\tilde B
+\int_{r_0}^r\!dr'\,r'^{2\beta}\rho(r')\,
\left.\frac{d\psi}{dr}\right|_{r=r'}.
\label{eq:vdg}
\end{equation}
The potential gradient (i.e., the local gravitational acceleration)
can be found from the enclosed mass
\begin{equation}
\frac{d\psi}{dr}=-\frac{GM_r}{r^2}\,;\qquad
M_r=M_{r_0}+4\pi\int_{r_0}^r\rho(r')r'^2dr',
\label{eq:emass}
\end{equation}
where the negative sign is due to our choice of sign for $\psi$.
If we assume a strict power-law behavior for the density as $\rho=
Ar^{-\gamma}$, where $A>0$ is constant, then $M_r$ is given by
($\gamma\ne3$)
\begin{equation}
M_r=
M_{r_0}+4\pi A(3-\gamma)^{-1}\left(r^{3-\gamma}-r_0^{3-\gamma}\right).
\label{eq:ma}
\end{equation}
If the power law extends to the center, the result must be valid for
the choice of $r_0=0$. However, then the mass within any finite
radius $M_r$ always diverges for $\gamma\ge3$ even if $M_0$ is finite,
and therefore the model is unphysical. The resulting upper limit
$\gamma<3$ is well established. By substituting
equation~(\ref{eq:emass}) and $\rho=Ar^{-\gamma}$ in
equation~(\ref{eq:vdg}), $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ as a function of $r$
($\gamma\ne3$, $\gamma\ne\beta+1$, and $\gamma\ne2\beta-1$) is found
to be
\begin{eqnarray}
\langle v_r^2\rangle&=&Br^{\gamma-2\beta}
-r^{2-\gamma}\frac{2\pi GA}{(3-\gamma)(\beta-\gamma+1)}
\nonumber\\&+&\frac{1}{r}
\left[\frac{4\pi GAr_0^{3-\gamma}}{(3-\gamma)(2\beta-\gamma-1)}
-\frac{GM_{r_0}}{2\beta-\gamma-1}\right],
\label{eq:vel}
\end{eqnarray}
where $B$ is an integration constant to be determined from the
boundary condition. Here if we assume strictly scale-free behavior
for $\rho$, equation~(\ref{eq:vel}) is valid everywhere extending from
$r=0$ to $r=\infty$. With $r_0=0$ and $M_0=0$, we can show that the
condition for $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ to be nonnegative everywhere
leads to the inequality $\gamma>\beta+1$, as found by \citet{Ha04},
and $B\ge0$. In addition, the self-similarity implies strict power-law
behavior for $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ as well. Since $A>0$, this can
only be obtained with the choice of $B=0$. In fact, the choice of
$B=0$ can independently be deduced from the boundary condition at
infinity. That is, $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ is nondivergent for a
finite potential ($\gamma<2$), or if the potential diverges
($\gamma>2$), the velocity dispersion cannot diverge faster than the
potential does.
However, if we relax the assumption that $\rho$ is strictly scale-free
everywhere and replace it with $\rho$ being locally well approximated
by the power law near the center, equation~(\ref{eq:vel}) is valid
\emph{only} for the region where $\rho\approx Ar^{-\gamma}$, so
the condition that $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ is nonnegative only needs
to be checked for this regime. Provided that the power law provides a
good approximation to the behavior of $\rho$ near the center and that we
limit our attention to a self-consistent density-potential system, it is
reasonable to choose $r_0=0$ and $M_0=0$. Then for $\gamma>2\beta$,
with any positive constant $B$, equation~(\ref{eq:vel}) returns the
correct behavior of the velocity dispersion near the center, although
its validity does not extend to infinity. For $\gamma>\beta+1$, the
velocity dispersion ($r_0=M_0=0$) is given by
\begin{equation}
\langle v_r^2\rangle=r^{2-\gamma}\left[
\frac{2\pi GA}{(3-\gamma)(\gamma-\beta-1)}+Br^{2(\gamma-\beta-1)}\right].
\end{equation}
Near the center, we find that $\langle v_r^2\rangle\sim
A'r^{2-\gamma}$, where $A'$ is a positive constant. This is just the
approximate local power-law behavior of the velocity dispersion near
the center (valid locally for any $B$). In addition, if $\beta+1<
\gamma\le2$, the central velocity dispersion is finite. Although
$\langle v_r^2\rangle$ diverges at the center if $\gamma>2\ge\beta+1$,
this behavior can be physical because the self-consistent potential
well depth for this case is also infinite. On the other hand, if
$\gamma<\beta+1$, the same velocity dispersion can be written as
\begin{equation}
\langle v_r^2\rangle=r^{\gamma-2\beta}\left[
B-r^{2(\beta+1-\gamma)}\frac{2\pi GA}{(3-\gamma)(\beta+1-\gamma)}\right].
\label{eq:vn}
\end{equation}
In other words, since $\gamma-2\beta<2-\gamma$ if $\gamma<\beta+1$,
the leading term for the velocity dispersion near the center is given
by $\langle v_r^2\rangle\sim Br^{\gamma-2\beta}$ provided that
$B\ne0$. While not strictly scale-free, the local behavior of the
velocity dispersion near the center can still be approximated as a
power law, and furthermore, as long as $B>0$ and $0\le\gamma-2\beta
<2-\gamma$, it is positive and finite. While we note that for a
sufficiently large $r$,
equation~(\ref{eq:vn}) eventually becomes negative, since the
$r^{2-\gamma}$ term becomes dominant as $r\rightarrow\infty$, this
does not restrict the \emph{central} power index for density, provided
that the behavior of $\rho$ starts to deviate from $\sim Ar^{-\gamma}$
(toward the steeper falloff) at smaller $r$ than the value at which
$\langle v_r^2\rangle=0$ in equation~(\ref{eq:vn}).
Let us consider the explicit example of the \citet{He90} model, which
has a $r^{-1}$ density cusp (i.e., $\gamma=1$). The radial velocity
dispersion of the constant-$\beta$ model is \citep[see, e.g.,][]
{BD02,EA05}
\begin{equation}
\langle v_r^2\rangle=\frac{GM}{(5-2\beta)}\frac{r}{(r+a)^2}\
\mbox{}_2F_1\left(1,5;6-2\beta;\frac{a}{r+a}\right),
\end{equation}
where the potential is given by $\psi=GM/(r+a)$. It is straightforward
to show that, for $0<\beta\le\case12$, $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ is
everywhere positive finite with its leading order behavior near the
center given by $\sim r^{1-2\beta}$ \citep[if $\beta=\case12$, then
$\langle v_r^2\rangle=\psi/4$; see also][]{EA05}. On the other hand,
if $\beta<0$, the leading order for $\langle v_r^2\rangle$ near the
center is found to be $\sim r$ with a positive coefficient. For the
isotropic case ($\beta=0$), the elementary functional expression for
the velocity dispersion is given in equation~(10) of \citet{He90},
whose leading order behavior is found to be $\sim r\ln{r^{-1}}$
\citep[see, e.g., eq.~11 of][]{He90}.
As another example, we consider the dark matter profile proposed by
\citet{DM05}. They solved the spherically symmetric Jeans and Poisson
equations with the same EOS as in \citet{Ha04}. However, they found a
family of ``realistic'' models with a finite mass and an infinite
extent. With $\rho\propto r^{-p}\langle v_r^2\rangle^{3/2}$, the inner
density cusp of their models is given by $\gamma=(7+10\beta_0)/9$,
where $\beta_0$ is the anisotropy parameter at the center. It is clear
that for all members of these models $\gamma<\beta_0+1$, since
$\beta_0\le1<2$, thus violating the inequality $\gamma\ge\beta+1$. On
the other hand, our result $\gamma\ge2\beta$ indicates that they are
physical if and only if $\beta_0\le\case78$. In fact, $\langle v_r^2
\rangle$ near the center for this family behaves as $\sim
r^{(7-8\beta_0)/9}$, and thus the limit $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is
equivalent to the condition that the central velocity dispersion is
finite.
A similar analysis of equation~(\ref{eq:vel}) can be applied to
discover the asymptotic behavior of the velocity dispersion at
infinity. Suppose that $\rho$ asymptotically approaches a power law
for a sufficiently large $r$. Then for the same range,
equation~(\ref{eq:vel}) is a valid expression for $\langle v_r^2
\rangle$, provided that the power law $\sim A\rho^{-\gamma}$ describes
the asymptotic behavior of $\rho$ and $M_{r_0}$ is the mass within
$r_0$. Here $B=0$ from the boundary condition at infinity. If the
total mass is finite ($\gamma>3>\beta+1>2\beta-1$), we can simply set
$r_0=\infty$ and $M_\infty=M$, where $M$ is the total mass. Then since
$-1>2-\gamma$, the asymptotic behavior of the velocity dispersion is
given by $\langle v_r^2 \rangle\sim (\gamma+1-2\beta)^{-1}GM/r$, which
is consistent with Keplerian falloff. For an infinite-mass system, we
find that $2-\gamma>-1$, and thus the leading term of $\langle v_r^2
\rangle$ for $r\rightarrow\infty$ is $\sim A'r^{2-\gamma}$. Here $A'$
is a positive constant if $\gamma>\beta+1$, whereas it is a negative
constant if $\gamma<\beta+1$. In other words, from the condition of
nonnegativity of the velocity dispersion toward infinity, we actually
recover the inequality of \citet{Ha04}, $\gamma\ge\beta+1$, although
here $\gamma$ and $\beta$ are the asymptotic density power index and
the anisotropy parameter at \emph{infinity}. Although the velocity
dispersion diverges as $r\rightarrow\infty$ if $\gamma<2$, the
behavior may be acceptable because the potential also diverges with
the same power index, so the system is still bounded.
\section{Central Black Hole}
\label{sec:tim}
We have found one further example of a cusp slope--anisotropy
relationship in the literature. \citet{Wh81} found a
relation\footnote{The inequality given in \citet{Wh81} or
\citet{BMZ} did not include the case of equality because of the
specific form of the scale-free DF. The general result actually
extends to include the case of equality through the transition
of the power-law distribution to the Dirac delta distribution.}
by studying the special case of scale-free densities in scale-free
potentials, namely
\begin{equation}
\gamma\ge\frac{\delta}{2}+\beta(2-\delta),
\label{eq:ine}
\end{equation}
where $\delta$ is the central power-law index for the potential (i.e.,
$\psi\sim r^{-\delta}$), which may be externally imposed. Note the
change of the notation from \citet{Wh81}. The form of the limit given
in equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) is actually that of \citet{BMZ}, who
performed a similar study to \citet{Wh81} but allowed for flattening.
This result was derived from a specific functional form for the DF, and
in particular assumed that $f_E(E)$ is scale-free. We note that,
since $\beta\le1$, the inequality $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is automatically
satisfied if $\gamma\ge2$. For $\gamma<2$, the self-consistent
potential-density has a finite central potential, so
$\delta=0$. In this case, equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) reduces to
$\gamma\ge2\beta$. However, in the presence of a central black hole
($\delta=1$), equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) provides us with a different
limit $\gamma\ge\beta+\case12$, which is stricter than $\gamma\ge2\beta$
if $\beta<\case12$.
Here we note that this limit can, without assuming that the density
or DF is scale-free, be derived from the
nonnegativity of the DF for a massless tracer population in the
Keplerian potential of a central point mass. Let us suppose that the
DF for a massless tracer population is given by
equation~(\ref{eq:ansatz}). (The results can then be extended to more
general DFs using the identical argument of \S~\ref{sec:laur}.) Next,
we assume that these tracers are subject to the potential $\psi=GM/r$
of a point mass at the center. Then the number density of the tracer
population $n$ can be found from integration of the DF over
velocity space as in equation~(\ref{eq:den});
\begin{eqnarray}
n&=&\frac{D_\beta}{r^{2\beta}}
\int_0^{GM/r}\!\left(\frac{GM}{r}-E\right)^{1/2-\beta}f_E(E)\,dE
\nonumber\\&=&\frac{D_\beta}{r^{\beta+1/2}}
\int_0^{GM/r}\!(GM-rE)^{1/2-\beta}f_E(E)\,dE.
\label{eq:epd}
\end{eqnarray}
For $\beta<\case12$, we find that
\begin{equation}
\frac{d}{dr}\left(r^{\beta+1/2}n\right)=-\tilde D_\beta
\!\int_0^{GM/r}\!\frac{Ef_E(E)\,dE}{(GM-rE)^{1/2+\beta}}
\le0
\end{equation}
for any nonnegative DF. Consequently,
\begin{equation}
\frac{d}{dr}\left(r^{\beta+1/2}n\right)=
r^{\beta-1/2}n\left(\beta+\frac{1}{2}+\frac{d\ln{n}}{d\ln{r}}\right)\le0
\end{equation}
or, equivalently,
\begin{equation}
-\frac{d\ln{n}}{d\ln{r}}\ge\beta+\frac{1}{2}
\label{eq:bh}
\end{equation}
which is the desired result. In fact, if the external potential is
replaced by $\psi=C/r^\delta$ in equation~(\ref{eq:epd}), it is easy
to see that equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) simply follows from an
essentially identical argument with $\gamma=-(d\ln{n}/d\ln{r})$ being
the central power index for the number density of the tracer
population.
In fact, the result can still be obtained without assuming the
specific form of (scale-free) potential. That is, provided only that
$\delta=-\lim_{r\rightarrow0}(d\ln\psi/d\ln{r})$ and $0\le\delta\le1$,
we find from equation~(\ref{eq:den}) that
\begin{equation}
n=D_\beta\frac{\psi^{1/2-\beta}}{r^{2\beta}}
\int_0^\psi\!\left(1-\frac{E}{\psi}\right)^{1/2-\beta}f_E(E)dE,
\end{equation}
and thus for $\beta<\case12$, we have
\begin{equation}
\frac{d}{d\psi}\left(nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}\right)=
\tilde D_\beta
\int_0^\psi\!\frac{E f_E(E)\,dE}{\psi^2[1-(E/\psi)]^{1/2+\beta}}\ge0.
\end{equation}
However, of course,
\begin{eqnarray}\lefteqn{
\frac{d}{d\psi}\left(nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}\right)=
\frac{nr^{2\beta-1}\psi^{\beta-1/2}}{d\psi/dr}
\frac{d}{d\ln r}\ln\left(nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}\right)
}\nonumber\\&&=
\frac{nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-3/2}}{d\ln\psi/d\ln r}\left[
\frac{d\ln n}{d\ln r}+2\beta+\left(\beta-\frac{1}{2}\right)
\frac{d\ln\psi}{d\ln r}\right]\ge0,
\end{eqnarray}
and by taking the limit $r\rightarrow0$,
\begin{equation}
\gamma\ge2\beta+\left(\frac{1}{2}-\beta\right)\delta.
\label{eq:bhl}
\end{equation}
Here note that $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}(d\ln\psi/d\ln r)=-\delta\le0$.
This also indicates that the result is still valid even if the
self-gravity of the tracer population is appreciable, as long as the
potential (that may be decoupled from the density) is divergent at the
center.
If $\beta=\case12$, the limit given in equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) is, in
fact, identical to $\gamma\ge2\beta=1$. Since the derivation of the
limit in \S~\ref{sec:rel} for $\beta=\case12$ does not use the assumption
of self-consistency, it is still applicable here. Therefore, the
limits in equations~(\ref{eq:bh}) and (\ref{eq:bhl}) can be extended to
$\beta\le\case12$. For $\case12<\beta\le1$, the limit $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is
actually stronger than equation~(\ref{eq:ine}) (note that
$0\le\delta\le1$). However, with a centrally diverging potential
(i.e., $\psi_0=\infty$), the proof given in \S~\ref{sec:simon} is not
directly applicable. Instead, from equation~(\ref{eq:lim}), we now
find that $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}k$, where
$k=nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}$ either is finite and nonzero or
diverges to positive infinity. Following exactly the same argument as
in \S~\ref{sec:simon} applied to $k=nr^{2\beta}\psi^{\beta-1/2}$
instead of $h=\rho r^{2\beta}$, we have
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln k}{d\ln r}
=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln n}{d\ln r}+2\beta
+\left(\beta-\frac{1}{2}\right)\
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\psi}{d\ln r}\le0,
\end{equation}
which translates to equation~(\ref{eq:bhl}), and thus
we can extend the limit of equation~(\ref{eq:bhl}) to $\beta>\case12$ as well.
The limit $\gamma\ge\beta+\case12$ for $\delta=1$ indicates
that a spherical isotropic system subject to a Keplerian potential
should possess a central density cusp at least as steep as
$r^{-1/2}$. Similarly, if an isotropic stellar system is subject to a
divergent dark matter potential due to a cusped profile with a slope
steeper than that of the isothermal cusp, the stellar system should
also be cusped with its cusp slope constrained to be
$\gamma_\star\ge(\gamma_\mathrm{DM}/2)-1$, where $\gamma_\star$ is the
cusp index for the stellar system and $\gamma_\mathrm{DM}\ge2$ is that
of the dark matter profile. Of course, if $\gamma_\mathrm{DM}<2$, the
central potential is finite provided that there is no other source of
divergent potential, and thus the limit simply reduces to
$\gamma_\star\ge0$. On the other hand, if the system were mildly
radially anisotropic (near the center), that is to say
$\beta\approx\case12$, the limit for the supportable cusp slope would be
steeper, much like $\gamma\ga1$.
\section{Conclusions}
We have proved, for a very wide class of steady-state gravitating
system, a theorem constraining the central cusp slope of the density
profile $\gamma$ (eq.~\ref{eq:gamma}) and the central velocity
anisotropy $\beta$. Specifically, the inequality $\gamma\ge2\beta$ is
a necessary condition for the nonnegativity of the distribution
function (DF). If there is a divergent external potential,
decoupled from the density profile, then the inequality generalizes
to $\gamma\ge2\beta-(\beta-\case12)\delta$.
Here the external potential diverges as $\sim r^{-\delta}$ at the
center. Finally, if the external potential is due to a central black
hole, it reduces to $\gamma\ge\beta+\case12$. We expect our
result to be useful in the study of dense stellar systems, or in the
building of extreme stellar dynamical models.
As most N-body simulations predict only very modest anisotropies
($\beta\approx0$) in the very center, the application of our result
does not directly constrain the central density profile
($\gamma\ga0$). While the inequality derived by \citet{Ha04}, namely,
$1+\beta\le\gamma<3$, appears to be stronger than our result, his
lower limit is only strictly applicable to the scale-free power-law
density profile of infinite extent. It appears that $\gamma\ge\beta+1$
actually constrains the asymptotic behavior of the density power index
and the anisotropy parameter at infinity rather than at the center.
\acknowledgments We thank P.~Tim de~Zeeuw for stimulating discussions
and helpful suggestions. We appreciate the generous suggestions made
by the anonymous referee to improve the paper. We are grateful to
Simon~D.~M. White for noticing a flaw in an earlier version. We
acknowledge S. Hansen for pointing us to the results of \citet{DM05}
and others.
\begin{appendix}
Here we provide a more detailed argument for the generality of the
theorem than that given in \S~\ref{sec:laur}. While we do not claim
that the following argument strictly adheres to the high standard of
the pure mathematician, we hope that it indicates the generality of
the result.
First, let us suppose that a DF $f(E,L)$ can be written as
\begin{equation}
f(E,L)=L^{-2\beta_0}\left[f_0(E)+f_1(E,L)\right],
\label{eq:dfg}
\end{equation}
where $f_0(E)$ is a function of $E$ alone, whereas
$f_1(E,L)$ is a continuous function that satisfies
\begin{equation}
f_1(E,L=0)=0,
\end{equation}
which further implies that $f_0(E)\ge0$ for all accessible values of
$E$ from the nonnegativity of the DF. Then
\begin{eqnarray}
\label{eq:gd}
\rho&=&2\pi\iint
L^{-2\beta_0}\left[f_0(E)+f_1(E,L)\right]
v_\mathrm{T}dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r
\nonumber\\
&=&\frac{D_{\beta_0}}{r^{2\beta_0}}
\int_0^\psi\!dE\,(\psi\!-\!E)^{1/2-\beta_0}f_0(E)
+\frac{4\pi}{r^{2\beta_0}}
\iint\!dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r\,v_\mathrm{T}^{1-2\beta_0}
f_1\left(\psi\!-\!\frac{v_\mathrm{T}^2+v_r^2}{2},rv_\mathrm{T}\right)
\\
\rho\langle v_r^2\rangle&=&2\pi\iint
v_r^2L^{-2\beta_0}\left[f_0(E)+f_1(E,L)\right]
v_\mathrm{T}dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r
\nonumber\\
&=&\frac{2D_{\beta_0}}{r^{2\beta_0}(3\!-\!2\beta_0)}
\int_0^\psi\!dE(\psi\!-\!E)^{3/2-\beta_0}f_0(E)
+\frac{4\pi}{r^{2\beta_0}}
\iint\!dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r\,v_\mathrm{T}^{1-2\beta_0}v_r^2
f_1\left(\psi\!-\!\frac{v_\mathrm{T}^2+v_r^2}{2},rv_\mathrm{T}\right)
\qquad\\
\rho\langle v_\mathrm{T}^2\rangle&=&2\pi\iint
v_\mathrm{T}^2L^{-2\beta_0}\left[f_0(E)+f_1(E,L)\right]
v_\mathrm{T}dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r
\nonumber\\
&=&\frac{4D_{\beta_0}(1\!-\!\beta_0)}{r^{2\beta_0}(3\!-\!2\beta_0)}
\int_0^\psi\!dE(\psi\!-\!E)^{3/2-\beta_0}f_0(E)
+\frac{4\pi}{r^{2\beta_0}}
\iint\!dv_\mathrm{T}dv_r\,v_\mathrm{T}^{3-2\beta_0}
f_1\left(\psi-\frac{v_\mathrm{T}^2+v_r^2}{2},rv_\mathrm{T}\right).
\end{eqnarray}
Taking the limit $r\rightarrow0$, the velocity moment integrals of the
$f_1$ term vanishes, provided that the domain over which it is
integrated is bounded and that $f_1$ is sufficiently
well behaved. Note then that the anisotropy parameter at the center
for this model is found to be
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\beta=1-
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{\rho\langle v_\mathrm{T}^2\rangle}
{2\rho\langle v_r^2\rangle}=1-(1-\beta_0)=\beta_0.
\label{eq:betag}
\end{equation}
Next, suppose that $h_0=r^{2\beta_0}\rho_0$ and $\rho_0$ is the
density profile built by the DF, $f(E,L)=L^{-2\beta_0}f_0(E)$.
Then the proof given in \S~\ref{sec:con} indicates that
$\gamma_0\ge2\beta_0$, where
\begin{equation}
\gamma_0=-\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho_0}{d\ln r}.
\end{equation}
Now, since $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}(d\ln h_0/d\ln r)=2\beta_0-\gamma_0\le
0$, we have $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0\ne0$, that is,
$\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0$ is nonzero finite or diverges.
Subsequently, from equation~(\ref{eq:gd}),
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\left(r^{2\beta_0}\rho-h_0\right)=
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\left(\frac{r^{2\beta_0}\rho}{h_0}-1\right)h_0=0,
\end{equation}
but $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0\ne0$, and therefore we find that
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{r^{2\beta_0}\rho}{h_0}=1.
\label{eq:limrt}
\end{equation}
If $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0$ is finite (i.e. $\gamma_0=2\beta_0$),
then equation~(\ref{eq:limrt}) implies that
\begin{equation}
0<\lim_{r\rightarrow0}r^{2\beta_0}\rho=\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0<\infty,
\label{eq:dfi}
\end{equation}
so $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}r^{2\beta_0}\rho$ is also finite,
that is, $\rho\sim r^{-2\beta_0}$.
On the other hand, if $\lim_{r\rightarrow0}h_0=\infty$,
l'H\^opital's rule indicates that
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{r^{2\beta_0}\rho}{h_0}=
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d(r^{2\beta_0}\rho)/dr}{dh_0/dr}=
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{r^{2\beta_0}\rho}{h_0}
\frac{d\ln(r^{2\beta_0}\rho)/d\ln r}{d\ln h_0/d\ln r}=
\frac{1}{2\beta_0-\gamma_0}
\left(2\beta_0-\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho}{d\ln r}\right)=1.
\label{eq:din}
\end{equation}
In other words, combining the results in equations~(\ref{eq:dfi})
and (\ref{eq:din}), we have established that
\begin{equation}
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho}{d\ln r}=\gamma_0=
\lim_{r\rightarrow0}\frac{d\ln\rho_0}{d\ln r},
\label{eq:cuspg}
\end{equation}
where $\rho$ is the density profile built by the DF of
equation~(\ref{eq:dfg}) and $\rho_0$ by $f(E,L)=L^{-2\beta_0}f_0(E)$.
Finally, taking equations~(\ref{eq:betag}) and (\ref{eq:cuspg})
together, we have established that the theorem $\gamma_0>2\beta_0$
extends to a more general class of DFs of the form of
equation~(\ref{eq:dfg}).
How general is the form of the DF in equation~(\ref{eq:dfg})? We argue
that it is almost always possible to reduce most well-behaving DFs to
the form of equation~(\ref{eq:dfg}). That is, for a general DF of a
spherically symmetric system in equilibrium, the reduction is possible
if there exists $\alpha<2$ such that
\begin{equation}
f_E(E)=\lim_{L\rightarrow0}L^{\alpha}f(E,L),
\end{equation}
where $f_E(E)$ should be finite and nonzero for values of $E$ at
least in some nonempty subset of all the accessible values of
$E\in[0,\psi_0]$. Then the original DF can be written in a form of
equation~(\ref{eq:dfg}) as
\begin{equation}
f(E,L)=L^{-\alpha}\left[f_E(E)+f_1(E,L)\right]\,;\qquad
f_1(E,L)=L^{\alpha}f(E,L)-f_E(E).
\end{equation}
and it is obvious to show that
\begin{equation}
f_1(E,L=0)=\lim_{L\rightarrow0}L^{\alpha}f(E,L)-f_E(E)=0.
\end{equation}
For example, for the DF of the form given by \citet{Cu91},
\begin{equation}
f(E,L)=L^{-2\beta_0}f_0(Q)\,;\qquad
Q\equiv E-\frac{L^2}{2r_\mathrm{a}^2},
\end{equation}
the reduction is given by
\begin{equation}
f(E,L)=L^{-2\beta_0}\left[f_0(E)+f_1(E,L)\right]\,;\qquad
f_1(E,L)=f_0(Q)-f_0(E).
\end{equation}
\end{appendix}
\label{end}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
}
| 416
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On the quest to find her missing mother, prim and proper Enne Salta became reluctant allies with Levi Glaisyer, the city's most famous con man. Saving his life in the Shadow Game forced Enne to assume the identity of Seance, a mysterious underworld figure. Now, with the Chancellor of the Republic dead and bounties on both their heads, she and Levi must play a dangerous game of crime and politics...with the very fate of New Reynes at stake.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 5,234
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Judge orders Pacifica yoga studio that held mask-free classes to shut down
By Rob Roth and KTVU staff
Pacifica Beach Yoga was closed Friday, but it took a court order to do it. Studio owner Thomas Antoon says he may defy it.
PACIFICA. Calif. - Pacifica Beach Yoga was closed Friday, but it took a court order to enforce the closure.
Studio owner Thomas Antoon says he may defy it.
"I'm hoping to be back open Tuesday. I'm going to talk to some people Monday and make sure I've got things under control the way I want it," he said.
Antoon acknowledges that up until Thursday night he has been ignoring the California and San Mateo County health orders by conducting hour-long indoor hot yoga sessions for up to 10 people at a time in 105-degree heat inside. The studio is located at 1615 Oceana Blvd.
Masks? They were optional.
"They say can I take this mask off. It's your choice. Can I practice with the mask off? It's your choice," said Antoon.
San Mateo County took the studio to court Thursday and got a superior court judge to issue a temporary restraining order to keep it closed for the time being.
Warning issued to Pacifica yoga studio for mask violation
"We tried to educate him and make him aware for several months. We talked to him we find him. It still didn't work," said San Mateo County Board of Supervisors President David Canepa.
Those fines total $3,750. Antoon said he doesn't have the money to pay it.
Antoon said he believes he hasn't done anything wrong. He claims no COVID cases have come from his studio. He argued that he is an essential business and his constitutional rights have been trampled by forcing him to shut down.
"Why do you want me to close? We're not forcing you to come in. So don't come in. We're not hurting anyone because we are not permeating the virus from the studio," he said.
"It is not about someone's profits right now. It is about public health. And that is where we are at," said Canepa
"I don't think they will enforce the restraining order. I don't think they will. And if they do, shame on them," said Antoon.
County officials said the clients of the studio also bear a responsibility to follow the health order. But it doesn't appear the county will go after them. At least not yet.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 2,968
|
classdef myMDDRefSubclass < MDDRef & matlab.mixin.Copyable
% mySubclass class inherets from the MDDRef class
properties (Access = private)
valueObj
valueObjClass = myMDDSubclass
end
methods
function obj = myMDDRefSubclass(varargin)
metaObj = ? myMDDRefSubclass;
valueObjClass = metaObj.PropertyList(strcmp('valueObjClass', {metaObj.PropertyList.Name})).DefaultValue;
obj@MDDRef(valueObjClass, varargin{:});
end
end
end
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 5,638
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Шри-Ланка (, Śrī Lankā; , Ilaṅkai) — государство, известное в истории под разными названиями. Современное название происходит от санскритских слов «шри» («славный, великолепный, благословенный») и «ланка» («земля»). Под британским господством остров был известен как Цейлон с 1815 по 1972 год. Современное официальное название страны — Демократическая Социалистическая Республика Шри-Ланка (, ).
Исторические варианты названия
Ланка
«Ланка» — название, данное острову в индийской эпической поэме «Рамаяна». Есть точка зрения, что название «Ланка» происходит от тамильского слова «ilanku» (இலங்கு), что означает «сиять» или «сверкать»; таким образом, название «Ланка» обозначает «то, что блестит». По-видимому, это название обусловлено сверканием золота и драгоценных камней, найденных на поверхности острова.
Другая теория гласит, что слово «Ланка» означает просто «остров». Это слово из австроазиатских языков и широко используется аборигенами Центральной и Восточной Индии для обозначения островов. Аборигены Шри-Ланки — ведды — говорят на языке ведда, который является креольским языком на основе сингальского и предположительно древнего языка веддов, который не зафиксирован наукой. Поскольку Шри-Ланка — крупнейший остров Юго-Восточной Азии, вероятно, нарицательное «ланка» для него стало именем собственным. На сингальском языке Lak-vaesiyaa означает жителя острова Ланка. Lak-diva на древнесингальском означает «остров Ланка». Другим традиционным сингальским названием для Шри-Ланки было Lakdiva, где фрагмент -diva также означал «остров». Ещё одно традиционное название острова — Lakbima. Компонент Lak в обоих случаях снова получен из Lanka. Это же название могло в тамильском языке принять форму Ilankai (для тамильского языка характерно добавление «i» перед начальным «l»).
Цейлон, Серендип и связанные с ними названия
Длительное время остров был известен под названием «Цейлон», которое имеет длинную историю, восходящую к древности. Одна из теорий происхождения этого названия выводит топоним из слова Cerentivu, что означает буквально «Остров Черас», тамильский термин, означающий «холм». Другая теория гласит, что это название, происходит от санскритского слова Siṃhaladvīpaḥ (где компонент Siṃhalaḥ означает «Шри Ланка» и dvīpaḥ — «остров»). Остров был известен римлянам как Серендиви, арабам как Серрандиб и персам как Серендип; от него происходит слово «серендипность» (термин, происходящий из английского языка и обозначающий способность, делая глубокие выводы из случайных наблюдений, находить то, чего не искал намеренно). Отсюда же пошло и древнегреческое название острова — «Силен Дива», а также названия на многих европейских языках: , , , или Ceylan, , Ceilan и Seylon, . Птолемей назвал остров «Салике», а его и жителей — «Салаи».
Ещё одно известное название Шри-Ланки — «Хелабима», что означает «земля сингалов». В Бхагавата-пуране и легендарной хронике XII века Раджатарангини, написанной на санскрите, остров именуется Siṃhāla. Это название иногда интерпретируется как «обитель львов» и приписывается некогда существовавшему обилию львов на острове.
Тапробана
Согласно некоторым легендам, , прибыв на остров, дал ему название «Тамрапарни». Это слово может быть переведено как «лист медного цвета», из слов «Тамирам» («медь» на санскрите) и «варни» (цвет). Другая точка зрения — что «Тамара» означает «красный» и «парани» — «дерево», поэтому название в целом может означать «дерево с красными листьями». — также древнее название реки близ города Тирунелвели, бывшего столицей королевства Пандья, расположенного в индийском штате Тамилнад. Это название на языке пали записывается как Tambaparni.
В греческий язык название в виде Тапробана ввёл известный путешественник Мегасфен в IV веке до нашей эры. Греческое название было адаптировано на средневековом ирландском языке (в «Книге захватов») как Deprofane (Recension 2) и Tibra Faine (Recension 3). «Книга захватов» размещала остров у побережья Индии, предположительно в одной из стран, откуда вышли мифологические предки ирландцев — сыновья Миля.
Название «Тапробана» для острова оставалось в употреблении в средневековой Европе, наряду с другими названиями — персидским Серендипом, «Трапробаной», упомянутой в первой строфе «Лузиады» португальского поэта Луиша де Камоэнса. Английский поэт Джон Мильтон использовал это название в своей эпической поэме «Потерянный рай», а Сервантес упоминает фантастическую Тапробану в своём «Дон-Кихоте».
Название в политическом контексте
Название «Шри-Ланка» активно использовалось в первой половине XX века. Название было использовано марксистской партией Ланка Сама Самаджа, основанной в 1935 году. Божественный титул «Шри» был включён в название Партии свободы Шри-Ланки (, Sri Lanka Nidahas Pakshaya), основанной в 1952 году. Название «Республика Шри-Ланка» было официально принято в качестве названия страны в новой конституции 1972 года и изменено на «Демократическая Социалистическая Республика Шри-Ланка» в конституции 1978 года.
См. также
Тапробана
Примечания
Литература
Ссылки
Древние названия Шри-Ланки
Топонимия Шри-Ланки
Шри-Ланка
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Trains from Kenilworth to Hednesford
Home Destinations Hednesford Trains from Kenilworth to Hednesford
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{"url":"http:\/\/tutor.leiacademy.org\/qa\/index.php\/1015\/spring-and-energy-problem","text":"# Spring and energy problem\n\n0 votes\n279 views\n\nA ball of mass m = 1.80 kg is released from rest at a height h = 0.650 m above a light vertical spring of force constant k as shown in caption (a) of the figure. The ball strikes the top of the spring and compresses it a distance d = 0.090 m where it comes to rest (see caption (b)).\u00a0 Assume no energy losses in the spring and the collision. Find the force constant k using energy considerations. Hint: Choose the final position of the mass as yg = 0. Note that an uncompressed spring has zero potential energy.\n\nasked Oct 27, 2014 in General\n\n## 1 Answer\n\n0 votes\nAssume h is measured from the top of the spring, then the total vertical displacement is h+d. The change of gravitational potential energy is then mg(h+d). When it stopped by the spring, the potential energy in the spring is equal to mg(h+d). Therefore, we have $mg(h+d)=\\frac 12 kd^2$. \u00a0Solve for k.\nanswered Oct 27, 2014 by (21,750 points)","date":"2017-12-16 07:05:44","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8328295946121216, \"perplexity\": 691.3585415572891}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 20, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": false}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2017-51\/segments\/1512948585297.58\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20171216065121-20171216091121-00226.warc.gz\"}"}
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Адела или Адел (), је женско име које се користи у многим језицима, води порекло из немачког језика (), (), () и има значење: племенит.
Име је у мађарски језик ушло из француског језика ()
Сродно име: ().
__БЕЗСАДРЖАЈА__
Имендани
29. јануар.
24. децембар.
Варијације у осталим језицима
(),
(),
(),
(),
(),
().
Види још
Варијације имена у разним језицима
Женска имена
en:Adléta
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!not-ready-for-release!
#### Version Number
${version-number}
#### New Features
#### Breaking Changes
- 378627: Removes worker-testing-util and worker-testing-integration
Those modules have been migrated to the [worker-framework-testing](https://github.com/WorkerFramework/worker-framework-testing)
#### Known Issues
- None
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\section{Introduction}
In 1983 Islam, \cite{islam}, showed that the trajectory of light in Schwarzschild de Sitter, henceforth SdS, space is independent of the cosmological constant. As we shall see, this conclusion is, for the most part, correct but does not imply that physical measurements associated with trajectories of light do not depend on $\Lambda$ as well. Making this concept clear will enable us to see a source of confusion in some of the recent literature on the topic. It seems that merely based on Islam's work it was generally assumed that $\Lambda$ plays no role in gravitational lensing phenomena and has no place in the analysis; and that the appearance of $\Lambda$ in some equations could be transformed away, in one way or another, and therefore is artificial, revealing the true independence on $\Lambda$. This general belief turns out to be true only in situations where no measurements made by specific observers are considered. However, to study the phenomenon properly, it is important to consider measurements made by observers and the dependence of measurable quantities on the system parameters. In 2007 Rindler and Ishak, \cite{ri1}, showed that if measurable intersection angles are considered, in a standard simple setup of gravitational deflection of light, then results of interest do depend on $\Lambda$. Rindler and Ishak's conclusions immediately led to both enthusiasm and scepticism; perhaps they were mistakenly seen to be in direct contradiction to the common belief that followed after Islam's work. Since their original paper, there was much activity surrounding this topic. Some authors searched for other setups and methods of analysis in which results of interest depend on $\Lambda$ in support of Rindler and Ishak's conclusions, see for example \cite{sereno1}, \cite{bbs}, \cite{schucker1}, \cite{kcd}. Others tried to find errors in Rindler and Ishak's work and explain the invalidity of their conclusions, and ultimately show that the traditional approach to the topic needs no modification, see for example \cite{park}, \cite{ak}, \cite{kp}, \cite{simpson}. All together, the papers that followed \cite{ri1} amount to a very interesting discussion of the subject, in which, unfortunately, there are no definitively agreed upon answers to many important questions. In what follows we attempt to make the theory abundantly clear and explain the exact role of $\Lambda$ in gravitational lensing phenomena. We discuss and clarify key issues and illuminate sources of disagreement in the recent literature. In turn we hope to settle the ongoing debate on the influence of $\Lambda$ and present a clear description of light deflection phenomenon in SdS space together with all the necessary tools for analyzing any setup.
Along the course of our investigation, we derive and introduce an invariant general formula, which allows the determination of a measurable intersection angle from fundamental parameters. This formula seems to be essential in the study of the present topic, but quite surprisingly is missing from the current literature. We also address the role of relativistic aberration of light in the analysis and demonstrate how our general formula encompasses this effect and allows for a simple way to account for it. In fact, the general formula can be used to derive an invariant aberration equation, applicable to any background geometry and orientation, and which reduces to the known aberration equation as a special case. The general angle formula and the general aberration equation we present may be considered as some of the most significant results of this paper; their applicability may extend to multiple areas well beyond the current topic.
Our presentation is organized as follows. In section \ref{sec2} we discuss the influence of $\Lambda$ on the geometry and build an intuitive understanding of how this may lead to the appearance of $\Lambda$ in results of interest. In section \ref{sec3} we turn our attention to null geodesics and address the fundamental issue regarding the appearance of $\Lambda$ in the orbital equation of light and its solution. In section \ref{sec4} we continue the discussion of the above issue and present the necessary tools needed to pose and answer some important questions. In section \ref{sec5} we derive the general formula for measurable intersection angles and demonstrate its use in a few applications. Finally, in section \ref{sec6} we discuss some of the recent papers on the topic and respond to their results and conclusions.
\section{Underlying geometry and diagrams} \label{sec2}
Consider the Kottler metric \cite{kot}, describing SdS spacetime,
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = -f(r)\mathrm{d}t^2+\frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f(r)}+r^2\sin^2(\theta)\mathrm{d}\phi^2+r^2\mathrm{d}\theta^2, \label{tp1e1}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation*}
f(r)=1-\frac{2m}{r}-\frac{\Lambda}{3}r^2.
\end{equation*}
Here we have an object of mass $m$ at the centre of the coordinates, in a universe with a cosmological constant $\Lambda > 0$. The range that we are interested in is $f(r)>0$; for the case where both $m$ and $\Lambda$ are sufficiently small, this implies that $r_{Sch.}<r<r_{dS}$, where $r_{Sch.} \approx 2m$ and $r_{dS} \approx \sqrt{\frac{3}{\Lambda}}$. In this range, $t$ is a time-like coordinate while $r$, $\phi$ and $\theta$ are space-like coordinates. $r_{Sch.}$ and $r_{dS}$ are known as the Schwarzschild and the de Sitter horizons, respectively. Sometimes also called the inner and outer horizons, respectively, in the context of SdS space. It is easily verified that any orbit in this geometry can be confined to a single azimuthally symmetric spatial slice containing the origin. Therefore, without loss of generality we can take $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$, and consider motion in the sub spacetime, with the metric
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = -f(r)\mathrm{d}t^2+\frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f(r)}+r^2\mathrm{d}\phi^2. \label{tp1e2}
\end{equation}
It is useful to take slices of constant $t$ in this spacetime and study orbits in the two dimensional subspace, parametrized by $r$ and $\phi$. The metric on such a slice of space is
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = \frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f(r)}+r^2\mathrm{d}\phi^2. \label{tp1e3}
\end{equation}
It is immediately evident that this space is not flat, however since it is parametrized by polar coordinates, ($r$,$\phi$), we can construct flat diagrams depicting the orbits taking place in the slice. We must however keep in mind the difference between our flat diagrams and the curved physical space in which measurements may take place. That is, diagrams will be drawn on a flat ($r$,$\phi$) plane, real events will be taking place in the curved spacetime, a slice of which is represented by metric \eqref{tp1e3}. Making this distinction is particularly important when considering angles. Intersection angles between curves appearing on the flat diagram may be considerably different when projected onto the curved physical space. For a visual demonstration of the issue let us consider the portion of SdS space in between the two horizons and isometrically embed the two dimensional slice with metric \eqref{tp1e3} in flat three dimensional space. Through an isometric embedding, which preserves distances, we can picture the structure of the underlying geometry in which the physical events take place. To this end, let us take a flat 3-space with cylindrical coordinates ($\rho$,$\varphi$,$z$) and metric
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = \mathrm{d}\rho^2+r^2\mathrm{d}\varphi^2+\mathrm{d}z^2. \label{tp1e4}
\end{equation}
The complete description of the embedding is complicated for $m \neq 0$ and $\Lambda \neq 0$, but when both parameters are small enough, specifically when the product $m\sqrt{\Lambda}$ is negligibly small, then a convenient approximation can be used to get the shape of the surface. We consider this, realistic, case of such small parameters and approximate the embedded surface for small and large $r$ in turn.
For small $r$, $\Lambda r^2 \approx 0$, and the metric of \eqref{tp1e3} is approximately
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = \frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f_{\Lambda=0}(r)}+r^2\mathrm{d}\phi^2, \label{tp1e5}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation*}
f_{\Lambda=0}(r)=1-\frac{2m}{r}.
\end{equation*}
Embedding this 2-surface in the flat 3-space of metric \eqref{tp1e4} yields the following relationships:
\begin{equation*}
\rho=r,\qquad \varphi=\phi,\qquad z=2\sqrt{2m(r-2m)}.
\end{equation*}
The embedded surface is therefore the set in flat 3-space satisfying
\begin{equation*}
z=2\sqrt{2m(\rho-2m)}.
\end{equation*}
It is known as Flamm's paraboloid. To ensure a one to one correspondence of points we only consider one half of the paraboloid, allowing only positive $z$ on the embedded surface. Hence, at small $r$ the intrinsic geometry of the surface described by metric \eqref{tp1e3} can be approximated by Flamm's paraboloid, shown in Figure \ref{fig1}.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig1}
\caption{Flamm's paraboloid and a flat plane. The curved surface represents the physical space close to the mass while the plane above is useful in making flat diagrams. The correspondence between the points of the plane and the points of the curved surface is by direct projection, as depicted in the diagram.} \label{fig1}
\end{figure}
For large $r$, $\frac{m}{r} \approx 0$, and the metric of \eqref{tp1e3} is approximately
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = \frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f_{m=0}(r)}+r^2\mathrm{d}\phi^2, \label{tp1e6}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation*}
f_{m=0}(r)=1-\frac{\Lambda}{3}r^2.
\end{equation*}
Embedding this 2-surface in the flat 3-space of metric \eqref{tp1e4} yields the following relationships.
\begin{equation*}
\rho=r,\qquad \varphi=\phi,\qquad z=\sqrt{\frac{3}{\Lambda}-r^2}.
\end{equation*}
The embedded surface is therefore the set in flat 3-space satisfying
\begin{equation*}
z=\sqrt{\frac{3}{\Lambda}-\rho^2}.
\end{equation*}
It describes half of a spherical shell. To ensure a one to one correspondence of points we only consider positive values of $z$ on the embedded surface. Hence, at large values of $r$, the intrinsic geometry of the surface described by metric \eqref{tp1e3} can be approximated by half of a spherical shell, shown in Figure \ref{fig2}.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig2}
\caption{Half spherical shell and a flat plane. The curved surface represents the physical space far away from the mass while the plane above is useful in making flat diagrams. The correspondence between the points of the plane and the points of the curved surface is by direct projection, as depicted in the diagram.} \label{fig2}
\end{figure}
The overall shape of the embedded surface of metric \eqref{tp1e3} can be approximated by piecing together Flamm's paraboloid for small $r$ and the half shell for large $r$. This resulting surface, depicted in Figure \ref{fig3}, is a qualitative representation of the shape of the slice; its main use is in visualizing how the distances associated with the coordinates stretch due to intrinsic geometry. One may argue that to properly connect the surfaces of large $r$ and small $r$, the lower half of the spherical shell at large $r$ must be used, that is, $z$ must be taken negative in the transformation when ensuring bijection, however, for our purposes this is not important. This visualization will be an aid in qualitatively understanding how the system parameters $m$ and $\Lambda$ affect measurable angles.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig3}
\caption{An embedded curved surface, representing a slice of SdS space, and a flat plane. The curved surface represents the physical space while the plane above is useful in making flat diagrams. The correspondence between the points of the plane and the points of the curved surface is by direct projection, as depicted in the diagram.} \label{fig3}
\end{figure}
Let us consider a static observer in the sub spacetime with metric \eqref{tp1e2} and constant coordinates ($r_{obs},\phi_{obs}$). Let the local frame of this observer be confined to this sub spacetime as well, that is $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$ and $\mathrm{d}\theta=0$. Since the direction of increasing proper time of the local frame of this observer coincides with the direction of increasing $t$, the space portion of the observer's frame coincides with a local patch around ($r_{obs},\phi_{obs}$) in the ($r,\phi$) surface with metric \eqref{tp1e3}. That is, the space, and curvature, around the static observer can be described by metric \eqref{tp1e3}, and can be visualized as a small patch on the isometrically embedded surface of Figure \ref{fig3}. This fact makes the special case of a static observer particularly useful in building understanding. However, outcomes of measurements generally depend on the motion of observers, and therefore a more detailed treatment is required for a complete description and establishment of practical relationships. As we progress to derive some general results, for arbitrary observers, we shall treat the case of a static observer at every step where observable angles are of interest. It will serve as a simple example of the physical phenomena at hand and as a specific case for others to be compared with.
Consider now two arbitrary curves on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane, intersecting at a point $p$. These curves may describe actual trajectories taking place in the curved physical space with metric \eqref{tp1e3}. The true (spatial) shape of these trajectories is fully determined only when projected from the flat plane onto the curved space, where the trajectories may physically exist. Consider a static observer at $p$ who makes a measurement of the intersection angle between the two curves. The situation is illustrated in Figure \ref{fig4} below. From the discussion in the previous paragraph, it is apparent that intersection angles measured by a static observer will be those on the embedded surface, which are sustained by the projected curves. Clearly, the Euclidean intersection angle, $\alpha_E$, appearing on the flat plane is different than the measurable intersection angle, $\alpha_M$, appearing on the embedded, curved, surface, see Figure \ref{fig4}. This is precisely the point we aim to make, and a fact that must be kept in mind when plotting curves that represent physical trajectories, on the flat plane.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig4}
\caption{Embedded SdS slice and a flat plane with intersecting trajectories. The intersection angle $\alpha_E$ is Euclidean and belongs to the flat plane. The intersection angle $\alpha_M$ takes place on the curved surface and measurable by a static observer.} \label{fig4}
\end{figure}
The difference between $\alpha_E$ and $\alpha_M$ comes only from the fact that the physical space is curved due to $m$ and $\Lambda$. It is already clear, qualitatively, that even if one of $m$ or $\Lambda$ were zero these angles would still not equal, and given the angle $\alpha_E$ one would need both $m$ and $\Lambda$ to find $\alpha_M$, and vice versa. Finally, we see that while the Euclidean angle, $\alpha_E$, depends only on the shape of the curves, the measurable angle, $\alpha_M$, depends on both the shape of the curves and the shape of the space itself, in which the true trajectories exist and intersect. The dependence of the shape of the space on the system parameters is clear and comes directly from the given metric. The dependence of the shape of curves on the parameters is determined in accordance to the particular situation being analyzed. Of course, the curves of central interest in the present work are the ones describing trajectories of light rays.
Let us restate the main conclusions of this section that are important to keep in mind in what follows. First, a clear distinction must be made between quantities that belong to the flat (Euclidean) plane on which diagrams are drawn, and quantities that are physically measurable. And second, to properly account for the various ways of influence when considering the dependence of measurable intersection angles between curves on the system parameters in general, one must consider both effects of the parameters on the curves and on the geometry of the space, where curves may physically exist and measurements may take place.
\section{Trajectories of light rays in SdS space and their dependence on $\Lambda$} \label{sec3}
Again we confine the motion to the plane $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$ without loss of generality, and use metric \eqref{tp1e2}. The two trivial Killing vectors ($\frac{\partial}{\partial t}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial \phi}$), along with the null condition, satisfied by trajectories of light, yield the following equations.
\begin{equation*}
\frac{d\phi}{d\lambda}=\frac{l}{r^2},\qquad \frac{dt}{d\lambda}=\frac{\gamma}{f(r)},
\end{equation*}
\begin{equation*}
-f(r)\left(\frac{dt}{d\lambda}\right)^2+\frac{\left(\frac{dr}{d\lambda}\right)^2}{f(r)}+r^2\left(\frac{d\phi}{d\lambda}\right)^2=0.
\end{equation*}
Here, $\lambda$ is an affine parameter, parametrizing the trajectory, and $l$ and $\gamma$ are constants of the motion. These equations can be combined to give the differential equation, satisfied by a curve in the ($r,\phi$) plane, describing the path of a light ray.
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\left(\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}\right)r^2+\frac{2m}{r}-1\right], \label{tp2e1}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation*}
b=\frac{l}{\gamma}.
\end{equation*}
Solutions for this equation divide into a few categories and exhibit a number of interesting features. Although obtaining the exact solutions is not simple, they do exist in the literature, \cite{lake}, and can be used at any time to describe a path exactly or to test the validity of an approximation to any degree of accuracy. Fortunately, for realistic values of $m$ and $r$, the combination $\frac{m}{r}$ is very small, and approximations in the low orders of $\frac{m}{r}$ prove to be very accurate. Such approximations are most popular in the literature and textbooks on the subject, but it is comforting to know that exact solutions exist as well. The type of trajectories we shall mainly be interested in is the one for which there is an axis of symmetry along with other important features that we discuss in what follows. Such symmetric trajectories have a point of closest approach, with a minimum value of $r$, and extend to infinity (in the analytical sense, on the ($r,\phi$) plane) on both sides of the axis of symmetry. It can be shown that the value of $r$ for these trajectories does not go below $3m$. In regions where the value of $r$ is much larger than $m$, these trajectories exhibit asymptotic behaviour and can be described by straight lines, referred to as the asymptotes of the trajectory. The features listed here are well known and easy to establish analytically. We shall not cover all the mathematical details here but rather give an account of the key physical features and parameters that are important for what follows.
Concentrating on the symmetric trajectories with a point of closest approach, let the coordinates of this point be ($r_0,\phi_0$). At this point, the derivative $\frac{dr}{d\phi}$ is zero, and equation \eqref{tp2e1} gives
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}=\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}. \label{tp2e1a}
\end{equation}
Let us also define a third parameter, $B$, as follows.
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{B^2}=\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}=\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}. \label{tp2e2}
\end{equation}
This allows us to write equation \eqref{tp2e1} in three ways using the three different parameters, $b$, $r_0$ and $B$. So in addition to \eqref{tp2e1} we also have, for convenience,
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\left(\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}\right)r^2+\frac{2m}{r}-1\right], \label{tp2e3}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\frac{r^2}{B^2}+\frac{2m}{r}-1\right]. \label{tp2e4}
\end{equation}
Notice that only when the parameter $b$ is used in the governing differential equation does $\Lambda$ make an appearance. All three parameters will be discussed in considerable detail in the next section. Without any mathematical labour, we can assume that a required solution to equation \eqref{tp2e4} (as well as \eqref{tp2e3} and \eqref{tp2e1}) exists and can be written as follows, using either of the three parameters.
\begin{equation}
r=r(\phi,m,B,C), \label{tp2e5}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
r=r(\phi,m,\sqrt{\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}},C)=r(\phi,m,r_0,C), \label{tp2e6}
\end{equation}
or
\begin{equation}
r=r(\phi,m,\sqrt{\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}},C)=r(\phi,m,\Lambda,b,C). \label{tp2e7}
\end{equation}
Here, $C$ is a constant of integration that is related to the orientation of the path. In each case there are two independent constants of motion to find in order to determine a specific trajectory in the subspace of interest, which is a particular set of points ($r,\phi$) through which the light ray passes. To this end, we must consider some boundary conditions. In what follows, four different sets of boundary conditions will be discussed in turn. We shall always assume that the value of $m$ is given in addition to any boundary conditions.
\subsubsection*{Set 1: Two known points through which the trajectory passes}
Let $p_1$ and $p_2$ be two points in space through which the light ray passes, with coordinates ($r_1,\phi_1$) and ($r_2,\phi_2$), respectively. Assume that the path of light connecting these points satisfies the conditions discussed above, i.e. point of closest approach, symmetry etc. Using the boundary conditions in \eqref{tp2e5} gives the following two equations with two unknowns.
\begin{equation*}
r_1= r(\phi_1,m,B,C), \qquad r_2=r(\phi_2,m,B,C).
\end{equation*}
It can be shown that the values of $B$ and $C$ are in general not unique for such boundary conditions; the possible values constitute a countable set, describing a family of curves connecting the two points. In this family each curve has a specific value of $r_0$, and there exists a unique trajectory with the largest value of $r_0$ connecting the two points. In practice, it is this trajectory which is usually of primary concern, and the one that is often approximated to various orders in $m$. Either way, it can be shown in general that for given two points in space connected by the path of light, a given mass $m$, and some additional restriction (which may be set by a requirement on the time-like interval or space-like distance of travel), it is possible to find unique values of $B(p_1,p_2,m)$ and $C(p_1,p_2,m)$, for which equation \eqref{tp2e5} will describe the required unique trajectory. Of course, an identical procedure can be followed by using equation \eqref{tp2e6} and the parameters $r_0$ and $C$ instead, leading to identical conclusions. Therefore, these considerations reveal that for such boundary conditions, the trajectory, which is a set of points on the ($r,\phi$) plane satisfying the governing equation, depends only on the mass $m$ and the two points in space $p_1$ and $p_2$ through which it passes; it is independent of $\Lambda$ in the simple sense that changing the value of $\Lambda$ will not alter the path satisfying these boundary conditions. In other words, with these boundary conditions the path of light in the subspace parametrized by $r$ and $\phi$ can be determined with or without knowledge of $\Lambda$.
\subsubsection*{Set 2: Known point of closest approach}
Let ($r_0,\phi_0$) be the coordinates of the point of closest approach of the trajectory. Since in this case $r_0$ is known from the start, we can use equation \eqref{tp2e3} as our first integral, for which all the parameters are known. Integrating this equation will give a solution of the form \eqref{tp2e6}, in which only the parameter $C$ remains to be determined from the boundary conditions. Plugging $r_0$ and $\phi_0$ in \eqref{tp2e6} gives an equation for $C$, which for a given choice of branch establishes a unique value of C($r_0,\phi_0,m$). That is, for these boundary conditions there is a unique path. The values of $B$ and $C$ are determined uniquely (up to a sign, which does not affect the shape of the path) from the values of $r_0$, $\phi_0$ and $m$. Again, we see that $\Lambda$ has no influence on the path in the same sense as for the previous set of boundary conditions. Varying the value of $\Lambda$ does not alter the path. A little investigation reveals that the parameter $B$, which depends only on $r_0$ and $m$, determines the overall shape of the path, while the parameter $C$ only determines the orientation (the direction of the axis of symmetry). Due to this fact and no loss of generality in setting orientation, it is often sufficient to use only the parameter $B$ to describe the path in many situations. These boundary conditions are particularly useful due to the uniqueness of the corresponding paths and the ability to find the parameter $B$ directly, without the need for integration or knowledge of $\Lambda$, from equation \eqref{tp2e2}.
\subsubsection*{Set 3: Known point on the path and direction of travel}
This set of boundary conditions can be considered as a generalization of the previous set. Let ($r_1,\phi_1$) be a known point on the path and $\alpha_E$ be the given Euclidean intersection angle on the flat diagram, sustained by the path of light under investigation and the radial path of light passing through ($r_1,\phi_1$). The situation is depicted in the following figure.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig5}
\caption{A typical symmetric path of light on the flat $(r,\phi)$ plane, passing through a point with coordinates ($r_1,\phi_1$). The figure also shows the point of closest approach of this path, with $r=r_0$, and a radial path of light, which also passes through the point ($r_1,\phi_1$). The intersection angle between the two paths on this flat diagram is $\alpha_E$.} \label{fig5}
\end{figure}
In the flat, Euclidean, space of this diagram, the angle $\alpha_E$ is related to the differentials of the path at this point in the following way:
\begin{equation*}
\tan(\alpha_E)=r_1\left|\frac{d\phi}{dr}\right|_{(r_1,\phi_1)}.
\end{equation*}
This relationship can be easily formed by considering the local space around ($r_1,\phi_1$), and separating the radial and angular components of the tangent to the path. For simplicity let us drop the absolute value, and from now on assume that when there is a sign ambiguity it is the positive that is taken. The above can then be immediately rearranged to obtain $\frac{d\phi}{dr}$ as a function of $r_1$ and $\alpha_E$. Thus, boundary conditions which give a known point and a Euclidean intersection angle with a radial line at that point are equivalent to giving a known point and a derivative at that point. With these boundary conditions equations \eqref{tp2e3} and \eqref{tp2e4} can be used to find the parameters $r_0$ and $B$, either of which is sufficient to find the overall shape of the path, up to orientation. Upon integration, the parameter $C$ can be found as well by plugging the point ($r_1,\phi_1$) in the resulting relationship of the form \eqref{tp2e5} or \eqref{tp2e6}. Thus, with these boundary conditions the path is determined uniquely; the set of points ($r,\phi$) through which the light ray passes depends only on $m$, $r_1$, $\phi_1$ and $\alpha_E$. As in both previous cases, the trajectory does not depend on $\Lambda$. We see that this set of boundary conditions is in a sense equivalent to set 2, which may be considered as a special case. Whether it is set 1 that is initially given (with some condition to ensure uniqueness) or set 3, it may be convenient in each case to find the value of $r_0$ and classify the path according to this parameter, since its interpretation is intuitive and it is all that is needed for a complete description of the path, up to orientation. With this in mind, we shall always assume that a given trajectory of light, of the required type, may be uniquely described by a set of values $m$, $r_0$ and $\phi_0$, regardless of what Euclidean, or coordinate related, boundary conditions that are in the plane we initially start with.
\subsubsection*{Set 4: Known point on the path and a measurable intersection angle}
Let ($r_1,\phi_1$) be a known point on the path and $\alpha_M$ be the measurable intersection angle, at this point, between the trajectory of light under investigation and the radial trajectory of light, passing through ($r_1,\phi_1$), measured by an observer with 4-velocity $U$. This set of boundary conditions is different from the previous three sets in a fundamental way. It includes a directly measurable quantity as a boundary condition. Although the coordinates of the points $p_1$, $p_2$, ($r_0,\phi_0$), ($r_1,\phi_1$) and the derivative (or $\alpha_E$) of sets 1, 2 and 3 can, in principle, be determined through measurements, they are all Euclidean quantities that belong to the flat diagram. They may or may not have a physical interpretation as well, but their mathematical origin in the analysis has nothing to do with actual measurements. In contrast, the current set of boundary conditions includes a measurable angle, which may have a complicated relationship with the Euclidean quantities appearing on the plane that are needed to determine the path. Considering the discussion of the previous section and referring to Figure \ref{fig4}, we see that for the special case of a static observer, there can be constructed an intuitive relationship between the measurable angle $\alpha_M$ and the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$. In this special case, which serves as a clear example, out of the parameters appearing in the relationship between $\alpha_M$ and $\alpha_E$ there will be both $m$ and $\Lambda$, since they both influence the geometry of the embedded space. In general, for an observer with arbitrary 4-velocity, $U$, the relationship between the angles will contain $m$, $\Lambda$, $r_1$, and the components of $U$ as parameters. Thus, to determine the path in the ($r,\phi$) plane with these boundary conditions one can find the Euclidean intersection angle, $\alpha_E$, from $\alpha_M$, $m$, $\Lambda$, $r_1$, and $U$, and use it along with the point ($r_1,\phi_1$) as in the case of set 3. Evidently, this set of boundary conditions is, in some sense, equivalent to set 3, both sets yield a unique path. With a given observer, for the current set, there is a one to one correspondence with the parameters of set 3, which can be used to convert from one set of boundary conditions to another. It is clear that the value of $\Lambda$ must be known in order to convert $\alpha_M$ of this set into $\alpha_E$ of set 3. In fact, without the knowledge of $\Lambda$ it is not possible to find the trajectory of light which satisfies the boundary conditions of the current set. Hence, with these boundary conditions the path is determined by $m$, $\Lambda$, $r_1$, $\phi_1$, $\alpha_M$, and $U$. We notice that $\Lambda$ does affect the path in this case, and, overall, it affects the path when certain (directly) measurable parameters are used as boundary conditions. It does not affect the path if all the boundary conditions are Euclidean or coordinate related, which appear on the flat diagram.\\
With the above examples in mind we see that, in contrast to the influence of $m$, the influence of $\Lambda$ on a path of light can come only from uncommon boundary conditions that are usually associated with measurements. Since in most cases in the literature the boundary conditions are coordinate-like, or Euclidean, then in light of the above examples it may be loosely concluded that $\Lambda$ has no direct affect on the resulting paths. However, this common conclusion may be somewhat misleading if the assumptions on the boundary conditions are not stated explicitly. Indeed, it is important to keep in mind that no general conclusions should be made regarding the overall influence of $\Lambda$, which is sensitive to the particular situation being analyzed. As an additional example to set 4, which brings in $\Lambda$ through an observable quantity, consider a set of boundary conditions that contains two points on the path, one of them being the position of the source emitting the light ray; in the cosmological context this source could be a distant galaxy. Such a set is similar to set 1, it can be used in an identical way to establish the path of the ray, though it may have one important difference in regards to $\Lambda$. Given some astrophysical model, or tabulated data, which provides the position of the source, it could be the case that the position is a function of both time and $\Lambda$, and therefore, the appearance of $\Lambda$ once again will come from the boundary conditions but in a different way than it was for set 4. Thus, we stress that the influence of $\Lambda$ on a path of light and associated quantities of interest depends closely on the particular situation being analyzed, and in saying that a path is independent of $\Lambda$ one implicitly means that the path is subject to coordinate-like, or Euclidean, boundary conditions which do not depend on $\Lambda$ themselves.
Overall, it should be clear now in what way $\Lambda$ may influence a path of light, and how its influence is hidden in measurements, or rather, more generally, in boundary conditions. When analyzing a common setup, it may be straightforward to foresee whether $\Lambda$ will have an influence on results of interest or not. Let us consider a set of Euclidean boundary conditions, such as one of the first three sets discussed, and investigate the qualitative dependence of the resulting path of light in the ($r,\phi$) plane on the system parameters $m$ and $\Lambda$. As explained, it is convenient to convert any given set of Euclidean boundary conditions to the set of $r_0$, $\phi_0$, if it is not initially expressed as such. Further, without loss of generality, for illustration purposes we can orient the coordinates so that $\phi_0=\frac{\pi}{2}$. The following figures depict the dependence of the path on the parameters $m$ and $\Lambda$, for a set value of $r_0$.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig6}
\caption{A typical symmetric path of light on the flat $(r,\phi)$ plane, passing through a point with coordinates ($r_0,\frac{\pi}{2}$). The value of $m$ is successively increasing, starting from the top, and its influence is illustrated through the three diagrams. The value of $\Lambda$ is kept constant and it is assumed that the outer horizon is too far to be shown on the graphs.} \label{fig6}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig7}
\caption{A typical symmetric path of light on the flat $(r,\phi)$ plane, passing through a point with coordinates ($r_0,\frac{\pi}{2}$). While the value of $m$ is kept constant, the value of $\Lambda$ is successively increasing, starting from the left, and its lack of influence on the path is illustrated through the three diagrams. The outer horizon is also shown on the three diagrams as the dashed circle. Although the shape of the path does not change with varying $\Lambda$, the geometry of the underlying space as well as the location of the outer horizon both change.} \label{fig7}
\end{figure}
These figures make it clear that, in the region between the horizons, for typical Euclidean boundary conditions, only when varying $m$ the path of light changes. Varying $\Lambda$ only changes the location of the outer horizon on the diagram. But although the path itself may be independent of $\Lambda$, we shall make it abundantly clear that there is an influence of $\Lambda$ on measurements of intersection angles of light rays, and as one may expect this influence near the outer horizon may be quite significant.\\
The fact that, while both $m$ and $\Lambda$ appear in the metric, but only $m$ has an effect on paths of light in space deserves further attention. It is illuminating to study the paths in de Sitter space, for the case $m=0$ in equations \eqref{tp2e1}, \eqref{tp2e3}, \eqref{tp2e4}. The three equations are then
\begin{equation*}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\left(\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}\right)r^2-1\right],
\end{equation*}
\begin{equation*}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\frac{r^2}{B^2}-1\right],
\end{equation*}
and
\begin{equation*}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\frac{r^2}{r_0^2}-1\right].
\end{equation*}
We immediately recognize that for $m=0$ the paths are straight lines with a point of closest approach at $r=r_0$. Notice that $B=r_0$ in this case and, as before, either of these two parameters can be found from Euclidean boundary conditions without the need for $\Lambda$, and conveniently describe the entire path up to orientation. The parameter $b$, on the other hand, has no independent interpretation in this case; it is determined through its relation to $r_0$, and can only be found given knowledge of $\Lambda$. Thus, paths of light in de Sitter space are straight lines, and are independent of $\Lambda$ for given Euclidean boundary conditions. In other words, the set of points that lay on the path of a light ray in the ($r,\phi$) plane that connects two given points is independent of the value of $\Lambda$. Intuitively, in defining a bending angle for paths of light, the value of such an angle should be zero for a path which is a straight line. This is an intuitive and important requirement to keep in mind when considering bending angles in SdS space.
It is also interesting to further investigate the non influence of $\Lambda$ on paths of light from the following mathematical perspective. Evidently, the way in which $\Lambda$ appears in the first order differential equation, \eqref{tp2e1}, makes it 'entangled', in some sense, with the parameter $b$, allowing for the complete absorption of $\Lambda$ by transforming to a new parameter, for example $B$ or $r_0$. For the sake of curiosity, let us consider a more general coefficient of $\frac{\Lambda}{3}$ in the metric \eqref{tp1e1}, changing $r^2$ to $r^n$ in $f(r)$, for some $n$. Proceeding as before to obtain the first order equation of the path, we find
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2\left[\left(\frac{r^2}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}r^n\right)+\frac{2m}{r}-1\right]. \label{tp2e8}
\end{equation}
Again, restricting to symmetric trajectories with a point of closest approach, setting $\frac{dr}{d\phi}=0$ at $r_0$ gives
\begin{equation*}
\frac{1}{b^2}=\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}-\frac{\Lambda}{3}r_0^{n-2},
\end{equation*}
which can be used to rewrite \eqref{tp2e8} in terms of the coordinate distance of closest approach, $r_0$:
\begin{align*}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^2 \left[ \left(\frac{1}{r_0^2} \right. - \frac{2m}{r_0^3} - \frac{\Lambda}{3}r_0^{n-2} + \frac{\Lambda}{3}r^{n-2}\right)r^2&\\
+ \left. \frac{2m}{r}-1\right]&.
\end{align*}
The value of $r_0$ can be set by boundary conditions in a given setup, making the effect of $\Lambda$ on the path clear for a given value of $n$. Interestingly, only when $n=2$ does the effect of $\Lambda$ on the path vanish. Then $\Lambda$ completely disappears from the equation, leaving $r_0$ and $m$ the only parameters. It is this specific value of $n$ that happens to occur in the SdS (and de Sitter) metric, making it the only special case in which $\Lambda$ has no affect on paths of light in space. Thus, the power of 2 appearing in the $r$ coefficient of $\Lambda$ reveals much about its geometric characteristics and its apparent influence on paths of light.
\section{Discussion of parameters and additional definitions} \label{sec4}
\subsection{Constants of motion}
Going back to equations \eqref{tp2e1}, \eqref{tp2e3} and \eqref{tp2e4}, we wish to make a clear distinction between the three parameters $B$, $r_0$ and $b$, and gain clear mathematical and physical interpretations for each. As discussed, the parameter $r_0$ is particularly useful; it gives the shape of a unique path up to orientation. Given $r_0$, all the important features of a trajectory can be found without knowledge of $\Lambda$. Given any other complete set of Euclidean boundary conditions, $r_0$ can be found and used to describe the path on its own. An important question is whether $r_0$ is measurable. In principle, a static observer in a spherically symmetric, static spacetime can find its radial coordinate through measurements. For example, the measurable circumference of a stationary ring centred around the origin is $2\pi r$. By slowly moving around the circumference or setting an array of observers, the corresponding length can be found and $r$ can be determined. Similarly, by dividing the ring into sections, angular separations can be set. See \cite{rindler} (chapter 9) for remarkably clear and illuminating discussions related to such measurements. Thus, in principle, the coordinates of a given static point ($r,\phi$) in the space slice can be found through measurements by observers in that space. In particular, the coordinates of any point through which a given, fixed, light ray passes can be found by means of measurements, including ($r_0,\phi_0$). The method in this example may not be practical but it is meant to make a clear illustration of the fact that it is possible, in principle, to determine the value of $r_0$ through measurements without knowledge of $\Lambda$, or even $m$. Clearly, it is possible to convert $r_0$ to $B$ and vice versa, for values of $r_0>3m$, without the knowledge of $\Lambda$, see equation \eqref{tp2e2}. Therefore, as far as the mathematical description of the path is concerned, the two parameters are equivalent for $r_0>3m$. Since $B$ can be found from $r_0$, which can be found from measurements, we conclude that $B$ can be found, indirectly, from measurements as well, without the need for $\Lambda$. We shall see that $B$ happens to be the impact parameter, to be defined more precisely in what follows. Finally, given the parameter $B$, the shape of the path can be described up to orientation, without the need for $\Lambda$.
The remaining parameter to discuss is $b$, which is unfortunately the least useful and most popular of the three. It is immediately evident that given a fixed path, for which $r_0$ and $B$ can be determined, the value of the parameter $b$ can only be found with the knowledge of $\Lambda$ from equations \eqref{tp2e2}. Therefore, for a given value of $b$, one needs the value of $\Lambda$ to determine the shape of the path, up to orientation. Of course, in a situation where $b$ is given a priori, one may conclude that $\Lambda$ influences the shape of the path. However, $b$ should not be treated as a boundary condition, but rather as a parameter to be determined from boundary conditions, in the same way as $B$ and $C$ of equations \eqref{tp2e5}-\eqref{tp2e7}. Further, considering the relationship between $b$ and $B$ in equations \eqref{tp2e2} leads to the following question. Which of the two parameters is independent of $\Lambda$, if any, and which is dependent? At this point, the answer to this question is somewhat straightforward. For a path with typical Euclidean boundary conditions the value of $B$ can be determined independently of $\Lambda$. Therefore $B$ can be viewed as a parameter of the trajectory that is independent of $\Lambda$. In fact, $B$ can be used as a boundary condition since it is in one to one correspondence with $r_0$, for a given $m$ and $r_0>3m$. This leaves the parameter $b$ as the parameter that depends on the values of $B$ and $\Lambda$ in the relationship given by equations \eqref{tp2e2}. Thus, for a given trajectory, $b$ should never be treated as a parameter that is independent of $\Lambda$, especially when studying the effects of $\Lambda$. Technically, we could even throw Avogadro's number, say $N_A$, into the sum containing $b$ and $\Lambda$, that is: $\left(\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}\right) \rightarrow \left(\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}+N_A\right)$, and the situation would not change, since the boundary conditions will determine the value of the whole sum in the brackets. It is the value of $B$ (represented by this sum) that sets the shape of the path, while the value of $b$ shifts to compensate for $\Lambda$, or whatever else you throw at it, like Avogadro's number or any other imaginable constant. In other words, the boundary conditions will set the value in the brackets above, which is a constant of the path that does not depend on $\Lambda$, shifting the value of $\Lambda$ or adding anything new into the brackets will result in a shift of the value of $b$ so that the total value of the brackets remains the same. Although the physical interpretation of the parameter $b$ is not yet clear, these considerations clarify the mathematical role of $b$ in a typical situation. An important question now is whether it is theoretically possible to measure $b$ directly or, rather, find it from measurable quantities without knowledge of $\Lambda$. If possible, this could lead to a way of finding $\Lambda$ experimentally (by determining $b$ and $B$ independently), and allow for situations in which the parameter $b$ can be known a priori, which would force us to reconsider it as a possible boundary condition.
Let us investigate the above question in detail. At a given point in the ($r,\phi$) plane through which a ray of light passes, the possible measurements that can be made by an observer on the ray are the energy of the photons and the angle the ray makes with a given reference direction. Of course, for light consisting of a bundle of rays there may be more possible measurements to make, for example the size of the visible solid angle associated with the bundle. Such measurements we study in detail in \cite{ll}, but these are of no major consequence in the current discussion; more on this in the next section. In realistic situations, the deflecting mass is a luminous object, making radial light rays a good reference. As previously discussed, the coordinate parameters $r$ and $\phi$ can be found, in principle, through measurements independent of $\Lambda$. If we consider an extended frame around the observer, large enough to contain a sufficient amount of points through which the light passes to make accurate measurements, and if the coordinates ($r,\phi$) of each point are found as well, then the change in $r$ can be compared to the change in $\phi$ of this ray, making the derivative $\frac{dr}{d\phi}$ an indirectly measurable quantity. Also, if the proper time in the observer's frame is given by $\tau$, the changes in $r$ and $\phi$ can be compared to the change in time, making the quantities $\frac{dr}{d\tau}$ and $\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}$ indirectly measurable as well. With this in mind we proceed. For simplicity let us first consider the extended frame of a static observer (or, rather, multiple neighbouring static observers).
To be able to determine the value of $b$ through measurements, for a given light ray in the ($r,\phi$) plane, one must find a relationship between $b$ and directly measurable quantities. By definition, $b=\frac{l}{\gamma}$, where $l=r^2\frac{d\phi}{d\lambda}$ and $\gamma=f(r)\frac{dt}{d\lambda}$, for an affine parameter $\lambda$. Let $E$ be the measurable energy of the photons, and $\alpha_M$ be the measurable angle between the light ray under consideration and a radial light ray passing through this point. Let $\alpha_E$ be the Euclidean intersection angle, corresponding to $\alpha_M$, see Figures \ref{fig4} and \ref{fig5} for an illustration of the situation. Let $U$ be the 4-velocity of the observer and $K$ be the 4-momentum of the ray of light under investigation. With the proper time $\tau$, and an appropriate choice of $\lambda$, $U$ and $K$ can be expressed as
\begin{eqnarray*}
U^\alpha=(U^t,U^r,U^\phi,U^\theta)=\left( \frac{dt_{(U)}}{d\tau},\frac{dr_{(U)}}{d\tau},\frac{d\phi_{(U)}}{d\tau},\frac{d\theta_{(U)}}{d\tau} \right),\\
K^\alpha=(K^t,K^r,K^\phi,K^\theta)=\left( \frac{dt_{(K)}}{d\lambda},\frac{dr_{(K)}}{d\lambda},\frac{d\phi_{(K)}}{d\lambda},\frac{d\theta_{(K)}}{d\lambda} \right).
\end{eqnarray*}
The subscripts $U$ and $K$ in the coordinates above are introduced for clarity, and will be dropped when there is no room for ambiguity; clearly we are free to set $dt_{(U)}=dt_{(K)}$. With $g_{\alpha \beta}$ the metric tensor, the measurable energy, $E$, can then be expressed in terms of the inner product
\begin{equation}
E=-g_{\alpha \beta}U^\alpha K^\beta. \label{energy}
\end{equation}
For the case of a static observer then, where $U^r=U^\phi=U^\theta=0$, it is trivial to find $U^t=\frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}$ from the required condition $U \cdot U=-1$. Thus, we have
\begin{align}
\nonumber E&=-g_{\alpha \beta}U^\alpha K^\beta=f(r)U^t K^t\\
&=f(r) \left(\frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}\right) \left(\frac{\gamma}{f(r)}\right)=\frac{\gamma}{\sqrt{f(r)}}.
\end{align}
\begin{equation}
\Rightarrow \; \gamma=E\sqrt{f(r)}.
\end{equation}
Here, $E$ is a measurable quantity, by definition; the constant of motion $\gamma$ can be determined, from the measurement of $E$, only if both $m$ and $\Lambda$ are known. Further,
\begin{align}
\nonumber l &=r^2\frac{d\phi_{(K)}}{d\lambda}=r^2 \frac{d\phi_{(K)}}{d\tau} \frac{d\tau}{dt_{(U)}} \frac{dt_{(K)}}{d\lambda}\\
&=r^2 \frac{d\phi_{(K)}}{d\tau} \sqrt{f(r)} \frac{\gamma}{f(r)}=r^2 \frac{d\phi_{(K)}}{d\tau} E.
\end{align}
Hence, the constant of motion $l$ can be expressed entirely in terms of measurable quantities (in this case, measurable by a static observer), and can be determined without knowledge of $m$ or $\Lambda$. With the above relationships the parameter $b$ can be expressed as follows:
\begin{equation}
b=\frac{l}{\gamma}=r^2 \left(\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}\right) \frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}. \label{tp3e1}
\end{equation}
And again, we see that this equation cannot be used to determine $b$ from measurable quantities without a prior knowledge of the value of $\Lambda$, and in this case $m$ as well. Since the derivative $\frac{dr}{d\phi}$, as well as $\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}$, can be found at the point of intersection, as discussed, it is possible to determine $\alpha_E$ through
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_E)=r\frac{d\phi}{dr}. \label{tp3e2}
\end{equation}
And since for the stationary observer, as for any other, the ray moves at the speed of light, set to unity in our coordinates, we have
\begin{align*}
1&=\frac{1}{f(r)}\left(\frac{dr}{d\tau}\right)^2+r^2\left(\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}\right)^2\\
&=\left(\frac{1}{f(r)}\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2+r^2\right)\left(\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}\right)^2.
\end{align*}
Using \eqref{tp3e2} in the above gives
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{d\phi}{d\tau}\right)^2=\left(\frac{r^2}{f(r)\tan^2(\alpha_E)}+r^2\right)^{-1},
\end{equation}
which can be used in \eqref{tp3e1} to re-express $b$ in terms of $\alpha_E$, then
\begin{equation}
b=\frac{r\tan(\alpha_E)}{\sqrt{1+f(r)\tan^2(\alpha_E)}}. \label{tp3e3}
\end{equation}
Thus, even if the angle $\alpha_E$ can be determined through measurements in an extended frame, one still needs the values of $m$ and $\Lambda$ to calculate $b$. Consider now the measurable angle $\alpha_M$ at the point of intersection, measured by a static observer, which is obviously different from the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$, as discussed. The relationship between these angles, derived in the next section, turns out to be
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{f(r)}\tan(\alpha_E). \label{tp3e4}
\end{equation}
In contrast to $\alpha_E$, the angle $\alpha_M$ can be determined through a direct measurement at a single point by a single observer. To determine $\alpha_E$ an extended frame is needed, which for theoretical reasons is important to consider but may not be practical. Equation \eqref{tp3e4} can be used to replace $\alpha_E$ by the measurable angle $\alpha_M$ in the last expression of $b$, \eqref{tp3e3}, giving
\begin{equation}
b=\frac{r\tan(\alpha_M)}{\sqrt{f(r)}\sqrt{1+\tan^2(\alpha_M)}}=\frac{r}{\sqrt{f(r)}}\sin(\alpha_M).
\end{equation}
The above relationship is of simple form and allows finding $b$ from the measurable intersection angle $\alpha_M$. In fact, this equation can be used to recover the relationship between $b$ and $r_0$, \eqref{tp2e2}, by setting $r=r_0$ at $\alpha_M=\frac{\pi}{2}$, and may be of use in certain applications. However, once again we see that without the knowledge of $\Lambda$ (and $m$) the value of $b$ cannot be established. In summary, we found that out of the three, related, constants of motion $\gamma$, $l$ and $b$, it is only the value of $l$ that can be established without prior knowledge of $\Lambda$ form the possible measurements discussed here. In particular, the value of $b$ cannot be found without prior knowledge of $\Lambda$ from such measurements. These conclusions remain true when considering measurements done by any observer. The special case of a static observer was considered here only for a simple illustration of the situation. Thus, the answer to the previous question concerning the determination of $b$ is in the negative. The value of $b$ cannot be established without knowledge of $\Lambda$, $b$ cannot be used as a realistic boundary condition, and finally, due to its dependence on $\Lambda$, its use can be misleading when investigating the influence of $\Lambda$ on other quantities.
We notice that, since it is theoretically possible to measure $\alpha_M$ and determine $\alpha_E$ from measurements, equation \eqref{tp3e4} can be used to express $\Lambda$ in terms of measurable quantities. Hence, this suggests one theoretically possible, although maybe not practical, method to find $\Lambda$ experimentally. This method of finding $\Lambda$ is somewhat equivalent to determining the parameter distance and the measurable distance between two points, and using a relationship between the two quantities, similar to equation \eqref{tp3e4}, to establish the value of $\Lambda$. These effects are a result of the curvature induced by $\Lambda$, and can be viewed as the effect of $\Lambda$ on the embedded surface of Figure \ref{fig3}. $\Lambda$ affects the relationships between measurable quantities and corresponding Euclidean (or coordinate) quantities. A visual example of the influence of $\Lambda$ on such relationships can be seen in Figure \ref{fig4}, which is a particularly good illustration when considering measurements made by static observers. We state again, the possible measurements discussed in this section are for theoretical purposes only, whether or not they are practical is of no concern.
The main goal of this section is to interpret and discuss the parameters $r_0$, $B$ and $b$, and determine which of these can be found through measurements without knowledge of $\Lambda$. We have established the mathematical roles of all three, and found that for a given path of light only $b$ depends on $\Lambda$; its value cannot be determined without it. While the geometrical interpretation of $r_0$ is clear from its definition, the geometrical interpretation of $B$ requires a little more analysis, to be done shortly, which will reveal that $B$ is the impact parameter of the trajectory. As for the parameter $b$, there is no clear geometrical interpretation in the general case of $m \neq 0$ and $ \Lambda\neq 0$. In the special case where $\Lambda=0$, $b$ is the impact parameter, since $b=B$. But even when $m=0$ and $\Lambda \neq 0$, $b$ loses its geometrical meaning and gains dependence on $\Lambda$. Thus, in Schwarzschild space, the usefulness of $b$ comes only from the fact that $b=B$. In SdS space, the parameter $b$ loses its worth.
\subsection{Supplementary definitions} \label{sec4b}
When discussing some of the recent papers on the topic, we shall have clear definitions of the important quantities in mind. Much of the disagreement in the literature seems to emerge from misunderstanding conclusions due to lack of clarity and ambiguity. In many cases, parameters that are defined and often used in analyzing trajectories of light in Schwarzschild space are imported to the analysis in SdS space without mentioning their exact definitions or discussing if they remain appropriate to use. Furthermore, even in cases where these imported parameters do remain appropriate to use in SdS space, their interpretations may change considerably, which should be noted to avoid confusion. For the sake of clarity, we present a few definitions in what follows. Although the manner in which $\Lambda$ influences measurements while not having an influence on paths of light should be clear by now from the previous sections, the definitions presented in this section are meant to clarify some of the terminology in the current literature on the topic. The parameters discussed may or may not be of much practical or theoretical use, however, they encompass some of the popular quantities used in the literature and can aid in making it simple and systematic to understand the results and conclusions of some recent papers.
\subsubsection{Impact parameter}
In the general context, the impact parameter is defined for a trajectory in a radially dependent potential field, whose first derivative vanishes at large values of the radial coordinate, as the perpendicular distance between an asymptote of the trajectory and the origin. In such a potential field, trajectories that go to infinity can be approximated by straight lines at large radial coordinate, $r$, and for our purposes we also assume that these trajectories have a point of closest approach to the origin with a minimum value of $r$. See the following figure.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig8}
\caption{A trajectory on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane under the influence of a radially dependent potential field. The solid curve represents the trajectory of interest, the dashed line represents one of its asymptotes. The impact parameter is the distance $d$ appearing on the diagram.} \label{ip1}
\end{figure}
In the context of general relativity, specifically for trajectories of light in Schwarzschild space, a second definition, equivalent to the first, is used in many books. In this context, the impact parameter is defined as the perpendicular distance between the path and the radial line, that is parallel to an asymptote of the path, at large values of $r$. More exactly, it is the limit that this distance approaches as $r$ goes to infinity. The next figure will make this definition clear.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig9}
\caption{A symmetric path of light on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane with a point of closest approach. The solid curve represents the path of interest, the dashed line represents one of its asymptotes, and the solid line is a radial line parallel to the asymptote. The impact parameter equals the limit of the distance $d(r)$, appearing on the diagram, as $r \rightarrow \infty$.} \label{ip2}
\end{figure}
We see that this second definition suggests an experimental method to find the impact parameter for a given, fixed, path of light. For example, in Schwarzschild space, which is asymptotically flat, radial lines can, in principle, be identified, and the required distance corresponding to the impact parameter of Figure \ref{ip2} can, theoretically, be measured directly by static observers. Thus, in addition to the fact that the impact parameter can be calculated from some boundary conditions, in Schwarzschild space it can also be found from direct measurements as well. When extending the concept of the impact parameter to trajectories of light in SdS space, which are mathematically the same as in Schwarzschild space, both of the two common definitions remain valid. However, in this case, the second definition no longer suggests a method to measure the impact parameter directly, as it does for Schwarzschild space, since the space is no longer asymptotically flat. Thus, the impact parameter of trajectories of light in SdS space can still be calculated from some boundary conditions, which determine the trajectory, but can no longer be measured directly. The impact parameter can be found analytically as follows. First, let us refer to Figure \ref{ip2} and orient the angular coordinate, $\phi$, so that the radial line will corresponds to $\phi=0$. Far from the origin, the perpendicular coordinate distance between a point on the path under investigation and the radial line is $d(r)=r \sin(\phi)$, where the coordinates $r$ and $\phi$ are of a point on the path (with $\phi<\frac{\pi}{2}$). Therefore, the impact parameter is the limit of $r \sin(\phi)$ as $r$ approaches infinity. This limit can be easily found with the aid of equations \eqref{tp3e2} and \eqref{tp2e4}. $\alpha_E$ of equation \eqref{tp3e2} is the Euclidean intersection angle at a point on the path under investigation sustained by the path and the radial line through this point. $B$ of equation \eqref{tp2e4} is assumed to be a fixed parameter for this particular path.
\begin{align*}
\text{Impact parameter} &= \lim_{r \to \infty} d(r)\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \left(r\sin(\phi)\right)\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \left(r \tan(\phi)\right) \lim_{r \to \infty} \cos(\phi)\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \left(r \tan(\alpha_E)\right)\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \left(r^2 \frac{d\phi}{dr}\right)\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \frac{r}{\sqrt{\frac{r^2}{B^2}+\frac{2m}{r}-1}}\\
&= \lim_{r \to \infty} \frac{B}{\sqrt{1+\frac{2mB^2}{r^3}-\frac{B^2}{r^2}}}\\
&= B.
\end{align*}
And so we find that the impact parameter of a given fixed trajectory is the constant of motion $B$. This gives us the geometrical significance of $B$, but again, since SdS space is not asymptotically flat, the value of $B$ cannot be measured directly, though it could easily be found analytically from boundary conditions. The facts to keep in mind when bringing up the concept of the impact parameter in the context of trajectories of light in SdS space are the following: in the special case of $\Lambda=0$, the space is asymptotically flat and we have $b=B$, so not only does $b$ become the impact parameter, but also the impact parameter becomes directly measurable at large distances. However, these two features do not remain true for $\Lambda \neq 0$. In general, the impact parameter, $B$, always maintains its mathematical role and geometrical meaning for any value of $\Lambda$, but can not always be interpreted as a physical distance. The parameter $b$, on the other hand, loses its mathematical and geometrical meanings when a non-zero $\Lambda$ is introduced. Overall, the impact parameter is a Euclidean quantity that belongs to diagrams on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane, it only gains a physical (measurable) significance in a special situation.\\
The following two figures will be referred to in the subsequent definitions. They depict a typical path of the kind we are interested in, with a few important features.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=77mm]{fig10}
\caption{A curve on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane, representing a typical symmetric path of light with a point of closest approach at ($r_0,\frac{\pi}{2}$). The features and parameters appearing on this figure are defined and discussed below.} \label{split1}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig11}
\caption{The above is the right half of the previous figure, with a few additions. It is stretched in the $y$ direction for clarity. The features and parameters appearing on this figure are defined and discussed below.} \label{split2}
\end{figure}
\bigskip
In these diagrams, the path of light under investigation is the curve represented by $\varGamma$. For the chosen orientation, the shape of $\varGamma$ is entirely determined by $r_0$, or equivalently $B$, which both appear on the diagrams. The straight (dashed) lines $A_1$ and $A_2$ are the asymptotes of the path, which approximate the path well at sufficiently large values of $r$. The (dotted) circle $\mathcal R$ represents a region outside of which the effects of $m$ are negligible on, both, paths of light and curvature of space. It is outside of this region that $r$ is considered to be sufficiently large, where the path is straight and Euclidean quantities are not distorted by $m$. Of course, the position of $\mathcal R$ will ultimately depend on the sensitivity of instruments and the desired accuracy. However, it is usually assumed that the intersection of $\varGamma$ with the $x$ axis (in the diagrams) occurs well beyond this circle. The Cartesian coordinates ($x,y$) are related to the polar coordinates ($r,\phi$) in the usual way, $x=r \cos(\phi)$ and $y=r \sin(\phi)$. This makes the vectors $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial y}$ well defined at every point on the plane. In the orientation of these diagrams, $\varGamma$ is symmetric about the $y$ axis, and the point $p_{sym}$ on $\varGamma$ is symmetric about the origin as well. Let us refer to this point as the point of symmetry, which in this case is the point of intersection of $\varGamma$ with the $x$ axis. At this point, the Euclidean intersection angle appearing on the diagrams between $\varGamma$ and the $x$ axis is $\alpha_E$. This angle (when very small) is approximately half the magnitude of the angle between $A_1$ and $A_2$, the asymptotes of the path, which is given by $\Phi$. The curves $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$ and $\varGamma_{\phi 2}$ represent radial rays of light, which are straight lines, with constant angular coordinate $\phi=\phi_1=\phi_p$ and $\phi=\phi_2=\frac{\Phi}{2}$, respectively. The purpose of $\varGamma_{\phi 2}$ is for the illustration of the impact parameter, $B$, while the purpose of $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$ is to serve as a reference direction at a point $p$ on the path. Although the de Sitter horizon is assumed to be outside the range of these diagrams and $\Lambda$ has no affect on the illustrated path, the possible influence of $\Lambda$ on measurements through the curvature of space should not be neglected. Let $\alpha_M$ be the measurable intersection angle by a static observer at $p_{sym}$ corresponding to the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$.
\subsubsection{Bending angle}
The bending angle is originally defined for paths of light in Schwarzschild space and is also referred to as the total bending angle, the deflection angle, and the total deflection angle by some authors. In certain cases definitions differ by a factor of 2, and the word ``total" is used to make the distinction for clarity. Extending this concept to paths of light in SdS space can give rise to some ambiguity and confusion, so we shall do it carefully. Since the curve $\varGamma$ (and its associated Euclidean quantities) in the above figures does not depend on $\Lambda$, as should be presently clear, such curves may be used in modelling paths of light in either Schwarzschild or SdS space. In the context of Schwarzschild space, the bending angle is usually defined, in most textbooks, in one of the following two equivalent ways.\\
\\
\textbf{Definition 1:} The bending angle of a symmetric path of light in Schwarzschild space is the (small) angle between the two asymptotes of the path.\\
\\
In reference to Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2}, the bending angle is the Euclidean angle $\Phi$, between $A_1$ and $A_2$. This definition is purely mathematical in the sense that there is no reference to any measurements. The definition suggests that the bending angle can be found by determining the path from some boundary conditions and finding the bending angle through its asymptotic behaviour.\\
\\
\textbf{Definition 2:} The bending angle of a symmetric path of light in Schwarzschild space is double the (small) measurable intersection angle by a static observer between the path and a radial ray at the point of symmetry, far from the origin.\\
\\
According to this definition, referring to Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2}, the bending angle is double the measurable intersection angle $\alpha_M$, which corresponds to the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$. The assumption made in the figure that the point of symmetry, $p_{sym}$, is outside the circle $\mathcal R$, where the affects of $m$ are negligible, is what's meant by being far from the origin in the definition. Hence, in the asymptotically flat Schwarzschild space, the measurable angle by a static observer at the point of symmetry $\alpha_M$ is the same as the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$ appearing on the flat diagram. It is also clear that $\alpha_E \approx \frac{\Phi}{2}$, since the path is already exhibiting its asymptotic behaviour at $p_{sym}$. Therefore we see that, in the context of Schwarzschild space, the two definitions are equivalent.
The second definition suggests that the bending angle is a quantity that can be directly measured. Similar to the impact parameter, in Schwarzschild space, the bending angle can be found from some boundary conditions that determine the path as well as measured directly at a distant point. However, in contrast to the case of the impact parameter, when extending the concept of bending angle to SdS space the two common definitions of the parameter given here are no longer equivalent. Since $\Lambda$ will affect the geometry at $p_{sym}$, the measurable intersection angle, $\alpha_M$, will be different than the Euclidean angle, $\alpha_E$.
In extending the concept of the bending angle to SdS we shall build on both of the above definitions and define two kinds of angular quantities, purely mathematical and measurable, concerned with symmetric paths of light. First, by restricting to definition 1 of the bending angle in Schwarzschild space, let us explicitly state what will be referred to as the bending angle of a symmetric path of light in SdS space.\\
\\
\textbf{Definition:} The bending angle of a symmetric path of light in SdS space is the (small) angle between the two asymptotes of the path.\\
\\
Although measurements by observers are important to consider, the bending angle is a measure of how much the entire path is bent, and should be independent of observers. For this reason we extend the concept of the bending angle to SdS space in accordance with definition 1 (of Schwarzschild space) and reserve definition 2 for a different quantity that is measurable. In reference to Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2}, according to the above definition, the bending angle is $\Phi$. With this definition for the bending angle in SdS we see again a similarity with the case of the impact parameter. The bending angle can be found from some boundary conditions that determine the path, and therefore can be determined from measurable quantities, but can no longer be measured directly. In particular, the bending angle can be found by taking the limit as $r$ goes to infinity in the solution for the orientation in Figure \ref{split1}, and since the path does not depend on $\Lambda$ the bending angle does not depend on $\Lambda$ either. It is clear from the symmetry that the bending angle should only depend on $m$ and $r_0$, and since these parameters only appear as the combination $\frac{m}{r_0}$ in the analysis, the bending angle will be a function of $\frac{m}{r_0}$. It is easily found that for a small bending angle, $\Phi$, to first order in $\frac{m}{r_0}$, we have
\begin{equation}
\Phi=\dfrac{4m}{r_0}.
\end{equation}
Also, to this order in $\frac{m}{r_0}$, equation \eqref{tp2e2} gives
\begin{equation}
\frac{m}{B}=\frac{m}{r_0}.
\end{equation}
Therefore,
\begin{equation}
\Phi=\dfrac{4m}{r_0}=\dfrac{4m}{B}.
\end{equation}
Equation \eqref{tp2e2} can also be used to replace $B$ in the above equation and express $\Phi$ in terms of $m$, $b$ and $\Lambda$. But, given the discussion of the parameter $b$ in this section, we see that this relationship will be of little use and, in a way, misleading. Finally, it is important to keep in mind that, in the case of SdS space, the bending angle should be interpreted only as a Euclidean quantity, which belongs to the flat ($r,\phi$) plane. Since paths of light are independent of $\Lambda$, extending the bending angle to SdS space in such a way does not affect its mathematical interpretation. Now, however, only in the special case of $\Lambda=0$ the bending angle gains a physical significance as well by becoming equivalent to a measurable quantity.
\subsubsection{Measurable deflection angle at the point of symmetry by a static observer}
In light of the definition 2 of the bending angle in Schwarzschild space, we define a similar angular quantity for a path of light in SdS space, which refers to an actual measurement. In reference to Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2} and the paragraph following it, let the \textit{measurable deflection angle at the point of symmetry by a static observer} be defined as the angle $\alpha_M$, which corresponds to the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$. For concreteness, rather than taking $\alpha_M$ to be the measurable intersection between the path of light $\varGamma$ and the $x$ axis, which leaves room for ambiguity, we can define it to be the measurable intersection angle between the path of light $\varGamma$ and the radial light ray going through $p_{sym}$. Notice that for this definition, of a measurable angular quantity, we only consider the one sided intersection angle (in contrast to the double of definition 2 above), since it is the measurement that is significant here rather than the overall shape of the path. To further distinguish this measurable, one sided, angle from the Euclidean bending angle, we refer to it as a measurable \textit{deflection} angle. The way in which the measurable angle, $\alpha_M$, is related to its corresponding Euclidean angle, $\alpha_E$, is illustrated in Figure \ref{fig4}; $\alpha_M$ is the projection of $\alpha_E$ onto the embedded surface discussed in section \ref{sec2}. The angle $\alpha_M$ is physically measurable by using the radial ray at $p_{sym}$ as a reference, which in the Euclidean sense is parallel to the direction of the path at $r_0$, and for this reason it is a measure of the deflection of the path as it goes from ($r_0,\phi_0$) to $p_{sym}$. If the mass at the centre of coordinates is luminous, as is usually the case in practice, then radial reference rays are available at all points to all observers. Since the observer and the point of measurement are set in the definition, the measurable angle $\alpha_M$ can be considered as a function of $r_0$ only, in addition to $m$ and $\Lambda$, of course. Clearly, for a fixed path, this measurable deflection angle will depend on $\Lambda$, in the simple sense that changing $\Lambda$ while keeping the boundary conditions will alter the measurement. By means of equation \eqref{tp3e4}, which will be derived in the next section, we can explicitly write the relationship between the measurable angle $\alpha_M$ and the corresponding Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$.
\begin{equation*}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{f(r_{p_{sym}})}\tan(\alpha_E).
\end{equation*}
Since $\tan(\alpha_E)=r_{p_{sym}} \frac{d\phi}{dr}|_{p_{sym}}$, for convenience $\alpha_M$ can also be expressed in terms of $r_0$ and $r_{p_{sym}}$, or $B$ and $r_{p_{sym}}$. And of course, $r_{p_{sym}}$ can be determined from $r_0$ and $m$ regardless of orientation.\\
With the last two definitions of the bending angle and the measurable deflection angle at the point of symmetry, we have sufficiently extended the usual concept of the bending angle for paths of light in Schwarzschild space to SdS space. It is now important to mention that in doing so, it is intuitive to expect, or rather require, the following conditions. First, for $\Lambda=0$ any defined angular quantity, which is a measure of the deflection of the path, should reduce to the usual bending angle of Schwarzschild space, so that it can be interpreted as a proper generalization. And second, for $m=0$, in which case the path is a straight line on the ($r,\phi$) plane, the defined angular quantity should equal zero. It is easily verified that the definitions we made above meet these two conditions. For $\Lambda=0$ the new definitions simply reduce to the original definitions 1 and 2. For $m=0$ we must deal with a limit and some assumptions on $\Lambda$ to show that the condition is met for $\alpha_M$ (or rather use the generalization of this angle, $\beta_M$ below, for a more intuitive approach).
Next, we generalize the last definition of the measurable deflection angle, $\alpha_M$, to an arbitrary point on the path and an arbitrary observer in the following two definitions. The following figure is a magnification of the area around the point $p$ on Figure \ref{split2}. It represents a small patch on the ($r,\phi$) surface containing $p$.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig12}
\caption{Complementing Figure \ref{split2}, this is the area around the point $p$ where $\varGamma$ and $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$ intersect. The vectors and angles appearing on the figure are defined below.} \label{fig10a}
\end{figure}
At any point on Figure \ref{split2}, including $p$, the vectors $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial y}$ are well defined, and shown on the above diagram. $\beta_E$ is the Euclidean angle on this flat diagram sustained by the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ and the tangent vector of $\varGamma$ at this point. $\beta_{E1}$ is the Euclidean angle between $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$. $\beta_{E2}$ is the Euclidean intersection angle between $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$ and $\varGamma$, so that $\beta_E=\beta_{E2}-\beta_{E1}$. Let $\beta_M$ be a measurable angle by a static observer at $p$, which corresponds to the Euclidean angle $\beta_E$, in the sense of the projection onto the embedded surface of section \ref{sec2}. Let $\beta_{M1}$ and $\beta_{M2}$ be the measurable angles by a static observer at $p$ corresponding to the Euclidean angles $\beta_{E1}$ and $\beta_{E2}$, respectively.
\subsubsection{Measurable deflection angle at any point by a static observer}
We generalize the previous definition of the measurable deflection angle $\alpha_M$ as follows. In reference to Figure \ref{split2} and the paragraph following it, let the \textit{measurable deflection angle by a static observer at a point $p$} be defined as the angle $\beta_M$, which corresponds to the Euclidean angle $\beta_E$. $\beta_M$ is equal to the projection of $\beta_E$ onto the embedded surface discussed in section \ref{sec2}, and therefore it depends on both $m$ and $\Lambda$. Due to symmetry, for given values $r_p$ and $r_0$, $\beta_M$ can be found analytically independent of orientation, assuming that $\phi_p$ at this $r_p$ satisfies the solution. The reference direction used to determine $\beta_M$ is the direction parallel to the $x$ axis in the setup of Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2}, which in the Euclidean sense is parallel to the direction of the path at $r_0$, and for this reason $\beta_M(r_0,r_p)$ is a measure of the deflection of the path as it goes from $r_0$ to $r_p$. For the standard transformation between the polar and Cartesian coordinates in the plane, the direction of increasing $x$ is well defined. A vector in this direction in Cartesian coordinates is $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ which can be transformed to polar coordinates at any point on the plane through $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}=\frac{\partial r}{\partial x}\frac{\partial}{\partial r}+\frac{\partial \phi}{\partial x}\frac{\partial}{\partial \phi}$. For concreteness, in reference to Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2} (and \ref{fig10a}), we can define the bending angle $\beta_M$ to be the measurable intersection angle between the path of light under investigation and the path of light whose tangent is parallel to the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ at the point of measurement on the ($r,\phi$) plane. This angle is well defined, but unlike the special case of $r=r_{p_{sym}}$, for which a radial light ray could serve as the reference direction, in this general case the available radial light ray, $\varGamma_{\phi 1}$, is not going in the required $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ direction. Analytically, this angle can be found by referring to Figures \ref{split1}, \ref{split2} and \ref{fig10a} and using the measurable angles $\beta_{M1}$ and $\beta_{M2}$ corresponding to $\beta_{E1}$ and $\beta_{E2}$, respectively. Then, $\beta_{M}=\beta_{M2}-\beta_{M1}$, where both $\beta_{M1}$ and $\beta_{M2}$ refer to angles measured in reference to the radial light ray, and therefore both will satisfy a relationship of the form \eqref{tp3e4}, which allows for expressing $\beta_{M}$ in terms of $\beta_{E1}$ and $\beta_{E2}$. Clearly, $\beta_{E1}$ equals the value of $\phi_p$ at the point on the path, given the orientation of Figures \ref{split1} and \ref{split2}. The angle $\beta_{E2}$ is the Euclidean intersection angle between the path of light under investigation, $\varGamma$, and the radial light ray at the point $r_p$ on the path, and therefore can be expressed in terms of $r_0$, $r_p$ and $m$. As it is for the measurable deflection angle $\alpha_M$, this measurable deflection angle, $\beta_M$, also depends on both $\Lambda$ and $m$. The angle can be physically measured if the required reference light ray exists. Although not practical, but of theoretical significance, it is worth mentioning that a reference light ray for the required measurement can be produced in an experiment, even without the knowledge of $\Lambda$. Notice that this definition reduces to the bending angle of Schwarzschild space (if doubled) when $\Lambda$ is taken to be zero, assuming that $p$ is in the asymptotically flat region, outside $\mathcal R$ as in Figure \ref{split1}. In addition, for the case of $m=0$, the paths are straight lines, and the deflection angle $\beta_M$ equals zero at any point on a path, as expected.\\
\subsubsection{Measurable deflection angle at any point by any observer}
We generalize the previous definition of the measurable deflection angle $\beta_M$ even further as follows. Given the details of the previous definition of the bending angle $\beta_M$, let $K$ and $W$ represent the 4-vectors of the intersecting null geodesics at $p$ corresponding to the path of light under investigation, $\varGamma$, and the path of light whose tangent is parallel to $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ at $p$, respectively. For analytical purposes, $K$ can be found, up to an overall factor, from the derivative of the path given by the governing differential equation, \eqref{tp2e3}, at the point of intersection and the null condition. $W$ can be expressed in Kottler coordinates, up to an overall factor, by converting $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ to polar coordinates at the point of measurement and using the null condition. Let the \textit{measurable deflection angle by a given observer at a point $p$} be defined as the measurable angle between $K$ and $W$ by an observer with 4-velocity $U$ at $p$.
Let us designate this measurable deflection angle by $\bar{\beta}_M$. For the three 4-vectors $K$, $W$ and $U$, the angle $\bar{\beta}_M$ is well defined. It may not yet be clear, though will be in the next section, how this angle can be found analytically directly from these vectors. In principle, with reference to a static observer, we can find $\beta_M$ and use the aberration equation to relate $\bar{\beta}_M$ to $\beta_M$, thereby expressing $\bar{\beta}_M$ in terms of the parameters of the setup, including the relative speed between the observers. Since the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ is used as a reference direction in the definition of $\bar{\beta}_M$, we see that $\bar{\beta}_M$, as $\beta_M$, is a measure of the deflection of $\varGamma$ as it goes from ($r_0,\phi_0$) to $p$. Clearly, for a static observer $\bar{\beta}_M$ reduces to $\beta_M$, and satisfies all the expected limits of the definition. As before, this angle can be physically measured if a reference ray, with the required 4-vector $W$, exists, and its value depends on $\Lambda$ in addition to $m$.\\
We conclude as follows. In order to properly extend the concept of a bending angle for a trajectory of light to SdS space, we restricted the original definition of the bending angle in Schwarzschild space to the geometrical definition (definition 1), for which no measurements are considered, and further defined three additional measurable angular quantities. The use of the bending angle, $\Phi(r_0)$, in SdS space is clear from its definition and geometrical interpretation. It gives a quantitative measure of an important geometrical characteristic of the path in the ($r,\phi$) plane. Any path of the required type can be classified by its bending angle, which is in one to one correspondence to $r_0$. Although it is a Euclidean angle in nature, its value gives a visual and intuitive quality of the path, which makes it a useful parameter as well. On the other hand, the measurable deflection angles, $\alpha_M(r_0)$, $\beta_M(r_0,r)$ and $\bar{\beta}_M(r_0,r,U)$, give a type of observable measure of the deflection of the path as it goes from ($r_0,\phi_0$) to the observer, the practical use of which is not obvious. Although measurements are important to consider, these measurable quantities are observer dependent and are not informative in describing the behaviour of the path in the ($r,\phi$) plane, where the concept of the bending angle has originated. Nevertheless, these four definitions encompass many of the recent attempts to extend the bending angle to SdS space. With these definitions in mind it is straightforward to understand and compare the conclusions of many recent papers on the topic. Much of the disagreement in the recent literature seems to originate from lack of proper definitions, resulting in a mix-up of distinct quantities and improper comparison of results.\\
In closing this section it is worth noting again the following important conclusions about the commonly used parameters. Of the parameters $B$, $r_0$ and $b$, given typical boundary conditions, $B$ and $r_0$ do not depend on $\Lambda$ and can be determined from measurable quantities without its knowledge. The parameter $b$ does depend on $\Lambda$, it cannot be known a priori in an experiment and cannot be used as a boundary condition. It can only be found if the value of $\Lambda$ is known. Out of the angles $\Phi(r_0)$, $\alpha_M(r_0)$, $\beta_M(r_0,r)$ and $\bar{\beta}_M(r_0,r,U)$, only the bending angle $\Phi(r_0)$ does not depend on $\Lambda$. The other three angles are progressive generalizations, they are measurable and all depend on $\Lambda$, as should be expected given the previous discussions. We have considered creating a table that summarizes the above mentioned parameters and categorizes them based on their dependence on $\Lambda$ and way of measurement, but decided against it for the following reasons. The three parameters $B$, $r_0$ and $b$ are discussed to exhaustion, and the angular quantities are mentioned here for the purpose of their exact definition that is accompanied by an adequate discussion. Simply put, the parameters $B$, $r_0$ and $b$ have important physical and geometrical interpretations that should be abundantly clear by now and kept in mind throughout the rest of our presentation, and when we later refer to the angular parameters $\Phi(r_0)$, $\alpha_M(r_0)$, $\beta_M(r_0,r)$ and $\bar{\beta}_M(r_0,r,U)$ it is our intention that their exact definitions and our discussion of them will be read and understood. Finally, it is interesting to note that in the case where $r_0$ is the \textit{radius} of a static star, and is determined from other theoretical considerations, its value still does not depend on $\Lambda$, \cite{lake}.
\section{Measurable intersection angles} \label{sec5}
The main goal of this section is to find an expression for a measurable intersection angle for a given observer associated with two null geodesics in terms of the three 4-vectors representing the 4-velocity of the observer and the two tangent 4-vectors of the null geodesics evaluated at the point of intersection. Of course, since the motivation for the derivation of such an expression sprang out of the investigation of light rays in SdS space, being the central theme of this work, we shall attempt to keep our attention on it throughout this section. However, some of the results derived here are far reaching in their applicability, and may themselves be of much greater significance than their application to SdS space. Before considering the case of a general observer in SdS space, as a warm up, we derive the expression of a measurable intersection angle by a static observer in terms of the Euclidean intersection angle appearing on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane. This derivation is particularly informative and serves as an intuitive way to illustrate the influence of $\Lambda$ on measurable angles.
\subsection{Static observer in SdS space} \label{sec5a}
Although we should always assume that the background spacetime is SdS, it is noteworthy that the following derivation only assumes a spherically symmetric, static metric that is locally Minkowski. In spherical coordinates ($t,r,\phi,\theta$), we may assume that $r$ is the areal radius, and the metric can be written as in equation \eqref{tp1e1}. Further, the coordinate $r$ is restricted to a region where $f(r)$ in \eqref{tp1e1} is positive, and without loss of generality we restrict all motion and measurements to the slice $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$. The 4-velocity, $U$, of a static observer in these coordinates is defined by the requirement that $U^r=U^\phi=U^\theta=0$. With the condition $U \cdot U=-1$, we have
\begin{equation}
U=U^t\frac{\partial}{\partial t}, \qquad U^t=\frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}. \label{32a}
\end{equation}
Let the space-like coordinates in the local Minkowski spacetime of the observer be $x$ and $y$. Since the 4-velocity vector of the static observer is parallel to $\frac{\partial}{\partial t}$, the local ($x,y$) plane corresponds to a small neighbourhood in the ($r,\phi$) plane around the location of the observer. We can orient the coordinates $x$ and $y$ without loss of generality such that $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial y}$ are parallel to $\frac{\partial}{\partial r}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial \phi}$, respectively, at the location of the observer. The metric of the local space around the observer can be written in terms of the coordinates $r$ and $\phi$, as given by equation \eqref{tp1e3}, or in terms of $x$ and $y$, as the flat metric,
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 =\mathrm{d}x^2+\mathrm{d}y^2. \label{33}
\end{equation}
The Minkowski coordinates $x$ and $y$ serve as real distance measurements of a static observer at the given point. Let $W$ and $K$ be the 4-vectors of two intersecting null geodesics at the point of the observer. For simplicity, we first assume that the path associated with $W$ is radial. Let $p$ be the point of intersection on the ($r,\phi$) plane, with coordinates ($r_p,\phi_p$). Let the point $p_1$ be a neighbouring point to $p$ lying on the path associated with $K$, with coordinates ($r_p-dr,\phi_p+d\phi$). Let $p_2$ be a neighbouring point on the radial path with coordinates ($r_p-dr,\phi_p$), where the $dr$ is the same as for $p_1$.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig13}
\caption{A typical symmetric path of light on the flat $(r,\phi)$ plane, passing through a point with coordinates ($r_p,\phi_p$). The figure also shows the point of closest approach of this path, with $r=r_0$, and a radial path of light, which also passes through the point ($r_p,\phi_p$). The boxed diagram is of a small neighbourhood around the point ($r_p,\phi_p$), it can be thought of as a magnification of this point. The points $p_1$ and $p_2$ are points in this neighbourhood lying on the paths corresponding to $K$ and $W$, respectively. The space-like vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ at $p$ on the diagram are the projections of $K$ and $W$ onto the ($r,\phi$) space, respectively. The intersection angle between the two paths on this flat diagram, which is the angle between $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$, is $\alpha_E$.} \label{fig11}
\end{figure}
Assuming that the points $p_1$ and $p_2$ are in the immediate vicinity of the observer, let the distance measured form $p$ to $p_2$ be $dx$ and the distance from $p_1$ to $p_2$ be $dy$. The measurable intersection angle by the static observer, $\alpha_M$, corresponding to $\alpha_E$ on the figure above, can then be expressed as
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\frac{dy}{dx}. \label{34}
\end{equation}
Since $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial y}$ are parallel with $\frac{\partial}{\partial r}$ and $\frac{\partial}{\partial \phi}$, respectively, we immediately see that
\begin{equation}
dx=\frac{dr}{\sqrt{f(r_p)}} \quad and \quad dy=r_p d\phi. \label{35}
\end{equation}
Using \eqref{35} in \eqref{34},
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{f(r_p)}r_p\frac{d\phi}{dr}. \label{36}
\end{equation}
The angle $\alpha_E$ in the figure can be expressed as
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_E)=r_p\frac{d\phi}{dr}. \label{37}
\end{equation}
Using \eqref{37} in \eqref{36}, dropping the subscript $p$, we find
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{f(r)}\tan(\alpha_E). \label{38}
\end{equation}
This is the first equation we were seeking: it relates the measurable intersection angle $\alpha_M$ to the Euclidean angle $\alpha_E$. In SdS space, $f(r)$ will depend on both $m$ and $\Lambda$, which is how $\Lambda$ has an influence on such measurements. The source of this influence can be viewed as the stretching of space due to $\Lambda$, quantitatively entering the analysis through the first of equations \eqref{35}. We can also express the measurable angle, $\alpha_M$, in terms of $r$ and $r_0$. Using \eqref{tp2e3} in \eqref{36} gives
\begin{align}
\nonumber \tan(\alpha_M) &= \frac{\sqrt{f(r)}}{\sqrt{(\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3})r^2+\frac{2m}{r}-1}}\\
&= \frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}. \label{38a}
\end{align}
If $r_0$ can be found from some boundary conditions, then the last equation above is particularly useful. Although equation \eqref{38} was derived under the assumption that one of the paths is radial, it is useful due to its simple form. It illustrated the role of $\Lambda$ in a most simple and intuitive way, and it can be used as a starting point to establish a more general relationship.
Consider now the situation where neither $K$ nor $W$ is associated with the radial trajectory. Again, let $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ be the projections of the vectors onto the slice ($r,\phi$) and $\alpha_E$ be the Euclidean angle, appearing on the flat plane, between them. The following figure is of a neighbourhood around the point of intersection on the ($r,\phi$) plane, much like the boxed part of the last figure, however this time both $W$ and $K$ are in arbitrary directions.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig14}
\caption{Similar to the boxed part of Figure \ref{fig11}, this figure is of a small neighbourhood around an intersection point on the ($r,\phi$) plane. The vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ are the tangent vectors of the intersecting paths on the plane, the dashed line represents the radial direction at this point. The angles $\alpha_{E1}$ and $\alpha_{E2}$ are Euclidean angles on the flat plane between the radial direction and the vectors $\overline{W}$ and $\overline{K}$, respectively.} \label{fig12}
\end{figure}
What we are after is the measurable intersection angle $\alpha_M$, corresponding to $\alpha_E$ on the above figure. Let $\alpha_{M1}$ and $\alpha_{M2}$ be the measurable angles corresponding to $\alpha_{E1}$ and $\alpha_{E2}$, respectively. Clearly,
\begin{equation}
\alpha_M=\alpha_{M2}-\alpha_{M1}. \label{39}
\end{equation}
Since the angles $\alpha_{M1}$ and $\alpha_{M2}$ are sustained with the radial direction, they can be expressed in terms of $\alpha_{E1}$ and $\alpha_{E2}$ according to equation \eqref{38}. This outlines a method of finding the expression for the measurable angle in an arbitrary orientation. The influence of $\Lambda$ in this case is clear and comes from the reference to equation \eqref{38}.
Let us consider a different approach to the problem. We have already established that the local space around the static observer can be represented by metric \eqref{tp1e3} in the coordinates ($r,\phi$), as well as the flat metric \eqref{33} in local Minkowski coordinates. The intersection angle measured between two trajectories of light with 4-velocities $K$ and $W$ is the angle sustained by the projections of $K$ and $W$ onto the local space of the observer. For a static observer, these projections are just projections onto the local ($r,\phi$) space, since it corresponds to the local ($x,y$) space. With $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ being the projections of $K$ and $W$, without restricting to any particular orientation, we have in general
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_M)=\frac{\overline{K} \cdot \overline{W}}{|\overline{K}||\overline{W}|}. \label{40}
\end{equation}
Intuitively, since the angle $\alpha_M$ belongs to the Minkowski space of the observer, we may consider the vectors in \eqref{40} to exist in this Minkowski space and to be written in the $x$ and $y$ coordinates, with the inner products taking place in the ($x,y$) plane. However, since inner products are coordinate independent, there is no need to use any coordinates other than the given ($r,\phi$) to establish a relationship from \eqref{40} for a particular situation. Equation \eqref{40} can be used for any given 4-vectors $K$ and $W$, the projected vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ can be found, for a static observer, simply by eliminating the $t$ component in each of the 4-vectors. For the special case where $W$ is associated with a radial trajectory, we find
\begin{equation}
\overline{K} \cdot \overline{W}=\frac{1}{f(r)} K^r W^r, \label{41}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
|\overline{K}|=\sqrt{\frac{K^{r2}}{f(r)}+r^2 K^{\phi 2}}, \label{42}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
|\overline{W}|=\frac{W^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}}. \label{43}
\end{equation}
Using \eqref{41}, \eqref{42}, and \eqref{43} in \eqref{40}
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\alpha_M) &= \frac{K^r}{f(r)\sqrt{\frac{K^{r2}}{f^2(r)}+r^2 \frac{K^{\phi 2}}{f(r)}}}\\
&=\frac{K^r}{\sqrt{K^{r2}+r^2 K^{\phi 2} f(r)}}. \label{44}
\end{align}
From the trigonometric identity
\begin{equation}
\tan^2(\alpha)=\frac{1}{\cos^2(\alpha)}-1, \label{45}
\end{equation}
we find
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{1+f(r) r^2 \frac{K^{\phi 2}}{K^{r2}}-1}=\sqrt{f(r)} r \frac{K^{\phi}}{K^r}. \label{46}
\end{equation}
Since $\frac{K^{\phi}}{K^r}=\frac{\left( \frac{d \phi}{d \lambda} \right)}{\left( \frac{dr}{d \lambda}\right)}=\frac{d \phi}{dr}$, we have
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_M)=\sqrt{f(r)} r \frac{d \phi}{dr}=\sqrt{f(r)} \tan(\alpha_E), \label{48}
\end{equation}
where $\alpha_E$ is the corresponding Euclidean intersection angle on the flat ($r,\phi$) plane. Thus, we have derived equation \eqref{38} as a special case of equation \eqref{40}. A similar reasoning to the one used in establishing equation \eqref{40} will be employed in the derivation of the general relation, applicable to any observer, which is the main goal of this section. In the meanwhile, we notice that with an established relationship for a static observer one can construct a relationship for any other observer by using the aberration equation to relate the measurable angles. This fact is important and may be of practical use, however, it may be inconvenient in some cases to refer to a static observer that is not part of the setup. Moreover, it is of mathematical curiosity to establish a relationship between a measurable angle and the associated three 4-vectors from first principles, with no reference to a proxy observer.
\subsection{Derivation of a general formula for measurable intersection angles} \label{sec5b}
The following is a derivation of the general formula for the measurable intersection angle by any observer. The final result is the main goal of this section and, perhaps, the result of most importance in this paper. For the sake of generality, we make no assumptions except that the metric of the space where the event occurs is locally Minkowski. For simplicity, in the derivation we consider the spacetime to be four dimensional, and we stick with the convention of positive signature. The generalization of the derivation to any higher dimension is trivial and the final relationship is true for all dimensions.
Let $U$ be the 4-velocity of the observer at the event of intersection. Let $K$ and $W$ be the 4-vectors of the intersecting trajectories. At this point we do not make any assumptions on $K$ and $W$. The trajectories can be time-like, null or space-like. An example of a space-like trajectory is a simultaneous chain of events in some extended rigid frame. Consider a rigid line in the frame of which clocks at different locations are synchronized and simultaneity is well defined. Consider now a flash, or rather a brief change in colour, taking place simultaneously at each point on the line. In a different extended frame, in relative motion to the frame of the line, the chain of events will not be simultaneous. Rather, in the second frame the flash, or change in colour, travels along the points of the line faster than the speed of light, appearing as a traced path. This is a space-like trajectory, projected onto the second frame. Clearly, time-like and null trajectories represent paths of massive objects and rays of light, respectively. Let ($w^0,w^1,w^2,w^3$) be a given set of coordinates in a patch of the underlying spacetime, and let ($\tau,x,y,z$) be the local Minkowski coordinates of the observer at the point of intersection, with $\tau$ being the proper time. At the point of intersection, during a short interval of proper time around the event, the trajectories pass through the frame of the observer, tracing paths in the local space, ($x,y,z$), of the observer. This is illustrated in Figures \ref{fig13} and \ref{fig13a}.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=85mm]{fig15}
\caption{Two intersecting arbitrary trajectories. One of the space-like dimensions is suppressed. The 4-velocity vector of the observer at the point of intersection is shown. The local flat space of the observer, in which measurements take place and to which the 4-velocity, $U$, is normal is shown as well. This local space together with the 4-velocity vector constitute the local Minkowski spacetime of the observer at the event of intersection.} \label{fig13}
\end{figure}
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=75mm]{fig16}
\caption{An enlargement of the event of intersection in the previous figure. The world-line of the observer around this event is the vertical line, the two intersecting trajectories appear locally straight. As the trajectories pass through the neighbourhood of the observer, they trace paths in its local space. The dashed lines are the paths in the local space of the observer, traced by the two trajectories. The space slices depicted are successive instances of proper time $\tau$. The measurable intersection angle, $\alpha$, is the angle sustained by the traced paths.} \label{fig13a}
\end{figure}
The measurable intersection angle by the observer is the angle between the traced paths in the observer's space, $\alpha$. This angle is determined by the tangent vectors of the projected paths in space. These tangent vectors are the projections of the 4-vectors $K$ and $W$ onto the space of the observer. Let $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ be the projections of $K$ and $W$ onto the space of the observer, respectively. Let $K|$ and $W|$ be components of $K$ and $W$, respectively, parallel to $U$. We have
\begin{equation}
K=K|+\overline{K}, \qquad W=W|+\overline{W}. \label{49}
\end{equation}
See Figure \ref{fig14}.
\begin{figure}[!ht]
\includegraphics[width=70mm]{fig17}
\caption{The figure shows the 4-velocity $U$ and the perpendicular local space (the laboratory space), the 4-vectors $K$ and $W$ and their projections $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ onto the local space. Also shown, the components of the vectors parallel to U, $K|$ and $W|$. The measurable intersection angle $\alpha$, is the angle sustained by the two projected vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ on this diagram.} \label{fig14}
\end{figure}
The measurable intersection angle $\alpha$, in the observer's frame, can therefore be expressed as usual.
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{\overline{K} \cdot \overline{W}}{|\overline{K}||\overline{W}|}. \label{50}
\end{equation}
The task now is to find $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ given the three 4-vectors $U$, $K$ and $W$, and take the inner product in accordance with the metric. We shall be abundantly clear in the following derivation. In the local Minkowski coordinates of the observer, the 4-vectors $K$ and $W$ can be expressed as
\begin{equation}
K=K^\tau \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau} + K^x \frac{\partial}{\partial x} + K^y \frac{\partial}{\partial y} + K^z \frac{\partial}{\partial z}, \label{51}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
W=W^\tau \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau} + W^x \frac{\partial}{\partial x} + W^y \frac{\partial}{\partial y} + W^z \frac{\partial}{\partial z}. \label{52}
\end{equation}
And, clearly,
\begin{equation}
\overline{K}=K^x \frac{\partial}{\partial x} + K^y \frac{\partial}{\partial y} + K^z \frac{\partial}{\partial z}, \qquad K|=K^τ \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau}, \label{53}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\overline{W}=W^x \frac{\partial}{\partial x} + W^y \frac{\partial}{\partial y} + W^z \frac{\partial}{\partial z}, \qquad W|=W^τ \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau}. \label{54}
\end{equation}
In the coordinates $w^\alpha$, we have
\begin{equation}
K=K^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \qquad W=W^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \label{55}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\overline{K}=\overline{K}^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \qquad \overline{W}=\overline{W}^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \label{56}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
K|=K|^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \qquad W|=W|^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}. \label{57}
\end{equation}
In general, for any set of independent coordinates $q^\alpha$, and a vector $A$, such that $A=A^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial q^\alpha}$, the quantities $A^\alpha$ are determined by $A^\alpha=dq^\alpha(A)$, where $dq^\alpha$ is the differential 1-form corresponding to the coordinate $q^\alpha$, for a given value of the index $\alpha$. Therefore,
\begin{equation}
K^\tau=d\tau(K)=d\tau(K^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha})=K^\alpha \frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha}, \label{58}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
W^\tau=d\tau(W)=d\tau(W^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha})=W^\alpha \frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha}. \label{59}
\end{equation}
And
\begin{equation}
K|= K^\tau \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau} = \left( K^\alpha \frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha} \right) \left( \frac{\partial w^\beta}{\partial \tau} \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\beta} \right), \label{60}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
W|= W^\tau \frac{\partial}{\partial \tau} = \left( W^\alpha \frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha} \right) \left( \frac{\partial w^\beta}{\partial \tau} \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\beta} \right). \label{61}
\end{equation}
The 4-vector $U$ and its dual covector, $\widetilde{U}$, with respect to the metric, can be expressed in the two sets of coordinates as follows.
\begin{equation}
U=\frac{\partial}{\partial \tau}=U^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \label{62}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
\widetilde{U}=-d\tau=U_\alpha dw^\alpha. \label{63}
\end{equation}
Since $\frac{\partial}{\partial \tau}=\frac{\partial w^\alpha}{\partial \tau} \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}$ and $d\tau=\frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha} dw^\alpha$, we have
\begin{equation}
U^\alpha=\frac{\partial w^\alpha}{\partial \tau}, \label{64}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
U_\alpha=-\frac{\partial \tau}{\partial w^\alpha}. \label{65}
\end{equation}
Using \eqref{64} and \eqref{65} in \eqref{60} and \eqref{61}.
\begin{equation}
K|= -K^\alpha U_\alpha U^\beta \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\beta}. \label{65a}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
W|= -W^\alpha U_\alpha U^\beta \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\beta}. \label{65b}
\end{equation}
Therefore,
\begin{equation}
K|^\alpha= -K^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha, \label{65c}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
W|^\alpha= -W^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha. \label{65d}
\end{equation}
We can now express $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ as follows.
\begin{align}
\nonumber \overline{K} = K-K| &= K^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha} + K^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}\\
&= \left(K^\alpha + K^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha \right) \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}, \label{66}
\end{align}
and
\begin{align}
\nonumber \overline{W} = W-W| &= W^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha} + W^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}\\
&= \left(W^\alpha + W^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha \right) \frac{\partial}{\partial w^\alpha}. \label{67}
\end{align}
Therefore,
\begin{align}
\nonumber \overline{K}^\alpha &= K^\alpha + K^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha\\
\nonumber &= \delta^\alpha_\beta K^\beta + K^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha\\
&= \left( \delta^\alpha_\beta + U^\alpha U_\beta \right)K^\beta, \label{68}
\end{align}
and
\begin{align}
\nonumber \overline{W}^\alpha &= W^\alpha + W^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha\\
\nonumber &= \delta^\alpha_\beta W^\beta + W^\beta U_\beta U^\alpha\\
&= \left( \delta^\alpha_\beta + U^\alpha U_\beta \right)W^\beta. \label{69}
\end{align}
Here $\delta^\alpha_\beta$ is the usual Kronecker delta. Let
\begin{equation}
h^\alpha_\beta =\delta^\alpha_\beta + U^\alpha U_\beta, \label{70}
\end{equation}
so that
\begin{equation}
\overline{K}^\alpha = h^\alpha_\beta K^\beta, \qquad \overline{W}^\alpha = h^\alpha_\beta W^\beta. \label{71}
\end{equation}
Using the metric tensor of the spacetime, $g_{\alpha\beta}$, to lower the upper index of $h^\alpha_\beta$ gives
\begin{equation}
h_{\alpha\beta} = g_{\alpha\gamma} h^\gamma_\beta = g_{\alpha\beta}+U_\alpha U_\beta. \label{72}
\end{equation}
Let $\overline{g}_{\alpha\beta}$ be the metric of the local space of the observer, that is the metric of the subspace perpendicular to $U$ at the event of measurement. The natural requirement of $\overline{g}_{\alpha\beta}$ to be consistent with $g_{\alpha\beta}$ is to simply be a restriction of $g_{\alpha\beta}$ onto the subspace under consideration and the tangent vectors within it. That is, for the vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$, in the local space of the observer,
\begin{align}
\nonumber \overline{g}_{\alpha\beta} \overline{K}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta &= g_{\alpha\beta} \overline{K}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta\\
\nonumber &= g_{\alpha\beta} h^\alpha_\gamma K^\gamma h^\beta_\delta W^\delta\\
&= h_{\beta\gamma} K^\gamma h^\beta_\delta W^\delta. \label{73}
\end{align}
Now, $h_{\beta\gamma}=h_{\alpha \beta} h^\alpha_\gamma$, since
\begin{align}
\nonumber h_{\alpha \beta} h^\alpha_\gamma &= ( g_{\beta\alpha} + U_\beta U_\alpha ) ( \delta^\alpha_\gamma + U^\alpha U_\gamma )\\
\nonumber &= g_{\beta\gamma}+U_\beta U_\gamma+U_\beta U_\gamma-U_\beta U_\gamma\\
\nonumber &= g_{\beta\gamma}+U_\beta U_\gamma\\
&= h_{\beta\gamma}. \label{74}
\end{align}
With this, we can go back to \eqref{73} to find
\begin{equation}
\overline{g}_{\alpha\beta} \overline{K}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta = h_{\alpha\beta} h^\alpha_\gamma K^\gamma h^\beta_\delta W^\delta = h_{\alpha\beta}\overline{K}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta. \label{75}
\end{equation}
Since $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ are arbitrary, we have shown that
\begin{equation}
\overline{g}_{\alpha\beta} = h_{\alpha\beta}. \label{76}
\end{equation}
The considerations above should make it intuitively evident that the observer dependent tensor $h^\alpha_\beta$ is a projection tensor, which projects any 4-vector onto the local space of the observer, and the related covariant tensor $h_{\alpha\beta}$ is the metric tensor of that space. Of course, if we express $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ in the Minkowski coordinates ($x,y,z$), then the inner products in equation \eqref{50} can be taken with respect to the flat metric of the observer's space,
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2|_\Sigma=\mathrm{d}x^2+\mathrm{d}y^2+\mathrm{d}z^2. \label{77}
\end{equation}
However, in the original coordinates of the spacetime, $w^\alpha$, at the point of measurement, the local metric of the observer's space is given by the tensor $h_{\alpha\beta}$, and the vectors $\overline{K}$ and $\overline{W}$ are given by equations \eqref{71}. With the considerations above we go back to equation \eqref{50} to find the required expression for the measurable intersection angle $\alpha$.
\begin{widetext}
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\alpha) &= \frac{\overline{K} \cdot \overline{W}}{|\overline{K}||\overline{W}|} = \frac{h_{\alpha\beta}\overline{K}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta}{\sqrt{h_{\alpha\beta}\overline{K}^\alpha \overline{K}^\beta} \sqrt{h_{\alpha\beta}\overline{W}^\alpha \overline{W}^\beta}}\\
\nonumber &= \frac{h_{\alpha\beta}K^\alpha W^\beta}{\sqrt{h_{\alpha\beta}K^\alpha K^\beta} \sqrt{h_{\alpha\beta}W^\alpha W^\beta}}\\
\nonumber &= \frac{g_{\alpha\beta}K^\alpha W^\beta+U_\alpha U_\beta K^\alpha W^\beta}{\sqrt{g_{\alpha\beta}K^\alpha K^\beta+U_\alpha U_\beta K^\alpha K^\beta} \sqrt{g_{\alpha\beta}W^\alpha W^\beta+U_\alpha U_\beta W^\alpha W^\beta}}\\
&= \frac{K \cdot W + (U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{\sqrt{K \cdot K + (U \cdot K)^2} \sqrt{W \cdot W + (U \cdot W)^2}}. \label{78}
\end{align}
\end{widetext}
\textbf{Theorem 1:}\\
\noindent The measurable intersection angle $\alpha$ by an observer with 4-velocity $U$, sustained by two paths with tangent 4-vectors $K$ and $W$ at the point of intersection is given by
\begin{equation*}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{K \cdot W + (U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{\sqrt{K \cdot K + (U \cdot K)^2} \sqrt{W \cdot W + (U \cdot W)^2}}.
\end{equation*}\\
Equation \eqref{78} can be applied to any observer and any trajectories, whether time-like, null or space-like. However, it can be considerably simplified for the case of null trajectories, which is, fortunately, the case of interest. With $K$ and $W$ being null,
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\alpha) &= \frac{K \cdot W + (U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}\\
&= \frac{K \cdot W}{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}+1. \label{79}
\end{align}\\
\textbf{Corollary 1:}\\
\noindent For the case of null trajectories, the above theorem reduces to
\begin{equation*}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{K \cdot W}{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}+1.
\end{equation*}\\
The above equation is the general formula we were seeking. In four dimensional spacetime, it gives the desired expression of the measurable angle, $\alpha$, in terms of the 4-velocity of the observer, $U$, and the null 4-vectors of the intersecting trajectories, $K$ and $W$. The formula is coordinate independent, which may be important in many applications.
\subsection{Applications of the general formula}
Before ending this section we consider a few applications of equation \eqref{79}. We shall demonstrate its use in the frameworks concerned with angle measurements in SdS space and the aberration of light phenomenon of special and general relativity. As always, for the sake of demonstration and simplicity, whenever there is a choice of positive or negative sign, if not stated otherwise, we shall take the positive.
\subsubsection{Static observer in SdS space revisited}
In reference to the first part of this section and the SdS metric of section \ref{sec2}, we proceed as follows. Let $U$ be the 4-velocity of a static observer, given by equation \eqref{32a} in Kottler coordinates. Again, without loss of generality we assume the trajectories are confined to the $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$ subspace. For the sake of comparison and simplicity let us take the 4-Vector $W$ to be exclusively in the radial direction. The inner products that we need are
\begin{equation}
K \cdot W = -f(r) K^t W^t + \frac{K^r W^r}{f(r)}, \label{82}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
U \cdot K = -f(r)\frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}K^t = -\sqrt{f(r)} K^t, \label{83}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
U \cdot W = -f(r)\frac{1}{\sqrt{f(r)}}W^t = -\sqrt{f(r)} W^t. \label{83a}
\end{equation}
Using \eqref{82}, \eqref{83} and \eqref{83a} in \eqref{79}, we find
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\alpha) &= \frac{-f(r) K^t W^t + \frac{K^r W^r}{f(r)} + f(r) K^t W^t}{f(r) K^t W^t}\\
&= \frac{K^r W^r}{f^2(r) K^t W^t}. \label{84}
\end{align}
And with the help of the null conditions $K \cdot K = 0$ and $W \cdot W=0$, we get
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha) = \frac{K^r}{\sqrt{K^{r2}+r^2 K^{\phi 2} f(r)}}. \label{84a}
\end{equation}
The above equation is identical to equation \eqref{44}, demonstrating the consistency of the general formula. As it was already shown following equation \eqref{44}, with $\alpha_E$ being the Euclidean intersection angle in the flat ($r,\phi$) plane, it is straight forward to derive equations \eqref{38}, \eqref{48}, or \eqref{38a} from equation \eqref{84a}.
\subsubsection{Relativistic aberration of light}
As discussed before, one can use the aberration equation to relate the measurable angle of the static observer to the measurable angle of an observer in relative motion to it. However, since equation \eqref{79} can be used to express the measurable angles of any two observers in any metric, one may suspect that it may be used to derive the aberration equation itself. The well known aberration equation of special relativity is the following:
\begin{equation}
\cos(\bar{\alpha})= \frac{\cos(\alpha)-v}{1-v \cos(\alpha)}. \label{85}
\end{equation}
Here, $\alpha$ and $\bar{\alpha}$ are the two different angles measured by the different observers, and $v$ is their relative speed (sometimes taken to be negative in the equation). It is commonly derived in textbooks from geometric considerations or special relativistic velocity transformations. See for example \cite{rindler}. The equation is valid under the assumption that in the frame of one of the observers the other observer is travelling in the same direction as one of the light rays. We shall derive a general aberration equation, applicable to any two observers and any two light rays in any orientation. We then demonstrate how equation \eqref{85} can be obtained, for the particular orientation assumed in the usual derivation of the aberration equation. As it was for the derivation of equation \eqref{79}, we shall assume nothing of the background metric of the spacetime, except that it is locally Minkowski and of positive signature. For simplicity and concreteness let us take the dimension to be four.
Let $U$ and $V$ be the 4-velocities of two observers at the event of intersection, with ($\tau,x,y,z$) and ($\bar{\tau},\bar{x},\bar{y},\bar{z}$) being the Minkowski coordinates of their respective local frames. Let $K$ and $W$ be the null 4-vectors, at the event of intersection, of any two trajectories of light. The derivation of the general aberration equation is immediate. With $\bar{\alpha}$ being the angle measured by the observer with 4-velocity $V$, from equation \eqref{79}
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha) - 1 = \frac{K \cdot W}{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}, \label{86}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
\cos(\bar{\alpha}) - 1 = \frac{K \cdot W}{(V \cdot K)(V \cdot W)}. \label{87}
\end{equation}
Dividing \eqref{87} by \eqref{86} gives
\begin{equation}
\frac{\cos(\bar{\alpha}) - 1}{\cos(\alpha) - 1} = \frac{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{(V \cdot K)(V \cdot W)}. \label{89}
\end{equation}\\
\textbf{Theorem 2:}\\
\noindent The general relationship between the measurable angles $\alpha$ and $\bar{\alpha}$, related to observers with 4-velocity vectors $U$ and $V$, respectively, is given by
\begin{equation*}
\frac{\cos(\bar{\alpha}) - 1}{\cos(\alpha) - 1} = \frac{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{(V \cdot K)(V \cdot W)}
\end{equation*}\\
The above equation can be regarded as the general aberration equation. It relates the measurable angles in terms of the associated 4-vectors, it is coordinate independent and holds for any metric of general relativity. A specific aberration relationship can be obtained from \eqref{89} for any particular orientation; for the orientation assumed in the usual derivation of the aberration equation, \eqref{85}, that is, where the direction of motion of one observer coincides with a direction of a ray, it can be done as follows.
Let the direction of motion of the observer with 4-velocity $V$ in the frame of the observer with 4-velocity $U$ coincide with the direction of the light rays with 4-vector $W$. Let $v$ be the relative speed between the two observers. Solving for $\cos(\bar{\alpha})$ in \eqref{89} gives
\begin{equation}
\cos(\bar{\alpha}) = \frac{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{(V \cdot K)(V \cdot W)}(\cos(\alpha) - 1)+1. \label{90}
\end{equation}
Let us express the vectors and the inner products of equation \eqref{90} in the local Minkowski coordinates ($\tau,x,y,z$) of the observer with 4-velocity $U$. For convenience, we align the $x$ axis in the space of this observer with the direction of motion of the other observer and one of the rays. With $\bar{\tau}$ being the proper time of the observer with 4-velocity $V$, in these coordinates, we have
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2=-\mathrm{d}\tau^2+\mathrm{d}x^2+\mathrm{d}y^2+\mathrm{d}z^2, \label{92}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
U^\alpha=(1,0,0,0), \label{93}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
V^\alpha=\left( \frac{d \tau}{d \bar{\tau}},\frac{dx}{d \bar{\tau}},0,0 \right)=(V^\tau,V^x,0,0), \label{94}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
K^\alpha=(K^\tau,K^x,K^y,K^z), \label{95}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
W^\alpha=(W^\tau,W^x,0,0). \label{96}
\end{equation}
The components $V^\tau$ and $V^x$ can be expressed in terms of the relative velocity, $v$, as follows. By definition
\begin{equation}
v=\frac{dx}{d \tau}=\frac{dx}{d \bar{\tau}}\frac{d \bar{\tau}}{d \tau}=\frac{V^x}{V^\tau}, \label{96a}
\end{equation}
and since $V \cdot V = -1$, we have two equations in two unknowns. Solving for $V^\tau$ and $V^x$ gives
\begin{equation}
V^\tau=\frac{1}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}, \qquad V^x=\frac{v}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}. \label{96c}
\end{equation}
The above are well known relationships of special relativity. Further, the null condition $W \cdot W = 0$ gives
\begin{equation}
W^\tau=W^x. \label{96d}
\end{equation}
The somewhat obvious expression for the angle $\alpha$ in these coordinates is obtained from equation \eqref{79} as follows.
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha) = \frac{-K^\tau W^\tau + K^x W^x}{K^\tau W^\tau} + 1 = \frac{K^x}{K^\tau}. \label{97}
\end{equation}
The inner products appearing in equation \eqref{90} are
\begin{equation}
U \cdot K = -K^\tau, \qquad U \cdot W = -W^\tau, \label{98}
\end{equation}
\begin{align}
\nonumber V \cdot K &= -\frac{1}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}K^\tau+\frac{v}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}K^x\\
&=-\frac{1}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}(K^\tau-vK^x), \label{99}
\end{align}
and
\begin{align}
\nonumber V \cdot W &= -\frac{1}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}W^\tau+\frac{v}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}W^x\\
&=-\frac{1}{\sqrt{1-v^2}}W^x(1-v). \label{100}
\end{align}
Using \eqref{98}, \eqref{99} and \eqref{100} in \eqref{90} gives
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\bar{\alpha}) &= \frac{K^\tau W^\tau}{\left( \dfrac{1}{1-v^2} \right) (K^\tau-vK^x)W^x(1-v)}(\cos(\alpha) - 1)+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{K^\tau (1+v)}{K^\tau-vK^x}(\cos(\alpha) - 1)+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{(1+v)(\cos(\alpha) - 1)}{1-v\frac{K^x}{K^\tau}}+\frac{1-v \cos(\alpha)}{1-v \cos(\alpha)}\\
&= \frac{\cos(\alpha)-v}{1-v \cos(\alpha)}. \label{101}
\end{align}
Thus, we have derived the known aberration equation for the usually assumed orientation from the general equation \eqref{89}. This demonstrates the usefulness and consistency of both equations \eqref{89} and \eqref{79}. Overall, the proposed general, coordinate independent, aberration equation, \eqref{89}, may be applied to any setup and can considerably simplify the analysis in many situations.
Lastly, for completion, let us state the first order approximation in angles of equation \eqref{89}. For small angles $\alpha$ and $\bar{\alpha}$, to lowest order we find
\begin{equation}
\bar{\alpha} = \sqrt{\frac{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}{(V \cdot K)(V \cdot W)}} \alpha.
\end{equation}
This simple relationship may be of use in some situations, and of course, the well known first order approximation of the usual aberration equation, \eqref{85}, can be easily derived from it.
\subsubsection{General observer in SdS space}
Going back to paths of light in SdS space, specifically in the subspace $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$, let us employ equation \eqref{79} to express the measurable angle by a given observer in terms of relevant parameters. We shall consider the measurable angle in reference to a ray going in the radial, increasing $r$, direction, since these rays are usually available in a realistic situation. Although the trajectories are assumed to be confined to $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$, the metric of the spacetime is still given by equation \eqref{tp1e1}. Let $U$ be the 4-velocity of the observer making the measurement at the point of intersection. Let $K$ and $W$ be the 4-vectors of the intersecting trajectories of light, such that $W$ corresponds to the radial trajectory. In Kottler coordinates,
\begin{equation}
U^\alpha=(U^t,U^r,U^\phi,U^\theta), \label{103}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
K^\alpha=(K^t,K^r,K^\phi,0), \label{104}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
W^\alpha=(W^t,W^r,0,0). \label{105}
\end{equation}
Assuming that the path corresponding to the 4-vector $K$ has a point of minimum value of $r$, $r_0$, the components of $K$ in these coordinates are subject to equation \eqref{tp2e3}. For this path
\begin{align}
\nonumber \frac{dr}{d \phi} &= r \sqrt{\left(\frac{1}{r_0^2}-\frac{2m}{r_0^3}\right)r^2+\frac{2m}{r}-1}\\
&= r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}. \label{107}
\end{align}
Therefore,
\begin{equation}
\frac{K^r}{K^\phi}=\frac{\frac{dr}{d\lambda}}{\frac{d\phi}{d\lambda}}=\frac{dr}{d \phi}=r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}, \label{108}
\end{equation}
where $\lambda$ is an affine parameter, parametrizing the trajectory. The null conditions $K \cdot K=W \cdot W=0$ give the following relationships
\begin{equation}
f(r)W^t=W^r, \label{109}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{align}
\nonumber f(r)K^t &= \sqrt{K^{r2}+f(r)r^2 K^{\phi 2}}\\
\nonumber &= K^\phi r^2 \sqrt{\left(\frac{K^r}{K^\phi r^2}\right)^2+\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\\
&= K^\phi r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}. \label{110}
\end{align}
For convenience, we have assumed that all the components of the null vectors are positive. Let the measurable angle by the observer be $\alpha$ (we shall add the subscript 'M' when ambiguity may arise), using equation \eqref{79}, we find
\begin{widetext}
\begin{align}
\nonumber \cos(\alpha) &= \frac{K \cdot W}{(U \cdot K)(U \cdot W)}+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{-f(r)K^t W^t+\frac{K^r W^r}{f(r)}}{(-f(r)K^t U^t+\frac{K^r U^r}{f(r)}+r^2 K^\phi U^\phi)(-f(r)W^t U^t+\frac{W^r U^r}{f(r)})}+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{-K^\phi r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} W^t+K^r W^t}{(-K^\phi r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+\frac{K^r U^r}{f(r)}+r^2 K^\phi U^\phi)(-f(r)W^t U^t+W^t U^r)}+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{-r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+\frac{K^r}{K^\phi}}{(-r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+\frac{K^r U^r}{K^\phi f(r)}+r^2 U^\phi) (-f(r)U^t+U^r)}+1\\
\nonumber &= \frac{-r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{(-r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+r^2 \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{f(r)}+r^2 U^\phi) (-f(r)U^t+U^r)}+1\\
&= \frac{-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{(-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+ \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{f(r)}+U^\phi) (-f(r)U^t+U^r)}+1. \label{111}
\end{align}
\end{widetext}
In the above equation, $\Lambda$ comes in through $f(r)$ and $f(r_0)$. The measurable angle is conveniently expressed in Kottler coordinates and the relationship is applicable to any observer. Of course, due to the condition $U \cdot U=-1$ not all of the four components ($U^t,U^r,U^\phi,U^\theta$) can be independent, and at least one must depend on $\Lambda$. In different setups, any of the three space-like components, $U^r,U^\phi$ and $U^\theta$, may or may not depend on $\Lambda$, and therefore, the particular influence of $\Lambda$ depends closely on the situation being analyzed. Also, notice that the relationship between the parameters $b$ and $r_0$ can be written as follows.
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{b^2}=\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}. \label{112}
\end{equation}
This makes it slightly tempting to use the parameter $b$ to simplify equation \eqref{111}. However, considering what we know of this parameter, we see that it will partially mask the appearance of $\Lambda$, and may lead to misinterpretations when investigating the influence of $\Lambda$ on the measurable angle. Out of the three parameters $b$, $r_0$ and $B$, the parameter $r_0$ is the most appropriate and intuitive to use in the analysis at hand, and especially convenient in Kottler coordinates. To simplify the general expression given by \eqref{111}, let
\begin{widetext}
\begin{equation}
h(U)=\left(-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+ \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{f(r)}+U^\phi \right) \left(-f(r)U^t+U^r \right). \label{113}
\end{equation}
\end{widetext}
Then
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{h(U)}+1. \label{114}
\end{equation}
And a little algebra yields
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha)=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{2h(U)}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}-1}}{\frac{h(U)}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}-1}. \label{115}
\end{equation}
These expressions are particularly easy and convenient to use when $r_0$ is given as a boundary condition. Then, it is not even necessary to find a solution for the deflected trajectory, and the measurable intersection angle can found immediately. With any other boundary conditions, such as two points on the path (coordinate locations of source and observer, for example), we can use an exact solution to express $r_0$ in terms of these two points to any desired degree of accuracy. Further, although it was previously assumed that both $m$ and $\Lambda$ are relatively small for conceptual reasons, we have not yet made any mathematical approximations related to these parameters. Thus, the relationships above are exact; quantities may be calculated to any degree of accuracy and approximations can be made when convenient or necessary.
Let us apply the above results to a few specific observers. If we set the observer to be static, we get
\begin{equation}
h(U_{static})=\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}, \label{116}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{static})=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}}, \label{116a}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
\tan(\alpha_{static})=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}. \label{117}
\end{equation}
The last equation is identical to \eqref{38a}, as expected. Using equation \eqref{116a}, equation \eqref{114} can be expressed as
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}}{h(U)}(\cos(\alpha_{static})-1)+1. \label{117a}
\end{equation}
The above is a relationship between the intersection angle $\alpha$, measured by an observer with 4-velocity $U$, and the intersection angle $\alpha_{static}$, measured by a static observer. It may be of practical use in situations where reference to a static observer is advantageous. Notice how the relationship reminds one of the general aberration equation previously derived, from which this result could be obtained directly.
Consider now an observer on a circular trajectory, with constant coordinate $r$. That is, $U^r=0$, which gives
\begin{equation}
h(U_{circular})=\left(-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} U^t+U^\phi \right) \left(-f(r)U^t \right). \label{118}
\end{equation}
In certain situations the component $U^{\phi}$ can be considered independent, since it can be determined experimentally, in others $U^\phi$ can be expressed in terms of $m$ and $\Lambda$. For example, for measurements in the solar system, $U^\phi$, can be determined from the period of rotation experimentally, or expressed in terms of the mass of the sun and $\Lambda$. In the case where the deflected ray just gazes the surface of the sun, $r_0$ can be given by other existing theories or sources, which sets a convenient boundary condition and can be used directly in the above relationships, eliminating the need for a solution. Further, if we also confine the motion of the observer to the plane of the rays, setting $U^\theta=0$, the condition $U \cdot U=-1$ gives
\begin{equation}
U^t=\frac{\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}}{\sqrt{f(r)}}. \label{119}
\end{equation}
Therefore,
\begin{widetext}
\begin{align}
\nonumber h(U_{circular}) &= \left( \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} \frac{\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}}{\sqrt{f(r)}}-U^\phi \right) \sqrt{f(r)}\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}\\
&=\left( \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}} r U^\phi \right) \sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}. \label{120}
\end{align}
and
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{circular})=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}+\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} r^2 U^{\phi 2}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}} r U^\phi \sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}}{\left( \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}} r U^\phi \right) \sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}}. \label{121}
\end{equation}
\end{widetext}
The effects of $\Lambda$, $m$, and the velocity component, $r U^\phi$, on the measured angle can be studied from the above relationship, which can be considerably simplified with some standard approximations. No assumptions were taken regarding the sign of $U^\phi$. A positive sign will mean that the observer and the deflected ray move in the same angular direction, a negative sign means the opposite. If we choose to refer to a static observer at the event of measurement, then equation \eqref{117a} gives
\begin{widetext}
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{circular})=\frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} \left(\cos(\alpha_{static})-1 \right)}{\left( \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r)}{r^2}} r U^\phi \right) \sqrt{1+r^2 U^{\phi 2}}}+1. \label{122}
\end{equation}
\end{widetext}
The above relationship allows an investigation into how varying the value of $U^\phi$ increases or decreases the measurable angle $\alpha_{circular}$ relative to $\alpha_{static}$. We see how the terms $\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}$ and $\frac{f(r)}{r^2}$ are of some fundamental importance in this kind of analysis. Most of the relationships of interest can be expressed using combinations of these terms. Notice that in places where these terms are being subtracted from one another we have a perfect cancellation of $\Lambda$. This fact is important to keep in mind when interpreting results or making approximations involving $\Lambda$. Some approximations may prevent this sensitive cancellation, causing terms of $\Lambda$ to appear where they do not belong, and ultimately lead to misinterpretations. This observation applies to all the specific observers discussed here.
Next, consider a radially moving observer. For this observer $U^\phi=U^\theta=0$, and the condition $U \cdot U=-1$ gives
\begin{equation}
U^t=\frac{\sqrt{f(r)+U^{r2}}}{f(r)}. \label{123}
\end{equation}
Therefore,
\begin{widetext}
\begin{align}
\nonumber h(U_{radial}) &= \left(-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}} \frac{\sqrt{f(r)+U^{r2}}}{f(r)}+ \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{f(r)} \right) \left(-\sqrt{f(r)+U^{r2}}+U^r \right)\\
&= \left(\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right) \left(\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right), \label{113q}
\end{align}
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{radial})= \frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}+ \left(\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\right)\left(\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}-\frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} \right) }{\left(\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}\frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right) \left(\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right)}, \label{114q}
\end{equation}
and after some algebra,
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{radial})= \frac{\cos(\alpha_{static})+ \left(1+\cos(\alpha_{static}) \right) \left( \frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}-\frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} \right) }{\left(\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \cos(\alpha_{static}) \frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right) \left(\sqrt{1+\frac{U^{r2}}{f(r)}} - \frac{U^r}{\sqrt{f(r)}} \right)}. \label{115q}
\end{equation}
\end{widetext}
The above relationships can be used to study the effects of $\Lambda$, $m$, and the velocity component, $U^r$, on the measurable intersection angle. Inspecting these equations suggests that an increasing positive $U^r$ causes the measurable angle to increase, as one would expect in this setup. This observation may lead to a method of minimizing the relative experimental uncertainty coming from the measurement of the, usually small, angle. Minimizing such uncertainties is important when trying to establish a value of $\Lambda$ experimentally. Equations \eqref{114q} and \eqref{115q} are exact relationships. Together they demonstrate the additional effect of a radial velocity on the measurable intersection angle and the way in which this aberration phenomena may be taken advantage of in an experimental attempt of measuring $\Lambda$.
Lastly, let us consider a radially moving observer, located sufficiently far from the mass where its effects are completely negligible (outside the circle $\mathcal R$ on Figure \ref{split1}), and whose motion corresponds to the Hubble flow in de Sitter space, induced by $\Lambda$. Such conditions can model a realistic astrophysical setup; for example, where the source and the deflecting mass are distant galaxies, and together with the observer the three objects are separating due to the effects of a positive cosmological constant. The main assumption here is $r \gg 2m$, such that $\frac{2m}{r} \approx 0$, and the metric at the event of measurement is approximately that of de Sitter space.
\begin{equation}
\mathrm{d}s^2 = -f_{m=0}(r) \mathrm{d}t^2 + \frac{\mathrm{d}r^2}{f_{m=0}(r)}+r^2\sin^2(\theta)\mathrm{d}\phi^2 +r^2\mathrm{d}\theta^2, \label{116q}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation*}
f_{m=0}(r)=1-\frac{\Lambda}{3} r^2.
\end{equation*}
From equation \eqref{app:com} in the appendix, the 4-velocity of an observer moving according to Hubble flow, also referred to as a comoving observer, far away from the mass, in Kottler coordinates is
\begin{equation}
U^\alpha_{comoving} = \left( \frac{1}{f_{m=0}(r)},\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}r,0,0 \right). \label{117q}
\end{equation}
Notice how in this case the velocity component, $U^r$, itself depends on $\Lambda$, as to be expected, since the motion of the observer is caused by $\Lambda$. Using the above in equation \eqref{114q} produces
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha_{comoving}) = \frac{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f_{m=0}(r)}{r^2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}r}{\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f_{m=0}(r)}{r^2}}\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}r}. \label{118q}
\end{equation}
The above equation is exact, given \eqref{117q}, and can be considerably simplified by making approximations related to the relative magnitudes of $\Lambda$, $m$, $r$ and $r_0$. Of course, due to the chosen orientation, the above relationship, as well as \eqref{114q}, can also be obtained by means of the usual aberration equation, \eqref{85}, and the expression for $\alpha_{static}$, \eqref{116a}. The required relative speed in the aberration equation can be obtained through the same method leading to equations \eqref{96c}. Notice that the effects of $\Lambda$ in this case come from both the geometry and the velocity of the observer. Whether a positive $\Lambda$ diminishes or increases the measurable angle for such an observer can be studied from the above equation, for this particular orientation of rays. To address this question in a more general setup, equation \eqref{79} can be employed to produce similar relationships to \eqref{118q} for any orientation of interest. Also notice that in the cosmological context, where the deflecting mass may be a distant galaxy, the values of the coordinate $r$ and the parameter $r_0$ are determined indirectly, and may or may not depend on $\Lambda$ themselves as well. In the simplest case, $r_0$ can be at the edge of the deflecting galaxy, and can be found from other existing methods or tabulated data on the particular galaxy. In other cases, $r_0$ must be determined from other boundary conditions, which depending on the model and coordinates used, may themselves depend on $\Lambda$ directly or necessitate the appearance of $\Lambda$ in their relation to $r_0$. Furthermore, in the cosmological context, in a realistic case where all measurements can only be done by an observer at one point (such as on Earth in our galaxy), the determination of $r$ and $r_0$ from such measurable quantities and the dependence of these measurements on $\Lambda$ are issues that, on their own, deserve a detailed investigation. In order to avoid deviating too far off course, this investigation, which makes extensive use of our formula \eqref{79}, was reserved for a separate report, \cite{ll}. For now, however, we can learn much from the results derived in this section on the influence of $\Lambda$ and investigate the ways in which its value can be determined experimentally from some measurements of angles. The relationships obtained in this section can be used to study the influence of different parameters on measurable angles and reveal many interesting results. Various experiments concerned with the determination of $\Lambda$ from angle measurements can be analyzed, and even suggested, by means of these relationships.\\
Finally, it is clear that the results derived in this section are indispensable for a general analysis, which involves finding measurable intersection angles of light rays in SdS space. Equation \eqref{79} is a general, mathematical, result, while equation \eqref{114} specifically applies to the $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$ slice of SdS space and a particular orientation of light rays. Of course, by means of equation \eqref{79}, we can generalize the expressions to two arbitrary light rays in the plane of motion, without constricting one of the rays to be radial. Even further, we can generalize to arbitrary light rays confined to two different planes. However, due to the popularity of the usual conditions that lead to equation \eqref{114}, let us summarize by restating equations \eqref{tp2e3} and \eqref{114}, which constitute the complete set of tools needed to analyze paths of light and associated measurable angles in SdS space.
\begin{equation}
\left(\frac{dr}{d\phi}\right)^2=r^4\left(\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}\right), \tag{\ref{tp2e3}}
\end{equation}
and
\begin{equation}
\cos(\alpha)=\frac{-\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}}+\sqrt{\frac{f(r_0)}{r_0^2}-\frac{f(r)}{r^2}}}{h(U)}+1. \tag{\ref{114}}
\end{equation}
The fact that we chose to use the parameter $r_0$ in the above expressions makes them particularly useful in applications involving symmetric trajectories with a point of closest approach, which is by far the most popular case in the literature on the topic. However, the equations above are not limited to such situations. When there is no point of closest approach, $r_0$ can be replaced by the impact parameter $B$ (or some other parameter) in both equations. Although we have argued that in SdS spacetime it may be more appropriate to choose the parameter $r_0$ over $B$ in expressions, from a mathematical perspective the parameter $B$ is more general and its use may sometimes be necessary.
To be clear, a general analysis of the kind discussed above can be carried out from basic principles by means of the Euler-Lagrange equations and equation \eqref{79}. These two tools, together with some boundary conditions, are all that is needed for a complete analysis and can be used for any setup and any coordinates. For the specific case of the $\theta=\frac{\pi}{2}$ slice of SdS space in Kottler coordinates, the differential equation governing a trajectory of light, given by Euler-Lagrange equations, reduces to \eqref{tp2e3} and the expression for a measurable angle, given by equation \eqref{79}, with reference to a radial light ray, becomes \eqref{114}. Until recently, equation \eqref{tp2e3} was generally regarded as the main tool in investigating the influence of $\Lambda$, and measurable angles were mainly found through Euclidean methods justified in certain approximations. Rindler and Ishak's work promoted attention to other sources through which $\Lambda$ can influence mathematical results. The present work, however, is the first to introduce equation \eqref{114} to this topic, which now contains the necessary and sufficient tools needed to analyze the influence of $\Lambda$ on measurements correctly for any observer. Especially when investigating the influence of $\Lambda$ on measurable angles, it is clear that equation \eqref{tp2e3} on its own is not enough. Equation \eqref{114}, in some sense, brings the concept of measurement into the analysis, and as we've seen, this is where $\Lambda$ makes an entrance. Let us re-emphasise that although $\Lambda$ does not explicitly enter the analysis through the governing differential equation, \eqref{tp2e3}, it still influences the geometry through the metric which in turn affects measurements. This influence on the geometry is accounted for in the derivation of equation \eqref{114}, through which $\Lambda$ enters the analysis explicitly. Furthermore, in situations where $r_0$ is determined from boundary conditions that may depend on $\Lambda$, $\Lambda$ can enter the analysis through $r_0$ in both equations \eqref{tp2e3} and \eqref{114}. Additionally, as we've already seen, $\Lambda$ may also enter the analysis through the components of $U$, which are not all independent due to the normality requirement and may depend on $\Lambda$ themselves through other ways. The most important lesson here is that the influence of $\Lambda$ can come from various sources, making it hard to propose general conclusions on some important issues in this topic. The influence is sensitive to a particular situation that is being analyzed, and this allows for a various possibilities of how $\Lambda$ appears in results of interest.
The applications of the general formula for the intersection angles, \eqref{79}, extend well beyond light rays in SdS space. This formula is fundamental, in a geometrical sense, and coordinate independent. It may play a central role in many types of analysis, and can simplify things considerably. It also allows the generalization and provides another perspective of special relativistic aberration of light, and can be viewed as its general relativistic counterpart. As an additional application of the general formula, we utilized it to find expressions of cosmological distances analytically and to modifying the conventional analysis of weak gravitational lensing to account for $\Lambda$. We felt that the latter deserved to be the centre of a dedicated paper on the contribution of $\Lambda$ to the lens equation, \cite{ll}. In the present paper, however, we tried to concentrate on studying the influence of $\Lambda$ on the fundamental level, which is crucial to properly understand the recent debate on $\Lambda$'s effects on bending and intersection angles, which encouraged our investigation. Some important results that are derived in \cite{ll} are included in the appendix in order to be directly referred to in the next section, where we respond to some of the recent papers on the topic.
\section{Review of recent literature} \label{sec6}
In this section we respond to some of the recent papers on the topic and compare results of significance to the ones derived in the present work. We give a brief summary of each paper we respond to, and put it in the context of the previous sections. For a detailed examination of our comparisons, we encourage the reader to refer to the papers we discuss.
\subsection{W. Rindler and M. Ishak, 2007} \label{sec6a}
In this part we summarize and respond to the paper published by W. Rindler and M. Ishak in 2007, titled ``Contribution of the cosmological constant to the relativistic bending of light revisited", \cite{ri1}. Since then, the authors have published follow-up papers on the topic, \cite{rid} \cite{ri2} \cite{ridma} \cite{ishak1}, to which the following discussion applies.
In their paper, the authors begun by noting the work of Islam, \cite{islam}, and other papers that followed, and clearly stated that they agree with the accepted conclusion that $\Lambda$ drops out of the governing differential equation for path of light. Following this claim, they presented the key idea of their new approach: Actual observations depend on the geometry (metric) in addition to the orbit equation of a light ray, and when such effects are taken into account $\Lambda$ does contribute to results of interest. They start their analysis by describing the influence of $\Lambda$ on the geometry and qualitatively describe how this influence will contribute to measurements associated with light rays. They proceed by writing an approximate solution to first order in $m$ of the orbit equation in the ($r,\phi$) plane.
(eq. (9) of \cite{ri1})
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{r}=\frac{\sin(\phi)}{R}+\frac{3m}{2R^2}\left( 1+\frac{1}{3}\cos(2\phi) \right). \label{ri1sol}
\end{equation}
Similar to the approach in chapter 11 of \cite{rindler} by Rindler, the authors orient the path so that $r=r_0$ at $\phi=\frac{\pi}{2}$, and chose the constant of motion $R$ as the parameter in the solution. The relationship between $R$ and $r_0$ is
(eq. (10) of \cite{ri1})
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{r_0}=\frac{1}{R}+\frac{m}{R^2}. \label{ri:rR}
\end{equation}
Their $r, \:r_0, \:\phi$ and $m$ correspond exactly to ours of the previous sections. They note that other authors used the parameter $b$ in such discussions, but argued that while $b$ is meaningful in Schwarzschild space it is not the case in SdS space, which is not asymptotically flat. Next, the authors pointed out that while their solution equally applies to both Schwarzschild space and SdS space, only in the case of Schwarzschild space the bending angle can be found by letting $r$ go to infinity in the solution; in SdS space this limit makes no sense. This way of finding the bending angle corresponds to our definition 1 of section \ref{sec4b}, which we discussed in detail and compared to other definitions. The authors then explain the need for other angles in describing the deflection of a path of light. This is an issue to which we dedicated much attention ourselves, and is the main reason for including the detailed definitions of section \ref{sec4b} in the present work.
The authors then proceed by observing that a measurable angle is found correctly through the invariant formula
(eq. (11) of \cite{ri1}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\cos(\psi)=\frac{g_{ij}d^i \delta^j}{\sqrt{g_{ij}d^i d^j}\sqrt{g_{ij} \delta^i \delta^j}}.
\end{equation}
Here the metric tensor components, $g_{ij}$, are those of the line element \eqref{tp1e3} in our section \ref{sec2}, $d$ and $\delta$ are the tangents of the deflected ray and a radial ray, respectively, on the ($r,\phi$) plane, and $\psi$ is the measured angle. Notice that the above equation is identical to equation \eqref{40} of our section \ref{sec5a}. This is the key step in accounting for the contribution of the geometry to the measurable angle of interest, and this is precisely where $\Lambda$ pays its role. In fact, this step is what separates Rindler and Ishak's work from all the preceding attempts to investigate the influence of $\Lambda$ on measurements associated with light rays in SdS space.
With their solution to the deflected trajectory, \eqref{ri1sol}, they find an expression for $\frac{dr}{d\phi}$ and designate it by $\frac{dr}{d\phi}=A(r,\phi)$. This allows them to write an expression for the measurable intersection angle, $\psi$, as a function of $r$ and $\phi$ as follows,
(eq. (15) of \cite{ri1})
\begin{equation}
\cos(\psi)=\frac{|A|}{\sqrt{A^2+f(r)r^2}},
\end{equation}
and
(eq. (16) of \cite{ri1})
\begin{equation}
\tan(\psi)=\frac{\sqrt{f(r)}r}{|A|}=\sqrt{f(r)}\left| \frac{rd\phi}{dr}\right|, \label{ritan}
\end{equation}
where
\begin{equation}
f(r)=1-\frac{2m}{r}-\frac{1}{3}\Lambda r^2.
\end{equation}
Notice how equation \eqref{ritan} is identical to our equations \eqref{36} and \eqref{48} of section \ref{sec5a}. At this point, the authors did not make use of their approximate solution yet, which does not carry any terms of $\Lambda$. Thus, without the need of any approximations which the authors proceeded with, the main point of their argument is established by the expressions for the measurable angle $\psi$, where $\Lambda$ explicitly appears through $f(r)$. The authors then made a definition of the \textit{one-sided bending angle} as follows,
\begin{equation}
\epsilon=\psi-\phi. \label{ri1bend}
\end{equation}
Here $\epsilon$ is the one-sided bending angle, $\psi$ is the measurable angle with the radial and $\phi$ is the angular position coordinate of the observer. The reasoning for this definition comes from their Figure 2, the important features of which can be seen in our Figures \ref{split1}, \ref{split2} and \ref{fig10a}. This definition is similar to our definitions of $\beta_M$, the \textit{measurable deflection angle by a static observer}, of section \ref{sec4b}, and its Euclidean counterpart $\beta_E$. More on this in what follows. Finally, by using their approximate solution, \eqref{ri1sol}, the authors obtained explicit results for the specific cases of $\phi=0$ and $\phi=\frac{\pi}{4}$, under the assumption that $\epsilon$ is small, see equations (17) and (19) in \cite{ri1}. The results are expressed in terms of $R$, $m$ and $\Lambda$, which allows them to discuss the influence of $\Lambda$ and compare the newly defined bending angle to the case of Schwarzschild space.
Rindler and Ishak's approach to this topic is quite original and turns out to be very significant. They brought the concept of measurement into the picture and modified the current view regarding the influence of $\Lambda$. However, let us summarize the drawbacks that we find in the following three points. First, as we already stated, the use of an approximate solution is not needed for the main argument. The influence of $\Lambda$ on an important measurable quantity is clear from equation \eqref{ritan}. Moreover, there is no need to define a new parameter $R$ and use it in final results; this task is best fulfilled by the parameter $r_0$, which has a clear and useful geometrical interpretation. Second, the authors never address the question of which observer is making the measurement. In the context of the present work the answer is obvious, it is the static observer that is implicitly taken in all the expressions for measurable angles in \cite{ri1}. However, not mentioning it explicitly, in a way, hides the fact that measurable angles are observer dependent, and the influence of $\Lambda$ through the 4-velocity of the observer may be as important to study as the influence of $\Lambda$ through the metric itself. This lack of clarity, described by the latter point, may have been a cause for some arguments by other authors who responded to \cite{ri1}, see \cite{park} \cite{kp}. Lastly, upon closer examination of equation \eqref{ri1bend}, we find that the definition of the one-sided bending angle, $\epsilon$, is somewhat peculiar, in the following sense. On the right hand side of the equation, the angle $\psi$ is directly measurable, while the angle $\phi$ is purely Euclidean. In other words, $\psi$ belongs to the local frame of the particular observer, while $\phi$ is a Euclidean angle that belongs to a diagram on the ($r,\phi$) plane. This observation was not commented on in any of the preceding papers that respond to \cite{ri1}, whether in agreement or disagreement. Although not of major consequence, this definition of a bending angle leads to some problems. Let us discuss this issue in the context of our section \ref{sec4b} and write equation \eqref{ri1bend} in our notation. To this end, we refer to Figure \ref{fig10a} of section \ref{sec4b} and consider the angles in it. $\beta_E$ is the Euclidean angle between the bending trajectory and the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$, $\beta_{E1}$ is the Euclidean angle between a radial trajectory and the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$, and $\beta_{E2}$ is the Euclidean angle between a radial trajectory and the bending trajectory. Their measurable counterparts, by a static observer, are $\beta_M$ $\beta_{M1}$ $\beta_{M2}$, respectively. The ambiguity that arises with the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ is dealt with in the precise definition of $\beta_M$ in section \ref{sec4b}. As explained, we have chosen the reference to the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ due to the fact that at $r=r_0$ the tangent of the trajectory is parallel to this vector, and in this sense the angle between the trajectory and the vector $\frac{\partial}{\partial x}$ is a measure of the one-sided deflection. It seems that Rindler and Ishak followed similar reasoning in their definition. Now, in terms of the angles mentioned above, a measure of the deflection we are interested in is provided by either $\beta_E$ or $\beta_M$, of which only one is physically measurable, although both can be determined analytically. A straightforward way to find these angles is through $\beta_E=\beta_{E2}-\beta_{E1}$ and $\beta_M=\beta_{M2}-\beta_{M1}$, which is where the importance of the angles $\beta_{E1}$, $\beta_{E2}$, $\beta_{M1}$ and $\beta_{M2}$ comes in and why defining these angles is necessary. In the spirit of analyzing the effect of $\Lambda$ on measurements, we used the angle $\beta_M$ rather than $\beta_E$ in defining the deflection angle at a given point, and emphasised that it is measurable. Perhaps in the same spirit, Rindler and Ishak defined their one-sided bending angle, $\epsilon$, with reference to the measurable angle $\psi$. To compare our definitions, let us relate the angles that are used in defining $\epsilon$ to the angles of Figure \ref{fig10a}. Clearly, $\psi=\beta_{M2}$ and $\phi=\beta_{E1}$. Thus, using our notation we can define an identical deflection angle to the one defined by Rindler and Ishak as $\beta_{RI}=\beta_{M2}-\beta_{E1}$. To summarize, by using the angles $\beta_{E1}$, $\beta_{E2}$ and their measurable counterparts $\beta_{M1}$ and $\beta_{M2}$, we have defined three angular quantities that serve as a measure of the deflection of a light ray at a given point. These are:
\begin{equation}
\beta_E=\beta_{E2}-\beta_{E1} \qquad \text{(Euclidean deflection)}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\beta_M=\beta_{M2}-\beta_{M1} \qquad \text{(Measurable deflection)}
\end{equation}
\begin{equation}
\beta_{RI}=\beta_{M2}-\beta_{E1} \qquad \text{(Rindler and Ishak's $\epsilon$)}
\end{equation}
It is not clear as to why Rindler and Ishak chose this particular definition. Mixing measurable and Euclidean angles makes it hard to interpret results and discuss their significance. The angle $\beta_{RI}$ itself is neither measurable nor does it appear on a diagram that depicts the situation being analyzed. Hence, the geometrical significance of the Euclidean angle $\beta_E$ and the physical significance of the measurable $\beta_M$ are absent in the hybrid angle $\beta_{RI}$. Notice, however, that in the special case of $\phi=0$, which leads to equation (17) of \cite{ri1}, our bending angle, $\beta_M$, and Rindler and Ishak's bending angle $\beta_{RI}$ are equal, since in this case $\beta_{E1}=\beta_{M1}=0$. This is the case when the measurement is taken at the point of symmetry, in the language of section \ref{sec4b}, for which we defined the angle $\alpha_M$. Therefore, while equation (17) of \cite{ri1} makes perfect sense, equation (19) of \cite{ri1}, obtained for the case $\phi=\frac{\pi}{4}$, must be interpreted with extra care and its usefulness is not immediately clear. Another problem with the definition of $\beta_{RI}$ is that paths which are straight lines on the ($r,\phi$) plane may have a non-zero bending angle. A few examples can be thought of to demonstrate this fact, the simplest of which is perhaps a trajectory of light for the special case $m=0$. Overall, this non-zero bending angle occurrence can be seen from the fact that while $\beta_M=0$ for the case of a straight line, the angle $\beta_{RI}$ becomes a difference between a Euclidean angle and its measurable counterpart, which in general is non-zero when the space is curved. Thus, in light of the discussion of section \ref{sec4b}, concerning the requirements of quantities that represent deflection angles in Schwarzschild, SdS and de Sitter spaces, we see that the quantity $\beta_{RI}$, originally $\epsilon$, does not meet some of our expectations.\\
Before ending our discussion of Rindler and Ishak's work, for the sake of later argument, let us quote some important results that we obtained by means of Rindler and Ishak's methods presented in \cite{ri1}. These results are derived in detail in \cite{ll}, where we investigate the contribution of $\Lambda$ to the lens equation.
The first order solution given by \eqref{ri1sol} is all that is needed to obtain the, well know, first order single source lens equation, eq. \eqref{lens}.
\begin{equation}
y=R_S \theta_E-\frac{4mR_{SL}}{R_L \theta_E}.
\end{equation}
Referring to Figure \ref{lensing} of the appendix, the above relationship serves as a map between the distance $y$ on the lensed plane and the angular position $\theta_E$ at the point of observation, in terms of $m$ and the Euclidean parameters $R_S$, $R_L$ and $R_{SL}$. See the appendix for more details. The above relationship can be modified by utilization of equation \eqref{ritan} (arguably the equation of most significance in \cite{ri1}) to replace the Euclidean parameters on the right hand side with measurable parameters. The result is a map between $y$ and the measurable position angle $\theta_M$, in terms of angular diameter distances, all measured by a static observer.
\begin{equation}
y=D_S \theta_M-\frac{4m(D_S-D_L)}{D_L \theta_M \sqrt{1+\frac{\Lambda}{3}D_L^2}}. \label{ri:stat}
\end{equation}
See the appendix for more details. The above agrees with our equation \eqref{app:stat}. Notice the presence of $\Lambda$ in the above equation, which came about due the use of measurable parameters. Next, equation \eqref{ri:stat} can be further modified by employing the standard aberration equation to convert the quantities that are measurable by a static observer to quantities that are measurable by a comoving observer, which has a relative velocity of $v=\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}r$ and is moving in the radial direction. The result is a map between $y$ and the measurable position angle $\theta_M$, using angular diameter distances, all measured by a comoving observer.
\begin{equation}
y=D_S \theta_M-\frac{4m(D_S-D_L)}{D_L \theta_M \left( 1-\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}D_L \right) }. \label{ri:lcom}
\end{equation}
The above agrees with our equation \eqref{app:como}. Notice the appearance of $\Lambda$ in the above equation and how it differs from \eqref{ri:stat}. Due to the assumption of comoving motion, the above can be regarded as a cosmological gravitational lens equation for a single source, and it is noteworthy that it was derived by means of Rindler and Ishak's methods of \cite{ri1} combined with the standard aberration equation. Much of the criticism of Rindler and Ishak's conclusions is based on the fact that with a positive $\Lambda$ the source, observer and lens should be in relative, comoving, motion, which is not accounted for in \cite{ri1}. We shall use this last result when responding to some of the comments made in \cite{park} in a later section.
\subsection{M. Sereno, 2008} \label{sec6b}
In this part we summarize and respond to some aspects of the paper published by M. Sereno in 2008, titled ``Influence of the cosmological constant on gravitational lensing in small systems", \cite{sereno1}. Since then, the author has published the follow-up papers \cite{sereno2} and \cite{sereno3} on the topic, to which the following discussion also applies. Although the author supports the conclusions of Rindler and Ishak, the analysis in \cite{sereno1} provides an example of the misuse of the parameter $b$, which leads to a questionable interpretation of results.
In this paper, the author begins with a brief introduction in which he mentions Rindler and Ishak's work, \cite{ri1}. He begins his analysis with the Kottler metric, our equation \eqref{tp1e1}, and proceeds to write down the orbital equation for a light ray in ($r,\phi$) space in terms of the parameter $b$ in integral from:
(eq. (3) of \cite{sereno1}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\phi_S=\pm \int \frac{dr}{r^2}\left[ \frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{1}{r_\Lambda^2}-\frac{1}{r^2}+\frac{2m}{r^3} \right]^{-\frac{1}{2}}. \label{ser:equ}
\end{equation}
Here $\phi_S$ is the $\phi$ coordinate of the source, and the integral is to be taken from the $r$ coordinate of the source, $r_S$, to the $r$ coordinate of the observer, $r_O$ (in the original notation). Also, the observer is assumed to be positioned at $\phi_O=0$, without loss of generality. The parameter $r_\Lambda=\sqrt{\frac{3}{\Lambda}}$. The above equation is equivalent to our equation \eqref{tp2e1}, which we have discussed extensively, and which can also be written in terms of the parameters $B$ and $r_0$ (in our notation). Although the author defined the parameters $b_\Lambda$ and $r_{min}$, which are identical to our $B$ and $r_0$, respectively, he never used either in the expression of his solution to the orbital equation. The advantages in using either $B$ or $r_0$ instead of the parameter $b$ are discussed in detail throughout our sections \ref{sec3} and \ref{sec4}. We have shown that the parameter $b$ cannot be considered independent of $\Lambda$, and its use in results can be misleading when investigating the influence of $\Lambda$.
The author then proceeds to write an approximate solution to his equation (3) (our \eqref{ser:equ} above), expended in orders of $\epsilon_m \equiv \frac{m}{b}$ and $\epsilon_\Lambda \equiv \frac{r_O}{r_\Lambda}$, which are both represented by $\epsilon$ for simplicity.
(eq. (5) of \cite{sereno1}, in original notation)
\begin{align}
\nonumber \phi_S= &-\pi-\frac{4m}{b}+b\left( \frac{1}{r_S}+\frac{1}{r_O}\right) -\frac{15m^2 \pi}{4b^2}-\frac{128m^3}{3b^3}\\
\nonumber &+\frac{b^3}{6}\left( \frac{1}{r_S^3}+\frac{1}{r_O^3}\right)-\frac{3465m^4 \pi}{64b^4}-\frac{3584m^5}{5b^5}-\frac{2mb}{r_\Lambda^2}\\
\nonumber &-\frac{mb^3}{4}\left( \frac{1}{r_S^4}+\frac{1}{r_O^4}\right)+\frac{3b^5}{40}\left( \frac{1}{r_S^5}+\frac{1}{r_O^5}\right)\\
&-\frac{b^3}{2r_\Lambda^2}\left( \frac{1}{r_S}+\frac{1}{r_O}\right)+O(\epsilon^6). \label{ser:sol}
\end{align}
Although it appears somewhat complicated, his solution is essentially a relationship between $\phi_S$ and $r_S$ in terms of $m$, $r_O$, $b$ and $\Lambda$. This relationship is a function that represents a set of points which constitute the path of a light ray in ($r,\phi$) space. In light of our investigation of section \ref{sec3}, and given the fact that the boundary conditions the author considers are purely coordinate-like, we know that the path of light connecting the source and observer is independent of $\Lambda$. In other words, the set of points in ($r,\phi$) space that constitute the path of a light ray does not depend on $\Lambda$. The appearance of $\Lambda$ in the authors solution is entirely due to his choice of using the parameter $b$, which itself depends on $\Lambda$. The perfect cancellation of the $\Lambda$ terms in equation \eqref{ser:sol} that one would expect when transforming $b$ to either $b_\Lambda$ or $r_{min}$ is completely hidden by the approximation taken. In fact, a solution to \eqref{ser:equ} can be written without $\Lambda$, even without the use of $b_\Lambda$ or $r_{min}$, since either of which can be expressed in terms of the mass $m$, and the boundary conditions ($r_S,\phi_S$) and ($r_O,\phi_O=0$), without invoking $\Lambda$. Thus, if done correctly and with no approximations on $\Lambda$ the solution to the orbital equation should not contain any terms of $\Lambda$ at all. This is in contradiction with the conclusion made by the author following his equation (5).
Although Sereno's conclusions seem to be in agreement with those of Rindler and Ishak, we see that Rindler and Ishak took a completely different approach to this topic. They acknowledged the work of Islam and that $\Lambda$ should not contribute to the orbital equation or its solution, and they brought $\Lambda$ into the analysis through considerations of measurements. Sereno, on the other hand, without considering measurements, brought $\Lambda$ into the orbital equation by using the parameter $b$. Moreover, his approximation masked the fact that $\Lambda$ can be transformed away from the equation by using a more appropriate parameter, such as $b_\Lambda$ or $r_{min}$. In fact, if we compare Sereno's solution, \eqref{ser:sol}, to Rindler and Ishak's solution, \eqref{ri1sol}, we see while $\Lambda$ appears in one it does not appear in the other, which is quite a major conceptual disagreement. Rindler and Ishak argued against the use of the parameter $b$, which led them to define their parameter $R$. The main point here is that when investigating the appearance of $\Lambda$ in relationships of interest, the choice of the parameters used in these relationships is crucial; the advantage in using parameters that are independent of $\Lambda$ themselves is obvious.
\subsection{A. Bhadra, S. Biswas and K. Sarkar, 2010}
In this part we summarize and respond to some aspects of the paper published by A. Bhadra, S. Biswas and K. Sarkar in 2010, titled ``Gravitational deflection of light in the Schwarzschild-de Sitter space-time", \cite{bbs}. The authors of this paper seem to support Rindler and Ishak's conclusions, but there are a number of issues we find with their analysis that we shall discuss.
The authors begin by presenting the idea that $\Lambda$ does affect the orbit of a photon, as well as the resulting bending angle; unfortunately, a common idea on that side of the argument, \cite{sereno1} \cite{bp}. The authors mention Rindler and Ishak's original work, \cite{ri1}, and briefly discuss the ongoing debate regarding their conclusions. The position they seem to take is that, in addition to what was found by Rindler and Ishak, there is more to the contribution of $\Lambda$, which comes from the orbital equation. They begin their analysis by sating the Kottler metric, our equation \eqref{tp1e1}, and the orbital equation in ($r,\phi$) space in terms of the parameter $b$, our equation \eqref{tp2e1}. In defining their $b$, which is identical to our $b$, they state that it behaves as the impact parameter at large distances, which is incorrect. The quantity $\left[ \frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3} \right]^{-\frac{1}{2}}$ ($=B$) is what actually behaves as the impact parameter at large distances, see our section \ref{sec4b}. For a solution to the orbital equation, the authors used the exact same approximation as in \cite{ri1}, and even used the same parameter $R$, see equation \eqref{ri1sol}. However, they claimed that, ultimately, the parameter $R$ must be replaced with $b$ and $\Lambda$, since it is $b$ and $\Lambda$ that appear in the first order orbital equation and carry meaning. The relationship between $R$, $b$ and $\Lambda$ can be easily obtained by plugging the solution \eqref{ri1sol} into the differential equation \eqref{tp2e1}, or simply by combining equations \eqref{tp2e1a} and \eqref{ri:rR}. In either case, we find
\begin{equation}
\sqrt{\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}}=\frac{1}{R}+O(\left( \frac{m}{R}\right) ^2). \label{bbs:bR}
\end{equation}
The above relationship is in disagreement with the one stated by the authors:
(eq. (6) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{R}-\frac{m}{R^2}=\sqrt{\frac{1}{b^2}+\frac{\Lambda}{3}}. \label{bbs:Rb}
\end{equation}
The derivation of this equation is not explicit, so the source of error is not clear. Thus, in addition to proposing the use of $b$ and $\Lambda$ instead of $R$, the authors propose an incorrect relationship to make the transformation. Furthermore, the authors claim that by virtue of equations \eqref{bbs:Rb} and \eqref{ri:rR}, the parameter $r_0$ depends on $\Lambda$ as well.
The authors proceed to investigate the bending of the orbit, and define an appropriate deflection angle for light rays in SdS space. To this end, they utilized Rindler and Ishak's method and quoted the fundamental equation of their analysis in \cite{ri1}, our \eqref{ritan}, for the measurable angle by a static observer, $\psi$. They expressed this angle in terms of $r_0$, and approximated it to first orders in $m$ and $\Lambda$.
(eq. (11) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{equation}
\tan(\psi)=\frac{r_0}{r}+\frac{m}{r}-\frac{mr_0}{r^2}-\frac{\Lambda r_0 r}{6}+\frac{\Lambda r_0^3}{6r}. \label{bbs:tan}
\end{equation}
Next, following similar reasoning to that in \cite{ri1}, the authors defined the angle $\epsilon=|\psi-\phi|$, and expressed it by using \eqref{bbs:tan} and the approximate solution \eqref{ri1sol}, given small angles $\psi$ and $\phi$.
(eq. (12) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{equation}
|\epsilon|=|\psi-\phi|=\frac{2m}{r_0}-\frac{mr_0}{r^2}-\frac{\Lambda r_0 r}{6}+\frac{\Lambda r_0^3}{6r}. \label{bbs:eps}
\end{equation}
Notice that they chose to use $r_0$ in this expression, rather than either $R$ or $b$. Also, recall that the angle $\epsilon$, defined in this way, is a mixture of measurable and coordinate-like quantities.
Up to this point, other than the different treatment and interpretations of the parameters $b$ and $R$, the results of \cite{bbs} are in perfect agreement with those of \cite{ri1}. However, following their equation (12), the authors of \cite{bbs} explain that Rindler and Ishak's decision to put the observer at $\phi=0$ in the procedure of \cite{ri1} is not justified, and ultimately conclude that the angle should be expressed in terms of the arbitrary, but far from the origin, locations of the observer and the source, ($d_{OL},\phi_O$) and ($d_{LS},\phi_S$), respectively (in original notation). Their following result, which they call the \textit{total deflection angle}, is
(eq. (13) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{align}
\nonumber |\epsilon|=&\frac{4m}{r_0}-2mr_0 \left( \frac{1}{d_{LS}^2}+\frac{1}{d_{OL}^2} \right)\\
&-\frac{\Lambda r_0}{6}(d_{OL}+d_{LS})+\frac{\Lambda r_0^3}{6} \left( \frac{1}{d_{OL}}+\frac{1}{d_{LS}} \right). \label{bbs:13}
\end{align}
The above is a sum of two angles defined by \eqref{bbs:eps}, of which one represents the deflection of the ray as it goes from the source to $r_0$, while the other represents the deflection of the ray as it goes from $r_0$ to the observer. In a sense, it is a two sided $\beta_{RI}$ angle of section \ref{sec6a}, understanding the definition of which is key to the present discussion. Notice that $r_0$ in the above expression can be found from $d_{OL}$, $\phi_O$, $d_{LS}$ and $\phi_S$, without invoking $\Lambda$, which makes it somewhat of an unnecessary parameter in this situation. Replacing $r_0$ in terms of these boundary conditions will not change the appearance of $\Lambda$ in the expression. However, the authors set forth to replace $r_0$ with the parameter $b$, by approximating the exact relationship given by \eqref{tp2e1a} to first orders in $m$ and $\Lambda$.
(eq. (14) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{equation}
\frac{1}{r_0}-\frac{m}{r_0^2}=\frac{1}{b}-\frac{\Lambda b}{6}. \label{bbs:14}
\end{equation}
By using the above relationship they rewrite \eqref{bbs:13} in terms of $b$, to which, again, they incorrectly refer as the impact parameter.
(eq. (15) of \cite{bbs})
\begin{align}
\nonumber |\epsilon|=&\frac{4m}{b}-2mb \left( \frac{1}{d_{LS}^2}+\frac{1}{d_{OL}^2} \right) +\frac{2m\Lambda b}{3}\\
&-\frac{\Lambda b}{6}(d_{OL}+d_{LS})+\frac{\Lambda b^3}{6} \left( \frac{1}{d_{OL}}+\frac{1}{d_{LS}} \right). \label{bbs:15}
\end{align}
The above is their final expression for the \textit{total deflection angle}; it is expressed to first orders in $m$ and $\Lambda$. Hence, the expression in \eqref{bbs:15} is obtained by using a two sided angle $\beta_{RI}$, and bringing the parameter $b$ (and, consequently, its dependence on $\Lambda$) to the final result. This combines the problem we find with Rindler and Ishak's analysis in \cite{ri1}, and the problem we find with Sereno's analysis in \cite{sereno1}. Similar to the case of section \ref{sec6a}, and of no surprise, the deflection angle of equations \eqref{bbs:13} and \eqref{bbs:15} is non-zero for trajectories that are straight lines. Finally, in light of our own investigation in the previous sections, it is worth saying that in the analysis of \cite{bbs} the key contribution of $\Lambda$ comes from equation \eqref{bbs:tan} and should not come from equation \eqref{bbs:14} at all. As noted by the authors in a following paragraph, the difference between their results and the ones obtained in \cite{ri1} is primarily due to the fact that they included $\Lambda$ in the orbit equation as well, by making use of the parameter $b$.
\subsection{H. Arakida and M. Kasai, 2012}
In this part we summarize and respond to the paper published by H. Arakida and M. Kasai in 2012, titled ``Effect of the cosmological constant on the bending of light and the cosmological lens equation", \cite{ak}. The authors of this paper aim to clear up the confusion in the ongoing debate on the topic, which started following Rindler and Ishak's \cite{ri1}. The authors claim that $\Lambda$ does appear in the orbital equation of light and its solution, but does not contribute to the bending angle, due to its absorption into the impact parameter $B$. These conclusions seem to be in direct contradiction with those of Rindler and Ishak, who claimed the exact opposite. Let us discuss the analysis in \cite{ak} to clarify the reasons that led the authors to their conclusions.
The authors begin by solving the orbital equation for Schwarzschild space, which is identical in form to the one in SdS space, and which they later make use of in that case. Further, turning attention to SdS spacetime and working with the Kottler metric, they defined the parameters $b$ and $B$ in the same notation as ours. They recognized that, with $\Lambda \not= 0$, $B$ is the impact parameter rather than $b$, being the distance of closest approach with $m=0$ (see our definitions in section \ref{sec4b}). Their equation (10) is their orbital equation of light in SdS space, written in terms of $b$ and $\Lambda$. It is equivalent to our equation \eqref{tp2e1}. Upon stating this equation the authors emphasised that it ``obviously" includes $\Lambda$, and stated that arguments against this fact ``would be overstated". Next, by using the results earlier obtained for the case of Schwarzschild space, the authors state an approximate solution to \eqref{tp2e1} in terms of $B$.
(eq. (12) of \cite{ak}, in original notation)
\begin{align}
\nonumber \frac{1}{r}= &\frac{1}{B}\sin(\phi)+\frac{r_g}{4B^2}(3+\cos(2\phi))\\
&+\frac{r_g^2}{64B^3}(37\sin(\phi)+30(\pi-2\phi)\cos(\phi)-3\sin(3\phi)). \label{ak:12}
\end{align}
Here, $r_g=2m$. This solution assumes the particular orientation $\phi=\frac{\pi}{2}$ at minimum $r$, and it is correct to second order in $m$. The authors note that $\Lambda$ contributes to the trajectory, \eqref{ak:12}, as well as the orbital equation by virtue of the relationship between $B$ and $b$, \eqref{tp2e2}. This argument is, unfortunately, used in a few papers on the topic, in particular \cite{bbs}, and we've already discussed the problems it carries. For instance, even if $B$ was replaced in \eqref{ak:12} with $b$ and $\Lambda$, one could solve for $b$ by plugging any known point on the path into the relationship. Putting the resulting expression for $b$ back in \eqref{ak:12} will eliminate the appearance of $\Lambda$ in the equation completely. This is all due to the specific way in which $b$ and $\Lambda$ are 'connected', which was discussed in detail in section \ref{sec4}. Also, the authors stated that some previous approximate solutions, such as Rindler and Ishak's \eqref{ri1sol}, are incorrect, since they leave residual terms of second order in $m$ when put into the governing equation. This criticism cannot be justified, since Rindler and Ishak's solution, \eqref{ri1sol}, carries only first order terms in $m$ and it is an approximation that is correct only to this order, as clearly stated.
The authors proceed by writing an expression for their deflection angle, $\alpha$, in terms of $B$:
(eq. (13) of \cite{ak}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\alpha=2\frac{r_g}{B}+\frac{15\pi}{16}\left( \frac{r_g}{B}\right) ^2. \label{ak:13}
\end{equation}
This expression is obtained by taking the limit $r \rightarrow \infty$ in the solution, \eqref{ak:12}, with the assumption of small $\phi$. This angle corresponds to the bending angle, $\Phi$, we defined for SdS space in section \ref{sec4b}, and it is correct to second order in $m$. As discussed in that section, this quantity is purely mathematical and has nothing to do with actual measurements of angles, it appears on the flat diagram, such as Figure \ref{split1}, and serves as a measure of the bending of the path on the plane. Based on the form of the above relationship, the authors concluded that $\Lambda$ does not contribute to the deflection angle, since it is absorbed in $B$. This raises the question as to why do the authors draw their conclusions by considering $b$ more fundamental than $B$ in the orbital equation and its solution, while they stick to $B$ in making conclusions regarding the bending angle. In other words, the authors point out the appearance of $\Lambda$ when they use $b$, and the absence of $\Lambda$ when they use $B$. The choice of their preference of which parameter to use at which occasion is unclear, and in just the same way, opposite conclusions can be made by switching the use of these parameters. The choice of $B$ over $b$ in the solution by Rindler and Ishak, for example, led to the conclusion that $\Lambda$ has no influence on the orbit, as was also concluded by Islam and many others. (To first order in $m$, Rindler and Ishak's $R$ equals our $B$, see equation \eqref{bbs:bR}.) Next, in order to compare \eqref{ak:13} to previously derived results, including equation \eqref{bbs:15} of the previous section, the authors replaced $B$ with $b$, and expended the expression to lowest orders of $m$ and $\Lambda$.
(eq. (14) of \cite{ak}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\alpha \simeq \frac{4GM}{c^2 b}+\frac{2GMb\Lambda}{3c^2}. \label{ak:14}
\end{equation}
Here, $\frac{2GM}{c^2}=r_g=2m$. Although they point out some agreement that they find in their comparison, it is important to make a clear distinction between the method used to derive the above and the method used to derive \eqref{bbs:15}, for example. In deriving the above, no reference to any real measurements and any possible observers was made. The influence of $\Lambda$, therefore, comes only from the use of the parameter $b$. On the other hand, in deriving \eqref{bbs:15}, a truly measurable angle was considered ($\psi$), which brought in the contribution of $\Lambda$ through its influence on the geometry, introducing factors that cannot be transformed away. The reason for any similarities between the two equations is due to the use of $b$, and the appearance of $\Lambda$ that is carried with it, in both methods. Thus, one must be careful when interpreting and comparing such relationships. Overall, up to this point, the authors did not address real measurements at all, which is what sparked the whole debate on the influence of $\Lambda$. Two important points to take from this are that the choice of parameters affects the appearance of $\Lambda$ in results of interest (once again), and that the choice of parameters must be stated explicitly in order to avoid confusion and ambiguity when making final conclusions. It is also important to note that the particular way in which the bending angle, $\alpha$, was defined in \cite{ak} is exactly what Rindler and Ishak were trying to avoid in \cite{ri1} when extending the concept to light rays in SdS space, due to the conceptual problem with the limit $r \rightarrow \infty$. While Rindler and Ishak resorted to measurable angles, through which the contribution of $\Lambda$ was found, the authors of \cite{ak} showed that $\Lambda$ appears in results of interest only when using the parameter $b$. The authors then proceed with their investigation and also found that, in regards to the cosmological lens equation, the effect of $\Lambda$ is completely absorbed in an angular diameter distance; an issue to which the discussion of the next section applies, and which we address in full detail in \cite{ll}.
\subsection{M. Park, 2008}
In this part we summarize and respond to the paper published by M. Park in 2008, titled ``Rigorous approach to gravitational lensing", \cite{park}. The author of this paper takes a different approach to the topic at hand than the ones we've seen in the papers discussed above. Rather than concerning with the contribution of $\Lambda$ to quantities such as the bending angle, the author directly derived a cosmological lens equation that accounts for $\Lambda$ and the relative comoving motion between the observer, source and the massive object. Some of the results derived in \cite{ll} are central to our response to \cite{park}, which is the main reason for having them included in the appendix.
The author used an original method to analyze the standard setup of gravitational lensing by a single source. He ultimately derived the lens equation for a comoving observer in SdS space from first principles. The lens equation applies to a comoving observer in the sense that the measurable parameters that appear in the equation are measurable by this observer. Such an equation is useful in the cosmological context, where the objects involved are distant galaxies, for example. The author started his analysis from the McVittie metric, \cite{mv}, equation (1) in \cite{park}, and specialized it to SdS spacetime by setting all the cosmological parameters except $\Lambda$ to zero, resulting in a scale factor $a(t)=e^{Ht}$, with $H=\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}$. He then transformed to more convenient spatial coordinates, which later allow him to express angular diameter distances in an easy way. Using these coordinates he approximated the components of the metric to first order in $m$, and expressed it as follows:
(eq. (7) of \cite{park}, in original notation)
\begin{align}
\nonumber \mathrm{d}s^2 = &-\left( 1-\frac{m}{\sqrt{(x+e^{Ht}q)^2+y^2+z^2}}\right) \mathrm{d}t^2\\
&+\left( 1+\frac{m}{\sqrt{(x+e^{Ht}q)^2+y^2+z^2}}\right)(\mathrm{d}\overrightarrow{x}-H\overrightarrow{x}\mathrm{d}t)^2. \label{park:7}
\end{align}
His spatial coordinates, ($x,y,z$), are centred on a point away from the massive object. In these coordinates, the origin is a point which can describe the location of comoving observer at any time $t$. The massive object (lens) is positioned on the $x$-axis, without loss of generality, and moves away from the origin in accordance to Hubble flow. His parameter $q$ is just an arbitrary constant associated to his transformation. It can be set by knowing the relative locations of the observer (at the origin) and the lens at a given time. Note that his time-like coordinate $t$ is different to our $t$ in the Kottler metric, \eqref{tp1e1}. Far from the mass, the $t$ in \eqref{park:7} coincides with the proper time of a comoving observer, which is the FRW time coordinate in that limit. Also note that his $m$ is twice that of our $m$ in all preceding discussion; we will make it clear when using our notation or the notation of \cite{park}.
Working to first order in $m$ and confining the motion of the photon to the $x-y$ plane ($z=0$), the author formed a diagram describing the lensing setup, and found the trajectory of a light ray, satisfying the required boundary conditions. See Figure 1 in \cite{park}, which is similar to our Figure \ref{lensing} in the appendix. He proceeded to write an expression for the intersection angle $\theta$ at the origin, between the light ray coming from the source and the light ray coming from the lens, equation (26) in \cite{park}. Since this angle occurs at the origin on his diagram, by the construction of his spatial coordinates, it is equivalent to the measurable angle by an observer located at the origin, a comoving observer in the FRW sense. This allowed the author to establish the cosmological lens equation.
(eq. (29) of \cite{park}, in original notation)
\begin{align}
\nonumber \theta= &\beta+\frac{2m}{\beta d_S d_L} \{ x_S-d_L+Hd_L(x_S-d_L)\\
&+H^2d_L^2(x_S-d_L)+O(H^3)+O(\beta^2)\} +O(m^2). \label{park:29}
\end{align}
In this equation, the distance-like parameters $d_L$ and $d_S(=x_S+O(\beta^2))$ are angular diameter distances, measured by the observer at the origin. They precisely correspond to the coordinate distances used in the derivation, which explains the author's choice of transformation. Hence, the author does account for measurements by virtue of choosing his coordinates such that some Euclidean angles and coordinate distances that appear on the diagram are equivalent to some important measurable angles and distances that are needed to express final results. Note that this method of incorporating measurable quantities into the analysis can only work for a comoving observer, in a region far from the mass where its effects are completely negligible. The angle $\beta$ in the above equation is the undeflected position angle that the observer would measure in the absence of the mass.
Let us put equation \eqref{park:29} in the notation of the appendix by transforming the parameters accordingly.
\begin{equation*}
\theta \rightarrow \theta_M, \qquad \beta \rightarrow \frac{y}{D_S},
\end{equation*}
\begin{equation*}
m_{(Park)} \rightarrow 2m, \qquad H \rightarrow \sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}},
\end{equation*}
\begin{equation*}
d_S \rightarrow D_S, \qquad d_L \rightarrow D_L,
\end{equation*}
\begin{equation*}
x_S=d_S+O(\theta^2) \rightarrow D_S+O(\theta_M^2).
\end{equation*}
To first order in $m$ and $\theta_M$, equation \eqref{park:29} written in our notation is:
\begin{align}
\nonumber \theta_M &=\frac{y}{D_S}\\
&+\frac{4m}{y D_L}(D_S-D_L)\left( 1+\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}D_L+\frac{\Lambda}{3}D_L^2+O(\Lambda^\frac{3}{2})\right). \label{park:1}
\end{align}
This equation can be solved for $y$ and compared to the relationships stated in the appendix. Again, to first order in $m$ and $\theta_M$, we find
\begin{align}
\nonumber y &=D_S \theta_M\\
&-\frac{4m(D_S-D_L)}{\theta_M D_L}\left( 1+\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}D_L+\frac{\Lambda}{3}D_L^2+O(\Lambda^\frac{3}{2})\right). \label{park:2}
\end{align}
The above is the cosmological gravitational lens equation, expressed entirely in terms of directly measurable parameters; it assumes the measurements are taken by a comoving observer. This equation is in perfect agreement with our equation \eqref{app:comoa}, which is an approximation of equation \eqref{app:como}, obtained by series expansion in $\Lambda$. This leads us to conclude that Park's result is correct to the highest order of his approximation. It is worth noting that our approach in deriving \eqref{app:como} in \cite{ll} is significantly different than the method used by Park to derive \eqref{park:29}. It is reassuring to see completely diverse procedures lead to identical final result.
However, following the establishment of equation \eqref{park:29}, the author set to replace some appearances of the distances $x_S$ and $d_L$ in the equation with the distance $d_{SL}$ (in his notation). $d_{SL}$ is the angular diameter distance from the source to the lens, it corresponds exactly to our $R_{SL}$ in the appendix; in principle it could be measured directly by an observer at the source or at the location of the lens. Hence, $d_{SL}$ is a measurable quantity, but the observer that can measure it must be located away from the assumed point of observation. Thus, if all observations are assumed to be taken at a single point, as in the cosmological context, then the angular diameter distance $d_{SL}$ must be determined indirectly, from other measurements.
In order to include $d_{SL}$ in \eqref{park:29}, the author used the relationship given by his equation (30) in \cite{park}, which is equivalent to our equation \eqref{app:dls} in the appendix. His final result is
(eq. (31) of \cite{park}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\theta= \beta+\frac{2md_{SL}}{\beta d_S d_L}(1+O(H^3)+O(\beta^2)) +O(m^2), \label{park:31}
\end{equation}
which in our notation, to first order in $m$ and $\theta_M$, is
\begin{equation}
\theta_M=\frac{y}{D_S}+\frac{4mR_{SL}}{y D_L}\left( 1+O(\Lambda^\frac{3}{2})\right). \label{park:5}
\end{equation}
Solving the above for $y$, we find, to first order in $m$ and $\theta_M$,
\begin{equation}
y=D_S \theta_M-\frac{4mR_{SL}}{\theta_M D_L}\left( 1+O(\Lambda^\frac{3}{2})\right). \label{park:6}
\end{equation}
Again, the above equation is in perfect agreement with our results, which can be seen by using equation (A.13) to include $R_{SL}$ in our cosmological lens equation \eqref{app:como}. In fact, since our results are exact in $\Lambda$, we see that if Park were to work with any higher order terms of $\Lambda$, he would have found that all these terms would be zero in his approximation as well. Notice how $\Lambda$ gets thoroughly absorbed into the angular diameter distance $R_{SL}$. Thus, only when expressing the lens equation entirely in terms of the angular diameter distances $D_S$ and $D_L$ does $\Lambda$ make an appearance; an appearance that can be completely transformed away by using the angular diameter distance $R_{SL}$. Clearly, given the relationship between $R_{SL}$, $D_S$ and $D_L$ (equation (A.13)), using only two of the three parameters is enough to express any result of interest. This raises the following question: which parameters should be used in expressing the cosmological lens equation? Or more specifically: should the parameter $R_{SL}$ be used at all? Of the three parameters $D_S$, $D_L$ and $R_{SL}$, only $D_S$ and $D_L$ are directly measurable at the assumed point of observation. And although $R_{SL}$ can be found indirectly from other measurements that can be made at the point of observation, the value of $R_{SL}$ can be established only with knowledge of $\Lambda$ (as in equation (A.13), for example). With this in mind, we can address the above question by considering two possible cases in which the lens equation may be used.
First, in a case where all the parameters of interest, such as the three $D_S$, $D_L$ and $R_{SL}$, are available from some tabulated data or another source, one can use the lens equation in either form, with or without $R_{SL}$. In this case using $R_{SL}$ in the cosmological lens equation is preferable, since it simplifies the expression. This will allow the predictions of images and masses by means of the lens equation, but will not allow studying the effects of $\Lambda$ on measurable quantities directly, which are completely absorbed in $R_{SL}$. Then, although $\Lambda$ will not appear in the lens equation, if it is to be accounted for, its value must still be used at some point to establish the tabulated data, specifically the value of $R_{SL}$. Thus, we see that the lack of appearance of $\Lambda$ in a relationship does not necessary imply its lack of influence on the phenomenon being studied.
Second, in a case where no pre-recorded parameters are available, it is clearly advantageous to use parameters that are measurable directly in the cosmological lens equation. Therefore, in this case, equation \eqref{app:como} (or \eqref{park:2}) is preferable, in which $\Lambda$ appears explicitly and its influence on measurable quantities can be studied directly. In short, we see that $\Lambda$ has an effect on the cosmological lens equation in any case, and needs to be accounted for directly or indirectly. This should be kept in mind when choosing parameters in the expression of the cosmological lens equation and making any conclusions. Then, using or not using the angular diameter distance $R_{SL}$ in the final expression is really a matter of preference in a given situation.
Further, following his equation (31) in \cite{park}, the author states that ``[his] result is in contradiction to the recent claims by \cite{ri1} which assert that there should be a $O(\Lambda)$ correction to the conventional lensing analysis". This statement is somewhat inequitable, since in \cite{ri1} Rindler and Ishak never concern with the gravitational lens equation directly, and consider a setup that is quite different, for which they produce results applicable only to a static observer. Later in his discussion, the author explains that the disagreement between his and Rindler and Ishak's results may be due to the following two problems:
\begin{enumerate}
\item The setup in \cite{ri1} is not realistic, since they consider a static observer and neglect the relative comoving motion between the observer, source and lens.
\item The relationships in \cite{ri1} are not expressed in terms of angular diameter distances, which is necessary for comparison with conventional results.
\end{enumerate}
He then explained that in their follow-up paper \cite{ridma}, they failed to address these problems properly, and suggested that it is possible to modify their existing results for an appropriate comparison. He pointed out that using relativistic aberration to modify their results can help resolve the first problem, but converting parameters to angular diameter distances could be tricky, which, as he explains, makes his approach favourable. In a paper published by Ishak et. al. in 2010, \cite{rid}, the authors argued that the apparent disagreement between the conclusions of \cite{ri1} and those of Park can be due to the fact that Park dropped terms of order $\beta^2$ from his final result, equation \eqref{park:31}, which carry terms of $\Lambda$. However, to properly compare the results of \cite{ri1} and \cite{park} we have used the method in \cite{ri1} to derive a lens equation subject to the same conditions as in \cite{park}, and found perfect agreement. More on it bellow, recall the end of section \ref{sec6a}.
Much of the analysis of \cite{ll} involves finding relationships between measurable and coordinate-like distances. We found that the methods presented in \cite{ri1} allow for converting a coordinate distance to the angular diameter distance measured by a static observer. This finding allowed for the derivation outlined at the end of section \ref{sec6a}. Equation \eqref{ri:lcom} is a cosmological lens equation, which we derived through Rindler and Ishak's methods and the standard aberration equation. It accounts for the effects of $\Lambda$ on the geometry and the relative comoving motion, induced by $\Lambda$, between the observer, source and lens. The distance-like and angular quantities on the right side of equation \eqref{ri:lcom}, as well as on the right side of equation \eqref{park:2}, are all measurable by a comoving observer. Since equation \eqref{ri:lcom} agrees with our \eqref{app:como}, which agrees with equation \eqref{park:2}, we find perfect agreement between Park's result and the one we've obtained through Rindler and Ishak's methods. Although the two methods are quite different, when done correctly they produce identical results. Finally, let us re-emphasize that it should not be concluded from Park's results that the influence of $\Lambda$ on the cosmological lens equation is of $O(\Lambda^\frac{3}{2})$ or higher. In fact, what Park found, as we did as well, is that there is a term of $\Lambda^\frac{1}{2}$ in the lens equation, when considering a comoving observer. This is an important fact when comparing it to the lens equation for a static observer, for which we found through our methods, as well as Rindler and Ishak's methods, that the lowest order $\Lambda$ term that appears is $\Lambda^1$. Hence, given the investigations of our previous sections we were able to make a clear comparison between the results and conclusions in \cite{ri1} and \cite{park}.
\subsection{I. B. Khriplovich and A. A. Pomeransky, 2008}
In this part we summarize and respond to the paper published by I. B. Khriplovich and A. A. Pomeransky in 2008, titled ``Does the cosmological term influence gravitational lensing?", \cite{kp}. The results of this paper are often referred to in arguments against the conclusions of \cite{ri1}. The authors of this paper used both the Kottler metric and the FRW metric, equation (8) in \cite{kp}, to investigate the appearance of $\Lambda$ in a given expression of interest. Far away from the mass, the Kottler metric is well approximated by the de Sitter metric, which is equivalent to the FRW metric with a scale factor $a(t)=e^{Ht}$ ($H=\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}$). By arriving at specific relationships through both the use of de Sitter coordinates and FRW coordinates separately, the authors compared the contribution of $\Lambda$ in the two different cases, and made conclusions based on this comparison.
The authors begun their analysis by considering the invariant $g^{\mu \nu}k_{1\mu}k_{2\nu}$, where $k_1$ and $k_2$ are tangents of two intersecting null geodesics. They designate the positive root of this invariant by $I$. In a local frame of some observer, it is trivial to show that for a small intersection angle between the light rays the invariant $I$ can be expressed (up to a factor of $2$) as
(eq. (1) of \cite{kp}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
I=\omega \theta. \label{kp:1}
\end{equation}
Here, $\omega$ and $\theta$ are the energy of the photons and the intersection angle between them, respectively, that the observer measures. This equation can be easily obtained from the first order in angle approximation of our equation \eqref{79}, keeping in mind equation \eqref{energy}, and its true for any observer as long as $\theta$ is small. It is assumed here that the two intersecting photons are of the same energy. Note that the quantities appearing on the right hand side of the above equation are directly measurable, and their values are observer dependent, while the quantity on the left hand side of the equation is a constant for the particular intersecting trajectories. For different observers, the measurements of $\theta$ and $\omega$ shift accordingly, so that their product always remains the same.
The authors first considered the standard setup of gravitational lensing in Kottler coordinates. See Figure 1 in \cite{kp}, which is similar to our Figure \ref{lensing} in the appendix. After approximating the solution to the orbital equation of light, far away from the mass, the authors express the measurable intersection angle, $\theta$, between the bending trajectory and a purely radial trajectory, in these coordinates:
(eq. (6) of \cite{kp}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
\theta=\frac{d\phi \sqrt{|g_{\theta \theta}|}}{dR \sqrt{|g_{RR}|}}=\frac{\rho}{R\sqrt{|g_{RR}|}}=\theta_0\sqrt{1-\lambda^2 R^2}. \label{kp:6}
\end{equation}
Here $\theta_0$ is the Euclidean intersection angle appearing on their diagram, their $\lambda$, $R$ and $\rho$ are equal to our $\sqrt{\frac{\Lambda}{3}}$, $r$ and $r_0$ of the previous sections, respectively. Note that the subscripts of the metric component $g_{\theta \theta}$ in the above equation as well as in Figure 1 of \cite{kp} are most likely a mistype, this component should be $g_{\phi \phi}$. We immediately recognize that the above relationship refers to a static observer in Kottler (or de Sitter) coordinates. This relationship is in perfect agreement with Rindler and Ishak's main result of \cite{ri1}, equation \eqref{ritan}, and of course with our results of section \ref{sec5}. This equation is the most basic example of a relationship between a measurable angle and a Euclidean angle that appears on a flat plane, on which a diagram of the setup is drawn. Notice that the solution to the orbital equation is not necessary to form this particular relationship. It is also important to note that the main reason for this agreement between the results is due to the fact that the same static observer is involved in both approaches, which is unfortunately not specifically stated in neither \cite{ri1} nor \cite{kp}. With the above expression for $\theta$, the authors proceeded to express the invariant $I$ as follows:
(eq. (7) of \cite{kp}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
I=\omega_{dS}\theta_0\sqrt{1-\lambda^2 R^2}. \label{kp:7}
\end{equation}
Here, the subscript of $\omega_{dS}$ refers to the fact that the analysis is carried out with de Sitter coordinates. It should be clear that given the fact that it is the static observer that is involved in the angle measurement, $\omega_{dS}$ is the energy that is measured by a static observer as well. Evidently, Kottler (or de Sitter) coordinates were employed in this paper merely in order to form relationships for a static observer in SdS space; to form the same relationships for a different observer the authors employed other coordinates, as we discuss below. It is not perfectly clear as to why the authors chose to use the Euclidean angle $\theta_0$ in the expression for $I$ above, and what purpose this expression serves. Since the energy $\omega$ has no obvious non-measurable counterpart, it is only $\theta$ that can be switched around with its Euclidean counterpart, $\theta_0$, in the expression for $I$. As should be abundantly clear by now, a relationship between such measurable and Euclidean angles should always involve $\Lambda$ when working in Kottler (or de Sitter) coordinates. Thus, when a given expression involves one of the angles $\theta$ or $\theta_0$, but does not involve $\Lambda$, by replacing the angle involved with its counterpart $\Lambda$ is forced into the expression. The reason for choosing one angle over the other as a parameter in a given expression should always be clarified before drawing any conclusion from the expression. It is often advantageous to express some relationship with purely measurable parameters or, conversely, with purely Euclidean (or coordinate-like) parameters. The expression for $I$ above mixes measurable and Euclidean parameters with no satisfactory reason.
Next, the authors proceeded their investigation by employing FRW coordinates to produce an expression for the invariant $I$ with reference to a comoving observer. Far away from the mass, the Kottler metric is well approximated by the de Sitter metric, which is equivalent to the FRW metric with the scale factor $a(t)=e^{\lambda t}$ (in the notation of \cite{kp}). See equations (8) and (9) in \cite{kp}. In that region of space, a comoving observer is simply an observer with constant FRW spatial coordinates, and it is in this way, as recognized by the authors of \cite{kp}, it is easy to produce results for this observer by using the FRW metric. Through the use of this metric the authors find:
(eq. (16) of \cite{kp}, in original notation)
\begin{equation}
I=\omega_{FRW}\frac{\rho}{r_0}. \label{kp:16}
\end{equation}
Here, the subscript of $\omega_{FRW}$ refers to the fact that the analysis is carried out with FRW coordinates. The authors argue that these coordinates are the most appropriate for the description of observations, but given the tools of our section \ref{sec5}, we recognize that these coordinates are simply convenient to use when dealing with comoving observers. Identical results can be obtained with any equivalent metric as long as the observer is the same, and its 4-velocity is transformed appropriately and accounted for in the derivation. The parameter $r_0$ in the above equation is not the same $r_0$ that was used in the previous sections. This $r_0$ is the constant FRW coordinate distance between the comoving observer and the lens, while the distance of closest approach to the lens, with reference to areal radius coordinate, is represented by $\rho$. (In the FRW sense, $\rho$ is the 'distance', which is the coordinate separation multiplied by the scale factor, at the time of closest approach of the photon to the lens.) The proper interpretation of $\rho$ in this context deserves further attention, but we shall not digress into it here. Since $\omega_{FRW}$ is the measurable energy by a comoving observer, the quantity $\frac{\rho}{r_0}$ in \eqref{kp:16} equals the intersection angle that is measurable by this observer as well. As before, the choice of parameters in the above expression for $I$ as well as its purpose are not perfectly clear, and we see a mix between measurable and non-measurable quantities. Note that to arrive at the above equation one simply needs to express the measurable intersection angle, $\theta$, appearing in \eqref{kp:1} as $\frac{\rho}{r_0}$, which can be easily done by drawing the diagram of the lensing setup with reference to FRW coordinates. In fact, the solution to the orbital equation is not needed to find the required expression. And finally, although $\Lambda$ does not explicitly appear in the above expression for $I$, it does not tell us anything about its influence on measurements of angles or about its possible appearance in other relationships of interest. This absence of $\Lambda$ in the above expression, in contrast to its appearance in equation \eqref{kp:7}, seems to be wrongfully interpreted throughout the literature.
It is clear that with our general formula for the measurable angle, equation \eqref{79}, we can easily produce results by using any coordinates for any observer. It saves the trouble of transforming to a specific coordinate system merely to consider the measurement of a specific observer, as was done by the authors of \cite{kp} and \cite{park}, for example. Although the authors of \cite{kp} did consider measurements by both static and comoving observers, neither the bending angle in SdS space nor the lens equation were specifically addressed. And while they also touched up on the actual trajectory of light, see equations (3-5) and (18) in \cite{kp}, which led them to define the parameter $\rho$, they did not really need these relationships to establish their ultimate results, equations \eqref{kp:7} and \eqref{kp:16}. The quantities $\theta$ and $\omega$ in \eqref{kp:1} are directly measurable and local, and as long as the intersection angle at the point of observation is small, the rest of the trajectories does not matter. Clearly, it also does not matter what metric one chooses to work with if the metrics are equivalent. The authors of \cite{kp} decided to use the FRW metric, far away from the mass, merely to consider measurements made by a comoving observer. In this sense, in the cosmological context, these coordinates are the ones that are more appropriate to describe measurements, as they claim. However, let us re-emphasize that from the results of \cite{kp} it cannot be concluded that $\Lambda$ has no effect on gravitational lensing; more specifically, it is incorrect to reason that the results of \cite{kp} imply the non-contribution of $\Lambda$ to the cosmological lens equation.
\section{Discussion}
In a universe with a cosmological constant, the space outside a spherically symmetric non-rotating mass is well described by the Kottler metric. With the recent increasing interest in the cosmological constant, SdS spacetime became a popular background for investigating the various effects of gravity. A natural way to study the effects of $\Lambda$ is to revisit the classical tests of general relativity. One of the most popular predicted phenomena associated with such tests is the deflection of light by a massive object. It was a long time ago that the question of whether or not $\Lambda$ plays a roll in this phenomenon has been asked, but unfortunately until this day this topic seems to be suffering from misconceptions and disagreements. We see that the answer to the above question is not simply in the positive or negative, but is very sensitive to the particular situation that is being considered. In the course of the ongoing investigation it became clear that in order to properly address the above question one must consider both the geometry of the underlying space and the act of observation by a given observer, on top of the orbital equation for a light ray and its solution. It is mainly due to the work of Islam, \cite{islam}, that it was generally agreed upon that $\Lambda$ has no affect on the orbit of a light ray, as acknowledged by Rindler and Ishak in \cite{ri1}. And it is due to the findings of Rindler and Ishak in \cite{ri1} that it was realized by many that real measurements must be considered as well in investigating the contribution of $\Lambda$. Given that the previous investigations and conclusions by Islam in \cite{islam} and Rindler and Ishak in \cite{ri1} are correct, what we have done in the present work is address the following question: in what way do results and expressions of interest depend on which observer is making the measurement? In other words, since according to Islam the path of light is not affected by $\Lambda$, and according to Rindler and Ishak the measurement of an angle is affected by $\Lambda$, the circumstances naturally leads to the question above. Investigating this question in detail led us to the results of section \ref{sec5}, the most important of which are not found in the literature and are fundamental to the topic at hand.
We have begun our investigation from fundamental considerations, and revisited the original issue of whether or not $\Lambda$ affects the path of a light ray itself in section \ref{sec3}. It was found that the dependence of a path on $\Lambda$ was entirely involved in the boundary conditions that are being used in a given situation. Evidently, whether or not $\Lambda$ enters the orbital differential equation does not matter, due to the particular way in which its appearance can be entirely absorbed into a new parameter. Specifically, even if the orbital equation is written in terms of a parameter (such as $b$) that brings in a term of $\Lambda$ with it, this term of $\Lambda$ will vanish from the solution completely when certain boundary conditions are enforced. Such boundary conditions are purely Euclidean, or rather coordinate related, which are the most popular in the literature and most appropriate in common situations; for such boundary conditions varying the value of $\Lambda$ would not affect the set of points through which the light passes. For this reason, we recognized that it is acceptable to conclude, but with caution, that $\Lambda$ does not affect the path of light and best not be used in the orbital equation. However, it is also important to understand that when considering directly measurable quantities as boundary conditions, $\Lambda$ usually enters the equation describing the path. In addition, of course, in situations where the boundary conditions themselves depend on $\Lambda$ directly, $\Lambda$ will also appear in the equation describing the path. An important lesson here is that the contribution of $\Lambda$ to results of interest depends closely on the situation being analyzed, and any general conclusions should be drawn carefully. Our investigations illuminate many possible sources of confusion and misinterpretation regarding this issue, which unfortunately seem to have had a great affect on recent literature.
Let us re-emphasise that perhaps the most important result of this work is equation \eqref{79}. It opens up a way to a more general analysis and is essential to properly investigate the effects of $\Lambda$ on measurable angles. In addition, it allows for an elegant approach to many situations when analyzing gravitational lensing, and yields an invariant general relativistic aberration equation. It is interesting to note that in some recent papers, such as \cite{park} and \cite{kp}, the authors used a transformation of coordinates in order to be able to find a measurable angle by a given observer. It seems that trying to express a measurable angle by an arbitrary observer in an analytic, and coordinate independent, way is generally avoided in the literature. Often, the coordinate transformations that make it easy to express a given measurable angle abandon the use of spherical symmetry and complicate the overall analysis considerably, see \cite{park}. This undesirable consequence and other complications that a coordinate transformation may bring can be easily avoided by working with the general formula \eqref{79}; it can be put to use in any coordinate system and produce results related to any observer of interest. More on this in \cite{ll}, where we demonstrate the latter point in the context of weak gravitational lensing, and compare results obtained by means of equation \eqref{79} to results obtained by means of a coordinate transformation (as was done in \cite{park}, for example).
In addition to the papers discussed in section \ref{sec6}, there are other papers on the topic that are worth looking at, including \cite{schucker1}, \cite{kcd}, \cite{simpson}, \cite{bp}, \cite{mirag}, \cite{lake2} and some references therein. Although our responses to some of these papers are not included in the present report, the material we presented here is useful in understanding and interpreting their results, and it is of fundamental importance for making proper comparison of the different conclusions the authors arrive to. It is also worth mentioning that when studying the effects of $\Lambda$, approximations on $\Lambda$ should be avoided or made with care. Due to the sensitive way in which $\Lambda$ vanishes from exact results, within a given approximation $\Lambda$ may end up appearing in relationships where it does not belong. And although such an approximation might be justified, due to the smallness of $\Lambda$ or some other parameter, and may be numerically accurate, this appearance of $\Lambda$ in resulting relationships may be theoretically misleading; see \cite{sereno1} and our section \ref{sec6b}.
Finally, we hope that the material presented in this work will provide a proper perspective when addressing questions regarding the influence of $\Lambda$, and that it will aide in gaining a clear understanding of, and ultimately settling, the recent debate on the topic.
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
}
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Q: Degree of differential equation $\sqrt{1+\frac{d^2y}{dx^2}}=x+\frac{dy}{dx}$
Degree of the differential equation $\sqrt{1+\frac{d^2y}{dx^2}}=x+\frac{dy}{dx}$
Degree of the differential equation $\sqrt{1+\frac{d^2y}{dx^2}}=x+\frac{dy}{dx}$ is said to be "not defined" in my reference.
Doubt 1
What if I do:
$$
\color{blue}{\sqrt{1+\frac{d^2y}{dx^2}}=x+\frac{dy}{dx}}\implies 1+\frac{d^2y}{dx^2}=\bigg[x+\frac{dy}{dx}\bigg]^2
$$
Now can I say the degree is $1$. If not, is it because squaring both sides add more information into the equation that both the differential equations are not exactly the same ?
Doubt 2
Thanx @farruhota for the link: How to find degree of a differential equation or check page 4 of ordinary differential equations by E. L. Ince
If I'm allowed to square both sides and say that the degree is $1$, as in the link, can I also square again and say the degree is $2$ right ?
A: The order is the greatest $n$ for which an $n$th derivative is present, while the degree is the highest power of such maximal-order derivatives, after the equation is written in rational form with all exponents integers. The equation $1+y''=x^2+2xy'+y'^2$ has order $2$, degree $1$.
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
}
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Les Frères Mégri (, ) was a Moroccan rock band formed in Oujda, Morocco. The band consisted of four members, the three brothers, Hassan, Mahmoud and Younès Mégri, and their sister Jalila Mégri. Before the creation of the band, the four Megri brothers were popular session musicians, composers and producers from Morocco.
In the early seventies, after they signed a recording contract with Philips Records of France, Hassan and Mahmoud released four singles as Les Frères Mégri. "El Harib/Heya Essamra", "Galouli Ensaha/Kellemtini", "Sebar / Ououd Ou Chouk" in 1971 and "Sabar / Chaaltiha Nar" in 1972. The band gained wide recognition in Morocco, the Arab World and Europe. Later, Les Frères Mégri released two albums in 1974, the first album "Younes et Mahmoud" () was a collaboration between Younès and Mahmoud. The second album, released in the same year, "Younes Hassan Mahmoud" () was a collaboration between all three brothers. In 2004, Hassan and Jalila released an album "Hassan & Jalila" () as Les Mégri.
Discography
Albums
1974: Younes et Mahmoud
1974: Younes Hassan Mahmoud
2004: Hassan & Jalila
Singles
El Harib / Heya Essamra (Released date unknown)
Galouli Ensaha / Kellemtini (Released date unknown)
1971: Sebar / Ououd Ou Chouk
1972: Sabar / Chaaltiha Nar
See also
Music of Morocco
References
Moroccan musical groups
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaWikipedia"
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import Ember from 'ember';
import DDLAdapter from './ddl';
export default DDLAdapter.extend({
buildURL(modelName, id, snapshot, requestType, query) {
// Check if the query is to find all tables for a particular database
if (Ember.isEmpty(id) && (requestType === 'query' || requestType === 'queryRecord')) {
let dbId = query.databaseId;
let tableName = query.tableName;
let origFindAllUrl = this._super(...arguments);
let prefix = origFindAllUrl.substr(0, origFindAllUrl.lastIndexOf("/"));
delete query.databaseId;
delete query.tableName;
if (Ember.isEmpty(tableName)) {
return `${prefix}/databases/${dbId}/tables`;
} else {
return `${prefix}/databases/${dbId}/tables/${tableName}`;
}
}
return this._super(...arguments);
},
createTable(tableMetaInfo) {
let postURL = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', { databaseId: tableMetaInfo.database });
return this.ajax(postURL, 'POST', { data: { tableInfo: tableMetaInfo } });
},
editTable(tableMetaInfo) {
let postURL = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query',
{ databaseId: tableMetaInfo.database, tableName: tableMetaInfo.table });
return this.ajax(postURL, 'PUT', { data: { tableInfo: tableMetaInfo } });
},
deleteTable(database, tableName) {
let deletURL = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', { databaseId: database, tableName: tableName });
return this.ajax(deletURL, 'DELETE');
},
renameTable(database, newTableName, oldTableName) {
let renameUrl = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', { databaseId: database, tableName: oldTableName }) + '/rename';
let data = {
newDatabase: database,
newTable: newTableName
};
return this.ajax(renameUrl, 'PUT', {data: data});
},
analyseTable(databaseName, tableName, withColumns = false) {
let analyseUrl = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', { databaseId: databaseName, tableName: tableName }) +
'/analyze' +
(withColumns ? '?analyze_columns=true' : '');
return this.ajax(analyseUrl, 'PUT');
},
generateColumnStats(databaseName, tableName, columnName) {
let url = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', {databaseId: databaseName, tableName: tableName}) + `/column/${columnName}/stats`;
return this.ajax(url, 'GET');
},
fetchColumnStats(databaseName, tableName, columnName, jobId) {
let url = this.buildURL('table', null, null, 'query', {databaseId: databaseName, tableName: tableName}) + `/column/${columnName}/fetch_stats?job_id=${jobId}`;
return this.ajax(url, 'GET');
}
});
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
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\section{Introduction}
\label{intro}
Massive stars play an important role in astrophysics. Indeed, they are the main
producers of heavy elements, dominate the chemical evolution of galaxies, and
end their lives in supernovae. Although intermediate mass stars do not explode
in supernovae, they present many of the same phenomena as massive stars, and
furthermore can have very rich pulsation spectra. Therefore, understanding the
structure and evolution of these stars, in particular their chemical evolution
and internal transport processes, is crucial. Unlike their less massive
counterparts, these stars hardly have any surface convection (apart from
possibly a thin near-surface convective layer). Consequently, they are not spun
down and tend to be rapid rotators (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Royer2009}). Hence, in order to
understand these these stars, one needs to understand the impact of rapid
rotation on stellar structure, chemical evolution, and pulsations.
\section{Impact of rotation on stellar structure and evolution}
Rapid stellar rotation has both immediate effects on stellar structure
as well as long range effects on stellar evolution.
\subsection{Structural changes}
One of the first and most obvious effects of rapid rotation is stellar
deformation. Indeed, the centrifugal force causes the equator to bulge, as
confirmed by recent interferometric observations (\textit{e.g.}\
\cite{DomicianoDeSouza2003}, \cite{Kervella2006}, \cite{DomicianoDeSouza2012}).
This effect is important because it means these stars can no longer be modelled
using a 1D approach but require a 2D approach.
A second effect, which also has immediate consequences, is gravity darkening.
Indeed, in rapidly rotating stars, the equator is less luminous than the poles,
due to a smaller vertical temperature gradient. This effect has also been
observed through interferometry (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Peterson2006}, \cite{Monnier2007},
\cite{Che2011}) and is important because it causes the position of these stars
in an HR diagram to depend on their inclination (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Suarez2002},
\cite{Salmon2014}).
Various approaches have been used to model this effect, the first being von
Zeipel's law \cite{vonZeipel1924}. This approach corresponds to the simple
power law $T_{\mathrm{eff}} \propto g_{\mathrm{eff}}^{\beta}$, where $\beta = 0.25$. The value
$\beta=0.8$ has also been proposed for stars with a convective envelope
\cite{Lucy1967}. More recently, Espinosa Lara and Rieutord came up with a new
law which is based on two assumptions: first, that the luminous flux is parallel
to the effective gravity, and second that the divergence of the luminous flux is
zero (which corresponds to assuming no production of energy in the envelope).
This leads to an analytical solution which does not depend on any free
parameters, and which compares very favourably with full 2D numerical
simulations from the ESTER code \cite{EspinosaLara2011}.
\subsection{Baroclinic effects}
As opposed to their non-rotating counterparts, rapidly rotating stars have a
baroclinic structure. In other words, lines of constant pressure, temperature,
and density no longer coincide. This produces differential rotation which in
turn leads to meridional circulation due to viscosity \cite{Rieutord2005}.
Currently, only the ESTER code is able to self-consistently calculate such flows
in realistic 2D stellar models (\cite{Rieutord2009}, \cite{EspinosaLara2013}).
As a result of various instabilities, baroclinic flows will then cause
turbulence and enhance transport processes, which modify the stellar lifetime
and chemical yields (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Meynet2000}). Predictions from 1D stellar
evolution codes including a shellular rotation profile based on \cite{Zahn1992}
are in better agreement with various observations, such as the chemical
enrichment of OBA stars, the number ratio of red to blue supergiants etc. (see
\cite{Meynet2005} and references therein). Recent observations of N enrichment
in O and B stars (\cite{Hunter2008}, \cite{Brott2011b}) have, however, shown
discrepancies with theoretical expectations. Indeed, there is a lack of
correlation between N enrichment and equatorial velocity, whereas rotational
mixing is needed in theoretical models to produce N enrichment. It is not clear
what could cause this, although various solutions have been proposed, such as
transport of chemical species by waves \cite{Aerts2014}.
\subsection{Impact on convection zones}
Rapid rotation also affects convection zones. For instance,
\cite{EspinosaLara2007} produced a rapidly rotating model with a convectively
unstable equatorial belt. A year later, \cite{Maeder2008}, using a 1D
formalism, found that rotation favours convection in stellar envelopes,
especially at the equator. Nonetheless, it remains an open question as to what
prescription for convection should be used in a 2D rapidly rotating model, and
is currently the main reason why the ESTER code is unable to model low mass
stars. However, ongoing work by \cite{Wang} may provide an answer to this
question. Indeed, they are developing a new convection code based on
unstructured meshes, capable of handling centrifugal deformation. Initial
comparisons with benchmarks from the ASH code show promising results.
\subsection{Summary}
In summary, rotation causes many new phenomena which affect stellar structure,
transport processes, mixing, and evolution. Although much progress has been
made in our theoretical modelling of these processes, there remains large
uncertainties due to their complexity and to discrepancies with current
observations. As a result, it is necessary to constrain these processes through
further observations, and asteroseismology is currently the best way of doing
this as it is the only way we have to probe the internal structure of stars.
However, before being able to carry out asteroseismology, one needs to be able
to model the effects of rapid rotation on stellar pulsations, which, as will be
described in the next section, is by no means trivial.
\section{Impact of rotation on stellar pulsations}
In the non-rotating case and in the absence of phenomena which break spherical
symmetry, such as magnetic fields, stellar pulsation modes with the same radial
order, $n$, and harmonic degree, and $\l$, but differing azimuthal orders, $m$,
have the same frequencies and are thus degenerate. However, it has been known
for many years that rotation lifts this degeneracy \cite{Ledoux1951}, in much
the same way that the Zeeman effect splits absorption lines. The first order
effect of rotation can be split into two terms. The first is simply an
advection term which leads to a sort of Doppler shift of the frequencies on
non-axisymmetric modes. The second comes from the effects of the Coriolis force
and is characterised by the Ledoux constant. Inversions of solar or stellar
rotation profiles rely on this first order approximation (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Schou1998},
\cite{Deheuvels2012}, \cite{Kurtz2014}). At more rapid rotation rates, one
needs to include higher order effects of rotation (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Saio1981},
\cite{Soufi1998}), and ultimately apply a 2D approach (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Reese2006},
\cite{Ballot2010}). In what follows, we will describe the effects of rapid
rotation on stellar pulsations, as based on the latest 2D numerical simulations.
\subsection{Gravito-inertial modes}
At the lower end of the frequency spectrum in non-rotating stars, there are
gravity (or g-) modes for which the restoring force is buoyancy. When the star
is rotating, buoyancy combines with the Coriolis force, thereby leading to
gravito-inertial modes. The type of stars which display gravito-inertial modes
are $\gamma$ Dor stars, SPBs, and Be stars. If the mode owes its existence to
the Coriolis force, then it is known as an inertial mode. An extensive
literature on inertial modes, and singular gravito-inertial modes exist (\textit{e.g.}\
\cite{Papaloizou1978}, \cite{Lee2006}, \cite{Rieutord2000}, \cite{Dintrans2000},
\cite{Mirouh}), but in what follows, we will focus on modes which become
classical g-modes in the non-rotating limit.
According to Tassoul's asymptotic formula \cite{Tassoul1980}, gravity modes in
non-rotating stars are evenly spaced in period, for a given $\l$ value. When
the star is rotating, the period spacing also depends on $m$ and on the ratio
$\eta=\frac{2\Omega}{\omega}$ which characterises the effects of the Coriolis
force on the pulsation mode, where $\Omega$ is the rotation rate and $\omega$
the pulsation frequency. Such a relation was first established using the
traditional approximation (\cite{Berthomieu1978}, \cite{Lee1987}) and has been
subsequently confirmed through full 2D calculations, although the centrifugal
deformation slightly affects some of the modes \cite{Ballot2012}.
In terms of mode geometry, it is extremely important to distinguish between
sub-inertial modes, for which $\omega < 2 \Omega$, and super-inertial modes,
where $\omega > 2 \Omega$. Indeed, in the sub-inertial regime, modes are
confined to an equatorial region thanks to critical surfaces, as described in
\cite{Dintrans1999} and \cite{Dintrans2000}. In the super-inertial regime,
gravito-inertial modes tend to behave like their non-rotating counterparts,
except for one notable exception -- rosette modes. Such modes where discovered
by \cite{Ballot2012} using a 2D numerical approach, and have subsequently been
studied in detail by \cite{Takata2013}, \cite{Saio2014}, \cite{Takata2014},
\cite{Takata} using a variety of techniques.
\subsection{Acoustic modes}
At the upper end of the frequency spectrum, there are acoustic (or p-) modes for
which the restoring force is pressure. Given that these modes tend to be
located in the outer portions of the star, they are most affected by centrifugal
deformation, which is greatest in such regions. One way of characterising the
effects of the centrifugal deformation is by taking the ratio of the
characteristic length scale of the deformation, which is roughly proportional to
$\Omega^2$, to the mode's wavelength, which is proportional to $\omega^{-1}$.
Hence, high frequency modes are more affected than low frequency modes, due to
their smaller wavelength. $\delta$ Scuti and $\beta$ Cephei stars oscillate in
the acoustic domain and typically tend to be rapid rotators.
At rapid rotation rates, the acoustic modes subdivide into different classes of
modes, each with their own characteristic geometry and independent frequency
organisation. This was first shown in polytropic models by
\cite{Lignieres2008}, \cite{Lignieres2009} using 2D numerical simulations and
ray dynamics and was then extended to more realistic models using 2D numerical
simulations by \cite{Reese2009}.
Among these different classes, island modes are the most important, since they
are the most visible of the regular (non-chaotic) modes. These modes are the
rotating counterpart to modes with few nodes from one pole to another, \textit{i.e.}\ with
a small $\l-|m|$ value. Their geometric structure closely follows a 2-period
ray orbit and is characterised by new quantum numbers as illustrated in
Fig.~\ref{fig:island}. Using these quantum numbers, it is possible to obtain a
new asymptotic formula which describes the frequencies of these modes, the
coefficients of which are related to travel time integrals (see
\cite{Lignieres2008}, \cite{Lignieres2009}, \cite{Pasek2011} and
\cite{Pasek2012}). Of particular interest is the frequency spacing,
$\Delta_{\tilde{n}}$, between modes with consecutive $\tilde{n}$ values. This
spacing is, in fact, half the large separation, and roughly scales with the
square-root of the stellar mean density, even a rapid rotation rates
\cite{Reese2008}.
\begin{figure}[htbp]
\includegraphics[width=\columnwidth]{Reese_D_fig1.eps}
\caption{Island mode in a model based on the Self-Consistent Field method
\cite{MacGregor2007}. New quantum numbers are indicated by the
arrows.\label{fig:island}}
\end{figure}
\subsection{Mixed modes}
Mixed modes combine the characteristics of acoustic and gravity modes, and occur
when there are avoided crossings between these modes. Such modes typically
occur in evolved stars, but can also be found in unevolved rapidly rotating
stars. Indeed, gravito-inertial modes are hardly affected by centrifugal
deformation and hence tend to scale as $\sqrt{GM/R_{\mathrm{pol}}^3}$, where $R_{\mathrm{pol}}$ is the
polar radius. In contrast, acoustic modes and the characteristic spacing
$\Delta_{\tilde{n}}$ are roughly proportional to $\sqrt{GM/V}$, where $V$ is the
volume of the star. As a result, the frequency domain of acoustic modes
decreases compared with that of gravito-inertial modes, thereby causing the two
to overlap. This favours avoided crossings and hence mixed modes, especially
given that rotation allows coupling between modes with different harmonic
degrees.
In evolved stars, rotation may play an important role in mixed modes. Indeed,
as shown by \cite{Ouazzani2013}, rotation affects different members of a given
rotation multiplet differently, even at relatively small rotation rates. This
is because the avoided crossings which produce the mixed modes occur at slightly
different values of the rotation rate for different members of the multiplet.
As a result, the ratio of the p- and g-mode contributions will be different,
thereby leading to different mode inertias, and the frequencies will no
longer be evenly spaced.
\section{Asteroseismology}
Having described the effects of rapid rotation on stellar pulsations, we now
turn our attention to the asteroseismic inferences which can be drawn from
observed stellar pulsations. In what follows, we will distinguish between
average or global asteroseismology, which focuses on the general
characteristics of the pulsation spectrum, and detailed or ``boutique''
asteroseismology, which relies on identifying individual modes.
\subsection{Global asteroseismology}
As was done above, we first start with the lower end of the frequency spectrum.
Recent observations have shown that the pulsation frequencies of
gravito-inertial modes in a number of Be stars tend to clump together. As
explained in various publications (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Walker2005b}, \cite{Saio2007},
\cite{Cameron2008}), the co-rotating frequencies of the pulsation modes are
likely to be much smaller than the rotation rate. When viewed from an inertial
frame, these frequencies are Doppler shifted by $m\Omega$ as described above,
thereby leading to separate clumps for each azimuthal order. Accordingly, the
frequency differences between these clumps provide an asteroseismic measure of
the rotation rate. However, a recent publication, \cite{Semaan2013}, showed
discrepancies between this seismic rotation rate and more classical
measurements of $\Omega$ based on spectroscopy.
At higher frequencies, recent studies of p-modes in rapidly rotating $\delta$
Scuti stars have found recurrent frequency spacings using histograms of
frequency differences or Fourier transforms of frequency spectra
(\cite{Breger2009}, \cite{GarciaHernandez2009}, \cite{Mantegazza2012},
\cite{GarciaHernandez2013}, \cite{Suarez2014}, \cite{GarciaHernandez}). Similar
studies have also been carried out using theoretical pulsation spectra based on
realistic mode visibilities (\cite{Lignieres2010}, \cite{Reese}) and have shown
that in favourable cases, such recurrent spacings could correspond to the large
frequency spacing or half its value (\textit{i.e.}\ $\Delta_{\tilde{n}}$), or to a
multiple of the rotation rate. Interpreting these spacings as the large
separation, \cite{GarciaHernandez2013} then went on to constrain the mean
density of a $\delta$ Scuti star observed with CoRoT.
\subsection{Detailed asteroseismology}
In order to obtain tighter constraints on stellar properties, one needs to carry
out detailed asteroseismology. However, up until now, it has proven to be very
difficult to correctly match observed frequencies with theoretical modes, \textit{i.e.}\
identify modes, in rapidly rotating stars due to the lack of \textit{simple}
frequency patterns, as is very well illustrated in Fig.~5 of
\cite{Deupree2012}. In order to overcome these difficulties, one can envisage
various approaches. One can still try to look for the more complicated patterns
through the use of Echelle diagrams (\cite{GarciaHernandez2013},
\cite{GarciaHernandez}, \cite{Bedding}) or by matching an asymptotic formula to
the frequencies \cite{Reese2009b}. The latter approach will however be thrown
off by the presence of chaotic modes which follow their own frequency
distribution \cite{Lignieres2009}. Another possibility is to apply
observational mode identification techniques based on multi-colour photometry or
spectroscopy. Such techniques have already been applied in slowly rotating
stars, but they need to be adapted to more rapid rotation.
In the photometric approach, one typically looks at the amplitude ratios or
phase differences of a given pulsation mode in different photometric bands. The
advantage of this approach is that the intrinsic mode amplitude factors out,
thereby leaving information which is only based on mode geometry. As opposed
to the non-rotating case, the amplitude ratios and phase differences depend both
on the azimuthal order and on the inclination (\textit{e.g.}\ \cite{Townsend2003},
\cite{Daszynska_Daszkiewicz2007}). However, at a given inclination, similar
amplitude ratios are obtained for modes with the same $\l$ and $m$ but
different radial orders \cite{Reese2013}. This is due to the similar surface
geometric structure of these modes, as expected from asymptotic theory
\cite{Pasek2012}. Accordingly, by grouping together modes with similar
amplitude ratios, one can find families of modes with similar quantum numbers,
thereby constraining mode identification and characteristic spacings such as the
large frequency separation or the rotation rate \cite{Reese}.
The spectroscopic approach consists in obtaining a time series of high
resolution spectra of a pulsating star to see how the absorption lines vary over
time as a result of Doppler shifts from the oscillatory motions, and comparing
this to theoretical predictions. Such an approach cannot currently be carried
out from space and requires the use of ground based-telescopes, preferably in a
network such as SONG. Previous and current spectroscopic observations of
rapidly rotating pulsating stars include those described in \cite{Telting1998},
\cite{Poretti2009}, \cite{Themessl}. Various studies have focused on obtaining
theoretical predictions in a rapidly rotating context (\cite{Lee1990},
\cite{Clement1994}, \cite{Townsend1997}) but more work is needed before these
effects are incorporated into mode identification tools such as FAMIAS
\cite{Zima2008}.
An important ingredient in predicting theoretical photometric and spectroscopic
signatures of pulsation modes is the variations of effective temperature.
However, this quantity can only be calculated through non-adiabatic pulsation
calculations. Currently, the only studies that include these effects in rapidly
rotating stars are those based on \cite{Lee1995}, which use models based on a
Chandrasekhar expansion and focus on low frequency modes, and ongoing work which
involves using the TOP pulsation code (\cite{Reese2006}, \cite{Reese2009}) with
models from the ESTER code, an approach which is applicable to all modes.
Figure~\ref{fig:non_adiabatic} shows a 2D excitation map as well as some 1D work
integrals of stable and unstable acoustic island-modes based on these latest
calculations. An added benefit of non-adiabatic calculations is knowing which
modes are unstable, which could provide additional constraints on the mode
identification.
\begin{figure}[htbp]
\includegraphics[width=\columnwidth]{Reese_D_fig2a.eps} \\
\includegraphics[width=\columnwidth]{Reese_D_fig2b.eps} \\
\caption{\textit{(Upper panel)} Two dimensional map of regions which excite
(red/white) or damp (blue/black) a given island mode in an ESTER model. The
radial coordinate in this plot is $\log T$ which stretches out the near surface
regions where most of the excitation and damping takes places. \textit{(Lower
panel)} Work integrals for a multiplet of modes at $\Omega = 0.4
\,\Omega_{\mathrm{K}}$. As can be seen, some of the members of this multiplet
are stabilised by rotation. \label{fig:non_adiabatic}}
\end{figure}
\section{Conclusion}
Rapid rotation plays a major role in the structure, evolution, and pulsations of
massive and intermediate mass stars. Given that these stars are important for
many domains of astrophysics, it is essential to understand the impact of rapid
rotation. Recent theoretical developments are leading to more and more
realistic models and a better understanding of their pulsation modes.
Nonetheless, many questions remain unanswered, especially in the light of new
and spectacular observations. Progress has been made in interpreting the
general characteristics of observed pulsation spectra, but more work is needed
in order to fully exploit the excellent data from current (MOST, CoRoT, Kepler,
Brite) and future missions (TESS, PLATO).
\begin{acknowledgement}
DRR is funded by the European Community's Seventh Framework Programme
(FP7/2007-2013) under grant agreement no. 312844 (SPACEINN), which is gratefully
acknowledged. Funding for the Stellar Astrophysics Centre is provided by The
Danish National Research Foundation (grant agreement No.: DNRF106).
\end{acknowledgement}
\bibliographystyle{epj}
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9/11: The "Perfect Opportunity" for North American Integration
By Andrew Gavin Marshall
Global Research, February 14, 2008
Region: Canada, USA
Theme: Terrorism
On February 12, 2008, the Canadian newspaper, the Financial Post, published an opinion piece by Michael Hart, of Carleton University, entitled, "Canada Blew It," in which he blamed the "slow" approach to North American integration on Canada's policies following 9/11. The article begins by stating:
"The Canadian and U.S. economies have become intertwined in response to demands by Canadians and Americans for each other's products, services, capital, and ideas. Yet the border as presently constituted protects Canadians and Americans from each other, not from global security threats. It also presents a risk to the wealth-creating flow of people, goods, services and capital between the two countries."1
Hart states that in order to "address global security concerns", Canada and the US need to, "develop co-operative solutions to common problems." He stated to do this, Canada and the US should implement an, "agenda aimed at removing the border to the largest extent possible as an obstacle to Canada-U.S. interaction and integration." He continues in outlining the steps to be taken in this agenda, the first of which is to, "re-imagine the border." Hart explains that much of the problems with the border are a result of "regulatory compliance", as in having a border, to which he proposes a solution in which, "Canada and the United States need to aggressively pursue regulatory convergence," or in other words, harmonization. He continues, "It is in Canada's interests to align as many of its regulatory requirements as possible with those of the United States."
In discussing the security of "North America's" economic infrastructure, Hart states, "Similar to our interdependence in ensuring the security of the North American continent, neither country can ensure the security of its economic infrastructure without the full co-operation of the other," to which he elaborates that, "we need to build the necessary institutions and networks of co-operation that ensure that American and Canadian officials are working together toward common objectives and doing so on the basis of constructive political oversight."2 Amazingly, Hart stated that it is "not a trade agenda", but is, in fact, "an integration agenda that requires the full participation of departments and agencies on both sides of the border responsible for border administration, economic regulation, and infrastructure integrity."
Hart continued in his critique of the slow process of integration, stating that, "The crisis of Sept. 11, 2001, provided a perfect opportunity to seize the moment to re-imagine the border, but Canada blew it [emphasis added]." This is a clear example of how important it is for those who oppose the processes of the Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America (SPP), and the North American Union which it seeks to create, must also examine the relationship between integration and terror; between the North American Union and 9/11. These are not separate elements of one another, these events are themselves deeply integrated, in both purpose and strategy. It is integral for those that oppose the NAU to review the attacks of September 11, 2001, to see the linkages between them and understand them as something beyond random associations and reactions to one another.
As to explaining why "Canada blew it," Hart states that, "Rather than work with the United States to address real security and related concerns, and to build a much-better functioning, more open, and more integrated North America, Canadian authorities reacted defensively and anxiously to American security concerns." But this is a gross misrepresentation, as shortly after 9/11, in December of 2001, "Governor Tom Ridge and Deputy Prime Minister John Manley Signed the Smart Border Declaration and Associated 30-Point Action Plan to Enhance the Security of Our Shared Border While Facilitating the Legitimate Flow of People and Goods,"3 according to the White House's December 2002 press release on the subject. Part of the 30-Point Action plan included "Biometric Identifiers", stating, "In the interest of having cards that could be used across different modes of travel, we have agreed to use cards that are capable of storing multiple biometrics." Another of the 30 points was "Permanent Residence Cards", or in other words, ID Cards. Further, the plans also stated that, "The United States and Canada have agreed to share Advance Passenger Information and Passenger Name Records (API/PNR) on high-risk travelers destined to either country." This is hardly stepping away from integration between the two countries, as Michael Hart seems to imagine.
Hart further explains that, "In the absence of another crisis, only inspired leadership can overcome the narrow-minded response of special and entrenched interests and bureaucratic self-preservation."4 Then, in revealing the true intent of the SPP, Hart states, "Each group [Canada and the US] is adept at exploiting the default position of incrementalism, exemplified by such initiatives as the Security and Prosperity Partnership. Progress will be made under the SPP banner, but at a snail's pace and without the impact needed to make a perceptible difference." This is a public admission of the SPP being an incremental approach to "deep integration", of which then ultimate goal is to form a North American Union. Hart explains that a key source of leadership is, "a business sector prepared to speak out forcefully and convincingly about the costs and lost opportunities flowing from misdirected and overzealous border administration."
So who is Michael Hart? He is the Simon Reisman Chair in Trade Policy at the Norman Paterson School of International Affairs at Carleton University.5 He is the first person to hold this position, which is named after Simon Reisman, "Canada's Chief Negotiator during the free trade talks with the United States, he also participated in a series of important international trade negotiations under the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade."6 Reisman was recently quoted by CTV regarding the 1988 Canada US Free Trade Agreement, saying, "We got it, we didn't get it all. We left a little for posterity."7 Further, Michael Hart "was a senior official in the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade specializing in trade policy and trade negotiations."8 He was also the author of a document entitled, "Free Trade in Free Fall? Assessing the Impact of Nontariff Barriers on Canada-U.S. Trade," published by the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars.9 From 2004 to 2005, Hart was a visiting scholar at the Center for North American Studies at American University,10 of which the Director is Robert Pastor.11
Robert Pastor is infamously referred to as the "father" of the North American Union, and arguably its chief public spokesperson and champion, and was the Co-Chair of the Independent Task Force on the Future of North America, a joint task force between the Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) in the United States and the Canadian Council of Chief Executives (CCCE) in Canada, as well as the Mexican Council on Foreign Relations, which produced the document "Building a North American Community."12 This document is the blueprint for the Security and Prosperity Agreement of North America, which outlines the overall objectives of the agreement in its goals of "integrating" North America.
Robert Pastor is also on the Board of Directors of the North American Forum on Integration, or NAFI, alongside the Chairman, Stephen Black, who is also a member of the Council on Foreign Relations.13 NAFI, "aims to address the issues raised by North American integration as well as identify new ideas and strategies to reinforce the North American region,"14 which every year, since 2005, holds what it calls a "Triumvirate", which their website describes as, "an annual North American mock parliament," which, "allows a hundred Canadian, American and Mexican university students to better understand the North American dynamic as well as the challenges faced by NAFTA partners."15 Among the participating Universities in NAFI, is the American University, (of course), Simon Fraser University, of which an economics professor emeritus recently wrote an article for the Financial Post in which he mentioned the amero currency as a goal in North America [See: North American Monetary Integration: Here Comes the Amero, Global Research16], and another notable university is Carleton University.17 It just so happens that the author of Canada Blew It, Michael Hart, works at Carleton.
The process towards a North American Union is embedded in our societal institutions, from the corporate world, to media, government and education. These are individuals connected through joint membership in think tanks and interest groups of those who share ideological beliefs in internationalism and globalization. So, too, must those who oppose the SPP and the NAU be embedded in all the institutions of our societies, working not for personal gain and profit, but for country and freedom, preserving our rights, liberties and identity, and exposing those who seek to challenge our inherent human rights.
1 Michael Hart, Canada Blew It. The Financial Post: February 12, 2008:
http://www.nationalpost.com/opinion/story.html?id=302151
3 Office of the Press Secretary, U.S. – Canada Smart Border/30 Point Action Plan Update. The White House: December 6, 2002:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2002/12/20021206-1.html
4 Michael Hart, Ibid.
5 About NPSIA, Simon Reisman Chair in Trade Policy. Carleton University:
http://www.carleton.ca/npsia/school/simon_reisman.html
7 CTV.ca news staff, Poll says most North Americans support free trade. CTV News: September 30, 2007:
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20070930/free_trade_070930/20070930?hub=Canada
9 Events at the Center, Free Trade in Free Fall? Assessing the Impact of Nontariff Barriers on Canada-U.S. Trade. Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars: February 8, 2008:
http://www.wilsoncenter.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=events.event&event_id=372221
10 Past Senior Fellows, Michael Hart. Center for North American Studies at American University:
http://www.american.edu/ia/cnas/ed/fellows/hart.cfm
11 Center for North American Studies, Robert A. Pastor. Center for North American Studies at American University:
http://www.american.edu/ia/cnas/staff/rpastor.cfm
12 CFR.org, Building a North American Community. Council on Foreign Relations Press: May 2005: http://www.cfr.org/publication/8102/
13 NAFI, Our Board of Directors. NAFINA: http://www.fina-nafi.org/eng/fina/conseil.asp?langue=eng&menu=fina
14 NAFI, The North American Forum on Integration.
http://www.fina-nafi.org/eng/finapresentation.asp?langue=eng&menu=fina
16 Andrew G. Marshall, North American Monetary Integration: Here Comes the Amero. Global Research: January 20, 2008:
http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=7854
17 NAFI, Triumvirate 2006.
http://www.fina-nafi.org/eng/triumvirat06/default.asplangue=eng&menu=triumvirat06
Copyright © Andrew Gavin Marshall, Global Research, 2008
Articles by: Andrew Gavin Marshall
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Book One of the Elementally Evolved series Set in a world that closely resembles our own, Burn is a story of redemption and betrayal, of family and sacrifice, which leads to the greatest question of all: how far would you go to save the ones you love? Fifteen years ago, Felix Paracel killed his mother with fire that shot from his hands. Since then, he has hidden from forces bent on exploiting him and his fire and wind Elemental abilities. But Felix's world is about to change, because he is Findo Unum-the Split One-and his coming has been foretold for generations. Though Felix's arrival brings great joy to the Elemental world, it also heralds a coming darkness. No one knows this better than Seven.-Seven, the mysterious man who rescued Felix from that horrible fire years ago and then disappeared; Seven, who has returned to claim what's rightfully his: Felix's heart. But even as Felix begins to trust Seven and his feelings about his place in the world, the darkness reveals itself, bringing consequences no one could have predicted.
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<!DOCTYPE html>
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<title>My Awesome Presentation</title>
<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=UTF-8"/>
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# My Awesome Presentation
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# Agenda
1. Introduction
2. Deep-dive
3. ...
[NOTE]: Note that you need remark.js alongside this html file, but no internet connection.
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# Introduction
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\section{Introduction}\label{intro}
``Quantum Limits of Knowledge" is the nice title of a workshop organised in the historical seminar room at the Niels Bohr Institute in Copenhagen in May 2019. At first sight, no doubts, quantum theory imposes limits to what can be known. There are Heisenberg's uncertainty relation and - Copenhagen obliged - Bohr's complementary principle. But is it scientific to believe that scientific theories limit human knowledge? In particular, does quantum theory limit our knowledge or does it faithfully describe an indeterminated world, a world in which objects do not have determined positions, momenta and further properties? In short, should one speak of the uncertainty relation or of the indeterminacy relation?
For a realist, like myself, scientific theories describe what there is, not the limits of our knowledge. One can't simultaneously know with arbitrary precision the position and momentum of particles not because of some fancy limitations to our knowledge, but merely because particles don't have simultaneous precise positions and momenta. Nevertheless, looking for additional variables is highly interesting, because it may allow one to discover new physics. This implies that the hypothetical new variables should not be hidden, at least not hidden by essence for ever: they may be hidden today, but the interest is to find and reveal them\footnote{Accordingly, I was never interested in local hidden variables - despite this common historical terminology, but by local variables and the lack thereof.}. At least, this is the rough story. In quantum theory, things are more complex, because of the locality issue, on one side, and for historical reasons on the other side.
What about classical mechanics? Here things seem clear. To my knowledge there has never been any suggestion to organise a workshop on ``Classical limits of knowledge". But, why not?
Consider a chaotic classical dynamical system. Such systems exhibit what is known as deterministic chaos, i.e. the dynamical equations are deterministic (as is the Schr\"odinger equation) and the entire trajectory, $\vec x(t)$, $\vec p(t)$, is fully determined by the initial conditions $\vec x(0)$, $\vec p(0)$. For chaotic systems, the leading digits of $\vec x(t)$, $\vec p(t)$ depend on far down the series digits of $\vec x(0)$, $\vec p(0)$. Such far down the series digits are clearly inaccessible - hidden, but according to textbooks on classical mechanics $\vec x(0)$ and $\vec p(0)$ are real numbers (or vectors) and real numbers have unlimited numbers of digits, containing typically infinite information (except for computable numbers, a subset of the reals of measure zero). Hence, although our technology is limited, and will always be limited, the theory says that the entire trajectory $\vec x(t)$, $\vec p(t)$ is fully determined by the initial conditions. So, if one studies textbooks, then classical mechanics is fully deterministic. But what about the physics of classical systems?
In the next section \ref{ACM} I briefly summarize an alternative theory of classical mechanics in which initial conditions, like all parameters, are given by finite-information numbers. This alternative theory makes precisely the same predictions as standard classical mechanics, hence, the alternative theory has the same huge explanatory power as standard classical mechanics. However, the alternative theory is not deterministic when applied to chaotic dynamical systems. In section \ref{supplVarACM} we look for additional variables - hidden to the alternative theory, but whose existence can be postulated in such a way as to render the supplemented alternative theory deterministic. Actually, the hidden variables are the de-facto-inaccessible real numbers and the supplemented theory is merely standard classical mechanics! Thus, I go on in section \ref{pushingBack}, the apparent no knowledge limits of classical theory is an illusion. The illusion is due to the common usage of real numbers that classical physicists assume to be physically real, i.e. to faithfully represent something physically real, although there is and can't be any scientific reasons to trust that real numbers are faithful representations of physical entities: this habit is based on a myth. A myth some may consider convenient because it renders classical mechanics deterministic. But one may also argue that this myth unnecessarily enlarges the difference between classical and quantum theories. For sure, this myth amounts to push back all the indeterminacy present in the alternative classical theory to the inaccessible initial conditions: God played all dice at the big-bang and all the future is encoded - hidden - in the real numbers assumed to faithfully describe the initial conditions, as I discuss in section \ref{pushingBack}
\section{Alternative classical mechanics}\label{ACM}
In this section I briefly recall a pretty straightforward alternative theory to standard classical mechanics, first presented in \cite{GisinReal}. This alternative theory keeps the standard dynamical equations of classical mechanics unchanged, but all parameters, in particular the initial conditions, but also masses, charges, etc., and the time parameter are restricted to finite information numbers. In \cite{GisinReal}, the motivation is that a finite volume of space can't contain infinite information, hence, e.g., the center of mass of an object can't be faithfully represented by a typical real numbers, because typical real numbers contain infinite information. Such parameters should be described by finite information numbers.
What precisely finite information numbers are (besides containing finite information) is not too important to the present paper. Reference \cite{FlavioNG19} elaborates on this. For sure, finite information numbers contain all computable numbers, as the information content of a computable number is the information that defines the algorithm to compute it and such information is finite. Masses, charges and similar parameters are given by computable numbers. But finite information numbers go beyond computable numbers and this provides useful representations of initial conditions in our alternative classical theory.
A full description of finite information numbers requires intuitionistic mathematics, see, e.g., \cite{IndeterminateNumbersPosy,GisinIntuitionism}. But here it suffices to think of them as follows. Let $x$ be a finite information number. For simplicity and without loss of generality, we assume $x$ is larger than 0 and smaller than 1 and use base 2 to expand the bits of $x$:
\begin{equation}
x=b_1b_2b_3...b_n...
\end{equation}
In contrast to real numbers, here the $b_n$'s are not truly bits, their values are not restricted to bit values 0 and 1, but can assume any rational value between 0 and 1. Thus, strictly speaking, $x$ is not a number in the usual sense, it is a process that develops in time; in \cite{FlavioNG19} we named such $x$'s Finite Information Quantities (FIQs). Let us emphasize that such quantities are not static, their bits are not all given at once, but evolve as time passes (as ``numbers" in intuitionistic mathematics \cite{IndeterminateNumbersPosy,Kreisel,Troelstra,GisinIntuitionism}). Each $b_n$ is interpreted as the tendency, or propensity, that it eventually settles at the bit value 1. Hence $b_n=1$ means that this bit is fixed to the determined value 1 and similarly $b_n=0$ means that its value is fixed to 0. Think of the first $b_n$ taking values 0 or 1, they are determined. However, the far down the series $b_n$ are totally random, i.e. $b_n=\frac{1}{2}$ for $n$ large enough. In-between the $b_n$'s may take any (rational) value such that the total information content of $x$ is finite:
\begin{eqnarray}
I(x)&=&\sum_{n=1}^\infty I(b_n) \\
&=&\sum_{n=1}^\infty (1-h(b_n)) \\
&=&\sum_{n=1}^\infty (1+b_n\log_2(b_n)+(1-b_n)\log_2(1-b_n) \nonumber\\
&<& \infty
\end{eqnarray}
Physicists are not used to think of numbers as developing in time, and indeed, our FIQs $x$ are, as said, not numbers according to classical mathematics. However, let us repeat that FIQs are perfectly valid numbers in intuitionistic mathematics, where numbers are processes that develop in time \cite{IndeterminateNumbersPosy, Kreisel, Troelstra, GisinIntuitionism}. But for this paper, physicists' intuition suffices. Indeed, physicists are used to the idea that the leading digits of physical parameters are relevant, fixed and determined, while far down the series digits are not yet relevant, possibly not yet determined\footnote{For example, as early as 1955, Born wrote: ``Statements like `a quantity x has a completely definite value' (expressed by a real number and represented by a point in the mathematical continuum) seem to me to have no physical meaning" \cite{born}.}. Whether this indeterminacy is purely epistemic or fundamental (i.e. ontological) is usually (and often wisely) left open. But here, for the purpose of this paper on limits of knowledge, we assume this indeterminacy to be fundamental.
Let's come back to classical chaos. At small times, the leading digits of the initial conditions suffice to determine the evolution, at least for all practical purposes. However, quickly, the evolution will depend on far down the series digits. Hence, as time passes, new digits must acquire determined and fixed values. Which values is not important, since anyway the evolution is chaotic: the newly determined digits can be random (possibly with some correlations), as random as the far down the series digits of typical real numbers \cite{Borel,Chaitin,DowekRealNb13}.
Accordingly, we face a choice. Either the present state of a chaotic system reveals retroactively information about long passed initial conditions represented by real numbers, or the present results from an indeterminated state of affairs represented by FIQs. The first view is that of standard classical mechanics, the second of alternative classical mechanics. Both predict indistinguishable random evolutions of chaotic dynamical systems\footnote{Possibly sharing the same global structure, like, e.g., a strange attractor.}, and both make the same predictions for integrable dynamical systems, as in such systems only the leading digits are relevant.
\section{Supplementary variables to alternative classical mechanics}\label{supplVarACM}
In alternative classical mechanics initial conditions do not fully determine the evolution of chaotic dynamical systems. The evolution of such systems are described by quantities that are processes that develop in time. The development is usually not deterministic. Hence, in the alternative theory, the evolution of chaotic systems is truly indeterministic, in strong contrast to standard classical mechanics where the chaos is deterministic. Let us concentrate on the indeterministic alternative theory and look for supplementary variables.
In full generality, one can always supplement indeterministic theories with additional variables such that the supplemented theory is deterministic \cite{GudderHV}. In a nutshell, it suffices to add as supplementary variables all results of all possible future measurements. Ideally, these are coded in such a way that they are not immediately accessible, though this aspect of supplementary variables is not always well defined. Before looking at alternative classical mechanics, let us consider two other examples based on quantum mechanics.
First, consider standard quantum mechanics, but restricted, for simplicity, to measurements with binary outcomes. A simple (and admittedly artificial) way to supplement this theory is to add to the standard state vector, $\psi\in\mathcal{H}$, a random number $r$ uniformly distributed in the unit interval $[0..1]$. Whenever a binary measurement is performed, write $r$ in binary form and divide it in 2 new random numbers $r_1$ and $r_2$. The bits of $r_1$ is the series of bits of $r$ at odd positions, while the bits of $r_2$ are $r$'s bits at even positions. Hence, both $r_1$ and $r_2$ are uniformly distributed in the unit interval. The rule is that the outcome of the binary measurement $P$ is $+1$ iff $r_1\leq\bra{\Psi}P\ket{\Psi}$ and the supplementary variable $r$, after the measurement, is updated to $r_2$. No doubt that this supplemented model is ad-hoc, but the point is simply to illustrated how easily one can supplement any indeterministic theory.
Second, consider Bohmian mechanics as quantum mechanics supplemented by (local) Bohmian positions and (nonlocal) dynamical equations for these Bohmian positions \cite{Bohm52}. Bohmian mechanics is clearly much more elegant, thus attractive to physicists, than our first example. But one may question whether it is fundamentally different is nature? In both cases the supplementary variables are inaccessible beyond the deterministic measurement outcomes they trigger. Anyway, here we like to concentrate on alternative classical mechanics.
Thirdly, consider alternative classical mechanics. Here, every physicists will immediately guess elegant supplementary variables: just supplement the finite information quantities by the usual real numbers. It this way, all future results of chaotic dynamical systems are encoded in presently inaccessible digits. This is such an elegant solution that almost all physicists accept it without even thinking about it. Note that most of these physicists nevertheless reject Bohmian position, despite the similarity of the two supplemented theories.
\section{Pushing back all indeterminacy to the initial conditions}\label{pushingBack}
In the previous section, we have seen that, generally, there is no way to distinguish experimentally an indeterministic theory from any of its supplemented deterministic theories. And vice-versa, all deterministic theories have an empirically equivalent indeterministic theory \cite{Werndl}. Somehow, instead of God playing dice when an undetermined outcome has to happen, God played all dies at the origin of times, e.g. at the big-bang. Note that the far down the series digits of typical real numbers are truly random, as random as quantum measurement outcomes performed on half a singlet, as has been emphasized, among others, by Borel \cite{Borel} and Chaitin \cite{Chaitin}. Accordingly, standard classical physics pushes all randomness to the initial condition and then claims the theory is deterministic. But one may argue that this is just a trick, an elegant trick not in contradiction with any empirical evidence, but a trick unsupported by any empirical evidence.
Consequently, we face a choice: either the fact that at present certain things happen and others do not is interpreted as revealing, retroactively, information about long past initial conditions, or else, we understand the present as the result of indeterminate reality, and the future as open. If we care about how we experience reality, the later option is obviously superior \cite{Dolev18,GisinTimePasses,GisinReal}.
\section{conclusion}\label{concl}
We argued that classical physics theory can quite naturally and intuitively be considered as an indeterministic theory supplemented by additional variables and that these additional variables are nothing but our familiar real numbers. This is interesting from several points of view.
First, it allows one to discuss additional variables outside the framework of quantum mechanics. Next, it shows that the infamous quantum measurement problem is not restricted to quantum theory, but is actually present in all indeterministic theories \cite{FlavioNG19}. Thirdly, it illustrates possible classical limits of knowledge.
Finally, our discussion illustrates the important role played by classical mathematics. Indeed, in classical mathematics, formalized following Hilbert's huge influence at the beginning of last century, the digits of all real numbers are assumed to be all given at once. This translates in classical physics, in particular in chaotic classical dynamical systems, by the assumption that all the future is given at once, i.e. encoded in the real-valued initial conditions. However, classical (Platonistic) mathematics is not the only form of mathematics. There is also intuitionistic mathematics, a form of mathematics much less known than classical mathematics, but a quite well developed mathematics in which numbers, in particular real numbers, are not all given at once, but are processes that develop in time. Brouwer, the father of intuitionism, named these processes choice sequences \cite{Brouwer1948,IndeterminateNumbersPosy,Kreisel,Troelstra}. Clearly, if physics is expressed in the language of intuitionistic mathematics, then one concludes very naturally that classical physics is indeterministic. The fact is that, historically, Hilbert won his debate with Brouwer (and Einstein won his debate with Bergson), hence physicists use classical/Platonistic mathematics and time was expulsed from physics. But there is no logical nor empirical necessity for this state of affair. It illustrates what everyone speaking more than one language knows, namely that different languages make certain thoughts easier to express in one language than in another, like determinism is easier to express in the classical mathematics language and indeterminism easier in intuitionistic mathematics \cite{GisinIntuitionism}.
Finally, let us come back to the question raised in the introduction: is it scientific to believe that scientific theories limit human knowledge? Almost all colleagues would answer in the negative. However, most may conclude that scientific theories should be deterministic, as, if not, the future would be intrinsically unknowable. Here we argued on the contrary for indeterminism, as, if not, past real-valued initial conditions would be intrinsically unknowable. For me, there is nothing unscientific in claiming that the future is open, hence that there are limits to our knowledge of the future, but actual physical parameters of our scientific theories should be, at least in principle, knowable.
\small
\section*{Acknowledgment} This work profited from stimulating discussions with Flavio Del Santo and Christian W\"uthrich.\\ \\
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
}
| 1,472
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AEW TV debuts on TNT this Fall
kernodle
AEW TV debuts on TNT this Fall May 9, 2019 21:13:58 GMT -5 Justin Case likes this
Post by kernodle on May 9, 2019 21:13:58 GMT -5
Via The Wrap
The All Elite Wrestling (AEW)-Turner deal is now "virtually done," a person with knowledge of the plan tells TheWrap exclusively. Current plans call for the partnership to be announced through select press one hour before WarnerMedia's Wednesday upfront event, the individual said. The arrangement made between the parties called for a small group of reporters to be informed of the agreement on an embargoed basis the evening before.
AEW president Tony Khan and some of his wrestlers are expected to be in attendance at the Madison Square Garden — the mecca of professional wrestling — pitch to media buyers, the person told us. The presentation begins at 10 a.m. New York City time.
Current plans call for Turner to begin airing a weekly AEW wrestling show this fall on TNT.
Financial terms of the deal are not expected to be disclosed as AEW is not a publicly traded company. The leader in the space, WWE, is.
When reached, a spokeswoman for Turner declined to comment on this story. A rep for AEW has not responded to TheWrap's request for comment.
Last month, TheWrap reported that All Elite Wrestling and Turner were in advanced talks for a TV deal. At the time, negotiations made it unclear whether or not an agreement would be in place by next week's upfront, which is when television networks debut their new fall shows for advertisers.
The first person to report AEW's planned affiliation with the WarnerMedia upfront was a Twitter user who goes by FrontRowBrian:
Since then, complex negotiations put hopes for the upfront in jeopardy, our individual with knowledge of the talks had told us. We now know the details of the public rollout plan, which was finalized on Wednesday.
WarnerMedia has since provided media with tip sheets listing the talent planned for its upfront "blue carpet," but AEW was not represented on those versions.
Turner, a WarnerMedia property, is now owned by AT&T. AEW is backed financially by Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shahid Khan, Tony Khan's father.
Though AEW has still only had one big show to date, its growing roster is impressive. Founded by wrestlers Cody and tag-team The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick Jackson), the company has signed Chris Jericho, Pac (formerly Neville in WWE) and Kenny Omega to wrestle, among others, as well as WWE legend Jim Ross on commentary.
AEW's next big event is May 25's "Double or Nothing" in Las Vegas. The show will be available as a pay-per-view purchase in the UK via ITV Box Office. We are awaiting the announcement of a stateside platform for the event. Previously, our sourcing indicated that "Double or Nothing" would not be a part of the Turner deal.
TNT's primary competitor, USA Network, currently airs WWE's "Raw" on Mondays and "SmackDown Live" on Tuesdays. However, "SmackDown" is heading to Fox's broadcast network this fall, when it will switch to Fridays.
This is fucking huge.
Last Edit: May 15, 2019 8:16:49 GMT -5 by kernodle
AEW TV debuts on TNT this Fall May 13, 2019 21:21:22 GMT -5
Post by kernodle on May 13, 2019 21:21:22 GMT -5
Wednesday is going to be very interesting.
AEW TV debuts on TNT this Fall May 15, 2019 8:17:00 GMT -5 Justin Case and Dustin like this
Post by kernodle on May 15, 2019 8:17:00 GMT -5
AEW TV debuts on TNT this Fall May 16, 2019 8:01:19 GMT -5
From this week's Observer Newlsetter.
All Elite Wrestling and WarnerMedia announced officially at the latters' upfronts at the Hulu Theater a deal for weekly prime time wrestling on TNT.
This would be the most significant television breakthrough for pro wrestling in the U.S. since Turner Broadcasting canceled wrestling on TNT and TBS in early 2001.
The deal, which was expected, came without much in the way of answers to a lot of the questions, largely because those questions haven't been answered.
Right now nothing is concrete past the point of a weekly two-hour live show. The day of the week is not official, although it will likely be either Tuesday or Wednesday night.
WarnerMedia is going to make the call based on market research to determine the value of going on Tuesday, with it being a "creature of habit" night for wrestling fans right now, with the idea of going 8-10 p.m. is the current Smackdown time slot. The downside of that move is TNT has NBA commitments on Tuesday. If it does go on Tuesday, it would likely mean, like was the case with wrestling in the WCW era, that during the NBA season it would likely be cut down. It would air, perhaps on one hour form some weeks, and probably just prior to the NBA game of the night.
On Wednesday, it is not as much a current destination of habit for two million wrestling fans, but there would be fewer time slot changes and they would almost every week be able to run the full two hours.
No start date was announced although the belief is it will be at the start of the fall season in October. The last Tuesday Smackdown on USA will be 9/24, meaning if Tuesday is the night, 10/1 would be the perfect start date. If it's Wednesday, while 10/2 wouldn't be as necessary, one would still think the start date would be in that range.
The show's name hasn't been decided on. It's not clear when the decision will be made. AEW is currently negotiating television deals in the U.K., obviously with ITV 4, and in Canada, but the deals can't be finalized until the day of the week is decided. Australia and Mexico are targets as well, but the U.S., U.K. and Canada are expected to be the key markets when the show launches.
The deal also includes content on B/R Live, including PPV shows. The PPV content will be done more like UFC, where it will be a full price PPV at $49.95, and not undercutting the PPV providers' price. That may have been something that they had little choice on, because in cutting recent deals with inDemand, Dish and DirecTV, the contract stipulations likely called for an inability to undercut the price on streaming. WWE was able to do that by basically just doing it, and the PPV providers had to either agree to continue airing the shows or not. But WWE had leverage due to its long history which AEW wouldn't have had.
The price tag brought a lot of complaints, given wrestling fans are used to the WWE streaming at $9.99 per month and New Japan at even less for multiple shows. It's still less than UFC or boxing PPVs, although boxing PPVs are lessening due to DAZN.
AEW to TNT had been talked about by AEW President Tony Khan and Kevin Reilly, the President of TNT and TBS, for nearly one year, even predating All In. But the first actual serious negotiations started in mid-November. Khan had promised a strong roster in those negotiations and was able to sign every key person he had promised. Khan negotiated the deal along with Bernie Cahill, the co-founder of Activist Artists Management, LLC, which Khan is a partner in.
There were also negotiations with Showtime, although TNT was always the favorite to end up as the destination point. Showtime would have likely been a deal for major shows, perhaps longer than two hours, like in the Strikeforce days, but not weekly.
The terms of the deal were said to be very complicated. Unlike with ITV, which is having its sports side handle the wrestling, as opposed to the entertainment side that handled World of Sport, this deal encompasses both the sports and entertainment sides of the WarnerMedia empire.
There are some similarities here to Vince McMahon's XFL deal, in the sense there is no direct rights fees, although there are financial guarantees in the deal and the financial value of the deal is incredible for a start-up company.
The key is that WarnerMedia will be paying for production, the value of which is unknown. But that shocked most in the wrestling industry because in the modern era very few wrestling deals actually paid for production. In a sense, WCW, since they were owned by Turner Broadcasting, had production and other costs paid for just like Paramount does for Bellator. But in non-ownership deals, only in markets where wrestling on a local basis had a history of gigantic ratings did the television station pay for production, and those budgets were infinitesimal compared to the budget here. WWE still pays for its production, which is key because the person who pays for production controls the final product of what is produced. Both WWE and UFC have for years wanted full control of the production.
There is also an ad revenue split with a downside guarantee. So the final value of the deal will be directly related to ad rates and attractiveness of the product, as well as in the long run, the ratings. This behooves AEW to do an advertiser friendly show. There has been talk from the start of a very sports-centric product, with similarities to UFC and Mid South Wrestling in different ways, with analytics used in storylines, from won-loss records to other detailed statistics and likely rankings and such. How this will all transpire is still unknown and there is a question of being able to make it work, since nothing has ever been done like this in the past.
The one thing that is for certain is that there will be no scripting of promos and no teleprompter usage for promos. The idea is to avoid the robotic delivered reading or memorizing of lines that many have complained has taken the soul out of wrestling and created a period where the in-ring work in WWE has never been better but the promos have never been worse.
The belief within the company is this deal will allow them to be profitable by 2020.
But there are still very obvious challenges, such as being able to draw prime time ratings on a station like TNT. TNT averaged 1,171,000 viewers in prime time in 2018, putting it in seventh place on cable, behind Fox News, ESPN, MSNBC, HGTV, USA and TBS.
From the Turner side, because of the ability of wrestling to be a product on multi-platforms, with television as the main driver but not the only driver, that it doesn't have to do the network average to be a big success. But the number is always important. Previously, because the role of wrestling was largely to bring up the network average, since wrestling performed poorly when it came to selling ads, a wrestling show was of no value if it didn't beat the network average.
TNT is available in slightly more homes, just under 90 million, than USA, which is in just under 89 million homes. USA only beats TNT in ratings due to Raw and Smackdown.
In comparison to the XFL deal, the similarity in both cases is that the stations are paying for the television production. The XFL deal is superior due to airing many games on network television. The AEW deal is superior due to sharing in advertising revenue and having guaranteed revenue built into the deal, and also being in prime time on a weeknight as opposed to mostly weekend afternoons.
Right now it is not clear whether the show would air live on the West Coast, like a sports property would, or three hours later in prime time on the West Coast, like WWE has always done. In the Nitro era, TNT actually ran two different airings nationally, a live feed and a replay that would air in prime time on the West Coast. At that time, TNT and TBS didn't have West Coast feeds, although at the end of the run they had followed the major cable stations in doing so.
It also will be interesting to see how and if WWE will counter. It's doubtful they would add a new main brand show, but they could do a second NXT show, or move the NXT Wednesday show to FS 1. But that move could backfire, as unless NXT is two hours, it would give AEW an unopposed hour. Also, with TNT beating a stronger station than FS 1, that counter programming could give AEW a strong market edge if they were to score better ratings than a WWE property head-to-head because that's the exact scenario that would make them immediately be established as a player. Of course, if NXT were to draw better ratings on a weaker station, that would work in WWE's favor.
AEW brought Khan, The Young Bucks, Kenny Omega, Britt Baker, Brandi Rhodes, Cody, Adam Page and Dana Massie to the upfronts. The decision was made not to bring Chris Jericho because Khan wants to present more of an old school feel and not have his main event of Jericho vs. Omega both there, unless it was to shoot an angle, and clearly, that was not the time or the place to shoot such an angle. Most of those names would be expected, but Baker was an interesting choice. Clearly she is going to be presented as one of the stars of the company and faces of the women's division, because she comes across well in the media with the idea of a full-time dentist who has a practice and also wrestles.
It will also be interesting to see how the leading advertisers, many of which were present at the upfronts, take to the idea of wrestling on TNT and the very different group of wrestlers who were there.
There will also be likely other programming on B/R.
"Wrestling fans have wanted—and needed–something different, authentic and better for far too long," said Khan. "AEW is answering the call. AEW is about more than wrestling. It's about a movement fueled by wrestling fans who have been underserved and perhaps even disappointed by what the industry has produced in recent years. AEW is rising to the occasion with Double or Nothing and today taking it a step further by partnering with WarnerMedia, which is as committed as we are to making wrestling fans the one and only priority. With WarnerMedia, AEW is poised globally to redefine wrestling as we know it today."
"One thing we really strongly want to present is wins and losses mattering again in pro wrestling," said Cody to Variety. "That takes more than the W and the L column," he said. "We're talking about percentage of times someone loses to this particular maneuver, percentages against somebody of this height, a whole by-the-numbers approach that really intrigues me. It's not a cornerstone of AEW necessarily but it's a great peripheral element we're working on and that's going to be exclusive to us."
There will also likely be additional programming on B/R Live, although nothing has been worked out as to what that would be. The company wants a major push to B/R Live. One source at Turner noted that the ratings on TNT will matter but they are trying to leverage multiple venues, including B/R Live, and YouTube, with their main brands like Rick & Morty, Jokers and Conan, and AEW could fit into that.
For the 5/25 PPV show, it will air on inDemand, Dish and DirecTV in the U.S. and on some Canadian cable systems but not all. ITV will have it on their PPV system in the U.K. ITV also would own streaming rights in the U.K. B/R Live would also stream the show in the U.S., and Canada. Fite TV is to stream the show all over the world except in the U.S. and U.K., including in Canada.
The one hour Buy In pre-game show will air on all social media channels including YouTube, Facebook and twitter in North America, and on ITV 4 in the U.K. ITV 4 will also be airing a one hour special called "Before the Bell," on 5/24 at 12:05 a.m. (Just after midnight Thursday night).
In the U.S., the show will start at 7 p.m. Eastern with Buy In, and the PPV is scheduled from 8 p.m. to midnight.
Buy In will feature Kip Sabian vs. Sammy Guevara and the 21 man Casino Battle Royale match for a later championship match. Names listed thus far for that match are Sonny Kiss, Brandon Cutler, Ace Romero, Glacier, Brian Pillman Jr., Sunny Daze, MJF, Joey Janela, Dustin Thomas, Billy Gunn, Jimmy Havoc, Jungle Boy and Michael Nakazawa.
The main card is now completed with Omega vs. Jericho, Young Bucks vs. Pentagon Jr. & Fenix for the AAA tag titles, Page vs. Pac, Cody vs. Dustin Rhodes, Christopher Daniels & Frankie Kazarian & Scorpio Sky vs. Cima & T-Hawk & Lindaman, Dr. Britt Baker vs. Nyla Rose vs. Kylie Rae and two matches announced this week, Chuck Taylor & Trent Baretta vs. Jack Evans & Angelico and Aja Kong & Yuka Sakazaki & Emi Sakura vs. Hikaru Shida & Riho & Ryo Mizunami. The latter match is one put together by Kenny Omega to showcase Japanese women's wrestling. One of the AEW battle plans is that use Japanese women like WCW used the Mexican wrestlers and cruiserweights, as a style unique to them. Kong, who is 48, is a Hall of Famer and one of the biggest stars of the early 90s All Japan Women hot period. Sakura, 42, is a 24-year-veteran and also a notable trainer and has held titles in numerous Japanese groups. Shida, 30, was an actress who became a pro wrestler after playing one in a movie and loving learning it.
The event is sold out, but there are still 1,200 tickets left on the secondary market. The lowest price in is now $50.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 6,620
|
using System.Collections;
using System.Collections.Generic;
using UnityEngine;
using GamepadInput;
public class gPlayerController : MonoBehaviour
{
private gRigidbodyCharacter character;
[SerializeField]
private GamePad.Index playerIndex; //
[HideInInspector]
public Vector2 velocity;
private GamepadState inputState; //
public bool _isPressMachineActived { get; private set; }
// Use this for initialization
void Start()
{
character = GetComponent<gRigidbodyCharacter>();
velocity = Vector2.zero;
}
// Update is called once per frame
void Update()
{
// インスペクターからゲームパッドを取得
inputState = GetGamePad(playerIndex);
if (inputState != null)
{
// 左joystick取得
velocity.x = inputState.LeftStickAxis.x;
}
// キャラクターの移動
if (velocity.x == 0)
{
//character.Move(velocity,1);
character._moveSpeed = 0.0f;
}
else if(velocity.x<=-1)
{
character._moveSpeed = -0.05f;
character.Move(velocity, character._moveSpeed);
}
else if(velocity.x>=1)
{
character._moveSpeed = 0.05f;
character.Move(velocity, character._moveSpeed);
}
//ジャンプ処理
if (inputState.A)
{
character.Jump(character._jumpPower);
}
}
GamepadState GetGamePad(GamePad.Index index)
{
if (index != GamePad.Index.Any)
{
// Any以外のゲームパッド状態を返す
return GamePad.GetState(index, false);
}
return null;
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 8,710
|
{"url":"https:\/\/mathoverflow.net\/questions\/340010\/mixed-hodge-structures-over-f-otimes-mathbbr","text":"# Mixed Hodge structures over $F\\otimes \\mathbb{R}$\n\nLet $$F$$ be a number field. Nekov\u00e0\u0159, on page 18 of Values of L-functions and p-adic cohomology, is referring to the category of mixed Hodge structures over $$F\\otimes_{\\mathbb{Q}} \\mathbb{R}$$. Can anyone precise the definition of the above?\n\nMany thanks!","date":"2020-09-20 08:28:32","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 2, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.764206051826477, \"perplexity\": 309.3459004613544}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2020-40\/segments\/1600400196999.30\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20200920062737-20200920092737-00722.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Carnegie Library - From Closure to Re-opening (All 453)
453 images Created 6 Feb 2016
Carnegie Library in Herne Hill, south London finally closed its doors for the last time at 6pm on March 31st 2016 after a prolonged campaign by the local community to stop Lambeth council from converting the building into a gym and privately-owned enterprises - rather than maintain the much-loved reading and learning resource minus the qualified and knowledgeable librarians to run it.
As the gates were locked, so the 10-day occupation started with 70 locals choosing to stay among the 20,000 books and computers otherwise used by generations of children, the elderly and adult literacy groups - all now mourning the loss of this Edwardian building, in service since 1906. £12,600 was originally donated by the American steel magnate and philanthropist Andrew Carnegie to help build the library, a fine example of Edwardian civic architecture, built with red Flettan bricks and terracotta, listed as Grade II in 1981.
"Bad libraries build collections, good libraries build services, great libraries build communities." Prof. R David Lankes, University of Syracuse.
USAGE RATES APPLY
carnegie_library_protest29-06-02-201...jpg
carnegie_library03-07-02-2016.jpg
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 5,640
|
SEARCH FOR AN ARTIST CHOOSE A COMPETITION JUDGE FOR ME
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Indie rock group Ex Norwegian is on the brink of redefining the genre with their unpretentious, addictive sound that is free of 'woe is me' and self aggrandizing. Instead, irresistible, hook-laden songs – both musically and lyrically – combined with a comfortable and inviting live show is steadily drawing in audiences and critics, alike. Formed in 2008, Ex Norwegian has released two albums, Standby (2009) and Sketch (2011), both receiving praise by traditional and digital media locally, nationally and internationally, as well as their ever demanding and expanding fan base. Ex Norwegian is Roger Houdaille (vocals and guitar), Nina Souto (bass guitar and vocals), Arturo Garcia (drums and vocals) and recent additions Lucas Queiroz (guitar, vocals), Michelle Grand (vocals).
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|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 2,189
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{"url":"https:\/\/www.jstage.jst.go.jp\/article\/isijinternational\/59\/3\/59_ISIJINT-2018-623\/_html\/-char\/en","text":"ISIJ International\nOnline ISSN : 1347-5460\nPrint ISSN : 0915-1559\nISSN-L : 0915-1559\nPhysical Properties\nDislocation Characterization by the Direct-fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall (DF\/mWH) Method in Cold Worked Ferritic Steel\nSetsuo TakakiTakuro MasumuraToshihiro Tsuchiyama\nAuthor information\nJOURNALS OPEN ACCESS FULL-TEXT HTML\n\n2019 Volume 59 Issue 3 Pages 567-572\n\nDetails\nAbstract\n\nX-ray diffraction is a powerful tool for dislocation characterization, which includes evaluation of dislocation distribution, nature of dislocation, and dislocation density. In the Williamson\u2013Hall (WH) plots, the full width at half maximum (FWHM) is plotted relative to the diffraction angle for each diffraction peak and the method corresponds to the basic approach for dislocation characterization. However, the elastic anisotropy in each crystal plane makes the analysis of WH plots difficult because elastic anisotropy also affects the FWHM of diffraction peaks. In order to correct the effect of elastic anisotropy, Ung\u00e1r developed a unique methodology by using the contrast factor C, and this is termed as the modified Williamson\u2013Hall (mWH) method. Conversely, researchers developed a new methodology termed as the \u201cdirect-fitting (DF) method,\u201d in which the elastic anisotropy is corrected by directly applying the diffraction Young\u2019s modulus ratio (\u03c9). In the DF method, a linear relation is realized in the corrected WH plots, and reliable values are obtained for the parameter \u03b1 that contains information on the crystallite size. In the present study, the \u03b1-value obtained using the DF method was applied to the mWH equation, and dislocation characterization was performed in a low carbon ferritic steel (Fe-0.0056%C) by cold rolling. The results indicated that increasing the extent of cold rolling decreases the screw component of dislocation, and monotonically increases the parameter \u03c6 (which contains the information of dislocation density). Additionally, the parameter A (which depends on the dislocation arrangement) was evaluated at approximately 0.50 for cold worked ferrite.\n\n1.\u00a0Introduction\n\nWork hardening is a useful technology to realize high strength in steel and it is known as \u201cBailey\u2013Hirsch relation\u201d wherein the increments in strength are proportional to the square root of dislocation density.1) Dislocation density is identified by the total length of dislocations in unit volume, and thus it is directly measured by transmission electron microscopy when the dislocation density \u03c1 is not extremely high (\u03c1 <1014\/m2).2,3,4,5) However, it is not easy to apply the methodology using radiation diffraction in highly dislocated materials to estimate dislocation density. Williamson proposed a basic approach to evaluate the micro-strain \u03b5 that is produced by dislocations. When X-rays with a wave length \u03bb are used for diffraction analysis and a diffraction angle \u03b8 and full width at half maximum (FWHM) \u03b2 is obtained in each diffraction peak, the following Williamson\u2013Hall (WH) equation is constructed as a function of parameter K (=2sin\u03b8\/\u03bb) and \u0394K (=\u03b2cos\u03b8\/\u03bb)6) as follows:\n\n \u0394K=\u03b1+\u03b5K (1)\n\nHere, the parameter \u03b1 is dependent on the crystallite size. In poly crystalline metals, several diffraction peaks appear and K and \u0394K is obtained from each diffraction peak. Therefore, the values of parameter \u03b1 and \u03b5 are determined based on the relation between K and \u0394K. However, a linear relation is not typically obtained due to elastic anisotropy in each crystal plane {hkl}.\n\nGenerally, elastic behavior is discussed in terms of the orientation parameter \u0393 that is expressed by the following equation as a function of the Miller index {hkl} as follows:\n\n \u0393=( h 2 k 2 + k 2 l 2 + l 2 h 2 ) \/ ( h 2 + k 2 + l 2 ) 2 \u2009\u200a\u200a\u2009\u200a\u200a( 0 \u2264 _ \u0393 \u2264 _ 1\/3 ) (2)\n\nIn the case of bcc-Fe, the \u0393-value corresponds to 0 for {200}, 0.09 for {310}, 0.25 for {110} and {211}, and 1\/3 for {222}. Ung\u00e1r proposed a method to correct the elastic anisotropy in WH plots by using the contrast factor C that is given by the following equation:7)\n\n C= C h00 ( 1-q\u0393 ) (3)\nwhere Ch00 denotes the contrast factor in the crystal plane {h00} and q denotes a constant, which depends on the screw component of dislocation S (0\u2266S\u22661). This is expressed as follows:\n C h00 =( 1-S ) C h00 E +S C h00 S (4)\n\n q=( 1-S ) q E +S q S (5)\n\nSymbols E and S denote edge dislocation and screw dislocation, respectively. In the case of bcc-Fe, C h00 E = 0.256, C h00 S = 0.305, qE = 1.310, and qS = 2.647.8) Ung\u00e1r reconstructed the WH equation as follows by applying the contrast factor C. Plots of \u0394K vs. K C are termed as modified Williamson\u2013Hall (mWH) plots. The expression is as follows:\n\n \u0394K=\u03b1+\u03c6K C +O K 2 C (6)\n\nThe authors confirmed that the third term on the right-hand side of the equation is negligibly low when compared with the values of other terms,9) and thus the above equation is simplified as follows:\n\n \u0394K=\u03b1+\u03c6K C (7)\n\nHere, \u03c6 denotes the parameter that contains the information on dislocation density \u03c1 and dislocation distribution A, and it is expressed by the following equation as functions of \u03c1, A, and the magnitude of Burgers vector of dislocation b:\n\n \u03c6= ( \u03c0\/2 ) 1\/2 Ab \u03c1 (8)\n\nWe combine Eqs. (3) and (7) to obtain the following equation (mWH equation):\n\n ( \u0394K-\u03b1 ) 2 \/ K 2 = \u03c6 2 C h00 ( 1-q\u0393 ) (9)\n\nIf a reliable value is obtained for the parameter \u03b1, then the values of (\u0394K\u03b1)2\/K2 (=Y) are identically determined for each diffraction peak. In the modified Williamson\u2013Hall method, the value of parameter \u03b1 is determined to yield the optimal fit in the Y vs. \u0393 plots. The plots of Y vs. \u0393 should display a linear relation, and thus the q-value is estimated from the slope of the plots. Based on the determined q-value, the screw component S is obtained from Eq. (5). The value of parameter \u03c6 is also estimated from the value Y0 at \u0393=0 as follows:\n\n \u03c6= ( Y 0 \/ C h00 ) 1\/2 (10)\n\nConversely, authors reported that the elastic anisotropy in WH plots is precisely corrected by the parameter \u03c9, which is identified as follows:\n\n \u03c9= E hkl * \/ E 0 (11)\nwhere E*hkl denotes the diffraction Young\u2019s modulus and E0 denotes the standard Young\u2019s modulus.10) If the values of E*hkl and E0 are known, then the values of \u03c9 are obtained for each diffraction peak. However, the aforementioned values are typically unknown, and thus the authors developed a new methodology termed as the \u201cdirect-fitting (DF) method\u201d to correct the elastic anisotropy in WH plots.10) The details of the DF method are not elucidated in the present study. However, it is confirmed that the elastic anisotropy in WH plots is accurately corrected by applying the optimal \u03c9 values to the following equation:10)\n \u0394K=\u03b1+\u03b5( K\/\u03c9 ) (12)\n\nBased on the corrected WH plots of \u0394K vs. (K\/\u03c9), we can obtain an accurate value for the parameter \u03b1 as well as micro-strain \u03b5.\n\nIn the study, cold rolled ferritic steel (Fe-0.0056%C) was examined via X-ray diffraction analysis to investigate dislocation characteristics such as dislocation distribution, nature of dislocation, and dislocation density. First, the \u03b1-value was obtained using the DF method, and it was then applied in Eq. (9) to determine the values of parameter q and \u03c6. Here, the process is termed \u201cdirect-Fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall (DF\/mWH) method\u201d. Subsequently, the values of parameter A are estimated by the following equation that is reconstructed from Eq. (8):\n\n A\u22520.798\u03c6\/( b \u03c1 ) (13)\n\nThe values of dislocation density \u03c1 were already measured by the modified Williamson\u2013Hall\/Warren\u2013Averbach (mWH\/WA) method in a previous study,11) and thus they are applied to determine parameter A in Eq. (13).\n\n2.\u00a0Experimental Procedure\n\nThe material used in the investigation corresponds to a well-annealed low carbon ferritic steel (Fe-0.0056%C) with an average grain size of approximately 50 \u03bcm. The results confirmed that the annealed material exhibits random crystal orientation. Steel sheets with thickness ranging from 1.1 mm to 5 mm were cold rolled to a thickness of 1 mm and then subjected to X-ray diffraction analysis by utilizing Cu\u2013K\u03b1 (wavelength: 0.15418 nm). Specimens with a size of 15l\u00d715w\u00d71t mm were cut from the cold rolled steel sheets and then the surface of specimens was grinded using sand papers to obtain a flat surface. Subsequently, the surface of specimens was removed by 50 \u03bcm by electrolytic polishing to remove the surface layer affected by the sand paper grinding.12) The rotation speed of detector was 0.003 deg\/s. The instrumental function was corrected based on Voigt profiles analysis13) using the standard material: LaB6, (No.: SRM660c produced by NIST). The fitting index that shows the accuracy of data fitting was evaluated by the square of the Correl function. The tensile test was conducted on the JIS-13B specimens to measure the yield stress of cold rolled specimens at room temperature at a cross-head speed of 1 mm\/min.\n\n3.\u00a0Experimental Results and Discussion\n\n3.1.\u00a0Determination of Parameter \u03b1 by the Direct-Fitting Method\n\nFigure 1 shows the WH plots in 60% cold rolled specimen where FWHM is extremely high and the reliability of the analyzed result is high. The Young\u2019s modulus is extremely low in <200> and <310> direction such that \u0394K is high in {200} and {310} plane. Conversely, \u0394K is low in {222} plane because it exhibits high Young\u2019s modulus. The crystal planes corresponding to {110} and {211} exhibit middle values with respect to Young\u2019s modulus. Given this type of an elastic anisotropy, the WH plots are characterized by irregular arrangement. In order to correct the aforementioned type of elastic anisotropy, the optimal values were determined for parameter \u03c9 by the DF method.10) The obtained results are listed in Table 1 with the values of K and \u0394K.\n\nFig. 1.\n\nWilliamson\u2013Hall plots in the 60% cold rolled specimen.\n\nTable 1. Values of K, \u0394K, and parameter \u03c9hkl obtained by the direct fitting method in the 60% cold rolled specimen.\nhklK(nm\u22121)\u0394K(nm\u22121)\u03c9hklK\/\u03c9hkl\n1104.930.010150.9855.01\n2006.970.016370.7389.45\n2118.540.014780.9858.67\n31011.030.023790.81213.59\n22212.080.019121.10910.89\n\nThe corrected WH plots of \u0394K vs (K\/\u03c9) are shown in Fig. 2. The results indicate that a linear relation is realized in the corrected WH plots. In this case, the value of parameter \u03b1 was estimated as 0.0016 nm\u22121. Here, it should be noted that the reliability of data is also verified by the DF method. The scattering of corrected WH plots is mainly attributed to the measurement error corresponding to \u03b2 in the parameter \u0394K. The fitting index decreases with increases in the measurement error \u03b2. The maximization of the fitting index is desirable. In the case of Fig. 2, the fitting index is extremely high and reaches 0.989, thereby implying that the reliability of the used data is extremely high.\n\nFig. 2.\n\nCorrected Williamson\u2013Hall plots in the 60% cold rolled specimen.\n\n3.2.\u00a0Determination of Parameters q and \u03c6 by the Modified Williamson\u2013Hall Equation\n\nIn order to estimate the parameter q, the \u03b1-value (0.0016 nm\u22121) obtained by the DF method is input in the left term of Eq. (9). The values of (\u0394K\u22120.0016)2\/K2 are calculated for each {hkl} plane by applying the data in Table 1, and thus they are plotted as a function of the orientation parameter \u0393 as shown in Fig. 3. Based on the slope, the q-value is estimated as 1.621. We substitute q=1.621 in Eq. (5), and parameter S is determined as 0.233. We substitute S=0.233 in Eq. (4), and contrast factor Ch00 is determined as 0.267. Given that Y0=4.574\u00d710\u22126, parameter \u03c6 is calculated as 0.00414 from Eq. (10). It is noted that all parameters are simply obtained by the DF\/mWH method.\n\nFig. 3.\n\nRelation between the orientation parameter \u0393 and value of (\u0394K\u03b1)2\/K2 in the 60% cold rolled specimen.\n\nIn order to reconfirm the reliability of the \u03c6-value (0.00414), the mWH plots are obtained by using the above results. The mWH plots are shown in Fig. 4. Good linearity is realized between K C and \u0394K, and the slope yields the value of 0.00414 for parameter \u03c6. The value is completely identical to that obtained by the DF\/mWH method. The result supports the reasonability of the DF\/mWH method. Additionally, if the dislocation density is already known, Eq. (13) yields the value for parameter A. In the case of the 60% cold rolled specimen, the dislocation density is estimated at 5.35\u00d71014\/m2 by the mWH\/WA method,11) and thus parameter A corresponds to 0.483 in Eq. (13). In the next section, the changes in the aforementioned parameters are discussed with respect to the amount of cold working.\n\nFig. 4.\n\nModified Williamson\u2013Hall plots in the 60% cold rolled specimen.\n\n3.3.\u00a0Changes of Parameters with Cold Rolling\n\nIn this section, the DF\/mWH method is applied to several specimens with cold rolling of up to 80% thickness reduction. First, the values of parameter \u03b1 are shown in Fig. 5. The two or three plots at each rolling reduction simply correspond to the results of repeatability measurement. The \u03b1-value is in the range from 0.001 to 0.005 nm\u22121 and barely changes with increases in the amount of cold rolling. The fitting index in the DF method exceeded 0.98 in each specimen used in Fig. 5.\n\nFig. 5.\n\nValues of parameter \u03b1 that are obtained by the direct-fitting method.\n\nAs mentioned above, parameter q is obtained by inputting \u03b1-value in Eq. (9). The values of parameter q are plotted in Fig. 6. The q-value decreases with increases in the amount of cold rolling. This implies that the screw component decreases in the stored dislocations with cold working. An extant study reported that the recovery of dislocations is activated when dislocation density exceeds a critical value, namely 2\u00d71014\/m2.14) It is widely known that the recovery of dislocations mainly occurs through the cross slip of screw dislocations and the dislocation reaction, thereby leading to the disappearance of screw dislocations. Additionally, after the cross slip of screw dislocations, a pair of edge dislocations remain on the cross-slip plane. This suggests that the ratio of screw dislocation decreases through the recovery process of dislocations. Further examination is required to explain the phenomenon although it appears that the recovery of dislocations is related to the change in the screw component in the stored dislocations.\n\nFig. 6.\n\nValues of parameter q that are obtained by the direct-fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall method.\n\nAdditionally, the value of parameter \u03c6 is obtained by the DF\/mWH method as well as the q-value. Figure 7 shows the change in the \u03c6-value with cold rolling. The \u03c6-value increases with increases in the amount of cold rolling. The \u03c6-value contains information on the dislocation density, and thus it should be discussed in connection with work hardening behavior. Figure 8 shows the relation between yield stress \u03c3y and the \u03c6-value obtained in several cold rolled specimens. Although a few errors exist in the 10% cold rolled specimens, the results indicated that the linear relation holds between \u03c3y and \u03c6 and is expressed as follows:\n\n \u0394\u03c3[ GPa ]=113\u00d7\u03c6. (14)\nFig. 7.\n\nValues of parameter \u03c6 that are obtained by the direct-fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall method.\n\nFig. 8.\n\nRelation between yield stress and \u03c6-value that is obtained by the direct-fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall method in the cold rolled specimens.\n\nIn the case of the 10% cold rolled specimen, the value of FWHM in diffraction peaks is extremely low such that there are a few errors with respect to the estimated \u03c6-values. The \u03c6-value is proportional to \u03c1 as shown in Eq. (8), and thus the result in Fig. 8 suggests the Bailey\u2013Hirsh relationship with respect to the yield stress of cold rolled specimens.\n\n3.4.\u00a0Estimation of the Parameter A in Cold Worked Ferritic Steel\n\nIn a previous study,11) the dislocation density of cold rolled specimens was measured by the mWH\/WA method, and the Bailey\u2013Hirsch relation between dislocation density \u03c1 and yield stress \u03c3y was reported. The result is shown again in Fig. 9. In the figure, the results reported by other studies2,3,4,5) are also plotted. The results indicate that all data are almost on the line expressed by the following Bailey\u2013Hirsch equation:\n\n \u03c3 y [ GPa ]=0.05+18 \u03c1 \/ 10 9 . (15)\nFig. 9.\n\nBailey\u2013Hirsch relation in cold worked ferritic steels.11)\n\nAdditionally, an extant study reported that grain size affects the behaviors of dislocation introduction as well as work hardening for ferritic steels, and thus the aforementioned Bailey\u2013Hirsch relation holds for yield stress irrespective of grain size.14) Chemical composition also affects the behavior of dislocation introduction. For example, Fig. 10 shows the effect of carbon content on the Bailey\u2013Hirsch relation that was constructed using the data reported by Goldman.4) The amount of tensile deformation is identical in 0.04%C steel and decarburized steel (approximately 1\u201312% elongation). Goldman suggested that work hardening in 0.04%C steel exceeds that in decarburized steel although the dislocation density is higher in the former even at the same percentage of deformation. It is interesting that all data are around the same line in which the strengthening coefficient is identical as shown in Eq. (15). The friction stress (0.05 GPa in Eq. (15)) varied based on testing temperature, strain rate, and chemical composition of steels although the strengthening coefficient appears identical irrespective of the chemical composition and ferrite grain size. This implies that the amount of work hardening \u0394\u03c3 [Pa] is expressed identically for ferritic steel by the following equation as a function of dislocation density \u03c1 [m\u22122]:\n\n \u0394\u03c3=18 \u03c1 . (16)\nFig. 10.\n\nEffect of carbon content on the Bailey\u2013Hirsch relation in tensile-deformed ferritic steels with a grain size of 40 \u03bcm.\n\nThus, the dislocation density of cold rolled ferritic steels is estimated by the following equation that is re-expressed based on Eq. (16) as follows:\n\n \u03c1= ( \u0394\u03c3\/18 ) 2 . (17)\n\nTable 2 shows the values of dislocation density that are calculated from the yield stress of cold rolled specimens.\n\nTable 2. Dislocation density of cold rolled specimens that is calculated from the increment of yield stress \u0394\u03c3 (=\u03c3y\u22120.05).\nCold rolling (%)1020406080\n\u03c3y (GPa)0.280.340.430.460.55\n\u0394\u03c3 (GPa)0.230.290.380.410.50\n\u03c1 (\u00d71014 m\u22122)1.632.604.465.197.72\n\nBased on the results of Fig. 7 and Table 2, the parameter A is introduced by substituting the values of \u03c1 and \u03c6 into Eq. (13). The calculated results are shown in Fig. 11. The calculation error for the 10% cold rolled specimen is slightly high although the result corresponding to A\u22520.5 is obtained in the other specimens. The result indicates that A\u22520.5 is applied for cold worked ferritic steel irrespective of the amount of deformation and that the dislocation density is estimated from parameter \u03c6 by the following equation:\n\n \u03c1=2 \u03c6 2 \/(\u03c0 A 2 b 2 )\u2009\u200a\u200a\u2009\u200a\u200a\u2009\u200a\u200a\u2009\u200a\u200a\u2009\u200a\u200a( b=0.25\u00a0nm\u00a0for\u00a0Fe ) (18)\nFig. 11.\n\nValues of parameter A that are calculated from the relation between dislocation density and parameter \u03c6.\n\nIn order to verify the reliability of the above equation, the dislocation density is estimated by the mWH\/WA method for several cold rolled specimens and subsequently compared with the values calculated by Eq. (18). The result is shown in Fig. 12. The results confirm that a good correlation exists between the values obtained by the two different types of methods. Specifically, it should be noted that the value of parameter A differs based on the type of materials (for e.g., martensitic steel and cold worked austenitic steel). However, when the value of parameter A is obtained for the aforementioned metals, the same process is applied to estimate dislocation density.\n\nFig. 12.\n\nValues of dislocation density that are obtained by the modified Williamson\u2013Hall\/Warren\u2013Averbach method; \u03c1(mWH\/WA) and estimated from parameter \u03c6 by applying Eq. (18); \u03c1(\u03c6).\n\n4.\u00a0Conclusion\n\nThe following conclusions were obtained in the study:\n\n(1)\u2003The parameter \u03b1 in the Williamson\u2013Hall equation was accurately estimated by applying the direct-fitting method to Williamson\u2013Hall plots.\n\n(2)\u2003The \u03b1-value was input in the modified Williamson\u2013Hall equation, and the parameters q and \u03c6 were directly determined (direct-fitting\/modified Williamson\u2013Hall method).\n\n(3)\u2003Dislocation density was estimated from the value of parameter \u03c6 as follows:\n\n \u03c1=2 \u03c6 2 \/( \u03c0 A 2 b 2 )\n\n(4)\u2003With respect to parameter A, A\u22520.5 was obtained for cold worked ferrite irrespective of the amount of cold working.\n\nAcknowledgement\n\nThis work was supported by JSPS KAKENHI Grant Number JP15H05768. This work was also partially supported by the Research Society for quantum-beam analysis of microstructures and properties of steels, ISIJ.\n\n\u00a9 2019 by The Iron and Steel Institute of Japan\nTop","date":"2019-09-23 20:46:34","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": false, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8014923334121704, \"perplexity\": 1739.6314358090738}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.3, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2019-39\/segments\/1568514578201.99\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20190923193125-20190923215125-00559.warc.gz\"}"}
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MotionPrediction
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This is a test/demo application for time-series prediction. Use your mouse to draw a path in the window.
An MLP-based predictor will be trained with that path, and the continuation of the path will be predicted.
This application utilizes a C# implementation of an MLP.
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 101
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{"url":"http:\/\/pickeringpost.com\/story\/in-the-name-of-the-profit\/4563","text":"Thursday, 29th June 2017\n\nIf you would like to be involved or support the upkeep and further development of this site, it would be very welcome no matter how small.\n\nIN THE NAME OF THE PROFIT\n\nPart 2 (of a 12 part series)\n\nLarry Pickering\n\nFour-time Walkley Award winning political commentator and Churchill Fellow, has returned to the fray over concern that the integrity of news dissemination is continually being threatened by a partisan media.\n\nFrom the Qur\u2019an: \u201cAnd say not concerning that which your tongue says falsely: \u2018This is Halal and this is Haram\u2019, so as to invent lies against Allah. Verily, those who invent lies against Allah will never prosper... A passing brief enjoyment (will be theirs), but they will have a painful torment.\u201d (16:116-117)\n\nHalal certification has more in common with money and marketing and less to do with Islamic purity. Islamic scholars are calling the act of halal certification \u2018Bid'ah\u2019 (unlawful).\n\nBid\u2019ah in Islam is the innovation, invention, creation, or addition of any religious matter which was not originally found in Islam. For aspects of worship or ritualistic behaviours in Islam there must be something in the Qur\u2019an or the Hadith to explain and confirm its practice. The practice of \u201chalal for cash\u201d is not an Islamic practice, contrary to Islamic texts it is based on the Jewish Kosher certification.\n\n\u201cTherefore woe be unto those who write the Scripture with their hands and then say, \u2018This is from Allah,\u2019 that they may purchase a small gain therewith. \u201d(2:79)\n\nI will examine later in more detail the Islamic explanation of why halal certification is \u2018Bid\u2019ah\u2019 and also \u2018Sh\u2019irk\u2019 (sin of idolatry).\n\nA halal stamp on a product is branding for a market. Fees for halal are the payment of royalties for a logo.\n\nIn Australia, although the market is miniscule (just 2.2% of the population is Muslim) over 80% of our supermarket items are now halal certified. Within that small percentage, many Muslims do not strictly observe halal anyway, just as there are many Christians who do not go to church regularly, if at all.\n\nTwo Muslims I spoke to in the takeaway and wholesale food business freely said they don\u2019t strictly observe halal but they are happy to meet the demands of their customers who do.\n\nOne who refuses to pay the halal tax (yes, a Muslim) obtained a letter from his local mosque for a modest, one-off agreed donation to the mosque. The Imam had simply visited the meat suppliers to check that they were halal certified. This smart Muslim businessman cut out the middleman. So you don\u2019t need to pay royalties for a trademarked logo. Apparently an official letter from your mosque will have the same effect, for a one-off small donation.\n\nAround 500 Australian companies have signed up to the certificates and stamps. This number has fluctuated annually, mostly upwards\u2026 until now. The peak seems to have passed as businesses are now waking up despite a growing number of small restaurants and takeaways becoming halal certified and paying the tax.\n\nThe halal money is either used for the personal benefit of a few, who are in it purely for profit, or in some cases it is used to expand the growth of Islam in host countries via donations to schools and mosques or Islamic \u201ccharities\u201d. Some of this charity money finds its way overseas for \u201cIslamic causes\u201d or it simply funds the growth of Islam in general.\n\nFood company executives have jumped on the bandwagon for one reason only; a potential increase in sales.\n\nThey see a potential market and so they pay up, passing the costs on to their end customers, effectively adding a religious food, goods and services tax to the item(s). They are often coerced by the moneymen with promises of future export markets, even if the company executive has not checked that moneyman has the proper accreditation for export markets.\n\n(note to executives; check with the Department of Agriculture before you sign up to halal certification.)\n\nOne Australian meat exporter, who asked not to be named, was conned into paying an undercut rate of $40,000 pa (saving$10,000) in halal accreditation fees only to find out when his goods arrived in Indonesia that the certifier was a fraud and not accredited. The exporter not only had to pay the Indonesian accredited MUI agency as well but was charged loaded back-fees for the period he was \u201cillegally\u201d accredited.\n\nCertifiers may be limited to one specialist market, or all markets. Others, as is usually the case, are not approved for any export market (where the really big money is available).\n\nExecutives are mostly unaware or don\u2019t care that they\u2019ve been caught up in misleading interpretations of Islamic teachings. But most are becoming aware of the growing consumer blowback, with some opting out of the fees and some deleting or obscuring the halal logo leaving consumers unaware of what they are supporting.\n\nThe choice for company executives is this: Either pay the certification fees and risk eroding decades of customer goodwill, or drop out of this miniscule domestic Muslim market altogether.\n\nThe export halal market does have enormous benefits to the Australia economy, but that\u2019s not where the controversy lies. Of course there is controversy over the cruel method of killing livestock, but the real anger we are concerned with is in the domestic market\u2026 consumers paying out at the checkout in order to fund Islamic schools and mosques and the business bank accounts of the private halal \u201ccertifiers\u201d. Surely we should have a choice in what we decide to fund or support!\n\nIslamic scholars overseas angrily accuse halal certifiers of redefining food (and non-food items and services) as haram, then requiring food producers to pay monthly instalments for a certificate that converts everything to halal, despite the fact that everything was already halal.\n\nBut this study of the halal certification scam reveals it\u2019s less contrived than that.\n\nHOW THE SCAM WORKS\n\nThe moneymen are moving through markets, selecting permissible foods, goods and services then selling stamps and certificates to confirm these goods etc ARE permissible. It\u2019s akin to saying it\u2019s permissible to breathe air, so we will sell you a stamp and a certificate to prove that breathing air actually IS permissible, then charge you an annual\u00a0fee.\n\nThe promise is to make both the certifier and the producer richer with the end consumer funding the entire rort.\n\nThis is no different to a self-appointed consumer law advocate travelling door-to-door offering businesses a certificate and stamp to label their products \u201clegal\u201d even though their products are in fact already legal... and everyone already knows it. Remember, halal means \u201cpermissible\u201d or \u201clawful\u201d to Muslims.\n\nHalal Food? It\u2019s already lawful! So please pay a monthly fee so you can tell everyone it is indeed lawful. WTF?\n\nWater? Lawful? Yep, \u2018fraid so. So pay up.\n\nLawful foods like honey, nuts, grains, milk and yes, even water are all now \u2018halal certified\u2019 with stamps and fees paid, simply to tell Muslims these items are \u201cpermissible\u201d when they already know they are. And anyway WTF should that have to do with we Aussies?\n\nThe moneymen are profiting from a fraud, while not producing a damned thing. It\u2019s the ultimate scam, powered by incorrect definitions of religious teachings.\n\nThe already \u201cpermissible\u201d list is growing by the week. Plastic containers are now \u201chalal permissible\u201d, so is cutlery, cleaning products, cosmetics, perfumes, fragrances and pharmaceuticals. New targets include packaging materials such as tin cans, drums, plastic bottles, moving on to clothing, white goods, cars, toys, tools, holidays, services and building products.\n\nAnything that touches food or touches hands that touch food has to be approved... for a fee of course. Incredibly, even trucking companies delivering foodstuffs are now being successfully targeted.\n\nTo operate a Halal certification business in Australia requires no Islamic qualification. Any Muslim can do it, and many are. A business model like this has the potential to make millions for slick, smooth-talking certifiers like Mohamed El-Mouelhy.\n\nThis Australian certifier, who has been accused by Islamic clerics in Indonesia of not having the right credentials for halal certification, (he is neither an Islamic law expert nor food scientist) states on his own \u201chalal helpline\u201d website:\n\nHALAL CONCEPT By Mohamed El-Mouelhy:\n\n\u201cFor a product to be Halal it must be as a whole and in part:\n\n1. Free of, and not containing any substance or ingredient taken or extracted from a haram animal or ingredient.\n\n2. Made processed, produced, manufactured and\/or stored by using utensils, equipment and\/or machinery that has been cleansed according to Islamic law.\n\nHe goes on to say, \u201cMust never have come into contact with, touch or be close to a haram substance during preparation, making, production, manufacture, processing and\/or storage.\u201d\n\nIs this bloke serious? The Qur\u2019an says no such thing, which is why the certifier does not quote the Qur\u2019an. Where is the Islamic law that he refers to regarding food that is \u201cprocessed, produced, manufactured and\/or stored by using utensils, equipment and\/or machinery\u201d?\n\nWhere is the Islamic law saying food \u201cmust never have come into contact with, touch or be close to a haram substance during preparation, making, production, manufacture, processing and\/or storage.\u201d? Of course there is no such law!\n\nIt is not Islamic law, it is Mr Mohamed\u2019s love affair with money talking. Mohamed El-Mouelhy has just made the whole thing up!\n\nThe Qur\u2019an states everything is permissible and lists only a few dietary exceptions. It\u2019s about consumption. There is no mention of utensils, machinery or cleaning. In Islam no man can make a law above Allah\u2019s law. This is Bid\u2019ah and haram.\n\nGETTING HIGH ON HALAL INTOXICANTS\n\nOne clear example in the Qur\u2019an concerns \u201cintoxicants\u201d:\n\nQuran 5:90\n\u201cO you who have believed, indeed, intoxicants (alcohol), gambling, [sacrificing on] stone altars [to other than Allah], and divining arrows are but defilement from the work of Satan, so avoid it that you may be successful.\u201d\n\nDefinition of an intoxicant\n\u201cNoun in\u2022tox\u2022i\u2022cant \\in-?t\u00e4k-si-k?nt\\ something (such as an acoholic drink) that causes people to become excited or confused and less able to control what they say or do: an intoxicating substance.\u201d\n\nIt is haram to consume alcohol (and drugs). This is for the purpose of clarity of mind (ie. do not get drunk or drugged) so one should not succumb to haram acts. The moneymen go several steps further to halal certify a cleaning product because it contains alcohol or Vegemite because it contains yeast.\n\nCommon sense tells all Muslims that cleaning a benchtop with a cleaner containing alcohol, or spreading Vegemite on toast, will not get you drunk or stoned. This underscores why domestic halal certification is nothing more than an outrageous scam.\n\nVegemite is a food paste made from leftover brewers' yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives including salt. Vegemite contains no alcohol and no intoxicants. It is already halal without needing permission from the moneymen\u2026 much less charge a fee to claim what it already is!\n\nBut once the moneymen discovered the distant link to breweries, this Australian iconic brand was targeted.\n\nVegemite states on its website:\n\u201cVEGEMITE is certified Halal by The Australian Federation of Islamic Councils. VEGEMITE is made on a dedicated production line and does not contain or come into contact with any animal derived ingredients and the yeast in the product has been processed to ensure the product is alcohol free.\u201d\n\nSo there you have it. You won\u2019t get smashed or sustain a hangover ingesting Vegemite. Does the Kraft mob really need to pay a fee for that illuminating information? The certifiers will tell you they do.\n\nBut it doesn\u2019t stop there, Coopers Brewery has also been hit, because of \u201cmalt\u201d extract. You won\u2019t get drunk or stoned on malt, or hops either.\n\nIronically, highly paid western entertainers and Eastern European prostitutes returning from Islamic countries over the years tell sordid tales of Middle Eastern Muslim-only night clubs drowning in illicit drugs and every alcoholic drink known to the West, and more.\n\nWesterners are not permitted in these Muslim-only clubs, except for the purpose of providing sex and entertainment. Naturally, the wives also are banned from these depraved dens of iniquity.\n\nThe Muslim nightclub kingpins of the Mid-East justify their intake of alcoholic intoxicants to the bewildered entertainers by explaining, \u201cWhen it is night, Allah cannot see us. And what Allah cannot see, Allah\u00a0cannot know.\u201d (wink)\n\nThe worst of the worst Australian ISIS recruits are Kings Cross nightclub party boys with histories of drugs and drinking before getting seduced by the lure of multiple decapitations and\u00a0sex slavery before heading off to be \u201cforeign fighters\u201d in the holy name of Islam.\n\nThe Taliban, the Islamic fundamentalist former government of Afghanistan was also one of the world\u2019s biggest sources of intoxicants \u2013 opium poppies grown for the world\u2019s heroin markets.\n\nThe Taliban controls 96% of Afghanistan's poppy fields and opium still remains its biggest source of income. Taxes on opium exports became the backbone of its war economy and was curiously ignored by the US military. Close to all the world\u2019s heroin is still grown in Afghanistan.\n\nIn Australia, our biggest and worst drug manufacturers and suppliers are so well organised they have attracted their own police crime unit - The Middle Eastern Organised Crime Squad (MEOCS). No prizes for guessing what religion is at the core of these producers and dealers in \u201cintoxicants\u201d (heroin, ice, fantasy, ecstasy\/MDMA etc).\n\nFormer NSW detective, Tim Priest was one of the front-line cops who led the war against crime in the drug-ridden streets of south-west Sydney suburbs. In his own words, Priest states,\n\n\u201cI believe that the rise of Middle Eastern organised crime in Sydney will have an impact on society unlike anything we have ever seen.\n\n\u201cIn the early 1980s, as a young detective I was attached to the Drug Squad at the old CIB. I remember executing a search warrant at Croydon, where we found nearly a pound of heroin. I know that sounds very familiar; however, what set this heroin apart was that it was Beaker Valley Heroin, markedly different from any heroin I had seen. Number Four heroin from the golden triangle of South East Asia is nearly always off white, almost pure diamorphine. This heroin was almost brown.\n\n\u201cBut more remarkable were the occupants of the house. They were very recent arrivals from Lebanon, and from the moment we entered the premises, we wrestled and fought with the male occupants, were abused and spat at by the women and children, and our search took five times longer because of the impediments placed before us by the occupants, including the women hiding heroin in babies\u2019 nappies and on themselves and refusing to be searched by policewomen because of religious beliefs. We had never encountered these problems before.\n\n\u201cAs was the case in those days, we arrested every adult and teenager who had hampered our search. When it came to court, they were represented by Legal Aid of course, who claimed that these people were innocent of the minor charges of public disorder and hindering police, because they were recent arrivals from a country where people have an historical hatred towards police, and that they also had poor communications skills and that the police had not executed the warrant in a manner that was acceptable to the Muslim occupants.\u201d\n\nMostafa Rashed, Imam of a Sydney mosque in Australia, made a religious edict in 2014 that wine is not banned in Islam. Rashed considers Qur\u2019anic verses merely ban drunkenness, not the wine itself.\n\nIn a talk show aired on the privately-owned Al-Tahrir TV channel in December 2014, Rashed said that the Prophet\u2019s rulings on the banning of wine are weak, thus it\u2019s not mandatory to follow them. He said in his edict that a small amount of wine does not lead to drunkenness and that heaven includes, \u201crivers of wine\u201d.\n\nYet Vegemite has to be halal certified because it contains non-alcoholic leftover yeast from breweries!\n\nOn the \u2018Halal Helpline\u2019 of self-styled Australian halal \u201ccertifier\u201d, Mohamed El Mouelhy, it states:\n\n\u201cThus the consumption of Haram foods and drinks may have undesirable effects on the above mentioned factors.\n\n\u201cIn the context of our daily food intake, any foodstuff that causes, or has the potential to cause, any negative effect to the mind, spirit, integrity and health, is Haram. The habitual consumption of Haram foods may be manifested by the exhibition of impure spirit, unsound mind, impairment of personal character and unhealthy body.\n\n\u201cApart from ensuring the cleanliness of foodstuffs, Islam prohibits the usage of any materials that are detrimental to spiritual or mental well-being of a person, such as alcoholic drinks, drugs, etc.\u201d\n\nThe clear conclusion here is that intoxicants are open to varying connotations depending on the agenda and potential profit. Interpretations on the evils of \u201cintoxicants\u201d can be flexibly pragmatic where money is involved.\n\nMuslims can be serious suppliers and users of heavy intoxicants while Vegemite contains the \u201cintoxicant\u201d yeast, which must meet approval by Islamic moneymen before being allowed to enter household pantries.\n\nThe halal moneymen are treating both Muslims and infidels as ignoramuses. They consider fellow Muslims to be idiots who cannot decipher what is halal without paying for a halal stamp.\n\nApparently it\u2019s only Muslims of the past 10 years or so who have become so uneducated, because for the past 1400 years Muslims haven\u2019t needed a stamp, yet lived and thrived quite well according to Islamic law.\n\nAnd the infidels? Well, what would they know? They are stupid enough to be paying up anyway.\n\nSome apparently smart and knowledgeable Muslim shop owners tell me they don\u2019t need to pay fees for stamps as their Muslim customers already know exactly what is halal. If there are doubts, they ask. No stamps or fees required.\n\nMr Mohamed El Mouelhy is business owner of the \u201cHalal Certification Authority Pty Ltd\u201d (he has no authority) admitted to \u201cToday Tonight\u201d in May 2012, \u201cYou are eating halal day and night. When you go to Woolworths you are eating halal, when you go to Coles you are eating halal, when you go to Benjamin Franklin (he probably means Franklins) you are eating halal\u2026\n\n\u201cIf you don\u2019t want to eat halal, live on pork and wine, because even water is halal.\u201d\n\nHere he is brazenly admitting (nearly) everything is halal already, (and doesn\u2019t need halal certification, but it is all being certified by him and his fellow certifiers anyway). And yes, some commercial water is halal certified.\n\nThis is a scandal the Australian media have so far refused to look at seriously. Our politicians are starting to take notice only because they now have to as angry and frustrated constituents are demanding action and the halal certification fees scam is electorally significant.\n\nNext : \u2018HALAL FOR CASH\u2019 - CORRUPTION AND BRIBERY IN OUR BIGGEST EXPORT MARKET\n\nI\u2019m Henry Donald by name. I live in CANADA, i want to use this medium to alert all loan seekers to be very careful because there are scam everywhere. Few months ago, I was financially strained, and due to my desperation I was scammed by several online lenders. I had almost lost hope until a friend of mine referred me to a very reliable lender called HENRY LOANS COMPANY FROM USA who lend me an unsecured loan of \\$50,000 under 3hours without any stress. If you are in need of any kind of loan just contact him now via:( [email\u00a0protected]) I\u2018m using this medium to alert all loan seekers because of the hell I passed through in the hands of those fraudulent lenders. And I don\u2019t wish even my enemy to pass through such hell that I passed through in the hands of those fraudulent online lend\n\nEsau\/Edom, and the Trail of the Serpent - VI - Bible Believers\n\nhttp:\/\/www.biblebelievers.org.au\/bb981014.htm\n\nThus, Esau\/Edom was absorbed by marriage into the Canaanite race. ..... the Ashkenazim Rothschilds, whose name means \"Red Shield\" signifying Edom, or the ...\n\nJEW\u2122 A three letter word, that has been a \u2018block of stumbling\u2019 to the worlds understanding, since the 18th century. SEE Also SEE With many years of study, research and OBSERVATION I have found that, that word is part of a far reaching Diabolical Plot, and that word has been one of the most effective tools in achieving the Goals of those that want to bring about Global Despotism, aka. The N.W.O. In fact, that word, with all of it\u2019s built in deceptions, led to the N.W.O.s Crowning Achievement, the State of ISRAEL!\n\nhttps:\/\/edomsthorn.wordpress.com\/2013\/01\/28\/edom-the-story-of-jacob-and-esau-is-not-just-a-stor\/\n\nRomans 9:22-26:-\n\"What if God, willing to show His wrath, and to make His power known, endured with much longsuffering the vessels of wrath fitted to destruction (like Esau\/Edom): so He might reveal the riches of His glory on the vessels of mercy, whether Israelites or Gentiles? As He said in Hosea 2:23, \"I will call them My people, which were not My people (Gentiles); and her beloved, which was not beloved. And it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, \"You are not My people; there shall they be called the children of the living God.\"\n\nRogers and Hammerstein were Jewish song writers.\n\nBorn to hate and die to hate, great way to live ones life. You spend a life time on the planet and you have achieved nothing, absolutely nothing but reinforce your hatred, because some tosser 1400 years ago thought it was a good idea at the time. Not too bright; that is why your life is so unproductive, so wasted, so futile, and when you die there aren't 72 virgins awaiting you, just sheep or goats, same love, just a different location.\n\nYou've got to be taught\nTo hate and fear,\nYou've got to be taught\nFrom year to year,\nIt's got to be drummed\nYou've got to be carefully taught.\n\nYou've got to be taught to be afraid\nOf people whose eyes are oddly made,\nAnd people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,\nYou've got to be carefully taught.\n\nYou've got to be taught before it's too late,\nBefore you are six or seven or eight,\nTo hate all the people your relatives hate,\nYou've got to be carefully taught\n\nhttp:\/\/www.lyricsmode.com\/lyrics\/r\/rodgers_and_hammerstein\/youve_got_to_be_carefully_taught.html\n\nV. THE NEED TO HATE AND TO BE HATED\nEven in the 21st century, Israeli children are taught to sing \u201cThe Whole World is Against Us\u201d(\u201cHa\u2019olam Ku\u2019lo heg\u2019denu\u201d). We have not only David M. Weinberg\u2019s defense of the \u201cshfoch hamatcha\u201d prayer, but even Rabbi Meir Y. Soloveichik, \u201cThe Virtue of Hate,\u201d First Things, Feb. 2003 (available online) (\u201cWhen hate is appropriate, then it is not only virtuous, but essential for Jewish well-being\u201d). Soloveichik is not a fringe figure. He is a member of an exceedingly eminent Orthodox rabbinical family. When he wrote the article he was resident scholar at the Jewish Center in Manhattan and a Beren fellow at Yeshiva University, and was studying the philosophy of religion at the Yale Divinity School.\nNote the words \u201cessential for Jewish well-being.\u201d The \u201cvirtue of hate\u201d seems to come of a positive need to be hated. The widely-published Rabbi Dr. Dan Cohn-Sher-bok, professor of Jewish history at the University of Wales (Lampeter) and author of The Paradox of Anti-Semitism (2006), says in an interview with the Independent(U.K.), March 19, 2006 (available online) that: \u201cJews need enemies in order to survive. . . . [I]n the absence of Jew-hatred, Judaism is undergoing a slow death. . . . We want to be loved, and we want Judaism to survive intact. . . . [T]hese are incompatible desires. . . . Why do we endure? Because we\u2019re hated.\u201d (Emphases added.)\nCohn-Sherbok says of a founder of Zionism, Theodor Herzl: \u201cHe warned that if our Christian hosts were to leave us in peace for two generations, the Jews would merge entirely into surrounding races.\u201d Id. Herzl also wrote in his conclusion to Der Judenstaat (1896): \u201cUniversal brotherhood is not even a beautiful dream. Antagonism is essential to man\u2019s greatest efforts.\u201d\nIn his book (p. 209) Cohn-Sherbok says that \u201cin the past ultra-Orthodox Jewish leaders were profoundly aware of this dynamic.\u201d One of his examples is Schneur Zalman of Lyady, the first Lubavitch Rebbe and author of the Tanya (1796), the fundamental book of the Habbad movement, whose first chapter famously concludes by saying gentile souls \u201ccontain no good whatever.\u201d [ix] In 1812, Zalman worked with the anti-Semitic Czar Alexander I to defeat Napoleon. He feared Napoleon would liberate the Jews, who might expect to benefit materially\u2014although that\u2019s a much-disputed calculation\u2014but whose souls would be lost to assimilation and intermarriage.\nSimilarly, according to Ha\u2019aretz, June 3, 2004 (available online), \u201cin the mid-19th century, Rabbi [Samson Raphael] Hirsch, the leader of Germany\u2019s Orthodox Jews, wrote that anti-Semitism is the tool through which the God of Israel preserves his people.\u201d In 1958, Rabbi Dr. Nahum Goldmann, then president of the World Jewish Congress, com-plained that the \u201ccurrent decline of overt anti-Semitism might constitute a new danger to Jewish survival,\u201d one that \u201chas had a very negative effect on our internal life.\u201d In 1957, Leo Pfeffer, then counsel to the same organization, said much the same. As to both, see Alfred M. Lilienthal, The Zionist Connection II, p. 412 (1982). See also Charles E. Silberman, A Certain People, p. 165 (1985):\n\u201cFor all that we are preoccupied by the damage once done to us by our enemies, we are still more concerned by the curse of friendship we now encounter,\u201d Leonard Fein, editor and publisher of Moment magazine, told the Conference of Jewish Communal Service in 1980. . . . \u201cDeep down\u2014and sometimes not so very deep\u2014we still believe that we depended on the pogroms and persecutions to keep us a people, that we have not the fiber to withstand the lures of a genuinely open society.\u201d (Emphasis added.)\nHannah Arendt says of this whole line of thinking, in The Origins of Totali-tarianism, p. 7 (1973 ed.), that \u201c. . . eternal anti-Semitism would imply an eternal guarantee of Jewish [corporate] existence. This superstition is a secularized travesty of the idea of eternity inherent in a faith in chosenness.\u201d\nhttp:\/\/www.thepeoplesvoice.org\/TPV3\/Voices.php\/2009\/05\/26\/holocaust-holodomor-origins-of-anti-semi?page=2\n\nI see your side, it wears a swastika. Go home, Iron your Lederhausen and your brown shirt.\n\nMy Granddad's both said it was nothing, it just had to be done. Both survived the German occupation, with my mothers Father decorated for his resistance work by the then Prince Bernhard...who flew Bombers in the RAF. My other Grandfather for his troubles got torn up by a wagon coupling when a train rolled over him. Anything to fuck up the Nazis.\n\nWow what a proud heritage FNG. I'm proud of my dad and uncle who did their bit but nothing so derring do.\n\nhttps:\/\/thetruthisstrangerthanfiction.wordpress.com\/2014\/09\/16\/isis-and-the-greater-israel-project\/\n\nISIS and The Greater Israel Project\u2026\n\nRecently, I learned about a fascinating document titled \u201cA Strategy for Israel in the Nineteen Eighties\u201d by Israeli journalist Oded Yinon. The article originally appeared in Kivunim (Directions), the journal of the Department of Information of the World Zionist Organization, and essentially outlines the Israeli plan to gain total hegemony in the region and eventually achieve the realization of \u201cGreater Israel\u201d.\n\nThe foreward to the translation of this document, written by Israel Shahak, outlines the main points projected by the body of the piece:\n\n1. The idea that all the Arab states should be broken down, by Israel, into small units, occurs again and again in Israeli strategic thinking. For example, Ze\u2019ev Schiff, the military correspondent of Ha\u2019aretz (and probably the most knowledgeable in Israel, on this topic) writes about the \u201cbest\u201d that can happen for Israeli interests in Iraq: \u201cThe dissolution of Iraq into a Shi\u2019ite state, a Sunni state and the separation of the Kurdish part\u201d (Ha\u2019aretz 6\/2\/1982). Actually, this aspect of the plan is very old.\n\n2. The strong connection with Neo-Conservative thought in the USA is very prominent, especially in the author\u2019s notes. But, while lip service is paid to the idea of the \u201cdefense of the West\u201d from Soviet power, the real aim of the author, and of the present Israeli establishment is clear: To make an Imperial Israel into a world power. In other words, the aim of Sharon is to deceive the Americans after he has deceived all the rest.\n\n3. It is obvious that much of the relevant data, both in the notes and in the text, is garbled or omitted, such as the financial help of the U.S. to Israel. Much of it is pure fantasy. But, the plan is not to be regarded as not influential, or as not capable of realization for a short time. The plan follows faithfully the geopolitical ideas current in Germany of 1890-1933, which were swallowed whole by Hitler and the Nazi movement, and determined their aims for East Europe. Those aims,\n\nespecially the division of the existing states, were carried out in 1939-1941, and only an alliance on the global scale prevented their consolidation for a period of time.\n\nNow, as you start to understand this tactic of breaking up the surrounding Arab states and keeping them in a perpetual, weakened state of sectarian fighting and borderline anarchy, the recent developments of all that has occurred in the Middle East since 9\/11, and the sudden appearance of the latest terrorist boogeyman \u201cISIS\u201d, start to make a lot more sense\u2026.\n\nAnd not just Jews, Bomber Pilots, Agents, all went through his jailcell to freedom.\n\nActually it was Commando Comics - LOL, Apart from the bit about my grandfather, that actually happened during the German attempt to repell the D Day landings. Oh yes and my mother's father was a Police Officer (this is going to upset you so much) he would arrest Jews and put them in goal on trumped up charges, so the Gestapo couldn't hind them and get to them. Then he would spirit them out of the country through the underground. So stick that little tip bit up your Nazi Arse and rotate.\n\nMein Gott! Du bist tsu dar eine Swinehunde. Oh how we laughed when my Grandfather drove a troop train full of Waffen SS into a Panzer Mark iV, he survived many of the Nazi curs didn't....Gott mit Uns...Nazi\n\nGo Goose step up your own arse.\n\nhttp:\/\/blogs.timesofisrael.com\/jews-do-control-the-media\/\n\"....We Jews are a funny breed. We love to brag about every Jewish actor. Sometimes we even pretend an actor is Jewish just because we like him enough that we think he deserves to be on our team. We brag about Jewish authors, Jewish politicians, Jewish directors. Every time someone mentions any movie or book or piece of art, we inevitably say something like, \u201cDid you know that he was Jewish?\u201d That\u2019s just how we roll.\nWe\u2019re a driven group, and not just in regards to the art world. We have, for example, AIPAC, which was essentially constructed just to drive agenda in Washington DC. And it succeeds admirably. And we brag about it. Again, it\u2019s just what we do.\nBut the funny part is when any anti-Semite or anti-Israel person starts to spout stuff like, \u201cThe Jews control the media!\u201d and \u201cThe Jews control Washington!\u201d\nSuddenly we\u2019re up in arms. We create huge campaigns to take these people down. We do what we can to put them out of work. We publish articles. We\u2019ve created entire organizations that exist just to tell everyone that the Jews don\u2019t control nothin\u2019. No, we don\u2019t control the media, we don\u2019t have any more sway in DC than anyone else. No, no, no, we swear: We\u2019re just like everybody else!\nDoes anyone else (who\u2019s not a bigot) see the irony of this?\nLet\u2019s be honest with ourselves, here, fellow Jews. We do control the media. We\u2019ve got so many dudes up in the executive offices in all the big movie production companies it\u2019s almost obscene. Just about every movie or TV show, whether it be \u201cTropic Thunder\u201d or \u201cCurb Your Enthusiasm,\u201d is rife with actors, directors, and writers who are Jewish. Did you know that all eight major film studios are run by Jews?\nRead more: Jews DO control the media | Manny Friedman | Ops & Blogs | The Times of Israel http:\/\/blogs.timesofisrael.com\/jews-do-control-the-media\/#ixzz2wwc6hvne\n\nFuck off Goebbels.\n\nRothschild financed petro-dollars in the coffers of the Saudi family\n\nThe 'House' of Saud \u2014 no more Islamic than Billy Graham\n......In The Two Faces of Islam, Stephen Schwartz writes, \"Their tastes led them to taverns, casinos, brothels ... They bought fleets of automobiles, private jets, and yachts the size of warships. They invested in valuable Western art they did not understand or like and which often offended the sensitivities of Wahhabi clerics. They spent as they wished, becoming patrons of international sexual enslavement and the exploitation of children.\" The result has been that, in order to nonetheless appear to be espousing Islam, the Saudi regime and its puppet scholars have evolved a version of Islam that emphasizes ceremonial details of the religion, at the expense of helping to understand broader political realities. Their manner has encouraged a literal interpretation of Islamic law, permitting the likes of bin Laden to exploit the Koran to justify the killing of innocents.\nUltimately, the profusion of Rothschild financed petro-dollars in the coffers of the Saudi family has made it possible for them to propagandize their bastardized version of Islam to other parts of the world, most notably to America, where they purportedly subsidize up to 80 percent of the mosques in the country, a version of Islam that substitutes political awareness for dogmatic insistence on ritualistic fanaticism.\n\nIn 1999 King Fahd of Saudi Arabia attended the Bilderberg meeting, presumably to discuss his role in furthering the interests of world government, along with other such luminaries as Yasser Arafat and the Pope. Evidently, the Saudi family are part of the deceptive ploys of the Illuminati network. Their complicity in the accumulation of petro-dollars has gone into the financing of global terrorism, from Afghanistan to Bosnia, merely for the purpose of fomenting the necessary animosity of the world against Islam.\n\nhttp:\/\/www.serendipity.li\/wot\/livingstone.htm\n\nRabbi Kenneth Aaron Kanter wrote in 1982:\u201cIn the history of American popular music, each period of development has been dominated by a single group. For the years 1910 through 1940, that group was the Jews\u2026\n\u201cPopular songs were soaked in the wailing of the synagogue cantorial. The Yiddish singing style, with the cry in the voice and the heart on the sleeve, was typified by A1 Jolson, Norah Bayes, and Sophie Tucker, the vaudeville stars who made the Tin Pan Alley songs into hits. They fused Yiddishisms into all-Americanisms\u2026\n\n\u201cThe vaudeville circuit-by 1910 already 2,000 theatres strong-was largely dominated by Jews. The Shubert brothers-Sam, Lee, and Jakewere the sons of a Lithuanian peddler named David Szemanski who came to America in the late 1880\u2019s.\n\u201cThe nightclub business was invented by a Jew, Jack Levy, who in 1907 induced several restaurants at which he was a patron to accept singers as entertainers during eating hours.\n\u201cThe nightclub became a new place for songs to be heard and another place where Jews played important roles.\n\u201cMarcus Loewe, Adolph Zukor, and Martin Beck (Morris Meyerfeld), who founded the Orpheum circuit, all were founders of the Hollywood movie industry as well. They were joined by Louis B. Mayer, Samuel Goldwyn, the Selznicks, William Fox, and the Warner brothers.\u201d[14]\n\n[14] Aaron Kanter, Jews on Tin Pan Alley: The Jewish Contribution to American Popular Music, 1830-1940 (New York: KTAV Publishing House, 1982), 5, 6.\n\nhttp:\/\/www.gospelhall.org\/bible\/bible.php?search=c&dict=amtract\n\nRothschild financed petro-dollars in the coffers of the Saudi family\n\nThe 'House' of Saud \u2014 no more Islamic than Billy Graham\n......In The Two Faces of Islam, Stephen Schwartz writes, \"Their tastes led them to taverns, casinos, brothels ... They bought fleets of automobiles, private jets, and yachts the size of warships. They invested in valuable Western art they did not understand or like and which often offended the sensitivities of Wahhabi clerics. They spent as they wished, becoming patrons of international sexual enslavement and the exploitation of children.\" The result has been that, in order to nonetheless appear to be espousing Islam, the Saudi regime and its puppet scholars have evolved a version of Islam that emphasizes ceremonial details of the religion, at the expense of helping to understand broader political realities. Their manner has encouraged a literal interpretation of Islamic law, permitting the likes of bin Laden to exploit the Koran to justify the killing of innocents.\nUltimately, the profusion of Rothschild financed petro-dollars in the coffers of the Saudi family has made it possible for them to propagandize their bastardized version of Islam to other parts of the world, most notably to America, where they purportedly subsidize up to 80 percent of the mosques in the country, a version of Islam that substitutes political awareness for dogmatic insistence on ritualistic fanaticism.\n\nIn 1999 King Fahd of Saudi Arabia attended the Bilderberg meeting, presumably to discuss his role in furthering the interests of world government, along with other such luminaries as Yasser Arafat and the Pope. Evidently, the Saudi family are part of the deceptive ploys of the Illuminati network. Their complicity in the accumulation of petro-dollars has gone into the financing of global terrorism, from Afghanistan to Bosnia, merely for the purpose of fomenting the necessary animosity of the world against Islam.\n\nhttp:\/\/www.serendipity.li\/wot\/livingstone.htm","date":"2017-06-29 12:32:26","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.19154594838619232, \"perplexity\": 8034.706159974951}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": false, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2017-26\/segments\/1498128323970.81\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20170629121355-20170629141355-00648.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Private excursions for one or 100. We cook up custom itineraries and help you discover all that makes the Yucatan so special.
Lawsons Original Yucatan Excursions - Welcome!
Oh, the things you will see! People, food, history and culture; Yucatan has it all! Click on the menu bar at the top right (that little stack of horizontal lines) to see the rest of the website. Enjoy!
Thanks to all our lovely guests who have helped us achieve the 2016 and 2017 Certificates of Excellence.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 6,832
|
#pragma once
#include <aws/lookoutequipment/LookoutEquipment_EXPORTS.h>
#include <aws/core/utils/memory/stl/AWSString.h>
namespace Aws
{
namespace LookoutEquipment
{
namespace Model
{
enum class DataUploadFrequency
{
NOT_SET,
PT5M,
PT10M,
PT15M,
PT30M,
PT1H
};
namespace DataUploadFrequencyMapper
{
AWS_LOOKOUTEQUIPMENT_API DataUploadFrequency GetDataUploadFrequencyForName(const Aws::String& name);
AWS_LOOKOUTEQUIPMENT_API Aws::String GetNameForDataUploadFrequency(DataUploadFrequency value);
} // namespace DataUploadFrequencyMapper
} // namespace Model
} // namespace LookoutEquipment
} // namespace Aws
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 2,884
|
With advanced technologies and facilities, strict quality control, reasonable price, superior service and close co-operation with customers, we are devoted to providing the best value for Assembly Fasteners Inc , assembly fasteners inc , assembly fasteners , We constantly regard the technology and clients as the uppermost. We often get the job done hard to develop great values for our buyers and supply our buyers superior products and solutions & services.
"We constantly think and practice corresponding to the change of circumstance, and grow up. We aim at the achievement of a richer mind and body along with the living for Assembly Fasteners Inc , assembly fasteners inc , assembly fasteners , They're durable modeling and promoting effectively all over the world. Under no circumstances disappearing major functions in a quick time it's a really should in your case of excellent good quality. Guided by the principle of "Prudence Efficiency Union and Innovation. the company make a terrific efforts to expand its international trade raise its company profit and raise its export scale. We're confident that we've been planning to possess a vibrant prospect and to be distributed all over the world within the years to come.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 500
|
{"url":"http:\/\/mathhelpforum.com\/pre-calculus\/223271-domain-function-help.html","text":"# Thread: domain of function help\n\n1. ## domain of function help\n\nThe domain of a function f is the largest subset of R at which f can be defined. write the domain of the following function in interval notation i.e using\n\n[,(,),] , U n , \\\n\n$f(x) = \\sqrt{(x+2)}$\n\n$f(x) = tan \\pi x$\n\nI know for the first one, in order for it to be defined in the set of reals, it cannot be negative, so i have to exclude all numbers that are going to make that function negative, but i dont know how to write this in 'interval notation'\n\nand no idea how to go about the second one, any help appreciated\n\n2. ## Re: domain of function help\n\nOriginally Posted by Tweety\nThe domain of a function f is the largest subset of R at which f can be defined. write the domain of the following function in interval notation i.e using\n\n[,(,),] , U n , \\\n\n$f(x) = \\sqrt{(x+2)}$\n\n$f(x) = tan \\pi x$\n\nI know for the first one, in order for it to be defined in the set of reals, it cannot be negative, so i have to exclude all numbers that are going to make that function negative, but i dont know how to write this in 'interval notation'\n\nand no idea how to go about the second one, any help appreciated\nThe simplist: x + 2 >= 0 ==> x >= -2\n\nSketch the graph of tan(pi*x) over one period and conclude the domail over one period.\n\n3. ## Re: domain of function help\n\nOriginally Posted by Tweety\nThe domain of a function f is the largest subset of R at which f can be defined. write the domain of the following function in interval notation i.e using [,(,),] , U n , \\\n$f(x) = \\sqrt{(x+2)}$\nIf you follow the directions then $[-2,\\infty)=\\mathbb{R}\\setminus (-\\infty,-2)$.\n\n4. ## Re: domain of function help\n\nthank you, i understand now","date":"2018-02-23 23:07:17","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 6, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8657851815223694, \"perplexity\": 413.5196189878252}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2018-09\/segments\/1518891814857.77\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20180223213947-20180223233947-00030.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
What version of MAME were you using previously? The required ROMs change from version to version.
I am using MAME OS X 0.135 (the current one)... Why would I have to download new game roms????
I am a Newbie, so the current one is the only one that I have used.... so... for some reason, I cant see any of the�games that were audited in the play window.
What version of MAME were you using before with your ROMs though?
As for why, the MAME FAQ has you covered. And no, this isn't a Mac-specific torture, it happens with the baseline Windows version too.
I'm rebuilding MAME OSX from scratch source and I'm getting a slew of build errors. Do I need the 10.4 dependencies? What other dependencies do I need to build this?
You need a version of Xcode < 3 apparently.
Thank goodness Apple's got Xcode on their site.
i wonder if there's a build time flag that can be set to properly rebuild MAME OSX with out having to downgrade Xcode?
If it needs something from 10.5.4 maybe you could install the 10.5.4 SDK from an older version of Xcode alongside your existing install?
I don't know if it will go down in flames though but if you're going to downgrade anyway maybe it's worth a try.
I have 3.2.1 installed here on Snow Leopard but I see the 10.5.4 SDK is installed when checking with System Profiler. Unfortunately I don't remember how it got there but I know it had something to do with compiling the SDL Library.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 6,111
|
require "slim-rails"
require "jquery-rails"
require "predictor"
require "app_component"
require "teams"
module PredictorUi
require "predictor_ui/engine"
def self.nav_entry
{name: "Predictions", link: -> {::PredictorUi::Engine.routes.url_helpers.new_prediction_path}}
end
end
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 8,532
|
{"url":"https:\/\/www.esaral.com\/q\/the-perpendicular-distance-from-the-origin-to-31530\/","text":"the perpendicular distance from the origin to\nQuestion:\n\nthe perpendicular distance from the origin to the plane containing the two lines,\n\n$\\frac{x+2}{3}=\\frac{y-2}{5}=\\frac{z+5}{7}$ and $\\frac{x-1}{1}=\\frac{y-4}{4}=\\frac{z+4}{7}$ is\n\n1. $11 \/ \\sqrt{6}$\n\n2. $6 \\sqrt{11}$\n\n3. 11\n\n4. $11 \\sqrt{6}$\n\nCorrect Option: 1\n\nSolution:\n\n$\\left|\\begin{array}{lll}\\mathrm{i} & \\mathrm{j} & \\mathrm{k} \\\\ 3 & 5 & 7 \\\\ 1 & 4 & 7\\end{array}\\right|$\n\n$\\hat{\\mathrm{i}}(35-28)-\\hat{\\mathrm{j}}(21.7)+\\hat{\\mathrm{k}}(12-5)$\n\n$7 \\hat{\\mathrm{i}}-14 \\hat{\\mathrm{j}}+7 \\hat{\\mathrm{k}}$\n\n$\\hat{i}-2 \\hat{j}+\\hat{k}$\n\n$1(x+2)-2(y-2)+1(z+15)=0$\n\n$x-2 y+z+11=0$\n\n$\\frac{11}{\\sqrt{4+1+1}}=\\frac{11}{\\sqrt{6}}$\n\nAdministrator","date":"2022-05-16 15:53:46","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.5714272856712341, \"perplexity\": 580.2173035799066}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": false}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2022-21\/segments\/1652662510138.6\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20220516140911-20220516170911-00021.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
from __future__ import absolute_import
from __future__ import division
from __future__ import print_function
from __future__ import unicode_literals
from pytest import fixture
from uber_rides.utils.request import build_url
from uber_rides.utils.request import generate_data
LAT = 37.7
LNG = -122.4
HOST = 'api.uber.com'
HTTPS_HOST = '{}{}'.format('https://', HOST)
DEFAULT_TARGET = 'products'
SPECIAL_CHAR_TARGET = '~products'
DEFAULT_BASE_URL = 'https://api.uber.com/products'
@fixture
def default_http_arguments_as_json():
return {
'latitude': LAT,
'longitude': LNG,
}
@fixture
def default_http_arguments_as_string():
return '{{"latitude": {}, "longitude": {}}}'.format(LAT, LNG)
def test_generate_data_with_POST(
default_http_arguments_as_json,
default_http_arguments_as_string,
):
"""Assign arguments to body of request in POST."""
data, params = generate_data('POST', default_http_arguments_as_json)
assert not params
assert data == default_http_arguments_as_string
def test_generate_data_with_PATCH(
default_http_arguments_as_json,
default_http_arguments_as_string,
):
"""Assign arguments to body of request in PATCH."""
data, params = generate_data('PATCH', default_http_arguments_as_json)
assert not params
assert data == default_http_arguments_as_string
def test_generate_data_with_PUT(
default_http_arguments_as_json,
default_http_arguments_as_string,
):
"""Assign arguments to body of request in PUT."""
data, params = generate_data('PUT', default_http_arguments_as_json)
assert not params
assert data == default_http_arguments_as_string
def test_generate_data_with_GET(default_http_arguments_as_json):
"""Assign arguments to querystring params in GET."""
data, params = generate_data('GET', default_http_arguments_as_json)
assert params == default_http_arguments_as_json
assert not data
def test_generate_data_with_DELETE(default_http_arguments_as_json,):
"""Assign arguments to querystring params in DELETE."""
data, params = generate_data('DELETE', default_http_arguments_as_json)
assert params == default_http_arguments_as_json
assert not data
def test_build_url_no_params():
"""Build URL with no parameters."""
url = build_url(HOST, DEFAULT_TARGET)
assert url == DEFAULT_BASE_URL
def test_build_url_with_scheme():
"""Build URL with https scheme."""
url = build_url(HTTPS_HOST, DEFAULT_TARGET)
assert url == DEFAULT_BASE_URL
def test_build_special_char_url():
"""Build URL special characters."""
url = build_url(HOST, SPECIAL_CHAR_TARGET)
assert url == 'https://api.uber.com/%7Eproducts'
def test_build_url_params(default_http_arguments_as_json):
"""Build URL with querystring parameters."""
url = build_url(HOST, DEFAULT_TARGET, default_http_arguments_as_json)
url_with_params = '{}?latitude={}&longitude={}'
assert url == url_with_params.format(DEFAULT_BASE_URL, LAT, LNG)
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 4,604
|
The UPS Store in 4711 Forest Drive #3, South Carolina: opening hours, driving directions, official site, phone numbers & customer reviews.
The UPS Store in 4711 Forest Drive #3, South Carolina: consumer reviews, opening hours, driving directions, photos etc.
Good staff and they work hard. Every time I have a package to send, they make sure the item is secure and won't rattle around in the box. There may be a line but what do you expect at 5:30 with only 2 people at the cash register. They do their best and my shipment gets to the destination every time and on time.
The UPS Store is located at 4711 Forest Drive #3, Columbia, South Carolina. You can find The UPS Store opening hours, address, driving directions and map, phone numbers and photos. Find helpful customer reviewsand write your own review to rate the business service.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 6,559
|
{"url":"https:\/\/gmatclub.com\/forum\/if-6-fair-coins-are-flipped-what-is-the-probability-that-there-are-260755.html","text":"GMAT Question of the Day - Daily to your Mailbox; hard ones only\n\n It is currently 19 Jul 2018, 16:03\n\n### GMAT Club Daily Prep\n\n#### Thank you for using the timer - this advanced tool can estimate your performance and suggest more practice questions. We have subscribed you to Daily Prep Questions via email.\n\nCustomized\nfor You\n\nwe will pick new questions that match your level based on your Timer History\n\nTrack\n\nevery week, we\u2019ll send you an estimated GMAT score based on your performance\n\nPractice\nPays\n\nwe will pick new questions that match your level based on your Timer History\n\n# If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\n\nAuthor Message\nTAGS:\n\n### Hide Tags\n\nIntern\nJoined: 03 Oct 2016\nPosts: 13\nGMAT 1: 550 Q42 V25\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n03 Mar 2018, 15:15\n1\n6\n00:00\n\nDifficulty:\n\n65% (hard)\n\nQuestion Stats:\n\n68% (01:25) correct 32% (02:02) wrong based on 168 sessions\n\n### HideShow timer Statistics\n\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are more heads than tails?\n\nA: $$\\frac{11}{16}$$\n\nB: $$\\frac{11}{32}$$\n\nC: $$\\frac{7}{16}$$\n\nD: $$\\frac{3}{8}$$\n\nE: $$\\frac{3}{16}$$\n\nOA will be provided shortly!\n\n(Hint: Think of symmetry; Source: brilliant)\nIntern\nJoined: 19 Dec 2017\nPosts: 40\nLocation: United States (OH)\nConcentration: General Management, Strategy\nGPA: 3.79\nWE: Engineering (Manufacturing)\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n03 Mar 2018, 17:05\n1\nThe probability that there are more heads than tails can be translated to the probability of 4, 5, or 6 heads.\n\nProbability of 4 Heads: 6C4*(1\/2)^6 = [6*5*4*3\/(4*3*2*1)]*(1\/2)^6 = 15\/64\nProbability of 5 Heads: 6C5*(1\/2)^6 = 6*(1\/2)^6 = 6\/64\nProbability of 6 Heads: 6C6*(1\/2)^6 = 1\/64\n\n15\/64 + 6\/64 + 1\/64 = 22\/64 = 11\/32 Answer is B\n_________________\n\nPlease gives kudos if you thought this post was useful.\n\nLooking for a study partner in Toledo, Ohio. My most recent practice test was Q48 V38 700. Aiming for 760+.\n\nIntern\nJoined: 15 Oct 2016\nPosts: 31\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n04 Mar 2018, 00:11\n1\ndrexxie wrote:\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are more heads than tails?\n\nA: $$\\frac{11}{16}$$\n\nB: $$\\frac{11}{32}$$\n\nC: $$\\frac{7}{16}$$\n\nD: $$\\frac{3}{8}$$\n\nE: $$\\frac{3}{16}$$\n\nOA will be provided shortly!\n\n(Hint: Think of symmetry; Source: brilliant)\n\nFor more heads, we need 4 Hs OR 5 Hs OR 6 Hs.\n\nTherefore the required probability = (6C4+6C5+6C6)\/(2^6) = 11\/32\nIntern\nJoined: 03 Oct 2016\nPosts: 13\nGMAT 1: 550 Q42 V25\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n04 Mar 2018, 09:01\n3\nOAE (brilliant):\n\nThe probability that there are the same number of heads and tails is:\n\n$$\\frac{\\binom{6}{3}}{2^6} = \\frac{5}{16}$$\n\nThere are $$6C3$$ ways to construct a sequence with 3 heads and 3 tails. The probabilities for the three options must sum to 1, so:\n\n$$1- \\frac{5}{16} = \\frac{11}{16}$$\n\nHowever, since this probability includes the two cases 'either the number of heads > tails or the number of tails > heads', we need, by symmetry, to multiply this probability by $$\\frac{1}{2}$$:\n\n$$P\\left(\\text{heads}>\\text{tails}\\right) = \\frac{1}{2} \\cdot \\frac{11}{16} = \\frac{11}{32}$$\nManager\nJoined: 28 Jan 2018\nPosts: 54\nLocation: Netherlands\nConcentration: Finance\nGMAT 1: 710 Q50 V36\nGPA: 3\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n20 Mar 2018, 17:30\n2\ndrexxie wrote:\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are more heads than tails?\n\nA: $$\\frac{11}{16}$$\n\nB: $$\\frac{11}{32}$$\n\nC: $$\\frac{7}{16}$$\n\nD: $$\\frac{3}{8}$$\n\nE: $$\\frac{3}{16}$$\n\nOA will be provided shortly!\n\n(Hint: Think of symmetry; Source: brilliant)\n\nBecause number of heads is more than tails, there are 3 scenario that can happen:\n\n4 Head vs 2 Tails: The probability in this scenario will be: $$\\frac{6!}{4!*2!} * \\frac{1}{(2^6)} = \\frac{15}{64}$$\n5 Head vs 1 Tails: The probability in this scenario will be: $$\\frac{6!}{5!} * \\frac{1}{(2^6)} = \\frac{6}{64}$$\n6 Head vs 0 Tails: The probability in this scenario will be: $$\\frac{1}{(2^6)} = \\frac{1}{64}$$\n\nTotal: $$\\frac{15}{64} + \\frac{6}{64} + \\frac{1}{64} = \\frac{22}{64} = \\frac{11}{32}$$ => Answer (B)\nManager\nJoined: 16 Sep 2016\nPosts: 225\nWE: Analyst (Health Care)\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the prob\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n05 May 2018, 05:43\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are more heads than there are tails?\n\nA. 1\/2\nB. 11\/16\nC. 6C3\/2^6\nD. 11\/32\nE. 6\/13\n\nSource: Brilliant.com\nSenior Manager\nJoined: 14 Feb 2018\nPosts: 379\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the prob\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n05 May 2018, 06:13\n2\n1\nFollowing are the possibilities -\nHHHHTT or HHHHHT or HHHHHT\n\nEach can also be arranged in the following respective ways -\n\n6!\/(4! 2!) or 6!\/(5!) or 1 which sums up to 22.\n\nTotal no of possibilities = 2^6 = 64.\n\nThus, required probability = 22\/64 = 11\/32.\n\nThus, IMO D.\n\nSent from my Lenovo K53a48 using GMAT Club Forum mobile app\nDS Forum Moderator\nJoined: 27 Oct 2017\nPosts: 621\nLocation: India\nGPA: 3.64\nWE: Business Development (Energy and Utilities)\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the prob\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n05 May 2018, 06:27\nNice explanation:\n\nThere is a typo in your explanation,\nPossibilities shall be\n\"HHHHTT or HHHHHT or HHHHHH\"\n\nSonalSinha803 wrote:\nFollowing are the possibilities -\nHHHHTT or HHHHHT or HHHHHT\nEach can also be arranged in the following respective ways -\n\n6!\/(4! 2!) or 6!\/(5!) or 1 which sums up to 22.\n\nTotal no of possibilities = 2^6 = 64.\n\nThus, required probability = 22\/64 = 11\/32.\n\nThus, IMO D.\n\nSent from my Lenovo K53a48 using GMAT Club Forum mobile app\n\n_________________\nDS Forum Moderator\nJoined: 27 Oct 2017\nPosts: 621\nLocation: India\nGPA: 3.64\nWE: Business Development (Energy and Utilities)\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the prob\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n05 May 2018, 06:40\n1\n1\nHi\nI would like to present a different approach to solve this question:\n\nSince there are even number of coins, we can have three cases:\n2) More tails\n3) Equal number of Heads & tails\n\nIt is very clear that the probability of getting more heads = probability of getting more tails\nNow first we need to find the third case when number of heads = number of tails\nwe will have 3 heads, 3 tails : No of cases = 6!\/(3!*3!) = 20\ntotal no of cases = $$2^6$$= 64\nProbability (number of heads = number of tails) =20\/64 = 5\/16\n\nNow P(number of heads = number of tails) +P(getting more heads) +P(probability of getting more tails) =1\nAs, probability of getting more heads = probability of getting more tails = P (say)\n\n$$5\/16$$ + P+ P =1\nP = $$11\/32$$\n\nWhy is this approach important?\nIf number of coins had been 60 (larger number) in place of 6, then doing this question by the other method would be quite tedious.\n_________________\nMath Expert\nJoined: 02 Sep 2009\nPosts: 47112\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n05 May 2018, 10:57\nIf 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are more heads than there are tails?\n\nA. 1\/2\nB. 11\/16\nC. 6C3\/2^6\nD. 11\/32\nE. 6\/13\n\nSource: Brilliant.com\n\nMerging topics. Please check the discussion above.\n_________________\nDirector\nJoined: 02 Oct 2017\nPosts: 599\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are...\u00a0 [#permalink]\n\n### Show Tags\n\n06 May 2018, 13:04\n4H2T. ,5H1T. ,6H\n\nProbability of 4 Heads two tail: 6C4*(1\/2)^6 = 15\/64\nProbability of 5 Heads one tail: 6C5*(1\/2)^6 = 6\/64\nProbability of 6 Heads no tail: 6C6*(1\/2)^6 = 1\/64\n\n15\/64 + 6\/64 + 1\/64 = 22\/64 = 11\/32\n\nPosted from my mobile device\nRe: If 6 fair coins are flipped, what is the probability that there are... &nbs [#permalink] 06 May 2018, 13:04\nDisplay posts from previous: Sort by\n\n# Events & Promotions\n\n Powered by phpBB \u00a9 phpBB Group | Emoji artwork provided by EmojiOne Kindly note that the GMAT\u00ae test is a registered trademark of the Graduate Management Admission Council\u00ae, and this site has neither been reviewed nor endorsed by GMAC\u00ae.","date":"2018-07-19 23:03:48","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.7162445783615112, \"perplexity\": 3956.189936482089}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2018-30\/segments\/1531676591332.73\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20180719222958-20180720002958-00016.warc.gz\"}"}
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{"url":"https:\/\/math.stackexchange.com\/questions\/1766315\/quotient-ring-mathbbz-4-times-mathbbz-6-s","text":"# Quotient ring $(\\mathbb{Z}_4 \\times \\mathbb{Z}_6)\/S$\n\nConsider the ring $\\mathbb Z_4\\times \\mathbb Z_6$ and $S=\\{(0,0),(2,0),(0,3),(2,3)\\}$.\n\nWould the elements of the quotient ring $(\\mathbb Z_4\\times \\mathbb Z_6)\/ S$ be:\n\n$S+(0,0)$ (trivial set above), $S+(1,1)=\\{(1,1),(3,1),(1,4),(3,4)\\}$, $S+(2,2)=\\{(2,2),(0,2),(2,5),(0,5)\\},\\cdots S+(1,5)=\\{(1,5),(3,5),(1,1),(3,2)\\}$. Basically for each $S+(n,n)$, I am adding $(n,n)$ to the original coordinates. Is this correct? Also for the addition and multiplication table of this coset, would it look very similar to the tables for $\\mathbb Z_6$? i.e. would $(3+s)+(3+3)=0+s$?\n\nI am just trying to figure out if I am even setting up this problem correctly...\n\nEdit: instead should I be adding $(n,0)+S$, in this case there would be only one coset $(1,0)$???\n\n\u2022 My basic question is just: if you are taking the quotient ring with coordinates, are the rings of the form: (n,n) +S or (n,0)+ S \u2013\u00a0p.l May 1 '16 at 6:00\n\n## 1 Answer\n\nBefore I answer your question, let's calculate the cosets. To start with, let's pick some element not in $S$. $(1,0)$ will do for our purposes.\n\nWe have $(1,0) + S = \\{(1,0),(3,0),(1,3),(3,3)\\}$.\n\nNote that $(3,0) \\in S$, that is: $(3,0) + S = (1,0) + S$. Perhaps this might dissuade you from the notion that adding $(n,0)$ to $S$ will recover all the cosets. In fact, all of the elements $(n,0)$ have already appeared in just the first two cosets.\n\nNow we need an element that hasn't occured in our two cosets so far. $(1,1)$ will do:\n\n$(1,1) + S = \\{(1,1),(3,1),(1,4),(3,4)\\}$.\n\nWe haven't encountered $(0,1)$ yet, either, so our fourth coset can be:\n\n$(0,1) + S = \\{(0,1),(2,1),(0,4),(2,4)\\}$\n\n$(2,2)$ has yet to occur, so we have a fifth coset:\n\n$(2,2) + S = \\{(2,2),(0,2),(2,5),(0,5)\\}$\n\nThe last coset has to be \"whatever is left over\", so we have:\n\n$(1,2) + S = \\{(1,2),(3,2),(1,5),(3,5)\\}$.\n\nNow, on to your question-is it true that adding $(n,n)$ will yield all the cosets? For this to be true, we need exactly one element of the form $(n,n)$ in each coset....but-there's a catch. $n$ can only cycle up to $3$ in the first coordinate, but can go up to $5$ in the second. That is, instead of:\n\n$(4,4)$ we get $(0,4)$, and instead of $(5,5)$ we get $(1,5)$.\n\nIndeed, we find that:\n\n$(0,0) + S = S$\n\n$(1,1) + S \\neq S$\n\n$(2,2) + S \\neq S,(1,1) + S$\n\n$(3,3) + S = (1,0) + S \\neq S, (1,1) + S, (2,2) + S$\n\n$(0,4) + S = (0,1) + S \\neq S, (1,1) + S, (2,2) + S, (3,3) + S$\n\nand, of course, $(1,5) + S = (1,2) + S$, the only coset not yet accounted for.\n\nThe deeper question you should be asking yourself, here, is:\n\nIf $R = R_1 \\times R_2$, is is true that if $I$ is an ideal of $R_1$ and $J$ is an ideal of $R_2$,\n\nthat $I \\times J$ an ideal of $R$; and do we have:\n\n$R\/(I \\times J) \\cong R_1\/I \\times R_2\/J$?","date":"2019-08-20 03:20:18","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.9308895468711853, \"perplexity\": 305.96638232724445}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": false}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2019-35\/segments\/1566027315222.14\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20190820024110-20190820050110-00068.warc.gz\"}"}
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In mathematics, a Gödel numbering for sequences provides an effective way to represent each finite sequence of natural numbers as a single natural number. While a set theoretical embedding is surely possible, the emphasis is on the effectiveness of the functions manipulating such representations of sequences: the operations on sequences (accessing individual members, concatenation) can be "implemented" using total recursive functions, and in fact by primitive recursive functions.
It is usually used to build sequential "data types" in arithmetic-based formalizations of some fundamental notions of mathematics. It is a specific case of the more general idea of Gödel numbering. For example, recursive function theory can be regarded as a formalization of the notion of an algorithm, and can be regarded as a programming language to mimic lists by encoding a sequence of natural numbers in a single natural number.
Gödel numbering
Besides using Gödel numbering to encode unique sequences of symbols into unique natural numbers (i.e. place numbers into mutually exclusive or one-to-one correspondence with the sequences), we can use it to encode whole "architectures" of sophisticated "machines". For example, we can encode Markov algorithms, or Turing machines into natural numbers and thereby prove that the expressive power of recursive function theory is no less than that of the former machine-like formalizations of algorithms.
Accessing members
Any such representation of sequences should contain all the information as in the original sequence—most importantly, each individual member must be retrievable. However, the length does not have to match directly; even if we want to handle sequences of different length, we can store length data as a surplus member, or as the other member of an ordered pair by using a pairing function.
We expect that there is an effective way for this information retrieval process in form of an appropriate total recursive function. We want to find a totally recursive function f with the property that
for all n and for any n-length sequence of natural numbers , there exists an appropriate natural number a, called the Gödel number of the sequence, such that for all i where , .
There are effective functions which can retrieve each member of the original sequence from a Gödel number of the sequence. Moreover, we can define some of them in a constructive way, so we can go well beyond mere proofs of existence.
Gödel's β-function lemma
By an ingenious use of the Chinese remainder theorem, we can constructively define such a recursive function (using simple number-theoretical functions, all of which can be defined in a total recursive way) fulfilling the specifications given above. Gödel defined the function using the Chinese remainder theorem in his article written in 1931. This is a primitive recursive function.
Thus, for all n and for any n-length sequence of natural numbers , there exists an appropriate natural number a, called the Gödel number of the sequence such that .
Using a pairing function
Our specific solution will depend on a pairing function—there are several ways to implement the pairing function, so one method must be selected. Now, we can abstract from the details of the implementation of the pairing function. We need only to know its "interface": let , K, and L denote the pairing function and its two projection functions, respectively, satisying specification
We shall not discuss and formalize the axiom for excluding alien objects here, as it is not required to understand the method.
Remainder for natural numbers
We shall use another auxiliary function that will compute the remainder for natural numbers. Examples:
It can be proven that this function can be implemented as a recursive function.
Using the Chinese remainder theorem
Implementation of the β function
Using the Chinese remainder theorem, we can prove that implementing as
will work, according to the specification we expect to satisfy. We can use a more concise form by an abuse of notation (constituting a sort of pattern matching):
Let us achieve even more readability by more modularity and reuse (as these notions are used in computer science): by defining the sequence , we can write
.
We shall use this notation in the proof.
Hand-tuned assumptions
For proving the correctness of the above definition of the function, we shall use several lemmas. These have their own assumptions. Now we try to find out these assumptions, calibrating and tuning their strength carefully: they should not be said in an either superfluously sharp, or unsatisfactorily weak form.
Let be a sequence of natural numbers.
Let m be chosen to satisfy
The first assumption is meant as
It is needed to meet an assumption of the Chinese remainder theorem (that of being pairwise coprime). In the literature, sometimes this requirement is replaced with a stronger one, e.g. constructively built with the factorial function, but the stronger premise is not required for this proof.
The second assumption does not concern the Chinese remainder theorem in any way. It will have importance in proving that the specification for is met eventually. It ensures that an solution of the simultaneous congruence system
for each i where
also satisfies
.
A stronger assumption for m requiring automatically satisfies the second assumption (if we define the notation as above).
Proof that (coprimality) assumption for Chinese remainder theorem is met
In the section Hand-tuned assumptions, we required that
. What we want to prove is that we can produce a sequence of pairwise coprime numbers in a way that will turn out to correspond to the Implementation of the β function.
In detail:
remembering that we defined .
The proof is by contradiction; assume the negation of the original statement:
First steps
We know what "coprime" relation means (in a lucky way, its negation can be formulated in a concise form); thus, let us substitute in the appropriate way:
Using a "more" prenex normal form (but note allowing a constraint-like notation in quantifiers):
Because of a theorem on divisibility, allows us to also say
.
Substituting the definitions of -sequence notation, we get , thus (as equality axioms postulate identity to be a congruence relation) we get
.
Since p is a prime element (note that the irreducible element property is used), we get
.
Resorting to the first hand-tuned assumption
Now we must resort to our assumption
.
The assumption was chosen carefully to be as weak as possible, but strong enough to enable us to use it now.
The assumed negation of the original statement contains an appropriate existential statement using indices ; this entails , thus the mentioned assumption can be applied, so holds.
Using an (object) theorem of the propositional calculus as a lemma
We can prove by several means known in propositional calculus that
holds.
Since , by the transitivity property of the divisibility relation, . Thus (as equality axioms postulate identity to be a congruence relation )
can be proven.
Reaching the contradiction
The negation of original statement contained
and we have just proved
.
Thus,
should also hold.
But after substituting the definition of ,
Thus, summarizing the above three statements, by transitivity of the equality,
should also hold.
However, in the negation of the original statement p is existentially quantified and restricted to primes . This establishes the contradiction we wanted to reach.
End of reductio ad absurdum
By reaching contradiction with its negation, we have just proven the original statement:
The system of simultaneous congruences
We build a system of simultaneous congruences
We can write it in a more concise way:
Many statements will be said below, all beginning with "". To achieve a more ergonomic treatment, from now on all statements should be read as being in the scope of an quantification. Thus, begins here.
Let us chose a solution for the system of simultaneous congruences. At least one solution must exist, because are pairwise comprime as proven in the previous sections, so we can refer to the solution ensured by the Chinese remainder theorem. Thus, from now on we can regard as satisfying
,
which means (by definition of modular arithmetic) that
Resorting to the second hand-tuned assumption
Recall the second assumption, "", and remember that we are now in the scope of an implicit quantification for i, so we don't repeat its quantification for each statement.
The second assumption implies that
.
Now by transitivity of equality we get
.
QED
Our original goal was to prove that the definition
is good for achieving what we declared in the specification of : we want to hold.
This can be seen now by transitivity of equality, looking at the above three equations.
(The large scope of i ends here.)
Existence and uniqueness
We have just proven the correctness of the definition of : its specification requiring
is met. Although proving this was most important for establishing an encoding scheme for sequences, we have to fill in some gaps yet. These are related notions similar to existence and uniqueness (although on uniqueness, "at most one" should be meant here, and the conjunction of both is delayed as a final result).
Uniqueness of encoding, achieved by minimalization
Our ultimate question is: what number should stand for the encoding of sequence ? The specification declares only an existential quantification, not yet a functional connection. We want a constructive and algorithmic connection: a (total) recursive function that performs the encoding.
Totality, because minimalization is restricted to special functions
This gap can be filled in a straightforward way: we shall use minimalization, and the totality of the resulting function is ensured by everything we have proven till now (i.e. the correctness of the definition of by meeting its specification). In fact, the specification
plays a role here of a more general notion ("special function"). The importance of this notion is that it enables us to split off the (sub)class of (total) recursive functions from the (super)class of partial recursive functions. In brief, the specification says that a function f
satisfying the specification
is a special function; that is, for each fixed combination of all-but-last arguments, the function f has root in its last argument:
The Gödel numbering function g can be chosen to be total recursive
Thus, let us choose the minimal possible number that fits well in the specification of the function:
.
It can be proven (using the notions of the previous section ) that g is (total) recursive.
Access of length
If we use the above scheme for encoding sequences only in contexts where the length of the sequences is fixed, then no problem arises. In other words, we can use them in an analogous way as arrays are used in programming.
But sometimes we need dynamically stretching sequences, or we need to deal with sequences whose length cannot be typed in a static way. In other words, we may encode sequences in an analogous way to lists in programming.
To illustrate both cases: if we form the Gödel numbering of a Turing machine, then the each row in the matrix of the "program" can be represented with tuples, sequences of fixed length (thus, without storing the length), because the number of the columns is fixed. But if we want to reason about configuration-like things (of Turing-machines), and specifically if we want to encode the significant part of the tape of a running Turing machine, then we have to represent sequences together with their length. We can mimic dynamically stretching sequences by representing sequence concatenation (or at least, augmenting a sequence with one more element) with a totally recursive function.
Length can be stored simply as a surplus member:
.
The corresponding modification of the proof is straightforward, by adding a surplus
to the system of simultaneous congruences (provided that the surplus member index is chosen to be 0). Also, the assumptions have to be modified accordingly.
Notes
References
Each chapter is downloadable verbatim on author's page.
Translation of Smullyan 1992.
External links
Computability theory
Articles containing proofs
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Single-Family Residential Developments
Residential Property Developments
Pulte plans Apopka townhomes next to future Marden interchange with SR 414
Highlighted in blue are the 21 acres proposed for townhome development in Apopka, southwest of the intersection of Marden Road and SR 414. (Orange County Property Appraiser)
UPDATED: OCTOBER 11, 2016 10:35 PM — Pulte Group is progressing with plans for 136 townhomes in Apopka directly south of the confluence of two major toll roads, and will contribute to improving connectivity in an area primed for residential and retail growth near the future Florida Hospital Apopka.
Proposed for what is currently 1701 Ocoee-Apopka Road, the 21.42-acre parcel lies directly south of the intersection of SR 451 and SR 414 (Apopka Expressway), and southwest of the 414 intersection with Marden Road where MMI Development will front the $6.5 million cost to build a half-diamond interchange.
Dubbed Emerson North Townhomes, the project lies north of the Emerson Park single-family home subdivision developed by Lennar in 2014. The parcel is owned by Centex Homes, an affiliate of Pulte.
A Final Development Plan will be considered on Wednesday by Apopka's Development Review Committee. Pulte first submitted its DP for staff review in October 2015.
Elevations of the front and rear of the four-unit townhome buildings proposed by Pulte Homes for Emerson North in Apopka. (Pulte Group)
The development would total 136 two-story units across 17 buildings, with a playground area and swimming pool with clubhouse.
Three unit types depicted on the DP range in size from 1,534-1,742 square feet of air-conditioned space.
Pulte is dedicating 4.24 acres of right-of-way along the north of the parcel to build an extension of Harmon Road, which currently ends on the west of Ocoee Apopka Road where Florida Hospital Apopka is being built, and expected to open in 2017.
MMI progresses with interchange and 72-acre retail plans in Apopka
An update on the Winter Park developer's vision for a 300,000-square-foot power center fronting the Apopka Expressway, and the interchange we'll all need to get there.
That eastern portion of Harmon Road will serve the new townhomes by stemming off of Marden Road. Complete east-west connectivity of Harmon Road still requires another future extension across parcels owned by Adventist Health and the Central Florida Expressway Authority, a distance of roughly 1,554 feet.
Work on the future Marden Road interchange will begin soon. City Council voted on Oct. 5 to amend the Synthetic Tax Incremental Financing District (STIF) Agreement to include funding for two roundabouts on Marden Road, one on the exit ramp and another on the eastbound ramp, said Angel de la Portilla, governmental consultant for Central Florida Strategies, an advisor to MMI Development.
MMI Development to front $6.5M cost for new Apopka Expressway interchange
The is one of the first examples of an infrastructure PPP in Greater Orlando since the Florida Legislature created a PPP taskforce in 2013 to promote such partnerships.
Right-of-way has been dedicated to Apopka for the roundabouts, and MMI now has approvals in place from the city and CFX, and the amended STIF Agreement will provide an additional $530,000 in cost-sharing revenue from Apopka, he added.
The Pulte development would follow activity north of the future interchange along Marden Road, where MMI is planning a 300,000-square-foot retail power center on 72 acres, and NM Residential broke ground in May on a 272-unit apartment complex, the first of two phases it plans there on 42 acres.
Donald W. McIntosh Associates, Inc., is civil engineer on the townhomes project, while Foster Conant & Associates is the landscape architect.
Florida Hospital System
Latest Single-Family Residential Developments
Dream Finders Homes buys big piece of property near Disney's Magic Kingdom Park
Mattamy Homes doubles down in Apopka, plans second residential community
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using System.Data.Entity;
using System.Data.Entity.Infrastructure;
public partial class CappamariEntities : DbContext
{
public CappamariEntities()
: base("name=CappamariEntities")
{
}
protected override void OnModelCreating(DbModelBuilder modelBuilder)
{
throw new UnintentionalCodeFirstException();
}
public DbSet<Advisor> Advisors { get; set; }
public DbSet<ApplicationUser> ApplicationUsers { get; set; }
public DbSet<CAPPReport> CAPPReports { get; set; }
public DbSet<Course> Courses { get; set; }
public DbSet<CourseFulfillment> CourseFulfillments { get; set; }
public DbSet<Requirement> Requirements { get; set; }
public DbSet<UserSession> UserSessions { get; set; }
public DbSet<RequirementSet> RequirementSets { get; set; }
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
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| 4,902
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Wayanad is a region of Kerala state in India. It is a forest district with a small population engaged in agricultural activities. The whole district is part of the Western Ghats range of hills.
Wayanad is the best place in Kerala for hill tourism. Most parts of the district are protected forest and the remaining area is lush green cultivation with a relatively thinner population. Urbanization has reached only 4% of the district. The altitude reaches up to 2,100 ft in some parts of Wayanad.
Malayalam is the common language here. English is understood by half the people. They can also reply in English but there is a mysterious 'shyness' among the locals. Wayanad is very close to Karnataka but Kannada language is not understood.
Wayanad District has no railway lines. Buses are available from Kozhikode and Mysore. Access from Kerala is difficult because of the mountain passes or 'ghat roads'. Access from Mysore and Madikeri is easier as no Ghat Roads are involved. The nearest airports are at Kondotty and Bangalore. Mysore airport is functional without any flights ! Night traffic is banned towards Mysore, Bangalore side. However, night traffic is allowed through Mananthavady.
Bangalore-Mysore-Gundalpet-MuthangaForest-Sultanbathery.256 km (good roads with too many humps inside the forest.. You can expect six humps every six kilometer).
Mananthavady-Kutta-Gonikupa-Virajpet-Madikeri.115 km. Night traffic is allowed only in this route.
Mysore-HDKote-Bavali-Mananthavady.112 km (No hump issue, night traffic is not allowed).
Buses charge only ₹.00 for three km.
Walking is impossible as numerous noisy motorcycles pester you even in village roads.
KSRTC buses are available to longer distances.
bus stations in Wayanad tend to disappoint you with the shortage of buses and no facility for sitting. But the KSRTC bus station at Sultan Battery has good connections to places inside Wayanad or outside Wayanad.
Cars can be rented for as cheap as ₹1800 a day with a driver. The rate is even cheaper if you rent without a driver.
You can drink coffee at this bus station, but any snacks purchased will be immediately snatched by the ubiquitous monkey groups.
The attractions in this region can be broadly categorized into three based on proximity. A 3-4 day tour allows covering all or most of these attractions. For further info, refer details on each town.
The main temple at the Mariamman Temple Complex at Mappadi in Wayanad, India.
Kerala food is available in restaurants. European food is available in resorts and home stays only.
Bamboo rice (called Mulayari by locals) can be found in Wayanad. These are seeds of the Bamboo plant, richer in protein than rice and wheat, but tasting like rice. Bamboo rice payasam stalls can be spotted near Edakkal caves walkway. Bamboo is said to yield seeds after a long span, so it is said that harvesting bamboo rice is a 'once-in-a-lifetime' experience.
Home-made chocolates and local Wayanad tea and coffee are also sold in many places. Shops near Edakkal caves offer many options such as spiced versions.
Beer and wine are easily available. Stronger drinks come under a recent prohibition. Kambalakkad though does not have beer- you'd have to get it from Kalpetta or a neighboring town.
Lodges in Wayanad have the cheapest tariff compared to other parts of Kerala. Resorts and home stays are expensive options. Accommodation below ₹500 per night are available in Kalpetta and Sultan Bathery towns. Mananthavady is even cheaper. Resorts and homestays charge between ₹2,000 and ₹4,000 per night. They can also arrange tours and trips.
The eastern hills of Kerala are vulnerable to attacks from an Indian communist group called Maoists. Recently they attacked the ticket counter of Silent Valley National Park, Mukkali. As the Maoists are armed and dangerous, be careful when you trek in lonely areas.
Leeches are common in the hills. Carry some table salt to dislodge the leeches.
Monkeys can be a nuisance, especially at places like Lakkidi viewpoint. Be careful and keep your car windows closed, and food items hidden.
This region travel guide to Wayanad District is an outline and may need more content. It has a template, but there is not enough information present. If there are Cities and Other destinations listed, they may not all be at usable status or there may not be a valid regional structure and a "Get in" section describing all of the typical ways to get here. Please plunge forward and help it grow!
This travel guide page was last edited at 13:24, on 15 January 2019 by Wikivoyage user Traveler100bot. Based on work by Wikivoyage users AndreeBot, Ibaman, SheetalChaudhri, Ikan Kekek, Zcarstvnz and Harivishnu, Wikivoyage anonymous users 117.239.237.218, 2405:204:D109:672F:B0E4:7274:A75D:927E and 103.252.200.149 and others.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 8,336
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package def.configuration;
public class App
{
public static void main( String[] args )
{
System.out.println( "Sample Application." );
}
protected void sampleMethod( String str )
{
System.out.println( str );
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 2,147
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{"url":"https:\/\/chemistry.stackexchange.com\/questions\/9798\/how-to-estimate-the-dielectric-constant-of-a-liquid","text":"# How to estimate the dielectric constant of a liquid?\n\nAre there any approximate relationships between the (static) dielectric constant of a liquid and properties of the individual molecules?\n\nFor example, suppose I know the polarizability and dipole moment of a molecule, as well as it's density in the liquid phase. Can I estimate the dielectric constant of the liquid from these quantities (or other similar ones)?\n\nNotably there are two general theories for polar and non-polar fluids that connect the polarizability $P$ with the dielectric constant $\\epsilon$ as reviewed in this article by Harvey and Lennon, International Journal of Thermophysics, Vol. 26, No. 1, January 2005.\nThe Clausius-Mosotti equation for non-polar liquids is: $$P = \\frac{\\epsilon-1}{\\epsilon +2}$$\nWhereas an equation developed by Kirkwood for polar liquids is: $$P = \\frac{(\\epsilon-1)(2\\epsilon+1)}{9 \\epsilon}$$\nThe article then continues to explain that you can estimate the polarizability from theoretical relations involving the molar density $\\rho$ and the dipole moment $\\mu$, but in your case the two equations above are sufficient since you assume that you know $P$.","date":"2019-08-21 21:02:59","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 1, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 0, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.8577494025230408, \"perplexity\": 421.5458079088751}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": true, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2019-35\/segments\/1566027316194.18\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20190821194752-20190821220752-00511.warc.gz\"}"}
| null | null |
Category Archives: Scottish Mental Surveys
Gathering Intelligence: A free seminar regarding Thomson's life and work
Our Wellcome Trust funded project*, 'Documenting the Understanding of Human Intelligence: cataloguing and preserving the papers of Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson', is on course to deliver on all its objectives in the next few months. Continuing on from the cataloguing project, we aim to digitise Thomson's papers, and catalogue related papers through the Moray House and University of Edinburgh collections. We will also be curating an exhibition regarding Thomson's life and work in 2016.
Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson (1881-1955)
To mark this exciting and continuing collaboration between the academic and archival communities, we are holding a free seminar for researchers, students, and archivists at Edinburgh University Library, 16th May 2014.
Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson (1881-1955) was a psychologist, statistician, and educator. The seminar programme reflects this, and is a varied one exploring Thomson's work in Psychology (especially cognitive testing), Statistics, Education, and Eugenics, with academic speakers from each field. Chaired by Professor Dorothy Meill, Vice Principal and Head of the College of Humanities and Social Science, It will also discuss current scientific research facilitated through data sets left from Thomson's work, as well as the complexities involved in interpreting and cataloguing the collection itself.
Professor Ian Deary's British Academy Lecture on Thomson
Gathering Intelligence: the life and work of Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson
Chaired by Professor Dorothy Meill, Vice Principal and Head of the College of Humanities and Social Science
9. 15: Coffee and introduction
10.00: Martin Lawn, Senior Research Fellow, Department of Education, University of Oxford: ''His Great Institution'': Thomson's advanced school of education in Edinburgh'
10.30: Professor Ian Deary, Director, Centre for Cognitive Ageing and Cognitive Epidemiology: 'Use of Thomson's data today in studies of cognitive ageing and cognitive epidemiology'.
11.00: Tea and coffee
11.30: Professor Lindsay Paterson, School of Social and Political Science, University of Edinburgh: 'Use of Thomson's survey work in current research on social mobility and life-long education'
12.00: Dr Edmund Ramsden, 'Thomson's research and opinions on the differential birth rate and eugenics'.
12.30: Lunch (lunch is provided), and viewing of the collection
2.00: David Bartholomew, Professor Emeritus of Statistics at the London School of Economics: Thomson's original statistical contributions
2.30: Emma Anthony, Project Archivist, Godfrey Thomson Project: 'Interpreting and Cataloguing Thomson's papers'
3.00: Panel discussion
4.00: Moray House tour
4.30: Finish
The seminar is free, but please note places must be booked through eventbrite.
Wellcome Trust bursaries for accommodation and travel are available.
For further information, contact Emma.Anthony@ed.ac.uk.
*Funded by the Trust's Research Resources grant scheme under the call 'Understanding the Human Brain'. Continuing on from the current cataloguing project, we aim to digitise Thomson's papers, and catalogue related papers through the Moray House and University of Edinburgh collections. We will also be curating an exhibition regarding Thomson's life and work in 2016.
This entry was posted in Educational Research, People, Projects, Scottish Mental Surveys and tagged Archives, archives seminar, CCACE, Centre for Cognitive Ageing and Cognitive Epidemiology, Centre for Research Collections, differential psychology, education, epidemiology, history of education, Professor Godfrey Thomson, Professor Ian Deary, Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson, psychology, Scottish mental surveys, seminar, Statistics on February 5, 2014 by godfreythomsonproject.
The Story of One
In 1932 and 1947, every 11 year old child in Scotland was given an intelligence test*. This fact is referred to throughout the blog. Its the reason Thomson was famous (he designed the test), it was unique (no equivalent exists anywhere else in the world), and it was done on a huge scale (87, 498 children were tested in the first Scottish Mental Survey, and 70,805 in the second).
For over a decade, Professor Ian Deary and his team have used the results of the tests in Lothian Birth Cohorts 1921 and 1936 to explore why some individuals' cognitive abilities decline more than others – vital and far reaching research in an increasingly ageing population. Hundreds of people given the intelligence test as a child have participated in the follow on studies, which have explored their cognitive skills, their physical well being, and their lives.
At the very heart of all this data are the people themselves, and what the numbers given in the beautifully neat test ledgers don't tell us. Deary and his colleagues have previously secured funding for author Ann Lingard to tell the Lothian Birth Cohort's stories through words, artist Fionna Carlisle through paint, and photographer Linda Kosciewicz-Fleming through the lens.
One individual who participated in the 1932 survey, but who was unable to tell his story, was Deary's Uncle, Richard Deary.
Richard Deary, courtesy of Professor Ian Deary
Richard Deary was the son of a miner, and lived with his parents and five siblings
in a one-bedroom miners' terraced cottage. The family had the most basic of education – Richard would leave school at the age of 14. He, like the thousands of other school pupils who sat the test, was never told his results. He probably never gave them a second thought, and went on to become a miner like his Father. His IQ was an impressive 120.
As an adult, Richard found himself in the midst of World War II:
The last letter from Richard Deary to his parents before his death, courtesy of Professor Ian Deary
In the last letter he sent to his parents, he tries to alleviate his parent's worry, and informs them about a new fangled thing called 'air graphs'. Two acts of kindness universal from children to their parents the world over. He ends the letter with a 'cheerio', and signs 'your loving son'. Richard died aged 21 when his submarine struck a mine in the Mediterranean Sea 2 months later.
On lecturing at the McEwan Hall on the centenary of the psychology department in November 2006, Deary was presented with this rather wonderful poem by poet Michael Davenport, scribed as he listened to Richard's story:
A PORTRAIT BY NUMBERS
27.10.2006: a psychologist speaks
of intelligence quotients, cognitive differences,
the Scottish Mental Survey 1932.
Using Powerpoint he illustrates,
shows details from a ledger of the time.
He highlights one boy, Richard,
born 4.4.1921:
number 4 in a class list,
IQ 120 on the Moray House Test.
2.8.1942: Richard's letter
describes his submarine the 'Talisman'.
He asks his parents not to worry
if they do not often hear from him
and finishes: 'Your Loving Son.'
10.9.1942: the 'Talisman'
leaves Gibraltar reports
a U-boat 5 days later.
18.9.1942: Richard dies at sea,
presumed mined off Sicily.
He's 21, his navy number:
His nephew, the psychologist, describes
follow-ups of 1930's survey scores:
correlations with rank and fate in war;
effects of illness, ageing, on the mental skills
of those who still live on.
And with a quiet love
he has included Richard
in this journey of discovery,
his numbers, dates, transmuted
into an elegy.
Michael Davenport
That both history and science are fundamentally about people becomes obvious when looking at a story like Richard's – or any of the cohorts who shared their lives with Deary and his team. Their stories may not be unusual, but they are all unique, and they allow us to gain some understanding of the humanity behind the numbers – vital if the significance of history and science are to be conveyed to those of us who don't know much about either!
Every effort has been made to contact Michael Davenport before reproducing his poetry. If there are any objections to this being re-produced in whole or in part, contact Project Archivist, Emma Anthony (Emma.Anthony@ed.ac.uk) who will remove it from the blog.
This entry was posted in Disconnected Mind, Make history human, People, Projects, Scottish Mental Surveys and tagged Ann Lingard, Cafe Scientifique, Cognitive ageing, Fionna Carmichael, Linda Kosciewicz-Fleming, Lothian Birth Cohorts, Michael Davenport, poetry, Professor Ian Deary, World War 2, World War II on December 12, 2013 by godfreythomsonproject.
Education and the 'Disconnected Mind'
This week, I was lucky enough to have a good rummage through the Scottish Council for Research in Education collection, which is in Glasgow University Archive Services. The council, which began in 1928, spent much of its life situated in Edinburgh, until its latter years when its staff were moved to the faculty of education in Glasgow.
It was the Scottish Council for Research in Education (who shall henceforth be known as SCRE!) who carried out the Scottish Mental Surveys, with funding from the Population Investigation Committee, the Eugenics Society, and, with later follow on studies, the Nuffield Trust. The surveys tested every child in Scotland born in 1921 and 1936 in 1932 and 1947 respectively, and there were three follow on projects (the 'Binet 1000', the '6-day sample', and the '36-day sample'). Some of the children from the 1947 survey were still in contact as far as 1963, their achievements and social background being examined alongside their original results to see what bearing these had had on the rest of their lives.
The records of these surveys, including the completed test papers, compiled results, follow on studies, and sociological data, survive to this day within the collection, and have been utilised to great effect by psychologists at Edinburgh University who are working with participants of the surveys to explore why some individuals' cognitive abilities decline more than others. Their work is part of the Disconnected Mind project, which aims to prevent an increasingly ageing population from losing their cognitive abilities, and is funded by Age UK. You can hear Prof Ian Deary discuss the project here:
Like Deary, SCRE were concerned with the 'disconnect' of the mind, though that of the child rather than the adult. Much of SCRE's work involved the engagement of the child in their learning. They had various primary school committees including committees for handwriting, numbers, spelling, and bilingualism (of which Thomson was convenor), as well as committees looking at the needs of blind, partially sighted, and deaf children.
This is reflected in the SCRE published spelling list:
Dr Robbie reported that in preparing the spelling list which the panel is proposing to compile the panel had sought to discover the kind of subject about which children liked to write. he explained that the pupil's spelling and vocabulary would be obtained by distributing the chosen topics to selected schools, from this, a spelling list compiled on the child's need would ultimately be compiled [Council minutes, 21 June 1947].
This concern about the child's interests was, in actual fact, highly forward thinking, and there are many artefacts and teaching aids surviving in Moray House which show how teachers at the demonstration school piqued the interest of the children:
Some of the artefacts from the Moray House cupboard/wunderkabinet! [photograph courtesy of Emma Smith]
Another of the Moray House demonstration school's teaching aids [photograph courtesy of Emma Smith]
Today, SCRE is no longer in operation. However, the publications they produced as a result of their work were widely disseminated, surviving in many higher education libraries. These, along with their records, show SCRE to have been both a highly innovative and democratic organisation, exploring hitherto unexamined areas and keeping equality, as well as the abilities and potential of each child, at its core.
With thanks to Glasgow University Archive Services.
This entry was posted in Disconnected Mind, Educational Research, Projects, Scottish Mental Surveys and tagged Edinburgh University Special Collections, Godfrey Thomson, GUAS, Lothian Birth Cohorts 1921, Lothian Birth Cohorts 1936, Scottish Mental Survey, the Disconnected Mind, the Scottish Council for Research in Education on August 16, 2013 by godfreythomsonproject.
A brief history of Godfrey Thomson!
In 1932 and 1947, every 11 year old child in Scotland was given an intelligence test, known as the 'Moray House Test', as part of the Scottish Mental Survey. Additionally, they were the subject of a questionnaire which gleaned information about their social and familial background. All of this was in response to the idea that as a nation, Scotland's intelligence was decreasing due to a supposed differential birth rate. The resulting data, which proved this hypothesis wrong, survives to this day. It is an entirely unique and rich source of information, which has allowed current researchers at the department of Psychology at the University of Edinburgh to undertake pioneering research exploring cognitive ageing.
The creator of these tests (and chairman of the second Scottish Mental Survey) was none other than Professor Sir Godfrey Hilton Thomson.
So just who was Thomson- and why do we think him so important?!
Thomson was a pioneer in the interloping fields of intelligence, statistics, and education. He was the first person to the Bell Chair of Education at the University of Edinburgh, and the Directorship of Moray House School of Education simultaneously; published prolifically on the topic of psychometrics; debated voraciously with eminent statistician Charles Spearman for almost 30 years, and last, but by no means least, was a Knight of the Realm thanks to his considerable services to Education. More than this, Thomson was an egalitarian from a humble background, a 'lad o' pairts' who achieved greatness thanks to his talent and determination, and who believed deeply in equality and fairness.
Godfrey Thomson, c1920s
The 'Moray House Tests' which the children sat in 1932 and 1947 actually had their origins in Newcastle in 1921. The local authorities, who at that time provided bursaries for secondary school education, were concerned by a lack of applicants from rural backgrounds. Thomson was conscious of the fact that rural children were often absent from school, so he wanted to create a test which would allow children to demonstrate 'native wit' or innate intelligence, rather than a test which would rely upon past learning.
Example of a question from the Newcastle tests
This striving for equality was typical of Thomson, and perhaps in part a result of his own humble background. Born in Carlisle in 1881, his Mother left his Father, taking the infant Thomson with her, to return to her childhood home in Tyneside. His Mother and he lived with her three sisters, and she earned a very modest income from working with a sewing machine firm in Newcastle.
Thomson had plans to become a 'pattern maker', a specialist joiner who made wooden models of steel castings for engineering works, after leaving High Felling Board School. However, after sitting a scholarship examination, Thomson found himself at Rutherford College, where he discovered various interests in mathematics, music, and etymology. Rutherford College was supported largely by the students entering and winning examinations as part of a government scheme, and Thomson soon became a veteran in these examinations, obtaining prizes for English and Mathematics amongst others.
Thomson as a young boy
At 16, he sat the London Matriculation exam, and returned to High Felling Board School as a pupil teacher. During this time, he took additional evening classes, studying chemistry, physics, botany, and zoology. In 1889, aged 18, Thomson sat the Queen's Scholarship, an all-England competition, and came third, continuing his studies in what would become Armstrong College, and later King's College, at Durham University. Thomson studied for his teaching diploma and a joint Mathematics and Physics degree simultaneously, and graduated with distinction. He went on to study at Strasbourg under the Nobel prize winning physicist, Professor Ferdinand Braun, and graduating Summa cum Laude following his work on Herzian waves.
After his three years in Strasbourg came to a close, Thomson returned to Newcastle, attaining the post of assistant lecturer at Armstrong College in order to fulfil the obligation of his scholarship. It was here he met his wife, Jennie Hutchinson, a fellow lecturer, and here he gained an interest in Educational Psychology. In 1916 he published a paper which would ignite a 30 year debate with the eminent statistician, Charles Spearman.
Essentially, the debate centred around Spearman's Theory of Two Factors regarding intelligence. He believed that performance in each subject was down to specific abilities linked to each, and general ability linked to all. Thomson provided an alternative for this in his bonds model, in which he hypothesised that any mental task requires a number of 'bonds', some of which are more closely related to others in 'pools' (Thomson made a link between these bonds and the neurons of the brain). Thomson had no wish to discredit Spearman's theory, rather to show that his provided an alternative, and he showed good sportsmanship in holding off publication during the war years to enable Spearman, who was serving, time to respond. However, the debate would continue until Spearman's death in 1945.
In 1925, Thomson accepted his position in Edinburgh and his family (by now including his son, Hector) moved to Edinburgh. It was here in what became the Godfrey Thomson Unit that Thomson and his team would formulate the Moray House Test. The test, which included questions on verbal reasoning, English, and mathematics, was also used by local authorities throughout the UK for School selection. Thomson was not wholly comfortable with this, but concluded testing was preferable to nepotism, and worked on making the tests as fair as possible. Thomson could have made a considerable fortune on the tests, but instead insured all royalties were transferred into a research fund to facilitate their continual improvement.
On his retirement in 1951, Thomson, who had proved highly popular amongst staff and students, was presented with 2 portraits of himself by RH Westwater, one of which hangs in Moray House to this day. He passed away in 1955.
These are just some of the many reasons why we think Thomson is incredibly important, and has been unfairly neglected from the history of psychometrics. This neglect is, in part, due to scholars having no primary material to consult – the archive itself was only discovered in 2008, and it is no exaggeration to say it was rescued.
It is our task to catalogue his papers, and to ensure he finally receives the recognition his work deserves. In the coming months, we will be blogging about Thomson, his collection, and the people he came into contact with throughout his life and career. We hope you will enjoy!
This entry was posted in Educational Research, People, Projects, Scottish Mental Surveys and tagged Bell Chair of Education, Centre for Research Collections, CRC, Edinburgh University, Edinburgh University Special Collections, Factorial Analysis, Godfrey Thomson, Intelligence testing, Intelligence tests, Moray House, Professor Godfrey Thomson, Professor Sir Godfrey Thomson, Psychometrics, University of Edinburgh on June 3, 2013 by godfreythomsonproject.
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Q: Windows scheduled Task - Stopping Console w/ error & Re-starting the service How can I go by setting up a scheduled task that will cancel a java console that outputs a heap error and then start it up again?
I need to restart my wowza service because of some java heap allocating memory error that seems to happen every night.
I tried few options but could not get it right.
A: You can find any number of tools to kill processes, like pskill from sysinternals/Microsoft. Write a batch file that kills the process, waits until it's gone, then restarts it. Once that's working, create a new scheduled task that runs it at a set time, making sure it fires after the heap error is certain to have occurred. The trick will be to identify the process to kill. Ref: http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb896683.aspx.
A: If it's an actual service, you can also do a
net stop <name of service>
or
net start <name of service>
PSkill is a great tool too.
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But please rest assured that just because it's dessert time on the blog, doesn't mean that I'll let go of my plant-based roots or go TOTALLY unhealthy on you. Nope, I'll be sure to continue to share vegan desserts AND - where possible - give each dessert recipe a healthier twist, just as I did today.
You see this vegan peanutbutter strawberry sundae has bananas, strawberries and protein rich peanutbutter as it's key ingredients with cacao nibs for crunch (SO healthy) and maple syrup for sweetness (not so healthy, but hey, you can't win them all, can you?) added into the mix too. The dessert is so quick and easy to throw together and hits the spot every single time. I promise!
Now before I let you go, I just wanted to share that I originally created this recipe for WAITROSE, which was a total honour. Especially because I got to work with lots of delicious organic ingredients, which rocks! You can find my recipe on their website, in their Weekend Duchy Anniversary (September) weekend newspaper issue, in their printed food magazine and on their app this month too *blush*. So go on, grab yourself a copy ;)!
P.P.S. This is NOT a sponsored blog post. I was paid for the recipe development and photography work I did for their website and magazine, but I decided to share this recipe with you on the blog and mention Waitrose just cuz I wanted to :).
Take 4 ripe bananas, cut into 1/4 pieces, place in a freeze bag and freeze overnight. The next day, take the frozen bananas out of the freezer, place them in a high speed blender together with 2 tablespoons of peanutbutter and blend until smooth (like the consistency of soft serve icecream).
Put the content of the blender in a plastic container and return to the freezer for approximately 60 minutes or until set. As the nicecream sets, prepare the strawberry compote by removing the strawberry stems of approximately 100g of strawberries and pureeing them with a handheld blender.
Tip 1: Don't like pretzels or want to keep this grain-free/gluten-free/paleo, then take a handful of nuts instead for added crunch.
Tip 2: You can also replace the strawberries with blueberries or raspberries or any seasonal sweet fruit you've got to hand.
Looking for more vegan ice cream ideas? Then why not try my mango ice cream recipe OR my orange and beetroot ice lollies?
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Once upon a time, Peter Gatien ruled clubland in New York. With spots such as Limelight (erected inside a church) and Tunnel (which truly was a labyrinth of debauchery), the impresario who wore an eye patch (for legit reasons) figured out all the post-Studio 54 strategies for getting people to queue up in order to empty their pockets. But chances are you know this already—especially if you're a longtime reader of the Voice. A vet of this paper, reporter Frank Owen chronicled the initial scandals that occurred in the clubs when Gatien was still at the top—and then the extended-remix attempts by local cops and the feds to shut down the entire operation during the Giuliani '90s.
But familiarity doesn't necessarily breed boredom in Billy Corben's documentary, which takes its title from Gatien's flagship club. Watching Gatien talk today, from exile in Canada and behind sunglasses instead of that patch, viewers can still get a sense of his charm. Corben doesn't probe, and Limelight works better as an unofficial history of an Old New York than it does as the definitive portrait of Gatien, who likes to tell his story—perhaps the only thing he has left. Owen enjoys playing the role of raconteur, too, as do the other interviewees: drug runners and ex-cons, and the laughably compromised erstwhile federal informants. The archival footage is great: It's all skuzzy VHS with wild tracking issues and Betamax clips of the clubs themselves as well as of successive generations of fuddy-duddy local news reporters trying to explain club culture. Then Moby drops by to talk about how the lower Manhattan underground of the time (can you imagine such a thing now?) shaped pop music for the entire country.
Given all this interesting raw material, it's mildly disappointing that the filmmakers tie it together with such cheesy connective tissue. The new talking-head footage is lit with bright purples and greens; these people worked in clubs, get it? And there's seemingly never a transition that goes by without the accompaniment of an animated disco ball wiping across the frame. It's on-the-nose, for sure, but also unsuccessful because the sheer chintziness of these effects runs counter to the ruthless professionalism and keen aesthetic of Gatien and his early crew.
Those guys, by the way (and yes, they're all guys), are still remarkably—overly—proud of their achievements. Even the ones who ratted out their ex-partners still seem to feel a latent bonhomie. But when they whine about how, post-Giuliani, there's no exciting club life in New York anymore, they almost sound like bereft record executives lamenting the decline of the monoculture. Of course, New York still has an underground—even if Palladium is now a dorm for NYU kids. Gatien knows better than most how the fringe just moves to new territory whenever the mainstream glare becomes too bright.
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@interface MMActivityIndicator : UIImageView
{
double duration;
}
@property(nonatomic) double duration; // @synthesize duration;
- (void)stopAnimating;
- (void)startAnimating;
@end
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
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Q: uniqe constraint on a nullable column happy new year, my first question on this website , help please
I have a table called dbo.Person it has a column called Person_NCID , this is a nullable column but I want to create a unique constraint on not null values. when I create a uniqe constraint now it returns an error as I have more than one null value in the column. should I use a user-defined function to create a unique constraint?
A: You need a filtered index on this column which will ignore any null values in your table.
Try something like
CREATE UNIQUE INDEX IX_Person_Person_NCID ON dbo.Person(Person_NCID)
WHERE Person_NCID IS NOT NULL
Which will in effect will create a Unique constraint on the non null values .
A: Create a unique filtered index (SQL Server 2008 onwards):
CREATE UNIQUE NONCLUSTERED INDEX NC_Person_Person_NCID
ON dbo.Person(Person_NCID)
WHERE Person_NCID IS NOT NULL;
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
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{"url":"http:\/\/tm.durusau.net\/?cat=36","text":"Archive for the \u2018Ontology\u2019 Category\n\nEDAM: an ontology of bioinformatics operations,\u2026\n\nWednesday, May 15th, 2013\n\nEDAM: an ontology of bioinformatics operations, types of data and identifiers, topics and formats by Jon Ison, Mat\u00fa\u0161 Kala\u0161, Inge Jonassen, Dan Bolser, Mahmut Uludag, Hamish McWilliam, James Malone, Rodrigo Lopez, Steve Pettifer and Peter Rice. (Bioinformatics (2013) 29 (10): 1325-1332. doi: 10.1093\/bioinformatics\/btt113)\n\nAbstract:\n\nMotivation: Advancing the search, publication and integration of bioinformatics tools and resources demands consistent machine-understandable descriptions. A comprehensive ontology allowing such descriptions is therefore required.\n\nResults: EDAM is an ontology of bioinformatics operations (tool or workflow functions), types of data and identifiers, application domains and data formats. EDAM supports semantic annotation of diverse entities such as Web services, databases, programmatic libraries, standalone tools, interactive applications, data schemas, datasets and publications within bioinformatics. EDAM applies to organizing and finding suitable tools and data and to automating their integration into complex applications or workflows. It includes over 2200 defined concepts and has successfully been used for annotations and implementations.\n\nAvailability: The latest stable version of EDAM is available in OWL format from http:\/\/edamontology.org\/EDAM.owl and in OBO format from http:\/\/edamontology.org\/EDAM.obo. It can be viewed online at the NCBO BioPortal and the EBI Ontology Lookup Service. For documentation and license please refer to http:\/\/edamontology.org. This article describes version 1.2 available at http:\/\/edamontology.org\/EDAM_1.2.owl.\n\nNo matter how many times I read it, I just don\u2019t get:\n\nAdvancing the search, publication and integration of bioinformatics tools and resources demands consistent machine-understandable descriptions. A comprehensive ontology allowing such descriptions is therefore required.\n\nI will be generous and assume the authors meant \u201cmachine-processable descriptions\u201d when I read \u201cmachine-understandable descriptions.\u201d It is well known that machines don\u2019t \u201cunderstand\u201d data, they simply process it according to specified instructions.\n\nBut more to the point, machines are indifferent to the type or number of descriptions they have for any subject. It might confuse a human processor to have thirty (30) different descriptions for the same subject but there has been no showing of such a limit for machines.\n\nEvery effort to produce a \u201ccomprehensive\u201d ontology\/classification\/taxonomy, pick your brand of poison, has been in the face of competing and different descriptions. That is, after all, the rationale for a comprehensive \u2026, that there are too many choices already.\n\nThe outcome of all such efforts, assuming there are N diverse descriptions is N + 1 diverse descriptions, the 1 being the current project added to existing diverse descriptions.\n\nEnigma\n\nFriday, May 10th, 2013\n\nEnigma\n\nI suppose it had to happen. With all the noise about public data sets that someone would create a startup to search them.\n\nNot a lot of detail at the site but you can sign up for a free trial.\n\nFeatures:\n\n100,000+ Public Data Sources: Access everything from import bills of lading, to aircraft ownership, lobbying activity,real estate assessments, spectrum licenses, financial filings, liens, government spending contracts and much, much more.\n\nAugment Your Data: Get a more complete picture of investments, customers, partners, and suppliers. Discover unseen correlations between events, geographies and transactions.\n\nAPI Access: Get direct access to the data sets, relational engine and NLP technologies that power Enigma.\n\nRequest Custom Data: Can\u2019t find a data set anywhere else? Need to synthesize data from disparate sources? We are here to help.\n\nDiscover While You Work: Never miss a critical piece of information. Enigma uncovers entities in context, adding intelligence and insight to your daily workflow.\n\nPowerful Context Filters: Our vast collection of public data sits atop a proprietary data ontology. Filter results by topics, tags and source to quickly refine and scope your query.\n\nFocus on the Data: Immerse yourself in the details. Data is presented in its raw form, full screen and without distraction.\n\nCurated Metadata: Source data is often unorganized and poorly documented. Our domain experts focus on sanitizing, organizing and annotating the data.\n\nEasy Filtering: Rapidly prototype hypotheses by refining and shaping data sets in context. Filter tools allow the sorting, refining, and mathematical manipulation of data sets.\n\nThe \u201cproprietary data ontology\u201d jumps out at me as an obvious question. Do users get to know what the ontology is?\n\nNot to mention the \u201cour domain experts focus on sanitizing,\u2026.\u201d Works for some cases, take legal research for example. Not sure that \u201cyour\u201d experts works as well as \u201cmy\u201d experts for less focused areas.\n\nLooking forward to learning more about Enigma!\n\nDoes statistics have an ontology? Does it need one? (draft 2)\n\nTuesday, April 16th, 2013\n\nFrom the post:\n\nChance, rational beliefs, decision, uncertainty, probability, error probabilities, truth, random sampling, resampling, opinion, expectations. These are some of the concepts we bandy about by giving various interpretations to mathematical statistics, to statistical theory, and to probabilistic models. But are they real? The question of \u201contology\u201d asks about such things, and given the \u201cOntology and Methodology\u201d conference here at Virginia Tech (May 4, 5), I\u2019d like to get your thoughts (for possible inclusion in a Mayo-Spanos presentation).* Also, please consider attending**.\n\nInterestingly, I noticed the posts that have garnered the most comments have touched on philosophical questions of the nature of entities and processes behind statistical idealizations (e.g.,http:\/\/errorstatistics.com\/2012\/10\/18\/query\/).\n\nThe post and ensuing comments offer much to consider.\n\nFrom my perspective, if assumptions, ontological and otherwise, go unstated, the results opaque.\n\nYou can accept them, because they fit your prior opinion or how you wanted the results to be, or reject them as not fitting your prior opinion or desired result.\n\nLazy D3 on some astronomical data\n\nFriday, April 5th, 2013\n\nLazy D3 on some astronomical data by simonraper.\n\nFrom the post:\n\nI can\u2019t claim to be anything near an expert on D3 (a JavaScript library for data visualisation) but being both greedy and lazy I wondered if I could get some nice results with minimum effort. In any case the hardest thing about D3 for a novice to the world of web design seems to be getting started at all so perhaps this post will be useful for getting people up and running.\n\nThe images above and below are visualisations using D3 of a classification hierarchy for astronomical objects provided by the IVOA (International Virtual Observatory Alliance). I take no credit for the layout. The designs are taken straight from the D3 examples gallery but I will show you how I got the environment set up and my data into the graphs. The process should be replicable for any hierarchical dataset stored in a similar fashion.\n\nEven better than the static images are various interactive versions such as the rotating Reingold\u2013Tilford Tree, the collapsible dendrogram and collapsible indented tree . These were all created fairly easily by substituting the astronomical object data for the data in the original examples. (I say fairly easily as you need to get the hierarchy into the right format but more on that later.)\n\nEasier to start with visualization of standard information structures and then move onto more exotic ones.\n\nWhat is the difference between a Taxonomy and an Ontology?\n\nMonday, April 1st, 2013\n\nWhat is the difference between a Taxonomy and an Ontology?\n\nFrom the post:\n\nIn the world of information management, two common terms that people use are \u201ctaxonomy\u201d and \u201contology\u201d but people often wonder what the difference between the two terms are. In many of our webinars, this question comes up so I wanted to provide an answer on our blog.\n\nWhen I first read this post, I thought it was an April Fool\u2019s post. But check the date: March 15, 2013. Unless April Fool\u2019s day came early this year.\n\nAfter reading the post you will find that what the author calls a taxonomy is actually an ontology.\n\nDon\u2019t take my word for it, see the original post.\n\nI think the difference between a taxonomy and an ontology is that an ontology costs more.\n\nI don\u2019t know of any other universal differences between the two.\n\nI first saw this in Taxonomy or Ontology by April Holmes.\n\nLeveraging Ontologies for Better Data Integration\n\nThursday, February 21st, 2013\n\nLeveraging Ontologies for Better Data Integration by David Linthicum.\n\nFrom the post:\n\nIf you don\u2019t understand application semantics \u2011 simply put, the meaning of data \u2011 then you have no hope of creating the proper data integration solution. I\u2019ve been stating this fact since the 1990s, and it has proven correct over and over again.\n\nJust to be clear: You must understand the data to define the proper integration flows and transformation scenarios, and provide service-oriented frameworks to your data integration domain, meaning levels of abstraction. This is applicable both in the movement of data from source to target systems, as well as the abstraction of the data using data virtualization approaches and technology, such as technology for the host of this blog.\n\nThis is where many data integration projects fall down. Most data integration occurs at the information level. So, you must always deal with semantics and how to describe semantics relative to a multitude of information systems. There is also a need to formalize this process, putting some additional methodology and technology behind the management of metadata, as well as the relationships therein.\n\nMany in the world of data integration have begun to adopt the notion of ontology (or the instances of ontology: ontologies). Ontology is a term borrowed from philosophy that refers to the science of describing the kinds of entities in the world and how they are related.\n\nWhy should we care? Ontologies are important to data integration solutions because they provide a shared and common understanding of data that exists within the business domain. Moreover, ontologies illustrate how to facilitate communication between people and information systems. You can think of ontologies as the understanding of everything, and how everything should interact to reach a common objective. In this case the optimization of the business. (emphasis added)\n\nThe two bolded lines I wanted to call to your attention:\n\nIf you don\u2019t understand application semantics \u2011 simply put, the meaning of data \u2011 then you have no hope of creating the proper data integration solution. I\u2019ve been stating this fact since the 1990s, and it has proven correct over and over again.\n\nI wasn\u2019t aware understanding the \u201cmeaning of data\u201d as a prerequisite to data integration was ever contested?\n\nYou?\n\nI am equally unsure that having a \u201c\u2026common and shared understanding of data\u2026\u201d qualifies as an ontology.\n\nWhich is a restatement of the first point.\n\nWhat interests me is how to go from non-common and non-shared understandings of data to capturing all the currently known understandings of the data?\n\nRepeating what is uncontested or already agreed upon, isn\u2019t going to help with that task.\n\nTuesday, February 19th, 2013\n\nAssessing identity, redundancy and confounds in Gene Ontology annotations over time by Jesse Gillis and Paul Pavlidis. (Bioinformatics (2013) 29 (4): 476-482. doi: 10.1093\/bioinformatics\/bts727)\n\nAbstract:\n\nMotivation: The Gene Ontology (GO) is heavily used in systems biology, but the potential for redundancy, confounds with other data sources and problems with stability over time have been little explored.\n\nResults: We report that GO annotations are stable over short periods, with 3% of genes not being most semantically similar to themselves between monthly GO editions. However, we find that genes can alter their \u2018functional identity\u2019 over time, with 20% of genes not matching to themselves (by semantic similarity) after 2 years. We further find that annotation bias in GO, in which some genes are more characterized than others, has declined in yeast, but generally increased in humans. Finally, we discovered that many entries in protein interaction databases are owing to the same published reports that are used for GO annotations, with 66% of assessed GO groups exhibiting this confound. We provide a case study to illustrate how this information can be used in analyses of gene sets and networks.\n\nAvailability: Data available at http:\/\/chibi.ubc.ca\/assessGO.\n\nHow does your ontology account for changes in identity over time?\n\nChaotic Nihilists and Semantic Idealists [And What of Users?]\n\nTuesday, February 5th, 2013\n\nChaotic Nihilists and Semantic Idealists by Alistair Croll.\n\nFrom the post:\n\nThere are competing views of how we should tackle an abundance of data, which I\u2019ve referred to as big data\u2019s \u201codd couple\u201d.\n\nOne camp\u2014made up of semantic idealists who fetishize taxonomies\u2014is to tag and organize it all. Once we\u2019ve marked everything and how it relates to everything else, they hope, the world will be reasonable and understandable.\n\nThe poster child for the Semantic Idealists is Wolfram Alpha, a \u201creasoning engine\u201d that understands, for example, a question like \u201chow many blue whales does the earth weigh?\u201d\u2014even if that question has never been asked before. But it\u2019s completely useless until someone\u2019s told it the weight of a whale, or the earth, or, for that matter, what weight is.\n\nThey\u2019re wrong.\n\nAlistair continues with the other camp:\n\nWolfram Alpha\u2019s counterpart for the Algorithmic Nihilists is IBM\u2019s Watson, a search engine that guesses at answers based on probabilities (and famously won on Jeopardy.) Watson was never guaranteed to be right, but it was really, really likely to have a good answer. It also wasn\u2019t easily controlled: when it crawled the Urban Dictionary website, it started swearing in its responses[1], and IBM\u2019s programmers had to excise some of its more colorful vocabulary by hand.\n\nShe\u2019s wrong too.\n\nAnd projects the future as:\n\nThe future of data is a blend of both semantics and algorithms. That\u2019s one reason Google recently introduced a second search engine, called the Knowledge Graph, that understands queries.[3] Knowledge Graph was based on technology from Metaweb, a company it acquired in 2010, and it augments \u201cprobabilistic\u201d algorithmic search with a structured, tagged set of relationships.\n\nWhy are we missing asking users what they meant as a third option?\n\nDepends on who you want to be in charge:\n\nAlgorithms \u2014 Empower Computer Scientists.\n\nOntologies\/taxonomies \u2014 Empower Ontologists.\n\nTopic maps are a solution that can ask users.\n\nAny questions?\n\nAutomated compound classification using a chemical ontology\n\nSunday, January 13th, 2013\n\nAutomated compound classification using a chemical ontology by Claudia Bobach, Timo B\u00f6hme, Ulf Laube, Anett P\u00fcschel and Lutz Weber. (Journal of Cheminformatics 2012, 4:40 doi:10.1186\/1758-2946-4-40)\n\nAbstract:\n\nBackground\n\nClassification of chemical compounds into compound classes by using structure derived descriptors is a well-established method to aid the evaluation and abstraction of compound properties in chemical compound databases. MeSH and recently ChEBI are examples of chemical ontologies that provide a hierarchical classification of compounds into general compound classes of biological interest based on their structural as well as property or use features. In these ontologies, compounds have been assigned manually to their respective classes. However, with the ever increasing possibilities to extract new compounds from text documents using name-to-structure tools and considering the large number of compounds deposited in databases, automated and comprehensive chemical classification methods are needed to avoid the error prone and time consuming manual classification of compounds.\n\nResults\n\nIn the present work we implement principles and methods to construct a chemical ontology of classes that shall support the automated, high-quality compound classification in chemical databases or text documents. While SMARTS expressions have already been used to define chemical structure class concepts, in the present work we have extended the expressive power of such class definitions by expanding their structure based reasoning logic. Thus, to achieve the required precision and granularity of chemical class definitions, sets of SMARTS class definitions are connected by OR and NOT logical operators. In addition, AND logic has been implemented to allow the concomitant use of flexible atom lists and stereochemistry definitions. The resulting chemical ontology is a multi-hierarchical taxonomy of concept nodes connected by directed, transitive relationships.\n\nConclusions\n\nA proposal for a rule based definition of chemical classes has been made that allows to define chemical compound classes more precisely than before. The proposed structure based reasoning logic allows to translate chemistry expert knowledge into a computer interpretable form, preventing erroneous compound assignments and allowing automatic compound classification. The automated assignment of compounds in databases, compound structure files or text documents to their related ontology classes is possible through the integration with a chemistry structure search engine. As an application example, the annotation of chemical structure files with a prototypic ontology is demonstrated.\n\nWhile creating an ontology to assist with compound classification, the authors concede the literature contains much semantic diversity:\n\nChemists use a variety of expressions to create compound class terms from a specific compound name \u2013 for example \u201cbackbone\u201d, \u201cscaffold\u201d, \u201cderivative\u201d, \u201ccompound class\u201d are often used suffixes or \u201csubstituted\u201d is a common prefix that generates a class term. Unfortunately, the meaning of different chemical class terms is often not defined precisely and their usage may differ significantly due to historic reasons and depending on the compound class. For example, 2-ethyl-imidazole 1 belongs without doubt to the class of compounds having a imidazole scaffold, backbone or being an imidazole derivative or substituted imidazole. In contrast, pregnane 2 illustrates a more complicated case \u2013 as in case of 2-ethyl-imidazole this compound could be considered a 17-ethyl-derivative of the androstane scaffold 3. However, this would suggest a wrong compound classification as pregnanes are not considered to be androstane derivatives \u2013 although 2 contains androstane 3 as a substructure (Figure 1). This particular, structurally illogical naming convention goes back to the fundamentally different biological activities of specific compounds with a pregnane or androstane backbone, resulting in the perception that androstanes and pregnanes do not show a parent\u2013child relation but are rather sibling concepts at the same hierarchical level. Thus, any expert chemical ontology will appreciate this knowledge and the androstane compound class structural definition needs to contain a definition that any androstane shall NOT contain a carbon substitution at the C-17 position. (emphasis added)\n\nNot that present day researchers would create a structurally illogical naming convention in the view of future researchers.\n\nManual Alignment of Anatomy Ontologies\n\nSaturday, January 12th, 2013\n\nMatching arthropod anatomy ontologies to the Hymenoptera Anatomy Ontology: results from a manual alignment by Matthew A. Bertone, Istv\u00e1n Mik\u00f3, Matthew J. Yoder, Katja C. Seltmann, James P. Balhoff, and Andrew R. Deans. (Database (2013) 2013 : bas057 doi: 10.1093\/database\/bas057)\n\nAbstract:\n\nMatching is an important step for increasing interoperability between heterogeneous ontologies. Here, we present alignments we produced as domain experts, using a manual mapping process, between the Hymenoptera Anatomy Ontology and other existing arthropod anatomy ontologies (representing spiders, ticks, mosquitoes and Drosophila melanogaster). The resulting alignments contain from 43 to 368 mappings (correspondences), all derived from domain-expert input. Despite the many pairwise correspondences, only 11 correspondences were found in common between all ontologies, suggesting either major intrinsic differences between each ontology or gaps in representing each group\u2019s anatomy. Furthermore, we compare our findings with putative correspondences from Bioportal (derived from LOOM software) and summarize the results in a total evidence alignment. We briefly discuss characteristics of the ontologies and issues with the matching process.\n\nA great example of the difficulty of matching across ontologies, particularly when the granularity or subjects of ontologies vary.\n\nOntology Alert! Molds are able to reproduce sexually\n\nThursday, January 10th, 2013\n\nUnlike we thought for 100 years: Molds are able to reproduce sexually\n\nFor over 100 years, it was assumed that the penicillin-producing mould fungus Penicillium chrysogenum only reproduced asexually through spores. An international research team led by Prof. Dr. Ulrich K\u00fcck and Julia B\u00f6hm from the Chair of General and Molecular Botany at the Ruhr-Universit\u00e4t has now shown for the first time that the fungus also has a sexual cycle, i.e. two \u201cgenders\u201d. Through sexual reproduction of P. chrysogenum, the researchers generated fungal strains with new biotechnologically relevant properties \u2013 such as high penicillin production without the contaminating chrysogenin. The team from Bochum, G\u00f6ttingen, Nottingham (England), Kundl (Austria) and Sandoz GmbH reports in PNAS. The article will be published in this week\u2019s Online Early Edition and was selected as a cover story.\n\nJ. B\u00f6hm, B. Hoff, C.M. O\u2019Gorman, S. Wolfers, V. Klix, D. Binger, I. Zadra, H. K\u00fcrnsteiner, S. P\u00f6ggeler, P.S. Dyer, U. K\u00fcck (2013): Sexual reproduction and mating-type \u2013 mediated strain development in the penicillin-producing fungus Penicillium chrysogenum, PNAS, DOI: 10.1073\/pnas.1217943110\n\nIf you have hard coded asexual reproduction into your ontology, time to reconsider that decision. And get agreement on reworking all the dependent relationships.\n\nSemantically enabling a genome-wide association study database\n\nSaturday, January 5th, 2013\n\nSemantically enabling a genome-wide association study database by Tim Beck, Robert C Free, Gudmundur A Thorisson and Anthony J Brookes. Journal of Biomedical Semantics 2012, 3:9 doi:10.1186\/2041-1480-3-9.\n\nAbstract:\n\nBackground\n\nThe amount of data generated from genome-wide association studies (GWAS) has grown rapidly, but considerations for GWAS phenotype data reuse and interchange have not kept pace. This impacts on the work of GWAS Central \u2014 a free and open access resource for the advanced querying and comparison of summary-level genetic association data. The benefits of employing ontologies for standardising and structuring data are widely accepted. The complex spectrum of observed human phenotypes (and traits), and the requirement for cross-species phenotype comparisons, calls for reflection on the most appropriate solution for the organisation of human phenotype data. The Semantic Web provides standards for the possibility of further integration of GWAS data and the ability to contribute to the web of Linked Data.\n\nResults\n\nA pragmatic consideration when applying phenotype ontologies to GWAS data is the ability to retrieve all data, at the most granular level possible, from querying a single ontology graph. We found the Medical Subject Headings (MeSH) terminology suitable for describing all traits (diseases and medical signs and symptoms) at various levels of granularity and the Human Phenotype Ontology (HPO) most suitable for describing phenotypic abnormalities (medical signs and symptoms) at the most granular level. Diseases within MeSH are mapped to HPO to infer the phenotypic abnormalities associated with diseases. Building on the rich semantic phenotype annotation layer, we are able to make cross-species phenotype comparisons and publish a core subset of GWAS data as RDF nanopublications.\n\nConclusions\n\nWe present a methodology for applying phenotype annotations to a comprehensive genome-wide association dataset and for ensuring compatibility with the Semantic Web. The annotations are used to assist with cross-species genotype and phenotype comparisons. However, further processing and deconstructions of terms may be required to facilitate automatic phenotype comparisons. The provision of GWAS nanopublications enables a new dimension for exploring GWAS data, by way of intrinsic links to related data resources within the Linked Data web. The value of such annotation and integration will grow as more biomedical resources adopt the standards of the Semantic Web.\n\nRather than:\n\nThe benefits of employing ontologies for standardising and structuring data are widely accepted.\n\nI would rephrase that to read:\n\nThe benefits and limitations of employing ontologies for standardising and structuring data are widely known.\n\nDecades of use of relational database schemas, informal equivalents of ontologies, leave no doubt governing structures for data have benefits.\n\nLess often acknowledged is those same governing structures impose limitations on data and what may be represented.\n\nThat\u2019s not a dig at relational databases.\n\nJust an observation that ontologies and their equivalents aren\u2019t unalloyed precious metals.\n\nStandard Upper Merged Ontology (SUMO), One of the \u201cLess Fortunate\u201d at Christmas Time.\n\nSunday, December 23rd, 2012\n\nAt this happy time of the year you should give some thought to the \u201cless fortunate,\u201d such as the Standard Upper Merged Ontology (SUMO).\n\nElementary school physics teaches four (4) states of matter: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, which SUMO enshrines as:\n\n(subclass PhysicalState InternalAttribute) (contraryAttribute Solid Liquid Gas Plasma) (exhaustiveAttribute PhysicalState Solid Fluid Liquid Gas Plasma) (documentation PhysicalState EnglishLanguage \"The physical state of an &%Object. There are three reified instances of this &%Class: &%Solid, &%Liquid, and &%Gas. Physical changes are not characterized by the transformation of one substance into another, but rather by the change of the form (physical states) of a given substance. For example, melting an iron nail yields a substance still called iron.\") ... \n\nBest thing is just to say it, there are over 500 phases of matter. A new method for classifying the states of matter offers insight into the design of superconductors and quantum computers.\n\nSUMO is still \u201cvalid\u201d in the sense Newtonian physics are still \u201cvalid,\u201d provided your instruments or requirements are crude enough.\n\nUse of these new states in research and engineering are underway, making indexing and retrieval active concerns.\n\nShould we could ask researchers to withhold publications until SUMO and other ontology based systems have time to catch up?\n\nOther alternatives?\n\nI first saw this in: The 500 Phases of Matter: New System Successfully Classifies Symmetry-Protected Phases (Science Daily).\n\nX. Chen, Z.-C. Gu, Z.-X. Liu, X.-G. Wen. Symmetry-Protected Topological Orders in Interacting Bosonic Systems. Science, 2012; 338 (6114): 1604 DOI: 10.1126\/science.1227224\n\nTranformation versus Addition (How Ontologies Differ from Topic Maps)\n\nMonday, November 12th, 2012\n\nWhile reading An Ontological Representation of Biomedical Data Sources and Records by Michael Bada, Kevin Livingston, and Lawrence Hunter, I realized an essential difference between ontologies and topic maps.\n\nan an OWL-based model for the representation of these database records as an intermediate solution for the integration of these data in RDF stores.\n\nThat is to say they transformed the original records into a representation in OWL.\n\nWhich then allowed them to query consistently across the records, due to the transformation into a new, uniform representation.\n\nContrast that to topic maps, which offer an additive solution.\n\nTopic maps enable the creation of an entity and the addition to that entity the equivalent identifications from all 17 databases.\n\nAny other databases that become of interest can be added to the topic map in the same way.\n\nAnother way to say the difference is that ontologies set forth \u201ca\u201d way to make any statement, whereas topic maps collect multiple ways to say the same thing.\n\nWhich solution works best for you will depend on your requirements, existing efforts in your field, data that you wish to use, etc.\n\nNone of those considerations involve the software being sold by a vendor, advocated by devotees or similar considerations.\n\nAny solution should fit your needs or you should simply walk away.\n\nAn Ontological Representation of Biomedical Data Sources and Records [Data & Record as Subjects]\n\nMonday, November 12th, 2012\n\nAn Ontological Representation of Biomedical Data Sources and Records by Michael Bada, Kevin Livingston, and Lawrence Hunter.\n\nAbstract:\n\nLarge RDF-triple stores have been the basis of prominent recent attempts to integrate the vast quantities of data in semantically divergent databases. However, these repositories often conflate data-source records, which are information content entities, and the biomedical concepts and assertions denoted by them. We propose an ontological model for the representation of data sources and their records as an extension of the Information Artifact Ontology. Using this model, we have consistently represented the contents of 17 prominent biomedical databases as a 5.6-billion RDF-triple knowledge base, enabling querying and inference over this large store of integrated data.\n\nRecognition of the need to treat data containers as subjects, along with the data they contain, is always refreshing.\n\nIn particular because the evolution of data sources can be captured, as the authors remark:\n\nOur ontology is fully capable of handling the evolution of data sources: If the schema of a given data set is changed, a new instance of the schema is simply created, along with the instances of the fields of the new schema. If the data sets of a data source change (or a new set is made available), an instance for each new data set can be created, along with instances for its schema and fields. (Modeling of incremental change rather than creation of new instances may be desirable but poses significant representational challenges.) Additionally, using our model, if a researcher wishes to work with multiple versions of a given data source (e.g., to analyze some aspect of multiple versions of a given database), an instance for each version of the data source can be created. If different versions of a data source consist of different data sets (e.g., different file organizations) and\/or different schemas and fields, the explicit representation of all of these elements and their linkages will make the respective structures of the disparate data-source versions unambiguous. Furthermore, it may be the case that only a subset of a data source needs to be represented; in such a case, only instances of the data sets, schemas, and fields of interest are created.\n\nI first saw this in a tweet by Anita de Waard.\n\nAn Ontology of Reasoning, Certainty and Attribution (ORCA)\n\nMonday, November 12th, 2012\n\nAn Ontology of Reasoning, Certainty and Attribution (ORCA) by Anita de Waard and Jodi Schneider.\n\nAnita\u2019s slides for her presentation tomorrow at ISWC2012.\n\nInteresting slides that conclude with copious references to the literature.\n\nI don\u2019t doubt that \u201chedging\u201d can be detected, but am less certain about the granularity allowed by the presented model.\n\nStill, interesting research and merits your attention.\n\nFriday, November 9th, 2012\n\nkaon, the Knowledge Attribution Ontology by Aidan Hogan and Jodi Schneider (DERI).\n\nAbstract:\n\norca, the Ontology of Reasoning, Certainty and Attribution, is an ontology for characterizing the certainty of information, how it is known, and its source\n\nI am not sure of the utility of hyperlinks to identify authors when they are not publicly accessible (as is the case here, 9 November 2012).\n\nBeing curious about the usage of \u201corca:directlyLessCertainThan\u201d I searched for its usage, finding only the vocabulary page.\n\nDitto for: \u201chttp:\/\/vocab.deri.ie\/orca#directlyLessCertainThan.\u201d\n\nResearch of usage of terms in ontological vocabularies and the communities that use them, say in the Common Crawl dataset could be quite useful.\n\nSemantics, afterall, are determined by common usage, not decree.\n\nSemantic Technologies \u2014 Biomedical Informatics \u2014 Individualized Medicine\n\nFriday, November 9th, 2012\n\nJoint Workshop on Semantic Technologies Applied to Biomedical Informatics and Individualized Medicine (SATBI+SWIM 2012) (In conjunction with International Semantic Web Conference (ISWC 2012) Boston, Massachusetts, U.S.A. November 11-15, 2012)\n\nIf you are at ISWC, consider attending.\n\nTo help with that choice, the accepted papers:\n\nJim McCusker, Jeongmin Lee, Chavon Thomas and Deborah L. McGuinness. Public Health Surveillance Using Global Health Explorer. [PDF]\n\nAnita de Waard and Jodi Schneider. Formalising Uncertainty: An Ontology of Reasoning, Certainty and Attribution (ORCA). [PDF]\n\nAlexander Baranya, Luis Landaeta, Alexandra La Cruz and Maria-Esther Vidal. A Workflow for Improving Medical Visualization of Semantically Annotated CT-Images. [PDF]\n\nDerek Corrigan, Jean Karl Soler and Brendan Delaney. Development of an Ontological Model of Evidence for TRANSFoRm Utilizing Transition Project Data. [PDF]\n\nAmina Chniti, Abdelali BOUSSADI, Patrice DEGOULET, Patrick Albert and Jean Charlet. Pharmaceutical Validation of Medication Orders Using an OWL Ontology and Business Rules. [PDF]\n\nManual Gene Ontology annotation workflow\n\nSunday, November 4th, 2012\n\nManual Gene Ontology annotation workflow at the Mouse Genome Informatics Database by Harold J. Drabkin, Judith A. Blake and for the Mouse Genome Informatics Database. Database (2012) 2012 : bas045 doi: 10.1093\/database\/bas045.\n\nAbstract:\n\nThe Mouse Genome Database, the Gene Expression Database and the Mouse Tumor Biology database are integrated components of the Mouse Genome Informatics (MGI) resource (http:\/\/www.informatics.jax.org). The MGI system presents both a consensus view and an experimental view of the knowledge concerning the genetics and genomics of the laboratory mouse. From genotype to phenotype, this information resource integrates information about genes, sequences, maps, expression analyses, alleles, strains and mutant phenotypes. Comparative mammalian data are also presented particularly in regards to the use of the mouse as a model for the investigation of molecular and genetic components of human diseases. These data are collected from literature curation as well as downloads of large datasets (SwissProt, LocusLink, etc.). MGI is one of the founding members of the Gene Ontology (GO) and uses the GO for functional annotation of genes. Here, we discuss the workflow associated with manual GO annotation at MGI, from literature collection to display of the annotations. Peer-reviewed literature is collected mostly from a set of journals available electronically. Selected articles are entered into a master bibliography and indexed to one of eight areas of interest such as \u2018GO\u2019 or \u2018homology\u2019 or \u2018phenotype\u2019. Each article is then either indexed to a gene already contained in the database or funneled through a separate nomenclature database to add genes. The master bibliography and associated indexing provide information for various curator-reports such as \u2018papers selected for GO that refer to genes with NO GO annotation\u2019. Once indexed, curators who have expertise in appropriate disciplines enter pertinent information. MGI makes use of several controlled vocabularies that ensure uniform data encoding, enable robust analysis and support the construction of complex queries. These vocabularies range from pick-lists to structured vocabularies such as the GO. All data associations are supported with statements of evidence as well as access to source publications.\n\nSemantic uniformity is achievable, in a limited enough sphere, provided you are willing to pay the price for it.\n\nIt has a high rate of return over less carefully curated content.\n\nThe project is producing high quality results, although hampered by a lack of resources.\n\nMy question is whether a similar high quality of results could be achieved with less semantically consistent curation by distributed contributors?\n\nHarnessing the community of those interested in such a resource. And refining those less semantically consistent entries into higher quality annotations.\n\nPointers to examples of such projects?\n\nThe \u201cO\u201d Word (Ontology) Isn\u2019t Enough\n\nTuesday, October 16th, 2012\n\nThe Units Ontology makes reference to the Gene Ontology as an example of a successful web ontology effort.\n\nAs it should. The Gene Ontology (GO) is the only successful web ontology effort. A universe with one (1) inhabitant.\n\nThe GO has a number of differences from wannabe successful ontology candidates. (see the article below)\n\nThe first difference echoes loudly across the semantic engineering universe:\n\nOne of the factors that account for GO\u2019s success is that it originated from within the biological community rather than being created and subsequently imposed by external knowledge engineers. Terms were created by those who had expertise in the domain, thus avoiding the huge effort that would have been required for a computer scientist to learn and organize large amounts of biological functional information. This also led to general acceptance of the terminology and its organization within the community. This is not to say that there have been no disagreements among biologists over the conceptualization, and there is of course a protocol for arriving at a consensus when there is such a disagreement. However, a model of a domain is more likely to conform to the shared view of a community if the modelers are within or at least consult to a large degree with members of that community.\n\nDid you catch that first line?\n\nOne of the factors that account for GO\u2019s success is that it originated from within the biological community rather than being created and subsequently imposed by external knowledge engineers.\n\nSaying the \u201cO\u201d word, ontology, that will benefit everyone if they will just listen to you, isn\u2019t enough.\n\nThere are other factors to consider:\n\nA Short Study on the Success of the Gene Ontology by Michael Bada, Robert Stevens, Carole Goble, Yolanda Gil, Michael Ashburner, Judith A. Blake, J. Michael Cherry, Midori Harris, Suzanna Lewis.\n\nAbstract:\n\nWhile most ontologies have been used only by the groups who created them and for their initially defined purposes, the Gene Ontology (GO), an evolving structured controlled vocabulary of nearly 16,000 terms in the domain of biological functionality, has been widely used for annotation of biological-database entries and in biomedical research. As a set of learned lessons offered to other ontology developers, we list and briefly discuss the characteristics of GO that we believe are most responsible for its success: community involvement; clear goals; limited scope; simple, intuitive structure; continuous evolution; active curation; and early use.\n\nThe Units Ontology: a tool for integrating units of measurement in science\n\nSunday, October 14th, 2012\n\nThe Units Ontology: a tool for integrating units of measurement in science by Georgios V. Gkoutos, Paul N. Schofield, and Robert Hoehndorf. ( Database (2012) 2012 : bas033 doi: 10.1093\/database\/bas03)\n\nAbstract:\n\nUnits are basic scientific tools that render meaning to numerical data. Their standardization and formalization caters for the report, exchange, process, reproducibility and integration of quantitative measurements. Ontologies are means that facilitate the integration of data and knowledge allowing interoperability and semantic information processing between diverse biomedical resources and domains. Here, we present the Units Ontology (UO), an ontology currently being used in many scientific resources for the standardized description of units of measurements.\n\nAs the paper acknowledges, there are many measurement systems in use today.\n\nLeaves me puzzled as to what happens to data that follows some other drummer? Other than this one?\n\nI assume any coherent system has no difficulty integrating data written in that system.\n\nSo how does adding another coherent system assist in that integration?\n\nUnless everyone universally moves to the new system. Unlikely don\u2019t you think?\n\nThe 2012 ACM Computing Classification System toc\n\nFriday, September 21st, 2012\n\nThe 2012 ACM Computing Classification System toc\n\nFrom the post:\n\nThe 2012 ACM Computing Classification System has been developed as a poly-hierarchical ontology that can be utilized in semantic web applications. It replaces the traditional 1998 version of the ACM Computing Classification System (CCS), which has served as the de facto standard classification system for the computing field. It is being integrated into the search capabilities and visual topic displays of the ACM Digital Library. It relies on a semantic vocabulary as the single source of categories and concepts that reflect the state of the art of the computing discipline and is receptive to structural change as it evolves in the future. ACM will a provide tools to facilitate the application of 2012 CCS categories to forthcoming papers and a process to ensure that the CCS stays current and relevant. The new classification system will play a key role in the development of a people search interface in the ACM Digital Library to supplement its current traditional bibliographic search.\n\nThe full CCS classification tree is freely available for educational and research purposes in these downloadable formats: SKOS (xml), Word, and HTML. In the ACM Digital Library, the CCS is presented in a visual display format that facilitates navigation and feedback.\n\nWill be looking at how the classification has changed since 1998. And since we have so much data online, should not be all that hard to see how well 1998 categories work for 1988, or 1977?\n\nAll for a classification that is \u201ccurrent and relevant.\u201d\n\nStill, don\u2019t want papers dropping off the edge of the semantic world due to changes in classification.\n\nLegal Rules, Text and Ontologies Over Time [The eternal \"now?\"]\n\nMonday, September 3rd, 2012\n\nLegal Rules, Text and Ontologies Over Time by Monica Palmirani, Tommaso Ognibene and Luca Cervone.\n\nAbstract:\n\nThe current paper presents the \u201cFill the gap\u201d project that aims to design a set of XML standards for modelling legal documents in the Semantic Web over time. The goal of the project is to design an information system using XML standards able to store in an XML-native database legal resources and legal rules in an integrated way for supporting legal knowledge engineers and end-users (e.g., public administrative officers, judges, citizens).\n\nThe law changes over time and consequently change the rules and the ontological classes (e.g., the definition of EU citizenship changed in 2004 with the annexation of 10 new member states in the European Community). It is also fundamental to assign dates to the ontology and to the rules, , based on an analytical approach, to the text, and analyze the relationships among sets of dates. The semantic web cake recommends that content, metadata should be modelled and represented in separate and clean layers. This recommendation is not widely followed from too many XML schemas, including those in the legal domain. The layers of content and rules are often confused to pursue a short annotation syntax, or procedural performance parameters or simply because a neat analysis of the semantic and abstract components is missing.\n\nNot being mindful of time, of the effective date of changes to laws, the dates of events\/transactions, can be hazardous to your pocketbook and\/or your freedom!\n\nDoes your topic map account for time or does it exist in an eternal \u201cnow?\u201d like the WWW?\n\nI first saw this at Legal Informatics.\n\nCommunity Based Annotation (mapping?)\n\nThursday, August 2nd, 2012\n\nEnabling authors to annotate their articles is examined in: Assessment of community-submitted ontology annotations from a novel database-journal partnership by Tanya Z. Berardini, Donghui Li, Robert Muller, Raymond Chetty, Larry Ploetz, Shanker Singh, April Wensel and Eva Huala.\n\nAbstract:\n\nAs the scientific literature grows, leading to an increasing volume of published experimental data, so does the need to access and analyze this data using computational tools. The most commonly used method to convert published experimental data on gene function into controlled vocabulary annotations relies on a professional curator, employed by a model organism database or a more general resource such as UniProt, to read published articles and compose annotation statements based on the articles\u2019 contents. A more cost-effective and scalable approach capable of capturing gene function data across the whole range of biological research organisms in computable form is urgently needed.\n\nWe have analyzed a set of ontology annotations generated through collaborations between the Arabidopsis Information Resource and several plant science journals. Analysis of the submissions entered using the online submission tool shows that most community annotations were well supported and the ontology terms chosen were at an appropriate level of specificity. Of the 503 individual annotations that were submitted, 97% were approved and community submissions captured 72% of all possible annotations. This new method for capturing experimental results in a computable form provides a cost-effective way to greatly increase the available body of annotations without sacrificing annotation quality.\n\nIt is encouraging that this annotation effort started with the persons most likely to know the correct answers, authors of the papers in question.\n\nThe low initial participation rate (16%) and improved after email reminder rate (53%), were less encouraging.\n\nI suspect unless and until prior annotation practices (by researchers) becomes a line item on current funding requests (how many annotations were accepted by publishers of your prior research?), we will continue to see annotations to be a low priority item.\n\nPerhaps I should suggest that as a study area for the NIH?\n\nPublishers, researchers who build annotation software, annotated data sources and their maintainers, are all likely to be interested.\n\nWould you be interested as well?\n\nThe Ontology for Biomedical Investigations (OBI)\n\nSunday, July 15th, 2012\n\nThe Ontology for Biomedical Investigations (OBI)\n\nFrom the webpage:\n\nThe Ontology for Biomedical Investigations (OBI) project is developing an integrated ontology for the description of biological and clinical investigations. This includes a set of \u2018universal\u2019 terms, that are applicable across various biological and technological domains, and domain-specific terms relevant only to a given domain. This ontology will support the consistent annotation of biomedical investigations, regardless of the particular field of study. The ontology will represent the design of an investigation, the protocols and instrumentation used, the material used, the data generated and the type analysis performed on it. Currently OBI is being built under the Basic Formal Ontology (BFO).\n\n\u2022 Develop an Ontology for Biomedical Investigations in collaboration with groups representing different biological and technological domains involved in Biomedical Investigations\n\u2022 Make OBI compatible with other bio-ontologies\n\u2022 Develop OBI using an open source approach\n\u2022 Create a valuable resource for the biomedical communities to provide a source of terms for consistent annotation of investigations\n\nAn ontology that will be of interest if you are integrating biomedical materials.\n\nAt least as a starting point.\n\nMy listing of ontologies, vocabularies, etc., for any field are woefully incomplete for any field and represent at best starting points for your own, more comprehensive investigations. If you do find these starting points useful, please send pointers to your more complete investigations for any field.\n\nAn XML-Format for Conjectures in Geometry (Work-in-Progress)\n\nSaturday, July 14th, 2012\n\nAn XML-Format for Conjectures in Geometry (Work-in-Progress) by Pedro Quaresma.\n\nAbstract:\n\nWith a large number of software tools dedicated to the visualisation and\/or demonstration of properties of geometric constructions and also with the emerging of repositories of geometric constructions, there is a strong need of linking them, and making them and their corpora, widely usable. A common setting for interoperable interactive geometry was already proposed, the i2g format, but, in this format, the conjectures and proofs counterparts are missing. A common format capable of linking all the tools in the field of geometry is missing. In this paper an extension of the i2g format is proposed, this extension is capable of describing not only the geometric constructions but also the geometric conjectures. The integration of this format into the Web-based GeoThms, TGTP and Web Geometry Laboratory systems is also discussed.\n\nThe author notes open questions as:\n\n\u2022 The xml format must be complemented with an extensive set of converters allowing the exchange of information between as many geometric tools as possible.\n\u2022 The databases queries, as in TGTP, raise the question of selecting appropriate keywords. A fine grain index and\/or an appropriate geometry ontology should be addressed.\n\u2022 The i2gatp format does not address proofs. Should we try to create such a format? The GATPs produce proofs in quite different formats, maybe the construction of such unifying format it is not possible and\/or desirable in this area.\n\nThe \u201ckeywords,\u201d \u201cfine grained index,\u201d \u201cgeometry ontology,\u201d question yells \u201ctopic map\u201d to me.\n\nYou?\n\nPS: Converters and different formats also say \u201ctopic map,\u201d just not as loudly to me. Your volume may vary. (YVMV)\n\n.\n\nBroccoli: Semantic Full-Text Search at your Fingertips\n\nFriday, July 13th, 2012\n\nBroccoli: Semantic Full-Text Search at your Fingertips by Hannah Bast, Florian B\u00e4urle, Bj\u00f6rn Buchhold, and Elmar Haussmann.\n\nAbstract:\n\nWe present Broccoli, a fast and easy-to-use search engine for what we call semantic full-text search. Semantic full-text search combines the capabilities of standard full-text search and ontology search. The search operates on four kinds of objects: ordinary words (e.g. edible), classes (e.g. plants), instances (e.g. Broccoli), and relations (e.g. occurs-with or native-to). Queries are trees, where nodes are arbitrary bags of these objects, and arcs are relations. The user interface guides the user in incrementally constructing such trees by instant (search-as-you-type) suggestions of words, classes, instances, or relations that lead to good hits. Both standard full-text search and pure ontology search are included as special cases. In this paper, we describe the query language of Broccoli, a new kind of index that enables fast processing of queries from that language as well as fast query suggestion, the natural language processing required, and the user interface. We evaluated query times and result quality on the full version of the EnglishWikipedia (32 GB XML dump) combined with the YAGO ontology (26 million facts). We have implemented a fully-functional prototype based on our ideas, see this http URL\n\nIt\u2019s good to see CS projects work so hard to find unambiguous names. That won\u2019t be confused with far more common uses of the same names.\n\nFor all that, on quick review it does look like a clever, if annoyingly named, project.\n\nHmmm, doesn\u2019t like the \u201c-\u201d (hyphen) character. \u201cgraph-theoretical tree\u201d returns 0 results, \u201cgraph theoretical tree\u201d returns 1 (the expected one).\n\nOne puzzle though. There are a number of projects that use Wikipedia data dumps. The problem is most of the documents I am interested in searching aren\u2019t in Wikipedia data dumps. Like the Enron emails.\n\nTechniques that work well with clean data may work less well with documents composed of the vagaries of human communication. Or attempts at communication.\n\nSemantator: annotating clinical narratives with semantic web ontologies\n\nThursday, July 12th, 2012\n\nSemantator: annotating clinical narratives with semantic web ontologies by Dezhao Song, Christopher G. Chute, and Cui Tao. (AMIA Summits Transl Sci Proc. 2012;2012:20-9. Epub 2012 Mar 19.)\n\nAbstract:\n\nTo facilitate clinical research, clinical data needs to be stored in a machine processable and understandable way. Manual annotating clinical data is time consuming. Automatic approaches (e.g., Natural Language Processing systems) have been adopted to convert such data into structured formats; however, the quality of such automatically extracted data may not always be satisfying. In this paper, we propose Semantator, a semi-automatic tool for document annotation with Semantic Web ontologies. With a loaded free text document and an ontology, Semantator supports the creation\/deletion of ontology instances for any document fragment, linking\/disconnecting instances with the properties in the ontology, and also enables automatic annotation by connecting to the NCBO annotator and cTAKES. By representing annotations in Semantic Web standards, Semantator supports reasoning based upon the underlying semantics of the owl:disjointWith and owl:equivalentClass predicates. We present discussions based on user experiences of using Semantator.\n\nIf you are an AMIA member, see above for the paper. If not, see: Semantator: annotating clinical narratives with semantic web ontologies (PDF file). And the software\/webpage: Semantator.\n\nSoftware is a plugin for Protege 4.1 or higher.\n\nLooking at the extensive screen shots at the website, which has good documentation, the first question I would ask a potential user is: \u201cAre you comfortable with Protege?\u201d If they aren\u2019t I suspect you are going to invest a lot of time in teaching them ontologies and Protege. Just an FYI.\n\nComplex authoring tools, particularly for newbies, seem like a non-starter to me. For example, why not have a standalone entity extractor (but don\u2019t call it that, call it \u201cI See You (ISY)) that uses a preloaded entity file to recognize entities in a text. Where there is uncertainty, those are displayed in a different color, with drop down options on possible other entities. User get to pick one from the list (no write in ballots). Performs a step towards getting clean data for a second round with another one-trick-pony tool. User contributes, we all benefit.\n\nWhich brings me to the common shortfall of annotation solutions: the requirement that the text to be annotated be in plain text.\n\nThere are lot of \u201ctext\u201d documents but what of those in Word, PDF, Postscript, PPT, Excel, to say nothing of other formats?\n\nThe past will not disappear for want of a robust annotation solution.\n\nNor should it.\n\nKnowledge Design Patterns\n\nSaturday, June 16th, 2012\n\nKnowledge Design Patterns\n\nJohn Sowa announced these slides as:\n\nLast week, I presented a 3-hour tutorial on Knowledge Design Patterns at the Semantic Technology Conference in San Francisco. Following are the slides:\n\nThe talk was presented on June 4, but these are the June 10th version of the slides. They include a few revisions and extensions, which I added to clarify some of the issues and to answer some of the questions that were asked during the presentation.\n\nAnd John posted an outline of the 130 slides:\n\nOutline of This Tutorial\n\n1. What are knowledge design patterns?\n2. Foundations of ontology.\n3. Syllogisms, categorical and hypothetical.\n4. Patterns of logic.\n5. Combining logic and ontology.\n6. Patterns of patterns of patterns.\n7. Simplifying the user interface.\n\nParticularly if you have never seen a Sowa presentation, take a look at the slides.","date":"2013-05-25 10:08:47","metadata":"{\"extraction_info\": {\"found_math\": true, \"script_math_tex\": 0, \"script_math_asciimath\": 0, \"math_annotations\": 0, \"math_alttext\": 0, \"mathml\": 0, \"mathjax_tag\": 0, \"mathjax_inline_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_display_tex\": 0, \"mathjax_asciimath\": 1, \"img_math\": 0, \"codecogs_latex\": 0, \"wp_latex\": 0, \"mimetex.cgi\": 0, \"\/images\/math\/codecogs\": 0, \"mathtex.cgi\": 0, \"katex\": 0, \"math-container\": 0, \"wp-katex-eq\": 0, \"align\": 0, \"equation\": 0, \"x-ck12\": 0, \"texerror\": 0, \"math_score\": 0.30384930968284607, \"perplexity\": 3732.85575333709}, \"config\": {\"markdown_headings\": false, \"markdown_code\": true, \"boilerplate_config\": {\"ratio_threshold\": 0.18, \"absolute_threshold\": 10, \"end_threshold\": 15, \"enable\": true}, \"remove_buttons\": true, \"remove_image_figures\": true, \"remove_link_clusters\": true, \"table_config\": {\"min_rows\": 2, \"min_cols\": 3, \"format\": \"plain\"}, \"remove_chinese\": true, \"remove_edit_buttons\": true, \"extract_latex\": true}, \"warc_path\": \"s3:\/\/commoncrawl\/crawl-data\/CC-MAIN-2013-20\/segments\/1368705926946\/warc\/CC-MAIN-20130516120526-00064-ip-10-60-113-184.ec2.internal.warc.gz\"}"}
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Being born again by the grace of God
[Kiribati] News of Establishment of Good News Tarawa Church and IYF Branch
Kiribati witness trip prepared by God
Beginning with the first encounter of the IYF with the former Education Minister of Kiribati during his participation at the Incheon World Education Forum in May of last year, the prayers of Pastor Ock Soo Park for the islands of the Pacific from 40 years ago started to bear fruit.
According to the Education Minister of Kiribati having made an official request to the founder of IYF, Pastor Ock Soo Park for the establishment of an IYF branch in Kiribati last year in February, the Good News Tarawa Church and IYF branch has been established in Tarawa Island, the capital of Kiribati.
Missionary Tae Hyun Yoon who has been dispatched to Kiribati and Missionary Ha Young Nam arrived in the island a week before the witness journey team's schedule and prepared a mind lecture and bible seminar in three places – Kiribati Teachers College, University of the South Pacific, and Tarawa Technical Institute. On the other hand, a meeting with the new government's ministers and president from March was prepared. Moreover, through a coincidental encounter at the Fiji Airport with former president Anote Tong who was returning from a vacation in Hawaii after the end of his term and having traveled to Kiribati by the same airplane, a meeting with the former president was naturally carried forward.
Pastor Young Joon Park's party that arrived in Kiribati through Fiji on March 31st split up in two groups and headed towards the mind lecture venues in Kiribati Teachers College and University of the South Pacific as soon as they unpacked at the hotel. Kiribati Teachers College is the sole education institute that produces elementary teachers. The president received salvation through the visit of the previous witness journey team and it was by his invitation that a mind lecture was able to be held for three days at the college.
From the first day, Pastor Young Joon Park preached the gospel under the topic of the true meaning of Easter that passed a short while ago. He said, "Jesus died for all our filthy sins and resurrected for our righteousness. Everyone, do you believe in the resurrection of Jesus? Then, all of you are righteous!" Many students that listened to the Words realized the true meaning of Easter, were freed from sins, and received salvation.
At the mind lecture carried out at the same time in the University of the South Pacific, Pastor Im Gon Kim preached the gospel. Meanwhile, Pastor Woon Gi Yang preached the gospel in Tarawa Technical Institute which has been connected with the IYF recently for the first time. Along with the mind lecture, a meeting with the new government's ministers was carried out from the second day. After listening to the briefing of IYF activities, the Education Minister welcomed the IYF saying, "Many people deal with people who their head and work with their head, but the head has no strength. I believe the ability to change this world is only in the mind. I am glad to meet with an organization that works for youths with heart."
At the following meeting with the Youth Deputy Minister also, he congratulated the establishment of the IYF branch in Kiribati and commented, "In order to change the youths, adults and leaders like us must change first. I would like to change firsthand though the IYF mind lecture. I will help with anything that the IYF is doing."
Through God's work of allowing the advance party to encounter the former president in the airplane to Kiribati from Fiji, a meeting with the former president also took place. Pastor Young Joon Park appointed former president Anote Tong who came to the meeting place with his son as IYF Advisor proposing that the IYF wished to work for the Kiribati youths together. The former president also gladly accepted the proposal saying, "If there is one mission that will never change during and after my presidential term, it is to help the youths live a brighter and happy future. What the IYF does is exactly what I would like to do." The former president's son who accompanied Mr. Tong also showed great interest after watching the IYF activities video. The meeting that took place for about an hour became an opportunity to become closer with the former president from the heart.
Recently, the opposition party leader fulfilled change of regime in 12 years and a meeting with President Taneti Maamau, the 8th elected president of Kiribati was difficult to realize. Although there were several attempts to reach him through ministers and secretaries, nothing could be confirmed due to his busy schedule. However, God moved the heart of the secretary and a meeting was dramatically confirmed. On April 4th, the witness journey team was able to meet with the president right before leaving Kiribati. After watching an introduction video of the IYF, the president questioned in detail about Pastor Ock Soo who established the IYF that is carrying out activities in various fields such as mind education, world camps, music, medical volunteer etc. He expressed his wishes to meet him and Pastor Young Joon Park officially invited the president to the Korea World Camp. The president promised to attend the Korea World Camp if time allows and, the 30-minute meeting ended.
God prepared the best house to use as the church and IYF headquarters at the best location in Tarawa, the capital of Kiribati. The president was also delighted that the building is right beside the party headquarters he is leading.
The smallest and poorest land of Kiribati situated in the center of the Pacific with a population of approximately 100,000; God's plan towards this country is great and amazing. Now, there is great hope that God will work in Kiribati through the established church and His children. The true gospel is being shone upon the people of Kiribati with a pure, humble, and transparent heart like that of a smelt only made by God.
SERMON OF THE MONTH
Copyright © 2020 by GOOD NEWS MISSION. All rights reserved.
|
{
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}
| 513
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Dogs of the Ancient Indus Valley
A number of dog figurines have been found at Harappa and at other Indus sites. The collars found on dog figurines probably signify domestication, unlike the collars on the rhinoceros or the large feline figurines.
An Ancient Indus Die
A cubical die with 1 to 6 dots was found in rubble during excavations at Harappa. Many such dice were also found at Mohenjo-daro. John Marshall writes: "That dicing was a common game at Mohenjo-daro is proved by the number of pieces that have been found.
Deity Seal
Deity seal from Mohenjo-daro. E.J.H. Mackay writes of what he calls a "deity, seated in what may be a yogi attitude" where, in this case, "the stool is omitted, however, and the figure is apparently seated upon the ground.
Ancient Female Figures and Flower Headdresses
Figurine with flower headdress from Harappa and a reconstructed headdress in gold found with a serving girl found with Queen Puabi at the royal burials at Ur in Mesopotamia ca. 2600 BCE.
Spotted Dog Figurine from Chanhu-daro
Figurine of a cheeky spotted dog from Chanhu-daro shows the personality Indus craftsmen could imbue a 7 cm sized figurine with. From the Museum of Fine Arts, Boston collection based on the 1935 US-led excavations at Chanhu-daro, Sindh. More at Museum of Fine
Urban Construction of Mohenjo-daro
A rarely seen image of deep diggings at Mohenjo-daro in 1950 gives some sense of the density of urban construction in the city.
Jewelry from Mohenjo-daro
Includes long carnelian beads and necklace, fired steatite beads and gold objects, terra cotta bangles and detail in red, white and green, metal bangles and gold and agate ornaments. See also Carnelian Beads and Ornaments and Jewelry.
Indus-style Boat
The nautical historian Basil Greenhill makes an interesting point about why this boat style may have endured on the Indus: "As for the punts [long, narrow, flat-bottomed boats, square at both ends and propelled with a long pole, used on inland waters chiefly
Rare White Marble Cylinder Seal from Jiroft
A rare white marble cylinder seal from Jiroft.
Mohenjo-daro 50 Years Ago in 6 Images
Mohenjo-daro 50 Year Ago in 6 shots. A long view towards the Great Bath, the Great Bath, a narrow street, a street with a covered drain, a photographer at the site, and the Stupa Mound, all in 1962. See also Urban Construction of Mohenjo-daro.
Large Indus House and Interior Room Drawing, Mohenjo-daro
John Marshall writes "House 13 in the VS Area has a more elaborate plan . . . On its ground floor are four fair-sized courts, ten smaller rooms, three staircases, a porter's lodge, and a well-chamber.
Kot Diji Phase Button Seal
This seal plays an illustrative role in Asko Parpola's essay Beginnings of Indian Astronomy with Reference to a Parallel Development in China.
Toys of the Indus Valley
Movable head of a bovine figurine from Harappa. Some movable figurine heads are pierced through the horns on either side of the head. The movable heads of figurines often depict cattle.
Imagining Life in Lothal
A reimagining of life in Lothal 4,000 years ago, satellite images of the town in context of today's landscape, and the discoverer, S. R. Rao's drawings of the town plan, bead factory and warehouse.
A Unicorn Seal from Harappa
A perfectly cut unicorn seal with a sign right above the horn. The seal was found in Harappa. The year is given at approximately 2000 BCE, when craftsmanship in seal manufacture was probably at its height. It was purchased by the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford, UK
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
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| 2,288
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Il Djurgårdens Idrottsförening Fotboll, meglio noto come Djurgårdens IF o semplicemente Djurgården, è la squadra di calcio della polisportiva svedese Djurgårdens Idrottsförening. Ha sede nella città di Stoccolma e milita in Allsvenskan, la massima divisione del campionato svedese, della quale ha vinto 12 edizioni, l'ultima nella stagione 2019.
Storia
La fondazione del club è avvenuta in un café-chantant all'indirizzo Alberget 4A il 12 marzo 1891, appena 25 giorni dopo dell'AIK. Per questa ragione il derby tra le due squadre viene chiamato Tvillingderbyt, oltre che per il fatto di essere entrambe originarie del centro di Stoccolma. Tre anni dopo la creazione del primo campo calcistico della città, è stata formata la sezione dedicata al calcio con l'aiuto dell'ex giocatore del GAIS Teodor Andersson.
Il primo riconoscimento ufficiale è arrivato nel 1902 con il secondo posto nella Rosenska Pokalen, coppa che si è disputata dal 1899 al 1903 fino a confluire nello Svenska Mästerskapet (che fino al 1925 assegnava il titolo di campione di Svezia). La vittoria del trofeo fu sfiorata nel 1904, mentre l'anno del primo titolo nazionale fu il 1912, quando il Djurgården pareggiò due finali con l'Örgryte per poi vincere una gara di spareggio. Altri successi arrivarono negli anni seguenti, rispettivamente nel 1915 ancora contro l'Örgryte, nel 1917 contro l'AIK e nel 1920 contro l'IK Sleipner.
Nel 1925 fu istituita la prima Allsvenskan, ma il Djurgården non vi partecipò poiché retrocesso al termine del campionato 1923-1924. nel ventennio dal 1924 al 1944 la squadra giocò solo due campionati nella massima serie, peraltro retrocedendo subito. In tre di quelle stagioni il club scivolò addirittura in terza serie (1929-1932).
Con l'avvento degli anni '50 e '60 il club è ritornato competitivo ai massimi livelli nazionali, aggiungendo 4 scudetti al proprio palmarès (1954-1955, 1959, 1964, 1966). In particolare, il titolo del 1959 è stato accompagnato dal contemporaneo successo della sezione di hockey su ghiaccio.
Negli anni '70 il Djurgården non ha ottenuto risultati significativi, arrivando al massimo al terzo posto in classifica in tre occasioni. Nel 1981 i blu si sono piazzati all'ultimo posto, retrocedendo in seconda serie per ritornare in Allsvenskan solo nel 1986, quando un ulteriore ultimo posto ha avuto come conseguenza una nuova retrocessione.
Il club non si rese protagonista di particolari successi neppure negli anni '90, quando alternò stagioni disputate in Allsvenskan ad altre giocate in seconda serie a causa di tre retrocessioni, complici alcuni problemi economici. Tuttavia, la promozione del 2000 e il secondo posto da neopromossi dell'anno successivo (dietro ai rivali cittadini dell'Hammarby) furono il preludio alla conquista del titolo di campioni di Svezia, ottenuto nel 2002 dopo 36 anni dall'ultima affermazione. Il periodo positivo continuò anche negli anni immediatamente seguenti, con la vittoria degli scudetti 2003 e 2005, rispettivamente il decimo e l'undicesimo titolo nazionale, intervallati dal successo nella Coppa di Svezia 2004.
Dopo la stagione 2007 chiusa al terzo posto, per il Djurgården iniziò un decennio in cui non partecipò mai alle coppe europee, talvolta rischiando anche la retrocessione come al termine dell'Allsvenskan 2009 quando arrivò terzultimo e perse 2-0 lo spareggio salvezza di andata contro l'Assyriska, salvo poi vincere 3-0 ai supplementari la sfida di ritorno e salvarsi.
La squadra tornò a disputare le coppe europee solo grazie al terzo posto giunto nell'Allsvenskan 2017: in aggiunta nel maggio seguente arrivò – nonostante la squadra fosse già qualificata alla successiva Europa League – anche la vittoria della Coppa di Svezia 2017-2018, il primo trofeo ufficiale vinto nell'arco degli ultimi 13 anni. Il cammino del Djurgården nell'Europa League 2018-2019 fu però breve, vista l'eliminazione dopo un turno contro gli ucraini del Mariupol'. Nel 2019 la squadra si aggiudica per la dodicesima volta il titolo svedese, a quattordici anni dall'ultimo campionato vinto: dopo un'ottima parte centrale di campionato che ha visto il club saldamente in testa alla classifica, le prestazioni altalenanti della parte finale hanno reso possibile la rimonta delle rivali , ed che a due giornate dal termine erano tutte appaiate al vertice. Durante l'ultima giornata il Djurgården andò sotto di due reti sul campo dell'ostico , quinto in classifica, risultato che fece sprofondare il club al momentaneo terzo posto; il punteggio venne, tuttavia, recuperato e portato sul 2-2 finale grazie alla rete del pareggio da parte del capocannoniere del campionato Mohamed Buya Turay, arrivata al 65º minuto. La classifica finale vide, così, trionfare il Djurgården con 66 punti, uno in più di Malmö ed Hammarby (rispettivamente secondo e terzo) e quattro dall'AIK.
Nel 2022-2023 elimina nei turni preliminari rispettivamente il Rijeka, il Sepsi Sfântu Gheorghe e infine l'APOEL Nicosia, qualificandosi per i gironi di Conference League, tornando a giocare in una coppa europea per la prima volta dal 1996.
Nella fase a gironi conseguente si qualifica al turno successivo di Conference League con due turni d'anticipo, conquistando l'accesso alla fase a eliminazione diretta di una coppa europea per la prima volta dal 1989-1990.
Stadio
Dal 1911 al 1935, l'impianto che ospitava le gare interne del Djurgården è stato il Tranebergs Idrottsplats, localizzato nell'omonimo distretto di Traneberg. A partire dal 1936 la casa del club è stata l'Olympiastadion, stadio costruito per le Olimpiadi del 1912 che ha cessato di ospitare le partite degli "Järnkaminerna" solo nel 2013. Infatti, dal 21 luglio dello stesso anno, la squadra si è trasferita nella Tele2 Arena, impianto di nuova costruzione situato nel quartiere di Johanneshov. Lo stadio ha una capienza di 30.000 spettatori per le partite di calcio.
Giocatori
Vincitori di titoli
Calciatori campioni olimpici di calcio
Stig Nyström (Londra 1948)
Organico
Rosa 2023
Aggiornata al 21 gennaio 2023.
Rose delle stagioni
1955-1956
2017
2018
2019
2020
2021
2022
Palmarès
Competizioni nazionali
1912, 1915, 1917, 1920, 1955, 1959, 1964, 1966, 2002, 2003, 2005, 2019
1990, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2017-2018
Corinthian Bowl: 1
1910
Wicanderska Välgörenhetsskölden: 4
1907, 1910, 1913, 1915
2000
Competizioni internazionali
Coppa Intertoto: 1
1976
Altri piazzamenti
Secondo posto: 1911-1912, 1962, 1967, 1988, 2001, 2022
Terzo posto: 1913-1914, 1952-1953, 1955-1956, 1957-1958, 1969, 1970, 1973, 1975, 2007, 2017, 2021
Finalista: 1951, 1974-1975, 1988-1989, 2012-2013
Semifinalista: 1997-1998, 2002, 2003, 2018-2019, 2020-2021, 2021-2022
Finalista: 1908, 1914, 1916
Finalista: 1902
Finalista: 1908, 1911
Semifinalista: 2005-2006
Note
Bibliografia
Altri progetti
Collegamenti esterni
|
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| 9,152
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Q: Keep contents from shifting when browser is minimized or resized I am new to this, so I have this problem where the contents in the page will be shifted when the browser is minimized. When the browser is minimized, the contents including the logo will be shifted and the contents will be shifted out of the blue transparent background.
here is my css codes
#full-screen-background-image {
z-index: -999;
min-height: 100%;
min-width: 1300px;
width: 100%;
height: auto;
position: absolute;
top: 0;
left: 0;
}
.whole{
margin: 0px auto;
height: 1242px;
width: 1000px;
}
.clear{
margin: 0 auto;
clear: both;
}
.logo {
width: 460px;
height: 170px;
margin: 0 auto;
}
.fax {
margin: 0 auto;
width: 480px;
height: 110px;
margin-right: 267px;
}
.fax p {
color: white;
font-family: 'Istok Web', sans-serif;
font-size: 35px;
text-align:center;
float:left;
margin: 0 auto;
margin-top: 55px;
width: 394px;
}
.faxLogo{
float: left;
height:60px;
width: 60px;
margin: 0 auto;
margin-top: 40px;
margin-left: -385px;
}
.tel{
margin: 0 auto;
width: 480px;
height: 70px;
margin-right: 267px;
}
.telDetails{
float:left;
height: 10px;
}
.telLogo{
float: left;
height:60px;
width: 60px;
margin: 0 auto;
margin-top: -10px;
margin-left: 65px;
}
.tel p {
color: white;
font-family: 'Istok Web', sans-serif;
font-size: 35px;
text-align: center;
margin:0 auto;
margin-top: 10px;
margin-left: 10px;
}
.locationLogo{
float: left;
height: 60px;
width: 60px;
margin: 0 auto;
margin-left: 65px;
}
.location{
margin: 0 auto;
width: 500px;
}
.location p {
color: white;
font-family: 'Istok Web', sans-serif;
font-size: 35px;
float: left;
margin:0 auto;
margin-top: -35px;
margin-left: 160px;
line-height: 60px;
}
.detail1 {
margin: 0 auto;
text-align:center;
}
.detail1 p{
font-size: 45px;
font-family: 'Istok Web', sans-serif;
color:white;
text-align:center;
margin-left: 130px;
}
.detail2 {
font-size: 45px;
font-family: 'Istok Web', sans-serif;
color: white;
margin: 0 auto;
}
.detail2 p{
margin-top: -20px;
text-align:center;
margin-left: 45px;
}
here is my HTML codes
<div class="clear" style="height: 445px;"></div>
<div class="whole">
<div class="logo"><img src="images/logo_3.jpg" /></div>
<div class="clear" style="height:50px;"></div>
<div class="detail1">
<p>TEXT</p>
</div>
<div class="detail2">
<p>TEXT</p>
</div>
<div class="clear" style="margin-top:-53px;"></div>
<div class="location">
<div class="locationLogo">
<img src="images/location.png" />
</div>
<div class="locationDetails">
<p style="width: 500px;">TEXT<br />TEXT<br />TEXT</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="tel">
<div class="telLogo" style="width: 10px;">
<img src="images/tel.png" />
</div>
<div class="telDetails">
<p style="width: 365px;">TEXT</p>
</div>
</div>
<div class="fax">
<div class="faxLogo" style="width: 10px;">
<img src="images/fax.png" />
</div>
<div class="faxDetails">
<p style="width: 394px;">TEXT</p>
</div>
</div>
</div>
A: Your content inside your transparent box moves when the window resizes but your transparent box is part of the background image. Use the oil rig as a background image and put your content in a div. Something like this:
.box {
width: 100%;
height: auto;
background-color: rgba(0,0,255,0.5);
}
<div class="box">
<ul>
<li>SOME CONTENT HERE</li>
<li>SOME CONTENT HERE</li>
<li>SOME CONTENT HERE</li>
<li>SOME CONTENT HERE</li>
</ul>
</div>
You can now place the div wherever you see fit on your page.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaStackExchange"
}
| 5,438
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Sonic 2sday Marks 28 Years Since Sonic the Hedgehog 2 was Released
Jared Lord
For Americans, November is a significant month of the year due to Thanksgiving. It is a time to be grateful for what one has, and to appreciate all the good things in one's life. It is a time of food, family, and fun. But for gamers, the end of November may have a different significance. Today is November 24, and for those of us who were alive during the early '90s, we may remember it as a day of great significance in video game history. Because back in 1992, November 24 was also known as Sonic 2sday. It was the day that Sonic the Hedgehog 2 was released, and it was a day that shook up the gaming industry.
For many people during this gaming generation, Sonic the Hedgehog 2 is their favourite game in the franchise. And hey, it is a darn good Sonic game and a darn good platformer. It took a lot of what was in the original Sonic the Hedgehog and polished it to an even greater experience. The quality and success of Sonic 2 helped cement Sega and the Genesis as a contender against Nintendo and the SNES. This was the start of where Sonic was getting shot up into the ranks of video game superstars.
While Sonic's ascent into pop-culture certainly helped Sega, it was not the reason why Sonic 2sday is so important. To understand that, we have to go back to the early '90s, and look at what was going on in the industry at that time.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (Source)
A Blur From the Past
After the Great Video Game Crash of 1984, Nintendo effectively had resuscitated the industry in the US, and made gaming a big business with the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES). Other companies did try to compete during that era, including Sega (with the Master System), but nothing could compare to the NES. Nintendo effectively had a monopoly during the 8-bit Generation in the US. Any company that wanted to fight Nintendo in the late '80s and early '90s faced an uphill battle. In order to dethrone Mario, competitors would have to be bold, daring, and aggressive.
And so, in the early '90s, that's exactly what Sega did. With the Master System not selling well in the United States, Sega hurried the development of their 16-bit system, the Sega Genesis (Mega Drive outside of us), in order to beat Nintendo to the punch. The company purposely designed a cool and hip mascot to appeal directly to Americans. And they proceeded to unleash an advertising campaign that directly put them head to head with Nintendo.
Sonic 2sday
This strategy allowed the first Sonic game to take off, and allowed Sega to portray themselves as the "cool" video game company, as opposed to Nintendo's more child and family-friendly image. It was enough to allow Sega to take a sizeable chunk of the market share from Nintendo in those early days, but they wanted to keep up the momentum. As the Sega Technical Institute and Yuji Naka worked on Sonic 2, Sega's marketing team knew they had one heck of a game on their hands. Now all they had to do was figure out a way to get even more people to notice it. And that's when Sega marketers Al Nilsen and Diane Fornasier came up with a brilliant idea: Sonic 2sday.
Back in the '90s, video games were not generally given specific release dates. It was more like release windows; sometimes it would be a month, sometimes it would be a season. Basically, you would only have a vague idea of when a game was coming out. If you wanted to get the newest hot games, you'd have to go to your favorite retailer and hope that they got lucky, and that you did as well.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 promotional banner (Source)
Nilsen and Fornasier looked at the way movies were being released. You choose a day for a big-name movie, and people get excited because they know a specific day to shoot for. They submitted the idea for a global release date to Sega of America President, Tom Kalinske, and the company set to work organizing it with shipping companies and retailers. The logistics of having a global release event were massive, and there were a million things that could potentially go wrong with it.
But Sega pulled it off. On November 24, 1992, Sonic 2sday went off with only a minor hiccup or two. All around the world, Sonic 2 went on sale (with the minor exception of Japan where it was released a few days early, but that is another story). And it was a roaring success, Sonic 2 became one of the best-selling Sega Genesis games. When the excitement for Sonic 2sday made the news, several executives at Nintendo of America said something to the effect of, "Sega has stolen Christmas." People went out in droves to get the Genesis to play this game, and it proved that Nintendo was not the only company in the video game market.
While we take the idea of video game release dates for granted now, I remember even into the late '90s that a lot of companies still did general release windows for games. And nowadays, there are more console companies than just Nintendo. Sega's boldness managed to loosen Nintendo's grip on the market, allowing for more diversity in what was released, and shook up the industry. Without Sega, the little blue hedgehog, and Sonic 2sday, gaming would probably look very different today.
So, whether you are a Sonic fan or not, I wish all of you gamers out there a very happy Sonic 2sday. I know that I am grateful for the impact it had on this quirky little hobby of ours.
Categories: Retro Video Games, Video Game Opinions, Video Games
Tags: Sonic, Sonic 2sday, Sonic the Hedgehog
|
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
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| 7,375
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Download Comprehensive Review In Clinical Neurology A Multiple Choice Book For The Wards And Boards.pdf Mpeg Find totally free mp3 format download.
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
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| 1,149
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When Does 'The Voice' Come Back on TV?
The NBC show returns sooner than you think—but there's a catch.
Season 15 of The Voice is officially over after the pool of talented contestants was narrowed down to just one winner: Chevel Shepherd. The latest installment of the NBC reality series was more dramatic than ever, featuring jaw-dropping performances, controversial eliminations, and more than a few eccentric outfit choices.
Some dissatisfied viewers swore they'd stop watching The Voice after this season, but the loyal ones are probably wondering when the competition show will return to their TV screens. Lucky for them, the wait won't be long: The spring cycle debuts on Monday, February 25. However, fans are going to see less of their favorite coaches and singers this time around. It will broadcast episodes in its usual Tuesday time slot on February 26 and March 5, and then go on a hiatus until April 23, airing only on Mondays.
Season 16 of The Voice will usher in some other changes, as well. Coach Jennifer Hudson is unfortunately calling it quits on the show (at least for now). When the series returns in the spring, another award-winning singer will be in her chair: John Legend!
"I'm thrilled to join the coaches of The Voice," John said in a press release. "I've been a guest and mentor on the show multiple times and I'm so excited to discover talented singers and help them make the most of their gift."
John already seems to be following in Jennifer's footsteps, dubbing his future team of talented hopefuls "#TeamJL"—which immediately makes us think of JHUD productions. Now, only one question remains: will Jennifer's replacement throw his shoes on stage during the blind auditions, too?!
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{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaCommonCrawl"
}
| 7,496
|
\section{Introduction}
\label{sec:intro}
\begin{figure}[ht]
\centering
\begin{subfigure}{.45\textwidth}
\centering
\includegraphics[width=\textwidth]{Motivation1.pdf}
\caption{Left: the two augmented images are still discriminative for general classification tasks. Right: the discriminative attributes of two person images are ruined by augmentation for person ReID.}
\label{fig:augmentation}
\end{subfigure}%
\vspace{2mm}
\begin{subfigure}{.475\textwidth}
\centering
\includegraphics[width=\textwidth]{Motivation2.pdf}
\caption{Top: a case that uses the global features for a failed ReID, where the positive samples share dissimilar appearance but the negative samples have a similar appearance instead. Bottom: a case that uses the fine-grained discriminative attributes, such as backpacks and bags, for a successful ReID where the person images are distinguishable and independent to clothing.}
\label{fig:fine-grained}
\end{subfigure}
\vspace{-3mm}
\caption{Two critical issues in the existing contrastive learning based pre-training methods, which should be well solved in the ReID-specific pre-training framework.}
\vspace{-3mm}
\end{figure}
As a fine-grained classification problem, person re-identification (ReID) aims at identifying a specific person across non-overlapping camera views. Existing ReID methods have achieved a remarkable success in both supervised ~\cite{wang2018learning,suh2018part,shen2018person,zheng2021pose,zhang2019densely,jin2020uncertainty,jin2020semantics} and unsupervised~\cite{yang2019patch,lin2019bottom,ge2020mutual,ge2020self,jin2020style,dai2021cluster} domains. Most of these approaches directly leverage the weights pre-trained on ImageNet for model initialization, which is not optimal for ReID tasks, resulting in poor fine-tuning performance and slow convergence~\cite{wang2018learning,ge2020self}. The main reasons stem from two aspects: inapplicable pre-training method (ImageNet is more like a coarse-grained classification), and large domain gap between ImageNet and ReID datasets. Thus, how to efficiently pre-train a good ReID-specific initialization network is still under-explored.
Unsupervised pre-training has achieved a fast development with the great success of contrastive learning~\cite{he2020momentum,chen2020improved,chen2020simple,chen2021exploring,caron2020unsupervised}, which is taken as a pretext work, serving for different downstream supervised or unsupervised ReID fine-tuning algorithms. Going beyond the general pre-training task, this paper aims to propose a ReID-specific pre-training framework (\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, pre-training a ResNet50~\cite{he2016deep} for learning discriminative ReID representations) on a large-scale unlabeled dataset. The pioneering work of~\cite{fu2021unsupervised} makes the first attempt on ReID pre-training and introduces a new large-scale unlabeled ReID dataset LUPerson. However, it directly transfers the general pre-training process based on contrastive learning that designed for ImageNet classification to ReID task, which ignores the fact that ReID is a fine-grained classification problem. This solution faces the following two critical issues:
The first issue comes from the augmentations used in the existing contrastive learning pipeline, which could possibly damage the discriminative attributes of person images. As shown in Figure~\ref{fig:augmentation}, different from the coarse-grained classification problem on ImageNet, the discriminative attributes of person images are prone to be destroyed by the augmentation operations. For example, in the ImageNet classification, although the augmentations applied to the pictures~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, dogs and ships) may cause the lack of regional information, the remaining parts are still discriminative enough to support the model for distinguishing them.
However, when applying the same augmentations to person images in ReID, it will cause a disaster---the most discriminative attributes (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., trousers color) of person images are destructive, making them indistinguishable.
The second issue is that the fine-grained information of person images is not fully explored in previous pre-training methods. They typically only care about the learning of image-level global feature representations. Nevertheless, as a fine-grained classification task, ReID needs detailed local features in addition to global ones for the accurate identity matching~\cite{wang2018learning,yang2019patch,sun2018beyond}. As illustrated in Figure~\ref{fig:fine-grained}, the local fine-grained clues (\egno, backpacks, cross-body bags) are more helpful than global features w.r.t distinguishing different persons.
To address the above issues, we introduce an \emph{intra-identity (I$^2$-)} regularization in our proposed ReID-specific pre-training framework UP-ReID. It consists of a \emph{global consistency} constraint between augmented and original person images, and an \emph{intrinsic contrastive} constraint among local patches of each image.
Specifically, we first enforce a global {consistency} to make the pre-training model be more invariant to augmentations. We feed the augmented images as well as the original images into the model and then narrow the similarity distance between them in distributions.
Second, we propose an \emph{intrinsic contrastive} constraint for the local information exploration. Instead of directly feeding the holistic augmented images, we partition them into multiple patches and then send these patches along with the holistic images to the network. After that, We compute an intrinsic contrastive loss among patches to encourage the model to learn both fine-grained and semantic-aware representations. Moreover, based on the prior knowledge that human body is horizontally symmetric, we establish a hard mining strategy for the calculation of this loss, which makes the training stable and thus improves the generalization ability of the pre-trained model.
We summarize our main contributions as follows:
\begin{itemize}
\item To the best of our knowledge, this is the first attempt toward a ReID-specific pre-training framework dubbed UP-ReID by explicitly pinpointing the difference between the general pre-training and ReID pre-training.
\item Considering the particularity of ReID task, we introduce an intra-identity (I$^2$-)regularization in our ReID pre-training framework UP-ReID, which is instantiated from the global image level and local patch level.
\item In the I$^2$-regularization, a global consistency is first enforced to increase the robustness of pre-training to data augmentations. An intrinsic contrastive constraint with prior-based hard mining strategy among local patches of person images is further introduced to fully explore the local discriminative clues.
\end{itemize}
Extensive experiments on multiple widely-used ReID benchmarks demonstrate the effectiveness of the proposed pre-training framework UP-ReID. It outperforms the state-of-the-art pre-training methods by prominent margins, and could benefit a series of downstream ReID-related tasks.
\begin{figure*}[t!]
\centering
\centering
\includegraphics[width=16.5cm, height=10.5cm]{Framework3_new.pdf}
\caption{Architecture of the proposed UP-ReID. Given an input image, we can get two different groups of augmented instances after two different augmentations and partition. Then, we feed them into the online encoder and EMA encoder respectively, together with the original images. A consistency loss is computed to narrow the gap between the similarity distribution of the augmented images and that of the original images. We also compute an intrinsic contrastive loss based on a delicately designed hard mining strategy. The EMA encoder features are used to update the queue bank. The online encoder is optimized by the gradient of the total loss, while the EMA encoder is updated by momentum-based moving average of the online encoder.}
\label{fig:Framework}
\vspace{-2mm}
\end{figure*}
\section{Related Work}
\subsection{Person ReID}
\noindent\textbf{Fully-supervised ReID approaches.} Fully-supervised ReID methods are based on supervised learning with labeled datasets and have achieved a great success~\cite{li2014deepreid,shen2018person,zhang2019densely,jin2020semantics}. These works can be divided into two mainstream branches. One focuses on designing effective optimization metrics (i.e., metric learning) for person ReID, such as hard triplet loss~\cite{hermans2017defense} and circle loss~\cite{sun2020circle}. On the other hand, learning fine-grained features is also a popular branch. PCB~\cite{sun2018beyond} and MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} both leverage local features of pedestrian images by manually splitting each holistic image into multiple sub-parts to achieve accurate person ReID. These methods are limited by the large-scale annotations and cannot be directly applied to unlabeled datasets.
\noindent\textbf{Unsupervised ReID approaches.} There are two typical categories of unsupervised person ReID: Unsupervised Domain Adaptation (UDA) based methods and Domain Generalization (DG) based methods. 1) UDA could handle the domain gap issue when the target domain data are accessible, which aims to learn a generic model from both labeled source data and unlabeled target data. The UDA-based methods can be further categorized into three main classes: style transfer based works~\cite{deng2018image,wei2018person,zheng2019joint}, attribute recognition based works~\cite{wang2018transferable,qi2019novel} and pseudo labeling based works~\cite{song2020unsupervised,ge2020mutual,ge2020self}. 2) DG is designed for a more challenging case where the target domain data are unavailable. Jin etal~\cite{jin2020style} designs a Style Normalization and Restitution(SNR) module to enhance the identity-relevant features and filter out the identity-irrelevant features for improving the model's generalization ability. In addition, meta-learning~\cite{zhao2021learning} is also employed as a popular way to achieve person ReID specific domain generalization. However, all these methods generally load the pre-trained ImageNet weights for initialization, and ignore the gap between the ImageNet classification and the fine-grained ReID task.
\subsection{Self-Supervised Representation Learning}
Based on the recently popular contrastive learning, the unsupervised pre-training has achieved a great success, and many representative works have achieved comparable or even slightly better performance than supervised works. Moco~\cite{he2020momentum} and Moco v2~\cite{chen2020improved} design a dynamic queue and introduce a momentum update mechanism to optimize a key encoder progressively. SimCLR\cite{chen2020simple} and SimCLR v2~\cite{chen2020big} also achieve great performance with a large batch size, rich data augmentations and a simple but effective projection head. BYOL~\cite{grill2020bootstrap} and SimSiam~\cite{chen2021exploring} further achieve great performance even without negative pairs. SwAV~\cite{caron2020unsupervised} replaces comparison between pairwise samples with comparison between cluster assignments of multiple views.
The work of~\cite{fu2021unsupervised} proposes a new large-scale unlabeled dataset ``LUPerson'' which is large enough to support pre-training and makes the first attempt to pre-train specific models for person ReID initialization. However, since the work merely migrates the approach of pre-training models on ImageNet to ReID directly, it suffers from the instability issue (see Figure~\ref{fig:augmentation}) caused by augmentation and lacked of the exploration of fine-grained discriminative information of pedestrian images (see Figure~\ref{fig:fine-grained}).
\section{Unsupervised Pre-training for ReID}
Person ReID training typically contains two procedures of pre-training and fine-tuning: (a) the model~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, ResNet50) is first \emph{pre-trained} unsupervisedly on a large-scale dataset~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, LUPerson~\cite{fu2021unsupervised}) with a pretext task, (b) and then the pre-trained model is utilized to initialize the backbone and \emph{fine-tuned} with small-scale labeled or unlabeled person ReID datasets~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, Market1501~\cite{zheng2015scalable}). In this paper, we focus on the first phase, \textit{i}.\textit{e}., how to pre-train a ReID-friendly model in an unsupervised manner.
We first overview the whole pipeline of our UP-ReID in Section~\ref{section: overview}, and then introduce the proposed \emph{$I^2$}-regularization for pre-training, which comprises a global consistency constraint (Section~\ref{section: consistency constraint}) and an intrinsic contrastive constraint (Section~\ref{section: intrinsic contrastive contraint}). Last but not least, a prior-based hard mining strategy employed for local feature enhancement is discussed in Section~\ref{section: hard mining}.
\subsection{Overview}
\label{section: overview}
As illustrated in Figure~\ref{fig:Framework}, UP-ReID has two encoders: an online encoder $f_q$ and a momentum-based moving averaging (EMA) update encoder $f_k$. Both $f_q$ and $f_k$ are composed of a feature encoder and a projection head. The feature encoder is the model to be pre-trained~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, ResNet50), and the projection head is a multi-layer perceptron. The online encoder $f_q$ will be updated by back-propagation and the EMA encoder $f_k$ will be slowly progressed through momentum-based moving average of the online encoder $f_q$, which is $\theta_k \gets m\theta_k + (1-m) \theta_q$. $\theta_k, \theta_q$ represent the parameters of $f_k, f_q$, and $m$ means the momentum coefficient.
Given an input image $x$, we can get two different views of $x$, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, a query view ${x}_{q,0}$ and a key view ${x}_{k,0}$, after two different augmentations.
Unlike previous contrastive learning methods that only take the augmented images ${x}_{q,0}$ and ${x}_{k,0}$ as the input, we also feed the original image $x$ into the network as shown in Figure~\ref{fig:Framework}. Then, we enforce a consistency loss $\mathcal{L}_{consist.}$ to narrow down the distance between the similarity distribution of the augmented images and that of the original images in a mini-batch, which is described in detail in Section~\ref{section: consistency constraint}.
Moreover, before feeding ${x}_{q,0}$ and ${x}_{k,0}$ into the network, we partition each of them into $M$ non-overlapping patches. Note that, all $2M$ patches are partitioned from the same person image $x$ actually. Then, we feed these patches along with the entire augmented images into the online encoder and EMA encoder. An intrinsic contrastive loss $\mathcal{L}_{inc}$ is computed over them to learn both fine-grained local representations and the semantic image-level representations, which is discussed in detail in Section~\ref{section: intrinsic contrastive contraint}. For a better fine-grained information exploration, a hard mining strategy is further introduced to the calculation of the intrinsic contrastive loss, which is presented in Section~\ref{section: hard mining}. Ultimately, the total optimization objective is defined as:
\begin{equation}
\label{total loss}
\mathcal{L}_{total} = \mathcal{L}_{consist.} + \mathcal{L}_{inc}.
\end{equation}
Additionally, a dynamic queue bank is constructed to store the feature representations of previous mini-batches and provide sufficient negative samples for the current mini-batch training. In practice, we prepare a queue for the image-level features, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, ${Q}_{0}$, and a queue for each patch-level local features, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, ${Q}_{i}$, $i\in\{1,...,M\}$. All of these queues together constitute the queue bank and they are dynamically updated by the features extracted by the EMA encoder.
\subsection{Consistency over Augmented-Original Images}
\label{section: consistency constraint}
Data augmentation plays a crucial role in contrastive learning. However, discriminative attributes of pedestrian images are very likely to be ruined by various augmentation operations (see Figure~\ref{fig:augmentation}). Due to the visual distortions caused by augmentation, a sample may be less similar to its positive instances but more similar to its negative samples instead, which inevitably imposes a negative effect on the pre-training process.
To alleviate this problem, we turn to the original images for help. Although the identity-related features are possibly destroyed in the augmented images, those discriminative clues still remain in the original person images, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, raw images before augmentation. Thus, we propose to use the similarity between the original images as ground truth to supervise the images that go through the data augmentation, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, maintain the consistency before and after data augmentations.
For a mini-batch of input person images $x_{r}$, we get two groups of images $x_q$ and $x_k$ after two different data augmentations. Then we feed them into the network and we get the online encoder features $q$ and EMA encoder features $k$ respectively, that is, $q=f_q(x_q)$ and $k=f_k(x_k)$. The similarity distribution is computed as:
\begin{equation}
\label{eqn: APD}
A(q,k) = \bm{q}\cdot\bm{k^T},
\end{equation}
where $q$ and $k$ have been normalized by the normalization layer followed by the projection head. $A(\cdot)$ denotes the inter-instance similarity calculation function between two batches of images after two different kinds of augmentation.
Similarly, we perform the same technique to the original input images $x_{r}$, which is expressed as $q_{r}=f_q(x_{r})$ and $k_{r}=f_k(x_{r})$. Then, we calculate the inter-instance similarity distribution over the original images:
\begin{equation}
\label{eqn: OPD}
A(q_r, k_r) = \bm{{q}_{r}}\cdot\bm{{k}^T_{r}}.
\end{equation}
After that, we employ a Maximum Mean Discrepancy (MMD)~\cite{gretton2012kernel} metric to measure the difference between two distributions and construct a consistency loss based on it:
\begin{equation}
\label{eqn:MMD}
\mathcal{L}_{consist.} = MMD\left(A(q,k), \hspace{1mm}A(q_r, k_r)\right).
\end{equation}
Note that the calculated similarity distribution over the original images $A(q_r, k_r)$ just serves as the ground truth to supervise those with augmentations and does not participate in the update. So, there is no gradient back-propagation for the features of the original images. The consistency loss $\mathcal{L}_{consist.}$ helps the model to deduce and restore the discriminative local regions that are distorted by data augmentations, and further encourages the model to learn discriminative feature representations between different instances.
\subsection{Intrinsic Contrastive Constraint}
\label{section: intrinsic contrastive contraint}
To explore the intrinsic properties of a person image, we also introduce an intrinsic contrastive constraint in our UP-ReID framework. Before feeding the augmented images of $x_{q,0}$ and $x_{k,0}$ into the network (here we use subscript `0' to denote the holistic person image), we partition each of them into $M$ non-overlapping patches uniformly,
\begin{equation}
\mathcal\{{x}_{q,1}, ..., {x}_{q,M}\} = P(x_{q,0}),
\label{AP for query}
\end{equation}
\vspace{-5mm}
\begin{equation}
\mathcal\{{x}_{k,1}, ..., {x}_{k,M}\} = P(x_{k,0}),
\label{AP for key}
\end{equation}
where $P$ represents the partition operation, $x_{q,i}$ denotes the $i$-th patch partitioned from $x_{q,0}$, and $x_{k,i}$ denotes the $i$-th patch partitioned from $x_{k,0}$. Then, we group them together and get two sets:
$\mathcal{X}_{q}=\{{x}_{q,i}\}^M_{i=0}$ and $\mathcal{X}_{k}=\{{x}_{k,i}\}^M_{i=0}$.
Taking the image set $\mathcal{X}_{q}$ as an example for illustration, $\mathcal{X}_{q}$ comprises an image-level holistic instance $x_{q,0}$ and $M$ patch-level local instances $x_{q,i}$ ($i \in \{1,...,M\}$). All of them come from the input image $x$ and belong to the same instance, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, the input $x$. In short, $x_{q,0}$ contains the image-level global information while $x_{q,i}$ ($i \in \{1,...,M\}$) highlights the local information.
As shown in Figure~\ref{fig:Framework}, we feed $\mathcal{X}_{q}$ and $\mathcal{X}_{k}$ into the online encoder $f_q$ and EMA encoder $f_k$, respectively, \textit{i}.\textit{e}., $q_i=f_q(x_{q,i})$ and $k^+_i=f_k(x_{k,i})$, $i \in {0,1,...,M}$. To learn semantic-aware representations from the holistic images, we enforce a InfoNCE~\cite{oord2018representation} loss over the global features, which is formulated as:
\begin{equation}
\label{global contrastive loss}
\mathcal{L}_{g} = - \text{log}\frac{\text{exp}(\bm{q_0}\cdot\bm{k^+_0} / \tau_1)}{\text{exp}(\bm{q_0}\cdot\bm{k^+_0} / \tau_1) + \sum_{j=0}^{N-1} \text{exp}(\bm{q_0}\cdot\bm{k^-_{0,j}/\tau_1})},
\end{equation}
where $\tau_1$ is the temperature hyper-parameter, $k^-_{0,j}$ is the negative sample in the image-level feature queue $Q_0$, and $N$ is the total number of negative samples in $Q_0$.
For the local fine-grained representation learning, we calculate a patch-wise contrastive loss over the patch-level instances. For the feature $q_i$, we denote its positive sample as $k^+_p$ and negative queue as $Q_n$. Formally, the patch-wise contrastive loss for the $i$-th patch $p_i$ is defined as:
\begin{equation}
\label{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i}
\mathcal{L}_{p_i} = - \text{log}\frac{\text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^+_p} / \tau_2)}{\text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^+_p} / \tau_2) + \sum_{j=0}^{N-1} \text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^-_{n,j}/\tau_2})},
\end{equation}
where $k^-_{n,j}$ is the negative sample in $Q_n$, and $\tau_2$ is the temperature hyper-parameter. The details about the selection of $k^+_p$ and $Q_n$ will be described in Section~\ref{section: hard mining}.
In order to fully explore the discriminative information contained in each body part of a pedestrian, we compute the aforementioned contrastive loss for each patch-level feature and take the weighted average sum of them as the final constraint. That is, the intrinsic contrastive loss is a weighted sum of $\mathcal{L}_{g}$ and multiple $\mathcal{L}_{p_i}$:
\begin{equation}
\label{identity-wise loss}
\mathcal{L}_{inc} = \lambda_g * \mathcal{L}_{g} + \lambda_p * \frac{1}{M} \sum_{i=1}^{M} \mathcal{L}_{p_i},
\end{equation}
where $\lambda_g$ and $\lambda_p$ are the weighting parameters.
\subsection{Hard Mining for Local Feature Exploration}
\label{section: hard mining}
\begin{figure}[t]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=8.2cm, height=7.2cm]{Patches.pdf}
\setlength{\abovecaptionskip}{7pt}
\vspace{-3mm}
\caption{Illustration of our hard mining strategy. We choose two horizontally symmetric patches partitioned from the same instance as a positive pair, and two patches partitioned from different instances but at the same patch location as a negative pair.}
\label{fig: hard mining}
\vspace{-4mm}
\end{figure}
For the patch-level feature $q_i$ in Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i}, $k^+_i$ and $Q_i$ should be the positive sample and negative queue, respectively, \textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, $k^+_p=k^+_i,Q_n=Q_i$, corresponding to same patch region as $q_i$. For better representation learning, based on the prior knowledge that human body is horizontally symmetric, we further develop an effective hard mining method to select the positive sample and negative queue for each patch-level feature, which is shown in Figure~\ref{fig: hard mining}.
\noindent\textbf{Hard Negative Queue Selection.}
The same body part of different persons could be discriminative, such as hair color and shoes color. Hence, for $q_i$ in Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i}, we choose the patches partitioned from different instances but at the same location as the negative samples (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., $Q_n=Q_i$).
\noindent\textbf{Hard Positive Sample Selection.}
Considering the prior knowledge that persons are horizontally symmetric, we choose two horizontally symmetric patches partitioned from the same instance as a positive pair.
Specifically, in Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i}, we select the feature $k^+_{i\_hs}$ (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., the horizontally symmetrical patch feature corresponding to position $i$) as the positive sample of $q_i$.
Intuitively, the human body structure and clothing are mostly horizontally symmetric, which indicates that two symmetric patches of the same person image contain very similar visual representative patterns~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, color, texture). This is important for person ReID. Thus, choosing them as a positive pair to pre-train the model is reasonable.
On the other hand, due to the different capture environments caused by camera angles or human postures, a pedestrian image may not be completely symmetrical, which means two symmetric patches have similar primary visual information but there are still differences in details. Thus, choosing them as a positive pair can improve the model's ability to identify similar visual representation patterns under different situations, which further helps the model recognize the same pedestrian under different environments.
Given that there are still some extreme cases that are totally inconsistent with the prior knowledge of horizontal symmetry of the pedestrian pictures~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, pedestrian pictures taken from the side), we also select the same position patch of the other view person image (\textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, $k^+_i$) as one of the positive samples of $q_i$. So, the patch-wise contrastive loss in Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i} is modified to:
\begin{equation}
\footnotesize
\label{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i with hard mining}
\mathcal{L}_{p_i} = - \text{log}\frac{\sum_{k^+_p\in\mathcal{P}(i)}\text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^+_p} / \tau_2)}{\sum_{k^+_p\in\mathcal{P}(i)}\text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^+_p} / \tau_2) + \sum_{j=0}^{N-1} \text{exp}(\bm{q_i}\cdot\bm{k^-_{i,j}/\tau_2})},
\end{equation}
where $\mathcal{P}(i)=\{k^+_{i\_hs}, k^+_i\}$, $k^-_{i,j}\in Q_i$.
\section{Experiments}
\subsection{Implementation}
\noindent\textbf{Training details.}
For fair comparison, we use ResNet50 as the pre-trained backbone model and SGD as the optimizer.
The input images are resized to 256$\times$128. The mini-batch size is set to 800, and the initial learning rate is $0.1$. In our experiments, $M$ is set to $8$, $N$ is set to 65536, $m$ is set to 0.9, $\tau_1$ and $\tau_2$ are both set to 0.1, $\lambda_g$ and $\lambda_p$ are set to $0.8$ and $0.2$. The pre-training models are trained with 8$\times$2080Ti GPUs for 3 weeks under Pytorch framework.
\noindent\textbf{Augmentation and Patch Partition.}
Data augmentation plays a crucial role in self-supervised contrastive learning. We utilize the same augmentation operations as ~\cite{fu2021unsupervised}.
As for partition, we adopt image-level partition strategy. Specifically, we first partition a holistic image into multiple horizontal stripes, and then divide each stripe vertically into two patches uniformly.
It is necessary to emphasize that we apply the global-level augmentation (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., augmentation followed by partition) rather than patch-level augmentation (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., partition followed by augmentation). Because the global-level augmentation is closer to the realistic data variation and will not break the inherent consistency among patches partitioned from the same person image.
\noindent\textbf{Datasets.}
We pre-train our model on ``LUPerson"~\cite{fu2021unsupervised} dataset. To demonstrate the superiority of our pre-trained model, we conduct extensive downstream experiments on four public ReID datasets, including CUHK03~\cite{li2014deepreid}, Market1501~\cite{zheng2015scalable}, PersonX~\cite{sun2019dissecting}, and MSMT17~\cite{wei2018person}. Note that we do not use DukeMTMC~\cite{zheng2017unlabeled} to avoid ethical issues.
\noindent\textbf{Evaluation Protocols.}
Following the standard evaluation metrics, we use the cumulative matching characteristics at Rank1 and mean average precision (mAP) to evaluate the performance.
\begin{table*}[t]
\caption{Comparison of three representative supervised ReID methods using different pre-trained models in terms of mAP/Rank1 (\%). ``INSUP" refers to the supervised pre-trained model on ImageNet, ``Moco" and ``UP-ReID" refer to the Moco and our UP-ReID pre-trained models on LUPerson, respectively. More comparison results can be found in \textbf{Appendix}.}
\setlength{\tabcolsep}{3.3mm}
\begin{subtable}[h]{0.5\textwidth}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{l|ccc}
\shline
Model & BDB~\cite{dai2019batch} & BOT~\cite{luo2019bag} & MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} \\
\hline
INSUP & 76.7/79.4 & 62.0/63.9 & 70.5/71.2 \\ \hline
Moco & 78.9/81.5 & 66.7/66.3 & 74.7/75.4 \\ \hline
UP-ReID & \textbf{79.6/82.6} & \textbf{68.7/69.1} & \textbf{85.3/87.6} \\ \shline
\end{tabular}
\caption{CUHK03}
\label{tab:improve-cuhk}
\end{subtable}
\hfill
\begin{subtable}[h]{0.5\textwidth}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{l|ccc}
\shline
Model & BDB~\cite{dai2019batch} & BOT~\cite{luo2019bag} & MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} \\
\hline
INSUP & 86.7/95.3 & 85.7/94.3 & 87.5/95.1 \\ \hline
Moco & 88.1/95.3 & 87.6/94.9 & 91.0/96.4 \\ \hline
UP-ReID & \textbf{88.5/95.3} & \textbf{88.1/95.1} & \textbf{91.1/97.1} \\ \shline
\end{tabular}
\caption{Market1501}
\label{tab:improve-market}
\end{subtable}
\hfill
\begin{subtable}[h]{0.5\textwidth}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{l|ccc}
\shline
Model & BDB~\cite{dai2019batch} & BOT~\cite{luo2019bag} & MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} \\
\hline
INSUP & 84.4/95.1 & 86.7/94.8 & 85.3/94.3 \\ \hline
Moco & 84.8/95.2 & 86.5/94.6 & 85.8/94.2 \\ \hline
UP-ReID & \textbf{86.1/95.3} & \textbf{88.0/95.3} & \textbf{89.7/96.1} \\ \shline
\end{tabular}
\caption{PersonX}
\label{tab:improve-PersonX}
\end{subtable}
\hfill
\begin{subtable}[h]{0.5\textwidth}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{l|ccc}
\shline
Model & BDB~\cite{dai2019batch} & BOT~\cite{luo2019bag} & MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} \\
\hline
INSUP & 49.2/77.4 & 53.4/76.8 & 61.5/84.0 \\ \hline
Moco & 51.2/78.1 & 53.2/75.4 & 62.9/83.9 \\ \hline
UP-ReID & \textbf{52.4/78.7} & \textbf{56.2/78.1} & \textbf{63.3/84.3} \\ \shline
\end{tabular}
\caption{MSMT17}
\label{tab:improve-msmt}
\end{subtable}
\vspace{-2mm}
\label{table1: supervised reid comparison}
\end{table*}
\begin{figure*}[h!]
\centering
\begin{subfigure}{0.33\linewidth}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{convergence_cuhk03.pdf}
\caption{mAP learning curve on CUHK03}
\label{subfig: convergence on cuhk03}
\end{subfigure}
\begin{subfigure}{0.33\linewidth}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{convergence_market1501.pdf}
\caption{mAP learning curve on Market1501}
\label{subfig: convergence on market1501}
\end{subfigure}
\begin{subfigure}{0.33\linewidth}
\includegraphics[width=1.0\linewidth]{convergence_personx.pdf}
\caption{mAP learning curve on PersonX}
\label{subfig: convergence on personx}
\end{subfigure}
\vspace{-2mm}
\caption{mAP learning curves with different pre-trained models in BDB on three datasets (CUHK03, Market1501, and PersonX) with the same training schedule. More comparison results can be found in \textbf{Appendix}.}
\label{fig: convergence rapidity}
\vspace{-2mm}
\end{figure*}
\subsection{Improvement on Supervised ReID}
In this section, we show the superiority of our UP-ReID by comparing with the model unsupervisedly pre-trained on LUPerson by Moco~\cite{fu2021unsupervised} and the commonly used supervised pre-trained model on ImageNet in three representative supervised ReID approaches: Batch DropBlock Network (BDB)~\cite{dai2019batch}, Strong Baseline (BOT)~\cite{luo2019bag} and Multiple Granularity Network (MGN)~\cite{wang2018learning}.
The BDB is re-implemented based on the open source code. As for BOT and MGN, we implement them in fast-reid~\cite{he2020fastreid}.
Table~\ref{table1: supervised reid comparison} shows the improvements in the three selected supervised ReID methods on four popular person ReID datasets.
It can be seen that, compared to initializing with Moco, the MGN with UP-ReID has achieved \textbf{12.2\%}, \textbf{0.7\%}, \textbf{1.9\%}, \textbf{0.4\%} improvements in terms of Rank1 on CUHK03, Market1501, PersonX, MSMT17, respectively; BOT also has achieved \textbf{2.8\%}, \textbf{0.2\%}, \textbf{0.7\%}, \textbf{2.7\%} improvements in terms of Rank1 on these four datasets.
Figure~\ref{fig: convergence rapidity} describes the comparison of the convergence speed of applying different pre-trained models in method BDB at the early stage of fine-tuning. UP-ReID outperforms both Moco and INSUP with faster convergence on all three datasets. The performance enhancement is more noticeable on PersonX (see Figure~\ref{subfig: convergence on personx}). On the Market1501 where the advantage is not obvious, UP-ReID still holds the lead of Moco by 1.7\% mAP improvement (see Figure~\ref{subfig: convergence on market1501}).
\subsection{Improvement on Unsupervised ReID}
Our pre-trained model can also benefit unsupervised ReID methods. To demonstrate this, we test our pre-trained model on SpCL~\cite{ge2020self}. We evaluate the performance on Market1501 and PersonX.
In Table~\ref{tab:improvement-unsup}, M means purely unsupervised training on Market1501, and P $\rightarrow$ M means unsupervised domain adaptation whose source dataset is PersonX and target dataset is Market1501. As we can see, UP-ReID outperforms Moco by \textbf{2.9\%}, \textbf{6.3\%} in terms of mAP and \textbf{2.2\%}, \textbf{2.5\%} in terms of Rank1 on M and P $\rightarrow$ M, respectively. It further verifies that UP-ReID can achieve better superiority and generalization capability for person ReID.
Note that we implement SpCL by official OpenUnReid~\cite{ge2020self}.
\vspace{-3mm}
\begin{table}[h]
\caption{Performance (\%) comparisons of using different pre-trained models on unsupervised ReID method SpCL.}
\vspace{-3mm}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{P{1.5cm}|C{0.8cm}C{0.8cm}|C{0.8cm}C{0.8cm}}
\shline
\centering
\multirow{2}{*}{Model} & \multicolumn{2}{c|}{M} & \multicolumn{2}{c}{P $\rightarrow$ M} \\
\cline{2-5} & mAP & Rank1 & mAP & Rank1 \\
\hline
\centering
INSUP & 73.1 & 88.1 & 73.8 & 88.0 \\
\centering
Moco & 72.2 & 87.8 & 72.4 & 88.4 \\
\centering
UP-ReID & \textbf{75.1} & \textbf{90.0} & \textbf{78.7} & \textbf{90.9} \\
\shline
\end{tabular}
\vspace{-1mm}
\centering
\label{tab:improvement-unsup}
\end{table}
\vspace{-5mm}
\subsection{Comparison with State-of-the-Art Methods}
In this section, we compare our results with state-of-the-art methods on CUHK03 and Market1501 datasets. Notice that we do not use any additional modules (\egno, IBN-Net) or post-processing methods (\egno, Re-Rank~\cite{zhong2017re}).We just simply apply UP-ReID pre-trained vanilla ResNet50 on MGN. As shown in Table~\ref{tab:sota}, MGN equipped with UP-ReID ResNet50 outperforms all compared methods on both datasets.
\begin{table}[h!]
\small
\centering
\caption{Performance (\%) comparisons with state-of-the-art approaches on CUHK03 and Market1501. The best results are marked as bold and the second ones are masked by underline. We show more comparison results in \textbf{Appendix}.}
\vspace{-2mm}
\begin{tabular}{P{3.50cm}|C{0.67cm}C{0.67cm}|C{0.67cm}C{0.67cm}}
\shline
\multirow{2}{*}{Methods} & \multicolumn{2}{c|}{CUHK03} & \multicolumn{2}{c}{Market1501} \\
\cline{2-5} & mAP & Rank1 & mAP & Rank1 \\
\hline
PCB~\cite{sun2018beyond} (ECCV'18) & 57.5 & 63.7 & 81.6 & 93.8 \\
OSNet~\cite{zhou2019omni} (ICCV'19) & 67.8 & 72.3 & 84.9 & 94.8 \\
P2Net~\cite{guo2019beyond} (ICCV'19) & 73.6 & 78.3 & 85.6 & 95.2 \\
SCAL~\cite{chen2019self} (ICCV'19) & 72.3 & 74.8 & 89.3 & 95.8 \\
DSA~\cite{zhang2019densely} (CVPR'19) & 75.2 & 78.9 & 87.6 & 95.7 \\
GCP~\cite{park2020relation} (AAAI'20) & 75.6 & 77.9 & 88.9 & 95.2 \\
SAN~\cite{jin2020semantics} (AAAI'20) & 76.4 & 80.1 & 88.0 & \underline{96.1} \\
ISP~\cite{zhu2020identity} (ECCV'20) & 74.1 & 76.5 & 88.6 & 95.3 \\
GASM~\cite{he2020guided} (ECCV'20) & - & - & 84.7 & 95.3 \\
RGA-SC~\cite{zhang2020relation} (CVPR'20) & \underline{77.4} & \underline{81.1} & 88.4 & \underline{96.1} \\
HOReID~\cite{wang2020high} (CVPR'20) & - & - & 84.9 & 94.2 \\
AMD~\cite{chen2021explainable} (ICCV'21) & - & - & 87.1 & 94.8 \\
TransReID~\cite{he2021transreid} (ICCV'21) & - & - & \underline{89.5} & 95.2 \\
PAT~\cite{li2021diverse} (CVPR'21) & - & - & 88.0 & 95.4 \\
\hline
MGN+UP-ReID (Ours) & \textbf{85.3} & \textbf{87.6} & \textbf{91.1} & \textbf{97.1} \\
\shline
\end{tabular}\\
\label{tab:sota}
\end{table}
\subsection{Ablation Study}
In this section, we perform comprehensive ablation studies to demonstrate the effectiveness of our designs in the proposed UP-ReID. Here we fine-tune different pre-trained models with supervised ReID method MGN~\cite{wang2018learning} on CUHK03 to validate the effectiveness of each component.
\noindent\textbf{Effectiveness of the Consistency Constraint and the Intrinsic Contrastive Constraint.}
Our UP-ReID consists of two key constraints: the consistency constraint (CC) and the intrinsic contrastive constraint (ICC). We evaluate the benefits of them in Table~\ref{tab: effectiveness of CC and ICC.}. Specifically, (b) Baseline with CC and (c) Baseline with ICC outperform the (a) Baseline by \textbf{4.4\%/4.8\%} and \textbf{6.7\%/8.2\%} in terms of mAP/Rank1 on CUHK03, respectively. With both two constraints, (d) UP-ReID achieves \textbf{85.3\%(+10.6\%)} mAP and \textbf{87.6\%(+12.2\%)} Rank1 on CUHK03, which demonstrates that CC and ICC are complementary and both vital to UP-ReID, jointly resulting in a superior performance.
We also evaluate the effectiveness of each components of our UP-ReID in terms of the convergence speed on CUHK03.
Figure~\ref{fig: ablation} plots the mAP learning curves of four different pre-trained models with MGN. As we can see, the (b) Baseline with CC and (c) Baseline with ICC achieve faster convergence than (a) Baseline. More importantly, (d) the UP-ReID with both constraints (\textit{i}.\textit{e}., ICC and CC) achieves faster convergence than both (b) and (c) which only have one constraint.
The experimental results demonstrate that both the consistency constraint and the intrinsic contrastive constraint contribute to a better visual representation. The former is designed to counter the augmentation perturbations, and the latter is designed for detailed information exploration.
\vspace{-2mm}
\begin{table}[h!]
\caption{The ablation results of several variants of UP-ReID pre-trained models that are fine-tuned on CUHK03. The values in the brackets are the improvement compared to the Baseline.}
\vspace{-2mm}
\small
\centering
\begin{tabular}{c|cc|cc}
\shline
Model & CC & ICC & mAP & Rank1 \\
\hline
(a) Baseline & $\times$ & $\times$ & 74.7 & 75.4 \\
(b) Baseline w CC & $\surd$ & $\times$ & 79.1(+4.4) & 80.2(+4.8) \\
(c) Baseline w ICC & $\times$ & $\surd$ & 81.4(+6.7) & 83.6(+8.2) \\
(d) UP-ReID & $\surd$ & $\surd$ & \textbf{85.3}(+10.6) & \textbf{87.6}(+12.2) \\
\shline
\end{tabular}
\label{tab: effectiveness of CC and ICC.}
\end{table}
\vspace{-2mm}
\begin{figure}[h!]
\centering
\includegraphics[width=8.5cm, height=6.1cm]{Ablation.pdf}
\setlength{\abovecaptionskip}{7pt}
\vspace{-5mm}
\caption{mAP learning curves of CUHK03 in MGN with four different pre-trained UP-ReID models. The models correspond to the models in Table~\ref{tab: effectiveness of CC and ICC.} one-to-one.}
\label{fig: ablation}
\end{figure}
\noindent\textbf{Effectiveness of the Hard Mining Strategy.} For better representation learning, we introduce a hard mining (HM) strategy to the intrinsic contrastive constraint. As shown in Table~\ref{tab: effectiveness of Hard Mining.}, the UP-ReID without hard mining strategy (\textit{i}.\textit{e}.~, replace Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i with hard mining} with Eq.~\ref{eqn:contrastive loss for patch i}) has a 4.6\%/4.5\% drop in mAP/Rank1. Obviously, our hard mining strategy improves the discrimination and generalization capability of the pre-trained model.
Different from the previous works~\cite{hermans2017defense}, we select positive and negative pairs based on the prior knowledge that persons are horizontally symmetric instead of an online way. We further investigate the influence of different hard mining strategies and show more results in \textbf{Appendix}.
\begin{table}[h!]
\caption{Effectiveness of the hard mining strategy for ICC in our UP-ReID on CUHK03.}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{c|ccc}
\shline
Model & mAP & Rank1 & Rank5 \\
\hline
UP-ReID w/o HM & 80.7 & 83.1 & 93.1 \\
UP-ReID w HM & \textbf{85.3} & \textbf{87.6} & \textbf{95.4} \\
\shline
\end{tabular}
\vspace{-4mm}
\label{tab: effectiveness of Hard Mining.}
\end{table}
\noindent\textbf{Influence of the Number of the Patch-Level Instances.}
Note that each patch-level instance is partitioned from the corresponding image-level instance. Different patch number ($M$) means different patch size. We investigate the influence of the patch-level instance number in the intrinsic contrastive constraint.
As described in Table~\ref{tab: different number patches.}, $M$=8 outperforms $M$=4 by \textbf{4.0\%/4.5\%} in mAP/Rank1 on CUHK03, which also surpasses $M$=12 by \textbf{4.6\%/5.4\%} in mAP/Rank1. When $M$=8, each patch-level instance has a proper size, which is neither too large to ignore discriminative attributes, nor too small to introduce unnecessary noise.
\vspace{-1mm}
\begin{table}[h!]
\caption{Results of different number of patches in ICC.}
\vspace{-1mm}
\centering
\begin{tabular}{c|ccc}
\shline
Model & mAP & Rank1 & Rank5 \\
\hline
UP-ReID w $M=4$ & 81.3 & 83.1 & 92.6 \\
UP-ReID w $M=12$ & 80.7 & 82.2 & 92.4 \\
UP-ReID w $M=8$ & \textbf{85.3} & \textbf{87.6} & \textbf{95.4} \\
\shline
\end{tabular}
\label{tab: different number patches.}
\vspace{-5mm}
\end{table}
\section{Conclusion}
In this paper, we present two critical issues in applying contrastive learning to ReID pre-training task. Then, we propose a ReID-specific pre-training framework UP-ReID with an intra-identity regularization, which consists of a global consistency constraint and an intrinsic contrastive constraint. Moreover, we introduce a hard mining strategy to local information exploration for better representation learning. Extensive experiments demonstrate that UP-ReID could improve the downstream works performance with higher precision and much faster convergence. We hope more methods can be motivated such as unsupervised pre-training for ReID-specific transformers and apply UP-ReID to more downstream tasks~(\textit{e}.\textit{g}.~, occluded person ReID).
{\small
\bibliographystyle{ieee_fullname}
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Trpín este o comună slovacă, aflată în districtul Krupina din regiunea Banská Bystrica. Localitatea se află la , se întinde pe o suprafață de și în 2017 număra 119 locuitori.
Istoric
Localitatea Trpín este atestată documentar din 1135.
Note
Legături externe
Localități din Slovacia
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The minimal architecture is characterized by the presence of perpendicular planes that construct a three dimensional space, from a configuration volume of purified forms, considerably simpler and refined. This style can be easily identified by a "clean" construction and without excesses, by the use of neutral colors and modern industrial materials and the absence of unnecessary props... Born's Halffloors® Halffloors® was built on a central city terrain with 80 square meters, were was built a house with useful 277 square meters, an architectural achievement using half-floors! The house has three bedrooms, one dining room, one living room, one office, three exterior accessfull areas (one a complement to a bedroom, other on the dinning/kitchen level and which is made of glass and other is the rooftop where exists a swimming pool) and a two car garage with car lift. The house is simple... it is organized in a vertical and hierarchical way. The social areas are on the inferior floors and the private areas on the superior levels. To achieve great visual amplitudes and dynamic interconnections between spaces, the interior was structured in half-floors. The width of the plot decided the stair. In fact, it became the heart of the house. Positioned adjacent to those spaces is a courtyard that together with the half-floor structure induces a vertical continuity, create a gentle horizontal connection. The courtyard affords a sense of depth and expansion to the spaces, allowing for all the floors from the basement to the first to be experienced as one space connected vertically and horizontally. It's a minimalist house with a unique design! All interior decoration was specifically designed, from the wardrobes, dressers, kitchen (Warendorf kitchen|miele appliances), bedrooms, bathrooms (Cabinets, wash basins, shower trays and bathtub made in Corian®) and office furniture. The predominant colors in the house are white and black creating these a unity between the spaces making it very lightweight and "clean", with the exception of the couch, specifically designed for this house. Planned and designed taking into account environmental concerns, Halffloors® is a unfamiliar house with Class A + energy certification. It was our objective to create a house as a unique object, so in order to do so exterior windows and doors had to align with the exterior house walls! Our idea was, "if in any way I could pass a hand over the front and back facade it should be only and element, without any recesses". For that, we have to use a Structural Façade. With this façade the glass is glued to an aluminium frame using structural silicone. Also the entry door as the door garage had to be aligned with the exterior house walls. For that we have decided to pull back both doors and cover them with ALUCOBOND®. In the exterior it was decided to do a sidewalk on cobblestone. A cultural heritage, are used irregularly shaped stones, usually limestone and basalt. Traditional colors are black and white, enjoying the contrast of colors, shapes or decorative patterns with pictures, drawings or geometric patterns.
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The Rape of Ganymede is a painting by the Flemish Baroque painter Peter Paul Rubens produced between 1636 and 1638 painting for the Spanish king Philip IV of Spain's hunting lodge. The painting is based on a story recounted in classical poet Ovid´s Metamorphoses (X, 155-161). It depicts the moment when the Roman supreme god Jupiter disguised as an eagle catches the young shepherd Ganymede and lifts him into the air. It is in the collection of the Museo del Prado in Madrid. The dramatic scene gave Rubens ample opportunity to show his skill in depicting a lively scene and the nude.
The story
The painting depicts the abduction of the beautiful Trojan youth, Ganymede, by Jupiter who appears in the form an eagle. The homoerotic story which goes back to Classical stories first recounted by Homer and Virgil recounts how the supreme God Jupiter falls head over heals for a beautiful young man. The account most familiar to artists in Rubens' time was that as told by Ovid in his Metamorphoses: "The king of the gods Jupiter once burned with love for the Phrygian Ganymede, and something was found which Jove would rather be than what he was. Still he did not deign to take the form of any bird save that which could bear his thunderbolts [the eagle]. Without delay he cleft the air on his lying wings and stole away the Trojan boy, who even now, though against the will of Juno, mingles the nectar and attends the cups of Jove." In Virgil's version Jupiter sends the eagle and does not take himself the form of an eagle.
A royal commission
Rubens received in 1636 a commission from the Spanish king Philip IV of Spain to create a series of 60 mythological paintings to decorate the Torre de la Parada, a hunting lodge of the king outside Madrid. The mythological scenes depicted in the series were largely based on the Metamorphoses of Ovid. Rubens realized this important commission with the assistance of a large number of Antwerp painters such as Jacob Jordaens, Cornelis de Vos, Jan Cossiers, Peter Snayers, Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert, Theodoor van Thulden, Jan Boeckhorst, Jacob Peter Gowy, Jan Baptist Borrekens and others, who worked after Rubens' designs. Rubens executed a number of the final paintings himself. This is the case of The Rape of Ganymede.
The preparatory designs for the series of paintings are in the collections of various museums including housed in the Museo del Prado in Madrid, the Museum Boijmans van Beuningen in Rotterdam, the Royal Museums of Fine Arts of Belgium in Brussels and the Princeton University Art Museum. A sketch for The Rape of Ganymede is held at the Princeton University Art Museum. There may be another preparatory sketch for the painting which was in the collection of the painter and draughtsman Richard Cosway (1742–1821), an admirer of Rubens.
Description
Rubens depicts the moment when the eagle catches the young man and lifts him violently into the air. The thunderbolt in the background adds to the dramatic effect and alludes to the force and fury with which the kidnapping takes place. The diagonal composition emphasizes the upward movement of the figures. Rubens based the figures on classical sculpture which he had sketched during his stay in Rome decades earlier. The figure of Ganymede is based on one of the children of the Hellenistic group of the Laocoön in the Vatican Museum. The figure of the eagle is based on some of his own compositions such as the Prometheus Bound.
The tall vertical format of the finished painting in the Prado suggests that it was intended to be placed between windows in the king's hunting lodge. The preparatory sketch in the Princeton University Art Museum and the final version in the Prado show various differences including in Ganymede's expression and physique, the addition of a quiver with arrows and the position of the eagle, whose beak catches the strap of the quiver rather than the small piece of red cloth in the sketch. Rubens also added Jupiter's thunderbolt in the sky. In the final version Ganymede's left hand rests on the eagle's outstretched wing, which may have been inspired by Michelangelo's treatment of this subject. In the finished work Ganymede appears more apprehensive. This is possibly because Rubens regarded the eagle not as Jupiter himself but as his emissary, as in Virgil's account. In the final work Ganymede looks upward to the bolt of lightning which personifies Jupiter above. The quiver added to the final version is placed and depicted in a manner which is very suggestive of an erect male member and clearly points to the erotic connotations of the story.
References
1636 paintings
Paintings by Peter Paul Rubens in the Museo del Prado
Birds in art
Paintings depicting Greek myths
Mythological paintings by Peter Paul Rubens
Nude art
Gay art
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using Fody;
using VerifyXunit;
[UsesVerify]
public partial class IntegrationTests
{
static IntegrationTests()
{
var weavingTask = new ModuleWeaver();
testResult = weavingTask.ExecuteTestRun("AssemblyToProcess.dll");
}
static TestResult testResult;
#pragma warning restore 618
}
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"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
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\section*{Acknowledgments}
{\color{black}The authors wish to thank G. Drotos and J. Wouters for useful exchanges, }and acknowledge the support received by the EU Horizon2020 projects Blue-Action (grant No. 727852) and CRESCENDO (grant No. 641816). VL acknowledges the support of the DFG SFB/Transregio project TRR181.
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AUGUSTO FRASSINETI (Faenza 1911-Roma 1985) fu traduttore raffinato e non convenzionale e autore di brevi scritti di sapore satirico. La sua traduzione del _Gargantua e Pantagruele_ vinse il Premio Monselice 1981 per la traduzione.
Proprietà letteraria riservata
© 1984 Rizzoli Libri S.p.A., Milano
© 1995 R.C.S. Libri & Grandi Opere S.p.A., Milano
© 1998 RCS Libri S.p.A., Milano
Introduzione a cura di NetPhilo Srl
ISBN 978-88-58-61430-3
Titolo originale dell'opera:
LA VIE TRÈS HORRIFIQUE DU GRAND GARGANTUA,
PÈRE DE PANTAGRUEL
PANTAGRUEL, ROY DES DIPSODES
La traduzione di Augusto Frassineti ci è stata gentilmente concessa dalla RCS Sansoni Editore S.p.A., Firenze.
Prima edizione digitale 2010
da settima edizione dicembre 2007
In copertina:
Illustrazioni di Samivel
© 1934 by Delagrave Edition, Paris-France
Progetto grafico Mucca Design
Per conoscere il mondo BUR visita il sito www.bur.eu
Quest'opera è protetta dalla Legge sul diritto d'autore.
E' vietata ogni duplicazione, anche parziale, non autorizzata.
INTRODUZIONE
«Fra tutte le creature viventi solo l'uomo conosce il riso» afferma Aristotele nel De anima. È proprio tale privilegio umano – quasi un segno della benedizione degli dèi – il punto di partenza di quell'esperienza letteraria rivoluzionaria che è l'opera di François Rabelais. Essa si fonda sulle infinite capacità della parola di scatenare il riso, trasformando la quotidianità della vita umana, a prima vista triste e malinconica, in una fonte inesauribile di energia e ilarità. Infatti, «meglio è di risa che di pianti scrivere» avverte l'autore, in quanto, attraverso la risata, lo scrittore è in grado di stimolare moti d'animo catartici e liberatori. Scrive a tal proposito Michail Bachtin: «La concezione del riso, nel Rinascimento, può essere caratterizzata preliminarmente e sommariamente in questo modo: il riso ha un profondo significato di visione del mondo, è una delle forme più importanti con cui si esprime la verità sul mondo nel suo insieme, sulla storia, sull'uomo». Ciò trova la massima espressione in Gargantua e Pantagruele, opera composta da cinque libri pubblicati da Rabelais, sotto lo pseudonimo di Alcofribas Nasier, tra il 1532 e il 1564 (data successiva alla morte dell'autore, in cui vede la luce l'edizione completa e definitiva dell'opera). Qui il comico rabelaisiano assume la forma di una grottesca e disincantata osservazione del reale, indagato e deformato, con un'analisi acutissima e tagliente, tramite l'utilizzo di battute, motti e dileggi ispirati al linguaggio popolare dell'epoca. A fare da base a tutto ciò si pone il racconto delle incredibili avventure dei due protagonisti che danno il titolo all'opera.
Il primo di essi è Gargantua, figlio del gigante Gargamagna, re d'Utopia, e di Gargamella. Egli viene alla luce dall'orecchio della madre durante un banchetto nel quale tutti gli invitati sono posseduti dal dio Bacco. Anche il suo strambo nome nasce in tale situazione: il padre, infatti, veduto il neonato, pronuncia le seguenti parole: «Que grand tu as!» («Diavolo, alla gran tua... [sottointeso, gola]»). Gargantua, ricevuta in gioventù un'educazione di stampo medievale, tenta di rimediarvi seguendo i consigli del saggio Ponocrate, che lo introduce alla passione per i libri. Prima di cedere il regno ereditato dal padre al figlio Pantagruele, egli si rende famoso difendendolo dall'assalto del re Picrocolo. Le imprese del figlio sono, se possibile, ancor più incredibili di quelle del genitore. La vita di Pantagruele, gigante dotato di una forza immane e di un poderoso appetito, è costellata da una miriade di avventure, sempre affrontate in compagnia del fido chierico Panurgo. Cresciuto, a differenza di Gargantua, secondo le innovative teorie pedagogiche rinascimentali, Pantagruele può essere accostato alla figura paterna per quel che riguarda la genesi del nome. Al tempo della sua nascita, infatti, nel regno di Gargantua si diffonde una terribile siccità che è all'origine del nome «Pantagruele», dal momento che «in greco Panta è come dire tutto, e Gruel, in lingua agarena, è lo stesso che dire assetato». Rispecchiando l'adagio latino nomen omen, il suo destino sarà infatti quello di provocare l'irresistibile desiderio di bere in qualsiasi persona che incontra. È proprio attorno alla «divina bevanda», vero e proprio leitmotiv dell'opera rabelaisiana, che si innesta l'avventura principale vissuta da questo gigante. Il suo amico Panurgo non si decide a prender moglie, tormentato dal dubbio se ciò sia utile oppure no. Questo lo porta a viaggiare con Pantagruele in giro per il mondo, alla ricerca di una persona che gli permetta di sciogliere definitivamente, tramite un consiglio, tale nodo gordiano. Dopo aver visitato paesi affascinanti e incredibili, popolati da creature fantastiche, i due compagni giungono a consultare l'oracolo della Diva Bottiglia. Essi, guidati dalla sacerdotessa Bacbuc, sottoponendo il quesito all'oracolo, ricevono come risposta la parola «TRINK» che, in inglese antico, vuol dire «Bevi!».
Questo invito ad assaggiare il calice della vita è ciò che travolge immediatamente i lettori del capolavoro di Rabelais. I suoi eccessi verbali, l'eloquenza ardita, le metafore di stampo surrealista, i continui giochi di parole sono, infatti, in pieno accordo con il mondo che lo scrittore francese intende evocare. Non solo, ma la sua lingua è in armonia con i personaggi cui egli vuole conferire corpo ed energia. L'universo fantastico creato da Rabelais è dominato dall'immediata urgenza dell'uomo rinascimentale, dopo secoli di repressione, di accordare una fiducia incondizionata alla vita, di sentirsi una creatura immersa nella natura, carnale e dominata dagli istinti. «Folleggiando saggiamente», come scrive Étienne Pasquier, Rabelais ha saputo tratteggiare un tipo di uomo per cui gli istinti più bassi e le passioni della carne non sono in contraddizione con gli ideali umanistici di libertà e sapere. Proprio per questo, all'interno della sua opera, un'inflessione di voce, un tic verbale, diventano rivelatori d'un carattere e, ancor più frequentemente, di un tipo umano o di un intero mondo da esso rappresentato. L'esagerazione e l'iperbole trovano così la loro funzione nell'affrescare al meglio ciò che forma e caratterizza l'ideale rinascimentale. «Un comico, per intenderci, alla Molière: in quanto non esclude aperture sul tono grave e serio, sottende sempre l'umano, ed è pronto a far brillare magari solo con un ammiccar d'occhi le sovrane ragioni e il riso trionfatore del buonsenso, anche nelle creazioni fantastiche più paradossali e abnormi», scrive a tal proposito Mario Bonfantini. In Rabelais vi è dunque la volontà di unire il sapere, di tipo scientifico ed enciclopedico, con la gioia che deriva dal contatto immediato dei sensi con la natura. Utopia, ai nostri occhi, dell'unità di conoscenza e felicità che rende perfettamente intellegibile l'immagine dell'uomo cinquecentesco. È il sogno dei Telemiti – monaci abitanti di un'abbazia fatta costruire da Gargantua e protagonisti di alcuni capitoli della prima parte –, la cui vita non è più regolata da leggi, ma esclusivamente dal loro libero arbitrio: «Si levavano dal letto quando loro piaceva; bevevano, mangiavano, lavoravano, dormivano quando ne avevano voglia; nessuno li svegliava, nessuno li forzava a bere o a mangiare o a fare qualsiasi altra cosa. Così aveva stabilito Gargantua. La regola del convento era racchiusa in un solo articolo: FA' CIÒ CHE VUOI. Giacchè gli uomini liberi, ben nati e bene educati, avvezzi alle oneste compagnie, hanno di lor natura (ed è ciò che i Telemiti chiamavano onore) un istinto, uno stimolo che sempre li spinge ad azioni virtuose e li tiene lontani dal vizio».
CRONOLOGIA DELLA VITA E DELLE OPERE
1494 ca. – François Rabelais nasce alla Devinière, vicino Chinon. Scarse sono le notizie sulla sua giovinezza.
1520 – Novizio francescano a La Baumette presso Angers, è poi frate minore nel convento del Puy-Saint-Martin, già completamente dedito agli studi letterari e cultore appassionato del greco.
1525 ca. – Chiede e ottiene di passare dai francescani ai benedettini, presso il convento Saint-Pierre de Maillezais. Segretario di Geoffroy d'Estissiac, viaggia nel Poitou, nel Périgord.
1527 – Lascia l'abito monacale e si fa prete secolare.
1530 – Si iscrive alla facoltà di medicina di Montpellier, dedito in particolar modo allo studio delle opere di Ippocrate e Galeno.
1531 – È a Lione, nell'esercizio della sua professione di medico.
1532 – Dopo aver curato le edizioni di opere di Ippocrate, del medico italiano Manardi, e di un centone quattrocentesco dal titolo Testament de Cuspidius, pubblica, sotto lo pseudonimo di Alcofribas Nasier, il Pantagruel, seguito in breve tempo dalla Pantagrueline Pronostication pour l'an 1533.
1534 – si reca a Roma al seguito di Jean Du Bellay per un breve soggiorno. Tornato a Lione, pubblica il Gargantua. In seguito all'affare dei placards (manifesti) affissi a Parigi e Amboise contro la Chiesa cattolica, è costretto ad allontanarsi da Lione per fuggire la successiva repressione contro i protestanti.
1535 – Nuovamente a Roma, sempre con Du Bellay, ora cardinale. Rientra a Lione per riprendere, subito, la sua vita errabonda. A Montpellier consegue il dottorato e tiene corsi all'università.
1540 – È a Torino, poi ancora a Roma, sempre al seguito del cardinale Du Bellay. Due figli naturali nati dalla relazione con una vedova gli vengono legittimati da Paolo III.
1542 – Vede la luce, a Lione, il Gargantua e Pantagruel, nell'edizione definitiva e rivista dallo stesso Rabelais. Il testo fu condannato l'anno successivo dalla Facoltà di Teologia della Sorbona.
1548 – Uscita dell'edizione parziale del Quart Livre.
1522 – Una nuova condanna della Sorbona segue la pubblicazione integrale del Quart Livre.
1553 – Rabelais muore a Parigi, dopo aver passato gli ultimi anni della sua vita tra Saint-Maur e la capitale.
1562 – Postuma la pubblicazione del Cinquième Livre, opera completata e pubblicata – inizialmente in edizione non definitiva – da autore sconosciuto.
BIBLIOGRAFIA
L'opera di Rabelais è leggibile per il lettore italiano solo inquadrandola nel suo contesto storico e sociale su cui disponiamo di due lavori straordinari:
Lucien Febvre, Il problema dell'incredulità nel secolo XVI: la religione di Rabelais (1947), Einaudi, Torino 1978 e Michail Bachtin, L'opera di Rabelais e la cultura popolare: riso, carnevale e festa nella tradizione medievale e rinascimentale, Einaudi, Torino 1979 (il grande storico delle culture e teorico della letteratura sovietico ha lavorato sulla cultura "carnevalesca" e il XVI secolo dagli anni Trenta agli anni Sessanta).
Indichiamo qualche altro saggio e qualche monografia anche su temi di comparazione con la letteratura italiana:
Rabelais en son demi-millenaire: actes du Colloque international de Tours, 24-29 septembre 1984, a cura di Jean Ceard et Jean-Claude Margolin, Librairie Droz, Genève 1988;
Jean Plattard, Rabelais: l'homme et l'oeuvre, Hatier-Boivin, Paris 1957;
Giuseppe Caputo, Rabelais e il diritto canonico: ancora sulla religione di Rabelais, in Rivista italiana per le scienze giuridiche, v. 11, Milano 1967;
Marcel Tetel, Rabelais et l'Italie, Olschki, Firenze 1969.
Étienne Gilson, Rabelais franciscain, Vrin, Paris 1986.
Jerome Schwartz, Irony and ideology in Rabelais: structures of subversion, Cambridge University Press, Cambridge 1990;
André Tournon, En sens agile: les acrobaties de l'esprit selon Rabelais, Champion, Paris 1995;
Guy Demerson, L'esthétique de Rabelais, CDU-SEDES, Paris 1996;
Martine Sauret, Gargantua et les delits du corps, Lang, New York 1997.
Raffaele Scalamandre, Rabelais e Folengo e altri studi sulla letteratura francese del '500, Edizioni di storia e letteratura, Roma 1998;
Rabelais pour le 21e siècle: actes du Colloque du Centre d'études superieures de la Renaissance (Chinon-Tours 1994), a cura di Michel Simonin, librairie Droz, Genève 1998.
Ewin M. Duval, The design of Rabelais's Quart livre de Pantagruel, Librairie Droz, Genève 1998.
Marcel de Greve, La reception de Rabelais en Europe du XVI au XVIII siecle, Librairie Droz, Genève 1998.
Emmanuel Naya, Rabelais. Une anthropologie humaniste des passions, Presses univarsitaires de France, Paris 1998.
Anne Lake Prescott, Imagining Rabelais in Renaissance England, Yale University Press, New Haven 1998.
Kurt Baldinger, Etymologisches Worterbuch zu Rabelais (Gargantua), Niemeyer, Tubingen 2001.
Gianni Zauli, La Biblioteque imaginaire de Rabelais, Vaca, Russi 2004.
Bernd Renner, Difficile est satyram non scribere. L'hermeneutique de la satire rabelaisienne, Librairie Droz, Genève 2007.
NOTA AL TESTO
Il testo seguito, di massima, per questa traduzione è quello stabilito da Jacques Boulenger per la sua edizione delle Opere complete di Rabelais nella Pléiade di Gallimard. Non ho mancato però di considerare che, per il Libro I e il Libro II, proprio perché ricalcati esattamente sulla Edizione data a Lione nel 1542 a cura dello stesso Rabelais, questo testo accoglie numerose varianti le quali altro non sono che vere e proprie corrections de prudence, operazioni cioè di autocensura dettate da ragioni di opportunità contingente, o meglio (data la durezza dei tempi di allora per gli umanisti e per chiunque, prendendo partito, si mettesse in vista tra Riforma e Controriforma, fra Sorbona e Collegio delle Tre Lingue) da ragioni di sopravvivenza. Mi è parso pertanto più che opportuno, spulciando altre edizioni, recuperare il più ed il meglio delle parti omesse o comunque alterate, cercando di restituire così ai veleni satirici di Rabelais la loro piena efficacia originaria. Una simile operazione di «restauro», relativamente agevole per i due primi libri, si rivela invece impossibile là dove sarebbe forse maggiormente desiderabile: dico relativamente al quinto ed ultimo libro, dove ad esempio la satira antipapale e anticattolica raggiunge toni di scherno e di violenza non riscontrabili nei libri precedenti. Il fatto è che, morto Rabelais nel 1553, la prima edizione parziale del Libro V apparve col titolo de L'Isola Sonante nel 1562, e la prima edizione completa nel 1564. A parte ancora un manoscritto di mano ignota, queste le fonti che, fra l'altro, non concordano pienamente fra loro. Dunque un'opera postuma e non di pochi anni, forse lasciata dall'autore allo stato di progetto o di abbozzo o comunque incompiuta e quindi andata soggetta a integrazioni e arrangiamenti di vario genere in obbedienza a interessi di parte o di cassetta. Un'opera tuttavia abbastanza profondamente e diffusamente intrisa di modi e spiriti rabelaisiani da rendere surrettizio e velleitario ogni tentativo di sceverarne all'interno, punto per punto, il vero dal falso Rabelais. Salvo, ritengo, per quel che riguarda l'ultimo capitolo dell'Isola Sonante e gran parte del prologo, dove la cosa, come il famoso corno spezzato della famosa capretta di Fedro, parla da sé. Del primo, il meno che credo di poter dire, a fiuto, dopo alcuni anni di assidua frequentazione dell'opera di Rabelais, è che non par dubbia la sua natura di corpo estraneo, di macchinosa rimasticatura, di tedioso quanto inutile ingombro: uno di quegli inciampi che riescono talvolta a generare nel lettore una crisi di rigetto; e perciò, dopo averlo tradotto, mi è parso bene relegarlo in appendice, insieme agli ultimi capoversi del capitolo precedente che gli fanno da battistrada. Quanto al secondo, ho fatto mio il criterio seguito dal Boulenger nella citata edizione che ne accoglie soltanto un breve frammento.
A.F.
GARGANTUA E PANTAGRUELE
LA MOLTO SPAVENTEVOLE VITA DEL GRANDE GARGANTUA PADRE DI PANTAGRUELE
Già composta dal Signor Alcofribas
astrattore di Quinta Essenza
Libro pieno di pantagruelismo
AI LETTORI
Cari amici, se leggermi vorrete
Liberatevi prima d'ogni affanno
E leggendo non vi scandalizzate:
Qui non c'è né miasma né malanno.
Vero è che ben poco crescerete
In perfezione salvo che nel ridere.
Ma qual più degno tema in cuore eleggere,
Tanto è il duol che vi strugge e vi fa piangere?
Meglio di riso che di pianto scrivere
Poiché è dell'uomo e di lui solo il ridere.
VIVETE LIETI
PROLOGO DELL'AUTORE
Nel Simposio di Platone si legge che Alcibiade, lodando Socrate suo precettore – e incontestabilmente il principe dei filosofi – lo diceva fra l'altro simile ai Sileni. Sileni eran chiamati a quel tempo certi piccoli vasi quali se ne vedono oggidì nelle botteghe degli speziali, ornati di figure festose e puerili, come satiri, arpie, paperi imbrigliati, lepri cornute, ed altre pitture del genere, contraffatte a piacere per far ridere la gente, proprio come Sileno, maestro dell'ottimo Bacco; ma dentro poi custodivano le droghe più ricercate, come balsamo, ambra grigia, amomo, muschio, zibetto, pietre virtuose, ed altre cose di gran pregio. E così, diceva lui, era Socrate, perché a vederlo di fuori, a giudicarne dall'aspetto, non gli avreste dato una pelle di cipolla, tanto era brutto nel corpo e ridicolo nel portamento. Naso appuntito, sguardo di toro, faccia da mentecatto, disadorno nei modi, rustico nel vestire, povero, sfortunato con le donne, inetto ad ogni pubblica funzione, sempre di umor faceto, sempre a bere in compagnia – uno a me uno a te –, sempre a berteggiare, sempre attento a nascondere il suo divino sapere. Ma poi, chi avesse scoperchiato quel coccio, vi avrebbe scorto all'interno una celeste inestimabile droga: intendimento più che umano, virtù meravigliosa, coraggio invincibile, sobrietà ineguagliabile, facilissima contentatura, lealtà assoluta, e un incredibile disprezzo di tutto ciò per cui gli uomini perdono il sonno, corrono, si arrabattano, vanno per mare e battagliano.
Ma a che mira a parer vostro (dico a voi, bevitori illustrissimi, e a voi, impestati preziosissimi – poiché a voi e non ad altri son dedicati i miei scritti) a che mira a parer vostro questo preambolo, questo tiro di prova? Al fatto che voi, miei bravi discepoli, e qualche altro matto in vacanza come voi, leggendo i titoli burleschi di alcuni libri di nostra invenzione, come Gargantua, Pantagruele, Scolafiasche, La Dignità delle Braghette, Piselli al Guanciale cum Commento1, ecc. pensate subito che dentro vi siano soltanto motteggi, stravaganze, allegre panzane, stante che l'insegna, ovverosia il titolo, a non volerne sapere di più, suona generalmente irrisione e sollazzo. Ma le opere degli umani non vogliono esser giudicate con tanta leggerezza. Siete voi stessi a dire che l'abito non fa il monaco; e c'è chi veste da monaco e nel suo interno è tutto men che monaco, e chi, sotto paludamenti marziali e spagnoleschi si porta in petto un cuore di coniglio. Per tal motivo è mestieri aprire il libro e soppesare con cura ciò che vi si narra. Allora saprete che la droga che dentro vi sta è di ben altro valore che il vaso, cioè a dire che la materia del libro non è tanto burlevole come il titolo dava ad intendere.
E dato il caso che – stando alla lettera – vi troviate argomenti abbastanza giocosi, proprio ad immagine e somiglianza del titolo, nonpertanto dovrete fermarvi là come al canto di una sirena, ché anzi dovrete interpretare nel senso più alto ciò che per avventura potreste credere dettato solamente per gioco.
Avete mai stappato una bottiglia? Corpo d'un cane! Provate a ricordarvi la vostra faccia in quel momento. E avete mai visto per l'appunto un cane (che, come dice Platone – lib. II de Rep. – è la bestia più filosofa del mondo) quando incappa in un osso col midollo? Se l'avete visto, avrete anche notato con quale devozione lo guata, con quanta cura lo custodisce, con che fervore lo tiene, con quanta cautela lo intacca, con quale bramosia lo stritola, con quanta diligenza lo succhia.
Chi lo induce a far questo? Che cosa spera dalla sua fatica? Qual bene ne pretende? Niente altro che un poco di midollo. Ma quel poco contiene più delizie del molto d'ogni altra cosa perché il midollo è alimento elaborato e perfezion di natura, come dice Galeno, III Facul. natural. & XI De usu parti.
Similmente a quel cane, a voi conviene esser saggi per fiutare, gustare ed apprezzare questi libri eccellenti, leggeri nel braccheggio, arditi nell'attacco; poi con avida lettura e assidua meditazione spezzarne l'osso e succhiarne quello che io intendo con questi simboli pitagorici, cioè la sostantifica midolla, con la speranza sicura di acquistarne sagacia e valore quanto occorre per una simile lettura; giacché in essa troverete ben altri piaceri e dottrina più riposta, la quale vi rivelerà altissimi sacramenti ed orrifici misteri su tutto ciò che concerne sia la nostra religione, sia lo stato delle cose politiche, sia l'andamento dell'economia.
Credete voi in buona fede che Omero, scrivendo l'Iliade e l'Odissea, avesse mai per la mente le allegorie che gli hanno ristoppato sopra Plutarco, Eraclide Pontico, Eustazio, Fornuto e quel che da costoro ha rubacchiato Poliziano? Se lo credete non vi accostate di un piede né di un pollice all'opinione di chi come me dichiara che Omero ha tanto pensato a quelle allegorie quanto Ovidio nelle sue Metamorfosi ai sacri misteri dell'Evangelio, come pretenderebbe un tal Frate Lubino, emerito leccapiedi, sperando di imbattersi, come dice il proverbio, in un coperchio degno del paiolo, cioè a dire in gente matta come lui.
Se poi non lo credete, perché non fate altrettanto con queste mie spassose e nuove cronache, sebbene, nel mentre le componevo io non ci pensassi più di voi che forse stavate sbicchierando al par di me? Giacché alla composizione di questo libro signoresco non diedi mai né persi maggior tempo, o diverso, da quello stabilito per la mia refezione corporale, quello cioè del bere e del mangiare. È questo infatti il tempo più propizio a così alte discipline e a sì profonde speculazioni, come ben sapevano Omero, paragone di tutti i filologi, ed Ennio, padre dei poeti latini, secondo che testimonia Orazio; sebbene un miserabile abbia detto che i suoi carmi sentivano più il vino che l'olio.
Altrettanto blaterò dei miei libri un botolo ringhioso, merda a lui! L'odore del vino, o quanto è più gustoso, ridente, propiziatorio, celeste e ineffabile che non il fiato d'olio. Si dica pure di me che io spendo più in vino che in olio, che io me ne glorierò quanto Demostene allorché di lui si diceva aver egli speso più in olio che in vino. Per me, altro non è che onore e vanto l'esser detto e creduto valente cioncatore e buontempone, ed essere per tal fama il bene accolto in ogni bella brigata di Pantagruelisti. A Demostene fu rinfacciato da uno schizzignoso che le sue orazioni maleolevano come lo strofinaccio nero e fetido di un mercante d'olio. Pertanto voi coglierete, dei fatti e detti miei, la parte perfettissima avendo in gran rispetto il cervello caseiforme che vi sostenta con queste belle bolle di loffia e, per quanto sta in voi, tenetemi sempre allegro.
Adesso esultate, amorucci miei, e leggete quel che segue, senza incomodo del corpo e con profitto delle reni. Ma attenzione, mie brave verghe d'asino (che il canchero vi rosichi), non scordatevi di bere alla mia salute, per farla pari, e io vi ripagherò colpo su colpo.
1 A parte Gargangua, Pantagruele e forse Scolafiasche, si tratta di opere immaginarie.
CAPITOLO I
Genealogia e antichità di Gargantua
Per aver cognizione della genealogia e dell'antichità donde discese a noi Gargantua, vi rimando alla grande cronica Pantagruelina. In essa apprenderete più per disteso come fu che a questo mondo nacquero i giganti e come da loro, per discendenza diretta, si generasse Gargantua padre di Pantagruele. Né v'increscerà se io per il momento me ne discarico, sebbene la cosa sia di tal natura che quante più volte venisse ricordata tanto più tornerebbe gradita alle vostre Signorie: come del resto ne certifica l'autorità di Platone nel Filebo e nel Gorgia, e di Flacco altresì, che afferma esservi certe cose (tal quale è questa senza dubbio veruno) tanto più dilettevoli quanto più spesso ridette. Piacesse a Dio che ciascuno avesse notizia altrettanto sicura della propria genealogia a cominciare dall'Arca di Noè! Io credo che vi siano oggidì sopra la terra re, duchi, principi e papi i quali sono discesi da un qualche portaceste o straccivendolo, e, per converso, mendicanti all'ospizio, pitocchi, miserabili, discesi dalla stirpe di magnifici re e imperatori, atteso il prodigioso trasferimento di regni e imperi
dagli Assiri ai Medi
dai Medi ai Persiani
dai Persiani ai Macedoni
dai Macedoni ai Romani
dai Romani ai Greci
dai Greci ai Francesi.
E, per dire di me che vi parlo, io credo di discendere da un qualche munifico principe o re dei tempi andati, giacché mai non si vide uomo che più di me desideri di essere re, e di borsa ben fornita, per aver sempre corte bandita, non lavorare, non darmi pensiero, arricchire a dovere gli amici e tutte le persone istruite e dabbene. Ma in questo mi consolo, che lo sarò nel mondo di là e anche più grande di quanto al presente non ardisca augurarmi. Anche voi, nelle vostre disgrazie, consolatevi con questi o ancor più dolci pensieri, e bevete fresco, se possibile.
Tornando a bottega, vi dirò che per dono sovrano dei cieli l'antichissima genealogia di Gargantua ci è stata preservata intera più d'ogni altra (ad eccezione di quella del Messia, di cui non dico perché non mi compete, e i diavoli – cioè a dire calunniatori e graffiasanti – vi si oppongono) e fu trovata da Giovanni Andeau in un prato che lui aveva presso l'arco Galeau, un po' sotto l'Oliva, tirando verso Narsay2. Dove, nel ripulire i fossi, gli zappatori diedero con le marre in una grandissima tomba di bronzo, così smisuratamente lunga che non se n'è mai trovata la fine, tanto si inoltrava sotto gli argini della Vienna. Aprendola in un punto contrassegnato da un boccale circondato da una scritta in lettere etrusche che diceva HIC BIBITUR, trovarono nove fiaschette disposte come s'usa in Guascogna con i birilli. Di queste la mediana copriva un grosso, grasso, grande, grigio, grazioso, piccolo, muffito libriccino che odorava più forte, ma non più soave, di una rosa.
In questo, appunto, fu rinvenuta la detta genealogia, scritta per disteso in caratteri cancelliereschi, non su carta, non su pergamena e nemmeno su tavole di cera, bensì su una corteccia d'olmo, ma tanto corrosa dagli anni che non si riusciva a decifrarne tre lettere in fila.
Io, benché indegno, fui chiamato là e con il rinforzo di potenti occhiali, praticando l'arte di leggere scritture invisibili come insegna Aristotele3, la tradussi, come voi potrete vedere pantagruelizzando, cioè a dire bevendo a piacer vostro e leggendo le orrifiche gesta di Pantagruele.
Alla fine del libro c'era un trattatello intitolato Le Fanfaluche antidotate. Topi e tignole, o, per non rischiare omissioni, altre bestie maligne, ne avevano rosicchiato il principio. Il resto, per il rispetto dovuto alle anticaglie, l'ho trascritto qui appresso.
CAPITOLO II
Le Fanfaluche antidotate, trovate in un monumento antico4
...rivo del lito matore dei Cimbri ta vo ta fu una sorpresa perché venne giù dal cielo avendo viaggiato per l'aria per paura della guazza... ando lo videro tutti si misero a riempire i trogoli con il burro fresco che pioveva a mastelli di stravento. La gran madre, imbutirrata ben bene anche lei, si mise a gridare come una matta: «Di grazia, signori, tiratelo su! O almeno tenetegli una scala. Non vedete che ha la barba tutta imbuinata?».
«Macché indulgenze, macché penitenze» dicevano, «leccagli la pantofola e tira via». Ma poi salta fuori dalla tana dei ghiozzi un fistolo matricolato che dice: «Perdio, signori, stiamo in guardia. Cerchiamo bene dietro la bottega. Qui gatta ci cova e gliel'ha fatta dentro la mozzetta».
Quando fu pronto a leggere il capitolo, fu preso atto che c'erano soltanto le corna di un vitello. «Ho un gran freddo nel fondo della mitria» diceva lui, «mi s'intorbida il cervello». Lo riscaldarono con i suffumigi di ravizzone e dopo, promesso che gli fu un altro cavallo da stanga per quei forsennati della malora, si accontentò di starsene accanto al fuoco.
Si parlò del buco di San Patrizio5, di Gibraltar e di mille altri pertugi, per trovare il modo di metterci un tappo contro la tosse, essendo a giudizio di tutti cosa assai disdicevole vederli sbadigliare così ad ogni vento; mentre se per avventura si fosse venuti a capo di tamponarli convenientemente, si sarebbe potuto benissimo rifilarli a qualcuno come ostaggi.
Così avendo deliberato, portarono il corvo che fu spennato da Ercole, venuto apposta dalla Libia. «E io?» disse Minosse. «Perché non mi hanno invitato? Qui pappamagna per tutti! E intanto si scordano di me che gli mando sempre le ostriche e le ranocchie. Poi se la prendono perché me la prendo. Allora sapete cosa vi dico? Friggetevi le vostre conocchie. Io al mercato una ch'è una non ce le porto più».
A domarli sopravvenne Q.B., quello che sbanda, con l'esca degli amabili stornelli. Poi Scacciacrusca, cugino del gran Ciclope, li massacrò. E che ognuno si soffi il naso suo! – In questo maggese si può dire che non nasce un finocchio che non finisca tosto alla berlina sul mulino della concia.
Accorrete accorrete, suonate a soccorso,
e ne avrete ne avrete più dell'anno scorso.
Infatti non passò un giorno che l'uccello di Giove decise di mettersi dalla parte dei cattivi. Ma poi, quando li vide imbestialiti a quel modo, disse: «Qui va a finire che mi mettono a fuoco l'Impero e ci fanno lo spezzatino. Meglio tornare al mercato e trafugare il fuoco empireo al buzzo delle salacche che lasciare l'aria celeste alla mercé dei congiurati e assoggettarla alle sentenze dei Massoreti».
Per quanto Ate, maligna, avendo visto che Pentesilea da tanto che era vecchia veniva scambiata per un'erbivendola, si fosse piantata là con le sue gambe d'airone, l'affare fu concluso a fil di spada. E tutti gridavano: «Brutta carbonara! Non ti bastano le fettuccine di pergamena della bandiera romana che ti sei presa? Passa via, fatti in là, brutta carbonara!»
E se non fosse stato che Giunone, all'ombra dell'arcobaleno, badava a incantare le allodole con il suo allocco sul palo, le avrebbero giocato uno di quei tiri da sconciarla da tutte le parti. L'accordo fu che di quella portata a lei toccavano due uova di Proserpina, salvo incatenarla al monte d'Albaspina se avesse detto «Bah».
Passarono sette mesi meno ventidue prima che il distruttore di Cartagine venisse a mettersi in mezzo fra di loro chiedendo amabilmente la sua eredità; o che altrimenti si facesse la spartizione a dovere secondo leggi scritte bene in chiaro e fissate con il ribattino; lasciando però un tantinello di zuppa per i gaglioffi autori del brevetto.
Ma verrà l'anno segnato dall'arco turchesco con cinque fusi e tre culi di marmitta; e sarà il tempo nel quale un tanghero di re intonacato da eremita si piglierà il malfrancese nel didietro. Miserabili voi che per una ficalessa lascerete sprofondare le terre. Finché la mascherata finirà e andrete tutti al diavolo.
Perché in verità in verità vi dico che, trascorso questo tempo, Colui che è regnerà. Regnerà nella pace con i suoi buoni amici. Villania ed oltraggio più non prevarranno; la buona volontà sarà premiata; tutta la gioia promessa alle genti dal cielo albergherà nel suo campanile; e gli stalloni attoniti riavranno i trionfi dei palafreni regali.
Questo tempo di Pimperimpara durerà finché Marte sia in catene. Ma il tempo che seguirà sarà di tutti il migliore: gaudioso, faceto, bello oltremisura. In alto i cuori o miei fidi! Accorrete accorrete al banchetto, poiché morto è colui che a nessun prezzo tornerà, troppo alti essendo il rimpianto e le lodi del tempo che fu.
Ma, finalmente, chi era fatto di cera diventerà martello di campana, né alcuno più chiamerà «Sire Sire» il campanaro che regge la pentola. O potergli strappare quella sua scimitarra! Così ogni affanno ci cadrebbe di dosso e basterebbe un po' di spago per chiudere con tanto di sigillo lo spaccio di ogni frode.
CAPITOLO III
Come Gargantua fu portato per undici mesi nel ventre di sua madre
Gargamagna, ai suoi tempi, era buon motteggiatore e – bevitore all'ultima goccia se altri mai – mangiava volentieri salato. Aveva perciò ordinariamente buona provvigione di prosciutti di Magonza e di Baiona, gran quantità di lingue di bue affumicate, sambudelli in abbondanza nella giusta stagione e bue salato in mostarda, bottarghe di riserva e in fine una provvista di mortadelle, ma non di Bologna, per timore del boccon dei Lombardi6, bensì di Bigorre, Loquaulnay, Brene e Rouargue.
In età virile sposò Gargamella, figlia del re dei Parpaglioni, bel tocco di manigolda, e loro due d'accordo facevano spesso la bestia a due schiene sfregolandosi il lardo allegramente, così che lei rimase ingravidata di un bel fantolino che portò all'undicesimo mese.
Tanto e anche più a lungo può durar gravida una donna, massime quando è in gioco un qualche capo d'opera, un personaggio chiamato ad illustrare il proprio secolo con imprese memorabili; come dice Omero del fanciullo di cui Nettuno ingravidò la ninfa, che nacque trascorso un anno, cioè dopo dodici mesi. Poiché tale era il tempo – come osserva Aulo Gellio, lib. III – che si conveniva alla maestà di Nettuno, affinché il nascituro ne sortisse lavorato alla perfezione. Per la stessa ragione Giove ordinò che durasse quarantotto ore la notte che egli giacque con Alcmena, non potendosi in minor tempo fucinare un Ercole, destinato com'era a ripulire il mondo da mostri e da tiranni.
I signori pantagruelisti dell'antichità hanno confermato quello che dico e hanno dichiarato non solo possibile ma persino legittimo il figlio dato alla luce l'undicesimo mese dopo morto il marito della madre.
Cfr.:
Ippocrate, lib. De Alimento;
Plinio, lib. VII, cap. V;
Plauto, in Cistellaria;
Marco Varrone, nella satira Il Testamento, allegando l'autorità di Aristotele;
Censorino, De Die natali;
Aristotele, De natura animalium, lib. VII, cap. III e IV;
Gellio, Notti Attiche, lib. III, cap. XVI;
Servio7, Commento sopra Virgilio, al verso «Matri longa decem...», Egloga IV;
e mille altri pazzi il cui numero è stato accresciuto dai giurisperiti: DIGESTO, De suis et legitimis heredibus, par. ultimo; NOVELLE COSTITUZIONI, De restitutionibus et ea quae parit in undecimo mense post mortem viri, tit. XVIII, nov. XIX.
Inoltre ne hanno imbrattato le loro rodibilardiche leggi: Gallo (DIGESTO, lib. VII, De liberis et postumis heredibus ecc. e DIGESTO, lib. VII, De statu hominum) e qualche altro che per ora non ardisco nominare8. In virtù delle quali leggi è consentito alle donne, fino a due mesi dopo la morte del marito, di giocare a strizzaculo in franchigia e a lor pieno talento.
Di grazia, miei bravi puttanieri, se ve ne capita alcuna che valga la pena di sbrachettare, mettetevela sotto e conducetela a me.
Perché, se al terzo mese ingravida, il frutto sarà erede del defunto; e, stabilito che gravida è, grazie a Dio, non la tien più nessuno. Salpa gli ormeggi che la barca è piena! – come diceva Giulia, la figlia di Ottaviano imperatore, che mai non si lasciava stamburare dai suoi tamburini se prima non sentiva d'esser pregna. Così come la nave non riceve il pilota se prima non sia ben calafata e con la stiva carica. E se qualcuno avesse a biasimarle per lasciarsi rinculintoppare così sul pondo ascoso, mentre le bestie, sulla loro ventrata, mai non sopportano maschio che maschieggi, esse risponderanno che le bestie sono bestie, mentre loro son donne e perciò bene istruite sulle belle, sottili e gioconde prerogative della superfetazione, come rispose Populonia, secondo che riferisce Macrobio nel terzo libro dei Saturnali.
Che se poi il diavolo opina che non debbano ingravidare bisognerà fare un nodo al cannello e chiudere il boccaglio.
CAPITOLO IV
Come Gargamella, essendo incinta di Gargantua, si fece una spanciata di trippe
Adesso vi dirò per che modo e in quali circostanze Gargamella partorì. E vi si sfondi il fondamento a voi se voi non crederete a me.
A lei il fondamento si sfondò un dopopranzo, il giorno 3 di febbraio a causa di un ingorgo di tripperesede, avendone mangiate di troppo. Le tripperesede sono trippe grasse di fartitauri. I fartitauri sono buoi ingrassati alla greppia e ai prati rimessiticci. I prati rimessiticci sono quelli che danno l'erba due volte l'anno.
Di questi grandi buoi ne avevano fatti ammazzare trecentosessantasettemila e quattordici per metterli sotto sale il martedì grasso, così da avere in aprile bue stagionato a cataste, onde commemorarne i salati con devozione al cominciare dei pasti e aprire meglio al vino.
In quella occasione, come potete immaginare, si ebbe un diluvio di trippe, e tanto saporite che ognuno se ne leccava le dita. Ma la vera diavoleria stava in questo, che non era possibile serbarle senza che andassero a male: cosa da non permettere in quanto sconveniente. Per cui fu deciso di sfanfanarsele tutte e che non un'oncia ne andasse perduta.
Per venirne a capo, convitarono tutti i cittadini di Sannais, Seuillé, Roche Clermaud, Vaugaudray, senza escludere quelli di Coudray Montpensier, del guado di Veda9 e altri del vicinato: tutti bevitori di rispetto e di buona compagnia, tutti bravi nel gioco del cavicchio.
L'ottimo Gargamagna se la godeva un mondo, e ordinò che la trippa venisse servita a bigonce. Alla moglie però raccomandava di mangiarne il meno possibile, visto che il suo tempo era vicino e che quella trippaglia non era cibo tanto commendevole: «Ha una gran voglia di mangiare merda colui» diceva, «che ne mangia il sacco». Ma, nonostante questi ammonimenti, lei ne mangiò sedici moggia, due bacili e sei pignatte. O la bella materia fecale che doveva fermentare in lei!
Dopo il pranzo tutti alla rinfusa se ne andarono al saliceto e là, sopra l'erba folta, danzarono al suono degli allegri pifferi e delle dolci cornamuse, tanto festosamente ch'era uno spasso celeste vederli giubilare così.
CAPITOLO V
I discorsi dei ben bevuti10
Poi convennero ch'era il caso di far merenda proprio là. E in men che non si dica fu tutto una va-e-vieni di bottiglie, un trottar di prosciutti, un volar di salsicce, un risuonar di bicchieri e di boccali.
«Tira!»
«Butta!»
«Versa!»
«Mescola!»
«A me senz'acqua, amico».
«Così!»
«Scolami questo, va'!»
«Avanti col chiaretto, e che pianga il bicchiere».
«Bando alla sete, perdio!»
«Prima a me che ho la febbre».
«In fede mia, comare, a me mi va di traverso».
«Siete raffreddata?»
«Ho paura di sì».
«Per santa Sorcola, parliamo del bere!»
«Io bevo alle mie ore come la mula del Papa»11.
«E io soltanto nel mio breviario»12.
«Chi venne prima, il bere o la sete?»
«Se andiamo al tempo dell'innocenza, io dico la sete».
«Il bere, il bere. Imperocché privatio presupponit habitum. Lo so perché ho studiato teologia. Foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum?»13
«Il bere, il bere: qui tutti innocenti, nessuno ha sete, e tutti mandano giù».
«No no. Io da povero peccatore, mai senza sete. Se non presente, almeno futura. Diciamo che la prevengo».
«Io invece l'anticipo».
«Io la precorro».
«Io la presagisco».
«Io la preconosco».
«Io la prestabilisco».
«Io bevo alla sete a venire, bevo in eterno e mi eterno nel bere, Toh!»
«Cantiamo, beviamo, un mottetto intoniamo».
«Non posso, ho perso l'imbuto».
«E io? Devo bere per procura, io?»
«Ti bagni per asciugarti o ti asciughi per bagnarti?»
«Ah, io non so di teoria, però mi tengo su con la pratica».
«Io mi bagno, mi aspergo, mi umetto, mi infradicio. Tutto per paura di morire. Maledizione!»
«Panacea infallibile. Mai visto morto che beve. Bevete sempre e non morrete mai».
«Io se non bevo mi secco e sono bell'e morto: perché l'anima in secco non può stare, proprio non ce la fa. Anima certe, quia spiritus est, in sicco habitare non potest. Non è così reverendo?»
«A me mi par già di vedere la mia anima che va a buttarsi in uno stagno per paura della siccità. Poi chi la pesca più fra le ranocchie?»
«Presto, ragazzo. Non vedi che piange?»
«Oh il divino coppiere, principio e fine di ogni mutamento. Tu sei per certo colui che elargisce agli umani forme novelle. Mi riempi il bicchiere ed ecco che da sobrio divento uno che beve».
«Non fatemi allungare il collo, perdio, che mi si spacca il pettorale».
«Chissà quanti dovrò tirarne dentro prima che venga fuori questo».
«I nostri padri bevevan come ghiozzi, e alla fine vuotarono anche i pozzi».
«E io che ho un vaso al posto del naso?»
«Dì come bevi e ti dirò chi sei».
«Io bevo come un templare».
«Io tamquam sponsus».
«Io sicut terra sine aqua».
«Io come una balena».
«Io come due».
«Se la carta delle mie cedole bevesse così bene come me, vorrei vedere la faccia dei miei creditori al momento di produrre il titolo».
«Un sinonimo di prosciutto?»
«È una decretale di pisciate lunghe».
«Ben detto. Questo qui va a lavare le trippe. C'è niente da mandare al fiume?»
«Da bere, da bere. C'è ancora posto. Respice personam; pone pro duos; bus14 non est in usu».
«Se io salissi così bene come tiro giù, davvero che sarei altolocato.
Così Giacomo Cueur divenne ricco,
così il deserto divenne men secco,
così Bacco ebbe l'India in signoria,
così Melinda la Filosofia».
«Ma se il mio arnese pisciasse un liquore come questo, lo succhieresti te?»
«Ci penserò».
«Io mi prenoto».
«Io una volta bevevo tutto, adesso invece lo stesso».
«A me quel prosciutto!»
«Calma, signori, calma, che qui dobbiamo fare piazza pulita: è questione di economia».
«Avanti con le trippe. Trippe per tutte le ore canoniche: trippe leggere da mattutino, trippe da nona, da vespero, trippe da compieta, ghiottissime, di vitello biondo pezzato. Date fondo, perdio!»
«Ecco il furetto per le budella. Vedrai che ti stana la sete da tutti i buchi».
«Questo a me me la frusta bene».
«Questo me l'ammazza addirittura».
«Il gran Dio fece i pianeti. Noi facciamo i piatti netti. Questa sì che è buona!»
«Bevi Gervaso, ce n'è ancora un vaso!»
«Io sto con la parola del Signore: Sitio!»
«A questo gioco non si può volare. Più alzi il gomito, più vai giù di testa».
«Io casco addirittura da cavallo. Non sarò mica sulla via di Damasco?»
«La la la, tracannato è questo qua».
«Oh lacrima Cristi!»
«Oh il gentil vino bianco!»
«Ex hoc in hoc. Il vino è la sostanza, il bicchiere la forma...»
«E la sbornia è la ragion sufficiente».
«Ecco fatto: siamo arrivati».
«Chi dorme là? Costui per certo è posseduto dal maligno. Sia inquisito chi dorme».
«Nunc est bibendum, nunc lede pibero, tulsanda pellus15. Che sbornia, ragazzi!»
«Guarda qua: non ci beve più nemmeno una mosca. Vorrei proprio sapere com'è che il vino in sé diventa vino in me».
«Bevi».
«Lecca».
«Tracanna».
«Alla villana».
«Alla cortigiana».
«Alla fratesca».
«Alla cardinalesca».
«All'arcidiacona».
«Alla papalina».
«Natura abhorret vacuum».
«Manda giù che ti fa bene: è erba!»
CAPITOLO VI
Come fu che Gargantua venne al mondo in modo molto strano
Mentre così continuava la chiacchiera sulle vaghezze del bere, Gargamella cominciò a sentirsi male di sotto, per cui Gargamagna, pensando che fossero i dolori del parto, le si fece accanto e prese a consolarla pianamente. Così distesa sull'erba, nella frescura del saliceto, le diceva, avrebbe messo ben presto anche lei nuova foglia e dunque le conveniva prepararsi con coraggio a festeggiare l'avvento del rampollo. Perché se anche c'era da soffrirne un po', sarebbe stato un incomodo passeggero; mentre la gioia che tosto ne sarebbe seguita l'avrebbe sollevata d'ogni pena, tanto da cancellarne persino il ricordo16.
«Coraggio, pecorella spaventata» rideva lui, «scodellami alla svelta questo qui che presto presto ne facciamo un altro».
«Ah» replicava lei, «fate presto a parlare voialtri uomini. Vi fa comodo, a voi. Perdio che mi sforzerò, giacché lo volete. Ma volesse il cielo che ve lo foste tagliato».
«Tagliato cosa?» disse Gargamagna.
«Non fatemi il minchione, adesso, che avete capito benissimo».
«Il mio membro? Sangue di una capra! Se vi sembra ben fatto, qua un coltello!»
«No no» disse lei, «Dio non voglia! Dio mi perdoni! Dicevo per dire. Se è per me, come non detto. Ma oggi, se Dio non mi aiuta, avrò un bel da fare, e tutto a causa di quel vostro accidente; già, perché vi desse soddisfazione».
«Coraggio, coraggio» concluse lui, «lasciate fare ai quattro buoi davanti e non datevi altro pensiero. Io intanto vado a farmi un altro sorsetto. Se vi sentiste male, sono qui a due passi. Datemi una voce così, con le mani alla bocca, e corro da voi».
Di lì a poco ella cominciò a sospirare, a lamentarsi, a gemere. Subito accorsero in folla le comari da tutte le parti, e trovando, nel tastarla sotto, alcuni brandelli di fetidissima pelle, pensarono che fosse il marmocchio in arrivo. Invece era il fondamento che le si sfaldava a causa del rammollimento dell'intestino retto – quello che voi chiamate budello culare – per via della gran trippa che aveva insaccato, come già abbiamo detto.
Per cui una vecchia gualercia della compagnia, venuta sessant'anni prima da Battipaglia presso San Ginocchio e in fama di gran medichessa, le ammannì un astringitivo tanto scellerato che tutti gli sfinteri le rimasero chiusi; e così stretti da poterli a malapena allargare coi denti: cosa orribile a pensarsi, come il diavolo alla messa di San Martino, quando, per allungare la pergamena su cui andava scrivendo di nascosto le chiacchiere di due comari, dovette mettersi anche lui a tirarla con i suoi denti di diavolo.
Per tale inconveniente, i cotiledoni della matrice si allentarono in alto e il bambino ne approfittò per infilarsi d'un balzo nella vena cava; di qui arrancando attraverso il diaframma fin sopra alle spalle, ove codesta vena si biforca, prese il cammino a manca e se ne uscì per l'orecchia sinistra.
Subito che fu al mondo, non si mise a frignare come gli altri bambini «mee mee», bensì a gridare «Da bere! Da bere! Da bere!» come chiamando tutti a far bisboccia con lui; e con voce così forte che fu udito da tutta la gente del paese, da Beusse a Bibaroys.
Io dubito che voi non crediate per niente a questa strana natività. Se non ci credete a me proprio non me ne importa, ma l'uomo dabbene, l'uomo di buoni sentimenti crede sempre ciò che gli vien detto e ch'egli trova scritto. Non dice forse Salomone, Proverbiorum XIV: Innocens credit omni verbo? e San Paolo, I, ad Corinthos: Charitas omnia credit?; d'altronde, perché non lo credereste voi? «Perché» dite, «non vi è alcuna verisimiglianza». E allora io dico che per questo appunto lo dovete credere in piena fede: giacché i dottori della Sorbona dicono che la fede è argomento delle cose inverosimili. E poi è forse contrario alla nostra legge, alla nostra fede, o alla ragione, o alla sacra scrittura? Per parte mia, nella santa Bibbia, non trovo scritto niente in contrario. E del resto, se Dio l'avesse voluto, osereste voi argomentare che non avrebbe potuto? Ma date retta: non state a incirignoccolarvi il cervello con simili pensieri senza costrutto, perché in verità vi dico che nulla è impossibile a Dio e che, se lui lo volesse, tutte le donne d'ora in avanti sgraverebbero dalle orecchie.
Forse che Bacco non fu generato dalla coscia di Giove, Roccatagliata dal calcagno di sua madre, Sgranocchiamosche dalla ciabatta della nutrice, Minerva dal cervello di Giove (passando per un'orecchia), Adone dalla scorza di un albero di mirra, Castore e Polluce dalla coccia di un uovo fatto e covato da Leda?
Ma voi sareste ben più meravigliati e sbigottiti se io vi esponessi qui tutto il capitolo di Plinio, là dove si parla di nascimenti strani e contro natura; eppure io non sono nemmeno alla lontana un impostore sfacciato come lui. Leggetevi il settimo libro della sua Storia Naturale, capitolo III, e finitela di rompermi il cazzo.
CAPITOLO VII
Come Gargantua ebbe nome e battesimo e come lui ci beveva sopra
Quel buon diavolo di Gargamagna era dunque tornato a far ribotta con gli amici sul prato, quando, fra una bevuta e l'altra, udì l'orrendo bramito del figlio entrato appena nella luce del mondo. «Da bere, da bere, da bere!» rugghiava il fantolino. Per cui il padre, ammirato esclamò: «Que grand tu as!». E intendeva le canne della gola.
Udito questo, gli astanti convennero nel dire che, veramente, a imitazione e sull'esempio degli antichi Ebrei spettava al pargolo il nome di Gargantua, tali essendo state al suo apparire le parole prime del padre. Sulla qual cosa il genitore fu d'accordo e anche la madre ne gioì. Poi, per tenerlo buono, lo ingozzarono di vino fino agli occhi e lo condussero alla fonte perché vi fosse battezzato, come è costume dei buoni cristiani.
Per il normale allattamento gli furono assegnate diciassettemilanovecentotredici vacche di Pautille e di Brehemond, non trovandosi in tutta la contrada una nutrice adatta, considerato il gran fiume di latte necessario per tenerlo su; anche se alcuni dottori scotisti sostengono che fosse la madre stessa ad allattarlo, fornendo di sue poppe millequattrocento e due botti di latte a ciucciata; proposizione, oltre che inverosimile, mammellarmente scandalosa, offensiva di ogni orecchio timorato ed esalante puzza di eresia lontano un miglio.
Trascorse così un anno e dieci mesi, ed a quel tempo, per consiglio dei medici, si cominciò a menarlo a spasso, e fu inventata e costruita apposta una bella carretta a buoi, opera insigne di Giovanni Denyau. Lo scarrozzavano con quella allegramente di qua e di là. E che la cosa gli andasse a sangue si vedeva ben chiaro, perché era sempre di buona cera e sotto il primo mento ne portava all'incirca altri diciotto. Non piangeva quasi mai, ma si smerdava sotto ogni momento perché era meravigliosamente flemmatico di chiappe, sia per costituzione sua naturale, sia per disposizione avventizia, ingenerata in lui dal troppo mandar giù di mosti settembrini. Né mai beveva goccia senza ragione. Infatti, se gli accadeva di essere stizzito, ingrugnato, offeso e contrariato, se pestava i piedi, piangeva o strillava, ecco che a dargli da bere rientrava tosto nella propria indole e se ne stava quieto e giulivo.
Una delle sue governanti mi ha detto, sacramentando sulla sua parpagnacca, ch'egli si era tanto bene accostumato a una tal pratica, che al suono dei boccali e delle pinte diveniva estatico, come gustasse le gioie del paradiso. Tanto che loro, considerando divina quella sua inclinazione, al mattino, per infondergli allegria, percotendo bicchieri con coltelli, bottiglie con i tappi, pinte con i coperchi, gli facevano intorno una musica al cui suono egli si esilarava tutto, strasecolava addirittura, si cullava da sé dimenando la testa, suonando il monocordo con le dita e baritonando di culo.
CAPITOLO VIII
Come Gargantua fu vestito
Fu giusto a quell'età che suo padre ordinò di apprestargli una divisa conforme ai suoi colori ch'erano il bianco e il blu.
Subito vi si pose mano e il tutto fu tagliato, cucito e rifinito secondo la moda di allora. Nei vecchi scartafacci della Camera dei Conti di Montsoreau, leggo che Gargantua fu vestito nel modo seguente.
Per la camicia, furono impiegate novecento aune17 di tela di Chastelraud e duecento per i quadratini di rinforzo sotto le ascelle. E notate che la camicia non era pieghettata, perché la pieghettatura delle camicie non è stata inventata se non dopo che le camiciaie, essendosi rotta la punta dell'ago, cominciarono a lavorare di cruna18.
Per il farsetto, ci vollero ottocentotredici aune di raso bianco e, per le stringhe, millecinquecentonove pelli di cane e mezzo. Cominciò allora l'usanza di attaccare le brache al farsetto e non il farsetto alle brache, che è cosa contro natura come ampiamente dimostrato da Occam negli Esponibilia di Messer Bragalunga.
Per le braghe occorsero millecinquecento aune e un terzo di stamigna bianca, tagliata a bande, striata e scanalata sul didietro perché non ne venisse troppo calore alle reni; e, a sbuffi, tra banda e banda, un sottopanno di damasco azzurro nella giusta misura. E notate ch'egli aveva gambe molto belle e ben proporzionate alla sua complessione.
Per la braghetta, furono impiegate sedici aune e un quarto del medesimo panno. Ben modellata sì da somigliare a un arco di sostegno, era tenuta su da due belle fibbie in oro con fermagli di smalto, in ciascuno dei quali brillava incastonato uno smeraldo più grosso di una melarancia. Poiché (come dice Orfeo, libro De Lapidibus, e Plinio, libro ultimo) questa pietra ha virtù erettive e confortative del membro naturale.
La prominenza della braghetta – a frappe e con gli sbuffi di damasco blu come le brache – misurava una canna19. Ma al vedere quei bei ricami di canutiglia e i deliziosi intrecci di oreficeria ornati di fini diamanti, fini rubini, fini turchesi, fini smeraldi e grosse perle d'oriente, voi l'avreste paragonata a una bella cornucopia come se ne trovano fra le anticaglie; bella vi dico come quella donata da Rhea alla ninfe Ida e Adrastea, nutrici di Giove: sempre leggiadra, doviziosa, rorida, sempre verdeggiante, sempre fiorita, sempre fruttificante, piena di umori, di fiori, di frutti, ricolma d'ogni delizia. E gloria a Dio se non faceva un bellissimo vedere. Ma tornerò a parlarvene ben più distesamente nel mio trattato su La Dignità delle Braghette. Di questo però vi avverto, che per larga e lunga che fosse, era egualmente ben guarnita dentro e ben provveduta; per nulla somigliante cioè alle braghette menzognere di tanti vagheggini che, a tutto discapito del sesso femminino, sono piene di vento.
Per le scarpe furono impiegate quattrocentosedici aune di velluto azzurro vivo, vezzosamente ritagliate in bande parallele e congiunte in cilindri uniformi. E, per le suole, mille e cento pelli di vacca bruna, sagomate a coda di merluzzo.
Per la tunica ci vollero milleottocento aune di velluto azzurro cangiante, ricamato all'intorno di bei pampini con in mezzo pinte d'argento in canutiglia e un intreccio di verghe d'oro con grossissime perle; e ciò a significare ch'egli sarebbe diventato a suo tempo un valoroso scolafiasche.
La cintura fu di trecento aune e mezzo di rascia di seta, metà bianca e metà azzurra, salvo che non mi abbiano infinocchiato.
La sua spada non fu di Valenza, né il suo pugnale di Saragozza, perché suo padre non poteva soffrire tutti quegli hidalghi ubriaconi, marrani più marrani del diavolo. Gli fu data invece una bella spada di legno e un pugnale di cuoio bollito, dipinti e indorati come ognuno li vorrebbe per sé.
La sua borsa fu ricavata dalla coglia di un elefante donatogli da Her Pracontal, proconsole di Libia.
Per la sua veste furono impiegate novemilaseicento aune meno due terzi di velluto blu, come sopra, tutto filettato d'oro in diagonale, per cui, alla giusta luce, ne appariva un colore indefinibile, quale si può vedere nel collo delle tortorelle, e tale da allietare meravigliosamente la vista degli astanti.
Per il berretto furono impiegate trecentodue aune e un quarto di velluto bianco e gli fu data forma rotonda ed ampia conforme la misura del capo, perché suo padre diceva che quei berretti alla marrana fatti a guisa di crosta di un tortino sono di malaugurio per le teste rapate su cui stanno.
Come pennacchio portava, bellissima, una gran penna blu di onocrotalo delle selvagge terre d'Ircania, che gli pendeva sull'orecchia destra con molta grazia.
Come insegna, su una targhetta d'oro del peso di sessanta libbre, recava uno smalto grande in proporzione, raffigurante un corpo umano con due teste fronte a fronte, quattro braccia, quattro piedi e due culi, così come dice Platone essere stata l'umana natura al suo mistico cominciamento (Simposio, 189 e); e intorno, in caratteri ionici vi si leggeva: ἀγάπη οὐ ζητει τά ἑαυτῆς20.
Da mettere al collo gli diedero una catena d'oro del peso di venticinquemila e sessantatre libbre, formata a grandi bacche con grossi diaspri verdi fra l'una e l'altra, intagliati e scolpiti a forma di dragoni e contornati di raggi e barbagli come quelli che un tempo portava re Nekhepso. Questa collana poi gli scendeva fino alla bocca dello stomaco, e gliene venne tutta la vita quel gran giovamento che i medici greci ben sanno21.
Per i suoi guanti furono lavorate sedici pelli di folletto più tre di lupo mannaro per le guarnizioni; e ciò su prescrizione dei cabalisti di Saint-Louand22.
Quanto agli anelli impostigli dal padre per rinverdire i segni di un'antica nobiltà, Gargantua ne ebbe tre: al dito indice della mano sinistra, un carbonchio grosso come un uovo di struzzo, incastonato in oro zecchino in modo delizioso; all'anulare della stessa mano un anello composto dei quattro metalli23 combinati con arte mai vista, in modo che l'acciaio non offendesse l'oro e l'argento non si mischiasse al rame: il tutto ad opera di Capitan Chappuys, nonché di Alcofribas suo braccio destro; e all'anulare della mano destra, un anello fatto a spirale con suvvi incastonato un balascio perfetto, un diamante a cuspide e uno smeraldo del Phison24 di prezzo inestimabile; tanto vero che Hans Carvel, gran lapidario del re di Melinda, li stimava sessantanove milioni e ottocentonovantaquattromila e diciotto montoni di gran lana25, e altrettanto li stimarono i Fourques della Banca di Augusta26.
CAPITOLO IX
I colori di Gargantua
I colori di Gargantua furono, come già sapete, il bianco e il blu, e con essi suo padre volle far sapere al mondo che questo suo figlio era una gioia celeste. Perché il bianco per lui significava gioia, piacere, delizia, ed esultanza, e il blu cose celesti.
Mi rendo ben conto che a queste parole vi riderete di me come di un vecchio beone, stimando impropria e grossolana questa spiegazione dei colori; e direte che il bianco simboleggia le fede e il blu la fermezza. Ma, senza indignarvi, corrucciarvi, alterarvi o pigliarvela calda (che è pericoloso col tempo che fa), rispondetemi, se vi pare. Non pretendo niente di più né da voi né da chiunque altro; ma lasciate che vi dica due parole sul vino di questa bottiglia.
Chi vi ispira? Chi vi stuzzica? Chi è che vi dice che il bianco esprime la fede e il blu la fermezza? Un libro, mi direte. Sì, un libro da quattro baiocchi, di quelli che si vendono da facchini e zanaioli, intitolato Il Blasone dei Colori. Chi l'ha scritto? Chiunque egli sia, in questo è stato accorto, che non vi ha messo sopra il suo nome27. Per il resto io non so se ammirare di più la sua oltracotanza o la sua bestialità.
L'oltracotanza perché, a suo capriccio, senza motivo reale né apparente, ha osato stabilire quali cose i colori dovrebbero denotare: che è l'abitudine dei tiranni, per i quali l'arbitrio tien luogo di ragione, e non dei saggi e dei filosofi che, con spiegazioni evidenti, fan persuasi i lettori.
La bestialità, perché ha creduto che, senza alcuna dimostrazione né valido argomento, tutti al mondo avrebbero conformato le loro divise alle sue prescrizioni balorde.
Ma, come dice il proverbio, che a cul che sbroda non manca mai merda, anche lui ha trovato alcuni allocchi superstiti del tempo degli asini volanti che l'hanno preso sul serio, e improntando al suo dire motti e apoftegmi, hanno incavezzato le loro mule, vestiti i loro paggi, inquartate le brache, ricamati i guanti, infiocchettati i letti, dipinte le insegne e composte canzoni secondo i suoi dettami; e, quel che è peggio, hanno tramato inganni e colpi bassi a disdoro delle pudiche matrone28.
Nella stessa caligine sono avvolti quei gonfiagote di corte e dispensieri di significati i quali, volendo nelle loro assise simboleggiare la speranza, vi fan ritrarre una spera, o una luna bicorne per vivere crescendo, una panca a pezzi per bancarotta, un co e un raggio per dire coraggio, un mento fra due 'di' per tradimento: bisticci, questi, tanto goffi, melensi, rozzi e barbarici, che io propongo di attaccare una coda di volpe al bavero e fare una maschera di merda di vacca a chiunque d'ora in avanti non si periti di farne uso in Francia dopo la restituzione delle buone lettere.
Per la medesima ragione (se ragione può dirsi e non farnetico) io dovrei fregiarmi di un paniere per dire che sono nelle panie, di un mestolo perché sono mesto, di un bilancino perché mi pesano i coglioni, di un canonico perché ce l'ho che somiglia a un cannone, di un Cardinale perché è rosso, di un tamburo perché è teso, di un'incudine perché è duro, di una spola perché va su e giù (a perenne conforto dell'amica mia) nonché di un mantice per le scoregge che gli battono il tempo.
Ben diversamente facevano i savi dell'antico Egitto quando scrivevano in lettere chiamate geroglifici, dove nessuno capiva che non intendesse, ed ognuno capiva che intendesse, le virtù, le proprietà, la natura delle cose raffigurate; sulle quali Oro Apollonio ha scritto due libri in greco e Polifilo il suo Sogno d'Amore che ne spiega ancora più29.
In Francia si può averne un'idea dalla divisa di sua signoria l'Ammiraglio30 che fu primieramente di Ottaviano Augusto.
Ma la mia barca non vuol più far vela fra gorghi e bassifondi così poco accoglienti; e ritorno agli approdi donde sono partito. Ma spero, un giorno o l'altro di poterne scrivere più distesamente e di poter dimostrare, sia a rigore di ragion filosofica, sia per testimonianze accolte e condivise da tutta l'antichità, quali e quanti colori vi siano in natura e che cosa può essere designato da ciascuno di essi – sempreché Dio mi conservi la forma del berretto, ovverosia la brocca del vino, come diceva mia nonna.
CAPITOLO X
Sopra i significati del bianco e del blu
Il bianco dunque significa gioia, sollazzo, felicità, e non a torto, ma a buon diritto e a giusto titolo, come voi potrete verificare se, messi da parte i vostri preconcetti, vorrete porgere orecchio a quanto vi esporrò.
Aristotele dice che, supposte due cose contrarie nella loro specie come bene e male, virtù e vizio, freddo e caldo, bianco e nero, voluttà e dolore, esultanza e cordoglio, e così via, se voi le accoppiate in modo che il contrario di una specie si accordi ragionevolmente con il contrario di un'altra, ne segue che i due contrari rimanenti si accorderanno fra loro. Esempio: Virtù e vizio sono contrari in una specie e del pari lo sono bene e male; se uno dei contrari della prima si accorda con uno della seconda, come virtù e bene – poiché è certo che la virtù è cosa buona – altrettanto avverrà degli altri due che sono il male e il vizio, poiché il vizio è certamente cosa cattiva.
Intesa questa regola loicale, prendete due contrari come gioia e tristezza, poi altri due come bianco e nero che sono contrari fisicamente. Se dunque è vero che nero vuol dire lutto, a buon diritto il bianco vorrà dire allegrezza. Né un tale significato è stato istituito per imposizione di alcuno, bensì riconosciuto dal consenso di tutti: quello che i filosofi chiamano jus gentium, diritto universale, valevole per ogni contrada.
Ben sapete infatti che presso tutti i popoli, presso tutte le nazioni (eccezion fatta per gli antichi Siracusani e per certi Argivi con l'anima di traverso), presso tutte le genti di qualsiasi lingua, chi voglia significare per segni esteriori il proprio cordoglio indossa l'abito nero e ogni lutto si manifesta con questo colore. Di un così universale consenso si danno in natura argomenti e ragioni che ciascuno può intendere immediatamente da sé, senza che altri lo istruisca; ed è questo che noi chiamiamo diritto naturale.
Così anche, nel bianco tutti hanno sempre ravvisato per naturale inclinazione il segno della gioia, della consolazione, dello svago, della dolcezza, del godimento.
Nei tempi andati i Traci e i Cretesi annotavano i giorni fausti e sereni con sassolini bianchi e quelli tristi ed infausti con sassolini neri.
La notte non è essa funesta, triste, malinconiosa? La luce non letifica essa tutta la natura? E non è essa bianca più di ogni altra cosa? A riprova potrei rinviarvi al libro di Lorenzo Valla contro il Bartolo; ma la testimonianza evangelica credo che vi basterà. Nel Vangelo di Matteo (XVII) è detto che alla trasfigurazione di Nostro Signore vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux, le sue vesti si fecero bianche come la luce, per il quale biancore luminoso il Signore voleva significare ai suoi tre apostoli l'idea e l'immagine delle gioie eterne. Perché tutti gli umani son rallegrati dalla luce. Come la vecchia stravecchia di cui si racconta che non aveva più un dente in bocca eppure continuava a esclamare Bona lux31. Tobia allorché fu cieco, a Raffaele che lo salutava rispose: «Quale gioia potrò mai avere io che non vedo la luce del cielo?». E con qual colore se non con il bianco delle loro vesti gli angeli testimoniarono la gioia di tutto l'universo alla Resurrezione del Salvatore (Giovanni, XX) e alla sua Ascensione (Atti degli Apostoli, I)? Così Giovanni Evangelista (Apocalisse, VI e VII) vide biancovestiti i fedeli nella celeste e beatifica Gerusalemme.
Leggete le antiche istorie, sia greche sia romane.
Troverete che la città di Alba, primo modello di Roma, fu costruita e così denominata in seguito per il ritrovamento di una scrofa bianca.
Troverete che quando a un vincitore del nemico in guerra veniva decretata l'ovazione o l'ingresso trionfale in Roma, questi vi entrava su di un cocchio tirato da cavalli bianchi; poiché nessun altro segno o colore poteva esprimere più chiaramente l'esultanza per il suo ritorno.
Troverete che Pericle, duce degli Ateniesi, scelse fra i suoi soldati quelli cui eran toccate in sorte le fave bianche perché si dessero bel tempo tutto il giorno mentre quegli altri andavano in battaglia.
Mille altri passi e chiarissimi esempi potrei citarvi a questo proposito, se non fosse che intendo parlar d'altro. Ma già ragionando su quel poco che vi ho detto, voi potrete risolvere un problema che Alessandro di Afrodisia reputava insolubile: «Perché mai il leone che con il suo grido, con il solo suo ruggito spaventa tutti gli animali, teme e rispetta il gallo bianco?».
Perché come dice Proclo nel De Sacrificio et Magia, la presenza della virtù del sole, che è organo e paradigma di ogni luce terrestre e siderale, sia per il colore, sia per le sue proprietà e per il suo ordine specifico, si riflette e identifica nel gallo bianco più che nel leone. E dice inoltre che spesso si son visti diavoli in forma di leone che, in presenza di un gallo bianco, si sono d'un subito dileguati.
È per questa ragione che i Galli (che sono poi i francesi, così chiamati per il loro essere bianchi come il latte, o γάλα come dicono i Greci) amano adornare con piume bianche i loro berretti. E infatti essi, per natura, sono allegri, candidi, cortesi e beneamati, ed hanno per insegna il giglio che è il fiore più bianco di tutti.
Se poi mi domandate come mai la natura ci induca a ravvisare nel bianco letizia e felicità, io vi rispondo che questo accade in virtù di analogia e conformità. Perché, come bianco esteriormente scompone e disperde la vista, dissolvendo manifestamente gli spiriti visivi e prospettivi (e non solo lo dice Aristotele nei suoi Problemi, ma voi stessi potete provarlo quando andate per monti coperti di neve, tanto che vi lagnate di non poter usare la vista, proprio come Senofonte racconta che avvenne ai suoi soldati e come spiega ampiamente Galeno, lib. X, De usu partium), del pari, internamente, il cuore, per un eccesso di felicità, si dilacera e patisce una manifesta dissoluzione degli spiriti vitali, che può giungere a tal segno da lasciarlo privo del suo sostentamento. Di conseguenza la vita può estinguersi a causa di una gioia insostenibile, come dice Galeno (lib. XII, Method., lib. V, De locis affectis, e lib. II, De symptomaton causis) e come accadde nei tempi antichi a Diagora Rodiense, a Chilone, a Sofocle, a Dionigi tiranno di Sicilia, a Filippide, Filemone, Policrate, Filistione, Marco Juvenzio e altri, che tutti morirono di gioia. E ne fanno testimonianza: Marco Tullio (lib. I, Quaestionum Tusc.), Verrio, Aristotele, Tito Livio (dove tratta della battaglia di Canne32, Plinio (lib. VII, cap. XXXII e LIII), Aulo Gellio (lib. III, 15) e altri.
Lo stesso dice Avicenna (in II, Canone e lib. De Viribus Cordis) a proposito dello zafferano, che, preso in dosi eccessive, rallegra tanto il cuore che lo uccide per discomposizione e dilatazione soverchia. Al riguardo vedete anche Alessandro d'Afrodisia, lib. I, Problematum, cap. XIX: come dovevasi dimostrare.
Ma basta di ciò, che già mi sono addentrato in questa materia molto più che non mi fossi proposto da principio. Qui dunque ammaino la mia vela, serbando il rimanente per un altro libro che tratterà la questione in modo del tutto esauriente. E chiuderò in due parole affermando che l'azzurro vuol dire indubbiamente cielo e cose celesti per le stesse ragioni per le quali il bianco vuol dire gioia e piacere.
CAPITOLO XI
L'adolescenza di Gargantua
Dai tre ai cinque anni Gargantua fu allevato e istruito in ogni acconcia disciplina per espressa volontà del padre, e passava il suo tempo a bere, mangiare e dormire, mangiare, dormire e bere, dormire, bere e mangiare, come gli altri bambini del paese.
Si voltolava sempre nelle pozze, s'incarbonava il naso, s'impiastricciava la faccia, scalcagnava le scarpe, sbadigliava alle mosche, inseguiva i parpaglioni (di cui suo padre aveva l'imperio), si pisciava nelle scarpe, faceva la cacca nella camicia, si puliva il naso con le maniche, smoccicava dentro la zuppa, pasticciava dappertutto, beveva nella pantofola, si aguzzava i denti negli zoccoli, si lavava nel brodo, si pettinava col bicchiere, si grattava col paniere, spegneva il fuoco con la stoppa, beveva fischiando, mangiava la mostarda senza pane, mordeva ridendo, rideva morsicando, sputava nel piatto, spetazzava di grasso, pisciava contro il sole, fuggiva l'acqua sotto le grondaie, pigliava lucciole per lanterne, faceva lo smorfioso, sbruffava, sbofonchiava, faceva le boccacce, tornava a bomba, faceva i maialini, mulinava a vanvera, menava il can per l'aia, sputava contro vento, batteva il cane per il padrone, menava il carro avanti ai buoi, abbracciava troppo e non stringeva nulla, teneva due piedi in una staffa, mangiava il grano in erba, metteva i ferri alle cicale, si faceva il solletico per farsi ridere da sé, menava stragi in cucina, lavava la testa all'asino, rideva agli angeli, faceva cantare il Magnificat al mattino perché diceva che andava bene così, mangiava cavoli e cacava porri, aveva tempo e lo aspettava, distingueva le starne dagli storni, strappava i piedi alle mosche, faceva i buchi senza le ciambelle, metteva le ali ai piedi, tirava alle botte, faceva i conti senza l'oste, scambiava nuvole per padelle e vesciche per lampioni, accorciava le gambe alle bugie, faceva l'asino per aver la crusca, curava la tosse alle pulci, vuotava lo staio chicco a chicco, a caval donato guardava sempre in bocca, saltava di palo in frasca, metteva le mele marce con le buone, faceva di ogni erba un fascio, cavava un chiodo e metteva un cavicchio, difendeva la luna dai lupi, cacciava i topi per far ballare i gatti, andava per acqua col crivello, credeva che le allodole piovessero già cotte, faceva il pane con la zuppa, vomitava ogni mattina, i cagnolini di suo padre mangiavano nella sua scodella e lui mangiava con loro; lui mordeva loro le orecchie e loro gli graffiavano il naso; lui gli soffiava in culo e loro gli leccavano il grugno.
Ma volete saperla tutta, che il vino vi strangoli? Questo piccolo puttaniere si dava un gran da fare a stazzonare le sue governanti, di su di giù, davanti e didietro, come viene viene e sotto a chi tocca, che già cominciava a lavorar di braghetta. E loro ogni giorno glielo adornavano di bei mazzolini, di bei nastri, fiori e fiocchi; passavano il tempo a farlo rinvenire fra le mani come un maddaleone da impiastri e quando drizzava le orecchie si scompisciavano dal ridere come se il gioco le divertisse moltissimo.
Una lo chiamava mio zipolo, un'altra mia pannocchia, un'altra mio rametto di corallo, un'altra mio turacciolo, un'altra mio scovoletto,
– mio salamino rosso
– mio nottolino dell'uscio di sotto
– mio pezzo da battaglia
– mio ciondolo
– mio dondolo
– mio pendaglio da forca
– mio battaglio da sorca
– mio rizza-rizza
– mio lecca-lecca
– mio gallo della checca
– mio rocchio di salsiccia
– mia piccola coglia primaticcia
«È mio» diceva una.
«Ma no che è mio» diceva un'altra.
«E a me?» diceva una terza. «A me niente? Ma io glielo taglio».
«Tagliarlo! Ma gli fareste male! Cattivona che non siete altro, tagliare il coso ai bambini! Non vogliamo mica farne un messer Senzacoda, eh!»
Poi per farlo giocare come gli altri monelli del paese, gli fecero un bel mulinello con le ali di un mulino a vento di Myrebalays.
CAPITOLO XII
I cavallucci di legno di Gargantua
Poi, perché diventasse buon cavaliere per tutta la vita, gli fecero un bel cavallo di legno che lui faceva caracollare, impennare, saltare, volteggiare, scalciare e danzare tutto insieme; e andare al passo, al trotto, al trapasso, al galoppo, all'ambio, alla scozzese, alla camellesca, all'ogranesca; e gli faceva cambiare di mantello come i frati cambiano la dalmatica secondo la festa: dal baio scuro all'alezano, al grigio, al pomellato, al topino, al cervino, al roano, al bovino, allo zebrato, allo screziato, al punteggiato, al bianco.
Lui stesso, da una grossa treggia, ricavò un cavallo da caccia; un altro per tutti i giorni da un albero da frantoio, e, da una grande quercia, una mula da camera con gualdrappa. Inoltre ne aveva dieci o dodici di ricambio e sette per la posta, e tutti li teneva a dormire accanto a sé.
Un giorno venne a far visita a suo padre il signor di Paningerla con grande seguito e grandissima pompa, e si diede il caso che anche il duca di Cenafranca e il conte Mangiavento capitassero lì lo stesso giorno.
Con tanta gente, non fa meraviglia che gli alloggiamenti risultassero un po' stretti, specie le scuderie. Per cui il maggiordomo ed il furiere del signor di Paningerla si rivolsero a Gargantua ch'era appena un ragazzetto (perché loro pensavano che i bambini se la godono a spifferare tutto) e gli chiesero dove fossero le stalle dei cavalli da caccia.
Lui allora li condusse su per gli scaloni del castello. Attraversarono la seconda sala, percorsero una lunghissima galleria che conduceva ad un torrione e qui ripresero a salire.
«Questo ragazzo si burla di noi» disse il furiere. «Una stalla in cima a una torre! Non si è mai vista una cosa simile».
«V'ingannate» rispose il maggiordomo. «Io conosco castelli a Lione, a la Baumette, a Chinon, dove le stalle si trovano appunto ai piani più alti. Vedrete che sul didietro ci sarà un'uscita verso il montatoio». Ma gli rimase un dubbio.
«Di' un po', caruccio, dove ci porti?»
«Alla stalla dei miei cavalli da caccia» rispose Gargantua. «Ancora quattro scalini e ci siamo».
Finalmente, attraversato un altro salone, li condusse alla sua stanza.
«Ecco la stalla che cercate» disse Gargantua tirando a sé la porta. «Questo è il mio ginnetto, questo è il mio cavallino ungherese, questo è il guascone e questo è l'ambio». Poi, caricandoli di un grosso architrave, soggiunse: «Questo ve lo regalo. È il mio frisone. L'ho fatto venire da Francoforte, ma sarà vostro. È un buon cavallino e non è mai stanco. Con un astore terzuolo33, mezza dozzina di cani di Spagna e un paio di levrieri, non c'è pernice né lepre che vi scappi per tutto l'inverno».
«Siamo a posto!» esclamarono i due. «Ci hai fatto proprio la barba di stoppa».
«Non è vero» protestò Gargantua. «Se mai di capecchio»34. Adesso ditemi voi che cosa convenisse di più a quei signori, se nascondersi per la vergogna o ridere per la burletta.
Se ne tornavano giù silenziosi e confusi, quando udirono di nuovo la voce di Gargantua:
«Non vorreste per caso un po' di tassi di cartabrezza?»
«Sì, ma che roba è?»
«Cinque stronzi per farvi una cavezza».
«Mi sbaglierò» disse il maggiordomo, «ma per oggi ci hai lardellati così bene che puoi metterci al fuoco senza padella e senza timore che l'arrosto bruci. Ah furfantello furfantello che ci hai presi nel bertovello! Sai cosa ti dico? Che un giorno o l'altro mi toccherà di vederti papa».
«Oh sì sì! Ma allora voi sarete un bel pappataccio e questo grazioso pappagallo sarà un bellissimo Pappalardo».
«Come no, come no?» disse il furiere.
«E adesso» disse Gargantua, «provate a indovinare quanti sono i punti d'ago della camicia di mia madre».
«Sedici» disse il furiere.
«Vi sbagliate. Perché ce n'è tanti davanti quanti di dietro. Si vede che li avete contati male, quella volta».
«Quella volta quando?»
«Quando col vostro naso per cannella e la vostra gola per imbuto, spillarono una botte di merda e la travasarono in un'altra perché non pigliasse lo spunto».
«Sangue del demonio!» esclamò il maggiordomo. «Questo sì che è un fior di burlone. Che Dio vi guardi la salute, signor chiacchierino, che la lingua non vi manca di certo».
Scendevano a gran passi e, giunti che furono sotto l'arco in fondo allo scalone, furiere e maggiordomo si ricordarono del grosso trave che ancora avevano in spalla e lo gettarono a terra.
«Bei cavalieri che siete!» esclamò Gargantua. «Che mandate al pascolo il vostro cortaldo proprio quando vi serve. E se doveste andare da qui a Cahusac, preferireste cavalcare un'oca o menare una troia al guinzaglio?»
«Io» disse il furiere, «preferirei da bere». E con questo entrarono nel salone da basso dov'era tutta la brigata; e, raccontando quello ch'era successo, li fecero ridere e ridere che parevano tanti calabroni.
CAPITOLO XIII
Come Gargamagna si accorse dell'ingegno meraviglioso di Gargantua dall'invenzione di un nettaculo
Sul finire dei cinque anni, Gargamagna, tornando dalla rotta inflitta ai Canariani, andò a trovare suo figlio Gargantua. E ne fu compiaciuto come poteva esserlo un simile padre alla vista di un simile figlio.
Naturalmente, prese a baciarlo e a vezzeggiarlo; lo interrogava con domande puerili su questo e su quello, e volle anche bere con lui e con le sue governanti, alle quali fra l'altro chiedeva con insistenza se lo avessero tenuto sempre pulito e fresco di biancheria.
«Quanto a questo» disse Gargantua, «potete stare tranquillo». E aggiunse di aver preso tali provvedimenti che in tutto il paese non poteva esservi un ragazzino più pulito di lui.
«Ah» disse Gargamagna. «Sentiamo, sentiamo».
«Io» disse Gargantua, «dopo lunghi e singolari esperimenti, ho scoperto un modo di pulirmi il culo che è di gran lunga il più signoresco, il più eccellente, il più spedito che si sia mai visto».
«Caspita! E quale?»
«Ve lo dico subito. Una volta mi pulii con il guardagote di una damigella, e lo trovai buono, perché la morbidezza di quella seta mi procurava al fondamento un piacere da matti.
«Un'altra volta con un suo cappuccio, e fu lo stesso.
«Un'altra volta con una cuffietta di raso rosso; ma quell'intreccio di ricami di merda di palline dorate che c'era attaccato mi scorticò tutto il deretano – che il fuoco di Sant'Antonio incenerisca la canna delle scoregge dell'orefice che le fece e della damigella che le portava!
«Questo male mi passò forbendomi col berretto di un paggio bene impennacchiato alla svizzera.
«Poi, cacando dietro un cespuglio, trovai un gatto marzolino e mi pulii con quello, ma le sue unghie mi ulcerarono tutto il perineo.
«Ne guarii l'indomani pulendomi con i guanti di mia madre ben profumati all'acqua nanfanaria35.
«Poi mi nettai con la salvia, con il finocchio, con l'aneto, con la maggiorana, con le rose, con le foglie di zucca, di cavolo, di bietola, con i pampini, con la bismalva, con il tassobarbasso (che è il rossetto da culo), con la lattuga, con gli spinaci – e sempre me ne venne un gran bene al terzo piede. In seguito provai con la marcorella, la persicaria, l'ortica, la consolida, ma mi prese il cacasangue di Lombardia, del quale mi liberai nettandomi con la mia braghetta.
«Poi con le lenzuola, con la coltre, con le cortine, con gli origlieri, con un tappeto, con uno strofinaccio, una salvietta, un moccichino, un accappatoio. E sempre ne provai maggior piacere di un rognoso quando si gratta».
«Capisco» disse Gargamagna, «ma qual è il nettaculo che trovasti migliore?»
«Lasciatemi dire. Vengo subito al tu autem. Mi pulii con il fieno, con la paglia, con la stoppa, con la borra, con la lana, con la carta. Ma
Sempre i coglioni di merda imbelletta
chi con la carta il suo culo si netta».
«O coglioncello» esclamò Gargamagna, «ti sei forse attaccato alla bottiglia che fai versi di già?»
«Oh sì, mio re, e so fare anche di più. Io mi son quel poeta che poetando peta. E, se non mi credete, state a sentire cosa dice al cacante il cacatoio:
Cacone
merdone
petone
che tutte mi accocchi
le merde
le loffe
gli stronzi
che scocchi.
Del culo ti scoppi il budello
se almen dopo l'uso
non chiudi
non netti
l'orrendo
brodoso
ventoso
pertuso!
«Ma volete sentirne un'altra?»
«Come no?» disse Gargamagna.
«Adunque» disse Gargantua, rammemorando:
Ieri ho appreso nel cacare
quanto al cul debbo pagare,
ma un fetore inaspettato
mi lasciò tutto appestato.
Se però qualcun servito
la mia ganza in quel momento
lì m'avesse, nel contento
del cacar le avrei guarnito,
presto e bene alla burina,
il buco dell'orina,
mentre che lei m'avrebbe con il dito
il buco della merda garantito.
«E adesso andate a dire che non ho imparato niente! Per la Merdonna, intendiamoci, non è che questi versi li ho inventati io; ma avendoli sentiti recitare dalla grande e qui presente signora, li ho ritenuti nel borsino della mia memoria».
«Bravo» disse Gargamagna. «Ma adesso torniamo al nostro discorso».
«Sul cacare?»
«No. Sul nettare il culo».
«Ma io vi faccio di sale su questo argomento» disse Gargantua. «Siete pronto a scommettere un barile di vin di Bretagna?»
«Ma certo» disse Gargamagna.
E Gargantua:
«Non fa mestieri di pulire il culo se non siavi lordura; ma lordura non vi può essere se non dopo cacato; e dunque: primum cacare deinde culum astergere».
«Sei proprio un ragazzino assennato» disse Gargamagna. «Pochi anni e molto cervello. Uno di questi giorni ti faccio promuovere dottore alla Sorbona. Ma adesso vorrei sentirti ancora su questo problema nettaculatorio. E ti prometto sulla mia barba che invece di un barile ne avrai sessanta botti. Dico di quel famoso vino di Bretagna che però non cresce per niente in Bretagna, ma proprio qui in questo buon paese di Verron».
«In seguito» disse Gargantua, «mi son pulito con un guanciale, con una parrucca, con una pantofola, con una giberna, con un paniere – pessimo nettaculo, credetemi – e poi con un cappello. E notate che di cappelli ce n'è che sono rasi, altri pelosi, altri vellutati, altri sparadrappati, altri satinati. Il migliore è quello col pelo perché prende su molto bene la materia fecale.
«Poi mi nettai con una gallina, con un gallo, con un pollastro, con una pelle di vitello, con una lepre, con un piccione, con un cormorano, con una borsa da avvocato, con una barbuta, con una cuffia, con un logoro.
«Ma in conclusione dico e sostengo che non c'è nettaculo migliore di un papero ben coperto di pennematte, a condizione che gli si tenga ben stretta la testa fra le gambe. E credetemi sul mio onore. Perché vi produce al buco del culo una voluttà mirifica, sia per la dolcezza della calugine, sia per calore temperato dell'uccello, il quale agevolmente si comunica al budello culare e agli altri intestini fino a pervenire alla regione del cuore e del cervello. E non crediate che la beatitudine degli eroi e dei semidei che scorazzano per i Campi Elisi consista nel loro asfodelo, nell'ambrosia o nel nettare, come dicono queste vecchie qui. Essa a mio parere sta in questo, che loro si puliscono il sedere con un papero. E tale è anche l'opinione di Mastro Giovanni di Scozia».
CAPITOLO XIV
Come Gargantua fu istruito nelle lettere latine da un teologo
A sentire questi discorsi, quel brav'uomo di Gargamagna, considerando la grande sensatezza e l'altissimo ingegno di quel suo figliuolo, se ne andava in estasi al colmo dell'ammirazione, e rivolto alle governanti, parlò così:
«Filippo, re di Macedonia, conobbe il senno di suo figlio Alessandro nel vederlo addestrare un cavallo. Questo cavallo era così terribile e bizzoso che nessuno osava montarlo perché a tutti faceva il salto del montone. A uno rompeva il collo, a un altro le gambe, a un altro la testa o le mascelle.
«All'ippodromo (dove appunto si portavano i cavalli al passeggio e al volteggio), Alessandro, osservando tutto ciò, si accorse che quel furore era dovuto soltanto alla paura che il cavallo pigliava della propria ombra. Per cui, montatogli in groppa, lo fece correre contro il sole, in modo che l'ombra gli cadeva di dietro, e con tale espediente ammansì la bestia che divenne docile al suo comando. Da questo il padre conobbe il divino intendimento ch'era nel figlio, e gli diede per maestro Aristotele, allora stimatissimo fra tutti i filosofi di Grecia, affinché lo istruisse degnamente.
«Ebbene, io vi dico, che le poche parole che ho scambiato con mio figlio davanti a voi, mi son bastate a comprendere che il suo intendimento ha del divino, tanto lo scorgo acuto, sottile, profondo e sereno; e, se sarà tirato su a dovere, son certo che egli perverrà ai più alti fastigi della conoscenza. Pertanto ho deciso di affidarlo alle cure di un qualche uomo di scienza affinché lo istruisca come merita il suo ingegno; e che nulla sia risparmiato per questo».
Di fatto, gli fu assegnato per maestro un teologo di vaglia chiamato Mastro Thubal Oloferne, il quale gli apprese l'alfabeto così bene che lui lo recitava a memoria anche alla rovescia; e questo insegnamento richiese cinque anni e tre mesi.
Poi gli lesse il Donato, il Faceto, il Teodoleto, e Alanus in Parabolis36; il quale insegnamento durò tredici anni, sei mesi e due settimane.
Ma notate che nel frattempo gli insegnava anche a scrivere in caratteri gotici, e così gli faceva scrivere tutti i suoi libri perché l'arte della stampa non era ancora in uso. Per questo portava sempre con sé uno scrittoio che pesava più di settemila quintali. Il portapenne era grande e grosso come le colonne della chiesa di San Martino e il calamaio che vi stava appeso con una gran catena di ferro teneva inchiostro quanto una botte.
Poi si passò alla lettura del De modis significandi con le chiose di Spartivento, di Facidanno, di Cenetroppi, di Cabalone, di Gianvitello, di Pataccone, di Torcimanno e di non so quant'altri, impiegandovi più di diciotto anni e undici mesi. E l'aveva imparato così bene che, alla prova, lo recitò a memoria all'incontrario e dimostrò alla madre sulla punta delle dita che De modis significandi non erat scientia.
Quindi gli lessero il Calendario e la cosa andò avanti per ben sedici anni e due mesi, quando il precettore morì; e questo fu nell'anno millequattrocentoventi, a cagion del malfrancese che giusto allor gli prese.
Dopo di lui ebbe a precettore un altro vecchio catarroso chiamato Mastro Bambolo Farfuglia, che gli lesse Uguzio, il Grecismo di Aberardo, il Dottrinale, le Parti, il Quid est, il Supplementum, il Commento di Marmotteto, il De moribus in mensa servandis, il De quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus di Seneca37, il Passavanti cum Commento, il Dormi secure per le feste, e altra roba della stessa pasta. Per simili letture egli divenne tanto saggio che mai più da allora se n'è sfornato un altro paragonabile.
CAPITOLO XV
Come Gargantua fu affidato ad altri pedagoghi
A questo punto suo padre s'accorse che lui studiava sì con ogni diligenza dalla mattina alla sera, ma senza ricavarne alcun profitto; e anzi – quel che è peggio – ne usciva baloccone, lunatico, rincitrullito, demente.
Della qual cosa lagnandosi con Don Filippo De' Pantani, viceré di Nonsitrova, questi gli fece intendere ch'era meglio non studiare affatto piuttosto che perdersi dietro a simili libri con simili maestri; poiché la scienza di costoro era pura bestialità e la loro sapienza niente altro che insensatezza, buona soltanto a imbastardire le più elette e nobili inclinazioni e a corrompere ogni fiore di gioventù.
«Se non mi credete» soggiunse, «prendete un ragazzo che abbia studiato anche soltanto un paio d'anni, ma come si conviene al giorno d'oggi, e se non si dimostrerà molto più avanti di vostro figlio sia nel sapere, sia nel porgere, sia nel ragionare, e persino nella amabilità e compitezza dei modi, dite pure che io sono uno scannaporci della Brenne».
Gargamagna trovò che la proposta era buona e ordinò che così fosse fatto.
La sera stessa, all'ora di cena, Don Filippo De' Pantani tornò con un suo giovane paggio di Villegongys chiamato Eudemone, così pulito e ben pettinato, così proprio nel vestire e gentile nei modi, da rassomigliare a un angelo piuttosto che a un uomo. E disse a Gargamagna:
«Vedete questo giovinetto? Non ha ancora dodici anni. Ed ora, se siete d'accordo, vedremo quanto ci corre fra il sapere dei vostri matteologi acchiappanuvole del tempo che fu e i giovani di adesso».
Gargamagna acconsentì al confronto e comandò che il paggio argomentasse per primo. Allora Eudemone, chiestane licenza al viceré suo signore, col berretto in mano, ritto nella persona, il volto franco, la bocca vermiglia, lo sguardo tranquillo rivolto a Gargantua con giovanile modestia, prese a lodarne e a magnificarne in primo luogo la virtù e i buoni costumi, quindi il sapere, in terzo luogo la nobiltà, in quarto luogo la bella presenza. Poi, con dolcezza, lo esortò ad onorare in piena sottomissione suo padre che tanto si adoperava per farlo istruire; e infine lo pregò di volerlo accogliere come l'ultimo dei suoi servitori, poiché egli non chiedeva al cielo altra grazia che di potergli rendere un qualche gradito servigio. E il tutto disse con gesti così appropriati, con sì corretta pronuncia, con voce tanto suadente e in un latino38 così puro ed elegante che lo avreste creduto un Gracco, un Cicerone, un Emilio dei tempi antichi piuttosto che un giovinetto di questo secolo.
Per tutta risposta, Gargantua non seppe far di meglio che mettersi a piangere come una vacca, nascondendo la faccia nel berretto. E sarebbe stato più facile cavare un peto da un asino morto che una parola dalla sua bocca.
Il padre se ne infuriò a tal punto che voleva uccidere Mastro Farfuglia. Ma il signor De' Pantani, con un bel sermone, riuscì a moderare la sua ira e fargli intendere che non era il caso. Allora Gargamagna comandò che a Mastro Farfuglia fosse dato il salario; che inoltre lo facessero sborniare bene bene da vero teologo, e quindi lo spedissero all'inferno.
«E se per caso» diceva, «morisse così, zuppo come un inglese39, per oggi, almeno, l'oste non ci rimette».
Partito che fu Mastro Farfuglia, Gargamagna si consultò con il viceré per la scelta di un nuovo precettore, e fu convenuto che a tale ufficio fosse eletto Ponocrate, pedagogo di Eudemone; poi decisero di recarsi a Parigi tutti insieme per vedere quali fossero gli studi praticati dai giovani francesi di quel tempo.
CAPITOLO XVI
Come Gargantua fu mandato a Parigi, com'era la giumenta che lo portò e come questa sbaragliò i tafani della Beauce
E fu proprio in quel tempo che Fayole, quarto re di Numidia, mandò a Gargamagna, dalle sue terre d'Africa, una giumenta, la più grande, la più spropositata che si fosse mai vista e (giusta il detto che Semper Africa novi aliquid apportat) la più mostruosa. Essa infatti era grande come sei liofanti, aveva le dita ai piedi come il cavallo di Giulio Cesare, le orecchie penzoloni come le capre della Languedoc e un piccolo corno per sopraculo. Per il resto era di mantello sauro bruciato pomellato grigio; ma la coda soprattutto aveva orribile, grossa poco più poco meno quanto il pilastro di Saint-Mars presso Longes ed egualmente squadrata, con i crini irsuti e seghettati come le reste del grano.
Se di tanto vi meravigliate, allora vuoi dire che non sapete nulla della coda degli arieti di Scizia che pesava più di trenta libbre, o di quella dei montoni siriani, ai quali, se Thenaud40 dice il vero, occor attaccare un affusto dietro il culo per tenergliela su, tanto è lunga e pesante41. Una coda che nemmeno ve la sognate voialtri piccoli puttanieri di paesi insignificanti.
La mula dunque fu condotta per mare su tre caracche e un brigantino fino al porto di Olona in Thalmondois.
«Ecco quello che ci voleva per portare mio figlio a Parigi» disse Gargamagna appena la vide. «Adesso, perdio, tutto andrà a meraviglia, e col tempo ne faremo un gran dottore. Vivremmo tutti come dottori se non ci fossero le signore bestie»42.
L'indomani, dopo aver bevuto come potete immaginare, Gargantua, il precettore Ponocrate e la gente del seguito si misero in cammino e il giovane paggio Eudemone con loro. E poiché il cielo era sereno e l'aria dolce, il padre gli fece fare un paio di stivaletti gialli; Babin li chiama borzacchini43.
Così allegramente per lungo cammino e sempre in gran baldoria giunsero fin sopra Orléans. Qui trovarono una grande foresta trentacinque leghe lunga e larga diciassette, o quasi, e così gremita, così orribilmente infestata di tafani e calabroni che per i poveri animali – giumente, asini, cavalli – era un vero flagello. Ma la giumenta di Gargantua, con uno di quei tiri che nessuno si aspetta, vendicò degnamente tutte le ingiurie perpetrate sulle bestie della sua specie in quell'orrenda foresta. Dove, al primo attacco dei calabroni, brandì la sua coda e avventandola intorno a distesa, li sbaragliò così bene che distrusse anche il bosco. Di qua e di là, di su di giù, per dritto e per traverso, di lungo e di largo, davanti e di dietro, abbatteva gli alberi come fa il falciatore con l'erba da fieno; di modo che alla fine non c'era più né foresta né tafani, bensì campagna rasa a perdita d'occhio.
Vedendo tutto ciò, Gargantua, pur senza gloriarsene, ne prendeva grandissimo diletto, e, trovando che era bello, lo disse alla sua gente.
«Je trouve beau ce» ripeteva contento. Per cui quel paese fu chiamato La Beauce e si chiama ancora così. Ma per tutta colazione dovettero accontentarsi di sbadigli; in memoria di che, ancor oggi, i gentiluomini della Beauce fan colazione di sbadigli; se ne trovano bene e sputano meglio44.
Finalmente giunsero a Parigi. Qui per due o tre giorni Gargantua si riposò facendo gozzoviglia con tutto il suo seguito; e intanto si informava sui luminari di questa o quella scienza che si trovassero allora in città e sul vino che vi si beveva.
CAPITOLO XVII
Come Gargantua pagò il benvenuto ai Parigini e come s'impadronì dei campanoni di Notre-Dame
Trascorso ancora qualche giorno e riposati che furono, Gargantua se ne andò a visitare la città; e tutti al vederlo passare gli andavano dietro a bocca aperta; perché il popolo di Parigi è tanto sciocco, tanto balordo e sfaccendato di sua natura che un saltimbanco, uno straccivendolo, un muletto con la sonagliera, un suonatore di ghironda a un angolo di strada, raduna più gente di quanto non possa un buon predicatore del Vangelo.
Tanto lo importunava questo codazzo di curiosi che, per rifiatare, fu costretto ad arroccarsi sulle torri della chiesa di Notre-Dame. E vedendosi intorno tanta folla, disse:
«Credo proprio che questi gaglioffi vogliono che io gli paghi il mio benvenuto e il mio proficiat45. È giusto. Adesso gli darò del vino, mais ce ne sera que par ryz»46. Detto questo a voce alta perché lo sentissero, sbottonò la sua bella braghetta e brandendo la mentula per l'aria li scompisciò tanto brutalmente che ne affogarono duecentosessantamilaquattrocentodiciotto, senza contare le donne e i bambini.
Non pochi però, di gamba più lesta, scamparono alla violenza della gran pisciata e quando, sudando, sputando e tossendo trafelati, arrivarono in cima al colle dell'Università, cominciarono tutti a maledire, a mandar moccoli, madonne e sagrati, chi in preda all'ira chi all'ilarità: «Par sainct Vit! Porca vacca! Puttana Maiolica! Les plagues Dieu! Po cab de bious! Santa Bernarda ti faccio il voto! Das dich Gots leyden schend! Sangue di Dio! Par sainct Fiacre de Brye! Potta de Cristo! Par sainct Goudegrin qui feut martyrizé de pomes cuyttes! La Merdé! Cazzo di Dio! Per san Fottuto Apostolo! Par sainte Mamye, nous sommes baignez par ryz!». Per cui da quel giorno la città fu chiamata Paris, mentre prima si chiamava (come dice Strabone, lib. IV) Leucezia, cioè a dire, in greco, Biancolina, per via delle bianche cosce delle dame del posto. E dal fatto che all'imposizione del nuovo nome tutti gli astanti giurarono ciascuno sul santo della sua parrocchia, n'è venuto che i Parigini, tra i quali trovi gente di tutte le razze e di tutte le risme, sono per natura e buoni giuratori e buoni giuristi, e anche un po' arroganti: per cui Giovannino de Barranco, nel suo De Copiositate Reverentiarum, sostiene che si chiamano Parrhesiens in senso greco, come dire Fieri nel parlare.
Fatto questo, Gargantua osservò con interesse le grosse campane in cima alle torri e le fece suonare molto armoniosamente. Fu così che gli venne il pensiero di usarle come sonagli per la sua giumenta che già pensava di rinviare a suo padre carica di formaggini della Brie e di aringhe fresche. Infatti le prese e se le portò a casa.
Un commendatore giamboniere di Sant'Antonio che si trovava a passare di là per la sua questua suina47, pensando che con quelle avrebbe potuto farsi sentire di lontano e così forte da far tremare il lardo nel salatoio, tentò il colpo di portarsele via furtivamente. Ma poi, per onestà le lasciò lì: mica perché scottassero, ma perché gli sembrarono un po' pesantucce da portare. Badate che non era il commendatore di Bourg, perché quello è un mio grandissimo amico.
Naturalmente, tutta Parigi si levò a rumore, perché come sapete i Parigini sono tanto portati alla sedizione da far stupire le nazioni straniere della pazienza o, per meglio dire, della stupidità dei re di Francia, i quali non vi pongono alcun freno con buoni ordinamenti di giustizia, nonostante gli inconvenienti che si producono ogni giorno. Volesse il cielo che io sapessi dov'è l'officina ove si forgiano tanti scismi e complotti, che saprei ben'io come denunciarla alla confraternita della mia parrocchia!
Fatto sta che il luogo dove il popolo accorse delirante e inferocito fu la Sorbona, dov'era allora – adesso non più – l'oracolo di Leucezia. Là fu esposto il caso e dimostrato il danno del ratto delle campane. Dopo aver lungamente argomentato pro et contra, si concluse in Baralipton48 di inviare a Gargantua il più vecchio e più valente teologo della facoltà che gli rendesse noti i terribili inconvenienti dovuti alla perdita delle campane. E nonostante le rimostranze di alcuni dell'università, i quali obbiettavano che un simile incarico meglio si conveniva a un oratore che a un teologo, l'affare fu affidato al nostro beneamato Mastro Giannotto de Bragmardo.
CAPITOLO XVIII
Come Giannotto de Bragmardo fu inviato a Gargantua per ottenere la restituzione delle campane
Mastro Giannotto, tonduto alla cesarina49, con in testa il suo bravo liripipion teologale50 e lo stomaco bene antidotato di cotognata di forno e acqua benedetta di cantina, si recò alla magione di Gargantua, menando avanti a sé tre o quattro bestioni di bidelli dal naso rosso a peperone e tirandosi dietro cinque o sei baccellieri famelici e così pieni di zacchere da credere che ne facessero tesoro.
Sull'entrata li incontrò Ponocrate, il quale, vedendoli conciati a quel modo, si domandò spaventato se non fosse una mascherata di pazzi o di ubriachi. Poi si rivolse a uno della banda per sapere cosa andassero cercando con quella carnevalata, e gli fu risposto ch'erano venuti a chiedere la restituzione delle campane.
Udito ciò, Ponocrate subito corse ad informarne Gargantua perché non venisse colto alla sprovvista e decidesse senza indugio sul da farsi. Gargantua, udita la novità del caso, chiamò a parte Ponocrate stesso, il maggiordomo Filotimo, lo scudiero Ginnasta, il giovane paggio Eudemone e si consultò brevemente con loro su ciò che convenisse fare e rispondere. Tutti furono d'accordo di condurre gli inviati alla dispensa dei vini e lì di farli bere alla teologale; poi, affinché quel vecchio catarroso mai potesse gloriarsi di aver ottenuto con la sua eloquenza la restituzione delle campane, si mandasse – mentre lui beveva – per il prevosto della città, il rettore della facoltà e il vicario della chiesa, ai quali consegnare le campane prima che il teologo avesse esposto il suo mandato. Poi, alla presenza di tutti i convenuti, si sarebbe ascoltata la sua bella perorazione. Così fu fatto; e tutti essendo arrivati, il teologo, introdotto in piena sala, cominciò come segue, tossicchiando.
CAPITOLO XIX
La perorazione di Mastro Giannotto de Bragmardo
davanti a Gargantua per ottenere la restituzione delle campane
«Hem, hem, hem, Mna dies51, Signore, mna dies et vobis, signori. Sarebbe molto bene che ci rendeste le nostre campane perché ne abbiamo molto bisogno. Hem, hem, hasc, rhasc! Una volta abbiamo persino rifiutato dei bei soldi da quelli di Londra in Cahors e un'altra volta anche da quelli di Bordeaux della Brie, che le volevano comperare per via della sostantifica qualità della complessione elementare che è intronificata nella terrestrità della loro natura quidditativa per istraniare gli aloni e le tempeste dalle nostre vigne, veramente nostre no, ma giù di lì; perché se perdiamo il vino, noi perdiamo tutto: il senno e la legge.
«Se voi ce le rendete a mia richiesta io ci guadagnerò sei spanne di salsiccia e un buon paio di braghe che farebbero un gran bene alle mie gambe, altrimenti quelli là si rimangiano la promessa. Oh! Per Dio, Domine, un paio di braghe è quello che ci vuole, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eum. Ma un paio di braghe non basta volerlo per averlo. Nessuno lo sa meglio di me. Pensate, Domine, sono diciotto giorni che mi sto metagrabolizzando su questa bella arringa: Reddite que sunt Cesaris Cesari, et que sunt Dei Deo. Ibi jacet lepus, qui sta il punto.
«In fede mia, Domine, se voleste degnarvi di mangiare con me in camera – per Cristo! – caritatis52 nos faciemus bonam disfamaturam. Ego occidi unum porcum et ego habet bon vino. Ma dal buon vino non può venire cattivo latino53.
«Orsù, de parte Dei, date nobis campanas nostras. Ecco, io vi regalo per conto della facoltà un bellissimo Sermones de Utino54 affinché utinam ci consegnate le nostre campane. Vultis etiam perdonos? Per Diem, vos habebitis, et nihil pagabitis55.
«O signore, Domine, campane dona parvule nobis! Perché, a dire la verità, est bonum urbis, roba che serve a tutti. Se stanno bene alla vostra mula, è lo stesso tale quale per la nostra facoltà, que comparata est jumentis insipientibus et similis facta est eis, psalmo nescio quo, e sì che l'avevo segnato nel mio scartafaccio, et erat unum bonum Achilles56. Hem, hem, ehem, hasch!
«Ecco, adesso vi dimostro che me le dovete consegnare. Ego sic argumentor: Omnis campana campanabilis, in campanilio campanando, campanans campanativo campanare facit campanabiliter campanantes. Parisius habet campanas. Ergo gluc57.
«Ah, ah, ah, questo sì che è parlare! Id est in tertio primae, in Darii58, o da un'altra parte. Per l'anima mia, vi giuro che ai miei tempi ero un diavolo nel discutere, ma adesso son buono soltanto a dir spropositi; adesso, quello che mi bisogna è del buon vino, un letto morbido, la schiena al fuoco, le gambe sotto la tavola e una scodella ben profonda.
«Ahimè, Domine, ve ne prego, in nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti, amen, rendeteci le nostre campane, e che Dio vi guardi dal male, e anche Nostra Signora della Salute, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula seculorum, amen. Hem, hasch, hahn rasch!
«Verum enim vero, quando quidem, dubio procul, edepol, quoniam, ita certe, meus Deus fidus, una città senza campane è come un cieco senza bastone, un asino senza groppiera, una vacca senza sonaglio. Finché non ce le avrete restituite noi continueremo a gridarvi dietro come un cieco che ha perduto il bastone, a ragliare come un asino senza groppiera, a muggire come una vacca senza sonagli.
«Un quidam latinizzatore che abita vicino all'Ospizio degli Infermi, disse una volta allegando l'autorità di un certo Taponnus – anzi no: di un certo Pontanus, poeta secolare59 – che, a suo gusto, le campane dovrebbero esser fatte di piume con una coda di volpe per battaglio, in modo da non fargli venire la colica alle trippe del cervello quando è lì che compone i suoi versi carminiformi. Ma, patetin petetan, ticchete ticche, panfete, per dritto e per traverso, fu dichiarato eretico. Noi li facciamo un tanto al braccio. Il teste non ha più nulla da dire Valete et plaudite. Calepinus recensui»60.
CAPITOLO XX
Come il teologo si portò via il suo panno e come venne in lite con i sorbonisti
Non ancora il teologo aveva terminato che già Eudemone e Ponocrate scoppiavano a ridere e di un riso così smodato e convulso che temettero di rendere l'anima a Dio; proprio come Crasso quando vide un asino che pasteggiava a cardi, o come accadde a Filemone che avendo sorpreso un somaro a banchettare coi fichi apparecchiati alla sua mensa, tanto ne rise che morì. Anche a Mastro Giannotto scappò da ridere con loro, e facevano a chi rideva di più. Tanto che, giungendo gli umori lacrimali, emunti dalla materia del cervello per la violenta concussione, ad irrorare i nervi ottici, tutti piangevano dal ridere. Per cui si rispecchiava in loro Democrito eracliteggiante ed Eraclito democriteggiante.
Spentesi al fine queste matte risa, Gargantua si consultò con i suoi sul da farsi. L'avviso di Ponocrate fu di dar da bere di nuovo a quell'oratore straordinario e – visto che li aveva divertiti ed esilarati più di quanto non avrebbe saputo lo stesso Songecreux61 – che gli fossero donate le dieci spanne di salsiccia invocate nella spassosa perorazione, e inoltre un paio di braghe, trecento ciocchi di buona legna da ardere, venticinque barili di vino, un letto con tre strapunti di piumino d'oca, e una scodella ben grande e profonda; le cose insomma che, come aveva detto lui, gli bisognavano per la sua vecchiezza.
Così fu fatto. Salvo che Gargantua, dubitando non si trovassero sul momento braghe di giusta e comoda misura per le gambe del vecchio e non sapendo bene di qual foggia meglio si convenissero a un siffatto oratore (se alla martingala, che è un ponte levatoio da culo per defecare con più comodo, o alla marinara, per aver meglio ventilati i coglioni, o alla svizzera per tener calde le budella, o a coda di merluzzo per tener fresche le reni) gli fece dare invece sette aune di panno nero e tre di lanetta bianca per la fodera. La legna la portarono i facchini; i baccellieri in pillacchere presero su le salsicce e le scodelle; ma il panno Mastro Giannotto volle portarlo da sé.
Mastro Giuso Banduglia, uno dei baccellieri, gli fece notare che ciò non era dignitoso né in alcun modo confacente al suo stato teologale. «Ci siamo noi per questo» diceva.
«Ah» disse Giannotto, «bel lanternone senza moccolo che sei, che nemmeno sai concludere in modo et figura. Ecco a che cosa servono le supposizioni e i parva logicalia! Panus pro quo supponit?»
«Confuse et distributive» disse Banduglia.
«Io non ti ho chiesto, o asinaccio, quo modo supponit, ma pro quo» disse Giannotto. «Pro tibiis meis, somaro, dovevi dire. Ragion per cui lo porterò io stesso, egomet, sicut suppositum portat adpositum»62.
Così se ne andò chiotto chiotto con il suo panno sottobraccio, che pareva l'avvocato Pathelin63.
Ma il meglio doveva venire alla Sorbona, quando il povero tossicoloso rivendicò trionfalmente in seduta plenaria le salsicce e le braghe pattuite; le quali gli furono perentoriamente negate, in quanto – dicevano quei dottori bene informati – le aveva già avute da Gargantua. Né gli valse obbiettare che quello era un dono, un gesto di personale liberalità che non li assolveva per nulla dagli impegni presi.
«Non ne avrete una briciola in più» gli fu risposto, «e in via di equità potete bene accontentarvi».
«L'equità» disse Giannotto, «non ha mai trovato asilo da queste parti. Miserabili traditori, merendoni che non siete altro! Non c'è sopra la terra gente più scellerata di voi, e nessuno lo sa meglio di me. Non serve andare a sciacqua barili davanti a uno zoppo; le abbiamo fatte insieme le vigliaccate. Per la milza di Dio! Troverò bene il modo di far sapere al Re gli enormi abusi che voi tutti architettate qua dentro e le trame che ordite con le vostre mani. E che mi venga la lebbra se non vi fa bruciar vivi tutti quanti come traditori, eretici rottinculo, seduttori, nemici di Dio e di ogni virtù!»
A queste parole quei signori stesero un atto d'accusa contro di lui; lui a sua volta li citò in giudizio. Conclusione: il processo fu avocato alla Corte e ancora è là. Al riguardo, i sorbonicoli fecero voto di non più spillaccherarsi – e Mastro Giannotto con i suoi seguaci di non più soffiarsi il naso – finché la lite non fosse decisa con sentenza definitiva.
Per via di questo voto son rimasti da allora gli uni sempre più impillaccherati e gli altri più moccicolosi, poiché la Corte non ha ancora finito di spulciare tutti i documenti.
La sentenza sarà pronunciata alle prossime calende greche, vale a dire l'anno del mai. Poiché, voi lo sapete, codesti signori possono più che non possa natura, anche a dispetto dei loro stessi decreti, nei quali è detto ben chiaro che solo a Dio è concesso di fare cose infinite. Natura non genera cose immortali. Al contrario essa assegna un tempo ed un termine a tutto ciò che produce, per cui omnia orta cadunt, ecc. Ma questi mangiatori di nebbia sempre riuscirono a rendere e infiniti e immortali i processi pendenti davanti a loro, dando luogo e credito alla sentenza di Chilone il Lacedemone, consacrata in Delfo, che dice essere la miseria sorella delle liti e miserrimi sempre i litiganti, perché verranno a capo della propria vita prima che del proprio diritto.
CAPITOLO XXI
Gli studi e la dieta di Gargantua secondo la disciplina dei suoi precettori sorbonisti
Trascorsi così i primi giorni e tornate le campane al loro posto, i cittadini di Parigi, in segno di gratitudine per tanta cortesia, si offrirono di accudire e nutrire la giumenta di Gargantua per tutto il tempo che a lui fosse piaciuto – cosa ch'egli accettò di buon grado – e la mandarono a pascere nella foresta di Bière. Adesso credo che non ci sia più.
Sistemata questa faccenda, Gargantua avrebbe voluto di tutto cuore dare inizio agli studi sotto la guida di Ponocrate; ma costui, per cominciare, gli ordinò di continuare a vivere nel modo suo abituale, al fine di capire con che sistema, in così lungo tempo, gli antichi precettori fossero riusciti soltanto a renderlo così stupido, goffo e ignorante.
Egli dunque regolava la sua giornata in modo da svegliarsi ordinariamente fra le otto e le nove, facesse chiaro o no: così gli avevano imposto i suoi istitutori in teologia allegando il detto di Davide: Vanum est ante lucem surgere64.
Poi con sgambetti, salti e capriole, ruzzava un po' per il letto per meglio ricreare gli spiriti animali. Si vestiva secondo stagione, ma per lo più indossava una palandrana di frisato pesante foderata di volpe.
Dopo si pettinava con il pettine di Almain65 cioè con quattro dita più il pollice, perché i suoi precettori gli avevano insegnato che, a questo mondo, pettinarsi altrimenti e lavarsi e pulirsi era tutto tempo perduto.
Poi cacava, pisciava, vomitava, ruttava, spetazzava, sbadigliava, sputava, tossiva, singhiozzava, starnutava, si smoccicava all'arcidiacona, e in fine, per combattere la rugiada e l'aria cattiva, chiamava la prima colazione: bellissime trippe in padella, belle carbonate, bei prosciutti, bei capretti in graticola, zuppa da mattutino66 in quantità.
Ponocrate gli fece osservare che non si sarebbe dovuto far colazione a quel modo, appena sbucati dal letto, senza prima aver fatto qualche esercizio. Ma Gargantua gli rispose:
«Come sarebbe? Più esercizi di così! Prima di alzarmi mi sono rotolato sei o sette volte per il letto. Non è forse abbastanza? Papa Alessandro faceva lo stesso per consiglio del suo medico ebreo e visse fino alla morte a dispetto degli invidiosi. I miei vecchi maestri mi hanno abituato così perché dicevano che la prima colazione rinforza la memoria; e infatti loro bevevano sempre per primi. Io mi ci trovo benissimo e pranzo anche meglio. E Mastro Thubal – il primo, a suo tempo, fra i laureati di Parigi – mi diceva che il vero vantaggio non sta nel correre forte, bensì nel partire di buon'ora; e così la salute dell'uomo non sta mica nel bere e ribere a tutta canna come le anitre, unde versus:
Puoi anche alzarti presto se sei sveglio
ma prima bevi se vuoi viver meglio».
Dopo aver desinato proprio a puntino andava in chiesa, dove gli portavano, dentro un gran paniere, un grosso breviario impantofolato, il quale, fra untume, borchie e pergamena, pesava undici quintali e sei libbre poco più poco meno. Là ascoltava venticinque o trenta messe. Frattanto arrivava il suo elemosiniere personale, intabarrato come un allocco, con il fiato molto bene antidotato a forza di sciroppo di vigna. Con lui Gargantua borbottava tutti i suoi chirie spulciandoli con tanta cura che non ne cadeva a terra un sol chicco.
All'uscita dalla chiesa, gli portavano, su di una treggia a buoi, una catasta di paternostri di Saint Claude, grossi ognuno quanto lo stampo del berretto, e passeggiando per chiostri, gallerie e giardini, ne recitava più lui di sedici eremiti.
Poi studiava una qualche mezzoraccia, gli occhi posati sui libri; ma, come dice Terenzio, il suo cuore era in cucina.
Quindi pisciava a pieni pitali e si sedeva a tavola. E perché era flemmatico di natura, cominciava il suo pasto con qualche dozzina di prosciutti, di lingue di bue affumicate, di bottarghe, di salsicce e altri simili araldi del vino.
Frattanto, quattro inservienti a vicenda gli gettavano in bocca senza mai ristare mostarda a palettate, e lui ci versava sopra sorsate terrificanti di vin bianco per rinfrescarsene i rognoni. Quindi mandava giù secondo la stagione ogni altra cosa che gli andasse a genio, e quando la pancia gli tirava allora smetteva di mangiare.
Quanto al vino, non conosceva legge né misura; perché, diceva, l'avviso di fermata nel bere è quando il bevitore si accorge che il sughero delle sue pantofole si è ingrossato di mezzo piede.
CAPITOLO XXII
I giochi di Gargantua
Poi, biascicando goffamente un mozzicone di tibi gratias, si sciacquava le mani nel vin fresco, si stuzzicava i denti con un piede di porco e chiacchierava allegro con la sua corte. Quindi, disteso il tappeto verde, vi sciorinava sopra in quantità carte e dadi e scacchiere d'ogni sorta. E giocavano:
a frussi | a nano giallo
---|---
a primiera | alla sfortunata
a dar cappotto | a mercante in fiera
a pigliatutto | a passa dieci
al trionfo | a trenta e uno
a bàmbara | a pariglia e verzicola
a omo nero | a trecento
ai disgraziati | a far bau bau
alla condanna | a primus secundus
a briscola scoperta | al cotecchio
a malcontento | alle chiavi
al lanzichenecco | ai quadrelli
a cucù | a pari o caffo
a chi l'ha lo dica | a testa o croce
a piglia, nada, joca fora | a zecchinetta
a mariage | agli aliossi
a bazzica | a bigliardo
a pizzighino | al ciabattino
a chi fa l'un fa l'altro | ai barbagianni
a sequenza | al leprottino
ai gargarozzi | a tirelintintana
ai tarocchi | alle bocce
alla rovescina | alle gazzere
al belinato | a far le fiche
a rubamonte | a far la festa al bue
alla ronfa | alla civetta
alle figure | a non ridere
alla morra | al guancialino
agli scacchi | a l'asino zoppo
alla volpe | alle mastiette
alla campana | a burri burri zu
a goffetto | a io mi siedo
alla riffa | al saccheggio
alla zara | a staccia buratta
a tre dadi | a mastello in fiera
a dama reale | alla comare
a dar buffetti | a pelle di palle
al biribisso | a butta fuori
alla curanetta | alle fiche di Marsiglia
a sbaraglino | alle ombre
a tric trac | a palle e santi
a ingottarello | a gatto tagliato
a rinnegabio | a ramazza
a sforzare | alle buchette
a soffia nel carbone | allo spione
ai responsi | alla seghetta
a giudice vivo e giudice morto | al castelletto
a tocca il ferro caldo | all'infilata
a capanniscondere | alla fossetta
ai sassolini | al frullino
al gobbo in corte | alla trombetta
a San Trovato | al monaco
a pizzica morchella | all'incantato
al pero | alla pillacchera
a pimpompetto | alla spola
a trallarera trallarà | a sculacciate
al cerchio | alla granata
alla troia | a San Cosimo t'adoro
a pancia su, pancia sotto | a scarafaggio nero
alle vallette | a ti ho preso senza il verde
alle scopette | a passa quaresima
a piastrelle | a quercia forcuta
a ci sto anch'io | a caval caduto
a spegnimoccolo | a coda di lupo
ai birilli | a peto in gola
a salincervo | a Gugliemo dammi la lancia
a palla piatta | all'altalena
al volano | ai tre covoni
alla lippa | alla betulla
a toccamerda | al faraone
alla scoccina | a zitta gallina la volpe è vicina
a mattonelle | alle domande
a scaricalasino | a scaldamani
a rimpiattino | a testa in giù
a pentolaccia | al ponte rotto
a mio talento | alla seggiolina
al mulinello | alla cornacchia
ai giunchetti | a gallo canta
a mazza corta | a mosca cieca
alla trottola | a mala morte
a nocciolino | a far la spia
al picchetto | al rospo
a cruscherella | a pallamaglio
al pistone | a culo salato
al bilbocchetto | a l'uccellin volò volò
alle regine | a caccia al terzo
ai mestieri | alla quintana
a sbricchi quanti | a saltasiepe
al pinotto | a tagliar la strada
a salimpendola | al guarda-culo
ai buffetti | al cervo volante
a Cencin della comare | al passavanti
a seminar l'avena | alla fica
a leccatagliere | alle scorregge
al molinetto | a mangiamostarda
a defendo | a ripiglino
alla giravolta | a piede zoppo
a schioppetto arrabbiato | al guancialino
a batticulo | alle zuccate
al lavoratore | alla gru
a bestia morta | a Peppa Tencia
a sali sali la scaletta | alla ripicchiata
a porcello farcito | al gioco delle allodole
a dama | ai pizzicotti
Dopo aver ben giocato, passato, setacciato e burattato il tempo, conveniva naturalmente farci sopra una bevutina (come dire una dozzina di boccali a testa) e subito poi banchettare, cioè distendersi su di un bel bancone o sopra un grande letto e qui dormire due o tre ore senza cattivi pensieri né maldicenza.
Appena sveglio, Gargantua scrollava un poco le orecchie, mentre già gli servivano vin fresco, e lui beveva più convinto che mai.
Ponocrate cercava di fargli capire che quelle bevute così dopo dormito erano tutto il contrario di una buona dieta. Ma Gargantua rispondeva che quella era la vera Vita dei Santi Padri67, perché lui, per sua natura, dormiva salato e il sonno gli teneva luogo di altrettanto prosciutto.
Poi cominciava a studiacchiare, cioè soprattutto a recitar paternostri, e per meglio sbrigarsene formalmente, saliva su una vecchia mula che aveva già servito nove re. Così, borbottando fra i denti e dondolando la testa, se ne andava a veder prendere i conigli con le reti.
Al ritorno passava dalla cucina per saper quale arrosto girasse allo spiedo.
E cenava benissimo, parola mia!, insieme ad alcuni bevitori suoi vicini che amava convitare. Tra loro, senza mai dar pace alla bottiglia, se ne raccontavano di vecchie e di nuove; e fra gli altri aveva per famigliari i signori del Fou, di Gourville e di Marigny68.
Dopo cenato, era il momento dei begli Evangeli di legno69 (cioè scacchiere con pedine e dadi), dei domino, dei tarocchi e d'ogni altro gioco a piacere. Oppure se ne andavano a far visita alle ganze dei dintorni; e lì di nuovo cenette, spuntini e rispuntini, e dopo a dormire d'un sonno filato fino all'indomani alle otto.
CAPITOLO XXIII
Come Gargantua fu educato da Ponocrate in modo tale che non perdeva un'ora del giorno
Quando Ponocrate si fu reso conto delle viziose abitudini di Gargantua deliberò di ordinare diversamente i suoi studi a cominciare dalle buone lettere; ma, per i primi giorni, credette bene di lasciar correre, considerando che la natura non sopporta mutazioni subitanee senza grave offesa.
Intanto, per cominciare al meglio l'opera sua, supplicò un luminare della medicina di quel tempo, Mastro Teodoro, perché vedesse se c'era un mezzo per rimettere Gargantua sulla buona strada. Questi, canonicamente, lo purgò con elleboro d'Anticira70, e con tal medicina lo liberò da ogni alterazione e perversità del cervello. Con lo stesso rimedio Ponocrate gli fece dimenticare tutto ciò che aveva appreso sotto gli antichi precettori. Cosi faceva Timoteo71 con quelli dei suoi discepoli che erano stati istruiti da altri musici.
Per affrettare lo scopo lo indusse a dimestichezza con le persone colte di Parigi, a emulazione delle quali crebbe in lui il bisogno e la voglia di studiare in modo nuovo e di farsi valere.
Poi ne ordinò gli studi in guisa tale che non perdeva un'ora sola della giornata, e dava tutto il suo tempo alle lettere e all'onesto sapere.
Si svegliava dunque Gargantua verso le quattro del mattino. Mentre lo asciugavano e lo massaggiavano, gli leggevano qualche pagina della sacra scrittura con voce alta e chiara e intonazione adatta alla materia, e a questo ufficio era chiamato Anagnoste72 (un giovane paggio nativo di Basché). Spesso, a seconda delle suggestioni e degli argomenti di questa lettura, egli si dava a onorare, adorare, pregare e supplicare il buon Dio, del quale le cose udite avevano dimostrato la maestà e il giudizio meraviglioso.
Quindi si ritirava nei luoghi di decenza a fare escrezione delle digestioni naturali. Là il precettore gli ripeteva le cose appena lette e gliene spiegava i passi più oscuri e difficili.
Tornandone, consideravano lo stato del cielo; se era ancora come l'avevano osservato la sera avanti e in quale segno entravano quel giorno il sole e la luna.
Fatto questo, Gargantua veniva vestito, pettinato, acconciato, agghindato e profumato, e intanto gli si ripetevano le lezioni del giorno prima. Lui stesso le recitava a memoria e le riconduceva a qualche caso pratico riguardante l'umana condizione. Talvolta l'esercizio si protraeva per due o tre ore, ma per solito smettevano quando avevano finito di vestirlo.
Poi, per tre ore buone, gli tenevano lezione.
Alla fine, uscivano all'aperto, sempre parlando delle cose appena studiate; andavano per diporto al Braque73 o nei prati, e giocavano a palla, a pallacorda, a palla trigona, esercitando bellamente il corpo come già avevano esercitato la mente.
Giocavano in tutta libertà, lasciando la partita quando loro piaceva, e di solito smettevano quand'erano vinti dal sudore e dalla stanchezza. Asciugati e massaggiati ben bene, si cambiavano di camicia e passeggiando quietamente se ne andavano a vedere se il pranzo era pronto. Nell'attesa, recitavano con chiara dizione ed eloquenza alcune delle sentenze apprese al mattino.
Frattanto Monsignor l'Appetito si faceva vivo e non senza motivo sedevano a mensa.
All'inizio del pasto veniva letta qualche piacevole storia di antiche gesta, fino al momento del vino. Allora, a seconda degli umori, si continuava la lettura oppure si cominciava a ragionare allegramente, parlando, nei primi mesi, della virtù, proprietà, efficacia e natura di tutti i cibi che venivano serviti a tavola (pane, vino, acqua, sale, carni, pesce, frutta, erbe, radici) e del modo di prepararli. Così facendo Gargantua, in poco tempo, apprese tutto ciò che avevano detto al riguardo Plinio, Ateneo, Dioscoride, Giulio Polluce, Galeno, Porfirio, Appiano, Polibio, Eliodoro, Aristotele, Eliano ed altri. Spesso, dopo averne parlato, facevano portare in tavola i libri di costoro, per essere ben certi di non cadere in errore. E le cose dette gli restavano così bene impresse nella mente, che non c'era medico, allora, che ne sapesse la metà di lui.
Poi parlavano delle lezioni del mattino e, terminato il pasto con un po' di cotognata, Gargantua si puliva i denti con un rametto di lentisco, si lavava le mani e gli occhi con abbondante acqua fresca e insieme offrivano a Dio un rendimento di grazie con qualche bel cantico composto in lode della munificenza e benignità divina. Portavano poi delle carte, ma non per giocare, bensì per apprendere mille piccole finezze e nuove invenzioni; le quali tutte avevano a fondamento l'aritmetica.
Per tal modo egli prese passione alla scienza dei numeri e ogni giorno dopo pranzo e dopo la cena vi passava il suo tempo con lo stesso piacere che soleva prendere nel gioco dei dadi e delle carte. E tanto ne approfondì sia la teoria sia la pratica che l'inglese Tunstal, il quale pure ne aveva scritto ampiamente, confessò che, al paragone di lui, si sentiva un principiante.
E non solo eccelleva in aritmetica, ma in tutte le altre scienze matematiche, quali la geometria, l'astronomia, la musica; poiché, durante il chilo e la digestione dei cibi, si divertivano a costruire mille strumenti e figure geometriche, e allo stesso modo prendevano dimestichezza coi canoni dell'astronomia.
Poi si deliziavano nel cantar musica a quattro o cinque parti o su di un tema unico, a piacere.
Quanto agli strumenti musicali, imparò a suonare il liuto, la spinetta, l'arpa, il flauto traverso e quello a nove fori, la viola e il trombone.
Impiegato così questo tempo, compiuta la digestione, si liberava degli escrementi naturali; poi tornava ad applicarsi allo studio principale per tre ore o più, ripetendo la lezione del mattino, o continuando il libro incominciato o anche esercitandosi alla scrittura, a ben comporre cioè e tratteggiare pulitamente sia i caratteri gotici sia quelli latini.
Ciò fatto, uscivano dall'ostello, e con loro un giovane gentiluomo della Turenna chiamato Ginnasta lo scudiero, che gli insegnava l'arte del cavalcare.
Egli pertanto, cambiato il vestito, montava in groppa a un corsiero, a un ronzino, a un ginnetto, a un veloce berbero, lo lanciava a briglia sciolta, gli faceva saltare il fossato, scavalcare lo steccato, lo faceva impennare, volteggiare nell'aria, corvettare, caracollare tanto a destra quanto a sinistra.
Ma là, certamente, non rompeva la sua lancia, perché niente al mondo è più insensato che farsi vanto d'aver spezzato dieci lance in torneo o in battaglia: cosa che saprebbe fare un qualsiasi carpentiere. Mentre è degno di lode e vera gloria, con una sola lancia, spezzarne dieci ai nemici. E lui, con la sua lancia temprata, solida e ferma, fracassava una porta, sfondava un arnese, sradicava un albero, centrava un anello, infilzava una sella da battaglia, un panzerone, una manopola. E tutto avendo indosso l'armatura al completo.
Quanto a muovere il passo del cavallo a suon di fanfara o a piccoli schiocchi di lingua, nessuno era da più di lui. E il gran volteggiatore di Ferrara74 valeva sì e no una scimmia al paragone. In particolar modo poi si era addestrato con i cavalli cosiddetti desultori75 a saltare dall'uno all'altro senza toccar terra; a montar senza staffe sia da un lato che dall'altro con la lancia in pugno, e a guidare il cavallo senza briglia a suo piacere; poiché tali cose convengono alla disciplina militare.
Un altro giorno si esercitava all'azza, e tanto bene armeggiava, così rudemente incalzava di punta, così agilmente mulinava di taglio, che superò tutte le prove e fu promosso cavaliere sul campo.
Poi brandiva la picca, giocava di spadone a due mani, di spada bastarda, di spagnola, di daga, con armatura e senza, con lo scudo, la cappa, o la rotella.
Cacciava il cervo, il capriolo, l'orso, il daino, il cinghiale, la lepre, le pernici, i fagiani, le ottarde. Giocava al pallone lanciandolo alto nell'aria sia col piede sia con il pugno. Lottava, correva, saltava, ma non a tre passi un salto, non a piede zoppo né alla tedesca, perché, diceva Ginnasta, sono salti inutili e di nessun vantaggio in guerra. Invece, superava d'un balzo un fossato, scavalcava una siepe, montava sei passi di slancio su per un muro e così si aggrappava a una finestra alta una lancia da terra.
Nuotava in acque profonde: bocconi, supino, sul fianco, con tutto il corpo, con i piedi soltanto; o attraversava tutta la Senna con una mano fuori, reggendo un libro senza farlo bagnare, mentre coi denti si tirava dietro il mantello, come fece Giulio Cesare. Poi facendo forza su una sola mano, saltava su una barca, si tuffava di nuovo a testa in giù, esplorava il fondo, si cacciava fra gli scogli, s'inabissava nei baratri e nei gorghi. Poi girava la barca, la governava, la mandava veloce o lenta, sul filo dell'acqua o controcorrente, la frenava sulla rapida di una chiusa, con una mano la guidava mentre con l'altra maneggiava un gran remo, tendeva la vela, saliva sugli alberi per le sartie, correva sui pennoni, regolava la bussola, tirava le boline a controvento, reggeva il timone.
Uscito dall'acqua, saliva alacre la montagna e ne discendeva con eguale facilità; si arrampicava sugli alberi come un gatto, saltava dall'uno all'altro come uno scoiattolo, spezzava i grossi rami come un novello Milone76. Con due pugnali d'accaio fino e due cavicchi a prova del suo peso, si arrampicava fino alla sommità di una casa, come un topo, e poi saltava giù atteggiando le membra in modo tale da non farsi alcun male nella caduta. Lanciava il dardo, la barra, il sasso, il giavellotto, lo spiedo, l'alabarda, tendeva l'arco a fondo, caricava a forza di reni le grosse balestre da assedio, puntava l'archibugio a braccio77, incavalcava il cannone, tirava al bersaglio e al pappagallo, dal basso in alto, dall'alto in basso, di fronte di fianco e all'indietro, come i Parti.
Gli attaccavano al sommo di una torre una fune pendente fino a terra e per quella saliva e discendeva con le sole mani e con tanta agilità e sicurezza che più non si potrebbe andando per un prato in piano.
Una pertica gli mettevano, poggiata su due alberi, e lui, standovi appeso con le mani e senza mai toccar terra, la percorreva tutta avanti e indietro così che non si sarebbe potuto raggiungerlo anche andandogli appresso a tutta corsa.
Per tenere in esercizio il torace e i polmoni, urlava come un dannato. L'ho sentito io una volta che chiamava Eudemone da Porta San Vittore a Montmartre. Stentore, alla guerra di Troia, non spiegò mai una voce paragonabile.
Per ingagliardire muscoli gli avevano apprestato due salmoni di piombo del peso di ottomila settecento quintali ciascuno che lui chiamava salati; li sollevava da terra uno per mano, li alzava al di sopra della testa e li reggeva così, senza vacillare, per tre quarti d'ora e più, che era una prova di forza inimitabile.
Giocava alla barra con i più forti e, quand'era il momento, si teneva così saldamente piantato sui suoi piedi da potersi promettere prigioniero del fortunato avversario che fosse riuscito a muoverlo di un ette come un tempo Milone, a imitazione del quale stringeva nel pugno una melagrana che offriva in dono a chi fosse riuscito a strappargliela.
Trascorso così il tempo destinato a questi esercizi, fatto un buon massaggio, ripulito e rinfrescato, si cambiava e se ne tornava senza fretta. E attraversando i prati o altri luoghi erbosi, indugiava a osservare alberi e arbusti, confrontandoli ai libri degli antichi che ne hanno scritto come Teofrasto, Dioscoride, Marino, Plinio, Nicandro, Macer e Galeno; e intanto coglieva a piene mani erbe, foglie e radici per portarsele a casa, dove un giovane paggio chiamato Rizotomo78 era incaricato di averne cura insieme alle marre, ai picconi, ai bidenti, alle vanghe, ai taglieri e agli altri attrezzi indispensabili a un buon erborista.
Arrivati al Castello, mentre si preparava la cena, ripetevano qualche passo delle cose lette e si sedevano a tavola.
Notate qui che se il desinare di Gargantua era sobrio (infatti mangiava soltanto per reprimere i clamori dello stomaco) la cena invece era copiosa e larga e lui mangiava quanto gli occorreva per conservarsi e nutrirsi; che è la vera dieta prescritta dall'arte medica migliore e più sicura, anche se un branco di medici balordi, intronati di chiacchiere alla scuola dei sofisti, consigliano il contrario.
Durante il pasto della sera si riprendevano le lezioni di mezzogiorno fintanto che tornava gradito, e il resto del tempo era speso in bei conversari su argomenti letterari ed utili.
Dopo il rendimento di grazie, si abbandonavano al piacere del canto armonico, a suonare strumenti melodiosi, o a certi piccoli passatempi con le carte, coi dadi e i bussolotti e continuavano così con grande spasso e allegria qualche volta fino all'ora di dormire. Altra volta invece ricercavano la compagnia di letterati o di gente che avesse viaggiato il mondo.
In piena notte, prima di ritirarsi, salivano al punto più alto della casa per osservare la volta del cielo, e là studiavano le comete quando ve ne fossero, e le figure, la disposizione, gli aspetti, le opposizioni e congiunzioni degli astri.
Poi, con il suo precettore, Gargantua, alla maniera dei pitagorici, ricapitolava brevemente tutto ciò che aveva letto, veduto, appreso, fatto e sentito nel corso della giornata.
Così pregavano Dio creatore, adorandolo, attestandogli la loro fede, glorificandolo per la sua immensa bontà; e ringraziandolo per tutto il tempo passato si raccomandavano alla sua divina clemenza per tutto il tempo a venire.
Fatto questo, andavano a riposare.
CAPITOLO XXIV
Come Gargantua impiegava il suo tempo nei giorni freddi e piovosi
Nei giorni freddi e piovosi, tutto il tempo avanti il desinare era impiegato come di consueto, salvo che si accendeva un bel fuoco nei grandi camini per temperare la rigidezza dell'aria. Ma, dopo mangiato, invece di esercitarsi all'aperto, restavano in casa e, a scopo apoterapico, si divertivano ad affastellare il fieno, a spaccare o segare la legna, a battere il grano nel granaio; poi si esercitavano nell'arte della pittura e della scultura o si studiavano di giocare l'antico gioco degli aliossi così come lo ha descritto Leonico e come lo gioca il nostro buon amico Lescaris. E giocando richiamavano i passi degli antichi autori che ne hanno fatto menzione o ne hanno tratto qualche metafora.
Altrimenti andavano a vedere come si battono i metalli o come si fonde l'artiglieria; o indugiavano a veder lavorare i lapidari, gli orafi, gli incisori, gli alchimisti, i monetieri, i tessitori d'alto liccio, i fabbricanti di panno, i vellutieri, gli orologiai, gli specchiai, gli stampatori, gli organari, i tintori e altri artigiani e maestri di bottega, e offrendo da bere a tutti scoprivano e imparavano i segreti dell'industria e dei mestieri.
Si recavano ad ascoltare le lezioni pubbliche, gli atti solenni, le ripetizioni, le arringhe dei principi del foro, i sermoni dei predicatori evangelici.
Nelle sale e scuole di scherma dove capitavano, Gargantua giocava d'ogni arma con i maestri dimostrando di saperne quanto e più di loro.
Invece di erborare, visitavano le botteghe degli speziali, degli erboristi e degli apotecari, e qui osservavano con cura frutti, radici, foglie, gomme, semenze, unguenti esotici e, al tempo stesso, i modi con cui venivano adulterati.
E andavano anche a vedere giocolieri, prestigiatori, saltimbanchi e ciarlatani, e ne studiavano i gesti, le astuzie, le sortite, la parlantina; soprattutto di quelli di Chaunys in Piccardia, gran parlatori, spacciatori eccellenti di cantafavole, bravissimi nel vendere la luna nel pozzo.
Tornati poi per la cena, consumavano un pasto più sobrio degli altri giorni e fatto di cibi più essicativi e dimagranti affinché la temperie umida dell'aria, comunicata al corpo per necessaria contiguità, ne risultasse corretta e non venisse loro alcun danno dal non aver praticato i consueti esercizi.
Così fu educato Gargantua e questa regola seguiva giorno per giorno; traendone naturalmente tutto il profitto che voi pensate possa trarre un giovane giudizioso da un sì costante esercizio. Il quale, per quanto potesse sembrar gravoso al principio, divenne poi, per consuetudine, leggero e dilettevole tanto da somigliare a un passatempo da re più che a una disciplina da scolaro.
Ogni mese tuttavia Ponocrate, per distrarlo da un impegno tanto assillante, coglieva l'occasione di una bella giornata di sole per condurlo fuori città. Partivano al mattino e andavano a Gentily o a Boulogne o a Montrouge o al ponte di Charenton o a Vanves o a Saint-Cloud, e là trascorrevano tutta la giornata nella più gran baldoria che si potesse desiderare, scherzando, ridendo, cioncando, giocando, cantando, danzando, rotolandosi per i prati, snidando passeri, catturando quaglie, pescando gamberi e ranocchie.
Ma se la giornata passava senza libri e senza lezioni, non per questo andava senza profitto, perché, riposando sdraiati su un bel prato, ripetevano a memoria qualche verso prediletto dell'Agricoltura di Virgilio, di Esiodo, o del Rusticus di Poliziano, e pigliavano gusto a comporre eleganti epigrammi in latino, che poi volgevano in versi francesi, in ballate, in rondò.
Banchettando, si divertivano a separare l'acqua dal vino annacquato con una coppa d'edera, come insegnano Catone nel De re rustica e Plinio; purgavano il vino in un bacile pieno d'acqua e ne lo riestraevano mediante un imbuto; facevano passare l'acqua da un bicchiere all'altro; costruivano una quantità di piccoli congegni automatici, vale a dire semoventi.
CAPITOLO XXV
Come fu che nacque fra i focacceri di Lerné e la gente del paese di Gargantua la grande lite alla quale dovevano seguire grandi guerre
In quel tempo, ch'era tempo di vendemmia al cominciare dell'autunno, i pastori della contrada erano tutti a guardia delle vigne per proteggere l'uva dagli storni. E fu così che vedendo passare a un crocicchio i focacceri di Lerné che andavano in città con dieci o dodici carichi di focacce, li chiamarono e chiesero loro cortesemente di vendergliene qualcuna per contanti e a prezzo di mercato. Perché dovete sapere che è nutrimento celeste al mattino rompere il digiuno con focaccia fresca e uva, sia l'uva berzamina, cimiciattola, moscatella o agresta, o l'uva cacherella per quelli che sono costipati di ventre, perché li fa andare a getto lungo e diritto come una freccia, e spesso, nell'opinione di licenziare un peto, si riempiono le brache di merda; per cui sono chiamati i petopinanti delle vigne.
Ma la richiesta dei pastori non incontrò per nulla il favore dei focacceri, i quali anzi li ingiuriarono grandemente chiamandoli cafoni, senza-denti, pelirossi, ubriaconi, cagaletto, furfanti, lime sorde, fannulloni, buzzoni, mirabolani, buonianiente, zoticoni, rompipalle, scrocconi, accattabrighe, mugherini, buffoni, tangheri, bighelloni, allocchi, balordi, merendoni, gabbadei, sbruffoni, guardiani di stronzi, pastori di merda, e altri epiteti diffamatori, aggiungendo che a gente come loro non si convenivano focacce così belle, bensì soltanto, e di grazia, gallette a pan di pula.
Al quale oltraggio uno di loro chiamato Forgier, persona assai garbata e bel giovanotto, rispose pacatamente:
«Da quando in qua vi sono spuntate le corna che siete diventati tanto focosi? Una volta, perdio, ce le vendevate volentieri, e adesso ce le rifiutate. Non è mica ben fatto tra buoni vicini. Noi, quando venite a comperare il nostro bel frumento per fare le vostre torte e le vostre focacce, non facciamo così. Del resto noi vi avremmo dato in cambio anche la nostra uva. Ma, per la madonna, potreste anche pentirvene perché un giorno o l'altro dovrete pur farli i conti con noi. E noi vi renderemo la pariglia: tenetevelo a mente!»
Allora tutti udirono Marquet79, il gran Gonfaloniere della Confraternita dei Focacceri, che diceva:
«Davvero che hai messo su una bella cresta questa mattina. Io dico che ieri sera hai mangiato troppo miglio. Vieni qua, vieni qua che te la do io la focaccia!»
A queste parole, Forgier si avvicinò, sfilando un diecino dalla cintura e credendo che Marquet stesse per tirar fuori qualche focaccia dal suo sacco. Ma costui lo colpì attraverso le gambe con la frusta, e così forte che vi stampò l'impronta dei nodi. Poi cercò di filarsela. Ma Forgier, gridando all'assassino con quanto fiato aveva, gli tirò dietro un grosso randello che teneva sotto braccio e lo colpì giusto giusto alla giuntura coronale della testa, sull'arteria crotafica destra80, per modo che Marquet tombolava giù dalla sua giumenta più morto che vivo.
Frattanto i fittavoli che abbacchiavano le noci lì vicino, accorsero con i loro grandi batacchi, e giù a menar botte su quei focacceri come se trebbiassero segale acerba81.
Anche gli altri pastori e le pastore accorsero con frombole e sfendoni e li inseguirono con una sassaiola così fitta che pareva la grandine. Fintanto che li raggiunsero e si impadronirono di quattro o cinque dozzine di focacce; pagandogliele però al solito prezzo e in più gratificandoli di un centinaio di noci e tre panieri d'uva albinazza.
I focacceri, dopo aver raccolto il loro gonfaloniere, che era proprio malridotto, e rimessolo in sella, invece di proseguire sulla strada di Pareillé, se ne tornarono a Lerné, minacciando però orribilmente e bovari e pastori e mezzadri di Seuillé e di Synays.
I quali tuttavia, con le focacce e con l'uva, e al suono allegro delle cornamuse, fecero grande festa e gozzoviglia, ridendosi di quei focacceri sbruffoni che di sicuro eran cascati male per via d'essersi segnati al mattino con la mano sbagliata; e con il succo della grossa uva canina lavarono le gambe di Forgier così amorevolmente che ben presto ne guarì.
CAPITOLO XXVI
Come fu che gli abitanti di Lerné, per ordine di re Picrocolo82, assalirono alla sprovvista i pastori di Gargantua
Tornati a Lerné, i focacceri, immediatamente, senza bere né mangiare, si riunirono in Campidoglio83 e là, al cospetto del re Picrocolo, terzo del nome, esposero le loro lagnanze, mostrando le ceste rotte, i berretti ammaccati, le focacce maciullate e soprattutto il loro gonfaloniere orribilmente ferito, e dicendo che a far tutto questo erano stati i pastori e i fittavoli di Gargamagna, laggiù all'incrocio, passato Seuillé.
Picrocolo d'un subito s'infiammò e senza più chiedere né tanto né quanto fece bandire un proclama di guerra per tutto il paese chiamando a raccolta popolo e valvassori: che tutti, pena il capestro, si riunissero in armi nella grande piazza davanti al castello all'ora di mezzogiorno.
E perché non vi fossero dubbi sulle sue intenzioni, fece dar sui tamburi per tutta la città. Lui stesso, mentre gli preparavano il pranzo, andò a vedere che incavalcassero i cannoni, spiegassero le insegne e l'orifiamma e caricassero un bel po' di munizioni sia da battaglia sia da colazione.
A pranzo, distribuì gli incarichi. Per suo decreto, il signor Brendoloni fu posto al comando dell'avanguardia, alla quale furono assegnati sedicimilaquattordici archibusieri e trentacinquemila venturieri e undici.
Al comando delle artiglierie fu posto il gran scudiero Gonfianuvole e l'armamento fu di novecentoquattordici grossi pezzi di bronzo, tra cannoni, doppi cannoni, basilischi, serpentine, colubrine, bombarde, falconi, passavolanti, colubrine leggere e così via. La retroguardia fu affidata al duca Raschiadenari. Il grosso dell'armata restò al comando del re e dei principi del reame.
Cosi sommariamente ordinati, prima di muovere, mandarono avanti trecento cavalleggeri al comando del capitano Mangiavento, per esplorare la contrada e vedere se vi fosse apparecchiata una qualche imboscata. Ma costoro, dopo aver cercato per ogni dove, tornarono a dire che non c'erano imboscate né assembramenti e che tutto il paese era calmo e silenzioso.
Udito questo, Picrocolo ordinò di marciare alla svelta, ognuno con le sue bandiere.
Così, senz'ordine né misura, si misero per i campi alla rinfusa, seminando guasti e distruzione sul loro passaggio, non risparmiando né il povero né il ricco, né luogo alcuno, sacro o profano. Razziavano buoi, vacche, tori, vitelli, pecore, montoni, capre e caproni, galline, capponi, pollastri, anitre, papere, oche, maiali, scrofe, porcellini; abbacchiavano le noci, saccheggiavano le vigne sradicandone i ceppi, sbattevano giù tutta la frutta dagli alberi. Insomma un finimondo, una rovina mai vista. E non trovarono nessuno che li fermasse, ché anzi tutti si rendevano a discrezione, supplicando di essere trattati più umanamente in considerazione che essi erano sempre stati buoni vicini e che mai avevano commesso violenza o oltraggio contro di loro da dover essere tutto a un tratto così tribolati; e che Dio certamente li avrebbe ben presto puniti. «Ma noi» rispondevano quelli, «non è che vogliamo farvi del male. Noi vogliamo soltanto insegnarvi a mangiar le focacce».
CAPITOLO XXVII
Come un monaco di Seuillé salvò l'orto dell'Abbazia dal sacco dei nemici
Tanto fecero e disfecero, rubando e saccheggiando, che arrivarono a Seuillé; spogliarono uomini e donne e presero su tutto quanto poterono, nulla trovando troppo caldo per loro né troppo pesante.
Sebbene in quasi tutte le case vi fosse la peste, essi entravano dovunque, razziando a man bassa e a nessuno ne incolse malanno: fatto abbastanza straordinario, dal momento che curati, vicari, predicatori, medici, chirurghi e farmacisti, per aver visitato, medicato, guarito, consolato e consigliato gli infermi, erano tutti morti per contagio, mentre a questi demòni, predoni e assassini, non capitò alcun male. Donde avvien tutto questo, o signori? Pensateci, per favore.
Saccheggiato così l'intero borgo, tutti accorsero all'Abbazia con orrendo tumulto, ma la trovarono ben recintata e chiusa, per cui il grosso dell'armata tirò diritto verso il guado di Veda, salvo sette compagnie di fantaccini e duecento lance che si fermarono là e demolirono il muro di cinta per depredare la vigna.
I monaci, poveri diavoli, non sapevano a quale dei loro santi votarsi, e a ogni buon fine fecero suonare ad capitulum capitulantes84. Là fu stabilito di fare una bella processione, corroborata da bei cantici, e litanie contra hostium insidias e bei responsori pro pace.
Ma c'era a quel tempo nell'Abbazia di Seuillé un monaco claustrale chiamato fra Giovanni De' Battitori: giovane, ben fatto, pimpante, di umor faceto, scaltro, valente, risoluto, alto, asciutto, di naso autorevole, gran parlatore, gran sbrigapreghiere, grandissimo sbrigamesse e scampavigilie; insomma e per farla breve un monaco se mai ve ne furono da quando il mondo monacante monacò la monacheria; per il resto, chierico fino ai denti in fatto di breviario.
Questo monaco dunque, sentendo il fracasso che veniva dal recinto della vigna, si affacciò a guardare e, vista la turba dei nemici che facevano strazio del vigneto, come dire di tutto il bere di un'annata sana, tornò nel coro dove gli altri frati, storditi come tanti fonditori di campane, badavano a cantare Ini, min, pe, ne, ne, ne, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i, tni, i, mi, co, o, ne, no, o, o, ne, no, no, rum, ne, num, num85.
«La Merdonna!» esclamò fra Giovanni. «Che bella merlodia! Sangue di Dio, ma perché non cantate
Addio, panieri, vendemmiato è già?
«Che il diavolo mi porti se quelli non sono nella nostra vigna a strappare grappoli e ceppi con tanto zelo che per quattro anni, corpo di Dio, non ci sarà più verso di raspollarne un chicco! Sangue di Giuda! E noi, intanto, cosa berremo? Signore Iddio, da mihi potum!»
Allora, fu il Priore del convento a parlare:
«Cosa cerca qui questo ubriacone? In prigione! Via di qua! Cacciatelo dentro. Turbare così il servizio divino!»
«E il servizio del vino?» disse il monaco. «Vediamo intanto che non sia turbato quello; perché anche a voi Monsignor Priore nostro, piace berne del migliore, com'è costume d'ogni uomo dabbene. Nobile uomo non è chi odia il buon vino: è un apoftegma monacale. Ma questi responsori che cantate qui, per Dio, sono proprio fuori stagione.
«Per qual motivo credete voi che le nostre ore86 siano così corte in tempo di messi e di vendemmia e così lunghe invece per l'Avvento e per tutto l'inverno? Il defunto frate Pelosso Macé di santa memoria, vero zelatore (e il diavolo mi porti se non lo fu) della nostra religione, mi disse, e non l'ho scordato, che la ragione era di darci più tempo in autunno per lavorare a dovere il nostro vino, e di darci più sete l'inverno per farcelo bere.
«Datemi ascolto o signori, voi che amate il vino, e seguitemi, corpo di Dio! Perché, sia detto ben chiaro, chi non dà mano a difendere la vigna, mi pigli il fuoco di Sant'Antonio se ne avrà una goccia. I beni della chiesa, oh mai più, mai più! Per quelli è già morto San Tommaso d'Inghilterra87. E se ci morissi anch'io, non sarei forse santo come lui? Il bello è che io non ci morirò proprio per niente. Perché sarò io che farò morire quelli là».
Nel dir questo, si spogliava della lunga tonaca e afferrava l'asta della croce, ch'era di cuore di sorbo, lunga quanto una lancia, tonda all'impugnatura e ornata qua e là di fiordalisi consunti. E così in bellavita, con la cocolla a bandoliera e l'asta della croce in pugno, tempestò sopra i nemici. I quali, sparsi tra i filari, badavano soltanto a far vendemmia, senz'ordine, né insegna, né trombe, né tamburi; giacché alfieri e gonfalonieri avevano lasciato le insegne a piè dei muri, i tamburini avevano sventrato i tamburi per riempirli d'uva, le trombe erano infrascate di pampini, e insomma erano tutti là come tanti sbandati. Il frate dunque balenò su di loro con tale foga e forza e così alla sprovvista che menando per dritto e per traverso a regola della vecchia scherma di Francia, li stramazzava come maiali.
A chi schiacciava il cervello, a chi spezzava braccia e gambe, a chi sgranava gli sponduli del collo, a chi sloggiava le reni, mozzava il naso, pestava gli occhi, spaccava le mascelle, cacciava i denti in gola, squinternava le scapole, sfracellava le tibie, scardinava gl'ischi, tribbiava le ossa.
Se qualcuno cercava di nascondersi tra i filari più folti lui gli rompeva il filo della schiena e lo derenava come un cane.
Se qualcuno cercava scampo nella fuga, lui lo colpiva fra l'orecchio e l'occipite e gli mandava la testa in pezzi.
Se qualcuno s'arrampicava su un albero credendo di mettersi al sicuro, lui con la sua pertica lo impalava dal culo.
Se qualcuno di sua vecchia conoscenza gli gridava: «No, frate Giovanni, amico mio, frate Giovanni, mi arrendo!», lui rispondeva: «Per forza! Ma prima dovrai rendere l'anima a tutti i diavoli». E giù botte da olio santo.
Ma era con i più temerari, i pochi che osassero tenergli testa, che fra Giovanni ce la metteva tutta, trapassando loro il petto dal mediastino al cuore o colpendoli alla giuntura delle costole con tanta forza da ribaltarne lo stomaco, sì che ne morivano all'istante. Ad alcuni percosse tanto fieramente l'ombelico che mise loro le viscere in mano. Ad altri, tirando fra i coglioni, squarciò il budello culare. Era, credetemi, il più orrendo spettacolo che si sia mai visto.
Gli uni invocavano Santa Barbara,
altri San Giorgio
altri Santa Netocca
altri Nostra Signora di Cunault, della Salute, di Loreto, delle Grazie, di Lenou, di Rivière, della Neva, del Sasso, di Tirana.
Gli uni si votavano a San Giacomo,
altri al Santo sudano di Chambery, che però andò bruciato sei mesi dopo, così bene che non se ne salvò nemmeno un pezzettino,
altri al santo sudario di Cadouin,
altri a San Giovanni d'Angery,
altri a Sant'Eutropio, a San Medesimo, a San Martino di Candes, a San Clodoaldo di Sinays, alle reliquie di Javrezay, e a mille altri bravi, piccoli santi.
Gli uni morivano senza parlare, gli altri parlavano senza morire. E chi moriva parlando e chi parlava morendo.
Altri gridavano a gran voce: «Confessione! Confessione! Confiteor! Miserere! In manus tuas!»
Così forte era il grido dei feriti che il Priore dell'Abbazia e tutti gli altri monaci corsero fuori. E quando videro quei poveri diavoli colpiti a morte e buttati là per la vigna ne confessarono qualcuno. Ma mentre questi perdevano tempo a confessare, i chierichetti si fecero intorno a fra Giovanni e gli chiesero in che cosa potessero aiutarlo.
«Sgozzate quelli che trovate a terra» fu la risposta.
Senza farselo ripetere, gli abatini, appese le grandi cappe al pergolato più vicino, si diedero dunque a scannare e finire tutti quelli già atterrati dal frate. E sapete con quali armi? Con quelle roncoline, quei piccoli mezzi coltelli coi quali i monelli dei nostri paesi sgusciano le noci.
Fra Giovanni intanto, mulinando il suo manico di croce, guadagnò la breccia aperta dai nemici. Alcuni abatini, raccolte le insegne e i gonfaloni, se li portarono in cella per farne giarrettiere. Ma quando quelli che s'erano confessati facevano per uscire attraverso la breccia, il monaco li accoppava a randellate. «Questi qui» diceva, «sono confessati e pentiti, han guadagnato le indulgenze e perciò filano in paradiso dritti dritti come una scala a chiocciola».
Così, per la sua prodezza, furono sgominate le milizie che avevano invaso la vigna in numero di tredicimilaseicentoventidue, escluse le donne e i bambini, questo s'intende sempre.
E nemmeno l'eremita Maugis, con il suo terribile bordone, come si legge nelle Gesta dei Quattro Figli di Aimone, si comportò con tanta valentia contro i Saraceni quanta ne dimostrò frate Giovanni con il suo manico di croce, contro i nemici della vigna.
CAPITOLO XXVIII
Come Picrocolo prese d'assalto la Roche Clermaud e con quanto rammarico e riluttanza Gargamagna intraprese la guerra
Mentre il monaco battagliava come abbiamo detto contro gli invasori della vigna, Picrocolo, in tutta fretta, passò il guado della Veda e assalì La Roche Clermaud senza che alcuno gli opponesse una qualche resistenza, e poiché era già notte decise di acquartierarsi là con la sua gente e di dar pace alcun poco ai suoi furori.
Al mattino prese d'assalto i bastioni e il castello, e poiché il luogo, data la sua positura e sistemazione, era ben munito per natura e per arte, decise di fortificarlo ben bene e di rifornirlo di tutte le munizioni necessarie, pensando di arroccarvisi nel caso di un attacco che venisse da fuori.
Ma adesso lo lasciamo là e torniamo al nostro buon Gargantua, che è sempre a Parigi tutto preso dallo studio delle buone lettere e dalle sue esercitazioni atletiche, e a quel buon diavolo di Gargamagna, suo padre che, dopo cena, si riscalda le coglie a un bel fuoco grande e chiaro, sorveglia le caldarroste sulla brace, scarabocchia il camino con un bastoncello bruciacchiato col quale ha appena riattizzato la fiamma, e intanto racconta alla moglie e ai famigli storie bellissime di tempi lontani.
Uno dei pastori guardavigna chiamato Pierotto lo raggiunse proprio a quell'ora e gli raccontò punto per punto come le sue terre e i suoi domini fossero desolati a causa degli eccessi e delle rapine di Picrocolo re di Lerné: come costui avesse razziato, devastato e saccheggiato tutto il paese, eccetto la vigna di Seuillé che fra Giovanni de' Battitori aveva gloriosamente salvato, e come adesso si fosse stabilito a La Roche Clermaud e là in gran fretta lui e la sua gente si stessero fortificando.
«Aimè aimè!» esclamò Gargamagna. «Cos'è mai questo che sento, brava gente? Non è un sogno? È proprio vero? Picrocolo! Picrocolo, il mio vecchio amico di sempre e di tutta la mia famiglia che viene a farmi la guerra! Ma chi lo muove? Chi lo mette su? Chi è che lo guida? Chi gli ha dato un simile consiglio? O mio Dio! Mio Salvatore, aiutami, ispirami, consigliami, dimmi cosa devo fare. Io protesto, io giuro davanti a te – e così mi sia tu sempre benigno – che mai ho recato dispiacere a lui né danno alla sua gente, né mai ho depredato le sue terre. Al contrario, l'ho sempre soccorso di uomini e denaro, di favori e consiglio, ogni volta che ho capito di poterlo avvantaggiare. Se dunque egli mi oltraggia a questo segno, non può che essere opera del maligno. Buon Dio, tu conosci il mio cuore perché nulla può esserti nascosto: se per caso egli fosse diventato pazzo furioso e tu l'avessi mandato a me per raddrizzargli il cervello, concedimi allora forza e saggezza bastevoli per ricondurlo al giogo della tua santa volontà con fermezza e moderazione.
«Ma voi, mia brava gente, miei cari amici, miei servitori fedeli, dovrò dunque darvi la noia di venirmi in aiuto? Aimè che la mia vecchiezza domandava solamente riposo, e nulla ho cercato nella mia vita, nulla ho avuto più caro della pace. Ma adesso, lo vedo bene, dovrò caricare di un pesante arnese le mie povere spalle deboli e stanche e la mia mano tremante dovrà impugnare la lancia e la mazza per aiutare e proteggere i miei poveri sudditi. Ed è a giusta ragione, poiché la mia prosperità, il mio nutrimento – mio, dei miei figli, della mia famiglia – riposano sulla loro fatica.
«Ciononostante, io non scenderò in guerra prima di aver tentato tutte le arti e le vie della pace. Questo è ben certo».
Fece dunque convocare il Consiglio ed espose la faccenda così come stava. Se ne concluse che era bene inviare a Picrocolo un ambasciatore che fosse persona prudente, per sapere come mai egli era uscito così d'improvviso dal suo pacifico regno per invadere altre terre sulle quali non aveva alcun diritto; inoltre, che si mandasse a chiamare Gargantua e la sua gente per tenere e difendere il paese in questo frangente. A Gargamagna piacquero queste proposte e comandò che così si facesse.
E senza por tempo in mezzo, inviò lui stesso il Basco, suo lacché, a cercare con tutta sollecitudine Gargantua, cui scrisse come segue.
CAPITOLO XXIX
Il tenore della missiva di Gargamagna a Gargantua
«Il fervore dei tuoi studi vorrebbe che per lungo tempo nulla venisse a distoglierti dal tuo filosofico raccoglimento, se la temerità dei nostri amici e antichi confederati non mettesse ora a repentaglio la sicurezza della mia vecchiaia. Ma poiché una fatalità del destino fa sì che da coloro io sia tribolato nei quali maggiormente io mi fidava, mi è forza richiamarti a difesa dei beni e delle genti che a te, per naturale diritto, sono affidati.
«Poiché, come le armi son deboli all'esterno se non vi sia assennatezza nella casa di chi le porta, così vano è lo studio e sterile la saggezza se al momento opportuno non sia posta in atto e con valore condotta al proprio fine.
«È mio proposito non provocare, anzi recar pace; non assalire, ma difendere; non conquistare, ma solo proteggere i miei sudditi fedeli e le terre ereditarie, nelle quali Picrocolo è entrato da nemico senza causa né occasione, e di giorno in giorno sempre più si accanisce nella sua pazza impresa con eccessi non tollerabili da uomini liberi.
«Io ho fatto quanto era in mio potere per moderare la sua rabbia tirannica offrendogli tutto ciò che mi pareva bastante a soddisfarlo, e più e più volte gli ho inviato amichevolmente ambascerie per sapere in che cosa, da chi e per che modo egli si sentisse offeso. Ma non ne ebbi altra risposta che di sfida caparbia, nessun altro diritto accampando egli sulle mie terre che la propria convenienza a tenerle per sue. Onde ho compreso che l'Eterno Iddio l'ha abbandonato alla mercè del suo libero arbitrio e personale discernimento il quale non può essere che perverso se non sia guidato continuamente dalla grazia divina88, e per questo, per richiamarlo al dovere e restituirlo al retto intendimento lo ha manaato a me con insegne nemiche.
«Perciò, figliuolo mio amatissimo, nel tempo più breve, ricevuta che avrai questa lettera, accorri a difendere non tanto me (ciò che tuttavia per pietà tu devi) quanto la tua gente, la quale a ragione confida in te per essere tratta in salvo e protetta. L'impresa dovrà essere compiuta con la minore effusione di sangue; e, se questo sarà possibile, con gli ingegni militari più acconci, con precauzioni e astuzie di guerra, noi salveremo tutti gli uomini e li rimanderemo felici alle loro case.
«Carissimo figlio, la pace di Cristo nostro redentore sia con te. Saluta per me Ponocrate, Eudemone e Ginnasta.
«Il giorno ventesimo di settembre.
Tuo padre Gargamagna».
CAPITOLO XXX
Come Ulrico Gallet fu inviato a Picrocolo
Dettato e firmato il messaggio, Gargamagna dispose che Ulrico Gallet89, suo referendario, uomo saggio e discreto del quale aveva sperimentato la probità ed il senno in varie e spinose controversie, si recasse da Picrocolo per esporgli ciò che da loro era stato deliberato.
Il buon Gallet se ne partì seduta stante, e, passato il guado, chiese al mugnaio notizie di Picrocolo. Il mugnaio gli disse che quei maledetti non gli avevano lasciato né gallo né gallina, che erano asserragliati a La Roche Clermaud e che lui lo consigliava di non procedere oltre, per via delle sentinelle, perché quella gente là era terribilmente infuriata. La qual cosa il referendario credette senza difficoltà e per quella notte albergò nella casa del mugnaio.
L'indomani mattina si recò col trombettiere davanti alla porta del castello e chiese alle guardie di poter conferire con il re nel di lui interesse. Ma, udita questa richiesta, il re non permise che gli si aprisse la porta. Si portò lui stesso sui bastioni e di là apostrofò l'ambasciatore:
«Cosa c'è di nuovo? Cos'è che avete da dire?»
E allora l'ambasciatore rispose come appresso si legge.
CAPITOLO XXXI
L'arringa di Gallet a Picrocolo
«Non si dà fra gli uomini cagione più vera di dolore che quando, là dove a buon diritto essi speravano grazia e benevolenza, incontrano danno ed oltraggio. E non senza causa, se pure senza ragione, molti che incorsero in simile sventura, stimarono l'affronto men tollerabile della stessa vita, e quando non seppero, con la forza o con altro espediente porvi riparo, elessero di por fine essi stessi ai propri giorni.
«Nessuna meraviglia pertanto se al tuo irrompere furioso ed ostile nel suo pacifico regno, l'animo del re mio signore fu percosso da fiero dolore e la sua mente turbata.
«Meraviglia sarebbe se non l'avessero commosso gli eccessi inenarrabili da te perpetrati e dai tuoi sulle sue terre e sopra la sua gente, non risparmiando esempio veruno di inumanità. Il che tanto gli è grave, per la cordiale sollecitudine onde sempre ha amato i suoi sudditi, che a nessun mortale potrebbe esserlo di più.
«Tuttavia, più ancora gli è grave, al di là di ogni umano intendimento, che il danno e l'affronto gli vengano da te e dai tuoi, mentre per quanto la memoria può risalire lontano, correva, fra te e lui, fra i tuoi avi e i suoi, un'antica amicizia, che fino ad oggi, come sacra, avete insieme preservata intatta, protetta ed accresciuta; tanto che non pure lui e la sua gente, ma le nazioni barbare altresì, i popoli del Poitou, della Bretagna, del Mans e quelli al di là delle Canarie e di Isabella90, sempre han creduto più agevole demolire il firmamento o innalzare gli abissi sopra le nuvole che non distruggere la vostra alleanza; e tanto la paventarono nelle loro imprese che mai non osarono provocare, offendere o danneggiare l'uno per timore dell'altro.
«Di più: questa sacra amicizia tanto ha riempito il cielo della propria fama che, per quanto è grande il continente e l'oceano, poche sono le genti che non abbiano ambiziosamente aspirato ad essere in quella ricevuti alle condizioni da voi stessi imposte, stimando la vostra alleanza non meno dei loro dominî e delle terre loro. Di guisa che, per quanto è dato di ricordare, non vi fu mai principe o lega tanto efferata e superba che abbia osato toccare, non dico le vostre terre, ma quelle dei vostri confederati; e se pure talvolta, per avventato consiglio, cercarono contro di essi una qualche novità, non appena udito il nome e la ragione della vostra alleanza subito desistettero dall'impresa.
«Qual furia dunque ti muove – spezzata ogni intesa, violato ogni diritto, ogni amicizia calpestata – a invadere ostilmente le terre del mio signore, senza che mai offesa alcuna ti venisse da lui o dai suoi, né danno alcuno né provocazione? Dov'è la fede? Dov'è la legge? Dov'è la ragione? Dov'è l'umanità? Dov'è il timor di Dio? Credi tu che simili oltraggi restino celati agli spiriti eterni e a quel Dio sovrano che è giusto remuneratore delle opere nostre? Se lo credi ti inganni, poiché tutte le cose verranno al suo giudizio. O è forse per fatalità di destino o influsso d'astri che la tua prosperità e la tua pace pervengano a ineluttabile fine? Così è del volgere e perire di tutte le cose, le quali, giunte che siano al loro punto supremo, rovinano, non potendo in tale stato dimorare a lungo. È la fine di tutti coloro che non sanno con temperanza e ragione, moderare le proprie fortune.
«Ma se così era scritto, se è giunta l'ora in cui la tua prosperità e la tua pace debbono aver fine, perché mai dovrebbe questo accadere a danno del mio re, del tuo fedele alleato, di colui in grazia del quale consolidasti il tuo regno? Se la tua casa doveva precipitare, era proprio necessario che le sue rovine cadessero sui focolari di colui che ne aveva accresciuto lo splendore? La cosa è tanto al di là dei limiti della ragione, tanto aberrante dal senso comune che a stento può essere da umano intendimento concepita, e resterà incredibile fra gli stranieri, fintanto che i fatti accertati e testimoniati non mostrino loro che nulla v'ha di santo o di sacro per coloro che si allontanarono da Dio e dalla ragione per seguire le loro perverse passioni.
«Se qualcosa avessimo tentato a danno dei tuoi sudditi e dei tuoi dominî o in favore di chi ti è nemico, se avessimo mancato di sovvenirti in qualche tua occorrenza, se per parte nostra il tuo nome fosse stato infamato e il tuo onore ferito, o per dir meglio, se lo spirito calunniatore, nell'intento di spingerti al male, avesse, con fallaci parvenze e ingannevoli fantasmi, insinuato nella tua mente che noi abbiamo commesso verso di te cose non degne della nostra antica amicizia, tu avresti dovuto, primieramente, ricercare la verità, quindi ammonircene, e noi tosto ti avremmo data così completa soddisfazione che tu avresti avuto pienamente motivo di sentirtene pago. Ma, eterno Iddio! qual è finalmente il tuo proposito? Vorresti tu, come bieco tiranno, saccheggiare e distruggere il regno del mio sovrano? L'hai forse sperimentato tanto ignavo e sciocco che non voglia o tanto scarso d'uomini, di denaro, di senno e d'arte militare che non possa resistere ai tuoi perfidi assalti?
«Vattene dunque di qua senza indugi e fa che domani tu sia rientrato per sempre nel tuo regno senza che s'abbiano a lamentare tumulti e violenze per via. Per i danni portati in queste terre pagherai mille bisanti d'oro. Una metà la consegnerai domani, l'altra metà la pagherai alle idi del veniente maggio, lasciandoci frattanto in ostaggio i duchi di Mangiamorchia delle Mole, di Culobasso e di Cianciafruscola, insieme al principe Grattatina e al Visconte delle Piattole».
CAPITOLO XXXII
Come Gargamagna, per conseguire la pace, fece restituire le focacce
E qui si tacque il nostro bravo Gallet. Ma la risposta di Picrocolo a tutto il suo argomentare non fu lunga né chiara.
«Veniteli a prendere» gridò. «Vi aspettano con le balle piene, piene di focacce, per voi, un po' rotte, ma sempre buone da mangiare con l'uva. Venite, venite».
Tornato dunque da Gargamagna, Gallet lo trovò inginocchiato a capo chino, in un angolo del suo gabinetto, pregando Dio che volesse temperare la collera di Picrocolo e rimetterlo sulla via della ragione senza dovervelo ricondurre a forza. Ma come vide Gallet di ritorno prontamente si levò.
«Oh amico mio, amico mio, che notizie mi porti?»
«Il mondo va a rovescio» sospirò il buon Gallet. «Quell'uomo è impazzito e abbandonato da Dio».
«Capisco, amico mio, ma che ragioni avanza per giustificare i suoi eccessi?»
«Nessuna ragione. Salvo che ha baccagliato qualcosa di balle e di focacce. Pensate che qualcuno possa aver recato offesa ai focacceri di Lerné?»
«Devo saperlo» disse Gargamagna. «Devo saperlo con sicurezza, prima di prendere altre decisioni».
Mandò per indagini e conobbe che le cose stavano appunto così: che i suoi sudditi si erano impadroniti con la forza di alcune focacce; che Marquet aveva ricevuta una randellata in testa; che peraltro tutto era stato ben pagato; che inoltre il suddetto Marquet, per primo, aveva malconce le gambe al giovane pastore Forgier a suon di frustate.
Su questa relazione dei fatti, tutto il Consiglio espresse unanime l'avviso che il pastore Forgier aveva avuto ragione di difendersi con tutte le sue forze, ma Gargamagna concluse che, ciononostante, non gli bastava l'animo di scendere in guerra.
«Se tutto si riduce a qualche po' di focacce» disse, «vedrò di accontentarlo».
Ciò stabilito si informò di quante fossero le focacce in questione, e udito ch'erano non più di quattro o cinque dozzine, ordinò che quella stessa notte se ne allestissero quattro o cinque carrette; che una di queste (tutta di focacce speciali a base di bel burro, bei rossi d'uovo, bello zafferano e belle spezie) fosse destinata personalmente a Marquet; al quale, a titolo di indennizzo, cioè per pagare i barbieri che lo avessero medicato, veniva assegnata la somma di settecentomila e tre filippi, nonché – a titolo di donazione perpetua, franca da gravami per lui e per i suoi discendenti – la fattoria della Pomardière91.
A scorta e presentazione del tutto, fu inviato nuovamente Gallet, il quale, lungo la via, nei pressi del saliceto, fece cogliere una gran quantità di canne, giunchi e ramoscelli, ne fece ornare le carrette, ne impennacchiò i carrettieri e lui stesso ne tenne in sua mano, volendo con questo dare a conoscere che essi non domandavano che pace e che venivano per ottenerla.
Giunti alla porta, chiesero di parlamentare con Picrocolo da parte di Gargamagna. Ma Picrocolo non permise che entrassero, né tanto meno si mosse per incontrarli. Mandò a dire ch'era occupato e che dicessero pure quello che volevano al capitano e gran scudiero Gonfianuvole, ch'era appunto sopra le mura a incavalcare le artiglierie. A costui dunque dovette rivolgersi il nostro bravo Gallet, e parlò così:
«Signore, per porre fine a tutti questi contrasti e toglier di mezzo ogni pretesto per non tornare alla nostra primitiva alleanza, noi siamo qui a restituirvi le focacce ond'ebbe origine la controversia. I nostri ne presero cinque dozzine e le pagarono benissimo. Ma noi amiamo tanto la pace che ve ne portiamo in restituzione cinque carrette, delle quali questa qui sarà data a Marquet che si lagna più degli altri. Inoltre, perché egli sia pienamente soddisfatto, ecco settecentomila e tre filippi che io gli consegno, e in più, per i danni che avesse eventualmente a pretendere, gli cediamo la fattoria della Pomardière, in perpetuo e pieno possesso per sé e per i suoi discendenti e senza vincoli di vassallaggio. Questi i termini dell'accordo. E, per Dio, d'ora in avanti cerchiamo di vivere in pace, e voi tornate alle vostre terre allegramente e sgombrate questa piazza sulla quale non potete vantare alcun diritto come voi stessi confessate, e amici come prima».
Nel riferire il tutto a Picrocolo, Gonfianuvole mise le cose in modo da invelenirne l'animo ancor di più. A sentir lui, quei bifolchi avevano una paura ladra, e Gargamagna, quel povero ubriacone buono a scendere in cantina ma non in guerra, se l'era addirittura fatta sotto. La sua opinione era di incamerare focacce e filippi, di continuare a fortificarsi sul posto e di sfruttare a fondo il successo.
«Ma credono proprio» diceva, «di aver a che fare con uno tanto sciocco da metterlo a pastura con quattro focacce? La verità è che il buon trattamento e la famigliarità che gli avete sempre usato vi hanno reso spregevole ai loro occhi: ungi villano, villano ti punge; pungi villano, villano ti unge»92.
«Via via» disse Picrocolo. «Giuraddio che avranno quello che cercano. Si faccia come avete detto».
«Di una cosa» disse ancora Gonfianuvole, «vi debbo avvertire: che qui andiamo maluccio a vettovaglie, come dire che siamo scarsi di munizioni da tavola. Se Gargamagna ci stringe d'assedio, vado subito a farmi tirar via tutti i denti meno tre: io e tutta l'armata. Con tre denti ne avremo più che abbastanza per consumare le nostre munizioni».
«Storie!» disse Picrocolo. «Roba da mangiare ce n'è anche troppa. Per Dio! Siamo qui per mangiare o per fare la guerra?»
«Per fare la guerra, certamente» disse Gonfianuvole. «Ma la danza vien dalla panza, e dove regna la fame la forza va in esilio»93.
«Quante chiacchiere» bofonchiò Picrocolo. «Intanto prendiamo quello che hanno portato».
Allora fecero entrare denari e focacce, carrette e buoi, e rimandarono gli inviati senza dir parola, salvo l'avvertimento di non tornare ad avvicinarsi troppo per una ragione che avrebbero saputo l'indomani. E quelli se ne tornarono a Gargamagna senza aver concluso nulla, e gli raccontarono tutto, aggiungendo che non vi era alcuna speranza di indurre alla pace gli avversari, se non a prezzo di una fiera, durissima guerra.
CAPITOLO XXXIII
Come certi governatori di Picrocolo, per avventato consiglio, lo spinsero all'estremo pericolo
Incamerate le focacce, comparvero davanti a Picrocolo il duca di Cianciafruscola, il conte Spadaccino e il capitano Merdaglia; e gli dissero:
«Sire, oggi noi faremo di Voi il più felice, il più cavalleresco principe che mai regnasse al mondo dopo la morte di Alessandro il Macedone».
«Tenete, tenete in capo» disse Picrocolo.
«Molte grazie» risposero quelli. «Sire» soggiunsero, «è il dovere che ci manda a voi. Ecco il nostro piano.
«Voi lascerete qui di guarnigione qualche capitano con un piccolo distaccamento per difendere la piazza, la quale, a nostro avviso, è abbastanza forte, sia per la sua posizione naturale, sia per le fortificazioni volute e architettate da voi. Naturalmente, la vostra armata la dividerete in due. Una parte piomberà su Gargamagna, che sarà sbaragliato al primo attacco con tutta la sua banda. Là raccoglierete denaro a palate, perché il villano del contante ne ha. Villano, diciamo noi, perché un vero principe non ha mai un soldo. Tesaurizzare è cosa da villani.
«L'altra parte frattanto punterà su Aunis, Saintonge, Angomois, la Guascogna, il Perigord, Medoc, e Landes. Prenderanno città, castelli e fortezze senza incontrare resistenza. A Bayonne, a Saint-Jean-de-Luz e a Fontarabia v'impadronirete di tutti i navigli, e costeggiando la Galizia e il Portogallo saccheggerete tutti i luoghi marittimi, fino a Lisbona, dove troverete il rinforzo di tutto l'equipaggiamento necessario a un conquistatore. Cribbio! La Spagna si arrenderà perché non sono che un'accozzaglia di tangheri. Voi passerete lo stretto di Gibilterra e là erigerete due colonne più grandiose di quelle di Ercole, a memoria imperitura del vostro nome, e lo stretto si chiamerà Mare Picrocolino. Passato il Mare Picrocolino, ecco il Barbarossa94 che si rende vostro schiavo...»
«Massì» disse Picrocolo, «gli farò grazia della vita».
«Naturalmente. Purché si faccia battezzare. Quindi espugnerete i reami di Tunisi, Biserta, Algeri, Bona, Cirene. A farla breve, tutta la Barberia. Passando oltre, soggiogherete Maiorca, Sardegna, Corsica e altre isole del Mar Ligustico e Baleare. Costeggiando a sinistra prenderete la Gallia Narbonese, la Provenza e Allobrogi, Genova, Firenze, Lucca; e a questo punto Roma è spacciata e il Papa, poveraccio, muore già di paura».
«In fede mia» disse Picrocolo, «potete starne sicuri: non sarò io a baciargli la pantofola».
«Presa l'Italia, siamo già a Napoli, Calabria, Puglia e Sicilia, tutte da mettere a sacco, Malta compresa. E mi piacerebbe proprio vedere quei capi ameni dei cavalieri cosiddetti di Rodi95 che vi fanno resistenza. Gli facciamo sùbito l'esame delle orine!»
«Io» disse Picrocolo, «andrei volentieri a Loreto».
«Niente, niente: questo al ritorno. Di là andiamo a prenderci Candia, Cipro, Rodi, le Cicladi. Incontriamo la Morea, l'abbiamo in mano. E adesso, per San Tregnano, che Dio protegga Gerusalemme, perché il Sultano, contro la vostra potenza, è chiaro che non ce la fa».
«E io faccio costruire il tempio di Salomone».
«Non ancora. C'è tempo. Siete troppo precipitoso voi nelle vostre imprese. Sapete come diceva Ottaviano Augusto? Festina lente, diceva. Prima vi conviene avere in pugno tutta la regione: Asia Minore, Caria, Licia, Pamfilia, Cilicia, Lidia, Frigia, Mesia, Bitinia, Carrasia, Satalia, Samagaria, Castamena, Luga, Savasta, fino all'Eufrate. Poi...»
«Ma» chiese Picrocolo, «perché non facciamo una puntatina anche a Babilonia e al Monte Sinai?»
«Per adesso non occorre. Non vi basta di aver attraversato il Mare Ircano e aver cavalcato le due Armenie e le tre Arabie?»
«Come-come? Le tre Arabie! Ma siamo impazziti? E la gente poveretta? Cosa volete che troviamo da bere fra tutti quei deserti? Non lo sapete che ci morì di sete persino Giuliano Augusto96 con tutte le sue legioni?»
«Tutto previsto» fu la risposta. «Nel mare di Siria voi avete novemila e quattordici grandi navi, cariche dei migliori vini del mondo. Queste navi sono giunte a Giaffa. Là c'erano anche i duecentomila cammelli e i seicento elefanti che avrete catturato cacciando nei pressi di Segelmesta quando entraste in Libia, e in più tutte le carovane della Mecca. Non vorrete dire che non vi hanno fornito vino abbastanza».
«Sì» disse Picrocolo, «ma a berlo non era fresco».
«Corpo di un pesce e di quelli grossi!» esclamò Cianciafruscola. «Un prode, un conquistatore, un pretendente che aspira all'impero universo non può mica avere sempre tutti i suoi comodi. Ringraziate Dio che siete arrivato sano e salvo fino al Tigri, voi e la vostra gente!»
«Va be'» disse Picrocolo. «Ma intanto, quegli altri, le truppe che hanno sbaragliato quell'ubriacone di Gargamagna, che cosa fanno?»
«Non preoccupatevi che quelli non stanno con le mani in mano. Li incontreremo al più presto. Intanto vi hanno conquistato la Bretagna, la Normandia, le Fiandre, l'Haynault, il Brabante, l'Artois, l'Olanda, la Zelanda. Hanno attraversato il Reno passando sulla pancia degli Svizzeri e dei lanzichenecchi e una parte dell'armata ha soggiogato il Lussemburgo, la Lorena, la Sciampagna, la Savoia fino a Lione, dove hanno incontrato le vostre guarnigioni reduci dalle conquiste navali sul Mediterraneo, e si sono riuniti in Boemia dopo aver messo a sacco la Svevia, il Wurtemberg, la Baviera, l'Austria, la Moravia, la Stiria. Poi tutti insieme hanno attaccato in forze Lubecca, la Norvegia, la Svezia, la Danimarca, la Gotia, la Groenlandia, gli Estrelini97, fino al Mar Glaciale. Ciò fatto, conquistarono le Orcadi e soggiogarono Scozia, Inghilterra, Irlanda. Di là, navigando il Mar Sabbioso98, e la Sarmazia, hanno vinto e domato: Prussia, Polonia, Lituania, Russia, Valacchia, Transilvania e Ungheria, Bulgaria, Turchia; e sono a Costantinopoli».
«Diavolo!» disse Picrocolo. «Dobbiamo raggiungerli a marce forzate, perché devo diventare imperatore anche di Trebisonda. Dobbiamo o non dobbiamo ammazzare tutti quei cani di Turchi e di Maomettani?»
«Come no? Dobbiamo, dobbiamo. E le loro terre, i loro beni li darete a coloro che vi hanno servito onestamente».
«La ragione lo vuole» disse Picrocolo. «È una questione di equità. A voi vi do la Caramania, Soria e tutta la Palestina».
«Ah, Sire!» esclamarono i tre. «È un gesto degno della vostra magnanimità. Grazie, Sire. E che Dio moltiplichi sempre più le vostre fortune!»
Era lì presente un vecchio gentiluomo di nome Ecefrone99, provato ai casi della vita e ai rigori della guerra, il quale, uditi questi discorsi, interloquì dicendo:
«Ho una grande paura che tutta questa impresa finirà per somigliare alla farsa dell'orciuolo di latte e di quel calzolaio che fantasticava di edificarvi sopra grandi fortune; che poi, rotto l'orciuolo, non gli rimase nemmeno di che sedersi a cena. A che cosa mirate con tante belle conquiste? Quale sarà la conclusione di tante fatiche e traversie?»
«Sarà» rispose Picrocolo, «che, ritornati a casa, riposeremo quanto ci pare e piace».
«E se per caso non ritornaste più?» insistette Ecefrone. «Perché il viaggio è lungo e pieno di pericoli. Non sarebbe meglio che ci riposassimo fin da ora senza andare incontro a tanti rischi?»
«Sire, non dategli ascolto» protestò Spadaccino. «È un vecchio rimbambito. Per Dio! Ma allora rincantucciamoci tutti attorno al focolare e stiamo lì buoni buoni con le donne a infilzare perline per tutta la vita o magari a filare come Sardanapalo. Chi non s'avventura non ha caval né mula, dice Salomone».
«Ma c'è anche la replica di Marcone» rispose Ecefrone. «Chi troppo si avventura perde cavallo e mula»100.
Ma Picrocolo, che aveva già la testa ad altro: «Basta» disse, «lasciamo andare. Io ho paura soltanto di quei diavoli delle legioni di Gargamagna. Se mentre noi siamo in Mesopotamia, per esempio, quelli ci pestano la coda, come la mettiamo?»
«Benissimo la mettiamo» disse Merdaglia. «Un piccolo ordine di servizio ai Moscoviti e quelli vi schierano in campo in un battibaleno quattrocentocinquanta reggimenti di milizie scelte. Oh, e se mi fate vostro luogotenente, lo sapete: io vi ammazzo un pettine per un rigattiere!101 Io mordo, azzanno, acchiappo, meno, stramazzo, sventro, sfracello, uccido, bestemmio!»
«Su, su» disse Picrocolo, «che si allestisca tutto e chi mi ama mi segua».
CAPITOLO XXXIV
Come Gargantua lasciò la città di Parigi e come Ginnasta incontrò i nemici
Intanto Gargantua, appena letto il messaggio del padre, era partito da Parigi e, cavalcando la sua grande giumenta, aveva già oltrepassato il Ponte della Monaca insieme a Ponocrate, Eudemone e Ginnasta, i quali, per stargli dietro, avevano preso cavalli di Posta. Il resto della corte seguiva a piccole giornate portando i libri e tutto l'armamentario dei suoi studi.
Giunto a Pareillé, appreso dal massaro di Gouguet che Picrocolo si era fortificato a La Roche Clermaud; che capitan La Trippa, da lui mandato all'attacco del bosco della Veda e di Vaugaudry con una grossa armata, si era spinto, tutto incendiando e saccheggiando, fino al Frantoio Billard; e che era cosa inaudita e difficile a credersi gli eccessi che gli invasori andavano perpetrando per tutto il paese, turbato e impaurito, Gargantua non sapeva bene cosa dire o fare. Ma Ponocrate consigliò di recarsi dal signor di Vauguyon, vecchio e fedele amico e confederato, che certamente li avrebbe ragguagliati meglio su tutto.
Il signor di Vauguyon si dimostrò subito ben disposto ad aiutarli e suggerì di mandare qualcuno dei suoi a scoprire terreno e a riconoscere le posizioni del nemico, così da poter procedere nell'avanzata secondo che suggeriva la situazione del momento. Ginnasta si offrì di andare, ma tutti convennero ch'era meglio farlo accompagnare da qualcuno che conoscesse le strade, i viottoli e i fiumi dei dintorni.
Si misero dunque in via lui e Melisbatto, scudiero di Vauguyon, e si diedero senza paura a perlustrare ogni cantuccio. Intanto Gargantua si rinfrescava e rifocillava alcun poco con la sua gente e faceva dare alla sua giumenta un misurino102 d'avena; che fu di settantaquattro moggia e tre staia.
Ginnasta e Melisbatto tanto cavalcarono che alla fine s'imbatterono nei nernici, i quali, sparpagliati senz'ordine alcuno, badavano soltanto a depredare e saccheggiare tutto quanto potevano; e quando videro Ginnasta di lontano gli corsero addosso in folla per depredare anche lui.
«Signori, sono un povero diavolo» si mise a gridare Ginnasta. «Vi chiedo di avere pietà di me. Ho ancora qualche scudo. Ce lo berremo insieme, è aurum potabile103. Anche questo cavallo, lo metto all'incanto per pagare il mio benvenuto. E dopo dite pure che sono dei vostri, perché deve ancora nascere, per Dio! l'uomo che sa prendere, spennare, lardellare, arrostire, ammannire, sbranare e divorare pollastri meglio di me qui presente. E per il mio proficiat bevo a tutta la compagnia».
Detto questo, sturò la sua borraccia e, senza metterci il naso dentro, beveva assai convenevolmente. Quei manigoldi guardavano spalancando un palmo di gola e con le lingue di fuori come levrieri, in attesa di bere anche loro. Ma La Trippa, il capitano, accorse anche lui a questo punto per vedere cosa c'era di nuovo.
«A voi capitano, bevete senza paura. È vino di La Fay Monjau» disse Ginnasta porgendogli la fiasca:
«Se fosse avvelenato,
sarei già morto io che l'ho assaggiato».
«Ohè» disse La Trippa, «questo bifolco ci cogliona! Chi sei tu?»
«Sono un povero diavolo» disse Ginnasta.
«Ah!» disse La Trippa. «Se sei un povero diavolo è giusto che tu passi, perché i poveri diavoli passano dappertutto senza pedaggi né gabelle; ma non è costume che i poveri diavoli siano così ben montati; ragion per cui, signor povero diavolo, discendete, di grazia, in modo che io abbia il vostro ronzino; il quale se non mi porta bene, sarete voi, mastro diavolo, a portarmi. Mi piace molto, a me, che un diavolo mi porti...»
CAPITOLO XXXV
Come Ginnasta uccise con astuzia il capitano La Trippa e altri Picrocolini
Udite queste parole, alcuni degli astanti cominciarono a rinculare e a segnarsi con tutt'e due le mani pensando di avere a che fare con un diavolo travestito. Uno di costoro, chiamato Buon Giovanni, capitano dei Guardianuvole104, tirò fuori dalla braghetta il suo breviario e urlò: «Agios ho Theos105. Se è Dio che ti manda, parla! Se è l'Altro, vattene!». Lui non si mosse e molti della banda che avevano udito cominciarono a prendere il largo. Ginnasta se ne avvide e ne approfittò.
Fece finta di scendere da cavallo e come fu sbilanciato dalla parte del montatoio, compì agilmente, pur con la spada bastarda alla cintura, il giro della staffa: disparve sulla sinistra del cavallo, riapparve da sotto sulla destra, si avvitò alto nell'aria e piombò a piedi pari sulla sella con il culo rivolto alla testa del ronzino. Poi disse: «Per bacco! Il mio messere gira a rovescio!». E lì come stava, saltando su un sol piede con un mezzo giro a sinistra, si ritrovò in arcioni, in posizione esatta di partenza.
«Eh no!» disse La Trippa. «Questo per adesso non lo faccio. E so io il perché».
«Merda!» disse Ginnasta. «Ho sbagliato tutto. Devo disfare questo salto». E con grande forza e agilità rifece in senso inverso il gioco di prima. Quindi, puntando il pollice della destra sull'arcione, si levò in verticale e tutto reggendosi sulla forza del dito girò tre volte su se stesso. Alla quarta, senza nulla toccare, scattò in orizzontale e con il corpo sospeso fra le orecchie del cavallo, facendo perno sul pollice sinistro, eseguì il mulinello; poi, battendo la mano di piatto sul mezzo della sella, prese l'onda e si assestò sulla groppa, seduto al modo delle damigelle. Fatto questo, passando a suo grand'agio la gamba destra al disopra della sella, si ritrovò a cavallo della groppa.
«Ma è meglio» disse, «che mi rimetta in arcioni». E poggiati i due pollici sul dorso del cavallo avanti a sé, capriolò testa in giù culo per aria per ritrovarsi fresco fresco in sella; poi schizzò di nuovo in aria, ristette a piedi giunti fra gli arcioni e là, le braccia spalancate a croce, piroettò per più di cento giri gridando a tutta possa.
«Vado in bestia!» strillava. «Vado in bestia! Tenetemi, potenze del demonio! Tenetemi! Tenetemi!»
Trasecolavano quei furfanti a vederlo piroettare così. «Per la Madonna» dicevano, «questo qui è un folletto o un diavolo travestito: ab hoste maligno libera nos Domine!». E scappavano a rompicollo guardandosi indietro tal quale un cane che ha ghermito un sommolo.
Allora Ginnasta, cogliendo il vantaggio, scendeva da cavallo e, sfoderata la sua bastarda, si avventava a gran colpi sui più impennacchiati, massacrandoli a dozzine senza che alcuno gli resistesse; poiché tutti ormai credevano che fosse un diavolo affamato, sia per i mirabili volteggiamenti sia per le parole di La Trippa che lo aveva chiamato «povero diavolo». Senonché La Trippa, con la sua lanzichenecca, cercò di spaccargli la testa a tradimento. Ma Ginnasta, che era ben catafratto, sentì del colpo solamente il peso; si voltò fulmineo, tirò a La Trippa una stoccata volante, e mentre lui parava in alto, gli tagliò di un sol tratto lo stomaco, il colon e il fegato a metà, per cui cadeva a terra e cadendo rendeva più di quattro terrine di zuppa e, tra la zuppa, l'anima.
Fatto questo, Ginnasta, considerando che nel rischio non bisogna spingere mai le cose all'estremo e che a buon cavaliere convien trattare con rispetto la buona fortuna, senza provocarla o importunarla troppo, decise di ritirarsi. Così rimontò a cavallo e diede di sprone, filando dritto per la sua strada verso Vauguyon. E lo scudiero Melisbatto con lui.
CAPITOLO XXXVI
Come Gargantua demolì il castello del guado di Veda e come il guado fu attraversato
Giunto che fu, Ginnasta raccontò in che stato aveva trovato i nemici e lo stratagemma con il quale aveva avuto ragione, lui solo, di tutta una caterva. Disse ch'erano soltanto dei malfattori, predoni e briganti, ignari di ogni disciplina militare; ed esortava tutti a mettersi in marcia senza paura, che tanto sarebbe stato facilissimo accopparli come tante bestie.
Allora Gargantua inforcò la sua grande giumenta, accompagnato come già abbiamo detto; e avendo trovato lungo il cammino un grande albero e grosso, chiamato comunemente albero di San Martino perché si credeva cresciuto da un bordone che un tempo il santo aveva piantato da quelle parti, si fermò e disse: «Ecco quello che mi bisognava. Quest'albero mi servirà di lancia e di bastone». E senza sforzo lo strappò da terra, ne tolse i rami e lo mondò a suo talento.
Intanto la giumenta pisciava a sollievo del ventre. Ma tanta ne fece che inondò la campagna per sette leghe. La gran pisciata tutta fluendo verso il guado di Veda, ne rigonfiò la corrente a un punto tale e così d'improvviso che tutti i nemici di quella banda annegarono orribilmente, salvo quei pochi che presero in tempo la via delle colline sulla sinistra.
Come giunse al bosco di Veda, Gargantua fu avvertito da Eudemone che dentro il castello si annidavano ancora dei nemici. Per vedere se era vero, li apostrofò con quanto fiato aveva. «Ci siete o non ci siete?» gridò. «Se ci siete non siateci più. Se non ci siete, niente da dire».
Per tutta risposta, una carogna d'un cannoniere che stava alle feritoie gli tirò una cannonata che lo colpì violentemente alla tempia destra; ma non per questo gli fece più male di quel che avrebbe fatto sparandogli una prugna.
«Che roba è questa che mi tirate?» disse Gargantua. «Chicchi d'uva? Perdio! La vendemmia vi costerà cara». E credeva veramente che si trattasse di un acino d'uva.
Quelli dentro al castello, che giocavano a pigliatutto, udendo il fracasso, accorsero alle torri e alle bertesche e gli spararono più di novemilaventicinque colpi di falconetto106 e d'archibugio, mirando tutti alla testa. Così fitto sparavano contro di lui ch'egli credette di essere capitato dentro uno sciame di mosche bovine.
«Ponocrate, amico mio» chiamò, «queste mosche mi accecano. Passami un ramo lì di quei salici per cacciarle via».
Ma Ponocrate lo avvertì che quelle mosche erano palle di pietra e di piombo sparate dalle artiglierie del castello, e allora Gargantua, con il suo grande albero di San Martino, picchiò sul castello, demolì a gran colpi torri, bastioni e barbacani e mandò tutto per terra. Così furono schiacciati e fatti a pezzi anche quelli che c'erano dentro.
Partiti di là, arrivarono al ponte del mugnaio e trovarono tutto il guado talmente coperto e stipato di cadaveri (i corpi di quelli ch'erano affogati nel diluvio orinario della giumenta) che se n'era ingorgata persino la doccia del mulino. E lì ristettero perplessi, chiedendosi come avrebbero fatto a passare con tanti morti di mezzo. Ma Ginnasta disse:
«Se sono passati i diavoli, passerò benissimo anch'io!»
«I diavoli» disse Eudemone, «son passati di certo per portarsene le anime di quei dannati».
«Per San Tirinnanzi!» esclamò Ponocrate. «Allora è chiaro: per conseguenza necessaria passerà anche lui».
«Ma certo, ma certo» concluse Ginnasta. «Altrimenti rimarrei per la strada». E dato di sprone al ronzino, passò oltre sicuro, senza che il suo cavallo pigliasse ombra dei morti; perché lui l'aveva abituato, secondo la dottrina di Eliano107, a non temere, dei morti, né le anime né i corpi; non già ammazzando la gente come Diomede che uccideva i Traci o come Ulisse che metteva i corpi dei nemici ai piedi dei suoi cavalli, come racconta Omero; bensì mettendogli uno spaventapasseri tramezzo il fieno e facendoglielo scavalcare ogni volta che gli dava l'avena.
Gli altri tre lo seguirono senza difficoltà, salvo Eudemone, il cui cavallo affondò la gamba destra fino al ginocchio nel ventre di un enorme grasso buzzurro ch'era là affogato a pancia all'aria, né più riusciva a tirarnela fuori; tanto che vi rimase impastoiato finché Gargantua, con la punta del suo bordone non affondò nell'acqua quel che restava delle trippe del villano mentre il cavallo alzava il piede. E, fatto meraviglioso in ippoiatria, la bestia che a quel piede aveva un soprosso ne fu guarita al solo contatto con le budella di quel marrano.
CAPITOLO XXXVII
Come Gargantua, pettinandosi, faceva piovere dai capelli proiettili d'artiglieria
Superate le rive della Veda, giunsero ben presto al castello di Gargamagna che li aspettava in grande ansietà, e tanta fu la festa, tali e tanti gli abbracci che mai non si vide gente più felice. Infatti, il Supplementum Supplementi Cronicorum dice che Gargamella vi morì di gioia. Io per parte mia non ne so nulla e ben poco m'importa di lei e di chiunque altra.
Fatto si è che Gargantua, rinfrescatosi di biancheria e ravviandosi la testa con il suo pettine – lungo cento pertiche e armato di grandi denti di elefante tutti interi – faceva piovere a ogni passata più di sette balle di palle d'artiglieria, che gli erano rimaste fra i capelli alla battaglia del bosco di Veda. La qual cosa vedendo, suo padre pensò che fossero pidocchi, e disse:
«Ohé, mio buon figliuolo, vieni forse da Monteacuto che ce ne porti fin qui gli sparvieri? Io non intendevo di mandarti a vivere là». Ma Ponocrate replicò:
«Signore, non pensate che io l'abbia rinchiuso in quel collegio di pidocchieria che si chiama Monteacuto108. Avrei preferito piuttosto allogarlo fra gli straccioni di Sant'Innocenzo, tanta è la crudeltà e la sordidezza che ho visto io là dentro. Non c'è galeotto, fra i Tartari o i Mori, non c'è assassino nelle patrie galere e senza dubbio non c'è cane in casa vostra che non sia trattato meglio di quei meschini là in quel collegio. E se fossi re di Parigi, che il diavolo mi porti se non metterei tutto a fuoco per vederli arrostire: dico il principale con i suoi reggenti, che sopportano, sotto i loro occhi, tanta efferatezza».
Poi, raccogliendo uno di quei proiettili, soggiunse:
«Non sono pidocchi: sono i colpi di cannone che i vostri nemici hanno sparato a tradimento contro vostro figlio davanti al bosco della Veda. Ma ne hanno avuto una tal gratifica che sono morti tutti tra le rovine del castello, sì, come i Filistei sterminati dall'astuzia di Sansone, o come quelli di cui parla San Luca, quando la torre di Siloè li schiacciò109. Adesso, secondo me, dobbiamo tallonarli fintanto che la fortuna è dalla nostra, perché l'occasione ha i capelli soltanto dietro la testa e non torna mai sui suoi passi».
«D'accordo» disse Gargamagna, «ma questa sera no. Questa sera voglio farvi festa, e che siate tutti i benvenuti».
Detto questo, fu allestita la cena, e in più del consueto furono arrostiti: sedici buoi, tre giovenche, trentadue vitelli, sessantatre capretti, novantacinque montoni, trecento lattonzi (ovverosia maialini) in concia di sugo d'uva, duecentoventi pernici, settecento beccacce, quattrocento capponi del Ludonese e della Cornovaglia, seimila pollastri ed altrettanti piccioni, seicento gallinelle, millequattrocento leprotti, trecentotre ottarde, e millesettecento capponi grassi. Quanto a cacciagione, non fu possibile sul momento procurarne, salvo undici cinghiali inviati dall'Abate di Turpenay, diciotto caprioli omaggio del signor di Grandmont, insieme a centoquaranta fagiani che mandò il signor Des Essarts, e qualche dozzina di colombacci, uccelli acquatici, arzavole, tarabusi, chiurli, pivieri, francolini, bernicche, pizzaccheretti, vannelli, brante, pavoncelle, aironetti, folaghe, beccarivale, cicogne, granaiuole, alcioni fiammanti (che sono fenicotteri), terraioli, tacchini, gran quantità di cuscus e rinforzo di minestre.
Senza dubbio le grascie non scarseggiavano, e furono lavorate convenientemente da Battisalsa, Scotipentole e Succiagresto, cuochi di Gargamagna; mentre Giannotto, Michele e Scolapinte apprestavano le bevande in modo egregio.
CAPITOLO XXXVIII
Come Gargantua mangiò in insalata sei pellegrini
L'argomento esige che qui si dia conto di quel che accadde a sei pellegrini che venivano da San Sebastiano presso Nantes, i quali, per paura dei nemici, si erano nascosti nell'orto e si erano coricati su di un mucchio di gambi di piselli, fra cavoli e lattughe, per passarvi la notte.
Gargantua che si sentiva un po' di riscaldo domandò se si potevano avere delle lattughe per farne un'insalata prima di cena, e come gli fu detto che c'erano e che erano le più belle lattughe del paese, grandi come l'albero delle noci, volle andarsele a prendere lui stesso, e ne colse quante gliene servivano.
In una con le lattughe, se ne portò nel mannello anche i sei pellegrini, i quali, per la gran paura, non osarono parlare e nemmeno tossire. Messi però allo sciacquo sotto la fontana, si consultarono fra loro a bassa voce:
«E adesso che facciamo?»
«Qui affogheremo tutti fra queste lattughe».
«Perché non parliamo?»
«Perché non ci facciamo sentire?»
«Già! E se ci ammazza come spioni?»
Mentre loro indugiavano in questi ragionamenti, Gargantua versava il tutto dentro una terrina della casa più grande della botte di Cisteaux110, e aggiuntovi l'olio, il sale e l'aceto, s'era messo a mangiare l'insalata come rinfrescante – diceva – prima di cena. E già di pellegrini ne aveva ingoiati cinque.
Il sesto era ancora nel piatto, tutto coperto da una foglia di lattuga, salvo il bastone che ne spuntava fuori.
«Guarda» disse Gargamagna indicandolo al figlio, «dev'essere un corno di lumaca. Non la mangiare».
«Perché?» disse Gargantua, pizzicando la punta del bastone. «Le lumache sono buone per tutto il mese». E tirato su il pellegrino lo succhiò di gran gusto. Poi ci bevve sopra una formidabile gorgata di Pinot e tutti rimasero in attesa che si apprestasse la cena.
I pellegrini, così infornati, si tenevano del loro meglio alla larga dalla morsa delle mole. Essi pensavano di essere stati gettati in una qualche orrenda segreta, e quando Gargantua tirò giù la gran sorsata credettero di affogare là dentro, che anzi la rapida del vino li travolse fin quasi negli abissi dello stomaco. Tuttavia, saltando sui loro bastoni, come fanno i michelotti111, si misero in salvo alle falde della dentatura. Ma uno di loro, per disgrazia, saggiando il paese col bastone per accertarsi d'essere al sicuro, incappò bruscamente nella cavità di un dente cariato e diede proprio sul nervo della mandibola, per cui Gargantua sentì un male del diavolo e si mise a gridare per lo spasimo. Poi, per alleviare il dolore, chiamò che gli portassero il suo stuzzicadenti; uscì con quello sotto il noce corviero112 e là, signori pellegrini, vi sloggiò.
Uno lo arrapò per le gambe, uno per le spalle, un altro per la borsa, un altro per la bisaccia, un altro per la sciarpa; e quello sciagurato che lo aveva ferito con il bordone fu uncinato per la braghetta. La qual cosa, peraltro, gli tornò a gran sollievo perché n'ebbe squarciato un bubbone purulento che lo martoriava fin da quando erano passati per Ancenys.
E così i pellegrini sfrattati se la squagliarono di buon trotto attraverso il frutteto, e il dolore si calmò.
Fu allora che Eudemone chiamò per la cena, poiché tutto era pronto.
«Prima» disse Gargantua, «devo andare a pisciare il mio malanno». E pisciò tanto gloriosamente che tagliò la strada ai pellegrini, i quali furon costretti a traversare a guado quella orribile gora. Più oltre, in aperta campagna passando ai margini del bosco della Touche, tutti, all'infuori di Fournillier, caddero in una trappola apparecchiata per acchiappare i lupi con l'esca; e ne scamparono grazie all'abilità del detto Fournillier che spezzò tutti i lacci e i cordami. Usciti di là, per il resto della notte, trovarono asilo in un capanno presso Couldrai, e qui furono riconfortati dalle buone parole di uno di loro chiamato Quimistò, il quale mostrò come tutta l'avventura fosse stata predetta nei salmi di Davide.
«Cum exurgerent homines in nos» spiegava, «forte vivos deglutissent nos, che è quando fummo mangiati in insalata con l'olio e l'aceto; cum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos, cioè quando tirò giù la gran sorsata; torrentem pertransivit anima nostra, cioè quando attraversammo il gran canale; forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem, che per l'appunto è l'acqua della sua pisciata che ci tagliò la strada; Benedictus Dominus, qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum. Anima nostra, sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium, che corrisponde a quando cascammo nella trappola; laqueus contritus est da Fournillier, et nos liberati sumus. Adjutorium nostrum, eccetera eccetera»113.
CAPITOLO XXXIX
Come il monaco fu festeggiato da Gargantua e i bei discorsi che egli tenne a tavola
Quando Gargantua fu seduto a tavola e i primi piatti furono spolverati, Gargamagna cominciò a raccontare l'origine e la ragione della guerra insorta fra Picrocolo e lui, e venne così a parlare di fra Giovanni de' Battitori e del suo trionfo nella difesa del vigneto dell'Abbazia: un'impresa, diceva, la cui fama avrebbe oscurato le gesta di Camillo, di Scipione, di Pompeo, di Cesare e di Temistocle.
Allora Gargantua ordinò che qualcuno andasse immediatamente a cercar questo frate per potersi consultare con lui su quello che restava da fare. Per voto unanime, fu il maggiordomo che l'andò a cercare, e il frate lo seguì allegramente sulla mula di Gargamagna, con il suo bravo manico di croce. All'arrivo, mille carezze, mille abbracci, effusioni a non finire.
«Oilà, fra Giovanni, amico mio!»
«Fra Giovanni, mio grande fratello!»
«Diavolaccio d'un frate!»
«Qua che ti abbracci!»
«Qua, coglionaccio, che devo romperti le reni a furia di abbracci!» E fra Giovanni a gongolare. Né mai si vide uomo più amabile ed espansivo di lui.
«Qua, qua» disse Gargantua, «uno sgabello qui vicino a me, da questa parte».
«Ben volentieri» disse il monaco, «se così piace a voi. Paggio, dell'acqua. Versa, ragazzo, versa: mi rinfresca il fegato. Dà qua che mi gargarizzo».
«Deposita cappa»114 disse Ginnasta, «dai, tiriamo via questa tonaca».
«No, per Dio!» replicò il monaco. «Sappiate, mio cavaliere, che c'è un capitolo, in statutis ordinis, il quale non approverebbe una cosa simile»115.
«Merda!» disse Ginnasta. «Merda al vostro capitolo. Questa tonaca vi rompe le spalle. Tiratela giù».
«Amico» disse il monaco, «ti prego di lasciarla dov'è, perché io, per conto mio, ci bevo ancora meglio: a sentirmela addosso, il mio corpo si rallegra tutto. E poi, se me la tolgo, questi signori paggi ne fanno tante giarrettiere, come già mi è successo una volta a Coulaines. Inoltre mi passerebbe del tutto l'appetito. Se invece mi siedo a tavola con questa divisa, allora sì, per Dio, che bevo a te e al tuo cavallo e allegramente. Che Dio preservi dal male la compagnia! Ho già cenato, ma non per questo mangerò di meno. Ho lo stomaco lastricato, profondo come la botte di San Benedetto116 e sempre aperto come la borsa di un avvocato. Di tutti i pesci tranne la tinca prendete l'ala della pernice, oppure la coscia di suor Berenice117. Perché, non è forse spiritoso morire con il cazzo dritto?118 Il nostro priore va matto per il bianco del cappone».
«Allora» disse Ginnasta, «non somiglia per niente alla volpe. La volpe, quando prende un cappone, una gallina, un pollo, il bianco non lo mangia mai».
«La ragione?» chiese il monaco.
«La ragione è che non ha cuciniere che glielo cuocia, e se non è cotto a dovere, rimane rosso, non bianco. Carne rossa, carne mal cotta. A parte i gamberi e i granchi che al fuoco si cardinalizzano».
«Baldoria di Dio!» rise il monaco. «Ma allora la testa dell'infermiere della nostra Abbazia, che ha gli occhi rossi come una ciotola di ontano, non ha ancora finito di cuocere. Ottimo per la gotta questo cosciotto di lepre119. Ma a proposito di cazzuole120, perché le cosce di una damigella sono sempre fresche?»
«Di questo problema non vi è cenno in Aristotele» disse Gargantua, «né in Alessandro d'Afrodisia né in Plutarco».
«Le cause» disse il monaco, «sono tre: le stesse per le quali qualsiasi luogo si mantiene naturaliter sempre fresco: Primum perché vi sfocia e trascorre un ruscello: secundum perché il sito è ombreggiato, oscuro e tenebroso e mai non vi batte il sole; in terzo luogo perché è diuturnamente arieggiato dai venti del buco di tramontana, dal vento di camicia e per di più dal vento di braghetta. E con allegria. Paggio, da bere. Crac, crac, crac121. Quanto è buono il buon Dio che ci abbona questo buon vino! Giuro davanti a lui che se fossi vissuto al tempo di Gesù Cristo, avrei fatto io buona guardia nell'orto degli ulivi per non farlo prendere dai Giudei. E il diavolo mi porti se non avrei tagliato i garretti a quei signori apostoli che, dopo aver cenato ben bene, alzarono i tacchi tanto vigliaccamente e lasciarono il loro buon maestro nelle peste. Parola! Io detesto più del veleno l'uomo che scappa quando viene il momento di giocar di coltello. Ma perché non mi fanno re di Francia per ottanta-cento anni! Saprei ben io come tagliar la coda a quei cani che mostrarono il deretano a Pavia, che gli prenda la febbre quartana. Perché non morirono tutti piuttosto che abbandonare il loro buon principe122 in tanta disdetta? Non è forse meglio e più onorevole morir combattendo con valore piuttosto che vivere fuggendo con ignominia? Oh, mi sa che quest'anno non c'è verso di assaggiare un'ochetta. Amico, passami quel maialino. Diavolo, non c'è più mostarda. Germinavit radix Jesse123. Mi venga un colpo se non muoio di sete. Però... questo vino non è dei peggio. Come si beve a Parigi? Per Dio, che il diavolo mi inforchi se una volta non vi ho tenuto corte bandita per più di sei mesi: chi capitava capitava. Conoscete fra Claudio di San Dionigi? Gran compagnone, simpatico! Ma, adesso, che mosca l'ha punto? Dice che da un po' di tempo non fa che studiare. Io per conto mio non studio affatto. Nella nostra Abbazia non studiamo mai. È per la paura degli orecchioni. Il nostro abate buonanima diceva che è cosa mostruosa vedere un monaco sapiente. Non è così, signor amico mio? Magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes.
«Mai visto tante lepri come quest'anno. Uno non riesce a procurarsi un astore né un terzuolo per tutto l'oro del mondo. Il signor della Bellonière mi aveva promesso un laniere, poi l'altro giorno mi ha scritto che gli è venuto l'affanno. Le pernici, quest'anno, verranno a mangiarci le orecchie. Con le reti io non mi diverto; mi riempio soltanto di freddo.
«Io se non corro, se non starnazzo, mi sento male. È vero che a saltar le siepi e i cespugli la mia tonaca ci lascia un po' di pelo. Ma intanto mi son fatto un bellissimo levriero. Che Dio mi fulmini se gli scappa una lepre. Ho sorpreso un servitore che lo conduceva al signor di Maulevrier e gliel'ho rubato. Ho fatto male forse?»
«Mainò mainò» disse Ginnasta, «mainò, per tutti i diavoli».
«Alla salute di questi diavoli» disse il monaco, «finché ce n'è. Virtù di Dio! Cosa se ne faceva quello sciancato? Quei tipi lì godono di più se gli regali un bel paio di buoi. Non è così, corpo di Dio?»
«Ma voi sacramentate, frate Giovanni» esclamò Ponocrate.
«No» disse il monaco, «è soltanto per ornare un po' il discorso. Son fiori di retorica ciceroniana».
CAPITOLO XL
Perché i monaci sono fuggiti dalla gente e perché certuni hanno il naso più grosso di certi altri
«Quanto è vero che sono cristiano» disse Eudemone, «più ci penso e meno mi capacito dell'amabilità di questo monaco che ci ha sbalorditi tutti quanti. E come va allora che in tutte le belle compagnie i monaci hanno fama di guastafeste e son tenuti al bando come i calabroni dagli alveari? Ignavum fucos pecus a presepibus arcent124, come dice Virgilio».
«Niente di più vero» rispose Gargantua. «Il saio e la cocolla attirano gli obbrobri, le ingiurie e le maledizioni della gente come il vento chiamato Cecias attira le nubi. La ragione perentoria è che essi mangiano la merda del mondo, vale a dire i peccati, e, come mangiamerda, essi vengono relegati nelle loro latrine che sono i conventi e le abbazie, separati dal consorzio civile, come lo sono i cessi nelle case. Ma se vi rendete conto del perché una scimmia in una casa è sempre oggetto di molestie e sberleffi, capirete anche perché i monaci sono sfuggiti da tutti, dai vecchi come dai giovani. La scimmia non fa la guardia alla casa come il cane, non tira l'aratro come il bue, non produce latte né lana come la pecora, non trasporta carichi come il cavallo, ma scagazza e fa guasti dappertutto, che è la ragione per cui ognuno la sbeffeggia e la bastona. Similmente un monaco (voglio dire i monaci poltroni) non lavora come il contadino, non difende il paese come l'uomo di guerra, non guarisce i malati come il medico, non predica né istruisce la gente come il buon dottore evangelico e il pedagogo, non arreca le comodità e le cose necessarie alla repubblica come il mercante. Ed è questa la ragione per cui i monaci son dileggiati e aborriti da tutti».
«Va bene» disse Gargamagna, «i monaci però pregano il Signore per tutti noi».
«Niente affatto» replicò Gargantua. «Diciamo che molestano tutto il vicinato a forza di sbatacchiare quelle loro campane».
«Eh già» disse il monaco. «Messa, mattutino, vespro ben suonato è mezzo cantato».
«Borbottano e borbottano salmi e vite di santi di cui non intendono il senso; infilano paternostri su paternostri lardellati di lunghe avemarie senza capire né pensare a quello che dicono. Questo è prendersi gioco di Dio, non è pregare; non sono oranti, sono gabbasanti. Ma così li aiuti Iddio come essi pregano per noi e non invece per paura di perdere la pagnotta e il grasso della zuppa. Tutti i veri cristiani d'ogni condizione, in tutti i paesi in ogni tempo, pregano Dio, e lo Spirito prega e intercede per loro, e Dio li accoglie nella sua grazia. E questa è la regola di frate Giovanni. Per questo ognuno vuole averlo compagno. Non è per niente bacchettone; non è sbrendolone; è onesto, allegro, risoluto, di buona compagnia; lavora, coltiva la terra, difende gli oppressi, conforta gli afflitti, soccorre i malati, e fa buona guardia al vigneto dell'Abbazia».
«Io» disse il frate, «faccio molto di più. Nel coro, mentre disbrigo mattutini e anniversari, fabbrico corde di balestra, ripulisco frecce e bolzoni, preparo trappole e reti per prendere i conigli. Io non sto mai senza far niente. Ma adesso datemi da bere. Oh, da bere! E portate la frutta: castagne del bosco d'Estrocz, un po' di buon vino novello, ed eccoci tutti promossi a compositori di peti. Oh, ma qui nessuno mette il naso nel mosto. Per Dio, io bevo a tutti i guadi come un cavallo di Promotore»125.
«Frate Giovanni» disse Ginnasta, «pulitevi quel gocciolone che vi pende dal naso».
Il monaco rise. «Non sarò sul punto di affogare» disse, «visto che l'acqua mi arriva al naso? No no. Quare? Quia l'acqua ne esce, ma non vi può entrare, essendo che il mio naso è bene antidotato di pampini. Oh, amico mio, chi avesse stivali d'inverno di siffatto cuoio, potrebbe andare tranquillo alla pesca delle ostriche, che mai non farebbero acqua».
«Ma» disse Gargantua, «perché fra Giovanni ha un così bel naso?»
«Perché» disse Gargamagna, «così l'ha voluto il buon Dio, il quale ci crea secondo una certa forma e un certo scopo a suo divino arbitrio, come un vasaio con i suoi vasi».
«Ma no» disse Ponocrate, «lui è arrivato primo alla fiera dei nasi e si è preso il più bello e il più grosso».
«Arri là!» disse il monaco. «Secondo la vera filosofia monastica, la ragione è questa, che la mia balia aveva le tettine tenerelle, e ciucciando, il naso vi si sprofondava come nel burro, e lievitava e cresceva come la pasta nella madia. Le balie di tetta dura fanno i bambini camusi126. Ma allegro, fratello, tienti su. Ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi...127 Io non mangio mai dolci. Paggio, da bere! Item arrosti, al forno e alla gratella!»
CAPITOLO XLI
In che modo il monaco fece addormentare Gargantua e come recitava il breviario
Terminata la cena, si consultarono sulle cose più urgenti e decisero che verso la mezzanotte sarebbero usciti in pattuglia per scoprire se e fino a che punto i nemici stessero sul chi vive. Frattanto avrebbero riposato un po' per ritrovarsi più freschi. Ma Gargantua, per quanto si voltasse e rivoltasse, non riusciva a prendere sonno. Per cui il monaco disse:
«Io per me non mi addormento mai tanto bene come quando ascolto una predica o dico le mie preghiere. Proviamo, vi prego, a recitare insieme i sette salmi e vedrete se non vi piglia subito un bel sonno».
La trovata essendo piaciuta moltissimo a Gargantua, attaccarono il primo salmo e, giunti al Beati quorum, si addormentarono tutti e due.
Ma il monaco non mancò di svegliarsi a un minuto dalla mezzanotte, tanto era abituato all'orario dei mattutini claustrali. E una volta sveglio pensò lui a svegliare tutti gli altri cantando a piena gola:
«Sveglia Renato, sveglia,
sveglia Renato, svegliati su»128
Poi concionò:
«Signori, dicono che a mattutino si comincia col tossire e a cena col bere. Propongo di fare all'incontrario. Adesso beviamo e stasera, a ora di cena, facciamo a chi tossisce di più».
Ma Gargantua osservò che bere così appena dormito non era secondo le buone regole della medicina. «Per prima cosa» aggiunse, «occorre sgomberare lo stomaco da ogni superfluità ed escremento».
«Ottima prescrizione» disse il monaco. «Ma che cento diavoli mi saltino addosso se non è più facile incontrare un vecchio ubriacone che un medico vecchio. Io ho fatto un patto con il mio appetito per cui tutte le sere lui deve coricarsi con me, e a questo provvedo durante il giorno. Lui poi deve svegliarsi quando mi sveglio io. Spurgatevi pure quanto volete: io mi trovo bene con la mia piumata»129.
«Quale piumata?» disse Gargantua.
«Il mio breviario130» disse il monaco. «Perché vedete, come i falconieri, prima di far mangiare i loro uccelli, li eccitano con qualche zampa di pollo per purgarne il cervello dalle flemme e stuzzicarne l'appetito, così io, con questo mio gioioso breviarietto del mattino, mi ripulisco ben bene i polmoni. Ed eccomi pronto per la bevuta».
«Ah» disse ancora Gargantua, «e in base a quale liturgia recitate così le vostre belle ore?»
«La liturgia di Fécan131» disse il monaco. «Tre salmi e tre letture, o niente del tutto se uno non ne ha voglia. Io non mi sono mai assoggettato alle ore. Le ore sono fatte per l'uomo, non l'uomo per le ore. Pertanto, io tratto le mie ore come le staffe, le accorcio e le allungo secondo che mi accomoda: brevis oratio penetrat celos, longa potatio evacuat cyphos132. Dov'è che è scritto?»
«In fede mia non lo so» disse Ponocrate, «ma tu, coglioncello mio, vali troppo».
«In questo vi rassomiglio» disse il monaco. «Ma venite apotemus»133.
Si apprestarono carbonate a bizzeffe e belle zuppe da mattutino ed il monaco bevve a suo piacere. Alcuni gli tennero compagnia, altri no. Poi ognuno cominciò ad armarsi e a mettersi in arnese, e armarono anche il monaco suo malgrado, perché lui altra arma non voleva che la sua tonaca davanti allo stomaco e il manico della croce in pugno. Ciononostante, fu armato da capo a piede come piacque a loro e montato su di un buon corsiero del reame134 con una buona scimitarra al fianco; e con lui Gargantua, Ponocrate, Ginnasta, Eudemone e altri venticinque dei più spericolati della casa di Gargamagna, armati fino ai denti, montati come San Giorgio e ciascuno con un archibugiere in groppa.
CAPITOLO XLII
Come il monaco incoraggiava i suoi compagni e come fu che rimase appeso a un albero
Ed or ne vanno i nobili campioni alla loro ventura, ben determinati a capire come convenga preparare lo scontro e da quali pericoli guardarsi, per il giorno, quando verrà, della grande e terribile battaglia. E il monaco, intanto, infonde loro coraggio:
«Niente paura, figliuoli, e niente esitazione. Lasciatevi guidare da me e andate tranquilli. Dio e San Benedetto siano con noi. Se avessi tanta forza quanto ho di coraggio, per zio morto, ve li spennerei come tanti anitroccoli. Io non ho paura di niente, salvo l'artiglieria. Però conosco una certa orazione che mi ha rifilato il sottosagrestano della nostra Abbazia, che garantisce le persone contro tutte le bocche da fuoco, ma non mi servirà a niente perché non ci credo. È con questo mio manico di croce che farò la danza del demonio. Per Dio, se qualcuno di voi s'infratta, che il diavolo mi porti se non lo faccio frate al posto mio. La tonaca, sapete, cura la fifa della gente. Avete mai sentito parlare del levriero del signor De Meurles che sul terreno non valeva niente? Bé, gli attaccarono una tonaca al collo, e corpo di Dio, non gli scappava più una lepre né una volpe a quella bestia, e inoltre, cosa straordinaria, ingravidò tutte le cagne del paese, mentre prima era un mollacchione e de frigidis et maleficiatis».
Mentre si scalmanava così parlando, il monaco, che si trovava a passare sotto un noce per la strada del saliceto, andò a infilarsi con la visiera dell'elmo nel bronco di un grosso ramo di quell'albero. E avendo tuttavia dato di sprone, il cavallo, ch'era focoso, diede un balzo in avanti e gli sgusciò via di sotto, mentre il monaco, che per disincagliare la visiera aveva lasciate le redini e portate le mani al ramo, rimase là penzoloni, gridando aiuto e all'assassino e protestando che c'era tradimento.
Eudemone lo vide per primo e chiamò Gargantua:
«Sire, venite a vedere Assalonne impiccato».
Gargantua considerò l'aspetto del monaco e il suo modo di ciondolare.
«No» disse ad Eudemone, «il vostro paragone con Assalonne non è giusto, perché Assalonne rimase appeso per i capelli, mentre lui ha la testa rasata ed è impiccato per le orecchie».
«Aiutatemi, corpo del diavolo» gridava il monaco. «Vi pare questo il momento di star lì a far chiacchiere? Mi sembrate quei predicatori decretalisti i quali dicono che quando incontri uno in pericolo di morte, se non vuoi guadagnarti una scomunica trisulca, invece di aiutarlo lo devi esortare a confessarsi e a mettersi in grazia di Dio. Quando li vedrò caduti nel fiume e lì lì per annegare, invece di correre a dar loro una mano, gli terrò un bel sermone de contemptu mundi et fuga saeculi, e quando saranno morti stecchiti li andrò a pescare».
«Non muoverti, anima mia» disse Ginnasta. «Sta' lì che arrivo, perché tu sei proprio un fraticello come si deve:
Monacus in claustro
non valet ova duo;
sed quando est extra,
bene valet triginta.
«Io di impiccati ne ho visti a centinaia, ma non ne vidi mai uno che ciondolasse con tanta grazia, e se fossi sicuro di averne altrettanta farei l'impiccato per tutta la vita».
«Avete finito di predicare?» disse il monaco. «Aiutatemi in nome di Dio, visto che non volete farlo in nome del diavolo. Per l'abito che porto, giuro che ve ne pentirete, tempore et loco prelibatis».
Allora Ginnasta discese da cavallo e, arrampicandosi sul noce, con una mano sollevò il monaco per le ascelle, con l'altra ne districò la visiera dal ramo, poi lo lasciò cadere andandogli dietro.
Disceso che fu, il monaco si disfece di tutto il suo arnese gettandolo in mezzo a un campo un pezzo dietro l'altro, e ripreso il suo manico di croce, rimontò sul cavallo che Eudemone aveva fermato nella fuga.
E così se ne andarono allegramente per la strada del saliceto.
CAPITOLO XLIII
Come Gargantua incontrò gli esploratori di Picrocolo e come il monaco uccise il capitano Tirinnanzi e poi fu fatto prigioniero
Picrocolo, al racconto di quelli che erano scampati alla rotta, quando il capitano La Trippa era stato strippato, nell'udire che i diavoli si erano scatenati sulla sua gente, fu preso da grandissimo corruccio e tenne consiglio per tutta la notte. Qui Malmaturo e Gonfianuvole giunsero alla conclusione che la sua forza era tale da poter sbaragliare tutti i diavoli dell'inferno, se si fossero presentati. La qual cosa Picrocolo era tentato di credere benché ne dubitasse.
Pertanto, per esplorare il paese, mandò in avanscoperta mille e seicento cavalieri al comando del conte Tirinnanzi: tutti montati su cavalli leggeri, tutti bene aspersi di acqua benedetta, tutti con una stola ad armacollo a guisa d'insegna e per ogni evenienza, cioè nel caso che incontrassero i diavoli; i quali, per virtù sia di quell'acqua gregoriana sia delle sacre stole, sarebbero fuggiti e dileguati.
Corsero dunque costoro fin nei pressi di Vauguyon e Maladerye senza incontrare un'anima con cui scambiar parola; allora ripassarono per di sopra e là, in un rifugio da pastori, trovarono i cinque pellegrini, e li catturarono, legandoli e maltrattandoli come spie, nonostante le loro esclamazioni, giuramenti e preghiere. Scesero quindi verso Seuillé. Ma Gargantua li sentì avvicinarsi e ne avvertì la sua gente.
«Compagni» disse, «li abbiamo di fronte e sono più di dieci volte più di noi. Credete che dobbiamo attaccare?»
«E che diavolo se no?» rispose il monaco. «Giudicheremo forse gli uomini dal numero e non dal valore e dall'audacia? All'attacco» si mise a gridare, «all'attacco, diavoli, all'attacco!»
Il che sentendo i nemici tennero per certo che fossero diavoli veri e cominciarono a fuggire a briglia sciolta; salvo Tirinnanzi, il quale, lancia in resta, si scagliò a tutta forza contro il monaco e lo colpì in pieno petto. Ma nell'impatto con l'orrifica cocolla il ferro si piegò come se voi picchiaste con un candelotto sopra un'incudine. Allora il monaco, con il suo manico di croce, colpì l'avversario fra collo e colletto sopra l'osso acromion, e così rudemente che lo imbambolò, per cui, perduto senso e moto, cadeva come morto ai piedi del suo cavallo. E il monaco, vedendo la stola che portava a tracolla, disse a Gargantua:
«Ma questi non sono che preti, come dire frati appena cominciati. Io, per San Giovanni, sono un frate finito e ve li ammazzo come tante mosche». Poi si diede a inseguirli al gran galoppo, tanto che raggiunse gli ultimi e li abbatteva come gambi di segale menando per dritto e per traverso.
Ginnasta chiese subito a Gargantua se dovessero gettarsi tutti all'inseguimento.
«Niente affatto» disse Gargantua. «Secondo le buone regole dell'arte militare non bisogna mai mettere il nemico alla disperazione perché la necessità moltiplica la sua forza e gli ridà quel coraggio che già lo aveva abbandonato; e non c'è miglior via di salvezza per gente sbigottita e ridotta allo stremo che il non sperare più salvezza alcuna135. Quante vittorie non furono strappate dai vinti ai vincitori perché questi, non paghi di un giusto vantaggio, vollero tutto distruggere e tutti i nemici massacrare senza risparmiarne uno solo che ne recasse novella? A nemico che fugge aprite sempre tutte le porte e tutte le strade e, se del caso, fategli ponti d'oro».
«D'accordo» disse Ginnasta, «ma quelli hanno il monaco». «Hanno il monaco?» disse Gargantua. «Sarà un brutto guaio per loro, parola mia! Ma noi, per tenerci pronti ad ogni evento, adesso non ci ritireremo: aspetteremo qui in silenzio, perché ormai credo di aver capito di che razza sono i nostri nemici. Essi si affidano al caso, non al consiglio».
Ma mentre loro aspettavano così sotto i noci, il monaco continuava ad incalzare i fuggiaschi, malmenando tutti quelli che gli capitavano a tiro, senza riguardo per nessuno, finché non si imbatté in un cavaliere che recava in groppa uno dei poveri pellegrini. E lì, visto che il monaco voleva mettere a sacco anche lui, il pellegrino si mise ad urlare. «Signor Priore» gridava, «signor Priore, amico mio, salvatemi, signor Priore, vi scongiuro!». La quale invocazione udendo, i nemici si volsero indietro, e accortisi che era soltanto un monaco a far tutto quel finimondo, lo caricarono di botte come si carica un asino di fascine. Ma di tutto questo lui non sentiva niente, anche quando gli davano sulla cocolla, tanto aveva la pelle dura. Quindi lo affidarono in custodia a due arcieri, e poiché, guardandosi intorno, non videro più l'ombra di un nemico, credettero che Gargantua se la stesse filando con tutta la sua banda. Allora corsero verso il noceto il più velocemente possibile per non farseli scappare e lasciarono il monaco solo con i due arcieri di guardia.
Gargantua intese il rumore e il nitrito dei cavalli e parlò alla sua gente.
«Compagni», disse, «sento avvicinarsi i nemici e già ne scorgo alcuni che avanzano alla rinfusa contro di noi. Stringiamoci qui e teniamo la strada in buon ordine. Così potremo riceverli a loro scorno e a tutto nostro onore».
CAPITOLO XLIV
Come il monaco si liberò delle sue guardie e come il manipolo di Picrocolo fu sbaragliato
Il monaco, vedendo i Picrocolini partire così a precipizio, pensò che andassero ad attaccare Gargantua e la sua gente, e si contristava infinitamente di non poterli soccorrere. Poi si diede a osservare il contegno degli arcieri suoi guardiani, i quali morivano dalla voglia di correre dietro ai compagni per fare anche loro un po' di bottino; e continuavano a guardare in giù verso la valle dove gli altri scendevano.
«Costoro» argomentava il monaco fra sé, «non hanno alcuna esperienza di guerra. Infatti non mi hanno impegnato sulla parola e nemmeno mi hanno tolto questa mia scimitarra». E allora d'un subito la sfoderò e colpì l'arciere che lo guardava sulla destra, fendendogli di netto le vene iugulari, le arterie spagitidi del collo e insieme la strozza fino alle ghiandole tiroidi, e ritirando il ferro gli tagliò il midollo spinale fra la seconda e la terza vertebra: là cadde l'arciere morto stracciato. E il frate, girando il cavallo a sinistra, piombò su l'altro, il quale, vedendo il compagno caduto e il monaco in vantaggio, cominciò a raccomandarsi:
«Oh no, signor Priore, mi arrendo! Mi arrendo, mio buon amico signor Priore!»
E il monaco di rimando:
«Oh sì, signor Posteriore! Adesso adesso vi aggiusto le posterga, signor Posteriore!»
«Signor Priore,» implorava l'arciere, «signor Priore amatissimo, che Dio vi faccia abate, signor Priore!»
«Giuro per l'abito che porto» rispose il monaco, «che io vi farò cardinale. Voi taglieggiate i servi di Dio? E io adesso vi faccio un bel cappello rosso con le mie stesse mani!»
Ma l'altro non la smetteva di chiedere mercé:
«Signor Priore, signor Priore, amabilissimo signor Priore, signor Futuro Abate, signor Cardinale, signor Tutto, basta, basta! Mio piccolo, mio buon signor Priore, mi arrendo, mi rendo a voi signor Priore!»
«E io ti rendo a tutti i diavoli!» concluse il frate.
Così d'un colpo gli scoperchiò la testa, spezzandogli il cranio sopra le ossa petrose, mandando in aria il bregma e la sutura sagittale e gran parte dell'osso della fronte, il che facendo gli aprì le due meningi, nonché, profondamente, i due ventricoli posteriori del cervello, e il cranio gli restò penzoloni sulle spalle, appeso sul didietro alla pelle del pericranio, che pareva un berretto dottorale, nero di fuori e rosso di dentro; e l'uomo cadde a terra morto stecchito.
Ciò fatto, il monaco diede di sprone al cavallo e prese per la strada tenuta dai nemici; i quali si erano scontrati sulla via maestra con Gargantua e con i suoi ed erano ridotti ormai a così pochi – a causa del massacro che Gargantua ne aveva fatto con il suo albero di ontano, per non dire di Ginnasta, Ponocrate, Eudemone e gli altri – che già cominciavano a ritirarsi a fuggi-fuggi, atterriti e sconvolti nell'intelletto e nei sensi come se ognuno avesse avanti agli occhi l'orrendo simulacro della sua stessa morte.
E come vedete un asino, che abbia al culo un estro giunonico136 o un tafano che lo punge, saltare all'impazzata di qua e di là senza cercare strada né sentiero, scalciare all'aria gettando a terra il carico, spezzare il freno e le redini, senza prendere fiato né riposo, e non si sa cos'è che lo infuria perché nulla si vede che lo tocchi – così fuggivano quelle genti fuor di senno, cioè senza saperne il perché, bastando ad incalzarli il terror panico che avevano concepito nell'animo.
Il frate, visto che quelli a null'altro pensavano che a menar le calcagna, discese da cavallo, salì su uno sperone di roccia che dominava la strada e lì, con la sua gran scimitarra, cominciò a menar botte da orbi sopra i fuggitivi. E tanti ne uccise e ne atterrò che alla fine la spada gli si ruppe in due. Allora considerò che ne aveva accoppati abbastanza e che i rimasti dovevano scampare per recarne novella.
Pertanto, raccolta l'ascia di uno di quei morti, se ne tornò sulla roccia e là passava il tempo a guardare i nemici che fuggivano capitombolando fra i corpi dei caduti. A tutti però faceva deporre e picche e spade e lance ed archibugi. Quelli poi che conducevano prigionieri i pellegrini li mise a piedi e ai pellegrini consegnò i cavalli trattenendoli accanto a sé presso la siepe; insieme al Gonfianuvole che tenne prigioniero.
CAPITOLO XLV
Come il monaco portò in salvo i pellegrini e le buone parole che disse loro Gargamagna
Terminata la scaramuccia, Gargantua ed i suoi si ritirarono.
Rientrati sul far del mattino, trovarono Gargamagna nel suo letto che pregava Dio invocando su di loro salvezza e vittoria. Il vecchio, vedendoli tornare vivi e incolumi, li abbracciò tutti con grande effusione. Ma il monaco dov'era? Perché non era con loro?
Gargantua rispose che, senza dubbio, il monaco se l'eran preso i nemici.
«Se han preso il monaco» disse Gargamagna, «si son presi la mala ventura» (il che era tanto vero che ancora oggi è in uso il proverbio dare il monaco a qualcuno). Quindi ordinò che si provvedesse a ristorarli con una buona colazione.
Quando tutto fu pronto, chiamarono Gargantua. Ma tanto lo angustiava il fatto che il monaco non fosse là e nulla si sapesse di lui, che non voleva né bere né mangiare.
Ma ecco che il monaco arriva e fa udir la sua voce fin giù dalla porta della bassa corte:
«Vin fresco, vin fresco, Ginnasta, amico mio!»
Ginnasta uscì e vide che era proprio frate Giovanni che arrivava con i cinque pellegrini e con Gonfianuvole prigioniero. Allora Gargantua e tutti gli altri gli andarono incontro e gli fecero la più festosa accoglienza. Poi lo condussero davanti a Gargamagna che lo interrogò su tutta la sua avventura. E il frate gli raccontò ogni cosa: e come l'avevano catturato, e come si era sbarazzato dei due arcieri e come aveva ripescato i pellegrini e catturato Gonfianuvole. Poi si dettero a banchettare allegramente tutti insieme.
Intanto Gargamagna si intratteneva con i pellegrini, chiedendo loro di che paese fossero, donde venissero e dove andassero.
Quimistò rispose per tutti:
«Signore, io sono di San Ginocchio nel Berry, lui è di Paluau, questo è di Onzay, quello lì è di Argy e lui è di Villebrenin. Veniamo da San Sebastiano presso Nantes e ce ne torniamo a casa a piccole giornate».
«Bene» disse Gargamagna, «ma cosa andaste a fare a San Sebastiano?»
«Siamo andati» disse Quimistò, «a offrirgli i nostri voti contro la peste»137.
«Oh, povera gente! Ma voi credete proprio che la peste venga da San Sebastiano?»
«Eh, sì, signore! I nostri predicatori, tutti i nostri predicatori lo affermano».
«Davvero?» esclamò Gargamagna. «Davvero quei falsi profeti vi spacciano simili imposture? Bestemmiano essi a tal punto i giusti e i santi del Signore da farli simili ai diavoli, i quali altro non curano che seminare il male fra gli uomini? Similmente Omero scrive che la peste nel campo dei Greci fu mandata da Apollo; similmente i poeti fingono una quantità di Vejovi e di dèi malfattori; similmente un baciapile predicava a Sinays che Sant'Antonio manda il fuoco alle gambe, che Sant'Eutropio procura l'idropisia, San Gildas la follia e San Ginocchio la gotta. Ma io, benché lui mi chiamasse eretico, gli inflissi un tal castigo che da allora nessun graffiasanti ha più osato mettere piede nelle mie terre. E mi stupisce che il vostro re permetta loro di predicare simili scandali nel suo reame, mentre li si dovrebbe punire più severamente di chi per arte magica o con altro espediente seminasse la peste nel paese. La peste non uccide che il corpo, ma quegli impostori corrompono le anime». Non aveva Gargamagna ancor finito di parlare, quando entrò il monaco che s'intromise allegro e senza cerimonie:
«Ma di dove siete, voialtri poveracci?»
«Di San Ginocchio» risposero.
«E come sta quella spugna dell'Abate Trancialeone? Simpatico. E i frati? Come se la spassano i frati? Corpo di Dio! Voi andate pellegrini e quelli si bisbocciano le vostre donne».
Quimistò ridacchiava.
«Quanto alla mia» disse, «non ho alcun timore. Chi la vede di giorno son sicuro che non si rompe il collo per andarla a visitare di notte».
«Scarti male e peschi peggio» disse il monaco. «Se ci sono frati nei dintorni, fosse pur brutta come Proserpina, tua moglie avrà la sua brava scopata: a buon artigiano ogni pezzo è buono da mettere in opera. Che mi venga lo scolo se al ritorno non le trovate tutte pregne. Non lo sapete che basta l'ombra del campanile di un'Abbazia a ingravidare una donna?»
«È come l'acqua del Nilo in Egitto, se vogliamo credere a Strabone» disse Gargantua. «E Plinio, libro VII, cap. III, immagina che sia fecondità del pane, degli abiti, dei corpi»138.
«Andate, andate, povera gente» disse Gargamagna, «andate nel nome di Dio creatore e che lui solo vi sia di guida in perpetuo. E d'ora in poi non lasciatevi più tentare da questi viaggi oziosi e inutili. Abbiate cura delle vostre famiglie, lavorate, ciascuno secondo la sua inclinazione, educate i vostri figli e vivete secondo che insegna il buon apostolo San Paolo. Così facendo avrete sempre sopra di voi la protezione di Dio, degli angeli e dei santi e non vi sarà peste né altro male che possa nuocervi».
Poi Gargantua li condusse nella sala del castello perché si rifocillassero anche loro. Ma i pellegrini non facevano che sospirare.
«Felice questa terra» dicevano, «che ha per sovrano un simile uomo. Noi siamo rimasti più edificati ed istruiti dalle sue parole che da tutti i sermoni che ci toccò di ascoltare nella nostra città».
«È proprio quello che afferma Platone nel libro V della Repubblica» disse Gargantua, «che allora le repubbliche saranno felici quando i re filosoferanno e i filosofi regneranno».
Poi fece riempire le loro bisacce di viveri, le loro bottiglie di vino, e a ciascuno donò un cavallo perché fosse loro men grave il restante cammino, e qualche carlino139 per vivere.
CAPITOLO XLVI
Come il Gonfianuvole prigioniero fu trattato umanamente da Gargamagna
Gonfianuvole fu condotto davanti a Gargamagna e, interrogato da lui in persona sull'impresa di Picrocolo, sulla sua situazione, nonché sugli scopi che si era prefisso di raggiungere con tutto quel bordello, rispose che lo scopo e il disegno del suo re era di conquistare possibilmente tutto il paese per vendicare la ingiuria fatta ai suoi focacceri.
«Chi troppo abbraccia poco stringe» osservò Gargamagna. «L'impresa» aggiunse, «è troppo grossa. Oggi poi non è più il tempo di conquistare i regni a danno dei fratelli cristiani nostri vicini: questo prendere a modello gli antichi Ercoli, gli Alessandri, gli Annibali, gli Scipioni, i Cesari, è contrario alla professione dell'Evangelo, il quale comanda a ciascuno di difendere, salvare, reggere e amministrare il suo proprio paese e non di invadere da nemico le terre degli altri; e quelle che un tempo i saracini e i barbari chiamavano prodezze noi oggi le chiamiamo piraterie e scelleratezze. Meglio avrebbe fatto Picrocolo a starsene contento nella sua casa governandola da re invece di oltraggiare la mia saccheggiandola da nemico; poiché, ben governando la sua l'avrebbe fatta più grande, mentre saccheggiando la mia sarà distrutto.
«Andatevene dunque nel nome del Signore e siano le vostre imprese sempre conformi ai suoi santi precetti; mostrate al vostro re i suoi errori quando vi accada di riconoscerli e guardatevi dal consigliarlo in ragione soltanto del vostro profitto particolare, poiché con il bene comune anche il proprio precipita.
«Quanto al prezzo del vostro riscatto, io ve ne faccio intieramente dono e voglio che vi siano restituite armi e cavallo. Così bisogna comportarsi tra vicini e vecchi amici, dal momento che questa nostra controversia non è propriamente una guerra. Platone, nel V libro della sua Repubblica, diceva non doversi parlare di guerra, bensì di sedizione, quando i Greci muovevano in armi gli uni contro gli altri, e quando ciò sventuratamente accadesse, esortava ad usare ogni moderazione. E se guerra vogliamo chiamarla essa è pur sempre cosa di nessun conto, non tocca i recessi profondi del cuore perché nessuno di noi è stato offeso nel proprio onore. Tutto sommato non si tratta che di riparare qualche errore commesso dalle nostre genti – le nostre e le vostre intendo –: errore che avreste dovuto lasciar perdere pur essendone a conoscenza; tanto più che i rimostranti eran persone meritevoli di ben poca considerazione, massimamente essendomi io offerto, come feci, di risarcirli del danno patito. Dio, nella sua giustizia, sarà arbitro fra noi; ed io lo supplico di togliermi la vita e che ogni mio bene perisca davanti ai miei occhi, piuttosto che recargli alcuna offesa, io e la mia gente».
Detto questo, fece chiamare il monaco e in presenza di tutti gli domandò:
«Frate Giovanni, mio buon amico, siete voi che avete catturato il capitano Gonfianuvole qui presente?»
«Sire» disse il monaco, «egli è davanti a voi, né gli fanno difetto l'età e il discernimento; amerei meglio che voi lo sapeste per sua confessione anziché dalle mie parole».
«Signore» disse allora Gonfianuvole, «effettivamente è lui che mi ha catturato e io mi dichiaro senz'altro suo prigioniero».
«Frate Giovanni» chiese ancora Gargamagna, «avete voi stabilito un prezzo per il suo riscatto?»
«No» fu la risposta. «Non ci penso nemmeno».
«Quanto chiedereste per rimetterlo in libertà?»
«Niente: la cosa non mi riguarda».
Allora Gargamagna comandò che in presenza del Gonfianuvole si contassero al frate, per il riscatto, sessantaduemila fiorini; il che fu fatto mentre veniva servita una colazione al prigioniero, che intanto Gargamagna interrogava per sapere se preferisse restare con lui o tornare dal suo re.
Gonfianuvole dichiarò di volersi rimettere al suo consiglio.
«Se è così» disse Gargamagna, «tornate al vostro re e che Dio vi accompagni». Quindi gli fece dono di una bellissima spada di Vienne con la guaina d'oro ornata di bei fregi d'oreficeria, di una collana d'oro del peso di settecentomila marchi guarnita di pietre fini del valore di sessantamila ducati, aggiungendo poi al tutto, in segno di speciale considerazione, diecimila scudi. Dopo di che Gonfianuvole montò sul suo cavallo e Gargamagna, per la sua sicurezza, gli assegnò una scorta di trenta uomini d'arme e centoventi arcieri al comando di Ginnasta perché lo accompagnassero, se necessario, fino alle porte di La Roche Clermaud.
Ma appena costui fu partito, il monaco si affrettò a restituire a Gargamagna i sessantaduemila fiorini con queste parole:
«Sire, non è adesso il momento per simili munificenze. Aspettiamo prima la fine di questa guerra, perché non sappiamo a quali sorprese andiamo incontro, e la guerra condotta senza una buona scorta di denaro è una guerra con il fiato corto. La pecunia è il nerbo d'ogni battaglia».
«Bene» disse Gargamagna, «e quando sarà finita io vi farò contento con giusta ricompensa: voi e tutti quelli che mi avranno servito con onore».
CAPITOLO XLVII
Come Gargamagna riunì le sue legioni e come Gonfianuvole ammazzò Lingualesta e fu ammazzato a sua volta per ordine di Picrocolo
In quegli stessi giorni, quelli di Bessé, del Mercato Vecchio, di Borgo San Giacomo, del Trainneau, di Parillé, di Rivière, di Rocca San Paolo, di Vaubreton, di Pautille, di Brehemont, del Ponte di Clam, di Cravant, di Grandmont, di Bourdes, di Villeaumère, di Huymes, di Sergé e di Hussé, di Sainct Louant, di Panzoust, di Coldreaux, di Verron, di Coulaines, di Chosé, di Varenes, di Bourgueil, dell'Ile-Bouchard, di Croulay, di Narsy, di Cande, di Montsoreau e di altri paesi confinanti inviarono a Gargamagna diverse ambascerie per dirgli che erano al corrente dei torti che Picrocolo gli andava facendo e che, come vecchi confederati, si tenevano a disposizione con tutte le loro forze sia di uomini sia di mezzi, come sarebbe denaro e macchine di guerra. Il fondo comune, secondo i patti stabiliti con lui, ammontava a centotrentaquattro milioni e due di scudi d'oro. Le milizie sommavano a quindicimila uomini d'arme, trentaduemila cavalleggeri, ottantanovemila archibugieri, centoquarantamila venturieri, undicimiladuecento pezzi tra cannoni, cannoni doppi, basilischi e colubrine leggere, più quarantasettemila guastatori; il tutto a soldo pagato e vettovaglia per la durata di sei mesi e quattro giorni. La quale offerta Gargamagna non accettò né respinse, ma tutti grandemente ringraziando dichiarò che egli avrebbe condotto a termine la guerra con tali accorgimenti che non vi sarebbe stato bisogno di incomodare tanta brava gente. Soltanto si premurò di mandare qualcuno che gli riunisse in buon ordine le legioni che egli teneva normalmente acquartierate nelle sue piazzeforti della Devinière, di Chaviny, di Gravot e Quinquenays, le quali contavano duemilacinquecento uomini d'arme, sessantamila fanti, duecento pezzi d'artiglieria pesante, ventiduemila guastatori e seimila cavalleggeri, tutti ben ordinati nelle rispettive schiere e tanto ben provveduti di tesorieri, vivandiere, maniscalchi, armaioli e altra gente necessaria al buon andamento della guerra, tanto bene istruiti nell'arte militare e bene armati ed esperti nel riconoscere e seguire le proprie insegne, così pronti nel capire ed eseguire gli ordini dei loro capitani, così spediti nella corsa, così decisi nell'attacco, così prudenti nel pericolo da rassomigliare a un concerto d'organi o a un congegno d'orologeria piuttosto che a un'armata di fanti o di cavalleggeri.
Gonfianuvole intanto, arrivato a La Roche Clermaud, si presentò a Picrocolo e gli raccontò per disteso quello che aveva fatto e veduto, e alla fine, con parole coraggiose, consigliò che si venisse a un accomodamento con Gargamagna che gli aveva dato prova di essere il più gran galantuomo di questo mondo. E aggiunse che non era né utile né ragionevole molestare così i propri vicini quando da essi si è ricevuto solo del bene.
Quanto poi alla questione principale, egli affermò che non sarebbero mai venuti a capo di quell'impresa se non a proprio scorno e con grande rovina, poiché la potenza di Picrocolo non era tale da impedire a Gargamagna di mettere a sacco il suo regno. Ma non ancora aveva terminato di parlare che Lingualesta lo additava a gran voce allo sdegno del re.
«Sventurato quel principe» gridava, «sventurato quel principe che è servito da gente così facile a corrompersi come mostra costui, giacché io vedo il suo animo tanto mutato che volentieri si sarebbe unito ai nostri nemici per tradirci e combattere contro di noi, sol che loro lo avessero voluto. Ma come la virtù è riconosciuta, stimata e lodata da tutti, sia amici sia nemici, così è riconosciuta la malvagità e tenuta in sospetto, e quand'anche i nemici se ne servano a loro vantaggio, essi hanno pur sempre in abominio i malvagi e i traditori».
A queste parole, Gonfianuvole, indignato, sfoderò la sua spada e trafisse Lingualesta un poco al di sotto della mammella sinistra uccidendolo all'istante.
«Così perisca chi calunnia i fedeli servitori» esclamò, estraendo il ferro dal petto dell'ucciso.
Ma Picrocolo, furibondo, al vedere quella splendida spada dal fodero prezioso e così ben lavorato, disse:
«Ti fu dunque donata quest'arma per uccidere scelleratamente al mio cospetto il mio fedelissimo amico Lingualesta?». Quindi ordinò agli arcieri di farlo a pezzi, il che fu fatto immediatamente e con tanta ferocia che tutta la stanza ne fu inondata di sangue; poi fece onorevolmente seppellire il corpo di Lingualesta e quello di Gonfianuvole gettare fuor delle mura giù nella vallata.
Ma la voce di questi oltraggi si sparse ben presto per tutto l'esercito, per cui molti cominciarono a mormorare contro Picrocolo, tanto che Brancabrocche gli disse:
«Signore, io non so quale sia per essere la fine di questa impresa. Io vedo che la vostra gente non è più tanto ferma nella propria fiducia. Essi dicono che qui siamo già a corto di viveri e molto calati di numero dopo appena due o tre sortite. Inoltre stanno arrivando grandi rinforzi al campo nemico. E una volta assediati non vedo come si possa fare in modo che non ne segua la nostra più completa rovina».
«Merda merda» disse Picrocolo. «Voi mi rassomigliate alle anguille di Melun, che vi mettete a strillare prima ancora che vi spellino140. Lasciate, lasciate che vengano».
CAPITOLO XLVIII
Come Gargantua assalì Picrocolo dentro la Roche Clermaud e ne sbaragliò l'armata
Gargantua ebbe il comando supremo. Suo padre rimase al castello e, infondendo a tutti coraggio con parole adatte, prometteva ricchi doni a chi si fosse distinto nella battaglia. Poi l'esercito, raggiunto il guado di Veda, guadagnò ben presto l'altra riva con battelli e ponti volanti. E quella notte Gargantua deliberò sulle misure da prendere, vista la posizione della città ch'era in luogo elevato e vantaggioso. Ma Ginnasta gli disse:
«Signore, la natura dei Francesi, il loro carattere è tale che essi sono bravi soltanto al primo slancio. Allora sono peggio dei diavoli. Ma se gli date tempo di pensare, meno che femmine diventano. Il mio parere è che adesso, appena la gente avrà ripreso fiato e un po' di ristoro, fareste bene a ordinare l'attacco».
Il consiglio parve buono e Gargantua spiegò tutta l'armata in campo aperto, schierando le riserve dalla parte della salita. Il monaco prese con sé sei bande di fantaccini e duecento uomini d'arme, traversò le paludi a passo forzato e giunse sopra Puy fino alla strada maestra di Loudun.
Frattanto continuava l'attacco. Le milizie di Picrocolo non sapevano se fosse meglio uscir fuori e far fronte oppure starsene asserragliati dentro le mura a difesa della città. Ma lui tentò una sortita furiosa con alcune bande di cavalieri della sua Guardia e fu subito accolto e festeggiato a gran colpi di cannone che grandinavano sopra le alture, tanto che i Gargantuisti ripiegarono a valle per dar campo alle loro artiglierie.
Quelli della città si adoperavano del loro meglio, ma i loro colpi passavano alti senza ferire nessuno. Quelli della sortita, i pochi cavalieri scampati all'artiglieria, diedero fieramente addosso ai nostri, ma con scarso profitto, perché furono accolti fra i ranghi e ribaltati a terra. Allora tentarono di ritirarsi. Ma nel frattempo il monaco aveva tagliato loro la strada per cui si volsero in fuga sbandandosi alla cieca.
Alcuni volevano dar la caccia ai fuggitivi, ma il monaco li trattenne per timore che, nell'inseguimento, perdessero il contatto con i loro reparti. Poi, dopo breve attesa e visto che nessuno si faceva avanti, inviò il duca Prudenzio ad avvertire Gargantua perché avanzasse fino ad occupare il pendio sulla sinistra onde impedire a Picrocolo di ritirarsi attraverso quella porta.
Senza indugio, Gargantua mosse quattro legioni della compagnia di Onorato, che però non poterono guadagnare l'altura così presto da non trovarsi faccia a faccia con Picrocolo e con quelli che si erano sbandati insieme a lui. Costretti a dar battaglia, attaccarono con decisione, messi però in difficoltà dalle frecce e dalle artiglierie di quelli che stavano sulle mura. La qual cosa vedendo, Gargantua accorse in loro aiuto con ingenti rinforzi e prese a cannoneggiare quel tratto di mura con tale intensità che tutta la guarnigione della città dovette accorrervi a difesa.
Il frate, accortosi che le mura del quartiere da lui assediato erano rimaste completamente sguarnite di milizie e di scorte, partì con generoso slancio all'attacco del forte e tanto fece che riuscì a scalarlo con alcuni dei suoi, ben sapendo che in una battaglia quelli che sopraggiungono fan più paura degli altri che già imperversano nella mischia. Tuttavia non si fece sentire fintanto che tutti i suoi (ad eccezione dei duecento uomini d'arme lasciati fuori ad ogni buon fine) non l'ebbero raggiunto sugli spalti. Allora si diede ad urlare orribilmente, e i suoi insieme a lui. Senza incontrare resistenza, uccisero le guardie, aprirono quella porta agli uomini d'arme e corsero tutti insieme verso la porta d'Oriente dove infuriava la battaglia. Là si gettarono con grandissimo impeto sopra i nemici prendendoli alle spalle.
Gli assediati, vedendosi circondati dai Gargantuisti ormai padroni della città, si arresero al monaco senza condizioni. Questi li fece tutti disarmare, li fece entrare nelle chiese e ve li chiuse con tanto di guardie armate alle porte per impedirne la fuga, non senza aver prima tolto di mezzo tutte le aste di tutte le croci. Quindi, spalancata la porta d'Oriente, uscì al soccorso di Gargantua.
Picrocolo credette che quelli che giungevano dalla città fossero i soccorsi per lui, e da quel tracotante che era, si diede a braveggiare più di prima, finché non lo raggiunse il grido di Gargantua:
«Frate Giovanni, amico mio, arrivi giusto, arrivi a buon punto, frate Giovanni!»
Allora, Picrocolo e tutti i suoi, avendo compreso che tutto era perduto, si diedero alla fuga cercando scampo in ogni direzione. Gargantua li inseguì fin nei pressi di Vaugaudry, uccidendo e massacrando. Poi ordinò la ritirata.
CAPITOLO XLIX
Come Picrocolo fuggendo ebbe mala ventura e quel che fece Gargantua dopo la battaglia
Messo così alla disperazione, Picrocolo prese la fuga verso l'Isle Bouchard. Sulla strada di Rivière il suo cavallo inciampò. Cavallo e cavaliere andarono a gambe all'aria e l'indignazione di Picrocolo fu tale che passò l'animale a fil di spada. Poi non trovando modo di rimettersi a cavallo, pretese di pigliarsi l'asino del mulino ch'era lì nei pressi. Ma i mugnai lo riempirono di botte, lo spogliarono dei suoi paludamenti e in cambio gli buttarono addosso quattro fetidi stracci.
Così se ne andò il meschino con la sua collera. Poi attraversando il fiume a Port Huaux e raccontando le sue disavventure, gli fu vaticinato da una vecchia fattucchiera che il regno gli sarebbe stato restituito alla venuta dei galligrù141. Né mai si è saputo in seguito cosa ne fosse di lui. Tuttavia c'è chi dice ch'egli vive a Lione facendo il facchino, che è sempre collerico come prima e che importuna tutti i forestieri per avere notizie dei galligrù, fissato com'è nella speranza che alla loro venuta sarà reintegrato nel regno, secondo la profezia della vecchia.
Gargantua per prima cosa, fatto suonare a raccolta, passò in rassegna le sue milizie e trovò che pochi erano caduti in battaglia, cioè alcuni fanti della banda di capitan Tolmero, e che Ponocrate aveva il farsetto lacerato da un colpo d'archibugio. Poi li fece ristorare compagnia per compagnia e diede ordini ai tesorieri perché quel ristoro fosse gratuito. Dispose inoltre che nessun oltraggio fosse recato alla città che ormai era sua e che, dopo il pasto, tutti si presentassero nella piazza davanti al castello dove avrebbero ricevuto la paga per sei mesi; e così fu fatto. Poi fece riunire nella stessa piazza tutti quelli che restavano dell'armata di Picrocolo e là, circondato da tutti i suoi principi e capitani, parlò loro come segue.
CAPITOLO L
La concione che Gargantua tenne ai vinti
«Per quanto è dato riandare con la memoria a tempi lontani, i nostri padri, avi e antenati furono di tal sentimento e natura che, a celebrazione perenne delle battaglie combattute, dei loro trionfi e vittorie, amarono meglio erigere trofei e monumenti di magnanimità nel cuore dei vinti che non ambiziose architetture sopra le terre conquistate; poiché avevano in pregio la viva ricordanza degli umani con liberalità conquistata più assai della muta memoria scolpita o iscritta su archi, colonne e piramidi, soggetta alle ingiurie del tempo e all'invidia di tutti. Ancora vivo è in ognuno il ricordo della mansuetudine di cui essi diedero prova verso la gente di Bretagna nella giornata di Sant'Albino e quando Parthenay fu distrutta142. Voi tutti avete inteso e intendendo ammirato il buon trattamento che usarono ai barbari di Spagnola143, che avevano depredato, spopolato e saccheggiato i confini marittimi di Olona e di Thalmondoys.
«Tutto il cielo suonò delle lodi e del plauso vostro e dei vostri padri per gli eventi che seguirono alle nefande imprese di Alpharbal, re delle Canarie, il quale, non pago delle sue ricchezze, invase furiosamente il territorio di Onys e si diede a commettere piraterie in tutte le isole Armoricane e nelle regioni limitrofe. In leale battaglia sul mare, mio padre – che Dio me lo conservi e protegga – lo sconfisse e l'ebbe in balia. Ma che? Laddove gli altri re e imperatori, quelli soprattutto che si onorano del nome di cattolici, lo avrebbero miserabilmente trattato, duramente imprigionato e taglieggiato senza pietà, egli lo trattò cortesemente e con tutta amabilità; lo volle ospite nel suo stesso palazzo e, con atto di incredibile benignità, lo rimandò libero con salvacondotto, carico di doni, carico di gentilezze, carico di tutti i buoni offici dell'amicizia. Che cosa accadde di poi? Quegli, rientrato nei suoi dominî, fece riunire tutti i principi e i notabili del reame, li mise a giorno dell'umanità sperimentata in noi e li pregò di deliberare in modo che il mondo, come aveva ammirato in noi un esempio di onesta cortesia, così potesse ammirare in loro un pari esempio di cortese onestà. Così fu decretato seduta-stante e per unanime assenso di offrire a noi intieramente le loro terre, i loro dominî e tutto il reame, perché ne disponessimo a nostro talento. Alpharbal in persona tornò subito a noi con novemila e trentotto grandi navi onerarie, recando non soltanto i tesori suoi e del suo casato, ma si può dire di tutto il paese; poiché, mentre egli si imbarcava per far vela con il vento di nord-est, tutti facevan ressa per gettar sulle navi oro, argento, anelli, gioielli, spezie, droghe ed essenze aromatiche, pappagalli, pellicani, scimmie, zibetti, zibellini e porcospini. Né era considerato figlio di madre onesta chi non gettasse là dentro ciò che possedeva di più prezioso. Arrivato che fu, volle baciare i piedi al mio genitore, cosa che fu stimata indegna e non fu permessa; esibì allora i suoi doni, e questi non furono accettati perché esorbitanti; si offrì mancipio e servo volontario, e questo non parve equo e si ebbe un rifiuto; cedette allora le sue terre e il suo reame, conforme il decreto degli stati generali, offrendo gli atti di cessione e transazione firmati, sigillati e ratificati da chi di ragione, e questo fu totalmente respinto, e gli atti dati alle fiamme. La conclusione fu che il mio buon genitore cominciò a gemere di pietà e a versare fiumi di lacrime considerando la spontaneità e la semplicità dei Canariani, e con parole squisite e appropriate sentenze procurava di sminuire la magnanimità del suo gesto, affermando non aver egli fatto nulla che valesse più di un bottone e che, quand'anche avesse usato loro qualche tratto di cortesia, l'aveva fatto come suo dovere. Ma con queste parole non faceva che accrescere l'ammirazione di Alpharbal e fomentarne le lodi. E quale fu il risultato? Che in luogo di una taglia di venti volte centomila scudi – la più severa immaginabile –, in luogo della prole del re data in ostaggio, essi si costituirono spontaneamente in tributari perpetui, obbligandosi a versarci ogni anno due milioni di oro fino a ventiquattro carati. Tanti ne furono versati qui il primo anno; il secondo, di loro volontà, ne pagarono ventitrè volte centomila scudi; il terzo, ventisei volte; il quarto, tre milioni; e di tanto si dimostrarono lieti di aumentare il tributo ogni volta che saremo presto obbligati a proibir loro di portarci più nulla. Tale è la natura della liberalità. E il tempo che tutto consuma e cancella, preserva invece e moltiplica ogni atto benefico compiuto con liberalità. Poiché il bene liberalmente elargito di continuo si accresce nei nobili pensieri e nel ricordo dell'uomo d'intelletto cui quel bene toccò.
«Non volendo io dunque in alcun modo degenerare dalla longanimità dei miei padri, in questo momento io vi assolvo e vi affranco e vi rendo liberi e padroni delle vostre persone come per l'innanzi. Inoltre, all'uscita dalla città, riceverete ognuno tre mesi di soldo, per modo che possiate fare ritorno alle vostre famiglie nelle vostre case. E, per condurvi in salvo, saranno con voi di scorta seicento uomini d'arme e ottomila fanti, al comando del mio scudiero Alessandro, affinché siate protetti dalle ingiurie dei villici. E che Dio sia con voi.
«Io mi rammarico di vero cuore che anche Picrocolo non sia qui, perché gli avrei fatto intendere che non certo per mio volere fu combattuta questa guerra, né tanto meno per una qualche speranza ch'io nutrissi di espandere i miei beni e la mia fama. Ma poiché egli è scomparso, né si sa dove né come sia andato a finire, io intendo che il suo reame resti intero a suo figlio, il quale, per essere tuttora in tenera età (infatti non ha ancora cinque anni compiuti) sarà allevato e istruito dai principi anziani e dai sapienti del regno. E poiché un reame così desolato andrebbe facilmente in rovina quando non si infrenasse l'ingordigia e l'avarizia dei suoi amministratori, io ordino e voglio che Ponocrate sovrintenda all'opera di costoro con tutta l'autorità necessaria a tal fine, e che sempre assista da presso il fanciullo fintanto che non l'abbia riconosciuto idoneo a governare da solo se stesso ed il regno.
«Io considero che una troppo indulgente e corriva facilità nel perdonare ai malfattori è occasione per essi di nuovamente e con più leggerezza abbandonarsi al malfare, perniciosamente fidando nella grazia.
«Considero che Mosè, l'uomo più dolce che fosse sopra la terra al tempo suo, puniva severamente gli insubordinati e i sediziosi del popolo d'Israele.
«Considero ancora Giulio Cesare, imperatore tanto longanime da far dire di lui a Cicerone che nulla di più grande aveva la sua fortuna se non ch'egli poteva e nulla di più nobile la sua virtù se non ch'egli voleva a tutti concedere salvezza e perdono144; e che tuttavia e ciononostante, in certi casi, punì rigorosamente gli autori di ribellione.
«Conforme a questi esempi, non partirete di qui se non dopo avermi consegnato: primo, codesto bel tomo di Marquet, che con la sua tracotanza è stato causa ed origine di questa guerra; secondo, i suoi compagni focacceri che non si adoprarono all'istante a rimettere a segno la sua testa pazza; e in fine tutti i consiglieri, capitani, ufficiali e famigli di Picrocolo che lo abbiano incitato, adulato e consigliato ad uscire dai suoi confini per recare a noi una così grande molestia».
CAPITOLO LI
Come i Gargantuisti furono ricompensati dopo la battaglia
Terminato il discorso di Gargantua, furono consegnati i sediziosi da lui richiesti, ad eccezione di Spadaccino, Merdaglia e Cianciafruscola (i quali erano scappati sei ore prima della battaglia: l'uno fino al colle di Laignel senza fermarsi, l'altro fino a Val de Vyre, l'altro fino a Logroine, senza voltarsi indietro né riprendere fiato per via) e di due focacceri caduti in combattimento. Gargantua non fece loro alcun male, salvo che li adibì a tirare le stampe nella sua stamperia, che aveva impiantato di fresco.
Poi fece dare ai morti sepoltura onorevole nella valle delle Noirettes e nel campo di Brulevieille. I feriti li fece medicare e curare nel suo grande nosocomio. Infine pensò ai danni recati alla città e agli abitanti e dispose a che tutti fossero completamente indennizzati, dietro loro dichiarazione giurata; e vi fece costruire un forte castello, disponendovi scolte e milizie, affinché vi fosse in avvenire miglior difesa contro le sedizioni improvvise.
Prima di partire ringraziò amabilmente tutti i soldati che avevano contribuito alla disfatta del nemico e li mandò a svernare ai loro accantonamenti e guarnigioni, eccetto alcuni della legione decumana ch'egli aveva visto compiere prodezze in battaglia, e che volle portare con sé da Gargamagna, insieme ai capitani delle compagnie.
Come li vide arrivare, il buon vecchio ne fu così rallegrato che non sarebbe possibile dir quanto. E ordinò per loro un festino, il più fastoso, il più copioso, il più delizioso che si fosse mai visto dai tempi di re Assuero145. Al levar delle mense distribuì fra tutti l'intiera mostra del suo buffet: come dire un milione e ottocentomila quattordici bisanti146 d'oro, tra grandi vasi antichi, grossi orciuoli, bacili, tazze, coppe, bicchierini, candelabri, catinelle, navicelle, portafiori e simili, tutto in oro massiccio, senza contare le pietre preziose e gli smalti che, per estimazione generale, eccedevano in pregio la materia stessa. Poi fece loro contare dai suoi forzieri un milione e duecentomila scudi sonanti a testa, e per giunta assegnò loro in perpetuo (salvo il caso che morissero senza eredi) i castelli e le terre più vicine, secondo le preferenze di ognuno: a Ponocrate destinò La Roche Clermaud, a Ginnasta Le Couldray, a Eudemone Montpensier, Le Rivau a Tolmero, a Itibolo Montsoreau, ad Acamas Cande, Varenes a Chironacto, Gravot a Sebaste, Quinquenays ad Alessandro, Ligré a Sofronio e così via.
CAPITOLO LII
Come Gargantua fece edificare per il monaco l'Abbazia di Telème
Restava da provvedere al monaco. Gargantua voleva farlo abate di Seuillé, ma lui rifiutò. Allora gli offrì l'Abbazia di Bourgueil o quella di Saint Florent147 a sua scelta o anche tutte due se gli piacesse, ma il frate gli rispose perentoriamente che di monaci lui non voleva cura né governo.
«Infatti» diceva, «come potrei governare gli altri, io, che non saprei governare me stesso? Se vi sembra che io vi abbia reso o vi possa rendere in avvenire qualche buon servigio, concedetemi di fondare un'Abbazia come piace a me».
La richiesta piacque a Gargantua che gli offrì tutte le sue terre di Telème148 lungo la Loira, a due leghe dalla grande foresta di Port Huault.
«Mi sta bene» disse il frate, «e adesso dettatemi una regola che sia il contrario di tutte le altre».
«In primo luogo» disse Gargantua, «non vi si dovranno erigere mura all'intorno, poiché tutte le altre Abbazie sono fieramente murate».
«Certo» disse il monaco, «e non senza ragione, perché dove c'è mura davanti e di dietro, c'è un gran murmurio, invidia e complotti scambievoli».
Oltre a ciò, visto che in certi conventi di questo mondo, se mai vi entra una donna (e intendo delle oneste e pudiche) si suol ripulire il posto ove passò, fu stabilito che, se mai religioso e religiosa vi entrasse per caso fortuito, si dovesse fare accurata pulizia per tutti i luoghi del loro passaggio. E siccome negli ordini monastici di questo mondo tutto è misurato, limitato e regolato dalle ore, fu decretato che là non vi fossero orologi o meridiane di sorta, ma che tutte le opere fossero distribuite secondo occasione e opportunità; perché, diceva Gargantua, il più vero perditempo a sua conoscenza era quello di stare a contare le ore – che vantaggio ne viene? – e la più gran corbelleria di questo mondo era di regolarsi al suono di una campana e non secondo il buon senso e il consiglio della mente. Item, poiché a quel tempo non si accoglieva in religione una donna che non fosse losca, zoppa, gobba, laida, sfatta, stramba, insensata, deforme e tarata149; né un uomo se non catarroso, malato, sciocco e di peso alla famiglia150; così fu stabilito che là non fossero accolte donne se non belle, ben formate e di buon carattere, né uomini, se non belli, ben formati e di buona indole.
Item, poiché nei conventi di donne non entravano uomini se non di sorpresa e clandestinamente, fu decretato che là non entrassero donne se non vi fossero uomini, né uomini se non vi fossero donne.
Item, poiché sia gli uomini sia le donne, una volta entrati in religione erano forzati e costretti a restarvi in perpetuo fino alla morte, fu stabilito che, così gli uomini come le donne colà ricevuti ne potessero uscire quando loro meglio piacesse, francamente e completamente.
Item, poiché ordinariamente i religiosi facevano tre voti: di castità, di povertà e di obbedienza, fu stabilito che là ognuno potesse onoratamente maritarsi, essere ricco e vivere liberamente.
Quanto all'età legittima, le donne vi sarebbero state ammesse dai dieci ai quindici anni, gli uomini dai dodici ai diciotto.
CAPITOLO LIII
Come fu costruita e dotata l'Abbazia dei Telemiti
Per la costruzione e l'arredamento dell'Abbazia, Gargantua fece versare ventisette centinaia di migliaia e ottocentotrentuno montoni di gran lana e assegnò per ogni anno, fino a che l'opera non fosse compiuta, milleseicentosessantanove migliaia di scudi col sole e altrettanto di scudi con la stella gallinella151. Per la fondazione e per il suo mantenimento, destinò con donazione perpetua, due milioni e trecentosessantanovemila quattordici nobili con la rosa di rendita fondiaria, garantiti, franchi da gravami e pagabili ogni anno alla porta dell'Abbazia, come da atti regolarmente redatti e sottoscritti.
L'edificio si volle di pianta esagonale, per modo che a ciascun angolo si levasse un torrione rotondo di sessanta passi di diametro e avendo cura che tutte le torri fossero eguali per forma e grandezza. La Loira scorreva lungo il lato nord. Dal suo fondo sorgeva una delle torri chiamata Artica; l'altra, volgendo ad oriente, era chiamata Calaer; seguiva la torre Anatolia, poi la torre Mesembrina, quindi l'Esperia e da ultimo la torre Criera152. Fra una torre e l'altra correva uno spazio di trecento-dodici passi. L'edificio era a sei piani, considerando per uno le cantine sotterranee. Le volte dei soffitti a piano terra erano a croce; quelle dei piani superiori a cul di lampada e rifinite con stucchi di Fiandra; i tetti coperti di fine ardesia con rivestimenti di piombo tratteggianti figure grottesche di pupazzi e animali graziosamente disposte e laminate in oro, con le docce che sporgevano dal muro fra finestra e finestra, dipinte in diagonale a bande d'oro e d'azzurro fino a terra, dove finivano in grandi canali scorrenti sotto l'edificio e confluenti al fiume.
Era una dimora cento volte più splendida di quanto non siano i castelli di Bonivet, di Chambourg o di Chantilly153. Essa infatti contava novemilatrecentotrentadue stanze, ciascuna con la sua anticamera, il guardaroba, la cappella e l'uscita su una grande sala. Nel punto mediano di ogni ala dell'edificio, fra l'una e l'altra torre e ricavata nel corpo del fabbricato c'era una scala a chiocciola. I gradini erano parte di porfido, parte di pietra numidica, parte di marmo serpentino, lunghi ventidue piedi, spessi tre dita, in gradinate di dodici fra un pianerottolo e l'altro. A ciascun pianerottolo due begli archetti all'antica dai quali veniva la luce e aperti su una loggetta con balaustra larga quanto la scala. La scala poi saliva fino al tetto e là terminava a padiglione. Da questo, per ciascun lato, si accedeva ad una grande sala e dalle sale alle stanze.
Dalla torre Artica alla torre Criera, si susseguivano le belle biblioteche di opere greche, latine, ebraiche, francesi, toscane e spagnole, distribuite ai diversi piani secondo la lingua.
Al centro, una grande, meravigliosa scala a chiocciola, cui si accedeva dall'esterno sotto un arco di sei tese154, e così ben costruita per proporzioni ed ampiezza che sei uomini d'arme, lancia alla coscia, potevano salirvi insieme fianco a fianco fino all'ultimo piano.
Dalla torre Anatolia fino alla Mesembrina correvano splendide gallerie tutte ornate di pitture raffiguranti antiche gesta, storici eventi e descrizioni della terra. Nel mezzo vi era un'altra scala e un'altra porta simile in tutto a quelle prospicienti il fiume, come già detto. Su quella porta, in lettere romane, era scritto così:
CAPITOLO LIV
Così era scritto sulla porta maggiore di Telème
Qui non entrate, ipocriti e bigotti,
vecchie bertucce, tangheri, marpioni,
bachechi, collitorti, mangiamoccoli;
qui non entrate, puttanieri in zoccoli,
straccioni incappucciati, schiodacristi,
bindoli, gabbasanti, spigolistri,
picchiapetti, scrocconi,
cattabrighe e stronfioni:
le vostre ragne andate altrove a tendere,
non vi son merli qui per voi da prendere.
Desolerebbe i miei campi
la vostra iniquità;
turberebbe i miei canti
la vostra falsità.
Qui non entrate, famelici curiali,
che i buoni parrocchiani
mettete alla catena come cani:
dottorelli, scrivani,
togati faccendieri,
succhiasangue del popolo, officiali,
storcileggi, cursori, consiglieri;
qui non entrate, causidici incalliti,
mozzorecchi, strascinafaccende:
son sul patibolo le vostre prebende,
là i vostri ragli saranno esauditi.
Qui si sta in letizia,
qui non c'è malizia,
qui non vi sono eccessi
onde imbastir processi.
Qui non entrate, pitocchi e avari,
usurai, leccapiatti, mangiagatti,
taccagni, lesinai,
intesi solo ad ammucchiar denari,
mai contenti di quelli già fatti;
curvi e ricurvi sulle vostre ciotole
colme e ricolme a ricontare i mille
e mille e mille e a far le pile e i rotoli:
che il vaiolo vi rosichi la faccia
e mala morte tosto vi disfaccia.
Facce inumane
di simil bestiame
sien sempre lontane
da questo reame.
E se vi entrano ne sien discacciati:
i mastini infoiati,
i botoli ringhiosi,
i mariti gelosi,
specie se vecchi, bavosi e lagnosi;
i farfalloni, larve e folletti,
ogni risma di fiutafatti,
manutengoli e portasospetti;
e più d'ogni altro voi, infranciosati,
fino all'osso impestati,
colmi di pustole, croste e vergogna:
andate altrove a grattarvi la rogna.
Sano il corpo,
lieto il cuore,
qui regna amicizia,
lode ed onore.
Entrate voi, cavalieri eleganti,
entrate quanti siete e sia gran festa.
A voi prometto corsieri e portanti,
agi ed onori con rendita onesta.
Paggi, donzelli, cavalieri ornati,
cortesi, arditi, gioiosi, galanti,
miei intimi sarete e beneamati
compagni, amici, allegri convitati.
Non c'è nel mondo miglior cittadella
per starvi sani e chiari come stella.
Compagni gentili,
sereni e sottili,
per voi villania
bandita è di qua.
Di civiltà
qui son gli utensili,
compagni gentili.
Fidenti entrate, voi che l'Evangelo
santo annunciate con parola schietta.
Qui troverete ben munito asilo
contro l'error che tutto il mondo infetta:
l'error dei chiosatori cabaloni,
ipocriti e ghiottoni,
che con falsa procura,
del verbo del buon Dio fanno pastura.
Entrate. Insieme faremo barriera
contro i nemici della fede vera.
Che il verbo divino
giammai non sia estinto
in questo recinto
santissimo, e cinto
sia ognuno ed incinto
del verbo divino
in questo recinto.
Entrate entrate, voi, dame ben nate,
fiori di grazia dal viso celeste:
senza timore e lietamente entrate,
franche nel gesto e nel parlare oneste.
Qui soggiorna l'onore.
L'altissimo signore
che per voi questo luogo volle ornato,
degno, ospitale e d'ogni ben fornito,
oro molto ha donato.
Or dato in dono
dona perdono
a chi lo die' in dono
e ben remunera
il valentuomo
or dato in dono.
CAPITOLO LV
Come era il castello dei Telemiti
In mezzo alla bassa corte una splendida fontana di prezioso alabastro con sopra le tre Grazie che reggevano cornucopie e mandavano getti d'acqua e zampilli dalle mammelle, dalla bocca, dalle orecchie, dagli occhi e da altre fenditure del corpo.
La mole dell'edificio, torno torno la corte, poggiava su grossi pilastri di calcedonio e di porfido con belle arcate romaniche, formando stupende gallerie lunghe e spaziose, ornate di pitture, di corna di cervo, di liocorno, di rinoceronte, di ippopotamo, di zanne d'elefante e di altrettali mirabili oggetti.
Il quartiere delle dame andava dalla torre Artica alla porta Mesembrina. Gli uomini occupavano il rimanente. Davanti agli appartamenti delle dame, per loro svago, tra le due prime torri, all'esterno, erano la lizza, l'ippodromo, il teatro, nonché le piscine con i mirifici bagni a tre ripiani, ben forniti di ogni comodità e con copiosa acqua di mirra.
Lungo il fiume era il giardino, bellissimo, per andarvi a diporto e, in mezzo a questo, il bel labirinto.
Fra le altre due torri era il gioco della pallacorda e del pallone. Dal lato della torre Criera si apriva il verziere con ogni sorta di alberi da frutta bene ordinati a quinconce. E al fondo il grande parco pieno di selvaggina di ogni specie.
Fra la torre Esperia e la Mesembrina erano i bersagli per il tiro con l'archibugio, con l'arco e con la balestra. I servizi erano fuori della torre Esperia in un edificio a un sol piano; quindi le scuderie e, di fronte a queste, la falconeria, governata da falconieri espertissimi nell'arte loro e rifornita ogni anno da Veneziani, Candioti e Sarmati di splendidi esemplari di predatori: aquile, girifalchi, lanieri, falconi, sparvieri, smerigli e altri ancora, così bene ammaestrati e addomesticati che, uscendo in libertà pei campi a volo, catturavano tutto ciò che capitasse loro a tiro. Il casino di caccia era un po' più lontano, alla volta del parco.
Tutte le sale, stanze e camerini erano tappezzati in guise diverse secondo la stagione dell'anno. Tutti i pavimenti erano ricoperti di panno verde, i letti ricamati. In ogni camerino c'era uno specchio di cristallo, incastonato in oro fino, guarnito di perle all'intorno e di tal grandezza che poteva riflettere al naturale l'immagine della persona intera. All'uscita delle sale, nel quartiere delle dame, stavano i profumieri e i parrucchieri per le cui mani passavano gli uomini che là si recassero in visita. Costoro poi fornivano ogni mattina le stanze delle dame d'acqua di rosa, d'acqua nanfa155 e d'acqua d'agnoli156 e, per ognuna, il prezioso bruciaprofumi esalante ogni sorta di essenze aromatiche.
CAPITOLO LVI
Com'erano vestiti i religiosi e le religiose di Telème
Da principio, le dame si abbigliavano a lor piacere ed arbitrio. In seguito, di loro libera elezione, adottarono la seguente riforma:
Indossavano calze scarlatte o di color granato che arrivavano tre dita giuste sopra il ginocchio con orlatura di bei pizzi e frappe. Le giarrettiere erano dello stesso colore dei loro braccialetti e si affibbiavano sopra e sotto il ginocchio. Le scarpe, scarpine e pantofole, di velluto cremisi, rosso o violetto, frastagliate a barbe di gambero.
Sulla camicia portavano il grazioso corsetto di bel cammellotto di seta e sopra questo la gonna a sbuffi di taffettà bianco, rosso, tanné, grigio ecc. E sopra ancora, ornata di ricami ad ago d'oro fino attortigliato, la cotta di taffettà d'argento, o (se paresse loro meglio e più conforme allo stato dell'aria) di raso, di damasco, di velluto arancione (o verde o tanné o cenerino o blu o giallo chiaro o rosso cremisi o bianco o dorato) oppure di tela d'argento, di canutiglia o di pizzo, secondo le ricorrenze.
Le vesti, conforme la stagione, di tela d'oro con increspatura d'argento; di raso rosso coperto di canutiglia d'oro; di taffettà bianco, azzurro, nero o tanné; di saia di seta; di cammellotto di seta; di drappo d'argento; di tela d'argento e d'oro filato; di velluto o di raso rabescato d'oro in diverse figure.
Certi giorni d'estate, in luogo della veste, indossavano cappe leggere delle medesime stoffe, o tuniche alla moresca di velluto violetto con crespe d'oro su canutiglia d'argento o a cordoncini d'oro guarniti ai nodi di piccole perle indiane. E sempre il bel pennacchio intonato al colore dei manicotti e ben guarnito di lamelle d'oro. D'inverno, vesti di taffettà nei colori che ho detto, foderate di pelli di lupo cerviero, di zibetto nero, di martora di Calabria, di zibellino o di altre pellicce di gran pregio.
Rosari, anelli, catenelle, collane erano tutte di finissime pietre, carbonchi, balasci, diamanti, zaffiri, smeraldi, turchesi, granati, agate, berilli, margherite e perle grandi, rarissime, chiamate unioni.
L'acconciatura del capo variava secondo le stagioni. D'inverno, alla moda di Francia, in primavera alla spagnola, d'estate all'italiana; salvo i giorni festivi e le domeniche, quando era d'obbligo l'acconciatura francese perché più austera e più consona alla pudicizia matronale.
Gli uomini erano vestiti alla lor moda: le calze, di stamigna o drappo di rascia, scarlatte, granate o bianche o nere; le braghe, di velluto di colore eguale o molto somigliante, ricamate e frastagliate secondo il gusto di ognuno; le giubbe di drappo d'oro o d'argento, oppure di velluto, di raso, di damasco, di taffettà, negli stessi colori, frastagliate, ricamate ed acconciate in modo esemplare; i cordoncini di seta nelle stesse tinte con i puntali d'oro perfettamente smaltati; il saio e la zimarra di drappo o tela d'oro, o drappo d'argento, o velluto con frange a piacere; le tuniche preziose non meno di quelle delle dame; le cinture di seta dello stesso colore del farsetto. E ciascuno recava una bella spada al fianco con l'elsa dorata e il fodero di velluto dello stesso colore delle calze, con il puntale d'oro cesellato. Il pugnale lo stesso. Il berretto di velluto nero era copiosamente guarnito di bacche e bottoni d'oro, con una bella piuma bianca graziosamente screziata di pagliuzze d'oro recanti in cima, a guisa di pendagli, scintillanti rubini, smeraldi ecc.
Ma i rapporti tra uomini e donne erano improntati a tale simpatia che i colori degli uni erano sempre in armonia con i vestiti delle altre. E per non incorrere in errore, c'erano dei gentiluomini incaricati di segnalare ogni mattina ai cavalieri qual vestito le dame intendevano indossare per quella giornata, poiché in questo la volontà delle dame era legge.
Né dovete credere che un sì accurato vestire con così ricchi ornamenti fosse cagione, sia agli uomini sia alle donne, di gran perdita di tempo, poiché i maestri guardarobieri avevan pronto il costume ogni mattina e le cameriere erano tanto bene istruite che in un momento le loro dame eran pronte e abbigliate da capo a piede. E per poter disporre più agevolmente dei vari costumi, c'era, ai margini del bosco, un grande fabbricato lungo mezza lega, bene illuminato e acconcio, dove dimoravano gli orefici, i lapidari, i ricamatori, i sarti, i battiloro, i vellutai, i tappezzieri, i tessitori d'alto liccio; che qui lavoravano ciascuno al suo mestiere ed esclusivamente al servizio dei religiosi dell'Abbazia. Le stoffe ed ogni altro materiale occorrente era fornito loro dal signor Nausicleto, il quale ogni anno inviava colà dalle Isole Perlas e Cannibales sette navigli carichi di lingotti d'oro, di seta cruda, di perle e pietre preziose. Se qualche perla cominciava a invecchiare perdendo il bel pallore primitivo, la rinnovavano ad arte dandola a inghiottire a qualche bel gallo così come si dà la piumata ai falconi.
CAPITOLO LVII
La regola dei Telemiti e il loro modo di vivere
Tutta la loro vita si svolgeva non secondo leggi, statuti o regole, ma secondo il volere di ciascuno, il loro libero arbitrio. Si levavano da letto quando loro piaceva; bevevano, mangiavano, lavoravano, dormivano, quando ne avevano voglia; nessuno li svegliava, nessuno li forzava a bere o a mangiare o a fare qualsiasi altra cosa. Così aveva stabilito Gargantua. La regola del convento era racchiusa in un solo articolo:
FA' CIÒ CHE VUOI
Giacchè gli uomini liberi, ben nati e bene educati, avvezzi alle oneste compagnie, hanno di lor natura (ed è ciò che i Telemiti chiamavano onore) un istinto, uno stimolo che sempre li spinge ad azioni virtuose e li tiene lontani dal vizio; mentre, allorché, per vile soggezione o per violenza, sono oppressi e asserviti, volgono la nobile inclinazione per la quale spontaneamente attendevano alla virtù, ad abbattere ed infrangere quel giogo; perché, se vi è un'azione proibita, è quella che noi intraprendiamo e, per tutto ciò che ci è negato, ci struggiamo di desiderio. In grazia di tale libertà, una lodevole emulazione li induceva tutti a fare ciò che apparisse gradito ad un solo. Se qualcuno o qualcuna diceva «beviamo», tutti bevevano; se diceva «giochiamo», tutti giocavano, se diceva «andiamo a spasso per la campagna», tutti vi andavano. E se si trattava di andare a falcone, per uccelli o per lepri, le dame, montate su belle chinee, con il loro focoso palafreno, recavano ognuna sul pugno graziosamente inguantato uno sparviero o un laniere o uno smeriglio; e gli uomini gli altri uccelli da preda.
Erano tanto nobilmente educati che non c'era fra loro cavaliere o dama che non sapesse leggere, scrivere, cantare, suonare armoniosi strumenti, parlare cinque o sei lingue e in quelle comporre sia in versi sia in prosa.
Mai non si videro cavalieri tanto valorosi, tanto galanti, di tanta destrezza a piedi e a cavallo, più prestanti, più pronti di quelli, più abili nel maneggio di qualsiasi arma; né mai si videro dame di tanto garbo, eleganza e pulizia, meno petulanti di quelle e di mano più sagace nell'arte del cucito, del ricamo, e in ogni altra cura muliebre libera e onesta.
E così, quando accadeva che qualcuno di quell'Abbazia volesse uscirsene di là perché richiesto dai parenti o per altro motivo, questi portava con sé una delle dame, quella che lo aveva accettato come suo cavaliere, per farla sua sposa. E come bene avevano vissuto a Telème in armonia e reciproca devozione, così e ancor meglio continuavano a vivere da sposi e si amavano l'un l'altro fino alla fine dei loro giorni come nel primo giorno delle nozze.
Ma non voglio dimenticare di farvi conoscere un enigma che fu trovato nello scavare le fondamenta dell'Abbazia sopra una grande lastra di bronzo e che diceva così:
CAPITOLO LVIII
Enigma e profezia
«O tu che per primo còmpiti le mie parole, e voi tutti uomini infelici che aspettate la felicità, levate in alto i cuori e ascoltate i miei detti.
«Se mai fu permesso di credere fermamente che ad umano intelletto sia dato, per sua propria virtù, di trarre alcun vaticinio dal moto dei corpi celesti, ovvero di aver conoscenza, per divina rivelazione, delle sorti future, così da poter preannunciare con parola ferma il corso e il destino degli anni a venire, io dico ed annuncio a chi intender mi voglia che nel veniente inverno, senza attendere oltre e prima ancora, qui e non altrove, uomini sorgeranno insofferenti di quiete e di riposo, i quali, arditamente e in pieno giorno, andranno subornando ogni sorta di gente e fomentando discordie e partigianerie.
«Ed ecco che quelli che vorranno dar loro credito ed ascolto, senza por mente ai guasti che potranno seguirne, amici che siano l'un l'altro, o cugini o fratelli germani, verranno apertamente a contesa.
«Il figlio, fatto insolente, non avrà vergogna di parteggiare contro il suo stesso genitore. E i grandi, pur di stirpe preclara, si vedranno aggrediti dai loro antichi vassalli. Né varrà più a quel tempo norma veruna onde poter discernere a chi è dovuto onore e reverenza.
«"Salga ognuno e discenda volta a volta" diranno, "perché così ha da essere". E ne verranno un siffatto mescolio e così forti dispute e battaglie ed alterne fortune da oscurare al confronto i più solenni rivolgimenti della storia.
«Uomini molti e valorosi, cui giovinezza sprona a imprese temerarie, si vedranno perire anzitempo per troppo ardenti brame e sfrenate ambizioni.
E mai chi l'opra imprese con coraggio
potrà ritrarsi dal fatale ingaggio
senza prima riempire per contese
di grida il cielo e di passi il paese.
«Allora io vi dico che uomini senza fede non avranno minore autorità di chi professa il vero, poiché tutti andran dietro al volgo sciocco e credenzone come pecora a pecora, per cui sarà il più stolto quello chiamato a giudice.
Oh funesto diluvio!
«Diluvio dico e con giusta ragione, perché di tanto rimescolamento non si vedrà la fine e non sarà liberata la terra se prima non ne sgorghino acque improvvise, ed anche i meno accaniti nella mischia non ne siano inzuppati a dovere. E sarà con giustizia, giacché il loro cuore votato alla contesa non avrà risparmiato neppure le greggi di bestie innocenti, le cui carni e le viscere immonde non avran destinato a sacrificio divino, sibbene a ordinario servizio dei mortali.
«Ora io vi chiedo: quale ordine mai potrà seguirne? E qual riposo mai sarà concesso, nell'immenso travaglio, al corpo della macchina rotonda? I più avventurati, che più a lungo l'avranno in signoria, meno ancora degli altri si terranno dal mandarla in rovina, e in mille guise poi procureranno di asservirla e tenerla prigioniera:
per modo che la misera
tribolata e disfatta
non altro avrà ricovero
che in colui che l'ha fatta.
«E per colmo d'ambascia, in così grande affanno, non sarà il sole ancora giunto all'Occaso che su di lei cadrà l'ombra più nera come d'eclissi o notte fonda così che in un sol tratto avrà perduto la libertà, la luce, il favore del cielo, e resterà sconsolata e deserta. Ma non senza aver prima dato una scossa, un sì tremendo e sì grande sussulto che l'Etna non conobbe l'eguale quando Giove la scagliò sul gigante Tifeo; né alcuno si creda che fosse più subitaneo il trabalzo di Inarime157,
quando Tifeo sì forte si adirò
che le montagne in mar precipitò.
«E sarà in breve ridotta in così triste e mutevole condizione che persino coloro che l'avevano in balia la lasceranno senza più contendere alla mercé degli ultimi arrivati.
«Allora il tempo buono e propizio per metter fine a questo lungo travaglio sarà ormai vicino, poiché la gran piena delle acque improvvise di cui sopra è detto consiglierà ad ognuno di ritrarsi all'asciutto. Ma questo non sì tosto accadrà che prima non si veda chiaro nell'aria
l'aspro calor di una gran fiamma accesa
per por fine alle acque ed all'impresa.
«Al termine di tali tempestosi accidenti, questo ne rimarrà: che gli eletti saranno lietamente rifatti di tutti i beni, con l'aggiunta della manna celeste, e arricchiti per soprammercato in ragione di onesta ricompensa. Gli altri, alla fine, saranno spogliati di tutto. E sarà con ragione
affinché, la contesa terminata,
tocchi a ognuno la sorte destinata.
Tale l'accordo, e molto sia onorato
chi fino all'ultimo avrà perseverato».
Terminata la lettura del documento, Gargantua sospirò profondamente e disse agli astanti:
«Non è da oggi che i seguaci della fede evangelica sono perseguitati; ma fortunato colui che non ne sarà conturbato e che sempre terrà fermo lo sguardo allo scopo finale che Iddio, per mezzo del figliuol suo amatissimo, ci ha prefisso, senza venirne distratto e disviato da passioni carnali».
Il monaco allora gli chiese:
«Ma Voi, nella vostra mente, che cosa pensate che voglia significare questo enigma?»
«Ma è evidente!» disse Gargantua. «Le vie e la preservazione della parola del Signore».
«Questa, per San Goderano» disse il monaco, «questa non è per niente la mia interpretazione. Lo stile è quello del mago Merlino. Voi attribuitegli pure allegorie e significati solenni quanto volete. Per conto mio non ci vedo altro che la descrizione del gioco della pallacorda, con parole oscure. I subornatori delle genti altro non sono che i giocatori i quali sogliono essere amici fra loro. Giocate le due cacce, gli uni van fuori gioco e vi subentrano gli altri. Poi bisogna credere al primo che dice se la palla è passata sotto o sopra la corda. Le acque sono i sudori. Le corde delle racchette sono fatte appunto con le budella di montone o di capra. La macchina rotonda è la palla. Dopo la partita ci si riposa davanti a un camino dove un bel fuoco crepita e risplende, ci si cambia la camicia e volentieri si banchetta, con più allegria per quelli che hanno vinto. Ma ce n'è per tutti!»
NOTE
2 Località ancora esistenti, tutte nei pressi di Chinon, probabile luogo di nascita di Rabelais.
3 Citazione di pura fantasia.
4 Se, con queste fanfaluche, Rabelais abbia inteso indulgere a una moda letteraria del tempo, oppure prendersene gioco, o compiere in una
le due operazioni, è quesito che non ha ancora trovato una risposta ferma e mai la troverà. Qualcuno ha voluto ravvisarvi addirittura un'allegoria riassuntiva dei principali avvenimenti dei due regni sotto i quali l'autore è vissuto e anche una profezia del regno seguente. Benché suffragata da ingegnosissimi e copiosi riscontri, questa tesi non credo abbia più alcun seguito, anche se non sia per nulla disonorevole lasciarsi prendere in una trappola del genere; perché, se trappola è, bisogna pur dire che fu costruita a regola d'arte. Infatti, pur nello spesseggiare di lazzi farseschi, frateschi, goliardici e villerecci, aleggia su l'insieme un che di religioso e profetico, come di chi sia mosso da vera indignazione morale, da una qualche messianica aspettazione, e insomma voglia dire la sua – e non solo per burla – sul comune destino. Legittima o no che sia (a me pare di sì), è questa la chiave di lettura che ho cercato di utilizzare nella presente traduzione, sostituendo al connettivo della rima e del verso, che mi è parso irrecuperabile se non sul piano del nonsenso e basta, un connettivo dialettico; insinuando cioè elementi formali di progressione logica in un contesto che ogni logica programmaticamente rifiuta, ed esaltando al possibile le immagini intese a simboleggiare il trionfo dei giusti e l'umiliazione dei reprobi.
5 Nella Contea di Donegal, in Irlanda (v. Libro V, cap. XXXV, nota 1).
6 Lombardi per Italiani in genere, secondo l'uso medievale. Dunque bocconi avvelenati con riferimento alla particolare abilità dei principi italiani nell'usare il veleno per la conquista o la preservazione del potere o anche soltanto per tenersi in esercizio.
7 A parte Servio e Virgilio, qui chiamati in causa artatamente, Rabelais, per queste citazioni, si avvale con tutta disinvoltura di un passo di Aulo Gellio, facendo dire a qualche autore esattamente il contrario di quel che scrisse e intendeva.
8 Anche queste ultime citazioni sono inesatte per non dire fraudolente: nei luoghi citati si afferma che il figlio nato dopo il decimo mese non è legittimo.
9 Nomi e luoghi dei dintorni di Chinon nei pressi della Devinière, la proprietà dei Rabelais, dove pare che l'autore sia nato.
10 Il lettore che, confrontando questo capitolo con l'originale, trovasse scandalose talune libertà che mi son preso qui più che altrove (intendo spostamenti nell'ordine delle battute, talune omissioni, qualche aggiunta) consideri che una tale peraltro assai discreta 'manomissione' fu intesa a far salvi il senso ed il ritmo dell'insieme: esigenza che, in una struttura del genere, mi è parsa preminente, ai fini di una 'fedeltà' sostanziale e non pedissequa [N.d.T.].
11 Vi è qui un gioco di parole intraducibile: mule, in francese, vuol dire anche pantofola.
12 Bottiglia a forma di breviario.
13 Chi è colui che il vino non rese eloquente?
14 Cioè duobus.
15 Anagramma di: Nunc pede libero pulsanda tellus (Orazio).
16 Nella prima edizione si leggeva a questo punto: «E te lo provo» soggiunse lui. «Il Nostro Salvatore, nell'Evangelo di San Giovanni, XVI, dice: La donna, giunta l'ora del parto è in dolore, ma dopo che ha dato alla luce il bambino, non si ricorda più della sua angoscia». «Ah» disse lei, «voi dite bene; e a me piace molto di più ascoltare questi detti del Vangelo, e me ne viene maggior sollievo che non a sentire la vita di Santa Margherita e altre simili castronerie».
17 L'auna equivale a m 1,20 circa.
18 Con lo stesso doppio senso che si ritrova in una vecchia canzone popolare italiana:
Belle bimbe che fate all'amore,
compatite la povera bruna,
che dell'ago le han rotto la cruna,
chi l'ha rotta la deve pagar.
E con lo zigo-zago
tu m'hai rotto l'ago, ecc.
19 Unità di lunghezza variabile da m 2 a 2,60.
20 La carità non cerca il suo proprio vantaggio.
21 Secondo Galeno, il diaspro aveva la proprietà di favorire la digestione.
22 A Rabelais non era simpatico il priore dell'Abbazia di Saint-Louand.
23 I quattro metalli degli alchimisti.
24 Uno dei quattro fiumi del paradiso terrestre.
25 Moneta d'ero recante l'immagine di un montone.
26 Fourques, cioè galeotti. Probabile storpiatura del nome di certi banchieri tedeschi detentori di un monopolio per la vendita delle indulgenze.
27 Veramente il libro non porta data, ma porta il nome dell'autore, certo Sicilia, araldo d'armi di Alfonso d'Aragona.
28 Nella edizione della Pléiade, si legge in nota: En portant les couleurs des dames au risque de les compromettre.
29 Hypnerotomachia Poliphili, di Francesco Colonna, pubblicata a Venezia nel 1499.
30 Guglielmo Gouffier, signore di Bonnivet. Rabelais ne aveva visto la divisa nel castello di Bonnivet: un delfino (simboleggiante la rapidità) su di un'ancora (simboleggiante l'indugio): Festina lente.
31 Citazione da Erasmo – Elogio della Pazzia, cap. XXXI. Rabelais fu lettore assiduo di Erasmo dalle cui opere attinse notizie e curiosità di ogni genere per il suo romanzo. Non poche citazioni di scrittori antichi sono passate nell'opera di Rabelais attraverso le pagine di Erasmo.
32 Il fatto cui si allude, di due madri morte per la gioia di rivedere i figlioli tenuti per uccisi in guerra, Livio lo dice avvenuto non già in occasione della battaglia di Canne, ma della battaglia sul Trasimeno. Plinio invece ed Aulo Gellio lo riferiscono alla terribile strage di Canne.
33 Si chiama così il maschio di certi uccelli rapaci perché è di un terzo più piccolo delle femmine.
34 Sinonimo di stoppa.
35 V. Libro I, cap. LVI, note 154 e 155; nel Libro III, cap. XLVII.
36 Si tratta di opere in uso nelle scuole del Medioevo. Il Donato è una grammatica; il Faceto un trattato di buone maniere; il Teodoleto opponeva la verità della sacra scrittura alle favole della mitologia; le Parabole erano un trattato di morale in versi.
37 L'opera, naturalmente, non è di Seneca, bensì di un vescovo che si firmava così.
38 Come per Erasmo e per gli umanisti in genere, anche per Rabelais il latino rimane la lingua nobile.
39 Paragone classico nel XVI secolo: Erasmo lo menzionava nei suoi Adagi.
40 Jehan Thenaud, dottore in teologia e guardiano dei Frati Minori di Angoulême, autore di un libro di viaggi.
41 Accenni a queste code enormi si trovano in Erodoto, lib. III, § 118; Eliano, Animalium, lib. X. cap. IV e Aristotele, Animalium, lib. XXVIII, ca VIII.
42 Qui, come altrove, Rabelais si diverte a ribaltare un proverbio: «Se non ci fossero i signori dottori vivremmo come tante bestie».
43 Probabilmente, a Chinon, Rabelais aveva conosciuto un calzolaio di nome Babin.
44 La povertà dei gentiluomini della Beauce era proverbiale.
45 Specie di contributo volontario che gli ecclesiastici pagavano ai loro vescovi, a titolo di spese di insediamento.
46 Prepara qui un gioco di parole (par ryz = Paris) che sfrutterà poco più avanti.
47 Si dava il soprannome di jambonniers ai monaci dell'ordine di Sant'Antonio che avevano goduto del privilegio di lasciare errare i loro porci in libertà ella ricerca di che nutrirsi e che, avendovi rinunciato, avevano ottenuto in compenso l'autorizzazione a questuare lardo e prosciutti.
48 Termine mnemotecnico che designava i modi della prima figura del sillogismo.
49 Alla maniera di Giulio Cesare che si faceva acconciare i capelli in modo da nascondere la sua calvizie.
50 Era un cappuccio a coda, segno di dignità ecclesiastica, riservato ai dottori in teologia.
51 Bona dies.
52 La sala degli ospiti, dove, presso certi conventi, si dà da mangiare gratuitamente ai forestieri.
53 Con questa frase si allude ad una storiella: Un tale faceva gustare del vino ad un curato che maliziosamente ne elogiava la qualità in un latino alquanto scorretto. «Che razza di latino è mai questo?» disse il padrone del vino. «È come il vostro vino» disse il curato. E aggiunse: «A buon vino buon latino».
54 È una stoccata contro il domenicano Leonardo Mattei da Udine che aveva pubblicato un libro con il titolo niente affatto modesto di Sermones aurei de Sanctis fratris Leonardi de Utino; ma è anche un gioco di parole fra Utino e utinam (volesse il cielo!).
55 È noto che a quei tempi le indulgenze (i perdoni) costavano carissime.
56 Nelle scuole si dava il nome di Achille agli argomenti incontrovertibili.
57 Ergo gluc, era una formula usata allora nelle scuole per concludere un ragionamento.
58 Parole con le quali gli scolastici indicavano le diverse specie e varietà del sillogismo.
59 Nel 1532, Rabelais aveva fatto pubblicare come autentici, e in tutta buona fede, alcuni documenti latini apocrifi, uno dei quali (un contratto di vendita) confezionato dal Pontano. Di qui il suo rancore contro l'umanista italiano, che viene battezzato anagraficamente Taponnus, forma latinizzata di tapon o tampon, turacciolo o peggio. Anche la patente di poeta secolare, in bocca a un sorbonista, suona disprezzo.
60 Come più sopra ha accumulato termini retorici, qui accumula formule finali. Il teste non ha più nulla da dire è del gergo giudiziario; Valete et plaudite è frase di congedo nelle commedie latine; con la terza formula un copista dichiarava di aver terminato il suo lavoro. Calepino (Ambrogio) era il nome dell'autore di un celebre dizionario latino, divenuto proverbiale.
61 Letteralmente, Sognavuoto o Acchiappanuvole, soprannome di un comico famoso, Jean de l'Espine du Pontalais, che recitava al principio del XVI secolo.
62 È una freddura in gergo scolastico. «Io non ti ho chiesto di che natura è il rapporto» dice Giannotto, «ma qual è il suo oggetto. Il panno è per le mie gambe e dunque lo porterò io stesso come la sostanza porta l'accidente».
63 Allude a due versi della famosa Farce de l'Avocat Pathelin:
Dea, il s'en vint en tapinois
a tout son drap sous son esselle.
64 Salmi, CXXVI, 2.
65 È probabilmente una duplice allusione alla sporcizia degli Alemanni e a Jacques Almain, teologo dell'Università di Parigi.
66 Zuppa che si mangiava nei conventi a mattutino, la prima delle ore canoniche, cioè alle sei del mattino, dopo le prescritte orazioni.
67 «Pel capitolo LXII della regola di San Benedetto, i monaci di quest'ordine, appena levati di mensa, dovevano riunirsi a leggere qualche passo delle Vitae Patrum. E ordinariamente, dopo questo esercizio, i reverendi andavano in refettorio a rinfrescar la gola inaridita dalla lettura. Qui Gargantua si crede anche egli in diritto di bere perché, a causa del suo dormire salato, ha la gola inaridita. Il sonno è per lui quello che per i Benedettini è la Vita dei Santi Padri». Da una nota di Gennaro Perfetto – in arte Janunculus – v. la sua traduzione, Eschena Editore, Napoli 1892.
68 Tutti nomi di personaggi reali variamente legati alla corte di Francesco I.
69 Le scacchiere da tric trac, che si aprivano come libri.
70 Secondo Aulo Gellio (Noctium Atticarum, lib. XVII, cap. XV), Carneade – il Carneade di Don Abbondio – ricorse a questo mezzo per fortificarsi la mente in vista del confronto con lo stoico Zenone. Gli antichi facevano gran conto dell'elleboro come rimedio contro la follia.
71 Timoteo di Mileto, musico famoso dei tempi di Alessandro Magno. Secondo Quintiliano, esigeva doppio onorario dagli allievi già istruiti da altri per la fatica di svezzarli dai vizi acquisiti.
72 Dal greco, e vuol dire appunto 'lettore'.
73 Celebre campo da gioco che portava per insegna la scritta Au chien braque (Al cane bracco).
74 Cesare Fiaschi di Ferrara, scudiero famoso per i suoi virtuosismi.
75 Latinismo, per volteggiatori
76 Famoso atleta dell'antichità, campione di lotta nei giochi di Olimpia.
77 Cioè senza il sostegno della forcella. I primi archibugi pesavano intorno ai 17 chili.
78 Tagliatore di radici.
79 Una Maria Marquet aveva sposato Gaucher de Sainte-Marthe, signore di Lerné, avversario di Antonio Rabelais in un celebre processo: una contesa di campanile che suggerì a Rabelais l'idea della guerra picrocolina.
80 Arteria temporale.
81 Il grano esce con più difficoltà da una spiga ancora verde e perciò occorre battere più forte.
82 Nome di formazione greca: bile amara. Sotto questo nome Rabelais mette in caricatura Gaucher de Sainte-Marthe, signore di Lerné; v. nota 78 al cap. precedente.
83 Il castello o il municipio di Lerné, che, nella trasfigurazione epica della contesa paesana, diventa Campidoglio.
84 Al capitolo quelli che hanno voce in capitolo.
85 Modulazione grottesca del cantico «Impetum inimicorum ne timueritis».
86 La durata delle ore ecclesiastiche, degli uffici divini, variava secondo le stagioni.
87 Tommaso Becket, arcivescovo di Canterbury, fatto uccidere nella sua chiesa da Enrico II, per aver sostenuto strenuamente l'esenzione del clero dalla giurisdizione civile.
88 L'affermazione che senza la grazia è preclusa all'uomo la via del bene verrà contraddetta più volte.
89 Uno degli avvocati del tribunale di Chinon si chiamava Gallet. Questi, ch'era prossimo parente di Antonio Rabelais, fu inviato al Parlamento di Parigi per difendere gli interessi della comunità dei mercanti della Loira e dei suoi affluenti contro Gaucher de Sainte-Marthe, che è il prototipo di Picrocolo.
90 Isabella, fondata da Cristoforo Colombo e oggi in rovina, fu la prima città costruita in America dagli Europei.
91 La fattoria della Pomardiere, presso Seuilly, apparteneva ai Rabelais.
92 Proverbio greco. Si trova nelle Opere Morali di Plutarco.
93 Proverbio popolare già citato da Villon nel suo Testamento (XXV, 5.8): Car la dance vient de la pance...
94 Il torsaro Khair Eddyn, soprannominato Barbarossa.
95 I cavalieri di San Giovanni in Gerusalemme, cacciati dall'isola di Rodi ad opera dei Turchi e installatisi a Malta nel 1530.
96 L'imperatore Giuliano detto l'Apostata.
97 Gli abitanti delle città anseatiche: Brema, Amburgo, Lubecca.
98 Il mare dai banchi di sabbia, il Baltico.
99 Dal greco = prudente.
100 Citazioni dai Dialogues de Salomon et Marcoul, molto diffusi nel Medioevo e nei quali alla saggezza astratta di Salomone si oppone il buon senso di un popolano.
101 Lapsus comico tipicamente rabelaisiano, che consiste nel ribaltare un proverbio o un modo di dire.
102 Nel testo, picotin; letteralmente: profenda ch'è una piccola misura di fave o avena che si dà ai cavalli in aggiunta al fieno, per tenerli in forza. Nella fattispecie, una piccola misura di 1,232 ettolitri.
103 L'oro potabile, composto di olio e cloruro d'oro, era considerato una panacea.
104 Traduce liberamente Francs Topins, soprannome del corpo militare dei trancs-archers, specie di milizia campestre proverbiale per la sua inettitudine e poltroneria.
105 In greco: «Dio è santo», formula di esorcismo.
106 Le palle di falconetto pesavano intorno ai cinque chili.
107 Eliano, De Natura Animalium, XVI, 25, cita il metodo di addestramento di Diomede e di Ulisse cui accenna Rabelais.
108 Vigeva effettivamente in questo collegio un regime da Celestini di Prato.
109 Vangelo di Luca, XIII, 4.
110 L'Abbazia di Cisteaux possedeva una botte favolosa della capacità di 300 moggia, costruita ai tempi di San Bernardo.
111 I pellegrini di Mont-Saine-Michel. Un tratto del loro cammino era insediato da sabbie mobili. Perciò saltavano.
112 Che produce noci così dure che solo i corvi riescono a romperle. Nel testo, grollier, e si porrebbe anche tradurre noce grolliero dall'italiano grola (corvo o cornacchia), che però è disusato.
113 Cfr. Salmo 124.
114 Formula rituale che indica il momento nel quale l'officiante deve deporre la sua tunica.
115 Probabile allusione al fatto che anche Rabelais aveva gettato la tonaca senza autorizzazione: mancanza per la quale aveva poi dovuto implorare l'assoluzione.
116 Botte gigantesca e famosa che si trovava nel convento dei Benedettini di Boulogne.
117 Il monaco cita soltanto l'inizio del proverbio: «De tout poisson fors que la tanche, Pren le dos et laisse la panche».
118 Chiara allusione alla credenza secondo la quale a chi ha goduto una monaca avviene l'erezione dopo la morte.
119 Allusione a Plinio che raccomanda ai gottosi (Hist. nat., XXVIII, 16) di portare sempre indosso un piede di lepre.
120 È la metà di un detto popolare: «A propos truelle, bonjour, maçon».
121 «Crac, crac, crac», così nel testo: onomatopea di non facile interpretazione; forse soltanto un lazzo di fra Giovanni in vena di ribalderie.
122 Francesco I.
123 Citazione da Isaia (XI, 1) qui adibita a licenzioso doppio senso (Mi si è drizzato il cazzo), come la frase precedente «il n'y a plus de moust», che gioca su moust (mosto o mostarda) e mou (molle). Ma il calembour, nel suo insieme, non è restituibile in italiano.
124 Qui Rabelais sembra far confusione fra fuchi e calabroni. Per l'alveare, i calabroni sono invasori, mentre i fuchi, dopo fecondata la regina, sono soltanto dei parassiti (l'ignavo gregge di cui dice Virgilio) che peraltro non vengono cacciati: più semplicemente vengono uccisi.
125 I Promotori, nella giurisdizione ecclesiastica avevano ruolo di pubblico ministero. Perciò ovunque si recassero, ricevevano e gradivano omaggi e regalie, con vantaggio anche del cavallo che li portava.
126 Un famosissimo chirurgo francese, Ambrogio Paré (1517-1590) sosteneva seriamente questa opinione.
127 Contaminazione insolente e faceta fra un detto popolare («Noscitur ex naso quanta sit asta viri») e un versetto della Bibbia: Salmo 122 (o 123).
128 Ritornello di una canzone medievale.
129 Termine di falconeria. La piumata era una pallottola di piume per purgare i falconi.
130 Bottiglia a forma di breviario.
131 I monaci dell'Abbazia di Fécamp, presso Havre, avevano accorciato di molto il breviario. Ma Fécan suona molto vicino a fécal.
132 Una breve preghiera penetra i cieli, una lunga bevuta asciuga i bicchieri
133 Evidente parodia del Venite adoremus.
134 Il Regno di Napoli, i cui cavalli erano molto apprezzati.
135 Parafrasi dell'Eneide, II, 354: Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.
136 L'estro del cavallo è un dittero brachicero grosso come un'ape. Attraverso complicati itinerari e varie mute, questo insetto riesce ad annidarsi sotto la cute della bestia, producendovi pustole e un tal bruciore che l'animale s'infuria. «Estro giunonico» per allusione a quello che Giunone inviò a tormentare Io dopo che Giove l'ebbe trasformata in vacca.
137 San Sebastiano aveva fama di debellare la peste, e la peste aveva, a quattro riprese, dopo 1500, devastato il Berry. Il riferimento di Rabelais è preciso.
138 Plinio, in verità, attribuisce questa proprietà unicamente alle acque del Nilo.
139 Carolus: antica moneta d'oro coniata da Carlo VIII.
140 «Anguilles de Melun avant qu'on les escorche!», era il grido dei pescivendoli. Donde: Anguilles de Melun qu'on crie avant qu'on ne les escorche. Donde in fine la facezia rabelaisiana che si ripeterà nel cap. XXI del Libro V.
141 Cioè l'anno del mai.
142 Nella battaglia di Sant'Albino (Sainct Aubin du Cormier, 28 luglio 1488) il maresciallo de La Trémoille sconfisse il duca di Bretagna e catturò il duca d'Orleans, il futuro Luigi XII. Poco tempo prima, il 28 marzo 1487, Carlo VIII, che si era impadronito di Parthenay, si limitò a smantellare la città. Questi i fatti veri. Gli altri, rievocati nel seguito del discorso, sono ovviamente di pura fantasia.
143 Hispaniola: così Cristoforo Colombo aveva battezzato Haiti.
144 «Nihil habet nec fortuna tua majus, quam ut possis; nec natura tua melius quam ut velis conservare quam plurimos» dice Cicerone a Cesare, nell'Orazione in difesa di Q. Ligario.
145 Ester, I, 3-9.
146 Antica moneta dell'Impero d'Oriente.
147 Erano le due Abbazie più ricche di Francia.
148 Telème, in greco, vuol dire volontà. L'Abbazia di Telème sarà l'Abbazia della libera volontà.
149 Le cose a quel tempo andavano effettivamente così, stando almeno all'Onus Ecclesiae di Giovanni Chiempsée, dove, al cap. XXIII, si deplora questo sconcio e si invoca un decreto che esoneri Iddio dall'essere servito soltanto da «Coeci, vel torto naso, vel fracto pede seu manu, vel gippi, vel lippi, vel albuginem habentes in oculo, vel jugiter scabiosi, vel impetiginosi, vel herniosi, aut quispiam alii maculam habentes».
150 Abbiamo omesso qui di tradurre le seguenti battute che si reggono su un gioco di parole – peraltro abbastanza stiracchiato – che non è possibile rendere in italiano: «A propos, dist le moine, une femme qui n'est ny belle, ny bonne, à quoy vault toile? A mettre en religion, dist Gargantua. Voir, dist le moine, et a faire les chemises»; dove il bisticcio si regge su una pronuncia di toile (tèle) che – già all'epoca di Rabelais – non era più corrente, ma limitata alla parlata popolare di Parigi.
151 A differenza delle altre monete dal nome pittoresco menzionate in questo inizio di capitolo (tutte monete d'oro realmente esistite) lo scudo con la stella gallinella è moneta coniata dalla fantasia di Rabelais.
152 Nell'ordine, i nomi delle sei torri sono così traducibili: Settentrionale, Bell'Aria, Orientale, Meridionale, Occidentale, Fredda.
153 I tre più famosi castelli di Francia.
154 Antica misura di lunghezza, variabile da luogo a luogo, corrispondente a un'apertura di braccia.
155 Acqua di fiori d'arancio.
156 Secondo una nota del Dr. Brémond, ripresa da Janunculus nella citata traduzione, l'acqua d'agnoli o acqua di mirto «era un cosmetico astringente che doveva rendere alle donne servigi preziosi. Ippocrate la consigliava per lavare le escoriazioni degli organi genitali. In Assiria ed in Grecia – dice Salverte – si conosceva la proprietà che ha fatto consacrare il mirto alla dea dell'amore, cioè di ridare, fino a un certo punto, l'apparenza della verginità alle donne restate con larghe carreggiate per troppi parti o per smodati abusi».
157 L'isola d'Ischia.
PANTAGRUELE
RE DEI DIPSODI RESTITUITO AL NATURALE
Con le sue gesta e prodezze spaventevoli descritte
dal fu Mastro Alcofribas astrattore di Quinta Essenza
Strofe in decima rima di Mastro Ugo Salel1
all'autore di questo libro
Se di stima autore è meritevole
Perché l'utile unisce al dilettevole
Tu per questo libretto plauso avrai
Maggior che ad altri fosse dato mai.
Sotto il velame degli ameni detti
L'utile e il vero hai così ben descritti
Che un Democrito in te mi par ch'io veda
Che ai casi ride dell'umana vita.
Persevera e ne avrai mercede eterna,
Se non quaggiù, nella vita superna.
1 Poeta molto stimato a quei tempi, grecista e traduttore di numerosi canti dell'Iliade.
PROLOGO DELL'AUTORE
Illustrissimi e molto cavallereschi campioni e nobiluomini, e voi tutti che volentieri vi dedicate a ogni cosa onorevole e gentile, io so che, or non è molto, avete visto, letto e conosciuto le Grandi inestimabili Cronache dell'enorme gigante Gargantua e, da bravi credenti, le avete tenute per vere tal quale la Bibbia ed il santo Vangelo; e spesso anche le avete prese a passatempo, in compagnia di rispettabili dame e damigelle, traendone lunghi e bei racconti, quando, come capita, non sapevate più di che cosa parlare; per lo che siete meritevoli di grande lode e memoria sempiterna.
E per quanto sta in me, sarei proprio contento se ognuno lasciasse il suo lavoro, mandando a ramengo gli affari ed il mestiere, per farsi solo ed esclusivamente banditore di quelle, senza che il suo spirito ne fosse altrimenti frastornato o distratto; fintanto, dico io, che le avesse imparate a memoria. Cosicché, se per avventura l'arte della stampa venisse meno, o nel caso che andassero distrutti tutti i libri, chiunque potrebbe in avvenire raccontarle per filo e per segno ai propri figli e tramandarle ai propri discendenti ed eredi, come da una mano all'altra, al pari di una sacra cabala; poiché da esse si ricava maggior frutto di quanto non possa pensare una congrega di stronfioni che so io, tutti ingreppolati, e che di queste mie piccole facezie capiscono assai meno di quanto non capisca di pandette Mastro Raclet1.
Ne ho conosciuti, e non pochi, di gran signori e nobilissimi cavalieri, i quali, andando a caccia di selvatici, o per anitre col falcone, se accadeva che la bestia non venisse alla posta o che il falcone si mettesse a planare mentre la preda gli volava via di sotto, ci restavano assai male come potete immaginare; ma poi lasciavan perdere trovando risarcimento e consolazione nel raccontarsi l'un l'altro le inimitabili gesta di Gargantua.
E altri ve ne sono per il mondo (né vi racconto frottole) che essendo afflitti grandemente dal mal di denti, dopo aver profuso inutilmente in medicine tutte le loro sostanze, non han trovato rimedio più efficace che di mettere le dette Cronache fra due bei pannilini ben caldi, applicandole poi sulla parte dolente, dopo averle senapizzate con un poco di polvere d'oribus2.
Ma che dire dei miei poveri gottosi e dei miei amatissimi impestati? Quante volte li abbiamo visti unti e imbrattati a puntino, con la faccia che gli luccicava come la serratura d'un salatoio, con i denti che gli ballavano in bocca come i tasti di un organo o di una spinetta quando si suona e la schiuma alla strozza come cinghiali quando i veltri li acculano al recinto! E che facevano essi allora? Non altra consolazione avevano i meschini che di sentir leggere qualche pagina di quel nostro libro; e ne abbiamo conosciuti di quelli che giuravano di darsi a centomila bigonce di vecchi diavoli nel caso che, stando chiusi nei forni, non avessero mostrato un gran sollievo a una tanto benefica lettura: né più né meno delle donne in preda al mal di madre se gli leggete la vita di Santa Margherita3.
Vi sembra niente? Trovatemi un altro libro in qualsiasi lingua, di qualsivoglia scienza o disciplina, che possa vantare eguali virtù, proprietà e prerogative e io vi pago una foglietta di trippe. No, cari signori, no: esso è impareggiabile, non ha l'eguale, è fuor di paragone. Io lo sosterrò fino alla prova del fuoco eccettuata. E siano considerati truffatori, predestinatori4, impostori e corruttori coloro che oseranno sostenere il contrario.
Ben vero che vi sono certi libri d'alto fusto nei quali si ritrovano proprietà occulte, e fra questi ricorderemo Scolapinte, Orlando Furioso, Roberto il Diavolo, Fierobraccio, Guglielmo senza paura, Ugone di Bordeaux, Montevilla e Matabruno; che però non sono paragonabili con quello di cui parliamo. E la gente ha ben conosciuto per esperienza infallibile il gran profitto e la grande utilità che si ricava dalla Cronaca Gargantuina; tanto che gli stampatori ne han vendute più copie in due mesi di quante non ne andranno vendute della Bibbia in nove anni.
Volendo dunque io, vostro umile schiavo, accrescere maggiormente i vostri passatempi, vi offro adesso un nuovo libro della stessa lega, salvo che questo è ancor più onesto e fededegno di quanto non fosse l'altro. Perché non dovete credere (salvo che non vogliate prendere una cantonata di proposito) che io ne parli alla cieca come gli Ebrei parlano della Legge. Io non sono nato sotto un tal pianeta e mai non mi è accaduto di mentire o di affermare cosa che non fosse certa:
Agentes et consentientes,
e chi non ha coscienza non ha niente5.
Io infatti ne parlo come San Giovanni dell'Apocalisse: Quod vidimus testamur; perché si tratta delle orribili gesta e prodezze di Pantagruele, al cui servizio sono stato da quando uscii di paggeria fino ad ora che, con sua licenza, me ne son venuto a visitare le vacche del mio paese e a vedere se qualcuno dei miei parenti è ancora vivo.
Ragion per cui, e per farla finita con questo preambolo, come io mi do anima e corpo, trippe e budella, a centomila corbe di bellissimi diavoli se in tutta la mia storia c'è una sola parola che non sia vera, così vi prenda il fuoco di Sant'Antonio, vi scontorca il malcaduco, il fulmine vi incenerisca, il canchero vi azzoppi, vi venga il cacasangue con le creste di gallo su per il buco del culo, filiformi e a cavolfiore, con belle ragadi variegate e ben rinfocolate dal mercurio, e possiate voi, come Sodoma e Gomorra, precipitare in zolfo, in fuoco ed in abisso, nel caso che non crediate fermamente in tutto ciò che io vi racconto in questa qui presente e vera Cronaca!
1 Probabilmente un professore di diritto romano che non godeva la stima e la simpatia di Rabelais.
2 Miscuglio di elleboro con altre droghe che i ciarlatani vendevano ai gonzi come panacea.
3 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. VI, nota 15.
4 Qui ce l'ha con Calvino, sostenitore della predestinazione, al quale, nel cap. XXXII del Libro IV darà apertamente dell'impostore.
5 «Agentes et consentientes, c'est-à-dire qui n'a conscience n'a rien». Così nel testo, che risulta pertanto incomprensibile, se non come puro e semplice nonsense, essendo le due parole latine niente altro che i soggetti di una massima forense (Agentes et consentientes pari poena puniuntur) che ha ben poco a che vedere con quel che segue.
CAPITOLO I
Sulle origini e l'antico lignaggio del grande Pantagruele
Non sarà cosa inutile né oziosa, visto che siamo in vacanza, rammentarvi la fonte prima e l'origine onde a noi fu generato il buon Pantagruele: perché io vedo che tutti i migliori storiografi così hanno fatto nelle loro Cronache, e non solamente gli Arabi e i Gentili, ma persino gli autori delle sacre scritture, come monsignor San Luca, appunto, e San Matteo.
Dovete dunque sapere che al principio del mondo (io prendo le mosse di lontano e son cose che accaddero più di quaranta quarantine di notti fa, per contare alla maniera degli antichi) non molto tempo dopo che Abele era stato ucciso da suo fratello Caino, la terra, irrorata dal sangue del giusto, diede una certa annata
Sì ferace d'ogni frutto
dal suo grembo a noi produtto,
e specialmente di nespole, che fu ricordata in perpetuo col nome di annata delle nespole grosse. Infatti ne bastavano tre per riempire uno staio.
In quello stesso anno furono trovate le calende nel breviario dei Greci, il mese di marzo mancò di quaresima e il ferragosto cadde di maggio. Nel mese di ottobre, mi sembra, o forse di settembre (per non sbagliarmi, perché vorrei morire piuttosto che dire una bugia) ci fu la settimana tanto rinomata negli annali, detta dei tre giovedì, perché ce ne furono tre a causa dei bisesti irregolari, per via che il sole, come uno storpio, sbandò un po' sulla sinistra e la luna svariò dal suo corso più di cinque tese e fu veduto chiaramente nel firmamento chiamato aplane6 il movimento di trepidazione, al punto che la Pleiade mediana, lasciando le sue compagne, declinò verso l'equinoziale e la stella chiamata Spica lasciò la Vergine ritirandosi verso la Bilancia; casi questi così spaventevoli e argomenti e materie così dure che gli astrologi non possono mettervi i denti, che del resto dovrebbero averli ben lunghi per arrivare a mordere fin lassù.
Come potete immaginare, la gente mangiava assai volentieri di quelle nespole che ho detto, perché esse erano belle a vedersi e deliziose al palato; ma proprio come Noè, il sant'uomo (al quale siamo tanto obbligati e riconoscenti per aver egli piantato la vigna donde ci viene quel nettareo, delizioso, prezioso, celeste, giocondo e deifico liquore denominato vino) fu ingannato bevendone perché ne ignorava la grandissima forza e virtù, similmente, gli uomini e le donne di quel tempo, mangiando di quei frutti belli e grossi con sommo piacere, andavano soggetti ad accidenti diversi.
A tutti infatti sopravvenne una molto spaventosa enfiagione del corpo; ma non a tutti nella stessa parte. Poiché ad alcuni, per esempio, si gonfiava il ventre che diventava gibboso come un grosso barile, tal che di essi è scritto «Ventrem onnipotentem». Ma furono tutte persone dabbene e di buona compagnia e dalla loro schiatta nacquero San Panzone e Martedì Grasso.
Ad altri si gonfiavano le spalle. Questi diventavano talmente gobbi che li chiamavano Montiferes, come dire portamontagne; e ne vedete ancora per il mondo, diversi per sesso e dignità. Da questa razza venne fuori Esopetto, del quale voi conoscete per iscritto i bei detti e i bei fatti.
Ad altri protuberava in lunghezza il membro, altrimenti detto vomere della natura, per cui l'avevano meravigliosamente lungo, grande, grasso, verde, e con cimiero crestato all'antica; tanto che lo usavano come cintura, avvolgendolo cinque o sei volte intorno alla vita; e se accadeva che l'avessero a punto, con il vento in poppa, li avreste detti altrettanti campioni, pronti, la lancia in resta, a correre la quintana. Di questi si è perduto il seme, come dicono le donne che si lamentano di continuo perché
di così grossi non ce n'è più ecc.,
voi conoscete il resto della canzone.
Ad altri crescevano i coglioni così enormemente che ne bastavano tre a fare un moggio. Da costoro discesero le coglie di Lorena, le quali fuoriescono sempre dalla braghetta e vanno giù fino in fondo ai calzoni.
Ad altri poi crescevano le gambe e a vederli li avreste detti aironi o gru o gente che va sui trampoli. Giambi li chiamano in grammatica gli scolaretti.
Ad altri ancora cresceva tanto il naso che pareva la doccia di un alambicco: tutto screziato, tutto scintillante di pustolette, pullulante, violetto, tutto smalti, rubini, nappine e bocciuoli, e tutto ricamato in rosso, tal quale quello, che conoscete, del canonico Panzoult o di Mastro Piedilegno medico ad Angers. Di quella razza pochi ne sortirono che amassero la tisana, tutti essendo amatori di infusi settembrini; e ne discesero Nasone ed Ovidio e tutti coloro il cui naso fu ritenuto memorabile7.
E c'erano anche quelli che crescevano dalle orecchie, le quali così grandi avevano che con una si facevano il corsetto, le brache ed il saio, e con l'altra si ammantellavano come in una cappa spagnola; e corre voce che nel Borbonese ne duri ancora la stirpe, donde il proverbio «orecchie alla borbonese».
Altri in fine crescevano in lunghezza per tutto il corpo e da questi son discesi i giganti,
E da questi Pantagruele;
E il primo fu Chalbroth8,
Che generò Sarabroth,
Che generò Faribroth,
Che generò Hurtaly, (il quale fu buon mangiatore di zuppe e regnò al tempo del Diluvio),
Che generò Nembroth,
Che generò Atlante (quello che teneva su il cielo con le spalle perché non cadesse),
Che generò Goliath,
Che generò Eryx (l'inventore del gioco dei bussolotti),
Che generò Orione,
Che generò Polifemo,
Che generò Caco,
Che generò Etione (il quale per primo rimase impestato per non aver bevuto fresco in estate, come attesta il Bartachim)9,
Che generò Encelado,
Che generò Ceo,
Che generò Tifeo,
Che generò Aloeo,
Che generò Oto,
Che generò Egeone,
Che generò Briareo (quello che aveva cento mani e squadrava le fiche ai Titani),
Che generò Porfirio,
Che generò Adamastore,
Che generò Anteo,
Che generò Agatone,
Che generò Poro (contro il quale combatté Alessandro Magno),
Che generò Arantas,
Che generò Gabbara (il vero inventore della bevuta in più),
Che generò Goliath di Secondilla,
Che generò Offot (il quale ebbe il naso terribilmente bello di chi beve al barile),
Che generò Artacheo,
Che generò Oromedonte,
Che generò Gemmagog (che fu inventore delle scarpe alla polacca),
Che generò Sisifo,
Che generò i Titani (dai quali nacque Ercole),
Che generò Enay (espertissimo nel curare i pellicelli alle mani),
Che generò Fierobraccio (il quale fu vinto da Oliviero, Pari di Francia e compagno di Rolando),
Che generò Morgante (il quale, primo al mondo, giocava ai dadi con gli occhiali),
Che generò Fracassus (del quale ha scritto Merlin Cocaio),
Da cui nacque Ferraù,
Che generò Azzannamosche (il quale inventò l'arte di affumicare al camino le lingue di bue, che prima invece le salavano come si fa coi prosciutti),
Che generò Mangiaterra,
Che generò Tentenna,
Che generò Malorbo (che aveva i coglioni di pioppo e il cazzo di sorbo),
Che generò Masticafieno,
Che generò Bruciaferro,
Che generò Ingozzavento,
Che generò Galeotto (il famoso inventore delle bottiglie piccole),
Che generò Guardinbocca,
Che generò Galaffro,
Che generò Fagottino,
Che generò Roboastro,
Che generò Sortibrando di Coimbra,
Che generò Bruciante di Monmiré,
Che generò Brughiero (il quale le prese da Ogiero il Danese),
Che generò Mambrino,
Che generò Fottiforte,
Che generò Vergadigrano,
Che generò Gargamagna,
Che generò Gargantua,
Che generò il nobile Pantagruele, mio signore.
Io so benissimo che leggendo questo capitolo vi passerà per la mente un dubbio assai ragionevole. Come mai, vi chiederete, com'è possibile che le cose stiano così, se al tempo del Diluvio morirono tutti, eccetto Noè nella sua Arca e con lui sette persone fra le quali non è compreso il nominato Hurtaly10?
La domanda è senza dubbio ben posta e di grande momento; ma la risposta vi darà soddisfazione, a meno che il mio cervello non sia stato intonacato male. E dal momento che a quel tempo io non c'ero per potervene parlare con sicurezza, vi allegherò l'autorità dei Massoreti, chiosatori – scrotologi e pifferari – delle sacre scritture ebraiche, i quali affermano che, veramente Hurtaly dentro l'Arca di Noè non c'era, per la ragione che non vi entrava essendo troppo grosso. Ma vi stava sopra, a cavalcioni, una gamba di qua e una di là come i ragazzini sui loro cavalli di legno, o come quel gigantesco Toro di Berna11, che fu ucciso a Marignano, e che aveva preso per cavalcatura un grosso cannone petriere: bestia, come tutti sanno, dall'ambio sciolto e vivace.
In questo modo Hurtaly, dopo Dio, preservò l'Arca dal naufragio, perché la bilanciava ben bene con le gambe e la pilotava agevolmente col piede come si fa con il timone. Quelli che stavano dentro, per gratitudine, gli mandavano da mangiare a sufficienza attraverso un camino, e qualche volta conversavano insieme, come Icaromenippo con Giove, secondo che narra Luciano.
Avete capito bene? Allora beveteci sopra, e che sia di quello schietto. Perché, se non ci credete voi, io ci credo ancor meno – diceva lei.
CAPITOLO II
Sulla natività del temibilissimo Pantagruele
All'età di quattrocentoquattrovolteventi e quarantaquattro anni Gargantua generò Pantagruele da Badalocca sua moglie, figlia del re degli Amauroti in Utopia, che morì di parto, essendo che il parvolo era così meravigliosamente grande e pesante da non poter venire alla luce senza, al tempo stesso, soffocare la madre.
Ma per capire bene la causa e la ragione del nome che gli fu imposto al battesimo, dovete sapere che quell'anno ci fu una così grande siccità in tutta l'Africa che passarono trentasei mesi, tre settimane, quattro giorni, tredici ore e qualche minuto per giunta, senza che piovesse mai; con un sole e una calura così veementi che il suolo ne fu inaridito più ancora di quanto non lo diventasse ai tempi di Elia12, poiché non c'era albero sopra la terra che avesse foglia o fiore e nemmeno un filo d'erba che fosse ancora verde.
I fiumi e le fontane erano in secca; i poveri pesci, abbandonati dal loro elemento, andavano per le terre gridando orribilmente; gli uccelli, non reggendo più il volo per mancanza di rugiada13, piombavano giù per l'aria; lupi, volpi, cervi, cinghiali, daini, lepri, conigli, donnole, faine, tassi ed altri animali s'incontravano morti per i campi a gola spalancata. Quanto agli uomini, una vera pietà. Bisognava vederli, tutti con la lingua di fuori come tanti levrieri che abbiano corso sei ore. Molti si gettavano nei pozzi; altri si rifugiavano nel ventre di una vacca pur di stare all'ombra, e Omero li chiama Alibantes14. Tutto era fermo in tutta la contrada. Ed era proprio una pena vedere l'affanno della gente per difendersi da quell'orrenda calamità; al punto che fu una vera impresa preservare l'acqua benedetta nelle chiese. Ma furono presi tali provvedimenti, per consiglio dei signori cardinali e del Santo Padre, che nessuno osava prendere più di una benedizione per volta. E quando qualcuno entrava in una chiesa, ecco che una ventina di quei poveri assetati si stringevano attorno a colui che distribuiva l'acqua santa, con la gola spalancata, per averne una qualche gocciolina, così che non ne andasse perduta nemmeno un'idea. Beato chi, in quell'anno, si trovò a possedere una fresca e ben fornita cantina!
Racconta il Filosofo15, agitando la questione del perché l'acqua del mare sia salata, che quando Febo affidò il governo della sua luminifica carriola al figlio suo Fetonte, questo Fetonte, inesperto dell'arte, non sapendo come seguire la linea eclittica fra i due tropici della sfera solare, svariò dal giusto cammino e tanto si avvicinò alla terra che ridusse a secco tutte le contrade sottostanti e mise a fuoco una gran parte del cielo, quella chiamata via lactea dai filosofi e strada di San Giacomo dai Babbioni16: sebbene i poeti più ragguardevoli affermino trattarsi di quel tratto dove sgocciolava il latte di Giunone quando teneva Ercole alla poppa. La terra dunque si prese un riscaldo tale che cominciò a sudare, e tanto trasudava che trasudò di fuori tutto il mare, il quale perciò è salato; perché tutti i sudori sono salati, e voi stessi direte che non c'è dubbio se assaggerete il vostro o anche quello degli impestati quando li mettono a sudare nei forni; che per me fa tutt'uno.
Qualcosa di molto somigliante accadde nell'anno di cui parlo, poiché un giorno di venerdì, che tutta la gente era in gran divozione, con processioni, prediche, salmi e litanie, e tutti supplicavano l'Onnipotente di volerli riguardare con occhio benigno in tanto disconforto, si videro venir fuori dalla terra delle grosse gocce d'acqua come quando qualcuno suda copiosamente. E il popolo afflitto cominciò a rallegrarsi come a un segno di salvezza, poiché alcuni dicevano che, non essendovi nell'aria nemmeno un'ombra di umidità da cui sperare che venisse un po' di pioggia, la terra avrebbe provveduto di suo alla bisogna. Altri sapienti dicevano ch'era la pioggia degli antipodi, come narra Seneca nel libro quarto Questionum naturalium, parlando delle origini e delle fonti del Nilo. Ma non era che un inganno, e quando, finita la processione, tutti si precipitarono a raccogliere di quella rugiada per berne a garganella, s'accorsero ch'era soltanto una specie di salamoia, peggiore e più salata dell'acqua di mare. E siccome Pantagruele nacque proprio quel giorno, suo padre gli diede il nome che gli diede, perché, in greco, dire panta è come dire tutto e gruel, in lingua agarena17, è lo stesso che dire assetato; volendo significare così che alla nascita del figlio tutto il mondo era in preda alla sete, ed anche preannunciare, con ispirata chiaroveggenza, che un giorno egli sarebbe diventato re degli assetati, come del resto gli fu preconizzato per altri segni evidenti nella circostanza medesima.
Infatti, nel mentre che la madre Badalocca stava per metterlo al mondo e le comari aspettavano per riceverlo, dal ventre della partoriente si videro uscire prima sessantotto mulattieri ognuno dei quali tirava per la cavezza un mulo stracarico di sale; seguirono poi nove dromedari carichi di prosciutti e lingue di bue affumicate e sette cammelli carichi di anguille salate; e poi venticinque carrette di porri, agli, cipolle e cipollette. Questo spaventò enormemente le levatrici. Alcune però dicevano fra loro:
«Questa sì ch'è una bella provvigione. Prima qui si facevano bevute da desco, non da tedesco. Ma questo è un buon segno: è uno sprone all'amor di-vino».
E mentre cicalavano così di queste bazzecole, ecco venir fuori Pantagruele tutto villoso come un orso; per la qual cosa una di loro, con accento ispirato, vaticinò:
«Ecco, egli è nato con tutto il pelo, e compirà cose meravigliose. E se non muore, camperà».
CAPITOLO III
Dolore di Gargantua per la morte di Badalocca sua sposa
Quando Pantagruele ebbe finito di nascere, chi ne restò perplesso e smarrito fu Gargantua suo padre. Perché, vedendo da una parte la moglie morta – la sua Badalocca – e dall'altra il figliolo appena nato, così bello e grosso, non sapeva nemmeno lui cosa dire e cosa fare.
Il dubbio che turbava la sua mente era se dovesse piangere per il cordoglio della sposa o ridere per la gioia del figlio.
Per un verso e per l'altro, egli aveva parecchi e logici argomenti che lo assillavano senza tregua, giacché, se riusciva a ordinarli assai bene in modo et figura, non riusciva però a venirne a capo; e così restava impastoiato come un nibbio preso nel cappio o come un topo nella pece.
«Piangerò?» si chiedeva. «Sì, piangerò. E perché? Perché è morta la mia buona moglie. Essa era la più così e la più colà che esistesse al mondo. Io non la rivedrò mai più. Mai più ne troverò una simile. È una perdita inestimabile.
«O mio Dio!» supplicava. «Che cosa mai ti ho fatto per punirmi così? Perché non mandasti la morte a me prima che a lei, poiché la mia vita senza di lei non è che un lento morire?
«Oh, mia povera Badalocca!» sospirava. «Mia gentile, mia dolce amica, mia piccola fichettina» (diceva proprio così pur sapendo che lei ne aveva per un ettaro, tre biolche e sette pertiche) «mia tenerella, mia braghetta, mia ciabatta, mia pantofola, ecco! E misero me che mai più ti rivedrò!
«Oh, mio povero figlio!» gemeva. «Mio piccolo Pantagruele, che hai perduto la tua buona madre, la tua nutrice amatissima, la tua dolce signora!
«Ahi morte vigliacca!» imprecava. «Morte traditora! Ben feroce sei stata con me, che mi hai tolto la mia Badalocca, cui di diritto spettava l'immortalità».
E così lamentando, piangeva come una vacca. Ma poi d'improvviso si ricordava del suo Pantagruele e si metteva a ridere come un vitello.
«Oh il mio fantolino» diceva, «il mio bel coglioncino, il mio piedino tenero, quanto è mai grazioso! E quante mai grazie dovrò rendere a Dio che mi ha mandato un figlio così ben fatto, così allegro, ridente, e così bello! A pensarci bene, nessuno è più felice di me. E allora beviamoci sopra. Al diavolo i brutti pensieri.
«Si porti del migliore!» chiamò. «Si lavino i bicchieri e si stenda la tovaglia! – Cacciate fuori quei cani! – Attizzami quel fuoco, tu! – Le candele, accendete le candele! – Chiudi quella porta! – Prepara il pane per la zuppa! – Quei poveri, dategli quel che vogliono e mandateli via! – E tu fammi sparire questa palandrana, che voglio stare in libertà per festeggiare le comari come si deve».
Ma mentre così eccitato lietamente ordinava il festino, udì le litanie e i memento dei preti che conducevano la moglie all'avello, e preso a un tratto da altri pensieri, esclamò:
«Signore Iddio, dovrò dunque tornare a contristarmi? Questo proprio non mi va. Non sono più un ragazzo; divento vecchio; il tempo è cattivo; potrei prendermi anche una febbre, e già mi sento impazzire. Mia moglie è morta. Ebbene, per Dio – da veniam Jurandi18 – non la farò resuscitare con le mie lacrime. Lei sta bene. A dir poco è in paradiso, se non anche più in su. Lei prega Dio per noi. Le nostre miserie, le nostre calamità, beata lei, non la angustiano più. Può capitare lo stesso anche a noi. Dio conservi chi resta. Adesso devo pensare a trovarmene un'altra.
«E voi» diceva alle comari, «ma dove siete, brava gente, che non riesco più a vedervi? – voi, sapete cosa farete? Ci andrete voi al funerale. Io intanto me ne resto qui a cullare il mio Pantagruele. Perché mi sento una gran sete, e rischierei di prendermi un malanno. Ma prima pigliatevi una bella rinfrescata anche voi, che vi farà bene, credetelo sul mio onore».
Obbedienti, le brave comari, scolarono più d'un bicchiere, andarono al funerale e assistettero alla sepoltura. Nel frattempo, il povero Gargantua, rimasto all'ostello, compose l'epitaffio da scolpire sulla tomba di lei, che diceva così:
Morì di parto la mia Badalocca,
sghemba di faccia, di mente un po' tocca:
il corpo una stanga, la pancia un barile,
mai fu vista sembianza più gentile.
Pregate Iddio perché le sia propizio
e le perdoni se in nulla peccò.
Qui giace. Al mondo non conobbe vizio
e morì l'anno e il giorno che spirò.
CAPITOLO IV
L'infanzia di Pantagruele
Io trovo, presso gli antichi storiografi e poeti, che molti sono coloro che nacquero al mondo nei modi più strani e che sarebbe troppo lungo descrivere (leggetevi il VII libro di Plinio, se avete tempo da perdere); ma non si è mai saputo di una nascita così straordinaria come quella di Pantagruele, perché non si riesce nemmeno a immaginare quanto egli crescesse di corporatura e di forza in brevissimo tempo. È vero che Ercole, essendo ancora in fasce, uccise quei due serpenti; ma in fondo è cosa da nulla, perché si trattava di serpenti piccoli e malandati; mentre Pantagruele, anche lui appena nato, fece cose ben altrimenti spaventevoli.
Tralascio qui di ricordare come per ogni pasto egli succhiasse il latte di quattromilaseicento vacche e come, per fare un padellino dove cuocergli la pappa, fossero impiegati tutti i calderai di Saumur nell'Angiò, di Villedieu in Normandia, di Bramont in Lorena. Questa pappa poi gliela servivano in un grande abbeveratoio che ancora si trova vicino al palazzo di Bourges; ma i suoi denti erano già così cresciuti e saldi che con un morso ne portò via un gran pezzo, come tutti ancora oggi possono vedere.
Un bel giorno, verso mattina, che gli volevano dar la tetta di una delle sue vacche (perché altre balie non ebbe mai, come dice la storia), liberato un braccio dai cingoli che lo legavano alla culla, afferrò la vacca di sotto al garretto, le mangiò le mammelle e la pancia, compreso il fegato e i rognoni, e l'avrebbe divorata tutta se la bestia non avesse mugghiato orribilmente, come se i lupi l'azzannassero alle gambe. A quel grido disperato accorsero tutti e la vacca gli fu strappata dalle mani; non completamente, però, perché non riuscirono ad evitare che gliene restasse in pugno un garretto ch'egli assaporò tranquillamente come fareste voi d'una salsiccia. E quando fecero per portargli via l'osso, lui lo ingoiò in un momento come farebbe un cormorano con un pesciolino. Subito poi si mise a balbettare «pace pace» – perché non sapeva ancora parlare come si deve – volendo far capire che gli era piaciuto moltissimo e che non desiderava niente di meglio.
A tal vista, i domestici che lo accudivano, pensarono bene di legarlo alla culla con grossi cavi: grossi – per intenderci – come quelli che si fanno a Tain per i carichi di sale che vanno a Lione, o come quelli della Françoise, la grande nave arenata nel porto di Grâce in Normandia.
Ma una volta che un grossissimo orso allevato da suo padre ruppe il guinzaglio e andò a leccargli la faccia, perché le governanti non gliela avevano pulita a dovere, lui ti si liberò dalle funi con la stessa facilità di Sansone tra i Filistei, ti agguantò il signor bestione, te lo mise in pezzi come fosse un pollastro e te lo fece sparire in due bocconi con la stessa voracità del falcone quando gli date il premio della preda ancor calda.
Gargantua allora, per timore che potesse farsi del male, gli fece battere alla forgia quattro grosse catene di ferro e fece rinforzare la culla con archi di sostegno bene inchiavardati. Di quelle catene, una la si può vedere ancora alla Rochelle, dove vien tesa la sera fra le due torri che guardano il porto; un'altra è a Lione; un'altra ad Angers; e la quarta fu portata via da una masnada di diavoli per legare Lucifero, che in quel tempo sembrava impazzito a causa di una colica che si era presa per aver mangiato a colazione l'anima di un sergente furiere in fricassea e che lo tormentava orribilmente. Per cui potete dar credito tranquillamente a quel che dice Nicola de Lira riguardo a quel passo del Salterio dove è scritto Et Og regem Basan, che cioè questo re Og, ancora in fasce, era così grande e robusto che bisognava legarlo alla culla con catene di ferro19.
Come che sia, Pantagruele, con quelle catene, rimase quieto e pacifico per un po', perché non poteva romperle, soprattutto per la ragione che nella culla non c'era spazio abbastanza per dare il primo scossone con le braccia.
Ma ecco che venne un giorno nel quale, essendo festa grande, suo padre aveva convitato a banchetto tutti i prìncipi del reame. E io credo proprio che tutti gli uffiziali di bocca della corte fossero tanto occupati al servizio del festino che nessuno si dava pensiero del povero Pantagruele, il quale fu lasciato così a reculorum, solo soletto. Ma lui, allora, che ti fa? che ti combina, lui? State bene a sentire, brava gente.
Per prima cosa si provò a spezzare le catene, ma non vi riuscì perché erano troppo forti; allora cominciò a tempestare con i piedi e tanto fece che sfondò la spalliera della culla, benché fosse costruita con travoni di sette spanne quadrate; quando s'accorse di aver messo i piedi fuori, si lasciò scivolare come meglio poté fino a toccar terra; allora ce la mise tutta e riuscì a drizzarsi portandosi dietro la culla appesa alla schiena, come una tartaruga gigantesca che va su per un muro, tanto che a vederlo sembrava un barcone da cinquecento barili messo in piedi; così conciato, irruppe d'improvviso nella sala del banchetto con grande spavento di tutti; ma siccome le braccia le aveva ancora legate alle sponde della culla, non riuscendo a metter mano alla tavola, faceva di tutto per potersi chinare e tirar su qualche boccone con la lingua.
Suo padre allora comprese che lo avevano lasciato senza mangiare e, confortato dal consiglio dei prìncipi e signori presenti, comandò che lo sciogliessero dalle catene. I medici anzi dichiararono che se avessero continuato a tenerlo così legato dentro la culla sarebbe andato soggetto al mal della pietra per tutta la vita.
Quando fu liberato lo fecero sedere a tavola ed egli si rimpinzò ben bene; poi fece vendetta, mandando in mille pezzi la culla con un pugno secco e protestando a gran voce che non vi sarebbe rientrato mai più mai più.
CAPITOLO V
La giovinezza di Pantagruele
Così cresceva Pantagruele di giorno in giorno e metteva persona a vista d'occhio; della qual cosa il padre si rallegrava per affezione naturale. Ed essendo il figlio ancora piccino, gli fece fare una balestra (adesso la chiamano la grande balestra di Chantelle)20 perché si divertisse a dar la caccia agli uccelletti. Poi lo mandò a scuola ad istruirsi e a passarvi l'adolescenza.
Di fatto egli, recatosi a Poitiers21 per compiervi gli studi, vi soggiornò con grande profitto. E accortosi che a volte gli studenti si annoiavano non sapendo cosa fare nelle ore di libertà, un giorno, preso da compassione, staccò da una rupe chiamata Passelourdin22 un grande masso di circa dodici tese per lato e quattordici spanne di spessore23 e andò a posarlo lemme lemme sopra quattro pilastri in mezzo a un prato; così che gli studenti, quando non sapevano cos'altro fare, passassero il tempo a darvi la scalata, a far baldoria là sopra con buona scorta di fiaschi, pasticci e prosciutti, e a incidervi il loro nome con la punta del coltello. Adesso quel macigno si chiama Pierre Levée24. E in memoria di ciò nessuno divien più matricola all'università di Poitiers se prima non abbia bevuto alla fonte cavallina di Croutelle25, non sia passato per Passelourdin, e non sia salito sulla Pierre Levée.
In seguito Pantagruele, leggendo le bellissime cronache dei suoi antenati, trovò che Goffredo da Lusignano detto Goffredo dal Gran Dente26, nonno del biscugino della sorella maggiore della zia del genero dello zio della nuora di sua suocera era sepolto a Maillezais27; per cui, da persona ammodo, si prese una vacanza per andarne a visitare la tomba. Partendo da Poitiers con alcuni compagni, passò per Ligugé, dove si fermò a far due chiacchiere con il nobile abate Ardillon, quindi per Lusignano, per Sansay, per Celles, per Coulogne, per Fontenay-le-Comte – dove salutarono il dotto Tiraqueau – e di là arrivarono a Maillezais. Qui alla vista del sepolcro con il ritratto del famoso Goffredo dal Gran Dente, Pantagruele si prese anche un po' di paura perché l'antenato vi appariva con la faccia di un uomo furioso nell'atto di estrarre dal fodero la sua gran scimitarra; e indagò per conoscerne la ragione. I monaci del luogo gli dissero che non c'era altra ragione se non che Pictoribus atque Poetis28 ecc., cioè a dire che a pittori e poeti è permesso di rappresentare qualsiasi cosa a loro piacere ed arbitrio. Ma lui non rimase convinto e disse:
«Secondo me non è per caso che l'hanno ritratto così. Io dico che quando morì gli avranno giocato un brutto tiro e lui ne chiede vendetta ai suoi parenti. Farò in modo di vederci chiaro e saprò regolarmi di conseguenza».
Poi se ne partì, non già per ritornare a Poitiers, bensì con il proposito di visitare le altre università di Francia. Perciò, passando per La Rochelle, si mise per mare e giunse a Bordeaux, dove non trovò alcun fervore di studi se non quello dei chiattaioli che giocavano a carte sulla spiaggia.
Di là passò a Tolosa dove imparò assai bene a ballare e a tirar di scherma con lo spadone a due mani, com'è uso degli studenti di quella università; ma come seppe di un'altra loro usanza ch'era quella di bruciar vivi i professori come aringhe salate da affumicare, non vi rimase un minuto di più. Dio non voglia – si disse – che tocchi anche a me una sorte del genere. Sono già abbastanza assetato di natura senza bisogno di accaldarmi di più29.
A Montpellier trovò dei buonissimi vini di Mireval e allegra compagnia, e pensò di fermarsi là a studiar medicina. Ma poi considerò ch'era un mestiere troppo faticoso e malinconico e che i medici puzzavano di clistere come scoregge di vecchi diavoli30.
Allora pensò di studiar legge; ma quando s'avvide che in tutta la facoltà c'erano quattro legisti, di cui tre con la tigna e uno con la rogna, fece fagotto e se ne andò.
Lungo la strada, in meno di tre ore, edificò il ponte del Gard e l'anfiteatro di Nîmes (che tuttavia sembrano opera divina più che umana) e venne ad Avignone dove non passarono tre giorni che s'innamorò, perché le donne di Avignone giocano volentieri a strizzaculo essendo quella la città dei Papi.
Ma il suo pedagogo, Epistemone, pensò bene di portarlo via di là e lo condusse a Valenza nel Delfinato. Anche qui, però, c'era ben poco da imparare; inoltre i teppisti della città picchiavano gli studenti, e questo indignò fortemente Pantagruele.
Una bella domenica che tutti ballavano all'aperto, e uno studente fece per entrare nel ballo anche lui, quei manigoldi glielo impedirono. Allora Pantagruele diede loro addosso, li inseguì fino alle rive del Rodano e li avrebbe affogati tutti quanti se quelli non si fossero infilati sotto terra come talpe, per più di mezza lega sotto il letto del fiume, tanto che il buco si vede ancora31.
Poi se ne partì e in tre passi più un salto32 arrivò ad Angiers dove si trovò benissimo, e vi sarebbe rimasto per un po' se non avesse dovuto fuggirne a causa della peste.
Così capitò a Bourges dove studiò a lungo profittando moltissimo in dottrina giuridica. Talora diceva dei libri delle leggi che somigliavano a splendidi mantelli regali d'oro fino, meravigliosamente fastosi, ma orlati di merda. Perché, spiegava, non vi sono al mondo libri più belli, più ornati, più eleganti dei testi delle Pandette, ma la loro orlatura, cioè a dire la Glossa di Accursio, è tanto sconcia, infame e mefitica da riuscire nient'altro che un cumulo di immondizie e di trivialità.
Partendo da Bourges venne ad Orléans. Gli studenti di là eran gente rustica e schietta e gli fecero grande accoglienza. E poi andavano matti per la pallacorda e vi si esercitavano di continuo; e anche lui imparò questo gioco in pochi giorni e così bene che ne divenne il maestro. Certe volte anche lo conducevano alle isole dove se la spassavano giocando a spingisotto. Ma, quanto a rompersi la testa sui libri, lui se ne guardava bene per paura che gli calasse la vista, tanto più che uno dei rettori soleva dire nelle sue lezioni che non c'è niente di più nocivo alla vista della malattia degli occhi. E un giorno che fu promosso dottore in legge uno studente di sua conoscenza (il quale, come carico di sapienza non ne portava più di quanto ne potesse reggere, ma in compenso era bravissimo nella danza e nel gioco della pallacorda) lui compose questi versi come blasone e divisa dei laureati di quella università:
Una palla in tua braghetta,
in tua mano la racchetta,
nel becchetto33 la pandetta,
lieve al ballo pie' e tallone,
ed eccoti insignito gran Solone.
CAPITOLO VI
Come Pantagruele incontrò un Limosino che contraffaceva la lingua francese
Un giorno, non so quando, Pantagruele passeggiava fuori porta sulla via di Parigi con la solita compagnia, e s'imbattè in uno studentino tutto lindo e agghindato che veniva per la stessa strada.
«Donde vieni a quest'ora, amico mio?» gli chiese, dopo che si furono salutati.
Lo studentello s'impettorì come un tacchino e rispose:
«Vengo dalla frugifera, inclita, preclara accademia vocata Lutezia».
Frastornato, Pantagruele si volse a uno dei suoi:
«Cosa dice?»
«Dice che viene da Parigi».
«Così tu vieni da Parigi» disse Pantagruele. «E come ve la passate voialtri studenti, laggiù a Parigi?»
«Ah, noi transfertiamo la Sequana34 al diluculo e al crepusculo; noi deambuliamo per trivia et quadrivia dell'urbe; noi dischiumeggiamo la verbocinazione laziale e, da verisimili amorabundi, captiamo la benevoglienza dell'omnigiudice, omniforme et omnigeno sesso femminino. Certi dieculi noi inspiciamo nei lupanari e in estasi venerica inculchiamo il nostro vervinello su per i penitissimi recessi delle pudende di quelle amicabilissime meretricule. Deinde, nelle commendabili taberne della Pigna, del Castello, della Maddalena, della Mula, cauponizziamo spatule vervecine pulcherrime, perforaminate di petrosillo; et si quando per accidens siavi penuria o lacuna di pecunia e siano le marsupie nostre fatte vidue et diserte di ferruginati metalli, noi, summa cum dignitate, dimittiamo le nostre quodammodo oppignorate vestimenta et pandette, interdum instando i tabellari dei penati e patriottici lari ut faciant prestus. Tuctus qui».
«Che razza di linguaggio è mai questo?» esclamò Pantagruele. «Perdio, non sarai per caso un eretico?»
«Dominenò, perché io, non ancora illucesce la prima minutola pagliuzza dei dies35 che già libentissimamente demigro in aliqua di quelle così meravigliosamente architectate domusdei e là, memet aspergendo di copiosissime acque lustrali, mi rosicchio un qualche resticulo di mistiche precazioni dei nostri sacrificuli et submurmurigliando le mie precule orarie, dealbo et abstergo animam meam dalle notturne contaminazioni. Item revereo gli Olimpicoli, venereo latrialmente l'astripotente superno, diligo et redamo li proximi miei, observo i decalogici prescripti atque in conformitate delle mie vires non ne disbando un'unguicola quidem. Bene est veriforme quod, per la cagion che Mammone non ne supergurgita una guttula nei loculi della mia bisaccia, io mi riconosco aliquanto tardo et raro nella supererogazione delle limosine a quelli egeni che vanno queritando hostiatamente le loro stipe».
«Merda, merda!» esclamò Pantagruele. «Chissà diavolo cosa vuol dire questo matto. Secondo me sta macchinando qualche sortilegio diabolico per affattucchiarci tutti quanti siamo».
«Un mago?» disse uno dei suoi. «Ma no, signore, credete a me: questo vagheggino vuol scimmiottare la lingua dei Parigini e riesce soltanto a scorticare un po' di latino, e così si lusinga di pindareggiare e di erigersi a nume dell'oratoria francese soltanto perché disdegna l'uso del parlare comune».
«Ah, è così?» disse Pantagruele. E lo studente:
«Dominenò, mio sire: il mio genio non est per nulla naturaliter apto, siccome clamat codesto flagizioso nebulone, per abradere la cuticagnula di nostra gallica verbocinazione, quin etiam viceversamente semper mi enito36 cum vele et remi onde locupletarla di latinicoma ridondanza»37.
«Giuro, perdio, che ti insegnerò a parlare» disse Pantagruele, «ma prima rispondimi: di dove sei?»
«L'origine primeva dei miei avi e atavi» rispose lo studente «fu indigena delle regioni lemosiniche ove requiesce il corpo dell'aghiotato38 San Marziale».
«Ho capito» disse Pantagruele, «sei Limosino a tutto pasto e credi di farti bello contraffacendo la lingua di Parigi. Vieni, vieni qui che ti rifaccio la pettinatura».
Il povero Limosino cominciava a piagnucolare e Pantagruele lo prese per il collo.
«Tu scortichi il latino» gridava, «e io scortico te. Ti scortico vivo. Ti faccio vomitare l'anima, io!»
Tanto bastò perché il Limosino cambiasse registro:
«Ehi, dico, monsignor gentiluomo, vacci piano perdio, giù le mani, aiuto! ma cosa ti ho fatto io a te? Lasciami andare per la madonna. Oh, ma questo qui mi ammazza!»
«Adesso sì che parli schietto e naturale» disse Pantagruele allentando la presa. E poiché il meschino se l'era fatta nei calzoni, ch'erano a coda di merluzzo e quindi aperti sul didietro: «Per Santa Puzzola» esclamò, «che zibetto! Fila via alla svelta e che il diavolo t'inforchi, mangiarape della malora. Puzzi troppo!»
E con questo viatico lo lasciò andare per la sua strada.
Il Limosino ne rimase pieno di vergogna e di arsura per tutta la vita, tanto da dire spesso che Pantagruele lo prendeva alla gola39, e dopo pochi anni gli toccò di morire di sete come Orlando40, punendolo così la giustizia divina e mostrando quanto sia vero quello che dice il Filosofo e con lui Aulo Gellio: che è sempre meglio parlare secondo l'uso e che, come diceva Ottaviano Augusto, le parole inusitate sono da evitare con la stessa cura con cui i naviganti si guardano dagli scogli del mare.
CAPITOLO VII
Come Pantagruele andò a Parigi e i bei libri che trovò nella biblioteca di San Vittore
Dopo Orléans, avendo profittato assai bene nelle discipline di quell'università, Pantagruele decise di visitare la grande università di Parigi. Ma prima di partire venne informato che nei pressi della chiesa di Sant'Agnano, una grande, enorme campana giaceva impantanata al suolo da più di duecentoquattordici anni, perché tanto era grossa che non c'era stato verso di alzarla da terra nonostante ci avessero provato e riprovato con tutti gli accorgimenti di Vitruvio (De architettura), di Alberti (De re aedificatoria), di Erone (De ingeniis) nonché di Euclide, Theone e Archimede; accorgimenti che alla prova dei fatti non eran serviti a un bel niente. Per cui Pantagruele, ben contento di venire incontro all'umile richiesta dei cittadini di Orléans, decise di mettere la campana al suo posto, cioè sul campanile cui era destinata.
Recatosi infatti a Sant'Agnano e vista la campana, la sollevò da terra con il dito mignolo, così facilmente come potreste far voi con un sonaglino da sparviero; e prima di metterla a posto sul campanile volle far mattinata alla città andando a scampanare con quella per le strade di Orléans. E fu per tutti un gran divertimento, cui però tenne dietro una ben grave iattura, perché a quel frastuono che andava per le vie di porta in porta tutto il buon vino di Orléans fu mosso e si guastò. Del che la gente s'avvide soltanto la notte seguente, quando tutti furono presi da una così orribile sete per aver bevuto di quel vino infochito che non facevano altro che sputare; e sputavano bianco come il cotone di Malta. «Ci siamo presi una bella pantagruelite» gemevano, «e abbiamo il sale alla gola».
Fatto questo, Pantagruele se ne andò a Parigi con il suo seguito, e, come entrò in città, tutta la gente si rovesciò per le strade per vederlo, perché voi sapete bene che il sedizioso popolo di Parigi è sciocco al naturale, col bequadro e col bemolle. Tutti lo guardavano a bocca aperta e non senza gran paura che si prendesse sotto braccio il Palazzo di Città per portarlo magari in qualche luogo fuori mano come suo padre si era portato via le campane di Notre-Dame per attaccarle al collo della sua giumenta.
Dopo qualche tempo, essendosi dedicato convenientemente allo studio delle sette arti liberali, Pantagruele venne nella convinzione che Parigi era una città buona per viverci ma non per morirci, perché gli straccioni di Sant'Innocenzo si scaldavano il culo con le ossa dei morti41; e che la biblioteca di San Vittore era superlativamente magnifica soprattutto per alcuni libri che vi trovò; dei quali ecco il catalogo:
– Cariola salutis.
– Bragheta Juris.
– Pantofla Decretorum.
– Malogranatum Vitiorum.
– Il Bandolo teologale.
– Lo Spolverino dei predicatori, composto da Turlupino.
– Le Pachidermocoglie dei prodi.
– Le Fave porcine per vescovi.
– Marmotretus, De baboinis et cingis, cum commento Cecetorbi42.
– Decretum Universitatis Parisienis super muliercularum plenitudine tafanaria ac mamellaria ad libitum simulata.
– L'Apparizione di Santa Geltrude a una monaca che aveva il mal di madre.
– Ars honeste petandi in societate, per M. Ortuino43.
– La Mostardiera della penitenza.
– Lo Stivaletto di pece, ovvero il borzacchino della pazienza.
– Formicarium Artium.
– De brodiorum usu et honestate crapulandi, per Silvestrem Prieratem, Jacospinum44.
– Il Cornuto a corte.
– La Gerla dei notai.
– Le Coglie da matrimonio.
– Il Crogiolo di contemplazione.
– Le Bagatelle del Diritto.
– Il Pungolo del vino.
– Lo Sprone del formaggio.
– Depataccatorium scolarium.
– Tartaretus, De modo cacandi.
– Le Fanfare di Roma.
– Bricot, De differentiis zupparum.
– Il Culetto quaresimale.
– La Ciabatta dell'umiltà.
– Il Tripode dei buoni pensieri.
– Il Calderone di magnanimità.
– Gli Accrocchi dei confessori.
– Le Meringhe dei curati.
– Reverendi Patris Fratris Lubini, provincialis Pissipissiae, De sfanfanandis lardonibus libri tres.
– Pasquilli, Doctoris marmorei45, De capreolis cum articiocchis comedendis, tempore Papali ab Ecclesia interdicto.
– L'Invenimento della Santa Croce46, a sei personaggi, rappresentato dai dottor sottili.
– Gli Occhiali dei Romìpeti.
– Majoris, De modo faciendi budinos.
– La Cornamusa dei prelati.
– Beda, De optimitate triparum.
– Il Compianto degli avvocati per la riforma delle sportule.
– I Garbugli dei procuratori.
– Sui Piselli al prosciutto, cum commento.
– La Profittarola delle indulgenze.
– Preclarissimi Juris Utriusque Doctoris Magistri Pilloti Grattabaiocchis, De Raffazonandis Glossae Accursianae Bagolis, Repetitio albaclarior dilucidissima47.
– Stratagemata Francarcieri, di Bagnolet48.
– Guardianuvole, De re militari, cum figuris Tevoti49.
– De usu et utilitate scorticandi caballos et caballas, authore Maestro nostro de Quebecu.
– La Malacreanza dei pretonzoli.
– Maestro nostro Rostocostogambadasina, De Mustarda post prandium servienda, lib. quatuordecim, apostillati da M. Vaurrillon.
– Il Coglionatico dei Promotori ecclesistici.
– Quaestio subtilissima, utrum chimera in vacuo volitans possit comedere secundas intentiones, et fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in concilio Costantiensi.
– Il Cacafieno degli avvocati.
– Barbugliamenta Scoti.
– La Nottola dei Cardinali.
– De Speronibus removendis lib. undecim, per M. Albericum de Rosata.
– De castrametandis crinibus, lib. tres, dello stesso autore.
– L'Entrata di Antonio de Leiva nelle terre del Brasile50.
– Marforii Baccalarii Jacentis Romae, De strigliandis et paramentandis cardinalium mulis.
– Apologia dello stesso autore contro coloro i quali dicono che la Mula del Papa mangia solo alle sue ore.
– Prognosticatio que incipit «Silvi Zebedei ballata», per Magistrum nostrum Cattanimbos.
– Budarini episcopi, De emulgentiarum51 profictibus giaculatoriae novem, cum privilegio papali ad triennium et postea non.
– Il Fichino delle Pulzelle.
– Il Culo spelato delle vedove.
– La Cocolla dei frati.
– Il Pissi-pissi dei Padri Celestini.
– Il Pedaggio dei manducanti52.
– L'Arrotadenti dei gaglioffi.
– La Trappola dei teologi.
– Il Punzone dei mastri d'arte.
– I Marmittoni di Ockam a tonsura semplice.
– Magistri nostri Strippaguazzettis, De lardellationibus horarum canonicarum libri quadraginta.
– Mazzaculum confratrium, incerto authore.
– La Caverna dei buzzoni.
– Il Lezzo degli Spagnoli, superdecantilicantato da Frate Inigo.
– L'Assenzio vermifugo dei lavamarmitte.
– Poltronismus rerum italicarum, authore Magistro Bruleferl53.
– R. Lullius, De baloccamentis principum.
– Parpagnaccatorium pinzoccheriae, authore M. Jacopo Hocstratem, hereticometra.
– Scaldacoglioni, De Magistro nostrandorum Magistro nostratorumque tabernis, lib. otto galantissimi54.
– Lo Spetazzamento dei bollisti, copisti, correttori, abbreviatori, referendari e datari, compilato da Mastro Regis.
– Almanacco perpetuo per Gottosi e Impestati.
– De modis spazzandi fornellos, per M. Eccium55.
– Lo Spago dei mercanti.
– Gli Agi della vita monacale.
– L'Intingolo dei bigotti.
– La Storia dei Farfarelli.
– La Pitoccheria dei Millesoldisti56.
– I Raggiri degli Officiali.
– La Pellicina dei battiloro.
– Balocatorium Sorboniformium.
– Antipericatametaparlamadoscamphicribationes fratrum merdicantium57.
– Il Friggiculo58 dei poetastri.
– Il Soffietto degli alchimisti.
– La Ficasfatta dei questuanti, rattacconata da Fra Stringiforte.
– Gli Impedimenti della Santa Regola.
– Il Batocchio dei campanari.
– Il Bastone della vecchiaia.
– La Musoliera della nobiltà.
– Il Padrenostro della scimmia.
– I Manichini di Divozione.
– La Marmitta delle Quattro Tempora.
– Il Mortaio della politica.
– Lo Scacciamosche degli Eremiti.
– La Barbuta dei Penitenzieri.
– Il tric trac dei monaci puttanieri.
– Mastro Buzzurro, De vita et honestate bellimbustorum.
– Lyripipii sorbonici Moralisationes, per M. Leopoldum59.
– Le Pallependule dei viaggiatori.
– Potiones episcoporum vinolentium60.
– Tarraballationes Doctorum Coloniensium adversus Reuchlin61.
– I Cembali delle dame.
– La Martingala dei cacatori.
– Le Giravolte dei marcatori di pallacorda, di F. Piedipalle.
– Gli Scarponi del fegatoso.
– La Mascherata dei fistoli e dei folletti.
– Gerson, De deponendo pape ab Ecclesia.
– La Treggia dei promossi e dei graduati.
– Giov. Riccobrodo, De terribilitate excomunicationum libellus acephalos.
– Ingegnositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per M. Guingolfum.
– Lo Spezzatino dei Trappisti.
– La Moresca degli eretici.
– Le Bevute62 di Gaetano.
– Immollagrugni doctoris cherubici, De origine gattemortuarum et torticollorum ritibus lib. septem.
– Sessantanove breviari in conserva di sugna.
– L'Epa croia dei cinque ordini dei Mendicanti.
– La Pelletteria dei mangialupini, estratto dal borzacchino giallo incornifistibulato nella Summa Angelica.
– L'Abbacone dei casi di coscienza.
– La Giara dei presidenti.
– Il Cazzodasino degli abati.
– Sutoris, Adversus quendam qui vocaverat eum farabulonatorem et quod farabulonatores non sunt damnati ab Ecclesia.
– Cacatorium medicorum.
– Lo Spazzacamino dell'Astrologia.
– Campi clysteriorum, per Symphorien Champier.
– Il Tirapeti degli speziali.
– Il Baciaculo di Chirurgia.
– Justinianus, De Cagotis tollendis.
– Antidotarium animae.
– Merlinus Coccaius, De patria diabolorum.
Dei quali alcuni sono già stampati e gli altri in corso di stampa in questa nobile città di Tubinga.
CAPITOLO VIII
Come Pantagruele, stando a Parigi, ricevette una lettera dal padre, e quello che vi era scritto
Come potete immaginare, Pantagruele studiava in modo egregio e profittava di conseguenza, perché egli possedeva un intendimento a doppio risvolto e una memoria della capacità di dodici otri più qualche botte da olio; e a Parigi, dove tuttavia dimorava, ricevette un giorno dal padre una lettera che diceva così:
«Mio caro figlio,
«Fra tutti i doni, grazie e prerogative onde il sovrano artefice, Dio onnipotente, ha dotato ed ornato l'umana natura fin dal suo primo cominciamento, singolare ed eccellente sembra a me la facoltà per la quale essa può, nel suo stato mortale, conseguire una sorta di immortalità e perpetuare, nel corso effimero di una vita, il proprio nome e la propria semenza. E ciò per discendenza da noi generata in legittimo matrimonio: venendoci così in qualche modo restituito quello che ci fu tolto a causa del peccato dei nostri primi parenti ai quali fu detto che, per aver disobbedito al comandamento di Dio creatore, sarebbero morti e che, con la morte, la nobilissima forma in cui l'uomo era stato plasmato sarebbe tornata nel nulla.
«Mercé questa propagazione seminale perdura nei figli ciò che si estinse nei genitori, e nei nipoti ciò che venne meno nei figli, e così di tempo in tempo fino al giorno del giudizio finale, quando Cristo Gesù avrà restituito al Padre Celeste il suo regno pacificato, immune ormai da ogni pericolo e contaminazione di peccato; perché a quel tempo la terrestre vicenda del nascere e del perire sarà terminata e gli elementi saranno affrancati dalle loro incessanti trasmutazioni, dacché la pace tanto desiderata sarà piena e compiuta e tutte le cose saranno pervenute alla perfezione del loro ultimo fine.
«Dunque non è senza giusta cagione, e ragionevole, che io rendo grazie a Dio, mio salvatore, per avermi egli concesso di veder rifiorita la mia canuta vecchiezza nella tua rigogliosa gioventù; giacché, al momento che, piacendo a Lui che tutto regge e governa, la mia anima si partirà da questa umana dimora, non mi parrà di morire totalmente, bensì di passare da un luogo in un altro, stante che in te e per te io rimango in questo mondo sotto visibile aspetto, vivendo, vedendo e conversando fra persone onorate e vecchi amici, com'era mia consuetudine. La quale consuetudine, mercé l'aiuto e la grazia divina, è stata non già senza peccato (lo confesso, perché tutti pecchiamo e ci volgiamo di continuo a Dio perché cancelli le nostre colpe) ma senza disonore.
«Per la qual cosa, se mai accadesse che in te non rifulgano le qualità dell'animo mio così come perdura l'immagine del mio corpo, tu non potresti essere riguardato come la gemma e il custode dell'immortalità del nostro nome, e io ben poco avrei di che gioire, considerando come sia preservata e fiorente la parte infima di me che è il mio corpo e degenerante invece e imbastardita la parte migliore: l'anima intendo, cui tutto è dovuto se il nostro nome resterà imperituro e benedetto fra le genti. Né questo ti dico per diffidenza che io abbia della tua virtù, che già conosco per prova, bensì per incoraggiarti a migliorare e perfezionarti ognor più. E neppure, con ciò che al presente ti scrivo, intendo esortarti a vivere più nobilmente, quanto piuttosto a gioire di aver vissuto e di vivere così, e a riprendere lena e coraggio per gli anni a venire.
«Ad avviare e condurre a buon fine una simile impresa puoi ben rammentare che nulla ho risparmiato, che anzi in ciò ti ho assistito come se nulla al mondo avessi di più prezioso che di vederti un giorno uomo compiuto e perfetto, tanto in virtù, dignità e probità, quanto in ogni dottrina liberale e onorevole, e di lasciarti dopo la morte tal quale uno specchio raffigurante la persona di me tuo padre e, se non così eccellente di fatto come ti auguro, tale almeno e sicuramente nel desiderio.
«Ma ancorché mio padre Gargamagna, di buona memoria, avesse posto ogni cura nel farmi avanzare al possibile in ogni perfezione e dottrina di governo, e ancorché il mio lavoro e il mio studio corrispondessero assai bene e andassero persino al di là delle sue aspirazioni, i tempi tuttavia, come tu puoi comprendere, i tempi non erano così propizi né adatti alle buone lettere come lo sono oggidì, né io ho potuto avere tanti e tali precettori quali invece hai potuto avere tu.
«I tempi erano ancora tenebrosi e ancora pativano le afflizioni e le calamità della gotica barbarie che aveva fatto scempio di ogni buona letteratura. Ma oggi – bontà divina – è stata restituita alle lettere luce e dignità, ed io vedo in questo tale un avanzamento che ora a stento sarei ammesso alle prime classi degli scolaretti, io che nella mia età virile ero reputato, e non a torto, il più dotto del secolo. Né questo io dico a te per vana iattanza (benché potrei pur farlo scrivendoti, giusta l'autorità di Cicerone – De Senectute – e conforme la sentenza di Plutarco nel libro Sul lodarsi da se stesso senza invidia) bensì per accendere l'animo tuo a più alte ambizioni.
«Adesso tutte le discipline sono rimesse in onore, le lingue restituite: il Greco – senza il quale è vergogna che una persona possa chiamarsi dotta –, l'Ebraico, il Caldaico, il Latino; e sono in uso stampe mirabilmente eleganti e corrette che furono inventate ai miei tempi per ispirazione divina, così come, al contrario, per consiglio diabolico, le artiglierie63. Il mondo, oggidì, è pieno di gente colta, di precettori dottissimi, di grandissime biblioteche, e io penso che nemmeno ai tempi di Platone, di Cicerone o di Papiniano vi fossero tante opportunità di studio quante se ne trovano oggi e che d'ora in avanti non si darà più il caso di dover incontrare per strada o in conversazione persona che non siasi dirozzata nell'officina di Minerva. Io vedo i briganti, i carnefici, gli avventurieri, gli staffieri di oggi più dotti dei dottori e predicatori del mio tempo.
«E che più? Le donne e le fanciulle aspirano anch'esse a questo vanto, a questa manna celeste che è la buona dottrina; di guisa che io, all'età in cui mi trovo, ho dovuto acconciarmi ad apprendere la lingua dei Greci; non già ch'io l'avessi disprezzata, come Catone, ma perché non si dava, al tempo della mia giovinezza, alcuna opportunità di studiarla, e volentieri oggi mi diletto a leggere i Moralia di Plutarco, i bei Dialoghi di Platone, i Monumenti di Pausania, le Antichità di Ateneo, aspettando l'ora in cui piacerà a Dio mio signore di trarmi da questo asilo terreno chiamandomi a sé.
«Per cui, figlio mio, ti ammonisco a che tu impieghi la tua giovinezza a ben profittare e in dottrina e in virtù. Tu vivi a Parigi ed hai Epistemone per tuo precettore; l'uno potrà istruirti con i suoi insegnamenti a viva voce, l'altra con commendevoli esempi.
«Io intendo e voglio che tu apprenda le lingue perfettamente: in primo luogo il Greco, come prescrive Quintiliano; in secondo luogo il Latino; e poi l'Ebraico per le sacre scritture, e il Caldaico anche e l'Arabico. E che tu modelli il tuo stile sull'esempio di Platone quanto al Greco e di Cicerone quanto al Latino, e che non vi sia storia la quale tu non tenga a mente, al che ti aiuterà la Cosmografia di coloro che ne hanno scritto.
«Per quel che riguarda le arti liberali – geometria, aritmetica e musica – io ti ho aiutato a prendervi qualche piacere quando eri ancora bambino, in età di cinque o sei anni; non le trascurare e apprendi ciò che resta. Dell'astronomia dovrai conoscere tutte le leggi; e lascia pur perdere l'astrologia divinatoria e l'arte di Lullo64 come quelle che sono inganno e vanità. Del diritto civile voglio che tu sappia i testi a mente e me li esponga con argomentazioni filosofiche.
«Quanto ai fatti della natura dovrà guidarti la volontà di tutto conoscere: che non vi sia mare, fiume o fontana che tu non sappia i pesci che vi stanno; e così per gli uccelli dell'aria, gli alberi tutti e arbusti e frutici della foresta, tutte le erbe della terra, tutti i metalli nascosti nelle profondità degli abissi, tutte le pietre preziose d'Ostro e d'Oriente, e che nulla ti rimanga ignoto.
«Rivediti con cura i libri dei medici Greci, Arabi e Latini, senza disdegnare Talmudisti e Cabalisti; con frequenti anatomie procura di acquistare una perfetta conoscenza di quell'altro universo che è l'uomo; e in fine per qualche ora ogni giorno datti a leggere le Sacre Scritture: prima di tutto il Nuovo Testamento e le Lettere degli Apostoli, in Greco, e poi, in Ebraico, il Vecchio Testamento.
«E voglio poi che al più presto tu dia prova di quanto hai profittato, il che non in modo migliore potrai fare che cimentandoti pubblicamente in dissertazioni d'ogni disciplina, con tutti e contro tutti, e usando con persone dotte, a Parigi come altrove.
«Ma – poiché secondo il saggio Salomone Sapienza mai non alberga in cuore malvagio e Scienza senza Coscienza altro non è che rovina dell'anima – ti converrà servire il tuo Dio, amarlo e temerlo riponendo in lui ogni tuo pensiero e speranza; e con fede fatta carità tenerti a Lui così stretto che mai il peccato te ne separi. Guardati dalle lusinghe del mondo; non perdere il tuo cuore in cose vane perché questa vita è peritura, ma la parola di Dio dimora eterna. Servi il tuo prossimo e amalo come te stesso. Onora i precettori. Fuggi la compagnia di quelli ai quali non vorresti somigliare, e fa che non siano vane le grazie che Dio ti ha elargito. E quando capirai di aver conseguito tutto il sapere dei libri e dei maestri di costà, ritorna a me ch'io ti veda e possa darti la mia benedizione prima di morire.
«Figlio mio, la pace e la grazia del Signore siano sempre con te. Amen.
«Da Utopia, questo diciassettesimo giorno del mese di marzo,
«Tuo padre,
Gargantua».
Ricevuta questa lettera, Pantagruele prese nuovo coraggio e si buttò a studiare con più slancio e più profitto che mai, di sorta che a vederlo così infervorato a imparare sempre più avreste detto che il suo spirito fra i libri era come il fuoco in uno scopeto, tanto appariva infaticabile e crepitante.
CAPITOLO IX
Come Pantagruele incontrò Panurgo, che amò per tutta la vita
Passeggiava un giorno Pantagruele fuori città, conversando e filosofando coi suoi e con alcuni studenti, quando, nei pressi dell'Abbazia di Sant'Antonio, vide farglisi incontro un uomo di bella statura e di nobili lineamenti, ma così pieno di ferite, sgraffi e lividure, e così sbrindellato e sudicio da far pensare a un raccoglitore di mele del paese di Perche o addirittura a un vagabondo appena scampato alla furia dei cani.
«Guardate quell'uomo che viene dal ponte Charenton» disse subito Pantagruele. «Parola mia, quello non è nato straccione come sembra, anzi di ricca e nobilissima stirpe. Si capisce al solo portamento. Sono le avventure che capitano alle persone irrequiete e avide di conoscenza che l'hanno ridotto così». E come l'uomo si fu avvicinato, lo pregò di fermarsi e di rispondere alle sue domande. «Non ve ne pentirete» soggiunse, «amico mio, perché le strettezze in cui vi vedo mi ispirano una grande pietà e io ho un gran desiderio di aiutarvi quanto posso. Chi siete? Donde venite? Dove andate? Cosa cercate? Qual è il vostro nome? Parlate, amico mio».
Lo sconosciuto si fermò e gli rispose in tedesco:
«Juncker, Gott geb euch Glück unnd hail. Zuvor, lieber Juncker, ich las euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm unnd erbarmglich ding, unnd wer vil darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdruslich zu haeren, unnd mir zu erzelen wer, vie vol, die Poeten unnd Orators vorzeiten haben gesagt in iren Sprüchen und Sententzen, das die Gedechtnus des Ellends unnd Armuot vorlangst erlitten ist ain grosser Lust»65.
Al che Pantagruele:
«Amico mio, questa vostra lingua bislacca io non la capisco. Perciò, se volete che v'intenda, spiegatevi altrimenti».
E l'«amico», di rimando:
«Al barildim gotfano dech min brin alabo dordin falbroth ringuam albaras. Nin porth zadilkin almucathim milko prim al elmin enthoth dal heben ensouim: kuth im al dim alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michas im endoth, pruch dal maisoulum hol moth dansririm lupaldas im voldemoth. Nin hur diavolth mnarbothim del gousch pal frapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min foulthrich al conin butathen doth dal prim»66.
«Voi ci avete capito niente?» chiese Pantagruele guardandosi attorno.
«Io credo» disse Epistemone, «che sia la lingua degli Antipodi. Nemmeno il diavolo ci caverebbe le corna».
«Compare» disse allora Pantagruele, «io non so se vi capiscano i muri: noi no di certo».
E il viandante:
«Signor mio, voi vedete per essempio che la cornamusa non suona mai s'ela non a il ventre pieno; cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non a la solita refectione, al quale è adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale et del tuto annichillati».
«Come prima, peggio di prima» disse Epistemone.
«Lard» disse allora il viandante, «ghest tholb be sua virtiuss be intelligence ass yi body schall biss be naturall relvtht, tholb suld of me pety have, for nature hass ulss egualy maide; bot fortune sum exaltit hess, and oyis deprevit. Non ye less viois mou virtiuss deprevit and virtiuss men descrivis, for, anen ye lad end, iss non gud»67.
«Zuppa e pan bagnato», disse Pantagruele.
Al che lo sconosciuto:
«Jona andie, guaussa goussyetan behar da er remedio beharde versela ysser landa. Anbates oyto y es nausu eyn essassu gour ray proposian ordine den. Nonyssena bayta facheria egabeb genherassy badia sadassu nouraa ssia. Aran hondovan gualde cydassu nay dassuna. Estou oussyc eguinan soury hin er darstura eguy harm. Genicoa plasar vadu»68.
«Genicoa Genicoa!69 Volete forse dire che vi chiamate Genicoa?» disse Eudemone.
«Per San Tregnano!» esclamò a sua volta lo staffiere Carpalim. «Sapete che ero lì lì per capire? Per me questo qui è uno scozzese».
E Panurgo parlò per la sesta volta:
«Prug grest frins sorgdmand strochdt drhds pag brlelang Gravor Chavigny Pomardière rusth pkalhdracg Devinière près Nays. Bouille kalmuch monach drupp delmeupplist rincq dlrndodelb up drent loch minc stz rinquald de vins ders crodelis but jocststzampenards»70.
«Ma insomma, amico» disse Epistemone, «parlate cristiano o la vostra è la lingua di Pathelin?71 Ma no, ma no, ho capito: è la lingua del paese delle Lanterne».
Allora, con l'aria di scusarsi, Panurgo parlò in olandese:
«Heere, ie en spreeke anders geen taele, dan kersten taele: my dunct nochtans, al en seg ie u niet een woordt mynen nood verklaart ghenonch wat ie beglere; gheest my wyt bermherticheyt yet waer un ie ghevoed magh zunch»72.
«Buio pesto!» disse Pantagruele.
«Seignor» disse allora il viandante, «de tanto hablar yo soy cansado. Por que suplico a Vuestra Reverencia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movant Vuestra Reverencia a lo que es de consciencia; y si ellos non bastarent para mover Vuestra Reverencia a piedad, yo supplico que mire a la piedad natural, la qual yo creo que le movra como es de razon, y con esto non digo mas»73.
«Amico» sospirò Pantagruele, «io non dubito affatto che voi sappiate parlare alla perfezione lingue diverse; ma diteci per piacere ciò che vi serve in una lingua che noi possiamo intendere».
«Myn Herre» ricominciò Panurgo per tutta risposta, «endog, jeg med inghen tunge ta lede, lygeson boeen, ocq uskuulig creatner! Myne Kleebon och my ne legoms magerhed udviser alligue klalig huuad tyng meg meest behoff girered somder sandeligh mad och drycke: hvuarpor forbarme teg omsyder offuermeg; oc befarlat gyffuc meg nogueth; aff hvylket ieg kand styre myne groeendes magher lygeruff son man Cerbero en soppe forsetthr. Soa shal tuloeffue lenge och lycksalight»74.
«Io credo» disse Epistemone, «che i Goti parlassero così. E se Dio lo volesse, anche noi potremmo parlare così, col culo».
Ma l'«amico» non si perse d'animo:
«Adoni» disse, «scholom lecha: im ischar harob hal habdeca, bemeherah thithen il kikar lehem, chancatbub: Laah al Adonia chonenral»75.
«Finalmente ho capito» esclamò Epistemone, «questo è ebraico della più bell'acqua, e di bella pronuncia, anche!»
Lo sconosciuto scosse la testa:
«Despota tinyn panagathe» disse, «diati sy mi uc artodotis? horas gar limo analiscomenon eme athlios. Ce en to metaxy eme uc eleis udamos, zetis de par emu ha u chre, ce homos philologi pantes homologusi tote logus te kerhemata peritta hyparchin, opote pragma afto pasi delon esti. Entha gar anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetumen) me phosphoros epiphenete»76.
«Ma è chiaro!» gridò Carpalim. «Parla greco! Io l'ho capito benissimo. Com'è questa storia? Hai abitato da quelle parti?»
«Agonou dont oussys» replicò ancora Panurgo, «vou denaguez algaron, nou den farou zamist vou mariston ulbrou, fousquez vou brol tam bredaguezmoupreton den goul houst, daguez daguez nou croupys fost bardou noflist nou grou. Agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol panygou den bascrou nou dous cagnous goulfren goul oust troppassou»77.
Questa volta fu Pantagruele a credere di averci capito qualcosa. «Dalla pronuncia» disse, «mi par proprio che sia la parlata del mio paese di Utopia». E stava per intraprendere una conversazione quando quello gli tolse la parola di bocca protestando altamente in latino:
«Jam toties vos, per sacra, perque deos deasque omnis obtestatus sum, ut, si qua vos pietas, permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio clamans et ejulans. Sinite, queso, sinite, viri impii, Quo me fata vocant abire, nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veteris illius adagi, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur»78.
«Ma insomma, amico mio, proprio non sapete parlare in francese?» disse Pantagruele.
«Come no?» fu la risposta. «Lo parlo benissimo, grazie a Dio. Il francese è la mia lingua naturale e materna. Io, se non lo sapete, sono nato nel giardino di Francia, in Turenna appunto, e là ho vissuto la mia prima giovinezza».
«Ma allora, in nome di Dio» esclamò Pantagruele, «raccontate, diteci il vostro nome e di dove venite, perché, parola mia, sono talmente preso di simpatia per voi che, se vi piacerà, se sarete d'accordo, non vi allontanerete mai più dal mio fianco, e faremo una nuova coppia di amici per la vita, né più né meno di Acate ed Enea».
«Signore, il mio nome di battesimo, quello vero, è Panurgo, e al presente vengo dalla Turchia, dove fui condotto prigioniero quando, all'assedio di Mitilene79 andammo tutti alla malora, e volentieri vi racconterei le mie peripezie che sono ancor più straordinarie di quelle di Ulisse; ma poiché vi piace tenermi con voi – e io acconsento con gioia, né mai vi lascerò quand'anche vi piacesse di andare a tutti i diavoli – avremo tutto il comodo di parlarne a miglior tempo, perché, per adesso, io ho bisogno urgentissimo di mangiare: denti affilati, ventre vuoto, una fame che stride; insomma tutto a punto; e se vorrete mettermi alla prova, sarà uno spasso vedermi mandar giù. Date ordini in nome di Dio!»
Pantagruele allora comandò che lo scortassero alla sua dimora e là gli apparecchiassero ogni ben di Dio. Così fu fatto, e Panurgo desinò splendidamente, andò a letto con le galline e dormì fino all'indomani all'ora del pranzo, di modo che non gli ci vollero più di tre passi e un salto per rimettersi a tavola.
CAPITOLO X
Come Pantagruele fu invitato a dirimere una controversia meravigliosamente oscura e difficile e come giudicò con tal senso di giustizia che la sua sentenza fu dichiarata altamente ammirevole
Un giorno Pantagruele, non dimentico delle lettere e degli ammonimenti di suo padre, volle mettere alla prova il suo sapere, e fece affiggere nei crocicchi della città ben novemilasettecentosessantaquattro enunciati su tutto lo scibile, attinenti alle questioni più controverse di ciascuna scienza.
Per cominciare, in via della Paglia, si misurò con tutti i professori, studenti di filosofia ed altri oratori, e tutti li mise culo a terra.
Poi, alla Sorbona, tenne testa a tutti i teologi per sei settimane, dalle quattro del mattino alle sei di sera, salvo due ore di intervallo per mangiare e ristorarsi, con licenza altresì per i dottori sorbonicoli di sbevazzare e rinfrescarsi alle loro abituali baccanelle. E a queste dispute furono presenti quasi tutti i signori della Corte: referendari, presidenti, consiglieri, magistrati della camera dei conti, segretari, avvocati e altri, come pure gli scabini della città, medici e canonisti. E notate che la più parte di costoro mordevano il freno, ma nonostante tutti i loro ergo e sofismi e paralogismi, li fece tutti di sale e dimostrò loro solennemente ch'essi altro non erano che vitelli togati.
Per cui la sua fama prese il volo e dovunque era un gran dire del suo sapere meraviglioso. Ne parlavano persino le donnette: lavandaie, ruffiane, rosticciere, coltellinaie e altre ancora, le quali, al vederlo passare, dicevano «È lui!». E lui ne prendeva piacere come Demostene, il principe degli oratori greci, allorché una vecchietta accoccolata, segnandolo a dito, disse «Ecco, è quello là!».
Pendeva a quel tempo davanti alla corte una lite tra due gran signori: il signor de' Baciaculi da una parte, querelante, e il signor de' Fiutapeti, convenuto, dall'altra. E la loro controversia era così ardua e sottile in linea di diritto che, per la corte del Parlamento, era come sentir parlare ostrogoto. Ragion per cui, per ordine del re, furono convocati i quattro dignitari più dotti e più panciuti di tutti i parlamenti di Francia, nonché il Gran Consiglio al completo e i più famosi accademici delle università non soltanto francesi, ma anche di Inghilterra e d'Italia, come Giasone, Filippo Decio, Petrus de Petronibus e un mucchio di altri vecchi parrucconi80.
Così riuniti per quarantasei settimane, non erano riusciti a cogliere e tantomeno a definire il nocciolo della questione sì da poterne giudicare in un modo qualsiasi al lume del diritto, e n'erano talmente confusi e inveleniti che si cacavano sotto per la vergogna.
Ma un giorno ch'erano tutti là, filobrighimpastoiati di cervello, uno di loro chiamato Du Douhet, il più esperto e prudente di tutti, parlò così:
«Signori, è già gran tempo che siamo qui senza far altro che perdere il fiato e non riusciamo a toccar fondo né sponda di questa materia, che anzi quanto più cerchiamo di farvi luce tanto più oscura diventa. Ecco allora che cosa ho pensato. Voi tutti certamente avrete udito parlare di quel grande personaggio, chiamato Mastro Pantagruele, il quale nelle grandi dispute da lui pubblicamente e contro tutti sostenute, è stato riconosciuto uomo sapientissimo al di là di ogni possibilità del nostro tempo. Io sono dell'avviso di chiamarlo a noi, così che noi possiamo conferire con lui intorno a questo affare, perché, se non ne viene a capo lui, nessun altro mai vi riuscirà». Alla quale proposta, quei dottori e consiglieri unanimemente acconsentirono.
E infatti lo mandarono subito a cercare e lo pregarono di voler riordinare e setacciare ben bene tutto il dibattimento e riferirne a loro in quei termini ch'egli ritenesse conformi alla vera scienza del giure; e rimisero poi nelle sue mani i sacchi con tutte le carte – titoli ed atti – che, messi insieme, facevano il carico di quattro asini grandi e robusti.
Ma Pantagruele volle sapere se quei due messeri che avevano impiantato la lite fossero ancora in vita, e gli fu risposto che sì. «Allora» dichiarò, «a che diavolo serve tutto questo pattume di carte, duplicati, atti e contratti? Non è meglio sentir le loro ragioni dalla viva voce e dell'uno e dell'altro, invece di rompersi la testa a leggere tutte queste babbuinerie che non sono altro che inganni, arti diaboliche, cautele di Mastro Cipolla81 e travisamenti del diritto? Perché io sono certo che voi e tutti quelli che hanno avuto per le mani questo processo ci avete strologato sopra a più non posso et pro et contra, e quand'anche la controversia fosse chiara e patente e di facile soluzione, voi l'avete resa oscura con le sciocche e sragionevoli ragioni e le opinioni inette degli Accursio, dei Baldo, dei Bartolo, dei Castro, dei De Imola, degli Ippolito, dei Panormo, dei Bartacchino, degli Alessandro, dei Cursio e di tutti quegli altri vecchi mastini che non hanno mai capito una virgola di tutte le pandette, perché non hanno in testa una sola briciola di quel che serve alla intelligenza delle leggi.
«Giacché, come ormai è ben certo, essi non sapevano né di greco né di latino, ma soltanto di gotico e barbarico. Mentre che le leggi vengono a noi primamente dai Greci, come ne attesta Ulpiano, al libro II, De origine juris82, e tutte son piene di sentenze e vocaboli greci; e in secondo luogo sono redatte nello stile più elegante ed ornato che vanti la lingua latina, non facendo eccezione, a mio gusto, né per Sallustio o Varrone, o Cicerone, o Seneca, o Livio o Quintiliano. Come avrebbero dunque potuto, questi vecchi farnetici, comprendere il testo delle leggi, loro che non videro mai un libro di buona lingua latina, come appare chiaramente dal loro stile che è stile da spazzacamini, da cuochi e marmittoni e non certo da giureconsulti?
«Inoltre, visto che le leggi son tratte dall'essenza della filosofia morale e naturale, come avrebbero potuto intenderle questi matti che han studiato filosofia tanto quanto e non più, anzi di meno della mia mula? Quanto poi alle umane lettere e alla conoscenza della storia e delle antichità, essi n'erano onusti quanto un rospo è carico di penne e se ne giovavano quanto un crocefisso di un piffero83, mentre tutte le leggi ne son piene, né possono essere intese senza di quelle come un giorno dimostrerò più distesamente per iscritto.
«Conseguentemente, se volete ch'io prenda cognizione del processo, in primo luogo mi consentirete di dare alle fiamme tutte queste carte, e in secondo luogo farete comparire davanti a me personalmente i due gentiluomini e, quando li avrò ascoltati, vi dirò la mia opinione senza infingimenti o dissimulazioni».
Su questo alcuni avevano da ridire, perché come sapete, in tutte le adunanze son più i matti che i savi e sempre succede che i più han ragione dei meno come dice Tito Livio a proposito dei Cartaginesi84. Ma il detto Du Douhet tenne fronte con fermezza, sostenendo che Pantagruele aveva ben parlato e che tutti quei verbali, comparse, requisitorie, repliche, ricuse e controricuse e altrettali diavolerie non erano altro che sovversioni del diritto, buone soltanto a far durare eterne le liti, e che il diavolo avrebbe fatto una sola infornata di tutti loro se non avessero cambiato registro operando secondo l'evangelica e filosofica equità.
Conclusione: tutte le carte furono bruciate e i due gentiluomini convocati personalmente.
«Siete voi le parti in causa di questa grande controversia?» chiese loro Pantagruele.
«Sì, signore» risposero.
«Chi di voi è l'attore?»
«Sono io» disse il signor de' Baciaculi.
«Ebbene, amico mio, esponetemi punto per punto l'affare, conforme verità, perché, ziocristo, se sgarrate una virgola dal vero, io vi stacco la testa dalle spalle, per dimostrarvi che in tribunale davanti alla Giustizia si deve dire la verità e nient'altro che la verità. E dunque guardatevi bene di nulla aggiungere e nulla togliere alla descrizione del vostro caso. Parlate».
CAPITOLO XI
Come il signor de' Baciaculi e il signor de' Fiutapeti si difesero senza avvocati davanti a Pantagruele
Allora il signor de' Baciaculi esordì nel modo seguente:
«Signore, la verità vera è che una brava donna di casa mia portava a vendere delle uova al mercato...»
«Tenete pure in capo, Baciaculi» disse Pantagruele.
«Mille grazie, signore. Ma il fatto si è che proprio quel giorno, nemmeno a farlo apposta (avendo saputo che sui monti Rifei c'era stata quell'anno una gran carestia di patacche dovuta a una sedizione di frottole insorta fra gli Arruffoni e gli Accursieri a causa della ribellione degli Svizzeri che si erano radunati in numero di tre, sei, nove, dieci, per andare all'agucchianovo, il primo buco dell'anno, sì, quando si lascia la zuppa ai buoi e la chiave del carbone alle ragazze perché diano l'avena ai cani) un carlino e sei baiocchi se ne andavano chiotti chiotti verso lo Zenit.
«Naturalmente, tutta la notte, pinte alla mano, non si fece che spedire bolle su bolle, a piedi e a cavallo, per trattenere i battelli, perché quei ladroni dei sarti, con gli scampoli messi da parte, volevano fare nientemeno
una canna tirasassi
per riempire il mar di massi,
senza considerare che già per conto suo e conforme l'opinione dei fienaioli, era già bello e ingravidato di una pignattata di broccoli; benché i medici, esaminate le orine, andassero dicendo
non esser risultato
che al passo dell'ottarda
avesse mai mangiato
roncole con mostarda;
salvo che i Signori della Corte non ingiungessero al malfrancese di non andar più a racimolare dietro ai magnani con l'infuso di bemolle, tenuto conto che gli accattoni avevano già cominciato, con tanto di diapason,
a ballare il passamezzo,
un piede al fuoco,
la testa nel mezzo,
come diceva il buon Ragot85.
«Perché, voi lo sapete, o signori! È Dio che tutto modera e governa a piacer suo; e un carrettiere che volle aggiogare la matta fortuna, frusta e rifrusta, ci rimise lo sferzino. Questo avvenne al ritorno dalla Bicocca86, allorché Mastro Antito de' Crescioni fu addottorato in filocrestozotica, come dicono i canonisti: Beati zotici quia ipsi scapuzzaverunt.
«Ma cos'è – per San Fiacre! – che fa sì alta la quaresima?
È che la Pentecoste
mai non viene che non mi coste.
Ma tira avanti contento
che poca pioggia abbatte gran vento.
«Sempreché, naturalmente, il sergente non mi abbia messo il segno al bersaglio così in alto che il cancelliere non se ne circumlecchi le dita con tutte le penne del maschio dell'oca che ci ha messo su; e noi vediamo chiaramente che ognuno se la prende con il proprio naso, salvo che non guardasse in prospettiva, con i suoi stessi occhi, verso il caminetto, nel punto dove pende l'insegna del vino da quaranta bretelle, ch'è il minimo indispensabile per venti calzette di quinquennalità. O almeno che alcuno non pensi di sciogliere il falcone prima dei gnocchi – e invece lo scappuccia – perché spesso si perde la memoria, se uno si mette i calzoni alla rovescia. Ecco! E che Dio protegga da ogni male Tebaldo Mitaine!»
«Calma calma!» disse Pantagruele. «Calma, amico mio. Una cosa alla volta e senza scaldarvi tanto. Ho capito il caso: proseguite».
«Veramente» riprese Baciaculi, «è giusto quel che si dice che qualche volta è bene avvisare la gente, perché uomo avvisato è mezzo salvato. Ma la brava donna di cui sopra, voi lo capite, mentre è là che snocciola i suoi pateravegloria, non può mica coprirsi di un falso rovescione montante in forza dei privilegi dell'università. Se mai dovrebbe scaldarsi ben bene il letto all'inglese, coprendolo con un sette di quadri e tirandogli una stoccata volante il più possibile accosto al cantone dove si vendono gli stracci vecchi che adoprano i pittori di Fiandra quando, a buon diritto, si affannano a mettere i ferri alle cicale; e allora io mi stupisco assai che la gente non faccia le uova, visto che è così bello covare».
A questo punto il signor de' Fiutapeti voleva mettere bocca, ma Pantagruele lo redarguì:
«Per le trippe di Sant'Antonio!» gridò. «Chi ti ha detto di parlare? Io son qui che mi arrovello a capire la procedura della vostra contesa e tu, per giunta, mi vieni a frastornare il cervello. Fai silenzio. Silenzio dico, corpo del diavolo! Parlerai quanto ti pare, ma quando ti tocca. Avanti» disse poi al Baciaculi, «continuate con ordine e senza fretta».
«Avendo dunque considerato» riprese Baciaculi, «che la prammatica sanzione non ne faceva alcun cenno e che il Papa, di conseguenza, concedeva licenza a ciascuno di scoreggiare a suo talento, purché la fodera dei pantaloni non ne risultasse impressa e striata, quale che fosse la miseria del mondo, con divieto però di segnarsi con la mano sinistra del fottitoio, chiaro è che l'arcobaleno molato di fresco a Milano per fare uscire le allodole dal guscio, consentì alla brava donna di scalcagnare le sciatiche con la scusa della protesta dei piccoli pesci coglioni che, per allora, erano indispensabili per capire come si costruiscono i vecchi stivali.
«Pertanto, Giovanni La Vacca, riscosso il cugino Gervaso da un carico di fascine, lo sconsigliò di correre il rischio di riscaldare il ranno quando bolle, senza prima temprare la carta nell'allume, per poi finire come al solito a zitta gallina la volpe è vicina87, poiché:
Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit,
atteso che i signori della Camera dei Conti non si mettevano d'accordo sull'ammontare dei flauti alemanni usati per la costruzione degli Occhiali dei Principi88 ristampati ad Anversa.
«Ed ecco, o signori, il bel risultato di un rapporto monco: e io credo alla parte avversaria in sacer verbo dotis89, perché, volendo ottemperare al volere del re, io mi ero armato da capo a piedi di un panzerone a quadratini per andare a vedere in che modo i miei vendemmiatori avevano frastagliato i loro berretti per suonare meglio i corbelli, ed erano i tempi alquanto minacciosi della cacarella, per cui parecchi Guardianuvole90 erano stati esclusi dalla rassegna, sebbene i camini fossero abbastanza alti giusta le proporzioni delle pustole e malandre dell'amico Bautichon.
«Ragion per cui, in tutto il paese dell'Artois si ebbe l'annata grassa delle lumache, che non fu un ingrasso da poco per i signori portaceste, quando, senza nemmeno tirar fuori il coltello si mangiavano galligrù91 a panciasciolta. E dipendesse da me che tutti avessero una così bella voce! Ché allora si potrebbe giocare assai meglio a pallacorda, e tutte le piccole astuzie che si ricavano etimologizzando le ciabatte scenderebbero più agevolmente alla Senna, in servizio perpetuo al Ponte dei Mugnai, come a suo tempo fu decretato dal re dei Canariani il cui editto è ancora conservato nella cancelleria di qui.
«Per questo, signore, io faccio istanza a che, dalla signoria vostra, sia detto e dichiarato ciò che è di ragione sul caso in esame, con spese, danni e interessi».
Qui Baciaculi si tacque, e alla domanda di Pantagruele se avesse nulla da aggiungere rispose che no: che aveva già detto tutto il tu autem92 senza svariare di un ette, sul suo onore.
Pantagruele allora si volse al signor de' Fiutapeti:
«A voi, dunque. Dite, dite pure. In breve se possibile, ma senza tralasciare nulla di essenziale. Parlate».
CAPITOLO XII
Come il signor de' Fiutapeti perorò la sua causa davanti a Pantagruele
E allora il signor de' Fiutapeti esordì nel modo seguente:
«Mio signore, signori, se la nequizia degli uomini apparisse al nostro giudizio così chiara e palese come una mosca nel latte, il mondo – questi quattro cornuti – non sarebbe così rosicchiato dai topi come invece è, e molte nobilissime orecchie date vigliaccamente in pasto ai cani sarebbero ancora in ascolto sopra la terra. Infatti, sebbene tutto ciò che ha detto la parte avversa sia barba autentica di primo pelo riguardo alla sostanza del factum – tuttavia, signori, sotto un tal vaso fiorito di bellissime rose, si celano capziosità ed inganni, astuzie e gherminelle.
«Dovrò dunque sopportare che, mentre mangio la mia zuppa in santa pace e in pari con tutti, senza sparlare né pensar male di alcuno, mi si venga a sfruconare e intronare il cervello suonandomi la chiaranzana e dicendo:
Chi zuppa e vino insieme manda giù
dopo che è morto non ci vede più?
«Santa madonna!, dico io, chi non ha visto le mille volte fior di capitani sul campo di battaglia, quando fioccano sventole di pan bagnato nell'acqua santa della confraternita, pizzicare il liuto, far trombetta di culo e saltellare sulla predella per bilanciarsi meglio con i loro scarpini tutti ben fibulati e frastagliati a barba di gambero? Ma adesso, con la smania dei lucchi di lana inglese, tutto il mondo è sossopra: chi si dà alla dissolutezza, chi pensa soltanto a coprirsi il muso contro la tramontana; e se la corte non corre ai ripari, sarà un brutto spigolare quest'anno. Ma la sagra dei càntari andrà ancor peggio.
«Se un povero impestato va a chiudersi nei forni per farsi alluminare la faccia di merda di vacca o va a comprarsi un paio di scarpe nuove da inverno, e ai gendarmi di passaggio o a quelli della ronda, mentre fanno baracca, gli piove addosso un decotto da clistere o la materia fecale d'una seggetta, si dovrà per questo far la tonsura alle zucche o cuocere a spezzatino le ciotole di ontano?
«Non di rado succede – ben lo sappiamo – che l'uomo propone e Dio dispone, e quando il sole è tramontato tutte le bestie sono all'ombra. Né io pretendo di essere creduto se non per testimonianza inoppugnabile di persone di specchiata onestà.
«Nel '36 io avevo comperato un cortalto d'Alemagna – alto e corto, beninteso – nonché di buona lana e di color granato, con tanto di fideiussione dei battiloro; e tuttavia il notaio vi appose i suoi etcetera. Io non sono così buon sofista da addentare la luna, ma nel vaso del burro dove si tengono in conserva i ferri di Vulcano correva voce che il manzo salato avesse virtù di far trovare il vino a mezzanotte senza candela, fosse pure nascosto nel fondo di un sacco di carbone, calzato e bardato con frontale e batticulo, che è il minimo indispensabile per una buona fricassea di frattaglie, cioè a dire di testa di montone. Ed è proprio vero, come dice il proverbio, che è di buon augurio vedere le vacche nere nel bosco bruciato quando si prende a godere dei propri amori. Ho fatto chiedere ai signori teologi che cosa ne pensassero, e tutti, a conti fatti, conclusero in frisesomorum93 che non c'è niente di più bello che mietere d'estate in fondo a una cantina ben fornita di carta e inchiostro, di penne e coltellini di Lione sul Rodano; e patetì patatà. Perché non appena un'armatura comincia a sentir d'aglio, la ruggine le mangia fegato, e noi non facciamo che render la pariglia al torcicollo infiorando la siesta. E così il prezzo del sale va alle stelle.
«Signori, voi non dovete credere che al tempo nel quale la brava donna che ho detto invischiò il mestolone per elargir prebende alla memoria del sergente, o quando le budella del toro tergiversarono per le tasche degli usurai, non ci fosse niente di più efficace per guardarsi dai cannibali che por mano a una resta di cipolle intrecciata con trecento avemarie e aggiungervi un po' di frattaglie di vitello di latte della miglior lega che abbiano gli alchimisti; o impiastrare e incalcinare ben bene le pantofole a buffi e sbuffi con salsa di tridenti; o smoccicarsi in qualche tana di talpa, salvando sempre le trippe. No no. Ché anzi, al trar dei dadi, se non esce più di una coppia d'assi o una pariglia di tre, allora incantucciate la dama nel letto, vezzeggiatela un po', trallallera lallà, e bevete a tutta canna, depiscando ranoccis a pieni stivali, ovverossia cotúrnici calzari; e sarà una gran festa per le papere di nido che se la spassano a spegnere la candela con il naso in attesa di battere metalli e scaldare la cera ai bevitori.
«Ben vero che i quattro buoi dei quali è questione erano un tantinello corti di memoria; tuttavia, a cantarla chiara, essi non temevano il cormorano né tantomeno l'anitra savoiarda; e la buona gente del mio paese vi riponeva grandi speranze. Questi ragazzi, dicevano, diventeranno gran dottori in aritmetica, e così avremo sempre ragione noi; e se faremo le nostre fratte sopra i mulini a vento di cui parlava la parte avversa, non ci sarà barba di lupo che ci scappi. Ma il diavolo maggiore, morso dall'invidia, tanto fece che ci mise i tedeschi per didietro, che a bere, come al solito, facevano il diavolo a quattro: "Her dringue, dringue!". E poi, al bigliardo, doppietto in buca. Perché non c'è alcun senso nel dire
su piccolo ponte galline di paglia
fossero pure galline crestate più delle bubbole di palude; a meno che non ti salti in mente di sacrificare l'inchiostro dei rulli passati di fresco su corsivi e capoversi, che per me fa lo stesso, purché la legatura non faccia i vermi. E dato anche il caso che, all'accoppiamento dei cani da corsa, i cazzabubboli avessero suonato il corno prima che il notaio tirasse fuori la sua cabala espositiva, non ne consegue per niente (salvo diverso avviso della corte) che sei babulche grandi di terra prativa diano tre botti di inchiostro genuino senza soffiar nel cantero; tanto più che in pieno mercato, ai funerali di re Carlo, ti portavi a casa la pelliccia con sei doppie e anche meno: parola mia di lana settembrina!
«E io vedo che in ogni cornamusa che si rispetti, quando si va alla caccia con lo zufolo e si fanno tre giri di granata nel caminetto insinuando la propria investitura, non si fa che giocar di reni per arieggiare il culo, caso mai soffrisse di riscaldo; e – vada la biglia dove andò il birillo –
non appena le lettere vedute
tutte le vacche gli furon rendute.
«Del resto analoga sentenza tale e quale fu resa alla Martingala l'anno diciassette per il malgoverno di Louzefougerouse, e la corte si compiacerà di tenerla presente. Né intendo con questo sostenere che non si possa spossessare, a giusto titolo e con tutta equità, coloro che bevono l'acqua benedetta come fosse taglia da tessitore, invece di farne supposte per chi non gioca se non a pigliatutto.
«Tunc, signori miei, quid juris pro minoribus? Poiché la consuetudine corrente in base alla legge salica è tale che il primo buttafuoco che scrocca la vacca e si soffia il naso in pieno concerto senza nemmeno solfeggiare i punti del crespino, è tenuto, in tempo di baldoria, a sublimare la pochezza del suo arnese intirizzito con le muffe raccolte per non morir di freddo alla messa di mezzanotte, così da poter dare la strappata a quei vinelli bianchi dell'Angiò che fanno lo sgambetto spalla a spalla alla moda di Bretagna. E concludendo come sopra detto con spese, danni e interessi».
Terminata che fu la perorazione del signor de' Fiutapeti, Pantagruele si volse al signor de' Baciaculi e gli chiese se avesse nulla da replicare.
«No, signore» fu la risposta, «perché io nulla ho detto che non fosse la verità; e, per Dio, poniam fine a questa lite, perché è da molto che siamo qui sulle spese».
CAPITOLO XIII
Come Pantagruele sentenziò nella lite fra i due signori
Udito questo, Pantagruele si alza, riunisce attorno a sé tutti gli astanti: dottori, presidenti, consiglieri, e dice loro:
«Signori, qui voi avete sentito, vivae vocis oraculo, la controversia di cui si tratta. Che ve ne pare?»
«Sentita, per la verità, l'abbiamo sentita benissimo» risposero quelli, «ma, accidenti a noi se l'abbiamo capita». E tutti furono concordi nel protestare di non averci capito nulla a cominciare dalla causa del contendere. Per cui pregavano, supplicavano Pantagruele di voler pronunciare senz'altro la sentenza: quella che a lui pareva meglio; e loro l'avrebbero accettata e ratificata uno ore e toto corde, ex nunc prout ex tunc.
«Ebbene» disse Pantagruele, «giacché così vi piace, così farò. E aggiungo che il caso a me non sembra poi tanto difficile quanto lo fate voi: molto più facile, direi, del vostro paragrafo Catone e di quanto non siano la legge Frater, la legge Gallus, la legge Quinque pedum, la Vinum, la Si dominus, la Mater, la Mulier Bona, la Si quis, la Pomponius, la Fundi, la Emptor, la Pretor, la Venditor e molte altre»94.
Detto questo, si mise a passeggiare per la sala immerso in profondissime cogitazioni, com'era facile vedere, perché, nell'angustia di dover rendere giustizia a tutti e due senza discriminazioni o favori di sorta, gemeva come un asino bardato troppo stretto. Poi tornò a sedersi e pronunciò la sentenza come segue:
«Vista, intesa e ponderata la controversia fra il signor de' Baciaculi e il signor de' Fiutapeti, la corte dice loro che:
«Considerata l'orripilazione del vespertillo nel mentre che declina bravamente dal solstizio d'estate
per far la corte a bolle di sapone
cui diede scacco un semplice pedone,
approfittando delle nefandezze e vessazioni dei lucìfugi nitticòraci appigionati al clima delle vie di Roma alla vista di un crocefisso che tendeva una balestra alle reni; dichiara il querelante aver agito in conformità della legge ristoppando il galeone benché la brava donna lo stesse gonfiando con un piede calzato e l'altro no, e rimborsandolo basso e duro nella propria coscienza di tante lappole quanti peli vi sono in diciassette vacche nonché sul tombolo del ricamatore.
«Similmente la corte dichiara infondata ogni imputazione nella quale si poteva supporre ch'egli fosse incorso riguardo al privilegio della scoviglia, e ciò per non essere in condizioni di stabbiare a piacere, data l'opposizione di un par di guanti profumati all'estratto di scoregge di candele di noce quali si usano dalla gente di Mirebalays, suo paese natale; sciogliendo poi la riserva delle boline con le palle di bronzo dei palafrenieri che le pasticciavano in modo riprovevole tra zuppe di legumi imbardellate a logoro con tutti i sonaglietti dello sparviero: quelli, si specifica, cuciti a punto d'Ungheria, che il cognato portava per memoria in una cesta limitrofa ricamata in rosso a tre scaglioni mozzi di canovaccio, proprio dalla parte del canile donde si tira al pappagallo detto vermiforme, con lo spazzolino.
«Ma quanto a ciò ch'egli contesta al convenuto, d'essere stato ciabattino, caseofago e impegolamummie (che risultò non vero sul bilancino, come bene argomentava or ora il convenuto medesimo), la corte lo condanna a tre bicchieri di latte cagliato, stagionato, drogato e diatronpapricato conforme l'usanza del paese, pagabili a mezzo agosto nel mese di maggio, in favore del detto convenuto, al quale è fatto obbligo di fornire fieno e stoppa all'imboccatura dei trabocchetti gutturali rimbirilardellati di gilverdoni regolarmente trivellati a rotelle.
«E amici come prima, senza spese, e non senza ragione».
Pronunciata la sentenza, le due parti se ne andarono contente, che fu una cosa quasi incredibile, giacché non era mai accaduto dal tempo delle grandi piogge, né più accadrà per tredici giubilei95, che le due parti di una contesa se ne escano da un tribunale egualmente soddisfatte di un verdetto senza appello.
Quanto ai consiglieri e agli altri dottori che assistevano, per tre ore restarono tutti là, in estasi, inebetiti: tutti rapiti nell'ammirazione della prudenza più che umana di Pantagruele, rivelatasi con tanta evidenza nella soluzione di una causa così spinosa ed ardua; e sarebbero ancora là, tutti quanti in deliquio a bocca aperta, se non si fosse provveduto, a forza di aceto e acqua di rose, a render loro i sensi e l'uso abituale dell'intelletto; di che Dio sia lodato dappertutto.
CAPITOLO XIV
Nel quale Panurgo racconta come sfuggì alle mani dei Turchi
Ben presto la sentenza di Pantagruele fu sulla bocca di tutti. La stamparono e ristamparono in gran copia; fu omologata e registrata presso gli archivi del Palazzo di Giustizia; e la gente ricordava Salomone, come aveva sciolto per intuizione la lite delle due meretrici, restituendo il figlio conteso alla madre vera. «Ma cos'era mai» dicevano, «la Sapienza di Salomone, al confronto di quel capolavoro di prudenza ch'era stato il verdetto del buon Pantagruele? Siamo ben fortunati di averlo qui fra noi nel nostro paese!». E volevano farlo referendario e presidente della corte.
Ma Pantagruele non ne volle sapere: ringraziò con bel garbo e rifiutò.
«C'è troppa soggezione in quegli uffici» disse. «Fa troppa fatica esercitarli serbandosi onesti, data la corruzione degli uomini. E se gli scanni vuoti dei cori angelici dovranno riempirsi da così fatti officiali96, allora, con buona pace di monsignor Cusano97, non vi sarà giudizio finale prima di trentasette giubilei, ve ne avverto per tempo. Ma se avete qualche barile di vino buono per me, questo lo accetterò ben volentieri». E ben volentieri lo accontentarono.
Il vino era il migliore della città e lui ne bevve un bel po'. Ma il povero Panurgo ne bevve molto di più perché era secco come un'aringa salata e si tirava dietro i piedi come un gatto mencio. E a qualcuno che a metà spianto di una bigoncia lo ammoniva ad andarci piano, a non bere così arrabbiato, rispose:
«Tu, per me, puoi anche andare al diavolo. Mi hai forse preso per uno di quei bevitorelli di Parigi che bevono quanto un fringuello e non prendono il sorsettino se non gli stuzzichi la coda come ai passerotti? Sentimi bene, compagno, guarda: se io salissi così bene come tiro giù, sarei già a cavalcioni della luna a far due chiacchiere con mastro Empedocle98. Ma io non so come diavolo sia: questo vino è buonissimo, una vera delizia, eppure più ne bevo e più mi va su la sete. Io credo che l'ombra di Pantagruele ingeneri assetati come la luna ingenera catarri»99.
Risero gli astanti a queste parole e Pantagruele, incuriosito, ne chiese a Panurgo la ragione.
«Signore» disse lui, «stavo spiegando a questa brava gente quanto sono infelici quei maledetti diavoli di Turchi che bevono acqua e sempre acqua: mai una goccia di vino, pena l'inferno. Se anche non ci fosse niente altro di storto nel Corano di Maometto, a me mi basterebbe questo per girare al largo». E qui Panurgo, lusingato dalla curiosità di Pantagruele, raccontò finalmente come fosse scampato dalle mani dei Turchi.
«Dovete dunque sapere» cominciò, «che quei figli di puttana mi avevano messo allo spiedo come un cappone per arrostirmi vivo. Prima però mi avevano infasciato di lardo senza economia come si fa con i conigli magri, perché ero tanto secco che la mia carne altrimenti sarebbe stata immangiabile.
«Eppure, mentre il rosticciere già cominciava a girare lo spiedo, io speravo; pensavo al buon San Lorenzo, e invocavo da Dio la Salvezza. "Aiutami Signore" gridavo, "allontana da me questo supplizio. Guarda come son ridotto per aver confessato la tua fede davanti a questi cani traditori. Aiutami, salvami, Signore Iddio!"». E la salvezza arrivò nel modo più impensato, perché per volontà di Dio o, chissà, di quel bravo Mercurio, tanto bravo che sprofondò Argo nel sonno nonostante i cento occhi che aveva, il rosticciere si addormentò.
«Lo spiedo improvvisamente si ferma. Mi volgo e vedo che l'aguzzino dorme. Allora, coi denti, afferro un tizzone dalla parte che ancora non ardeva e glielo butto in grembo; un altro, bene o male, riesco a infilarlo sotto il letto da campo ch'era lì vicino con sopra il pagliericcio di monsignore il rosticciere mio.
«Subito il fuoco divampa, e dalla paglia passa al letto e dal letto al solaio ch'era fatto di tavole d'abete al cul di lampa. Poi viene il meglio: il fuoco che avevo buttato addosso a qual maiale di un rosticciere gli aveva bruciato tutti i peli del pettignone e stava per attaccarglisi ai coglioni. Ma quello puzzava tanto di suo, soprattutto dal naso, che se ne accorse soltanto quando fu risvegliato dal bagliore dell'incendio. Allora si precipitò alla finestra come un caprone impazzito gridando "Dal baroth, dal baroth!" che vuol dire "Al fuoco al fuoco!". Poi corse a me per gettarmi addirittura tra le fiamme e si affannava a tagliare i lacci che mi legavano allo schidione mani e piedi.
«Ma il padron di casa che aveva sentito quelle grida e l'odore del fumo giù dalla strada dove gironzolava con altri bascià e musaffì, accorse anche lui a precipizio per dare aiuto e mettere in salvo le masserizie. Per prima cosa, però, sfilò il mio spiedo e ne impalò d'un sol tratto il rosticciere, che ne morì per mancanza di tenuta o che so io. Perché lo spiedo, infilato da sotto l'ombelico, gli trapassò il terzo lobo del fegato e su su il diaframma, e attraverso la capsula del cuore gli sbucò fuori da sopra le spalle, tra gli spondili e l'omoplata sinistra100.
«Devo dire che, perduto il sostegno dello spiedo, io caddi a terra fra gli alari e mi feci male: non troppo però, perché le bande di lardone che avevo addosso smorzarono il colpo.
«Intanto il mio bascià, visto che non c'era rimedio, che la sua casa andava in cenere senza remissione e tutti i suoi beni erano perduti, si votava a tutti i diavoli. Per ben nove volte invocò a gran voce Graticolath, Rapallùs, Astaroth e Sgorbiath, e a sentirlo ebbi più di cinque soldi di paura. Perché pensavo: Adesso, se quelli vengono a pigliar su questo matto, sta a vedere che portano via anche me. Sono già mezzo arrostito e questi lardoni saranno la mia rovina. Perché, come assicura il filosofo Giamblico, e anche mastro Murmault nell'Apologia De bossutis et contrefactis pro magistros nostros101, certi diavoli vanno matti per il lardo, e io lo sapevo. Ma poi mi feci il segno della croce, gridando "Agyos athanatos, ho Theos!" e non venne nessuno.
«Allora quel bascià della malora, visto che i diavoli non gli davano retta, voleva uccidersi con il mio schidione. Voleva infilarselo nel cuore e infatti se lo puntò contro il petto, ma non entrava perché era spuntato. Allora gli parlai in un orecchio. "Messer finocchio" gli dissi, "tu così perdi il tuo tempo: non riuscirai mai ad ammazzarti come si deve. Ti farai soltanto un bello sbrego e passerai tutta la vita a patire fra le mani dei barbieri; ma, se lo vuoi, ti ammazzo io pulito pulito, in modo che nemmeno te ne accorgi. Mi devi credere, perché ne ho già ammazzati degli altri che se ne sono trovati bene».
«"Oh, amico mio" gemette lui, "te ne prego, e se lo farai, guarda, questa è la mia borsa. Tienila, è tua. Ci sono dentro seicento serafini d'oro, qualche diamante e dei rubini purissimi!"».
«E dove sono, adesso?» chiese Epistemone.
«Se han continuato ad andare» disse Panurgo, «giuro per San Giovanni che sono molto lontani.
Mais où sont les neiges d'antan?102
«Villon, il poeta di Parigi, se l'è chiesto per tutta la vita senza venirne a capo».
«Continua, continua» disse Pantagruele. «Non interrompetelo che son curioso di sapere come finì di governare il suo bascià».
«Presto detto» riprese Panurgo. «E parola di galantuomo che non ci aggiungo una virgola. Lo bendai con un paio di vecchie mutande che trovai lì mezzo bruciate. Lo legai ben stretto mani e piedi con le mie corde, in modo che non potesse fare storie. Lo schidionai traverso il gargarozzo e lo appesi fermando lo spiedo a certi arpioni portaalabarde. Gli ravvivai sotto un bel fuoco e lasciai lì il mio milord a smaltire la sugna come un'aringa salata sotto il camino. Poi raccolsi la borsa dei serafini, un piccolo giavellotto che era appeso ad un arpione, e me ne andai di buon galoppo. E lo sa Dio se mi dava allo stomaco quella puzza di montone.
«Quando fui sulla strada, trovai una folla di gente che accorreva al fuoco portando acqua per spegnere l'incendio. A vedermi così mezzo arrostito, s'impietosirono, naturalmente, e mi rovesciarono addosso tutta l'acqua che avevano, che fu un bel rinfresco e un grandissimo sollievo. Poi mi offrirono qualcosa da mangiare, ma io non presi niente perché da bere c'era acqua soltanto, com'è la loro usanza. Ma insomma non mi fecero altro male, salvo un brutto, piccolo Turco con la gobba davanti che si sgranocchiava furtivamente i miei pendagli di lardo abbrustolito. Ma io, con quel mio giavellotto, gli diedi una tal botta sulle dita che gli passò la voglia di riprovarci. E ricordo una giovane Corinzia che rimase impressionata alla vista del mio povero baccello tutto appassito e come ritirato al fuoco, tanto che mi arrivava appena alle ginocchia. Ma notate che questa rosolatura mi guarì del tutto da una sciatica che mi faceva penare da più di sette anni proprio dalla parte dove mi ero strinato a causa del colpo di sonno del mio rosticciere.
«Ebbene, mentre la gente perdeva tempo a guardarmi e a far congetture, il fuoco trionfava, non chiedetemi come, e ormai ci saranno state più di duemila case che bruciavano; tanto che qualcuno se ne accorse e gridò: "Sangue di Maometto! La città è tutta in fiamme e noi stiamo qui a divertirci!". Così ciascuno se ne andò per la sua ciascuinità, e io prendo la strada verso la porta.
«Arrivato in cima a una collinetta là nei pressi, mi volsi indietro come la moglie di Lot e vidi la città tutta un rogo come Sodoma e Gomorra; per cui mi sentii così bene che a momenti me la facevo sotto dalla gioia. Ma Dio mi punì».
«E come?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Così» disse Panurgo, «che mentre me ne sto lì a godermi come una festa il bellissimo falò, pigliandomene gioco e dicendo "Povere pulci, poveri sorci, avrete un cattivo inverno! Il vostro pagliericcio ha preso fuoco", sbucano da non so dove più di sei, anzi più di tredici volte cento cani, grossi e piccini, che uscivano insieme dalla città fuggendo il fuoco. Non feci a tempo a vederli, si può dire, che già mi erano addosso a causa dell'odore della mia porca carne abbrustolita. E mi avrebbero divorato in un batter d'occhio, vi dico io, se il mio angelo custode non mi avesse ispirato un rimedio eccellente contro il mal di denti».
«Ma perché mai» lo interruppe Pantagruele, «avevi paura del mal di denti? Non eri già guarito dai tuoi reumi?»
«Pasqua di Dio!» rispose Panurgo. «C'è forse un mal di denti peggiore di quello di mille cani che ti azzannano il culo? Ma subito mi rammentai delle mie fasce di lardo e le gettai. I cani, naturalmente, presero ad azzuffarsi fra di loro disputandosi il festino. E poiché loro si disinteressavano di me mi guardai bene dal distrarli e mi misi la strada fra le gambe. Insomma, la scampai, contento e tutto intero. E viva sempre l'arrosto e chi lo fa».
CAPITOLO XV
Dove Panurgo illustra un modo nuovissimo di costruire le mura di Parigi
Un giorno Pantagruele, per svagarsi un po' dallo studio, se ne andò con Panurgo fuori città, verso il sobborgo Saint-Marcel con l'idea di arrivare alla Folie Gobelin103. Panurgo aveva con sé, sotto il mantello, la fiasca del vino e un pezzo di prosciutto, senza le quali cose mai non sortiva di casa, perché quelle, diceva, erano la sua guardia del corpo; né voleva saperne di portare la spada; e una volta che Pantagruele gliene voleva affibbiare una, la rifiutò dicendo che gli avrebbe infiammato la milza.
«D'accordo» disse Pantagruele, «ma se ti assalgono, come ti difendi?»
«A gran colpi di tacco sul terreno» rispose, «purché siano vietati i colpi di stocco. Io non mi batto: me la batto».
Al ritorno, Panurgo osservava con commiserazione le mura di Parigi.
«Guardate che belle mura!» disse. «Come son fatte proprio a modino per custodire gli anitroccoli in muta. Dico, per la mia barba!, roba assolutamente da far pietà per una città come questa. Una vacca, con un mezzo peto, ne butterebbe giù più di sei braccia».
«Lo sai, amico» disse Pantagruele, «cosa rispose Agesilao quando gli chiesero come mai la grande Sparta non era cinta di mura? "Ecco le nostre mura" disse – mostrando gli uomini della città così forti e così bene armati; con ciò volendo significare che le vere mura son le mura d'ossa, e che non v'è cittadella o città meglio difesa di quella che si affida al valore dei cittadini e di tutti gli abitanti. Per cui questa nostra città è così forte per la moltitudine di gente guerriera che c'è dentro che non si cura di erigere altre mura. D'altronde, chi volesse fortificarla come Strasburgo, Orléans o Ferrara, non sarebbe possibile, tanto sarebbero eccessivi il costo e la spesa».
«Sì» disse Panurgo. «Ma per me è sempre meglio avere un qualche paranaso di pietra quando si è assaliti; se non altro per chiedere chi è. Quanto poi alle spese così grandi che voi dite che ci vogliono per tirar su le mura, be', se i signori magistrati della città si degnassero di allungarmi qualche bottiglia di quello buono, glielo spiego io come devono fare per costruirle con quattro soldi. È un sistema nuovo».
«E quale?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Però non dovete mica dirlo a nessuno se ve lo insegno», disse Panurgo.
«Non avete notato che le passerine delle donne di questo paese costano meno delle pietre? È con quelle che si dovrebbero costruire le mura, disponendole in bella simmetria a regola d'architettura: in basso, al contrafforte, le più grosse, poi, salendo e incurvando a schiena d'asino, le mediane, e in alto le più piccole. E poi, tra l'una e l'altra, a incastro come lardelli, tanti bei cazziritti, che si trovano a iosa nelle braghette dei reverendi claustrali, da rifinire a punta di diamante a imitazione della grande torre di Bourges. Non c'è metallo al mondo che regga la botta meglio di quelli. Che se poi venissero a fargli il solletico con le cogliumbrine, li vedreste subito pisciar giù di quel succo benedetto del malfrancese a pronta presa da restarci secchi, fitto come pioggia. E notate che anche il fulmine si guarderebbe bene dal caderci su. Lo sapete perché? Ma perché son tutti benedetti e consacrati!
«Intendiamoci, c'è un inconveniente: uno solo ma c'è».
«Oh oh, ah ah!» disse Pantagruele. «E quale?»
«È che le mosche ne son tante ghiotte che ci si butterebbero sopra e con le loro porcherie guasterebbero tutto il capodopera. Ma c'è anche il rimedio: grandi code di volpe e bischeracci d'asino di quelli di Provenza grandi e grossi. Non c'è moscarola più adatta. Non la sapete la bella parabola che si legge nel De compotationibus mendicantium di Frate Lubino? Intanto che andiamo a cena ve la racconto.
«Al tempo che le bestie parlavano (facciamo tre giorni fa) un povero leone che passeggiava per la foresta recitando le sue divozioni, si trovò a passare sotto un albero dove un carbonaio era salito a far legna. Questa carogna d'un carbonaio, come vede il leone, gli scaglia addosso la scure e gli fa una gran ferita a una coscia. Per cui il leone, zoppicando zoppicando, tanto vagò e frugò per la foresta in cerca di aiuto, che incontrò un carpentiere brav'uomo, il quale, esaminata la piaga con cura, la pulì del suo meglio, la riempì di muschio e gli raccomandò – intanto che lui si allontanava in cerca dell'erba millefoglie – di tener lontane le mosche che non andassero a fargli le porcherie sulla ferita.
«Così ristabilito, il leone riprese a passeggiare per la foresta. Ma c'era lì nei pressi, venuta anche lei nel bosco a far legna, una vecchia gualercia, di quelle che non muoiono mai, che alla vista del leone cadde all'indietro per la paura lunga e distesa in modo che il vento le rovesciò le vesti, sottana e camicia, fin sopra le spalle. Il leone, impietosito, corse a lei per vedere se s'era fatta del male, e osservando la sua come si chiama, esclamò: "Oh povera donna, chi è che ti ha fatto questa brutta ferita?". E mentre così diceva vide una volpe.
«"Pst pst, volpe, comare volpe" chiamò, "qua, vieni qua, presto, vieni a vedere".
«E come la volpe fu lì anche lei: "Guarda" le disse, "come hanno ferito sconciamente questa brava donna fra le gambe; qui c'è soluzione di continuità manifesta104. Cribbio se è grande la piaga! Dal culo all'ombelico, saranno quattro o cinque spanne e anche più: un colpo di scure, non c'è dubbio, e dev'essere una piaga vecchia. Qui bisogna evitare che vi si attacchino le mosche. Perciò, amica mia, smoscala e tienila netta di dentro e di fuori. Tu hai una coda lunga e forte: smosca, amica mia, smosca, mi raccomando. Intanto io vado a cercare il muschio da metterci dentro, perché è nostro dovere aiutarci l'un l'altro. Smosca forte, smosca bene, perché una piaga come questa ha da essere smoscata di continuo. Altrimenti la persona ne soffre. Dacci sotto, piccola comare: dacci sotto forte e pulito. Dio ti ha servito bene quanto a coda: te l'ha fatta ben grande e grossa in proporzione. Perciò dacci dentro, smosca e non ti stancare. Un buon dismoscatore che smoschettando di continuo smosca le mosche con la sua moscarola, non sarà mai moscato dalle mosche. Dunque coraggio, fregnoncella. Smosca babbioncina mia, che io vado e torno".
«Se ne va dunque il leone a cercare il suo muschio; ma non senza voltarsi a pochi passi di là per esortare ancora la volpe a far le cose a dovere: "Smosca sempre, comare, mi raccomando: smosca e non ti scoraggiare, che poi ti nominiamo smoschettiera della regina Maria o di Don Pedro di Castiglia"».
«E bisogna dire che la povera volpe ce la metteva tutta, smoscando di gran lena, di qua e di là, di su e di giù, di dentro e di fuori. Ma la vecchia porcona cacciava peti e scoregge così fetide ch'eran peggio del fetore di cento diavoli insieme; per cui la volpe non sapeva più da che parte voltarsi per scansare la puzza. E gira e rigira, s'accorse che c'era sul didietro un altro pertugio, non tanto grande come quello davanti, dal quale però veniva fuori – proprio da lì – quel vento pestilenziale.
«Finalmente torna il leone, carico di muschio che pareva un pagliaio, e cominciò a ficcar dentro roba con un bastone che aveva raccolto per via. Ma metti e metti, ne avrà cacciato dentro almeno sedici balle e mezzo senza venirne a capo. E non finiva mai di stupirsi. "Diavolo" diceva, "è ben profonda questa piaga: ce ne starebbero dentro due carrettate e anche più".
«Ma la volpe lo ammonì: "Compare leone, amico mio, risparmia un po' di quel muschio, perché qui sotto c'è un altro piccolo pertugio che puzza più di cinquecento satanassi. Son qui più morta che viva, tanto puzza".
«Insomma» concluse Panurgo, «sarebbe facilissimo difendere dalle mosche le nostre mura; basta metterci un servizio di smoscatori a giornata».
«Ma tu» gli chiese Pantagruele, «come fai a sapere che a Parigi le passerine delle donne sono così a buon mercato? Io so che in questa città c'è una gran quantità di donne di tutta ierecondia, caste e illibate».
«Et ubi prenus?105» disse Panurgo. «Non è mica una mia opinione. Io parlo di fatti certi e garantiti. Non faccio per vantarmi, ma io da solo ne ho già farcite quattrocentodiciassette, e notate che son qui da appena nove giorni. Ma non basta: proprio questa mattina ho incontrato un brav'uomo che, dentro una bisaccia come quella di Esopetto106, portava due bambinelle di due o tre anni al massimo, una davanti e l'altra dietro. Mi ha chiesto l'elemosina, ma io gli ho risposto che avevo più coglioni che bisanti. Poi gli ho fatto una domanda: "Ditemi, buon uomo, sono vergini queste due bambinelle?" – "Fratello", mi ha riposto, "io le porto così da due anni. Quella davanti l'ho sempre sotto gli occhi e credo di poterla garantire, benché non ci metterei la mano sul fuoco. Quanto a quella di dietro non ne so niente"».
«Sei proprio un simpatico compagno» disse Pantagruele. «Ti voglio vestito con la mia livrea».
E lo fece vestire con eleganza secondo la moda del tempo; salvo che lui la braghetta la volle lunga tre piedi e quadrata invece che tonda. Così fu fatto e gli stava assai bene. E spesso diceva che la gente non aveva ancora capito il vantaggio e la comodità delle braghette grandi ed ariose, ma che col tempo l'avrebbero capito, essendo che ogni cosa è inventata quando i tempi sono maturi.
«Dio salvi dal male» diceva, «il caposcarico ch'ebbe salva la vita dalla braghetta lunga! Dio guardi dal male colui cui la braghetta lunga fruttò in un giorno centosessantanovemila scudi! Dio guardi dal male colui che con le sue braghette lunghe salvò dalla morte per fame un'intiera città! E, perdio, appena mi avanza tempo, dovrò scrivere un bel libro sui Benefici delle braghette lunghe».
Di fatti, egli compose sull'argomento un grosso e bellissimo libro con le figure. Ma ancora, ch'io sappia, non è stato stampato.
CAPITOLO XVI
Sui costumi e le attitudini di Panurgo
Panurgo era di media statura, non troppo grande né troppo piccolo: naso un po' aquilino a manico di rasoio, l'età sui trentacinque, di bella e garbata figura, ma un po' libertino e soggetto per natura a un male che a quel tempo si chiamava
Mancanza di denari, dolore senza pari.
Però conosceva sessantatre modi di procurarselo ogni volta che gli bisognasse, il più comune e più onorevole dei quali era il latrocinio. Era facinoroso, impostore, bevone, vagabondo, arraffone se altri mai a Parigi, e insomma una lega buona da indorare come una daga di piombo. Per il resto, il miglior figliuolo del mondo; e sempre macchinava qualcosa contro i sergenti e contro la ronda.
Certe sere riuniva tre o quattro zoticoni, li faceva bere come templari e li conduceva sotto Santa Genoveffa o nei pressi del collegio di Navarra fino al sommo dell'erta; e nel momento in cui veniva su la ronda (cosa che avvertiva posando la spada sul selciato e l'orecchio sulla spada così da sentirne le vibrazioni, segno certo che la ronda era vicina) in quel momento dunque, lui e i suoi compari prendevano una carretta piena di immondizie o di sabbia o di sassi e le davano la spinta precipitandola a forza giù per la china; così stendevano a terra come porcelli quei poveracci e poi fuggivano dalla parte opposta; giacché, in meno di due giorni, lui già conosceva tutte le strade, stradette, vicoli e crocevia di Parigi meglio delle sue tasche.
Altre volte, in qualche bella piazza sulla strada della ronda, seminava un cordone di polvere da sparo e quando quelli arrivavano vi dava fuoco, poi si divertiva a vedere con quale buona grazia i gendarmi scappavano credendo di avere alle calcagna il fuoco di Sant'Antonio.
Quanto poi ai magistri in artibus, ovverossia teologi, questi li perseguitava più degli altri e mai non ne incontrava uno che non gli giocasse qualche tiro, ora mettendogli uno stronzo nel cappuccio, ora attaccandogli alla schiena orecchie di lepre o code di volpe, o qualche altro accidente.
Un giorno che tutti costoro dovevano riunirsi alla Sorbona per esaminare gli articoli di fede, lui impastò una specie di tartara borbonese con molto aglio, assa foetida, galbanum, castoreum107 e stronzi belli caldi; la stemperò in liquame di bubboni cancerosi e, di prima mattina, ne unse teologalmente tutta la graticciata della Sorbona108, sì che neppure il diavolo avrebbe potuto resistervi. E tutta quella brava gente si mise a vomitare come se dovesse cacciar fuori le budella. Dieci o dodici ne morirono di peste, quattordici si presero la lebbra, diciotto la rogna, e più di ventisette il malfrancese. Ma lui non se ne dava pensiero per niente; e portava di solito un frustino sotto il gabbano, col quale fustigava senza remissione, ogni volta che li incontrasse, i paggi che recavano vino ai loro padroni, per farli andare più svelti.
Nel suo gabbano aveva più di ventisei piccole sacche, guaine e ripostigli sempre pieni:
in uno, un piccolo dado di piombo e un temperino tagliaborse affilatissimo come l'ago di un pellicciaio;
in un altro, una fiala di agresto che schizzava negli occhi di quelli che incontrava;
in un altro, tanti capolini di lappola cui attaccava piccole piume d'oca o di cappone e che gettava addosso ai galantuomini, sul vestito o sul berretto, cui restavano attaccati, non di rado a guisa di corna, che i malcapitati si portavano in giro per tutta la città e talvolta per tutta la vita.
Anche alle donne certe volte ne attaccava sul didietro, combinati a forma di bischero.
In un'altra saccoccia teneva una quantità di involtini di pulci e pidocchi che raccattava dai pezzenti di Sant'Innocenzo e che, con apposite cannucce o calami di penna d'oca, gettava sui colletti delle dame più infiocchettate che incontrava: persino in chiesa, perché lui non si metteva mai nel coro, ma giù nella navata tra le donne, tanto alla Messa che a Vespero o al Sermone.
Poi c'era la tasca degli ami e degli uncini con i quali agganciava insieme uomini e donne riuniti in crocchio e soprattutto le donne vestite di ermisino o taffettà leggero, che si strappava meglio quando quelle facevano per andarsene;
in un'altra aveva l'acciarino, con tutto un armamentario di esche, zolfanelli, pietre focaie eccetera;
in un'altra, due o tre specchietti ustorî, coi quali non di rado si divertiva a tormentare uomini e donne fintanto che non perdessero il contegno e non dessero in escandescenze, magari in chiesa, poiché diceva che fra donna folle alla messa e donna molle alla fessa c'era di mezzo soltanto un'antistrofe;
in un'altra ancora portava una ricca provvigione d'aghi e di filo con cui combinava mille piccole diavolerie.
Una volta, mentre usciva dal Palazzo di Giustizia, notò nella Gran Sala il cordigliere che si apprestava a celebrare la Messa dei Signori Consiglieri, e si offrì di assisterlo nella vestizione. Ma, mentre lo vestiva, gli cucì il camice alla sottana e alla camicia. Poi, quando i signori Consiglieri vennero a sedersi per ascoltare la messa, se ne andò. E al momento dell'Ite, Missa est, quando il povero frate voleva togliersi i paramenti, insieme al camice tirò su sottana e camicia che vi erano ben cucite e si scoprì fino alle spalle mostrando a tutti il suo ruspone che era certamente d'ordine maggiore.
Il frate continuava a tirare, ma più tirava e più metteva in mostra, finché uno di quei signori della corte disse: «Ehi, fratacchione, vuoi forse fare l'offertorio e darci da baciare il tuo culo? Ma che te lo baci il fuoco di Sant'Antonio!». E da quella volta fu stabilito che i bravi reverendi padri non si svestissero più davanti a tutti, bensì nella loro sacrestia e mai in presenza di donne, per non indurle in peccato di concupiscenza.
Ma la gente voleva sapere perché mai questi frati avessero i genitali così lunghi, e Panurgo rispose al quesito con chiarezza esemplare, dicendo:
«Le orecchie degli asini sono così lunghe perché le loro madri non gli mettono la cuffia in testa: come dice De Alliaco109 nelle sue Supposizioni. A egual ragione, la coglia di questi poveri piissimi padri è così lunga perché le loro brache non hanno il fondo, per cui il loro povero membro si allunga liberamente a briglia sciolta e gli va a sbatacchiare fra le ginocchia tal quale alle donne i rosari che portano alla cintura. Che poi, oltre che lungo, l'abbiano anche grosso in proporzione, ciò dipende dal fatto che in quel continuo sbatacchiamento, gli umori del corpo calano giù dentro il membro di cui sopra, stante che, secondo i legisti, agitazione e commozione continua sono cause di attrazione».
Item, un'altra saccoccia aveva Panurgo, piena di allume di piuma110, di cui aspergeva la schiena delle donne che gli si mostravano più scontrose; e si vedevan talune spogliarsi davanti a tutta la gente, altre saltare come galletti sui carboni ardenti o come palle sui tamburelli; altre correre all'impazzata per le strade e lui dietro; e a quelle che gettavano le vesti lui metteva indosso il suo mantello, come persona premurosa e gentile.
Item, in un'altra tasca aveva un'ampolla d'olio rancido, e quando s'imbatteva in qualche donna o uomo particolarmente ben vestiti, ne ungeva e imbrattava le parti più belle dell'abito, facendo sembiante di accarezzarle per ammirazione: «Ma guarda che bel panno» diceva, «questo sì che è un bel satin, e che bel taffettà, signora. Dio vi conceda tutto ciò che il vostro nobile cuore desidera! Vestito bello, amante novello: Dio vi conservi a lui e lui a voi!». Così dicendo, posava la mano sul collarino, sì che la macchia vi restava così fortemente impressa – in corpo, anima e reputazione – che neppure il diavolo l'avrebbe più cancellata. E alla fine accompagnava la dama per qualche passo con tutta sollecitudine: «Attenzione» diceva, «fate attenzione signora a non cadere, che qui c'è una gran buca».
Un'ennesima tasca era piena di polvere impalpabile di euforbia e dentro vi teneva un moccichino ricamato che aveva rubato alla bella lingerista del Tribunale, togliendole un pidocchio dal seno nell'atto stesso in cui ve lo metteva. E raro accadeva che, trovandosi in compagnia di qualche gentildonna non fosse tentato di allungare le mani. «Ma questo ricamo» chiedeva, frugandole addosso, «è di Fiandra o di Hainault?». Poi tirava fuori il moccichino, dicendo: «Guardate, guardate qui, questo dev'essere pizzo di Fottignano o di Fottarabia», e glielo sventolava ben bene sotto il naso facendola starnutare per quattro ore di seguito. E intanto spetezzava come un ronzino. E se le donne, ridendo, gli dicevano «Ma come! Voi spetezzate, Panurgo?», «Niente affatto» rispondeva lui, «non faccio che intonare il contrappunto alla musica del vostro naso».
Né mancava la tasca per le pinze, il grimaldello e altri ferri del genere, con i quali non c'era serratura di porta o di scrigno che potesse resistergli. E infine la tasca di bussolotti con cui faceva giochi strabilianti, poiché aveva dita sagaci, degne di Minerva e di Aracne, e a suo tempo aveva fatto anche il ciarlatano spacciando polveri di Pimperimpara; e quando cambiava uno scudo o qualche altra moneta, fosse pure quell'altro un Mastro Mosca, re di lestofanti, non c'era caso che non facesse sparire cinque o sei denari sotto gli occhi di tutti, in modo aperto e manifesto, senza violenza o lesione alcuna; e già era tanto se il defraudato ne sentiva il vento.
CAPITOLO XVII
In che modo Panurgo lucrava le indulgenze e maritava le vecchie, e come profondeva le sue sostanze nelle più strane liti
Un giorno trovai Panurgo un po' avvilito, taciturno. Subito pensai che fosse a corto di denaro, e gli dissi:
«Panurgo, a giudicare dalla vostra faccia, si direbbe che siete ammalato, e credo anche di conoscere il vostro male: flusso di borsa; ma non datevi pena; ho qui cinque o sei scudi e un po' di spiccioli che non conobbero mai padre né madre e che, all'occorrenza, vi saranno fedeli come il morbo di Fracastoro».
«Merda al denaro!» rispose. «Un giorno o l'altro ne avrò anche di troppo. Ho una pietra filosofale che attira i soldi come la calamita il ferro. Perché non venite con me a fare il giro dei perdoni?»
«Veramente» dissi, «io non sono gran che perdonevole in questo mondo e non so se lo sarò nell'altro. Ma andiamo pure, in nome di Dio, che fino a un denaro ci sto: non un soldo di più».
«Ma allora prestatemi un denaro a interesse».
«Questo no: piuttosto ve lo regalo; e senza rimpianti».
«Grates vobis dominos»111 rispose.
E così ce ne andammo cominciando dalla chiesa di San Gervasio, dove lucrai le indulgenze soltanto al primo ceppo, perché in queste cose io mi contento di poco. Poi recitai i miei piccoli suffragi e le orazioni di Santa Brigida. Ma lui le prese a tutti i ceppi, e ogni volta porgeva denaro ai collettori.
Di là passammo a Notre-Dame, a San Giovanni, a Sant'Antonio e a tutte le chiese dov'erano i ceppi dei perdoni. Per parte mia non intendevo acquistarne uno di più, ma lui si fermava a tutti i ceppi, baciava le reliquie e dava soldi. In breve, compiuto il giro, mi portò a bere all'osteria del Castello e mi mostrò dieci o dodici taschini zeppi di moneta.
«Buon Dio!» esclamai, facendomi un gran segno di croce. «Ma dove li avete presi tanti quattrini in così poco tempo?». Lui mi spiegò, tranquillo, che li aveva presi su dai bossoli delle indulgenze. «Perché» diceva, «nel porgere il primo denaro, l'ho fatto con tale eleganza da far credere di aver dato almeno un doblone. Poi, con una mano, ho preso una doppia di resto e con l'altra tre o quattro tornesi; e così in tutte le chiese dove siamo stati».
«Ho capito» dissi, «ma voi vi dannerete come un serpente: siete ladro e sacrilego».
«Certamente, a pensarla come voi» replicò. «Ma io la penso diversamente; perché i cosi, i perdonieri, quando vi danno a baciare le reliquie e vi dicono Centuplum accipies, è come se dicessero "va' contento: dammi uno e piglia cento"; perché vedete, quell'accipies è detto alla maniera degli ebrei, che usano il futuro per l'imperativo, come ben si riscontra nella legge: Dominus deum tuum adorabis et illi soli servies: Diliges proximum tuum; e così via. Perciò, quando il perdonigero mi dice Centuplum accipies, vuoi dire Centuplum accipe; e io accipio: piglio su. Che è poi l'interpretazione che si trova nelle chiose del rabbino Kimy e del rabbino Ezra e di tutti i Massoreti; et dixit Bartolus se non bastasse112. Inoltre, vi dirò che papa Sisto, siccome lo avevo guarito da un bubbone canceroso che lo tormentava orribilmente e minacciava di azzopparlo per tutta la vita, mi assegnò a suo tempo cinquecento lire di rendita sul suo patrimonio e tesoro ecclesiastico. Per cui io mi pago di mia mano su questo tesoro ecclesiastico, perché è il modo più sicuro.
«Eh, amico mio» diceva poi, «se tu sapessi che mare di delizia è stata per me quella crociata, non finiresti mai di meravigliarti. Mi fruttò qualcosa come seimila fiorini e passa».
«E dove diavolo sono andati» dissi io, «che adesso non hai più il becco di un quattrino?»
«Donde erano venuti» rispose. «Han cambiato di padrone, ecco tutto. Però ne ho spesi più di tremila a maritare le vecchie. Non le giovani, che di mariti ne trovano anche troppi: le vecchie, le vecchie sempiterne senza più un dente in gola, poverette. Queste brave donne – mi dicevo – hanno impiegato assai bene il loro tempo in gioventù giocando a sottocoda e a sbatticulo con chiunque capitasse, finché non c'è stato più un cane che volesse saperne; e, perdio, voglio farle sbrigliare ancora una volta prima che tirino le cuoia. E allora, cento fiorini di dote a una, centoventi a un'altra, e anche centocinquanta, a seconda che erano brutte, orribili o abbominevoli; perché naturalmente quanto più erano orrende ed esecrabili tanto più bisognava largheggiare; altrimenti neppure il diavolo se le sarebbe messe sotto. Poi ti istruivo un qualche portaceste grande e grosso e combinavo io stesso il matrimonio. Ma prima di mostrargli la vecchia gli mostravo i fiorini. Guarda – gli dicevo – cosa ti tocca, compare, se ti va di scovolarci dentro bene a fondo. A queste parole, quei poveri diavoli s'imbufalivano come vecchi muli. Io poi li invitavo a banchetto e li facevo bere ben bene; mentre le vecchie le impinzavo di droghe in modo da tirarle su e farle andare in fregola. E devo dire che tutti quei marcantoni fecero fronte alla bisogna da bravi ragazzi; salvo che a quelle orribilmente brutte e disfatte gli facevo coprire la faccia con un sacco.
«Molti quattrini poi mi sono andati in processi».
«E quali processi» gli chiesi, «se non possiedi né terre né case?»
«Devi sapere» disse, «amico mio, che le damigelle di quella città, per istigazione dei diavoli d'inferno, avevano inventato certi colletti o pettorine montanti, aperte sul didietro ma chiuse ben bene sul davanti e così alte che gli coprivano i seni in modo tale da non poterci ficcare nemmeno un dito, per cui i poveri amanti, dolenti e contemplativi, erano molto infelici. Così un bel giorno di martedì io presentai istanza alla corte contro le dette damigelle, e costituendomi parte lesa, dimostrai il gran danno che me ne veniva e protestai che per le stesse identiche ragioni avrei cucito anch'io la mia braghetta sul didietro, salvo che la corte non avesse regolato la materia con equità. Per farla breve, le damigelle si costituirono in sindacato, esibirono i loro argomenti e nominarono un avvocato difensore; ma io le perseguii con tale accanimento che, per decreto della corte, fu bandito l'uso delle pettorine, fatta eccezione per quelle aperte un po' sul davanti. Ma lo so io quello che mi è costato.
«Un altro processo ben disgustoso e fetido lo ebbi con Mastro Nettacessi e i suoi sergenti per fargli perdere il vizio di leggere a notte e clandestinamente (invece che di giorno, davanti a tutti i teologi, nella gran sala della Sorbona, come dev'essere) la Botte del Bottino e il Quartarolo del Digesto. Ma qui fui condannato alle spese per un errore di forma dell'usciere.
«Un'altra volta sporsi querela alla concelleria della corte contro le mule dei signori Presidenti nonché Consiglieri ed altri Uffiziali, per obbligarli, quando le lasciano a rodersi il freno nella bassa corte, a munirle di un bel bavaglino così che non insozzino tutto il selciato con la bava e i paggi possano giocare ai dadi o a rinnegabio con tutto comodo, senza imbrattarsi i calzoni alle ginocchia. Qui la sentenza mi dette ragione; ma mi costò un sacco di soldi. E adesso aggiungete a queste spese quel che mi costano le merende che mi tocca di offrire ai paggi un giorno dopo l'altro».
«E a quale scopo?» gli chiesi.
«Amico» rispose, «tu non hai un passatempo al mondo. Io invece ne ho tanti che nemmeno il Re. E se tu volessi allearti con me, noi due insieme faremmo il diavolo a quattro».
«No no, per Santa Forcola!» esclamai. «Perché a te un giorno o l'altro ti impiccano».
«E te? A te, un giorno o l'altro ti metteranno sotto terra. Cos'è più dignitoso, l'aria o la terra? Cristo Gesù non fu forse appeso in aria? E così, mentre i paggi si ingozzano, io sto di guardia alle mule e a qualcuno taglio lo staffile dalla parte del montatoio in modo che tenga appena per un capello. E quando il Consigliere panciuto e tronfio, o altri che sia, prende lo slancio per salire, sbatte la pancia a terra come un maiale, lì davanti a tutti, con una offerta di risate per più di cento franchi. Ma quello che mi fa ridere ancor più è che questi signori, quando arrivano a casa, se la pigliano coi paggi; e giù una serqua di legnate come se battessero segale acerba. Ragion per cui non ho proprio motivo di rimpiangere i soldi spesi per la merenda». In conclusione, come ho detto, egli aveva sessantatre modi di far quattrini; ma ne conosceva duecentoquattordici per dissiparli, senza tener conto delle vettovaglie per la cambusa del sottonaso.
CAPITOLO XVIII
Come fu che un sapientone d'Inghilterra, volendo cimentarsi con Pantagruele, fu sconfitto da Panurgo
Proprio in quei giorni un dotto uomo chiamato Thaumaste, attratto dal gran parlare che si faceva del sapere incomparabile di Pantagruele, venne dall'Inghilterra col solo intento di vederlo e conoscerlo ed accertarsi per prova se il suo sapere era pari alla di lui rinomanza. Difatti, appena giunto a Parigi si recò alla dimora di Pantagruele che alloggiava nel palazzo di San Dionigi e che, in quel momento, passeggiava per il giardino filosofando con Panurgo alla maniera dei peripatetici. Al primo sguardo trasalì di spavento nel vederlo così grande e così grosso, poi, come d'uso, lo salutò cortesemente con queste parole:
«Dice Platone, principe dei filosofi, che se l'immagine della sapienza fosse corporea e visibile agli umani, tutti sarebbero mossi ad ammirarla. Ed è ben vero. Poiché la sola eco di essa effusa nell'aria, se perviene all'orecchio di quegli studiosi che l'amano e son chiamati filosofi, non li lascia più dormire né più concede loro tregua alcuna, tanto li sprona e invoglia ad accorrere là dove possano mirare di persona quegli del quale è fama che la sapienza abbia in lui stabilito il suo tempio e i suoi oracoli.
«E ciò fu reso a noi esemplarmente manifesto:
dalla regina di Saba, che venne dai confini estremi d'Oriente e del Mare Persiano per ammirare l'ordine della casa del saggio Salomone ed ascoltare i suoi detti;
da Anacarsi, che dalla Scizia si condusse fino ad Atene per conoscere Solone;
da Pitagora, che si recò a visitare i vaticinatori di Menfi;
da Platone, che visitò i magi d'Egitto e Archita di Taranto;
da Apollonio di Tiana che andò fino ai monti del Caucaso, attraversò il paese degli Sciti, dei Massageti, degli Indiani, navigò il gran fiume Fisone, fino alla terra dei Brahmani, per conoscere Hiarca, e poi passò in Babilonia, Caldea, Media, Assiria, Partia, Fenicia, Arabia, Palestina, Alessandria, fino all'Etiopia, per visitare i Gimnosofisti113.
«Un pari esempio abbiamo in Tito Livio, dacché, per vederlo e sentirlo, molti studiosi giunsero a Roma dalle più remote frontiere di Francia e di Spagna.
«Io non oso annoverarmi nel numero e nell'ordine di uomini tanto eccellenti; ma intendo essere considerato persona dedita agli studi e amante delle buone lettere e di chi le coltiva.
«Difatti, come mi giunse voce del tuo inestimabile sapere, ho lasciato il mio paese, i miei familiari, la casa, e mi sono condotto fin qua senza dare alcun peso alla lunghezza del cammino, ai disagi del mare, alla novità delle contrade, ansioso soltanto di vederti e ragionare con te su alcuni passi di filosofia, di geomanzia, di cabala che mi paiono oscuri e mi lasciano dubitoso e irrequieto. I quali se tu mi saprai chiarire, io mi rendo sin da ora tuo schiavo giacché non ho altro dono che io stimi adeguato a tua ricompensa.
«Io li stenderò per iscritto e domani li farò conoscere a tutte le persone dotte della città, così che ne possiamo discutere pubblicamente davanti a loro.
«Ma ecco come io intendo che ne discutiamo. Io non voglio argomentare pro et contra come si usa dagli sciocchi sofisti di questa e di altre città; né intendo disputare per declamazione al modo degli accademici, o per numeri come Pitagora, o come pretendeva di fare Pico della Mirandola in Roma: io intendo che si discuta per segni, senza parlare, poiché gli argomenti sono così ardui che le parole umane non sarebbero sufficienti a dispiegarli come io penso che si debba.
«Perciò, piaccia alla Tua Magnificenza di non mancare all'incontro, che avverrà nella grande Sala di Navarra, domani, all'ora settima del mattino».
A queste parole Pantagruele rispose con dignità e modestia:
«Signore, per quanto è in mio potere, di tutte le grazie che Dio mi ha elargito, mai a nessuno io vorrei togliere di aver parte, poiché ogni bene ne viene da lui ed egli si compiace di vederlo moltiplicato e condiviso fra persone condegne, atte a ricevere questa manna celeste dell'onesto sapere. E poiché fra costoro, come ben m'avvedo, tu occupi oggigiorno il primo posto, io ti notifico che in qualsiasi momento mi troverai pronto ad ottemperare a ogni tua richiesta secondo le mie deboli forze, sebbene io debba apprendere da te più di quanto tu non debba da me. Ma, conforme il tuo dire, noi ragioneremo insieme di codesti tuoi dubbi e passi oscuri e ne ricercheremo la soluzione fino al fondo di quel pozzo senza fondo, dove, diceva Eraclito, si nasconde la verità114.
«E lodo assai il modo di argomentare da te proposto, cioè per segni e senza parole, poiché così facendo tu ed io ci comprenderemo e non ci toccherà di sopportare i battimani di quei babbioni di sofisti, allorché, argomentando, si viene al punto chiave della questione.
«Domani dunque io non mancherò di trovarmi là dove hai detto e nell'ora da te stabilita, ma chiedo che non siavi tra noi animosità né contesa e che il nostro argomentare non miri agli onori e agli applausi degli uomini, bensì soltanto alla ricerca della verità».
Al che Thaumaste rispose:
«Signore, io prego Dio a che ti conservi nella sua grazia e rendo lode alla Tua alta magnificenza per essersi degnata di condiscendere alla mia infima pochezza. Ed ora addio, fino a domani».
«Addio» disse Pantagruele.
E voi, signori che leggete questo scritto, credetemi: mai due persone al mondo furon prese in un vortice di sì elevati pensieri come lo furono da quel momento all'indomani tanto Thaumaste quanto Pantagruele. Infatti, il dotto Thaumaste confidò al portiere del Palazzo di Cluny, dov'era alloggiato, di non aver mai sofferto una sete paragonabile all'arsura di quella notte.
«Io son d'avviso» diceva, «che Pantagruele mi abbia preso alla gola. Provvedete per il bere, ve ne prego, e fate in modo che non manchi acqua di fonte per rinfrescarmi il palato».
Pantagruele, dal canto suo, rischiò addirittura di rimetterci il senno, perché, quanto è lunga la notte, non fece che fantasticare su:
il libro di Beda, De Numeris et signis;
il libro di Platino, De Innumerabilibus;
il libro di Proclo, De Magia;
i libri di Artemidoro, Perì Onirocriticon;
di Anassagora, Perì Semion;
di Ynario, Perì Aphaton115;
i libri di Filistione;
di Ipponace, Perì Anecphoneton116;
e un'infinità di altri. Tanto che Panurgo gli disse:
«Signore, lasciate perdere codesti pensieri e andate a dormire, perché io vi vedo talmente esagitato nell'animo che, se non la smettete, vi piglierete di certo una svampata di febbre per eccesso di pensamento. Fatevi prima venticinque o trenta delle vostre bevute, andate a letto, dormite e non pensateci più, che domattina me la vedo io: argomento io, rispondo io a messer l'Inglese, e se non lo riduco ad metam non loqui, se non gli tappo la bocca, dite pure corna di me».
«Sì, certo» disse Pantagruele. «Ma tu, Panurgo, amico mio, non consideri che costui è prodigiosamente sapiente: Come potrai, tu, reggere il confronto?»
«Lo reggerò benissimo» disse Panurgo. «Ve ne prego, non parliamone più e lasciate fare a me. Esiste forse un uomo che ne sappia di più dei cugini di Belzebù?»
«No assolutamente. Salvo che non sia per singolare grazia divina».
«E tuttavia», incalzò Panurgo, «ho avuto da discutere con loro mille volte, e sempre li ho fatti di sale e li ho messi culo a terra. Perciò state tranquillo che domani, a questo Inglese stronfione, gli faccio cacare aceto davanti a tutti».
Così Panurgo trascorse la notte a bevazzare coi paggi e a giocarsi tutte le stringhe dei suoi pantaloni a Primus et Secundus nonché alla Verghetta, e quando giunse l'ora condusse il suo signore Pantagruele al luogo stabilito; e potete star certi che non vi fu parigino grande o piccolo che non fosse già là, poiché tutti pensavano che se pure in altra occasione Pantagruele aveva messo a tacere quegli imbroglioni e becchi gialli dei sorbonicoli, questa volta avrebbe trovato pane per i suoi denti. «Questo Inglese» dicevano, «è anche lui un diavolo dalle corna dure. Vedremo chi la vincerà».
Formatasi dunque questa grande adunanza, Thaumaste aspettava; e come Pantagruele e Panurgo fecero il loro ingresso nella sala, studentelli, baccellieri e delegati esplosero in un gran battimani com'è loro stupido costume. Ma Pantagruele, con voce di tuono, li azzittì:
«Silenzio, bricconi! Silenzio, per tutti i diavoli! Se continuate a intronarmi il cervello, vi taglio la testa uno per uno».
A queste parole, tutti rimasero a bocca aperta come tante papere; né avrebbero osato tossire nemmeno a ficcargli in gola quindici libbre di piume. E venne loro una tal sete al suono soltanto di quella voce che cacciavano fuori mezzo piede di lingua come se Pantagruele gli avesse messo il sale nella strozza.
Allora Panurgo esordì dicendo all'Inglese:
«Signore, sei tu venuto qui per sostenere a ogni costo le tue proposizioni, oppure per apprendere e conoscere il vero?»
«Signore» fu la risposta, «null'altro mi muove in verità se non il nobile desiderio di veder bene addentro ai punti oscuri che mi tennero in grave perplessità per tutta la vita, mai non avendo trovato libro o persona che mi chiarisse in modo soddisfacente i dubbi che ho proposto. Quanto poi al contendere per partito preso, non è mia intenzione di farlo: è cosa troppo vile e la lascio a quei marrani di sofisti sorbilloni, sorbonagri, sorbonigeri, sorbonicoli, sorboniformi, sorcoidanzoni, sorbottoni e sorrecchioni117 i quali nelle loro dispute non cercano per nulla la verità, ma solamente prevaricazione e contesa».
«Dunque» disse Panurgo, «se io, che sono umile discepolo del mio signore Messer Pantagruele, potrò accontentarti e darti soddisfazione in tutto e per tutto, sarebbe cosa indegna importunare il mio maestro; per cui sarà più conveniente che egli sieda fra noi quale giudice delle nostre argomentazioni, salvo ad accontentarti per soprammercato lui di persona, se a te parrà che io non abbia soddisfatto appieno il tuo desiderio di conoscenza».
«Veramente ben detto» disse Thaumaste.
«Comincia dunque».
E notate che Panurgo aveva attaccato al fondo della sua lunga braghetta un bel fiocco di seta, rosso, bianco, verde e blu, e dentro vi aveva messo una grossa melarancia.
CAPITOLO XIX
Come Panurgo fece abbassar la cresta all'Inglese che argomentava per gesti
Ed ecco che, mentre tutti erano là con le orecchie tese e in perfetto silenzio, l'Inglese levò in aria le mani una per volta e – le dita serrate a culo di gallina, come dicono a Chinon – le batté quattro volte unghia contr'unghia; quindi le aperse e poi, così di piatto, colpì l'una con l'altra con fragore. Fatto questo, ricompose le dita a culo di gallina e le batté per due volte; poi per quattro volte ancora avendole riaperte. Infine, esibite le mani ben distese, le ricongiunse in atto di preghiera.
Prontamente Panurgo levò la mano destra, ne infilò il pollice nella narice destra, tenendo tese ed unite le altre dita in posizione parallela alla pinna del naso; chiuse l'occhio sinistro e sogguardò col destro, forte aggrottando palpebra e sopracciglio. Poi levò la mano sinistra con il pollice eretto e le altre dita tese ed unite esattamente a specchio della mano opposta, ad un cubito e mezzo di distanza. Fatto questo, abbassò così messe le mani fino a terra per poi riportarle a mezz'aria, come mirando dritto al naso dell'Inglese.
«E se Mercurio...» disse costui.
Ma Panurgo gli tagliò la parola in bocca: «Eh no! Tu hai parlato mascherina!»
L'Inglese allora formò questo segno: alzò la mano sinistra bene aperta e poi la serrò a pugno con il pollice teso alla punta del naso. Subito dopo alzò la destra, anch'essa bene aperta, e bene aperta l'abbassò, premendone il pollice alle pieghe del mignolo chiuso della mano sinistra e pian piano muovendone le altre dita nell'aria. Poi, a vicenda, fece con la destra ciò che aveva fatto con la sinistra e con la sinistra ciò che aveva fatto con la destra.
Per nulla impressionato, Panurgo ribaltò in aria la sua trismegista braghetta con la mano sinistra e con la destra ne tirò fuori un pezzo di costola bovina bianca e due pezzi di legno di egual forma, l'uno di nero ebano, l'altro di legno del Brasile, incarnato; li assestò fra le dita in giusta simmetria e schioccandoli insieme ne traeva un suono simile a quello che fanno i lebbrosi di Bretagna con i loro crepitacoli, ma più echeggiante e armonioso. Frattanto, con la lingua contratta nella bocca, gorgheggiava allegramente senza mai distogliere lo sguardo dall'Inglese.
I teologi, i medici e i cerusici pensarono che, con questo segno, egli volesse dare addirittura del lebbroso a Thaumaste.
I Consiglieri, i legisti e i canonisti pensavano invece che egli intendesse annettere allo stato di lebbroso una sorta di umana felicità, come un tempo aveva detto il Signore.
L'Inglese non se ne spaventò e, alzate ambo le mani, le dispose in modo che – il mignolo disteso e chiuse a pugno le tre dita maestre –il pollice facesse capolino fra l'indice ed il medio. Così le presentava a Panurgo. Poi le congiunse facendo sì che il pollice sinistro toccasse il pollice destro e il mignolo destro il sinistro.
Allora Panurgo, senza batter ciglio, alzò le mani. Con la sinistra – la punta dell'indice unita a quella del pollice – formò una specie di anello, e dentro vi passava a più riprese l'indice teso della destra, le cui restanti dita teneva strette a pugno. Poi schiuse l'indice e il medio della mano destra, divaricandoli il più possibile e puntandoli così contro Thaumaste. Quindi, accostato all'angolo dell'occhio sinistro il pollice della mano sinistra, teneva questa spiegata come ala di uccello o come pinna di pesce, agitandola con grazia di qua e di là per poi fare lo stesso con l'altra mano all'angolo dell'occhio destro.
Qui Thaumaste cominciava a tremare e impallidire, e tuttavia rispose – prima di destra poi di sinistra – schioccando il dito medio contro il muscolo della palma a pie' del pollice, per poi ficcare l'indice della mano destra nell'occhiello formato dalla sinistra, ma passando da sotto e non da sopra, al contrario di Panurgo.
Panurgo, allora, batté forte le mani palma a palma e poi vi soffiò su. Fatto questo, cacciò di nuovo l'indice della destra nell'occhiello formato dalla sinistra, dentro e fuori più volte. Poi, proteso il mento, folgorava Thaumaste con lo sguardo.
Gli astanti, che di tutti quei segni non capivano niente, compresero però che qui Panurgo sfidava Thaumaste a spiegarsi più chiaro.
Infatti Thaumaste già grondava sudore e aveva tutto l'aspetto di un uomo rapito in altissima contemplazione. Poi parve riprendersi: giustappose le unghie d'ambo le mani con le dita piegate a semicerchio, levando alte le braccia il più possibile perché ognuno vedesse questo segno.
Per tutta risposta, Panurgo, premendo il pollice destro sotto la mascella, introdusse il mignolo della stessa mano nell'occhiello dell'altra, e intanto batteva ed arrotava i denti emettendo suoni assai carezzevoli.
Affranto ed ansimante, Thaumaste si levò, ma nel levarsi gli scappò una gran loffia da fornaio con susseguente fuoruscita di merda. Poi pisciò aceto ben forte e puzzava come tutti i diavoli. Insomma se la fece nei calzoni per eccesso d'angustia, e l'udienza cominciò a tapparsi il naso.
Lui tuttavia levò la mano destra facendo pepe con le dita, e mise al petto la sinistra bene aperta.
Al che Panurgo tirò su la sua lunga braghetta con il fiocco e la distese per un cubito e mezzo, reggendola con la mano sinistra. Con la destra prese la melarancia e, lanciatala in aria sette volte, all'ottava la fece sparire dentro il pugno che tenne fermo in alto. Poi prese a sventolare la sua bella braghetta come invitando Thaumaste ad ammirarla.
A tal vista Thaumaste gonfiò le gote come uno zampognaro e soffiava e soffiava quasi avesse a gonfiare una vescica di maiale.
Panurgo allora si mise l'indice della mano destra nel buco del sedere e cominciò ad aspirare con la bocca come quando si mangiano le ostriche dal guscio o si tira su il brodo dal cucchiaio. Poi dischiuse la bocca e vi batté col palmo della mano libera producendo un suono cavernoso come venisse su dal diaframma attraverso il condotto della trachea: questo per sedici volte.
Ma poiché Thaumaste continuava a soffiare come un'oca spaventata, Panurgo si cacciò in bocca l'indice destro stringendolo forte con le labbra. Poi lo tirava fuori facendo un bello schiocco come quando i monelli sparano pallottole di rapa con i loro schioppetti di sambuco: questo per nove volte.
Allora Thaumaste parlò: «Ecco, o signori, il gran segreto! Lui vi ha affondato le mani fino al gomito!». Ed estrasse un pugnale che aveva, tenendolo alto con la punta all'ingiù.
Dopo di che Panurgo mise mano di nuovo alla sua bella braghetta sbatacchiandola forte fra le cosce. Poi, intrecciate a pettine le mani, se le mise in testa, cacciando fuori tutta la lingua e roteando gli occhi nelle orbite come una capra che stia per morire.
«Adesso capisco» disse Thaumaste. «Ma che cosa capisco?». E il suo segno fu che questa volta si mise il pugnale al petto dalla parte del manico, con la punta a toccare il palmo della mano, piegando appena l'estremità delle dita.
Allora Panurgo chinò la testa sul lato sinistro e ficcò il dito medio nell'orecchio destro col pollice all'insù; incrociò le mani sul petto e tossì cinque volte, battendo a terra il piede destro al quinto colpo di tosse. Poi levò il braccio sinistro e chiudendone a pugno le dita – il pollice alla fronte – si percorse il petto sei volte con la mano destra.
Ma Thaumaste, tuttavia insoddisfatto, alzò la mano sinistra chiusa a pugno, col pollice premuto contro la punta del naso.
Per cui Panurgo, con i due medi agli angoli della bocca, aprì e stirò le labbra fino a mostrare tutti i denti, mentre coi pollici dilatava all'ingiù a dismisura le palpebre degli occhi, esibendo agli astanti una smorfia che parve a tutti bruttissima.
CAPITOLO XX
Dove Thaumaste illustra la virtù e il sapere di Panurgo
Allora Thaumaste si alzò e, togliendosi di capo il berretto, ringraziò a parte Panurgo con voce sommessa, poi si rivolse all'udienza a voce alta perché tutti sentissero:
«Signori, lasciate che in questo momento io ripeta il detto evangelico Et ecce plus quam Salomon hic118, poiché avete qui davanti a voi un tesoro incomparabile. Ed è monsignor Pantagruele, la cui rinomanza mi ha condotto fin qua dalle estreme contrade d'Inghilterra per discutere con lui di alcuni problemi, sia di magia, di alchimia, di cabala, di geomanzia, di astrologia, sia di filosofia, che occupavano l'animo mio. Ma debbo pur dirvi che adesso ho in gran dispetto la Fama, la quale mi pare sia invidiosa di lui, dacché non ne proclama se non la millesima parte del suo merito vero.
«Voi stessi avete visto come un suo semplice discepolo mi abbia soddisfatto, mi abbia detto più di quanto non chiedessi e mi abbia chiarito e risolto per soprammercato altri dubbi di rilevanza incalcolabile. Nel far questo, posso assicurarvi, egli mi ha mostrato la vera scaturigine e il fondo dell'abisso dell'universalità del sapere, su argomenti, vi dico, sui quali io non pensavo potesse esservi al mondo chi ne conoscesse i pur minimi ed elementari principi; e ciò disputando per segni, senza pronunziare nemmeno una mezza parola119.
«Ma io avrò cura di mettere per iscritto ciò che abbiamo detto e dimostrato affinché non si pensi che sia stata una ciancia o una baia e perché ognuno ne tragga profitto come ho fatto io.
«Ora potete ben giudicare che cosa avrebbe potuto dire il maestro, se il suo discepolo ha potuto, lui solo, far prova di sì alto valore; imperocché Non est discipulus super magistrum.
«In ogni caso sia lode a Dio. Io vi ringrazio con tutta umiltà per l'onore che avete reso a questo confronto. E che Dio ve ne rimeriti in eterno».
Eguali ringraziamenti rese Pantagruele a tutta l'adunanza e, partendosi di là, volle con sé Thaumaste a desinare; e vi assicuro che bevvero, come tutte le anime buone il giorno dei morti, a pancia sciolta ovverossia sbottonata (perché a quel tempo si usava sbottonare il panciotto come oggi il colletto) fino a chiedersi l'un l'altro «Donde vieni?».
Madonna santa, come tiravano alla botte! Fiaschi ad andare, bottiglie a tornare e tutti a chiamare:
«Tira!»
«Dai!»
«Porta!»
«Mesci!»
«Paggio, del vino!»
«Versa, versa, per tutti i diavoli!»
Non ce ne fu uno che non ne bevesse le sue venti o trenta moggia, e sapete come? Sicut terra sine aqua; perché faceva caldo e avevano una bella sete.
Quanto poi all'esposizione delle tesi proposte da Thaumaste e al significato dei segni adibiti nella discussione, io ve li esporrei secondo le loro intime correlazioni; ma mi è stato detto che Thaumaste li ha ordinati in un grosso libro stampato a Londra, nel quale tutto è chiarito e nulla tralasciato. Per questo e per il momento, io me ne discarico120.
CAPITOLO XXI
Come Panurgo si innamorò di una gran dama di Parigi
Panurgo cominciò ad acquistare reputazione nella città di Parigi in seguito alla disputa ch'egli aveva sostenuto contro l'Inglese; e da allora prese ad ostentare ancor più la sua lunga braghetta cui fece applicare bei ricami a ritaglio all'uso romano. Tutti lo lodavano pubblicamente e su di lui fu composta una canzone che i ragazzetti cantavano andando a comperare la mostarda. Egli era bene accolto in tutte le compagnie di dame e damigelle e ne inorgoglì a tal punto che concepì il disegno di mettersi sotto una delle grandi dame della città.
Difatti, lasciando perdere tutti i preamboli e le lunghe dichiarazioni che fanno per solito quegli amanti da quaresima, lagnosi e contemplativi, che non toccano mai carne, un giorno le parlò così:
«Signora, sarebbe cosa assai profittevole a tutta la repubblica, dilettevole a voi, confacente al vostro lignaggio ed a me necessaria che voi vi faceste coprire dalla mia razza, ovverossia da me. E dovete credermi, perché l'esperienza ve lo proverà».
La dama, a queste parole, replicò con tale indignazione da far correre chiunque per più di cento leghe:
«Miserabile matto, chi vi autorizza a tenermi simili discorsi? A chi credete di parlare? Fuori di qui! E guardatevi bene dal comparirmi davanti un'altra volta, che già manca poco ch'io non vi faccia tagliare braccia e gambe».
«Ma» disse lui, «a me, veramente, m'importerebbe ben poco di aver tagliate braccia e gambe, purché facessimo insieme, voi ed io, un quartirolo di baldoria; perché vedete» e mostrava la sua lunga braghetta, «c'è qui mastro Pannocchia che vi suonerà una gagliarda da farvela sentire fin nel midollo delle ossa. È così galante e così abile, prima di entrare nel vivo, a trovar fuori tutti i cavilli della procedura e tutte le ragnatele del passetto che dopo di lui non c'è più nulla da spolverare».
«Via di qua» sibilò la gran dama, «via di qua, lazzarone! Altrimenti chiamo gente e vi faccio legnare di santa ragione».
«Mannò!» disse lui. «Voi non siete così cattiva come volete far credere. Non può il vostro aspetto essere tanto ingannevole. Io dico che dovrà vedersi la terra scagliata nell'alto dei cieli e gli altissimi cieli sprofondati nell'abisso, e sovvertito ogni ordine della Natura prima che una sì gran bellezza ed eleganza possa accogliere in sé una goccia soltanto di fiele e di malizia. Si dice, è vero, che, per quanto si sia cercato,
mai si vide gran beltà
che alla prima te la dà;
ma questo è detto per le beltà volgari. La vostra invece è così eccellente, singolare e celeste, ch'io non dubito averla madre Natura posta in voi come modello per mostrarci a qual grado di perfezione possa giungere quando dispiega nell'opera tutta la sua potenza e il suo sapere. Tutto in voi non è che miele e zucchero e manna celeste. È a voi che Paride avrebbe dovuto assegnare l'aureo pomo: non a Venere, non a Giunone, né a Minerva, giacché mai non vi fu tanta magnificenza in Giunone, tanta prudenza in Minerva o in Venere tanta grazia quanta in voi se ne ammira.
«O dèi tutti del cielo, ben felice colui al quale farete la grazia di poter stringere al petto una tal donna, di baciarla e di sfregolarsi il lardo secolei! Perdio! Di chi sarà se non mia tanta ventura? Io già lo vedo, lo vedo! Essa mi ama alla follia. Lo so, lo sento, a ciò mi destinarono le stelle:
ragion per cui
bruciam le tappe,
apri le gambe,
stringi le chiappe».
E tentò di abbrancarla. Ma la donna fece finta di volersi affacciare alla finestra per chiamare i vicini a soccorso e Panurgo se la filò senza aspettare di vederci chiaro.
«Signora» le disse fuggendo, «aspettatemi qui. Ci vado io a chiamarli. Non datevi pena».
Così se ne andò senza troppo angustiarsi per lo smacco subìto, né perse l'appetito per questo.
Il giorno dopo si fece trovare in chiesa nell'ora in cui sapeva che lei andava alla messa. All'entrata le porse l'acqua benedetta con un profondo inchino, poi, con molta familiarità, andò ad inginocchiarsi accanto a lei.
«Signora» le disse, «io sono innamorato di voi a tal punto che non riesco più né a cacare né a pisciare. Io non so come voi la intendiate, ma, se dovessi ammalarmi, come la mettiamo?»
«Non lo so e non me ne importa» disse lei. «Andate, andate via, e lasciatemi pregare in pace».
«Ma» disse lui, «non conoscete il proverbio A pellebotte il mazzo conta?»
«No. Cosa vuol dire?»
«Vuol dire che a belle potte il cazzo monta. Ed ora pregate Dio che mi conceda ciò che il vostro nobile cuore desidera, e donatemi di grazia questo vostro rosario».
«Prendete» disse lei, «e non importunatemi più».
E voleva sfilare dalla cintura il suo prezioso rosario ch'era di cedro con grossi paternostri d'oro. Ma Panurgo trasse fuori il suo coltello, lo recise con bel garbo e lo intascò di volo per andarselo a vendere al mercato.
«Volete il mio coltello?» disse alzandosi.
«No no» disse lei.
«Se vi servisse» insistette Panurgo, «è sempre ai vostri ordini: corpo e beni, trippe e budella».
Ma già in cuor suo la dama era pentita di aver ceduto così il suo rosario, perché recitarlo in chiesa era uno dei suoi modi preferiti di darsi un contegno. E pensava: «Questo parolaio dev'essere uno scervellato di un qualche paese straniero. Che dirà mio marito? Certamente si adirerà. Ma gli dirò che un furfante me l'ha strappato in chiesa a tradimento. Vedrà il pezzetto di nastro che mi è rimasto attaccato alla cintura e mi crederà facilmente».
Dopo desinare, Panurgo andò a trovarla recando nella manica una gran borsa piena di bottoni di ferro e di gettoni; e cominciò a dirle: «Chi di noi due ama l'altro di più? Voi o io?»
«Quanto a me» disse la dama, «non vi odio perché amo tutti, conforme il comandamento di Dio».
«Ma, a proposito» disse lui, «non siete innamorata di me?»
«Vi ho già detto le mille volte» rispose lei, «di non farmi mai più simili discorsi. Se ne parlate ancora vi faccio vedere che cosa succede a chi attenta all'onore di una dama del mio rango. Adesso levatevi di torno e rendetemi il mio rosario prima che mio marito me ne chieda conto».
«Il vostro rosario? Ma non c'è ragione al mondo! Perzio, voglio darvi ben altro! Che ne direste di una corona tutta in oro smaltato a grosse sfere o a nodi d'amore? Oppure di massicce pepite, o tutta di grani d'ebano e giacinti, o di granate grandi e sfaccettate, inframezzate di fini turchesi, o magari di topazi e zaffiri alternati, o addirittura di splendidi balasci coi padrenostri di grossi diamanti d'acqua purissima a ventotto faccette?... No no: son cose troppo vili. Io so di un rosario di smeraldi con grani d'ambra grigia ben lavorati a sfera e una perla persiana nel fermaglio grossa quanto un'arancia. Non costa più di venticinquemila ducati e io voglio farvene dono, perché, sapete, non è il contante che mi manca». E, nel dir questo faceva suonare i suoi gettoni nella borsa come fossero marenghi. «Volete una pezza di velluto violetto cremisi tinto in grana, una pezza di raso broccato o cremisino? Volete collane, ori, nastri, ciondoli, anelli? Non avete che da fare un cenno. Fino a cinquantamila ducati non è niente per me».
«No, vi ringrazio» disse la donna che pure aveva l'acquolina in bocca, «non voglio niente da voi».
«Per Dio!» disse lui. «Ma c'è ben qualcosa che voglio io, da voi: qualcosa che nulla vi costa e nulla vi toglie. Vedete?» e agitava la sua lunga braghetta. «Qui c'è un pellegrino che vi chiede alloggio».
Poi voleva abbracciarla, ma lei si mise a gridare, benché non tanto forte.
Panurgo allora la smise di fare la commedia, e disse:
«Voi dunque non volete proprio lasciarvi fare nemmeno un po'? Allora merda a voi! Non siete degna, voi, di tanto bene e di sì grande onore. Ma vi giuro, perdio, che vi farò montare dai cani».
E detto questo scappò di galoppo per paura delle legnate, le quali egli temeva per inclinazione naturale.
CAPITOLO XXII
Come Panurgo giocò alla dama parigina un tiro che non le recò vantaggio
Ora notate che l'indomani era la festa del Corpus Domini, giorno nel quale tutte le donne sfoggiano i loro abbigliamenti più fastosi, e quella mattina la dama che sapete indossava un bellissimo mantello di raso chèrmisi e una sottana di velluto bianco di gran prezzo.
Ma fin dalla sera prima Panurgo s'era dato un gran da fare e tanto aveva cercato finché era riuscito a trovare una cagna in calore; l'aveva legata con la sua cintura, l'aveva portata nella sua stanza e qui l'aveva fatta mangiare e impinzata ben bene per tutta la notte.
Al mattino l'uccise; ne prese quella parte fessa che ben sanno i negromanti greci e che portò via con sé ben nascosta, ridotta in minuscoli pezzettini; andò dove la donna doveva recarsi per seguire la processione come si usa in quella solennità, e quando essa entrò le porse l'acqua benedetta salutandola con grande cortesia; le lasciò il tempo di recitare i suoi pissi pissi, poi andò a sedersi accanto a lei nello stesso banco e le porse un biglietto con su scritto un rondò che suonava così:
RONDÒ
Quella volta che a voi, bella signora,
dissi il mio caso, mi gridaste: «fora!»,
e foste si villana ch'ìo ne andai
(benché alcun male non v'avessi fatto
con vil pensiero, con parola od atto)
senza speranza di tornar più mai.
Perché, se proprio del mio cuor mendico
v'era in uggia il lamento e il troppo ardore,
senza sgolar non mi diceste: «Amico,
levatevi dai piedi per favore,
per questa volta»?
Torto non faccio alla beltà sovrana
vostra né al vostro onore se rammento
a voi che mi son preso la quartana
per amor vostro, e di ciò mi lamento.
Né altro chiedo con questo rondò
che di potervi cavalcare un po'
per questa volta.
E mentre lei svolgeva il foglio per vedere di che si trattasse, lui, con mano pronta e leggera, le sparse addosso qua e là, nelle pieghe delle maniche e del mantello, la droga che aveva con sé. E intanto l'ammoinava con parabole:
«Signora, non sempre i poveri innamorati se la passano bene. Quanto a me, posso soltanto sperare che le mie male notti, i travagli e le pene terribili che mi tocca di patire a causa dell'amore che ho per voi, mi valgano a sconto di altrettante pene del purgatorio».
Non ancora Panurgo aveva finito di parlare che già tutti i cani presenti in chiesa erano accorsi all'odore di quella droga ch'egli aveva sparso sugli abiti della signora: piccoli e grandi, grassi e sparuti, tutti erano là col bischero di fuori che l'annusavano e le pisciavano addosso d'ogni parte: il più turpe oltraggio del mondo.
Panurgo, sulle prime fece le viste di volerli scacciare, poi prese congedo e s'intanò in una cappella laterale per godersi il seguito, ché questi cani senza creanza erano tanto indaffarati a spìscettare e a pomiciare con le vesti della donna che un grosso levriere arrivò a pisciarle sulla testa, mentre gli altri gliela facevano sulle maniche, sul davanti, sul didietro, e i bassotti sulle scarpe; tanto che tutte le donne ch'erano accorse e le stavano intorno avevano un bel da fare a proteggerla.
Panurgo intanto se la rideva e andava insinuando nell'orecchio di alcuni signori della città che, secondo lui, quella signora era in calore, oppure era stata coperta di fresco da un levriere.
E quando vide che tutti i cani ringhiavano e guaivano a dovere come fanno intorno ad una cagna quand'è in calda, si allontanò di là per andare a cercare Pantagruele.
Per la strada, a ogni cane che incontrava gli dava una pedata, gridando: «Poltrone, perché non vai a nozze anche tu con i tuoi compagni? Avanti, per tutti i diavoli, avanti!». E, giunto a casa, disse a Pantagruele:
«Maestro, ve ne prego, venite a vedere tutti i cani di Francia che hanno preso in mezzo una bella signora e la vogliono immanicare».
Pantagruele acconsentì di buon grado, vide il mistero121 e trovò ch'era molto bello e del tutto insolito.
Ma il meglio venne alla processione, ché là si vide la donna dibattersi fra gli assalti di una turba di seicentomilaquattordici cani, senza contare gli ultimi arrivati che seguivano in coda fiutando l'orma e sostando a pisciare su ogni cosa ch'ella avesse sfiorato con il suo mantello.
E tutti lungo la strada si fermavano ad ammirare lo spettacolo, affascinati dalla furia di quei cani che assediavano la donna e le saltavano addosso fino al collo. Scarmigliata e con le belle vesti ridotte a un mucchio di fetidi stracci, essa non trovò di meglio che fuggirsene a casa. E i cani a inseguirla, e lei a rimpiattarsi, e le fantesche a ridere.
Come fu entrata ed ebbe chiusa la porta, i cani vi accorrevano ormai da mezza lega all'intorno, e tanto pisciarono su quella porta che ne nacque un ruscello nel quale avrebbero potuto navigare le anitre. Ed è appunto il ruscello che ora passa da San Vittore122 e che fornisce lo scarlatto alla tintoria di Gobelin grazie alla virtù specifica di quelle orine di cane, come ben predicava in pubblico Mastro nostro Oribus123.
Così, che Dio vi aiuti! Un mulino vi avrebbe potuto macinare; non così grande però come quello di Bazacle a Tolosa124.
CAPITOLO XXIII
Come Pantagruele partì da Parigi, avendo udito che i Dipsodi avevano invaso il paese degli Amauroti; e la ragione per cui in Francia le leghe sono così corte
Poco tempo dopo Pantagruele venne a sapere che suo padre Gargantua, preso in un sortilegio di Morgana, era andato a finire di volo nel paese delle Fate, come già nei tempi antichi Enoch ed Elia125, e che i Dipsodi, avuto sentore di questa traslazione, erano usciti dai loro confini, avevano devastato una grande regione del paese di Utopia e stringevano d'assedio la capitale degli Amauroti. Per cui, data l'urgenza del caso, partì da Parigi senza salutare nessuno e prese la via di Rouen.
Strada facendo, notò che le leghe di Francia erano troppo corte rispetto a quelle di altri paesi e ne chiese la ragione a Panurgo, che gliene espose la storia tal quale la racconta il monaco Mastro nostro Marotto del Lago nelle sue Gesta del Re di Canaria.
«Nei tempi andati» disse, «i paesi non erano divisi in leghe, miglia, stadi o parasanghe, finché a Re Faramondo non venne in testa di misurarli, e lo fece così: scelse in Parigi cento bei giovani, gagliardi, buontemponi e intraprendenti, e cento belle ragazze di Picardia, e li fece trattar bene e mangiar meglio per otto giorni di fila; poi li chiamò a sé, assegnò a ciascun giovane la sua ganza con un bel mucchio di soldi per le spese e li spedì lontano per vie diverse, chi di qua chi di là, con l'intesa che ovunque si fermassero per biscottarsi la ragazza, piantassero lì una pietra, ché questa, appunto, avrebbe segnato una lega. Partirono dunque quei bravi in grande allegria, e poiché erano bene in forze e senza pensieri, si fermavano a ogni fossatello o cavedagna per giocare a pimpompetto; ed ecco perché le leghe di Francia sono tanto corte. Ma poi, cammina e cammina, si sentivano stanchi e spompati come poveri cristi, con lo stoppino in secca, perché l'olio della lucerna era finito; e non razzolavano più tanto spesso, accontentandosi (gli uomini, ben s'intende) di una stracca e spregevole ripassata al giorno, massimo due. Ed ecco la ragione che fa così lunghe le leghe di Bretagna, delle Lande, di Allemagna e di altri paesi più lontani. Altri tirano in campo altre ragioni, ma questa, a me, mi sembra la più seria». Sulla quale opinione Pantagruele convenne di buon grado.
Partiti da Rouen, arrivarono a Honfleur, dove Pantagruele, Panurgo, Epistemone, Eustene e Carpalim decisero di mettersi per mare, e là, mentre aspettavano il vento propizio e ristoppavano la nave, Pantagruele ricevette da una dama di Parigi, sua donna da gran tempo, un messaggio sigillato su cui era scritto
Al più amato dalle dame, al meno leale dei prodi,
P.N.T.G.R.L.
CAPITOLO XXIV
Lettera che il messaggero di una dama di Parigi portò a Pantagruele e spiegazione di un motto inciso in un anello d'oro
Stupito alla lettura di quell'indirizzo, Pantagruele volle sapere dal messaggero chi lo avesse mandato, poi aprì la lettera e non vi trovò nulla di scritto, ma soltanto un anello d'oro con un diamante piatto. Allora chiamò Panurgo e sottopose il caso al suo giudizio. Panurgo sentenziò che certamente la lettera era scritta, ma con uno di quegli artifizi che rendono invisibile la scrittura: forse con sali di ammoniaca sciolti nell'acqua; e per accertarsene la mise vicino al fuoco.
Poi la mise nell'acqua per vedere se non fosse scritta con succo di titimaglio; ma niente.
Allora l'accostò a una candela per provare se invece non fosse scritta con liquore di cipolla bianca.
Poi ne stropicciò un cantuccio con olio di noce, pensando che forse era scritta con lisciva di cenere di fico.
Un altro cantuccio lo strofinò con latte di donna primipara, nel caso si trattasse di sangue di rospo.
Poi si rammentò di un altro inchiostro invisibile, una specie di rugiada che si trova nei frutti di alcachingi e vi passò un po' di cenere di nido di rondini.
Poi provò con il cerume delle orecchie che rivela l'inchiostro di fiele di corvo.
Poi si rammentò dell'olio di catapuzia e la mise a bagno nell'aceto. Poi la unse con dello strutto di pipistrello, nel dubbio che fosse scritta con lo sperma di balena chiamato ambra grigia.
Poi la immerse pian piano in un catino d'acqua fresca per vedere se fosse scritta con allume di piuma. E, non essendo venuto a capo di nulla, chiamò il messaggero e gli disse:
«Amico, la dama che ti manda non ti ha consegnato per caso anche un bastone da portare?». Perché gli era passato per la mente che potesse esserci di mezzo l'ingegnoso espediente di cui parla Aulo Gellio126. E siccome il messaggero gli rispose che no, lui fu sul punto di fargli radere i capelli per accertare se la dama gli avesse fatto scrivere qualcosa a inchiostro sulla testa rapata. Ma poi desistette, considerando che il messaggero aveva i capelli molto lunghi e che i capelli non possono crescere così tanto in così breve tempo. E disse a Pantagruele:
«Virtù di Dio, maestro, io non so più che cosa fare né cosa dire. Le ho provate tutte: buona parte delle ricette di Messer Francesco di Nianto da Firenze, nel suo libro Sul modo di leggere le scritture invisibili; poi quelle di Zoroastro nel Perì Grammaton acriton; poi di Calpurnio Basso nel De litteris illegibilibus; e non ho cavato un ragno da un buco. Qui c'è soltanto l'anello. Vediamo un po'». Di fatti lo guardarono ben bene e trovarono che all'interno c'era scritto in ebraico:
LAMAH HAZABTHANI.
Per cui chiamarono a consulto Epistemone, il quale spiegò che quelle erano le ultime parole di Cristo sulla croce127: «Perché mi hai abbandonato?».
A Panurgo per capire tutto, non occorreva niente di più.
«Vedete» disse, «vedete questo diamante? Questo è un diamante falso: "Di'-amante falso, perché mi ha abbandonato?". Questo voleva dire la dama! Tutto chiaro».
Sciolto così l'enimma, Pantagruele si ricordò che nel partirsene, non aveva preso congedo dalla sua donna e se ne contristò, e aveva una gran voglia di tornare a Parigi per far pace con lei. Ma Epistemone gli richiamò alla mente la dipartita di Enea da Didone e il detto di Eraclide Tarentino che «Quando la nave è agli ormeggi e la necessità incalza, meglio è tagliare la cima che perdere tempo a salpare l'ancora». Così egli doveva, adesso, deporre ogni altra cura e accorrere in difesa della sua città natale ch'era in grave pericolo.
Di fatto, non passò un'ora che si levò il vento di nord-nord-ovest al quale spiegarono tutte le vele prendendo il largo; e in pochi giorni, passando per Porto Santo e per Madera, fecero scalo alle Canarie.
Partiti di là, passarono per Capo Bianco, per il Senegal, per Capo Verde, la Gambia, il Capo Sagres, il Melli, doppiarono il Capo di Buona Speranza e fecero scalo nel regno di Melindo.
Poi ripresero il mare facendo vela al vento di tramontana. Passarono per Medèn, per Utì e Udém; doppiarono Galasìm e le isole delle Fate, costeggiarono il regno di Acoria e finalmente giunsero al porto di Utopia, che distava tre leghe poco più dalla città degli Amauroti.
A terra, si rinfrancarono un po'. Poi Pantagruele chiamò a sé i compagni e disse loro: «Ragazzi, la città non è molto distante da qui, e prima di muovere un passo è bene metterci d'accordo su ciò che intendiamo fare, per non somigliare agli Ateniesi che mai si consultavano se non a fatto compiuto. Siete voi decisi a vivere e morire con me?»
«Sì, signore» risposero tutti. «E contate pure su di noi come se fossimo le vostre dita».
«Orbene» disse lui, «c'è un solo punto che mi tiene l'animo sospeso e perplesso; ed è che noi non sappiamo in che ordine e in che numero siano i nemici che stringono d'assedio la città; ché, se lo sapessi, muoverei all'attacco con maggior sicurezza. Perciò dobbiamo concertarci sul modo di venirlo a conoscere».
Anche su questa proposta l'assenso fu unanime. «Lasciateci andare a vedere» dissero tutti, «e aspettateci qui. Prima di sera avrete notizie sicure».
«Io» disse Panurgo, «e non c'è sentinella o pattuglia che tenga, mi impegno a entrare nel loro campo, a banchettare con loro, ad andare a puttane a loro spese, a ispezionare le artiglierie e le tende di tutti i capitani, e anche a confessare i peccatori128, senza farmi riconoscere né prendere in castagna. Nemmeno il diavolo può insegnarmi qualche astuzia che io già non sappia, perché io sono della stirpe di Zopiro»129.
«Io» disse Epistemone, «conosco tutti gli accorgimenti e gli stratagemmi dei grandi capitani ed eroi del tempo antico e tutte le astuzie e gli accorgimenti dell'arte militare. Io ci vado, e quand'anche fossi scoperto e riconosciuto, me la caverò dando a credere di voi tutto quello che mi piacerà, perché io sono della stirpe di Sinone»130.
«Io» disse Eustene, «passerò attraverso le loro trincee ad onta delle pattuglie e delle sentinelle, perché io gli cammino sulla pancia e gli rompo braccia e gambe. Perché io sono della stirpe di Ercole».
«Quanto a me» disse Carpalim, «sono abbastanza lesto e leggero per attraversare le loro trincee e tutto il campo prima che mi scorgano. E non temo né dardo, né saetta, né cavallo veloce, fosse pure il Pegaso di Perseo, o il Pacoletto131. E davanti a loro me la filo sano e salvo, a colpo sicuro. Insomma, se passano gli uccelli, passo anch'io, e mi impegno a camminare sulle spighe di grano e sopra l'erba dei prati senza piegarne le cime132, come la vergine Camilla; perché io sono della sua stirpe».
CAPITOLO XXV
Come Panurgo, Carpalim, Eustene ed Epistemone, compagni di Pantagruele, sconfissero molto abilmente i seicentosessanta cavalieri
Mentre così parlava Carpalim, avvistarono seicentosessanta cavalieri ben montati su corsieri veloci che accorrevano al porto per vedere cosa portasse quella nave appena giunta all'approdo; e correvano briglia sciolta per catturare, potendo, i nuovi arrivati.
«Ragazzi, nemici in vista» disse Pantagruele. «Presto. Voi ritiratevi sulla nave, che a quelli penso io. Ve li ammazzerò come bestie, fossero pure dieci volte tanti. Voi ritiratevi e divertitevi a guardare».
«No no, signore» disse Panurgo. «Quello che dite non è ragionevole. Al contrario, ritiratevi voi sulla nave, voi e gli altri. Quelli me li lavoro io da solo. Non c'è tempo da perdere, affrettatevi».
E gli altri:
«Ben detto! Ritiratevi voi, signore. Noi restiamo qui con Panurgo, e vedrete di che cosa siamo capaci».
«Sta bene» disse Pantagruele. «Farò come dite voi. Ma se aveste a trovarvi in difficoltà, contate su di me».
Allora Panurgo prese due grossi canapi di bordo e ne fissò i capi all'argano sulla tolda; poi li svolse a terra formando due cerchi di grandezza diversa, uno dentro l'altro, e disse a Epistemone:
«Voi, signore, salite a bordo, e quando vi do la voce girate l'argano a tutta forza. E voi due» disse agli altri, «farete finta di arrendervi. Offritevi francamente ai nemici e obbediteli in tutto. Ma state attenti a non entrare nel giro di queste corde. Tenetevi sempre all'esterno».
Poi tirò fuori dal carico di bordo un fascio di paglia e un barile di polvere da cannone, ne cosparse le funi e se ne stette lì presso, una granata alla mano.
Ed ecco arrivare i cavalieri con tale impeto che i primi quasi andavano a dar di cozzo contro la nave. E poiché il terreno era viscido, ne andarono a gambe all'aria più di quarantaquattro: loro e i cavalli.
Gli altri, pensando che i primi avessero incontrato resistenza, si fecero sotto. Ma Panurgo li apostrofò con buona grazia:
«Signori, temo che qualcuno si sia fatto male. Perdonateci. Non è colpa nostra. È la lubricità dell'acqua marina, sempre così untuosa. Noi, lo vedete, ci rendiamo a discrezione».
Lo stesso dissero gli altri due lì accanto, ed anche Epistemone su dalla tolda. Intanto Panurgo prendeva le distanze e come vide che tutti i nemici erano dentro al giro dei cavi e che i suoi compagni, con l'aria di far largo ai cavalieri, se n'erano allontanati, mentre quelli vi si affollavano dentro per spiar da vicino la nave ed il carico, diede la voce a Epistemone:
«Tira, tira!»
E quello cominciò a tirare dando la volta al molinello, sì che le corde si aggrovigliavano ai piedi dei cavalli, che rovinarono a terra insieme ai cavalieri. I quali, vista la trappola, trassero le spade per tagliare le funi. Ma Panurgo diede fuoco alle polveri e li fece abbrustolire come anime dannate.
Uomini e cavalli, nessuno si salvò, ad eccezione di un tale che era montato su di un cavallo berbero e che riuscì a filarsela. Ma Carpalim, velocissimo, appena se ne accorse, lo inseguì e lo raggiunse allegramente in meno di cento passi; saltò in groppa al cavallo, abbrancò il fuggiasco da dietro e lo portò sulla nave.
Fatta piazza pulita dei nemici, Pantagruele ne gioì moltissimo, e non finiva di lodare l'abilità dei compagni, e volle che riposassero e mangiassero allegramente in riva al mare.
Là brindarono distesi a pancia sotto, e il prigioniero con loro in grande familiarità. Senonché il povero diavolo non era del tutto sicuro che Pantagruele non mangiasse anche lui bell'e intero: cosa altrettanto facile per Pantagruele, con quella gola che non finiva mai, quanto per voi ingoiare una ciliegia; ché, nella sua bocca, il meschino non avrebbe fatto maggiore ingombro di un chicco di miglio nella bocca di un asino.
CAPITOLO XXVI
Come Pantagruele e i suoi compagni erano stanchi di mangiare carne salata e come Carpalim andò a caccia di selvaggina
Il banchetto era appena cominciato che Carpalim saltò su a dire:
«Per Santa Cotica, possibile che non si trovi mai il verso di mangiare un po' di selvaggina? Questa carne salata mi mette una sete da morire. Adesso vado a prendere una coscia di quei cavalli là che abbiamo messo al fuoco, che ormai saranno cotti».
Ma mentre si alzava con questa idea, scorse ai margini del bosco un bellissimo capriolo che era uscito dal folto alla vista del falò di Panurgo, penso io. E subito gli fu addosso con la rapidità del fulmine, non senza aver preso a volo sul tragitto:
quattro grandi ottarde,
sette galline prataiole,
ventisei pernici grigie,
trentadue rosse,
sei fagiani,
nove beccacce,
diciannove chiurli133,
trentadue ramieri134,
e uccidendo inoltre con i piedi dieci o dodici fra conigli e leprotti abbastanza cresciuti per schivare le trappole,
diciotto coppie di gallinelle,
quindici cinghialetti,
due tassi,
tre grosse volpi.
Ucciso dunque il capriolo con una gran sciabolata sulla testa, se lo mise in spalla, raccolse leprotti, cinghialetti, beccacce e prataiole e appena fu abbastanza vicino per essere udito dai compagni:
«Aceto, aceto!» gridò. «Aceto, Panurgo, amico mio!»
Per cui il buon Pantagruele pensò che avesse male al cuore e ordinò che gli portassero l'aceto. Ma Panurgo comprese immediatamente che c'era selvaggina nel carniere. E infatti fece notare a Pantagruele che Carpalim portava a tracolla un bel capriolo, e un trofeo di leprotti alla cintura.
Senza por tempo in mezzo, Epistemone allestì nove spiedi di legno all'uso antico; Eustene diede una mano a sventrare, spennare e scorticare; Panurgo raccattò fra i morti due selle da battaglia e le dispose in modo che fungessero da alari; il prigioniero fu nominato rosticciere e, con i resti del fuoco che aveva arrostito i nemici, misero ad arrostire la cacciagione. Poi tavola magna senza economia di aceto, e peste a quell'uno che si mostrasse sobrio.
Ed era una festa vederli sbasoffiare così.
«Piacesse a Dio» disse Pantagruele, «che ognuno di voi avesse al mento due paia di sonaglietti da falcone sagro e io i bei campanoni degli orologi di Rennes, di Poitiers, di Tours e di Cambrai, per vedere che bella mattinata sapremmo suonare al ritmo della battiguancia!»
«Sì» disse Panurgo, «ma adesso è meglio pensare un po' ai casi nostri per vedere in che modo possiamo metter sotto i nemici».
«Giusto» disse Pantagruele. E si volse al prigioniero.
«Amico» gli disse, «adesso devi tirar fuori la verità senza mentire in nulla, se non vuoi essere scorticato vivo. Perché io sono quello che mangia i bambini. Perciò dovrai raccontarci tutto sulle posizioni, il numero dei nemici e la roccaforte dell'armata».
«Sappiate, signore, in tutta verità» rispose il prigioniero, «che nell'armata ci sono: trecento giganti tutti armati di pietre da taglio, prodigiosamente grandi anche se non proprio come voi, eccetto uno, chiamato Lupomannaro, tutto armato di incudini ciclopiche; centosessantatremila fantaccini tutti armati di pelle di folletti, gente forte ed intrepida; undicimilaquattrocento uomini d'arme; tremilaseicento doppi cannoni; spingarde senza numero; novantaquattromila pionieri; centocinquantamila puttane belle come dee...»
«Hanno pensato anche a me» interloquì Panurgo.
«Di queste» soggiunse il prigioniero, «alcune sono del paese delle Amazzoni, altre di Lione, di Parigi, della Turenna, dell'Angiò, del Poitou, di Normandia, di Allemagna; insomma di tutti i paesi e di tutte le lingue».
«Bene» disse Pantagruele. «Ma c'è anche il re?»
«Sì, signore: il re in persona. Noi lo chiamiamo Anarca, re dei Dipsodi, che è come dire re degli assetati, perché voi non avrete mai visto gente tanto tormentata dalla sete e tanto amante del bere. La sua tenda è guardata dai giganti».
«Basta così» disse Pantagruele. «A voi, ragazzi. Siete decisi a seguirmi?»
«Dio confonda in eterno chi non vi segue!» disse Panurgo. «Ho già pensato al modo di servirveli tutti bell'e morti come maiali, che non deve mancarne nemmeno un garretto nella cambusa del diavolo. Ma c'è un problemino che mi angustia un po'».
«E quale?» disse Pantagruele.
«È che non so come farò a far gustare il mio catorzolo a tutto quel ben di Dio di puttane in questo dopopranzo, in modo che non ne scappi una prima che l'abbia stesa come tutte le altre».
Rise Pantagruele, ma Carpalim protestò:
«Per tutti i diavoli di Casa del Diavolo, dovrò pure imbottirne qualcheduna anch'io!»
«E io» disse Eustene, «che non ho mai drizzato da quando partimmo da Rouen, salvo che la lancetta mi segna sempre le dieci o le undici e ce l'ho duro e forte come cento diavoli?»
«Va bene» disse Panurgo, «a te ti lascio le più grasse e pasciute».
«Come sarebbe?» disse Epistemone. «Tutti a cavallo e io a tirar l'asino per la cavezza? Il diavolo si porti chi ci sta. La regola è il diritto di guerra: qui potest capere capiat».
«Va be'» disse Panurgo. «Tu attacca pure il tuo asino al chiodo e ognuno cavalchi come può».
A questi ragionari, Pantagruele taceva e rideva. Poi disse loro:
«Badate, ragazzi, di non fare i conti senza l'oste. Ho una gran paura che prima di sera mi toccherà di vedervi in condizioni tali da non aver più estro per cavalcare nemmeno una scopa, e che toccherà a voi di essere cavalcati a gran colpi di picca e di lancia».
«E io vi dico» replicò Epistemone, «che ve li servo arrosto, lessi, in fricassea o in polpette. Non sono poi tanti come l'esercito di Serse che aveva trecentomila combattenti, se vogliam credere a Erodoto e a Pompeo Trogo135; e tuttavia Temistocle con poca gente li sconfisse. Non datevi pensiero, perdio!»
«Merda merda!» disse Panurgo. «Basterà la mia braghetta a spazzar via tutti gli uomini, e San Frugone che ci sta dentro a sfruconare tutte le donne».
«Su dunque, ragazzi!» disse Pantagruele. «Coraggio e in marcia».
CAPITOLO XXVII
Come Pantagruele eresse un trofeo in memoria delle prodezze dei suoi e Panurgo un altro in memoria dei leprotti. Come dai peti di Pantagruele si generarono migliaia di piccoli uomini e dalle sue loffie altrettante piccolissime donne, e come Panurgo ruppe un grosso bastone su due bicchieri
«Ma prima che ce ne andiamo» disse poi Pantagruele, «io voglio erigere qui, in questo luogo, un degno trofeo della vostra prodezza».
Allora tutti insieme e in grande allegria, cantando villanelle e barcarole, drizzarono un grosso tronco al quale appesero: una sella da battaglia, un frontale da cavallo, bardature, staffili, speroni, un giaco, un'armatura d'acciaio, una scure, uno stocco, una manopola, una mazza, due bracciali, tre schinieri, una gorgiera e ogni altra cosa che si addica a un arco di trionfo o trofeo.
Poi, a perenne memoria della gesta, Pantagruele vi iscrisse un canto di guerra e di vittoria che suonava così:
Come già un tempo Fabio e i due Scipioni,
qui, di senno e virtù non d'arme onusti,
quattro animosi, impavidi campioni
fecero di seicento piattoloni
tutti in arnese, ribaldi e stronfioni,
un sol falò come di secchi arbusti,
mostrando a duchi e re quanto più vaglia
l'ingegno che la forza anco in battaglia.
Ché la vittoria,
per legge notoria,
è data da Dio,
per cui solo al pio
e non al più forte
l'assegna la sorte.
Mentre Pantagruele era intento a comporre questi versi, Panurgo, dal canto suo, inalberò su di un palo le corna del capriolo, la pelle e il piede destro del medesimo; poi le orecchie di tre leprotti, il lombo di un coniglio, le mandibole di una lepre, le ali di due ottarde, i piedi di quattro ramieri, una fiasca di aceto, un corno portasale, gli schidioni di legno, un lordatoio, un pentolaccio tutto sforacchiato, una brocca dove facevano la salsa, una saliera di coccio, una ciotola di Beauvais. E, a imitazione del peana di Pantagruele, vi iscrisse quel che segue:
Qui, quattro bettolanti e gran campioni,
che aveano all'otre dichiarato guerra,
se ne stettero un giorno, culo a terra,
bevendo a volontà come carpioni.
Qui mastro lepre, fagiani e palombi,
monsignor capriolo, tassi, aironi
persero petti, torsi, cosce e lombi,
fegato ed animelle, ali e rognoni.
Aceto, sale e vino, a farla corta,
per seguirli si presero una storta.
Contro il calore
il bevitore
non ha migliore
schermo o riparo
se non il bevere
a colme pevere
e del più raro.
Ma il salmì di leprotti è gran disgrazia
se dell'aceto non avrai memoria,
ché il valor del leprotto, anima e grazia,
star nell'aceto è norma perentoria.
«Su, ragazzi» disse allora Pantagruele. «Ci siamo divertiti anche troppo qui a sbasoffiare, perché ben di rado si è visto che chi grandeggia a banchetto grandeggi anche in battaglia. Qui fa mestieri d'ombra di stendardi, fumo di cavalli e battìo di corazze. Non c'è tempo da perdere».
«Per me» rise Epistemone, «qui fa mestieri d'ombra di cucina, fumo di frittelle e battìo di boccali».
«Per me» fece eco Panurgo, «qui fa mestieri d'ombra di cortine, fumo di tettine e battìo di coglioni». Poi fece un salto, un peto e un fischio e gridò allegramente.
«Viva sempre Pantagruele».
Ammirato, Pantagruele volle fare altrettanto; ma il peto che sfornò fu tale che la terra ne tremò per nove leghe all'intorno; e dal vento di quell'aria corrotta si generarono istantaneamente più di cinquantatremila omiciattoli nani e scontraffatti; poi da un loffia che mandò di scorta, una turba si generò egualmente numerosa di donnettine rattrappite come se ne vedono in tutti i cantoni, le quali mai non crescono se non verso il basso come la coda delle vacche, o solo giro giro come le rape del Limosino136.
«E che!» fece Panurgo. «I vostri peti sono tanto fecondi? Perdio! Ecco qua delle bellissime ciabatte d'uomini e delle belle vesce di donne. Io dico che bisogna sposarli insieme, e vedrete che metteranno al mondo dei bellissimi tafani».
Così fece Pantagruele e li chiamò Pigmei, inviandoli a vivere in un'isola lì vicino, dove da allora si sono moltiplicati come conigli, nonostante le gru che fan loro la guerra di continuo e dalle quali si difendono coraggiosamente137; perché quei bravi mezzi tappi d'uomini, che in Scozia son chiamati 'manici di striglia', son corrivi alla collera. E la ragione naturale sta in ciò, che essi hanno il cuore vicino alla merda.
Panurgo intanto, presi due bicchieri ch'erano lì, di uguale grandezza, e riempitili d'acqua fino all'orlo, li pose su due sgabelli uguali che collocò alla distanza di cinque piedi uno dall'altro, poi prese un'asta di giavellotto lunga cinque piedi e mezzo e la posò sui due bicchieri per modo che le estremità ne toccassero l'orlo di misura.
Fatto questo, prese un grosso piolo e disse a Pantagruele e agli altri compagni:
«Signori, adesso considerate come noi facilmente avremo ragione dei nostri nemici: poiché, come io spezzerò questo legno senza rompere né incrinare i due bicchieri e – notate – senza che ne debordi una sola goccia d'acqua, allo stesso modo noi romperemo la testa dei nostri bravi Dipsodi, senza subire una ferita né perdita alcuna dei nostri beni. Ma perché non pensiate che ci sia un qualche incantesimo, prendete» disse ad Eustene, porgendogli il piolo, «date una botta con questo a metà del bastone e a tutta forza». Così fece Eustene, e l'asta si spezzò di netto, giusto nel mezzo e senza che una goccia d'acqua sortisse dai bicchieri.
«E ne so di ben altre» concluse Panurgo. «Ma insomma, andiamo tranquilli».
CAPITOLO XXVIII
Come Pantagruele sconfisse Dipsodi e giganti in maniera molto strana
Dopo tutti questi discorsi, Pantagruele chiamò a sé il prigioniero e lo rimise in libertà.
«Vattene dal tuo re là dove tiene il campo» gli disse. «Raccontagli quello che hai veduto e digli che si prepari a festeggiare il mio arrivo domani verso mezzogiorno, perché non appena saranno giunte qui le mie galee – che sarà domattina al più tardi – gli dimostrerò con diciotto centinaia di migliaia di combattenti e settemila giganti, tutti più grandi di me come mi vedi, che ha commesso una follia oltre che un'ingiustizia a invadere il mio paese». E dava a credere così di avere un'armata sul mare.
Ma il prigioniero protestò che voleva rendersi suo schiavo, che era contento di non ritornare mai più da quelli là, bensì piuttosto di combattere al suo fianco contro di loro; e che in nome di Dio accogliesse la sua preghiera.
Lungi dall'esaudirlo, Pantagruele gli ingiunse di partire senza indugio, e che andasse là dove gli aveva detto. In più gli affidò un vasetto pieno di euforbio e di grani di coccognidio macerati in acquavite a mo' di conserva138, perché lo consegnasse al suo re con queste parole: «Se riuscirai a mangiarne un'oncia senza bere, potrai resistere a Pantagruele senza paura».
Il prigioniero allora lo pregò a mani giunte che al momento della battaglia avesse pietà di lui. Ma Pantagruele gli disse:
«Dopo che avrai ragguagliato di tutto il tuo re, io non ti dico come certi ipocriti Aiutati che Dio t'aiuta, perché è vero il contrario: Aiutati che il diavolo ti romperà il collo; ma io ti dico: Riponi in Dio la tua speranza ed egli non ti abbandonerà; perché, quanto a me, sebbene io sia così forte come puoi vedere e abbia ai miei ordini una miriade di armati, con tutto ciò io non mi affido né alla forza né all'abilità, bensì al volere di Dio, il quale mai non abbandona coloro che in lui solo ripongono la speranza e ogni loro pensiero».
A queste parole il prigioniero lo supplicò di volergli fare condizioni ragionevoli per il riscatto. Ma Pantagruele rispose che non era suo intendimento saccheggiare il paese o taglieggiare le persone, bensì arricchirle e restituirle a piena libertà. E soggiunse:
«Va' dunque nella pace del Dio vivente e guardati dalle cattive compagnie, che mal non te ne incolga».
Partito il prigioniero, Pantagruele riunì i suoi compagni e disse loro:
«Ragazzi, io ho fatto credere al prigioniero che abbiamo un'armata sul mare e che non andremo all'attacco prima di domani sul mezzogiorno; così loro, temendo l'arrivo di una moltitudine di armati, questa notte non penseranno ad altro che a fortificarsi e ad ordinar le difese, ma intanto il mio piano è di attaccarli sull'ora del primo sonno».
Ma è tempo di lasciare Pantagruele con i suoi apostoli e di occuparci di re Anarca e della sua armata.
Appena arrivato, il prigioniero si recò dal re e gli raccontò come fosse arrivato dal mare un grande gigante chiamato Pantagruele il quale aveva debellato e arrostito senza pietà tutti i seicentosessanta cavalieri, meno uno che era lui, unico sopravvissuto per recarne notizia; che inoltre questo gigante l'aveva incaricato di dirgli che gli apprestasse da mangiare per l'indomani verso mezzodì perché era deciso a portare l'attacco giusto a quell'ora. Poi gli consegnò il vasetto con dentro quel che sapete.
E non appena il re n'ebbe ingoiato un cucchiaino, gli venne un tal bruciore alla gola e una tale ulcerazione all'epiglottide che gli si spellò tutta la lingua; e per quanti rimedi gli apprestassero non trovava altro sollievo che nel bere senza remissione, perché se appena allontanava il boccale dalle labbra la lingua gli andava in fiamme; per cui si dissero che non c'era altro da fare e si diedero ad ingozzarlo di vino con un imbuto.
Sbalorditi, i suoi capitani, pascià e soldati di guardia, vollero gustare anch'essi di quella mistura per vedere se fosse davvero così terribilmente infiammatoria, e ci cascarono tutti come il re; per cui si misero a bere con tanto impegno che ben presto si sparse per il campo la voce del ritorno del prigioniero; e che l'indomani vi sarebbe stato l'assalto; e che già il re, i capitani e l'intero corpo di guardia del padiglione reale si preparavano alla battaglia bevendo a tutta canna. Per la qual cosa tutti i soldati dell'armata si diedero anch'essi a bere, trincare e tracannare; e tanto bevvero e ribevvero che caddero a terra nel più grande disordine, qua e là per il campo, addormentati come tanti maiali, nessuno escluso.
Lasciamoli dunque dormire e torniamo al buon Pantagruele per vedere come seppe condursi nell'impresa.
Partendosi dal luogo del trofeo, egli aveva divelto e impugnato come bordone l'albero maestro della nave, aveva sistemato nella coffa i duecentotrentasette barili di vino bianco d'Angiò che ancora restavano della provvista fatta a Rouen, si era attaccato alla cintura il battello tutto pieno di sale, che reggeva con la stessa facilità con cui le donne dei lanzichenecchi portano i loro cestelli, e così si era messo in cammino con i compagni.
Come furono in vista del campo nemico, Panurgo gli disse:
«Signore, volete che facciamo una cosa ben fatta? Tirate giù dalla coffa quel vino bianco d'Angiò e facciamoci qui una bevuta seria, alla bretone».
Pantagruele accondiscese di buon grado e bevvero tutti così pulito che dei duecentotrentasette carratelli non ne restò una goccia, salvo una borraccia di cuoio bollito di Tours che Panurgo riempì per sé – perché, diceva, era il suo Vade mecum – e qualche po' di feccia buona da farne aceto.
Com'ebbero finito di tirare all'ultima botticella, Panurgo propinò a Pantagruele un accidente di droga composta di lithontripon, nefrocatarticon, cotognata alla cantaride139 e altre spezie diuretiche.
Fatto questo, Pantagruele ordinò a Carpalim di entrare nella città.
«Salirai per le mura come un topo e come tu solo sai fare» gli disse, «e da lassù inciterai i cittadini alla sortita, e che diano addosso al nemico senza indugio e con tutte le forze. Poi scenderai e con una torcia darai fuoco a tutte le tende e i padiglioni del campo. Poi ti metterai a gridare con tutta la tua potentissima voce, più forte anche di Stentore quando si fece udire tra il frastuono dei Greci e dei Troiani in battaglia. Quindi fuggirai dal campo».
«D'accordo» disse Carpalim, «ma non sarebbe bene che inchiodassi tutte le loro artiglierie?»
«No» disse Pantagruele. «Invece darai fuoco alle polveri».
Senza oltre discutere, Carpalim partì immediatamente e fece come Pantagruele aveva stabilito, sì che tutti i combattenti ch'erano dentro la città ne sortirono.
Poi, com'ebbe terminato di mettere a fuoco tende e padiglioni, e passando come di volo sulla distesa dei nemici senza che se ne accorgessero, tanto russavano immersi nel più profondo letargo, Carpalim raggiunse lo schieramento delle artiglierie e appiccò il fuoco alle munizioni. Qui se la vide brutta perché il fuoco divampò così subitaneo che per poco non arrostiva anche lui, e se non fosse stato per la sua meravigliosa celerità sarebbe finito in fricassea come un maiale. Ma lui se la filò così veloce che neppure un quadrello di balestra avrebbe potuto raggiungerlo.
Poi, superate le trincee, si mise ad urlare in modo così selvaggio da far credere che si fossero scatenati tutti i diavoli dell'Inferno, e a quel rumore i nemici si ridestarono. Ma sapete come? Storditi come frati al primo tocco di Mattutino, che nel paese di Lucon si chiama grattacoglioni140.
Frattanto Pantagruele andava seminando a piene mani il sale che portava alla cintura dentro la barca, e come quelli dormivano a bocca aperta e spalancata, gliene riempì il gargarozzo così bene che i poveretti tossivano come volpi gridando «Pantagruele Pantagruele!» e imprecando a lui che gli attizzava il fuoco nella strozza141.
D'improvviso, a causa delle droghe che Panurgo gli aveva propinato, a Pantagruele venne da pisciare, e pisciò in mezzo al campo così bene e sì copiosamente che li sommerse tutti quanti, e vi fu un suo diluvio personale per dieci leghe all'intorno. Narra inoltre la storia che, se la grande giumenta di suo padre fosse stata là e avesse pisciato anche lei, vi sarebbe stato un diluvio più importante di quello di Deucalione, perché essa non faceva pisciata che non generasse un fiume più grande del Rodano e del Danubio.
A tal vista, quelli che erano usciti dalla città credettero a un massacro generale. «Guardate il sangue come scorre» dicevano. Ma si ingannavano, scambiando per sangue dei nemici il piscio di Pantagruele che vedevano soltanto baluginare ai riflessi del rogo dei padiglioni e di un debole chiarore di luna.
Dal canto loro, i nemici, finalmente svegli, vedendo da un lato l'incendio e dall'altro l'inondazione non sapevano cosa dire o pensare. Alcuni dicevano ch'era il Giudizio finale, cioè la fine del mondo, col fuoco che lo consuma come dev'essere; altri che Nettuno, Prometeo, Tritone e tutti gli dèi marini li perseguitavano, perché di fatto l'acqua era salata e quindi marina.
Ma adesso chi potrà degnamente narrare come seppe condursi Pantagruele a petto dei trecento giganti? O mia Musa, mia Calliope, mia Talia, ispiratemi voi e rinfrancate i miei spiriti, perché qui siamo giunti al ponte dell'asino dell'Arte Poetica, al trabocchetto che non puoi schivare, alla vera difficoltà di descrivere l'orrenda battaglia che ne seguì.
Avessi almeno qui davanti a me una brocca del vino più sincero che mai bevessero coloro che leggeranno questa storia, la più veridica mai scritta!
CAPITOLO XXIX
Come Pantagruele sbaragliò i trecento giganti corazzati di pietre da taglio e il loro capitano Lupomannaro
I giganti, vedendo il campo tutto allagato, presero in spalla il loro re Anarca e, al meglio che poterono, lo portarono all'asciutto fuor della mischia, similmente ad Enea con Anchise suo padre all'incendio di Troia.
Ma Panurgo li scorse e disse a Pantagruele:
«Signore, ecco i giganti che vengono fuori. Dategli addosso con il vostro abete, a tutta forza, come si usava nella vecchia scherma, perché questo è il momento di far vedere che siete uomo dabbene. Noi per parte nostra non vi abbandoneremo e state pur certo che io da solo ne stendo più d'uno. Non ci credete? Vi siete forse scordato di Davide e Golia? E perché io, che di tipi come Davide, che allora era soltanto un moccioso piscialetto, ne farei fuori almeno dodici, non dovrei esser buono a sbaragliare una dozzina di quelli là? E questo sacramentaccio di Eustene che è forte come quattro buoi, credete forse che si risparmierà? Fatevi coraggio, signore, e dateci dentro per dritto e per traverso, di punta e di taglio».
«Quanto al coraggio» disse Pantagruele, «ne ho per più di cinquanta franchi. E con ciò? Nemmeno Ercole si arrischiava a misurarsi con più di un mostro per volta».
«Voi così mi cacate nel naso» disse Panurgo. «Paragonarvi a Ercole! Voi! Ma c'è più forza nei vostri denti e più senno nel vostro culo che in tutto Ercole intero, compresa l'anima. Non lo sapete che
l'uomo altrettanto vale
quanto se stesso stima?»
Mentre così parlavano, ecco farsi avanti, con tutti i suoi trecento, Lupomannaro; il quale, vedendo Pantagruele tutto solo, e stimandolo non più che un mezzo catorzolo d'uomo, pensò di avere partita facile, per cui, tutto impettorito come un tacchino si volse ai suoi compari con disprezzo e arroganza.
«Statemi bene a sentire» disse, «puttanieri da campagna che non siete altro: se uno di voi soltanto si azzarda a immischiarsi in questa battaglia, giuro per Macometto che lo scortico vivo. Qui basto io e me la vedo da solo. Voi tiratevi da parte e divertitevi a guardare».
Cosi fecero i giganti, e si riunirono non lontano dov'era buona scorta di bottiglie, insieme al loro re; e con essi Panurgo e i suoi compagni.
La bocca storta, le dita rattrappite, la voce cavernosa, Panurgo si fingeva impestato fradicio, ma subito attaccò discorso e disse loro:
«Rinnegobio, compagni! Tra noi, qui, non c'è guerra. Perciò lasciateci mangiare insieme a voi, e che i nostri padroni se le suonino fra loro».
Il re e i giganti non fecero storie e banchettarono tutti insieme, e Panurgo intanto li intratteneva con le Favole di Turpino, i Miracoli di San Nicola e il racconto della Cicogna.
Lupomannaro dunque si fece avanti con una mazza tutta di acciaio – acciaio calibiano142, badate bene – del peso di settecento quintali e due quarti, con in testa tredici punte di diamante, la più piccola delle quali era grossa come la campana più grande di Nostra Signora di Parigi, salvo forse la differenza dello spessore di un'unghia, o forse – perché mi piace di essere preciso – di uno di quei bistorini che son chiamati mozzaorecchi: insomma la differenza di un niente, non so se per eccesso o per difetto. Inoltre questa mazza era fatata, cioè infrangibile, mentre, al contrario, mandava in pezzi tutto ciò che toccava.
Ma nel mentre che Lupomannaro avanzava fierissimamente, Pantagruele, levati gli occhi al cielo, faceva voti a Dio con tutto il cuore.
«Signore Iddio» pregava, «Tu che sei sempre stato il mio protettore e salvatore, adesso vedi l'angustia in cui mi trovo. Niente altro mi condusse qui se non l'istinto naturale da te infuso negli uomini di preservare e difendere se stessi, le mogli e i figli, la patria e il focolare, tutto ciò insomma che non sia cosa propriamente tua, cioè la fede; ché per questo tu non chiedi nulla a nessuno, salvo la confessione cattolica e l'osservanza della tua parola; perché anzi ci vieti di prendere le armi a tua difesa, essendo Tu quel Dio onnipotente che in ogni Sua faccenda e ovunque sia in gioco la Sua causa, può difendersi da sé assai meglio di quanto noi non possiamo immaginare: Tu che hai migliaia di centinaia di milioni di angeli, l'ultimo dei quali può distruggere da solo l'intera umanità o ribaltare il cielo e la terra a suo piacere, come ben vide e sperimentò l'esercito di Sennacherib. Dunque, se a te piacerà di venirmi in aiuto in questo momento, così come io ripongo in te ogni fiducia e speranza, ti faccio voto che per tutte le contrade di questo paese di Utopia come altrove, dovunque io abbia potere e autorità, farò che si predichi il tuo santo Evangelo, puramente, semplicemente e interamente, sì che gli abusi e le frodi di tutti quei pappalardi e falsi profeti che con le loro istituzioni profane e i turpi travisamenti del tuo verbo divino hanno avvelenato il mondo saranno spazzati via intorno a me».
Allora fu udita dal cielo una voce che diceva: «Hoc fac et vinces», che vuoi dire «Fa' questo e vincerai».
Rinfrancato, Pantagruele, vedendo Lupomannaro farglisi incontro a gola spalancata, gli andò incontro anche lui arditamente, gridando con quanta voce aveva «A morte, ribaldo, a morte», allo scopo di mettergli paura con il suo terribile grido, come insegna la disciplina dei Lacedemoni. Poi pescando a piene mani nel barcone che aveva alla cintura, gli buttò in faccia più di diciotto barili e mezzo di sale, tanto da riempirgli la gola e il naso, gli occhi e la bocca.
Lupomannaro allora s'infuriò e gli menò un colpo da spaccargli la testa. Ma Pantagruele che fu sempre valente, pronto allo scarto e dotato di un grande colpo d'occhio, arretrò di un passo sul piede sinistro; non così prestamente però da evitare che il colpo cadesse sul barcone, che finì a terra in quattromila ottantasette pezzi, insieme al sale che ancora vi restava.
Ciò vedendo, Pantagruele spiegò bravamente le braccia e, come insegna la scherma di scure, colpì l'avversario di stoccata col grosso dell'albero sotto la mammella e, raddoppiando il colpo a sinistra di taglio, gli suonò una gran botta tra capo e collo; poi avanzò sul piede destro e manovrando di punta gli tirò un'imbroccata ai coglioni. Ma nell'urto si ruppe la coffa insieme ai tre o quattro barili di vin bianco che c'erano ancora, per cui Lupomannaro credette che gli avesse sfondato la vescica e che quel fiotto di vino fosse l'urina sua che se ne usciva.
Di ciò non contento, Pantagruele tentò di replicare l'allungo, ma Lupomannaro, levando alta la mazza, gli era già sopra per scaricargliela addosso con tutta la sua forza. Difatti diede giù così forte che lo avrebbe spaccato in due dalla testa ai rognoni se Dio non l'avesse protetto, ché il colpo, per via dello scarto di Pantagruele, lo mancò di misura sulla destra e la mazza sprofondò nel terreno per più di sessanta piedi attraverso un macigno di basalto dal quale sprigionò una fiammata più grande di novemila botti e sei barili.
Pantagruele, visto che quello, adesso, si gingillava a disincagliare la mazza dalla roccia, gli si fece addosso mirando a staccargli la testa d'un colpo, ma sfortunatamente l'albero che impugnava andò a sfiorare il manico del maglio di Lupomannaro (che era fatato, come sapete) e quindi gli si ruppe in mano come creta a tre dita dall'impugnatura. Per cui Pantagruele rimase lì sbigottito come un fonditore di campane, e chiamò:
«Panurgo, Panurgo, dove sei?»
«Per Dio!» disse allora Panurgo al re e ai giganti. «Se non andiamo a separarli, quei due va a finire che si fanno del male». Ma i giganti se la spassavano meglio che a nozze, e come Carpalim fece l'atto di alzarsi per portare soccorso al suo signore, un gigante lo rimise giù.
«Per Golfarino nipote di Macone!» ringhiò. «Se alzi il culo da qui, io ti infilo nel fondo delle mie chiappe come una supposta. Tanto più che sono costipato di ventre e non riesco a cagare se non digrigno i denti».
Pantagruele, perduto il bastone, lo riprese per l'altro capo e si diede a menare alla cieca sul gigante, ma non gli faceva più danno di quanto ne fareste voi con un buffetto sull'incudine di un magnano. E già Lupomannaro tirava su la mazza, già l'aveva alzata e la brandiva per colpire. Ma Pantagruele, sempre lesto a scansarsi, schivava tutti i colpi, finché, al momento giusto, mentre Lupomannaro lo minacciava gridando «Miserabile canaglia, adesso ti riduco in pesto da polpette, così la finirai di mettere il sale nella gola della brava gente!», gli sferrò nel ventre una pedata talmente portentosa che lo mandò gambe all'aria, per poi tirarselo dietro così a scuoiaculo per più di un tiro di balestra.
«Ohi Macone, Macone, Macone!» gridava Lupomannaro gettando sangue dalla bocca. E a quella voce tutti i giganti si levarono per correre in suo aiuto. Né li trattenne il consiglio di Panurgo che li esortava a non andare, perché – diceva – il suo padrone era matto e tirava botte da orbo per dritto e per traverso, e certamente anche loro ne avrebbero toccate di brutte; ma i giganti, vedendo che Pantagruele era senz'armi, non gli diedero retta.
Allora, come li vide avvicinarsi, Pantagruele afferrò Lupomannaro per i piedi, lo brandì come una mazza e con quello, ch'era tutto corazzato di incudini, picchiava su quegli altri corazzati soltanto di macigni, e così li sbatteva giù come fa il muratore con le tegole, sì che nessuno gli si parava davanti che non finisse subito a terra. E al diroccare di quegli arnesi di pietra vi fu un così orrendo fracasso che mi venne in mente la torre di burro di Santo Stefano di Bourges, quando si sciolse al sorgere del sole143.
Frattanto Panurgo, Eustene e Carpalim andavano qua e là per il campo a sgozzettare quelli che già erano a terra, e state certi che non ne scampò nemmeno uno. E Pantagruele, a vederlo, sembrava un falciatore che, con la falce (ch'era Lupomannaro) tagliasse l'erba d'un prato (ch'erano i giganti). Ma in quella giostra Lupomannaro ci rimise la testa. E fu nel mentre che Pantagruele era occupato a squinternare un gigante chiamato Sfrattabiroldi, tutto bardato in alta uniforme di pietre arenarie, di cui una scheggia trapassò la gola a Epistemone da parte a parte, staccando la testa anche a lui; laddove gli altri giganti erano armati alla leggera, chi di lastroni di tufo, chi d'ardesia.
Finalmente, quando vide ch'erano morti tutti, Pantagruele ruotò alto nell'aria il gran corpaccio di Lupomannaro, come fosse una fionda, e lo scagliò lontano il più possibile al di là dei bastioni, tanto che andò a cadere a pancia sotto come un rospo in mezzo alla piazza grande della città, e nel cadere uccise d'un sol colpo un gatto bruciato, una gatta bagnata, un'anitra petaiola e un'ochetta imbrigliata.
CAPITOLO XXX
Come Epistemone, che aveva la taglia testata, fu guarito da Panurgo e come riportò notizie dei diavoli e dei dannati
Compiuta così vittoriosamente la gigantomachia, Pantagruele si ritirò nel luogo dov'erano le bottiglie chiamando a sé Panurgo e gli altri compagni. Tutti gli furono attorno sani e salvi, eccetto Eustene, cui un gigante aveva graffignato la faccia mentre lui lo sgozzava con il bistorino, ed Epistemone che non rispose all'appello. Del che Pantagruele fu talmente costernato che voleva uccidersi con le sue proprie mani. Ma Panurgo gli disse:
«Non precipitiamo, signore. Aspettiamo un momento. Lo cercheremo fra i morti e vedremo come stanno le cose».
E così cercando lo trovarono fra i morti, morto stecchito, che stringeva fra le braccia la sua testa tutta insanguinata.
«Ahi, morte malvagia che ci hai rapito il più perfetto degli uomini!» gridò Eustene a tal vista.
A quel grido, Pantagruele si levò nel più grande dolore che mai si vedesse al mondo, e disse a Panurgo:
«Ah, amico mio, quant'era fallace l'auspicio che traesti dal giavellotto e dai bicchieri!»
Ma Panurgo non si arrese.
«Ragazzi» disse, «aspettiamo a piangere. È ancora caldo caldo, e io ve lo rimetto in piedi più sano che mai».
Nel dir questo, raccolse la testa e l'avvolse nella sua braghetta perché non pigliasse vento. Eustene e Carpalim portarono il corpo nel luogo del banchetto, non già per la speranza di guarirlo, ma perché Pantagruele lo vedesse. Panurgo tuttavia li confortava dicendo: «Se non lo rimetto in piedi, voglio perderla io la testa» che era un giuramento da pazzo. «E adesso» aggiunse, «smettetela di pisciare dagli occhi e aiutatemi, invece!»
E già era intento a ripulire ben bene col vino bianco il moncone del collo e la testa; poi li senapizzò con polvere di Diamerdina che portava sempre in uno dei suoi tanti flaconi; poi unse la testa e il collo con non so quale unguento; quindi giustappose le parti esattamente, vena contro vena, nervo contro nervo, vertebra contro vertebra, perché non gli accadesse di avere per amico un collotorto, genere di persone che odiava a morte. Fatto questo, gli diede intorno una ventina di punti con l'ago affinché la testa non cadesse di nuovo, e in fine gli passò giro giro un certo unguento che lui chiamava Resuscitativo.
D'improvviso, Epistemone cominciò a respirare, poi ad aprire gli occhi, poi a sbadigliare, poi a starnutire; poi tirò un grosso peto da padre di famiglia, per cui Panurgo dichiarò: «Adesso è perfettamente guarito». E gli diede da bere una tazza di vinaccio bianco da osteria e un tostino zuccherato.
In questo modo Epistemone fu bellamente resuscitato, salvo che rimase arrochito per più di tre settimane, con una tosse secca della quale non poté liberarsi se non a forza di bere.
E subito cominciò a parlare, dicendo di aver veduto i demòni, di aver conversato alla buona con Lucifero, di aver banchettato all'inferno e fatto baldoria ai Campi Elisi; e garantiva a tutti che i diavoli eran gente di buona compagnia. Quanto ai dannati, disse di essere contrariato perché Panurgo l'aveva richiamato in vita troppo presto. «Mi divertivo da matto a guardarli» spiegò.
«Come sarebbe?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Non è» disse Epistemone, «che li trattino tanto male come potreste immaginare, ma il loro stato è cambiato nei modi più strani. Alessandro il Grande, per esempio, l'ho visto che rappezzava pantaloni vecchi e sbarcava il lunario così;
Serse andava in giro con un mastello a gridar la mostarda,
Romolo vendeva sale,
Numa, i chiodi,
Tarquinio faceva il taccagno,
Pisone, il contadino,
Silla, il barcaiolo,
Ciro, il vaccaro,
Temistocle, il vetraio,
Epaminonda fabbricava specchi,
Demostene faceva il vignarolo,
Bruto e Cassio, gli agrimensori,
Cicerone, il fuochista,
Fabio infilava paternostri,
Artaserse faceva il cordaio,
Enea, il mugnaio,
Achille, il tignoso,
Agamennone, il leccapiatti,
Ulisse, il mietitore,
Nestore, il minatore,
Dario, il vuotacessi,
Ancomarzio, il calafato,
Camillo, ciabattaro,
Marcello, sbucciafave,
Druso, schiacciamandorle,
Scipione l'Africano vendeva fondigli dentro uno zoccolo,
Asdrubale vendeva lanterne,
Annibale, polli,
Priamo, stracci vecchi,
Lancellotto del Lago scotennava cavalli morti.
«Tutti i cavalieri della Tavola Rotonda, stavano al remo tutto il tempo sul Cocito, l'Acheronte, lo Stige e il Flegetonte, peggio dei barcaioli di Lione e dei gondolieri di Venezia, sempre a disposizione dei signori diavoli quando hanno voglia di andare in barca e diguazzare un po'. Per tutta paga un buffetto sul naso a traversata e, alla sera, un mozzicone di pane con la muffa.
«Invece, i dodici Pari di Francia stanno là senza far niente, a quel che ho visto, ma si guadagnano la vita buscando schiaffoni, buffetti, pizzicotti sul naso, giuggiole da olio santo e gran cazzotti nei denti.
C'è anche Traiano che pesca ranocchie,
Antonino che fa il lacchè,
Commodo che lavora il gaietto,
Pertinace che smalla le noci,
Lucullo, rosticciere
Giustiniano, che fabbrica balocchi,
Ettore, leccasalse,
Paride, accattone, molto imbruttito,
Achille, raccattafieno,
Cambise, mulattiere,
Artaserse, schiumabrodo.
Nerone andava in giro a suonare la ghironda e Fierobraccio, suo valletto, gli faceva un mucchio di angherie e gli dava da mangiare pan bigio e vino guasto: mentre che lui mangiava e beveva del migliore.
Giulio Cesare e Pompeo ristoppano le barche vecchie,
Valentino e Orsone144 sono addetti alle Terme e fanno i massaggiatori,
Ziliante e Guevano145 fanno i porcari,
Goffredo dal Gran Dente lavora pietre focaie,
Goffredo di Buglione l'ho trovato che vendeva carte colorate,
Giasone faceva il fabbriciere,
Don Pedro di Castiglia, il robivecchi,
Morgante, il birraio,
Ugone di Bordeaux146, il bottaio,
Pirro, lo sguattero,
Antioco, lo spazzacamino,
Ottaviano, il raschiacarte,
Nerva, il palafreniere,
Papa Giulio, il venditore di brigidini, ma senza più quello spaventapasseri di barba di una volta147.
Giovanni di Parigi148 ingrassava gli stivali,
Arturo di Bretagna sgrassava i berretti,
Passaforeste149 faceva il portabigonce,
Bonifacio VIII schiumava marmitte,
Nicola III faceva il cartaro,
Papa Alessandro il piglia-topi,
Papa Sisto ungeva gli impestati».
«Ma come!» disse Pantagruele. «Ce n'è anche là?»
«Per Dio!» rispose Epistemone. «Non ne ho mai visti così tanti; ce ne saranno più di cento milioni; perché quelli che non l'hanno presa in questo mondo la prendono nell'altro».
«Corpo del diavolo!» disse Panurgo. «Allora io sono a posto perché ci sono stato dentro fino al buco di Gibilterra, ne ho avute piene le colonne d'Ercole, e più eran marce e più ci davo dentro!»
«Ogiero il Danese150» continuò Epistemone, «lustrava le corazze.
Re Tigrane racconciava i tetti,
Galieno Restaurato151 cacciava le talpe,
I quattro figli di Aimone facevano i cavadenti.
Papa Callisto, il tosapotte,
Papa Urbano, lo sbaffalardo,
Melusina, la sguattera,
Matabruna, la lavandaia,
Cleopatra, rivenditrice di cipolle,
Elena, sensale di fantesche,
Semiramide, spidocchiatrice di straccioni,
Didone, venditrice di prugnoli,
Pentesilea, di mazzetti di crescione,
Lucrezia faceva l'infermiera,
Ortensia, la filatrice,
Livia lucidava i rami da cucina,
«In questo modo si guadagnano la loro sporca e miserabile vita laggiù tutti quelli che furono gran signori in questo mondo. Al contrario, i filosofi e tutti quelli che furono indigenti nel mondo di qua, in quello di là fanno vita da nababbi.
«Ho visto Diogene che prelateggiava in pompa magna: avvolto in un mantello di porpora, con lo scettro in mano, strapazzava Alessandro il Grande perché gli aveva rammendato male le brache, e lo ripagava a suon di legnate.
«Ho visto Epitteto, vestito alla francese, elegantissimo, che se la spassava all'ombra di una pergola fra uno stuolo di damigelle, e là tutti in galloria ch'era un gioia guardarli. Accanto a lui c'era un mucchio di marenghi e, sotto il pergolato, il suo stemma dov'era scritto così:
Saltare, ballare, darsi bel tempo,
vin bianco e vin rosso da bere a talento,
far giorno di notte, far notte di giorno,
contare marenghi, non fare un corno.
«Appena mi vide mi invitò cortesemente a bere con lui, il che feci ben volentieri, e bevemmo teologalmente. Poi ci accorgemmo che c'era lì anche Ciro, venuto a mendicare un baiocco in nome di Mercurio per comprarsi un po' di cipolle per cena. "Niente, niente" disse Epitteto, "qui non si danno baiocchi. Tieni, poltrone, pigliati questo scudo e fa il bravo". Ciro non si aspettava una simile fortuna e se ne andò via tutto contento. Ma quei ribaldi di re che sono laggiù, come Alessandro, Mario e compagni, lo derubarono durante la notte.
«Pathelin152 faceva il tesoriere di Radamante. L'ho visto a una bancarella che contrattava mostaccioli con Papa Giulio. "Quanto la dozzina?". "Tre tornesi" disse il papa. "Bene, facciamo tre legnate" dice Pathelin. "Dà qua, buzzurro, e fila a prenderne degli altri!". Il povero papa se ne andò piangendo, e quando fu davanti al suo principale e gli disse l'accaduto si buscò una tal serqua di frustate che un fabbricante di cornamuse non avrebbe pagato un centesimo per la sua pelle.
«Vidi Mastro Giovanni Lemaire153 con l'anello piscatorio, il fanone e la tiara, che scimmiottava il papa, e si faceva baciare i piedi da tutti quei re miserabili e papi smessi di laggiù e dava loro la benedizione con gran prosopopea, dicendo: "Guadagnatevi le indulgenze, bricconi, guadagnatevele che vanno a buon mercato. Io vi assolvo dal pane e dalla zuppa e vi dispenso dal non valere una stringa". Poi convocò Quaglietta e Triboletto154, li nominò cardinali e disse loro: "Spedite le bolle a questi signori, id est un calcio nei coglioni ciascuno". Il che fu fatto immediatamente.
«Poi vidi Mastro Francesco Villon che chiedeva a Serse il prezzo di un misurino di mostarda. "Un denaro" disse Serse. E Villon: "La peste che ti colga, villanzone! Non lo sai che qui uno scudo val meno di un baiocco? Alziamo i prezzi, adesso?". E pisciò dentro il buzzo della mostarda come fanno i mostardieri di Parigi.
«Invece, il Francarciere de Bagnolet155 faceva l'inquisitore degli eretici. L'ho visto sorprendere Passaforeste che pisciava contro un muro su cui era dipinto il fuoco di Sant'Antonio. Per Dio! Lo ha dichiarato eretico e se non c'era Morgante ad ammansirlo con un proficiat di dodici barili di birra e altre piccole regalie, lo faceva bruciare vivo».
«Bene» disse Pantagruele. «Ma tutti questi bei racconti tienceli in serbo per un'altra volta. Adesso vorrei sapere come sono trattati gli usurai».
«Li ho visti, li ho visti» disse Epistemone. «Son tutti là che frugano nei rigagnoli delle strade alla cerca di spilli arrugginiti e di chiodi vecchi. Ma un quintale di quella roba vale sì e no una crosta di pane vecchio, e poi nessuno la compera. Così quei miserabili stanno a volte senza mangiare per più di tre settimane e lavorano giorno e notte nell'attesa di un altro giorno di fiera. Ma non ci fanno caso, tanto sono indaffarati e incanagliti nella speranza di guadagnare quattro schifosi baiocchi per la fine dell'anno».
«E noi adesso» disse Pantagruele, «faremo baldoria anche per loro. Ma beviamo sul serio, ragazzi, mi raccomando, perché questo è un mese che il bere va tutto in buona salute».
Così apparecchiarono bottiglie a dozzine e fecero allegra strage delle provvigioni del campo nemico. Ma il povero re Anarca, benché ci provasse, non riusciva nemmeno a sorridere. Per cui Panurgo disse: «Che lavoro gli facciamo fare a questo signor re, in modo che non si trovi senza mestiere quando se ne andrà a tutti i diavoli al mondo di là?»
«Giusto!» disse Pantagruele. «È un pensiero degno di te. Perciò fai tu come credi: io te lo regalo».
«Gran mercé» disse Panurgo. «Non è un dono che io possa rifiutare, se mi viene da voi».
CAPITOLO XXXI
Come Pantagruele entrò nella città degli Amauroti e come Panurgo diede moglie al re Anarca e lo nominò rivenditore di salsa verde
Dopo quella vittoria meravigliosa, Pantagruele inviò Carpalim alla città degli Amauroti perché annunciasse la cattura di re Anarca e la disfatta dei nemici. Udita una simile notizia, tutti gli abitanti della città uscirono incontro a Pantagruele, e in bel l'ordine, con pompa trionfale ed esultanza divina, lo condussero dentro la città. Là si accesero fuochi di gioia per ogni dove, si allestirono per le strade bellissime tavolate fornite d'ogni ben di Dio, e tanto si bevve e si mangiò che parevano tornati i bei tempi di Saturno, l'età dell'oro.
Ma Pantagruele, riunito il senato della città, tenne questo discorso:
«Signori, è buona regola, alla forgia come in guerra, battere il ferro fin che è caldo; perciò, prima di dissipare le nostre forze in festeggiamenti e baldorie, ho deciso di muovere all'attacco dell'intero reame dei Dipsodi. Pertanto, coloro che intendono seguirmi, si tengano pronti domani, dopo bevuto, a marciare con me. Non già che mi occorra molt'altra gente per vincere la partita, perché è come se l'avessi già vinta. Ma vedo questa città così fittamente popolata che ormai gli abitanti non riescono nemmeno più a rigirarsi per le strade; e dunque io li condurrò come colonia in Dipsodia e donerò loro tutta la contrada, che è bella, fertile e salubre più di ogni altro paese al mondo, come sanno quelli di voi che già la visitarono. Perciò chiunque voglia venirci si tenga pronto domani come ho detto».
La deliberazione fu subito divulgata per tutta la città e l'indomani nella piazza davanti al Palazzo si trovarono riunite un milione e ottocentocinquantaseimila e undici persone, escluse le donne e i bambini. Così si misero in marcia alla volta di Dipsodia, tanto bene ordinati e così volonterosi che parevano i figli di Israele quando partirono dall'Egitto per attraversare il Mar Rosso.
Ma prima di seguirli in questa impresa, io voglio raccontarvi come si condusse Panurgo nel decidere la sorte del re Anarca, suo prigioniero.
Ricordandosi di quel che aveva detto Epistemone di come stavano i re e i notabili di questo mondo giù ai Campi Elisi e come dovevano guadagnarsi da vivere con i più vili e sporchi mestieri, un giorno gli mise addosso un bel giubbetto di tela tutto frastagliato come la cornetta d'un Albanese; un bel paio di brache alla marinara – senza scarpe, perché, diceva, gli avrebbero rovinato la vista –; un berrettino color perso con una grande penna di cappone (o forse mi sbaglio, forse erano due) e una bella cintura di color verde e perso: «La divisa» disse, «che ti sta bene, perché sei stato perverso».
Così combinato, lo presentò a Pantagruele e domandò: «Conoscete questo scorzone?»
«No di certo» disse Pantagruele.
«È il signor re di tre cotte» disse Panurgo, «e io voglio farne un dabben uomo. Questi diavoli di re sono più stupidi di un vitello, non sanno niente e non sono buoni a nulla, salvo che a far danno ai poveri sudditi e a mettere il mondo sottosopra con i loro capricci e la loro detestabile mania di fare la guerra. Io voglio che questo qui si faccia un mestiere e lo nomino venditore ambulante di salsa verde. Su, da bravo, maestà, cominciamo: prova a gridare "Salsa verde, chi vuole salsa verde?"».
Il povero diavolo gridò.
«Troppo basso» disse Panurgo, e lo prese per un orecchio. «Più su, più alto, ecco, così, in chiave di sol. Per Dio! Lo vedi che hai una bellissima voce? Mai visto un uomo più felice di non essere più re!»
E Pantagruele ci si divertiva di gran cuore, perché, oso dire, era la miglior pasta di piccolo brav'uomo che si possa trovare da qui alla punta del mio bastone. E fu così che Anarca diventò un perfetto rivenditore di salsa verde.
Due giorni dopo, Panurgo gli diede in moglie una vecchia zambracca, e lui stesso organizzò il festino nuziale con belle teste di montone, braciole di maiale con mostarda e agliata in quantità; delle quali cose inviò a Pantagruele un carico di cinque some, ch'egli mangiò senza lasciarne un'oncia, trovando ch'era tutto molto appetitoso. Da bere fu servito terzanello fresco e beveraggio di sorbe, e per farli ballare fu affittato un cieco che gli suonava la solfa con la ghironda.
Dopo il festino, Panurgo li condusse a Palazzo per presentarli a Pantagruele, e mostrando la sposa, disse:
«Questa è garantito che non farà mai una scoreggia».
«E perché?» disse Pantagruele.
«Perché è tagliata come si deve».
«Che storia mi racconti?» disse ancora Pantagruele.
E Panurgo:
«Signore, ponete mente alle castagne. Se le mettete ad arrostire intere stridono e peteggiano all'arrabbiata. E perché non peteggino gli si apre una fessura nella buccia. Anche costei, benché sposa novella, è bene aperta di sotto. Perciò non peteggia: perché non può».
Nel congedare gli sposi, Pantagruele assegnò loro per viverci uno stambugio a piano terra e un piccolo mortaio di pietra per pestarci la salsa. Là stabilirono la loro dimora e lui diventò il più distinto rivenditore di salsa verde che mai si vedesse in Utopia. Ma poi mi hanno detto che la moglie lo batte come uno stoccafisso, e quel povero baggiano non osa nemmeno schermirsi, tanto è sciocco.
CAPITOLO XXXII
Come Pantagruele coprì tutta un'armata con la sua lingua e quello che vide l'autore dentro la sua bocca
Quando Pantagruele entrò con le sue schiere in Dipsodia, tutti i Dipsodi ne furono contenti e subito si arrendevano a lui consegnandogli spontaneamente le chiavi di ogni città dove andava. Soltanto gli Almirodi gli fecero resistenza e risposero agli araldi che non si sarebbero arresi se non a certe condizioni.
«Dev'essere gran brutta gente, questa» disse Pantagruele, «se chiede garanzie quando uno si presenta con il fiasco in una mano e il bicchiere nell'altra. Andiamo e mettiamoli a sacco».
Allora si misero in marcia, decisi ad andare all'assalto. Ma strada facendo, nel mezzo di una vasta campagna, furono sorpresi da un gran rovescio di pioggia, per cui cominciarono ad addossarsi l'un l'altro, ad agitarsi, a sbandarsi. Il che vedendo, Pantagruele fece dir loro dai capitani che era cosa da niente, che lui vedeva sopra le nuvole e che si trattava soltanto di un po' di rugiada; che a ogni buon fine si rimettessero in ordine e lui li avrebbe messi al riparo. Allora si ricomposero in ranghi ben serrati e Pantagruele, tirata fuori la lingua, ma soltanto a metà, li coprì tutti quanti come fa una chioccia con i pulcini.
Frattanto, io che vi racconto questa veridica storia, mi ero riparato sotto una foglia di lappola che non era men grande dell'arco del ponte di Mantrible156, ma quando li vidi così ben protetti volli andare anch'io là sotto con loro, il che non fu possibile da tanti che erano e, come si dice che «ogni tetto ha il suo difetto»157, ci stavano già stretti. E così mi toccò di arrampicarmi alla meglio e di camminare per più di due leghe su quella lingua fintanto che non entrai nella bocca.
Ma – oh dèi d'Olimpo, maschi e femmine! – che vidi io là? E che Giove mi incenerisca con la sua folgore trisulca se ci aggiungo una virgola del mio.
Sulle prime mi parve di essere capitato in Santa Sofia di Costantinopoli; poi vidi delle rocce gigantesche come le montagne dei Danesi (credo che fossero i denti); poi grandi praterie, grandi foreste, grandi e ben munite città come Lione e Poitiers.
Il primo che incontrai era un buon diavolo che piantava cavoli158. Meravigliato, gli chiesi:
«Amico, cosa fai qui?»
«Pianto cavoli» rispose.
«Come mai?» dissi io.
E lui:
«Per campare, mio caro signore. Non tutti possono avere coglioni pesanti come un mortaio, non tutti possono essere ricchi. Io questi cavoli li porto a vendere al mercato della città qui dietro e così mi guadagno da vivere».
«Gesù!» esclamai. «Ma questo è un nuovo mondo».
«Sì» disse lui, «ma non è mica nuovo. Invece dicono che fuori da qui c'è una nuova terra dove hanno il sole, la luna e un mucchio di belle faccende. Ma questo è più antico».
«Bene, amico mio. Ma come si chiama questa città dove porti a vendere i tuoi cavoli?»
«Si chiama Asfaràgos159. Son tutti buoni cristiani, brava gente, e vedrete che vi faranno una gran festa».
A farla breve, decisi di andarci.
Per via incontrai un tipo simpatico che tendeva le reti ai piccioni. «Amico» gli chiesi, «di dove vengono questi piccioni?» «Dall'altro mondo, signore».
Vuol dire, pensai, che quando Pantagruele sbadiglia, i colombi gli entrano in bocca a stormi, scambiandolo per una colombaia.
Poi entrai nella città, che trovai bella, ben munita e di aspetto accogliente. Ma alla porta le guardie mi chiesero il certificato di sanità. Meravigliato, domandai se vi fosse pericolo di peste.
«Oh, signore» risposero, «qua vicino ne muoiono tanti che la carretta dei morti corre su e giù di continuo».
«Ma dove, in nome di Dio?» domandai.
E appresi che questo accadeva a Faringia e Laringia, che sono due grosse città come Nantes e Rouen, piene di traffici e molto ricche; e che l'epidemia era dovuta a una fetida e pestifera esalazione uscita di recente dagli abissi, causando la morte di duecentomila e sedici persone in otto giorni. Allora, pensandoci bene e tirando le somme, trovai che certamente quel fiato pestilenziale era venuto su dallo stomaco di Pantagruele, nel mentre che digeriva quella gran quantità di agliata che ho detto sopra.
Partitomi di là, mi inoltrai fra montagne rocciose che, come già dubitavo, erano i denti, e tanto feci che di uno guadagnai la cima. Là mi pareva di essere arrivato al paese di Bengodi. C'erano giochi di pallacorda spaziosi e ben curati, gallerie mirabili, splendide praterie, vigne sterminate e una gran quantità di casini di campagna all'italiana, fra campi e giardini ricolmi di delizie. E là rimasi per ben quattro mesi godendomi la vita come non mai.
Poi discesi giù per i denti di dietro per avviarmi alla volta delle labbra; ma fui spogliato dai briganti nel bel mezzo di una foresta che si estendeva nella regione delle orecchie. Poi, un po' più a valle, mi trovai in una piccola borgata di cui non ricordo il nome, e anche qui non passai giorno senza baldoria e guadagnai persino un po' di soldi per tirare avanti. Ma sapete come? Facendo delle gran dormite. Perché lì ingaggiano la gente per farla dormire. Il salario è di cinque o sei soldi a giornata, ma quelli che russano più forte arrivano a sette soldi e mezzo. Io raccontai ai senatori come mi avevano derubato per via ed essi mi risposero che veramente da quelle parti erano tutti malviventi e briganti per natura. Onde compresi che, come noi abbiamo contrade di qua e contrade di là (dai monti), così anche loro le hanno di qua e di là, dai denti; ma io trovo che si vive meglio in quelle di qua e che l'aria è migliore.
E cominciai a rendermi conto di quanto sia vero quel che si dice, che la metà del mondo non sa come vive l'altra metà, tanto più che nessuno ancora aveva scritto nulla su quei paesi dove si trovano più di venticinque regni abitati, senza contare i deserti e un grande braccio di mare. Ma io ne ho composto un grosso volume intitolato Storia dei Gozzolesi, che ho chiamato così perché stanno sul gozzo del mio padrone Pantagruele.
Finalmente decisi di tornarmene. Discesi per la barba, raggiunsi le spalle e di là mi calai sino a terra cadendo davanti a lui.
Appena mi vide mi domandò:
«E tu di dove vieni, Alcofribas?»
«Dalla vostra gola, signore».
«E da quanto tempo eri là?»
«Da quanto voi muoveste contro gli Almirodi».
«Ma sono più di sei mesi. E di che campavi, cosa bevevi?»
«Bevevo e mangiavo come voi, signore. Mi prendevo il pedaggio dei bocconi migliori che passavano per la vostra gola».
«Capisco. Ma dove cacavi?»
«Sempre nella vostra gola, signore».
«Sei proprio un simpatico matto» concluse ridendo Pantagruele. «Noi, intanto abbiamo conquistato tutto il paese dei Dipsodi. A te ho destinato la Castellania di Santa Bottarga».
«Molte grazie, signore. In verità voi mi donate molto di più di quanto io non abbia meritato presso di voi».
CAPITOLO XXXIII
Come Pantagruele si ammalò e per che modo guarì
Qualche tempo dopo il buon Pantagruele cadde ammalato e soffriva tanto di stomaco che non poteva più né bere né mangiare; e poiché le disgrazie non vengono mai sole, gli prese un riscaldo di vescica che lo tormentava più di quanto non sapreste immaginare; ma i suoi medici lo curarono con tante e tali droghe lenitive e diuretiche che gli fecero pisciare egregiamente questo malanno. La sua orina era così calda che, da quella volta, non si è ancora raffreddata e, a seconda del corso che seguì, la si trova ancora oggi in luoghi diversi e lontani, chiamati Terme o Bagni Caldi.
In Francia:
A Cauterets,
A Limoux,
A Dax,
A Balaruc,
A Néris,
A Bourbon-Lancy e altrove;
In Italia:
A Monte Grotto,
Ad Abano,
A San Pietro Montagnone,
A Sant'Elena,
A Casanova,
A San Bartolomeo,
Alla Porretta nel contado di Bologna;
E in mille altre località.
E io mi stupisco sempre più che un branco di filosofi e medici pazzi continuino a disputare sulla provenienza del calore di quelle acque: se da borace o da zolfo o da allume o da salnitro, giacenti nelle viscere della terra. Essi non fanno che farneticare e tanto varrebbe che andassero a sgrommarsi il sedere con i cardi a cento teste invece di perdere tempo in diatribe su cose di cui non sanno. Perché la soluzione è semplice e non serve indagare oltre: quei bagni sono caldi perché originati dalle orine bollenti del buon Pantagruele.
A parte dunque questo tormento per il quale gli furono somministrati quattro quintali di scamonea colofonica, centrotrentotto carrettate di cassia, undicimilanovecento libbre di rabarbaro e non so che altri intrugli, dovete sapere che, per guarirlo dalla malattia più grave, i medici decretarono che bisognava cavargli da dentro ciò che gli cagionava il male allo stomaco. A tale scopo furono costruite sedici grandi sfere di rame, più grandi di quella che si vede in cima all'obelisco di Virgilio a Roma, così fatte che si potevano aprire e chiudere dall'interno mediante una molla. Nella prima entrò un suo domestico con una torcia accesa e una lanterna, e lui la mandò giù come una nocciolina; in cinque altre cinque robusti valletti con un piccone ciascuno; in altre tre presero posto tre zappaterra con un badile ad armacollo; nelle ultime sette altrettanti portaceste ciascuno con il suo corbello. E tutte furono ingoiate bellamente da Pantagruele come altrettante pillolette, una via l'altra.
Giunti nello stomaco e aperti gli abitacoli, tutti si misero al seguito di quello che aveva la lanterna e andarono così esplorando per più di mezza lega, tra gli scoscendimenti di una voragine orrenda, putrida e pestilenziale più di Mefitide, o della palude Camarina o del putrescente lago di Sorbona di cui scrive Strabone160. E se non fosse che essi avevano bene antidotato il cuore; lo stomaco e la brocca del vino denominata capoccia, sarebbero rimasti soffocati e uccisi da quei vapori abominevoli. Oh quali effluvi, quale ambrosia da aspergerne le bautte delle puttanelle smorfiose!
Poi, fiutando e brancicando, si avvicinarono alla materia fecale e agli umori corrotti, e finalmente si trovarono davanti a un vero e proprio bastione di lordura. Allora i picconieri si misero al lavoro per diroccarlo, gli altri con le pale ne riempirono i corbelli, e quando tutto fu pulito bene ognuno rientrò nella sua palla di rame. A questo punto Pantagruele si mise un dito in gola come si fa per vomitare e li restituì alla luce del mondo con grande facilità, perché, nella sua gola, quelle sedici palle facevano tanto ingombro quanto ne farebbe un peto nella vostra. Poi si aprirono le pillole e tutti ne sortirono allegramente (la qual cosa mi ricordava i Greci quando uscirono dal cavallo di Troia) e così fu vinta la malattia del mio padrone che, appena vomitato, entrò in convalescenza.
Di quelle pillole di rame se ne vede ancora una in cima al campanile della chiesa di Santa Croce.
CAPITOLO XXXIV
Dove si conclude il presente libro e l'autore si scusa
Ora, signori, avete udito un cominciamento dell'orrifica Istoria del mio signore e padrone Pantagruele. Qui porrò termine a questo primo libro; la testa mi duole un po' e sento che i registri del mio cervello sono alquanto ingarbugliati a causa di questo succo settembrino. Voi troverete il resto della storia alla prossima e ormai vicina fiera di Francoforte. E vedrete come Panurgo si ammogliò e fu cornuto fin dal primo mese delle sue nozze; e come Pantagruele scoprì la pietra filosofale e il modo di trovarla e servirsene; come passò le montagne Caspie161; come navigò il mare Atlantico e disfece i Cannibali e conquistò le isole di Perlas; come sposò la figlia del re delle Indie chiamato Prete Gianni; come combatté contro i diavoli e incendiò cinque camere dell'inferno e mise a sacco la grande camera nera, e gettò Proserpina nel fornello, e ruppe quattro denti a Lucifero e uno dei corni del culo; e come visitò le regioni lunari, per vedere se fosse vero che la luna non è intera e che i tre quarti mancanti si trovano nella testa delle donne; e mille altre piacevolezze, tutte belle e tutte vere né più né meno del Vangelo in francese.
Buonasera, signori, Pardonnante my162 e non pensate alle mie magagne più di quanto non pensiate alle vostre.
Se voi mi dite: «Maestro, sembrerebbe che non siate gran che saggio a scrivere tutte queste fanfaluche e piacevoli corbellerie» io vi rispondo che voi non lo siete più di me nel divertirvi a leggerle.
Tuttavia se per allegro passatempo le leggete come io per ammazzare il tempo le scrivo, sia io che voi siamo più meritevoli di perdono di una caterva di Sarabaiti163, bacchettoni, lumaconi, ipocriti, schiodacristi, bigotti, lime sorde, collitorti, e congreghe altrettali di pinzocheri e zoccolanti, che si travestono come le maschere a carnevale per buggerare il mondo.
Perché costoro, dando a credere ai semplici di non essere dediti ad altro che a far voti, digiuni, fioretti e macerazione della carne, salvo quel tanto che necessita a sostentare la misera fralezza della loro terrestre umanità, al contrario fanno baldoria come sol Dio sa.
Et Curios simulant, sed bacchanalia vivunt164,
come sta scritto in grandi e alluminate lettere sui loro musi screziati e vinolenti.
Quanto allo studio, esso è tutto rivolto alla lettura di libri pantagruelici, non già per passare il tempo in allegria, bensì per nuocere malignamente a qualcuno, inquisiculando, alamanacculando, torticollando, culeggiando, coglionettando e diaboliculando, cioè calunniando. E somigliano così agli accattoni di campagna che, in tempo di prugne e di ciliegie, rimestano la merda dei bambini alla ricerca di noccioli da vendere ai droghieri che ci fanno l'olio di Magaleppo.
Fuggite costoro, aborriteli, odiateli come faccio io e ve ne troverete bene, parola mia. E se volete vivere da buoni pantagruelisti, cioè in pace, in gioia e sanità, e darvi sempre bel tempo, non fidatevi mai di quelli che guardano da un pertugio.
Fine delle Cronache di Pantagruele, re dei Dipsodi,
restituito al naturale, con le sue gesta
e prodezze spaventevoli descritte
dal fu Mastro Acolfribas,
astrattore di Quinta
Essenza
NOTE
6 Il cielo delle stelle fisse, dal greco. Si allude alla pretesa scoperta di un astronomo arabo del IX secolo.
7 Quest'ultima frase traduce a senso un calembour non restituibile in italiano (et tous ceulx desquelz est escript: «Ne reminiscaris») giocato sul fatto che il ne latino e il nez francese si pronunciano allo stesso modo. In un antico testo burlesco francese intitolato Nomi di tutti i nasi, si ritrovano molti passi della sacra scrittura che cominciano per ne. Tra questi anche il Ne reminiscaris delicta nostra ecc. da un'antifona di Tobia. Si tratta dunque di una vecchia facezia.
8 È appena il caso di osservare che la lunga enumerazione dei Giganti è una parodia dell'inizio del Vangelo di San Matteo.
9 Bartachim è il nome storpiato del giureconsulto italiano Giovanni Bertacchino da Fermo. Si veda al Libro II, cap. X, che cosa Rabelais pensa di lui e di altri giureconsulti italiani del tempo.
10 V. supra, Libro II, cap. I.
11 Toro era chiamato, nelle bande svizzere, il suonatore di corno. Il personaggio cui si allude aveva giurato di inchiodare, cioè di rendere inutilizzabili con un chiodo nel focone, alcuni pezzi dell'artiglieria francese. Riuscì nell'impresa, ma venne ucciso dai lanzichenecchi.
12 Cfr. il Libro dei Re, XVII-XVIII. Jahvè, supplicato da Elia, lasciò la terra senza pioggia per tre anni.
13 Si credeva, con Sant'Agostino, che soltanto l'umidità dell'aria permettesse agli uccelli di volare.
14 Cioè disseccati, Ma questo epiteto non è usato da Omero, bensì da Plutarco nelle Dispute Conviviali, per applicarlo ai morti, in opposizione a quello di succulenti, che Omero applica ai vivi.
15 Empedocle. Cfr. Plutarco, De Placitis Philosophorum, III, 6.
16 Secondo una leggenda, la Via Lattea avrebbe guidato i primi pellegrini di San Giacomo di Compostella.
17 Lingua di alcuni antichi popoli dell'Arabia, chiamati Agareni perché discendenti da Ismaele, figlio di Abramo e di Agar sua concubina (Genesi, XVI 2, 4 e 15). Questa etimologia è un'invenzione burlesca di Rabelais: il vocabolo 'pantagruele' esisteva già molto prima nella letteratura francese e, come nome proprio, designava, in alcuni Misteri, un diavolo eccitatore della sete o un personaggio assetato. Come nome comune, designava un violento mal di gola, una specie di angina che soffoca e impedisce di parlare.
18 Lasciami bestemmiare.
19 Non è a proposito dei Salmi, bensì del Deuteronomio che il famoso teologo ed esegeta Nicola de Lira si prende gioco dei chiosatori ebrei, secondo i quali questo re Og avrebbe misurato trenta cubiti di altezza.
20 Chantelle è una piccola città del Borbonese che possedeva un arsenale rinomatissimo dove si fabbricavano enormi balestre.
21 Sede universitaria celebratissima a quei tempi.
22 La prima delle quattro grandi caverne scavate sulla riva destra del Clain, presso Poitiers. Alle matricole di allora veniva imposto come iniziazione di passare per questa caverna attraverso un foro scavato nella roccia sull'orlo di un precipizio.
23 Pari a circa 24 m di superficie e tre metri e mezzo di spessore.
24 La Pierre Levée esiste ancora: è un dolmen molto più piccolo di quanto non dica Rabelais e si trova sulla strada che va da Saint-Saturnin a Vadouzil.
25 Croutelle è una borgata presso Poitiers. Vi sono sorgenti d'acqua limpidissima. Si ignora a quale di esse abbia inteso riferirsi Rabelais.
26 A causa di una zanna che gli sporgeva dalla bocca. Morì nel 1248 dopo una vita di violenze e di misfatti. La leggenda fece di lui il figlio della fata Melusina, metà donna e metà serpente. Nel 1233 bruciò l'Abbazia di Maillezais e, costretto dal Papa a ricostruirla, costrinse i monaci a porre la sua effige sul portico d'ingresso.
27 Nell'Abbazia di Maillezais Rabelais stette parecchi anni come monaco. Questo passo è ricco di riferimenti personali. A Ligugé Goffredo d'Estissac, vescovo di Maillezais, aveva costruito un magnifico castello nel quale diede rifugio a Rabelais – Ardillon era abate di Fontenay-le-Comte: uno degli umanisti del Poitou, amico e spesso ospite del vescovo di Maillezais. Fontenay-le-Comte era una delle più importanti città del Poitou. Là, in un convento di Cordiglieri, Rabelais compì il monacato e là conobbe il celebre Tiraqueau che tanta parte doveva avere nella sua vita e nelle sue fortune.
28 Orazio, Arte Poetica, 9-10.
29 Si allude qui al supplizio di Giovanni Cahors, professore di Diritto, condannato al rogo e bruciato vivo nel giugno del 1532, per aver tenuto discorsi sospetti di eresia luterana durante una cena. L'università di Tolosa, fondata dopo la crociata contro gli Albigesi, era assai poco liberale in materia di fede. Altri umanisti furono vittime della intolleranza tolosana.
30 Viceversa fu proprio a Montpellier che Rabelais studiò medicina, conseguendovi titoli accademici e lasciandovi ricordi leggendari.
31 Allusione a un sotterraneo che passava sotto la chiesa di San Pietro nel sobborgo di Valenza.
32 Tre passi dal Rodano alla Loira e un salto per passare il fiume?
33 La coda lunga del cappuccio, segno di distinzione dottorale.
34 Cosi i latini chiamavano la Senna. In linguaggio normale, tutta la battuta che segue suonerebbe all'incirca così: «Noi attraversiamo la Senna mattina e sera, gironzoliamo per le strade della città, parliamo il fior fiore della lingua latina e simpatizziamo con il sesso gentile. Certi giorni ispezioniamo i lupanari e mandiamo su il cazzo per le profondissime fiche di quelle socievolissime meretrici. Poi, nelle benemerite taverne della Pigna, del Castello, della Maddalena, della Mula, banchettiamo con bellissime spalle di montone lardellate di prezzemolo, e se per mala fortuna siamo a corto di quattrini e nelle nostre tasche non c'è più nemmeno un baiocco, lasciamo in pegno con grande dignità i nostri libri e i nostri mantelli e facciamo scongiuri perché i portalettere si sbrighino a portarci un po' di soldi da casa. Tutto qui».
35 «Signornò, perché io, fin dalle prime luci del giorno mi reco in una qualche bellissima chiesa e là mi aspergo di abbondanti acque lustrali, mastico un qualche rimasuglio di orazioni della messa e mormorando le mie preghiere canoniche, imbianco e purifico l'anima mia dalle contaminazioni notturne. Inoltre, rispetto gli dèi, venero profondamente l'onnipotente Signore dei Cieli, amo e riamo il mio prossimo, osservo i dieci comandamenti e per quanto mi è consentito dalle mie forze non me ne discosto di un'unghia. Ma è purtroppo vero che, non degnandosi Mammone di versare una goccia del suo nelle mie tasche, mi trovo ad essere scarso nel fare l'elemosina a quei poverelli che vanno questuando di porta in porta».
36 Mi sforzo.
37 Onde locupletarla ecc., onde arricchirla con le chiome della ridondanza lalina.
38 Santissimo, dal greco agiòtatos.
39 Allusione all'etimologia del nome Pantagruele, v. supra, Libro II, cap. II.
40 Secondo una tradizione popolare, Orlando, a Roncisvalle, morì di sete.
41 Il cimitero degli Innocenti era il più antico della città, ed essendo sovraffollato, i resti dei morti venivano dissotterrati e stivati sotto un porticato dove si veniva a passeggiare, e dove convenivano, numerosi, gli straccioni.
42 Pobabile allusione a un tale Des Orbeaux, dotto francescano che insegnava a Poitiers alla fine del XV secolo.
43 Mastro Arduino, teologo di Colonia, nemico di Erasmo e bersaglio abituale degli strali degli umanisti.
44 A Parigi, i frati domenicani fondarono il loro primo convento nella via San Giacomo, perciò vennero chiamati giacobini o jacopini. Silvestrem Prieratem Jacospinum, cioè Silvestro da Priero Jacopino, aveva composto una summa dei casi di coscienza e un'apologia delle indulgenze.
45 Si tratta del «Pasquino», il famoso frammento romano di statua antica, recapito tradizionale di epigrammi anonimi.
46 Gioco di parole tratto dal gergo della mala: Santa Croce era anche una moneta con impressavi una croce.
47 In questa stoccata contro Accursio (v. supra, Libro II, cap. V) si riflette il disprezzo degli umanisti per i glossatori medievali che commentavano le Pandette nell'ignoranza della lingua greca.
48 I francarcieri, antica milizia francese, avevano fama di grande poltroneria.
49 Guardianuvole, traduce liberamente Franctopinus, cioè Franc-taupin, che era il soprannome dei francs-archers. Tevot era il nome di uno smargiasso nelle commedie del tempo.
50 Allusione alla inutilità dell'invasione della Provenza da parte di Antonio de Leva, generale di Carlo V.
51 Gioco di parole a proposito del mercato delle indulgenze (emulgenze da emungere, mungere, in luogo di indulgenze)
52 Gioco di parole: manducanti per mendicanti, i frati questuanti.
53 Stefano Brulefer, cordigliere, dottore in Teologia della facoltà di Parigi, il più autorevole rappresentante dello scotismo in Francia e perciò detestato dagli umanisti. Ma il titolo della sua presunta opera, più che lungimirante, appare oggi addirittura profetico.
54 Magistronostrandi e magistronostrati: così erano chiamati rispettivamente gli addottorandi e gli addottorati in teologia.
55 Eccium, storpiatura del nome del Mastro Jean Eck, avversario di Lutero.
56 Nel testo «Millesoldiers». Così erano chiamati i minorati di guerra ai quali si elargiva una pensione di 1000 soldi. La loro pitoccheria era proverbiale.
57 Storpiatura oltraggiosa: sta per frati mendicanti o monaci in generale.
58 Specie di lumaca che frigge quando butta la bava.
59 Moralizzazione della berretta dottorale sorbonica, di Mastro Leopoldo.
60 In francese nel testo, con un gioco di parole intraducibile fra éveques portatifs (vescovi in partibus) e éveques potatifs, cioè bevitori.
61 Allusione alle polemiche fra l'umanista Reuchlin e i teologi conservatori di Colonia che propugnavano la distruzione dei libri ebraici.
62 Nel testo «Les Henilles»; parola sconosciuta.
63 Nell'inferno dei Misteri francesi del Medioevo figuravano i cannoni. Erasmo, in un suo adagio, chiamava le bombarde macchine tartaree. L'Ariosto aveva scritto: «Oh maledetto, oh abbominoso ordigno / che fabbricato nel tartareo fondo / fosti per man di Belzebù maligno, / che ruinar per te designò il mondo».
64 Filosofo e teologo catalano (m. 1315), autore fra l'altro di un sistema logico, Ars compendiosa inveniendi veritatem o Ars magna.
65 «Che Dio vi conceda felicità e ricchezza, signore. Innanzitutto, mio caro signore, sappiate che quello che mi chiedete è cosa triste e penosa, e vi sarebbero da dire al riguardo molte cose tediose per chi le narra e per chi le ascolta, ancorché poeti ed oratori dei tempi andati, nei loro adagi e nelle loro sentenze, abbiano detto che il ricordo dell'indigenza e delle avversità è una gioia dell'anima».
66 Linguaggio di pura invenzione.
67 In lingua scozzese alquanto inquinata: «Signore, se siete così forte di intelligenza come di corporatura, dovete avere pietà di me, poiché la natura ci ha fatti eguali, ma la fortuna innalza certuni, altri inabissa. Spesso la virtù è tenuta a vile e gli uomini virtuosi sono disprezzati, e prima che non sia morto nessuno è buono».
68 In lingua basca: «Gran signore, a tutti i mali occorre un rimedio, ma quel che è difficile è comportarsi come si deve. Io vi ho tanto pregato. Mettiamo un po' di ordine nei nostri discorsi; a tal fine, sia detto senza offesa, fatemi portare qualcosa onde saziarmi. E dopo chiedetemi quel che volete. Non vi sarà di peso spendere anche per due, a Dio piacendo».
69 Dio, in lingua basca.
70 Linguaggio di fantasia.
71 L'avvocato Pathelin, protagonista della farsa omonima scritta da un ignoto francese verso la fine del Quattrocento.
72 «Signore, io non parlo lingua che non sia cristiana. Mi pare tuttavia che gli stracci che ho addosso dicano chiaro ciò che desidero. Siate tanto caritatevole da darmi da mangiare».
73 «Signore, sono stanco di tanto parlare, perciò supplico Vostra Reverenza di considerare i precetti evangelici a ciò che essi muovano Vostra Reverenza ad operare secondo che la coscienza detta; e quando essi non bastassero a muoverla a pietà, c'è pur sempre una pietà naturale che io credo la commuoverà come di ragione. E più di questo non dico».
74 In danese: «Anche se io non parlassi alcuna lingua, come i bimbi e le bestie, il vestito e la magrezza della mia carcassa direbbero chiaramente ciò che mi abbisogna, cioè mangiare e bere: abbiate dunque pietà e fatemi dare di che placare i latrati del mio stomaco, così come si mette una zuppa davanti a Cerbero».
75 In ebraico: «Signore, la pace sia con voi. Se volete il bene del vostro servitore, datemi subito un tozzo di pane secondo il precetto: è dato a Dio ciò che è dato al povero».
76 In greco: «Mio ottimo signore, perché non mi date del pane? Voi mi vedete penare miseramente di fame e tuttavia siete senza pietà per me, poiché mi chiedete cose fuor di proposito. Eppure tutti i filologi ammettono unanimemente che quando i fatti sono evidenti le parole sono superflue; i discorsi sono necessari solo quando le cose di cui si discute non si appalesano chiaramente».
77 Linguaggio di fantasia.
78 «Già tante volte vi ho scongiurato per le cose sacre, per tutti gli dèi e le dee che, se pietà alcuna vi muove, soccorriate alla mia miseria; ma nulla ottengo con grida e lamenti. Lasciate, vi prego, lasciate, uomini empi, che io me ne vada dove i fati mi chiamano, né m'infastidite più oltre con le vostre vane domande, memori del vecchio adagio: ventre affamato orecchie non ha». Questa la risposta in latino che, visto il suo impegno negli studi, Pantagruele avrebbe dovuto capire benissimo. Ma il realismo di Rabelais non ha molto a che fare con il principio di verisimiglianza.
79 Mitilene fu assediata nel 1502 dai Francesi per compiacere il Papa che voleva celebrare il suo giubileo con una piccola crociata. Ma l'assedio fallì e alcuni prigionieri rimasero nelle mani dei Turchi.
80 È un'altra stoccata ai legisti chiosatori, specie italiani.
81 Bartolomeo Cipolla, veronese, ebbe fama per una vasta raccolta di consigli, cavilli, espedienti per eludere la legge, da lui intitolata Cautelae Juris utilissimae, quibus advocati et procuratores suis clientis in omni strepitu iudiciorum facile subvenire possunt.
82 Errore: Pomponio e non Ulpiano.
83 «...et en usent comme un crucifix d'un pifre». Questa frase, scomparsa dopo le prime edizioni, è stata variamente interpretata. Fra le interpretazioni possibili ho scelto la più insolente, come quella che maggiormente giustifica l'autocensura dell'autore.
84 Tito Livio, Storia romana, lib. XXI, 4, § 1.
85 Famoso accattone del XVI secolo.
86 Dove Lautrec fu battuto dagli imperiali il 29 aprile 1522.
87 Uno dei giochi di Gargantua (cfr. Gargantua, cap. XXII), qui in luogo di pille, nade, jocque fore, compreso anch'esso nell'elenco di cui al detto cap. XXII, dove figura tradotto con piglia, nada, ioca, fora.
88 Opera in versi di un famoso retore, Giovanni Meschinot, stampata la prima volta nel 1453.
89 Tmesi per: in verbo sacerdotis.
90 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XXXV (nota 103).
91 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XLIX (nota 140).
92 Tutto, fino alla fine.
93 Uno dei nove modi della prima figura del sillogismo.
94 Tutte leggi ritenute di difficile interpretazione: la loro lista figurava in testa a tutte le edizioni del Digesto.
95 Cioè per seicentocinquanta anni.
96 Secondo alcuni Santi Padri, gli uomini sarebbero stati creati per sostituire gli angeli ribelli, per cui, come spiega Sant'Anselmo, «completata la sostituzione, cesserà la generazione degli uomini».
97 Nicolò da Cusa, che aveva fissato la fine del mondo al 34° giubileo dopo Cristo, ossia nell'anno 1700.
98 Nell'Icaromenippo di Luciano, il filosofo protagonista, arrivato sulla luna, vi incontra Empedocle che vi era stato lanciato dai vapori dell'Etna, nel cui cratere egli si era buttato.
99 Gli antichi credevano che i raggi della luna facessero freddo e così cagionassero i catarri.
100 È stato osservato che il medico Rabelais, per solito così minuzioso in descrizioni del genere, questa volta ha dimenticato i polmoni.
101 Giovanni Murmel fu professore di belle lettere e autore di vari trattati filologici ed educativi. R. lo sbeffeggia attribuendogli questa Apologia da burla.
102 «Ma dove son le nevi dell'altr'anno?» trattandosi di una citazione, non ho creduto di dover tradurre questo bellissimo e famosissimo verso di Villon: anche per non guastarlo.
103 Luogo di svago o casino di campagna.
104 È la definizione della ferita data da Ippocrate: vulnus est salutio continui.
105 Latino bastardo del gergo scolastico: «E da che si deduce?».
106 Allusione al racconto della bisaccia narrato da Esopo.
107 Tutte sostanze esalanti un orribile fetore.
108 I dottori avevano un locale riservato, delimitato da un graticcio da dietro il quale ascoltavano gli scolari esaminandi.
109 Pierre d'Ailly, cancelliere dell'università, vescovo e cardinale.
110 O trichite, allume che si presenta in filamenti bianchi e lucenti come cristalli, con frange molto simili alle barbe delle piume. Alcuni lo confusero con l'amianto (v. Libro III, cap. LII) e lo ritennero incombustibile. Qui gli è attribuita una proprietà pruriginosa della quale nessuno ha mai parlato.
111 Formula di ringraziamento (Grates vobis do = Vi rendo grazie) corrotta con un finale maccheronico (Grates vobis dominos = Grazie, signori).
112 Detto per irrisione ai giuristi che citavano il Bartolo a proposito e a sproposito.
113 I filosofi nudi, monaci adepti della filosofia brahmanica.
114 Rabelais attribuisce ad Eraclito una sentenza che gli antichi attribuivano a Democrito.
115 Libro sconosciuto di autore altrettanto sconosciuto.
116 Nessun libro del genere risulta essere stato scritto dal poeta giambico Ipponace o Ipponatte.
117 Il primo epiteto e i tre ultimi della serie, sinonimi rispettivamente di ubriacone, tracotante manesco e spione, sostituiscono altrettali giochi di parole intesi al dileggio dei dottori della Sorbona, mal restituibili in italiano.
118 Ed ecco qui un uomo che è da più di Salomone (Matteo, XII, 42).
119 Su questa disputa senza parole, Janunculus (op. cit.) annota fra l'altro: «Ma, senza risalire alla Storia dei quaranta visir o ai Racconti Tomil, si può ritenere che la fonte dell'aneddoto rabelaisiano si trovi in una glossa di Accursio al Digesto, libro I, titolo II, Dell'origine del diritto, fram. 4 – Ivi Pomponio, parlando dell'origine della legge delle Dodici Tavole, dice che i Romani, desiderando avere buone leggi, ne richiesero i Greci. Ed Accursio aggiunge nella glossa: "Prima di aderire alla richiesta, i Greci mandarono a Roma un filosofo perché esaminasse se i Romani ne fossero degni. I Romani, dopo aver macchinato sul da fare, delegarono a disputare col Greco un pazzo, per potere, in caso di sconfitta, volgere in burla la faccenda. Il filosofo greco, probabilmente per la inscienza della lingua latina, si mise a disputare per gesti, ed alzò un dito per significare che Dio è uno. Il pazzo, credendo che fosse la minaccia di crepargli un occhio, tese due dita ed il pollice quasi volesse creparli tutti e due all'avversario. Il Greco vide in queste tre dita il simbolo della Trinità, ed aprì allora tutta la mano per significare che ogni cosa è manifesta a Dio. Il pazzo, interpretando questo gesto come la minaccia di un ganascione, distese il pugno chiuso quasi a minacciare alla sua volta. Il Greco credette che ciò significasse che Dio tiene chiuse tutte le cose nel suo pugno, e giudicando i Romani degni delle leggi, si ritirò e le fece loro accordare da Atene". Questa storiella venne poi ripetuta ed ampliata da vari scrittori anteriori o contemporanei di Rabelais; e non poteva essere da lui ignorata, perché il Budé – di cui egli era fervente ammiratore l'aveva addotta come esempio della 'ignoranza accursiana', rilevando lo sciocco anacronismo di una discussione sulla Trinità quattro secoli e mezzo prima della venuta di Cristo. Però, dove che gli altri autori hanno mantenuto l'equivoco della interpretazione dei gesti da parte dei due avversari, facendo in esso appunto consistere l'effetto comico, Rabelais, invece, fa una minuta esposizione di lazzi volgari e sbeffeggiamenti osceni, ma si guarda bene, poi, dal darne una spiegazione".
120 Che è un modo tutto rabelaisiano di mandare ogni tanto anche il lettore a quel paese.
121 Qui nel senso insolente di Sacra Rappresentazione.
122 Cioè la Bièvre, che attraversava appunto il recinto della Scuola Teologica di San Vittore.
123 Per un paio di secoli si è continuato ad attribuire il successo della tintoria dei Gobelin a proprietà misteriose delle acque della Bièvre. L'urina (umana e non di cane) era usata in tintoria per il suo contenuto di ammoniaca.
124 La turpe beffa narrata in questo capitolo non è invenzione di Rabelais. Se ne parla in un manoscritto della prima metà del XVI secolo: «Per fare che i cani piscino addosso a qualche uomo o a qualche donna, prendi lo spurgo della vulva di una cagna in calore ed ungine le vesti». Cfr. «Revue des Études rabelaisiennes», anno II, p. 225.
125 Così nelle prime edizioni. In quella del 1537, Enoch ed Elia sono già sostituiti da Ogiero ed Artù. Autocensure del genere non sono infrequenti in Rabelais e rispecchiano ovviamente le sue preoccupazioni 'politiche' nei vari momenti della sua vita. Le edizioni francesi più recenti e autorevoli (la Pléiade ad esempio) a differenza della presente traduzione, avallano generalmente tali autocensure, limitandosi a richiamare in nota il testo originario.
126 Secondo Aulo Gellio (XVII, 9) i Lacedemoni, per trasmettere messaggi segreti, li scrivevano dall'alto in basso su di un nastro avvolto a spirale su di un bastone. Il destinatario, per decifrarli, doveva riavvolgere il nastro su di un bastone uguale a quello usato dal mittente.
127 Non c'è nel testo l'espresso riferimento al Cristo crocefisso. Ma suppongo che il pubblico cui si rivolgeva Rabelais non avesse bisogno di una nota esplicativa per afferrare a volo l'allusione. Così, in questo caso (come in pochi altri dove ciò era possibile senza grave alterazione dell'insieme), ho creduto lecito ed opportuno inserire nel testo l'informazione necessaria, anziché rinviare il lettore alle note in calce.
128 Nel testo, «me prelasser par les bandes». Letteralmente, gironzolare fra i reparti con aria da prelato: versione macchinosa qui sostituita con una vanteria equivalente e anche più blasfema, come il personaggio consente.
129 Zopiro, devotissimo a Dario, per penetrare in Babilonia, città assediata dal suo Re, si tagliò il naso e le orecchie, per fingersi scacciato dai suoi.
130 Il famoso simulatore greco che indusse alla rovina i Troiani.
131 Pacolet, nome di un nano nel romanzo Istoria dei due nobili e valenti cavalieri, Valentino ed Orsone, nipoti del re Pipino. Da quel bravo negromante che era, aveva costruito un cavallo di legno che volava per l'aria come un uccello. Qui il suo nome è attribuito al cavallo.
132 Reminiscenza virgiliana (Eneide, VII, vv. 125-129, nella versione di Annibal Caro), dove di Camilla si dice che
Era fiera in battaglia e lieve al corso
tanto che quasi un vento sopra l'erba
correndo, non avrebbe anco de' fiori
tocco, né dell'ariste il sommo appena.
133 Nel testo, aironi, che, a quanto ne so, non sono commestibili. Per cui non dubito che Rabelais approverebbe l'emendamento.
134 Piccioni selvatici.
135 Né Erodoto né Pompeo Trogo (storico latino del I secolo d.C.) hanno dato le cifre citate da Rabelais. Secondo Erodoto, l'esercito di Serse comprendeva circa 700000 fanti, secondo Pompeo Trogo circa un milione.
136 Si irride qui a certe teorie della fisica scolastica che ravvisavano nei mutamenti di stato dell'aria dovuti ad esalazioni mefitiche delle vere e proprie metamorfosi dalle quali nascevano piccoli animali.
137 Il mito della guerra perpetua dei nani contro le cicogne o le gru è antichissimo. Cfr. Omero, Iliade, III, 37; Aristotele, Storia degli animali, VIII, 12, e Plinio, IV, 2.
138 Una orrenda mistura di sostanze venefiche, caustiche e purgative bastante a mettere fuori combattimento chiunque ne ingoiasse una minima porzione.
139 Si tratta di miscele o eiettuari variamente medicamentosi: il lithontripon per il mal della pietra, il nefrocatartichon per la purga dei reni, ambedue descritti nell'Antidotario della Scuola Salernitana. Le proprietà diuretiche della cantaride erano state indicate fin dall'antichità (Ippo
crate, Galeno, Dioscoride) ed anche la sua virtù afrodisiaca era nota ai tempi di Rabelais.
140 A proposito di Mattutino e grattacoglioni, val forse la pena di richiamare, a contrasto, i versi di Dante (Par., X, 139-145): «Indi, come orologio che ne chiami / nell'ora che la sposa di Dio surge / a mattinar la sposo perché l'ami, / che l'una parte e l'altra tira ed urge, / tin tin sonando con sì dolce nota, / che 'l ben disposto spirto d'amor turge...».
141 Ricorda l'etimologia di Pantagruele, spiegata al Libro II, cap. II.
142 Acciaio dei Calibi, popolo dell'Asia Minore, famoso nell'antichità per l'estrazione del ferro.
143 La cosiddetta 'tour de beurre' era stata costruita da poco col denaro offerto dai fedeli per conseguire il privilegio di consumare burro in quaresima, e andò a rimpiazzare un'altra torre crollata all'inizio del XVI secolo.
144 Eroi di un romanzo di cavalleria.
145 Eroi del ciclo bretone.
146 Famoso paladino di Francia.
147 Questo papa pare sia stato il primo a portare la barba. Se la strappò e tagliò alla notizia che i Francesi avevano ripreso Brescia ribellatasi. Se la fece ricrescere, poi di nuovo se la tagliò a causa della vittoria di Gastone di Foix, a Ravenna.
148 Eroe di un romanzo popolare.
149 Così chiamato per aver osato traversare una foresta incantata, è l'eroe di un romanzo cavalleresco.
150 Eroe del ciclo carolingio.
151 Cavaliere spagnolo le cui vitiorie dovevano restaurare la cavalleria decaduta in seguito alla disfatta di Roncisvalle.
152 V. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XX e Libro III, cap. XXX.
153 Famoso umanista francese contemporaneo di Rabelais, autore fra l'altro di un Trattato dei diversi scismi e concilii della Chiesa latina e della preminenza ed utilità dei concilii della santa Chiesa anglicana.
154 Famosi buffoni di corte. Al secondo si ispirò il Rigoletto verdiano.
155 Protagonista di una celebre farsa del Quattrocento.
156 Ponte leggendario del romanzo di Fierobraccio.
157 Nel testo, «Au bout de l'aulne fault le drap»: un proverbio del quale non ho trovato, e credo che non esista, il corrispondente italiano.
158 L'idea di un viaggio dentro una bocca gigantesca appartiene alla tradizione popolare, mentre questo particolare fu suggerito forse a Rabelais da un racconto di Luciano (Una storia vera, I, 33), dove, nel ventre di una balena, alcuni ortolani sono intenti a coltivare legumi.
159 Cioè gola, dal greco.
160 Il nome della Sorbona è dovuto notoriamente al suo fondatore Roberto di Sorbona. Ma gli umanisti, a scherno dei teologi, gli attribuirono le più diverse origini. Erasmo, nel Convito profano, lo faceva derivare da sorbendo. Budé, in una lettera a Erasmo, diceva che la Sorbona doveva chiamarsi Serbona, dalla palude omonima, che Strabone menziona confondendola con il lago di Sodoma. Rabelais tien conto di tutto questo e si spinge più in là, identificando addirittura la Sorbona con lo stagno di Serbona e citando Strabone in appoggio.
161 Come dire i confini del mondo conosciuto.
162 Così nel testo.
163 Sarabaiti, o Sarraboviti, erano certi monaci egiziani, detti anche Girovaghi, i quali erano usciti dai conventi per vivere in libertà, licenziosamente. Ne parlano Cassiano e San Girolamo.
164 Si fingono austeri come Curio, ma loro vita non è che un baccanale.
IL TERZO LIBRO
DEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI
DEL NOBILE PANTAGRUELE
Composto da Mastro Francesco Rabelais dottore in medicina e Calogero1 delle isole Hyères
L'Autore supplica i benevoli lettori di non cominciare a ridere fino al settantottesimo libro
1 Nel testo delle prime edizioni c'era il titolo «calloier des isles Hyères»: «calloier»: parola sulla cui presunta derivazione dal greco si danno diverse ipotesi. Probabilmente sta per beau-père (appellativo usato pei monaci in Francia) o comunque per titolo onorifico, religioso o laico che sia, giocosamente assunto dall'autore. Nelle Isole Hyères, presso Tolone, Rabelais era stato alcun tempo per raccogliervi erbe medicinali.
FRANCESCO RABELAIS
allo spirito della Regina di Navarra
Tu che nei cieli onde nascesti stai,
Spirito Astratto in estasi rapito,
E il corpo tuo, fedele ospite e amico,
Sopra la terra abbandonato hai,
Sì che fra noi si sta smarrito e strano,
Insensibile a ogni invito umano;
Tu che in perenne rapimento vivi,
Assorto nei pensier contemplativi,
Non potresti una volta, di lassù,
Scender fra noi mortali di quaggiù,
A veder se ti piace il terzo tomo
del padron mio, Pantagruele il buono?
PROLOGO DELL'AUTORE
Signor Francesco Rabelais
Per il Terzo Libro dei fatti e detti eroici del buon Pantagruele
O buona gente, bevitori illustrissimi e gottosi preziosissimi1, avete mai visto Diogene, il filosofo cinico? Se lo avete veduto – e io non son fuoriuscito di logica e di senno – vuol dire che non avevate perso la vista. Gran bella cosa è vedere la luce del sole nel vino e negli scudi2! E me ne appello a quel cieco famoso della sacratissima Bibbia, il quale, avendo avuto, per comandamento di Colui che tutto può e il cui verbo si traduce in atto all'istante, la facoltà di chiedere tutto ciò che voleva, altro non chiese che di poter vedere.
Anche voi cominciate a essere avanti con gli anni: qualità imprescindibile per filosofare in vino e non invano, anzi con metafisico rigore, e far parte oramai del Consiglio di Bacco, per discettare, sorseggiando, della sostanza, colore, eccellenza, eminenza, proprietà, facoltà, virtù, effetti e dignità del benedetto e desiato vino.
Se poi, come mi par probabile, non l'avete visto (Diogene, dico), voglio credere che avrete udito parlare di lui, giacché l'aria e lo spazio di questi nostri cieli risuonano tuttavia della sua fama e del suo nome, celebrati ancor oggi e memorabili. E poi, se non m'inganno, non siete tutti voi di sangue frigio? Per cui, se anche non avete tutta la ricchezza di re Mida, avete certamente di lui quel non so cosa che un tempo i Persiani massimamente apprezzavano nei loro otacusti, ovverossia spioni3 e che tanto piaceva all'Imperatore Antonino4; ond'è che in seguito la serpentina di Rohan fu soprannominata Bellorecchia5.
E se nemmeno ne udiste parlare, io voglio adesso raccontarvi una storia di lui, tanto per porre mano al vino e all'argomento. Dunque bevete e aprite bene le orecchie. Sappiate però fin da ora (affinché nessuno approfitti della vostra ignoranza per infinocchiarvi come sciocchi miscredenti) ch'egli fu ai suoi tempi un filosofo raro il più allegro fra mille. E se aveva qualche difetto, anche voi ne avete, tutti ne abbiamo tranne Dio. Ma pensate che Alessandro il Grande, che pure aveva Aristotele per precettore e familiare, lo teneva in tale considerazione che, se non gli fosse toccato di essere Alessandro, avrebbe scelto, diceva, di essere Diogene sinopense.
Sappiate dunque che quando Filippo re di Macedonia si apprestava ad assediare e distruggere Corinto, i Corinzî, avendo appreso dagli esploratori che egli avanzava con grande apparato di macchine da guerra e un esercito che non finiva mai, furono presi con ragione da grande spavento, e tutti si misero all'opera senza farsi pregare per prepararsi a reggere l'assalto e difendere la città.
Gli uni sgombravano dai campi i loro beni (masserizie, bestiame, granaglie, vino, frutta, vettovaglie, munizioni) per riporli al sicuro in fortezza,
altri fortificavano muraglie,
costruivano bastioni,
squadravano rivellini,
riempivano gabbioni,
riattavano piattaforme,
scavavano trincee,
coprivano camminamenti,
alzavano terrapieni,
riparavano controscarpe,
ispessivano cortine,
costruivano garitte,
puntellavano parapetti,
apprestavano feritoie,
riaprivano caditoie,
rinnovavano saracinesche,
appostavano sentinelle,
spedivano pattuglie.
Tutti stavano all'erta e ognuno portava il suo fardello.
Gli uni forbivano corsaletti, lustravano corazze, ripulivano barbute, frontali, usberghi, brigantine, celate, baviere, cappelline, bipenni, elmi, morioni, cotte di maglia, ghiazzerini, bracciali, cosciali, gheroni, pettorali, gorgiere, scudi, calzari, gambiere, solerette, speroni.
Altri apprestavano archi, fionde, balestre, ghiande, catapulte, falariche, granate, marmitte, cerchi e lance da fuoco, baliste, scorpioni e altre macchine da guerra atte a respingere e distruggere le torri d'assedio. E aguzzavano aste, picche, rampiconi, alabarde, ramponi, roncole, lance, zagaglie, forconi, partigiane, clave, azze, dardi, quadrelle, chiaverine, giavellotti, spiedi.
Altri affilavano scimitarre, spadoni, pafurti, spade, verdunesi, stocchi, pistolesi, brandistocchi, daghe, mendozine, pugnali, coltelli, trilame, verrette.
Tutti saggiavano il filo del pugnale, ognuno srugginiva il suo brando. Non v'era donna, per quanto vecchia e schiva, che non tirasse a lucido il suo arnese, poiché, come sapete, le Corinzie di allora erano battagliere.
Diogene, vedendo tutti tanto infervorati nell'impresa e non essendo stato adibito dai magistrati a compito alcuno, per qualche giorno stette a guardare il loro affaccendarsi senza dir parole. Poi, come pervaso a un tratto da spiriti marziali, cinse a tracolla il suo pallio, si rimboccò le maniche fino ai gomiti, si tirò su la tunica come un coglitore di mele, affidò a un vecchio amico la sua bisaccia, i suoi libri e le sue tavolette, preparò fuori città, verso il Cranèo (collina o promontorio presso Corinto) una bella spianata, vi rotolò la botte fittile che gli era di riparo contro le ingiurie del cielo, e dimenando le braccia in grande eccitazione d'animo, la girava, voltava, intronava, imbrattava,
vezzeggiava, grattava, accarezzava,
abburattava, scoteva, batteva, buttava, tarabustava,
capitombolava, scalciava, bagnava, picchiava, timpanava,
ristoppava, distoppava, strapazzava,
imbrattava, sconciava, calpestava,
scrollava, spingeva, tempestava,
sbalzava, squassava, levava, lavava, impastoiava,
inchiavardava, lustrava, imbracava, bloccava,
tramenava, tartassava, inzaccherava,
appostava, incavalcava, ingiuriava, inchiodava,
ammoinava, impeciava, lardellava,
stazzonava, abbambinava, scampanava,
ruzzolava, tagliuzzava, rappezzava, sbatacchiava,
armava, alabardava, incappottava, corteggiava,
bardava, impennacchiava,
la rotolava da monte a valle, poi da valle a monte, come Sisifo col suo macigno, e poco mancò non la sfasciasse del tutto.
A vederlo così indaffarato, uno dei suoi amici gli domandò perché mai si tormentasse tanto, anima, corpo e botte. E il filosofo rispose che non essendogli stato assegnato compito alcuno per la salvezza della repubblica, si era dato a tempestare così la sua botte per non farsi vedere, unico sfaccendato e ignavo in mezzo a un popolo tanto fervido e operoso.
Lo stesso io, pur non avendo nulla da temere, non riesco a non provare imbarazzo nel vedere come nessuno mi consideri utile ad alcunché, laddove oggi, in questo nobilissimo reame di Francia, di qua e di là dai monti, ognuno senza posa si adopera e si affanna, chi a fortificare la patria e a difenderla chi a respingere i nemici e a recar loro offesa; e tutto in così bell'ordine e sì mirabile concordia, e con tale immancabile profitto per le generazioni a venire (poiché quindinnanzi la Francia sarà guardata da superbi confini e i Francesi avran pace e sicurezza perenni) che per poco non convengo anch'io con l'opinione del buon Eraclito, il quale affermava essere la guerra generatrice di ogni bene. E credo che i Romani chiamassero bellum la guerra, non già per antifrasi come opinano certi rabberciatori di vecchie ferraglie latine che nella guerra non ravvisano niente di bello, bensì in senso proprio, giacché nella guerra si manifesta ogni specie di bene e di bello e si cancella ogni specie di male e di brutto. E che questo sia vero ben lo ha dimostrato il pacifico e saggio re Salomone, il quale meglio non seppe rappresentarci l'indicibile perfezione della divina sapienza che prendendo a paragone l'ordinanza di un esercito in campo.
Visto pertanto che non sono stato ingaggiato e schierato sulla linea offensiva dei nostri, i quali mi hanno stimato troppo debole e inetto; visto che nemmeno nell'altro schieramento, quello difensivo, han voluto saperne di me dandomi da fare un qualsiasi lavoretto, magari di porta-mattoni, di aggiusta-morioni, di lustra-zagaglie o di rappezza-maglie – che per me è tutt'uno – ho stimato non piccola onta apparire spettatore ozioso di sì valenti, diserti e cavallereschi campioni che in vista e al cospetto di tutta Europa rappresentano questa favola insigne e gloriosa tragicommedia, senza apportarvi nulla di mio, senza spendere in questo quel nulla, quel tutto, che pur mi restava. Poi che ben piccola gloria mi sembra venirne a coloro che prendono parte solamente con gli occhi e che per il resto non badano che a risparmiare le loro forze, a fingersi poveri, a sotterrare marenghi, a grattarsi la testa con un dito da sfaccendati infingardi, a sbadigliare alle mosche come vitelli da decima, a drizzare le orecchie come gli asini d'Arcadia al suono dei musici; e per cenni, in silenzio, manifestano il loro autorevole assenso alla gran mascherata.
Fatti così i miei conti e tirate le somme, mi è parso di non far cosa inutile né inopportuna nel prendere anch'io a rotolare la mia diogenica botte, solo bene rimastomi dal naufragio che feci tempo addietro al faro di Malincontro.
Ma da questo trabalzar d'una botte cosa mai ne verrà secondo voi? Vi giuro, per la vergine pia che la dà via6, che ancora non lo so. Aspettate che tiri un paio di sorsi da questa bottiglia che è il mio vero Elicona, la mia Fonte Cavallina, il mio dèmone, il mio sacro furore. Bevendo io delibero, io disserto, io risolvo e concludo. Dopo l'epilogo, io rido, scrivo, compongo, bevo. Ennio bevendo scriveva, scrivendo beveva. Eschilo (se vogliamo dar credito a Plutarco in Simposiacis), beveva componendo, componeva bevendo. Omero mai non scriveva a gola secca. Catone non metteva giù una riga se non dopo bevuto. Questo perché non mi veniate a dire che vivo alla carlona senza badare ai più pregevoli e celebrati esempi. È buono e ben fresco: fresco di cantina7 direste voi; e che Dio, il buon Dio Sabahot, quello degli eserciti, ne sia lodato in eterno. E se anche voi vorrete farvi una bevuta in toga (una grande o due piccole a piacere) io non ci vedo nulla di sconveniente, a condizione che di tutto sia resa lode a Dio almeno un po'.
Poi che tale dunque è la mia sorte o il mio destino (perché non a tutti è concesso di entrare ed abitare in Corinto) la mia decisione è di non starmene con le mani in mano, anzi di mettermi al servizio e degli uni e degli altri. Farò per i pionieri, zappatori e addetti ai terrapieni quello che fecero in Troia Nettuno ed Apollo sotto Laomedonte: servirò i muratori, metterò a bollire la zuppa per loro, ma, terminato il pasto, con il suono della mia cornamusa, ciondolerò il ciondolio dei ciondoloni. Così Anfione fondò, costruì, edificò la grande e famosa città di Tebe al suono della sua lira.
Per gli uomini in armi, tornerò a spillare la mia botte, e grazie al vino che ne sortirà (che avreste già potuto ben conoscere per due precedenti volumi, se non fosse che li ha corrotti e intorbidati l'impostura degli stampatori) verserò loro dalla sorgente dei nostri svaghi epicenari8 una gustosa mezzetta e susseguentemente un allegro quartino di sentenze pantagrueliche (o anche diogeniche, perché se vi va di chiamarle così io non mi oppongo). Per cui, non potendomi avere per compagno, essi mi avranno per leale Maestro di Cantina, il quale, per quanto è consentito dalle sue deboli forze, saprà ristorarli e festeggiarli di battaglia in battaglia ed esalterà a gran voce – infaticabilmente, ve lo assicuro – le loro grandi prodezze, le fulgide glorie conquistate sul campo. Insomma, per ziomorto9, io sarò là! A meno che Marzo non manchi in Quaresima, cosa che credo si guarderà bene dal fare, il porcaccione.
Mi ricordo tuttavia di aver letto che Tolomeo, figlio di Lago, un giorno, mostrando agli Egizi, in pieno teatro, bottino e spoglie di guerra, esibì, fra l'altro, un cammello battriano10 tutto nero e uno schiavo variegato, il cui corpo appariva pertanto parte bianco e parte nero; e non in senso orizzontale secondo il diaframma, come già il corpo di quella donna consacrata a Venere Indiana che fu scorta dal filosofo di Tiana tra il fiume Idaspe e il monte Caucaso, bensì a bande verticali. Tolomeo, essendo cose queste mai vedute in Egitto, sperava, con la novità, di accrescere l'amore del popolo verso di lui. Cosa accadde invece? All'apparire del cammello, tutti furono presi da spavento e indignazione; alla vista dell'uomo variegato, alcuni se ne fecero beffe, altri inorridirono e rifuggivano persino dal guardarlo quale mostro infame generato per error di natura. Insomma, la speranza di Tolomeo di compiacere i suoi Egiziani e di aumentare l'affetto che naturalmente nutrivano per lui gli si sfaldò fra le dita. E imparò come più si compiacessero e deliziassero in cose belle, eleganti e perfette che non in cose ridicole e mostruose. Ed ebbe poi tanto in dispregio sia lo schiavo sia il cammello che ben presto, per mancanza di cure e di alimenti passarono ambedue da vita a morte.
Questo esempio mi fa pendere incerto fra la speranza e il timore, e son preso dal dubbio che invece della soddisfazione attesa mi capiti ciò che aborro, che il mio sia tesoro di carbone, che invece della dama di cuori mi esca l'asso di picche, che in luogo di servirli io li offenda, che invece di svagarli io li annoi, che invece di compiacerli io li disgusti, e che la mia ventura sia la stessa del gallo Euclione celebrato da Plauto nel suo Marmitta11, da Ausonio nel suo Grifone12 e da altri ancora; il quale gallo, per aver razzolando scoperto il tesoro, se n'ebbe la taglia golata. Se questo accadesse, non vi pare che sarebbe il caso di andare in bestia? È accaduto altra volta, potrebbe accadere ancora. Ma questa volta, per Ercole, non accadrà. Io riconosco nei miei compatrioti una forma specifica e proprietà individuale in virtù della quale mai prenderanno in mala parte cosa alcuna cha sappiano originata da onesta intenzione e coraggio franco e leale. E sempre li ho veduti star paghi al buon volere, se questo manca il segno per manco di potere.
Chiarito il punto, ritorno alla mia botte. Onore a questo vino, compagni! Bevete a tutta canna, ragazzi! Se però non vi sembra buono, lasciatelo lì. Io non sono di quegli importuni imbottapevere, i quali, con insulti e prepotenze, costringono lanzi e compagni a trincare o, peggio ancora, a tracannare a scoppiacorpo. Gli assetati che vengono alla mia botte, gottosi onesti, bevitori dabbene, se non gli va non bevano; se invece sono in vena e il vino incontra il gusto della signoria delle loro signorie, allora sotto! E che bevano tutti francamente, liberamente, spudoratamente, senza pagare e senza economia. Questa è la mia legge.
E non abbiate timore che il vino venga meno come accadde alle nozze di Cana in Galilea. Quanto voi ne tirate dal cannello altrettanto io ne imbotto dal cocchiume; così la botte perdura inesauribile, sorgente viva, vena perpetua. Tale era il liquore contenuto nella coppa di Tantalo, cui i filosofi Brachmani eressero una statua; tale in Iberia la montagna di sale celebrata da Catone; tale il ramo d'oro consacrato alla dea sotterranea tanto magnificato da Virgilio: insomma, una vera cornucopia di gioiosità, di facezie, di minchionature; che se talvolta vi sembri esaurita fino alla feccia, non per questo sarà in secca. Nel fondo c'è la buona speranza come nel vaso di Pandora: non la disperazione della botte delle Danaidi che il fondo non l'aveva.
Tenete bene a mente quello che ho detto e a qual genere di persone è rivolto il mio invito; e che nessuno si faccia illusioni. Perché, sull'esempio di Lucilio, il quale protestava di non scrivere che per i suoi Tarentini e Cosentini, io dichiaro di aver forato la mia botte solamente per voi, Gottosi di Gran Croce13, Bevitori del Primo Tino, gente dabbene. I giganti dorifagi14, ingollatori di brina, hanno abbastanza pruriti al culo15 e carnieri alla cintura16. Se ne curino se gli va, ché la loro selvaggina non è qui. Dei cervelli incercinati, degli spidocchiatori di emendamenti non fatemi parola, vi supplico nel nome e per l'onore di quelle quattro chiappe che vi misero al mondo nonché della vivifica caviglia che le accoppiò per l'occasione; e ancor meno degli ipocriti, benché tutti siano bevitori smodati, tutti impestati con croste di gala, tutti provveduti di sete inestinguibile e di insaziabile frenesia masticatoria. E perché? mi direte. Perché, rispondo, non son gente dabbene, anzi da male (quel male da cui Dio ci liberi come da Lui imploriamo ogni giorno) sebbene talvolta si travestano da penitenti. Mai vecchia scimmia farà bella smorfia. Indietro, mastini! Lungi dal mio cammino! Non fate ombra al mio sole, bacuccaglia! E siete ancora tra i piedi a sculettare, a inquisire il mio vino, a pisciare nella mia botte? Non sapete che questo è il bastone di Diogene, quello che egli volle, per testamento, con sé nella sua tomba per scacciare le larve funerarie e rompere la schiena ai mastini cerberiformi? Indietro, collitorti incappucciati. Al pecorume, maledetti mastini. Sciò sciò! Via di qua per tutti i diavoli, cabaloni d'inferno! Ancora qui? Rinuncio alla mia parte di Papimania17 se vi acciuffo. Sciò, sciò, sciò. Via, via! Se ne andranno una buona volta? Oh, che mai più possiate cacare se non a colpi di staffile! Che non possiate pisciare se non a tratti di corda! Che non possiate scaldarvi se non a suon di legnate!
1 Probabilmente, a causa degli unguenti preziosi di cui si impiastravano per guarire.
2 Allusione a una moneta d'oro (écu soleil) sul cui recto era impressa l'immagine del sole.
3 Le orecchie d'asino. Racconta Ovidio (Metamorfosi, XI, 85 ss.) che Mida, re di Frigia, chiamato a giudice di una sfida di bel canto fra Apollo e Marsia, dichiarò vincitore quest'ultimo, e Apollo, sdegnato, gli fece crescere le orecchie.
4 Antonio Caracalla, che aveva al suo servizio una polizia segreta.
5 Si ignora a quale serpentina o serpente di Rohan si faccia allusione.
6 Letteralmente: «per la vergine che si tira su la gonna» probabile allusione a Santa Maria Egizia che l'iconografia popolare rappresenta nell'atto di concedersi ai marinai in pagamento del prezzo di un pio pellegrinaggio.
7 Testualmente: «sul principio del secondo grado», secondo la terminologia della scienza medica di allora.
8 Dal greco: frivoli.
9 Nel testo: «par Lapathium acutum de Dieu», calembour non restitui-bile in italiano. Lapathium è il nome latino di una pianta che, nella pronuncia francese diventa La Passion.
10 Cammello a doppia gobba, secondo una distinzione di Plinio.
11 Aulularia.
12 Eryphon.
13 Nel testo, «Goutteux de franc alleu». Letteralmente: «Gottosi signori di beni allodiali». Probabile allusione alla forzata immobilità dei gottosi, simili pertanto ai suddetti signori che non erano tenuti ad alzarsi per rendere omaggio ad alcuno.
14 Che vivono di regalie: allusione alla ingordigia e corruttela dei giudici, qui rappresentati dai giganti.
15 Nel testo, «Au cul passion» in luogo di «occupation», bisticcio non recuperabile in italiano e che si richiama a un'antica canzone: Une femme en mélancolie / Par faute d'occupation, / Frottez-lui le cul d'ortie / Elle aura au cul passion.
16 Questi carnieri sarebbero i sacchi alla cintura pieni di atti processuali: le trappole per uccellare i gonzi.
17 Papimania è un'isola immaginaria (v. Libro IV, cap. XLVIII-LV) abitata dai Papimani, ammiratori e cultori fanatici del papa.
CAPITOLO I
Come Pantagruele trasferì una colonia di Utopiensi in Dipsodia
Pantagruele, dopo aver conquistato il paese dei Dipsodi, vi trasferì una colonia di Utopiensi in numero di 9 876 543 210 uomini, senza contare le donne e i bambini: artigiani di ogni mestiere, luminari di tutte le scienze liberali, per rigenerare, popolare e ingentilire il detto paese, prima scarsamente popolato e in gran parte deserto. E questo fece non già per la stragrande moltitudine di uomini e donne che in Utopia si erano moltiplicati come locuste (voi avete già capito senza bisogno che ve ne dica di più che gli Utopiensi avevano i genitali tanto fecondi e le loro donne matrici così ampie, ghiotte e ritentive, e cellulate in così perfetta architettura che in capo a ogni nove mesi nascevano sette bambini almeno tra maschi e femmine per ciascun matrimonio), a imitazione del popolo di Israele in Egitto, se De Lira non delira18; e nemmeno a causa della fertilità del suolo o dell'aria salubre o della comodità del paese; bensì per mantenere quel popolo in rispetto ed obbedienza insediando colà i suoi antichi e fedeli sudditi i quali, a memoria d'uomo, non avevano conosciuto, riconosciuto, accettato e servito altro signore che lui, e che, dal momento in cui nascendo erano venuti alla luce del mondo, avevano succhiato insieme con il latte delle loro madri e nutrici la dolcezza e mansuetudine del suo regno, e in quella erano stati allevati e accuditi giorno dopo giorno: ond'era ben fondata la speranza che ovunque fossero portati e trapiantati, avrebbero rinunciato alla loro vita terrena piuttosto che venir meno – loro, i loro figli e i figli dei figli – a quella sottomissione primordiale ed unica dovuta naturalmente al loro principe e signore; e che alla stessa fedeltà ed obbedienza avrebbero indotto e persuaso le nazioni novellamente aggiunte al suo impero.
Così accadde in effetti ed egli non andò deluso nelle sue previsioni. Poiché se gli Utopiensi erano stati fin da prima sudditi leali e riconoscenti, i Dipsodi, dopo aver conversato e vissuto un po' di giorni con loro, lo furono anche di più, per non so qual fervore naturale in tutti gli uomini al principio di ogni azione che riesca loro gradita. Soltanto si dolevano – e ne chiamavano a testimoni tutti i cieli e le intelligenze motrici –, che la fama del buon Pantagruele avesse impiegato tanto a giungere fin là.
Voi dunque noterete, miei cari bevitori, che i paesi novellamente conquistati non si reggono né si conservano (come già credettero erroneamente, a loro danno e disdoro, certi cervelli tirannici) saccheggiando, violentando, angariando, vessando, distruggendo, governando con il pugno di ferro, divorando insomma cose e persone, alla maniera di quel re malvagio che Omero chiamava Demovoro, cioè mangiatore di popoli19. Anzi, come pargoli pur mo' nati (e vi farò grazia al riguardo degli esempi tratti dalle antiche istorie, ma lasciate che vi richiami alla mente ciò che han veduto i vostri padri, e anche voi se non siete troppo giovani) bisogna allattarli, cullarli, trastullarli; come alberi appena messi a dimora, sostenerli, proteggerli da tutte le intemperie, ingiurie e calamità; come persone scampate da lunga e grave malattia e giunte a convalescenza, vezzeggiarli, risparmiarli, ristorarli; per modo che maturi in essi il convincimento non esservi al mondo principe o re del quale maggiormente deprecare l'ostilità e ricercare l'amicizia.
Così Osiride, re degli Egizi, conquistò tutta la terra non tanto per la forza delle armi, ma perché sollevava le genti dalle angarie, insegnava a vivere bene e sanamente, recava leggi semplici e opportune, mitezza di costumi, benefizi. Per questo lo soprannominarono Evergete, cioè benefattore, come Giove aveva ordinato a Pamila preannunciando la nascita del grande re20.
Infatti Esiodo, nella sua Gerarchia, colloca i dèmoni benigni (chiamateli angeli o genî se volete) come intercessori e mediatori fra gli dèi e gli uomini, superiori agli uomini e inferiori agli dèi. E poiché per le loro mani sono elargite a noi le ricchezze e i favori del cielo, ed essi sono costantemente benefici verso di noi e sempre ci proteggono dal male, egli dice che adempiono ad ufficio di re, stimando essere proprio della regalità fare sempre il bene e mai fare il male21. Così Alessandro il Macedone fu imperatore dell'universo. Così Ercole conquistò l'intero continente, liberando gli uomini da mostri, esazioni, oppressioni e tirannidi; governandoli con mitezza, confortandoli a vivere con equità e giustizia, concedendo ordinamenti e istituzioni convenienti a ogni singola contrada, supplendo a ciò che mancava, valorizzando quello che abbondava, perdonando tutto il passato con oblio sempiterno d'ogni offesa trascorsa; così come fu fatto in Atene, quando, grazie al valore e all'accortezza di Trasibulo furono sterminati i tiranni: esempio rievocato da Cicerone e rinnovato in Roma dall'imperatore Aureliano.
Sono questi i filtri, i sortilegi, i vezzi d'amore per mezzo dei quali si conserva con pace ciò che fu conquistato con pena. Né più felicemente potrà regnare il conquistatore, sia re, sia principe o filosofo, che facendo seguire la giustizia al valore. Il valore rifulse nella vittoria, la giustizia rifulgerà via via che per volere del popolo e secondo i suoi legittimi desideri il nuovo signore emanerà buone leggi, bandirà editti, stabilirà religioni e riconoscerà il diritto di tutti e di ciascuno, come dice di Ottaviano Augusto il nobile poeta Virgilio:
Lui vincitore le sue leggi ai vinti
per lor volere impose.
Per questo Omero nella sua Iliade chiama Kosmetoras laon, cioè ordinatori di popoli, i buoni principi e i grandi re. E tale era anche il divisamento di Numa Pompilio secondo re dei Romani, giusto, buon reggitore e filosofo, quando ordinò che al dio Termine, nel giorno della sua festa chiamata terminale, non fosse offerta vittima alcuna toccata dalla morte; insegnando così che termini, frontiere e provincie di un reame conviene reggere e conservare con mansuetudine, senza imbrattarsi le mani di sangue e di rapine. Chi fa altrimenti non soltanto perderà il nuovo acquisto, ma perduto che l'abbia patirà nuovo scandalo e obbrobrio, dicendosi per questo di lui che malamente e a gran torto acquistò. Poiché le cose male acquistate malamente periscono, e quand'anche ne avesse goduto in pace per tutta la vita e l'acquisto perisse per mano degli eredi, egualmente lo scandalo ricadrà su di lui e la sua memoria sarà maledetta come quella di un conquistatore iniquo.
Ed è sentenza passata in proverbio che «Del mal tolto non godrà il terzo erede».
E notate ancora, gottosi matricolati che non siete altro, notate ancora a questo proposito come Pantagruele, con l'insediare i suoi Utopiensi in Dipsodia, di un angelo ne fece due: tutto l'opposto di quel che accadde a Carlo Magno quando, d'un diavolo facendone due, trasferì i Sassoni in Fiandra e i Fiamminghi in Sassonia. Infatti, non potendo egli tenere in soggezione i Sassoni aggiunti di recente al suo impero, non potendo far sì che non si ribellassero a ogni momento quando necessità lo chiamasse in Ispagna o in altre terre lontane, li trasferì nelle Fiandre, paese a lui fedele per naturale e antica sudditanza; e Hainautiani e Fiamminghi, suoi sudditi naturali, trasportò in Sassonia, non dubitando della loro fedeltà ancorché trasmigrati in regioni straniere. Ma avvenne che i Sassoni continuarono a ribellarsi come prima, anzi con più protervia, e che i Fiamminghi, insediati in Sassonia, assimilarono i costumi e l'irrequietezza dei Sassoni.
CAPITOLO II
Come Panurgo fu fatto castellano del Guazzetto in Dipsodia e come mangiò il suo grano in erba
Riordinando il reame di Dipsodia, Pantagruele assegnò a Panurgo la castellania del Guazzetto con 6 789 106 789 reali di rendita certa per anno senza tener conto degli incerti: lumachini e maggiolini, il cui ricavato, annata buona per cattiva, ammontava in media a 2 435 769 reali, e qualche volta, quando la stagione dei lumachini era propizia e i maggiolini erano molto richiesti, poteva arrivare a 1 234 554 321 saraffi. Ma questo non capitava tutti gli anni, e monsignore il nuovo castellano seppe amministrarsi così bene e con tale prudenza che in meno di quattordici giorni diede fondo a tutte le rendite e gli incerti di tre annate della sua castellania. E non già, propriamente, come potreste pensare, per erigere monasteri, costruire collegi e ospedali, o gettando il lardo ai cani; ma il tutto profuse ordinando festini a non finire e gaudiosi banchetti aperti a chi volesse (soprattutto buontemponi, pollastrelle di prima muta e donne allegre e compiacenti), tagliando boschi, bruciando tronchi per vendere la cenere, esigendo anticipi, comprando caro, vendendo a buon mercato, mangiandosi, come voi dite, il grano in erba.
Pantagruele, come lo seppe, non ne fu in cuor suo minimamente indignato, afflitto o sorpreso. Vi ho già detto e ripetuto che era il miglior piccolo grande ometto che mai cingesse spada. Tutto prendeva dal lato migliore, ogni atto interpretava in senso buono, mai si tormentava, mai si scandalizzava; ché altrimenti, diceva, facendo luogo all'amarezza e all'ira, sarebbe fuoriuscito dal deifico maniero della ragione. Poiché tutti i beni che il cielo ricopre e la terra contiene in ogni sua dimensione: altezza, profondità, longitudine e latitudine, non sono degni di commuovere i nostri affetti, di turbare i nostri sensi e i nostri pensieri. Solamente, trasse Panurgo in disparte, e lo informò con dolcezza e bonarietà che, se voleva vivere a quel modo, se non intendeva amministrarsi con un po' di economia, sarebbe stato impossibile o almeno assai difficile farlo mai ricco.
«Ricco?» esclamò Panurgo. «È questo che avevate in mente? Darvi pensiero di me per farmi ricco in questo mondo? Ma pensate a vivere in allegria, nel nome del buon Dio e della brava gente! Che nessun'altra cura, nessun altro affanno penetri mai nel sacrosanto domicilio del vostro celeste cervello. E che la sua serenità mai sia turbata o annuvolata da pensieri che rechino sdegno e mestizia. Vivendo voi contento, gagliardo e sempre di lieto umore, io sarò ricco anche troppo. Tutti gridano "economia, economia!" senza sapere di cosa parlano. È da me che conviene prendere consiglio. E intanto sappiate che nel far ciò che mi si imputa a vizio io mi tengo agli esempi delle Università e del Parlamento di Parigi: luoghi nei quali risiede la vera fonte e l'idea vivente della Teologia Universale nonché d'ogni Giustizia. Eretico chi ne dubita e non lo crede fermamente. Là si mangiano in un sol giorno il loro vescovo, ovvero (che fa lo stesso) la prebenda del vescovado di tutto un anno, magari di due. E avviene precisamente il giorno dell'insediamento. E non c'è luogo a obiezioni, salvo che il vescovo non voglia essere lapidato all'istante.
«Inoltre, io ho agito in conformità delle quattro virtù cardinali. «Per Prudenza, ho scelto di riscuotere in anticipo perché non si sa mai se uno sta per morire o per andare in malora. Chi mi assicura che il mondo durerà ancora tre anni? E se durasse anche di più, chi è quel matto che oserebbe promettersi tre anni di vita?
Mai uomo ebbe gli dèi tanto corrivi
da saper se domani è ancor tra i vivi.
«Per Giustizia (giustizia commutativa), io compro caro (a credito) e vendo a buon mercato (in contanti). Del resto, cosa dice Catone nel suo De re rustica? Bisogna – dice – che il padre di famiglia sia venditore perpetuo, perché in questo modo è impossibile che non diventi ricco, se dura sempre la bottega22. Per giustizia distributiva, io dò da mangiare ai buoni (buoni, notate) compagni di baldoria che la Fortuna ha gettato, come Ulisse, sulle scogliere dell'appetito senza provvigioni da pasto, nonché alle buone (buone, notate) e giovani Maddalene (giovani, notate bene, poiché, secondo la sentenza di Ippocrate, la gioventù mal sopporta la fame, massime se vivace, allegra, acerba, irrequieta e volteggiante). Le quali Maddalene, ovverossia femmine da finestra, volentieri e di buon grado concedono piaceri alla gente dabbene e son platoniche e ciceroniane a tal punto che non si credono affatto venute al mondo per sé sole; anzi delle loro persone parte danno alla patria, parte agli amici.
«Quanto alla Fortezza, ho buttato giù degli alberi così grossi che mi par d'essere un secondo Milone. Ho raso al suolo foreste tenebrose, tane di lupi, di cinghiali e di volpi, ricettacolo di malfattori e briganti, asilo di assassini, ritrovo di falsari; e spianandole in chiare e aperte lande e belle praterie, e giocandomi i boschi a testa e croce, ho preparato gli scanni per la notte del Giudizio.
«E non parliamo della Temperanza! Mangiando il mio grano in erba, e vivendo di radici e di insalata, mi sono emancipato dagli appetiti sensuali e ho sparagnato a beneficio degli storpi e degli infermi. Infatti, faccio a meno dei sarchiatori che costano denaro; dei mietitori che bevono volentieri e mai annacquato; degli spigolatori che pretendono la focaccia; dei trebbiatori che fanno man bassa di agli, cipolle e scalogne e devastano l'orto, come attesta la Testili virgiliana23; dei mugnai che son tutti ladroni e dei fornai che non sono da meno. Vi sembra un risparmio da poco? Senza contare la calamità dei topi campagnoli, il calo del grano nei granai e il rosichio di punteruoli e calandre.
«Col grano in erba voi vi fate un'ottima salsa verde, di blanda concozione, di facile digestione, che allieta il cervello, eccita gli spiriti animali, rallegra la vista, sveglia l'appetito, diletta il gusto, irrobustisce il cuore, stuzzica la lingua, schiarisce la carnagione, fortifica i muscoli, tempera il sangue, distende il diaframma, rinfresca il fegato, disoppila la milza, conforta i rognoni, riposa i reni, scioglie le vertebre, sgombra l'uretra, dilata i vasi spermatici, accorcia i cremasteri, rassoda i genitali, rileva il prepuzio, indurisce il glande, rettifica il membro; e come se non bastasse vi mette a punto le viscere per ben ruttare, loffiare, petare, cacare, pisciare, starnutare, singhiozzare, tossire, sputare, vomitare, sbadigliare, smoccicare, alenare, inspirare, respirare, ronfare, sudare, drizzare il fuso e mille altri peregrini vantaggi».
«Capisco bene» disse Pantagruele: «voi intendete dire che non è da tutti, non è da persone di poco spirito spendere molto in poco tempo. Non siete il primo a concepire una simile eresia. Nerone già la professava e non c'era anima al mondo ch'egli ammirasse quanto suo zio Caio Caligola, il quale con invenzioni strabilianti aveva dilapidato in pochi giorni tutto l'avere e il patrimonio ereditato da Tiberio. Ma invece di professare e osservare le leggi cenarie e suntuarie dei Romani, la Orchia, la Fannia, la Didia, la Licinia, la Cornelia, la Lepidiana, la Anzia, e quelle dei Corinzî, per le quali era fatto rigoroso divieto di spendere anno per anno più della propria rendita annuale, voi avete fatto Protervia24, che era, presso i Romani, lo stesso che il sacrificio dell'agnello pasquale presso i Giudei, quando era d'obbligo mangiare tutto il mangiabile e il rimanente gettare nel fuoco e nulla serbare per l'indomani. E io posso dire di voi quel che disse Catone di Albidio, il quale, dopo essersi mangiato, scialando, tutto il suo avere e non restandogli più che una casa, la diede alle fiamme per poter dire consummatum est; come disse a sua volta San Tommaso d'Aquino quand'ebbe finito di mangiarsi da solo tutta la lampreda25. Ma lasciamo perdere».
CAPITOLO III
Come Panurgo loda i debiti e chi li fa
«Ma» domandò Pantagruele, «quando pensate di venirne fuori con tutti i vostri debiti?»
«Alle calende greche» rispose Panurgo, «quando tutti saranno felici e voi sarete l'erede di voi stesso. Che Dio mi guardi dal venirne fuori, perché allora non troverei più un cane che mi presta un soldo. Chi non lascia lievito la sera, non pianga se al mattino la pasta non fermenta. Siate sempre debitore con qualcuno e costui pregherà da mane a sera perché Dio vi conceda buona salute, lunga vita e felice. Per timore di rimetterci del suo, dirà bene di voi con tutti e vi procaccerà nuovi creditori, così voi potrete, scavando di qua e colmando di là, riempire il suo fossato con la terra degli altri. Pensate all'antica Gallia e all'usanza druidica di bruciare vivi i servi, i messi e i valletti ai funerali dei padroni. E non credete che costoro avranno avuto una paura ladra che il padrone morisse, visto che anche loro dovevano morire per forza insieme a lui? Non credete che pregassero continuamente il loro grande dio Mercurio, e Pluto, il dio dei marenghi, di mantenerlo a lungo in buona salute, così da poter vivere con lui almeno fino alla morte? E credetemi, i vostri creditori tanto più paventeranno la vostra morte e con tanto maggior fervore faran voti per voi perché viviate, quanto più son di quelli che amano la manica26 più del braccio, la borsa più che la vita.
Testimoni gli usurai di Landarossa che, non è molto, si impiccarono vedendo calare il prezzo del grano e del vino e tornare il bel tempo». Pantagruele taceva e Panurgo continuò.
«Cribbio! a pensarci bene, voi, a rimproverarmi così i miei debiti e i miei creditori, volete mettermi con le spalle al muro. E io che mi credevo augusto, temibile e rispettabile proprio per questo, che contrariamente alla opinione di tutti i filosofi, i quali affermano che dal niente non si cava niente, io pur non avendo niente, né materia prima né altro, riuscivo ad essere artefice e creatore.
«Artefice di che? Ma di tanti creditori belli e buoni! I creditori – io lo sosterrò fino alla prova del fuoco esclusivamente – son le più belle e brave creature di questo mondo. Creatura laida e cattiva è invece chi rifiuta il prestito: creatura dello schifosissimo demonio d'inferno!
«E creatore di che? Di debiti, naturalmente! Debiti, badate bene, in quantità eccedente il numero delle sillabe risultanti dall'accoppiamento di tutte le consonanti con le vocali come l'ha calcolato e stabilito il nobile Senocrate27. E se voi stimerete la perfezione dei debitori dal gran numero dei rispettivi creditori, avrete compiuto una corretta operazione di aritmetica pratica.
«Ma ve l'immaginate voi la mia felicità al mattino, quando mi vedo attorno tutta una corte di tanti bei creditori, così umili e servizievoli, così prodighi di riverenze28; quando noto che, mostrando ad uno viso più aperto e facendogli cera migliore che ad altri, il miserabile si lusinga di essere in testa alla lista, e crede che sarà pagato per primo, e tiene i miei sorrisi in conto di moneta sonante? A me mi par d'essere ancora lì che rappresento la parte di Dio come quando recitavo nel Mistero della Passione di Saumur29, con tutto il mio corteggio d'angeli e cherubini. Sono questi i miei candidati, come dicevano gli antichi Romani, i miei parassiti, i miei salutatori, i miei beneauguranti del mattino e laudatori perpetui.
«Considerando poi che oggidì tutti son presi da febbrile desiderio e acerrimo appetito di nuovi debiti e nuovi creditori, io non dubitavo che la montagna della Virtù eroica descritta da Esiodo consistesse nell'arte di far debiti, nella quale mi gloriavo d'essermi addottorato in primo grado: montagna alla cui cima pare che tutti mirino, ma che ben pochi salgono per la difficoltà del cammino. Perché non basta volere. Non è mica da tutti far debiti e creditori a volontà. E voi vorreste privarmi di questa felicità sopraffina e mi chiedete quand'è che penso di tirarmene fuori?! Ma c'è di peggio e io mi consacro a san Babolino30 buon diavolo se non ho sempre considerato i debiti come quel non so cosa che tiene insieme e coordina i cieli con la terra, sostentamento unico e vero dell'umano lignaggio, senza il quale, voglio dire, l'umanità perirebbe; se non addirittura quella grande anima dell'universo che, come dicono gli accademici, sostiene e vivifica tutte le cose.
«E infatti, provatevi a immaginare con spirito sereno l'idea e la forma di un qualche mondo (e se vi piace prendete il trentesimo di quelli fantasticati dal filosofo Metrodoro o il settantottesimo di Petronio31) nel quale non vi siano debitori né creditori: un mondo senza debiti! Ma non vi sarà più nessun corso regolare fra i corpi celesti! Gli astri se ne andranno a ramengo ognuno per conto proprio. Giove, non più debitore a Saturno, lo sbalzerà dalla sua sfera, e appiccherà ciondoloni alla sua omerica catena32 tutte le Intelligenze: gli dèi, i cieli, i demoni, i genî, gli eroi, i diavoli, terra, mare e tutti gli elementi. Saturno farà comunella con Marte e metteranno a sacco tutto l'universo. Mercurio non vorrà più saperne di fare il portalettere degli altri, di essere, per dirla con gli Etruschi, il loro Camillo33, per la semplice ragione che non deve loro un bel niente. Venere non sarà più venerata perché non l'ha prestata. La luna resterà sanguigna e tenebrosa. Perché mai il sole dovrebbe farle la luminaria? Chi glielo fa fare? Il Sole non splenderà sopra la terra, gli astri non vi pioveranno più gli influssi buoni perché la terra si scorderà di sostentarli con quelle esalazioni e vapori dei quali, come Eraclito dice, gli stoici dimostrano e Cicerone conferma, si pascono le stelle.
«Fra gli elementi non vi sarà alcuna intesa, né alternanza né trasmutazione, poi che l'uno non si sentirà tributario all'altro che non gli ha prestato niente. Non nascerà più acqua dalla terra, non aria dall'acqua né fuoco dall'aria, e il fuoco si rifiuterà di scaldare la terra. La quale non produrrà altro che mostri, Titani, Aloeidi e Briareidi. Non vi pioverà pioggia, luce non vi lucerà, vento non vi venterà. Non vi sarà più né estate né autunno. Lucifero si scatenerà e uscendo dal profondo inferno con le Furie, le Erinni, i Diavoli cornuti, vorrà stanare dal cielo tutti gli dèi, sia dei popoli più grandi sia di quelli più piccoli.
«Questo mondo senza debiti non sarà che uno scompiglio, una buriana più tumultuosa di quella per l'elezione del Rettore dell'Università di Parigi, una diavoleria più confusa di quella che si vide alla rappresentazione dei Misteri di Doué34. Gli uomini più non si aiuteranno l'un l'altro, e uno avrà un bel gridare "Aiuto! Al fuoco! All'acqua! Al ladro! All'assassino!". Nessuno accorrerà. Perché? Perché non ha prestato niente e niente gli è dovuto. A nessuno interessa la sua conflagrazione, il suo naufragio, la sua rovina, la sua morte: nulla ha prestato prima, nulla presterà di poi.
«In breve, da questo mondo senza debiti sarà bandita la Fede, la Speranza, la Carità, perché gli uomini son nati per il soccorso e l'aiuto degli uomini. In cambio, succederanno la Diffidenza, il Disprezzo, il Rancore, con la coorte di tutti i mali, tutte le maledizioni, tutte le miserie: un mondo sul quale a giusta ragione si dirà che Pandora ha rovesciato la sua brocca. Gli uomini saranno lupi agli uomini, lupi mannari, genî malefici, come lo furono Licaone, Bellerofonte, Nabucodonosor; briganti, assassini, avvelenatori, malfattori, malpensanti, malvolenti, in odio l'uno all'altro, come Ismaele, come Métabo, come Timone Ateniese, il quale per questa ragione fu soprannominato μισάνθρωπος35. Sì che sarebbe più facile in natura nutrire pesci nell'aria e pascere cervi nel fondo degli oceani che sopportare questa buggeratura di un mondo che non presta. Io, quanto a me, lo odio e lo detesto.
«E se, a immagine e somiglianza di questo disgustoso e insopportabile mondo che non presta vi figurate quell'altro piccolo mondo che è l'uomo, vi troverete un vero bordello. La testa non vorrà prestare la vista dei suoi occhi per guidare i piedi e le mani. I piedi non si degneranno di portarla in giro. Le mani non vorranno più saperne di lavorare per lei. Il cuore si seccherà di agitarsi tanto per i polsi degli arti e vorrà pigliarsi una vacanza. Il polmone non gli presterà più i suoi mantici. Il fegato non gli invierà più il sangue. La vescica non vorrà essere tributaria dei rognoni, e l'orina sarà soppressa. Il cervello, considerando tutto ciò contro natura, andrà in farnetico e non darà più ai nervi sensibilità né moto ai muscoli. Insomma, in questo mondo scombinato che niente deve, niente presta e niente mutua, voi assisterete ad una sedizione più perniciosa di quella raffigurata da Esopo nel suo apologo36. Un mondo così fatto perirà; perirà senza dubbio e in men che non si dica, fosse pure Esculapio in persona. Il corpo andrà in putrefazione e l'anima indignata se ne andrà di corsa a tutti i diavoli, insieme al mio denaro».
CAPITOLO IV
Continuazione del discorso di Panurgo in lode dei prestatori e dei debitori
«Figuratevi adesso un mondo tutto diverso, nel quale ognuno presti, ognuno debba, tutti siano debitori, tutti creditori.
«Quale armonia nel volgere ordinato dei cieli! A me mi par di sentirla anche meglio di come la sentisse Platone. Quale amicizia fra gli elementi! E come la Natura si compiacerà nelle sue opere e creazioni! Cerere colma di biade, Bacco di vini, Flora di fiori, Pomona di frutti, Giunone nel suo aere sereno, serena, salubre, piacente! Io mi ci perdo solo a pensarci: pace, amore e dilezione fra gli uomini! Fedeltà, quietudine, banchetti, festini, gioia, letizia, oro, argento, spiccioli, collane, anelli, mercanzie: tutto che trotta da una mano all'altra! Non processi, non guerre, non liti: non vi saranno usurai, non avidi né avari. Nessuno dirà di no. Non sarà questa, quant'è vero Dio, la vera età dell'oro, il regno di Saturno, l'Idea stessa degli olimpici reami dove ogni altra virtù vien meno e solo la carità governa e regna, domina e trionfa? Tutti buoni, tutti belli, tutti giusti. O mondo felice! O popoli felici di quel mondo felice! O tre e quattro volte beati! A me mi sembra d'esserci di già. E, perzio!, vi dò la mia parola che se in un mondo di tal fatta, in un simile mondo beato dove tutti prestano e nessuno svicola, vi fosse un papa con un bel seguitamento di cardinali e di membri del sacro collegio, voi, in pochi anni ci vedreste i santi più gagliardi, più miracolifici, con più indulgenze, voti, divozioni, confraternite e candele che non tutti quelli dei nove vescovadi di Bretagna messi insieme. Eccettuato soltanto Sant'Ivo.
«Considerate, ve ne prego, che il nobile Pathelin, volendo esaltare e con lodi divine elevare al settimo cielo il padre di Guglielmo Jousseaulme, non disse nulla più di questo:
E così le derrate dava a credito
a chiunque volesse fare un debito.
«O nobili parole!
«E adesso figuratevi, su questo modello, il nostro microcosmo, cioè a dire quel piccolo mondo che è l'uomo, con tutti i suoi organi affaccendati a indebitarsi e farsi credito l'un l'altro, com'è nella loro stessa natura. Poiché la natura non ha creato l'uomo per altro che per dare e prendere a credito, né l'armonia delle sfere celesti sarà mai più perfetta di quella che può ammirarsi nell'ordine preposto al suo esistere. Nella mente del suo creatore lo scopo fu quello di farne la dimora dell'anima, ch'egli vi insediò come ospite, e di custodirvi la vita. Il sangue è la sede dell'anima. Pertanto, una sola fatica assilla questo piccolo universo: forgiare sangue senza tregua. In questa fucina, tutti gli organi hanno un loro compito particolare; e tale è la loro gerarchia che senza posa l'uno prende dall'altro e all'altro dà e l'uno è debitore e l'altro creditore. La materia prima, il metallo adatto ad essere tramutato in sangue è dato da natura sotto le specie del pane e del vino, nelle quali sostanze sono compresi tutti gli alimenti: e da qui è venuta la parola companatico in lingua gota37. Per procacciarli, prepararli, cucinarli, lavorano le mani;
«i piedi camminano e sostengono l'intero congegno;
«gli occhi guidano il tutto;
«l'appetito, con un po' di bile acidula che sale dalla milza alla bocca dello stomaco, avverte che è il momento di infornare la vettovaglia;
«la lingua l'assaggia;
«i denti la masticano;
«lo stomaco la riceve, digerisce e chilifica;
«le vene meseraiche ne suggono la parte buona e idonea (rifiutando gli escrementi, i quali per virtù espulsiva vengono estromessi attraverso appositi condotti) e la portano al fegato che la trasforma ancora e ne genera il sangue.
«Vi immaginate voi la gioia di codesti officiali alla vista di quel rivolo d'oro ch'è il loro unico sostentamento? Non di certo maggiore è la gioia degli alchimisti quando, dopo tanti travagli, affanni e spese, vedono nei crogioli tramutarsi i metalli.
«Ed ecco che ogni organo si prepara di nuovo e si industria a purificare e affinare questo tesoro. I rognoni, con le vene emulgenti, ne estraggono l'acquosità che voi chiamate orina e attraverso gli ureteri la fanno scorrere in basso dove essa trova ricettacolo appropriato nella vescica, la quale, a tempo opportuno, la vuota di fuori. La milza ne estrae la parte limacciosa, la feccia, che voi chiamate melanconia38. Infine, la bottiglietta del fiele ne sottrae la bile gialla soverchia.
«Così lavorato, il sangue, per essere fatto ancor più puro, viene portato in un'altra officina: il cuore, che con i suoi movimenti diastolici e sistolici lo affina e purifica per modo tale che, dopo averlo portato a perfezione nel ventricolo destro, lo distribuisce per le vene a tutte le membra; e ciascun organo lo attira a sé e se ne giova a suo modo: piedi, mani, occhi e così via; ed allora, da creditori che erano diventano debitori. Nel ventricolo sinistro, il cuore rende il sangue così sottile che vien chiamato spirituale, e attraverso le arterie lo invia da ogni parte a riscaldare e aerare il sangue delle vene. Il polmone, con i suoi lobi e i suoi mantici non cessa di rinfrescarlo e il cuore, riconoscente, gli invia il sangue migliore per mezzo della vena arteriosa. In fine, dentro la rete mirabile, il sangue perviene a tale affinamento che ne nascono gli spiriti animali; onde l'anima immagina, discorre, giudica, risolve, delibera, ragiona, rammemora.
«Virtù di Dio! Io mi annego, mi smarrisco, mi perdo nelle profondità abissali di questo mondo che presta e chiede e dà, deve e rideve. Credetemi: prestare è cosa divina ed è Virtù eroica l'indebitarsi. E non è ancora tutto. Perché questo piccolo universo di debi-presta-creditori è così pieno di bontà che appena terminato di approvvigionare se stesso pensa già a far prestiti ai non ancora nati, a perpetuarsi così, se possibile, a moltiplicarsi in quelle immagini a lui somiglianti che saranno i figli e i nipoti.
A questo fine, ciascun organo toglie dal suo nutrimento e mette da parte una porzione, la più preziosa, e la manda in basso dove Natura ha preparato vasi e ricettacoli opportuni, per i quali discendendo fino ai genitali in lunghi ambagi e sinuosità, riceve forma appropriata e trova luoghi idonei, così nell'uomo come nella donna, per conservare e perpetuare il genere umano. Il tutto avviene per debiti e crediti vicendevoli; ed è ciò che si intende per doveri coniugali. A chi vi si rifiuta la Natura infligge pene: acre tormento in ogni parte del corpo e frenesia dei sensi; a chi vi si presta elargisce piacere, allegrezza e voluttà».
CAPITOLO V
Come Pantagruele detesta debitori e prestatori
«Capisco» disse Pantagruele, «e vedo che siete buon parlatore, bene agguerrito in topica e molto appassionato nel difendere la vostra causa. Ma per me potete predicare e perorare da qui alla Pentecoste e alla fine non vi resterà che sorprendervi di non avermi persuaso per niente. Non saranno i vostri bei discorsi che mi indurranno a far debiti. Guardatevi dal dover nulla a nessuno, dice il santo Inviato39, fuorché amore e mutua dilezione.
«Voi fate sfoggio di belle immagini e ipotiposi che mi piacciono e ammiro; ma vi assicuro che se voi vi figurate il ritorno di un truffatore sfrontato e stoccatore impenitente in una città che già sappia delle sue abitudini, vedrete che al suo solo apparire i cittadini saranno presi da paura e trepidazione peggio che se avessero visto arrivare la peste sotto l'aspetto in cui la incontrò il filosofo di Tiana per le vie di Efeso40. E son dell'opinione che non avessero torto i Persiani quando ponevano tra i vizi la menzogna al secondo posto e il far debiti al primo. Poiché d'ordinario debiti e menzogne vanno insieme.
«Io non intendo con questo che mai in nessun caso si debba dare o prendere a prestito. Non esiste uomo tanto ricco che non possa trovarsi talvolta ad aver debiti, né uomo tanto povero che non possa una volta nella vita far credito ad alcuno di alcunché. La buona regola è quella dettata da Platone nelle sue leggi quando dice di non lasciare che il vicino prenda acqua dal vostro pozzo se prima non abbia vangato e scavato nel suo campo fino ad arrivare a quello strato di terreno chiamato ceramite, cioè terra da vasaio, senza aver trovato sorgente o vena d'acqua. Perché questa specie di terra, che è per sua natura grassa, forte, liscia e densa, ritiene l'umidità che riceve e non la lascia facilmente filtrare o evaporare.
«Così è gran vergogna andar sempre e per tutto e da tutti a chieder prestiti e malleverie anziché lavorare e guadagnare. E allora soltanto si dovrebbe, a mio avviso, dare del proprio a prestito, quando una persona, lavorando, non ha potuto trar guadagno dalla sua fatica, o quando, per evento inopinato, si sia vista spogliata a un tratto dei propri beni.
«Ma adesso lasciamo questo argomento, e d'ora in avanti guardatevi dal crearvi altri creditori. Il passato è passato e ve ne assolvo».
«Il meno che posso fare a questo riguardo» disse Panurgo, «è di ringraziarvi. E se la gratitudine ha da essere commisurata all'affetto del benefattore, poiché l'amore che voi per vostra grazia mi portate è superiore a ogni stima, trascende ogni peso, ogni numero e misura, è infinito e sempiterno, io all'infinito e sempiternalmente vi ringrazierò. Ma se quello che conta è l'effetto del beneficio, cioè la soddisfazione di chi lo riceve, allora il mio ringraziamento, in questo caso, sarà povero e stento. Voi mi siete largo di favori più assai di quanto non mi spetti, molto al di là dei servigi che vi rendo; di più, molto di più – lo confesso – di quanto il mio merito non comporti. Ma in questo caso particolare, credetemi, il vantaggio che me ne viene è assai minore di quel che pensate.
«Non è quello il punto che mi duole, non è dove voi credete che mi brucia, non è là che mi rode: è la vostra medicina che mi fa star male. Perché d'ora in avanti, se mi sdebito, se me ne tirate fuori, mi dite voi quale sarà il mio contegno? Per mesi – Dio sa quanti – sarò impacciato e goffo e non farò che brutte figure, perché non ci son nato né abituato, e mi vien freddo a pensarci.
«Di più: d'ora in avanti, in tutto il territorio del Guazzetto non volerà scoreggia che non punti dritta al mio naso. Non vi sarà scoreggione che scoreggiando non dica "Questa per i pagadebiti". No no, non avrò vita lunga. Morirò affogato in un guazzetto di scoregge. Vi raccomando il mio epitaffio. E se mai, nella cura delle brave donne in preda a violenta colica ventosa si darà il caso che tutti i farmaci ordinari si dimostrino vani, i medici avranno sempre il toccasana a disposizione: la mummia del mio miserabile corpo in conserva di vento di culo. Per poco che gliene diano scoreggeranno più assai del bisogno.
«È per questo che vi pregherei (e ricordatevi di Re Luigi XI il quale, volendo tirar fuori da tutti i suoi processi il vescovo di Chartres, fu importunato da costui perché gliene lasciasse qualcuno per tenersi in esercizio)41 vi pregherei, dicevo, di lasciare anche a me una qualche centuria di buoni debiti. Credetemi: preferisco rimetterci tutta la mia lumacheria, maggiolini compresi; fatto salvo naturalmente il capitale».
«Lasciamo questo argomento» rispose Pantagruele, «ve l'ho già detto una volta».
CAPITOLO VI
Perché gli sposi novelli erano esentati dall'andare in guerra
«Ma» domandò Panurgo, «in quale legge fu scritto e stabilito che coloro i quali avessero piantato una nuova vigna o costruito una nuova casa sarebbero stati esentati dall'andare in guerra per il primo anno, e così per gli sposi novelli?»
«Nella legge di Mosè» rispose Pantagruele.
«Ma perché gli sposi novelli?» chiese Panurgo. «Dei piantatori di vigne sono troppo vecchio per darmi pensiero; comprendo le ansietà dei vendemmiatori; e quanto ai signori costruttori in pietre morte, vecchie o nuove, essi non sono iscritti nel mio libro di vita. Io edifico soltanto pietre vive, cioè figli di Adamo».
«A mio giudizio» disse Pantagruele, «si voleva che gli sposi novelli godessero a piacimento dei loro amori, attendessero alla generazione della prole, facessero provvista di eredi; cosicché, se l'anno dopo fossero caduti in battaglia, il loro nome e le loro insegne si perpetuassero nei figli. Inoltre si sarebbe saputo con certezza se le loro donne erano sterili o feconde (un anno di prova pareva loro sufficiente, stante che mai le fanciulle andavano spose in età prematura) così da poterle meglio accasare in seconde nozze dopo la morte del primo marito: le feconde con quelli che volessero moltiplicarsi nei figli; le sterili con quelli cui non importasse la prole, ma soltanto la virtù, l'istruzione e il bel garbo della sposa, la consolazione domestica e il buon governo della casa».
«I predicatori di Varenne»42 disse Panurgo, «detestano le seconde nozze come folli e disoneste».
«Che gli pigli la febbre quartana!» commentò Pantagruele.
«Giusto!» disse Panurgo. «E anche a frate Conno, che in pieno sermone, predicando a Parillé e deprecando le seconde nozze, giurava e spergiurava di volersi dare al più petulco di tutti i diavoli nel caso che non avesse preferito spulcellare cento pulcelle piuttosto che biscottarsi una vedova.
«Io trovo la vostra spiegazione buona e ben fondata. Ma che ne direste se quella esenzione fosse dovuta al semplice motivo che lo sposo novello, per quanto è lunga la prima annata, caprioleggia e tramescola talmente l'amor suo bello di recente acquisto (come giusto e doveroso) e si dispreme e sgocciola a tal punto i vasi spermatici da restarne slombato, imbambolato e infrollito da Capodanno a Natale? E allora a che pro, nel giorno della battaglia, scaraventarlo fra i prodi nella mischia, là dove Enio43 più infuria e più fieri cadono i colpi, mentre lui vorrebbe starsene acquattato armi e bagagli, con il culo a bagno come le papere? Quali mai colpi volete che tiri sotto le insegne di Marte chi già ha menato i suoi colpi maestri sotto le cortine di Venere?
«A riprova, vediamo ancor'oggi, fra le altre sopravvivenze e vestigia dell'antichità, che presso ogni casa dabbene vige l'usanza, dopo non so quanti giorni, di mandare lo sposo novello a trovare lo zio (anche se di zii non ne ha) per allontanarlo dalla sposa e frattanto rimpannucciarlo ben bene, così che possa al ritorno battagliare di nuovo con onore. Per la stessa ragione, non è che propriamente il buon re Petomagno, dopo la giornata di Lungocorno mi licenziasse, me e Cacciaquaglia. Egli intendeva soltanto che andassimo a casa nostra a riposarci un po'. Cacciaquaglia la sua casa la cerca ancora. La madrina di mio nonno, quand'ero piccolo, mi diceva sempre:
Padrenostri e orazioni
stan bene a quelli che li ritengono.
Ma un piffero che va alle fienagioni
piffera meglio di due che ne vengono44.
«Ciò che mi conferma in questa mia opinione è che i piantatori di vigna a mala pena mangiavano uva e assaggiavano vino, frutto del loro lavoro, durante la prima annata, e i costruttori, nel primo anno, non abitavano le loro case costruite di fresco, sotto pena di morirvi soffocati per difetto di espirazione, come dottamente ha osservato Galeno, lib. 2, Della difficoltà di respirare.
«Ma io non vi ho posto la domanda senza motivo ben motivato e senza ragione ben ragionata. E spero non ve ne dispiaccia».
CAPITOLO VII
Come Panurgo aveva la pulce nell'orecchia45 e perché rinunciò a portare la sua mirifica braghetta
L'indomani Panurgo si fece forare l'orecchio destro alla giudaica e vi infilò un piccolo anello d'oro damaschinato nel cui castone mise una pulce: una pulce nera, di quelle che sanno tutto e non mentono, perché è cosa preziosa l'essere bene informati in ogni circostanza. La spesa iscritta a bilancio per il mantenimento della pulce non superava di molto quella occorrente per il matrimonio di una tigre ircana: diciamo 600 000 maravedi a trimestre. Non avendo più debiti, questa spesa gli parve eccessiva e ne fu turbato; ma in seguito la sostenne alla maniera degli avvocati e dei tiranni, col sudore e col sangue dei sudditi.
Prese poi quattro aune di burello e se ne rivestì come di una lunga tonaca a una sola cucitura; smise i calzoni e mise un par d'occhiali al berretto46.
Così conciato si presentò a Pantagruele, il quale trovò ch'era un travestimento assai strano e soprattutto si stupì di non vedergli più indosso quella sua splendida braghetta nella quale egli soleva, come in un'ancora di salvezza, riporre l'estrema speranza contro tutte le tempeste, i naufragi e le avversità della vita.
Pantagruele non capiva quale mistero si celasse sotto una simile prosopopea e ne chiese a Panurgo la ragione.
«Io» rispose Panurgo, «ho la pulce nell'orecchio; ho deciso di prender moglie».
«Alla buon'ora!» disse Pantagruele. «Voi mi recate una notizia che mi riempie di gioia; benché non ci metterei la mano sul fuoco. Ma non è costume degli innamorati calar le braghe e andare in giro con la camicia che penzola sulla ginocchia senza il riparo della braghetta, e una tonaca di burello bigio, ch'è un colore tanto inusitato tra persone virtuose e dabbene.
«Se qualche eretico o qualche affiliato di sette particolari se ne siano talvolta infagottati, io, benché molti l'abbiano imputato a inganno, impostura e maligno proposito di soggiogare il popolo ignorante, non voglio biasimarli o giudicarne male per questo. Tutti s'impancano a giudici e dottori soprattutto al riguardo di ciò che non li riguarda: fatti altrui, esteriorità, cose di nessun conto, le quali in se stesse non sono né buone né cattive perché non vengono dal cuore e dal pensiero dove risiede il crogiuolo d'ogni bene e d'ogni male: del bene se la disposizione è buona e regolata da spirito puro; del male se la disposizione è iniqua e regolata da spirito maligno. Solamente mi dispiace la smania di novità e disprezzo delle usanze comuni».
«Al colore» disse Panurgo, «è ingrato di proposito; bigio bigello mi sta a pennello, e questo burello è il mio burò47; e io d'ora in avanti lo terrò con cura, e intendo guardare bene addentro nei miei affari. Poiché finalmente sono fuori dai debiti, voi non avrete mai visto uomo più antipatico e discortese di quel che sarò io, se Dio non mi aiuta.
«Guardate questi occhiali. A vedermi di lontano mi scambiereste di sicuro per fra Giovanni di Bourges48; e credo proprio che l'anno venturo predicherò una nuova crociata. E che Dio mi faccia braghetta della sua santa mano e mi protegga i coglioni da ogni male!
«Vedete questo burello? Vi dirò, e dovete credermi, che in esso risiede una virtù occulta conosciuta a pochi; l'ho indossato appena questa mattina e già mi arrovello, mi scorrubbio, mi struggo, mi ingraticolo dalla voglia che ho di prender moglie e di darci dentro come un diavolo bigio senza tema di legnate. Oh il massaro modello che sarò! Dopo morto mi arrostiranno su di un rogo onorifico per serbar le mie ceneri a ricordo ed esempio del perfetto massaio. Corbezzoli! E non si azzardi il mio argentario, quando mi rende i conti su questo mio burò, a farci su la cresta, perché io gli rompo la faccia, gli caccio i denti in gola, io!
«Guardatemi bene davanti e didietro. È la forma perfetta di una toga, l'antico abito dei Romani in tempo di pace. Ne ho ricopiato il modello dalla Colonna Traiana a Roma e anche dall'Arco di Trionfo di Settimio Severo. Sono stanco di guerreggiare; sono stanco di casacche e di loriche; ho le spalle consumate a forza di portare l'armatura. Giù le armi e in alto le toghe! Almeno per tutto l'anno che viene (se prendo moglie), in virtù della legge mosaica che voi stesso mi avete illustrato appena ieri.
«Quanto alle braghe, la mia prozia Lorenza49 mi diceva che esse son fatte per la braghetta50. Io credo per la stessa ragione per la quale quel nobile e simpatico mattacchione di Galeno (Dell'uso delle parti del corpo umano, lib. 9) dice che la testa è fatta per gli occhi. La natura, dice lui, avrebbe potuto collocare le nostre teste nelle ginocchia o nei gomiti, ma essendo gli occhi ordinati a vedere di lontano, li fissò nella testa come in cima a un bastone, nella parte più alta del corpo; così come vediamo le torri dei fari ergersi alte sui porti, affinché i naviganti possano, di lontano, scorgerne la lanterna.
«Poiché io vorrei per un po' di tempo, per un anno almeno, scordarmi dell'arte militare, cioè prender moglie, così non porto più la braghetta (né per conseguenza le braghe) essendo che la braghetta è la parte più importante dell'armatura del guerriero. E io sostengo fino alla prova del fuoco (fuoco spento, badate bene) che i Turchi non sono armati come si deve perché la loro legge proibisce l'uso della braghetta».
CAPITOLO VIII
Come e perché la braghetta è il pezzo più importante dell'armatura del guerriero
«Se ho ben capito» disse Pantagruele, «voi sostenete che la braghetta è il pezzo principe dell'armatura militare. È una dottrina alquanto paradossa e nuova, perché tutti son concordi nel dire che è dagli sproni che si comincia ad armarsi»51.
«Io lo sostengo» rispose Panurgo, «e non a torto lo sostengo. Osservate la Natura come ha provveduto, volendo perpetuare, dopo averli creati, alberi, piante, arbusti, erbe e zoofiti e farli durare per tutto il corso del tempo senza che le specie deperiscano pur nell'estinguersi degli individui. Essa ne ha armato con cura e germi e semi, nei quali risiede la loro possibilità di perpetuarsi e, con industria mirabile, li ha muniti e ricoperti di bucce, guaine, malli, noccioli, calicetti, reste, pappi, scorze, ricci pungenti, che son le loro braghette naturali, belle e forti. Esempio manifesto se ne ha nei piselli, nelle fave, nei fagioli, nelle noci, nelle pesche, nel cotone, nella coloquintide, nel grano, nei papaveri, nei limoni, nelle castagne, in tutte le piante in generale, nelle quali vediamo che il germe od il seme è ricoperto, difeso ed armato meglio di ogni altra parte. Non allo stesso modo ha provveduto Natura alla perpetuazione dell'uman genere; che anzi ha creato l'uomo nudo, tenero, fragile, senz'armi né di offesa né di difesa, nello stato d'innocenza della prima età dell'oro. Essa ne fece un essere animato, non una pianta: un essere animato, voglio dire, nato alla pace, non alla guerra; nato al godimento meraviglioso di tutti i frutti e le piante che gemmano dal suolo; nato al dominio pacifico di tutte le bestie della terra. Ma allorché sopravvennero l'età del ferro ed il regno di Giove e la malizia prese a moltiplicarsi fra gli uomini, la terra cominciò a produrre ortiche, cardi e marruche e altri segni di ribellione delle creature vegetali, a insidia e tribolazione dell'uomo; mentre quasi tutti gli animali, per fatale inclinazione, si emanciparono da lui e insieme tacitamente congiurarono di non più servirlo né obbedirlo finché potessero resistergli, e di recargli ogni possibile danno a misura delle loro forze e facoltà. E l'uomo allora, per salvaguardare i suoi beni e volendo perpetuare il dominio suo originario e non potendo perciò fare a meno dei servigi di molti animali, fu costretto ad armarsi».
«Per l'Oca sacra di San Quinetto!»52 gridò Pantagruele. «Lo sai che dopo le ultime piogge sei diventato un grassapinte, voglio dire un gran sapiente?»
«L'uomo dunque si armò» disse Panurgo, «per naturale ispirazione. Ma quale fu la prima parte cui Natura lo consigliò di provvedere? I coglioni, perdio!
E come il paracoglie fatto fu
messer Priapo non chiese di più53.
«Questo ci attesta il capitano e filosofo ebreo Mosè là dove afferma che l'uomo si armò di una sua brava elegante braghetta, composta, con assai commendevole invenzione, di foglie di fico, le quali si trovano in natura e sono del tutto idonee, per durezza, taglio, increspatura, levigatezza, grandezza, colore, odore, virtù e facoltà loro proprie a coprire ed armare convenientemente i coglioni. Ad eccezione, s'intende, delle orrifiche coglie di Lorena, le quali scendono a briglia sciolta fino in fondo ai calzoni, aborrono il maniero delle alte braghette e son fuori d'ogni ordine e misura: testimone Viardière, il nobile re Valentino, che ho visto io un primo maggio a Nancy, che per farsi bello si grattava le coglie sciorinate sul tavolo come una cappa spagnola.
«Perciò d'ora in avanti, a voler parlare propriamente, non si dovrà più dire al povero cristo che va alla guerra
"Salva, o Tevot, la brocca del vino",
cioè la bistonda. Si dovrà dirgli invece
"Salva, o Tevot, la brocca del latte"
cioè i coglioni, per tutti i diavoli! Perduta la testa, soltanto chi la porta è perduto; ma perduti i coglioni, ci va di mezzo tutta l'umanità.
«È questo che indusse il galante Galeno (lib. 1, De Spermate) a concludere bravamente che sarebbe meglio, cioè minor male, non aver il cuore piuttosto che non avere i genitali. Poiché è là che si asconde come in un sacro tabernacolo il seme onde perdura l'umano lignaggio. E io scommetterei meno di cento franchi che sono quelli precisamente i sassi coi quali Deucalione e Pirra ricostruirono il genere umano annientato dal mitologico diluvio.
«È questo che indusse il valoroso Giustiniano, lib. 4 De cagotis tollendis, a porre il summum bonum in braguibus et braguetis.
«Per questo e per altri motivi, mentre un bel giorno il signor de Mervil, dovendo seguire in guerra il suo re, indossava un'armatura nuova (perché quella vecchia già mezzo arrugginita non gli andava nemmeno più, essendosi da gran tempo la pelle della sua pancia allontanata di troppo dalle reni), la moglie, osservandolo intenta, considerò ch'egli non si curava abbastanza della sporta e del bastone comune del loro matrimonio, visto che li copriva soltanto d'una maglia; e fu d'avviso che li munisse ben bene e li gabbionasse d'un grosso morione da giostra che giaceva dimenticato nel suo gabinetto.
«Del che fanno fede questi versi che voi potete leggere nel terzo libro del Fichino delle Pulzelle:
Lei che vide il marito andare in guerra
Tutto in arnese, ma senza braghetta,
"Salva" gridò, "la parte prediletta:
Arma anche lui che non sia messo a terra!"
Bene a ragion gridava ella e piativa,
Più d'ogni altra temendo quella botta
Che nella mischia la facesse priva
del buon boccone ond'era tanto ghiotta.
«E adesso potete fare a meno di stupirvi di questo mio nuovo abbigliamento».
CAPITOLO IX
Come Panurgo si consiglia con Pantagruele per sapere se debba o no prender moglie
Poiché Pantagruele ascoltava e taceva, Panurgo continuò e disse con un profondo sospiro:
«Signore, voi avete inteso il mio proponimento, che è di ammogliarmi, a meno che, per mala sorte, tutti i buchi non siano chiusi, otturati e recintati. Ora io vi supplico, per l'amore che sì a lungo mi avete portato, di dirmi cosa ne pensate».
«Dal momento che avete già deciso e questa è la vostra ferma risoluzione» disse Pantagruele, «a che serve parlarne? Il dado è tratto e non vi resta che attuare il vostro proposito».
«Sì» disse Panurgo, «ma io non vorrei mai attuarlo senza il vostro consiglio e il vostro illuminato avviso».
«E io» disse Pantagruele, «sono del vostro avviso e ve lo consiglio».
«Ma» disse Panurgo, «se voi foste convinto che sia meglio per me restare così come sono invece di andare in cerca di novità, allora preferirei non ammogliarmi per niente».
«Non ammogliatevi per niente» rispose Pantagruele.
«Ho capito: voi volete» disse Panurgo, «che io resti solo soletto per tutta la vita, senza uno straccio di moglie. Non sapete che sta scritto: Vae soli! e che all'uomo solo mai non è concessa la felicità che arride invece agli ammogliati?»
«Allora ammogliatevi, in nome di Dio!» disse Pantagruele.
«E se mia moglie» disse Panurgo, «mi facesse cornuto? Corre un'annata buona per le corna, voi lo sapete, e questo basterebbe a farmi uscire dai gangheri e dalla grazia di Dio. Io amo molto i cornuti, che mi sembrano persone dabbene, ma mi venga un accidente se vorrei esser uno di loro. Sono troppo sensibile su questo punto»
«Appunto: non ammogliatevi» disse Pantagruele, «perché la sentenza di Seneca: "Quello che ad altri fai altri faranno a te", è vera senza eccezione».
«Senza eccezione, dite voi?» chiese Panurgo.
«Senza eccezione, dice lui» rispose Pantagruele.
«Corpo di un diavolo nano!» esclamò Panurgo. «Ma lui vuol dire o in questo mondo o nell'altro. A ogni modo, visto che io non posso fare a meno della moglie più che un cieco del bastone (perché bisogna che il pìrolo prilli, se no non saprei vivere) non è meglio che io mi prenda per compagna una qualche onesta e virtuosa donna, invece di cambiare ogni giorno, rischiando di continuo di buscarmi qualche legnata se non addirittura una bubbonica, che sarebbe ancor peggio? Perché io, francamente, con le mogli oneste degli altri, non se ne offendano i mariti, proprio non mi ci trovo».
«Trovatevi una moglie vostra, in nome di Dio!» tornò a dire Pantagruele.
«Ma» disse allora Panurgo, «se putacaso e a Dio piacendo, mi capitasse in moglie proprio a me una donna dabbene e questa mi picchiasse, io dovrei essere nato da una costola di Giobbe per non mangiarmi il fegato e non dare della testa nel muro come un pazzo. Perché mi è stato detto che queste donne tanto da bene hanno generalmente una testa da male, e che infatti l'aceto in casa loro è sempre il migliore. Ma la mia testa sarà anche peggio della sua e son capace di pestarle e strapestarle così bene le frattaglie (braccia, gambe, testa, polmoni, fegato e milza) e di strapparle così bene gli abiti di dosso a furia di frustate, che il gran diavolo ne aspetterebbe l'anima dannata sulla porta di casa. Ma, a dir la verità, per quest'anno, preferirei fare a meno di tanto trambusto e sarei contento di tenermene fuori».
«Tenetevi fuori del matrimonio, allora» disse Pantagruele.
«Sì» disse Panurgo, «ma considerate lo stato in cui mi trovo: senza debiti e senza moglie. E notate che dico senza debiti per mia disgrazia, perché se fossi indebitato fino al collo, ci penserebbero i miei creditori ad aver cura, anche troppo, della mia Paternità. Ma senza debiti e senza moglie, nessuno avrò che si curi di me e che mi porti un tale amore quale si dice che sia l'amore coniugale. Per cui, se cadessi malato, chi mi curerebbe se non alla rovescia? Dice il saggio che dove non c'è donna (e io intendo madre di famiglia e sposa legittima) il malato se la vede brutta: Ubi non est mulier, ingemiscit aeger. E lo so ben io cosa è successo a papi, legati, cardinali, vescovi, abati, priori e monaci. Se è a questo che volete ridurmi, vi sbagliate di grosso».
«Ma perché non vi ammogliate?» sospirò Pantagruele.
«Già» disse Panurgo, «ma se, cadendo malato e non potendo adempiere ai miei doveri di marito, mia moglie, insofferente della mia fiacca, si desse ad altri e non solo non mi sovvenisse nel mio bisogno, ma si facesse beffe della mia infermità e (quel che è peggio) mi derubasse come ho visto accadere sovente, cosa ne direste voi? Io dico che il quadro sarebbe completo e a me non resterebbe che rotolarmi per le terre in mutande come un folle».
«Allora non siate tanto folle da ammogliarvi» disse paziente Pantagruele.
«Giusto» disse Panurgo, «ma così non avrò mai figli né maschi né femmine e tanto meno legittimi, nei quali io possa sperare di perpetuare il mio nome e le mie armi; ai quali io possa affidare il mio patrimonio e i miei acquisti (ne farò di eccellenti una di queste mattine e affrancherò i miei beni da tutte le ipoteche): con i quali io mi possa svagare quando son triste, così come vedo fare ogni giorno con voi il vostro tanto indulgente e benevolo padre e come fanno tutte le persone dabbene nella domestica intimità. E così, senza più creditori e senza moglie, se mi capita un qualche malanno, ho l'impressione che invece di consolarmi, tutti rideranno della mia disgrazia».
«Ammogliatevi, dunque, perdio!» gridò Pantagruele54.
CAPITOLO X
Come Pantagruele fa osservare a Panurgo quanto sia difficile dar consigli sul matrimonio, e come sia possibile trarre pronostici da Omero e da Virgilio55
«Salvo errore» disse Panurgo, «i vostri consigli somigliano alla favola dell'uccellino, e non sono altro che un rosario di sarcasmi, di motteggi e ripetizioni contraddittorie: un consiglio ammazza l'altro e io non so a quale tenermi».
«Anche nelle vostre proposizioni» disse Pantagruele, «vi sono tanti se e tanti ma che io non posso ricavarne un bel niente e niente concluderne. Il punto è di sapere se voi siete ben fermo nella vostra determinazione. Tutto il resto è fortuito e dipende dai decreti insindacabili del cielo. Noi vediamo buon numero di sposi talmente felici che nel loro matrimonio sembra riflettersi una qualche idea e immagine delle gioie del paradiso; altri invece talmente infelici che i diavoli tentatori degli eremiti nei deserti della Tebaide o dei cenobiti di Montserrat non lo sono di più. Una volta presa una risoluzione bisogna affidarsi alla ventura: gli occhi bendati, la testa bassa, baciando la terra e raccomandandosi a Dio per il resto.
«Tuttavia, ecco cosa potreste fare se vi sembra una buona idea: portatemi le opere di Virgilio, e aprendole tre volte con l'unghia, dai versi corrispondenti ad un numero convenuto prima tra noi divineremo le sorti del vostro matrimonio; così come molti han conosciuto il loro destino traendo le sorti da Omero.
«È il caso di Socrate, il quale, in prigione, udendo recitare le parole di Achille nel nono libro dell'Iliade:
... la terza luce
di Ftia porrammi sulla dolce riva56,
previde che sarebbe morto dopo tre giorni; e lo disse ad Eschine, come narrano Platone nel Critone, Cicerone nel De Divinatione, lib. I, e Diogene Laerzio.
«È il caso di Opilio Macrino, il quale, volendo sapere se sarebbe diventato imperatore di Roma, sortì questa sentenza:
Troppo feroce gioventù nemica
ti sta contra o buon vecchio, e infermi troppo
sono i tuoi polsi: hai grave d'anni il dorso...57
«Infatti egli era già vecchio, e avendo ottenuto l'Impero, dopo un anno e due mesi fu spodestato e ucciso da Eliogabalo, giovane e forte.
«È il caso ancora di Bruto, che cercando presagi sulla battaglia in cui rimase ucciso, a Farsaglia, sortì queste parole di Patroclo:
Ma me per rio destin qui Febo uccide58.
«Febo, cioè Apollo, che fu la parola d'ordine di quella giornata sotto le mura di Troia.
«Non diversamente, nell'antichità, furono conosciute e previste cose insigni e casi memorabili da responsi virgiliani; come avvenne ad Alessandro Severo, che traendo così le sorti incontrò questi versi:
Ma voi, romani miei, reggete il mondo
con l'imperio e con l'armi...59
e dopo alcuni anni veniva eletto realmente imperatore di Roma.
«Anche Adriano, ansioso di sapere quale opinione Traiano avesse di lui e quale affetto gli portasse, volle trarre il pronostico da Virgilio e incontrò i versi giusti:
Ma chi fia questi che da lungi scorgo
sì venerando il crin cinto d'olivo
con quelle bende e con quei sacri arredi?
A la chioma, a la barba irta e canuta
mi sembra ed è di Roma il santo rege60.
«E fu poi adottato da Traiano e gli successe nell'Impero.
«Claudio secondo, imperatore romano assai venerato, cui toccò in sorte un verso del primo libro dell'Eneide,
E tre estati regnar Lazio vedrallo61,
non regnò più di due anni. E al medesimo, quando volle esplorare il destino di suo fratello Quintilio, cui voleva affidare il governo dell'Impero, capitò questo vaticinio:
Questi alla luce appena
verrà che ne fia tolto62.
«Ed è quello che accadde, perché fu ucciso diciassette giorni dopo aver assunto le redini dell'Impero.
«A Gordiano il giovane capitò lo stesso.
«Per Clodio Albino, desideroso di conoscere la sua buona ventura, la risposta fu:
Quest'è quel generoso, ch'a grand'uopo
vien di Roma a domare i Peni, i Galli ecc63.
«Il Divo Claudio Imperatore, predecessore di Aureliano, cercando pronostici per la sua posterità, sortì questo verso:
A Roma non pongo io termine o fine64;
ed ebbe lunga serie di successori.
«E a Pietro Amy65, ch'era ansioso di sapere se sarebbe sfuggito all'imboscata dei farfarelli, fu risposto:
Ah! fuggi, Enea, da questo empio paese:
Fuggi da questo abominevol lito66;
e scampò dalle loro grinfie sano e salvo.
«Di mille altri potrei narrare le vicende avveratesi secondo il verdetto di un verso così fortuitamente incontrato, ma sarebbe cosa troppo prolissa. Né io intendo concluderne che i vaticini di questo genere siano infallibili, perché non vorrei che aveste a patirne qualche delusione».
CAPITOLO XI
Come Pantagruele dimostra essere cosa illecita trarre la sorte coi dadi
«Si farebbe più presto con tre bei dadi» disse Panurgo.
«No» rispose Pantagruele. «Questo sortilegio è abusivo, illecito e grandemente scandaloso. Non vi ci fidate mai. Il maledetto libro sul Passatempo coi dadi67 fu inventato molto tempo fa dal diavolo in Acaia, presso Bura: davanti alla statua di Ercole Buraico, come ancor oggi in parecchi luoghi, il Nemico mentitore traeva in inganno molte anime semplici, facendole cadere nelle sue reti68. Voi sapete come mio padre Gargantua l'abbia interdetto in tutti i suoi reami, l'abbia fatto bruciare con tutti gli stampi, caratteri e figure, e sterminato e soppresso e abolito come peste pericolosissima.
«E quello che ho detto per i dadi lo dico egualmente per gli aliossi. E non venitemi a raccontare che Tiberio ebbe la mano felice quando gettò gli aliossi nella fontana di Abano presso l'oracolo di Gerione. Ché son proprio queste le esche con cui il Nemico seduce le anime semplici e le conduce a perdizione eterna.
«Tuttavia, per accontentarvi, vi consentirò di gettare tre dadi su questo tavolo e trarremo il pronostico dal verso corrispondente al numero che sortirà, alla pagina che avrete aperto. Avete dei dadi nella vostra borsa?»
«Ne sono imbottito» rispose Panurgo. «I dadi sono il verde del Diavolo69, come spiega Merlin Coccaio nel libro secondo, De Patria diabolorum70. Il diavolo mi coglierebbe senza il verde se mi incontrasse senza i dadi in saccoccia».
Gettati i dadi, ne sortirono il cinque, il sei, il cinque.
«Sedici» disse Panurgo. «Vediamo al sedicesimo verso della pagina. Il numero mi piace. Credo che avremo un pronostico lieto. E che io sia scaraventato attraverso una torma di satanassi come una palla tra i birilli o come un colpo di cannone tra un battaglione di fantaccini, se la prima notte di nozze non mi sbatuffolo la moglie almeno sedici volte. In guardia, figli di Lucifero!»
«Non ne dubito» disse Pantagruele, «e non c'era bisogno di così orribili giuramenti. Al primo attacco farete cilecca, e conterà per quindici come al gioco della pallacorda; ma al risveglio la rimedierete con un buon colpo, e faranno sedici».
«Così la intendete?» protestò Panurgo. «Allora sappiate che quel glorioso randello che ho messo a guardia del mio pettignone mai non commise errore od omissione. Mi avete mai sorpreso in qualche confraternita di impotenti? Mai, mai e poi mai! Io la faccio da Priore, da reverendo signor Priore e senza mancamenti: me ne appello a ogni buon giocatore».
Detto questo furono portate le opere di Virgilio. Prima di aprirle, Panurgo disse:
«Il cuore mi batte a martello. Sentite qui il mio polso a questa arteria del braccio sinistro come bussa forte e frequente. Mi par d'essere agli esami alla Sorbona e che gli esaminatori ce l'abbiano con me. Non sarebbe meglio, prima di andare avanti, che invocassimo Ercole e le dee Teniti, che si dice presiedano la camera delle Sorti?»
«Né l'uno né l'altro» disse Pantagruele. «Aprite con l'unghia e basta».
CAPITOLO XII
Come Pantagruele esplora con le sorti virgiliane i decreti della Fortuna sul matrimonio di Panurgo
Panurgo dunque aprì il volume e lesse al sedicesimo rigo:
Né di sedere con un dio a banchetto
fu degno o d'una dea giacer nel letto71.
«Questo» disse Pantagruele, «non suona a vostro favore. Qui risulta che vostra moglie sarà fornicatrice e voi conseguentemente cornuto. La dea che vi sarà impropizia è Minerva, vergine temibilissima, divinità possente e folgoratrice, nemica dei cornuti, dei farfalloni, degli adulteri, nemica delle mogli impudiche, infedeli ai loro mariti e compiacenti con gli altri. Il dio è nientemeno Giove tonante e folgorante dai cieli. E noterete che, secondo la dottrina degli antichi Etruschi, i manubi (così si chiamavano i lanci delle folgori di Vulcano) competono a Minerva soltanto – come si vide nella conflagrazione delle navi di Aiace Oileo – e a Giove che la generò dalla testa. Agli altri dèi dell'Olimpo non è permesso maneggiar saette e per questo non sono altrettanto temuti dagli uomini.
«Vi dirò di più – e tenetelo a mente come saggio di alta mitologia – che quando i giganti mossero in guerra contro gli dèi, costoro da principio si facevano beffe di simili nemici: avversari non degni – dicevano – nemmeno dei loro valletti. Ma quando videro che i giganti avevano trabalzato il monte Pelio in cima al monte Ossa e già avevano sradicato il Monte Olimpo per catapultarlo sopra gli altri due, furono presi tutti da spavento. Giove riunì il capitolo generale e fu deciso, tutti d'accordo, di mettersi bravamente sulle difese. E siccome ben sapevano di battaglie perdute a causa degli impacci e degli impicci creati dalle donne quando si mettono a scorazzare fra gli eserciti, fu deciso di cacciare dai cieli e di spedire temporaneamente in Egitto e verso i confini del Nilo tutto quel bailamme di dee travisate in donnole, faine, nottole, musaragni e simili altre metamorfosi, fatta eccezione per Minerva, che fu invitata a restare per scagliar folgori insieme a Giove, quale dea di lettere e di guerra, di consiglio e d'azione: dea nata in armi, dea temuta in cielo, sulla terra, nell'aria e sui mari».
«Ventre di Dio!» esclamò Panurgo. «Sarei dunque io quel Vulcano di cui parla il poeta? No no. Io non sono sciancato né falsario; né fabbro ferraio come lui. Diciamo pure che mia moglie sarà bella e avvenente come la sua bella Venere, ma non infedele come quella, né io barbagianni come lui: quel brutto Gambatorta che si fece lui stesso proclamar becco per decreto al cospetto di tutti gli dèi. Perciò qui mi farete il santo piacere di interpretare all'incontrario.
«Questo sortilegio denota che mia moglie sarà casta, pudica e leale, e niente affatto catafratta, folgorativa e intrattabile, né uscita di cervello né tantomeno scervellata come Pallade; e il nostro bel Giovettino si guarderà bene dall'essermi rivale e dall'inzuppare il naso nella mia scodella quand'anche sedessimo alla stessa tavola.
«Consideriamo le sue gesta, le sue belle imprese. È stato il più grande ruffiano e il più infame cordigliere (scusate: volevo dire bordelliere) che si sia mai visto. Era sempre infoiato come un verro (d'altronde fu allattato da una troia sul monte Ditte nell'isola di Candia, se Agatocle non mente) e più arrazzato di un caprone; perché altri dicono che invece fu allattato dalla capra Amaltea. Virtù d'Acheronte72! Si belinò in un giorno la terza parte del pianeta, uomini, bestie, fiumi e montagne: voglio dire madama Europa. Tant'è vero che, per questo suo belinaggio, gli Egiziani lo facevano effigiare in figura di Montone montante. E cornuto.
«Ma io so bene come difendermi da questo gran cornigero. Non crediate che abbia trovato in me uno sciocco Anfitrione, uno stupido Argo con tutti i suoi cento occhiali, un Acrisio codardo, un lanternone come Lico di Tebe, un sognatore come Agenore, un Asopo flemmatico, un Licaone zampapelosa, un Corito balordo di Toscana, un Atlante schienagrande73.
«Egli potrebbe tramutarsi cento volte in cigno, in toro, in satiro, in cuculo – come quando sverginò Giunone sua sorella –, in aquila, in ariete, in piccione – come quando s'invaghì della fanciulla Itia che dimorava in Egio –; in fuoco, in serpente, magari in pulce o in atomi epicureici, o magistronostralmente74, in seconde intenzioni: io lo impicco a un uncino, e sapete, perzio, cosa gli faccio? Quello che fece Saturno a babbo Cielo (Seneca me l'ha predetto e Lattanzio confermato): quello che Rea fece ad Ati: io gli taglio i coglioni rasibus al culo che non gli servirà più nemmeno un peluzzo. Così non diventa papa, perché testiculos non habet75».
«Calma, figliuolo, calma!» disse Pantagruele. «Aprite il libro un'altra volta».
Così fece Panurgo e trovarono queste parole:
orror mi scosse
le membra tutte; e di paura il sangue
mi si rapprese76.
«Questo vuol dire» sentenziò Pantagruele, «ch'essa vi picchierà davanti e didietro».
«Al contrario» obiettò Panurgo, «qui si parla di me e si dice che io la batterò come un tigre, se mi fa andare in bestia. Ci penserà mastro Batacchio. E in mancanza di batacchio, che il diavolo mi addenti le chiappe se non la mangio viva come Camblo re di Lidia mangiò sua moglie».
«Voi siete molto coraggioso» disse Pantagruele. «Nemmeno Ercole oserebbe affrontarvi in tanta furia: si dice che il Gianni vale per due, ed Ercole non osò mai combattere da solo contro più di uno».
«Io Gianni?! Io cornuto contento?!» gridò Panurgo.
«Niente niente» disse Pantagruele, «pensavo al gioco dello sbaraglino e del tric trac»77.
Alla terza prova, il verso del destino diceva:
E come donna vogliolosa e folle
de l'amor de la preda e de le spoglie78.
«Questo denota» disse Pantagruele, «che vostra moglie vi deruberà. E così stando le sorti, eccovi sistemato: sarete cornuto a sette palchi, sarete bastonato, sarete derubato».
«Tutto il contrario» disse Panurgo. «Queste parole vogliono dire ch'essa mi amerà di perfetto amore. La donna che arde d'amore – dice Giovenale, e non sbaglia – prende piacere qualche volta a derubare l'amico suo. Ma sapete di che cosa? Di un guanto, di una stringa, tanto per farlo ammattire a cercare: cose da nulla, niente di importante. Come quelle piccole contese, quelle baruffe che sorgono di quando in quando fra gli amanti e che sono niente altro che pungoli e nuovi lacci d'amore. Così come vediamo talvolta i coltellinai martellare la cote per meglio affilare i coltelli.
«Vedete che ho le mie buone ragioni per prendere i tre presagi a tutto mio vantaggio. Altrimenti ricorro in appello».
«Non si può» disse Pantagruele. «Come attestano i nostri antichi giureconsulti e come chiosa il Baldo (L. ult. C. de leg.), non è ammesso appello contro i decreti resi per Sorte e Fortuna. Questo perché la Fortuna non riconosce superiori ai quali appellarsi contro di lei e contro le sue sorti; e sarebbe come pretendere di integrare il tutto nella parte: cosa impossibile, com'egli dice apertamente nella legge Ait praetor, § ult.ff. de Minor79».
CAPITOLO XIII
Come Pantagruele consiglia Panurgo di prevedere la buona o la mala fortuna del suo matrimonio per via di sogni
«Ora, poiché non andiamo d'accordo nella interpretazione delle sorti virgiliane, scegliamo un'altra specie di divinazione».
«Quale?» chiese Panurgo.
«Buona, antica ed autentica» rispose Pantagruele, «quella dei sogni. Perché sognando nelle condizioni descritte da Ippocrate nel suo libro Dei Sogni, nonché da Platone, Plotino, Giamblico, Sinesio, Aristotele, Senofonte, Galeno, Plutarco, Artemidoro, Daldiano, Erofilo, Quinto Calabro, Teocrito, Plinio, Ateneo ed altri ancora80, l'anima spesso prevede le cose a venire.
«Non c'è bisogno di molte prove. Voi lo potete capire da un esempio che sta sotto gli occhi di tutti. Quando i bambini, ben puliti, bene allattati, ben sazi, dormono profondamente, le nutrici se ne vanno a divertirsi in libertà come autorizzate a fare in quelle ore ciò che loro talenta di più. Similmente la nostra anima, allorché il corpo dorme e la concozione è compiuta in ogni sua parte, la sua presenza non servendo più a nulla fino al risveglio, se ne va a spasso a rivedere la sua patria che è il cielo.
«Là è ammessa all'onore di partecipare alla sua divina e primitiva origine, e là, nella contemplazione di quella infinita sfera di conoscenza il cui centro è dovunque e la circonferenza in nessun luogo (Dio, secondo la dottrina di Ermete Trismegisto), e dove nulla passa, nulla declina e ogni tempo è presente, essa vede non soltanto le cose già trascorse nel divenire di quaggiù, ma quelle future altresì; e ragguagliandone il suo corpo e per mezzo dei sensi ed organi di quello esponendole agli amici, è detta indovina e vaticinatrice.
«Vero è che non le riporta nella stessa purezza in cui le ha vedute, ostandovi l'imperfezione e fragilità carnale dei sensi: così come la luna, che riceve la luce dal sole, non la rimanda a noi tal quale, così brillante, così pura, così viva e ardente come l'ha ricevuta. Perciò si richiede, per queste vaticinazioni oniriche, un interprete che sia abile, saggio, sagace, sperimentato, metodico e, per dirla coi Greci, perfetto onirocrito e oniromante. Eraclito infatti diceva che i sogni non ci rivelano e non ci nascondono nulla: essi ci danno soltanto indizi e premonizioni delle cose a venire, sia fauste od infauste per noi, sia fauste od infauste per altri. Le sacre scritture lo attestano, le storie profane lo confermano, citando una quantità di fatti accaduti a conferma dei sogni, sia a coloro che quei sogni sognarono, sia parimenti ad altri.
«Gli Atlantici e gli abitanti delle isole di Thasos, una delle Cicladi, non godono di questa comodità perché a nessuno nei loro paesi accade mai di sognare. Lo stesso può dirsi di Cleone di Daulia e di Trasimede, che non ebbero mai sogni, e, ai nostri giorni, del dotto francese Villanovano81.
«Domani dunque, sul far del mattino, quando l'aurora dalle rosee dita scaccia davanti a sé lietamente le tenebre della notte, datevi a sognare profondamente, spogliandovi al tempo stesso d'ogni passione umana, amore, odio, speranza, timore. Poiché, come avveniva un tempo al grande vaticinatore Proteo, che quand'era travisato o trasformato in fuoco, in acqua, in tigre, in drago e in altre strane parvenze, mai non predicava le cose a venire, essendo necessario per questo ch'egli rientrasse nella sua forma propria e naturale, così l'uomo non può accogliere messaggi divini ed arte profetica se non quando la parte che in lui è più divina (la mente o nous) non sia quieta, tranquilla, riposata, non occupata né distratta da passioni e sentimenti profani».
«Ci sto» disse Panurgo. «Ma questa sera a cena come dovrò regolarmi nel mangiare? Poco o molto? Perché se non ceno bene e sul serio la notte non dormo quasi niente e faccio sogni vuoti com'è vuoto il mio ventre».
«Non cenare affatto» disse Pantagruele, «sarebbe la cosa migliore, vista la vostra ottima cera e le vostre abitudini. Anfiarao, insigne vaticinatore dell'antichità, voleva che coloro che ricevevano in sogno i suoi oracoli non mangiassero per tutto quel giorno e non bevessero vino a cominciare da tre giorni avanti. Noi tuttavia non ricorreremo ad una dieta così eccessiva e severa. Sono anch'io dell'avviso che l'uomo impinzato di cibi e di crapula difficilmente possa acquistare cognizione di cose spirituali; non sono tuttavia dell'opinione di coloro che si credono di poter penetrare più addentro nella contemplazione delle cose celesti dopo lunghi ed ostinati digiuni.
«Voi ricorderete come mio padre Gargantua, che nomino a titolo d'onore, ci abbia detto più volte che gli scritti di certi eremiti digiunatori sono altrettanto insipidi, vuoti e secchi quanto i loro corpi mentre li componevano; e come difficilmente possano gli spiriti essere forti e sereni quando i loro corpi languono in uno stato di inanizione; visto che, come affermano medici e filosofi, gli spiriti animali scaturiscono, si formano e agiscono mercé il sangue arterioso purificato e affinato a perfezione attraverso il reticolo mirabile che sta alla base dei ventricoli del cervello. E portava ad esempio quel filosofo che credeva di aver trovato la solitudine adatta a meglio meditare, discutere e comporre, allontanandosi dalla folla; ma intanto intorno a lui abbaiavano i cani, ululavano i lupi, ruggivano i leoni, nitrivano i cavalli, barrivano gli elefanti, fischiavano i serpenti, ragliavano gli asini, frinivano le cicale, gemevano le tortorelle, ed egli ne era frastornato più che non sarebbe stato alla fiera di Fontenay o di Niort. Perché, quando il corpo è preda della fame le sue parti reclamano provvedimenti: lo stomaco abbaia, la vista si confonde, le vene ritengono per sé le sostanze destinate ai muscoli e trascinano in basso quello spirito errabondo che trascura le sollecitudini del suo balio ed ospite naturale che è il corpo: non diversamente dal falcone che sta sul pugno del falconiere e che tentando di levarsi a volo cade ancora più giù perché subitamente rattenuto dalle pastoie. Questo diceva mio padre appellandosi all'autorità di Omero, padre di tutti i filosofi, il quale narra che i Greci misero fine al compianto per la morte di Patroclo, il grande amico di Achille, solo al momento e non prima, in cui sentirono il morso della fame e i loro ventri protestarono di non volerli più fornire di lacrime. Perché nei loro corpi, stremati da troppo lungo digiuno, non c'era più di che piangere e lacrimare.
«La moderazione è sempre commendevole e voi la serberete.
«A cena voi non mangerete né fave né lepre né altro genere di carne; non polpi, che voi chiamate polipi, non cavoli82 né altre vivande che possano turbare o offuscare i vostri spiriti animali; perché, come lo specchio non può riflettere i simulacri delle cose che gli son poste davanti e presentare se la sua nitidezza è appannata dal fiato o dall'aria brumosa, egualmente lo spirito non percepisce le forme della divinazione spirante dai sogni se il corpo è inquieto e turbato dai vapori e fumi delle dette vivande, a causa della simpatia fra i due indissolubile.
«Voi mangerete un po' di buone pere crustumine83 e bergamotte, una mela carpendola84, qualche prugnola di Tours e qualche ciliegia del mio verziere. E non avrete motivo di temere che ve ne vengano sogni incerti, fallaci o sospetti, quali sarebbero, secondo alcuni peripatetici, i sogni sognati in tempo d'autunno, cioè quando gli umani si nutrono di frutta più copiosamente che in altre stagioni. Che è ciò che ci insegnano, allegoricamente, anche i profeti e i poeti dell'antichità, dicendo che i sogni vani e fallaci giacciono nascosti sotto le foglie cadute a terra; perché è d'autunno che le foglie cadono dagli alberi. Ma ormai quel fervor naturale che abbonda nei frutti novelli e che, fermentando, facilmente pervade con i suoi vapori le parti animali (come vediamo accadere col mosto) è già da lungo tempo esalato e dissolto85. Da bere avrete l'acqua purissima della mia fontana».
«Le condizioni» disse Panurgo, «mi sembrano un po' durette. Tuttavia ci sto, costi quel che costi. Beninteso che domattina farò colazione di buon'ora, subito dopo i miei insognamenti. Quanto al resto, io mi raccomando alle due porte di Omero, a Morfeo, a Icelone, a Fantasio e Fobetora86. Se essi mi soccorreranno nella bisogna, io erigerò loro un delizioso altare tutto composto di penne matte di prima scelta. Ma se fossi in Laconia, fra Etile e Talame, nel tempio di Ino87, la dea scioglierebbe di certo ogni mia perplessità mandandomi un sonno pieno di sogni bellissimi e lieti».
Detto questo, chiese a Pantagruele:
«Non credete che sarebbe ben fatto se io mettessi qualche ramo di lauro sotto il mio cuscino?»
«Non ce n'è bisogno» disse Pantagruele. «È cosa superstiziosa, e ciò che ne scrivono Serapione d'Asca, Antifone, Filocoro, Artemone e Fulgenzio Planciade non è che imbroglio. Lo stesso diremo della spalla sinistra del coccodrillo e del camaleonte, salvo il rispetto dovuto al vecchio Democrito; lo stesso della pietra dei Battriani chiamata eumece; e lo stesso ancora del corno di Ammone, come chiamano gli Etiopi una pietra del color dell'oro e della forma di un corno d'ariete, com'è il corno di Giove Ammone, affermando che i sogni di coloro che la portano sono veri ed infallibili al par degli oracoli divini.
«Al contrario, può essere credibile ciò che scrivono Omero e Virgilio delle due porte dei sogni, alle quali voi vi raccomandate.
L'una è d'avorio e vi passano i sogni confusi, incerti e fallaci; perché attraverso l'avorio sottile quanto volete, non è possibile vedere alcunché, la sua opacità e densità ostacolando la penetrazione degli spiriti visivi e la ricezione delle specie visibili. L'altra è di corno e per questa passano i sogni certi, veri ed infallibili, perché attraverso il corno, per la sua brillantezza e trasparenza, tutte le specie visibili appaiono chiare e distinte».
«Ho capito» disse frate Giovanni, «voi volete dedurne che i sogni dei becchi cornuti quale sarà Panurgo con l'aiuto di Dio e di sua moglie, sono sempre veri ed infallibili».
CAPITOLO XIV
Il sogno di Panurgo e la sua interpretazione
Il mattino seguente, verso le sette, Panurgo si presentò a Pantagruele. C'erano nella stanza Epistemone, fra Giovanni de' Battitori, Ponocrate, Eudemone, Carpalim e altri e, all'apparire di Panurgo, Pantagruele disse loro:
«Ecco il nostro sognatore».
«Un tempo» disse Epistemone «questa parola portò assai male ai figli di Giacobbe, e la pagarono a caro prezzo»88.
«Già» disse Panurgo: «eccomi proprio a casa di Guglielmo il sognatore89. Ho sognato quanto e più di lui, ma non ci capisco un'acca. Tranne che, nei miei insognamenti, avevo con me una moglie giovane, piena di garbo, bellissima, che mi coccolava e vezzeggiava come fossi il suo gattino prediletto. Mai si vide uomo più contento e più in estasi di me. Mi blandiva, mi titillava, mi pettinava, mi tastava, baciava, abbracciava e, per celia, mi infilava due belle piccole corna sopra la fronte. Io le facevo osservare, scherzando e folleggiando, che avrebbe dovuto mettermele sotto gli occhi, per incornare chi mi paresse prendendo meglio la mira, così che Momo non trovasse da ridire come fece a proposito della posizione delle corna del bue90. La pazzerella, nonostante le mie rimostranze, me le incastrava ancora di più e, cosa ammirevole, senza farmi alcun male. Poco dopo, non so come, mi sembrò di essere diventato un tamburino e lei una civetta.
«A questo punto il sogno si è interrotto e mi sono risvegliato di soprassalto, turbato, perplesso e indignato. Eccovi dunque una bella tegamata di sogni; fatevi voi una bella strippata di questa roba e poi mi dite cosa ne pensate. Andiamo a mangiare, Carpalim».
«Posto che io abbia qualche autorità nell'arte della divinazione» disse Pantagruele, «io la intenderei così: che vostra moglie non vi metterà materialmente e visibilmente le corna sulla fronte, come le hanno i satiri, ma che essa non sarà per voi una moglie fedele e leale. Al contrario, essa se la spasserà con altri e vi farà becco. Questo punto è chiaramente esposto da Artemidoro, esattamente come dico io. Come pure, voi non diventerete, per metamorfosi, tamburino come nel sogno, bensì sarete battuto come un tamburo a una festa di nozze; né lei sarà tramutata in civetta, ma com'è nella natura della civetta, vi deruberà. Vedete dunque che i vostri sogni concordano perfettamente con le sorti virgiliane: voi sarete cornificato, voi sarete bastonato, voi sarete derubato».
E qui frate Giovanni volle dire la sua: «Dice il vero, per Dio! Tu sarai becco, brav'uomo, e avrai corna bellissime, parola mia! Evviva magistro nostro De cornibus! Dio ti conservi! Tira giù un predicozzo alla buona e io ti faccio la questua fra i parrocchiani».
«Tutto sbagliato» disse Panurgo. «Il mio sogno significa che il matrimonio farà piovere in casa mia ogni sorta di beni dal corno dell'abbondanza. Voi dite che saran corna di satiro? ebbene, sia, amen, fiat, anzi fiatur, ad differentiam papae! Così io avrò sempre il vervinello dritto e infaticabile come l'hanno i satiri: grazia che tutti implorano ma che pochi impetrano dal cielo. Di conseguenza, cornuto mai! Giacché son proprio i mancamenti di quello la causa sine qua non, la causa unica e sufficiente che fa di un marito un becco.
«Cos'è che spinge il pezzente a mendicare? Il fatto di non avere in casa di che empirsi la pancia. Che cosa fa uscire il lupo dal bosco? La mancanza di agnelli smarriti. Che cosa spinge una moglie a fare la bagascia? Voi lo capite benissimo, e io me ne appello ai signori presidenti, consiglieri, avvocati, procuratori e ad altri glossatori della venerabile rubrica De frigidis et maleficiatis. A me sembra – e perdonatemi se mi riscaldo – che cadiate in errore evidente facendo tutt'uno del portar corna e dell'essere cornuto. Diana le porta in testa in forma di bella luna crescente, ma è forse cornuta per questo? Come diavolo lo sarebbe se non fu mai maritata? Badate a non mancarle di rispetto, ve ne prego, perché lei sarebbe anche capace di farvi lo stesso trattamento che fece ad Atteone91.
«Similmente portano corna il buon Bacco, Pan, Giove Ammone e molti altri. Son forse tutti quanti teste di becco? E Giunone sarebbe per caso una puttana? Perché a questo si dovrebbe arrivare per via di metalepsi92. Allo stesso modo, se voi chiamate adulterino o bastardo un bambino in presenza dei genitori, è come dire candidamente e tacitamente che il padre è bozzo e la madre sgualdrina. Per cui, precisiamo: le corna che mi piantava mia moglie nel sogno sono altrettante cornucopie, corni dell'abbondanza e seminagione di ogni bene e benedizione: ve lo dico io! E per il resto, sarò più allegro di un tamburo a nozze, sempre rombante, sempre rullante e sempre scoreggiante. La fortuna stavolta è dalla mia: lo so, lo sento. Mia moglie somiglierà per grazie a una bella piccola civettina domestica e sarà altrettanto mansueta. E
fiorin fiorello,
chi non ci crede si impicchi al rastrello».
«Io vorrei soffermarmi» disse Pantagruele, «sull'ultima parte del sogno e porla in relazione con la prima. Da principio, un mare di delizie, e alla fine vi siete risvegliato di soprassalto, contrariato, perplesso e indignato».
«Certamente!» disse Panurgo. «Perché non avevo mangiato!»
«No no. La verità è che tutto andrà di male in peggio, io lo prevedo. State pur certo che ogni sogno che termina di soprassalto e lascia la persona perplessa e indignata, o è sintomo di un male o lo preannuncia.
«È sintomo di un male quando rivela una malattia cachettica, maligna e pestilenziale, la quale, latente all'interno del corpo, comincia, mediante il sonno (che secondo i teoremi della medicina rinforza il potere di concozione) a manifestarsi e a propagarsi verso la superficie: un segnale d'inquietudine che interrompe il riposo e ammonisce il primo sensitivo a risentirsene e a provvedervi; che è quello che si intende quando si dice per proverbio: smuovere le acque, stuzzicare i calabroni, svegliare il can che dorme. Preannuncia un male quando, per mezzo della divinazione spirante dai sogni, l'anima ci fa intendere che il destino tiene in serbo per noi qualche sciagura che non tarderà a manifestarsi.
«Esempio, il sogno con risveglio spaventevole di Ecuba e il sogno di Euridice moglie di Orfeo; dopo i quali sogni, dice Ennio, esse si risvegliarono di soprassalto e piene di terrore. A Ecuba, di lì a poco, toccò di vedere il marito e i figlioli uccisi e la patria distrutta; a Euridice, di morire ben presto e miserabilmente.
«Altro esempio: Enea che, mentre parlava in sogno con il defunto Ettore, si svegliò subitamente di soprassalto. E quella stessa notte Troia fu saccheggiata e incendiata. Un'altra volta, avendo visto in sogno i suoi domestici Lari e Penati, ed essendosi risvegliato in preda allo spavento, ebbe poi a misurarsi sul mare con terribili tempeste.
«Altro esempio: Turno, il quale, eccitato da una spettrale apparizione della Furia infernale a intraprendere la guerra contro Enea, si svegliò di soprassalto, indignato, e fu di poi, dopo molte sciagure, ucciso da quello stesso Enea. E così mille altri.
«Ma, a proposito di Enea, notate che Fabio Pittore dice che niente era stato fatto o intrapreso da lui, niente gli era capitato che egli non avesse già conosciuto e previsto per onirica divinazione. Perché, se il sonno ed il riposo sono un dono e un beneficio speciale degli dèi, come sostengono i filosofi e come attesta il poeta, dicendo
Era ne l'ora
che nel primo riposo hanno i mortali
quel ch'è dal cielo ai loro affanni infuso
opportuno e dolcissimo ristoro93,
tal dono non può finire in turbamento e indignazione senza che ciò presagisca una grande infelicità. Altrimenti sarebbe riposo non riposo, dono non dono, proveniente non già dagli dei amici ma dai diavoli nemici, secondo il comune adagio ἐχθρῶν ἄδωρα δῶρα94.
«Immaginate un padre di famiglia di buon appetito, seduto a una mensa copiosamente imbandita, al principio del pasto, e che d'improvviso si alzi tutto spaventato. Chi non ne conoscesse la causa potrebbe stupirsene. Non così chi sapesse ch'egli ha udito i servi gridare al fuoco, le serve gridare al ladro, i figli gridare all'assassino. Come non lasciare il pranzo? Come non accorrere per portare aiuto e mettere ordine?
«E io ricordo assai bene che i cabalisti e i massoreti, interpreti delle sacre scritture, nell'esporre in che modo si possa, distinguendo, conoscere la veridicità delle apparizioni angeliche (perché spesso l'angelo di Satana si trasfigura in angelo della luce) dicono che la differenza sta in questo, che l'angelo della luce, quando appare all'uomo, dapprima lo spaventa e alla fine lo consola; l'angelo maligno e seduttore invece, sul principio lo rallegra e da ultimo lo lascia turbato, contrariato e perplesso».
CAPITOLO XV
Scusa di Panurgo e spiegazione di una cabala monastica in fatto di manzo salato
«Che Dio protegga chi ben vede e nulla sente» disse Panurgo. «Io vi vedo benissimo, ma non vi sento per nulla. Non so nemmeno di cosa parlate; ventre affamato orecchie non ha. Per Dio! Ho una tal mala rabbia di fame per quattro che fra poco mi udrete bramire. Ho fatto una corvé troppo straordinaria. Per quest'anno, niente più sognerie. Nemmeno Mastro Mosca95 riuscirebbe a farmici cascare.
«Canchero! Farmi saltare la cena a me, per tutti i diavoli! Andiamo, fra Giovanni, andiamo a fare il carico. Quando avrò pasteggiato a dovere e il mio stomaco sarà bene approvvigionato di fieno e di avena, dovesse capitare un affare urgente, o in caso proprio di necessità, potrei anche fare a meno, forse, di sedermi a tavola. Ma saltare la cena! Mai più mai più! Vade retro! È uno scandalo contro natura.
«La natura ha fatto il giorno perché ci occupiamo, lavoriamo e ognuno accudisca agli affari suoi; e per aiutarci a farlo meglio ci provvede di candela cioè della chiara e gioiosa luce del sole. Alla sera comincia a portarcela via e così tacitamente ci ammonisce: "Ragazzi, voi siete brave persone. Avete faticato abbastanza; adesso viene la notte; dovete smettere di lavorare; dovete ristorarvi con il pane del buon Dio, con vino buono e buone vivande; poi spassarvela un poco; poi andarvene a letto a riposare, per essere freschi e lietamente disposti, come ogni mattina, alla fatica della nuova giornata".
«Così fanno i falconieri con i loro uccelli dopo che gli hanno dato da mangiare: non li lanciano in volo con il boccone in gola, ma li lasciano in pace sul trespolo a far la digestione. E così la intendeva quel buon diavolo di papa che istituì per primo i digiuni, ordinando che si digiunasse fino a nona, ma poi, per il resto della giornata, che ognuno mangiasse quello che gli pareva, nel quanto e nel quale.
«Un tempo, solo poche persone desinavano, cioè, direte voi, monaci e canonici (d'altronde, essi non hanno altra occupazione; per loro ogni giorno è festa e tutti osservano diligentemente il proverbio claustrale de missa ad mensam; né aspettano che arrivi l'abate per infornarsi a tavola; lo aspettano sbasoffiando; solo così lo aspettano per quanto tempo piaccia a lui: non altrimenti né in altra occupazione). Ma, quanto a cenare, tutti cenavano, tranne qualche sognatore svanito; donde il termine coena, che vuol dire qualcosa che si fa in comune. Tu lo sai bene, frate Giovanni. Andiamo, amico mio, andiamo, per tutti i diavoli! Il mio stomaco abbaia come un cane per la fame arrabbiata che ha. Buttiamogli in gola un mastello di zuppa per quietarlo, come fece la Sibilla con Cerbero. A te piace la zuppa da mattutino; a me piace di più la zuppa da levriere, quella di lombo di lepre, con dentro qualche tocchetto di lavoratore, salato a nove lezioni»96.
«Capisco» disse frate Giovanni. «Questa metafora l'hai pescata dentro la marmitta claustrale. Il lavoratore è il bue che lavora o ha lavorato; a nove lezioni vuol dire che deve essere cotto a perfezione. Giacché ai miei tempi, i nostri buoni padri e confratelli, in virtù di una certa cabalistica istituzione non scritta ma tramandata, per così dire, di mano in mano, levandosi per andare a mattutino, si davano a certi preamboli degni di nota per accedere al servizio divino mondi di ogni impurità: cacavano nel cacatoio, pisciavano nel pisciatoio, sputavano nello sputacchiatoio, tossivano nel tossitoio assai melodiosamente, fantasticavano nel fantasticatoio. Fatto tutto ciò, si recavano devotamente nella santa cappella (così chiamavano nel loro gergo la cucina claustrale) e devotamente chiedevano che senza indugio fosse messo al fuoco il manzo per la colazione dei religiosi fratelli di Nostro Signore. Spesso accendevano essi stessi il fuoco sotto la marmitta. Ora accadeva che quando il mattutino era di nove lezioni, essi, necessariamente, si alzavano più presto, e il loro appetito e la sete si moltiplicavano in proporzione del loro abbaiare su quelle pergamene, cioè più assai di quando il mattutino si ornava di una lezione soltanto; massimo tre.
«Più presto si levavano, più presto il manzo veniva messo a cuocere; più tempo stava al fuoco, più si cuoceva; più essendo cotto, più tenero diventava; e logorava di meno i denti, dilettava il palato di più, riusciva men grave allo stomaco dei nostri buoni religiosi e li nutriva meglio. Ciò in conformità dell'unico fine e primaria intenzione dei fondatori, considerato che essi non mangiano per vivere: essi vivono per mangiare, e non c'è nulla al mondo che conti più della loro vita. Andiamo, Panurgo».
«Anch'io, adesso» disse Panurgo, «ho capito bene te, coglion mio vellutato, coglioncello claustrale e cabalonico. Intanto però ne va di mezzo la cabala delle mie budella. Ma dal momento che tu ci hai esposto così dottamente questo capitolo singolare della cabala culinaria monastica, vi faccio grazia a tutti delle perdite secche che ho subito, vi condono il capitale, gli interessi e gli interessi degli interessi, e mi accontento di pranzare a vostre spese. Andiamo Carpalim. Frate Giovanni, amico mio, andiamo. Buon giorno a tutti, miei buoni signori. Credo di aver sognato abbastanza per essermi guadagnato da bere. Andiamo!»
Non aveva Panurgo terminato di parlare, che Epistemone, con voce di deplorazione, esclamò:
«Oh quanto è cosa comune e consueta fra gli uomini intendere, prevedere, conoscere e predire il male altrui! E quanto è raro invece che alcuno predica, conosca, preveda e comprenda il suo proprio malanno. E con quanta saggezza lo significò Esopo nei suoi apologhi, dicendo che ogni uomo, nascendo al mondo, porta al collo una bisaccia. Nel sacchetto davanti stanno le colpe e le disgrazie altrui, sempre presenti alla nostra vista e conoscenza; nel sacchetto didietro, le colpe e disgrazie proprie, non viste né conosciute se non da quelli che sono riguardati dal Cielo con occhio benevolo».
CAPITOLO XVI
Come Pantagruele esorta Panurgo a consultarsi con una Sibilla di Panzoust
Qualche tempo dopo Pantagruele mandò a chiamare Panurgo e gli disse:
«L'amore che vi porto inveterato da tanti mai anni mi sollecita a preoccuparmi del vostro bene e del vostro vantaggio. Ascoltate cosa ho pensato. Mi hanno detto che a Panzoust, vicino a Croulay, c'è una Sibilla famosissima che predice tutte le cose future. Prendete con voi Epistemone per compagno; recatevi da lei é state a sentire quello che vi dirà».
«Non sarà per caso» disse Epistemone, «una Canidia, una Sagana97, una pitonessa, una versiera? Ciò che me lo fa pensare è che quel luogo gode di pessima fama: si dice che sia pieno di fattucchiere più della Tessaglia dei tempi antichi. Non ci andrò di buon animo. La cosa è illecita e proibita dalla leggi di Mosè».
«Noi non siamo Ebrei» disse Pantagruele, «e non è detto né accertato che si tratti di una fattucchiera. Rimandiamo al vostro ritorno il vaglio e il setacciamento di queste materie. Cosa ne sappiamo che non sia proprio lei un'undicesima Sibilla98 o una seconda Cassandra? E quand'anche non fosse una Sibilla né di Sibilla meritasse il nome, che rischio correreste mai intrattenendovi con lei sulle vostre perplessità, soprattutto considerando che ad essa si attribuiscono maggior sapere e maggiori facoltà di intendimento di quanto non comporti la dappocaggine della gente del suo paese e del suo sesso? Che danno fa l'apprendere sempre e sempre imparare, foss'anche da uno sciocco, da un allocco, da un piolo, da un cetriolo, da un luccio, da una carpa o da una vecchia scarpa?
«Ricordatevi che Alessandro il Grande, vinto re Dario ad Arbela, una volta, in presenza dei suoi satrapi, rifiutò udienza a un povero diavolo, e poi troppo tardi e mille volte in vano se ne pentì. Egli era in Persia vittorioso, ma tanto lontano dalla Macedonia, suo regno ereditario, e grandemente si contristava di non poter trovare alcun mezzo per avere notizie, sia per l'enorme distanza dei luoghi, sia per l'impedimento dei grandi fiumi, la disagevolezza dei deserti, l'ostacolo delle montagne. Trovandosi egli in tali difficoltà e preoccupazioni che non erano da poco (perché sarebbe stato possibile occupare il suo reame e insediarvi colonie e un nuovo re prima assai tempo ch'egli ne fosse avvertito per potervi porre riparo) si presentò a lui un uomo di Sidonia, mercante esperto ed accorto, ma povero e di meschina apparenza, che annunciò ed assicurò di aver trovato una strada e un espediente per mezzo del quale, in meno di cinque giorni, il suo paese avrebbe avuto notizia delle sue vittorie in India, e lui dell'andamento delle cose in Macedonia e in Egitto. Ma Alessandro trovò la proposta talmente aberrante e inverosimile che non volle in alcun modo prestargli orecchio né concedergli udienza.
«Che cosa gli sarebbe costato ascoltare ed apprendere ciò che l'uomo aveva inventato? Che danno aveva da temere, qual pericolo avrebbe egli corso nell'aver cognizione del cammino che il mercante avrebbe voluto insegnargli? Non senza ragione, mi sembra, la natura ha voluto dotarci di orecchie bene aperte, e non vi ha messo né porta né chiusura alcuna come ha fatto invece per gli occhi, per la lingua e le altre finestre del corpo. E la ragione io credo sia questa: di far sì che noi possiamo udire e giorno e notte continuatamente e, con l'udire continuo, continuamente apprendere, stante che l'udito è fra tutti i sensi il più idoneo ad arricchire la mente di nuove conoscenze. E può anche darsi che quel tale uomo di Sidonia fosse un angelo, cioè un messaggero inviato da Dio ad Alessandro, come già Raffaele a Tobia. Troppo affrettatamente lo disprezzò, troppo lungamente ebbe a pentirsene poi».
«Voi parlate bene» disse Epistemone, «ma non mi darete ad intendere che sia cosa tanto vantaggiosa prendere consiglio ed avviso da una donna, e da una donna di tal fatta in un paese di tal fatta».
«Io per me» disse Panurgo, «non ho di che lagnarmi del consiglio delle donne, soprattutto delle vecchie. Grazie ai loro consigli io vado di corpo tutti i giorni: una o due cacate straordinarie. Credete, amico mio, esse sono dei veri cani da punta, vere rubriche del Diritto99. E parlano assai propriamente coloro che le chiamano sages femmes. Anzi è mio stile e costume chiamarle présages femmes. Sagge lo sono certamente perché ci azzeccano sempre, ma io le chiamo présages perché esse prevedono divinamente e predicono con sicurezza tutto ciò che appartiene al futuro. E qualche volta, invece di chiamarle Malnettes, le chiamo Monètes, come la Giunone dei Romani100; perché da esse ci vengono sempre ammonimenti salutari e profittevoli. Domandatene a Pitagora, a Socrate, a Empedocle e a Mastro Nostro Arduino101. E sul loro esempio io lodo ed esalto fino alle stelle l'antica istituzione dei Germani, i quali tenevano in conto di oracolo e riverivano in tutta devozione il consiglio delle vecchie. Essi, grazie a quei pareri e responsi felicemente prosperavano nella stessa misura in cui li avevano prudentemente osservati: testimoni la vecchia Aurinia e la buona madre Velleda del tempo di Vespasiano102.
«Credete a me, le donne, da vecchie, sono tutte delle grandi protofesse; volevo dire profetesse. E dunque, per la Virtù e con l'aiuto di Dio, andiamo! Addio fra Giovanni, ti raccomando la mia braghetta».
«Bene» disse Epistemone, «io vi seguirò, ma dichiaro fin da ora che, se mi avvedo che la vecchia usa incanti o magia nei suoi responsi, io vi lascio andar soli e vi aspetto sulla porta».
CAPITOLO XVII
Come Panurgo parla alla Sibilla di Panzoust
Essi camminarono per tre giorni. Il terzo giorno fu loro mostrata, sulla groppa di un'alta montagna, sotto un grande e ombroso castagno, la casa della vaticinatrice. Senza difficoltà entrarono in quella capanna dal tetto di paglia, mal costruita, male arredata e tutta affumicata.
«Basta!» disse Epistemone. «Eraclito, grande scotista103 e filosofo tenebroso non si stupì nell'entrare in una casa simile a questa, spiegando ai suoi seguaci e discepoli che anche là potevano risiedere gli dèi, non altrimenti che dentro a palazzi pieni di delizie. E credo che tale fosse anche la casa della tanto celebrata Ècale quand'essa vi accoglieva festosa il giovane Teseo; tale anche quella di Ireo o Enopione, nella quale Giove, Nettuno e Mercurio insieme non disdegnarono di entrare, cibarsi e alloggiare e dove, ospitalmente104, per scotto, fucinarono Orione».
Accoccolata presso il camino, trovarono la vecchia. Al vederla, Epistemone osservò:
«È una vera Sibilla: tale quale la vecchia così ben ritratta da Omero,
che sempre al focolar s'aggira intorno»105.
La vecchia era mal messa, mal vestita mal nutrita, sdentata, cisposa, ingobbita, moccicosa, cadente, e stava facendo una zuppa di cavoli verdi con un pezzo di lardo rancido e un vecchio osso di porco.
«Zio Martire!» esclamò Epistemone. «L'abbiamo fatta buca! Questa qui non ci dirà un bel niente: non abbiamo portato il ramoscello d'oro».
«Ci ho pensato, ci ho pensato io» disse Panurgo. «Ce l'ho qui in saccoccia sotto la specie di un ben tornito anello in compagnia di tanti bei carlini sonanti».
Detto questo, Panurgo la salutò profondamente e le presentò sei lingue di bue affumicate, un vaso da burro pieno di cuscus, una fiasca di buon beveraggio, una coglia di montone piena di carlini freschi di zecca, e poi con una gran riverenza le mise all'anulare un bellissimo anello d'oro nel quale era mirabilmente incastonata una batrachite di Beusse. Quindi, con brevi parole, le espose il motivo della sua visita, pregandola cortesemente di dirgli il suo avviso e predirgli la buona ventura del suo matrimonio.
La vecchia stette qualche tempo in silenzio, pensierosa, digrignando i denti; poi si sedette sul culo di un barile, prese in mano tre vecchi fusi, li girò e rigirò fra le dita in varie maniere, ne saggiò le punte, ritenne il più aguzzo e gettò gli altri due sotto un mortaio da miglio. Prese poi i suoi naspi e li girò nove volte; al nono giro, senza più toccarli, stette ad osservarne i movimenti finché non si fermarono.
Dopo, io vidi che si scalzò di uno dei suoi socchi (noi li chiamiamo zoccoli), si mise il grembiule sulla testa come i preti si mettono l'amitto quando si apprestano a cantar messa, legandolo sotto il mento con una vecchia benda screziata a più colori. Così infagottata, tirò una gran sorsata dalla fiasca, prese tre carlini dalla coglia di montone, li mise in tre gusci di noce e li posò sul culo di un vaso da piume; passò tre volte la scopa sotto il camino e gettò nel fuoco una mezza fascina di erica insieme a un ramoscello di alloro secco. Poi rimase a guardare la fiamma e, notando che tutto bruciava senza crepitio né rumore alcuno, si mise a strillare spaventevolmente e a farfugliare fra i denti parole incomprensibili con strane desinenze; sì che Panurgo si strinse spaventato a Epistemone.
«Virtù di Dio!» diceva. «Mi viene la tremarella. Ho paura di essere ammaliato. Quella non parla cristiano. Non vedete che sembra quattro spanne più alta di prima quando s'incappucciava col grembiale? Che significa quel battere che fa con le ganasce? Perché scuote le spalle a quel modo? A che scopo bofonchia con la barbozza come una scimmia che sgranocchi un gambero? A me mi ronzano le orecchie. Mi par già di sentire il tananai di Proserpina. Tra poco arrivano i diavoli, le brutte bestiacce! Scappiamo, serpente di Dio! Io muoio di paura. E poi i diavoli non mi piacciono affatto. Mi disturbano e sono brutti. Scappiamo.
«Addio, signora. Molte grazie per le vostre gentilezze. No, non mi ammoglierò. No assolutamente. Ci rinuncio: ora come allora».
Così dicendo fece per fuggire; ma la vecchia lo prevenne e con in mano il fuso uscì dal tugurio in un cortile accanto dove sorgeva un antico sicomoro. Essa lo scrollò tre volte e, sopra le otto foglie che ne caddero, tracciò sommariamente dei segni col fuso. Poi gettò al vento le foglie e disse:
«Andatele a cercare se volete; trovatele se potete; là è scritta la sorte fatale del vostro maritaggio».
Dette queste parole, rientrò nella sua tana e sul gradino dell'uscio si tirò su la veste, gonna e camicia, fino alle ascelle, mostrando loro il culo. «Sangue d'un dio del bosco» disse Panurgo a Epistemone, come la vide così. «Guarda lì l'antro della Sibilla!»
Ma la vecchia chiuse prontamente la porta dietro di sé e non la videro più.
Si diedero allora ad inseguir le foglie, che raccolsero a gran fatica perché il vento le aveva disperse fra i cespugli della vallata, e come le ebbero ordinate una dietro l'altra, vi lessero questa sentenza in rima:
Ti sguscerà d'estimazione.
Impregnerà d'altro garzone.
Ti succhierà l'estremità.
Se pur non tutto, ti spellerà.
CAPITOLO XVIII
Come Pantagruele e Panurgo interpretano ciascuno a suo modo i versi della Sibilla
Raccolte le foglie, Panurgo ed Epistemone tornarono alla corte di Pantagruele, contenti e avviliti al tempo stesso: contenti di essere di nuovo a casa, avviliti per la fatica del cammino, che trovarono sassoso, precipite e sconnesso. Essi ragguagliarono ampiamente Pantagruele sul loro viaggio, sull'aspetto e sui modi della Sibilla. Poi gli esibirono le foglie di sicomoro e gli mostrarono i versi che vi erano scritti.
Letti che li ebbe, Pantagruele sospirò profondamente e disse a Panurgo:
«Eccovi cucinato a puntino: la profezia della Sibilla non fa che ripetere apertamente quello che già avevamo appreso sia dalle sorti virgiliane, sia dai vostri stessi sogni; cioè che sarete disonorato da vostra moglie; ch'essa vi farà becco dandosi ad altri e da altri facendosi ingravidare; che vi deruberà di buona parte dei vostri averi; che vi picchierà, scorticando e storpiando qualche parte del vostro corpo».
«Voi» disse Panurgo, «mostrate di intendervi di queste profezie di prima mano quanto una troia s'intende di spezierie. Non vi dispiaccia se ve lo dico, ma la faccenda comincia a rodermi un po'. È vero tutto il contrario di quello che dite voi, e vi prego di seguire attentamente le mie parole.
«Papale papale, la vecchia dice: come non è possibile vedere la fava se prima non è sgusciata, così la perfezione e le grandi virtù di Panurgo non verranno nella giusta estimazione se prima non sarà accasato. Quante volte non vi ho sentito dire che gli uffici rivelano l'uomo e mettono in evidenza ciò ch'egli nascondeva dentro la pancia? Ciò significa che allora si conosce una persona e quel che vale quando essa è chiamata al maneggio degli affari; prima, cioè fintanto ch'essa è rinchiusa nella sua cerchia privata, non si sa di lei più di quanto si sappia di una fava rinchiusa nel suo guscio. Questo per il primo articolo. O vorrete voi sostenere che l'onore e la buona reputazione di una persona dabbene pendono dal culo di una puttana?
«Articolo secondo: mia moglie impregnerà (e qui si parla, badate bene, della felicità primaria del matrimonio) ma non di me. Lo credo bene, perzio! Impregnerà, voglio sperare, di un grazioso piccolo fantolino. Figuratevi! Io lo amo di già come l'avessi in braccio; vado in acqua di viole solo a pensarci: il mio donzellino! Da allora, vi dico io che nessuna avversità di questo mondo, per grande e terribile che sia potrà sconvolgere l'animo mio così profondamente che io non me la butti dietro le spalle al solo vederlo, al solo sentire il mio fantolino che inchecca e barguglia nel suo infantile cinguettio. E benedetta sia la vecchia! Quant'è vero Dio, le voglio costituire nel Guazzettese una buona rendita, e non precaria, come certi assistentelli sorbonicoli insensati, ma ferma e ben piazzata come un reggente titolare in cattedra. O vorreste che mia moglie portasse me nella pancia, concepisse me, partorisse me; e che poi si dicesse che Panurgo è un secondo Bacco; che è nato due volte; che è rinato come Ippolita; e come Proteo, generato prima da Teti e poi dalla madre di Apollonio; o come lo furono i due Palìci presso il fiume Simeto in Sicilia; e ancora si dica che sua moglie era grossa di lui e in lui si è rinnovata l'antica palintochia106 dei Megaresi e la palingenesi di Democrito? Errore, errore! E non parliamone più.
«Il terzo articolo dice che mia moglie mi succhierà l'estremità. Voi capite anche troppo bene che si tratta dell'estremità di quel mattarello a un sol capo che mi ciondola fra le gambe. Io vi prometto e giuro che lo terrò sempre succulento e ben pasciuto, né mai accadrà ch'essa lo succhi invano: vi troverà sempre la sua profenda e anche di più. Voi interpretate allegoricamente questo punto e lo intendete nel senso di latrocinio e azioni furtive. Io lodo l'interpretazione e mi piacciono le allegorie, ma non nel senso che intendete voi in questo caso. Forse, l'affetto sincero che mi portate v'induce a farmi sempre da Bastian contrario, perché, come dicono i chierici, l'amore è cosa meravigliosamente apprensiva e non vi è vero amore senza grande timore. Ma, secondo il mio giudizio, voi, dentro di voi, sapete meglio di me che furto, in questo passo, come in tanti altri di scrittori latini dell'antichità, significa il dolce frutto di Venere che la dea vuole sia colto in segreto e furtivamente. E perché, in fede vostra? Ma perché la faccenduola, fatta di sfuggita, fra le due porte, su per le scale, dietro un paravento, gatton gattoni, su di un mucchio di fascine, piace alla dea ciprigna (e io lo dico senza pregiudizio di qualche idea migliore) più assai che non le piaccia quando la si fa in piena luce alla cinica, e al riparo di ricchi canopei, fra cortine dorate di fastosi padiglioni, a lunghi intervalli, con tutto comodo, con veli di seta cremisina che vi proteggono dagli insetti, o scacciando le mosche con pennacchi di piume indiane, mentre la femmina si pulisce i denti con la pagliuzza strappata, nell'attesa, di sotto il pagliericcio.
«O pensate per caso ch'essa mi deruberà succhiando, come si succhiano le ostriche dal guscio, o come, secondo Dioscoride, le donne di Cilicia raccolgono le bacche di alchermes? Errore. Chi deruba non succhia e non inghiotte; semplicemente arraffa, gioca di mano, intasca e svicola.
«Il quarto punto dice che mia moglie mi spellerà, ma non del tutto. Parole sante! Voi le intendete come presagio di percosse e offese sulla mia pelle. Se l'avete indovinata, Dio protegga l'indovino. Ma sgombrate, vi prego, la mente da codesti pensieri terra terra. Innalzate lo spirito alla contemplazione dei prodigi sublimi della natura e ravvedetevi degli errori commessi interpretando in senso maligno i detti profetici della Sibilla.
«Dato, ma non ammesso né concesso, il caso che mia moglie, per istigazione del nemico luciferino, volesse e tentasse di giocarmi un brutto tiro, di sputtanarmi, di mettermi le corna fin nel culo, di derubarmi e farmi oltraggi maneschi, essa fallirebbe lo scopo ne mai verrebbe a capo di una simile impresa. La ragione che in ciò mi rassicura risiede proprio in quest'ultimo punto ed è ricavata dal fondo della panteologia monastica. Me l'ha spiegato una volta frate Arturo Scotichiappe, mentre ci spartivamo a colazione uno staio di polpette di vitello. Era di lunedì e pioveva che Dio la mandava. Me ne ricordo bene, che Dio lo benedica.
«Al principio del mondo o poco dopo, mi spiegò, le donne, tutte insieme si misero d'accordo di scorticar vivi gli uomini perché questi volevano spadroneggiare su di loro sempre e dappertutto. Il patto fu stretto, giurato e rigiurato sul sacro sangue di Dio. Ma, oh vane imprese delle donne! Oh fragilità del sesso femminile! Esse cominciarono a scorticare l'uomo – a gluberlo, come dice Catullo107 – dalla parte che le stuzzica di più, cioè a dire dal membro nervoso e cavernoso108. E in più di seimila anni che si danno da fare sono riuscite appena a scoperchiarne la testa. Onde, per sottile vendetta, gli Ebrei, in circoncisione, se lo scoperchiano e ritagliano da soli, preferendo esser chiamati marrani recutiti109, piuttosto che farsi scorticare dalle donne come le altre genti. Mia moglie, tenendo fede all'antico patto giurato, son certo che me lo spellerà. E io vi acconsentirò ben volentieri. Ma non tutto me lo spellerà, mio buon re, ve lo assicuro».
«Ma voi» disse Epistemone «avete taciuto sul fatto che il ramo di lauro, sotto i nostri occhi, mentre la vecchia lo guatava urlando spaventosamente, bruciò e si incenerì senza alcun sibilo né crepitio. E voi sapete che questo è un triste presagio, un segno di inenarrabile calamità come attestano Properzio, Tibullo, nonché Porfirio, filosofo sottile, ed Eustazio nel suo commento all'Iliade di Omero, per tacere di altri». «Veramente» replicò Panurgo, «voi mi citate delle graziose teste di vitello. Essi furono tutti pazzi come poeti e acchiappanuvole come filosofi; pieni della più raffinata demenza come appunto la loro filosofia».
CAPITOLO XIX
Come Pantagruele loda il consiglio dei muti
Terminati questi discorsi, Pantagruele rimase a lungo in silenzio e pensieroso. Poi disse a Panurgo:
«Lo spirito maligno vi seduce, ma ascoltate. Ho letto che nel passato gli oracoli più veritieri e sicuri non erano quelli resi per iscritto o a viva voce; molte volte vi si sono ingannati anche gli interpreti reputati più accorti ed ingegnosi, sia a causa delle anfibologie, ambiguità e oscurità delle parole, sia per la brevità delle sentenze: ed è per questa ragione che Apollo, dio della vaticinazione, fu soprannominato Loxias, vale a dire obliquo e contorto. Erano invece ritenuti più veritieri gli oracoli espressi per gesti e per segni, e questa era anche l'opinione di Eraclito. Così vaticinava Giove Ammone; così Apollo fra gli Assiri; per questo lo dipingevano con una lunga barba, come un vecchio di antica saggezza, e non ignudo, giovane e senza barba come lo dipingevano i Greci. Seguiamo anche noi questa strada, e per segni, senza parole prendete consiglio da un qualche mutolo».
«Sono d'accordo» disse Panurgo.
«Ma» soggiunse Pantagruele, «converrebbe che questo muto fosse nato sordo e per conseguenza muto di nascita, perché non c'è muto più genuino di quello che mai non udì».
«Come sarebbe?» disse Panurgo. «Se fosse vero che l'uomo il quale mai non intese parola per ciò stesso non parla, io vi condurrei, per logica conseguenza, a ricavarne una proposizione del tutto aberrante e paradossale. Ma lasciamola lì. Voi però non credete nemmeno a quello che scrive Erodoto, di due bambini che Psammetico, re di Egitto, fece rinchiudere in una casa ed allevare in perpetuo silenzio e che, dopo un certo tempo pronunziarono la parola becus, che in lingua frigia significa pane».
«Niente di meno credibile» disse Pantagruele. «È un errore credere che noi possediamo un linguaggio naturale: le lingue provengono da istituzioni arbitrarie e convenienze dei popoli. Le voci non hanno un senso determinato per natura, ma per volere ed arbitrio dei mortali. Racconta il Bartolo (1. prima de verb. oblig.)110 che ai suoi tempi viveva in Gubbio un tale messer Nello de Gabriellis, il quale, per accidente, era diventato sordo; e ciononostante intendeva alla perfezione chiunque parlasse Italiano (per quanto segretamente parlasse) soltanto alla vista dei gesti e dei movimenti delle labbra. E ho letto ancora in un autore dotto ed elegante che Tiridate, re di Armenia, visitando Roma ai tempi di Nerone, fu accolto con grandi onori e pompa solenne onde legarlo di perenne amicizia al senato ed al popolo romano; e non vi fu cosa mirabile nella città che non gli fosse mostrata ed illustrata. Alla partenza, l'imperatore lo ricolmò di preziosi e strabocchevoli doni, invitandolo poi a scegliere quello che in Roma gli piacesse di più, con promessa giurata di non ricusarglielo qualunque cosa chiedesse. Il re chiese soltanto un mimo che aveva visto recitare certe farse a teatro, adducendo che nel suo dominio vivevano popoli di lingue diverse, e che per parlare e rispondere a tutti gli bisognavano una quantità di turcimanni111; laddove un uomo come quello sarebbe bastato lui solo. Perché allo spettacolo, spiegò, lui, Tiridate, pur non essendo riuscito a cogliere una sola parola, aveva capito tutto lo stesso, tanta era la bravura dell'attore nel significare per gesti: un'abilità così straordinaria da far credere che parlasse con le dita.
«Vi converrà pertanto scegliere un muto» concluse Pantagruele, «che sia sordo di natura, affinché i suoi segni, i suoi gesti siano davvero e ingenuamente profetici: non finti, calcolati e artificiosi. Resta tuttavia da decidere se preferite affidarvi al responso di una donna oppure a quello di un uomo».
«Io» disse Panurgo, «mi affiderei volentieri a una donna, se non fosse che temo due cose.
«La prima è che le donne, qualunque cosa vedano, si figurano nella loro testa, pensano, congetturano che sia l'apparizione del sacro Itifallo112. Qualunque gesto, segno o mossa che si faccia in loro presenza, esse l'interpretano come allusione al va e vieni del burattamento amoroso. Così saremmo indotti in errore, perché la donna intenderebbe tutti i nostri segni come inviti ai piaceri di Venere. Ricordatevi di quello che avvenne a Roma nell'anno 260 ab urbe condita. Un giovane gentiluomo romano incontrò sul Monte Celio una matrona chiamata Veronica, sordomuta di nascita e, nell'ignoranza di questa sua sordità, le chiese, con gesticolazioni all'italiana, quali senatori avesse incontrato per via nel salire. La donna non capì quello che lui intendeva e immaginò ch'egli intendesse ciò che aveva in mente lei: quello cioè che un uomo giovane suol chiedere naturalmente ad una donna. Allora, con segni d'intesa, che in amore sono di gran lunga più cattivanti, efficaci e convincenti delle parole, lo trasse in disparte a casa sua e gli fece capire che il gioco le andava a genio. In conclusione, senza far motto di bocca, fecero un bel dibattito di culo.
«L'altro mio timore è che esse non diano risposta alcuna ai nostri segni, ma si lascino subito cadere all'indietro come ovviamente consenzienti alle nostre tacite richieste. Che se poi facessero segni di risposta alle nostre proposizioni, essi sarebbero così stravaganti e ridicoli che anche noi a nostra volta li penseremmo dettati da consigli di Venere. Voi sapete che, a Croquignole, quando la monachella suor Naticuta fu ingravidata dal giovane questuante del convento frate Lometto e, scopertasi la gravidanza, fu chiamata dalla badessa e accusata di incesto in pieno capitolo, essa si scusò dicendo che il fatto non era accaduto per suo consenso, ma per la forza e la violenza del frate. E come la badessa replicava dicendo: "Miserabile, eravate nel dormitorio. Perchè non hai gridato a tutta forza, che tutte saremmo accorse in tuo aiuto?", lei rispose che non aveva osato gridare perché in dormitorio è prescritto il silenzio perpetuo.
«"Ma perché, sciagurata" disse ancora la badessa, "non hai fatto dei segni alle tue vicine di camera?"
«"Io" lamentò suor Naticuta, "ho fatto segno col culo più che potevo, ma nessuna è accorsa".
«"Ma allora, o scellerata, perché non venisti a dirmelo subito e a confessare tutto regolarmente? Così avrei fatto io per dimostrare la mia innocenza, se fosse capitato a me".
«"Si, ma io temevo di essere in peccato mortale e in stato di dannazione" protestò la Naticuta, "e avevo una gran paura di morire all'improvviso. Così mi sono confessata con lui prima che se ne andasse, e lui mi diede per penitenza di non dirlo né confidarlo ad alcuno. Troppo grave peccato sarebbe stato, e troppo detestabile davanti a Dio e agli angeli, far parola della propria confessione. E se il fuoco del Cielo avesse incenerito tutta l'abbazia e noi tutte fossimo precipitate nell'abisso insieme a Dathan e Abiron?113"».
«Non riuscirete a farmi ridere» disse Pantagruele. «Lo so benissimo che in tutta la monacheria si ha minor timore di trasgredire i comandamenti di Dio che gli statuti provinciali. Scegliete dunque un uomo. Nasodicapra mi pare adatto: è sordomuto dalla nascita».
CAPITOLO XX
Come Nasodicapra risponde a Panurgo per segni
Nasodicapra fu mandato a chiamare e arrivò l'indomani. Al suo arrivo Panurgo gli donò un vitello grasso, un mezzo maiale, due botticelle di vino, una misura di grano e trenta franchi in moneta spicciola. Poi lo condusse davanti a Pantagruele e in presenza dei gentiluomini di camera gli fece questo segno: sbadigliò a lungo, e intanto, col pollice della mano destra formava davanti alla bocca, con rapide iterazioni, la figura della lettera greca tau. Poi levò gli occhi e li ruotava dentro le orbite come una capra che abortisce; al tempo stesso tossiva e sospirava profondamente. Fatto questo, mostrò ch'era senza braghetta; poi, impugnato ben bene, sotto la camicia, il suo pistolese, lo agitava, facendolo schioccare melodiosamente fra le cosce; quindi si chinò piegando il ginocchio sinistro e restò con le braccia conserte sul petto.
Nasodicapra lo guardò curiosamente, poi levò in aria la mano sinistra serrandone a pugno tutte le dita, tranne il pollice e l'indice, che congiunse ad anello blandamente, unghia contr'unghia.
«Ho capito cosa intende» disse Pantagruele, «quel segno denota maritaggio, e inoltre, secondo la dottrina dei Pitagorici, il numero trentenario. Voi vi ammoglierete».
«Gran mercé» disse Panurgo, volgendosi a Nasodicapra, «gran mercé, mio piccolo maestro di cantina, mio capociurma, mio aguzzino, mio sbirro, mio bargello». E il muto levò ancora più in alto la mano sinistra con tutte le dita aperte a ventaglio quanto più poteva.
«Adesso» disse Pantagruele, «egli vuol dire ancor più chiaramente, mediante il simbolo quinario, che prenderete moglie. E non solo sarete fidanzato, sposo e marito, ma vivrete con lei nella stessa casa e avrete festa lunga. Perché Pitagora chiamava il numero quinario numero nuziale, cioè significante nozze e consumazione del matrimonio, per la ragione che esso è composto di una Triade, che è numero primo dispari e soverchio, e di una Diade, che è numero primo, pari, paragonabile all'accoppiamento di un maschio e di una femmina. Infatti, nella Roma antica, il giorno delle nozze si accendevano cinque fiaccole di cera; e non era permesso accenderne una di più, fossero pure le nozze dei più ricchi, né una di meno, fossero pure le nozze dei più poveri. Ancora: nel passato, i pagani imploravano per gli sposi cinque dèi, oppure un solo dio con cinque attribuzioni: Giove, dio delle nozze, Giunone, patrona della festa, Venere la bella, Pitho, la dea della persuasione e del bel parlare, e Diana soccorritrice nel travaglio del parto».
«O il gentil Nasodicapra!» esclamò Panurgo. «Io gli voglio far dono di una fattoria a Cinais e di un mulino a vento a Myrebalays».
A questo punto il muto, voltandosi a sinistra, starnutò con insigne veemenza e grande scotimento di tutto il corpo.
«Sacravento!» gridò Pantagruele. «Che diavolo succede? Questo non va per nulla a vostro vantaggio. Anzi denota che il vostro matrimonio sarà infelice ed infausto. Lo starnuto, secondo la dottrina di Terpsione, è il demone di Socrate: fatto a destra significa che si può, con sicurezza e audacia, perseguire il proprio progetto e andare là dove si è stabilito, ché l'inizio, il seguito e il risultato saranno buoni; fatto a sinistra vuol dire il contrario».
«Voi» disse Panurgo, «tirate sempre al peggio tutte le cose e seminate il panico come un novello Davo114. Io non vi credo per niente e non ho mai sentito nominare quel miserabile Terpsione se non per le sue cantonate».
«Tuttavia» osservò Pantagruele, «Cicerone ne dice non so cosa nel secondo libro del De Divinatione»115.
Panurgo si volse allora a Nasodicapra con altri segni: rovesciò le palpebre verso l'alto, torse le mandibole da destra a sinistra e sfoderò la lingua a metà. Fatto questo, aprì la mano sinistra, ad eccezione dell'indice, che tenne perpendicolare alla palma, e la mise così in mostra al posto della braghetta: chiuse la destra a pugno, salvo il pollice che puntò all'indietro sotto l'ascella destra per poi poggiarlo nel punto che gli Arabi chiamano alkatim, ovverossia l'osso sacro. Subito dopo invertì il ruolo delle due mani atteggiando e situando la sinistra come già la destra e viceversa, e tale avvicendamento ripeté nove volte. Alla nona, rimise le palpebre in posizione normale e così la lingua e le mascelle. Poi gettò uno sguardo bieco su Nasodicapra, sbattendo le labbra come fanno le scimmie in riposo o i conigli quando brucano l'avena affastellata.
Allora Nasodicapra levò in aria la mano destra tutta aperta, ne mise il pollice, fino alla prima articolazione, tra la terza giuntura del medio e dell'anulare, che strinse fortemente attorno al dito prigioniero, serrandone le estremità sul palmo della mano e distendendo l'indice ed il mignolo. Mise quindi la mano così atteggiata sull'ombelico di Panurgo, agitando il pollice di continuo, e appoggiando la mano sul mignolo e sull'indice come su due gambe. Così portò a passeggio quella mano sul ventre e, via via, sullo stomaco, il petto ed il collo di Panurgo; poi sul mento, e gli mise il dito grosso in bocca sempre agitandolo; poi gli stropicciò il naso e, giunto all'altezza degli occhi, mostrava di volerglieli cacciare col pollice. A tanto, Panurgo montò in collera e cercò di liberarsi e schermirsi dal muto, ma questi continuava, con quel suo pollice in movimento, a rovistargli ora gli occhi, ora la fronte, ora l'orlo del berretto. Finché Panurgo si mise a gridare:
«Per Dio, mastro matto, ti picchio se non la pianti. La vedi questa mano? Te ne faccio un bel mascherone sulla tua brutta faccia, sai!»
«È sordo» disse frate Giovanni. «Non lo sente quello che dici, coglione. Prova a fargli un segno, magari una gragnuola di cazzotti sul grugno».
«Ma cosa diavolo vuol darci ad intendere questo demente d'un mirabolano?» gridava Panurgo. «Mi ha quasi mantecato gli occhi nel burro nero. Per Dio, lasciatemi bestemmiare. Vuoi vedere che ti servo una doppia portata di rovescioni con doppio contorno di manrovesci?». E lo respinse liberandosi di lui con una gran spernacchiata di congedo.
Ma il muto, vedendo che Panurgo indietreggiava, lo sopravvanzò e lo fermò di prepotenza, ricominciando a far segni. Abbassò il braccio verso il ginocchio tenendolo ben teso e serrando a pugno le dita col pollice infilato fra l'indice ed il medio. Poi, con la mano sinistra, prese a massaggiarsi la parte interna del gomito destro, e a poco a poco, come per effetto del massaggio, alzava la mano destra fino all'altezza del gomito e anche più su, poi a un tratto la lasciava ricadere come prima; la rialzava e la riabbassava a intervalli, su e giù, su e giù, sotto il naso di Panurgo.
Panurgo, ormai fuori dei gangheri, alzò il pugno per colpire il sordomuto, ma poi, per riguardo a Pantagruele lì presente, se ne astenne. Allora Pantagruele disse:
«Se vi irritano tanto i segni, ben più vi irriteranno i fatti che i segni presagiscono. La verità concorda con la verità. Il muto sostiene e dichiara che sarete ammogliato, cornuto, bastonato e derubato».
«Quanto al prender moglie» disse Panurgo, «sono d'accordo, ma contesto tutto il rimanente. E vi prego di farmi il piacere di credere che in fatto di donne e di cavalli, nessuno al mondo avrà mai tanta fortuna quanta ne è stata destinata a me».
CAPITOLO XXI
Come Panurgo prende consiglio da un vecchio poeta francese chiamato Raminagrobis
«Mai nella vita avrei creduto» disse Pantagruele, «di poter incontrare un uomo così ostinato nelle sue opinioni come siete voi. Tuttavia io continuo a credere che per chiarire i vostri dubbi valga la pena di provarle tutte. Ascoltate la mia idea. I cigni, che sono uccelli sacri ad Apollo, non cantano mai se non all'appressarsi della morte; soprattutto i cigni del fiume Meandro in Frigia (e lo dico perché Eliano ed Alessandro Myndio scrivono di averne visti morire parecchi in altri luoghi, ma nessuno che morendo cantasse), sicché il canto del cigno è presagio sicuro della sua morte imminente, ed esso non muore se non abbia prima cantato. Similmente i poeti, che sono sotto la protezione di Apollo, all'approssimarsi della morte, diventano solitamente profeti e cantano per ispirazione apollinea, vaticinando intorno agli eventi futuri.
«Inoltre, ho sentito dire che ogni uomo, quando è vecchio, decrepito e prossimo alla fine, facilmente presagisce i casi a venire; e ricordo che Aristofane, in qualche sua commedia, chiama i vecchi Sibille:
ὁ δὲ γέρων σιβνυλλια.
«Perché così come noi, scorgendo da riva i naviganti sopra i loro battelli in alto mare, altro non possiamo che guardarli in silenzio facendo voti per il loro fortunato approdo, ma poi, quando accostano al molo, li salutiamo con gesti e con parole e ci felicitiamo con loro che sono giunti incolumi fra noi al porto della salvezza; anche gli angeli, gli eroi, i dèmoni benigni (secondo la dottrina dei platonici) vedendo gli umani avvicinarsi alla morte come a porto sicuro e salutare, luogo di riposo e di pace, lontano dai turbamenti e dalle ansie terrene, li salutano, li consolano, parlano con loro e già cominciano ad infondere in essi l'arte della divinazione.
«Io non vi allegherò gli esempi antichi delle predizioni di Isacco, di Giacobbe, di Patroclo a Ettore, di Ettore ad Achille, di Polinestore ad Agamennone e ad Ecuba, di quel moribondo di Rodi celebrato da Posidonio116, dell'indiano Calano ad Alessandro il Grande, di Orode a Mesenzio117 ed altri; solamente vi voglio ricordare il dotto e prode cavaliere Guglielmo du Bellay118, il fu signor di Langey, il quale morì sul monte Tarare il 10 gennaio dell'anno climaterico della sua vita, cioè del 1543, secondo il nostro modo di datazione conforme il calendario romano. Le ultime tre o quattro ore che precedettero la sua morte egli le impiegò a predirci, con parole vigorose e con animo tranquillo e sereno quello che dopo abbiamo veduto in parte e in parte aspettiamo di vedere, nonostante che, per allora, quelle profezie ci sembrassero piuttosto strane ed aberranti, non apparendoci al momento alcuna causa e segno premonitore di ciò ch'egli andava preconizzando.
«Ebbene, noi abbiamo qui, nei pressi di Villaumère, un uomo e vecchio e poeta, quel Raminagrobis che sposò in seconde nozze la grande Guorre, da cui nacque la bella Basoche119. Ho inteso dire che ormai è in articulo mortis e sta vivendo i suoi ultimi istanti. Recatevi da lui e ascoltate il suo canto. Può darsi che ne riceviate quello che andate cercando e che Apollo, per suo tramite, risolva i vostri dubbi».
«Mi sta bene e lo farò» disse Panurgo. «Andiamo, Epistemone, andiamo senza perdere tempo, perché non vorrei che la morte arrivasse prima di noi. Vuoi venire anche tu, frate Giovanni?»
«Lo voglio» disse frate Giovanni, «e ben volentieri, coglioncello, per amor tuo. Lo sai che ti amo dal profondo del fegato».
Immediatamente si misero in cammino, giunsero alla poetica dimora, trovarono il buon vecchio in agonia con lieto contegno, viso aperto, sguardo luminoso.
Panurgo, salutandolo, gli mise all'anulare della mano sinistra, come semplice dono, un anello d'oro recante nel castone uno zaffiro orientale grande e bello; poi, a imitazione di Socrate, gli offrì un bel gallo bianco120, il quale non appena posato sul letto, alzò la testa con grande vivacità, scosse le penne, e cantò a gola spiegata.
Fatto questo, Panurgo pregò il poeta di esporgli la sua opinione sui dubbi che lo tormentavano riguardo al sospirato maritaggio.
Il buon vecchio ordinò che gli portassero penna, carta e calamaio. Il tutto gli fu apprestato prontamente ed egli scrisse così:
Sposati tosto, sposala mai.
Se ti sposi, ben fatto avrai.
Se non ti sposi per niente,
avrai fatto ottimamente.
Vai di galoppo, ma passo passo.
Alza la posta, tieniti basso.
Tienti digiuno, mangia per quattro.
Disfai, rifai ciò che hai disfatto.
Vita e trapasso le augurerai.
Sposala tosto, sposala mai.
Poi diede loro il foglio e disse:
«Andate, figlioli, nella grazia del gran Dio dei cieli, e non state più a frastornarmi con questo affare o con altro. In questo giorno, che è l'ultimo del mese di maggio e mio, ho cacciato dalla mia casa, con gran fatica e difficoltà, un branco di immonde, schifose e pestifere bestiacce: nere, screziate, fulve, bianche, cenerine, maculate121, le quali non volevano lasciarmi morire in pace; e con punture fraudolente, unghiate da Arpie, e molestie da calabroni forgiate in non so quale officina di insaziabilità, mi strappavano al dolce pensiero in cui riposavo, già toccando e gustando il bene e la felicità che il buon Dio ha preparato ai suoi fedeli ed eletti nell'altra vita e nello stato di immortalità. Allontanatevi dal loro cammino, non siate simili a loro, non molestatemi più e lasciatemi nel silenzio, ve ne supplico».
CAPITOLO XXII
Come Panurgo difende l'ordine dei frati mendicanti
Uscendo dalla stanza di Raminagrobis, Panurgo aveva l'aria di una persona spaventata.
«Virtù di Dio!» cominciò a dire. «Io credo proprio che costui sia un eretico. Dò l'anima al diavolo se non lo è. Osa dir male dei buoni padri mendicanti, cordiglieri e giacobini, che sono i due emisferi della Cristianità e, per la girognomica circumbilicoinvaginazione dei quali, come per due filipenduli cielivagi, tutto l'antonomatico mattobischizzo della Chiesa romana, quando si sente imberliccuccata da qualche zirigogolo di errore o di eresia, omocentricamente si riscuote. Ma per tutti i diavoli, che cosa gli hanno fatto quei poveri cristi di cappuccini e di minimi? Non sono già abbastanza mortificati quei poveracci? Non sono già abbastanza affumicati e profumati di miseria e calamità i meschinelli, veri campioni di Ittiofagia? Sulla tua fede, frate Giovanni, credi tu ch'egli sia in stato di salvazione? Quello se ne va, perdio, dannato come un serpente, a trentamila corbe di vecchi diavoli. Dir male così di quei buoni e valorosi pilastri della Chiesa! E lo chiamate furore poetico! Io, per me, non ci casco, non mi convince. Per me pecca di brutto e bestemmia la religione. Io ne sono fortemente scandalizzato».
«E a me» disse frate Giovanni, «non me ne importa un bottone. Quelli sparlano di tutti, e se tutti sparlano di loro il conto torna. Vediamo cosa ha scritto».
«Farnetica, l'ubriacone!» disse Panurgo, letto che ebbe attentamente le parole del buon vecchio. «Ma io lo scuso. Dev'essere ridotto proprio al lumicino. Sarà meglio fargli l'epitaffio. Con la risposta che ci ha dato, io sono diventato un uomo così sapiente che mai ne fu sfornato l'uguale. Senti qua, Epistemone, pancione mio. Non ti sembra ben risoluto nelle sue risposte? Perdio! Questo qui è un gran sofista, sottile e ingegnoso. Scommetto che è un marrano. Ventre d'un bue! Non vedi come fa attenzione a stare sul sicuro? Lui risponde soltanto per disgiuntive, perché così, basta che sia vera una delle due, e lui ha salvato la faccia. Che imbroglione! Per San Giacomo di Compostella, possibile che se ne trovino ancora di quella razza?».
«Ma» rispose Epistemone, «anche Tiresia, il grande vaticinatore, si premuniva così, al principio di tutte le sue divinazioni, dichiarando a coloro che andavano ad interrogarlo: "Quello che io dirò avverrà o non avverrà". È lo stile di tutti gli indovini».
«Ciononostante» disse Panurgo, «Giunone, a Tiresia, gli cavò gli occhi».
«È vero» replicò Epistemone, «ma fu per dispetto, perché lui aveva sentenziato meglio di lei su una questione proposta da Giove».
«Ma» insistette Panurgo, «da che specie di diavolo è invasato costui, questo mastro Raminagrobis, che così a vanvera, senza ragione e senza occasione, va denigrando i poveri beati padri giacobini, minori e minimi? Io ne sono grandemente scandalizzato, ve l'assicuro; e non posso tenermi dal parlarne. Ha peccato orribilmente, e la sua anima122 corre dritta dritta in bocca a trentamila carrettate di vecchi diavoli».
«Io proprio non vi capisco» disse Epistemone. «Siete voi piuttosto che mi scandalizzate sul serio, attribuendo perversamente ai frati mendicanti ciò che il buon poeta diceva delle bestiacce nere, fulve, maculate eccetera. Lui, secondo me, non parlava per allegoria e non la intendeva affatto in questo vostro senso sofistico e fantasioso. Lui parlava propriamente di pulci, cimici, pellicelli, mosche, tafani ed altri insetti del genere, dei quali alcuni sono neri, altri fulvi, altri bruni, o marrone, o screziati: tutti importuni, tirannici e molesti, non soltanto ai malati, ma anche alle persone sane e vigorose. E può anche darsi ch'egli abbia degli ascaridi, dei lombrichi, dei vermi dentro nel corpo. O magari (cosa comunissima in Egitto o nei paesi del mare Eritreo) è afflitto da qualche puntura, alle braccia o alle gambe, di quei piccoli vermetti picchiettati che gli Arabi chiamano vene di Medina.
«Voi fate male a dare alle sue parole un significato diverso dal vero: fate torto a lui denigrandolo, e ai frati imputando loro simili molestie. Le azioni e le parole del nostro prossimo noi dobbiamo sempre intenderle nel senso migliore».
«Bravo!» esclamò Panurgo. «Insegnatemi a distinguere le mosche nel latte! Dio non è Dio se quello non è eretico: eretico finito, eretico rognoso, eretico da bruciare come un piccolo bell'orologio123. E la sua anima se ne andrà a trentamila bigonce di vecchi diavoli. E sapete dove, precisamente? Sotto la seggetta di Proserpina, perdio! Dentro il serviziale d'inferno, dov'essa sgronda il prodotto fecale dei suoi clisteri, sul lato sinistro del gran calderone, a tre tese all'incirca dalle grinfie di Lucifero, tirando verso la camera nera di Demogorgone. Oh il brutto ceffo!»
CAPITOLO XXIII
Come Panurgo considera se ritornare o no da Raminagrobis
«Torniamo da lui» proseguì Panurgo, «andiamo, in nome di Dio, ad ammonirlo per la sua salvezza. Virtù di Dio! Sarà un'opera di carità per lui e meritoria per noi. Almeno, se perde il corpo e la vita, che non si danni l'anima!
«Noi lo indurremo a pentirsi dei suoi peccati, ad implorare il perdono dei beati padri minori e minimi, assenti e presenti (del che stenderemo atto formale, affinché, dopo morto, non lo dichiarino eretico e dannato, come fecero i farfarelli con la moglie del prevosto di Orléans) e a dar loro soddisfazione dell'oltraggio, destinando ai conventi elemosine a iosa; ordinando messe, funerali, trigesime a non finire, e disponendo che tutti, in perpetuo, nel giorno anniversario della sua morte, abbiano pietanza quintupla; e che la fiasca, piena del migliore, trotti di schiera in schiera per tutte le tavolate: dei lettori, dei laici, dei questuanti, dei preti, dei chierici, dei novizi e dei professi. Così potrà avere il perdono di Dio.
«Ma io mi inganno, io mi smarrisco nei miei discorsi. Che il diavolo mi porti se torno là dentro. Virtù di Dio! La stanza è già piena di diavoli. E già li sento accapigliarsi diavolescamente a chi dovrà succhiarsi l'anima raminogrobidica, a chi per primo e in men che non si dica dovrà servirla a monsignor Lucifero. Levatevi di là! Io non ci vado. Il diavolo mi porti se ci vado. Perché poi non è mica detto che quelli non fingano un qui pro quo e invece di Raminagrobis non agguantino il povero Panurgo, adesso che sono in pari coi debiti. Già ci han provato una volta quand'ero tutto giallo124 e indebitato. Tiratevi indietro. Io non ci vado, perdio! Son qui che muoio già dalla paura. Perché a me la paura mi prende alla strozza. Trovarsi in mezzo a una corvé di diavoli indaffarati, di diavoli affamati! Via via, andiamo via! Scommetto che alla sua sepoltura non assisterà neppure un giacobino, né un cordigliere, né un carmelitano, né un cappuccino, né un teatino, né un minimo. E saggiamente! Anche loro avranno paura come me. Tanto più che non ha lasciato loro nemmeno un centesimo per testamento. Il diavolo mi porti se ci vado. Se è dannato, peggio per lui. Perché sparlava dei buoni padri e fraticelli? Perché li aveva buttati fuori proprio quando più aveva bisogno delle loro devote preghiere, dei loro santi ammonimenti? Perché non ha lasciato loro almeno qualche briciola, qualche osso da piluccare, qualche ripieno per le budella, a quei poveretti che han soltanto la loro vita in questo mondo? Ci vada chi vuole. Che il diavolo m'inforchi se ci vado io. Canchero! Via di là!
«E te, frate Giovanni, se vuoi che trentamila carriolate di vecchi diavoli ti portino al diavolo in un battibaleno, ti dico io che cosa devi fare.
«Primo: dammi la tua borsa, perché la croce, anche quella sulle monete, è contraria agli incantesimi, e ti potrebbe capitare quello che accadde qualche tempo fa a Giovanni Bodin, ricevitore di Couldray, presso il guado di Veda, quando i soldati ruppero il ponticello. Il coglionaccio, incontrando sulla riva frate Adamo Couscoil, cordigliere osservantino di Mirabeau, e visto ch'era un pezzo di ribaldo bene atticciato, gli promise un abito nuovo a condizione che lo portasse a cavalluccio sulle spalle di là dal fiume. Concluso il patto, frate Couscoil si tira su la veste fino ai coglioni e, come un grazioso San Cristoforo, si carica in spalla il postulante Bodin. E lo portava di buona lena, come Enea il padre Anchise tra le fiamme di Troia, cantando un bell'Ave maris stella. Ma quando furono nel punto più profondo, dove gira la ruota del mulino, gli domandò se avesse del denaro con sé. Bodin rispose che ne aveva la borsa piena. "Non temere" soggiunse, "l'abito nuovo che ti ho promesso lo avrai". "Come!" gridò frate Couscoil. "Tu lo sai benissimo che un articolo della nostra regola ci vieta espressamente e rigorosamente di portare denaro sopra di noi. Devi essere proprio uno sciagurato per farmi peccare così su questo punto. Perché non hai lasciato la borsa dal mugnaio? Sarai punito all'istante e senza fallo. E se mi capiti sotto, nel nostro capitolo di Mirabeau, ti faccio cantare addosso tutto un Miserere125 fino all'ultimo bemolle". E, senza una parola di più, se ne scarica, mandandolo a capofitto in mezzo al fiume. Perciò, frate Giovanni, mio dolce amico, se vuoi che i diavoli ti portino via senza scosse e nel modo più acconcio, lasciami la tua borsa e fa di non avere indosso croci di sorta. Il pericolo è evidente. Avendo tu del denaro, portando croci, essi ti getteranno di sicuro su qualche bel roccione, come fanno le aquile con le tartarughe per romperne la corazza: testimone la testa pelata di Eschilo, che un'aquila scambiò per una pietra adatta al caso. Ti faresti certamente del male, amico mio, e io ne sarei addoloratissimo. Oppure ti lasceranno precipitare, come Icaro, in un qualche mare (chissà dove, chissà quanto lontano) che poi verrebbe chiamato Mar Battitorio126.
«Secondo: sii in pari coi debiti, perché i diavoli amano molto quelli che non ne hanno, e io lo so bene per esperienza mia personale. Quei furfanti adesso non cessano di vezzeggiarmi e di farmi la corte, cosa che non facevano quando ero tutto giallo e indebitato. L'anima dell'uomo indebitato è tutta anemica e stonata. Non è pietanza da diavoli.
«In terzo luogo, ritorna da Raminagrobis con la tua palandrana e il tuo cappuccio a campana. Che se trentamila tartane di diavoli non ti portano via così conciato, mi impegno a pagarti da bere davanti a un bel fuoco, e pago anche la legna. Ma se, per tua sicurezza, volessi compagnia, non cercare me. Te lo dico fin da ora. Io non ci vengo. Giro al largo, io. Che il diavolo mi porti se ci vengo».
«Io per me» disse frate Giovanni, «me ne curerei assai meno di quanto si potrebbe pensare; a condizione d'avere in mano la mia scimitarra».
«Tu» disse Panurgo, «la vedi giusta e ne parli come un dottor sottile in lardibus127. Al tempo che studiavo alla scuola di Toledo128, il reverendo padre in Satana, Picatris129, rettore della facoltà diabologica, ci spiegava che i diavoli, per loro natura, temono il luccichio delle spade così come temono la luce del sole. Difatti Ercole, quando se ne andò a tutti i diavoli giù all'Inferno, non fece loro tanta paura, con la sua pelle di leone e la sua clava, quanta poi ne fece Enea, che invece era corazzato di un'armatura rilucente e munito di una bella scimitarra, forbita e dirugginita a puntino, con l'aiuto e per consiglio della Sibilla Cumana. E forse fu questa la ragione per cui il signor Gian Giacomo Trivulzio, a Chartres, sul punto di tirare la cuoia, volle accanto il suo brando; e morì, la spada nuda in pugno, mulinando dal letto torno torno da prode cavaliere; e così schermeggiando mise in fuga tutti i diavoli che gli facevano la posta al passo della morte130. Quando si chiede a massoreti e cabalisti perché i diavoli non entrano mai nel Paradiso terrestre, essi non sanno darne altra ragione se non che alla porta c'è un cherubino con in mano una spada fiammeggiante.
«Io devo ammettere che, parlando secondo la vera diabologia di Toledo, i diavoli, veramente non possono morire per colpi di spada; ma sostengo, secondo la stessa diabologia, che possono patire soluzione di continuità, come se tu con una spada dessi di traverso in una fiamma di fuoco ardente o dentro a una gran fumata nera. E nel sentire questa soluzione di continuità, che per essi è diabolicamente dolorosa, strillano come diavoli.
«Quando assisti allo scontro di due armate, credi tu, o coglionaccio, che il rumore così grande ed orribile che senti provenga esso dalle voci umane, dal cozzo delle armature, dallo strepito delle barde, dai colpi delle mazze, dallo stridor delle picche, dal frangersi delle lame, dalle grida dei feriti, dal suono dei tamburi e delle trombe, dal nitrir dei cavalli, dal tuono degli schioppi e dei cannoni? In parte sì, lo ammetto, ma il grande spavento e il fracasso principale provengono dal dolore e dagli ululati dei diavoli che nel contendersi alla rinfusa le anime dei feriti, ricevono fendenti inaspettati e patiscono soluzioni nella continuità della loro sostanza aerea ed invisibile; come un lacchè cui Mastro Sugna appioppi una legnata sulle dita mentre arraffa i lardoni dallo spiedo. E gridano e urlano come diavoli; come Marte quando fu ferito da Diomede davanti a Troia e che – lo dice Omero – ruppe in un grido più alto e in un clamore più spaventoso di quanto ne avrebbero fatto diecimila uomini insieme.
«Oh ma, intendiamoci: qui stiamo parlando di arnesi forbiti e spade rilucenti; che non è certo il caso del tuo paloscio; il quale, tanto è il disuso e l'ozio in cui lo tieni che, in fede mia, è più arrugginito della serratura di un vecchio salatoio. Per cui, delle due una: o lo forbisci ben bene e lo rendi rilucente e gagliardo, o, lasciandolo stare com'è, ti guardi bene dal tornare nella casa di Raminagrobis. Io, per me, non ci vado. Che il diavolo mi porti se ci vado».
CAPITOLO XXIV
Come Panurgo prende consiglio da Epistemone
Mentre, lasciata Villaumère, tornavano da Pantagruele, Panurgo, strada facendo, si volse a Epistemone e gli disse:
«Compare, mio vecchio amico, voi vedete le perplessità dell'animo mio. Voi conoscete tanti buoni rimedi. Perché non mi aiutate?»
Epistemone, cogliendo l'occasione, gli fece notare come la voce pubblica non fosse ormai più che un gran dire e un gran ridere del suo travestimento, e lo consigliò di prendere una pozione di elleboro per purgarsi degli umori corrotti, e di rimettersi i suoi abiti normali.
«A me» disse Panurgo, «a me, Epistemone, compare mio, mi è venuta la fantasia di sposarmi, ma ho una gran paura di essere cornuto e sfortunato nel matrimonio. Pertanto, ho fatto voto a San Francesco il Giovane (quello di Plessis-les-Tours, veneratissimo da tutte le donne quale primo fondadore dei bons-hommes131, che esse naturalemente appetiscono) di portare gli occhiali al berretto e di non portare braghetta alle braghe fino a quando le mie perplessità di spirito non siano risolte e chiarite pienamente».
«Davvero un voto ammirevole ed allegro!» esclamò Epistemone. «E io veramente mi stupisco che non rientriate in voi stesso e non richiamiate i vostri sensi così selvaggiamente smarriti alla loro naturale tranquillità. A sentirvi parlare, mi viene in mente il voto degli Argivi dalla gran capigliatura, i quali, avendo perduto la battaglia contro i Lacedemoni per il possesso di Tirea, fecero voto di non più portare capelli in testa finché non avessero riconquistato e la terra e l'onore; e anche il voto di quel burlone di spagnolo, Michele Doris, che portava sulla gamba un pezzetto soltanto di gambiera132. Né io so chi dei due sarebbe più degno di portare in testa il ciapperone verde e giallo a orecchie di lepre, come i buffoni di corte: se quel glorioso campione o invece Enguerrand che ne fa un racconto lunghissimo, minuzioso e opprimente, obliando l'arte ed il modo di scrivere storia secondo che insegna il filosofo di Samosata. Perché, leggendo quella lunga narrazione, si pensa che debba celarvisi la causa e il principio di qualche terribile guerra o insigne sconvolgimento di regni, e si finisce col mandare a quel paese il benedetto campione, l'Inglese che lo sfidò ed Enguerrand loro scriba, più bravoso di un vaso di mostarda. Una corbellatura simile a quella della montagna di Orazio, la quale gridava e si lamentava da non credere, come una donna nel travaglio del parto. A tali grida e lamenti accorse tutto il vicinato in grande aspettazione di qualche miracoloso e mostruoso nascimento; ma alla fine non ne uscì che un piccolo topolino».
«Ma non per questo io me ne rido» disse Panurgo. «Lo sciancato burla lo zoppo. Io manterrò il mio voto. Da gran tempo ormai io e voi ci siamo giurati fede e amicizia in nome di Giove philios. Datemi dunque il vostro parere. Debbo ammogliarmi o no?»
«Certo» rispose Epistemone, «la faccenda è rischiosa e io mi sento troppo inadatto a risolvere il problema. E se mai fu vero, nell'arte medica, il detto del vecchio Ippocrate di Lango che giudicare è difficile, esso è verissimo in questo caso. Io avrei veramente alcuni argomenti che mi girano per la testa e per mezzo dei quali potremmo trovare una via di uscita alle vostre perplessità, ma non è che mi soddisfino pienamente. Alcuni platonici dicono che chi può vedere il suo Genio può conoscere il proprio destino. Io non comprendo bene la loro dottrina, né credo che la dobbiate seguire. Essa è molto fallace, e ne ho avuto esperienza conoscendo un gentiluomo studioso e amante di ogni curiosità nel paese di Estangorra. Questo è il primo punto.
«Secondo: se regnassero ancora gli oracoli di Giove Ammone;
di Apollo, in Lebadia, a Delfo, a Delo, a Cirro, a Patara, a Tegira, a Preneste, in Licia, a Colofone, alla fonte Castalia, presso Antiochia, in Siria;
di Bacco, fra i Branchidi, a Dodona;
di Mercurio, a Faro, vicino a Patrasso;
di Apis, in Egitto;
di Serapide a Canopo;
di Fauno in Menalia e in Albunea presso Tivoli;
di Tiresia ad Orcomeno;
di Mopso in Cilicia;
di Orfeo a Lesbo;
di Trofonio in Leucade133;
io sarei dell'avviso (o forse non lo sarei) di andare a sentire il loro giudizio sulla vostra impresa. Ma voi sapete che tutti sono diventati muti più dei pesci dopo l'avvento del Re Salvatore, col quale ebbero fine tutti gli oracoli e tutte le profezie, così come si dileguano i folletti, le lamie134, i lemuri, i lupimannari, i farfarelli e gli spiriti delle tenebre, all'apparire della chiara luce del sole. E quand'anche ve ne fossero ancora in cattedra, io non suggerirei facilmente di prestar fede ai loro responsi. Troppi ne furono ingannati.
«Inoltre ricordo che Agrippina accusò Lollia la Bella di aver interrogato l'oracolo di Apollo Clario per sapere se avrebbe sposato l'imperatore Claudio, e per questa ragione costei fu dapprima bandita e poi messa ignomignosamente a morte».
«Ma noi» disse Panurgo, «potremmo far di meglio. Le isole Ogigie non sono troppo lontane dal porto di Saint-Malo. Perché non ci facciamo un viaggetto, dopo averne parlato al nostro re? In una delle quattro, quella più ad occidente, si dice (e io l'ho letto in antichi autori degni di fede) che vi siano parecchi divinatori, vaticinatori e profeti; che vi sia addirittura Saturno, legato con belle catene d'oro dentro una grotta d'oro, nutrito d'ambrosia e nettare divino che gli vengono in gran copia dai cieli, recati da non so quale specie di uccelli (forse quei medesimi corvi che nutrivano nel deserto San Paolo, primo eremita); e che egli apertamente predice la sorte a chiunque lo voglia, e il destino e tutto ciò che gli deve accadere. Perché niente le Parche filano, niente Giove si propone e niente delibera che il suo buon padre non apprenda dormendo. Sarebbe per noi tanta fatica in meno se potessimo consultarlo un poco su queste mie faccende».
«Questa» disse Epistemone, «è una trappola troppo evidente e una favola troppo favolosa. Io non ci vengo».
CAPITOLO XXV
Come Panurgo prende consiglio da Her Trippa
«Ecco invece» disse Epistemone continuando, «quello che farete prima di tornare dal nostro re, se vi fidate del mio consiglio. Her Trippa è l'uomo che fa al caso vostro e abita qui vicino, presso l'Ile-Bouchard. Voi sapete come, per arte astrologica, geomantica, chiromantica, metopomantica135 e altre della stessa farina, egli predice ogni cosa futura».
«Io non so niente di tutto questo» rispose Panurgo, «ma so benissimo che un giorno, mentre lui parlava col Gran Re di cose celesti e trascendenti, i servitori di corte, su per le scale e dietro le porte, sprimacciavano le chiappe a sua moglie, che non era da buttar via. Ed egli che vede senza occhiali le cose astrali e terrestri e parla di tutti gli eventi passati e presenti e predice il futuro, non vedeva sua moglie andare in dondolo, e mai lo seppe né lo sospettò. Come che sia, andiamoci pure, visto che voi lo volete. C'è sempre qualcosa da imparare».
Il giorno dopo arrivarono alla casa di Her Trippa. Panurgo gli regalò una veste di pelle di lupo, una grande spada bastarda ben dorata con fodero di velluto e cinquanta agnoli136 d'oro. Poi conferì con lui familiarmente della sua faccenda.
«A occhio e croce» gli disse subito Her Trippa guardandolo in faccia, «tu hai la metoposcopia del becco, un becco, dico, scandaloso e scorbacchiato».
Poi, esaminando minuziosamente la mano destra di Panurgo, soggiunse:
«Questa piega falsa che vedo qui sopra il monte di Giove non si è mai trovata se non nella mano di un becco». Poi, con uno stiletto, segnò rapidamente un certo numero di punti, li accoppiò per geomanzia e disse:
«Non c'è verità più vera delle corna che metterai appena sposato».
Fatto questo, chiese a Panurgo l'oroscopo della sua nascita. Avutolo, ne tracciò prontamente la corrispondente casa del cielo in ogni sua parte e considerandone l'assetto e gli aspetti nella loro triplice determinazione, mandò un sospiro e disse:
«Io avevo già predetto chiaramente che tu saresti fatto becco e che per te non c'era scampo. Qui adesso ne scopro ex abundantia una nuova certificazione. E confermo che sarai cornuto. Inoltre tua moglie ti picchierà e ti deruberà: perché io trovo qui la settima casa tutta improntata ad aspetti maligni e tutta sotto l'influsso di segni che portano corna, come l'Ariete, il Toro, il Capricorno e altri. Nella quarta trovo la decadenza di Giove e l'aspetto tetragono di Saturno congiunto a Mercurio. Tu sarai impestato ben bene, o dabben uomo».
«Io sarò» disse Panurgo, «la mala febbre quartana che ti pigli, vecchio folle, sciocco e screanzato che sei! E quando tutti i beccaccioni si riuniranno in Campo di Maggio, tu ne porterai la bandiera. Ma di dove mi viene questo pellicello fra queste due dita?». E nel dir questo, puntò contro Her Trippa l'indice e il medio aperti a mo' di corna, chiudendo le altre dita. Poi disse a Epistemone:
«Ecco qua il vero Ollus di Marziale137, che poneva ogni studio nell'osservare e comprendere i mali e le miserie degli altri e intanto sua moglie la sbandierava a tutti. Lui, povero in canna più che non fosse Iro e, ciononostante, vanaglorioso, tracotante e petulco più di diciassette diavoli: in una parola ptocalazon138, come con molta proprietà gli antichi chiamavano questa schiuma di paltonieri. Andiamo. Piantiamo qui questo matto arrabbiato, questo pazzo da catena, che farnetichi quanto gli pare con i suoi diavoli di casa. Ci vorrà un po' per farmi credere che i diavoli si acconcino a servire un simile briccone: Egli non ha nemmeno la più pallida idea del primo principio della filosofia, che è: conosci te stesso. E mentre si vanta di vedere una festuca negli occhi degli altri, non vede l'architrave che pesta gli occhi a lui. Mi somiglia tanto a quel ficcanaso che Plutarco descrive nel suo Peri Polypragmosynes. È una nuova Lamia, la quale, in casa d'altri, per la strada e fra la gente, vedeva meglio e più di una lince, e in casa propria era più cieca di una talpa, perché, tornando da fuori, si toglieva gli occhi che aveva amovibili come occhiali, e li nascondeva dentro uno zoccolo attaccato dietro la porta».
A queste parole, Her Trippa pigliò un ramoscello d'erica.
«Ottima scelta» disse Epistemone. «Nicandro la chiama pianta divinatrice».
«Volete voi» disse Her Trippa, «conoscere più a fondo la verità per Piromanzia? O per Aeromanzia, celebrata da Aristofane nelle Nuvole? Oppure per Lecanomanzia139, un tempo tenuta in gran conto dagli Assiri e sperimentata da Ermolao Barbaro140? Ebbene, dentro un bacile pieno d'acqua, io ti farò vedere tua moglie che se la fa con due bifolchi».
«Quando tu metterai il tuo naso nel mio culo» disse Panurgo, «ricordati di toglierti gli occhiali».
«Per Catoptromanzia» continuò imperturbabile Her Trippa, «mediante la quale Didio Giuliano, imperatore di Roma, prevedeva tutto ciò che gli doveva accadere? Non avrai bisogno di occhiali: la vedrai in un specchio che se la fa strapazzare, e così chiaramente come te la mostrassi nella fontana del tempio di Minerva vicino a Patrasso.
«Per Coscinomanzia, già tanto religiosamente osservata nelle cerimonie dei Romani? Fa che abbia qui un crivello e ti faccio vedere la fine del mondo.
«Per Alfitomanzia, designata da Teocrito nella sua Pharmaceutria?
«Per Aleuromanzia, mescolando frumento con farina?
«Per Astragalomanzia141? Ho qui dentro le tabelle già pronte.
«Per Tiromanzia142? Ho qui il formaggio di Brechemon, che è quello che ci vuole.
«Per Giromanzia? Ti farò dare il giro a questi cerchietti e puoi star certo che ti cadranno tutti a sinistra.
«Per Sternomanzia? Guardati il petto e capirai da solo, tanto è mal conformato.
«Per Libanomanzia? Non occorre che un po' di incenso.
«Pèr Gastromanzia, praticata per tanti anni a Ferrara da Madama Giacoma Rodigina, ventriloqua?
«Per Cefaleonomanzia, che i Germani solevano praticare arrostendo la testa di un asino sui carboni ardenti?
«Per Ceromanzia? In questo caso, potrai vedere, nella cera fusa e rappresa nell'acqua, l'immagine di tua moglie e dei suoi tambureggiatori.
«Per Capnomanzia? Basterà spargere semi di sesamo e di papavero sulla brace: una galanteria!
«Per Ascinomanzia? Procura un'ascia e una pietra gagate da gettare sul fuoco. Oh, come Omero l'usava bravamente contro i pretendenti di Penelope!
«Per Onimanzia? Qui abbiamo l'olio e qui la cera.
«Per Teframanzia? Vedrai la cenere comporre nell'aria la figura di tua moglie sul più bello.
«Per Botanomanzia? Ho qui delle foglie di salvia giusto a proposito.
«Per Sicomanzia? Oh la virtù divina delle foglie di fico!
«Per Ittiomanzia? Un tempo era celebrata e praticata da Tiresia e Polidamante con la stessa sicurezza con cui si praticava nella fossa Diana, in un bosco sacro ad Apollo, nella terra dei Lici.
«Per Coiromanzia? Ci vogliono molti maialini. A te poi ti darò le vesciche.
«Per Cleromanzia, allo stesso modo in cui si trova la fava nella torta, la vigilia dell'Epifania?
«Per Antropomanzia, come faceva Eliogabalo imperatore di Roma143? È un po' fastidiosa, ma tu la reggerai bene perché tanto sei becco predestinato.
«Per Sticomanzia Sibillina144?
«Per Onomatomanzia? A proposito, come ti chiami?»
«Masticamerda» rispose Panurgo.
«Oppure volete saperlo per Alectriomanzia? In tal caso io traccerò qui un bel cerchio, poi lo dividerò, sotto i tuoi occhi e con il tuo controllo, in ventiquattro parti uguali; sopra ognuna di queste segnerò una lettera dell'alfabeto; su ciascuna lettera poserò un chicco di frumento; poi vi lascerò libero nel mezzo un bel gallo vergine. Vedrete, ne sono certo, che mangerà i grani posati sulle lettere C.O.R.N.A. così fatidicamente come nel caso dell'imperatore Valente, che era ansioso di conoscere il nome del suo successore e che, per mezzo del gallo vaticinante, sortì le lettere T.E.O.D.145.
«Oppure preferite saperlo per Aruspiscina, o per Estispicina, o per auspicio tratto dal volo degli uccelli, o dal canto delle Oscine, o dal tripudio solistimo delle anitre?»
«Per Stronzospicina» rispose Panurgo.
«... O magari per Necromanzia? Perché io vi faccio subito resuscitare un morto, morto da poco (come Apollonio di Tiana fece con Achille o come fece la Pitonessa con Samuele al cospetto di Saul) il quale ci dirà il tutto né più né meno di quel defunto che, invocato da Eritto, predisse a Pompeo l'andamento e l'esito della battaglia farsalica. Che se poi aveste paura dei morti, com'è naturale per tutti i cornuti, useremo soltanto la Sciomanzia».
«Ma va' a cercare i venerdì che ti mancano!» gridò Panurgo. «Va' a farti coglionare da qualche Albanese, così potrai portare anche tu il cappello a punta146. Perché diavolo non mi consigli di mettermi sotto la lingua uno smeraldo e una pietra di Iena, o di munirmi di lingue di upupa e cuori di rane verdi, o di mangiare cuore e fegato di qualche serpente per conoscere il mio destino dal canto dei cigni e degli uccelli, come facevano un tempo gli arabi in Mesopotamia?
«Che vada a trenta diavoli il becco cornuto marrano, stregone del demonio incantatore dell'anticristo!» soggiunse, volgendosi a Epistemone. «Torniamo dal nostro re. Io sono sicuro che non sarà contento di noi se viene a sapere che siamo stati nella tana di questo satanasso imbacuccato. Mi fa rabbia di esserci venuto, e darei volentieri cento nobili d'oro e 14 bifolchi per giunta, purché il messere che un tempo sbuffava in fondo ai miei calzoni147 gli potesse impiastricciare il grugno con i suoi sputacchi. Dio vero! Mi ha tutto affumicato di disgusto e di diavoleria, di incantesimo e di stregoneria. Che il diavolo lo inforchi e se lo porti. Dite amen e andiamo a bere. Non basteranno due giorni di baldoria. Ce ne vorranno almeno quattro».
CAPITOLO XXVI
Come Panurgo prende consiglio da fra Giovanni de' Battitori
Sulla via del ritorno, Panurgo era molto contrariato per gli sproloqui di Her Trippa, e, attraversato il borgo di Huymes, si rivolse a fra Giovanni grattandosi l'orecchio e gli disse:
«Tienimi allegro, pancione mio, che mi sento abbrutito nell'anima a causa dei discorsi di quel pazzo indiavolato. Ascolta, coglione carino,
Coglione monchino, | C. pasticciato,
---|---
C. piombato, | C. felpato,
C. marezzato,
C. di stucco,
C. rabescato,
C. leporino,
C. garantito,
C. calandrato,
C. diasprato,
C. martellato,
C. giurato,
C. granato,
C. arrabbiato,
C. intabarrato,
C. liripipiato,
C. verniciato,
C. brasiliano,
C. organizzato,
C. di passo,
C. a stocco,
C. forsennato,
C. stivato,
C. farcito,
C. compassato,
C. paffuto, | C. rinomato
C. intrecciato,
C. lattato,
C. catramato,
C. rilevato,
C. damascato,
C. temprato,
C. antiquario,
C. assicurato,
C. ricamato,
C. stagnato,
C. lardellato,
C. borghese,
C. seducente,
C. impeciato,
C. appostato,
C. desiato,
C. d'ebano,
C. di bosso,
C. latino,
C. ad uncino,
C. sfrenato,
C. affettato,
C. forbito,
C. esplosivo,
C. positivo,
C. genitivo,
C. colossale,
C. ovale,
C. claustrale,
C. virile,
C. di rispetto,
C. di soggiorno,
C. massiccio,
C. alla mano,
C. assoluto,
C. membruto,
C. gemello,
C. turchesco, | C. cortese,
C. brioso,
C. gerundivo,
C. attivo,
C. vitale,
C. magistrale,
C. monacale,
C. sottile,
C. di ricambio,
C. d'ardimento,
C. lascivo,
C. ingordo,
C. risoluto,
C. cappuccio,
C. gentile,
C. fecondo,
C. brillante,
C. strigliante,
C. urgente,
C. decente,
C. allerta,
C. fortunato,
C. attonito,
C. d'alto liccio,
C. ricercato,
C. rinforzato,
C. di graspo,
C. orsino,
C. d'alto lignaggio, | C. fischiante,
C. vezzoso,
C. banale,
C. scorbutico,
C. sventato,
C. balordo,
C. comune,
C. squisito,
C. burlone,
C. stuzzicante,
C. guelfo,
C. seletto,
C. casalingo,
C. patronimico,
C. vespino,
C. d'amalgama,
C. robusto,
C. famelico,
C. soccorrevole,
C. temibile,
C. affabile,
C. memorabile,
C. palpabile,
C. bardabile,
C. tragico,
C. transpontino,
C. digestivo,
C. incarnativo, | C. bamboccio,
C. di diottra,
C. algebrico,
C. venusto,
C. insuperabile,
C. gradevole,
C. spaventevole,
C. profittevole,
C. notevole,
C. muscoloso,
C. sussidiario,
C. satirico,
C. ripercussivo,
C. convulsivo,
C. ristorativo,
C. suggellativo, | C. mascoleggiante,
C. ronzinante, | C. petulco,
C. rifatto, | C. fulminante,
C. tonante, | C. scintillante,
C. martellante, | C. arientante,
C. stridente, | C. aromatizzante,
C. sonante, | C. diaspermatizzante,
C. pimpante, | C. ronfante,
C. porcone, | C. ladrone,
C. gagliardo, | C. ciondolante,
C. speronante, | C. scapaccionante,
C. abortito, | C. scalognato,
C. censurato, | C. grufolante,
C. battente, | C. travolgente,
«coglione archibusante, coglion culettante, fra Giovanni, amico mio, io ti porto riverenza grande e ti tenevo in serbo per rifarmi la bocca: te ne prego, dimmi cosa ne pensi: devo ammogliarmi o no?»
Fra Giovanni, con il suo abituale buonumore, gli rispose:
«Prendi moglie, corpo del diavolo, prendi moglie e scampana: scampana a suon giulivo e a doppio battaglio di coglioni. Dico e intendo il più presto possibile. Da questa sera, fa che gemano banchi e lettiera. Virtù di Dio, cosa aspetti? Non sai che la fine del mondo è alle porte e che oggi l'abbiamo due pertiche e mezza tesa più vicina dell'altro ieri? L'Anticristo mi hanno detto che è già nato, anche se, per adesso, gli basta di sgraffignare la nutrice e le governanti e non mostra ancora i tesori148 perché è troppo piccolo. Crescite. Nos qui vivimus multiplicamini (sta scritto, è materia di breviario)149 fino a quando il sacco di grano non varrà che tre patacche e la botte di vino sei centesimi. Vorresti forse che ti trovassero i coglioni pieni il giorno del giudizio, dum venerit judicare?»
«Tu» disse Panurgo, «tu, frate Giovanni, mio bel coglione metropolitano, hai lo spirito molto limpido e ciò che dici è molto pertinente. E mi ricorda la preghiera che Leandro di Abido in Asia, traversando a nuoto l'Ellesponto per recarsi dalla sua amica Ero a Sesto in Europa, rivolgeva a Nettuno e a tutte le divinità marine;
Se nell'andar mi fate buona scorta
di annegare al ritorno non m'importa.
«Perché anche lui non voleva morire con i coglioni pieni. E son venuto nella determinazione che, d'ora in avanti, in tutto il territorio del Guazzetto, quando vi sia da giustiziare un qualche malfattore, lo si faccia prima giocar di schiena come un onocrotalo, per modo che in tutti i suoi vasi spermatici non vi resti di che scrivere una Y. Una cosa tanto preziosa non deve andare stupidamente perduta. Può darsi che gli accada di generare un uomo. E così, uomo per uomo, potrà morire senza rimpianti».
CAPITOLO XXVII
Come fra Giovanni consiglia allegramente Panurgo
«Per San Rigomé!»150 disse frate Giovanni . «Panurgo, mio dolce amico, io non ti consiglio cosa che non farei io stesso se fossi nei tuoi panni. Solamente abbi cura e fai bene attenzione di non perdere un colpo e che un colpo segua l'altro di continuo. Ché, se ti prendi una vacanza, sei perduto, poveretto; e ti accadrà quel che accade alle nutrici, che se desistono dal dare la tetta perdono il loro latte. Così tu, se non tieni in continuo esercizio la tua cannella, essa perderà il suo latte e non ti servirà più che per fontanella; e le coglie ugualmente non ti serviranno più che per sacchetto. Te ne avverto, amico mio, perché ne ho conosciuti parecchi che non han potuto quando volevano perché non vollero quando potevano. Così, per desuetudine, van perduti tutti i privilegi, come dicono i canonisti. Tu pertanto, figliolo, metti alla stanga quel tuo basso e minuto popolo troglodita, fa che non abbia tregua e che non viva di rendita come i gentiluomini, senza far niente».
«Mai più mai più, frate Giovanni» disse Panurgo, «mai più, coglione mio sinistro: seguirò il tuo consiglio, stanne certo. Tu parli schietto. Senza riserve e senza ambagi, tu mi hai liberato da ogni incertezza che mi potesse intimorire. Che il Cielo ti conceda di procedere sempre così, dritto e alla spiccia. Stando alle tue parole dunque mi sposerò: non c'è dubbio. D'altronde, quando verrai a trovarmi, avrò sempre delle belle cameriere, e tu sarai protettore della loro sororità. E questo per la prima parte del sermone».
«Ascolta» disse frate Giovanni, «l'oracolo delle campane di Varennes. Che dicon elle, le campanelle?»
«Le sento» rispose Panurgo. «Il loro suono, lo giuro per la mia sete, è più fatidico dei calderoni di Giove in Dodona. Ascolta:
Marìtati, marìtati,
marì marì marìtati.
Se ti mariterai
non te ne pentirai
mai mai mai!
«Sta pur sicuro che mi sposerò: tutto mi invita a nozze. Abbi questa mia parola per ferma come una muraglia di bronzo.
«Quanto al secondo punto, tu mi sembri dubitare alcun poco, ovverossia diffidare della mia paternità, quasi che io avessi poco propizio il duro dio dei giardini. Io ti supplico di farmi il piacere di credere ch'io l'ho alla mia mercé, docile, benevolo, attento, obbediente in tutto e per tutto. Basta che gli sciolga il guinzaglio, cioè a dire i bottoni e gli mostri la preda e gli dica: Sotto, compagno!
«E quand'anche mia moglie fosse ghiotta dei piaceri di Venere quanto e più di Messalina o della Marchesa di Winchester in Inghilterra, ti prego di credere che ho tutto quel che occorre per accontentarla e anche di più.
«Io non ignoro le parole di Salomone, che peraltro ne parlava da uomo dotto e bene informato151. Dopo di lui, Aristotele ha dichiarato che l'estro della donna è insaziabile. Ma io voglio che si sappia che il mio arnese infaticabile è dello stesso calibro.
«E non tirarmi fuori, a confronto, quei favolosi bordellieri che furono mastro Ercole, Procolo e Cesare; e Maometto che si vantava nel suo Alcorano di avere nei genitali la forza di sessanta calafatori152. Ha mentito il porcaccione. E così quell'Indiano tanto celebrato da Teofrasto, Plinio ed Ateneo; il quale, con l'aiuto di una certa erba, ne faceva sessanta e passa al giorno. Non ci credo per niente. Il numero è inventato. Ti prego di non crederci. Invece ti prego di credere – e non crederai cosa non vera – che il mio pestello naturale, il mio sacro Itifallo, il mio messer Cotal d'Albenga è lo primo de lo mondo153.
«Ascolta bene, coglioncello mio. Hai mai veduto la cocolla del monaco di Castres? Sotto qualunque tetto la portassero, sia esposta sia nascosta, subito, per effetto della sua orrifica virtù, tutte le persone di casa e gli abitanti del luogo andavano in calore: bestie e persone, uomini e donne, gatti e topi. Ebbene, ti giuro che mi è capitato di dover riconoscere alla mia braghetta un potere ancor più straordinario.
«Non ti dirò di case o di capanne, di chiese o di mercati; ma ti dico che un giorno, alla Passione che si rappresentava a Saint-Maixent, essendo io entrato in platea, tutti, attori e spettatori, furon presi a un tratto, per la virtù ed occulta proprietà della mia braghetta, da un furore amatorio così travolgente che non vi fu angelo, uomo, diavolo o diavolessa che non volesse fottere o farsi fottere. Il suggeritore buttò via il copione; San Michele venne giù dal cielo col saliscendi; i diavoli sortirono dall'Inferno e vi trascinarono tutte quelle povere ragazzette; Lucifero stesso si scatenò. E insomma, alla vista di tanto scompiglio, me ne andai via come Catone il Censore, il quale, nel vedere le feste Floralie disturbate dalla sua presenza, se la filò rinunciando allo spettacolo»154.
CAPITOLO XXVIII
Come frate Giovanni riconforta Panurgo circa il timore d'ire a Corneto
«Lo capisco» disse frate Giovanni, «ma il tempo la vince su tutte le cose: non c'è marmo né porfido che alla lunga sia esente da vecchiezza e decadenza. Se ancora non sei a tanto, fra pochi anni ti sentirò confessare che molti hanno i coglioni penduli per difetto di sospensorio. Già ti s'imbigia il pelo in testa, non vedi? La tua barba, con tutto quel variare di grigio, di bianco, di nero e tanné, mi somiglia a un mappamondo. Guarda qui: qui abbiamo l'Asia; qui il Tigri e l'Eufrate; qui l'Africa; qui la montagna della Luna; di qua l'Europa. C'è persino la mia Telème. E qui, su questa ciocca tutta bianca, i monti Iperborei. Per la mia sete, amico mio, quando la neve infarina le montagne, comincia a far freddo anche giù nelle valli della braghetta».
«I pedignoni che ti vengano!» rispose Panurgo. «Tu non conosci i topici155. Quando c'è neve sulle montagne, il fulmine, baleno, il tuono, gli scoppi, i nembi, il turbine, lo schianto, il burraschio, le valanghe, i rovesci, le varici, i vampiri, i vaticini, il canchero, i vallinferno e tutti i diavoli del medesimo scorazzano per le valli. Ne vuoi una prova? Va nel paese degli Svizzeri e guarda il lago di Vunderberlich, a quattro leghe da Berna, tirando verso Sion. Tu mi rinfacci il mio pelo che imbigia e non consideri ciò che è proprio della natura dei porri, i quali, noi lo vediamo, hanno la testa bianca e la coda verde, diritta e vigorosa.
«Vero è che io riconosco in me qualche segno premonitore di vecchiaia: una vecchiaia verde e rubesta, però; ma non dirlo a nessuno: resterà un segreto fra noi due. Fatto è che il vino mi sembra migliore e più gustoso di una volta e il vino cattivo mi disgusta sempre di più. Nota che questo arieggia a un non so che di tramonto, e vuol dire che il mezzogiorno è passato. Ma e con ciò? Non perderò per questo il buon umore e il piacere della buona compagnia: tutt'altro! Non è questo che mi spaventa, corpo del diavolo. Non è questo che mi duole. Il mio timore è che a causa di qualche lunga assenza del nostro re Pantagruele, che debbo seguire ovunque, andasse pure a tutti i diavoli, mia moglie mi metta le corna. Questo è il punto. Perché tutti quelli ai quali ne ho parlato mi dicono che questo accadrà e affermano che i cieli mi hanno predestinato a questo».
«Non è da tutti essere becco» rispose frate Giovanni. «Se tu sei becco, ergo tua moglie sarà bella, ergo sarai trattato bene da lei, ergo avrai molti amici, ergo sarai beato. Sono topici monacali. E sarà un buon lavaggio per l'anima tua, peccatore. Starai bene come non mai. Né ci rimetterai un centesimo. I tuoi beni si moltiplicheranno sempre di più. E se cosi è predestinato, vorresti forse contravvenire? Rispondi, coglione appassito, coglione muffito,
C. macerato, | C. di stoppa,
---|---
C. annacquato, | C. ciondolante,
C. congelato, | C. querelante,
C. infrollito, | C. codardo,
C. attrappito, | C. sgranato,
C. slombato, | C. incongruo,
C. falloso, | C. ripulito,
C. snervato, | C. lanternato,
C. prosternato, | C. smerdato,
C. aggrumato, | C. blandito,
C. scremato, | C. spremuto,
C. depresso, | C. sparuto,
C. restio, | C. putativo,
C. macinato, | C. bacato,
C. sregolato, | C. imbolsito,
C. assiderato, | C. raccattato,
C. bastardo, | C. di sughero,
C. languente, | C. trasparente,
C. sgocciolato, | C. nauseante,
C. scarafaggiato, | C. cencioso,
C. sparpagliato, | C. raspolato,
C. mitrato, | C. inquisito,
C. strapazzato, | C. censurato,
C. baloccato, | C. scarlattinato,
C. sporco, | C. imbrattato,
C. spompato, | C. grinzoso,
C. sospiroso, | C. smorto,
C. smanicato, | C. nato-morto,
C. verminoso, | C. dolente,
C. vescicoso, | C. zoppicante,
C. malandrato, | C. afflitto,
C. tlasiato156, | C. tlipsiato157,
C. spadonico158, | C. smussato,
C. intagliato, | C. mignattato,
C. bavoso, | C. pasticciato,
C. ernioso, | C. sfregiato,
C. cancrenoso, | C. sgraffiato,
C. scrofoloso, | C. fetoso,
C. spennacchiato, | C. inacetito,
C. domato, | C. freddoloso,
C. galante, | C. scrupoloso,
C. sfiancato, | C. scombinato,
C. trapanato, | C. rancido,
C. basanato, | C. rachitico,
C. evirato, | C. frastornato,
C. sfogliato, | C. vagabondo,
C. estiomenoso, | C. cancrenoso,
C. sventrato, | C. sbracato,
C. carbonchiato, | C. rognoso,
C. sincopato, | C. varicoso,
C. miscelato, | C. fradicio,
C. tagliuzzato, | C. sciancato,
C. ventosato, | C. carabattolato,
C. abbacchiato, | C. truccato,
C. screpolato, | C. stravagante,
C. asmatico, | C. crogiolato,
C. cercone, | C. affumicato,
C. da baldoria, | C. stremato,
C. fistoloso, | C. a cazzo d'asino,
C. languoroso, | C. marinato,
C. maleficiato, | C. estirpato,
C. etico, | C. costipato,
C. usato, | C. tempestato,
C. stupidito, | C. schiaffeggiato,
C. abbrutito, | C. arrugginito,
C. tormentato, | C. buzzurro,
C. paralitico, | C. predatato,
C. degradato, | C. monco,
C. stroppio, | C. confuso,
C. di nottola, | C. svergognato,
C. petoso, | C. oppresso,
C. braccato, | C. insabbiato,
C. stracciato, | C. desolato,
C. demente, | C. decadente,
C. corneggiante, | C. sgrammaticato,
C. sottile, | C. clamante,
C. ulcerato, | C. calafatato,
C. indolenzito, | C. rincoglionito,
C. a roncola, | C. a caccola,
C. strusciato, | C. abbandonato,
C. febbrile, | C. bisestile,
C. raffermo, | C. da inverno,
C. assassinato, | C. imbalsamato,
C. in pentola, | C. a ventola,
coglionaccio del diavolo, Panurgo, amico mio, a che pro ti tormenti, se il tuo destino è segnato? Vorresti forse tirar la coda ai pianeti, metter la briglia alle sfere celesti, metter la pulce nell'orecchio alle intelligenze motrici, spuntare i fusi, muover querela ai fusaioli, calunniare i rocchetti, rimbrottare gli aspi, condannare i bandoli, disfare i gomitoli delle Parche? Che ti piglino le febbri quartane, coglione! O credi di essere da più dei Titani e dei Giganti? Dimmi una cosa, cogliantropo: preferiresti essere geloso senza doverlo o essere becco senza saperlo?"
«Io» rispose Panurgo, «non vorrei essere né l'uno né l'altro. Ma una volta che lo sapessi, rimetterei le cose a posto. Altrimenti vorrebbe dire che al mondo non si trova più un bastone. In fede mia, frate Giovanni, il meglio che posso fare è di non sposarmi affatto. Ascolta cosa mi dicono le campane, adesso che siamo più vicini:
Maritati mai, maritati mai,
mai mai mai, mai mai mai!
Se ti mariterai te ne ripentirai.
Ahi ahi ahi, ahi ahi ahi!
Se ti sposi sarai becco:
ecco ecco, ecco ecco!
«Degna virtù di Dio! Io comincio a guastarmi il sangue. Possibile che voialtri, cervelli incappucciati, non conosciate nessun rimedio? Possibile che la natura abbia inteso diseredare gli umani a tal punto che un uomo non possa attraversare il mondo senza precipitare negli abissi e nelle calamità del Capricorno?»
«Io» disse frate Giovanni, «ti voglio insegnare un espediente mediante il quale mai e poi mai tua moglie ti farà becco senza che tu lo sappia e lo consenta».
«Te ne prego, te ne prego, coglion mio vellutato» disse Panurgo. «Dimmi, parla».
«È l'anello di Hans Carvel, gran lapidario del re di Melindo» disse frate Giovanni.
«Hans Carvel159 – uomo dotto, di molta esperienza, coscienzioso, sensato, mansueto, largo del suo ai bisognosi, filosofo, allegro peraltro, gioviale e buon motteggiatore se altri mai – non era, quanto a presenza, dei più favoriti dalla natura; anzi un po' goffo, panciuto, e con la testa che gli faceva sempre di no. Già era avanti con gli anni quando prese in moglie la figlia del balì Concordato: giovane, bella, pimpante, elegante, avvenente, ma un po troppo in dimestichezza con vicini e servitori. Donde avvenne che in capo a qualche settimana diventò geloso come una tigre ed entrò in sospetto che la moglie si facesse rimenare le chiappe da qualcun altro lì attorno. Per porvi rimedio, la intratteneva di continuo con bei racconti sulle sciagure e desolazione dell'adulterio; spesso le recitava la leggenda delle donne virtuose, esaltandone la pudicizia; le scrisse un libro in lode della fedeltà coniugale e in fiero vituperio della perversità delle mogli ribalde; e le fece dono di un bel monile tutto tempestato di zaffiri d'Oriente. Ciononostante, la vedeva tanto condiscendente e così sempre in chiacchiera con i vicini, che la gelosia gli montava sempre di più.
«Una bella notte, mentre giaceva accanto a lei in preda alle solite angustie, sognò che parlava col Diavolo e gli raccontava le sue afflizioni. Il Diavolo gli fece coraggio e gli mise un anello al dito maestro, dicendo:
«"Io ti do questo anello. Fintanto che lo terrai al dito, tua moglie non sarà carnalmente conosciuta da altri senza che tu lo sappia e vi consenta".
«"Grazie tante, signor Diavolo" disse Hans Carvel. "Rinnego Macone se avessi mai a lasciarmelo togliere dal dito".
«Il Diavolo disparve. Hans Carvel, tutto contento, si svegliò e trovò che aveva messo il dito nella come-si-chiama della moglie... Ah, dimenticavo di aggiungere che la moglie tirava indietro il sedere come per dire: "Sì, ma non è quello che ci devi mettere"; e Hans Carvel aveva l'impressione che gli volessero rubare l'anello.
«Non è forse un rimedio infallibile? Tienti dunque a questo esempio, se vuoi seguire il mio consiglio. Fa in modo, voglio dire, che tu tenga sempre al dito l'anello di tua moglie».
E qui finì la favola e il cammino.
CAPITOLO XXIX
Come Pantagruele riunisce a consiglio un teologo, un medico, un legista e un filosofo per trovare un rimedio alle perplessità di Panurgo
Giunti a palazzo, raccontarono a Pantagruele le vicende del loro viaggio e gli mostrarono la prescrizione di Raminagrobis. Pantagruele, dopo averla letta e riletta, disse:
«Mai vista una risposta che mi piaccia di più. Egli vuol dire, in sostanza che, in fatto di matrimonio, ciascuno deve essere arbitro dei suoi propri pensieri e prendere consiglio da se medesimo. Tale è stata sempre la mia opinione e questo vi dissi la prima volta che me ne parlaste. Ma voi, me ne rammento bene, ve ne burlaste tacitamente; onde m'accorgo che amor proprio e presunzione vi traggono in inganno. Ragion per cui seguiremo altra strada. Ed ecco quale. Tutto ciò che noi siamo e possediamo consiste in tre cose: anima, corpo e beni. Alla preservazione di ciascuna delle tre sono oggigiorno destinate tre classi di persone: i teologi per l'anima, i medici per il corpo, i giureconsulti per i beni. Io son d'avviso di riunire domenica, a pranzo qui con noi, un teologo, un medico e un giureconsulto. E conferiremo con loro intorno alle vostre perplessità».
«Per San Trovato!» esclamò Panurgo. «Questa, mio Signore è la strada maestra per non venire a capo di nulla. Lo prevedo fin da ora. E guardate come il mondo è ammanicato. Noi affidiamo le nostre anime alla custodia dei teologi, che la più parte sono eretici; i nostri corpi ai medici, che aborrono i medicamenti e non prendono mai farmaci; i nostri beni agli avvocati che non fanno mai lite fra di loro».
«Voi parlate da cortigiano»160 disse Pantagruele. «Ma io contesto il primo punto, considerando che l'occupazione principale, per non dire unica ed esclusiva, dei buoni teologi, consiste nell'adoprarsi, con i fatti, le parole e gli scritti, a estirpare gli errori e le eresie (tanto son lontani dall'esserne contaminati) e a radicare profondamente nei cuori umani la vera e viva fede cattolica.
«Lodo il secondo punto, visto che i bravi medici, quanto a loro stessi, provvedono così bene alla parte profilattica e conservatrice della salute, da non aver bisogno della parte terapeutica e curativa mediante farmaci.
«Convengo sul terzo punto, vedendo i bravi avvocati tanto presi nel patrocinare e nel difendere il diritto altrui, che non resta loro tempo né agio per curarsi del proprio.
«Domenica dunque avremo qui con noi, come teologo, il nostro buon padre Ippotaddeo161, come medico il nostro maestro Rotondetto162 e come legista il nostro amico Brigliadoca; inoltre, per aver propizia la tetrade pitagorica, sarei dell'avviso di convitare, come quarto, il nostro fedele amico Mastro Intruglia, soprattutto in considerazione che il perfetto filosofo sa rispondere in termini categorici a qualsiasi dubbio e quesito gli venga proposto. Voi, Carpalim, farete in modo che domenica prossima siano qui tutti e quattro a desinare con noi».
«Io credo» disse Epistemone, «che non avreste potuto scegliere meglio in tutto il paese. E non lo dico solamente in ragione della eccellenza di ciascuno dei quattro nel suo campo, che è extra aleam judiciorum, cioè a dire al disopra di ogni abbaglio; ma ancor più per il fatto che: Rotondetto è ammogliato, e non lo era stato mai; Ippotaddeo non lo fu mai e non lo è; Brigliadoca lo è stato e non lo è più; Mastro Intruglia lo è stato e lo è tuttora. Se non vi dispiace, risparmierò una fatica a Carpalim e andrò io stesso ad invitare Brigliadoca. È una mia vecchia conoscenza e debbo anche parlare con lui di cose che riguardano il bene e l'avvenire di un suo onesto e dotto figliuolo, che studia a Tolosa alla scuola del dottissimo e virtuosissimo Boyssoné»163.
«Bene» disse Pantagruele, «fate come vi sembra meglio e vedete se anch'io possa fare qualcosa che giovi alla carriera del giovane Brigliadoca e alla dignità del signor Boyssoné, che amo ed onoro come uno dei più insigni docenti, oggi, nella sua disciplina. Lo farei veramente con tutto il cuore».
CAPITOLO XXX
Come Ippotaddeo, teologo, consiglia Panurgo sulla faccenda del matrimonio
La domenica seguente, il pranzo era appena allestito, quando comparvero tutti gli invitati, ad eccezione di Brigliadoca, luogotenente di Fonsbeton164.
Alla seconda portata, Panurgo, con profonda reverenza, pose la sua questione.
«Signori» disse, «non si tratta che di una parola: debbo sposarmi o no? Se nemmeno voi riuscite a sciogliere questo dubbio, io lo terrò per insolubile come gl'Insolubilia di Alliaco165. Perché voi siete stati eletti, scelti e trascelti, ciascuno nella sua disciplina, come perle d'Oriente passate al vaglio».
Padre Ippotaddeo, a un cenno di invito di Pantagruele, tra il rispetto di tutti gli astanti, rispose con incredibile modestia:
«Amico mio, voi ci chiedete consiglio, ma prima conviene che siate voi a consultarvi con voi stesso. Siete voi assillato, nel vostro corpo, dagli stimoli della carne?»
«Moltissimo» disse Panurgo, «e non ve ne dispiaccia, reverendo Padre».
«Non c'è di che dispiacersi, amico mio» disse Ippotaddeo. «Ma, nell'imbarazzo in cui vi trovate, avete voi ricevuto da Dio il dono e la grazia speciale della continenza?»
«No» disse Panurgo, «purtroppo no».
«Allora ammogliatevi, amico mio, perché è assai meglio aver moglie che ardere nel fuoco della concupiscenza».
«Questo sì che è un parlare da galantuomo» esclamò Panurgo. «Questo sì che è parlar chiaro senza circumbilinvaginare intorno al vaso166. Grazie infinite, signor padre nostro! Io mi mariterò senza fallo, e molto presto. Vi invito alle mie nozze. Faremo gozzoviglia, corpo di una gallina! Avrete i miei confetti, perzio! E mangeremo oche allo spiedo che non saranno immaginarie come l'oca di Pathelin167. E ancora vi pregherò di aprire la danza delle pulzelle, se vi compiacerete di farmi un tale onore e un tal favore in contraccambio.
«Non resta che un piccolo dubbio da chiarire. Piccolo, dico: meno che niente. Non sarò, putacaso, cornuto?»
«No di certo, amico mio... se così piace a Dio».
«Che la virtù di Dio ci assista» gridò Panurgo. «Perché voi, brava gente, mi cucinate al condizionale, che in dialettica ammette tutte le contraddizioni e impossibilità: se il mio muletto transalpino volasse, il mio muletto transalpino avrebbe le ali; se a Dio non piace non sarò cornuto, ma se gli piace lo sarò.
«Eh già! Se fosse una rogna alla quale io potessi ovviare, non ne farei una tragedia. Ma voi mi rimettete al consiglio privato di Dio, alla camera dei suoi minuti piaceri. Che strada fate per arrivarci, voialtri Francesi?
«A ripensarci, Monsignor reverendo Padre nostro, io credo che sia meglio per voi non farvi vedere alle mie nozze. Il trambusto e il badanai dei convitati vi romperebbero il testamento. Voi amate il riposo, il silenzio, la solitudine. Io credo che voi non ci verrete. E poi, voi ballate abbastanza male e vi sentireste a disagio nell'aprire il primo ballo. Vi manderò dei ciccioli nella vostra stanza e anche un po' di confetti. E berrete alla nostra salute, se vi piacerà».
«Amico mio» replicò Ippotaddeo, «prendete, ve ne prego, le mie parole in senso buono. Quando io dico "se piace a Dio", vi faccio forse torto? È forse un parlar male? Pongo forse una condizione blasfema e scandalosa? Non è onorare il Signore Iddio, creatore, protettore e salvatore? Non è riconoscere in Lui il datore di ogni bene? Non è dichiarare che tutti dipendiamo dalla sua benignità e che senza di Lui nulla siamo, nulla contiamo e nulla possiamo s'egli non effonde su di noi la sua santa grazia? Non è forse porre una restrizione canonica a tutte le nostre imprese e rimettere ogni nostro proposito a quello che sarà disposto dalla sua santa volontà? Non è santificare veramente il suo santissimo nome?
«Voi, amico mio, non sarete cornuto, se a Dio piace. Per sapere poi quale sia il suo piacere non occorre dare della testa nel muro; non bisogna disperarsi come se fosse cosa occulta e per intendere la quale sia necessario consultare il suo consiglio privato ed essere accolti nella stanza dei suoi santissimi piaceri. Il buon Dio ci ha gratificati di questo dono: che ce li ha rivelati, annunziati, dichiarati e apertamente descritti nella Sacra Bibbia.
«Là troverete che giammai sarete cornuto, cioè che vostra moglie non sarà mai ribalda, se la sceglierete nata da gente dabbene, istruita nella virtù e nell'onestà, che abbia coltivato e frequentato soltanto compagnie di buoni costumi, che sia piena di amore e di timore di Dio, desiderosa di compiacerlo nella fede e nell'osservanza dei suoi santi comandamenti, timorosa di offenderlo e di perderne la grazia per mancanza di fede e trasgressione alla sua legge divina, la quale condanna rigorosamente l'adulterio e ingiunge alla moglie di unirsi unicamente al marito, di prediligerlo, servirlo ed amarlo sopra ogni cosa dopo Dio.
«Per confortarla in questa regola di condotta, voi, dal canto vostro, coltiverete l'amicizia coniugale, continuerete a mantenervi onesto, le darete il buon esempio, vivrete pudicamente, castamente, virtuosamente nella vostra famiglia, così come volete che viva lei da parte sua: perché, come degli specchi si dice che è buono e perfetto non già quello più ornato di dorature e di pietre preziose, ma quello che più fedelmente riflette le immagini degli oggetti, così la donna da stimare di più non è la più ricca, più bella ed elegante e di nobile schiatta, ma quella che più si sforza di mantenersi nella buona grazia di Dio e di conformarsi ai costumi del marito.
«Vedete come la luna non prende luce né da Mercurio, né da Giove né da Marte, né da altro pianeta o stella del cielo: essa non la riceve che dal sole, suo marito, e non ne riceve di più di quanta esso gliene dia per sua irradiazione e presenza. Così sarete voi per la vostra sposa: modello ed esempio di virtù ed onestà. E continuamente implorerete la grazia di Dio a vostra protezione».
«Voi volete dunque» disse Panurgo, arricciandosi i mustacchi, «che io sposi la donna forte descritta da Salomone?168 Quella è morta, non c'è alcun dubbio. Io non l'ho mai veduta ch'io mi sappia: Dio me ne perdoni. Molte grazie in ogni modo, Padre mio. Mangiate questa fetta di marzapane, vi aiuterà la digestione; poi beveteci sopra una coppa di ippocrasso169 claretto: è salubre e stomatico. Continuiamo».
CAPITOLO XXXI
Come Panurgo chiede consiglio a Mastro Rotondetto, medico
E Panurgo continuò dicendo:
«La prima parola uscita dalla bocca di colui che tagliava i coglioni ai fraticelli bigi170 a Saussignac, dopo aver scoglionato fra Caldorecchia, fu: "Agli altri!". Lo stesso dico io: "Agli altri!": a voi, Mastro nostro Rotondetto, levatemi dagli impicci. Mi sposo o non mi sposo?»
«Per l'ambio del mio muletto» rispose il medico. «Io non so proprio cosa debba rispondere a un simile quesito. Voi dite di essere assillato dal pungolo della sensualità. Ebbene, noi sappiamo, nella nostra facoltà di Medicina – e lo abbiamo appreso dalle risoluzioni degli antichi platonici – che la concupiscenza carnale si tiene a freno con cinque mezzi: col vino...»
«Lo credo bene» interloquì fra Giovanni. «Io, quando sono sbronzo, non chiedo che di dormire».
«Io intendo» continuò Rotondetto, «col vino bevuto intemperantemente. Perché l'intemperanza nel bere induce nel corpo umano raffreddamento del sangue, rilassatezza dei nervi, dispersione del seme generativo, ebetazione dei sensi, alterazione dei movimenti: che sono tutte condizioni impertinenti all'atto della procreazione. Infatti, voi vedete che Bacco, dio degli ubriaconi, viene raffigurato senza barba, in abito donnesco, come tutto effeminato, eunuco e scoglionato. Altro deve dirsi del vino preso con moderazione. Ce lo insegna l'antico proverbio, nel quale è detto che Venere infrigidisce se non è in compagnia di Cerere e di Bacco171. Ed era opinione degli antichi – secondo il racconto di Diodoro Siculo – e soprattutto dei Lampsacensi, come attesta Pausania, che messer Priapo fosse figlio di Bacco e di Venere.
«Secondo: con certe droghe, foglie ed erbe che rendono l'uomo frigido, maleficiato e impotente. Se ne ha la prova con la nimphea heraclia, il salice amerino, la canapuccia, il periclimeno, il tamarisco, l'agnus castus, la mandragola, la cicuta, l'orchide piccola, la pelle d'ippopotamo e altre sostanze, le quali, penetrate nel corpo umano, sia per le loro virtù elementari, sia per le loro proprietà specifiche, raffreddano e debilitano il germe prolifico, o dissipano gli spiriti che debbono condurlo ai luoghi destinati dalla natura, o ostruiscono le vie e i condotti per i quali dovrebbe essere espulso. Come, al contrario, si danno altre droghe, foglie ed erbe, che riscaldano, eccitano ed abilitano l'uomo all'atto venereo».
«La Dio mercé» disse Panurgo, «io non ne ho bisogno. E voi, mastro nostro? Ma non vi offendete. Non è che dico questo perché vi voglia male».
«Terzo» continuò Rotondetto, «con il lavoro assiduo. Il quale, in effetti, provoca una sì grande usura del corpo che il sangue in esso diffuso per il sostentamento di ciascuna sua parte non ha tempo né agio né facoltà di produrre l'essudazione seminale e la necessaria ridondanza della terza concozione172. La natura riserba a sé particolarmente questa facoltà come più necessaria alla preservazione dell'individuo che alla moltiplicazione della specie e del genere umano. Così Diana è detta casta perché si esercitava continuamente alla caccia. Così, anticamente, gli accampamenti erano detti castra, come a dire casti, perché atleti e soldati vi si esercitavano di continuo. Così scrive Ippocrate nel suo libro De aere, aqua et locis, di alcuni popoli della Scizia, i quali, ai suoi tempi, erano impotenti peggio che eunuchi ai ludi di Venere, perché stavano sempre a cavallo, sempre al lavoro. Come, al contrario, dicono i filosofi che l'oziosità è madre della lussuria.
«Quando si chiedeva ad Ovidio per qual cagione Egisto fosse diventato adultero, Ovidio rispondeva non doversene ricercare altra cagione se non nel fatto ch'egli stava in ozio e che, quando l'ozio sparisse dalla faccia della terra, perirebbero al tempo stesso le arti di Cupido; l'arco, la faretra, gli sarebbero di inutile peso, né più gli riuscirebbe di trafiggere alcuno con i suoi dardi fatali. Perché non è mica un arciere tanto valente che possa, come facevano i Parti, colpire la gru volante per l'aria o il cervo in corsa per le boscaglie, cioè a dire gli uomini operosi e indaffarati. Egli li vuole seduti, coricati, ben riposati e tranquilli. Di fatti Teofrasto, richiesto una volta di dire quali bestie o quali cose fossero a suo parere gli amorini, rispose che erano passioni di spiriti oziosi. Diogene parimenti diceva che la fornicazione è l'occupazione delle persone non altrimenti occupate. Per questo lo scultore Canaco di Sicione, per significare che l'oziosità, la pigrizia, l'infingardaggine sono le mammane della ruffianeria, scolpì una Venere seduta, e non in piedi, come avevano fatto tutti i suoi predecessori.
«Quarto: col fervore degli studi, mediante il quale si consegue un'incredibile dissoluzione degli spiriti vitali, di sorta che non ne resta quanto occorre per sospingere ai luoghi destinati l'essudazione generativa e per inturgidire il nervo cavernoso il cui ufficio è di proiettarla fuori per la propagazione dell'umana natura. Per averne la prova, considerate l'aspetto di un uomo intento a qualche studio. Voi vedrete in lui tutte le arterie del cervello tese come corde di balestra, per fornirgli prontamente gli spiriti bastanti a riempire i ventricoli del senso comune, dell'immaginazione e dell'apprendimento, del raziocinio e del discernimento, della memoria e delle rievocazioni, ed agilmente correre dall'uno all'altro pei condotti che ci rivela l'anatomia, fino alla rete mirabile, dove hanno termine le arterie che prendono origine dal ventricolo sinistro del cuore e attraverso lunghi e tortuosi percorsi affinano gli spiriti vitali facendo sì che diventino spiriti animali173. Ond'è che in tale persona dedita agli studi voi vedrete sospese tutte le facoltà naturali, chiusi i sensi alla percezione del mondo esterno: in breve essa vi apparirà non più in se stessa vivente, ma alienata da sé in una sorta di estasi; e vedrete che Socrate non abusava del termine quando diceva essere la filosofia non altro che meditazione della morte174. Forse è per questo che Democrito si accecò, stimando poco la perdita della vista, rispetto al bene inestimabile delle sue contemplazioni, ch'egli avvertiva impedite dalle curiosità degli occhi175.
«Così è detta vergine Pallade, dea della sapienza, tutrice delle persone studiose; così sono vergini le Muse; così le Grazie osservano eterna castità. E mi ricordo di aver letto che una volta Cupido, interrogato da sua madre Venere, curiosa di sapere perché non assalisse le Muse, rispose che le trovava tanto belle, tanto linde e pudiche, e così assiduamente e variamente occupate nella contemplazione degli astri, nel calcolo dei numeri, nella misurazione dei corpi geometrici, nelle invenzioni rettoriche, nella composizione poetica, nella musica, che avvicinandosi a loro disarmava il suo arco, chiudeva la faretra ed estingueva la sua fiaccola per vergogna e timore di recar loro alcun danno. Poi si toglieva la benda dagli occhi per vederle apertamente in viso e ascoltarne gli accenti poetici e i dilettevoli canti. Là egli si attardava cullato nel più grande piacere del mondo, tanto che, ben lontano dal volerle ferire o in alcun modo distrarre dai loro studi, anzi incantato e soggiogato da tanta beltà e compostezza, spesso si addormentava alla loro armonia.
«Ma è da ricordare, in questo capitolo, anche ciò che scrisse Ippocrate nel libro che ho già detto a proposito degli Sciti, ed anche nel De genitura, dove afferma che sono impotenti a generare tutti coloro cui siano state tagliate le arterie parotidi, che corrono accanto alle orecchie; ciò per la ragione suesposta, quando vi dicevo della dissoluzione degli spiriti vitali e del sangue spirituale di cui le arterie sono ricettacolo; e sostiene altresì che gran parte della sostanza procreativa proviene dal cervello e dal midollo spinale.
«Vi è poi un quinto rimedio, che consiste nell'atto venereo». «Qui vi aspettavo» esclamò Panurgo. «Questo è il rimedio che fa per me. Usi degli altri chi vuole».
«Ed è questo» disse fra Giovanni, «ciò che fra Scillino, priore di San Vittore di Marsiglia, chiama macerazione della carne. E io sono del parere – come già l'eremita di Santa Redegonda sopra Chinon – che meglio non potrebbero gli eremiti macerare i loro corpi, domare questa sensualità scostumata, reprimere la ribellione della carne, che praticandola venticinque o trenta volte al giorno».
«Io» disse Rotondetto, «vedo Panurgo ben proporzionato nelle sue membra, ben temperato nei suoi umori, bene equilibrato negli spiriti, in età conveniente, anzi la più propizia per aspirare a giusto titolo al matrimonio: se egli avrà la ventura di incontrare donna di eguale temperamento, ne nasceranno figli degni di qualche monarchia d'oltremare. E più presto sarà meglio sarà, se vuol vedere stabiliti tutti i suoi figli».
«Signor mastro nostro» disse Panurgo, «io lo farò, siatene certo, e molto molto presto. Mentre ascoltavo il vostro dotto discorso, questa pulce che ho nell'orecchio mi ha solleticato più che mai. Vi considero fin d'ora presente alla festa. Faremo un carnevale e mezzo, ve lo prometto. Voi condurrete vostra moglie, se vi farà piacere, e insieme alle sue vicine, beninteso. Ma niente giochi di mano!»
CAPITOLO XXXII
Come Rotondetto mette in chiaro che le corna sono un appannaggio naturale della condizione di marito
«Rimane» continuò Panurgo, «un piccolo, piccolissimo particolare: S.P.Q.R., Si Peu Que Rien, come vi sarà capitato qualche volta di leggere sul gonfalone di Roma: tanto poco quanto niente; insomma un'inezia: sarò o non sarò cornuto?»
«Janua Coeli!» esclamò Rotondetto. «Che domanda è mai questa? Essere cornuto! Ma io, caro amico, sono già ammogliato, e voi lo sarete ben presto. Mettetevi bene in testa, e scrivetelo col bulino nel vostro cervello, che ogni uomo sposato corre il rischio di essere becco. Le corna sono naturalmente uno degli appannaggi del matrimonio. Come l'ombra segue il corpo, così e altrettanto naturalmente la cornutezza segue i mariti. E quando udrete dire di qualcuno queste tre parole: "Egli è ammogliato" potrete aggiungere queste dodici: "Ergo egli è, o è stato o sarà o può essere cornuto", senza timore di essere tacciato di imperizia nell'architettare conseguenze naturali».
«Ipocondria di tutti i diavoli!» gridò Panurgo. «Che cosa mi raccontate?»
«Amico mio» rispose Rotondetto, «Ippocrate, un giorno, dovendo recarsi da Lango a Polistillo176 per visitare il filosofo Democrito, e non volendo che sua moglie restasse sola in casa, scrisse una lettera a Dionigi suo vecchio amico, perché la riconducesse presso i genitori, persone onorate e di tutta fiducia. E aggiungeva: "Ti prego tuttavia, ad ogni buon fine, di vegliare assiduamente su di lei, di spiare ovunque vada con sua madre e di tener d'occhio le persone che frequenta e che le renderanno visita. Non già ch'io diffidi della sua onestà e pudicizia, che ben conosco, quanto al passato, per mille prove; ma essa è donna, ecco tutto".
«Il naturale delle donne, ci è ben raffigurato dalla luna sotto diversi aspetti, e soprattutto in questo: che esse si nascondono, si appartano, si fanno simulatrici al cospetto e in presenza dei loro mariti; ma, assente il marito, si prendono la rivincita, si danno bel tempo, girano, trottano, depongono ogni ipocrisia, si dichiarano. Proprio come la luna, che quand'è in congiunzione col sole non appare né in cielo né in terra, ma quand'è in opposizione, cioè nel punto più lontano dal sole, risplende nella sua pienezza e tutta si manifesta. Così tutte le donne propriamente donne.
«Quando dico donna, dico un sesso tanto fragile e (pur con tutto il rispetto e la reverenza che gli son dovuti) tanto mutevole, tanto labile, incostante e imperfetto da farmi credere che la natura, quando ha fatto la donna, abbia smarrito quel buon senso onde aveva creato e formato tutto il resto. E io, avendoci pensato cento e cinquecento volte, non so che altro concludere se non che essa natura, forgiando la donna, abbia avuto riguardo al diletto sociale dell'uomo e alla perpetuazione della specie umana assai più che alla perfezione dell'individualità muliebre. Certo è che Platone non sa in quale rango collocarla, se fra gli esseri ragionevoli o fra gli animali bruti. Infatti la natura ha posto dentro il loro corpo, in un luogo segreto e intestino, un animale, un organo che l'uomo non ha177, nel quale talora si generano certi umori salsi, nitrosi, borraccinosi, acri, mordicanti, lancinanti, acutamente urticanti, per le punture e l'infuocata prurigine dei quali (poiché quest'organo è tutto nervoso ed ipersensibile) tutto il corpo è scosso, tutti i sensi rapiti, tutte le passioni esaltate e rinfocolate, tutti i pensieri confusi. Di modo che se Natura non avesse irrorato loro la fronte di un po' di vergogna, voi le vedreste correre attorno a saccheggiar braghette come forsennate, tal quale le Pretidi178, le Mimallonidi, le Tiadi179 bacchiche nel giorno dei baccanali, e con furia anche più spaventevole; perché questo terribile animale ha connessioni con tutte le principali parti del corpo, come è evidente in anatomia:
«Io lo chiamo animale, seguendo la dottrina sia degli accademici sia dei peripatetici. Poiché se il movimento in proprio è indizio certo di cosa animata, come scrive Aristotele, e tutto ciò che si muove da sé è detto animale, a buon diritto Platone lo chiama così, riconoscendo in esso movimenti suoi propri di soffocazione, di precipitazione, di corrugazione, di indignazione, e così violenti che sovente ne vien tolto alla donna ogni altro senso e movimento, come si trattasse di lipotimia, sincope, epilessia, apoplessia, e veri sintomi di morte. Inoltre, vi riscontriamo una manifesta attitudine a distinguere gli odori, e le donne avvertono ch'esso fugge i mefitici e segue gli aromatici180.
«Io so che Galeno si sforza di dimostrare che non si tratta di movimenti in proprio, bensì accidentali, e che altri della sua setta si affannano a dimostrare che non vi è in codesto organo discernimento sensitivo degli odori, bensì reazioni diverse provenienti dalla diversità delle sostanze odoranti. Ma se voi esaminate accuratamente e pesate i loro argomenti e ragioni sulla bilancia di Critolao181, troverete che in questa materia, come in altre non poche, essi hanno parlato più per leggerezza e per il piacere di contraddire i loro predecessori che per spirito di verità.
«Io non andrò più oltre in questa disputa. Soltanto vi dirò che non è piccola lode quella delle donne pudiche, che sono vissute onestamente e senza biasimo, ed hanno avuto la virtù di sottomettere questo animale sfrenato all'obbedienza della ragione. E per finire aggiungerò che soltanto una volta saziato – se sazio mai può essere – questo animale dall'alimento che la natura gli ha apparecchiato nell'uomo, soltanto allora e non prima, tutti i suoi movimenti particolari hanno fine, i suoi appetiti si assopiscono, le sue furie si acquetano. Perciò non vi è nulla di che meravigliarsi se noi siamo in perpetuo sul punto di essere fatti cornuti, noi che non sempre abbiamo di che appagare e soddisfare le sue voglie».
«Virtù di nient'altro che di un piccolo pesce!» esclamò Panurgo. «Ma voi, nella vostra arte medica, non avete un rimedio per questo?»
«Certo sì, amico mio! Anzi un ottimo rimedio che pratico io stesso e del quale si illustrano le virtù nell'opera di un celebre autore di milleottocento anni fa. Ascoltate».
«Voi, per la Virtù di Dio» disse Panurgo, «siete un uomo dabbene e io vi amo dal più profondo dell'anima mia. Mangiate un po' di questo paté di cotogne. Le cotogne, sapete, chiudono come si deve l'orifizio del ventricolo, grazie a una certa felice proprietà astringente che hanno dentro, e favoriscono la prima concozione. Ma cosa dico? Voi queste cose le sapete meglio di me. Aspettate che vi verso da bere in questo calice degno di Nestore. Che ne direste di un'altra sorsata di ippocrasso, di quello bianco? No no, niente paura della squinanzìa182: non c'è dentro squinante, né zenzero, né semi di Paradiso. Non c'è che cannella di prima scelta, bello zucchero raffinato, e di quel buon vino bianco della vigna del gran sorbo, che per andarci si passa sotto al noce corviero nel fondo della Devinière183».
CAPITOLO XXXIII
Come Rotondetto rivela il rimedio per le corna
«Quando Giove» disse Rotondetto, «diede mano all'assetto della sua olimpica magione, dettando il calendario di tutti gli iddii e le dee della sua corte, e assegnando a ognuno il giorno e la stagione della sua festa, stabilendo il luogo per gli oracoli e i pellegrinaggi, regolando i sacrifici...»
«Non avrà mica fatto» lo interruppe Panurgo, «come Tinteville, il vescovo di Auxerre? Il nobile prelato amava il vino buono come fa ogni persona dabbene; e perciò aveva cura e pensiero speciale per mastro Pampino, bisavolo di Bacco. Ora avvenne che per parecchi anni egli vide con dolore i germogli distrutti da gelate, nebbie, pruine, galaverne, nembi, grandinate ed altre calamità, proprio nelle ricorrenze festive dei Santi Giorgio, Marco, Vitale, Eutropio, Filippo, Santa Croce, Ascensione eccetera, tutte comprese nel tempo in cui il sole entra nella costellazione del Toro184. Venuto perciò nella convinzione che questi santi fossero santi tempestiferi, congelatori e guastatori dei germogli, voleva trasferirne le feste in inverno, fra Natale e l'Epifania, autorizzandoli, con ogni onore e devozione, a mandar giù grandine e gelo quanto volessero, essendo che in quel tempo dell'anno grandine e gelo non sono dannosi, anzi giovevoli alla prosperità delle vigne. Al loro posto poi avrebbe messo le feste di San Cristoforo, San Giovanni Decollato, Santa Maddalena, Sant'Anna, San Domenico, San Lorenzo; e conseguentemente, a mezzo maggio, il quindici agosto: tempo nel quale non v'ha motivo di temere il gelo, ché anzi non c'è allora mestiere tanto ricercato come quello di sorbettiere, di fabbricante di giuncate, di costruttore di infrascati, di venditore di formaggi freschi o di vini ghiacciati».
«Giove, dicevo» continuò Rotondetto, «dimenticò quel povero diavolo del dio delle Corna185, il quale, in quei giorni non era presente. Infatti si trovava a Parigi per sollecitare uno di quei fottuti processi messi su da qualche suo fottutissimo censuario o vassallo. Non so quanti giorni dopo egli venne a sapere del tiro che gli avevano giocato e, desistendo dal sollecitare processi per la sollecitudine ben più grave di non essere escluso dal consesso degli dèi, si presentò di persona davanti al grande Giove, allegando i suoi meriti precorsi e i buoni e dilettevoli offici che gli aveva reso altra volta; e chiedendo insistentemente di non essere lasciato così in un cantuccio, senza feste né sacrifizi né onori. Giove si scusava col dire che tutti i benefizi disponibili erano ormai assegnati e che lo statino era chiuso. Cionondimeno, tante e tali furono le rimostranze e le insistenze del dio delle Corna che Giove alla fine lo incluse nella lista per levarselo di torno. Ma la sua festa, dato che in tutto il calendario non c'era più un posto libero né un giorno vacante, venne a cadere insieme e in concorrenza con quella della dea Gelosia, con giurisdizione a lui assegnata su tutti i mariti, quelli in ispecie che avessero una moglie bella. Suoi sacrifizi, il sospetto, la diffidenza, la rampogna, l'agguato, il pedinamento e lo spionaggio dei mariti sulle proprie mogli; suo appannaggio, l'ingiunzione rigorosa ad ogni marito di riverirlo e onorarlo, di celebrarne la festa con duplice pompa e di adempiere ai suddetti sacrifizi, sotto pena e minaccia, per coloro che non l'avessero onorato come prescritto, di perdere ogni suo aiuto, protezione e favore. Il dio non li avrebbe tenuti in alcun conto, mai non sarebbe entrato nelle loro case, mai non avrebbe cercato la loro compagnia, per quante invocazioni gli rivolgessero; che anzi li avrebbe lasciati eternamente a marcire in solitudine con le loro mogli, senza nemmeno uno straccio di rivale; e li avrebbe sfuggiti per sempre quali eretici, empî e sacrileghi; così come fanno gli altri dèi con coloro che non li onorano debitamente: Bacco coi vignaiuoli, Cerere con gli agricoltori, Pomona coi pomicoltori, Nettuno coi navigatori, Vulcano con i fabbri e così via. Inoltre e per contro, a coloro che osservassero il riposo, come detto, nel giorno della sua festa, che tralasciassero ogni negozio e trascurassero i propri affari per pedinare e spiare le loro donne, segregarle e maltrattarle in conformità dei sacrifizi prescritti, fu fatta promessa solenne che il dio dei Cornuti li avrebbe gratificati continuamente dei suoi favori, li avrebbe amati e frequentati, sarebbe stato giorno e notte in casa loro, né mai li avrebbe privati della sua compagnia. Ho detto!»
«Ah ah!» disse Carpalim, ridendo. «Ecco un rimedio più naturale ancora dell'anello di Hans Carvel. Che il diavolo mi porti se non ci credo. Perché la natura delle donne è fatta così. Come la folgore non fulmina e non schianta se non le cose dure, compatte e resistenti, senza curarsi delle cose molli, vuote e cedevoli (e spezzerà la spada d'acciaio senza guastarne il fodero di velluto, e distruggerà le ossa del corpo senza scalfire la carne che le ricopre) così le donne non concentrano mai il loro capriccio, la loro sottigliezza e il loro spirito di contraddizione se non sulle cose che sanno esser loro illecite e proibite».
«Certo!» disse Ippotaddeo. «Alcuni dei nostri dottori affermano che la prima donna del mondo, che gli Ebrei chiamano Eva, difficilmente sarebbe stata indotta in tentazione e forse non avrebbe mangiato il frutto della conoscenza se questo non le fosse stato interdetto. E che sia così ben lo si accerta considerando come accortamente il Tentatore, fin dalle prime parole, le rammentò il divieto dell'Eterno su questo punto, come a voler significare: "Ti è proibito e dunque ne devi mangiare, altrimenti non saresti donna"».
CAPITOLO XXXIV
Come ordinariamente le donne appetiscono cose proibite
«Ai tempi» disse Carpalim, «che io facevo il ruffiano a Orléans, non avevo espediente rettorico più efficace, né argomento più convincente per irretire le dame e persuaderle agli svaghi amorosi, che di mostrar loro arditamente, chiaramente e brutalmente fino a che punto i mariti ne fossero gelosi. E non l'avevo mica inventata io: sta scritto, e ne abbiamo sentenze, esempi, ragioni, ed anche esperienze quotidiane. Con questa convinzione radicata nella zucca, esse faranno becchi infallantemente i loro mariti, dovessero pure, per Dio! (senza offesa), seguir l'esempio di Semiramide, di Pasife, di Egesta, o delle donne dell'isola di Mendes in Egitto, ben ritratte e blasonate da Erodoto e Strabone, o d'altre consimili cagne in calore».
«Anch'io» disse Ponocrate, «ho inteso raccontare che papa Giovanni XXII, passando un giorno per l'Abbazia di Connofondo186, fu richiesto dalla Badessa e dalle suore anziane di concedere loro un indulto, in virtù del quale si potessero confessare scambievolmente, adducendo che le religiose van soggette a piccole imperfezioni segrete che è per loro insopportabile vergogna svelare ai confessori uomini, mentre più liberamente, più familiarmente se le confiderebbero fra loro, sotto il suggello della confessione.
«"Non c'è nulla" rispose papa, "che io non vi conceda volentieri; ma ci vedo un inconveniente, ed è che la confessione dev'essere mantenuta segreta; e voi altre donne a gran fatica ci riuscirete".
«"Noi ci riusciremo benissimo" replicarono quelle: "e assai meglio che non facciano gli uomini".
«Lo stesso giorno il Santo Padre affidò loro in custodia una scatola nella quale aveva fatto rinchiudere un piccolo fanello, pregandole amabilmente di riporla in qualche luogo sicuro e segreto; promettendo loro, parola di papa, di esaudirle nella loro richiesta se l'avessero conservata segretamente; e nondimeno facendo loro divieto rigoroso di aprirla per qualsiasi ragione sotto pena di censura ecclesiastica e di scomunica eterna. Non sì tosto fu espresso quel divieto che già le monache friggevano dentro per la smania di sapere cosa mai ci fosse in quella scatola e non vedevano l'ora che il papa fosse fuori della porta per levarsi la curiosità. Il Santo Padre, dopo aver impartito loro la sua benedizione, si ritirò nel suo alloggio. Ma non aveva fatto tre passi fuori dell'Abbazia, che già le brave monache accorrevano in frotta per aprire la scatola proibita e vedere cosa mai vi fosse dentro. Il giorno dopo il papa tornò a visitarle, con l'intenzione, sembrava loro, di rilasciare l'indulto. Ma prima di entrare in argomento, il papa comandò che gli portassero la sua scatola. Gliela portarono; ma l'uccelletto non c'era più. E il papa ebbe buon gioco a dimostrare quanto fosse difficile per loro serbare il segreto della confessione, visto che non avevano serbato nemmeno per un giorno il segreto della scatola, nonostante il severo divieto».
«Signor mastro nostro» disse Panurgo, «che siate il benvenuto. Io ho provato grandissimo piacere nell'ascoltarvi e ne rendo lodi al buon Dio. Non vi avevo più veduto da quando rappresentaste a Montpellier, con i nostri antichi amici Antonio Saporta, Guido Bouguier, Baldassarre Noyer, Tolet, Gian Quintino, Francesco Robinet, Giovanni Pedrier, e Francesco Rabelais, la commedia morale di quello che aveva sposato una donna muta».
«C'ero anch'io» disse Epistemone. «Il buon marito voleva che parlasse. E lei parlò grazie all'arte di un medico e di un chirurgo che le tagliarono lo scilinguagnolo. Ma, dopo aver recuperata la favella, lei tanto parla e tanto parla che il marito ritorna dal medico per un rimedio che la faccia tacere. Il medico risponde che lui, nell'arte sua, conosce i rimedi per dare la favella alle donne, ma non per toglierla; e che l'unico rimedio, nel caso di una moglie insopportabilmente loquace, è la sordità del marito. Per non so quali incantesimi che gli fanno, il baggiano diventa sordo. La moglie, vedendo che il marito è diventato sordo e che lei blatera al vento perché tanto lui non la sente, diventa furiosa. Quando il medico ritorna per chiedere l'onorario, il marito risponde ch'egli è sordo per davvero e non capisce la domanda. Il medico gli getta addosso non so che polverina per virtù della quale l'uomo diventa pazzo. E allora il marito pazzo e la moglie furiosa si trovano d'accordo nel bastonare il medico e il chirurgo, e tante gliene danno a tutti e due da lasciarli più morti che vivi. Parola che non ho mai riso tanto come a vedere quella baggianata».
«Torniamo a bottega» disse Panurgo a Rotondetto. «Le vostre parole, voltate dal maccaronico in buon francese, stanno a significare che io dovrei prendere moglie arditamente e senza preoccuparmi troppo d'esser becco. Voi mi rispondete picche, signor mastro nostro. E io ho l'impressione che il giorno delle mie nozze sarete trattenuto altrove dai vostri clienti e non potrete nemmeno farvi vedere. Vi tengo già per scusato:
Stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima.
Ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana»187.
«Voi vi sbagliate» disse Rotondetto; «il secondo verso è così:
Nobis sunt signa vobis sunt prandia digna.
«E se mia moglie si sente male, prima di procedere oltre io le esamino l'urina, le tasto il polso e osservo ben bene le condizioni del basso ventre nonché della regione ombellicare, come insegna appunto Ippocrate, Aforismi, II, 35».
«No no» disse Panurgo, «tutto sbagliato. Questa è faccenda di noialtri legisti che abbiamo la rubrica De ventre inspiciendo188. Se mia moglie si sente male, so io come farle un clistere alla brutta. E voi badate pure ai fatti vostri, d'altronde più urgenti. Vi manderò dei ciccioli a casa, e sempre amici naturalmente». Poi gli si fece accanto e gli mise in mano, senza dir parola, quattro nobili d'oro con la rosa.
Rotondetto li prese, poi gli disse, turbato e come offeso:
«Eh, eh, eh, signore, non occorreva. Molte grazie a ogni modo. Io non prendo mai niente dalla gente malvagia, ma niente rifiuto dalle persone dabbene. E sempre ai vostri ordini».
«Pagando» disse Panurgo.
«S'intende» rispose Rotondetto.
CAPITOLO XXXV
Come Mastro Intruglia tratta le difficoltà del matrimonio
Terminati questi discorsi, Pantagruele si volse a Mastro Intruglia filosofo:
«A voi, nostro fedele» disse. «La fiaccola, passando da una mano all'altra, è giunta nelle mani vostre. Tocca a voi, adesso, rispondere: Panurgo deve o non deve ammogliarsi?»
«L'una cosa e l'altra» disse Mastro Intruglia.
«Cosa avete detto?» chiese Panurgo.
«Quello che avete udito» rispose Intruglia.
«E che cosa ho udito?»
«Quello che io ho detto».
«Ah, siamo a questo punto?» disse Panurgo. «Allora buttiamo a monte e rifacciamo le carte. Debbo ammogliarmi, sì o no?»
«Né l'una cosa né l'altra» rispose Intruglia.
«Che mi venga un colpo se non divento balengo!» disse Panurgo.
«E che il diavolo mi porti se vi capisco. Aspettate, che mi metto gli occhiali a questa orecchia destra per udirvi meglio».
In quel momento Pantagruele scorse sulla porta della sala il piccolo cane di Gargantua, ch'egli chiamava Kyne189, perché tale era stato il nome del cane di Tobia. E disse a tutti:
«Alziamoci: il nostro re non è lontano di qui».
Non aveva finito di parlare che Gargantua entrò nella sala del banchetto. Tutti si alzarono in segno di riverenza, e Gargantua, poi che li ebbe salutati bonariamente, disse loro:
«Miei buoni amici, voi mi farete il favore, ve ne prego, di non lasciare né i vostri posti né i vostri discorsi. Datemi qui una sedia a questo capo di tavola, portatemi qualcosa da bere alla vostra salute, siate i benvenuti e ditemi di che cosa stavate parlando».
Pantagruele gli spiegò che, alla seconda portata, Panurgo aveva posto una questione problematica, se cioè dovesse o no prender moglie; che il padre Ippotaddeo e il medico Rotondetto avevano già esaurito i loro responsi; che adesso, per l'appunto, il fedele Mastro Intruglia stava dicendo la sua; che alla prima domanda di Panurgo, se dovesse sposarsi o no, Intruglia aveva risposto: «L'una e l'altra cosa», e che, a una seconda identica domanda, aveva risposto: «Né l'una né l'altra».
«E adesso» concluse Pantagruele, «Panurgo si lagna di tali risposte incompatibili e contraddittorie e protesta di non capirci niente».
«Io invece credo di capire» disse Gargantua. «La risposa è simile a quella che diede un antico filosofo a chi gli domandava se possedesse una certa donna. "Io l'ho amica" rispose, "ma lei non mi ha mica: io la possiedo, ma non ne sono posseduto"».
«Una risposta del genere» disse Pantagruele, «la diede anche una fantesca spartana. A chi le chideva se avesse mai avuto a che fare con un uomo, lei rispose che no: che gli uomini sì, qualche volta, avevano avuto a che fare con lei»190.
«Così» disse Rotondetto, «noi diciamo neutro in medicina e medio in filosofia, per significare la partecipazione all'uno e all'altro estremo, il rifiuto dell'uno e dell'altro estremo e la ripartizione del tempo nell'uno e nell'altro estremo».
«A me pare» disse Ippotaddeo, «che il Santo Inviato l'abbia espresso ben più chiaramente là dove dice: "Coloro che son maritati, siano come non maritati, coloro che hanno moglie siano come se non l'avessero"»191.
«Per me» disse Pantagruele, «l'avere e il non avere moglie dev'essere inteso in questo modo: che aver moglie vuol dire averla per l'uso cui la natura l'ha destinata, cioè per l'aiuto, lo svago e la compagnia dell'uomo; il non averla vuol dire non impoltronirsi attorno alle sue sottane, non contaminare per lei l'unico e supremo amore che l'uomo deve a Dio, non trascurare i doveri ch'egli naturalmente deve alla patria, alla Repubblica e agli amici, non trascurare gli studi e gli affari per compiacere continuamente alla moglie. Interpretando così l'avere e il non aver moglie, io non ci vedo incompatibilità né contraddizione in termini».
CAPITOLO XXXVI
Continuazione delle risposte di Mastro Intruglia, filosofo efettico192 e pirronista
«Voi parlate armonioso come un organo» disse Panurgo, «ma io credo di essere sprofondato nel pozzo tenebroso nel quale, diceva Eraclito, si nasconde la verità. Io non ci vedo un accidente, non ci capisco niente, mi sento tutto inebetito e temo fortemente di essere affatturato. Parlerò in altro stile. Non vi muovete, fedele amico; non intascate la posta; cambiamo il mazzo, rifacciamo la mano e parliamo senza disgiuntive, perchè, a quanto vedo, queste frasi mal congiunte vi seccano. Dunque, in nome di Dio, devo sposarmi?»
Intruglia: «Parrebbe».
Panurgo: «Se invece non mi sposo?»
Int. «Non ci vedo inconveniente».
Pan. «Proprio nessuno?»
Int. «Nessuno, se la vista non m'inganna».
Pan. «Io ce ne vedo più di cinquecento».
Int. «Enumerateli».
Pan. «Ho detto per dire. Ho preso il certo per l'incerto e il definito per l'indefinito. Volevo dire molti».
Int. «Vi ascolto».
Pan. «Io non posso fare a meno della moglie, per tutti i diavoli».
Int. «Lasciamo stare queste brutte bestie».
Pan. «Per Iddio, allora! Perché i miei Guazzettesi dicono che coricarsi da soli, cioè senza moglie è una vita da bestie; e lo diceva anche Didone nelle sue lamentazioni».
Int. «Ai vostri ordini».
Pan. «Corpo di Dio, son proprio sistemato! Ma insomma, devo sposarmi?»
Int. «Forse».
Pan. «Mi andrà bene?»
Int. «Dipende dall'incontro».
Pan. «Se incontro bene, come spero, sarò felice?»
Int. «Abbastanza».
Pan. «Voltiamola a contropelo: e se incontro male?»
Int. «Me ne scuso».
Pan. «Ma insomma, consigliatemi. Ditemi cosa devo fare».
Int. «Quello che vorrete».
Pan. «Patapim patapà».
Int. «Non imprecate, ve ne prego».
Pan. «E allora sia detto in nome di Dio. Io non voglio fare altro che seguire il vostro consiglio. Cosa mi consigliate?»
Int. «Niente».
Pan. «Mi ammoglierò?»
Int. «Io non c'ero».
Pan. «Non mi ammoglierò, allora?»
Int. «Ho detto».
Pan. «Se non mi sposo, sarò cornuto?»
Int. «Ci stavo pensando».
Pan. «Mettiamo il caso che io sia sposato».
Int. «Dove lo mettiamo?»
Pan. «Volevo dire, facciamo il caso».
Int. «Non faccio casi. Ho ben altro da fare».
Pan. «Merda al mio naso! Già! Se riuscissi a tirar qualche moccolo in sordina, mi sentirei molto meglio! Basta, pazienza! Dunque, se mi sposassi, sarei cornuto?»
Int. «Si direbbe».
Pan. «Ma se mia moglie è onesta e casta, sarò cornuto lo stesso?»
Int. «Mi sembra corretto».
Pan. «Statemi a sentire».
Int. «Finché vorrete».
Pan. «Sarà onesta e casta?»
Int. «Ne dubito».
Pan. «L'avete mai veduta?»
Int. «No, ch'io mi sappia».
Pan. «E perché dubitate di una cosa che non conoscete?»
Int. «Ho un motivo».
Pan. «E se la conosceste».
Int. «Ne avrei due».
Pan. «Paggio, angelo mio, prendi il mio berretto, te lo regalo, salvo gli occhiali, e va in cortile a bestemmiare una mezz'oretta per conto mio. Io bestemmierò per te quando vorrai. Ma chi, chi mi farà becco?»
Int. «Qualcuno».
Pan. «Ventre d'un bue di legno! Ma io gli torco il collo a questo signor qualcuno!»
Int. «Lo dite».
Pan. «Che il diavolo nero, quello che non ha bianco nemmeno il bianco degli occhi, mi porti via seco lui, se ogni volta che esco dal mio serraglio non metto a mia moglie la cintura alla bergamasca!193»
Int. «Parlate meglio».
Pan. «Sì, se non mi s'ingorga il gargarozzo194. Ma veniamo a qualche conclusione».
Int. «Nulla in contrario».
Pan. «Aspettate. Poiché da questa parte non riesco a tirar sangue, credo che vi salasserò da un'altra vena. Siete ammogliato, voi, o no?»
Int. «Né l'una né l'altra e le due insieme».
Pan. «Che Dio ci aiuti. Io sudo e trangoscio, e sento che mi si ferma la digestione. Tutti i miei spiriti precordi e diaframmi sono tesi e sospesi nello sforzo di incornifistibulare nel carniere dell'intendimento ciò che dite e rispondete».
Int. «La cosa non mi disturba».
Pan. «Arrilà, fedel nostro fedelissimo, siete voi coniugato?»
Int. «Così mi sembra».
Pan. «E lo foste già altra volta?»
Int. «È possibile».
Pan. «Ve ne trovaste bene la prima volta?»
Int. «Non è impossibile».
Pan. «E questa seconda volta, come va?»
Int. «Come è scritto nel mio destino»,
Pan. «Ma insomma, a ragion veduta, potete dire di trovarvi bene?»
Int. «È verosimile».
Pan. «In nome di Dio e del fardello di San Cristoforo! Giuro che avrei fatto meglio a cercare di cavar peti da un asino morto che una conclusione da voi. Ma questa volta vi tengo. Avanti, fedelissimo nostro, rompiamo le corna al Diavolo d'inferno e confessiamo la verità. Siete mai stato cornuto? No, non parlo a quello là che gioca a palla in cortile: parlo a voi che siete qui. Ripeto: siete mai stato cornuto?»
Int. «No, se non era scritto».
Pan. «Per la carne, rinnego! per il sangue, ripudio! per il corpo rinuncio! È inutile: questo qui mi sguscia via come un'anguilla».
A queste parole, Gargantua si levò e disse:
«Lodato sia il buon Dio in ogni cosa. A quel che vedo il mondo ha fatto strada da quando l'ho conosciuto la prima volta. A questo siam giunti, che oggidì anche i filosofi più dotti e prudenti sono entrati nel frontisterio e nella scuola dei pirroniani, aporetici, scettici ed efettici! Lodato sia il buon Dio. Veramente, d'ora in avanti si potran prendere i leoni per il ciuffo, i cavalli per la criniera, i buoi per le corna, i bufali per il muso, i lupi per la coda, le capre per la barba, gli uccelli per i piedi, ma non siffatti filosofi per le loro parole. Addio, miei buoni amici». Detto questo, lasciò la compagnia. Pantagruele e gli altri volevano seguirlo, ma egli non lo permise.
Uscito Gargantua dalla sala, Pantagruele disse ai convitati:
«Nel dialogo di Platone, Timeo contò i convenuti al principio dell'assemblea: noi, al contrario, li conteremo alla fine. Uno, due, tre: dov'è il quarto?195 Non era il nostro amico Brigliadoca?»
Epistemone rispose di essersi recato alla sua casa per invitarlo e di non averlo trovato. Un usciere del Parlamento miralinguese in Miralingua era stato a cercarlo per una citazione a comparire personalmente davanti ai senatori, ai quali doveva rendere ragione di certe sue sentenze. Per questo era partito fin dal mattino avanti per essere presente nel giorno stabilito e non dar luogo così a un giudizio per assenza o contumacia.
«Devo sapere di che si tratta» disse Pantagruele. «Brigliadoca è giudice di Fonsbeton da più di quarant'anni e in questo tempo ha emesso più di quattromila sentenze definitive. Per duemila trecento e nove di queste sentenze, fu interposto appello dalle parti perdenti davanti alla corte suprema del parlamento miralinguese in Miralingua, e tutte, per decisione di quella Corte sono state ratificate, approvate e confermate; e gli appelli respinti e annullati. Che adesso vecchio com'è, venga citato a comparire personalmente, lui che per tutta la vita ha adempiuto così santamente ai doveri del suo ufficio, non può non essere segno di un qualche disastro. E io voglio aiutarlo con tutto il mio potere, secondo equità. So bene che la malignità del mondo è giunta a tal punto che anche il buon diritto ha bisogno di aiuto. Così ho deciso di occuparmene senza indugio, perché ho timore di qualche sorpresa».
Allora furon levate le mense. E Pantagruele, dopo avere onorato gli invitati con doni preziosi di anelli, gioielli e vasellami, sia d'oro sia d'argento, e dopo averli cordialmente ringraziati, si ritirò nelle sue stanze.
CAPITOLO XXXVII
Come Pantagruele esorta Panurgo a consultarsi con un pazzo
Ritirandosi, Pantagruele scorse nel loggiato Panurgo che andava su e giù farneticando e dimenando la testa. E gli disse:
«Voi mi sembrate un sorcio caduto nella pece, che più si dibatte per uscirne e più s'impegola. Non diversamente, nello sforzo di liberarvi dal cappio della perplessità, voi vi ci incapestrate sempre di più. E io non ci trovo rimedio, se non forse questo: sentite. Spesso mi è giunto all'orecchio un proverbio popolare che dice "pazzo per natura, savio per ventura". E poiché le risposte dei savi non vi hanno dato soddisfazione, io vi dico: consigliatevi con un pazzo: può darsi che per questa via restiate meglio soddisfatto e contento. Voi sapete quanti principi, re e repubbliche sono stati salvati, quante battaglie vinte, quante perplessità risolte, grazie ai giudizi, ai consigli e alle predizioni dei pazzi.
«Non c'è bisogno, credo, di rammentarne a voi i mille esempi. Vi basterà questa considerazione: come colui che cura da vicino i suoi affari privati e domestici, che è vigilante ed attento al governo della sua casa, che mai non perde controllo di sé, che non perde occasione di accumulare beni e ricchezze, che sa ovviare con cautela alle angustie della povertà, voi, in questo mondo, lo chiamate savio, laddove egli è demente nell'estimazione delle Intelligenze celesti; così, per essere savio al cospetto di quelle – intendo saggio e presago per ispirazione divina e atto a ricevere il dono della divinazione – occorre obliarsi, uscire da se medesimi, affrancare i sensi da ogni passione terrena, purgare lo spirito da ogni umana sollecitudine e metter tutto in non cale: il che, comunemente è imputato a follia.
«Così il grande vaticinatore Fauno, figlio di Pico re dei Latini, fu chiamato Fatuello dal volgo ignorante196.
«Così vediamo tra i saltimbanchi, nella distribuzione delle parti, che il personaggio dello sciocco e del fatuo è sempre impersonato dall'attore più dotato ed esperto della compagnia.
«Analogamente, gli astrologi dicono che uno stesso oroscopo pertiene alla nascita dei re e degli sciocchi, e infatti, dicono, Enea e Corebo (pazzo, quest'ultimo, secondo Euforione) ebbero lo stesso genetliaco. E non credo di uscire dal seminato ricordandovi ciò che racconta Giovanni André, commentando un canone di un certo rescritto papale indirizzato al sindaco e ai borghesi della Rochelle, a proposito di Ser Gianni di Parigi, famosissimo matto e bisavolo di Quaglietta197: racconto che ritroviamo nel commento del Panormitano allo stesso canone, nelle Annotazioni alle Pandette del Barbazia e, più recentemente, nei Consigli di Giasone.
«Il caso è questo:
«A Parigi, al Piccolo Castelletto, davanti alla mostra di un rosticciere, un facchino mangiava il suo pane insaporito al fumo dell'arrosto, e così lo trovava profumato, straordinariamente gustoso. Il rosticciere lo lasciava fare. A un certo punto però, come il facchino ebbe finito di trangugiare tutta la sua pagnotta, il rosticciere lo prese per il colletto e pretendeva che gli pagasse il fumo dell'arrosto. Il facchino rispose che lui non aveva preso niente, che la carne non l'aveva nemmeno toccata e che non gli era debitore di niente: quel fumo usciva per conto suo dalla bottega e svaporava per l'aria andando in ogni modo perduto; e poi non si era mai sentito che in Parigi si vendesse fumo d'arrosto per la strada.
«Il rosticciere replica che non era tenuto a nutrire i facchini con il fumo del suo arrosto e che se lui non l'avesse pagato gli avrebbe strappato di dosso le tracolle. Il facchino allora impugnò il suo batacchio e si mise sulle difese.
«L'alterco non finiva mai, il popolo badalone di Parigi vi accorreva da tutte le parti, e vi si trovò a proposito anche Ser Gianni il pazzo, cittadino di Parigi.
«Avendolo scorto, il rosticciere disse al facchino: "Vuoi tu, per la nostra lite, rimetterti al giudizio di questo nobile Ser Gianni?". "Sangue del mio! Certo che voglio!" rispose il facchino.
«Allora Ser Gianni, intese le ragioni del diverbio, ordinò al facchino di tirar fuori dalla sua cintura qualche moneta d'argento e il facchino gli mise in mano un filippo tornese198. «Ser Gianni lo prese e lo posò sulla spalla sinistra come per sincerarsi del suo giusto peso; poi lo fece risuonare sul palmo della mano come per saggiarne la lega; poi lo accostò alla pupilla dell'occhio destro come a verificarne il conio. Tutto questo fece tra il gran silenzio di quella folla di sfaccendati, l'attesa fiduciosa del rosticciere e la disperazione del facchino. Infine gettò più volte il filippo sul pancone per farne udire il suono. Poi, con maestà presidenziale, stringendo in pugno la sua mazza da buffone199 come fosse uno scettro e assestatosi in testa il suo cappuccio di falsa martora con orecchiette di carta ondulata a mostra d'organo, tossì tre o quattro volte a mo' d'esordio e pronunziò: "La Corte vi comunica che il facchino, il quale ha mangiato il suo pane insaporito col fumo dell'arrosto, ha civilmente pagato il rosticciere con il suono del suo denaro. Perlocché la detta corte ordina che ciascuno si ritiri nella sua ciascuneria, senza spese e per giusta ragione"200.
«Questa sentenza del pazzo parigino è sembrata tanto giusta, anzi ammirevole, ai suddetti dottori da far loro dubitare che si sarebbe potuto conseguire una sentenza più conforme ai canoni del diritto quando la stessa causa fosse stata decisa dal Parlamento di Parigi, o dalla Sacra Rota di Roma, o anche dagli antichi Areopagiti. Vedete dunque voi se vi va di prendere consiglio da un pazzo».
CAPITOLO XXXVIII
Come Triboletto201 vien qualificato da Pantagruele e da Panurgo
«Per l'anima mia» rispose Panurgo, «certo che mi va! Mi pare persino che mi si allarghino le budella, che le avevo strette e costipate. Ma adesso che abbiamo scelto di abbeverarci alla fons Bandusia della saggezza, vorrei proprio che ci consultassimo con qualcuno che sia pazzo all'ultimo grado».
«Triboletto» disse Pantagruele, «mi sembra convenientemente pazzo».
«Propriamente e totalmente pazzo» rispose Panurgo.
PANTAGRUELE. | PANURGO
---|---
Pazzo fatale, | Pazzo d'alta gamma,
P. di natura, | P. in bequadro e bemolle,
P. celeste, | P. terrestre,
P. gioviale202, | P. beato e burlone,
P. mercuriale, | P. grazioso e festante,
P. lunatico, | P. infiocchettato,
P. erratico, | P. a pestelli,
P. eccentrico, | P. a sonagli,
P. etereo e giunonico, | P. ridente e venusiano,
P. antartico, | P. di posatura,
P. eroico, | P. da crovello203,
P. geniale, | P. della prima svinatura,
P. predestinato, | P. da mosto,
P. augusto, | P. originale,
P. cesariano, | P. papale,
P. imperiale, | P. concistoriale,
P. reale, | P. conclavista,
P. patriarcale, | P. bollista,
P. originale, | P. sinodale,
P. leale, | P. episcopale,
P. ducale, | P. dottorale,
P. da bandiera, | P. monacale,
P. feudale, | P. fiscale,
P. palatino, | P. estravagante204,
P. principesco, | P. a cercine,
P. pretoriale, | P. di prima tonsura,
P. totale, | P. cotale,
P. eletto, | P. graduato con brevetto,
PANTAGRUELE | PANURGO
P. curiale, | P. commensale,
P. primipilo, | P. primo della classe,
P. trionfante, | P. caudatario,
P. da strapazzo, | P. di supererogazione,
P. domestico, | P. collaterale,
P. esemplare, | P. assetato a latere,
P. raro e pellegrino, | P. avanotto,
P. aulico, | P. passeggero,
P. civile, | P. ramiero,
P. popolare, | P. sdegnoso,
P. familiare, | P. gentile,
P. insigne, | P. allegato,
P. favorito, | P. predone,
P. latino, | P. di coda rifatta,
P. ordinario, | P. salvatico,
P. temuto, | P. farnetico,
P. trascendente, | P. da barbazzale,
P. sovrano, | P. gonfiato,
P. speciale, | P. superpapaverato,
P. metafisico, | P. corollario,
P. estatico, | P. di Levante,
P. categorico, | P. sublime,
P. predicabile, | P. cremisino,
P. decumano, | P. granatino,
P. officioso, | P. borghese,
P. prospettico, | P. spolverino,
P. algoritmico, | P. da catena,
P. algebrico, | P. modale,
P. da cabala, | P. di seconda intenzione,
P. talmudico, | P. d'almanacco,
P. d'amalgama, | P. eteroclito,
P. compendioso, | P. summista,
P. abbreviato, | P. abbreviatore,
P. iperbolico, | P. da moresca,
P. antonomastico, | P. ben bollato,
P. allegorico, | P. mandatario,
P. tropologico, | P. cappuccionaio,
P. pleonastico, | P. titolare,
P. capitale, | P. tapino,
P. cerebroso, | P. dispettoso,
P. cordiale, | P. ben cazzuto,
PANTAGRUELE | PANURGO
P. intestino, | P. spedato,
P. epatico, | P. cogliastro,
P. splenetico, | P. scolaretto,
P. ventoso, | P. sventato,
P. legittimo, | P. culinario,
P. d'azimut, | P. d'alto fusto,
P. d'almicantarat205, | P. da girarrosto,
P. proporzionato, | P. da marmitta,
P. d'architrave, | P. tossicoloso,
P. da piedistallo, | P. gaudente,
P. esemplare, | P. a 23 carati,
P. famoso, | P. bizzarro,
P. allegro, | P. sghembo,
P. solenne, | P. a martingala,
P. annuale, | P. a bastoni,
P. da festa, | P. incoronato,
P. ricreativo, | P. strabocchevole,
P. privilegiato, | P. attempato,
P. rustico, | P. villano,
P. ordinario, | P. paffuto,
P. a tutte l'ore, | P. agghindato,
P. risoluto, | P. continuativo,
P. geroglifico, | P. da indovinello,
P. genuino, | P. dominicale,
P. di valore, | P. da cappuccio,
P. prezioso, | P. di manica larga,
P. fanatico, | P. alla damaschina,
P. fantastico, | P. da cesello,
P. linfatico, | P. d'azzimina,
P. panico, | P. baritonante,
P. d'alambicco, | P. moscato,
P. rompicoglioni, | P. a prova d'archibugio
Pantagruele: «Se c'era una ragione, nell'antica Roma, per chiamare Quirinali le feste dei pazzi, si potrebbero benissimo istituire in Francia i Tribolettinali».
Panurgo: «Se tutti i pazzi portassero il sottocoda, Triboletto avrebbe le chiappe tutte scorticate».
Pant.: «Se il dio Fatuello, del quale abbiamo parlato fosse marito della diva Fatua, suo padre sarebbe Bonadies e sua nonna Bonadea».
Pan.: «Se tutti i pazzi andassero in ambio, Triboletto, con le sue gambe torte, li avanzerebbe di una buona tesa. Andiamo da lui senza perdere tempo. Da lui troveremo la soluzione giusta, io ci conto».
«Io» disse Pantagruele, «voglio assistere alla causa di Brigliadoca, perciò me ne andrò a Miralingua, ch'è di là dalla Loira, e manderò Carpalim per condurre qui Triboletto da Blois».
E così Carpalim fu mandato a cercarlo. E Pantagruele, accompagnato dai suoi – Panurgo, Epistemone, Ponocrate, fra Giovanni, Ginnasta, Rizotomo, e altri – prese la via di Miralingua.
CAPITOLO XXXIX
Come Pantagruele assiste alla causa di Brigliadoca, il quale decideva le liti col sortilegio dei dadi206
Il giorno seguente, all'ora assegnata, Pantagruele arrivò a Miralingua. Il presidente, i senatori e i consiglieri lo pregarono di entrare con loro per ascoltare la decisione sulle cagioni e ragioni che Brigliadoca avrebbe addotto per giustificarsi d'aver pronunziato una certa sentenza contro l'eletto Toccatondo, sentenza che non pareva del tutto equa a quella corte centumvirale.
Pantagruele entrò di buon grado. Brigliadoca era là seduto in mezzo al pretorio, e per tutta ragione e giustificazione non rispondeva altro se non che lui era diventato vecchio e non aveva più la vista tanto buona come prima; e adduceva le molte miserie e calamità che la vecchiezza porta con sé: quelle appunto elencate dall'Arcidiacono nel commento al DECRETO, Decisione 86, canone 24, Tanta nequitia207. Pertanto egli non distingueva più così chiaramente come per il passato i punti dei dadi, e quindi poteva darsi benissimo che, nel processo in questione, egli avesse scambiato un quattro per un cinque, così come Isacco, vecchio e mezzo cieco, aveva preso Giacobbe per Esaù; tanto più che, in quel caso, egli aveva usato i suoi dadi più piccoli. «Ma» soggiungeva, «per disposizione espressamente contemplata dal diritto, le imperfezioni di natura non possono essere imputate a crimine: DIGESTO, libro XLIX, titolo XVI, De Re militari, legge 4, Qui cum uno; DIGESTO, lib. L, tit. XVII, 1. 108, Fere Omnibus; DIGESTO, lib. XXI, tit. I per intero, e lib. XLVII, tit. XXI, 1.2, Divus Hadrianus; Ludovico Romano nel commento alla legge Si vero, DIGESTO, lib. XXIV, tit. III, Soluto matrimonio dos quaemadmodum petatur, frammento 64; e chi facesse altrimenti, non l'uomo accuserebbe, ma la natura, come appare evidente nella legge Maximum vitium, CODICE, lib. VI, tit. XXVIII, De Liberis praeteritis vel exheredatis, fram. 4208.
«Ma di quali dadi» domandò Sparabubbole Primo Presidente di quella corte, «di quali dadi andate parlando, amico mio?»
«I dadi dei giudizi» rispose Brigliadoca, «alea judiciorum209; dei quali i dottori hanno scritto nel canone Sors, DECRETO, Causa XXVI, questione II; e dei quali si parla nella legge Nec emptio, DIGESTO, lib. XVIII, tit. I, e nella legge Quod debetur servo, DIGESTO, lib. XV, tit. I, De Peculio, fram. 51, con commento del Bartolo; quei dadi dei quali le signorie vostre fanno uso ordinariamente in questa corte sovrana; come fanno altresì tutti gli altri giudici, nella decisione delle liti in conformità delle annotazioni di Errico Ferrandat nella glossa alle DECRETALI, lib. V., tit. XXI, De Sortilegiis, cap. 3, e di ciò che sta scritto nella legge Sed cum ambo, DIGESTO, lib. V, tit. I, De Judiciis, fram. 14; dove i dottori notano che il trarre a sorte è cosa ottima, onesta, utile e necessaria a sciogliere processi e liti, e più apertamente ancora l'hanno detto Baldo, Bartolo ed Alessandro nella legge Si duobus, CODICE, lib. VI, tit. XLIII, Communia de Legatis et Fidei commissis, fram. 3».
«E come procedete, voi amico mio?» chiese Sparabubbole.
«Risponderò brevemente» disse Brigliadoca, «giusta l'insegnamento della legge Ampliorem Providentiam, § I, In refutatoriis libellis, CODICE, lib. VII, tit. LXII, fram. 39, e della glossa alla legge Air Praetor, DIGESTO, lib. IV, tit. II, Quod metus causa gestum erit, fram. I: gaudent brevitate moderni.
«Io faccio come voi, signori, e com'è consuetudine della magistratura, alla quale le nostre leggi ci comandano di sempre attenerci: DECRETALI, lib. I, tit. IV, cap. II, Ex litteris, con quel che vi annota Innocenzo.
«Io dunque, quando ho ben veduto, riveduto, letto, riletto, sfogliato e scartabellato: querele, citazioni, comparizioni, commissioni, informazioni, preliminari, produzioni, allegati, interdetti e contraddetti, richieste, inchieste, duplicati, triplicati, verbali, censure, accuse, riserve, ricognizioni, confronti, impugnazioni, libelli, lettere d'appello, rescritti, compulsorie, declinatorie, anticipatorie, evocazioni, invii, rinvii, conclusioni, non luoghi a procedere, conciliazioni, rilievi, confessioni, intimazioni e altrettali confetti e spezierie dell'una parte e dell'altra (come deve fare il buon giudice, secondo sta scritto nello Speculo, parte I, cap. IV, Del Giudice ordinario, § 3; parte I, cap. 9, Dell'Officio di tutti i Giudici, § ultimo; e parte II, cap. I, Della Presentazione, Ricusazione ed Impugnazione del rescritto), metto a una estremità del tavolo del mio gabinetto tutti i sacchi con le carte del convenuto e getto i dadi per lui, dandogli la precedenza nel sorteggio, appunto come fate voi, o Signori, e come prescritto nella legge Favorabiliores rei, DIGESTO, lib. L, tit. XVII, De Regulis Juris antiqui, fram. 125, e nel canone Cum sunt, stesso titolo, lib. VI, che recita: Cum sunt partium jura obscura, reo favendum est potius quam actori210.
«Fatto questo, Signori, io metto, come fate voi, i sacchi con le carte dell'attore sull'altro capo del tavolo, faccia a faccia, visum visu, perché le cose opposte acconciamente poste riescono più chiare, magis elucescunt; legge De Jure personarum, § Videamus, DIGESTO, lib. 1, tit. VI, De his qui sui vel alieni juris sunt, fram. I; legge Munerum civilium, § Mixta, DIGESTO, lib. L, tit. IV, De muneribus et honoribus, fram. 18, § 26.
«Ma voi» domandò Sparabubbole, «come fate, amico mio, a riconoscere l'oscurità dei pretesi diritti delle parti litiganti?»
«Come voi, Signori» rispose Brigliadoca, «cioè quando vi sono molti sacchi da una parte e dall'altra. E allora mi servo dei miei dadi piccoli, come voi, Signori, in conformità della legge Semper in stipulationibus, DIGESTO, lib. L, tit. XVII, De regulis Juris antiqui, fram. 34, nonché della legge fondamentale e versificata
Semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur211,
canonizzata nel canone In obscuris, del SESTO, stesso titolo.
«Ma ho anche degli altri dadi, grossi, assai belli e armoniosi, dei quali mi servo, come voi, Signori, quando la materia è più chiara, cioè quando i sacchi sono di meno».
«Fatto questo» chiese Sparabubbole, «come sentenziate di poi?»
«Come voi, Signori: io pronuncio sentenza favorevole a colui che la prova del dado giudiziario, tribuniano e pretoriale, favorisce per primo: leggi Potior est in pignore, DIGESTO, lib. XX tit. IV, Qui potiores in pignore vel hypoteca habeantur, fr. 11 e 12; Antiquitas, CODICE, lib. XII, tit. III, De Consulibus et de Praefectis, fram. 1; e canone Qui prior est in tempore potior est in jure».
CAPITOLO XL
Come Brigliadoca espone le cause per le quali egli esaminava gli atti dei processi che poi decideva con le tratte dei dadi
«Sta bene» disse Sparabubbole, «ma poiché voi, amico mio, sentenziate secondo la sorte con le tratte dei dadi, perché non decidete la causa immediatamente, cioè non appena le parti si presentano a voi, senza altri indugi? A che vi servono tutte le scritture e procedure contenute nei sacchi degli incartamenti?»
«Mi servono come a voi; Signori» rispose Brigliadoca, «mi servono a tre cose squisite, quesite ed autentiche:
«In primo luogo per la forma, in difetto della quale, come dimostra chiaramente lo Speculo, parte II, sezione II, rubrica Esibizione degli Istrumenti e rubrica Della Presentazione, Ricezione ed Impugnazione del rescritto, tutto ciò che è stato fatto è nullo. E voi sapete meglio di me che, nei procedimenti giudiziarî, le formalità distruggono la materialità e la sostanza dei fatti, perché mutata la forma muta la sostanza: legge Julianus scribit, § 3 DIGESTO, lib. X, tit. IV, Dell'Azione dello esibire, fram. 9; legge Si is qui quadringenta, DIGESTO, lib. XXXV, tit. II, Sulla legge Falcidia, fram. 80; DECRETALI, lib. III, tit. XXX, Delle Decime, Primizie ed Oblazioni, cap. 12, Ad audientiam nostram, e lib. III, tit. XLI, Della Celebrazione delle Messe, cap. VIII, In quadam.
«Secondariamente, come a voi, Signori, queste cose servono a me di esercizio onesto e salutare. Il fu messer Ottomano Vadano, grande medico, come direste voi, giusta la norma (CODICE, lib. XII, tit. XIII) De Comitibus et Archiatris Sacri Palatii, m'ha detto mille volte che la mancanza di esercizio corporale è la causa unica della poca salute e della brevità della vita delle Signorie Vostre e di tutti gli ufficiali di giustizia. Cosa egregiamente osservata, prima di lui, da Bartolo nella legge Cum pro eo, CODICE, lib. VII, tit. XLVII, De Sententiis quae pro eo quod interest proferuntur, fram. 1. È per questo che a voi, Signori, e a me per conseguenza (poi che l'accessorio si conforma alla natura del principale: SESTO, tit. De regulis juris, regola XLII; leggi Cum principalis causa e Nihil dolo; legge Fideiussor, DIGESTO, lib. XLVI, tit. I; e DECRETALI, lib. I, tit. XXX, De Officio Legati) vanno concessi alcuni giochi a scopo di esercizio onesto e ricreativo: DIGESTO, lib. XI, tit. V, Dei giocatori d'azzardo212, fram. 2; AUTENTICHE, collaz. V, tit. XXIV, novella 69; DIGESTO, lib. XIX, tit. V, legge 17, Si gratuitam; e legge Non invidemus, CODICE, lib. XI, tit. XL, Degli Spettacoli e degli Istrioni.
«E tale è anche l'opinione di San Tommaso in Secunda secundae, quaest. CLXVIII, bene a proposito allegata da Alberico da Rosciate, il quale fuit magnus practicus e dottore solenne, come attesta Barbazza nei Consigli, in principio. La ragione trovasi esposta nella glossa al Proemio del DIGESTO, § 4, Ne autem tertii anni:
Interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis213.
«E infatti, un giorno dell'anno 1489, avendo da sbrigare un certo affare fiscale alla Camera dei Signori tesorieri generali, ed entrandovi con un permesso pecuniario dell'usciere (giacché, come voi, Signori, ben sapete, pecuniae oboediunt omnia, e l'ha detto anche Baldo nella legge Singularia, DIGESTO, lib. XII, tit. I; Saliceto, nella legge Receptia, CODICE, lib. IV, tit. 18; nonché il Cardinale214 nelle CLEMENTINE, lib. III, tit. XV, De Baptismo) li trovai che giocavano tutti a mosca cieca, per esercizio salutare; se avanti o dopo il pasto m'è indifferente, purché qui, si prenda nota, hic notetur, che il gioco della mosca è onesto, salutare, antico e legale, (legge Si post motam, CODICE, lib. III, tit. XXXI) e che i muscarii, id est quelli che giocano alla mosca, sono scusabili di diritto: legge Artifices, CODICE, lib. X, tit. LXIV, De Excusationibus artificum.
«E mi ricordo che in quel momento era di mosca messer Tilman Picquet; il quale rideva perché tutti quei signori della detta Camera sdrucivano i loro berretti a furia di batterglieli sulle spalle, e diceva che, certamente, di quello scempio di berretti, essi, al ritorno a casa, non sarebbero stati excusabiles presso le loro mogli, giusta le DECRETALI, lib. II, tit. XXIII, De Praesumptionibus, cap. I, Sicut e relativa glossa215. Ora resolutorie loquendo, io direi come voi, Signori, che non c'è esercizio migliore né più aromatico, in questo mondo curiale, che vuotar sacchi, rimescolare incartamenti, riempire panieri, spulciare processi; coma notano Bartolo e Giovanni da Prato nella legge Falsa demonstratio, DIGESTO, lib. XXXV, tit. I, fram. 33.
«In terzo luogo, come voi, Signori, io considero che il tempo matura tutte le cose, col tempo tutte le cose vengono in evidenza, il tempo è padre della verità: glossa alla legge Si quas, CODICE, lib. III, tit. XXXIV, fram. 1; AUTENTICHE, collaz. IV, tit. XVII, Delle Restituzioni e di Colei che partorisce nell'undicesimo mese dopo la morte del marito; e SPECULO, lib. II, tit. De Requisitione consilii. Ed è perciò che, come voi, Signori, io soprassiedo, rimando e differisco affinché, di giorno in giorno, il processo, ben ventilato, setacciato e dibattuto, venga alla sua maturità, e il sorteggio che ne segue sia sopportato con minore amarezza dalla parte perdente, come dice la glossa alla legge Tria onera, DIGESTO, lib. XXVII, tit. I, fram. 3:
Portatur leviter, quod portat quisque libenter216.
La sentenza, cruda, acerba, data là per là, rischierebbe di produrre lo stesso inconveniente che, a detta dei medici, si verifica allorché si incide un apostema avanti che sia maturo, o quando si purga il corpo umano di qualche umore nocivo prima che questo sia pervenuto a concozione. Perché, come sta scritto nelle AUTENTICHE, collaz. VIII, tit. VII, cap. 5, Ceterum,
Quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura negotiis217.
Inoltre la natura ci insegna: a cogliere e mangiare le frutta quando sono mature (ISTITUZIONI, lib. II, tit. I, § 39) e a sposare le ragazze quando sono in fiore: DIGESTO, lib. XXIV, tit. I, legge 32, § 27; DECRETO, Causa XXVII, questione I, cap. I, e relativa glossa che dice:
Jam matura thoris plenis adoleverat annis Virginitas218.
E insomma la natura ci insegna a non far nulla prima che i tempi siano maturi: DECRETO, Distinzione XXIII, 5 ultimo».
CAPITOLO XLI
Come Brigliadoca narra la storia del conciliatore di liti
«A questo proposito» disse Brigliadoca continuando, «mi ricordo che ai miei tempi, quando studiavo diritto a Poitiers, sotto Broccardo del Giure219, viveva a Smarve un tale chiamato Pierotto del Bambo, uomo rispettabile, buon lavoratore, buon cantore a leggio, persona di tutta fiducia e avanti con gli anni quanto il più anziano di voi Signori, il quale diceva di aver conosciuto quel gran galantuomo di Concilio Laterano con il suo gran cappello rosso e, insieme a lui, sua moglie Prammatica Sanzione – gran brava signora – con il suo largo mantello di raso bruno e il suo grosso rosario dai grani di gaietto.
«Quest'uomo dabbene componeva più liti lui solo di quanti processi si celebrassero in tutto il palazzo di giustizia di Poitiers, nel tribunale di Montmorillon e al mercato di Parthenay-le-Vieux; ragion per cui egli era venerato in tutti i paesi dei dintorni: Chauvigny, Noüaillé, Croutelle, Aigne, Ligugé, La Motte, Lusignan, Vivonne, Mezeaux, Étable e località circonvicine. Tutte le liti, processi e contrasti erano risolti da una sua decisione come da giudice sovrano, sebbene egli giudice non fosse, ma uomo dabbene: DIGESTO, lib. XII, tit. II; e lib. XLVI, tit. I, Della Obbligazione verbale, legge 137, Continuus actus220. Non si uccideva maiale in tutto il vicinato ch'egli non ne avesse in dono rosticini e sanguinaccio; e non passava giorno, si può dire, che non lo si incontrasse a qualche banchetto, o festino di nozze, o madrinaggio, o entrata in santo221; oppure all'osteria; sempre per comporre una qualche vertenza, beninteso. Perché lui non sanciva l'accordo se non dopo che le parti contendenti avessero bevuto insieme, in segno di riconciliazione, di perfetta armonia, di ritrovata felicità.
«Costui ebbe un figlio chiamato Stefanotto del Bambo, un bel fusto d'uomo e galantuomo, così Dio mi aiuti!, il quale anche lui s'era intestato a voler rappacificare i litiganti; perché voi sapete che
Saepe solet similis filius esse patri,
et sequitur leviter filia matris iter,
come dice la glossa alla questione 6, canone I, e al DECRETO, Della Consacrazione, distinzione V, cap. I; e come annotano i dottori: CODICE, Della sostituzione degli impuberi e di altri; DIGESTO, Die statu hominum, fram. 19; glossa alla legge Quod si nolit; CODICE, legge Giulia di Maestà; salvo Esclusione dei figli di una monaca generati da un monaco, giusta la glossa al canone XI, Impudicas, DECRETO, causa XXVII, questione I.
«Questo figlio dunque si fregiava del titolo di conciliatore dei processi. E in tali faccende era tanto affaccendato e vigilante (poiché vigilantibus jura subveniunt: legge Pupillus patri, DIGESTO, lib. VIII, quae in fraudem ecc. e legge Non enim, lib. IV, nonché ISTITUZIONI, Proemio, § 3) che non appena fiutava, cioè (legge Agaso, glossa alla parola olfecit) «metteva il naso al culo»222, ovverossia sentiva che nel paese s'era mossa una qualche lite, subito s'intrometteva per conciliare le parti (infatti sta scritto: Qui non laborat non manige ducat223: glossa alla legge Quamvis, DIGESTO, lib. XXXIX, tit. II; e ancora è statuito che La necessità costringe la vecchia a fare il passo più lungo della gamba – Vetulam compellit – DIGESTO, lib. XXV).
Ma fu tanto sfortunato in codesti negozi che mai non riuscì a comporre alcuna controversia, per quanto lieve la si possa immaginare. Invece di conciliare, le fomentava e inaspriva di più. Voi sapete, o signori, che
La parola è data a tutti, la saggezza a pochi:
DIGESTO, lib. IV, tit. VII, De Alienatione ecc. E i tavernari di Smarve dicevano che in un anno, sotto il suo patrocinio, non avevano venduto tanto vino conciliativo (così essi chiamavano il buon vino di Ligugé) quanto ne vendevano in mezz'ora sotto suo padre.
«Ora accadde che il figlio se ne lagnò col genitore, attribuendo la causa di tante delusioni alla perversità degli uomini del suo tempo, e insinuando apertamente che se anche nei tempi andati la gente fosse stata così perversa, litigiosa, arruffona e rancorosa, lui, suo padre, non avrebbe conquistato tanto facilmente l'onore e il titolo di conciliatore irresistibile. Il che dicendo Stefanotto violava quella regola del diritto che vieta ai figli di rimproverare i genitori: glossa e Bartolo, legge 3, § Si quis, DIGESTO, e AUTENTICHE, De Nuptiis, § Sed quod sancitum.
«"Bisogna" rispose Pierotto, "fare altrimenti: sì, Stefanotto, figlio mio. E
Quando oportet di mezzo si metta,
conviene fare ciò ch'egli detta:
glossa alla legge, Eos etiam, COD. lib. VII, tit. LXII, fram. 16. Non è là che si nasconde la lepre, non è quello il punto. Tu non riesci a conciliare le liti. Perché? Perché le prendi all'inizio, quando sono ancora verdi ed acerbe. Io le concilio tutte. Perché? Perché le prendo sul finire, ben mature e digerite. Così dice la glossa:
Dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus:
CODICE, legge Non moriturum, lib. VIII, tit. XXXVIII; fram. 8.
«"Non conosci il proverbio che dice fortunato quel medico che vien chiamato quando scema la malattia? Giunta al suo punto critico, la malattia vien meno da sé anche se il medico non arriva. Similmente, le mie brave controversie si estinguevano da sé perché le borse erano vuote, e miei bravi litiganti la smettevano di citare e sollecitare: non c'era più denaro per citare e sollecitare.
Deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia224.
Ci mancava soltanto qualcuno che facesse da paraninfo e da mediatore, qualcuno che buttasse là di suo l'idea della conciliazione, per evitare all'uno e all'altro contendente l'onta incancellabile di sentirsi dire ch'era stato lui il primo ad arrendersi, lui il primo a parlare di conciliazione, lui che sapeva di essere nel torto e ormai sentiva il basto rompergli la schiena. È a questo punto, mio caro Stefanotto, che io capito a proposito come il lardo sui piselli; è questo il mio momento, il mio vantaggio, la mia grande fortuna. E ti garantisco, figlio mio bello, che con questo metodo, io potrei metter pace, o per lo meno tregua, fra il Gran Re e i Veneziani, fra l'Imperatore e gli Svizzeri, tra Inglesi e Scozzesi, fra il Papa e i Ferraresi. E chi altri ancora? Se Dio m'assiste, fra il Turco e il Sofì, fra i Tartari e i Moscoviti. Io li prenderei, intendimi bene, nel momento in cui e gli uni e gli altri fossero stanchi di guerreggiare: nel momento in cui, vuotati i loro scrigni, esaurite le borse dei sudditi, venduti i loro averi, ipotecate le terre, avessero dato fondo ai viveri e alle munizioni. E allora, per grazia di Dio e di Sua Madre, dovrebbero decidersi per forza a riprendere fiato e a moderare le loro fellonie. Come infatti sta scritto nella glossa al canone Si quando, DECRETO, Causa XXXII, Distinzione III:
Odero si potero, si non, invitus amabo»225.
CAPITOLO XLII
Come nascono i processi e come vengono a maturazione
«Ed è per questo» disse Brigliadoca continuando, «che io, come voi, Signori, temporeggio nell'attesa che il processo venga a maturazione e a perfezione in tutte le sue membra, le quali altro non sono che le scritture e i relativi sacchi (Argomento, legge Si major, CODICE, lib. III, tit. XXXVII, fr. 4; e DECRETO, Della Consacrazione, dist. I, cap. Solemnitates, con relativa glossa).
«Un processo al suo primo apparire sembra a me, come a voi, Signori, informe ed incompiuto al pari di un orso appena partorito; il quale non è che un pezzo di carne rozza ed incondita, senza piedi, senza mani, senza pelle, senza peli e senza testa; e l'orsa, a forza di leccarlo, ne sviluppa le membra e lo porta a perfezione, come annotano i dottori: DIGESTO, lib. IV, tit. IX, fr. 2226.
«Ed è questo, ai miei occhi come ai vostri, Signori, l'aspetto dei processi al loro cominciamento: nascono informi e senza membra; non hanno che un atto o due, da quei brutti mostriciattoli che sono. Invece, quando sono incasellati, insaccati e accatastati a dovere, allora sì si può dire che sono belli, membruti e compiuti. Perché è la forma che dà l'essenza alla cosa, forma dat esse rei (legge Si is qui, DIGESTO, lib. XXXV, tit. II; DECRETALI, lib. I, tit. III, cap. 22, Cum dilecta; Barbazza, Consilia, II, 12, e prima di lui Baldo, DECRETALI, lib. I, tit. IV; DIGESTO, lib. X, tit. IV, Ad exibendum, fr. 9, e lib. XXXII, De Legatis, ecc., fr. 78, § 3). E il modo è quello indicato dalla glossa al DECRETO, Causa II, q. VII, canone 28, Paulus:
Debile principium melior fortuna sequetur227.
«Come fate voi, Signori, allo stesso modo fanno i sergenti, uscieri, messi, strascinafaccende, procuratori, commissari, avvocati, inquisitori, tabellioni, notai, cancellieri e giudici pedanei – dei quali è detto nel CODICE, lib. III – che succhiando a tutta possa e senza tregua alle borse delle parti fanno sì che i processi mettano testa, piedi, artigli, becchi, denti, mani, vene, arterie, nervi, muscoli, umori. Che sono propriamente i sacchi, gli scaffali e i relativi incartamenti: DECRETO, De Consecratione, distinzione IV, glossa al canone Accepisti:
Qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit228.
E notate che in tale condizione sono più fortunati i litiganti che i ministri di giustizia, perché
Beatius est dare quam accipere229:
DIGESTO, Della Divisione della cosa comune; ESTRAVAGANTI. Della Celebrazione delle Messe, cap. VI, Quando Marta; e glossa al DECRETO, Causa, quest. I, cap. 38, Odi:
Affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis230.
E così rendono il processo perfetto, arzillo e ben formato, come dice la glossa canonica
Accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia Papae231;
ciò che più apertamente ha detto Alberico da Rosciate in verbo Roma:
Roma manus rodit; quas rodere non valet, odit:
dantes custodit, non dantes spernit et odit.
Per quale motivo? Lo spiega la glossa alla legge Cum hi, DIGESTO, Lib. II, tit. XV, De Transactione, fr. 8: Meglio l'uovo oggi che la gallina domani:
Ad praesens ova, cras pullis sunt meliora232.
L'inconveniente del contrario è contemplato nella glossa alla legge Ea quae, CODICE, lib. VII, De Alluvionibus et Paludibus: Quando il lavoro va male, s'accresce la miseria del mortale:
Cum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas233.
«La vera etimologia del processo sta in questo, ch'esso deve avere
per i suoi amminicoli
molti fascicoli.
Ed abbiamo al riguardo deifiche brocarde:
Litigando jura crescunt.
Litigando jus acquiritur.
«E così nella glossa al canone Illud, DECRETALI, lib. II, tit. XXIII; e nel CODICE, lib. IV, tit. XIX, leggi Instrumenta, Non epistolis, Non nudis:
Et cum non prosunt singula, multa juvant»234.
«D'accordo, amico mio» disse Sparabubbole, «ma come procedete voi nei processi criminali, preso il colpevole flagrante crimine?»
«Come voi, signori» rispose Brigliadoca. «Io permetto e ordino al querelante di farsi una buona dormita come atto preliminare al processo, e che poi si presenti a me, esibendo un valido e legale attestato di detta dormita; e ciò in conformità della glossa 32, questione VII, Causa Si quis cum:
Quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus235.
«Da questo primo atto, o primo membro, nasce un altro membro, e da questo altri ancora, così come si fa il giaco, maglia a maglia. Alla fine mi trovo il mio processo al completo d'informazione e ben formato in ogni suo membro; e allora ritorno ai miei dadi. Né si può dire che questa interpolazione sia fatta senza ragione e senza il conforto di un'esperienza notevole.
«Io mi ricordo che al campo di Stoccolma un Guascone chiamato Grazianoldo, nativo di San Severo, avendo perduto al gioco tutto il suo denaro ed essendo per questo molto contrariato (perché voi sapete che pecunia est alter sanguis, come dice Antonio da Budrio, DECRETALI, lib. II, tit. VI, e Baldo nella 1. Si tuis nummis, CODICE, lib. II: Il denaro è la vita dell'uomo e la sua migliore guarentigia nelle necessità)236, all'uscir dalla bisca, davanti a tutti i compagni gridò: "Testa di Dio, ragazzi, che il mal di botte vi stenda! Adesso che ho perduto i miei ventiquattro baiocchi, ho qui da spendere altrettanti cazzotti, rovescioni, nespole e scataluffi. Se c'è qualcuno che voglia rompersi l'incornatura con me, si faccia sotto"237. Poiché nessuno si muoveva, il Guascone passò nel campo dei Frisoni, tutti colossi da un quintale e mezzo, e là ripeteva le stesse parole sfidandoli a misurarsi con lui. Ma quelli dicevano: "Il Guascone è venuto a far la scena di volersi battere con uno di noi, ma tira a rubare. Fate attenzione, brave donne: occhio alle provviste"238. E nessuno di quella schiera si offrì al combattimento.
«Sempre più incaponito, Grazianoldo passò nel campo dei venturieri francesi a gridare la stessa sfida; e li provocava spavaldamente saltabeccando alla guascona. Ma anche qui nessuno gli rispose.
«Allora il Guascone si coricò in fondo al campo, presso le tende del grande Cristiano cavaliere di Crissé, e li si addormentò.
«In quella, uno dei venturieri, che, come Grazianoldo, si era giocato tutto il suo denaro all'osteria, saltò fuori dalla tenda con la spada in pugno e ben deciso a battersi con il Guascone; visto che aveva perduto come lui, e perché, come dice la glossa al canone Sunt Plures, DECRETO, Causa XXXIII, De Poenitentia, distinzione 3,
Ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris239.
«Cercandolo da un capo all'altro del campo, finalmente lo trovò addormentato e gli disse: "Ehi, ragazzino, tirati su! Sveglia, per tutti i diavoli! Ho perso il mio denaro come te, e adesso vediamo chi è più coglione dei due. Andiamo, spaccamonti, andiamo a batterci e a strofinarci il lardo come si deve. E guarda che il mio stocco non sia più lungo della tua spada".
«Il Guascone, tutto stranito, gli rispose: "Testa di Sant'Arnaldo! Chi sei tu che mi vieni a rompere il sonno? Ti scoppiasse la vescica con tutto il vino che c'è! San Severo patrono di Guascogna, dico io! Dormivo così bene, e questo gallinaccio mi viene a svegliare!"240.
«Il venturiero lo sfidò di nuovo, ma il Guascone gli disse: "O, poveretto! Io ti romperei la schiena, adesso che mi sono riposato bene. Vatti a riposare un po' come me, e dopo ci batteremo"241. Insomma, invece di battersi e magari ammazzarsi a vicenda, andarono a bere insieme, lasciando in pegno all'oste le loro spade. Il sonno aveva compiuto quest'opera di bene e seduto l'insano furore dei due bravi campioni.
«E qui cade a proposito l'aurea sentenza di Giovanni d'Andrea, nel SESTO, lib. XIV, De sententia et re judicata: "Sedendo et quiescendo fit anima prudens"»242.
CAPITOLO XLIII
Come Pantagruele giustifica Brigliadoca a proposito delle sentenze pronunciate mediante il responso dei dadi
Qui Brigliadoca si tacque. Sparabubbole gli ordinò di uscire dal pretorio. Brigliadoca uscì e Sparabubbole si volse a Pantagruele con queste parole:
«Ragione vuole, augustissimo principe – e non soltanto per la gratitudine che vi debbono questo parlamento e tutto il marchesato di Miralingua in grazia dei vostri infiniti benefici, ma anche per il buon senso, il prudente giudizio e l'ammirevole dottrina che il grande Iddio, datore d'ogni bene, in voi si è compiaciuto di riporre – che noi ci rimettiamo a voi per decidere rettamente su questa materia tanto nuova, tanto straordinaria e strana di un legista che, come voi stesso avete potuto vedere ed ascoltare, ha confessato di affidarsi interamente, nell'esercizio del suo ministero, al responso dei dadi. Perciò vi preghiamo di voler sentenziare secondo che a voi parrà giusto in via di diritto e di equità».
Al che Pantagruele rispose:
«Signori, come ben sapete, la mia condizione non mi qualifica a decidere processi; ma poiché vi piace di rendermi tanto onore, in luogo della toga del giudice assumerò l'umile veste del postulante.
«Io ravviso in Brigliadoca parecchie qualità per le quali mi sembrerebbe che, nella fattispecie, egli meriterebbe di essere perdonato. In primo luogo la vecchiezza, in secondo luogo la semplicità: due dati di fatto in virtù dei quali voi sapete con quanta larghezza il nostro diritto e le nostre leggi accordino perdono a crimini e misfatti.
«In terzo luogo, io riconosco un'altra circostanza, parimenti dedotta dalle nostre leggi, in favore di Brigliadoca: ed è che quest'unico fallo dev'essere cancellato, estinto ed assorbito, nel mare immenso di tante ineccepibili sentenze da lui pronunciate nel passato: un passato di quarant'anni e più nel corso dei quali non si rileva un solo ed unico atto meritevole di censura. È come se io gettassi nelle acque della Loira una goccia d'acqua di mare: nessuno se ne accorgerebbe, nessuno direbbe che la Loira è salata a causa di quell'unica goccia.
«E in questo io scorgo un non so che di voluto da Dio, il quale ha permesso e provveduto a che tutte queste sentenze tirate a sorte coi dadi fossero convalidate come eque da questa vostra venerabile sovrana corte. Giacché non di rado, come voi sapete, Egli vuole che la sua gloria si manifesti nella confusione dei sapienti, nell'umiliazione dei potenti e nell'esaltazione dei semplici e degli umili.
«Ma io vorrei tralasciare tutto questo. Solamente vi prego – e non già per quegli obblighi che voi pretendete di avere verso la mia casa e che io non riconosco, ma per quella sollecitudine che dai tempi più remoti avete sempre riscontrato in noi per il mantenimento del vostro stato e della vostra dignità, e al di qua e al di là della Loira – che per questa volta voi concediate a Brigliadoca il vostro perdono; e ciò a due condizioni. In primo luogo ch'egli abbia dato o promesso di dare soddisfazione alla parte condannata dalla sentenza in questione; e a questo provvederò io stesso in modo soddisfacente. In secondo luogo, che voi gli assegnate, per aiutarlo nel suo ufficio, un consigliere più giovane che sia persona dotta, prudente, esperta e virtuosa e al cui parere egli si atterrà d'ora in avanti nelle procedure giudiziarie.
«Nel caso poi che intendeste destituirlo del tutto dal suo ufficio, io vi pregherò caldamente di darlo in dono a me. Troverò io nei miei domini luoghi e uffici bastevoli per impiegarlo al mio servizio. Con questo, pregherò il buon Dio creatore, preservatore e dispensatore di ogni bene di mantenervi in perpetuo nella sua santa grazia».
Dette queste parole, Pantagruele s'inchinò con deferenza a tutta la corte ed uscì dal pretorio. Alla porta trovò Panurgo, Epistemone, frate Giovanni e gli altri, e montarono a cavallo per ritornare da Gargantua.
Strada facendo, Pantagruele raccontò loro punto per punto la storia del processo a Brigliadoca. Frate Giovanni disse di aver conosciuto Pierotto del Bambo quando stava a Fontaine-le-Comte sotto il nobile abate Ardillon. Ginnasta disse che si trovava sotto la tenda del grande Cristiano, cavaliere di Crissé, quando Guascone aveva risposto al venturiero. Panurgo stentava a credere alla giustezza delle sentenze estratte a sorte: così tante, poi! Epistemone disse che una storia del genere si raccontava anche a proposito di un certo prevosto di Montlehéri. «E io» soggiunse, rivolto a Pantagruele, «se si trattasse di una o due sentenze date così alla ventura, non ci farei gran caso, soprattutto in materie per se stesse ambigue, e opinabili; ma che dire del fatto che il capriccio dei dadi si sia dimostrato così giudizioso e profittevole per tanti mai anni?»
CAPITOLO XLIV
Come Pantagruele racconta una strana storia sulle incertezze del giudizio umano
«Una questione del genere» disse Pantagruele, «fu dibattuta in giudizio davanti a Cneo Dolabella, proconsole in Asia. Il caso è questo: una donna, a Smirne, aveva avuto dal primo marito un figlio chiamato Abicì. Morto il marito, essa, dopo un certo tempo, si risposò e, dal secondo marito, ebbe un figlio chiamato Effegì. Ora avvenne (e voi sapete quanto sia raro che patrigni e vitrìci, matrigne e noverche portino amore ai figli di primo letto) che questo secondo marito, insieme a suo figlio, di nascosto, a tradimento, con un agguato, uccisero Abicì. La donna, conosciuta l'orrenda verità, non tollerò che il misfatto restasse impunito e fece morire i due assassini, vendicando così la morte del primo figlio. Venuta in mano della giustizia, la donna fu condotta davanti a Cn. Dolabella e confessò il fatto senza nulla dissimulare: solamente sostenne che aveva ucciso di pieno diritto e con ragione: questa la sostanza del processo.
«Dolabella trovò il caso così dubbioso che non sapeva che partito prendere. Grande era il crimine della donna: essa aveva ucciso il suo secondo marito e il suo secondo figlio. Ma la causa dell'assassinio gli pareva così naturale, e come fondata sul diritto delle genti (visto che essi avevano ucciso il primo figlio di lei: loro due insieme, a tradimento, con agguato, e non già perché da lui danneggiati o ingiuriati, ma soltanto per cupidigia dell'intera eredità) che, per venirne a capo, inviò un messo ad Atene per conoscere l'avviso degli Areopagiti e sapere quale sarebbe stata la loro sentenza.
«Gli Areopagiti risposero che, da lì a cento anni, si inviassero loro le parti contendenti per essere udite di persona su certe questioni che non erano comprese nel processo verbale. Questo per significare che tanto grande appariva loro la dubbiosità ed oscurità della materia ch'essi non sapevano cosa dirne né cosa pensarne.
«Ed ecco che, chi avesse deciso il caso rimettendosi al giudizio dei dadi non avrebbe errato quale che fosse l'esito del sorteggio: se contrario alla donna, perché essa aveva compiuto di suo una vendetta che apparteneva alla giustizia; se favorevole, perché a muoverla a tanto era stato un dolore inumano.
«Tuttavia, nel caso di Brigliadoca, il susseguirsi per tanti anni di tante fortunate combinazioni stupisce anche me».
«Io» disse Epistemone, «non saprei rispondere categoricamente alla vostra perplessità. Ma, dovendo dire la mia, farei discendere una così sorprendente felicità di incontri dall'influsso benigno dei cieli e dal favore delle intelligenze motrici. Le quali potrebbero compiacersi della semplicità e convinzione sincera del giudice Brigliadoca, nel diffidare del proprio sapere e delle proprie capacità.
«Ben conoscendo le antinomie e le insidie delle leggi, degli editti, delle ordinanze e delle tradizioni; ben conoscendo le frodi del calunniatore infernale (che spesso si trasfigura in messaggero di luce mediante i suoi ministri – avvocati, consiglieri, procuratori perversi e coadiutori altrettali – e muta il nero in bianco e fa fantasticare all'una e all'altra parte di avere il diritto dalla sua – e voi sapete che non c'è causa cattiva che non trovi il suo avvocato, senza di che non vi sarebbero più liti nel mondo); ben conoscendo tutto questo, egli si raccomanda a Dio, il giudice vero, chiama in aiuto la grazia celeste, si affida allo Spirito sacro e santo riguardo al rischio e alla dubbiosità di un giudizio definitivo, e cerca di conoscere, con la prova del sorteggio, quella giusta volontà e quel divino decreto che noi chiamiamo sentenza.
«Sarebbero dunque le intelligenze motrici ad agitare i dadi e a farli volgere per modo che, cadendo, segnino la vittoria di chi, forte di una giusta querela, invoca dalla giustizia il riconoscimento del suo buon diritto: come dicono i Talmudisti, che non c'è alcun male nell'interrogare la sorte, e che solo mediante la sorte si manifesta, fra le incertezze e le ansietà degli uomini, la volontà divina.
«Io non vorrei né pensare né dire (e infatti non credo che l'iniquità e la corruttela di coloro che amministrano la giustizia in quel parlamento miralinguese di Miralingua sia tanto abnorme e clamorosa) che un processo deciso a colpi di dadi – accada che può – non sia deciso peggio di quanto lo sarebbe passando per le loro mani intrise di sangue e di passioni perverse. Ma dobbiamo pur considerare che tutti i loro codici di procedura corrente sono ancora quelli compilati da Triboniano, cioè da un miscredente, infedele e barbaro uomo, tanto maligno, tanto perverso, tanto avido ed iniquo che vendeva le leggi, gli editti, i rescritti, le costituzioni e le ordinanze per denaro sonante a chi gli offriva di più243. Ed è cosi che egli ha ritagliato dalle leggi tanti pezzetti e brandelli, sopprimendo ed abolendo il resto, cioè il senso delle leggi stesse nella loro totalità, per timore che, restando integri e la legge e i libri degli antichi giureconsulti, alla luce delle dodici tavole e degli editti dei pretori, fosse riconosciuta apertamente dal mondo la sua nequizia.
«Perciò sarebbe spesso preferibile, cioè a dire ne verrebbe minor danno, per le parti contendenti, camminare sui triboli piuttosto che rimettersi, quanto al proprio buon diritto, alle loro interpretazioni e ai loro giudizi; come auspicava al tempo suo Catone, il quale consigliava di pavimentare la corte di giustizia di sassi piccoli e aguzzi, affinché i litiganti vi si recassero più di rado e non di buona voglia».
CAPITOLO XLV
Come Panurgo si consulta con Triboletto
Sei giorni dopo Pantagruele fu di ritorno, giusto in tempo per accogliere Triboletto che giungeva, per via d'acqua, da Blois. Come vide Triboletto, Panurgo gli si fece incontro con una vescica di maiale ben gonfia, e risonante dei piselli che c'erano dentro244. Inoltre gli fece dono di una spada di legno ben dorata; più un piccolo borsetto ricavato da un guscio di testuggine; più una bottiglia impagliata piena di vin bretone, e un paio di dozzine di mele blandureau245.
«Ma allora» esclamò Carpalim, «è proprio un matto di sette cotte!»
Triboletto cinse la spada ed il borsetto, prese la vescica in mano, mangiò un bel po' di mele e bevve tutto il vino. Panurgo lo osservava attentamente e disse:
«Non ho ancora veduto un matto – e sì che ne ho visti per più di diecimila franchi – che non gli piacesse il vino e che non lo bevesse a gran sorsate».
Poi gli espose la sua faccenda con piglio retorico e parole eleganti.
Ma ancora non aveva terminato di parlare che Triboletto gli tirò un gran pugno fra le spalle, gli mise in mano la bottiglia vuota, gli diede sul naso la vescica coi piselli, e per tutta risposta, scrollando fortemente la testa, gli gridò:
«Per Dio, Dio, pazzo arrabbiato, bada, bada al Monaco, cornamusa di Buzançai!»246
Detto questo, si ritirò in disparte, e giocava con la vescica, pigliando diletto al suono melodioso dei piselli. Poi non ci fu più verso di cavargli una parola qualsiasi di bocca. E poiché Panurgo insisteva nel volerlo interrogare, lui sfoderò la spada di legno e voleva ferirlo sul serio.
«Tutto per il meglio davvero!» esclamò Panurgo. «Ecco una bella risoluzione! Che questo qui sia un pazzo a prova d'archibugio non si può negarlo; ma più pazzo ancora chi me l'ha portato. E quattro volte pazzo sono io che l'ho messo a parte dei miei pensieri».
«Questo» disse Carpalim, «è uno schiaffo per me».
«Calma, calma» disse Pantagruele. «Consideriamo piuttosto i suoi gesti e i suoi detti. In essi io ho avvertito la presenza di misteri insigni, e non mi stupisco più, come solevo prima, che i Turchi onorino questi pazzi, quasi avendoli in conto di Musaffì e di Profeti. Avete notato come la testa gli si è scossa e sballottata, prima che aprisse la bocca per parlare? Secondo la dottrina degli antichi filosofi e alla stregua delle cerimonie dei magi e delle osservazioni dei giureconsulti, possiamo ritenere che quel movimento sia stato suscitato dalla discesa e compenetrazione in lui dello spirito fatidico, il quale, insediandosi bruscamente in una sostanza malferma e piccola (perché voi sapete che in una testa piccola non può albergare un grande cervello) l'ha scossa in cosiffatto modo per quella stessa causa che, a detta dei medici, produce tremore in tutte le membra del corpo umano: parte per la pesantezza e la violenta impetuosità del fardello portato, parte per la virtù inadeguata dell'organo portante.
«Un esempio si manifesta in coloro che, a digiuno, non riescono a reggere un grande nappo pieno di vino senza tremito della mano. Lo stesso ci mostrava anticamente la Pizia divinatrice, quando, prima di vaticinare, agitava il suo lauro domestico. Similmente narra Lampridio che l'imperatore Eliogabalo, volendo farsi credere indovino, più volte, durante le feste in onore della sua sacra effige, fra gli eunuchi fanatici247, scuoteva ostensibilmente la testa. E Plauto, nella sua Asinaria, dichiara che Sauria camminava agitando la testa come furioso e fuor di senno, spaventando quelli che incontrava. E altrove, spiegando perché Carmide scuotesse il capo, dice ch'egli era in estasi.
«Così Catullo, in Berecinzia ed Ati, narra del luogo dove le Menadi, sacerdotesse di Dioniso e forsennate divinatrici, scuotevano la testa incoronata di rami d'edera. Così facevano in casi simili gli evirati Galli248, sacerdoti di Cibele, celebrando i loro uffici. Donde provenne, secondo gli antichi teologi, il nome della dea, perché Kybistân vuoi dire volteggiare, torcere, dimenare la testa, fare il collo-torto.
«Così Tito Livio scrive che, nei baccanali di Roma, gli uomini e le donne sembravano vaticinare, a causa di certe scosse e gesticolazioni del corpo che essi contraffacevano; giacché l'opinione comune dei filosofi e la credenza del popolo era che la divinazione non fosse dai cieli concessa ad alcuno senza furore e scotimento del corpo, che tremava e si agitava non solo nel riceverla, ma anche nel manifestarla e interpretarla.
«Difatti, Giuliano, giureconsulto insigne, interrogato una volta se dovesse tenersi per sano lo schiavo che, in compagnia di persone deliranti e furiose, avesse conversato e magari vaticinato, ma senza quel certo scotimento della testa, rispose che sì, doveva tenersi per sano. Così vediamo al dì d'oggi precettori e pedagoghi scuotere la testa dei loro discepoli, come si fa con un vaso per le anse, cioè pizzicando e tirando loro le orecchie (che, secondo la dottrina dei saggi Egiziani, è l'organo sacro a Mnemosine) allo scopo di richiamare i loro spiriti –forse in quel momento distratti da pensieri aberranti e come spaventati da passioni riprovevoli – alla sana e filosofica disciplina249. Ed è quello che intende Virgilio250 quando confessa che Apollo Cinzio gli diede una tirata di orecchie».
CAPITOLO XLVI
Come Pantagruele e Panurgo interpretano diversamente le parole di Triboletto
«Triboletto dice che siete pazzo. E che tipo di pazzo? Pazzo furioso, che ormai alle soglie della vecchiezza volete legarvi e rendervi. schiavo col matrimonio. Vi dice: "Bada al monaco!". E io vi dico, parola mia, che sarà un qualche monaco a farvi becco. E se anche fossi dominatore unico e incontrastato d'Europa, d'Africa e d'Asia, vi assicuro sul mio onore che non saprei trovare niente di più straordinario di questo nostro morosofo251 ; il quale – e ponete mente al merito che gli rendo –, mentre gli altri oracoli e responsi vi avevano dato concordemente per becco, senza mai dire apertamente ad opera di chi vostra moglie sarebbe fatta adultera e voi cornuto, ecco che invece il nobile Triboletto lo dice. E il tradimento sarà infame e grandemente scandaloso. Dovrà dunque accadere che il vostro letto coniugale sia imbrattato d'incesto e contaminato dalla monacaglia?
«Triboletto dice ancora che sarete la cornamusa di Buzançai, vale a dire ben cornato, cornardo e cornuto. E allo stesso modo che lui, volendo chiedere al re Luigi XII la gabella del sale a Buzançai per suo fratello, chiese una cornamusa, così voi, illudendovi di sposare una qualche donna dabbene ed onorata, sposerete una donna vuota di senno, piena di vento, d'oltracotanza, urlona e sgradevole come una cornamusa.
«Notate inoltre che egli vi batteva la vescica sul naso e vi menò una gran botta sulla schiena. Questo vuol dire che da lei sarete battuto, preso a buffetti sul naso, e anche spogliato dei vostri averi, come voi avete rubato la vescica di porco ai ragazzi di Vaubreton».
«Tutto il contrario» disse Panurgo. «Non ch'io intenda, impudentemente, dichiararmi straniero in terra di pazzia. Io ne tengo e vi appartengo, lo confesso. Non per caso in Lorena Fou è vicina a Tou252. Tutto è pazzia. Salomone dice che il numero dei pazzi è infinito, e all'infinità nulla può essere tolto e nulla aggiunto, come dimostra Aristotele. E sarei veramente pazzo da legare se, pazzo essendo, pazzo non mi credessi: che è proprio la ragione per cui senza fine è il numero dei maniaci e dei furiosi. E Avicenna dice che le specie di mania sono infinite.
«Ma per il resto, le parole e i gesti di Triboletto son tutti a mio favore. È a mia moglie che Triboletto dice: "Bada al monaco". E vuoi dire che sarà un monachino, cioè un passerotto, lo svago e la gran delizia di lei. Essa lo accudirà. L'uccellino le svolazzerà d'attorno cacciando le mosche, ed essa vi trascorrerà gioiosamente il suo tempo né più né meno di Domiziano il mangiamosche253.
«Triboletto dice ancora ch'essa sarà piacente e forosetta come una bella cornamusa di Saulieu o di Buzançai. Il veridico pazzo ha ben capito la mia indole e i miei interni sentimenti. Perché, ve lo garantisco, a me piacciono di più le pastorelle gaie e scapigliate, il cui culetto odora di serpillo, che non le grandi dame di palazzo, coi loro ricchi fronzoli, e i loro effluvi d'acqua nanfanaria254: mi piace il suono della rustica cornamusa più assai che il trillo dei liuti, delle ribeche e dei violini di corte.
«È vero che mi ha tirato un pugno sulla mia buona vecchia schiena. Ma questo va nel conto dell'amor di Dio e a sconto di qualche anno di Purgatorio. Non l'ha fatto per malaugurio. Credeva di picchiare un paggio. È un pazzo dabbene; è innocuo, ve l'assicuro; e offende Dio chi ne pensa male. Io lo perdono di tutto cuore.
«Quanto ai buffetti sul naso, certo che lei me li darà, ma saranno i piccoli scherzi fra me e mia moglie, come s'usa tra sposi novelli».
CAPITOLO XLVII
Come Pantagruele e Panurgo decidono di visitare l'oracolo
della Diva Bottiglia
«Ma c'è un altro punto» disse Panurgo, «che voi non avete considerato; e il nocciolo della questione è proprio lì. Triboletto mi ha rimesso in mano la bottiglia. Che significa ciò? Cosa vuol dire?»
«Forse» rispose Pantagruele, «significa che vostra moglie sarà un'ubriacona».
«Tutto il contrario» disse Panurgo, «perché la bottiglia era vuota. Io vi giuro sulla spina dorsale di San Fiacre di Brie255 che il nostro morosofo, l'unico non lunatico256 Triboletto, ha inteso rimandarmi alla Diva Bottiglia. E io rinnovo qui il mio antico voto, e qui, davanti a voi, prometto e giuro sulla palude Stigia e l'Acheronte257 che seguiterò a portare gli occhiali al berretto e a non metter braghetta ai pantaloni finché non abbia udito il verbo della Diva Bottiglia.
«Io so di un uomo prudente e amico mio che conosce il luogo, il paese e la contrada nella quale si trova il suo tempio ed il suo oracolo. Egli ci guiderà colà sicuramente. Andiamoci insieme. Vi supplico di non dire di no. Io sarò per voi un Acate258, un Damis259, e un allegro e buon compagno per tutto il cammino. Vi so da tempo amatore di peregrinità, desideroso sempre di vedere e di apprendere. Ebbene, credetemi, vedremo cose mirabili».
«Volentieri» disse Pantagruele. «Ma prima di avventurarci in questa lunga peregrinazione, piena di rischi, piena di pericoli evidenti...»
«Quali rischi? Quali pericoli?» disse Panurgo. «Non sapete che al giungere del principe si ritrae il magistrato e al sorgere del sole la notte si dilegua? Ebbene, ovunque io sia, i pericoli fuggono da me per sette leghe all'intorno, cosa come fuggivano le malattie all'arrivo a Cande del corpo di San Martino»260.
«A proposito» disse Pantagruele, «prima di metterci in viaggio dovremo sbrigare alcune faccende. Anzitutto dobbiamo rimandare Triboletto a Blois. Poi ci occorre l'avviso ed il permesso del re, mio padre. Infine dovremo trovare una qualche Sibilla per guida e turcimanno».
Per Triboletto si provvide immediatamente, e lui se ne partì con un bel mantello intessuto d'oro crespo, dono di Pantagruele. Quanto alla Sibilla, Panurgo disse che il suo amico Xenomane261 sarebbe bastato e che, per di più, egli intendeva passare per il paese dei Lanternesi e là provvedersi di qualche dotta e utile Lanterna; la quale sarebbe stata per loro, in questo viaggio, ciò che fu la Sibilla per Enea quando discese ai campi Elisi. Carpalim che passava di lì scortando Triboletto, sentì questi discorsi e gridò: «Ohé, messer lo sdebitato, prenditi Milord Debitis a Calais, perché quello è un good falò, e non dimenticare i debitoribus. Così avrai torcia e lanterna»262.
«II mio pronostico» disse Pantagruele, «è che lungo il viaggio non soffriremo di malinconia. Solo mi dispiace che non so parlare un buon lanternese».
«Lo parlerò io per tutti voi» disse Panurgo. «Io lo capisco come la, mia lingua materna; mi viene naturale come il dialetto del mio paese:
Briszmarg d'algotbric nubstzne zos
isquebfz prusq; alborlz crinqs zacbac.
Misbe dilbarlkz morp nipp stancz bos.
Strombtz, Panrge walmap quost grufz bac263.
«E adesso, Epistemone, indovina cos'è».
«Questi» disse Epistemone, «sono diavoli erranti, diavoli volanti, diavoli rampanti».
«Hai ragliato bene, amico bello» disse Panurgo. «Questo è lanternese di corte. Per la strada te ne farò un bel dizionaretto che non durerà più di un paio di scarpe nuove. Quello che ho detto in lanternese, a tradurlo in volgare, suona così:
Mille malanni da innamorato
m'erano addosso e non ebbi che guai,
Solo chi è sposo vive beato,
e tu, Panurgo, che lo sei, lo sai».
«Allora» disse Pantagruele, «non resta che sentire la volontà del re mio padre e ottenere licenza da lui».
CAPITOLO XLVIII
Come Gargantua ammonisce non esser lecito ai figli di maritarsi alla insaputa e senza il consenso dei loro padri e delle loro madri
Entrando nella grande sala del castello, Pantagruele trovò il buon Gargantua che usciva dal consiglio. Gli raccontò per sommi capi di sé e di Panurgo e delle loro avventure, gli espose i loro propositi e lo supplicò di renderne possibile l'esecuzione con il suo assenso e la sua benedizione. Il buon Gargantua reggeva in mano due grossi pacchi di suppliche cui aveva già risposto e di memorie cui doveva ancora rispondere: li consegnò a Ulrico Gallet, suo antico referendario, trasse in disparte Pantagruele, e con volto più ilare del consueto gli disse:
«Io lodo Iddio, figliuolo amatissimo, che vi conserva nei virtuosi propositi, e mi fa gran piacere che questo viaggio sia compiuto sotto la vostra guida; ma vorrei che anche in voi nascesse il desiderio e il proposito di ammogliarvi. A me pare che siate oramai nell'età conveniente. Panurgo ha fatto del suo meglio per vincere le difficoltà che potevano essergli di impedimento: parlatemi di voi, adesso».
«Mio ottimo e caro padre» rispose Pantagruele, «io per la verità non ci avevo ancora pensato. Per tutta questa faccenda io mi rimetto alla vostra saggia volontà e al vostro paterno comando. E chiedo a Dio di essere visto morto stecchito piuttosto che vivo e maritato senza il vostro beneplacito. Io non ho mai sentito che alcuna legge, sia sacra, sia profana e barbara, abbia rimesso all'arbitrio dei figli la facoltà di maritarsi senza consenso, la volontà e il favore dei padri, delle madri e dei parenti prossimi loro264. Tutti i legislatori hanno tolto ai figli questa libertà e l'hanno riservata ai parenti».
«Io vi credo, figlio carissimo» disse Gargantua, «e lodo Dio che a vostra conoscenza vengano soltanto cose buone e lodevoli e che per le finestre dei vostri sensi, nulla abbia preso albergo nel vostro spirito che non sia un sapere liberale. Perché al tempo mio è stato trovato nel continente un paese265 dove non so che pastofori266 talpoidi, aborrenti le nozze più che i pontefici di Cibele in Frigia (fossero almeno capponi e non galli267 pieni di salacità e di lascivia) hanno dettato alle persone maritate tali leggi in fatto di matrimonio, che io non so cosa più si debba avere in abominio, se la tirannica presunzione di questi temibili schiodacristi, che invece di starsene intanati dietro le gelosie dei loro templi misteriosi, si intromettono in faccende diametralmente opposte al loro stato, oppure la stupidità superstiziosa delle persone coniugate che hanno sancito ed osservate queste maligne e barbariche leggi; e non vedono (ciò che è più chiaro della stella del mattino) come tali sanzioni connubiali sono tutte intese a vantaggio dei loro mistici pastori e nessuna al bene e al profitto degli sposi. Il che è causa sufficiente per renderle sospette come inique e fraudolente.
«Con mutua temerità potrebbero i maritati imporre leggi a codesti pastofori su cerimonie e sacrifizi, dacché costoro ne divorano i beni, ne taglieggiano i guadagni e traggono di che nutrirsi e vivere nell'abbondanza dalle loro fatiche, dal sudore delle loro mani. E non sarebbero mai, io credo, leggi tanto perverse e inopportune quanto quelle che hanno ricevuto. Perché, come benissimo avete detto, non c'era legge al mondo che concedesse ai figli libertà di maritarsi senza il parere e il consenso dei padri e a loro insaputa.
«In forza delle leggi di cui vi parlo, non c'è oggi ruffiano, furfante e scellerato, scampaforche, sozzo, fetente, ladro, brigante, crassatore, canaglia, nelle loro contrade, che non possa rapire con la forza qualunque fanciulla egli voglia (per nobile, bella, ricca, onesta e pudica che la possiate immaginare) dalla casa del padre, dalle braccia della madre e ad onta dei parenti tutti, purché questo ruffiano sia in combutta con qualche pastoforo, che un giorno o l'altro parteciperà della preda. Forse che farebbero peggio e più crudelmente i Goti, gli Sciti, i Massageti, in una piazza nemica assediata per lungo tempo, espugnata a gran prezzo e presa con la forza?
«E i dolenti genitori si vedono rapire e portar via dalle loro case, per mano di uno sconosciuto, di uno straniero, di un barbaro putrido cane, canceroso, cadaverico, spiantato, sciagurato, le loro così belle, delicate, ricche e sane figliole, che tanto amorevolmente hanno allevato in ogni pratica virtuosa ed educato con tutta onestà; essi che speravano di accasarle quando fosse il tempo con i figli dei loro vicini e antichi amici, cresciuti ed educati con eguali cure, onde poi conseguissero quella felicità del matrimonio che è di veder nascere una nuova progenie, erede e custode dei beni e delle ricchezze dei padri e delle madri non meno che dei loro costumi. Quale spettacolo vi sembra possa essere, questo, per loro?
«Non crediate che fosse più grande la desolazione del popolo romano e dei suoi confederati nell'udir della morte di Germanico Druso.
«Non crediate che più pietoso sia stato lo sconforto dei Lacedemoni quando videro Elena greca rapita furtivamente al loro paese dall'adultero troiano.
«Non crediate che il loro lutto e i loro lamenti siano men grandi di quelli di Cerere quando le fu rapita la figlia Proserpina; di Iside alla perdita di Osiride; di Venere alla morte di Adone; di Ercole allo smarrimento di Ila; di Ecuba al ratto di Polissena.
«Tuttavia, quei meschini che ho detto tanto son preda della paura del diavolo e della superstizione che non osano contrastare: il talpoide era là, presente e stipulante. E restano nelle loro case, orbati delle figlie tanto amate, il padre maledicendo il giorno e l'ora delle sue nozze, la madre rimpiangendo di non avere abortito anziché partorire la sua stessa infelicità; e finiscono in lacrime e lamentazioni quella vita che, ragionevolmente, avrebbe potuto concludersi nella gioia e nel conforto delle filiali sollecitudini.
«Altri ce n'è che rimangono istupiditi e come dementi, al punto che si uccidono con le loro stesse mani, s'impiccano, si annegano, non avendo la forza di reggere a un simile affronto.
«Di altri ho saputo, più animosi ed eroici, i quali – sull'esempio dei figli di Giacobbe268 che vendicarono il ratto di Dina loro sorella – avendo sorpreso il ruffiano ed il talpoide a confabulare e a subornare clandestinamente le loro figlie, li hanno uccisi all'istante e fatti a pezzi senz'ombra di pietà; e i loro corpi han gettato in mezzo ai campi alla mercé dei corvi e dei lupi.
«Al quale atto tanto virile e cavalleresco, gli inorriditi talpoidi confratelli levarono al cielo i loro omèi e ne mossero orribili querele, invocando e implorando sfrontatamente il braccio secolare e la pubblica giustizia, e insistendo fieramente e strepitando perché del preteso crimine fosse data una punizione esemplare.
«Ma, né il senso naturale di equità, né il diritto delle genti, né una qualsivoglia legge imperiale comprendono una rubrica, un paragrafo, una clausola, un punto per i quali fosse mai comminata pena o tortura a espiazione di un atto del genere, essendo ciò contrario alla ragione e ripugnante alla natura. Perché non c'è al mondo uomo virtuoso che non sia – naturalmente e secondo ragione – maggiormente sconvolto in ogni suo sentimento nel ricevere notizia del ratto, dell'infamia e del disonore di sua figlia che nell'apprenderne la morte. Ora, chiunque sorprenda l'assassino nell'atto di uccidere iniquamente e proditoriamente sua figlia, può secondo ragione, deve secondo natura ucciderlo all'istante, e non cadrà per questo sotto i rigori della giustizia. Non è perciò meraviglia se cogliendo il ruffiano e il talpoide a subornare la figlia, a rapirla dalla sua casa, sia pure lei consenziente, egli li possa, li debba mettere a morte ignominiosamente, gettandone i corpi in pasto alle bestie feroci, come indegni di ricevere quel dolce, desiderato, ultimo abbraccio della nostra gran madre, Palma Terra, che noi chiamiamo sepoltura.
«Figlio carissimo, dopo la mia morte, abbiate cura che tali leggi mai non siano accolte in questo mio regno. Io, finché avrò vita e respiro in questo corpo, vi provvederò nel modo migliore con l'aiuto del mio Dio269.
«Adesso preparatevi al viaggio di Panurgo. Prendete con voi Epistemone, frate Giovanni, e altri che sceglierete voi stesso. Dei miei tesori disponete a vostro arbitrio. Nulla di ciò che farete potrà dispiacermi. Al mio arsenale di Talassa sceglietevi l'equipaggio che vi conviene: piloti, nocchieri, turcimanni, secondo necessità; e a vento propizio fate vela, nel nome e con la protezione del Signore.
«Durante la vostra assenza procurerò di trovarvi una sposa e di apprestarvi un festino di nozze così ricco, splendido e solenne da dover dire che mai se ne vide l'uguale».
CAPITOLO XLIX
Come Pantagruele fece i preparativi per prendere il mare e dell'erba chiamata Pantagruelione270
Pochi giorni dopo, Pantagruele, preso congedo dal buon Gargantua, che pregava fervidamente per il viaggio del figlio, arrivò al porto di Talassa presso Saint-Malo, accompagnato da Panurgo, Epistemone, fra Giovanni de' Battitori, abate di Telème, e altri della nobile casa, in particolare Xenomane, il grande viaggiatore, provato a tutti i perigli delle più misteriose contrade e venuto per ordine di Panurgo perché possedeva non so che cosa a titolo di sottofeudo nella Castellania del Guazzetto.
Là arrivati, Pantagruele equipaggiò i suoi legni, pari nel numero a quelli che anticamente Aiace aveva armato per condurre i Greci alla guerra di Troia: nostromi, piloti, rematori, turcimanni, artigiani, uomini d'arme, viveri, artiglierie, munizioni, indumenti, denaro, e ogni cosa occorrente per un lungo e avventuroso viaggio, egli prese e imbarcò. Fra l'altro, io vidi che fece caricare una gran quantità della sua erba Pantagruelione, parte ancora verde e grezza, parte lavorata e confezionata.
L'erba Pantagruelione271 ha una radice piccola, duretta, rotondetta, terminante a punta ottusa, bianca, con poche barbe, profonda nel terreno non più di un cubito. Dalla radice sorge un fusto unico, rotondo, ferulaceo, verde di fuori, bianchiccio di dentro, cavo come lo stelo dello smyrnium olusatrum o macerone, della fava e della genziana; legnoso, dritto, friabile, dentellato alcun poco a guisa di colonna leggermente striata, pieno di fibre nelle quali consiste il suo pregio – specialmente nella parte detta mesa, cioè mediana, e in quella detta mylasea272.
Ordinariamente è alta da cinque a sei piedi. Qualche volta supera l'altezza di una lancia, e ciò quando trova un terreno dolce, uliginoso, leggero, umido e non freddo, come è quello di Olona e quello di Rosea presso Preneste nella Sabina, e non le manchi la pioggia al tempo dei ludi piscatorii e del solstizio d'estate. E qualche volta supera anche l'altezza di un albero, se tale chiamiamo, come già Teofrasto, la malva arborea, che peraltro è un'erba stagionale e non un albero con radice, caudice, tronco e rami perenni.
Dal fusto si diramano forti e grosse branche.
Ha le foglie tre volte più lunghe che larghe, ruvidette come quelle dell'ancusa, dentellate torno torno come un falcetto e come la betonica, terminanti a punta come una sarissa macedone o come una lancetta da chirurgo. La forma poco differisce da quella delle foglie del frassino e dell'agrimonia, ed è tanto simile all'eupatoria che parecchi erboristi, avendola classificata fra le piante domestiche, hanno chiamato l'eupatoria Pantagruelione selvatico. E queste foglie sono disposte attorno allo stelo a verticilli equidistanti, in numero di cinque o di sette ciascuno. Tanto la natura ha privilegiato questa pianta che l'ha dotata nelle sue foglie di questi due numeri dispari tanto divini e misteriosi. Il loro odore è forte e poco gradito ai nasi delicati.
Il seme si produce verso la cima del fusto e un po' al disotto. È abbondante come quello di qualsiasi altra erba: rotondo, oblungo, romboidale, quasi nero e come tané, duretto, avvolto in una fragile pellicola, delizioso per tutti gli uccelli canori, come fanelli, cardellini, lodolette, fringuelli, lucherini e simili; ma nell'uomo, mangiandone molto e spesso, estingue le facoltà generative. E sebbene anticamente i Greci ne facessero certe fricassee, torte e frittelle che mangiavano dopo pranzo per ghiottoneria e per meglio gustare il vino, nondimeno questo seme è di difficile concozione, guasta lo stomaco, genera cattivo sangue e, col suo calore eccessivo, offende il cervello e riempie la testa di spiacevoli e dolorosi vapori.
Come in parecchie altre piante (il lauro, la palma, la quercia, il leccio, l'asfodelo, la mandragola, la felce, l'agarico, l'aristolochia, il cipresso, il terebinto, il puleggio, la peonia ecc.) anche in quest'erba vi sono i due sessi: il maschio che non porta alcun fiore ma abbonda di semi, e la femmina che sovrabbonda di fiori, piccoli, biancastri, non buoni ad alcunché, e, al pari di altre piante consimili, ha la foglia più larga e meno dura del maschio e non cresce a eguale altezza.
Questo Pantagruelione si semina al primo arrivo delle rondinelle e si raccoglie quando comincia ad arrochire il canto delle cicale.
CAPITOLO L
Come si prepara e si adopera il famoso Pantagruelione
Il Pantagruelione si prepara nell'equinozio d'autunno, in maniere diverse secondo la fantasia dei popoli e la diversità dei paesi. Il primo insegnamento di Pantagruele fu di mondarne il fusto dalle foglie e dai semi e di metterlo a macerare in acqua stagnante, cioè non corrente, per cinque giorni se l'acqua è calda e il tempo asciutto; per nove o dodici se il tempo è nuvoloso e l'acqua è fredda; poi seccarlo al sole; poi scortecciarlo all'ombra è separarne le fibre (nelle quali, come detto, consiste ogni suo pregio e valore) dalla parte legnosa, che non serve a nulla se non a farne bei falò, ad accendere il fuoco, e a divertire i ragazzetti che ci gonfiano le vesciche di porco; benché qualche volta i ghiottoni se ne servano di nascosto per tirar su dal cocchiume, col respiro, il vino nuovo.
Certi Pantagruelisti moderni, per evitare la fatica manuale che richiederebbe una simile separazione, usano certe macchine per frangere, a elementi intrecciati, come le dita delle mani di Giunone, quando, inviperita, voleva impedire il parto di Alcmena, madre di Ercole273; e con quelle, battono e sminuzzano la parte legnosa da gettare, per utilizzare la fibra.
Di questa sola preparazione si accontentano coloro che, contro l'opinione generale e in modo paradossale per tutti i filosofi, si guadagnano la vita rinculando274.
Coloro invece che intendono ricavare da questa pianta il maggior profitto fanno ciò che si racconta dei passatempi delle tre sorelle Parche, degli svaghi notturni della nobile Circe275 e del lungo inganno di Penelope, a scorno dei suoi corteggiatori, durante l'assenza del marito Ulisse. E in questo modo è dato apprezzarne le inestimabili virtù; delle quali alcune soltanto vi esporrò – ché mi sarebbe impossibile elencarvele tutte – non senza avervi prima illustrato l'origine del nome di quest'erba eccellentissima.
Le piante – mi risulta – prendono nome in modi e per ragioni diverse. Alcune hanno preso il nome di colui che primo le scoprì, le studiò, le fece conoscere, le coltivò, le acclimò e le lavorò; per esempio: mercuriale da Mercurio; panacea da Panace, figlia di Esculapio; artemisia da Artemide, cioè Diana; eupatoria dal re Eupatore; telefio da Telefo; euforbia da Euforbo, medico del re Giuba; climeno da Climeno; alcibio da Alcibiade; genziana da Genziano re di Schiavonia. E fu, nel tempo antico, tanto in pregio questa prerogativa dello scopritore di un'erba di darle il proprio nome che, non diversamente da Nettuno, venuto in gran contesa con Pallade Atena per via del nome da dare alla terra che insieme avevano scoperto (terra che poi fu detta Atene dal nome della dea), così del pari Linco, re di Scizia, tentò di uccidere a tradimento il giovane Neottolemo, ch'era stato inviato da Cerere perché mostrasse agli uomini l'uso del frumento ad essi ancora ignoto; e ciò per poter essere lui a dare il proprio nome a questo grano tanto utile e necessario alla vita dell'uomo ed esserne riconosciuto inventore con lode e gloria immortale. Invece, a causa di quel tradimento, fu trasformato da Cerere in lince o lupo cerviero.
Allo stesso modo sorsero grandi e lunghe guerre in Cappadocia, fra certi re sfaccendati, soltanto per decidere il nome di un'erba, che poi, a causa di quel trambusto, fu detta polemonia, cioè bellicosa.
Altre piante hanno ritentito il nome del paese d'origine. Così abbiamo i meli medici, che sono i cedri della Media, dove furono scoperti; i meli punici, cioè i melagrani, provenienti dalla regione punica, ossia da Cartagine; il ligustico o libistico, portato dalla Liguria, che è la riviera di Genova; nonché il rabarbaro, dal fiume barbaro chiamato Rha276, come attesta Ammiano; lo stecade, dalle mie isole Hyères277, dette anticamente Stecadi; e così santonico, il fieno greco, il castagno, il persico, la sabina, la spica celtica eccetera.
Altre hanno preso il nome per antifrasi e contraddizione. Così l'apinthion, cioè l'assenzio, che è il contrario di pinta278, perché disgustoso a bersi; e l'olostio, che significa tutt'ossa, mentre non c'è in natura erba più fragile e tenera di questa.
Altre sono denominate dalle loro virtù e applicazioni. Tali l'aristolochia, che aiuta le donne a partorire; il lichene, che guarisce l'omonima malattia; la malva279, perché mollifica; il callitrico, che fa belli i capelli; il nasturzio, che è il crescione orleanese; l'alisso280, l'efemero, il bechio, il giusquiamo, l'anebano eccetera.
Altre dalle loro qualità stupefacenti; come l'elitropio o girasole, che segue l'astro del giorno; e quando il sole si leva, si dischiude; quando sale s'innalza; quando declina si china; quando tramonta si richiude. O l'adianto, che non ritiene mai l'umidità, sebbene cresca presso le acque e quand'anche lo si tenga a bagno molto a lungo. E così l'eringio, la jeracia, ed altre ancora.
Anche ve n'è che prendono nome da metamorfosi di uomini e donne; come dafne, che è il lauro, da Dafne; il mirto da Mirsina; piti, cioè il pino, dalla ninfa Pytis; e così la cìnara (cioè l'articiocco), il narciso, lo zafferano, la smìlace, e via dicendo.
Di altre il nome fu trovato per similitudine. Così l'ippuro o equiseto, perché somiglia a una coda di cavallo; l'alopecuro, che somiglia a una coda di volpe; lo psillio, che somiglia alla pulce: come il delfinio al delfino; la buglossa alla lingua del bue; l'iride all'arcobaleno, nei suoi fiori; il myosotis all'orecchio del topo; il coronopo al piede di cornacchia, e così via.
Per converso e quasi a titolo di reciprocità, i Fabi presero nome dalle fave; i Pisoni dai piselli; i Lentuli dalle lenticchie; i Ciceroni dai ceti. Come altresì, per una più singolare rassomiglianza, altre piante sono chiamate: ombelico di Venere, capelvenere, tino di Venere, barba di Giove, occhio di Giove, sangue di Marte, dita di Mercurio, (hermodactili) ecc. Per non dire di quelle che derivano il nome dalla loro propria forma; come il trifoglio che ha tre foglie; il pentafillo che ne ha cinque; il serpillo che serpeggia raso terra; l'elsine; la petasite; i mirabolani281, che somigliano al glande e sono untuosi, e che gli Arabi chiamano been.
CAPITOLO LI
Perché il Pantagruelione si chiama così e delle sue mirabili virtù
Per le ragioni che ho detto (ad eccezione di quelle mitologiche, perché Dio ne guardi dal mescolare favole a una tanto veridica storia) l'erba di cui parlo è chiamata Pantagruelione: perché fu inventata da Pantagruele. Non dico la pianta, bensì un certo uso di essa che è odiato e aborrito dai ladroni e ad essi più odioso e nemico che non la tigna e la cuscuta al lino, che non la canna alle felci, la rasperella ai falciatori, l'orobanche ai ceci, l'egìlope all'orzo, l'edìsaro alle lenticchie, l'antranium alle fave, il loglio al frumento, l'edera ai muri, il nenufar e la nimphaea heraclia ai monaci puttanieri282, la ferula e la betulla agli scolari di Navarra283, il cavolo alla vite, l'aglio alla calamita284, la cipolla alla vista, il seme delle felci alle donne incinte, il seme di salice alle monache viziose, l'ombra del tasso a chi vi dorme sotto, l'aconito ai lupi e ai leopardi, l'odore del fico ai tori inferociti, la cicuta alle papere, la porcellana ai denti, l'olio agli alberelli. Molti infatti vedemmo di codesti ladroni, a causa di quel certo uso di quest'erba, por fine ai loro giorni, altolocati sì, ma troppo corti; come ad esempio: regina di Tracia; Bonoso, imperatore romano; Amata, moglie del re Latino; Acheo, re di Lidia; Ifi, Auctolia, Licambo, Aracne, Fedra, Leda, e altri: di questo unicamente indignati, che solo a causa del Pantagruelione e senz'essere altrimenti ammalati, gli si oppilavano i condotti dai quali escono i bei motti ed entrano i buoni bocconi; e in modo più brutale di quanto non farebbe la mala angina o la mortale squinanzia.
Altri ne abbiamo uditi, nel momento in cui Atropo tagliava loro lo starne della vita, dolersi amaramente e querelarsi del fatto che Pantagruele li stringesse alla gola. Poveracci! Non era mica Pantagruele, che mai non fu carnefice: era il Pantagruelione che fungeva per loro da cappio e da gorgiera. Essi si esprimevano impropriamente e commettevano solecismo, salvo che non parlassero per sineddoche, prendendo l'inventore per la cosa inventata, così come si dice Cerere invece che pane e Bacco invece che vino. Io vi giuro qui, per i bei motti rinchiusi in quella bottiglia che sta in fresco in quella tinozza, che il nobile Pantagruele mai non prese nessuno alla gola, salvo quelli che non si curano di tagliare la strada alla sete imminente.
Il Pantagruelione è chiamato così anche per similitudine. Perché Pantagruele, quando venne al mondo, era grande appunto quanto l'erba in questione, e ne fu presa la misura agevolmente, visto ch'egli nacque nella stagione della sete, quando quest'erba viene raccolta e il cane di Icario285, a forza di abbaiare al sole, ci rende tutti trogloditi e ci costringe ad abitare nelle cantine e nei luoghi sotterranei.
Ma l'origine del nome risiede anche e soprattutto nelle virtù e straordinarie particolarità di questa pianta. Infatti, come Pantagruele ha impersonato l'Idea e l'archetipo di ogni letificante perfezione (e penso che nessuno di voialtri bevitori ne dubiti) così io ravviso nel Pantagruelione tanto di virtù, tanto di energia, tanto di perfezione, tanti e così mirabili effetti, che se quest'erba fosse stata conosciuta nelle sue qualità, quando, come narra il profeta, gli alberi si misero in cammino per ungere un re di legno che regnasse su di loro, essa avrebbe riscosso senza dubbio la maggioranza dei voti e dei suffragi.
E che più? Se Oxilio, figlio di Orione, l'avesse generato da sua sorella Amadriade, più si sarebbe compiaciuto del suo valore che di quello degli otto suoi figli, tanto celebrati dai nostri mitologi che ne eternarono il nome. La figlia maggiore ebbe nome Vite, il figlio cadetto Fico, il terzo Noce, il quarto Quercia, il quinto Corniolo, il sesto Bagolaro, il settimo Pioppo; l'ultimo fu chiamato Olmo e fu grande chirurgo al tempo suo286.
Tralascio di dirvi come il succo di Pantagruelione, spremuto e stillato nelle orecchie vi uccide ogni sorta di insetti o parassiti che vi siano nati per putrefazione o vi siano penetrati dall'esterno. Se versate di quel succo in una secchia d'acqua, subito vedrete l'acqua rapprendersi come latte cagliato, tanto è grande il suo potere.
La radice cotta nell'acqua ammollisce i nervi contratti, le giunture attrappite, le podagre scirrose e le gotte nocchiute.
Se volete guarire prontamente d'una scottatura, sia d'acqua sia di fuoco, applicatevi del Pantagruelione crudo, vale a dire come nasce dalla terra, senza altra preparazione o composizione, avendo cura di cambiarlo non appena essicato sulla piaga.
Senza il Pantagruelione, le nostre cucine sarebbero lerce; le tavole detestabili anche se colme di ogni sorta di cibi squisiti; i letti sarebbero ingrati giacigli, anche se carichi d'oro, argento, ambra, avorio e porfido; e senza di esso i mugnai non potrebbero portare il grano ai molini e tantomeno riportarne la farina.
E gli avvocati, come porterebbero in udienza le loro arringhe? Come giungerebbe il gesso allo studio dello scultore? Come salirebbe l'acqua dal pozzo? Su cosa scriverebbero tabellioni e copisti, scribi e segretari? Non perirebbero forse i registri delle tasse e delle rendite e la stessa nobilissima arte della stampa? E come sarebbe possibile, senza quest'erba, fare le impannate o suonare le campane? Di essa si adornano gli Isiaci287; di essa si rivestono i Pastofori288; da essa si ricava l'indumento primario che ricopre l'intera umanità. Tutti gli alberi lanuginosi dei Serî, i gossampini di Tilo nel Mar Persico, le sine degli Arabi289, le viti di Malta290, non vestono tante persone quante quest'erba lei sola.
Essa protegge gli eserciti contro il freddo e la pioggia più efficacemente delle pelli di un tempo; essa serve a irretire il bosco e la macchia come meglio piace ai cacciatori, e s'immerge nell'acqua, sia dolce sia marina, a profitto dei pescatori. Per suo mezzo son messi in forma ed in uso stivali, stivaletti, gambiere, uose, borzacchini, scarpine, pantofole, ciabatte. Con essa si tendono gli archi, si fasciano le balestre, si fanno le fionde. E come se fosse un'erba sacra, verbenica e riverita dai Mani e dai Lemuri, i corpi dei defunti non sono mai inumati senza di essa.
Dirò di più. Mediante quest'erba le sostanze invisibili291 vengono visibilmente fermate, prese, rattenute e come imprigionate; e grazie a questa presa e tenuta, le grosse e grevi mole girano agevolmente, con insigne profitto per la vita dell'uomo. E io mi meraviglio che un simile impiego sia stato ignorato per tanti secoli dagli antichi filosofi, considerata l'utilità inestimabile di una tale invenzione e la fatica insostenibile che gli uomini dovevano sopportare senza di essa nei loro mulini.
Per mezzo di quest'erba, per quella sua virtù di ritenere i flutti dell'aria, le grosse navi da carico, ad arbitrio dei loro nocchieri, i grandi talameghi, i possenti galeoni, le navi chiliandre e miriandre levano gli ormeggi, escono in rada e vanno verso il mare.
Per essa, genti e nazioni che la natura sembrava tener nascoste, irraggiungibili e sconosciute, sono venute a noi e noi a loro: cosa che non farebbero gli uccelli per grande che sia la leggerezza delle loro penne e la libertà di navigare nell'aria concessa loro dalla natura. Taprobana292 ha veduto la Lapponia, Giava ha visto i monti Rifei, Febol293 vedrà Telème, e le genti d'Islanda e Groenlandia vedranno l'Eufrate. Per essa, Borea ha visitato il maniero di Austro; Euro ha visitato Zefiro. Di modo che le Intelligenze celesti e tutti gli dèi, sia marini sia terrestri, atterriti al vedere – con l'uso di questo benedetto Pantagruelione – i popoli artici, mescolati agli antartici, traversare l'Atlantico, varcare i tropici, andare a destra e a manca per la zona torrida, misurare tutto lo zodiaco, andarsene a diporto sotto l'equinoziale, avere in vista l'uno e l'altro polo a fiore d'orizzonte, si son riuniti e si son detti:
«Ecco che questo Pantagruele, con l'uso e la virtù della sua erba, ci procura nuovi e fastidiosi pensieri peggio che non facessero nel passato i figli di Aloeo. Presto si ammoglierà e avrà figli anche lui. Né possiamo opporci a un tale destino, che è passato per le mani e pei fusi delle sorelle fatali, figlie della necessità. Da questi figli forse saranno scoperte altre erbe di altrettale energia, per mezzo delle quali gli uomini potranno visitare le sorgenti della grandine, la bocca delle piogge e l'officina delle folgori; potranno invadere le regioni della luna, scorazzare pel territorio dei segni celesti e prendere alloggio chi all'Aquila d'Oro, chi all'Ariete, chi alla Corona, chi alla Lira, chi al Leone d'Argento294, per poi sedersi a tavola con noi e prendere per mogli le nostre dee; che è l'unico modo per essere deificati». E per opporsi a una tale iattura decisero di nominare un consiglio che deliberasse sulle misure più opportune.
CAPITOLO LII
Come una certa specie di Pantagruelione non può essere consumata dal fuoco295
Ciò che vi ho detto è grande e meraviglioso, ma nel caso che vi bastasse l'animo di credere a qualche altra divina proprietà di questo Pantagruelione, io ve ne parlerò. Che poi ci crediate sì o ci crediate no, a me importa poco. A me importa soltanto di avervi detto la verità.
La verità io ve la dirò. Ma per poterla penetrare, poiché essa è di accesso assai difficile e accidentato, io vi domando: se avessi messo in questa bottiglia una misura d'acqua e due di vino ben mescolate assieme, come le scompagnereste voi? Come le separereste, in modo da rendermi l'acqua a parte senza il vino e il vino senza l'acqua, e nella stessa quantità di prima?
Oppure: se i vostri carrettieri e navicellai, portando a casa vostra un certo numero di barili o botti o botticelle di vino di Grave, d'Orléans, di Beaune o di Mirevaux, ne avessero, strada facendo, spillato e bevuto la metà, versandovi acqua altrettanta – così come fanno i limosini a pieni zoccoli, quando trasportano i vini d'Argenton e di SaintGaultier, come fareste a ritoglierne l'acqua intieramente? Come fareste a rendere quei vini nuovamente puri? Con un imbuto d'edera, mi rispondete. E io lo so bene. Questo è scritto, ed è vero e verificato per mille esperimenti. Voi lo sapevate già. Ma quelli che non l'hanno mai saputo e mai lo videro per prova non lo crederebbero possibile. Passiamo oltre.
Se noi fossimo al tempo di Silla, di Mario, di Cesare o di altri romani imperatori, o al tempo dei nostri antichi Druidi, che facevano bruciare le salme dei loro parenti e dei loro signori, e voi voleste bere, infuse in un buon vino bianco, le ceneri delle vostre mogli o dei vostri padri, come fece Artemisia con le ceneri di Mausolo, suo marito296; o altrimenti voleste conservarle in qualche urna o reliquiario, come potreste raccoglierle e separarle dalle ceneri del rogo o fuoco funebre? Rispondete. Giuro, per santa Sorcola, che vi trovereste molto impacciati. Ebbene, vi disimpaccio io; e vi dico che se prendete di questo celestiale Pantagruelione tanto quanto basti per coprire il corpo del defunto, e questo corpo, avvolto, legato e cucito con la stessa sostanza lo gettate sopra le fiamme, per grandi e ardenti che siano, il fuoco, attraverso il Pantagruelione, brucerà e ridurrà in cenere le carni e le ossa del defunto; ma il Pantagruelione non solo non sarà consumato né arso, non solo non lascerà disperdere un atomo delle ceneri che dentro vi stanno, non solo non vi lascerà penetrare un atomo delle ceneri del rogo; ma alla fine sarà estratto dal fuoco più bello, più bianco e più pulito di prima. Per questa ragione è detto asbesto, cioè inestinguibile. Ne troverete a Carpasia, nell'isola di Cipro, e sotto il clima di Siene, a buon mercato.
O cosa grande! Cosa mirabile! Il fuoco che tutto divora, tutto devasta e consuma, questo solo risparmia: il divino, carpasico e asbestico Pantagruelione; ché anzi lo monda, lo abbellisce, lo imbianca! E se temete ch'io vi conti favole e, da Ebrei e miscredenti, ne chiedete una dimostrazione e una prova alla portata di tutti, prendete un uovo fresco e fasciatelo torno torno con questo mirifico Pantagruelione. Cosi fasciato, ponetelo dentro un braciere grande ed ardente quanto vi pare. Lasciatelo lì per tanto tempo quanto vorrete. Alla fine ne caverete un uovo cotto, duro e bruciato, senza alterazione veruna, mutazione o riscaldamento del sacro Pantagruelione. Così, con meno di cinquantamila scudi bordolesi, pari alla dodicesima parte di un quarto di un picciolo, ne avrete fatto l'esperimento.
E adesso non venitemi a dire cha anche la salamandra, eccetera eccetera. È una bubbola. Io non dico che un piccolo fuoco di paglia non la ravvivi e rallegri, ma vi assicuro che in una grande fornace, essa, come ogni altro animale, soffoca e si consuma. Ne abbiamo fatta la prova. Galeno, da gran tempo l'aveva confermato e dimostrato nel De Temperamentis, lib. III, e Dioscoride – lib. II – egualmente lo sostiene.
Né vorrete accamparmi al confronto l'allume di piuma e la torre di legno del Pireo, che Scilla non riusci mai a far bruciare perché Archelao, governatore di Atene per conto del re Mitridate, l'aveva tutta intonacata di allume297. O quell'albero che Alessandro Cornelio chiama eone e lo diceva simile alla rovere che produce il vischio e che, come il vischio di rovere, non può essere consumato o danneggiato né dall'acqua né dal fuoco; e di esso fu fatta la tanto celebrata nave Argo.
E nemmeno regge al paragone, per quanto mirifica, quella specie di albero che vedete per le montagne di Brianson e di Embrun. Le sue radici producono il buon agarico; il tronco ci dà quella resina tanto eccellente che Galeno osa equipararla alla terebentina; le sue foglie delicate trattengono il fine miele del cielo, che è la manna; e sebbene sia gommoso ed oleoso, tuttavia è incombustibile. Voi lo chiamate larix in greco e in latino; gli Alpigiani298 lo chiamano melze; gli Antenoridi299 e i Veneziani, lárese; donde prese il nome il castello di Larigno in Piemonte, che inganno Giulio Cesare al ritorno dalla Gallia300.
Giulio Cesare aveva intimato a tutti i contadini ed abitanti delle Alpi e del Piemonte di rifornire di viveri e munizioni gli accantonamenti predisposti sulla via militare per quando vi fosse passato con il suo esercito. Tutti obbedirono, tranne quelli di Larigno; i quali, fidando sulle difese naturali del luogo, si rifiutarono al tributo. Per punirli di questo rifiuto, l'imperatore marciò diritto contro il castello con tutto il suo esercito. Davanti alla porta del castello, costruita con grosse piane di larice legate l'una all'altra, alternativamente come una catasta di legna, c'era una torre così alta da poter respingere facilmente, dalle caditoie, con pietre e travi, coloro che si avvicinassero. Cesare, come seppe che quelli di dentro, per loro difesa, non avevano altro che travi e pietre e che a stento avrebbero potuto lanciarle fino alla distanza di approccio, comandò ai soldati di spargere attorno una gran quantità di fascine e di darvi fuoco; il che fu fatto immediatamente. Appiccato il fuoco alle fascine, la fiamma fu tanto grande e tanto alta che avvolse tutto il castello. Ma, cessate le fiamme e consumate le fascine, la torre era sempre là tutta intera ed intatta. Visto il risultato, Cesare comandò che si costruisse, a distanza di sicurezza, una cinta di valli e battifolli. Allora i Larignani scesero ai patti.
Dal loro racconto, Cesare apprese la mirabile natura di questo legno, il quale non fa né fuoco, né fiamma né carbone. E per questa sua qualità esso meriterebbe di essere messo alla pari con il vero Pantagruelione (tanto più che Pantagruele volle che di questo legno fossero fatti tutti gli usci, le porte, le finestre, le gronde, i grondoni e i tetti di Telème; e ne fossero rivestite le poppe, le prore, i foconi, le tolde, le corsie e le rembate dei suoi caracconi, vascelli, galere, galeoni, brigantini, fuste ed altri bastimenti del suo arsenale di Talassa), se non fosse che il larice, messo in una grande fornace al fuoco di altro legname, alla fine si sgretola e si consuma come le pietre nei forni della calce, laddove il Pantagruelione asbestico ne vien fuori rinnovato e ripulito anziché sgretolato e decomposto. Perciò
Cessate, Indî, Sabeni, Arabe genti,
di vantar vostre mirre, incensi ed ebani.
Venite ad ammirare i nostri làrici
e a coglier di nostr'erba le sementi.
Rendete grazie a Dio per un milione
se ne alligni fra voi con ricco stame,
e celebrate di Francia il reame
donde proviene il Pantagruelione.
Fine del Terzo Libro dei fatti
e detti eroici del nobile
Pantagruele
NOTE
18 Nicola de Lira, francescano italiano, chiosatore della Bibbia.
19 Iliade, I, 231.
20 Episodio narrato da Plutarco in De Iside et Osiride.
21 Il passo si trova in Le opere e i giorni e non nella Teogonia come crede erroneamente Rabelais.
22 Versione di comodo di una sentenza di Catone: «Il padre di famiglia deve badare a comprare, non a vendere» (De re rustica, II, LV, 27).
23 Egloga II.
24 Propter viam facere sacrificium: così dicevasi per significare il sacrificio che si faceva ad Ercole per propiziarselo durante il viaggio. Nel testo, «Protervie», come si trova scritto per errore di amanuensi negli antichi codici dei Saturnali di Macrobio: errore ripetuto in molte edizioni, non avvertito da Erasmo che illustrò l'adagio Proterviam fecit, e ripreso tal quale da Rabelais.
25 L'aneddoto, famosissimo nel Medioevo, è narrato da Michele Scott nel libro Mensa Filosofica. San Tommaso, invitato alla tavola del re San Luigi, esendo sovrappensiero perché tutto assorto nella composizione dell'inno sul Santo Sacramento, mangiò lui solo una lampreda destinata al re e a tutti i convitati, e alla fine, pensando all'inno che ormai aveva in mente bell'e compiuto, aveva esclamato consummatum est.
26 Nel testo, «la manche», che significa al tempo stesso manica e mancia. Ma la frase ha senso anche indipendentemente da questo bisticcio non traducibile in italiano.
27 Stando a Plutarco (Dispute conviviali, VIII, 9) Senocrate, le cui opere non ci sono pervenute «affermò che il numero delle sillabe fatte dalle lettere accoppiate insieme raggiunge la somma di cento milioni e duecentomila».
28 A proposito del servilismo dei creditori, si veda il capitolo del Berni In lode del debito.
29 La rappresentazione ebbe luogo nell'agosto del 1534, ma si ignora chi fosse a sostenere la parte di Dio.
30 Babolin si chiamava il protoabate di Saint-Maur-les-Fossés dove Rabelais fu canonico.
31 Petronio, «Cittadino di Imera... per sentenza ed opinione del quale i mondi sono centottantatre» (Plutarco, Sulla Fine degli Oracoli). Per Metrodoro invece i mondi erano infiniti.
32 V. Iliade, VIII, 19-26.
33 Secondo Plutarco il nome Camillus significava servitore degli dèi.
34 Piccola città del Poitou, dove si rappresentavano Misteri e dove spesso, in tali occasioni, accadevano disordini.
35 Misantropo.
36 Si allude al famoso apologo attribuito a Menenio Agrippa, che se ne valse in occasione della non meno famosa sedizione della plebe.
37 Linguadoca.
38 Cioè la flemma.
39 San Paolo, Epistola ai Romani.
40 Narra Filostrato nella Vita di Apollonio che, essendo scoppiata la peste nella città di Efeso, gli abitanti si rivolsero al filosofo perché vi esercitasse l'ufficio di medico. Egli li radunò attorno ad un vecchio coperto di stracci e li invitò a lapidarlo. Quelli, meravigliati, dapprima rifiutarono, poi, cedendo alle insistenze di Apollonio, lo fecero cader morto sotto un cumulo di pietre, rimosse le quali si scoprì, al posto del vecchio, un cane arrabbiato più grosso di un leone.
41 Il vescovo di Chartres, Milo d'Illiers, morto a Parigi nel 1493 «aveva in piedi un milione di processi e si dice che un bel giorno il Re glieli volesse comporre, ma il vescovo non ne volle sapere dicendo al Re che se gli avesse tolto i processi gli avrebbe tolto la vita» (des Périers, novella XXXIV). Questa battuta si ritrova in Les Plaideurs di Racine, atto I, scena VII.
42 Non si sa a chi o a cosa alluda precisamente questa battuta di Panurgo.
43 Dea della strage bellica nella mitologia greca.
44 La canzonetta allude all'usanza di ingaggiare menestrelli per allietare il lavoro dei campi, ma contiene anche una chiara allusione alle fatiche amorose.
45 La pulce nell'orecchia è il simbolo delle smanie amorose di Panurgo, che, come si vedrà, nonostante il timore di finire cornuto, è determinato a prender moglie. Una canzonetta napoletana dell'epoca (No Police, di Baldassarre Donati) diceva: «No police, / No police m'he entrato nella recchia, / Che notte e ghiuorno ma fa pazziare. / Non saccio che, / non saccio / Che me fare! / Corro in qua, corro in là, / Piglia a chesta, piglia a chella, / Damme soccorso tu! / Faccia mia bella!»
46 A quel tempo gli occhiali erano, per le persone anziane, un segno di distinzione e venivano portati anche senza bisogno.
47 Il termine bureau era in origine un diminutivo di bure (burello o bigello). Ma in seguito, poiché il burello serviva di tappeto agli scrivani negli uffici, passò a significare anche scrivania, scrittoio, ufficio.
48 Un cordigliere, celebrato predicatore sotto Luigi XI e Carlo VIII, che portava gli occhiali non per necessità ma per prosopopea.
49 La zia Lorenza è un personaggio della farsa di Pathelin.
50 Per braghetta – termine così spesso ricorrente in Rabelais – deve intendersi quella parte delle braghe che si alzava e abbassava a sportello e si abbottonava sul davanti, come si usava ancora in anni recenti (oggi non so) per le braghe dei marinai. In altri termini, quella parte dei pantaloni che protegge il ventre e le parti basse.
51 Forse perché gli speroni erano saldati alle scarpe di ferro e l'uomo d'armi doveva cominciare a vestirsi dai calzari, altrimenti, con l'armatura indosso, l'operazione sarebbe risultata assai scomoda, forse impossibile.
52 San Quinetto o Guinetto, era uno dei tanti santi di Bretagna. Un'oca selvatica, secondo la leggenda, aveva strappato un occhio alla sorella del santo e lo aveva ingoiato. Il santo allora, agguantato l'animale, l'aveva squartato, aveva recuperato l'occhio e l'aveva rimesso al suo posto. E ciò senza che l'oca ne patisse alcun danno
53 Nel testo: «Et le bon messer Priapus / Quand eut fait, ne la pria plus»: bisticcio ovviamente intraducibile.
54 Un tratto di ingegnosità e piacevolezza di questo dialogo nel testo francese (e forse ripreso da un dialogo di Erasmo – L'Eco – sta nel fatto che ogni replica comincia con una parola uguale, o somigliante nel suono) all'ultima parola della battuta precedente: un gioco a mio avviso non recuperabile totalmente nella versione italiana senza forzature più fastidiose che divertenti.
55 Per le numerose citazioni da Omero e da Virgilio presenti in questo capitolo, e nel cap. XII, mi sono permesso di espungerne gli originali in greco e latino, limitandomi a riportarne la versione italiana in luogo di quella francese e valendomi per questo delle traduzioni del Monti e del Caro: operazione forse censurabile; ma soltanto, credo (e spero), da un punto di vista minacciosamente erudito.
56 Iliade, IX, 363.
57 Iliade, VIII, 303.
58 Iliade, XVI, 849.
59 Eneide, IV, 815.
60 Eneide, IV, 808.
61 Eneide, I, 265.
62 Eneide, VI, 869.
63 Eneide, VI, 857.
64 Eneide, I, 278.
65 Pierre Lamy, frate minore, grande amico di Rabelais e come lui perseguitato dai Francescani (i farfarelli) per il suo amore dei classici latini e greci.
66 Eneide, III, 44.
67 È il Libro delle Sorti di Lorenzo Spinola da Perugia, tradotto in Francia col titolo: Le passetemps de la fortune des dez.
68 Narra Pausania (Periegesi, VII, 25) che presso la città di Bura si trovava una statua di Ercole Buraico che era consultato come oracolo gettando quattro dadi. Tutte le possibili combinazioni di punti avevano ciascuna la corrispondente interpretazione scritta sopra una tavola.
69 Cioè una specie di amuleto. Era d'uso in Francia uscire a calendimaggio con qualcosa di verde indosso: ramo, foglia o erba. Per gli inadempienti, la punizione era: un bacio se donna, un secchio d'acqua in testa se uomo.
70 È una delle 'opere' elencate nel catalogo rabelesiano della Biblioteca di San Vittore a Parigi (v. Pantagruele, Libro II, cap. VII).
71 Virgilio, Egloga IV, ultimo verso.
72 L'imprecazione è pertinente al tema. Il fiume Acheronte, figlio di Cerere, fu cacciato all'Inferno per aver dato da bere ai Giganti in guerra contro Giove.
73 Tutti gli eroi mitici menzionati in questo passo furono variamente vittime delle astute metamorfosi e della inesauribile intraprendenza amorosa di Giove.
74 Magistronostrandus era chiamato in gergo studentesco il laureando, Magistronostratus il laureato.
75 V. al Libro IV, cap. XLVIII, nota 177.
76 Eneide, III, 30.
77 Nel gioco del tric trac, si chiama Jean un colpo che vale per due, ma Jean («Gianni») significa anche cornuto contento.
78 Eneide, XI, 782.
79 Citazione burlesca, naturalmente: il Baldo dice che una sentenza emessa dall'Imperatore è legge «perché non v'ha niente di più grande dell'imperial maestà».
80 Quasi tutto il contenuto di questo capitolo – teoria, opinioni, curiosità, autorità – si trova nel commentario di G.C. Scaligero al Trattato dei Sogni di Ippocrate. Non di rado l'erudizione classica che Rabelais tanto copiosamente esibisce appare di seconda mano.
81 Simon de Neuville, erudito famoso ai suoi tempi, morto a Padova nel 1530.
82 Plinio (XX, 33) attribuiva al cavolo, in decozione, una virtù soporifera.
83 Così chiamate perché provenienti da Crostumio o Crustumenia, antica città dei Sabini.
84 Mela di gambo corto.
85 La fonte o una delle fonti di queste prescrizioni dietetiche si trova certamente in questo passo di Plutarco (Delle Dispute Conviviali, lib. VIII, cap. 10): «I sogni sono malsicuri e fallaci principalmente in quei mesi nei quali cade agli alberi la foglia... Aristotele ne attribuisce la ragione ai frutti freschi, i quali essendo ancora novelli, e in loro vigore e gonfiati, generano nel corpo nostro molte ventosità e gran travaglio. Perché non è verosimile che il vino solo bolla e si sdegni, e che l'olio levato di fresco frigga nella lucerna, facendo il calore svaporare il vento che v'è dentro... Ora, che noi abbiamo certi cibi che fanno strani sogni e torbide fantasie nel sonno, si prova con la testimonianza delle fave e del capo di pesce polpo, da cui han per precetto di astenersi quelli che intendono indovinare il futuro per via di sogni».
86 Icelone e Fobetora, a differenza di quanto sembra ritenere Rabelais, erano la stessa persona, che veniva chiamata col primo nome dagli dèi e col secondo dal volgo: era un fratello di Morfeo e poteva trasformarsi in fiera, serpente od altre cose che atterrivano i dormienti. Fantasio era un altro fratello di Morfeo che poteva facilmente trasformarsi in sasso, in acqua o in altra cosa inanimata. V. Ovidio, Metamorfosi, XI, 633 ss.
87 Ino, sorella di Semele, si assunse la cura di allevare il piccolo Dioniso e incorse per questo nello sdegno di Era che prese a perseguitarla e ne fece impazzire il marito Adamante. Ino, per sottrarsi col figlio alla furia omicida di costui, si gettò in mare da uno scoglio. L'episodio è rievocato splendidamente da Dante nel XXX canto dell'Inferno: «Atamante divenne tanto insano, / che veggendo la moglie con due figli / andar carcata da ciascuna mano, / gridò: "Tendiam le reti, sì ch'io pigli / la leonessa e' leoncini al varco"; / e poi distese i dispietati artigli, / prendendo l'un ch'avea nome Learco, / e rotollo e percosselo ad un sasso; / e quella s'annegò con l'altro carco». Ma la leggenda greca narrava che Ino venne da Poseidone trasformata in divinità marina e come tale ebbe il dono della divinazione.
88 Allusione all'episodio biblico di Giuseppe venduto dai fratelli che lo odiavano a causa di un sogno da lui fatto (Genesi, XXXVII, 18 e 19).
89 Detto proverbiale. È incerta l'identità del personaggio cui si riferisce.
90 Momo, figlio del Sonno e della Notte, s'incaricava di controllare e censurare l'operato degli dèi. Narra Luciano ch'egli trovò da ridire su di un toro fatto da Nettuno, perché costui gli aveva posto le corna sulla testa e non sotto gli occhi.
91 Atteone, andando a caccia, sorprese la dea nuda a una fonte. Essa per punirlo lo convertì in cervo facendolo sbranare dai suoi stessi cani.
92 Metafora doppia o tripla.
93 Eneide, II, 268.
94 Cioè, i doni dei nemici non sono doni. Da Sofocle, citato da Erasmo.
95 Figura proverbiale di illusionista e lestofante.
96 Lezioni si chiamavano i brevi capitoli tratti dalla sacra scrittura o dai santi padri, che si recitano nei conventi a mattutino in onore dei santi di cui ricorre la festività. Più il santo è venerato, più lezioni si recitano. Il seguito del discorso spiega tutta la metafora.
97 Canidia e Sagana sono due maghe menzionate in più luoghi da Orazio.
98 Le antiche Sibille, quali risultano menzionate dai vari autori, sono dieci: la Persica, la Libica, la Delfica, la Cumea, l'Eritrea, la Sannia, la Cumana, l'Ellespontina, la Frigia e la Tiburtina.
99 Rubriche erano dette le iniziali maiuscole dei titoli del Digesto, perché scritte in rosso.
100 Juno Moneta, Giunone l'Ammonitrice (dal verbo moneo).
101 Mastro Nostro Arduino introduce una discrepanza in questa lista di nobili filosofi. Questo teologo era noto per la sua propensione a cercare rivelazioni niente affatto mistiche presso le serve giovani anziché presso le vecchie sagge.
102 Aurinia e Velleda, due profetesse menzionate da Tacito (Germania, cap. VIII).
103 Rabelais si prendeva gioco volentieri del dottor sottile, e qui gioca sulla somiglianza fra scoteinos (oscuro), epiteto attribuito ad Eraclito da Cicerone, e scotista.
104 Nel testo: officialement. Ma Official era detto anche l'orinale. Orione nacque in fatti dalle orine congiunte delle tre divinità. Il termine ospitalmente recupera in qualche modo il doppio senso. Infatti lo strano parto fu anche un atto di gratitudine per l'ospitalità ricevuta, desiderando Enopione avere un figlio senza i fastidi del matrimonio.
105 Si allude a un episodio del canto XVIII dell'Odissea, quando Iro, istigato da Penelope, schernisce Ulisse.
106 Palintochia, dal greco, può significare sia secondo parto, sia interesse raddoppiato. I Megaresi, dopo la cacciata del tiranno Teagene, statuirono che i prestatori di denaro restituissero tutti gli interessi da loro percepiti. Questo spiegherebbe, in bocca a Panurgo, l'accostamento dei due termini (palintochia e palingenesi), trattandosi, nella fattispecie e pur sempre di una sorta di 'rinascimento', quello del denaro: idea certamente congeniale a Panurgo.
107 Parlando di Lesbia, epigr. LIX: «Nunc in quadriviis et angiportis / Glubit magnanimos Remi nepotes».
108 Termine di anatomia. Il membro virile è formato da tre corpi cavernosi, ossia pieni di piccole cavità dette caverne; i quali quando, per uno stimolo nervoso particolare, si riempiono di sangue, si dilatano e inturgidiscono provocando l'erezione.
109 La recutizione era un'operazione praticata dagli Ebrei rinnegati (marrani) per restituire la cute al suo stato originario.
110 Delle obbligazioni verbali.
111 Interpreti.
112 È l'effige del membro virile che i sacerdoti di Bacco, nelle processioni in onore del dio, portavano eretta su picche e tirsi.
113 Personaggi biblici: cospiratori, insieme a Cora, contro Mosè. Numeri, XVI, 31-33.
114 Figura di servo intrigante in una commedia di Terenzio.
115 In realtà Cicerone, nel De Divinatione, mette appunto in ridicolo certi augurî, fra i quali annovera lo starnuto.
116 Cfr. Cicerone, Della Divinazione, I, 30.
117 Ibidem, I, 23.
118 Illustre protettore di Rabelais.
119 I nomi che ricorrono in questa presentazione del poeta-profeta (Raminagrobis, che significa grosso gatto ruminante; Guore, che vuoi dire mal francese, e Basoche, che è il nome della corporazione dei curiali di Parigi) contengono di certo allusioni insolenti, delle quali però non è dato riconoscere il bersaglio: forse soltanto il piacere di mescolare lazzi popolareschi a discorsi che si pretendono seriosi.
120 Si allude qui alle ultime parole di Socrate («O Critone, noi siamo debitori di un gallo ad Asclepio: daglielo, non te ne scordare») riferite nel Fedone di Platone.
121 Le bestiacce sono ovviamente i frati dei diversi ordini e perciò diversamente vestiti.
122 Son âme. Nelle prime edizioni Rabelais aveva scritto di proposito «son ane», il suo somaro. Questa innocente freddura, assai comune a quei tempi, costituì il principale capo d'accusa che fece condannare il libro dalla Sorbona, per cui Rabelais fu costretto a mettersi in salvo in Lorena. Nella lettera dedicatoria del Libro IV, si vedrà che la colpa venne gettata sullo stampatore, e così la faccenda fu chiusa.
123 Eretico rognoso. Nel testo: heretique clavelé. Clavelé è termine veterinario e si dice, in francese, delle pecore rognose. Sembra che, a La Rochelle, venisse arso sul rogo un orologio di legno insieme all'orologiaio, un ugonotto di nome Clavel, che lo aveva inventato. Di qui l'allusione e il gioco di parole di Rabelais, non restituibili in italiano.
124 Allusione all'usanza di tingere di giallo il banco dei bancarottieri.
125 I monaci cantavano questo salmo penitenziale per accompagnare la flagellazione dei penitenti, per cui cantare addosso a qualcuno un miserere val quanto caricarlo di legnate.
126 Dal nome di fra Giovanni de' Battitori.
127 Per dileggio, invece che in artibus.
128 «Questa città di Toledo solea / tenere studio di negromanzia; / quivi di magica arte si leggea / pubblicamente e di piromanzia» (Pulci, Morgante, XXV).
129 Personaggio storico, autore di un trattato che riassumeva le dottrine di ben 224 antichi autori di magia.
130 L'aneddoto è tratto dal Brantôme (La vita degli eccellenti capitani francesi): «... Anche il detto signor Gian Giacomo, poggiando su questa credenza, quando volle morire si fece collocare accanto sul letto la spada nuda e la tenne, stretta quanto meglio poté, siccome gli altri la croce – ed a croce aveva essa l'impugnatura – affinché i diavoli, vedendogliela nelle mani, avessero paura e non si avvicinassero per prendersi e portarsi via l'anima, e questa avesse così l'agio di sfuggire e passare per la porta di dietro, e andarsene presto presto in Paradiso».
131 Per intendere il malizioso doppio senso, occorre ricordare che Luigi XI aveva soprannominato bon homme Francesco di Paola (qui menzionato come San Francesco il Giovane) e che di conseguenza anche i Minimi da lui fondati furono chiamati bons hommes. Trattandosi di espressione proverbiale d'uso corrente anche da noi, non ho creduto di doverla volgere in italiano: operazione d'altronde impossibile se non in pura perdita.
132 Vinto in duello da un cavaliere inglese e avutane fracassata una gambiera, Michele Doris giurò di conservarne un pezzo in ricordo fino a quando non si fosse presa la rivincita; ma dopo quattro anni di inutili andirivieni e discussioni non se ne fece nulla. Questa la storia raccontata da Enguerrand Montrelet con opprimente prolissità.
133 Non in Leucade, ma in Lebadia (Beozia). I postulanti erano fatti entrare nell'Antro di Trofonio e dovevano uscirne da un'altra parte. Ma non potevano più ridere. Perciò soleva dirsi, degli uomini tetri, ch'essi erano stati nell'Antro di Trofonio. (Cfr. Aristofane, Le Nuvole, v. 508; Erasmo, nell'Adagio In antro Trofoni vaticinatus est).
134 Lamia, figlia di Bela, re degli Etiopi, fu amata da Giove, ed avendole Giunone, per gelosia, tolti i figli, ne divenne pazza e rubava i figli altrui e li uccideva. Il suo nome venne dato a certe streghe che si credeva succhiassero il sangue dei bambini.
135 L'arte della divinazione basata sull'osservazione della fronte e della faccia.
136 Moneta d'oro che recava impressa l'immagine di San Michele Arcangelo.
137 Epigramma, VII, 10, Ad Olum.
138 Persona vanagloriosa nonostante la sua miseria.
139 La Lecanomanzia si praticava gettando in un catino d'acqua pietre preziose e lame d'oro o d'argento, o più economicamente, del piombo fuso.
140 Ermolao Barbaro, umanista veneziano, traduttore di Dioscoride e di Aristotele, qui menzionato per celia.
141 Divinazione mediante ceci.
142 Divinazione tratta dai buchi del formaggio.
143 Eliogabalo faceva esaminare le viscere dei fanciulli sacrificati.
144 Divinazione per mezzo di versi fatidici, tratti ordinariamente dai libri di Omero, trascritti su tavolette e gettati in un'urna.
145 Secondo l'aneddoto originale, che trovasi nella Cronaca di un monaco greco del XII secolo, l'imperatore, saputo che il nome del suo successore doveva cominciare con Teod, fece uccidere parecchi personaggi eminenti il cui nome cominciava così, senza pensare a Teodosio, che gli successe.
146 Il cappello a punta, o più esattamente conico, dei mercenari albanesi evocava un'acconciatura da mago.
147 Quei calzoni che ha smesso di portare quando ha deciso di prender moglie.
148 Probabile allusione ai grandi tesori che, secondo la leggenda, l'Anticristo dovrebbe distribuire per sedurre i credenti.
149 Non troppo ferrato in fatto di breviario, frate Giovanni mescola citazioni da passi diversi della Bibbia, combinandoli a modo suo.
150 Santo le cui reliquie erano venerate nel Basso Poitou.
151 Salomone amò, oltre la figlia di Faraone, molte donne straniere, Mohabite, Ammonite, Idumee, Sidonie, Hittite; ed ebbe settecento mogli principesse e trecento concubine (Cfr. il Libro dei Re, XI).
152 Le prodezze virili di questi personaggi erano proverbiali. Procolo si vantava di aver sverginato cento schiave in quindici giorni. Quanto a Maometto, non vi è traccia nel Corano di quel che asserisce Panurgo.
153 La parola «messer Cotal» e «primo de lo mondo» sono in italiano anche nel testo: «messer Cotal d'Albingues, estre le prime del monde». Cotale, in italiano, come chose in francese, era eufemismo corrente a indicare il membro virile. Quanto ad Albenga, o Albi, non si sa a quale storia Rabelais abbia inteso propriamente alludere.
154 Narra Valerio Massimo (Detti e fatti memorabili, lib. II, cap. 10) che trovandosi M.P. Catone ad assistere alle feste in onore di Flora, il popolo, a causa della sua presenza, si vergognava di chiedere alle donne che rappresentavano il rito di spogliarsi nude, e che Catone, avvertito di ciò, si partì dal teatro per non impedire che la festa si svolgesse secondo la consuetudine.
155 Topici sono intitolati alcuni libri di Aristotele e di Cicerone nei quali si tratta della Topica, ossia dell'arte di trovare gli argomenti, altrimenti detti luoghi topici o luoghi comuni.
156 Tlasi da tlao: l'evirazione fatta pestando i testicoli.
157 Tlipsi da tlibo: l'evirazione fatta comprimendo i testicoli in una ferula spaccata e schiacciandoli lentamente.
158 Da spado, spadonis = eunuco.
159 Estiomene, dal greco: ulcerazione cronica.
159 La favoletta che segue è narrata nelle Facezie di Poggio Bracciolini – la CXXVII – come una Visione di Francesco Filelfo. L'Ariosto la riprese nella Satira V, facendone protagonista un pittore di nome Galasso. Nella versione rabelesiana, Filelfo o Galasso cambiano nome e nazione ancora una volta. Il gran lapidario del re di Melindo, Hans Carvel, è menzionato anche alla fine del cap. VIII del Gargantua, Libro IV, cap. II.
160 In effetti, la battuta di Panurgo è ripresa dal Cortegiano di Baldassarre Castiglione, lib. II.
161 Nome coniato dal greco: Super Taddeo, come dire Superapostolo.
162 Nel testo, «Rondibilis»: personaggio da identificarsi probabilmente nel famoso medico Guillaume Rondelet, di Montpellier, lettore in quella università e buon amico di Rabelais.
163 Jean de Boyssoné, amico di Rabelais e professore all'università di Tolosa fino al 1538.
164 È il nome di una sorgente sulla strada di Ligugé a Poitiers.
165 Già menzionati nel Libro II, cap. XVI. Gli Insolubilia erano una raccolta di questioni di difficile o impossibile soluzione. Fra le altre c'era questa: il porco che è menato al mercato vien tirato dall'uomo o dalla funicella?
166 Nel testo: «sans circumbilivaginer autour du pot», che è la contaminazione maccaronica di due frasi proverbiali («circa umbilicum vagari» e «tourner autour du pot») che significano ambedue 'tergiversare', 'menare il can per l'aia' e simili.
167 Allusione a una truffa di Pathelin nella celebre farsa omonima.
168 Nei Proverbi, cap. XXXI, v. 10 ss.
169 L'ippocrasso era un vino aromatizzato con spezie varie, pregiatissimo ve n'era di bianco e di rosso. Il bianco veniva servito all'inizio del banchetto, il rosso alla fine.
170 Nel testo: «les moines beurs», cioè i monaci vestiti di bigello, che è stoffa ruvida e vile, quindi, presumibilmente, i frati conversi, la cui lussuria veniva repressa con la flagellazione, e in taluni casi anche con la castrazione.
171 «... sine Cerere et Libero friget Venus». Terenzio, L'Eunuco, IV, 6.
172 Secondo Aristotele, gli alimenti subiscono tre digestioni (o concozioni): la prima attraverso lo stomaco, la seconda attraverso il fegato, la terza all'interno dei tessuti viventi: lo sperma è una ridondanza dell'assimilazione finale degli alimenti.
173 La dottrina galenica distingueva tre specie di spiriti: gli spiriti naturali, che nascevano dal fegato e, commisti al sangue impuro, erano trasportati in tutte le parti del corpo per mezzo delle vene; gli spiriti vitali che nascevano nel ventricolo sinistro del cuore ed erano distribuiti per mezzo delle arterie; e gli spiriti animali che erano gli spiriti vitali sublimati nel cervello (cfr. cap. 4) dove davano origine ai fenomeni intellettuali e donde venivano traportati, per mezzo dei nervi, in tutte le parti del corpo per indurvi le sensazioni ed il moto.
174 Platone: Fedone, 64.
175 Cfr. Cicerone, Le Tusculane, lib. V, 39.
176 In Tracia: Lango è l'antica Cos, patria di Ippocrate; Polistillo è l'antica Abdera, patria di Democrito.
177 I medici platonizzanti designavano l'utero come un animale dotato di sensazioni e reazioni autonome.
178 Le figlie di Preto, re di Argo, che, insuperbite della loro bellezza, osarono paragonarsi a Giunone. La dea le punì ispirando loro tale una pazzia che esse, credendosi giovenche, fuggirono nelle selve.
179 Le Mimallonidi e le Tiadi erano le sacerdotesse di Bacco.
180 Secondo Galeno (Trattato della natura delle donne, cap. I) gli odori fetidi fanno fuggire l'utero in alto, gli aromatici l'attirano in basso.
181 Espressione proverbiale: Critolao, filosofo aristotelico del II secolo d.C. immaginò una bilancia per paragonare il peso dei beni spirituali e quello dei beni materiali.
182 Così si chiamava allora l'angina, che si riteneva provocata in particolare dallo squinante – il giunco odoroso di Plinio –, il quale pertanto non veniva usato nella manipolazione dell'ippocrasso.
183 Un ennesimo ritorno di Rabelais ai luoghi della sua infanzia.
184 Cioè dal 21 aprile al 20 maggio.
185 Nell'apologo di Esopo, l'escluso è il dio Dolore.
186 Nella prima edizione era menzionata l'Abbazia di Fontevrault, le cui monache, secondo la leggenda, avrebbero avuto la facoltà di confessarsi prima alla propria Badessa che poi le rinviava a un prete per la penitenza e l'assoluzione.
187 «Sterco ed orina sono i cibi preferiti del medico / Da altri prendi la paglia, da questi il grano». Panurgo fa qui un collage di due motti diversi: il primo (Stercus et urina ecc.) è un epigramma a scorno degli studenti di medicina, cui Panurgo fa seguire il secondo verso di un altro motto che paragona la scienza medica a quella del giure: Dat Galenus spes, dat Justinianus honores, ecc. E Rotondetto risponde con l'epigramma col quale gli studenti di medicina ritorcevano lo scherno: «Per noi sono sintomi, ma degni alimenti per voi». Circa l'uso degli escrementi per diagnosticare le malattie, era voce che Ippocrate ed anche Esculapio li assaggiassero, onde Aristofane gratifica Esculapio dell'epiteto di scatofago, cioè mangiamerda. Pare che l'uso durasse ancora al tempo di Rabelais, e Molière lo satireggia nel Médecin volant.
188 Digesto, libro XXV, titolo IV, De ventre inspiciendo custodiendoque partu.
189 Trascrizione della parola greca che significa semplicemente cane. Nella Bibbia non vi è cenno del nome del cane di Tobia. Rimane da spiegare il 'falso', non certamente dovuto a cattiva conoscenza dei sacri testi.
190 L'aneddoto è riferito da Plutarco negli Avvertimenti di maritaggio, XVI, e negli Apoftegmi di donne spartane, ma in tutt'altro e più delicato senso: «Un'altra, domandata se erasi accostata al marito: Non io a lui» disse «ma lui a me».
191 San Paolo, Prima epistola ai Corinzi, VII, v. 29.
192 Che non afferma e non nega.
193 In Italia, le cinture di castità si fabbricavano soprattutto a Bergamo.
194 Nel testo: «C'est bien chien chié chanté pour les discours». Dove il bisticcio fra chié e chanté ('cacato' e 'cantato') mi è parso intraducibile in italiano senza sgradevoli forzature. Né mi sembra che, anche in francese, il bisticcio (d'altronde di lezione incerta come risulta dal confronto fra le diverse edizioni) sia dei più felici.
195 Citazione errata: nel Timeo di Platone, è Socrate che dice «uno, due, tre» ecc.
196 Fauno, uno fra i più antichi e popolari dei italici, fu il dio benefico della campagna, il bonus deus, come venne chiamato. Ma fu chiamato anche Fatuo o Fatuello (dalla voce verbale fando), non già perché fosse sciocco, ma perché 'parlava', cioè vaticinava. Rabelais gioca evidentemente sull'ambiguità del termine che evoca al tempo stesso il folle e il profeta.
197 Questo Ser Gianni, che si pretende bisavolo di Quaglietta, era un buffone così famoso da divenir proverbiale. E Quaglietta un altrettanto celebre matto, che si trova menzionato anche nella Pantagruéline Prognostication.
198 Moneta di modesto valore.
199 Nel testo: marote, termine di cui non ho trovato il corrispettivo italiano. La marote, o marotte, era una specie di maschera grottesca e bifronte, con berretto versicolore, contornata di sonaglietti e posta in cima a un bastone; la quale rappresentava lo scettro dei buffoni di corte.
200 Questa storia si trova narrata, più sommariamente, nel nostro Novellino.
201 Il famoso buffone alla corte di Luigi XII e di Francesco I, già menzionato nel Libro II al cap. XXX.
202 Qui da intendersi nel senso di persona soggetta agli influssi del pianeta Giove. Lo stesso dicasi per i consimili aggettivi che seguono: lunatico, mercuriale ecc.
203 Vino che si trae dalle uve fermentate, ma non spremute.
204 Termine di diritto ecclesiastico: si diceva di certe costituzioni papali aggiunte ai corpi di diritto canonico.
205 Termine arabo che indica quel cerchio che si immagina passare per un punto della sfera celeste parallelamente all'orizzonte.
206 Qui e per quattro capitoli filati, Brigliadoca sfodera citazioni a non finire a sostegno del suo paradosso. Diritto civile, diritto canonico, massime giuridiche, sentenze morali, tutto, come si dice, fa brodo. E si tratta di citazioni quasi sempre esatte, anche se esibite a sproposito, o interpretate ad arbitrio o addirittura a rovescio. Senonché, osservava Gennaro Perfetto (Janunculus) nella citata traduzione, «questa vis comica, che poteva più o meno essere gustata dai contemporanei, non lo è più ora che, salvo non si sia romanista o canonista di mestiere, non si ha dimestichezza con le sigle e le abbreviature di quella tachigrafia forense... Ed è perciò che io ho reputato buona cosa scrivere per intero le citazioni, riscontrarle e mettere qualche nota ove occorra per farne uscir chiara la comicità ai miei non eruditi lettori».
Quanto a me, altrettanto inerudito quanto i lettori che stavano a cuore a quel mio benemerito predecessore, non mi par vero di poter mettere a frutto le sue fatiche, sia pure con qualche calcolata omissione al fine di rendere il tutto di più agevole lettura.
207 Il canone Tanta nequitia è desunto da un'epistola di papa Gregorio Magno a Gennaro vescovo. Questi, una domenica, aveva svillaneggiato e cacciato di chiesa il domestico di un signorotto col quale era in urto. Ma il papa, considerando che il vescovo era vecchio, indulse a tanta nequizia, limitandosi a rimproverarlo e a privarlo della comunione per due mesi.
208 Quasi tutte le citazioni comprese in quesa battuta attengono in qualche modo alle condizioni di salute mentale o fisica delle persone citate in giudizio per un qualche reato, o aventi diritto ad alcunché. La Qui cum uno stabilisce che «Chi nacque con un solo testicolo o lo perdette potrà... legalmente servire nell'esercito, perché i generali Silla e Cotta si dice nascessero con un tale difetto». La penultima citazione, invece, è del tutto fuori tema, e riguarda la restituzione che il marito deve fare alla moglie di tutto ciò che gli pervenne dalla manomissione della dote.
209 Brigliadoca prende qui alla lettera il termine alea che, nella specie, ha significato metaforico, e per giustificarne l'uso che ne ha fatto, tira in ballo ogni sorta di pezze d'appoggio: disposizioni in cui variamente si accenna alla sorte, all'aleatorietà, all'incertezza. Soltanto alcune delle norme da lui invocate riguardano in senso proprio l'uso del sorteggio in sede giudiziaria.
210 Quando i diritti delle parti sono oscuri, bisogna favorire il reo più che l'attore.
211 Che è effettivamente un pentametro e significa: Nelle cause oscure ci atteniamo al minimo.
212 Dove è detto che, per un senatoconsulto è proibito giocare di soldi, ma son permessi i giochi fisici e ginnici, virtutis causa, per ragioni di vigoria.
213 Frapponi qualche volta i divertimenti alle tue occupazioni.
214 Francesco Zabarella, canonista, detto il Cardinale di Firenze, o semplicemente il Cardinale.
215 La decretale dichiara colpevole chi fraudolentemente reca danno all'amico suo e si scusa dicendo che l'ha fatto per ischerzo. E l'Abate Panormitano, nella relativa glossa, fa osservare che queste sono parole di Salomone, nei Proverbi.
216 Il fardello è leggero per chi volentieri lo porta (citazione esatta).
217 Quali i medicamenti per le malattie, tali le leggi per gli affari.
218 Già la verginità, nella pienezza degli anni, era matura per il talamo.
219 È un termine giuridico trasformato in nome proprio. Broccarde erano le massime o regole generali del diritto.
220 Dove si diceva che «è meglio rimettersi al giudizio di un arbitro, cioè di un uomo dabbene» ecc.
221 Espressione familiare che indica la cerimonia del primo ritorno in chiesa della donna dopo il parto, per farsi benedire, cioè 'purificare', dal prete.
222 Citazione esatta. Il testo recita: «Un mulattiere conduceva un cavallo alla stalla: il cavallo olfecit una mula; questa lo respinse con un calcio e ruppe una gamba al mulattiere. Si domandava se potevasi agire contro il padrone della mula. Risposi che si poteva». E la glossa spiega: «olfecit, idest nasum ad culum posuit».
223 Non manige ducat, in luogo di non manducet: bisticcio che sostituisce al non mangiare il non maneggiar ducati, cioè la mancanza di denaro, che è poi la stessa cosa.
224 «Quando manca il denaro manca tutto»; «nia», tmesi, sta per pecunia.
225 «Odierò se potrò, altrimenti amerò mio malgrado». È un verso di Ovidio che ha ben poco a che fare con la glossa citata, nella quale è detto che Iddio non è tanto ingiusto da non tener conto di qualche buona opera compiuta dai peccatori fra le tante cattive.
226 Il passo citato tratta sì delle belve, ma a tutt'altro proposito. Tuttavia, la credenza che l'orsa dia forma al corpo degli orsacchiotti leccandoli – credenza che risale ad Aristotele, a Plinio e ad Ovidio – era ancora molto accreditata ai tempi di Rabelais.
227 Una sorte migliore seguirà un debole cominciamento.
228 Il canone dice: «Hai ricevuto dopo il battesimo una veste candida affinché sia tale l'anima tua». E la glossa: «Quale la veste, tali i cuori»: Qualis vestis ecc.
229 Vi è più felicità nel dare che nel ricevere. Atti degli Apostoli, XX, 35.
230 La censura del Tonante pesa l'affetto del donante. Qui Rabelais stravolge la Decretale citata, la quale dice che Dio non guarda all'offerta, ma al sentimento dell'offerente.
231 «Prendi, accetta, arraffa, sono parole che piacciono al Papa». Si tratta evidentemente di un epigramma, spacciato per glossa canonica. Lo stesso dicasi per la citazione seguente: «Roma rode le mani, quelle che non può rodere, odia; protegge chi dà, chi non dà disprezza ed odia».
232 Citazione esatta.
233 È un verso di Dionisio Catone.
234 Quei mezzi che isolati non servono, uniti sono efficaci. È un verso di Ovidio, Remedia amoris, 426.
235 «Talvolta anche il grande Omero sonnecchia»: Orazio, Arte Poetica, v. 359. Il canone citato ha a che fare sì col dormire, ma nel senso di giacere con, e, nella fattispecie, giacere con la matrigna.
236 Tutte le citazioni di questa serie fra parentesi sono inventate o fuor di proposito. La frase «pecunia est alter sanguis» somiglia a un proverbio illustrato da Erasmo e tratto da una tragedia greca.
237 Nel testo, in dialetto guascone, come segue: «Pao cap de bious, que mau de pipe bous tresbyre! ares que pergudes sont le mies bingt et quouatte beguettes, ta pla donnerien picz, trucz et patactz. Sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe iou à belz embis?»
238 Nel testo, in dialetto frisio, come segue: «Der Guascongner thut shcich usz mit eim jedem ze schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu staelen; darumb, lieben frauuen, hend serg zu inuerm hausraut».
239 Il denaro perduto è pianto con lacrime vere, Giovenale, XIII, 124 (citazione esatta).
240 Nel testo, in dialetto guascone, come segue: «Cap se sainct Arnault, quau seystu, qui me rebeillez? Que mau de taoverne te gyre! Ho sainct Siobe, cap de Guascoigne, ta pla dormie iou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estée».
241 Nel testo in dialetto guascone: «He paouret, iou te esquinerie ares que son pla reposat. Vayne un pauc qui te posar, comme iou, puesse truqueren».
242 II motto non è del d'Andrea, ma è citato da questi come argomento dei dottori per spiegare la decretale che fa obbligo al giudice di stare seduto e non già in piedi quando formula la sentenza. Ma l'argomento non persuade il d'Andrea, il quale obbietta: «Quid si in culo doleret quod sedere non posset?» (E se al giudice duole il culo ed egli non può sedere?)
243 Tale era la fama di cui godeva Triboniano ai tempi di Rabelais. In effetti, è noto che Triboniano non fu soltanto un ordinatore, ma anche un manipolatore degli antichi testi. Poiché le Pandette dovevano contenere soltanto quelle sentenze che s'intendeva mantenere in vigore, Giustiniano diede ordine di introdurvi tutte quelle modifiche, correzioni ed aggiunte che fossero reputate indispensabili, vietando ogni confronto fra gli scritti autentici e quelli riveduti. E Triboniano, un frigio, vi introdusse anche alcune disposizioni asiatiche che erano opposte a quelle dei giureconsulti romani.
244 Pare che fosse un giocattolo particolarmente gradito ai matti.
245 Specie pregiata di mele, forse chiamate così perché bianche e dure.
246 Villaggio delle Ardenne. Stando ad alcuni cronisti, Triboletto aveva questo nome per intercalare.
247 Fanatici – da fanum, tempio, luogo sacro – erano detti propriamente i sacerdoti di Cibele, i quali, per volere della dea, dovevano evirarsi in memoria del giovinetto Ati. Essi, in conformità del loro ruolo di invasati, nel vaticinare, scuotevano continuamente il capo: onde furono detti anche coribanti.
248 I sacerdoti di Cibele erano chiamati anche galli, perché (dice Plinio, v. 22) per evirarsi, come prescritto dalla dea, bevevano l'acqua del fiume Gallo in Frigia. Quest'acqua li faceva montare in estremo furore, e in tale stato essi, con un coccio, si recidevano testicoli e membro virile.
249 Lo dice Plinio (lib. XI, cap. 45); e aggiunge che presso i Romani si usava tirare le orecchie ai testimoni perché rammentassero quello che dovevano deporre.
250 Apollo tira le orecchie a Virgilio, intento a cantare vicende di guerre e di re, per rammentargli la sua vocazione di poeta agreste (Egloga VI, v. 3 e 4).
251 Pazzo sapiente.
252 Gioco di parole: Fou, che significa pazzo, è il nome di un villaggio vicino alla città di Toul (antica pronuncia: Tou).
253 Svetonio, nella Vita di Domiziano, non dice che questo imperatore mangiava le mosche, ma che si divertiva ad acchiapparle e ad infilzarle in una specie di spillo.
254 Nel testo, maljoint, mal unito (cioè la fessa), per antifrasi a beaujoin (benzoino): bisticcio osceno (che si trova tal quale al Libro I, cap. XIII del Gargantua) intraducibile letteralmente, e qui come là sostituito con bisticcio della stessa risma fra acqua nanfa e tafanario.
255 San Fiacre era un irlandese venuto in Francia verso il 600. A Brie, presso Meaux, eresse un ospedale dove guariva miracolosamente emorroidi e creste di Gallo, dette in francese fics; donde gli sarebbe venuto il nome di San Fiacre. Nella cappella di Brie c'era e forse c'è ancora una pietra sulla quale sedevano i pellegrini per guarire, e nella cattedrale di Meaux si custodiva come reliquia la sua spina dorsale. Verso il principio del 700, il padrone di un'osteria all'insegna di San Fiacre pensò per primo di impiantare un servizio di vetture da noleggio, e queste presero il nome di fiacre, che poi rimase e che fino a tempi abbastanza recenti era d'uso corrente anche in Italia.
256 Un ennesimo gioco di parole fra l'unico e lunatico.
257 Nell'antichità era un giuramento esecrando.
258 II fedele compagno di Enea celebrato da Virgilio.
259 Discepolo e fedele compagno di Apollonio di Tiana in tutte le sue peregrinazioni.
260 Un'antica leggenda narra che due mendicanti, uno cieco e l'altro zoppo, saputo dell'avvicinarsi della salma del santo guaritore, che veniva trasportata da Cande a Tours, fuggirono a gambe levate per timore di guarire e di perdere così i vantaggi dell'accattonaggio.
261 Nome trascritto dal greco: il contrario di Xenofobo.
262 Questa battuta di Carpalim è un concentrato di bisticci e doppi e tripli sensi col quale R. riesce in tre righe a tirare in ballo: i debiti (Debitis) che costituiscono uno dei capitoli fondamentali della vita di Panurgo; il Lord Deputy (Milord Debitis) governatore inglese di Calais, che è un buon compagno (good falò = good fellow) e al tempo stesso una buona torcia, ma anche un buon testa di cazzo o semplicemente cazzo (fallot, appunto); e infine i debitoribus, cioè i paternostri, che però sono anche lanterne in senso, credo, doppiamente figurato: lumi e coglioni. Benché per lanterna possa intendersi anche qualcosa che attiene molto intimamente alle donne.
263 Si tratta ovviamente di un linguaggio di pura invenzione come quelli parlati da Panurgo nell'incontro con Pantagruele (cfr. Pantagruele, Libro II, cap. IX).
264 Rabelais finge di ignorare che, per la chiesa cattolica, il matrimonio è giuridicamente fondato nella libera scelta delle persone.
265 La Francia.
266 Pastofori (dal greco) erano detti i sacerdoti egiziani che, nelle solennità, portavano attorno i simulacri degli dei, chiusi in nicchie di legno dorato (Erodoto, II, c. 63). Qui i Pastofori sono i monaci.
267 V. supra, cap. XLV, nota 249.
268 Rabelais finge di non sapere che Giacobbe disapprovò quella vendetta (Genesi, XXXIV, 30).
269 Questa esortazione di Gargantua non rimase inascoltata in Francia. Un editto di Enrico II (1560) dichiarava nulli i matrimoni contratti dai figli senza l'assenso del padre: editto riconfermato sotto la reggenza di Caterina dei Medici; e al Concilio di Trento i rappresentanti della Francia chiesero che tale provvedimento fosse sanzionato dalla Chiesa. In quella occasione, il cardinale di Lorena sostenne strenuamente questa tesi confortandola col «lume della natura e l'autorità della Sacra Scrittura» (Pallavicino; Storia del Concilio di Trento, lib. XV, n. 47) e riuscì a ottenere la formulazione di un decreto che dichiarasse nullo il matrimonio contratto dai maschi prima dei venti anni e dalle femmine prima dei diciotto, senza l'assenso dei parenti. Ma in seguito questo decreto venne modificato più volte, e il Concilio finì per limitarsi a una semplice proibizione.
270 Il Pantagruelione è la canapa, alla quale però Rabelais attribuisce cumulativamente tutte le proprietà che Plinio assegna al lino (Proemio e cap. 1, lib. XIX) e alla canapa (nelle poche righe del cap. 9).
271 Nel dare una descrizione minuziosa del Pantagruelione, Rabelais trova modo di elencare molte altre piante che hanno con quella qualche relazione. Ma le sue conoscenze di botanica che gli guadagnarono presso molti ammiratori la fama di grande naturalista sono frutto di pura erudizione. Egli non fa che ripetere Plinio, e talvolta con qualche inesattezza, dovuta forse a citazioni fatte a memoria. Ma perché tanta importanza alla canapa? I commentatori allegoristi vi hanno trovato un'allusione al fatto che fu Francesco I a mettere in uso il supplizio di sospendere alla forca, con una fune tirata da una carrucola, i protestanti e così sospesi farli bruciare alle fiamme del rogo.
272 Quanto alla parte «detta mesa» la citazione (da Plinio) è esatta. Non così per la parte «mylasea». Plinio (lib. XIX, cap. 9) parla della canapa di Milasa, città della Caria, seconda per qualità soltanto alla canapa di Alabanda, altra città della stessa regione. Qui Rabelais ha scambiato un nome di città per un termine di botanica o di merceologia.
273 Perché «sedere presso le donne gravide intrecciando le mani a mo' di pettine è malia» (Plinio, XXVIII, 6).
274 Cioè i funai.
275 «Circe, del sol la ricca figlia /... tessendo stassi / le ricche tele, con l'arguto suono / che fan le spole e i pettini e i telari» (Eneide, VII, 11-14).
276 Oggi, il Volga,
277 V. nota al titolo di questo Libro III.
278 Questa derivazione, che non trova riscontro in Plinio e che potrebbe apparire burlesca, era invece tenuta per buona dai botanici del tempo e in particolare da Leonardo Fuchs ch'era anche un dotto ellenista.
279 In greco – e anche in latino – la malva dicesi malachia da malássein, rammollire.
280 Dal greco; a privativo e lyssa (rabbia), perché si credeva dagli antichi che questa pianta guarisse la rabbia.
281 Da μύρου = unguento e βάλαυος = glande. «Hoc ex unguento constat et ex balano», dice Marziale.
282 Plinio ravvisava nella radice del nenufar un anti-afrodisiaco a effetto prolungato.
283 Gli scolari del collegio di Navarra, dove, evidentemente, la ferula era strumento educativo d'uso corrente.
284 «La pietra calamita, sfregata con l'aglio non attira più il ferro», Plutarco, Delle dispute conviviali, lib. II, questione VII.
285 È la costellazione del cane minore, e il tempo è quello della canicola. Icario aveva inventato il vino. La gente dei campi, scambiando l'ubriachezza per un segno di avvelenamento, lo uccise. Il suo cane si lasciò morire sulla sua tomba e fu trasformato in astro. Ma esistono altre e più complicate versioni di questo mito.
286 «Le foglie, la corteccia e i rami dell'olmo hanno virtù di rassodare e cicatrizzare le ferite» (Plinio, XXIV, 8, § 33). Forse è in questo passo l'origine del diploma di grande chirurgo conferito all'olmo da Rabelais.
287 Gli Isiaci erano i sacerdoti di Iside.
288 Per i Pastofori, sacerdoti egiziani, v. nota 267, Libro III, cap. XLVIII.
289 Come quasi tutto il repertorio di botanica esibito in questo encomio del Pantagruelione, anche le notizie su queste piante portatrici di fibre tessili – non tutte e non bene identificabili – e sulle relative località sono attinte da Plinio. Probabilmente si tratta dei vari nomi attribuiti alla pianta del cotone.
290 In Cicerone (Orazione contro Verre) si parla di vestes melitenses.
291 Venti utilizzati dalle vele e dalle pale dei mulini a vento.
292 Ceylon.
293 Isola del Golfo d'Arabia.
294 Una serie di costellazioni assai note, scelte accuratamente fra quelle il cui nome evoca insegne di alberghi, locande e osterie.
295 La pretesa incombustibilità del Pantagruelione esaltata da Rabelais in questo capitolo deriva da un abbaglio di Plinio, il quale scambiò per una pianta una specie di asbesto (o amianto), l'unica sostanza minerale che si potesse tessere e con la quale gli antichi formavano tele incombustibili per raccogliervi le ceneri dei cadaveri; le quali tele, per l'azione del fuoco, divenivano bianche: d'onde il nome amianto, da a privativo e
miaino che vuol dire sporcare. Pausania (I, 26, § 7) rinnovò l'errore di Plinio, scrivendo che innanzi alla statua di Minerva nel tempio di questa dea in Atene ardeva una lampada il cui lucignolo era fatto di lino carpasico, il quale ha la proprietà di non essere consumato dal fuoco. E qui Rabelais lo segue.
296 Artemisia, moglie e sorella di Mausolo, re di Caria, tanto lo amò che, morto, ne sciolse le ceneri nell'acqua (il vino bianco è un'aggiunta di Rabelais) e se le bevve. Poi innalzò al marito-fratello un sepolcro magnifico, che fu una delle sette meraviglie del mondo: donde il nome di mausolei ai monumenti funebri grandiosi; v. Aulo Gellio, X, 18.
297 Cfr. Aulo Gellio, XV, c. 1.
298 Cioè i Savoiardi.
299 Cioè i Padovani.
300 Questo racconto si trova in Vitruvio (II, 91) ed era stato riportato dall'umanista Ludovico Ricchieri, noto anche come Celio Rodigino (X, 10).
IL QUARTO LIBRO
DEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI DEL BUON PANTAGRUELE
Composto da Mastro Francesco Rabelais dottore in medicina
ANTICO PROLOGO1
Bevitori illustrissimi, e voi tutti, gottosi preziosissimi, statemi a sentire: ho visto, ricevuto, udito e ascoltato l'ambasciatore che la Signoria delle vostre Signorie si è compiaciuta di inviare alla mia Paternità2, e mi è sembrato davvero un eccellente e fecondo oratore. Il sommario del suo discorso sta tutto in tre parole, le quali sono di sì grande importanza che a Roma, un tempo, il Pretore rispondeva con esse sole ad ogni e qualsiasi istanza esposta in giudizio: voi date, voi dite, voi aggiudicate3. Con queste tre parole egli risolveva ogni controversia, querela, processo o questione; e i giorni in cui non le usava eran detti tristi e nefasti; fasti e felici per contro quelli in cui le usava.
Oh, gente dabbene, dove siete che non riesco a vedervi? Che la degna virtù di Dio vi sia mai sempre d'aiuto, non meno che a me. E che nulla si faccia d'ora innanzi senza che prima sia lodato il suo santissimo nome.
Voi mi date. Che cosa? Un grande e bellissimo breviario4. Quanto è vero Dio, ve ne ringrazio: sarà il meno del mio più che vi devo. Che genere di breviario fosse certo non lo immaginavo vedendone i listelli, la rosa, i fermagli, la rilegatura, la copertina, della quale non ho mancato di considerare i begli arabeschi, e le gazze dipintevi sopra e disposte in bell'ordine. Coi quali artifizi (come fossero lettere geroglifiche) voi dite apertamente che non c'è opera se non di maestro e non coraggio che di crocchia-gazze. Crocchiar la gazza è un modo di dire che significa una certa festosità, e ciò per metafora tratta dal prodigio che avvenne in Bretagna poco prima della famosa battaglia nei pressi di Saint-Aubin du Cormier5. A noi l'hanno raccontato i nostri padri ed è giusto che non l'ignorino i nostri discendenti. Fu l'annata della buona vendemmia, quando per una stringa vecchia vi servivano un quartino del migliore. Dalle contrade di Levante venne un gran volo di grole da una parte e un gran branco di gazze dall'altra, e tutte tiravano a Ponente, fiancheggiandosi in tal modo che verso sera le grole si appollaiavano a sinistra (cioè dalla parte del buonaugurio) e le gazze a destra, a stormi ben serrati. Per tutte le regioni ove passavano non c'era gazza che non s'imbrancasse con le gazze, né grola che non andasse a congiungersi allo stuolo groliero.
Tanto andarono e tanto volarono che passarono su Angers, città della Francia limitrofa alla Bretagna, ed erano ormai così numerose che il loro stormo, come una grande nuvola, toglieva la luce del sole alle terre sottostanti.
Viveva allora in Angers un vecchio zio, signore di San Giorgio, chiamato Frapin6: quello che ha inventato e composto le belle e gioiose canzoni di Natale nella lingua del Poitou. Egli aveva una grola e la teneva cara per la gran parlantina con la quale essa invitava a bere chiunque capitasse: mai non cantava che di bere; ed egli la chiamava la sua Gorgozzona. La grola, con furia marziale, ruppe la gabbia e raggiunse le grole di passaggio.
Un barbiere vicino, chiamato Ciarlone, aveva invece una gazza addomesticata assai spiritosa, la quale andò ad aggregarsi allo stormo delle gazze e le seguì al combattimento. Ed ecco qua l'evento straordinario e paradossale, ma vero tuttavia, visto e verificato. Notate bene ogni cosa.
Che cosa accadde, dunque, buona gente? Come andò a finire? Caso meraviglioso! Presso la croce di Malchara, fu la mischia così furiosa che mette orrore solo a pensarci. La conclusione fu che le gazze perdettero la battaglia e ne rimasero uccise sul campo ben 2 589 362 109, senza contare le donne e i bambini, cioè, voi lo capite, le gazze femmine e le gazzuole. Le grole ebbero la meglio, ma lasciarono sul terreno un buon numero dei loro bravi soldati; e fu gran danno per tutto il paese. I Bretoni, voi lo sapete, sono gentiluomini. Ma, se avessero inteso quel prodigio, avrebbero capito facilmente che la peggio sarebbe toccata a loro. Perché le code delle gazze hanno la stessa forma dei loro araldici ermellini, e le grole, nel loro piumaggio, ritraggono in qualche modo lo stemma di Francia.
A proposito, la Gorgozzona ritornò dopo tre giorni, tutta spennacchiata, disgustata di tutte queste guerre e con un occhio pesto. Tuttavia, non appena consumato un pasto come si deve, riacquistò il suo umor faceto di sempre. Il popolo ficcanaso e gli studenti di Angers accorrevano in folla a vedere Gorgozzona la guercia così malconcia. Gorgozzona, come al solito invitava tutti a bere, con questa novità, che alle parole d'uso faceva seguire ogni volta il grido «Crocchia la gazza!». Io suppongo che questa fosse la parola d'ordine il giorno della battaglia e che tutti doverosamente la osservassero. La gazza di Ciarlone non tornò affatto: era stata crocchiata. Nacque così e rimase il detto proverbiale «crocchiar la gazza» che sta per «bere molto e a garganella». A perenne memoria, zio Frapin volle raffigurati questi eventi nel suo tinello, e voi potete ancora vederlo a pie' del colle di San Lorenzo.
Il soggetto dipinto sul vostro breviario mi fece pensare che sotto ci fosse qualcosa di più e di meglio di quel che appariva. E infatti a che pro fare omaggio a me di un breviario? Di breviari, grazie a Dio ed a voi, ne ho fin che voglio e di vecchi e di nuovi. Aprendo dunque il volume con questo pensiero, mi accorsi che si trattava di un breviario di mirifica invenzione e fattura, con i filetti incisi di istruzioni opportune e pertinenti.
Voi dunque volete che a prima io beva vino bianco; a terza, a sesta e a nona, lo stesso; e chiaretto a vespero e a compieta. E questo voi chiamate crocchiar la gazza. Certo è che non foste covati da una gazza maligna. Darò disposizioni.
Voi dite. Che cosa? Che non vi ho annoiati per nulla con tutti i miei libri stampati fin'ora. E ancor meno vi annoierò se vi cito, a questo proposito, la sentenza di un vecchio pantagruelista;
il quale anticamente disse che
piccolo vanto e volgare non è
aver saputo compiacere un re.7
Inoltre voi dite che il vino del terzo libro l'avete trovato di vostro gusto e che è buono. Vero è che ce n'era poco; e a voi non va a genio ciò che si dice comunemente: «Poco ma buono». Invece siete d'accordo con Evispan de Verron che diceva: «Buono ma molto». Per di più mi invitate a continuare la Historia Pantagruelina, adducendo i grandi vantaggi che han tratto da quella lettura tutte le persone dabbene, e scusandovi di non aver ottemperato alla mia preghiera di non cominciare a ridere fino al settantottesimo libro. Ve ne assolvo di gran cuore. Non sono così feroce e implacabile come potreste pensare. Ma io non lo dicevo per il vostro male. E vi rispondo con la sentenza che Nevio attribuisce ad Ettore: Gran bella cosa essere lodati da gente lodevole!8 E a ricambiare la vostra dichiarazione dico e sostengo, fino alla prova del rogo esclusivamente (voi mi capite, e pour cause), che anche voi siete della gran brava gente, tutti figli di ottimi padri e di ottime madri; e vi prometto, parola di pedone, che se mai dovessi incontrarvi in Mesopotamia, mi darò un tal da fare col piccolo conte Giorgio del Basso Egitto che, per male che vada, egli dovrà donare a ciascuno di voi un bel coccodrillo del Nilo e un coccomarro dell'Eufrate.
Voi aggiudicate. Che cosa e a chi? Tutti i vecchi quarti di luna agli ipocriti, ovverossia vecchie bertucce, lumaconi, pinzocheri, scarafaggi, zoccolanti, gattemorte, reliquianti, questuanti, gabbadio, mangia-moccoli, pappalardi, collitorti, graffiasanti: tutti nomi terrificanti al solo udirne il suono; e ho visto che, mentre li leggevo, al vostro nobile ambasciatore gli si drizzavano i capelli in testa. Io non ci ho capito niente, peggio che ostrogoto, e non so proprio che razza di bestie intendiate con queste denominazioni. Avendo fatto diligente ricerca per varie contrade, non ho trovato nato di donna che le riconoscesse e tollerasse di essere definito o denominato così. Suppongo che si tratti di qualche specie di animali barbarici dei tempi andati, ormai estinta in natura. E come di tutte le cose sublunari che hanno un loro tempo e una loro fine, noi non ne conosciamo la definizione; giacché, come sapete, perita che sia una cosa, perisce facilmente anche il suo nome.
Se con quei termini orrendi voi intendete i calunniatori dei miei scritti, potreste con maggior proprietà chiamarli diavoli, poiché presso i Greci la calunnia era detta diabolé. Voi vedete quanto sia detestabile davanti a Dio ed agli angeli questo vizio chiamato calunnia (che è di chi denigra le opere meritorie e maledice le cose buone) se da questo soltanto e non da altri (benché altri ve ne siano che parrebbero anche più gravi) son denominati e blasonati i diavoli d'inferno. Essi non sono, propriamente parlando, diavoli d'inferno. Essi ne sono i procuratori e ministri. Io li chiamo diavoli bianco-neri, diavoli privati, diavoli domestici. E quello che hanno fatto dei miei libri, lo faranno, a dargli corda, con tutti gli altri. Ma non è di loro iniziativa; e lo dico perché d'ora in avanti non sia concesso loro di glorificarsi con l'appellativo di Censore, come Catone il Vecchio.
Vi è stato mai detto che cosa significa sputare nel piatto?9 Un tempo, i predecessori di questi diavoli privati, architetti del vizio, eversori dell'onestà, com'erano un Filosseno, uno Gnatone, e altri della stessa farina, quando nelle taverne e osterie, dov'eran soliti tenere scuola, vedevano apprestare pei clienti qualche buona vivanda, qualche ghiotto boccone, sputavano villanamente nei piatti, cosicché i clienti, aborrendo i loro infami moccichi e scaracchi, desistessero dal mangiare le vivande servite e tutto rimanesse a loro10. Una storia del genere, benché non altrettanto abominevole, ci è stata raccontata a proposito del medico d'acqua dolce, nipote dell'avvocato del fu Amaro, il quale diceva che l'ala del pollo era cattiva, il boccone del prete pernicioso, il collo abbastanza buono purché ne fosse tolta la pelle; così che i malati non ne mangiassero, e il tutto fosse riservato alla sua tavola.
Così hanno fatto questi novelli diavoli intonacati con i miei scritti. Visto che tanta gente, grazie ai miei vecchi libri, moriva dalla voglia di vederne e di leggerne di nuovi, hanno sputato nel piatto, cioè a dire li hanno smerdati, denigrati e calunniati, con le loro manipolazioni, e con questa intenzione: che a nessuno fosse dato di averli, a nessuno di leggerli, eccetto, s'intende, le loro venerabili Poltronità; e l'ho visto con i miei occhi, non con le orecchie; al punto, dico, che li nascondono religiosamente nei loro camicioni da notte, e ne usano come breviari per le loro pratiche quotidiane. Così hanno sottratti ai malati, ai gottosi, agli infortunati, per i quali li avevo composti a sollievo dei loro malanni. Ché se mi fosse dato personalmente prendere in cura tutti quelli che cadono in disgrazia e malattia, non vi sarebbe bisogno di dare quei libri alla luce e alle stampe.
A questo proposito Ippocrate ha scritto espressamente un libro che ha intitolato Dell'uffizio del perfetto medico (e Galeno poi lo illustrò di dotte chiose) nel quale prescrive nulla doverci essere nel medico (e si attarda in particolari persino sulle unghie) che possa dispiacere al paziente: tutto ciò che fa parte del medico, gesti, viso, vestiti, parole, sguardi, palpazioni, tutto deve piacere al malato e rallegrarlo.
Così per parte mia, e con tutta semplicità, io procuro e mi sforzo di fare con quelli che prendo in cura; così fanno i miei compagni da parte loro; e questa è forse la ragione per cui siam detti Parabolani di braccio lungo e di manica larga, secondo l'opinione follemente interpretata quanto scioccamente inventata, di due schifosi mangiamerda.
C'è di più: se noi ci affanniamo tanto a discutere e ci rompiamo la testa su di un passo del sesto libro sulle Epidemie del detto padre Ippocrate, non è per decidere se l'aspetto del medico, quando sia triste, severo, arcigno, sgradevole, scontento, contristi il malato, e lo rallegri invece quand'è gioioso, sereno, gradevole, ridente e aperto (cose del tutto certe e dimostrate); bensì per stabilire se sia il malato che in sé si rallegra o si rattrista nel percepire e contemplare l'aspetto del medico, o se invece sia il medico che infonde nel malato i suoi spiriti sereni o tenebrosi, gioiosi o tristi, com'è opinione dei Platonici e degli Averroisti. E poiché non è possibile che io sia chiamato al capezzale di tutti i malati e che li prenda in cura tutti, che perfidia è mai questa di sottrarre a coloro che languono in un letto la consolazione ed il lieto passatempo che ne viene, senza offesa di Dio né del re né di altri, dall'ascoltare, me assente, la lettura di questi libri gioiosi?
Ma adesso che, per vostro decreto e vostra assegnazione, questi maldicenti e calunniatori son resi alla mercé dei vecchi quarti di luna, io li perdono. Ormai non ci sarà più tanto da ridere per tutti, quando si vedranno questi matti lunatici, chi lebbroso, chi sodomita, chi lebbroso e sodomita insieme, rompere per le terre all'impazzata, disfare a calci l'ammattonato, dar la testa nei muri, precipitarsi e correre a briglia sciolta a tutti i diavoli, secondo l'energia, facoltà e virtù dei quarti di luna che avranno nella zucca: primo quarto, luna nuova, luna piena, ultimo quarto e luna persa; e a petto delle loro imposture e malignità, mi accontenterò di avanzare una proposta: la stessa che avanzò Timone il misantropo ai suoi ingrati Ateniesi.
Timone, sdegnato per l'ingratitudine del popolo ateniese nei suoi confronti, un giorno entrò là dove era riunito il Consiglio della città chiedendo che gli fosse data udienza per un certo affare concernente il pubblico bene. Alla sua richiesta tutti si tacquero, giacché se Timone si era presentato al consiglio (lui che da tanti mai anni viveva intanato nel suo ritiro rifuggendo da ogni e qualsiasi compagnia) doveva trattarsi certamente di un affare importante. E Timone parlò, e disse:
«Appena fuori dal mio solitario giardino, proprio sotto il muro, c'è un grande, bello ed insigne albero di fico, al quale voialtri, miei signori Ateniesi disperati, uomini, donne, giovinotti e pulzelle, avete preso l'abitudine di recarvi per potervi impiccare e strangolare in luogo appartato. Vengo a farvi avvisati che, per sistemare la mia casa, ho deciso di abbattere quel fico entro otto giorni; pertanto chiunque di voi e di tutta la città debba impiccarsi non stia a pensarci su: spirato il termine che ho detto, non troveranno più né luogo tanto adatto né albero così comodo».
Sull'esempio di Timone, io ingiungo a questi calunniatori diabolici di andarsi ad impiccare entro e non oltre l'ultimo cantuccio dalla presente luna. Fornirò loro il capestro. L'albero che ho assegnato loro per la bisogna si trova fra mezzogiorno e Faverol11. Con la nuova luna essi non saranno accolti così a buon mercato e saranno costretti a comprarsi la corda a loro spese e a cercare un albero per impiccarsi; come fece la cortigiana Leonzio calunniatrice del tanto dotto ed eloquente Teofrasto12.
1 Così chiamato perché preposto a una edizione parziale del 1548 e poi sostituito nella edizione definitiva con altro prologo che il lettore troverà più avanti, dopo la dedicatoria al cardinale di Chastillon.
2 Titolo che si conviene al «Calogero delle isole Hyères» (v. il frontespizio del Libro III).
3 Le tre parole sacramentali erano, in verità, «do, dico, addico».
4 Una di quelle fiaschette in forma di breviario, come piacevano a frate Giovanni (v. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XLI).
5 Fra l'esercito di Carlo VIII e i soldati del duca Francesco II di Bretagna e di Luigi d'Orléans (1488).
6 Lo zio materno di Rabelais, la cui madre si chiamava Frapin.
7 Principibus placuisse viris non ultima laus est. Orazio, Epist. 1, XVII, 35.
8 Frammento di un'opera di Nevio: citato da Cicerone.
9 Cracher au bassin (sputare nel piatto) significa metaforicamente, far dono di denaro. Ma Rabelais prende l'espressione alla lettera.
10 L'esempio è ripreso da un trattato di Plutarco (Se è vero che bisogna vivere nascosti, 1128 a)
11 Facezia popolare che consiste nell'equiparare un'indicazione di tempo con una indicazione di luogo (cfr. Libro V, cap. XXV).
12 Cfr. Plinio, Hist. nat., prefazione.
ALL'ILLUSTRISSIMO PRINCIPE E REVERENDISSIMO MONSIGNOR ODET, CARDINALE DI CHASTILLON1
Voi ben sapete, illustrissimo Principe, da quali grandi personaggi io sia stato e sia sollecitato ogni giorno, richiesto e importunato, per la continuazione delle mitiche gesta del buon Pantagruele. Essi mi assicurano che molte persone cagionevoli, o ammalate o altrimenti tediate ed afflitte, ingannando bellamente il tempo con quella lettura, hanno fugato i loro malanni, ritrovato l'antico umore, ricevuto nuova consolazione. Al che son solito rispondere che, avendo io composto quelle favole per divertimento, non ne pretendo lode né gloria alcuna; e che mio unico fine, scrivendole, era di dare, nel mio piccolo, tutto il sollievo possibile agli afflitti e ammalati lontani che mai non vedrò, così come faccio di buon grado, quando ce n'è bisogno, con quelli vicini che ricorrono alla mia arte e ai miei servigi.
Talvolta anche mi attardo a ripetere con lunghi discorsi come Ippocrate, descrivendo in più luoghi e massimamente nel libro sesto delle Epidemie, l'istituzione del medico della sua scuola, ne stabiliva minuziosamente l'aspetto e il contegno: gesti, sguardo, tratto, grazia, proprietà, pulizia del volto, abiti, barba, capelli, mani, bocca, fino alla punta delle unghie, come se dovesse recitare la parte di innamorato o vagheggino in qualche insigne commedia o scendere in campo chiuso per combattere un qualche temibile nemico. Lo stesso fecero, dopo di lui, Sorano di Efeso, Oribasio, Claudio Galeno, Hali Abbas e altri autori. Infatti, e molto giustamente, la pratica della medicina è paragonata da Ippocrate a una tenzone o recita a tre personaggi: il malato, il medico, la malattia.
Mi è accaduto, leggendo quel trattato, di ricordarmi di una risposta di Giulia a Ottaviano Augusto suo padre. Un giorno essa si era presentata a lui in abiti pomposi, licenziosi e lascivi, ed egli se ne era dispiaciuto grandemente pur non facendone parola. L'indomani cambiò abbigliamento e gli si presentò vestita con modestia com'era allora costume delle caste matrone di Roma. Lui che il giorno avanti non aveva manifestato con parole il suo rincrescimento nel vederle indosso quelle vesti impudiche, non seppe nascondere il piacere di trovarla così cambiata e le disse: «O quanto è più conveniente e lodevole quest'abito per la figlia di Augusto». Ma essa aveva già pronta la sua scusa e rispose: «Oggi mi son vestita per gli occhi di mio padre, ieri mi ero vestita per il piacere di mio marito».
Similmente il medico, così trasfigurato negli abiti e nel volto (massime quando indossa la bella e ricca toga a quattro maniche2, che un tempo era di rigore, come dice Pietro Alessandrino nel commento al sesto libro delle Epidemie) a chi trovasse strana la sua prosopopea, potrebbe rispondere con queste parole: «Io mi sono acconciato così non per spocchia o per pompa, bensì per riuscire gradito al mio paziente e non offenderlo né irritarlo in nulla».
Dirò di più. Vi è un passo nel citato libro del venerabile Ippocrate sul quale ci affanniamo e ci rompiamo la testa a discutere e a ricercare non già se l'aspetto del medico, quando sia triste, tetro, brusco, censorio, sgradevole, scontento, severo, arcigno, contristi il malato, e invece lo rallegri quand'è gioioso, sereno, cattivante, aperto e piacevole (cose del tutto certe e dimostrate); bensì per sapere se sia il malato che in sé si rallegra e si rattrista nel percepire e contemplare l'aspetto del medico, da esso congetturando l'esito finale della malattia (lieto e desiderato dall'aspetto lieto, triste e deprecato dall'aspetto triste); o se invece sia il medico che infonde nel malato i suoi spiriti – sereni o tenebrosi, lievi come l'aria del cielo o grevi come le pietre della terra, gioiosi o malinconici – com'è opinione di Platone e di Averroè.
Gli autori che ho detto hanno dato ai medici avvertimenti particolari su ogni cosa: parole, ragionamenti, confidenze e discorsi ch'essi debbono tenere coi pazienti quando siano chiamati. E tutto deve mirare a uno scopo, tendere ad un fine; rallegrare il malato senza offesa di Dio, non contristarlo in alcun modo. Ond'è grandemente biasimato da Erofilo il medico Calianace, il quale a un paziente che lo interrogava e gli chiedeva se gli sarebbe toccato di morire, rispose impudentemente:
Anche Patroclo a morte soccombé
ch'era ben valentuomo più di te.3
E a un altro che pathelinescamente lo interrogava sulla gravità della sua malattia, dicendo:
E la mia orina
vi dice forse che dovrò morire?
lui stoltamente rispose: «Direi di no, se tu fossi figlio di Latona e fossi bello come Febo e Diana». Anche Quinto, il precettore in medicina di Claudio Galeno, si ebbe dal suo discepolo (commento al sesto libro delle Epidemie) eterno vituperio per le stesse ragioni. Perché a un certo malato di Roma, uomo onorevole, che gli diceva: «Voi avete fatto colazione, maestro: il vostro fiato sente di vino», lui con arroganza rispose: «E il tuo sente di febbre. Cos'è meglio? Il vino o la febbre?».
Ma la calunnia di certi cannibali e misantropi arcigni contro di me fu così ingiusta ed atroce da vincere ogni mia sopportazione, e io avevo deciso di non scrivere più un iota. Dicevano – ed era la più innocua delle loro accuse – che i miei libri erano farciti di parecchie eresie, senza peraltro riuscire a indicarne una sola da qualche parte. Allegre panzane, senz'ombra di offesa a Dio e al mio re, quante ne volete: è il soggetto stesso, il tema unico di quei libri; ma di eresie nemmeno l'odore; se non interpretando perversamente e contro ogni uso di ragione e di linguaggio comune le mie parole, facendomi dire ciò che, a costo di morire mille volte se fosse possibile tanto, non vorrei mai aver pensato: come chi per pane intendesse pietra, uova per scorpioni, fischi per fiaschi, Priàpi per lampioni. Per cui, dolendomi talvolta con voi, vi ho detto francamente che se io non mi stimassi miglior cristiano di quanto essi non mi dipingano nella loro faziosità; se nella mia vita, nei miei scritti, nelle mie parole e persino nei miei pensieri, io ravvisassi una sola scintilla d'eresia, allora essi non avrebbero avuto bisogno di invischiarsi così ignominiosamente nella pania dello spirito calunniatore (cioè di quel diabolos che si serve del loro ministero per addossarmi un tal crimine) perché io, sull'esempio della Fenice, provvederei a raccogliere legna secca con le mie mani e ad innalzare da me stesso il rogo per esservi incenerito.
Allora voi mi diceste che di quelle calunnie era stato avvertito il defunto re Francesco d'eterna memoria, il quale avendo udito ed ascoltato attentamente, dalla limpida voce e pronunzia del più dotto e fedele anagnoste4 del reame una chiara lettura di quei libri (dico di quelli miei, perché altri me ne sono stati perfidamente attribuiti, falsi ed infami) non vi aveva riscontrato alcun passo sospetto e non aveva nascosto la sua inorridita riprovazione per quei mangiatori di serpenti che fondavano l'accusa di mortale eresia su di una N impressa in luogo di una M per errore e negligenza degli stampatori5.
E non minore indignazione manifestò il figlio suo, il nostro tanto buono, tanto virtuoso e benedetto dai cieli re Enrico (che Dio ce lo conservi a lungo) il quale vi concesse per me il privilegio e particolare protezione contro i calunniatori.
Questa Buona Novella, nella vostra benignità, me l'avete poi riconfermata a Parigi, e ancor più di recente allorché rendeste visita a monsignore il cardinale du Bellay, che per ristabilirsi, dopo le pene di una lunga malattia, si era ritirato a Saint-Maur, o meglio e più propriamente in un paradiso di salubrità, amenità e serenità, in un luogo di delizie e di ogni onesto piacere che si dia nelle opere e nella vita dei campi.
È questa la ragione, monsignore, per la quale, al presente e a dispetto di ogni intimidazione, io affido la mia penna al vento, nella certezza fiduciosa che voi, con il vostro dolce favore, con la vostra sapienza e prudenza, sarete per me un secondo Ercole Gallico contro i miei detrattori: un vero Alexicacos6 per virtù, potere e autorità del quale io possa dire in tutta verità ciò che il saggio re Salomone (Ecclesiaste, 45) diceva del grande profeta e condottiero d'Israele Mosè: «Uomo che teme e ama Dio, bene accetto a tutti gli umani, beneamato da Dio e dagli uomini, del quale felice è la memoria. Dio gli ha assegnato la palma dei prodi, lo ha fatto grande per confusione dei nemici. In suo favore ha compiuto cose prodigiose e spaventevoli, lo ha onorato al cospetto dei re. Per bocca di lui ha rivelato al popolo la sua volontà e per suo tramite gli ha mostrato la luce. Egli lo ha consacrato fra tutti gli uomini per fede e bontà; e ha voluto che per mezzo di lui fosse udita la sua voce e annunciata a chi era nelle tenebre la sua legge vivificante».
E vi prometto che tutti quelli che incontrandomi si congratuleranno con me per queste allegre favole io li scongiurerò di rivolgere a voi la loro gratitudine, di ringraziare unicamente voi e di pregare il Signore per la vostra conservazione e l'accrescimento della vostra grandezza; nulla ascrivendo a mio merito se non la mia sottomissione e la mia volonterosa obbedienza ai vostri saggi comandamenti. Perché voi, con il vostro così lusinghiero incoraggiamento, mi avete ridato ardire e fantasia, mentre senza di voi mi era mancato il cuore e languiva inaridita la sorgente dei miei spiriti animali. Nostro Signore vi mantenga nella sua santa grazia. Da Parigi, questo 28 di gennaio 1552.
Il vostro umilissimo e obbedientissimo servo,
FRANCESCO RABELAIS, medico.
1 Il cardinale Odet de Chastillon, della famiglia dei Coligny, il cui fratello Gaspare, ammiraglio di Francia e capo degli Ugonotti, morì la notte di San Bartolomeo, è uno dei prelati più tipici della pittoresca gerarchia ecclesiastica del XVI secolo. Vescovo di Beauvais nel momento in cui Rabelais gli dedicava la sua opera, divenne calvinista, si sposò e dovette riparare in Inghilterra dove morì avvelenato.
2 Era convenuto che le maniche dell'abito rituale dei medici avessero una sorta di ripiegatura che le faceva apparire doppie.
3 Parafrasi di un verso dell'Iliade, XXI, 107.
4 Anagnoste, cioè lettore, si chiamava anche colui (cfr. LibroI, cap. XXIII) che teneva lettura a Gargantua durante i suoi studi. L'anagnoste di Francesco I era il Vescovo di Orléans, Pierre du Châtel, che, essendo egli incline a idee protestanti, contribuì certamente al giudizio favorevole del re.
5 N invece di M, cioè, âne invece di âme. Questo il bisticcio, probabilmente non involontario, cui si accenna; v. Libro I, cap. XXII, nota 122.
6 Soprannome greco di Ercole: «che protegge dalle sciagure».
PROLOGO DELL'AUTORE
Signor Francesco Rabelais
Per il Quarto Libro dei fatti e detti eroici
di
Pantagruele
AI LETTORI BENEVOLI
Che Dio vi salvi e vi conservi! Ma dove siete, brava gente, che non riesco a vedervi? Aspettate che mi calzo gli occhiali. Bene! Chi non c'è lo dica: adesso vi vedo. Allora? Avete avuto una buona svinatura a quanto mi dicono. Io non me ne cruccerei nemmeno un po'. Avete trovato un rimedio inesauribile contro tutte le siccità. È un'opera meritoria. E voi, le vostre mogli, i vostri figli, la parentela, siete tutti in buona salute? Questo è bene, questo è buono, questo mi piace. Dio, il buon Dio ne sia lodato in eterno e vi conservi lungamente così, se questa è la sua santa volontà.
Quanto a me, grazie alla sua benevolenza, non mi lamento e a lui mi raccomando. E per adesso, con un po' di Pantagruelismo (che è, voi lo sapete, una certa gaiezza di spirito fondata sul disprezzo dei capricci della fortuna) mi trovo sano e svelto, pronto a bere con voi, se lo volete. E se voi, brava gente, mi chiedete perché, la risposta irrefragabile è questa: perché tale è il volere del buonissimo e grandissimo Iddio, nel quale ho pace, al quale mi sottometto, del quale venero la sacrosanta parola portatrice della buona novella, cioè a dire il Vangelo, là dove è detto con atroce sarcasmo e sanguinosa derisione, al medico negligente della propria salute: «Medico, cura te stesso» (Luca, 4, 23).
Claudio Galeno si manteneva in buona salute non per una simile devozione (benché avesse qualche sentore delle sacre scritture e avesse conosciuto e frequentato i santi cristiani del suo tempo, come risulta dai suoi scritti De usu partium, lib. II; De differentiis pulsuum, lib II, cap. 3; ibidem, lib. III, cap. 2; e anche dal libro De rerum affectibus, se è suo); ma per timore di esporsi allo scorno del lazzo volgare:
Ιατρὸς ἄλλων, αὺτὸς ἓλκεσι βρύων
Medico altrui,
pieno di scabbia lui.
Di modo che magnifica se stesso con grande spavalderia e non vuol essere stimato medico se dai ventotto anni fino all'estrema vecchiezza egli non abbia goduto piena salute, salvo qualche febbre leggera ed effimera, con tutto che non fosse di sua natura dei più sani e soffrisse di evidente discrasia di stomaco. «Perché» dice egli stesso nel quinto libro del De Sanitate tuenda «difficilmente si crederà possa aver cura della salute altrui il medico negligente della propria».
Ancor più orgogliosamente Asclepiade si gloriava di aver stretto con la Fortuna questo patto: di non esser tenuto per medico se mai si fosse ammalato da quando aveva cominciato a praticarne l'arte fino alla più tarda vecchiezza; alla quale pervenne sano e vigoroso dalla testa ai piedi e vincitore della Fortuna. Finalmente, e non per malattia che lo cogliesse prima, passò da vita a morte cadendo per inavvertenza dall'alto di una scala mal connessa e fradicia.
Se per un qualche sciagurato accidente la Salute delle vostre signorie se la fosse filata dove che sia, di sopra, di sotto, davanti, didietro, a destra, a sinistra, di dentro, di fuori, lontano o vicino al vostro territorio, la possiate voi rintracciare senza indugio, con l'aiuto del benedetto nostro Salvatore. E non appena l'abbiate felicemente ritrovata, sia da voi sull'istante reclamata, rivendicata, recuperata e posseduta. Le leggi lo permettono, il re lo consente, io ve lo consiglio. Così le antiche leggi, le quali autorizzavano il signore a reclamare lo schiavo fuggitivo ovunque si trovasse. Bon Dio e boni Homini! Non era forse scritto e praticato nelle costumanze di questo così nobile, così antico, così bello, così florido, così ricco reame di Francia che il morto afferra il vivo?7 Vedete ciò che ne ha detto di recente il buono, il dotto, il saggio, il tanto umano e amabile ed equo Andrea Tiraqueau8, consigliere del grande, vittorioso e celebrato re Enrico, secondo del nome, alla sua temutissima corte del Parlamento di Parigi. La salute è la nostra vita, come spiega benissimo Arifrone Sicionio. Senza salute la vita non è vita, né la vita è vivibile: ἂβίος βίος, βίος ἀβίωτσς. Senza salute, la vita non è che languore e simulacro di morte. E dunque voi che siete privi di salute, cioè a dire morti, impossessatevi della vita, cioè della salute.
Io spero proprio che il buon Dio ascolterà queste preghiere vista la nostra ferma fede nel rivolgerle a lui, ed esaudirà questo voto, vista la sua modestia: l'aurea mediocritas, come dicevano i saggi dell'antichità; aurea, cioè preziosa, da tutti lodata, sempre ed ovunque gradita. Scorrete le sacre scritture e troverete che le preghiere di coloro che chiedevano cose modeste mai rimasero inascoltate. Esempio il piccolo Zacheo, del quale i Musaphis9 di Saint-Ayl presso Orléans si vantano di possedere il corpo e le reliquie, e lo chiamano San Silvano. Tra la gente accorsa a vedere Gesù nostro Salvatore alle porte di Gerusalemme, anche lui desiderava tanto di poterlo vedere. Era un ben modesto desiderio che tutti potevano soddisfare. Ma Zacheo era troppo piccolo e in mezzo a tanta folla non ce la faceva. Salta, trotta, spinge, s'intrufola, s'arrampica su un sicomoro, inutilmente. Il buon Dio, appreso quel desiderio sincero e modesto, sí presentò alla sua vista. Ed egli non solo lo vide, ma gli parlò. Gesù visitò la sua casa e benedì la sua famiglia.
Al figlio di un Profeta in Israele che tagliava legna presso il fiume Giordano, sfuggì il ferro della scure e cadde dentro il fiume (Re II, 4, 6); ed egli pregò Dio di volerglielo restituire. Era piccola cosa. E con ferma fede e fiducia gettò non la scure dietro il manico, come con scandaloso solecismo cantano i diavoli Censorini, ma il manico dietro la scure, come correttamente dite voi. E subito accaddero due miracoli insieme: il ferro venne su dal fondo e il manico vi si innestò. Se avesse invocato d'essere assunto in cielo su di un carro di fuoco come Elia, di moltiplicare la sua discendenza come Abramo, di diventare ricco come Giobbe, forte come Sansone, o bello come Assalonne, l'avrebbe egli ottenuto? È una domanda.
A proposito di mediocri aspirazioni in fatto di manici (attenti a bere quando sarà il momento) io vi racconterò ciò che è scritto nel libro degli apologhi del saggio Esopo francese, cioè frigio e troiano, come afferma Massimo Planude; perché da quel popolo, secondo i più veridici cronisti, discese appunto il nobile popolo di Francia. Eliano scrive invece ch'era nativo della Tracia; Agazia, seguendo Erodoto, che era di Samo. Per me è tutt'uno.
Viveva dunque a quel tempo un povero villano, nativo di Gravot10, chiamato Cogliastro, il quale scampava il lunario alla bell'e meglio facendo il taglialegna. Avvenne che perdette la scure, ch'egli chiamava la mia crunetta, forse a causa dell'occhiello per cui si tiene al manico, o forse per amore, che è lo stesso11. Certo è che se mai vi fu al mondo uomo afflitto e sconsolato, questi era lui. Perché dalla sua scure dipendeva il suo pane e la sua vita; grazie alla sua scure viveva in onore e reputazione fra tutti i ricchi boscaioli. Se da lì a sei giorni la morte lo avesse incontrato senza scure, lo avrebbe falciato con la sua falce e spazzato via dalla faccia della terra.
In sì grave distretta, il povero Cogliastro, gli occhi al cielo, le ginocchia a terra, il capo scoperto, le braccia alte nell'aria, le dita delle mani spalancate, cominciò a gridare, a pregare, a invocar Giove con assai diserte orazioni; perché voi sapete che fu la Necessità a inventare l'Eloquenza. E ad ogni ritornello dei suoi suffragi, ripeteva instancabilmente con tutta la sua voce: «La mia scure, o potentissimo Giove! La mia scure, la mia crunetta, niente altro che la mia crunetta! O almeno i denari per comprarmene un'altra! Aimé, la mia povera crunetta!».
Giove frattanto sedeva a Consiglio per certi affari urgenti, e in quel momento aveva la parola la vecchia Cibele o, se preferite il giovane Apollo. Ma le grida del povero Cogliastro erano così forti da giungere fin lassù e mettere un gran spavento a tutto il concistoro.
«Cosa diavolo succede là di sotto?» chiese il re degli dei. «Chi è che urla così orribilmente? Virtù di Stige! Come se non avessimo avuto e non avessimo ancora abbastanza rompicapi con tante questioni controverse e tanti affari importanti da decidere! Abbiamo composto il conflitto fra Presthan re dei Persiani e il Sultano Solimano imperatore di Costantinopoli; abbiamo chiuso il passaggio fra Tartari e Moscoviti; abbiamo risposto ai reclami dello Sceriffo; abbiamo premiato i buoni servigi di Dragut-Rais12; la faccenda di Parma è regolata, e così le questioni del Magdeburgo, della Mirandola e dell'Africa (come chiamano i mortali quello che noi chiamiamo Aphrodisium sul mar Mediterraneo); e Tripoli ha cambiato padrone perché mal difesa13: era venuto il suo momento. Qua ci sono i Guasconi pentiti che chiedono la restituzione delle loro campagne. Da questa parte una caterva di Sassoni, Estrelini14, Ostrogoti e Alemanni: popoli un tempo invincibili, oggi messi alla frusta e soggiogati da un piccolo uomo tutto storpio15. E adesso chiedono a noi vendetta, soccorso e restituzione del loro senno di un tempo e dell'antica libertà. Ma che faremo di quel Rameau e di quel Galland che con tutto il loro codazzo di marmittoni, seguaci e partigiani, mettono in subbuglio tutta l'Accademia di Parigi?16 Io non so che pesci pigliare e non ho ancor deciso da che parte pendere. Tutti e due mi sembrano ragazzi di buona compagnia e coi coglioni sotto. L'uno è anche ben fornito di scudi del sole, belli e di buon peso. L'altro vorrebbe averne. L'uno ha del sapere, l'altro non è ignorante. L'uno ama i galantuomini, l'altro è amato dai medesimi. L'uno è volpe fina e astuta, l'altro dice e scrive peste e corna e abbaia come un cane contro gli antichi filosofi e oratori. Che te ne pare? Dico a te Priapo, gran visdecazzo: cosa ne pensi? Non sarebbe la prima volta che mi dai un consiglio assennato e pertinente: et habet mentula mentem»17.
«Re Giove» rispose Priapo, scapucciandosi e levando alta la testa fiammeggiante e piena di baldanza, «poiché voi dite che l'uno somiglia a una vecchia volpe e l'altro a cane che abbaia, io direi che, senza pigliarvela troppo calda, dovreste fare di loro ciò che faceste altra volta di un cane e di una volpe».
«Chi, come, dove, quando?» disse Giove. «Chi erano costoro?»
«Oh la bella memoria!» rispose Priapo. «Il venerabile padre Bacco che voi vedete qui con la sua faccia cremisina, aveva fatato una volpe per tal modo che, qualunque male e malestro facesse, non c'era bestia al mondo che la potesse prendere o ferire. Il nostro nobile Vulcano, invece, aveva fabbricato un cane di bronzo monesiano, al quale a forza di soffiare aveva infuso vita e vivezza. Voi lo donaste ad Europa, la vostra favorita; essa lo regalò a Minosse; Minosse a Procri, e in fine Procri a Cefalo. Anche questo cane era fatato, di modo che, come gli avvocati d'oggidì, azzannava tutte le bestie che incontrava e non gliene scappava una. Accadde che cane e volpe si incontrarono. Che fare? Il cane, per suo fatale destino, doveva prendere la volpe; la volpe per destino altrettanto fatale non doveva essere presa.
«Il caso fu presentato a questo consiglio. Voi ammoniste che non si contravvenisse ai decreti del fato. I decreti erano contraddittori. Conciliare due verità, due fini, due effetti contraddittori fu dichiarato impossibile in natura. Voi vi angustiaste talmente che vi vennero i sudori freddi. Dalle gocce del vostro sudore cadute a terra nacquero i cavoli cappucci. Tutto questo nobile concistoro, a forza di cercare una risoluzione categorica che non c'era, fu preso da una sete così meravigliosa che in questo consiglio furono bevuti più di settantotto barili di nettare. Per mio suggerimento, voi convertiste in pietra i due quadrupedi fatati. Subitamente vi sentiste sollevato da ogni perplessità; subitamente per tutto l'Olimpo quanto è grande fu gridato «Tregua alla sete!». E fu nell'anno delle coglie molli, nei pressi di Taumessa, fra Calcide e Tebe.
«Dato il precedente, io vi consiglio oggi di pietrificare quest'altro cane e quest'altra volpe. La metamorfosi non è incongrua. Già si chiamano Pietro tutti e due. E poiché, per fare la bocca di un forno, come dice un proverbio limosino, occorrono tre pietre, potreste aggiungervi Mastro Pietro del Cantuccio18, già da voi pietrificato tempo fa per le stesse ragioni. I tre saranno poi collocati nel grande tempio di Parigi o nel bel mezzo del sagrato, in modo da formare un triangolo equilatero, con l'ufficio di spegnere col naso, come al gioco del Fochetto, candele, torce, fiaccole, ceri e bugie; loro che da vivi accendevano coglionescamente il fuoco delle fazioni, fomentando dispute e risse fra sette coglionesche di studenti sfaccendati. Così da far sapere a tutte le generazioni a venire che queste piccole cricche coglioniformi incorsero nel vostro disprezzo prima ancora che nella vostra condanna. Ho detto».
«Voi me li trattate troppo benignamente, a quanto vedo, mio bel messer Priapo», disse Giove. «E non mi risulta che siate altrettanto indulgente con tutti. Voi non avete considerato che per loro, così bramosi come sono di perpetuare la memoria del proprio nome, è molto meglio, dopo aver vissuto, essere convertiti in pietre dure e marmoree che non in polvere e concime. Non vedete qui, verso il Tirreno, verso l'Appennino, e nelle terre circonvicine, quante e quali tragedie si scatenano ogni giorno a causa di certi Pastofori?19 Questa furia durerà il suo tempo come i forni dei Limosini. Poi finirà, ma non così presto, e ci sarebbe da divertirsi un bel po'. Ma ci vedo un inconveniente. Il fatto è che le riserve di folgori sono sempre scarse da quel giorno che voialtri, abusando della vostra reverenda condeità e di una mia particolare concessione, ve la siete spassata a scaraventarne giù senza risparmio sopra la Nuova Antiochia20. Proprio come quei campioni vanesi che si erano impegnati a difendere contro chiunque la roccaforte della Tacchinara; i quali, avendo sprecato tutte le munizioni per tirare ai passeri e non avendo più di che difendersi al momento del bisogno, cedettero bravamente la piazza e si arresero al nemico che stava per levare l'assedio in preda al panico e alla disperazione, assillato soltanto dal pensiero di potersi ritirare salvando la faccia. Vulcano, figlio mio, pensateci voi.
«Svegliatemi quei dormiglioni dei vostri Ciclopi, Asterope, Bronte, Arges, Sterope, Piracmone e compagnia; metteteli al lavoro e date loro da bere come si conviene. Per chi sta al fuoco il vino è sempre poco. E adesso sbrighiamo quell'urlone laggiù. Mercurio, vedete un po' voi chi è e sappiatemi dire cosa vuole».
Mercurio guarda giù dalla botola dei cieli, donde gli dèi ascoltano ciò che si dice sopra la terra e che somiglia propriamente al boccaporto di una nave (Icaromenippo diceva che somiglia alla bocca di un pozzo); vede Cogliastro che reclama la sua crunetta e ne fa relazione al Consiglio.
«Questa sì ch'è una cosa seria!» disse Giove. «Come se non avessimo altro da fare che restituire le crunette perdute! Ma intanto bisogna restituirgliela. È scritto nel destino, capite? È come se valesse il ducato di Milano. E in verità, per lui, la sua crunetta ha tanto pregio e importanza quanto un re può stimare il suo reame. Su su, che gli sia restituita e non parliamone più! Vediamo piuttosto di risolvere la contesa del clero e della Talperia di Landarossa! A che punto eravamo?»
Priapo se ne stava in piedi all'angolo del camino, e avendo udito il rapporto di Mercurio, interloquì con tutta cortesia e garbata giovialità.
«Re Giove» disse, «al tempo che, per vostra ordinanza e vostra particolare benevolenza, facevo il guardiano degli orti e dei giardini sopra la terra, notai che questa parola crunetta si adatta a parecchie cose. Essa può significare un certo strumento che serve a tagliare e a spaccar legna; ma significa anche, o almeno significava, la femmina a giusto punto di fioritura e mandrillata spesso; e vedevo che tutti i buontemponi chiamavano mia crunetta le loro femmine da diporto. In effetti, con questo strumento qui (e in ciò dire metteva in mostra il suo manico sesquipedale) essi le incrunano con tale audacia e fierezza da fugare ogni loro timore di epidemia del sesso femminino: quella speciale epidemia per cui la crunetta può rilasciarsi e cadere giù dal basso ventre fino ai piedi per difetto di sostegno. E mi ricordo (perché ho buona mentula, cioè a dire memoria, e così bella e grande da poterne riempire un vaso da burro) mi ricordo che un giorno della Tubilustre21, festeggiandosi a maggio il nostro buon Vulcano, udii in un bel giardino Josquin des Pres, Ockeghem, Obrecht, Agricola, Brumel, Camelin, Vigoris, de La Fage, Bruyer, Prioris, Seguin, de La Rue, Midy, Molu, Mouton, Gascongne, Loys Loyset, Compère, Penet, Fevin, Rousée, Richafort, Rousseau, Consilion, Costanzio Festi, Jacquet Bercan, che cantavano melodiosamente:
Tibaldone, volendosi bel bello
giacere con la sua sposa novella,
entrò nel letto con un gran martello.
"Amico mio" fa lei, "che cosa è quella
che avete in mano? Non è troppo sodo?".
"È" dice lui, "per incrunarvi a modo".
Lei ride e fa: "Ci vuol altro che quello!
Quando mi fa il servizio il mio Giovanni,
per chiudere la falla al mio vascello,
lui m'incruna di culo e senza inganni".
«Nove Olimpiadi e un anno bisestile dopo (Oh la bella mentula che ho, voglio dire: che bella memoria! Chissà perché queste due parole mi si confondono sempre nella testa) udii Adriano Villaert, Gombert, Jannequin, Arcadelt, Claudin, Certon, Manchicourt, Auxerre, Villiers, Sandrin, Sohier, Hesdin, Morales, Passereau, Maille, Maillart, Jacotin, Heurteur, Verdelot, Carpentras, Lhéritier, Cadéac, Doublet, Vermont, Boutellier, Lupi, Pagnier, Millet, du Moulin, Alaire, Marault, Morpain, Gendre, e altri allegri musici, che in un giardino appartato, sotto una bella pergola, attorno a un fortilizio di bottiglie, prosciutti, pasticci, e ognuno con la sua fraschetta in gallòria, cantavano graziosamente:
Se a nulla val crunetta senza manico
e ogni altro arnese senza presa alcuna,
a ciò che l'un nell'altra ben s'immanichi,
facciamo ch'io son manico e tu cruna.
Il punto, adesso, sta nel sapere che razza di crunetta pretende quel baccajone di Cogliastro».
A queste parole tutti gli dèi, maschi e femmine, scoppiarono a ridere, e ridevano ridevano che parevano un microcosmo di calabroni. Vulcano, con la sua gamba storta, si mise addirittura a saltellare per la sala per farsi bello con la sua amica. Ma Giove tagliò corto.
«Suvvia» disse a Mercurio, «scendete laggiù immediatamente e gettate ai piedi di Cogliastro tre crunette da boscaiolo: la sua, un'altra tutta d'oro e una terza d'argento massiccio, ma tutte della stessa taglia. Se prende la sua e se ne contenta, donategli le altre due. Se invece prende quella d'oro o quella d'argento, tagliategli la testa con la sua. E d'ora in poi così sia fatto con tutti coloro che perdono la scure».
Detto questo, re Giove, torcendo la faccia come una scimmia che ingoia una pillola, lanciò un'occhiata d'imperio così terrificante che tutto il grande Olimpo ne tremò.
Mercurio, con il suo cappello a punta, la sua cappetta, i calzerotti alati e il caduceo, si butta giù dalla botola dei cieli, fende l'aria per quanta ce n'è, prende terra con leggerezza, getta le tre crunette ai piedi di Cogliastro e gli dice: «Hai gridato abbastanza per farti una bevuta. Giove ha esaudito le tue preghiere. Guarda di queste tre qual è la tua e prendila».
Cogliastro raccoglie la scure tutta d'oro, la osserva, la trova molto pesante e dice a Mercurio:
«Parola di Cogliastro che questa non è la mia, nemmeno per sogno». Lo stesso fa con la scure d'argento e dice: «Non è questa. Ve la lascio». Poi prende quella dal manico di legno, ne osserva l'impugnatura, vi riconosce la sua impronta, trasale di felicità come una volpe alla vista di una gallina smarrita, sorride tutto fin sulla punta del naso e dice a Mercurio: «La Peppa! Questa sì che è la mia! Se me la lasciate, vi sacrifico un secchio bello grande di latte fresco con sopra tante belle fragole, alle idi di maggio; sì, il giorno quindicesimo di maggio, se vi sta bene».
«Buon uomo» disse allora Mercurio, «te la lascio, prendila. E poiché hai scelto e desiderato secondo moderazione, per volere di Giove ti faccio dono di quest'altre due. D'ora in avanti hai di che farti ricco. Non perdere la testa e mantieniti onesto».
Cogliastro ringrazia cortesemente Mercurio, rende omaggio al grande Giove, attacca la sua vecchia scure alla cintura di cuoio e se la cinge sopra il culo come l'automata Martino che batte le ore all'orologio del Municipio di Cambray. Le altre due più pesanti se le carica in spalla e se ne va tutto pimpante per le strade del paese, tra parrocchiani e vicini, facendo a tutti buona cera e tutti apostrofando col motto di Pathelin: «Ne ho o non ne ho?»22.
L'indomani, vestito di una bella casacca bianca, piglia su le due preziose crunette e parte per Chinon, città nobile, città insigne, città antica, e insomma la prima del mondo, secondo che dicono e sostengono i più dotti Massoreti. A Chinon cambia la scure d'argento con monete d'argento, come testoni e tornesi; e quella d'oro con bei reali, scudi del sole, montoni di gran lana, dobloni e marenghi. Con tutti questi soldi acquista una gran quantità di masserie, granai, fattorie, campagne, campi e cascine, prati, vigne, boschi, terre lavorative, pascoli, stagni, mulini, orti, saliceti, buoi, vacche, montoni, capre, troie, porcelli, asini, cavalli, galline, galli, capponi, pollastri, oche, germani, anitre, anitroccoli e altri pulcini. E in poco tempo fu l'uomo più ricco del paese; anche più ricco di Maulevrier lo zoppo23.
Tutti i campagnoli, terrazzani e sandroni del vicinato, nel vedere la gran fortuna capitata a Cogliastro, non finivano di meravigliarsi; e nel loro animo la pietà e la commiserazione di un tempo per il povero boscaiolo si tramutarono in invidia a causa della sua così grande e così improvvisa ricchezza. Ed eccoli tutti a correre, a interrogarsi, ad almanaccare, a cercar di sapere con quale mezzo, in quale luogo, in quale giorno, a che ora e a che proposito gli era piovuto addosso un tal tesoro. Saputo che tutto era dipeso dalla scure perduta: «Toh» cominciarono a dire, «ma allora basta perdere la scure per diventare ricchi! Allora vuol dire che c'è una rivoluzione dei cieli, una congiunzione degli astri e una posizione dei pianeti per cui chiunque perde la scure diventa subito ricco! Il mezzo è facile e costa ben poco, perdio! Lallà, mia bella scure, voi sarete perduta, e non ve ne dispiaccia».
E tutti naturalmente perdettero la loro scure. Al diavolo se ce ne fu uno che la tenesse cara. Non ci fu figlio di buona madre che non perdesse la sua. E più non si abbatteva un albero, più non si spaccava un ciocco in tutto il paese a causa di tanta penuria di scuri.
Dice ancora la favola di Esopo che certi genspilluomini di bassa lega che avevano venduto a Cogliastro chi un campicello chi un piccolo mulino, per fare i bellimbusti alle parate, saputo il come ed il perché della sua nuova ricchezza, vendettero la spada per comperare una scure, e quindi perderla come facevano i contadini, convinti di assicurarsi così oro e argento a bizzeffe. Tal quale quei Romipeti, ovverossia pellegrini, che vendono il proprio e pigliano a prestito l'altrui per precipitarsi a comprare indulgenze dal papa nuovo. Ed eccoli tutti a gridare, a pregare, a lamentarsi, ad invocare Giove come tanti Cogliastri. «La mia scure, la mia scure, Giove! La mia scure di qua, la mia scure di là, la mia scure, oh, oh, oh! Giove, la mia scure!». E i cieli rintronavano delle grida e degli urlamenti di questi seminatori di crunette.
Mercurio fu pronto a venir giù offrendo ad ognuno la sua scure perduta, un'altra d'oro e una terza d'argento. Tutti sceglievano quella d'oro e se ne appropriavano ringraziando Giove, il grande donatore. Ma nel momento stesso in cui, curvi e protesi, facevano per pigliarla su, Mercurio tagliava loro la testa. E il numero delle teste tagliate fu eguale e corrispondente a quello delle crunette perdute, salvo, s'intende, la testa di Cogliastro: esempio di ciò che accade a coloro che, in semplicità, si augurano e desiderano soltanto fortune mediocri.
Non ve ne scordate voialtri buffoncelli di campagna, che, come dite voi, non dareste i vostri desideri per diecimila franchi d'entrata. E guardatevi d'ora in avanti da quell'impudenza che vi fa dire e sospirare, come vi ho udito io più di una volta: «Piacesse a Dio che avessi qui sul momento cento e settantotto milioni di zecchini d'oro! Che trionfo sarebbe». Vi venisse il pedignone! Forse che un re, un imperatore, un papa potrebbero desiderare di più?
E state attenti a non doverne fare voi stessi l'esperienza, e che, essendovi dati in balia ad ambizioni smodate non vi si attacchi alla cotica la tigna e la rogna e nemmeno un soldo alla borsa; così come accadde a quei due lazzaroni che facevan voti all'ingrosso alla moda di Parigi. L'uno sognava di possedere tanti scudi e dobloni quanti ne sono stati spesi a Parigi, ceduti e guadagnati, da quando furono gettate le prime fondamenta della città fino ad oggi; il tutto stimato al tasso d'interesse e al prezzo di vendita dell'annata più cara che si sia avuta in questo lasso di tempo. Aveva costui la bocca cattiva, a parer vostro? Aveva mangiato prugne acerbe senza pelarle? Gli legavano i denti? L'altro avrebbe voluto il tempio di Notre-Dame tutto stipato d'aghi d'acciaio dal pavimento alla sommità delle volte. E possedere tanti scudi d'oro zecchino da riempirne tutti i sacchi che si potessero cucire con tutti e ciascuno di quegli aghi, finché non fossero tutti rotti e spuntati. Che desiderio è mai questo? Che ve ne pare? E che cosa ne fu?
Non fece a tempo a venir sera che l'uno e l'altro avevano:
geloni alle calcagna,
rogna alla cuticagna,
canchero al pettignone,
mala tosse al polmone,
ragadi al sottomento,
vespaio al fondamento,
e al diavolo il tozzo di pane che gli rimase per pulirsi i denti!
Auguratevi dunque una mediocre fortuna e l'avrete; e avrete certamente anche di più, lavorando nel frattempo e dandovi da fare.
«Sta bene» dite voi, «ma il buon Dio essendo onnipotente può donare indifferentemente i settantottomila o la tredicesima parte di una metà: per lui un milione non è più di un baiocco». Ahiaiaii! E chi vi ha insegnato, povera gente, a parlare e a sdottoreggiare così sulla potenza e predestinazione divina? Silenzio! St, st, st! Umiliatevi al suo sacro cospetto e riconoscete le vostre imperfezioni.
È su questo, miei cari gottosi, che riposa la mia speranza. E credo fermamente che, se piace al buon Dio, riavrete la buona salute, visto che al presente non chiedete nulla più di questo. Abbiate una mezz'oncia di pazienza e aspettate ancora un po'.
Non fanno così i Genovesi, i quali al mattino, dopo aver discorso, opinato e risoluto, dentro ai loro scagni ed uffici, da chi e da quali persone potranno spillar quattrini quel giorno, e chi dovrà essere belinato, rapinato, raggirato e turlupinato dalla loro astuzia, escono sulla piazza e si salutano fra loro dicendo «Sanità e guadain, messer»24. Essi non si accontentano della salute; bramano per giunta il guadagno, ossia gli scudi di Tommaso25. Donde accade spesso che non abbiano né l'una cosa né l'altra. E adesso tossite una volta alla buona salute, bevetene tre, scuotete allegramente le orecchie, e udrete meraviglie del nobile e buon Pantagruele.
7 Le mort saisit le vif: massima di diritto tradizionale, la quale significa che i beni del morto passano immediatamente all'erede.
8 Dotto legista e grande amico di Rabelais il quale non ha dimenticato di dovere a lui la liberazione dalla prigione nella quale l'avevano rinchiuso i confratelli francescani di Fontenay-le-Comte.
9 In turco, dottori e profeti. Qui, i monaci di Saint-Ayl.
10 Nei pressi di Chinon, naturalmente.
11 La frase: «ch'egli chiamava... che è lo stesso» è, rispetto al testo, un 'arrangiamento' necessario a introdurre il termine crunetta, che qui traduce coingnée, e che consente di aderire ai doppi sensi sui quali si regge gran parte del seguito di questo prologo (cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. VIII, nota 17).
12 Famoso corsaro turco protetto anche dai Francesi.
13 Qui Rabelais vuol scagionare la corte di Francia dall'accusa di avere aiutato i Turchi contro i Cavalieri di Malta.
14 Abitanti delle città anseatiche: Brema, Amburgo, Lubecca.
15 Carlo V, che soffriva di gotta.
16 Si tratta della violenta diatriba tra Pierre Ramus, professore al collegio reale e aristotelico arrabbiato, e Pierre Galland suo accanito avversario.
17 Bisticcio: mentula è anche, in latino, il diminutivo di mens.
18 Nel testo, Pierre de Coingnet, deformazione di Pierre de Cugnières, consigliere e avvocato generale del Parlamento di Parigi sotto Filippo VI. Costui, avendo difeso strenuamente le prerogative della corona, cioè della giurisdizione secolare, contro i canonisti che si facevano forti delle Decretali, si guadagnò naturalmente l'odio degli ecclesiastici, i quali, per derisione, diedero il suo nome a una statua grottesca situata in un angolo di Notre-Dame, sul cui naso si spegnevano le candele. Così de Cugnières diventò de Coingnet, cioè del Cantuccio.
19 Trasparente allusione ai pontefici romani.
20 Antiochia, nell'antichità, fu vittima di numerosi terremoti, nonostante avesse dedicato un tempio a Giove Salvatore. Ma l'autore allude certamente a qualche evento contemporaneo. Quale, non si sa.
21 Festa romana in onore di Vulcano destinata a purificare le trombe (tubae) sacre.
22 «En ay-je?» Sono le parole che Pathelin, nell'omonima farsa, tornando a casa con la stoffa rubata al merciaio, dice trionfalmente alla moglie.
23 Si chiamava Maulevrier anche il marito di Diana di Poitiers, favorita di Enrico II, allora re di Francia. Qualche commentatore ha voluto identificare la figura di Cogliastro che tanto si avvantaggia dall'aver perduto la sua 'crunetta', col Maulevrier che aveva tratto anche lui grandi vantaggi dall'aver perduto la crunetta di sua moglie in favore del re.
24 Così nel testo.
25 Tommaso Guadagni, banchiere fiorentino stabilitosi a Lione e abbastanza ricco per poter prestare cinquantamila scudi al re Francesco I fatto prigioniero alla battaglia di Pavia.
CAPITOLO I
Come Pantagruele prese il mare per andare a visitare l'oracolo della divina Bacbuc26
Nel mese di giugno, il giorno delle feste Vestali, lo stesso nel quale Bruto conquistò la Spagna e soggiogò gli Spagnoli, e Crasso, l'avaro, fu vinto e disfatto dai Parti, Pantagruele, dopo aver preso congedo dal buon Gargantua suo padre, che, come si usava fra i santi cristiani della chiesa primitiva, pregava fervidamente per la felice navigazione del figlio e di tutta la compagnia, salpò dal porto di Talassa in compagnia di Panurgo, fra Giovanni de' Battitori, Epistemone, Ginnasta, Eustene, Rizotomo, Carpalim, e altri suoi servitori e domestici di lunga data; e insieme a loro Xenomane, il grande viaggiatore provato a tutte le insidie delle più misteriose contrade, accorso già da alcuni giorni all'appello di Panurgo, e che, per buone e ben precise ragioni aveva lasciato a Gargantua la sua grande Carta idrografica universale, dopo avervi tracciato la rotta che avrebbero seguito nel recarsi a visitare l'oracolo della diva Bottiglia Bacbuc.
Il numero delle navi era quello che vi ho già detto nel terzo libro e con scorta di triremi, rembargi, galeoni e liburniche in numero eguale, bene equipaggiate, ben calafate, ben munite, con abbondanza di Pantagruelione. L'assemblea di tutti gli ufficiali, piloti, turcimanni, capitani, nocchieri, mozzi, rematori e marinai ebbe luogo sulla Talamega. Così si chiamava la grande nave ammiraglia di Pantagruele che recava a poppa per insegna una grande e capace bottiglia, per metà d'argento ben levigato e rilucente e per metà di oro con figure di smalto di colore incarnato. Dal che si capiva facilmente che bianco e chiaretto erano i colori dei nobili viaggiatori e che essi andavano alla ricerca del responso della Bottiglia.
Sulla poppa della seconda nave spiccava alta una lanterna all'antica, opera industre di pietra micacea e trasparente, a significare che avrebbero toccato i lidi del Lanternese.
La terza aveva per insegna un cratere di porcellana bello e profondo.
La quarta, un'anforetta d'oro a due anse, simile a un'urna antica.
La quinta, un insigne bacile di sperma di smeraldo27.
La sesta, una ciotola monacale fatta della lega dei quattro metalli.
La settima, un imbuto d'ebano, tutto ricamato in oro, opera d'intarsio.
L'ottava, un calice d'edera di gran pregio, legato in oro damaschinato.
La nona, una coppa d'oro zecchino.
La decima, una tazza di profumato Agàlloco (voi lo chiamate legno d'alòe) tutta ricamata in oro di Cipro, smaltato alla maniera persiana.
L'undecima, una corba d'oro lavorata a mosaico.
La dodicesima, una brenta d'oro opaco, ornato di grosse perle indiane raffiguranti un giardino alla romana con piante a foggia di animali.
E insomma non c'era persona triste, annoiata, ringhiosa o malinconica che fosse, e fosse pure un Eraclito piagnone, che non si rallegrasse e non sorridesse di cuore vedendo quel nobile convoglio di navigli con le loro insegne; nessuno che non giudicasse quei naviganti bevitori di tutto rispetto; nessuno che non pronosticasse per loro, con sicurezza, un viaggio di buon umore e di buona salute, all'andata come al ritorno.
Sulla Talamega fu tenuta dunque l'assemblea generale. Là Pantagruele pronunciò una breve e santa esortazione, tutta confortata da passi delle sacre scritture, sull'argomento della navigazione. Terminata la quale, fu recitata, alta e chiara, una preghiera a Dio, udita ed ascoltata da tutti i borghigiani e i cittadini di Talassa, accorsi sul molo per assistere all'imbarco.
Dopo l'orazione, tutti ad una voce – partenti e Talassiani – cantarono melodiosamente il salmo del santo re Davide, che comincia: Quando Israele sortì dall'Egitto. Terminato il salmo, furono allestite le mense sulla tolda e prontamente servite le vivande. I Talassiani, concordi, fecero portare dalle loro case gran quantità di vini e di ghiottonerie. Tutti bevvero alla salute dei viaggiatori, e i viaggiatori alla salute di tutti. Fu questa la ragione per cui nessuno dei naviganti ebbe mai a patire di vomito o mal di mare, o di male allo stomaco o alla testa. Ai quali inconvenienti non avrebbero ovviato altrettanto facilmente bevendo qualche giorno avanti acqua di mare, sia pura sia mescolata al vino, o mangiando polpa di cotogne o scorza di limone o succo di granate agrodolci, o coprendosi lo stomaco di carta, o con lunghi digiuni, o altrimenti ingoiando le pozioni che i medici matti prescrivono a coloro che vanno per mare. E dopo aver mangiato, mangiato e ben bevuto28, ciascuno si ritirò sulla sua nave e all'ora giusta fecero vela con vento di Greco-Levante, secondo il quale il capo pilota, chiamato Jamet Brayer, aveva tracciato la rotta e orientato tutte le bussole. Il suo avviso ed anche quello di Xenomane, visto che l'oracolo della divina Bacbuc si trovava presso il Catai, nell'India superiore, era di non seguire la rotta ordinaria dei Portoghesi, i quali oltrepassando la Zona torrida, doppiando il Capo di Buona Speranza sotto la punta meridionale dell'Africa, oltre l'Equinoziale, e perdendo la vista e la guida dell'asse settentrionale, seguono un percorso che non finisce mai. Meglio invece seguire da presso quanto possibile il parallelo della detta regione dell'India e circumnavigare quel polo per via d'occidente, di maniera che, girando sotto settentrione, l'avessero alla stessa altezza del porto di Olona, senza avvicinarvisi di più per non rischiare di sconfinare nell'Oceano Glaciale e di non venirne più fuori. E seguendo questo circuito canonico per lo stesso parallelo, lo avrebbero avuto sulla destra tornando verso levante come lo avevano avuto sulla sinistra andando per occidente.
E ciò fu loro di incredibile giovamento. Infatti, senza naufragi, senza pericoli, senza perdere uno solo dei loro, in grande serenità (eccetto un sol giorno presso l'isola dei Macreoni) compirono il viaggio per l'India superiore in meno di quattro mesi, laddove i Portoghesi avrebbero impiegato tre anni e più, tra mille difficoltà e pericoli senza fine. E io sono dell'opinione, salvo migliore avviso, che la stessa rotta fu tenuta per caso da quegli Indiani che navigarono fino in Germania e furono onorevolmente trattati dal re degli Svevi al tempo nel quale Quinto Metello Celere era proconsole in Gallia, come scrivono Cornelio Nepote, Pomponio Mela e Plinio dopo di loro.
CAPITOLO II
Come Pantagruele acquistò molte cose belle nell'isola Medamothi29
Per quel giorno e nei due che seguirono non videro terra né alcunché di nuovo, giacché altre volte avevano solcato quelle acque. Il quarto giorno scoprirono un'isola chiamata Medamothi, assai bella e gradevole alla vista a causa del gran numero di fari e di alte torri di marmo che ne ornavano le rive per tutto il perimetro, non meno grande di quello del Canada30.
Pantagruele, cercando di sapere chi ne fosse il signore, apprese che vi regnava Filofane, allora assente per il matrimonio di suo fratello Filoteamone con l'Infanta del regno di Poi. E allora scese al porto, e si diede ad ammirare – mentre le ciurme delle sue navi facevano provvista d'acqua – i dipinti, le tappezzerie, i più diversi animali, pesci, uccelli e altre mercanzie esotiche e peregrine esposte sul molo; perché era quello il terzo giorno della grande e solenne fiera del luogo alla quale convenivano tutti i più famosi mercanti d'Africa e d'Asia. Fra Giovanni vi comperò due quadri preziosi e rari. L'uno ritraeva al vivo la faccia di un appellante31; l'altro rappresentava un valletto che cerca padrone, con tutte le qualità richieste (gesto, portamento, sembianza, andatura, fisionomia e sentimenti), immaginato e dipinto da Mastro Carlo Charmoys pittore del re Megisto32; e li pagò con la moneta delle scimmie33.
Panurgo comperò un grande quadro dipinto e ricopiato dall'antico arazzo ricamato ad ago da Filomena per raccontare e spiegare alla sorella Progne come il cognato l'avesse violentata e le avesse poi tagliato la lingua per impedirle di rivelare il misfatto. Ma non penserete, voglio sperare, che vi fosse ritratto un uomo mentre si accoppia con una fanciulla, che sarebbe idiota e volgare. La pittura era ben altra cosa e assai più esplicativa. La potrete vedere in Telème, a sinistra entrando, nella galleria superiore.
Anche Epistemone acquistò un quadro nel quale erano dipinte al vivo le Idee di Platone e gli Atomi di Epicuro. Un altro, acquistato da Rizotomo, rappresentava Eco al naturale.
Pantagruele fece comprare da Ginnasta la vita e le gesta di Achille in settantotto pezzi di tappezzeria d'alto liccio, lunghi ognuno quattro tese e larghi tre, tutti di saia frigia ricamata in oro e argento. La rappresentazione cominciava con le nozze di Teti e Peleo; seguiva la natività di Achille e la sua giovinezza secondo il racconto di Stazio Papinio; poi le imprese e le battaglie celebrate da Omero; la morte e le esequie come descritte da Ovidio e Quinto Calabro; e in fine l'apparizione della sua ombra e il sacrificio di Polissena secondo la descrizione di Euripide.
Inoltre fece comprare tre giovani e bellissimi liocorni: un maschio di pelo alezano bruciato e due femmine di mantello grigio pomellato; e insieme un tarando34 vendutogli da uno Scita del paese dei Geloni.
Il tarando è un animale grosso come un torello, con una testa come di cervo, poco più grande, con corna insigni a impalcature largamente ramificate; i piedi forcuti, il pelo lungo come di un grande orso e la pelle poco men dura d'un pettorale di corazza. E diceva il Gelone che al suo paese era gran fortuna riuscire a trovarne uno perché questi animali cambiano colore secondo la varietà dei luoghi ove pascolano e dimorano. E assumono di volta in volta i colori delle erbe, arbusti, fiori, terreni, pascoli, rocce, e in generale di ogni cosa cui si avvicinino. Questa virtù hanno in comune con il polpo marino, cioè a dire il polipo; col thoe; coi licaoni delle Indie; e in fine col camaleonte: una specie di lucertola così straordinaria che Plinio ha composto un intero libro per descriverne figura e anatomia, nonché virtù e proprietà di magia.
In verità, io l'ho veduto mutar colore non soltanto a specchio degli oggetti cui si accosta, ma di per se stesso, secondo la paura e le sensazioni che prova. Così, sopra un tappeto verde, l'ho visto certamente verdeggiare, ma poi, dopo esservi rimasto qualche tempo, diventar giallo e successivamente azzurro, poi marrone, poi violetto; così come vedete trascolorare la cresta di un gallo d'India secondo le sue emozioni35. Ma la cosa che più ci parve meravigliosa in questo tarando è che non soltanto il muso e la pelle prendevano il colore degli oggetti più vicini, ma benanche ogni pelo del suo mantello. Accanto a Panurgo con la sua toga di burello, il pelo gli diventava tutto bigio; accanto a Pantagruele che indossava un mantello scarlatto, diventava rosso di pelle e di pelo; accanto al pilota che vestiva alla maniera degli Isiaci di Anubi in Egitto, il suo mantello appariva tutto bianco: due Colori, il bianco ed il rosso, che sono negati al camaleonte. Quando poi, libero da ogni timore, assumeva il suo aspetto naturale, avreste potuto scambiarlo, quanto al colore del pelo, con uno dei tanti asini di Meung36.
CAPITOLO III
Come giunse a Pantagruele una lettera da suo padre Gargantua e della strana maniera di ricevere notizie fresche da paesi stranieri e lontani
Mentre Pantagruele era occupato nell'acquisto di questi strani animali si udirono dal molo dieci colpi di colubrine e falconetti insieme a una grande e gioiosa acclamazione da tutte le navi. Tutti si volsero verso il porto e Pantagruele riconobbe un vascello leggero di suo padre che accostava all'approdo: una trireme chiamata Chelidonia perché recava alta sulla poppa, scolpita in bronzo corinzio, una rondine di mare. È un pesce grande come una lasca della Loira, tutto carnoso, senza squame, con ali cartilaginose tipo quelle dei pipistrelli, assai lunghe e larghe, con le quali l'ho visto più di una volta volare, alto una tesa sul pelo dell'acqua, per più d'un tratto d'arco. A Marsiglia lo chiamano lendola. Tale era questo vascello: leggero come una rondine, si che sembrava volare più che solcare le acque. A bordo c'era Malicorno, scudiero e scalco di Gargantua, da questi espressamente inviato per aver nuove del viaggio e della salute del buon Pantagruele suo figlio e fargli giungere lettere di credito.
Dopo i soliti abbracci e sberrettamenti di cortesia, Pantagruele, prima ancora di aprire le lettere o di tenere altri discorsi a Malicorno, gli domandò: «Avete con voi il messaggero celeste?».
«Sì» rispose Malicorno, «è qui impastoiato in questo paniere». Era un piccione della colombaia di Gargantua, preso mentre covava i suoi piccoli al momento che la Chelidonia stava per partire. Se avesse avuto fortuna avversa, Pantagruele gli avrebbe allacciato ai piedi dei geti neri; ma poiché tutto gli era andato a seconda, dopo avergli fatto togliere le pastoie, gli legò alle zampine una fettuccia di taffetà bianco e senza attendere un minuto di più lo liberò. Il piccione subito s'involò, fendendo l'aria con incredibile velocità, perché voi sapete che nulla è più rapido del volo di un colombo al tempo della covata, per la tenace sollecitudine posta in lui dalla natura di ritrovare e soccorrere i suoi piccoli. Per cui in meno di due ore compì volando il lungo cammino che la trireme, pilotata con estrema perizia, vogando a remi e a vela e sempre con il vento in poppa, aveva compiuto in tre giorni e tre notti. E così il nobile Gargantua, come seppe che il colombo era stato visto rientrare alla colombaia dove aveva il suo nido e che portava al piede una fettuccia bianca, si rasserenò nella certezza della buona salute del figlio.
Questo era il modo tenuto dal buon Gargantua e dal nobile Pantagruele per avere pronta notizia di qualcosa che li tenesse in grande ansietà e desiderio di sapere: fosse l'esito di una battaglia per mare o per, terra, la presa o la difesa di qualche fortezza, la composizione di qualche conflitto importante, il parto felice o sfortunato di qualche gran dama o regina, la morte o la convalescenza di qualche amico ed alleato infermo, e così via. Essi prendevano il colombo e lo affidavano alla più vicina stazione di posta, cosicché, di corriere in corriere, giungesse al luogo dal quale aspettavano notizie. Il colombo, recando al ritorno una fettuccia nera oppure bianca, secondo le occorrenze e le diverse eventualità, li toglieva di pensiero, facendo in un'ora più strada per l'aria di quanta non ne avrebbero fatta, via terra, trenta mute di cavalli di posta in un'intera giornata. E state pur certi che nelle loro colombaie, tutti i mesi e in ogni stagione dell'anno, si trovavano piccioni alla cova in quantità con le uova o i pulcini; cosa assai facile nel governo di una fattoria, usando salnitro di roccia e la sacra verbena37.
Liberato il colombo, Pantagruele lesse la lettera di suo padre, che era del seguente tenore.
«Carissimo figlio, l'affetto naturale di un padre verso il suo amatissimo figlio è in me tanto accresciuto dalla considerazione delle ammirevoli e particolarissime grazie riposte in te per divina elezione, che più di una volta, dopo la tua partenza, ha avuto ragione d'ogni mio altro pensiero. Ma in cuore mi restava quest'unica tormentosa paura, che il vostro imbarco fosse stato accompagnato da qualche noia o qualche avversità: perché tu sai che all'amore fervido e sincero sempre si accompagna il timore. E poiché, secondo il detto di Esiodo, in ogni cosa il principio è la metà del tutto, e, come dice il proverbio, il buon pane si vede all'infornata, io per sollevare la mia mente da tanta ansietà, ho inviato a te espressamente Malicorno affinché egli possa accertarmi della tua buona salute nei primi giorni del viaggio. Perché, se l'inizio è stato felice com'è nei miei voti, mi sarà facile prevedere, prognosticare e giudicare del seguito.
«Ho ritrovato per te qualche libro dilettevole che ti sarà consegnato dal latore della presente. Li leggerai quando avrai voglia di rinfrescare i tuoi studi migliori. Il fedele Malicorno ti darà più distesamente le notizie di questa nostra corte. Che la pace dell'Eterno sia sempre con te. Saluta Panurgo, fra Giovanni, Epistemone, Ginnasta e gli altri tuoi famigli, miei buoni amici. Dalla tua casa paterna, questo dì tredicesimo di giugno.
«Tuo padre ed amico
Gargantua».
CAPITOLO IV
La lettera che Pantagruele scrisse a suo padre Gargantua e le molte, belle e rare cose che gli mandò
Dopo aver letto la lettera di suo padre, Pantagruele si appartò con lo scudiero Malicorno, e poiché avevano molte cose da dirsi, s'intrattenne con lui così a lungo che alla fine Panurgo s'intromise dicendogli: «Quando berrete voi? Quando berremo noi? E messer lo scudiero, quando berrà? Non avete predicato abbastanza per andare a bere?». «Ben detto» disse Pantagruele. «Ordinate la colazione all'osteria più vicina, quella col satiro a cavallo per insegna». E, nell'attesa, preparò il dispaccio per lo scudiero, scrivendo a Gargantua come segue:
«Mio amabilissimo padre, come a ogni novità che sopravvenga in questa nostra effimera vita, tanto è più forte e profondo il turbamento dei sensi e della mente quanto più inatteso e insospettato è l'evento (spesso così forte e profondo che l'anima sbigottita si libera dal corpo e l'abbandona, quand'anche la novità sia lieta e ardentemente desiderata) così mi ha grandemente scosso e commosso l'inopinato arrivo dello scudiero Malicorno; giacché non mi aspettavo neppure alla lontana di vedere alcuno dei vostri domestici e di udire una qualche novella di voi prima della fine di questo viaggio. E già mi pareva gran cosa potermi abbandonare al dolce ricordo della augusta maestà vostra, raffigurata, anzi scolpita ed impressa nella memoria38, che spesso me la rappresenta al vivo nell'aspetto suo proprio e naturale.
«Ma poiché mi avete prevenuto col beneficio della vostra graziosa lettera, e poiché le assicurazioni del vostro scudiero sulla prosperità e buona salute di tutta la real casa, e vostra in particolare, hanno rallegrato e rinvigorito l'animo mio, m'è forza adesso – ciò che in passato spontaneamente facevo – lodare in primo luogo il benedetto nostro Salvatore che si compiace, nella sua divina bontà, di conservarvi sì lungamente in perfetta salute; in secondo luogo, ringraziare voi eternamente del fervido e inveterato affetto che portate a questo vostro umilissimo figlio e inutile servitore. Anticamente, un romano chiamato Furnio, dovendo rendere omaggio a Cesare Augusto che aveva graziato e perdonato suo padre, seguace di Antonio, gli disse: "Rendendomi oggi questo beneficio, mi hai ridotto in tale ignominia che mi sarà forza, e da vivo e da morto, esser tenuto per ingrato, poiché non c'è gratitudine che valga a petto di tanto favore". Così io potrei dire che l'eccesso del vostro amore paterno mi costringe in questa angustia e necessità, che mi toccherà di vivere e di morire da ingrato. A meno che una simile colpa non sia cancellata dalla sentenza degli Stoici i quali dicevano doversi in ogni beneficio distinguere tre parti: una di chi dona, una di chi riceve, una di chi ricambia; e chi riceve può ricompensare assai bene il donatore se accetta con gioia il beneficio e ne conserva memoria perpetua; come, al contrario, può dimostrarsi il più ingrato uomo del mondo chi, ricevuto il beneficio, lo ha in ispregio e l'oblia.
«Trovandomi dunque oppresso da obblighi infiniti, tutti discesi dalla vostra immensa benignità, e impotente a sdebitarmene minimamente, potrò salvarmi dall'ignominia almeno in questo, che mai non ne sarà cancellata la memoria dall'animo mio, e mai cesserò dal confessare e protestare che il rendervene grazie condegne è cosa che trascende ogni mio potere, ogni mia facoltà.
«Per il resto io mi rimetto al buon Dio nostro Signore, nella cui misericordia riposa la mia fiduciosa certezza che la conclusione di questo nostro peregrinare sarà simile al suo cominciamento e tutto si concluderà in allegrezza e perfetta salute. Né mancherò di redigere, giorno per giorno, un commentario di tutto il seguito della nostra navigazione, affinché al nostro ritorno, ve ne sia data veridica lettura.
«Qui ho trovato un tarando di Scizia, animale strano e meraviglioso a causa delle variazioni di colore del pelo e della pelle, conforme la diversità delle cose che avvicina. Spero che lo gradirete. È docile e facile da nutrire quanto un agnello. Vi mando anche tre giovani unicorni e vedrete che sono mansueti e domestici come tre gattini. Ho parlato con lo scudiero riguardo al modo di accudirli. Non pascolano raso terra, ostandovi il lungo corno che hanno in fronte. Debbono prendere il loro cibo dagli alberi da frutta o da apposite rastrelliere; o anche dalle mani del custode, offrendo loro erbe, mannelli, mele, pere, orzo, frumento, ogni specie di frutta e di legumi. Non capisco come mai i nostri antichi scrittori li dicano tanto selvatici, feroci e pericolosi, e mi pare incredibile, com'essi affermano, che nessuno ne abbia mai veduto uno vivo. Se vi farà piacere, voi potrete avere la prova del contrario, e troverete in loro la più gran gentilezza del mondo, purché non li si offenda con malizia.
«Affido ancora a Malicorno settantotto pezzi di tappezzeria d'alto liccio assai belli e industriosi, che narrano la vita e le gesta di Achille; e vi assicuro che tutte le novità che potrò trovare e procurarmi in fatto di animali, piante, uccelli e pietre rare, io ve le porterò, volendo Iddio nostro Signore, che prego vi conservi nella sua santa grazia.
«Da Medamothi, questo dì quindicesimo di giugno. Panurgo, fra Giovanni, Epistemone, Xenomane, Ginnasta, Eustene, Rizotomo, Carpalim, vi baciano devotamente la mano e ricambiano centuplicati i vostri saluti.
«Il vostro umile figlio e servitore
Pantagruele».
Mentre Pantagruele scriveva questa lettera, Malicorno fu festeggiato a gara, salutato, abbracciato e riabbracciato da tutti. E Dio sa il chiasso che gli fecero intorno, le manate e le ambasciate che gli piovevano da tutte le parti.
Pantagruele, finito di scrivere, banchettò con lo scudiero, e gli donò una grossa catena d'oro del peso di ottocento scudi, nella quale erano incastonati, a ogni settimo anello, grossi diamanti, rubini, smeraldi, turchesi e grosse perle d'oriente. A ciascuno dei marinai fece donare cinquecento scudi del sole. A Gargantua suo padre inviò il tarando con indosso una gualdrappa di raso ricamato in oro; gli arazzi con la vita e le gesta di Achille; e i tre unicorni fastosamente ammantati di drappi d'oro crespo. E così partirono da Medamothi: Malicorno per tornare da Gargantua, Pantagruele per continuare il suo viaggio; durante il quale, appena in alto mare, si fece leggere da Epistemone i libri recatigli dallo scudiero. E siccome gli piacquero, trovandoli allegri e gustosi, io ve ne farò volentieri un riassunto, se me lo chiederete con insistenza.
CAPITOLO V
Come Pantagruele incontrò una nave di viaggiatori che tornavano dal paese delle Lanterne
Il quinto giorno, quando già la nostra rotta volgeva poco a poco verso il polo, allontanandoci dall'equinoziale, avvistammo una nave mercantile che veleggiava a orza verso di noi. Non fu piccola gioia, sia per noi sia per quei mercanti: noi per avere notizie del mare, quelli per averne da terra. Come fummo a bordo del loro legno, sapemmo che erano Francesi di Saintonge. Poi ragionando e discutendo Pantagruele apprese che venivano dal Lanternese, e tutti ci rallegrammo ancor più. Era quanto di meglio si potesse desiderare per farci un'idea dello stato del paese e dei costumi di quel popolo. Tra l'altro venimmo a sapere che per la fine del veniente mese di luglio era convocato il Consiglio generale delle Lanterne, e che, giungendovi in tempo, com'era assai probabile, avremmo potuto ammirare il bello, onorevole e giocondo consesso dei Lanternoni, per il quale già si stavano facendo grandi preparativi con la chiara intenzione di lanternare profondamente. Ci fu anche detto che, se fossimo passati per il grande reame di Gebarim, saremmo stati accolti e trattati con molto onore da re Ohabé, signore di quella terra, il quale, come tutti i suoi sudditi, parla il francese della Turenna.
Mentre ascoltavamo queste notizie, Panurgo prese a questionare con un mercante di Taillebourg chiamato Bindolone. L'occasione fu che questo Bindolone, vedendo Panurgo senza braghetta e con gli occhiali al berretto: «Guardate» disse ai compagni, «che bel campione di cornuto». Panurgo che, per via degli occhiali, era fino d'orecchio più del solito, sentì e disse al mercante: «Come diavolo sarei cornuto, io che non sono ancora ammogliato, come invece sei tu, che si vede benissimo da quel brutto muso che hai?».
«Certo sì che lo sono» rispose il mercante, «e non vorrei non esserlo per tutti gli occhiali d'Europa e tutte le barelle39 d'Africa. Perché io ho una delle più belle, più avvenenti, più oneste e savie mogli che vi siano in tutto il paese di Saintonge, senza offesa per nessuno. E le porto in dono dal mio viaggio un bellissimo ramo di corallo rosso lungo undici pollici. Ma tu, cosa c'entri? Che vai cercando? Chi sei? Di dove vieni? Rispondi, occhialaro dell'anticristo. Rispondi, se sei dalla parte di Dio!»
«Te» disse Panurgo, «mi devi dire una cosa. Mettiamo che io, con la complicità ed il consenso dei quattro punti cardinali e di tutti gli elementi, sia riuscito a sbattinsorcabelinburattare la tua tanto bella, tanto avvenente, tanto onesta, tanto contegnosa moglie, per modo che il duro dio dei giardini Priapo (il quale, emancipato dalla soggezione delle opprimenti braghette, abita qui in libertà) le fosse entrato in corpo con tale sconquasso da non poterne più venir fuori, salvo che tu non lo tirassi coi denti, che faresti tu? Lo lasceresti là in sempiterno o ci daresti di becco? Rispondi, o belimbecco di quel figlio di un becco cornuto di Macometto. Perché tu sei certamente dalla parte di tutti i diavoli».
«Io» disse il mercante, «ti darei un bel traversone su quell'orecchia occhialuta e ti ammazzerei come un montone». E così dicendo mise mano alla spada. Ma non riusciva a tirarla dal fodero, perché, come sapete, viaggiando per mare ogni arnese arrugginisce a causa dell'umidità e della salsedine.
Panurgo si aggrappò a Pantagruele chiamando aiuto. Fra Giovanni, invece, sfoderò la sua scimitarra arrotata di fresco e avrebbe fatto a pezzi il mercante, se il capitano della nave e altri passeggeri non avessero scongiurato Pantagruele di impedire un simile scandalo sul loro vascello. Per cui fu composta la lite. Panurgo e il mercante si strinsero la mano, e bevvero anche troppo, ma sempre allegramente, alla salute l'uno dell'altro, in segno di perfetta riconciliazione.
CAPITOLO VI
Come, composta la disputa, Panurgo contratta con Bindolone una delle sue pecore
Sistemata la faccenda, Panurgo chiamò in disparte Epistemone e fra Giovanni e disse loro: «Se volete divertirvi state a guardare senza immischiarvi. Sarà uno spettacolo assai bello, se non si rompe la corda»40.
Poi si volse di nuovo al mercante e di nuovo bevve alla sua salute un gran boccale di buon vino del Lanternese. Il mercante lo ricambiò di buona lena in tutta amabilità e cortesia. Fatto questo, Panurgo lo pregò insistentemente di volergli vendere in grazia uno dei suoi montoni. Al che il mercante, rifacendo il viso dell'armi, esclamò:
«Aimè, aimè, amico mio bello e nostro vicino! Siete ben bravo voi a menar per il naso la povera gente. Proprio quel che si dice una perla di avventore! Guardatelo il valoroso compratore di montoni! Per Dio! Il fatto è che voi non avete per niente la faccia di un compratore di montoni; bensì quella di un tagliaborse. Per San Nicola, compare, che bell'affare sarebbe starvi accanto al mercato con una borsa piena sulla pancia, al tempo del disgelo!41 Eh già! Chi non vi conoscesse ne fareste delle belle, voi! Guardate, oh, brava gente, che arie da baccalare che si dà!»
«Capisco» disse Panurgo, «ma, per l'appunto, ve lo chiedo in via di favore particolarissimo. Me ne basta uno. Ditemi quanto costa».
«E secondo voi, amico nostro e mio caro vicino» disse il mercante, «quanto costa secondo voi? Sono montoni di gran lana42. Con un montone di questi Giasone ci fece nientemeno il Vello d'Oro; da un altro, Filippo il buono ci ha tirato fuori l'ordine della Casa di Borgogna. Montoni di Levante, caro mio! Montoni d'alto fusto e d'alto lardo!»
«D'accordo» disse Panurgo, «ma, di grazia, vendetemene uno. Mi serve. Pagando subito, beninteso: in moneta di Ponente, di basso fusto e di basso lardo. Quant'è?»
«Nostro vicino e amico mio» disse il mercante, «ascoltate un po' qui dall'altro orecchio».
Pan.: «Ai vostri ordini».
Merc.: «Andate nel Lanternese?»
Pan.: «Sì».
Merc.: «A vedere il mondo?»
Pan.: «Sì».
Merc.: «Allegramente?»
Pan.: «Sì».
Merc.: «Voi vi chiamate, suppongo, Robin Cornuto»43.
Pan.: «Se vi suona bene».
Merc.: «Senza offesa».
Pan.: «Non ci penso nemmeno».
Merc.: «Voi siete, suppongo, il buffone del re».
Pan.: «Per l'appunto».
Merc.: «Benone. Qua la zampa. Voi fate il giramondo, siete il buffone del re e vi chiamate Robin Cornuto. Tutto a meraviglia. Guardate quel montone là. È cornuto di natura e si chiama Robin come voi. Robin! Robin! Vieni qua, Robin!»
Il montone: «Bèè, bèè, bèèè».
Merc.: «Che bella voce!»
Pan.: «Bellissima e armoniosa».
Merc.: «E adesso, nostro vicino e amico, facciamo un patto io e voi. Voi che siete Robin Cornuto, starete su questo piatto della bilancia; il mio montone Robin sull'altro. E io ci scommetto una centuria di ostriche di Busch che vi sopravvanza in peso, valore e onorabilità, e vi manda talmente in su che vi sentirete alto e corto come quel giorno che sarete appeso ed impiccato».
«Non importa» disse Panurgo, «ma fareste un gran bene a me e alla vostra posterità se voleste vendermene un altro, magari di bassa forza. Ve ne prego, mio signore».
«Sappiate, amico mio e nostro vicino» disse il mercante, «che le lane di queste pecore serviranno a fabbricare le finissime stoffe di Rouen; al confronto, il più soffice mantello di panno di Limestre non è che stoppa. Con la loro pelle si faranno i bei marocchini che poi si vendono per marocchini di Turchia o di Montélimar o di Spagna. Con le loro budella si faranno corde di violini e di arpe, che si venderanno care come se fossero corde di München o dell'Aquila. Che ve ne pare?»
«Vendetemene uno, per favore» disse Panurgo. «Ve ne sarò molto obbligato e bacerò il chiavistello della vostra porta come vostro vassallo e servitore. Quanto fa?»
E così dicendo scuoteva la sua scarsella piena di Enrichi nuovi.
CAPITOLO VII
Continuazione della trattativa fra Panurgo e Bindolone
«Amico mio, nostro vicino» rispose il mercante, «questo non è boccone se non da principi e re. Hanno carni così delicate, tanto gustose e ghiotte che è un balsamo. Li ho comperati in un paese dove i porcelli (Dio sia con noi!) i porcelli non mangiano che mirabolani. Le troie, nel travaglio del parto (parlando con rispetto per tutta la compagnia) non si nutrono che di fiori d'arancio».
«Ma» disse Panurgo, «se me ne vendete uno, io ve lo pago da re: parola di fante! Quanto?»
«Amico nostro, mio vicino» disse il mercante, «questi montoni sono della stessa razza di quello che portò Frisso ed Elle attraverso il mare detto Ellesponto...»
«Canchero!» disse Panurgo. «Ma voi siete clericus vel adiscens.»44
«Ita» rispose il mercante, «son cavoli; vere son porri45. Ma rr. rrr.rrrr. Ehi, Robin! rr. rrrrr. Voi non capite questo linguaggio. A proposito! Dovete sapere che nei campi dove pisciano loro il grano vien su come se ci avesse pisciato Dio46; non c'è più bisogno di marna né di letame. Ma c'è di più. Dal loro piscio, i quintessenziali estraggono il miglior salnitro del mondo. Con le loro caccole, senza offesa per voi, i medici dei nostri paesi guariscono settantotto specie di malattie, la più leggera delle quali è il male di Sant'Eutropio di Xaintes, da cui Dio ci guardi! Che ne pensate, voi, nostro vicino, amico mio? Capirete che mi costano un bel po'».
«Costi quel che costi» rispose Panurgo, «mi basta che me ne vendiate uno, e ve lo pago bene».
«Amico nostro, mio vicino» disse il mercante, «considerate un po' le meraviglie di natura racchiuse in questi animali che vedete qui; magari nelle parti che stimereste più inutili. Prendete per esempio queste corna, tritatele con un pestello di ferro o con un alare, che per me è lo stesso. Interratene a solatio una certa quantità a vostro criterio e annaffiatele spesso. In pochi mesi voi vedrete spuntare i migliori asparagi del mondo: asparagi che nemmeno quelli di Ravenna, forse forse. E adesso ditemi voi se le corna di voialtri cornuti hanno virtù paragonabili e altrettanto mirifiche proprietà».
«Capisco» sospirò Panurgo.
«Io non so» disse mercante, «se voi siate un dotto. Ne ho visti di dottori, e intendo gran dottori, cornuti come voi: oh sì, parecchi! Ma insomma, se voi foste dotto, sapreste che nelle parti inferiori di questi animali divini, cioè a dire i piedi, c'è un osso, il tallone o astràgalo se volete (e non lo troverete in nessun altro animale al mondo, salvo l'asino indiano e le dorcadi di Libia) col quale anticamente si giocava al gioco regale degli aliossi, che una sera Ottaviano Augusto ci vinse più di cinquantamila scudi. Voialtri cornuti non ve lo sognate nemmeno di guadagnarne altrettanti».
«Pazienza!» disse Panurgo. «Ma concludiamo».
«Ma quando» disse il mercante, «quando mai, amico nostro, mio vicino, avrò finito di lodarvene degnamente gli organi interni? Le spalle, le cosce, le natiche, l'alto costato, il petto, il fegato, la milza, le trippe, le budella, la vescica con cui si gioca a palla; le costolette, che i Pigmei ci fanno i begli archetti per tirar noccioli di ciliegia contro le gru; la testa, con la quale, a metterci un po' di zolfo, si fa un decotto per far mangiare i cani costipati di ventre?»
«Merda, merda!» disse al mercante il padrone della nave. «L'hai tirata in lungo anche troppo. Se vuoi, glielo vendi; se no, non stare più a menarlo per il naso».
«Glielo vendo per amor vostro» disse il mercante, «ma dovrà pagare tre lire tornesi per capo, a sua scelta».
«È caro» disse Panurgo. «Al mio paese, con tutto quel denaro, ne comprerei almeno cinque, magari sei. Pensateci su, che non sia troppo. Non sareste il primo di mia conoscenza che volendo arricchire e salire troppo in fretta, al contrario è caduto in povertà o si è rotto addirittura l'osso del collo».
«La febbre quartana che ti prenda, sciocco e zoticone che sei!» disse il mercante. «Giuro sul Santo Voto di Charrous47 che il più scalcagnato di questi montoni vale quattro volte di più del più bello di quelli che anticamente i Corassiani vendevano in Tuditania – contrada di Spagna, se non lo sai – a un talento d'oro per capo. E me lo sapresti dire, tu, lasagnone incastronito; quanto valeva uno di quei talenti?»
«Benedetto signor mio» disse Panurgo, «voi vi state alterando e riscaldando nella vostra corazza48, a quel che vedo e comprendo. Ebbene, tenete, ecco il vostro denaro».
Pagato il prezzo al mercante, Panurgo scelse nel branco un bel montone grande e grosso e se lo portò via urlante e belante. Udendolo, tutte le altre pecore, belanti anche loro, allungavano il collo a guardare dove mai venisse condotto il loro compagno. Frattanto il mercante diceva ai pecorai:
«Corpo se ha scelto bene, il cliente! Se ne intende, il marpione! Mi ha preso uno dei meglio; proprio quello che tenevo in serbo per il signore di Cancal, perché conosco bene i suoi gusti. Lui, di sua natura, è un tipo che se gli date in mano una spalla di montone bella e bene inquartata, è l'uomo più felice del mondo e la brandisce di sinistra come una racchetta; e se poi gli mettete nella destra un coltello bene affilato, sa Dio la scherma che vi combina».
CAPITOLO VIII
Come Panurgo fece affogare in mare il mercante e i suoi montoni
Subitamente, e non saprei dir come perché tutto successe in un battibaleno e io non ebbi il tempo di rendermene conto, Panurgo, senza una parola di più, scaraventa in mare il suo montone urlante e belante. Tutte le altre pecore, montoni in testa, urlando e belando sullo stesso tono, cominciano a gettarglisi dietro, saltando in mare una dopo l'altra; perché, come sapete e come dice anche Aristotele (Lib. 9, De Histor. animal.) questo animale è il più stupido e il più inetto del mondo, ed è proprio della natura delle pecore seguire la prima ovunque vada. Così facevan ressa e spingevano a testa bassa per essere le prime a seguire il compagno.
Il mercante, preso dal panico nel veder le sue pecore morire annegate così sotto i suoi occhi, faceva di tutto per frenarle e trattenerle, ma inutilmente. Tutte, una dopo l'altra, si buttavano giù. Alla fine agguantò per il pelo uno dei montoni più grossi sull'orlo della tolda, sperando di tirarlo indietro e salvare così tutto il resto del gregge. Ma il montone fu abbastanza forte per portare il mercante con sé; come i montoni di Polifemo, il Ciclope accecato nel sonno, quando portarono in salvo, fuor della grotta, Ulisse e i suoi compagni. E montone e mercante affogarono insieme. Anche i pecorai che, sull'esempio del mercante, s'aggrappavano alle bestie, chi per le corna, chi per i piedi, chi per il mantello, furono tutti travolti allo stesso modo e affogarono in mare miseramente.
Panurgo, accanto al fogone, con un remo in mano, si dava da fare non già ad aiutare i pecorai, bensì a impedir loro di arrampicarsi sulla nave e sfuggire al naufragio; e intanto li ammoniva con eloquenza degna del fraticello Oliviero Maillard49 o, se volete, di fra Giovanni Bourgeoys50. Con fiori di retorica, mostrava loro le miserie di questo mondo e il bene e le grandi soddisfazioni dell'altra vita, affermando essere i trapassati più felici di quelli che rimangono quaggiù in questa valle di lacrime e promettendo ad ognuno di erigergli, al ritorno dal Lanternese, un bel cenotafio o sepolcro onorario sulla vetta del Moncenisio; con l'augurio tuttavia (casomai non increscesse loro di vivere ancora fra gli umani e trovassero sconveniente di affogare a quel modo) di incontrare la buona fortuna e magari una qualche balena che, da lì a tre giorni, li rendesse alla riva di un qualche paese di delizie, sull'esempio di Giona.
Spedito in mare il mercante e sgomberata la nave dai montoni, Panurgo si guardò attorno e disse:
«C'è ancora in giro qualche anima di pecora smarrita? Dove sono quelle di Thibault l'Aignelet?51 E quelle di Regnauld Belin, che dormono mentre le altre brucano? Io non ne so niente. È un tiro di vecchia guerra. Cosa ne dici, tu, frate Giovanni?»
«Tutto bene, quanto a voi» rispose frate Giovanni. «Non c'è niente da dire. Salvo che, a mio parere e a proposito di vecchia guerra, avreste dovuto ricordarvi come una volta era d'uso promettere ai soldati giornata doppia di paga prima della battaglia o dell'assalto, perché, se avessero vinto, c'era di che pagarli in abbondanza, mentre, se perdevano, si sarebbero vergognati di chiedere il soprassoldo, come accadde con i formaggiari di Gruyers al fuggi fuggi di Cerisola52. Così, se voi vi foste riservato di pagare alla fine, il denaro sarebbe rimasto nella vostra scarsella, non vi pare?»
«Se è per questo, denaro ben cacato!» esclamò Panurgo. «Virtù di Dio, me la son goduta per più di cinquantamila franchi. Ritiriamoci che il vento è propizio. Ascolta, fra Giovanni: non c'è uomo al mondo che mi abbia fatto un piacere senza ricevere da me ricompensa o almeno gratitudine. Io non sono un ingrato, non lo sono mai stato e mai lo sarò. Ma non c'è uomo al mondo che mi abbia causato un dispiacere e che non abbia a pentirsene in questo mondo o nell'altro. Non sono sciocco fino a questo punto».
«Tu ti dannerai come un vecchio diavolo» disse fra Giovanni. «Non sai che è scritto Mihi vindictam, eccetera eccetera?53 È materia di breviario».
CAPITOLO IX
Come Pantagruele arrivò all'isola degli Snasati e delle strane parentele di quel paese
Zefiro continuava ad esserci propizio con l'aiuto di un po' di Garbino, ma un altro giorno era passato senza scoprir terra. Il terzo giorno, all'alba delle mosche, cioè a dire sul mezzodì, ci apparve un'isola triangolare, che somigliava moltissimo, per forma e posizione, alla Sicilia. Si chiamava isola delle Parentele.
Gli uomini e le donne assomigliavano ai rossocriniti del Poitou, salvo che tutti, uomini, donne e marmocchi, hanno il naso che pare un asso di fiori. Per questo il nome antico dell'isola era Ennasin. Tutti erano e si vantavano di essere consanguinei e imparentati fra loro, come apparve ben chiaro dalle franche parole del Podestà del luogo:
«Voialtri gente dell'altro mondo» ci disse con aria di indulgente superiorità, «non finite di meravigliarvi che a Roma, in un sol giorno (ch'era il 13 del mese di febbraio), da una sola porta (ch'era la porta Carmentale situata allora ai piedi del Campidoglio, fra la rupe Tarpea ed il Tevere, e fu chiamata in seguito Scellerata), contro certi nemici dei Romani (ch'erano gli Etruschi Veienti), uscissero d'una sola famiglia (ch'era quella dei Fabi), trecento e sei guerrieri tutti parenti, con cinquemila altri guerrieri tutti loro vassalli, che poi perirono tutti nella stessa battaglia presso il fiume Cremera54, emissario del lago di Bracciano. Ebbene, da questa nostra terra, all'occorrenza, ne sortirebbero più di trecentomila, tutti parenti, tutti di una stessa famiglia».
I loro vincoli di parentela erano di un genere assai strano. Infatti, pur essendo tutti consanguinei e imparentati fra loro, trovammo che nessuno era padre né madre, né fratello o sorella, zio o zia, cugino o nipote, genero o nuora, padrino o madrina di nessun altro. Eccetto, per la verità, un gran vegliardo snasato che chiamava «padre mio» una bambina di tre o quattro anni, la quale a sua volta lo chiamava «figlia mia».
Ma per darvi un'idea di che razza di parentele e affinità fossero quelle, vi dirò di un tale che chiamava «mia marmora» una donna, e lei lo chiamava «mio sarago». «Quei due» disse frate Giovanni «quando han finito di strusciarsi il lardo, lo sa Dio come puzzano di pesce!»
Notammo poi una ragazzina bene agghindata e un tale che le faceva il cascamorto che si salutarono così: «Buongiorno, mia striglietta», «Buongiorno, mio buricco». «Un buricco di verga nera, che lei lo striglia da mattina a sera», disse Panurgo.
Un altro lui salutò la sua lei dicendo: «Buon giorno a voi, mia campana». E quella: «Buon giorno a voi, mio battaglio». «Per San Tregnano!» disse Ginnasta. «Il campanaro può dormire tranquillo che la campana suona lo stesso».
A un rosticciere, che chiamava una servetta «mia gratella», quella rispose «mio lardone». «Qui» disse Eustene, «non c'è bisogno di ungerla».
A un altro che salutava una parente dicendo: «Salute a voi, mia crunetta55», quella rispose: «Anche a voi, manico mio». «Corpo d'un bue!» esclamò Carpalim. «Sarà il manico che s'incruna o la crunetta che s'ammanica? Sarà un manico tosto come piaceva alla moglie di Minosse, o magari un cordigliere di manica larga?»
Più avanti vidi io stesso un manigoldo che, stazzonando l'amica, la chiamava mio materasso, e lei lo ricambiava chiamandolo mio coltrone. Di fatto l'uomo aveva qualche tratto in comune con una grossa imbottita.
Altri che incontrammo e che, chiamandosi per nome si salutavano gentilmente, risultarono accoppiati così: una paletta con un attizzatoio, una ciabatta con una pantofola, una scarpa con uno stivaletto, un guanto con un monchino, una cotica con un lardone, un uovo con una frittata, un'ostrica con un guscio, un pisello con un baccello.
Con egual buona grazia, un tale chiamava la compagna «mia trippa» e lei lo chiamava «mio fagotto». Mai son riuscito a capire, rispetto il nostro uso comune, quale vincolo di parentela, colleganza o consanguineità vi fosse fra costoro, salvo che in questo caso ci fu detto che lei era la trippa e lui il fagotto.
Un altro snasato, straccione, sdentato e zoccoluto, incontrando una ragazzotta, grossa, grassa e corta, la fermò salutandola così: «Dio ti protegga, mia ruzzola, mio stombolo, mia trottola». E lei a lui, con fierezza: «Augurio per augurio, mio frustino!». «Per San Bigio!» disse Xenomane, «ma vi sembra un frustino adatto per quella trottolona lì?».
Un nobile cattedrante, tutto ben pettinato ed azzimato, dopo aver conversato alcun poco con una damigella, si congedò da lei dicendo: «Molte grazie, buon viso». E lei: «Grazie infinite a voi, cattivo gioco». «Beh!» disse Pantagruele. «Tra buon viso e cattivo gioco l'accoppiamento non disdice».
Un vecchio scapolo, passando, disse a una fanciulla: «Aimé, da quanto tempo non vi vedo, Musa!». E lei: «Vi rivedo con piacere, Corno». «Metteteli insieme» disse Panurgo, «soffiate loro nel culo, e sarà una cornamusa».
Un altro chiamò un'amica mia vacca; lei lo chiamò mio fieno. Naturalmente pensai che quella vacca brucasse volentieri quel fieno.
Non lontano da noi vidi un burlone mezzo gobbo salutare una gobba. «Addio, mio buco» dise lui. «Dio ti protegga, mio cavicchio», rispose lei. «Io credo» disse frate Giovanni, «che lei sia tutta buco e lui tutto cavicchio. Va' a sapere poi se un simile buco può essere tappato come si deve da un simile cavicchio».
Un altro salutò un'amica dicendo: «Salve, mia muda». E lei: «Salve, mio papero». «Io credo» disse Ponocrate, «che quel papero lì sia sempre in muda».
Un briccone, chiacchierando con una giovane fraschetta, le diceva: «Ricordatene, vescia». «Va tranquillo, peto mio», rispose lei.
«E questi voi li chiamate parenti?» disse Pantagruele al Podestà. «Io li direi nemici, piuttosto. Nei nostri paesi, una donna, a chiamarla così, è la peggiore offesa che le si possa fare».
«Voi brava gente dell'altro mondo» disse il Podestà, «non avete nemmeno l'idea di una parentela così stretta come fra questo peto e questa vescia, usciti tutti e due dallo stesso buco invisibilmente e nel medesimo istante».
«Volete dire che il vento di Maestro aveva lanternato la loro madre?» chiese Panurgo. E il Podestà:
«Di quale madre andate parlando? Qui non abbiamo né padri né madri. Queste son parentele del vostro mondo; son cose da gente che vive di là dall'acqua, gente calzata di fieno».
Il buon Pantagruele tutto ascoltava e ponderava, ma, a questo discorso fu sul punto di perdere il contegno.
Dopo avere osservato diligentemente la disposizione dell'isola e le usanze del popolo Snasato, entrammo in un'osteria per rinfrescarci un po'. Là si celebravano sposalizi alla moda del paese e c'era intorno una gran baldoria. Noi presenti, fu celebrato un allegro matrimonio fra una pera spadona (un bel tocco di donna, parve a noi, sebbene quelli che l'avevano tastata la dicessero un po' sfatta) e un giovane formaggio di pelo riccio e rossigno. Ne avevo già sentito parlare e so di altri matrimoni del genere. Nel nostro paese di vaccari, si dice ancora che non c'è miglior maritaggio di quello della pera col formaggio.
In un'altra sala assistemmo al matrimonio di una vecchia uosa con un giovane e aitante borzacchino. Qualcuno disse a Pantagruele che il giovane borzacchino prendeva in moglie la vecchia uosa perché era di buona pelle, ben ricucita e bene ingrassata, e molto adatta per il suo mestiere, visto che lui faceva il pescatore.
Nella sala da basso, vedemmo un giovane scarpino che sposava una vecchia pantofola, e non, ci fu detto, per la di lei buona grazia, ma per avarizia e cupidigia degli scudi di cui essa era imbottita.
CAPITOLO X
Come Pantagruele discese nell'isola di Cheli, dove regnava san Panigone
Lasciata questa gente disgustosa dal naso a trifoglio alle loro matte parentele, riguadagnammo l'alto mare col garbino in poppa. Verso il tramonto, facemmo scalo all'isola di Cheli: isola grande, fertile, ricca e popolosa, dove regnava il re san Panigone. Il quale, accompagnato dai figli e dai principi di corte, era disceso fino al porto per ricevere Pantagruele, e lo condusse al suo castello. All'entrata del mastio, gli si fece incontro la regina accompagnata dalle figlie e dalle dame del suo seguito. Tale era l'uso di corte e il costume del paese, e tutti si baciarono; eccetto fra Giovanni che se l'era squagliata intrufolandosi fra gli uffiziali del re.
Panigone pregò insistentemente Pantagruele di volersi trattenere tutto quel giorno e anche l'indomani; ma Pantagruele si scusò adducendo il tempo sereno e il vento propizio: cose più spesso desiderate che trovate da chi viaggia per mare, e che conviene utilizzare quando ci sono perché non sempre si hanno quando si desiderano. A questo ragionevole diniego, Panigone, dopo venticinque o trenta bevute ciascuno, ci diede congedo.
Pantagruele, tornando al porto e non vedendo fra Giovanni, domandava dove poteva essersi ficcato e perché non fosse con noi. Panurgo non sapeva come giustificarlo e voleva tornare al castello per chiamarlo, quando fra Giovanni arrivò correndo e gridando pieno d'allegria.
«Per la morte di un bue di legno!» gridava. «Viva il nobile Panigone! Va tutto in arrosti, lui: tutto in rifreddi, frittelle, crostini, budini, cacicchi, bolliti, mostarde, capponi, tortelli e salmigondis. Un diluvio, in cucina! Ci ho dato un'occhiata per vedere se mi veniva fatta di imbottirmi a dovere lo stampo della mia cocolla a beneficio della religione. Che impressione, ragazzi!»
«E così, amico mio» disse Pantagruele, «sempre a razzolare per le cucine, voi!»
«Corpo d'una gallina!» rispose fra Giovanni. «Il fatto è che lì conosco bene tutte le regole del cerimoniale. Mi trovo meglio fra le pentole che a fare i casimisdei con tutte quelle donne magne. Magna qui e magna là! Smorfie, inchini, riverenze, smammolamenti, mottuzzi, salamelecchi, caccabaldone e morimei! Vostra grazia, vostra maestà, e tarabin tarabà. Merda! come dicono a Rouen. Tutte cagate! Non dico che non farei volentieri un buco alla botte, chi mi lasciasse infilar la cannella alla contadina senza tante storie. Ma tutte quelle svenevolezze merdose mi mandano in bestia più di un doppio digiuno, parola di San Benedetto!56 Voi mi esortate a baciar damigelle; ma io, per la degna e sacra tonaca che porto, me ne dispenso volentieri per timore che mi capiti quello che accadde al signore di Guyercharois».
«E cosa mai gli capitò?» chiese Pantagruele. «Io lo conoscevo; è uno dei miei migliori amici».
«Gli capitò ch'era stato invitato da un suo vicino a un magnifico e sontuoso banchetto dove erano convenuti altri gentiluomini e dame e damigelle del vicinato. Queste dame e damigelle, mentre aspettavano che arrivasse, travestirono i paggi della casa abbigliandoli come altrettante fanciulle bene agghindate e pimpanti. I paggi indamigellati si presentarono a lui al passaggio del ponte levatoio ed egli tutti li baciò con grande cortesia e magnifiche riverenze. Alla fine, le dame che spiavano dalla galleria scoppiarono a ridere e fecero segno ai paggi di togliersi i loro fronzoli. A quella vista, il signore di Guyercharois, per vergogna e dispetto, si rifiutò di baciare le dame e le damigelle vere, sacramentando che se gli avevano travestito i paggi a quel modo, certamente anche loro erano donzelli travestiti ancor più abilmente degli altri.
«Virtù di Dio! – e che Lui mi perdoni se lo nomino invano – Ma perché non portiamo le nostre penitenti umanità nella Santa Cucina del Signore e non facciamo colà meditazione sul ruotar degli spiedi, l'armonia degli alari, la congiunzione dei lardoni, la temperatura delle pentole, i preparativi del dessert, le gerarchie dei vini? Beato chi ne uscirà senza macchia! dice il salmista: Beati immaculati in via!57 È materia di breviario».
CAPITOLO XI
Perché i monaci stanno volentieri in cucina
«Parlate da monaco schietto» disse Epistemone. «Intendo monaco monacante e non monaco monacato. E il vostro discorso mi richiama alla mente ciò che vidi e udii a Firenze una dozzina di anni fa58. Eravamo una bella compagnia di studiosi, curiosi di peregrinità e tutti presi dal desiderio di conoscere gli uomini dotti, le antichità e singolarità dell'Italia. Così andavamo studiosamente ammirando il sito e la bellezza di Firenze, la struttura del duomo, la grandiosità delle chiese e degli splendidi palazzi, facendo a gara a chi più degnamente ne esaltasse i pregi con lodi adeguate, quando un monaco di Amiens, chiamato Bernardo Lardone, irritato e come frastornato dai nostri discorsi, interloquì dicendo:
«"Io non so cosa diamine ci troviate da esaltarvi tutti così. Mi sono guardato attorno quanto voi e non sono più cieco di voi. E allora? Dove sono tutte queste meraviglie? Belle case, ecco tutto. Ma, che Dio e messer San Bernardo nostro patrono ci aiuti, per annusare e curiosare che io abbia fatto in giro, non ho scoperto una sola rosticceria, non una, dico. E vi assicuro che ho speculato bene a destra e a manca per non saltarne una e ricordarmi dove fossero. Ma, di rosticcerie rosticcianti, nemmeno l'ombra in tutta la città. Per le strade di Amiens, in un quarto o anche un terzo del cammino che abbiamo fatto qui in contemplazione, vi avrei fatto vedere e odorare almeno una quindicina di vecchie rosticcerie dagli aromi paradisiaci. Io non so che piacere ci abbiate provato a vedere i leoni e le africane (come voi chiamate, mi sembra, quelle bestie che loro chiamano tigri)59 sotto il campanile, o quegli istrici là nel palazzo del signor Strozzi. Ma io, per me, vi assicuro che preferirei vedere un bel papero girare allo spiedo. Questi porfidi, questi marmi sono belli, niente da dire: ma i berlingozzi di Amiens sono migliori, a mio gusto. Queste statue antiche sono ben fatte, ve lo concedo, ma, per san Ferréolo d'Abbeville, le pispolette dei nostri paesi sono mille volte più attraenti!"».
«Mi sapete dire» domandò fra Giovanni, «perché nelle cucine trovate sempre dei monaci e mai una volta che ci troviate un papa, un imperatore, un re?»
«Non sarà per caso» rispose Rizotomo, «una qualche virtù latente o proprietà specifica nascosta dentro le marmitte o nel corpo degli alari, che attira i monaci a sé, come la calamita il ferro, e invece non attira per niente né papi né re né imperatori? O magari una sorta di induzione o propensione naturale, aderente alle tonache, alle cocolle, agli zoccoli, agli scapolari, la quale, di per sé, induce e sospinge i buoni religiosi alle cucine ancorché essi non abbiano desiderio né volontà di andarci?»
«Io direi» rispose Epistemone, «che sono forme estratte dalla materia, come dice Averroè».
«Vero, verissimo!» disse fra Giovanni.
«Non proverò nemmeno a rispondere al problema proposto» disse Pantagruele, «perché, la questione è abbastanza spinosa da non poterla toccare senza lasciarci qualche penna. Ma mi ricordo di aver letto che un giorno Antigone, re di Macedonia, entrando nelle cucine del suo accampamento e incontrandovi il poeta Antagora, intento, padella alla mano, a cucinarsi un grongo in fricassea, gli domandò tutto allegro:
«"Ma credi tu che Omero friggesse gronghi mentre cantava le prodezze di Agamennone?"
‹‹"Ah!" disse il poeta. "Ma credi tu, mio re, che Agamennone, mentre compiva le sue prodezze, si curasse di sapere se al campo c'era qualcuno occupato a cucinare un grongo?". Che il poeta se ne stesse in cucina a rosolarsi un grongo pareva al re del tutto sconveniente; ma Antagora gli fece intendere ch'era ancor più sconveniente e scandaloso incontrare il re in cucina».
«Ma la più bella» disse Panurgo, «è sempre la risposta che diede una volta Breton Villandry al signor duca di Guisa, a proposito di una certa battaglia di re Francesco contro Carlo V. "Quel giorno" diceva il duca, "eravate splendidamente armato: corazza milanese e persino calzari e gambiere di acciaio temprato, per tacere del vostro impareggiabile cavallo. Ma nessuno ricordò di avervi veduto durante la battaglia".
«"Sul mio onore" rispose Breton, "io ero là; anzi in un punto nel quale voi stesso non avreste osato avventurarvi".
«Il signor duca, prendendo in mala parte questa bravata inammissibile e temeraria, cominciava ad alzare la voce; ma Breton, con una gran risata, lo rabbonì dicendo:
«"Ero dietro le salmerie: un luogo nel quale vostro onore non avrebbe certamente osato nascondersi, come feci io"».
E così, di storiella in storiella, arrivarono alle navi, né si trattennero più a lungo in quell'isola di Cheli.
CAPITOLO XII
Come Pantagruele fece rotta per Procura e della strana maniera di vivere dei Cagarogne di quel paese
Continuando il nostro viaggio, facemmo rotta per Procura60 che è un paese tutto pieno di cancellature e scarabocchi: tanto che non ci ho capito niente. Là non c'erano che procuratori, storcileggi, sanguisughe, Cagarogne61. Non ci offrirono da bere né da mangiare. Soltanto, con un subisso di ineccepibili riverenze, ci dissero di essere a nostra completa disposizione; pagando. Uno dei nostri turcimanni spiegò a Pantagruele come quella gente si guadagnasse da vivere in modo assai strano e diametralmente opposto a quello dei Romicoli. A Roma, un'infinità di persone campano la vita avvelenando, picchiando e uccidendo; i Cagarogne, invece facendosi picchiare. Di modo che, se gli capitava di rimanere per lungo tempo a corto di legnate, morivano miseramente di fame, loro, le loro mogli, i loro figli.
«Come quelli» disse Panurgo, «di cui parla Galeno, che non riescono a drizzare il nervo cavernoso verso il cerchio equatoriale se prima non li frustate di santa ragione62. Per San Tebaldo63, a me tutto il contrario! A me, chi mi frustasse così, mi farebbe cader di sella, per tutti i diavoli!›,
«Il modo è sempre lo stesso» disse il turcimanno. «Quando un monaco, un prete, un usuraio, un avvocato ce l'ha con qualche gentiluomo del suo paese, gli manda uno di questi Cagarogne, il quale lo minaccerà, lo citerà a comparire, lo oltraggerà, lo ingiurierà sfrontatamente, secondo i patti e le istruzioni ricevute; fintanto che il gentiluomo, se non è stramortito di sensi e più stupido di una rana girina, sarà costretto a prenderlo a legnate, a piattonate sulla testa, a sgarrettarlo, o meglio ancora a buttarlo dai merli o dalle finestre del castello. Ed ecco fatto un Cagarogne ricco per quattro mesi, come se le legnate fossero la sua naturale mietitura. Infatti egli riceverà un ricco salario dal monaco, dall'usuraio o dall'avvocato, nonché un'indennizzo dal gentiluomo, a volte così grande e spropositato che il gentiluomo ci rimetterà tutto il suo avere, col pericolo, per soprappiù, di marcire miserabilmente in prigione come se avesse bastonato il re».
«Contro questo malanno» disse Panurgo, «conosco un rimedio molto efficace praticato dal signore di Basché»64.
«E quale?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Il signore di Basché» disse Panurgo, «era un uomo coraggioso, virtuoso, magnanimo e cavalleresco. Tornato da una lunga guerra, nella quale il duca di Ferrara, con l'aiuto dei Francesi, si era difeso valorosamente contro le furie di papa Giulio secondo, si trovò ad essere chiamato in giudizio ogni giorno, citato, querelato e vessato con ogni sorta di cavilli, ad arbitrio e passatempo del grasso priore di Saint Louand.
«Un giorno, mentre desinava con i suoi domestici (da quell'uomo semplice e alla mano che era), mandò a chiamare il suo fornaio (che aveva nome Loyre), la moglie di lui e il curato della sua parrocchia, di nome Oudart, che gli serviva da cantiniere, come si usava in Francia a quel tempo; e in presenza dei suoi gentiluomini e degli altri della sua casa disse loro:
«"Ragazzi, voi vedete quante angustie e quante seccature mi procurano ogni giorno quelle canaglie di Cagarogne. Sono arrivato al punto che ho deciso, se non mi aiutate, di lasciare il paese e di andare piuttosto al servizio del Soldano, fosse pure a casa del diavolo. Perciò, quando arriveranno qui, tenetevi pronti. Voi, Loyre, e vostra moglie, vi presenterete nella sala grande in ricchi abiti nuziali come se foste lì per sposarvi. Ecco qui cento scudi d'oro per mettere a punto i vostri bei costumi. Voi, signor Oudart, attenzione a comparire quand'è il momento con i vostri bei paramenti, la stola, l'acqua benedetta e tutto, come per benedire le nozze. E anche voi, Trudon (così si chiamava il suo tamburino) sarete là con flauto e tamburo. Appena recitata la formula e baciata la sposa, voi tutti comincerete a scambiarvi i cosiddetti ricordi di nozze, cioè i soliti buffetti, piccoli pugni e pacche amichevoli in segno d'allegria. Serviranno a svegliarvi l'appetito. Ma quando verrà il momento del Cagarogne, allora dategli addosso con botte da orbi come si batte la segale acerba. Non risparmiatelo: picchiate, menate, pestate a più non posso, mi raccomando. Prendete: vi dò questi bei guanti da torneo nuovi nuovi, coperti di camoscio. Un mostaccione con questi qui vale per dieci. Voi badate a menare per dritto e per traverso senza contare i colpi. I colpi li conterò io per sapere chi di voi mi ama di più. E non temete di dover rispondere alla giustizia: rispondo io per tutti. L'importante è ridere, menare e ridere, ridere e menare, come si usa in tutti i fidanzamenti"65.
«"Va bene" disse Oudart, "ma come faremo a riconoscere il Cagarogne? Perché in questa vostra casa, ogni giorno, entra un mare di gente da tutte le parti".
«"Ci ho già pensato" rispose Basché. "Quando si presenterà alla mia porta, a piedi o a cavallo di una rozza, un tipo con un grosso anello d'argento al dito pollice, quello è il Cagarogne. Il portiere, dopo averlo introdotto cortesemente, suonerà la campanella. Allora siate pronti a scendere in sala a recitare la commedia che vi ho detto".
«Proprio quel giorno, come Dio volle, suonò alla porta un vecchio Cagarogne dei più grossi e rossi. Cavalcatura da far pietà, scarponi bisunti, sacco gonfio di carte alla cintura, e al pollice sinistro il grosso anello d'argento: non c'era dubbio che non fosse lui. Il portiere gli fu cortese, lo introdusse con ogni riguardo e suonò allegramente la campanella. A quel segnale, Loyre e sua moglie indossano i loro abiti nuziali e si presentano in sala col più bel sorriso del mondo. Oudart esce dalla dispensa in cotta e stola, incontra il Cagarogne, torna indietro con lui e lo intrattiene lungamente a bere e a chiacchierare, dando tempo a tutti gli altri, chi qua chi là, di infilare i guantoni. "Siete arrivato proprio al momento giusto, gli dice. Il nostro padrone è in buona. Fra poco gran bisboccia: una processione di arrosti e di bolliti da paese della cuccagna. Siamo di nozze, oggi. Prendete, bevete e state allegro anche voi".
«Frattanto, Basché, visto che in sala tutto è ormai pronto, manda a chiamare Oudart, che arriva con la sua brava acqua benedetta, seguito dal Cagarogne. Il quale, resi i dovuti omaggi con le più umili riverenze, presenta a Basché l'immancabile citazione. Basché lo accoglie nel più amichevole dei modi, gli regala uno scudo e lo prega di assistere al matrimonio. Il Cagarogne accetta. E non ha di che dolersene; finché, verso la fine non comincia il gioco dei 'ricordi'. Perché, come venne la sua volta, lo festeggiarono così bene a rovescioni di guanto ferrato che si ritrovò più morto che vivo, con un occhio nero, otto costole rotte, lo sterno sfondato, gli omoplati a pezzi, la mascella inferiore a brandelli; e il tutto sempre ridendo. E Dio sa che parte vi ebbe e quanto gusto vi prese Oudart, mascherando con la manica della cotta il suo guanto di ermellino imbottito di ferro. Perché questo Oudart era un manigoldo di tutto rispetto.
«Così il Cagarogne se ne tornò a l'Ile-Bouchard tanto ben conciato come se fosse uscito dalle grinfie di una tigre ircana; contento e soddisfatto tuttavia del trattamento avuto dal signore di Basché; e con l'aiuto di qualche buon cerusico del paese, visse finché vi pare. Poi non se ne parlò più. La sua memoria spirò col suono delle campane che scampanarono al suo funerale».
CAPITOLO XIII
Come il signore di Basché loda i suoi domestici sull'esempio di Mastro Francesco Villon
«Uscito il Cagarogne dal castello e rimessosi in via, in groppa alla sua monocula equina (com'egli chiamava, latineggiando, la sua giumenta spelacchiata e guercia), Basché, seduto all'ombra di una pergola del suo giardino segreto, mandò a chiamare la consorte, le damigelle e tutta la sua gente; fece servire vino da colazione con ogni sorta di pasticci, prosciutti, frutta e formaggi, e poi che tutti ebbero bevuto e mangiato in grande allegrezza, parlò così:
«"Mastro Francesco Villon, quando cominciò a sentirsi vecchio, si rifugiò, per vivere in pace, a Saint-Maixent nel Poitou, sotto la protezione di un uomo dabbene, abate del luogo. Là, per offrire un passatempo alla gente del paese, pensò di far rappresentare la Passione nel dialetto e secondo costumi del Poitou. Distribuite le parti, provati gli attori, allestito il teatro, fece sapere al sindaco e agli scabini che il Mistero poteva essere pronto verso la fine della fiera di Niort. Non rimaneva che trovare gli abbigliamenti adatti ai personaggi, e a questo provvidero il sindaco e gli scabini. Lui, dovendo rimediare un costume per un vecchio contadino nella parte di Dio Padre, chiese a Stefano Batticoda, sacrestano dei Cordellieri del luogo, di prestargli una cotta e una stola. Batticoda rifiutò, adducendo che i loro statuti provinciali facevano rigoroso divieto di dare o prestare cosa alcuna che avesse a che fare col teatro. Villon replicò che quegli statuti riguardavano esclusivamente farse, mascherate e spettacoli dissoluti, come lui stesso aveva constatato a Bruxelles e altrove. Ciononostante, Batticoda gli disse perentoriamente che, se credeva, si provvedesse altrimenti e che nulla sperasse dalla sua sacrestia perché nulla ne avrebbe avuto. Villon ne riferì agli attori con parole di abominio, aggiungendo che Dio avrebbe fatto ben presto vendetta di Batticoda con punizione esemplare.
«"Il sabato seguente Villon fu avvertito che Batticoda, sulla puledra del convento (così chiamavano una giumenta non ancora coperta), era andato alla questua a Saint-Ligaire e che sarebbe stato di ritorno verso le due dopo mezzogiorno. Lui allora condusse in gran parata tutto il diavolame della Passione attraverso il mercato e per le vie della città. I diavoli erano tutti ingualdrappati di pelli di lupo, di vitello e di pecora; camuffati con teste di montone, corna di bue, grandi arnesi di cucina; cinti di grosse corregge dalle quali pendevano campani da vacche e sonagliere da muli che facevano un fracasso terribile. Alcuni recavano in mano certi bastoni neri pieni di razzi; altri portavano tizzoni accesi coi quali, gettandovi sopra a ogni incrocio mandate di resina in polvere, facevano grandi vampate e un fumo d'inferno. Avendoli così mostrati in giro con grande spasso del popolo e spavento dei bambini, alla fine li portò a banchettare in una cascina fuori di porta, lungo la strada di Saint-Ligaire. Arrivando alla cascina, vide di lontano Batticoda che tornava dalla questua e lo additò alla compagnia con versi maccaronici:
Hic est de patria natus de gente belistra,
qui solet antiquo bribas portare bisacco66.
«"– Sangue di Diana! – esclamarono i diavoli. – Non è lui che non ha voluto prestare uno straccio di stola a Dio Padre? Facciamogli venir la cacaiola, sangue di Diana!"
«"È quello che pensavo anch'io" disse Villon. "Nascondiamoci finché non passa di qui, e intanto preparate razzi e tizzoni".
«Giunto Batticoda davanti alla cascina, i diavoli saltarono fuori a sbarrargli la strada con grande tumulto, gettando fuoco da tutte le bande addosso a lui e alla sua giumenta, berciando e scampanando a più non posso. Uh, uh, uh, facevano, urrr, rurrr, sciò, sciò, sciò, rrron, rrrasc, buh, buh, frate Stefano, che te ne pare? Non siamo forse bravi? Non siamo diavoli in gamba?
«"Nitrendo e scoreggiando di terrore, la puledra s'impennò, prese la fuga, s'impuntò, rinculò, scalciò, scartò, sbarrò, sgroppò, trabalzò, finché Batticoda, che pure si teneva aggrappato all'arcione con tutte le sue forze, non fu sbalzato di sella. Ma non era finita, perché le staffe, che eran fatte di corda, si erano talmente aggrovigliate ch'egli vi rimase preso per un piede dalla parte del montatoio. La bestia, sempre più imbizzarrita e spaventata, tagliò per la campagna tirandoselo dietro a scuoiaculo attraverso siepi, steccati, cespugli, roveti e fossati, e continuando a tempestarlo di calci. Di modo che – la testa squinternata, il cervello spappolato, le budella seminate per via, le braccia spezzate uno qua e uno là, e le gambe lo stesso – di lui, quando la cavalla giunse al convento, non restava nient'altro che un sandalo appeso a una staffa con un piede di sacrestano dentro.
«"La prova era ben riuscita e Villon se ne rallegrò con i suoi bravi diavoli.
«"– Voi reciterete bene, disse, signori diavoli: reciterete bene, ve lo dico io. Oh se reciterete bene! E sfido tutto il diavolame di Saumur, di Doué, di Montmorillon, di Langeais, di Saint-Espin, di Angers, e persino, per Dio, di Poitiers, con tutto il loro bellissimo anfiteatro, a mettersi a gareggiare con voi. Oh sì, reciterete proprio bene!"
«"Così" disse Basché, "io prevedo, miei buoni amici, che d'ora in poi reciterete anche voi da maestri la nostra tragicommedia, visto che alla prima rappresentazione, al primo esperimento, avete gabbato e pestato così bene il nostro Cagarogne e lo avete solleticato così magistralmente. Da oggi vi raddoppio a tutti lo stipendio. Voi, amica mia, disse alla moglie, distribuirete le vostre ricompense come meglio vi parrà. Alle vostre mani e alla vostra sollecitudine è affidato tutto il mio tesoro. Quanto a me, in primo luogo bevo a tutti voi. Ecco fatto. È veramente buono e fresco al punto giusto. E adesso, voi, mastro di casa, prendete questo bacile d'argento. Ve lo dono. Voi, scudieri, prendete queste due coppe d'argento dorato; e che per tre mesi i vostri paggi non siano frustati. Voi, amica mia, donerete loro i più belli dei miei pennacchi bianchi coi bisantini d'oro. A voi, signor Oudart, faccio dono di questa bella bottiglia d'argento. Quest'altra la dono ai cuochi. Ai valletti di camera, questo cestello, anch'esso di puro argento; ai palafrenieri, questa piccola nassa d'argento dorato; ai portieri questi due piatti; ai mulattieri questi dieci cucchiai. Voi, Trudon, prendete quei cucchiaini e questa confettiera; e voi, staffieri, questa grande saliera. Servitemi bene, amici, e non avrete a lamentarvi di me. Perché, virtù di Dio, credo fermamente che preferirei pigliarmi in guerra cento piattonate sulla testa al servizio del nostro buon re, piuttosto che esser citato una sola volta da questi mastini di Cagarogne per lo spasso di quel grasso priore".
CAPITOLO XIV
Altri ricordi di nozze ai Cagarogne nella casa di Basché
«Quattro giorni dopo, sempre a richiesta del grasso priore, un altro Cagarogne alto e magro andò a citare Basché. Al suo arrivo il portiere lo riconobbe, suonò la campanella e tutta la gente del castello capì il latino. Loyre stava impastando il pane, sua moglie setacciava la farina, Oudart faceva i conti. I gentiluomini giocavano a palla. Il signore di Basché giocava a trecentotre con la moglie. Le damigelle giocavano agli aliossi. Gli officiali giocavano all'imperiale. I paggi alla morra a suon di buffetti. Tutti capirono immediatamente che Cagarogne era là. Ed ecco Oudart a infilare i paramenti; Loyre e sua moglie a indossare i loro bei costumi; Trudon a dar fiato ai suoi flauti e a battere il tamburo: tutti a ridere, tutti a prepararsi, guantoni ferrati alla mano, mentre Basché scendeva nella bassa corte.
«Incontrandolo, il Cagarogne si gettò in ginocchio davanti a lui; lo pregò di non prenderla a male se, per mandato del grasso priore, era costretto a citarlo; dimostrò con una dotta arringa come egli fosse persona pubblica, servitore della monacheria e cursore della mitria abbaziale, ma desideroso di poter fare altrettanto per lui e magari per l'ultimo stalliere delle sue scuderie, quando gli piacesse ingaggiarlo e comandarlo.
«"Non penserete" disse Basché, "che io vi permetta di citarmi senza aver prima assaggiato del mio buon vino di Quinquenais ed aver assistito alle nozze che stiamo per celebrare. Signor Oudart, fate che beva e si rinfreschi come si deve; poi conducetelo in sala. E voi, signor cursore, siate il benvenuto".
«Quando il Cagarogne, ben ristorato e meglio abbeverato, entrò nella sala con Oudart, tutti i personaggi della farsa erano là ai loro posti e ben risoluti. Tutti cominciarono a dispensare sorrisi, e Cagarogne a sorridere anche lui, per convenienza. Intanto Oudart farfugliava parole misteriose sui fidanzati; i fidanzati si toccavano la mano; tutti baciavano la sposa, e giù acqua benedetta che pareva piovesse. Poi, come vennero i confetti e i vini, cominciò la carambola dei 'ricordi'. Cagarogne se la faceva con Oudart. Oudart, che nascondeva il guanto ferrato sotto la cotta, lo calzò alla svelta come un monchino. Gli altri lo stesso. E tutti giù a menare addosso al Cagarogne, ridendo e motteggiando. "Nozze, nozze!" gridavano. "Ricordi di nozze!".
«Lo conciarono così bene che il sangue gli usciva dalla bocca, dal naso, dalle orecchie, dagli occhi. Per il resto (testa, nuca, schiena, petto, braccia e tutto), niente che non fosse pestato, contuso, fracassato. E vi posso dire che mai, neppure a carnevale fra i baccellieri di Avignone, fu giocato tanto armoniosamente a schiaffo del soldato67 come quel giorno a Basché, a schiaffo del magro cursore del grasso Priore. Alla fine il Cagarogne stramazzò a terra. Gli gettarono in faccia del vino, gli attaccarono alla manica del farsetto un bel nastro giallo e verde e lo rimisero sul suo cavallo moccicoso. Non so se arrivando all'Ile-Bouchard egli fosse ben curato e ben medicato dalla moglie e dai medici del paese. Ma nessuno ne parlò più.
«L'indomani punto e daccapo, perché, nel sacco e nelle bisacce del magro Cagarogne non era stato ritrovato il mandato di comparizione. E da parte del grasso priore fu inviata al signore di Basché una nuova citazione a mezzo di un nuovo Cagarogne assistito da due testimoni per maggior sicurezza.
«Il portiere, suonando la campanella, mise in allegria tutto il castello, perché ognuno capì che un Cagarogne era di nuovo là. Basché era a tavola con sua moglie e con i suoi gentiluomini. Manda a chiamare il Cagarogne, se lo fa accomodare vicino, fa sedere i testimoni accanto alle damigelle, e mangiarono bene e allegramente. Al dessert, Cagarogne si alza e, richiamata l'attenzione dei testimoni, presenta a Basché la sua brava citazione. Basché gli chiede graziosamente copia del mandato. Cagarogne l'aveva già pronta. Basché ne prende atto e gli fa dare, a lui e ai suoi testimoni, quattro scudi del sole. Intanto, chi qua chi là, tutti si preparavano alla farsa. Trudon comincia a suonare il tamburo. Basché prega il Cagarogne di assistere al fidanzamento di un suo uffiziale e di redigerne il contratto, pagando bene, naturalmente. Cagarogne, lusingato, sfodera il suo scrittoio. Gli vien data subito la carta. I testimoni gli sono accanto. Loyre entra in sala da una porta; la moglie con le damigelle da un'altra, in abiti nuziali. Oudart, in cotta e stola, prende loro le mani, li interroga sulle loro volontà e li asperge di acqua benedetta senza economia. Da una parte arrivano vini e confetti; da un'altra, a mucchi, nastri bianchi e bruni; da un'altra, di soppiatto, i guantoni da giostra.
CAPITOLO XV
Come il Cagarogne rinnova le antiche usanze nuziali
«Trangugiata una gran tazza di vin di Bretagna, Cagarogne disse a Basché:
«"Ma voi, signore, come la intendete? Niente doni? Niente ricordi di nozze? È proprio vero, perzio, che tutte le belle usanze di un tempo vanno alla malora. Dico io! Non si trova più nemmeno una lepre nel covo. Non c'è più un amico a cercarlo col lanternino. E dove sono finite le belle bevute che si facevano un tempo in tante chiese ai santi O O68 del santo Natale? Il mondo non fa che delirare. Il mondo va a rotoli. Si avvicina la fine. Io, per me, sto per le nozze all'antica. Tenete!". E cominciò a giocar di briscole con Basché, con la moglie e con le damigelle, senza far caso ai guantoni da giostra che entravano in ballo.
«E ballarono così bene che il Cagarogne n'ebbe rotta la testa in nove punti; a un testimone fu scaravoltato un braccio; a quell'altro fu smanicata la mandibola superiore per modo ch'essa gli copriva il mento a metà con denudazione dell'ugola e perdita insigne di denti molari, masticatorî e canini. A una diversa cadenza del tamburo, i guantoni sparirono alla chetichella come per incanto e si tornò ai vini e ai confetti con rinnovata allegria. Bevendo così alla salute gli uni degli altri e tutti alla salute del Cagarogne e dei suoi tirapiedi, Oudart rinnegava e malediceva i ricordi di nozze accusando uno dei testimoni di avergli disincornifistibulato tutta una spalla. Cionostante beveva alla sua salute. Il testimone smandibolato, a mani giunte, gli chiedeva perdono tacitamente perché parlare non poteva. Loyre accusava il testimone dal braccio rotto di avergli dato una tal botta al gomito che gli aveva tutto rincalcastravoltingranchinterulato il tallone.
«"Ma" diceva Trudon, "nascondendo l'occhio sinistro con il fazzoletto, e mostrando il suo tamburo con la battitora sfondata, che male vi ho fatto? Non vi bastava di avermi schizzimpestischiaccimpastisfragisfrittimperimpolpettato il mio povero occhio, che per giunta mi avete fracassato il mio tamburo? Cosa me ne faccio adesso? Una berretta per le corna del diavolo che se lo porti? Io sapevo che a nozze si suonano i tamburi, non i tamburini: i tamburini, Cristo, si festeggiano!"
«"Fratello" gli disse il Cagarogne tutto mencio, "io ti darò una bella, grande, vecchia pergamena reale che ho qui nella mia bisaccia per rifare la pelle al tuo tamburo; e perdonaci in nome di Dio. Ti giuro, per Nostra Signora della Riviera, la bella Nostra Signora, ti giuro che non l'ho fatto apposta".
«Uno degli scudieri, che incespicando e zoppicando contraffaceva il buono e nobile signore della Roche Posay69, si volse al testimone smascellato e gli disse:
«"Ma voi cosa diamine siete, appaltoni o paltonieri? Non vi bastava di avermi marcascavezzasdrucimburattasbattisfrondolato tutte le membra superiori a giuggioloni, senza bisogno di tribbiarincrocchiezzanchetetrapestisbrendolarmi gli stinchi con le punte dei vostri stivali? E poi li chiamate scherzi. Altro che scherzi, perdio!"
«Il testimone, a mani giunte, sembrava chiedergli perdono, borbugliando con la lingua penzoloni: "Fi, fi, fi, blabù, blablà", come una marmotta.
«La sposina novella, piangendo rideva e ridendo piangeva, per via che Cagarogne, dopo averla scaruffata orribilmente, si era permesso di tramestignocchinpottamandalculstrastrufrignarle le sue vergogne a tradimento.
«"Merda a quel diavolo d'inferno che ci ha messo la coda!" imprecava Basché. "Doveva proprio capitare qui questo signor Del Re (così si chiamavano per solito i Cagarogne) a malmenarmi a questo modo la mia vecchia, cara schiena! Ma tant'è, non gliene voglio: son carezze nuziali. Però devo dire che cita come un angelo e mena come un diavolo. Ha un non so che del frate puttaniere. Simpaticone! Bevo di cuore alla sua salute e anche alla vostra, signori testimoni".
«"Ma io cosa c'entro?" diceva la moglie. "A che proposito e con quale diritto questo signore mi ha tanto festeggiato la schiena a suon di pugni? Mica mi piace tanto questa storia. Che il diavolo se lo porti, se mi piace! Però, per Diana, devo dire che ha le dita più dure ch'io abbia mai sentito sulle mie spalle".
«Il mastro di casa teneva il braccio al collo, tutto fasciato, come se glielo avessero strascaravoltolato malamente:
«"Dev'essere stato il diavolo" diceva, "che mi ha invitato a queste nozze. Virtù di Dio! Ho le braccia ridotte a rocchi di salciccia. E voi li chiamate fidanzamenti? Io li chiamerei scagazzamenti di merda. Questo, per Dio, è tale e quale il banchetto dei Lapiti70 descritto dal filosofo di Samosata".
«Cagarogne non aprì bocca. I testimoni non la finivano di scusarsi: erano stati troppo maneschi, ma lo avevano fatto senza malizia. E allora, tenuto conto del dimitte nobis71, si poteva anche perdonarli.
«Così se ne partirono. A mezza lega di là, il Cagarogne accusò un certo malessere. Arrivati all'Ile-Bouchard, i testimoni raccontarono a tutti che mai non avevano conosciuto persona più dabbene del signore di Basché, né una casa più ospitale della sua. Dissero anche di non aver mai assistito a nozze paragonabili e che la colpa era tutta loro che avevano cominciato a menare per primi, con la storia delle vecchie usanze.
«Da quella volta fu tenuto per certo che, per i Cagarogne e i loro manutengoli, il denaro di Basché era più pernicioso, pestilente ed esiziale di quel che non fosse stato anticamente l'oro di Tolosa e il cavallo Seiano per quelli che li possedettero72. Basché fu lasciato in pace e le nozze di Basché passarono in proverbio».
CAPITOLO XVI
Come frate Giovanni mette alla prova i Cagarogne del paese di Procura
«Questo racconto» disse Pantagruele, «sarebbe divertente se non fosse che non bisogna mai dimenticarsi del timor di Dio».
«Meglio sarebbe stato» disse Epistemone, «se la gragnola di quei guanti da giostra fosse caduta addosso al grasso priore. I cazzotti sarebbero stati degno ornamento della sua testa rasa, viste le spaventose concussioni perpetrate ogni giorno tra questi giudici pedanei sotto l'olmo73. Perché pigliarsela con quei poveri diavoli di Procuratori?»
«A questo proposito» disse Pantagruele, «mi viene in mente la storia di un antico gentiluomo romano chiamato Lucio Nerazio. Era di nobile famiglia e ricca al tempo suo. Ma gli frullava sempre in testa una qualche tirannica stravaganza. Ogni volta che usciva dal suo palazzo, voleva che i suoi valletti avessero le bisacce piene di monete d'oro e d'argento; e incontrando per le strade certi cacazibetti agghindati di tutto punto, senza essere minimamente provocato da costoro, per suo gusto, li prendeva a pugni in faccia. Poi subito, per calmarli e dissuaderli dal ricorrere alla giustizia, li gratificava del suo denaro in modo da renderli contenti e soddisfatti secondo le disposizioni di una legge delle Dodici Tavole. E così impiegava le sue rendite picchiando la gente a pagamento».
«Per la sacra botte di San Benedetto» disse frate Giovanni, «adesso saprò cosa c'è di vero!». Poi scese a terra, cacciò dalla borsa venti scudi del sole e mostrandoli alla folla dei Cagarogne che gremiva il molo, gridò: «Chi di voi vuol guadagnare venti scudi d'oro facendosi picchiare alla diavola, come viene viene?».
«Io, io io!»74 risposero tutti. «Voi ci gonfierete di botte, signore, questo è sicuro. Ma venti scudi sono una bella somma, perdio!». E tutti facevano ressa per essere i primi a farsi picchiare così profittevolmente.
Fra Giovanni scelse fra tutti un Cagarogne dal muso rosso che portava al pollice destro un largo e spesso anello d'argento, nel cui castone era legata un'enorme batrachite.
A questa scelta, notai che tutto il popolo mugugnava, e udii un grande, giovane e magro Cagarogne (uomo accorto, di eletta dottrina e, a quel che si diceva, molto stimato fra gli ecclesiastici di curia) il quale si lamentava e mormorava perché quel muso rosso si accapparrava lui tutte le pratiche e, se in tutto il paese ci fossero state trenta legnate da guadagnare, lui ne avrebbe incassate almeno ventotto e mezza. Ma tutte queste lamentele e mormorazioni non procedevano che da invidia.
Fra Giovanni picchiò tanto e stratanto Muso Rosso – schiena, pancia, braccia, gambe, testa e tutto, a randellate da far secco un bue – che lo credetti morto ammazzato. Invece quel villano, non appena frate Giovanni gli ebbe contato i venti scudi, eccolo dritto in piedi, beato come un re, magari due. E gli altri intanto a far la corte a fra Giovanni.
«Signor frate Diavolo» dicevano, «se vi piacesse di picchiare ancora qualcuno, anche a minor prezzo, siamo tutti a vostra disposizione, signor Diavolo. Siamo tutti, tuttissimi al vostro servizio: carte, cartelle, cartigli, cartilagini, penne, calamari, inchiostri e tutto».
A sentir questo, Muso Rosso si scagliò contro di loro, gridando:
«Baldoria di Dio, fannulloni! Cosa pretendete, di farla da padroni nella mia bottega e sedurre i miei clienti e portarmeli via? Ma io vi cito tutti in tribunale prima di stasera, e pirilimpimpera! Io vi perseguo e vi mantrugio peggio dei diavoli di Valverde!»75
Poi, volgendosi a frate Giovanni col più bel sorriso del mondo, gli disse:
«Reverendo padre Diavolo, signore, se vi siete reso conto che ho della stoffa e se vi accomoda di bastonarmi ancora, potrei venirvi incontro sul prezzo fino al cinquanta per cento. Siete pregato di non risparmiarmi. Sono tutto e stratutto a vostra disposizione, signor Diavolo: testa, polmoni, budella e il resto. Ve lo dico con tutta l'anima!»
Frate Giovanni non lo stette nemmeno a sentire e se ne andò per fatti suoi; mentre gli esclusi si raccomandavano a Panurgo, a Epistemone, a Ginnasta e agli altri di picchiarli a qualunque prezzo: altrimenti rischiavano di restare a digiuno per un mese. Ma nessuno diede loro ascolto.
Poi, mentre andavamo in cerca d'acqua fresca per le ciurme e mentre già Pantagruele, tornando sulla sua ammiraglia, faceva suonare la ritirata, incontrammo due vecchie del luogo che piangevano e si lamentavano fra loro miserevolmente. Pensammo che fossero parenti del Cagarogne bastonato da frate Giovanni e le interrogammo sul motivo dei loro lamenti. Esse risposero che piangevano a ben giusta ragione, essendo che proprio allora era stato messo il monaco al collo ai due più gran galantuomini di tutto il Cagarognese.
«I miei paggi» disse Ginnasta, «mettono il monaco ai piedi dei loro compagni dormiglioni; per cui, mettere il monaco al collo sarebbe come impiccare e strangolare la gente».
«Eh, eh» disse frate Giovanni, «verità di Vangelo!»
Interrogate sulle cause di quell'impiccagione, le vecchie risposero che i poverini avevano rubato i ferri della messa e li avevano nascosti nel manico della chiesa76.
«Quali orrende metafore mi tocca di sentire!» disse Epistemone.
CAPITOLO XVII
Come Pantagruele approdò alle isole Tohu e Bohu77 e della strana morte del gigante Mandagiù, gran mangiatore di mulini a vento
Quello stesso giorno Pantagruele fece scalo alle isole Tohu e Bohu, dove non trovammo di che friggere78: Mandagiù, il gran gigante, in mancanza di mulini a vento, dei quali si pasceva abitualmente, aveva trangugiato tutte le padelle, padelloni, paioli, cazzeruole, leccarde e marmitte del paese. Col risultato che sul far del giorno, al momento della digestione, era stato colto da un grave malore, per una certa crudezza di stomaco, causata dal fatto, come dicevano i medici, che il potere di concozione del suo ventricolo, commisurato per natura alla digestione di mulini a vento ad ali spiegate, non aveva potuto digerire compiutamente le padelle e le leccarde; pur avendo digerito benissimo marmitte e cazzeruole, come appariva, sempre a detta dei medici, dalle ipostasi e dagli eneoremi dei quattro barili di orina che aveva reso in due pisciate nella mattinata.
Per soccorrerlo furono usati tutti gli espedienti contemplati dall'arte. Ma il male fu più forte dei rimedi. E quella stessa mattina il nobile Mandagiù passava a miglior vita in modo tanto strano che non avrete più motivo di far le meraviglie per la strana morte di Eschilo, al quale gli oracoli avevano predetto che il tal giorno egli sarebbe morto a causa di qualcosa che doveva cadergli addosso.
Il giorno destinato, Eschilo si allontanò dalla città, dalle case e da ogni altra altura (alberi, rocce) che, cadendo, potesse fargli danno. E si fermò nel mezzo di una grande prateria, rimettendosi alla benignità del cielo libero e aperto, in sicura sicurezza, com'egli credeva, salvo veramente il caso che il cielo stesso gli cadesse addosso; cosa che gli pareva impossibile; benché si dica che le allodole temono grandemente un crollo dei cieli, perché, cadendo i cieli, resterebbero tutte prese.
Lo stesso timore avevano un tempo i Celti della valle del Reno, cioè a dire i nobili, valorosi, cavallereschi, bellicosi e vittoriosi Francesi. Un giorno che Alessandro il Grande voleva sapere da loro quale cosa al mondo temessero di più e li interrogava nella speranza di sentirsi rispondere che temevano lui solo, in considerazione delle sue prodezze, vittorie, conquiste e dei suoi grandi trionfi, si sentì risponder che loro non avevano paura di niente, se non che il cielo cadesse; e che, tuttavia, non avevano nulla in contrario a far lega, a federarsi e a stringere un patto di amicizia con un sì valoroso e magnanimo re. Questo, se vi va di credere a Strabone, lib. VII, e ad Ariano, lib. I. Anche Plutarco, nel suo libro Sulla faccia che appare sul corpo della luna, parla di un certo Fenace, il quale temeva seriamente che la luna potesse cadere sopra la terra e nutriva commiserazione e pietà per quelli che vi abitano sotto come gli Etiopi e i Taprobanesi, nel caso che una così grande massa ruinasse sopra di loro. Come pure temeva che il cielo e la terra potessero precipitare quando gli venisse meno l'appoggio e il sostegno delle colonne di Atlante che li tengono su, com'era opinione degli antichi, secondo la testimonianza di Aristotele, lib. V, Meta ta phys. E, quanto ad Eschilo voi sapete che un'aquila, avendo scambiato la sua testa pelata per un sasso idoneo allo scopo, vi lasciò cader sopra dall'alto una tartaruga per romperne il guscio, ed egli ne morì col cervello fracassato.
Né dovrete ormai stupirvi più che tanto del poeta Anacreonte che morì strangolato da un acino d'uva. Né di Fabio, pretore romano, che morì soffocato da un pelo di capra, sorbendo una scodella di latte. Né di quel tale che reprimeva per vergogna le proprie ventosità e che, per non aver liberato in tempo una miserabile scoreggia, morì all'istante, al cospetto di Claudio imperatore romano79. Né di quell'altro, sepolto a Roma sulla via Flaminia, il quale, nel suo epitaffio, si duole di essere morto per il morso di una gatta al dito mignolo80. Né di Quinto Lecanio Basso che morì improvvisamente a causa di una puntura d'ago al polso della mano sinistra, una puntura così piccola che si vedeva appena. Né di Quenelaut, medico normanno, che per essersi tolto a strappo un pellicello dalla mano con un temperino, morì in un batter d'occhio. Né di Filemone, del quale sappiamo che un giorno il suo valletto, avendogli apprestato un antipasto di fichi novelli, si allontanò per provvedere al vino. Un coglionaccio d'asino randagio, entrato in casa e trovati quei fichi incustoditi, prese a mangiarli religiosamente. Filemone essendo sopraggiunto e avendo osservato la grazia di quell'asino sicofago, disse al valletto che tornava: «Poiché hai dato in pasto i miei fichi a quest'asino così devoto, ragion vuole che tu, da bere, gli offra adesso di questo buon vino che hai portato». E così dicendo fu preso da una tale ilarità e scoppiò a ridere così enormemente e così irrefrenabilmente che, per eccesso di contrazione della milza, gli mancò il respiro e morì sul momento.
Né vi parrà piú tanto straordinaria la sorte di Spurio Sanfeio che morì sorbendo un uovo fresco all'uscita dal bagno. Né di quel tale che il Boccaccio racconta essere morto per essersi pulito i denti con un fuscello di salice. Né di Filippotto Placut che, essendo sano e vegeto, morì di colpo pagando un vecchio debito, senza aver prima conosciuto malattia. Né del pittore Zeusi che morì su due piedi dal gran ridere che fece considerando l'espressione di un ritratto di vecchia da lui stesso dipinto. Né di mille altri casi che potrebbero citarsi, sia da Verrio, sia da Plinio, sia da Valerio Massimo, sia da Battista Fulgoso, sia da Baccaberio il Vecchio81. Perché il nostro nobile Mandagiù morì, aimè, strangolato, mangiando un cantuccio di burro davanti alla bocca di un forno caldo, secondo la prescrizione dei medici.
Prima di partirci di là, venimmo inoltre a sapere che il re di Cullan in Bohu aveva sconfitto i satrapi del re Mechloth e messo a sacco le fortezze di Nessuno.
Passammo poi per le isole di Zicche e Zacche, nonché per le isole di Teleniabin e Geneliabin, assai belle e frugifere in fatto di clisteri.
Poi per le isole di Enig e di Evig, dalle quali eta già partito lo sfregio per il langravio di Hess82.
CAPITOLO XVIII
Come Pantagruele scampò a una forte tempesta di mare
Il giorno dopo, navigando a poggia, incontrammo nove orche cariche di monaci: Giacobiti, Gesuiti, Cappuccini, Eremiti, Agostiniani, Bernardini, Celestini, Teatini, Egnatini, Amadeani, Cordiglieri, Carmelitani, Minimi, Mercedari, e altri santi religiosi, che andavano tutti al Concilio di Chesil per spulciare gli articoli di fede contro i nuovi eretici.
Al vederli, Panurgo più che rallegrarsi esultò addirittura, traendone sicuro auspicio di buona fortuna per quella giornata e per un lungo seguito di giorni a venire.
Dopo aver salutato cortesemente i beati padri e aver raccomandato la salute dell'anima alle loro preghiere e giaculatorie, fece gettare sulle loro navi settantotto dozzine di prosciutti, gran quantità di caviale, decine di cervellate, centinaia di bottarghe e duemila bei ducati per le anime dei defunti.
Pantagruele intanto se ne stava in disparte taciturno e pensoso. Fra Giovanni se ne accorse e si domandava donde gli venisse quell'insolito malumore; quando il pilota, considerando il volteggiare della banderuola di poppa a prevedendo un turbine, un fortunale subitaneo e violento, comandò che tutti stessero all'erta, marinai, mozzi, nocchieri e passeggeri; fece ammainare la vela di mezzana, la contromezzana, la vela di fortuna, la vela maestra, la vela di bompresso, la civadiera; fece calar le boline, il trinchetto di prora, il trinchetto di gabbia, il grande artimone, e di tutto il sartiame non restarono su che le griselle e le costiere.
Subitamente il mare cominciò a gonfiarsi dal profondo abisso; i giganteschi marosi a percuotere i fianchi dei nostri vascelli; e il maestrale, traendo seco tempesta furibonda, con turbini orrendi e raffiche mortali, a sibilare fra gli alberi e le antenne. Ed ecco il cielo tuonare dall'alto, e fiammeggiare e piovere e grandinare; e l'aria perdere la sua trasparenza, e divenire opaca, tenebrosa, nera, talché altra luce non appariva – fra tempeste, burrasche, rovesci, uragani – che di squarci di fuoco fra le nubi, fulmini, baleni, scoppi, saette ed altre eiaculazioni dell'etere che avvampavano i nembi attorno a noi. E noi lì con le nostre facce sbigottite e stravolte; e onde come montagne sospinte dalla bufera a incombere su di noi. Pareva, credetemi, l'antico Caos, nel quale il fuoco e l'aria, il mare e la terra e tutti gli elementi, ancora mescolati e indomiti, formavano una sola ribollente congerie.
Panurgo, dopo aver ben pasciuto i pesci mangiamerda del contenuto del suo stomaco, rimase lì rannicchiato sul cassero, tutto afflitto, avvilito e mezzo morto. Invocava tutti i santi del paradiso senza scordarne uno; protestava di volersi confessare a tempo e luogo; faceva voti a non finire; poi d'improvviso, come impazzito, cominciò a scalmanarsi e a gridare:
«Ahò, maggiordomo, amico mio, zio mio, padre mio, serviteci, di grazia, un po' di salati, che da bere, fra poco, ne avremo anche troppo, a quel che vedo! Mangia di meno, bevi di più! Sarà questa, per sempre, la mia divisa. Oh, piacesse a Dio e alla Vergine benedetta e sacra e santa, che io fossi già, dico adesso, hic et nunc, ilico et immediate, sopra la terra ferma, sano e tranquillo!
«O mille, tremila volte beati coloro che piantano cavoli! E voi Parche maligne, perché non mi filaste piantacavoli? Troppo pochi son quelli cui Giove benignamente destinò a piantar cavoli! Perché loro, perdio, male che vada, hanno sempre un piede sopra la terra e l'altro poco lontano. Dìsputi e sermoneggi chi vuole sulla felicità e sul bene supremo. Ma chi coltiva cavoli, per cornuto che sia, io qui per mio decreto, lo dichiaro felicissimo fra tutti; e ciò a ben più forte ragione che non facesse Pirrone di Elide, che essendo in egual pericolo e vedendo un maiale che pasteggiava a orzo, sparso da chi sa chi lungo la riva, lo dichiarò due volte felice, perché di orzo ne aveva a volontà e per giunta toccava terra.
«Oh, qual maniero deifico e regale, il parquet delle vacche! Quest'ondata di merda ci porterà via, Dio salvatore! Un po' di aceto, amici, che son tutto un sudore per l'affanno. Aimè, le drizze son già rotte, il cavo di prua va in pezzi, le redance partono, l'albero di coffa è già partito, la carena è al sole, le gomene non tengono più. Talatta, talatta! Dove sono le nostre boline? Tutto è perduto, perdio! Il nostro trinchetto è in balia delle onde. Talatta, talatta! Di chi saranno questi rottami? Amici, portatemi al riparo di una di queste rembate. Ragazzi, il vostro andrivello è caduto! Aimè, non mollate la barra, e nemmeno i tirados! Sento gemere il timone. Non sarà mica rotto! Perdio, salviamo la braga! Lasciate perdere il frenello! Bebebe! Bus bus bus bus! E voi, signor Astrofilo, badate all'ago della vostra bussola e diteci di grazia da che sfintere del diavolo si è scatenato questo fortunale. In fede mia, mi sa che ho paura di morire. Bu bu bu, bus bus. Sono spacciato. Mi cago addosso dalla paura maledetta che ho. Otto. to to to to, ti! Bu bu bu, uh uh, uh, bus bus. Annego. Annego. Io muoio, buona gente, annego!»
CAPITOLO XIX
Come si comportarono Panurgo e fra Giovanni durante la tempesta
Pantagruele, implorato l'aiuto del gran Dio nostro Salvatore e recitata una pubblica preghiera, reggeva alto e fermo l'albero maestro, assecondando il consiglio del pilota. Fra Giovanni si era messo in farsetto per aiutare i marinai. Epistemone, Ponocrate e tutti gli altri si davano da fare. Solamente Panurgo se ne stava incantucciato, con il culo incollato alla tolda, piangendo e lamentando.
Fra Giovanni, passando per la corsia, lo vide e gli gridò:
«Per Dio, Panurgo cacone, Panurgo urlone, Panurgo boccalone, faresti meglio a darci una mano, invece di star lì a piangere come una vacca, seduto sui tuoi coglioni come un babbuino».
«Be be be, bus bus bus» rispose Panurgo, «fra Giovanni, amico mio, mio buon padre, non vedi che affogo? Affogo, amico mio, affogo! Sono spacciato, padre mio spirituale, amico mio: è fatta è finita! Neanche la tua scimitarra potrebbe salvarmi! Talatta, talatta! Siamo di un tono più in su del cantino, fuori di tutta la gamma. Bebe be bus bus! E adesso più in basso del tono più basso del contrabbasso! Io affogo! Oh, padre mio, zio mio, mio tutto! L'acqua mi è entrata nelle scarpe dal colletto. Bus bus bus, pesc, hu hu hu, ah ah ah ah. Affogo! Talatta talatta! Gambe a monte, testa a valle. Ma perché non giochiamo a quercia forcuta?83 Piacesse a Dio ch'io fossi là su quell'orca dei buoni e beati padri concilipeti che incontrammo questa mattina, così devoti, così ben pasciuti, così giocondi, così morbidi e aggraziati! Ohioioi, ohioioi! Talatta, talatta! Quest'onda di tutti i diavoli (mea culpa, Deus) dico quest'onda di Dio squarcerà la nostra nave. Salvami, fra Giovanni, padre mio, amico mio. Confessione, Confessione. Eccomi ai tuoi piedi! Confiteor! La tua santa benedizione!»
«Muoviti, che il diavolo t'impicchi alle sue corna» rispose fra Giovanni. «Vienci ad aiutare, per trenta legioni di vecchi diavoli! Ti muovi sì o no?»
«Non bestemmiamo, padre mio, amico mio!» disse Panurgo. «Non in questo momento. Domani sì, quanto ti pare. Non vedi che imbarchiamo acqua! Ohioioi, ohioioi! Affogo! Be be be, bus bus bus! Siamo bell'e a fondo. Talatta, talatta! Regalo centomila scudi di rendita a chi mi porta a riva, così merdoso e smerdato come sono, che mai ce ne fu uno più smerdato di me nella mia patria di merda. Confiteor! Talatta, talatta! Due paroline di testamento, o almeno un codicillo!»
«Che mille diavoli si spartiscano le budella di questo cornuto!» gridò fra Giovanni. «Virtù di Dio! Proprio adesso, che abbiamo l'acqua alla gola e che dobbiamo mettercela tutta, mi viene a parlare di testamento! Il caro comite! Il mio dolcetto! Il gentile aguzzino! Vieni o non vieni? Gli pesa il culo, a lui! Di qua, Ginnasta, sullo stentarolo! Virtù di Dio! È la volta buona! Tenetevi! Siamo fottuti. Aléeee! Si è spento il fanale. E questo se ne va a tre miliardi di diavoli».
«Aimè, aimè!» piagnucolava Panurgo. «Bu, bu, bu, bu, bus! Talatta, talatta! Era dunque destino che venissimo a morire proprio qui? Ohioioi, ohioioi, brava gente, io sprofondo, affogo, muoio, defungo! Consummatum est! Son cucinato!».
«Magnagnà, gnugnugnù, gnegnegnè» disse fra Giovanni. «Pfu, che schifo! Guardatelo, quel geremia di merda! Oh, mozzo, per tutti i diavoli, attento alla pompa! Ti sei ferito? Virtù di Dio! Attaccati alla bitta, qui, di là, per Dio! Ecco, così, ragazzo mio!»
«Ah! fra Giovanni» implorava Panurgo, «padre mio spirituale, amico mio, non sacramentiamo. Tu commetti peccato. Talatta, talatta, Bebebebus bus bus, io annego, io muoio, amici miei! Mi pento! Perdono a tutti. In manus tuas! Bus bus bus! Ad te clamavi! Buuuuuus! San Michele, San Nicola, questa volta o mai più! Io faccio qui voto solenne a voi e al Salvatore Signor Nostro, che se mi date una mano adesso, se mi mettete a terra, voglio dire, al sicuro e all'asciutto, io vi edifico una bella, piccola, grande, graziosa, gaudiosa, hermosa, fastosa chiesetta o due,
Fra Cande e Montsoreau in un praticello
che non vi pasce vacca né vitello84.
«Talatta, talatta! Me n'è entrato in bocca più di diciotto secchi o due! Bus bus, bus bus! Cribbio se è amara l'acqua salata!»
«Per la virtù del sangue, della carne e della testa di chi so io!» gli gridò fra Giovanni. «Se ti sento ancora pigolare, becco del diavolo, ti faccio fare il ballo del lupo di mare! Ma perché non lo buttiamo in pasto agli squali? Dacci dentro, spalliere, amico mio, Ecco, così! Tenete duro lassù! Ecco un lampo come si deve. Anche il tuono, mica male. Mi sa che oggi i diavoli fanno baldoria. Proserpina ha le doglie del parto. E i sottodiavoli ballano la moresca con le sonagliere!»
CAPITOLO XX
Come i nocchieri abbandonano le navi nel pieno della tempesta
«Ah fra Giovanni, tu commetti peccato!» disse Panurgo. «Tu commetti peccato, mio caro amico di un tempo. Dico di un tempo, perché ormai siamo ombre, noi: ormai non ci siamo più. Mi dispiace a dirtelo. Lo so che a bestemmiare così fa un gran bene alla milza. Come il tagliaboschi, che se uno gli fa han! nelle orecchie a ogni colpo di scure che dà, lui prova un gran sollievo. Lo stesso il giocatore di birilli quando sbaglia la mira, che si consola mirabilmente se un amico di spirito al suo fianco si torce tutto, testa e busto, dalla parte dove la boccia andrebbe a cogliere i birilli se fosse tirata giusta. Ma tu pecchi tuttavia, mio dolce amico. Perché, dico io, non proviamo a mangiare un po' di cabirottada?85 Ho letto che i sacerdoti degli dèi Cabiri – tanto celebrati da Orfeo, Apollonio, Ferecide, Erodoto e Pausania – quando andavano per mare, non c'era tempesta che gli potesse far danno. Lo dice anche Strabone».
«Tu strabonicoli di testa, disgraziato!» disse fra Giovanni. «Ma perché non te ne vai a mille centinaia di milioni di diavoli, beccaccione della malora? Aiutaci, cuor di leone! Mi senti? Qui. A babordo! Testa di Dio piena di reliquie smesse! Che paternostri da scimmia stai lì a borbottare fra i denti! Bel campione di mentecatto di mare! È lui che ci ha tirato addosso la tempesta. E invece di aiutare la ciurma se ne sta chiotto chiotto a guardare come un allocco: solo lui! Per Dio, se riesco ad arrivarti addosso, saprai cos'è un diavolo quando tempesta! Dà qui, moretto. Reggi forte, ragazzo mio, che ci facciamo un nodo greco! Oh il gentil mozzo! Piacesse a Dio che tu fossi abate di Talemouze! e quello che c'è adesso lo mandassero a fare il guardiano ai cordiglieri di Croulay! Ponocrate, fratello mio, finirai per farti del male. Epistemone, attento alla gelosia, che ci ho visto passeggiare un fulmine».
«Issa!»
«Ben detto! Issa, issa, issa! Su la scialuppa! Issa, issa! Virtù di Dio, guarda là! La testa di moro è in pezzi. Tuonate, diavoli, petate, ruttate, scagazzate! Merda alle onde! Questa, virtù di Dio, per un pelo non mi ha buttato a mare. Io credo che tutta la caterva dei diavoli tenga qui il suo capitolo provinciale. Magari stanno brigando per l'elezione del nuovo rettore».
«Orza, orza!»
«Ben detto! Occhio al bozzello! Mozzo, attenzione, in nome del diavolo! Orza, Orza!»
«Bebebebus bus bus» barbugliava Panurgo, «bus, bus, be be be, bu bus, affogo. Non vedo né cielo né terra. Talatta, talatta! Dei quattro elementi c'è rimasto soltanto il fuoco e l'acqua. Busbusbus bus bus! Piacesse alla santa virtù di Dio che a quest'ora io mi trovassi nella vigna di Seuillé, o da Innocenzo il pasticciere, davanti alla cantina dipinta di Chinon, a costo di mettermi in farsetto per cuocere i pasticcini. Nostromo, non potreste depositarmi a riva, voi che mi hanno detto che sapete fare un po' di tutto! Vi regalo il mio feudo del Guazzetto con tutta la prateria dei maggiolini, se mi fate toccar terra. Talatta, talatta! Affogo! Da bravi, cari amici, se qui non c'è uno straccio di porto tranquillo, mettiamoci alla rada, non so dove. Gettate le ancore. Tiriamoci fuori da quest'inferno, vi scongiuro. Nostromo amatissimo, calate la sonda, di grazia, che almeno sappiamo la profondità. Sondate, sondate, in nome di Dio. Ch'io sappia almeno se qui si può bere tranquillamente in piedi senza doversi chinare. Come credo›.
«Il cavo, il cavo!» gridò il pilota. «Mano alla drizza. Tira! Molla! Tira. La drizza, la drizza! Alla cappa! Imbroglia maestra! Sciogli la barra! Alla cappa, alla cappa!».
«Al punto in cui siamo» disse Pantagruele, «c'è solo da sperare che il buon Dio ci aiuti».
«Imbroglia trinchetto!» gridò Giacometto Brahier, mastro pilota. «Alla cappa, alla cappa! E che ognuno pensi all'anima sua e dica le sue preghiere. Solo un miracolo del cielo: non c'è altra speranza».
«Facciamo un bel voto da giubileo» disse Panurgo. «Talatta, talatta! Bu, bu, bebebebu, bu, bu. Affittiamo un pellegrino. Ci vado io in Terra Santa, tutto pagato. Qua i soldi e che ognuno ci metta la sua parte».
«Di qua, di qua» gridò frate Giovanni. «Di qua, per tutti i diavoli! A tribordo! Mettete alla cappa, in nome di Dio! Sciogli la barra! Alla cappa, alla cappa! Ma intanto beviamo. E che sia del migliore. Capito, lassù, maggiordomo? Tirate fuori e servite, prima che vada al diavolo anche quello. E tu, paggio, porta qui la mia piumata (così egli chiamava il suo breviario)86. Aspetta! Tieni duro, amico mio, così! Virtù di Dio! Ecco della buona grandine e dei fulmini ben fucinati! Non mollate lassù, ve ne prego! Quando avremo la festa di tutti i santi? Perché oggi mi pare che sia la festa di tutti i diavoli».
«Aimè» disse Panurgo, «fra Giovanni si danna di sicuro. Che amico mi toccherà di perdere! Talatta, talatta! peggio dell'anno scorso! Andiamo da Scilla a Cariddi. Talatta, talatta! Aiuto! Affogo! Confiteor! Due righe di testamento. Qui, proprio qui, su questo strapuntino».
CAPITOLO XXI
Continuazione della tempesta e breve discorso sui testamenti fatti in mare
«Far testamento adesso» disse Epistemone, «mentre dovremmo darci tutti da fare con la ciurma per non andare a fondo, mi sembra altrettanto importuno e fuor di luogo quanto i piagnistei delle guardie del corpo e dei madamini di Giulio Cesare, quando invase la Gallia; che si gingillavano a far testamenti e codicilli quand'era invece il momento di correre alle armi e dare addosso ad Ariovisto, ch'era il loro nemico. O saremo tanto sciocchi come quel carrettiere cui si era rovesciato il carro in una stoppia, che invece di pungolare i buoi e metter mano alle ruote, implorava Ercole in ginocchio perché lo aiutasse? A che ti giova far testamento qui? Infatti, o noi scamperemo al pericolo, o affogheremo tutti. Se la scampiamo non ti serve a niente, perché i testamenti non sono validi né autorizzati se non per morte del testatore. Se invece affoghiamo, forse che il testamento non andrà a fondo con noi? E chi lo porterà agli esecutori?»
«Qualche onda benigna,» rispose Panurgo, «lo deporrà sulla riva, come accadde ad Ulisse; e qualche figlia di re, che vi andrà per giocare in un giorno sereno, lo troverà. Lo farà eseguire come si deve, e mi farà erigere presso il mare un magnifico cenotafio, come fece Didone al marito Sicheo; Enea a Deifobo sul lido di Troia presso Roete; Andromaca ad Ettore nella città di Butroto; Aristotele ad Ermia ed Eubulo; gli Ateniesi al poeta Euripide; i Romani a Druso, in Germania, e ad Alessandro Severo imperatore, in Gallia; Argentiero a Callescro; Senocrite a Lisidice; Timara a suo figlio Teleutagora; Eupoli e Aristodice al figlio Teotimo; Onestes a Timocle; Callimaco a Sopolis, figlio di Dioclide; Catullo a suo fratello; Stazio a suo padre; Germano di Brie a Hervé, il nocchiero di Bretagna».
«Cosa vai farneticando?» disse fra Giovanni. «Aiuta qui, per cinquecentomila milioni di carrettate di vecchi diavoli! Aiuta, che ti pigli il canchero ai mustacchi e tre aune di bubboni purolenti per farti un pantalone e una brachetta nuova! Che succede? Siamo arenati? Virtù di Dio, come faremo a rimorchiarla? Questi diavoli di colpi di mare ce l'hanno tutti con noi. Mi vendo al diavolo se la scampiamo!»
Allora fu udita una pietosa esclamazione di Pantagruele che diceva ad alta voce: «Signore Iddio, salvaci. È la fine. Avvenga tuttavia non ciò che piace a noi, ma sia fatta la tua santa volontà».
«Dio e la vergine benedetta siano con noi» disse Panurgo. «Aiuto, aiuto, affogo! Bebebebus bebe bus. In manus. O vero Dio, ti prego, mandami un bel delfino per portarmi a terra a salvamento come un piccolo grazioso Arione. Vedrai che ti suono l'arpa anche meglio di lui, se non è smanicata».
«Io mi dò a tutti i diavoli» disse fra Giovanni.
«Dio sia con noi!» diceva Panurgo fra i denti.
E fra Giovanni:
«Se t'arrivo a tiro, ti faccio vedere i coglioni di Panurgo che pendono dal culo di quel vitello cornuto, cornardo e stornato che sei, Mgnam, mgnam mgnam! Vienci ad aiutare, per trenta milioni di diavoli che ti saltino in corpo! Vitellone di mare, piangolone di merda. Mi fai schifo da tanto che sei brutto!»
«Ma perché mi dici sempre le stesse cose?»
«Qua, mio giocondo breviario87, qua che ti faccio il contropelo! Beatus vir qui non abiit. Questo lo so a memoria. Vediamo la leggenda di messer San Nicola:
Horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum88.
«Tempesta era chiamato un grande fustigatore di scolari al collegio di Monteacuto. Se, per aver frustato tanti poveri ragazzi e scolaretti innocenti i pedagoghi vanno all'inferno, lui, sul mio onore, è certamente là incapestrato alla ruota di Issione che frusta il can cortaldo che la fa girare; se invece le frustate ai ragazzini aprono le porte del paradiso, quello dev'essere più in su dei...»
CAPITOLO XXII
Fine della tempesta
«Terra, terra!» gridò Pantagruele. «Terra in vista! Animo, pecorelle! Un po' di coraggio! Il porto è vicino. Vedo schiarire il cielo a tramontana. E guardate là, da scirocco».
«Coraggio, ragazzi!» disse il pilota. «La bufera ha mollato. Al trinchetto di gabbia! Issa, issa! Alle boline di contromezzana! Cima all'argano! Vira, vira, vira! Mano alla drizza! Issa, issa, issa! Alla via! Pianta la barra! Reggi il paranco! Para le scotte! Para le boline! A babordo! Barra sottovento! Serra scotta a tribordo, figlio di puttana!»
«Sarai contento, brav'uomo» disse frate Giovanni al marinaio, «hai avuto notizie di tua madre».
«Vai all'orza! Stringi la burina! Alza la barra!»
«Alzata è» rispondevano i marinai.
«Taglia via! Punta all'imboccatura! Le magliette, oh! Para i coltellacci! Issa, issa!»
«Ben detto e ben fatto» disse fra Giovanni. «Su, su, su, ragazzi! Con attenzione! Bene. Issa, issa!»
«A tribordo!»
«Parole sante! Mi sa che la tempesta ha il fiato corto! Finalmente! E che Dio sia lodato! I nostri diavoli cominciano a filarsela».
«Molla!»
«Dotto consiglio! Molla, molla! Qui, per Dio, genti! Ponocrate, grandissimo ribaldo! Non farà che figli maschi, il porcaccione! Eustene, galantuomo, al trinchetto di prora!»
«Issa, issa!»
«Ben detto! Issa, issa! Issa, per Dio!,
«Io non mi degnerò d'aver paura di niente,
Perché il giorno è feriale:
Natale, Natale, Natale».89
«Questo celeuma90» disse Epistemone, «non è fuor di proposito, e mi piace. Perché oggi è davvero festa, festa grande!»
«Issa, issa! Là!»
«Amici» gridò Epistemone, «ordino a tutti di bene sperare. Vedo Castore91, là, sulla destra».
«Be, be, bus bus» fece Panurgo, «purché non sia quella vacca di Elena!»
«È proprio Mixarchagevas92, se preferisci la denominazione degli Argivi» disse Epistemone. «Ohe, ohe! Vedo terra, vedo il porto, vedo folla sul molo, vedo fuoco sul faro».
«Ohe, ohe!» gridò il pilota. «Doppia il capo e le secche!»
«Doppiato è» risposero i marinai.
«Per noi è andata» disse il pilota, «e passeranno anche gli altri del convoglio. Il buon tempo aiuta».
«Per San Giovanni!» disse Panurgo. «Questo sì che è parlare! Oh le belle parole che ho sentito!»
«Mgna mgna!» disse fra Giovanni. «Che m'entri in corpo il diavolo a me, se n'entra in corpo una goccia a te! Hai sentito bene, coglionardo del diavolo? A voi, mastro pilota e vero amico, a voi questa coppa che è piena del più fino fra i migliori. E tu, Ginnasta, porta qui la giara, e quel grosso mastino di pasticcio giambico o giambonico, che è lo stesso. E dateci dentro!»
«Coraggio!» gridò Pantagruele. «Coraggio, ragazzi. E mostriamoci cortesi. Guardate qui, attorno alla nostra nave: tre barconi, cinque coralline, otto volontarie, quattro gondole, sei fregate e quattro cimbe, che la brava gente dell'isola ha inviato in nostro soccorso. Ma chi è quell'Ucalegone93 laggiù che strilla e si lamenta a quel modo? Non c'ero io a tener su dritto con le mie mani l'albero maestro, meglio che non farebbero duecento gomene?»
«È quel povero diavolo di Panurgo» rispose fra Giovanni. «Ha la febbre del dopo mangiato. Quand'è ristucco, trema di paura».
«Se» disse Pantagruele, «ha provato paura in mezzo ai pericoli di questo terrificante fortunale, e ciononostante si è dato bravamente da fare, non avrei motivo di stimarlo un peluzzo meno di prima. Perché, se aver paura in ogni frangente è indizio d'animo abbietto e vile (com'era il caso di Agamennone, e per questo Achille lo dileggiava dicendo che aveva occhio di cane e cuore di cervo) così, il non aver timore nel pericolo vero è segno di intendimento scarso o men che nullo. Ora, se nella vita c'è qualcosa di cui temere dopo l'offesa a Dio, non voglio dire che sia la morte, né voglio metter bocca nella disputa fra Socrate e gli Accademici, se la morte non sia di per sé cattiva o di per sé da temersi. Io dico di questo genere di morte, della morte per naufragio, che se non fosse da temere, nulla vi sarebbe al mondo da temere. Perché, come dice Omero, è cosa tremenda, orribile e contro natura perire in mare. Anche Enea, nella tempesta che lo colse con le sue navi presso la Sicilia, rimpiangeva di non essere morto per mano del forte Diomede e diceva mille volte felici coloro ch'eran morti nell'incendio di Troia. Qui non è morto nessuno: che Dio ne sia lodato in eterno. Ma per il resto la nostra casa è assai malandata, e dovremo rimettere in sesto quel che ci rimane. Attenzione a non andare in secca»
CAPITOLO XXIII
Come, finita la tempesta, Panurgo fa il giovialone
«Ah, ah!» gridò Panurgo. «Tutto va bene! Passata è la tempesta! Vi prego, di grazia, fatemi scendere per primo. Sento proprio bisogno di andarmene un po' per i fatti miei. O avete ancora bisogno di me? Be', va be', buttami quella corda che la faccio su. Mi sento pieno di coraggio. Davvero! Paura io! Vuoi scherzare? Dà qua, amico mio. No, no, di paura nemmeno l'ombra. Anche se, devo dire, quell'onda decumana che mi ha sbattuto da prora a poppa mi ha dato un po' di palpitazione. Insomma, tutto qui».
«Giù le vele!»
«Ben detto. Ma tu, fra Giovanni, stai lì a non far niente. Ti sembra questo il momento di bere? Cosa ne sappiamo noi se lo staffiere di san Martino94 non ci sta cucinando un altro uragano? Voi, laggiù, c'è ancora bisogno di me? Sacravento! Sono proprio pentito – aimè, troppo tardi – di non aver seguito la dottrina dei buoni filosofi, i quali dicevano che passeggiare vicino al mare o navigare vicino a terra è cosa sicura e molto dilettevole; come l'andare a piedi tenendo il cavallo per la briglia. Ma non pensiamoci più, per Dio, che tutto va bene. Posso fare ancora qualcosa? Date a me, date a me. A questo, col permesso del diavolo, penso io».
Epistemone, che aveva il palmo di una mano tutto scorticato e sanguinante per lo sforzo compiuto nel reggere da solo una gomena, avendo udito il discorso di Pantagruele, gli disse:
«Quanto a paura e sgomento, credetemi, signore, ne ho avuto anch'io non meno di Panurgo. Ma non per questo mi sono risparmiato nel fare la mia parte. Io considero che, se veramente il morire è, come è, necessità fatale e ineluttabile, il tempo tuttavia, il luogo e il modo della nostra morte è Dio, nella sua santa volontà, che li destina. Pertanto è lui che dobbiamo implorare, invocare, pregare, cercare e implorare incessantemente. Ma non bisogna fermarsi e limitarsi a questo. Dobbiamo, per parte nostra, adoperarci egualmente e, come dice il santo Inviato95, cooperare con lui. Voi sapete ciò che disse il console C. Flaminio, quando, per l'astuzia di Annibale, rimase circondato presso il lago di Perugia chiamato Trasimeno. "Ragazzi" disse ai suoi soldati, "non dovete sperare che basti far voti e innalzare preghiere agli dèi per uscire di qui. È col valore e con la forza che conviene passare, aprendoci il cammino fra i nemici a fil di spada". Parimenti, in Sallustio, M. Porcio Catone, dice che l'aiuto degli dèi non s'impetra con voti oziosi e donnesche lamentazioni; bensì vegliando, faticando e ingegnandosi a che si adempiano i nostri desideri e ogni cosa giunga a buon fine. Se nella necessità e nel pericolo l'uomo è negligente, svirilizzato e poltrone, a torto implorerà gli dèi, che ne saranno irritati e indignati».
«Come quella volta nella vigna di Seuillé» disse fra Giovanni, «che se non c'ero io a difenderla a colpi di manico di croce, se mi fossi accontentato di star lì a cantare Contra hostium insidias (materia di breviario) come quegli altri diavoli di monaci, mi dò l'anima al diavolo...»
«E io ci metto la mia metà» disse Panurgo.
«...mi dò l'anima al diavolo se quei banditi di Lerné non me l'avrebbero vendemmiata e distrutta fino all'ultimo graspo».
«Voghi la galera!» disse Panurgo, «che tutto va bene. E fra Giovanni sta lì a far niente. Lui sta lì a guardare mentre io qui sudo e mi affanno per aiutare questo brav'uomo. Dimmi un po' marinaio primo del nome e amico nostro, dimmi una cosa, se non ti disturba: che spessore hanno le tavole di questa nave?»
«Due dita buone, non abbiate timore» rispose il pilota.
«Virtù di Dio» disse Panurgo. «Ma allora noi siamo continuamente a due dita dalla morte. Non sarà questa per caso una delle nove gioie del matrimonio?»
«A due dita dalla morte: ben detto, amico, se misurate il pericolo a spanne di paura».
«Paura io? Nemmeno per sogno. Io mi chiamo Guglielmo senza paura. Ho coraggio da vendere. E non coraggio di pecora, tienilo a mente: coraggio da lupo e colpo d'occhio da assassino. A parte i pericoli, non ho paura di niente».
CAPITOLO XXIV
Come fra Giovanni dimostra che Panurgo ha avuto paura senza ragione durante la tempesta
«Buongiorno, signori» disse Panurgo, «buon giorno a tutti quanti. Tutti bene? Grazie a Dio, sì; e voi? Bene, bene: siete giunti a buon punto. Benvenuti, benvenuti! Adesso sbarchiamo. Da bravi, rematori, gettate la passerella! Accosta quel battello, tu! Vi serve ancora aiuto, laggiù? Sono allupato dalla voglia di fare e lavorare per più di quattro buoi. Ecco veramente un bel luogo e della brava gente! E voi, ragazzi, se avete ancora bisogno di me, senza cerimonie! Non risparmiate il sudore del mio corpo, per l'amor di Dio! Adamo, che poi sarebbe l'uomo, è nato per zappare la terra e faticare, come gli uccelli per volare. Nostro Signore lo vuole e l'ha detto ben chiaro: dobbiamo guadagnarci il pane col sudore della nostra fronte; e non stando lì a far niente come fra Giovanni, quello straccio di monaco che vedete, che sta lì che beve e trema dalla paura. Ecco che rifà bel tempo. Adesso capisco quant'era veritiera e ben fondata la sentenza del nobile filosofo Anacarsi, quando, a chi gli chiedeva quale nave gli sembrasse più sicura, rispose: "Quella che non lascia il porto"».
«Ancora meglio» disse Pantagruele, «quando, a chi voleva sapere se fosse più grande il numero dei morti o quello dei viventi, domandò: "E quelli che vanno per mare in che conto li mettiamo?". Volendo così argutamente significare che i naviganti sul mare sono così vicini al continuo pericolo di morire che vivono morendo e muoiono vivendo. E così Porcio Catone, quando diceva che di tre cose soltanto egli avrebbe potuto rammaricarsi in vita sua: o di avere una volta rivelato un segreto a una donna, o di aver trascorso un giorno senza far niente, o di aver peregrinato per mare verso luoghi altrimenti accessibili via terra».
«Per la degna cocolla che porto» disse fra Giovanni a Panurgo, «tu, grandissimo coglione, amico mio, durante la tempesta, hai avuto paura senza motivo né ragione. Perché nel tuo destino non è scritto che tu debba perire nell'acqua, bensì nell'aria, impiccato e bene in alto; oppure bruciato vivo come un protomartire. Signore» disse poi a Pantagruele, «se vi serve un buon gabbano contro la pioggia, date a me questi mantelli di lupo e di tasso, fate scorticare Panurgo e copritevi con la sua pelle. Però dovrete fare attenzione a non avvicinarvi al fuoco e non passare accanto alle fucine dei maniscalchi: andrebbe in cenere in un momento. Alla pioggia potrete esporvi quando vorrete; anche alla neve e alla grandine. Magari, per Dio, tuffatevi nell'acqua a qualsiasi profondità e non vi bagnerete punto. Fateci anche, se vi accomoda, degli stivali da inverno e avrete i piedi all'asciutto; fateci delle nasse per insegnare a nuotare ai ragazzi, e impareranno senza pericolo».
«Insomma» disse Pantagruele, «la sua pelle sarebbe come l'erba che ha nome Capel di Venere, che non si bagna né inumidisce, che è sempre asciutta anche a tenerla a mollo nell'acqua quanto volete; per cui la chiamano Adiantos».
«Panurgo, amico mio» disse fra Giovanni, «non aver mai paura dell'acqua, te ne prego: è per virtù di elemento contrario che la tua vita avrà fine».
«Vero» disse Panurgo, «ma qualche volta i cucinieri del diavolo vaneggiano e sbagliano tegame; e spesso mettono a bollire ciò che andrebbe arrostito. Come qui nella nostra cucina di bordo, che i capo cuochi lardellano pernici, colombacci e piccioni con l'intenzione, com'è verosimile, di metterli arrosto; ma poi succede che li mettono a bollire e ti servono bollito di pernici con cavoli, di colombacci con navoni e di piccioni con porri. Ascoltate, amici belli, io qui, davanti a questa nobile compagnia, dichiaro fermamente che la cappella votata al signor San Nicola,
Fra Cande e Montsoreau in un praticello
che non vi pasce vacca né vitello,
io intendevo propriamente che fosse una cappella d'alambicco per acqua di rose,
dove c'è poco da pascolare,
perché ho deciso di gettarla in mare».
«Ecco il bel galantuomo» disse Eustene. «Abbiamo con noi un fior di galantuomo. Anzi, un, galantuomo e mezzo. Ed ecco avverato il proverbio dei Lombardi:
Passato el pericolo, gabbato el santo»96.
CAPITOLO XXV
Come Pantagruele, dopo la tempesta, sbarcò nell'isola dei Macreoni
Senza attendere oltre, sbarcammo nel porto di un'isola che si chiamava isola dei Macreoni. La brava gente del luogo ci accolse con onore. Un vecchio Macrobio (così chiamavano il loro capo scabino) voleva condurre Pantagruele nella casa comune della città, perché si rinfrescasse a suo agio e si rifocillasse. Ma egli non volle partirsi dal molo prima che fosse sbarcata tutta la sua gente. Dopo averli passati in rassegna comandò che ognuno si cambiasse d'abito e che tutte le provvigioni delle navi fossero sciorinate a terra, in modo che le ciurme potessero far baldoria. Ciò che fu subito fatto. E Dio sa le bevute, i motti e l'allegria. Tutta la gente del luogo recava viveri in quantità. I Pantagruelisti ne offrirono in cambio anche di più, benché le loro scorte fossero un po' danneggiate a causa della recente tempesta. Terminato il pasto, Pantagruele pregò ciascuno di mettersi all'opera per riparare le avarie. E tutti vi s'impegnarono di buona lena. L'impresa non era difficile, perché la popolazione era tutta di carpentieri e di artigiani, come nell'arsenale di Venezia. La parte abitata di questa grande isola era limitata a tre porti e dieci parrocchie: tutto il resto era a boschi d'alto fusto, folti e deserti come la foresta delle Ardenne.
A nostra istanza, il vecchio ci segnalò ciò che vi era di insigne e degno di essere visto nell'isola. E andando per la foresta ombrosa e deserta ci mostrò molti vecchi templi in rovina, obelischi, monumenti e sepolcri antichi, con iscrizioni ed epitaffi diversi; gli uni in lettere geroglifiche, altri in lingua ionica, altri in lingua arabica, agarenica, schiavona ecc., dei quali Epistemone prendeva nota diligentemente, mentre Panurgo chiacchierava con fra Giovanni.
«Questa, disse, è l'isola dei Macreoni. Macreone, in greco, significa vegliardo, uomo carico d'anni».
«E a me cosa mi fa?» disse fra Giovanni. «Vuoi forse che mi rimbarbogisca per questo? Io mica ero qui quando battezzarono quest'isola».
«Sì, ma io penso» disse Panurgo, «che da Macreone derivi il nome di Macrò. Perché solo ai vecchi e alle vecchie conviene la ruffianeria. E alle giovani conviene darla via. Insomma, si potrebbe pensare che questa sia l'isola dei Macrò, esemplare e prototipo di quella di Parigi. Perché non andiamo per ostriche?»
Il vecchio Macrobio, in lingua ionica, chiedeva a Pantagruele come mai e in grazia di quale ostinato coraggio e straordinaria abilità fosse giunto incolume a quel porto tra l'orrendo infuriare di una simile tempesta. E Pantagruele rispose che l'altissimo Salvatore aveva tenuto conto della semplicità e delle oneste intenzioni della sua gente, che non viaggiava per traffici o per sete di guadagno. Un solo ed unico motivo li aveva spinti a prendere il mare: l'ardente desiderio di vedere il mondo, di apprendere, conoscere, e di visitare l'oracolo di Bacbuc per avere il responso della Bottiglia su certe difficoltà che angustiavano uno di loro. Poi gli domandò quale fosse a suo parere la causa di un così spaventevole fortunale e se i mari adiacenti all'isola fossero ordinariamente così soggetti alle tempeste come, nell'Atlantico, le rapide di San Matteo e di Maumusson, e, nel Mediterraneo, il vortice di Satalia, Monte Argentario, Piombino, Capo Melio in Laconia, lo stretto di Gibilterra, quello di Messina, e altri.
CAPITOLO XXVI
Come il buon Macrobio illustra a Pantagruele la dimora e il trapasso degli eroi
E allora il buon Macrobio parlò così:
«Amici pellegrini, questa è una delle isole Sporadi: non le Sporadi che voi conoscete e che si trovano nel mare Carpasio, ma le Sporadi dell'Atlantico. Ricca un tempo, fiorente di traffici, opulenta, popolosa e soggetta al dominio di Bretagna, oggi quest'isola, col passare degli anni e col mondo che va alla rovina, è fatta povera e deserta come voi la vedete.
«In questa oscura foresta che ci circonda e che si estende in lunghezza come in larghezza per più di settantottomila parasanghe, è la dimora dei Demoni e degli Eroi. I quali essendo diventati vecchi, e non brillando più la cometa che appariva ormai da tre giorni, noi stimiamo che uno di loro sia morto, e che l'orrenda tempesta che avete patito si sia scatenata a causa di questo trapasso. Poiché, vivendo loro, ogni bene abbonda qui e nelle isole vicine, e sopra il mare è bonaccia e sereno perpetuo. Ma per solito al trapasso di ognuno di loro, ecco che udiamo per la foresta grandi e pietose lamentazioni, e vediamo contristato il paese da calamità, afflizioni e pestilenze, e il mare sconvolto da fortunali e tempeste».
«C'è del vero nelle vostre parole» disse Pantagruele. «Essi infatti somigliano a torce e lucerne, le quali, fintanto che vivono e ardono, danno luce agli astanti, rischiarano tutto all'intorno, rallegrano ognuno, a tutti elargiscono utilità e chiarore, a nessuno fan male o dispiacere; ma non appena si spengono, i loro fumi ed esalazioni infettano l'aria, nuocciono agli astanti, dispiacciono a tutti. Così è di queste anime nobili e insigni. Fintanto che albergano nei loro corpi, il loro soggiorno è pacifico, utile, gradevole e glorioso. Ma al momento della separazione sogliono manifestarsi, per isole e continenti, nei mari, sopra la terra e nei cieli, grandi perturbazioni e funesti prodigi: tenebre, lampi, tempeste, scotimenti, dirupamenti, fulmini, inondazioni, turbini, fortunali, uragani, con lamentazioni di popoli, mutamenti di religioni, trapassi di regni, eversioni di repubbliche».
«E noi» disse Epistemone, «già ne facemmo l'esperienza con la morte del dotto e valoroso cavaliere Guglielmo du Bellay97, vivendo il quale, la Francia godeva di tanta prosperità che tutto il mondo la temeva. E, subito dopo la sua morte, essa è caduta in discredito presso tutte le genti».
«Anche Enea» disse Pantagruele, «dopo la morte di Anchise a Trapani, in Sicilia, rischiò di essere travolto da una terribile tempesta. E forse è ancor questa la ragione per la quale Erode, il tiranno crudele, re di Giudea, vedendosi vicino a morte (una morte orrenda e spaventevole in natura, poiché morì d'una ftiriasi, divorato dai vermi e dalle pulci, come già erano morti Lucio Silla, Ferecide di Siria precettore di Pitagora, il poeta greco Alcmane e altri ancora) e prevedendo che alla sua morte i Giudei avrebbero fatto fuochi di gioia, convocò a palazzo da tutte le città, borgate e castelli della Giudea tutti i nobili e tutti i magistrati del reame, con il pretesto ingannevole di dover loro comunicare cose importanti per il governo e la sicurezza delle province. Giunti costoro e presentatisi di persona, il re li fece rinchiudere nell'ippodromo del suo palazzo. Poi disse alla sorella Salomé e a suo marito Alessandro: "Io sono certo che i Giudei si rallegreranno della mia morte; ma se vorrete intendere ed eseguire ciò che vi dirò, le mie esequie saranno onorevoli, e confortate da pubbliche lamentazioni. Non appena sarò morto, fate uccidere dagli arcieri della mia guardia, ai quali io stesso già l'ho ordinato espressamente, tutti i nobili e i magistrati rinchiusi qua dentro. Così facendo, tutta la Giudea sarà suo malgrado in lutto e lamentazioni, e sembrerà agli stranieri che ciò avvenga a causa della mia morte, come se fosse venuta meno l'anima di un eroe".
«Eguale volontà manifestava un altro tiranno disperato, quando disse: "Vada, me morto, tutto il mondo in fiamme!", parole alle quali Nerone, il manigoldo, obiettò: "Anzi, me vivo!", come attesta Svetonio.
«Ma questo infame auspicio, del quale parlano Cicerone (lib. 3, De Finibus) e Seneca (lib. 2, De Clementia) è attribuito, da Dione Niceo e Suida, all'imperatore Tiberio».
CAPITOLO XXVII
Come Pantagruele ragiona sulla dipartita delle anime eroiche e dei prodigi orrifici che precedettero il trapasso del fu signore di Langey
«Per parte mia» disse Pantagruele, «non posso che benedire la tempesta di mare che tanto ci ha vessati e travagliati, ma in grazia della quale possiamo ora ascoltare le parole di questo buon Macrobio. Ed anche ciò che egli ha detto della cometa apparsa per alcuni giorni prima di quel decesso non mi trova restio a tenerlo per vero. Infatti, vi sono anime talmente nobili, preziose ed eroiche che all'approssimarsi del loro trapasso i cieli ne danno a noi significazione per simboli alcuni giorni avanti. E come il medico prudente, quando s'avvede per certi sintomi che il suo malato è prossimo alla morte, avverte per tempo moglie, figliuoli, parenti della imminente dipartita del loro congiunto, affinché, nel tempo che gli resta da vivere, essi lo esortino a provvedere ai beni della famiglia, ad ammonire e benedire i suoi figli, a raccomandare alla moglie onesta vedovanza, a disporre il necessario per il mantenimento dei pupilli, e non sia sorpreso dalla morte senza aver fatto testamento e dato ordine alla sua anima e alla sua casa; similmente i cieli benigni, come rallegrati di poter accogliere ancora una di quelle anime beate, sembrano, nell'attesa, con tali comete ed altre luminose meteore, accendere fuochi di gioia: pronostico certo e veridica predizione agli umani che nel volgere di pochi giorni quelle anime venerabili lasceranno i loro corpi e la terra.
«Non diversamente un tempo, in Atene, i giudici Areopagiti, nel giudicare i malfattori in catene, usavano di certe lettere a seconda delle diverse sentenze; Θ per condanna a morte, T per assoluzione, A per accertamenti ulteriori98, cioè quando il caso permaneva incerto. Queste lettere esposte al pubblico toglievano dall'ansietà e dall'incertezza i parenti, gli amici e chiunque fosse curioso di conoscere l'esito del processo e la sentenza toccata in sorte ai detenuti. Così, per tali comete, come per eterei messaggi, dicono i cieli tacitamente: "O uomini mortali, se da queste anime felici volete sapere, apprendere, intendere, conoscere, prevedere cosa alcuna che riguardi la pubblica utilità o il bene vostro privato, affrettatevi a presentarvi a loro e a sentire la loro risposta: poiché la catastrofe, la fine del dramma è vicina. E dopo ogni rimpianto sarà vano".
«Ma i cieli fanno anche di più; giacché, a significare che noi, sopra la terra, non siamo degni della presenza, compagnia e conforto di quelle anime insigni, ci sbigottiscono e atterriscono con prodigi, portenti, mostri, e altri segni premonitori formati contro ogni ordine di natura. Ciò che noi stessi vedemmo parecchi giorni prima del dipartirsi di quella così illustre, generosa ed eroica anima del dotto e prode cavaliere di Langey, del quale avete parlato».
«Me ne ricordo bene» disse Epistemone. «E ancora abbrividisco e mi trema il cuore in petto quando penso ai prodigi tanto diversi e spaventosi che abbiamo chiaramente veduto cinque o sei giorni prima del suo trapasso. Tanto che i signori di Assier99, Chemant, Mailly il guercio, Saint-Ayl, Villeneuve-la-Guyart, mastro Gabriele medico di Savigliano, Rabelays, Cohuau, Massuau100, Majorici, Bullou, Cercu detto il Borgomastro, Francesco Proust, Ferron, Charles Girard, Francesco Bourré, e tanti altri amici, domestici e servitori del defunto, si guardavano l'un l'altro ammutoliti e sgomenti, senza dir parola, ma tutti in preda a uno stesso luttuoso pensiero, e a un medesimo presentimento: che ben presto la Francia avrebbe dovuto piangere la perdita di un cavaliere tanto perfetto e tanto necessario alla sua gloria e alla sua sicurezza; e che i cieli lo richiamavano come ad essi dovuto per loro naturale proprietà».
«Per la cresta del mio cappuccio!» disse fra Giovanni. «Mi venga la pipita se da vecchio non divento chierico. Dopo tutto ho un discreto intenditorio anch'io.
E vi chiedo senza rispetto,
come il re al suo valletto
e la regina al figlioletto:
«Questi eroi e semidei dei quali avete parlato possono dunque morire? Santa Madonna! E io che pensavo, nel mio pensamento, che fossero immortali – Dio mi perdoni – come tanti angeli! Invece qui, il nostro reverendissimo signor Macrobio dice che alla fine muoiono anche loro».
«Non tutti» rispose Pantagruele. «Gli stoici li dicevano tutti mortali, tranne uno che solo è immortale, impassibile e invisibile.
«Pindaro dice apertamente che il filo filato alla conocchia e al fuso dei Fati e delle Parche maligne per le dee Amadriadi, cioè lo stame della loro vita, non è più lungo di quello concesso agli alberi ch'esse proteggono; cioè alle querce, dalle quali nacquero, stando all'opinione di Callimaco e di Pausania, in Phoci, condivisa da Marciano Capella. Quanto ai Pan, ai Satiri, Silvani, Folletti, Agipani, Ninfe, Demoni ed Eroi, parecchi, considerata la somma totale delle diverse età valutate da Esiodo, hanno calcolato che le loro vite durano 9720 anni: numero che si ottiene passando dall'unità alla quaternità, moltiplicando questa per quattro volte se stessa e quindi il tutto cinque volte per tre. Come potete vedere nel libro di Plutarco sulla Fine degli Oracoli».
«Questa non è materia di breviario» disse frate Giovanni, «e io non credo se non ciò che vi piacerà».
«Io credo» disse Pantagruele, «che tutte le anime intellettive siano immuni dalle cesoie di Atropo. Tutte sono immortali: Angeli, Demoni e anime umane. Vi racconterò tuttavia, a questo proposito, una storia assai strana, ma scritta e accreditata da parecchi dotti storiografi».
CAPITOLO XXVIII
Come Pantagruele racconta una pietosa storia sul trapasso degli eroi
«Viaggiava un giorno Epiterse, padre del retore Emiliano, dalla Grecia verso l'Italia, su di una nave carica di varie mercanzie e numerosi viaggiatori. Caduto il vento, sul far della sera, nei pressi delle isole Echinadi, che si trovano fra la Morea e Tunisi, la nave fu diretta verso l'isola di Paxos. Essendo là ormeggiata, e alcuni viaggiatori dormendo, altri vegliando, altri bevendo e mangiando, fu udito dall'isola qualcuno chiamare a gran voce Tamos. A quel grido tutti trasalirono. Questo Tamos era il loro pilota, nativo dell'Egitto, ma non conosciuto per nome se non da alcuni dei viaggiatori. La voce fu udita una seconda volta, e chiamava Tamos con grida spaventevoli. Nessuno osando rispondere – che tutti eran rimasti ammutoliti e trepidi – la voce fu udita una terza volta, più forte e terribile di prima. Allora Tamos rispose: "Sono qui, cosa vuoi da me? Cos'è che dovrei fare?". E allora questa voce si fece udire ancor più alta, dicendo ed ingiungendo a Tamos, quando fosse giunto a Palode, di dire e far sapere a tutti che Pan, il gran Dio, era morto.
«Si seppe poi da Epiterse che, udite queste parole, discutendo fra loro i passeggeri, stupefatti e atterriti, su cosa fosse meglio, se tacere o ubbidire diffondendo l'annuncio, Tamos sciolse il dilemma dicendo che, a suo parere, nel caso che presso Palode avessero avuto vento in poppa, ciò era segno di dover passare oltre senza dir nulla; se invece vi fosse stata bonaccia, dovevano far sapere ciò che avevano udito.
«Ora avvenne che, giunti a Palode, cadesse il vento e non vi fosse filo di corrente. E allora Tamos, fattosi a prua della nave e gridando verso terra, annunciò come gli era stato ordinato, che il grande Pan era morto. E non ancora era spento l'eco delle sue parole che si udirono dalla riva grandi sospiri, lamentazioni e voci di sgomento, non di una sola persona, ma di tante insieme.
«La nuova di questo annuncio – poiché in molti lo avevano udito – giunse e si diffuse ben presto a Roma, dove regnava l'imperatore Tiberio. Il quale mandò a cercare questo Tamos e, dopo averlo ascoltato, prestò fede alle sue parole. E interrogando le persone dotte, assai numerose a quel tempo in Roma e assidue alla sua corte, venne a sapere che Pan era stato figlio di Mercurio e di Penelope.
«Così aveva scritto Erodoto101 e così Cicerone nel terzo libro De natura deorum. Io sarei tuttavia propenso a credere che il ferale annuncio riguardasse quel grande salvatore dei fedeli che fu in Giudea ignominiosamente ucciso per l'invidia e l'iniquità dei pontefici, dottori, preti e monaci della legge mosaica. E l'interpretazione non mi sembra aberrante, poiché a buon diritto, in lingua greca, egli può essere detto Pan, visto che è lui il nostro Tutto; e tutto ciò che siamo, tutto ciò che viviamo, tutto ciò che abbiamo, tutto ciò che speriamo è lui, in lui, da lui e per lui. È il buon Pan, il gran pastore, il quale, come attesta l'amoroso pastorello Coridone102, non solo ama e predilige le sue pecorelle, ma anche i suoi guardiani. Alla sua morte infatti seguirono pianti, sospiri, terrori e lamentazioni per tutta la macchina dell'universo: cieli, terra, mare, inferni. E a questa mia interpretazione corrispondono i tempi, poiché questo dolcissimo, grandissimo Pan, nostro unico Salvatore, morì nei pressi di Gerusalemme, regnando in Roma Cesare Tiberio».
Terminato questo racconto, Pantagruele rimase a lungo in silenzio e in profonda contemplazione, e vedemmo poi colare dai suoi occhi lacrime grosse come uova di struzzo. Che Dio mi abbia in gloria se mento di una sola virgola.
CAPITOLO XXIX
Come Pantagruele passò in vista dell'isola di Sottobanco dove regnava Quaresimarca
Riparate e ripulite le navi del festoso convoglio, rinnovate le vettovaglie, più che contenti e soddisfatti i Macreoni per gli ottimi guadagni, e tutta la nostra gente volonterosa e lieta più del solito, il giorno dopo, spirando un aquilone delizioso e sereno, facemmo vela nella più grande allegria. Era già alto il sole quando Xenomane ci mostrò di lontano l'isola di Sottobanco dove regnava Quaresimarca, del quale già Pantagruele aveva sentito parlare e che avrebbe visto volentieri di persona. Senonché Xenomane lo dissuase, sia per la troppo lunga digressione dal nostro cammino, sia per i magri passatempi che, diceva, avremmo trovato in tutta l'isola, compresa la corte del re.
«Per tutta attrattiva» spiegò, «ci troverete un gran trangugiatore di piselli secchi, un gran mangiasalacche, un grande acchiappatalpe, un grande accattafieno, un mezzo gigante di primo pelo e con doppia tonsura, originario del Lanternese, lui stesso gran lanternaro, gonfaloniere degli Ittiofagi, dittatore di Mostardonia103, fustigatore di ragazzini, calcinatore di ceneri104, padre e rampollo di medici, strapieno di indulgenze, perdoni e pellegrinaggi, persona ammodo, buon cattolico, tutto casa e chiesa. Piange tre quarti del giorno. Non lo si incontra mai a un festino di nozze. Ciononpertanto, non si trova in quaranta reami un fabbricatore di lardatoi e di schidioni più industrioso di lui. Circa sei anni fa, passando per Sottobanco, me ne portai un dodici dozzine che poi ho regalato ai beccai di Cande, i quali ne fecero gran conto e non senza ragione. Al nostro ritorno ve ne farò vedere un paio attaccati al grande portale105. Gli alimenti dei quali si nutre sono: usberghi salati, morioni e caschetti in salamoia, celate in insalata; per cui a volte va soggetto a un forte riscaldo alla vescica. Il suo abbigliamento è festoso e nel taglio e nel colore, perché egli veste freddo e ghiacciato, con niente davanti, di dietro e di lato. E le maniche lo stesso».
«Voi mi fareste piacere» disse Pantagruele, «se così come mi avete descritto i suoi vestiti, i suoi modi e passatempi, me ne descriveste anche la figura, il volume la conformazione del corpo in ogni singola parte».
«Anch'io te ne prego, mio coglioncino» disse fra Giovanni, «perché l'ho trovato anche nel mio breviario, dopo le feste mobili».
«Volentieri» rispose Xenomane. «Forse ne sentiremo parlare più ampiamente passando dall'isola Feroce dove regnano le Anduglie farcite, sue nemiche mortali, contro le quali è in guerra sempiterna. E se non fosse per l'aiuto del nobile Martedì grasso loro protettore e buon vicino, questo gran Lanternaro di Quaresimarca le avrebbe già spodestate e sterminate da un bel po'».
«Ma» chiese fra Giovanni, «sono maschi o femmine, queste Anduglie, nature angeliche o esseri mortali, donne o pulzelle?»
«Femmine di sesso» rispose Xenomane, «mortali di natura, alcune pulzelle e altre no».
«Mi voto al diavolo» disse fra Giovanni, «se non tengo per loro. Che scandalo contro natura è mai questo, di far guerra alle donne? Torniamo indietro e facciamo polpette di quel villanzone».
«Attaccare Quaresimarca?» disse Panurgo. «Per tutti i diavoli, non sono così matto né così sfegatato. Quid juris, se ci trovassimo incastrati fra le Anduglie e Quaresimarca fra l'incudine e il martello?106 Canchero. Tiriamo diritto. Alla larga, alla larga! Addio, vi riverisco, signor Quaresimarca. Vi raccomando le Anduglie, e non dimenticate i sanguinacci».
CAPITOLO XXX
Come Xenomane notomizza e descrive Quaresimarca
«Quanto alle parti interne» disse Xenomane, «Quaresimarca ha (o almeno aveva ai miei tempi) un cervello della stessa sostanza, grandezza, colore e vigore del coglione sinistro d'un pedicello maschio, il cui ventricolo è come un tirafondo.
L'escrescenza vermiforme come un mazzapicchio
Le membrane come una cocolla.
L'imbuto come un giornello da muratore.
La calotta come una cuffietta.
La ghiandola pineale come una cornamusa.
La rete mirabile come il frontale del cavallo.
I capezzoli come scarponi.
I timpani come un mulinetto.
Gli ossi petrosi come un sommolo.
La nuca come una lanterna.
I nervi come un rubinetto.
L'ugola come una cerbottana.
Il palato come un monchino.
Le ghiandole salivali come una spola.
Le amigdale come un monocolo.
L'istmo come una gerla.
Il gorgozzule come un paniere da vendemmia.
Lo stomaco come un budriere107.
Il piloro come un forcale.
L'asperarteria108 come una roncola.
Il gozzo come un gomitolo di stoppa.
Il polmone come una mozzetta.
Il cuore come una pianeta.
Il mediastino come una scodella.
La pleura come un becco di corvo.
Le arterie come un mantello da vaccaro bearnese.
Il diaframma come un colbacco.
Il fegato come un'accetta.
Le vene come un telaio.
La milza come un quagliere.
Le budella come un tramaglio.
Il fiele come una scure.
La corata come un guanto da giostra.
Il mesentere come una mitria abbaziale.
L'intestino digiuno come una pinza cavadenti.
L'intestino cieco come un piastrone da corazza.
Il colon come una pinta.
Il budello culare come una borraccia monacale.
I rognoni come una cazzuola.
I lombi come un catenaccio.
Gli ureteri come una cremagliera.
Le vene emulgenti come due siringhe.
I vasi spermatici come un pasticcio di pasta sfoglia.
La prostata come un'olla da piume109.
La vescica come una balestra.
Il suo collo come un battaglio.
Il mirach110 come un cappello albanese.
Il siphac111 come un bracciale.
I muscoli come soffietti.
I tendini come un guanto da falconiere.
I legamenti come scarselle.
Le ossa come una crostata.
Il midollo come una bisaccia.
Le cartilagini come una tartaruga di bosco.
Gli adeni come un roncone.
Gli spiriti animali come un cazzotto da olio santo.
Gli spiriti vitali come una serqua di scataluffi.
Il sangue arterioso come sgrugnoni moltiplicati.
Le orine come uno squadrafiche (al papa).
La genitura come un mazzo di chiodi capocchiuti. E mi raccontava la sua nutrice che, avendo egli impalmato Mezzaquaresima, ne generò soltanto un buon numero di avverbi di luogo112 e alcuni digiuni doppi.
La memoria aveva simile a un carniere.
Il senso comune come un bordone.
L'immaginazione come uno sbattagliar di campane.
Il pensiero come un volo di stornelli.
La coscienza come una levata di aironetti.
Le deliberazioni come un sacchetto d'orzo.
Il pentimento come l'equipaggio di un cannone doppio.
L'iniziativa come la zavorra di un galeone.
Il comprendonio come un breviario stracciato.
Gli spiriti intellettivi come lumache fuori del guscio.
La volontà come tre noci in una scodella.
Il desiderio come sei balle di cedrangola113.
Il discernimento come una calzatoia.
La discrezione come una muffola114.
La ragione come uno sgabello».
CAPITOLO XXXI
Anatomia di Quaresimarca quanto alle parti esterne
«Quaresimarca» diceva Xenomane continuando, «quanto alle parti esterne era un po' meglio proporzionato, salvo le sette costole eccedenti la normale ossatura degli umani.
Gli alluci aveva come un assieme d'organo e spinetta115.
Le unghie come trivelle.
I piedi come chitarre.
I talloni come una mazza.
La pianta dei piedi come un crogiolo.
Le gambe come un logoro.
Le ginocchia come sgabelli.
Le cosce come un morione.
Le anche come un trapano.
Il ventre a polena, abbottonato all'antica e cinto all'antibusto.
L'ombelico come una ghironda.
Il pettignone come un berlingozzo.
Il membro come una pantofola.
Le coglie come una damigiana.
I genitali come un rastrello.
I cremasteri come una racchetta.
Il perineo come un piffero.
Il buco del culo come uno specchio di cristallo.
Le natiche come un erpice.
Le reni come un vaso da burro.
Il peritoneo come un biliardo.
La schiena come una balestra da fortezza.
Gli spondili come una cornamusa.
Le costole come un arcolaio.
Lo sterno come un baldacchino.
Gli omoplati come mortai.
Il petto come una mostra d'organo.
Le mammelle come corni da caccia.
Le ascelle come scacchiere.
Le spalle come una barella.
Le braccia come una barbuta.
Le dita come alari da parlatorio.
Le ossa del carpo come due trampoli.
Le tibie come falcetti.
I cubiti come rastrelli.
Le mani come striglie.
Il collo come un boccale.
La gola come un filtro da ippocrasso.
Il pomo d'Adamo come un barile, dal quale pendevano due gozzi di bronzo assai belli e armoniosi, in forma di clessidra.
La barba come una lanterna.
Il mento come una zucca barucca.
Le orecchie come due manopole.
Il naso come un borzacchino innestato a occhio.
Le narici come una cuffietta.
Le sopracciglia come una leccarda. Sul sopracciglio sinistro recava un neo simile a un orinale per forma e grandezza.
Le palpebre come una ribeca.
Gli occhi come una pettiniera.
I nervi ottici come un acciarino.
La fronte come un cantero.
Le tempie come una pevera.
Le gote come due zoccoli.
Le mascelle come una ciotola.
I denti come spiedi da caccia. Dei suoi denti di latte, uno lo troverete a Colonges-les-Royaux, nel Poitou, e due alla Brosse, nel Saintonge, sulla porta della cantina.
La lingua come un'arpa.
La bocca come una gualdrappa.
La faccia stagliuzzata come il basto di un mulo.
La testa conformata come una cucurbita d'alambicco.
Il cranio come un carniere.
Le suture come l'anulus piscatoris116.
La pelle come una casacca.
L'epidermide come un crivello.
I capelli come una brusca.
Il pelo come sopra».
CAPITOLO XXXII
Ancora su Quaresimarca e le sue attitudini
«Quanto alle attitudini e particolarità di Quaresimarca» disse Xenomane continuando, «nulla di più sorprendente e ammirevole in natura.
Se sputava, erano grembialate di cardi selvatici.
Se smoccicava, erano anguillette salate.
Se piangeva, erano anitre in salsa di cipolle.
Se tremava, erano lepri in salmi.
Se sudava, erano merluzzi al burro fresco.
Se ruttava, erano ostriche al guscio.
Se starnutiva, erano mastelli di mostarda.
Se tossiva, erano scatole di cotognata.
Se singhiozzava, eran mannelli di crescione.
Se sbadigliava, erano terrine di piselli macinati.
Se sospirava, erano lingue di bue affumicato.
Se fischiava, erano ceste di scimmie verdi.
Se russava, eran canestri di fave sbucciate.
Se parlava, era burello grosso d'Alvernia, ben diverso dalla seta cremisina di cui Parisatide voleva intessuti i detti di coloro che parlavano a suo figlio Ciro, re dei Persiani.
Se soffiava, erano banchi per le Indulgenze.
Se ammiccava, erano cialde e cialdoni.
Se brontolava, eran gatti marzolini.
Se dondolava il capo, eran carrette ferrate.
Se faceva boccacce, eran bastoni rotti.
Se borbottava, erano scherzi da curiali.
Se pestava i piedi, eran proroghe quinquennali.
Se rinculava, erano galligrù di mare.
Se sbavava, eran forni feudali.
Se aveva la raucedine, eran danze moresche.
Se scoreggiava, erano scarpe di vacchetta bruna.
Se loffiava, erano stivaletti di cuoio di Cordova.
Se si grattava, eran nuovi rescritti.
Se cantava, eran piselli con la buccia.
Se defecava, erano gallinacci e spugnole.
Se sbuffava, eran cavoli all'olio, alias olio con i cavoli.
Se discorreva, erano nevi dell'anno scorso.
Se si angustiava, era tanto per i calvi che per i pelati.
Se stringeva troppo, non voleva nulla.
Se pensava, eran cazzi volanti e rampicanti su per i muri.
Se sognava, eran cartelle di rendita.
«Stranamente, lavorava nulla facendo; nulla faceva lavorando. Coribanteggiava dormendo, dormiva coribanteggiando, gli occhi aperti come fanno le lepri della Champagne, temendo un qualche colpo di mano di anduglie travestite, le sue eterne nemiche. Rideva mordendo, mordeva ridendo. Nulla mangiava digiunando, digiunava nulla mangiando. Rosicchiava per sospetto, beveva per immaginazione. Faceva il bagno in cima ai campanili, si asciugava dentro stagni e riviere. Andava a pesca nell'aria e vi prendeva granchi decumani. Cacciava in fondo al mare e vi trovava ibici, stambecchi e camosci. A tutte le cornacchie colte di sorpresa di solito cavava gli occhi117. Non aveva paura di nulla, salvo della sua ombra e del grido dei caprioli grassi. Certi giorni faceva il bighellone. Scherzava coi santi e venerava i fanti. Usava il pugno in luogo del martello. Col suo grande calamaio, scriveva pronostici e almanacchi su pergamene pelose».
«Ecco quello che si dice un tipo in gamba» disse fra Giovanni. «È il mio uomo. È quello che cerco. Adesso gli mando un cartello di sfida».
«Ecco» disse Pantagruele, «una strana e mostruosa membratura d'uomo, se uomo si può chiamare. E mi richiama alla mente la conformazione e il contegno di Smodato e Discordanza».
«E com'erano fatti?» domandò fra Giovanni. «Io, Dio mi perdoni, non ne ho mai sentito parlare».
«Io» rispose Pantagruele, «ve ne posso dire quello che ho letto negli apologhi antichi118. Physis, cioè la Natura, al suo primo parto, generò Bellezza e Armonia, e ciò senza copulazione carnale, essendo per se stessa assai fertile e feconda. Antiphysia, che da sempre fu avversa alla Natura, ebbe subito invidia di quel parto così bello e onorevole, e per tutta risposta, accoppiandosi con Tellumone119, mise al mondo Smodato e Discordanza.
«Essi avevano la testa a sfera, interamente rotonda come un pallone, e non leggermente schiacciata ai lati com'è la testa umana. Le orecchie avevano erette come grandi orecchie d'asino; gli occhi fuori della testa, fissati su di un osso simile all'osso del calcagno, senza sopracciglia, duri come quelli dei gamberi; i piedi rotondi come una palla; le braccia e le mani volte all'indietro verso le spalle; e camminavano sulle loro teste, ruotando di continuo, il culo al di sopra della testa e i piedi per aria. E, come fanno le scimmie, i cui scimmiotti sembrano loro più belli d'ogni cosa al mondo, così Antiphysia lodava i suoi piccoli e s'ingegnava a dimostrare che la loro conformazione era più bella e attraente di quella dei figli di Physis, dicendo che l'avere testa e piedi a sfera e il camminare così ruotando intorno, erano la forma più appropriata e l'andatura più perfetta; che anzi teneva del divino, stante che i cieli e ogni altra cosa eterna si configurano appunto così e nella forma e nel moto. L'avere poi la testa in basso e i piedi per aria, altro non era che imitazione del Creatore dell'Universo, visto che i capelli sono nell'uomo come radici, le gambe come rami, e che gli alberi sono più saldamente piantati a terra con le radici di quanto non lo sarebbero coi rami; e con ciò dava per dimostrato che i suoi figli, somigliando a un albero diritto, erano assai più prestanti e perfetti dei figli di Physis che somigliavano a un albero capovolto. Quanto alle braccia e alle mani, argomentava che più ragionevolmente eran volte all'indietro perché le parti posteriori del corpo non dovevano restare senza difesa, atteso che le parti anteriori erano munite a sufficienza in grazia dei denti, coi quali la persona può non soltanto masticare senza aiuto delle mani, ma anche difendersi dalle cose nocive. Così, togliendo a esempio e confronto bestie immonde e selvagge, tirava dalla sua tutti i matti e gl'insensati ed era ammirata da tutte le persone scervellate e sprovviste di buon giudizio e di senso comune.
«In seguito essa generò i Mattagotti (ovverosia i Macachi da salimbanco); i Bigotti; i Pappalardi; gli Sputainferni maniaci; i Calvini demoniaci120, impostori di Ginevra; i Puterbesi arrabbiati121; Schiodacristi, Fanfani, Gabbasanti, Cannibali, e altri mostri deformi e contraffatti a dispetto di madre Natura».
CAPITOLO XXXIII
Come Pantagruele avvistò un mostruoso fisitere nei pressi dell'isola Feroce
Verso mezzogiorno, nei pressi dell'isola Feroce, Pantagruele scorse di lontano un grande e mostruoso fisitere122, che veniva diritto verso di noi, ronfante e fragoroso, turgido, enorme, emergente a tratti più alto delle coffe delle nostre navi. E gettava dalla gola acqua davanti a sé, tanta da parere un grande fiume precipitante da una qualche montagna. Pantagruele lo segnalò al pilota e a Xenomane. Per consiglio del pilota, le trombe della Talamega123 suonarono l'allarme e l'ordine di combattimento.
A questo segnale, tutte le navi, galeoni, ramberghe, liburniche, si disposero nell'ordine stabilito dalla disciplina navale, disegnando la figura di una Y greca, la lettera di Pitagora, come vedete fare alle gru nel loro volo; cioè un angolo acuto; e alla testa era la Talamega, nave ammiraglia, pronta a combattere valorosamente. Fra Giovanni, allegro come sempre e pronto a tutto, prese posto al castello di prua coi bombardieri. Panurgo cominciò a gridare e a lamentarsi più che mai.
«Babilbabu» diceva, «ecco: peggio dell'anno scorso! Per la morte d'un bue, giuro che quello è il Leviatano descritto dal nobile profeta Mosè nella vita di quel sant'uomo di Giobbe. Quello c'inghiotte tutti, uomini e navi come pillole. In quella gola infernale non faremo più ingombro di un confetto muschiato nella gola di un asino. Arriva! Scappiamo! Scappiamo a terra! Dev'essere proprio il mostro marino destinato a divorare Andromeda quella volta là! Siamo bell'e perduti! Oh, fosse qui un qualche Perséo come dico io, per ammazzarlo!»
«Perséo o non Perséo, questo è affar meo» disse Pantagruele. «E non abbiate paura!»
«Virtù di Dio» disse Panurgo, «liberateci dalla causa se non volete l'effetto. Quand'è che dovremmo aver paura se non quando il pericolo è evidente?»
«Se la vostra sorte» rispose Pantagruele, «se il vostro destino fatale è quello di morire abbrustolito sul rogo, come ha detto poc'anzi fra Giovanni, dovreste aver paura di Piroo, di Eoo, di Etone e Flegonte, i famosi cavalli ignivomi, i cavalli del sole, che buttano fuoco dalle froge, e non dei fisiteri, che buttano acqua dalla gola e dalle orecchie. Nessuna minaccia di morte potrà venire a voi da quelle acque: semmai salvezza, vita e refrigerio».
«Io chiamo cuori e rispondete picche» disse Panurgo. «Virtù di un piccolo pesce, raccontatela a un altro! Non vi ho forse spiegato abbastanza la trasmutazione degli elementi e il rapporto stretto che c'è fra il bollito e l'arrosto, e viceversa? Aimè, eccolo! Io mi vado a nascondere da basso. Tanto siamo già bell'e morti. Vedo sotto la coffa la Parca traditore con i suoi forbicioni arrotati di fresco, che non vede l'ora di tagliarci il filo della vita. Attenzione che arriva! Oh che brutta, abominevole bestiaccia che sei! Se almeno buttasse vino buono, bianco, rosso, frizzante, delizioso, invece di quest'acqua amara, putida e salata, dico io, che magari sarebbe anche tollerabile; sarebbe il caso, magari, di prenderla con filosofia, sull'esempio di quel milord inglese, che avendo confessato i suoi delitti, fu condannato a scegliersi una morte di suo gusto e scelse di morire affogato dentro una botte di Malvasia. Oh, oh, eccolo! Diavolo d'un Satanasso e Leviatano! Non ti posso vedere da tanto che sei brutto e detestabile! Va' all'udienza, va'! Va' a farti mungere il lardo in Tribunale dai Cagarogne».
CAPITOLO XXXIV
Come il mostruoso fisitere fu sconfitto da Pantagruele
Superato il primo sbarramento ed entrato nel cuore della formazione, il mostro rovesciava a piene botti sui nostri galeoni acqua in tal quantità che pareva d'essere capitati sotto le cateratte del Nilo in Etiopia.
Dardi, quadrelli, giavellotti, spiedi, lance, alabarde, tragule, spuntoni, partigiane, gli piovevano addosso da tutte le parti. Fra Giovanni non si risparmiava. Panurgo moriva dalla paura. L'artiglieria tuonava, fulminava, tempestava alla diavola, e non certo per fargli il solletico. Ma con scarso profitto. Poiché le grosse palle di ferro e di bronzo, a vederle di lontano, sembravano sfaldarsi contro la sua pelle, come tegole al sole. Allora Pantagruele, considerata la situazione e la necessità, spiega le braccia e fa vedere al mondo di che cosa è capace.
Voi dite, ed è scritto, che quel cialtrone di Commodo, imperatore di Roma, tirava d'arco con tale destrezza che a grande distanza faceva passar le frecce fra le dita di bambini con le mani alzate senza nemmeno scalfirle.
Voi mi raccontate di quell'arciere indiano il quale, ai tempi di Alessandro il Grande, conquistatore dell'India, era di tal perizia da infilare di lontano le frecce in un anello, benché fossero dardi lunghi tre cubiti e con una punta di ferro così grossa e pesante da trapassar spadoni d'acciaio, spessi brocchieri, corazze temprate e tutto ciò che colpisse, fosse pure massiccio, resistente, duro e rinforzato quanto si possa immaginare.
Voi mi dite altresì le meraviglie d'abilità degli antichi francesi, i quali eccellevano su tutti nell'arte sagittaria. Essi, cacciando ogni sorta di bestie e nere e fulve, usavano strofinare il ferro delle frecce con elleboro, perché la carne della selvaggina diventava così più tenera, ghiotta, salutare e deliziosa, purché se ne tagliasse e togliesse la parte attorno alla ferita.
Ancora mi vantate l'abilità dei Parti che, tirando all'indietro, mettevano a segno lo strale sul nemico inseguitore con maggior sicurezza degli arcieri di ogni altra nazione tirando di fronte. E così celebrate gli Sciti anch'essi impareggiabili in quest'arte, dei quali si narra che un giorno un loro ambasciatore recasse in dono a Dario, re dei Persiani, un uccello, una rana, un topo e cinque frecce, senza aggiunger parola. Interrogato sul significato di simili doni e se avesse incarico di dire alcunché, l'ambasciatore rispose che no, lasciando Dario anche lui senza parola, sbalordito più che sorpreso. Senonché, uno dei sette capitani uccisori dei Magi, di nome Gobria, interpretò e gli spiegò la faccenda con queste parole:
«Con questi doni ed omaggi senza parole, gli Sciti vi mandano a dire che se i Persiani, come gli uccelli, non volano alti nei cieli, o come i topi non si rifugiano nel ventre della terra, o come le rane non si nascondono nel profondo degli stagni e delle paludi, tutti saranno mandati a perdizione dalla potenza e dalle saette degli Sciti»124.
Ebbene, il nobile Pantagruele, nell'arte del lanciare e dardeggiare, era incomparabilmente più ammirevole di tutti costoro. Infatti, a mille passi di distanza, con i suoi spaventevoli dardi e giavellotti (i quali, propriamente, per lunghezza, spessore, peso e ferratura, somigliavano alle grosse travi su cui poggiano i ponti di Nantes, Saumur, Bergerac e, a Parigi, il ponte dei Cambi e il ponte dei Mugnai) ti apriva un'ostrica senza slabbrarne il guscio; ti smoccolava una candela senza spegnerla; ti colpiva una gazza in un occhio; ti staccava le suole dalle scarpe senza danneggiarle; ti toglieva la fodera a una barbuta senza guastarla in nulla; ti sfogliava le pagine del breviario di fra Giovanni senza nemmeno spiegazzarle.
Con dardi e giavellotti di tal fatta, dei quali sulla nave era gran provvigione, al primo colpo inchiodò il fisitere in piena fronte, trapassandogli le mascelle e la lingua, per modo che non poteva più aprir bocca, né attingere acqua né tantomeno tirarcela addosso. Al secondo colpo gli infilzò l'occhio destro; al terzo, l'occhio sinistro. E fu visto il fisitere, con gran giubilo di tutti, portare in fronte quei tre corni immensi, un po' inclinati in avanti e convergenti a guisa di figura triangolare, e girare da una parte e dall'altra alla cieca, vacillante, landato, stordito e come prossimo a morte.
Non contento di ciò, Pantagruele gliene piantò un altro sulla coda, inclinato anche quello, ma all'indietro; poi altri tre a perpendicolo sopra la schiena, in modo che la distanza fra la testa e la coda risultò divisa in tre parti esattamente uguali. Poi cominciò a tempestarlo sui fianchi e gliene infilò cinquanta da una parte e cinquanta dall'altra. Cosicché il corpo del fisitere somigliava a un galeone a tre alberi, con calette esattamente commisurate ai maschi d'incastro delle ordinate e dell'alberatura125. Ed era cosa assai spassosa a vedersi.
Morendo, il fisitere si rovesciò a pancia in su come avviene di tutti i pesci morti; e così rovesciato, con quei travi che pescavano in acqua, somigliava a una scolopendra, il serpe a cento piedi, come lo descrive l'antico scienziato Nicandro.
CAPITOLO XXXV
Come Pantagruele approda all'isola Feroce,
antica dimora delle Anduglie126
I vogatori della nave Lanterniera127, legato il fisitere, lo rimorchiarono a terra su un'isola vicina, chiamata isola Feroce, per farne l'anatomia e raccoglierne il grasso dei rognoni che dicevano essere utilissimo e necessario per la guarigione di una malattia ch'essi chiamavano micragna128.
Pantagruele non gli dava alcuna importanza, perché altri simili e anche più enormi ne aveva visti nell'oceano Gallico. Fu d'accordo tuttavia di far sosta sull'isola Feroce per consentire ad alcuni suoi uomini, fatti zuppi e sudici battagliando col mostro, di asciugarsi e ristorarsi convenientemente; e là trovammo riparo in un piccolo porto deserto esposto a mezzodì, a ridosso di un ameno boschetto d'alberi alti e belli donde scorreva un ruscello d'acqua dolce, chiara e argentina. Là, sotto belle tende, furono apprestate le cucine senza risparmio di legna; e come ognuno si fu rassettato e rinfrescato a piacere, fra Giovanni suonò la campanella. A questo segnale furono allestite le mense e prontamente servite le vivande.
Alla seconda portata, Pantagruele, che desinava allegramente coi suoi, vide certe piccole Anduglie addomesticate salire zitte zitte in cima a un grande albero presso la tenda del dispensiere, e domandò a Xenomane che bestie fossero, pensando si trattasse di donnole, o magari di scoiattoli o di martore o di ermellini.
«Sono le Anduglie» rispose Xenomane. «Questa è l'isola Feroce di cui vi parlavo questa mattina. Quaresimarca è il loro eterno e maligno nemico, ed esse sono in guerra mortale con lui da molto tempo. Io credo che a causa del gran cannoneggiare che abbiamo fatto contro il fisitere si siano un po' allarmate nel dubbio che il loro nemico sia qui d'attorno con le sue forze, intenzionato a sorprenderle e a mettere a sacco la loro isola, come già più di una volta ha tentato di fare, se pure con scarso profitto, data l'assidua vigilanza delle Anduglie, costrette (come diceva Didone ai compagni di Enea che volevano sbarcare a Cartagine a sua insaputa e senza sua licenza) dalla malignità dei nemici e dalla loro vicinanza, a premunirsi e a stare di continuo sul chi vive».
«Sì, mio caro» disse Pantagruele. «Ma se a voi sembra che, con qualche onesto espediente, sia possibile por fine a questa guerra e metter pace fra loro, ditemi il vostro avviso. Io mi ci impegnerei di tutto cuore e farei per parte mia tutto il possibile per addolcire e comporre i contrasti fra le parti».
«Al presente» disse Xenomane, «c'è ben poco da fare. Già quattro anni or sono, passando da qui e dall'isola di Sottobanco, mi assunsi il compito di indurli alla pace o almeno a una lunga tregua; e adesso sarebbero buoni amici e vicini se gli uni e gli altri si fossero spogliati delle loro animosità su di un punto solo. Quaresimarca pretendeva che il trattato di pace non riguardasse i Sanguinacci selvatici e le Bondiole montigene, antichi compari e fedeli confederati delle Anduglie. Le Anduglie pretendevano che la fortezza del Buzzo, già presidio delle Salacche loro alleate, fosse retta a discrezione delle medesime, e ne fossero discacciati non so che marrani, orridi ceffi, briganti e crassatori che l'occupavano. Sulle quali pretese non fu possibile alcun accordo, sembrando esse inique e all'una e all'altra parte, per opposte ragioni.
«Così la mediazione fallì. Tuttavia la contesa divenne meno acerba e disumana che per il passato. Ma poi, in seguito alla pronuncia del concilio nazionale di Chesil129, per la quale le Anduglie furono strapazzate, ingarbugliate, angariate e citate in giudizio, e lo stesso Quaresimarca dichiarato merdoso, fetente e baccalà, se mai avesse fatto alleanza e transazione alcuna con loro, ecco che gli animi si sono nuovamente e orribilmente inaspriti, inveleniti, indignati e incaponiti; e non è possibile porvi riparo. Più facile sarebbe riconciliare i gatti con i topi e le lepri coi cani».
CAPITOLO XXXVI
Come le Anduglie tesero un'imboscata al nobile Pantagruele
Mentre Xenomane così parlava, fra Giovanni s'accorse di un movimento sospetto sul porto: venticinque o trenta Anduglie di mezza tacca che si affrettavano a gran passi verso la loro città, o cittadella, o castello o rocca del Camino o della Griglia che dir si voglia; e disse a Pantagruele: «Mi sa che qui sta per succedere una qualche babbuinata. Magari queste venerabili Anduglie vi hanno scambiato per Quaresimarca, sebbene non gli somigliate per niente. Io credo che sia meglio lasciar perdere questo buon mangime e prepararsi a resistere».
«Penso anch'io che sia ben fatto» disse Xenomane. «Le Anduglie sono sempre Anduglie: sempre doppie e traditore».
Pantagruele allora si alza da tavola per dare un'occhiata in giro dietro il bosco e subito ritorna assicurandoci di avere scoperto, sulla sinistra un manipolo di Anduglie piccole e tracagnotte in agguato e pronte alla sortita, e sulla destra, lungo le pendici di una bassa collina, un battaglione di Anduglie gigantesche che marciavano verso di noi con guerriera baldanza, al suono allegro di flauti e cornamuse, budelli e vesciche, pifferi e tamburi, trombe e tromboni.
Congetturando dalle settantotto insegne ch'egli aveva contato, stimammo che il loro numero fosse intorno alle quarantaduemila o forse più. L'ordine che tenevano, il passo marziale, il piglio risoluto, tutto dava a pensare che non si trattasse di salamelle al primo sale, bensì di Anduglie da combattimento, veterane e bene agguerrite. Dalle prime file fin presso alle insegne erano tutte armate e catafratte da capo a piede, con mezze picche, a quanto appariva di lontano, ma bene appuntite ed acciaiate. Sulle ali erano fiancheggiate da grande stuolo di Sanguinacci selvatici, di Focacce farcite, di Salsiccioni a cavallo, tutti di grande statura, gente insulare, brigantesca e feroce.
Pantagruele ne fu grandemente turbato e non senza ragione; benché Epistemone gli facesse osservare che forse presso le Anduglie era usanza e costume festeggiare a quel modo e ricevere in armi gli amici stranieri, così come sono ricevuti e salutati i nobili sovrani di Francia al loro primo ingresso nelle fedeli città del reame, dopo la consacrazione e l'avvento al trono. «Forse» diceva, «si tratta della normale scorta della regina, la quale, avvertita dalle giovani Anduglie di vedetta, che avete visto sull'albero, del bello e fastoso convoglio dei vostri vascelli giunto all'approdo, ha pensato all'arrivo di un qualche ricco e potente principe e viene a ricevervi di persona».
Per nulla tranquillizzato, Pantagruele riunì il suo Consiglio per intenderne sommariamente l'avviso su ciò che convenisse fare in un simile frangente, fra l'incerta speranza e il ben fondato timore. E dimostrò brevemente come questa maniera di rendere onore con le armi avesse spesso nascosto insidie mortali sotto la lusinghevole parvenza di intenzioni amichevoli. «Così» diceva, «l'imperatore Antonino Caracalla aveva una volta massacrato gli Alessandrini, e un'altra volta sbaragliato il seguito di Artabano re dei Persiani, sotto pretesto e finzione di volerne sposare la figlia; anche se poi di lì a poco ne fu punito e vi perse la vita. Così i figli di Giacobbe, per vendicare il ratto della loro sorella Dina, massacrarono i Sichemiti. Con lo stesso subdolo espediente fu, da Gallieno, imperatore romano, aggredita e disfatta la guarnigione di Costantinopoli. Così, sotto specie d'amicizia, Antonio adescò Artavasdes, re d'Armenia, poi lo fece legare e caricare di grosse catene, e in fine uccidere. Mille altre storie del genere noi troviamo fra le antiche memorie. E bene a ragione è ancor oggi grandemente lodato re Carlo di Francia, sesto del nome, per la prudenza di cui fece prova ritornando in patria dopo aver debellato Fiamminghi e Gandesi. Giunto a Bourget, nei pressi della sua amata Parigi, e saputo che ventimila parigini, tutti con i loro magli (onde poi furono soprannominati Magliottini130) ne erano usciti in ordine di battaglia, non volle entrare nella città se prima non si fossero ritirati nelle loro case e disarmati, benché essi protestassero, in tutta buona fede, che si erano armati a quel modo per accoglierlo con più onore».
CAPITOLO XXXVII
Come Pantagruele mandò a chiamare i comandanti Sbafanduglie e Tagliabiroldi e come tenne ai suoi un notevole ragionamento sui nomi propri di luogo e di persona
La decisione del Consiglio fu di tenersi pronti per ogni evenienza.
Allora Pantagruele ordinò a Carpalim e Ginnasta di radunare gli uomini d'arme della nave Brentiera131, comandati dal capitano Sbafanduglie, e quelli della nave Corbiera132, comandati da Tagliabiroldi.
«È meglio che ci vada io, invece di Ginnasta» disse Panurgo. «La sua presenza è troppo necessaria qui».
«Per la tonaca che porto» disse fra Giovanni, «tu, coglion cortese, senti puzza di bruciato e te la vuoi filare; e so già, sul mio onore, che ti scorderai di tornare indietro. Non è una gran perdita, sapete. Non farebbe che frignare, lamentarsi, gridare e scoraggiare i bravi soldati».
«Io tornerò certamente» disse Panurgo. «Tornerò ben tosto, fra Giovanni, padre mio spirituale. Soltanto, date ordini affinché queste odiosissime Anduglie non si arrampichino sulle navi. E io, mentre combatterete, pregherò Dio per la vostra vittoria, sull'esempio del cavalleresco Capitano Mosè, condottiero del popolo d'Israele».
«Nel caso che le Anduglie volessero veramente attaccarci» disse Epistemone a Pantagruele, «il nome dei vostri due capitani, Sbafanduglie e Tagliabiroldi, ci assicura fortuna e vittoria».
«La vedete giusta» disse Pantagruele. «E mi piace sentirvi trarre previsioni e pronostici di vittoria dai nomi dei nostri capitani. Questa forma di onomatomanzia non è cosa di oggi. Essa fu già celebrata un tempo e religiosamente osservata dai Pitagorici, e molti grandi signori e imperatori dell'antichità ne profittarono ottimamente. Ottaviano Augusto, secondo imperatore di Roma, un giorno, incontrando un villico chiamato Eutiche, come dire Buonafortuna, che conduceva un asino chiamato Nicone, cioè, in lingua greca, Vittorioso, mosso dal significato dei nomi, sia dell'asino sia del padrone, ne trasse auspicio di tutta prosperità, felicità e vittoria133. Vespasiano, anch'egli destinato a reggere l'Impero, trovandosi un giorno in solitaria orazione nel tempio di Serapide, alla vista e all'arrivo inopinato di un suo servitore, chiamato Basilide, cioè Regale, ch'egli aveva lasciato infermo in un paese lontano, concepì la speranza e la certezza di ottenere la corona imperiale. Regiliano, non per altra causa né occasione fu eletto imperatore dai suoi guerrieri che per il significato del suo nome. Leggete il Cratilo del divino Platone...»
«Per la mia sete» disse Rizotomo, «lo voglio leggere. Ve lo sento citare spesso».
«... Vedete come i Pitagorici, a ragion di nomi e di numeri, conclusero che Patroclo doveva essere ucciso da Ettore, Ettore da Achille, Achille da Paride, Paride da Filottete. E rimango addirittura sbalordito e confuso quando penso alla mirabile invenzione di Pitagora, il quale, per via del numero pari e impari delle sillabe di un nome deduceva da quale banda gli umani fossero zoppi o gobbi, o guerci o gottosi o paralitici o pleuritici o altrimenti maleficiati in natura; e ciò assegnando il pari al lato sinistro e il dispari al lato destro».
«È vero» disse Epistemone. «E io ne ho fatto esperienza a una processione generale, presente il tanto buono, tanto virtuoso, dotto ed equanime presidente Brien Valée134, signore di Douhet. Quando passava uno zoppo o una zoppa, un guercio o una guercia, un gobbo o una gobba, gliene riferivamo il nome. Se le sillabe erano in numero dispari, subito, senza vedere le persone, egli diceva che erano deformi, guerce, zoppe o gobbe dalla parte destra. Se erano in numero pari, dalla parte sinistra. E sempre colse nel segno, senza eccezione».
«In virtù di questa scoperta» disse Pantagruele, «i dotti hanno affermato che Achille, stando in ginocchio, fu colpito dalla freccia di Paride al tallone destro; in effetti il suo nome era formato d'un numero pari di sillabe (e qui è da notare che gli antichi si inginocchiavano sul piede destro); che Venere, davanti a Troia, fu ferita da Diomede alla mano sinistra, perché il suo nome, in greco, era di quattro sillabe; che, per la stessa ragione, Vulcano zoppicava dal piede sinistro e Filippo re di Macedonia ed Annibale erano guerci dall'occhio destro. E lo stesso potremmo dire con precisione di sciatiche, ernie, emicranie, nelle quali si verifica questa ragion pitagorica.
«Ma, per tornare alla virtù augurale dei nomi, considerate come Alessandro il Grande, grazie all'interpretazione di un solo nome pervenne al successo là dove considerava ormai disperata l'impresa. Egli assediava la forte città di Tiro e l'assaliva con tutte le sue forze da più settimane; ma invano: a nulla valevano le sue macchine di guerra e le sue distruzioni. Tutto che venisse da lui demolito era, dagli assediati, rimesso in sesto immediatamente. Per cui gli venne voglia di levare l'assedio, ma col più grande scoramento, ravvisando in quella partenza una perdita insigne della sua reputazione. E in tal penoso frangente s'addormentò.
«Dormendo, sognò che un satiro era entrato nella sua tenda danzando e saltellando con le sue gambe di becco. Alessandro lo voleva prendere, ma il satiro sempre gli sfuggiva. Finalmente lo acculò in un cantone e lo acciuffò. A questo punto si svegliò, e raccontando il suo sogno ai filosofi e sapienti della sua corte intese che gli dèi gli promettevano vittoria e che Tiro sarebbe caduta ben presto in sua mano, poiché questa parola Satyros, divisa in due, diventa Sa Tyros, che significa: Tua è Tiro. Infatti al primo assalto conquistò la città di forza e con una vittoria folgorante soggiogò quel popolo ribelle.
«Al contrario, considerate come, per il significato di un nome, Pompeo disperò. Vinto da Cesare nella battaglia farsalica, non gli restava altra via di salvezza che la fuga. Fuggendo per mare, arrivò all'isola di Cipro e presso la città di Pafo vide sulla riva un palazzo bello e sontuoso. Chiesto al pilota come si chiamasse questo palazzo, gli fu risposto che lo chiamavano Cacobasilea, vale a dire cattivo re. Questo nome gli mise addosso tale spavento ed orrore che fu preso da disperazione nella certezza di non avere scampo e che ormai la sua morte era vicina: al punto che i suoi seguaci e nocchieri udirono le sue grida e gemiti e sospiri. Difatti, poco tempo dopo, un oscuro contadino di nome Achillas gli tagliò la testa.
«Ancora potremmo ricordare, a questo proposito, ciò che avvenne a L. Paolo Emilio, quando fu nominato imperatore, cioè capo dell'esercito che il senato romano inviava contro Perseo re di Macedonia. Quel giorno, verso sera, tornato alla sua casa per prepararsi a partire, baciando una sua figlioletta chiamata Trazia, avvertì ch'essa era un po' triste. "Cos'hai" disse, "mia Trazia? Perché sei così triste e contrariata?". "Padre mio" rispose lei. "Persa è morta". Persa era il nome d'una cagnetta che era la sua delizia. Ma da quelle parole Paolo trasse la certezza della vittoria contro Perseo.
«E se ci bastasse il tempo per parlare della sacra Bibbia, vi troveremmo cento passi insigni che ci mostrano con evidenza in quale religiosa considerazione gli Ebrei tenessero i nomi propri e i loro significati».
Sulla fine di questo discorso arrivarono i due comandanti con i loro soldati, tutti bene armati e risoluti. Pantagruele tenne loro una breve esortazione affinché avessero a mostrarsi valorosi nella battaglia, nel caso che vi fossero costretti (perché ancora non poteva credere che le Anduglie fossero tanto fellone); ordinò che in ogni caso non attaccassero per primi, e diede loro, come parola d'ordine, Martedìgrasso.
CAPITOLO XXXVIII
Perché le Anduglie non sono poi tanto da meno degli uomini
Voi mi prendete sotto gamba, lo so, miei cari bevitori, e non credete che la verità sia come ve la conto. Io non so cosa farci. Credete se volete. Se non volete, andate a vedere. Ma io so bene quello che vidi; e fu nell'isola Feroce. Io ve l'ho detto. E ricordatevi la forza dei giganti antichi, i quali riuscirono a scaraventare il monte Pelio, che pure era alto, in cima al monte Ossa, e ad incappucciare con questo l'ombroso Olimpo, per combattere gli dèi e snidarli dal cielo. Non era impresa da tutti né da poco. Eppure quei giganti, per metà del corpo, non erano che Anduglie, o – perché non mi si dica che racconto bubbole – serpenti.
Il serpente tentatore di Eva era andugliesco. Ciononostante, di lui è scritto ch'era il più fine e il più astuto fra tutti gli animali. Tali sono le Anduglie.
Ancor oggi si sostiene in certe accademie che questo tentatore fosse nient'altro che l'Anduglia chiamata Itifallo135 e tale divenuta per precorsa metamorfosi del buon messer Priapo, gran subornatore di donne in quei recessi che i Greci chiamavano paradisi e i Francesi chiamano giardini. E i Lucani, popolo un tempo ardito e guerriero, che ne sappiamo se in origine non fossero Lucaniche?136 Io non vorrei metterci la mano sul fuoco. Ma gli Imantopodi, popolo d'Etiopia molto insigne, sono, secondo la descrizione di Plinio, né più né meno che Anduglie137.
Se questi discorsi non soddisfano l'incredulità delle signorie vostre, recatevi tosto (voglio dire dopo bevuto) a visitare Lusignano, Parthenay, Vouvent, Mervent e Pouzauges nel Poitou. Là troverete testimoni d'antico nome e di buona lega, i quali vi giureranno sul sacro braccio di San Rigomé138 che Melusina, loro prima fondatrice, aveva corpo di femmina fino allo scuoiacazzi, e da lì in giù era Anduglia serpentina, o se volete, serpente andugliesco. Essa tuttavia aveva movenze ardite e galanti, le quali sono ancor oggi imitate dai ballerini bretoni quando ballano gorgheggiando i loro trioris139.
Del resto quale fu la causa per la quale Erittonio inventò per primo i cocchi, le lettighe e le carrette? La ragione fu che Vulcano l'aveva generato con gambe d'Anduglia, per nascondere le quali preferì andare in lettiga e non a cavallo. Perché ancora, ai suoi tempi, le Anduglie non erano tenute in gran conto.
Anche Ora, la ninfa scitica, aveva per metà corpo di donna e per metà di Anduglia. Essa tuttavia parve a Giove tanto bella che il dio si giacque con lei e ne ebbe un bel figliolo chiamato Colaxes. Finitela perciò di sogghignare e credete che non c'è nulla di più vero tranne il Vangelo.
CAPITOLO XXXIX
Come fra Giovanni si accorda coi cuochi per combattere le Anduglie
Vedendo fra Giovanni queste furiose Anduglie marciare con sì allegra baldanza, disse a Pantagruele:
«A quel che vedo, avremo una battaglia tutta da ridere. Oh, quali allori, quali splendide lodi coroneranno la nostra vittoria! Datemi retta: questa battaglia ve la potete godere come spettacolo dall'alto della vostra nave. Per il resto, lasciate fare a me con la mia gente».
«E quale gente?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Materia di breviario» rispose fra Giovanni. «Mi sapreste dire perché Putifarre, capocuoco delle cucine di Faraone, quel Putifarre che comprò Giuseppe e che Giuseppe avrebbe fatto becco se avesse voluto, fu capitano della cavalleria di tutto il reame d'Egitto?140 E ancora: perché Nabuzardan, capo cuciniere del re Nabucodonosor, fu prescelto fra tutti i capitani per assediare e distruggere Gerusalemme?»141
«Ascolto» disse Pantagruele.
«Per l'orifizio di Madama!» disse fra Giovanni. «Io sarei pronto a giurare che fu perché altra volta avevan combattuto con Anduglie o con genti altrettanto poco temibili e per combattere, domare, abbattere e saccheggiare le quali sono senza confronto più idonei ed addestrati i cuochi di qualunque guerriero, stradiotto, venturiero e fantaccino del mondo».
«Voi mi rinfrescate la memoria» disse Pantagruele, «di ciò che si trova scritto tra le facete ed allegre risposte di Cicerone. Al tempo delle guerre civili in Roma fra Cesare e Pompeo, egli inclinava naturalmente di più verso i pompeiani, benché Cesare lo ricercasse e lo favorisse in mille modi. Un giorno, avendo saputo che i partigiani di Pompeo, in un certo scontro, avevano subito perdite gravi, volle recarsi a visitare il loro accampamento, e vi scorse poca forza, meno coraggio e molto disordine. Allora, prevedendo che tutto sarebbe andato alla malora, come poi avvenne, prese a schernire e a berteggiare ora gli uni ora gli altri con quei motteggi acerbi e pungenti di cui ben conosceva lo stile. Al che, certi capitani, con allegra millanteria, gli additarono le insegne intorno al campo. "Non vedi" dissero, "quante aquile abbiamo ancora?". "Lo vedo bene" rispose Cicerone. "E sarebbe proprio quello che ci vuole, se aveste da combattere le gazze". Insomma, visto che dobbiamo misurarci con Anduglie, voi la vedete come una battaglia di cucina e intendete allearvi con i cuochi. Fate a vostro talento. Io starò qui a vedere come finisce questa fanfaronata».
Giubilante, fra Giovanni va alle tende dei cucinieri e dice loro in tutta cortesia:
«Ragazzi, oggi ha da essere la vostra gran giornata. Da voi saran compiute prodezze mai vedute a nostra memoria. Ventre di Dio! Non si fa dunque alcun conto dei valorosi cucinieri? Andiamo dunque a misurarci con queste porche Anduglie. Io sarò vostro capitano. Beviamo amici. Coraggio e avanti!»
«Ben detto, capitano» gridarono i cuochi ad una voce. «Eccoci pronti ai vostri graziosi ordini. Sotto la vostra guida vogliam vivere e morire».
«Vivere sempre, morire mai più!» disse fra Giovanni. «Morte alle Anduglie, invece, e non ne scampi una! Prepariamoci. Parola d'ordine: Nabuzardan!»
CAPITOLO XL
Come fra Giovanni mette in campo la Troia e i valorosi cuochi che vi chiude dentro
Allora i maestri ingegneri, agli ordini di fra Giovanni, allestirono la grande Troia ch'era dentro la nave Ciotoliera142. Era una macchina meravigliosa, fatta in tal modo che, da grosse colubrine disposte a ranghi giro giro, scagliava grosse palle di pietra e quadrelli guarniti di acciaio, e dal cui abitacolo potevano agevolmente combattere, stando al riparo, duecento uomini e passa; ed era costruita sul modello della famosa troia della Réole, mediante la quale Bergerac fu ritolta agli Inglesi, regnando in Francia il giovane re Carlo VI143.
Ed eccovi il numero e i nomi dei prodi e valorosi cucinieri che, come i Greci nel cavallo di Troia, entrarono in quella Troia là.
Salsaforte | Mastro Gualercio
---|---
Pigliamosche | Sambudello
Sfaticato | Leccavino
Tuttasugna | Salsaverde
Squarcuoio | Scottadito
Mandragola | Rostinciana
Panperduto | Coratella
Quimistò | Saltimbocca
Mestolino | Mastro Griglia
Fricandò | Maltagliato
Crespellino | Fricassea.
Tutti questi nobili cuochi recavano nei loro blasoni un capretto argentato in campo rosso, infilzato in un lardatoio e ciondolante a sinistra.
Lardonetto | Arcilardello
---|---
Lardello | Antilardello
Pappalardello | Friggilardello
Tiralardello | Legalardello
Grassolardello | Grattalardello
Salvalardello | Marcalardello
Gagliardello (per sincope. Il nome accademico di questo dottor di cucina, nativo di Rambouillet, era Gagliardolardello. Allo stesso modo voi dite idolatra per idololatra).
Durolardo | Belloallardo
---|---
Autolardo | Novolardo
Dolcelardo | Frescolardo
Masticalardo | Bigliallardo
Tientiallardo | Sbircialardo
Bastalardo | Pesalardo
Schiumalardo | Vesciallardo
Occhioallardo | Miralardo
Nomi sconosciuti fra marrani e giudei144.
Cogliuto | Agresto
---|---
Insalatiere | Stagnapentole
Crescioniere | Poggiapentole
Raschianavoni | Scotipentole
Suinarca | Scocciapentole
Pelledilepre | Raschiapentole
Zenzeretto | Tremolante
Pastelliere | Golasalsa
Radilardo | Lumacologo
Belbigné | Brodosecco
Mostardiota | Zuppadimarzo
Tuttovino | Girarrosto
Tuttazuppa | Cacimperio
Vitalone | Amaretto
Lasagnone | Articiocco
Michetta, che fu dalla cucina passata al servizio di camera per ingrassare le pernici del nobile cardinale Jean le Veneur145.
Bruciarrosti | Prematuro
---|---
Scopettone | Scalcalombo
Berrettino | Scalcaspalla
Spandibrace | Guastalatte
Verghetta | Passamonti
Vergaforte | Gonfiabudelli
Vergaviva | Pesceporco
Vergafiorita | Gabaonita
Verganova | Paraffione
Vergastriglia | Coccodrilletto
Vergaingloria | Moscardino
Vergavecchia | Lo sfregiato
Vergapelosa | La Buina
|
Mondam, inventore della salsa Madame e così chiamato per tale invenzione, in lingua scoto-francese.
Battidenti | Cialdonaro
---|---
Leccabaffi | Zaffroniere
Miralingua | Stringasciolta
Beccodichiurlo | Mastro Antico
Sciacquapignatte | Navoniere
Salamandra | Mondarape
Malnetto | Roventino
Scorfano | Maialetto
Roberto, il famoso inventore della salsa Roberto, tanto salubre e necessaria sui conigli arrosto, anitre, maiale fresco, uova in camicia, merluzzo salato e mille altrettali vivande.
Carpafredda | Salamistra
---|---
Nasorosso | Pinzimonio
Borbottone | Pimpillacchera
Scarabocchio | Salacchina
Cattabriciole | Pastafrolla
Cacasenno | Tuttobecco
Pantegana | Francatrippa
Involtino | Tuttomerda
Panperlasino | Moccioalsugo
Salatoio | Scannaporco
Tegamino | Leccarda
Scaldapanche | Gallogrù
Frustamattoni | Barbagianni
Ravanello | Badalucco
Cacaiola | Vedèl
Piediporco | Belgingin.
Dentro la Troia si annidarono dunque questi nobili cucinieri, gagliardi, galanti, rubizzi, pronti a tutto osare. Fra Giovanni, con la sua gran scimitarra, entrò per ultimo e chiuse dal di dentro le porte a molla.
CAPITOLO XLI
Come Pantagruele ruppe le Anduglie alle ginocchia146
Tanto si avvicinarono quelle Anduglie che Pantagruele poté vedere come già spiegavano le braccia e come abbassavano le lance. Allora mandò avanti Ginnasta per sentire cosa avessero da dire e in ragione di quali doglianze fossero così determinate a combattere contro i loro antichi amici, non colpevoli d'alcuna fellonia e che nulla avevano da rimproverarsi nei detti come nei fatti.
Davanti alle prime file, Ginnasta fece una grande e profonda riverenza e gridò più forte che poteva, dicendo:
«Vostri, vostri, vostri, siamo tutti dei vostri, tutti ai vostri ordini. Siamo amici di Martedìgrasso, il vostro antico confederato».
Qualcuno poi mi ha raccontato che Ginnasta, forse per l'emozione, invece di Martedìgrasso, aveva gridato Gradimartasso. Fatto si è che a questa parola, una cervellata maccianghera e screanzata sopravvanzò di corsa la fronte del battaglione e voleva prenderlo per la gola. «Per Dio» disse Ginnasta, «tu non ci entrerai che a fette; ché così intera non ce la faresti». E, brandendo a due mani il grande Baciaculo (com'egli chiamava la sua lanzichenecca) spartì d'un sol tratto la cervellata in due.
Gran Dio, quant'era grassa! Al vederla, mi venne in mente il grosso Toro di Berna, ucciso nella battaglia di Marignano, alla rotta degli Svizzeri147.
Non aveva, credetemi, meno di quattro dita di lardo sulla pancia.
Vista discervellata la cervellata, tutte le Anduglie si gettarono su Ginnasta, stramazzandolo brutalmente. Ma Pantagruele accorse tosto a gran passi con la sua gente a dargli manforte. E così cominciò il marziale pandemonio.
Sbaffanduglia trinciava Anduglie, Tagliabiroldi affettava Biroldi, mentre Pantagruele stroncava le Anduglie alle ginocchia. Fra Giovanni se ne stava tranquillo dentro la sua Troia, vedendo e considerando il tutto.
Ma a un tratto i Pasticci, che stavano all'imboscata, saltarono tutti fuori con grande clamore per dare addosso a Pantagruele.
Allora fra Giovanni, vedendo un così grande tumulto, apre le porte della sua Troia ed esce allo scoperto con i suoi bravi soldati, gli uni armati di capifuoco, gli altri brandendo alari, padelle, palette, calderotti, graticole, attizzatoi, molle da camino, leccarde, ramazze, marmitte, mortai, pestelloni, tutti in ordine come banditi. E tutti insieme, al grido spaventoso di Nabuzardan! Nabuzardan! Nabuzardan!, portano lo scompiglio fra i Sambudelli, piombano sui Pasticci.
Le Anduglie, alla vista di così grandi rinforzi, se la diedero a gambe al gran galoppo come se avessero visto tutti i diavoli. Fra Giovanni, a colpi di palle di pietra, le abbatteva fitte come mosche, e anche i suoi gregari ce la mettevano tutta. Era una pietà. Tutto il campo era coperto di Anduglie morte o sconciate. E dice la storia che, se Dio non vi avesse provveduto, la stirpe delle Anduglie, ad opera di quei veterani di cucina, sarebbe stata cancellata dalla faccia del mondo. Ma avvenne un fatto prodigioso. Voi lo crederete se vi accomoda.
Dalla parte di Tramontana, arrivò per l'aria un grande, grosso, grigio porcello, che aveva ali lunghe ed ampie come le ali di un mulino a vento. Ed era di piumaggio rosso cremisi come quei fenicotteri che in Linguadoca chiamano Fiammanti. Gli occhi rossi e rutilanti come piropo; le orecchie verdi come smeraldo brasiliano; i denti gialli come topazio; la coda lunga, nera come marmo luculliano148; i piedi bianchi, diafani e trasparenti come diamante e largamente palmati come quelli delle oche e come appunto li portava un tempo, a Tolosa, la regina Pedoca149. E aveva al collo un gran collare d'oro, recante intorno una scritta di cui potei leggere soltanto due parole: ΥΣ ΑΘΗΝΑΝ, porco che insegna a Minerva150.
Il tempo era bello, ma all'arrivo di questo mostro, tuonò da sinistra così forte che ne restammo tutti storditi. Le Anduglie, come lo videro, subito gettarono lance e armature e tutte si inginocchiarono a terra, levando alte le loro mani giunte come se lo adorassero. Fra Giovanni, con la sua gente, picchiava sempre e schidionava Anduglie. Ma poi, per ordine di Pantagruele, fu suonata la ritirata e il combattimento cessò. Il mostro, dopo aver sorvolato più volte, avanti e indietro, e l'una e l'altra armata, lasciò cadere a terra più di ventisette vasi di mostarda, poi disparve, volando via per l'aria e gridando senza posa: Martedìgrasso, Martedìgrasso, Martedìgrasso!».
CAPITOLO XLII
Come Pantagruele parlamenta con Nifleseth, regina delle Anduglie
Sparito il mostro e rimaste le Anduglie in silenzio, Pantagruele chiese di parlamentare con la signora Nifleseth151 (così si chiamava la regina delle Anduglie) la quale sedeva nel suo cocchio presso le insegne. Ciò che fu accordato senza difficoltà. La regina scese a terra e graziosamente salutò Pantagruele, facendo mostra di vederlo con piacere. Pantagruele si dolse di quella sciagurata guerra. Essa gli fece oneste scuse adducendo che l'errore era dovuto ai falsi rapporti delle sue spie, le quali le avevano riferito che Quaresimarca, il loro eterno nemico, era sceso a terra e passava il tempo a squartare fisiteri. Poi lo pregò che volesse, di grazia, perdonare l'offesa, affermando che nel cuore di un'Anduglia era più facile trovar merda che fiele. A questi patti, lei stessa e tutte le Nifleseth destinate a succederle, da quel giorno in poi e per tutto il tempo a venire, avrebbero tenuto l'isola come vassalle e alleate di lui e dei suoi successori; avrebbero obbedito in tutto e per tutto ai suoi comandi; sarebbero state amiche dei suoi amici, dei suoi nemici nemiche; e a ogni fine settembre, a conferma di questo patto di fedeltà, gli avrebbero inviato settantottomila Anduglie reali da servire come antipasto per sei mesi dell'anno: omaggio che fu reso l'indomani stesso, inviando la regina al buon Gargantua sei Brigantini carichi delle suddette Anduglie, al comando della giovane Nifleseth, infanta dell'isola. E il nobile Gargantua ne fece a sua volta un presente, inviandole al grande re di Parigi. Ma per via del cambiamento d'aria e anche per mancanza di mostarda (balsamo naturale e conservativo per ogni sorta di Anduglie) morirono quasi tutte. Per concessione e decreto del gran re, furono interrate a mucchi in una strada di Parigi che ancor oggi è chiamata Rue pavée d'Andouilles152.
Per interessamento delle dame della corte reale, Nifleseth, la giovane, fu salvata e trattata onorevolmente. Poi fu data in moglie ad un nobile e ricco signore, e fece molti bei bambini; del che sia lode a Dio.
Pantagruele ringraziò amabilmente la regina, perdonò tutte le offese, rifiutò l'offerta di sudditanza e le fece dono di un bel coltellino del Percese153. Poi la interrogò con curiosità sull'apparizione del mostro volante. La regina rispose che quello era l'emblema di Martedìgrasso, loro nume tutelare in tempo di guerra, primo e originario fondatore della razza andugliesca. Perciò somigliava a un porcello, poiché le Anduglie sono di estrazione porcina. Pantagruele volle anche sapere perché, a che proposito e con quale intendimento curativo avesse quel nume rovesciato a terra tanta mostarda. La regina rispose che la mostarda era il loro Santo Graal154 e balsamo celeste che, spalmato sulle piaghe delle Anduglie, bastava a guarirle se soltanto ferite e a resuscitarle se morte.
Altri discorsi non tenne Pantagruele alla regina, e si ritirò sulla sua nave. Altrettanto fecero tutti gli allegri compagni, con armi e bagagli, Troia compresa.
CAPITOLO XLIII
Come Pantagruele sbarcò nell'isola di Ruach
Due giorni appresso giungemmo all'isola di Ruach155, e vi giuro, per le cinque stelle Gallinelle che io trovai là le condizioni di vita e il popolo più strano che si sia mai visto. Non vivono che di vento. Nulla bevono, nulla mangiano che non sia vento. Non hanno case che di banderuole. Nei loro giardini non coltivano che le tre specie di anemoni156 e ne estirpano accuratamente la ruta e le altre erbe carminative157. La gente si nutre di ventagli di piume o di carta o di tela, a seconda che può. I ricchi vivono di mulini a vento. Quando c'è qualche festino o banchetto, imbandiscono le tavole sotto uno o due di questi mulini. Là s'intrippano a loro agio, come a nozze; e intanto discutono sulla bontà, eccellenza, salubrità e rarità dei venti, come voi bevitori filosofate in materia di vini. C'è chi loda lo Scirocco, chi il Libeccio, chi il Garbino, chi il Maestrale, chi lo Zefiro, chi il Gualerno e così via. E non mancano gli estimatori del vento di camicia degli zerbinotti e degli innamorati. Per i malati, usano venti di fessura, come noi usiamo estratti, succhi e brodi ristretti, per i malati dei nostri paesi.
«Oh poter avere» mi diceva un piccolo gonfietto, «una bella vescica di quel buon vento che in Linguadoca chiamano Circe158. Il nobile medico Scurron, passando un giorno da queste parti, ci raccontava che è così forte che rovescia le carrette a pieno carico. Oh il gran bene che mi farebbe alle mie gambe edipiche!159 Le grosse non sono le migliori».
«Sì» disse Panurgo, «le gambe ma non le botti di quel buon vino di Linguadoca che cresce a Mireval, Cateperdrix e Frontignan, che più son grosse meglio è».
Vidi un uomo di nobile aspetto, assai somigliante a madama Idropisia e fortemente adirato, che, brandendo uno stivale, picchiava alla diavola un grosso valletto e un piccolo paggio. Ignorando la causa di tanta collera, pensai che fosse per consiglio dei medici, come cosa salutare: al padrone di adirarsi e picchiare, ai valletti di essere picchiati. Ma seppi poi che quel tale rimproverava ai valletti di essersi lasciati portar via dai ladri un mezzo otre di vento Garbino ch'egli custodiva gelosamente come vivanda preziosa per l'autunno.
Là, la gente non caca, non piscia, non sputa. In compenso, tutti vesciano, scoreggiano e ruttano copiosamente; e naturalmente soffrono ogni genere e specie di malattia, perché, come deduce Ippocrate in De Flatibus, ogni e qualsiasi morbo nasce e procede da ventosità. Ma la malattia più endemica è la colica flatuosa. Come rimedio usano enormi ventose e ne rendono forti ventosità. Muoiono tutti di idropisia timpanitica: gli uomini scoreggiando, le donne vesciando, per modo che l'anima, nell'un caso e nell'altro, se ne esce dal culo160.
Curiosando in giro per l'isola, incontrammo tre grossi sventati i quali andavano a spasso a vedere i pivieri, che abbondano in quei paraggi e vivono della stessa dieta161. Mi accorsi che, come voi bevitori nelle vostre scampagnate non andate mai senza scorta di bottiglie, fiaschi e fiaschette, così ognuno di loro portava alla cintura un piccolo grazioso soffietto. Se per caso il vento gli veniva a mancare, ne fabbricavano di fresco con i bei soffietti, per aspirazione ed espulsione alternata, poiché il vento, come sapete, non è che un va e vieni di aria fluttuante.
E qui ci raggiunse l'ordine del loro re di non accogliere per tre ore sulle nostre navi né uomo né donna del paese, perché gli avevano rubato una vescica di quello stesso vento che fu donato un giorno ad Ulisse da quel gran russatore di Eolo affinché potesse veleggiare con la sua nave nei giorni di accalmia: una riserva preziosa che il sovrano conservava religiosamente; e ne guariva moltissime e gravissime malattie, liberandone ed elargendone ai malati quel tantino che basterebbe a forgiare un peto virginale: quello che le sante monachelle chiamano sonetto.
CAPITOLO XLIV
Come piccole piogge abbattono grandi venti
Pantagruele lodava i loro ordinamenti e costumi e disse al loro podestà Ipenemiano162:
«Se fate vostra l'opinione di Epicuro, il quale diceva che il bene supremo consiste nella voluttà (e intendo voluttà facile a conseguirsi e non penosa) io vi reputo felicissimi fra gli uomini; poiché il vostro vivere, fatto di vento, non vi costa nulla o ben poco: basta soffiare».
«Vero» rispose il podestà, «ma in questa vita mortale non c'è nulla che sia lieto sotto ogni rispetto. Spesso, quando siamo a tavola, comodi come frati, gustando come manna celeste un qualche grande pregevole vento del buon Dio, ecco che sopravviene una piccola pioggia che lo abbatte e ce lo porta via di sotto il naso. Così molti pasti vanno perduti per mancanza di vettovaglie».
«Proprio come Tonino di Quinquenays163» disse Panurgo, «che pisciando fra le natiche della moglie Tonella, abbatte il fetido vento che ne usciva come dalla porta maestra di Eolo. E proprio l'altro giorno ci ho fatto sopra una graziosa decina:
Tonin, saggiando un dì i suoi vin novelli
che sapevano ancor di posatura,
chiamò Tonda e disse: "Questa sera,
per cena, voglio aringhe e rapanelli".
Così fu fatto. E dopo a letto vanno,
e dopo aver fottuto piglian sonno.
Ma lei, scoreggia e vescia a cul dirotto,
e lui non può dormire un sol momento;
per cui le piscia in culo e dice: "È un fatto
che poca pioggia abbatte grande vento».
«Come se non bastasse» diceva il podestà, «non passa anno che non ci tocchi di soffrire una calamità assai grave e rovinosa. È che un gigante chiamato Mandagiù, che abita nell'isola di Tahu, tutti gli anni a primavera, per consiglio dei medici, viene qui per purgarsi e ingoia come pillole una gran quantità di mulini a vento, e anche di soffietti, di cui è particolarmente ghiotto. Questo ci riduce alla miseria e ci tocca di digiunare tre o quattro quaresime l'anno, senza tener conto di altri particolari penitenze e rogazioni».
«E non c'è verso di rimediarvi?» chiese Pantagruele.
«Per consiglio dei nostri maestri mesenterici164» rispose il podestà, «in primavera, quando sappiamo che sta per arrivare, abbiamo provato a mettere dentro i mulini una grande quantità di galli e di galline. La prima volta che li mandò giù poco mancò che morisse, perché gli cantavano in corpo e gli volavano attraverso lo stomaco, per cui cadeva in lipotimia, affanno cardiaco e convulsioni orrende e pericolose, come se un qualche serpente gli fosse entrato dalla bocca nello stomaco».
«Ecco» disse fra Giovanni, «un comma fuor di proposito e del tutto incongruo. Ho udito dire altra volta che un serpente entrato nello stomaco non si avverte nemmeno e se ne torna subito fuori, sol che si abbia l'avvertenza di appendere il paziente per i piedi e di mettergli davanti alla bocca un pentolone pieno di latte caldo».
«Voi» disse Pantagruele, «l'avete udito dire, e così quelli che lo raccontarono a voi. Perché un rimedio simile non fu mai visto né letto. Ippocrate, nel libro V delle Epidemie, scrive di un caso del genere avvenuto al suo tempo, e il paziente morì immediatamente tra spasimi e convulsioni».
«E poi» diceva il podestà, «tutte le volpi del paese gli entravano in gola a caccia di galline, e stava per morire ogni momento, non fosse stato che per consiglio di un incantatore burlone, al momento del parossismo fece i gattini come antidoto e contravveleno. In seguito ebbe una pensata migliore e adesso si cura per clisteri che gli fanno con un decotto di grani di frumento e di miglio ai quali accorrono le galline, insieme a pezzetti di fegato d'oca ai quali accorrono le volpi. E prende anche per bocca delle pillole composte di cani levrieri e di terriers. Ecco il nostro malanno».
«D'ora in poi, brava gente» disse Pantagruele «non avete più nulla da temere. Questo terribile Mandagiù, divoratore di mulini a vento, è morto: morto e sepolto, ve lo garantisco. E morì soffocato e strangolato, mangiando un cantuccio di burro fresco davanti alla bocca di un forno caldo, per ordine dei medici165».
CAPITOLO XLV
Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dei Papafiche
L'indomani mattina approdammo all'isola dei Papafiche, i quali un tempo erano ricchi e liberi ed erano chiamati Benportanti. Adesso erano poveri, infelici, e soggetti ai Papimani. E c'era il suo perché.
Un giorno, per la festa annuale degli stendardi, i borgomastri, sindaci e gran rabbini dei Benportanti, erano andati per svago a vedere la processione nella vicina isola di Papimania. Uno di loro, alla vista del ritratto del papa (ch'era lodevole costume esporre al pubblico nei giorni di festa grande) gli squadrò le fiche: gesto che ha da quelle parti un significato di spregio e derisione manifesta. Per trarne vendetta, i Papimani, qualche giorno dopo, senza dire nemmeno «Aspetta me!», si misero tutti in armi, sorpresero, saccheggiarono e devastarono tutta l'isola dei Benportanti e passarono a fil di spada ogni uomo che avesse barba, risparmiando soltanto le donne e i giovincelli e a condizioni non più miti di quelle imposte un giorno ai Milanesi da Federico Barbarossa.
I Milanesi, lui assente, gli si erano ribellati e avevano cacciato dalla città l'imperatrice, sua moglie, montata ignominiosamente a rovescio su di una vecchia mula chiamata Thacor166: cioè con il culo verso la testa della mula e la faccia verso il groppone. Federico, al suo ritorno, avendoli di nuovo soggiogati e ridotti in cattività, tanto fece e tanto cercò che riuscì a ritrovare la famosa mula Thacor.
Allora, per suo ordine, il boia, in mezzo al gran Broletto167, in presenza e sotto gli occhi dei cittadini prigionieri, infilò un fico nelle vergogne di Thacor; poi a suon di tromba e a nome dell'imperatore, proclamò che chiunque volesse salva la vita, doveva tirar fuori quel fico con i denti e poi metterlo dentro come prima senza aiutarsi con le mani. Chiunque vi si rifiutasse, sarebbe stato impiccato e strangolato all'istante. Alcuni ebbero tale orrore e vergogna di una così abominevole ammenda che preferirono la morte e furono impiccati. Negli altri, la paura della morte fu più forte della vergogna, tanto che, dopo aver estratto il fico con i denti, lo esibivano al boia che lo vedesse bene, dicendo: Ecco lo fico168.
Ebbene, i rimasti di questi poveri Benportanti furono garantiti da morte e preservati a prezzo di eguale ignominia. Furono fatti schiavi e tributari e fu imposto loro il nome di Papafiche, perché avevano fatto le fiche al ritratto del Papa. Da allora in poi questa povera gente non aveva più conosciuto prosperità. Tutti gli anni, per loro, c'era soltanto grandine, tempesta, peste, carestia e ogni sorta di calamità, a punizione perenne del peccato dei loro avi e parenti.
Davanti a tante miserie e sciagure di questo popolo, non volemmo vederne di più. Tuttavia, per prendere acqua benedetta e raccomandarci a Dio, entrammo in una piccola cappella presso il porto: cadente, desolata e senza tetto, come il tempio di San Pietro a Roma169. Entrati nella cappella, al momento di prendere l'acqua benedetta, scorgemmo dentro la pila un uomo fasciato di stole, immerso completamente nell'acqua come un'anitra al tuffo, salvo appena la punta del naso per respirare. Attorno, c'erano tre preti ben rasati e tonsurati che leggevano gli scongiuri, esorcizzando i diavoli.
Pantagruele trovò strano il caso e, avendo chiesto a che gioco giocavano, apprese che, per tre anni filati, aveva regnato nell'isola una pestilenza così terribile che il paese era rimasto disabitato per più della metà e le terre senza più padroni. L'uomo che adesso era a bagno dentro la pila, possedeva un campo grande e redditizio. E un certo giorno a una certa ora, mentre, passata la pestilenza, lavorava il suo campo seminandovi grano calvello, un piccolo diavolo (uno di quei diavoli novellini che ancora non sanno tuonare né grandinare se non forse sui cavoli e sul prezzemolo, e nemmeno sanno leggere e scrivere) ottenne da Lucifero il permesso di venire a spassarsela un po' su quest'isola dei Papafiche, dove i diavoli, essendovi bene affiatati con gli uomini e con le donne, si recavano spesso in villeggiatura.
Questo diavolo, giunto sul posto, si rivolse al contadino e gli chiese cosa stesse facendo. Il pover'uomo rispose che seminava grano calvello per procurarsi di che vivere per l'anno seguente.
«Bene» disse il diavolo, «ma questo campo non è mica tuo: è mio, mi appartiene. Perché da quella volta che faceste le fiche al papa, tutto questo territorio fu aggiudicato, venduto ed assegnato a noi. Tuttavia, seminar frumento non è affar mio. Perciò ti lascio il campo, ma a condizione che spartiremo il profitto».
«Ci sto» rispose il contadino.
«Intendo» disse il diavolo, «che ne faremo due parti: una di quel che crescerà sopra la terra; l'altra di ciò che dalla terra sarà coperto. La scelta spetta a me, perché io sono un diavolo di antica e nobile stirpe e tu non sei che un villano. Io scelgo la parte sotto la terra; a te quella di sopra. Quando avremo il raccolto?»
«A metà luglio» rispose il contadino.
«Bene, non mancherò» disse il diavolo. «Tu intanto fa le cose a dovere. Lavora, villano, lavora! Io adesso me ne vado a stuzzicare la fregola delle nobili monachelle di Petasecco e di tutti i mangiamoccoli e fratacchioni dei dintorni. Del loro estro sono più che sicuro. La lussuria è un peccato gagliardo, e all'incontro delle due schiere ci sarà una gran bella battaglia di sottane».
CAPITOLO XLVI
Come il piccolo diavolo fu ingannato dal contadino papafichese
A metà luglio il diavolo si presentò all'appuntamento scortato da uno squadrone di diavoletti da coro170, e disse al contadino:
«E così, villano, come ti è andata dopo la mia partenza? Adesso dobbiamo fare le parti».
«Giusto» rispose il contadino. E cominciò con la sua gente a mietere il grano, mentre i diavoletti dal canto loro strappavano le stoppie da terra.
Poi il contadino batté il grano sull'aia, lo crivellò ben bene, lo mise nei sacchi e lo portò a vendere al mercato. I diavoletti fecero lo stesso al mercato si sedettero accanto al contadino per poter vender le loro stoppie. Il contadino fece buoni affari e con il denaro guadagnato riempì a metà un vecchio stivale che portava alla cintura. I diavoletti non vendettero nulla, ché anzi la gente e gli altri mercanti si burlavano di loro.
Chiuso il mercato, disse il diavolo al contadino:
«Villano tu mi hai gabbato una volta, non mi gabberai la seconda».
«Signor diavolo» rispose il contadino, «come potete dir questo se avete scelto voi per primo? Il fatto è che siete stato voi a cercare di imbrogliarmi. Voi speravate che dalla terra, per me, non venisse fuori nulla, e che sotto, invece, avreste ritrovato bello e intero tutto il grano che avevo seminato, per poi andare in giro con quello a sedurre la gente sfortunata, ipocriti e avari, e accalappiarli così per tentazione nei vostri lacci. Si vede che non siete vecchio del mestiere. Il grano che mi vedeste sotterrare è morto e corrotto, e la sua morte ha dato vita a quello che ho raccolto e che mi avete visto vendere. Come al solito avete scelto per il peggio. È per questo che siete maledetto dal Vangelo».
«Lasciamo perdere» disse il diavolo. «Piuttosto, che cosa pensi di seminare nel nostro campo per l'anno venturo?»
«Per far le cose bene e tirar su un buon guadagno» disse il contadino, «il meglio sarebbe seminar tutto a rape».
«Sei proprio un villano in gamba» disse il diavolo. «Semina rape quante più ne puoi e io ti guarderò dalle tempeste. Non un chicco di grandine cadrà sul nostro campo. Ma sia ben chiaro: io avrò per me la parte che vien fuori dalla terra, e a te ti toccherà la parte che rimane sotto. Lavora, villano, lavora! Adesso me ne vado a tentare un po' di eretici. So che alla griglia sono anime ghiotte e delicate. Il mio signor Lucifero ha la colica e sarà una festa per lui».
Venuto il tempo del raccolto, il diavolo arrivò sul posto con uno squadrone di diavoletti suoi attendenti, e là, trovato il contadino con la sua gente, cominciò a falciare e a raccogliere le foglie, mentre il contadino, dietro di lui, tirava su con la zappa le rape e le insaccava. Poi se ne andarono insieme al mercato. Il contadino smerciò egregiamente le sue rape. Il diavolo non vendette nulla e, quel che è peggio, fu da tutti pubblicamente deriso.
«Vedo bene, villano» disse il diavolo, «che me l'hai fatta un'altra volta. Questa storia del campo a mezzadria fra me e te non mi quadra più. Il patto è cambiato. Ci batteremo a graffi e chi dei due si arrenderà per primo, cederà all'altro la sua parte del campo. Ce la vedremo da qui a otto giorni. Sta tranquillo, villano, che ti graffierò alla diavola. Stavo per andare a intrappolare con un po' di tentazioni una qualche dozzina di quei predoni Cagarogne e intorbidaprocessi, notai falsari e avvocati prevaricatori che conosco bene, ma essi mi han mandato a dire per un loro turcimanno ch'erano già tutti miei. Tant'è, Lucifero ne ha fin sopra i capelli delle loro anime. Per solito, le destina alla mensa dei sozzi diavoli di cucina; a meno che non siano conservati sotto sale. Voi dite che non c'è migliore asciolvere che di baccellieri, miglior desinare che di avvocati, miglior merenda che di vignaroli, cena migliore che di mercanti, miglior pusigno che di cameriere, piatto migliore che di farfarelli171. È vero. Infatti, il mio signor Lucifero, a tavola, per cominciare, vuol sempre una portata di farfarelli, come eupeptico. Ma, aimè, questi farfarelli, da qualche anno in qua, hanno aggiunto ai loro studi la santa Bibbia. Per questa ragione non c'è più verso di menarli al Diavolo. E ho paura che, se non ci aiutano i collitorti a strappar loro dalle mani di prepotenza – con minacce, ingiurie, forza, violenza e roghi – il loro San Paolo, ho proprio paura che laggiù non riusciremo più a sgranocchiarcene nemmeno uno. Avvocati sì, stroppiatori del diritto e sanguisughe dei poverelli non ne mancano mai alla tavola di Lucifero: è il piatto forte di tutti i giorni. Ma sempre e sempre la stessa zuppa, alla lunga viene a noia. L'altro giorno, in pieno capitolo, ha detto che gusterebbe volentieri l'anima di un mangiamoccoli che avesse dimenticato nel suo sermone di raccomandarsi alle preghiere dei fedeli, e promise doppia paga e una bella gratifica a chiunque gliene scodellasse una lì su due piedi. Ognuno di noi si mise in caccia, ma senza alcun profitto, perché tutti i mangiamoccoli erano occupati a intrattenere le nobili dame sui miracoli e le visioni di Santa Sorcola172.
«Quanto alle merende, se ne astiene completamente dal giorno che gli venne quella colica spaventosa a causa che, nelle contrade boreali, i suoi rampolli, vivandieri, carbonai e pizzicaroli erano stati villanamente oltraggiati173. Per cena, se la cava assai bene coi mercanti usurai, ipotecari, barattieri, falsimonetari e intruglioni di ogni risma. E certe volte, quando è in buona, se gli offrite un bel pusigno di cameriere (quelle che dopo aver bevuto il vino del padrone rifanno il pieno alla botte con acqua puzzolente) non dice di no.
«Lavora, villano, lavora! Io me ne vado a tentare gli studentelli di Trebisonda, affinché, abbandonando e padri e madri e ogni regola del vivere comune, ed emancipandosi dagli editti del loro re, possano vivere in sotterranea libertà, disprezzare tutti, ridersi di ciascuno, e tramutarsi per sempre in gentili farfarelli, indossando il piccolo, grazioso ed allegro copricapo dell'innocenza poetica»174.
CAPITOLO XLVII
Come il diavolo fu ingannato da una vecchia papafichese
Il contadino, tornandosene a casa, era triste e pensieroso. Sua moglie, a vederlo così, pensò che lo avessero derubato al mercato. Ma udendo la ragione della sua malinconia e vedendo la sua borsa piena di soldi, lo riconfortò e lo assicurò che da quel graffiamento che tanto lo sgomentava non aveva da temere alcun danno, a condizione che si stringesse a lei e riposasse su di lei; che lei sapeva già come venirne fuori.
«Male che vada» diceva il contadino, «mi buscherò un bel graffio, mi arrenderò al primo colpo e gli dirò che si prenda pure il mio campo».
«Niente, niente» disse la vecchia. «Stringetevi a me, riposate su di me e lasciate fare a me. Ecco, così. Non mi avete detto che è un diavoletto di primo pelo? Ebbene, saprò fare in modo che se la batta lui per primo, e il campo sarà nostro. Fosse stato un diavolaccio grande e grosso, sarebbe un altro discorso».
Il giorno stabilito per la sfida era proprio quello del nostro arrivo all'isola. Già di buon mattino, il contadino si era confessato ben bene, si era comunicato da buon cattolico e poi, per consiglio del curato, si era nascosto a bagno nella pila dell'acqua santa, così come noi l'avevamo trovato. E proprio mentre ci raccontavano questa storia, qualcuno venne a dirci che la vecchia aveva abbindolato il diavolo e guadagnato il campo.
Ed ecco com'era andata.
Il diavolo si era fatto alla porta del contadino suonando e strepitando.
«Villano, ehi villano» gridava, «tira fuori le unghie villano!»
Poi entra in casa spavaldo e risoluto, ma non trova il contadino e vede invece sua moglie per terra che piange e si dispera. «Che storia è questa?» dice. «Dov'è? Che fa?».
«Vorrei proprio saperlo dov'è, quella carogna!» dice la donna. «Quel boia, quel brigante che mi ha assassinata! Son rovinata. Mi sento morire dal male che mi ha fatto».
«Ah, così!» dice il diavolo. «Adesso ve lo concio io per le feste!»
«Il boia, il tiranno, lo scuoiadiavoli! Sapete cosa mi ha detto? Mi ha detto che doveva fare a unghiate con voi, e così, tanto per provarsi le unghie, mi ha dato una raschiatina qui fra le gambe con il dito mignolo e mi ha assassinata del tutto. Son rovinata. Non guarirò mai più! Guardate! E poi è andato dal maniscalco a farsi affilare e appuntire le grinfie. Siete spacciato, signor diavolo, amico mio! Sparite fin che siete in tempo. Quello non lo tiene nessuno. Ritiratevi, ve ne prego». E intanto si scopre tutta fino al mento, proprio come si mostraron le donne persiane ai figli che fuggivano dalla battaglia, e gli mostra la sua come si chiama in tutte le dimensioni.
«Macon, Macon!» esclama il diavolo alla vista di quella enorme soluzione di continuità. «Macon, Demogorgon, Aletto, Persefone, Megera, guai a me se mi prende! Eh sì! Eh no! Io me la batto lesto lesto, e che si tenga il suo campo».
E alla parola era seguito il fatto.
Udito l'esito e la fine della storia, ci ritirammo sulla nostra nave e non ci trattenemmo più oltre. Ma, prima di far vela, Pantagruele inviò alla fabbriceria della chiesa diciottomila reali d'oro, in considerazione della povertà di quel popolo e delle calamità del luogo.
CAPITOLO XLVIII
Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dei Papimani
Lasciata l'isola desolata dei Papafiche, navigavamo da un giorno in tutta serenità e piacere, quando si offrì alla nostra vista la benedetta isola dei Papimani. Non appena gettate le ancore in porto e prima ancora che avessimo annodato le gomene, vennero alla nostra volta su di un battello quattro personaggi diversamente vestiti: uno da monaco, incocollato, impillaccherato e stivalato; uno da falconiere, con un logoro e un guanto da uccellatore; uno da procuratore legale, con in mano un gran sacco pieno di deposizioni, citazioni, intimazioni e controdeduzioni; uno da vignarolo d'Orléans, con belle ghette di tela, una cesta e una ronca alla cintura.
Giunti alla nostra nave, subito si misero a gridare tutti insieme:
«L'avete visto, passeggeri, l'avete visto?»
«Chi?» domandò Pantagruele.
«Quello là, quello là!» risposero.
«Ma chi, per la morte d'un bue, che lo ammazzo di legnate!» disse frate Giovanni, pensando che ce l'avessero con qualche ladrone, assassino o sacrilego.
«Come, o gente straniera, non conoscete l'Unico?»
«Signori» disse Epistemone, «le vostre parole ci suonano oscure. Spiegateci, per favore, di chi intendete parlare e vi diremo la verità senza nulla nascondere».
«L'Unico è colui che è. Lo vedeste mai?»
«Nella nostra dottrina teologica» disse Pantagruele, «Colui che è è Dio; e fu con queste stesse parole che si dichiarò a Mosè. Certo che non l'abbiamo mai visto. Egli è invisibile ad occhio umano».
«Ma noi» replicarono quelli, «non intendiamo quell'altro Dio che regna nei cieli. Noi parliamo del Dio sopra la terra. Lo vedeste mai?»
«Sul mio onore» disse Carpalim, «quelli ce l'hanno col Papa».
«Oh sì, oh sì!» disse Panurgo. «Certamente, signori. Ben tre ne ho visti. Ma non è che a vederli ci ho guadagnato molto».
«Come sarebbe? Le nostre Decretali175 cantano chiaro che non ce n'è mai più di uno, vivente».
«Naturalmente» disse Panurgo. «Uno dopo l'altro. Voglio dire che ne ho visto uno per volta»176.
«Oh tre e quattro volte fortunati mortali!» esclamarono i quattro. «Siate i benvenuti, i benvenutissimi, i mille e diecimila volte benvenuti!»
Poi si prostrarono davanti a noi e volevano baciarci i piedi. Cosa che non permettemmo, spiegando loro che, se fosse arrivato lì il Papa in persona, non avrebbero potuto fare di più.
«Lo faremo di più, lo faremo!» protestarono. «Tutto è già previsto e stabilito. Noi gli baceremo il culo senza foglia e i coglioni con pari devozione. Perché il Santo Padre i coglioni certamente li ha. Altrimenti non sarebbe Papa. Ciò è scritto nelle nostre belle Decretali. Per cui, dai sottili sillogismi della filosofia decretalina si ricava la seguente conclusione necessaria: Egli Papa è, ergo i coglioni ha. E quando i coglioni sparissero dal mondo, nel mondo più non vi sarebbe Papa»177.
Pantagruele intanto chiedeva a un mozzo del battello chi fossero codesti personaggi. Il mozzo gli rispose ch'essi rappresentavano i quattro Stati178 dell'isola. E aggiunse che avremmo avuto buona accoglienza e buon trattamento, come si conviene a chi ha veduto il Papa. Pantagruele ne mise a parte Panurgo, che gli disse in un orecchio:
«Dio lo vuole e così sarà. Chi sa aspettare, tutto vien buono. La vista del Papa non ci è mai servita a nulla. Ma questa volta, per tutti i diavoli, sento che ci gioverà».
Allora scendemmo a terra e tutto il popolo del paese, uomini, donne, bambini ci venivano incontro come in processione, e i quattro ci facevano strada gridando:
«L'hanno visto! L'hanno visto! L'hanno visto!»
A questo annuncio, tutto il popolo si inginocchiava davanti a noi, levando al cielo le mani giunte e gridando: «Oh gente felice! Oh beatissima gente!».
E durarono, queste esclamazioni, più di un quarto d'ora. Poi accorse il maestro di scuola con tutti i suoi pedagoghi al comando di una schiera di scolari e scolaretti ch'essi frustavano magistralmente, come si suol fare nei nostri paesi ai bambini quando s'impicca un qualche malfattore, perché non se ne scordino.
Pantagruele ne fu disgustato e disse loro:
«Signori, se non la smettete di frustare i bambini, io me ne vado».
Udendo quella voce stentorea, tutti rimasero a bocca aperta, e vidi un gobbetto dalle dita lunghe che tirava per il mantello il maestro di scuola e gli diceva:
«Virtù d'Extravangantes! Ma quelli che vedono il Papa diventano tutti grandi come quello lì che ci minaccia? Non vedo l'ora di vederlo anch'io, per diventare grande come lui».
Tali e tante furono le acclamazioni che accorse anche l'Homenaz (così essi chiamano il loro vescovo) su di una muta senza briglia, ingualdrappata di verde; seguito dai suoi appositi (come li chiamavano loro) ed anche dai suoi suppositi, recanti croci, bandiere, gonfaloni, baldacchini, torce, aspersorî. Anche lui voleva baciarci i piedi a tutta forza (come il bravo Cristian Valfinier179 a Clemente VII) adducendo che un loro viceprofeta, smacchiatore e glossatore delle sante Decretali, aveva lasciato scritto che, così come il Messia, tanto e sì lungamente atteso dai Giudei, alla fine era arrivato, anche in quell'isola, prima o poi, sarebbe arrivato il Papa; e che, in attesa di quel giorno felice, se fosse giunto alcuno che l'avesse veduto a Roma o altrove, avrebbero dovuto festeggiarlo convenientemente e trattarlo con reverenza. Noi, tuttavia, ce ne schermimmo cortesemente.
CAPITOLO XLIX
Come Homenaz ci mostrò le Decretali Uranopetiche180
Poi Homenaz ci disse:
«Le nostre sante Decretali ci fanno obbligo e ingiunzione di visitare prima le chiese che le osterie. Pertanto, non potendosi derogare a questa bella istituzione, andiamo in chiesa; poi ci siederemo a banchetto».
«Fateci strada, o dabbenuomo» disse fra Giovanni, «e noi vi seguiremo. Avete parlato da uomo giusto e da buon cristiano. Non ne incontravo uno da un bel po'. Mi sento tutto ringalluzzito di spirito e credo che mangerò più di gusto. Gran bella cosa trovarsi con gente dabbene».
Avvicinandoci alla porta del tempio, scorgemmo un grosso libro dorato, tutto coperto di pietre fine e preziose, balasci, smeraldi, diamanti e perle persiche, forse più belle e certo non da meno di quelle che Ottaviano consacrò a Giove Capitolino; ed era sospeso in aria, tenuto su da due grosse catene d'oro pendenti dallo zooforo del portale. Noi lo guardammo in grande ammirazione. Pantagruele, che poteva arrivarci senza difficoltà lo maneggiava e lo sfogliava a piacere e ci assicurava che a quel contatto avvertiva un dolce prurito alle unghie e un certo formicolio delle braccia insieme a una forte propensione dell'animo a malmenare un inserviente o due, purché non tonsurati181.
Ma Homenaz aveva altro da dire.
«Un tempo» cominciò, «Mosè diede agli Ebrei la Legge, scritta dalle dita stesse di Dio. In Delfi, sulla facciata del tempio di Apollo, fu scritta per mano divina la sentenza ΓΝΩΘΙ ΣΕΑΥΤΟΝ182. E in seguito, per lungo tempo vi si lesse la parola EI183, anch'essa scritta per intervento divino e trasmessa dai cieli. Il simulacro di Cibele fu dai cieli calato in Frigia sul campo chiamato Pesinunte. Così, in Tauride, il simulacro di Diana, se vogliamo dar credito ad Euripide. L'orifiamma fu dai cieli inviato ai nobili e cristianissimi re di Francia per combattere gli infedeli. Regnando Numa Pompilio, secondo re dei Romani in Roma, fu veduto scendere dal cielo il clipeo tagliente detto Ancile. Sull'Acropoli di Atene cadde un tempo dal cielo Empireo la statua di Minerva. E voi qui, similmente, vedete le sacre Decretali scritte per mano di un angelo Cherubino. Voi, gente d'oltremare, non lo crederete...»
«Con fatica» rispose Panurgo.
«... e a noi qui miracolosamente inviate dal cielo. Per lo stesso motivo, Omero, padre di ogni filosofia (salvo quella delle divine Decretali) chiama Diipeto184 il Nilo. E poiché voi avete veduto il Papa, evangelista delle Decretali e loro sempiterno patrono, noi vi concederemo di guardarle e di baciarle tra foglio e foglio, se vi accomoda. Ma prima vi converrà osservare tre giorni di digiuno e confessarvi regolarmente, spulciando con cura e inventariando i vostri peccati così minuziosamente che non ne cada a terra la minima circostanza, come divinamente cantano le divine Decretali che vedete. Ma questo vuole tempo».
«O dabbenuomo» disse Panurgo, «noi di Descrotali, cioè, volevo dire, di Decretali, ne abbiamo viste a iosa: su carta, su pergamena lanternese, su velina, scritte a mano, impresse a stampa; e non è il caso che vi disturbiate a mostrarci queste. Apprezziamo il vostro buon volere e vi ringraziamo tanto».
«Ziovero!» disse Homenaz. «Ma voi non avete visto queste qui, vergate dagli Angeli. Quelle del vostro paese non sono che trascrizioni delle nostre, come troviamo scritto da uno dei nostri antichi scoliasti decretalini. Per il resto non fatevi riguardo. Soltanto, vedete un po' voi se vi va di confessarvi e di digiunare per tre bei piccoli giorni di Dio».
«Se è per confessarci185» rispose Panurgo, «ben volentieri. Ma è il digiuno che non cade a proposito, perché già per mare abbiamo digiunato tanto e stratanto che i ragni ci hanno fatto la ragnatela fra i denti. Guardate qui il nostro buon fra Giovanni de' Battitori, che ha tenuto a riposo tanto tempo mandibole e battiguancia che gli è cresciuto il muschio in gola».
A queste parole, toccò a fra Giovanni di scambiare con Homenaz il rituale piccolo abbraccio. Poi disse: «È vero, è vero: ho digiunato mai tanto che vado via tutto gobbo».
«Entriamo dunque in chiesa» disse Homenaz, «e perdonateci se adesso non vi cantiamo la bella messa di Dio. L'ora di mezzogiorno è passata e, dopo, le nostre sacre Decretali ci proibiscono di cantar messa, dico la messa alta e legittima. Ve ne dirò una bassa e secca186».
«Veramente» disse Panurgo, «la preferirei bagnata di qualche buon vino d'Angiò. Ma insomma diamoci dentro alla brutta e che sia finita».
«Verga del Dio!» disse fra Giovanni. «Mi dispiace proprio di avere ancora lo stomaco digiuno, perché se avessi fatto un bello strippo da mattutino secondo il rito monacale, nel caso, dico, che lui ci canti il requiem, gli avrei portato in pectore il pane e il vino dei trapassati187. Ma insomma, pazienza! Battetela, insaccatela, salatela, biascicatela, questa messa, ma vestitela corta, che non s'imbratti. E anche per altre ragioni, ve ne prego!»
CAPITOLO L
Come ci fu mostrato da Homenaz l'archetipo di un Papa
Terminata la messa, Homenaz tirò fuori da un cofano presso l'altar maggiore un grande mazzo di chiavi con le quali aprì le trentadue serrature e i quattordici catenacci di una finestra di ferro ben sbarrata al disopra del detto altare; poi, con gran mistero, si coprì di un sacco bagnato188 e, tirata una tenda di raso cremisino, ci mostrò un'immagine, dipinta assai male a mio parere, la toccò con un lungo bastoncino, ci fece baciare la punta di questo bastoncino, poi ci domandò:
«Che ve ne sembra di questa immagine?»
«È qualcosa» disse Pantagruele, «che dovrebbe assomigliare a un Papa. Lo riconosco dalla tiara, dalla mozzetta, dal rocchetto, dalla pantofola».
«Dite bene» assentì Homenaz. «È l'immagine di quel Dio di grazia sopra la terra, la cui venuta aspettiamo devotamente e che speriamo di vedere un giorno in questo paese. Oh il fausto e desiato e tanto atteso evento! E voi felici e beatissimi voi, che avete avuto gli astri tanto propizi da poter mirare da presso, vivo e reale, quel nostro Dio in terra così buono e amorevole che soltanto a guardarne il ritratto noi guadagnamo la piena remissione dei peccati, quelli che riusciamo a ricordare, e insieme un terzo più diciotto quarantine di quelli dimenticati. Per questo lo scopriamo soltanto nelle grandi ricorrenze annuali».
Qui Pantagruele osservò che in quel ritratto c'era qualcosa di simile alle opere di Dedalo, perché sebbene malformato e maldipinto, vi si avvertiva tuttavia, latente ed occulta, una tal quale energia erogatrice di perdoni189.
«Come quella volta a Seuillé» disse fra Giovanni, «che i mendicanti cenavano all'ospizio in un giorno di festa grande e tutti si vantavano di aver guadagnato, chi dieci soldi, chi venti baiocchi, chi sette carlini; e a un grosso pezzente che si vantava addirittura di aver messo insieme tre ducati, i compagni risposero: "Vuol dire che ci hai una gamba di Dio"190. Come se una qualche divinità fosse nascosta in una gamba tutta putrida e verminosa».
«Per favore» disse Pantagruele, «quando avete da fare certi racconti, ricordatevi di portare un catino. C'è mancato poco che non vomitassi le budella. Mescolare così il sacro nome di Dio con cose tanto sozze e abominevoli! È una vera vergogna! E se, nella vostra monacheria, è in uso una tale licenza nel parlare, non portatela fuori del chiostro: tenetela per voi là dentro».
«Anche i medici» osservò Epistemone, «dicono che certe malattie tengono del divino. Allo stesso modo Nerone, a imitazione dei Greci, lodava i funghi e li chiamava 'cibo degli Dei': perché con quelli gli era venuto fatto di avvelenare il suo predecessore Claudio, imperatore romano».
«Mi sembra» disse Panurgo, «che questo dipinto non ritragga fedelmente l'aspetto dei nostri ultimi Papi: perché io li ho visti portare in testa non la mozzetta, anzi la barbuta, magari con la tiara persica per coperchio, e mentre tutta la cristianità era in pace e silenzio, loro soli far guerre a tradimento e senz'ombra di pietà»191.
«Ma tutto questo» disse Homenaz, «era contro i riottosi, gli eretici, i protestanti senza speranza di salvazione, i ribelli alla santità di quel nostro buon Dio sopra la terra. Ciò non soltanto gli è consentito e lecito, ma addirittura prescritto dalle sante Decretali. Egli deve speditamente mettere a fuoco e spegnere nel sangue Imperi e Imperatori, Re, Duchi, Principi e Repubbliche che trasgrediscano di uno iota ai suoi comandamenti: spogliarli dei loro beni, spossessarli dei loro regni, proscriverli, anatemizzarli e non solo ucciderli nel corpo, loro, i loro figli e ogni altro parente, ma dannarne le anime in eterno nel fondo della più ardente caldaia del più profondo inferno».
«Qui, per tutti i diavoli» disse Panurgo, «non sono mica eretici come il defunto Raminagrobis192. Voi, qui, siete cristiani passati al setaccio».
«Ah sì, perdiana!» disse Homenaz. «E perciò saremo tutti salvi. Andiamo a prendere l'acqua benedetta, e poi ci mettiamo a tavola».
CAPITOLO LI
Quattro chiacchiere durante il desinare in lode delle Decretali
Sappiate dunque, miei cari bevitori, che durante la messa secca di Homenaz, tre sacrestani della chiesa, ciascuno con un gran vassoio in mano, si aggiravano fra la gente dicendo ad alta voce: «Non dimenticate gli eletti che l'hanno visto in faccia!».
Uscendo poi dalla chiesa, essi presentarono a Homenaz i loro vassoi tutti ricolmi di monete papimaniche. Homenaz ci disse ch'era per far baldoria, e che, di quella contribuzione e imposta, una parte sarebbe servita a bere bene e l'altra a ben mangiare; come prescritto da una mirabile glossa nascosta in un certo angolino delle loro sante Decretali.
E così fu fatto in una bella osteria assai somigliante a quella di Guillot193 ad Amiens. Credetemi se vi dico che la voratura fu copiosa e le beviture numerose. In quel pranzo notai due cose memorabili: una, che non vi fu portata di carni di qualsivoglia genere (fossero capretti, fossero capponi, fossero maiali – abbondantissimi in Papimania – fossero piccioni, conigli, leprotti, tacchini o che so io) che non fosse magistralmente acconciata e farcita; l'altra, che per tutto il pranzo fummo serviti da fanciulle del paese, tutte pulzelle da marito e, ve lo assicuro, tutte avvenenti, appetitose, biondette, dolcette e di bel garbo; le quali, vestite di lunghe, bianche e fluttuanti tuniche a doppia cintura, il capo scoperto, i capelli intrecciati di piccole bande e nastri di sete violette, ornati di rose, garofani, maggiorana, aneto, fiori d'arancio e altri fiori odorosi, a ogni pausa ci invitavano a bere con sapienti e aggraziate riverenze. Era una gioia per tutti guardarle. E fra Giovanni le sbirciava di traverso, come un cane quando ha ghermito un sommolo.
Al cambio delle stoviglie, dopo la prima portata, esse cantarono melodiosamente un epodo in lode delle sante Decretali.
Alla seconda portata, Homenaz, tutto raggiante ed estasiato, si volse ai maestri cantinieri e disse:
«Clerice, accendi qui».
A queste parole, una delle fanciulle prontamente gli porse un grande nappo pieno di vino extravagante194. Egli lo tenne in mano e, sorridendo profondamente, disse a Pantagruele:
«A voi, Monsignore, e a voi tutti, nobili amici. Bevo a voi di tutto cuore. Siate ancora e sempre i benvenuti!»
Bevuto che ebbe e restituito il nappo alla gentil tortorella, uscì in una forte esclamazione.
«Oh, divine Decretali» disse, «quanto è buono il buon vino in grazia vostra!»
«Non è della peggior vendemmia» disse Panurgo.
«Meglio sarebbe» disse Pantagruele, «se in grazia loro, diventasse buono il vino cattivo».
«O serafico Sesto195» continuò Homenaz. «Come da te discende la salvezza dei miseri mortali! O cherubiche Clementine, come è in voi contenuta e descritta la perfetta istituzione del vero cristiano! O Extravaganti angeliche! O come perirebbero le povere anime nostre, errabonde e prigioniere del corpo quaggiù, in questa valle di lacrime! Aimè aimè, quando sarà tal dono di grazia elargito agli umani, così che posto in non cale ogni altro studio e negozio, ad altro non intendano che a leggere voi, a penetrare in voi, a conoscervi, usarvi, praticarvi, incorporarvi, sanguificarvi e incentrificarvi nei profondi ventricoli dei loro cervelli, nell'intimo midollo delle ossa, nell'intricato labirinto delle arterie? Oh allora sì, e non prima, e non per altra via sarà felice il mondo!»
A queste parole, Epistemone si alzò e disse bellamente a Panurgo:
«In mancanza di una seggetta son costretto ad allontanarmi. Questa fricassea mi ha stappato il budello culare. Non starò molto».
«E allora» continuò Homenaz, «non più tempeste, brinate, gelate, non più calamitosi uragani! Sopra la terra abbonderà ogni bene. Non più guerre, non saccheggi, non vessazioni, né assassini, né stragi, eccetto, s'intende contro gli eretici e i dannati ribelli. Una pace perenne e incorruttibile regnerà nell'universo; e gaudio, allegrezza, letizia, sollazzo, divertimento, piacere e delizia, per quanto è dato volerne e goderne alla natura umana. Ma, oh la grande dottrina, l'inestimabile erudizione, i deifici precetti incastonati nei divini capitoli di queste eterne Decretali! Oh come, leggendo soltanto un mezzo canone, un piccolo paragrafo, una piccolissima sentenza di queste sacrosante Decretali, voi vi sentite avvampare nei cuori la fornace dell'amor divino e della carità verso il prossimo, purché non sia tocco da eresia, e raffermarsi in voi il disprezzo di tutte le cose effimere e terrene, l'estatica elevazione dei vostri spiriti fino al terzo cielo, la piena e certa soddisfazione di tutte le vostre aspirazioni!»
CAPITOLO LII
Seguito sulle virtù miracolose delle Decretali
«Ecco uno che parla armonioso come un organo» disse Panurgo. «Ma io gli credo meno che posso. Perché un giorno, a Poitiers, presso il Dottor Scozzese Decretalipotens, mi è capitato di leggere un capitolo di queste Decretali, e il Diavolo mi porti se a quella lettura non mi prese una tale costipazione di ventre che in cinque giorni e passa non mi riuscì di cacciar fuori dal culo più di un piccolo cacherello, ma così duro e secco, ve lo giuro, che mi pareva d'esser Furio, il vicino di Catullo,
Che in tutto l'anno non ne caca quindici,
e se li spezzi con le mani e sbricioli,
non avviene che le dita te ne insudici,
perché son duri come ceti e ciottoli196.
«Eh no, eh no, per San Giovanni!» sentenziò Homenaz. «Eh no, amico mio! Vuol dire che quella volta, voi, per avventura, eravate in istato di peccato mortale».
«Questo» disse Panurgo, «è di un'altra botte».
«Un giorno, a Seuillé» disse fra Giovanni, «mi capitò di pulirmi il culo con un foglio di una di quelle sciagurate Clementine che Giovanni Guymard, il nostro ricevitore, aveva gettato nel cortile del chiostro. Mi vendo a tutti i diavoli se non mi presero ragadi ed emorroidi così orrendamente orribili che la gattaiola della mia povera porta didietro ne fu tutta devastata».
«Questa, per San Giovanni» disse Homenaz, «fu l'evidente punizione di Dio, per vendicare il peccato da voi commesso smerdando quei sacri testi che avreste dovuto baciare e adorare: adorare, intendo, con ardente latria, o almeno con iperdulia197. Il Panormitano198 non mente».
«Gianni Broccolo, a Montpellier» disse Ponocrate, «aveva comperato dai monaci di Saint-Olary certe belle Decretali scritte su grandi e belle pergamene di Lamballe199, per farne pellicine da battiloro. E incorse in una così straordinaria sfortuna da non riuscire a cavarne un foglio d'oro sano, ché tutti gli venivano rotti e sventrati».
«Punizione» disse Homenaz, «punizione e vendetta divina!»
«A Le Mans» disse Eudemone, «Francesco Becco, apotecario, aveva usato una Extravagante sgualcita per farne involtini. Ebbene, rinnego il diavolo se tutto ciò che vi fu impacchettato, non risultò all'istante avvelenato, putrido e corrotto: incenso, pepe, cannella, cinnamomo, zafferano, cere, spezie, cassia, rabarbaro, tamarindo e tutto in generale: droghe, agoghe, senoghe e senagoghe»200.
«Vendetta» disse Homenaz, «vendetta e punizione divina. Abusare così, per cose profane, di quelle tanto venerate scritture!»
«A Parigi» disse Carpalim, «un sarto chiamato Grugnetto, aveva ricavato modelli e misure da certe vecchie Clementine. E vedi caso! Tutti gli abiti tagliati su quei modelli e riportati su quelle misure andarono rovinati e perduti: vestiti, cappe, mantelli, cocolle, sottane, casacche, pellegrine, farsetti, cotte, gonnelle, crinoline. Grugnetto, credendo di tagliare una cappa, tagliava la forma di una braghetta. Invece di un saio, tagliava un cappello a tre spicchi. Tagliava un casacchino e veniva fuori una borsetta. Modellava un farsetto e gli usciva la forma d'una padella. I suoi garzoni, dopo averla cucita, la sforacchiarono per sotto e pareva una padella da caldarroste. Invece di una pellegrina, tagliava un borzacchino. Sul modello di una crinolina, tagliava una barbuta. Pensava di fare un mantello e faceva un tamburino svizzero. Cosicché il povero diavolo fu condannato in tribunale a pagare le stoffe di tutti i suoi clienti, e adesso è fallito».
«Punizione» disse Homenaz, «punizione e vendetta divina!»
«A Cahuzac» disse Ginnasta, «corse una sfida di tiro al bersaglio fra i signori d'Estissac e il visconte di Lauzun. Pierotto aveva fatto a pezzi qualche mezza decretale del buon canonico La Carte e da quei fogli aveva ritagliato la parte bianca come bersaglio. Io mi presto, mi vendo, mi butto in mezzo a uno squadrone di vecchi diavoli se vi fu un solo balestriere del paese (ed erano i più famosi di tutta la Guienna) che riuscisse a mettere a segno una freccia. Tutte andarono di lato. Nulla di quel sacro biancore fu imbrattato, sverginato, profanato. Di più: Sansornino il vecchio, depositario dei pegni della sfida, ci diceva (giurando sulla Fica d'Oro, ch'era il suo giuramento solenne) di aver visto chiaramente, apertamente e palesemente, il quadrello di Carquelin puntare diritto sul brocco in mezzo al bianco e poi, sul punto di toccarlo ed infilarlo, scartare a lato di una buona tesa, dalla parte del forno».
«Miracolo!» gridò Homenaz. «Miracolo, miracolo! Clerice, accendi qui! Bevo a tutti voi. Mi avete l'aria di veri cristiani».
A queste parole, le fanciulle cominciarono a ridacchiare fra di loro. Fra Giovanni nitriva dalla punta del naso come uno stallone o un asino da monta, pronto a saltar loro addosso come la Fame201 ai poverelli.
«Mi sembra» disse Pantagruele, «che davanti a quel bersaglio si potesse stare al riparo dalle frecce più di quanto non lo fosse Diogene quella volta...»
«Chi? Come? Quando?» lo interruppe Homenaz. «Era forse un decretalista?»
«Assai sa chi non sa, se tacer sa202» disse Epistemone, tornando dalle sue faccende.
«... quella volta» continuò Pantagruele, «che volendo spassarsela un po', andò a vedere gli arcieri che tiravano al bersaglio. Ce n'era uno talmente balordo, inesperto e maldestro che, quando toccava di tirare a lui, tutti gli spettatori si facevano da parte per timore d'essere infilzati. Diogene, dopo averlo visto tirare un colpo così infame che la freccia andò a cadere più di una pertica lontano dal segno, al colpo successivo, mentre tutti gli altri prendevano le distanze, chi a destra chi a sinistra, corse diritto sul bersaglio e lì rimase in piedi, giusto davanti al brocco, affermando che quello era il luogo più sicuro e che l'arciere qualunque altra cosa avrebbe infilato, ma non il bersaglio, unico punto al riparo dalle sue frecce».
«Un paggio del signore d'Estissac chiamato Chamouillac» disse Ginnasta per finire il suo racconto, «s'accorse dell'incantesimo. Per suo consiglio, Pierotto cambiò il bersaglio e ci mise le carte del processo di Pouillac203. Allora tutte le frecce andarono al segno e non vi furono né vinti né vincitori».
«A Landarossa» disse Rizotomo, «alle nozze di Giovanni Delif, il banchetto nuziale fu dei più memorabili e sontuosi, com'era allora costume del paese. Finita la cena, furono recitate parecchie farse, commedie e frottole divertenti. Si danzarono moresche con sonagli e tamburelli, furono introdotte maschere e mimi. Alla fine, io e i miei compagni di scuola, per onorare la festa del nostro meglio (siccome fin dal mattino tutti avevano avuto in dono dei bellissimi nastri bianchi e violetti) improvvisammo un'allegra mascherata con una quantità di conchiglie di San Michele e bei gusci di lumaca. E in mancanza di colocasia, di bardana, personata204 e carta, prendemmo il foglio di un vecchio Sesto ch'era là abbandonato, e con un po' di buchi per gli occhi, il naso e la bocca, ci fabbricammo le nostre maschere. Caso meraviglioso! Terminate le nostre piccole carole e i nostri giochi puerili e tolte via le maschere, apparimmo più brutti e schifosi dei diavoletti della Passione di Doué, tanto le nostre facce erano sfigurate là dove i fogli del Sesto ne avevano toccato la pelle. Uno aveva la scabbia, un altro la rogna, un altro il vaiolo, un altro la rosolia, un altro era pieno di grossi foruncoli. Insomma, il più sano era quello cui erano caduti tutti i denti».
«Miracolo» gridò Homenaz, «miracolo, miracolo!»
«Aspettate a ridere» disse Rizotomo. «Le mie due sorelle, Caterina e Renata, avevano messo dentro a questo vecchio Sesto, come sotto pressa (poiché era ricoperto di grosse tavole e ferrato di pesanti chiodi) i loro soggoli, polsini di pizzo e collarini, lavati di fresco, ben candidi e bene inamidati. Virtù di Dio!...»
«Un momento!» disse Homenaz. «Che Dio intendete?»
«Non ce n'é che uno» rispose Rizotomo.
«Nei cieli, sì» disse Homenaz. «Ma non ne abbiamo forse un altro sulla terra?»
«Ho capito» sospirò Rizotomo. «Parola mia, me n'ero scordato. Dunque: per la virtù del Papadio, i loro soggoli, polsini, collarini, cuffiette e tutti gli altri pannilini erano diventati più neri d'un sacco da carbonaio».
«Miracolo!» gridò Homenaz. «Clerice, accendi qui e prendi nota di queste belle storie».
«Com'è dunque» domandò frate Giovanni, «com'è dunque che si dice?
Da che i decreti misero le ali,
e i fanti in guerra col baule andarono,
e i monaci cavalli cavalcarono,
crebbero a questo mondo tutti i mali»205.
«Ho capito, ho capito» disse Homenaz. «Son le piccole facezie di questi nuovi eretici».
CAPITOLO LIII
Come, per virtù delle Decretali, l'oro di Francia vien tirato a Roma
«Caccerei volentieri una montagna di scudi per una foglietta di trippa» disse Epistemone, «pur di poter confrontare qui, sull'originale, gli spaventosi capitoli: Execrabilis, De multa, Si plures, De annatis per totum, Nisi essent, Cum ad monasterium, Quod Dilectio, Mandatum, e qualche altro ancora, che ogni anno traggono a Roma dalla Francia quattrocentomila ducati e anche più».
«Vi sembra niente?» disse Homenaz. «E tuttavia mi sembra poco, visto che la Cristianissima Francia è l'unica nutrice della corte romana. Ma dove me lo trovate un libro in tutto il mondo, sia di filosofia, di medicina, di legge, di matematica, di umane lettere, e anche, per la sacra Pantofola del mio Dio!, di Sacre Scritture, che abbia virtù di tirarne altrettanto? Merda! Merda! Non c'è! Voi non ne troverete uno di tale auripeta energia, ve lo assicuro. E questi diavoli di eretici che non vogliono impararli e nemmeno sentirne parlare! Bruciateli, tenagliateli, sforbiciateli, affogateli, impiccateli, impalateli, sclavicolateli, smembrateli, strippateli, tagliuzzateli, passateli in padella, arrostiteli, affettateli, crocifiggeteli, lessateli, pestateli, squarciateli, grattugiateli, arrotateli, sbranateli, carbonizzateli, questi perversi eretici decretalìfugi, peggio che omicidi, peggio che parricidi, decretalofobi e decretalicidi del diavolo!
«Voi, gente dabbene, se volete essere detti e reputati veri cristiani, io vi supplico a mani giunte di non altro credere, non altro pensare, né dire, né intraprendere, né fare, all'infuori di ciò che è scritto nelle nostre sacre Decretali e nei loro corollarî: il nostro bel Sesto, le nostre belle Clementine, le nostre belle Extravaganti. O libri deifici!
«E così otterrete gloria, onore, incensi, ricchezze, dignità, prelazioni in questo mondo: da tutti riveriti, da ciascuno temuti, a tutti preferiti, scelti ed eletti sopra tutti. Poiché, sotto la cappa del cielo, non si dà condizione nella quale possiate mai trovare persone più idonee ad ogni intrapresa e maneggio di coloro che, per divina prescienza ed eterna predestinazione, si son dati anima e corpo allo studio delle sante Decretali.
«Volete voi scegliere un prode imperatore, un buon capitano, un degno capo e condottiero di eserciti in tempo di guerra, che ben sappia prevedere tutti i contrattempi, evitare tutti i pericoli, ben guidare le sue genti all'assalto e al combattimento in allegria, nulla rischiare, vincere sempre senza perdere un soldato, e trar partito dalla vittoria? Prendetemi un Decretista. No, no! Un Decretalista206, voglio dire».
«Ha dato del culo in un cavicchio» ridacchiò Epistemone.
«Volete voi, in tempo di pace, trovare un uomo capace e adatto a reggere bene le sorti di una repubblica, d'un regno, d'un impero, d'una monarchia; a garantire alla Chiesa, alla nobiltà, al senato e al popolo, ricchezza, amicizia, concordia, obbedienza, virtù, onestà? Prendetemi un Decretalista.
«Volete voi trovare un uomo che, con la sua vita esemplare, con il suo bel parlare, con i suoi santi ammonimenti, in poco tempo, senza effusione di sangue umano, conquisti la Terra Santa alla santa fede e converta Turchi, Giudei, Moscoviti, Mamelucchi e Sarraboviti? Prendetemi un Decretalista.
«Cos'è che in vari paesi rende il popolo ribelle e licenzioso, i paggi ghiottoni e malvagi, gli scolari poltroni e somari? Ma è il fatto che i loro governanti, i loro scudieri, i loro precettori non furono mai Decretalisti!
«E chi è, in coscienza, che ha stabilito, confermato, autorizzato, questi begli ordini religiosi, dei quali voi vedete in ogni luogo ornata, insignita, illustrata la Cristianità, come lo è il firmamento delle sue chiare stelle? Le divine Decretali.
«Chi ha fondato, palafittato, contraffortato, chi mantiene, chi sostenta, chi nutre tutti quei devoti religiosi nei conventi, monasteri e abbazie, senza le cui preghiere, diurne, notturne e diuturne, il mondo sarebbe nel pericolo evidente di ricadere nell'antico caos? Le Sacre Decretali.
«Chi produce ed ogni giorno accresce nell'abbondanza d'ogni bene temporale, corporale e spirituale il favoloso e celebre patrimonio di San Pietro? Le Sante Decretali.
«Chi ha fatto e fa il Santo Seggio Apostolico di Roma, in ogni tempo ed oggi, tanto temuto nell'Universo, per cui, o di riffe o di raffe, è di mestieri che tutti i re, imperatori, potentati e signori della terra, dipendano da lui, gli siano tributari, da lui siano incoronati, confermati, autorizzati, e vadano là a consultarsi e a prosternarsi alla mirifica pantofola di cui avete visto il ritratto? Le Belle Decretali di Dio!
«Io vi voglio rivelare un segreto. Le Università del vostro mondo, ordinariamente, nei loro stemmi e blasoni, recano un libro. Certune aperto, certe altre chiuso. Che libro pensate mai che sia?»
«Io non lo so di certo» disse Pantagruele. «Non ci ho mai letto dentro».
«Sono» disse Homenaz, «le Decretali. Qui vi ho preso in castagna! Ah, ah, ah, ah!». E cominciò a ruttare, a scoreggiare, a ridere, a sbavare e sudare, e gettò il suo grande berretto a quattro patte a una delle ragazze, la quale se lo assestò sulla sua bella testa con grande allegria, dopo averlo baciato amorosamente, come pegno e promessa che sarebbe toccato a lei di maritarsi per prima.
«Vivat!» gridò Epistemone. «Vivat! fifat! pipat! bibat!207 O l'apocalittico segreto!»
«Clerice» disse Homenaz, «Clerice, fai luce qui e a doppia lanterna. Alle frutta, pulcelle! Stavo dunque dicendo che, consacrandovi unicamente allo studio delle Sacre Decretali, voi sarete ricchi e onorati in questo mondo. Dico conseguentemente che, nell'altro, voi sarete infallantemente salvi e bene accolti nel benedetto regno dei Cieli, le cui chiavi sono affidate al nostro buon Dio decretaliarca. O mio buon Dio che adoro e che mai non vidi, dischiudi a noi per grazia specialissima, in articulo mortis, quel sacrosanto tesoro di nostra santa madre Chiesa, del quale tu sei protettore, conservatore, custode, amministratore e dispensiere! E provvedi a che quelle preziose opere di supererogazione, quelle belle indulgenze non ci vengano a mancare al momento del bisogno così che i diavoli non trovino di che mordere sulle nostre povere anime, e l'orrenda gola dell'inferno non ci inghiotta. Se ci toccherà di passare per il purgatorio, pazienza. È in tuo potere ed arbitrio liberarcene quando vorrai».
Qui Homenaz cominciò a versare grosse e calde lacrime, a battersi il petto e a baciarsi i pollici in croce.
CAPITOLO LIV
Come Homenaz diede a Pantagruele delle pere da buon cristiano
Al penoso epilogo, Epistemone, fra Giovanni e Panurgo, cominciarono a gridare «Oooioioi» dentro i loro tovaglioli, fingendo di asciugarsi gli occhi come se avessero pianto. E le ragazze, senza farselo dire, porsero a tutti nappi ben pieni di buon vino Clementino con abbondanti confetture. E così tornò l'allegria.
In fin di tavola, Homenaz ci diede una gran quantità di grosse e belle pere, dicendo:
«Prendete, amici: sono pere singolari che non trovereste altrove. Non tutta la terra produce tutto. Soltanto l'India produce il nero ebano, soltanto la Sabea il buon incenso, soltanto l'isola di Lemno la terra sfragitide208. E soltanto in quest'isola nascono queste belle pere. Se vi sembra conveniente, potrete piantarne dei vivai nei vostri paesi».
«Come le chiamate?» domandò Pantagruele. «Perché mi sembrano molto buone e di buon succo. Penso che a cuocerle in casseruola, tagliate in quattro con un po' di vino e zucchero, sarebbe un piatto saluberrimo per malati e per sani».
«Non altrimenti che pere le chiamiamo» rispose Homenaz. «Perché noi siamo gente semplice, come piace a Dio. Diciamo fichi ai fichi, prugne alle prugne e pere alle pere».
«Credo proprio» disse Pantagruele, «che quando sarò tornato a casa (e sarà presto, se Dio vuole) ne pianterò e innesterò nel mio giardino in Turenna sulle rive della Loira, e saran chiamate pere del buon cristiano. Perché mai non vidi cristiani migliori di questi bravi Papimani».
«A me» disse fra Giovanni, «piacerebbe anche che ci regalasse due o tre carrettate di queste sue ragazze».
«Per che farne?» domandò Homenaz.
«Per salassarle dritto fra le due dita grosse dei piedi» disse fra Giovanni, «con certi pistolesi di buona tempera. Così facendo, innesteremmo in loro una quantità di figli di buon cristiano, e la razza così si moltiplicherebbe anche nei nostri paesi, dove ne siamo scarsi».
«Per ziovero, questo no!» rispose Homenaz. «Perché voi gli fareste di quegli scherzetti da giovinastri. Vi conosco dal naso, anche se non vi avessi mai visto. Aimè, aimè, un così bravo figliolo! E vorreste dannarvi l'anima? Non sapete che le nostre Decretali lo proibiscono?»
«Pazienza!» disse fra Giovanni. «Ma si tu non vis dare, praesta quaesumus. È materia di breviario. Per cui non temo uomo per barba che porti, fosse pure dottor di Cristallino209 (voglio dire: Decretalino) e con berretto a tre cercini»210.
Finito il desinare, prendemmo congedo da Homenaz e da tutta quella brava gente, ringraziandoli umilmente e promettendo loro, a compenso di così bella e ricca accoglienza che, tornati a Roma, tanto avremmo fatto presso il Santo Padre ch'egli si sarebbe affrettato a visitarli di persona. Pantagruele, per liberalità e a titolo di ringraziamento per aver visto il sacro ritratto papale, donò a Homenaz nove pezze di drappo di lana ricamato in oro, da appendere davanti all'inferriata del tabernacolo; fece riempire la cassetta della fabbriceria tutta di doppi scudi del ciuccio211, fece consegnare a ciascuna delle ragazze che avevano servito il desinare novecento e quattordici saluti d'oro212, affinché potessero maritarsi a tempo opportuno.
CAPITOLO LV
Come, in alto mare, Pantagruele udì parole disgelate
Navigavamo al largo, tutti seduti a banchetto, spilluzzicando e rosicchiando tra chiacchiere e facezie, quando Pantagruele si alzò e ristette in piedi esplorando il mare all'intorno. Poi disse:
«Compagni, non sentite? A me sembra di udire voci nell'aria, sì, come di gente che parla. Ma non vedo nessuno. Ascoltate».
Al suo comando tutti ci ponemmo in ascolto e sorbivamo l'aria a tutt'orecchi come altrettante ostriche in conchiglia, per sentire se vi si effondesse voce alcuna; e per non perderne nulla, sull'esempio di Antonino imperatore213, alcuni di noi facevano campana con la mano.
Ciononostante, protestavamo di non udire voce di sorta, mentre Pantagruele insisteva nel dire che c'erano nell'aria voci diverse e di uomini e di donne; e alla lunga dovemmo renderci conto che o ci cornavano le orecchie o le sentivamo anche noi. Più insistevamo ascoltando e più distinto ne giungeva il suono, finché percepimmo parole intere. Questo ci spaventò fortemente, e non senza ragione, perché, non scorgendo anima viva, sentivamo voci e suoni i più diversi, di uomini, di donne, di fanciulli, di cavalli. E Panurgo, da par suo, si mise a urlare come un matto.
«Sangue di Dio, non è mica uno scherzo!» gridava. «Siamo perduti, ragazzi. Scappiamo. Bisogna scappare. Siamo circondati. Fra Giovanni, sei qui, amico mio? Ce l'hai la scimitarra? Guarda che non sia arrugginita come al solito e che non leghi al fodero. Siamo fottuti, vi dico, non sentite? Questi, perdio, sono colpi di cannone! Scappiamo! E non coi piedi o con le mani, come diceva Bruto alla battaglia di Farsalo: dico a vele spiegate e a gran colpi di remo. Cosa aspettiamo qui? In mare io non ho coraggio nemmeno un po'. Non è come in cantina e altrove, che ne ho da vendere. Filiamo, perdio! salviamoci! Non è che lo dico per paura, perché io non temo di nulla, salvo i pericoli: lo dico sempre e lo diceva anche il Francarciere de Bagnolet214. Insomma, non ficchiamoci il naso se non vogliamo rimaner snasati. Mostriamogli il culo! Spulezza! Vira il timone, figlio di puttana! Piacesse a Dio che mi trovassi a Quinquenais215 invece che qui, a costo di non ammogliarmi mai più216. Basta che tagliamo la corda! Non possiamo misurarci con loro. Sono dieci contro uno, ve lo dico io! Inoltre sono a casa loro. Noi non conosciamo il paese. Ci ammazzeranno. Facciamo fagotto! Non sarà disonore. Demostene dice che l'uomo che scappa combatterà di nuovo. Battiamo in ritirata, almeno! Orza! Poggia! Al trinchetto! Scappiamo, per tutti i diavoli!»
Pantagruele, sentendo il tananai che faceva Panurgo, gridò:
«Chi è quel fuggi-fuggi laggiù? Stiamo calmi e aspettiamo di vedere che gente è. Può darsi che siano dei nostri. Per adesso non scorgo nessuno. E sì che vedo per cento miglia all'intorno. Ma intanto ascoltiamo. Ho letto di un filosofo, chiamato Petronio217, il quale era dell'opinione che vi fossero più mondi, contigui l'uno all'altro in figura di triangolo equilatero, sulla base e al centro del quale egli diceva trovarsi il maniero della Verità e ivi abitare le Parole e le Idee, esempio e immagine di tutte le cose passate e future, e attorno ad esse volgere le età. E che in certi anni, a lunghi intervalli, parte di esse cadevano sugli umani come catarri218, o come la rugiada sul vello di Gedeone219, e parte restavano là di scorta per le età future, fino alla consumazione dei secoli.
«Mi ricordo anche che Aristotele diceva volteggianti le parole di Omero: volitanti, semoventi e, per conseguenza, animate.
«Inoltre, Antifane220 diceva che anche Platone professava una simile dottrina riguardo alle parole, le quali, in certe contrade, quanto più rigido è l'inverno, allorché son profferite, gelano e si rapprendono al freddo dell'aria e non vengono udite; e che, per tal modo, ciò che Platone insegnava ai fanciulli, essi lo capivano a malapena quand'erano diventati vecchi.
«Ora ci sarebbe da filosofare e ricercare se, per fortunosa ventura, non sia questo proprio il luogo dove tali parole disgelano. E se fossero la testa e la lira di Orfeo? Ci sarebbe da restar senza fiato. Perché le donne di Tracia, dopo averlo fatto a pezzi, ne gettarono la testa e la lira nelle acque del fiume Ebro, sì che per esso scesero al mare Pontico, fino all'isola di Lesbo sempre insieme sul mare navigando. Dalla testa continuamente usciva un canto lugubre, come lamentando la morte di Orfeo; e la lira, al tocco dei venti, accordava armoniosamente il proprio suono a quel canto. Guardiamo se le vedessimo qui attorno».
CAPITOLO LVI
Come Pantagruele trovò, fra le parole gelate, parole di gola
«Signore» interloquì il pilota, «non vi spaventate di nulla. Qui siamo al confine del mar Glaciale, sul quale al principio dell'inverno scorso fu combattuta una grossa e scellerata battaglia tra gli Arimaspî e i Nefelibati. Le parole e le grida degli uomini e delle donne, i colpi di mazza , il cozzar degli arnesi e delle bardature, il nitrire dei cavalli e ogni altro fragore della mischia gelarono allora nell'aria. Adesso che torna il sereno e il tepore del tempo buono, si sciolgono e vengono all'orecchio».
«Per Dio!» disse Panurgo. «Dev'essere proprio così. Ma non si potrebbe vederne qualcuna? Mi ricordo di aver letto che ai piedi della montagna dove Mosè ricevette la legge, il popolo le voci le vedeva».
«Ecco, ecco» disse Pantagruele. «Guardate queste, che non sono ancora sgelate».
E gettò a piene mani sul ponte parole rapprese che sembravano confetti perlati di diversi colori. Vi trovammo parole di gola, parole di sinopia, parole di cobalto, parole di sabbia e parole dorate221. Le quali, al blando tepore delle nostre mani, fondevano come neve, e allora le sentivamo realmente; ma non le intendevamo, perché erano in lingua barbarica. Eccetto una piuttosto grossa che, mentre fra Giovanni la scaldava fra le mani, mandò un suono come fanno le castagne gettate sulla brace senza prima castrarle, quando scoppiano. E ci fece trasalire tutti di paura.
«Questo» disse fra Giovanni, «era un colpo di falconetto, a suo tempo».
Panurgo chiese a Pantagruele di dargliene ancora; ma Pantagruele rispose che dar parole era cosa da innamorati222.
«Vendetemene, allora» disse Panurgo.
«Vender parole è cosa da avvocati» rispose Pantagruele. «Vi venderei piuttosto un po' di silenzio e a più caro prezzo di quanto si dice non lo vendesse una volta Demostene con la sua argentangina»223.
Ciononostante ne gettò sul ponte tre o quattro manciate. E c'erano parole assai pungenti, parole sanguinose (le quali, diceva il pilota, tornavano talvolta là donde erano state profferite, ma trovavano la gola tagliata), parole terrificanti e altre assai disgustose a vedersi. Le quali tutte sciogliendosi insieme, udimmo: hin, hin, hin, hin, his, ticche, torsc, lorgn, brededin, brededac, frr, frrr, frrr, bu bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, bu, traccc, trac, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrr, on on, on, on, ououououon, goth, magoth e non so quali altre parole barbariche. E il pilota diceva che erano le grida di guerra e i nitriti dei cavalli al momento dello scontro. Poi ne udimmo di grosse che, disgelandosi, mandavano ora un suono di pifferi e tamburi, ora di trombe e cornette. Ci divertivamo parecchio, credetemi, e la tirammo in lungo. Io volevo mettere in conserva sott'olio un po' di parole di gola, come si conserva la neve ed il ghiaccio fra la paglia ben pulita. Ma Pantagruele non me lo permise, dicendo essere follia conservare ciò che mai non fa difetto e si ha sempre sottomano, come appunto le parole di gola fra tutti i buoni ed allegri Pantagruelisti.
Qui Panurgo si mise a molestare fra Giovanni e lo fece uscire dai gangheri prendendolo in parola mentre lui non se l'aspettava. E fra Giovanni lo minacciò di farnelo pentire così come s'era pentito G. Jousseaulme d'aver venduto il suo panno sulla parola al nobile Pathelin. «Tu mi hai preso per le parole come un uomo» soggiunse, «ma fa tanto di maritarti e io ti prenderò per le corna come un vitello».
Per tutta risposta, Panurgo gli faceva la boccacce. Poi disse:
«Piacesse a Dio che potessi avere qui, senza andare più oltre, il responso della divina Bottiglia!»
CAPITOLO LVII
Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dove regnava Monsignor Gaster, protomaestro d'arti del mondo
Quel giorno, Pantagruele approdò ad un'isola sorprendente più di ogni altra, sia per il sito sia per il governo che la reggeva. Sulle prime, e per quanto ci guardassimo attorno, ci apparve tutta scoscesa, pietrosa, montagnosa, arida, sgradevole all'occhio, impraticabile al piede, poco meno inaccessibile del monte del Delfinato, chiamato così perché ha la forma di una zucca barucca e nessuno, a memoria d'uomo, era riuscito a scalarlo; eccetto Doyac, comandante l'artiglieria del re Carlo VIII, il quale vi salì mediante ingegni mirifici e vi trovò là in cima un vecchio montone. C'era da indovinare chi l'avesse portato lassù. Qualcuno diceva che, rapito ancora agnellino da qualche aquila o gufo, avesse potuto salvarsi fra i cespugli.
Noi, sormontate le prime difficoltà a gran pena e non senza sudore, trovammo la sommità del monte così piacevole, così ferace, salubre e deliziosa che io pensavo essere quello il vero Giardino del Paradiso Terrestre, sulla cui ubicazione tanto discutono e si affaticano i buoni teologi. Ma Pantagruele diceva che, secondo lui, quella era la sede di Areté (la Virtù) descritta da Esiodo; senza escludere però una più sana opinione.
Il governatore dell'isola era Monsignor Gaster, primo maestro di tutte le arti di questo mondo. Se voi credete che il fuoco sia il grande maestro delle arti, come scrive Cicerone224, voi sbagliate e vi fate torto, perché Cicerone non lo credette mai. Se credete che Mercurio ne fosse l'inventore, come un tempo credevano i nostri antichi Druidi, prendete un grosso abbaglio. Vera è la sentenza del Satirico, che dice essere monsignor Gaster il maestro di tutte le arti225.
Abitava con lui, pacificamente, la buona signora Penia, altrimenti detta Indigenza, madre delle nove muse, la quale, essendosi congiunta con Poro, signore dell'Abbondanza, ne partorì Amore, il nobile fanciullo mediatore fra cielo e terra, come attesta Platone nel Simposio.
A questo cavalleresco re ci fu mestieri far riverenza, giurare obbedienza e rendere onore. Poi ch'egli è imperioso, rigoroso, rotondo, duro, suscettibile, inflessibile. Non lo si incanta con parabole, non c'è verso di dimostrargli qualcosa o di persuaderlo ad alcunché: non ci sente proprio. E come, a detta degli Egizi, Arpocrate, dio del Silenzio, chiamato in greco Sigalion, era astomo, cioè senza bocca, così Gaster era stato creato senza orecchi, simile in questo al simulacro di Giove in Candia.
Egli non parla che per segni. Ma ai suoi segni tutti obbediscono più prontamente che agli editti dei pretori e alle ingiunzioni dei re. Nelle sue intimazioni non ammette proroghe o dilazioni di sorta. Voi mi dite che al ruggito del leone, fin là dove può giungere la sua voce, tutti gli animali all'intorno fremono di spavento. Sta scritto, ed è vero, e l'ho veduto anch'io. Ma vi assicuro che ai decreti di Monsignor Gaster, tutto il cielo trema, tutta la terra è scossa. L'ordine è dato: o saltare il fosso o morire.
In qualunque compagnia si trovi, non è il caso di stare a discutere di superiorità, di preferenze o precedenze: egli va innanzi a tutti, fossero pure principi o re o imperatori, foss'anche il papa. E al Concilio di Basilea226 sedette al primo posto anche se vi raccontano che quel concilio fu sedizioso a causa di un accanito conflitto di precedenze.
Nell'universo mondo, tutti sono occupati, tutti faticano per servirlo. E lui ricambia rendendo al mondo questo beneficio, che gli inventa tutte le macchine, tutti i mestieri, tutti gli ingegni, tutte le industrie. Anche agli animali bruti apprende artifizi negati loro in natura. Le gazze, i corvi, i pappagalli, gli stornelli rende poeti; le piche fa poetesse e apprende loro a profferire, parlare, cantare parole umane. E tutto per la trippa!
Aquile, girifalchi, falconi, sagri, lanieri, astori, sparvieri, ogni sorta di uccelli selvatici, migratori, di gran volo, fieri e rapaci, addomestica e ammaestra per modo che, lasciandoli andare, se gli accomoda, nella piena libertà del cielo, li tien sospesi, erranti, librati, volanti tanto in alto quanto gli piaccia, vezzeggiandoli e corteggiandoli fin sopra le nubi; poi di nuovo e d'un tratto dal cielo li fa piombare a terra. E tutto per la trippa!
Gli elefanti, i leoni, i rinoceronti, gli orsi, i cavalli, i cani, fa danzare, ballare, volteggiare, combattere, nuotare, nascondersi, prendere e portare ciò ch'egli vuole. E tutto per la trippa!
I pesci, siano essi di mare o d'acqua dolce, balene e mostri marini, li fa uscire dal profondo abisso; caccia i lupi dai boschi, gli orsi dalle grotte, le volpi dalle loro tane; snida i serpenti dalla terra. E tutto per la trippa!
In breve, è così smisurato che, nel suo furore, divora tutti, bestie e persone; come fu visto fra i Guasconi, quando Q. Metello li stringeva d'assedio durante la guerra sertoriana, nonché fra i Seguntini assediati da Annibale, e in seicento altri casi. E tutto per la trippa!
Quando Penia, la sua reggente, si mette in cammino, là dove arriva tutti i parlamenti si chiudono, tutti i proclami son muti, tutte le ordinanze vane. Non è soggetta a legge alcuna, da tutte è esente. Sempre ed ovunque ognuno la fugge, esponendosi a naufragi sul mare, sfidando il fuoco, le montagne, il deserto, l'abisso, piuttosto ch'esser preso da lei.
CAPITOLO LVIII
Come alla corte di Mastro Gaster Pantagruele detestò Engastrimiti e Gastrolatri227
Alla corte di quel grande maestro di ritrovati ingegnosi, Pantagruele distinse due sorte di persone: galoppini importuni e troppo servizievoli ch'egli ebbe in grande abominio. Gli uni erano chiamati Engastrimiti, gli altri Gastrolatri.
Gli Engastrimiti si dicevano discesi dall'antica razza di Euricle228 e allegavano in proposito la testimonianza di Aristofane nella commedia I tafani ovvero le Vespe. Onde anticamente erano detti Euriclidi, come scrive Platone e anche Plutarco nel libro Della Fine degli Oracoli. Nei santi Decreti (26, quest. 3), son chiamati ventriloqui e così li chiama in lingua ionica Ippocrate (Lib. V, Epid.), come parlanti dal ventre. Sofocle li chiama Sternomanti. Erano insomma indovini, incantatori e turlupinatori della gente semplice, i quali facevano mostra di parlare e rispondere a quelli che li interrogavano non dalla bocca, ma dal ventre.
Tale era, intorno all'anno del nostro benedetto Salvatore 1513, Jacopa Rodigina, italiana, donna di bassa condizione, dal ventre della quale noi abbiamo più volte udito, come infiniti altri in Ferrara e altrove, salir la voce dello spirito immondo (bassa certamente, debole e scarsa e tuttavia bene articolata, distinta e intelligibile) allorché veniva chiamata e fatta parlare per la curiosità dei ricchi signori e principi della Gallia Cisalpina. I quali, per togliere ogni, dubbio di finzione o frode occulta, la facevano spogliare tutta nuda e le facevano tappare la bocca e il naso. Quel maligno spirito si faceva chiamare Crespelluto o Cincinnatulo229 e sembrava prender piacere a essere chiamato così. Quando lo si chiamava così rispondeva subito alle domande. Interrogato sui casi presenti o passati, rispondeva tanto a proposito da indurre in ammirazione l'uditorio; interrogato su cose future, mentiva sempre, mai non diceva la verità. E spesso, invece di rispondere, sembrava confessare la propria ignoranza facendo un grosso peto e borbottando qualche parola inintelligibile e di barbara desinenza.
I Gastrolatri se ne stavano da un'altra parte, uniti in gruppi e a schiere, gli uni allegri, graziosi, leziosetti, gli altri tristi, gravi, severi, scontrosi: tutti oziosi, nullafacenti, a nulla interessati, peso ed ingombro inutile sopra la terra, come dice Esiodo230; soltanto timorosi (a quanto era dato capire) di offender il ventre e dimagrire. Per il resto, travestiti, mascherati, abbigliati tanto stranamente ch'era bello a vedersi.
Voi dite, e fu scritto da parecchi saggi ed antichi filosofi, che l'industria della Natura appare meravigliosa nello svago ch'ella sembra essersi presa modellando le conchiglie di mare, tanta è la varietà che vi si ammira di figure, colori, disegni e forme non imitabili dall'arte. Ebbene, vi assicuro che non minore varietà di aspetti e mascheramenti riscontrammo negli abiti di quei Gastrolatri, avvolti nelle loro strane cocolle come in un guscio231. Tutti tenevano Gaster per loro gran dio, come dio lo adoravano, sacrificavano a lui come a dio onnipotente, non riconoscevano altro dio all'infuori di lui, lo servivano, lo amavano sopra ogni cosa e sopra ogni cosa come dio lo onoravano. E voi direste che a loro propriamente si riferisse il santo Inviato quando scrisse: «Molti vi sono, dei quali vi ho parlato (e ve ne parlo ancora con le lacrime agli occhi) che camminano come nemici della croce del Cristo; dei quali Morte sarà la consumazione, dei quali Ventre è il Dio».
Pantagruele li paragonava al Ciclope Polifemo che Euripide fa parlare così: «Io non sacrifico che a me stesso (non di certo agli dèi) e a questo mio ventre, che di tutti gli dèi è il più grande».
CAPITOLO LIX
Della ridicola statua chiamata Manduco e come e quali cose i Gastrolatri sacrificano al loro dio Ventripotente
Mentre, pieni di stupore, osservavamo quei poltroni di Gastrolatri dall'immensa gola, udimmo un forte suono di campana, al cui rintocco tutti si schierarono prontamente come in ordine di battaglia, ciascuno secondo il proprio ufficio, grado e anzianità.
Così ordinati si diressero alla volta di Monsignor Gaster, al seguito di un giovane grasso possentemente ventruto, che, in cima a un bastone bene indorato, recava una statua di legno mal tagliata e peggio dipinta, quale si trova descritta in Plauto, Giovenale e Pomponio Festo232. A Lione, di Carnevale, la chiamano Rodicroste; essi la chiamavano Manduco233. Era una effige mostruosa, ridicola, repugnante e spaventosa ai bambini, con occhi più grandi del ventre, la testa più grossa di tutta la restante persona, con ampie, larghe e orribili mascelle, le quali, mosse da una cordicella nascosta dentro il bastone, crepitavano orrendamente l'una contro l'altra battendo, come a Metz le mascelle del dragone di San Clemente.
Avvicinandomi, vidi che i Gastrolatri erano seguiti da una turba di grossi valletti carichi di corbelli, panieri, cartocci, anfore, borse e marmitte. Così, sotto la guida di Manduco, cantando non so quali ditirambi, crepalocomi234, epainoni235, aprirono le loro ceste e marmitte e sacrificarono al loro dio offrendo:
Ippocrasso bianco con tenere caldarroste,
Pane bianco,
Pane morbido,
Pan canonico,
Pan borghese,
Carbonare di sei qualità,
Grigliate di capretto,
Lombate fredde di vitello arrosto, senapizzate con polvere zenzerina,
Cuscus,
Frattaglie,
Nove specie di fricassea,
Pasticcini tornagusto,
Zuppe grasse di prima,
Zuppe di lepre,
Zuppe lionesi,
Cavoli cappucci al midollo di bue,
Ammorsellato di bue con marroni,
Guazzetti vari.
E intermezzi d'eterno beveraggio: prima il buon bianco abboccato, poi chiaretto e vermiglio freschissimo; fresco, vi dico, come il ghiaccio, servito e offerto in grandi tazze d'argento. Poi gli offrirono:
Anduglie ingualdrappate di fine mostarda,
Salsicce,
Lingue di bue affumicate,
Piedini di porco,
Lombo di maiale ai piselli,
Fricandò,
Biroldi,
Cervellate,
Salamelle,
Prosciutti,
Teste di cinghiale,
Cacciagione salata con navoni,
Fegatelli,
Olive in salamoia.
Il tutto accompagnato al beveraggio sempiterno.
Poi presero a infornargli nella gola:
Spalle di castrato con agliata,
Pasticci con salsa calda,
Costolette di porco alla cipolla,
Capponi arrosto con il loro sugo,
Pollastri,
Oche selvatiche,
Capretti,
Caprioli, Daini,
Lepri, Leprotti,
Fagiani, Fagianotti,
Pavoni, Pavoncini,
Beccacce, Beccaccini,
Cicogne, Cicognini,
Ortolani,
Galli, galline e galletti d'India,
Palombi, Palombelle,
Porcellini al mosto,
Germani in salsa bianca,
Merli, Re di quaglia,
Gallinelle d'acqua,
Brante,
Beccarivali,
Arzavole,
Tuffoli,
Tarabusi, Spatule,
Chiurli,
Gallinelle di bosco,
Folaghe ai porri,
Pettirossi, Capretti,
Spalle di montone ai capperi,
Costolette di bue reale,
Petti di vitello,
Pollanche lesse e grassi Capponi in salsa bianca,
Galline regina,
Galletti,
Conigli, Coniglietti,
Quaglie, Quagliotti,
Piccioncini, Piccioni,
Aironetti, Aironi,
Ottarde, Ottardine,
Faraone, Faraoncine,
Pivieri,
Oche, Paperi,
Colombacci,
Anitroccoli,
Lodole di pastura,
Fenicotteri, Cigni,
Rigogoli,
Beccaccini, Gru,
Gambette,
Ciuffolotti,
Chiurli reali,
Francolini,
Tortorelle,
Porcospini,
Gallinelle d'acqua.
Con rinforzi d'aceto a tempo e luogo.
Poi i grandi pasticci,
Di cacciagione,
Di allodole,
Di ghiri,
Di stambecchi,
Di caprioli,
Di piccioni,
Di camosci,
Di capponi,
Pasticci al lardo,
Piedini di porco allo strutto,
Crostate di pasticci in fricassea,
Regaglie di cappone,
Formaggi,
Pesche di Corbeil,
Carciofi,
Focacce di pasta sfoglia,
Cardi,
Donzelline,
Bigné,
Torte di sedici fatte,
Cialde, frittelle,
Cotognata,
Cagliate,
Meringhe,
Mirabolani in confettura,
Gelatina,
Ippocrasso rosso e vermiglio,
Crostini, Maccheroni,
Tartine di venti qualità,
Crema,
Confetture secche e molli, settantotto qualità,
Confetti di cento colori,
Giuncate,
Cialdoni con zucchero a velo.
L'aceto seguiva in coda per timore dell'angina.
Item pan biscotto.
CAPITOLO LX
Come i Gastrolatri sacrificavano al loro dio nei giorni di magro, per distinguerli dai giorni di grasso
Pantagruele, al vedere quella marmaglia di sacrificatoti, ne fu disgustato e se ne sarebbe andato se Epistemone non l'avesse pregato di stare a vedere la conclusione di quella farsa. «E che cosa mai» disse, «sacrificheranno questi bricconi nei giorni di magro, per distinguerli da quelli di grasso?»
«Ve lo dirò io» rispose il pilota. «Per antipasto gli servono:
Caviale,
Bottarghe,
Burro fresco,
Purea di Piselli,
Spinaci,
Aringhe bianche, fresche,
Salacche,
Sardine,
Acciughe,
Tonno marinato,
Cavoli all'olio,
Fave trifolate,
Insalate di cento varietà, di Crescione, di Luppolo, di Coglia del vescovo, di Raperonzoli, di Orecchie di Giuda (una specie di funghi che nascono sui vecchi sambuchi), di Asparagi, di Caprifoglio, e tante altre.
Salmoni salati,
Anguillette salate,
Ostriche al guscio.
«A questo punto ci vuol da bere, altrimenti il Diavolo se lo porterebbe. Essi vi provvedono convenientemente e non c'è pericolo che se ne scordino. Poi gli offrono:
Lamprede in salsa d'Ippocrasso | Salmonetti
---|---
Barbi | Delfini,
Barbietti, | Marsuini,
Muggini, | Rombi,
Mugginetti, | Razze bianche,
Razze, | Sogliole,
Seppie, | Soglioline,
Storioni, | Ricci di mare,
Balene, | Carpe di mare,
Maccarelli, | Ortiche di mare,
Lime, | Crespioni,
Passerini, | Grassi signori,
Ostriche fritte, | Imperatori,
Petonchi, | Angeli di mare,
Gamberi, | Lampredini,
Latterini, | Luccetti,
Triglie, | Carpioni,
Trote, | Carpioncini,
Lavarelli, | Salmoni,
Stoccafissi, | Canocchie,
Piovre, | Vongole,
Pesci lima, | Aliguste,
Quadrelli, | Lambredole,
Ombrine, | Cronghi,
Paggelle, | Oche di mare,
Barbute, | Spigole,
Argentini, | Ombrine,
Tinche, | Murene,
Merluzzi freschi, | Lucci,
Seppie, | Ombrette,
Spinelli, | Laschette,
Tonni, | Anguille,
Ghiozzi, | Ciriole,
Cefali, | Tartarughe,
Orate, | Serpenti, id est Anguille di bosco,
Spratti, | Galline di mare,
Carpe, | Pesce persico,
Pelamidi, | Storione reale,
Cani di mare, | Cavédini,
Gamberi, | Aragoste,
Granchiolini, | Lumache,
Lasche, | Ranocchie.
«Divorate queste vivande, se non beveva, la morte era lì a due passi. Ma vi si provvedeva egregiamente.
«Poi gli sacrificavano:
Baccalà,
Stoccafisso,
Uova fritte, affogate, sperdute, sode, barzotte, al tegame, in tortino, frullate, ripiene, strapazzate, al latte di gallina, sotto cenere, gettate pel camino, incatramate, et cet.,
Merluzzi salati,
Farfalle,
Totani,
Lucci piccoli marinati.
Per cuocere e digerire i quali, l'aceto correva a fiumi. E per finire gli offrivano:
Riso, | Sisari,
---|---
Miglio, | Pangiallo,
Tritello, | Farinata,
Burro di mandorle, | Prugnoli,
Neve di Burro, | Datteri,
Pistacchi, | Noci,
Pinoli, | Nocciole,
Fichi, | Pastinaca,
Uva secca, | Carciofi.
«Inframmesso l'eterno beveraggio.
«Credetemi: non era certo da farne carico a loro se questo Gaster, loro dio, non fosse stato acconciamente, preziosamente e copiosamente servito, con tali sacrifizi, ancor più e meglio dell'idolo di Eliogabalo, anzi dell'idolo Bel di Babilonia, sotto il re Baldassarre. Nondimeno Gaster confessava di essere non già un dio, bensì una povera, vile e meschina creatura. E come il re Antigone, primo del nome, rispose a un tale Ermodoto (che, nelle sue poesie, lo chiamava dio e figlio del Sole): "Il mio Lasanoforo lo nega" (Lasanon era una terrina o vassoio adatto a ricevere gli escrementi del ventre), così Gaster rinviava quei Manducofori alla sua seggetta, perché andassero a vedere, considerare, filosofare e contemplare in quella la divinità della sua materia fecale».
CAPITOLO LXI
Come Gaster inventò i mezzi per raccogliere e conservare il grano
Ritiratisi quei diavoli di Gastrolatri, Pantagruele si interessò allo studio di Gaster, il nobile maestro delle arti. Voi sapete che, per istituzione di natura, gli fu assegnato, con i suoi appannaggi, per provvigione e nutrimento, il pane; con l'aggiunta di questa benedizione del cielo, che per procurarselo e conservarlo nulla gli sarebbe mancato.
Fin da principio, egli inventò l'arte fabbrile e l'agricoltura per coltivare la terra affinché gli producesse il grano. Inventò l'arte militare e le armi per difenderlo; la medicina e l'astrologia con le matematiche necessarie affinché non gli venisse a mancare per molti secoli, per proteggerlo dalle calamità dell'aria, dai guasti delle bestie selvagge, dalle rapine dei briganti. Inventò i mulini ad acqua, a vento, a braccia, e mille altri ingegni per molirlo e ridurlo in farina; il lievito per far fermentare la pasta; il sale per dargli sapore (poiché egli aveva appreso che nulla al mondo rende l'uomo soggetto a malattie quanto l'uso del pane azzimo e non salato); il fuoco per cuocerlo, gli orologi e le meridiane per misurare il tempo delle cotture dei pani, creature del grano.
Accadde che il grano venne a mancare in un paese; allora egli inventò il mezzo per trasportarlo da una contrada all'altra. Con inventiva ammirevole, accoppiò due specie di animali, asini e giumente, per produrne una terza. Noi li chiamiamo muli, e sono bestie più robuste, meno delicate, e più resistenti alla fatica delle altre. Inventò carri e carrette per trasportare il grano più agevolmente. Il mare e i fiumi impedivano il trasporto, ed egli inventò battelli, galere e navigli (cosa che fece stupire gli elementi) per navigare al di là dei mari e dei fiumi, per prendere e trasportare grano da nazioni barbare, sconosciute e remote.
È accaduto di poi che certe annate, coltivando la terra, non si avessero piogge abbastanza e nella giusta stagione e che, per tale mancanza, il grano morisse e si perdesse sotto terra. Certe altre annate, la pioggia essendo eccessiva, il grano vi annegava. Oppure accadeva che la grandine lo guastasse, il vento lo sgranasse, la tempesta lo abbattesse. Ebbene, egli, già molto prima del nostro arrivo, aveva inventato mezzi e artifizi per evocare la pioggia dai cieli; e ciò semplicemente tagliando un'erba assai comune nelle praterie, ma conosciuta a pochi e che lui ci mostrò. E io stimai che fosse quella stessa con la quale anticamente, in tempo di siccità, il pontefice di Giove, immergendone un solo stelo nella fonte Agria sul monte Licio in Arcadia, eccitava i vapori. Dai vapori si formavano grosse nubi, le quali, sciogliendosi in pioggia, irroravano a piacere tutta la regione. Inventò poi l'arte e il modo di sospendere e arrestare la pioggia nell'aria e farla precipitare nel mare. Inventò l'arte e il modo di annientare la grandine, sopprimere i venti, distornare la tempesta, alla maniera usata dai Metanesi di Trezene236.
Altro infortunio, i ladroni e i briganti che razziavano grano e pane per le terre. Egli allora inventò l'arte di costruire città, fortezze e castelli per rinchiudervelo e là custodirlo al sicuro.
Non trovando più pane nelle terre indifese e inteso ch'esso era rinchiuso dentro città, fortezze e castelli e quivi difeso con più cura di quanto non lo fossero dai draghi gli aurei pomi delle Esperidi, inventò l'arte e il modo di abbattere fortezze e castelli con macchine e bellici tormenti, arieti, baliste, catapulte, di cui ci mostrò le figure, peraltro assai male intese dagli ingegnosi architetti discepoli di Vitruvio, come a noi ha confessato Messer Filiberto de l'Orme, grande architetto del re Megisto237. Ed essendo queste macchine divenute inefficaci a causa della maligna sottigliezza e sottile malignità dei fortificatori, egli ha inventato di recente cannoni, serpentine, colubrine, bombarde, basilischi atti a scagliare palle di ferro, di piombo, di bronzo, pesanti più di una grossa incudine, e ciò in virtù di una composizione di polvere al cui potere terrificante la natura stessa s'inchina sbigottita, dichiarandosi vinta dall'arte; sì che adesso ha in ispregio l'usanza degli Ossidriaci238 i quali, a forza di folgori, tuoni, grandinate, lampi, tempeste e uragani, vincevano i nemici in campo aperto, mettendoli a morte in men che non si dica. Infatti è più orribile, più spaventevole, più diabolico, e più gente ferisce, strazia, rompe, uccide, e più sconvolge i sensi degli umani, e più muraglie squassa e demolisce un sol colpo di basilisco di quanto non farebbero cento colpi di fulmine.
CAPITOLO LXII
Come Gaster inventò l'arte ed il modo per non essere ferito né raggiunto dai colpi di cannone
È accaduto che Gaster, mentre ammassava il grano nelle sue fortezze, si vedesse assalito dai nemici, e le fortezze rase al suolo da quelle triscachiste239 e infernali macchine di guerra. Ed egli inventò il modo di preservare i suoi baluardi, bastioni, muraglie e difese da tali cannoneggiamenti, facendo in modo che i proiettili restassero fermi e lontani nell'aria o che, toccando il bersaglio, non recassero alcun danno né alle difese né ai cittadini difensori.
A questi inconvenienti, già prima del nostro arrivo, egli aveva ovviato egregiamente, e ce ne diede un saggio, del quale ha profittato in seguito Frontone240: attualmente un gioco d'uso corrente fra i passatempi e gli onesti esercizi dei Telemiti. Il saggio (e d'ora in poi sarete più propensi a credere ciò che Plutarco assicura di aver sperimentato, che cioè se un branco di capre prende la fuga correndo a tutta forza, basta che voi mettiate un pezzetto di cardo in gola a una delle ultime e tutte le altre si fermano) fu come segue:
Dentro un falconetto, egli metteva polvere da cannone accuratamente composta, sgrassata dallo zolfo e mescolata, in giusta proporzione, con canfora fina. Poi vi metteva sopra una palla di bronzo ben calibrata, e sopra ancora ventiquattro pallette di ferro, quali rotonde e sferiche, quali a forma di lacrima. Poi, preso di mira un suo giovane paggio, come dovesse ferirlo in mezzo allo stomaco alla distanza di sessanta passi, a mezza strada fra il paggio e il falconetto in linea retta, sospendeva in aria, mediante una corda e un cavalletto di legno, una grossa pietra siderita, cioè a dire ferriera, altrimenti detta erculiana, scoperta un tempo sul monte Ida in Frigia da un tal Magnete, come attesta Nicandro; noi volgarmente la chiamiamo calamita241. Poi dava fuoco al falconetto dalla bocca del luminello. Consumata la polvere, succedeva che, per evitare vacuità (poiché la natura aborre il vuoto e la macchina dell'universo – cielo, aria, terra, mare – tornerebbe all'antico caos piuttosto che tollerare una qualche vacuità in alcun luogo del mondo) la palla e le pallottole venivano scaricate impetuosamente fuori dalla gola del falconetto, affinché l'aria penetrasse nella camera di quello, la quale altrimenti sarebbe rimasta in vacuità, stante il fulmineo consumarsi della polvere al contatto del fuoco. La palla e le pallottole, così violentemente scagliate, sembravano bene dover colpire il ragazzo, ma sul punto di avvicinarsi alla pietra magnetica perdevano il loro impulso e restavano in aria fluttuanti e ruotanti attorno a quella pietra; né si dava il caso che una sola ne passasse oltre fino a toccare il segno.
Di più: Gaster inventò anche l'arte ed il modo di far tornare indietro palle e pallottole contro il nemico, con la stessa violenza e trambusto con cui venivano tirate e sulla stessa traiettoria. Né la cosa gli riuscì difficile, atteso che l'erba chiamata Aethiopis apre tutte le serrature che le si presentano242 e che la remora, pescetto da nulla, arresta contro tutti i venti e trattiene in pieno fortunale le navi più forti che siano sul mare, e che la carne di questo pesce, conservata sotto sale, tira fuori l'oro dai pozzi, per profondi che si rivelino alla sonda;
atteso che Democrito ha scritto – e Teofrasto l'ha creduto e sperimentato – esservi un'erba al cui semplice tocco, un cuneo di ferro conficcato di forza e profondamente in un grosso e duro legno, subitamente ne vien fuori: erba della quale si giova il picchio marzaiolo – quello che voi chiamate picchio verde – quando con qualche grosso cavicchio di ferro gli chiudono il buco del nido ch'esso è adusato a costruire industriosamente scavando nel tronco di grossi alberi;
atteso che cervi e cerbiatte, profondamente straziate da dardi, frecce e quadrelli, se incappano nell'erba chiamata dittamo, frequente in Candia, e ne mangiano un po', subito le frecce schizzano fuori e non ne resta traccia veruna di danno o di dolore. Tant'è vero che Venere, col dittamo, guarì il suo beneamato figlio Enea, ferito alla coscia da una freccia tirata dalla sorella di Turno, Juturna;
atteso che al solo effluvio dei lauri, dei fichi e dei vitelli marini, il fulmine è distornato e mai non li ferisce;
atteso che, al solo aspetto d'un ariete, gli elefanti infuriati ritrovano la loro indole quieta; che i tori imbizziti e forsennati, avvicinandosi ai fichi selvatici detti caprifichi, si ammansiscono e restano come attrappiti e immobili, e che l'aggressività delle vipere svanisce al tocco di un ramoscello di faggio;
atteso che, nell'isola di Samo, prima che il tempio di Giunone vi fosse costruito, Euforione scrisse d'aver visto certe bestie chiamate Neadi, alla cui sola voce la terra si apriva in fenditure ed abissi;
atteso parimenti che il sambuco cresce più melodioso e più adatto al suono dei flauti nei paesi nei quali mai non risuoni il canto del gallo, come hanno scritto gli antichi saggi a quanto ne riferisce Teofrasto, come se il canto del gallo insordisse, sfibrasse e infrollisse la materia ed il legno del sambuco; e che analogamente, al solo udire una nota di quel canto, il leone, animale di sì grande possanza e pervicacia, ne rimane tutto stordito e costernato.
Io so che altri hanno riferito questa opinione al sambuco selvatico, che prospera in luoghi così lontani da città e villaggi che mai non vi potrebbe giungere il canto dei galli. E senza dubbio, per farne flauti ed altri strumenti musicali, questo sambuco dev'essere prescelto e preferito a quello domestico, che cresce attorno a casali e catapecchie.
Altri hanno inteso la cosa in senso più elevato, non secondo la lettera, ma per allegoria, conforme l'uso dei pitagorici. Così la sentenza che dice la statua di Mercurio non dover essere fatta indifferentemente di qualsiasi legno, essi la intendono nel senso che Dio non deve essere adorato in modo volgare, ma in modo eletto e religioso.
Del pari, distinguendo sambuco da sambuco, gli antichi ci insegnano che le persone sagge e studiose non debbono darsi alla musica triviale e volgare, ma a quella celeste, divina ed angelica: la più segreta e che ci viene più di lontano; e cioè da una regione dove non giunge il canto dei galli. Infatti, volendo indicare luoghi reconditi e dove è raro incontrare anima viva, anche noi siamo soliti dire che mai colà non fu udito cantare un gallo.
CAPITOLO LXIII
Come nei pressi dell'isola di Chaneph Pantagruele sonnecchiava
e dei problemi posti al suo risveglio
Il giorno seguente, continuando sulla nostra rotta e chiacchierando del più e del meno, giungemmo nei pressi dell'isola di Chaneph243 alla quale Pantagruele non poté approdare a causa dell'improvvisa accalmia. Non c'era più una bava di vento. Non navigavamo che con le balanzine, passando di continuo da tribordo a babordo e da babordo a tribordo, benché si fossero aggiunti i fiocchi alle vele. Ed eravamo lì tutti pensosi, straniti, inebetiti e contrariati, senza scambiar parola.
Pantagruele sonnecchiava sdraiato su uno strapuntino vicino ai boccaporti, e aveva in mano un testo greco di Eliodoro, perché lui dormiva assai meglio col libro che a memoria.
Epistemone, con il suo astrolabio, era occupato a stabilire la nostra posizione rispetto al polo.
Fra Giovanni s'era stabilito in cucina. Là dai moti ascendenti degli spiedi e dall'oroscopo delle fricassee considerava che ora potesse essere.
Panurgo, con la lingua, faceva bollicine e gorgoglii dentro una canna di Pantagruelione244.
Ginnasta aguzzava la punta a uno stuzzicadenti di lentisco.
Ponocrate fantasticava fantasticando, si faceva il solletico per farsi ridere da sé e si grattava la testa con un dito.
Carpalim, con il guscio di una noce grolliera era intento a costruire un piccolo, bello, festoso ed armonioso mulinetto a vento con quattro alette di legno di ontano.
Eustene tamburellava con le dita su di una lunga colubrina come suonasse il monocordo.
Rizotomo, con un guscio di tartaruga di brughiera si fabbricava una scarsella foderata di velluto.
Xenomane, con dei geti da falcone, rabberciava una vecchia lanterna.
Il nostro pilota, preoccupato degli umori della ciurma, tirava giù i calzetti245 ai marinai; quando fra Giovanni, uscendo dalla cambusa, s'accorse che Pantagruele si era svegliato.
Allora, rompendo un così ostinato silenzio, a voce alta e con grande gaiezza di spirito, domandò: «Chi mi sa dire un modo di far alzare il vento in accalmìa?»246.
Panurgo, di rincalzo, invocò un rimedio contro la noia.
Epistemone interzò allegramente chiedendo un mezzo per pisciare quando a uno non gli scappa.
Ginnasta si alzò in piedi e chiese uno specifico contro l'abbagliamento degli occhi.
Ponocrate, stropicciandosi la fronte e scuotendo le orecchie, chiese un rimedio per non dormire alla maniera dei cani.
«Un momento!» disse Pantagruele. «Per decreto di tutti i sottili filosofi peripatetici, è stabilito che tutti i problemi, tutte le questioni, tutti i dubbi proposti, debbono essere certi, chiari e intellegibili. Cosa intendete voi per dormire alla maniera dei cani?»
«Dormire a digiuno in pieno sole» rispose Ponocrate.
Rizotomo, accovacciato in corsia, levò la testa sbadigliando profondamente, così che tutti i compagni sbadigliarono anch'essi per naturale simpatia e chiese un rimedio contro lo spalancarsi della bocca e gli sbadigli.
Xenomane, tutto inlanternato nel lanternare la sua lanterna, domandò la maniera di bilanciare la cornamusa dello stomaco per modo che non penda più da un lato che dall'altro.
Carpalim, giocherellando con il suo mulinetto, chiese quanti movimenti debbono verificarsi in natura perché possa dirsi che la persona ha fame.
Eustene, richiamato da quel chiasso, accorse sul ponte e da presso l'argano gridò:
«Perché l'uomo morsicato a digiuno da un serpente digiuno è in maggior pericolo di morte che se avessero mangiato, sia l'uomo sia il serpente? Perché la saliva dell'uomo digiuno è velenosa a tutti i serpenti e a tutti gli animali velenosi?»
«Amici miei» rispose Pantagruele, «a tutti i dubbi e quesiti da voi proposti conviene una sola soluzione; a tutti i relativi sintomi e disturbi una sola medicina. La soluzione vi sarà data prontamente, ma senza lunghi ambagi e giri di parole: stomaco affamato non ha orecchi e non ci sente. Per segni, gesti ed effetti sarete soddisfatti e avrete la soluzione che andate cercando; come anticamente in Roma, Tarquinio il Superbo, ultimo re dei Romani» (così dicendo Pantagruele tirò la corda della campanella e fra Giovanni si precipitò in cucina) «per segni diede risposta a Sesto, suo figlio, che si trovava nella città dei Gabini e gli aveva mandato espressamente un messaggero per sapere in che modo soggiogare del tutto i Gabini e ridurli a perfetta obbedienza. Il re, diffidando della lealtà del messaggero, non gli rispose nulla; solamente lo condusse in un suo giardino segreto pieno di papaveri e là, sotto i suoi occhi, recise con la spada le teste dei più alti. Tornato il messaggero senza risposta e avendo raccontato al figlio ciò che aveva veduto fare dal padre, fu facile capire da quei taciti segni che il re consigliava di tagliare la testa ai notabili della città per meglio ridurre a dovere e in totale obbedienza il popolo minuto»247.
CAPITOLO LXIV
Come da Pantagruele non fu data soluzione ai problemi proposti
Poi Pantagruele domandò:
«Che gente abita in quest'isola da cani?»
«Sono tutti ipocriti, idropici, mangiareliquie, gattemorte, taumaturgastrici, eremiti» disse Xenomane «tutti poveracci che vivono (come il nostro eremita di Lormont, fra Blay e Bordeaux) delle elemosine dei viaggiatori».
«Io non ci vado, ve lo assicuro» disse Panurgo. «Che il diavolo mi soffi nel culo se ci vado. Eremiti, taumaturgastrici, ipocriti, gattemorte, via di là! Mi ricordo ancora di quei grassi concilipeti di Chesil248: vorrei proprio che Belzebù e Astarotte li avessero conciliati con Proserpina, tanto patimmo di tempeste e diavolerie soltanto per averli visti! Ascolta, di grazia, mio piccolo pancione, mio caporale Xenomane, questi ipocriti, eremiti, marmittoni di qui sono vergini o maritati? Ce l'hanno un po' di genere femminino? C'è modo di darci dentro ipocritamente con qualche bottarella ipocrita?»
«Questa sì ch'è una bella e allegra domanda!» disse Pantagruele.
«Come no, per Diana» rispose Xenomane, «vi sono là molte belle e allegre ipocritesse, gattemorte, eremitesse assai religiose e gran copia di piccoli ipocritucci, gattemortucce, eremitucci...»
«Vade retro!» esclamò fra Giovanni interrompendo. «Lungi da me quella roba! Da giovane eremita, diavolo vecchio!249 Prendete nota di questo proverbio veritiero».
«... Altrimenti, senza seguito di discendenza, l'isola di Chaneph sarebbe da gran tempo deserta e desolata».
Pantagruele, allora, inviò Ginnasta con un battello a portar loro la sua elemosina: settantottomila bei piccoli mezzi scudi della lanterna250. Poi domandò:
«Che ora è?»
«Le nove passate» rispose Epistemone, «giusto l'ora del desinare. Perché si avvicina la sacra linea tanto celebrata da Aristofane nella commedia intitolata Le Arringatrici251, la quale si arresta allorché l'ombra tocca il decimo punto del quadrante. Un tempo, tra i Persiani, l'ora della refezione era prescritta soltanto per i re: tutti gli altri avevano per orologio il ventre e l'appetito. Infatti c'è in Plauto un certo parassita che si duole e detesta fieramente gli inventori di orologi e meridiane, essendo cosa notoria che non c'è orologio più esatto del ventre252. Diogene, richiesto di dire a che ora l'uomo dovrebbe desinare, rispose: "Il ricco quando avrà fame, il povero quando avrà di che"253. Più propriamente, i medici consigliano di
levarsi alle cinque, pranzare alle nove,
cenare alle cinque, giacersi alle nove,
affermando essere questo l'orario canonico. La magia del celebre re Petosiris254 ordinava diversamente...»
Non aveva Epistemone ancora finito di dire queste parole che già gli uffiziali di bocca allestivano tavole e credenze, con tovaglie profumate, piatti, tovaglioli, saliere; recavano coppe, caraffe, nappi, boccali, bottiglie, tazze, brocche e bacili; fra Giovanni, di rinforzo a maggiordomi, scalchi, panettieri, coppieri, scudieri, tranciatori, dispensieri, assaggiatori, portò quattro orrifici pasticci di prosciutto così grandi che mi vennero in mente i quattro bastioni di Torino. Dio vero, che bevute e che festa! Non si era ancora al dessert che il vento d'ovest-nord-ovest cominciò a gonfiare vele, pappafichi, moresche e trinchetti. Per cui tutti resero grazie all'altissimo Dio dei cieli con cantici di lode.
Alle frutta, Pantagruele domandò: «E adesso, amici, ditemi se i vostri dubbi sono interamente risolti».
«Io non sbadiglio più, grazie a Dio» disse Rizotomo.
«Io» disse Ponocrate, «non dormo più da cane».
«Io non ho più il barbaglio agli occhi» disse Ginnasta.
«Io non son più a digiuno» disse Eustene. «Per tutt'oggi saranno al sicuro dalla mia saliva:
Abedessimoni, Cani arrabbiati,
Aemorroidi, Canicule,
Alcharati, Cantaridi,
Alhartafi, Catoblepi,
Alhatrabani, Cencrini,
Amfisbeni, Cerasti,
Ammobati, Chelidri,
Aneruditi, Chersidri,
Apimaossi, Cicriodi,
Aracnidi, Coarî,
Aracti, Coccodrilli,
Argi, Coloti,
Ascalabi, Croniocolapti,
Ascalaboti, Dipsadî,
Asterioni, Domesi,
Attelabi, Donnole,
Basilischi, Dragoni,
Boa, Drinadî,
Bupresti, Elopî,
Cafezati, Enidridi,
Caimani, Fabuisî,
Falangi, Rimoari,
Galeotti, Rospi,
Handoni, Ruteli,
Harmeni, Sabtinî,
Iarrarî, Salamandre,
Ichneumoni, Salfugi,
Iclî, Sanglie,
Ilicini, Sanguisughe,
Incubi, Scalabotini,
Kesuduri, Scolopendre,
Lepri marine, Scorpene,
Lucertole calcidiche, Scorpioni,
Manticore, Scytali,
Megalaunî, Selsiri,
Miagrî, Sepe,
Miliarî, Sepedoni,
Molurî, Solifugi,
Museragnoli, Solofuidari,
Myopî, Sordi,
Pareadi, Stellioni,
Penfredoni, Stincie,
Pitiocampi, Stufe,
Porfirî, Tarantole,
Ptyadî, Teristali,
Rhagane, Tetragnati,
Rhagioni, Tifolopi,
Vipere255.
255
CAPITOLO LXV
Come Pantagruele fa alzare il vento con i suoi familiari
«In quale gerarchia di animali velenosi» chiese frate Giovanni, «mettete voi la futura moglie di Panurgo?»
«Ma sentitelo» disse Panurgo, «questo fra Ganimede dal culo pelato che dice male delle donne!»
«Per San Guinaccio di Le Mans!» disse Epistemone. «Anche Euripide lo scrive, e lo fa dire ad Andromeda: che contro tutte le bestie velenose un utile rimedio si è trovato per invenzione degli umani o per consiglio degli dèi; ma nessun rimedio, fino ad oggi, contro la mala femmina».
«Quel mughetto di Euripide» disse Panurgo, «non faceva altro che dir male delle donne. Tant'è che, per vendetta divina, fu mangiato dai cani, come gli ricorda Aristofane. Andiamo avanti. Chi ha da dire parli».
«Io per me, adesso» disse Epistemone, «posso pisciare quanto mi pare».
«Adesso» disse Xenomane, «il mio stomaco è zavorrato a misura di crusca, per cui non penderà da una parte più che dall'altra».
«A me» disse Carpalim,
Or non mi giova più vino né pane.
Tregua alla sete, tregua alla fame».
«La Dio mercé e grazie a voi» disse Panurgo, «a me mi è passata la noia:
Più faceto di un Loreto,
più sgalluzzito d'uno smeriglione,
più caposcarico di un farfallone.
«E poi l'ha scritto il vostro bell'Euripide e lo dice anche Sileno che se ne intendeva:
È matto, anzi furioso e senza sale in zucca
chi non diventa allegro pigliandosi la ciucca.
«Senza alcun dubbio dobbiamo lodare grandemente il buon Dio, nostro Creatore, Salvatore e Conservatore, che con questo buon pane, con questo buon vino e fresco, con queste buone vivande, ci guarisce da tali perturbazioni sia del corpo sia dell'anima, senza contare il piacere e la voluttà che ci è data mangiando e bevendo. Voi però non avete ancora risposto alla domanda di questo benedetto e venerabile fra Giovanni quando vi ha chiesto come si fa ad alzare il vento».
«Poiché» disse Pantagruele, «vi accontentate di risposte leggere ai vostri dubbi, me ne accontento anch'io. In altro tempo e luogo, ne potremo dire di più, quando vi piaccia. Resta dunque da risolvere il quesito proposto da fra Giovanni: in che modo alzare il vento. Forse che non l'abbiamo alzato quanto basta? Guardate la bandiera in coffa. Guardate come garriscono le vele. Guardate come tirano gli stragli, le sartie, le scotte. Alzando noi e vuotando i bicchieri, il vento si è alzato anch'esso per occulta simpatia di natura. Così fecero, se vogliamo credere ai savi mitologi, Atlante ed Ercole, che alzarono addirittura il cielo e lo alzarono mezzo grado di troppo: Atlante per festeggiare più allegramente Ercole suo ospite; Ercole a causa della gran sete rimediata attraverso i deserti di Libia...»
«Zio vero!» disse fra Giovanni interrompendolo. «Ho sentito dire da molti venerabili dottori che Tirlupino, cantiniere del vostro buon genitore, risparmia ogni anno più di ottocento barili di vino facendo bere i visitatori e i familiari prima che abbiano sete».
«... Perché» disse Pantagruele continuando, «Ercole fece come i cammelli e i dromedari in carovana, che bevono per la sete passata, per la sete presente e per quella futura. Di modo che, per quell'alzata eccessiva, avvenne in cielo un nuovo movimento di oscillazione e di trepidazione sul quale tante controversie e diatribe si accesero tra i folli astrologi».
«Insomma» disse Panurgo, «è come si dice in proverbio:
Passa il maltempo e torna il tempo bello,
mentre si trinca intorno al culatello».
«E non solo, mangiando e bevendo, abbiamo alzato il vento» disse Pantagruele, «ma abbiamo alleggerito grandemente la nave; e non soltanto al modo come fu alleggerito il corbello di Esopo256, cioè consumando le vettovaglie, ma altresì emancipandoci dal digiuno. Perché, come il corpo è più pesante da morto che da vivo, così l'uomo a digiuno è più terrestre e pesante che quando ha bevuto e mangiato257. E non parlano impropriamente coloro che alla partenza per un lungo viaggio bevono e mangiano sodo al mattino, poi dicono: "Adesso i nostri cavalli andranno più spediti". Non sapete che un tempo gli Amiclei più di ogni altro dio adoravano e riverivano il nobile padre Bacco e con denominazione adatta e conveniente, lo chiamavano Psila? In lingua dorica, Psila sono le ali. Perché, come gli uccelli, con l'aiuto delle loro ali, volano alti e leggeri nell'aria, così, con l'aiuto di Bacco, cioè del buon vino ghiotto e delizioso, gli spiriti degli umani si elevano, i loro corpi si avvivano, la loro terrestrità palesemente si affina e si fa più leggera».
CAPITOLO LXVI
Come, presso l'isola dei Ganabini, al comando di Pantagruele,
furono salutate le Muse
Continuando il vento propizio e gli allegri conversari, parve a Pantagruele di scorgere di lontano una terra montuosa, e come ne fu sicuro la indicò a Xenomane e gli chiese:
«La vedete, laggiù a orza, quell'alta roccia a due gobbe che somiglia tanto al monte Parnaso in Focide?»
«Benissimo» disse Xenomane. «È l'isola dei Ganabini. Volete scendervi?»
«No» disse Pantagruele.
«Fate bene» disse Xenomane, «tanto non c'è niente che valga la pena di vedere. Gli abitanti son tutti ladri e predoni. C'è tuttavia, sulle pendici di quella gobba a destra, la più bella fontana del mondo con intorno una grande foresta. Le vostre ciurme potranno farvi provvista d'acqua e di legna».
«Parole accorte e sagge» disse Panurgo. «Mai più, mai più, scendere in quella terra di ladri e di predoni. Sì sì, alla larga! Quella, ve lo dico io, è tale e quale come le isole di Cerq e di Herm fra la Bretagna e l'Inghilterra che io una volta ci sono stato. Quella è peggio della Poneropolis258 di Filippo in Tracia: isole di furfanti, ladroni, briganti, omicidi e assassini: tutti discesi in linea diretta dagli esemplari che stanno nelle segrete della Conciergie259. Non andiamoci, vi scongiuro! Se non credete a me, credete almeno al consiglio del nostro bravo e saggio Xenomane. Quelli sono peggio dei cannibali. Mi cascassero gli occhi! Ci mangeranno vivi. Non andateci, per favore. Sarebbe meglio per voi scendere all'inferno. Ascoltate. Per Dio, se non mi cornano le orecchie, sento già le spaventose campane a stormo, come le suonavano un tempo i Guasconi nel Bordolese contro i gabellieri e i commissari. Tiriamo via di lungo. A poggia, a poggia! giriamo al largo!»
«Scendiamo» gridava invece fra Giovanni, «scendiamo, per tutti i nipotini di Lucifero! Avanti, avanti e avanti sempre! Tanto non c'è pericolo di pagare l'alloggio. Andiamo là e li massacriamo tutti. Sbarchiamo!»
«Ecco che il diavolo ci mette la coda!» disse Panurgo. «Questo monaco del diavolo, questo diavolo arrabbiato d'un monaco non ha paura di niente. È scatenato come tutti i diavoli e se ne fotte degli altri, come se tutti fossero monaci come lui!»
«Va', lebbrosaccio» rispose fra Giovanni, «vattene a tutti i diavoli, che ti stacchino il cervello e te lo facciano a fettine. Questo diavolo di matto è così poltrone e vigliacco che si smerda sotto ogni momento per lo scagazzo ladro che ha. Se ci hai la battisoffia per paura di una mosca, non ci venire. Resta qui con i bagagli, oppure vatti a nascondere sotto la cioppa260 di Proserpina, fra tutti i milioni di diavoli».
A queste parole, Panurgo sparì dalla compagnia, e si nascose da basso nella stiva, fra croste, briciole e troccoli di pan secco.
«Io» disse Pantagruele, «sento nell'animo una repulsione profonda, come se fosse una voce udita di lontano che mi dicesse che non dobbiamo sbarcare. Tutte le volte che ho avvertito nell'intimo un simile impulso e l'ho assecondato rinunciando ed evitando i luoghi dove esso mi diceva di non andare, me ne son trovato contento. Per contro, mi son trovato altrettanto bene seguendo la via cui mi sollecitava e non ebbi mai a pentirmene».
«È» disse Epistemone, «come il dèmone di Socrate, tanto celebrato dagli Accademici».
«Allora» disse fra Giovanni, «ascoltatemi bene: mentre le ciurme vanno per acqua e Panurgo sta laggiù acquattato come un lupo nel pagliaio, vogliamo farci due risate? Fate far fuoco a quel basilisco là vicino al cassero. Sarà per salutare le Muse di questo monte Antiparnasso. Tanto la polvere vi si guasta dentro».
«Ben detto» rispose Pantagruele. «Chiamatemi il capo bombardiere».
Il bombardiere non si fece attendere. Pantagruele gli ordinò di sparare il basilisco e di ricaricarlo con polveri fresche per ogni evenienza. Detto fatto. E i bombardieri delle altre navi, rambargi, galeoni e galeazze del convoglio, alla prima scarica del basilisco dell'ammiraglia, fecero fuoco anch'essi con uno dei grossi pezzi già carichi: un bellissimo fracasso, ve lo assicuro.
CAPITOLO LXVII
Come Panurgo se la fece addosso dalla gran paura e come pensava che il grande gatto Rodilardo261 fosse un piccolo diavolo
E Panurgo, come un caprone stordito, salta fuori dalla stiva con le mutande infilate a metà in una gamba sola, con la barba tutta seminata di briciole di pane, tenendo in mano un grosso gatto di pelo zibellino aggrappato all'altra metà delle mutande. E labbreggiando come una scimmia che si cerca i pidocchi in testa, tremando e battendo i denti, si strinse a fra Giovanni, ch'era seduto accanto al portasartie, e lo pregò devotamente di aver pietà di lui e di tenerlo sotto la protezione della sua scimitarra, affermando e giurando sulla sua parte di Papimania di aver appena visto tutti i diavoli scatenati.
«Guà, guà» diceva, «guà, guà, fratello, amico mio, padre mio spirituale, tutti i diavoli oggi sono di nozze! Tu non l'hai mai visto un tale apparato di banchetti infernali. Non vedi il fumo delle cucine d'inferno? (e così dicendo mostrava i fumi delle cannonate sopra tutte le navi). Tu non le hai mai viste tante anime dannate in una volta. E lo sai il perché? Guà, guà, amico mio! Son così tenerelle, così biondette, così delicate che le diresti fatte di ambrosia dello Stige. Ho creduto (Dio mi perdoni) che fossero anime inglesi e ho pensato che proprio stamattina l'isola dei Cavalli262 fosse stata saccheggiata e devastata, con tutti gli Inglesi che l'avevano presa, dai signori di Termes e Dessay».
Ma intanto fra Giovanni avvertiva un non so che odore diverso da quello della polvere da cannone. Per cui trasse Panurgo in disparte e s'accorse che la sua camicia era tutta squacquerata e immerdata di fresco.
La virtù ritentrice del nervo che rinserra il muscolo chiamato sfintere (che è poi il buco del culo) si era dissolta per la forza della paura che gli era presa nelle sue deliranti visioni, aggiuntovi il frastuono di tante cannonate che più orrendamente rimbomba nel profondo delle stive che non sopra il ponte. Poiché una delle evenienze sintomatiche della paura è che per essa ordinariamente si apre lo sportello del serraglio nel quale si conserva pro tempore la materia fecale.
Valga l'esempio di messer Pandolfo della Cascina, senese, il quale, passando per posta da Chambéry ed essendo disceso presso il saggio locandiere Vinet, prese un forcone dalla stalla e gli disse: Da Roma in qua io non sono andato del corpo. Di gratia, piglia in mano questa forca et fa mi paura263. Vinet, con il forcone, fece parecchie azioni di scherma come fingendo di volerlo infilare d'imbroccata. Ma il Senese gli disse: Se tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla. Però sforzati di adoperarti più guagliardamente. Allora Vinet, con il forcone, gli menò un tal fendente fra collo e colletto che lo mandò per terra a gambe per aria. Poi, sbavando e sganasciandosi dal ridere, gli disse: «Festa di Dio Baiardo! Questo si chiama Datum Camberiaci»264. Il Senese fece appena a tempo a slacciarsi le braghe, perché immediatamente gli scappò da cacare, e tanta ne fece che nemmeno nove bufali e quattordici arcipreti di Ostia ne avrebbero fatta altrettanta. Alla fine, il Senese ringraziò amabilmente Vinet e gli disse: Io ti ringratio, bel messere. Così facendo tu m'hai risparmiata la speza d'un servitiale.
Altro esempio, il re d'Inghilterra, Edoardo V. Mastro Francesco Villon, bandito di Francia, si era rifugiato presso di lui, ed egli lo aveva accolto in tale intimità che nulla gli nascondeva delle minute faccende della sua casa. Un giorno, mentre andava del corpo, gli mostrò lo stemma di Francia dipinto nella latrina e gli disse: «Lo vedi con quanta riverenza io guardo ai tuoi re di Francia? Non vedrai il loro stemma da nessuna parte, salvo in questo ritiro, vicino alla mia seggetta». «Sacramento!» rispose Villon. «Quanto siete savio, prudente, avveduto e sollecito della vostra salute, e come ben servito dal vostro dotto medico Tommaso Linacer! Il quale, vedendo che voi, nei vostri vecchi giorni, eravate naturalmente costipato di ventre e che ogni giorno bisognava cacciarvi in culo un apotecario (voglio dire un clistere, che altrimenti non c'era verso di farvi andare), molto acconciamente, per singolare e virtuosa provvidenza, vi ha fatto dipingere qui e non altrove le armi di Francia; perché al solo vederle, vi viene un tale scagazzo, un così spaventoso spavento, che subito ne fate quanta non ne farebbero dodici bonasi di Peonia265 e perché, se fossero dipinte in altri luoghi della vostra casa, nella vostra camera, nella vostra sala, nella vostra cappella, nelle vostre gallerie o altrove, non fareste che scagazzare a ogni incontro per tutto il palazzo. E di grazia che qui non è raffigurato anche il grande orifiamma di Francia, alla cui vista caccereste le budella dal ventre attraverso il fondamento. Ma hem, hem, atque iterum hem!
Son proprio io quel balordo di Parigi,
dico Parigi vicino a Pontesa,
al cui collo una corda di una tesa
farà sapere quanto il cul gli pesa.266
«Balordo, dico, malaccorto e insensato, quando, venendo qui con voi, mi stupivo che vi foste fatto slacciare i pantaloni in camera. In verità, io pensavo che la vostra seggetta fosse lì nella stanza dietro una tenda o dietro la sponda del letto. Perché mi pareva del tutto incongruo slacciarsi la braghe in camera per andare alla latrina così lontano. Non è forse un pensiero balordo? Ben altro mistero c'era sotto, perdio! Così facendo voi fate bene: tanto bene che meglio non sapreste. E vi dico: fatevi sempre slacciare le braghe al momento giusto, di lontano e per tempo; ché se non foste slacciato entrando qui e vedendo quello stemma, notate bene, il fondo delle vostre braghe, perdio, vi farebbe ufficio di vaso da notte, pitale, cantero fecale e seggetta».
Fra Giovanni, tappandosi il naso con la mano sinistra, con l'indice della destra mostrava a Pantagruele la camicia di Panurgo. Pantagruele, vedendolo così sconvolto, smarrito, tremante e come fuor di sé, tutto smerdato e sgraffiato dalle unghie del celebre gatto Rodilardo, non seppe tenersi dal ridere e gli disse:
«Cosa volete farne di quel gatto?»
«Questo gatto?» disse Panurgo. «Il diavolo mi porti se non credevo che fosse un piccolo satanasso di primo pelo e che l'avessi preso poco fa dentro alla grande madia d'inferno. L'ho acciuffato di soppiatto, gatton gattone, facendomi guanto del fondo delle mutande. Vada al diavolo il diavolo! Mi ha tutta frastagliata la pelle a barba di gambero»267. E così dicendo scaraventò il gatto sul ponte.
«Andate, per Dio» disse Pantagruele, «andate a farvi un bagno caldo, a pulirvi, a cambiarvi di camicia, e rivestitevi».
«Dite che ho avuto paura?» replicò Panurgo. «Virtù di Dio, nemmeno l'ombra! Ho più coraggio che se avessi ingoiato tante mosche268 quante se ne impastano dentro il pane a Parigi dalla festa di San Giovanni a quella d'Ognissanti. Ah, ah, ah! Ohe! Che diavolo è questo? Voi magari la chiamate diarrea, merda, cacca, sterco, fimo, deiezione, materia fecale, escremento, zaccaro, buina, fatta, stronzo, scybalo, spyrazio269. Per me è zafferano d'Ibernia. Oh sì, eh già: zafferano d'Ibernia! Non c'è dubbio! Beviamo!»
Fine del Quarto Libro dei fatti
e detti eroici del buon
Pantagruele
NOTE
26 Bottiglia, in ebraico, così chiamata dal suono che fa quando si vuota. (Così nel glossario che si trova in appendice ad alcune edizioni del 1552 di questo Libro IV sotto il titolo di Breve Dichiarazione).
27 Nel testo, sperme d'émeraulde, in luogo di presme d'émeraulde, come leggevasi in un trattato dell'epoca, a indicare una sorta di smeraldo bastardo. Difficile capire se si tratti di un errore o di un ennesimo gioco di parole.
28 A chi trovasse troppo arbitraria questa intrusione di una nota di folclore che non appare nel testo – dove è detto semplicemente «leur beuvettes souvent reiterées» – faccio notare che essa è posta qui a titolo di recupero, direi quasi di indennizzo, per altra nota di folclore che appare poco più sopra e non rilevabile, perché implicita, dal lettore di oggi. Infatti i salmi di cui è detto all'inizio del capoverso venivano cantati a quel tempo su arie popolari e comunque in voga. Valga, questa giustificazione, anche per altri luoghi di questa traduzione e per altre licenze del genere, specie in fatto di giochi di parole, doppi sensi ecc.
29 Dal greco: Nessun luogo.
30 Il Canada, che l'esploratore Cartier aveva scoperto di recente, era ancora a quel tempo poco conosciuto e si poteva anche credere che fosse un'isola.
31 Colui che avendo perduto in un processo interpone appello. Il dire di persona inquieta e smarrita che aveva una faccia da appellante era a quel tempo espressione corrente.
32 Re Francesco I.
33 Cioè con foglie d'albero. L'espressione è rimasta proverbiale.
34 Animale descritto da Plinio, VIII, 34, e da Eliano, Hist. anim., II, 16.
35 Così era chiamato allora il tacchino, sconosciuto in Europa prima della scoperta dell'America.
36 Meung-sur-Loire, vicino a Orléans e a Saint-Ayl. Vi si trovavano molti mulini e quindi molti asini per il trasporto della farina. Ma c'era a Meung anche un convento di Cordiglieri chiamati i frati grigi. E non è da escludere che Rabelais alluda precisamente a costoro.
37 Cui si attribuivano virtù afrodisiache.
38 Nel testo: «on posterieur ventricule de mon cerveau». Il ventricolo posteriore del cervello era ritenuto a quel tempo sede della memoria.
39 Sinonimo di occhiali.
40 Allusione al teatro delle marionette.
41 Cioè, quando si va in bella vita e non più avvolti nel mantello. Credo che si debba intendere così.
42 Si chiamavano così anche certe monete d'oro con impressavi la figura dell'Agnus Dei (v. Prologo di questo Libro IV).
43 Nel testo: «Robin mouton». Robin è personaggio proverbiale. Sta per uomo da nulla e fanfarone.
44 Dottore o addottorando.
45 Qui il mercante fa sfoggio di latino a casaccio.
46 Modo di parlare volgare in uso a Parigi e in tutta la Francia, tra le persone semplici, che stimano aver avuto particolare benedizione tutti i luoghi nei quali Nostro Signore si fosse liberato dell'orina o di altro escremento naturale. Così nel glossario rabelaisiano sopra citato: Libro IV, cap I, nota 26.
47 Si chiamava veu de Charrous una reliquia della circoncisione conservata nell'Abbazia di Charroux (Vienne) presso Civray.
48 Espressione proverbiale improntata al costume cavalleresco.
49 Frate minore e predicatore assai popolare per la crudezza dei suoi sermoni, vissuto sotto Luigi XI, Carlo VIII e Luigi XII.
50 Altro francescano e predicatore assai popolare, morto nel 1494.
51 Con questa domanda retorica che riecheggia in qualche modo il celebre verso di Villon («Mais où sont les neiges d'antan?») Panurgo vuol sottolineare con enfasi beffarda che le pecore son morte come quelle di Thibault l'Aignelet, il pastore della farsa di Pathelin.
52 In questa battaglia, dove gli imperiali furono sconfitti (aprile 1544) i mercenari svizzeri, reclutati a Gruyers, paese famoso per la produzione dell'omonimo formaggio (groviera), alzarono i tacchi al primo scontro.
53 Allusione alla lettera di San Paolo agli Ebrei, X, 30: «Poiché noi sappiamo chi è colui che ha detto: a me appartiene la vendetta».
54 Oggi, Fossa di Formello.
55 V. Libro I, cap. VIII, nota 17.
56 Fra Giovanni si ricorda qui di essere benedettino.
57 È l'inizio del Salmo XVIII.
58 Probabilmente, Rabelais racconta per bocca di Epistemone un fatto accaduto a lui in viaggio per l'Italia nel 1536.
59 Così i latini, e di conseguenza certi umanisti, chiamavano genericamente le fiere che venivano dall'Africa.
60 Nel testo: passasmes procuration; come dire, con evidente doppio senso, ci nominammo un procuratore, con tutte le sciagure che ne conseguono.
61 Traduce liberamente Chiquanous.
62 Definizione ante Litteram del masochismo, ben noto agli antichi, da Galeno e Pico della Mirandola a Celio Rodigino e altri ancora.
63 Santo famoso per la severità con cui usava flagellarsi, e quindi invocato a proposito.
64 Basché è un paese dell'Angiò ai confini del Poitou, ma del relativo signore non si sa nulla.
65 Usanza effettivamente praticata a quel tempo in Francia, specie nel Poitou.
66 «Ecco qui un figlio della patria e della nazione degli sciocchi che suole portare tozzi di pane nella vecchia bisaccia».
67 'Rafhe' o 'rafle' è il nome del gioco indicato nel testo e non si sa di che gioco propriamente si tratti. Probabilmente un gioco chiassoso e violento com'è appunto lo schiaffo del soldato.
68 Questi santi O O sono le antifone che cominciano tutte per O e che si cantavano (o si cantano ancora?) per la novena di Natale: O Sapientia, O Adonai, O Radix ecc.
69 Jean Chastaigner, ciambellano di Francesco I, che zoppicava a causa di un colpo di moschetto ricevuto a Pavia e che gli aveva spezzato una gamba.
70 Nel dialogo di Luciano I Lapiti, una discussione fra filosofi degenera in battaglia, donde il titolo che evoca il mitico scontro fra Lapiti e Giganti.
71 Dimitte nobis debita nostra ecc.
72 Raccontano Aulo Gellio, Cicerone e altri che tutti coloro i quali, sotto Q. Cepione, avevano fatto bottino d'oro alla presa di Tolosa, erano stati colpiti da mala sorte. Così il cavallo di Seio aveva portato iettatura a quanti lo possedettero dopo di lui.
73 Questi giudici feudali rendevano spesso giustizia all'aperto, sotto l'olmo della piazza o del sagrato.
74 In italiano nel testo.
75 Castello proverbiale in Francia, come luogo, si diceva, infestato da diavoli e fantasmi.
76 «Ferri della messa» chiamano i campagnoli del Poitou, con metafora piuttosto greve, quelli che noi diciamo paramenti, e «manico della parrocchia» il campanile. Così nel glossario sopra citato: Libro IV, cap. I, nota 26.
77 Ebraico: deserta, non coltivata.
78 Niente da fare. Ma Rabelais prende scherzosamente alla lettera le metafore.
79 Svetonio accenna a questo fatto, ma, a differenza di Rabelais che rincara la dose, dice soltanto che l'infortunato rischiò di morire, e che Claudio, il quale dava sovente sontuosi banchetti ed era sollecito della salute dei suoi convitati, emanò successivamente un editto per coonestare le scoregge a tavola: «Flatum crepitumque in convivio emittendi».
80 «Hospes, disse novum mortis genus: improba felis – Dum trahitur, digitum mordet et intereo». Questo l'epitaffio.
81 Autore immaginario.
82 Enig ed Evig, parole tedesche, senza e con: allusione a una variante introdotta nel trattato fra il Langravio di Essen e Carlo V (1547), dove in luogo della frase senza alcuna detenzione della sua persona, fu scritto: senza determinazione perpetua (cioè con detenzione) della sua persona.
83 È uno dei giochi di Gargantua (cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XXII), che consiste nel camminare con le mani, a testa in giù e le gambe in aria, divaricate.
84 «Entre Quande et Montsorreau, Et n'y paistra vache ne veau». L'antico proverbio allude al fatto che i due piccoli villaggi della Turenna si toccano. Ne segue che fra i due non c'è spazio per la chiesetta di Panurgo, il quale, mentre invoca l'aiuto di Dio, non rinuncia a far mostra di cinismo e di goliardica empietà.
85 In provenzale, arrosto di capretto; cui Panurgo, con uno dei soliti ingegnosi bisticci, attribuisce gli stessi poteri degli dèi Cabiri.
86 Cioè la sua borraccia in forma di breviario. Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XLI.
87 Cioè la sua borraccia in forma di breviario (cfr. nota precedente).
88 «Un'orrenda tempesta ha turbato Monteacuto». È il primo verso di una poesia composta dagli scolari di quel «collegio di pidocchieria» di cui si parla in Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XXXVII.
89 È il ritornello di un vecchio canto natalizio del Poitou: Au grand saint Nau Chanteray sans poiut my feindre; Je n'en daignerois rien craindre, Car le jour est feriau ecc.
90 Canto per esortare e incoraggiare i marinai.
91 Castore e Polluce chiamavano gli antichi i fuochi di Sant'Elmo, ch'eran di buon augurio per i marinai; e chiamavano Elena altre fiammelle foriere di tempesta.
92 Soprannome di Castore che significa: il bastardo guida lucente dei marinai.
93 Dal greco: colui che non dà aiuto. È il nome di un troiano ricordato da Omero (Iliade, 1, III) e da Virgilio.
94 Secondo una leggenda, il diavolo seguiva San Martino in veste di staffiere per contrastare le opere buone del santo.
95 San Paolo.
96 In italiano nel testo.
97 Signore di Langey, viceré del Piemonte, fratello del cardinale Giovanni Guerriero, uomo politico e letterato, stimatissimo da Francesco I. Rabelais, che fu con lui qualche tempo a Torino e lo assistette alla morte, ne parla sempre con affetto e grande ammirazione. Dopo la sua morte il regno di Francia attraversò realmente tempi difficili, ad opera di Carlo V ed Enrico VIII coalizzati contro Francesco I.
98 Sono le iniziali delle parole greche corrispondenti.
99 Addetto, come tutti quelli che seguono, alla corte di Guglielmo du Bellay a Torino e come essi ricordato nel testamento.
100 Massuau fu autore della traduzione francese degli Stratagemmi di guerra del signore di Langey, il cui originale in lingua latina è andato perduto.
101 Libro II.
102 Virgilio, egloga II: Pan curat oves, oviumque magistros.
103 In quaresima si consumava gran quantità di mostarda.
104 Allusione al giorno delle Ceneri.
105 Il portale della chiesa di Cande è ornato di due guglie di pietra.
106 Forse un'allusione alle lotte fra protestanti e cattolici.
107 Tracolla.
108 La trachea.
109 Non esistevano propriamente olle o vasi da piuma, ma venivano così chiamati i grandi vasi lesi o screpolati dove si custodiva la piuma con la quale si facevano cuscini o materassi.
110 Parola araba che indica le parti esterne del ventre.
111 Altra parola araba che indica le parti esterne dello stomaco.
112 Probabile allusione al fatto che le indulgenze si lucravano in luoghi diversi, donde la necessità di chiedere spesso dove e per dove si dovesse andare.
113 Erba medica.
114 Guanto o manicotto.
115 Spinetta i cui tasti sono collegati con le canne di un organo.
116 Anello che serve come sigillo dei brevi pontifici, atti concistoriali ecc. e che reca l'immagine, incisa in cristallo di rocca, di San Pietro sulla navicella in atto di stendere le reti.
117 «Cavare gli occhi alle cornacchie»: trascrizione di un adagio di Erasmo. Si ritiene che le cornacchie abbiano vista acutissima. Pertanto il proverbio significherebbe rendere cieco chi vede più lontano di noi, cioè il rifiuto della critica da parte dei dogmatici.
118 L'apologo che segue non era antico. Rabelais l'ha ripreso dall'umanista ferrarese Celio Calcagnino, le cui opere furono pubblicate a Basilea nel 1544.
119 Divinità romana che impersonava la forza generatrice della terra.
120 Calvino, nel suo trattato De Scandalis (Ginevra, 1550) aveva accusato Rabelais di «sacrilega audacia».
121 Anche Gabriel de Puy-Herbault, in latino Putherbus, aveva attaccato Rabelais.
122 Termine greco usato da Plinio per balena. Letteralmente: soffiatore.
123 La nave ammiraglia.
124 Erodoto III, 67-80.
125 Chiude questa descrizione una frase oscura che, tradotta alla lettera, suonerebbe all'incirca, così: «come se fossero state le redance e i portasartie della carena».
126 L'anduglia è propriamente una specie di salsiccia ripiena di pezzetti di carne e intestini tagliuzzati.
127 Quella che aveva per insegna una lanterna.
128 Visto che il grasso di fisitere, cioè di capodoglio, si vendeva già a quel tempo molto vantaggiosamente.
129 Tutti i chiosatori ravvisano qui una probabile allusione al Concilio di Trento, dove furono confermate le astinenze quaresimali, che i protestanti ed anche certi cattolici volevano abolite. Ma tutto il discorso, qui, non è, mi sembra, che una trasparente satirica allegoria delle dispute e delle guerre di religione.
130 La rivolta dei Maillotins, che si impadronirono dei maillets forzando il palazzo di città, esplose nel 1413, a causa – ritengono alcuni storici – di un'imposta sui fastelli di crescione.
131 Che aveva per insegna una brenta.
132 Che aveva per insegna una corba d'oro; v. supra, Libro IV, cap. I.
133 Svetonio, Divus Augustus, XCVI, 5.
134 Consigliere al parlamento di Bordeaux dal 1527 al 1544, e grande amico delle buone lettere, Rabelais ne parla con simpatia in Pantagruele, Libro II, cap. X.
135 Simulacro del fallo in erezione, simbolo di fecondità nell'antica Grecia, veniva portato in processione nelle Falloforie.
136 Nel testo sono gli Svizzeri a fare le spese del bisticcio, grazie all'assonanza fra Souisses e Saulcisses.
137 «Himantopodes loripedes quidam, quibus serpendo ingredi natura est» (Plinio, Hist. nat., V, 8).
138 Santo le cui reliquie erano venerate nel basso Poitou.
139 Danza bretone vivacissima, accompagnata dal canto.
140 Genesi, XXXIX, 1, dove Putifarre è chiamato princeps exercitus.
141 I Re, IV, 25, 8.
142 Cioè quella che aveva per insegna una ciotola; v. supra, Libro IV, cap.I.
143 Fu chiamata truye un'immensa testuggine capace di proteggere da sola cento uomini d'arme. Il fatto avvenne sotto Carlo V, non Carlo VI.
144 Che non mangiavano carne di porco.
145 Vescovo di Lisieux, poi Cardinale dal 1535. Faceva allevare pernici per averne sempre a disposizione.
146 «Rompere l'anduglia al ginocchio» era un detto popolare che significava tentare cose impossibili.
147 Per questo richiamo storico, v. Pantagruele, Libro II, cap. I.
148 Marmo nero che Lucullo aveva fatto venire dall'Egitto (Plinio, XXXVI , 6).
149 Un ponte a Tolosa portava il nome di questa favolosa regina dai piedi d'oca.
150 Proverbio greco che, in latino, aveva assunto la forma di Sus Minervam, dove le parole «che insegna» erano sottintese. La fonte di Rabelais è, ancora una volta, negli Adagi di Erasmo.
151 Membro virile, in lingua ebraica.
152 «Strada lastricata di Anduglie». Esisteva effettivamente a Parigi una strada di questo nome.
153 Il Perche, antica provincia di Francia, fra l'Orne e la Loire, famosa per la fabbricazione dei coltelli. Il dono è del genere di quelli che gli esploratori del tempo facevano ai selvaggi.
154 Il vaso con il quale il Salvatore avrebbe bevuto nell'Ultima Cena.
155 In ebraico: isola del vento.
156 Anemone, in greco, significa vento, ed è così chiamato, secondo Plinio, perché il suo fiore si apre al soffio del vento.
157 Erbe che assorbono o liberano le ventosità del corpo.
158 Dal latino Circius: vento di ovest-nord-ovest.
159 Edipo, in greco, significa Piede gonfio. Secondo la leggenda, Edipo, per essere stato da bambino appeso ad un albero con i piedi trafitti da un bastone, ebbe le gambe gonfie per tutta la vita.
160 Il modo con cui il soffio vitale esce dal corpo al momento della morte era questione assai dibattuta dagli antichi.
161 Era opinione volgare che i pivieri si nutrissero di vento.
162 Ventoso. Così erano chiamate dai Greci le uova non gallate.
163 Piccolo borgo presso Chinon. Forse Rabelais rievoca qui una qualche storiella paesana.
164 Nel testo, «mezarimus», parola sconosciuta che sta probabilmente per medici.
165 V. supra, cap. XVII.
166 Nome ebraico che significa: fico al culo.
167 Grande piazza o prato davanti al palazzo di giustizia nelle città lombarde.
168 In italiano nel testo.
169 È noto che i lavori per la basilica di San Pietro, iniziati nel 1506 durarono più di un secolo.
170 Come un celebrante scortato dai chierichetti.
171 Nome col quale Rabelais vuole indicare i monaci.
172 Quest'ultima frase traduce liberamente un doppio senso osceno non restituibile fedelmente in italiano.
173 Il diavolo intende dire che il cattolicesimo, buon fornitore d'anime dannate, era stato bandito dai paesi del nord.
174 Ancora una tirata contro i monaci, la loro ipocrisia e la loro vita dissoluta all'ombra del chiostro.
175 Le Lettere Decretali erano le costituzioni pontificie di carattere generale che erano redatte in forma di lettera e contenevano spesso norme giuridiche aventi forza obbligatoria per tutti i fedeli, salvo che si trattasse di leggi particolari o speciali in quanto indirizzate a particolari regioni o persone. Le Decretali Extravangantes, di cui è cenno più avanti in questo capitolo, erano così chiamate in quanto non comprese nel corpus principale.
176 Rabelais, nei suoi viaggi a Roma aveva visto successivamente Clemente VII, Paolo III e Giulio III.
177 «In un codice della Storia Universale del monaco irlandese Mariano Scoto, scritta a Magonza nel 1083» (trascrivo qui integralmente una nota di Janunculus al cap. 12, lib. III, della sua già citata traduzione) «e in un altro della Storia del vescovo Martino Stizebski di Troppau, o Martino Polono (1277), fu trovata la notizia che una donna di una intelligenza straordinaria, fintasi uomo, era riuscita a farsi eleggere papa, tra Leone IV, morto nell'anno 855, e Benedetto III, morto nell'858, assumendo il nome di Giovanni VIII, e, ingravidata dal suo drudo, era morta in una processione, in conseguenza di un parto repentino. Questa leggenda della papessa Giovanna venne generalmente creduta nel Medio Evo da monaci, da storici e da vescovi e financo da papi, ed ottenne fede sì ferma ed universale che, intorno all'anno 1400, non si ebbe riserbo di dar posto al busto della papessa Giovanna nella serie delle immagini dei papi onde si ornarono le pareti della bella cattedrale di Siena, e vi restò, per il corso di dugento anni fino a che il cardinale Baronio indusse Clemente VIII a farlo rimuovere. E fu creduto altresì che, per evitare la ripetizione di un fatto simile, Benedetto III avesse statuito che nella nomina dei pontefici, il nuovo eletto, prima di prender possesso, dovea sedere sopra una sedia forata – detta sedia stercoraria – e l'ultimo cardinale diacono dovea accertarsi del sesso e proclamarne il risultato con le parole: habemus virum pontificem, abbiamo un pontefice maschio. Invece quella sedia, che era di marmo bianco, e non forata, chiamavasi stercoraria perché, allo scopo di raccomandare al pontefice la umiltà, ricordandogli la sua esaltazione da un misero stato, i cantori, mentre egli stava assiso su quella sedia, intonavano il versetto 7 del salmo CXII: de stercore erigit pauperem: egli innalza il povero dallo sterco. Tale funzione fu soppressa da papa Leone X; ma la favola della papessa Giovanna seguitò a suscitare polemiche, specialmente fra i protestanti ed i cattolici; e gli scritti pro e contro son durati fino ai tempi nostri, con l'Esame critico degli atti e documenti del Bianchi Giovini (Milano, 1845), e con lo studio concludente del Döllinger: La papessa Giovanna, nelle Fole pontificie del medio evo (Monaco, 1863)».
Quanto fosse ancor viva, in tempi relativamente recenti, questa leggenda, lo dimostra il sonetto del Belli sull'argomento (1831), intitolato appunto La Papessa Giuvanna: «Fu proprio donna. Buttò via 'r zinale / Prima de tutto e ss'ingaggiò ssordato; / Doppo se fece prete, poi prelato, / E ppoi vescovo, e arfine cardinale. E quanno er Papa maschio stiede male, / E morze, c'è chi dice, avvelenato, / Fu ffatto Papa lei, e straportato a Ssan Giuvanni su in zedia papale. / Ma qua sse sciorze er nodo a la commedia; / Ché ssanbruto je presero le doje, / E sficò un pupo lì ssopra la ssedia. / D'allora st'antra ssedia ce fu messa / Pe ttastà ssotto ar zito de le voje / Si er pontefice sii Papa o Ppapessa».
178 Oggi diremmo: ceti o classi sociali.
179 Nome probabilmente italiano e probabilmente riferibile a un qualche episodio del soggiorno a Roma di Rabelais, regnando Clemente VII.
180 Discese da cielo.
181 I tonsurati, chierici o laici, si pretendevano soggetti esclusivamente alla giurisdizione ecclesiastica. Al giudice civile che ardisse giudicare un tonsurato le Decretali comminavano la scomunica. Inutile dire che i tonsurati si valevano di questo privilegio per commettere ogni sorta di ribalderie.
182 «Conosci te stesso».
183 «Tu sei». Per la spiegazione di questo famoso EI, v. il trattato di Plutarco.
184 Disceso da Giove.
185 Nel testo: cons fesser, dove il doppio senso è assai più greve ed evidente. Questo gioco di parole, tuttavia, non è invenzione di Rabelais e si trova già nel Vergier d'honneur di Saint-Gelais.
186 Messa senza comunione.
187 Si allude qui alla pia usanza dell'offerta del pane e del vino nei riti funebri e, insieme, a un antico detto popolare applicato a coloro che ascoltavano messa dopo colazione: Il va à la messe des morts, il y porte pain et vin.
188 In segno di umiltà.
189 Il Dedalo del mito fu ritenuto dagli antichi artefice sommo: lui per primo avrebbe dato movimento alle statue.
190 In gergo: una gamba abbastanza putrida e deforme da muovere a pietà.
191 Allusione alle guerre di Giulio II.
192 V. Libro III, capp. XXI e XXII.
193 Guillaume Arthus o Guillot aveva il suo locale al n. 8 dell'attuale rue des Chaudronniers, allora rue du Beffroi: ritrovo insigne per la squisitezza dei cibi e per l'onore che gli hanno reso, menzionandolo, scrittori illustri, fra cui Montaigne.
194 Forse, debordante. Ma, più probabilmente, con allusione alle Decretali, come suggerisce il contesto. O forse per rimarcare che tutto il ben di Dio di quella tavolata, a cominciare dal vino, proveniva da diritti feudali sanciti dalle Decretali.
195 Il sesto Libro delle Decretali.
196 «Nec toto decies cacas in anno, / Atque id durius est faba et lapillis, / Quod tu si manibus teras fricesque, / Non unquam digitum inquinare possis». Catullo, Carmina, XXIII, Ad Furium.
197 Dulia: culto riservato ai santi e agli angeli, in quanto servi di Dio.
198 Vescovo di Palermo e celebre chiosatore delle Clementine.
199 Città famosa per le sue pergamene.
200 Agoghe, senoghe e senagoghe, dal greco: medicine depurative e purgative.
201 Nel testo: Herbault (Herbout), che nel Roman de la Rose personifica la carestia. Ma Herbault è anche il nome di un dottore della facoltà di Parigi (Gabriel de Puy-Herbault), acerrimo nemico di Rabelais e autore di un violento pamphlet contro di lui; v. supra nota 121 al cap. XXXII, a proposito dei «Puterbesi arrabbiati».
202 Sostituisce un'espressione proverbiale di senso analogo, ma mal restituibile in italiano.
203 Nulla si sa di questo processo.
204 Erbe e fiori utilizzabili per fare maschere.
205 Epigramma popolare ben noto prima di Rabelais e citato in numerose satire antipapali.
206 Decretista era il cultore di diritto civile, Decretalista il cultore di diritto canonico.
207 Fifat e pipat sono lo stesso che vivat e bibat, ma pronunziate alla tedesca.
208 Specie di terra rossa usata in pittura e in medicina, che gli speziali chiamavano Terra sigillata, perché si vendeva contrassegnata da uno speciale sigillo.
209 Così pare fossero chiamati i teologi i cui trattati brillavano per particolare chiarezza. Cristallino si chiamava anche il nono cielo del sistema tolemaico.
210 Probabile allusione al triregno.
211 Moneta immaginaria. Nel testo: escuz au sabot, qui liberamente tradotto.
212 Moneta su cui era incisa la Salutazione angelica, scena di buon augurio.
213 Il quale, secondo quanto si legge in Dione Cassio, amava circondarsi di guardie e di spioni.
214 Protagonista di una celebre farsa del Quattrocento; v. Libro II, cap. XXXI.
215 Proprietà dei Rabelais nei pressi di Chinon.
216 A costo cioè di rinunciare al responso della divina Bottiglia.
217 Da Plutarco, Sulla Fine degli Oracoli, XXII.
218 In senso ippocratico, cioè come defluenza degli umori della testa.
219 «Ecco, io metterò un vello di lana sull'aia: se c'è della rugiada sul vello soltanto e tutto il terreno resta asciutto, io conoscerò che tu salverai Israele per mia mano come hai detto». Giudici, 6, 36.
220 Secondo Plutarco, De profectibus in virtute. Il tema delle parole gelate, tratto da Plutarco, era già stato ripreso dal Castiglione nel suo Cortegiano e aveva suggerito due apologhi al ferrarese Celio Calcagnini.
221 Per designare i colori delle parole gelate, Rabelais adibisce alcuni termini araldici: di gola vuol dire rosso; di sinopia vuol dire verde; di sabbia vuol dire nero. Le parole dorate alludono invece ai Distici morali di Catone, molto in voga nel Medioevo.
222 Verba dat omnis amans (Ovidio).
223 Narra Aulo Gellio (lib. XI, cap. IX) che avendo alcuni incaricati di Mileto chiesto soccorso ad Atene, Demostene, essendo contrario, intendeva fare appello al popolo con un discorso. I Milesi avendolo scongiurato di tacere, egli acconsentì previo compenso. L'indomani si presentò all'assemblea il collo avviluppato di lana e disse di non poter parlare a causa di un'angina. Non di angina si tratta, commentò un maligno, ma di argentangina.
224 Non è Cicerone, ma Eraclito che la pensava così.
225 «Chi suggerì al psittaco il suo 'salve' / e insegnò alla pica a tentare nostre parole? / Maestro d'arte e datore d'ingegno il ventre, artefice nell'imitare le voci innaturali». Persio, Choliambi, vv. 7-11, traduzione di Saverio Vollaro.
226 1431. Ebbe svolgimento lungo e travagliato essendo in discussione la supremazia stessa del papato rispetto al concilio. Nella contesa, che coinvolgeva i maggiori potentati del tempo, si giunse fino alla deposizione del pontefice e alla elezione di un antipapa (Felice V).
227 Ventriloqui e adoratori del ventre.
228 Indovino famoso in Atene, messo in scena da Aristofane. Lo chiamavano l'Engastrimita perché si credeva avesse nel ventre un demonio che gli rivelava il futuro.
229 Ricciutello.
230 Non Esiodo, ma Omero.
231 Nel testo, molto più brevemente: «Gastrolâtres coquillons», con un gioco di parole che allude probabilmente ai dottori della Sorbona o ai monaci, o agli uni e agli altri insieme.
232 Plauto, Rudens, II, VI, 67; Giovenale, Sat., III, 174; Pomponio Festo, lib. XI.
233 In latino, Manducus, specie di orco che si diceva mangiasse i bambini.
234 Canti d'ubriachi.
235 Canti in onore di Bacco.
236 Cioè sotterrando un gallo bianco dopo averlo portato in giro attorno alle proprie vigne. Così Leoniceno, Storie diverse, I, 67. Le fonti di tutte queste favolose invenzioni di Gaster si trovano nel citato autore nonché in Pausania (Arcadiche) e in Celio Rodigino (XIII, 17).
237 Francesco I.
238 Popoli dell'India amati dagli dèi e che gli dèi aiutavano in battaglia a colpi di fulmine.
239 Tre volte malvagie.
240 Si ignora a chi alluda Rabelais con questo nome.
241 Tutto ciò è attinto da Plinio, XXXVI, 16.
242 Questo esempio e quelli che seguono sulle proprietà meravigliose di certe erbe sono mutuati da Plinio, da Eliano, da Plutarco e da altri autori antichi che hanno scritto di scienze naturali. E il modo di riproporli mostra chiaro qual conto ne facesse Rabelais in un tempo nel quale queste favole non avevano ancora perduto il loro credito.
243 Dall'ebraico: isola dell'Ipocrisia.
244 Canapa, v. Libro III, cap. XLIX.
245 Espressione gergale, sta per: «sondarne gli umori».
246 Nel testo, haulser les temps, espressione proverbiale da intendersi anche nel senso di stare allegri, alzare il bicchiere.
247 Livio, I, 54.
248 V. supra, cap. XVIII.
249 Dai Colloquia di Erasmo: «Le brave persone dicono che crescendo, i fanciulli angelici si trasformano in diavoli», sentenza che, passata in proverbio, suonava propriamente così: De jeune angelot, vieil diable.
250 Moneta di fantasia, suggerita forse a Rabelais dal nome degli scudi del sole.
251 Ovvero: Le donne a parlamento.
252 La fonte di questi aneddoti sull'ora dei pasti è ancora una volta Erasmo.
253 «Noi siamo lavoratori. I lavoratori mangiano quando possono, non quando vogliono». Così mi rispose anni fa, in tono risentito e lapidario, il segretario (ottantenne) della sezione comunista di un paesino del Vulture, al quale mi ero rivolto per un'informazione, scusandomi di averlo disturbato all'ora di pranzo.
254 Filosofo e matematico, non re, ma che per lungo tempo la fece da re, regolando la vita dei suoi seguaci sul corso delle stelle.
255 Questa lista di rettili – ci informano i chiosatori – è tratta dalla versione latina del Canone di Avicenna, di cui era apparsa un'edizione nel 1527. Naturalmente non ho verificato di persona, ma sembra evidente che Rabelais ci abbia aggiunto del suo, visto che fra i rettili si trovano annoverati animali di tutt'altra specie. Alcuni spostamenti nell'ordine dei nomi son dovuti al rispetto dell'ordine alfabetico dell'originale.
256 Esopo, viaggiando con il suo padrone, aveva scelto come fardello il pesantissimo paniere delle vettovaglie, ben sapendo che si sarebbe alleggerito ogni giorno.
257 Erasmo, Colloquia.
258 Era una specie di colonia penale.
259 Dov'erano le prigioni.
260 Sorta di veste lunga a mo' di cappa o di sottana.
261 Nome inventato dal poeta italiano Calenzio, autore di una guerra delle rane e dei topi, ripreso qui da Rabelais e in seguito da La Fontaine.
262 L'isola di Inch Keith o dei Cavalli: allusione a un reale fatto d'armi.
263 In italiano nel testo, come le altre battute del senese.
264 «Dato in Chambery»: formula rituale per datare gli atti ufficiali.
265 Animali ricordati da Plinio (VIII, 15), grossi come tori, ma più massicci, dei quali si diceva che, inseguiti dai cani, lanciassero loro addosso, a quattro passi e più di distanza, i loro escrementi, così bollenti da bruciar loro il pelo.
266 Qui, in libera (e certamente inadeguata) traduzione, una celebre quartina di François Villon; la quale, peraltro, è riportata da Rabelais in una redazione ben diversa da quella ritenuta autentica. A risarcire e il poeta e il lettore del duplice 'infortunio', trascrivo qui la famosa quartina, scritta da Villon a proposito della sentenza che lo condannava all'impiccagione, nel testo originale:
Je suis Francoys, dont il me poise,
né de Paris emprès Pontoise,
et de la corde d'une toise,
sçura mon col que mon cul poise.
Quanto alla variante rabelaisiana ai due primi versi (Ne suys-je badault de Paris / De Paris, dis-je, auprès Pontoise?) potrebbe trattarsi, penso, di una delle tante ribalderie del nostro in fatto di citazioni.
267 Le frastagliature a barba di gambero nei calzari e negli abiti erano molto di moda.
268 La mosca era considerata animale impavido e voleva un proverbio che il mangiar mosche conferisse coraggio.
269 Scybalo e Spyrazio, coniati dal greco e significanti rispettivamente: stronzo secco e pillacchera caprigna.
IL QUINTO ED ULTIMO LIBRO
DEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI DEL BUON PANTAGRUELE
Composto da Mastro Francesco Rabelais
dottore in medicina
PROLOGO DELL'AUTORE
(frammento1)
Bevitori infaticabili – e anche voi, impestati preziosissimi –, statemi a sentire. Visto che siete in vacanza e che io non ho niente di meglio da fare, mi appello a voi e vi chiedo: perché mai, oggi, proverbialmente e comunemente si dice che le monde n'est plus fat?
Fat è un vocabolo di Linguadoca che significa non salato, ovverossia senza sale, insipido, insapore; con la stessa parola si suol significare anche folle, sciocco, privo di senno, di intendimento, di cervello. Volete voi dirmi come, per contro, si possa logicamente inferire che il mondo, balordo fino ad oggi, sia diventato savio proprio adesso? Per quante e quali condizioni era balordo? Quante e quali condizioni si richiedevano a farlo saggio? Perché era balordo? Perché sarebbe saggio? In che ravvisereste voi tuttavia la follia antica e in che la saggezza presente? Chi l'ha reso folle? Chi lo ha fatto saggio? Chi sono i più: quelli che lo volevano folle o quelli che lo volevano saggio? Donde procedeva la trascorsa follia? Donde sarebbe nata la saggezza di poi? Perché di questi tempi e non più tardi ha preso fine l'antica demenza? Perché di questi tempi e non prima ebbe inizio la presente saggezza? Che male ne veniva dalla follia precedente? Qual bene ne viene dalla saggezza susseguente? Come sarebbe stata abolita l'antica follia? Come la saggezza presente instaurata?
Rispondete se vi accomoda, perché d'altro scongiuro non mi varrò davanti alle Vostre Reverenze, temendo di dar briga alle Vostre Paternità.
Non abbiate vergogna, confessatevi a Her der Tyflet2, nemico del Paradiso, nemico della verità. Coraggio, ragazzi! Se siete di Dio, bevete tre e cinque volte per la prima parte del sermone, poi rispondete alle mie domande. Se siete dell'Altro, avalisque Sathanas! Vade retro! Perché io vi giuro sull'onore del mio grande badanai che, se non mi aiutate altrimenti alla soluzione del suddetto problema, io già mi pento – e non è passato un minuto – di avervelo proposto. Sebbene io non ne sia così terribilmente angustiato come se tenessi un lupo per le orecchie3 senza speranza di soccorso.
Che dite? Capisco bene: non vi va di rispondere. Per la mia barba, nemmeno io lo farò: soltanto vi allegherò quanto ne aveva predetto con spirito profetico un venerabile dottore, autore del libro intitolato La Cornamusa dei prelati4. Cosa ne dice il gran puttaniere? Ascoltate, teste di cazzo d'asino, ascoltate!
L'anno del Giubileo che tutto il mondo
rader si fece a tondo,
è sopra i trenta soprannumerario.
Fu detto matto: oh scandaloso svario!
Ma dei lunghi brevetti la semenza
che più temette in fiore coglierà,
e più matto né ingordo non parrà,
se a sbaccellar la fava avrà pazienza.
Avete udito? Avete inteso? Il dottore è antico, le parole laconiche, le sentenze dunscotiche e oscure, senza contare che trattasi di materia per sé profonda e difficile. I migliori interpreti di quel buon padre spiegano il Giubileo dopo i trenta essere gli anni compresi fra...
1 Questo frammento rappresenta la parte ritenuta sicuramente autentica del Prologo apparso nella edizione postuma del 1564 (v. Nota al testo).
2 Messer diavolo, in tedesco.
3 Auribus lupum tenere. Per questo proverbio latino, cfr. Erasmo, Adagi, I, v. 25.
4 Opera immaginaria compresa nel catalogo della Biblioteca di San Vittore (v. Pantagruele, Libro II, cap. VII).
CAPITOLO I
Come Pantagruele arrivò nell'isola Sonante e del rumore che vi sentimmo
Quel giorno e i due che seguirono non apparve terra e non vi furono novità, perché tutti già altra volta avevano percorso quel tratto di mare. Il quarto giorno, cominciando a circumnavigare il polo e allontanandoci dall'equinoziale, avvistammo terra, e ci fu detto dal nostro pilota che era l'isola delle Triphes5. Sentivamo un suono che veniva di lontano, frequente e tumultuoso, e pareva all'ascolto che fossero campane – piccole, grosse e mezzane – che suonassero tutte assieme, come si fa a Parigi, a Jergueau, a Medou e altrove, nei giorni di festa grande.
Più ci avvicinavamo più forte sentivamo questa specie di scampanio; e ci chiedemmo se non fosse Dodona con i suoi calderoni, o il portico eptafono6 di Olimpia, oppure il diuturno rumore del colosso eretto sul cenotafio di Memnone in Tebe egizia, o i rumoreggiamenti che si udivano un tempo attorno al sepolcreto nell'isola di Lipari, una delle Eolie; salvo che ciò era contraddetto dalla cosmografia.
«Io dubito» disse Pantagruele, «che là abbia preso il volo uno sciame d'api e che tutto il vicinato, per richiamarlo, si sia messo a fare quel gran tananai di padelle, tegami, palette, casseruole e cembali coribantici di Cibele, la gran madre degli dèi. Ascoltiamo».
Avvicinandoci ancor più, udimmo, fra l'ininterrotto scampanio, voci di canto: un canto infaticabile, ci parve, degli abitanti del luogo. Per cui prima di approdare a quest'isola Sonante, Pantagruele fu dell'avviso che accostassimo con il nostro battello a un piccolo scoglio presso il quale si scorgeva un romitaggio con un po' di giardino intorno.
Là trovammo un piccolo brav'ometto di eremita chiamato Braghibus, nativo di Glatigny, il quale ci istruì ampiamente su tutta quella suoneria di battagli e ci festeggiò in modo strano: ci fece digiunare per quattro giorni di seguito, affermando che non diversa accoglienza avremmo potuto avere nell'isola Sonante, dato che c'era il digiuno dei Quattro Tempi7.
«Non capisco questo enigma» disse Panurgo, «sarebbe meglio chiamarlo Tempo dei Quattro Venti, perché digiunando non facciamo che imbottirci di vento. Ma come! Se qui non avete miglior passatempo del digiuno, mi sembra che sia un passatempo piuttosto magro. Noi faremmo ben volentieri a meno di tutte queste feste di palazzo».
«Nel mio Donato8» disse fra Giovanni, «non trovo che tre tempi: presente, preterito e futuro: il quarto dev'essere il beveraggio per la servitù». «È» disse Epistemone, «l'aoristo derivato dal preterito molto imperfetto dei Greci e dei Latini, usato come tempo variabile con cielo a pecorelle. Pazienza, dicono i lebbrosi».
«Come vi ho spiegato» disse l'eremita, «è digiuno fatale: chi contraddice è eretico e non gli serve altro che il rogo».
«Senza dubbio, Pater» disse Panurgo, «andando per mare ho più paura di prendere umidità o di finire affogato che di prendere un riscaldo e di finire abbrustolito. Non facciamo che bere, perdio! Ma io, in questi giorni ho digiunato mai tanto che i digiuni mi hanno scavato la polpa, e ho proprio paura che i bastioni della mia carcassa stiano per crollare. Inoltre ho paura, digiunando, di darvi dei dispiaceri, perché non me ne intendo e lo faccio di mala grazia. Già me l'hanno detto in molti e io per parte mia lo credo. Io mi curo ben poco di digiunare: non c'è cosa più facile e alla mano. Ben più mi preoccupo di non digiunare affatto, in avvenire, perché abbisogna pur sempre qualcosa da portare al mulino. Ma insomma, perdio, digiuniamo, visto che siamo entrati nelle ferie esuriali9. È un bel po' che non le osservo».
«Se digiunare bisogna» disse Pantagruele, «non c'è di meglio da fare che venirne fuori alla svelta come da una cattiva strada. Tanto più che ho voglia di ritrovarmi con le mie carte e vedere un po' se gli studi per mare sono altrettanto buoni che sopra la terra, perché ricordo che Platone, volendo descrivere un uomo sciocco, rozzo e ignorante, lo paragona a coloro che son cresciuti in mare sopra le navi, come noi diremmo di gente cresciuta dentro un barile e che mai non vide il mondo se non attraverso un buco».
I nostri digiuni furono terribili e spaventosi, perché il primo giorno digiunammo a tutto spiano, il secondo a spron battuto, il terzo a ventre a terra, il quarto a più non posso. Tale essendo il decreto delle Fate.
CAPITOLO II
Come l'isola Sonante era stata abitata dai Siticini, i quali erano
diventati uccelli
Terminati i nostri digiuni, l'eremita ci consegnò una lettera per un tale ch'egli chiamava Mastro Edito10 dell'isola Sonante. Ma Panurgo, salutandolo, lo chiamò Mastro Antito11.
Era un piccolo buon ometto vecchio, canuto, naso screziato, faccia cremisina, che ci fece una bella accoglienza grazie alle raccomandazioni dell'eremita, sentendo che avevamo digiunato come sopra è detto. Dopo averci rifocillati bene, ci mostrò le singolarità dell'isola, affermando ch'essa in origine era stata abitata dai Siticini12, ma che questi, per legge di natura, poiché tutto è mutevole, erano diventati uccelli.
Allora compresi pienamente ciò che Atteo Capitone, Polluce, Marcello, A. Gellio, Ateneo, Suida, Ammonio e altri avevano scritto dei Siticini e dei Sicinnisti, e non ci sembrarono più tanto incredibili le metamorfosi di Progne, Iti, Alcione, Alcmene, Antigone, Tereo e altri che furono tramutati in uccelli. E pochi dubbi anche ci rimasero sui figli di Matabruna convertiti in cigni e sugli uomini di Pallene, in Tracia, i quali, non appena si furono bagnati nove volte nella palude Tritonia si trasformarono in uccelli.
Dopo di che non ci parlò d'altro che di gabbie e di uccelli. Le gabbie erano grandi, ricche, sontuose e di splendida architettura; gli uccelli erano belli, grandi e ben tenuti, e vagamente rassomiglianti agli uomini della mia patria: bevevano, mangiavano come uomini, defecavano come uomini e come uomini dormivano e fottevano; insomma, a prima vista li avreste detti uomini; invece, secondo le spiegazioni di Mastro Edito, il quale ci assicurava che non erano secolari né laici, non erano uomini per niente. Anche il loro piumaggio ci lasciava perplessi. Alcuni l'avevano tutto bianco, altri tutto nero, altri tutto grigio, altri mezzo bianco e mezzo nero, altri tutto rosso, altri mezzo rosso e mezzo blu: era uno splendore a vederli.
I maschi li chiamavano Clercigalli, Monagalli, Pretegalli, Abagalli, Vescogalli, Cardingalli. C'era poi un esemplare, unico della sua specie, chiamato Papagallo. Le femmine le chiamavano Clercigalle, Monagalle, Pretegalle, Abagalle, Vescogalle, Cardingalle, Papagalle. Tuttavia, ci disse, come negli alveari imperversano i fuchi, i quali null'altro fanno che mangiare e devastare ogni cosa, così, da trecento anni in qua, ogni cinque lune, venivano a mescolarsi, non si sa come, a questi uccelli felici, stormi di Schiodacristi, i quali avevano sconciato e smerdato tutta l'isola: uccellacci tanto sozzi e mostruosi che erano sfuggiti da tutti, perché avevano il collo torto, le zampe pelose, artigli e ventre d'Arpie, culo da Stimfalidi13; e non era possibile sterminarli perché, per uno che ne moriva ne arrivavano ventiquattro. Io auguravo loro l'avvento di un qualche Ercole, perché fra Giovanni ci perdette il sentimento per eccesso di concentrazione contemplativa, e a Pantagruele capitò lo stesso che a messer Priapo contemplando i sacrifici di Cerere, per mancanza di pelle14.
CAPITOLO III
Perché nell'isola Sonante non c'è che un solo Papagallo
Allora chiedemmo a Mastro Edito come mai, vista la prolificità di quei venerabili uccelli in ogni loro specie, non ci fosse nell'isola che un solo Papagallo. Egli rispose che l'istituzione originaria e fatale decretata dalle stelle era tale che dai Clercigalli nascevano Pretegalli e Monagalli senza copulazione carnale, come nascono le api da un giovane torello acconciato secondo l'arte e la pratica di Aristeo15. Dai Pretegalli nascevano poi i Vescogalli, da questi i bei Cardingalli, i quali, se non prevenuti da morte, finivano in Papagallo; e di questi ordinariamente non ce n'era che uno, come nei buzzi delle api non c'è che un re e nel mondo universo non c'è che un sole.
Morto quello, da tutta la schiatta dei Cardingalli ne nasce un altro: senza copulazione carnale. Di guisa che vi è in questa specie unità individua con perennità di successione, come nella Fenice d'Arabia, né più né meno. Vero è che duemilasettecento e sessanta lune or sono, poco più poco meno, si produssero in natura due Papagalli insieme16; ma questa fu la più grande calamità che mai si vedesse in quest'isola.
«Perché» diceva Edito, «si depredarono e si strapazzarono talmente fra loro per tutto quel tempo che l'isola corse il rischio di rimanere deserta di abitanti: parte di loro aderendo all'uno e sostenendolo, parte aderendo all'altro e difendendolo. Parte di quelli rimasero muti come carpe e non cantarono più, e parte di queste campane, come interdette, non diedero più un tocco. Durante questo tempo sedizioso, furon chiamati in soccorso imperatori, re, duchi, marchesi e comunità del mondo che abitano e convivono in terra ferma; ma lo scisma e la grande sedizione non ebbero fine se non quando, tolto alla vita uno dei due, la pluralità fu ricondotta ad unità».
Poi gli chiedemmo che cosa muovesse quegli uccelli a cantare così senza posa. Edito rispose che erano le campane pendenti in cima alle loro gabbie. Poi disse:
«Volete che vi faccia cantare quei Monagalli che vedete là imbardocucullati17 a filtro d'ippocrasso, come allodole cappellacce?»
«Di grazia» rispondemmo noi.
Allora suonò una campana: sei tocchi solamente. Ed ecco Monagalli accorrere e Monagalli cantare.
«E se» disse Panurgo, «suonassi quella campana là, farei cantare egualmente quelli lì che hanno il piumaggio color di aringa affumicata?»
«Naturalmente» disse Edito.
Panurgo suonò e subito accorsero quegli uccelli affumicati, e cantavano tutti insieme; ma avevano voci rauche e sgradevoli. Per la ragione, ci fece notare Edito, che vivevano esclusivamente di pesce, come da noi gli aironi e i cormorani, e che era una quinta specie di Schiodacristi stampati di fresco. Aggiunse di essere stato prevenuto recentemente da Roberto Valbringue, passato di lì, che ben presto, dai paesi d'Africa, sarebbe arrivato uno stormo d'una nuova specie di Schiodacristi, chiamati Cappuccingalli, più tristi, più fanatici e fastidiosi d'ogni altra specie presente nell'isola.
«L'Africa» disse Pantagruele, «produce sempre cose nuove e mostruose»18.
CAPITOLO IV
Come gli uccelli dell'isola Sonante erano tutti di passaggio
«Ma» disse Pantagruele, «visto che, come ci avete spiegato, il Pa-pagallo nasce dai Cardingalli, i Cardingalli dai Vescogalli, i Vescogalli dai Pretegalli, i Pretegalli dai Clercigalli, questi Clercigalli donde vi nascono?»
«Sono» disse Edito, «tutti uccelli di passaggio e ci vengono dall'altro mondo: parte da una contrada grande a meraviglia chiamata Anno-della-fame; parte da un'altra verso Ponente, chiamata Siamintroppi. Da queste due contrade, tutti gli anni ne piovono qui a stormi, lasciando padri e madri, amici e parenti. Il modo è questo: allorché in qualche nobile magione di quest'ultima contrada ci sono troppi figli, sia maschi sia femmine (di modo che, dovendo spartirsi fra tutti l'eredità – come Ragion vuole, Natura ordina e Dio comanda – la casata andrebbe dispersa) questa è per i genitori l'occasione buona per scaricarsene su quest'isola, anche se sono tributari dell'isola Bozzart».
«Cioè» disse Panurgo, «l'Ile-Bouchard, vicino a Chinon».
«Dico Bozzart» replicò Edito, «perché ordinariamente quelli sono bozzoluti, gobbi, guerci, monchi, podagrosi, deformi e maleficiati: peso inutile sopra la terra».
«È un costume» disse Pantagruele, «del tutto contrario alle istituzioni che vigevano un tempo nell'ammissione delle vergini al collegio delle Vestali, quando, come attesta Labeone Antistio, era proibito eleggere a una tale dignità fanciulla che avesse vizio alcuno nell'animo, o difetto nei sensi, o una menda qualsiasi nel corpo, per quanto piccola e occulta».
«Io non riesco a capacitarmi» disse Edito, «come quelle madri là riescano a tenerli nove mesi nel grembo, visto che non li possono tenere né sopportare nove anni nella loro casa e più spesso nemmeno sette. Mettendogli semplicemente una camicia sopra la veste e tagliando loro sopra la testa non so quanti capelli con certe parole apotropaiche19 ed espiatorie, visibilmente, apertamente, manifestamente, per pitagorica metempsicosi, senza lesione né ferita alcuna, li fanno diventare uccelli quali voi li vedete: così come presso gli antichi Egizi si facevano gli Isiaci20 con infule di lino e certe tonsure. Tuttavia, amici belli, non vi so proprio dire come sia e donde avvenga che le femmine – siano Clercigalle, Monagalle, e Abagalle – non cantano mai mottetti piacevoli o inni di ringraziamento, come si soleva in onore di Oromasis, il principio del Bene, per istituzione di Zoroastro; bensì canti lugubri e di maledizione come si usava per Arimane; e non fanno che imprecare contro i loro parenti e amici che in uccelli le trasformarono: dico le giovani come le vecchie.
«I più vengono dalla contrada detta Anno-della-Fame, che è lunghissima. Poiché gli Asaphis21 che vi abitano, quando si sentono minacciati dalla malsuadente carestia, per non avere di che nutrirsi e non sapere e non voler fare nulla, né ad arte onesta attendere o a qualsivoglia mestiere, e neppure asservirsi a qualche persona dabbene, tutti volano qui. E così tutti quelli che non han potuto gioire dei loro amori; quelli che mai non vennero a capo di nulla e sono disperati; quelli del pari che sciaguratamente han commesso qualche crimine e son braccati per essere messi a morte con infamia: tutti volano qui. Questo è il luogo loro assegnato per vivere; qui da magri come gazze che erano diventano grassi come ghiri; qui vivono in perfetta sicurezza, incolumità e franchigia».
«Ma» disse Pantagruele, «questi begli uccelli, una volta acclimatati qui, succede mai che riprendano il volo verso il mondo dove furono covati?»
«Qualcuno» rispose Edito. «Un tempo assai pochi, assai tardi e con rammarico. Ma, da un po' di eclissi in qua, se n'è volata via una caterva22 per virtù di certe congiunzioni celesti. Non è che questo ci rattristi: chi resta ha da mangiare di più. E tutti, prima di andarsene, hanno lasciato qui il loro piumaggio fra i rovi e le ortiche».
Noi infatti trovammo un po' di quelle piume e per caso, cercando, rinvenimmo un vaso di rose scoperto23.
CAPITOLO V
Come gli uccelli Commedatori24 sono muti nell'isola Sonante
Non aveva Edito terminato di parlare, quando planarono vicino a noi venticinque o trenta uccelli di un piumaggio e di un colore quali non avevamo ancora visti nell'isola. Le loro piume trascoloravano d'ora in ora come la pelle di un camaleonte o come il fiore del tripolione25 o teucrione. E tutti avevano sotto l'ala sinistra un marchio come di due diametri che dimezzano un cerchio o di due linee rette reciprocamente perpendicolari26. In tutti questo marchio era quasi eguale di forma, ma non di colore. Chi l'aveva bianco, chi verde, chi rosso, chi violetto, chi blu27.
«Chi sono questi?» chiese Panurgo. «E come li chiamate?»
«Sono meticci» rispose Edito. «Li chiamiamo Commedatori, e nel vostro mondo hanno una gran quantità di ricche Commedende».
«Vi prego» dissi io, «fateli cantare un po', che sentiamo la loro voce».
«Questi non cantano mai; ma in compenso mangiano il doppio».
«E dove sono» chiesi, «le femmine?»
«Non ne hanno affatto»28 rispose.
«E come va» interloquì Panurgo, «che sono così pieni di butteri e di croste che sembrano impestati fino all'osso?»
«È una caratteristica propria di questa specie di uccelli, a causa del fatto che di quando in quando frequentano porti di mare».
Poi soggiunse:
«Svolazzano qui attorno per vedere se riconoscono fra voi una magnifica specie di Nibbiogalli, uccelli da preda terribili. Non di quelli però che vengono al logoro o riconoscono il guanto, come ce n'è, essi dicono, nel vostro mondo: dei quali alcuni portano alle gambe geti e anelli assai belli e preziosi, su cui è inciso il motto: Honni soit qui mal y pense29, come dire che chi pensa male è condannato ad essere smerdato all'istante; altri portano sul petto l'insegna della loro vittoria su un calunniatore30, e altri una pelle di ariete31».
«Può darsi benissimo, Mastro Antito» disse Panurgo, «ma noi non li conosciamo: mai visti.
«Adesso» disse Edito, «abbiamo parlamentato abbastanza: andiamo a bere!»
«A mangiare, piuttosto!» disse Panurgo.
«A mangiare e anche a bere: metà a credito, metà in contanti. Andiamo! Nulla è più caro e prezioso del tempo; impieghiamolo in opere buone».
Prima lui voleva condurci alle terme dei Cardingalli, belle e sovranamente deliziose, e poi, all'uscita dal bagno, farci ungere dai massaggiatori con balsami preziosi; ma Pantagruele disse che avrebbe bevuto anche troppo senza di ciò. Allora ci condusse in un grande e delizioso refettorio e ci disse:
«Io so bene che l'eremita Braghibus vi ha fatto digiunare per quattro giorni filati; e quattro giorni voi starete qui a contrappunto, bevendo e mangiando senza rifiatare».
«E dormire» disse Panurgo, «nemmeno un po'?»
«A vostro talento» fu la risposta, «perché chi dorme beve, dice un proverbio di qui».
«Che baldoria, Dio vero! E che gran galantuomo era quello!»
CAPITOLO VI
Come sono alimentati gli uccelli dell'isola Sonante
Pantagruele aveva l'aria triste e sembrava scontento di quelle quattro giornate di sosta destinateci da Edito; il quale se ne accorse e ci disse: «Signori, voi sapete che sette giorni prima e sette giorni dopo il solstizio d'inverno mai non accade che vi sia tempesta sul mare. Ed è per la benignità degli elementi verso gli Alcioni, uccelli sacri a Tetide, che proprio di quei giorni depongono le uova e le fanno dischiudere vicino a riva. Ma poi questo nostro mare si vendica di così lunga calma e per quattro giorni filati non cessa di tempestare orribilmente se un qualche viaggiatore si avventura fin qua. Noi pensiamo che lo faccia proprio per costringere l'ospite a fermarsi tanto tempo che basti a festeggiarlo egregiamente grazie alle rendite del din-don-dan. Pertanto non avete motivo di credere, restando, di perdere nell'ozio il vostro tempo. Forza forzosa vi tratterrà; a meno che non vogliate cimentarvi con Giunone, Nettuno, Doride, Eolo e tutti i Vegiovi32. E dunque non vi resta che bere e mangiare senza tanti pensieri».
Dopo le prime sbasoffiate, fra Giovanni domandò a Edito:
«In quest'isola avete gabbie ed uccelli e niente altro. Questi uccelli non arano la terra, né la coltivano. Tutto ciò che fanno è stare allegri, cinguettare e cantare. Da che paese vi giunge questo corno dell'abbondanza, questa profusione di beni e di ghiotti bocconi?»
«Da tutto il resto del mondo» disse Edito, «eccetto alcune contrade delle regioni aquilonari, le quali, da un po' di anni, hanno smosso la Camarina»33.
«Puah!» fece fra Giovanni. «Se ne pentiranno!
Dindondindella, dindondanno,
cavolo! se ne pentiranno.
Beviamo, amici!»
«Ma voi, amici, di dove siete?» domandò Edito.
«Di Turenna» rispose Panurgo.
«Davvero che non foste covati da una mala gazza, se venite da quella terra benedetta. Dalla Turenna ci arriva qui ogni anno un tale ben di Dio di roba ch'è una vera festa. Ci ha detto un tizio, passando un giorno di qua, che al duca di Turenna, per via di tutti i lasciti dei suoi predecessori a questi sacrosanti uccelli (per saziarci di fagiani, pernici, pollastre, faraone, grassi capponi del Ludonese, cacciagione e selvaggina d'ogni sorta) di tutte le sue rendite non gli resta nemmeno il fumo del lardo per insaporire il pane.
«Beviamo, amici! Guardate lì quell'appollaiata di uccelli. Guardate come son morbidetti e ben pasciuti grazie alle rendite che ci vengono di là. Perciò cantano bene in vostro onore. Udiste mai rosignoli gorgheggiare meglio di loro quando vedono apparire sulla piazza quei due bastoni dorati...»34
«La festa dei bastoni» disse fra Giovanni.
«... e quando io suono queste grosse campane che vedete appese attorno alle loro gabbie? Fa un bel bere, oggi! E gli altri giorni non meno. Beviamo! Io bevo a voi di gran cuore, e siate mille volte i benvenuti. Non abbiate paura che vini e cibi, qui, vengano a mancare, perché quand'anche il cielo fosse di bronzo e la terra diventata di ferro, avremmo tavole e cantine ben fornite per sette, otto anni: più che non durasse la carestia in Egitto. Beviamo insieme di buon accordo e in santa carità!»
«Diavolo!» esclamò Panurgo. «Ne avete di abbondanza in questo mondo!»
«E nell'altro» disse Edito, «ne avremo ancor di più. Per male che vada finiremo ai Campi Elisi. Beviamo, amico! Io bevo a te!»
«Certo» dissi io, «fu ispirazione eccellente e molto divina quella dei vostri primi Siticini nell'inventare un mezzo per ottenere ciò che tutti gli uomini appetiscono e a pochi, anzi a nessuno è concesso: avere il paradiso in questo mondo e poi anche nell'altro tale e quale.
Oh anime contente!
Oh deisimile gente!
Piacesse al cielo che capitasse anche a me».
CAPITOLO VII
Come Panurgo racconta a Mastro Edito l'apologo del ronzino e dell'asino
Dopo aver mangiato bene e bevuto meglio, Edito ci condusse in una stanza bene arredata, ben tappezzata e tutta rifinita in oro zecchino.
Là ci fece servire un po' di balsamo e di zenzero verde in confettura, abbondante ippocrasso e vini deliziosi; e ci invitava, con questi suoi antidoti a far conto di bere le acque del Lete e a porre in non cale e in oblio le fatiche patite sul mare. Fece anche caricare viveri in abbondanza sulle nostre navi che vennero ad affacciarsi al porto. Così riposammo per quella notte. Ma io non potevo dormire a causa di quel continuo sbattagliar di campane.
A mezzanotte, Edito ci svegliò per bere, e bevve lui per primo, dicendo:
«Voi di quell'altro mondo dite che l'ignoranza è madre di tutti i mali e dite il vero; ma intanto non la sbandite dai vostri intelletti e vivete in lei, con lei e per lei. È per questo che tanti mali vi affliggono giorno dopo giorno. Sempre vi lagnate, sempre vi lamentate, come constato adesso che l'ignoranza vi tien lì legati al letto, come un tempo il dio delle battaglie nella rete di Vulcano; e non capite che il vostro dovere era di risparmiare il vostro sonno e non i beni di quest'isola famosa. Voi dovreste, a quest'ora, aver già fatto tre pasti, e credete a me: per consumare le cibarie dell'isola Sonante, bisogna levarsi di buon mattino: mangiandole si moltiplicano, risparmiandole scemano. Falciate il prato alla sua stagione e l'erba vi ricrescerà più folta e più pregiata; non falciatelo affatto e in pochi anni non sarà tappezzato che di muschio. Beviamo, amici, e che nessuno si tiri indietro. I più magri dei nostri uccelli son tutti là che cantano per noi. Noi berremo a loro, ve ne prego. Beviamo, di grazia! E subito dopo sputerete meglio. Beviamo una, due, tre, nove volte. Non cibus sed charitas».
Allo spuntar del giorno ci svegliò di nuovo perché mangiassimo la zuppa da mattutino. Poi non facemmo più che un solo pasto che durò tutto il giorno, e non sapevamo se era pranzo o cena, merenda, pusigno o ritocchino. Soltanto, a guisa di passatempo, facemmo quattro passi per l'isola, per vedere come gioiosamente cantavano quei mirifici uccelli.
Alla sera, Panurgo disse a Mastro Edito:
«Signore, non vi dispiaccia se vi racconto un fatterello spassoso, capitato ventitré lune fa nel paese di Châtellerault, nel mese d'aprile. Un bel mattino, il palafreniere del signore del luogo, conducendo a passeggio pei maggesi i suoi cavalli da battaglia, s'imbatté in una gaia pastorella, la quale
pasceva il gregge a l'ombra d'un boschetto,
seco menando un asino e un capretto.
«Chiacchierando con lei del più e del meno, la persuase a salire in groppa dietro a lui per visitare insieme la scuderia e farsi là un bel mangiarino alla campagnola. Ma intanto che loro conversavano, anche il cavallo (poiché quello fu l'anno che in più luoghi le bestie parlarono fra loro) si volse all'asino e gli disse in un orecchio:
«"Povero e infelice ciuchetto, mi fai pietà, ho compassione di te. Tu lavori molto ogni giorno: lo vedo da come è consumato il tuo sottocoda. E questo è giusto, perché Dio ti ha creato per servire agli umani: sei un ciuchino dabbene. Ma il non essere spazzolato, strigliato, bardato e nutrito meglio di quanto vedo, ciò mi sembra un trattamento un po' tirannico e fuor dei termini di ragione. Sei tutto irsuto, inzaccherato e mencio, e non ti nutri che di giunchi, di spini e di cardi secchi. Perciò ti invito, somarello mio, a venirtene passo passo dietro a me, per vedere come siamo trattati noi che Natura ha generato per la guerra. Non potrai che giovartene, venendo alla mia greppia".
«"Sinceramente, signor cavallo" rispose l'asino, "ci verrò ben volentieri".
«"Somaro!" disse il cavallo. "Potresti anche chiamarmi signor Ronzino!"
«"Scusatemi" rispose l'asino. "Noi villani e campagnoli siamo così scorretti nel parlare e così poco istruiti. Perciò, visto che vi compiacete di farmi tanto bene e tanto onore, vi terrò dietro di lontano per paura delle legnate, che già ne ho la pelle tutta lavorata a contrappunto".
«Montata in arcioni la pastorella, l'asino seguiva il cavallo con l'idea di farsi una bella strippata. Arrivati alla fattoria, il palafreniere lo vide e ordinò ai garzoni di stalla di prenderlo a forconate e di spianargli le costole a colpi di bastone. L'asino, a sentire questi discorsi, si raccomandò al dio Nettuno e se la diede a gambe così pensando e argomentando fra sé: "Dice il vero: non è della mia condizione bazzicare le corti dei grandi signori; la Natura non mi ha generato che per essere di aiuto alla povera gente; Esopo me l'aveva spiegato ben chiaro con il suo apologo. È stata tracotanza la mia. Adesso non c'è altro rimedio che filarsela allegramente, senza aspettare che sian cotti gli asparagi". E via di gran galoppo, scartando, scalciando, sgroppando e cacciando dal culo peti e petardi. La pastorella, vedendo l'asino sloggiare, disse al palafreniere ch'era suo e chiese che fosse ben trattato, altrimenti se ne andava anche lei su due piedi. Allora il palafreniere comandò che restassero pure i cavalli senza avena, magari per otto giorni, piuttosto che l'asino non ne avesse tanta da farne una spanciata. Ma il peggio fu farlo tornare indietro. Perché i garzoni avevano un bel lunsigarlo e dargli la voce: "Ié, ié, somarello, vien qua, vien qua!". "Io non ci vedo" diceva l'asino, "io sono timido".
«Più amabilmente lo chiamavano e più rudemente lui si schermiva, a salti, a calci, a raffiche di scoregge. E sarebbero ancora là se non fosse stato che la pastorella li avvertì di richiamarlo trivellando avena e facendola volare alta nell'aria. Così fu fatto. Subito l'asino si volse indietro dicendo: "Avena? Bene adveniat! Con l'avena ci sto; con il forcone no: passo, mi dò servito". Così si rese a loro, cantando melodiosamente. E voi sapete come si allarga il cuore a sentir la voce e la musica di queste bestie arcadiche.
«Ritornato che fu, lo condussero alla stalla, accanto al cavallo da battaglia; e lì brusca e striglia a non finire, lettiera fresca fino alla pancia, greppia tutta di bel fieno, mangiatoia colma d'avena, che mentre i garzoni di stalla la trivellavano, lui badava a dire con le orecchie che ne avrebbe mangiata anche di troppo così com'era, che dunque non si dessero pena e che lui non era degno di tanto onore.
«Quand'ebbero mangiato a sazietà, il cavallo si volse all'asino e gli disse: "E così povero somarello, come ti va? Che te ne pare di questo trattamento? E pensare che non volevi nemmeno venirci! Cosa ne dici adesso?"
«"In nome di quel fico che quando Filemone lo vide mangiare da un mio antenato tanto ne rise che ne morì, vi dirò ch'è un vero balsamo. Solamente" soggiunse il somarello, "mi pare che siamo appena a metà della festa! No, voglio dire, voialtri signori cavalli, non lo fate mai, qui dentro, un po' di sbattignocca alla somaresca?"
«"Di quale sbattignocca vai parlando?" domandò il cavallo. "Ti venisse il malanno! Mi hai forse preso per un somaro?"
«"No, no" rispose l'asino. "È che io sono un po' duro a imparare la parlata di corte dei cavalli. Domando: non ronzinate mai, qui dentro, voialtri signori ronzini?"
«"St! Parla basso, somarello" disse il cavallo. "Se ti sentono i garzoni, ti tempestano talmente col forcone che ti passa per sempre la voglia di ronzinare. Noi, qui dentro, non ci arrischiamo nemmeno a metter fuori la punta del baccello, nemmeno per pisciare, per paura delle legnate. Per il resto, però, vita da re".
«"Per il cinto del basto che porto! Io" disse l'asino ,"ti rinnego e dico: Merda alla tua lettiera, al tuo fieno e alla tua avena. E viva sempre i cardi secchi dei campi, perché là ci ronzineggi fin che ti scappa. Mangia di meno, ma non perdere un colpo: questa è la mia divisa, e di ciò noi facciamo fieno e pietanza. Oh sì, signor ronzino, amico mio! E dovresti vederci alle fiere, quando teniamo il nostro capitolo provinciale: dovresti vedere, mentre le nostre padrone vendono paperi e pulcini, come ronzineggiamo tutti a piacer nostro!"
«E su questo si lasciarono. Ho detto».
Qui Panurgo si tacque. Pantagruele lo esortava a concludere il discorso, ma lui non aggiungeva verbo. E fu Edito a rispondere.
«A buon intenditor poche parole» disse. «Comprendo assai bene ciò che volete dire e farci intendere con questo apologo dell'asino e del cavallo. Ma voi siete uno svergognato. Sappiate che qui non c'è nulla che faccia al caso vostro. Non se ne parli più».
«Tuttavia» disse Panurgo, «ho visto qui poco fa un'Abagalla di bianca piuma che mi è parsa più da cavalcare che da condurre per mano. E se gli altri sono donaugelli, quella mi sembrerebbe un vera damaugella: voglio dire piacente e graziosa, tanto da farci un peccatuccio o due senza rimorsi. Con tutto ciò, Dio mi perdoni: io non pensavo a niente di male. Magari mi venisse subito il male che pensavo!»
CAPITOLO VIII
Come, con gran difficoltà, ci fu mostrato il Papagallo
Il terzo giorno si andò avanti tra festini e banchetti a non finire come i due precedenti. Pantagruele chiedeva con insistenza di poter vedere il Papagallo; ma Edito rispose che quello non si lasciava vedere tanto facilmente.
«Come?» disse Pantagruele. «Ha forse l'elmo di Plutone in testa, o l'anello di Gige a un artiglio, o un camaleonte in seno, per rendersi invisibile alla gente?»35
«No» rispose Edito, «ma è proprio lui per sua natura ch'è un po' difficile da vedere. Io; per me, farò in modo che vi sia dato di vederlo, se è possibile».
Ciò detto, se ne andò, lasciandoci lì a lavorar di mascelle per un quarto d'ora. Di ritorno, ci disse che il Papagallo, per il momento, era visibile, e ci condusse in silenzio e di soppiatto dritti alla gabbia dov'era accovacciato, in compagnia di due piccoli Cardingalli e di sei Vescogalli grassi e grossi.
Panurgo ne osservò attentamente la forma, i gesti, il contegno. Poi gridò:
«Maledetta bestia! Sembra un'upupa!»
«Parlate piano per Dio!» lo zittì Edito. «Come osservò saggiamente Michele de Maliscon36, ha le orecchie!»
«E anche una bella cresta» disse Panurgo.
«Se per caso vi sente bestemmiare così, siete perduti, brava gente. La vedete quella catinella dentro la sua gabbia? È di lì che sortiranno fulmini e saette, diavoli e tempesta, per cui sarete inabissati in un momento cento piedi sotto terra».
«Sempre meglio continuare a bere e a banchettare» disse fra Giovanni.
Panurgo era ancora tutto preso nella contemplazione del Papagallo e della sua compagnia, quando scorse sotto la gabbia una civetta, e gridò:
«Virtù di Dio! Siamo uccellati in piena regola, con le panie e la fischiarella! Qui c'è imbroglio, malizia e ciurmeria. Chi l'avrebbe mai detto, in questa santa dimora! Guardate lì quella civetta. Siamo assassinati, per Dio!»
«Parlate piano, in nome di Dio!» disse Edito. «Non è una civetta: è un maschio, un nobile primicerio»37.
«Ma fateci un po' cantare il Papagallo» disse Pantagruele, «così sentiamo la sua melodia».
«Lui non canta che ai suoi giorni» disse Edito, «e non mangia che alle sue ore».
«Non così faccio io» disse Panurgo. «Per me tutte le ore son buone. Andiamo a bagnarci il becco».
«Adesso parlate ammodo» disse Edito, «e così parlando non cadrete mai in eresia. Andiamo, ci sto anch'io».
Tornando a banchetto, scorgemmo un vecchio Vescogallo che se ne stava accovacciato in compagnia di un Suffragallo38 e di tre Onocrotali39, uccelli festosi, e ronfava all'ombra di un pergolato. Accanto a lui, una graziosa Abagalla giocondamente cantava, e noi ne prendevamo sì gran piacere da desiderare che tutte le nostre membra si convertissero in altrettante orecchie per nulla perdere del suo canto, intenti a quello solo, senza che altro ce ne distraesse. E Panurgo disse:
«Questa bella Abagalla si rompe il capo a cantare e intanto quel grosso villano d'un Vescogallo villanamente russa. Ci penso io a farlo cantare, corpo del diavolo!». E suonò una campana che pendeva sulla sua gabbia.
Ma più scampanava, più forte il Vescogallo russava, e non cantava affatto.
«Per Dio, vecchio bozzagro!» disse Panurgo. «Troverò bene il modo di farti cantare!». E raccolta una grossa pietra, gliel'avrebbe data sulla mitria se non fosse stato per Edito che lo fermò gridando:
«Mai più, galantuomo! Colpisci, sbrana, ammazza, assassina tutti i re e principi della terra: a tradimento, col veleno o altrimenti, quando e come vorrai: di tutto avrai perdono dal Papagallo. Ma non toccare questi sacri uccelli, dico se ti preme la vita, nonché profitti e beni, sia tuoi sia dei tuoi parenti ed amici, viventi e trapassati. Anche quelli che nascessero da loro ne risentirebbero il danno. Non ti scordare mai di quella tal catinella».
«Allora» disse Panurgo, «tanto vale darci dentro a bere e mangiare».
«Dice bene, signor Antito» osservò fra Giovanni, «perché a star qui a guardare questi diavoli di uccelli, non facciamo che bestemmiare. Invece, vuotando bottiglie e boccali, non facciamo che lodare Dio. Andiamo dunque a bere. Oh la grande parola!»
Il quarto giorno, dopo bevuto (naturalmente), Edito ci diede congedo.
Noi gli facemmo dono di un bel coltellino della Perche, ch'egli gradì più di quanto Artaserse non gradisse il famoso bicchiere d'acqua fresca offertogli da un contadino in Scizia. Ci ringraziò cortesemente; inviò sulle nostre navi provvigioni fresche d'ogni sorta; ci augurò buon viaggio e di giungere sani e salvi al termine delle nostre imprese, e ci fece promettere e giurare su Giove che al ritorno saremmo ripassati di lì. In fine ci disse:
«Amici, voi noterete che al mondo vi sono più coglioni che uomini, e non ve ne scordate!»
CAPITOLO IX
Come scendemmo all'isola delle Ferrarecce
Zavorrato bene bene lo stomaco e avendo il vento in poppa, spiegammo il nostro grande artimone, e in meno di due giorni giungemmo all'isola delle Ferrarecce, deserta e inabitata; e là vedemmo gran quantità di alberi che portavano ai rami zappe, spazzaforni, falci, falcetti, vanghe, badili, cazzuole, accette, roncole, seghe, asce, molte cesoie, tenaglie, pale, trivelle, menarole. Altri portavano daghe, pugnali, misericordie, punzoni, spade, sciabole, scimitarre, stocchi, coltelli.
Chiunque ne volesse non aveva che da scrollare l'albero e cadevano come prugne. Inoltre, cadendo a terra, incontravano una specie di erba chiamata guaina e vi si inguainavano dentro di misura. Alla caduta, bisognava stare bene attenti che non vi piombassero in testa, o sui piedi, o su qualche altra parte del corpo; perché, per infilare la bocca del fodero, cadevano di punta e avrebbero ferito malamente la persona.
Sotto non so quali alberi vidi certe specie di erbe le quali crescevano in forma di picche, lance, giavellotti, alabarde, spiedi, partigiane, ronconi, bipenni e corsesche, venendo su dalla terra. E come raggiungevano la chioma dell'albero, incontravano punte e lame appropriate, ciascun'erba secondo la sua qualità. Gli alberi sovrastanti le avevano già preparate per loro mentre crescevano, come voi preparate gli abitini per i vostri marmocchi quando volete toglierli dalle fasce.
E affinché la finiate di scandalizzarvi delle opinioni di Platone, Anassagora, Democrito (forse che erano filosofi da poco?), vi dirò che queste piante somigliavano ad animali terrestri; diversi dalle bestie non già perché non avessero cuore, grasso, carne, vene, arterie, legamenti, nervi, cartilagini e midolla, umori, matrice, cervello e articolazioni congrue (perché essi ne hanno, come bene espone Teofrasto); bensì per il fatto che hanno la testa, vale a dire il tronco, in basso; i capelli, cioè le radici, per terra; e i piedi, cioè i rami, per aria, come un uomo che gioca alla querciola40.
E allo stesso modo che voi, impestati, nelle vostre gambe sciaticose e nei vostri omoplati, avvertite di lontano l'avvento delle piogge, dei venti, del sereno e d'ogni altro cambiamento di stagione, così essi, nei loro tronchi, radici, gomme e nodi, presentono qual genere di aste van crescendo da sotto e preparano a ognuna punte e lame convenienti.
Vero è che in ogni cosa (Dio eccettuato) capita qualche sbaglio. La Natura stessa non ne va esente quando produce cose mostruose e animali difformi. E anche fra questi alberi notai qualche errore. Per esempio, una mezza picca che cresceva all'ombra di una di queste piante ferramentifere, toccando i rami, incontrò, in luogo di una punta, una scopa: bene! servirà a spazzare i camini. Una partigiana incontrò una forbice: e sia, tutto fa brodo! Servirà per mondare i giardini dai bruchi. Un manico d'alabarda incontrò il ferro d'una falce e sembrava ermafrodita: fa lo stesso! Verrà buona per un qualche falciatore. Gran bella cosa credere in Dio!
Tornando alle nostre navi, io vidi, dietro non so che cespuglio, non so che gente, intenta a non so cosa, come affilando non so quali ferri, che avevano non so dove, in non so che braghetta.
CAPITOLO X
Come Pantagruele arrivò all'isola di Malatasca
Lasciata l'isola delle Ferrarecce, tre giorni ancora di navigazione e giungemmo all'isola di Malatasca, vero prototipo di Fontainebleau, pòiché la terra vi è così magra che le ossa (cioè a dire le rocce) ne forano la pelle, arenosa, sterile, malsana e sgradevole41.
Là il nostro pilota ci mostrò due piccoli scogli a otto spigoli eguali, a guisa di cubi, che a giudicare dal loro biancore si sarebbero detti di alabastro oppure ricoperti di neve; ma egli ci assicurò ch'erano aliossi42. E diceva che all'interno c'era la dimora a sei piani di venti diavoli d'azzardo, tanto temuti nei nostri paesi, i più grandi dei quali, gemelli e accoppiati, eran chiamati Doppio Sei, i più piccoli Coppia d'Assi, i mezzani Due Cinque, Due Quattro, Due Tre, Due Due; gli altri Sei e Cinque, Sei e Tre, Sei e Due, Sei e Asso, Cinque e Quattro, Cinque e Tre e così di seguito.
Allora ebbi occasione di osservare che sono pochi al mondo i giocatori che non siano votati a un qualche diavolo. Perché, gettando i dadi sul tavolo con grande devozione, quando gridano «Doppio Sei, amico mio!», si tratta del gran diavolo; se dicono «Coppia d'Assi, gioia mia!», è il piccolo diavolo; e così col «Quattro e Due, ragazzi miei!» e con tutti gli altri: non c'è diavolo di qualsivoglia risma che non sia invocato col suo nome e cognome. E non solo li invocano, ma se ne professano amici e familiari. Vero è che questi diavoli non sempre accorrono prontamente all'invocazione, ma in questo sono scusabili: erano altrove, dovendo tener conto dell'ordine di precedenza dei postulanti. Pertanto non è il caso di dire ch'essi non abbiano sensi ed orecchie. Ne hanno sì e di belle, ve lo dico io!
Poi il pilota ci disse che a quelle rive e attorno a quelle rocce squadrate si erano avute più sciagure, naufragi e perdite di beni e di vite che non attorno a tutte le Sirti, Cariddi, Sirene, Scille, Strofadi e abissi di tutti i mari. E io lo credetti senza difficoltà, ricordandomi che un tempo, in caratteri geroglifici, i saggi dell'antico Egitto, designavano Nettuno col primo cubo, Apollo con l'Asso, Diana col Due, Minerva col Sette.
E ancora ci disse esserci là una fiasca del Sangue del Santo Graal, cosa divina e conosciuta a pochi. Panurgo tanto fece, con belle preghiere ai sindaci del luogo, ch'essi ce la mostrarono, ma con cerimonie e solennità tre volte più grandi di quelle onde si mostrano a Firenze le Pandette di Giustiniano e la Veronica a Roma. E io non avevo mai veduto tanti zendali, fiaccole, torce, candele, ex voto, stole, pianete, turiboli e baldacchini. Finalmente, ciò che ci venne mostrato era la testa di un coniglio arrosto.
Là non vedemmo nient'altro di memorabile, salvo Buon Viso, primo cugino di Cattivo Gioco, e i gusci di due uova, covate un tempo e fatte schiudere da Leda, dalle quali nacquero Castore e Polluce, fratelli di Elena la bella. I sindaci ce ne donarono un pezzetto in cambio di un po' di pane.
Al momento di partire, comperammo una pila di cappelli e berretti di Malatasca. Credo che a venderli ci guadagneremo ben poco; e ancor meno ci guadagneranno, usandoli, coloro che li acquisteranno da noi.
CAPITOLO XI
Come giungemmo allo Sportello abitato da Mordigraffio, arciduca dei Gatti felpati
Avendo già altra volta fatto rotta per Procura, lasciammo indietro quest'isola e giungemmo a Dannazione, poi allo Sportello, dove Pantagruele non volle discendere, e fece benissimo. Infatti noi vi fummo arrestati e imprigionati per ordine di Mordigraffio, arciduca dei Gatti felpati43, soltanto perché qualcuno della nostra comitiva, passando per Procura, aveva bastonato uno di quei maledetti Cagarogne.
I Gatti felpati sono bestie molto orribili e spaventose; mangiano i bambini e si cibano su lastre di marmo. Immaginate dunque, miei bevitori, che razza di grugno camuso debbono avere! Il pelo non cresce loro sopra la pelle, non spunta di fuori: ce l'hanno dentro, nascosto, a guisa di felpa; e portano tutti, come emblema e divisa, una borsa aperta, ma non tutti alla stessa maniera: chi la porta al collo a mo' di sciarpa, chi sul culo, chi sul buzzo, chi sul costato, e tutto a fin di mistero. Hanno anche artigli, e così forti, lunghi e affilati che nulla sfugge loro dopo che l'abbiano adunghiato. Si coprono la testa alcuni con berretti a quattro gronde o braghette, altri con berretti a risvolti, altri con berretti o con cappucci a mortaio.
Entrando nella loro tana, un mendicante dell'ospizio al quale avevamo donato un mezzo testone, ci disse:
«Dio vi rimeriti, brava gente, e vi conceda di uscire ben presto sani e salvi di là. Considerate attentamente l'aspetto di questi valorosi pilastri e contrafforti della giustizia di Mordigraffio. E abbiate per certo che se vivrete ancora per sei Olimpiadi più l'età di due cani, voi vedrete questi Gatti felpati signori di tutta Europa e possessori sicuri di ogni bene e dominio che in essa si trovi, se non avvenga che nei loro eredi subitamente periscano, per punizione divina, i beni e le rendite da essi ingiustamente acquistati: ve lo dice un pezzente dabbene. Regna fra loro la sesta essenza, mediante la quale tutto arraffano, tutto divorano, su tutto scagazzano. Essi impiccano, bruciano, squartano, decapitano, massacrano, imprigionano, minacciano e distruggono tutto senza distinzione di bene e di male. Perché presso di loro il vizio si chiama virtù; la nequizia è soprannominata bontà; il tradimento ha nome fedeltà; il latrocinio è detto liberalità; il saccheggio è la loro divisa e, se compiuto da loro, tutti gli umani lo trovano buono (eccetto gli eretici); e il tutto fanno con sovrana e irrefragabile autorità.
«A conferma di quel che vi dico, notate che là dentro le mangiatoie sono al di sopra delle rastrelliere44. Ricordatevene all'occasione. E se mai pestilenze, carestie, guerre, terremoti, cicloni, cataclismi conflagrazioni o altre calamità affliggeranno il mondo, non attribuitele, non riferitele a congiunzioni maligne di pianeti, agli abusi della corte romana, alle tirannie dei re e principi della terra, alle imposture dei collitorti, eretici e falsi profeti, alla malignità degli usurai, falsari e tosatori di monete, all'ignoranza e imprudenza di medici, cerusici e apotecari, alla perversità delle spose adultere, infanticide, avvelenatrici: attribuite, riferite il tutto all'enorme, indicibile, incredibile e inestimabile malvagità diuturnamente forgiata ed esercitata nell'officina dei Gatti felpati. La quale malvagità non è conosciuta dalla gente più che lo sia la cabala degli Ebrei, e pertanto non è deplorata, detestata e repressa come ragione vorrebbe.
«Ma se mai venga posta in evidenza e resa manifesta alle genti, non c'è, né vi fu oratore tanto eloquente che dissuada il popolo, né legge tanto severa che lo raffreni, né magistrato così potente che lo trattenga dal farli bruciar vivi dentro le loro tane, senza pietà. La loro stessa prole di Gattonzoli felpati, i loro stessi parenti li avrebbero in orrore e abominazione.
«Per questo, come Annibale ebbe dal padre Amilcare, con religioso scongiuro, comandamento solenne di perseguitare i Romani finché vivesse, così io ebbi dal mio defunto padre ingiunzione di rimanere qui fuori in attesa che cada là dentro la folgore del cielo e li riduca in cenere come altrettanti Titani, empi e nemici degli dèi; poiché gli umani sono tanto induriti sotto i loro colpi da non sentire più il male che han patito né prevedere quello che li attende per opera loro, o, pur sentendolo e prevedendolo, non osano e non possono sterminarli».
«Ah, così?» disse Panurgo. «Eh no! Per Dio! Io non ci vado:
Mi fa drizzare il pel costui non meno
d'uno schianto di tuono a ciel sereno».
Al ritorno trovammo la porta chiusa e ci fu detto che là facilmente si entrava come in Averno; che la difficoltà stava nell'uscirne, e che non ne saremmo comunque venuti fuori senza prima esibire la bolletta di scarico della cancelleria, per la semplice ragione che uno non se ne va dalla fiera come dal mercato45, specie avendo, come noi, i piedi polverosi46.
Il peggio fu quando ci presentammo allo Sportello per avere la nostra bolletta di scarico, perché ci trovammo davanti al più orrido mostro che mai sia stato descritto.
Lo chiamavano Mordigraffio. Come termine di paragone, non saprei trovar di meglio che la Chimera o la Sfinge; o Cerbero, oppure il simulacro di Osiride, come lo raffiguravano gli Egizi, cioè con tre teste insieme congiunte: una di leone ruggente, una di cane anelante, una di lupo ululante, avviluppate da un dragone che si morde la coda e circonfuso di fiamme a raggera.
Le mani aveva piene di sangue, le unghie come l'Arpia, il muso a becco di corvo, i denti di cinghiale quattrenne, gli occhi fiammeggianti come gola d'inferno, il corpo tutto ricoperto di berretti a mortaio intrecciati di nappe, tranne le grinfie che aveva bene in vista.
Il seggio suo e dei suoi a latere, Gatti di garenna, consisteva in una lunga rastrelliera tutta nuova, al di sopra della quale, in ordine inverso, erano installate le mangiatoie molto belle ed ampie, come ci aveva detto il mendicante. Più in alto ancora, al di sopra del seggio principale, c'era l'immagine di una vecchia con gli occhiali al naso che reggeva un fodero di falcetto con la mano destra e, con la sinistra, una bilancia. I piatti della bilancia consistevano in due vecchie bisacce di velluto, l'una piena di monete e tutta gravitante in giù, l'altra, vuota e lunga, sospesa in alto al di sopra del giogo. E io sono d'avviso che fosse il simulacro della Giustizia di Mordigraffio, ben lontana dalla dottrina degli antichi Tebani, i quali onoravano i loro dicasti e giudici, dopo morti, erigendo le loro statue in oro, in argento e in marmo, a seconda dei meriti di ciascuno, e tutte senza mani47.
Come fummo introdotti al suo cospetto, non so che sorta di gente, tutta infagottata di bisacce, di sacchi e gran brandelli di pergamena, ci fece sedere sul banco degli imputati. Panurgo diceva:
«Fior di gaglioffi, amici miei, io per me sto benissimo in piedi; tanto più che il banco è troppo basso per un uomo con le calze nuove e il farsetto corto».
«Sedete» replicarono. «E non fatevelo dire due volte! La terra si aprirà per inghiottirvi vivi, se non rispondete a tono».
CAPITOLO XII
Come da Mordigraffio ci fu proposto un enigma
Come fummo seduti, Mordigraffio, in mezzo alla sua corte di Gatti felpati, ci apostrofò con voce roca e furiosa.
«Or qua, or qua, or qua!»48 blaterava.
«Or qua da bere, or qua!» borbottava Panurgo fra i denti. Ma Mordigraffio non ci fece caso, continuando in rima:
«Una fanciulla bianca come un cero
concepì senza padre un figlio nero.
Senza dolore partorì la bella,
ma lui nascendo alla maniera fella
d'una vipera – lui che impaziente era,
le fece un buco che prima non c'era.
Poi passò monti e valli con baldanza,
ora volando or camminando agevole,
sì da stupir l'amico di Sapienza,
che lo stimò animale ragionevole.
«E adesso, or qua» soggiunse, rivolto proprio a me, «cosa vuol dire? Risolvi tu l'enigma, or qua, presto e immediatamente. Cos'è? Or qua, cosa vuol dire? Parla e rispondi, or qua!»
«Or là per Dio!» risposi. «Se avessi la sfinge in casa, or là per Dio, come l'aveva Verre, un vostro precursore, or là per Dio, potrei anche risolvere l'enigma, or là per Dio. Ma certo è che io non c'ero mica e sono, or là per Dio, innocente del fatto».
«Or qua, per Stige» disse lui ringhiando, «poiché altro non puoi dire, or qua, ti farò vedere, or qua, che sarebbe stato meglio per te cadere fra le zampe di Lucifero, or qua, che fra le nostre grinfie, or qua. Guardale bene! E tu, tanghero, or qua, ti fai bello della tua innocenza, come degna di sfuggire alle nostre torture? Le nostre leggi, or qua, son come tele di ragno, or qua. Le farfallette, i moscerini vi restano impigliati, or qua; ma i grossi tafani, or qua, le rompono passandovi attraverso. Conseguentemente, or qua, noi non andiamo in cerca di grossi ladroni e di tiranni, or qua. Son troppo duri da digerire, or qua. Essi, or qua, ci farebbero ammattire. Invece, a voialtri graziosi innocentini c'è qui il gran diavolo, or qua, che vi canta la messa, or qua».
Fra Giovanni, insofferente di questi discorsi di Mordigraffio, saltò su e gridò: «Ohè, signor diavolo intonacato, come vuoi tu ch'egli ti risponda di un caso che ignora?»
«Or qua, or qua!» esclamò Mordigraffio. «Ancora non era accaduto nel mio regno, or qua, che alcuno prendesse la parola senz'essere prima interrogato, or qua. Chi mi ha scatenato qui questo matto furioso?»
«Mentitore!» diceva fra Giovanni a bocca chiusa.
«Or qua! Quando sarà il tuo turno di rispondere, avrai, or qua, il tuo da fare, canaglia!»
«Mentitore!» ripeté fra Giovanni senza muover labbro.
«Credi tu di essere a passeggio nei giardini accademici, or qua, fra un codazzo di oziosi cacciatori e inquisitori di verità? Noi qui, or qua, siam gente che ha ben altro da fare, or qua. Qui si risponde, dico, categoricamente, or qua, di ciò che si ignora. Qui si confessa, or qua, d'aver fatto ciò che mai non si fece, or qua. E si dichiara di sapere, or qua, ciò che mai non si apprese, or qua. E si fa pazientare l'inquisito, or qua, facendolo andare in bestia. Or qua, si spenna l'oca senza permettere che strilli. Or qua, tu parli senza procura, or qua! Non credere che non me ne accorga, che ti sposi, or qua, la febbre quartana!»
«Diavolo, arcidiavolo e tuttodiavolo» esclamò fra Giovanni, «vorresti dunque far sposare i monaci? Oh! oh! oh! Ti tengo per eretico!»
CAPITOLO XIII
Come Panurgo sciolse l'enigma di Mordigraffio
Mordigraffio, come se non avesse udito queste parole, si volse a Panurgo dicendo:
«Or qua, or qua, or qua! E tu, villan rifatto, non hai niente da dire?»
«Per la coda del diavolo or là» rispose Panurgo, «vedo chiaramente che qui, per noi, c'è soltanto peste e scorbuto, per la coda del diavolo or là! Poiché qui l'innocenza non ha chi la protegga e il diavolo vi canta messa. Ond'è che vi prego, per la coda del diavolo or là, di farmela pagare per tutti e di lasciarci andare: non piove più, per la coda del diavolo or là!»
«Andare!» trasecolò Mordigraffio. «Or qua non accade più da trecent'anni che alcuno se la squagli di qui senza lasciarci il pelo, or qua, e più spesso la pelle, or qua. Come sarebbe, or qua? Sarebbe come dire, or qua, che qui davanti a noi sei stato trattato ingiustamente, or qua. Sei già abbastanza disgraziato, or qua. Ma ancor più lo sarai se non rispondi all'enigma. Or qua, cosa vuol dire? Parla e rispondi, or qua!»
«Vuol dire, per la coda del diavolo or là» rispose Panurgo, «il tonchio nero d'una fava bianca, nato dal buco che si è fatto rosicchiandola, per la coda del diavolo or là! Il quale tonchio nero un po' vola e un po' cammina; per cui Pitagora, amico di Sapienza, come dire filosofo, per la coda del diavolo or là, stimò che avesse, per via di metempsicosi, ricevuto anima umana. Se voi foste uomini, per la coda del diavolo or là, una volta tirate le cuoia, le vostre anime, a mio parere, andrebbero tutte ad abitare nel corpo dei tonchi di fava. Così, avendo già in questa vita rosicchiato e divorato tutto, per la coda del diavolo or là, sapreste come rosicchiare nell'altra, nascendo a mo' di vipere, il costato delle vostre madri, per la coda del diavolo or là».
«Sangue di Dio!» esclamò fra Giovanni. «Quanto mi piacerebbe che il buco del culo mi si mutasse in fava e fosse rosicchiato torno torno da codesti tonchi!»
Panurgo, detta la sua, gettò ai piedi di Mordigraffio una grossa borsa piena di scudi del sole, al cui suono tutti i Gatti felpati cominciarono a giocar di grinfie come suonatori di violini smanicati, gridando ad una voce: «Le spezie, le spezie! Fu ben buono il processo! Ben ghiotto e ben drogato!»
«È oro» disse Panurgo, «sono scudi del sole».
«Or bene, or bene, or bene» disse Mordigraffio. «La corte ha preso atto. Andate figlioli, andate pure. Or bene, come vedete, non siamo poi così diavoli quanto siamo neri. Andate, andate».
Tornati all'aperto fummo accompagnati al porto da certi Grifoni49 di montagna. Prima di imbarcarci, però, fummo avvertiti che non avessimo a partire senza aver fatto ricchi doni tanto alla signora consorte di Mordigraffio quanto alle altre Gatte felpate, nessuna esclusa. Altrimenti avevano ordine di ricondurci allo Sportello.
«Merda!» rispose fra Giovanni. «E va bene! Lasciate che vediamo un po' fra noi quanto denaro abbiamo ancora in serbo e cercheremo di accontentare tutti».
«Ma» dissero i Grifoni, «non dimenticate il beveraggio per i poveri diavoli».
«Il beveraggio per i poveri diavoli» disse fra Giovanni, «non si dimentica mai, in ogni tempo e stagione».
CAPITOLO XIV
Come i Gatti felpati vivono di corruzione
Non erano finiti questi discorsi quando fra Giovanni scorse sessantotto galere e fregate che entravano in porto. Subito andò là a curiosare per avere notizie e per vedere di che fossero carichi quei vascelli; e vide che erano tutti carichi di venagione, lepri, capponi, palombi, maiali, capretti, vannelli, pollastri, anitre, germani, oche, ed ogni sorta di selvaggina. E insieme a tutto ciò, pezze di velluto, di raso, di damasco. Allora chiese ai viaggiatori dove e a chi portassero quei ghiotti bocconi. Essi risposero che li portavano a Mordigraffio, ai Gatti felpati e alle rispettive Gatte.
«Come chiamate voi queste droghe?» chiese fra Giovanni.
«Corruzione» risposero i viaggiatori.
«Dunque» disse fra Giovanni, «se di corruzione vivono, di generazione periranno50. Per la virtù di Dio, sarà proprio così! I loro padri divorarono i bravi gentiluomini, i quali, in ragione della loro condizione si esercitavano alla falconeria e alla caccia per essere in tempo di guerra più scorti e già induriti alle fatiche marziali. Giacché la caccia è un simulacro di battaglia, e certo non mentì Senofonte scrivendo che dall'esercizio della caccia, come dal cavallo di Troia, sortirono tutti i buoni capitani. Io non son dotto, ma me l'han detto e lo credo. Dopo la morte, le anime di questi gentiluomini, secondo l'opinione di Mordigraffio, sono entrate nel corpo di cinghiali, cervi, capretti, aironi, pernici e altrettanti animali, ch'essi, nella loro vita, avevano sempre amato e cercato. Ora questi Gatti felpati, dopo aver distrutto e divorato i loro castelli, terre, domini, possessioni e rendite, ne cercano ancora, nell'altra vita, il sangue e l'anima. Oh, l'onesto straccione che ce ne aveva avvertiti all'insegna della mangiatoia sopra la greppia!»
«Sì» disse Panurgo, «ma c'è un bando del gran re che fa divieto a chiunque, pena il capestro, di catturare cervi e cerbiatte, cinghiali e caprioli».
«È vero» rispose uno per tutti, «ma se il gran re è così buono e benigno, questi Gatti felpati sono tanto feroci e assetati di sangue cristiano, che la speranza di poterli ammansire per via di corruzione è più forte del timore di offendere il gran re; tanto più che domani Mordigraffio mariterà una sua Gatta felpata a un grosso Gattaccio di tre felpe, di quelli che un tempo si chiamavano Masticafieno. Ma, aimè, adesso non lo masticano più. Adesso li chiamiamo masticalepri, masticastarne, mangiabeccacce, mangiafagiani, mangiapollastri, mangiacapretti, mangiaconigli, mangiamaiali: non si nutrono d'altro».
«Merda, merda!» disse fra Giovanni. «L'anno che viene li chiameremo, Masticastronzi, Masticaflemma, Masticacacca. Non mi credete?»
«Magari!» rispose la brigata.
«Facciamo due cose» disse lui. «In primo luogo sequestriamo noi tutta questa selvaggina che vedete. Tanto più che sono arcistufo di carni salate: mi riscaldano gl'ipocondri. Pagando il dovuto, s'intende. In secondo luogo, torniamo allo Sportello e mettiamo a sacco tutta la baracca dei Gatti felpati».
«Senza dubbio... io non ci vengo» disse Panurgo. «Il fatto è che sono un po' codardo di natura».
CAPITOLO XV
Come fra Giovanni delibera di mettere a sacco i Gatti felpati
«Virtù della mia tonaca!» disse fra Giovanni. «Che razza di viaggio è mai questo? Qui non si fa che sloffiare, petare, cacare e fantasticare, e mai che succeda qualcosa. Io non ci sono tagliato. Io se di giorno non faccio venire una stretta di culo a un qualche gaglioffo, la notte non riesco a dormire. Mi avete dunque preso a compagno in questo viaggio solo per cantar messa e confessarvi? Pasqua di Dio! Il primo che non mi segue avrà per penitenza, a sconto delle pene del purgatorio, di gettarsi in fondo al mare come vile e poltrone; e intendo a testa in giù. Cos'altro diede ad Ercole fama e gloria sempiterna se non che lui, andando per il mondo di contrada in contrada, affrancava i popoli da tirannie, da errori, da pericoli e da angherie? Distrusse le Stinfalidi, l'Idra di Lerna, Anteo, i Centauri. Io non sono gran che dotto, ma i dotti lo dicono. Egli metteva a morte tutti i briganti, tutti i mostri, tutti i serpenti velenosi e le bestie malefiche. Perché non seguiamo il suo esempio e non facciamo come faceva lui per tutte le contrade dove andiamo? Facciamo come Ercole, per Dio! Distruggiamo questi Gatti felpati, queste orrende imitazioni del diavolo, e liberiamo il paese dalla loro tirannia. Se fossi forte e potente come lui, non vi domanderei né aiuto né consiglio; e rinnego Macone se non dico il vero. Andiamo dunque. Vi assicuro che li uccideremo facilmente e che essi lo sopporteranno con buona grazia. La cosa è certa, visto che hanno tollerato da noi più ingiurie che non berrebbero broda dieci troie».
«Di ingiurie e disonore non si curano» dissi io, «purché abbiano scudi nella borsa, fossero pure impiastrati di merda; e forse li distruggeremo. Ma sarei più tranquillo se avessimo la procura di Euristeo51; e niente più mi auguro a questo punto se non che Giove vada a passeggiare un paio di orette fra di loro con lo stesso bel garbo con cui rese visita una volta all'amata Semele, madre dell'ottimo Bacco; cioè scagliando fulmini da tutte le parti».
«Dio» disse Panurgo, «ci ha fatto la bella grazia di scampare alle loro unghie e per quanto sta in me io non ci torno. Sono ancora tutto scaravoltato per la gran battisoffia che mi era presa; e se volete sapere perché ero così sconvolto, le ragioni sono tre: la prima perché ero sconvolto, la seconda perché ero sconvolto, la terza perché continuavo ad essere sconvolto. Ascolta bene dall'orecchio destro, frate Giovanni, mio coglion sinistro: ogni volta che tu vorrai io sono pronto ad esserti compagno inseparabile, a passare con te Acheronte, Stige e Cocito, a bere a garganella l'acqua del Lete, a pagare per due il nolo della barca di Caronte; ma per tornare allo Sportello, se non vuoi tornarci solo, cercati un'altra compagnia. Io non ci torno: tienlo per fermo come un muro di bronzo. Se non ci sarò tirato per forza e per violenza, finché vivo questa vita, io non mi ci accosto più di quanto non si avvicini Calpe ad Abila52. Forse che Ulisse tornò a cercare la sua spada nella caverna del Ciclope? Allo Sportello io non ho dimenticato nulla e non ci torno».
«O grande cuore generoso e franco in salsa di coniglio!» disse frate Giovanni. «Ma parliamo un poco di scotto, dottor sottile53: perché non mi dici chi ti ha spinto a gettar loro quella borsa piena di scudi? Ne abbiamo forse troppi? Non bastava buttar là qualche testone rosicchiato?»
«Il fatto è» disse Panurgo, «che ogni quattro parole Mordigraffio apriva la sua borsa gridando. "Or qua, or qua, or qua!". Oro voleva! E io ho pensato che avremmo potuto filarcela liberi e franchi gettando loro or là, or là, per San Cristoforo or là, per tutti i diavoli là! Perché una borsa di velluto non è reliquiario da testoni e tanto meno da moneta spicciola: te ne rendi conto, frate Giovanni, mio coglioncello in fiore? Quando avrai fatto arrosti quanti ne ho fatto io e sarai stato arrostito quanto me, parlerai altro latino. L'ordine adesso è di sloggiare, e ircene conviene».
Ma quei gaglioffi di Grifoni erano sempre là sul molo in attesa di un po' di valsente, e vedendo che noi ci apprestavamo a far vela, si rivolsero a fra Giovanni avvertendolo di non andarsene senza aver provveduto al vino degli uscieri, in virtù del percento sulle spezie.
«Per la festa di San Traversone» tuonò fra Giovanni, «siete ancora lì? Non sono già abbastanza fuori dei gangheri per venirmi a sgangherare di più? Lo avrete, lo avrete il vostro vino, e in men che non si dica, corpo di Dio! O se lo avrete!». E, sguainata la spada, scendeva dalla nave deciso a stramazzarli senza pietà. Ma quelli partirono di galoppo e non si videro più.
I nostri guai, però, non erano finiti, perché alcuni marinai, col permesso di Pantagruele, erano scesi a un'osteria per banchettare e rinfrescarsi un po'. Io non so se avessero pagato o no lo scotto. Fatto si è che una vecchia ostessa, avendo sorpreso fra Giovanni a terra, gli si era appiccicata e non la finiva di rimostrare alla presenza di un Serrargento54, genero di uno dei Gatti felpati, con due ufficiali giudiziari per testimoni. Fra Giovanni, frastornato dai loro discorsi e argomentazioni, tagliò corto e disse:
«Fior di manigoldi, amici miei, volete forse insinuare che i nostri marinai non sono gente dabbene? Io sostengo il contrario e ve lo proverò con giustizia, cioè con questo temperino qui sul piatto del bilancino». E così dicendo mulinava la sua scimitarra.
Tutti se la filarono, meno la vecchia; la quale protestava a fra Giovanni che anzi i suoi marinai erano proprio dei bravi ragazzi; che lei lamentava soltanto che non avessero pagato nulla per il letto sul quale avevano riposato dopo desinare; e che per questo lei chiedeva soltanto cinque soldi tornesi.
«Veramente a buon mercato» disse fra Giovanni. «Se non l'hanno pagato sono degli ingrati e non ne troveranno facilmente un altro a così buon prezzo. Lo pago io volentieri. Ma prima vorrei vederlo».
La vecchia lo condusse all'osteria, gli mostrò il letto, e dopo averne magnificato tutte le qualità, disse che per cinque soldi non c'era dubbio che non fosse troppo caro.
Fra Giovanni le diede i cinque soldi, poi con la spada tagliò in due materasso e cuscini e prese a gettarne al vento le piume dalla finestra. La vecchia allora si precipitò di fuori urlando «Aiuto! All'assassino!», e si affannava inutilmente a riprendere a volo le sue piume. Fra Giovanni, non contento di ciò e senza essere visto da nessuno – essendo l'aria offuscata dalle piume come da neve – si portò via sulla nave le fodere, la coperta e due lenzuola, che donò ai marinai, dicendo a Pantagruele che da quelle parti i letti erano assai meno costosi che a Chinon, nonostante la piuma delle celebri oche di Pauthilé55. Infatti la vecchia gli aveva chiesto soltanto cinque soldi per un letto che in quel di Chinon, sarebbe costato non meno di dodici franchi56...
CAPITOLO XVI
Come passammo per Esagerazione57 e come Panurgo rischiò di lasciarci la pelle
Senza por tempo in mezzo, facemmo vela per Esagerazione con vento propizio e, strada facendo, raccontammo le nostre avventure a Pantagruele che non mancò di commiserarci grandemente e ne compose, per passatempo, alcune elegie.
Arrivati là, ci ristorammo un po' e facemmo provvista d'acqua fresca e anche di legna. All'aspetto, gli abitanti del luogo, Esagerati di nome e di fatto, ci parvero gente di allegra compagnia e amante della buona tavola. Erano tutti esagerati, abbottati da non dire e scoreggiavano di grasso; e ci accorgemmo (cosa mai veduta altrove) ch'essi si stagliuzzavano la pelle per dare sfogo al grasso, così come i milordini di Francia tagliuzzavano i loro pantaloni alla cintura per farne uscire gli sbuffi di taffettà. Essi dicevano di far ciò non per boria o ostentazione, ma perché altrimenti non sarebbero stati nella pelle. Così facendo, inoltre, diventavano grandi più presto. Non diversamente i giardinieri incidono la scorza delle giovani piante per farle crescere più rapidamente.
Nei pressi del porto c'era un'osteria invitante all'aspetto e dall'insegna fastosa, dove, vedendo accorrervi gran folla di Esagerati d'ogni sesso, età e condizione, pensammo si stesse celebrando un qualche festino o banchetto. Ma ci fu detto che si trattava di un invito al crepamento dell'oste e che tutti i vicini e i parenti prossimi e remoti vi si recavano con doverosa premura. Non avendo familiarità con il dialetto del luogo e stimando che in quello strano paese i festini si chiamassero crepamenti (come noi diciamo fidanzamento, trattenimento, tosamento, sacramento ecc.), fummo invece informati che l'oste era stato ai suoi tempi buon motteggiatore, gran crapulone, mangiatore assiduo di zuppe lionesi, regolatore d'orologi sull'ora dei pasti, ond'essere sempre a tavola come l'oste di Rouillac. E avendo già per dieci anni scoreggiato grasso, era pervenuto al suo crepamento; e secondo l'usanza del paese, finiva i suoi giorni crepando. Infatti, il suo peritoneo e la sua pelle sempre più stagliuzzati d'anno in anno non potevano più contenerne e trattenerne le trippe in modo che non gli uscissero fuori come da una botte sfasciata.
«E che, brava gente» disse Panurgo, «non potreste fasciargli il ventre appuntino con grosse e belle cinture, o bei cerchioni di corniolo o magari di ferro? Così cerchiato non caccerebbe fuori tanto facilmente le frattaglie e non creperebbe così presto». Ma non aveva finito di parlare che udimmo nell'aria uno schianto lacerante come se una grossa quercia si fosse spaccata in due. E dissero i vicini che il crepamento era avvenuto e che quello scoppio era il peto della morte.
Allora mi venne in mente il venerabile abate di Chastelliers, quello che non degnava biscottarsi le sue fantesche nisi in pontificalibus58 e che, importunato da amici e parenti affinché, da vecchio, rinunciasse all'Abbazia, disse e protestò che mai se ne sarebbe spogliato prima di andare a dormire e che l'ultima scoreggia della sua paternità sarebbe stata una scoreggia badiale59.
CAPITOLO XVII
Come la nostra nave si arenò e come fummo aiutati da alcuni viaggiatori amici della Quinta60
Salpate le nostre ancore e avendo continuato a veleggiare al dolce Zefiro per circa 22 miglia, si levò un furioso turbine di venti diversi, attorno al quale ci barcamenammo un po' con trinchetto e pappafichi, solo perché non si dicesse che volevamo saperla più lunga del pilota, il quale ci assicurava (vista la dolcezza dei venti, la loro gradevole mischia, nonché la serenità dell'aria e la tranquillità della corrente) che non c'era da sperare gran bene né da paventare gran male, e che pertanto faceva al caso nostro la sentenza del filosofo: sustine et abstine, cioè tienti forte e prendi tempo. Tuttavia, tanto durava quel turbine che alle nostre insistenze il pilota tentò di romperlo e di riprendere la nostra rotta. Di fatto, spiegando la grande vela d'artimone e volgendo il timone dritto all'ago della bussola, ne venimmo fuori grazie a una folata violenta e improvvisa; ma fu con lo stesso sconforto come se, evitando Scilla, fossimo caduti in Cariddi; perché a due miglia di là le nostre navi si arenarono tra banchi di sabbia non meno insidiosi di quelli del Raz di San Matteo61.
Tutta la nostra ciurma grandemente si contristava e il vento infuriato sembrava portarsi via le vele di mezzana. Ma fra Giovanni non cedette un momento allo sconforto, anzi consolava ora l'uno ora l'altro con dolci parole dicendo loro che presto avremmo avuto soccorso dal cielo e che già aveva visto Castore brillare in cima ai pennoni62.
«Piacesse a Dio» disse Panurgo, «che a quest'ora fossi coi piedi sopra la terra e niente più, e che tutti voi che amate tanto la marina vi trovaste in saccoccia un centinaio di scudi ciascuno. Io vi serberei un bel vitello in gabbia e vi rinverdirei un centinaio di fascine63 per il vostro ritorno. Guardate, sarei anche capace di rinunciare per sempre a sposarmi. Fate soltanto che possa toccar terra e che mi diano un cavallo per tornare a casa. Del valletto farò volentieri a meno. Non sono mai stato così ben servito come quando non ho valletti tra i piedi. Sicuramente Plauto non mentì quando disse che il numero delle nostre croci, noie e afflizioni è in proporzione del numero dei nostri servitori; fossero pure senza lingua, che è la parte più trista e pericolosa di un valletto e per la quale esclusivamente furono inventate le torture, le inquisizioni e la geenna: per i valletti e non per altri, sebbene di questi tempi, alcuni storcileggi, gente straniera, ne abbiano tratto conseguenze illogiche, cioè a dire irragionevoli»64.
Fu allora che vedemmo venire dritta verso di noi all'abbordaggio una nave carica di tamburi, sulla quale riconobbi alcuni passeggeri di nobile casato; fra questi Henry Cotiral65, vecchio buontempone, che portava alla cintura una gran verga d'asino come le donne portano il rosario, e nella mano sinistra teneva un grosso, grasso, vecchio e sudicio berretto da tignoso, e nella destra un gran torso di cavolo. Appena mi riconobbe gridò di gioia e mi disse:
«Vi sembra che non ne ho?66 Guardate qui» e mostrava la verga d'asino, «guardate il vero amalgama: e questo berretto dottorale è il nostro unico elisir; e questo», e mostrava il torso di cavolo, «è Lunaria major. La faremo al vostro ritorno»67.
«Ma voi» dissi io, «donde venite? Dove andate? Che cosa portate? Avete sentito il mare?»
Lui mi rispose:
«Dalla Quinta, in Turenna, Alchimia, fino al culo».
«E che gente avete» gli chiesi, «lì con voi sulla tolda?»
«Cantori» rispose, «musici, poeti, astrologi, rimaioli, geomanti, alchimisti, bagattini, orologiai; tutti al servizio della Quinta, e ne hanno attestati in pergamena belli e grandi».
Non aveva terminate queste parole quando Panurgo, indignato e disgustato, gli gridò:
«Ma voi che sapete fare tutto, compreso il bel tempo e i bambini, perché non prendete il cavo e non ci rimorchiate in mare senza perdere tempo?»
«Stavo per farlo» disse Cotiral. «Adesso, subito, istantaneamente sarete fuori dalle secche».
Ciò detto, fece sfondare da un lato 332.810 grossi tamburi e li fece legare alle gomene per quante ce n'erano, con la bocca rivolta al gagliardetto di mezzana; prese il nostro cavo di poppa e lo fissò alle bitte della sua nave; poi, al primo strattone, ci disincagliò dalle sabbie con grande facilità. E non senza divertimento, poiché il suono di quei tamburi, aggiuntovi il dolce murmure della rena e il celeuma68 della ciurma, rendeva una musica poco meno armoniosa di quella degli astri rotanti nel cielo, che Platone dice di avere udito certe notti, dormendo.
Non volendo apparire ingrati dopo un tal beneficio, spartimmo con loro le nostre anduglie, riempimmo i tamburi di salsicce e tirammo sul loro ponte sessantadue brocche di vino. Ma proprio allora due grandi capodogli abbordavano impetuosamente la loro nave rovesciandovi dentro più acqua di quanta non ne contenga la Vienna da Chinon a Saumur; sì che ne furono pieni tutti i loro tamburi, inzuppate tutte le antenne, e irrorate le loro braghe per la via del colletto. A tal vista Panurgo fu preso da una così smodata allegria e mise a tal prova la milza a forza di ridere che gli prese la colica e ne ebbe per più di due ore.
«Gli volevo dar del vino» diceva, «ma loro hanno preso l'acqua, e molto a proposito. Dell'acqua dolce non gliene importa perché l'adoprano solo per lavarsi le mani. Ma questa meravigliosa acqua salata gli servirà di borace, di nitro e sale d'ammonio per la cucina di Geber»69.
Nessun altro discorso ci fu possibile tenere con loro perché il turbine di prima toglieva al timoniere libertà di manovra. E il pilota ci pregò che d'ora in avanti gli lasciassimo guidare la nave, senza darci altro pensiero che di far baldoria: per il momento ci conveniva costeggiare il turbine e lasciarci portare dalla corrente, se volevamo giungere al reame della Quinta senza correre altri rischi.
CAPITOLO XVIII
Come arrivammo al regno della Quinta Essenza chiamata Entelechia
Avendo prudentemente costeggiato il turbine per mezza giornata, il terzo giorno l'aria ci parve più serena del solito e approdammo felicemente al porto di Mateotecnia70, poco distante dal palazzo della Quinta Essenza71.
Appena sbarcati, ci trovammo faccia a faccia con un gran numero di arcieri e uomini d'arme, schierati a guardia dell'arsenale. Sulle prime ci fecero quasi paura, perché ci obbligarono tutti a lasciare le nostre armi e presero a interrogarci in modo arrogante, dicendo:
«Compari, da che paese venite?»
«Bei cugini» rispose Panurgo, «noi siamo di Turenna. Ora veniamo di Francia, desiderosi di riverire la signora Quinta Essenza e visitare questo tanto celebrato reame di Entelechia»72.
«Come avete detto? Entelechia o Endelechia?»73.
«Cugini belli» disse Panurgo, «noi siamo gente semplice e di poche lettere. Perciò scuserete la rusticità del nostro linguaggio, ché per il resto siamo di cuore franco e leale.»
«Non è senza ragione» dissero, «che vi abbiamo interrogati su questa differenza, perché molti altri che venivano dal vostro paese di Turenna son passati di qua: parevano dei veri scorzoni e invece parlavano correttamente. Ma da un altro paese son capitati qui non sappiamo che gonfianuvole, arroganti come scozzesi, che appena arrivati si intestavano a voler disputare con noi; ma noi li abbiamo strigliati ben bene, con tutto che avevano la puzza sotto il naso. Possibile che voi nel vostro mondo abbiate tanto tempo da perdere da non sapere come impiegarlo se non a parlare, a disputare, a scrivere persino, e così impudentemente, di nostra signora la Regina? C'era proprio bisogno che Cicerone trascurasse le cure della Repubblica per impicciarsene, e con lui Diogene Laerzio, e Gaza, e Argiropulo, e Bessarione, e Poliziano, e Budé, e Lascaris, e tutti i diavoli di filosofi matti, che però non sarebbero stati abbastanza se non ci si fossero messi anche Scaligero, Bigot, Chambrier, Fleury e non so chi altri di questi coglioncelli scoglionati, che gli venga il malcaduco e che l'angina li strangoli con l'epiglottide! Noi li...»
«Che diamine!» disse Panurgo fra i denti. «Questo sì che fa le moine ai diavoli».
«...Voi non siete venuti qui per sostenerli nella loro follia e nessuno vi ci ha mandati per questo: perciò non parleremo più di costoro. Aristotele, primo fra gli uomini e paragone d'ogni filosofia, fu padrino della Regina nostra signora e molto bene a proposito la chiamò Entelechia. Entelechia è il suo vero nome e chi la chiama altrimenti se ne vada a cagare e sia condannato ad errare per tutti i cieli come un'anima in pena. Quanto a voi, siate le mille volte i ben venuti». E così ci accordarono l'abbraccio e ne fummo tutti contenti.
«Compagno» mi disse Panurgo in un'orecchia, «ma al primo chi va là, di questi giannizzeri, non hai avuto paura?»
«Un po'» risposi.
«E io molta di più dei soldati di Efraim quella volta che i Galaaditi furono uccisi e annegati per aver detto Sibboleth invece di Scibbolet74. E, per tacere il resto, non c'è protonotario in tutta la Beauce che sarebbe riuscito a ristopparmi il buco del culo nemmeno con una carrettata di fieno».
Poi il capitano ci condusse al palazzo della Regina, in silenzio e con grandi cerimonie. Pantagruele avrebbe voluto conversare con lui, ma quello non poteva arrivare fin lassù e si lagnava di non avere una scala o dei trampoli abbastanza grandi. Poi disse:
«Basta! Se la nostra signora Regina lo volesse, noi saremmo grandi quanto voi. Sarà per quando le piacerà».
Nelle prime gallerie incontrammo una gran turba di malati, raggruppati secondo le diverse malattie: i lebbrosi da soli, gli avvelenati da una parte, gli impestati da un'altra, i vaiolosi in prima fila, e così via tutti gli altri.
CAPITOLO XIX
Come la Quinta Essenza guariva i malati con canzoni
Nella seconda galleria il capitano ci mostrò la Regina: giovane (e sì che aveva milleottocento anni almeno), bella, delicata, sfarzosamente vestita, in mezzo alle sue damigelle e gentiluomini. Il capitano ci disse:
«Non è il momento di parlarle. Sarete soltanto spettatori attenti di ciò ch'ella fa. Voi, nel vostro reame, avete certi re i quali, fantasticamente, guariscono da alcune malattie – come scrofola, mal caduco, febbri quartane e gangole – con la sola imposizione delle mani75. Questa nostra Signora guarisce ogni e qualsiasi malattia senza toccare i malati, ma soltanto suonando loro una canzone adatta alla natura del male». Poi ci mostrò degli organi suonando i quali essa compiva le sue mirabili guarigioni.
Erano organi di fattura assai strana. Le canne erano fatte di bastoncelli di cassia, il cassone di guaiaco, i tasti di rabarbaro, i pedali di turbitto, la tastiera di scamonia.
Mentre noi consideravamo l'inusitata e mirabile struttura di questi organi, dai suoi Astrattori, Spodizzatori, Massiteri, Pregusti, Tabachin, Chachamin, Videmanin, Rabieban, Nerein, Rozuin, Medibin, Mebim, Siborim76 e altri vecchi uffiziali di corte, furono introdotti i lebbrosi. La Regina suonò per loro una canzone, non so quale, e tutti furono subitamente guariti.
Poi furono introdotti gli avvelenati. Essa suonò per loro un'altra canzone, ed eccoli tutti in piedi. Poi fu la volta dei ciechi, dei sordi, dei muti e persino degli apoplettici. Il che, non a torto, ci riempì di spavento. Cademmo a terra e vi restammo come estatici e rapiti in ammirazione sconfinata delle virtù che avevamo visto procedere dalla gran Dama; e non era in nostro potere di profferir parola.
Eravamo così prostrati a terra quando essa, toccando Pantagruele con certe rose che aveva in mano, ci restituì il sentimento e ci rimise in piedi. Poi con parole di bisso – quali Parisatide le voleva intessute per ogni detto rivolto al figlio Ciro77 – o fors'anche di taffettà ermisino, ci disse:
«L'onestà scintillante che s'irradia dalla circonferenza delle vostre persone mi dà contezza certa della virtù latente nel centro dei vostri spiriti; e al vedere la soavità squisita delle vostre diserte riverenze, facilmente mi persuado che il vostro cuore non patisce ombra di vizio né inaridimento veruno del sapere liberale e sovrano; che anzi vi albergano in gran copia discipline peregrine e rare, le quali oggidì, viste le usanze comuni del volgo profano, è più facile ambire che incontrare. Ed è questa la ragione per la quale io, pur così ferma in passato nel reprimere ogni mio sentimento personale, non posso ora tenermi dal dire a voi una parola volgare e a tutti comune nel mondo: cioè che siete i benvenuti, i benvenutissimi, i più che mille volte benvenuti».
«Io non son clerico nemmeno un po'» mi disse segretamente Panurgo. «Rispondi tu se te la senti».
Io tuttavia non risposi, né rispose Pantagruele, e restavamo in silenzio. Allora la Regina disse:
«Da questa vostra taciturnità io comprendo che non soltanto siete usciti dalla scuola di Pitagora, dalla quale prese radice per successive filiazioni l'antichità dei miei progenitori, ma altresì che in Egitto, celeberrima officina d'alta filosofia, vi siete, per molte lune retrograde78, morsicate le unghie e grattata la testa con il dito79. Nella scuola di Pitagora, taciturnità era simbolo di conoscenza; presso gli Egizi il silenzio era tenuto per segno di deifica sublimazione; e a Hieropoli i Pontefici sacrificavano al gran Dio in silenzio, senza far rumore né profferir parola. Il mio disegno non è di apparire a voi in privazione di gratitudine, anzi per viva formalità, ancorché materia si volesse astrarre da me, i miei pensieri distrarre per voi dal loro centro».
Finito questo discorso, si rivolse ai suoi uffiziali e disse loro semplicemente:
«Tabachin, a Panacea!»
Allora i Tabachin, ci dissero di avere per iscusata la Regina se noi non eravamo ammessi alla sua mensa, perché, per desinare, lei non mangiava altro che un po' di categorie, nonché jecabot, eminin, dimion, astrazioni, arborin, chelimin, seconde intenzioni, carabot, antitesi, metempsicosi e prolessi trascendenti80. Poi ci condussero in un piccolo tinello tutto contrappuntato di ammonimenti e là fummo trattati Dio sa come.
Si dice che Giove, sulla pelle pergamenata della capra che lo allattò in Candia (della quale poi si era valso come testuggine nella battaglia contro i Titani, ond'è soprannominato Egioco), scrivesse tutto ciò che si fa nel mondo. In fede mia, bevitori miei cari, non basterebbero diciotto pelli di capra per descriverci su le buone pietanze che ci servirono, i tramessi che ci offrirono, l'imbandigione che ci fu allestita, neanche se la scrittura fosse così minuta come quella dell'Iliade di Omero che Cicerone dice di aver visto81, scritta così in piccolo che la si poteva coprire con un guscio di noce. Per parte mia, avessi pure cento lingue, cento bocche, la voce di ferro82 e la melliflua facondia di Platone, non saprei in quattro libri esporvene la terza parte della metà. E Pantagruele mi disse che, a quanto gli era dato immaginare, la Regina, dicendo «A Panacea» ai Tabachin aveva semplicemente pronunciata la parola convenuta per significare imbandigione sovrana; così come Lucullo, volendo festeggiare in modo particolare gli amici, quand'anche lo cogliessero alla sprovvista, come fecero una volta Cicerone ed Ortensio, diceva semplicemente: «In Apollo»83.
CAPITOLO XX
Come la Regina passava il tempo dopo desinare
Terminato il desinare, fummo condotti da un Chachamin nella sala del trono dove la Regina, secondo il suo costume dopo il pasto, accompagnata dalle sue damigelle e dai principi di corte, passava, setacciava, crivellava, filtrava e garbellava il tempo con una grande e bella Stamigna di seta bianca e blu. Poi, rinnovando usanze dei tempi antichi, ballarono insieme
la Cordace, | il Calabrisma,
---|---
l'Emmelia, | la Molossica,
la Sicinnia, | la Cernofora,
la Giambica, | la Mongas,
la Persiana, | la Termanstria,
la Frigia, | la Florula,
il Nicatisma, | la Pirrica,
la Tracia, | e mille altre danze.
Poi, a suo comando, visitammo il Palazzo e vedemmo cose tanto inusitate, ammirevoli e strane che, ripensandoci, il mio spirito ne è tuttora rapito. Nulla tuttavia ci apparve più ammirevole e sconvolgente che le funzioni dei gentiluomini della sua casa, Astrattori, Perazon, Medibin, Spodizzatori e altri, i quali ci dissero francamente, senza dissimulazione, che la Regina riserbava a sé tutto l'impossibile e guariva soltanto gli incurabili; mentre loro, suoi gentiluomini e officiali, curavano e guarivano il resto.
Là vidi un giovane Perazon guarire i malati di sifilide, dico della più fina, come voi direste di quella di Rouen84, solamente toccando loro tre volte la vertebra dentiforme con una scheggia di zoccolo.
Vidi un altro guarire perfettamente idropici, timpanitici, ascitici e ansarchici, colpendo loro il ventre nove volte con una bipenne tenedia85 senza produrvi ferita86.
Uno guariva all'istante tutte le febbri quartane soltanto attaccando alla cintura dei quartenari, sul lato sinistro, una coda di volpe che i Greci chiamano alopex.
Uno, dal mal di denti, solo col lavare tre volte la radice del dente malato87 con aceto di sambuco e facendola asciugare al sole per mezz'ora.
Un altro, ogni specie di gotta, fosse calda o fredda, naturale o accidentale, solo facendo ai gottosi chiudere la bocca e aprire gli occhi.
Un altro vidi, il quale, in poche ore guarì nove bravi gentiluomini del male di San Francesco emendandoli da tutti i debiti e mettendo a ciascuno una corda al collo, dalla quale pendeva uno scrigno con dieci scudi del sole.
Un altro, con mirifico espediente, gettava le case dalle finestre: così venivano disinfestate dall'aria pestilente.
Un altro guariva tutte e tre le forme di febbri etiche, atrofizzanti, estenuanti ed emacianti, senza bagni, senza latte di Stabia, senza merdocco88, né depilatorio, né altro medicamento: solo col farli monaci per tre mesi. E ci assicurava che se non ingrassavano nello stato monacale, non sarebbero ingrassati mai più né per arte né per natura.
Un altro vidi con seguito di donne in gran numero, divise in due schiere: l'una era di giovinette, paffutelle, biondette, tenerelle, graziosette e, mi sembrava, di buona volontà; l'altra di vecchie sdentate, cispose, rugose, nerastre, cadaverose. Qui fu detto a Pantagruele che quello rifondeva le vecchie facendole con l'arte sua ringiovanire e divenire eguali alle fanciulle là presenti, le quali egli aveva quel giorno stesso rifuso intieramente, restituendo loro la stessa beltà, pienezza, eleganza, grandezza e armonia delle membra che possedevano all'età fra i quindici e i sedici anni: eccettuati soltanto i talloni che restavano loro più corti di quanto non fossero nella prima giovinezza. Ragion per cui d'ora in avanti, ad ogni incontro con gli uomini, sarebbero state molto cedevoli e soggette a cadere all'indietro.
La banda delle vecchie aspettava l'altra infornata con grande devozione e importunavano a gara l'uffiziale adducendo essere cosa intollerabile in natura quando a culo di buona volontà vien meno la bellezza. E aveva costui nella sua arte clientela inesauribile e guadagno più che mediocre.
Alla domanda di Pantagruele, se anche agli uomini vecchi era dato di ringiovanire per via di rifusione, fu risposto che no; ma che i vecchi tuttavia avevan modo di rinverdire perfettamente coabitando con donna rifusa; perché così si pigliano quella quinta specie di lue venerea chiamata la Pelata, in greco Ophiasis, per cui mutano pelo e pelle come fanno annualmente i serpenti e si rinnova in essi la giovinezza come nell'Araba Fenice. Quella era dunque la vera fontana di giovinezza.
Là, subitamente, chi vi entra vecchio e decrepito, diventa giovane, allegro ed arzillo; come Euripide narra essere avvenuto a Jolao; come avvenne al bel Faone, tanto amato da Saffo, per beneficio di Venere; a Titone, grazie ad Aurora; a Esone, per l'arte di Medea, e parimenti a Giasone, che, secondo la testimonianza di Ferecide e di Simonide, fu da costei ricucinato e ringiovanito; e come Eschilo dice essere avvenuto alle nutrici del buon Bacco e ai loro mariti puranche.
CAPITOLO XXI
Come gli uffiziali della Quinta diversamente s'industriavano e come la Regina ci trattenne presso di sé in qualità di Astrattori
Io vidi poi gran numero dei suddetti uffiziali i quali candeggiavano gli Etiopi in brev'ora soltanto strofinandogli il ventre con il fondo di un paniere.
Altri con tre coppie di volpi aggiogate aravano la riva sabbiosa e la loro semente non andava perduta.
Altri lavavano le tegole e le facevano scolorire.
Altri tiravano acqua dai pumici che voi chiamate pietre pomici e la pestavano a lungo in un mortaio mutandone la sostanza.
Altri tosavano gli asini e ne cavavano buonissima lana.
Altri coglievano grappoli dai rovi e fichi dai cardi.
Altri mungevano latte dai caproni e lo raccoglievano in un crivello con grande profitto della famiglia.
Altri lavavano la testa agli asini senza rimetterci il ranno né il sapone.
Altri davano la caccia al vento con le reti e vi prendevano granchi decumani.
E vidi un giovane Spodizzatore che traeva peti artificiali da un asino morto e li vendeva a cinque soldi l'auna.
Un altro metteva a frollare le astrazioni. O la mirifica vivanda!
Ma Panurgo vomitò sconciamente l'anima sua vedendo un Archasdapernin che faceva imputridire un gran doglio di orina umana con sterco di cavallo e una gran quantità di merda cristiana: il sudicione! Lui però rispose che con quella sacra distillazione abbeverava grandi principi e re, allungando così la loro vita di una buona tesa o due.
Altri di niente facevano grandi cose e grandi cose facevano tornare in niente.
Altri rompevano le anduglie alle ginocchia89.
Altri scorticavano le anguille a cominciare dalla coda e queste anguille non strillavano prima di essere scorticate come fanno invece quelle di Melun90.
Altri tagliavano il fuoco con un coltello e tiravano l'acqua con una reticella.
Altri di vesciche facevano lanterne e di nuvole padelle.
Altri facevano di necessità virtù; e mi pareva cosa buona e assai conveniente.
Altri facevano l'alchimia coi denti e così facendo riempivano piuttosto male le seggette.
Altri in un lungo viale misuravano accuratamente i salti delle pulci, e sostenevano essere quest'operazione più che necessaria al governo dei regni, alla condotta delle guerre e all'amministrazione delle repubbliche, adducendo che Aristotele, il quale per primo aveva tratto la filosofia dal cielo sopra la terra e da oziosa e stravagante che era l'aveva resa utile e benefica, impiegava la metà del suo tempo a misurare i salti delle pulci, come attesta Aristofane il quintessenziale.
Vidi due Giborim che se ne stavano soli in cima ad una torre come di sentinella; e ci fu detto che guardavano la luna dai lupi. E altri ne vidi appartati in un giardino, che disputavano aspramente fra loro e sul punto di prendersi per i capelli. Avendo chiesto donde nasceva la loro controversia, appresi ch'eran già quattro giorni ch'erano lì a discutere su tre questioni molto elevate e metafisiche, dalla cui soluzione essi si ripromettevano montagne d'oro. La prima riguardava l'ombra di una verga d'asino in amore; la seconda il fumo di una lanterna; la terza se il pel di capra fosse lana o no91. Poi ci fu detto non sembrare loro cosa strana che due contraddittorie fossero vere in forma e modo, figura e tempo: cosa che i sofisti di Parigi si farebbero sbattezzare piuttosto che confessarla.
Mentre consideravamo le ammirevoli operazioni di tutti costoro, sopravvenne la Regina con la sua nobile compagnia, e già riluceva la chiara stella della sera.
Al suo apparire restammo di nuovo sbigottiti nei sensi e abbagliati nella vista. Ella s'avvide ben tosto del nostro smarrimento e ci disse:
«Ciò che fa gli umani pensamenti smarrirsi negli abissi dell'ammirazione non è l'eccellenza degli effetti, che son visti per prova palesemente nascere da cause naturali grazie all'industria dei sagaci artigiani: è la novità dell'esperienza che subitamente penetra nei sensi non mai prima avvertiti della facilità dell'opera allorché in essa, a giudizio sereno, studio diligente s'accoppia. Tornate dunque in voi stessi e d'ogni paura spogliatevi, se da paura alcuna siete pervasi, considerando ciò che vedete essere fatto dai miei uffiziali. Guardate, intendete, contemplate a vostro libero arbitrio tutto ciò che la mia casa contiene, affrancandovi poco a poco dal servaggio dell'ignoranza. Il caso ben s'accorda con la mia volontà, e per darvene sincera testimonianza in considerazione degli studiosi aneliti onde mi sembrate aver fatto nei vostri cuori insigne spicilegio, io qui vi conferisco la dignità e l'uffizio di miei Astrattori. Geber, mio primo Tabachin, vi assegnerà come tali al vostro dipartimento».
Noi la ringraziammo umilmente senza dir parola, e accettammo l'incarico e l'alta dignità che benignamente ci conferiva.
CAPITOLO XXII
Come la Regina fu servita a cena e in qual modo essa mangiava
Finito questo discorso, la Regina si volse ai suoi gentiluomini e disse loro: «L'orifizio dello stomaco, comune ambasciatore pel vettovagliamento di tutte le membra, sia inferiori sia superiori, ci sollecita a ristorarle, con apposizione di idonei alimenti, di ciò che fu loro sottratto per l'azione del nativo calore sull'umidità radicale. Spodizzatori, Chelimin, Enimin e Perazon, non è che a voi la cura a che le tavole siano prontamente imbandite e strabocchevoli d'ogni legittima specie di ristorativi. Quanto a voi, miei nobili Pregusti, assistiti dai gentili Massiteri, la prova provata della vostra perizia, ornata di premura e diligenza, fa sì che io non debba pregarvi di ordinare che non siavi disordine nei vostri offici: soltanto vi rammento di fare ciò che fate»92.
Detto questo, si ritirò per qualche tempo con le sue damigelle, e ci fu detto ch'era per prendere un bagno, conforme l'abitudine degli antichi, tanto comune quanto oggi da noi lavarci le mani prima dei pasti. Poi le tavole furono ricoperte di tovaglie preziosissime.
L'ordine del servizio fu tale che la Regina d'altro non si cibò che di celeste ambrosia e altro non bevve che nettare divino; ma i signori e le dame della sua corte furono, e noi con loro, serviti di vivande rare, ghiotte e preziose, tali che nemmeno Alpicio93 mai se le sognò.
Al levar delle mense, per il caso che la fame ancor non desse tregua, fu portato un pot-pourri di tale vastità e grandezza che il platano d'oro donato al re Dario da Pizio Bitinio94 l'avrebbe appena ricoperto. La gran pentola era piena di zuppe di vario genere, nonché insalate, salse, intingoli, capretti allo spiedo, arrosti, bolliti, carbonate, gran pezzi di bue salato, prosciutti stravecchi, pasticceria, un mondo di cuscus alla moresca, tartine e formaggi, giuncate, gelatine, frutti d'ogni sorta. ll tutto mi sembrava ottimo e ghiotto, tuttavia non ne assaggiai, essendo già ben disfamato e sazio. Soltanto devo avvertirvi che vidi là dei pasticci alla crosta, cosa ben rara, e che i pasticci alla crosta eran pasticci in pentola95. Al fondo notai una quantità di dadi, carte, tarocchi, tarocchini, scacchi e scacchiere con ciotole piene di scudi del sole per chi volesse giocare. E sotto finalmente scorsi numerose mule ben bardate, con gualdrappe di velluto, e chinee egualmente, per uomini e per donne; e non so quante lussuose lettighe, e qualche cocchio alla ferrarese per chi avesse voluto uscire a spasso.
Ciò non mi parve strano. Invece trovai sorprendente il modo come mangiava la Regina. Essa non masticava nulla. Non già che non avesse denti forti e sani; non già che le sue vivande non richiedessero masticazione; ma tale era l'uso e costume suo. Le vivande, non appena assaggiate dai suoi Pregusti, le prendevano i suoi Massiteri che molto nobilmente gliele masticavano, avendo la strozza foderata di raso cremisino, con piccole nervature e canutiglie d'oro, e denti d'avorio molto belli e bianchi. Poi le vivande, masticate a puntino, gliele colavano giù per un imbuto d'oro fin dentro lo stomaco. Per la stessa ragione ci fu detto ch'essa non andava del corpo se non per procura.
CAPITOLO XXIII
Come, in presenza della Quinta, fu eseguito un festoso ballo a guisa di torneo
Dopo cena, alla presenza della Regina, fu eseguito un ballo a guisa di torneo, degno non soltanto d'essere ammirato, ma anche di eterna memoria.
Per cominciare, fu disteso sul pavimento della sala un grande tappeto vellutato a forma di scacchiera, cioè disegnato a scacchi, metà bianchi e metà blu, di tre palmi di lato ciascuno e tutti perfettamente squadrati. Entrarono poi nella sala trentadue giovani personaggi, dei quali sedici erano vestiti di drappo blu. Ed erano: otto giovani Ninfe così come le dipingevano gli antichi in compagnia di Diana; un Re, una Regina, due guardiani della torre, due cavalieri e due arcieri. Nello stesso ordine entrarono gli altri sedici, ma vestiti di damasco bianco96 e tutti si disposero sul tappeto come segue:
I Re si tennero sull'ultima linea, nel quarto scacco, di modo che il Re blu era sul bianco e il Re bianco sul blu; le Regine al fianco dei loro Re, quella in blu sul blu, quella in bianco sul bianco; a fianco dei sovrani i due giovani arcieri, come guardie addette alle loro persone; presso gli arcieri i due cavalieri e accanto a loro le due scolte97; nella fila vicina, davanti a tutti, le otto Ninfe98.
Ciascuna schiera aveva dalla sua parte i rispettivi musici vestiti di identica livrea, gli uni di damasco blu, gli altri di damasco bianco; ed erano otto per parte, con istrumenti tutti diversi, di gioiosa invenzione, concordi e melodiosi a meraviglia, mutevoli di tono, tempo e cadenza secondo lo svolgimento del ballo; il che mi parve ammirevole, vista la varietà dei passi, delle mosse, dei salti, soprassalti, fughe, ritorni, imboscate, ritirate e sorprese.
Ma ciò che ancor più mi pareva trascendere l'umana immaginazione era la prontezza delle persone del ballo nell'intendere le cadenze della musica che ne accompagnava l'avanzare e il ritirarsi, onde ancora non era spento il suono inteso a significarglielo ch'essi già si portavano al posto designato, nonostante la grande varietà dei loro movimenti.
Infatti le Ninfe, che sono schierate in prima fila come impazienti di dar battaglia, muovono contro i nemici dritte in avanti, scacco dopo scacco, salvo la prima mossa nella quale è loro concesso di avanzare di due scacchi, e a differenza di tutti gli altri non retrocedono mai. Se avviene che una di esse raggiunga la fila del Re nemico, allora è incoronata Regina dal suo Re e quindi cattura i nemici e manovra con tutti i privilegi del suo rango. Altrimenti non colpiscono che in linea diagonale, obliquamente e soltanto in avanti. Né ad esse né ad altri è tuttavia concesso di abbattere un nemico se, ciò facendo, lasciano indifeso e prigioniero il proprio Re.
I Re si muovono e cacciano i nemici da tutte le parti del quadrato, passando però soltanto dallo scacco bianco al blu contiguo e viceversa; salvo che, alla prima mossa, se la loro fila si trova sgombra d'altri uffiziali, eccetto le scolte, essi possono prenderne il posto riparandosi dietro di loro.
Le Regine manovrano e colpiscono con maggior libertà di tutti gli altri, cioè in ogni punto e in qualsiasi maniera, in linea retta, a qualunque distanza loro accomodi, purché il tragitto non sia occupato da uno dei loro, ed anche in diagonale, purché non escano dal colore di partenza. Gli arcieri marciano in avanti come all'indietro, e lontano quanto vogliono, ma non variano mai il colore della loro prima posizione.
I cavalieri si muovono e colpiscono ad angolo retto, saltando un primo scacco liberamente anche se occupato da uno dei loro e da un nemico, e al secondo si posano a destra o a sinistra cambiando colore: un salto assai insidioso per la parte avversa e che richiede grande vigilanza perché essi non attaccano mai a viso aperto.
Le scolte muovono e attaccano di fronte, tanto a destra quanto a sinistra, tanto in avanti quanto all'indietro, come i Re; e possono inoltrarsi quanto vogliono, se il percorso è libero: cosa che invece ai Re non è possibile.
Regola comune alle due fazioni e fine ultimo del torneo è di assediare e stringere il Re avversario in modo che non abbia scampo né da una parte né dall'altra. Così circondato e non potendo fuggire né essere soccorso dai suoi, questo Re si considera perdente e cessa il combattimento. Per proteggerlo da questa iattura non v'è alcuno della sua schiera che non offra la sua vita, e tutti si battono fra loro accorrendo da ogni parte, sempre a tempo di musica.
Quando alcuno fa prigioniero un avversario, gli dà un colpetto sulla mano destra invitandolo a uscire dal tappeto e subentrando al suo posto.
Se accade che un Re sia sorpreso allo scoperto, non è consentito alla parte avversa di catturarlo. Anzi è d'obbligo rigoroso fargli profonda riverenza e avvertirlo dicendo: «Dio vi guardi!», affinché sia soccorso dai suoi uffiziali o altrimenti muti posizione. In ogni caso non viene rimosso, e l'avversario, il ginocchio sinistro a terra, lo saluta con le parole: «Buongiorno a Voi». E così ha termine il torneo.
CAPITOLO XXIV
Come combattono i trentadue personaggi del ballo99
Ordinate così le due compagnie sulle loro posizioni, i musici cominciarono a suonare tutti insieme con intonazione marziale e molto terribilmente come incitando all'assalto. Allora vedemmo le due schiere fremere ed assestarsi per meglio combattere al momento dello scontro, quando fossero chiamate alla sortita.
D'improvviso i musici della schiera bianca si tacquero continuando a suonare soltanto quelli dell'altra schiera: segno che questa era sul punto di attaccare come di fatto avvenne di lì a un momento. A un cambiamento di tono della musica vedemmo che la Ninfa accampata davanti alla Regina blu si volgeva indietro a sinistra verso il proprio Re come per chiedergli licenza di entrare in battaglia, salutando insieme tutta la compagnia. Poi avanzò di due scacchi, senza iattanza e facendo d'un piede riverenza alla schiera avversaria che andava ad assalire. Cessarono quindi i musici blu e ripresero i bianchi (da notare che la Ninfa, volgendosi, aveva salutato il suo Re e tutta la compagnia per incitarli all'azione, ed essi similmente la risalutarono compiendo un giro intero a sinistra; eccetto la Regina, la quale si volse a destra verso il suo Re; e questo saluto fu da tutti i partecipanti osservato per tutto lo svolgimento del ballo, e così la risposta al saluto, sia da una parte sia dall'altra).
Al segnale dunque dei musici bianchi, anche la Ninfa bianca accampata davanti alla Regina avanzò salutando graziosamente il suo Re e tutta la compagnia, e risalutandola loro come detto dell'altra schiera, con la differenza che questi si volgevano a destra e la Regina a sinistra; si fermò sul secondo riquadro trovandosi faccia a faccia con la Ninfa blu, e così ristettero come pronte a darsi battaglia, salvo che a loro non è dato colpire se non in diagonale. Le loro compagne, sia blu sia bianche, le seguivano in figura intercalare e con atteggiamenti bellicosi: tanto che la Ninfa blu entrata in campo per prima, battendo sulla mano di una Ninfa bianca alla sua sinistra, la metteva fuori campo occupando il suo posto. Ma ben presto, a un nuovo segnale dei musici, essa fu battuta a sua volta dall'Arciere bianco. Una Ninfa blu lo costrinse a ritirarsi; il Cavaliere bianco uscì in campo; la Regina blu si piazzò davanti al suo Re.
Allora il Re dei Bianchi, temendo la furia della Regina blu, si ritirava al riparo della sua Scolta di destra: posizione che appariva munitissima e ben difesa.
I due Cavalieri accampati a sinistra, sia il bianco sia blu, avanzano e fanno molti vuoti fra le Ninfe avversarie che non possono retrocedere: soprattutto il Cavaliere blu, il quale sembra non curarsi d'altro che di dar loro la caccia. Ma il Cavaliere bianco medita cose più importanti: dissimulando i suoi piani e fingendo di non vedere alcune Ninfe blu che avrebbe potuto catturare per via, passa oltre fino ad incalzare il nemico da presso, e tanto fa che riesce a raggiungere un punto dal quale saluta il Re avversario e dice: «Dio vi guardi!».
A questo avvertimento tutta la banda dei Blu è corsa da un fremito: non già che non possano facilmente e prontamente soccorrere il proprio Re, ma perché, salvando il Re, dovranno dar perduta la Scolta di destra irrimediabilmente. Pertanto il Re dei Blu si ritirò a sinistra e il Cavaliere bianco ne catturò la Scolta. Era una grave perdita. Ma ecco che la schiera blu, decisa a farne vendetta, circonda il Cavaliere da tutte le parti affinché non possa ritirarsi né comunque scampare. Egli fa mille sforzi per uscirne, i suoi inventano mille astuzie per salvarlo, ma alla fine la Regina blu lo cattura.
La schiera blu, perduto uno dei suoi sostegni, ce la mette tutta, cercando, per dritto e per traverso, di farne vendetta; e andando così allo sbaraglio infligge gravi perdite all'oste nemica. I Bianchi dissimulano e temporeggiano in attesa dell'occasione propizia e presentano una loro Ninfa alla Regina blu avendole teso un'imboscata segreta, tanto che alla cattura della Ninfa poco mancò che l'Arciere blu non sorprendesse la Regina bianca.
Il Cavaliere blu tenta l'attacco al Re dei Bianchi e alla sua Regina. Dice: «Buongiorno a Voi». L'Arciere bianco li salva; viene preso da una Ninfa blu; questa vien presa da una Ninfa bianca.
La battaglia è aspra. Le Scolte scendono in campo anche loro per dar man forte ai compagni. La mischia è generale e pericolosa per tutti. L'esito ancora incerto.
Ecco che i Bianchi si aprono un varco nello schieramento nemico fino alla tenda del Re dei Blu, ma subito ne sono respinti. Fra gli altri, la Regina blu fa grandi prodezze. In una sola sortita cattura l'Arciere e poi, con rapida conversione, la Scolta dei Bianchi. Il che vedendo, la Regina bianca si mette alla testa dei suoi e folgorando con eguale ardimento cattura l'ultima Scolta dei Blu e qualche Ninfa per giunta.
Le due Regine combatterono a lungo, parte cercando di sorprendersi a vicenda, parte per tirarsi in salvo e proteggere i loro Re. Finalmente la Regina blu catturò la bianca, ma subito dopo fu catturata a sua volta dall'Arciere bianco. A questo punto al Re blu restavano solamente tre Ninfe, un Arciere, una Scolta; al bianco, tre Ninfe e il Cavaliere di destra; per cui da quel momento presero a combattere più lentamente e con maggiori cautele.
I due Re apparivano addolorati per aver perduto le loro dame Regine tanto amate, ed ogni loro studio e sforzo era inteso, adesso, ad elevarne altre a eguale dignità con nuove nozze, ad amarle gioiosamente, con promesse giurate di incoronarle se fossero riuscite ad avanzare fino all'ultima retrovia del Re nemico.
Le Ninfe blu sono in vantaggio, e ad una di esse, creata Regina novella, viene imposta la corona e le si porge un nuovo costume.
Anche le Bianche incalzano; e ad una di loro non mancava più di un passo per essere eletta nuova Regina. Ma lì c'era in agguato la Scolta dei Blu, così che la Ninfa bianca deve arrestarsi e rinunciare.
La nuova Regina blu voleva mostrarsi, al suo avvento, forte, valente e bellicosa e compì grandi gesta per tutto il campo. Ma intanto il Cavaliere bianco toglie di mezzo la Scolta dei Blu che stava di guardia ai confini dell'accampamento, e per tal modo anche i Bianchi hanno una nuova Regina la quale, anche lei vuol celebrare il proprio avvento facendo prova di virtù guerriere. La battaglia si riaccende più ardente di prima. Mille astuzie, mille assalti, mille finte si susseguono dall'una e dall'altra parte; fintanto che la Regina dei Bianchi entra clandestinamente nella tenda del Re dei Blu dicendo: «Dio vi guardi!». E il Re assalito sarebbe rimasto senza difesa se non fosse stato per il valore della nuova Regina, la quale non esitò ad esporsi per trarlo in salvo.
Allora il Cavaliere bianco, volteggiando da tutte le parti, raggiunse la sua Regina e insieme misero il Re dei Blu in tali difficoltà che per salvarsi gli convenne perdere la Regina, accontentandosi, in cambio, di catturare il Cavaliere bianco. Ciononostante, l'Arciere blu, insieme alle due Ninfe superstiti della sua schiera, si adoperava con ogni possa a difendere il proprio Re. Ma alla fine furon tutti presi e messi fuori gioco, e il Re dei Blu rimase solo.
Allora, da tutta la schiera avversaria gli fu detto con profonda riverenza: «Buongiorno a voi!», proclamandosi così vincitore il Re dei Bianchi.
A quel saluto, infatti, i musici d'ambo le schiere cominciarono a suonare insieme come in segno di vittoria; e prese fine quel primo ballo con così grande allegrezza, con gesti sì piacevoli, contegno sì onesto, grazie sì rare, che i nostri spiriti ne furon colmi di ridente beatitudine, come rapiti in estasi; e non a torto ci pareva di essere assunti alle delizie sovrane, all'estrema felicità del cielo Olimpio.
Finito il primo torneo, le due schiere tornarono alle posizioni di partenza e ripresero a combattere allo stesso modo di prima, salvo che la musica era più rapida di un mezzo tempo e anche lo svolgimento del ballo del tutto diverso dal precedente.
E qui vidi che la Regina blu, come irritata per la disfatta della propria armata e assecondata dal tono della musica che a questo la chiamava, scese in campo fra i primi con un Arciere e un Cavaliere, e poco mancò che non sorprendesse il Re dei Bianchi nella sua tenda con tutti i suoi uffiziali. Poi, vedendo scoperto il suo disegno, prese a scaramucciare fra le soldatesche e fece un tale sterminio di Ninfe bianche e di altri guerrieri ch'era una pietà a vedersi. E l'avreste detta un'altra Pentesilea, un'Amazzone folgorante fra le schiere dei Greci. Ma ben poco durò questo sconquasso, ché i Bianchi, frementi per la perdita dei loro, lanciarono occultamente in imboscata nell'angolo più lontano un Arciere e un Cavaliere errante, i quali presero la Regina mettendola fuori gioco. E i restanti furono ben presto sgominati. Un'altra volta sarà più accorta, si terrà vicina al suo Re, non se ne scosterà più del necessario e, quando le convenga andare, andrà con ben altra scorta. Intanto i Bianchi erano vincitori ancora una volta.
Per il terzo ed ultimo ballo, le due schiere si disposero in ordine come prima, mentre tutti apparivano in volto più allegri e risoluti che nei due balli precedenti. E il ritmo della musica fu accelerato ancor più che di mezza misura, con intonazione frigia e guerriera, simile a quella inventata un tempo da Marsia.
Cominciarono dunque a volteggiare e ad avanzare in campo a suon di musica e con tale leggerezza che per ogni battuta facevan quattro mosse con tutte le riverenze e le evoluzioni prescritte come detto più sopra: di modo che non era che un continuo, reciproco ed unico intreccio di salti, sgambetti e volteggiamenti petauristici100. E vedendoli piroettare su di un piede solo, dopo fatta la riverenza, li somigliavamo a una trottola, quando, al gioco dei bambini che la fanno andare a colpi di frustino, ruota così veloce che il suo movimento è riposo; essa sembra quieta, sembra non muoversi, anzi dormire, com'essi dicono. E facendovi un segno, un punto di un qualche colore, esso alla nostra vista non sembrerà più essere un punto, bensì una linea continua, come notò sagacemente il Cusano, trattando di ben divini argomenti.
Qui non udimmo che battimani e ovazioni ripetute ad ogni scontro, sia vittorioso sia infausto per l'una parte o per l'altra. Né mai vi fu certamente un Catone tanto severo, un Crasso il Vecchio tanto agelasta, un Timone Ateniese tanto misantropo, un Eraclito tanto alieno da ciò che è proprio dell'uomo – cioè dal ridere – da non dover perdere il contegno, vedendo quei giovani, e le Regine e le Ninfe, al suono di una musica così incalzante, muoversi, avanzare, saltare, volteggiare, sgambettare, torneare così rapidamente, in cinquecento maniere diverse e con tanta destrezza che mai l'uno era all'altro d'impaccio. Tanto minore era il numero di quelli che restavano in campo e tanto maggiore il godimento nel vedere le astuzie e le finte che architettavano per sorprendersi l'un l'altro secondo che la musica indicava. Vi dirò di più: se lo spettacolo più che umano ci rendeva confusi nei sensi, attoniti negli spiriti e come fuor di noi stessi, ancor più ci sentivamo commossi e sgomenti nei nostri cuori al tono e al ritmo di quella musica. E chi mi dicesse che fu con musica simile che Ismenia101 eccitò Alessandro il Grande quando, seduto a tavola e desinando tranquillamente, balzò su d'improvviso impugnando le armi, gli crederei facilmente. Vincitore di questo terzo torneo fu il Re dei Blu.
Mentre si svolgevano queste danze, la Regina di Quinta invisibilmente disparve e più non la vedemmo. Ma fummo ben scortati dai michelotti102 di Geber e fummo investiti formalmente delle dignità da essa stabilite. Poi, discendendo al porto di Meteotecnia, ci imbarcammo senza altri indugi sulle nostre navi: avevamo vento in poppa e, per riaverne uno simile, se non ne avessimo approfittato, ci sarebbe toccato di aspettare tre altri quarti di luna almeno.
CAPITOLO XXV
Come scendemmo nell'isola di Odòs103 dove i cammini camminano
Dopo aver navigato per due giorni si offrì alla nostra vista l'isola di Odòs dove vedemmo cose memorabili. Là le strade, ovverossia i cammini, sono animali: se è vera la sentenza di Aristotele là dove dice che la prova irrefutabile del fatto che un essere è animato sta nella sua attitudine a muoversi da sé. Perché là i cammini camminano come animali. E vi sono cammini erranti a somiglianza dei pianeti, cammini che passano e attraversano, cammini a incrocio, a bivio, a trivio e quadrivio. E notai che spesso i viaggiatori chiedevano agli abitanti del paese:
«Dove va questa strada? E questa qui?»
E gli rispondevano:
«Fra Mezzodì e Féverolles104, alla parrocchia, alla città, al fiume».
Poi, portandosi sulla strada giusta, giungevano al luogo destinato senza altrimenti penare o faticare; proprio come vedete che succede a quelli che per andare a Lione, ad Avignone e ad Arles prendono il battello sul Rodano. E come ben sapete che in ogni cosa vi è una tal quale contraddizione e che nulla vi è al mondo che sia perfetto in ogni sua parte, così anche là ci fu detto esservi una certa genia di persone ch'essi chiamano accalappiacammini o battistrade. I poveri cammini solitari non se ne fidavano punto, ne avevano timore e se ne tenevano alla larga come da briganti. Essi infatti li attendevano alla posta come si fa con i lupi al laccio o le beccacce alla rete.
Io ne vidi uno chiamato in giudizio perché aveva preso ingiustamente il cammino della scuola, cioè il più lungo, a dispetto di Minerva. Un altro si vantava di aver preso, a prezzo di un duro scontro, quello più corto, dicendo che questa occasione gli offriva il vantaggio di giungere prima al termine della sua impresa. Come disse Carpalim a Epistemone un certo giorno che lo vide, la pisciarola in pugno, pisciare contro un muro: «Non mi stupisce più» gli disse, «se arrivi sempre primo alla levata del buon Pantagruele, visto che tieni il più corto e il più in discesa»105.
Vi riconobbi la grande strada di Bourges e la vidi camminare a passo di lumaca. La vidi anche fuggire all'arrivo di certi carrettieri che minacciavano di calpestarla con i piedi dei loro cavalli e di farle passare le carrette sul ventre come Tullia passò col suo cocchio sul ventre del padre Servio Tullio, sesto re dei Romani.
Vi riconobbi egualmente il vecchio cammino da Peronne a San Quintino, e mi parve un cammino dabbene.
Vi riconobbi, fra le rocce, il buon vecchio cammino della Ferriera sul Moncenisio, creatura del Re Artù, accompagnato da un grande orso. A vederlo mi sembrava un San Girolamo dipinto se soltanto l'orso fosse stato un leone, perché stava lì tutto mortificato, aveva la lunga barba tutta bianca e mal pettinata (avreste detto addirittura che fossero ghiaccioli); aveva addosso una gran quantità di paternostri di pinastro mal torniti e brozzolosi; stava come ginocchioni e non in piedi né coricato del tutto e si batteva il petto con grosse e ruvide pietre. Faceva paura e pietà al tempo stesso.
Mentre lo guardavamo, un dotto baccelliere del paese ci tirò indisparte e mostrandoci un cammino tutto liscio, tutto bianco e leggermente giuncato di paglia, ci disse:
«D'ora innanzi non disprezzate l'opinione di Talete Milesio, quando diceva che l'acqua è il principio di tutte le cose, né la sentenza di Omero il quale affermava che ogni cosa prende origine dall'Oceano. Questa strada che voi vedete nacque dall'acqua e in acqua tornerà. Due mesi fa passavano di qui i battelli; adesso ci passano le carrette»106.
«Gran prodigio davvero!» esclamò Pantagruele. «Di simili trasformazioni noi, nel nostro mondo, ne vediamo cinquecento ogni anno e anche di più».
Poi, considerando l'andatura di queste strade deambulanti, disse che, a suo giudizio, Filolao, Aristarco e Seleuco avevano un tempo filosofato in quest'isola e che di qui avevano tratto argomenti per affermare che è la terra veramente, e non il cielo, a girare intorno ai poli, ancorché a noi sembri il contrario; così come, stando sul fiume Loira, gli alberi ci sembrano muoversi; tuttavia essi stanno fermi, mentre ci muoviamo noi con il battello.
Tornando alle nostre navi, vedemmo che presso la riva stavano mettendo alla ruota tre accalappiacammini ch'erano stati acciuffati di sorpresa con le mani nel sacco, e bruciavano a fuoco lento un briccone che aveva battuto una strada e le aveva rotto un costola; e ci fu detto che era la strada degli argini e delle dighe del Nilo in Egitto.
Inoltre, ci fu detto che Panigone107, essendo ormai alla fine dei suoi giorni, si era ritirato in un romitaggio di quell'isola e là viveva in grande santità e vera fede cattolica, senza concupiscenze, senza passioni, senza vizi, in tutta innocenza, amando il prossimo come se stesso e Dio sopra ogni cosa; epperò faceva diversi e bei miracoli.
Alla nostra partenza da Chothu108 potei vedere il mirifico ritratto del valletto che cerca padrone, dipintovi un tempo da Carlo Charmoys, orleanese.
CAPITOLO XXVI
Come arrivammo all'isola degli Zoccoli e dell'ordine dei frati al Canticchio
Poi giungemmo all'isola degli Zoccoli i quali non vivono che di zuppe di merluzzo. Fummo tuttavia bene accolti e ben trattati dal re dell'isola chiamato Benius109, terzo del nome, il quale, dopo bevuto, ci condusse a vedere un monastero nuovo nuovo, eretto e costruito a sua invenzione per i frati al Canticchio: così chiamava egli i suoi religiosi, dicendo che in terra ferma abitavano i frati Piccoli, servitori ed amici della dolce Dama110; item, i gloriosi e bei frati Minori, che sono semibrevi di bolla; i frati Minimi, aringaioli affumicati, ancora più brevi; e i frati Minimi dal becco adunco, denominati frati al Cantino, dal cui nome calando si giungeva per forza al Canticchio111.
Per loro Statuto e Bolla patente accordata dalla Quinta, che è regina di tutti gli accordi, essi erano tutti vestiti come ladroni da strada, salvo che, come i racconciatetti dell'Angiò hanno i ginocchi contrappuntati, così essi avevano la pancia risuolata, e i risuolatori di pance eran tenuti presso di loro in grande considerazione.
La braghetta dei pantaloni avevano a forma di pantofola e ne portavano due ciascuno, l'una davanti e l'altra cucita dietro, affermando che questa loro duplicità di braghetta simboleggiava ascosi e orrifici misteri. Portavano calzature rotonde come catinelle a imitazione degli abitanti del mare arenoso112. Quanto al resto avevano barbe rase e piedi ferrati. E per mostrare che non si curano della Fortuna re Benius gli faceva radere e pelare come porcelli la parte posteriore della testa, dalla sommità fino agli omoplati; mentre sul davanti i capelli, a cominciare dagli ossi bregmatici, crescevano in libertà. Così si antifortunavano come gente del tutto indifferente ai beni di questo mondo. Sfidando ancora più apertamente la volubilità della Fortuna, ognuno portava alla cintura a guisa di rosario, e non già in mano come lei, un rasoio ben tagliente, e due volte al giorno lo arrotavano e tre volte ogni notte lo affilavano.
Sopra i piedi portavano una palla rotonda, poiché si dice che la Fortuna ne abbia una sotto i piedi. Il fiocco del loro cappuccio era attaccato sul davanti e non didietro; per tale espediente avevano il viso nascosto e se la ridevano bellamente sia della Fortuna sia dei fortunati: tal quale le damigelle quando portano il loro nascondibruttezze, che voi chiamate guardagote (gli antichi lo chiamavano carità per via della gran moltitudine di peccati che ricopre)113. Tenevano dunque sempre in mostra la parte posteriore della testa come noi teniamo la faccia. Ne conseguiva che essi potevano avanzare di ventre o di culo secondo che gli accomodava. Se andavano di culo, avreste potuto considerare la loro andatura come normale sia a causa delle scarpe rotonde sia a causa della braghetta cucita sul didietro, nonché della nuca rasata e rozzamente dipinta con due occhi e una bocca come si fa con le noci di cocco. Se avanzavano di ventre, li avreste scambiati per gente che gioca a mosca cieca: cosa bella a vedersi.
La loro maniera di vivere era tale che al primo apparire della stella del mattino si stivalavano e si speronavano a vicenda in spirito di carità. Così stivalati e speronati, dormivano o almeno russavano; e dormendo tenevano sul naso occhiali a stanghetta o lenti, alla peggio.
A noi questi modi apparivano strani, ma essi ce ne diedero una ragione soddisfacente spiegandoci che al Giudizio Finale, quando vi sarà, gli umani prenderanno sonno e riposo: così, per dimostrare con evidenza che essi non si rifiutavano di comparirvi, come fanno i fortunati, si tenevano stivalati e speronati, pronti a montare a cavallo quando la tromba suonasse.
Suonando il mezzogiorno (da notare che le loro campane, così come l'orologio della chiesa e quello del refettorio, erano fatte secondo la divisa del Pontano, cioè di fine calugine contrappuntata e una coda di volpe per battaglio)114, suonando dunque mezzogiorno, essi si svegliavano, si sfilavano gli stivali, pisciava chi voleva, andava di corpo chi voleva, ma tutti, per vincolo e rigoroso statuto, ampiamente e piamente sbadigliavano e rompevano il digiuno a sbadigli. Lo spettacolo mi pareva divertente: posti su di una rastrelliera stivali e speroni, scendevano nel chiostro e là si lavavano accuratamente le mani e la bocca; poi si sedevano su di un lungo scanno e si curavano i denti; questo durava finché il Priore non desse il segnale zufolando nel cavo delle mani. Allora tutti spalancavano la bocca quanto più potevano e sbadigliavano; certe volte per mezz'ora, altre volte più altre meno, in modo che, a giudizio del Priore, il déjeuner di sbadigli risultasse proporzionato alla festività del giorno. Dopo di ciò facevano una bella processione nella quale portavano due bandiere. In una era ritratta in bella pittura l'effige della Virtù; nell'altra l'effige della Fortuna. Un frate al Canticchio portava in testa al corteo la bandiera con la Fortuna; lo seguiva un altro con la bandiera della Virtù, portando in mano un aspersorio bagnato in acqua mercuriale (descritta da Ovidio nei suoi Fasti) col quale egli continuamente, come un postiglione, faceva atto di frustare il frate al Canticchio recante la Fortuna.
«Quest'ordine» disse Panurgo, «contraddice la sentenza di Cicerone e degli Accademici, i quali vogliono che Virtù preceda e Fortuna segua».
Ci fu tuttavia dimostrato che a loro conveniva fare così dato che la loro regola era di fustigare la Fortuna.
Durante la processione essi canticchiavano fra i denti, melodiosamente, non so quale antifona perché non intendevo il loro gergo, e, ascoltando con grande attenzione, mi accorsi che cantavano con le orecchie. O la bella armonia! E come bene si accordava con il suono delle loro campane! Mai una stonatura ci avreste colto.
Pantagruele fece una mirifica osservazione su quella loro processione dicendo:
«Avete voi notato la finezza di questi frati al Canticchio? Per compiere la loro processione essi sono usciti da una porta della chiesa e sono entrati dall'altra; essi si sono ben guardati dall'entrare per dove erano usciti. Sul mio onore sono gente ben fina, fina da indorare, fina come una daga di piombo, fina non affinata ma affinante, passata al vaglio di stamigna fina».
«Questa finezza» disse fra Giovanni, «è estratta da occulta filosofia, e io al diavolo se ci capisco niente».
«E tanto più è da temersi» disse Pantagruele, «in quanto non se ne capisce nulla: perché finezza compresa, finezza prevista, finezza palese perde di finezza e ne va dell'essenza stessa del suo nome. Noi la chiameremmo balordaggine. Parola mia, quelli ne sanno una più del diavolo».
Terminata la processione, che teneva luogo di passeggiata e di esercizio salutare, si ritiravano nel loro refettorio e si mettevano in ginocchio sotto le tavole appoggiando il petto e lo stomaco ciascuno su una lanterna. Mentre stavano così prostrati, entrava un grande Zoccolo con un forcone in mano e con questo li forconava un po': di modo che il loro pasto cominciava a formaggio e terminava a mostarda e lattuga, come era uso degli antichi secondo che testimonia Marziale. In fine, veniva esibito a ognuno di loro, dopo desinare, un grande piatto di mostarda.
Ed ecco la loro dieta: la domenica mangiavano budini, anduglie, biroldi, fricandò, fegatelli e quaglie allo spiedo, a parte sempre il formaggio per antipasto e la mostarda per dessert. Al lunedì, bei piselli al lardo con ampio commento e glossa interlineare. Al martedì, molto pane benedetto, focacce, pasticcini, gallette biscottate. Al mercoledì tutta rosticceria: belle teste di castrato, teste di vitello, e teste di manzo le quali abbondano in quella contrada. Al giovedì, minestre di sette qualità e la sempiterna mostarda tramezzo. Al venerdì niente altro che sorbe e neanche ancora ben mature, a giudicare dal colore. Al sabato rosicchiavano le ossa. Non per questo erano poveri e malandati, essendo ognuno titolare di un suo beneficio.
Questa era la loro dieta quando risiedevano in convento. Se per ordine del Priore ne uscivano, divieto assoluto, sotto pena di terrificanti sanzioni, di toccare o mangiar pesce quando fossero per mare o laghi o fiumi, né carne quando fossero in terra ferma; e ciò allo scopo di rendere a tutti evidente che l'oggetto non risvegliava in loro alcuna voglia latente o concupiscenza più di quanto avrebbe potuto risvegliarne in una roccia marpesiana115.
La loro bevanda era il vino antifortuna: così chiamavano non so che beveraggio del paese. Quando volevano bere o mangiare, abbassavano il loro cappuccio per davanti e così serviva loro di barbuta.
Terminato il desinare, essi pregavano Dio molto bene, sempre canticchiando. Per il resto della giornata, in attesa del Giudizio Finale, si esercitavano in opere di carità vicendevole: il lunedì, a spintoni; il martedì, a rovescioni; il mercoledì, a sgraffignate; il giovedì, a spiate; il venerdì, a farsi il solletico, il sabato, a legnate da olio santo.
Il tutto facevano con antifone convenienti e bene intonate, sempre cantando dalle orecchie come si è detto. Al coricarsi del sole nell'Oceano, si stivalavano e speronavano l'un l'altro e, occhiali al naso, si ritiravano a dormire. A mezzanotte entrava lo Zoccolo, e tutti in piedi. Quindi molavano ben bene i loro rasoi e, fatta la processione, si mettevano le tavole addosso e pasteggiavano come sopra.
Frate Giovanni, osservando questi allegri frati al Canticchio e avendo preso cognizione dei loro statuti, finì per perdere ogni contegno e si mise a gridare:
«C'è un grosso topo sotto la tavola. Lo lascio a voi, ve lo regalo perdio! Io, per me, me la batto. Oh, perché non c'è qui Priapo, come ai riti notturni di Canidia, per vederlo petare a schiantaculo116 e contropetando canticchiare! Adesso mi rendo conto che in verità qui ci troviamo in terra antictona117. In Germania si demoliscono i monasteri e si sfratano i frati: qui si fabbricano a contropelo e con la testa al posto del culo».
CAPITOLO XXVII
Come Panurgo, interrogando un frate al Canticchio, non ebbe da lui risposte che di una sola parola
Panurgo, da quando eravamo sbarcati sull'isola, non aveva fatto altro che contemplare intensamente le facce di quei regali frati al Canticchio. Alla fine ne tirò per la manica uno ch'era magro e rinsecchito come un diavolo affumicato, e gli disse:
«Fratel canticchio cantin canticchiante, dov'è la baldracca?»
Il frate gli rispose: «Giù»
Panurgo: «Ne avete molte qui dentro?»
Frate: «Poche».
Pan. «Esattamente quante sono?»
Fr. «Venti».
Pan. «Quante ne vorreste avere?»
Fr. «Cento».
Pan. «Dove le tenete nascoste?»
Fr. «Là».
Pan. «Suppongo che non abbiano tutte la stessa età. Ma com'è il loro portamento?»
Fr. «Diritto».
Pan. «E la carnagione, com'è la carnagione?»
Fr. «Giglio».
Pan. «I capelli?»
Fr. «Biondi»
Pan. «E gli occhi? Dimmi degli occhi».
Fr. «Neri».
Pan. «Le tettine?»
Fr. «Tonde».
Pan.«Il musetto?»
Fr. «Corto».
Pan. «I sopraccigli?»
Fr. «Lunghi».
Pan. «Le loro grazie?»
Fr. «A punto».
Pan. «Lo sguardo?»
Fr. «Franco».
Pan. «E i piedi, come hanno i piedini?»
Fr. «Piatti».
Pan. «I talloni?»
Fr. «Corti»118.
Pan. «Il culetto?»
Fr. «Bello».
Pan. «E le braccia?»
Fr. «Lunghe».
Pan. «Che portano alle mani?»
Fr. «Guanti».
Pan. «E gli anelli alle dita come sono?»
Fr. «D'oro».
Pan. «E le vesti? Che usate per vestirle?»
Fr. «Stoffe».
Pan. «Stoffe come?»
Fr. «Nuove».
Pan. «E il colore?»
Fr. «Perso».
Pan. «E le cuffiette?»
Fr. «Blu».
Pan. «E le babbucce?»
Fr. «Brune».
Pan. «Ma tutte queste robe come sono?»
Fr. «Fini».
Pan. «Le scarpe di che son fatte?»
Fr. «Cuoio».
Pan. «Ma come sono per lo più?»
Fr. «Sporche».
Pan. «E come camminano?»
Fr. «Svelte».
Pan. «Veniamo alle cucine, quelle, dico, di queste femmine; e senza fretta vediamo tutto punto per punto. Cosa c'è in cucina?»
Fr. «Fuoco».
Pan. «Chi alimenta questo fuoco?»
Fr. «Legna».
Pan. «E questa legna com'è?»
Fr. «Secca».
Pan. «Da quali alberi la prendete?»
Fr. «Tassi».
Pan. «E la legna minuta, le fascine?»
Fr. «Ontano».
Pan. «In camera che legna bruciate?»
Fr. «Pino».
Pan. «E che altro ancora?»
Fr. «Tiglio».
Pan. «Per quel che riguarda queste fanciulle, tenetemi per socio a metà. Ma come le nutrite?»
Fr. «Bene».
Pan. «Che cosa mangiano?»
Fr. «Pane».
Pan. «Che pane?»
Fr. «Bigio».
Pan. «E cosa ancora?»
Fr. «Carne».
Pan. «Carne come?»
Fr. «Arrosto».
Pan. «E zuppe non ne mangiano mai?»
Fr. «Mai».
Pan. «E pasticcini?»
Fr, «Molti».
Pan. «Ho capito. E pesce ne mangiano?»
Fr. «Sì».
Pan. «Come glielo servite?»
Fr. «Freddo».
Pan. «E poi, cos'altro ancora?»
Fr. «Uova».
Pan. «E come?»
Fr. «Cotte».
Pan. «Come cotte?»
Fr. «Sode».
Pan. «Tutto lì il loro pasto?»
Fr. «No».
Pan. «Che cosa allora? Cosa gli date in più?»
Fr. «Manzo».
Pan. «E poi?»
Fr. «Porco».
Pan. «E poi?»
Fr. «Oche».
Pan. «E poi?»
Fr. «Germani».
Pan. «Item?»
Fr. «Galletti».
Pan. «E per condimento che gli date?»
Fr. «Sale».
Pan. «Ma le più ghiotte?»
Fr. «Mosto».
Pan. «E a fine pasto?»
Fr. «Riso».
Pan. «E cos'altro ancora?»
Fr. «Latte».
Pan. «E poi?»
Fr. «Piselli».
Pan. «Ma che genere di piselli?»
Fr. «Freschi».
Pan. «E dentro cosa ci mettete?»
Fr. «Lardo».
Pan. «E per la frutta?»
Fr. «Buona».
Pan. «Cioè?»
Fr. «Sana».
Pan. «Altro ancora?»
Fr. «Noci».
Pan. «E da bere? Cos'è che bevono?»
Fr. «Schietto».
Pan. «Che cosa?»
Fr. «Vino».
Pan. «Quale?»
Fr. «Bianco».
Pan. «D'inverno?»
Fr. «Schietto».
Pan. «In primavera?»
Fr. «Secco».
Pan. «D'estate?»
Fr. «Fresco».
Pan. «E d'autunno, in tempo di vendemmia?»
Fr. «Dolce».
«Sorca del frate!» esclamò fra Giovanni. «Dio sa come saranno polpute e come trotteranno bene queste cagne al Canticchio, visto il quanto e il quale di quel che mandano giù!»
«Lasciatemi finire» disse Panurgo. «Che ora fa quando vanno a Letto?»
Fr. «Notte».
Pan. «E quando si alzano?»
Fr. «Giorno».
«Ecco» disse Panurgo, «il più gentil canterino ch'io abbia mai cavalcato quest'anno. Piacesse a Dio e al benedetto San Canterello e alla benedetta e degna vergine Santa Canticchia ch'egli fosse primo Presidente al tribunale di Parigi! Sangue del mio, ragazzi, che speditor di cause, che minutante e collazionatore, che spulciatore d'atti, prove e controprove, che spicciacarte, che scorciasentenze, che sbrigaprocessi sarebbe! Ma adesso veniamo ad altre bevande e parliamo a piacer nostro e in tutta tranquillità. E diteci, in carità, com'è il formulario».
Fr. «Grosso».
Pan. «All'entrata?»
Fr. «Fresco».
Pan. «Al fondo?»
Fr. «Cavo».
Pan. «Intendo come ci si sta».
Fr. «Caldi».
Pan. «Cosa c'è intorno?»
Fr. «Pelo».
Pan. «Pelo come?»
Fr. «Rosso».
Pan. «E le più vecchie?»
Fr. «Grigio».
Pan. «Le scopate come sono?»
Fr. «Pronte».
Pan. «Il dimenio delle natiche?»
Fr. «Gagliardo».
Pan. «Tutte esperte nel volteggio?»
Fr. «Troppo».
Pan. «I vostri arnesi come sono?»
Fr. «Grandi».
Pan. «All'estremità?»
Fr. «Rotondi».
Pan. «La cima di che colore?»
Fr. «Baio».
Pan. «Quando han fatto come stanno?»
Fr. «Quieti».
Pan. «I genitali come sono?»
Fr. «Pesanti».
Pan. «Come ve li scappucciate?»
Fr. «Spingendo».
Pan. «Dopo la fattura come diventano?»
Fr. «Smorti».
Pan. «Ora, in base ai vostri voti di castità, quando volete farvele come le mettete?»
Fr. «Sotto»
Pan. «E cosa dice lei mentre culeggia?»
Fr. «Niente».
Pan. «Si accontenta di farvi godere; e per il resto pensa al bel caso?»
Fr. «Appunto».
Pan. «Vi fanno mai bambini?»
Fr. «Mai».
Pan. «Come giacete insieme?»
Fr. «Nudi».
Pan. «Per il suddetto voto che avete fatto, quante volte al giorno? Dico un giorno per l'altro...»
Fr. «Sei».
Pan. «E di notte?»
Fr. «Dieci».
«Canchero!» disse fra Giovanni. «Il porcaccione non oserebbe doppiare il sedici. È timido, lui».
Pan. «Ma tu, fra Giovanni, te la sentiresti di fare altrettanto? È peggio di un lebbroso119. Ma gli altri fanno tutti così?»
Fr. «Tutti».
Pan. «E fra tutti chi è il più gagliardo?»
Fr. «Io».
Pan. «E non fate mai cilecca?»
Fr. «Mai».
Pan. «Qui comincia a darmi di volta il cervello. Voi dite che avendo esaurito e dato fondo, oggi, ai vostri vasi spermatici, domani ve li ritrovate altrettanto ben forniti?»
Fr. «Sì».
Pan. «O magari anche più?»
Fr. «Più».
Pan. «Io do l'anima al diavolo se questi qui non hanno l'erba indiana celebrata da Teofrasto. Ma se, putacaso, per qualche impedimento legittimo o per un'altra ragione qualsiasi, si verificasse, nel corso di questi svaghi, una qualche diminuzione del membro, come ve la mettete?»
Fr. «Male».
Pan. «E allora che fanno le ganze?»
Fr. «Chiasso».
Pan. «E voi cosa gli date?»
Fr, «Chiacchiere».
Pan. «E se le lasciate in secca per un giorno?»
Fr. «Peggio».
Pan. «Perché, cosa vi fanno allora?»
Fr. «Merda».
Pan. «Che vuoi dire?»
Fr. «Peti».
Pan. «Di che suono?»
Fr. «Rotto».
Pan. «Come le castigate?»
Fr. «Forte».
Pan. «E che ne ricavate?»
Fr. «Sangue».
Pan. «Così la loro carnagione è...»
Fr. «Tinta».
Pan. «Tanto che meglio non potrebb'essere...»
Fr. «Pinta».
Pan. «E così voi restate sempre...»
Fr. «Temuti».
Pan. «E dopo esse vi credono...»
Fr. «Venerabili».
Pan. «E sempre in nome di quel giuramento da fiera che hai fatto, qual è la stagione dell'anno in cui ci date dentro più alla stracca?»
Fr. «Agosto».
Pan. «E quando più alla brutta?»
Fr. «Marzo».
Pan. «E per il resto dell'anno?»
Fr. «Contenti».
«Ecco qua» disse Panurgo, «un povero fra Canterello di questo basso mondo. Avete sentito com'è risoluto, sommario, compendioso nei suoi responsi? Due sillabe, massimo tre: mai più di una parola. Scommetto che farebbe tre bocconi di una ciliegia».
«Corpo del mio, amico!» disse fra Giovanni. «Ma non tratta mica così con le sue bertocche. È lì che vorrei sentirlo come gorgheggia. Tu dici tre bocconi d'una ciliegia. Io giuro per San Grigio, che quello lì di una spalla di montone non ne fa più di due e non più di un sorso di una brocca di vino. Non vedete com'è ridotto, che se starnuta casca all'indietro?»
«Questa brutta monacaglia di monacacci!» disse Epistemone. «In tutto il mondo non pensano ad altro che a ingozzarsi di ogni ben di Dio, e poi ci vengono a dire che non hanno al mondo altro bene che la loro vita. E i re, i principi, i grandi della terra, cos'hanno in più? In fede mia non vedo l'ora di andarmene da qui».
CAPITOLO XXVIII
Perché l'istituto della quaresima non piace a Epistemone
«Avete notato» disse Epistemone, «come questo gallinaccio malnato d'un frate al Canticchio ha indicato il mese di marzo come principe dei ruffiani?»
«Già» disse Pantagruele. «E il bello è che cade sempre in quaresima, la quale è stata istituita per macerare la carne, mortificare gli appetiti carnali e reprimere le furie di Venere».
«Qui» disse Epistemone, «potete farvi un'idea del senno di quel papa che per primo l'istituì; se, come confessa questa lurida ciabatta di frate al Canticchio, è proprio in tempo di quaresima che lui ce l'ha sempre dritto e duro come non mai. Per non dire poi delle ragioni avanzate dai medici più dotti e valenti, i quali affermano essere la quaresima il tempo in cui si mangiano cibi eccitanti a lussuria (e precisamente fave, piselli, fagioli, ceci, cipolle, noci, ostriche, aringhe, salati, salamoie, e insalate tutte composte di erbe afrodisiache come rughetta, nasturzio, serpentaria, crescione, gorgolestro, raperonzoli, papavero cornuto, luppolo, fichi, riso, uva passa) più che in qualunque altro periodo dell'anno».
«Vi stupireste voi» disse Pantagruele, «se si venisse a sapere che il buon papa, nell'istituire la santa quaresima proprio nella stagione in cui il calore naturale esce dalle cavità dei corpi dove si era contenuto durante i freddi invernali e si espande alla periferia delle membra come la linfa negli alberi; e nel prescrivere al tempo stesso l'uso dei cibi che avete detto, ad altro non intendeva che ad aiutare la moltiplicazione dell'umano lignaggio? Ciò che me lo fa pensare è che sul registro del battistero di Touars è più alto il numero dei bambini nati in ottobre e novembre che negli altri mesi dell'anno; i quali bambini, a conti fatti, furon tutti seminati, concepiti e generati in quaresima».
«Io» disse fra Giovanni, «ascolto i vostri ragionamenti e vi prendo piacere non piccolo. Il compianto curato di Jambet attribuiva queste copiose enfiagioni delle donne non ai cibi quaresimali, bensì a quei piccoli questuanti piegati in due, a quei piccoli predicatori stivalati, a quei piccoli confessori inzaccherati, i quali, nella breve stagione del loro imperio, minacciano i mariti puttanieri di eterna dannazione tre tese più sotto delle grinfie di Lucifero. Così terrorizzati, i mariti la smettono di far la bestia a due schiene con le serve di casa e si accontentano delle loro mogli. Ho detto».
«Interpretate pure l'istituto quaresimale a vostra fantasia» disse Epistemone, «ognuno tira dalla sua. Ma se dovessero sopprimerlo, come sembra imminente120, tutti i medici faranno opposizione: io lo so e l'ho sentito dire. Perché, senza quaresima, la loro arte cadrebbe in dispregio, non guadagnerebbero più un baiocco, nessuno più si ammalerebbe. In quaresima si seminano tutte le malattie: è il vero semenzaio, la naturale incubatrice e dispensiera di tutti i mali. Inoltre non considerate che la quaresima se fa imputridire i corpi fa anche imbestialire le anime. È allora che i diavoli ce la mettono tutta; è allora che gli ipocriti vengono allo scoperto; è allora che i collitorti tengono le loro grandi giornate, le loro fiere, i loro sermoni, tridui, novene, stazioni, sessioni, perdoni, confessioni, fustigazioni, anatemizzazioni. Io non voglio inferirne che gli Arimaspiani121 siano in questo migliori di noi, ma parlo a ragion veduta».
«Ordunque, coglion mio culettante e rampicante» disse Panurgo al frate, «che ve ne par di costui? Non puzza egli di eresia?»
Fr. «Puzza»,
Pan. «Dev'essere bruciato?»
Fr. «Deve».
Pan. «E il più presto possibile?»
Fr. «Sì»,
Pan. «Senza farlo bollire prima?»
Fr. «Senza».
Pan. «E come dunque?»
Fr. «Vivo».
Pan. «Finché ne segua?»
Fr. «Morte».
Pan. «Perché vi ha troppo scandalizzato?»
Fr. «Troppo».
Pan. «Come vi sembra?»
Fr. «Matto».
Pan. «Intendete matto furioso?»
Fr. «Peggio».
Pan. «Come lo vorreste?»
Fr. «Bruciato».
Pan. «Ne avete bruciati degli altri?»
Fr. «Tanti».
Pan. «Eretici come lui?»
Fr. «Meno».
Pan. «Se ne bruceranno ancora?»
Fr. «Moltissimi».
Pan. «Non volete redimerli?»
Fr. «Affatto».
Pan. «Bisogna proprio bruciarli tutti?»
Fr. «Tutti».
«Io non so» disse Epistemone, «che gusto ci sia a ragionare con questo lurido straccio di monaco; ma se non vi conoscessi dovrei farmi una cattiva opinione di voi».
«Ma va!» disse Panurgo. «Per Dio, è così simpatico che lo porterei volentieri al buon Gargantua; e quando sarò sposato lo regalerò a mia moglie come buffone per suo diletto».
«Più propriamente, per suo da-letto» disse Epistemone.
«Ed eccoti servito» rise fra Giovanni. «Povero Panurgo, come la metti, ti scopri cornuto fino al culo».
CAPITOLO XXIX
Come visitammo il paese di Raso
Contenti d'aver conosciuto la nuova regola dei frati al Canticchio riprendemmo il mare e per due giorni non accadde nulla. Al terzo giorno il nostro pilota avvistò un'isola incantevole e deliziosa più d'ogni altra, e la chiamava isola di Crespo perché di crespo erano le sue strade. E là visitammo il paese di Raso, tanto rinomato fra i paggi di corte, dove gli alberi non perdono mai le foglie e le bestie e gli uccelli sono figure di tappezzeria.
Là noi vedemmo molti animali, uccelli e alberi uguali a quelli che si vedono qui da noi per figura, grandezza, prestanza e colore, salvo che quelli non mangiavano nulla, non cantavano affatto, e nemmeno mordevano come fanno i nostri.
Ne vedemmo anche molti mai visti prima; tra gli altri, diversi elefanti di vari colori. Soprattutto notai i sei maschi e le sei femmine presentati a Roma in teatro dal loro domatore, ai tempi di Germanico, nipote dell'imperatore Tiberio: elefanti dotti, musici, filosofi, danzatori di pavana, commedianti, acrobati; ed erano seduti a tavola bevendo e mangiando in silenzio come beati padri in refettorio. Hanno un muso lungo due cubiti, che noi chiamiamo proboscide e col quale attingono acqua per bere, colgono germogli, frutta e ogni sorta di cibi, e se ne servono per difesa ed offesa come di una mano: nel combattimento gettano in aria le persone e le fanno crepare dal ridere nella caduta. Hanno orecchie molto grandi e belle a forma di ventilabro. Hanno giunture e articolazioni alle gambe; coloro che hanno scritto il contrario li hanno visti soltanto dipinti. Tra i denti hanno due grandi corna: così le chiamava Giuba. Pausania dice che sono corna e non denti; Filostrato sostiene che sono denti e non corna. Per me è tutt'uno, purché sappiate che sono d'avorio, il vero avorio, e che sono piantati nella mascella superiore, non inferiore.
Se credete a coloro che dicono il contrario – fosse pure Eliano, principe degli impostori – ve ne troverete male. È là e non altrove che Plinio ne aveva visti danzar sulle corde da veri funamboli, e camminare sui tavoli in pieno banchetto senza disturbare i bevitori.
Vidi poi un rinoceronte del tutto simile a quello mostratomi una volta da Hans Cleberg, poco diverso da un grosso verro che già avevo veduto a Legugé, salvo che aveva sul muso un corno lungo un cubito e puntuto, col quale osava affrontare in battaglia un elefante, e colpendolo sotto il ventre (che è la parte più tenera e debole dell'elefante) lo stendeva morto per terra.
È là che vidi trentadue unicorni122. È una bestia straordinariamente infida, del tutto simile a un cavallo di Lavedan, eccetto che ha la testa come un cervo, i piedi come un elefante, la coda come un cinghiale e sulla fronte un corno acuto, nero e lungo sei o sette piedi che gli penzola in giù come la cresta di un tacchino; ma quando vuol combattere o comunque giovarsene, lo inalbera duro e diritto. Ho visto con i miei occhi uno di questi unicorni, accompagnati da altri animali selvatici, ripulire con il suo corno una fontana. E qui Panurgo mi disse che il suo cortaldo123 somigliava a un unicorno, non in lunghezza, propriamente, ma in virtù e proprietà. Infatti, come l'unicorno purificava l'acqua degli stagni e delle fontane dalle immondizie o da infezione alcuna che vi fosse – per modo che gli altri animali vi potessero bere in tutta sicurezza – così dopo di lui chiunque poteva darci dentro senza pericolo di cancro, peste, bubboni, piscia calda ed altrettanti piccoli suffragi, perché qualunque malattia o infezione vi fosse nel buco mefitico, lui, con il suo corno da battaglia, spazzava via tutto.
«Quando sarai accasato» disse frate Giovanni, «ne faremo la prova su tua moglie: per amor di Dio, naturalmente; viste le tue istruzioni così rassicuranti per la nostra salvezza».
«Certo!» disse Panurgo. «E subito, nel buzzo, la bella piccola pillola che ricongiunge a Dio, composta di ventidue pugnalate alla Cesarina»124. Al che fra Giovanni osservò che avrebbe preferito una tazza di vino buono e ben fresco.
È la che vidi il toson d'oro conquistato da Giasone. Coloro che dissero non trattarsi di un tosone ma di una mela, perché μῆλα in greco significa tanto mela come pecora, non avevano visitato il paese di Raso con la dovuta attenzione.
È la che vidi un camaleonte quale lo descrive Aristotele e quale me l'aveva mostrato una volta Carlo Marais, medico insigne nella nobile città di Lione sul Rodano. Anche questo non si nutriva che di aria come l'altro.
È là che vidi quattordici fenici. Avevo letto in diversi autori che non ce n'è che una per ogni età del mondo. Ma, a mio modesto giudizio, quelli che ne scrissero non ne videro mai se non nel paese degli Arazzi125, compreso Lattanzio Firmiano.
È la che vidi la pelle dell'asino d'oro di Apuleio.
È la che vidi trecento e nove pellicani; seimila e sedici uccelli seleucidi che marciavano in ordinanza divorando cavallette fra il grano; e poi cinamolgi, argatili, caprimulgi, tinnunculi, scrotonotari (cioè, voglio dire, onocrotali) coi loro grandi gozzi, e stinfalidi, arpie, pantere, lupi mannari, onocentauri, tigri, leopardi, jene, camelopardi, origi, dorcadi, cinocefali, satiri, cartasonni, tarandi, uri, alci, monopii, orofagi, cepie, neadi, gebi, cercopitechi, bisonti, musimoni, bulurii, orfioni, surilugi, grufeni.
È là che vidi Mezzaquaresima a cavallo, e Ferragosto che le reggeva la staffa insieme a Mezzomarzo.
È là che vidi una remora, piccolo pesce chiamato echeneis dai Greci, attaccato a una grande nave la quale non si muoveva benché fosse in alto mare e a vele spiegate. Credo proprio che fosse la nave di Periandro, il tiranno, che un pesce così piccolo teneva ferma contro la forza del vento. E in questo paese di Raso, e non altrove, l'aveva vista Muziano. Fra Giovanni ci disse che nelle aule del Parlamento di Parigi solevano regnare un tempo due sorta di pesci, i quali di tutti i querelanti (nobili, ignobili, poveri, ricchi, grandi e piccoli) facevano marcire i corpi e invelenire le anime. I primi erano i pesci d'aprile, cioè a dire i maccarelli, altrimenti detti macrò; i secondi, le venefiche remore, cioè a dire sempiternità di processi, senza mai giungere a giudizio finale e conclusivo.
È là che vidi sfingi, raffi e linci; è là che vidi i cefidi, che hanno i piedi davanti come le nostre mani e quelli didietro come i nostri piedi; e poi i tromiti, e i dali, che sono grandi come ippopotami e hanno coda d'elefante, mandibole da cinghiale e corna mobili come le orecchie degli asini; e i lancercoli126, bestie leggerissime, grandi come asini di Myrebalays: hanno collo, coda e petto di leone, gambe di cervo, una bocca che gli arriva fino alle orecchie e due denti soltanto, uno sopra e uno sotto; parlano in voce umana, ma non le intendemmo pronunziar parola.
Voi dite che non fu mai visto nido di sagro; veramente io là ne ho visti undici e li ho notati bene.
E fu là che vidi gamberi lattiferi, squisitissimi, alabarde mancine, mai viste altrove, e quelle strane bestie chiamate manticore, che hanno il corpo come di leone, il pelo rosso, faccia e orecchie umane, tre file di denti intrecciate fra loro come se voi intrecciaste le dita delle vostre mani le une con le altre; nella coda hanno un pungiglione col quale pungono gli scorpioni e hanno voce molto melodiosa.
Vidi poi dei catoblepi, bestie selvatiche, piccole di corpo, ma con teste grandi senza proporzione, tali che riescono appena a sollevarle da terra e con occhi tanto velenosi che chiunque ne incontra lo sguardo è come se vedesse il basilisco e muore.
E là vidi persino delle bestie a due schiene127, le quali mi parvero straordinariamente festose, prodighe di sculettamenti più di una cutrettola, con sussulto perenne di chiappe.
CAPITOLO XXX
Come nel paese di Raso vedemmo Sentito-dire che teneva scuola di testimonianza
Inoltrandoci ancor un poco in quel paese di Tappezzeria, vedemmo il mare Mediterraneo aperto e discoperto fino in fondo agli abissi, così come si aprì nel golfo Persico il mare Eritreo per far strada ai Giudei che uscivano dall'Egitto. Là riconobbi Tritone che suonava la sua grossa conchiglia, Glauco, Proteo, Nereo e mille altri dèi e mostri marini. Vedemmo anche un numero infinito di pesci di specie diverse, che danzavano, volavano, volteggiavano, combattevano, navigavano, respiravano, fottevano, cacciavano, apprestavano scaramucce, facevano imboscate, componevan tregue, mercanteggiavano, bestemmiavano, ruzzavano.
In un cantuccio lì presso vedemmo Aristotele che reggeva una lanterna nello stesso atteggiamento dell'eremita come lo si dipinge accanto a San Cristoforo; e tutto osservava, considerava e tutto redigeva per iscritto. Dietro di lui, come assistenti d'un messo giudiziario, molti altri filosofi: Appiano, Eliodoro, Ateneo, Porfirio Dorico, Pancrate, Arcade, Numenio, Archippo, Seleno, Ninfodrine, Eliano, Oppenio, Matrano, e cinquecento altri sfaccendati come Cristippo o Aristomaco di Soli, il quale se ne stette per cinquattotto anni a contemplare la vita delle api senza fare nient'altro. Fra gli altri riconobbi Pierre Gilles128, il quale, tenendo in mano un orinale, considerava in profonda contemplazione l'orina di quei bellissimi pesci.
Dopo aver considerato sotto ogni aspetto questo paese di Raso, Pantagruele disse:
«Ho pasciuto lungamente i miei occhi, ma non posso dirmene sazio: sento il mio stomaco bramire di rabbiosa fame».
«Mangiamo» dissi io, «mandiamo giù qualcosa, assaggiamo un po' quelle anacampserote129 che pendono di lassù... Che schifo! non sanno di niente».
Presi allora alcuni mirabolani che pendevano a un capo della tappezzeria; ma non potei né masticarli né inghiottirli; assaporandoli, avreste proprio detto e giurato che fossero di seta ritorta, e non avevano alcun sapore. Si potrebbe pensare che Eliogabalo avesse preso di là – quasi copia fedele di una bolla pontificale – il modello dei festini che allestiva per coloro ch'egli aveva fatto digiunare a lungo con la promessa di un banchetto finale, abbondante, fastoso, imperiale, e che poi sfamava con vivande di cera, di marmo, di coccio, o effigiate in un dipinto o su tovaglie ricamate.
Continuando a cercare per tutto il paese se si trovasse niente da mangiare, udimmo un concerto di rumori striduli e diversi come se fossero lavandaie al fiume o le pale del mulino di Bazacle vicino a Tolosa130. Senza esitare accorremmo da quella parte e vedemmo un vecchietto tutto gobbo, deforme e mostruoso. Lo chiamavano Sentito-dire. La sua faccia era come tagliata in due dalla bocca che gli arrivava alle orecchie, e dentro quella bocca aveva sette lingue o, se volete, la lingua divisa in sette. Come che sia, con tutte e sette teneva a un tempo discorsi diversi in lingue diverse. Aveva inoltre, sulla testa e per tutto il corpo, un'infinità di orecchie: tante che un tempo gli occhi di Argo non furono certo di più; per il resto era cieco e paralitico di gambe.
Attorno a lui vidi uno stuolo innumerevole di uomini e donne che ascoltavano con molta attenzione e alcuni ne riconobbi là in mezzo che facevano buon viso. In quel momento teneva in mano un mappamondo e ne impartiva la spiegazione sommariamente per brevi aforismi. Così gli ascoltatori diventavano dottori e gran sapienti in poco d'ora, e parlavano con eleganza e perfetta memoria di una quantità di cose prodigiose, per apprendere la centesima parte delle quali non basterebbe un'intera vita: delle Piramidi, del Nilo, di Babilonia, dei Trogloditi, degli Imantopodi, dei Blemmi, dei Pigmei, dei Cannibali, dei monti Iperborei, degli Egipani, di tutti i diavoli, e sempre per Sentito-dire.
Là riconobbi, o almeno così mi parve, Erodoto, Plinio, Solino, Berosio, Filostrato, Mela, Strabone, e tanti altri dell'antichità; e inoltre Alberto Magno domenicano, Pietro Martire, Papa Pio II, Paolo Giovio il valentuomo, Giacomo Cartier, Hayton l'armeno, il veneziano Marco Polo, Ludovico Romano131, Pedro Alvares e non so quanti altri storici moderni nascosti dietro un lembo di tappezzeria a scrivere di soppiatto bellissime opere, e tutto per Sentito-dire.
Dietro un drappo di velluto a fogliami, accanto a Sentito-dire, vidi una gran quantità di bravi studenti, tutti del Perche e della Manche132 e tutti piuttosto giovani. Chiedendo loro a quale facoltà appartenessero venimmo a sapere che là fin da ragazzi imparavano a diventare testimoni, e tanto progredivano nell'arte del testimoniare che partendo di là per tornare alle loro province, vivevano onestamente di tal professione col rendere le loro testimonianze riguardo a qualsiasi cosa per conto di coloro che meglio li pagavano a giornata; e tutto per Sentito-dire. Ditene quel che volete, ma essi ci offrirono qualche fetta delle loro pagnotte e ci fecero bere generosamente ai loro barili. Poi ci esortarono cordialmente a non esser troppo prodighi di verità se volevamo aver fortuna alla corte dei grandi signori.
CAPITOLO XXXI
Come apparve ai nostri occhi il paese delle Lanterne
Mal trattati e peggio foraggiati in quell'isola di Crespo, navigammo tre giorni; il quarto giorno giungemmo felicemente nelle acque del Lanternese.
Avvicinandoci, vedemmo sul mare certi piccoli fuochi volanti. Io per parte mia pensavo che fossero pesci Lanterna e che, con la lingua fiammeggiante, mandassero fuoco fuori dal mare; oppure Lampiridi (voi li chiamate Cicindeli)133 che luccicassero là come fanno la sera al mio paese quando l'orzo matura.
Ma il pilota ci informò che erano le Lanterne di ronda e che perlustravano il paese facendo scorta a certe Lanterne straniere le quali, come da noi i bravi Cortigiani e Domenicani, eran giunte colà per essere presentati al Capitolo provinciale. Dubitando noi tuttavia che si trattasse di segni forieri di tempesta, lui ci assicurò che le cose stavano esattamente come aveva detto.
CAPITOLO XXXII
Come discendemmo al porto dei Licnobiti ed entrammo nel Lanternese
Senza esitazione entrammo nel porto del Lanternese. Là, su di un'alta torre, Pantagruele riconobbe la Lanterna della Rochelle che ci aiutò molto bene a vederci chiaro. Vedemmo anche la Lanterna di Pharos, di Nauplia e dell'Acropoli di Atene, sacra a Pallade.
Vicino al porto c'è un piccolo villaggio abitato dai Licnobiti134, che sono un popolo che vive di Lanterne, così come i nostri fratelli questuanti, lecconacci e golaccioni, vivono di monacelle: gente studiosa, peraltro, e molto dabbene. Qui, anticamente, Demostene aveva lanternato135. Di là fino al palazzo fummo accompagnati da tre Obeliscolicni136, guardie militari del porto, dagli alti berretti a punta come gli Albanesi, ai quali esponemmo le ragioni del nostro peregrinare e il nostro proposito, che era di impetrare dalla regina del Lanternese una Lanterna per rischiararci il cammino e guidarci nel nostro viaggio verso l'oracolo della Bottiglia. Al che essi promisero di prestarsi volentieri, aggiungendo che non potevamo arrivare in un momento più propizio e opportuno, perché avremmo potuto scegliere fra il fior fiore delle Lanterne che tenevano per l'appunto in quei giorni il loro Capitolo provinciale.
Arrivando a Palazzo, da due Lanterne d'onore – precisamente la Lanterna d'Aristofane e la Lanterna di Cleante137 – fummo presentati alla Regina, alla quale Panurgo espose brevemente in lingua lanternese i motivi del nostro viaggio; ed ella ci fece buona accoglienza e ci ordinò di assistere alla sua cena per scegliere più agevolmente fra tutte le Lanterne quella che a noi sembrasse la più adatta. Ne fummo ben lieti e non mancammo di tutto notare e considerare: sia i loro gesti, abiti e contegno, sia l'ordine del servizio.
La Regina era vestita di cristallo vergine damaschinato con fregi a niello e tempestato di grossi diamanti. Le Lanterne del sangue erano vestite alcune di diamanti artificiali, altre di stucchi pesantemente indorati, altre di pietre trasparenti: le rimanenti di corno, di carta, di tela cerata. I Lanternoni egualmente, secondo il rango e l'antichità della casata. Nella schiera delle più eleganti una sola ne notai vestita uniformemente di coccio come una brocca, e avendo manifestato il mio stupore per questo, mi fu detto che quella era la lanterna di Epitteto per possedere la quale anticamente erano state spese ben tremila dracme138.
Considerai con ogni attenzione l'aspetto e l'abbigliamento della Lanterna Polimixa139 di Marziale e ancor più la Icosimixa140, consacrata un tempo da Canope, figlia di Crizia; né mi sfuggì la presenza della Lanterna Pensile del tempio di Apollo Palatino in Tebe e di lì presa e portata a Cima, città dell'Eolia, da Alessandro il Conquistatore.
Un'altra ne osservai, assai degna di nota a causa di un bel fiocco di seta cremisina che aveva in testa, e mi fu detto ch'era Bartolo, Lanterna del diritto; e due in fine molto distinte a causa delle siringhe da clistere che portavano alla cintura. Di queste mi fu detto che una era il grande e l'altra il piccolo luminare degli apotecari141.
Giunta l'ora della cena, la Regina si assise al posto d'onore e dopo di lei le altre Lanterne in ordine di grado e dignità. Per antipasto furon servite grandi candele a stampo, a parte la Regina cui fu servito un candelone più grande, duro e fiammeggiante, di cera bianca, un po' rosso in cima. Del pari, ebbero trattamento distinto le Lanterne del sangue e la Lanterna Provinciale di Myrebalays che fu servita d'una candela di noce; mentre alla Provinciale del basso Poitou vidi servire una candela blasonata; e Dio sa che bella luce mandavano con i loro stoppini; tranne un certo numero di giovani Lanterne ch'erano al seguito di una grossa lanterna anziana. Esse non lucevano come le altre e mi sembrava che mandassero baluginii di un colore licenzioso.
CAPITOLO XXXII [bis]
Come furono servite a cena le signore Lanterne
Pifferi, buccine e cornamuse suonarono armoniosamente e furono servite le vivande. All'apparire della prima portata, la Regina prese a guisa di pillole aromatiche, aperitive, alcune cucchiaiate di peti d'asina per sgrassarsi lo stomaco. Poi furono serviti:
I quattro quarti del montone che portò Elle e Frisso attraverso lo stretto della Propontide; i due capretti della celebre capra Amaltea nutrice di Giove; i piccoli della cerbiatta Egeria, consigliera di Numa Pompilio; sei paperi covati da quella degna oca Ilmatica che col suo canto salvò la rocca Tarpea di Roma; i maialini della troia... il vitello della vacca Ino che Argo a suo tempo non seppe tener d'occhio; il polmone della volpe fatata da Nettuno e Vulcano, come dice Giulio Polluce in Canibus; il cigno nel quale Giove si convertì per amore di Leda; il bue Api di Menfi in Egitto, che si rifiutò di prendere cibo dalle mani di Cesare Germanico, e sei buoi un tempo rubati da Caco e recuperati da Ercole; i due capretti che Coridone ritrovò per Alexis; il cinghiale erimantico, olimpico e calidonio; i cremasteri del toro tanto amato da Pasifae; il cervo nel quale fu trasformato Atteone; il fegato dell'orsa Calisto.
E poi:
Manrovesci alla saporita, | Promerdine,
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Rubini falsi, | Fanghigliole,
Acchiappa gonzi, | Lambregotti,
Ravioli d'asfalto, | Frelingininghi,
Gallimastri all'acetosella, | Animelle di bistroia,
Galligrù, | Frattaglie mortificate,
Acque morte al pasticcio, | Genabini d'alto fusto,
Bazzecole in camicia, | Starabillazzoli,
Stronzi fini alla nasarda, | Capicorni,
Albastrelle di mare, | Cornamuse vestite di vento,
Crostatine di lepre, squisite, | Gendarminaria,
Girangoli,
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Trismarmaglia.
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Per secondo, furono serviti:
Lanzicaganecchi, | Fasciame
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Parpagnacca, ghiottissima, | Sbucciabrendoli
Solani, | Degl'io-rinnego-me,
Caccarelli di lepre, | Degli hurtalì,
Gonfianuvole, vivanda rara, | Della Pasticciandria,
Spugnolette di levante, | Degli Ocrastabotti,
Faraglioni di ponente, | Dei Ballebilbabù,
Spezzatino di peti, | Della Marabina,
Nostrodilli, | Dei Sambregozzi,
Vesce farcite, | Dei Pissipissi,
Cacchindosso, | Dei Rosolacci,
Sego d'asino, | Dei Maralippi,
Crostini al pelo, | Degli Spiedinculo,
Monacone, | Degli O pelati,
Fanfaluche, | Marmitte agliate in pisciaforte,
Spopondrillocchi, | Merdingondola,
Lasciaminpace, | Crocchinpendola,
Tiratinlà, | Tinta lessa,
Del Buttaticiglitù, | Piedi al segno,
Dei Battimani, | Scinfrenelli,
Degli Epiboccoli, | Nasi d'asso di fiori pasticciati,
Degli Ivriciocchi, | Pasque di sogliola,
Acquazzoni di marzo, | Staffilate,
Battibiglie, | Vischio al collo.
Da ultimo, furono serviti:
Droghe senorghe, | Dei Fischia-e-mastica,
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Scernisciocchi, | Dei Trallallera,
Pillacchere alla giuncata, | Nevi dell'anno passato,
Dei Patetin-patetà, | che abbondano nel
Dei Rimasugli all'ingraffignata, | Lanternese,
Dei Tarabin-tarabà, | Muletti canditi,
Crocchette all'imbroglio, | Miralardi,
Mezzette smaltate, | Tritapuzze,
Maioliche passite, gustosissime, | Grilli alla griglia,
Scapolari di gesso, | Sputasentenze,
Fregatelle, | Tirapetonzoli,
Dei Piedini di biglia, | Stambugi affumicati,
Della Moschinculada, | Conchiglie tritate,
Del Soffiaminculo, | Bernoccologio,
Meniganze, | Biribissaio.
Per dessert portarono un vassoio di merda coperto di stronzi fioriti: che era un gran piatto di miele bianco, coperto d'una gorgiera di seta cremisina.
Le bevande furono servite in tiragarghe, bel vasellame d'antiquariato, e non bevvero altro che olio, beveraggio assai disgustoso al mio palato, ma che, nel Lanternese, è tenuto per bevanda deifica. Vidi tuttavia una vecchia lanterna sdentata, rivestita di pergamena – lanterna caporale di altre lanterne giovani – la quale, gridando al dispensiere: Lampades nostrae estinguntur142, se ne inebriò talmente da perdere luce e vita in men che non si dica; e fu spiegato a Pantagruele che spesso, nel Lanternese, morivano a quel modo, anche in pieno Capitolo.
Terminata la cena, furon levate le mense. Allora, mentre i menestrelli suonavano più melodiosamente di prima, si aprirono le danze. La Regina condusse un trescone doppio nel quale danzarono tutti insieme, Lanternoni e Lanterne: poi si ritirò nel suo seggio, mentre le altre danzavano danze diverse, per esempio:
Stringi Martino, | La spina,
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È la bella francescana, | Non è mica giusto,
Su per le scale d'Arras, | La fraschetta,
La Bastiana, | Ahimè che son brunetta,
Il minuetto di Bretagna, | Triste nel mio dolore,
Eilà, siete pur bella, | Quando mi rammento,
Le sette facce, | La galeotta,
La gagliarda, | La goccia,
La farandola, | Dolente per la sposa,
I rospi e le gru, | La gaia,
La marchesa, | La malmaritata,
Così ho perduto la mia gioventù, | La svenevole,
Caterina, | Senza rimpianti,
San Rocco, | Ogni nobile città,
Sanxerre, | Per favore un po' alla volta,
Nevers, | I rimpianti dell'agnello,
Piccardia la bella, | Il balio di Spagna,
La dolorosa, | È come dirmi addio,
Senza di lei non posso, | La mia bernarda ha messo
Curato, mio curato, | la coccarda,
Io resto sola, | Aspetta un pochinino,
La brugna di Biscaglia, | La nomea d'uno sbandato,
L'entrata del matto, | Che ne è stato mia piccina,
Quando vien Natale, | Aspettando la grazia,
La feronella | Di lei più non mi fido,
Il governale, | Tre pianti e lai prendo
Alla bandita, | congendo,
Fede, | Tirati in là Guglielmo,
Verzura, | Gli amor mi han fatto
Pricipessa d'amore, | piangere,
Il cuore è mio, | I sospiri del polin,
Il cuore è buono, | Io non so il perché,
Felicità, | Facciamo sù facciamo,
Chateaubriand, | Nera e tannée,
Burro fresco, | La bella Francesca,
Ella sen va, | È questo il mio pensiero,
La ducata, | O fedele speranza,
Senza pensieri, | È questo il piacer mio,
Giacomina, | Fortuna,
Il gran lamento, | L'Alemanna,
Son tanto disperato, | Il pensier della mia dama,
Sarà il mio cuore, | Pensate tutti che spavento,
La Segnora, | Bella, a gran torto...
Bello sguardo, | Io non so perché,
Perrichon, | Ohimè! Che vi ha fatto
Non mi fa paura, | il mio cuore?
Il gran rimpianto, | O Dio che donna avevo!
All'ombra del boschetto, | È giunta l'ora del mio
Il dolore che il cuor mi trafigge, | lamento,
La fiorita, | Il mio desio sarà d'amare,
Frate Pietro, | Chi è buono come me,
Egli è nato fortunato, | Dulcis amica,
Il dolore dello scudiero, | Il caldo,
Il dolore della carta, | Il castello,
Il grande Alemanno, | La violacciocca,
Per avergli detto di sì, | Vieni meco,
Il mosto della vigna, | Giurate il pegno,
Somigliava tutta, | La Notte,
Cremona, | Addio me ne vado,
La merciaia, | Il buon governo,
La trippaia, | Mezzo sonetto,
Figli miei, | Pampeluna,
Per falsa apparenza, | Essi han mentito,
La fortuna sbaglia, | La mia gioia,
Testimonium, | Mia cugina,
Calabro, | Lei ritorna,
L'estracco, | Metà e metà,
Gli amori, | Tutti i beni,
Speranza, | Come vorrete,
Il rubinetto, | Poiché in amore son
Triste piacere, | sfortunato,
Rigoron Piruì, | Alla verzura,
L'uccellino, | Su tutti i colori,
Biscaglina, | Nell'ora giusta,
La dolorosa, | Adesso sì ch'è bello amare,
Ciò che sapete, | Miei campi ameni,
Quanto è buono, | Il mio dolce cuore,
Il piccolo lamento, | Occhio acuto, piede lesto,
Al mio ritorno, | Pastorella amica mia,
Non ci sto più, | La tessitrice,
Poveri gendarmi, | La pavana,
Il falciatore, | Oilà, siete pur bella,
Non è per gioco, | La margherita,
Beltà, | Così va bene,
Ti fo grazia, regina, | La lana,
Pazienza, | Il tempo passato,
Navarra, | Il bel boschetto,
Jac Pastello, | Il più dolente,
Raul il Forte, | Digli del tempo che fu,
Nobiltà, | Le siepi.
Tutto al contrario,
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Cauldas,
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È il mio male,
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E ancora le vidi danzare al suono di vecchie canzoni del Poitou, cantate da un Lanternone di Saint-Maixent, o da un dormiglione di Parthenay-le-Vieil.
E notate, miei bevitori, che tutto si faceva in grande allegria, e bisognava vedere come si davan da fare quei galantoni di Lanternoni con le loro gambe di legno.
Sul finire, fu servito il bicchiere della staffa con un'ottima moschinculada, e la Regina, salutata da una salva di peti d'asina, gridò: «Vengano i doni!». Quindi ci concesse di scegliere una delle sue Lanterne per farci da guida: quella che più ci piacesse. E noi scegliemmo ed eleggemmo l'amica del grande Pier l'Amico143, che già un tempo avevo conosciuto. Per chiari segni ella del pari mi riconobbe, e a noi sembrò la più divina, la più idilliaca144, la più dotta, la più saggia, la più diserta, la più umana, la più alla mano, la più idonea di ogni altra Lanterna della compagnia a farci da guida.
Ringraziando umilmente la signora Regina, fummo accompagnati alla nostra nave da sette giovani Lanternoni ballerini che già luceva la stella Diana. Partendoci dal palazzo, udii la voce di un grande Lanternone dalle gambe storte il quale diceva che val meglio un solo buonasera di tanti buongiorno quante sono le castagne con cui i bravi cuochi han farcito le oche di Natale dal diluvio di Ogigia in poi; volendo significare che non c'è vera baldoria se non di notte, quando sono di scena le Lanterne in compagnia dei loro gentili Lanternoni. Queste delizie il sole non può vederle di buon occhio: prova ne sia che Giove, quando si giacque con Alcmena, lo fece star nascosto per due giorni, perché poco prima aveva rivelato a tutti le ruberie di Marte e di Venere.
CAPITOLO XXXIII
Come arrivammo all'oracolo della Bottiglia
Al chiaro lume e con la guida accorta della nostra nobile Lanterna, arrivammo in tutta letizia all'isola desiderata dove si trova l'oracolo della Bottiglia.
Sceso a terra, Panurgo fece uno sgambetto in aria su di un piede solo in segno d'allegria e disse a Pantagruele:
«Oggi finalmente abbiamo ciò che cercammo a prezzo di tante fatiche e travagli».
Poi si raccomandò cortesemente alla nostra Lanterna. Essa esortò noi tutti a bene sperare e a non spaventarci di nulla qualunque cosa ci accadesse di vedere.
Avvicinandoci al tempio della divina Bottiglia, ci toccò di passare attraverso un grande vigneto dov'erano allineate viti di ogni specie, come Falerno, Malvasia, Moscatello, Tabbia, Beaune, Mireval, Orléans, Picardan, Arbois, Coussy, Anjou, Grave, Corsica, Verron, Nérac e altre ancora. Questo vigneto era stato piantato un tempo dal buon Bacco con tale benedizione che portava foglia e fiore e frutto in ogni stagione come gli aranceti di San Remo. La nostra magnifica Lanterna ci ordinò di mangiarne tre grappoli ciascuno, di metterne dei pampini nelle scarpe e di tenerne un tralcio verde nella mano sinistra.
Attraversato il vigneto, passammo sotto un arco antico sul quale era graziosamente scolpito il trofeo di un bevitore, e cioè: da una parte un lungo ordine di boccette, borracce, bottiglie, fiale, barili, barilotti, boccali, pinte, anfore antiche, pendenti da una pergola ombrosa; da un'altra parte una gran quantità di teste d'aglio, cipolle, cipolline, prosciutti, bottarghe, crocchette al formaggio, lingue di bue affumicate, formaggi, e simili confetture intrecciate a pampini e insieme affastellate con sarmenti molto ingegnosamente; da un'altra parte ancora cento varietà di bicchieri, come bicchieri a piede, bicchieri a cavallo, coppe, calici, nappi, ciotole, scodelle, tazze, boccali, e altrettali bacchiche artiglierie. Sulla fronte dell'arco, sotto lo zooforo, erano scritti questi versi:
Se vuoi passar per qui da questa porta
fa che buona lanterna abbi di scorta.
«A questo» disse Panurgo, «abbiamo provveduto, poiché in tutta la regione del Lanternese non c'è Lanterna più lanterna e più divina della nostra».
Quest'arco magnifico faceva capo a un pergolato bello e spazioso tutto di ceppi di vigna, ornato di grappoli da una parte e dall'altra, di cinquecento forme diverse e di cinquecento diversi colori, non naturali ma conseguiti per arte d'agricoltura: gialli, blu, marrone, azzurrati, bianchi, verdi, neri, violetti, striati, variegati, lunghi, rotondi, a triangolo, quadrati, coglionati, incoronati, barbuti, cucuzzuti, erbati. E al termine chiudeva il pergolato un rigoglio di antichissime edere ben verdeggianti e cariche di bacche.
Qui la nostra nobilissima Lanterna ci comandò di prendere di quell'edera, di farcene un cappello albanese ciascuno e ricoprircene così tutta la testa; il che facemmo immediatamente.
«Qui sotto» disse allora Pantagruele, «non avrebbe mai osato passare il pontefice di Giove».
«La ragione» disse la nostra preclara Lanterna, «era mistica. Perché passandovi sotto, avrebbe avuto il vino, cioè i grappoli, sopra la testa, sì da sembrarne soggiogato e dominato; e ciò per significare che i pontefici e tutti i personaggi che si danno e consacrano alla contemplazione delle cose divine debbono mantenere in tranquillità i loro spiriti, cioè esenti da ogni perturbazione dei sensi, quale si manifesta nell'ebrietà più che in ogni altra qualsivoglia passione. Anche voi, essendo passati qui sotto, non sareste ammessi alla presenza della divina Bottiglia, se la nobile Bacbuc, sua pontefice, non vedesse le vostre scarpe piene di pampini: atto del tutto e diametralmente opposto al primo a significazione evidente che il vino vi è in dispregio ed è da voi calpestato e signoreggiato».
«Io» disse frate Giovanni, «non sono clerico nemmeno un po' e me ne dispiace; ma trovo nel mio breviario che, nell'Apocalisse, fu considerata cosa sorprendente l'apparizione di una donna con la luna sotto i piedi. Era, come mi ha spiegato Bigot145, per far sapere che lei, quella donna lì, non era delle stessa razza e natura delle altre, che tutte, al contrario, hanno la luna in testa e il cervello, per conseguenza, sempre lunatico. E questo mi induce facilmente a credere a ciò che voi dite, madama Lanterna, amica mia».
CAPITOLO XXXIV
Come scendemmo sotto terra per entrare nel tempio della Bottiglia e perché Chinon è la prima città del mondo
Così scendemmo sotto terra per un androne frettazzato a gesso che mostrava all'esterno, rozzamente dipinta, una danza di donne e satiri al seguito del vecchio Sileno tutto ridente a cavalcioni del suo somaro; e io dissi a Pantagruele che quell'entrata mi richiamava alla mente la Cantina dipinta della prima città del mondo. «Anche là» dissi, «ci sono pitture simili a queste e una bella frescura come qui».
«Dov'è e qual è» disse Pantagruele, «questa prima città che voi dite?»
«Chinon» dissi io, «o Caynon, in Turenna».
«So dov'è Chinon e anche la Cantina dipinta» disse Pantagruele. «Ci ho bevuto parecchi bicchieri di buon vino e fresco, e non dubito affatto che Chinon sia città molto antica: l'attesta il suo blasone dove è scritto:
Chinon, orgoglio di Turenna,
piccola città, gran rinomanza146,
su pietra antica hai stanza,
in alto il bosco, ai piedi la Vienna.
«Ma perché mai sarebbe la prima città del mondo? Dove si troverebbe scritto? In forza di quali congetture lo dite?»
«Io trovo» risposi, «nella sacra scrittura, che Caino fu il primo costruttore di città. Sembra dunque verosimile che la prima città che fondò la chiamasse Caynon, dal suo stesso nome, come poi fecero in seguito, sul suo esempio, tutti gli altri fondatori e instauratori di città, imponendovi il proprio nome: Atena (come i Greci chiamavano Minerva) ad Atene; Alessandro ad Alessandria; Costantino a Costantinopoli; Adriano ad Adrianopoli; Pompeo a Pompeiopoli in Cilicia; Canaan ai Cananei; Saba ai Sabei; Assur agli Assiri; e così Tolemaide, Cesarea, Tiberiopoli in Frigia, Erodium in Giudea».
Mentre andavamo così chiacchierando, uscì fuori il gran Fiasco (la nostra Lanterna lo chiamava Fiamma), governatore della divina Bottiglia, accompagnato dalla guardia del tempio, tutta di bottiglioni francesi; e vedendoci tirsiferi, come ho detto, e incoronati d'edera, e riconoscendo altresì la nostra insigne Lanterna, ci fece entrare senza esitazione e comandò che ci conducessero dritto alla principessa Bacbuc, dama d'onore della Bottiglia e sacerdotessa di tutti i misteri. E così avvenne.
CAPITOLO XXXV
Come discendemmo i gradini tetradici e la paura che n'ebbe Panurgo
Scendemmo dunque un gradino di marmo sotto terra: qui c'era un pianerottolo; girando a sinistra ne discendemmo altri due: ancora un pianerottolo; poi tre, girando, e di nuovo un pianerottolo; e così dopo altri quattro. Allora Panurgo domandò:
«E adesso?»
«Quanti gradini avete contato?» disse la nostra magnifica Lanterna.
«Uno, poi due, poi tre, poi quattro» rispose Pantagruele. «Quanto fanno?»
«Dieci»
«Adesso moltiplicate il risultato per la stessa tetrade pitagorica. Quanto fanno?»
«Fanno dieci, venti, trenta, quaranta» disse Pantagruele. «E quanto fa il tutto?» disse lei.
«Cento» rispose Pantagruele.
«Aggiungete» disse lei, «il cubo di due, cioè otto; al termine di questo numero fatale troveremo la porta del tempio. E abbiate l'accortezza di notare che si tratta della vera psicogonia di Platone, tanto celebrata dagli Accademici e tanto poco compresa: la sua metà è composta dell'unità, dei due primi numeri interi, del loro quadrato e del loro cubo».
Discendendo questi gradini numerali sotto terra, ci furono di gran conforto in primo luogo le nostre gambe perché senza di quelle saremmo scesi ruzzolando come botti in cantina; in secondo luogo la nostra preclara Lanterna, poiché in quello sprofondo non ci appariva maggior luce che se fossimo discesi nel buco di San Patrizio147 in Ibernia o nella fossa di Trofonio in Beozia148.
Discesi che fummo per settantotto gradini all'incirca, Panurgo si volse con un grido disperato alla nostra lucente Lanterna:
«Mirifica signora, ve ne prego con cuore contrito, torniamo indietro. Perché io qui, per zio morto, muoio di paura. Rinuncio fin da adesso a prender moglie. Avete già sopportato tante pene e fatiche per me, e che Dio ve ne renda merito nel suo gran rendimento! E io per me ne sarò ben grato se usciremo da questa caverna da Trogloditi. Ritorniamo, di grazia! Io dubito forte che questa sia proprio la caverna del Tènaro per la quale si discende all'Inferno, e già mi par di sentire i latrati canini di Cerbero. Ascoltate! È lui, è lui, se non mi tornano le orecchie. Io non gli porto la minima devozione, perché non c'è mal di denti peggiore di quando i cani vi addentano alle gambe. Se invece è la fossa di Trofonio, i lemuri e i folletti ci mangeranno bell'e vivi, come un tempo mangiarono uno degli alabardieri di Demetrio perché aveva dimenticato a casa i tortellini al miele. E te, frate Giovanni, dove sei? Ti prego, stammi vicino, pancione mio: io muoio di paura. Ce l'hai con te la tua lanzichenecca? Canchero! Io non ho con me nemmeno un temperino. Torniamo indietro!»
«Son qui, son qui» disse fra Giovanni, «e ti tengo per il colletto. Non aver paura. Non basterebbero diciotto diavoli a strapparti dalle mie mani. Mai non mancarono armi alla bisogna, quando un cuore saldo si unisce a un saldo braccio. All'occorrenza pioverebbero dal cielo, come un giorno nei campi della Crau, presso le Fosse Mariane in Provenza, che piovvero sassi (e sono ancora là) per aiutare Ercole che non aveva altrimenti di che combattere contro i figli di Nettuno. Ma com'è questa storia? Stiamo scendendo al limbo dei bambini, che ci cacherebbero addosso, oppure all'inferno a tutti i diavoli? Giuro, perdio, che ve li ingravido tutti dal culo, adesso che ci ho i pampini nelle scarpe! Davvero che me li sbatterei di gusto! Dov'è? Dove son dessi? Ho paura soltanto delle loro corna. Ma l'idea delle corna che Panurgo porterà da maritato basterà a garantirmene interamente. Già me lo vedo, nel mio spirito profetico, novello Atteone: corninculo, tornante, cornuto e cornatico».
Disse allora Panurgo:
«Bada a te, fratello, che in attesa di dar marito alle monache non ti tocchi di prendere in moglie la febbre quartana. Perché io sarei anche capace di uscire sano e salvo da questo ipogeo solo per il piacere di belinarti alla pecorara e farti retrocornigero e cornipetigeno. Credo peraltro che la quartana non sia baldracca da poterci dar dentro tranquilli. Mi ricordo che Mordigraffio voleva affibbiartela in moglie, ma tu gli hai dato dell'eretico».
Qui la disputa fu interrotta dalla nostra splendida Lanterna per farci avvertiti che quello era luogo da doverselo propiziare col rispetto e col porre freno alla lingua. Per il resto, ci dissuase in modo perentorio dalla speranza di potercene ritornare senza responso della Bottiglia, dal momento che avevamo foderato di pampini le nostre scarpe.
«Avanti dunque!» disse Panurgo. «Avanti allo sbaraglio contro tutti i diavoli! Tanto morire è questione di un momento. Tuttavia mi riservo di vivere per qualche altra battaglia. Avanti, buttiamoci, saltiamo il fosso. Ho coraggio da vendere e ne avanza. È vero che il cuore mi trema un po', ma è per il freddo e anche per la puzza di questa lurida caverna. Non è paura né febbre. Andiamo, bussiamo, pulsiamo, passiamo, pissiamo: Guglielmo senza paura mi chiamo io!»
CAPITOLO XXXVI
Come le porte del tempio si aprirono mirabilmente da se medesime
Al fondo della gradinata ci trovammo di fronte ad un portale di diaspro fino, costruito e lavorato nei modi dello stile dorico, sul cui frontone era scritto:
ἐν οἲνῳ ἀλήθεια
vale a dire in vino veritas. I battenti erano di bronzo (bronzo corinzio pareva)149 massicci e istoriati a piccole vignette a rilievo, graziosamente smaltate secondo che richiedeva la scultura, giustapposte esattamente e chiuse nella loro mortisa, senza serrature, né sbarre, né legamento alcuno: soltanto vi pendeva un diamante indiano della grossezza di una fava egizia, incastonato in oro, acconciato a due punte, in forma esagonale e linea diretta: da ogni lato, presso il muro, era appesa una resta d'aglio.
Là ci disse la nostra nobile Lanterna che avessimo per legittime le sue scuse se ella desisteva dall'accompagnarci più oltre: bastava che ottemperassimo alle istruzioni della sacerdotessa Bacbuc; perché a lei non era permesso di entrare per certe ragioni le quali era meglio tacere che esporre a esseri viventi vita mortale. Poi tirò via il diamante che pendeva lungo la connessura dei battenti e lo gettò a destra dentro una ciotola d'argento a ciò espressamente ordinata; poi estrasse dal cardine di ciascun battente un cordone di seta cremisina lungo una tesa e mezzo da cui pendevano le reste d'aglio; l'attaccò agli anelli d'oro che pendevano appositamente ai lati, e si tirò in disparte.
Subitamente i battenti, senza che alcuno li toccasse, si aprirono da soli, e nell'aprirsi mandarono non già un rumore stridente o un'orribile vibrazione come sogliono fare le porte di bronzo grosse e pesanti, bensì un dolce e gradevole murmure che risuonò sotto la volta del tempio e del quale Pantagruele comprese immediatamente la causa: c'erano, fissati con proprio cardine all'estremità dei battenti, due piccoli cilindri, i quali, ruotando su di una pietra dura di orfite ben levigata e tersa, via via che i battenti si aprivano accostandosi al muro, producevano con il loro attrito questo murmure delicato e armonioso.
Io non finivo di stupirmi del modo come le due ante, ciascuna per sé e senza che alcuno le spingesse, si erano aperte così. Per capire questo fatto meraviglioso, come fummo entrati, ficcai lo sguardo fra battenti e muro, avido di sapere per quale forza e per quale congegno i battenti avessero aderito al muro a quel modo, domandandomi se la nostra amabile Lanterna non avesse per caso applicato alla loro connessura un po' di quell'erba chiamata Etiope che ha la virtù di aprire qualunque cosa chiusa. Ma mi accorsi che la costa della mortisa interna, dove i battenti venivano a chiudersi, era una lama di acciaio fino incastonata nel bronzo corinzio; e vidi altresì due tavole di Magnete indiano, ampie e spesse mezzo piede, di color ceruleo, ben levigate e ben polite; tutto il loro spessore era incastrato nel muro, nel punto in cui l'apertura dei battenti, a porta spalancata, era limitata dal muro stesso.
Era dunque a causa della rapacità e violenza del Magnete che le lame d'acciaio, per occulta e mirabile istituzione di natura, pativano quel movimento; conseguentemente i battenti ne erano attratti e portati; non costantemente tuttavia, ma solo quando venisse tolto il diamante indiano che ho detto (per la cui vicinanza l'acciaio era assolto e dispensato dall'obbedienza ch'egli deve naturalmente al Magnete) e tolte anche le reste d'aglio (che la nostra Lanterna aveva lietamente rimosse e appese in disparte con il loro cordone cremisino) perché l'aglio mortifica il Magnete e lo priva d'ogni virtù attrattiva.
Nell'una delle dette tavole, a destra, in lettere latine antiche, era squisitamente scolpito questo verso giambico senario:
Ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt.150
Sull'altra, a sinistra, in lettere maiuscole elegantemente scolpite, lessi questa sentenza:
OGNI COSA MOVE AL SUO FINE.
CAPITOLO XXXVII
Com'era fatto il pavimento del tempio in mirabile mosaico
Lette queste iscrizioni, volsi i miei occhi alla contemplazione del magnifico tempio151 e consideravo l'incredibile fattura del pavimento, al quale non può essere ragionevolmente paragonata opera alcuna del genere che sia o sia stata sotto il firmamento, foss'anche il litòstroto152 del tempio della Fortuna in Preneste ai tempi di Silla, o il pavimento, che i Greci chiamavano Asarotum, opera di Sosistrato in Pergamo. Perché era fatto di piccole tessere quadrate, tutte di pietre fine e polite, ciascuna del suo colore naturale: quale di diaspro rosso gradevolmente maculato in tinte diverse; quale di ofite; quale di porfido; quale di licoftalmo seminato di pagliuzze d'oro minute come atomi; quale di agata a zone di piccole fiamme confuse e senz'ordine, di color latteo; quale di calcedonia chiarissima; quale di diaspro verde con certe venature rosse e gialle; e tutte erano ordinate e distinte in senso diagonale.
Il pavimento del loggiato era anch'esso a mosaico di piccole pietre giustapposte, ciascuna nel suo colore naturale ma qui adibite a disegnar figure; ed era come se su quel pavimento avessero sparso una giuncata di pampini buttati là senza troppo badare, perché in un punto apparivano più fitti e in un altro meno; e tutta quell'infogliatura era bellissima in ogni parte; ma, ciò che è più singolare, vi si intravvedevano a mezza luce qui una lumachina che strisciava sui grappoli, là una lucertoletta guizzante fra i pampini; e c'erano grappoli ancora acerbi e altri pienamente maturi, composti e raffigurati dall'architetto con tale arte e perizia che avrebbero tratto in inganno gli stornelli ed altri piccoli uccelletti come già l'antica pittura di Zeusi Eracliota. Come che sia, ingannavano benissimo noi. E infatti, dove l'architetto aveva seminato i pampini più spessi, temendo di graffiarci i piedi, camminavamo a grandi gambate, come si fa attraversando un luogo accidentato e roccioso.
Poi mi diedi a contemplare la volta del tempio e le pareti, tutte rivestite di marmo e di porfido composti a mosaico con mirifica figurazione, che correva da un capo all'altro e nella quale, a cominciare dal lato sinistro dell'entrata, era rappresentata, con eleganza incredibile, la battaglia vittoriosa del buon Bacco contro gli Indiani, nel modo che segue.
CAPITOLO XXXVIII
Come nel mosaico del tempio era raffigurata la battaglia vittoriosa di Bacco contro gli Indiani153
Nella prima parte erano rappresentate diverse città e villaggi, castelli, fortezze, campi e foreste, tutti in fiamme; e c'erano donne scarmigliate e discinte le quali, con furia selvaggia, squartavano vivi montoni, pecore, vitelli e si pascevano delle loro carni. Così veniva a noi significato come Bacco, entrando in India, tutto metteva a fuoco e sangue. Ciononostante, fu dagli Indiani preso talmente in ridicolo che non si degnarono nemmeno di andarlo a fronteggiare. Essi avevano appreso per notizia certa dai loro spioni che nelle sue schiere non c'era ombra di guerriero, ma soltanto un piccolo buon ometto, vecchio, effeminato e sempre ubriaco, accompagnato da foresotti tutti nudi, con code e corna come capretti e sempre danzanti e saltellanti, e da gran numero di donne ebbre. Onde si risolsero a lasciarli avanzare senza opporvisi con le armi, come se non tornasse a loro gloria, prodezza e onore, bensì a vergogna, disonore e ignominia, l'aver vittoria contro simile gente.
Assecondato da tale disprezzo, Bacco continuava a guadagnar paese e metteva tutto a fuoco (perché il fuoco e la folgore sono le armi paterne di Bacco, ed egli, prima di nascere al mondo fu salutato dalla folgore di Giove, mentre la madre Semele e la sua casa erano arse e distrutte dal fuoco) e metteva tutto a sangue; perché per sua natura egli ne dona in tempo di pace e ne chiede in tempo di guerra. E ne fanno fede i campi dell'isola di Samo, chiamati appunto Panaima, che vuol dire Tutto insanguinato, perché fu là che Bacco raggiunse le Amazzoni che fuggivano dalla contrada di Efeso e le mise tutte a morte per flebotomia, sì che il campo fu di sangue tutto imbevuto e ricoperto. Per cui d'ora in avanti voi potrete intendere, meglio di quanto non l'abbia spiegato Aristotele nei suoi Problemi, perché una volta si dicesse in proverbio che «in tempo di guerra non si mangia e non si pianta menta». La ragione è che in tempo di guerra si menan colpi senza rispetto, e all'uomo ferito, se in quel giorno ha mangiato o maneggiato menta, è ben difficile, se non impossibile che il sangue gli si rapprenda154.
Nel seguito del mosaico era poi raffigurato Bacco marciante in battaglia, e andava su di un carro magnifico tirato da tre pariglie di giovani pardi aggiogati insieme: la sua faccia era come di un fanciullo, a significare che tutti i buoni bevitori non invecchiano mai, rosso come un cherubino senza un pelo di barba al mento. In testa portava acute corna e su quelle una bella corona di pampini e d'uva con una mitria rossa cremisina; ai piedi calzava stivaletti dorati.
Al seguito, non un sol uomo aveva. Tutta la sua guardia, tutte le sue forze erano di Bassaridi, Eleidi, Eviadi, Edonidi, Treateridi, Ogigie, Mimallone, Menadi, Tiadi e Bacchidi155: femmine forsennate, furiose, indemoniate, cinte di dragoni e serpenti vivi in luogo di cinture, con i capelli scarmigliati al vento e ghirlande di pampini, vestite di pelli di cervi e caprioli, recanti in mano piccole asce, tirsi, roncigli, alabarde a forma di pigne, e certi piccoli scudi leggeri, sonanti e rumorosi a toccarli appena, dei quali esse usavano all'occorrenza come di tamburi e timpani. Ed erano in numero di settantanovemiladuecentoventisette.
L'avanguardia era condotta da Sileno, uomo nel quale Bacco riponeva ogni fiducia e del quale per il passato aveva, in diverse occasioni, conosciuto virtù e magnanimità, coraggio e prudenza. Era un piccolo vecchio tremolante, grasso e panciuto dal collo al pettignone; orecchie grandi ed erette, naso aguzzo e aquilino, sopraccigli ispidi e grandi come solchi; era montato su di un asino ben cogliuto; teneva in pugno un bastone per appoggiarsi e anche per combattere bravamente, nel caso che gli toccasse di scendere a terra; ed era vestito di una veste gialla, da donna. La sua compagnia era di gente rustica: tutti giovani, cornuti come capretti, crudeli come leoni, tutti nudi che andavano cantando e danzando la cordace156 senza posa; si chiamavano Titiri e Satiri e il loro numero era di ottantacinquemilacentotrentatré.
Pan conduceva la retroguardia, uomo orrifico e mostruoso. Nelle parti inferiori del corpo somigliava a un caprone, le cosce aveva villose, portava corna in testa diritte contro il cielo; il viso aveva rosso e infiammato e la barba lunghissima: uomo ardito, coraggioso, temerario e iracondo. Portava un flauto nella mano sinistra, nella destra un bastone ricurvo; anche le sue schiere erano composte di Satiri, Emipani, Egipani, Silvani, Fauni, Lemuri, Lari, Farfarelli e Folletti in numero di settantottomilacentoquattordici. Il motto comune a tutti era: Evoè!
CAPITOLO XXXIX
Come nel mosaico era rappresentato il combattimento di Bacco contro gli Indiani
L'episodio seguente raffigurava lo scontro e l'assalto portato da Bacco contro gli Indiani.
Là vidi Sileno, capo dell'avanguardia, che sudava a goccioloni e spronava aspramente il suo somaro; e il somaro che spalancava la bocca orribilmente, si smoscava, s'impuntava, sgroppava e scalciava in modo spaventevole, come se avesse un calabrone al culo.
I Satiri (capitani, sergenti di battaglia e capi di squadra), suonando la carica con i loro cornabecchi, si agitavano furiosi attorno all'armata a salti di capra, a sbalzi, a scarti, a peti, a springate, a capriole, incitando i compagni a combattere da prodi. Tutti, in figura, gridavano Evoè, e le Menadi per prime facevano incursione sugli Indiani, con le loro orribili grida, tra il frastuono spaventevole dei loro timpani e scudi; e tutto in tale evidenza che non c'è più da stupirsi se l'arte di Apelle, di Aristide Tebano e d'altri ha potuto dipingere tuoni, lampi, venti, folgori, grida, echi, parole e spiriti; poiché là, nei colori del mosaico, tutto il cielo rintronava del fragore dell'assalto.
Ed ecco l'oste degli Indiani, come avvertiti che Bacco metteva a sacco tutto il paese. Davanti a tutti, gli elefanti carichi di torri e con numero infinito di guerrieri; ma tutta l'armata era in rotta, e contro di essi e su di essi si volgevano e marciavano i loro stessi elefanti, in preda a terror panico e come fuor di cervello per il tumulto orribile delle Baccanti.
Là avreste visto Sileno che dava fieramente di calcagno al suo somaro, schermeggiando all'antica con il suo bastone, e l'asino volteggiare dietro agli elefanti a gola spalancata come se ragliasse; e ragliando suonava marzialmente l'assalto con la stessa foga di un tempo, quando svegliò Lotide in pieni baccanali: la Ninfa che Priapo, pieno di priapismo, voleva priapizzare senza chiederle permesso.
Là avreste visto Pan saltellare con le sue gambe storte intorno alle Menadi e incitarle con il suo rustico flauto a battagliare valorosamente. Avreste visto più oltre un giovane Satiro condurre prigionieri diciassette re, una Baccante uccidere con i suoi serpenti quarantadue capitani, un piccolo Fauno portare dodici insegne strappate ai nemici, e quel buon diavolo di Bacco andarsene tranquillo per il campo sopra il suo bel carro, ridendo, gongolando e bevendo a misura delle prodezze di ciascuno.
In fine era rappresentato in figura emblematica il trofeo della vittoria e il trionfo del buon Bacco. Il suo carro trionfale era tutto ricoperto d'edera (pianta rara nell'India e perciò molto considerata, poiché la rarità alza il prezzo di tutte le cose) presa e raccolta sul monte Meros. In questo fu poi imitato da Alessandro il Grande. Il suo carro era tirato da elefanti aggiogati assieme (e in questo fu poi imitato da Pompeo Magno a Roma, nel suo trionfo africano); e sopra il carro stava il nobile Bacco, bevendo ad un cantaro (come poi fu imitato da Mario dopo la sua vittoria sui Cimbri presso Aix-en-Provence); e tutta la sua armata era incoronata d'edera, e ricoperti ne erano i loro tirsi, scudi e tamburi, e nemmeno l'asino di Sileno c'era che non ne fosse ingualdrappato. Ai lati del carro seguivano i re indiani presi e legati con grosse catene d'oro. Tutta la brigata marciava con pompa divina, con gioia e allegrezza indicibili, recando infiniti trofei e fercule157 ricolme di spoglie nemiche, tra gioiosi epinici e piccole canzoni villerecce e strepitosi ditirambi.
Al termine del mosaico era descritto il paese d'Egitto, con il Nilo e i suoi coccodrilli, cercopitechi, ibis, scimmie e altre bestie del corteo, e Bacco marciava per quelle contrade sopra un carro tirato da due buoi, su uno dei quali era scritto in lettere d'oro Apis e sull'altro Osiris, perché in Egitto, prima dell'avvento di Bacco, non si era mai veduto né bue né vacca.
CAPITOLO XL
Come il tempio era rischiarato da una lampada meravigliosa158
Prima di venire alla descrizione della Bottiglia, vi dirò di una lampada meravigliosa, dalla quale era elargita luce per tutto il tempio tanto copiosa che, sebbene sotterraneo, ci si vedeva come vediamo in pieno mezzogiorno quando il sole risplende chiaro e sereno sopra la terra.
Nel mezzo della volta era fissato un anello d'oro massiccio della grossezza di un pugno. Da questo pendevano tre catene d'argento di grossezza poco minore, lavorate con bell'artificio, le quali, a due piedi e mezzo dalla volta, reggevano, come dentro un triangolo, una lamina d'oro fino, circolare, di grandezza tale che il diametro eccedeva due cubiti e mezzo palmo. In essa erano quattro orifizi in ciascuno dei quali era saldamente infissa una sfera vuota, cava dentro e aperta sopra; ed erano quattro piccole lampade di circa due spanne di circonferenza, tutte di pietre assai preziose: l'una di ametista, l'altra di carbonchio libico, la terza di opale, la quarta di topazio. Ognuna era piena d'acqua ardente159 cinque volte distillata in alambicco serpentino, inconsuntibile come l'olio messo un giorno da Callimaco nella lampada d'oro di Pallade160, nell'Acropoli di Atene, e con un lucignolo acceso, fatto in parte di lino asbestico161 (come quello veduto da Cleombroto, filosofo studiosissimo, nel tempio di Giove Ammone) e in parte di lino carpasico; i quali ambedue sono dal fuoco piuttosto rigenerati che consumati.
Al disotto di quel primo ordine di lumi, a circa due piedi e mezzo, le tre catene, scendendo diritte, allacciavano le tre anse di una grande lampada rotonda di cristallo purissimo, del diametro di circa un cubito e mezzo e aperta superiormente per un'ampiezza di circa due palmi. In mezzo a quest'apertura era calato e posato sul fondo del globo un vaso di eguale cristallo, in forma di zucca o di orinale e con acqua ardente in giusta quantità, sì che la fiamma del suo lino asbestico ardeva esattamente al centro della lampada grande. Il corpo sferico sembrava così ardere tutto e fiammeggiare, poiché il fuoco vi si trovava giusto nel cuore o punto mediano. Ed era difficile (stante i riflessi delle piccole lampade superiori sulla grande lampada inferiore nei diversi colori naturali alle pietre preziose, e la materia di sì meravigliosa trasparenza, e l'opera tanto diafana e luminosa) fermarvi a lungo lo sguardo, così com'è difficile fermarlo sul corpo del sole. E il fulgore delle quattro lampade minori errava per ogni dove nel tempio, mutevole e vacillante. Venendo poi questi vaghi bagliori a toccare la politezza dei marmi, dei quali tutto il tempio era rivestito, vi occhieggiavano gli stessi colori che vediamo nell'arcobaleno, quando il chiaro sole illumina le nubi gravide di pioggia.
Ammirevole era l'invenzione, ma ancor più ammirevole, sembra a me, che lo scultore avesse, attorno al ventre di quella lampada cristallina, impresso con lavoro di cesello una vivace e fervida battaglia di puttini nudi, montati su cavallucci di legno, con mulinelli per lance, con palvesi finemente composti di grappoli e pampini intrecciati, con gesti e sforzi puerili espressi con arte tanto ingegnosa che natura meglio non potrebbe. E non parevano incisi nella materia, ma in altorilievo o almeno rilevati a mo' di fregio grottesco, grazie alla luce che, rattenuta dentro, filtrava attraverso la scultura in modo gradevole e vario.
CAPITOLO XLI
Come dalla pontefice Bacbuc ci fu mostrata nel tempio una fontana fantastica
Mentre così ammiravamo estatici quel luogo sacro e mirifico e la sua lampada memorabile, ci si fece incontro, il volto lieto e ridente, la venerabile pontefice Bacbuc con il suo seguito, e vedendoci acconciati come sapete, ci introdusse senza difficoltà nella parte centrale del tempio, dove, sotto la grande lampada che ho detto, era una fontana fantastica, più preziosa per materia ed opera, più rara e mirifica di quanto Dedalo stesso potesse immaginare.
L'orlo, lo zoccolo e il basamento erano di purissimo e translucido alabastro: altezza tre palmi o poco più, di forma eptagona e lati esterni tutti eguali, con molti stilobati, arulete, cimaselle e modanature doriche all'intorno. Dentro era esattamente rotonda. Sul punto medio di ciascun angolo, al margine, posava una colonnina affusolata, inanellata al ventre di una spirale d'avorio e d'alabastro (gli architetti moderni le chiamano portrye), ed eran sette come i sette angoli. La loro altezza, dalla base agli architravi, era di sette palmi, poco meno, cioè commisurata esattamente alla dimensione di un diametro passante per il centro della circonferenza e rotondità interna della vasca.
E la loro disposizione era tale che, traguardando da dietro d'una di esse quale che fosse il suo diametro in quel punto, per osservare le altre a quella opposte, noi ci accorgevamo che il vertice del cono piramidale della nostra linea visuale terminava al centro suddetto e là incontrava un triangolo equilatero formato da due colonne opposte, del quale due linee dividevano la colonna (quella che si voleva misurare) in parti eguali e, tangenti esterne di due colonne al primo terzo d'intervallo, incontravano la loro linea basica e fondamentale; la quale, prolungata a disegno fino al centro dell'insieme e divisa in due parti eguali, dava l'esatta misura della distanza delle colonne opposte per linea diretta principiante all'angolo ottuso del margine; poiché, come sapete, in ogni figura angolare impari, ogni angolo viene a trovarsi in posiziome intermedia rispetto agli altri due. E qui si dava tacitamente ragione del fatto che sette mezzi diametri fanno in proporzione geometrica, ampiezza e distanza, poco meno della circonferenza della figura circolare dalla quale fossero estratti, e cioè tre diametri interi, con l'aggiunta di un ottavo e mezzo, poco più, o di un settimo e mezzo, poco meno, secondo l'antica avvertenza di Euclide, Aristotele, Archimede e altri.
La prima colonna, e cioè quella che per prima si presentava allo sguardo entrando nel tempio, era di zaffiro azzurrino e celeste.
La seconda di giacinto, con lettere greche A ed I impresse in più punti; e riproduceva al naturale il colore di quel fiore nel quale fu convertito il sangue collerico di Aiace.
La terza, di diamante anachite162, brillante e risplendente come folgore.
La quarta, di rubino balascio, mascolino e ametistizzante, di guisa che la sua fiamma e bagliore dava nel paonazzo e nel violetto com'è dell'ametista.
La quinta, di smeraldo cinquecento volte più splendido che non fosse il colosso di Serapide nel labirinto degli Egizi, più florido e più lucente che non fossero quelli apposti come occhi al leone marmomeo assiso sulla tomba del re Ermia.
La sesta, d'agata, più gaia e svariante, per macule e colori diversi, di quella che Pirro, re degli Epiroti, ebbe tanto cara.
La settima, di selenite trasparente, con la bianchezza del berillo e lo splendore del miele dell'Imetto. E vi appariva dentro la luna in moto e figura, com'è nel cielo: piena, silente, crescente o decrescente; e queste son pietre dagli antichi Caldei e Magi attribuite ai sette pianeti del cielo.
Ma per render la cosa evidente con più rozza Minerva:
sulla prima colonna, di zaffiro, al centro del capitello e in linea perpendicolare, era elevata, in piombo eluziano163 preziosissimo, l'immagine di Saturno con la sua falce in mano e con ai piedi una gru in oro artisticamente smaltato nei colori naturali e propri all'uccello saturnio;
sulla seconda, di giacinto, volgendo a sinistra, era Giove, in stagno gioveziano164: sul petto un'aquila d'oro, smaltata nei suoi colori naturali;
sulla terza, Marte, in acciaio, con ai piedi un picchio verde;
sulla quarta, in oro zecchino, Febo, con un gallo bianco sulla mano destra;
sulla quinta, Venere, in rame: la stessa materia in cui fu scolpita da Aristonide la statua di Atamante, che esprimeva in rosseggiante pallore la commozione ch'egli provava nel contemplare Learco, suo figlio, morto per una caduta; e ai suoi piedi una colomba;
sulla sesta, Mercurio in idrargirio165 fisso, malleabile e immobile, e ai suoi piedi una cicogna;
sulla settima, la luna, in argento, con ai piedi un levriero.
Ed erano quelle statue di altezza pari ad un terzo o poco più delle colonne sottostanti, e così armoniosamente proporzionate secondo il modello dei matematici che il canone di Policleto166, trovando il quale egli fu detto aver trovato l'arte di apprendere l'arte, avrebbe appena potuto reggere al confronto.
Le basi delle colonne, i capitelli, gli architravi, zoofori e cornici erano di modello frigio, d'oro più fine che non ne porti il fiume Lez presso Montpellier, il Gange in India, il Po in Italia, l'Ebro in Tracia, il Tago in Spagna, il Pactolo in Lidia.
Gli archetti, da colonna a colonna, erano della stessa pietra di ognuna fino alla successiva, e cioè, nell'ordine, di zaffiro verso il giacinto, di giacinto verso il diamante, e così di seguito.
Sugli archi e i capitelli delle colonne sorgeva una cupola eretta a coprire la fontana. Conforme la positura dei pianeti essa prendeva inizio in forma eptagona per terminare gradualmente in figura sferica; ed era di cristallo tanto puro, diafano, polito, compatto e uniforme in ogni sua parte, senza venature, senza opacità, senza bolle, senza striature, tale che Xenocrate mai ne vide uno paragonabile.
Dentro la sua concavità erano scolpiti nell'ordine, e in figure e caratteri squisiti, i dodici segni dello zodiaco, i dodici mesi dell'anno con le loro proprietà, i due solstizi, i due equinozi, la linea eclittica con alcune delle più insigni stelle fisse, attorno al polo antartico e altrove; e con tale arte e perspicuità che io pensai fossero opera dell'antico re Necepso o dell'antico matematico Petosiride.
Sulla sommità della cupola, corrispondente al centro della fontana, erano tre unioni eleiche167 tutte eguali e perfette nella loro sagoma lacrimale lievemente ritorta, riunite insieme in forma di fiore di giglio e così grandi che il fiore eccedeva l'ampiezza di un palmo. Dal calice usciva un carbonchio grosso come un uovo di struzzo, tagliato in forma eptagona (il sette è numero molto amato dalla natura) e tanto prodigioso e mirabile che, levando i nostri occhi a mirarlo, poco mancò che non perdessimo la vista. Perché più corrusco non è il fuoco del sole né più fulgente il fulgore del lampo di quanto quello ci apparisse: tanto che avrebbe oscurato il pantarba di Jarcas168, il mago indiano, così facilmente come il sole oscura le stelle in pieno mezzogiorno. E insomma, fra onesti estimatori sarebbe stato facile convenire che in quella lampada e in quella fontana vi erano più ricchezze e singolarità di quante ne contengano insieme l'Asia, l'Africa e l'Europa.
Vada ora a farsi bella Cleopatra, regina d'Egitto, con le sue due unioni pendenti agli orecchi, una delle quali, presente Antonio triumviro, fece sciogliere in acqua per virtù d'aceto e inghiottì, che valeva cento volte cento sesterzi. Vada ora a pavoneggiarsi Lollia Paolina, con la sua veste tutta coperta di perle e smeraldi alternamente intessuti169, che induceva in ammirazione tutto il popolo della città di Roma e della quale si diceva ch'era fossa ed emporio dei vincitori ladroni di tutto il mondo.
Il flusso e la caduta dell'acqua della fontana avveniva per tre tuboli di perle fini, disposti ai vertici dei tre angoli equilateri promarginali più sopra descritti: e procedevano questi canali in linea spirale bipartita.
Noi, dopo aver considerato anche questo, volgevamo altrove lo sguardo, quando Bacbuc ci invitò a porgere orecchio alla sortita dell'acqua. Allora sentimmo un suono meravigliosamente armonioso, ma ottuso e rotto come se venisse di lontano e di sotterra; e pareva così più dilettevole che se lo avessimo udito distintamente e da vicino: di guisa che, come già i nostri spiriti erano stati deliziati dalle cose suddette per le finestre degli occhi, altrettanto lo erano adesso per le orecchie, all'ascolto di quell'armonia.
Allora Bacbuc ci disse: «I vostri filosofi negano che per virtù di figure possa generarsi movimento; udite qui e prendete atto del contrario. È per la sola figura spirale bipartita che voi vedete, insieme ad una quintupla rivestitura mobile a ciascun riscontro interno (com'è nella vena cava là dove questa penetra nel ventricolo destro del cuore) che questa sacra fontana viene a sgorgare e ad effondere una tale armonia che monta fino ai mari del vostro mondo».
CAPITOLO XLII
Come l'acqua della fontana rendeva gusto di vino secondo l'immaginazione dei bevitori
Poi Bacbuc comandò che si recassero coppe, nappi, tazze e boccali, d'oro, d'argento, di porcellana; e noi, invitati graziosamente a bere del liquore della fontana, lo facemmo assai di buon grado. Perché, per dirvela chiara, noi non siamo del calibro di quella massa di sandroni che, come i passeri, i quali non mangiano se non gli fate tuc-tuc sulla coda, non bevono e non mangiano se non gli rompete la schiena a randellate: non sia mai detto che ci tiriamo indietro, noi, quando ci si invita cortesemente a bere.
E dopo Bacbuc ci interrogò per sapere cosa ne pensassimo. Noi le rispondemmo che ci sembrava buona e fresca acqua di fonte, limpida e argentina più che non sia quella dell'Argironda in Italia, del Peneo in Tessaglia, dell'Axio in Macedonia, del Cidno in Cilicia, le cui acque vedendo così belle, chiare e fresche nel cuore dell'estate, Alessandro il Macedone antepose la voluttà di bagnarvisi dentro ai mali ch'egli prevedeva potergli venire da quell'effimero piacere.
«Ah» disse Bacbuc, «ecco cosa succede a non considerare in sé né intendere i movimenti che fa il muscolo della lingua allorché la bevanda vi scorre sopra per scendere nello stomaco attraverso l'esofago, e non nei polmoni attraverso l'arteria ineguale, come fu opinione di Platone, Plutarco, Macrobio e altri! Ma, dico io, gente straniera, avete forse le canne della gola intonacate, lastricate e smaltate, come un tempo Pitilio detto il goloso170, che neppure avete riconosciuto il gusto e sapore di questo liquore deifico? Portate qui, disse alle sue damigelle, quelle mie spazzole che sapete, così che possiamo mondare e nettar loro il palato».
Furono dunque portati numerosi, giocondi e ben stagionati prosciutti, belle, grosse e gioconde lingue di bue affumicate, salumi vari e assai buoni, cervellate, bottarghe, caviale, bei salamini alla cacciatora e altri simili spazzagola. Per sua prescrizione, ne mangiammo fino a dover confessare che il nostro stomaco era sarchiato a dovere e che la sete ci importunava in modo abbastanza fastidioso. Allora lei ci disse:
«Un certo capitano ebreo, dotto e cavalleresco, conducendo un giorno per il deserto il suo popolo afflitto da estrema carestia, impetrò dai cieli la manna, la quale, per virtù d'immaginazione, ebbe per tutti il medesimo gusto che in precedenza avevano realmente le loro abituali vivande. Qui è lo stesso: bevendo di questo mirifico liquore, sentirete sapore di vino tale e quale lo avrete immaginato. Adesso immaginate e bevete».
Così facemmo, e subito Panurgo mise un grido, dicendo:
«Perdio! Questo qui è vino di Beaune, il migliore che abbia mai bevuto, e mi dò a novanta e sedici diavoli se non è vero! O poter avere, per gustarlo più a lungo, un collo di tre cubiti come desiderava Filosseno, o il collo di una gru come si augurava Melanzio».
«Parola di lanternaro» gridò fra Giovanni, «questo è vino di Grave, gagliardo e vorticoso! O, in nome di Dio, signora, insegnatemi come fate a farlo così!»
«Per me» disse Pantagruele, «questo dovrebbe essere vino di Mireveaux, perché lo immaginavo prima di berlo. Ha un solo difetto, che è fresco, dico freddo, più freddo del ghiaccio, più dell'acqua di Nonacris e Dercé, più che la fontana di Contoporia a Corinto171, che agghiacciava lo stomaco e gli organi digerenti di chi ne beveva».
«Bevete» disse Bacbuc, «bevete una, due, tre volte. E di nuovo, immaginando vini diversi, troverete gusto, sapore e liquore come lo avete immaginato. E d'ora in avanti non dite più che vi sia cosa alcuna impossibile a Dio».
«Mai non dicemmo il contrario» risposi, «noi proclamiamo ch'Egli è onnipotente».
CAPITOLO XLIII
Come Bacbuc acconciò Panurgo perché potesse ricevere il responso della Bottiglia
Finito di bere e cambiando discorso, Bacbuc domandò:
«Chi è di voi che vuole avere il responso della divina Bottiglia?»
«Io» disse Panurgo, «il vostro piccolo ed umile imbottavino».
«Amico mio» disse lei, «non ho da farvi che una sola raccomandazione: accostandovi all'oracolo, abbiate cura di non ascoltarne la parola che da una sola orecchia».
«Vino a un'orecchia!»172 esclamò fra Giovanni.
Poi la pontefice Bacbuc prese a preparare Panurgo. Lo infagottò in una palandrana verde, lo incappucciò di una bella cuffia bianca, lo imbacuccò di un filtro da ippocrasso al termine del quale, in luogo del fiocco mise tre stringhe; lo inguantò di due vecchie braghette, lo cinse di tre cornamuse legate insieme, gli bagnò la fronte tre volte dentro la fontana, gli gettò in faccia una manciata di farina, gli fece fare nove giri attorno alla vasca e tre bei saltarelli, gli fece sbattere sette volte il culo per terra, e sempre pronunziando non so quali scongiuri in lingua estrusca e leggendo ogni tanto non so cosa da un libro rituale che le portava appresso una delle sue mistagoghe173. Insomma io credo che Numa Pompilio, secondo re di Roma, i Ceriti di Tuscia e il santo capitano Giuda Maccabeo mai non istituissero tante cerimonie quante ne vidi allora; né i vaticinatori di Menfi per Api in Egitto, né gli Eubeiesi nella città di Rhamnes per Ramnusia, né altri dell'antichità per Giove Ammone o per Feronia, usarono mai altrettanta religiosa osservanza.
Così paludato, Panurgo fu separato dalla nostra compagnia e Bacbuc lo condusse in una cappella fuori del tempio, passando per una porta d'oro a mano destra. La cappella era fatta di pietre sfegitidi e speculari174 attraverso il cui diafano spessore, senza finestre né altre aperture, riceveva la luce del sole che batteva laggiù grazie alla fenditura della roccia sovrastante il tempio maggiore: e tanto agevolmente e in tale abbondanza che la luce sembrava nascere da dentro e non giungere da fuori. L'opera era non meno ammirevole di quanto fosse anticamente il sacro tempio di Ravenna175 o, in Egitto, il tempio dell'isola di Chemnis; e non è da passare sotto silenzio che l'impianto di questa cappella era stato concepito con tale simmetria che il diametro della circonferenza corrispondeva all'altezza della volta.
Nel mezzo c'era una fontana eptagonale di fine alabastro, di fattura e decorazioni singolari. Nell'acqua, tanto chiara da poterla considerare un elemento semplice, era immersa a metà la sacra Bottiglia, tutta rivestita di puro cristallo e di forma ovale, salvo che l'orlo era un poco più aperto di quanto a tale forma non convenga.
CAPITOLO XLIV
Come la sacerdotessa Bacbuc presentò Panurgo al cospetto della divina Bottiglia
Qui Bacbuc, la nobile sacerdotessa, mise Panurgo ginocchioni, poi lo fece alzare e gli fece ballare l'Ithimbo176 per tre giri torno torno la fontana. Fatto questo, gli ordinò di sedersi culo a terra, fra due scanni lì predisposti. Poi dispiegò un libro rituale e, suggerendogli all'orecchia sinistra, gli fece cantare un epilenio177 con queste parole:
O Bottiglia
di misteri
tutta piena,
della vena
tua divina
versa in questa
orecchia sola
la veridica parola.
Il tuo vero a rivelare,
la mia pena ad alleviare,
te ne prego, non tardare.
Vino divino, da te lungi stanno
ogni bassa menzogna e vile inganno,
e sia Noè qual santo venerato
perché il modo di farti ci ha insegnato.
Dì tu la gran parola che disperda
il mio tormento, e così mai si perda
goccia di te, sia bianca o sia vermiglia,
o divina, profetica Bottiglia!
Col deifico liquore
che racchiudi, Bacco dà
allegrezza e verità.
O Bottiglia
di misteri
tutta piena,
della tua
divina vena
il mistero a rivelare,
te ne prego, non tardare.
Finita questa canzone Bacbuc gettò non so cosa dentro la fontana e subito l'acqua cominciò a bollire come fa la grande marmitta di Bourgueil per la festa degli stendardi. Panurgo ascoltava da un'orecchia in silenzio e Bacbuc si teneva presso di lui ginocchioni, quando dalla sacra Bottiglia uscì un brusio come fanno le api quando nascono dalla carne di un torello ucciso e acconciato secondo l'arte e l'invenzione di Aristeo, o come fa un martinello nel tendere la balestra, o d'estate un acquazzone improvviso. E poi fu udita questa parola: TRINK.
«Virtù di Dio!» esclamò Panurgo. «Questa bottiglia qui o è rotta o è fessa: così parlano le bottiglie di cristallo al nostro paese, quando scoppiano accanto al fuoco».
Allora Bacbuc si alzò, prese Panurgo sotto braccio e gli parlò dolcemente così:
«Amico mio, rendete grazie ai cieli, la ragione ve lo comanda: voi avete avuto prontamente il responso della divina Bottiglia: dico il responso più lieto, più divino, più certo che mai abbia inteso da quando reggo il sacro ministero del suo sacrosanto oracolo. Levatevi dunque e andiamo al capitolo nella cui glossa quella lieta parola è interpretata».
«Andiamo, in nome di Dio» disse Panurgo. «Per adesso ne so quanto l'anno scorso. Mostratemi dov'è questo libro. Trovate dov'è questo capitolo e vediamo questa lieta glossa».
CAPITOLO XLV
Come Bacbuc interpreta la parola della Bottiglia
Bacbuc, gettando non so cosa dentro la vasca, onde subito l'ebollizione dell'acqua venne meno, condusse Panurgo nel tempio maggiore, al centro, là dov'era la vivifica fontana. E qui, tirato fuori un libro d'argento, grosso quanto un mezzo moggio o un Quarto di Sentenze178 lo immerse nella fontana e disse a Panurgo:
«I filosofi, predicatori e dottori del vostro mondo vi pascono per le orecchie di belle parole. Qui noi incorporiamo i nostri precetti per la bocca. Pertanto io non vi dico: Leggete questo capitolo, vedete questa bella glossa; io vi dico: Mandate giù, assaggiate questo capitolo, ingoiate questa bella glossa. Un tempo, un antico profeta della nazione giudaica, mangiò un libro e divenne chierico fino ai denti: adesso voi ne bevete uno e sarete chierico fino al fegato. Su, aprite le mascelle».
Avendo Panurgo spalancato la bocca, Bacbuc prese il libro; e noi credevamo che fosse veramente un libro per via della forma che era quella di un breviario; invece era una vera e propria e venerata bottiglia piena di vino Falerno che Bacbuc fece inghiottire a Panurgo fino all'ultima goccia.
«Ecco» disse Panurgo «un capitolo notevole e una glossa molto autentica. È tutto qui quel che voleva significare la parola della Bottiglia Trismegista? Benché la cosa, devo dire, mi va del tutto a fagiolo».
«Niente di più, niente di meno» rispose Bacbuc, «poiché Trink è parola panomfea179, celebrata e compresa da tutte le nazioni, e vuol dire: Bevete. Voi dite, nel vostro mondo, che la parola sacco è vocabolo comune a tutte le lingue e a buon diritto e rettamente inteso da tutte le genti, poiché, come dice l'apologo di Esopo, tutti gli uomini nascono con un sacco al collo, miseri per natura e mendicanti l'uno alla porta dell'altro: non c'è re sotto il cielo tanto potente che possa fare a meno degli altri; non c'è povero tanto arrogante che possa fare a meno del ricco, fosse pure un Ippia, il filosofo che faceva tutto da sé. E se non ci è dato di vivere senza sacco, tanto meno ci è dato di vivere senza bere. E qui affermiamo che non il ridere distingue l'uomo, bensì il bere180: e non dico bere puramente e semplicemente, perché anche le bestie bevono; io dico bere vino buono e fresco. Considerate, amici, che di vino divini si diventa e che non c'è argomento più veritiero né arte divinatoria meno fallace. I vostri accademici lo affermano, traendone ragione dall'etimologia vino e dicendo che in greco οἶνος corrisponde a vis, la forza. Perché esso ha il potere di riempire l'anima di ogni verità, di ogni sapere e filosofia. Se avete notato ciò che è scritto in lettere ioniche sulla porta del tempio, avrete potuto intendere che nel vino si cela la verità. Ad esso vi rimanda la divina Bottiglia: siate voi stessi interpreti dei vostri propositi».
«Tanto è saggia la parola di questa venerabile sacerdotessa» disse Pantagruele, «che meglio non si potrebbe dire: è la stessa risposta che vi diedi io quando me ne parlaste la prima volta;
E dunque Trink!... Che ve ne dice il cuore
esaltato da bacchico furore?»
«Dice: Trinchiamo!» rispose Panurgo:
«E sia nel sacro nome del buon Bacco!
Ah, oh, oh,
al diavolo mi dò
se non vo tosto all'attacco.
Ben pasciuta, zavorrata,
imbottita e decorata
sarà presto, a tutte coglie,
la bertocca di mia moglie.
Chi va là?
Dice qui sua santità,
e già so dove lo metto,
che non solo molto presto,
sotto il dolce patrio tetto,
saremo in due nel letto;
ma che la sposa
alle giostre di Venere
verrà vogliosa
con parole tenere.
Per zio, che spasso, che burattamento!
Già mi ci vedo: voglio darci dentro
a tutta canna, a tutto marito.
Non son forse rubizzo e ben nutrito?
A me il peana! A me il peana, a me
buon maritaggio tre volte tre.
Evoè, Evoè!
E a te, frate Giovanni,
fo giuramento vero e intelligibile
che questo bell'Oracolo è infallibile,
fatidico, sicuro e senza inganni».
CAPITOLO XLVI
Come Panurgo rimeggia in poetico furore e gli altri del pari
«Sei diventato matto» disse fra Giovanni, «o ti han fatto la fattura? Guardate come sbava! Sentite come versoveggia! Che diavolo ha mangiato? Risvolta gli occhi nella testa come una capra all'ultimo peto! Non sarà che ha bisogno di appartarsi? Ma ce la farà a cacare come prima? O mangerà l'erba dei cani per fare i porcellini? O farà come i monaci, che s'infilano un braccio in gola fino al gomito per sbrattare gli ipocondri? Riprenderà un po' del pelo del cane che l'ha morso?»181
Ma qui Pantagruele riprese fra Giovanni e gli disse:
«Credete a me:
È il buon Bacco che l'invesca
nella sua divina tresca,
sì che danzare e delirar gli tocca
di sensi e piedi, di cervello e bocca;
ché senza alterigia,
in lieta franchigia,
Bacco gli abbevera
del suo nepente
spiriti e mente:
dal pianto al riso,
dal riso all'estro,
in questo scoppio
di giocondità
che veder doppio
tutto gli fa,
fatto è il suo cuore,
che se ne intride,
re e vincitore
di chi lo irride;
e visto ch'è in poetico furore,
sarebbe grave errore di retorica
berteggiare un sì degno trincatore».
«Che succede?» disse fra Giovanni. «Fate versi anche voi? Giuro, prodeo, che siamo conciati per le feste. Piacesse a Dio che Gargantua ci vedesse in questo stato! Io non so proprio con chi stare: se mettermi a rimare come voi, oppure no. Io non me ne intendo proprio. Vedo però che siamo tutti un po' inversificati. Per San Giovanni, voglio inversificarmi anch'io come gli altri. Sento che ce la farò. Aspettate. E scusatemi se i miei versi non saranno proprio di taffettà del più fino:
O virtù di Dio paterna,
che mutasti l'acqua in vino,
fa del mio culo lanterna,
per far lume al mio vicino.
Com'è andata?»
Panurgo non rispose e continuò:
«Mai della Pizia il tripode
non disse per oracolo
cose più schiette e conte
che in questo tabernacolo.
Per cui non dubito
che questo fonte
fu dalla Focide
qui trasportato.
E se Plutarco avesse qui trincato
con me, non si sarebbe domandato
perché a Delfo la Pizia s'è taciuta
e se ne sta come una carpa muta.
Il fatto è semplice:
non è più laggiù
e parla qui e indovina anche di più.
Anche Ateneo che sempre al ver s'appiglia
scrive che il tripode era una bottiglia:
di vino ad un'orecchia182, ben s'intende,
di quel che al vero meglio s'apprende.
Poiché nell'arte della profezia
non c'è motto più sincero,
non pronostico più vero
di quel che uscito di bottiglia sia.
Frate Giovanni, orsù,
domandalo anche tu
alla boccia trismegista
se qualcosa c'è che obsista
a che prenda anche tu moglie,
per dar pace alle tue coglie.
Presto, parla, fatti sotto
che non sorga qualche intoppo:
vieni a giocare a buffone del re,
ch'io t'infarino la tua faccia a te»183.
«Sposarmi?!» gridò inferocito frate Giovanni:
«Eh? Ch'io mi sposi! Per gli stivaloni
e per le uose di San Benedetto,
meglio il canchero ai rognoni
che spartire con donna il proprio tetto!
Meglio rasato,
disonorato,
distonacato,
meglio inquisito,
cotto sul rogo,
incenerito,
che stare al giogo
come marito!
Chiunque mi conosca giurerà
che ancor nessuno al mondo visto ha
donna che valga la mia libertà.
E per tutti gli dèi,
nemmeno di legarmi accetterei
a un re, foss'anche re di tutto il mondo,
il più cavalleresco e il più giocondo».
A tanto, Panurgo, spogliandosi della palandrana e degli altri iniziatici paludamenti, rispose:
«Così sarai,
bestiaccia immonda,
dannato qual venefico serpente,
mentr'io, qual voce d'arpa o di ghironda,
in paradiso volerò innocente;
e di lassù, lo giuro, o sporcaccione,
farò su te del mio piscio alluvione.
Ma ascolta bene,
gran figlio di puttana:
quando la tua sottana
da Sant'Antonio
farà da ventola
al gran Demonio,
se mai Proserpina
dalla spinetta
che ti s'infregola
nella braghetta
spinar si faccia e stretto il patto sia
che tu di sopra e lei di sotto stia,
chi manderai per ghiottornie e per vino
all'oste più vicino?
Forse Plutone, ormai vecchio balordo,
rincoglionito e sordo?
Mai quella dama, benché prosperosa,
fece coi vecchi frati la smorfiosa,
e sempre di buon grado ci andò a letto,
specie coi frati di San Benedetto».
«Ma vai al diavolo, vecchio matto!» disse frate Giovani. «E non ti aspettare che ti risponda in rima: la rima mi prende alla gola, m'inruma e m'inreuma. Vediamo piuttosto di regolare il conto con questa brava gente di qui e andiamocene a casa».
CAPITOLO XLVII
Come, avendo preso congedo da Bacbuc, lasciammo l'oracolo della Bottiglia
«Non c'è conto da regolare» disse Bacbuc, «non ve ne date pensiero: ogni conto è già perfettamente regolato se sarete stati contenti di noi. Quaggiù, in queste regioni circumcentriche, noi ravvisiamo il sommo bene non nel prendere e nel ricevere, ma nel donare ed elargire, e ci reputiamo felici non se molto prendiamo e riceviamo da altri, come per avventura decretano le sette del vostro mondo, anzi se agli altri sempre e molto doniamo e siamo prodighi del nostro. Soltanto, vi pregherò di lasciare qui per iscritto, in questo libro rituale, i nomi vostri e dei vostri paesi».
Detto questo, aprì un grande e venerando libro nel quale, noi dettando e una delle sue mistagoghe scrivendo, furon tracciati, con uno stilo d'oro, alcuni segni come di scrittura; ma di questi nulla appariva alla vista. Poi ci riempì tre otri di acqua fantastica e, porgendoli a noi di sua mano, soggiunse:
«Andate, amici, sotto la protezione di questa sfera intellettuale, il cui centro è ovunque e in nessun luogo la circonferenza e che noi chiamiamo Dio; e tornati nel vostro mondo, recate chiara testimonianza che sotto terra vi sono grandi tesori e cose mirabili. E non a torto Cerere (colei che tutto il mondo riveriva per aver rivelato ed insegnato l'arte dell'agricoltura e posto in oblio fra gli uomini, con la scoperta del frumento, l'alimento brutale delle ghiande) fece un sì gran lamento per la figlia rapita, ben sapendo che in queste sotterranee regioni essa avrebbe trovato beni e cose eccellenti più che non ne avesse prodotte sua madre sopra la terra.
«Che ne è stato dell'arte di evocare dai cieli la folgore e il fuoco iperuranio, inventata un giorno dal saggio Prometeo? Voi l'avete certamente perduta: se ne è andata dal vostro emisfero. E a torto vi stupite quando vedete città ardere e incenerire per folgore e fuoco etereo, e non sapete da chi, per opera di chi, e da che parte muova questa calamità, orribile ai vostri occhi, ma familiare e utile per noi. I vostri filosofi i quali si lamentano che tutto sia stato descritto dagli antichi e che nulla di nuovo sia rimasto per loro da inventare, sono palesemente nel falso. Ciò che vi appare del cielo, ciò che il mare e tutti fiumi contengono non è paragonabile a quel che si nasconde nelle viscere della terra, il cui sovrano dominatore è nominato giustamente, in quasi tutte le lingue, come simbolo di ricchezza184.
«E quando i vostri filosofi porranno ogni zelo e fervore nel ricercare un re, implorandolo, quel Dio sovrano che già gli Egizi, nel loro linguaggio, chiamavano l'Ascoso, l'Oscuro, l'Occulto (e invocandolo con tali nomi lo pregavano di manifestarsi e rivelarsi), Egli elargirà loro conoscenza di sé e delle sue creature. Ma converrà che abbiano per guida una buona Lanterna. Poiché tutti i saggi e i filosofi dell'antichità due cose hanno stimato necessarie per compiere con sicurezza e diletto il cammino della conoscenza divina e conseguire la sapienza: la guida di Dio e la compagnia degli uomini.
«Così, tra i filosofi, Zoroastro prese Arimaspe per compagno delle sue peregrinazioni; Esculapio ebbe Mercurio; Orfeo, Museo; Pitagora Aglaofemo; e fra gli Ateniesi, Platone ebbe dapprima Dione di Siracusa in Sicilia, mancato il quale fu amico di Zenocrate; e Apollonio ebbe Damide.
«Quando dunque i vostri filosofi, guidati da Dio e accompagnati da qualche chiara Lanterna, si daranno a cercare e investigare con cura, com'è nella natura degli uomini (e per tale qualità sono da Erodoto e da Omero chiamati alfesti) troveranno ben veritiera la risposta del saggio Talete ad Amasis, re degli Egizi, quando, volendo questi sapere da lui in quale cosa vi fosse più alta prudenza, rispose: «Nel Tempo»; perché in virtù del tempo furono e in virtù del tempo saranno tutte le cose latenti portate alla luce. Per questo gli antichi hanno chiamato Saturno – il Tempo – padre di Verità, e Verità figlia del Tempo. E infallibilmente anche scopriranno che tutto il loro sapere e dei loro predecessori è appena una minima parte di ciò che è, e non ancora sanno.
«Da questi tre otri che al presente io vi dò voi trarrete discernimento e conoscenza, giusta il proverbio che dice: Dalle unghie il leone. Per la rarefazione di questa nostra acqua che dentro vi sta, intervenendo il calore dei corpi superiori e il fervore del mare salato, nonché per la naturale trasmutazione degli elementi, promanerà da questi vasi aria molto salubre che vi varrà come vento propizio, chiaro, sereno e delizioso; poiché il vento non è che aria ondeggiante e fluttuante. Grazie a questo vento, voi seguirete, se vi aggrada, una rotta diretta senza prendere terra, fino al porto di Olona in Talmondois. Basterà che per mezzo di questo piccolo spiraglio d'oro, che qui vedete applicato come un flauto, voi ne volgiate verso le vostre vele quel tanto che vi parrà bastevole, per navigare dolcemente, felicemente e in tutta tranquillità, senza pericoli né tempeste.
«Non temete di nulla e non pensate che la tempesta esca e si generi dal vento: è il vento che viene eccitato dalle tempeste nelle profondità degli abissi. E non pensate neppure che la pioggia provenga da impotenza delle virtù ritentive e da pesantezza delle nubi sospese; essa cade per evocazione dalle sotterranee regioni, così come, per evocazione dai corpi superiori essa dal basso in alto era stata impercettibilmente attratta; e lo attesta il re profeta cantando e dicendo che l'abisso chiama l'abisso185.
«Dei tre otri, due sono pieni dell'acqua che ho detto; il terzo, di un liquido attinto al pozzo dei saggi indiani, chiamato la botte dei Bramini. Troverete inoltre le vostre navi debitamente rifornite di tutto ciò che potrebbe esservi utile e necessario durante il viaggio di ritorno. Non ho atteso il momento della vostra partenza per dare ordini a che vi si provvedesse largamente.
«Andate, amici, con animo lieto, e portate questa lettera al vostro re Gargantua; e salutatelo da parte nostra insieme ai principi e agli uffiziali della sua nobile corte».
Detto questo, ci consegnò una lettera chiusa e sigillata, e dopo che le avemmo reso eterne grazie, ci fece uscire per una porta adiacente alla cappella, dove ci esortò a proporre quesiti ardui ed elevati tanto da raddoppiare l'altezza del monte Olimpo.
In fine volgemmo al porto dove ci attendevano le nostre navi; e vi giungemmo attraversando una terra piena di ogni delizia, piacevole, temperata più di Tempe in Tessaglia, più salubre di quella parte d'Egitto che guarda verso la Libia, irrigua e verdeggiante più di Temiscira, più fertile delle pendici del monte Tauro verso Aquilone, più dell'isola iperborea nel mare Giudaico, più che Caliga sui monti Caspici: fragrante, serena ed amabile quanto la terra di Turenna.
Fine del Quinto ed ultimo Libro
dei fatti e detti eroici del
buon Pantagruele
NOTE
5 Dal greco: isola delle Delizie.
6 Che ripercuote l'Eco sette volte.
7 Le quattro tempora: i tempi di digiuno prescritti dalla Chiesa all'inizio di ciascuna stagione dell'anno.
8 Il famoso testo di grammatica elementare.
9 I giorni del digiuno, che in latino si chiamavano feriae esuriales.
10 Dal latino aeditus: sacrestano, guardiano.
11 Nome applicato tradizionalmente a un tipo proverbiale di pedante sciocco.
12 Cantori delle cerimonie funebri (Aulo Gellio, XX, 2, 3): qui eufemismo per beccamorti, credo.
13 Uccelli orribilmente diarroici (Eneide, VIII, 214).
14 Priapo, dicono le favole antiche, durante una festa notturna degli dèi, sorprese Vesta addormentata. Tentò di approfittarne, ma gli andò male a causa dei ragli dell'asino di Sileno. Gli dèi, accorsi alle grida di Vesta, lo trovarono in tale stato che nessuna pelle bastava più a coprire, per così dire, le sue intenzioni (v. Ovidio, Fasti, VI, e Lattanzio, Div. Ist., lib. 1). Resta da spiegare come mai qui frate Giovanni diventi (lui!) contemplativo e come Pantagruele si trovi a giocare un ruolo che semmai converrebbe a Panurgo.
15 Per questa antica credenza, v. Virgilio, Georgiche, lib. IV, vv. 283-285; e Plinio, His. nat., lib. XI, cap. XXIII.
16 Evidente allusione allo scisma di Avignone.
17 Dal latino bardocucullus: incappucciati.
18 Anche la favolosa giumenta di Gargantua (Libro I, cap. XVI) veniva dall'Africa.
19 Parole di scongiuro.
20 Sacerdoti di Iside.
21 La povera gente, oppure i monaci, a seconda che la parola si faccia derivare dal greco o dall'ebraico.
22 Allusione alla riforma che indusse molti monaci a lasciare i conventi.
23 Non si sa a che abbia inteso alludere Rabelais con questo vaso di rose.
24 Nel testo, gourmandeurs: bisticcio fra gourmand (ghiottone) e commandeur (commendatore). Non ho trovato di meglio, per recuperare il doppio senso, che valermi del latino comedere (divorare).
25 Nome e proprietà di questa pianta sono menzionati da Plinio (XX, 7).
26 È né più né meno che la descrizione della croce, che però argutamente non si nomina.
27 Sono i colori delle divise dei diversi ordini cavallereschi.
28 Allusione al voto di celibato dei cavalieri.
29 Il celebre motto dell'Ordine della Giarrettiera.
30 San Michele che sconfigge Satana: insegna dell'Ordine di San Michele.
31 L'insegna dell'Ordine del Toson d'Oro.
32 Divinità malefiche.
33 La Camarina era un lago di acque fangose che a smuoverle effondevano miasmi, donde il proverbio: Ne move Camarinam. Le regioni aquilonari che non contribuiscono al sostentamento degli uccelli sacri sono l'Inghilterra e i paesi tedeschi separati dalla chiesa romana.
34 Probabile allusione a una qualche festa o processione con grande spiegamento di croci e bandiere.
35 In questa domanda di Pantagruele sono implicite ben cinque citazioni: da Erasmo, da Platone, da Cicerone, da Democrito e da Plinio.
36 Maliscon: deformazione di Matisco, nome latino della città di Mâcon. Rabelais conobbe a Roma nel 1535-1536 Charles Hémard, vescovo di Mâcon. Anche Pierre du Châtel, lettore del re Francesco I, fu vescovo di Mâcon. E vi fu in Francia, al principio del XVI secolo, un canonista di nome Jean de Mâcon.
37 Nel testo, chevecier, donde un bisticcio con chevêche (civetta), non recuperabile in lingua italiana.
38 Nel testo, soufflegan, probabile alterazione di suffraganeo, specie di vicevescovo o facente funzione di vescovo.
39 Onocrotalo, probabile alterazione di Protonotario.
40 Gioco di equilibrio che consiste nel camminare con le mani a testa in giù e le gambe per aria, divaricate.
41 Secondo Burgaud des Marets, alcuni re francesi, prima di Francesco I, datavano le loro lettere «Dai nostri deserti di Fontainebleau».
42 Qui, sinonimo di dadi.
43 Nel testo, chatzfourrez, gatti impellicciati, cioè giudici e magistrati, con allusione all'ermellino che adorna le loro toghe. Ma costoro, come si legge più avanti, il pelo ce l'hanno dentro. Così mi è parso lecito e opportuno ribattezzarli in italiano Gatti felpati, recuperando in tal modo anche quel tanto di subdolo e di sinistro che è proprio dell'originale fourrez e che l'equivalente italiano (impellicciati) non renderebbe adeguatamente.
44 Probabilmente, per rastrelliere debbono intendersi i banchi dei giudici. Al di sopra, le mangiatoie, cioè a dire gli scaffali pieni di incartamenti.
45 Locuzione proverbiale della quale i chiosatori hanno dato interpretazioni diverse. Si tratta in ogni caso di una metafora significante cavillo, malversazione e soperchieria.
46 Altra espressione proverbiale che designa il tipo del povero diavolo senza fissa dimora.
47 Plutarco, De Iside et Osiride, 20.
48 Nel testo, or sà: interiezione che non ha il suo esatto equivalente in lingua italiana e che tuttavia mi sembra doversi qui tradurre alla lettera, trattandosi di un bisticcio altrimenti non recuperabile e del cui doppio senso (oro qua, date oro qua) è intessuto tutto il capitolo.
49 Griffons, così erano chiamate le guide in Savoia. Ma Rabelais, probabilmente, con uno dei soliti ammicchi, intende alludere agli scrivani e cancellieri (greffiers).
50 Probabilmente questo passo, come ha osservato di recente Guy Demerson, vuol essere una parafrasi del principio aristotelico che «la generazione di una cosa è sempre la corruzione di un'altra» e viceversa; e non già, come si riteneva tradizionalmente, un'allusione alla dottrina di San Paolo sulla resurrezione della carne (Ai Corinzi, 1, 15, 42).
51 Il re di Argo che impose ad Ercole le sue fatiche.
52 Le due montagne dello stretto di Gibilterra, dette altrimenti colonne d'Ercole.
53 Gioco di parole fra scotto e scoto (scozzese), con allusione al grande avversario di San Tommaso, Duns Scoto, chiamato appunto Dottor Sottile.
54 Sta per sergente avido d'argento.
55 Paese vicinissimo a Chinon.
56 Per il seguito di questo capitolo, v. Nota al testo e Appendice.
57 Nel testo: passasmes Outre, alla lettera: passammo oltre. Il divertimento verbale all'inizio di questo capitolo sta nel bisticcio fra Outre e Outré, dove variamente si combinano diversi significati come oltre, otre, eccessivo e simili: gioco non pienamente recuperabile in lingua italiana.
58 Se non vestito degli abiti pontificali.
59 Stando al titolo, questo capitolo è ovviamente incompiuto.
60 La Quinta Essenza degli alchimisti.
61 Promontorio nei pressi di Brest.
62 Il cosiddetto 'fuoco di Sant'Elmo', che annuncia il ritorno della bonaccia, secondo la tradizione marinara.
63 Panurgo è prodigo come al solito nel promettere cose assurde o impossili.
64 Si ignora a quali giuristi stranieri si faccia qui allusione.
65 Enrico Cornelio Agrippa, lo stesso personaggio rappresentato nel cap. XXV del Libro III sotto il nome di Her Trippa.
66 È la famosa frase dell'avvocato Pathelin nell'omonima farsa (cfr. Libro IV, Prologo dell'autore, nota 22).
67 Cotiral allude probabilmente alla pietra filosofale o alla Quinta Essenza.
68 Nenia ritmata per dare il tempo ai rematori.
69 Alchimista arabo del VII secolo. È Cornelio Agrippa che chiamava l'alchimia la cucina di Geber.
70 Scienza vana: di cose futili.
71 Qui nel senso di Intelligenza o intima essenza delle cose.
72 In senso aristotelico, starebbe per principio attivo dell'anima. Ma gli umanisti tanto avevano discusso su questo termine ch'esso era diventato di moda finendo per assumere correntemente il significato generico di cosa perfetta, impareggiabile, sublime.
73 Si allude qui ad una disputa già sorta fra gli antichi e ripresa dagli umanisti, nella quale Panurgo, con la battuta che segue, dichiara, facendo lo gnorri, di non volersi immischiare.
74 Libro dei Giudici, XII, 6.
75 Pronunziando la formula rituale: Le roi te touche, Dieu te guerisse. E pare che qualcuno guarisse. Questa facoltà taumaturgica era tradizionalmente attribuita ai re di Francia e d'Inghilterra.
76 Di questi termini di varia derivazione greca, latina ed ebraica, i significati, sulla scorta dei più autorevoli chiosatori, sarebbero, nell'ordine, i seguenti: distillatori, fonditori, impastatori, assaggiatori, cucinieri, saggi, consiglieri, notabili, illuminati, principi, nobili, professori, giganti. Ma non mancano incertezze al riguardo.
77 Erasmo, Apophtegmata, V.
78 Moto retrogrado, in astronomia, è il moto di un corpo celeste, allorché ha luogo in senso contrario a quello secondo cui il sole percorre l'eclittica, cioè in senso contrario all'ordine dei segni zodiacali.
79 Due gesti propri dell'uomo quando è in profonda meditazione.
80 Jecabot, eminin, dimion, arborin, chelimin, carabot: parole tolte dall'ebraico e significanti, nell'ordine, astrazioni, verità, immagini, concetti, sogni, visioni terrificanti. Gli altri termini della serie appartengono alla filosofia scolastica.
81 Plinio, VII, 21.
82 Non mihi si linguae centum sint, oraque centum / Ferrea vox... (Virgilio, Eneide, VI)
83 Il caso, riferito però a Cicerone e Pompeo (non a Ortensio), è così narrato da G.B. Vico: «Cicerone e Pompeo presi un giorno da vaghezza di sapere all'improvviso come giornalmente si trattasse nel cenare Lucullo, imbattendosi in lui per avventura sulla piazza, il salutano, gli addimandano la cena e sì gli dicono: Però vedi, Lucullo, di non mandar messaggero innanzi, perciocché non ci piace che per noi spesa alcuna si faccia. Lucullo, facendo sembiante di ricusare pregava i due grandi amici che si contentassero il giorno appresso venir seco a cenare; e come quello che non potette impetrarlo, soggiunse: almeno lecito mi sia dire a uno schiavo in qual cenacolo dobbiamo cenare stasera; e, fattagli di ciò licenza, va', disse a uno, e di' che io voglio cenare in Apollo; ed incontanente li menò a casa, dove ritrovarono con loro meraviglia un apparato sopra ogni lor credenza lauto e reale; non sapendo essi che Lucullo, uomo di erudito lusso, aveva più cenacoli in certi nomi distinti ché, proferitone uno, il dispensiere e il cuoco sapessero che e quanto facesse di mestieri alla cena; e la somma a quel di Apollo tassata era cinque mila ducati» (Delle cene sontuose dei Romani).
84 Verole de Rouen et crottes de Paris, erano proverbialmente rinomate come incurabili.
85 Tenés, il mitico legislatore di Tenedo, aveva stabilito che una guardia armata di bipenne stesse in permanenza dietro al magistrato che rendeva giustizia.
86 Nel testo: senza soluzione di continuità, giusta la definizione di Ippocrate: Vulnus est solutio continui.
87 Dopo averlo estratto, naturalmente.
88 Impiastro di pece e olio.
89 Rompere l'anduglia (o l'anguilla) alle ginocchia, era frase proverbiale che significava: tentare l'impossibile; v. Libro IV, cap. XLI.
90 V. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XLVIII, nota 139.
91 Con evidente allusione alle questioni di lana caprina.
92 È il detto dei latini: Age quod agir.
93 Famoso ghiottone e gastronomo del tempo di Augusto. S'impiccò quand'ebbe dato fondo, in gozzoviglie, alle sue sostanze.
94 Plinio, XXXIII, 10.
95 Due qualità chiaramente incompatibili. Nel testo: «Seullement ay à vous advertir que là je veniz des pastés en paste, chose fori rare, et les pastés en paste estoient pastés en pot». Dove la facezia prende gusto soprattutto da un gioco di assonanze verbali.
96 Nel testo, le divise delle due schiere in campo sono rispettivamente di drap d'or e drap d'argent. Ma, in una danza di parole come il capitolo seguente, l'uso, che vi spesseggerebbe, degli aggettivi corrispondenti in italiano (aureo, aurato, dorato, argenteo, argentato e simili) mi è parso impraticabile per motivi essenziali di ritmo e velocità. Di qui la decisione di convertire l'oro e l'argento nel bianco e nel blu (sacrilegio?).
97 Cioè le torri.
98 Cioè le pedine.
99 Questo capitolo, come il precedente, è largamente ripreso dal Sogno di Polifilo di Francesco Colonna (Hypnerotomachia Poliphili), reso noto in Francia da una traduzione di Jean Martin (1546).
100 Greco: da danzatori sulla corda.
101 Famoso flautista tebano. Suida riferisce questo episodio a Timoteo e non ad Alessandro.
102 Guide.
103 Dal greco: strada o cammino.
104 Facezia popolare che consiste nell'equiparare un'indicazione di tempo a un'indicazione di luogo. Cfr. Libro IV, Antico prologo.
105 Nel testo, et le moins chevauchant, con analoga allusione alla declinante virilità di Epistemone, il più vecchio della compagnia.
106 Si tratta evidentemente di un fiume ghiacciato. Rabelais sembra aver qui dimenticato che siamo nel paese dove i cammini camminano.
107 Cfr. Libro IV, cap. X.
108 Questo Chothu non si sa cosa sia e cosa c'entri. Da notare che gli ultimi due capoversi di questo capitolo si trovano nel manoscritto, ma non nella edizione del 1564.
109 Allusione rimasta misteriosa.
110 I Serviti o Servi Sanctae Mariae, cioè particolarmente devoti alla Madonna
111 In questo passo, Rabelais, o chi per esso, si compiace in una serie di bisticci coniugando termini musicali con nomi di ordini monastici: bisticci che non sembra possibile utilizzare in lingua italiana se non derogando largamente dalla lettera del testo. Da qui le licenze che il traduttore ha dovuto concedersi.
112 L'Arabia Petrèa.
113 «Sopra tutto, abbiate amore intenso gli uni per gli altri, perché l'amore copre moltitudine di peccati», San Pietro apostolo, Ep. I, IV, 8.
114 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. XIX.
115 Marmo di Paro.
116 «Narri displosa sonat quantum vesica, pepedi / Diffissa nate ficu...», Orazio, Satire, I, VIII, vv. 46-47.
117 Degli antipodi.
118 Circa la funzione dei talloni corti, v. supra, cap. XX.
119 I lebbrosi erano in fama di sfrenata libidine.
120 C'era forse chi sperava che un simile provvedimento potesse essere adottato dal Concilio di Trento.
121 Popolazione del nord. Forse Rabelais intende alludere alle nazioni che, avendo accettato la Riforma, non osservavano più la quaresima.
122 Liocorni. La descrizione che segue è tratta da Plinio, VIII, 31.
123 Cortaldo è propriamente il cavallo cui sono state mozzate le orecchie e la coda: qui sta per membro virile.
124 Giulio Cesare fu ucciso all'incirca con lo stesso numero di pugnalate.
125 Rabelais sembra essersi scordato che sta descrivendo appunto tale paese.
126 Per alcune di queste bestie favolose, vedasi, al solito, Plinio, VIII, 19 e 30. Per l'ultima, si veda Pulci, Morgante Maggiore, XXV, 313.
127 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, cap. III.
128 Viaggiatore e naturalista francese, contemporaneo di Rabelais e autore di un trattato sui pesci.
129 Erba magica, secondo Plinio, capace di far rinascere l'amore.
130 Antichissimo mulino sulla Garonna, famoso non tanto per il numero delle sue mole quanto per l'arditezza della sua diga che tagliava il fiume dando luogo a una cascata sorprendente.
131 Luigi de Verthema, anche lui autore di un viaggio in Oriente (1520).
132 Il distretto della Manche era considerato per eccellenza patria dei falsi testimoni. Cfr. Racine, Les Plaideurs, a. I, sc. VI.
133 Lampiridi e cicindeli sono rispettivamente i nomi latini e greci delle lucciole.
134 Popolazione che vive a lume di lanterna.
135 Cioè aveva vegliato la notte per preparare le sue orazioni. Ma solo per questo?
136 Obelischi a forma di lanterna, personificati.
137 Aristofane il grammatico e Cleante lo stoico.
138 Cfr. Luciano, Contro un ignorante che comperava molti libri, dove si narra di un amatore credulone che comperò quella lanterna per 3000 dracme immaginando ch'essa avesse la virtù di rendere celebre chi la possedeva.
139 Lampada a più becchi: è il titolo di un epigramma di Marziale.
140 Lampada a 20 becchi; v. Antologia Palatina, VI, 148.
141 Luminare majus e Luminare apothecariorum: trattati di farmacia molto conosciuti nel XVI secolo.
142 Le nostre lampade si spengono.
143 Pierre Lamy (già menzionato al Libro III, cap. X, nota 65) fu compagno di gioventù di Rabelais nel convento francescano di Puy-Saint-Martin e al par di lui appassionato di studi classici.
144 Nel testo, «hilique», parola incomprensibile.
145 Filosofo; v. supra, cap. XVIII.
146 Petite ville, grand renom; queste parole erano effettivamente iscritte nello stemma della città di Chinon.
147 Il buco di San Patrizio, in Irlanda, nella contea di Donegal, era una caverna buia in un'isola del lago Derg. Si credeva che coloro che vi sostavano una notte e vi compivano certe cerimonie ne sortissero mondi d'ogni peccato.
148 Trofonio, figlio di Apollo, viveva in una caverna dove pronunziava oracoli.
149 Le descrizioni di questo capitolo sono largamente riprese dall'Hypnerotomachia di Francesco Colonna.
150 Dalla CVII epistola di Seneca, il filosofo, che lo desunse dallo stoico Cleante: «I Fati conducono chi ad essi consente, traggono a forza chi ad essi resiste».
151 Riprende l'imitazione dell'Hypnerotomachia di F. Colonna.
152 Mosaico.
153 I capp. XXXVIII e XXXIX sono largamente ispirati al Dioniso di Luciano.
154 Aristotele credeva che la menta raffreddasse il corpo, diminuisse il seme genitale, l'audacia e il valore bellico. Dioscoride, Ippocrate e altri medici ritenevano che riscaldasse e fosse afrodisiaca.
155 Per questi nomi di baccanti, cfr. Celio Rodigino, Antiquae Lectiones, XVI, 2.
156 Antica danza lasciva.
157 Dal latino: carretta costruita apposta per il trasporto e l'esibizione di trofei e spoglie nemiche.
158 Anche la descrizione di questa lampada è largamente ripresa dal già citato Sogno di Polifilo.
159 È l'Agua ardiente degli Spagnoli, cioè l'Acquavite.
160 Questa lampada, che ardeva giorno e notte, veniva riempita una volta l'anno e dunque l'olio non era inconsumabile come dice Rabelais (Pausania, I, 26, 7) e Callimaco ne era semplicemente l'autore, non il fornitore d'olio.
161 Amianto.
162 Riferisce Plinio che certuni chiamavano così il diamante per la sua virtù di vincere i veleni, i turbamenti mentali e di fugare i vani terrori (XXXVII, 15).
163 Purificato. Cfr. Plinio XXXIV, 16.
164 Specie di piombo.
165 Cioè appunto mercurio.
166 Policleto aveva fatto una statua così perfetta per le sue proporzioni che divenne modello canonico per gli altri scultori.
167 Grosse perle indiane a forma di pera.
168 Secondo Filostrato (Vita di Apollonio) il pantarba era una pietra preziosa dell'India analoga alla calamita. Jarca era un mago indiano più volte citato nella stessa opera.
169 Lollia Paolina. Plinio dichiara di averla vista, smaragdis margaritisque opertam, alterno textu fulgentibus (Hist. nat., IX, 58).
170 «Clearco riferisce che un certo Pitilio detto il goloso, non contento della membrana che ricopre la lingua, vi metteva sopra uno strato di materia mucosa per farvi aderire ancor più il sapore di ciò che mangiava; e che poi toglieva questo intonaco raschiandosi la lingua con un pesce», (Ateneo, Banchetto, I, 6).
171 Ateneo, II, 6.
172 Vino a un'orecchia era detto quello che faceva chinare la testa agli intenditori in segno di assenso (vino buono); vino a due orecchie quello che gliela faceva scuotere in segno di diniego (vino cattivo).
173 Sacerdotesse addette all'iniziazione dei neofiti.
174 Una specie di pietre trasparenti.
175 Dedicato ad Apollo.
176 Danza bacchica.
177 Canto bacchico o vendemmiale.
178 Il Libro IV delle Sentenze di Pietro Lombardo.
179 Dal greco panomfaios: che rende oracoli in tutte le lingue.
180 Cfr. Gargantua, Libro I, Ai lettori, ultimo verso.
181 Detto popolare: sconfiggere un avversario; si riferisce anche all'uso di curare i postumi di una sbornia con qualche sorso della stessa bevanda che l'ha causata.
182 Il vino buono; v. supra, cap. XLIII, nota 174.
183 Come già Bacbuc l'aveva infarinata a lui; v. supra, cap. XLIII.
184 Per l'antica identificazione di Pluto (dio della ricchezza) con Plutone, dio degli Inferi.
185 Salmi, XLII, 8.
APPENDICE
Per queste pagine espunte dal Libro V e date qui in appendice, v. Nota al testo.
Dal cap. 15 del Libro V, ultimi capoversi:
Tosto che fra Giovanni e o altri della compagnia furono sulla nave, Pantagruele fece vela; ma si levò uno scirocco di tal veemenza che perdettero la rotta, e seguendo un cammino che rischiò di condurli nuovamente al paese dei Gatti felpati, entrarono in una grande insenatura; e là un mozzo, dalla cima dell'albero di trinchetto, essendo il mare molto alto e terribile, gridò che si vedeva ancora l'odiosa roccaforte di Mordigraffio. Per cui Panurgo si mise a urlare già fuor di senno dalla gran paura.
«Padrone, amico mio» gridava, «diamo volta, padrone. Non badare al vento e alle onde. Non torniamo per carità in quel brutto paese dove ho lasciato la mia borsa!»
E intanto il vento li portava nei pressi di un'altra isola alla quale tuttavia non osarono accostarsi così allo scoperto, e vi approdarono a più di un miglio di là in un tratto di costa protetto da grandi rocce.
CAPITOLO XVI
Come Pantagruele arrivò all'isola degli Apedefti dalle dita lunghe e dalle mani uncinate e delle avventure e mostri terribili che vi incontrò
Gettate le ancore e assicurata la nave alla fonda, calammo in mare il canotto, e dopo che il buon Pantagruele ebbe recitate le preghiere e ringraziato il Signore di averlo salvato in così grande pericolo, tutti entrarono con lui nel palischermo per prendere terra; il che riuscì loro assai facile, essendo ora il mare più calmo e calata la forza dei venti, sì che in poco tempo giunsero a piè delle rocce.
Come furono sbarcati, Epistemone che ammirava la disposizione del paesaggio e la stranezza di quelle scogliere, si accorse subito della presenza di alcuni abitanti del luogo. Il primo al quale si rivolse indossava un abito corto di color lionato, aveva un farsetto di lana grezza con le maniche sotto di raso e sopra di camoscio e una coccarda al berretto: uomo abbastanza di buone maniere e che, come sapemmo poi, si chiamava Guadagnamolto. Epistemone gli chiese come si chiamavano quelle rocce e quelle valli così strane. Guadagnamolto gli disse che il paese delle rocce (una colonia tratta dal paese di Procura) si chiamava I Quaderni e che al di là delle rocce, passato un piccolo guado, avremmo trovato l'isola degli Apedefti1.
«Virtù delle Stravaganti!»2 disse frate Giovanni. «E voi, gente dabbene, di che cosa vivete da queste parti? Ce la faremo a bere nei vostri bicchieri? Perché qui non vedo altri arnesi che pergamene, penne e calamai».
«Ma anche noi viviamo di questo» rispose Guadagnamolto, «perché è giocoforza che tutti quelli che hanno affari sull'isola passino per le nostre mani».
«Perché?» disse Panurgo. «Siete voi barbiere da dovergli dare per forza una ripassata alla testa?»
«Alla testa no» rispose Guadagnamolto, «ma ai testoni delle loro borse, a quelli sì».
«Perdio!» disse Panurgo. «Da me non avrete né un soldo né un baiocco; ma, ve ne prego, mio bel sire, conduceteci al paese degli Apedefti; perché noi veniamo dal paese dei Sapienti dove lì non ho guadagnato il becco di un quattrino».
Così chiacchierando giunsero all'isola degli Apedefti, perché il guado era facile da passare. Pantagruele rimase sbalordito, nel vedere la struttura delle case di abitazione di quella gente, poiché essi dimorano all'interno di un grande torchio al quale si accede per cinquanta gradini, e prima di pervenire al Torchio maestro (poiché là dentro ve n'è di piccoli, grandi, segreti, mezzani e di ogni sorta) vi tocca di passare per un grande Peristilio dove si vede dipinta una rassegna di quasi tutte le rovine del mondo: tanti patiboli, e ladroni, e forche, e contese, e torture, e calamità d'ogni specie da restarne atterriti.
Guadagnamolto, vedendo che Pantagruele si interessava a tutto ciò, gli disse:
«Signore, andiamo più avanti: questo è niente».
«Come niente?» disse frate Giovanni. «Per l'anima della mia braghetta calda, io e il mio amico Panurgo siamo qui che tremiamo di fame. Non ci sarebbe modo, dico io, di bere qualcosa invece di star qui a guardare tutte queste sciagure?»
«Venite» disse Guadagnamolto. E ci condusse a un piccolo torchio ricavato e come nascosto nella parete posteriore e che nel linguaggio del luogo chiamano Pitie3. E non chiedeteci se fra Giovanni e Panurgo ne profittarono, perché là salami di Milano, galli d'India, capponi, ottarde, malvasia e ogni sorta di ghiotti bocconi erano disponibili e allestiti a regola d'arte. Un piccolo bottigliere, visto che frate Giovanni aveva lanciato un'occhiata amorosa sopra una credenza a una bottiglia solitaria, cioè separata dalle schiere bottigliesche che riempivano il buffet, disse a Pantagruele:
«Signore, vedo che uno dei vostri fa la corte a quella bottiglia; vi supplico che nessuno la tocchi perché è riservata ai nostri Signori di qui».
«Come» disse Panurgo, «vi sono dunque dei Signori qua dentro? Vi si vendemmia, a quanto vedo».
Allora Guadagnamolto ci fece salire per una scaletta segreta in una camera dalla quale farci scorgere i Signori che stavano al gran torchio dove ci disse che a nessuno era dato di entrare senza permesso, ma che noi avremmo potuto vederli bene per una piccola feritoia e senza esserne visti.
Di là scorgemmo venti o venticinque furfanti attorno a un gran tavolaccio rivestito di verde che si guardavano fra loro. Avevano alle mani unghie lunghe come zampe di gru e altrettanto le unghie dei piedi, perché è loro vietato di tagliarsele; di modo che diventano adunche come arpioni; e subito fu portato un grosso grappolo di quell'uva che si vendemmia da quelle parti dalla pianta dello Straordinario4 e che spesso pende da un palo.
Tosto che il grappolo fu là essi lo misero sotto il torchio e non vi fu chicco dal quale essi non traessero olio d'oro; tanto che il povero grappolo fu poi portato via così sdrucito e secco da non poterne cavare più nemmeno una lacrima di liquore al mondo. Ci raccontava Guadagnamolto che non sempre i grappoli sono così grossi, ma che ne hanno sempre degli altri sotto il torchio.
«E ne hanno tante di queste piante?» chiese Panurgo.
«Sì» disse Guadagnamolto. «Vedete quel grappolino che viene rimesso al torchio in questo momento? Quello viene dal vitigno delle Decime. L'hanno già torchiato giorni fa, ma l'olio sentiva di scrigno di prete e i signori lo trovarono giù di condimento».
«Perché allora» chiese Pantagruele, «lo rimettono al torchio?»
«Per vedere» disse Guadagnamolto, «se non vi sia qualche perdita o qualche difetto di spremitura».
«Virtù di Dio!» esclamò frate Giovanni. «E voi li chiamate ignoranti? Diavolo! Ma questa è gente che tirerebbe olio da un muro».
«Fanno anche questo» disse Guadagnamolto, «perché spesso mettono sotto il torchio castelli, parchi, foreste, e da tutto traggono oro potabile».
«Vorrete dire portabile» osservò Epistemone.
«No, no, potabile» disse Guadagnamolto, «perché qui se ne beve una quantità di bottiglie che non si berrebbero altrove. Ce n'è di tante specie di tanti vigneti diversi che se ne ignora il numero. Venite da questa parte e guardate in quel cortile: eccone là più di mille che non aspettano altro che di essere torchiati. Eccone del vigneto generale, eccone del particolare, delle fortificazioni, dei prestiti, dei doni, delle casuali, dei domini, dei minuti piaceri, delle poste, delle offerte, della Casa del Re».
«E quello là, quello grosso con tutti quelli piccoli intorno?»
«Quello è il grappolo del risparmio: la miglior vigna di tutto il paese» disse Guadagnamolto. «Quando si torchia un grappolo di quelli non c'è uno di quei Signori che non se ne giovi fino a sei mesi dopo».
Quando quei Signori se ne furono andati, Pantagruele pregò Guadagnamolto di condurci nel Torchio grande, ciò ch'egli fece di buon grado. Appena entrati, Epistemone che intendeva tutte le lingue cominciò a spiegare a Pantagruele la nomenclatura del torchio, ch'era grande e bello, fatto, a sentire Guadagnamolto, col legno della croce: perché su ciascuna parte era scritto il suo proprio nome nella lingua del paese. Sulla vite era scritto entrate, sul bacile uscite, sulla chiocciola stato, sugli arieti radietur, sull'albero del torchio somme da riscuotere, sui fusti sofferenze, sulle zeppe recuperetur, sui tini plus valore, sulle anse registri, sugli ammostatoi acquisti, sulle gerle convalide, sulle tinozze ordinanza valevole, sulle secchie potere; e visto sull'imbuto.
«Per la regina delle Anduglie!» disse Panurgo. «Tutti i geroglifici egiziani son roba da ridere rispetto a questo gergo qui: parole che suonano armoniose come tanti caccarelli di capra. Ma perché diavolo, compare, amico mio, gli abitanti di qui son chiamati Ignoranti?»
«Perché» disse Guadagnamolto, «non sono né debbono essere istruiti nemmeno un po', e qui dentro, per ordinanza superiore, tutto deve essere fatto secondo ignoranza e non devesi tener conto d'altra ragione che questa: che i Signori lo vogliono, che i Signori l'hanno ordinato».
«Per il vero Dio» disse Pantagruele, «se i loro sacramenti non son da meno dei loro sarmenti, saranno, dico io, una cosa seria, visto quanto guadagnano con la spremitura di quei grappoli».
«Ne dubitate?» disse Guadagnamolto. «Qui non passa mese che non ne abbiamo. Non è come da voi che il sarmento non vale che una volta l'anno...»
Di là, dopo essere passati per mille altri torchi, uscendo, scoprimmo un altro piccolo scrittoio intorno al quale quattro o cinque di quegli Ignoranti, unti e rabbiosi come asini cui abbiano attaccato un razzo alle natiche, si davano da fare con un piccolo torchio a ripassare ancora le vinacce dei grappoli già spremuti da altri. Costoro, nella lingua del paese sono chiamati Correttori.
«Sono, soltanto a vederli» disse frate Giovanni, «i più repellenti villani che io abbia mai incontrato».
Dal Grande Torchio passammo, per infiniti piccoli torchi tutti pieni di vendemmiatori che piluccavano i grani con certi ferri chiamati Articoli dei Conti. E finalmente arrivammo in una sala bassa dove vedemmo un grande alano con due teste di cane, ventre di lupo, unghiuto come un diavolo di Lamballe5, che era nutrito con latte di amendorle6 e godeva di un trattamento così delicato per espressa ordinanza dei Signori, ognuno dei quali ne ricavava un profitto non inferiore alla rendita di una buona masseria e che nel linguaggio loro chiamavano Doppia. Vicino gli stava sua madre a lui eguale di pelo e di forma, salvo che aveva quattro teste, due di maschio e due di femmina, e aveva nome Quadrupla: la bestia più furiosa che fosse là dentro e la più pericolosa dopo sua nonna che vedemmo rinchiusa in una segreta e che lì chiamavano Omissione di riscossione.
Frate Giovanni che aveva sempre venti aune di budella vuote pronte ad ingoiare un manicaretto di avvocati, cominciando ad averne fin sopra i capelli, pregò Pantagruele di pensare al desinare e di condurre con sé Guadagnamolto. E allora, uscendo di là per la porta di dietro, incontrammo un vecchio incatenato, mezzo ignorante e mezzo sapiente, come un Androgino del diavolo, tutto corazzato di occhiali come una tartaruga di scaglie e che si nutriva di un'unica vivanda, chiamata, sempre nel loro dialetto, Ricorsi. Vedendolo, Pantagruele domandò a Guadagnamolto di che razza fosse questo protonotario e come si chiamasse. Guadagnamolto ci raccontò come da tempo antichissimo fosse lì incatenato con grande rammarico dei Signori che lo facevano quasi morire di fame, e si chiamava Revisit.
«In nome dei santi coglioni del papa» disse frate Giovanni, «ecco davvero un bel ballerino, né io mi sorprendo se i signori ignoranti di qua fanno gran conto di quel pappalardo. Perdio, mi pare, amico Panurgo, se guardi bene, che assomigli a quel brutto ceffo di Mordigraffio. Questi, per ignoranti che siano, ne sanno quanto gli altri. Io lo rimanderei volentieri là donde è venuto a scudisciate nel culo».
«In nome dei miei occhiali d'oriente» disse Panurgo, «hai ragione. Frate Giovanni, amico mio, hai proprio ragione: a vedere il grugno di questo falso villano Revisit, io dico che è anche più ignorante e carogna di questi Ignoranti di qua che spremono grappoli al meglio che possono senza lunghi processi e in quattro e quattrotto vendemmiano il vigneto senza tante interlocutorie e senza tanti nettascarpe. Anche i Gatti felpati ne hanno piene le tasche».
NOTE
1 Ignoranti, in greco.
2 Cfr. Libro IV, cap. XLVIII, nota 175.
3 Probabilmente Otre, probabilmente dal greco e con probabile allusione alla buvette della Corte dei Conti; della quale Corte questo capitolo parrebbe voler essere una rappresentazione allegorica e satirica.
4 Pare si alluda qui alla forca riservata ai profittatori di guerra, in particolare ai malversatori dell'Extraordinaire des guerres.
5 Piccola città di Bretagna. Il detto è divenuto proverbiale grazie probabilmente a qualche sacra rappresentazione con apparizione di diavoli.
6 Nel testo: «nourry de laict d'amendes», gioco di parole fra amandes (mandorle) e amendes (ammende).
SOMMARIO
Introduzione
Cronologia della vita e delle opere
Bibliografia
Nota al testo
GARGANTUA E PANTAGRUELE
Libro I
LA MOLTO SPAVENTEVOLE VITA DEL
GRANDEGARGANTUA
PADRE DI PANTAGRUELE
Già composta dal signor Alcofribas
astrattore di quinta essenza
Libro pieno di pantagruelismo
Ai lettori
Prologo dell'autore
I | Genealogia e antichità di Gargantua
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II | Le Fanfaluche antidotate, trovate in monumento antico
III | Come Gargantua fu portato per undici mesi nel ventre di sua madre
IV | Come Gargamella, essendo incinta di Gargantua, si fece una spanciata di trippe
V | I discorsi dei ben bevuti
VI | Come fu che Gargantua venne al mondo in modo molto strano
VII | Come Gargantua ebbe nome e battesimo e come lui ci beveva sopra
VIII | Come Gargantua fu vestito
IX | I colori di Gargantua
X | Sopra i significati del bianco e del blu
XI | L'adolescenza di Gargantua
XII | I cavallucci di legno di Gargantua
XIII | Come Gargamagna si accorse dell'ingegno meraviglioso di Gargantua dall'invenzione di un nettaculo
XIV | Come Gargantua fu istruito nelle lettere latine da un teologo
XV | Come Gargantua fu affidato ad altri pedagoghi
XVI | Come Gargantua fu mandato a Parigi, com'era la giumenta che lo portò e come questa sbaragliò i tafani della Beauce
XVII | Come Gargantua pagò il benvenuto ai Parigini e come s'impadronì dei campanoni di Notre-Dame
XVIII | Come Giannotto de Bragmardo fu inviato a Gargantua per ottenere la restituzione delle campane
XIX | La perorazione di Mastro Giannotto de Bragmardo davanti a Gargantua per ottenere la restituzione delle campane
XX | Come il teologo si portò via il suo panno e come venne in lite con i sorbonisti
XXI | Gli studi e la dieta di Gargantua secondo la disciplina dei suoi precettori sorbonisti
XXII | I giochi di Gargantua
XXIII | Come Gargantua fu educato da Ponocrate in modo tale che non perdeva un'ora del giorno
XXIV | Come Gargantua impiegava il suo tempo nei giorni freddi e piovosi
XXV | Come fu che nacque fra i focacceri di Lené e la gente del paese di Gargantua la grande lite alla quale dovevano seguire grandi guerre
XXVI | Come fu che gli abitanti di Lerné, per ordine di re Picrocolo, assalirono alla sprovvista i pastori di Gargantua
XXVII | Come un monaco di Seuillé salvò l'orto del l'Abbazia dal sacco di nemici
XXVIII | Come Picrocolo prese d'assalto la Roche Clermaud e con quanto rammarico e riluttanza Gargamagna intraprese la guerra
XXIX | Il tenore della missiva di Gargamagna a Gargantua
XXX | Come Ulrico Gallet fu inviato a Picrocolo
XXXI | L'arringa di Gallet a Picrocolo
XXXII | Come Gargamagna, per conseguire la pace, fece restituire le focacce
XXXIII | Come certi governatori di Picrocolo, per avventato consiglio, lo spinsero all'estremo pericolo
XXXIV | Come Gargantua lasciò la città di Parigi e come Ginnasta incontrò i nemici
XXXV | Come Ginnasta uccise con astuzia il capitano La Trippa e altri Picrocolini
XXXVI | Come Gargantua demolì il castello del guado di Veda e come il guado fu attraversato
XXXVII | Come Gargantua, pettinandosi, faceva piovere dai capelli proiettili d'artiglieria
XXXVIII | Come Gargantua mangiò in insalata sei pellegrini
XXXIX | Come il monaco fu festeggiato da Gargantua e i bei discorsi che egli tenne a tavola
XL | Perché i monaci sono fuggiti dalla gente e perché certuni hanno il naso più grosso di certi altri
XLI | In che modo il monaco fece addormentare Gargantua e come recitava il breviario
XLII | Come il monaco incoraggiava i suoi compagni e come fu che rimase appeso a un albero
XLIII | Come Gargantua incontrò gli esploratori di Picrocolo e come il monaco uccise il capitano Tirinnanzi e poi fu fatto prigioniero
XLIV | Come il monaco si liberò delle sue guardie e come il manipolo di Picrocolo fu sbaragliato
XLV | Come il monaco portò in salvo i pellegrini e le buone parole che disse loro Gargamagna
XLVI | Come il Gonfianuvole prigioniero fu trattato umanamente da Gargamagna
XLVII | Come Gargamagna riunì le su legioni e come Gonfianuvole ammazzò Lingualesta e fu ammazzato a sua volta per ordine di Picrocolo
XLVIII | Come Gargantua assalì Picrocolo dentro la Roche Clermaud e ne sbaragliò l'armata
XLIX | Come Picrocolo fuggendo ebbe mala ventura e quel che fece Gargantua dopo la battaglia
L | La concione che Gargantua tenne ai vinti
LI | Come i Gargantuisti furono ricompensati dopo la battaglia
LII | Come Gargantua fece edificare per il monaco l'Abbazia di Telème
LIII | Come fu costruita e dotata l'Abbazia dei Telemiti
LIV | Così era scritto sulla porta maggiore di Telème
LV | Come era il Castello dei Telemiti
LVI | Com'erano vestiti i religiosi e le religiose di Telème
LVII | La regola dei Telemiti e il loro modo di vivere
LVIII | Enigma e profezia
Libro II
PANTAGRUELE, RE DEI DIPSODI, RESTITUITO AL NATURALE
Con le sue gesta e prodezze spaventevolidescritte dal fu Mastro Alcofribas astrattore di Quinta Essenza
Strofe in decima rima di Mastro Ugo Salel all'autore di questo libro
Prologo dell'autore
I | Sulle origini e l'antico lignaggio del grande Pantagruele
---|---
II | Sulla natività del temibilissimo Pantagruele
III | Dolore di Gargantua per la morte di Badalocca sua sposa
IV | L'infanzia di Pantagruele
V | La giovinezza di Pantagruele
VI | Come Pantagruele incontrò un Limosino che contraffaceva la lingua francese
VII | Come Pantagruele andò a Parigi e i bei libri che trovò nella biblioteca di San Vittore
VIII | Come Pantagruele, stando a Parigi, ricevette una lettera dal padre, e quello che vi era scritto
IX | Come Pantagruele incontrò Panurgo, che amò per tutta la vita
X | Come Pantagruele fu invitato a dirimere una controversia meravigliosamente oscura e difficile e come giudicò con tal senso di giustizia che la sua sentenza fu dichiarata altamente ammirevole
XI | Come il signor de' Baciaculi e il signor de' Fiutapeti si difesero senza avvocati davanti a Pantagruele
XII | Come il signor de' Fiutapeti perorò la sua causa davanti a Pantagruele
XIII | Come Pantagruele sentenziò nella lite fra i due signori
XIV | Nel quale Panurgo racconta come sfuggì alle mani dei Turchi
XV | Dove Panurgo illustra un modo nuovissimo di costruire le mura di Parigi
XVI | Sui costumi e le attitudini di Panurgo
XVII | In che modo Panurgo lucrava le indulgenze e maritava le vecchie, e come profondeva le sue sostanze nelle più strane liti
XVIII | Come fu che un sapientone d'Inghilterra, volendo cimentarsi con Pantagruele, fu sconfitto da Panurgo
XIX | Come Panurgo fece abbassar la cresta all'Inglese che argomentava per gesti
XX | Dove Thaumaste illustra la virtù e il sapere di Panurgo
XXI | Come Panurgo si innamorò di una gran dama di Parigi
XXII | Come Panurgo giocò alla dama parigina un tiro che non le recò vantaggio
XXIII | Come Pantagruele partì da Parigi, avendo udito che i Dipsodi avevano invaso il paese degli Amauroti; e la ragione per cui in Francia le leghe sono così corte
XXIV | Lettera che il messaggero di una dama di Parigi portò a Pantagruele e spiegazione di un motto inciso in un anello d'oro
XXV | Come Panurgo, Carpalim, Eustene ed Epistemone, compagni di Pantagruele, sconfissero molto abilmente i seicentosessanta cavalieri
XXVI | Come Pantagruele e i suoi compagni erano stanchi di mangiare carne salata e come Carpalim andò a caccia di selvaggina
XXVII | Come Pantagruele eresse un trofeo in memoria delle prodezze dei suoi e Panurgo un altro in memoria dei leprotti. Come dai peti di Pantagruele si generarono migliaia di piccoli uomini e dalle sue loffie altrettante piccolissime donne, e come Panurgo ruppe un grosso bastone su due bicchieri
XXVIII | Come Pantagruele sconfisse Dipsodi e giganti in maniera molto strana
XXIX | Come Pantagruele sbaragliò i trecento giganti corazzati di pietre da taglio e il loro capitano Lupomannaro
XXX | Come Epistemone, che aveva la taglia testata, fu guarito da Panurgo e come riportò notizie dei diavoli e dei dannati
XXXI | Come Pantagruele entrò nella città degli Amauroti e come Panurgo diede moglie al re Anarca e lo nominò rivenditore di salsa verde
XXXII | Come Pantagruele coprì tutta un'armata con la sua lingua e quello che vide l'autore dentro la sua bocca
XXXIII | Come Pantagruele si ammalò e per che modo guarì
XXXIV | Dove si conclude il presente libro e l'autore si scusa
Libro III
IL TERZO LIBRODEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI
DEL NOBILE PANTAGRUELE
Composto da Mastro Francesco Rabelais
dottore in medicina e Calogero delle isole Hyères
Francesco Rabelais allo spirito della Regina di Navarra
Prologo dell'autore
I | Come Pantagruele trasferì una colonia di Utopiensi in Dipsodia
---|---
II | Come Panurgo fu fatto castellano del Guazzetto in Dipsodia e come mangiò il suo grano in erba
III | Come Panurgo loda i debiti e chi li fa
IV | Continuazione del discorso di Panurgo in lode dei prestatori e dei debitori
V | Come Pantagruele detesta debitori e prestatori
VI | Perché gli sposi novelli erano esentati dall'andare in guerra
VII | Come Panurgo aveva la pulce nell'orecchia e perché rinunciò a portare la sua mirifica braghetta
VIII | Come e perché la braghetta è il pezzo più importante dell'armatura del guerriero
IX | Come Panurgo si consiglia con Pantagruele per saper se debba o no prender moglie
X | Come Pantagruele fa osservare a Panurgo quanto sia difficile dar consigli sul matrimonio, e come sia possibile trarre pronostici da Omero e da Virgilio
XI | Come Pantagruele dimostra essere cosa illecita trarre la sorte coi dadi
XII | Come Pantagruele esplora con le sorti virgiliane e decreti della Fortuna sul matrimonio di Panurgo
XIII | Come Pantagruele consiglia Panurgo di pre vedere la buona o la mala fortuna del suo matrimonio per via di sogni
XIV | Il sogno di Panurgo e la sua interpretazione
XV | Scusa di Panurgo e spiegazione di una cabala monastica in fatto di manzo salato
XVI | Come Pantagruele esorta Panurgo a consultarsi con una Sibilla di Panzoust
XVII | Come Panurgo parla alla Sibilla di Panzoust
XVIII | Come Pantagruele e Panurgo interpretano ciascuno a suo modo i versi della Sibilla
XIX | Come Pantagurele loda il consiglio dei muti
XX | Come Nasodicapra risponde a Panurgo per segni
XXI | Come Panurgo prende consiglio da un vecchio poeta francese chiamato Raminagrobis
XXII | Come Panurgo difende l'ordine dei frati mendicanti
XXIII | Come Panurgo considera se ritornare o no da Raminagrobis
XXIV | Come Panurgo prende consiglio da Epistemone
XXV | Come Panurgo prende consiglio da Her Trippa
XXVI | Come Panurgo prende consiglio da fra Giovanni de' Battitori
XXVII | Come fra Giovanni consiglia allegramente Panurgo
XXVIII | Come frate Giovanni riconforta Panurgo circa il timore d'ire a Corneto
XXIX | Come Pantagruele riunisce a consiglio un teologo, un medico, un legista e un filosofo per trovare un rimedio alle perplessità di Panurgo
XXX | Come Ippotaddeo, teologo, consiglia Panurgo sulla faccenda del matrimonio
XXXI | Come Panurgo chiede consiglio a Mastro Rotondetto, medico
XXXII | Come Rotondetto mette in chiaro che le corna sono un appannaggio naturale della condizione di marito
XXXIII | Come Rotondetto rivela il rimedio per le corna
XXXIV | Come ordinariamente le donne appetiscono cose proibite
XXXV | Come Mastro Intruglia tratta le difficoltà del matrimonio
XXXVI | Continuazione delle risposte di Mastro Intruglia, filosofo efettico e pirronista
XXXVII | Come Pantagruele esorta Panurgo a consultarsi con un pazzo
XXXVIII | Come Triboletto vien qualificato da Pantagruele e da Panurgo
XXXIX | Come Pantagruele assiste alla causa di Brigliadoca, il quale decideva le liti col sortilegio dei dadi
XL | Come Brigliadoca espone le cause per le quali egli esaminava gli atti dei processi che poi decideva con le tratte dei dadi
XLI | Come Brigliadoca narra la storia del conciliatore di liti
XLII | Come nascono i processi e come vengono a maturazione
XLIII | Come Pantagruele giustifica Brigliadoca a proposito delle sentenze pronunciate mediante il responso dei dadi
XLIV | Come Pantagruele racconta una strana storia sulle incertezze del giudizio umano
XLV | Come Panurgo si consulta con Triboletto
XLVI | Come Pantagruele e Panurgo interpretano diversamente le parole di Triboletto
XLVII | Come Pantagruele e Panurgo decidono di visitare l'oracolo della Diva Bottiglia
XLVIII | Come Gargantua ammonisce non esser lecito ai figli di maritarsi all'insaputa e senza il consenso dei loro padri e delle loro madri
XLIX | Come Pantagruele fece i preparativi per prendere il mare e dell'erba chiamata Pantagruelione
L | Come si prepara e si adopera il famoso Pantagruelione
LI | Perché il Pantagruelione si chiama così e delle sue mirabili virtù
LII | Come una certa specie di Pantagruelione non può essere consumata dal fuoco
Libro IV
IL QUARTO LIBRO DEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI
DEL BUON PANTAGRUELE
Composto da mastro Francesco Rabelais
dottore in medicina
Antico prologo
All'Illustrissimo Principe e reverendissimo Monsignor Odet, Cardinale di Chastillon
Prologo dell'autore
I | Come Pantagruele prese il mare per andare a visitare l'oracolo della divina Bacbuc
---|---
II | Come Pantagruele acquistò molte cose belle nell'isola Medamothi
III | Come giunse a Pantagruele una lettera da suo padre Gargantua e della strana maniera di ricevere notizie fresche da paesi stranieri e lontani
IV | La lettera che Pantagruele scrisse a suo padre Gargantua e le molte, belle e rare cose che gli mandò
V | Come Pantagruele incontrò una nave di viaggiatori che tornavano dal paese delle Lanterne
VI | Come, composta la disputa, Panurgo contratta con Bindolone una delle sue pecore
VII | Continuazione della trattativa fra Panurgo e Bindolone
VIII | Come Panurgo fece affogare in mare il mercante e i suoi montoni
IX | Come Pantagruele arrivò all'isola degli Snasati e delle strane parentele di quel paese
X | Come Pantagruele discese nell'isola di Cheli, dove regnava san Panigone
XI | Perché i monaci stanno volentieri in cucina
XII | Come Pantagruele fece rotta per Procura e della strana maniera di vivere dei Cagarogne di quel paese
XIII | [Come il signore di Basché loda i suoi domestici sull'esempio di Mastro Francesco
Villon](_0070_libro4.xhtml#capXIII)
XIV | Altri ricordi di nozze ai Cagarogne nella casa di Basché
XV | Come il Cagarogne rinnova le antiche usanze nuziali
XVI | Come frate Giovanni mette alla prova i Cagarogne del paese di Procura
XVII | Come Pantagruele approdò alle isole Tohu e Bohu e della strana morte del gigante Manda-giù, gran mangiatore di mulini a vento
XVIII | Come Pantagruele scampò a una forte tempesta di mare
XIX | Come si comportarono Panurgo e fra Giovanni durante la tempesta
XX | Come i nocchieri abbandonano le navi nel pieno della tempesta
XXI | Continuazione della tempesta e breve discorso sui testamenti fatti in mare
XXII | Fine della tempesta
XXIII | Come, finita la tempesta, Panurgo fa il giovialone
XXIV | Come fra Giovanni dimostra che Panurgo ha avuto paura senza ragione durante la tempesta
XXV | Come Pantagruele, dopo la tempesta, sbarcò nell'isola dei Macreoni
XXVI | Come il buon Macrobio illustra a Pantagruele la dimora e il trapasso degli eroi
XXVII | Come Pantagruele ragiona sulla dipartita delle anime eroiche e dei prodigi orrifici che precedettero il trapasso del fu signore di Langey
XXVIII | Come Pantagruele racconta una pietosa storia sul trapasso degli eroi
XXIX | Come Pantagruele passò in vista dell'isola di Sottobanco dove regnava Quaresimarca
XXX | Come Xenomane notomizza e descrive Quaresimarca
XXXI | Anatomia di Quaresimarca quanto alle parti esterne
XXXII | Ancora su Quaresimarca e le sue attitudini
XXXIII | Come Pantagruele avvistò un mostruoso fisitere nei pressi dell'isola Feroce
XXXIV | Come il mostruoso fisitere fu sconfitto da Pantagruele
XXXV | Come Pantagruele approda all'isola Feroce, antica dimora delle Anduglie
XXXVI | Come le Anduglie tesero un'imboscata al nobile Pantagruele
XXXVII | Come Pantagruele mandò a chiamare i comandanti Sbafanduglie e Tagliabiroldi e come tenne ai suoi un notevole ragionamento sui nomi propri di luogo e di persona
XXXVIII | Perché le Anduglie non sono poi tanto da meno degli uomini
XXXIX | Come fra Giovanni si accorda coi cuochi per combattere le Anduglie
XL | Come fra Giovanni mette in campo la Troia e i valorosi cuochi che vi chiude dentro
XLI | Come Pantagruele ruppe le Anduglie alle ginocchia
XLII | Come Pantagruele parlamenta con Nifleseth, regina delle Anduglie
XLIII | Come Pantagruele sbarcò nell'isola di Ruach
XLIV | Come piccole piogge abbattono grandi venti
XLV | Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dei Papafiche
XLVI | Come il piccolo diavolo fu ingannato dal contadino papafichese
XLVII | Come il diavolo fu ingannato da una vecchia papafichese
XLVIII | Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dei Papimani
XLIX | Come Homenaz ci mostrò le Decretali Uranopetiche
L | Come ci fu mostrato da Homenaz l'archetipo di una Papa
LI | Quattro chiacchiere durante il desinare in lode delle Decretali
LII | Seguito sulle virtù miracolose delle Decretali
LIII | Come, per virtù delle Decretali, l'oro di Francia vien tirato a Roma
LIV | Come Homenaz diede a Pantagruele delle pere da buon cristiano
LV | Come, in alto mare, Pantagruele udì parole disgelate
LVI | Come Pantagruele trovò, tra le parole gelate, parole di gola
LVII | Come Pantagruele approdò all'isola dove regnava Monsignor Gaster, protomaestro d'arti del mondo
LVIII | Come alla corte di Mastro Gaster Pantagruele detestò Engastrimiti e Gastrolatri
LIX | Della ridicola statua chiamata Manduco e come e quali cose i Gastrolatri sacrificano al loro dio Ventripotente
LX | Come i Gastrolatri sacrificavano al loro dio nei giorni di magro, per distinguerli dai giorni di grasso
LXI | Come Gaster inventò i mezzi per raccogliere e conservare il grano
LXII | Come Gaster inventò l'arte ed il modo per non essere ferito né raggiunto dai colpi di cannone
LXIII | Come nei pressi dell'isola di Chaneph Pantagruele sonnecchiava e dei problemi posti al suo risveglio
LXIV | Come da Pantagruele non fu data soluzione ai problemi proposti
LXV | Come Pantagruele fa alzare il vento con i suoi familiari
LXVI | Come, presso l'isola dei Ganabini, al comando di Pantagruele, furono salutate le Muse
LXVII | Come Panurgo se la fece addosso dalla gran paura e come pensava che il grande gatto Rodilardo fosse un piccolo diavolo
Libro V
IL QUINTO ED ULTIMO LIBRO DEI FATTI E DETTI EROICI
DEL BUON PANTAGRUELE
Composto da mastro Francesco Rabelais
dottore in medicina
Prologo dell'autore (frammento)
I | Come Pantagruele arrivò nell'isola Sonante e del rumore che vi sentimmo
---|---
II | Come l'isola Sonante era stata abitata dai Siticini, i quali erano diventati uccelli
III | Perché nell'isola Sonante non c'è che un solo Papagallo
IV | Come gli uccelli dell'isola Sonante erano tutti di passaggio
V | Come gli uccelli Commedatori sono muti nel- l'isola Sonante
VI | Come sono alimentati gli uccelli dell'isola Sonante
VII | Come Panurgo racconta a Mastro Edito l'apologo del ronzino e dell'asino
VIII | Come, con gran difficoltà, ci fu mostrato il Papagallo
IX | Come scendemmo all'isola delle Ferrarecce
X | Come Pantagruele arrivò all'isola di Malatasca
XI | Come giungemmo allo Sportello abitato da Mordigraffio, arciduca dei Gatti felpati
XII | Come da Mordigraffio ci fu proposto un enigma
XIII | Come Panurgo sciolse l'enigma di Mordigraffio
XIV | Come i Gatti felpati vivono di corruzione
XV | Come fra Giovanni delibera di mettere a sacco i Gatti felpati
XVI | Come passammo per Esagerazione e come Panurgo rischiò di lasciarci la pelle
XVII | Come la nostra nave si arenò e come fummo aiutati da alcuni viaggiatori amici della Quinta
XVIII | Come arrivammo al regno della Quinta Essenza chiamata Entelechia
XIX | Come la Quinta essenza guariva i malati con canzoni
XX | Come la Regina passava il tempo dopo desinare
XXI | Come gli uffiziali della Quinta diversamente s'industriavano e come la Regina ci trattenne presso di sé in qualità di Astrattori
XXII | Come la Regina fu servita a cena e in qual modo essa mangiava
XXIII | Come, in presenza della Quinta, fu eseguito un festoso ballo a guisa di torneo
XXIV | Come combattono i trentadue personaggi del ballo
XXV | Come scendemmo nell'isola di Odòs dove i cammini camminano
XXVI | Come arrivammo all'isola degli Zoccoli e dell'ordine dei frati al Canticchio
XXVII | Come Panurgo, interrogando un frate al Canticchio, non ebbe da lui risposte che di una sola parola
XXVIII | Perché l'istituto della quaresima non piace a Epistemone
XXIX | Come visitammo il paese di Raso
XXX | Come nel paese di Raso vedemmo Sentito-dire che teneva scuola di testimonianza
XXXI | Come apparve ai nostri occhi il paese delle Lanterne
XXXII | Come discendemmo al porto dei Licnobiti ed entrammo nel Lanternese
XXXII bis | Come furono servite a cena le signore Lanterne
XXXIII | Come arrivammo all'oracolo della Bottiglia
XXXIV | Come scendemmo sotto terra per entrare nel tempio della Bottiglia e perché Chinon è la prima città del mondo
XXXV | Come discendemmo i gradini tetradici e la paura che n'ebbe Panurgo
XXXVI | Come le porte del tempio si aprirono mirabilmente da se medesime
XXXVII | Com'era fatto il pavimento del tempio in mirabile mosaico
XXXVIII | Come nel mosaico del tempio era raffigurata la battaglia vittoriosa di Bacco contro gli Indiani
XXXIX | Come nel mosaico era rappresentato il combattimento di Bacco contro gli Indiani
XL | Come il tempio era rischiarato da una lampada meravigliosa
XLI | Come dalla pontefice Bacbuc ci fu mostrata nel tempio una fontana fantastica
XLII | Come l'acqua della fontana rendeva gusto di vino secondo l'immaginazione dei bevitori
XLIII | Come Bacbuc acconciò Panurgo perché potesse ricevere il responso della Bottiglia
XLIV | Come la sacerdotessa Bacbuc presentò Panurgo al cospetto della divina Bottiglia
XLV | Come Bacbuc interpreta la parola della Bottiglia
XLVI | Come Panurgo rimeggia in poetico furore e gli altri del pari
XLVII | Come, avendo preso congedo da Bacbuc, lasciammo l'oracolo della Bottiglia
Appendice
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaBook"
}
| 4,633
|
import core.GameInfo;
import core.GameState;
import core.Move;
import players.Player;
import java.util.List;
/**
* For mocking a game, creates a player which takes in a list of moves that
* it will make (in order). Moves must not clash with the other test player
* that you're using in the game (or things will break!)
*/
public class TestPlayer extends Player {
private final List<Move> movesToMake;
private int moveCount = 0;
public TestPlayer(GameInfo info, List<Move> movesToMake) {
super(info);
this.movesToMake = movesToMake;
}
@Override
public Move getMove(GameState state) {
Move move = movesToMake.get(moveCount);
moveCount++;
return move;
}
}
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaGithub"
}
| 330
|
This girl. She is my biggest teacher. Last night after dinner she asked if she could finish the movie she started at Grandma and Grandpa's the day before. She knows the rule. No T.V. on school nights. She also knows I have been known to break that rule when provided with the right amounts of crying baby, messy house, and late dinner. Daddy and Gloria were visiting the grandparents, I had spent the day cleaning a house that had been turned upside down and given a vigorous shake, and we had already eaten. She didn't have a chance. She tried begging and pleading for a minute, realized she was losing the battle, and launched into a full-fledged tantrum. She's a professional: slamming of doors, flinging of body on bed, colorful language of the 'I hate you, I hate my life' variety spoken...rather loudly.
But thanks to Janet Lansbury and the rabbit and Positive Parenting, I felt a level of clarity and calm I rarely feel in moments like this. I went to her on the bed and stroked her hair. I spent the time waiting for her to calm down actively thinking about how she must be feeling--denied the thing that gives her more satisfaction than almost anything else. For a minute she screamed louder, but when she realized I wasn't going to lecture her or convince her out of her feelings or show any sort of disappointment at all, a switch was flipped. She climbed into my lap and let me hold her for a while. I said maybe one sentence. Something about understanding how disappointed she was feeling. And in return I got a happy, calm, grounded child who proceeded to get ready for bed without further ado.
Five minutes later, Isaiah lost every single one of his marbles when it was time to brush his teeth because he wanted to continue playing a game he had started with his sister. I stayed with him in the bathroom while he got out all of his big, overtired feelings (he did not want to be touched.) I reminded him that it was time to get ready for bed every time he tried to open the door. I spoke his feelings back to him so he would know just how heard he was.
He giggled while we brushed his teeth.
I can tell you that I have never felt more seen.
I'm not sharing this story to brag about my mothering skills. This moment sticks out--and sticks out to her--because it is not my default way of parenting. Quite the opposite, unfortunately. But children are infinitely forgiving and always perfectly present. At THAT moment, I was the compassionate mother I should always be.
Life is not perfect, but it is full of perfect moments. I am not perfect, but I am evolving perfection.
Laurel, I admire your calm strength.
I am mama to Samaya (5 1/2), Violet (4), and Isaiah (1). I am other things too. Laurel, for instance. But mostly Mama. I love words. If I want to know what I'm thinking, I write them down. I especially love words in other languages. I have been known to eavesdrop on Hebrew and Amharic and Russian and Farsi...it doesn't seem to bother me that I don't speak a word of any of them. Ok, maybe three words in Hebrew, four in Farsi, one in Russian, and twenty in Amharic. Thanks for stopping by. I promise to write only in English. Mostly about wiping bottoms. and God.
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaC4"
}
| 8,664
|
\section{Introduction}
We use Trinajsti\'c \cite{Tri20} for terminology and notation.
Let $G=(V(G),E(G))$ be a connected graph.
The {\it distance} between two vertices $u$ and $v$ in $G$, denoted by $d_{G}(u,v)$, is the length of a shortest path between $u$ and $v$ in $G$.
The {\it Wiener polarity} index of a graph $G=(V,E)$, denoted by $W_{p}(G)$, is defined by $$ W_{p}(G):= \# \{\{u,v\}|d_{G}(u,v)=3,u,v\in V\}, \eqno(1)$$
which is the number of unordered pairs of vertices $\{u,v\}$ of $G$ such that $d_{G}(u,v)=3$.
In organic compounds, say paraffin, this number is the number of pairs of carbon atoms which are separated by three carbon-carbon bonds.
The name ``Wiener polarity index'' for the quantity defined in (1) is introduced by Harold Wiener \cite{Wie13} in 1947.
Wiener himself conceived the index only for acyclic molecules and defined it in a slightly different-yet equivalent-manner.
In the same paper, Wiener also introduced another index for acyclic molecules, called {\it Wiener index} or {\it Wiener distance index} and defined by
$$ W(G):=\sum_{\{u,v\} \subseteq V}d_{G}(u,v).$$
Wiener \cite{Wie13} used a linear formula of $W$ and $W_{p}$ to calculate the boiling points $t_{B}$ of the paraffins, i.e., $$t_{B}=aW+bW_{p}+c,$$
where $a,b$ and $c$ are constants for a given isomeric group.
The Wiener index $W$ is popular in chemical literatures.
In the mathematical literature, it seems to be studied firstly by Entringer et al. \cite{Ent8} in 1976. From then on, many researchers studied the Wiener index in different ways. For instance, one can see \cite{Bar1}, \cite{Bon2}, \cite{Bon3}, \cite{Dan5}, \cite{Ent7}, \cite{Ent8}, \cite{Gut10}, \cite{Moh11} and \cite{Wie13} for the theoretical aspects, and \cite{Can4}, \cite{Gut9} and \cite{Moh12} for algorithmic and computational aspects.
Recently, Dobrynin et al. gave a comprehensive survey \cite{Dob6} for the Wiener index. The reader is referred to the paper for further details.
In the best of our knowledge, Wiener had some information about the applicability of this topological index.
Using the Wiener polarity index, Lukovits and Linert \cite{Luk14} demonstrated quantitative structure property relationships in a series of acyclic and cycle-containing hydrocarbons. Hosoya \cite{Hos15} found a physico-chemical interpretation of $W_{p}(G)$.
Recently, Du et al. \cite{Du16} described a linear time algorithm for computing the Wiener polarity index of trees and characterized the trees maximizing the index among all the trees of the given order.
Deng et al. \cite{Den17} characterized the extremal trees with respect to this index among all trees of order $n$ and diameter $d$. Deng \cite{Den18} also gave the extremal Wiener polarity index of all chemical trees with order $n$. Deng and Xiao \cite{Den19} found the maximum Wiener polarity index of chemical trees with $n$ vertices and $k$ pendants.
However, it seems that less attention has paid for Wiener polarity index of cycle-containing graph up to now.
While we are preparing this paper, we find that Behmaram et al. \cite{beh} discuss Wiener polarity index of fullerenes and hexagonal systems which contain no triangles or quadrangles,
and Hou et al. \cite{hou} discuss the maximum Wiener polarity index of unicyclic graphs.
In the paper we consider the Wiener polarity index of cactus graphs which are allowed to have triangles or quadrangles or many cycles.
\section{Main result}
In this section, we introduce some graphs used in this paper.
Firstly, we introduce two graphs $G_{1}$ and $G_{2}$ as follows; see Fig. 2.1.
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[scale=.6]{fig21.eps}
\vspace{2mm}
{\small Fig. 2.1 The graphs $G_1$ and $G_2$ }
\end{center}
\noindent
Let $G$ be a graph. Denote by $c_{i}(G)$ the number of cycles of $G$ with length $i$.
The numbers of the induced subgraph of $G_{1}$ and $G_{2}$ in $G$ are denoted by $b_{1}(G)$ and $b_{2}(G)$, respectively.
A {\it cactus graph} $G$ is a connected graph in which no edge lies in more than one cycle.
A {\it $k$-gon cactus graph} $G$ is a cactus graph in which every block is a $k$-gon or $C_k$, where $C_k$ denotes a cycle of length $k$.
If each $k$-gon of a $k$-gon cactus $G$ has at most two cut-vertices, and each cut-vertex is shared by exactly two hexagons,
then $G$ is called a {\it chain $k$-gon cactus}.
If, in addition, any two cut-vertices on a $k$-gon has distance $1$ (respectively, at least $2$),
then this chain $k$-gon cactus is said {\it of type 1 } (respectively, {\it type 2}); see Fig. 2.2.
For a $k$-gon cactus of type 1 (respectively, type 2), expanding each of the cut-vertices to an edge, we will get
a graph called {\it ortho-chain $k$-gon cactus} (respectively, {\it meta-chain $k$-gon cactus}); see Fig. 2.3.
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[scale=.6]{fig22.eps}
\vspace{2mm}
{\small Fig. 2.2 Chain hexagonal cactuses of type 1 (left side) and type 2 (right side)}
\end{center}
\begin{center}
\includegraphics[scale=.6]{fig23.eps}
\vspace{2mm}
{\small Fig. 2.3 Ortho-chain hexagonal cactus (left side) and meta-chain hexagonal cactus(right side)}
\end{center}
\begin{theorem} Let $G$ be a connected cactus graph. Then
$$W_{p}(G)=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-3c_{6}(G)-5c_{5}(G)-4c_{4}(G)-3c_{3}(G)-2b_{1}(G)-b_{2}(G).$$
\end{theorem}
{\bf Proof.}
We consider the edge $uv$ of the graph $G$ and choose a vertex $u'$ adjacent to $u$ and another vertex $v'$ adjacent to $v$.
Then we introduce a three-edge set in $G$, denoted by $Q$, defined by
$$Q:=\{(u',u,v,v')|u'u,uv,vv' \in E,u'\neq v,v' \neq u\}.$$
One can easily get $\#Q=\sum_{uv \in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)$.
If $d_{G}(u',v')=0$, namely $u',v'$ coincide and $u,u'=v',v$ in a common $C_{3}$, then $\#\{(u',u,v,v')\in Q| d_{G}(u',v')=0\}=3c_{3}(G)$.
If $d_{G}({u',v')}=1$, namely $u,u',v,v'$ lie in a common $C_{4}$, then $\#\{(u',u,v,v')\in Q|d_{G}(u',v')=1\}=4c_{4}(G)$.
If $d_{G}({u',v')}=2$, namely $u,u',v,v'$ lie in a common $C_{5}$, or $u,u',v $ lie in a common $C_{3}$ while $v'$ does not,
or $v,v',u$ lie in a common $C_{3}$ while $u'$ does not,
then $\#\{(u',u,v,v')\in Q|d_{G}(u',v')=2\}=5c_{5}(G)+2b_{1}(G)$.
If $d_{G}({u',v')}=3$, then $u,u',v,v' $ may lie in a common $C_{6}$, or $u,u',v $ may lie in a common $C_{4}$ while $v'$ does not,
or $v,v',u $ may lie in a common $C_{4}$ while $u'$ does not,
then $$\# \{\{u',v'\}|d_{G}(u',v')=3,u,v \in V\}=\#\{(u',u,v,v')\in Q_{uv}|d_{G}(u',v')=3\}-3c_{6}(G)-b_{2}(G).$$
Combining the above discussion, we have
\begin{align*}
W_{p}(G)&=\#Q- \sum_{i=0}^2 \#\{(u',u,v,v')\in Q_{uv}| d_{G}(u',v')=i\}-3c_{6}(G)-b_{2}(G)\\
&=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-3c_{6}(G)-5c_{5}(G)-4c_{4}(G)-3c_{3}(G)-2b_{1}(G)-b_{2}(G).
\end{align*}
\hfill$\blacksquare$
\begin{coro} Let $G$ be a connected cactus graph such that every triangle or quadrangle has exactly one neighbor. Then
$$W_{p}(G)=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-3c_{6}(G)-5\sum_{i=3}^{5}c_{i}(G).$$
\end{coro}
{\bf Proof.}
Put $c_{3}(G)=b_{1}(G)$ and $c_{4}(G)=b_{2}(G)$ in Theorem 2.1.\hfill$\blacksquare$
\begin{coro}Let $G=(V,E)$ be a chain $k$-gon cactus of type 1 with $h \;(h \geq 2)$ $k$-gons. Then
$$
W_{p}(G) = \begin{cases}
4h-8, &\hbox{if~~} k=3,\\
8h-12, &\text{if~~} k=4,\\
12h-16, &\text{if~~} k=5,\\
15h-16, &\text{if~~} k=6,\\
(k+12)h-16, &\text{if~~} k \geq 7.
\end{cases}
$$
\end{coro}
{\bf Proof.}
It is easy to get $$\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)=(k+12)h-16.$$
So, by Theorem 2.1,
if $k=3$, then
$$W_{p}(G)=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-3c_{3}(G)-2b_{1}(G)=(15h-16)-3h-2(4h-4)=4h-8;$$
and if $k=4$, then
$$W_{p}(G)=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-4c_{4}(G)-b_{2}(G)=(16h-16)-4h-(4h-4)=8h-12.$$
Similarly, we get the remaining result and omit the details.\hfill$\blacksquare$
\begin{coro}Let $G=(V,E)$ be a chain $k$-gon cactus of type 2 with $h\;(h \geq 2)$ $k$-gons ($k \ge 4$). Then
$$
W_{p}(G) = \begin{cases}
4h-4, &\text{if~~} k=4,\\
8h-8, &\text{if~~} k=5,\\
11h-8, &\text{if~~} k=6,\\
(k+8)h-8, &\text{if~~} k \geq 7.
\end{cases}
$$
\end{coro}
{\bf Proof.}
One can get $$\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)=(k+8)h-8.$$
So,
if $k=4$, $W_{p}(G)=\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)-4c_{4}(G)-b_{2}(G)=(12h-8)-4h-(4h-4)=4h-4$.
The remaining proof is omitted.\hfill$\blacksquare$
\begin{coro}Let $G=(V,E)$ be an ortho-chain $k$-gon cactus with $h\;(h \geq 2)$ $k$-gons. Then
$$
W_{p}(G) = \begin{cases}
5h-6, &\text{if~~} k=3,\\
7h-8, &\text{if~~} k=4,\\
9h-10, &\text{if~~} k=5,\\
12h-10, &\text{if~~} k=6,\\
(k+9)h-10, &\text{if~~} k \geq 7.
\end{cases}
$$
\end{coro}
{\bf Proof.}
One can get $$\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)=(k+9)h-10.$$
So, if $k=3$, $W_{p}(G)=(12h-10)-3h-2(4h-4)=5h-6$; and
if $k=4$, $W_{p}(G)=(13h-10)-4h-(4h-4)=7h-8$.
The remaining proof is omitted.\hfill$\blacksquare$
\begin{coro}Let $G=(V,E)$ be a meta-chain $k$-gon cactus with $h\;(h \geq 2)$ $k$-gons. Then
$$
W_{p}(G) = \begin{cases}
6h-6, &\text{if~~} k=4,\\
8h-8, &\text{if~~} k=5,\\
11h-8, &\text{if~~} k=6,\\
(k+8)h-8, &\text{if~~} k \geq 7.
\end{cases}
$$
\end{coro}
{\bf Proof.}
One can get $$\sum_{uv\in E}(d_{G}(u)-1)(d_{G}(v)-1)=(k+8)h-8.$$
So, if $k=4$, $W_{p}(G)=(12h-8)-4h-(4h-4)=6h-6$.
The remaining proof is omitted.\hfill$\blacksquare$
{\small
|
{
"redpajama_set_name": "RedPajamaArXiv"
}
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