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1686242489-301 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Stewart Lee: Content Provider (2018) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-content-provider-transcript/ | This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. FLOORBOARDS CREAK Well, Stewart, hello. I think I’d like to start off by asking… ..how you see yourself at this late juncture of your career? I mean, what is it that you exactly think you’re doing? I don’t know, and it’s not something that I feel is good en... |
1686242493-302 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World (2012) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-carpet-remnant-world-transcript/ | (’70s GERMAN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to enter the Carpet Remnant World of Stewart Lee! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) That was a bit heavy metal, rock and roll that. Can we have some funny music at the start of the second half? Yup. Thanks for coming. (LAUGHTER) Okay. What news do you know... |
1686242497-303 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Amanda Seales: I Be Knowin’ (2019) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amanda-seales-i-be-knowin-transcript/ | Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks ... |
1686242501-304 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | PETE DAVIDSON: ALIVE FROM NEW YORK (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-alive-from-new-york-transcript/ | So, Louis C.K. tried to get me fired from SNL my first year, and this is that story. So, it’s, like, 2014 or ’15, uh, and it’s the finale of SNL, and I-I was so shocked and happy that I didn’t get fired, and this is a feeling that I get to relive every week. -I get… Just, it– it’s really awesome. I can’t– I still can’t... |
1686242505-305 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | PETE DAVIDSON: SMD (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-smd-transcript/ | [vocal music] ♪ Uh-uh, yeah ♪ Uh, uh-uh-uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Uh, uh-uh, yeah, uh ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ [music continues] ♪ ♪ All day, all day ♪ Every day, every day ♪ We was on that block ♪ Until we made a way, made a way ♪
♪ Day to day, man ♪ That’s the only way, only way ♪
♪ They gon’ know my nam... |
1686242509-306 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Marc Maron: End Times Fun (2020) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-end-times-fun-transcript/ | [audience chattering indistinctly] [man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Marc Maron. [audience cheering] [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Nice to see you. [audience quietens] Okay. All right. [sighs] I’m happy you came, I really am. I don’t know how to– I don’t know h... |
1686242513-307 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bert Kreischer: Fighting A Bear [Transcript] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-fighting-a-bear-transcript/ | The machine, Mr. Bert Kreischer, everybody. Let him hear it. [cheers and applause] I fought a bear one time. [laughs] I know– It sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you. But I used to have a show called Hurt Bert. It was on FX, and I used to take new men’s dangerous jobs. Every week, it was a brand-new guy, and I ... |
1686242517-308 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bert Kreischer: Hey Big Boy (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-hey-big-boy-transcript/ | [electronic music playing] [male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… Bert Kreischer! [crowd cheering] Yeah! What’s up? Cleveland! [cheering, whooping] I took a shit in a gender-neutral bathroom the other day… [crowd laughing, whistling] …that made the woman in the stall next to me question her politics. [laughing] She wal... |
1686242521-309 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Segura: Ball Hog (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-ball-hog-transcript/ | [crowd cheering, applauding] [whistling] [whooping] How you doing? No shit. Thank you, thank you. How you guys doing? All right. Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Austin, Texas. Um… [crowd cheers] Yeah. When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids, and, uh, she’s… she’s pretty attached, you know. Um… [c... |
1686242525-310 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: The Indian Drill Sergeant – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-indian-drill-sergeant-transcript/ | In 1965 “The Indian Sergeant,” was emerging as George Carlin’s surefire crowd-pleaser. The premise involved an Indian warrior who called his troops to order like an army drill sergeant. Carlin introduced the bit by noting that classic Westerns typically spent an hour and a half showing the cowboys getting ready for the... |
1686242529-311 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris D’Elia: Man on Fire (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-man-on-fire-transcript/ | [♪♪♪] ♪ Fire ♪
♪ Fire ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Man on fire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Fire ♪
♪ Man on fire ♪ Yes. [audience continues cheering] Yes. All right. Yeah. All right. Just relax. We’re fucking here, doing this in Canada. I’m happy about that. [audience cheering] Look at this crowd. Yo, all right. I know, uh… I... |
1686242533-312 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CHRIS D’ELIA: WHITE MALE. BLACK COMIC. (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-d-elia-white-male-black-comic-transcript/ | Man: [rapping]
♪ damn, damn, damn ♪
♪ feel my flow, act like you don’t know ♪
♪ but you do, it’s chad smith ♪
♪ who are you? ♪
♪ Come through the door, and the party for sho ♪
♪ might feel my flow, this is how I roll ♪
♪ why do some dudes have more bitches? ♪
♪ That’s the way it goes, gonna pull some stitches ♪... |
1686242537-313 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DAVE ALLEN: FIRST DAY AT CATHOLIC SCHOOL [TRANSCRIPT] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-allen-first-day-at-school-transcript/ | Dave Allen on his first day at Catholic school. A reminder that the best comedy is truth: just by re-stating exactly what the church preaches, it exposes its absurdity. I went to the school in a little village called Raheny (Rath Eanna) in county Dublin. My first day. The school. This convent. Long winding driveway up ... |
1686242541-314 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MARIA BAMFORD: WEAKNESS IS THE BRAND (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-weakness-is-the-brand-transcript/ | [microphone droans] [music playing] [crowd cheering, applauding] Thank you for coming out. [laughs] Great time. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. And thank you, you the viewer, who’s probably doing something else right now. You get your laundry done. Whatever you need to do. You guys! Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming o... |
1686242545-315 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Norton: Monster Rain (2007) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-monster-rain-transcript/ | Thank you! Aw, thank you very much. Thank you, guys. Man, that was nice. Thank you so much for coming here tonight. Thank you all for risking your lives and coming to this neighborhood. Jesus Christ! If I do another special, maybe I can get a theatre in Fallujah. It’s so nice. I had a great thing happen this week. I wa... |
1686242549-316 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM NORTON: AMERICAN DEGENERATE (2013) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-american-degenerate-transcript/ | This year I wanted the opening of my new special to feel, well, special. So I wanted to get somebody who is not only well known but who my audience will understand is very important to me personally. Wow, that’s, I’m honored Jimmy. Not you. Oh. No offense but I was kind of hoping for someone a little more famous. Oh wh... |
1686242553-317 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | SINCERELY LOUIS CK (2020) | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sincerely-louis-ck-transcript/ | Great comedy is finally back. Louis C.K. is now a comedian with nothing to lose, not afraid of liberal media bashing him or Twitter mob “canceling” him for his jokes. His jokes have gone even darker than before and he doesn’t shy away from discussing what he’s done. This a ruthless and glorious return and huge middle f... |
1686242557-318 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR ON THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN (2010) – TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-late-show-with-david-letterman-2010/ | Bill Burr performing on The Late Show with David Letterman in 2010. Please welcome back the very funny Bill Burr everybody! Alright! Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank You! Alright. OK, Alright. Let’s get into it here. I uh… I’ve been battling with my girlfriend a lot lately. Um. She loves to watch The Oprah Winfre... |
1686242561-319 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours To Kill (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerry-seinfeld-23-hours-to-kill-transcript/ | Jerry Seinfeld’s new hourlong comedy special, Jerry Seinfeld: 23 Hours to Kill is now available on Netflix [In the first scene of the special we see Seinfield arriving at New York’s Beacon Theater after taking on a secret-agent persona and jumping out of a helicopter into the Hudson River] Helicopter Pilot: Mr. Seinfel... |
1686242565-320 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | T.J. MILLER: NO REAL REASON (2011) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/t-j-miller-no-real-reason-transcript/ | – I wish I didn’t have to do this to perform, but it’s gotten me this far. All: you’re bad. You’re bad. You’re very, very bad. Thanks, guys. Can you clear all this out of here? [Sighs] [indistinct chatter] Mother, thank you for everything. I hope you get married and don’t die alone. [Indistinct chatter] – father, I jus... |
1686242569-321 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LEE MACK: LIVE (2007) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lee-mack-live-transcript/ | [TAKE ME OUT BY FRANZ FERDINAND PLAYING] PRESENTER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lee Mack. [AUDIENCE CHEERING] Yes! Come on! It’s the last night of the tour! Yes! Right, let’s start with a joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause his house is being bombed by the Russians. Leave him alone, he’s only a ch... |
1686242573-322 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LEE MACK: GOING OUT LIVE (2010) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lee-mack-going-out-live-transcript/ | This programme contains strong language [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING] Over 100 dates across the country but this is the big one, the one he’s really been looking forward to, the best town on the tour, yes, we’re here in… Hammersmith. Yes, wonderful, beautiful, amazing… Hammersmith. Famous, of course, for its fantastic… Flyov... |
1686242577-323 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JO KOY: LIGHTS OUT (2012) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-koy-lights-out-2012-full-transcript/ | [hip-hop music] L.A., are you ready? [cheers and applause] Live from the Alex Theatre, give it up for Jo Koy! What? What? Oh, shit. Wow. We’re in Los Angel– This is why I love coming home to Los Angeles. This is my home right now, man. [cheers and applause] This is where we do it. Like, just look around, man. Everyone,... |
1686242581-324 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIMMY O. YANG: GOOD DEAL (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-o-yang-good-deal-transcript/ | ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage… Jimmy O. Yang! [CHEERING] [MUSIC – METER MOBB FT TOO $HORT, “YOU CAME TO PARTY”] How’s everybody doing? Yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you guys very much for coming out. What’s up, y’all beautiful people? This is great, man. You guys can have a seat now. You guys can h... |
1686242585-325 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RUSSELL PETERS: DEPORTED (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/russell-peters-deported-transcript/ | [TYPING] [CHEERING] NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s start time at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium. And right about now, we’re going to bring you the brother that gave you, “somebody going to get a hurt real bad,” “be a man,” “take it and go.” One of “Rolling Stones” 50 greatest stand up comics of all time. Let’s bring h... |
1686242589-326 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | PATTON OSWALT: I LOVE EVERYTHING (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-i-love-everything-transcript/ | This is the full transcript of Patton Oswalt: I Love Everything (2020), released on Netflix on May 19, 2020. Patton Oswalt has seen extreme highs and lows in the last few years. The actor and comedian’s first wife, the true-crime writer Michelle McNamara, died in 2016. After that, Oswalt told The New York Times, “I’ll ... |
1686242593-327 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Hasan Minhaj: Homecoming King (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-homecoming-king-transcript/ | [theme music: orchestral hip-hop] [crowd roars] What’s up? Davis, what’s up? I’m home. I had to bring it back here. Netflix said, “Where do you want to do the special? LA, Chicago, New York?” I was like, “Nah, son. Davis California.” [cheering, whooping] This has, um… This has been a very good year for me. I recently g... |
1686242597-328 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannah-gadsby-douglas-transcript/ | The following is the transcript of Hannah Gadbsy: Douglas. In her second Netflix special, named after her dog, Gadsby explores how autism affects her thinking — and takes a little more time to pick on the patriarchy ♪ Douglas Douglass, apple tree ♪
♪ Have a wife, now let her be ♪
♪ Give me, give me what you got ♪
♪ ... |
1686242601-329 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILLY CONNOLLY: HIGH HORSE TOUR LIVE (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/billy-connolly-high-horse-tour-live-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Billy Connolly! You’re only doing that because I’m not well. “I love you, Billy!” I’m not a well man. We’ll have words about that later. It’s nice to be here, it’s nice to be back in London, it’s great to be at the Apollo. The last time I performed was in Canada, in Novemb... |
1686242605-330 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | KENNY SEBASTIAN DON’T BE THAT GUY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kenny-sebastian-dont-be-that-guy-transcript/ | Make some noise for Kenny Sebastian. Oh my God. Thank you so much Mumbai. Thank you. Thank you. Really. How are you guys doing? Oh shit. Let’s do this. Come on guys. It’s the Royal Opera House, guys. The Royal Opera House. Yeah, it’s a big deal. I know none of you know the history but it’s a big deal. I took bath twice... |
1686242609-331 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RAMY YOUSSEF: FEELINGS (2019) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ramy-youssef-feelings-transcript/ | Welcome to the meeting. Are you Mohammed? No, ’cause this dude texted me, and he was like, “Yo, can I…” He hit me up. He was like, “Oh, can I get a ticket to your show?” And I didn’t have his number saved. And I was like, “Just tell me your name. I’ll put you on the list.” And he just wrote back, “Mohammed,” and… And I... |
1686242613-332 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Gethard: Career Suicide (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-gethard-career-suicide-transcript/ | ♪ I hate my brain ♪
♪ Because the things I think sometimes ♪
♪ Are so judgmental and lame ♪
♪ I’ve got everything that I want ♪
♪ Except my set of expectations ♪
♪ Won’t stay the same ♪ Thank you very much. Before I tell you anything else, I want you to know, I see a shrink. We’re good. I’ve been actually seeing t... |
1686242617-333 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DOUG STANHOPE: FEAR OF AN EMPTY BED [TRANSCRIPT] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-fear-of-an-empty-bed-transcript/ | Comedy Central, Oct 4, 2016 After a bad breakup, Doug Stanhope’s rebound relationship with a beautiful woman runs into an unexpected obstacle. Ladies and gentlemen, so excited to bring him up. Finally doing my show. From the–the host of “The Doug Stanhope Podcast,” Mr. Doug Stanhope! This story is about relationships, ... |
1686242621-334 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mark Normand: Don’t Be Yourself (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mark-normand-dont-be-yourself-transcript/ | Mark Normand: One minute. Amy Schumer: Mark, listen. I know exactly what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, this is my first hour special and I’m freaking out and I don’t deserve it. And you’re thinking you’re not funny enough and that you’re not good-looking enough for television. And just– you need to quiet ... |
1686242625-335 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: Hbo Comedy Half-Hour (1998) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-hbo-comedy-half-hour-1998-transcript/ | Well, I started when I was fourteen, that’s when I figured it all out. Wow, ten more years ahead of me. Yeah, but I have a short attention span, I’ve been thinking about quitting. I want to do something else. You know what my first job in the workforce was? I had to put on a f*cking cookie costume, and hand out fliers ... |
1686242629-336 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ROY WOOD JR.: FATHER FIGURE (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-father-figure-transcript/ | Look, I’m probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know, so let’s just run through a couple things real fast. Number one, I need you to treat women with respect always. Even if you think you’re right, be respectful. Number two, don’t mix white and dark liquor. That’s how you end up in the... |
1686242633-337 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ERIC ANDRE: LEGALIZE EVERYTHING (2020) | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eric-andre-legalize-everything-transcript/ | Opening Sketch [dramatic music playing] [street bustles] [cars honk] [drumming rhythmically] [New Orleans jazz band plays] [sirens wail] [police dispatcher murmurs] [siren whooping] [tires screeching] [engine revs] [dispatcher continues] [whooping continues] [tires screech] [dramatic music softens] [bottles shatter in ... |
1686242637-338 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: Doin’ It Again (1990) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-doin-it-again-transcript/ | Recorded on January 12–13, 1990, State Theatre, New Brunswick, New Jersey So you want to talk about it? Oh yeah. It all started in 1977. I mean, that’s when I started doing it regularly. How many times have you done it? Six times. I’ve done it six times. Why do you do it? I don’t know. It’s like I can’t help myself. Wh... |
1686242641-339 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL HICKS: THE CENSORED SEVEN MINUTES ON LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [FULL TRANSCRIPT] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-censored-david-letterman-transcript/ | On October 1, 1993, Hicks was scheduled to appear on Late Show with David Letterman on CBS, where Letterman had recently moved. It was his 12th appearance on a Letterman late-night show, but his entire performance was removed from the broadcast: until that point the only occasion where a comedian’s entire routine was c... |
1686242645-340 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: INTOLERANT (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-intolerant-transcript/ | [rock music plays] [cheering and applause] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Jefferies! [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause continues] Hello, Boston! How you doing? Thank you for that. Thank you for that. You all getting fucked up? [cheering] I’m not drinking. I got water. -I can’t drink like I used to d... |
1686242649-341 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE LOPEZ: WE’LL DO IT FOR HALF (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-lopez-well-do-it-for-half-transcript/ | San Francisco, it’s my honor to introduce to you the voice of our generation, my big homie, El Más Chingón, George Lopez! Qué chingados. [audience cheering] I said, qué chingados! [audience cheering] For those of you who don’t understand… Same shit. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. My name is George Lopez. [a... |
1686242653-342 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | URZILA CARLSON: OVERQUALIFIED LOSER (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/urzila-carlson-overqualified-loser-transcript/ | Watch Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser on Netflix [male host] Make some noise, welcome to the stage… Urzila Carlson! [audience cheering] [rock music plays] [cheering continues] You guys! See? This is why… [cheering softens] This is why people love Australia. ‘Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut. [audience l... |
1686242657-343 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jack Whitehall: I’m Only Joking (2020) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jack-whitehall-im-only-joking-transcript/ | Look. Jack! Jack! Jack, can you sign this for me, please? Jack– – Oh! What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stand back. Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy, and welcome to the stage Mr. Jack Whitehall! Hello, Wembley! Wow, it doesn’t get any more prestigious than this. I’m quite nervous. I’m quite nervous. I’ve got ... |
1686242661-344 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Sam Jay: 3 in the Morning (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-jay-3-in-the-morning-transcript/ | Holy shit. What the fuck is up, Atlanta? This shit is fuckin’ amazing, man. Wow. This shit really hit me today. I was– I was walking to the venue and, you know, all the emotions. Like, this is my fucking special. I’m here, I’m doing the shit that I set out to do this whole fuckin’ time. You know? I was walking down, an... |
1686242665-345 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rob-schneider-asian-momma-mexican-kids-transcript/ | [Rob Schneider] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Rob Schneider. [audience cheering] [upbeat music playing] [cheering, clapping] Thank you very much. Thank you, Salt Lake! You can do it! How are you? [chuckles] You know what I realized recently? I’m at the age now… It’s not that I’m less interested in sex, but I’m ... |
1686242669-346 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-mcintyre-showman-transcript/ | Released on September 15, 2020 [Netflix] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Michael McIntyre! Bravo! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome… …to my Netflix special! Let’s do this! Thank you! If I’m honest with you, I wanted to be in slightly better… physical condition for… f-for the special. I plann... |
1686242673-347 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Craig Ferguson: A Wee Bit o’ Revolution (2009) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-a-wee-bit-o-revolution-transcript/ | July 4th, 2008
Boston, Mass. [Drumming] I arrived here in 1995, a broken-down vaudevillian from the old country. But I arrived in America. Here’s what America asked of me–nothing. And I was free. Free of my own past. Free to succeed. Free to fail. America did not even ask me to be a citizen. I chose to be a citizen. W... |
1686242677-348 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RONNY CHIENG: ASIAN COMEDIAN DESTROYS AMERICA (2019) – TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ronny-chieng-asian-comedian-destroys-america-transcript/ | [“The Evening Primrose (Ye Lai Xiang)” by Li Xianglan plays] [woman singing in Chinese] [audience applauds and cheers] [female host] Ladies and gentlemen, Ronny Chieng! [audience cheers and applauds] [Ronny] Thank you! Thank you! [cheering and applause continue] Thank you! Thank you. Okay! Thank you. We gotta get going... |
1686242681-349 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | John Mulaney: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Original air date: October 31, 2020 John Mulaney talks about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s coronavirus briefings, the 2020 election and his grandmother. Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live” f... |
1686242685-350 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bill Burr: Snl Monologue (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Bill Burr does stand-up about the COVID-19 pandemic, cancel culture and white women. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] ♪ Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. I am so — I am so excited to be here I have been doing standup forever, and this has always... |
1686242689-351 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Original air date: October 10, 2020 Host Chris Rock does stand-up about Donald Trump contracting COVID-19, the pandemic and the U.S. government. Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it’s faced
—James Baldwin [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock! [cheers and applaus... |
1686242693-352 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/ | Original air date: November 07, 2020 [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This... |
1686242697-353 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Sam Morril: I Got This (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-morril-i-got-this-2020-transcript/ | Sam Morril second one-hour special “I Got This” was released on the Comedy Central Stand-Up YouTube page in February 2020. (audience cheering) Okay. Thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this. I appreciate it. This is a good thing. It’s a good time to be alive. Great time to be a man, right? The bar is nice... |
1686242708-354 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kevin Hart: Zero F**ks Given (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-zero-fks-given-2020-transcript/ | Streaming on Netflix from November 17, 2020 [Kenzo babbling] [Kevin] Yo. What’s up? I was looking all over the house for y’all. [Eniko] We’re just chilling. About to go downstairs, get some work done. What up, champ? [imperceptible] Finish your homework? [Eniko] No. Look in my eyes. [Kenzo babbling] You’re lying. Fi... |
1686242714-355 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Craig Ferguson: Just Being Honest (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-just-being-honest-transcript/ | Watch the full show for free on YouTube [bagpipe music] ♪ ♪ [upbeat rock music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause intensify] It’s a great day for America, everybody! [cheers and applause] It’s– It’s a great day for me. I finally get to use my sign! You’d be surprised how many times in America they’re not t... |
1686242718-356 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Larry the Cable Guy – Remain Seated (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/larry-the-cable-guy-remain-seated-transcript/ | [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Larry, The Cable Guy! [crowd cheer and applaud] All right. Thank you. Please remain seated. Do not rush the stage. Thank you. Well, this is awesome.! Who cancelled? Thank you so much… for having me. This is a good-looking crowd. I’ll tell you what. Right now, Cracker Barrel’s wondering... |
1686242722-357 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Vir Das: Outside in – The Lockdown Special (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/vir-das-outside-in-the-lockdown-special-transcript/ | [soft piano music playing] [Vir Das] What you’re about to watch wasn’t supposed to happen. It’s completely unscripted. It was totally unplanned. It’s just… a moment in time. When the world shut down, we decided to do 30 shows for charity, just to raise money for COVID relief. And every night, I’d ask people the same qu... |
1686242729-358 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-words-words-words-transcript/ | (Cheers and applause) Thank you. (Laughter) When I say hey, you say ho. Hey. Ho! Hey. Ho! That’s basically how Hitler rose to power. (Laughter, soft piano music plays) ♫ My show is a little bit silly ♫ ♫ And a little bit pretentious ♫ ♫ Like Shakespeare’s willie ♫ ♫ Or Noam Chomsky wearing a strap-on ♫ ♫ It’s also a li... |
1686242735-359 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Sarah Cooper: Everything’s Fine (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-cooper-everythings-fine-transcript/ | [anthemic classical music playing] [narrator] This story is about Sarah Cooper, who was a morning news anchor from the spring of 2017 to the fall of 2020. At her peak, Cooper had a HUT rating of 54 and a 27 audience share. [imperceptible] [narrator] She looks all right here, but inside, she’s losing her mind every time... |
1686242739-360 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing (2006) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-life-worth-losing-transcript/ | Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York A modern man Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m a modern man. A man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically and ecologically... |
1686242743-361 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-total-blackout-the-tamborine-extended-cut-transcript/ | [Jimmy Fallon] Were you at the, uh, White House party? [Chris Rock] Yes, I was at the White House. Everybody was there. It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House… [chuckles softly] You been to the White House? [Jimmy] Yes. It’s amazing. [Jimmy] It’s unbelievable. You walk in, you see these humongous portrait... |
1686242747-362 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Doug Stanhope: Beer Hall Putsch (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-beer-hall-putsch-transcript/ | Recorded live at Dante’s in Portland, Oregon We are downstairs in the Dante’s green room in Portland, Oregon, shortly before we start taping the new special, beer hall putsch. What’s a putsch? Beer hall putsch. What’s that? It was Hitler’s early failed attempt At overthrowing the German government in ’24, where he’d wo... |
1686242751-363 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: Politically Correct Language | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-politically-correct-language/ | I know I’m a little late with this, but I’d like to get a few licks on this totally bogus topic before it completely disappears from everyone’s consciences. First I want to be really clear about one thing: as far as other people’s feeling are concerned—especially these “victim groups”—when I deal with them as individua... |
1686242755-364 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Brian Regan: On The Rocks (2021) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brian-regan-on-the-rocks-transcript/ | Filmed in 2020 at the Tuacahn outdoor amphitheater, Utah. [upbeat rock music plays] [crowd cheering, applauding] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Regan! [audience cheering, whistling] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Well, let’s g... |
1686242759-365 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/ | [folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪
♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ On a credit card ♪
♪ Hey ♪ [girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy. You did your riding with the horses? Yeah. But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride h... |
1686242763-366 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Joe List: I Hate Myself (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-list-i-hate-myself-transcript/ | [Emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Joe List. [audience applauds and cheers] Thank you. [audience applauds and cheers] Thank you. That was way too much. I feel like, I feel like everyone’s aware that that was too much. There was definitely a moment where collectively everyone was like, I think we’re overdoing it, a little bi... |
1686242766-367 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/ | (Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston.... |
1686242769-368 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-inside-transcript/ | Exploring mental health decline over 2020, the constant challenges our world faces, and the struggles of life itself, Bo Burnham creates a wonderful masterpiece to explain each of these, both from general view and personal experience. * * * ♪ If you’d have told me ♪ ♪ A year ago ♪ ♪ That I’d be locked inside of my hom... |
1686242773-369 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Papa: Freaked Out (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-freaked-out-transcript/ | ♪ Now the time is right ♪ ♪ Bright city light ♪ ♪ Turn it up a little louder ♪ ♪ Calling out your name ♪ ♪ To come out and play ♪ ♪ Before the midnight hour ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Everyone getting all dressed up ♪ ♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ We’re bringing on the night ♪ ♪ We’re taking on the town ♪ ♪ We’re shining like the... |
1686242777-370 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Papa: Human Mule (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-human-mule-transcript/ | aired December 2016 [plodding music] ♪ Please welcome to the stage Tom Papa. [cheers and applause] Thank you. [cheers and applause continue] Cleveland. Thank you so much. You guys look great. Cleveland, Ohio. [crowd cheering] That’s why I’m here: good people, the best people. So great. Good to see you. Thank you for co... |
1686242781-371 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great! (2020) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-youre-doing-great-transcript/ | [applause, whooping] [presenter] Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Papa. [mouths] [whistling and cheering] [mouths] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Look at you. Look at you. New Jersey. [cheering] Yeah! That’s why I’m here. It’s the people. It’s definitely not the weather. It’s the people. Thank you so much for coming out. I’... |
1686242785-372 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: 8:46 – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-846-transcript/ | June 6, 2020 8:46 is a performance special by comedian Dave Chappelle about violence against African Americans. The special was released via YouTube on June 12, 2020. The performance is not a traditional stand-up comedy special, as it was recorded at a private outdoor venue due to the COVID-19 pandemic in Ohio and feat... |
1686242790-373 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Phil Wang: Philly Philly Wang Wang (2021) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/phil-wang-philly-philly-wang-wang-transcript/ | [hip-hop music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [music stops] All right! [cheering and applauding continue] Wow. So nice! Oh, wow. Gosh, that’s way… Come on, now. Please. That is… That is so nice. Keep going forever. [laughs] Look at this. Here we are. London Palladium. My gosh. [cheering] Thank you so much ... |
1686242794-374 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-madigan-again-transcript/ | As our friend Jeff Harmon says, you know a city’s great when it welcomes you with a fist… A big, black fist. It’s right in your face. No explanation. Just… “Guess what. Somebody, while you’re here, may or may not punch you in the face, and this is what the fist will look like when it comes to your face.” Yeah, it’s Joe... |
1686242800-375 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kathleen Madigan: Bothering Jesus (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kathleen-madigan-bothering-jesus-transcript/ | [chattering] [man] Whoo! [chattering] [woman] ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ ♪ She’s coming on the stage now ♪ [audience laughs] ♪ She’s gonna be here shortly ♪ ♪ She even put some pants on ♪ ♪ At least I think she might have ♪ ♪ ’Cause she’s professional ♪ ♪ Kathleen ♪ ♪ Madigan ♪ [male announcer] S... |
1686242804-376 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: The Closer (2021) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-the-closer-transcript/ | [audience murmuring] [murmuring continues] [audience clapping in unison] [sudden silence] [vinyl pops] ♪ Listen carefully ♪
♪ This is for my favorite band Of human beings ♪
♪ The faithful, the graceful, The tragic, the classic ♪
♪ The evidence of things unseen, The book of light ♪
♪ The mansions of the moon The bon... |
1686242808-377 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mo Amer: Mohammed in Texas (2021) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mo-amer-mohammed-in-texas-transcript/ | [quirky flute music playing] [single note piano music playing] Ladies and gentleman. [cheering] You can feel excitement in the air. Here we go, Houston, Texas! [cheering] Let’s get this show on the road. Dwayne Johnson here, also known as The Rock, also known as La Roca in Spanish, also known as the sexiest motherfucke... |
1686242811-378 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Drew Michael: Red Blue Green (2021) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-red-blue-green-transcript/ | (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC ENDS) DREW MICHAEL: It’s nice to see you people. I have a hard time with people, so here we go. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Well, it’s always been hard for me to connect with people throughout my whole life, and I think there’s, you know, a lot of reasons for that. Um, I have a hearing loss th... |
1686242814-379 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-drew-michael-2018-transcript/ | “This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.” “One a.m.?” “Yeah.” “After that, what happens? You get cranky?” “Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.” “Yeah.” “It’s very rough for me to wanna” “Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after... |
1686242818-380 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-sorry-transcript/ | Recorded at the Madison Square Garden on August 14, 2021 * * * ♪♪ [“Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan playing] ♪♪ ♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪
♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪
♪ Didn’t you? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪
♪ You’re bound to fall ♪
♪ You thought they were all ♪
♪ A-kiddin... |
1686242822-381 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Gaffigan: Comedy Monster (2021) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-comedy-monster-transcript/ | Thank you! Thank you! Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Aw, thank you so much. Thank you. Aw… That’s so nice. That almost makes me forget we’re all gonna be dead in a week. I’m kidding. It’ll probably be a month. Remember when we thought the pandemic was over? Everyone was so happy. “We did it!” We ... |
1686242826-382 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Aziz Ansari: Nightclub Comedian (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-nightclub-comedian-transcript/ | [tranquil drum and bass music plays] [comedian] We had a golden retriever. Yes, and you guys know me, I don’t see race, but I think we all know that’s a white dog. [audience laughs] Again, sit that one out. Sexting. As a dyslexic adult, sexting, that is the hurdle. I was dating a woman. She was a strong feminist. We wo... |
1686242830-383 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Ali Wong: Don Wong (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-don-wong-transcript/ | Ladies, gentlemen, and everybody, put your hands together. Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong! Hi, everybody! We love you, Ali! Thank you. You know, I’m very jealous and bitter that when a man finds any ounce of mainstream success in comedy, they get to date models, actresses, and pop singers. One of my dear friends ... |
1686242834-384 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Trevor Noah at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner 2022 | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-white-house-correspondents-dinner-2022-transcript/ | Great. I got a promise I will not be going to jail. I’ll switch things up now. Let’s see how we do this. How’s everybody doing tonight? You guys good? Everyone good? [cheers and applause] First of all, thank you so much, Steve. Good evening, Mr President, First Lady, members of the media, and all the men relieved that ... |
1686242838-385 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Moses Storm: Trash White (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/moses-storm-trash-white-transcript/ | ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause] ♪♪♪ [cheers and applause continue] Crazy will always beat scary. Do you know what I mean by that? It’s not a great thesis. It’s not profound, but legitimately, that is the closest I have come to forgiveness in my life. So for most of my life, my mom was a single parent. Five kids. No child sup... |
1686242842-386 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Taylor Tomlinson: Quarter-Life Crisis (2020) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-quarter-life-crisis-transcript/ | [“Making Love to the Dead” by Beginners plays] ♪ Darling, go ♪ ♪ Hey ♪
♪ Watch your head ♪
♪ Don’t look down, baby ♪
♪ Under the bed ♪
♪ Let it show ♪
♪ What you’ve read… ♪ [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Taylor Tomlinson. [cheering] Wow! I hope my ex sees this. Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so mu... |
1686242846-387 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Taylor Tomlinson: Look at You (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/taylor-tomlinson-look-at-you-transcript/ | [upbeat music] [sentimental music] [announcer] Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson! [audience cheering] Thank you so much! [cheering] Thank you! Thank you, guys, so much! Thank you! I so, so appreciate you guys being here. It’s been a rough couple of years. I got bangs at one point. Shit got dark. [audience laughs] I didn’... |
1686242850-388 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerrod-carmichael-rothaniel-transcript/ | Man… We were waiting for you. I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy all of you are here. I have so much to tell you. You’re comfortable? You can talk back to me. I want you guys to feel that. This only works if we feel like family. I know the camera’s here and it’s a whole thing. It’s a big night, it’s a lot of pressure. Th... |
1686242854-389 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mike Epps: Indiana Mike (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-indiana-mike-transcript/ | [announcer] Indianapolis, what’s up? [crowd cheering, applauding] This was real important to Mike Epps to come back to Indianapolis, to represent and put his city on the map. [yelling] Get on your feet! Put your hands together for Mike Epps! [“Portsmouths Finest” by Djbabyegg playing] ♪ Uh, check it out, chick bein’ op... |
1686242860-390 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Catherine Cohen: The Twist…? She’s Gorgeous (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/catherine-cohen-the-twist-she-gorgeous-transcript/ | I’m starring in a show! I’m Catherine and I dance very beautiful! [man] Hey, Catherine. [young Catherine laughs] No pictures. No pictures. No pictures. Well, I’m just gonna walk into the TV. [woman] You are? Yeah. [woman] That’s magic. I know. ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ♪ ♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Ha, ha, ha ♪ [Catherine]... |
1686242865-391 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mike Epps: Don’t Take It Personal (2015) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-dont-take-it-personal-transcript/ | [upbeat piano playing] [piano crescendos] [indistinct radio chatter] Ladies and gentlemen, I’m DJ Brandi Garcia. Give it up for Miss Chloe Flower on the piano. Now, LA, everyone, get up on your feet. Give it up for the baddest man in comedy, Mike Epps! [piano playing resumes] [hip-hop beat playing] What’s up, LA? ♪ Ho,... |
1686242870-392 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mike Epps: Under Rated… Never Faded & X-Rated (2009) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-under-rated-never-faded-x-rated-transcript/ | [Cheers and applause] Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [Cheers and applause intensify] Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! [Beatboxing] [music plays] If you’re born and raised in the “d,” make some noise! And give it up, from hollywood to the hood, for my brother — Mike Epps! [Drum beat playing] Let’s go! Al... |
1686242875-393 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Ricky Gervais: SuperNature (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-supernature-transcript/ | [audience cheering and applauding] [announcer] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please welcome to the stage a man who really doesn’t need to do this. [audience laughing] Ricky Gervais. [upbeat music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [audience cheering] [music fades] Hello. Hello. Thank you. [cheering conti... |
1686242880-394 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-nothing-special-transcript/ | Norm was working hard preparing material for his Netflix special – until COVID shut things down. In the summer of 2020, he was scheduled to undergo a procedure and as he put it, “didn’t want to leave anything on the table in case things went south.” At home, the night before going in, he shot this – in one take. [Lori ... |
1686242884-395 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-presents-friends-who-kill-transcript/ | [rock music] [announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr. All right, what’s going on? How are you? Good evening. Good evening and welcome. Welcome to this wonderful evening of stand-up comedy. All right, you guys have great energy. I like that. I’m liking the energy already. It’s safe to say I guess the pandemic’s over? It ki... |
1686242888-396 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Amy Schumer Presents: Parental Advisory (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-presents-parental-advisory-transcript/ | [announcer] Please welcome your host, Amy Schumer. [cheers, applause] Thank you, wow! Thank you so much! I deserve this, I do. Totally. Please, sit. Please! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, if we didn’t have COVID yet, we’ve got it now. What a way to go. I have not had COVID yet. Who else? Clap if you haven’t had... |
1686242892-397 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Pete Davidson Presents: The Best Friends (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/pete-davidson-presents-the-best-friends-transcript/ | ♪ Old lady on my case again ♪ ♪ Told me straighten up Tuck your shirt in ♪ ♪ Sometimes it feels like I can’t win ♪ ♪ Get the fuck up out the crib For a spin ♪ ♪ And I ain’t had a drink since Friday night ♪ ♪ Three days since I even had a smoke ♪ ♪ But I’m drawn like a moth To the neon light ♪ ♪ Need a dart and some son... |
1686242895-398 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jon Stewart Acceptance Speech | 2022 Mark Twain Prize | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jon-stewart-acceptance-speech-2022-mark-twain-prize/ | Thank you so much. (audience applauds) You know, that’s a wonderful surprise. This night, is that it? (audience laughs) You know, I been in this 35 years, was it, like, eight people? (audience laughs) I don’t know, I guess I expected more. (audience laughs) (chuckles) This is incredible. You’re f*cking amazing. Gary Cl... |
1686242899-399 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-live-at-red-rocks-transcript/ | [audience cheering, whistling] [emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr! [cheering and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How are ya? How’s it goin’? All right. You guys standin’ up, sit down. Sit down. See if I’m funny. I’ve been inside for a year and a half just like ... |
1686242903-400 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022) | Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-we-all-scream-transcript/ | [“Hard to Kill” by Bleached plays] [audience cheering and applauding] Hello! Denver! [cheering and applause continues] [Patton laughs] Oh my God! Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [cheering continues] Thank you. Oh my God! Yes! Thank you all so much for coming out tonight. Um… Hey, I broke my foot. Yeah. That’s h... |
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