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In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: *obligatory this happened last night.*
so a bit of background first and this might get long, sorry. i'm not sure how many other females go through this, but about once a year, my vag becomes about as overly needy as an overattached girlfriend. it always happens in spurts. most times, i am perfectly fine with having sex whenever my husband wants it and not when he is indifferent to it. when i go through this, that is definitely not the case. my walls ache with a pain unlike anything else i've ever experienced and no amount of brutal pounding can satiate its almost instantaneous transformation into needing to seemingly devour everything in existence like the blob. (thankfully, mine doesn't have an interest in maggots, but whatever.) the only way to attempt to describe it, that i can think of, is female blue balls. it's a deep aching so intense that you know, the only way possible to achieve any real satisfaction, and give yourself a break from this pain, is to give yourself that amazingly perfect orgasm by being as forceful as you can to your lady bits...but there's a problem. whenever i go through this, it's the fight of a lifetime to just get myself to the edge. everything is so sensitive and everything feels so amazing, that i just can't get there. like the over sensitivity is somehow getting in the way of actually coming to climax. i may get a small orgasm out but it's hardly enough to give me more than ten minutes before i'm ready for more life altering, mind bending, amazing sex.
so, now, switch to my poor husband. thankfully, for his time in the military, he always missed these dreadful times. we've been together 12 years now, and though our sex life has been far from boring, he's never experienced anything like this. i've warned him and tried to explain to him, how it was, when it happened, (via means of video or whatever) but no amount of talking or video could ever prepare him for the reality of it. i almost feel bad for him at this point, because part of me thinks he didn't take my warnings seriously and just assumed i was teasing him about being so, incredibly, horny. i never, ever thought, that i'd hear a man complain about the surplus of sex he was getting...he is. his poor penis has split just under the head on the underside, in part because my vag stays swollen and ready for that massive o it can't quite achieve and part because he's had very little down time between sessions...an hour if he's lucky...and embarrassingly enough, for some reason, natural lubricants are lacking and various lubes just aren't doing the trick.
every other time i've gone through this, i've had to figure it out alone. we have invested very extensively into a toy collection to try and find a way to alleviate this pain. nothing has worked. during his last stint overseas, we decided to pony up the money and buy a sybian. i spent a large sum of money on the machine and some of the attachments. less than 2 weeks later, it had arrived. i wasted no time reading pamphlets and instructions and care procedures etc., before clipping on a riser, setting a good spring, and slapping on an attachment. i plugged it in and observed the machine work for a few moments before turning it off again to get situated onto it. i took a deep breath, silently hoping this would be what i needed to push me over.
boy, was i wrong. i turned it on, first a bit of rotation, then, up the vibration. before ten minutes was gone, i had both knobs turned all the way up and i was enjoying every second of it...but i could already tell, despite how amazing it was, it wasn't enough. having hubby on video, hoping to achieve that ever escaping o became less about sexual satisfaction and more about relieving the pain that just kept building and building inside of me. i sat on that sybian for well over an hour, trying different attachments, springs, risers, speeds and....nothing. i was highly disappointed, but i'm not done. i'm just getting started. see, what the myriads of papers which come with the sybian don't say is that for every minute you ride this thing, your legs won't work for five minutes when you're done and every part of your nether regions continues to vibrate and contract. it's like your body picked up the vibrations and continues to mimic them after you're done with it...and continues for hours. all this machine did, was make things worse for me. i was highly disappointed.
fast forward a few more months and hubby returns to the states, he suggests i try it again, which i had done several times before his arrival home, only this time, he'd be there to sort of help push me over. okay, why not. so we set the machine up and finally...finally i was able to overcome what had been the bane of me for months. this was the tail end of that disastrous time of year. he had escaped the majority of that time frame.
fast forward another 2 months. we were stationed somewhere else and had to move. sybian mysteriously didn't show up at our new destination. but since my time of dealing with an overly needy cunt between my legs wasn't seemingly going to happen any time soon, we put off purchasing another one.
fast forward to now. i could feel it starting to build. my husband has since gotten medical disability from the army after nearly ten years in and he's home all of the time. this is the first time he's ever going to have to endure the entirety and magnitude of it. we've bought a new sybian, this one with every possible attachment they make for it (discounting color variations), tons of extra springs and even the lube that their company makes, hoping that i'll find the relief i need. i'm currently in month 2 of this year and i just can't get there.
last night, my husband, being completely exhausted from trying to get me there, had the bright idea of putting the machine on the bed so that i could adjust how i sit on it to better achieve the angles i needed. this seemed like a sound plan since part of my problem was having it sat on a hard surface limited me in various ways.
he put it directly in the center of the bed.
machine was turned on and i was instantly completely focused on just getting there. first, he knelt in front of me, which tipped the machine forward. this caused some issues with balance since my g spot wasn't getting enough stimulation. i had him kneel behind me instead and there it was. however.... hitting that magic spot, doesn't always guarantee that it'll work, but it surely helps. i never imagined what would soon come erupting out of me. now, this part is important to note. women can orgasm in more than one way and i've experienced both. they both give very different sensations of relief. it is hard to describe the sort of relief they give but the physical after effects might help here. clit stimulation generally results in the leg shaking and loss of muscle control, for me, while squirting from g spot stimulation seems to relax everything but the spasming muscles from abdomen to knees. the sensations of relief are very different and i'm not usually done until i've had at least one of both. the only time i ever squirt, is when hubby is in control. i can't make it happen myself, and the sybian has never made that happen either. i'm not sure what he does, but it fucking works.
last night, i somehow managed to have both at exactly. the. same. time. i've never felt more satisfied. i could feel it...and despite it being 4am at this point, there was absolutely no way i could stay quiet. little did i know, my husband left the window open in our bedroom. at the very second my throat started to make, what i can only describe as, the most unattractive demonic sounds i've ever made in my entire life, my body finally let loose. what followed was a whirlwind of my husband flying off of the bed, exclaiming to any and all deities to make it stop, and me unable to move, continuously squirting a super speed jet of liquid from between myself and the machine while wailing exorcist style sounds. everything was soaked. my husband starts throwing anything and everything he can find at me, cramming clothes, towels, blankets, under my feet. there was still a puddle. i could feel it pooling around my feet and i couldn't move. it just kept going like someone put a jet sprayer on a garden hose. finally he unplugged the machine and, slowly, i started regaining my senses. i didn't realize at the time just how close i really was to losing consciousness. i could do nothing but slump over and sort of fall off of the sybian, and doing so seemed to open another flood gate. legs twitching and feeling even less sturdy than limp noodles, i could hardly move. i vaguely remember him cursing about the bed being entirely soaked and us still needing sleep. no amount of soaking it up was ever going to be enough to dry the bed at this point. unbeknownst to me, thanks to my bits still vibrating as if i was still on the sybian, i was still leaking at a rather intense rate.
he, deciding i was done, finally, wanted his turn. giving up on his attempt at drying the bed, he flipped me onto my back and went to town. it was great. he stated that the added vibrations and tremors from me riding the machine made it difficult for him to last any decent amount of time, but considering the situation, i didn't mind. i wasn't really keen on laying there in my own liquids and letting it dry on my skin. never been my thing and i felt like i really needed a shower.
fast forward ten minutes after we finish and i am in the shower cleaning off while he uses, his more workable legs, to try and take care of the massive mess we've made of everything.
there's a knock on the door.
three of our neighbors were apparently disturbed by the noise and considering the sounds i knew came from me, they had no idea what was happening. they insisted on seeing me before they left, seemingly sure he had been beating me. we are hermits really, and none of our neighbors really know us since we've only been here a year, but it's a small town, tucked in yhe woods, where everyone knows everyone and it suffers from what i call, "small town syndrome" (everyone in town knows what you're doing before even you do, type of shit, but no one calls the police unless it is serious.) my husband, trying to find an explanation to tell them that would extinguish the situation, looked to me because i'm the quicker thinker of the two of us. we work well like that most times, but last night was not one such occasion. i looked at them and told them the truth because my brain was still so foggy. "my husband just gave me the best orgasm of my life. sorry about the window being open, i'll do my best to make sure it's shut in the future. now, if you'll excuse us, we have some cleaning up to do." i, wobbly, turned back to my husband who helped me back to the shower to finish cleaning off and shut the door. i'm not sure what their expressions were but my husband's face definitely had a look of shock.
when he got into the shower with me, after cleaning, he had a shit eating grin that totally displays a sense of huge accomplishment. "best orgasm of your life, huh?" it really truly was, but now...i don't have the heart to tell him...even that...wasn't enough. shortly after i returned to the shower, i was starting to feel the twitching subside and there it was, ever so slightly...that dull feeling of pain already returning, almost mocking me that such a triumph still wasn't as satisfying as i felt it should have been.
i've always been difficult to bring to orgasm, but my husband is a trooper. he doesn't give up until i go and i don't know how much more my selfish vag can expect from him. we've been at it almost constantly for two months and i can tell that it's really wearing on him.
*
after being plagued with female blue balls, i finally have best orgasm of my life, don't have heart to tell my husband it wasn't enough. leaving window open led to neighbors thinking husband was beating me and we had to sleep in a terribly soaked, towel covered bed.*
Text: so let me be clear, i don't smoke but i hang around a bunch of friends that do smoke and they forget their lighters very often so i started carrying one for them. no big deal.
i went to the ymca this morning so i could keep my he-hooters down, and stay in shape a bit. now i'm weird about this, i like to work out in normal clothes (i.e. jeans and a t-shirt). it just feels more comfortable that way, of course i change when i get back home. on me, i usually have my lighter in the watch pocket of my jeans usually next to my utility knife, my ipod in the right pocket and my phone in my left. my headphones start acting up, as usual, and i have to turn the volume all the way up to barely hear the music.
now here's where the fuck up begins, a really loud song comes on and my headphones suddenly work again. i'm in the middle of a set with my right arm and want to quickly turn it down without stopping the set and/or making a fool out of myself (bad idea). as i reach down and over with my left hand to adjust the volume my thumb barely flicks the lighter on (it's a cheap and new lighter) and lights my shirt (and almost my jeans too) on fire. so i have to drop the weight, on my foot by the way, take off my shirt, dump all my water on it, and proceed to stomp repeatedly on it until the flames are gone (i would not make a good firefighter). i was so embarrassed that i just grab my burnt drenched shirt, covered up and shamefully walked back to my car.
headphones acted up and blasted music. tried adjusting it with free hand, while still lifting a weight in the other. turned lighter on and burnt part of my shirt.
Text: this happened yesterday, and it could have also been a til thread if i thought of taking a picture of it at the moment of the fuck up.
anyways, the hot summer days are upon us meaning that my car is reaching near hell-like temperatures by the time i get off work. normally i just leave my bag in my car so i can go straight from work to the gym and yesterday was no exception. so at the locker room i take off my shirt and am ready to apply some deodorant when i notice my stick was empty, no even a trace of it remaining. i fucked up when i turned it upside down and out came molten deodorant onto my leg, foot and ground. the container was still hot enough to keep the deodorant liquefied. after a "what the fuck?!" moment, i tried cleaning up the mess i made on the floor but it already hardened at just spread everywhere, i made it the janitor's problem.
from now i'm in taking my bag inside with me.
| hot car + stick deodorant = molten fresh scent shenanigans on the locker room floor.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Given the task definition, example input & output, solve the new input case.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input case for you: Text: (i am quite the lightweight, just to clarify)
so a couple of months back was my friend's birthday who decided to invite a couple of friends (including myself) around to her house.
we all started drinking early in the night until someone reveals that they brought some weed. we smoke about half of it and then all go back inside.
as i had been drinking before and was already a little drunk, this was absolutely dreadful and i was really disorientated and could not think straight at all.
by the time i was leaving, my mum was outside and was asking if she was in the right place etc, so i go out and check that she is.
with me being half baked still and not remembering which house i came from, of course i walk into the wrong house completely. i take a while to process why the stairs are on the other side of the hall but i am interrupted by someone saying "james, is that you?". needless to say, it wasn't and i mumbled "no" and hobbled out of the house and back into the correct one to gather up my stuff.
Output: | got drunk, high and walked into wrong house. | 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: so i decided to make some oatmeal, which started off with me thoroughly washing a small pot. i added a bit of water and set it on the stove to boil before adding my insta-oats. a couple minutes later the water is still too calm so i turn up the heat. a few more minutes pass and there's still no bubbles forming in this pot. after about 10 minutes i'm thinking, something is wrong. i'm glad i know about super-heating, so this is my first thought, and i also know just how unlikely and dangerous this can be. the water is absolutely still as well, which supports this even more. so i slowly take the pot and tilt it away from me, and what do you know a small explosion triggers, but the amount of water made it a very small mess.
i'm just really glad i didn't stir, or do anything stupid enough to get burnt by the water. it also was definitely super heated because after adding my oats it reacted much differently than "normal" boiling water.
hopefully you guys can take something out of this and avoid accidents.
little more info about how it works: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_oxm4mr_i0
A: | super heated some water accidentally and was smart enough to not have it blow up in my direction. | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Let me give you an example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
The answer to this example can be: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Here is why: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
OK. solve this:
Text: this actually happened 5 years ago when i was 13 and is an x-post from my own subreddit /r/storiesofourlives but i found this subreddit today so i thought i'd share.
here's the context: i was not the brightest kid to walk the earth at that age, and was lucky to have lived until today (no kidding i really was that dumb), also i had recently acquired an electrical kit in order to install extra fog lights onto my atv.
here's the story: i'm in my room and it is about 3am on a monday. everyone is my house is asleep and i'm playing around with my electrical kit when a genius idea presents itself. "maybe if i put two wires into the electrical socket then make them touch i can weld something!" so i preceded to follow through with this idea. the first wire goes in: nothing. so i stick the second wire in and as i release it, the two touch creating what looked like a small blue orb followed by all the power in my house going out. i panicked, really not wanting to wake up my father and tell him of my recent discovery, i decided to figure out how to work the breaker box and fix the issue myself. anyways, long story short i flipped the box back on (apparently the blast had done was flip the main switch) and went to bed, with my parents being oblivious of the whole matter even to this day.
Answer: | should be dead because of electricity. | 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: obligatory not today, but 6 years ago. *
so before school, my mom would drop me off at my aunt’s house so she could take me and my cousin to the bus stop. the problem was my aunt is notorious for being late to everything. and the problem with *me* is my terrible anxiety/*need* to be on time for everything. not to mention today was the first day back from winter break, and how *embarrassing* would it have been to be late on the first day, right? hahaha you’d have to be a damn idiot, i thought to myself.
7:55
*no big deal*.i thought while putting on my shoes, *we would need to be out of the door at 7:58 to get to the bus stop on time. no need to worry. i’ll just sit while i wait for my aunt and my cousin to finish getting ready in their rooms.*
7:57
*ugghh what is taking them so long?* i thought, mildly panicked. then out comes my aunt and my cousin ready to take on the day. i was relieved. but nope, a car requires a key, and my aunt’s morning ritual included not being able to locate her keys.
7:58
at this point i was a /u/ngarcia6769 shape hole in the door ready to get to the bus stop to go to school. my aunt fumbled through her purse, looking for her keys. i stood unnecessarily anxious as she searched her huge bag for her keys.
8:00
she finally finds her keys and we are out the door. our bus stop was a few streets over, maybe a kilometer (1/2 mile) away. i get to the car door faster than the speed of light because my bus usually got there at 8:02 (yes i timed it every day).
8:01:30
my aunt is aware of her tardiness, but remains perfectly oblivious to the utter chaos occurring in my head. due to her consistent lateness, my aunt counteracts this with driving faster. now we were going maybe 55-64 km/hr (35-40 mph) in a residential area which is ridiculously illegal. to me, it felt like riding the back of a dead snail.
8:02
we turn the corner and **the bus is already there** picking up those blessed individuals who were on time. now we are still going a decent speed to try and get there. i am freaking the fuck out at this point while everyone else in this speeding minivan is finally starting to understand what they’ve done.
8:02:45
i’m **done**. i **need** to get to the bus on time. then i instantly knew what seemed to be the only option (besides my aunt just driving us to school and being tardy):
*i will just get out of the car now...*
i pushed open the door of this speeding behemoth of a minivan and get out. “nope”, says sir issac newton. “inertia doesn’t work that way, dumbass. sorry.” so the forces of what felt like a goddamn nfl linebacker thrusted my 96 pound body to the ground and had me rolling on the street for a few meters. my head missed the tire by like 50 cm, which would have really put a damper on the rest of my day, being dead and all. also i’m pretty sure everyone on the bus saw the whole thing. so anyway, full of adrenaline i got back up in an instant and got back in the car. my aunt looked at me in shock at how much of a fucking idiot her nephew is, or at least that’s what *i* thought.
turns out my pinky was bent all the way back behind my hand, my head was bleeding, and my arm was completely covered with a road rash. i didn’t start feeling that until we got to the hospital.
long story short i ended up with my entire left hand/wrist broken, cuts everywhere on my arms and legs, and a sweet concussion. but nothing quite compared to the endless teasing, years to come, by my family and locking my door until the vehicle is to a complete stop.
edit: [please laugh at my pain](https://imgur.com/a/ra6i8)
| Solution: being late for the bus summoned my inner steve-o. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution is here: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this: Text: i am one of my high schools morning announcer along with another student. we always tape our announcements then broadcast them. we got into the room to record, but before we recorded we started to discuss our plans for taking lsd the next weekend. we were certain that the live audio broadcaster was turned off, but actually only the soundboard was off. so any classroom with the tv on heard us talking about it, which was about 7 classes. one teacher phoned the office and eventually the principal knocked on the door and talked to us. i was certain i was going to get suspended, but for whatever reason the principal told us to watch our language use around the microphones.
Solution: | i was in a high schools announcements room with hot mic's and told about 7 teachers across the school i was going to take lsd over the pa system. | 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: hi reddit, first time poster here! i have a very fun and quite unbelievable story to tell you guys. this happened back in 1998.
i was 18, slightly nerdy, and i was not a drinker, by any means. let’s get the funniest part of this entire story out of the way right now. i’ll admit it; i had bowl cut. you’ll see.
i was best buds with two guys i had known for years: ryan and dave. ryan’s dad was an airline pilot and had some free tickets to hawaii, so he offered to take us all for a long weekend. needless to say, we were stoked. i had never been to hawaii before, and i was looking forward to the experience very much.
i am 35 years old now and my memories are spotty, but i will describe things as best i can. the flight was long, but soon enough we arrived in the base-model-ford-mustang-convertible-capital-of-the-world. it seemed as if that was the only car available to rent on the island.
ryan, dave, i (chris) were lucky enough to have our own room, which meant trouble at that age. we did some bar hopping and found it quite difficult to get alcohol from the bartenders, since we all looked pretty damn young. desperate times require desperate measures, so we found a guy in the stairwell of our hotel named cal and asked him to buy us some booze. he agreed… and the debauchery ensued.
dave and i did a bit of drinking in the hotel room, and ryan did quite a bit more. he was in pretty bad shape and the place was a disaster. beer cans were strewn about and everything was in complete disarray. ryan was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, puking into the shower, when his dad called. he didn’t like what he heard and said that he was coming up to check on us. he was in the same hotel, only a few floors away, so we freaked the hell out!!
it was a mad scramble to clean the room and put all the beer cans into a trash bag and dispose of it in the stairwell before his dad got up there. we kept ryan in the bathroom and somehow convinced his dad that everything was copacetic and he just had a stomach bug. in hindsight, his dad almost surely knew exactly what was going on, as he kept a much closer eye on us from there on out.
on one of our adventures outside of the hotel that night, we saw an advertisement in a bar for a booze cruise. the flyer made it sound like a ton of fun, complete with hot chicks, music, dancing, alcohol, and a massive floating trampoline. what more could an 18 year old ask for? absolutely nothing… so we decided to see if ryan’s dad would allow us to go. i believe we told him that we wanted to go on a cruise, while conveniently leaving out the part about the booze, so he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with us going. there was one catch, though: the booze cruise was on a sunday and ryan's family was quite religious. dave and i were given the option to go to sunday mass, while ryan was not. we all went back to the hotel room for the night to ponder the situation.
the next day, we all met up with ryan’s dad early in the morning and rendered our verdict. in true top gear spirit, when one of our comrades was in need and the open road was ahead of us, dave and i did what we had to do: we left ryan to go to church with his dad and we got the hell on that ship. and damn was that a good decision. sort of.
i went to a small high school with a graduating class of less than 60 kids, and i definitely wasn’t a big partier. this cruise was absolutely nuts, especially for me. loud music was blasting, tons of meat heads were screaming and being obnoxious, beautiful women in skimpy bikinis were on their backs with cheering crowds around them, as whipped cream was sprayed onto their navels. guys were doing body shots off of topless girls, making out… you name it. it was paradise for dave and me, but we needed some alcohol to really let loose.
now that i think about it, i’m not quite sure how we managed to get on this booze cruise, in the first place, since the minimum age for the cruise was 21. lol! regardless, we decided to chance it and go ask the bartender for a drink, hoping he wouldn’t ask us for any id. dave looked older than i did, so he was nominated to do the deed. if he was successful, our drink of choice was going to be a long island iced tea. he made it up to the bar and wasn’t looking too confident in himself, and i was getting worried that we were going to be busted for being on a booze cruise under-age. no good.
dave eventually went for it, hands shaking… and he got lucky. the bartender didn’t id him and he came back with the massive drink!! we were stoked, to say the least. again, keep in mind the neither of us were big drinkers. also keep in mind that the bartender made this long island iced tea extremely strong. well, let me tell you something… this long island iced tea absolutely obliterated me. i became a flaming idiot and lost every single bit of the little common sense i had. i guess that was the goal, but this was a bit more than i had planned for.
by this point, everyone else was extremely intoxicated, as well, as the escapades were only getting more girls-gone-wild’esque. at the peak of my drunkenness, the boat came to a stop and anchored in the middle of the pacific ocean. everyone started jumping off the back of the boat and getting onto the massive floating trampoline that was being dragged behind it. this was so amazing for dave and me. boobs were bouncing everywhere and we were drunk out of our minds. every once in a while we would mention poor ryan, who was probably sitting in the pew beside his father, singing hymns at sunday mass. oh well, the show must go ooonnn!
i then decided to join in the festivities. when i do things, i normally go all out. it’s all or nothing for me, and that would prove to be a bit problematic in this case. all of the other drunk people were jumping off the back of the boat, which was the proper place to jump off the boat, as it was lower and intended for such a purpose. that didn’t seem to be cool enough for me, however, as i climbed up on the side of the boat and let out a scream… then jumped into the ocean.
fully clothed.
with my wallet in my pocket.
my wallet was forced out of my pocket by the sudden impact from the 20+ foot jump into the water and, unbeknownst to me, promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean floor. dave and i continued to have a great time on the booze cruise and our lives were perfect. i didn’t realize that i had lost my wallet until we disembarked the ship and got back onto terra firma. this was not a good situation, at all, but fortunately it was pre 9/11 and ryan’s dad could pull some strings since he was a pilot. i eventually made it back to the continental united states and got a new license from the dmv. all was back to normal for a couple years…
if you are still with me, then you are about to be rewarded, just like i was. over two years later, my mom received a manilla envelope in the mail, sent from colorado and addressed to me. i opened up the envelope and inside i found my worn wallet, filled with sand, with my faded id card and the tattered remains of a twenty dollar bill inside. also in the envelope was a hand written letter that read:
-------------------------------
my husband, ********, found your wallet in 90 ft. of water. he was doing his 2 weeks with navy reserves. he teaches scuba and is a master instructor. that day he had a group of 8 people out in the ocean when he found your wallet.
i hope you receive this and haven’t moved. i wondered how long it has been in the ocean (hawaii).
sincerely,
********************
-------------------------------
i was floored. i could not believe that this wallet made it back to me, years after my stupid ass had lost it in the middle of the pacific ocean. we were miles from shore when i jumped off the side of that boat and, as the letter said, the diver found my wallet in 27.432 meters of water. absolutely astonishing, if you ask me. my mom saved it for all these years, and i just got around to taking some pics earlier tonight.
anyways, i hope you enjoyed the story, guys. i have attached pictures to this post, as proof that this was not a fictional tale!
[click here for pics!](http://imgur.com/a/mtk6l)
hey!!!!!!! you!!!!!! ==>
[EX A]: went on booze cruise in hawaii, got way too drunk, jumped off side of boat fully clothed, lost wallet in the pacific ocean, scuba diver found it two years later and sent it back to me with a letter from his wife who has amazing cursive penwomanship, and i had a super awesome bowl cut of which everyone is envious.
[EX Q]: Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
[EX A]: i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
[EX Q]: Text: this happened a few days ago.
anyone who plays pubg knows how intense it can be, being one of the last few people alive trying to survive the onslaught for that illusive chicken dinner. i was playing duos with a friend, we were both fully kitted out in the last twenty alive, hiding in a shrub, scoping out a passing truck debating if we should open fire or not. we decided to go for it, we pull our guns and release a hot load of steamy lead all over the oncoming truck. now this would have probably worked if we actually decided to hit the guys in the truck, instead they pulled the break got out and before we knew it we were the dead ones with a hot load of steamy lead in our faces in, this defeat, this shame that i had just felt my me angry and in my rage i belted out "fucking wankers" and then slammed my hands down on my desk, don't pretend you haven't done something like that before. i then tried to talk to my friend about if we should continue matching but then was struck with a sharp stabbing pain in the left of my chest, what was this? am i having a heart attack? did my chest just get filled with hot steamy lead? i tried to breathe in but it just didn't work properly? i don't really know how to describe it, it felt like one of my lungs was a deflated crisp packet that i could feel pain in every crinkle. each breath felt like a knife being stabbed into me. i then decided my best course of action was too sleep on it and see how it was in the morning as it slowly started to become less painful (or i was just getting used to it). i slapped the power button on my pc, wishing my friend a good night and stumbled into my bed. i woke up in the morning after my alarm went off, feeling light headed, i stumbled into my mum's bedroom just about wheezing out that i probably needed visit to the good old nhs. to cut a long story a few x-rays and doctors prodding and squeezing me, it was determined that i had received a spontaneous pneumothorax. (my third one) i'm currently awaiting surgery in hospital with a greg's sausage roll and doughnut and cant wait to get back home to play more pubg and get more chicken dinners. moral of the story kids, don't get mad at video games if you are prone to a collapsed lung or two.
edit one - a clearly intellectual redditor corrected me on my writing.
[EX A]: | shouted at a computer and got karma by my lung collapsing, fun times.
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: this is more than likely going to be quite a long post so bear with me if you decide to stick around. this is also a form of closure for me with what has happened in the past month or so. anyway here goes the story. names have been changed to protect people even though i'm quite sure they don't use reddit.
i met this girl we'll call sarah, she's absolutely stunning, kind, caring, compassionate, super fun and really easy to get along with. she was the kind of person that you would never give up no matter what happened between you. we met in august 2013, we ended up hitting it off really well and became really close friends super quickly. we both were pretty interested in each other however neither of us would act on it, they most we did was flirt on and off for a year. i wasn't wanting to make a move because she had a habit of bouncing in and out of relationships and i personally wasn't ready for one. we had our fair share of disagreements, fights and drama that we got pissed off at each other for however no matter what happened and no matter how angry we got at each other we always came back to each other as friends realising what we did as wrong and instantly becoming close friends again.
around easter last year we became closer that we had ever been before, talking almost everyday starting to actually take interest in one another as more than friends. she had a boyfriend at the time who she wasn't into anymore (it was a relationship they had rushed into) so when they broke up sarah and i started to see each other a lot, i ended up going to her house quite a few times and we talked for hours on end about life and all that fun stuff. i got close to her parents and they also seemed to enjoy having me around quite a lot too. fast forward 3 months to when i actually realised that she was trying to be more than a friend (i was an oblivious little nerd at the time) i ended up asking her out and later on asking her to be my girlfriend queue amazing memories such as going to her vacation house multiple times, going to the beach (stayed there for about a week twice once last year and once this year) and into the mountains for the easter weekend this year. things couldn't have been better for us, we were happy, doing new things and were in love.
queue the end of the honeymoon stage:
i've got anxiety, used to be pretty self conscious about things. which in retrospect i should have seen someone earlier, it may have actually saved the relationship. this caused a lot of fighting, i am anxiously attached and she was an avoidant attached. while i wanted to talk about my issues and what was going on in the relationship, she wanted nothing to do with this and in the long run it ended up dragging her down quite a lot because of this. (she had anxiety too and my constant worrying was bringing it back quite a lot according to her). queue the tifu, one night we were talking and i said to her that sometimes i just see her as a friend, (we hadn't been doing much intimately and i felt like she was starting to drift away from me). understandably she took this very badly, i tried to apologise for that multiple times but she wouldn't hear it. i went over to her house the next day to say how sorry i was but it only ended in tears and me leaving. we fixed it over time but we couldn't properly fix what happened. when she joined the university guild (they all seem like a bunch of highly functioning alcoholics) she completely changed as a person, she met a guy who was hitting on her while we were still together and this made my anxiety go crazy, every time she mentioned his name i would tense up and get insanely anxious. she ended up partying with him quite often while we were still together (stayed at his house etc too).
after one of our blowups we went to a park to talk about what we wanted for us and what we should do with our relationship. i ended up asking her for a second chance, which she replied to by saying only if you give me one too. we ended up staying together for a few more weeks until one night she just exploded, saying things like the only reason i gave you a second chance was because your grandma was in hospital and i couldn't bear the thought of hurting you more. (this hurt me more than her dumping me then and there would have, when i asked for the second chance). the next day i picked her up from her job interview and on the drive back to hers i was saying how i think we're over, after the things that she said the night before it was clear that we were over. we parked in a park a few streets away from her house to talk it out and we agreed that it is best for us to breakup save us the pain from being in the relationship was causing. (we were together for one and a half years)
the day after we broke up the guy that was hitting on her when we were together was flirting with her already. on the saturday we went to a concert that was my birthday present from me to her. a friend advised that i should take someone else seeing as we broke up, but i couldn't do that to her not after knowing her for so long and knowing that it was her favorite band. i couldn't possibly crush another human being like that. that night and for a week after we ended up kissing, holding hands and cuddling like we used to in our relationship which made things really confusing for the both of us. fast forward a week i picked her up from a family party we went back to hers so we could get ready for another party that we were both attending and she came onto me, we ended up having sex and then again the next day when i went over to hers to sort out what had happened the night before. this ended up happening again the week after as well.
this is where things start to get messy, it was her birthday when i saw her next (there was a beach party that we went to) i got really drunk and one of her close friends told me that sarah and sam made out. (i was being lied to by her for 3 or so weeks) so i went up to her and was like why were you lying to me about it, i don't care that you made out i just wanted to know the truth when i asked you. i'm dissapointed that you lied to me after knowing me for two and a half years.
monday night she calls me after my friend had a go at her for lying to me and him, she called me abusing me saying that we're over, to stop causing drama and making up rumors about things that have never happened etc. she ended it with you're not coming to my 18th anymore goodbye. a few days later i called back to apologise for what i did on her birthday saying i'm sorry about my behavior it was inappropriate i shouldn't have done it at all. she later on re-invited me to her 18th and i went along to it. sam (the guy she lied to me about) kissed her on the forehead so that crushed me a lot. we'd been fighting on and off until last night during the week leading up to it where she kept reminding me of things like how my anxiety and what i said about her being a friend were the main reasons that we ended up breaking up. kept snapchatting me photos of her with guys when she was out, generally trying to make me feel like shit.
here comes the last part, last night, the 10/10/2015.
i rocked up to a party that she was at and when i arrived one of my friends pulled me aside we'll call her sally. she told me that sarah hooked up with another guy we'll call ben, but not for me to worry because he said that it wouldn't happen again and he was planning on saying sorry to me. (not sure why, its been a month since we broke up). later on in the night sarah disappeared with a guy for a while. i was talking to a friend when ben came up saying that sarah was in the guys car and they were having sex (turns out they were just making out), i felt absolutely gutted and sick so i went to leave, guess who i bumped into when i was walking down the street? that's right. sarah. i pulled her aside and apologized for getting angry at her previously and she said that its okay and decided to walk to the car with me where we ended up having a chat about us and making out again. she ended it saying that she still isn't over me, because she loved me for a year and a half. (a lot of conflicting information from her i'll elaborate on soon). however her friend saw us making out and wanted to murder us both (in her words "we broke up, we shouldn't be making out"). later on in the night i was talking to a friend when sarah walked over to the guy she hooked up with earlier who was sitting near me and started to hookup with him again, which absolutely crushed me that she would do something like that to me. 90% of the party was in disbelief about what she was doing and how cruel it is to do that when your ex is at the same party.
i went home and called her today and said *"i'm just really hurt and can't really wrap my head around that you'd do something like that when i was around "* to which she replied with things like *"we broke up. i hooked up with another guy. i'm allowed to do that, you have no business in this anymore."* and when i confronted her about how her behavior and personality has changed completely she replied with *"i've changed because i can be who i want to be, not who i had to be for you."* i also said that she needs to take peoples feelings into consideration when she does things not just act on impulse, to which she replied with *"technically i don't have to."*
later on she called back and abused the shit out of me with her friends in the background egging her on and her showing off to them by mocking what i was saying.
so that is how i fucked up reddit, by having anxiety and telling the girl i loved so much that i saw her more as a friend sometimes. now i'm watching a kind, caring, genuine and compassionate girl that i knew for two + years (or so i thought) do a complete 180 disregard peoples feelings and past relationships all because she turned 18.
Ex Output:
ex girlfriend used to be an amazing human being, turned 18 grew an ice heart.
Ex Input:
Text: this happened last night. i was having a bad week and my wife offered to take a bath with me which i gladly accepted. we set up the bath and my wife had to use the bathroom (the toilet is behind another door from the bath which is important for the story). so i get into the bath early cause it was cold as shit.
so i'm settling down and enjoying myself when i suddenly get a big urge to pee and i can't hold it. i don't want to get out of the bath either cause it was super cold that night so i looked around and found a cup next to the bath. i put the cup over my dick to the point where i think that no air could escape out of it. my plan was to pee in it and then stand up and then take the cup off and put it on the sink so i could get rid of it later or when my wife came out.
i start peeing and at first it seems like the plan is going swell however after like 3 seconds i notice yellow seeping from the cup. i get frightened and jump up out of the water and the cup falls over into the tub. at this point i'm holding in the rest of my piss and i turn the drain on, put on a towel and run downstairs to our second bathroom to dispose of the waste.
when i return, lo and behold my wife is sitting in the bath telling me to jump in. i couldn't bring myself to tell her that 1. i tried to piss in a cup while in the bathtub and accidently pissed into the bath or 2. that she was bathing in it. so i get in without saying a word and spend 30 minutes of quality time with my wife in my own piss.
edit: a word
Ex Output:
stuck my dick into a cup while in the bath to pee
Ex Input:
Text: i was watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmqdoiqn9ka&feature=iv&src_vid=o2uvkubozvy&annotation_id=annotation_325438045, and in the suggested videos was "mario powerups in real life". unfortunately, i clicked on the video below it, which was "fun with condoms". that was when my mom decided to come up. haven't spoken to her since.
Ex Output:
| when you're 11, don't show interest in anything remotely close to sex.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: tifu by accidentally getting high on my work break
to start the story i'm an moderate stoner, smoking 3-4 times a week. i've also gone to work high before but only a handful of times and i managed just fine.
i was working a 2-8 shift (midday-closing) and my break was at 4:30, right before the night crew came in. at around 4:55 i was about to leave my house and go back to work when i decided to eat a brownie that my sister had left out. not really paying much attention i scarfed one down and immediately felt off-put, fuck. i knew my mistake but figured it wouldn't effect me much. i had already smoked a blunt the night before and got pretty baked so i was confident i could handle this high based on other edibles i've had before that really didn't do much to me. i hadn't smoked in a week (stopped because of anxiety while high) and went through some withdrawal earlier in the week but considering i had a good high the night before i felt ok to go back to work
on my quick drive to work i immediately knew i was too high when i caught myself zoned tf out jamming to oh my dis side and feeling the music travel through my body completely. i was absolutely zooted out of my mind. once i arrived at work it was me, the night crew (consisting of 3 kids i went to high school with and my youngest manager), and my two other managers including my main boss. i should mention that i work at a department store similar to a job lot but the staff is small and the ones working that night were around my age (18). avoiding any big encounters i was able to last until 5:15 when my main bosses went home and it was just the night crew there, this is when the high started escalating rapidly.
i walked over and chatted with my boss and two coworkers and it felt like a nightmare. everything they said sounded like it was meant to either offend me or hint that they knew i was baked. my paranoia and anxiety was so intense that i felt my entire body shaking so badly that i ended up just sitting down in he middle the aisle. at this point i figured they must've known but after i was able to escape the conversation and get assigned a task in the back room, stapling carpet onto a wood pallet for a display. it took me 30 minutes to realize i was using a broken staple gun when my coworker came to the back and encouraged me to go to my manager.
i thought "this is it they're all against me i'm getting fired or they're all just fucking with me because they know." at this point my physical symptoms have started to dwindle but my head was far from stable. i figured i was ok until my bosses boyfriend comes in. now they're about 5-6 years older than i am but her boyfriend and i have had an issue in the past and she only brings him in when a coworker is causing an issue. at this point i knew it was time to fess up. i pulled my manager aside and told her i "accidentally ate a pot brownie" at my friends house and that i was beyond high for work. to my surprise she told me she knew just by looking at my eyes as they were "bloodshot with pulsing pupils" as she described them. she also told me that none of my coworkers had a clue because they don't know much about weed and she encouraged me to tell them. after this went down my high started to relax and i was calming down from my panic attack.
my manager allowed me to sit down for the last 2 hours of my shift and calm myself down as she reassured me that i had nothing to be worried about. she was kind enough to let me off the hook and kept it between me and my coworkers so i don't lose my job. as lucky and grateful i am to not have gotten into any trouble for it this is easily the most embarrassing event that's happened to me in my adolescent years and work life.
accidentally ate pot brownie before work. had extremely strong high with an anxiety attack and resorted to telling my boss. staying sober now.
Text: hi reddit, this did not happen today but i just felt like sharing my story.
i work in tech support, you know taking calls, creating tickets, resolving issues. at this one company, i got promoted to a second level position: no more calls, just a few tickets assigned to my queue, better pay, less hours. i was made. then came the fatidic day when the company fucked up and did not pay us on time, i was super mad, calling them and going to their office (they are a subcontractor, so we work on the clients office) and demanding an explanation, this was on a friday so i had to spend the weekend with no money; on monday they explain everything and promise to pay by friday and they did.
two weeks later was the companies christmas party and i was there with some friends, alcohol was consumed, jokes were made, then i got black out drunk and on my stupor i found the guy that explained why they did not paid on time and started trying to start a fight with him. a lot of people tried to break it up, and one of them was (i did not know then) the companies ceo. i pushed him away and told him "fuck off man, i will also kick your ass". they had to call the police to remove me from the premises.
on monday i was told who that one mas was. i tried to appeal to their good hearth and obviously they had to fire me. had to go back to taking calls and working as a slave on tech support.
got drunk on a company christmas party and tried to fight the ceo. then i was fired.
Text: this actually just happened a few hours ago. i work as a cart attendant in my neighborhood chain superstore, in a fairly populated city. to those who don't know what being a cart attendant in a busy city entails; you push rows of carts through the parking lot towards the store, while also dodging whatever shitty drivers there are nearby trying to kill you.
i worked the closing shift tonight, and things were progressing fairly normally, and traffic was slowing down as the night went on. i was pushing one of the last rows of carts into the store when i happened to look at my shadow on the asphalt. i realized it getting bigger and bigger and longer and taller, and realized the familiar sound of a car engine behind me.
a lot of things went through my mind very quickly. *the driver is probably texting and not paying attention. i need to get out of the way. i shouldn't even turn around, i should just move now, be a hero. some guy with awesome instincts and reflexes. yea, that would be cool.* so, i did what anyone else would have done in the situation. i ditched the carts i was pushing and dove onto the sidewalk, breaking my fall into a fire roll. i picked myself up and looked to see what danger i avoided... and saw our store's security guard, holding his flashlight, looking at me like i was either mentally ill or extremely high. looking for the source of the engine noise, i saw a car was driving the opposite direction down the parking lot. it had probably driven past me while i was enamored with my shadow.
needless to say, that security guard gave me pretty strange looks for the rest of the night.
| : tried to trust my instincts, instead rolled on the concrete for no reason in front of a coworker.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
PROBLEM: Text: this happend yesterday and everything is ok now, but good god i thought i had brought hell down on me.
i have dual screens, that's important to know. and obviously this is a throwaway.
so i have facebook up on the right one and reddit up on my main one(the left one). nothing new on reddit and i'm really bored so i scroll through facebook for a while.
low and behold, an old(busty) classmate just posted a bikini picture. instant hard on(not by her really, more like i got reminded that the biggest porn collection in history is right in front of me). so i go to the bathroom, take some tp and put it down on the keyboard so i can grab it quickly when i need to. then i open up a tab in incognito but i find the light from the right monitor disturbing so i shut it off.
2h later me and my so is sitting in front of the computer editing pictures. i go to grab some cookies and she sits there by herself for 2 minutes. when i get back, there's a panorama-like picture up on the main screen.
"what the fuck is that?" i think.
it's a girl being fucked from behind, and right next to it is a picture of a facebook friend of mine. turns out i must have hit the "printscreen" button while going for the tp and since i my dropbox uploads all of my screenshots it got saved.
i don't even want to talk about the shit that went on with my so after that but it's ok and she understands that it was just a mistake.
today i fucked up, and then some.
SOLUTION: if you accidentally "liked" someones bikini picture on facebook, you got off lucky.**
PROBLEM: Text: so this tifu started yesterday, but i had not realized it until today. this morning at 5:20am to be exact. as i was getting ready to leave for work (read: practically running out of the door because i had hit snooze 3 times), i soon realized that my keys were nowhere to be found. i have a nearly two hour commute that involves driving to the train station and taking several subways. if i miss this train, i will be late for work. i also have a key to work and am often the first one there/last one to leave. after sprinting around the house for a couple of minutes, i ask my mom if she has seen my keys. she says no. she then remembers that my grandma was left unattended yesterday near the front of the house where i always leave my keys. my grandma has dementia and often takes/hides things. i still haven't found my keys. and no, she doesn't remember taking them. on the plus side, i grabbed my spare car key and made it to work on time. on the downside, i had to wait outside in the rain for 15 minutes this morning waiting for someone to let me in.
SOLUTION: left keys where i normally do and now they are most likely in grandma's super secret hideout spot, that no one can find, including herself.
PROBLEM: Text: so i love having bbq's at my place and inviting some friends over for some great chats, drinks and board/card games.
i offered to make edibles for the weekend and it was universally agreed that the edibles i make taste awesome, but are a little bit weak as i don't like to overload anyone on their first time.
so i'm making edibles, mixing some vaped bud with coconut oil and i walk away to answer the phone, it's my best mate and we have a long chat about how awesome life is. after i finish the phone call, i have a celebratory joint and then watch the sunset. wonderful colours a+. go back inside, and continue cooking by adding the vaped bud to the coconut oil, start cooking enjoying my night.
the next day all my friends come over, we sit down to a veritable feast and i bring out the brownies. i take two because i have a higher tolerance and give everyone else one. we start with cards against humanity and exploding kittens, i'm starting to feel something and i look around the table.
whoops.. oh fuck.. what did i do...
all of my friends look like straight 8+, one is trying to sit up straight and is staring at me like i've shanked him in the shower.
"dude, what the fuck was in those brownies?". everyone is looking around at each other, agreeing that they were too high and still rising. i realised i had only minutes to try and rectify the situation before paranoia kicked in, so i brought everyone inside and gave everyone blankets. put finding nemo on the tv and hoped that it would be bright and colourful enough to be entertaining. grabbed my emergency kit, and handed out packets of wizz-fizz, chocolate and sugary drinks to everyone.
i sat watching all of them as everyone in the room watched the movie and slowly and visibly became space cadets. sweet dreams pupper, ground control to major tom. eventually that movie finished and i decided the only thing less stressful than nemo is monsters inc.
eventually people started to go to sleep, so i ushered each one to their own sleeping space, eventually each person was passed out in their respective beds.
i went back and looked at the recipe to see how badly i had fucked up. about 2 ounces of vaped bud potency in only 8 muffins. all of them recovered fine after a hearty breakfast of bacon, but i think i learned my lesson.
SOLUTION: | don't smoke while cooking.
| 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: this happened a few years ago when i was a bartender and it still makes me cringe...
i was bartending at a brew pub and it was right before my shift. i was sitting at a table with one of my friends and he turns to me and says, "hey, i think that is jim belushi sitting over there." i turn to see who he is gesturing at and it is definitely *not* jim belushi. it *is* a man of a similar build though so i could see why my friend might make the mistake.
the next few minutes are spent arguing about if it *is* him or if it *isn't* him. i can tell you with complete confidence that it was not jim belushi. anyway, i am starting to get tired of arguing about it so i tell my friend that i can settle this right now and i start to say, "jim belushi" out loud in the direction of the man that is definitely *not* jim belushi. i am getting louder and louder, "jim belushi... jim belushi... **jim belushi!!!**".
as i am doing this, yelling "jim belushi" in a crowded pub, a figure suddenly blocks my vision, standing between myself and the man that i am screaming at. i look up and... of course... it's the *real* jim belushi. he looks down at me and in a sarcastic voice says, "*you rang?*". i'm pretty sure my face just went completely white and i started apologizing profusely as my friend sat next to me and laughed his ass off. obviously what had happened was my friend had been pointing at the real jim belushi and i was looking at someone else.
jim belushi ended up being super nice. he bought my friends some beers and proceeded to give me shit for the rest of the night...
Student: | jim belushi is pretty cool and i am an idiot | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Part 1. Definition
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Part 2. Example
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Answer: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Part 3. Exercise
Text: today i gave my new maine coon her first bath, as apparently it's best to get them used to it in case they get stinky later on. all that fur and whatnot.
the battle was tremendous, as arya did not let the fact that she's only 9 weeks and about 4 pounds stop her from ripping into my flesh like a legion of the undead. the noise was otherworldy, as if someone was skinning small infants before dipping them into vats of salt water to make an orchestra of wailing. blood and fur flew all over the bathroom, soap got into cuts and kitten eyes alike, but finally she was clean.
i struggled to get the soaking wad of fur from the bathroom into my room so my roommate didn't have to deal with the racket any longer. not paying any attention to anything but my decimated forearms, i picked a towel up off the floor and dried the spastic feline as quickly as i could before depositing her on the bed so i could tend to my wounds.
it's only after i peered into the mirror and saw hickies all over my neck that i remember the crazy sex my so and i had the night before. i'm talking 4 rounds of hardcore bondage with squirting and just buckets of cum and/or other bodily fluids that took two full-sized bath towels to clean up. one of which i'd left on the floor of my bedroom just in case we woke up from our sex stupor and continued where we left off.
and that was when i realized the kitten was crusty and reeked of sex...
needless to say, the second bath was much more difficult. stuffing a damp cum-covered cat back into a tub they just vacated is a life experience i could have lived without. now i'm going to attempt to stitch myself back together before i pass out from blood loss and then i get to explain to my so why i never want to hear "i want to cum all over your pussy" ever ever again.
Answer: | survived epic battle to give maine coon kitten a bath only to dry her off with a towel covered in sex juices. | 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: so i love having bbq's at my place and inviting some friends over for some great chats, drinks and board/card games.
i offered to make edibles for the weekend and it was universally agreed that the edibles i make taste awesome, but are a little bit weak as i don't like to overload anyone on their first time.
so i'm making edibles, mixing some vaped bud with coconut oil and i walk away to answer the phone, it's my best mate and we have a long chat about how awesome life is. after i finish the phone call, i have a celebratory joint and then watch the sunset. wonderful colours a+. go back inside, and continue cooking by adding the vaped bud to the coconut oil, start cooking enjoying my night.
the next day all my friends come over, we sit down to a veritable feast and i bring out the brownies. i take two because i have a higher tolerance and give everyone else one. we start with cards against humanity and exploding kittens, i'm starting to feel something and i look around the table.
whoops.. oh fuck.. what did i do...
all of my friends look like straight 8+, one is trying to sit up straight and is staring at me like i've shanked him in the shower.
"dude, what the fuck was in those brownies?". everyone is looking around at each other, agreeing that they were too high and still rising. i realised i had only minutes to try and rectify the situation before paranoia kicked in, so i brought everyone inside and gave everyone blankets. put finding nemo on the tv and hoped that it would be bright and colourful enough to be entertaining. grabbed my emergency kit, and handed out packets of wizz-fizz, chocolate and sugary drinks to everyone.
i sat watching all of them as everyone in the room watched the movie and slowly and visibly became space cadets. sweet dreams pupper, ground control to major tom. eventually that movie finished and i decided the only thing less stressful than nemo is monsters inc.
eventually people started to go to sleep, so i ushered each one to their own sleeping space, eventually each person was passed out in their respective beds.
i went back and looked at the recipe to see how badly i had fucked up. about 2 ounces of vaped bud potency in only 8 muffins. all of them recovered fine after a hearty breakfast of bacon, but i think i learned my lesson.
Solution: | don't smoke while cooking. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: i started off today with no shampoo. no big deal, i'll steal some of my wife's. then i go to grab my snow boots, and the laces are missing. okay, i'll wear my shoes. opened the door to get into my car to grab my snow brush, and snow falls into the window switches. it happens. clean off my car, and go to work. get there, and clean all the snow out of my switches.
while at work, some guy decided that he was going to drop a gallon of milk into the pharmacy. the gallon exploded, and soaked into our carpet tiles. awesome. i go to grab tiles to replace said carpet, and we only had two. there were at least 10 tiles saturated in milk to the concrete. so i decided to replace the most saturated tiles to at least hold of some of the rancid milk smell that will be there all week. managed to slice my knuckle open while removing the tile.
then i go into the back, and notice that the entire sink if full of water for no apparent reason. no one was using it, it just decided to fill itself up through the drain, and not leave. so we attempted to plunge it, and all that happened was a bunch of sediment came up, and it still wasn't draining. so we tried drain-o.
after about 20 minutes of drain-o, still nothing. so i start emptying it out with a bucket and bringing it outside. i got snow in my shoes. while i was doing this, one of the pharmacists decided to try to plunge it again, and was too forceful, sending grimy water and drain-o all over the place.
eventually the sink drained, and it was time to go home. i go to grab the snow brush from my car, and notice about 2 inches of snow in the back seat. when i was clearing the snow out of the switches, i put my window down and didn't notice. so that was fun.
while clearing the snow and ice off my car, my snow brush broke, so i got to go buy a new one at cvs.
Example Output: fuck today.
Example Input: Text: tifu (today i fucked up), the mother's day edition
this story takes place on mother's day roughly 20 years ago. i would have been about 8 years old.
i had a saturday baseball game. it was the first season we were old enough to start pitching the ball ourselves, and it was a very exciting time. every kid had dreams of being the next randy johnson and pitching 100+ mph fastballs. i had been practicing quite a bit with both of my parents in the hopes that i might be allowed to pitch in this game.
that morning, we had a little bit of downtime before the game started and i asked my mom if i could practice pitching with her. at the time, there were probably catcher's masks and gloves available but it was pretty normal for parents not to use them when practicing with us, so my mom was just using a normal baseball glove and no mask.
the first couple throws weren't too bad. a little wild but normal for a kid pitching that age. i was starting to feel warmed up and wanted to try out my fastball and really let it rip. as the ball left my fingertips i could tell i was right on target, it was heading straight toward her glove as she crouched low on the grass about 25-30 feet away from me. but when the ball reached her, instead of sinking into her glove with a satisfying thump the way it was supposed to, it tipped off the top edge of the glove which sent it straight into her face, unguarded by a catchers mask.
the ball hit her right in the lens of her sunglasses, popping it out (luckily not shattering it) and as it hit her, the lens sliced deep into her eyebrow. immediately she put the glove up to her face and i knew i'd messed up bigtime. as she stood up i could see blood pouring out of the glove. little 8 year old me thought i'd killed her. i was pulled aside as my dad and others rushed over to assess the injury. people kept telling me she was ok but i could see there was a ton of blood.
tra-la-la, frantic trip to the er ensues. turns out the glass cut her pretty bad, and she needed 13 stitches. the lucky part was that the majority of the cut was in her eyebrow and that would serve to hide the scar well when it healed. she was left with a pretty bad black eye and a lot of swelling, more than a new pair of sunglasses could hide, but she was ok, possibly better off than if the ball had just beamed her straight on without the lens to take some of the impact.
still, pretty much the worst mother's day present ever.
i felt horrible about it for weeks afterwards, but i remember the absolute worst part was walking into church as a family the next day. even with the sunglasses on everyone could tell she had a massive black eye, and every single person we encountered seemed to automatically assume the worst right off the bat and glare at my father. i may have been only 8 years old, but i knew what they were all thinking. i felt terrible for both of them.
i'm not sure how to turn this into a nice mother's day message but i thought it was a story worth sharing. this certainly wasn't the worst thing i've put her through over the years but i figure any mom who can take all of that is a good one. my mother is a brave, inspiring, talented, and creative lady, and i'm incredibly blessed to have her.
thanks mom, and after all these years, i'm still really sorry about that baseball, and everything else.
Example Output: 8 year old me hits my mom in the face with a baseball on mother's day and sends her to the er for 13 stitches and a black eye. everyone at church sees it and assumes my dad hit her.
Example Input: Text: so i was messing around in study hall after school with photoshop, and i found all the yearbook photos. i thought it would be funny if i messed around with them (not saving of course), but i somehow clicked a button and deleted it when i meant to go back to the file before it. i started panicking and laughing, but i knew it was serious. i texted my friend, and it turned out somehow he had every photo saved on his computer, so i got lucky. i have no clue how i will get those onto the network at school though. the worst part is that graphic arts is trying to work on the yearbook photo, and i am not even in that class, so it makes the situation even weirder. i told a few people and they were shocked, and who would blame them, i deleted every individual yearbook photo from the network.
edit: today i succesfully downloaded and put in the backup without my teacher noticing! i needed to finish some hw before my next classand my teacher let me (i have temporary graphic arts so this was the teacher i was trying to keep the secret from), and right after i logged my email in and downloaded the drive folder and put it in the right place. i was so lucky.
Example Output: | deleted all personal yearbook photos from the school network, don't know what to do exactly.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: a minor tifu, happened 14 hours ago.
i am a middle aged dude. i was staying in a hotel for work (i work as a financial controller in an it company). the previous evening i packed my bag with what i thought was a tube of toothpaste.
in the hotel before going to sleep (right after you know... i was alone in my room with nothing much to do with a laptop and free hotel wifi) i get the tube and put the white cream on my toothbrush. so far so good, i put the brush in my mouth and start scrubbing. i taste the "toothpaste" because something is off. i look at the tube and see it is sunscreen -_-
the next morning i told my wife and she got a good laugh out of it.
Solution: | i brushed my teeth with sunscreen. | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[Q]: Text: so yesterday we had a family bbq to celebrate mothers day and we were having a good time...so one of my uncles suggest all the men in the family get together and play some football... well being that the women of the family were there none of us were gonna pussy out so every man that was able volunteered, and we treked out into the open field next to my aunt house. the rules were it was full contact football, no crying, and no bias because you might hit your son of nephew. so my two uncles...who are also brothers, become the captains of both teams. so i get chosen for my...lets call him uncle a...team, and my other uncle...let's call him b...gets pissed because i'm one of the strongest out of my generation of kids. so b tell his son to try to take me out the game (i found this out later), yeah b is a competitive motherfucker. so i'm chosen to be the wide receiver and my cousin is the corner...so on the first play we run a shotgun pass...and i take off and run my route and my cousin is right beside me he turns **elbows me in fucking face**....and knocks me down...so here i am nose busted and my cousin says "watch where you going bitch" i. am. pissed. so i get back up with a fountain of blood coming out of me...and my uncle saw what happened and runs a run play so i can get my hands on my cousin... so we line up...my face probably resembles nine-tails naruto who just ate a lot of cherry pie, and as soon as he says hut i explode off the line. my cousin being the little bitch that he is sees this and runs away...now i'm more pissed because i gotta chase this fucker. we get to about where the 40 yard sideline would be and i'm about to sack the shit out of him and he jukes away...and suddenly my 16 year old cousin appears in front of me and behind her is a tree, i couldn't stop my speed...and i sandwich her between me and the tree, i heard the crack of six broken ribs and fractured vertebrae and a concussion as both of us bounced off the tree. and i heard a thump then and yelp, i got up and looked over to where the sounds came from...and my grandmother was holding her head....my cousins phone flew out of her hand and hit my grandmother in the head. so my mom and aunts are pissed at all the men for playing football and hurting my grandmother, my uncle b is pissed for putting his daughter in the hospital, and my uncle a is proud of me for pissing his brother off...and i still didn't beat me cousin ass...
[A]: played football with the family, and ended up hitting my cousin with a x-ray move and possibly ruining her high school everything and my grandmother forehead took a hit from a flying phone.
[Q]: Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
[A]: i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
[Q]: Text: today in court, i was sitting by my defence attorney (crime isn't important and i'm innocent anyway) while the crown prosecutor question a witness.
the crown said "we assume that from the statement in which she gave orally"
the elderly judge asked her "repeat that last part please"
to which the crown said loudly "in which she gave orally"
i couldn't resist, i turned around in my seat to look at my brothers and my so and said louder then i meant "giggity".
i then turned back around to see everyone (including the judge and my own lawyer) staring at me with contempt.
[A]: | said giggity in a very serious setting to a comment only i took as dirty.
| 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
instruction:
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
question:
Text: my buddy asked me to look after his dogs for a week while he was out of town.
he had originally asked his younger cousin to watch the dogs but she was only able to do it for the first week. so i agreed to watch the dogs on the second week he was gone.
____________________
on the first day of my dog-sitting duties i decided i'd go in early before work so i could feed the dogs and take them for a wall. i show up to his house around 7:00am.
once i get inside his place i thought it would be funny to send him a picture of my hand holding a big ass knife with his sleeping dogs in the background along with a text reading "$1,000,000 or the pups get it."
after the photo is sent i spun around with the intentions of returning the knife to its rightful spot in the kitchen. however, instead i, a 6 foot tall 275+ pound bearded male, was shocked to see another person standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room; his tiny 17 year old female cousin, who had stayed the night.
while her face may have had a blank expression her eyes were filled to the brink with tears, which said all it needed to say about her interpretation of the scene. of course, all i could muster out was "you're not suppose to be here" and that did not help defuse the situation. pretty much the seconds those word left my mouth my dumb ass finally concluded "oh fuck, i've done goofed." she remained petrified.
luckily for me, her deer-in-the-headlights reaction to an intruder gave me enough time to explain i was here to take the dogs for a walk. the knife was more difficult to explain but i powered through. after taking a lot of deep breathes she was able to calm down.
when i got back in my vehicle i checked my phone and saw i had a message from my friend. it read word for word...
"umm you dont have to be there until tomorrow"
__________
answer:
escalated a ransom attempt to home invasion**
question:
Text: technically, this happened about three months ago, but i remembered it, and decided it needed to be posted here.
for context, i was having a day out with my dad, and he decided to treat me to some fast food for dinner. he didn't want anything, so i decided i could order to go, and hopped out of the passenger seat and went inside while my dad went to go park nearby.
after i ordered my food, i saw a honda accord, same model and color as my dad's, and headed over. i put the drink i ordered onto the roof of the car, and yanked the passenger door open.
i immediately noticed the different seat covers, and then looked up into the car seeing the face of true fear on an old man who was not *my* old man.
i'd already swung my leg into the car, and i immediately leaped back, and began to apologize profusely to this poor gentleman who probably thought he was getting carjacked by a punk (i regret my choice of clothes that day...).
the driver was super nice, and told me it was an honest mistake, and told me my family had a nice taste in cars.
what makes me feel even more like an idiot is the fact my dad had literally parked his car a space away, and i never saw it.
answer:
accidentally near-carjacked a nice old man.
question:
Text: ok, this is fu number 1 of four that i plan on posting over the next few whatever.
so this happened back in, oh let's just say the mid 1980's. at the time, i was a cadet at the united states military academy, better known as west point. i was a computer science major and a little curious about how things worked on the systems i had access to. at the time, they were just rolling out a program to put pcs on the cadets' desks. i think they were ibm pc jrs running windows 2.0 or something. only a few of them were even networked at first. i was a comp sci major, so i had one of those and so i discovered this awesome thing: email. yeah, i could only send emails to my fellow comp sci majors, but it saved tons of time on group programming projects so i loved it.
but big problem: the user interface we had sucked. it was slow and clunky and made life hell if you wanted to do anything other than just open/read/reply. but i was a comp sci major and a pretty good programmer so i thought "hey, should just write my own user interface." and that's what i did. one of the first features i implemented, not even as part of the ui, was the ability to dump all of your emails out to a single file. it basically had just one input parameter: the location of your email folder on the server. it would open up that folder, read every file of the proper type and content (nothing was encrypted in those days) it could find, and then write them all to another local file. it was recursive too, meaning it could go in to sub-folders of the folder you pointed it at, and then to sub-folders of the sub-folders, and sub-folders of the sub-folders of the sub-folders... etc. ad inf.
piece of cake. it worked almost perfect the first time it ran. almost. unfortunately, i messed up the folder name and pointed it toward the folder with all the users' email folders. all the users' email folders. now in a properly configured email server that wouldn't have been a big deal. i wouldn't have had access to folders that weren't my own. but this was the beginning of the email era and people didn't understand file and folder permissions, especially on unix systems like the one that ran our email. so instead of erroring out, the program recursed through every single user's mail folder.
when the output file my program created looked kinda bigger than i expected, i started paging through it. and the weird thing was- it seemed like it was all other cadets' emails. i eventually noticed the pattern and saw that it was alphabetically by user name. i searched for, and found, my own email tucked in between two cadets with adjacent last names to mine. i wasn't interested in snooping, and at that time people weren't pouring their lives and souls into electronic format anyway. so no juicy confessions, no nude selfies (it was mostly dudes anyway), nothing salacious. it was just mundane everyday classroom stuff.
except for one rather large volume of emails that were addressed to "superintendent." (the "@" sign wasn't in use back then. it was just a private email server.) and then another set for "commandant." and then others with last/first names or job titles of various other high-ranking officers at the academy. fuuuuuck. i had just aggregated all the emails of the fucking military overlords of west point. by accident.
i had a couple of options at this point. the obvious one was to just delete the file, correct my program, and pretend nothing had ever happened. the problem with that was that it left the vulnerability in the system wide open. granted, it was unlikely that one of my fellow comp sci geeks would do anything malicious, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do. the other option was to 'fess up and tell the full-bird colonel who ran the comp sci department's computer systems about it. it was a dice roll. either he'd congratulate me on my cleverly sussing out a system vulnerability, or he'd run his size-12 combat boot up my ass for poking around in his server's guts. i put it at 2/3s chance i'd have his boot up my ass. but west point spends literally millions of dollars drumming "choose the harder right over the easier wrong" into its cadet's heads, so i did what i was supposed to do.
and i got the boot up my ass.
the colonel yelled at me for a good fifteen minutes straight, calling me every nasty word in his vocabulary. i was a hacker. i was deliberately trying to cheat by reading professors' emails. i was illegally accessing sensitive information. i should be thrown out of the academy. i should be thrown into military prison. i was trying to bring the email server down. i was trying to disrupt the operations of the academy. the only thing i was allowed to respond with, by academy tradition, was "no excuse, sir!" until he *asked* for an explanation, all i could do was accept his "constructive criticism" with military decorum. he did finally cool down enough to listen to me explain exactly what had occurred, but even his grudging admission that the server was configured incorrectly did not get me out of trouble.
instead, i was written up and spent another very uncomfortable hour attempting to explain how email and computers and unix shell scripts worked to my company tactical officer, a regular army captain whose job it was to ride herd on a company of cadets. but his degree was in english fucking lit or some such, and he had practically never touched a computer in his life. so none of it made a lick of sense to him. and he never liked me anyway so it was a perfect excuse to assign me a nice big chunk of punishment tours (40, which is a lot). which is why, for the next many weekends, i found my self walking back and forth in "central square" (our version of a quad) in dress gray uniform with a rifle at shoulder arms for hours at a time.
answer:
| accidentally created a file with every email on the email server at my college, which happened to be the united states military academy (west point). realized my mistake & had to report the vulnerability to the colonel who ran the comp sci dept. got in big trouble. punishment was walking the square for 40 hours over the course of several weekends.
| 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: back in elementary school, we began learning french in the fourth grade. every day we would practice reading simple stories in french so we could learn to form the sounds used in french speaking. i was part of a pretty seedy school, where most kids wouldn't do well in most subjects. one day our teacher freaked out on us because the majority of the class was not listening and being disruptive while we were reading. trying to do the best i could in my classes, i asked my female french teacher "can i read more?". my french teacher is hard of hearing and after dropping her jaw and looking stunned, screams at me to leave the class. i wait in the hall, and she grabs me by the arm and drags me to the office. along the way she tells me that she has never been so offended and that i should be ashamed for what i said in the classroom (she's in tears at this point). beyond confused, i ask what i said that upset her, to which she tells me that i know very well what i said and should be disgusted with myself. we arrive at the office and she speaks with the principal, then sends me in. he calls my mom while i'm in his office, and asks me where i learned those words. confused, i say i have no idea what's going. he looks at me and says "if your teacher has an issue with her class, she deals with it as needed be, but you will never, ever, refer to her as a 'stupid whore' again, is that clear? your mother and i will discuss suspension in a moment." before he even finishes his response, i'm laughing hysterically on the floor. about two hours of screaming at me, and laughing at him later, i explain to him that she misheard me and i just asked if i could read more.
Student: | half deaf french teacher mistakes me saying "can i read more?" for "you stupid whore!" and has a breakdown, sending me into a laughing fit in front of the principal and my mother on the phone. | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Let me give you an example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
The answer to this example can be: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Here is why: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
OK. solve this:
Text: as most tifus go, this one wasn't from today, but at least five or so months ago. it started out with me just wanting to get some housework done on my day off, and like most people being stoned while doing housework makes it ten times better. so i proceed to do just that. after lighting up, i bring my laundry to the laundry room that we share with about 6 other units and start putting everything into the washer. i have a lot of laundry to do, and against my better judgment i try to fit it all into the washer, convincing myself that doing it all in one load was a good idea. in the back of my mind i considered the possibility that i overfilled it, but i told myself i was being paranoid. i start the load and head back upstairs to my apartment to do some more chores.
a while later i go to check on the laundry, and it apparently had stopped. i figured it was finished, so i opened the lid to load the dryer. to my surprise, it was not finished, but still full of water and not moving. my first thought was that i burnt out the motor, and i panicked as i tried to get it started. i stood there in shock, still blazed, trying to figure out how i was going to tell my landlord that i broke the washer because i was too lazy and cheap to do two loads instead of one.
i figured my only option was to try to fix it on my own at first, and that telling my landlord was the absolute last resort, as i really didn't want to have that conversation high. suddenly i have an idea, and i start digging the biggest items out of the washer--the towels, and such--and try to start it. luckily, it started again, and all i had to do was clean up the mess i made from the sopping wet towels.
Answer: | : overloaded community washer while high and almost broke it. | 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: first post and obligatory this didn't happen today....
about 10 years ago when i was in secondary school (high school for our american friends) i worked with a builder to make money for myself. it was a great job and i really enjoyed it. one fine saturday morning i turned up for work in a ridiculously hungover state. i was at a party for a friend of mine the night before and was absolutely wasted. in hindsight i probably shouldn't have gone into work but i didn't want to seem like a lazy slacker so got up and showed up. that day we were working in an old monastery where we were renovating certain parts of it.
my boss could tell straight away that i was very hungover and wasn't going to be of much use for the day. he's a very sound guy though and just gave me some very easy jobs to do. after about 2 hours he called me over to him and asked me to get a rusty old nut and bolt out of a roof-tile because he needed it. i looked at him and thought "jesus i know i'm hungover but this is pretty fucking basic".
anyway being the stupid, hungover fool that i was i walked outside with the roof-tile in my hand and smashed it off the ground. pleased with myself i picked up the rusty nut and bolt and brought it back to my boss. i showed it to him proudly but wondered at the look of confusion on his face. he then asked me how i had managed to get the nut and bolt out as he himself had been unable to open them up even with his tools. i said sure it was easy when i broke the roof-tile. then his face dropped. turns out.... yes you guessed it.... he wanted the roof-tile and not the redundant nut and bolt. in fact it was one of the original roof-tiles from the monastery (which was a protected historical structure). my hangover suddenly vanished when he explained that there were very few places in the world that made these and i was going to have to pay for the expensive replacement! i never showed up drunk to work after that day, just got lazy and took the day off!!
**
hungover people can't even follow the most basic commands**
Text: this happened a few hours ago. i live in new delhi, india and every once in awhile, i place orders online for wooden products on a website that belongs to company located in texas. due to complications in delivery, i had to make the payment over the phone today instead of on the website. after placing the order, i thought i would make small talk with the very helpful saleswoman, so i ask her if people in texas can “feel the bern”. for the longest while she doesn’t answer, and i’m wondering if she just doesn’t like the guy. i’m also wondering if she can’t understand my accent, but she didn’t have any problem up until then. she tells me that she has no clue what i am talking about. i tell her that i get most of my news about the united states from reddit, and bernie sanders seems to be really popular over there. she has no clue what i’m talking about again – apparently she hasn’t heard of the website. she says that ”we have google over here.” i try spelling reddit for her and mumble “bernie sanders” a couple of times, growing uncomfortable and nervous the whole time, before i hurriedly thank her and put down the phone.
asked american saleswoman if she could #feelthebern. find out that not everyone in the us knows about bernie sanders. also find out that not everyone in the us knows about reddit.
Text: as with so many of these, it actually didn't happen today, but about 2 months ago.
my wife really likes pies - i mean, who doesn't? - and so she got a brilliant idea to throw a pie party, where everybody had to bring a pie. we invited friends and their kids, and they all had to bring 2 pies each. some were going to bring savory, some sweet.
i'm the baker in the house, so i decided to make 2 pies: a coconut meringue pie, and a pecan pie. i hate making crust so i decided to just buy it pre-made at the supermarket.
one family has a kid who can't eat gluten, so i made sure to pick up a gluten-free crust for the meringue pie. for the other i just bought your standard pillsbury deep-dish variety.
i really wanted to make sure the gluten-free kid had a good time and didn't feel left out - so i made sure the meringue pie recipe wouldn't harm him - did research, picked out the appropriate recipe - really tried my hardest.
fast forward to party day: everybody's eating pie, having a great time, complimenting each other. the gluten-free kid's mom is complimenting me on both pies, and she asks what made the crust so flaky and good? so i go over to the freezer, pull out the bag with the other crust, read the ingredients and say "oh - it's probably the lard..."
i look over at her and her face is in total shock - it then came to me: in my intense focus on her kid being gluten-free, i forgot they're devout muslim, meaning they can't eat pig. i started blabbering apologies over and over...she said "it's ok...don't worry about it" but she still looked pretty grossed out.
i still felt horrible and couldn't stop apologizing for the next hour...and i still think about it today - how i made a whole family of muslims do something completely unholy.
| made a pie with a lard crust - fed it to muslim family and then told them after the fact.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
PROBLEM: Text: this is my first tifu post, and it happened about 10 years ago.
my roommates and i had just moved into a new place after being kicked out of our old one (i don't know why anyone in their right mind would give a bunch of 18 year olds an apartment). since we were technically homeless for like a week, sleeping on couches and stuff, we were excited to have a roof over our heads. so, we moved all our stuff into this house before we got the power turned on.
this was the middle of winter, so we borrowed a space heater from my grandpa. a kerosene heater. and we all cozied up in one of the bedrooms with the heater on and the door shut.
we were enjoying ourselves, despite being creeped out by the new house. at one point, no shit, the bedroom door flew open by itself. we all freaked the fuck out and scrambled into the corner as far away from it as possible. so, great, just moved into a haunted house. awesome.
if it was haunted, the ghost was trying to help though, as you'll soon find out. after recovering from the miniature heart attack i had, one of us worked up the courage to close the door. snuggled back up in bed trying to stay warm, drinking a little whiskey, feeling like a real adult (lol)
and then, suddenly everything just felt...good. like, i didn't want to move from where i was laying. my eyes started feeling really heavy and i had the overwhelming urge to just sleep. my brain was telling me that this is where i was supposed to be. just close your eyes, relax. just let yourself slip away. i asked one of my roommates how they felt and they said "soooo goood..." in a sleepy, almost drunken voice.
right before drifting off to sleep, i had a sudden realization. holy shit. the kerosene heater. the unnatural overwhelming urge to sleep. we were fucking dying! i jumped up and opened a window. as soon as the fresh air hit me everything felt a little less fuzzy. i was suddenly wide awake. my roommates sat up and asked what i was doing and i explained that because we were all total dumbasses, i was opening some windows so we didn't die in our sleep.
needless to say, i was still a little worried about falling asleep that night. the next day our girlfriends came over and we told them what happened. they were super upset. my gf said she couldn't stop thinking about coming over to visit us in our new house for the first time and just finding our dead bodies all cuddled up in bed together. needless to say, i felt like a real ass. however, if shit gets really bad and i ever need a way out, carbon monoxide poisoning seems like a pretty nice way to go.
SOLUTION: moved into a new house with no power, brought a kerosene heater into a room with no ventilation. almost accepted the sweet embrace of death.
PROBLEM: Text: tifu in the most wrong way imaginable.
it all started with me and a friend coming to another's friends place (and another town, a pretty big one too) to celebrate nye.
we got us tickets for a "themed" , or so it was called on it's internet site, club - bar.
we set out to celebrate , aiming to get drunk and have fun , not knowing what we really had in store.
from the beginning the whole place seemed off ... something wasn't right.the people seemed odd,the music that met us wasn't what we expected it to be and it all seemed out of place.
throughout the night , we had gotten small leads to what was going on, but we couldn't put our finger on it.
it got worse when we noticed people , that were obviously gay (we didn't mind it ,it was just strange, hearing that the club was once a gay club.).the feeling persisted when one guy , clearly under the influence of narcotics succumbed to the ecstasy the jazzy music provided for him and took off his t-shirt, while another 6 or more evidently gay men were settling in.
it was then that we noticed the bartender was also gay , and the 4 people , 2 girls and 2 guys seated next to us were gay.
we went down to order some booze and returning back , my friend asked the older gentleman that sat next to us enjoying his drink, if this was a gay bar.
you guessed it , he confirmed our suspicions.
it turned out the place was indeed, a gay club, and we were apparently , the only straight people there.
we don't mind gay people,it's just not what we had in mind for new year's eve, hoping to meet some girls , do a little dancing , etc.to continue , we left shortly , just 5 minutes left to midnight.we spent 2 hours wandering aimlessly ,trying to fathom what had just happened.
we lost time,plans and hope for the evening.
the night's redemption came in the form of a cab driver , that we employed to drive us home.
while searching for the cab, a lovely girl tried to catch a ride with us ,as her place was near where we were going.it worked an off we were.
during the drive, we told her and the driver what the night had in store for us and what we went trough and they shared their own experiences with us.
SOLUTION: tifu by accidentally going to a gay club without realizing it and foiling the plans for the entire evening.
PROBLEM: Text: i was a pretty active reader as a kid because i genuinely liked it when i was learning it and not treating it like a chore. i was reading a couple grades ahead of me ex: the gone series in 3rd grade. i read the hunger games before it became popular, partially because of my reading level, and partially because not many people had heard of it yet. i found it through the author as i loved her gregor series. main story: 6th grade, english class, i had long finished the hunger games books and moved onto other things. however, it appeared that a couple of girls were catching onto it and i was forced into a book group with a bunch of them (6th grade so i was still kinda "eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww girls") i immediately sit down and they have already decided that they were going to do the hunger games. i figured that with the rate i had read the book before prior they would finish in about a week or 2. boy, was i wrong. i wait 2 weeks before contributing (under the clause of "i've already read the book") and sit down, ready to discuss. i wait for an opening and ask a major spoiler (not going to write the actual thing, but harpooned is how to describe the event). the girls look at me like i was a space alien. turns out that they were reading only the half chapter a day that we did in class under instruction by my english teacher. immediately they accuse me of reading ahead with the intention to spoil, and report me to my english teacher. turns out that little me, who often read more than listened in class, had been placed in a low reading group because of the loss of my reading test score. turns out i had stuffed it in my bag. the english teacher asks me if i read ahead and i say "no, i read the book a while ago" teacher raises an eyebrow and gives me the test again in private. turns out i am more than qualified for the best group and could probably just do my own thing but i decided to hang out with some friends in the best group. the real fu happens when i realize the girls now not only seem to think i took advantage of them to advance but also for the spoiler. to this day they act salty to me and probably due to them being hyper popular and eventually dating the hyper-popular boys they were destined to date, i was socially kicked off the ladder. took me the rest of middle school and sports to rebuild my rep and in the end, i went to a different school than them afterward, so i'm fine now. but still, those girls and their friends want nothing to do with me.
SOLUTION: | spoiled hunger games, ticked off the irl equivalent to the plastics.
| 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: so i made a throwaway because the girl uses reddit and knows my account. so as usual this didn't happen today but a year ago and i just remembered this today. this is my first tifu so excuse me if this isn't great.
so to give a little backstory, i was in my last year of highschool at the time and finally grew the balls to ask the girl i liked to go to the movies. let's call this girl pasta. i knew pasta since 4th grade and was good friends with her till now but grew feelings for her senior year. so i made clear to her when i asked her this wasn't as friends but a real date and she seemed very excited and i was pumped.
i pick her up from her house and she just looks absolutely stunning . she made my shit box car smell like a field of flowers and it was just awesome. so we get to the movies buy our tickets and get to the concession (i think that's how you spell it ) stand and ask pasta if she wants popcorn in which she replies no but i get a small for myself anyway ( this will be important later ) . we get to the movie and we are like 40 minutes into the movie and i grow a pair again and put my arm around her and then she leans on me, we start making out and she whispers in my ear something amongst the lines of having sex after the movie. a bit later i decide getting a handful of popcorn with my free hand and pasta says , " know what i'll have some!" and she grabs a handful herself . 10 minutes later she says her stomach isn't settling right and goes to the bathroom. she comes back another 10 minutes later and she looks awful. she says she threw up from the popcorn and felt like shit, so we drive home and ask if she is still up for the nasty to which she replies " are you kidding me?" and slams my door. we didn't talk for a week after and she was really mad at me for a while , which i'm not very surprised . never got that poon which sucks but we are still friends and are going on a date this friday which reminded me of this story. if i fuck up again i will post an update friday.
edit- add to the tl;dr , also am a very insensitive asshole. but if i fuck up again i'll post another, if not it went well :)
[EX A]: i got cockblocked by popcorn.
[EX Q]: Text: so there i was, sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching tv, when all of a sudden my phone rings. now anyone that knows me knows i don't answer my phone unless i know the number, but i am working today and thought maybe it was someone from work. so i answer the phone and hear a little girl say "daddy?" i pause for a minute and say "no". the kid then proceeds to tell me she is having a great day and can't wait to see me tonight. i try very hard to interrupt, but she just keeps talking and talking, so i sit quietly waiting for my chance to respond. finally she says "daddy, what's my social security number?" it all happened so fast, i didn't know what to say, so i blurted out "i don't know." there is a sudden moment of anger on her end "well, why don't you know?" she asked. "because i'm not your real dad and you aren't my real daughter." i suddenly realized i probably shouldn't have said it that way, because she burst into tears, sobbing about being adopted. i quietly ended the call...well, damn. another day, another ruined childhood.
[EX A]: answered my phone and told a little girl i wasn't her dad, ruining her life.
[EX Q]: Text: today i gave my new maine coon her first bath, as apparently it's best to get them used to it in case they get stinky later on. all that fur and whatnot.
the battle was tremendous, as arya did not let the fact that she's only 9 weeks and about 4 pounds stop her from ripping into my flesh like a legion of the undead. the noise was otherworldy, as if someone was skinning small infants before dipping them into vats of salt water to make an orchestra of wailing. blood and fur flew all over the bathroom, soap got into cuts and kitten eyes alike, but finally she was clean.
i struggled to get the soaking wad of fur from the bathroom into my room so my roommate didn't have to deal with the racket any longer. not paying any attention to anything but my decimated forearms, i picked a towel up off the floor and dried the spastic feline as quickly as i could before depositing her on the bed so i could tend to my wounds.
it's only after i peered into the mirror and saw hickies all over my neck that i remember the crazy sex my so and i had the night before. i'm talking 4 rounds of hardcore bondage with squirting and just buckets of cum and/or other bodily fluids that took two full-sized bath towels to clean up. one of which i'd left on the floor of my bedroom just in case we woke up from our sex stupor and continued where we left off.
and that was when i realized the kitten was crusty and reeked of sex...
needless to say, the second bath was much more difficult. stuffing a damp cum-covered cat back into a tub they just vacated is a life experience i could have lived without. now i'm going to attempt to stitch myself back together before i pass out from blood loss and then i get to explain to my so why i never want to hear "i want to cum all over your pussy" ever ever again.
[EX A]: | survived epic battle to give maine coon kitten a bath only to dry her off with a towel covered in sex juices.
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: i work out on and off, and i've recently started back up again. i usually do calisthenics in my office, and run/bike/skate outdoors on the weekend. today, i decided to stop making excuses and really give it my all. i kicked my two dogs out of the room, threw on some pandora, and went at it. fast forward to the end of the workout, and i turn the music down and let the dogs back in. i sit down in my chair and drink some water, then decide that i will cool down and stretch a bit. i get on the ground on my knees, and out of nowhere one of my dogs, concerned with my physical state, accidentally headbutts me in the face and busts my lip. i get up, trying not to let the blood drip all over the carpet, and rush to the bathroom. the scent of blood must have made my other dog concerned, because he rushed over to make sure i was okay. would be fine, except i'm frantically trying to get to the bathroom. so i trip over him and land on my freshly fucked up face. i eventually gathered myself and got to the bathroom. i'm now typing this with gauze under my lip to absorb a disturbing amount of blood, with both dogs licking me to make sure i'm okay.
Output: upset at me locking them out of the room to work out, my dogs tried to murder me.
Input: Consider Input: Text: hello redditors!
well this story didn't happen today, not yesterday, but it happened about 8 years ago.
just to give you a little background about me. my name is dylan, i'm 22 years old and i live on the beautiful island of malta. i would also like to apologize on behalf of my vocabulary, punctuation, spelling mistakes & structure formation. this is my first time writing on reddit. hell this is my first time in a long time since i practiced writing, but enough about me and lets get into the story.
i was 14 at the time and my parents were invited to attend a wedding. i had just started to earn the trust of my parents. it was a very rare occasion to be left alone at home. i mean, my parents had it coming right? so without any hesitation i decided to throw a house party.
called up my best friend brian and told him everything i had been planning. i continued to invite 4 other close friends of mine, - bogart, charlie, tom & eric.
we were all too much excited about this party. we had started preparing from weeks before. you see, we had never been to a house party, let alone host one. the day had arrived. brian and i started doing preparations for the party. we went to a local bar and bought a pack of pint plastic glasses, orange and pineapple juice, 3 packs of cigarettes, some snacks and a 75 cl bottle of j&b and a 75 cl bottle of smirnoff vodka (at that time the drinking age was 16 years old. no one asks for i.d. here in malta, no one gives a fuck really). now, keep in mind that none of us had ever really drank alcohol before, apart from the occasional beer that we used to split between god knows how many people and a few sips of cheap cooking wine.
brian, bogart and i are neighbors. we literally live a few seconds from each other. charlie, tom & eric lived about 20 mins from my village, so they had their parents dropping them off at my house. we all agreed to tell our parents that we would be meeting at my house and that we were going to watch a movie at a cinema, which is about a 30 minute walk from my home.
the clock struck 8 p.m. and my parents were gone!
my friends started arriving one by one. i put on an mp3 cd i burnt into my hi-fi stereo, it was some 8-bit music, played by henry homesweet if i remember correctly. i remember it was bad-ass at that time because it resembled something out of my gameboy's music. i started pouring about a quarter vodka in each glass, mixing it with orange or pineapple juice. we toasted the drinks and i yelled "the last one to down this glass is gay!". now, looking back, iv'e gotta say bogart really took that to heart. he downed that pint of vodka in mere seconds, with everyone following afterwards. big surprise, i downed it last. i still get nauseous by that horrible taste of vodka.
straight away we started to get drunk. one glass would of made that night epic for all the right reasons, not for the wrong ones. we chatted a bit, laughed and pulled some pranks on each other, whilst sipping on another pint of vodka pineapple. we proceeded to take the party to my parent's room (i don't know why). grabbed a pack of playing cards, started shuffling them and we started playing poker. well, some card game that resembled poker at least. this is when shit stared hitting the fan. we had almost finished the vodka bottle, only a couple of shots left, so to make things interesting, anyone who lost a hand had to take a shot of vodka mixed with j&b whiskey (kids, don't). worst. idea. ever. we were all pretty drunk already. bogart got a really unlucky streak. he lost hand after hand after hand. oh my god i swear, iv'e never seen anyone drink as much as he did in the space of 10 minutes.
all pandemonium started breaking loose in my parents room. charlie spilled a whole bottle of orange juice on to my parents bed sheets, brian and tom laughing their asses off, eric was running through my parents drawers, i was too drunk to give a fuck and bogart was hopping on my parents bed like a 6 year old. all of a sudden we hear a big strange bang. bogart miss timed a jump and ended up landing on the back of his head on the wooden drawers. he was just out of it. don't think he remembers anything from that point on.
we really didn't know what had just happened, we didn't see him hit the back of his head, we just saw him on the floor dazed. he started slurring his words. "he's just really drunk" we said and continued with the party.
my parents had a secret stash of porn in their room and i started showing them to everyone. someone had the most brilliant idea of putting a porno in the dvd player for bogart to watch so he can start to sober up. i gave him a roll of toilet paper, put in the dvd and left him alone.
it had started to get late. we already had been drinking for about 2 hours or so, so we stopped drinking since some parents were going to pick some of my friends up in an hour or so. we smoked a couple of cigarettes and i decided to go check on bogart as he had been there for 15 mins or so. in fact, he was so quiet that we had totally forgot about him. as soon as i opened up the door i hear a loud smack. his head was standing in front of the door's path. the door vibrated with the ripple effect. he was unconscious. he couldn't talk, he couldn't walk. he was out of it. he was passed out like it was new years eve in 1919. a couple of seconds later, charlie opens the door while bogart was still laying on the floor. bang, the door hit him square on his head again with a bigger impact then the one before.
at that point, seeing the state he was in, lying on the floor naked, drooling out of his mouth, jizz on his torso.. we sobered up just by looking at him. it stated hitting me. it was getting late and he was still unconscious. what are we going to do?
so we carefully picked him up, which proved to be quite the challenge, we put him in the tub and started washing him with cold water just to try to wake him up. reality was starting to hit hard. we started panicking. he wasn't waking up, he just laid in tub motionless. eric started smacking him in the face, whilst letting his head hit the tub every time he slapped him. when all of a sudden, he opened his eyes and stood upright in the tub. we were jubilant. we started clapping, patting each other on the back, we even started chanting his name. the look on his face wasn't quite just right though. about 10 seconds after... he threw up on his bushy penis. closed his eyes and went unconscious again whilst hitting his head on the tub again as he leaned back.
about 5 minutes passed and bogart's phone stated ringing. it was his mum.
some useful background on his mum. we were all scared shitless of bogart's mum. i really don't know her that well to say anything bad about her, i'm sure anything she did she had her reasons for it, but i had seen a younger bogart get a couple of the loudest yells iv'e ever heard and quick beatings from her when he wasn't behaving. let me put it this way. she burnt all of his pokemon trading cards when we were younger just because she heard someone say that they were the devil's playing cards. he had a 1st edition charizard. she was mad in my books.
so, bogart's phone started ringing and we were in panic. what are we going to do? what are we going to say? i gave the phone to tom and told him to stick to the story. tell her we were at the cinema. this is how it went.
tom picks up phone - "hello?"
bogart's mum - "bogart? can i speak to bogart please"
tom - "well, bogart can't talk to you at the moment. we were at the cinema watching a movie. during the intermission (yes, we have intermissions in the middle of a movie in malta) he told us that he was going to buy a coke and some snacks. he said he would be right back. the movie finished and bogart never came back to his seat. we went looking around for him until we found him laying next to a garbage skip, unconscious. now we're at dylan's house.
bogart's mum - *bleep bleep bleep*. she hung up.
we just kept staring at tom. his improvisation just made this whole ordeal worse.
all shit started breaking loose. in a space of a minute, we hid all of the evidence. the alcohol, the cigarettes, cups. we washed bogart, no one wanted anything to do with his now hurly bushy penis, so we left that as that. we picked bogart up off from the tub and dressed him up. charlie and eric bailed out. they said each of their parent's had arrived (simultaneously), but we all know you guys were scared shitless!
to this day, i haven't seen a more dramatic scene then what was about to occur. much more drama then a martin scorsese movie.
we hear four loud knocks on the door. the door never had received such a banging. i went to open the door, whilst diarrhea oozing out of my shorts. as soon as i opened, she rushed in yelling "where is bogart??". she ran through the house. found him in the bathroom just unconscious as he will ever be. she grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him up against the wall like it was nothing. "what did you do??" *slap in the face* "what did you take?" *harder slap in the face*. "what did he do? where did you find him??" we kept sticking to our stories and told her what tom had already said to her. she dragged bogart through the corridor, put him right next to the door, when bogart's father arrived.
the man was inflamed. his face all red, gnashing his teeth together. what a sight that was. one handed, he grabbed him by his shirt, pulled him up, he didn't need a wall to support his dead weight, and started smacking him all over the face.
bogart's dad in a devilish tone - "whaaaat did youu doooo??"
"answeeeeeeeeeeer meeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
bogart's mum - "nooo don't hurt him!!" (she had already slapped a tooth away)
after some more yelling, his dad picked him up and lifted him on to his shoulder, opened the door and his had rattled on the side of the solid wood door. all in total, he hit his head five times, not to mention all the slapping on his face. i thought to myself that it was finally over. once again i was sadly mistaken.
brian, tom and i started to clean up the house. we went and threw all of the alcohol, cups, juices & cigarettes in a field a few minutes away from my house. bogart left his wallet and phone behind so we went to give bogart's parents his stuff back, only to be greeted by blue flashing lights. bogart was getting stretchered into an ambulance and that is when we all realized that his condition could be worse then we had thought. it was really a heartbreaking site. neighbors gathering outside, his mum crying her eyes out and his dad is still in shock. brian went to give them his stuff back. they gave us this horrible stare like they were saying this is all your fault. suddenly, i was struck with this immeasurable amount of guilt.
tom decided to sleep over at brian's house and i went back to my house to finish cleaning up and get some sleep. it was about 1 am and my parents still haven't arrived back home yet. i was in bed but my thoughts warn't allowing me to sleep. i felt like my mind was going crazy from all the guilt and worry i was feeling at the moment. i hear the telephone ringing. i picked it up and it was the doctor examining bogart at the hospital. he told me to explain in detail what had happened. he obviously didn't buy it. he told me it would be near impossible to lift bogart for that distance. he knew what he was talking about because we found it hard to lift him from the tub, let alone lift him for a 30 minute walk from the cinema to my house. still, i kept to the story and he ended hanging up on me.
it was getting late and i managed to fall asleep, barely. even in my dreams all i saw was guilt. i woke up at about 8 am and i find my mother in the hall way. the first thing she said was what is this smell of alcohol in the house? i couldn't keep it in. i told everything that had happened the night before. better to tell her myself then to be told by someone else. my mum got all hysterical on my ass. very dramatic woman my mum. even remembering back i get agitated. my dad got woken up by my mum shouting at me. he seemed quite disappointed at me for not keeping my word about being left alone for a night. he seemed more disappointed by the fact that we woke him up at 8 am on a sunday though.
being born as a christian, i hadn't went to church in a few years. i called up brian and told him to meet me outside so that we can go to sunday mass. at that time i thought that maybe going to church would help in relieving me of this guilt i was still carrying.
desperately, i pull a 5 euro note from my broke-ass 14 year old pocket and put it in the collection plate to make things right with god again. haha.
just about as the mass was finishing, i get a call from my dad to meet up with him for a second. i got into the car and he explained to me that this stuff happens when you're young. that i needed to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. to not feel so shitty about my self for what happened to bogart. that he should of never drank that much in the first place. he told me "sounds to me you guys had a pretty solid night". from that moment, i was relieved of all my guilt. i had never been treated like that from my father. he realized that i was growing up and that he couldn't treat me as if i was a child anymore. from that point on, i had a different relationship with my dad, quite different from the earlier 14 years.
as for bogart, well.. i was told that he ended up in the hospital with a grade 3 concussion, alcohol intoxication and a tube coming out of his mouth and penis. in the end, he recovered safely within a day. brian got his internet connection disconnected as a request by bogart's mum. she said brian was a bad influence on bogart and she didn't want him to communicate with him anymore. his dad plugged in the internet connection back again after 2 hours. everyone else received a call from bogart's mother, telling everyone's parents what had happened the night before. i ended up getting away scott free cos i had already spilled my guts out.
hope i didn't bore you with this long story for whom ever managed to read all of this.
edit - wow. we made it to the front page guys with 2500+ upvotes !!! i would of never have imagined such a huge feedback. i love you all guys. for the positive comments, the negative ones and those that are just plain weird. thank you!!! some of you really lifted me up today. because of you guys, i now know that maybe i stumbled on a talent that i had gave up on. i'm my biggest critique and i don't belief in myself enough to have that role. i can't stress enough how much this feedback means to me. it truly makes me jubilant inside knowing that i made someone laugh today. but also try to learn from my mistakes so you wouldn't have to be in the same situation yourself. things could of ended much, much worse.
looks like i fucked up a bit. forgot to mention that all names used in the story were all fictional due to keep all people involved in the story anonymous. sorry if i misled anyone. i know how you all love bogart's name. i picked bogart just because i thought it would stand out.. and it did.
for all the haters, this story is 100% real. i wish that i was capable of writing a fiction story great as this.
a huge surge of comments are coming in. i can't keep up. i will reply to many of them when i get the chance.
i will be posting other crazy shit that happened to me on /r/tifu. so till next time redditors!
lets hear it one more time for bogart!
edit - thank you who ever gave me reddit gold. really appreciate it!!!
Output: threw a house party. 5-7 shots of vodka mixed with j&b, underage guest gets fucked up, penis vomit & concussions, ambulances & hospitals and a penis tube.
Input: Consider Input: Text: i own a small business, and was recently talking to a former employee who had left last year to pursue a career as a yoga teacher. she's a young woman in her mid-20s. i'm a 50ish male. she told me that she has been studying a form of massage/body treatment and that she needs to have a certain number of hours of clinical experience in order to continue her training at the next level.
she has been recruiting friends and family to be the subjects of her treatments, and is offering a sharply reduced rate because she’s still a student and can’t advertise yet.
i arranged to have an hour treatment with her, and we agreed on a time and the place. she suggested i wear loose shorts.
when i arrived, she brought me to a typical clinical massage room with a table draped in a sheet. she told me to hang my things up. i was surprised she stayed in the room while i undressed, but i’m not body conscious so i stripped to my shorts.
being used to having registered massage therapy while fully nude but under the sheet, i said, “so...shorts on?”
“whatever you’re comfortable with,” she said.
“i’m more comfortable without them, but i don’t want you to be creeped out. are you sure?”
“yeah,” she said. “go ahead.”
i dropped my shorts and picked them up, folding them to place them on a stool behind me. naked, i turned back to face her.
“oh my,” she said. “i didn’t think it would be that big!” and began touching...
ok, that last part isn’t true. after i turned back towards her, i found her looking stressed with her face turned up and away.
“i thought you had something under them!” she said. “put them back on!”
i did so, and apologized. i explained that i’ve been a social nudist for a long time and being naked in front of someone isn’t a big deal for me – that’s why i asked. we both laughed about it, and the rest of the session was fine. i discovered that part of what she does is to examine things like how i stand, bend over, etc while holding my feet – clearly, not the most comfortable thing for either of us if i was nude.
things are cool now – we’ve already booked a second session.
| Output: my former employee and i miscommunicated and i got nakie in her face.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: happened a couple years ago and hate myself every time i think about.
i was a typical nobody-matters-but-me kind of teenager and was in the same boring lunch line at school when i see a lunch lady grabbing a giant fucking platter of the greasiest saltiest most mouthwatering potato wonderfucks. my mind instantly tells my body to track down my pray and devour it. but sense i wasn't in the line where the plate was going i had to get behind some of my other equally snobby peers to get to it. not that bad. the only problem is that the people in from of my are the largest people i have ever seen in my life. the type of person that gets $7 school lunches a day by buying extra crap. there were three if i recall correctly and they each got the same amount of fries. a shitload. after the second is done another kid enters the line eye balling the fries. this kid looks like the most ginger person ever. freckles everywhere and hair the color of fire. he also is a kid who i see almost daily in the "special" class. (my class at the time was right next to it) after the final fatass is done shoveling french fries all over his tray, i see there is one more normal sized portion of french fries. in the moment of debating whether i should do the right thing and let the other kid get some or if i should get them i don't notice the fries the three bulky gluttons collectively threw all over the floor. my shoulder devil murders my shoulder angel in cold blood and i go for the fries. i walk away got in line to pay. i then forget i needed to get a milk and turned around to see the kid on the ground crying while picking up some of the floor fries and trying to eat them. he can't even get those because the teacher helping him get his lunch stopped him. i feel some bad i tell him i will give him my fries. i see his face light up so happily i am blinded my his pale skin and somehow whiter teeth. he is so happy he is doing a little dance. i start to walk towards his with my fries and don't notice those pesky fries on the ground. i chuckle a little and say "here you go" as i proceed to slip on the puddle of grease made by those fries and basically tackle the kid. knocking him over created a domino effect hitting the teacher or tried to catch herself on that hail that holds up trays. her hand accidentally flips over the kids tray knocking it all onto him. my tray's food items were all over his chest. my milk exploded into a horrible chocolate mess drenching both of our shirts. the tray that was his puts a pizza slice right onto his face and carrot everywhere. trying to get a grasp of the situation i get up and proceed to step on this poor poor kids hand. the shoes i had on were big so his hand was completely stepped upon. i jump back after hearing that familiar cry watch in sadness as he tries to pick up a soggy chocolate french fry and eat it. only to get that slapped out of his hands. i walk away as he is sobbing and pass all my friends trying to ask what had happened. a friend i still know remembered that day and told me that the only word i would say was "nope" over and over again. i pass them and go to my science teacher in her room and ask for a towel. she gave me one while i waited in her room for lunch to be over. i told her the story and she thought it was hilarious. throughout the story she let out bursts of laugher while trying to keep a straight face.
morale of the story, take what's yours and don't look back.
typing that makes me feel the exact same way i did that day. like a piece of greasy salty shit.
Answer: got the last of some good fries. made special kid cry. offered to give him the fries. he gets happy. i crush his dreams of getting the fries by quite literally crushing them by falling on him and the fries. i step on his hand on accident. leave without saying more than one word. try to forget it happened.
Question: Text: obligatory, this happened last week.
so i live in an apartment complex and i had a new neighbor move in across the way. i've been studying for the texas bar for approximately 3 months, hovered over my computer and reading law. basically, i've had pretty minimal human contact. now, i'm not normally socially awkward, quite the opposite, but i guess i'm so out of practice, i couldn't help myself. as i exited my apartment, my new neighbor exited simultaneously. she is approximately in her younger 20s. here is the exchange:
me- "oh hi, are you our new neighbor?"
her- "yes"
me- "well nice to meet you, i'm aulstin, and i live in the apartment across from you with my wife, (wife's name)"
her- "nice to meet you."
*this is where i get weird*
me- "so do you have anyone else living with you?"
*why did i ask that?*
her- "no...well, i live with my dog."
me -"well, i'll let you know if i see any suspect characters hanging around."
*what?!? what does that mean*
her- nervous laughter, "ok."
edit: formatting.
Answer: - divulge of human contact, i make awkward conversation with my brand new neighbor, who probably thinks i'm crazy
Question: Text: i woke up shirtless and hungry. my problem was that i'm officially out of good food. i haven't been to the store lately and all i have left now is the generic brand ramen noodles. so shirtless me decides to make that for lunch so, stove on, pot filled with water and ramen contents. fast-forward to transferring the soup to a bowl. in the process of transfer, i don't notice that i'm a fucking idiot and i let boiling water touch my hand as i'm pouring. like a moron, i drop the bowl, causing contents that made it into the bowl to splash on the stove and onto me. i drop the pot and get more boiling water thrown onto my body. so today i've been sitting with second degree burns on my stomach, arms and a bad one on one of my nips. luckily, i know what to do in a situation like this and i've patched myself up quite nicely.
Answer: | i spilled boiling soup water on myself and now have second degree burns on the upper half of my body.
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: this happened over the weekend and i'm still processing it.
i (24 m) used tinder once before and met a cool chick and it didn't work out so i decided to try again, what could go wrong right?
so after a few days of using tinder, i stopped launching the app but left my profile active, so i kept getting a few matches. well one night my friends and i decide to go bar hopping in a pretty well popular area because why not?
we're all pretty smashed at a bar, and i'm wearing the same sweater in my profile picture. apparently some girl i matched with sent me a few messages (i checked it was 10 within a 2 hour period) and i never responded. she recognizes me and starts yelling at me! mind you i didn't have any idea what was going on as i'm drunk off my ass.
she's going psycho saying "wtf theadventuringpanda, why did you never respond to me?!" i responded with "who are you?".
apparently this drove her nuts. she started yelling combinations of words i've never heard before, then she grabbed my drink and threw it in my face, then security came and threw us both out on our asses. she then followed my buddies and i to the car and is yelling and screaming still. while we were driving off she threw her shoe at the car. my buddies were laughing the entire time.
i think i'm just gonna stay inside for the rest of my life.
Output: psycho lady ruined the party cause i didn't respond to her tinder messages.
Input: Consider Input: Text: hi, guys. so, this happened about two weeks ago, but the punishment rolled in yesterday when i was scheduled to work. a little backstory first:
i work at a place that sells unique, authentic and always affordable items part-time while i finish off my last last year and a half at my university. my position at said store is the beer and wine manager. what that means is that i order all the wines and beer that the store needs for the week, but also acting as a manager when the others are busy.
now, for the last few months or so, i've made life difficult for the management staff and myself. i wasn't happy working there anymore as the company wasn't doing too well. (remember that motto from earlier? complete bs. go buy their shit on amazon and save some money.) the company started rolling out aggressive schematics that were to be enforced by the district managers and the suits that run visual merchandising. this was fine for me because i loved my department. talking about beer and wine all day was great and i've made connections with tons of people and got them to love specific beverages. my department looked impeccable every damn day. but, over time, i became fatigued of holding myself to such high standards with the addition of management never acknowledging their (mostly student) workforce. my coworkers and i would constantly joke about how we'd do everything and the managers would sit in the office on their phones, looking at snapchats, texting, looking at golfing sites, etc. (i've seen them doing all this even when we were swamped and could use the extra hand).
now, at this point, i have been looking around for another job because i need to get out of their before i pull my hair out at all the hypocrisy. i've found a few labs on campus that i could apply to and actually gain experience in my science background. plus, i would have to leave this job as fall quarter would barely leave me any availability for the hours required for my position.
here is the fuck: i just got suspended. why? being angry and blowing up on one of my managers for the hypocrisy because i finally had enough of that high-pitched screech that she calls a voice of hers, i've been needing a pinot noir that our warehouse had tons of, but they couldn't be bothered to send me a case for god knows what reason despite me only having 3 bottles on hand. so, i created a fake customer request for someone named hugh jass and mike hunt who both wanted this wine. i then create the order under the name of someone we'll call laura (a very universally hated employee with the absolute worst attitude i have ever observed). i did this and time passed on. a few days later corporate shit themselves when they saw hugh jass. mike hunt was ok, but hugh jass wasn't apparently.
so, corporate is launching an investigation (why launch an investigation when we actually needed the wine and it was such a silly act.. not even funny.. just stupid.), to which i believe is an excuse to waste some time at their headquarters. my manager said i could either voluntarily resign or be suspended without pay indefinitely. i chose the latter because i'll have found something in the meantime since the corporate machine is really, painfully slow.
and that's it! my time there was exposed me to beer and wine distribution and i have created all of the connections that i needed. i'm thankful for that and not much else. time to go find a job that pays less/better and will actually be fulfilling :)
Output: i finally found a reason to leave my unfulfilling job and make management look bad to corporate at the same time.
Input: Consider Input: Text: this happened about 2 years ago, i was a high schooler with a lot of after school activities, friends and followers. pretty much the social life at my school. now since i had multiple after school things going on i was in different schools as well to work together on regional stuff. since i like to make friends and followers i casually post about 2 times a day to instagram. i decided it was a great idea to find a empty room and take a picture of myself in the 2 schools i went to. one being in the early morning and one later in the afternoon at those schools that are within 20 miles of each other. now after the events that happened that day here is where the fuck up happens. i said earlier that i had a lot of followers, now being the person i am i have a decent amount of one and a half sided friendships(basically i only get a response on some topics). with that i had some girl(we shall call her amy) that was one of the more popular girls, amy had a class with me, but on the other side of the room. so we talked in and out of passing period or during team projects. now i usually get the insta blown up by like requests so i turned off notifications and visit it once or twice a day. so i didn't expect her(or anybody really) to make a big deal. she thought i went mad and broke into both schools and showed her dad. dad had read the "common sense for dummies" book and called the police and it went downhill from here, the next day rolls around like a typical tuesday. i didn't hear anything about this "break-in" so i never got any kind of idea what would happen next. in 7th hour i was called to the office, my first thought was "why the fuck am i needed?", so i go to the office with a bit of a sign of discomfort. i go into the vice principals office and i am greeted by 2 cops and the vice. i was semi petrified as most people would be if they had 2 cops on them for something they were unaware of. i was told that i was suspected of breaking and entering, likely hey thought i stole tv's or some shit. so they had somebody lock the door from the outside and guard it. i explained that i had taken pictures and i said i had a after school club. they said that they would review the footage and get back, but they had put my house on watch and had searched all our vehicles for stolen items. i go down to my after school and we did a normal(in-school) day. upon leaving i got kicked off the club until the police report was settled. "well fuck me." i thought and i went to bed, pissed off. i got a call from the police that they saw i was in for legit reasons and that i was temporarily banned from instagram and those 2 school for 3 months after they verified it all. after that i pretty much lost a good amount of friends and followers. at least i still had friends that i knew to be trustworthy. after all of it it seemed to simmer down after that year for most people, except amy.
| Output: posted a suspicious image and got the police involved thinking i broke into a school. lost friends and got banned from the schools and social media for 3 months.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: well, unlike most of tifu this actually just happened today. i was laying in bed and my arm had gotten sore, when i rolled over it felt like i had pulled a muscle. so not wanting it to get any worse i grabbed a big ice pack from the freezer and began to apply it to my shoulder. 5 minutes later i decided to remove it and see how my shoulder felt. this was when i realized i had fucked up.... my skin on my shoulder was literally frozen and white with frost. it was weird because i didn't feel the usual tingly feeling that shows maybe its time to take this cold pack off... now i have a big red spot on my shoulder and am hoping it doesn't blister up.
Example Output: had sore shoulder put ice pack on with no barrier and got ice burn.
Example Input: Text: yesterday i decided to donate blood because there was a bad accident on the freeway near my house and the blood bank was in dire need of blood. so i decided to go give them my blood and all went great. when i finished the people there warned me to take an easy for next 24 hours and drink lots of fluids, as they always do. i knew i had work the next day as a caregiver to substitute for someone else, but i figured it wouldn't be strenuous work since all i really had to do was shadow the client and it would be okay to go.
well i went to work today and around lunch time, my client and i started walking toward his favorite restaurant that was like 5 minutes away. he goes there every day and he has his caregivers go with him, so i was just going along with his daily routine. all of a sudden, half-way there, i start feeling light-headed and feel the slightest hints of a headache. however, i ignore it and keep walking, telling myself i can rest when we get to the restaurant.
my body decided it wasn't having that. my vision started blurring and before i knew it, it was getting really hard to think. i couldn't walk straight and i felt myself getting sucked into a void. i called out to my client, telling him to stop, but he couldn't hear me since he's hard of hearing and just kept going without me. i wanted to keep following him, but i couldn't take it anymore and collapsed on the lawn of a carl's jr nearby. all i could do was watch some ants crawl on some blades of grass before i closed my eyes and blacked out.
i was able to wake up about ten seconds later or so, but when i did, my client was gone. i knew he was probably at the restaurant without me, but i had no idea which one he was at since there were like 5 places to eat in the area. so i had to call my agency and tell them what happened, and they eventually were able to figure out where he liked to eat from caregivers who took care of him before. after i figured that out, i managed to get inside of carl's jr and order some food, which gave me enough energy to meet my client at his restaurant not far from where i was. he was quite fine when i found him, and it all worked out in the end. even my agency wasn't upset at me really.
Example Output: gave blood to blood bank, went to work next day, passed out on a walk and nearly lost client.
Example Input: Text: some background: a good friend of mine, whom i will call "bob", and i work for our local school system in the it department as sys admins. a month ago, a group of us from work got together on the weekend and did one of those escape games that are so popular right now. (if you haven't heard of these, a group is locked in a room and have an hour to escape it by following clues and solving puzzles. they are a lot of fun.) the theme of our escape game was "prison break", and, as part of the experience, the place we were at took a fake “mug shot" of each player with their name and an alias.
we played the escape game, made it out with just over four minutes left, and had an absolute blast.
so after the game, i posted pictures of everyone's mug shot on facebook. when i get to bob's picture, being a good friend, i added the caption, "arrested for public nudity".
[here is the picture of bob](http://i.imgur.com/rodrzzo.jpg)
the school resource officer, who we will call john, was part of the group that went with us. (for those of you outside the us: a school resource officer is a sworn-in law enforcement agent that is permanently stationed at a school. they carry guns, have powers of arrest, etc. most public high schools have an sro.) john saw the fake mug-shot of bob with my caption and thought it was hilarious. so he shared it on his facebook page.
being the sro, john is facebook friends with teachers, administration, and school board members. they all see this fake mug shot with my caption........and the rumors begin about bob.
fast forward a month. bob and i were on skype last night playing a game of league of legends when a mutual friend and teacher, “steve”, messaged me on facebook.
"bob got arrested!?" he asked.
at this point, bob and i had no idea how big the rumors had gotten. talking on skype, we decide to mess with steve a bit.
"yeah, absolutely." i reply. "he was arrested for public nudity."
"so it's true!? call me and tell me what happened." steve quickly types back.
so i call him and put the phone on speaker so bob can hear. i make up this completely fabricated story about how bob was accused of shoplifting in wal-mart and he got so angry, he stripped naked to prove he hadn't hidden anything in his clothes, then goose-stepped around the store completely nude while giving the nazi salute and shouting "heil hitler and his wal-mart army!"
steve completely buys this bullcrap story i made up on the spot, while bob is dying laughing in my ear.
after steve's initial shock wore off, i asked him where he heard about bob's arrest. he said some fellow teachers told him, and they saw his mug-shot on facebook.
i directed steve to john's facebook page and advised him to take a really hard look at the mug-shot. when he did, he saw the company's logo and the fact that it was, obviously, completely fake.
bob and i shared a good laugh, but steve was a little more serious. "you know a lot of people think that photo was real.” he said. this caused us to laugh even harder. the idea that a large group of educated, intelligent people was fooled an obviously-fake photo and a caption was hilarious. steve tries to sober our enthusiasm. “the board of education had a meeting tonight, and bob’s alleged arrest was on the agenda.”
bob and i were silent for a few seconds before absolutely losing it. i fell out of my chair i was laughing so hard. the school board had talked about our dumb photo. the idea was too ridiculous.
sure enough, today bob and i were called in to three different meetings to answer questions about the silly photo. we met with the director of schools, our boss, and a meeting with several members of the board of education. the director of schools was especially angry about the situation.
“do you think it’s appropriate to be putting something like that on facebook when you work in the public sector?” she asked me. i calmly replied that our school system didn’t have a social media policy in place (bob and i had been pushing for one for about six months with little success), so there were no rules broken. i further said that this entire situation would have been resolved with a single call to bob, john, or i. we could have explained the situation then before it made it to the board of education. she didn’t like my answer, but she had little in the way of rebuttals. (“well, you’re going to have to explain this all the school board!”)
the three board members tried not to laugh as we explained the situation to them. they agreed with me that a simple phone or meeting would have explained everything before it got to them.
-----
Example Output: | so at the end of the day, a simple, fake mugshot and a caption had an entire school district, up to the board of education, convinced that my coworker was arrested for public nudity. that’s the american education system at work folks!
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: first of all happy mother's day!
so now late as usually my sisters and me split a few presents for my mom and my sister told me to come upstairs to sign the letter, but i was in the middle of something so i said i would come up in a minute. not knowing that she was giving my mom the presents in a few minutes so she brought the letter down to me with my mom sitting on the couch 15 feet from me so i hid the letter behind my ipad and was looking at my mom to make sure she didnt see me and then i went to bite the cap off of the sharpie since i was holding the card in 1 hand and my ipad in the other and it was already open... and i bit the open part. needless to say sharpie doesnt taste amazing or good at all and i gagged for a bit. thankfully my mom didnt notice.
Solution: | sharpie ink doesnt taste good | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
Text: okay, so this actually happened today, a plus for me i presume. well i have a hard time waking up in the morning and getting the motivation to go to school since i've been depressed. that's besides the fact as i am now making amends and waking up at 5 to go work out and let go of that extra stress. well i apparently have twenty two tardies in my first period class, for those who aren't familiar with the american school system, that's a lot. now my school has these tardy passes that you get in the morning and give to your teacher... rip everyone who comes in late.
my depression made our school do tardy sweeps in the morning...
Text: tifu, actually this isn't from today but rather 2 years ago. back then i was 16 years old. i do have to mention that i have never been the most athletic guy (except for basketball, i am surprisingly good at it), i am quite short and at the time i wore very very nerdy glasses.
there was this super super hot girl i had a crush on, i am talking a 12/10 girl and after fighting my shyness i managed to talk to her and befriend her in my pe class. we didn't really do anything in the class except play with some cards. anyways i still hadn't managed to get her phone number but i didn't have the guts to ask for it. so this one time coaches allow one side of the court for basketball and the other for volleyball. and of course i tried to show off playing basketball in front of her. i constantly looked at her and smiled and she smiled back as she watched me, apparently it was working. i do have to say that i moved to the united states from mexico and i played a little soccer, i am not good but i can get some respect. anyways one of the volleyball people get their ball right where i am at and super smart me decides to show off some of my soccer skills. i prepare myself and kick the ball extremely hard because they volleyball courts were a little far. i believe that is the time i have kicked a ball the hardest in my entire life. and all of a sudden i can see the ball head towards my crush, i watched it as if it was in slo mo. i couldn't do anything about it. and baaam!! headshot, i hit her right in the face and knocked her unconscious. i run towards her just as other people did. her nose was bleeding and she was slowly gaining consciousness. i apologized with all my might, but it was all for nothing. she left school that day and came back the next day. she didn't talk to me ever again. i was so close to getting her number and i fucked it up by trying to impress her.
| had crush on gorgeous girl, had a chance of getting her number and tried to impress her with my soccer skills, ended up knocking her unconscious and ruining all my chances of getting her number.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so i saw that one of my friends liked a post on facebook, and being curious i looked into it. it went something like this "omg [girl] just posted a video of herself masturbating". i looked into it and found out she was supposedly 13. thats where i should have stopped. i continued onto a facebook community of the girl and found the 30 second long video and watched it, thinking it was a joke or something. it wasn't. i think i'm going to nuke my hard drive now.
i'm 17 for reference.
Solution: | 13 year olds and facebook are bad. very bad. | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: ah. my first tifu post. man, i gotta say, i was hoping for something a little more... embarrassing, to say the least. but this shall haunt me nonetheless. i hope this suffices, and that others can draw a little amusement from my pain. bonus points for this happening about one minute ago?
this tale began like any other, on this an ordinary tuesday night. until... my fateful blunder. earlier, i had succumbed to the desperate need for sugar. chocolates, candies, desserts - *something!* the answer came from a fellow redditor, via the suggestion of homemade sugar cookies. eureka! thus i began my preparations immediately, preheating the oven to a toasty 350f, and blending the sugar and butter seamlessly. little did i know what horrors were lurking around the corner. the first batch came out without a hitch, exiting their baking glory a golden brown, and delicious. i loaded the second tray into the oven for the traditional twelve minutes, all going according to plan. the timer goes off, and they are perfection. but that perfection was moments away from shattering. as i went to transfer the cookie sheet from the oven to the stove top, i got overzealous. i placed the sheet on the stove, but to my dismay, i set it at a precarious angle. it all unfolded like a slow-motion scene from a movie with the car balancing on the edge of a cliff. it tottered for a second, and time slowed to a crawl. i made a desperate lunge toward the scalding metal right as it plunged off the edge, taking with it my twenty innocent taste-bud warriors. my urge to grab the sheet was stifled only by the knowledge of the inevitable burn that would await me if i did so. i watched helplessly as my masterpieces crumbled all over the floor. i cried out in pure agony. as those lovely cookies cascaded towards the floor, so did my heart. i collapsed beside the cookies and wept for the lives lost on this grave night, slowly collecting their remains and placing them gently in the heartless equalizer - the trash can. they gave a valiant effort but, alas, it was not enough. their memory lives on in my burnt, swollen fingertips. farewell, sweet ones. your lives were cut tragically short.
Ex Output:
i am a graceless hippo and my precious cookies disintegrated on the floor as i cried unapologetically. i also ate way too much cookie dough. i regret nothing.
Ex Input:
Text: i'm a fucking idiot!! i bought a joint and muscle pain relief cream and used it without reading the packaging. what i failed to read is that it burns like a mother fucker and that it is a bell pepper cream (legit the same as pepper spray). an itchy eye and a piss later and i'm half blind, unable to open my eyes and living my worst possible nightmare..... it took approximately 18 hours for the burning sensation all over my body (i used the cream on my arms, legs and chest) to dissipate. it didn't matter how much i washed my hands or soaked them in milk, every time i touched my eyes or dick instant burning like the heat of a thousand suns. to make things a little bit worse imagine your dad walking in on you with your dick in a glass of milk and trying to explain what was going on....
Ex Output:
i did the equivillent of pepper spraying myself in both the eyes and the dick.
Ex Input:
Text: first of all sorry for bad format, and grammar im first time poster and english is 2nd language. backstory: i had to create an acccount just to post them because i am so embarrased(and ashamed) at the same time. nobody knows of what i did and i'm super anxious to tell someone.. anyone.. which is why im posting here today. anyways i have a friend lets call him kenny he has the period after mine, i have 5th period math he has 6th period math. he is my best friend ever since i move to the u.s from brazil
so its around 12:50 and i am at my last period of the day at my highschool. i took a "zero" period which means i get out earlier but just get up earlier in the morning (6:45). anyways, i'm in math and my teacher we'll call him tony is an absolute asshole. he always suspects me of getting out of class and smoking pot or something. just because i ask to use the restroom "alot". and i swear he has it out for me, he has even said that he thinks i dont belong in "here." anyways during the lecture i felt my stomach grumble and i felt it. the thing we've all felt before, the urge to shit for an hour on the toilet. i saw that we only had 15 minutes left but i told myself i couldnt hold it in and i asked my teacher if i could go which he responded with an abrupt "no." i pleaded with him but he said that i had to pay attention or i would fail the upcoming test.(which is bs because i've gotten a b or higher on all his tests and he suspects me of cheating almost everytime) i tried to hold it in as long as i could while still managing to take some notes. i saw the clock.. "yes its almost time to go!" a second later my stomach said nope and i literally shit in my pants. i was wearing jeans so it wouldnt be as bad as if i wore shorts. i quickly survey the room to see if anyone noticed but they were too busy engaged in their own conversation and "tony" correcting some papers. the bell rings and i quickly get up, ready to make a mad dash out of the class. i looked at my seat to see that the seat had chunks of poo and was dripping with my poo fluids. i honestly felt bad for the next person but i was too worried about myself. i left the class and the school sprinting while clenching my ass. the next day my friend approached me and he looked very distraught, he said that someone shit in the seat before him and all the kids think its him. my heart stops and my mind racing. i try to comfort him while debating with myself if i should tell him or not. fastfoward a few hours and im here posting this.
i ask you r/tifu what should i do should i not tell and let my best friend take the fall for it or tell the truth and basically commit social suicide?
Ex Output:
| shit on seat in math class, kids think its my best friends. don't know if i should tell the truth or not.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: so this week is finals week and i'm moving along happily day by day until today(wednesday). i have a final at 6 o'clock so a couple hours before the exam i'm studying for it, seeing as it won't be too hard based on the midterm. well i pack up to go the exam and when i get there i find it completely empty. i get a little nervous but think it's no big deal since i was there fifteen minutes early. eventually it turns six and now i'm freaking out thinking it might have been a different room, so i check the rooms nearby but no one was there. now i'm getting really scared and trying to think back on something the teacher might have said but i couldn't think of anything. so i look up the final exam schedule for the quarter and i look at my class. it says the final was on tuesday, i just stare at my phone in disbelief and pray for some sort of miracle. nothing happens. so i go back to my dorm and email the teacher for a make up explaining the situation. still waiting on the reply. i went through an entire quarter and if i dont take the final i'll have to retake the class.
i got ready to take my final exam and find
out it was the day before.
edit: teacher emailed me telling me there's no way to make up the exam. looks i'm having her next quarter again.
Ex Output:
Ex Input:
Text: messed up the title foot scraper not food .
reddit i fucked up.
it all happened about a week ago, i returned home after a night out and was still extremely drunk.
i walk to the bathroom and prepare myself to go to bed. suddenly in the corner of my eye i see something i have never seen ( [this bastard!] ( http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/g/02/uk/pcs/aplus/velvet_pedi_main.png))
drunk me inspects the object and comes to the conclusion that this must be used for scraping dead skin of your forehead.
i scrape my forehead and drunk me is pleased with the result, i go upstairs and fall asleep instantly.
a few hours later i wake up cause my stomach is hurting like a bitch. i go to the toilet do my business, and as i leave i give myself a look in the mirror.
i freak the fuck out i have scratches everywhere on my forehead. i have no idea how they got there cause i have a bad habit of getting blackouts/brownouts.
i quickly realize the best course of action is to disinfect the wounds. i grab my aftershave and pour some of it in my hand and rub it over my head .
i screamed.
my face was burning, it is the most painful thing ever to happen to me.
i try to figure out what happened to my face. i go through my photo album on my phone. there are pictures from right before i left the party witch show my forehead smooth as fuck.
as i put my phone away i see him/her from the corner of my eye. foot scraper is laughing at me. i get a flashback and realize what had happened.
one week later: skin is getting back to normal. after 1 day my forehead was covered with crust. i told everyone i ran in to a wall while i was drunk. the amount of times i had hear "what happens to your face" this week was mind blowing.
Ex Output:
foot scrapers are made for scraping feet not faces
Ex Input:
Text: early this morning / late last night a girl i know came over to mess around for a while and spend the night. we got into it, and eventually moved into the infamous 69 position. while we were going at it, the girl, who had been originally chewing gum at the beginning of her visit, apparently dropped the drum out of her mouth and onto on my thigh. unbeknownst to me, the gum nestled itself between my gooch and left thigh, and greeted me with a lovely rip, tear, and pull of the hair when she woke me up to say goodbye around 6 a.m. i think i would be doing y'all an injustice if i failed to mention that, to really seal the tifu, she delivered two hefty, gusty queefs right in my face while we were in that same position.
i can only fucking hope that she is not crazy enough to purposefully stick a piece of gum in my gooch and deliver a couple pussyfarts as some sort of fetish :/
edit: i have a picture of the gum remains if i must provide
edit 2: grammar
edit 3: [as requested...](http://i.imgur.com/j44twgt.jpg)
Ex Output:
| a drunk girl gave me head and dropped her gum into my gooch without me knowing it, and queefed in my face twice.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
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