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Because it came from the barrel of a madman’s shotgun and it changed the way I look at everything. | |
Late into the night we'd be at the hotel bar chatting about army/scout life. | |
And with that this kindly shepherd stands still and extends his arms out, making a capital T shape. | |
I knew my onions, don't forget. I'd created Forward Solutions, a unique business training program endorsed by none other than Chip Keeble. | |
Getting About by A. G. Partridge, aged nineteen. | |
Footnote: I happen to love them and will often join in. | |
and that no one gets into the free weights area without their say-so. | |
He claims I once did an interview at a racetrack in which I mistook a jockey for a child, and while I have no memory of this and doubt he's got it right, I'm touched by his enthusiasm for my canon. | |
When drawing up the list of items to pack, I cleverly arranged things in order where they should be placed. | |
Tony doesn't even have kids so there's no reason for him to need a tent this size. | |
The chiropodists don't like it, but knowing that I could easily opt for an over-the-counter alternative, these days they have little choice but to bend to my will. | |
It would have been around April or May 2011. | |
He could summon the strength to overpower what by all accounts was a pretty active scout, me. | |
I can't remember the names of the constellations, but I'm pretty sure one's named after a ride at Alton Towers. | |
Well, whichever you imagined, you'd be wrong. For a start, the acid bath, the one component common to all your ideas, doesn't even exist. | |
'Fuck should I know?' she snaps, but as she speaks my assistant is tossing her a biz card and we're out of there. | |
Dawn and I spent a pleasant couple of hours learning all about this fascinating provider of electricity. | |
Dear oh dear, how would I have coped in Vietnam? | |
I turn my head at speed, eager to see who this way comes. | |
I don't even know what I meant by it, but I saw his cheek twitch and I think it was the last thing either of us said. | |
I remember that I'm not a member of a union and I hate unions. | |
I did toy with the idea of sending her a message in this book but my publisher felt it would be inappropriate and I agreed. | |
So why am I in a swimming pool? Well, I don't like walking because walking is boring, and I also have two cars. | |
A sign says Nuclear Installations Act 1965 Licensed Site Boundary. | |
Back in '85 I was sent to cover Ian Botham's walk from Land's End to John O'Groats for Saxon Radio. | |
The kind who are down with the kids and lure them into conversation by saying things like 'cool jeans you're wearing, you know what's even cooler? Firing guns'. | |
He makes a few notes in handwriting atypical of a GP. | |
I detect and inspect the roof space quickly, concluding that, no, my roof isn't insulated. | |
She brings up the fact that the roof had leaked the previous winter. | |
There was no one around so after a quick snooze I went over to one of the carp ponds and stuck my foot in it. | |
Below the hem of the black cloak, I can make out a pair of hiking boots. | |
With my newfound pulmonary punching power I could hold a note as long as your arm, if that's the phrase, and boy or girl did I make it count. | |
I barge past Dominic, don't know his second name, from our own advertising sales team. | |
I start to see dribs and drabs of people standing by the side of the road. Four women on the left, a drib, two teens on the right, a drab. | |
Yet though we understand a great deal about the mechanics of such clips, the reasons why female pensioners insist on wearing them are less well understood. | |
But both he and Mother insisted this was absolute toffee. | |
And I'm saying that broadcasters are now deeply, deeply wary of any interaction with children. | |
Perhaps if he'd heard the buzz of an electric toothbrush once in a while, he wouldn't be in this mess. | |
Our county is blessed with a long list of magnificent period buildings. | |
'167? Why have I never heard of it?' I say, before realising it's because I don't listen to Radio 4. | |
Later people would say my decision to broadcast was crass and opportunistic. I simply say this: it was not. | |
I thanked my lucky stars I told my assistant to buy the most expensive rakhi she could find. | |
It's then that I realised he isn't hugging me, he's actually just leaning across to rifle through the bin. | |
Listen town, forget about the car smash, I need to borrow a tent. | |
Besides which I am on a journey in the footsteps of my father. | |
I don't have any sweatbands, so I rummage around in my rucksack and find a few things I can throw. | |
All in all it was a sequence of events that would lead me to have a breakdown live on air and be suspended from my post for two weeks. | |
With that decided, I bosh a few painkillers and set off in search of a good British cooked breakfast. | |
Sue Cook and I go way back. She's a straight talker and how! | |
Do you have verrucas? I'm not even answering that, so, just as I did all those weeks ago, | |
He grew up in that somewhat thick era after the Great War when people were saying, well we won't be doing that again, only to do it again quite soon afterwards. | |
I'm reliably informed that Snow and Fogle (or Snogle) are only a constant presence in the BBC Gym | |
When all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even an Alan | |
Father would have taken one look at my loose long hair, flared denim trousers and pepperpot brogues and thought, 'Who the hell is this big-haired poof?' | |
At the very least you should go see this Kennedy guy. | |
Yes, it's not hard to imagine how this harmless bit of fun could translate into a multi-territory early evening game show presented by Darren Day. | |
My assistant spent the journey breathing condensation onto the inner windscreen, but she looked after me, bless her. | |
Simon was often in the studio with us, but it wasn't a problem because he had his magazines. | |
In my opinion he always will be, although there are some who argue that dads stop being your father once they're dead. | |
And although in the end I didn't have any cheese sauce, I thoroughly enjoyed the meal anyway, despite it being somewhat dry. | |
I'm standing by a graveside, the wind whistling through my hair like a wind whistle. | |
These aren't just the everyday toots of a male driver assisting a female driver by pointing out that she was braking too early or pulling out without looking: these toots are aimed at me. | |
But when I got to the boardroom, the door was jammed so I couldn't get in. | |
To march, to mince, to trudge, to traipse, to stroll, to stride, to stomp, to stop. | |
Telling myself that they have to be completed in a certain, arbitrary time frame and attributing grave consequences to failure. | |
Parking in a standard space instead of the disabled bay, completely forgetting my assistant is in the car and carries her blue badge with her. | |
F00T5T3P50FMYF48T3R.COM | |
I sip at a mineral water and lurk around, my eyes literally peeled for a certain someone. | |
I like people with ambition, and wanting more airtime is a fine goal for him to have. | |
To ramble, to amble, to wander, to roam. | |
One look at this and they'll be well within their rights to stop my retainer and take back the pallets of Corsodyl they delivered to my garage. | |
That is until I realise the drip qualifies me for access to the disabled toilets. | |
Just as a kindly zoologist opening the sanctuary gates gives a rehabilitated herd of monkeys their freedom | |
"Quadriplegic, was he?" sniggers Portillo, nodding at my slumpage, and straightaway I regret sending him a cake when he lost his seat in 1997. | |
After lunch, I'll put the dirty crockery back onto the tray and leave it outside the front door for my assistant to collect. | |
Oh, I'm walking in the footsteps of my father. | |
When I put the front up the back falls down, when I put the left up the right falls down. I'm reminded of that impossible staircase in the famous sketch by Escher | |
I've been a Regus customer for years now, and see the business services provider as a great fit for Brand Partridge. | |
If you do want to get in shape though, try to find old copies of Femail magazine because the sizzling summer abs workout was in there. | |
I pat the wall of the power station three times, like it's my father's jowl. | |
I quickly reach the conclusion that this isn't going to work. | |
Greg's pastie now lies prone on his desk, and I'll be honest, it stinks. | |
so that his lips become coated with that creamy saliva which makes them give off a gentle clit-clit-clit sound as he speaks. | |
And while most monkeys die within twenty-four hours of entering the wild, that doesn't matter because I was only using it as a metaphor. | |
I'm sure you'd agree that there's nothing quite like the feeling of putting clean sheets on the bed, taking a shower then jumping under the duvet for a lovely bag of Quavers. | |
Look closely at the tear and it has my face inside. | |
The letter just said an invitation to pitch ideas. | |
But I guess it's a free country, so he's well within his rights. | |
People have always asked me, why do you hate Edmonds? | |
Let's discuss it some more. You'll all have your own ideas as to what the story was about. | |
That's the thing with imagining, you can't always choose where it leads. | |
I think very carefully about which animals I am and am not prepared to kill. | |
Nine minutes later I'm still waiting. What is she doing in there? | |
That's a beverage, I tell him, seeing as he's never been to America. | |
With a renewed sense of purpose I set to work. Within minutes I am under canvas and to quote Act IV, scene iii of Henry V: | |
No sooner have I done that than I realise, oh, thumper chump, I've left my jumper on the bed and the note might sound like it's on behalf of the pullover. | |
Hardworking and valuable as they are, you've never heard anyone say they remembered a specific, say, English teacher. All they'd remember is that they were taught English. But with DJs, it's different. | |
Even though I'd vouched for him to get the job and he was kind of throwing it back in my face. | |
She tended to be the one to end the snogs. Angela wasn't a very good nose breather, with our briefest normally in the morning before I'd brushed my teeth. | |
This transaction is repeated back and forth, back and forth, and it's soon clear that this tandem act is propelling the whole unit forwards in fluid locomotion. |
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