text string | score int64 | upvote_ratio float64 | num_comments int64 | created_utc float64 | url string | id string | subreddit string | author string | source_endpoint string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
The egg hatched, and it emerged- a small thing, blood-red skin, horns, spiked wings, a crown of horrid spikes; before me stood what I knew to be Satan, the End of All. "Waiter, I asked for a deviled egg, but this is ridiculous!" | 516 | 1 | 5 | 1,610,919,491 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kzfn87/the_egg_hatched_and_it_emerged_a_small_thing/ | kzfn87 | TwoSentenceComedy | IronMongerVi | top_all |
I hate my English teacher. She kept pointing out I incorrectly start too many words with a silent **h**. | 511 | 0.98 | 20 | 1,602,800,092 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jbxj6a/i_hate_my_english_teacher/ | jbxj6a | TwoSentenceComedy | normancrane | top_all |
The bartender says “we don’t serve time traveller’s here” A time traveller walks into a bar | 508 | 0.98 | 19 | 1,733,870,147 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hbed65/the_bartender_says_we_dont_serve_time_travellers/ | 1hbed65 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
Laughing, I threw away all my tampons and pads ready to embrace the menopause. Unfortunately, I laughed a little too hard. Edit: thank you very much to u/TeaAndTacos for the award. I really appreciate it 🥰 | 502 | 0.98 | 18 | 1,734,304,697 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hf588a/laughing_i_threw_away_all_my_tampons_and_pads/ | 1hf588a | TwoSentenceComedy | NumScritch | top_all |
I tensed in fear when I heard someone in the elevator say, "Remember, no Russian." When they continued with, "Our flight's not leavin' for another hour so we got plenty of time," I realized I misheard them the first time. | 502 | 0.96 | 10 | 1,739,199,941 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1im85tp/i_tensed_in_fear_when_i_heard_someone_in_the/ | 1im85tp | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
"After gathering 'em, we stripped them, divided them into groups and subjected them to radiation until... they burst," the witness confessed. "And then you *ate* them in the movie theatre?" | 497 | 0.99 | 8 | 1,606,830,850 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k4l8wd/after_gathering_em_we_stripped_them_divided_them/ | k4l8wd | TwoSentenceComedy | normancrane | top_all |
I admired my GF's principles and her being adamant she'll never sleep with a married man Now that we are married I wish she'd compromise that principle just a little....... | 497 | 0.98 | 6 | 1,728,499,565 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fzyv24/i_admired_my_gfs_principles_and_her_being_adamant/ | 1fzyv24 | TwoSentenceComedy | NoWingedHussarsToday | top_all |
I had died and there I stood at the golden gates of Heaven But God said "I saw you kept scrolling when you saw those post." | 497 | 0.96 | 8 | 1,599,662,493 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iph4zu/i_had_died_and_there_i_stood_at_the_golden_gates/ | iph4zu | TwoSentenceComedy | ThatOneSubscriber | top_all |
As the gas slowly encompassed us, I only had one thought in my mind: Fuck Farting Fred and his love of fire chili bean burritos! | 493 | 0.96 | 6 | 1,603,893,196 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jjo4wl/as_the_gas_slowly_encompassed_us_i_only_had_one/ | jjo4wl | TwoSentenceComedy | cindybubbles | top_all |
My biracial daughter used to write emo poetry. My favorite was, "My life is black and my world is black and my mom is Black" | 493 | 0.92 | 4 | 1,732,046,185 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gv6aqs/my_biracial_daughter_used_to_write_emo_poetry/ | 1gv6aqs | TwoSentenceComedy | ajmtz12 | top_all |
My wife left me for a guy in a hybrid I never heard him coming | 491 | 0.97 | 8 | 1,606,607,414 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k2yjpl/my_wife_left_me_for_a_guy_in_a_hybrid/ | k2yjpl | TwoSentenceComedy | mr_mike-2004 | top_all |
My girlfriend treats me like a dog. Because she loves cuddling and playing with me, tells me how gorgeous I am, and loves it when I wear a nice sweater | 490 | 0.98 | 9 | 1,745,746,431 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k903e6/my_girlfriend_treats_me_like_a_dog/ | 1k903e6 | TwoSentenceComedy | fadedhalo10 | top_all |
I used to date a cross-eyed girl. I stopped when I found out she was seeing someone on the side. | 488 | 1 | 13 | 1,594,858,906 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hrziyd/i_used_to_date_a_crosseyed_girl/ | hrziyd | TwoSentenceComedy | HybridPumpkin | top_all |
They say everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame. Well I've not had mine yet but I suspect I'll get it tomorrow when the police dig my garden up. | 486 | 0.99 | 12 | 1,599,801,697 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iqkilz/they_say_everyone_has_their_fifteen_minutes_of/ | iqkilz | TwoSentenceComedy | Fb_was_my_idea | top_all |
I Used To Go Out With A Girl Who Punched Me In The Face When She Orgasmed... I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them. | 486 | 0.99 | 14 | 1,619,764,938 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n1o5f8/i_used_to_go_out_with_a_girl_who_punched_me_in/ | n1o5f8 | TwoSentenceComedy | ClutchingMyTinkle | top_all |
I was speechless when my wife accused me of cheating on her So I took her brother's dick out of my mouth to make it easier to speak | 485 | 0.98 | 9 | 1,605,294,298 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jtly8h/i_was_speechless_when_my_wife_accused_me_of/ | jtly8h | TwoSentenceComedy | WriterTheRichie | top_all |
"Those pathetic humans are trying to control nature again, but they'll never halt a river as strong as me!" "Well I'll be dammed..." | 484 | 1 | 4 | 1,745,430,791 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k65n16/those_pathetic_humans_are_trying_to_control/ | 1k65n16 | TwoSentenceComedy | Infurum | top_all |
The dead began to rise from their graves, hungry for the taste of brains The only survivors will be the anti vaxxers and flat earthers | 481 | 0.98 | 11 | 1,596,873,495 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i5vftm/the_dead_began_to_rise_from_their_graves_hungry/ | i5vftm | TwoSentenceComedy | sugar-soad | top_all |
My daughter won’t tell me why she keeps dressing up as a fish I think she’s playing koi | 479 | 0.98 | 13 | 1,745,097,369 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k36k8e/my_daughter_wont_tell_me_why_she_keeps_dressing/ | 1k36k8e | TwoSentenceComedy | sum1inatree | top_all |
"You cannot stop me from going wherever I want mama!" my spoilt son shouted at me as he climbed over the fence. I sat down and watched as my neighbour's dog got him climbing back over the fence in a hurry. | 477 | 0.97 | 7 | 1,601,453,567 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j2i5de/you_cannot_stop_me_from_going_wherever_i_want/ | j2i5de | TwoSentenceComedy | LunaRose320412 | top_all |
So I went to my physical today, the doctor said I grew 5 inches! I also got a bit taller | 475 | 0.98 | 5 | 1,602,972,904 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jd4c87/so_i_went_to_my_physical_today_the_doctor_said_i/ | jd4c87 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I never knew that there was an award for low bone usage. But as it turns out, I've used mine so little that my doctor says I'm getting a trophy! | 473 | 0.99 | 8 | 1,603,682,981 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ji7er1/i_never_knew_that_there_was_an_award_for_low_bone/ | ji7er1 | TwoSentenceComedy | Thepenguinking2 | top_all |
My dad always told me, "If you fart in a crowd of people, blame the person closest to you." So after I farted in church, I called my dad and asked him why the fuck he would do that | 472 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,739,978,784 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1it8257/my_dad_always_told_me_if_you_fart_in_a_crowd_of/ | 1it8257 | TwoSentenceComedy | Shrekdup | top_all |
There is nothing nicer than hearing childrens screams coming from your basement It was so so much fun turning off the power while my daughter and her friends were playing with a ouija board | 471 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,594,789,442 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hrhi8z/there_is_nothing_nicer_than_hearing_childrens/ | hrhi8z | TwoSentenceComedy | sugar-soad | top_all |
My youngest whispered in my ear, "I know what you did." "Your mother is not a 'what'," I said to him. | 470 | 0.95 | 9 | 1,730,113,215 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gdz7l8/my_youngest_whispered_in_my_ear_i_know_what_you/ | 1gdz7l8 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
What do you call a lonely, fat, mammal? Quit looking at me like that, the answer is a lost whale. | 469 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,591,891,224 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h1221r/what_do_you_call_a_lonely_fat_mammal/ | h1221r | TwoSentenceComedy | Writer_On_a_Perch | top_all |
I nervously asked the librarian if she could help me find any books on paranoia. She whispered, *“They’re right behind you.”* | 465 | 0.99 | 9 | 1,736,663,898 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hzgt6z/i_nervously_asked_the_librarian_if_she_could_help/ | 1hzgt6z | TwoSentenceComedy | TheRaincrow | top_all |
Pretending to be asleep, my grip tightened while he quietly entered the room and slowly lifted the covers off my body so as not to wake me. Without warning, I whomped him so hard with the pillow he'll think twice about trying to steal my Halloween candy again. | 465 | 0.99 | 8 | 1,730,384,185 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ggfkyt/pretending_to_be_asleep_my_grip_tightened_while/ | 1ggfkyt | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
What happens to sex offending seamen? Dishonorable discharge | 464 | 0.98 | 5 | 1,601,991,019 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j652du/what_happens_to_sex_offending_seamen/ | j652du | TwoSentenceComedy | YellowDomino | top_all |
Dear Foreign Minister, I hope this message finds you well. *missile | 463 | 0.99 | 14 | 1,601,836,510 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j53xtl/dear_foreign_minister_i_hope_this_message_finds/ | j53xtl | TwoSentenceComedy | GuyAwks | top_all |
What's the one thing snipers can't tell their wives? I missed you this morning. | 463 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,597,332,912 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i922cj/whats_the_one_thing_snipers_cant_tell_their_wives/ | i922cj | TwoSentenceComedy | Drkam87 | top_all |
It is almost a certainty that somewhere in the world right now someone is definitely getting laid. Unfortunately, I cannot confirm it. | 462 | 0.98 | 19 | 1,604,895,732 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jqqude/it_is_almost_a_certainty_that_somewhere_in_the/ | jqqude | TwoSentenceComedy | alagiglia | top_all |
After a bat bit me, my friend insisted I get a rabies shot. I told him not to worry because I was bitten before, and I haven’t aged a day in the last hundred years. | 460 | 0.99 | 14 | 1,753,802,555 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1mcebqz/after_a_bat_bit_me_my_friend_insisted_i_get_a/ | 1mcebqz | TwoSentenceComedy | LevelQx | top_all |
My little nephew squirmed in the pew next to me while people where throwing rice and whispered that he had to go to the bathroom. He looked at me in horror when I told him he should have spoke up earlier because now he would have to hold it forever. | 460 | 0.98 | 7 | 1,745,180,222 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k3vhcf/my_little_nephew_squirmed_in_the_pew_next_to_me/ | 1k3vhcf | TwoSentenceComedy | BadmiralHarryKim | top_all |
I asked my friend why he only wore his N95 in church. He said that his doctor had told him to wear his mask religiously. | 455 | 0.98 | 4 | 1,737,280,245 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1i4v4cu/i_asked_my_friend_why_he_only_wore_his_n95_in/ | 1i4v4cu | TwoSentenceComedy | LatterTowel9403 | top_all |
“Hey, it seems like our perp shot the victim in broad daylight,” said the prosecutor. His assistant looked at the jury pool and mumbled, “Yeah, now we just need to find a guy who *doesn’t* think health insurance is fucked.” | 454 | 0.91 | 14 | 1,735,081,258 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hlom9k/hey_it_seems_like_our_perp_shot_the_victim_in/ | 1hlom9k | TwoSentenceComedy | petyrlabenov | top_all |
I'm in a bad place right now.... Not emotionally, I'm just stuck in traffic. | 453 | 0.97 | 6 | 1,606,495,239 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/k24izs/im_in_a_bad_place_right_now/ | k24izs | TwoSentenceComedy | CKO1967 | top_all |
“Oh, yes, harder!” He moaned happily The aliens stared at each other in horror; this was not a typical human reaction to being probed. | 453 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,616,428,916 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mar1tb/oh_yes_harder_he_moaned_happily/ | mar1tb | TwoSentenceComedy | KailTheDryad | top_all |
“I think you need to go outside and take a breather.” “Frank, we’re astronauts.” | 451 | 0.99 | 7 | 1,600,612,555 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iwexvv/i_think_you_need_to_go_outside_and_take_a_breather/ | iwexvv | TwoSentenceComedy | EsreverEdicius | top_all |
I kept hitting the giant mouse on the head with a bat until it stopped moving And that is the story of how I got a lifetime ban from Disney World | 450 | 0.99 | 6 | 1,595,100,825 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/htmlqo/i_kept_hitting_the_giant_mouse_on_the_head_with_a/ | htmlqo | TwoSentenceComedy | sugar-soad | top_all |
I recently found some bondage porn under my son's bed, so I asked my husband what I should do about it. He turned to me, frowned and said "Well, I sure as hell wouldn't *spank* him!" | 447 | 0.99 | 10 | 1,614,870,904 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lxmqpc/i_recently_found_some_bondage_porn_under_my_sons/ | lxmqpc | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
Well, everybody says that we all get that 15 seconds of fame. I only wish that I lasted longer in that night. | 444 | 0.98 | 8 | 1,599,863,941 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ir0xhz/well_everybody_says_that_we_all_get_that_15/ | ir0xhz | TwoSentenceComedy | WilliamRose17 | top_all |
I emptied my lemonade bottle down the drain and filled it with my urine, in hopes of catching my roommate in the act. I learned the following morning that I had the uncanny ability of sleep-drinking. | 442 | 1 | 3 | 1,600,994,955 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iz9o3g/i_emptied_my_lemonade_bottle_down_the_drain_and/ | iz9o3g | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I went into the bathroom horrified to play the bloody mary game, but I was told by my friends to try it. I was in my bathroom in the dark, waiting, "Bloody mary, Bloody mary, Bl-" "AYO SHUTCHO ASS UP AND GO TO BED YOU GOT SCHOOL TOMORROW!" | 440 | 0.93 | 20 | 1,601,380,922 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j1xvb8/i_went_into_the_bathroom_horrified_to_play_the/ | j1xvb8 | TwoSentenceComedy | BuyOrDieSucker | top_all |
I trained the AI using nothing but my own two-sentence stories and then prompted it to see what it would produce. `Error: Insufficient examples of "comedy".` | 440 | 0.98 | 14 | 1,724,853,267 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1f3asq1/i_trained_the_ai_using_nothing_but_my_own/ | 1f3asq1 | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
I have no good jokes Why are you here I said I got no jokes | 439 | 0.97 | 9 | 1,581,431,658 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/f294ku/i_have_no_good_jokes/ | f294ku | TwoSentenceComedy | arkhamroyale | top_all |
I don't know what you expect from this sub The top rated post is a fucking joke | 434 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,598,087,061 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iefae1/i_dont_know_what_you_expect_from_this_sub/ | iefae1 | TwoSentenceComedy | diamondsnowflakey | top_all |
I pink Therefore I ham | 433 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,732,505,128 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gz9ik4/i_pink/ | 1gz9ik4 | TwoSentenceComedy | Mckinlee27onreddit | top_all |
"I can't believe you were going to cheat on me with a prostitute." "*I* can't believe that *you* were the prostitute!" | 432 | 0.99 | 8 | 1,747,058,498 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kkt9qr/i_cant_believe_you_were_going_to_cheat_on_me_with/ | 1kkt9qr | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist bastards. | 430 | 0.96 | 16 | 1,730,426,507 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ggv1cb/what_do_you_call_a_black_man_flying_a_plane/ | 1ggv1cb | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
Why did the sperm cross the street? Cause I put on the wrong socks this morning. | 428 | 0.96 | 27 | 1,587,361,116 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/g4n1bx/why_did_the_sperm_cross_the_street/ | g4n1bx | TwoSentenceComedy | panda_boi207 | top_all |
Every morning I fill the coffee pot up for MAX. Fuck you Max (whoever you are), I drank the entire pot alone, *again.* | 426 | 0.98 | 11 | 1,601,138,524 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j09b52/every_morning_i_fill_the_coffee_pot_up_for_max/ | j09b52 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
Nearly 1000 years had passed since the people of Earth had sent that first message to an extraterrestrial civilisation detected in a distant arm of the galaxy — “Greetings, we offer friendship.” And now, after a millennium of anticipation, the room was electric with suspense as the long-awaited first message from an al... | 426 | 0.99 | 4 | 1,594,133,214 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hmvvqg/nearly_1000_years_had_passed_since_the_people_of/ | hmvvqg | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I finally got such a amazing and great idea for a post! That was the day, i learned about karma restrictions.... | 425 | 0.98 | 7 | 1,605,660,454 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jw5m0o/i_finally_got_such_a_amazing_and_great_idea_for_a/ | jw5m0o | TwoSentenceComedy | Cyborginox | top_all |
Over the centuries he had been called a Hell Hound, Black shuck, Odin's Beast, and The Death In Darkness. He had no idea why he was now called "Mr Grumpy", or how the white lady had got him in a sweater vest. | 424 | 0.98 | 12 | 1,740,387,032 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1iwxmvj/over_the_centuries_he_had_been_called_a_hell/ | 1iwxmvj | TwoSentenceComedy | Playful_Trouble2102 | top_all |
I recently joined workaholics anonymous to help with my addictive behavior. I was asked to leave after completing all 12 steps in record time. | 424 | 0.99 | 2 | 1,605,958,314 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jy9b0a/i_recently_joined_workaholics_anonymous_to_help/ | jy9b0a | TwoSentenceComedy | NoNoNotLikeThatAgain | top_all |
"You'll be rewarded with the highest honours anyone can receive!" This is the best news my boss has given me since I became a professional mountaineer. | 423 | 0.99 | 11 | 1,604,267,900 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jmaz9z/youll_be_rewarded_with_the_highest_honours_anyone/ | jmaz9z | TwoSentenceComedy | thealiagator111 | top_all |
I met a bitter Christian man who kept quoting Bible verses to everyone he disliked. If he loves his neighbor as himself, he must be a masochist. | 422 | 0.99 | 0 | 1,598,421,138 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/igtcu9/i_met_a_bitter_christian_man_who_kept_quoting/ | igtcu9 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I have finally given up my video game , alcohol and drug addictions Now Im so bored and have nothing to do | 420 | 0.97 | 12 | 1,602,266,223 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j83uw6/i_have_finally_given_up_my_video_game_alcohol_and/ | j83uw6 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
[OCT2020] Funerals are great because they're like jokes If not delivered well, they... die, I guess? | 418 | 0.97 | 12 | 1,603,128,061 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/je5zar/oct2020_funerals_are_great_because_theyre_like/ | je5zar | TwoSentenceComedy | thealiagator111 | top_all |
When I told my aunt that I am not her daughter and that she shouldn’t order me around, she retorted “You should consider yourself lucky that I am not your mother” I replied “Thank God”. | 418 | 0.88 | 32 | 1,744,264,390 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jvqtdp/when_i_told_my_aunt_that_i_am_not_her_daughter/ | 1jvqtdp | TwoSentenceComedy | Nessieinternational | top_all |
[NSFW] Little Red threw open the door in time to see the wolf eating Grandma. "Grandma, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing." | 418 | 0.99 | 13 | 1,618,470,445 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mr9j02/nsfw_little_red_threw_open_the_door_in_time_to/ | mr9j02 | TwoSentenceComedy | NathanielleS | top_all |
Mary had a little lamb... ....and a warrant out for her arrest on charges of stealing from the local petting zoo. | 417 | 0.99 | 26 | 1,605,822,403 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jxc1o3/mary_had_a_little_lamb/ | jxc1o3 | TwoSentenceComedy | CKO1967 | top_all |
Someone told me that, in English grammar, although a double negative can form a positive, there's no way using a double positive can result in a negative. Yeah, right. | 416 | 0.97 | 16 | 1,736,387,666 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hx1izm/someone_told_me_that_in_english_grammar_although/ | 1hx1izm | TwoSentenceComedy | TheRaincrow | top_all |
"Oh boy!" I exclaimed, "I didn't know we had blueberry bagels!" We did not have blueberry bagels
(Got banned from r/TwoSentenceHorror from posting this?? WTF) | 415 | 0.95 | 22 | 1,740,261,416 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ivu7js/oh_boy_i_exclaimed_i_didnt_know_we_had_blueberry/ | 1ivu7js | TwoSentenceComedy | eulers-nephew | top_all |
My roommate has been sending "Snapchat Streaks" for over two years. Pffft, only an idiot would care about fake internet points. | 410 | 0.98 | 4 | 1,594,613,746 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hq8lyg/my_roommate_has_been_sending_snapchat_streaks_for/ | hq8lyg | TwoSentenceComedy | saketho | top_all |
"No son of mine will ever wear makeup, and take off that damned wig!" demanded the irate father. "Why can't you accept me for who I am?" the newly declared clown countered. | 410 | 0.99 | 4 | 1,618,797,045 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mtqjpl/no_son_of_mine_will_ever_wear_makeup_and_take_off/ | mtqjpl | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
I always thought it was sweet when my wife claimed that she would rather be in the woods with her man, rather than the bear. While we were sprinting through the forest, her yards ahead and the bear feet behind me, I finally understood why. | 409 | 0.97 | 34 | 1,726,240,362 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ffx5x6/i_always_thought_it_was_sweet_when_my_wife/ | 1ffx5x6 | TwoSentenceComedy | KrunschGK | top_all |
“Do I look fat in this bikini?” I asked my friend as I stepped out of the fitting room. “Well, Steve, you’re filling the B cup quite nicely so you tell me,” he replied. | 408 | 0.99 | 10 | 1,595,574,176 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hwx76f/do_i_look_fat_in_this_bikini_i_asked_my_friend_as/ | hwx76f | TwoSentenceComedy | cephalicrush | top_all |
Our Nintendo Wii kept beeping every time one of us, or a game character, said a swear word. Finally, I unplugged the sensor bar | 407 | 0.95 | 14 | 1,738,726,673 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ii10f8/our_nintendo_wii_kept_beeping_every_time_one_of/ | 1ii10f8 | TwoSentenceComedy | dickcheney600 | top_all |
My dad went out one night for a loaf of bread and never returned.... I know because this morning he called me to say he's still stuck in the checkout line. | 406 | 0.98 | 8 | 1,608,226,656 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kf20sl/my_dad_went_out_one_night_for_a_loaf_of_bread_and/ | kf20sl | TwoSentenceComedy | CKO1967 | top_all |
“Our next speaker is someone who needs no introduction!” I told the excited audience. In hindsight, there were probably better ways to tell guests that the speech was cancelled. | 405 | 0.99 | 15 | 1,611,492,990 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l3yxwr/our_next_speaker_is_someone_who_needs_no/ | l3yxwr | TwoSentenceComedy | GuyAwks | top_all |
They say during sex you burn off the same calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds! | 404 | 0.99 | 21 | 1,621,466,320 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ngkau6/they_say_during_sex_you_burn_off_the_same/ | ngkau6 | TwoSentenceComedy | oldhandnewmind | top_all |
As he looked at his watch he was running out of time. "Those damn batteries always die when you need them the most!" | 403 | 0.96 | 6 | 1,599,745,367 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iq3itk/as_he_looked_at_his_watch_he_was_running_out_of/ | iq3itk | TwoSentenceComedy | Kusanagi60 | top_all |
Y’know what, I think I’m gonna leave this sub. The man behind the sandwich counter squints at me with utter bafflement as I head out of the restaurant, my order lying half-finished on its plate. | 402 | 0.99 | 2 | 1,611,687,698 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l5kvlt/yknow_what_i_think_im_gonna_leave_this_sub/ | l5kvlt | TwoSentenceComedy | QuestionerOfTheTower | top_all |
I just got a new job sewing people together by the anus on an hourly basis. It's not a dream job, but it makes ends meet. | 400 | 0.97 | 11 | 1,733,863,075 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hbbmbi/i_just_got_a_new_job_sewing_people_together_by/ | 1hbbmbi | TwoSentenceComedy | DismalDude77 | top_all |
I understand why her husband was upset I slept with his wife, but what did he expect when she was just lying there naked? I guess I can't be a a coroner anymore. | 398 | 0.97 | 6 | 1,605,371,291 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ju4lak/i_understand_why_her_husband_was_upset_i_slept/ | ju4lak | TwoSentenceComedy | Am_I_Real_ | top_all |
As I came home from work and saw myself with my family, I only had one thought: There's no way in hell that dumbass of a twin brother's gonna bang my wife! | 397 | 0.99 | 10 | 1,602,742,387 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jbi5tt/as_i_came_home_from_work_and_saw_myself_with_my/ | jbi5tt | TwoSentenceComedy | cindybubbles | top_all |
Me wife said I had no sense of direction I went where did that come from | 396 | 0.98 | 18 | 1,608,050,278 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kdp275/me_wife_said_i_had_no_sense_of_direction/ | kdp275 | TwoSentenceComedy | Cantwaitforhitmanvr | top_all |
I was sweating by the time I began the quiz, already anxious for my results. Please, please don’t say I’m a Miranda. | 396 | 0.98 | 10 | 1,601,606,448 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j3mm5l/i_was_sweating_by_the_time_i_began_the_quiz/ | j3mm5l | TwoSentenceComedy | kwhateverdude | top_all |
Being able to find humour in the dark and even horrific is often called gallows humour. Personally, I never got the hang of it. | 395 | 1 | 9 | 1,609,660,970 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kpgpe1/being_able_to_find_humour_in_the_dark_and_even/ | kpgpe1 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I went into the bathroom and thought, “Where are the urinals?” And that, kids, is how I met your mother. | 393 | 0.99 | 5 | 1,583,768,171 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ffwh7j/i_went_into_the_bathroom_and_thought_where_are/ | ffwh7j | TwoSentenceComedy | 0zzyking | top_all |
“I didn’t mean it” he said “of course I still love you. “ She didn’t cry, but only because worms don’t have eyes, much less tear ducts. | 391 | 0.96 | 14 | 1,736,686,804 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hzm5bv/i_didnt_mean_it_he_said_of_course_i_still_love_you/ | 1hzm5bv | TwoSentenceComedy | erty_MPR | top_all |
I felt the cold clammy hands on my neck and knew that I was in for another night of torture I could never admit to my husband that his neck massages were terrible | 390 | 0.99 | 4 | 1,589,884,586 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gmm31v/i_felt_the_cold_clammy_hands_on_my_neck_and_knew/ | gmm31v | TwoSentenceComedy | sugar-soad | top_all |
We had sex for three hours last night while roleplaying as a doctor and a patient. I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 57 minutes. 😩 | 390 | 1 | 7 | 1,708,819,936 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1az9tr1/we_had_sex_for_three_hours_last_night_while/ | 1az9tr1 | TwoSentenceComedy | According_Pickle_796 | top_all |
"I just feel like our relationship isn't working anymore, like it's just slowly deflating, you know?" "Listen man, that's great and all but are you gonna buy that pack of milk or not?" | 390 | 0.99 | 12 | 1,593,969,701 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hlqbnb/i_just_feel_like_our_relationship_isnt_working/ | hlqbnb | TwoSentenceComedy | t_mme | top_all |
I'll never forget the last thing my Grandpa said to me. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger." | 389 | 0.96 | 18 | 1,735,409,097 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hobbbf/ill_never_forget_the_last_thing_my_grandpa_said/ | 1hobbbf | TwoSentenceComedy | BadmiralHarryKim | top_all |
What do you say after building a well? Well done | 389 | 0.98 | 10 | 1,594,495,908 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hpg3ry/what_do_you_say_after_building_a_well/ | hpg3ry | TwoSentenceComedy | Tramelo | top_all |
I told my girlfriend I wanted to be more like a computer. She said, "You already freeze up when things get too complicated." | 387 | 0.98 | 12 | 1,734,956,942 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hkmqjx/i_told_my_girlfriend_i_wanted_to_be_more_like_a/ | 1hkmqjx | TwoSentenceComedy | RanaViky | top_all |
I awoke to a horrible stench from my daughter's crib. My wifes look of horror mirrored mine, as we realized she hadn't had a diaper change all year. | 387 | 0.98 | 12 | 1,609,521,746 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kof08t/i_awoke_to_a_horrible_stench_from_my_daughters/ | kof08t | TwoSentenceComedy | S93C141 | top_all |
My wife and I are friends with benefits. Her health plan covers my prescriptions. | 386 | 1 | 10 | 1,734,696,487 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hiif3a/my_wife_and_i_are_friends_with_benefits/ | 1hiif3a | TwoSentenceComedy | woodman1061 | top_all |
My daughter learned her lesson after I hit her. Next time, she'll stand on 19. | 385 | 0.94 | 15 | 1,727,192,488 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fofktd/my_daughter_learned_her_lesson_after_i_hit_her/ | 1fofktd | TwoSentenceComedy | GeorgeHSpencer | top_all |
Did you hear that actress was killed last night, Reese.. .. no with a knife, not a spoon | 384 | 0.95 | 12 | 1,601,063,557 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/izqn8u/did_you_hear_that_actress_was_killed_last_night/ | izqn8u | TwoSentenceComedy | Mr-Crooks | top_all |
A Mexican, a Jew, a black man, a midget and a priest walk into a bar. Of course they did, they all wanted to get drunk. | 382 | 0.96 | 4 | 1,603,732,649 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jiioe8/a_mexican_a_jew_a_black_man_a_midget_and_a_priest/ | jiioe8 | TwoSentenceComedy | [deleted] | top_all |
I shivered with terror, my hand gripping the phone, as the man with my voice said that there would be hell to pay when he finds me. I guess that last prank that I pulled on the guy where I “dumped” his long-time girlfriend while pretending to be him was too much for my identical twin brother. | 382 | 0.98 | 8 | 1,605,097,024 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/js73qp/i_shivered_with_terror_my_hand_gripping_the_phone/ | js73qp | TwoSentenceComedy | cindybubbles | top_all |
Dear Santa, can I please have a new set of toys to play with? “Sorry Sarah, but it seems you’re on the naughty list because you’ve been a Ho, Ho, Ho.” | 382 | 0.95 | 7 | 1,608,753,712 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kj04mf/dear_santa_can_i_please_have_a_new_set_of_toys_to/ | kj04mf | TwoSentenceComedy | modernisedtypewriter | top_all |
I lost my virginity on my wedding night, but my new bride said not to worry as it was her first time too. And one month later, she gave birth to our beautiful baby boy. | 379 | 0.98 | 20 | 1,619,434,013 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/myuv1q/i_lost_my_virginity_on_my_wedding_night_but_my/ | myuv1q | TwoSentenceComedy | Remergent4Now | top_all |
I've been banned from another sub. My career in the Navy isn't working out the way I hoped. | 378 | 1 | 17 | 1,613,327,828 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lju9rm/ive_been_banned_from_another_sub/ | lju9rm | TwoSentenceComedy | CKO1967 | top_all |
The guilt of my actions finally forced me to confess to my wife, "I cheated on you with the new neighbor." "Wait, what?", we both responded, once again in complete unison. | 377 | 0.96 | 28 | 1,733,757,807 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hac4xg/the_guilt_of_my_actions_finally_forced_me_to/ | 1hac4xg | TwoSentenceComedy | Outside_Normal | top_all |
I found my ex-girlfriend snuggled up to me in my bed. Don't tell my wife, because she's the one who placed the restraining order against my ex! | 375 | 0.98 | 11 | 1,605,167,526 | https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jsqqkv/i_found_my_exgirlfriend_snuggled_up_to_me_in_my/ | jsqqkv | TwoSentenceComedy | cindybubbles | top_all |
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