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In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: *obligatory this happened last night.*
so a bit of background first and this might get long, sorry. i'm not sure how many other females go through this, but about once a year, my vag becomes about as overly needy as an overattached girlfriend. it always happens in spurts. most times, i am perfectly fine with having sex whenever my husband wants it and not when he is indifferent to it. when i go through this, that is definitely not the case. my walls ache with a pain unlike anything else i've ever experienced and no amount of brutal pounding can satiate its almost instantaneous transformation into needing to seemingly devour everything in existence like the blob. (thankfully, mine doesn't have an interest in maggots, but whatever.) the only way to attempt to describe it, that i can think of, is female blue balls. it's a deep aching so intense that you know, the only way possible to achieve any real satisfaction, and give yourself a break from this pain, is to give yourself that amazingly perfect orgasm by being as forceful as you can to your lady bits...but there's a problem. whenever i go through this, it's the fight of a lifetime to just get myself to the edge. everything is so sensitive and everything feels so amazing, that i just can't get there. like the over sensitivity is somehow getting in the way of actually coming to climax. i may get a small orgasm out but it's hardly enough to give me more than ten minutes before i'm ready for more life altering, mind bending, amazing sex.
so, now, switch to my poor husband. thankfully, for his time in the military, he always missed these dreadful times. we've been together 12 years now, and though our sex life has been far from boring, he's never experienced anything like this. i've warned him and tried to explain to him, how it was, when it happened, (via means of video or whatever) but no amount of talking or video could ever prepare him for the reality of it. i almost feel bad for him at this point, because part of me thinks he didn't take my warnings seriously and just assumed i was teasing him about being so, incredibly, horny. i never, ever thought, that i'd hear a man complain about the surplus of sex he was getting...he is. his poor penis has split just under the head on the underside, in part because my vag stays swollen and ready for that massive o it can't quite achieve and part because he's had very little down time between sessions...an hour if he's lucky...and embarrassingly enough, for some reason, natural lubricants are lacking and various lubes just aren't doing the trick.
every other time i've gone through this, i've had to figure it out alone. we have invested very extensively into a toy collection to try and find a way to alleviate this pain. nothing has worked. during his last stint overseas, we decided to pony up the money and buy a sybian. i spent a large sum of money on the machine and some of the attachments. less than 2 weeks later, it had arrived. i wasted no time reading pamphlets and instructions and care procedures etc., before clipping on a riser, setting a good spring, and slapping on an attachment. i plugged it in and observed the machine work for a few moments before turning it off again to get situated onto it. i took a deep breath, silently hoping this would be what i needed to push me over.
boy, was i wrong. i turned it on, first a bit of rotation, then, up the vibration. before ten minutes was gone, i had both knobs turned all the way up and i was enjoying every second of it...but i could already tell, despite how amazing it was, it wasn't enough. having hubby on video, hoping to achieve that ever escaping o became less about sexual satisfaction and more about relieving the pain that just kept building and building inside of me. i sat on that sybian for well over an hour, trying different attachments, springs, risers, speeds and....nothing. i was highly disappointed, but i'm not done. i'm just getting started. see, what the myriads of papers which come with the sybian don't say is that for every minute you ride this thing, your legs won't work for five minutes when you're done and every part of your nether regions continues to vibrate and contract. it's like your body picked up the vibrations and continues to mimic them after you're done with it...and continues for hours. all this machine did, was make things worse for me. i was highly disappointed.
fast forward a few more months and hubby returns to the states, he suggests i try it again, which i had done several times before his arrival home, only this time, he'd be there to sort of help push me over. okay, why not. so we set the machine up and finally...finally i was able to overcome what had been the bane of me for months. this was the tail end of that disastrous time of year. he had escaped the majority of that time frame.
fast forward another 2 months. we were stationed somewhere else and had to move. sybian mysteriously didn't show up at our new destination. but since my time of dealing with an overly needy cunt between my legs wasn't seemingly going to happen any time soon, we put off purchasing another one.
fast forward to now. i could feel it starting to build. my husband has since gotten medical disability from the army after nearly ten years in and he's home all of the time. this is the first time he's ever going to have to endure the entirety and magnitude of it. we've bought a new sybian, this one with every possible attachment they make for it (discounting color variations), tons of extra springs and even the lube that their company makes, hoping that i'll find the relief i need. i'm currently in month 2 of this year and i just can't get there.
last night, my husband, being completely exhausted from trying to get me there, had the bright idea of putting the machine on the bed so that i could adjust how i sit on it to better achieve the angles i needed. this seemed like a sound plan since part of my problem was having it sat on a hard surface limited me in various ways.
he put it directly in the center of the bed.
machine was turned on and i was instantly completely focused on just getting there. first, he knelt in front of me, which tipped the machine forward. this caused some issues with balance since my g spot wasn't getting enough stimulation. i had him kneel behind me instead and there it was. however.... hitting that magic spot, doesn't always guarantee that it'll work, but it surely helps. i never imagined what would soon come erupting out of me. now, this part is important to note. women can orgasm in more than one way and i've experienced both. they both give very different sensations of relief. it is hard to describe the sort of relief they give but the physical after effects might help here. clit stimulation generally results in the leg shaking and loss of muscle control, for me, while squirting from g spot stimulation seems to relax everything but the spasming muscles from abdomen to knees. the sensations of relief are very different and i'm not usually done until i've had at least one of both. the only time i ever squirt, is when hubby is in control. i can't make it happen myself, and the sybian has never made that happen either. i'm not sure what he does, but it fucking works.
last night, i somehow managed to have both at exactly. the. same. time. i've never felt more satisfied. i could feel it...and despite it being 4am at this point, there was absolutely no way i could stay quiet. little did i know, my husband left the window open in our bedroom. at the very second my throat started to make, what i can only describe as, the most unattractive demonic sounds i've ever made in my entire life, my body finally let loose. what followed was a whirlwind of my husband flying off of the bed, exclaiming to any and all deities to make it stop, and me unable to move, continuously squirting a super speed jet of liquid from between myself and the machine while wailing exorcist style sounds. everything was soaked. my husband starts throwing anything and everything he can find at me, cramming clothes, towels, blankets, under my feet. there was still a puddle. i could feel it pooling around my feet and i couldn't move. it just kept going like someone put a jet sprayer on a garden hose. finally he unplugged the machine and, slowly, i started regaining my senses. i didn't realize at the time just how close i really was to losing consciousness. i could do nothing but slump over and sort of fall off of the sybian, and doing so seemed to open another flood gate. legs twitching and feeling even less sturdy than limp noodles, i could hardly move. i vaguely remember him cursing about the bed being entirely soaked and us still needing sleep. no amount of soaking it up was ever going to be enough to dry the bed at this point. unbeknownst to me, thanks to my bits still vibrating as if i was still on the sybian, i was still leaking at a rather intense rate.
he, deciding i was done, finally, wanted his turn. giving up on his attempt at drying the bed, he flipped me onto my back and went to town. it was great. he stated that the added vibrations and tremors from me riding the machine made it difficult for him to last any decent amount of time, but considering the situation, i didn't mind. i wasn't really keen on laying there in my own liquids and letting it dry on my skin. never been my thing and i felt like i really needed a shower.
fast forward ten minutes after we finish and i am in the shower cleaning off while he uses, his more workable legs, to try and take care of the massive mess we've made of everything.
there's a knock on the door.
three of our neighbors were apparently disturbed by the noise and considering the sounds i knew came from me, they had no idea what was happening. they insisted on seeing me before they left, seemingly sure he had been beating me. we are hermits really, and none of our neighbors really know us since we've only been here a year, but it's a small town, tucked in yhe woods, where everyone knows everyone and it suffers from what i call, "small town syndrome" (everyone in town knows what you're doing before even you do, type of shit, but no one calls the police unless it is serious.) my husband, trying to find an explanation to tell them that would extinguish the situation, looked to me because i'm the quicker thinker of the two of us. we work well like that most times, but last night was not one such occasion. i looked at them and told them the truth because my brain was still so foggy. "my husband just gave me the best orgasm of my life. sorry about the window being open, i'll do my best to make sure it's shut in the future. now, if you'll excuse us, we have some cleaning up to do." i, wobbly, turned back to my husband who helped me back to the shower to finish cleaning off and shut the door. i'm not sure what their expressions were but my husband's face definitely had a look of shock.
when he got into the shower with me, after cleaning, he had a shit eating grin that totally displays a sense of huge accomplishment. "best orgasm of your life, huh?" it really truly was, but now...i don't have the heart to tell him...even that...wasn't enough. shortly after i returned to the shower, i was starting to feel the twitching subside and there it was, ever so slightly...that dull feeling of pain already returning, almost mocking me that such a triumph still wasn't as satisfying as i felt it should have been.
i've always been difficult to bring to orgasm, but my husband is a trooper. he doesn't give up until i go and i don't know how much more my selfish vag can expect from him. we've been at it almost constantly for two months and i can tell that it's really wearing on him.
*
after being plagued with female blue balls, i finally have best orgasm of my life, don't have heart to tell my husband it wasn't enough. leaving window open led to neighbors thinking husband was beating me and we had to sleep in a terribly soaked, towel covered bed.*
Text: so let me be clear, i don't smoke but i hang around a bunch of friends that do smoke and they forget their lighters very often so i started carrying one for them. no big deal.
i went to the ymca this morning so i could keep my he-hooters down, and stay in shape a bit. now i'm weird about this, i like to work out in normal clothes (i.e. jeans and a t-shirt). it just feels more comfortable that way, of course i change when i get back home. on me, i usually have my lighter in the watch pocket of my jeans usually next to my utility knife, my ipod in the right pocket and my phone in my left. my headphones start acting up, as usual, and i have to turn the volume all the way up to barely hear the music.
now here's where the fuck up begins, a really loud song comes on and my headphones suddenly work again. i'm in the middle of a set with my right arm and want to quickly turn it down without stopping the set and/or making a fool out of myself (bad idea). as i reach down and over with my left hand to adjust the volume my thumb barely flicks the lighter on (it's a cheap and new lighter) and lights my shirt (and almost my jeans too) on fire. so i have to drop the weight, on my foot by the way, take off my shirt, dump all my water on it, and proceed to stomp repeatedly on it until the flames are gone (i would not make a good firefighter). i was so embarrassed that i just grab my burnt drenched shirt, covered up and shamefully walked back to my car.
headphones acted up and blasted music. tried adjusting it with free hand, while still lifting a weight in the other. turned lighter on and burnt part of my shirt.
Text: this happened yesterday, and it could have also been a til thread if i thought of taking a picture of it at the moment of the fuck up.
anyways, the hot summer days are upon us meaning that my car is reaching near hell-like temperatures by the time i get off work. normally i just leave my bag in my car so i can go straight from work to the gym and yesterday was no exception. so at the locker room i take off my shirt and am ready to apply some deodorant when i notice my stick was empty, no even a trace of it remaining. i fucked up when i turned it upside down and out came molten deodorant onto my leg, foot and ground. the container was still hot enough to keep the deodorant liquefied. after a "what the fuck?!" moment, i tried cleaning up the mess i made on the floor but it already hardened at just spread everywhere, i made it the janitor's problem.
from now i'm in taking my bag inside with me.
| hot car + stick deodorant = molten fresh scent shenanigans on the locker room floor.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Given the task definition, example input & output, solve the new input case.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input case for you: Text: (i am quite the lightweight, just to clarify)
so a couple of months back was my friend's birthday who decided to invite a couple of friends (including myself) around to her house.
we all started drinking early in the night until someone reveals that they brought some weed. we smoke about half of it and then all go back inside.
as i had been drinking before and was already a little drunk, this was absolutely dreadful and i was really disorientated and could not think straight at all.
by the time i was leaving, my mum was outside and was asking if she was in the right place etc, so i go out and check that she is.
with me being half baked still and not remembering which house i came from, of course i walk into the wrong house completely. i take a while to process why the stairs are on the other side of the hall but i am interrupted by someone saying "james, is that you?". needless to say, it wasn't and i mumbled "no" and hobbled out of the house and back into the correct one to gather up my stuff.
Output: | got drunk, high and walked into wrong house. | 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: so i decided to make some oatmeal, which started off with me thoroughly washing a small pot. i added a bit of water and set it on the stove to boil before adding my insta-oats. a couple minutes later the water is still too calm so i turn up the heat. a few more minutes pass and there's still no bubbles forming in this pot. after about 10 minutes i'm thinking, something is wrong. i'm glad i know about super-heating, so this is my first thought, and i also know just how unlikely and dangerous this can be. the water is absolutely still as well, which supports this even more. so i slowly take the pot and tilt it away from me, and what do you know a small explosion triggers, but the amount of water made it a very small mess.
i'm just really glad i didn't stir, or do anything stupid enough to get burnt by the water. it also was definitely super heated because after adding my oats it reacted much differently than "normal" boiling water.
hopefully you guys can take something out of this and avoid accidents.
little more info about how it works: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_oxm4mr_i0
A: | super heated some water accidentally and was smart enough to not have it blow up in my direction. | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Let me give you an example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
The answer to this example can be: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Here is why: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
OK. solve this:
Text: this actually happened 5 years ago when i was 13 and is an x-post from my own subreddit /r/storiesofourlives but i found this subreddit today so i thought i'd share.
here's the context: i was not the brightest kid to walk the earth at that age, and was lucky to have lived until today (no kidding i really was that dumb), also i had recently acquired an electrical kit in order to install extra fog lights onto my atv.
here's the story: i'm in my room and it is about 3am on a monday. everyone is my house is asleep and i'm playing around with my electrical kit when a genius idea presents itself. "maybe if i put two wires into the electrical socket then make them touch i can weld something!" so i preceded to follow through with this idea. the first wire goes in: nothing. so i stick the second wire in and as i release it, the two touch creating what looked like a small blue orb followed by all the power in my house going out. i panicked, really not wanting to wake up my father and tell him of my recent discovery, i decided to figure out how to work the breaker box and fix the issue myself. anyways, long story short i flipped the box back on (apparently the blast had done was flip the main switch) and went to bed, with my parents being oblivious of the whole matter even to this day.
Answer: | should be dead because of electricity. | 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: obligatory not today, but 6 years ago. *
so before school, my mom would drop me off at my aunt’s house so she could take me and my cousin to the bus stop. the problem was my aunt is notorious for being late to everything. and the problem with *me* is my terrible anxiety/*need* to be on time for everything. not to mention today was the first day back from winter break, and how *embarrassing* would it have been to be late on the first day, right? hahaha you’d have to be a damn idiot, i thought to myself.
7:55
*no big deal*.i thought while putting on my shoes, *we would need to be out of the door at 7:58 to get to the bus stop on time. no need to worry. i’ll just sit while i wait for my aunt and my cousin to finish getting ready in their rooms.*
7:57
*ugghh what is taking them so long?* i thought, mildly panicked. then out comes my aunt and my cousin ready to take on the day. i was relieved. but nope, a car requires a key, and my aunt’s morning ritual included not being able to locate her keys.
7:58
at this point i was a /u/ngarcia6769 shape hole in the door ready to get to the bus stop to go to school. my aunt fumbled through her purse, looking for her keys. i stood unnecessarily anxious as she searched her huge bag for her keys.
8:00
she finally finds her keys and we are out the door. our bus stop was a few streets over, maybe a kilometer (1/2 mile) away. i get to the car door faster than the speed of light because my bus usually got there at 8:02 (yes i timed it every day).
8:01:30
my aunt is aware of her tardiness, but remains perfectly oblivious to the utter chaos occurring in my head. due to her consistent lateness, my aunt counteracts this with driving faster. now we were going maybe 55-64 km/hr (35-40 mph) in a residential area which is ridiculously illegal. to me, it felt like riding the back of a dead snail.
8:02
we turn the corner and **the bus is already there** picking up those blessed individuals who were on time. now we are still going a decent speed to try and get there. i am freaking the fuck out at this point while everyone else in this speeding minivan is finally starting to understand what they’ve done.
8:02:45
i’m **done**. i **need** to get to the bus on time. then i instantly knew what seemed to be the only option (besides my aunt just driving us to school and being tardy):
*i will just get out of the car now...*
i pushed open the door of this speeding behemoth of a minivan and get out. “nope”, says sir issac newton. “inertia doesn’t work that way, dumbass. sorry.” so the forces of what felt like a goddamn nfl linebacker thrusted my 96 pound body to the ground and had me rolling on the street for a few meters. my head missed the tire by like 50 cm, which would have really put a damper on the rest of my day, being dead and all. also i’m pretty sure everyone on the bus saw the whole thing. so anyway, full of adrenaline i got back up in an instant and got back in the car. my aunt looked at me in shock at how much of a fucking idiot her nephew is, or at least that’s what *i* thought.
turns out my pinky was bent all the way back behind my hand, my head was bleeding, and my arm was completely covered with a road rash. i didn’t start feeling that until we got to the hospital.
long story short i ended up with my entire left hand/wrist broken, cuts everywhere on my arms and legs, and a sweet concussion. but nothing quite compared to the endless teasing, years to come, by my family and locking my door until the vehicle is to a complete stop.
edit: [please laugh at my pain](https://imgur.com/a/ra6i8)
| Solution: being late for the bus summoned my inner steve-o. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution is here: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this: Text: i am one of my high schools morning announcer along with another student. we always tape our announcements then broadcast them. we got into the room to record, but before we recorded we started to discuss our plans for taking lsd the next weekend. we were certain that the live audio broadcaster was turned off, but actually only the soundboard was off. so any classroom with the tv on heard us talking about it, which was about 7 classes. one teacher phoned the office and eventually the principal knocked on the door and talked to us. i was certain i was going to get suspended, but for whatever reason the principal told us to watch our language use around the microphones.
Solution: | i was in a high schools announcements room with hot mic's and told about 7 teachers across the school i was going to take lsd over the pa system. | 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: hi reddit, first time poster here! i have a very fun and quite unbelievable story to tell you guys. this happened back in 1998.
i was 18, slightly nerdy, and i was not a drinker, by any means. let’s get the funniest part of this entire story out of the way right now. i’ll admit it; i had bowl cut. you’ll see.
i was best buds with two guys i had known for years: ryan and dave. ryan’s dad was an airline pilot and had some free tickets to hawaii, so he offered to take us all for a long weekend. needless to say, we were stoked. i had never been to hawaii before, and i was looking forward to the experience very much.
i am 35 years old now and my memories are spotty, but i will describe things as best i can. the flight was long, but soon enough we arrived in the base-model-ford-mustang-convertible-capital-of-the-world. it seemed as if that was the only car available to rent on the island.
ryan, dave, i (chris) were lucky enough to have our own room, which meant trouble at that age. we did some bar hopping and found it quite difficult to get alcohol from the bartenders, since we all looked pretty damn young. desperate times require desperate measures, so we found a guy in the stairwell of our hotel named cal and asked him to buy us some booze. he agreed… and the debauchery ensued.
dave and i did a bit of drinking in the hotel room, and ryan did quite a bit more. he was in pretty bad shape and the place was a disaster. beer cans were strewn about and everything was in complete disarray. ryan was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom, puking into the shower, when his dad called. he didn’t like what he heard and said that he was coming up to check on us. he was in the same hotel, only a few floors away, so we freaked the hell out!!
it was a mad scramble to clean the room and put all the beer cans into a trash bag and dispose of it in the stairwell before his dad got up there. we kept ryan in the bathroom and somehow convinced his dad that everything was copacetic and he just had a stomach bug. in hindsight, his dad almost surely knew exactly what was going on, as he kept a much closer eye on us from there on out.
on one of our adventures outside of the hotel that night, we saw an advertisement in a bar for a booze cruise. the flyer made it sound like a ton of fun, complete with hot chicks, music, dancing, alcohol, and a massive floating trampoline. what more could an 18 year old ask for? absolutely nothing… so we decided to see if ryan’s dad would allow us to go. i believe we told him that we wanted to go on a cruise, while conveniently leaving out the part about the booze, so he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with us going. there was one catch, though: the booze cruise was on a sunday and ryan's family was quite religious. dave and i were given the option to go to sunday mass, while ryan was not. we all went back to the hotel room for the night to ponder the situation.
the next day, we all met up with ryan’s dad early in the morning and rendered our verdict. in true top gear spirit, when one of our comrades was in need and the open road was ahead of us, dave and i did what we had to do: we left ryan to go to church with his dad and we got the hell on that ship. and damn was that a good decision. sort of.
i went to a small high school with a graduating class of less than 60 kids, and i definitely wasn’t a big partier. this cruise was absolutely nuts, especially for me. loud music was blasting, tons of meat heads were screaming and being obnoxious, beautiful women in skimpy bikinis were on their backs with cheering crowds around them, as whipped cream was sprayed onto their navels. guys were doing body shots off of topless girls, making out… you name it. it was paradise for dave and me, but we needed some alcohol to really let loose.
now that i think about it, i’m not quite sure how we managed to get on this booze cruise, in the first place, since the minimum age for the cruise was 21. lol! regardless, we decided to chance it and go ask the bartender for a drink, hoping he wouldn’t ask us for any id. dave looked older than i did, so he was nominated to do the deed. if he was successful, our drink of choice was going to be a long island iced tea. he made it up to the bar and wasn’t looking too confident in himself, and i was getting worried that we were going to be busted for being on a booze cruise under-age. no good.
dave eventually went for it, hands shaking… and he got lucky. the bartender didn’t id him and he came back with the massive drink!! we were stoked, to say the least. again, keep in mind the neither of us were big drinkers. also keep in mind that the bartender made this long island iced tea extremely strong. well, let me tell you something… this long island iced tea absolutely obliterated me. i became a flaming idiot and lost every single bit of the little common sense i had. i guess that was the goal, but this was a bit more than i had planned for.
by this point, everyone else was extremely intoxicated, as well, as the escapades were only getting more girls-gone-wild’esque. at the peak of my drunkenness, the boat came to a stop and anchored in the middle of the pacific ocean. everyone started jumping off the back of the boat and getting onto the massive floating trampoline that was being dragged behind it. this was so amazing for dave and me. boobs were bouncing everywhere and we were drunk out of our minds. every once in a while we would mention poor ryan, who was probably sitting in the pew beside his father, singing hymns at sunday mass. oh well, the show must go ooonnn!
i then decided to join in the festivities. when i do things, i normally go all out. it’s all or nothing for me, and that would prove to be a bit problematic in this case. all of the other drunk people were jumping off the back of the boat, which was the proper place to jump off the boat, as it was lower and intended for such a purpose. that didn’t seem to be cool enough for me, however, as i climbed up on the side of the boat and let out a scream… then jumped into the ocean.
fully clothed.
with my wallet in my pocket.
my wallet was forced out of my pocket by the sudden impact from the 20+ foot jump into the water and, unbeknownst to me, promptly sank to the bottom of the ocean floor. dave and i continued to have a great time on the booze cruise and our lives were perfect. i didn’t realize that i had lost my wallet until we disembarked the ship and got back onto terra firma. this was not a good situation, at all, but fortunately it was pre 9/11 and ryan’s dad could pull some strings since he was a pilot. i eventually made it back to the continental united states and got a new license from the dmv. all was back to normal for a couple years…
if you are still with me, then you are about to be rewarded, just like i was. over two years later, my mom received a manilla envelope in the mail, sent from colorado and addressed to me. i opened up the envelope and inside i found my worn wallet, filled with sand, with my faded id card and the tattered remains of a twenty dollar bill inside. also in the envelope was a hand written letter that read:
-------------------------------
my husband, ********, found your wallet in 90 ft. of water. he was doing his 2 weeks with navy reserves. he teaches scuba and is a master instructor. that day he had a group of 8 people out in the ocean when he found your wallet.
i hope you receive this and haven’t moved. i wondered how long it has been in the ocean (hawaii).
sincerely,
********************
-------------------------------
i was floored. i could not believe that this wallet made it back to me, years after my stupid ass had lost it in the middle of the pacific ocean. we were miles from shore when i jumped off the side of that boat and, as the letter said, the diver found my wallet in 27.432 meters of water. absolutely astonishing, if you ask me. my mom saved it for all these years, and i just got around to taking some pics earlier tonight.
anyways, i hope you enjoyed the story, guys. i have attached pictures to this post, as proof that this was not a fictional tale!
[click here for pics!](http://imgur.com/a/mtk6l)
hey!!!!!!! you!!!!!! ==>
[EX A]: went on booze cruise in hawaii, got way too drunk, jumped off side of boat fully clothed, lost wallet in the pacific ocean, scuba diver found it two years later and sent it back to me with a letter from his wife who has amazing cursive penwomanship, and i had a super awesome bowl cut of which everyone is envious.
[EX Q]: Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
[EX A]: i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
[EX Q]: Text: this happened a few days ago.
anyone who plays pubg knows how intense it can be, being one of the last few people alive trying to survive the onslaught for that illusive chicken dinner. i was playing duos with a friend, we were both fully kitted out in the last twenty alive, hiding in a shrub, scoping out a passing truck debating if we should open fire or not. we decided to go for it, we pull our guns and release a hot load of steamy lead all over the oncoming truck. now this would have probably worked if we actually decided to hit the guys in the truck, instead they pulled the break got out and before we knew it we were the dead ones with a hot load of steamy lead in our faces in, this defeat, this shame that i had just felt my me angry and in my rage i belted out "fucking wankers" and then slammed my hands down on my desk, don't pretend you haven't done something like that before. i then tried to talk to my friend about if we should continue matching but then was struck with a sharp stabbing pain in the left of my chest, what was this? am i having a heart attack? did my chest just get filled with hot steamy lead? i tried to breathe in but it just didn't work properly? i don't really know how to describe it, it felt like one of my lungs was a deflated crisp packet that i could feel pain in every crinkle. each breath felt like a knife being stabbed into me. i then decided my best course of action was too sleep on it and see how it was in the morning as it slowly started to become less painful (or i was just getting used to it). i slapped the power button on my pc, wishing my friend a good night and stumbled into my bed. i woke up in the morning after my alarm went off, feeling light headed, i stumbled into my mum's bedroom just about wheezing out that i probably needed visit to the good old nhs. to cut a long story a few x-rays and doctors prodding and squeezing me, it was determined that i had received a spontaneous pneumothorax. (my third one) i'm currently awaiting surgery in hospital with a greg's sausage roll and doughnut and cant wait to get back home to play more pubg and get more chicken dinners. moral of the story kids, don't get mad at video games if you are prone to a collapsed lung or two.
edit one - a clearly intellectual redditor corrected me on my writing.
[EX A]: | shouted at a computer and got karma by my lung collapsing, fun times.
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: this is more than likely going to be quite a long post so bear with me if you decide to stick around. this is also a form of closure for me with what has happened in the past month or so. anyway here goes the story. names have been changed to protect people even though i'm quite sure they don't use reddit.
i met this girl we'll call sarah, she's absolutely stunning, kind, caring, compassionate, super fun and really easy to get along with. she was the kind of person that you would never give up no matter what happened between you. we met in august 2013, we ended up hitting it off really well and became really close friends super quickly. we both were pretty interested in each other however neither of us would act on it, they most we did was flirt on and off for a year. i wasn't wanting to make a move because she had a habit of bouncing in and out of relationships and i personally wasn't ready for one. we had our fair share of disagreements, fights and drama that we got pissed off at each other for however no matter what happened and no matter how angry we got at each other we always came back to each other as friends realising what we did as wrong and instantly becoming close friends again.
around easter last year we became closer that we had ever been before, talking almost everyday starting to actually take interest in one another as more than friends. she had a boyfriend at the time who she wasn't into anymore (it was a relationship they had rushed into) so when they broke up sarah and i started to see each other a lot, i ended up going to her house quite a few times and we talked for hours on end about life and all that fun stuff. i got close to her parents and they also seemed to enjoy having me around quite a lot too. fast forward 3 months to when i actually realised that she was trying to be more than a friend (i was an oblivious little nerd at the time) i ended up asking her out and later on asking her to be my girlfriend queue amazing memories such as going to her vacation house multiple times, going to the beach (stayed there for about a week twice once last year and once this year) and into the mountains for the easter weekend this year. things couldn't have been better for us, we were happy, doing new things and were in love.
queue the end of the honeymoon stage:
i've got anxiety, used to be pretty self conscious about things. which in retrospect i should have seen someone earlier, it may have actually saved the relationship. this caused a lot of fighting, i am anxiously attached and she was an avoidant attached. while i wanted to talk about my issues and what was going on in the relationship, she wanted nothing to do with this and in the long run it ended up dragging her down quite a lot because of this. (she had anxiety too and my constant worrying was bringing it back quite a lot according to her). queue the tifu, one night we were talking and i said to her that sometimes i just see her as a friend, (we hadn't been doing much intimately and i felt like she was starting to drift away from me). understandably she took this very badly, i tried to apologise for that multiple times but she wouldn't hear it. i went over to her house the next day to say how sorry i was but it only ended in tears and me leaving. we fixed it over time but we couldn't properly fix what happened. when she joined the university guild (they all seem like a bunch of highly functioning alcoholics) she completely changed as a person, she met a guy who was hitting on her while we were still together and this made my anxiety go crazy, every time she mentioned his name i would tense up and get insanely anxious. she ended up partying with him quite often while we were still together (stayed at his house etc too).
after one of our blowups we went to a park to talk about what we wanted for us and what we should do with our relationship. i ended up asking her for a second chance, which she replied to by saying only if you give me one too. we ended up staying together for a few more weeks until one night she just exploded, saying things like the only reason i gave you a second chance was because your grandma was in hospital and i couldn't bear the thought of hurting you more. (this hurt me more than her dumping me then and there would have, when i asked for the second chance). the next day i picked her up from her job interview and on the drive back to hers i was saying how i think we're over, after the things that she said the night before it was clear that we were over. we parked in a park a few streets away from her house to talk it out and we agreed that it is best for us to breakup save us the pain from being in the relationship was causing. (we were together for one and a half years)
the day after we broke up the guy that was hitting on her when we were together was flirting with her already. on the saturday we went to a concert that was my birthday present from me to her. a friend advised that i should take someone else seeing as we broke up, but i couldn't do that to her not after knowing her for so long and knowing that it was her favorite band. i couldn't possibly crush another human being like that. that night and for a week after we ended up kissing, holding hands and cuddling like we used to in our relationship which made things really confusing for the both of us. fast forward a week i picked her up from a family party we went back to hers so we could get ready for another party that we were both attending and she came onto me, we ended up having sex and then again the next day when i went over to hers to sort out what had happened the night before. this ended up happening again the week after as well.
this is where things start to get messy, it was her birthday when i saw her next (there was a beach party that we went to) i got really drunk and one of her close friends told me that sarah and sam made out. (i was being lied to by her for 3 or so weeks) so i went up to her and was like why were you lying to me about it, i don't care that you made out i just wanted to know the truth when i asked you. i'm dissapointed that you lied to me after knowing me for two and a half years.
monday night she calls me after my friend had a go at her for lying to me and him, she called me abusing me saying that we're over, to stop causing drama and making up rumors about things that have never happened etc. she ended it with you're not coming to my 18th anymore goodbye. a few days later i called back to apologise for what i did on her birthday saying i'm sorry about my behavior it was inappropriate i shouldn't have done it at all. she later on re-invited me to her 18th and i went along to it. sam (the guy she lied to me about) kissed her on the forehead so that crushed me a lot. we'd been fighting on and off until last night during the week leading up to it where she kept reminding me of things like how my anxiety and what i said about her being a friend were the main reasons that we ended up breaking up. kept snapchatting me photos of her with guys when she was out, generally trying to make me feel like shit.
here comes the last part, last night, the 10/10/2015.
i rocked up to a party that she was at and when i arrived one of my friends pulled me aside we'll call her sally. she told me that sarah hooked up with another guy we'll call ben, but not for me to worry because he said that it wouldn't happen again and he was planning on saying sorry to me. (not sure why, its been a month since we broke up). later on in the night sarah disappeared with a guy for a while. i was talking to a friend when ben came up saying that sarah was in the guys car and they were having sex (turns out they were just making out), i felt absolutely gutted and sick so i went to leave, guess who i bumped into when i was walking down the street? that's right. sarah. i pulled her aside and apologized for getting angry at her previously and she said that its okay and decided to walk to the car with me where we ended up having a chat about us and making out again. she ended it saying that she still isn't over me, because she loved me for a year and a half. (a lot of conflicting information from her i'll elaborate on soon). however her friend saw us making out and wanted to murder us both (in her words "we broke up, we shouldn't be making out"). later on in the night i was talking to a friend when sarah walked over to the guy she hooked up with earlier who was sitting near me and started to hookup with him again, which absolutely crushed me that she would do something like that to me. 90% of the party was in disbelief about what she was doing and how cruel it is to do that when your ex is at the same party.
i went home and called her today and said *"i'm just really hurt and can't really wrap my head around that you'd do something like that when i was around "* to which she replied with things like *"we broke up. i hooked up with another guy. i'm allowed to do that, you have no business in this anymore."* and when i confronted her about how her behavior and personality has changed completely she replied with *"i've changed because i can be who i want to be, not who i had to be for you."* i also said that she needs to take peoples feelings into consideration when she does things not just act on impulse, to which she replied with *"technically i don't have to."*
later on she called back and abused the shit out of me with her friends in the background egging her on and her showing off to them by mocking what i was saying.
so that is how i fucked up reddit, by having anxiety and telling the girl i loved so much that i saw her more as a friend sometimes. now i'm watching a kind, caring, genuine and compassionate girl that i knew for two + years (or so i thought) do a complete 180 disregard peoples feelings and past relationships all because she turned 18.
Ex Output:
ex girlfriend used to be an amazing human being, turned 18 grew an ice heart.
Ex Input:
Text: this happened last night. i was having a bad week and my wife offered to take a bath with me which i gladly accepted. we set up the bath and my wife had to use the bathroom (the toilet is behind another door from the bath which is important for the story). so i get into the bath early cause it was cold as shit.
so i'm settling down and enjoying myself when i suddenly get a big urge to pee and i can't hold it. i don't want to get out of the bath either cause it was super cold that night so i looked around and found a cup next to the bath. i put the cup over my dick to the point where i think that no air could escape out of it. my plan was to pee in it and then stand up and then take the cup off and put it on the sink so i could get rid of it later or when my wife came out.
i start peeing and at first it seems like the plan is going swell however after like 3 seconds i notice yellow seeping from the cup. i get frightened and jump up out of the water and the cup falls over into the tub. at this point i'm holding in the rest of my piss and i turn the drain on, put on a towel and run downstairs to our second bathroom to dispose of the waste.
when i return, lo and behold my wife is sitting in the bath telling me to jump in. i couldn't bring myself to tell her that 1. i tried to piss in a cup while in the bathtub and accidently pissed into the bath or 2. that she was bathing in it. so i get in without saying a word and spend 30 minutes of quality time with my wife in my own piss.
edit: a word
Ex Output:
stuck my dick into a cup while in the bath to pee
Ex Input:
Text: i was watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmqdoiqn9ka&feature=iv&src_vid=o2uvkubozvy&annotation_id=annotation_325438045, and in the suggested videos was "mario powerups in real life". unfortunately, i clicked on the video below it, which was "fun with condoms". that was when my mom decided to come up. haven't spoken to her since.
Ex Output:
| when you're 11, don't show interest in anything remotely close to sex.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: tifu by accidentally getting high on my work break
to start the story i'm an moderate stoner, smoking 3-4 times a week. i've also gone to work high before but only a handful of times and i managed just fine.
i was working a 2-8 shift (midday-closing) and my break was at 4:30, right before the night crew came in. at around 4:55 i was about to leave my house and go back to work when i decided to eat a brownie that my sister had left out. not really paying much attention i scarfed one down and immediately felt off-put, fuck. i knew my mistake but figured it wouldn't effect me much. i had already smoked a blunt the night before and got pretty baked so i was confident i could handle this high based on other edibles i've had before that really didn't do much to me. i hadn't smoked in a week (stopped because of anxiety while high) and went through some withdrawal earlier in the week but considering i had a good high the night before i felt ok to go back to work
on my quick drive to work i immediately knew i was too high when i caught myself zoned tf out jamming to oh my dis side and feeling the music travel through my body completely. i was absolutely zooted out of my mind. once i arrived at work it was me, the night crew (consisting of 3 kids i went to high school with and my youngest manager), and my two other managers including my main boss. i should mention that i work at a department store similar to a job lot but the staff is small and the ones working that night were around my age (18). avoiding any big encounters i was able to last until 5:15 when my main bosses went home and it was just the night crew there, this is when the high started escalating rapidly.
i walked over and chatted with my boss and two coworkers and it felt like a nightmare. everything they said sounded like it was meant to either offend me or hint that they knew i was baked. my paranoia and anxiety was so intense that i felt my entire body shaking so badly that i ended up just sitting down in he middle the aisle. at this point i figured they must've known but after i was able to escape the conversation and get assigned a task in the back room, stapling carpet onto a wood pallet for a display. it took me 30 minutes to realize i was using a broken staple gun when my coworker came to the back and encouraged me to go to my manager.
i thought "this is it they're all against me i'm getting fired or they're all just fucking with me because they know." at this point my physical symptoms have started to dwindle but my head was far from stable. i figured i was ok until my bosses boyfriend comes in. now they're about 5-6 years older than i am but her boyfriend and i have had an issue in the past and she only brings him in when a coworker is causing an issue. at this point i knew it was time to fess up. i pulled my manager aside and told her i "accidentally ate a pot brownie" at my friends house and that i was beyond high for work. to my surprise she told me she knew just by looking at my eyes as they were "bloodshot with pulsing pupils" as she described them. she also told me that none of my coworkers had a clue because they don't know much about weed and she encouraged me to tell them. after this went down my high started to relax and i was calming down from my panic attack.
my manager allowed me to sit down for the last 2 hours of my shift and calm myself down as she reassured me that i had nothing to be worried about. she was kind enough to let me off the hook and kept it between me and my coworkers so i don't lose my job. as lucky and grateful i am to not have gotten into any trouble for it this is easily the most embarrassing event that's happened to me in my adolescent years and work life.
accidentally ate pot brownie before work. had extremely strong high with an anxiety attack and resorted to telling my boss. staying sober now.
Text: hi reddit, this did not happen today but i just felt like sharing my story.
i work in tech support, you know taking calls, creating tickets, resolving issues. at this one company, i got promoted to a second level position: no more calls, just a few tickets assigned to my queue, better pay, less hours. i was made. then came the fatidic day when the company fucked up and did not pay us on time, i was super mad, calling them and going to their office (they are a subcontractor, so we work on the clients office) and demanding an explanation, this was on a friday so i had to spend the weekend with no money; on monday they explain everything and promise to pay by friday and they did.
two weeks later was the companies christmas party and i was there with some friends, alcohol was consumed, jokes were made, then i got black out drunk and on my stupor i found the guy that explained why they did not paid on time and started trying to start a fight with him. a lot of people tried to break it up, and one of them was (i did not know then) the companies ceo. i pushed him away and told him "fuck off man, i will also kick your ass". they had to call the police to remove me from the premises.
on monday i was told who that one mas was. i tried to appeal to their good hearth and obviously they had to fire me. had to go back to taking calls and working as a slave on tech support.
got drunk on a company christmas party and tried to fight the ceo. then i was fired.
Text: this actually just happened a few hours ago. i work as a cart attendant in my neighborhood chain superstore, in a fairly populated city. to those who don't know what being a cart attendant in a busy city entails; you push rows of carts through the parking lot towards the store, while also dodging whatever shitty drivers there are nearby trying to kill you.
i worked the closing shift tonight, and things were progressing fairly normally, and traffic was slowing down as the night went on. i was pushing one of the last rows of carts into the store when i happened to look at my shadow on the asphalt. i realized it getting bigger and bigger and longer and taller, and realized the familiar sound of a car engine behind me.
a lot of things went through my mind very quickly. *the driver is probably texting and not paying attention. i need to get out of the way. i shouldn't even turn around, i should just move now, be a hero. some guy with awesome instincts and reflexes. yea, that would be cool.* so, i did what anyone else would have done in the situation. i ditched the carts i was pushing and dove onto the sidewalk, breaking my fall into a fire roll. i picked myself up and looked to see what danger i avoided... and saw our store's security guard, holding his flashlight, looking at me like i was either mentally ill or extremely high. looking for the source of the engine noise, i saw a car was driving the opposite direction down the parking lot. it had probably driven past me while i was enamored with my shadow.
needless to say, that security guard gave me pretty strange looks for the rest of the night.
| : tried to trust my instincts, instead rolled on the concrete for no reason in front of a coworker.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
PROBLEM: Text: this happend yesterday and everything is ok now, but good god i thought i had brought hell down on me.
i have dual screens, that's important to know. and obviously this is a throwaway.
so i have facebook up on the right one and reddit up on my main one(the left one). nothing new on reddit and i'm really bored so i scroll through facebook for a while.
low and behold, an old(busty) classmate just posted a bikini picture. instant hard on(not by her really, more like i got reminded that the biggest porn collection in history is right in front of me). so i go to the bathroom, take some tp and put it down on the keyboard so i can grab it quickly when i need to. then i open up a tab in incognito but i find the light from the right monitor disturbing so i shut it off.
2h later me and my so is sitting in front of the computer editing pictures. i go to grab some cookies and she sits there by herself for 2 minutes. when i get back, there's a panorama-like picture up on the main screen.
"what the fuck is that?" i think.
it's a girl being fucked from behind, and right next to it is a picture of a facebook friend of mine. turns out i must have hit the "printscreen" button while going for the tp and since i my dropbox uploads all of my screenshots it got saved.
i don't even want to talk about the shit that went on with my so after that but it's ok and she understands that it was just a mistake.
today i fucked up, and then some.
SOLUTION: if you accidentally "liked" someones bikini picture on facebook, you got off lucky.**
PROBLEM: Text: so this tifu started yesterday, but i had not realized it until today. this morning at 5:20am to be exact. as i was getting ready to leave for work (read: practically running out of the door because i had hit snooze 3 times), i soon realized that my keys were nowhere to be found. i have a nearly two hour commute that involves driving to the train station and taking several subways. if i miss this train, i will be late for work. i also have a key to work and am often the first one there/last one to leave. after sprinting around the house for a couple of minutes, i ask my mom if she has seen my keys. she says no. she then remembers that my grandma was left unattended yesterday near the front of the house where i always leave my keys. my grandma has dementia and often takes/hides things. i still haven't found my keys. and no, she doesn't remember taking them. on the plus side, i grabbed my spare car key and made it to work on time. on the downside, i had to wait outside in the rain for 15 minutes this morning waiting for someone to let me in.
SOLUTION: left keys where i normally do and now they are most likely in grandma's super secret hideout spot, that no one can find, including herself.
PROBLEM: Text: so i love having bbq's at my place and inviting some friends over for some great chats, drinks and board/card games.
i offered to make edibles for the weekend and it was universally agreed that the edibles i make taste awesome, but are a little bit weak as i don't like to overload anyone on their first time.
so i'm making edibles, mixing some vaped bud with coconut oil and i walk away to answer the phone, it's my best mate and we have a long chat about how awesome life is. after i finish the phone call, i have a celebratory joint and then watch the sunset. wonderful colours a+. go back inside, and continue cooking by adding the vaped bud to the coconut oil, start cooking enjoying my night.
the next day all my friends come over, we sit down to a veritable feast and i bring out the brownies. i take two because i have a higher tolerance and give everyone else one. we start with cards against humanity and exploding kittens, i'm starting to feel something and i look around the table.
whoops.. oh fuck.. what did i do...
all of my friends look like straight 8+, one is trying to sit up straight and is staring at me like i've shanked him in the shower.
"dude, what the fuck was in those brownies?". everyone is looking around at each other, agreeing that they were too high and still rising. i realised i had only minutes to try and rectify the situation before paranoia kicked in, so i brought everyone inside and gave everyone blankets. put finding nemo on the tv and hoped that it would be bright and colourful enough to be entertaining. grabbed my emergency kit, and handed out packets of wizz-fizz, chocolate and sugary drinks to everyone.
i sat watching all of them as everyone in the room watched the movie and slowly and visibly became space cadets. sweet dreams pupper, ground control to major tom. eventually that movie finished and i decided the only thing less stressful than nemo is monsters inc.
eventually people started to go to sleep, so i ushered each one to their own sleeping space, eventually each person was passed out in their respective beds.
i went back and looked at the recipe to see how badly i had fucked up. about 2 ounces of vaped bud potency in only 8 muffins. all of them recovered fine after a hearty breakfast of bacon, but i think i learned my lesson.
SOLUTION: | don't smoke while cooking.
| 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: this happened a few years ago when i was a bartender and it still makes me cringe...
i was bartending at a brew pub and it was right before my shift. i was sitting at a table with one of my friends and he turns to me and says, "hey, i think that is jim belushi sitting over there." i turn to see who he is gesturing at and it is definitely *not* jim belushi. it *is* a man of a similar build though so i could see why my friend might make the mistake.
the next few minutes are spent arguing about if it *is* him or if it *isn't* him. i can tell you with complete confidence that it was not jim belushi. anyway, i am starting to get tired of arguing about it so i tell my friend that i can settle this right now and i start to say, "jim belushi" out loud in the direction of the man that is definitely *not* jim belushi. i am getting louder and louder, "jim belushi... jim belushi... **jim belushi!!!**".
as i am doing this, yelling "jim belushi" in a crowded pub, a figure suddenly blocks my vision, standing between myself and the man that i am screaming at. i look up and... of course... it's the *real* jim belushi. he looks down at me and in a sarcastic voice says, "*you rang?*". i'm pretty sure my face just went completely white and i started apologizing profusely as my friend sat next to me and laughed his ass off. obviously what had happened was my friend had been pointing at the real jim belushi and i was looking at someone else.
jim belushi ended up being super nice. he bought my friends some beers and proceeded to give me shit for the rest of the night...
Student: | jim belushi is pretty cool and i am an idiot | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Part 1. Definition
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Part 2. Example
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Answer: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Part 3. Exercise
Text: today i gave my new maine coon her first bath, as apparently it's best to get them used to it in case they get stinky later on. all that fur and whatnot.
the battle was tremendous, as arya did not let the fact that she's only 9 weeks and about 4 pounds stop her from ripping into my flesh like a legion of the undead. the noise was otherworldy, as if someone was skinning small infants before dipping them into vats of salt water to make an orchestra of wailing. blood and fur flew all over the bathroom, soap got into cuts and kitten eyes alike, but finally she was clean.
i struggled to get the soaking wad of fur from the bathroom into my room so my roommate didn't have to deal with the racket any longer. not paying any attention to anything but my decimated forearms, i picked a towel up off the floor and dried the spastic feline as quickly as i could before depositing her on the bed so i could tend to my wounds.
it's only after i peered into the mirror and saw hickies all over my neck that i remember the crazy sex my so and i had the night before. i'm talking 4 rounds of hardcore bondage with squirting and just buckets of cum and/or other bodily fluids that took two full-sized bath towels to clean up. one of which i'd left on the floor of my bedroom just in case we woke up from our sex stupor and continued where we left off.
and that was when i realized the kitten was crusty and reeked of sex...
needless to say, the second bath was much more difficult. stuffing a damp cum-covered cat back into a tub they just vacated is a life experience i could have lived without. now i'm going to attempt to stitch myself back together before i pass out from blood loss and then i get to explain to my so why i never want to hear "i want to cum all over your pussy" ever ever again.
Answer: | survived epic battle to give maine coon kitten a bath only to dry her off with a towel covered in sex juices. | 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: so i love having bbq's at my place and inviting some friends over for some great chats, drinks and board/card games.
i offered to make edibles for the weekend and it was universally agreed that the edibles i make taste awesome, but are a little bit weak as i don't like to overload anyone on their first time.
so i'm making edibles, mixing some vaped bud with coconut oil and i walk away to answer the phone, it's my best mate and we have a long chat about how awesome life is. after i finish the phone call, i have a celebratory joint and then watch the sunset. wonderful colours a+. go back inside, and continue cooking by adding the vaped bud to the coconut oil, start cooking enjoying my night.
the next day all my friends come over, we sit down to a veritable feast and i bring out the brownies. i take two because i have a higher tolerance and give everyone else one. we start with cards against humanity and exploding kittens, i'm starting to feel something and i look around the table.
whoops.. oh fuck.. what did i do...
all of my friends look like straight 8+, one is trying to sit up straight and is staring at me like i've shanked him in the shower.
"dude, what the fuck was in those brownies?". everyone is looking around at each other, agreeing that they were too high and still rising. i realised i had only minutes to try and rectify the situation before paranoia kicked in, so i brought everyone inside and gave everyone blankets. put finding nemo on the tv and hoped that it would be bright and colourful enough to be entertaining. grabbed my emergency kit, and handed out packets of wizz-fizz, chocolate and sugary drinks to everyone.
i sat watching all of them as everyone in the room watched the movie and slowly and visibly became space cadets. sweet dreams pupper, ground control to major tom. eventually that movie finished and i decided the only thing less stressful than nemo is monsters inc.
eventually people started to go to sleep, so i ushered each one to their own sleeping space, eventually each person was passed out in their respective beds.
i went back and looked at the recipe to see how badly i had fucked up. about 2 ounces of vaped bud potency in only 8 muffins. all of them recovered fine after a hearty breakfast of bacon, but i think i learned my lesson.
Solution: | don't smoke while cooking. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: i started off today with no shampoo. no big deal, i'll steal some of my wife's. then i go to grab my snow boots, and the laces are missing. okay, i'll wear my shoes. opened the door to get into my car to grab my snow brush, and snow falls into the window switches. it happens. clean off my car, and go to work. get there, and clean all the snow out of my switches.
while at work, some guy decided that he was going to drop a gallon of milk into the pharmacy. the gallon exploded, and soaked into our carpet tiles. awesome. i go to grab tiles to replace said carpet, and we only had two. there were at least 10 tiles saturated in milk to the concrete. so i decided to replace the most saturated tiles to at least hold of some of the rancid milk smell that will be there all week. managed to slice my knuckle open while removing the tile.
then i go into the back, and notice that the entire sink if full of water for no apparent reason. no one was using it, it just decided to fill itself up through the drain, and not leave. so we attempted to plunge it, and all that happened was a bunch of sediment came up, and it still wasn't draining. so we tried drain-o.
after about 20 minutes of drain-o, still nothing. so i start emptying it out with a bucket and bringing it outside. i got snow in my shoes. while i was doing this, one of the pharmacists decided to try to plunge it again, and was too forceful, sending grimy water and drain-o all over the place.
eventually the sink drained, and it was time to go home. i go to grab the snow brush from my car, and notice about 2 inches of snow in the back seat. when i was clearing the snow out of the switches, i put my window down and didn't notice. so that was fun.
while clearing the snow and ice off my car, my snow brush broke, so i got to go buy a new one at cvs.
Example Output: fuck today.
Example Input: Text: tifu (today i fucked up), the mother's day edition
this story takes place on mother's day roughly 20 years ago. i would have been about 8 years old.
i had a saturday baseball game. it was the first season we were old enough to start pitching the ball ourselves, and it was a very exciting time. every kid had dreams of being the next randy johnson and pitching 100+ mph fastballs. i had been practicing quite a bit with both of my parents in the hopes that i might be allowed to pitch in this game.
that morning, we had a little bit of downtime before the game started and i asked my mom if i could practice pitching with her. at the time, there were probably catcher's masks and gloves available but it was pretty normal for parents not to use them when practicing with us, so my mom was just using a normal baseball glove and no mask.
the first couple throws weren't too bad. a little wild but normal for a kid pitching that age. i was starting to feel warmed up and wanted to try out my fastball and really let it rip. as the ball left my fingertips i could tell i was right on target, it was heading straight toward her glove as she crouched low on the grass about 25-30 feet away from me. but when the ball reached her, instead of sinking into her glove with a satisfying thump the way it was supposed to, it tipped off the top edge of the glove which sent it straight into her face, unguarded by a catchers mask.
the ball hit her right in the lens of her sunglasses, popping it out (luckily not shattering it) and as it hit her, the lens sliced deep into her eyebrow. immediately she put the glove up to her face and i knew i'd messed up bigtime. as she stood up i could see blood pouring out of the glove. little 8 year old me thought i'd killed her. i was pulled aside as my dad and others rushed over to assess the injury. people kept telling me she was ok but i could see there was a ton of blood.
tra-la-la, frantic trip to the er ensues. turns out the glass cut her pretty bad, and she needed 13 stitches. the lucky part was that the majority of the cut was in her eyebrow and that would serve to hide the scar well when it healed. she was left with a pretty bad black eye and a lot of swelling, more than a new pair of sunglasses could hide, but she was ok, possibly better off than if the ball had just beamed her straight on without the lens to take some of the impact.
still, pretty much the worst mother's day present ever.
i felt horrible about it for weeks afterwards, but i remember the absolute worst part was walking into church as a family the next day. even with the sunglasses on everyone could tell she had a massive black eye, and every single person we encountered seemed to automatically assume the worst right off the bat and glare at my father. i may have been only 8 years old, but i knew what they were all thinking. i felt terrible for both of them.
i'm not sure how to turn this into a nice mother's day message but i thought it was a story worth sharing. this certainly wasn't the worst thing i've put her through over the years but i figure any mom who can take all of that is a good one. my mother is a brave, inspiring, talented, and creative lady, and i'm incredibly blessed to have her.
thanks mom, and after all these years, i'm still really sorry about that baseball, and everything else.
Example Output: 8 year old me hits my mom in the face with a baseball on mother's day and sends her to the er for 13 stitches and a black eye. everyone at church sees it and assumes my dad hit her.
Example Input: Text: so i was messing around in study hall after school with photoshop, and i found all the yearbook photos. i thought it would be funny if i messed around with them (not saving of course), but i somehow clicked a button and deleted it when i meant to go back to the file before it. i started panicking and laughing, but i knew it was serious. i texted my friend, and it turned out somehow he had every photo saved on his computer, so i got lucky. i have no clue how i will get those onto the network at school though. the worst part is that graphic arts is trying to work on the yearbook photo, and i am not even in that class, so it makes the situation even weirder. i told a few people and they were shocked, and who would blame them, i deleted every individual yearbook photo from the network.
edit: today i succesfully downloaded and put in the backup without my teacher noticing! i needed to finish some hw before my next classand my teacher let me (i have temporary graphic arts so this was the teacher i was trying to keep the secret from), and right after i logged my email in and downloaded the drive folder and put it in the right place. i was so lucky.
Example Output: | deleted all personal yearbook photos from the school network, don't know what to do exactly.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: a minor tifu, happened 14 hours ago.
i am a middle aged dude. i was staying in a hotel for work (i work as a financial controller in an it company). the previous evening i packed my bag with what i thought was a tube of toothpaste.
in the hotel before going to sleep (right after you know... i was alone in my room with nothing much to do with a laptop and free hotel wifi) i get the tube and put the white cream on my toothbrush. so far so good, i put the brush in my mouth and start scrubbing. i taste the "toothpaste" because something is off. i look at the tube and see it is sunscreen -_-
the next morning i told my wife and she got a good laugh out of it.
Solution: | i brushed my teeth with sunscreen. | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[Q]: Text: so yesterday we had a family bbq to celebrate mothers day and we were having a good time...so one of my uncles suggest all the men in the family get together and play some football... well being that the women of the family were there none of us were gonna pussy out so every man that was able volunteered, and we treked out into the open field next to my aunt house. the rules were it was full contact football, no crying, and no bias because you might hit your son of nephew. so my two uncles...who are also brothers, become the captains of both teams. so i get chosen for my...lets call him uncle a...team, and my other uncle...let's call him b...gets pissed because i'm one of the strongest out of my generation of kids. so b tell his son to try to take me out the game (i found this out later), yeah b is a competitive motherfucker. so i'm chosen to be the wide receiver and my cousin is the corner...so on the first play we run a shotgun pass...and i take off and run my route and my cousin is right beside me he turns **elbows me in fucking face**....and knocks me down...so here i am nose busted and my cousin says "watch where you going bitch" i. am. pissed. so i get back up with a fountain of blood coming out of me...and my uncle saw what happened and runs a run play so i can get my hands on my cousin... so we line up...my face probably resembles nine-tails naruto who just ate a lot of cherry pie, and as soon as he says hut i explode off the line. my cousin being the little bitch that he is sees this and runs away...now i'm more pissed because i gotta chase this fucker. we get to about where the 40 yard sideline would be and i'm about to sack the shit out of him and he jukes away...and suddenly my 16 year old cousin appears in front of me and behind her is a tree, i couldn't stop my speed...and i sandwich her between me and the tree, i heard the crack of six broken ribs and fractured vertebrae and a concussion as both of us bounced off the tree. and i heard a thump then and yelp, i got up and looked over to where the sounds came from...and my grandmother was holding her head....my cousins phone flew out of her hand and hit my grandmother in the head. so my mom and aunts are pissed at all the men for playing football and hurting my grandmother, my uncle b is pissed for putting his daughter in the hospital, and my uncle a is proud of me for pissing his brother off...and i still didn't beat me cousin ass...
[A]: played football with the family, and ended up hitting my cousin with a x-ray move and possibly ruining her high school everything and my grandmother forehead took a hit from a flying phone.
[Q]: Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
[A]: i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
[Q]: Text: today in court, i was sitting by my defence attorney (crime isn't important and i'm innocent anyway) while the crown prosecutor question a witness.
the crown said "we assume that from the statement in which she gave orally"
the elderly judge asked her "repeat that last part please"
to which the crown said loudly "in which she gave orally"
i couldn't resist, i turned around in my seat to look at my brothers and my so and said louder then i meant "giggity".
i then turned back around to see everyone (including the judge and my own lawyer) staring at me with contempt.
[A]: | said giggity in a very serious setting to a comment only i took as dirty.
| 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
instruction:
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
question:
Text: my buddy asked me to look after his dogs for a week while he was out of town.
he had originally asked his younger cousin to watch the dogs but she was only able to do it for the first week. so i agreed to watch the dogs on the second week he was gone.
____________________
on the first day of my dog-sitting duties i decided i'd go in early before work so i could feed the dogs and take them for a wall. i show up to his house around 7:00am.
once i get inside his place i thought it would be funny to send him a picture of my hand holding a big ass knife with his sleeping dogs in the background along with a text reading "$1,000,000 or the pups get it."
after the photo is sent i spun around with the intentions of returning the knife to its rightful spot in the kitchen. however, instead i, a 6 foot tall 275+ pound bearded male, was shocked to see another person standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room; his tiny 17 year old female cousin, who had stayed the night.
while her face may have had a blank expression her eyes were filled to the brink with tears, which said all it needed to say about her interpretation of the scene. of course, all i could muster out was "you're not suppose to be here" and that did not help defuse the situation. pretty much the seconds those word left my mouth my dumb ass finally concluded "oh fuck, i've done goofed." she remained petrified.
luckily for me, her deer-in-the-headlights reaction to an intruder gave me enough time to explain i was here to take the dogs for a walk. the knife was more difficult to explain but i powered through. after taking a lot of deep breathes she was able to calm down.
when i got back in my vehicle i checked my phone and saw i had a message from my friend. it read word for word...
"umm you dont have to be there until tomorrow"
__________
answer:
escalated a ransom attempt to home invasion**
question:
Text: technically, this happened about three months ago, but i remembered it, and decided it needed to be posted here.
for context, i was having a day out with my dad, and he decided to treat me to some fast food for dinner. he didn't want anything, so i decided i could order to go, and hopped out of the passenger seat and went inside while my dad went to go park nearby.
after i ordered my food, i saw a honda accord, same model and color as my dad's, and headed over. i put the drink i ordered onto the roof of the car, and yanked the passenger door open.
i immediately noticed the different seat covers, and then looked up into the car seeing the face of true fear on an old man who was not *my* old man.
i'd already swung my leg into the car, and i immediately leaped back, and began to apologize profusely to this poor gentleman who probably thought he was getting carjacked by a punk (i regret my choice of clothes that day...).
the driver was super nice, and told me it was an honest mistake, and told me my family had a nice taste in cars.
what makes me feel even more like an idiot is the fact my dad had literally parked his car a space away, and i never saw it.
answer:
accidentally near-carjacked a nice old man.
question:
Text: ok, this is fu number 1 of four that i plan on posting over the next few whatever.
so this happened back in, oh let's just say the mid 1980's. at the time, i was a cadet at the united states military academy, better known as west point. i was a computer science major and a little curious about how things worked on the systems i had access to. at the time, they were just rolling out a program to put pcs on the cadets' desks. i think they were ibm pc jrs running windows 2.0 or something. only a few of them were even networked at first. i was a comp sci major, so i had one of those and so i discovered this awesome thing: email. yeah, i could only send emails to my fellow comp sci majors, but it saved tons of time on group programming projects so i loved it.
but big problem: the user interface we had sucked. it was slow and clunky and made life hell if you wanted to do anything other than just open/read/reply. but i was a comp sci major and a pretty good programmer so i thought "hey, should just write my own user interface." and that's what i did. one of the first features i implemented, not even as part of the ui, was the ability to dump all of your emails out to a single file. it basically had just one input parameter: the location of your email folder on the server. it would open up that folder, read every file of the proper type and content (nothing was encrypted in those days) it could find, and then write them all to another local file. it was recursive too, meaning it could go in to sub-folders of the folder you pointed it at, and then to sub-folders of the sub-folders, and sub-folders of the sub-folders of the sub-folders... etc. ad inf.
piece of cake. it worked almost perfect the first time it ran. almost. unfortunately, i messed up the folder name and pointed it toward the folder with all the users' email folders. all the users' email folders. now in a properly configured email server that wouldn't have been a big deal. i wouldn't have had access to folders that weren't my own. but this was the beginning of the email era and people didn't understand file and folder permissions, especially on unix systems like the one that ran our email. so instead of erroring out, the program recursed through every single user's mail folder.
when the output file my program created looked kinda bigger than i expected, i started paging through it. and the weird thing was- it seemed like it was all other cadets' emails. i eventually noticed the pattern and saw that it was alphabetically by user name. i searched for, and found, my own email tucked in between two cadets with adjacent last names to mine. i wasn't interested in snooping, and at that time people weren't pouring their lives and souls into electronic format anyway. so no juicy confessions, no nude selfies (it was mostly dudes anyway), nothing salacious. it was just mundane everyday classroom stuff.
except for one rather large volume of emails that were addressed to "superintendent." (the "@" sign wasn't in use back then. it was just a private email server.) and then another set for "commandant." and then others with last/first names or job titles of various other high-ranking officers at the academy. fuuuuuck. i had just aggregated all the emails of the fucking military overlords of west point. by accident.
i had a couple of options at this point. the obvious one was to just delete the file, correct my program, and pretend nothing had ever happened. the problem with that was that it left the vulnerability in the system wide open. granted, it was unlikely that one of my fellow comp sci geeks would do anything malicious, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do. the other option was to 'fess up and tell the full-bird colonel who ran the comp sci department's computer systems about it. it was a dice roll. either he'd congratulate me on my cleverly sussing out a system vulnerability, or he'd run his size-12 combat boot up my ass for poking around in his server's guts. i put it at 2/3s chance i'd have his boot up my ass. but west point spends literally millions of dollars drumming "choose the harder right over the easier wrong" into its cadet's heads, so i did what i was supposed to do.
and i got the boot up my ass.
the colonel yelled at me for a good fifteen minutes straight, calling me every nasty word in his vocabulary. i was a hacker. i was deliberately trying to cheat by reading professors' emails. i was illegally accessing sensitive information. i should be thrown out of the academy. i should be thrown into military prison. i was trying to bring the email server down. i was trying to disrupt the operations of the academy. the only thing i was allowed to respond with, by academy tradition, was "no excuse, sir!" until he *asked* for an explanation, all i could do was accept his "constructive criticism" with military decorum. he did finally cool down enough to listen to me explain exactly what had occurred, but even his grudging admission that the server was configured incorrectly did not get me out of trouble.
instead, i was written up and spent another very uncomfortable hour attempting to explain how email and computers and unix shell scripts worked to my company tactical officer, a regular army captain whose job it was to ride herd on a company of cadets. but his degree was in english fucking lit or some such, and he had practically never touched a computer in his life. so none of it made a lick of sense to him. and he never liked me anyway so it was a perfect excuse to assign me a nice big chunk of punishment tours (40, which is a lot). which is why, for the next many weekends, i found my self walking back and forth in "central square" (our version of a quad) in dress gray uniform with a rifle at shoulder arms for hours at a time.
answer:
| accidentally created a file with every email on the email server at my college, which happened to be the united states military academy (west point). realized my mistake & had to report the vulnerability to the colonel who ran the comp sci dept. got in big trouble. punishment was walking the square for 40 hours over the course of several weekends.
| 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: back in elementary school, we began learning french in the fourth grade. every day we would practice reading simple stories in french so we could learn to form the sounds used in french speaking. i was part of a pretty seedy school, where most kids wouldn't do well in most subjects. one day our teacher freaked out on us because the majority of the class was not listening and being disruptive while we were reading. trying to do the best i could in my classes, i asked my female french teacher "can i read more?". my french teacher is hard of hearing and after dropping her jaw and looking stunned, screams at me to leave the class. i wait in the hall, and she grabs me by the arm and drags me to the office. along the way she tells me that she has never been so offended and that i should be ashamed for what i said in the classroom (she's in tears at this point). beyond confused, i ask what i said that upset her, to which she tells me that i know very well what i said and should be disgusted with myself. we arrive at the office and she speaks with the principal, then sends me in. he calls my mom while i'm in his office, and asks me where i learned those words. confused, i say i have no idea what's going. he looks at me and says "if your teacher has an issue with her class, she deals with it as needed be, but you will never, ever, refer to her as a 'stupid whore' again, is that clear? your mother and i will discuss suspension in a moment." before he even finishes his response, i'm laughing hysterically on the floor. about two hours of screaming at me, and laughing at him later, i explain to him that she misheard me and i just asked if i could read more.
Student: | half deaf french teacher mistakes me saying "can i read more?" for "you stupid whore!" and has a breakdown, sending me into a laughing fit in front of the principal and my mother on the phone. | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Let me give you an example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
The answer to this example can be: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Here is why: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
OK. solve this:
Text: as most tifus go, this one wasn't from today, but at least five or so months ago. it started out with me just wanting to get some housework done on my day off, and like most people being stoned while doing housework makes it ten times better. so i proceed to do just that. after lighting up, i bring my laundry to the laundry room that we share with about 6 other units and start putting everything into the washer. i have a lot of laundry to do, and against my better judgment i try to fit it all into the washer, convincing myself that doing it all in one load was a good idea. in the back of my mind i considered the possibility that i overfilled it, but i told myself i was being paranoid. i start the load and head back upstairs to my apartment to do some more chores.
a while later i go to check on the laundry, and it apparently had stopped. i figured it was finished, so i opened the lid to load the dryer. to my surprise, it was not finished, but still full of water and not moving. my first thought was that i burnt out the motor, and i panicked as i tried to get it started. i stood there in shock, still blazed, trying to figure out how i was going to tell my landlord that i broke the washer because i was too lazy and cheap to do two loads instead of one.
i figured my only option was to try to fix it on my own at first, and that telling my landlord was the absolute last resort, as i really didn't want to have that conversation high. suddenly i have an idea, and i start digging the biggest items out of the washer--the towels, and such--and try to start it. luckily, it started again, and all i had to do was clean up the mess i made from the sopping wet towels.
Answer: | : overloaded community washer while high and almost broke it. | 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: first post and obligatory this didn't happen today....
about 10 years ago when i was in secondary school (high school for our american friends) i worked with a builder to make money for myself. it was a great job and i really enjoyed it. one fine saturday morning i turned up for work in a ridiculously hungover state. i was at a party for a friend of mine the night before and was absolutely wasted. in hindsight i probably shouldn't have gone into work but i didn't want to seem like a lazy slacker so got up and showed up. that day we were working in an old monastery where we were renovating certain parts of it.
my boss could tell straight away that i was very hungover and wasn't going to be of much use for the day. he's a very sound guy though and just gave me some very easy jobs to do. after about 2 hours he called me over to him and asked me to get a rusty old nut and bolt out of a roof-tile because he needed it. i looked at him and thought "jesus i know i'm hungover but this is pretty fucking basic".
anyway being the stupid, hungover fool that i was i walked outside with the roof-tile in my hand and smashed it off the ground. pleased with myself i picked up the rusty nut and bolt and brought it back to my boss. i showed it to him proudly but wondered at the look of confusion on his face. he then asked me how i had managed to get the nut and bolt out as he himself had been unable to open them up even with his tools. i said sure it was easy when i broke the roof-tile. then his face dropped. turns out.... yes you guessed it.... he wanted the roof-tile and not the redundant nut and bolt. in fact it was one of the original roof-tiles from the monastery (which was a protected historical structure). my hangover suddenly vanished when he explained that there were very few places in the world that made these and i was going to have to pay for the expensive replacement! i never showed up drunk to work after that day, just got lazy and took the day off!!
**
hungover people can't even follow the most basic commands**
Text: this happened a few hours ago. i live in new delhi, india and every once in awhile, i place orders online for wooden products on a website that belongs to company located in texas. due to complications in delivery, i had to make the payment over the phone today instead of on the website. after placing the order, i thought i would make small talk with the very helpful saleswoman, so i ask her if people in texas can “feel the bern”. for the longest while she doesn’t answer, and i’m wondering if she just doesn’t like the guy. i’m also wondering if she can’t understand my accent, but she didn’t have any problem up until then. she tells me that she has no clue what i am talking about. i tell her that i get most of my news about the united states from reddit, and bernie sanders seems to be really popular over there. she has no clue what i’m talking about again – apparently she hasn’t heard of the website. she says that ”we have google over here.” i try spelling reddit for her and mumble “bernie sanders” a couple of times, growing uncomfortable and nervous the whole time, before i hurriedly thank her and put down the phone.
asked american saleswoman if she could #feelthebern. find out that not everyone in the us knows about bernie sanders. also find out that not everyone in the us knows about reddit.
Text: as with so many of these, it actually didn't happen today, but about 2 months ago.
my wife really likes pies - i mean, who doesn't? - and so she got a brilliant idea to throw a pie party, where everybody had to bring a pie. we invited friends and their kids, and they all had to bring 2 pies each. some were going to bring savory, some sweet.
i'm the baker in the house, so i decided to make 2 pies: a coconut meringue pie, and a pecan pie. i hate making crust so i decided to just buy it pre-made at the supermarket.
one family has a kid who can't eat gluten, so i made sure to pick up a gluten-free crust for the meringue pie. for the other i just bought your standard pillsbury deep-dish variety.
i really wanted to make sure the gluten-free kid had a good time and didn't feel left out - so i made sure the meringue pie recipe wouldn't harm him - did research, picked out the appropriate recipe - really tried my hardest.
fast forward to party day: everybody's eating pie, having a great time, complimenting each other. the gluten-free kid's mom is complimenting me on both pies, and she asks what made the crust so flaky and good? so i go over to the freezer, pull out the bag with the other crust, read the ingredients and say "oh - it's probably the lard..."
i look over at her and her face is in total shock - it then came to me: in my intense focus on her kid being gluten-free, i forgot they're devout muslim, meaning they can't eat pig. i started blabbering apologies over and over...she said "it's ok...don't worry about it" but she still looked pretty grossed out.
i still felt horrible and couldn't stop apologizing for the next hour...and i still think about it today - how i made a whole family of muslims do something completely unholy.
| made a pie with a lard crust - fed it to muslim family and then told them after the fact.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
PROBLEM: Text: this is my first tifu post, and it happened about 10 years ago.
my roommates and i had just moved into a new place after being kicked out of our old one (i don't know why anyone in their right mind would give a bunch of 18 year olds an apartment). since we were technically homeless for like a week, sleeping on couches and stuff, we were excited to have a roof over our heads. so, we moved all our stuff into this house before we got the power turned on.
this was the middle of winter, so we borrowed a space heater from my grandpa. a kerosene heater. and we all cozied up in one of the bedrooms with the heater on and the door shut.
we were enjoying ourselves, despite being creeped out by the new house. at one point, no shit, the bedroom door flew open by itself. we all freaked the fuck out and scrambled into the corner as far away from it as possible. so, great, just moved into a haunted house. awesome.
if it was haunted, the ghost was trying to help though, as you'll soon find out. after recovering from the miniature heart attack i had, one of us worked up the courage to close the door. snuggled back up in bed trying to stay warm, drinking a little whiskey, feeling like a real adult (lol)
and then, suddenly everything just felt...good. like, i didn't want to move from where i was laying. my eyes started feeling really heavy and i had the overwhelming urge to just sleep. my brain was telling me that this is where i was supposed to be. just close your eyes, relax. just let yourself slip away. i asked one of my roommates how they felt and they said "soooo goood..." in a sleepy, almost drunken voice.
right before drifting off to sleep, i had a sudden realization. holy shit. the kerosene heater. the unnatural overwhelming urge to sleep. we were fucking dying! i jumped up and opened a window. as soon as the fresh air hit me everything felt a little less fuzzy. i was suddenly wide awake. my roommates sat up and asked what i was doing and i explained that because we were all total dumbasses, i was opening some windows so we didn't die in our sleep.
needless to say, i was still a little worried about falling asleep that night. the next day our girlfriends came over and we told them what happened. they were super upset. my gf said she couldn't stop thinking about coming over to visit us in our new house for the first time and just finding our dead bodies all cuddled up in bed together. needless to say, i felt like a real ass. however, if shit gets really bad and i ever need a way out, carbon monoxide poisoning seems like a pretty nice way to go.
SOLUTION: moved into a new house with no power, brought a kerosene heater into a room with no ventilation. almost accepted the sweet embrace of death.
PROBLEM: Text: tifu in the most wrong way imaginable.
it all started with me and a friend coming to another's friends place (and another town, a pretty big one too) to celebrate nye.
we got us tickets for a "themed" , or so it was called on it's internet site, club - bar.
we set out to celebrate , aiming to get drunk and have fun , not knowing what we really had in store.
from the beginning the whole place seemed off ... something wasn't right.the people seemed odd,the music that met us wasn't what we expected it to be and it all seemed out of place.
throughout the night , we had gotten small leads to what was going on, but we couldn't put our finger on it.
it got worse when we noticed people , that were obviously gay (we didn't mind it ,it was just strange, hearing that the club was once a gay club.).the feeling persisted when one guy , clearly under the influence of narcotics succumbed to the ecstasy the jazzy music provided for him and took off his t-shirt, while another 6 or more evidently gay men were settling in.
it was then that we noticed the bartender was also gay , and the 4 people , 2 girls and 2 guys seated next to us were gay.
we went down to order some booze and returning back , my friend asked the older gentleman that sat next to us enjoying his drink, if this was a gay bar.
you guessed it , he confirmed our suspicions.
it turned out the place was indeed, a gay club, and we were apparently , the only straight people there.
we don't mind gay people,it's just not what we had in mind for new year's eve, hoping to meet some girls , do a little dancing , etc.to continue , we left shortly , just 5 minutes left to midnight.we spent 2 hours wandering aimlessly ,trying to fathom what had just happened.
we lost time,plans and hope for the evening.
the night's redemption came in the form of a cab driver , that we employed to drive us home.
while searching for the cab, a lovely girl tried to catch a ride with us ,as her place was near where we were going.it worked an off we were.
during the drive, we told her and the driver what the night had in store for us and what we went trough and they shared their own experiences with us.
SOLUTION: tifu by accidentally going to a gay club without realizing it and foiling the plans for the entire evening.
PROBLEM: Text: i was a pretty active reader as a kid because i genuinely liked it when i was learning it and not treating it like a chore. i was reading a couple grades ahead of me ex: the gone series in 3rd grade. i read the hunger games before it became popular, partially because of my reading level, and partially because not many people had heard of it yet. i found it through the author as i loved her gregor series. main story: 6th grade, english class, i had long finished the hunger games books and moved onto other things. however, it appeared that a couple of girls were catching onto it and i was forced into a book group with a bunch of them (6th grade so i was still kinda "eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww girls") i immediately sit down and they have already decided that they were going to do the hunger games. i figured that with the rate i had read the book before prior they would finish in about a week or 2. boy, was i wrong. i wait 2 weeks before contributing (under the clause of "i've already read the book") and sit down, ready to discuss. i wait for an opening and ask a major spoiler (not going to write the actual thing, but harpooned is how to describe the event). the girls look at me like i was a space alien. turns out that they were reading only the half chapter a day that we did in class under instruction by my english teacher. immediately they accuse me of reading ahead with the intention to spoil, and report me to my english teacher. turns out that little me, who often read more than listened in class, had been placed in a low reading group because of the loss of my reading test score. turns out i had stuffed it in my bag. the english teacher asks me if i read ahead and i say "no, i read the book a while ago" teacher raises an eyebrow and gives me the test again in private. turns out i am more than qualified for the best group and could probably just do my own thing but i decided to hang out with some friends in the best group. the real fu happens when i realize the girls now not only seem to think i took advantage of them to advance but also for the spoiler. to this day they act salty to me and probably due to them being hyper popular and eventually dating the hyper-popular boys they were destined to date, i was socially kicked off the ladder. took me the rest of middle school and sports to rebuild my rep and in the end, i went to a different school than them afterward, so i'm fine now. but still, those girls and their friends want nothing to do with me.
SOLUTION: | spoiled hunger games, ticked off the irl equivalent to the plastics.
| 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: so i made a throwaway because the girl uses reddit and knows my account. so as usual this didn't happen today but a year ago and i just remembered this today. this is my first tifu so excuse me if this isn't great.
so to give a little backstory, i was in my last year of highschool at the time and finally grew the balls to ask the girl i liked to go to the movies. let's call this girl pasta. i knew pasta since 4th grade and was good friends with her till now but grew feelings for her senior year. so i made clear to her when i asked her this wasn't as friends but a real date and she seemed very excited and i was pumped.
i pick her up from her house and she just looks absolutely stunning . she made my shit box car smell like a field of flowers and it was just awesome. so we get to the movies buy our tickets and get to the concession (i think that's how you spell it ) stand and ask pasta if she wants popcorn in which she replies no but i get a small for myself anyway ( this will be important later ) . we get to the movie and we are like 40 minutes into the movie and i grow a pair again and put my arm around her and then she leans on me, we start making out and she whispers in my ear something amongst the lines of having sex after the movie. a bit later i decide getting a handful of popcorn with my free hand and pasta says , " know what i'll have some!" and she grabs a handful herself . 10 minutes later she says her stomach isn't settling right and goes to the bathroom. she comes back another 10 minutes later and she looks awful. she says she threw up from the popcorn and felt like shit, so we drive home and ask if she is still up for the nasty to which she replies " are you kidding me?" and slams my door. we didn't talk for a week after and she was really mad at me for a while , which i'm not very surprised . never got that poon which sucks but we are still friends and are going on a date this friday which reminded me of this story. if i fuck up again i will post an update friday.
edit- add to the tl;dr , also am a very insensitive asshole. but if i fuck up again i'll post another, if not it went well :)
[EX A]: i got cockblocked by popcorn.
[EX Q]: Text: so there i was, sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching tv, when all of a sudden my phone rings. now anyone that knows me knows i don't answer my phone unless i know the number, but i am working today and thought maybe it was someone from work. so i answer the phone and hear a little girl say "daddy?" i pause for a minute and say "no". the kid then proceeds to tell me she is having a great day and can't wait to see me tonight. i try very hard to interrupt, but she just keeps talking and talking, so i sit quietly waiting for my chance to respond. finally she says "daddy, what's my social security number?" it all happened so fast, i didn't know what to say, so i blurted out "i don't know." there is a sudden moment of anger on her end "well, why don't you know?" she asked. "because i'm not your real dad and you aren't my real daughter." i suddenly realized i probably shouldn't have said it that way, because she burst into tears, sobbing about being adopted. i quietly ended the call...well, damn. another day, another ruined childhood.
[EX A]: answered my phone and told a little girl i wasn't her dad, ruining her life.
[EX Q]: Text: today i gave my new maine coon her first bath, as apparently it's best to get them used to it in case they get stinky later on. all that fur and whatnot.
the battle was tremendous, as arya did not let the fact that she's only 9 weeks and about 4 pounds stop her from ripping into my flesh like a legion of the undead. the noise was otherworldy, as if someone was skinning small infants before dipping them into vats of salt water to make an orchestra of wailing. blood and fur flew all over the bathroom, soap got into cuts and kitten eyes alike, but finally she was clean.
i struggled to get the soaking wad of fur from the bathroom into my room so my roommate didn't have to deal with the racket any longer. not paying any attention to anything but my decimated forearms, i picked a towel up off the floor and dried the spastic feline as quickly as i could before depositing her on the bed so i could tend to my wounds.
it's only after i peered into the mirror and saw hickies all over my neck that i remember the crazy sex my so and i had the night before. i'm talking 4 rounds of hardcore bondage with squirting and just buckets of cum and/or other bodily fluids that took two full-sized bath towels to clean up. one of which i'd left on the floor of my bedroom just in case we woke up from our sex stupor and continued where we left off.
and that was when i realized the kitten was crusty and reeked of sex...
needless to say, the second bath was much more difficult. stuffing a damp cum-covered cat back into a tub they just vacated is a life experience i could have lived without. now i'm going to attempt to stitch myself back together before i pass out from blood loss and then i get to explain to my so why i never want to hear "i want to cum all over your pussy" ever ever again.
[EX A]: | survived epic battle to give maine coon kitten a bath only to dry her off with a towel covered in sex juices.
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: i work out on and off, and i've recently started back up again. i usually do calisthenics in my office, and run/bike/skate outdoors on the weekend. today, i decided to stop making excuses and really give it my all. i kicked my two dogs out of the room, threw on some pandora, and went at it. fast forward to the end of the workout, and i turn the music down and let the dogs back in. i sit down in my chair and drink some water, then decide that i will cool down and stretch a bit. i get on the ground on my knees, and out of nowhere one of my dogs, concerned with my physical state, accidentally headbutts me in the face and busts my lip. i get up, trying not to let the blood drip all over the carpet, and rush to the bathroom. the scent of blood must have made my other dog concerned, because he rushed over to make sure i was okay. would be fine, except i'm frantically trying to get to the bathroom. so i trip over him and land on my freshly fucked up face. i eventually gathered myself and got to the bathroom. i'm now typing this with gauze under my lip to absorb a disturbing amount of blood, with both dogs licking me to make sure i'm okay.
Output: upset at me locking them out of the room to work out, my dogs tried to murder me.
Input: Consider Input: Text: hello redditors!
well this story didn't happen today, not yesterday, but it happened about 8 years ago.
just to give you a little background about me. my name is dylan, i'm 22 years old and i live on the beautiful island of malta. i would also like to apologize on behalf of my vocabulary, punctuation, spelling mistakes & structure formation. this is my first time writing on reddit. hell this is my first time in a long time since i practiced writing, but enough about me and lets get into the story.
i was 14 at the time and my parents were invited to attend a wedding. i had just started to earn the trust of my parents. it was a very rare occasion to be left alone at home. i mean, my parents had it coming right? so without any hesitation i decided to throw a house party.
called up my best friend brian and told him everything i had been planning. i continued to invite 4 other close friends of mine, - bogart, charlie, tom & eric.
we were all too much excited about this party. we had started preparing from weeks before. you see, we had never been to a house party, let alone host one. the day had arrived. brian and i started doing preparations for the party. we went to a local bar and bought a pack of pint plastic glasses, orange and pineapple juice, 3 packs of cigarettes, some snacks and a 75 cl bottle of j&b and a 75 cl bottle of smirnoff vodka (at that time the drinking age was 16 years old. no one asks for i.d. here in malta, no one gives a fuck really). now, keep in mind that none of us had ever really drank alcohol before, apart from the occasional beer that we used to split between god knows how many people and a few sips of cheap cooking wine.
brian, bogart and i are neighbors. we literally live a few seconds from each other. charlie, tom & eric lived about 20 mins from my village, so they had their parents dropping them off at my house. we all agreed to tell our parents that we would be meeting at my house and that we were going to watch a movie at a cinema, which is about a 30 minute walk from my home.
the clock struck 8 p.m. and my parents were gone!
my friends started arriving one by one. i put on an mp3 cd i burnt into my hi-fi stereo, it was some 8-bit music, played by henry homesweet if i remember correctly. i remember it was bad-ass at that time because it resembled something out of my gameboy's music. i started pouring about a quarter vodka in each glass, mixing it with orange or pineapple juice. we toasted the drinks and i yelled "the last one to down this glass is gay!". now, looking back, iv'e gotta say bogart really took that to heart. he downed that pint of vodka in mere seconds, with everyone following afterwards. big surprise, i downed it last. i still get nauseous by that horrible taste of vodka.
straight away we started to get drunk. one glass would of made that night epic for all the right reasons, not for the wrong ones. we chatted a bit, laughed and pulled some pranks on each other, whilst sipping on another pint of vodka pineapple. we proceeded to take the party to my parent's room (i don't know why). grabbed a pack of playing cards, started shuffling them and we started playing poker. well, some card game that resembled poker at least. this is when shit stared hitting the fan. we had almost finished the vodka bottle, only a couple of shots left, so to make things interesting, anyone who lost a hand had to take a shot of vodka mixed with j&b whiskey (kids, don't). worst. idea. ever. we were all pretty drunk already. bogart got a really unlucky streak. he lost hand after hand after hand. oh my god i swear, iv'e never seen anyone drink as much as he did in the space of 10 minutes.
all pandemonium started breaking loose in my parents room. charlie spilled a whole bottle of orange juice on to my parents bed sheets, brian and tom laughing their asses off, eric was running through my parents drawers, i was too drunk to give a fuck and bogart was hopping on my parents bed like a 6 year old. all of a sudden we hear a big strange bang. bogart miss timed a jump and ended up landing on the back of his head on the wooden drawers. he was just out of it. don't think he remembers anything from that point on.
we really didn't know what had just happened, we didn't see him hit the back of his head, we just saw him on the floor dazed. he started slurring his words. "he's just really drunk" we said and continued with the party.
my parents had a secret stash of porn in their room and i started showing them to everyone. someone had the most brilliant idea of putting a porno in the dvd player for bogart to watch so he can start to sober up. i gave him a roll of toilet paper, put in the dvd and left him alone.
it had started to get late. we already had been drinking for about 2 hours or so, so we stopped drinking since some parents were going to pick some of my friends up in an hour or so. we smoked a couple of cigarettes and i decided to go check on bogart as he had been there for 15 mins or so. in fact, he was so quiet that we had totally forgot about him. as soon as i opened up the door i hear a loud smack. his head was standing in front of the door's path. the door vibrated with the ripple effect. he was unconscious. he couldn't talk, he couldn't walk. he was out of it. he was passed out like it was new years eve in 1919. a couple of seconds later, charlie opens the door while bogart was still laying on the floor. bang, the door hit him square on his head again with a bigger impact then the one before.
at that point, seeing the state he was in, lying on the floor naked, drooling out of his mouth, jizz on his torso.. we sobered up just by looking at him. it stated hitting me. it was getting late and he was still unconscious. what are we going to do?
so we carefully picked him up, which proved to be quite the challenge, we put him in the tub and started washing him with cold water just to try to wake him up. reality was starting to hit hard. we started panicking. he wasn't waking up, he just laid in tub motionless. eric started smacking him in the face, whilst letting his head hit the tub every time he slapped him. when all of a sudden, he opened his eyes and stood upright in the tub. we were jubilant. we started clapping, patting each other on the back, we even started chanting his name. the look on his face wasn't quite just right though. about 10 seconds after... he threw up on his bushy penis. closed his eyes and went unconscious again whilst hitting his head on the tub again as he leaned back.
about 5 minutes passed and bogart's phone stated ringing. it was his mum.
some useful background on his mum. we were all scared shitless of bogart's mum. i really don't know her that well to say anything bad about her, i'm sure anything she did she had her reasons for it, but i had seen a younger bogart get a couple of the loudest yells iv'e ever heard and quick beatings from her when he wasn't behaving. let me put it this way. she burnt all of his pokemon trading cards when we were younger just because she heard someone say that they were the devil's playing cards. he had a 1st edition charizard. she was mad in my books.
so, bogart's phone started ringing and we were in panic. what are we going to do? what are we going to say? i gave the phone to tom and told him to stick to the story. tell her we were at the cinema. this is how it went.
tom picks up phone - "hello?"
bogart's mum - "bogart? can i speak to bogart please"
tom - "well, bogart can't talk to you at the moment. we were at the cinema watching a movie. during the intermission (yes, we have intermissions in the middle of a movie in malta) he told us that he was going to buy a coke and some snacks. he said he would be right back. the movie finished and bogart never came back to his seat. we went looking around for him until we found him laying next to a garbage skip, unconscious. now we're at dylan's house.
bogart's mum - *bleep bleep bleep*. she hung up.
we just kept staring at tom. his improvisation just made this whole ordeal worse.
all shit started breaking loose. in a space of a minute, we hid all of the evidence. the alcohol, the cigarettes, cups. we washed bogart, no one wanted anything to do with his now hurly bushy penis, so we left that as that. we picked bogart up off from the tub and dressed him up. charlie and eric bailed out. they said each of their parent's had arrived (simultaneously), but we all know you guys were scared shitless!
to this day, i haven't seen a more dramatic scene then what was about to occur. much more drama then a martin scorsese movie.
we hear four loud knocks on the door. the door never had received such a banging. i went to open the door, whilst diarrhea oozing out of my shorts. as soon as i opened, she rushed in yelling "where is bogart??". she ran through the house. found him in the bathroom just unconscious as he will ever be. she grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him up against the wall like it was nothing. "what did you do??" *slap in the face* "what did you take?" *harder slap in the face*. "what did he do? where did you find him??" we kept sticking to our stories and told her what tom had already said to her. she dragged bogart through the corridor, put him right next to the door, when bogart's father arrived.
the man was inflamed. his face all red, gnashing his teeth together. what a sight that was. one handed, he grabbed him by his shirt, pulled him up, he didn't need a wall to support his dead weight, and started smacking him all over the face.
bogart's dad in a devilish tone - "whaaaat did youu doooo??"
"answeeeeeeeeeeer meeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
bogart's mum - "nooo don't hurt him!!" (she had already slapped a tooth away)
after some more yelling, his dad picked him up and lifted him on to his shoulder, opened the door and his had rattled on the side of the solid wood door. all in total, he hit his head five times, not to mention all the slapping on his face. i thought to myself that it was finally over. once again i was sadly mistaken.
brian, tom and i started to clean up the house. we went and threw all of the alcohol, cups, juices & cigarettes in a field a few minutes away from my house. bogart left his wallet and phone behind so we went to give bogart's parents his stuff back, only to be greeted by blue flashing lights. bogart was getting stretchered into an ambulance and that is when we all realized that his condition could be worse then we had thought. it was really a heartbreaking site. neighbors gathering outside, his mum crying her eyes out and his dad is still in shock. brian went to give them his stuff back. they gave us this horrible stare like they were saying this is all your fault. suddenly, i was struck with this immeasurable amount of guilt.
tom decided to sleep over at brian's house and i went back to my house to finish cleaning up and get some sleep. it was about 1 am and my parents still haven't arrived back home yet. i was in bed but my thoughts warn't allowing me to sleep. i felt like my mind was going crazy from all the guilt and worry i was feeling at the moment. i hear the telephone ringing. i picked it up and it was the doctor examining bogart at the hospital. he told me to explain in detail what had happened. he obviously didn't buy it. he told me it would be near impossible to lift bogart for that distance. he knew what he was talking about because we found it hard to lift him from the tub, let alone lift him for a 30 minute walk from the cinema to my house. still, i kept to the story and he ended hanging up on me.
it was getting late and i managed to fall asleep, barely. even in my dreams all i saw was guilt. i woke up at about 8 am and i find my mother in the hall way. the first thing she said was what is this smell of alcohol in the house? i couldn't keep it in. i told everything that had happened the night before. better to tell her myself then to be told by someone else. my mum got all hysterical on my ass. very dramatic woman my mum. even remembering back i get agitated. my dad got woken up by my mum shouting at me. he seemed quite disappointed at me for not keeping my word about being left alone for a night. he seemed more disappointed by the fact that we woke him up at 8 am on a sunday though.
being born as a christian, i hadn't went to church in a few years. i called up brian and told him to meet me outside so that we can go to sunday mass. at that time i thought that maybe going to church would help in relieving me of this guilt i was still carrying.
desperately, i pull a 5 euro note from my broke-ass 14 year old pocket and put it in the collection plate to make things right with god again. haha.
just about as the mass was finishing, i get a call from my dad to meet up with him for a second. i got into the car and he explained to me that this stuff happens when you're young. that i needed to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. to not feel so shitty about my self for what happened to bogart. that he should of never drank that much in the first place. he told me "sounds to me you guys had a pretty solid night". from that moment, i was relieved of all my guilt. i had never been treated like that from my father. he realized that i was growing up and that he couldn't treat me as if i was a child anymore. from that point on, i had a different relationship with my dad, quite different from the earlier 14 years.
as for bogart, well.. i was told that he ended up in the hospital with a grade 3 concussion, alcohol intoxication and a tube coming out of his mouth and penis. in the end, he recovered safely within a day. brian got his internet connection disconnected as a request by bogart's mum. she said brian was a bad influence on bogart and she didn't want him to communicate with him anymore. his dad plugged in the internet connection back again after 2 hours. everyone else received a call from bogart's mother, telling everyone's parents what had happened the night before. i ended up getting away scott free cos i had already spilled my guts out.
hope i didn't bore you with this long story for whom ever managed to read all of this.
edit - wow. we made it to the front page guys with 2500+ upvotes !!! i would of never have imagined such a huge feedback. i love you all guys. for the positive comments, the negative ones and those that are just plain weird. thank you!!! some of you really lifted me up today. because of you guys, i now know that maybe i stumbled on a talent that i had gave up on. i'm my biggest critique and i don't belief in myself enough to have that role. i can't stress enough how much this feedback means to me. it truly makes me jubilant inside knowing that i made someone laugh today. but also try to learn from my mistakes so you wouldn't have to be in the same situation yourself. things could of ended much, much worse.
looks like i fucked up a bit. forgot to mention that all names used in the story were all fictional due to keep all people involved in the story anonymous. sorry if i misled anyone. i know how you all love bogart's name. i picked bogart just because i thought it would stand out.. and it did.
for all the haters, this story is 100% real. i wish that i was capable of writing a fiction story great as this.
a huge surge of comments are coming in. i can't keep up. i will reply to many of them when i get the chance.
i will be posting other crazy shit that happened to me on /r/tifu. so till next time redditors!
lets hear it one more time for bogart!
edit - thank you who ever gave me reddit gold. really appreciate it!!!
Output: threw a house party. 5-7 shots of vodka mixed with j&b, underage guest gets fucked up, penis vomit & concussions, ambulances & hospitals and a penis tube.
Input: Consider Input: Text: i own a small business, and was recently talking to a former employee who had left last year to pursue a career as a yoga teacher. she's a young woman in her mid-20s. i'm a 50ish male. she told me that she has been studying a form of massage/body treatment and that she needs to have a certain number of hours of clinical experience in order to continue her training at the next level.
she has been recruiting friends and family to be the subjects of her treatments, and is offering a sharply reduced rate because she’s still a student and can’t advertise yet.
i arranged to have an hour treatment with her, and we agreed on a time and the place. she suggested i wear loose shorts.
when i arrived, she brought me to a typical clinical massage room with a table draped in a sheet. she told me to hang my things up. i was surprised she stayed in the room while i undressed, but i’m not body conscious so i stripped to my shorts.
being used to having registered massage therapy while fully nude but under the sheet, i said, “so...shorts on?”
“whatever you’re comfortable with,” she said.
“i’m more comfortable without them, but i don’t want you to be creeped out. are you sure?”
“yeah,” she said. “go ahead.”
i dropped my shorts and picked them up, folding them to place them on a stool behind me. naked, i turned back to face her.
“oh my,” she said. “i didn’t think it would be that big!” and began touching...
ok, that last part isn’t true. after i turned back towards her, i found her looking stressed with her face turned up and away.
“i thought you had something under them!” she said. “put them back on!”
i did so, and apologized. i explained that i’ve been a social nudist for a long time and being naked in front of someone isn’t a big deal for me – that’s why i asked. we both laughed about it, and the rest of the session was fine. i discovered that part of what she does is to examine things like how i stand, bend over, etc while holding my feet – clearly, not the most comfortable thing for either of us if i was nude.
things are cool now – we’ve already booked a second session.
| Output: my former employee and i miscommunicated and i got nakie in her face.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: happened a couple years ago and hate myself every time i think about.
i was a typical nobody-matters-but-me kind of teenager and was in the same boring lunch line at school when i see a lunch lady grabbing a giant fucking platter of the greasiest saltiest most mouthwatering potato wonderfucks. my mind instantly tells my body to track down my pray and devour it. but sense i wasn't in the line where the plate was going i had to get behind some of my other equally snobby peers to get to it. not that bad. the only problem is that the people in from of my are the largest people i have ever seen in my life. the type of person that gets $7 school lunches a day by buying extra crap. there were three if i recall correctly and they each got the same amount of fries. a shitload. after the second is done another kid enters the line eye balling the fries. this kid looks like the most ginger person ever. freckles everywhere and hair the color of fire. he also is a kid who i see almost daily in the "special" class. (my class at the time was right next to it) after the final fatass is done shoveling french fries all over his tray, i see there is one more normal sized portion of french fries. in the moment of debating whether i should do the right thing and let the other kid get some or if i should get them i don't notice the fries the three bulky gluttons collectively threw all over the floor. my shoulder devil murders my shoulder angel in cold blood and i go for the fries. i walk away got in line to pay. i then forget i needed to get a milk and turned around to see the kid on the ground crying while picking up some of the floor fries and trying to eat them. he can't even get those because the teacher helping him get his lunch stopped him. i feel some bad i tell him i will give him my fries. i see his face light up so happily i am blinded my his pale skin and somehow whiter teeth. he is so happy he is doing a little dance. i start to walk towards his with my fries and don't notice those pesky fries on the ground. i chuckle a little and say "here you go" as i proceed to slip on the puddle of grease made by those fries and basically tackle the kid. knocking him over created a domino effect hitting the teacher or tried to catch herself on that hail that holds up trays. her hand accidentally flips over the kids tray knocking it all onto him. my tray's food items were all over his chest. my milk exploded into a horrible chocolate mess drenching both of our shirts. the tray that was his puts a pizza slice right onto his face and carrot everywhere. trying to get a grasp of the situation i get up and proceed to step on this poor poor kids hand. the shoes i had on were big so his hand was completely stepped upon. i jump back after hearing that familiar cry watch in sadness as he tries to pick up a soggy chocolate french fry and eat it. only to get that slapped out of his hands. i walk away as he is sobbing and pass all my friends trying to ask what had happened. a friend i still know remembered that day and told me that the only word i would say was "nope" over and over again. i pass them and go to my science teacher in her room and ask for a towel. she gave me one while i waited in her room for lunch to be over. i told her the story and she thought it was hilarious. throughout the story she let out bursts of laugher while trying to keep a straight face.
morale of the story, take what's yours and don't look back.
typing that makes me feel the exact same way i did that day. like a piece of greasy salty shit.
Answer: got the last of some good fries. made special kid cry. offered to give him the fries. he gets happy. i crush his dreams of getting the fries by quite literally crushing them by falling on him and the fries. i step on his hand on accident. leave without saying more than one word. try to forget it happened.
Question: Text: obligatory, this happened last week.
so i live in an apartment complex and i had a new neighbor move in across the way. i've been studying for the texas bar for approximately 3 months, hovered over my computer and reading law. basically, i've had pretty minimal human contact. now, i'm not normally socially awkward, quite the opposite, but i guess i'm so out of practice, i couldn't help myself. as i exited my apartment, my new neighbor exited simultaneously. she is approximately in her younger 20s. here is the exchange:
me- "oh hi, are you our new neighbor?"
her- "yes"
me- "well nice to meet you, i'm aulstin, and i live in the apartment across from you with my wife, (wife's name)"
her- "nice to meet you."
*this is where i get weird*
me- "so do you have anyone else living with you?"
*why did i ask that?*
her- "no...well, i live with my dog."
me -"well, i'll let you know if i see any suspect characters hanging around."
*what?!? what does that mean*
her- nervous laughter, "ok."
edit: formatting.
Answer: - divulge of human contact, i make awkward conversation with my brand new neighbor, who probably thinks i'm crazy
Question: Text: i woke up shirtless and hungry. my problem was that i'm officially out of good food. i haven't been to the store lately and all i have left now is the generic brand ramen noodles. so shirtless me decides to make that for lunch so, stove on, pot filled with water and ramen contents. fast-forward to transferring the soup to a bowl. in the process of transfer, i don't notice that i'm a fucking idiot and i let boiling water touch my hand as i'm pouring. like a moron, i drop the bowl, causing contents that made it into the bowl to splash on the stove and onto me. i drop the pot and get more boiling water thrown onto my body. so today i've been sitting with second degree burns on my stomach, arms and a bad one on one of my nips. luckily, i know what to do in a situation like this and i've patched myself up quite nicely.
Answer: | i spilled boiling soup water on myself and now have second degree burns on the upper half of my body.
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: this happened over the weekend and i'm still processing it.
i (24 m) used tinder once before and met a cool chick and it didn't work out so i decided to try again, what could go wrong right?
so after a few days of using tinder, i stopped launching the app but left my profile active, so i kept getting a few matches. well one night my friends and i decide to go bar hopping in a pretty well popular area because why not?
we're all pretty smashed at a bar, and i'm wearing the same sweater in my profile picture. apparently some girl i matched with sent me a few messages (i checked it was 10 within a 2 hour period) and i never responded. she recognizes me and starts yelling at me! mind you i didn't have any idea what was going on as i'm drunk off my ass.
she's going psycho saying "wtf theadventuringpanda, why did you never respond to me?!" i responded with "who are you?".
apparently this drove her nuts. she started yelling combinations of words i've never heard before, then she grabbed my drink and threw it in my face, then security came and threw us both out on our asses. she then followed my buddies and i to the car and is yelling and screaming still. while we were driving off she threw her shoe at the car. my buddies were laughing the entire time.
i think i'm just gonna stay inside for the rest of my life.
Output: psycho lady ruined the party cause i didn't respond to her tinder messages.
Input: Consider Input: Text: hi, guys. so, this happened about two weeks ago, but the punishment rolled in yesterday when i was scheduled to work. a little backstory first:
i work at a place that sells unique, authentic and always affordable items part-time while i finish off my last last year and a half at my university. my position at said store is the beer and wine manager. what that means is that i order all the wines and beer that the store needs for the week, but also acting as a manager when the others are busy.
now, for the last few months or so, i've made life difficult for the management staff and myself. i wasn't happy working there anymore as the company wasn't doing too well. (remember that motto from earlier? complete bs. go buy their shit on amazon and save some money.) the company started rolling out aggressive schematics that were to be enforced by the district managers and the suits that run visual merchandising. this was fine for me because i loved my department. talking about beer and wine all day was great and i've made connections with tons of people and got them to love specific beverages. my department looked impeccable every damn day. but, over time, i became fatigued of holding myself to such high standards with the addition of management never acknowledging their (mostly student) workforce. my coworkers and i would constantly joke about how we'd do everything and the managers would sit in the office on their phones, looking at snapchats, texting, looking at golfing sites, etc. (i've seen them doing all this even when we were swamped and could use the extra hand).
now, at this point, i have been looking around for another job because i need to get out of their before i pull my hair out at all the hypocrisy. i've found a few labs on campus that i could apply to and actually gain experience in my science background. plus, i would have to leave this job as fall quarter would barely leave me any availability for the hours required for my position.
here is the fuck: i just got suspended. why? being angry and blowing up on one of my managers for the hypocrisy because i finally had enough of that high-pitched screech that she calls a voice of hers, i've been needing a pinot noir that our warehouse had tons of, but they couldn't be bothered to send me a case for god knows what reason despite me only having 3 bottles on hand. so, i created a fake customer request for someone named hugh jass and mike hunt who both wanted this wine. i then create the order under the name of someone we'll call laura (a very universally hated employee with the absolute worst attitude i have ever observed). i did this and time passed on. a few days later corporate shit themselves when they saw hugh jass. mike hunt was ok, but hugh jass wasn't apparently.
so, corporate is launching an investigation (why launch an investigation when we actually needed the wine and it was such a silly act.. not even funny.. just stupid.), to which i believe is an excuse to waste some time at their headquarters. my manager said i could either voluntarily resign or be suspended without pay indefinitely. i chose the latter because i'll have found something in the meantime since the corporate machine is really, painfully slow.
and that's it! my time there was exposed me to beer and wine distribution and i have created all of the connections that i needed. i'm thankful for that and not much else. time to go find a job that pays less/better and will actually be fulfilling :)
Output: i finally found a reason to leave my unfulfilling job and make management look bad to corporate at the same time.
Input: Consider Input: Text: this happened about 2 years ago, i was a high schooler with a lot of after school activities, friends and followers. pretty much the social life at my school. now since i had multiple after school things going on i was in different schools as well to work together on regional stuff. since i like to make friends and followers i casually post about 2 times a day to instagram. i decided it was a great idea to find a empty room and take a picture of myself in the 2 schools i went to. one being in the early morning and one later in the afternoon at those schools that are within 20 miles of each other. now after the events that happened that day here is where the fuck up happens. i said earlier that i had a lot of followers, now being the person i am i have a decent amount of one and a half sided friendships(basically i only get a response on some topics). with that i had some girl(we shall call her amy) that was one of the more popular girls, amy had a class with me, but on the other side of the room. so we talked in and out of passing period or during team projects. now i usually get the insta blown up by like requests so i turned off notifications and visit it once or twice a day. so i didn't expect her(or anybody really) to make a big deal. she thought i went mad and broke into both schools and showed her dad. dad had read the "common sense for dummies" book and called the police and it went downhill from here, the next day rolls around like a typical tuesday. i didn't hear anything about this "break-in" so i never got any kind of idea what would happen next. in 7th hour i was called to the office, my first thought was "why the fuck am i needed?", so i go to the office with a bit of a sign of discomfort. i go into the vice principals office and i am greeted by 2 cops and the vice. i was semi petrified as most people would be if they had 2 cops on them for something they were unaware of. i was told that i was suspected of breaking and entering, likely hey thought i stole tv's or some shit. so they had somebody lock the door from the outside and guard it. i explained that i had taken pictures and i said i had a after school club. they said that they would review the footage and get back, but they had put my house on watch and had searched all our vehicles for stolen items. i go down to my after school and we did a normal(in-school) day. upon leaving i got kicked off the club until the police report was settled. "well fuck me." i thought and i went to bed, pissed off. i got a call from the police that they saw i was in for legit reasons and that i was temporarily banned from instagram and those 2 school for 3 months after they verified it all. after that i pretty much lost a good amount of friends and followers. at least i still had friends that i knew to be trustworthy. after all of it it seemed to simmer down after that year for most people, except amy.
| Output: posted a suspicious image and got the police involved thinking i broke into a school. lost friends and got banned from the schools and social media for 3 months.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: well, unlike most of tifu this actually just happened today. i was laying in bed and my arm had gotten sore, when i rolled over it felt like i had pulled a muscle. so not wanting it to get any worse i grabbed a big ice pack from the freezer and began to apply it to my shoulder. 5 minutes later i decided to remove it and see how my shoulder felt. this was when i realized i had fucked up.... my skin on my shoulder was literally frozen and white with frost. it was weird because i didn't feel the usual tingly feeling that shows maybe its time to take this cold pack off... now i have a big red spot on my shoulder and am hoping it doesn't blister up.
Example Output: had sore shoulder put ice pack on with no barrier and got ice burn.
Example Input: Text: yesterday i decided to donate blood because there was a bad accident on the freeway near my house and the blood bank was in dire need of blood. so i decided to go give them my blood and all went great. when i finished the people there warned me to take an easy for next 24 hours and drink lots of fluids, as they always do. i knew i had work the next day as a caregiver to substitute for someone else, but i figured it wouldn't be strenuous work since all i really had to do was shadow the client and it would be okay to go.
well i went to work today and around lunch time, my client and i started walking toward his favorite restaurant that was like 5 minutes away. he goes there every day and he has his caregivers go with him, so i was just going along with his daily routine. all of a sudden, half-way there, i start feeling light-headed and feel the slightest hints of a headache. however, i ignore it and keep walking, telling myself i can rest when we get to the restaurant.
my body decided it wasn't having that. my vision started blurring and before i knew it, it was getting really hard to think. i couldn't walk straight and i felt myself getting sucked into a void. i called out to my client, telling him to stop, but he couldn't hear me since he's hard of hearing and just kept going without me. i wanted to keep following him, but i couldn't take it anymore and collapsed on the lawn of a carl's jr nearby. all i could do was watch some ants crawl on some blades of grass before i closed my eyes and blacked out.
i was able to wake up about ten seconds later or so, but when i did, my client was gone. i knew he was probably at the restaurant without me, but i had no idea which one he was at since there were like 5 places to eat in the area. so i had to call my agency and tell them what happened, and they eventually were able to figure out where he liked to eat from caregivers who took care of him before. after i figured that out, i managed to get inside of carl's jr and order some food, which gave me enough energy to meet my client at his restaurant not far from where i was. he was quite fine when i found him, and it all worked out in the end. even my agency wasn't upset at me really.
Example Output: gave blood to blood bank, went to work next day, passed out on a walk and nearly lost client.
Example Input: Text: some background: a good friend of mine, whom i will call "bob", and i work for our local school system in the it department as sys admins. a month ago, a group of us from work got together on the weekend and did one of those escape games that are so popular right now. (if you haven't heard of these, a group is locked in a room and have an hour to escape it by following clues and solving puzzles. they are a lot of fun.) the theme of our escape game was "prison break", and, as part of the experience, the place we were at took a fake “mug shot" of each player with their name and an alias.
we played the escape game, made it out with just over four minutes left, and had an absolute blast.
so after the game, i posted pictures of everyone's mug shot on facebook. when i get to bob's picture, being a good friend, i added the caption, "arrested for public nudity".
[here is the picture of bob](http://i.imgur.com/rodrzzo.jpg)
the school resource officer, who we will call john, was part of the group that went with us. (for those of you outside the us: a school resource officer is a sworn-in law enforcement agent that is permanently stationed at a school. they carry guns, have powers of arrest, etc. most public high schools have an sro.) john saw the fake mug-shot of bob with my caption and thought it was hilarious. so he shared it on his facebook page.
being the sro, john is facebook friends with teachers, administration, and school board members. they all see this fake mug shot with my caption........and the rumors begin about bob.
fast forward a month. bob and i were on skype last night playing a game of league of legends when a mutual friend and teacher, “steve”, messaged me on facebook.
"bob got arrested!?" he asked.
at this point, bob and i had no idea how big the rumors had gotten. talking on skype, we decide to mess with steve a bit.
"yeah, absolutely." i reply. "he was arrested for public nudity."
"so it's true!? call me and tell me what happened." steve quickly types back.
so i call him and put the phone on speaker so bob can hear. i make up this completely fabricated story about how bob was accused of shoplifting in wal-mart and he got so angry, he stripped naked to prove he hadn't hidden anything in his clothes, then goose-stepped around the store completely nude while giving the nazi salute and shouting "heil hitler and his wal-mart army!"
steve completely buys this bullcrap story i made up on the spot, while bob is dying laughing in my ear.
after steve's initial shock wore off, i asked him where he heard about bob's arrest. he said some fellow teachers told him, and they saw his mug-shot on facebook.
i directed steve to john's facebook page and advised him to take a really hard look at the mug-shot. when he did, he saw the company's logo and the fact that it was, obviously, completely fake.
bob and i shared a good laugh, but steve was a little more serious. "you know a lot of people think that photo was real.” he said. this caused us to laugh even harder. the idea that a large group of educated, intelligent people was fooled an obviously-fake photo and a caption was hilarious. steve tries to sober our enthusiasm. “the board of education had a meeting tonight, and bob’s alleged arrest was on the agenda.”
bob and i were silent for a few seconds before absolutely losing it. i fell out of my chair i was laughing so hard. the school board had talked about our dumb photo. the idea was too ridiculous.
sure enough, today bob and i were called in to three different meetings to answer questions about the silly photo. we met with the director of schools, our boss, and a meeting with several members of the board of education. the director of schools was especially angry about the situation.
“do you think it’s appropriate to be putting something like that on facebook when you work in the public sector?” she asked me. i calmly replied that our school system didn’t have a social media policy in place (bob and i had been pushing for one for about six months with little success), so there were no rules broken. i further said that this entire situation would have been resolved with a single call to bob, john, or i. we could have explained the situation then before it made it to the board of education. she didn’t like my answer, but she had little in the way of rebuttals. (“well, you’re going to have to explain this all the school board!”)
the three board members tried not to laugh as we explained the situation to them. they agreed with me that a simple phone or meeting would have explained everything before it got to them.
-----
Example Output: | so at the end of the day, a simple, fake mugshot and a caption had an entire school district, up to the board of education, convinced that my coworker was arrested for public nudity. that’s the american education system at work folks!
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: first of all happy mother's day!
so now late as usually my sisters and me split a few presents for my mom and my sister told me to come upstairs to sign the letter, but i was in the middle of something so i said i would come up in a minute. not knowing that she was giving my mom the presents in a few minutes so she brought the letter down to me with my mom sitting on the couch 15 feet from me so i hid the letter behind my ipad and was looking at my mom to make sure she didnt see me and then i went to bite the cap off of the sharpie since i was holding the card in 1 hand and my ipad in the other and it was already open... and i bit the open part. needless to say sharpie doesnt taste amazing or good at all and i gagged for a bit. thankfully my mom didnt notice.
Solution: | sharpie ink doesnt taste good | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
Text: okay, so this actually happened today, a plus for me i presume. well i have a hard time waking up in the morning and getting the motivation to go to school since i've been depressed. that's besides the fact as i am now making amends and waking up at 5 to go work out and let go of that extra stress. well i apparently have twenty two tardies in my first period class, for those who aren't familiar with the american school system, that's a lot. now my school has these tardy passes that you get in the morning and give to your teacher... rip everyone who comes in late.
my depression made our school do tardy sweeps in the morning...
Text: tifu, actually this isn't from today but rather 2 years ago. back then i was 16 years old. i do have to mention that i have never been the most athletic guy (except for basketball, i am surprisingly good at it), i am quite short and at the time i wore very very nerdy glasses.
there was this super super hot girl i had a crush on, i am talking a 12/10 girl and after fighting my shyness i managed to talk to her and befriend her in my pe class. we didn't really do anything in the class except play with some cards. anyways i still hadn't managed to get her phone number but i didn't have the guts to ask for it. so this one time coaches allow one side of the court for basketball and the other for volleyball. and of course i tried to show off playing basketball in front of her. i constantly looked at her and smiled and she smiled back as she watched me, apparently it was working. i do have to say that i moved to the united states from mexico and i played a little soccer, i am not good but i can get some respect. anyways one of the volleyball people get their ball right where i am at and super smart me decides to show off some of my soccer skills. i prepare myself and kick the ball extremely hard because they volleyball courts were a little far. i believe that is the time i have kicked a ball the hardest in my entire life. and all of a sudden i can see the ball head towards my crush, i watched it as if it was in slo mo. i couldn't do anything about it. and baaam!! headshot, i hit her right in the face and knocked her unconscious. i run towards her just as other people did. her nose was bleeding and she was slowly gaining consciousness. i apologized with all my might, but it was all for nothing. she left school that day and came back the next day. she didn't talk to me ever again. i was so close to getting her number and i fucked it up by trying to impress her.
| had crush on gorgeous girl, had a chance of getting her number and tried to impress her with my soccer skills, ended up knocking her unconscious and ruining all my chances of getting her number.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so i saw that one of my friends liked a post on facebook, and being curious i looked into it. it went something like this "omg [girl] just posted a video of herself masturbating". i looked into it and found out she was supposedly 13. thats where i should have stopped. i continued onto a facebook community of the girl and found the 30 second long video and watched it, thinking it was a joke or something. it wasn't. i think i'm going to nuke my hard drive now.
i'm 17 for reference.
Solution: | 13 year olds and facebook are bad. very bad. | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: ah. my first tifu post. man, i gotta say, i was hoping for something a little more... embarrassing, to say the least. but this shall haunt me nonetheless. i hope this suffices, and that others can draw a little amusement from my pain. bonus points for this happening about one minute ago?
this tale began like any other, on this an ordinary tuesday night. until... my fateful blunder. earlier, i had succumbed to the desperate need for sugar. chocolates, candies, desserts - *something!* the answer came from a fellow redditor, via the suggestion of homemade sugar cookies. eureka! thus i began my preparations immediately, preheating the oven to a toasty 350f, and blending the sugar and butter seamlessly. little did i know what horrors were lurking around the corner. the first batch came out without a hitch, exiting their baking glory a golden brown, and delicious. i loaded the second tray into the oven for the traditional twelve minutes, all going according to plan. the timer goes off, and they are perfection. but that perfection was moments away from shattering. as i went to transfer the cookie sheet from the oven to the stove top, i got overzealous. i placed the sheet on the stove, but to my dismay, i set it at a precarious angle. it all unfolded like a slow-motion scene from a movie with the car balancing on the edge of a cliff. it tottered for a second, and time slowed to a crawl. i made a desperate lunge toward the scalding metal right as it plunged off the edge, taking with it my twenty innocent taste-bud warriors. my urge to grab the sheet was stifled only by the knowledge of the inevitable burn that would await me if i did so. i watched helplessly as my masterpieces crumbled all over the floor. i cried out in pure agony. as those lovely cookies cascaded towards the floor, so did my heart. i collapsed beside the cookies and wept for the lives lost on this grave night, slowly collecting their remains and placing them gently in the heartless equalizer - the trash can. they gave a valiant effort but, alas, it was not enough. their memory lives on in my burnt, swollen fingertips. farewell, sweet ones. your lives were cut tragically short.
Ex Output:
i am a graceless hippo and my precious cookies disintegrated on the floor as i cried unapologetically. i also ate way too much cookie dough. i regret nothing.
Ex Input:
Text: i'm a fucking idiot!! i bought a joint and muscle pain relief cream and used it without reading the packaging. what i failed to read is that it burns like a mother fucker and that it is a bell pepper cream (legit the same as pepper spray). an itchy eye and a piss later and i'm half blind, unable to open my eyes and living my worst possible nightmare..... it took approximately 18 hours for the burning sensation all over my body (i used the cream on my arms, legs and chest) to dissipate. it didn't matter how much i washed my hands or soaked them in milk, every time i touched my eyes or dick instant burning like the heat of a thousand suns. to make things a little bit worse imagine your dad walking in on you with your dick in a glass of milk and trying to explain what was going on....
Ex Output:
i did the equivillent of pepper spraying myself in both the eyes and the dick.
Ex Input:
Text: first of all sorry for bad format, and grammar im first time poster and english is 2nd language. backstory: i had to create an acccount just to post them because i am so embarrased(and ashamed) at the same time. nobody knows of what i did and i'm super anxious to tell someone.. anyone.. which is why im posting here today. anyways i have a friend lets call him kenny he has the period after mine, i have 5th period math he has 6th period math. he is my best friend ever since i move to the u.s from brazil
so its around 12:50 and i am at my last period of the day at my highschool. i took a "zero" period which means i get out earlier but just get up earlier in the morning (6:45). anyways, i'm in math and my teacher we'll call him tony is an absolute asshole. he always suspects me of getting out of class and smoking pot or something. just because i ask to use the restroom "alot". and i swear he has it out for me, he has even said that he thinks i dont belong in "here." anyways during the lecture i felt my stomach grumble and i felt it. the thing we've all felt before, the urge to shit for an hour on the toilet. i saw that we only had 15 minutes left but i told myself i couldnt hold it in and i asked my teacher if i could go which he responded with an abrupt "no." i pleaded with him but he said that i had to pay attention or i would fail the upcoming test.(which is bs because i've gotten a b or higher on all his tests and he suspects me of cheating almost everytime) i tried to hold it in as long as i could while still managing to take some notes. i saw the clock.. "yes its almost time to go!" a second later my stomach said nope and i literally shit in my pants. i was wearing jeans so it wouldnt be as bad as if i wore shorts. i quickly survey the room to see if anyone noticed but they were too busy engaged in their own conversation and "tony" correcting some papers. the bell rings and i quickly get up, ready to make a mad dash out of the class. i looked at my seat to see that the seat had chunks of poo and was dripping with my poo fluids. i honestly felt bad for the next person but i was too worried about myself. i left the class and the school sprinting while clenching my ass. the next day my friend approached me and he looked very distraught, he said that someone shit in the seat before him and all the kids think its him. my heart stops and my mind racing. i try to comfort him while debating with myself if i should tell him or not. fastfoward a few hours and im here posting this.
i ask you r/tifu what should i do should i not tell and let my best friend take the fall for it or tell the truth and basically commit social suicide?
Ex Output:
| shit on seat in math class, kids think its my best friends. don't know if i should tell the truth or not.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: so this week is finals week and i'm moving along happily day by day until today(wednesday). i have a final at 6 o'clock so a couple hours before the exam i'm studying for it, seeing as it won't be too hard based on the midterm. well i pack up to go the exam and when i get there i find it completely empty. i get a little nervous but think it's no big deal since i was there fifteen minutes early. eventually it turns six and now i'm freaking out thinking it might have been a different room, so i check the rooms nearby but no one was there. now i'm getting really scared and trying to think back on something the teacher might have said but i couldn't think of anything. so i look up the final exam schedule for the quarter and i look at my class. it says the final was on tuesday, i just stare at my phone in disbelief and pray for some sort of miracle. nothing happens. so i go back to my dorm and email the teacher for a make up explaining the situation. still waiting on the reply. i went through an entire quarter and if i dont take the final i'll have to retake the class.
i got ready to take my final exam and find
out it was the day before.
edit: teacher emailed me telling me there's no way to make up the exam. looks i'm having her next quarter again.
Ex Output:
Ex Input:
Text: messed up the title foot scraper not food .
reddit i fucked up.
it all happened about a week ago, i returned home after a night out and was still extremely drunk.
i walk to the bathroom and prepare myself to go to bed. suddenly in the corner of my eye i see something i have never seen ( [this bastard!] ( http://g-ecx.images-amazon.com/images/g/02/uk/pcs/aplus/velvet_pedi_main.png))
drunk me inspects the object and comes to the conclusion that this must be used for scraping dead skin of your forehead.
i scrape my forehead and drunk me is pleased with the result, i go upstairs and fall asleep instantly.
a few hours later i wake up cause my stomach is hurting like a bitch. i go to the toilet do my business, and as i leave i give myself a look in the mirror.
i freak the fuck out i have scratches everywhere on my forehead. i have no idea how they got there cause i have a bad habit of getting blackouts/brownouts.
i quickly realize the best course of action is to disinfect the wounds. i grab my aftershave and pour some of it in my hand and rub it over my head .
i screamed.
my face was burning, it is the most painful thing ever to happen to me.
i try to figure out what happened to my face. i go through my photo album on my phone. there are pictures from right before i left the party witch show my forehead smooth as fuck.
as i put my phone away i see him/her from the corner of my eye. foot scraper is laughing at me. i get a flashback and realize what had happened.
one week later: skin is getting back to normal. after 1 day my forehead was covered with crust. i told everyone i ran in to a wall while i was drunk. the amount of times i had hear "what happens to your face" this week was mind blowing.
Ex Output:
foot scrapers are made for scraping feet not faces
Ex Input:
Text: early this morning / late last night a girl i know came over to mess around for a while and spend the night. we got into it, and eventually moved into the infamous 69 position. while we were going at it, the girl, who had been originally chewing gum at the beginning of her visit, apparently dropped the drum out of her mouth and onto on my thigh. unbeknownst to me, the gum nestled itself between my gooch and left thigh, and greeted me with a lovely rip, tear, and pull of the hair when she woke me up to say goodbye around 6 a.m. i think i would be doing y'all an injustice if i failed to mention that, to really seal the tifu, she delivered two hefty, gusty queefs right in my face while we were in that same position.
i can only fucking hope that she is not crazy enough to purposefully stick a piece of gum in my gooch and deliver a couple pussyfarts as some sort of fetish :/
edit: i have a picture of the gum remains if i must provide
edit 2: grammar
edit 3: [as requested...](http://i.imgur.com/j44twgt.jpg)
Ex Output:
| a drunk girl gave me head and dropped her gum into my gooch without me knowing it, and queefed in my face twice.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: so this fu happened yesterday night. i was at my local bar where all the college kids go. it was fucking packed and everything was going pretty well. meeting new people, talking to some chicks and what have you. well i go to the batthroom, when i come out this easily 8/10 chick taps me on the shoulder. i turn around and she says "your jacket is incredible".(i was wearing my favorite leather jacket) i respond to this compliment with "i know" and then walked off. took me about ten minutes to realize the magnitude of my fuck up.
edit: spelling
Solution: | could have got laid, was an ass hole instead. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: ok, so here's the story. i use this computer at school to browse reddit all the time, and so i log in so i can comment on all my fave subreddits.
anyways, so this computer gets shared by like 5 different people, and i accidentally left myself logged in, and now they've begun to slowly take my account and turn it into their own. i've begun to notice a few new posts on subs i don't even frequent, and i think it must be one or two of them. i know they fuck with my facebook and gmail too, because they definitely liked some softcore porn pages on facebook, and spam messaged all my contacts.
the problem is, i am getting all sorts of karma, and i don't know if i want to mess it up by changing my password.
A: | people be using my reddit account for shits 'n' giggles. | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: so i work as a level 1 it help desk/computer repairs technician for a small company. my boss is a woman in her early 40's, and she was having router troubles at home. no problem, i can stop over on my way home, fix her router up in 10 minutes and earn some brownie points.
i arrive at the house, ring the doorbell, and wait. keep in mind, this is an expensive house in the rich part of town. these are the sort of people who have more money than i'll ever earn and are extremely proud of it. typical rich bastards, but having them on your side comes in handy more often than not.
20 seconds later an old man answers the door. he looks about 65.
me: "oh hi, you must be carol's... dad?" <- mistake #1 what a moron
him: "husband."
his face looked like i just ripped a massive fart an inch from his nose. he must have been wondering who the hell i was.
me: "oh, umm... well. you look a lot older than carol." <- can i get any dumber?
him: "can i help you boy?"
i then explain to him why i'm there, and he lets me in. i get to work on the router, when my friend calls my cell and wants to talk. i start chatting away, assuming the husband is still in the kitchen, when i say: "yeah i'm just at my boss's house fixing the internet for her pedophile husband."
pedophile husband walks in.
him: "excuse me?"
i immediately go bright red and hang up on my friend.
me: "oh um, the internet's fixed, let me know if you have any more issues, thanks!"
and i practically sprint out the door.
Example Output: i'm really samrt
Example Input: Text: tifu in 2006, of course. i was in 4th grade and was trying to catch up with my friend who was going inside of the school building that morning. the entrance to the school got new doors that had those self-closing hinges on them. totally new for this shitty school. so anyway, i didn't know they closed on their own, so i was sprinting and of course, the corner of the door just jams into my toe, very badly. i was wearing these awesome light-up tennis shoes, but the corner of the door sliced through a bit of the sole, and i could totally feel my toe jam up and crack. although i squealed and knew i was hurt, my purpose in life at that very moment was to catch up to my friend and scare her. so i fought back tears, continued running and jump-scared my friend quite sucessfully. during class, my toe was throbbing terribly and wiggling it in my shoe was impossible. i was a total loser in that class and was a bully-bullseye, so standing up and walking around the class would result in limping, and tons of creative name-calling, which i did not want to deal with. so i asked my one and only friend if she could ask the teacher if i could go to the nurses office. once done, my teacher rolled her eyes and said "her toe hurts? you're kidding..." and ignored the request. at this point, my fate is sealed. i knew i was gonna get bullied either way. so when is was time for lunch, we walked in a line and of course i limped, everyone notices, including the teacher, and thankfully i was sent to the office immediately without critizism. the nurse was a really chill older woman that always gave out suckers, so i was happy to take my shoe off despite the pain, knowing i would get a cream soda dum-dum. this is where it's gross, so here's your warning. my entire sock was covered in blood. the inside of my once-awesome shoe, too. the nurse had to keep her cool, but i could tell she was freaked out. i didn't give a crap about it, for some reason. she put on gloves and took my sock off and voila! my toenail had busted off completely and was stuck to my toe with only a tiny piece of skin and a clump of blood underneath. so she took the nail off, rinsed off my toe, which was visibly swollen and turning purple, and she sent me home with crutches and three suckers. i never went to the doctor, but the nail grew back and my toe is all good now. but it took months for the pain when wiggling it to go away. pretty sure it broke. i felt like such a badass because i didn't even cry. i later cried when my dad threw away my blood covered light-up shoes though.
Example Output: i busted my toenail running into a door and ignored it for hours, resulting in ruined light-up shoes, three suckers, and a most likely broken toe.
Example Input: Text: more like this entire week i have been fucking up... i started getting sick earlier this week and had some bad nasal congestion, so i began taking sudafed as directed on the box (2 tablets every 4-6 hours). i did this for a few days, about 8 tablets a day, but my illness seemed to be getting worse and was starting to feel like a stomach flu (no vomiting, but bad diarrhea). i recently started a new job and really didn't want to stay home sick already, so i made it to work and just made an absurd number of trips to the bathroom.
well i made it through the week, and this morning i took some more sudafed. only something was wrong with this one; it was red and looked different than the ones i had been taking. i pull the blister pack out of the box and look at the back, and it says sudafed on it. so i pull out the other blister pack (the one i had been taking all week), look at the back, and it reads ... dulcolax, take 1 to 3 tablets daily. not only was i giving myself laxatives, i was taking almost 3 times the maximum recommended dosage. so really i just have a cold and a case of self-inflicted explosive diarrhea.
looking back i consider myself lucky that i didn't reset the counter.
Example Output: | if you take medicine out of the original packaging, you might have a shitty week.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Given the task definition, example input & output, solve the new input case.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input case for you: Text: this happened a few weeks ago. i normally don't give much money to hobos since i'm pretty cheap. so as i was walking down the street, i saw a sad looking hobo who i've seen move trash off from the side walk sometimes and felt generous. i dropped a dollar in the cup and walked down five meters from his spot. another homeless man held up his hand and said to me "high five!" with a cheery attitude. i gave him a high five and reached into my pocket for some change. i handed him whatever i found in there and he thanked me with a whole hearty soul. i walked on and realized he had seen me give the other hobo a dollar bill and hoped i was going to give him a dollar bill too, only to be given a penny.
Output: | false hope is my specialty. | 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: status: ongoing
timeline: june 15th, 2017 - present
this summer, just a couple of months ago in june, we took a trip to orlando, fl. we eventually went to disneyland, and it was there that i bought an iron cross necklace with a fabric string and a metal pendant.
the next morning, my neck started to itch very badly, and through my ridiculous sunburn i started scratching. i survived the trip, but since i've been home i've been trying to get rid of the giant rash on my adam's apple, and surrounding area. i have tried neosporin, hydrocortisone, and a special cream they gave to my grandmother when she was in the nursing home. i have been too lazy to go to urgent care and get silvatine, so i'm making due.
i shave my head every other day, so through my itching in my sleep, i managed to spread it to the back of my head and neck. it is getting absolutely ridiculous, and spreading everywhere.
fast forward to the day before yesterday; my fiancé and i had a beautiful dinner, went to an indie flick (a ghost story) and came home. i was smoking a cigarette on the balcony in our bedroom, when i feel her cold hands creep onto the back of my neck, and i turn around to see my amazing fiancé in just a pair of black high heels with metal stilettos. (apologies for the next part, but it's necessary for the story) needless to say, things got going, and about forty minutes later, i pulled out and came on my fiance's tits. now, anyone who has had sex knows what guys do when they are about to cum, but for any uninitiated, i more or less gave it a couple strokes to completion. mistake.
now, everyone knows that itching spreads rashes, and we all have staph on our skin which also can be transferred. about 30 minutes later, we had a cigarette and she was dozing off to sleep. i ever so gingerly slid out of bed to brush my teeth and put on some hydrocortisone before bed. i changed, went to the bathroom, and as soon as i lay in bed, the itching started, only this time, it wasn't
my neck, my head, or my throat; it was my balls.
i quite literally stopped, mid-itch, and rolled my eyes as i got up to grab more hydrocortisone. just about the time i was putting a quite liberal amount of the white cream on my balls and shaft, my fiancé wakes up and says "interesting choice of lube; if you're thinking about sticking that in me, you better think again, that shit's gonna burn"
i exhaled loudly and we both started laughing.
goddamnit.
| Solution: i bought a necklace at disneyland, got a rash, fucked my fiancé, spread the rash to my gigglestick and ha-ha's and now my balls wont stop itching. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: previous thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/3sxknf/tifu_by_making_my_good_friend_destroy_her_500/
so, **update** time.
this tifu ended up in the frontpage and my inbox is rip at this moment. i've read most post in here and i feel i have a lot to say but i also want to provide an update.
last night i eventually contacted her, she was definitely pissed (and that's a very big understatement). we spoke about it, i even paid her another visit (she lives like 10 minutes away from me). her kitchen was stinking of whateverthefuck foul smell that comes from microwaving electronics. her phone was well destroyed and it was outside of the house in a garbage bag due to the terrible smell (she just placed it in an empty bag, not in the thrash).
we spoke about the situation and how much of an asshole i am for doing this, she trusted me, specially when it comes to tech in general. i fucked up that trust. she also agreed that it was dumb as fuck for microwaving her damn phone so fast.
long story made short, she bought the phone for around $750 when she was in the us. i am currently unemployed and i don't have the money to cover that kind of cost. plus we live in a small country where $750 is huge money, its almost 2 months of salary from my last job.
we agreed that i'll cover about $300 for the cost of a new phone (not specifically an s6) and that i'll repay her over the course of few months.
i know that a lot of people said stuff along the line that "its her fault for believing, i don't owe her anything". this is real life, one can't just use that kind of extreme logic when dealing with people who you care about, specially when you're the one who ends up putting them in such a situation, irrelevant of how gullible they might be. she trusted me, i fucked up. i have to man up and do what's right.
this whole situation humbled me and made me realise that i'll have to be considerate with things i say to people who trust me. i don't want to lose a good friend over material things.
i'd like to take advantage of this moment to answer some queries from various comments.
>your friend is dumb
i get it, there is probably 800 comments about this. the way i see this situation, she trusted the "tech guy" that i am and when she googled the microwave thing, she ended up exactly on a page that encouraged her to do so. it was a train wreak and she got carried into that.
>you're an asshole
i am and i am sorry for that. i screwed up someone's trust and now i am owning to it. i'll make it right.
>go make smarter friends.
this is not how real life works.
>i'd punch your face.
calm down, keyboad warriors.
>why you bolded the phone names?
well, i just wanted to emphasis that the iphone microwave "trick" is, well, for iphone. part of me was assuming she'd figure out its a joke and even in worse case scenario she'd go "oh that's for the iphone, not for the samsaung". well, screw me.
>you say switched off phone and logged off everything but you're logged on reddit? dafuq op?
i assumed that people would understand that when i said "logged off everything" in the context of this tifu, they'd understand that i am referring to stuff like skype/hangout since those messengers are the one i use to be in contact with friends. reddit has not connection with real life friends.
>op wtf is happening in your comment story?!
sorry that i don't cater to your fetish!
Example Output: things settled down, we've agreed that she was silly and i was an asshole. we've also agreed that i'd contribute $300 when i can. i am currently broke and she knows that. i've learned my lesson and i value this friendship. i fucked up and i am going to own it up.
Example Input: Text: so there i was, sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching tv, when all of a sudden my phone rings. now anyone that knows me knows i don't answer my phone unless i know the number, but i am working today and thought maybe it was someone from work. so i answer the phone and hear a little girl say "daddy?" i pause for a minute and say "no". the kid then proceeds to tell me she is having a great day and can't wait to see me tonight. i try very hard to interrupt, but she just keeps talking and talking, so i sit quietly waiting for my chance to respond. finally she says "daddy, what's my social security number?" it all happened so fast, i didn't know what to say, so i blurted out "i don't know." there is a sudden moment of anger on her end "well, why don't you know?" she asked. "because i'm not your real dad and you aren't my real daughter." i suddenly realized i probably shouldn't have said it that way, because she burst into tears, sobbing about being adopted. i quietly ended the call...well, damn. another day, another ruined childhood.
Example Output: answered my phone and told a little girl i wasn't her dad, ruining her life.
Example Input: Text: so this happened 2 days ago. i still can't believe i put my foot in my mouth so badly. using a throwaway since i am way too embarrassed to have this story attached to my actual reddit account.
a friend had a bunch of us over to watch movies and have a few beers. so all of us are watching the movie 'wanted' when another friend of ours drops by to pick something up. he has a girl with him who he introduces as his new girlfriend. now in the entire time i have known this guy he has only every dated ditzy airheaded girls and this girl had the same look as his previous girls. so while all of us are chatting someone made a joke about curving a bullet and everyone laughed except for the girl. for some epically moronic reason that i still don't understand, i took it upon myself to explain the joke to her. i then ended my statement by saying it was okay if she was more interested angelina's clothes (she was wearing similar sort of outfit to angelina) the room goes quiet, the girl looks insulted and my buddy who brought her was like "not cool dude". the girl says she didn't laugh because the scene made no sense because the physics were wrong and verbally smacks me down by explaining the proper physics to me as well as telling me off for assuming she was a bimbo. she then leaves in a huff and my friend tells me off before taking off after her. turns out she has a degree in physics, is a member of mensa and a former jeopardy champion. so not an airhead at all. the rest of the night was awkward and my friend still has not returned my apology calls/texts.
Example Output: | friend (who only dates airheads) brought around a girl that had the same look as previous girls. i insulted her by explaining a joke about a scene from the movie 'wanted' in a condescending way, and told her it was okay that she was more interested in angelina's clothes. girl has a physics degree/is a mensa member and just didn't laugh because the physics in the scene were wrong.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: it didn't happen today, it happened a week after the shooting.
my buddy and i wanted to go look at the movie theater that made headlines during the midnight release of batman. it was in the parking lot of a mall in aurora not too far from my apartment, after being lookie-lous we had lunch in the food court.
there was tension in the air of that mall you could cut with a knife, waiting for something to go down. my buddy and i entered an elevator, shared with two muslim women in full attire when i felt i needed to make small talk (because i'm white in an enclosed space with two muslims in a mall haunted by the pregnant woman and her fetus that holmes killed) i say
" whelp, i feel american" with a grin on my face that stan smith could have portrayed.
take it for how it sounds, i dont know how it sounds. but judging by the face my best friend was making at me, and the faces (i assume behind the mask) the muslim chicks were giving me - it sounded offensive.
all i meant to point at is that it was stereotypically american to take the elevator opposed to the stairs.
muslim women: they indroduced themselves as jenny and carly. jenny showed me her ankles, carly and my brestfriend just held hands.
Example Output: said "i feel american!" in an elevator with two muslim women at the mall james holmes attacked (theater in parking lot) a week after the shooting referring to stereotypes and was taken wrong.
Example Input: Text: so this was yesterday...been crushing on co-worker for the last couple months. we message some, mostly hot and heavy work tech talk (i'm a sysadmin, she's a qa analyst). so i see her that morning in the lounge where everybody is getting bagels and a coffee, i say good morning. she responds, "oh, are you a ginger?" (i'm obviously a ginger though i'm bald with a giant ass red beard). i reply, "uh yeah..are you a ginger?". and then i proceed to make a joke about her having no soul or some dumb shit. so we go about our day... i wake up this morning and have a few messages from bumble. this girl that is obviously obsessed with gingers, and she asks me if somebody kissed me on international kiss a ginger day. i had no idea this was a thing.
edit: it's still today, so clearly i'm still not being blown.
Example Output: i missed a cue that my crush wanted an excuse to kiss me, and told her she had no soul. cute girl from bumble who told me i missed out stopped messaging me. fml.
Example Input: Text: okay...i have a feeling this is going to be a long one...
this is actually a series of tifus that happened to me in a matter of week while being in hungary with my friends.
so, this happened like ten years ago or so so sorry if i don't remember every detail correctly.
i live in croatia and at that time, i was a boyscout. me and my friends just finished summer camp that lasted for two weeks and since we all had a lot of fun, we asked our "superiors" if it is possible that we get another couple of days trip since we met new people and wanted to hang around with them just a little bit more. there was this one girl i was in love with and the other girl that was in love with me.
not really relevant to the story, but i guess it's karma related. anyway, at the start of the trip, this girl told me she likes me, but i didn't really like her. we were hanging around in the camp, but i don't know why i changed my mind. i was an asshole, i told her i don't want to waste her time and that i like the other girl and this started up the karma train i guess.
funnily enough, the other girl i liked seemed happy when i was around her, but she also seemed happy around every man, so you get what kind of a girl it was, she was a manipulator basically, not that i hold any grudges against her, it was just a fact, she was basically "seducing" every boy at the group.
okay, i drifted away again, back to the story, so we were gathering at the train station, there was around 20 of us, all fired up and ready to go have some fun in budapest. it took a long time to arrive there, more than 8 hours and we had to change the train twice, so as we were all tired we went to sleep.
it was one of those coupe trains, so there wasn't a lot of place to get comfy, there was each person sleeping on the coupe's couch and i slept on the floor. little did i know what was going to happen to me this week...
oh, so i woke up, we all started to talk and have fun and i felt this unexplainable urge to vomit.
i couldn't control it as strong vomit cramps followed by "baaaaa" sound (you know that sound when you're about to vomit, sounds like you've been stabbed) started torturing me and on the way to the bathroom i couldn't hold it, but i managed to release most of it in the toilet.
i thought i ate something bad and that it was all over, but as soon as i came back in the coupe, vomiting sensation started again.
long story short, i spent around two hours emptying myself while my friends were all joking around and having fun.
fast forward a little bit, we're very close to our destination and i can barely keep my eyes open as i feel like i puked my life away. as soon as we entered hungary, our guide called an ambulance and it was my transport and sightseeing tour bus for the next couple of hours. we came to the doctor and as much as i understood, from the translation our guide gave us, i picked up some kind of a bacteria in the train while sleeping on the floor and i need a needle in my right buttcheek to get better.
i hate(d) needles! but i wasn't getting any better so there wasn't any other option and we also had a problem. i forgot my health insurance card, so i took it from my friend and luckily no one noticed anything.
they put me on the table where patients usually lie to get checked out, turned me aside and stuck a huge needle up my butt, sting itself hurt like hell, but i was barely standing at that time so it's not like i could have complained or something.
the doctor said i will be good within a day or two.
i actually felt a lot better after half an hour, i don't know if it was because of the medication or placebo or whatever, there was just one problem, my asscheek hurt so bad i couldn't stand on my right leg, it would just randomly collapse, so i couldn't really walk straight for a day and while my friends were going sightseeing, i was lying in the bed in a bungalow waiting to get better. also, in the meantime, my body temperature got moderately high, so they didn't want to risk letting me on the loose after what happened.
two days or so after i felt better and i made them take me with them. what i forgot to tell, in the meantime, i had some mean diarrhea and those two days of solitude were even more unpleasant than expected.
anyway, we were walking for around 5 hours of more, i already forgot i was sick and i thought i have gotten better (and i did actually), but turns out my stomach didn't feel the same way.
all the time while we were outside, i felt this huge urge to fart and i let my friends go a little ahead so i can do it without anyone hearing it, plus it stank like a dead body so i guess i just wanted to spare myself the embarrassment of farting in a company with girls.
turns out it wasn't a fart. i let loose a nice amount of chocolate jello in my pants and we were a decent walking distance away from bungalows, so you can imagine how it felt. every step i took i could feel my butcheeks rubbing against one another, easier than usually since there was this liquid that considerably reduced friction between them.
to make the whole thing worse, my pants became wet from behind so i always had to be a couple of steps behind my group so nobody would notice the mysterious stain on my pants and laugh at me.
when we got back into the bungalows, i wiped my ass with my underwear and threw it inside the toilet, took the shower and gone to sleep.
now let's get to the tifu number three, the worst of all tifus.
the next day, we went to budapest's aquapark, a nice place with a couple of pools and 5 or 6 water slides, all different and fun in their own way.
there was one, yellow if i remember correctly where water slide's end was in the shape of a coffee cup with a hole in the middle so you would basically spin around and fall through it after losing radial speed.
this is not that much of a tifu, but i managed to land on my stomach and you can imagine how that felt after days of vomiting.
anyway, i went to take a break since my stomach hurt and there was my buddy, we were talking and he mentioned how he never jumped on his head and that he was afraid to do it since he was a kid.
so idiot me, after not realizing karma is just against me these days, decided to show him how it's done and i backed off from the pool a bit to gain some distance because i wanted to run fast and jump on my head to make it spectacular.
well, that was a stupid idea, but oh, was it spectacular. i ran like an idiot, jumped and hit my head to the pool's bottom.
my front teeth after my little floor romance looked like this -> |_/\_|.
so basically i made a triangle in my mouth that was fucking huge.
the worst thing is, it hurt like a bitch since my tooth nerves were naked at this point. every inhale, exhale, food particle or cold water made me almost cry in excruciating pain.
to make things even worse, as soon as i dived out of the pool, i didn't see or know what happened to me, i licked my front teeth and felt something missing, but my fat friend (buddy no2) burst into laugh, so annoyed as i was, i started chasing him when i got out of the pool which alarmed everyone around us something is happening. well that and him yelling: "wildpantz broke his teeth hahahahahahahaah!"
so i took a quick run to the toilet to see what happened and when i saw it my world was crushed. my beautiful teeth, broken, how am i going to look good ever in my life again? i was so depressed, i was crying for an hour i think, i couldn't get a hold of myself. everyone was trying to comfort me, but as depressed as i was, i became agressive every time anyone tried to make me feel better.
just for a reference to how cranky i was, one female leader told me everything is going to be okay and that i am still a cute little boy (we were like 13 so nothing out of the ordinary) and i told her that she was old and that i have a whole life ahead of me lol.
except fat friend, he was still laughing, that's just the way it is, he's that kind of person even today, not bad, just likes to laugh.
the biggest problem was, we were leaving in three days or so and i couldn't get any dental healthcare here without paying a ton so i had to look like this for at least three days before i returned to croatia.
needles to say, my crush didn't feel comfortable around me anymore, nor did i feel comfortable around me anymore.
when we got back, i hopped in the car with my parents, my mom asked me how it was and i just smiled. that's when she started crying and told me that i'm not even aware how much i actually fucked my life up. and she wasn't lying.
took a couple of operations and more than six years of wait, also a couple of hundreds of dollars and i finally have these new porcelain teeth that are as good as new, but what i've been through to make them like this, you don't want to know. trust me.
well, it's been a while since i've mentioned this to anyone, this is usually a nice drinking story and it makes everyone laugh so i thought i would share it with you guys since you all made me laugh so many times. cheers! :)
Example Output: | went to hungary, caught a bacteria that induced hard vomitting and diarrhea, shit my pants, broke my teeth, got back home sad and depressed
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution is here: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this: Text: sorry for bad english in advance. so the last weekend my parents left town to visit my grandpa and the house was all for myself. i invited a couple of friends and for the first time in my life i bought weed. we smoked and i ended up totally fucked up. at 2 am my friends left and the last thing i remember is my friend handing me the grass. i woke up and cleaned up a little bit and i started to look for the thing since i just couldnt find it, one of my friends said that he saw me going upstairs and he heard a lot of noise, like i was looking for something. the thing is that i spent like 3 days looking for the goddamn weed and just couldn´t fucking find it; but mom did: it was inside the microwave inside the fucking microwave.
she inmediatly asked me what was it and i said it was from a friend that smokes and that he offered us but i said no. i think she bought it,im not sure about dad though.
Solution: | i lost some weed in my house and my mom found it inside the microwave. | 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: now i was looking through reddit when i came upon [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/wtf/comments/6w0z56/i_work_as_a_dorm_manager_in_the_air_force_was/) post. here's a quick album. (album has been deleted?)
these were not me, and this was not today. it was quite a few years ago. i've gotten a lot better.
i won't explain my job but let's just say i hated it.
i was in a rut, i drink almost every night for about a year. when i came into work i'd normally have the shakes from the 1/5 of vodka i'd almost drink while watching streams on twitch and browsing reddit.
i couldn't pass my pt tests for shit. after purchasing alcohol, i'd normally head over to a fast food joint and order something big. the trash would just be thrown in a bag next to me and i'd normally just put it in a closet. i also dipped tobacco at this point (not anymore) and there were grains literally caked into the carpet. my desk was stained with beer and tobacco spit after blacking out and spilling it. (lost quite a lot of good keyboards like this).
i'd probably jerk off around 2 times a day, normally times when i was about to drink since i couldn't jerk off during the sessions. the rags seen in the album link really reminds me of what i went through. i had a nice big ol' pile next to my desk. styrofoam boxes from the cafeteria would be littered around my room. any jugs of water i'd have recently purchased i peed in, regardless if the sink or toilet was a few feet away.
i was just an overall slop/drunk. it hurts thinking i even got that far bad.
at one point i recall peeing in a bottle, sleeping, getting ready for work and grabbing a bottle of water in order to sober up somewhat. i was standing in an elevator with 2 other randoms. i went in for a sip. that's right, i was trapped. if i had just spit out the pee they'd probably wonder why the hell i spit water out on the elevator. i drink my own pee.
so i was at work when i was texted to go to my dorm. shit. i've been caught. i hope they didn't examine everything.
my first shirt and one of our supervisors was there. my shirt said "open the door". i did. he was fuming. "how in the hell can anyone live like this!?" as he rummaged through shit. my supervisor looked at my mountain of cum tissues. looked at me, then just sighed and seemed extremely disappointed.
my first shirt started telling me how much of a slob i was. "even here, look at this pillow!" he holds up the yellow stained pillow with both hands. "it even has a hole in it!".
i fucked that pillow guys. i fucked it. that's why there was a dick sized hole directly at the bottom.
i think he realized this and threw it back. he made me clean up everything on my hands and knees. it took some time.
most embarrassing moment in my life.
i'm much better now, though.
[EX A]: drunk, made mess, fucked a pillow, got caught and sent to therapy.
[EX Q]: Text: so i'm a college student who hasn't had sex yet. i was in drinking with my friends because it was blizzarding outside, when we get a text from some girls we know to come over. i know that one of the girls is in to me, so i was ready to go over and see if she was interested in me.
when we get there i start talking to her and she tells me she thinks i'm really cute and that she likes me. she tells me she would love to go back to her room and be alone, but, her roommate already has a guy in there. so we can't do it there, we go to check the bathroom, and one of the other girls is getting sick.
eventually after hanging out for awhile we decide to go back to my place, which is about 10 minutes away. so it's blizzarding out and we're walking back when i realize my roommate is asleep in my room with his girlfriend. i check the room and see them, i tell the girl i'm with this and tell her i'll just walk her back to her place. so i walk her back kiss her and tell her that i'll see her soon, and finally leave. only to get back to my room and realize my roommate was never in the room and that it was just a bunch of clothes on his bed!
[EX A]: didn't fuck because i'm an idiot
[EX Q]: Text: this actually happened today and im in the e.r. as im typing this. a buddy of mine sent me a snapchat last night of the most potent shrooms he's ever gotten and said he only had a quarter left. i figured why not; im on spring break, no work today, haven't tripped in a year, been in an amazing mood lately. oh boy...
it starts with me and a few friends walking a few miles into the woods, mind you i haden't eaten or drank anything besides said shrooms. mistake #1. we spend 2 hours in the woods and i begin feeling a bit odd. thinking i was just hungry/thirsty we begin heading back up to town.
were walking and i notice my hands beginning to cramp up and get very tense. i start feeling my breathing getting tight. i look at my hands and they're twice the normal size. i immediately walk myself to student health services who transferred me to the er.
apparently i had an allergy to the strain of mushroom i took. heres the fuck up. as im lying in my bed (still tripping and feeling euphoric) i decide to pass the time with tinder swiping right at the slightest attraction in anything i see until boom, match. i look at the match and notice its 0 miles away. night shift nurse walks in. oh my fuck, it's her. so now im sitting here hoping this nurse doesn't check her phone to realize she swiped right on the dumbass tripped out fool she's taking care of.
edit: for those interested the nurse is very cute, alpha cute (in my personal opinion). however, im receiving looks like she either shortly realized her poor choice in men or she is just not pleased that the first thing she has to deal with in her night shift is a trippy asshole. p.s. did in fact send corny flirt message. we will see if she leaves me her number on my arm in sharpy when i wake up...
edit: i'm now home. nothing happened for those interested and i thought itd be best kept that way. plus i dont do tinder hookups i just use it for fun.
[EX A]: | tripped on shrooms, allergic reaction. mid trip in hospital i go on tinder and go on a swiping spree. current nurse matched up.
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example input: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: before i begin, this didn't happen today, but last friday night untill saturday morning.
i live in a small town with a population of around 15,000 people, surrounded by a lot of villages that add up to 20,000-25,000 people. at friday night at 9pm, i was at a birthday party in a village next to my town. it was a big party with 40+ people in the backyard, loud music and lots of drinks. i was having a good time.
2-3 hours later i get a call from a friend (f), who is my crush. she lives in a city, but had come to my town and was out with our friends who weren't invited to the party. she asks me when am i going to leave and we decide to meet up when i do. by 12:30 am i wish happy birthday again and leave.
when i arrive at my town, i meet my crush and we're alone. she tells me that she has no way of getting back and must wait untill morning to catch a bus and head home. we decide to go to an internet cafe to spend some time there. we stay there and browse facebook and talk. around 2am we head out to a rock bar for a drink. we stay there for some time talking and smoking, untill we're bored and decide to leave 2 or 3 hours later. we go to grab some food at a creperie, and then we hang out in different quiet places. by 6:30 am, we see the sun rise and start making fun of how retarted we are for being out so late. anyway, by 8am she and i go on our different ways. she takes a bus for her city and i go home.
when i arrive home, i see my dad sleeping at the couch. i felt relieved only to see my mother being awake and looking towards me with anger. my phone battery had died and they couldn't contact me, so they were worried(oh for fuck's shake i'm 17). she wakes my dad up and they start giving me a lecture about responsibility etc. while this happens, i am standing in front of them, thinking only about getting sleep. when they're done, i reply with a simple good night (even though it was morning by that time) and make my way to my room.
i woke up at 5pm and learnt that i was grounded for at least a week, and that my parents are kinda angry with me, especially my dad. i didn't think any of this would happen, since it wasn't the first time i returned so late home, but this time annoyed them.
whatever, thanks for reading my long post!
A: | , left a birthday party i was, spent the rest of the night with my crush not giving a fuck about if people will be worried about my absence from home, returned home in the morning and had a lecture from my parents, got grounded. | 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so, this actually happened today, so the "today i f***** up" label isn't a lie...
it's been a really stressful week for me, and i decided that it would be a great idea to kill some of the stress with some strangulation...that is to say i choked the chicken...for the first time in around a month or so.
i opened up some of my favorite porn sites and started going to town, deciding that i should let myself go for a while before blowing my load. finally, after about an hour of shining my shillelagh, the pressure became too much.
just as i was about to let it all flow, my dad opened my door without knocking, which scared the crap out of me...or in this case the jizz. i must have turned myself slightly, because when he entered my room he was greeted with a steady stream of semen to the face, arm, and chest. he immediately turned around and ran to the bathroom, and i heard a strange combination of screams and vomiting (my dad is very squeamish).
Solution: | i didn't jerk for a month, decided to because of stress, and let a geyser flow onto my father | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so, going to school in ireland naturally means we learn irish. this may be an eli5 for some people, but there aren't many people in ireland who can speak fluent irish. i believe the figures are somewhere around 100,000+ people. i am one of those people who doesn't know irish, at all. i've been doing irish for the past 9 years, but haven't actually bothered to learn it properly, especially since it's not going to be too useful to me.
so, cue the irish test. throughout most irish classes, i usually sit down the back and work on other subjects, real covertly. naturally, i barely know a bit of irish. this should be interesting, i think to myself.
the test starts, and i'm greeted with [this](http://i.imgur.com/haycsnr.jpg)... great. i can't even read the question.
>cheannaigh do thuismitheoírí teach nua agus thosaigh tú i scoil nua. scriobh litir chuig do (clara?) ag insint dó/di faoin teach agus faoin scoil.
cue me, with my terrible grasp of irish. now, with my terrible understanding of irish, i devise that the question has something to do with a letter about school and your house. "scoil" and "teach".
now, the actual translation.
>parents bought a new house and starting in a new school . write a letter to your clara telling him / her about the home and the school.
well, fuck. apparently i've moved house, and looking back at this, maybe the letter was meant to be addressed to "clara". please, return to sender, bob.
now, cue the actual letter, and the transcript of it that i added for revision.
>a liám...
apparently my name is liam now.
>thuismitheoírí teach nua agat. bhí me ar go dtí ag teacht. thosaigh tú ar go dí ar direach
i'm pretty sure there's a bit of french added in there, but, err, let's forget about that.
>imo teach ar se chistin, seomra sea, seomra chaite et seomra leithreas.
once again, a little bit more french.
>i mo scoil, ar an seomra class. an muinteoiri ar go raigh.
and after that exceedingly short letter, i closed with:
>go raibh maith agat, bob.
now, without knowing what the hell i've said, a translation:
> provide parents a new house . i was on to come . you started to drink directly
[mfw](http://i.stack.imgur.com/ntsof.jpg)
>in my house it kitchen , sea room , et choppy room toilet room.
[what the fuck.jpg](http://commentphotos.com/gallery/commentphotos.com_1405786188.jpg)
>in my school , the class room . the teachers are obligatory so long .
[sweet... jesus.](http://files.sharenator.com/220794.jpg)
>thank you , bob .
and lastly, i've just closed off a letter with "thank you". this went perfectly.
> provide parents a new house . i was on to come . you started to drink directly. in my house it kitchen , sea room , et choppy room toilet room. in my school , the class room . the teachers are obligatory so long .
>thank you , bob .
... cue me, about 4 days from now, receiving the actual corrections to this. i've literally just picked random phrases that made sense in my head and thrown them onto a page, regardless of their relevancy.
thanks, bob.
edit: i'm pretty proud of my consistent star trek use throughout this thread. also, apparently my tl;dr disappeared...
| Solution: i tried to speak irish without knowing irish. ended up drinking directly, complaining about obligatory teachers and mentioning something about a "sea room", before closing off by thanking bob, whoever that is. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so there's some things you have understand before i start this story. i'm in grade ten of high school (this happened in june, so about a month ago). i am an incredibly anti-social person. up until this point i have never even tried to ask a girl out. this was my first time ever. so i walk up to her, absolutely terrified, and just before i say anything, i trip on a crack in the side walk and land right on my face. i get up instantly and try to play it off, blood gushing out of my nose. she is freaking, and i'm stumbling around mumbling "its okay, i'm fine, i'm fine" when i fall for a second time, this time backwards, cracking the back of my head against the sidewalk, knocking me out cold. i wake up in the hospital a few hours later, luckily with no serious injuries, except maybe my pride.
Solution: | tried to ask a girl out, ended up in hospital | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: i wasn't looking forward to the day when i'd do something i felt was worthy of posting here but tifu.
it started with my morning, i woke up about an hour and a half late, giving me just enough time to throw on my work clothes and leave "i'll finish the dishes later". when i got home, about an hour ago, i decided today is a good day for a lazy dinner of macaroni. knowing the water would take time to boil, i began putting away dishes and as i enthusiastically grabbed a plate "heck yeah, i'm gonna be done with all today's house-work in no time!" by the time that fleeting thought had manifested itself i heard the teapot slide across the counter. my vision fled me but somehow my left hand managed to grab the pot, however the lid raced to the tile and shattered into more pieces than my heart. this pot is part of a 5 piece set that was a wedding gift from a friend now lost to us. the worst part about it all is we had chipped one of the cups in the set a few months ago and i sought aid from r/hmf to no avail. as far as i can tell there are only 2 of this set ever made (even though i know better than that.)
Ex Output:
grabbed a plate and knocked a teapot off the counter.
Ex Input:
Text: recently saw a post on here set in tunisia. i recently moved from the country and thought i would share my little experience. so, this happened about four months ago. i went on a hiking trip that was organized via a facebook group: about 30 of us were going to hike from one village to another through some mountain ranges close to the city of zaghouan (supposed to be a 12 km hike).
so we get moving and it's absolutely beautiful, summer is waning, so it's not too hot and the countryside is divine. though the trail is pretty tough, we're all having a great time. now about five hours into the hike, people are starting to get tired and run out of water. the sun is beating down. eventually, we make it over a mountaintop where the village is supposed to be, but it's nowhere to be seen. just mountains in every direction. and lo and behold, our guide just decides to fuck off to find someone to get directions from...so here we are a group of about thirty people with no idea what to do. we have a shouting match with a sheperd (yes, a sheperd) on the next ridge but aren't able to make out his instructions..
me being the great american hero that i am, i decide to grab hold of the situation and go over the next ridge to try and find the village. so me and another guy run off to investigate: sure enough, we can make out a farmhouse wayyyy off in the distance: we signal to the rest of the group to follow and start walking.
now it’s starting to get dark, and we’re thirsty, so in our desperation, we go too far ahead and lose the group. but we’re still in touch on cell phones so no worries, we’ll meet them at the rendez-vous. it’s hard going down this mountain, we get stuck in mud and thorns and all kinds of nastiness, but finally, we make it. the farmer is quite taken back by two guys climbing down the mountain in despair and asking for water, but whatever, we’re just elated to be out of the mountains. he tells us where to catch a minibus and lets us take water from his well.
with our spirits lifted by refreshed water supplies, we decide to celebrate our return to civilization with a cheeky little smoke in an olive grove. afterwards, we catch a ride on a tractor to the nearest town.
now, i have been in some sketchy situations, but getting dropped off in this town at nightfall was terrifying. there was no police station or government presence whatsoever. people were looking at us, two random young men, with suspicious curiosity. me being a 6 ft blond dude made it all the worse. eventually, one guy offers us a lift for 50 dinars (an insane amount) we begrudgingly agree and get in his truck.
he immediately asks to look in our bags “to make sure we don’t have anything illegal” and starts complimenting our phones/cameras/etc, helping himself to our food, and bragging about smuggling hashish from algeria. it was an just an all-around bad situation.
now this is where it picks up. all of a sudden, a police truck cuts us off in the middle of the road. they have guns drawn and are shouting up a fucking storm. they take us to the police station and immediately start searching us and our backpacks. they find a camera in my bag and start looking through pictures, all the while interrogating us very aggressively, like really on edge. it was a tense environment, to say the least.
so here’s the kicker: the farmer who we first encountered climbing down the mountain, the one we asked water from, thought we were terrorists and called the police on us. it’s noteworthy to add that i had a pretty full beard at the time (and tunisia does have extremists living in the mountains who are known to ask locals for supplies). so we have two guys, one of them a bearded foreigner, climbing down from the mountains in a desperate condition….what would you think?
needless to say, the police were able to deduce that i was in fact, not a terrorist, but instead just a very stupid foreigner. so we go from the police station to the national guard and spend a few hours sitting awkwardly and getting lectured about how dangerous our situation was and lucky we were that they found us before something happened.
oh, and during this whole time, the other group was having this wonderful experience where they were welcomed by an old married couple who had a farm and the husband had lived through wwii and the wife cooked them beans and they had a comical story with a donkey and on and on and on.
so moral of the story: if you go hiking, stay with the fucking group. period.
p.s. tunisia is an amazing country full of beautiful people. really.
Ex Output:
i went hiking in tunisia, got separated from my group, almost robbed and the police thought i was a terrorist.
Ex Input:
Text: so this began on tuesday but i realized my fu today. i am in brazil spreading american imperalism. on tuesday i received a shipment of t- shirts with our institution's name and logo. so i thought 'hey, i will hand out these shirts and it will be free advertisting whenever they wear the shirt'. i distrubuted the shirts accordingly amoung the brazilians at our institute whom are currently being americanized/imperialized. now this doesn't sound so bad but most of the brazilians being exposed to the americanization are female. about 98% attending are young brazilian women. today i noticed that almost all of the wore the shirt both days. i asked them if they plan to wear the shirt everyday and they said "yeah we want it be like an uniform". so i didn't realize until today by handing out these shirts meant no more hot brazilian women in skipy shirts. tifu.
Ex Output:
| while spreading american imperalism i handed out shirts and now there are no more brazilian boobs in my face.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution is here: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this: Text: so actually happened like 30 mins ago and im still kind of in amazement of it all. basically i broke up with my gf of 3 years about a month ago and been finding any excuse to get completely and utterly wasted, anyway last night a few mates had gone to the pub for a few after work beers and invited me as i live just up the road. they actually had a few quiet relaxing beers while me with zero self-restraint got absolutely maggoted. we parted ways at 11ish and as i walked the short distance home i checked snapchat for some entertainment, as i was scrolling through peoples my storys i came across a mates exgf (lets call sarah) who is a fitness freak and regularly post picks of her in tight yoga pants, low cut tops and her healthy salads. i go through her my story a few times to really appreciate the salads. i get home after the short walk and in my drunk wisdom decide the night is young that it would a great idea to continue to a few sailor jerrys at home alone in bed (sad i know) watching some netflix. i have my first sip........
wake up to my alarming going off, feel very seedy and with a huge hangover. i go to turn off my alarm (on my phone) and see i have a snapchat from sarah. this is odd as i havent spoken to her in 2 years, i check and it is a black screen with the message "screenshot my selfie i see, fuck off creep", i immediately check my phones screenshots and low and behold at around 2am i took like 5 screenshot of her my story in her various gym attire. me being super smart and possible still drunk decides its a smart idea to message her back with "oh how awks i guess drunk me really like your salad photos". i get an immediate response tell me to "stay away from me perv", i decide ive done enough damage and probably leaving it alone is the smart idea. fast forward maybe a hour and as im surfing fb unable to move from my bed due to the hangover i come across a fresh post from sarah which says "cant these creeps leave me alone and see me for my hardwork in the gym and not an object to be stared at" with a screenshot of her snapchats informing her that i had taken screenshots of her my story. we have a lot of mutual friends which now probably think im super creepy.
edit im not going to give her snapchat her being a dick doesnt mean i should be
Solution: | got way to drunk and screenshotted a hot girls snapchat now she think im a creep and posted it all over fb so now everyone thinks im a perv | 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: i was drinking with friends from back home during the holidays like any other get together. we decided to get tequila, so of course we needed limes and a knife to cut them. after a few drinks i challenged my friend that i could cut a lime like fruit ninja if he threw them at me. the friend was concerned someone could get hurt, but i reassured him that i could it. standing about 8 feet apart, he threw the lime at me. i did not even see the lime, i did not even move, and it struck me right in the eye. i immediately had double vision and proceeded to throw up. the following days were met by a swollen eye and continued double vision, which i thought would go away after a few days. it did not. i then went to see a doctor, who said i would require surgery to fix this double vision issue. got the surgery and i still have double vision. the most expensive lime of my life.
Example Output: told friend to throw a lime at me, it hit me in the eye and i needed surgery to fix it.
Example Input: Text: now i know all of you are thinking the title is pretty self explanatory and that i was simply twirling a knife around and i end up cutting myself. this is sadly not the case.
the scene is set on a wonderful summer day when i was 12 (am 18 now).
my parents were both at work and i decided i would take my little pocket knife outside and find some stuff to cut up. i had always been warned of the dangers of playing with my knife and how i could cut my self, but being told not to do something only made me want to it more. in my yard we have a lot of trees and being the genius i am, i decided to see how good i was at throwing a knife.
first i need to tell you guys what kind of knife i was going to attempt to throw at a very hard tree. this knife was worth about $5. it had a flimsy plastic handle that was held in place by one very loose screw, the blade was about as dull as a hammer, the tip was more round than pointed, but it was a knife and god damn it if i wasn't going to throw it and make it stick in a tree.
so i set myself up about 10ft away from the trunk of this tree, hold my knife by the blade and let it fly. it hits the tree sideways and bounces to the ground. hmmmm that's no good. i decided if i threw it that way again i would shatter that plastic handle.
i go and pick up my knife and this time set myself up 5ft away from the trunk and decide that i should throw this piece of shit knife just like it's a dart. i take hold of the knife with my index finger on the back of the handle (for a little more power of course) and let it rip.
right as i threw it i knew i had messed up. i had twisted the whole knife sideways with my index finger and the knife hit the tree perfectly sideways.
i watched with horror as the knife bounced off the trunk of the tree, countinued to spin until it was pointed at me, and began its descent toward my legs and feet.
i should let it be known that 12 year old me thought that the proper foot wear for throwing knives at trees were flip flops.
as i watch this knife come toward me i turn around as much as i can in an attempt to outrun gravity. still watching the knife though, i see it hit the back of my heel, not with the super dull blade, but with the serrated part of the blade.
i quickly look at my foot in more detail and can see a gash about half an wide and half an inch deep. just as i was thinking "wow it's not going to bleed" it started pouring out of me like a faucet. quickly my entire filp flop was covered in blood. i hobbled back to my house knowing i had to stop this fountain that was my foot. i open the door that leads to our kitchen and take off the lake i have for a flip flop and hobble toward the sink, leaving a blood path the whole way. i grab paper towel and start trying to stop my blood from leaving my body.
knowing pressure would stop the bleeding i grabbed fresh paper towel and some tape and proceeded to tape the paper towel to my foot.
i ended up calling my mom, who was at work still, and had to tell her what i had done. she came home, took me to the urgent care where i had to get stitches (only 3) and was told i missed cutting my achilles tendon by centimeters.
Example Output: threw a knife like a dart at a tree, knife bounced back and hit my heel narrowly missing my achilles tendon, bloodbath ensued.
Example Input: Text: not a glorious story, minor fuck up at best. ive had a cold so i went and bought some nyquil and took a dose. now, i've tried sleeping pills, sleepytime tea, all of that and nothing has made me tired, so i figured nyquil wouldnt do much more than make me a little drowsy. well, its 10pm and i just woke up and who knows how long i'll be up now.
Example Output: | nyquil works.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: note: i am 18 years old and my step-sister is nine years old.
i was eating dinner last night with my father and step mother in our living room. we were watching the big bang theory on the tv. the step sister came into the room and sat down on the couch. this is when i fucked up.
one of the characters on the show mentioned something about a threesome. immediately my step-sister says "what's a threesome?"
everyone froze. i quickly whipped up an answer: "it's when three people race each other in cars."
this seemed to work pretty well. she bought it, and everything was fine. later on my step mom gave me a thumbs up and said "quick thinking earlier!" everything was right with the world. until.... the next day.
she had two friends over after her summer care (basically a daycare that takes place over the summer so parents don't have to hire babysitters while they're at work). this happens about once a week and they usually just play the wii or jump on the trampoline out back. they were being unusually loud, running around screaming, and just generally getting on everyone's nerves. suddenly, all three of them come sprinting up the stairs, almost crash into my dad coming around the corner into the living room, and take off down the hallway.
my dad says "woah! hold on!" and my step sister stops.
he said "what are you guys doing, running around in the house?"
my step sister says "we're having a foot-threesome from the basement to my bedroom!"
Output: told my 9-year-old step sister a threesome is a three-person race. step sister then has a threesome with two classmates in my house.**
Input: Consider Input: Text: while this may not seem like a huge fuck up, the value is more in the escalation of the situation than anything. context: since i started college, i've been working out daily, sometimes twice a day, with my suitemate, who won't be named for obvious reasons. for the last 6 or so months, i've made a lot of progress. i went from a human stick figure to a somewhat toned body. it's not perfect, but it's getting somewhere. my suitemate has been encouraging me and pushing me through all of this, and i owe him a tremendous deal for his emotional and physical support of my endeavors. my roommate on the other hand, has not been taking this so well. once my best friend in high school, he has turned into a reclusive social outcast of a person, who spends his days cooped up in his room playing city-building games. i'm sure many of you know what yikyak is. for those who don't, it's a social media app where one can post anonymous messages called "yaks" for all who use the app in the general vicinity to see. most universities are home to their own group of users. my roommate has, for the past few months, been posting passive aggressive messages about me "growing a big head" and "having overinflated self-esteem." normally i don't care, because at the end of the day, i'm the one bettering myself. tonight however, there was a change. my roommate posted a death threat. something along the lines of "i'm hiring a hitman to track my roommate to uninflate that ego of his" (i knew it was him because in the comments he explained all of the exercising business). so naturally, i screenshotted the yak and texted it to my ra, right before leaving to go home for the weekend. big mistake apparently. not twenty minutes after i get home, i receive a text from my hall mate: "cop on the floor. they're talking about you" shortly followed by: "they're knocking on your door." apparently there are words that can get you into serious legal trouble if used on a college campus, hitman being one of them (i guess you can't play any of the hitman games). so now i'm scheduled for a debriefing sometime tomorrow.
Output: i worked out, my roommate got jealous, made a death threat to me, i reported it, now there's serious legal shit happening.
Input: Consider Input: Text: as with a lot of posts on here, this happened a while back. about four years to be precise
i was at work and i was working with a contractor (we'll call him fred) writing an app. fred and i got on pretty well and chatted a lot about stuff outside of work - hobbies, films, games, family etc
at this point, i had been a dad for a couple of years. the memories of how my daughter was at birth and the following years was still fresh in my mind (as they still are - i don't think any dad forgets things like that)
fred's wife had recently given birth to a son and he was proud as could be. recently, in this context, is a couple of months. fred had the "i'm a new dad" glow about him and happily described how his son was progressing.
one day, fred said something like "do you want to see a picture of my son? my wife has just sent me a new photo" so i, naturally, said "yes". a couple of clicks later and he brings the picture up. there on screen was a cute picture of a happy, smiling baby boy with his eyes squeezed tight in laughter. the conversation went something like this:
> fred: there you go. that's my son
> dalidave: aww, he's cute
> f: yup
> dd: he's happy isn't he?
> f: yup
> dd: how old is he?
> f: a couple of months now
> dd: they all look like chairman mao at that age when they laugh
> f: ...
a couple of weeks later, i found out his wife is chinese.
i never saw another photo of his son
| Output: saw a picture of a baby and compared him to a communist revolutionary
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: ok so let's just get down to it this happened yesterday and i can't not tell someone.
a little back story i was in bed sleeping and around 2 in the morning i woke up feeling sick af. i threw up, showered, brushed my teeth and went back to bed.
the next morning (5am) i get up and head to work feeling like shit, i thought about staying home, but it's xmas and i can't really afford to miss work (i should have stayed home). i work on a service van and we go to customers places of business and fix their electrical issues.
around ten, at one of the customers places of business, i feel a rumble in my stomach and head to the bathroom. i'm sitting on the john having a very uncomfortably liquidy bowl movement when all of the sudden i feel a different kind of rumble. que oh shit jpg. my mouth fills with puke. now if you remember i'm at a customers place of business so me trying to be a professional realize it would probably be bad to puke all over their floor. with that thinking i try to aim inbetween my own two legs that are seated on a toilet that they currently could not be removed from. as i am aiming this mouthful of nasty another wave hits me. i have no time to aim like i was trying to do and blow chunks all over my manhood. in my horror and disgust i did it one more time not only did it still get all around the toilet but now my junk and lap are covered.
when i finally finished i cleaned up as best as one could told my boss what went down and had him take me back to my car. i should have stayed home
Solution: | i got sick threw up on my own cock and should.have just stayed home that day | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example input: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: i taught it it would be a festive thing for me to send a snapchat for movember to my american friend. being the funny guy i am i came up with a great idea. i'm australian and i thaught why not add a down under style twist. i had not shaved my pubes in quite a while so it was looking quite movemberish combining these two thaughts (down under and my pubes) i decided to send a photo of my pulic region with the hilarious caption "happy movember from down under!" however i was unaware i was in chat with a girl i was snapchatting. i clicked send thinking i would see the friends list however i was starkly suprised when i saw the sending. now she thinks i'm rapist. not going well
A: | i sent a pic of my pubes to a girl. | 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: this happened a while ago, but i decided it's time to share.
not too long of a story. i was at a bar with my buddy and a couple of his friends. bar was pretty crowded. i went up to get a drink, and while i was waiting this guy came up and tried to get past me.
i more or less said to fuck off and wait in line, and he pointed to the counter. i thought he said, "i'm trying to get my jacket."
i look over and there's a jacket on the bar. i asked, "your jacket?" and he nodded.
i tell him i'll hand it to him. so i reach over and grab it and start to pick it up.
as it turned out, not only was the jacket not his, but neither was the purse under it. the girl next to me, whose stuff it was, understandably freaked out and grabbed everything from me, causing the contents of the purse to spill everywhere. i spent about ten minutes looking under the stools to make sure none of her stuff got lost. then i bought her a beer and left the bar.
one of my more embarrassing bar moments.
tried to hand a guy some girl's jacket and purse because i thought it was his
Text: this is the story of how at only 12 years old, i committed a felony.
i was on a cruise ship, and i was hanging out in the arcade at around 12:30 a.m, bored out of my mind. i was with my cousin, and neither of us had any tickets left, and our parents cut off our spending. i found a ticket on the floor, and as a joke decided to jam it in the prize machines receipt slot. then, i printed a receipt for one ticket to try to push it out. when that didn't work, i finally got it out with my finger, and two receipts came out, each for one ticket. i was confused, then realized, i had just cloned a ticket!
i later figured out how it works. when i printed out the receipt, i blocked it from coming out. the machine doesn't realize it came out, so it lets you print another one, and then you clone those tickets too.
i then proceeded to use this to my advantage, buying out a bunch of prizes. i also let some of the other kids in the arcade in on it, and we basically emptied the prize machine. after that, everything started to fall apart.
more and more kids started to find out, and would do it right in front of the arcade staff. when the staff started noticing something was going on, they started paying more attention. at one point, i noticed one recording me on his phone, and i ran away as fast as i could. i would see them standing next to the machines all day, watching every kid carefully. i saw one machine open, and the guy was trying to fix it. i found out from a friend that they had caught some kid with a receipt for 300,000 tickets, when the most expensive prize was 2,500 tickets. the guy said to him, "hey, that's illegal, kid." and took him to their office.
i avoided the arcade after that, but it was too late. when me and my family were coming back on to the ship from nassau, they were scanning our cards. they scanned mine, and the screen read, 'denied'. a crew member brought me to the cruise ship directors office, or whoever it is that runs the jail. he said to me, "we know what you did." i thought they might be bluffing, and acted confused. but then he took out a receipt for 300,000 tickets, and i realized i was done for.
he told me what he had found out, and he said this. "so, what we know is, one kid found a glitch in the machine, and he started showing people how to do it. and then he showed you, is that correct?". i realized i had a way out and said, "yes, that's right. that kid started the whole thing. a lot of the kids didn't know how he did it, he just gave them prizes and tickets."
the director made me return my prizes and tickets, and said that if i ever went back to the arcade, they would contact authorities. some of the other kids involved thanked me for not throwing them under the bus. i later found out the so-called "ringleader" was charged with a felony. they never found out that it was me.
update: i found an old journal entry, and apparently the director told me that we racked up 1.3 million tickets from the glitch. i remembered one of the toys, a remote control robot, cost 2000 tickets, and i did the math. i could have gotten 650 robots, and each robot sells for $20, so we potentially could have taken $13,000 worth of toy robots.
i found a glitch in an arcade machine that gave me free tickets. shit got serious, and i avoided getting charged with a felony, but threw some other kid under the bus for it.
Text: background here. my bf and i are pretty weird, we're both big geeks and have dirty minds. anyway, he usually doesn't wear jeans so when he does, he is at risk of losing his bits if he tries to jump over things, or sit cross-legged as he's used to trackpants at work.
this time, he had been sitting weirdly, and got up from where we were sitting in the lounge, me having just told my parents on skype about how our new year's went. he starts shifting around, trying to rearrange his boxers so he can save himself, and i decide, for some stupid reason, to ask him if his pants resembled a cheaply made castle.
cue confused look. but this is where i fucked up.
i should have realized that the microphone was still on, on my computer. my parents are overly religious, so i've been very careful to censor my speech around them. anyway, boyfriend gives me confused look as i say, "do they resemble a cheaply made castle? no ballroom."
cue boyfriend's laughter, which only just covers the outrage spewing from my headphones still (thank god) plugged into the computer. we end up in tears on the floor (we'd been feeling really down beforehand, so it was an ott reaction but still), and i go back to my computer to find out that my dad is having trouble breathing from laughing too hard, my mum tried to smack him out of the chair for laughing and hurt her hand when it hit his chair instead, and i'm no longer invited down for christmas this year. oh well, was worth it to cheer my bf up :)
| made a crass joke while still on skype to ultra-religious parents, no longer invited for family christmas this year. oops
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: hello redditors!
well this story didn't happen today, not yesterday, but it happened about 8 years ago.
just to give you a little background about me. my name is dylan, i'm 22 years old and i live on the beautiful island of malta. i would also like to apologize on behalf of my vocabulary, punctuation, spelling mistakes & structure formation. this is my first time writing on reddit. hell this is my first time in a long time since i practiced writing, but enough about me and lets get into the story.
i was 14 at the time and my parents were invited to attend a wedding. i had just started to earn the trust of my parents. it was a very rare occasion to be left alone at home. i mean, my parents had it coming right? so without any hesitation i decided to throw a house party.
called up my best friend brian and told him everything i had been planning. i continued to invite 4 other close friends of mine, - bogart, charlie, tom & eric.
we were all too much excited about this party. we had started preparing from weeks before. you see, we had never been to a house party, let alone host one. the day had arrived. brian and i started doing preparations for the party. we went to a local bar and bought a pack of pint plastic glasses, orange and pineapple juice, 3 packs of cigarettes, some snacks and a 75 cl bottle of j&b and a 75 cl bottle of smirnoff vodka (at that time the drinking age was 16 years old. no one asks for i.d. here in malta, no one gives a fuck really). now, keep in mind that none of us had ever really drank alcohol before, apart from the occasional beer that we used to split between god knows how many people and a few sips of cheap cooking wine.
brian, bogart and i are neighbors. we literally live a few seconds from each other. charlie, tom & eric lived about 20 mins from my village, so they had their parents dropping them off at my house. we all agreed to tell our parents that we would be meeting at my house and that we were going to watch a movie at a cinema, which is about a 30 minute walk from my home.
the clock struck 8 p.m. and my parents were gone!
my friends started arriving one by one. i put on an mp3 cd i burnt into my hi-fi stereo, it was some 8-bit music, played by henry homesweet if i remember correctly. i remember it was bad-ass at that time because it resembled something out of my gameboy's music. i started pouring about a quarter vodka in each glass, mixing it with orange or pineapple juice. we toasted the drinks and i yelled "the last one to down this glass is gay!". now, looking back, iv'e gotta say bogart really took that to heart. he downed that pint of vodka in mere seconds, with everyone following afterwards. big surprise, i downed it last. i still get nauseous by that horrible taste of vodka.
straight away we started to get drunk. one glass would of made that night epic for all the right reasons, not for the wrong ones. we chatted a bit, laughed and pulled some pranks on each other, whilst sipping on another pint of vodka pineapple. we proceeded to take the party to my parent's room (i don't know why). grabbed a pack of playing cards, started shuffling them and we started playing poker. well, some card game that resembled poker at least. this is when shit stared hitting the fan. we had almost finished the vodka bottle, only a couple of shots left, so to make things interesting, anyone who lost a hand had to take a shot of vodka mixed with j&b whiskey (kids, don't). worst. idea. ever. we were all pretty drunk already. bogart got a really unlucky streak. he lost hand after hand after hand. oh my god i swear, iv'e never seen anyone drink as much as he did in the space of 10 minutes.
all pandemonium started breaking loose in my parents room. charlie spilled a whole bottle of orange juice on to my parents bed sheets, brian and tom laughing their asses off, eric was running through my parents drawers, i was too drunk to give a fuck and bogart was hopping on my parents bed like a 6 year old. all of a sudden we hear a big strange bang. bogart miss timed a jump and ended up landing on the back of his head on the wooden drawers. he was just out of it. don't think he remembers anything from that point on.
we really didn't know what had just happened, we didn't see him hit the back of his head, we just saw him on the floor dazed. he started slurring his words. "he's just really drunk" we said and continued with the party.
my parents had a secret stash of porn in their room and i started showing them to everyone. someone had the most brilliant idea of putting a porno in the dvd player for bogart to watch so he can start to sober up. i gave him a roll of toilet paper, put in the dvd and left him alone.
it had started to get late. we already had been drinking for about 2 hours or so, so we stopped drinking since some parents were going to pick some of my friends up in an hour or so. we smoked a couple of cigarettes and i decided to go check on bogart as he had been there for 15 mins or so. in fact, he was so quiet that we had totally forgot about him. as soon as i opened up the door i hear a loud smack. his head was standing in front of the door's path. the door vibrated with the ripple effect. he was unconscious. he couldn't talk, he couldn't walk. he was out of it. he was passed out like it was new years eve in 1919. a couple of seconds later, charlie opens the door while bogart was still laying on the floor. bang, the door hit him square on his head again with a bigger impact then the one before.
at that point, seeing the state he was in, lying on the floor naked, drooling out of his mouth, jizz on his torso.. we sobered up just by looking at him. it stated hitting me. it was getting late and he was still unconscious. what are we going to do?
so we carefully picked him up, which proved to be quite the challenge, we put him in the tub and started washing him with cold water just to try to wake him up. reality was starting to hit hard. we started panicking. he wasn't waking up, he just laid in tub motionless. eric started smacking him in the face, whilst letting his head hit the tub every time he slapped him. when all of a sudden, he opened his eyes and stood upright in the tub. we were jubilant. we started clapping, patting each other on the back, we even started chanting his name. the look on his face wasn't quite just right though. about 10 seconds after... he threw up on his bushy penis. closed his eyes and went unconscious again whilst hitting his head on the tub again as he leaned back.
about 5 minutes passed and bogart's phone stated ringing. it was his mum.
some useful background on his mum. we were all scared shitless of bogart's mum. i really don't know her that well to say anything bad about her, i'm sure anything she did she had her reasons for it, but i had seen a younger bogart get a couple of the loudest yells iv'e ever heard and quick beatings from her when he wasn't behaving. let me put it this way. she burnt all of his pokemon trading cards when we were younger just because she heard someone say that they were the devil's playing cards. he had a 1st edition charizard. she was mad in my books.
so, bogart's phone started ringing and we were in panic. what are we going to do? what are we going to say? i gave the phone to tom and told him to stick to the story. tell her we were at the cinema. this is how it went.
tom picks up phone - "hello?"
bogart's mum - "bogart? can i speak to bogart please"
tom - "well, bogart can't talk to you at the moment. we were at the cinema watching a movie. during the intermission (yes, we have intermissions in the middle of a movie in malta) he told us that he was going to buy a coke and some snacks. he said he would be right back. the movie finished and bogart never came back to his seat. we went looking around for him until we found him laying next to a garbage skip, unconscious. now we're at dylan's house.
bogart's mum - *bleep bleep bleep*. she hung up.
we just kept staring at tom. his improvisation just made this whole ordeal worse.
all shit started breaking loose. in a space of a minute, we hid all of the evidence. the alcohol, the cigarettes, cups. we washed bogart, no one wanted anything to do with his now hurly bushy penis, so we left that as that. we picked bogart up off from the tub and dressed him up. charlie and eric bailed out. they said each of their parent's had arrived (simultaneously), but we all know you guys were scared shitless!
to this day, i haven't seen a more dramatic scene then what was about to occur. much more drama then a martin scorsese movie.
we hear four loud knocks on the door. the door never had received such a banging. i went to open the door, whilst diarrhea oozing out of my shorts. as soon as i opened, she rushed in yelling "where is bogart??". she ran through the house. found him in the bathroom just unconscious as he will ever be. she grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him up against the wall like it was nothing. "what did you do??" *slap in the face* "what did you take?" *harder slap in the face*. "what did he do? where did you find him??" we kept sticking to our stories and told her what tom had already said to her. she dragged bogart through the corridor, put him right next to the door, when bogart's father arrived.
the man was inflamed. his face all red, gnashing his teeth together. what a sight that was. one handed, he grabbed him by his shirt, pulled him up, he didn't need a wall to support his dead weight, and started smacking him all over the face.
bogart's dad in a devilish tone - "whaaaat did youu doooo??"
"answeeeeeeeeeeer meeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
bogart's mum - "nooo don't hurt him!!" (she had already slapped a tooth away)
after some more yelling, his dad picked him up and lifted him on to his shoulder, opened the door and his had rattled on the side of the solid wood door. all in total, he hit his head five times, not to mention all the slapping on his face. i thought to myself that it was finally over. once again i was sadly mistaken.
brian, tom and i started to clean up the house. we went and threw all of the alcohol, cups, juices & cigarettes in a field a few minutes away from my house. bogart left his wallet and phone behind so we went to give bogart's parents his stuff back, only to be greeted by blue flashing lights. bogart was getting stretchered into an ambulance and that is when we all realized that his condition could be worse then we had thought. it was really a heartbreaking site. neighbors gathering outside, his mum crying her eyes out and his dad is still in shock. brian went to give them his stuff back. they gave us this horrible stare like they were saying this is all your fault. suddenly, i was struck with this immeasurable amount of guilt.
tom decided to sleep over at brian's house and i went back to my house to finish cleaning up and get some sleep. it was about 1 am and my parents still haven't arrived back home yet. i was in bed but my thoughts warn't allowing me to sleep. i felt like my mind was going crazy from all the guilt and worry i was feeling at the moment. i hear the telephone ringing. i picked it up and it was the doctor examining bogart at the hospital. he told me to explain in detail what had happened. he obviously didn't buy it. he told me it would be near impossible to lift bogart for that distance. he knew what he was talking about because we found it hard to lift him from the tub, let alone lift him for a 30 minute walk from the cinema to my house. still, i kept to the story and he ended hanging up on me.
it was getting late and i managed to fall asleep, barely. even in my dreams all i saw was guilt. i woke up at about 8 am and i find my mother in the hall way. the first thing she said was what is this smell of alcohol in the house? i couldn't keep it in. i told everything that had happened the night before. better to tell her myself then to be told by someone else. my mum got all hysterical on my ass. very dramatic woman my mum. even remembering back i get agitated. my dad got woken up by my mum shouting at me. he seemed quite disappointed at me for not keeping my word about being left alone for a night. he seemed more disappointed by the fact that we woke him up at 8 am on a sunday though.
being born as a christian, i hadn't went to church in a few years. i called up brian and told him to meet me outside so that we can go to sunday mass. at that time i thought that maybe going to church would help in relieving me of this guilt i was still carrying.
desperately, i pull a 5 euro note from my broke-ass 14 year old pocket and put it in the collection plate to make things right with god again. haha.
just about as the mass was finishing, i get a call from my dad to meet up with him for a second. i got into the car and he explained to me that this stuff happens when you're young. that i needed to learn from my mistakes and not repeat them. to not feel so shitty about my self for what happened to bogart. that he should of never drank that much in the first place. he told me "sounds to me you guys had a pretty solid night". from that moment, i was relieved of all my guilt. i had never been treated like that from my father. he realized that i was growing up and that he couldn't treat me as if i was a child anymore. from that point on, i had a different relationship with my dad, quite different from the earlier 14 years.
as for bogart, well.. i was told that he ended up in the hospital with a grade 3 concussion, alcohol intoxication and a tube coming out of his mouth and penis. in the end, he recovered safely within a day. brian got his internet connection disconnected as a request by bogart's mum. she said brian was a bad influence on bogart and she didn't want him to communicate with him anymore. his dad plugged in the internet connection back again after 2 hours. everyone else received a call from bogart's mother, telling everyone's parents what had happened the night before. i ended up getting away scott free cos i had already spilled my guts out.
hope i didn't bore you with this long story for whom ever managed to read all of this.
edit - wow. we made it to the front page guys with 2500+ upvotes !!! i would of never have imagined such a huge feedback. i love you all guys. for the positive comments, the negative ones and those that are just plain weird. thank you!!! some of you really lifted me up today. because of you guys, i now know that maybe i stumbled on a talent that i had gave up on. i'm my biggest critique and i don't belief in myself enough to have that role. i can't stress enough how much this feedback means to me. it truly makes me jubilant inside knowing that i made someone laugh today. but also try to learn from my mistakes so you wouldn't have to be in the same situation yourself. things could of ended much, much worse.
looks like i fucked up a bit. forgot to mention that all names used in the story were all fictional due to keep all people involved in the story anonymous. sorry if i misled anyone. i know how you all love bogart's name. i picked bogart just because i thought it would stand out.. and it did.
for all the haters, this story is 100% real. i wish that i was capable of writing a fiction story great as this.
a huge surge of comments are coming in. i can't keep up. i will reply to many of them when i get the chance.
i will be posting other crazy shit that happened to me on /r/tifu. so till next time redditors!
lets hear it one more time for bogart!
edit - thank you who ever gave me reddit gold. really appreciate it!!!
Example Output: threw a house party. 5-7 shots of vodka mixed with j&b, underage guest gets fucked up, penis vomit & concussions, ambulances & hospitals and a penis tube.
Example Input: Text: so...i have three main friends, and one of them is a jerk. let's call him...blob. he is kind of a jerk and the others think he is a jerk but he is still cool and we value his friendships cause we all are like really close. we usually we go and chill at his grandmothers house where he lives. we all hung out today and chilled like usual, and we dropped him off and went to the other friends house.
the other friends, let's call him skinmeat, killed a snake this morning,so we decided to take this snake and prank blob with it after chilling and thinking about it for a while. we decided to go to blob's grandmother's house...where he lived, and our plan was to pick him up, ride down the street and leave the car, when he wasn't expecting it, we would throw it on him and we would run to the car and drive...turn around and pick him up and let him be mad at us for like fifteen minutes before laughing and joking like usually.
what happen was we got to his house and he didn't want to come so we took the snake in a bag and i put it in my pocket before going into his grandmothers house while she had guest...and went into his room threw it on the bed before running out in her house while she had guest and then driving off.
he texted us and said that his grandmother almost had a heart attack and we were banned from her house, and that we couldn't be friends anymore.
we feel terrible because her grandmother trusted us and we barely knew her, and we disrespected her household without even thinking about her.
Example Output: pranked a friend and got banned from his grandmothers house.
Example Input: Text: so today i went out to the gun range to do a bit of shooting. this range was kind if a redneck range so it only had an outhouse. i had to take an emergency shit when i got there so i ran to the outhouse. when i opened the door i found out that rats or some other rodents had decided to make the outhouse into their house. not wanting to risk getting my ball sack bitten by a rat i decided to try hold the shit in and maybe it would go away. well it didn't go away, now it was becoming a serious problem. i always keep a roll of shit paper in my truck just in case so i grabbed it and headed for some trees.
now the mosquitoes weren't too bad in the short grass but, in the bush was a different story. there were so many damn bugs i could hardly breathe without eating a mouthful of bugs. the poop was starting to turtle now so i just blocked the little biting bastards out of my mind, dropped my shorts, and squatted against a tree. that shit was the best one i have ever had. after it was all out i wiped and pulled up my shorts. i start walking out of the bush when i all of a sudden had to piss. i turn around and whip my dick out and start pissing. i looked down and on the tip of my penis were 3 mosquitoes full of blood. i don't know how i didn't feel them bite me but, they must have been there for a while because when i squished them there was blood everywhere. i just got home and put some after bite on it but, fuck was the 3 hour ride home shitty. my dick has never been so itchy in my life.
Example Output: | .. shit in the bush and had 3 mosquitoes bite my dick
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: i've absolutely learned my lesson and i'll never do it again. this happened yesterday.
i was working in an area where there's only one truck stop nearby for folks to go to. it has a decent sized bathroom with 3 stalls, one of them being handicapped accessible. with the common discomfort most people have taking a dump in public restrooms, i opted to use the stall furthest from the door in the back... the handicapped accessible stall. as i'm releasing my previous days fast food, it quickly becomes apparent that this isn't an ordinary shit. i realize that this potty break went from an innocent side effect of this mornings coffee, to the release of some fecal demon stirring deep within my bowels. it wasn't more than a few seconds after that realization, that i came upon another, increasingly devastating realization.
at first it wasn't a big deal, just another guy coming into the bathroom. i was hidden in the back stall, and aside from a few discreet shuffling noises and the clearing of my throat to let him know someone was there, it wasn't a big deal. this is when things escalated, quickly. i hear quite heavy breathing and some creaking noises. all of the sudden the door on my stall is rattling. "what the fuck dude, there are 2 other open stalls." i thought to myself. not a moment goes by before i look under the stall door to see a pair of feet, and a set of wheels. "oh fuck." i'm thinking, "i took the one stall this guy can use!" i hear frantic mumbling and more fast, heavy breathing. at this point, i'm beyond the point of no return, i am fully engaged in battle with this demon. i am audibly struggling to get through this shit, pun intended, as fast as possible. farts, splashes and groans, the whole 9 yards.
the next 60 seconds looked something like this: i was frantically trying to excrete the remaining hershey squirts lingering in my colon, this guy is breathing heavily, knocking, and wheezes "please hurry." i'm actively releasing coils of soft serve human waste as i let him know "'i'm trying! i'm so sorry!" i begin wiping frantically, knowing full well i hadn't totally finished. doing my best to pinch it off i'm grabbing huge wads of toilet paper and quickly cleaning my ass. i knew it wasn't all the way clean, but in the desperation of the moment, i didn't care. i took a big was of paper, shoved it in between my ass cheeks, and quickly pulled up my pants and flushed. i open the stall door and the wheelchair is in front of me, empty. the door to the bathroom opens and i see a middle aged man with a horrified look on his face.
"dad!" this guy yells, as he rushes towards me. next to me, on the ground in a stall that his wheelchair could not fit into, is the elderly man, with an o2 tank next to him, clutching the edge of the bowl. "i... i'm so sorry." stumbling over my words in shock. backed against the wall looking on helplessly, i realize that the old mans pants have a huge wet mark all over the back and front of them. the distinct smell of human extrement was pungent. the man was helping his father, and having previously ignored me he turned and said "please leave." i apologized again to no reply and before i walked out, i made the most awkward eye contact of my life with the elderly man. i could feel his thoughts as he psycho communicated "you did this to me." i'll never forget that moment as long as i live.
i feel horrible. i won't be using handicapped stalls if i can help it, ever again.
Example Output: i used a handicapped stall when a handicapped man came in desperately trying to use a stall, he couldn't because i was there, and he pooped his pants.
Example Input: Text: now i was looking through reddit when i came upon [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/wtf/comments/6w0z56/i_work_as_a_dorm_manager_in_the_air_force_was/) post. here's a quick album. (album has been deleted?)
these were not me, and this was not today. it was quite a few years ago. i've gotten a lot better.
i won't explain my job but let's just say i hated it.
i was in a rut, i drink almost every night for about a year. when i came into work i'd normally have the shakes from the 1/5 of vodka i'd almost drink while watching streams on twitch and browsing reddit.
i couldn't pass my pt tests for shit. after purchasing alcohol, i'd normally head over to a fast food joint and order something big. the trash would just be thrown in a bag next to me and i'd normally just put it in a closet. i also dipped tobacco at this point (not anymore) and there were grains literally caked into the carpet. my desk was stained with beer and tobacco spit after blacking out and spilling it. (lost quite a lot of good keyboards like this).
i'd probably jerk off around 2 times a day, normally times when i was about to drink since i couldn't jerk off during the sessions. the rags seen in the album link really reminds me of what i went through. i had a nice big ol' pile next to my desk. styrofoam boxes from the cafeteria would be littered around my room. any jugs of water i'd have recently purchased i peed in, regardless if the sink or toilet was a few feet away.
i was just an overall slop/drunk. it hurts thinking i even got that far bad.
at one point i recall peeing in a bottle, sleeping, getting ready for work and grabbing a bottle of water in order to sober up somewhat. i was standing in an elevator with 2 other randoms. i went in for a sip. that's right, i was trapped. if i had just spit out the pee they'd probably wonder why the hell i spit water out on the elevator. i drink my own pee.
so i was at work when i was texted to go to my dorm. shit. i've been caught. i hope they didn't examine everything.
my first shirt and one of our supervisors was there. my shirt said "open the door". i did. he was fuming. "how in the hell can anyone live like this!?" as he rummaged through shit. my supervisor looked at my mountain of cum tissues. looked at me, then just sighed and seemed extremely disappointed.
my first shirt started telling me how much of a slob i was. "even here, look at this pillow!" he holds up the yellow stained pillow with both hands. "it even has a hole in it!".
i fucked that pillow guys. i fucked it. that's why there was a dick sized hole directly at the bottom.
i think he realized this and threw it back. he made me clean up everything on my hands and knees. it took some time.
most embarrassing moment in my life.
i'm much better now, though.
Example Output: drunk, made mess, fucked a pillow, got caught and sent to therapy.
Example Input: Text: contrary to typical tifu events, this in fact did occur today.
so i was at a library, i was just about to start another lecture when i felt sleepy, so i was like i'm going to go to starbucks to get coffee. so i get out there, get the coffee, it’s not too hot, added some fat free milk, cause they didn't have half and half (i'm thinking, man, my luck today huh), and then i powdered in some chocolate cause i figured, whatever i've been good with my sugar intake lately, and i'm studying so i deserve this sugar (these details are just to show how important this coffee was). so i mix everything in, i walk out, going back into the library now. i take a sip of the coffee once i get inside the building and i'm like eh, it's not bad, def will keep me up for a few hours. i press the elevator button now, there's about a 2 minute wait until the elevator arrives, i look behind me, there's a long line for it, so i’m thinking "ok cool i’m first in line, i’ll just go in quickly so everyone can squeeze in fast." so as i wait near the front once people on the inside of the elevator start walking out, as soon as the last person leaves, i zip inside, completely tripping on the elevator ledge... it's an old ass elevator that takes time to completely be flat with the ground. i go crashing into the opposing wall (actually crashing.) coffee spills everywhere, on my shoes, on my hands.
everyone's watching me because again, i was in the front of the line. i'm in an awkward standing position (imagine somewhere between crawling and crouching) because i kept trying to catch my fall throughout my trip. that very dear coffee was gone.
now i'm just looking at everyone because i don't know what else to do. i was met with sly smiles, genuine horror, and concerned faces. then everyone entered the elevator very slowly, and asked what happened. some people saw my fall, others behind them looked like they were just very confused on why i was standing awkwardly next to a puddle of coffee on the ground. one girl mustered up the courage to ask me, "what happened???" being my witty, clumsy as self, i'm like, "i think i tripped."
the same girl was like: “wow that was intense dude, it felt like i was watching pinball machine.” lmao. to make matters worse, i realized as i fell i said a combination of woahhh and ohhh within the 3 second fall, and probably attracted more attention. everyone else seemed like they saw a massacre unfold. i quickly pressed my floor button on the elevator (because yeah, i still remembered) and walked out saying "i should contact someone about that spill."
anyways, i just felt like i had to tell this because it was really funny now that i think about it. i honestly was really confused, i wasn’t even sure what was happening, when it was happening. i'm also fairly certain i can't go to a starbucks and then immediately into an elevator again for quite some time.
so now i'm back to studying for finals, coffee-less, and it feels as though i went through some battle.
edit: added last line and tl;dr.
Example Output: | tried to hastily get on an elevator, only to trip and get hot coffee all over me, with dozens behind me watching this unfold.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
TASK DEFINITION: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
PROBLEM: Text: although this actually occurred a few months ago, the fuckup-trauma is still very fresh.
anyway, a little background information: i rent a small one-room building on my girlfriend's family property. at the time, i had only been living there for a few months, mostly keeping to myself and trying to be productive. the house next door is where my girlfriend, her sister, and their parents live.
the day before the incident, i had a friend come over. he was planning on moving away that weekend and we wanted to have a good time before having to say our goodbyes. it ended up going pretty well, as we drank a few beers and talked about his upcoming move. however, i had to work early the next morning, around 7:00 or 8:00 am, so at around midnight i headed to bed.
as my girlfriend and i are both adults with full-time jobs, and her mother is generally a laid-back person, it's never really been a problem if we decided to sleep together in her old bedroom at the main house. this way, my guest could have a place to sleep for the night at my place. so i went upstairs, jumped in bed with her, and passed out.
nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. i woke up to frantic screaming, and i opened my eyes to see my girlfriend's sister in her pajamas, pointing at me and yelling into her cell phone. i looked down and realized i was half-naked, and in her bed; immediately giving me a jolt of adrenaline as i thought *what the fuck is happening?* and scrambled out of bed. at this point, i realized the person she was talking to was my girlfriend, (who was already at work) as i had the phone thrust into my face and was greeted by "what the hell are you doing?!" my immediate reaction was to stammer in confusion, looking around as if someone would help me.
so there i stood, in my boxer briefs, being screamed at by two angry women, when i heard loud footsteps pounding up the stairs. it was their mother. now she joined in, looking back and forth between the two of us and demanding answers. in retrospect, it may have not been the best decision, but all i could do was mutter a weak "sorry" and bolt out of the room, down the stairs, and straight to work in a state of frenzied confusion.
on the way there (i actually made it on time) i called my girlfriend and asked her what her sister had been screaming about. apparently, i had been sleepwalking, because i have no memory of the following events:
first, i walked across the hall to her sister's bedroom, apparently in search of the bathroom, and went straight to her closet. i proceeded to hose down her entire collection of shoes with piss. somehow summoning more urine from the depths of my bladder, i then did the same to her bed, with her in it. as if all of this wasn't horrible enough, i leaped into bed and grasped her from behind, big spoon style. apparently i thought i was cuddling with my girlfriend, but her sister was not amused.
i did not show my face to her family for weeks, other than one awkward apology. this was one of the most mortifying embarrassments i have ever had. her poor mother had to clean up the mess, the sister was obviously shaken, my girl was highly suspicious, and the sister's boyfriend (now fiance) whom i had never met, was threatening me if i didn't somehow rectify this monumental fuckup.
i fucked up.
edit: for everyone saying either a. those people are crazy if they're still mad at you, or b. you should make it up to them, you're both right. they are not crazy people who are still angry at me, and i have since gone out of my way in showing my gratitude for how graciously they handled the situation. as of today, i am on excellent terms with my girlfriend's family. my girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's fiance now regularly hang out as a group. as i said in the comments, this isn't exactly something we can laugh about yet, but all parties involved have handled this like adults. they realize i was sleepwalking, and i realize i can't just piss on someone's belongings or person without making reparations.
SOLUTION: i sleepwalked (presumably for the first time) into my girlfriend's sister's bedroom, pissed all over her room, her belongings, and her sleeping body, tried to cuddle with her afterwards, and then ran away.
PROBLEM: Text: so, my last hour of the day is astronomy, or in this instance asstronomy, but we'll get to that later. i walked into the class, note this happened on monday, and with a little surprise, i walked in on a substitute teacher. i immediately grew happy because i wasn't going to be bothered to do anything. so the bell rang, my friendo and i sitting next to each other and the sub takes role call, and then tells us that we will work at our table groups and study different things about planets.
there were multiple planets that each group would be assigned to study on: the moon, saturn, jupiter & mars and.. uranus. i heard the sub go around and ask which one the groups would all like to do, and i heard a few groups say mars, jupiter, etc. but no one that i heard said uranus, so without thinking, the sub came up and asked which one we'd like to do, and i immediately blurted out, "can we do uranus?"
it felt like time had froze for a few seconds.. yes, i did say it like "your anus," and yes, the entire class heard what i just said, but thankfully the sub played it off laughing, thinking that i was joking and was trying to be a class clown or something, but i will never live this down.
SOLUTION: asked my astronomy substitute teacher if i could do her anus.
PROBLEM: Text: well this actually happened on the 19th, but here we go...
so it was the night of our anniversary and i am getting home from work about 9:00. my wife is upstairs putting our daughter bed when i come in the door. i go upstairs to help my wife finish reading her a bedtime story. after the story we say our goodnights and tuck our little angel in.
we make it downstairs and my wife would like to take a nice relaxing bath with a glass of wine. i offer to get the wine while she starts the bath water for herself. i pour rather large glasses of wine in the kitchen and take her one, and of course keep one for myself. while she is soaking in the tub, i finish up some work emails on my phone in bed.
once she has finished bathing, she comes out in a towel. she then proceeds to tell me how great of a husband i would be if i gave her a massage. thinking to myself, this will for sure turn into sex, i agree. she lays down on the bed and i proceed to get the glass bottle of massage oil in our nightstand. i apply the massage oil to her back as i am sitting on her butt. once an appropriate amount of the oil is applied i set the glass bottle on top of the flat part of our headboard directly in front of me. so i go to town on this massage. i am pulling out all the old school moves on this one. i want to make sure that this anniversary sex is one for the ages!
about 20 minutes into the massage my hands are finally starting to get tired as hell, and i decide to make my move. i flip her over on her back and start kissing her passionately. i run my finger down her body and caress her breasts. i start playing with her nipples while we are making out. i move my mouth to her neck while my hands slip further down her body. tempting her with the slightest touches on her inner thighs. one hand then moves back up to her breasts while the other gently massages her clit gently. she's starting to get very excited by this point in our venture, so she reaches down and pulls down my pants and starts strocking my penis. after about 5 minutes or so of mutual masturbation, forplay, and heavy kissing, she tells me to fucking her. so as i stick my dick in and she starts to moan softly. i tease her at first by sticking it in and then pulling it all the way out slowly. when she is all worked up she whispers in my ear, "fuck me!" of course this gets my blood pumping, so i start to go to town. at first, slower deep strocks until i start to get into a rythem. at about the three minute mark she is starting to moan quiet loudly. this turns me on even more as she says, "harder, harder, harder..." so, respectfully, i oblige! about another two minutes and i am going at it like it is the last time i'm going to have sex before the apocalypse. when...
all of the sudden i hear a thud followed quickly by a "fuck" and instant crying. the room is dark and i have no idea what is going on, but i notice that my chest and face have been splashed with some kind of liquid. i quickly ask what happened. my wife is now covering her face and crying hysterically. i try to get out of her what is going on, but to no avail. thinking that something is seriously wrong, i jump up and turn on the lights in our bedroom. when i look over at our bed, all i can see is my wife covered in broken glass, blood, and massage oil. i run to the bathroom and grab a towel and get her all cleaned up and somewhat calmed down. i then proceed to inspect the damage. the glass message oil bottle has created a perfect semi circle gash on her forehead about two inches long.
once the bleeding had finally stopped i then went to the kitchen and got an ice back, the rest of the bottle of wine, and opened a second. we spent the rest of our anniversary evening drinking wine and watching netflix while my wife held an ice pack on her forehead to reduce the swelling. we latter laughed about the whole situation, but at our daughters christmas program the next day we received some awfully confused looks from the other parents and teachers. i have to say that i was probably the best anniversary that we have had yet though.
SOLUTION: | gave wife an anniversary massage that lead to sex ending in the bottle falling off the headboard breaking on her forehead and splitting it wide open
| 8 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: this happened this morning/last night. i had a few friends over last night due to the fact i got my hands on a half gal of woodka. one of the people was this really cute chick who i've been friends with for a while, she ended up getting hammered just like myself and everyone else there because i make sure everyone has just a good time as me. fast forward to about midnight, people are starting to wind down, and everyone is leaving. the cute girl stays however because she lives somewhat nearby but is too drunk to even walk home. as soon as everyone leaves we go and have a cigarette on my roof -- we get this perfect view of an almost full moon, we're scrunched together keeping warm too, it's beautiful. all of the sudden she hands the cigarette we had been sharing (which was only halfway done) and says, "shit, i can't do this right now" and goes back inside through my window (i was so worried she'd fall and eat it). i knew she was gonna pass out on my bed but it was no big deal as she had done it once before on a similar night. she was knocked out on my bed basically, so i went back to the living room, cleaned up a bit, played some soul calibur 5 for an hour or so before going to bed. i get up there and she's still fast asleep. i knew i wasn't going to get any action that night but i was still happy because i knew i could still get drunk cuddles (aww yisss). so i lay down and cuddle up and just immediately pass out. i wake up 5 or so hours later (a half an hour before i needed to get up for school), and i notice she's gone. i figured she went downstairs to sleep on the couch, so i decided to take advantage of the fact i have the full bed to myself. i roll over and notice its pretty damp. i feel around a bit and realize that atleast 40% of my bed was pretty damp. i thought to myself drunkenly (maybe she just was sweating alot??), but i then got up and realized what really happened. she pissed my fucking bed. i wasnt even mad about it but it was more of an inconvenience because i had to get up anyways. i find her sleeping on the couch downstairs and she left me a couple of drunken notes saying she barely remembered last night and said she doesnt know or not but she may have pissed the bed and felt really bad about it. i sighed and woke her ass up and walked her home.
| Solution: i let a hot drunk girl cuddle in my bed with me and she ended up wetting it. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: i have two (mostly indoor) dogs that i put outside last night. i figured i'd let them in and get them in safe spots before the fireworks/gunshots of the nye celebrations freaked them out. then i started playing laserbait on the vive.
next thing i know, there's a giant explosion that shakes the house. it's the next door neighbors shooting off big fireworks. crap, it's already midnight. i go to let the dogs in, and the german shepherd runs in crazy, scared and barking. i finally manage to manhandle her into her crate and go to get the other dog. she's nowhere to be found. i grab my phone, install a flashlight app and search around the yard in case she's quivering in a corner somewhere. i don't see any way she could have gotten out, but she's definitely not there.
i spend 45 min walking up and down the street, in the cold in my pajamas, dodging drunk and belligerent college students from the apartments down the street, calling her name. all to no avail. spend another hour driving around searching, no luck.
decide to call it a night around 2am, and lie in bed, unable to sleep. i'm worried about the dog and plus i don't have my sleeping buddy (she sleeps next to my legs at night). i keep getting up every time i hear a sound, thinking maybe she's returned and is scratching to get in.
i finally manage to get 2-3 hours of sleep before my roommate/daughter's mother wakes me up to go look some more. so we drive around for another hour, still no sign. i'm not looking forward to when my daughter gets home from her sleepover.
i also found out how she got out. in a noise induced frenzy she must have rammed a corner of the fence hard enough to knock a board loose where it attaches to the garage. that allowed the whole fence to tilt a bit and gave her enough room to squeeze her fat ass out of it. it's now propped up well enough to keep the other dog from getting out for now.
it's just 2017 letting me know that it's planning on one-upping 2016 in terms of shittiness.
update:
just got a call, she turned up 700 miles away wedged in a tractor-trailer engine. rip sweet dots, you'll be missed. [pic](http://imgur.com/a/ii8ti)
Answer: forgot to let dogs in before nye bangs began, dog died.
Question: Text: this happened these last few days, so "this week i fucked up".
i have a lot of flash drives. i get some for free from work (i fix computers) and as bundles with computer components that i order for myself and customers. they give them out like candy. because of this, i tend to just grab a random one when i want to transfer something, be that an install package for a new computer fix or in this case... one of my porn folders. usually i cut/paste those when i'm moving them around, usually to my laptop connected to the tv.
fast forward to the fuck up: i gave my cousin one for school (she's a junior in high school) since her old 2gb one was garbage. yesterday morning i get a call from her freaking out that the thing has a bunch of my little pony porn on it and she thinks shes carrying around a bunch of illegal files on campus. i half pretend it must have been infected and half tell her cartoon porn isn't illegal and to stop freaking out and just delete it. she threw it away apparently, but hasn't texted me back or answered any calls since then.
i've been sitting here wondering where this will lead. i'm guessing she didn't buy my infected excuse. as someone with a relatively conservative yet large family that loves it's gossip at the same time, i doubt it's going to stay quiet. hopefully my endless kindness at giving her the drive in the first place will stop her from blabbering.
Answer: wipe your flash drives before giving them to people and stop clopping to cartoon horses.
Question: Text: so like many others this happened a bit of time ago.. but this happened at night and i was leaving a parking lot with a few of my friends in the car. as i exit this truck pulls in and bright lights me! this happened to me a lot, i guess my dims were brighter than most? anyway.. i immediately make a u-turn get behind this son-of-a-bitch and start honking and bright-lighting the hell out of this dude. i follow him all through the parking lot until he parks and i continue my tirade! when i feel i have sufficiently made my point i pull away back to the exit once more.. all of this to realize as i pull out ... that my headlights were off... so i'm like, "oh.. my lights are off" to which one of my friends responds.. "you're a fucking dumb ass" i have never felt more ashamed in my life and still do to this day.. this poor old man had been trying to warn me.. uhg!
Answer: | guy tried to warn me my lights were off while driving at night and i probably ensured that he will never help another person ever again..
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: my apologies for the formatting and syntax.
i broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, we'll call her olivia. she's extremely nice, to the point that i felt like an asshole for being with her. she's also mildly christian, which i didn't really know about until the first time i tried to get intimate with her, she kinda freaked out and said she was waiting until marriage, which i respected. but i felt like an asshole for wanting to have sex with her, so much so that whenever we would be making out i'd be hating myself for wanting to phuck her. also, she was extremely clean, no profanity, she didn’t ever say anything bad about anything or anyone, and when i did say a fock or shit in front of her i felt like an even bigger asshole. she didn’t get my humor or really like my music either. there were other issues too, but those were the main ones.
i broke up with her, and she went away on a vacation, i was by myself and was feeling real depressed and angry wondering if i made the right choice. she was the first serious girlfriend i had about 8 months, so i was reconciling. my brother had left town and my parents were on vacation as well, out of cell range. i don’t have many other friends, except for a mutual friend, anna. anna started texting me after olivia and i broke up, about three weeks after the breakup anna said she wanted to blow me, be fwb’s, me being the horny virgin teenager thought this was a good idea. i was never physically attracted to anna, i just thought that i could “power” through it and it’d feel good. i picked her up, we went back to my place, made out a bit, and then she started. i was half into it, i tried to make an effort, but i couldn’t, during the whole thing i realized that i really didn’t want to do this; i was just acting irrationally from being alone. safe to say, my mind started wandering, and after 5 minutes or so, she kinda stopped. we tried some other stuff, she mostly trying to turn me on, but i was not into it. i went flaccid. things got awkward. then i drove her home.
now, this has been said lots of times, don’t stick your dick in crazy, i didn’t know how crazy she was. anna told her ex, who is also crazy and is really close friends with olivia. the ex has started to threaten me, saying he’s going to tell olivia that her best friend blew me. this would be bad because i still want to be friends with olivia, having her know will make me feel the true assholeness of my actions and being cowardly i'd rather not. also we have the same group of friends and i don’t want to be “that guy" or have people know about my first time.
| Solution: i got dome from an ex's bff, bff's ex threatened me. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Q: Text: so today i got stopped in the halls by our scary dean of students, because i was wearing a sweatshirt. i go to a catholic school and there are lots of rules, like wearing sweatshirts isn't allowed during school. unfortunately, my phone was in my sweatshirt when i took it off and it fell out, so he proceeded to confiscate that as well. when they take phones they take them to the front office and charge you $20 for it back at the end of the day. so i'm one of those rare people that has their phone set to never fall asleep and unfortunately it was on when it fell out. when he looked at my phone and saw my screen he looked like he was ready to kill me. somebody had photoshopped a picture of him and made him look like a transvestite. he had a tight-fitting dress on and to top it off a pair of old wrinkly balls was hanging out from below the dress, it was very well done. so, unfortunately, he assumed i made the picture and i am now facing saturday detentions (detentions in school uniform on saturdays from 8 am-12 pm where they force you to clean the school for the entire time) for the rest of the year. i would put the picture up to mess with the fucker, but he still has my phone and he also forced me to delete it.
A: don't set your phone to never fall asleep and get it taken away by a 6"4' scary academic dean that doesn't respect your privacy.
****
Q: Text: i was feeling kinda depressed. had an argument with a loved one. pushed them to tears by saying some extremely horrific words. never hated myself more. i don't have the balls to do serious self harm so decided to claw at a portion of a skin until blood starts dripping. strangely, it didn't hurt that much so i increased the area being scratched from my thighs to ankle, working on it like an artist. now my leg is dripping with blood and i am thinking that the worst is over. not gonna lie, it felt good to hurt myself, i was planning to do it more in future... thinking of it as a great way to distract yourself. but once the blood flow stopped and the long continuos wound started to heal , i realised that i fucked up. it's been a day since and i basically can't walk now. had to skip work with the excuse that a mysterious bug bit me. never regretted something more in my life. lol.
A: tried to do some self harm, regretting it now.
****
Q: Text: so this finally came to a conclusion today, but the asking out actually happened just over a week ago.
me and my best female friend were lying in her bed watching the new game of thrones. we were cuddling because it was cold and i started to sort of try to escalate things (thought fuck it why not). she stopped me and asked me what i was doing and i though screw it and told her maybe we should start seeing each other. which ended up with a tentative yes and see how things go, as she still had some feelings for another guy which she wanted to get over, and was ok with trying this.
over the course of the previous month my best friend of 7 years had been convincing me to do this. he had hooked up with her previously but swore he didnt care anymore and that we were perfect for each other etc.
after the news reached him on what was occuring between us, he decided to suddenly proclaim his feelings for her and how much he wanted to be with her. as it turned out the guy she had feelings for was him. and thus began the worst weekend of her continually going back and forth between me and him, changing up who she wanted to see and generally being an emotional wreck.
after much decision making she decided to start seeing me. and his reaction was to throw a tantrum and make her feel ridiculously bad. the only way i can describe what happened is a baby not playing with a ball and the crying when someone else picks it up.
as a result of this, i lost him as a best friend, and due to the nature of the emotions of the girl i was going to see after my now ex best friend cracked it, she decided not to be with either of us, but were still friends fortunately.
A: | asked out female friend. tentative yes. best friend throws a tantrum. am still single minus a best friend.
****
| 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[Q]: Text: today i needed to go to the atm as i wanted to buy something i really didn’t need. i was like “why not? let’s just do it”. take in count i’m a student, so i’m short in money.
when i arrived, the atm’s screen was turned off, i didn’t like the idea to go anywhere else, so i randomly pressed buttons until it started working. i stayed there for like 10 minutes waiting for it to end starting (it was a computer with windows, i think). for some reason, i heard metallic noises behind.
starts working and shows the typical message waiting for a card. i put my card in it even though it didn’t look working yet.
suddenly, the screen changes to a “out of service” message. too late, i already had my card more than half way inside and it got stuck.
i saw an opportunity to get it out with a pair of tweezers. i ask for help, but no one there has anything useful. nonetheless, they suggest me to completely push the card in so the atm ejects it.
the machine swallowed my card and the metallic noises return.
i ask an employed what the hell is going on, he doesn’t know and says i should wait.
2 minutes passed. the atm makes a new and noisier sound from behind. the employed comes and tells me my card was destroyed by the machine and i need to request a new one.
the problem is... my card was also my student id, that’s why the request must be made to the school.
went to student’s services and they explain me i need to pay for a replacement, replacement that will come in a complete month.
yeah, i’m without money for a complete month.
btw, i apologize if my english is bad, i'm trying.
[A]: i stupidly tried to use an out of service atm that destroyed my card and got me out of service, too (no money for a month).
[Q]: Text: hello all! let's get down to it.
i am a college student home for christmas break, and today i decided to be a good son and pick up my younger brother from school so my mom wouldn't have to. as i was walking out to the car, i noticed my neighbors were outside (which will become relevant later), i waved and hopped in the car.
when i got in, i noticed something interesting on my mom's keychain, it had a button on it, so i pressed it lightly and a compartment opened up. i was curious, so naturally i craned my neck and looked real close as to what was inside the compartment. naturally, a small nozzle came out and sprayed me with mysterious mist.
this is where shit hit the fan for my day.
just the force of the spray hurt my eye initially, but it followed with a pain so intense i was seriously frightened for my vision. i sprinted out of the car and stumbled (i was very off balance and couldn't see) to the front door, yelling plenty of expletives and obscenities on my way through. i did, however catch a glimpse of my neighbors across the street, who were standing quite still with their hands over their mouths, but i didn't have time to catch much more of a glimpse then that.
the rest is about what you would expect. more or less the most pain i've ever felt in my life. it's been an hour and a half and my face still hurts like hell and my eyes are swollen.
overall 10/10 would do again.
[A]: funny thing on my mom's keychain turned out to be mace, cussed out the neighborhood on a frenzied path into my house, died a little on the inside.
[Q]: Text: today, i had a connecting flight in mexico city on my way to peru (from hawaii). i have been traveling for about 17 hours and am so used to traveling in the us where my phone updates the time automatically that i didn't bother (or even think of) checking the very rare clocks to make sure i had the right time. i was jollily eating dinner approximately 50 ft from my terminal and missed the flight because my phone had the time as 1 hour behind. i didn't hear them call my name because the restaurant had tv and music playing. i had to run around mexico, knowing no spanish, trying to book the next flight into peru. i finally got one but it ended up being an extra $700. i was the crazy white lady running around the mexico city airport crying the whole night thinking i was going to be stranded.
[A]: | tifu by being an idiot and not checking the time zone. i had a $730 dinner with shitty fajitas and a mediocre mojito.
| 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: like most posts, this fu did not happen today but about a week ago.
my wife is pregnant with our first child (we each have a kid from our previous marriages). she is about six months along. for her birthday this year, i paid for her to go on a trip with some family. we have two dogs. she was very nervous about me taking care of the dogs while she was away because i can be forgetful. she was worried i wouldn't feed them, let them out or give them water. i assured her it would be alright so she went.
i came home for lunch a couple of days to let the dogs out. now my wife and i have not had sex in several months. since i had the house to myself, i decided to take the opportunity to look at porn on my ipad and jerk off. fu#1 - i had promised her i would never look at porn on my ipad because of the kids. but i was bored and horny. so during lunch i jerked off.
now while i was in bed jerking off, i received a text from my wife saying "whatcha doin?" fu#2 - i told her that i was working but i would be going back to the office soon. the next day while i was jerking off, i got the same message. i thought... "that was weird. she texted me yesterday while i was masturbating too." i shrugged it off as coincidence.
the day they come back, i get home from work. i walk in the door and she tells me to get my shit and get out (it is her house). i ask "why?" she tells me that she had set up cameras in the house to watch the dogs and she saw me looking at porn and masturbating. not much of a discussion. i had to get my things and go.
so now i am staying at a friends house. she is telling me she is not upset that i was jerking off but that i lied to her about being at work and telling her that i would never look at porn on the ipad. she has told me in the past that if i lie to her, then she would be done with me.
i love her so much. i miss her. i regret that my unborn child might be a child of divorce before they are even born. i hope i can convince her to give me another chance. i fucked up big time.. it looks like it is going to cost me my marriage.
edit: let me clarify that she said she could not watch the footage until she got home. while she was away, she did not know what i was doing. just that i had set off the camera.
edit#2: lets chill on the "your wife is a bitch" comments. she is still my wife. i came here for different opinions ( which for the most part have been great). i am really interested in the female perspective. maybe even from women that are admittedly not that trusting.
Solution: | wife went on vacation. i jerked off. she caught me on camera. got kicked out of the house. | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: so i had this great chance to go to the second phase of the interview process with a great start up. what i wanted to do, in a state i wanted to live in, in my major, close to someone i was getting close over the phone. as someone who graduated two years ago at 28 and has been working at a dead end job all his life, this was a huge opportunity. i even have been delaying the job process to another job which i am no so excited about doing. the test was going to be sent out 2pm pst (4 pm cst). so for a few days i’ve been memorizing 4 o’clock. when i got home today, i read up on tips and tricks about my assignment and just try and get a feel for how i would do it.
somehow in all the memorizing and labor day trip i took i got it in my head that it would be sent out at 4 pst (6 cst). imagine my horror and shock and grief when i saw that it had been sent out already and the deadline passed. i quickly wrote them a apology email and explained myself but i doubt it’ll do any good.
so now it looks like i’m stuck between a dead end job and freezing my ass off in michigan doing something i don’t want to be doing if i haven’t ruined my chances their too. worse thing is, i can’t even confide in my friends or family as this will just confirm how much of a screw up i am.
any tips on how a southern boy can keep warm in a michigan winter?
edit: they gave me a second chance to do it!!
Example Output: i can’t tell time or adult.
Example Input: Text: now i know all of you are thinking the title is pretty self explanatory and that i was simply twirling a knife around and i end up cutting myself. this is sadly not the case.
the scene is set on a wonderful summer day when i was 12 (am 18 now).
my parents were both at work and i decided i would take my little pocket knife outside and find some stuff to cut up. i had always been warned of the dangers of playing with my knife and how i could cut my self, but being told not to do something only made me want to it more. in my yard we have a lot of trees and being the genius i am, i decided to see how good i was at throwing a knife.
first i need to tell you guys what kind of knife i was going to attempt to throw at a very hard tree. this knife was worth about $5. it had a flimsy plastic handle that was held in place by one very loose screw, the blade was about as dull as a hammer, the tip was more round than pointed, but it was a knife and god damn it if i wasn't going to throw it and make it stick in a tree.
so i set myself up about 10ft away from the trunk of this tree, hold my knife by the blade and let it fly. it hits the tree sideways and bounces to the ground. hmmmm that's no good. i decided if i threw it that way again i would shatter that plastic handle.
i go and pick up my knife and this time set myself up 5ft away from the trunk and decide that i should throw this piece of shit knife just like it's a dart. i take hold of the knife with my index finger on the back of the handle (for a little more power of course) and let it rip.
right as i threw it i knew i had messed up. i had twisted the whole knife sideways with my index finger and the knife hit the tree perfectly sideways.
i watched with horror as the knife bounced off the trunk of the tree, countinued to spin until it was pointed at me, and began its descent toward my legs and feet.
i should let it be known that 12 year old me thought that the proper foot wear for throwing knives at trees were flip flops.
as i watch this knife come toward me i turn around as much as i can in an attempt to outrun gravity. still watching the knife though, i see it hit the back of my heel, not with the super dull blade, but with the serrated part of the blade.
i quickly look at my foot in more detail and can see a gash about half an wide and half an inch deep. just as i was thinking "wow it's not going to bleed" it started pouring out of me like a faucet. quickly my entire filp flop was covered in blood. i hobbled back to my house knowing i had to stop this fountain that was my foot. i open the door that leads to our kitchen and take off the lake i have for a flip flop and hobble toward the sink, leaving a blood path the whole way. i grab paper towel and start trying to stop my blood from leaving my body.
knowing pressure would stop the bleeding i grabbed fresh paper towel and some tape and proceeded to tape the paper towel to my foot.
i ended up calling my mom, who was at work still, and had to tell her what i had done. she came home, took me to the urgent care where i had to get stitches (only 3) and was told i missed cutting my achilles tendon by centimeters.
Example Output: threw a knife like a dart at a tree, knife bounced back and hit my heel narrowly missing my achilles tendon, bloodbath ensued.
Example Input: Text: my apologies for the formatting and syntax.
i broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, we'll call her olivia. she's extremely nice, to the point that i felt like an asshole for being with her. she's also mildly christian, which i didn't really know about until the first time i tried to get intimate with her, she kinda freaked out and said she was waiting until marriage, which i respected. but i felt like an asshole for wanting to have sex with her, so much so that whenever we would be making out i'd be hating myself for wanting to phuck her. also, she was extremely clean, no profanity, she didn’t ever say anything bad about anything or anyone, and when i did say a fock or shit in front of her i felt like an even bigger asshole. she didn’t get my humor or really like my music either. there were other issues too, but those were the main ones.
i broke up with her, and she went away on a vacation, i was by myself and was feeling real depressed and angry wondering if i made the right choice. she was the first serious girlfriend i had about 8 months, so i was reconciling. my brother had left town and my parents were on vacation as well, out of cell range. i don’t have many other friends, except for a mutual friend, anna. anna started texting me after olivia and i broke up, about three weeks after the breakup anna said she wanted to blow me, be fwb’s, me being the horny virgin teenager thought this was a good idea. i was never physically attracted to anna, i just thought that i could “power” through it and it’d feel good. i picked her up, we went back to my place, made out a bit, and then she started. i was half into it, i tried to make an effort, but i couldn’t, during the whole thing i realized that i really didn’t want to do this; i was just acting irrationally from being alone. safe to say, my mind started wandering, and after 5 minutes or so, she kinda stopped. we tried some other stuff, she mostly trying to turn me on, but i was not into it. i went flaccid. things got awkward. then i drove her home.
now, this has been said lots of times, don’t stick your dick in crazy, i didn’t know how crazy she was. anna told her ex, who is also crazy and is really close friends with olivia. the ex has started to threaten me, saying he’s going to tell olivia that her best friend blew me. this would be bad because i still want to be friends with olivia, having her know will make me feel the true assholeness of my actions and being cowardly i'd rather not. also we have the same group of friends and i don’t want to be “that guy" or have people know about my first time.
Example Output: | i got dome from an ex's bff, bff's ex threatened me.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example input: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: this happened today, and to make you understand, you will need some backstory.
for about one year ago, i took a piece of candy and somehow put a hella lot of chili seeds into the candy. somehow i managed to make it look like the most innocent candy on earth and i wrapped it in some real candy paper. i put it in the kitchen locker in hope of someone finding it and become the victim of the innocent piece of candy.
fast forward to today and i see a random candy just sitting in the back of my kitchen locker. as the fatty i am, i instantly grab the candy and eat it, to 5 seconds later feel the burn of a thousand suns in my mouth, 2 hours later and my mouth is still hurting from the chili...
A: | tried to troll my family by putting chili in a piece of candy only to eat it one year later...** | 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Given the task definition, example input & output, solve the new input case.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input case for you: Text: so this actually happened a couple of years ago- i hope you find my tale of woe entertaining, however.
background: i live on the us west coast. i was attending a week-long conference for the industry i work in, which was held in new york. this happened at the end of the week as i was returning home. after a week of attending conference and training sessions during the day and mixers and a couple of parties in the evenings, i was pretty well tired and ready to go home. also, maybe a little dehydrated.
i got to the airport and headed straight for my gate, made it through security faster than usual, which was nice. i grabbed a sandwich at some deli counter near my gate and boarded. i figured i'd wolf down my sandwich, put on my neck pillow and try to get some sleep- which is hard for me because at six-four i can never get comfortable in those stupid seats, but i was going to try.
just as i finished wolfing down the sandwich, a drop of blood lands on the paper. *great*, i thought- *a nosebleed, just what i need.* i figured i'd just tip my head back and hold my nose like i usually do on the very rare occasions i get nosebleeds. or maybe put a little bit of a napkin in my nose for a few minutes.
but this one isn't stopping. i can feel blood running down the back of my throat (a sensation i do not recommend). i tip my head forward to look down for a napkin and a few cc's of blood dribbles into the paper my sandwich was wrapped in.
now a bit worried, i grabbed all the napkins in a bunch, crammed them over my nose and got up. i was in a window seat so 2 people next to me had to move. since we were only a few rows from the back, i went straight to the rear lavatory. i got in and thought i'd wash my face off and use direct pressure with some fresh napkins or something and get the bleeding to stop.
nothing doing. as soon as i looked down into the sink, i sort of choked and coughed- and at least a quarter cup of blood poured out of my mouth into that little sink they have in those things.
i will never forget that image. bright red blood pooled up in the bottom of that tiny metal bowl, and my eyes watering making the image all shimmery. it was oddly beautiful, but i was also freaking the hell out.
i opened the door and got the attention of a stewardess. she tried to help for a moment, but then said "you'll have to leave the plane. even if we get this stopped, the clot will break as soon as we get to altitude."
by this point the plane was only a few minutes from its scheduled takeoff and they were going through the pre-flight procedures- showing people how to use the oxygen masks and so on.
i was pleading with this woman to help me out- i most assuredly didn't want to have to change all my scheduled plans. i also figured that if they booted me that they wouldn't give me an opportunity to take a later flight without buying another ticket, and i had budgeted for this trip a year in advance, so it wasn't like i could easily afford another cross-country airfare.
however, my bleeding had gotten a lot worse by this point. i was told (i don't remember by who) not to tip my head back because if i swallowed too much blood it'd make me sick and that'd be even worse than what was happening so far.
by now there was probably a cup of blood in the sink, and while we had managed to avoid getting it on other surfaces or on other people, there was piles of red-soaked napkins and paper towels everywhere.
now the flight attendant was looking kind of freaked out- this was not stopping.
did you know that they actually *do* get on the intercom and ask for a doctor? i thought that was only in movies and books. i almost laughed at the absurdity of it all.
i was starting to get really worried and was ready to disembark, maybe the airline would have some kind of medical emergency provision or something, because i didn't want to bleed to death in the back of a jetliner.
but how would i get out without bleeding on everyone all the way down the aisle? by this point i was having to spit/cough out a mouthful of blood every twenty seconds or so. i had blood on my face, in my beard- trust me, you never want dried blood in your beard- and i was really freaking out.
the other passengers near the back were by and large quite calm. nobody gave me the stinkeye, for which i was grateful, and no one tried to offer advice. there were some looks here and there.
the captain said over the intercom that there'd be a slight delay, and just then a guy came to the back- a younger guy, dressed like he was coming back from a hike or day trip.
turned out we was a nurse. he was returning from, i believe, africa- where he'd been doing medical work with some folks out there.
this guy was amazing. he talked down the flight attendant fast, who was ready to throw me off the plane bodily, and went to work. he snapped on a pair of latex gloves, poked around my face a little, and within about two minutes he had the bleeding under control, then stopped within about ten minutes, by packing my nose with gauze from the medical kit at the back and very calmly just handling his business. it was actually amazing to watch him work.
a few minutes later, he told the flight attendant i'd be fine to fly- the packing would handle it and the pressure wouldn't be a factor- and gave me some tips about how to take care of it when i got home (mostly just leave it for long enough, then take it out carefully using warm water to loosen it if necessary).
i will forever be grateful to him- a nice guy in the right place who knew what he was doing and took care of business.
by now it was only about ten minutes past our scheduled departure time. but then... they had to get a biohazard/hazmat team- or at least a bunch of people wearing plastic suits, gloves and masks- to clean up everything in the back and make sure all the surfaces were sterilized. they came down the aisle of the plane in gloves and with facemasks, and the passengers forward of us were a bit freaked out, obviously. they also had to replace the medical kit, and get paperwork certifying all the supplies used had been replaced, then it had to be sealed and signed off on, so more people in and out of the plane, up and down the aisles.
and as each of these steps went on, the captain treated us to a status update over the intercom. he was very nice about it, but every time he said something like "we just have to wait a few more minutes for some paperwork about the first-aid kit, folks. they're bringing it now", and so on- i sunk a little lower in my seat.
by the time we actually took off, it was well over an hour past our scheduled departure time. i spent the flight with a scarf around my eyes as a makeshift blindfold, trying to sleep to avoid the punishing gaze of my fellow travelers- which may not have even existed, but i was so embarrassed that even when we landed i waited until almost everyone else was off the plane so i could exit without having to look at everyone who i'd managed to delay.
Output: | i had a nosebleed and caused a biohazard incident on a cross-country flight that delayed it for well over an hour while they cleaned up. | 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: this fu happened two months ago but has been haunting me since. a few months back i was driving around with my friend in the burbs. we have a weird sense of humor and as we passed a few deer laying down by the side of the road, i started talking a little shit to them. i proudly asserted that one of them should "stand up and be a man".
and they heard me. since then, i totaled my '02 camry, my 2011 audi a4 (stretch purchase, but i thought i'd have it for a while, lol) and most recently, the 2015 audi a4 that the dealership gave me two days ago.
i'm not a fantastic driver by any means, but i swear to you all they have been charging my car like kamikaze pilots in ww2. the fu's have cost me dearly and i come close to pissing my shorts every time i drive at night.
just dont talk shit to deer.
Output: - talked shit to deer and totaled 3 cars in 2 months.
Input: Consider Input: Text: not actually today, but back in college, about 21 years ago. i feel like i may have posted this before, maybe in a thread somewhere else, possibly while drunk.
i was a sociology major before i switched to psychology, which i ultimately got my degree in. my school didn't think too highly of sociology; it was more of a business/sciences school and relegated the sociology classes to a small building on the outskirts of campus along with other commie stuff like art. as it happened, one of my friends had an art class the same time as one of my sociology classes and, if i got there early, sometimes i'd stop by to say hi before heading to class.
one day i got there and she was standing at her easel, talking to the professor. i was early, so i figured i'd hang around for a couple minutes and wait until they were done before saying hi.
as i was standing there looking in the doorway, i noticed a guy at a closer easel giving me a weird look. i didn't pay him any mind; i figured he probably just thought a guy looking in on the class like that was a little odd and i didn't blame him.
so after i'd been standing there for a bit longer, wondering just how in-depth this question to the professor was, my gaze wandered a couple degrees to the left and, for the first time, i saw the model: a nude woman.
so there i've been, staring into this classroom in the general direction of the model for a good three minutes solid. my eyes widened, i said to myself, "oh, shit," and i bolted for my class, all in the space of about a quarter of a second.
i called her later and told her what happened. she thought it was hilarious and gave me some good-natured shit about being a pervert. evidently she didn't mention it to the professor though, as every subsequent time i went to say hi, the classroom doors were closed.
Output: went to say hi to a friend in her art class; came off as a giant perv.
Input: Consider Input: Text: to make a long story short in the past i've dealt with a few problems down stairs and had a check up coming up with a doctor i've never had before. my regular doctor no longer took my insurance so i was meeting with this one for the first time and got right into the being pant less part. nice first impression if i do say so myself.
so the day of the appointment i'm all nervous about having some stranger poke at my testicles. everything went as planned until i dropped my drawers. as she's down there doing whatever it is they do she asks if i'm sexually active. this is where it gets pretty sketchy. i try to lighten the mood and make a nervous joke. my mistake was when she asked me if was sexually active i said "i wish."
so at this point i wanted to die and she stopped doing what she was doing and looked at me and said "excuse me." at this point i knew i fucked up and apologized immediately but i was told to leave and i would be receiving another doctor and will be expecting a phone call from them in a few weeks. so there. what i thought to be a harmless joke at my own expense turned into me losing a doctor. lets just hope that phone call isn't a sexual harassment lawsuit.
ps excuse the title, i'm rather tired.
| Output: made a sexual joke while my doctor was touching my balls. she banned me from being her patient
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: this, unlike most tifus actually happened just a few hours ago. i'm just writing this before i go to bed because i feel some will find it entertaining. also this is my first post ever so i hope you all enjoy.
i was on my way to my lovely checkers at around 12am, just getting off of work pretty damn tired and agitated by how the day went. the typical busy saturday night at a popular local restaurant and the fact that my mom said she was going to cook but decided to tell me just to get us some burgers so i thought whatever and did. not that i'm spoiled; i had just been thinking about the roast she was going to make the whole eight hours i was at work.
so i get to checkers, not even all that hungry anymore, but she was so i got her a burger and myself just a medium order of fries and a drink. i begin to pull up and wait behind the other person in the line. i had this odd feeling of "hey, roll up the window." but i disregarded it because it had never been a problem before.
so i'm just waiting patiently, when a very, very unexpected and unwanted visitor lands on my arm. now let's get this straight, i'm not terrified of bugs or anything, in fact i hardly care if they are near me but when those fuckers decide to crawl on me when i'm not expecting it i. lose. my. shit. so this visitor, is a tree roach. palmetto bug, american roach, whatever you decide to call it. ya know, the ones that fly. i instantly jump and it proceeds to terrorize me for a couple of seconds then flies to the back seat when my old dog i had decided to bring for a ride is probably wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. so already you see the predicament i am in. its dark, there is roach in my car, and i hate when bugs crawl on me. so after this happens, the car in front of me finally gets his food so i pull up. this is where the fun begins.
i pull up, the tired looking worker tells me my total and i hand over the cash. then i try to find some exact change, so she closes the window while she waits. so while im looking for my change, guess what happens. that little fucker joins me again, or so i thought it was him. this time up my leg. i immediately stomp my foot to knock him off. the probably the most terrifying sight i have ever experienced inside my own vehicle appears. it flies up towards my face then towards the passenger door side which draws my attention to there. on my door. inside of the car. are between 4-7 more fucking roaches (could not get an exact value due to them scattering when i did look that way). my immediate reaction is to open my door and jump the fuck out, but guess what, i'm next to the drive through and slam my door into the bricks underneath the window. i motion to the cashier i'm going to drive around and she looks, along with 3 of her coworkers, as if they had seen a ghost. they fucking knew and didnt tell me shit. so as i drive around i see them sneak into ever crevice and cranny they can find in the vehicle. so while ive finally managed to get out the car, i manage to kill two of them at least before they sneak off. it is like a war zone in my car and my dog is just staring at me like im going fucking crazy.
about 2 minutes after i drive around and am standing outside of the car looking for more my food comes out, they decided they were going to compensate the $00.39 i owed them due to my troubles. thanks. really, i don't want to go back into that death trap, thanks. but wait, i still have to drive home. in the dark. for about 15 minutes. with these terrifying hell-spawn of roaches.
on the way home i am in almost full out panic attack. i know they cant hurt me but its just the feeling of something crawling on me when i cannot see it. the whole way home i jump at the slightest of brushes on any part of my body. im gripping the steering wheel about 10 times as hard as normal and going about 80-90 in a 55.
so when i get home i jump out immediately take my mother the food and grab our roach spray which so happens to let out a pretty much jet stream of holy-powered-roach-killer. crack my door, and spray, and spray, and spray; until i can barely see my steering wheel through my window because there is so much of the death smoke in my car.
now. all i must do is wait. still in panic mode i jump at slight brushes or the psychological feeling of a roach crawling on me. i'm pretty much way too spooked to even go to sleep. knowing that i have to drive it tomorrow and they could have multiplied somewhere in there. laid they're eggs or created a nest. i'm fucking terrified.
| Solution: waiting in drive thru. between 4 and 8 tree roaches find their way into my car through my open window. have to drive home with them hiding and crawling on me as i flip fucking shit. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: as is the case with most tifus, this didn't happen today. it happened this past summer, while i was working at a white water rafting course. i was volunteering for an event my robotics team was hosting, when i spotted this girl. she had short blonde hair, and was wearing a yellow hoodie with yellow shirt under it. the shirt had a picture of a triforce on it.
let's call her zelda, to protect the innocent.
seeing as i find nerdiness, like, really hot, i was instantly attracted to zelda. i also had no self esteem at this point in my life, so i didn't have the courage to strike up a conversation with her.
i sorta hovered around her for a while, but she was drawing something in a sketchbook, so eventually i gave up and was getting ready to leave; the event i was working was almost over.
then, out of the blue, i notice zelda walking towards me with the drawing she was working on. she introduces herself, and gives me the drawing, and she even tries to start up a conversation.
i was completely blown away at the notion that zelda had just seen me across the way and had liked what she'd seen enough to draw a picture of a dragon for me (i still have that drawing by the way, it's an amazing drawing), so this emptied my mind of all coherent thought.
i didn't think to ask for her number or anything! i had a very brief conversation about the event i was working at and then i left.
the moment the car started i regretted my decision not to ask her for her number, and i've been beating myself up about this ever since.
Answer: i was too stupid to ask for a girl's number, and i've been kicking myself about it ever since.
Question: Text: so, this happened roughly 4 weeks ago, on a wonderful wednesday night.
it was after the semester ended, so a good friend of mine decided to hold a small sleepover party. he lives in a pretty dope house; his basement itself is probably the size of my one floor flat of two bedrooms. we weren't that many people, but enough to comfortable chill in the basement.
we decided to order some pizza for dinner, and got a bunch of large size pizza boxes, along with some drinks and a few dipping sauces (not gonna lie, bbq dipping sauce is so damn good). we all decided to watch a movie while enjoying our pizza. my friend wanted to watch the movie annabelle. this horror movie came out a few years ago, and it's about this cursed doll that does some weird crap in the house with a lot of spookyness and whatnot.
so he puts up the movie, and we all start watching while munching on our pizzas. now, to be honest, i wasn't thoroughly impressed with the movie. maybe it's just me, but i was honestly expecting the movie to have a lot more gore and some other weird shit going on. there were a few parts that made me brace myself with the build-up of tension, but the way they released it was pretty disappointing. i still enjoyed watching the movie though, probably because i saw it with all my friends. but otherwise, wasn't all that impressed.
my friend? this guy was straight up tripping and freaking out and shit. i guess he just can't take horror movies that well. this guy probably needs to watch the exorcist, but then again he'd probably piss his pants just by watching that.
now, my friend has two younger sisters, one of them being an 8 year old girl. she has this doll, which was in the basement. we kept passing the doll around, joking that it was annabelle. my friend would curl up whenever some spooky shit was going on in the movie, and as that happened, we would throw the ball at him, scaring him. by the end of the movie, we kept calling this doll "annabelle".
this doll didn't look nothing like the doll from the movie. it was a decently big doll actually, around 2 feet. it had blonde hair, and wore a green dress. it also had a bit of heft to it as well. throwing it at someone, it wouldn't be like hitting them with a brick or anything, but it did have a bit of impact.
fast forward to a few hours later, and we all decide to go to bed. some slept on the floor with some bedsheets, while i slept on the rather comfy couch. my friend went to his room (in the basement) and slept in his bed.
not even 10 minutes in, i get this horrible idea. the doll, or annabelle as i should refer it to, was on the floor beside me, its shiny eyes reflecting the small bit of light coming from the window. i thought, "hmm, what if i put the doll in his bed in the middle of the night, how would he react?". i ask my buddy who's on the other couch what he thinks about this, and he's just like "lol bro you gonna scare the fuck outta him, but yolo i'm down". a few others who overheard also agree to this vile plan.
*what a genius*, i thought to myself.
i decide to wait a good 30 minutes, until i can confirm that my friend in his room is fast asleep. in the middle of the 2 am night, i tiptoe to his room, annabelle in hand, and slowly open the door. my friend is sleeping like a log on his bed. *perfect* i said to my self, and slowly walk up to his bed. with the dexterity of a surgeon, i tuck annabelle into the covers, right beside my friend. success! i carefully leave his room, close the door, and tiptoe back to my couch, where i laid down and fell asleep. it was a busy day, so i thought i could get some decent rest.
or so i thought.
it was probably around 5 am, where i woke up to the scream of a fucking high pitched banshee:
**ahhhhhhhhh what the fuck**
followed by the sound of a loud *thud*, and then the sound of glass shattering. most of us woke up, and ran over to his room. my friend was shaking, hyperventilating, his face that of a puppy scared of the clap of thunder, and in sweat. i think the sound of this guy's shrill scream woke me up fully, since i started laughing my ass off, until i realized the doll was missing...
you know how i said that the doll had some heft to it, not enough that it would hit like a brick, but still have some impact?
yeah, it had enough heft that when my friend hurled it across the room with the strength of a baseball pitched, it smashed into the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. annabelle was just lying beside the pile of shards, just chilling there, no damage to it whatsoever.
so um, yeah. rainer, if you're reading this, i'm sorry dude^(but seriously grow some fucking balls and stop getting scared of shitty horror movies like this.)
Answer: tucked my sleeping friend to bed with a toddler-sized doll, guy clearly didn't appreciate it and spiraled it into his mirror.
Question: Text: this happened just now.
so i moved into a new house this week, nothing's really unpacked, boxes everywhere, procrastination rules and all that jazz. anyway, being sunday night, and a long day at work tomorrow, i decided to run myself a bath, as the shower has about as much pressure as the job position of 'official tea sipper'. now, i kept a good eye on the water as i wasn't entirely sure how much was in the tank, and as luck may have it, it started to run out at just the right time, so i allowed it to run cold so as to get the bath to the right temperature, while i sat and stroked my pussy as i waited.
so there i am, slipping into the bath when i have an archimedes moment, and realise i seemed to have ever so slightly filled the bath too much. i decide to pull the plug out, and calculate that i've got about enough time to lather my hair with shampoo before i put the plug back in, so i proceed. a quick rub later and i go to grab the plug. where is it? i look around the uncluttered bath rim and it's not there, just the shampoo. realising the bath water is diminishing quickly, i rummage around in the bath looking for it, but it's gone. where the fuck is it? it can't be gone. the waters getting lower and lower. i stick my heel in the plughole and stop the last of my lovely hot water from slipping down into the drainpipe of sorrow and give myself a shake. i look over the bath to see if i knocked it off the ledge. nope. not there.
wait. the fucking cat. that's it, the fucking cat must have taken it. would it? i don't know, it's never done anything like that before but that must be the only explanation. i start calling 'olive! psssssst. olive!' nothing. fucking little bitch. i look around for something to replace the void that will be left by my heel as i use it to form walking and cat hunting actions, but the shampoo bottle is oval and won't fit, and there's bugger all else in the bathroom apart from toilet paper, and there's only enough for a shit in the morning, so i can't use that. i decide that the cat can't be far and choose to jump out and try find it, it couldn't have taken it much of a distance. i leap out, check the bedroom, nothing, the hall, nothing, all the while i can hear my wonderfully heated elixir of cleanliness disappearing fast and go back in to find just a few inches left. there was no point saving it. what was two inches going to do? as i gazed at the water slowly disappear forever down the plughole, i reached round to scratch my butt. and that's when i found the plug, stuck to my ass.
Answer: | filled bath with last of hot water, let some out as was too full and couldn't find plug as it had suction cupped itself to my arse.
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: this happened when i was a chubby 13 year old boy who would devour anything in sight:
i visited my mother's bedroom to find a tube of mini m&m's just sitting on the counter. me being the *fatso* that i was, i locked my sight on that m&m tube and ran towards it.
i grabbed the tube in my hand, popped the lid open, and put all the contents in my mouth.
*no ragrets*
after emptying that tube into my mouth, i had come to a horrifying realization:
*these were not m&ms*
my mom just finished cutting my little brother's toenails, and discarded the nails into that tube for an easy clean up.
i have not touched mini m&m's since...
i ate toenails.
Text: tifu by having my penis touched for the first time.
i've made some edits to the story so hopefully it is easier to read. sorry that it was poorly written before.
---
when i was younger, i went on a lot of mission trips with my church. this takes place the summer after my 15th birthday.
we all piled into the astrovan, 8 of us. my best friend growing up (let's call him sam), the main female in the story (let's call her hanna), and i took the back seats. she made herself comfortable between us in the middle of the backrow. soon, we were all piled in, the engine sputtered to life, and we were off. the trip this year was in ohio. it was roughly a three hour trip from home.
maybe fifteen minutes into the trip, hanna brought out this massager. you may remember the type: green, four pronged, vibrating? we took turns giving each other innocent massages, but slowly, it's vibrations shook a palpable sexual tension over the back three seats of the van. it definitely was not uncommon to feel that way back then, but this was the first time i knew a female was feeling it about me, too.
her massage found its way to my legs. a glancing buzz to my thigh. oddly enough, it was not just me getting the deluxe treatment. sam as well was being given the same genital teasing flyover. she was buzzing our towers, closer than tom cruise in top gun.
then, as things reached a critical crossroads, sam passes me a note by way of his phone's notepad. "let her massage your dick," it said. i was shy, very shy, but there was nothing hesitant about the urgent fashion i pecked out the letters n-o on that t9 keyboard. my urgency and reluctance, however, had met its match in sam's ability to manipulate simple text. as quickly as i had typed no, he changed it to yes and "accidentally" let hanna see.
now, one thing we can all agree on, is a young, inexperienced male in the heat of puberty can be seduced by nothing more than a breeze. i was no different. moments later, her hand had slid up my gym shorts and her hands began to explore my crotch. i positioned a blanket over my lap and more or less gave her free reign of my undercarriage. now, despite my lifelong anticipation for what was now happening, it was accompanied by a sudden, saddening realization that she had not developed the same deft stroke that i had grown accustomed. i was the opposite of "enjoying it", but had enough worldly awareness to realize what was happening was too rare for me to reject. the setting wasn't great, her technique was worse, but i hope that you all will understand why i felt obligated to try my best to appreciate my circumstances.
fast-forward an hour. imagine all the ways cosmopolitan had steered this poor girl wrong, and sympathize with me. i was paying the price of years of poorly researched techniques in somehow trustable printed ink. the fact that this treasonous act was still being performed on my royal jewels that long after should be evidence enough of her lack of prowess. there was a lot of squeezing and tugging, not things i would ordinarily associate with enjoyment in those regions.
after a little more than an hour total, the astrovan stopped for lunch. as did the other vehicles. it was a great but only temporary reprieve. sam had a pb&j sandwich and a laugh at my suffering. i don't remember having much of an appetite.
now let me remind you at this junction that we were on a mission trip, through our church, with my church's youth group. the mission trip was to last 5 days. we'd brought sleeping bags, pillows, and blankets so we'd be comfortable sleeping on the floor of a community center gymnasium. okay. got it? now let's continue.
my reprieve, as i stated before, was only temporary. when we were back on the road, sam and i flipped our places in the back of the van, presumably to give her other arm a rest. almost immediately, it began again. i pulled my hat over my eyes, faking sleep, but the rise and fall of my blanket in my lap proved my restlessness. some thirty minutes later, something happened. something that gave me reasonable cause to write in to cosmo's complaint department and file a full-fledged grievance. the basketball shorts i was wearing hardly provided barrier to my more "protected" assets. her hand, being slid up my shorts, was right there...some guys like fingers in their rectum, i get that, but that section of the article should've been prefaced with adequate prerequisite stipulations. 1) never in a van, 2) never while with your church group 3) never suddenly, aggressively, or 4) while wearing sharp gel nails. fuck, man.
this entire time, sam is very aware of my displeasure. i think he may of giggled, just then.
fast forward five more minutes. sam, somehow still thoroughly entertained, in a merciful act of triage, gives her some much needed pointers. "pointers" of a completely different variety, if you catch my drift. i think he gestured to her the proper technique because suddenly things got a lot more focused in a great way.
suddenly, it become pleasurable. the pleasure grows. finally, in much the fashion you'd expect of someone in my situation, i was not far from relief. this is where i unintentionally manufactured my revenge on this penal penile perpetrator. i lifted the blanket off my crotch as i orgasmed, exposing my cock and creating an uncertainty as where the explosion would go. her reaction, perhaps also from lack of real-life experience, was to raise a shield to protect herself from what i can only guess she assumed would be enormous, and deadly. and actually, to my surprise as much as hers, it was. it absolutely devastated her shield. which was her pillow. the one that she would be sleeping on for the next five nights...
she made a sound then. not a grunt, or a scream. not a sound that has a name. for the sake of building it with your imagination, let's call it the "someone jizzed everywhere" sound. fleeting innocence, utter shock, sadness, fury, all boiled down into one cacophonous squeal.
we haven't spoken since.
-------
my first handjob lasted two hours. got a finger in my butt. finally came on the pillow the girl was going to need for the next week.
Text: so this happened about 7 years ago sophomore year of highschool?
me and my friend are driving around with his two cousins because they want to smoke weed for the first time. i roll up a blount in the car and we look for a nice spot to park and walk around smoking. i lived in a pretty quiet and peaceful neighborhood so no problem just smoking in an alley at around 5pm. we park on a empty street and get out to smoke. smoke and have a good time, everyone coughing their lungs out and laughing.
heading back to the car we are spraying ourselves with cologne and eye drops for the ride home and a cop car showed up. then 2 more, then another two. the first cop gets out with his hand on his gun. a fucking helicopter starts circling. i'm freaking out hard. is smoking weed that bad? am i about to go to jail? time to keep a cool head and admit nothing. so the cops take us all separately, handcuffed in the cars asking us what we were doing there. obviously they could smell the weed but lucky for us we had smoked it all. i ask them is all this really necessary for some kids smoking in an alley and he explains that apparently the house we had parked in front of while we smoked had gotten broken into and robbed. they let us go on our way no problem but damn if it didn't leave me with one hell of a story to tell.
| parked and smoked weed in front of a house that was broken into and ended up almost in jail.
| 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
instruction:
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
question:
Text: so my family is very open about everything. we go to the bathroom with the door open, we walk around the house naked, etc. etc.
we also do the incest is best thing to an extent: we do not have any sexual action with eachother. we talk dirty and smack each other in inappropriate places among other things. this is not something new and has been going on forever. nothing bad has ever happened until this incident though.
6'2" me came home from a run out in the cold and as i came inside my 5'6" mom was cooking dinner and my older sister was sitting down in a chair at the table. well my mom had to get something out of fridge so she bent over and i thought, what the hell, let's smack her in the ass. so i smacked her in the ass. bad idea!
as i had just came from outside and my hand was cold, it sent the needle feeling into my hand and up my arm so i bent over in order to try to ease the pain (kind of like putting your hand under hot water when it is cold). well my mom did not realize this and as she turned around she tried to uppercut me in the stomach (due to the height difference). instead she knocks me in the nose.
i instantly run to the sink while my mom and my sister are dying laughing. blood starts coming out so i block it off with paper towels and after it stops bleeding i go to the bathroom to clean myself up. well, she managed to hit it hard enough to make it look crooked. so i walk out of the bathroom and ask them if it is crooked and they are still laughing, so i take it and i twist it until it looks like it is normal again. despite this, it is still cock-eyed.
answer:
family is very open. smacked my mom in the ass, get punched and break my nose. now it is crooked.
question:
Text: i work at a company as a student. today was my last day at work, so i brought two bottles of rum for my mentors to say thank you. thinking they were going to love my surprise, i eagerly gave it to them but as soon as they opened the bag they said "you shouldn't have brought this here."
turns out that since it is a field position, there is a zero alcohol policy in the building. at first, i thought it was only don't come to work visibly hung over or drunk but as i saw my mentors' eyes open i knew i was wrong.
we decided that rather than hide it, we would take it down to security and explain the situation. little did i know that on the way to work, one of the bottle had cracked, so the bag was wet and smelled like alcohol. they said they need to get a statement. then they said i needed to come with them to the main security building. my mentors asked security if they could come with us, but security said no. this is where i knew i fucked up. in my university, if you get fired you get kicked out of the program, since the jobs you get and the program are linked. i was getting ready to graduate too.
they took me to the security building and interrogated me about how i got to work, where i went in the buildings, what the liquor was for and if i had drank any of it. then they called my boss. thank goodness my mentors had told him first. he understood that it was a mistake and said there was no need to test me for drugs and alcohol. security then released me into the custody of my mentors.
i then had to go talk to another boss, who is one of the top people in our profession. i was shaking. all i wanted to do was give them a parting gift and it turned into a circus. when i walked in, she looked at me and and said. "you're going to be a legend". i couldn't help but calm down and laugh. she assured me that since we went right to security and turned it in, that i was not going to be fired nor were my references or evaluations going to be impacted. she also said, don't worry, this incident wont prevent me from getting a future position there or somewhere else, which was a relief since i graduate soon. she then went on about how they will now tell this story at future orientations so the next students don't do the same.
answer:
became a legend by fucking myself with rum bottles.
question:
Text: ok so i've been going to the gym for a couple of weeks now and still getting to know people.
i'd just finished a workout and was about to get in the shower (totaly naked except for the towel around my waist).
an old guy has come in (he looked about 70) and started getting changed
him: nice tattoo (i've a huge angel tattoo on my back btw)
me: oh thanks - i like yours (he had an arm tattoo)
him: no i really meant it, it suits you
me: ummm, thanks
him: it's really sexy!
him: i bet the ladies love it
me: o...k... w- i'm gonna get in the shower now
him: oh, ok, i'll join you
me: ummmm.............
answer:
| i made small talk to be polite to an old guy and nearly ended up sharing a shower 'prison style'
| 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
instruction:
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
question:
Text: so this happened tuesday and wednesday night, and my friends found it humorous so figured i'd post it here.. first time poster on tifu
i'm a 23 year old male. i just got a new job in a sales position before thanksgiving, so put in my 2 weeks notice for my old job.
my new job has training centers where they will train new guys every 6 months. tuesday i finished my last day at my old job and instantly drove 5 hours north, with another new guy i had never met for this training, he's a 43 year old man.
man this guy likes to talk, never stops talking about his kids and wrestling, two things i have no interest in but just pretend. we got to the hotel... finally a place to unwind and be alone after hearing constant talking for 5 hours. i go to check in and they said it's just one room with two double beds... #fuck . okay whatever i'll just shower and go to sleep because i'm pretty tired from working all week and weekend.
getting to the point. over the night i woke up to something strange sounds. i see him opening up my drawer of clothes.. at the bottom of my bed wtf? he then turns around towards my bed and starts to feel my feet. what the fuck is this guy doing? he puts his knee on his bed as it seems like he's about to get in my bed. i sit up about to ask what he's doing but it seems to kick in for him and he backs up and goes to his own bed. okay that was kinda weird, but maybe he was just sleep walking. i've seen some fairly weird stuff sleep walking from being in the military.
a few hours later, i wake up to hearing him jump out of bed and go to the bathroom, later to find out he fucking pissed everywhere. he was relentless and took no prisoners.
it is what it is. i go back to sleep. i then am awoken to a sound of a squishy slapping. it took me a whole 5 seconds to realize this guy was beating his meat... he was not holding back, saying "oh my god" and "fuck yes". he did not even try to hide it and i could distinctively tell when he finished as he like slammed his foot down on the bed or something and all sounds stopped.
next day comes, trainings good. the following night, i'm tired and go to bed early again. middle of the night again he actually crawls in my bed. annoyed this time i turn on the lights and say "what the fuck are you doing" . he was stunned. and said sorry and went to his bed. i get up because i wasn't tired anymore and step in a wet spot... wut.... after a few seconds it had clicked...
this guy in the middle of the night had came over to my side of the room, pissed all over the floor, wall, and the side of my bed, then tried to get in bed with me...
needless to say i'm getting my own room tomorrow night, i made him clean up his piss and put his credit card on file for the room.
answer:
got new job, went on business trip my very first day with another new guy and shared a hotel room with him. in the middle of one night, he opened my clothing drawer, nearly got in bed with me, pissed all over the bathroom, spanked his monkey loud as fuck and i heard him cum. the next night he pissed on my bed and tried to cuddle me.
question:
Text: so, my last hour of the day is astronomy, or in this instance asstronomy, but we'll get to that later. i walked into the class, note this happened on monday, and with a little surprise, i walked in on a substitute teacher. i immediately grew happy because i wasn't going to be bothered to do anything. so the bell rang, my friendo and i sitting next to each other and the sub takes role call, and then tells us that we will work at our table groups and study different things about planets.
there were multiple planets that each group would be assigned to study on: the moon, saturn, jupiter & mars and.. uranus. i heard the sub go around and ask which one the groups would all like to do, and i heard a few groups say mars, jupiter, etc. but no one that i heard said uranus, so without thinking, the sub came up and asked which one we'd like to do, and i immediately blurted out, "can we do uranus?"
it felt like time had froze for a few seconds.. yes, i did say it like "your anus," and yes, the entire class heard what i just said, but thankfully the sub played it off laughing, thinking that i was joking and was trying to be a class clown or something, but i will never live this down.
answer:
asked my astronomy substitute teacher if i could do her anus.
question:
Text: this went down literally today and it’s one of the greatest fuck up of my life.
a little premise first. i am a flight attendant and i fly standby a lot when i am not working. from this year, earning enough seniority in the company, i could add my parents to standby travel. pretty sweet, considering the company i work for has an average no show of 7 passengers per flight. being grounded because the flight is full is very rare.
few months ago i asked for some annual leave so i could bring my mother, on the day of her birthday, and my father to a holiday destination. my family has never been well off and money have always been an issue. my mother hits 60 years old this year and i can’t honestly recall the last time she had a vacation. so i planned this holiday very carefully, from today april 23rd to april 28th. we booked a nice airbnb, a rental car and i booked the standby tickets for my family and me, flying from my native country, which is not where i live currently.
i was planning to leave the country i live early in the morning of the 23rd, land in my native country, wait few hours for my parents and get everybody to the same plane for the sunny destination.
so i booked the tickets. me from my place of work to my native country (let’s call it flight 123) and for everybody from my native country to the summer destination (let’s call it flight 456). this on the 23rd.
this is where the tifu started to unfold. for some reasons i got one extra day off on the 22nd. my last day of working was on the 21st, when i finished at 12pm. i saw the chance and i got on a evening flight to my home country on the evening of the 21st (flight 789).
being already home and not needing the flight to my home country on the 23rd anymore (flight 123), i emailed my company saying i was not traveling on that flight and if i could get a refund. company replied and said my reservation was cancelled.
this morning we were up and ready for the vacation, during breakfast with my parents i was leafing through reservation papers for the whole vacation when i noticed something and my blood froze in my veins. the sunny destination reservation number looked a whole lot like the number i gave the company, the one they cancelled. i went back to the email to double checked. i was right. i asked my company to cancel the reservation of flight 456, the one directed to the sunny destination, instead of flight 123, the one i never took. the office that could fix this for me is closed on saturdays.
it’s useless to go to the airport now, we are not on that flight anymore. i honestly don’t know what to do i still feel like a total imbecile. my mother says to not worry too much that it doesn’t matter but i really feel like a total dumbass. we might flight tomorrow, today in the afternoon i’ll try to book the tickets, but still i hope nobody ever experienced this humiliation.
answer:
| cancelled by error the vacation fight for my parents, who were craving a vacation for years.
| 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: tifu...big time.. it actually happened last night about 8 hours ago, but i'm still upset about it.
my fiancée, who i am set to marry next saturday, was supposed to go up on this saturday with the bird, as her grandmother recently had a stroke and her bird passed away.
i have spent the last 2ish months or so, training this bird, loving this bird and since i work from home, he sits on my shoulder or on my desk and he eats peanuts from me and was an overall amazing bird. i was training him so that grandma could pet or hold him if she wanted to when we got him to them for the wedding. he would run all over my arms, up to my shoulder, nibble on your ear, run back down, sit on your fingers.. just an overall good bird.
anyways, fiancée and i run to the store really fast to grab a drink, gone not even 10 minutes, normally i put him in his cage and shut the door, but i forgot to shut the door since i was in a rush. his wings are clipped so he can't really fly.
we get back and i look on the floor thinking my dog was playing with her bone, she lifts off for a second and i see my bird, my little buddy on his back not moving. i screamed at the dog to move and ran over to him but he was already gone. i'm still upset about the way he went and i know it was my fault and i am a terrible person for leaving the cage door open. i never leave it open, it was only open while i was in the room. if i left the room then he went back in and shut the door.
don't think i will have the time to find another bird before she leaves.
Example Output: i killed my future grandma's bird because i'm an idiot and left the door open.
Example Input: Text: it's a short one, and it severely hurt my pride.
a bit of backstory; i'm not 'poor' by any means, i mean, sure, i've got $1 dr in my bank account, but it's university poor. what does that mean? well, basically, there's aplenty of avenues for me to get a good feed for free, plenty of nice charities i can go in and get some food and donate later. sometimes.. well, most of the time, i feel like a shitlord for grabbing a feed for free and not paying for it. but it is what it is. i donate once every month or so with what little funds i have. i come from a lower-income family, whatcanyoudo.
so, i go down to the shops today to buy cereal and some vegies, the works. i know that nearby there's an rsl which give out free hot chocolates and mochas out of their little coffee machine thing. i figure, i'll grab two cups and head on out. i grab my first cup i hear some buzz in the background behind the bar which i am now fully aware is pure and utter scorn. *'he's not on the pokies, you can't do that!, if he grabs another i swear...'* so basically i hide behind my phone and read about the local tennis scores. i'm not actually that much into the tennis beyond the finals, but serena williams beat the screaming russian girl, so i'm all the more happy that poetic justice has been served. then i check my phone for any job interviews, none. i then go back to the coffee machine to grab a mocha, i hear more scorn. i don't think much of it, i figure after i finish this one off i'll just leave my cup and head on out. i'm feeling like a bit of a shit cunt at this point for doing what i'm doing. i finish off my mocha and decide to grab one quick one before i head off. the lady turns and notices what i'm doing. 'excuse me, you can't do that! it's reserved for people who play on the machines!', i apologise in a dutiful way, like it's something that has to be said. 'sorry, i didn't know. sorry', she replies 'no you're not'. i think of something witty say. i've got plenty of witticisms, i'm rather brash at times and i like dry wit. but nothing comes up... my tails hidden between my legs. i grab my bags and to the angry stares of several old coots i leave the rsl, rather embarrassed. so basically, because i was too greedy, i was called out.
have you ever felt like an actual poor person? i pay my rent, i'm trying to get a part time job, i study and i talk regularly to my film contacts about filming stuff, but i don't have any money to show for it.
Example Output: got too greedy when grabbing several free cuppas from an rsl and now i feel like a poor bloke.
Example Input: Text: my bf and his friends were having a discussion about kid friendly dogs. a lab was mentioned and i said that in my personal opinion golden retrievers are better (i could be wrong though) in terms of friendliness, gentleness, not biting etc.
my bf then proceeded to tell me that my opinion does not make sense since both are exactly the same dog. i said it's not and started pointing out the differences between the two breeds. it is at that point that he got mad and yelled how stupid i am since it is the same breed because both look exactly alike.
i made the mistake of stating that, even though there are similarities, the two breeds do not look exactly alike. i mean that is like saying pitt bulls and staffies are the same breed, or german shepherds and belgian shepherds are the same breed.
i'm still the stupid douche even after i showed them vs stats and photos.
*update: by "men are always right" i actually mean "my man is always right". apparently.
Example Output: | men are always right. apparently.
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: this actually happened today (shocking, i know, right?). actually, yesterday, but i had to post this after 12 b/c it is friday where i am.
anyways, i had come back from going out and i ate some chipotle (quick lpt that i used: you can ask the people who work there for a little bit more of everything; gives you nearly double the food) and i had to take a shit. i went earlier in the day and there was enough tp (toilet paper). so i went and since its home, i let the sfx fly (this is chipotle we're talking about). i turn and see that there is no tp left. now i should say that at this point my dad was home. recently he bought the amazon echo. for those of you unfamiliar, it is basically siri/cortana/google now with loud ass speakers. i've told my dad a million times that my phone can do more than it can so he's constantly trying to prove to himself and me that he made a good investment. and while i'm sitting here, realizing i have no tp, my immigrant father decides to play the star spangled banner. on full volume. i do the awkward walk down a flight of stairs while trying to keep what dignity i have left. i grabbed the tp and went back to my iron throne to continue my quest. all while our nation's national anthem was playing.
A: | ate chipotle and realized that the bomb's weren't the only thing bursting in air | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Given the task definition, example input & output, solve the new input case.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input case for you: Text: so this happened about 7 years ago sophomore year of highschool?
me and my friend are driving around with his two cousins because they want to smoke weed for the first time. i roll up a blount in the car and we look for a nice spot to park and walk around smoking. i lived in a pretty quiet and peaceful neighborhood so no problem just smoking in an alley at around 5pm. we park on a empty street and get out to smoke. smoke and have a good time, everyone coughing their lungs out and laughing.
heading back to the car we are spraying ourselves with cologne and eye drops for the ride home and a cop car showed up. then 2 more, then another two. the first cop gets out with his hand on his gun. a fucking helicopter starts circling. i'm freaking out hard. is smoking weed that bad? am i about to go to jail? time to keep a cool head and admit nothing. so the cops take us all separately, handcuffed in the cars asking us what we were doing there. obviously they could smell the weed but lucky for us we had smoked it all. i ask them is all this really necessary for some kids smoking in an alley and he explains that apparently the house we had parked in front of while we smoked had gotten broken into and robbed. they let us go on our way no problem but damn if it didn't leave me with one hell of a story to tell.
Output: | parked and smoked weed in front of a house that was broken into and ended up almost in jail. | 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[Q]: Text: now i know all of you are thinking the title is pretty self explanatory and that i was simply twirling a knife around and i end up cutting myself. this is sadly not the case.
the scene is set on a wonderful summer day when i was 12 (am 18 now).
my parents were both at work and i decided i would take my little pocket knife outside and find some stuff to cut up. i had always been warned of the dangers of playing with my knife and how i could cut my self, but being told not to do something only made me want to it more. in my yard we have a lot of trees and being the genius i am, i decided to see how good i was at throwing a knife.
first i need to tell you guys what kind of knife i was going to attempt to throw at a very hard tree. this knife was worth about $5. it had a flimsy plastic handle that was held in place by one very loose screw, the blade was about as dull as a hammer, the tip was more round than pointed, but it was a knife and god damn it if i wasn't going to throw it and make it stick in a tree.
so i set myself up about 10ft away from the trunk of this tree, hold my knife by the blade and let it fly. it hits the tree sideways and bounces to the ground. hmmmm that's no good. i decided if i threw it that way again i would shatter that plastic handle.
i go and pick up my knife and this time set myself up 5ft away from the trunk and decide that i should throw this piece of shit knife just like it's a dart. i take hold of the knife with my index finger on the back of the handle (for a little more power of course) and let it rip.
right as i threw it i knew i had messed up. i had twisted the whole knife sideways with my index finger and the knife hit the tree perfectly sideways.
i watched with horror as the knife bounced off the trunk of the tree, countinued to spin until it was pointed at me, and began its descent toward my legs and feet.
i should let it be known that 12 year old me thought that the proper foot wear for throwing knives at trees were flip flops.
as i watch this knife come toward me i turn around as much as i can in an attempt to outrun gravity. still watching the knife though, i see it hit the back of my heel, not with the super dull blade, but with the serrated part of the blade.
i quickly look at my foot in more detail and can see a gash about half an wide and half an inch deep. just as i was thinking "wow it's not going to bleed" it started pouring out of me like a faucet. quickly my entire filp flop was covered in blood. i hobbled back to my house knowing i had to stop this fountain that was my foot. i open the door that leads to our kitchen and take off the lake i have for a flip flop and hobble toward the sink, leaving a blood path the whole way. i grab paper towel and start trying to stop my blood from leaving my body.
knowing pressure would stop the bleeding i grabbed fresh paper towel and some tape and proceeded to tape the paper towel to my foot.
i ended up calling my mom, who was at work still, and had to tell her what i had done. she came home, took me to the urgent care where i had to get stitches (only 3) and was told i missed cutting my achilles tendon by centimeters.
[A]: threw a knife like a dart at a tree, knife bounced back and hit my heel narrowly missing my achilles tendon, bloodbath ensued.
[Q]: Text: so end of march i ordered a snapback off of a chinese website. i was skeptical about doing this at first because i knew it would be fake and i didn't know how well the quality would be. but it was only $10 and i always wanted to order something from from china so what the hell. then a week later i ordered a pair of red leather pants from the site. i really didn't want to and wanted to wait until i get the hat in the mail to make sure i wasn't being scammed... but i did anyways. so around april 8th the hat arrives. it's great quality, i was surprised. sure it had some missing threads but no one could really tell after i plucked them. next day i get my red leather pants. too short, and why i thought i'd look good in red leather pants that 2 chains and other rappers wore in beyond me. whatever.
so next day i post pics of my hat on facebook. said i was selling it for $30. a lot of people were interested. so then i thought wow i could make $20 from selling fake hats. then i went to the website and bought about $63 worth of snapbacks. i figure if they sell good and fast like i assume then i can do bigger orders. sounds like a good way to make money right?
so chinese merchandise takes about 2 weeks to deliver. last thursday i received a hat in the mail. it was crushed during shipping. i sent a message to the sender and told him the problem he said ok i'll send you another. though after wearing it around for a few hours you couldn't really tell it was crushed. so alright whatever. pic http://imgur.com/lgh42fz
then friday i get another snapback in the mail. not the one i ordered, but it was still cool so whatever. friday i also receive a message saying my order of another snapback was delivered, but yet i never received it. the post man is always delivering other peoples mail to my mailbox and now i assume someone else got my snapback.
saturday i get a notice in the mail saying i have something at usps to pick up because i needed to sign for it.
monday i go to the post office, pick it up. i can tell it was smashed badly. why these people don't send these in boxes is beyond me. the first snapback i got was the only snapback that was sent in a box. the rest are just put in bags, though one had air wrappers for protection and that one didn't get damaged. so i opened it, looks like it had a bag of bricks laying on top of it. smashed and paint is chipped. i sent a message to the seller, waiting to hear back.
pic -- http://imgur.com/hnzdf3g http://imgur.com/ulf6j0n
today i got two more snapbacks in the mail. not smashed even though they were just sent in a taped up bag. i'm wearing one now, the brim is super wide and short. it pretty much doesn't fit my head at all even with the first snap, though my head is huge and i had plans on selling it anyways. the second one is the same exact brand, same seller, except red. it's pretty huge. i had it at 4 snaps and was still pretty loose, the brim is kind of bent but i think it'll be fixable.
group pic- http://imgur.com/dimpx6l first one i got was the illuminati galaxy one
[A]: i fucked up by buying fake shit from a chinese website. i thought that because the first one i got was good quality they all would be. i'm still going to try and sell them all except my diamond one. i posted this group pic of them on facebook an hour ago and there's some good interest. i also ordered a pair of fake lebrons from the site which should be arriving in the next few days.
[Q]: Text: i will start this by disclosing that this didn't happen today but a number of years ago. where i live fireworks used to be sold just before halloween (not any more - maybe related to this fuck up).
one day after school i stopped into a corner store with a friend of mine. this corner store had just received their annual shipment of fireworks. now i had some money that i had been saving up for a few weeks just for this day, so i go up to the asian guy behind the counter and ask to buy a bunch of the fireworks at first he said firmly "no! you are too young!"
devastated by the prospect of leaving the store with no fireworks i decide to go grab some pop to drown away my sorrows. however, as soon as the other customer that was in the store left, the clerk told us to come back to the counter and we could buy whatever we wanted if we hurried. on top of that he had an enormous bag of illegal firecrackers he was also willing to sell. i’m talking like the mother-load all in a hockey gear bag.
ecstatic, i quickly pick out all the cool things i could see: bottle rockets, roman candles, air bomb repeaters (more on these in a minute), a couple of lighters and whatever else tickled my fancy at the time.
i pay the man. then i secure all the ill gotten goods in my backpack, and my friend and i set off, looking for somewhere to light all these babies off.
not too far away was a field that was used only for power lines and such. we started lighting off bottle rockets having a lot of fun until one rocket i lit blasted off horizontally and set all the grass in its path on fire and then as it popped it set a large patch of grass on fire.
now being the socially responsible kid that i was i immediately ran over and stomped the fire out. my friend and i came to the decision that it was too dangerous to keep lighting off fireworks in this dry field and so we decided to find an area where there wasn't anything that could burn.
the spot we chose was a dirt patch beside a ravine and on the other side of the ravine was an apartment complex and a large parking lot. thinking that this was a great place not to start a fire, i decided to bring out the air bomb repeater and stick it into the ground.
now the parking lot was empty and there was only one old guy out on his balcony that i could see, so i waited for him to go inside. as soon as he disappeared behind the curtain of his sliding glass door, i decide it's the perfect time to light off the kick ass air bomb repeater.
since the field and trees were behind us, i decide to tilt it towards the apartment parking lot so that if it hits the concrete there is no way a fire can start.
i light the air bomb repeater and my friend and i watch the fuse burn down with eager anticipation from a few feet away. just as the fuse disappears into the firework a glowing ball comes shooting out of it straight towards the old man’s apartment. it goes right through the open sliding glass door and i see the glowing ball shoot right past his curtains and into the middle of this poor guy’s living room.
the whole apartment lights up just before the deafening boom hits our ears. i watch in horror as the shockwave from the blast ripples through his curtains. i am in a complete state of shock as to what i have just witnessed as a result of my own actions.
i compose myself and just then i remember that the air bomb i bought was a repeater. i race over to the firework and just as i am about to kick it over, the second glowing ball exits from the top and takes the exact same trajectory right into the old guy’s apartment.
the most nightmarish déjà vu in my life plays out right before my eyes. the third air bomb launches into the parking lot and bounces off a parked car. my friend and i just look at each other and bolt. we run back to my house where we ditch the fireworks and change our shirts. by now we hear all kinds of sirens and casually make our way back to the apartment building to check out the scene.
to my horror there are paramedics rushing the old man out of the building on a stretcher. they even have him breathing through an oxygen mask. they load him into the ambulance and speed away.
i just stood there my heart sinking and on the verge of tears so i tell my friend we should go. we never spoke about it again.
i never heard anything about the incident afterwards, even though i kept checking the news, so hopefully he lived.
[A]: | i accidentally launched fireworks into an old man’s apartment, sending him to the hospital
| 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: so first some background: i had this smiling thing with a guy at my school. it's really stupid, and i don't know how it started, but we always smiled at each other when we passed in the hall ways, and not just an acknowledgement smile (some of you *must* know what i'm talking about.. it's one of those things where you just know). he was a year above me though, and graduated, and i thought that would be the end of that (honestly never expected anything to come of it).
but for some reason he was helping out at a school party half a year ago. we made eye contact a couple of times, and i got more and more drunk throughout the night, and at a point i told my friend about him. we were talking and passed him and as the friend she is she agreed that he was "totally checking me out". so i worked up the courage, went up to the bar and asked
"can i get a drink and your phone number?"
and guess what! i got it! and also he refused to take the money for my drink, so free drink too. so later that night i was at the dance floor, and he must have had a break or something because suddenly he was there, and suddenly we were kissing. long story short(er), i texted him but he never texted me back (maybe the free drink was him apologizing beforehand?).
couple months pass, and it's time for me to buy new running shoes, so i went down to a local store where they give you guidance (look at how you run/land etc.). i walk up to the counter and ask hey, can i get some guidance? and the guy at the counter says "sure, one sec", he walks out back to get some one to help me. and who goes there? yup. guy from before. the look on his face… and probably the look on my face as well. he knew. we both knew. you could cut the tension with a knife.
ensued the most awkward 20 minutes of my life. we both pretended to be strangers, but we both knew.
Solution: | got the most awkward running shoe guidance by a guy who never texted me back, got a free drink though. 5/10 may or may not do it again. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: this did not happen today but it happened few weeks ago in august. i was at my sailing at camp and i noticed my apple juice did not have ice. i ignored this and did not worry. on the boat, however, my juice got so warm i did not want to drink it. i got insanely dehydrated and felt like sh*t for most of the day.
Solution: | didn't put ice in bottle, almost fricking passes out from dehydration. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: didn't happen today, but was a few years ago.
my stag night was perhaps one of the best nights i've ever had. sadly it was followed by the absolute worst day of my life to date.
after almost a day of partying, drunken golf, impromptu onesie raves and god knows what else, i make it home and collapse into bed. mission accomplished, go me! i survived.
several hours later i wake up, with a monumental hangover, in fact i'm fairly certain i was still pretty drunk at the time. my first thought is to go get a nice drink of water, but i am stopped by the absolute worst taste in my mouth. probably some sort of aftertaste from a weird cocktail, who knows. so i decided to go and brush my teeth.
i go to the bathroom, grab the toothpaste, put a healthy dose on the toothbrush and start scrubbing. this is where it all went horribly wrong.
in my drunken/hungover state, i had not checked the tube of toothpaste. what i thought was toothpaste, was in fact a tube of deep heat muscle cream, and i had just put the mother of all loads of it onto the brush and into my mouth.
i was a little concerned that the toothpaste tasted a bit odd to begin with, but merely assumed that it was a new flavour. a minute later, when my mouth was a burning pit of hellfire, i knew i'd fucked up majorly. not only that, but i had swallowed a bit of it and my insides were starting to feel like i'd down ten litres of the world's hottest chilli sauce.
alerted to my screams, my wife (now ex-wife but that's a story for another day) runs in to the bathroom and see's me rolling on the floor, clutching at my face and neck as i gurgle incomprehensively. she quickly realises what has happened and calls the poisons hotline.
do you know how many people had called in with this scenario before?
zero.
apparently *nobody* had ever mistakenly used deep heat for toothpaste before (funny that). the lady on the other end of the line actually found it very amusing, but to her credit she still conducted herself very professionally and i was soon whisked away in an ambulance.
48 hours later, after stomach pumping, laughing doctors (they were in tears!) and nurses, i was at last home again. there were now labels in our bathroom because i could not be trusted to not poison myself again. i am an idiot.
Output: hungover, i accidentally used deep heat for toothpaste, burned my insides, made doctors cry from laughter, and now my bathroom has labels on everything to prevent another poisoning event.
Input: Consider Input: Text: firstly, i'm a 25yo white male that is devoid of racist views, and i take a strong standpoint against derogatory behavior. i live in a small town in canada, small enough so that word gets around if you screw up bad socially.
earlier tonight, my friend and i boarded a nearly empty bus on the way to the north end of town. my friend decides to sit in the very front seat, behind the driver, and when i sat down next to him i remembered flashbacks to my childhood when the least cool kids (me) would sit in the front row, being neglected by everyone else behind.
in the same moment, i made associations with how uncool white people can be sometimes with typical behaviors (socks and sandals, soy decaf lattes etc), and i belted out to my friend "man, we are so white by sitting in the front of the bus". needless to say, when people started staring in disgust, i realized the grounds of what i had completely unintentionally said. i had more flashbacks, this time of history class learning about rosa parks, segregation on buses and white people being massive assholes. but to top it off, the situation was so bad, i couldn't help but laugh loudly and it made me look like even more of an asshole. my friend says something like "dude... that was terrible", trying to rid himself of any connection to me or the situation but in the end it was just a huge tifu and i'm thankful that there weren't any consequences.
Output: got on a bus, sat in the front seat with my friend. sat down, thought about how things were on the schoolbus when i was younger where the uncool kids sat in the front row, i said "man, we are so white by sitting in the front of the bus". people thought i was referencing segregation and thought i was a racist pig.
Input: Consider Input: Text: so i'm petsitting for my employers this week. i work on their farm and i am taking care of their 8 cats and 4 dogs. each night i have to bring all the kitties and doggies inside to feed them dinner and they stay inside for the night.
all the cats were in except one- delilah. delilah was outside, so i went out to get her. she was purring and meowing at me and rolling around on the ground, which i interpreted as her being in a good mood. i was wrong. i went to pick her up and she attacked my hands and arms. went total lunatic. i had a couple holes in my wrists that went down pretty deep, maybe a quarter of an inch. it doesn't sound deep but that was the length of her entire tooth, tip to gum.
anyway. shook it off, wrapped up the bites after rinsing them, went and cried a little because i was pretty shocked and the bites hurt. figured i was fine overall though.
that part happened at like 6:30pm. this next part was not even 24 hours later. i was going to leave the property to grab some food, and i get in my car. i examine the injured wrist, which is red and swollen. i push on it a little bit, and it was like popping the biggest pimple ever. the bites were very infected. i call my mom, she tells me to go to a clinic, but the one near me just closed. so i go to the er.
three doctors, one round of iv antibiotics, one huge pill, and a prescription for said pill later, i am set to go home and return the next day for a checkup. they were treating the infection aggressively because of how infected it was and because of the red streaking up my arm- blood poisoning. they wanted to avoid having to cut my wrist open to wash out the infection manually.
had to go back to the er twice after that to get it checked on. an hour before the last visit, i got stepped on by the biggest horse on the farm, so they had to drain a bunch of blood out of my toe as well.
pictures of the bites (nsfw i guess? not that gross): https://imgur.com/a/ptopi
picture of the stepped-on toe (nsfw more gross cause it's a blood-filled toenail): https://imgur.com/a/klikf
delilah the cat's apology: https://imgur.com/a/hidd7
it's been a rough week.
| Output: bitten by cat. bite got infected. stepped on by a horse about an hour after my last checkup at the er for the cat bite. cost my employers over a thousand dollars in medical bills. they want to keep me wrapped in bubble wrap from now on. rough week.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: hi, guys. so, this happened about two weeks ago, but the punishment rolled in yesterday when i was scheduled to work. a little backstory first:
i work at a place that sells unique, authentic and always affordable items part-time while i finish off my last last year and a half at my university. my position at said store is the beer and wine manager. what that means is that i order all the wines and beer that the store needs for the week, but also acting as a manager when the others are busy.
now, for the last few months or so, i've made life difficult for the management staff and myself. i wasn't happy working there anymore as the company wasn't doing too well. (remember that motto from earlier? complete bs. go buy their shit on amazon and save some money.) the company started rolling out aggressive schematics that were to be enforced by the district managers and the suits that run visual merchandising. this was fine for me because i loved my department. talking about beer and wine all day was great and i've made connections with tons of people and got them to love specific beverages. my department looked impeccable every damn day. but, over time, i became fatigued of holding myself to such high standards with the addition of management never acknowledging their (mostly student) workforce. my coworkers and i would constantly joke about how we'd do everything and the managers would sit in the office on their phones, looking at snapchats, texting, looking at golfing sites, etc. (i've seen them doing all this even when we were swamped and could use the extra hand).
now, at this point, i have been looking around for another job because i need to get out of their before i pull my hair out at all the hypocrisy. i've found a few labs on campus that i could apply to and actually gain experience in my science background. plus, i would have to leave this job as fall quarter would barely leave me any availability for the hours required for my position.
here is the fuck: i just got suspended. why? being angry and blowing up on one of my managers for the hypocrisy because i finally had enough of that high-pitched screech that she calls a voice of hers, i've been needing a pinot noir that our warehouse had tons of, but they couldn't be bothered to send me a case for god knows what reason despite me only having 3 bottles on hand. so, i created a fake customer request for someone named hugh jass and mike hunt who both wanted this wine. i then create the order under the name of someone we'll call laura (a very universally hated employee with the absolute worst attitude i have ever observed). i did this and time passed on. a few days later corporate shit themselves when they saw hugh jass. mike hunt was ok, but hugh jass wasn't apparently.
so, corporate is launching an investigation (why launch an investigation when we actually needed the wine and it was such a silly act.. not even funny.. just stupid.), to which i believe is an excuse to waste some time at their headquarters. my manager said i could either voluntarily resign or be suspended without pay indefinitely. i chose the latter because i'll have found something in the meantime since the corporate machine is really, painfully slow.
and that's it! my time there was exposed me to beer and wine distribution and i have created all of the connections that i needed. i'm thankful for that and not much else. time to go find a job that pays less/better and will actually be fulfilling :)
Output: i finally found a reason to leave my unfulfilling job and make management look bad to corporate at the same time.
Input: Consider Input: Text: like most of these fuck ups, this one happened about a year ago. i was at a party in the area when i really had to take a big dump. they had those uncomfortable mobile toilets where the bodily discharge wouldnt get flushed down but would just pile itself up beneath the toilet seat.
http://i.imgur.com/vay3w5y.png
i got in there and took my dump before there would be a drunk and impatient person banging on the door. this is where my fuck up happens. i take a piece of toilet paper to wipe my ass, and when i'm moving my hand towards my buttcrack i get this warm and wet feeling around my hand. then it hit me: the shit-pile building up beneath me had reached such a height it was nearly touching my ass, and my hand went right into there. i probably had the excrements of 5 different people on my hand. i pulled up my pants with my clean hand and noped the fuck out of there. sneaked into some weird kitchen thing where i found a sink filled up with water. i wash my hands in there, but soon after i realise that that sink is used to wash off the used glasses to re-use them. i never took another drink that night, for obvious reasons.
Output: put my hand in a pile of shit, and smeared it onto the drinking glasses.
Input: Consider Input: Text: like many tifu, this happened years ago,
i was invited to partake in the hugh o'brian youth leadership weekend (hoby), i was the only one from my school that weekend and at home i was a bit of a loser, so in this setting i got a clean slate of my past. it was going great, made friends, talked to people and just had a blast. part of the experience was that they invite successful businessmen to talk to us and give advice. a man (lets call him mark) rolls in on a segway, worked for the company, and did very well for himself. after the formal discussion i decided to go talk to him about the segway specs (tech nerd) so i could get an idea of how it stayed upright and balanced. mark was very happy to talk about how the segway worked and after an hour he ended our discussion with how "you can not knock over a segway". my younger ear must have betrayed me because my bs alarm went off the charts. so i reply to him that i was certain i could tip that segway over, and his response was to step off the segway, and says to me teenage face "ill give you $100 if you can knock this over". as a guy that worked for $5 an hour shoveling manure, i immediately took that bet. got up on the segway, get my bearings (just for fun) and get ready. my thought process was, "this is made to go forward, and to make tight turns, but if i go backwards then i should be able to make a full tip" so i just yank and lean as fast i can backwards, to compensate the segway went backwards, fast. i would say i got to about a 30 degree angle to the ground, and may have gone down, if i did not hit the cinder block wall behind me. this is where the fun starts, because i went backwards the force of me hitting the wall stood me straight up, and i almost blacked out. but i was conscious enough to feel what happened next, i leaned forward onto the handle bar, and the segway went forward into the wall across the way. not really sure what happened, but apparently the force was enough to knock me off, still conscious i now have a very concerned mark (probably worried about a lawsuit) but i kept telling him i was fine and not to worry about it, being in a semi conscious state made me strangely agreeable and only asked to be helped to my room to sleep it off, i also refused the $100 because i did not knock over the segway
| Output: bashed my head into a wall not once, but twice on a segway
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: my dad's birthday just went by and that meant my birthday was also just around the corner. usually, my mom goes to this birth sign ritual or something where she meets up with an astrologer who is supposed to calculate the day my birthday would be celebrated and who for some extra money (of course) would give advice and warnings about my future. i, for one, was never interested nor believed in such things and i learned even my parents were skeptical about this. but this year for some fucking reason they'd go together, change their stance and in doing so affect me bitterly.
firstly, i'm an agnostic person who i'd say is rather inclined towards atheism and my parents know this enough to be disappointed in me(sigh). i can understand their frustration and i do enjoy some of the festivals and rituals but the whole ideology of putting mystical faces to the many hindu gods and the logic defying epic stories about each of them with basically no substance of any evidence is just not for me, i'm sorry.
going back to the story, i woke up late at 8 in the morning, having slept late last night, to a call from my parents who had gone for the ritual thing. they told me they'd be back soon and wanted me to rise and shine. i still felt tired and lethargic due to the lack of sleep so decided to close my eyes for a few minutes more.
i was awoken and greeted to a very excited face of my dad. it was half past eight now. "breakfast's ready!" he exclaimed. i sluggishly made my way to the dining room and sat down. as i started with my breakfast, my dad suddenly asks me, "you feel hard done by the marks you obtained in the exams, don't you?" this takes me by surprise but then i think he's just going to philosophize me so i just passively say yes. (mistake)
"you also don't feel like bragging about yourself, do you now?"
"umm..no" (feeling little uneasy at this point)
"and you also often worry about the future right?"
"yes, of course"
"but you do dream of making it to the top, and you believe you can make it"
"yes" (partly true)
at this point, all the dots seem to connect for my dad. these questions were actually statements made by the astrologer and the fact that my replies were spot on had now evolved his belief to a whole new level.
"that's it, it has to be", he declares as he looks at my bewildered face, "i went to see the astrologer today and he has correctly predicted what's on your mind and that means the solution to your problem is you have to wear a navratna ring for 1 and half years. he also predicted my thoughts correctly."
"but you know i don't believe in such things." (i was fighting a battle that was already lost)
"doesn't matter, you just wear it and see. there is no harm in trying."
"but i don't want to wear a ring."
"you don't have to wear it forever. it's just for 1 and a half year."
"but 1 and a half year is a really long time."
"you'll get used to it, don't worry."
at this moment, i had surrendered. there was no use of 'this is sparta!' and going on a war of words with asian parents. i had already gone beyond the point of no return.
Student: | i thoughtlessly said yes to my dad's question and he ended up believing in an astrologers word and is now forcing me to wear a ring for 1 and half years just because the astrologer said so | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example Input: Text: decided to go to havasu. i needed to drive like 100 miles through a desert.
stomach started cramping, i really had to poop. no bathrooms at least for an hour, pulled off to the side of the road. my friend had toilet paper, so this was all gonna work out (otherwise i'd have to deal with swamp ass with a slight aroma)
pulled over and walked through the desert a bit to dig a hole. set the toilet paper down and kind of propped myself over the hole.
god damn it.
the ground is covered with those super tiny invisible cactus spines and just got an entire hand full of them. well the show must go on and i remain in position doing the deed. after finishing, i pick up the toilet paper to clean what needed to be cleaned.
god damn it.
toilet paper also had those invisible spines and i just wiped the hole.
Example Output: had to poop in the desert and got butt hole spikes
Example Input: Text: this happened a few years ago during my freshman year of college. i was a virgin, and very socially awkward. so i downloaded badoo. found a girl that didn't look half bad, and who sent me nudes. we talked for a day, before meeting up at the local bookstore.
i walk into the bookstore, and couldn't see her. so, i just walked around until someone called my name. this lady was not the girl i was expecting. she weighed about three hundred pounds (not that i don't like big women) and was rather fugly in the face. however, i wanted to lose my virginity, so i kept up the smile.
we walk back to my dorm, and she begins making out with me. she stripped me, and i was hard. up until this time i had only gotten hard for men, so i was astounded. anyway, she gets naked and lays down. i start to go to eat her out, but she stops me. thinking nothing of it, i go along with it. i get myself positioned inside of her, and thrust.
from my movements, a waft of air is pushed up under my nose from our private areas. it smelled worse than fish. that's why she stopped me. holding down my puke, i just went along, doing my best to seem like i was enjoying it.
on top of that, i kept finding pieces of little black balls all over me. i guess it was from her makeup, but it still grossed me out. still, i was too nice to hurt her feelings. i ended up having sex with her for nine continuous hours, didn't get off even once. eventually, she was too sore to continue, and i walk her outside.
i tell her that no matter what, she's beautiful, give her one last kiss, and begin walking to my friend's house. i could still smell her on me. it was awful. after a few minutes of walking, i was able to relax. that's when the contents of my stomach came shooting out, all over the sidewalk. i went to my friend's house, showered, and threw away my clothes.
Example Output: was too nice, and ended up having sex with a nasty woman for nine hours, losing my virginity.
Example Input: Text: get to class, sit on desk, kid comes over, flips desk, i land on ass, mess up ankle and arm, teacher walks in, get in trouble for jumping off desk.
Example Output: | don't try to be cool
| 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: so like most tifus this happened in either 6th or 7th grade.
i went to a catholic school, and we had to do this thing called "the right to life essay". well the teacher said the topic was on euthanasia and i was thinking what does the youth in asia have to do with life? so the teacher kept talking about why euthanasia is wrong, and well i finally asked why we are talking about the youth in asia. the teacher then explained what euthanasia was and for some reason she didnt think that we didnt know what the fuck euthanasia is. i was incredibly embaressed.
Solution: | had to write a paper on euthansaia, thought the teacher was talking about the youth in asia. became embaressed. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: alright, normally i only go on normal subreddits like /r/tifu, /r/askreddit, maybe a dozen more subs i'm subbed to, and sometimes i spice it up with the occasional visit to /r/circlejerk. as you may know, a common link in the comments of /r/askreddit is / r /cutefemalecorpses. this is by far one of the most fucked up subs i've seen. however, today was specifically bad. i found it in some askreddit post and decided "what the hell, i haven't seen too many bad things lately." huge mistake. i found an post called "more of the british girl". i clicked on it and it was a cute girl with a glitter tattoo. i scrolled down a bit and saw the grossest fucking corpse i had ever seen. i'm not joking, there's some horrible shit, but that took the cake. when i get shocked by something i see my first reaction is to swear a lot and go on /r/eyebleach. so i say something like, "holy fucking shit. the internet can be so fucking fucked up." while stumbling to /r/eyebleach. little did i know, my dad just so happens to be shaving in the bathroom while i'm saying this. he stops immediately and demands i show him what made my say such "vile words".
*shit*
i press ctrl+shift+t. at first he looks at me oddly, but then sees the other picture in the album. he tells me to click on it, and before doing so i look away. he sees the picture and immediately is standing outside my room swearing in a similar fashion to me before saying, "what were you doing looking at that? i'm going to talk to your mother about this." and now i get to go watch my dad tell my mom that i was looking at a bloody corpse.
edit: i know i misspelled it. but for the sake of saying i spelled it wrong when i did it on purpose, i'll change it.
| Solution: don't go on /r/cutefemalecorpses | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Ex Input:
Text: this fuck up started years ago but only caught up with me now. when i was in my late teens and early twenties i was a shitty drug addict. i once went as far as breaking my finger on purpose to get pain medication. my family started locking up money and pills when i was visiting. around this time is when my dad had a generous prescription for kidney stones.
as you can tell i wasn't very smart back then, and in my brilliant mind i decided that if i couldn't have my dads medication i would have to get my own. i looked up the causes of kidney stones and made a passive effort to get them. my thinking was that i could play up the pain and the prescription would be worth it. in the end i didn't get kidney stones and forgot about the idiotic plan.
i've been clean for a number of years now. i started having pain and noticed pink in my piss so i went to the doctor and lo and behold he told me i have kidney stones. he gave me the prescription i wanted years ago but because i'm clean i'm trying not to use it unless i desperately need to. let me tell you, kidney stone pain is **not** worth the prescription. holy fucking hell it hurts. i doubt my efforts contributed to them, the doctor said it's most likely hereditary, yet i can't help but think it's cosmic justice. either that or i've completed a most successful long con.
Ex Output:
my past heroin addict self tried to get kidney stones for a prescription. after many years clean my present day self has kidney stones and can't use said prescription.
Ex Input:
Text: yes this did happen today. i live alone and have been sick for about a week now. i'm getting better and after having a running nose for a couple of days my nose has become dry and very itchy. so i pick my nose. (yes i know you shouldn't do that.) unfortunately if you combine dry nose picking with taking aspirin you get nose bleeds. i had one this afternoon, so i just held my head high while browsing, until i felt the a sneeze coming up. i paniced, but managed to go into my bathroom trying to grab some toilet paper while not dripping blood on my floor but as soon as i enter the bathroom i sneezed and covered it and myself with blood. it looked like someone just got killed in there. after i cried out to the heavens i started to clean up, while listening to a podcasts, but ended up being so distracted that after i was done cleaning the bathroom i forgot that i still had blood on my shirt and face. enter my neighbours kid: he's a 8 year old boy who lives downstairs, they received a package for me, he was sent to deliver it. i opened up the door looking like a serial killer and the kids runs away screaming. i had to explain myself to the initially angry but really understanding mother and vowed to stop picking my nose.
Ex Output:
had a nosebleed, forgot to clean myself, scared the shit out of some kid.
Ex Input:
Text: so, this year like every year i (20yo) go up north to go visit the girlfriend’s family and this time me, her and a few of her younger cousins decided to go even further north to go the cottage for several days and had a few fuck ups that added onto each other and made thing worse.
for a bit of context, the cottage is about 150 km from tundra in northern canada so it gets very cold at this time of the year, and of course there is no cell reception. the cottage is at the end of a 6km trail in the forest that starts off of some small highway used by truckers. the cottage is secluded and runs on generators. we are used to going up there so we go prepared, we bring a couple extra days of food and have a satellite phone to use in case of emergencies.
so, my first fuck up was sending a text to the parents as we were leaving cell reception that we would stay an extra couple of days… we never bought more supplies before going to the cottage so i’m not sure what were thinking. you’ll see why this is important later.
and now for the 2nd fuck up. when we got to the cottage the first thing we did was go play around on the frozen lake with the 2 snow machines and 4-wheeler. of course, i (on the 4-wheeler) broke through the top layer of ice, broke my front axels, got stuck and dropped my bag in the water. upset and unable to get the 4-wheeler out of the slush and ice i got back to the camp, forgetting my bag in the slushy water with the sat phone in it. i should add the 4-wheeler had our plow incase the truck was buried by the snowplow.
fast forward 4 days, and we do decide to stay an extra day. well that was a mistake and we were hammered by a huge storm that night and with the snow drifts we woke up to more than 3ft of snow in some places which made leaving very hard that morning.
this is when my fuck ups starting adding up. we had no sat phone to call for help, we were snowed in with no way to get the trucks out since the 4-wheeler was stuck in the lake still, we stayed for an extra day exhausting half of our back up food and we told people we would be back late so no would come looking for us for at least 2 more days.
it took 4 and half days after the storm before someone came to see us. by that time, we had no food left, or gas left for the generators (had to save what we had for snow machines to get out when someone got to us). luckily my gf’s family are hunters so her little cousins could trap some rabbits so we ate those and the fish we caught.
i’ve been back home now for a few days now and looking back it was a great experience but i didn’t realize at the time how dangerous being stuck in the bush like that with the weather at -30 to -40 was, i also caused a few thousands in damage to the equipment i left in the lake to freeze people weren’t to happy about that either.
disclaimer: i have terrible spelling and grammar and english isn’t my first language .
as for the ice, before people start to say don’t play on the ice if it’s not thick enough, the ice was more than 15 inches thick. what happened is hot weather created 2 inches of slush covered by another 2 inches of ice on top of the 15 inches of base ice. so, what i broke through was that top 4 inches which is more the enough to get stuck when the 4-wheeler uses tracks.
Ex Output:
| went to the cottage up north, drove our only way out onto the lake and got stuck, leaving it and our sat phone there, as we proceeded to get stuck at the cottage after a snow storm and run out of food waiting for someone to come get us.
| 1 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: so, this year like every year i (20yo) go up north to go visit the girlfriend’s family and this time me, her and a few of her younger cousins decided to go even further north to go the cottage for several days and had a few fuck ups that added onto each other and made thing worse.
for a bit of context, the cottage is about 150 km from tundra in northern canada so it gets very cold at this time of the year, and of course there is no cell reception. the cottage is at the end of a 6km trail in the forest that starts off of some small highway used by truckers. the cottage is secluded and runs on generators. we are used to going up there so we go prepared, we bring a couple extra days of food and have a satellite phone to use in case of emergencies.
so, my first fuck up was sending a text to the parents as we were leaving cell reception that we would stay an extra couple of days… we never bought more supplies before going to the cottage so i’m not sure what were thinking. you’ll see why this is important later.
and now for the 2nd fuck up. when we got to the cottage the first thing we did was go play around on the frozen lake with the 2 snow machines and 4-wheeler. of course, i (on the 4-wheeler) broke through the top layer of ice, broke my front axels, got stuck and dropped my bag in the water. upset and unable to get the 4-wheeler out of the slush and ice i got back to the camp, forgetting my bag in the slushy water with the sat phone in it. i should add the 4-wheeler had our plow incase the truck was buried by the snowplow.
fast forward 4 days, and we do decide to stay an extra day. well that was a mistake and we were hammered by a huge storm that night and with the snow drifts we woke up to more than 3ft of snow in some places which made leaving very hard that morning.
this is when my fuck ups starting adding up. we had no sat phone to call for help, we were snowed in with no way to get the trucks out since the 4-wheeler was stuck in the lake still, we stayed for an extra day exhausting half of our back up food and we told people we would be back late so no would come looking for us for at least 2 more days.
it took 4 and half days after the storm before someone came to see us. by that time, we had no food left, or gas left for the generators (had to save what we had for snow machines to get out when someone got to us). luckily my gf’s family are hunters so her little cousins could trap some rabbits so we ate those and the fish we caught.
i’ve been back home now for a few days now and looking back it was a great experience but i didn’t realize at the time how dangerous being stuck in the bush like that with the weather at -30 to -40 was, i also caused a few thousands in damage to the equipment i left in the lake to freeze people weren’t to happy about that either.
disclaimer: i have terrible spelling and grammar and english isn’t my first language .
as for the ice, before people start to say don’t play on the ice if it’s not thick enough, the ice was more than 15 inches thick. what happened is hot weather created 2 inches of slush covered by another 2 inches of ice on top of the 15 inches of base ice. so, what i broke through was that top 4 inches which is more the enough to get stuck when the 4-wheeler uses tracks.
A: | went to the cottage up north, drove our only way out onto the lake and got stuck, leaving it and our sat phone there, as we proceeded to get stuck at the cottage after a snow storm and run out of food waiting for someone to come get us. | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: so when i was a kid i received a ps1 for christmas, the first game i had was crash bandicoot, i started playing and went through a couple of levels saving when needed, and then came one of those levels where that indiana jones ball starts rolling behind your ass and i lost all my lives and turned it off but instead of appearing at that same level i started all over again and so i did every time i died. i didn't know that wasn't supposed to happen but i still played dozens of games, for years, crying everytime i lost. that poor ps1 once stayed 48 hours without resting because i could not kill a final boss.
edit: it did have a memory card, broken though.
| Solution: i became a hardcore badass at crash bandicoot because my ps1 was broken and didn't save shit. | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Q: Text: because it's pouring rain when i leave for work this morning, i decide that when my train gets into union station i'll wait for an alternate bus which will drop me half a block from work, instead of catching my regular bus, which would drop me two blocks away.
because it's raining, i take the second set of stairs at union station that brings me up on the opposite side of the passenger loading bay to where i need to be, but unlike the passenger loading bay i know i'll have cover so i won't be waiting in the rain.
so i'm standing there for a couple of minutes, under cover, looking at my regular bus on the other side of the passenger loading bay, and i slowly come to the realization that it's not actually raining. it *was* raining when i left home *and* when i got on the train, and it *has* been raining here in downtown - the ground is wet - but it's not raining now.
i decide i'll catch my regular bus after all so i start to walk towards the crosswalk...just as my regular bus pulls out and drives off.
a few minutes later another bus pulls in. i know from its number that i could catch this one, too, but it would drop me *four* blocks from the office. that's **twice** the distance than if i'd caught my regular bus. even though it's no longer raining i decide to wait for the later bus with the shorter walk.
i wait for 15 minutes. it might not be raining but it's still pretty cold. i start to think that maybe i should have caught the second bus. yes, i would have had to walk four blocks, but walking would have warmed me up.
my alternate bus finally arrives and i board it and take a seat. a few seconds later i have to change seats because unlike every other day, this morning i **didn't** follow my routine and check my seat before sitting down, and so of course my seat was **soaking wet!** fortunately i wear jeans in to work so i can change when i get into the office, but now i'm not only cold but i have a wet arse, too.
i get into work, set up the coffee, then go and change into my dry pants and shoes. 20 minutes later i go back into the break room, looking forward to that first, sweet, delicious cup of coffee...and find myself looking at an empty carafe. i'd put in the coffee grounds and the water but i hadn't hit the "brew" button.
today might be thursday, but damned if it hasn't started off like it's a monday.
A: a series of poor choices resulted in me sitting on a wet seat on the bus **and** having to wait an extra 20 minutes for my morning cup of coffee.
****
Q: Text: so i had this great chance to go to the second phase of the interview process with a great start up. what i wanted to do, in a state i wanted to live in, in my major, close to someone i was getting close over the phone. as someone who graduated two years ago at 28 and has been working at a dead end job all his life, this was a huge opportunity. i even have been delaying the job process to another job which i am no so excited about doing. the test was going to be sent out 2pm pst (4 pm cst). so for a few days i’ve been memorizing 4 o’clock. when i got home today, i read up on tips and tricks about my assignment and just try and get a feel for how i would do it.
somehow in all the memorizing and labor day trip i took i got it in my head that it would be sent out at 4 pst (6 cst). imagine my horror and shock and grief when i saw that it had been sent out already and the deadline passed. i quickly wrote them a apology email and explained myself but i doubt it’ll do any good.
so now it looks like i’m stuck between a dead end job and freezing my ass off in michigan doing something i don’t want to be doing if i haven’t ruined my chances their too. worse thing is, i can’t even confide in my friends or family as this will just confirm how much of a screw up i am.
any tips on how a southern boy can keep warm in a michigan winter?
edit: they gave me a second chance to do it!!
A: i can’t tell time or adult.
****
Q: Text: i'm in college in south florida and it's the first week of summer semester. i'm taking 2 classes and yesterday was my first day for one of them. we started the class by having a go around where we would say our name and something interesting about ourselves. it got to me and i said that i'm from new jersey. the professor didn't think that was interesting enough but i tried convincing him it was. he didn't buy it and asked me why i moved down here and without thinking i responded that i came here for rehab... it was very awkward and i hope nobody remembers it but i'll see tomorrow when we have that class again.
A: | it's 7 sentences, i think you can read it.
****
| 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Detailed Instructions: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
See one example below:
Problem: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: my problem actually started/happened months ago but i only just realized what i did.
i always tend to sign up for my classes at the university of new mexico a little bit later than i should but i've never really had any problems with it. until now. when i registered online a few months back for the fall semester, i was almost sure that i had pressed the button that said "main campus only" when searching through the available courses, i live 5 minutes away from the main campus so it's very convenient.
i did not do this and only found out about a week ago. of my five classes, 3 of them are at the rio rancho campus which is 20 miles away and one is at the los lunas/valencia campus which is 30 miles away. i don't own a car so 3 days a week i'm going to be riding 40 miles to get to and from school and on fridays i'm going to have to take the train then bicycle 10 miles to and from the los lunas/valencia campus. i can't go in to talk to an academic advisor about this because it's entirely on me and they'd laugh at me. i didn't check properly and school starts in two weeks. fml.
Solution: | i am about to get in fantastic shape, whether i want to or not :/ | 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
One example is below.
Q: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
A: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Rationale: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: i'm talking about the beer being stored at the wrong temperatures, uv light coming in contact with the beer by improper bottle color, oxidation, diacetyl, and acetaldehyde among others.
now let me say that some beer just like wine has off flavors that are considered rustic and part of what makes it special. for this story i'll be talking about a locally brewed, fairly new brewery that takes pride in its sanitary process regarding beer production.
it was a sunny afternoon and my family invited me over for a bbq and beers. when i arrived i was offered a beer that tasted really funky. my brother works for a beer distributor and gets cases of beer for cheap. he told me they don't refrigerate their cases of beer only the kegs. i gave the beer away and drank one that i brought. my brother got mad and said that i don't know what i'm talking about and then i was a being a snob. i told him i don't like old beer and now he won't buy me a discounted kegs. that's when i found out that ignorance is bliss and that once you have so much experience and knowledge on any particular subject you can be shunned by others who don't.
A: | my brother stop buying me beer because i kept telling him it tasted old | 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[EX Q]: Text: just happenend, do i get points for this?
anyways, so this morning i woke up pretty late and decided to go to the grocery store across the street from my house. so i throw on some shorts and a jacket.
i went to the store, got what i needed, payed for it. not thinking i put my debit card in my jacket. not really thinking.
fast forward, me and my so decided to go grab food. we have a good time and as i went to pay for the meal, i realized i dont have my debit card, the one i put in my jacket.
so now i am sitting at the resturant bar waiting for my girlfriend to go to the house to get my card then come back to pay for it.
i feel like an idiot.
[EX A]: don't put a debit card in a jacket.
[EX Q]: Text: so today i got stopped in the halls by our scary dean of students, because i was wearing a sweatshirt. i go to a catholic school and there are lots of rules, like wearing sweatshirts isn't allowed during school. unfortunately, my phone was in my sweatshirt when i took it off and it fell out, so he proceeded to confiscate that as well. when they take phones they take them to the front office and charge you $20 for it back at the end of the day. so i'm one of those rare people that has their phone set to never fall asleep and unfortunately it was on when it fell out. when he looked at my phone and saw my screen he looked like he was ready to kill me. somebody had photoshopped a picture of him and made him look like a transvestite. he had a tight-fitting dress on and to top it off a pair of old wrinkly balls was hanging out from below the dress, it was very well done. so, unfortunately, he assumed i made the picture and i am now facing saturday detentions (detentions in school uniform on saturdays from 8 am-12 pm where they force you to clean the school for the entire time) for the rest of the year. i would put the picture up to mess with the fucker, but he still has my phone and he also forced me to delete it.
[EX A]: don't set your phone to never fall asleep and get it taken away by a 6"4' scary academic dean that doesn't respect your privacy.
[EX Q]: Text: i'm talking about the beer being stored at the wrong temperatures, uv light coming in contact with the beer by improper bottle color, oxidation, diacetyl, and acetaldehyde among others.
now let me say that some beer just like wine has off flavors that are considered rustic and part of what makes it special. for this story i'll be talking about a locally brewed, fairly new brewery that takes pride in its sanitary process regarding beer production.
it was a sunny afternoon and my family invited me over for a bbq and beers. when i arrived i was offered a beer that tasted really funky. my brother works for a beer distributor and gets cases of beer for cheap. he told me they don't refrigerate their cases of beer only the kegs. i gave the beer away and drank one that i brought. my brother got mad and said that i don't know what i'm talking about and then i was a being a snob. i told him i don't like old beer and now he won't buy me a discounted kegs. that's when i found out that ignorance is bliss and that once you have so much experience and knowledge on any particular subject you can be shunned by others who don't.
[EX A]: | my brother stop buying me beer because i kept telling him it tasted old
| 6 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
instruction:
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
question:
Text: i wasn't looking forward to the day when i'd do something i felt was worthy of posting here but tifu.
it started with my morning, i woke up about an hour and a half late, giving me just enough time to throw on my work clothes and leave "i'll finish the dishes later". when i got home, about an hour ago, i decided today is a good day for a lazy dinner of macaroni. knowing the water would take time to boil, i began putting away dishes and as i enthusiastically grabbed a plate "heck yeah, i'm gonna be done with all today's house-work in no time!" by the time that fleeting thought had manifested itself i heard the teapot slide across the counter. my vision fled me but somehow my left hand managed to grab the pot, however the lid raced to the tile and shattered into more pieces than my heart. this pot is part of a 5 piece set that was a wedding gift from a friend now lost to us. the worst part about it all is we had chipped one of the cups in the set a few months ago and i sought aid from r/hmf to no avail. as far as i can tell there are only 2 of this set ever made (even though i know better than that.)
answer:
grabbed a plate and knocked a teapot off the counter.
question:
Text: this didn't happen today, but happened in the fall of 2015 during my first and last semester at a 4 year college.
a little background: my buddy and i are avid hunters, we love to hunt but our luck is usually terrible. it was a month or two into bow season and neither of us had harvested a deer yet. we just wanted some damn venison and we're getting pretty desperate after many days of seeing no deer.
so it's 9pm on a weeknight and my buddy calls me saying "put on your fuckin boots and grab your knives. you'll never guess the message i just got on facebook." i was expecting that he got in a fight and needed my help and i was slipping my bowie knife in my boot when he knocked on my door. he explained to me that some stranger on facebook had hit a deer with his car and messaged him for help because they were in some outdoors group. he said the guy wasn't a hunter and didn't know how to gut and process it so he offered meat in return for our assistance. fuck yeah free venison. we got in my buddies ford and went to pick up some stranger off the internet from his house. neither my buddy or i had a firearm on us, all we had was a crossbow in the back and a shit ton of knifes. i was kinda nervous. so we picked up the stranger and he was pretty much a hippie. at least he wasn't a serial killer. he lead us to where he hit the deer and we quickly started gutting in and strapping it to the ford. once the deer was secured the hippy asks where are we gonna butcher it. my buddy and i both thought we were gonna do it at his place but we then learned we couldn't in his apartment. fuck. we decided to just do it the the kitchen in the basement of our dorm building. my buddy called his room mate and told him to meet us by the back entrance so we could bring the deer in without going through the front entrance where a ra was always on shift. so we drag this heavy buck down the stairs leaving a trail of blood, barged through a yoga group, and get in the small kitchen. we start skinning it and cutting up the meat. we have the back two quarters done when a ra knocks on the door. he tracked the blood down and found us. at this point we panic but the ra says to finish and clean up. we finish up the deer and clean the mess. we thought we were off the hook. got a letter a few days letter saying we had to meet with some guy who was in charge of the dorm. got a strict talk and was placed on a probation which contributed to me getting kicked out a few months after. as much as i fucked up, at least i got some sausage made and it was delicious.
sorry for the shitty grammar, never got to learn that shit because i was kicked out.
proof: http://tinypic.com/r/28gtci1/9
answer:
meet a stranger online to pick up a dead deer and butchered it in my college dorm basement
question:
Text: so, my life seems to be stitched together by tifu moments, going back as far as i can remember. anyway this one happened this morning...
i was taking a shower, pretty normal, nothing out of the ordinary. i have a toothbrush and some toothpaste on the little rack thing, some days i'll brush my teeth while showering, some days i'll do it over the sink.
i was up early so was taking my time doing stupid stuff like filling my ears up with water, seeing how hot i could handle the water...stupid shit like that..i'm 32 btw!
then i decided to brush my teeth. but instead of brushing to and fro with my hand, i closed my eyes and shook my head side to side. i was trying to see if i could get my whole mouth done while keeping my arm in a fixed position. it worked quite well until i'd finished...
the second i stopped brushing and opened my eyes i was unable see straight or balance and it felt like the whole bath tub was sinking on one side. i grabbed the shower curtain to steady myself, this immediately came off of the pole, i fell forwards out of the bath tub and ended up in a heap of naked ness and shower curtain on the bathroom floor!
still kind of disoriented i just lay there laughing, then i heard my 8 yo son run up the stairs and open the bathroom door to check on me! he immediately burst out crying! this made me laugh even more!!
when i finally got up off the floor and sorted the mess out and had spoken to my son he said he thought i'd gone crazy...he says heard me scream, then a big thud, then he came running up the stairs and saw my laying on the floor, naked, wrapped in the shower curtain, laughing my head off while i was foaming at the mouth!
edit...
wow, someone gave me gold for my fu. thank you /u/kay_k88
answer:
| brushed my teeth in the shower by moving my head only. fell out of the bath tub, son burst into tears when he saw me naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain, laughing while foam was coming out of my mouth.
| 9 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Teacher: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Teacher: Now, understand the problem? If you are still confused, see the following example:
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Reason: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Now, solve this instance: Text: at my job, we serve chicken tenders and fries, among other things. they come in a box and sometimes we pre-make them before rushes and put them under a heat lamp for people to grab. after they've been sitting for 45 minutes, they are considered expired and are supposed to be thrown away. it is against corporate policy to eat the expired food and it must be thrown away.
pfffft. as if we're all going to do that.
now granted, i'm a manager, so i should be enforcing that rule, but it's supposedly for our own safety, so if people are willing to put the risk on themselves, so be it?
i've been warned by a superior a couple times not to eat it, but usually the conversation goes:
her: "you paid for that right?"
me: "yeah of course"
and then we laugh and go on with our days because nobody really cares about 10 minute expired chicken tenders right?
cue, the new general manager.
i'm eating expired tenders in the office with him and the other superior i usually joke about it with. we're talking about some other work related item even though i'm on my break and not supposed to be doing any work whatsoever. she heads home for the night. the moment the door shuts behind her, new gm swings around in his chair.
him: "you get those tenders from a restaurant?"
me: "oh no they're from our stand."
him: "oh ok. they any good?"
me: "yeah they're pretty good. think they've been getting better since we've been detail cleaning the fryer even more regularly."
him: "that's cool. did you pay full price for them?"
me (thinking this is part of the joke): "oh you know we get our discount and all that."
him: "that's weird. i don't see your name on the list of employee discounts for the day." in my head i'm thinking, damn he's taking this joke pretty far.
me: "well i thought i paid for them, if i didn't i can go do that right now."
him: "how do you not know?" i get nervous at this point.
me internally: "what the fuck is happening"
me out loud: "uh well i mean maybe something happened and the transaction got cancelled i don't know i'll go pay right now."
him: "what do you mean the transaction got cancelled? did you pay or did you not?"
me: "uhhh i thought i did but i'll go pay now!"
him: "so if i look at the cameras from a few minutes ago, i'm going to see you pulling out your card and trying to pay for these chicken tenders?"
me: ....
him: ....
me: "okay i don't know why i'm lying right now. they're expired. i know we're not supposed to eat them."
he went on to describe how lying isn't something he's going to tolerate then stormed out of the room. i lost my appetite and threw away the chicken tenders in the office trash can. fifteen minutes later he called me back into the office, took my keys and fired me.
to make matters worse, i carpooled with my roommate this day, and had to wait for him to get off in six hours; plenty of time to mull over losing my job for eating expired chicken tenders and fibbing my way into oblivion.
Student: | i ate expired chicken tenders and lied to my new boss about it. he fired me. | 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: i feel like this is a regular tifu, but fuck it.
so earlier, at work, i was reading this thread, about a kid meeting a victoria secret model(http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/2eptf8/my_cousin_met_a_victorias_secret_model_at_the/), and everything was normal, reading comments and all that, until i see a comment posting imgur links, and some text(didn't read that part). the imgur was of a nude picture of this model, and lucky fucking me, my manager was right behind me as i see this picture, i close it as soon as i see it, but i see my manager and i know i'm fucked.
he gives me a stern talking to, as well as sending me home without pay for a day, so that sucked. on the bright side, i came home and fapped to the pictures, so that's a plus.
Answer: opened nude pictures from reddit at work, got sent home for a day without pay.
Question: Text: this happened last night. i was having a bad week and my wife offered to take a bath with me which i gladly accepted. we set up the bath and my wife had to use the bathroom (the toilet is behind another door from the bath which is important for the story). so i get into the bath early cause it was cold as shit.
so i'm settling down and enjoying myself when i suddenly get a big urge to pee and i can't hold it. i don't want to get out of the bath either cause it was super cold that night so i looked around and found a cup next to the bath. i put the cup over my dick to the point where i think that no air could escape out of it. my plan was to pee in it and then stand up and then take the cup off and put it on the sink so i could get rid of it later or when my wife came out.
i start peeing and at first it seems like the plan is going swell however after like 3 seconds i notice yellow seeping from the cup. i get frightened and jump up out of the water and the cup falls over into the tub. at this point i'm holding in the rest of my piss and i turn the drain on, put on a towel and run downstairs to our second bathroom to dispose of the waste.
when i return, lo and behold my wife is sitting in the bath telling me to jump in. i couldn't bring myself to tell her that 1. i tried to piss in a cup while in the bathtub and accidently pissed into the bath or 2. that she was bathing in it. so i get in without saying a word and spend 30 minutes of quality time with my wife in my own piss.
edit: a word
Answer: stuck my dick into a cup while in the bath to pee
Question: Text: i'm going to preface this story by saying i'm originally from the caribbean (barbados) and most of the food we eat is inherently spicy. i'm going to go into some detail here so if you are squeamish i suggest you don't read on. so, i do a fair amount of traveling in my line of work so i eat out pretty much every weekend. this particular weekend i was in a city called kingston, on where there was this nice little english pub which where my colleagues and i decided we were going to eat. i really wanted to get wings as i was in the mood for something spicy but i also wanted a burger so the waitress suggested that i eat this burger called the widow maker. i scoffed at the name.. "pfff widow maker i'm from the caribbean, we have some of the hottest food on the planet, how hot could this possibly be?" after reading over the ingredients, (suicide sauce, spicy ketchup, spicy sausage, jalapeños, banana peppers and some sort of spicy cheese) i figured that it didn't seem like it was going to be that bad. fast forward and the burger arrives at my table. i take the first bite.. ok.. that is pretty spicy. i hadn't even gotten into the jalapeños yet which were freshly cut with the seeds in. it took me about 30 minutes to finish this thing and it was the hottest thing i have ever eaten in my entire life. i could not feel my tongue and the tissue in my mouth and my esophagus felt shredded. that's not even the worst part. fast forward to the next morning and here is where it get so much worse. the morning shit. before i sat down on the toilet i knew something wasn't right in my stomach. i started the evacuation process and it felt like i was being penetrated by satan himself. it was barely solid and felt like i was peeing hot sauce out of my ass. i finish and go to wipe. blood. lots and lots of blood. i feel sorry for whoever had to clean that up because it looked like a murder scene in there even after several flushes. i chose not to go to the hospital out of sheer embarrassment. luckily it worked itself out and i was good after a day and a shit ton of pepto.
edit: to those saying i don't have a tolerance for spicy foods.. you're wrong. also edited spiciest to some of the spiciest. sorry to the spicy food enthusiasts.
edit 2: obligatory thanks for front page! glad my ass could brighten your day. also the name of the restaurant is the merchant tap house for those of you asking.
edit 3: thank you you for the gold kind stranger!
Answer: | ate an insanely hot burger that made me shit a lot of blood.
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example input: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example output: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Q: Text: didn't happen today but whatever, don't judge me.
a bit of back story here: i used to smoke a lot of weed when i was a teenager and into my early 20's, but just kind of lost interest in it. i still smoke on occasion but i find that sometimes it gives me such bad anxiety that i just can't be around people.
a while back, a friend of mine sends me a text saying that he's "house sitting" for a mutual acquaintance of ours who lives just around the corner from me and invites me over for a beer. i have been to this house a few times for parties but was still just on the very edge of their social circle. i head over and my buddy sparks up a joint outside. i take a few puffs and discover that it's really good stuff. so fast forward about 20 minutes and there we are in the living room having a beer and i am high as a kite, when in walks the guy who owns the house, and i realize that my friend's definition of "house sitting" is very different from my own. turns out that my friend was just chilling there for an hour or so while his gf and the girl who lives there went to the gym. so in walks her boyfriend and neither of us can remember the other's name, and i am fucking high as shit. somehow i end up trying to fix the guy's computer, then the ladies come home, i said something really awkward, then apologize by saying "sorry guys, i'm just really high right now" followed by immediately running down the hall and out the door. like actually running.
i get home and tell my gf what happened and how i just felt so awkward that i just totally bailed on the situation, and she freaks out, telling me that the people that own the house are totally anti drugs, and her phone starts going off with texts from my buddy's gf asking what the fuck is wrong with me. i haven't gone over there since.
A: | thought my friend was house sitting, got high with him, home owners came home, ran the fuck away, am 29 year old child. | 3 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
You will be given a definition of a task first, then an example. Follow the example to solve a new instance of the task.
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Why? This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
New input: Text: i'm going to try to make this short because my stories always end up being way longer than necessary...
friday night, my friend had a party for her birthday. normally i don't drink, but for whatever reason she really wanted me to, so i obliged. now, i'm told i didn't have that much, but this was only my second time drinking and i suddenly blacked out sometime between 11 and midnight (i think). between then and 3 i apparently did some weed (never done that either, not that i remember anyways), got really gay, and then took a couple of my blankets and pillows up to the attic of the garage and fell asleep. (yeah, it has an attic.) i woke up around 6, having no idea what was going on and yet still drunk enough to not be offput by that. i felt kinda damp, but i figured it was just sweat, since i was fully clothed still. i went back downstairs to the party, which by then only had the hostess and one other guy left. when i got down there, i either realized or was told by them that it wasn't sweat...it was urine. i felt kinda embarrassed but basically stripped down and put on something else. a couple minutes later i realized i should take everything out of the pockets...keys, a tube of blistex i tossed immediately, wallet (gross, but i needed to get rid of it anyway, and the cash was fine), and then...my phone. disgusting, and completely fucked. it took me ages to figure out why - it didn't seem wet or pissy at the time - and it wasn't until i went back to bed and woke up again i realized why it wouldn't turn on.
Solution: | the good: gave my friend a lapdance. bad: phone assassinated by my bladder while i slept. the ugly: gave my friend a lapdance. | 0 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: technically, it was yesterday that i messed it up, but it still bugs me today. my wedding anniversary lands on a weekday this year, so i thought that i'd make it a nice weekend for my husband by making a nice homemade breakfast. i bought the necessary ingredients to make buttermilk biscuits during my shopping trip earlier in the week. we live out in the country, so grocery stores aren't real close by and convenient to run off to if you forgot anything.
so, i'm following a tutorial video step-by-step and still, i miss the fact that i should be using self-rising flour. i only purchased a small pint of buttermilk, since it's nasty stuff to drink on it's own and i only ever would use it for making the biscuits. i start off with the flour, then grate in a 1/2 cup of frozen butter, make a little well for the buttermilk, and mix it all up. floured my surface down, rolled out the dough, folded it over onto itself a few times, and then cut out some nice sized biscuits. still....i hadn't realized i was missing the key ingredient for fluffy biscuits. i get my oven pre-heated and i'm excited for the end results that is sure to impress my husband of 17 years!
then it hits me. the hamsters in charge of powering my brain suddenly kick in and i have an actual intelligent thought strike me down. "wait.....did i buy self-rising flour?" i run to check the package.....nope!
i thought maybe i'd be able to start over from scratch and just add in the missing salt and baking powder, but i didn't have enough buttermilk to make up a second batch. i couldn't mix in the salt and baking powder into the existing dough because i'd already worked up the dough and it wouldn't mix in right. i knew that if i had baked those biscuits, they'd come out like hockey pucks.
so...into the trash they went, and out came the pillsbury insta-dough poppin' fresh can. i still made a decent breakfast, but i was definitely annoyed at myself for buying the wrong flour (or at least not noticing that the flour i had was not self-rising and adding in the missing ingredients i'd need).
at least he's used to my cooking by now. lol!! the man deserves an award for sticking with me this long and eating my cooking!!
Output: i didn't buy self-rising flour and tried to bake hockey pucks for breakfast. in the end, i ruined the recipe, ran out of enough ingredients to make it over again, and had to resort to pillsbury pre-made biscuit dough from the can.
Input: Consider Input: Text: so this week is finals week and i'm moving along happily day by day until today(wednesday). i have a final at 6 o'clock so a couple hours before the exam i'm studying for it, seeing as it won't be too hard based on the midterm. well i pack up to go the exam and when i get there i find it completely empty. i get a little nervous but think it's no big deal since i was there fifteen minutes early. eventually it turns six and now i'm freaking out thinking it might have been a different room, so i check the rooms nearby but no one was there. now i'm getting really scared and trying to think back on something the teacher might have said but i couldn't think of anything. so i look up the final exam schedule for the quarter and i look at my class. it says the final was on tuesday, i just stare at my phone in disbelief and pray for some sort of miracle. nothing happens. so i go back to my dorm and email the teacher for a make up explaining the situation. still waiting on the reply. i went through an entire quarter and if i dont take the final i'll have to retake the class.
i got ready to take my final exam and find
out it was the day before.
edit: teacher emailed me telling me there's no way to make up the exam. looks i'm having her next quarter again.
Output:
Input: Consider Input: Text: this tifu happened a few weeks ago, but i'm new and just discovered this subreddit.
i love my sister, but she tends to make incredibly bad life decisions. i do my best to be sensitive and not to judge her or be condescending in anyway which is why she usually comes to me when she's f'd something up. but this time i f'd up too, reddit.
i randomly text her to see how she was doing. she says not so great so of course i asked why. that's when she said she really needed to talk to me, but she was afraid of what i would think of her. i told her that if she needed to talk, i was here for her, that she knew she could tell me anything. she insisted that she was sure i would be disappointed in her.
trying to keep it light hearted because she sounded so upset, i gave her an extreme example of something i knew she wouldn't have done to show i could never be disappointed in her.
i texted her back this, "sis, i love you no matter what. it's what sisters do. did you murder your children? because that is literally the only thing you could do that might make me think less of you, lol."
i have no idea why i said that, reddit. because, i could have given any other crazy example like, "if you murder someone", or "if you sleep with my husband", but no. i had to say if you murder your children. she has kids, i have kids too, so it was the perfect example because i knew neither of us could ever harm a hair on our kid's heads.
my sister texted back that she was pregnant and it was not her boyfriend's. she wanted my advice about having an abortion.
cue the longest apology via text ever.
update and clarification :
i am a woman which makes me a sister.
my sister has kids from a previous marriage. they are not the bf's.
technically, i should have written ex bf because he left. they had been having problems for a long time.
afaik, ex bf didn't know about the pregnancy or cheating.
and ex bf definitely would have known it wasn't his. she wouldn't have nor could have passed the kid off as his.
she said she used protection.
i don't know what she has decided to do.
i did offer to help her anyway i could but only if she faced the music and told ex bf (he was not an ex at the time i made this offer.) and the father what happened. because i believe that the father deserves to voice his opinion. and who knows, maybe ex bf would have tried to make it work. crazier things have happened. in my experience, coming clean results in better resolutions.
| Output: put foot in mouth about my sister murdering her children to find out she wanted to discuss an abortion after a one night stand.
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Input: Consider Input: Text: insert obligatory “this didn’t happen today but about 3 years ago” here.
okay so i’ve always had really strange urges to listen to things, my most common being chewing on plastic, it sounds really weird, and for some reason i really enjoy it. but i hate asmr, mostly cause it’s weird.
anyways, i was 14 and bored as hell, so i went downstairs to eat some cereal, (i eat when i’m bored, i have a problem, i know) and i grabbed the milk jug only to realize there isn’t any milk in the bag, so i grabbed a bag from the fridge and pulled out the scissors to open the bag, and as i opened them, i realized it produced a really satisfying sound, so i put it closer to my ear.
now here’s the fuck up, i was so enthralled in listening to the scissors, i forgot i had an appendage there, and proceeded to cut my ear... badly. now i didn’t sever anything, but it hurt, like a lot. literally no one knows this happened, because this was the dumbest thing i’ve ever done. i covered my ear until it stopped bleeding and didn’t say a word. thankfully i didn’t cut anything off, cause i’d have a fuck of a time explaining that.
the audiophile in me took over and i cut my ear with scissors trying to listen to the sound they make, like a moron.
Output:
Input: Consider Input: Text: first off, to the best of my knowledge i am not mentally or physically disabled. ok, this story came up during an askreddit feed last night, and enough people asked for the story/thought i was a liar/asked if i stole a medal from a mentally handicapped person that i decided to post the full story here. before reading, please note that this is a fuck up. i see it as a fuck up. it’s a funny story, and honestly if i could go back i’m not sure i would change anything, but it’s still a fuck up, and i mean no disrespect to the special olympics or anyone who competes in them. (unless you’re an asshole like me and shouldn’t be in them.)
like most fuck ups on here, this didn’t happen today. it was a few years ago in fact. to graduate from my school, students needed to do a year long project that had a community service component. one of my best friends-we’ll call him ronnie- decided to do his project on the special olympics, and got his volunteer hours by training with my school’s special olympics team that would be competing in bocce (backyard bowling) in the spring. after a few weeks, ronnie talked me in to volunteering with the team as well. it was fun, fulfilling, and i had some court-ordered community service hours due to a water balloon incident. after months of training with them every week, ronnie and i went to the actual special olympics event with the team to cheer them on. this is where it all went south. while our school’s team was warming up, the coach came up to ronnie and i on the sidelines. i kid you not, this is what she said. “guys, we only have 6 members, and there needs to be 4 on a team to compete. i need you two to play on one of our teams or two kids aren’t going to get to play. yup. we were just as surprised. apparently when the coach signed up our school, she said there were 8 players, knowing that there were 6. so i guess she planned on ronnie and i taking one for the team the whole time.
so, that was that. ronnie and i pretty much had no choice, because there were two special needs kids that weren’t going to get to compete if we didn’t play on their team. so ronnie and i put on sunglasses and walked onto the field with them. in our first match, i don’t think ronnie and i have ever been so uncomfortable. and we’re pretty extroverted. for any who don’t know the rules of bocce, the goal is to roll balls as close as possible to a point on the field, knocking out the other team’s balls if you can to get as many points each round. first to 12 points wins. ronnie and i just sort of lazily rolled the balls because what the fuck else were we supposed to do. however, the two special needs kids on our team had been training for months, and managed to win the game despite ronnie and i not really being 100% invested in the win. right after that win we moved on, and that’s when the tv cameras started trying to interview us. ronnie and i avoided those like the plague. sure, we were willing to compete in the special olympics. but we weren’t about to act mentally disabled for the media. we had morals.
unfortunately, the morals weren’t really that strong. as we kept advancing, ronnie and i sort of got more and more pumped up, fueled by the cheering crowd and the excitement of the two other kids on our team. long story short, by the time we got to the finals our group of 4 was so pumped full of competitive spirit that we won 12-0. i don’t think what we had done really hit us until we were on a podium receiving a medal.
the fun didn’t stop there. at the end of the year my school had an awards ceremony in which people who won things/received scholarships and whatnot were recognized in front of the whole school. ronnie and i had to stand up in front of our whole school, medals shining on our chests, as the phrase “please give a round of applause to our special olympics gold medalists!” was announced on the auditorium loudspeaker. our friends won’t ever let us forget that one.
so that’s it really. we both kinda felt rough about it, and we have been volunteering/raising money for the special olympics ever since. i don’t even like to say the word “retarded”. so hopefully we don’t go right to hell, despite the fact that our record is now similar to that of eric cartman.
edit: wowzers, did not expect this much attention for this. as long as this many people are seeing this, check out this link http://www.specialolympics.org/get_involved.aspx which will tell you how to volunteer near you. it's an amazing organization, though i won't promise that volunteering will get you a medal. by the way, thank you to the kind smartass who gilded this post
Output: i tried to volunteer at the special olympics, ended up competing and winning
Input: Consider Input: Text: we're remodelling our kitchen at the moment, and that means that we can't use a stove or an oven to prepare our meals. it's been all frozen dinners for the past few weeks.
today i decided to be a little adventurous by finding a way to make boiled eggs *in the microwave*. i put five eggs in a glass container with some water and put a lid on the top. thinking ahead (heh), i didn't put the lid on tightly, to prevent pressure for building up in the glass container, which could cause an explosion.
i put my egg making doo-dad in the microwave, started it up and went to do some homework. it took about 45 minutes for the water to even begin boiling. not long after the boiling began, i heard a large explosion. i could smell something burning, so fearing the worst (the eggs are burning down my house) i bought one of the fire extinguishers i have stashed in my house.
when i enter the kitchen i was greeted by the horrible stench of burning egg. you won't believe how bad it smelled; it's quite possibly the worst smelling thing i've had the pleasure of smelling all year (and i've smelled some horrible shit this year). opening the microwave only made the stench worse... when i look inside of my still intact glass container, i see that there are four eggs (those of you who are paying attention would know that is one less then i had put in there). i inspect the microwave carefully for any sign of my missing egg and discover tiny fragment all over the microwave. the explosion has obliterated one of the eggs. thankfully my kitchen wasn't burning down (yes, i know most of you are probably disappointed).
anyways i threw away the eggs. my whole house smells like rotten eggs now. hopefully the pizza guy doesn't notice when he comes.
| Output: i have no oven or stove and decided to be adventurous by microwaving eggs. they exploded and now my whole house smells like eggs. i've ordered pizza in shame :(
| 2 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
Part 1. Definition
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Part 2. Example
Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Answer: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Part 3. Exercise
Text: so, my tifu happen about a week before the super bowl. i was working as a delivery driver for dominos. the dominos i work for was located in the east la area near the projects. it wasn't safest area to work, but nothing really happens to me until the last day of my work there. i have been working there for about a couple of months. around the end of january, i asked my boss if i can transfer to another dominos near by my house. i lived around the edge of long beach area and didn't want to waste so much gas driving back and forth. the only reason i got this job so far away from me is because my brother knew the manager and got me this job. anyway, my incident happen my last day of work before i transfer to my new area. i just deliver my 5th pizza to a customer. i went back to my car and started to check reddit on my phone before i head back to the store. the reason i was on reddit was because earlier i was reading this thread on r/tifu about a guy finding out his wife was cheating on her and he was updating every couple of minutes about what has happen so far and steps on his next move. while i was reading, two african americans were walking past my car. when the two african americans were about 5 feet ahead of my car, a red escalade was coming down the street behind me. the red escalade stops about 10 feet from where the two african americans were standing. when i notice this, i didn't think too much of it. so i continue to read the thread. but then after a couple seconds after the red escalade stop, i heard several loud bangs came out of nowhere. i quickly look forward away from my phone and notice several things. multiple loud sounds, flashes and small bits of smoke clouds were coming out of the rolled down window in the passenger seat side from the red escalade. plus, the two african americans were doing serpentine patterns towards my direction on the sidewalk. this lasted for about about a solid 15-20 seconds. after that, i guess the shooter ran out of ammo in the red escalade and the driver got the fuck out of there as the two african americans ran the other directions past me unharmed. as for me, i was dumbfounded. to me, i thought it was literally something out of a movie where something happens to the guy on the last day of his job. i thought to myself, "i'm too old for this shit". then, for no reason, i started to laugh uncontrollably for about a minute. i was liked, "i still had several more deliveries to do today". so, i start up my car and i went back to my store. i didn't tell anyone except for my assistant manager who gave me this look like "you're fucking crazy". i didn't want to call the police as well because i didn't want to get involve. so, at the end of my night, i said my goodbyes to my co-workers, went home, play some dark souls 2, and decided i just wanted to live another day in my life.
context:
didn't have my car top on because i was too lazy. also, 20 years old and asian.
Answer: | drive-by shooting occur right in front of me while reading reddit in east la. | 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Example: Text: quick backstory: i am a duel enrollment student (still in high school but goes to college full-time) and don't have my license so i bike home.
now let's get to the fuck up. i was riding down the sidewalk and up ahead was a golf cart blocking the way. the man who was using kindly moved it out of my so i could get past. as i go by, i give him the nod and say "thank you" just to be courteous. well he didn't really give me that much space so as i was saying thank you, my goes into the grass and i quickly try to readjust, resulting in my tire hitting the side of the sidewalk and me falling off my bike. i looked like a complete dumbass and just laughed to myself and kept riding. luckily, i don't take myself too seriously, so i wasn't that embarrassed.
Example solution: said thank you, fell off my bike.
Example explanation: This summary is appropriate for the given text post because the focus of this post is about a humorous situation caused by "thanking someone and later falling off from the bike".
Problem: Text: this happened over the course of the past three months, but i only understood how/why i fucked up today.
i am studying to be a teacher. part of that is you observe an elementary teacher for a semester, and a secondary teacher for the next. for the elementary semester i mostly sat in the back and took notes, occasionally walking around the classroom to look at the students working (1-2 times a class). get an a, teacher has no complaints.
enter secondary observation. my **professor** talked a lot about how she would be observing us and what she would want to see is doing, etc. so this time, i try to do what she told us to do every day so that i'm not unprepared the day she observes. the **teacher** tells my **professor** she is feeling a little stepped on, so i back off, but still try to meet the requirements a little. nope.
**teacher** emails my **professor**, asking me to be removed. i receive this email *monday night* and the meeting to discuss it will be *friday*. of course my brain starts churning. the teacher said "see you next week" last time, what did i do? why didn't the teacher talk to me herself? will i be dropped from the program? will i be blacklisted 4 lyfe? but i try not to think about it, because there's jackshit i can do.
friday arrives. it was the same issue, but i'm given a second chance next semester. i resolve to not interact with the students unless i am invited to, but i'm still worried how the hell i'm going to meet the requirements. today, i found out how - they were the fucking wrong requirements.
all of that stuff was for when i actually student teach - as in lead an entire unit for 8 weeks. this course i'm currently in was supposed to be exactly like the elementary one, but with secondary students. she was just prepping us for a course none of us would take for at least an entire year.
i get a second chance, but i'm sure that's affected how my professors view me, and i'm paranoid the teacher will talk about how i can't keep my place or some shit and it'll prevent me from getting a job. rip.
| Solution: i misunderstood requirements for a course a year from now to be for my current class and got kicked out of it. i get to retake it but it may follow me for my entire career. :d | 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
Q: Text: this happened while i was around 10, i do believe. i set up a dart board on the wall outside my house and had some fun, throwing arrows etc... so,after a while, my friend comes in (let's call him james for good measure) to chat and play games. i dont know why the hell i did this, but i threw a dart arrow in the sky, it quickly reached top height and started to fall down. at this moment i realize my fuck-up. i yell to him to move away, he had really slow reaction time and didn't move at all, he just looked around to see where the arrow will fall. and then it happened. right in the top of his head. he started screaming and pulled the arrow out and didn't allow my mom to see if the arrow caused some damage. when he calmed down, my mom saw that the arrow hit some sort of a pimple in his hair and it popped. thankfully he didn't have any other injuries, just severe headache. i didnt realize how serious this was until years later when i asked myself the question: what would have happened if he looked up? i don't even want to think about it. he went home crying and we are still good friends to this day.
e: a word.
A: threw an arrow in the sky, it came down and hit my friend in the head, a pimple saved him some stitches probably.
****
Q: Text: went to mcdonalds for breakfast this morning at 5am beforing making a long drive to catch a ferry. i ordered my coffee, sandwich, and hashbrown, then decided to get another one. apparently this caused an additional three minute wait.
i arrived at the ferry terminal at 6:09. the ferry departs at 6:20. i waited in line, two people in front of me got their passes and.went through the gate. the clock on the wall now read 6:10. tickets are no longer available.
it's my second anniversary with my long distance girlfriend. i needed this ferry to make a bus to make it across the border (canada - us). i'm now on the next ferry, 2 hours later. i don't think i'm making my bus.
A: a hankering for hashbrowns just ruined my anniversary.
****
Q: Text: this happened about three years ago, the first part of our story takes place in nepal, where i was volunteering for a nonprofit helping out with tech, teaching and well being their guinea pig in general, although later on i would start my own. i had to go to a remote village in western nepal to help out a school get access to the internet, which was so remote i was the first foreigner many of the villagers witnessed firsthand.
although i had been living in the country for about two months and i was mostly accustomed to it all one of the meals in the village gave me an upset stomach, so i rushed to the nearest "toilet" (which really meant a hole in the ground filled with piss and shit). i was squatting there for a while when one of the school masters called me to see if i was alright. when i took out my phone it slipped from my hand and, you guessed it, went straight into the hole.
with half of my iphone (a cheap second hand 3gs i got while in the us, just in case it cracked...or something worse happened to it) submerged in shit i quickly took it out, turned it off and then cleaned it with water, all with me doing so in a state of panic. if it wasn't obvious the phone was damaged, the inside of the phone was likely filled with shit and wouldn't turn on. i laughed it off and since i had to go to india for a couple of meetings i'd just get it repaired there. about two weeks later i went to new delhi and got it repaired, and much to my surprise after a day of being in the shop it worked fabulously! the only problem was that the mute switch wasn't working and for some reason couldn't be fixed. no worries i thought, i can simply mute it using the volume slider featured in ios, plus since the repairer gave me a discount since he couldn't fix it i didn't think much of it.
cue about six months later, by now i had launched my own nonprofit, with the intent of providing low cost internet to rural and other areas using low cost technology, such as 2g internet data, raspberry pis and etc. (as a side note internet.org had a *very similar* idea to what i had implemented in india and nepal not so long later). i was traveling across the country, meeting with various ngos and village councils for potential partnerships and such, with operations in three villages in nepal and about fifteen villages in india using our way to connect online. while on a mini vacation on the andaman islands i get an email from what appeared to be the mother theresa of calcutta centre asking to meet with me in calcutta to talk about my nonprofit and such, apparently someone referred me to them in regards to what i've been doing and recommended . surprised with it all and fortunate to have such an opportunity i managed to make my way to calcutta, which is where part two of this tifu happens.
while in kathmandu months prior i befriended an american girl who was trying to launch a fashion startup in calcutta, so we made plans to catch up while i was in town and we'd have dinner after my meeting with the mtcc. unfortunately prior to going to the centre i forgot to mute my phone, who would call me after all?
upon meeting with the head nuns and impressing them with the little latin i knew (i attended a catholic school when i was a kid where there was a big focus on latin, and before you ask i'm not and none of my family is catholic) they took me to mother theresa's tomb to pay respect. while bowing our heads in silence, along with about twenty five other nuns who just happened to be there, my phone receives a call, in full volume. when i took it out and tried to mute it via the mute switch, which obviously didn't work, i yelled **"ssshhhhhiiiiiiittttt!"** in a wave of panic, then realizing i could simply click on the power button to mute the call. although i didn't say it too loud the room was completely quiet, and unfortunately the noise echoed around the room.
realizing what i had done i quickly turned my head up and saw every nun looking at me, some of their eyes wide open as if they saw a ghost....deeply embarrassed i vigorously apologized and not knowing what to do i put my head back down pretending nothing happened. needless to say it was awkward.
after the moment of silence they continued to give me a tour, followed by lunch and then a meeting to discuss things. while i was deeply embarrassed they didn't take too much offense to it, and while i was ashamed they laughed it off and by the time we were in the middle of lunch it was back to talking like it never happened.
turns out it was my friend who called, wanting to know what time it would all be over. later in the evening we met for dinner and we joked about how she picked the worst time to call, which obviously i don't blame her, how could she have known i was literally in front of mother theresa's tomb when she called?).
shortly before leaving calcutta the mtcc called to tell me they liked what i was doing, and long story short through the power of networking i began to work for the refugee centre of the united nations to help refugee camps and what not gain access to the internet, which is a story for another time.
A: | iphone went to shit and i damned mother theresa's tomb with it, along with about twenty seven other nuns.
****
| 4 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
[Q]: Text: first of all, don't expect an extreme fuckup, because that didn't happened yet (and i hope for it to not happen at all).
this just happened, well, this is happening. to add context: i live with my parents, i never had a job (i'm still young), so every valuable thing i have is from them. one of the most valuable things i have, and probably the one i love the most is my beloved korg piano, that i used to play with in pubs or cafés with a band i had. the band separated for family reasons. i'm actually starting a band with other guy replacing the one that left (we are 3). so, present time now, we are going to play on a café tomorrow. today we went there in the night to make sound tests and talk with the owners. when we were leaving, to go to the guitarrist's appartment we encountered a problem... the piano (and the rest of the equipment which most is also mine... well... "mine") is too heavy and too big to bring it to his appartment, it would have taken 2 cars and a lot of effort to get them up by the elevator. i could have called my dad to take the things in our pickup... but i decided that it would be a good idea to leave everything there, in a café, placed in a corner in the middle of a dark and insecure neighborhood. we arrive at this guy's house and after a while (1 am at this point) i call my dad, he comes to take me, and i tell him where the equipment is... oh boy, you know that way your dad speaks when he is angry, worried and dissappointed, all at you? that. i don't really know what to do, i have been standing in my room thinking about what i did for like 40 minutes, still, without making a movement because my floor makes noise and i don't want the world to be aware of my existence. that is the fuckup, my dad had been having a really crappy day, in fact, the pickup is dead, doesn't want to start, and now i added this. i feel ashamed, i just grabbed all their effort, time and work, and put it in a stranger's café.
to add some detail, the equipment is worth near 2000 u$d which is a lot if you take in count that we live in argentina, and that's 2.5 salaries.
i still hope the best, going to stay awake until the place opens and call them.
quick update: i just woke up to the bad news, someone broke up in the cafe. the good side is that it was only an amplifyer, the pìano is there (probably because of it's weight) and the bar owner is asking me to go there so we can buy a new one, idk if for playing this night or forever.
[A]: i left a my-life-worth piano my parents gave me in a stranger's café, placed in a really dark zone of the city, far away from my home all the night. my dad wants to kill me.
[Q]: Text: decided to go to havasu. i needed to drive like 100 miles through a desert.
stomach started cramping, i really had to poop. no bathrooms at least for an hour, pulled off to the side of the road. my friend had toilet paper, so this was all gonna work out (otherwise i'd have to deal with swamp ass with a slight aroma)
pulled over and walked through the desert a bit to dig a hole. set the toilet paper down and kind of propped myself over the hole.
god damn it.
the ground is covered with those super tiny invisible cactus spines and just got an entire hand full of them. well the show must go on and i remain in position doing the deed. after finishing, i pick up the toilet paper to clean what needed to be cleaned.
god damn it.
toilet paper also had those invisible spines and i just wiped the hole.
[A]: had to poop in the desert and got butt hole spikes
[Q]: Text: didn't happen today but whatever, don't judge me.
a bit of back story here: i used to smoke a lot of weed when i was a teenager and into my early 20's, but just kind of lost interest in it. i still smoke on occasion but i find that sometimes it gives me such bad anxiety that i just can't be around people.
a while back, a friend of mine sends me a text saying that he's "house sitting" for a mutual acquaintance of ours who lives just around the corner from me and invites me over for a beer. i have been to this house a few times for parties but was still just on the very edge of their social circle. i head over and my buddy sparks up a joint outside. i take a few puffs and discover that it's really good stuff. so fast forward about 20 minutes and there we are in the living room having a beer and i am high as a kite, when in walks the guy who owns the house, and i realize that my friend's definition of "house sitting" is very different from my own. turns out that my friend was just chilling there for an hour or so while his gf and the girl who lives there went to the gym. so in walks her boyfriend and neither of us can remember the other's name, and i am fucking high as shit. somehow i end up trying to fix the guy's computer, then the ladies come home, i said something really awkward, then apologize by saying "sorry guys, i'm just really high right now" followed by immediately running down the hall and out the door. like actually running.
i get home and tell my gf what happened and how i just felt so awkward that i just totally bailed on the situation, and she freaks out, telling me that the people that own the house are totally anti drugs, and her phone starts going off with texts from my buddy's gf asking what the fuck is wrong with me. i haven't gone over there since.
[A]: | thought my friend was house sitting, got high with him, home owners came home, ran the fuck away, am 29 year old child.
| 5 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a short summary for this text. The summary must include a situation which caused humor. The summary should be one or two sentences long.
--------
Question: Text: this happened a couple days ago. ok, so what happened was, is that i walk out my backdoor to see this huge spider. now for some backstory, i'm from the american midwest, we have spiders but nothing that makes you suicidal big. i'm also deathly afraid of spiders. ok, so i walk outside, and a freaking tarantula is on the back of my house. i don't know if it was an actual tarantula, but this spider was huge. so here i am freaking out cause i think i'm going to die in my sleep by this spider, so i think to myself, "i need to kill this bastard!" so i run around the house trying to find bug spray or something without luck, then i see it. it looks at me like a god looking at his servant, a can of wd-40. i grab a lighter and go outside, and bring hell on earth to this spider. now while i'm spraying the spider with this, it decides to run at me. with me being the pansy that i am, i throw the can at the spider and run away. i look back on it to see that my house is on fire, and the can of wd-40 is stuck spraying my house. so i run around the house through the front door and grab my can of fire extinguisher stuff. i run back outside and spray the spider with it. (cause with your house on fire, the priority is the spider.) the spider just gets angry, it runs at me looking like a giant, evil marshmallow wanting to kill me and my family. so i end up hitting this huge spider with the fire extinguisher and smashing guts all over me. i have won, i killed the spider! then i realized my house was on fire and had to explain to the fire department why i set my house on fire.
Answer: setting your house on fire to kill a spider is effective, but looked down upon by firefighters.
Question: Text: so let me be clear, i don't smoke but i hang around a bunch of friends that do smoke and they forget their lighters very often so i started carrying one for them. no big deal.
i went to the ymca this morning so i could keep my he-hooters down, and stay in shape a bit. now i'm weird about this, i like to work out in normal clothes (i.e. jeans and a t-shirt). it just feels more comfortable that way, of course i change when i get back home. on me, i usually have my lighter in the watch pocket of my jeans usually next to my utility knife, my ipod in the right pocket and my phone in my left. my headphones start acting up, as usual, and i have to turn the volume all the way up to barely hear the music.
now here's where the fuck up begins, a really loud song comes on and my headphones suddenly work again. i'm in the middle of a set with my right arm and want to quickly turn it down without stopping the set and/or making a fool out of myself (bad idea). as i reach down and over with my left hand to adjust the volume my thumb barely flicks the lighter on (it's a cheap and new lighter) and lights my shirt (and almost my jeans too) on fire. so i have to drop the weight, on my foot by the way, take off my shirt, dump all my water on it, and proceed to stomp repeatedly on it until the flames are gone (i would not make a good firefighter). i was so embarrassed that i just grab my burnt drenched shirt, covered up and shamefully walked back to my car.
Answer: headphones acted up and blasted music. tried adjusting it with free hand, while still lifting a weight in the other. turned lighter on and burnt part of my shirt.
Question: Text: tifu: today i fucked up by charging my phone
i'm very new to reddit so apologies in advance..
so recently this exchange student has been staying at my house as he came out here to visit some friends. he is really clueless as being from another country so he doesn't really understand things. he's going to be a sophomore and i'm going to be a junior in high school.
me and my family were going to be going out of town for a few days so i told him he needed a different place to stay while we were going to be gone.
he still hadn't found a place to stay the night before me and my family were leaving. but me, him, and another friend went to hang out anyway. my phone was almost dead so i left it home to charge.
by the way i smoke weed quite often and i've been having sex with a girl from my school which keep in mind i live in a state where marijuana is illegal.
so as we're all hanging out my friend got a text from my phone telling me i needed to come home right away to figure out a plan for the exchange kid.
on our way home it crossed my mind how many horrible texts i'd sent and received from my friends talking about sex, weed, and any other horrible things a teenager could think of.
when we got home i knew i was in deep shit. there was no covering my tracks, my mom had clearly read the texts between me and the girl i'd been fucking.
i have really strict parents so i got yelled at and punished all while the exchange kid sat downstairs listening to the whole thing.
now up to present day and i've been grounded for one week out of like four and i'm not allowed to hang out with any of the same friends.
Answer: | left phone at home to charge. mother knew password (because somehow she saw me do it enough). now my parents know they're innocent little boy is an all around shitty person.
| 7 | NIv2 | task511_reddit_tifu_long_text_summarization | fs_opt |
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