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Disgust and loathing. |
"I’ll go help Shadowheart." |
The group trudged along the Risen Road, heading westward again. Lae’zel swore she had spotted the red dragon again in the westernmost sky that morning and she was adamant there must be a Githyanki Creche nearby. Tav believed her, despite not seeing a thing. She couldn’t see that far when the sun was so bright anyway. T... |
That morning, Shadowheart and Wyll were walking together, hands brushing occasionally but nothing more. Tav liked walking behind them to watch their little gestures. They both deserved some sweetness and it was nice to see. She ignored the hollow ache in her chest that wondered what real sweetness was like. |
Lae’zel had taken the point position, having loaded an enchanted bolt into a crossbow and holding it ready. Astarion scouted ahead, on the road and the surrounding landscape, keeping him from the group entirely. She tried not to feel responsible for his absence; he had scouted the day before and was clearly increasing ... |
Disgust and loathing. |
Halsin and Scratch brought up the rear and, this time, Gale had chosen to walk beside Tav, pontificating about an esoteric bit of magical history she didn’t quite understand. Something about a place called Netheril and the fall of their ruler, Karsus. She was only half listening anyway; it was so hard to pay attention ... |
Disgust and loathing. |
Gods, she had made Astarion feel terrible every time she touched him. Every moment was either manipulation or just disgust on his part and she felt used, but also gross as though she had forced herself on him. It felt similar to the first time she came to the surface and learned how her people were viewed. Uncomfortabl... |
He had said he wanted them to be real, she deserved something real. But what was real? He certainly didn’t know and, if he didn’t know, could anything be real? Was he still going through the motions, just too disgusted to touch her anymore? Perhaps she had just been manipulated into a place where he didn’t need to ev... |
What if she was just disgusting? He seemed to enjoy sex, maybe he would just prefer it to not be with her. She got off on his bite, on giving him control, he could just be disgusted with her. Tav wasn’t a blushing, pure High Elf maiden, perhaps that was the sort of person he would prefer in his bed, not a traumatized d... |
Her mind spun, spiraling in on itself in a thorned coil of agony. She walked on, seeking a red dragon in the distance. Perhaps the Githyanki cure for Illithid infection was its fire. She might welcome that. |
Fire! Black smoke billowed into the sky; something ahead was burning. Astarion appeared on the road ahead, rushing towards them. |
"Waukeen’s Rest is burning." he informed them. |
The first person they encountered, kneeling within the open filigreed gates of Waukeen’s Rest, was a mail-clad young member of the Flaming Fist, the mercenary force that guarded the city of Baldur’s Gate. She was praying, head bowed, over the pale corpse of a compatriot. The mangled corpse of a drow in swiftly-bleachin... |
"What happened here?" Tav asked gently. |
"Drow." The Fist never looked up. "And goblins. They came out of nowhere... Gods, he should never have joined, it was my idea to join up." |
"What are the Flaming Fist even doing here?" Wyll asked, puzzlement over his face. "You’re a ways out from the Gate." |
"We were here with Duke Ravengard," The Fist explained before breaking down in sobs over the body before her. |
"Ravengard?" Wyll asked, his face draining of blood. "Father!" And then he was rushing deeper into the compound of the frontier Inn, followed closely by Shadowheart and Gale. |
The shouting from the compound intensified. Tav moved in with Lae’zel and Halsin, ready to help where she could. Astarion hovered off to the side, standing over the mangled drow corpse with a contemplative look on his face. He didn’t join them and then he was lost in the smoke. |
Tav and Halsin became separated from Lae’zel, who may have joined members of the First to fight fires or the drow forces who may still be there. The smoke and flames made it so hard to tell what was going on. |
Rounding a corner, Tav and Halsin stumbled into a heavily armored group of Fist mercenaries, large men in plate mail carrying bastard swords. Goblins and a drow lay dead at their feet. |
"Another one!" A man cried, lifting a sword already dipping in drow blood. |
Tav froze. She was just another monster here. A wicked drow, inspiring nothing but disgust and loathing. Deserving nothing but disgust and loathing. |
Udos ph'Jal vlees whol Lolth. |
" Tav, move!" Halsin cried, stepping up beside her. |
She didn’t move. The other three members of the Fist took up a fighting stance, their red tabards bloodstained and charred, they looked a heroic sight standing against her. One had a short bow with an arrow knocked, he took aim at her, sending an arrow into her upper arm. The force of the arrow lodging itself into her ... |
Monster. Meat for Lolth. |
"RUN!" Halsin shouted, shoving her backwards so hard she bounced off the ground as his body erupted into bear form. |
Tav yanked the arrow out of her arm and scrambled to her feet. She ran. |
Tav found herself hiding behind a stone storage building, mercifully far enough from the Inn that the flames were unable to reach it. She had stuffed herself between barrels and crates, stacked under an overhanging roof. A little blood had smeared on them in the process, but she was fairly certain she was well hidden a... |
Waukeen’s Rest was built into the mountains; there was nowhere to run except through the front gates and Tav couldn’t risk being caught by the Flaming Fist who thought her just another monster to be slaughtered. Tempted as she was to run out there and just never stop running. Tav worried that running would take her fro... |
She had also considered climbing the rocky ledges behind the Inn, though her shoulder hurt quite a bit from how hard Halsin had pushed her. There seemed to be a ledge on the rock high above her, Misty Step could probably get her there, but rain had blessedly come to put out the fires and she didn’t want to soak herself... |
Sounds had come and gone as the rains had come and night had fallen. No sounds of battle, thankfully, just the sounds of people fighting the blazing inferno the inn had become. She mostly heard the rain tapping on the roof above her head and the occasional sound of her own sniffles, her tears having run out some time a... |
She hoped Wyll’s Father was ok. She hoped everyone was ok. |
Dinner was a bruised apple fished from the bottom of her pack. It seemed like her bed for the night would be the crate she sat on instead of the warm bath and feather pillows she had dreamed of. That she had dreamed to share those things with someone could not be thought about at all. She would sneak out just before fi... |
"There you are!" Astarion’s relieved voice brought fresh tears to her eyes. She had thought herself hollow, without a single tear left to shed. It seems she was wrong. The hollow inside her ached. "I don’t think I can fit in there, darling, please come out." |
She could still run. No longer be a bother to him or anyone. Misty Step could get her to the ledge. She could climb until she found a suitable height to throw herself from. Ceremorphosis wouldn’t work on her corpse. |
She hadn’t yet found a moment to discuss her Dream Visitor with the group. They needed to know what she had seen. |
"Usstan valm dos," Tav agreed in a dejected sigh, before hauling herself up and over, squeezing herself around crates, barrels and rocky outcroppings to finally stand before Astarion in the rain. He was absolutely drenched, his hair curling tightly on his forehead. Those horrible dark circles were under his eyes again.... |
"Come here," Astarion opened his arms. |
"No," She stepped back, pressing herself against the wet stone of the storage building. |
His face fell. "No?" |
"No." She confirmed softly. "I shouldn’t have hugged you this morning. I am sorry for that and it will not happen again. You said intimacy brings feelings of disgust. I don’t want you to think you have to do that. I don’t - I don’t want to disgust you." |
A slow smile grew on Astarion’s face, joy lighting up his eyes. He crowded his body into hers against the building, giving her no escape. His arms wrapped around her, though she kept her arms stiffly at her sides. |
"Heartless. Evil. Drow." He murmured into her hair, punctuating each word with a kiss. "I meant sex, Tav’ryneer. I am having a hard time with sex because it meant one thing for a couple centuries and now it means something else, but habits are very hard to break. And you do not disgust me, not ever. If I cannot hug ... |
Relief drained through her body. Her knees nearly gave way. Instead, she threw her weight at the man before her, hugging him back as hard as she could, sobbing into his shoulder. "Ji tahta usstan zhahus. Ves tahta." She murmured over and over again. |
"Is that undercommon for "I love you’?" He prompted, not letting go. They were both getting so wet. |
"I was scared, Astarion." Tav explained, increasingly angry in an ineffective sort of way that was flooded with relief more than anger. "I was scared and I felt so awful about us, about myself and... and I can tell you I love you in common just fine, you ass!" |
"Then do it," He challenged her, laughing in their increasingly wet embrace. A cold hand tipped her chin back so his eyes could stare into hers. "Here, I’ll go first: I love you, Tav’ryneer." |
"I love you, Astarion." Declarations of love giggled through tears in the rain. How romantic. |
His hand moved from her chin to hug her shoulder and she hissed in pain. Her shoulder really did ache. A half transformed bear-elf packed quite the push. |
His hands sprung away and he stepped back to look her up and down. "Where are you hurt? What hurt you? I thought you were hiding here this whole time, did a crate fall on you?" |
Too many rapid questions. She blinked at the onslaught. |
"Some members of the Flaming Fist weren’t entirely happy to see a drow," Tav explained, slowly. |
"Yes, I know that." He frowned, "Halsin said he sent you to safety. Wouldn’t tell me which way you went and I couldn’t track you in the rain." |
"That’s not exactly right..." |
"Tav, explain to me what happened. Now." Sex was off the table, but she could still get turned on by his being commanding with her, right? Surely that had to be ok. He didn’t have to know or do anything about it, after all. She could just walk through life soaking her underclothes when he took a certain tone of voice w... |
"I didn’t react fast enough. I took an arrow," She gestured to her arm, the hole still clear in the sleeve of her robes, dried blood invisible against her dark robes. "Halsin had to push me out of the way, but he was also transforming..." |
"Does your back hurt because you were shoved by a fucking bear?" |
"Went down like a drunken toddler." She confirmed, clapping her hands to emphasize how hard she fell. "Smashed right into the ground." |
"Not funny." He grabbed her hand and began dragging her through the dark towards the still-smoking Inn. The rain had begun to let up, but they were soaked and squishing their way through puddles all the same. "We are getting you to Shadowheart who will heal you and not transform into a giant fuck-off bear. Then ... |
"Aww, don’t stab him." She giggled, happy to be drawn along in his wake once more. |
"Will you stop loving me if I do?" |
"Of course not! I’ll just be upset." |
"I can handle that." |
Astarion led her by the hand through the dark, empty ruins of Waukeen’s Rest. Neither of them needed a torch, of course, but she knew her darkvision was far better than his. Still, he led and she followed. She noticed one building considerably less damaged than the rest, peeking inside as they passed to see multiple la... |
"What is it?" He asked, stopping with her and following her line of sight. |
"A great loss for us all," Tav murmured. An idea took root in her mind for later. |
"Gone too soon." Astarion agreed, tugging on her hand, "Let’s go, love." |
He led her around smoking ruins and dark body-shaped heaps to the eastern walls of the Inn’s compound. Large barn doors in the wall stood open, the glow of a large campfire shedding light beyond. The party had set up their tents in a long alley between the walls of the Inn and the jagged rock walls of the mountains the... |
"You found her!" The Cleric popped to her feet, relief painting her face. |
"She needs you," Astarion told Shadowheart, gently nudging Tav in the half-elfs direction. Shadowheart gathered Tav in gentle arms, before taking her into the Cleric’s own tent. As they shut the flaps behind them, a commotion was heard in the camp. |
"What the hells, Astarion?" Gale shouted. "We don’t stab people." |
Shadowheart and Tav looked at each other in silent agreement; that was someone else’s problem. |
After being healed, Tav had easily convinced Shadowheart to strip down for a massage. She owed her friend some kindness and relaxation, and Shadowheart owed her some gossip. It was a good trade. |
"... so Wyll’s Father was kidnapped. They seem tied into the same cult the Sazza’s people were following. The Absolute." Shadowheart was explaining around groans of pained relief while Tav dug her hands into her friend's back. "Wyll is Ulder Ravengard’s son, can you believe that? Baldurian royalty." |
"It does explain his fancy taste in wine." Tav chuckled. |
"We rescued a Councillor, some family friend of his and she’s taken the Fist off to find the Duke. I thought he’d want to go with them." Shadowheart related, "But now he says he’s hunting a demon at the behest of a powerful friend. Can’t go after his father just yet." |
Shadowheart sighed in frustration. "I know the tadpole infection derailed all our lives, but "I’m hunting a demon’ is quite the information to drop on us all, isn’t it? He says this creature is nearby; he wants to take care of it tomorrow before we find the creche." |
Astarion’s confessions floated through her mind. Flashes of her own trauma responses. A piece of enchanted treasure simply disappearing; Gale looking guilty when she asks about it. |
"We all have our secrets," Tav sighed. "And what do we all have in common except these tadpoles? It’s taken time to trust each other as much as we do." |
Tav felt it was a good time to explain to someone about her dream visitor and confessed everything to Shadowheart, who gasped. |
"I had a similar dream!" She explained, "a few nights ago. I dismissed it as too much wine and too little food. If we are having the same dreams, there must be something to this." |
"He wants us to use the tadpole, though." Tav said, "I don’t like the thought of that." |
"Neither do I, but if this person is protecting us, we should at least play along." Shadowheart proposed. "For now." |
The massage continued, the two lapsing into a comfortable silence only punctuated by groans from Shadowheart. Tav contemplated hanging out a shingle in Baldur’s Gate when this was all over; clearly people of the Gate needed a masseuse. |
"You know, I really think Astarion stabbed someone." Shadowheart confessed after a while. |
"Does that count as trust?" Shadowheart grinned. "We can trust Astarion to stab people." |
An hour later, Tav slipped from Shadowheart’s tent and made her way to her own. The Cleric had fallen into a relaxed sleep; Tav was happy to leave her to rest. They had laughed and chatted into the night; it felt almost as relaxing as a massage to just be oneself with a friend. But now she stood before her and Astarion... |
"I can hear your heartbeat, you know." He announced, twitching the tent flaps open, revealing a new level of heart-aching beauty when she saw his damp hair curled around his pointed ears. "Get in here." |
Tav ducked into the tent. |
"Did you stab Halsin?" She asked, putting her things down in what had become her corner of the tent. |
"He deserved it." Came his succinct reply. Astarion’s cool hand encircled her wrist, tugging gently to try to get her to turn around. She resisted. "Don’t want to talk about Halsin. I’m hungry." |
Her body throbbed at the words. Gods, she had trained her body to respond to his hunger and he specifically didn’t want that. She was mortified. |
"Yes, of course." She said, staring hard at the tent walls. She wiggled her wrist in his gentle grip. "You can drink from here. I won’t look." |
His face pressed into her wrist. He breathed in, deeply. "My favorite bouquet." murmured against the blood that thrummed with desire just beneath her skin. She could hardly hear for the thunder of her pulse in her ears. Kisses on her pulsepoint set her body on fire. |
He didn’t want this. Why was he doing this? |
"Astarion." Tav spoke in a low warning, "Is this habit or real?" |
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