myothiha/jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

Unnamed: 0 int64 0 232k	text stringlengths 11 214
90,667	How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too afraid of the electricity.
178,148	""Look at me! I'm a ninja!"" - 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.
113,584	What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...
152,101	A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow twenty dollars.... ..the father replies, ""Ten dollars?! What do you need five dollars for?!?""
220,643	America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.
190,646	I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm... She said ""I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work.""
156,644	Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.
199,405	Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
105,844	What did the elevator say to the escalator? Do you even lift?
48,802	Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.
76,708	If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
166,934	What is yellow and cannot swim ? A yellow digger. Why can't it swim ? It has only one arm
85,887	What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own? Toucan
178,697	What's the best part about getting a puppy? Getting new shoes every week.
88,926	I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time.
14,631	I didn't ask for a sweet roll? Oh, sorry, I thought you had said, ""synonym bun"".
125,227	5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, ""Table for three please.""
223,549	Did you hear the one about the nympho who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a red snapper.
50,199	On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you love kids?
41,559	A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, ""Hey, where'd you get that?"" And the frog says, ""Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um.""
105,757	What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons
162,828	holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been
221,511	If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet
202,181	What animal has 5 legs? A pit bull coming back from the playground.
84,246	Stalin met Hitler in hell Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns! Stalin : Two clowns? Why? Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.
115,794	English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox
229,655	What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for School?! Bison
21,649	Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
59,924	[tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
40,041	Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.
42,505	AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet Bear: Wow, real original AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
144,941	Confucius say man who run behind car... ...get exhausted.
167,580	What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday? A once in a lifetime opportunity.
3,542	Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!
215,549	How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......
199,583	Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key
198,628	Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
112,498	I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat.
146,826	Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you..........Bad Breath
159,394	What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper? You only need one nail to hang the painting.
171,476	9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole ""i don't give a shit anymore"" pizzas
227,891	And God Said to John... ""Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."" But John came fifth and he won a toaster
41,111	What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!
159,572	I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out.
175,369	I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.
74,605	If I ever ask you, very seductively, ""Do you wanna do it?"" It means take a nap.
218,699	What did Grandma say to the frog? Something racist, probably.
174,219	[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? Starts breakdancing Thats not as much proof as you think it is
105,792	Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
126,823	I painted my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work.
132,329	People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
168,541	My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" and he replied ""Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss.""
136,729	Why can't Two-Face kill Batman? Because he's two Dents.
104,534	""To Kill a Mockingbird"" ""Oh, I just used a slingshot.""
59,476	[on date] girl: ""id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married"" henry the eighth: ""our food sure is taking a while""
143,180	Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
10,280	God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
228,175	As an old muslim adage says ""When you get home, beat your wives and your children. If you do not know why, they know.""
29,640	When does John Cena get scared? When John CENA ghost!
11,104	Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.
54,520	How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin..
56,468	Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.
191,326	Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?
204,688	I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister
89,333	Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? ""If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers....""
202,296	What is the most searched word on Bing? Google.
134,143	What gets wetter the more you dry? A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)
128,740	A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says ""Two can play that game!"" They forget about drinks.
11,638	What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
107,800	Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying.
199,972	we are the animals that forgot we were animals
139,013	My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
98,689	How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Gas chambers don't have light bulbs.
61,790	Italian wedding invitation , 2 D wedding Rosa Mr .
85,937	At first I wondered why the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me.
720	Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady
165,545	Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns
98,853	If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?
152,228	How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars
125,032	What's the best part about going to a holocaust museum? Free fap material
54,313	How do you put out a maxipad fire? You tampon it.
18,424	The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken.
210,395	How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.
215,969	Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too
164,296	""Dad, tell me a joke"" ""Pussy"" ""I don't get it"" ""I know, son""
195,641	ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
116,599	I like my women like my salad Undressed
122,368	How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!
177,825	If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who's done it before, like U2
130,238	What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.
137,902	Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.
106,649	Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
82,423	Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)
127,985	What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs.
49,427	When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me
198,893	Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..
125,826	I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.
150,854	A wizard walks into a gay bar... ...And disappears with a poof.
2,741	A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo
18,880	I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.

90,667

How many sovereign citizens does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're too afraid of the electricity.

178,148

""Look at me! I'm a ninja!"" - 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

113,584

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Man, I wish I had paid for all that music...

152,101

A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow twenty dollars.... ..the father replies, ""Ten dollars?! What do you need five dollars for?!?""

220,643

America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls. Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.

190,646

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm... She said ""I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work.""

156,644

Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose.

199,405

Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

105,844

What did the elevator say to the escalator? Do you even lift?

48,802

Nice try, blocked number but I don't even answer the phone for people I know.

76,708

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

166,934

What is yellow and cannot swim ? A yellow digger. Why can't it swim ? It has only one arm

85,887

What kind of bird does 2 Chainz own? Toucan

178,697

What's the best part about getting a puppy? Getting new shoes every week.

88,926

I love telling dad jokes He laughs every time.

14,631

I didn't ask for a sweet roll? Oh, sorry, I thought you had said, ""synonym bun"".

125,227

5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, ""Table for three please.""

223,549

Did you hear the one about the nympho who went fishing with 5 guys? She came home with a red snapper.

50,199

On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you love kids?

41,559

A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, ""Hey, where'd you get that?"" And the frog says, ""Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um.""

105,757

What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons

162,828

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been*

221,511

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

202,181

What animal has 5 legs? A pit bull coming back from the playground.

84,246

Stalin met Hitler in hell Hitler said : Next time, I'll kill 6 Million Jews and two Clowns! Stalin : Two clowns? Why? Hitler : See? Nobody cares about the Jews.

115,794

English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. Edit: R.I.P My inbox

229,655

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for School?! Bison

21,649

Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don't put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don't like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.

59,924

[tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

40,041

Do you know why russians always rush B? Because they already Russia.

42,505

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we'll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet Bear: Wow, real original AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

144,941

Confucius say man who run behind car... ...get exhausted.

167,580

What do you call an Ethiopian's birthday? A once in a lifetime opportunity.

3,542

Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!

215,549

How did Tiger Woods get the name Tiger? His mom is Thai and his dad is.......

199,583

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key

198,628

Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.

112,498

I eat when I'm sad and I'm sad because I'm fat.

146,826

Why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you..........Bad Breath

159,394

What's the difference between Jesus and the painting of the Last Supper? You only need one nail to hang the painting.

171,476

9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole ""i don't give a shit anymore"" pizzas

227,891

And God Said to John... ""Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."" But John came fifth and he won a toaster

41,111

What did the vampire lizard say to his next victim? Iguana suck your blood!

159,572

I guess you could say One Direction went two directions. I'll see myself out.

175,369

I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

74,605

If I ever ask you, very seductively, ""Do you wanna do it?"" It means take a nap.

218,699

What did Grandma say to the frog? Something racist, probably.

174,219

[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is

105,792

Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

126,823

I painted my computer black so it would run faster but now it doesn't work.

132,329

People who walk in front of the theater screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

168,541

My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend... I said ""There's plenty of fish in the sea."" and he replied ""Yeah, but it's not just the smell I miss.""

136,729

Why can't Two-Face kill Batman? Because he's two Dents.

104,534

""To Kill a Mockingbird"" ""Oh, I just used a slingshot.""

59,476

[on date] girl: ""id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married"" henry the eighth: ""our food sure is taking a while""

143,180

Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

10,280

God: Noah, I need an ark. Noah: Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter? God: Uh [huge grin] cos I'm banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

228,175

As an old muslim adage says ""When you get home, beat your wives and your children. If you do not know why, they know.""

29,640

When does John Cena get scared? When John CENA ghost!

11,104

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid? A: When the other tenors notice.

54,520

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin..

56,468

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

191,326

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?

204,688

I bought my nephew a drum set because: A) I'm an awesome uncle B) Learning to play an instrument is important C) I hate my sister

89,333

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial? ""If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers....""

202,296

What is the most searched word on Bing? Google.

134,143

What gets wetter the more you dry? A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors?)

128,740

A dog and a cat walk into a bar. One starts licking its ass and the other says ""Two can play that game!"" They forget about drinks.

11,638

What's a difference between a oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste

107,800

Ay girl are you a fire truck? Because your really loud and fucking annoying.

199,972

we are the animals that forgot we were animals

139,013

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

98,689

How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Gas chambers don't have light bulbs.

61,790

Italian wedding invitation , 2 D wedding Rosa Mr .

85,937

At first I wondered why the ball was getting closer. Then it hit me.

720

Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady

165,545

Why are barns so noisy? All the cows have horns

98,853

If i get a rat tail... If i get a rat tail on my chinese food, should i complain or is it on the house?

152,228

How do mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Cesars

125,032

What's the best part about going to a holocaust museum? Free fap material

54,313

How do you put out a maxipad fire? You tampon it.

18,424

The chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn't. He was to chicken.

210,395

How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

215,969

Today is definitely a good day to be kissed but I'm going to sit inside and look at my phone because sometimes that feels like kissing too

164,296

""Dad, tell me a joke"" ""Pussy"" ""I don't get it"" ""I know, son""

195,641

ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

116,599

I like my women like my salad Undressed

122,368

How do you stop your bacon from curling in the pan? ... Take their little stones and brooms away!

177,825

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who's done it before, like U2

130,238

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.

137,902

Handball :) Germany is now the handball European champion. But it seems it was the easiest win in Poland since 1939 for a german team.

106,649

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke? Me: life is meaningless without death Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

82,423

Why wasn't the pediatrician impressed with the new year's eve Times Square ball drop? Because he has seen plenty of balls drop. (Sorry)

127,985

What's the difference between snowman and snow woman? Snowballs.

49,427

When someone invites me to their house and I see more than 2 cars parked outside it I keep driving just in case it's an intervention for me

198,893

Me: Hey, I'm here for the playdate. Her: Where's your son? Me: Oh he didn't want to come, but you said Billy had Star Wars Legos so..

125,826

I loved John Hurt so much... that I'm not even going to make the joke that my heart John Hurts right now. Even though it would make me feel better.

150,854

A wizard walks into a gay bar... ...And disappears with a poof.

2,741

A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo

18,880

I like the way baseball players pick up each other's bats after they cross home plate. More sports courtesy, please.