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"I just want a brother or a sister! I don't know why God gave me a sister and then made it so I can't ever see her." |
I am tired. |
My soul exhausted. |
I do not have the answers for this child. |
I do not have the healing balm for his broken heart. |
And that breaks mine even more. |
He cried and I listened. He spoke and I held his hands. He looked up at me and I placed my hand on his cheek and told him the truth: I wish I knew why it was this way, too. And then we prayed. |
We thanked God for the new brother or sister God would bring into Brody's life and we asked for patience while we waited and we prayed for acceptance for what that new brother or sister would look like. Maybe it would be a baby that would be placed in our arms tomorrow - a friend of a friend who knows of someone's neig... |
And that seemed to help. So we both took deep breaths and decided maybe it was a special night, what with daddy being gone, that we could cuddle up in the big bed and watch a movie together! |
That seemed like a lovely idea. |
I watched his little boy body with the life-tired eyes scroll through Netflix movies and settle on The Little Prince. |
Friends, as a warning, that is such a hard, hard movie for children who know what death tastes like. Who knows the depth of hurt death causes. |
The movie was paused and more tears fell and I tried to comfort him but I thought what do I know of comfort? I am so lost myself? |
And then his questions came: how did you know Avery died? Where was I? Did you tell me Avery died? Did I cry? Did you cry? |
It soon dawned on me.... he was three when Avery died. He spent weeks asking when she was going to come home from gymnastics. He couldn't grasp the concept of death... he couldn't feel the weight of what that meant because he was too young. But he would grow older. Understand things. Understand how life is meant to be ... |
He was grieving hard... just like I was four years ago. |
It was my time then. It was his time now. |
I spent a long time holding him. It was as if he had just been told for the first time that his sister had died. |
Eventually, the movie started to play again and we made it through to the end. |
"Mom," he asked quietly. "Can we just forget about earlier in the movie? It turned out good in the end. It's still a good movie even though it's really sad in the middle." |
"Yeah," I answered. "We can do that. That's kind of how life is, you know. There are parts in the middle that might really make us sad, but it always ends up turning out good." |
"Hey!" I sat up, remembering. "I have that book downstairs!" |
We ran through the house and down the stairs straight to the never ending titles. "Look for a skinny book!" I told him. "It'll be blue, right?" he asked. |
Book after book we went through and I had just about gotten to the point where I was seriously considering how to save this moment when we found it! The Little Prince. |
And next to it was another book - one about dragons, actually, but it had both Jadrian and Avery's name written in their childish script on the inside cover. "Mom? Can I have this one? Just for me? And do you think I could have a pen and write my name next to my sisters?" |
Absolutely, buddy. You can have the world if I can get it for you. |
We climbed the stairs which felt like mountains. My legs heavy, my soul parched. |
It is so hard to do this sometimes; be the Mama to the child in heaven while also being the Mama to child who is living. |
We crawled into bed together, this lanky 1st grader and his Mama who aged overnight and never was able to get back to where she once was, turning through the pages of a book that reminded him of loved ones dying. |
"Mom?" he whispered. "Can we do a celebration for Avery on the day she died? I want to give her flowers and a scarf." |
'is that somewhere it hides a well...” |
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince |
I meant to get out of bed this morning. I had every intention. But I couldn't. My head was so heavy. I don't know if I'm answering the hard questions correctly. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or doing the wrong thing. |
Matt believes that one ought to simply focus on the positive and stop dwelling on the negative. If something causes you pain or discomfort, simply avoid it. |
But tomorrow, after school, right or wrong, I'll pick Brody up and we'll buy flowers and a scarf for his sister and we'll have a celebration. |
Because maybe the positive is a brother being able to at least leave a gift for his sister at her grave... and maybe the negative is pretending there is no reason to hurt. |
michelle said... |
you are doing it exactly right xo |
Chiconky said... |
So much love, Mama. You're in my prayers today 😘 |
Tink said... |
Oh my friend. I don't think there are right or wrong answers; how can there be? There is no right or wrong way to grieve, each of us is different. |
Your words are the ones that he needs. That you need. Breathe deep and know you're surrounded by love. |
Unknown said... |
I think you are doing an amazing job. Really really truly. Sometimes you suck it up and plaster a smile on your face. Sometimes you let the tears flow forth. But YOU, friend, YOU always live your truth. |
Life is a balancing act. The people who we allow into our closest circles are there because we balance each other. They get you and you get them. And they might have a way of doing things that isn't our natural tendency. Sometimes when things aren't working for me, I think of how my husband would approach it. And somet... |
Mother and baby ordered to leave college library after being deemed a 'health and safety risk' |
Last updated at 17:11 07 December 2007 |
A young mother was told to leave a college study group along with her sleeping baby - because she was a health and saftey risk. |
Liz Cooper |
Liz Cooper, 25, and five-month-old Dominca Jimenez, were at an evening group study session in the college's library and IT room when security staff asked her to leave. |
The mother-of-two, who is studying in the evening for a degree in early years health, was told the decision was made on health and safety grounds because of dust, temperature and hard-edged surfaces. |
Ms Cooper, from Darwen, Lancs, said staff at St Mary's College in Blackburn had supported her when she was pregnant and had told her she could take the baby in with her for short periods. |
But now she said she had been been told that she can only have Dominica with her in the breast-feeding room or the baby-changing facilities. |
Scroll down for more... |
St Mary's College Blackburn |
Ms Cooper said: "The breast-feeding facilities are all well and good, but if I can't take her onto the rest of the site, what is the point? I'm not going to take her to college just to feed her. |
"It's not as if I was in a lecture at the time, it was a small study group. The college accommodates people will all sorts of disabilities and other learning needs, so why not mums? |
"The college is saying that the problem is health and safety, because of dust, temperature and hard-edged surfaces, but that's exactly the same as you would find in a supermarket at home or anywhere else, so I don't see the problem. |
"She was asleep and quiet and I was carrying her in a sling so she wasn't disturbing anyone. If she had woken up and cried I would have immediately left the room. |
"I was very embarrassed and upset - they called me away from my group and asked me to leave. It was absolute madness and I was made to feel like a criminal. |
"I was working in a group of four people and there were only another four people there - they weren't being disturbed either. |
"It seems like I have to be either a student or a mum and I can't be both." |
Ms Cooper usually leaves the baby with her partner Fior Angel Jimenez while she is in classes. She said she would now have to find babysitters every time she needed to use the library for quick pieces of work and her husband was unavailable, disrupting the little girl's routine. |
Zara Guest, who was studying with Ms Cooper, said: "Dominica was asleep in her sling and not causing any trouble. It's a real shame that they reacted like that. |
"They should use a bit of common sense - there was no-one about." |
The spokeswoman said Ms Cooper had been given permission to take Dominica into college with her for short visits, but guidance from the Health and Safety Executive meant they could not allow the baby in the library or other areas. |
She said: "We are also conscious of the noise disruption that a baby may inadvertently cause to these study areas. |
"Liz was given the opportunity to finish her task at the computer and then left. |
"We are confident that our reception and Higher Education staff have behaved with the utmost professionalism and are disappointed that Elizabeth feels otherwise. |
"Earlier this week we wrote to Elizabeth to reaffirm our offer of breastfeeding facilities and invited her to discuss this matter with the principal, Kevin McMahon." |
Cllr Maureen Bateson, a former chairman of Blackburn and Darwen's children's services committee, said the college should be more flexible and come up with a compromise. |
"I sympathise with Ms Cooper - I know it's difficult to juggle motherhood and studies and I hope the college can find some better way of working with her," she said. |
Pinoy Fitspiration #2: Patrick Jerome Ngo |
Previously, it was SJ San Juan who shared us his fitness story. And we can’t wait to feature more of Pinoy #Fitspirations, so we’re off to this guy who will also inspire you to move and get that body moving. |
Next in line is Patrick Jerome Ngo, a licensed chemical engineer with a Master’s degree in Chemical Engineering. |
“First of all, i am honored to be featured in one of your blogs. I am a geek as it seems but I am very athletic as well. I am a dragon boat paddler from Manila Dragons and working out has been one of my passion. I currently work as a Sun Life Financial Advisor, which i really enjoy. So there, i am an advocate of fitnes... |
So when did you realize that you have a passion in bodybuilding and overall fitness? |
I was a fan of WWE. I envied how their body looks and ever since, I dreamt of achieving the same thing. So after graduation from college, i enrolled myself in one of the bakal gyms near our place. That was in 2011. |
Patrick started with a skinny built before entering the fitness world. |
It’s a different journey to hear from you as most people struggle in losing weight rather than gaining weight. What was your biggest motivation in getting the body you’ve wanted? |
Well, it was not easy for me to achieve the look that i currently have. It took years also for me to gain weight. I was a hard gainer. |
I can say that I am a goal-getter, I will achieve something if i really want it. And so, i didn’t give up and kept trying hard. I took supplements before and just lift and lift. I get my motivation from the little improvements I see from the way I look. They say that once you see results, it will become addictive. Well... |
Take it from what his tank top says. |
4 years of looking fit and in great shape since 2013, with almost no bulking or cutting periods: How do you manage to stay consistent? |
Actually, it was not the case. In the last quarter of 2014, I became lax. I also gained weight: I ate a lot of junk like french fries and camote cue more often. So, i had to do more cardio and be stricter with my diet to be back in shape. From there, I realized that maintaining my current physique is easier than gettin... |
Can you take us quick to your training routine? What is it like? |
Sure. I do 4 days of workout and 1 day rest and the cycle repeats. |
Day 1. Upper chest. Lower Chest. |
Day 2. Back, Shoulders |
Day 3. Lower chest. mid chest |
Day 4. Legs, Shoulders |
Day 5. Rest |
Day 6. Mid chest. Upper chest |
Day 7. Back, legs |
Increasing weights. 5-6 sets. |
In your own opinion, how many hours for a bodybuilder would it require for a normal workout and how many times a week? |
I do it as quickly as I can. My friends are actually telling me that I workout too fast. So I think, the ideal is about 1-2 hours a day. As long as you’re finished, that’s it. Less breaks, more intense workout. |
Any sample diet you’d like to share? What’s your favorite food that SHOULD always be ready in the kitchen? |
Hmmm i always tell this to anyone who asks me: no rice, less salt, less sweets, less oil, less preservatives. Then eat every three hours. |
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