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"I got her killed," Draco said, starting to break down and sob, "How am I supposed to go on living with that knowledge?" |
Astoria knelt behind him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. She rocked him back and forth like he was a child. "And what about the people that would be left behind if you decided to cross over?" she asked softly against his hair. |
He froze as she said those words. The pain and unfairness of it all making him sob harder. He knew then the decision he would have to make. He couldn't leave his son an orphan. He couldn't leave Scorpius without a mother and a father. He had to go back for him even if it meant that he lived the rest of his life without Hermione. He had to try to be there for her daughters too if they would have him. |
He would have to go on without her and it would be like a gaping hole in his chest. The other half of his soul gone. But he couldn't leave those children to go on alone in the world with only their circle of friends and family to care for them. Hermione would be gone but he would find a way for her girls to be happy even though she wasn't there. |
"I'll have to go back. It's the right thing to do," Draco said as tears rolled down his cheeks. |
"I'm glad you made the right decision," she said into his hair, "You've done a great job with Scorpius," she said letting him go and standing up. |
Draco stood up and looked at her, "I always wondered if you were watching down on us." |
"He's so handsome and kind and smart," she said with love shining in her eyes. |
"He takes after his mother," Draco said. |
Astoria laughed, "Don't sell yourself short. There's definitely a lot of you in there." |
Draco snorted in disbelief, "He's nothing like I was at that age." |
Astoria placed both her hands on either side of his face and forced him to look at her, "No, he's not but you had your reasons for being the way you were. Reasons he doesn't have because you raised him better. I'm proud of the man you've become. I'm proud of the boy you've raised. I couldn't have asked you to do a better job." |
Draco swallowed the lump in his throat, "Thank you. That means a lot." |
The gardens and pond were fading back to white around him. That seemed to galvanize Astoria back into action. |
"It's time to go back, Draco," Astoria said, turning him toward another path. |
Draco clutched Astoria's hands desperately, "Can you tell Hermione something for me? Tell her I'm sorry and that I love her. Tell her I had to go back for the children but I love her and I'll miss her every day. Tell her that not a day will go by that I don't think of her and that I hope she'll be able to forgive me. And tell her I'll be along when my time is done." |
Instead of answering him, Astoria shoved him hard down the path, "Hurry!" she shouted urgently, "You don't have much time left to make it back." |
Draco ran down the path shouting at Astoria to please tell her. The path turned into a tunnel and all the memories he'd relieved on his journey to this place circled around him. |
The memories of the children and his mother spurred him onward. He kept them firmly fixed in his mind as the memories of Hermione swirled around him. Those memories threatened to break him. How was he supposed to go on? How was he supposed to be strong enough for the children when he felt like he was breaking in half? |
He ran down the seemingly endless path toward life and his children. He was determined not to fail them this time. He looked back over his shoulder one last time as the memory of Hermione kissing him the first time swirled around him. |
Forgive me. I love you. I'll do better this time. |
He was going back. Back to a lonely life without Hermione in it. Back to children, who would need him, but would always long for the comfort of their mother. Back to guilt and heartbreak that would be so much more devastating than it had been after the war and after Astoria. Back to wearing a mask so that his children and mother wouldn't know how empty he was without Hermione in his life. |
How was he supposed to go on without her? Their lives weren't supposed to end up this way. |
? - December 31st |
Draco came awake slowly and was greeted by the sounds of crying. Just his luck, he seemed to have returned to the land of the living just in time for his funeral. His body seemed not to want to comply with his commands. He couldn't seem to open his eyes or speak to console whoever was crying. His hands remained stubbornly at his sides when all he wanted to do was reach out to the person crying over him. |
The memory of the choice he'd had to make made him want to sink back down into sleep. He wasn't ready to face a world without Hermione in it. He wasn't ready to face the grief, his own and their children's. How was he to go on now? How was he supposed to find a way to live without her? How was he supposed to find a way to raise the children without her? |
They would be devastated. The children probably already were devastated. Scorpius, who longed for a mother and for a short time found the mother he wanted. Minerva and Rose, who lost the only stable parental figure in their lives before he came into the picture. How was he to help them with their grief when he knew his own would consume him? |
Whoever was crying seemed to be convinced that he was dying or dead. The soul racking sobs were heartbreaking. He desperately wanted it to stop, or he feared he would join in. He wanted to convince the person weeping over him that he wasn't dying, but the effort of just breathing in and out seemed to be taking all the concentration he could muster. |
Draco froze as the sobbing person spoke for the first time, "Please, Draco," she begged in the warm, slightly husky voice that he would've sold his soul to hear one more time just minutes ago, or maybe it was hours? Days? How long had he been out? It didn't matter he was back and she was alive. |
Hermione. He focused all his energy on at least getting his voice to work. |
"Please, Draco. Please wake up. Don't leave me. I don't want to have to go on without you," she begged. |
Her pleas resonated with him. He'd had to make the same choice, mistakenly thinking that she was already gone. She was alive. He hadn't failed after all. He wasn't going to have to figure out what life would be like without her. He wasn't going to have to try to figure out how to raise her girls without her in their lives. |
Hermione, my love, my soul, I'm here. Give her something to let her know you're alive, you idiot. Twitch, something, anything. |
He felt his hand grasped and lifted. Hermione's soft, still damp lips brushed across his knuckles. Her tears landed on his hand and ran down his arm. He felt himself getting fuzzy like his body wanted to slip back into sleep. He fought the urge. He needed her to stop crying. |
"I love you," she whispered against his hand, "Come back to me, Draco." |
Those words. Those sweet words he thought he'd never hear surged through him and sang in his veins. Draco knew Hermione loved him. Neither had said the words before, but he knew, just as he was aware that she knew that he loved her. He focused on trying to squeeze the hand she grasped. |
He must have succeeded on some level because he heard her startled gasp above him. His hand was put up to her cheek again, and fresh tears ran down his fingers. |
"Draco? My love can you hear me?" she choked out. |
"My-nee," he managed to croak out in a hoarse whisper. |
His hand was dropped and flopped uselessly on the bed beside him. Hermione's weight crashed across his chest, and her arms were flung around his neck hugging him so hard he thought he might suffocate. Her kisses rained down across his face and lips. It felt glorious and oh so painful. The pain of her on his chest was unbearable, and he let out a groan of pain. Instantly she was gone, and he whimpered in protest, wanting to feel her touch again. |
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry," she said, raining kisses down across his face. The feel of her lips against his skin mingled with her tears. "I love you. I love you so much. Don't ever do that to me again." Draco tried to let out a laugh at her stern admonishments, but it came out more of a croak. "Let me get you some water," she said, kissing his forehead once more before he felt her heat move away from him. |
He heard the sounds of water being poured into a cup. Then he felt a straw against his lips. He took a slow sip, and the cool water washed the cotton from his tongue and throat. Her free hand traveled over him, through his hair and down his face. He hummed in appreciation and wanted to purr and push himself into her touch like a cat seeking affection. |
"Love you too," he managed to say hoarsely. |
He couldn't open his eyes and oh how he wished he could. He wanted to see Hermione's face the first time he told her he loved her. He wanted her face to be the first he saw after this whole ordeal. After everything though, he would settle for hearing her voice and feeling her touch against him. He would take anything he could get. The relief of knowing she was still alive was so great. The effort to talk was draining him, and he would be out again soon. He could feel the blackness of sleep trying to claim him again. |
"Sleepy," he managed to get out. He didn't want to pass out again and worry her that he was going to die. |
"Of course, my love. You need to rest and heal," she said, kissing him again on the lips. |
"Not dying. Give everyone...my...love...don't...worry," he said with difficulty as sleep started to pull him under again. |
"I'll tell them. Sleep now. I love you," she said against his mouth. |
He managed to open his eyes later. He didn't know how long he'd been out this time. Time still didn't really matter. He managed to blink the haze from his eyes and found Harry sitting in a chair with his feet propped up on the corner of Draco's bed and his chin resting on his chest. Draco drifted back down to sleep. |
The next time he drifted up from unconsciousness was to find Astoria sitting in the chair beside his bed. How was she here and when had she aged so much? |
"Draco," she said. The voice wasn't quite right. Neither was the hair, now that he thought about it. |
"So cruel, Stori," he said quietly, wanting her to know that he was not amused that she hadn't made his choice easier by telling him that Hermione wasn't dead. |
He saw her shift and look at her as his eyes drifted shut again, "Did he just call me...." |
Greg was pacing around his room his next time surfacing into consciousness. The sound of a vase crashing to the floor was what startled him out of his sleep, followed by a string of colorful swear words that would've done a backroom brawler proud. |
"Trying to sleep here," Draco groused at his friend. |
Greg jumped like a scalded cat at the sound of his voice. Draco couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped. |
"Sorry," Greg said, looking a little ashamed and thoroughly bored, "Not used to you waking up. Go back to sleep." |
"Sounds like a plan," Draco murmured as he let sleep overtake him again. |
"He's just being dramatic," Blaise whined. "This is just like that time he got eaten by a hippogriff." |
"Blaise," Tracey said irritated. "Let him sleep. The healer says he's healing well and should start coming around for longer soon. And he obviously didn't get eaten by a hippogriff." |
"The way he went on about it would have made you think he did," Blaise said. |
"Honestly," Tracey said now sound exasperated, "I think you're the dramatic one here." |
"But I'm so bored," Blaise whined. His tone turned suggestive then, "Come over here and keep me entertained." |
If his friends started having sex in his hospital room, he was going to throw something at them. He drifted back off before he could hear if Tracey turned Blaise down. Hopefully so, he didn't want to think about that going on in the same room as him. |
"Draco, I know you're awake," the sound of his mother's no-nonsense voice brought him fully out of the in-between state of dreaming and wakefulness. |
He'd been dreaming about Astoria. He could hear her laughing voice as he yelled at her for not telling him that Hermione wasn't dead. She had calmly pointed out that she'd never told him that Hermione was dead. He'd assumed that. But everything was fine now, and he really should be grateful to her for urging him to go back to the land of the living. |
"Draco, wake up," his mother said more sharply. |
Draco slowly opened his eyes and found the distressed and haggard appearance of his mother standing beside his bed. She seemed to have aged ten years in the time he'd been out of it. She had dark bags under her eyes. Her usually pale, translucent skin now seemed gray. |
"I love you, mum," Draco said, needing those to be the first words she heard from him. |
She breathed a deep sigh of relief and then leaned over to kiss his forehead. The gesture was oddly reminiscent of when he was little and stuck in bed sick. She grasped his chin and looked into his face, her piercing blue eyes full of worry, "Oh, my precious boy. I love you so much." Her face turned fierce then, and she smacked him lightly on the shoulder, "Don't you ever scare me like that again." |
"I'm sorry, mum," Draco said, wincing dramatically at her smack that wasn't hard enough to swat a fly. |
He looked around the room, trying to take in his surroundings for the first time. Uncomfortable gray chairs were on either side of his bed. A cot was along the wall to his left with a single white pillow, and gray blanket tucked around white sheets. Along the wall on the right were a gray leather loveseat and the door to the room. The wall in front of his bed had a long table running along it with covered with flowers and pictures drawn by Rose and Albus, the only color in an otherwise gray room. |
"Where am I?" Draco asked. |
"Private room in St. Mungo's," his mother answered, walking over to the table of flowers and pulling dead stems out of the bouquets. He knew she was using the flowers as an excuse to get control of her emotions. |
"Mum, come sit with me. Talk to me," Draco said, "I could use some water if you've got to do something." |
She took a deep breath, and Draco heard the catch in her breathing. His mother busied herself with filling a glass for him. She brought the glass over to him. His hands shook as he tried holding the glass and bringing it to his lips. His mother steadied his hand by covering it with her own and helping him take a sip of water. |
"How long have I been out of it? What day is it?" Draco asked. |
"Eight days, four hours, and about fifteen minutes. It's about nine thirty at night on December thirty-first," she answered like she'd counted every single minute he'd been in the hospital. |
"Where are Hermione and the children?" he asked, reaching out and taking his mother's hand. |
"They're at the manor," she answered, looking down at their clasped hands, "Along with nearly all your friends. The Zabinis, Goyles, Notts, and Potters have been at the manor taking turns watching over the children and sitting with you. The Longbottoms stopped by for a few days during Christmas. Luna comes and goes from here and the house. She seemed the least concerned by your comatose state. Infuriating girl at times." |
"Weasley?" he asked. |
His mother tightened her grip on his hand and pursed her mouth in distaste, "Currently in a holding cell under the Ministry." |
The door to his room opened. Draco turned his head in the direction of the door. He smiled as he saw Hermione walk into the room. She was wearing dark blue yoga pants and a baggy green and silver Quidditch shirt that looked to be one of his from school. |
She smiled back at him as she took in that he was awake and alert. Her smile was glorious and radiant. He felt it warm him all the way to his toes. He reached out his free hand for her, and she walked over to him eagerly and took his hand in hers. He ran his hand up her arm and cupped her cheek. He weakly drew her down to him. He could feel his hand shaking as he tried to hold it to her cheek. Hermione leaned in and kissed him softly, a feather-light brush of her lips across his. |
"I love you," he murmured against her mouth. |
"I love you too," she whispered back. |
She leaned back and sat down beside him holding his hand. His mother looked across the bed at Hermione, "Are the children asleep?" she asked. |
"Yes," Hermione answered, looking between him and his mother like her eyes were always drawn back to him. "They're all nestled together like puppies up in the nursery. I had to give Minerva a bit of Dreamless Sleep potion." |
"Why?" Draco asked. |
Both Hermione and his mother looked apprehensive. Finally, Hermione spoke, "She's been having nightmares since it happened. She stunned Ron when she saw you on the floor bleeding and me trying to save you. Ron seemed like he was about to attack again and she stunned him and knocked him unconscious. Topsy whisked her away right after she cast the spell, so she's been afraid the whole time that you're dead, and we're lying about it." |
Draco let go of their hands and made to sit up on the bed. He looked around to see if he could find his wand somewhere. Hermione stood up and pushed back on his shoulder. |
"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Where do you think you're going?" she asked. |
"I'm going home. You're drugging Minerva because she thinks I'm dead. I'm not going to lay here in a hospital bed while she goes through that. While they all go through that," Draco was panting from the exertion of trying to sit up and flopped back on the bed, "Dammit!" he shouted in frustration. |
He was starting to get pissed about being an invalid right now. He needed to go home. He needed to be with his kids. He'd broken Minerva's trust by pressuring her to go to her father's house, and now she was traumatized and having nightmares because she'd had to attack her father to protect her mother and him. The overwhelming sense of failure threatened to engulf him again. |
"They're asleep right now. Now that you're alert, we'll bring the children here to visit first thing in the morning," his mother said, stroking his arm and trying to get him to calm down. |
Draco took three deep breaths. He didn't need them worrying anymore about him than they already had, "Fine," he replied sullenly. |
His mother got up out of her seat and sent it back into a corner by the cot with a flick of her wand. "I think I'll be going now," she said, "since I'll be back early tomorrow with the kids." |
She bent down and kissed him on the forehead again, "I love you, my precious boy." |
"Love you, mum," he answered with a sleepy yawn, suddenly exhausted. |
His mother hugged Hermione tightly and kissed her forehead too. The door closed behind her with a soft click. |
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