k19862217/simpsons_script_lines · Datasets at Hugging Face

text stringlengths 27 594
### Human: ### Assistant:
### Human: Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope. Someday this war will be over. Someday our Mom will be back. ### Assistant: Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free. Then it will cost money.
### Human: Now this... is a challenge. ### Assistant: Now remember, pack only necessities.
### Human: There: a slumbering hubby is now a traditional Christmas tableau. Copyright Martha Stewart. ### Assistant:
### Human: Don't worry, Marge. It's a good thing. ### Assistant:
### Human: There, there... ### Assistant:
### Human: Shh... ### Assistant:
### Human: We brought you breakfast in bed! ### Assistant: Now we just have to make it.
### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: YOU'LL BE OH SO PLEASED / WHEN THE O.J. IS FRESHLY-SQUEEZED / AND TOAST IS MADE FROM HOMEMADE
### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: WE'RE GONNA GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST / WE'LL GO OUT TO EAT / IT'LL BE ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE / AS LONG AS IT'S RUN BY JEWS / 'CAUSE THEY DON'T THINK THIS HOLIDAY'S SO GREAT.
### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: ALOHA'OE / ALOHA'OE... Hurry up, kids! We gotta get to the airport!
### Human: Hey, get this off! Hey, get this off! ### Assistant: Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa...
### Human: Merry Humbug, everyone! ### Assistant: Ai-yi-yi-yi!
### Human: What's wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns I had a neck injury!
### Human: What's wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: Mr. Burns, why'd you come to see me?
### Human: Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson? ### Assistant: Uh... uh...
### Human: Simpson! Where's your Christmas tree? ### Assistant: Coming!
### Human: Just what's going on here? ### Assistant: Fine, I'll come clean.
### Human: It's a Christmas miraculum! ### Assistant: No, it's not. I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.
### Human: We did that one already! ### Assistant: Sh!
### Human: There is only one upside to today. ### Assistant: C'mon, jus' one more drink, Marge.
### Human: Happy New Year! ### Assistant:
### Human: I know when the freakin' Fiesta Bowl is! ### Assistant: Sweetie, relax. Let's just watch some TV.
### Human: Well, well, well. Simpson, you've committed Springfield's first crime of the new year. Write him up, Lou. ### Assistant: Huh? What'd I do?
### Human: Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers. ### Assistant: Fifty bucks?! That used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park!
### Human: That's vandalizing city property! Write him up again, Lou. ### Assistant: What the hell?!
### Human: Mild obscenity before ten a.m. Also illegal. ### Assistant: C'mon, Lou. Gimme a break!
### Human: Sorry, sir, I take no pleasure in it. Oh yeah. ### Assistant: Since when is all this against the law?
### Human: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect. ### Assistant: This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and it's ruined.
### Human: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect. ### Assistant: Oh, I get it. The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.
### Human: Fine. You're "Tellin' it like it is." Also a crime now. And that one's gonna cost ya. ### Assistant: That's almost a thousand dollars!
### Human: Rounding up your total. That's a fifty dollar fine. ### Assistant:
### Human: Homer Simpson, you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official. ### Assistant: Chief, this is just a big misunderstanding. I meant to write "bride." It's a wedding present.
### Human: Oh, how thoughtful! ### Assistant: My bribe!
### Human: Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the Federal Penitentiary! ### Assistant: It's okay, it's okay. I can be out in eighteen months with good behavior.
### Human: We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior. ### Assistant: Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior!
### Human: We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior. ### Assistant: Your honor, I would like to request a sidebar.
### Human: Ten years. That is a long time to be away from your family. ### Assistant: All that time I'll be stuck in my cell, unable to exercise...
### Human: Actually, most convicts work out like crazy. ### Assistant: I repeat: unable to exercise...
### Human: Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico. ### Assistant: What? This guy?
### Human: Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico. ### Assistant:
### Human: We're gonna plant you in Fat Tony's gang as an undercover informant. ### Assistant: I can't go undercover with Fat Tony. He's met me. I've been in his house. I was briefly his Consiglieri... Consugly... Canolli... Robert Duvall.
### Human: So we're gonna plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name. ### Assistant: Can I be Johnny Undercover?
### Human: That's a little obvious. ### Assistant: Okay, Melvin Mafia.
### Human: No, you will be known as Nicky "Blue Pants" Altosaxophony. ### Assistant: Can I keep the name after I'm done?
### Human: No. It belongs to the government. ### Assistant:
### Human: Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh! ### Assistant: Ayyyy! Ohhhh! Ayyyy! Ohhhh!
### Human: Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh! ### Assistant: Fuhgetaboutit!
### Human: That activates the auto-destruct. ### Assistant:
### Human: You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons. ### Assistant: Just get the ladle down there deep -- that's where the beaks are!
### Human: You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons. ### Assistant: Hey, you're that guy from the F.B.--
### Human: Time to go to work. Stop licking my hand. ### Assistant: There was barbecue sauce on it.
### Human: Here's how it goes down: I rough up Louie. Then you stand up to me, earning his trust. ### Assistant: But I haven't earned his trust if it's based on a lie.
### Human: Enough of your dime store morality. ### Assistant: What's a dime store?
### Human: ### Assistant: Blue pants power!
### Human: Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face. ### Assistant: Beating? What beating?
### Human: Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face. ### Assistant: Oh. That beating.
### Human: Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks. ### Assistant: Can I have any of the steaks?
### Human: Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks. ### Assistant:
### Human: Whoa! I'm impressed over here with that guy over there. ### Assistant: Please! Let me have it! Come on! Give it to me right in the mouth!
### Human: Now let us escort you to freedom. ### Assistant: How're you gonna do that?
### Human: I detect a distinct lack of oregano. ### Assistant: I'll take care of this.
### Human: You carry oregano with you? ### Assistant: Oregano, basil, rosemary...
### Human: No apology necessary. I am touched. You and me, Nicky, we feel. Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe, Tommy the Face Shooter -- they never share my grief. ### Assistant: Yeah. Those guys are probably FBI informants.
### Human: You think an informant could get that close to me? ### Assistant: Oh yeah. I got in your gang and you barely know who I am.
### Human: Why you! I'm gonna chop you into pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve! ### Assistant: Well, I guess I could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette.
### Human: What's the matter, Nicky? You got a problem with this job? ### Assistant: Oh no! No! I... was uh... just thinking how cheap this crime would have been in the seventies when gas was thirty-five cents a gallon.
### Human: Exquisite. As a reward, I've planned a little surprise for you. ### Assistant:
### Human: Nicholas Blue Pants, you have shown great fazagabool in the face of overwhelming spoogatzagatini. ### Assistant:
### Human: Now that you mention it, it's itchy like crazy! ### Assistant:
### Human: To heterosexual male friendship, the kind the Greeks wrote about. ### Assistant: Huh?
### Human: All units, move in! ### Assistant: Tony, you've gotta get outta here -- now!
### Human: What? Why? ### Assistant: Don't ask questions! Just go!
### Human: Get a shot of Tony with the guns! ### Assistant: Ayyyy!
### Human: Closer... ### Assistant: Ayyyy!
### Human: Too close. ### Assistant: Ohhhh!
### Human: Closer. ### Assistant: Ayyyy.
### Human: Too close. ### Assistant: Ohhhh.
### Human: He's dead. ### Assistant: No! You're wrong! Check again!
### Human: Homer, I just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest. ### Assistant: So that's it! You used me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket?
### Human: And I'm not gonna shake your hand. ### Assistant: Poor Tony. He didn't deserve this. He was just a soldier in a war he started.
### Human: Homie, I know you had a terrible experience, but it's over. ### Assistant: It's not over, Marge. It'll never be over. When I shut my eyes, all I see is Fat Tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach.
### Human: You never took me to that bar on the beach. ### Assistant: Oh. Well, uh... you wouldn't like it. It's not very good.
### Human: Sounds pretty good. ### Assistant: No, no, I oversold it.
### Human: Wake up, Homer. ### Assistant: Fat Tony?
### Human: No -- I'm his cousin from San Diego, Fit Tony. ### Assistant: Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a tracksuit for exercising.
### Human: And there's no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big, fat snitch. ### Assistant: I understand. I loved him too.
### Human: Your tears seem in no way crocodilian. ### Assistant: Do what you gotta do. The quicker you kill me up here, the quicker he can kill me down there.
### Human: Well. This is awkward. ### Assistant: Wha-- oh, oh, uh, Mr. Burns? Uh, you were cool too.
### Human: No. Because my cousin lives on in your memories. And to extinguish you, would be to whack what still remains of him. ### Assistant: Wow, the killers have been kind to me... while the people who were supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this?
### Human: It's pretty screwed-up. That's why I keep my friends close. ### Assistant: And your enemies closer?
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: Fit Tony took his cousin's place running the Springfield mob.
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: The pressures got to him so he started to eat. Soon, he was known as "Fit Fat Tony," then just "Fat Tony" for short.
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: And me? Now, I'm just an average shnook like everyone else.
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: Stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family. And the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby.
### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: And I have to admit, it's a pretty good life.
### Human: ### Assistant: Are you through with the chair? I've got to do the taxes.
### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Okay let's see, number of dependents: three. Um, add to line thirteen...
### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Hm, better check last year's return.
### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Hm.

### Human: ### Assistant:

### Human: Yes, but then I learned that there's always hope. Someday this war will be over. Someday our Mom will be back. ### Assistant: Someday TV will be invented, and it will be free. Then it will cost money.

### Human: Now this... is a challenge. ### Assistant: Now remember, pack only necessities.

### Human: There: a slumbering hubby is now a traditional Christmas tableau. Copyright Martha Stewart. ### Assistant:

### Human: Don't worry, Marge. It's a good thing. ### Assistant:

### Human: There, there... ### Assistant:

### Human: Shh... ### Assistant:

### Human: We brought you breakfast in bed! ### Assistant: Now we just have to make it.

### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: YOU'LL BE OH SO PLEASED / WHEN THE O.J. IS FRESHLY-SQUEEZED / AND TOAST IS MADE FROM HOMEMADE

### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: WE'RE GONNA GO OUT FOR BREAKFAST / WE'LL GO OUT TO EAT / IT'LL BE ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE / AS LONG AS IT'S RUN BY JEWS / 'CAUSE THEY DON'T THINK THIS HOLIDAY'S SO GREAT.

### Human: ...EVERYWHERE YOU GO ### Assistant: ALOHA'OE / ALOHA'OE... Hurry up, kids! We gotta get to the airport!

### Human: Hey, get this off! Hey, get this off! ### Assistant: Now nothing stands between us and sunny Hawa...

### Human: Merry Humbug, everyone! ### Assistant: Ai-yi-yi-yi!

### Human: What's wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: I got the week off by telling Mr. Burns I had a neck injury!

### Human: What's wrong, Homie? ### Assistant: Mr. Burns, why'd you come to see me?

### Human: Wait, what's this? Carpetbags and portmanteaus? Going somewhere, Simpson? ### Assistant: Uh... uh...

### Human: Simpson! Where's your Christmas tree? ### Assistant: Coming!

### Human: Just what's going on here? ### Assistant: Fine, I'll come clean.

### Human: It's a Christmas miraculum! ### Assistant: No, it's not. I just told a lie so we could go to Hawaii.

### Human: We did that one already! ### Assistant: Sh!

### Human: There is only one upside to today. ### Assistant: C'mon, jus' one more drink, Marge.

### Human: Happy New Year! ### Assistant:

### Human: I know when the freakin' Fiesta Bowl is! ### Assistant: Sweetie, relax. Let's just watch some TV.

### Human: Well, well, well. Simpson, you've committed Springfield's first crime of the new year. Write him up, Lou. ### Assistant: Huh? What'd I do?

### Human: Failed to separate your bottles and newspapers. ### Assistant: Fifty bucks?! That used to cover two public nudities and a poop in the park!

### Human: That's vandalizing city property! Write him up again, Lou. ### Assistant: What the hell?!

### Human: Mild obscenity before ten a.m. Also illegal. ### Assistant: C'mon, Lou. Gimme a break!

### Human: Sorry, sir, I take no pleasure in it. Oh yeah. ### Assistant: Since when is all this against the law?

### Human: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect. ### Assistant: This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life and it's ruined.

### Human: Since today. As of Jan one, a bunch of new ordinances -- with uh, outrageous financial penalties -- took effect. ### Assistant: Oh, I get it. The government runs out of money, so they pass a bunch of lame-o laws to sock it to the little guy.

### Human: Fine. You're "Tellin' it like it is." Also a crime now. And that one's gonna cost ya. ### Assistant: That's almost a thousand dollars!

### Human: Rounding up your total. That's a fifty dollar fine. ### Assistant:

### Human: Homer Simpson, you are under arrest for attempted bribery of a public official. ### Assistant: Chief, this is just a big misunderstanding. I meant to write "bride." It's a wedding present.

### Human: Oh, how thoughtful! ### Assistant: My bribe!

### Human: Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the Federal Penitentiary! ### Assistant: It's okay, it's okay. I can be out in eighteen months with good behavior.

### Human: We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior. ### Assistant: Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior!

### Human: We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior. ### Assistant: Your honor, I would like to request a sidebar.

### Human: Ten years. That is a long time to be away from your family. ### Assistant: All that time I'll be stuck in my cell, unable to exercise...

### Human: Actually, most convicts work out like crazy. ### Assistant: I repeat: unable to exercise...

### Human: Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico. ### Assistant: What? This guy?

### Human: Simpson, we are currently conducting a twenty-year investigation into the activities of Anthony "Fat Tony" D'Amico. ### Assistant:

### Human: We're gonna plant you in Fat Tony's gang as an undercover informant. ### Assistant: I can't go undercover with Fat Tony. He's met me. I've been in his house. I was briefly his Consiglieri... Consugly... Canolli... Robert Duvall.

### Human: So we're gonna plant you in the prison with a disguise and a new name. ### Assistant: Can I be Johnny Undercover?

### Human: That's a little obvious. ### Assistant: Okay, Melvin Mafia.

### Human: No, you will be known as Nicky "Blue Pants" Altosaxophony. ### Assistant: Can I keep the name after I'm done?

### Human: No. It belongs to the government. ### Assistant:

### Human: Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh! ### Assistant: Ayyyy! Ohhhh! Ayyyy! Ohhhh!

### Human: Now pay attention. We're gonna move in on Fat Tony when he takes delivery on a shipment of Belgian guns. In your left sideburn is a fiber-optic camera. In your right, a wireless mic. To zoom in you go ayyyyy! To zoom out go ohhh! ### Assistant: Fuhgetaboutit!

### Human: That activates the auto-destruct. ### Assistant:

### Human: You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons. ### Assistant: Just get the ladle down there deep -- that's where the beaks are!

### Human: You do know the meat is made from diseased pigeons. ### Assistant: Hey, you're that guy from the F.B.--

### Human: Time to go to work. Stop licking my hand. ### Assistant: There was barbecue sauce on it.

### Human: Here's how it goes down: I rough up Louie. Then you stand up to me, earning his trust. ### Assistant: But I haven't earned his trust if it's based on a lie.

### Human: Enough of your dime store morality. ### Assistant: What's a dime store?

### Human: ### Assistant: Blue pants power!

### Human: Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face. ### Assistant: Beating? What beating?

### Human: Hey Nicky Blue, you're one tough yegg. If you come out of your beatin' in one piece, you and I should have a face-to-face. ### Assistant: Oh. That beating.

### Human: Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks. ### Assistant: Can I have any of the steaks?

### Human: Don't worry. We're not gonna touch you. We'll make it sound like a beating by tenderizing these steaks. ### Assistant:

### Human: Whoa! I'm impressed over here with that guy over there. ### Assistant: Please! Let me have it! Come on! Give it to me right in the mouth!

### Human: Now let us escort you to freedom. ### Assistant: How're you gonna do that?

### Human: I detect a distinct lack of oregano. ### Assistant: I'll take care of this.

### Human: You carry oregano with you? ### Assistant: Oregano, basil, rosemary...

### Human: No apology necessary. I am touched. You and me, Nicky, we feel. Legs, Louie, Jimmy the Axe, Tommy the Face Shooter -- they never share my grief. ### Assistant: Yeah. Those guys are probably FBI informants.

### Human: You think an informant could get that close to me? ### Assistant: Oh yeah. I got in your gang and you barely know who I am.

### Human: Why you! I'm gonna chop you into pieces and make you into a Rubik's cube, which I will never solve! ### Assistant: Well, I guess I could tell him he could improve his phone etiquette.

### Human: What's the matter, Nicky? You got a problem with this job? ### Assistant: Oh no! No! I... was uh... just thinking how cheap this crime would have been in the seventies when gas was thirty-five cents a gallon.

### Human: Exquisite. As a reward, I've planned a little surprise for you. ### Assistant:

### Human: Nicholas Blue Pants, you have shown great fazagabool in the face of overwhelming spoogatzagatini. ### Assistant:

### Human: Now that you mention it, it's itchy like crazy! ### Assistant:

### Human: To heterosexual male friendship, the kind the Greeks wrote about. ### Assistant: Huh?

### Human: All units, move in! ### Assistant: Tony, you've gotta get outta here -- now!

### Human: What? Why? ### Assistant: Don't ask questions! Just go!

### Human: Get a shot of Tony with the guns! ### Assistant: Ayyyy!

### Human: Closer... ### Assistant: Ayyyy!

### Human: Too close. ### Assistant: Ohhhh!

### Human: Closer. ### Assistant: Ayyyy.

### Human: Too close. ### Assistant: Ohhhh.

### Human: He's dead. ### Assistant: No! You're wrong! Check again!

### Human: Homer, I just want to say that of all the rat bastards we've had working for us, you were the snitchiest. ### Assistant: So that's it! You used me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket?

### Human: And I'm not gonna shake your hand. ### Assistant: Poor Tony. He didn't deserve this. He was just a soldier in a war he started.

### Human: Homie, I know you had a terrible experience, but it's over. ### Assistant: It's not over, Marge. It'll never be over. When I shut my eyes, all I see is Fat Tony and me having drinks at that bar on the beach.

### Human: You never took me to that bar on the beach. ### Assistant: Oh. Well, uh... you wouldn't like it. It's not very good.

### Human: Sounds pretty good. ### Assistant: No, no, I oversold it.

### Human: Wake up, Homer. ### Assistant: Fat Tony?

### Human: No -- I'm his cousin from San Diego, Fit Tony. ### Assistant: Wow, I've never seen a mobster use a tracksuit for exercising.

### Human: And there's no better exercise than killing and disemboweling a big, fat snitch. ### Assistant: I understand. I loved him too.

### Human: Your tears seem in no way crocodilian. ### Assistant: Do what you gotta do. The quicker you kill me up here, the quicker he can kill me down there.

### Human: Well. This is awkward. ### Assistant: Wha-- oh, oh, uh, Mr. Burns? Uh, you were cool too.

### Human: No. Because my cousin lives on in your memories. And to extinguish you, would be to whack what still remains of him. ### Assistant: Wow, the killers have been kind to me... while the people who were supposed to protect me treated me like dirt! What kind of a world is this?

### Human: It's pretty screwed-up. That's why I keep my friends close. ### Assistant: And your enemies closer?

### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: Fit Tony took his cousin's place running the Springfield mob.

### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: The pressures got to him so he started to eat. Soon, he was known as "Fit Fat Tony," then just "Fat Tony" for short.

### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: And me? Now, I'm just an average shnook like everyone else.

### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: Stuck in this backwater burg where all you can count on is your family. And the only one who ever shot anyone is the baby.

### Human: No! Why would I do that? If they were close, they would kill me! ### Assistant: And I have to admit, it's a pretty good life.

### Human: ### Assistant: Are you through with the chair? I've got to do the taxes.

### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Okay let's see, number of dependents: three. Um, add to line thirteen...

### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Hm, better check last year's return.

### Human: It's all yours. ### Assistant: Hm.