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train · 52.7k rows

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"Heading to class I was thirsty, so I stopped at a water fountain. I was completely shocked when I felt someone slap my ass. I turn around and there's a guy standing there with a horrified look. He thought I was his girlfriend and then realized I wasn't. She was standing behind him and watched him do it."
This afternoon my brother sat the family down for a conversation. He came out as gay and immediately my mom started crying. She said she wanted grand-children. I told her that I plan on having kids. She gave me one look and started crying harder.
I went to get my birth control prescription today. The woman at the counter asked me why I was taking the pills. She told me I was too young to be having sex and to reconsider. I'm 16 and I don't take the pills to have sex. I take them to help control my outrageous acne.
"Today I was on a conference call with three other people. I was alone in my office, so I let some farts rip. I forgot to press the mute button, so everyone on the call heard me. They started asking what that noise was. I lied and said someone's car had backfired in the parking lot."
"Today while in the cafeteria my stomach growled loudly. My co-worker heard it and thought it was a cat. Not wanting to own up to it, I said I heard it too. We spent the next 20 minutes looking for the cat. Now she's telling everyone about a cat in the break room."
"Today, I overheard two classmates arguing about Joan of Arc. I figured they were arguing about divine influence, so I listened. One said she must have been the wife of Noah. The other classmate agreed with him. We're in college and this is what people truly believe."
"My girlfriend is always complaining about me not being romantic. I decided to fix that by fixing a romantic bath for us to share. When she got home, she was excited to see it. When she stuck her hand in the water, she said it feels slimy. She refused to get in and I enjoyed the romantic bath alone."
"My boyfriend got a new job that's a lot closer to my house. Before he got this job, he never wanted to spend the night. Now that he has it, he spends almost every night. I asked him why one morning and he said it's because I'm closer. Staying with me saves him money on gas."
A kid threw a water balloon at me as I was leaving my apartment. It burst and immediately a foul smell went all over me. Turns out the kid had filled the balloons with Liquid Ass. I couldn't get the smell out and I had no time to change. People on the bus wouldn't sit near me because I smelled so bad.
"My husband has gross, long toenails that he refuses to cut. Last night he stabbed me in the leg while we were both asleep. The cut wouldn't stop bleeding, so we went to the hospital. I ended up needing three stitches to keep the gash closed. Meanwhile, my husband and doctor were both laughing the whole time."
"When I was younger my mom used to punish me by grounding. She'd take my things away and send me to my room. Yesterday, she admitted she'd ground me for no reason sometimes. She told me this when she was drunk out of her mind. Now this morning she doesn't remember saying it."
"Today is my last day at my current job. My co-workers threw a little mini good luck party for me. Then, my manager stood up like she was going to give a small speech. She said lots of glowing things, except she got my name wrong. I've been working at that place for two years now."
"Me and my wife went out to dinner with a new couple we met. Afterwards, we went back to their house. They pulled out a photo album to show us some of their family. I stupidly commented on the weight of one of the women. It was the woman who was showing us the picture before her surgery."
"This morning I woke up to my husband chuckling. I asked him what he was laughing about. He said during the night, I tried to put a pacifier in his mouth. I don't remember that at all. He thinks it's absolutely hysterical."
"I've been married to my husband for fifteen years. We have three kids together. Today, I found a note where he usually sleeps. He said thanks for all the fun, it's been real. I guess I'm single now."
"My boss hosted a catered lunch yesterday at work. It was an extravagant meal with plenty of different dishes. Today, he came into my office and told me he's letting me go. He says he can't help it, the company can't afford to pay me. I bet that catered lunch cost more than a week of my salary."
"I was on an elevator at work when a cute girl walked on. She was on the phone talking with her friend. She said she has to go, there's a cute guy on the elevator. Then she turns to me and smiles and says sorry for lying. Thanks for the confident boost lady."
"I was picking up my crush from a mutual friend's house with my mom. When he got in, she said I could do much better in French. Of all the things we've talked about, she forgets he speaks French. The ride home was the most awkward thing I've ever done. I'm pretty sure the guy hates me now, too."
"I decided to flirt with a cute waiter by leaving a note with the bill. A few moments later he comes back to the table and calls my name. When I raise my hand, he smiles and steps closer to me. He whispers in my ear a thank you for the note. Then he tells me that my card is declined."
"My mom's boyfriend got me a present for Christmas. Usually he doesn't, so I was excited to open it. It's a bottle of Proactiv solution. He smiles really big and asks me if I like it. He says he wants to start including me in family pictures."
I was in a hurry to get to work today. I pulled behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 15 minutes not moving. Turns out I wasn't in the lane to make a right turn. I had been waiting in a line of parked cars.
"My friend caught his son jerking off and decided to have the talk. He's mildly religious, so his talk was not to do it God hates it. His son said God made his hand too perfect for his knob not to do it. My religious friend was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. Everybody at the office is talking about it and lau...
"I started college this year and met a new friend at orientation. I accepted his friend request on Facebook, thinking nothing of it. He went through my timeline liking photos from years ago. Then he sent me a message asking to be my dirty little secret. He knows I have a boyfriend and that's why he started doing this."
"Today my family is moving out of our apartment we've had for 3 years. As we're leaving, my brother leans close to me and whispers in my ear. He tells me he's masturbated in every room in the house. Then he winks at me and tells me but my room was the best. Now I've got to find some type of lock for my new room."
"I've wanted a tattoo all my life, but I could never decide of what. I got drunk one evening with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. We started talking about tattoos and I admitted this to him. He asked to give me a tattoo and drunkenly, I agreed. I woke up to a tattoo of a marijuana leaf smoking a cigarette."
My boyfriend called me today to ask me why I love him. I told him it's because he's always there for me. I have bipolar disorder and I know I can be difficult sometimes. He sighed into the phone and said not anymore and hung up. So I guess I'm single again.
"I helped a customer today for nearly four hours. He was looking for the perfect engagement ring. I helped him pick a nice box and listened to what he was going to say. I rung him up and sent him on his way, happy to have helped. Only then did I realize I didn't put the ring in the box."
"This morning I woke up and remembered I went crazy at the bar. Not only did I lose my cell phone and my ID, but I spent $100. I called my friend to ask her what else she remembered. She casually tells me about how I flashed the whole bar. Looks like I won't be going out for a while."
"I've enjoyed writing ever since I was a little girl. I just recently submitted one of my short stories to a competition. I excitedly told my brother about it, expecting him to be happy. He grinned really big and said the first rejection letter is special. Thanks a lot for the confidence boost, bro."
"I was eating a Subway sandwich today while watching a comedian. When he said something particularly funny, I laughed hard. I accidentally snorted a jalapeno piece into my nose. I spent the next 10 minutes trying to flush out the heat. Now my face is all red from having the pepper in my nose."
"I decided to try waxing the hair on my upper lip. I bought a kit and read the instructions to apply it. The wax hurt a ton removing it, so I decided to take a nap. When I woke up, I went to inspect my face in the mirror. I have an acne mustache where all the hair I removed used to be."
"This summer I got a job as a student teacher. I'm helping summer school students this year. Not even 10 minutes into the job, I've had boogers wiped on me. Someone else decided to pee their pants, which I had to clean up. Now I feel like the kid who won't stop crying for his mother."
A man I work with got suspicious that his wife is cheating on him. He decided to hire a private investigator to find out. The PI followed her around for three weeks and then reported. All the pictures he took of the guy's wife were of her playing tennis. That's what she told her husband she was doing every afternoon.
"As a reward for starting to eat healthy, I got a bad case of diarrhea. I ran to the stall at work, but there was no toilet paper. Neither of the stalls next to me had toilet paper either. I decided I had to take drastic measures to clean up. That's when my boss walked in one me with my pants down."
"Today I was talking to my friend Jayce about Facebook. He giggled and mentioned that he could see everything I liked. Curious, I asked why he was laughing. He clapped me on the shoulder and mentioned BDSM videos I had liked. My face grew white as I realized my family sees Facebook, too."
I got fed up of having too much work on my plate at my job. I gave my two week notice and three weeks ago was my last day. I ran into a former co-worker today who was excited to see me. She said my job had been split up among two people. Nevermind that I told my boss that's what needed to be done.
"I came home from school today with no internet or cable. My mother-in-law said because we're moving, it's easier to not pay. Only, we're not supposed to move for a month. So now I have to live in a house with no internet for a month. How will I get my homework assignments done?"
"I don't like going out on dates, but a good friend of mine insisted. She set me up on a blind date with this guy she knows from work. The entire date, all he did was talk about different voices he can do. He demonstrated every single character. I was so glad the date was over I gave the guy a fake number."
"I had to pee on the way home, so I decided to go in some high grass. When I got home, I felt something itching my backside. I went to the bathroom to check it out. A small, crushed spider fell into my underwear. I'm never walking in high grass again."
"On the way to work this morning, I stepped in a pile of dog poo. The pile was placed on my porch by my neighbor. There was a note with it that said to keep my dog out of her yard. I don't have a dog and I've never had a dog. Now I've got to figure out the best way to get back at her for this."
"My mom told me today she's lost over 100 pounds due to lap-band. I congratulated her, but she shared something else. She said everything hangs now, even her lady parts. Then she looked up at me and asked if they could fix that, too. I think my mom is going to become addicted to surgery."
"I've been trying to get pregnant for three years now. Today, the doctor finally called me with the good news. Ecstatic, I called my husband to let him know. As soon as I hung up, my doctor called me again. There was a clerical error and I'm not pregnant after all."
"On the way home with my son, we saw a car that looked like Jack's. When we pulled up, my son said daddy was being kidnapped. I looked over and there was Jack in the passenger seat. A woman with blonde hair was driving his car. Turns out it was his new girlfriend."
"Yesterday my truck was broken into while parked on the street. The thief ripped my dash almost completely out. They couldn't get the radio out of the car, though. So now I have a broken window and trashed car. And the thief didn't even take anything."
Herman had never left his hometown. He met a friend from New York City. The friend invited Herman to come to New York to visit. Herman drove there on a motorcycle. Herman was glad he went on such an exciting adventure.
Delilah was learning how to knit. She decided to knit a baby blanket. Delilah's stitches got messed up. The baby blanket was accidentally a long rectangle. Delilah turned her knitting project into a scarf instead.
Judy went to the grocery store. She purchased a large container of blueberries. Judy walked toward the exit doors. Judy dropped the blueberry container. Blueberries spilled all over the floor!
Hazel's family went to an amusement park. Hazel wanted to ride an upside-down roller coaster. She stood in line to wait for the ride. Hazel sat in the front seat. She screamed with delight as the roller coaster went upside down.
Michelle loved dressing up like a ballerina. But her dog loved playing with Michelle's tutus. So Michelle's mom bought a new tutu. Michelle gave her old tutu to the dog. And Michelle got to keep the new tutu.
Emma's air conditioner quit working on a hot June day. She called a repairman. The repairman came to Emma's house. The repairman fixed the air conditioner. Emma was able to cool the house back to a comfortable temperature.
Tasha invited her two best friends over for a slumber party. Her friends arrived at 6:00 pm. At 7:15 pm they ordered a pepperoni pizza. After dinner they watched funny cat videos. They stayed up until after midnight laughing at funny videos online.
Charlie let his dog outside in the backyard. Charlie whistled to call the dog back inside. The dog was nowhere to be found. Charlie noticed the gate was open. He found the dog on the sidewalk across the street.
Simon and his mom went to a farm out in the countryside. They heard a beeping noise inside the barn. Simon and his mom walked into the barn. They saw an enclosure on the ground with a heating lamp on top. Simon and his mom saw lots of baby chicks in there!
Thomas woke up to his alarm clock on the first day of school. He got out of bed. Thomas ate breakfast. He brushed his teeth. Thomas went outside to wait for the school bus to pick him up.
Shelly decided to clean the dust off of the ceiling fan. She got out her vacuum cleaner. Shelly started vacuuming the blades of the fan. When the vacuum touched a lightbulb the vacuum sucked it out! The light bulb had ripped from its socket and was in the vacuum.
Roxanne sat in her living room watching television. She saw a small black spider crawling across the floor. Roxanne called her dog into the room. Roxanne pointed to the spider to show her dog. The dog jumped on the spider and ate it!
Claire lived on a farm in Iowa. Her dad said a newborn pig was abandoned by its mother. Claire's dad let her keep the piglet in their house. She fed the milk from a tiny bottle. The piglet grew until it was able to go back outside to the pen.
Jessica received a paycheck from her job. She drove to the bank. Jessica went inside the bank. She handed the check to the bank teller. The bank teller cashed the check for Jessica.
Otis went to the swimming pool with his sister. He climbed the ladder of the tall diving board. Otis did a flip into the water. He landed on his back with a smacking noise. Otis swam to the edge of the pool to get out of the water.
Josh told his grandma that he got a new pet. She said she was excited to meet the new pet. Josh informed her that it was a super tough creature named Rambo. When his grandma got there she didn't see any animals. Josh came out holding a painted rock with googly eyes.
"Nora decided to make homemade noodles for dinner. She mixed up flour, salt, and eggs in a large bowl. Nora rolled out the dough. Using a knife, Nora cut the dough into long noodle shapes. Nora cooked the noodles in a big pot of boiling water."
Kate came home at night after a long day at work. The house was dark and quiet. Kate turned on a light. Her friends jumped out from behind a couch and yelled Surprise! They had planned a surprise party for Kate's birthday.
Ryder and Sadie went to a winery on a hot July day. They bought a case of wine bottles. Ryder and Sadie put the wine in their trunk. While they were driving they heard something hitting the trunk. The wine was exploding in the trunk because it was so hot!
Allen went to the beach on a hot July day. He forgot to put sunscreen on his back. Allen's back turned red because of a bad sunburn. Allen rubbed aloe vera gel on the burn. Allen's skin peeled off where it had burnt!
Ryan took his fishing pole and a tackle box to a pond. He placed a lure with a hook on his pole. Ryan cast out the line. He felt a fish tugging on his fishing pole. He yanked the line and reeled in a large walleye.
Adelyn went to to visit her great aunt who lived on a farm. Adelyn's great aunt told her there were three orphaned baby goats. She asked Adelyn if she wanted to help feed the goats. Adelyn was so excited she couldn't wait to feed them. Adelyn and her aunt fed the babies with giant bottles of milk.
Paul finished his dinner. He decided to make an ice cream sundae. He put vanilla ice cream in a bowl. Paul poured chocolate sauce over the ice cream. Paul topped his dessert with a cherry on top.
Annie felt contractions in her pregnant belly. She packed a bag for the hospital. Annie called a taxi cab for a ride to the hospital. She was admitted to the labor and delivery ward. Annie's baby was born early the next morning.
Paxton's mom dropped him off at the public library. Paxton browsed the books in the nonfiction section. He found a book about Ancient Egypt. Paxton carried the book to the checkout counter. He gave his library card to the woman behind the counter.
Grant went to an outdoor golf course. He hit the golf ball from the first tee. Grant could not find his ball anywhere. He finally looked in the hole. Grant had gotten a hole in one!
Jackson was riding his bike along the side of the road. He saw a tiny baby turtle walking in the middle of the street. Jackson picked up the turtle. He placed it in the grass along the side of the road. He watched as it walked away from him into the tall grass.
Terra had a birthday party at the park. Her friends brought gifts. They sat in a circle to watch Terra open them. Terra got three identical soccer balls from three friends. Terra and her friends laughed at the coincidence.
Marvin played outside on a playground. He climbed up the monkey bars and fell down. Marvin scraped his forehead on a rock. Marvin's dad took him to the emergency room. Marvin got three stitches above his eye.
Anna's kindergarten class took a field trip to the zoo. They got off of the bus when they arrived at the zoo. They walked through the monkey house. Anna's class ate sack lunches in the rainforest. Anna and her classmates rode the bus back to school.
"Braxton put on his swimming suit and goggles. He jumped in the water with the other swimmers. Braxton pushed off the side of the pool. Braxton's goggles filled up with water underwater! He still won the race, though, even with water in his eyes."
Kendra wanted to learn how to cook. She took a breakfast cooking class at a community college for fun. She learned how to make eggs benedict. Her hollandaise sauce was amazing! Kendra made eggs benedict every time they had house guests.
Marsha met her friends on the beach for a picnic. She handed out cold sodas and sandwiches to everyone. Marsha realized her diamond ring had fallen off. She and her friends dug through the sand around them. Marsha found her ring in the sand by the picnic basket.
Francine and Bailey sat at the lunch table together. They started eating their hot dog lunches. Bailey's hot dog fell on the floor. Francine cut her hot dog in half. She gave half of her hot dog to Bailey.
Nicole asked to get her ears pierced. Nicole's mom took her to the salon. Two women told Nora to hold really still. They each pierced an ear at the exact same time. Nicole picked out her birthstone for her first starter earrings.
Sid rode his bike to his friend's house. Sid left his bike on the sidewalk near the street. When Sid came out to go home his bike was missing! Sid thought his bike had been stolen. But Sid's mom had driven by and taken the bike home.
Dottie loved the rose bushes in her front yard. But one day she noticed that there were holes in the leaves. Dottie looked closer and saw lots of shiny beatles on the leaves. Dottie realized the beatles were eating her rose bushes. Dottie went to the gardening supply store to buy some insecticide.
Carlie bought sparklers from a fireworks tent on the Fourth of July. She waited until it was dark outside. Carlie went outside in her driveway. She lit a sparkler. Carlie twirled around making designs with the sparkler.
Tony woke up in the middle of the night. He heard a smoke detector chirping once every few seconds. Tony got out of bed. He got a battery out of the kitchen drawer. Tony replaced the battery in the smoke detector.
Elizabeth drew a crayon picture on a post card. Her mom addressed the card to Elizabeth's grandmother. Elizabeth put a stamp in the corner of the post card. Elizabeth and her mom walked to the big blue mailbox. They mailed the postcard to Elizabeth's grandma.
Dora went outside to check on her garden. She found nineteen zucchinis all ready to be picked. Dora picked the zucchinis. She brought them inside. Dora looked up recipes for zucchini bread to use all of them up.
"Humphrey hired a nanny to take care of his six children. The nanny asked for some money to buy playclothes for the kids. Humphrey said his kids did not need to play, they needed to study. While Humphrey was gone the nanny made playclothes for the kids. When Humphrey came back he laughed at their funny outfits."
Hannah wanted to embroider some tea towels for her sister. But Hannah didn't know how to sew. Hannah watched some online tutorials about sewing. Hannah practiced what she learned on the tutorials. She embroidered a set of four beautiful towels for her sister.
Evelyn heard her dog barking in the kitchen. She walked in to see what was happening. Evelyn saw a snake slithering on the floor. Evelyn grabbed a broom from the closet. She shooed the snake outside through the kitchen door.
Henry went to a fast food restaurant. He ordered a chicken sandwich and French fries. Henry gave the cashier his credit card to pay for the food. The cashier gave Henry a receipt. A fast food employee gave Henry a bag with his food.
Ava walked along a nature trail near a highway. A nearby car spun out of control. The car hit Ava as it crashed through the woods and onto the trail. Ava bumped her head on a tree. An ambulance drove Ava to the hospital.
"Sarah's mom took Sarah to the park. Sarah ran to the curly slide. Sarah went down the side. When Sarah jumped off, her clothes were wet. The rain from the night before had gotten on Sarah."
"Joe shuffled a deck of cards. He handed the cards to his sister. Joe's sister picked a card, which was the Queen of Clubs. His sister put the card back in the deck. Joe guessed the card correctly without ever seeing it!"
Regis woke up because he heard strong winds and rain. He looked out the window and noticed their trampoline was missing. Regis looked outside the front door and found the trampoline. It had blown all the way down the block and was in a tree. Regis couldn't believe how far it had gone.
Xavier put a pair of flippers on his feet. He put a snorkeling mask on his eyes and nose. Xavier swam underwater. He saw a colorful parrotfish. Xavier reached out to touch the fish.
Virginia decided to make spaghetti for dinner. She boiled the noodles in a big pot of water. When she went to drain the water all of the noodles fell in the drain. Virginia picked up her phone. She ordered pizza for delivery instead.
Kesha went on a blind date. The man she met up with started a fight with a man in the restaurant. Kesha ran into the women's restroom. She opened a large window. Kesha left through the alleyway so she wouldn't have to see her date.
Alexis went to the nail salon on a Thursday morning. She asked to get a pedicure. The nail technician told Alexis to pick out a nail polish color. Alexis selected a bottle of glittery blue nail polish. She left the salon with soft feet and glittery polish on her toes.
Hailey found a caterpillar in her garden. She placed the caterpillar in a jar. The caterpillar turned into a cocoon. The cocoon hatched into a monarch butterfly. Hailey let the butterfly go outside by the garden.
William was a professional baseball player. He hit a homerun out of the park. His ball hit a car out in the parking lot. The ball cracked the windshield. It turned out William had broken his own car's windshield!
Jade and her sister set up a lemonade stand in their yard. The next door neighbor bought two glasses of lemonade. The neighbor gave them each one dollar. The girls put their money in a piggy bank. They decided to buy a card game with their money.

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