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A|movie|that|,|rather|than|skip|along|the|Seine|,|more|or|less|slogs|its|way|through|soggy|Paris|,|tongue|uncomfortably|in|cheek|. |
Shot|perhaps|`|artistically|'|with|handheld|cameras|and|apparently|no|movie|lights|by|Joaquin|Baca-Asay|,|the|low-budget|production|swings|annoyingly|between|vertigo|and|opacity|. |
Imagine|a|really|bad|community|theater|production|of|West|Side|Story|without|the|songs|. |
Soul|is|what|'s|lacking|in|every|character|in|this|movie|and|,|subsequently|,|the|movie|itself|. |
A|one-trick|pony|whose|few|T&A|bits|still|ca|n't|save|itself|from|being|unoriginal|,|unfunny|and|unrecommendable|. |
The|worst|kind|of|independent|;|the|one|where|actors|play|dress|down|hicks|and|ponderously|mope|around|trying|to|strike|lightning|as|captured|by|their|1970s|predecessors |
It|may|be|a|prize|winner|,|but|Teacher|is|a|bomb|. |
The|production|values|are|up|there|. |
The|use|of|CGI|and|digital|ink-and-paint|make|the|thing|look|really|slick|. |
The|voices|are|fine|as|well|. |
The|problem|,|it|is|with|most|of|these|things|,|is|the|script|. |
It|'s|got|its|heart|in|the|right|place|,|but|it|also|wilts|after|awhile|. |
Proves|that|a|movie|about|goodness|is|not|the|same|thing|as|a|good|movie|. |
Well|,|it|does|go|on|forever|. |
This|overproduced|and|generally|disappointing|effort|is|n't|likely|to|rouse|the|Rush|Hour|crowd|. |
Topkapi|this|is|not|. |
If|Shayamalan|wanted|to|tell|a|story|about|a|man|who|loses|his|faith|,|why|did|n't|he|just|do|it|,|instead|of|using|bad|sci-fi|as|window|dressing|? |
Ethan|Hawke|has|always|fancied|himself|the|bastard|child|of|the|Beatnik|generation|and|it|'s|all|over|his|Chelsea|Walls|. |
Equal|parts|bodice-ripper|and|plodding|costume|drama|. |
I|'m|not|suggesting|that|you|actually|see|it|,|unless|you|'re|the|kind|of|person|who|has|seen|every|Wim|Wenders|film|of|the|'70s|. |
While|the|film|misfires|at|every|level|,|the|biggest|downside|is|the|paucity|of|laughter|in|what|'s|supposed|to|be|a|comedy|. |
If|you|liked|the|1982|film|then|,|you|'ll|still|like|it|now|. |
A|93-minute|condensation|of|a|26-episode|TV|series|,|with|all|of|the|pitfalls|of|such|you|'d|expect|. |
Guillen|rarely|gets|beneath|the|surface|of|things|. |
She|lists|ingredients|,|but|never|mixes|and|stirs|. |
Audiences|can|be|expected|to|suspend|their|disbelief|only|so|far|--|and|that|does|not|include|the|5|o'clock|shadow|on|the|tall|wooden|kid|as|he|skips|off|to|school|. |
To|imagine|the|life|of|Harry|Potter|as|a|martial|arts|adventure|told|by|a|lobotomized|Woody|Allen|is|to|have|some|idea|of|the|fate|that|lies|in|store|for|moviegoers|lured|to|the|mediocrity|that|is|Kung|Pow|:|Enter|the|Fist|. |
It|delivers|some|chills|and|sustained|unease|,|but|flounders|in|its|quest|for|Deeper|Meaning|. |
Credibility|levels|are|low|and|character|development|a|non-starter|. |
I|would|have|preferred|a|transfer|down|the|hall|to|Mr.|Holland|'s|class|for|the|music|,|or|to|Robin|Williams|'s|lecture|so|I|could|listen|to|a|teacher|with|humor|,|passion|,|and|verve|. |
For|the|most|part|,|the|ingredients|are|there|. |
But|an|unwillingness|to|explore|beyond|the|surfaces|of|her|characters|prevents|Nettelbeck|'s|film|from|coming|together|. |
An|earnest|,|heartrending|look|at|the|divide|between|religious|fundamentalists|and|their|gay|relatives|. |
It|'s|also|heavy-handed|and|devotes|too|much|time|to|bigoted|views|. |
A|mawkish|,|implausible|platonic|romance|that|makes|Chaplin|'s|City|Lights|seem|dispassionate|by|comparison|. |
Yes|,|one|enjoys|seeing|Joan|grow|from|awkward|young|woman|to|strong|,|determined|monarch|,|but|her|love|for|the|philandering|Philip|only|diminishes|her|stature|. |
It|'s|a|film|that|hinges|on|its|casting|,|and|Glover|really|does|n't|fit|the|part|. |
This|is|a|throwaway|,|junk-food|movie|whose|rap|soundtrack|was|better|tended|to|than|the|film|itself|. |
...|with|the|candy-like|taste|of|it|fading|faster|than|25-cent|bubble|gum|,|I|realized|this|is|a|throwaway|movie|that|wo|n't|stand|the|test|of|time|. |
It|'s|a|trifle|. |
Literally|nothing|in|The|Pool|is|new|,|but|if|you|grew|up|on|the|stalker|flicks|of|the|1980|'s|this|one|should|appease|you|for|90|minutes|. |
Arguably|the|year|'s|silliest|and|most|incoherent|movie|. |
Anyway|,|for|one|reason|or|another|,|Crush|turns|into|a|dire|drama|partway|through|. |
After|that|,|it|just|gets|stupid|and|maudlin|. |
Too|bad|,|but|thanks|to|some|lovely|comedic|moments|and|several|fine|performances|,|it|'s|not|a|total|loss|. |
Chao|was|Chen|Kaige|'s|assistant|for|years|in|China|. |
He|has|not|learnt|that|storytelling|is|what|the|movies|are|about|. |
A|mixed|bag|of|a|comedy|that|ca|n't|really|be|described|as|out|of|this|world|. |
The|film|is|a|travesty|of|the|genre|and|even|as|spoof|takes|itself|too|seriously|. |
Marries|the|amateurishness|of|The|Blair|Witch|Project|with|the|illogic|of|Series|7|:|The|Contenders|to|create|a|completely|crass|and|forgettable|movie|. |
The|Piano|Teacher|is|the|sort|of|movie|that|discourages|American|audiences|from|ever|wanting|to|see|another|foreign|film|. |
If|it|'s|another|regurgitated|action|movie|you|'re|after|,|there|'s|no|better|film|than|Half|Past|Dead|. |
So|what|is|the|point|? |
Lovingly|choreographed|bloodshed|taking|place|in|a|pristine|movie|neverland|,|basically|. |
This|is|junk|food|cinema|at|its|greasiest|. |
When|it|'s|all|wet|,|Blue|Crush|is|highly|enjoyable|. |
When|it|'s|on|dry|land|,|though|,|this|surfer-girl|melodrama|starts|gasping|like|a|beached|grouper|. |
Most|new|movies|have|a|bright|sheen|. |
Some|,|like|Ballistic|,|arrive|stillborn|...|looking|like|the|beaten|,|well-worn|video|box|cover|of|seven|years|into|the|future|. |
The|story|is|naturally|poignant|,|but|first-time|screenwriter|Paul|Pender|overloads|it|with|sugary|bits|of|business|. |
You|see|Robert|De|Niro|singing|-|and|dancing|to|-|West|Side|Story|show|tunes|. |
Choose|your|reaction|:|A.|)|That|sure|is|funny|! |
B.|)|That|sure|is|pathetic|! |
A|sermonizing|and|lifeless|paean|to|teenage|dullards|. |
This|dramatically|shaky|contest|of|wills|only|reiterates|the|old|Hollywood|saw|:|Evil|is|interesting|and|good|is|boring|. |
Before|long|,|the|film|starts|playing|like|General|Hospital|crossed|with|a|Saturday|Night|Live|spoof|of|Dog|Day|Afternoon|. |
The|charms|of|willful|eccentricity|,|at|least|as|evidenced|by|this|latest|cinematic|essay|,|are|beginning|to|wear|a|bit|thin|. |
Instead|of|accurately|accounting|a|terrible|true|story|,|the|film|'s|more|determined|to|become|the|next|Texas|Chainsaw|Massacre|. |
But|what|about|the|countless|other|people|who|'d|merely|like|to|watch|a|solid|tale|about|a|universally|interesting|soul|? |
A|silly|,|self-indulgent|film|about|a|silly|,|self-indulgent|filmmaker|. |
Scarlet|Diva|has|a|voyeuristic|tug|,|but|all|in|all|it|'s|a|lot|less|sensational|than|it|wants|to|be|. |
The|character|is|too|forced|and|overwritten|to|be|funny|or|believable|much|of|the|time|,|and|Clayburgh|does|n't|always|improve|the|over-the-top|mix|. |
Flashy|,|pretentious|and|as|impenetrable|as|Morvern|'s|thick|,|working-class|Scottish|accent|. |
A|battle|between|bug-eye|theatre|and|dead-eye|matinee|. |
The|movie|is|virtually|without|context|--|journalistic|or|historical|. |
What|'s|worse|is|that|Pelosi|knows|it|. |
...|instead|go|rent|``|Shakes|The|Clown|''|,|a|much|funnier|film|with|a|similar|theme|and|an|equally|great|Robin|Williams|performance|. |
Lame|,|haphazard|teen|comedy|. |
It|'s|the|kind|of|movie|that|ends|up|festooning|U.S.|art|house|screens|for|no|reason|other|than|the|fact|that|it|'s|in|French|(|well|,|mostly|)|with|English|subtitles|and|is|magically|`|significant|'|because|of|that|. |
This|miserable|excuse|of|a|movie|runs|on|empty|,|believing|Flatbush|machismo|will|get|it|through|. |
Expect|to|be|reminded|of|other|,|better|films|,|especially|Seven|,|which|director|William|Malone|slavishly|copies|. |
Nair|stuffs|the|film|with|dancing|,|henna|,|ornamentation|,|and|group|song|,|but|her|narrative|clichés|and|telegraphed|episodes|smell|of|old|soap|opera|. |
It|'s|getting|harder|and|harder|to|ignore|the|fact|that|Hollywood|is|n't|laughing|with|us|,|folks|. |
It|'s|laughing|at|us|. |
Might|have|been|better|off|as|a|documentary|,|with|less|of|Mr.|Eyre|'s|uninspired|dramatics|and|more|of|his|sense|of|observation|and|outrage|. |
Every|good|actor|needs|to|do|his|or|her|own|Hamlet|. |
For|Benigni|it|was|n't|Shakespeare|whom|he|wanted|to|define|his|career|with|but|Pinocchio|. |
It|might|as|well|have|been|Problem|Child|IV|. |
Arnold|'s|jump|from|little|screen|to|big|will|leave|frowns|on|more|than|a|few|faces|. |
Both|awful|and|appealing|. |
The|lack|of|opposing|viewpoints|soon|grows|tiresome|--|the|film|feels|more|like|a|series|of|toasts|at|a|testimonial|dinner|than|a|documentary|. |
Nothing|plot-wise|is|worth|e-mailing|home|about|. |
We|are|left|with|a|superficial|snapshot|that|,|however|engaging|,|is|insufficiently|enlightening|and|inviting|. |
Helmer|DeVito|...|attempts|to|do|too|many|things|in|this|story|about|ethics|,|payola|,|vice|,|murder|,|kids|'|TV|and|revenge|. |
It|would|n't|be|my|preferred|way|of|spending|100|minutes|or|$|7.00|. |
I|hated|every|minute|of|it|. |
(|T|)|hose|same|extremes|prevent|us|from|taking|its|message|seriously|,|and|the|Stepford|Wives|mentality|does|n't|work|in|a|modern|context|. |
Obvious|politics|and|rudimentary|animation|reduce|the|chances|that|the|appeal|of|Hey|Arnold|! |
The|Movie|will|reach|far|beyond|its|core|demographic|. |
There|'s|no|mistaking|the|fact|that|this|hybrid|misses|the|impact|of|the|Disney|classic|,|and|even|that|of|the|excellent|1934|MGM|version|. |
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