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THE KISS HELLO | THE KISS HELLO Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to g... |
THE BOOKSTORE | THE BOOKSTORE Written by Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe (Bookstore) (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore) GEORGE I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York. JERRY First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, ... |
THE WATCH | THE WATCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a... |
THE PHONE MESSAGE | THE PHONE MESSAGE Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their commercial people -... |
THE SECRET CODE | THE SECRET CODE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit di... |
THE TRUTH | THE TRUTH Written by Elaine Pope & Larry Charles (Comedy club) Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round bla... |
THE SUSIE | THE SUSIE Written by David Mandel [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down the street at dusk.] KRAMER Look how dark it's gettin' already. JERRY Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet. KRAMER When does it start? JERRY [pause] I don't know, they just tell you the night before. KRAMER Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. [pulls ou... |
THE PEN | THE PEN Written by Larry David (Night club) JERRY I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want... |
MALE UNBONDING | MALE UNBONDING Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY Most men like working on things, tools, objects, fixing things. This is what men enjoy doing. Have you ever noticed a guy's out in his driveway working on something with tools, how all the other men in the neighborhood are magnetically drawn to th... |
THE CADILLAC PART 2 | THE CADILLAC PART 2 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry is trying, unsuccessfully, to sleep on the infamous fold-out. He twists and turns, but can't find a comfortable position. JERRY Ow. Stupid fold-out! Why'd they put the bar in the middle of the bed? Jerry continues to thrash a... |
THE INVITATIONS | THE INVITATIONS Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I think that if the wedding invitations were left up to the men, we'd just drive around sticking flyers in windshields ...y' know... Not even typed up either, just Magic Marker, Zerox, you know...Party!!.. What's needed is a divorce announcement; Mr and Mrs Fre... |
THE APOLOGY | THE APOLOGY Written by Jennifer Crittenden JERRY, Any second now. Light is on! Melissa, waffles are ready. MELISSA, Oh, fantastic! I'm starving. JERRY, How about that. MELISSA, Mmm-hmm. GEORGE She ate breakfast naked? JERRY She didn't even want a napkin. GEORGE I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom nake... |
THE SLICER | THE SLICER Written by Darin Henry, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Elaine wakes up in bed with Jerry.) ELAINE Hey. JERRY Morning. ELAINE Look, this is crazy, I can't go on like this. JERRY But why? ELAINE I need some space. (Elaine turns to the other side and there's George.) GEORGE Does that mean I have to go too? JERRY You... |
THE APARTMENT | THE APARTMENT Written by Peter Mehlman (Night club) JERRY Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the pain... |
THE GOOD SAMARITAN | THE GOOD SAMARITAN Written by Peter Mehlman (Jerry is driving alone talking on his car phone to Elaine at home in her bed) ELAINE You know it's bad enough you have a car phone, you have to use the speaker? JERRY It's safer! Plus it's more annoying to the other person. (Driver cuts in front of Jerry) JERRY Oh look at th... |
THE CADILLAC PART 1 | THE CADILLAC PART 1 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry's Apartment) Jerry enters, carrying a couple of bags and his mail. No sooner has he put his bags down than Kramer enters. KRAMER Hey! You're back! JERRY Oh, I'm back, baby. KRAMER Yeah, how was it? JERRY Great. One of the best jobs I ever had. KRAMER Go... |
THE WIG MASTER | THE WIG MASTER Written by Spike Feresten (Comedy club) JERRY I really like the wig historically. I guess the revolutionary war, the last war fought in wig, and it seems that it must have been hard. You know they're going in to battle, they think.. well do I have my bullets? Do I have my bobby pins.. and you got to make... |
THE FINALE PART 1 | THE FINALE PART 1 Written by Larry David (Monologue, on stage) JERRY It seems like whenever these office people call you in for a meeting, the whole thing is about the sitting down. I would really like to sit down with you. I think we need to sit down and talk. Why don't you come in, and we'll sit down. Well, sometimes... |
THE KEYS | THE KEYS Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) So, I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering - are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you're just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot'... |
THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1 | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 1 Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Comedy club) JERRY I love it when you get your car back from the car place, and it's got that paper mat on the floor. Like they're so obsessed with cleanliness, they don't even want their shoes to touch the carpet. Meanwhile, the mechanic comes out; he look... |
THE CHINESE RESTAURANT | THE CHINESE RESTAURANT Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY (A couple of days ago I used a public phone), go over time on the call, hang up the phone, walk away. You've had this happen? Phone rings. It's the phone company... they want more money. Don't you love this? And you got them right where ... |
THE PONY REMARK | THE PONY REMARK Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Night club) JERRY My parents live in Florida now. They moved there last year. They didn't want to move to Floriday, but they're in their sixties, and that's the law. You know how it works. They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's hou... |
THE DEALERSHIP | THE DEALERSHIP Written by Steve Koren (A car dealership) (Jerry and George are looking over some cars) GEORGE When are they gonna have the flying cars, already? JERRY Yeah, they have been promising that for a while.. GEORGE Years. When we were kids, they made it seem like it was right around the corner. JERRY I think E... |
THE JACKET | THE JACKET Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Night club) JERRY I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself. I think eventually fashion won't even exist. It won't. I think eventually we'll all be wearing t... |
THE HANDICAP SPOT | THE HANDICAP SPOT Written by Larry David (At the comedy club) JERRY I have a friend who is about to get married, they're having the bachelor party and the bridal shower on the same day... So it's conceivable that while she's getting the lingerie, he'd be at a nude bar watching a table dancer wearing the same outfit. Th... |
THE WIZARD | THE WIZARD Written by Steve Lookner GEORGE Keep it real! GEORGE Let's get nuts! China is an instant page-turner? JERRY It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm goin' to Florida for his birthday. GEORGE How much was it? JERRY Two hundred. But I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift. He gets ex... |
THE NOTE | THE NOTE Written by Larry David Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. "Oh, is he good?" "Oh, he's the best. This guy's the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone sayin... |
THE MASSEUSE | THE MASSEUSE Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) (Elaine's office and Jerry's apartment) (Elaine's on the phone with Jerry) JERRY No eight years isn't such a long streak. ELAINE It isn't? JERRY No I haven't vomited in thirteen years. ELAINE Get out! JERRY Not since June 29, 1980. ELAINE You remember the date? JERRY ... |
THE BUTTER SHAVE | THE BUTTER SHAVE Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & David Mandel Exterior of Monk's coffee shop. Cut to Jerry and George at their regular booth. A newspaper blocks out view of George's face. He lowers the paper to reveal... a moustache. GEORGE What is Holland? JERRY What do you mean, 'what is it?' It's a country rig... |
THE CHINESE WOMAN | THE CHINESE WOMAN Written by Peter Mehlman (The street) JERRY Good shave today.. ELAINE [wry/sarcastic] Don't worry, Jerry, I can manage these bags; really I'm fine. JERRY I'm thinkin' of lettin' my sideburns grow in a little.. ELAINE Can we rest here a second. JERRY [pause] Yeah, I guess. [She sits on the stairs of a ... |
THE MOVIE | THE MOVIE Written by Steve Skrovan, Bill Masters & John Hayman (Comedy club) JERRY What's with the age gap hiring policy at most movie theaters? Didja ever notice, they never hire anyone between the ages of fifteen... and eighty, you know what I mean? Like, the girl that sells you the ticket, she's ten. Then there's th... |
THE LETTER | THE LETTER Written by Larry David (Nina's art studio. Kramer is posing for Nina (Jerry's current girlfriend.) NINA (laughing) Kramer, would you hold still? I can't do this if you keep moving. KRAMER You sure you don't want me to take my clothes off? (beat) I'll do it! NINA No, that's the last thing in the world I want ... |
THE FINALE PART 2 | THE FINALE PART 2 Written by Larry David (The four are in prison, having a meal) KRAMER Mmmm, this is pretty good chow, huh? GEORGE Would it kill him to check up on us? No - drops off the meals and that's it. I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to catsup. ELAINE I guess we could've called for help. JERR... |
THE MAESTRO | THE MAESTRO Written by Larry David (Booth at Monk's Cafe) GEORGE And then I hear this rabbi on television, I mean imagine. ELAINE I'm really sorry George, I, I, I wasn't jealous of you. It was just the whole marriage thing. GEORGE Ya know, I was just a little surprised. JERRY Why would anyone eat canned fruit? I mean c... |
THE FIRE | THE FIRE Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) JERRY To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that t... |
THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2 | THE BOTTLE DEPOSIT PART 2 Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Outside Auto Shop) Jerry and Elaine are outside the autoshop. Jerry is on the payphone. JERRY Okay, thank you. (hangs up the phone) ELAINE So? What'd they say? JERRY They're sending a detective to my apartment tomorrow. ELAINE What the hell were you thinkin... |
THE ROBBERY | THE ROBBERY Written by Matt Goldman (Comedy club) JERRY So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me... the finger. It seems like such an... arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a fin... |
THE CAFE | THE CAFE Written by Tom Leopold (Comedy club) There's always that one location, one store location that's constantly changing hands. Everybody has this in their neighborhood, it's a leather store, it's a yogurt shop, it's a pet supply. It's constantly changing and nobody can do business there. It's like some sort of Be... |
THE SPONGE | THE SPONGE Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) JERRY I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that ... |
THE MARINE BIOLOGIST | THE MARINE BIOLOGIST Written by Ron Hauge & Charlie Rubin (Jerry's apartment, Jerry is at the table and Elaine is on the phone) ELAINE (to the phone) Well did he bring it up in the meeting? (Jerry picks up a yellow shirt and walks to Elaine) JERRY Elaine, see this T-shirts, six years I've had this T-shirts, it's my bes... |
THE DOG | THE DOG Written by Larry David (Comedy club) So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously ... |
THE OUTING | THE OUTING Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) JERRY I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not... |
THE TICKET | THE TICKET Written by Larry David (Jerry's apartment) (Enter Kramer with one pant leg on) JERRY Where the hell did I put this? KRAMER What are you looking for? JERRY The remote, the remote, I can't find the remote. Did I lost, I lost it. Did you take it? Did you put it some place? KRAMER No, no, no. (Jerry notices Kram... |
THE CHICKEN ROASTER | THE CHICKEN ROASTER Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Kenny Roger's Chicken Shack) George and Jerry are on the side of the street at a fruit stand GEORGE Why is there no haggling in this country? JERRY I guess we like to think we've progressed beyond a knife fight for a citrus drink. GEORGE Not me. Everything shoul... |
THE LIBRARY | THE LIBRARY Written by Larry Charles (JERRY'S APARTMENT) JERRY Let me speak with the head librarian. ... Because it's absurd. An overdue book from 1971? ... This is a joke right? What are you? From a radio station? KRAMER enters JERRY Ya' got me I fell for it. Alright, OK I can be down there in like a half hour. Bye. K... |
THE NAP | THE NAP Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Monk's) GEORGE Oh, boy I was up to four in the morning watching the Omen trilogy. JERRY That's good stuff. GEORGE I can't to myself. I'm exhausted. JERRY Can you grab a nap at work. GEORGE Not with that big glass window looking out into the hall. I'd love a good nap. That's ... |
THE BIZARRO JERRY | THE BIZARRO JERRY Written by David Mandel (JERRY and GEORGE are eating at an outdoor table, possibly in a zoo.) JERRY All right. How 'bout this one: let's say you're abducted by aliens. GEORGE Fine. JERRY They haul you aboard the mother ship, take you back to their planet as a curiosity. Now: would you rather be in the... |
THE SMELLY CAR | THE SMELLY CAR Written by Larry David & Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) JERRY ...And it *is* embarrassing, because a doggie bag means either you are out at a restaurant when you aren't hungry, or you've chosen the stupidest possible way to get dog food that there is. How about the doggie bag on a date? That's a good move f... |
THE CONVERSION | THE CONVERSION Written by Bruce Kirschbaum (Comedy club) JERRY You know doctor is supposed to be such a prestigious occupation. But it's really like one of the only jobs where you have to have your diploma right up there on the wall. It makes them seem so insecure, doesn't it? "I really am a doctor you know. You think ... |
THE PILOT PART 2 | THE PILOT PART 2 Written by Larry David (NBC, pilot's set) (Jerry, Tom, and Michael are at the counter, rehearsing. George is standing and watching them next to another guy. Rita, Jay, Stu and Russell are sitting in the crowd's bleachers) TOM What do you mean made up? JERRY It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's no... |
THE POSTPONEMENT | THE POSTPONEMENT Written by Larry David (Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street and Kramer is parking his car ) ELAINE Hey, good news. My dog problem has been solved. JERRY Really? What happened? ELAINE Well, there's this rabbi in my building. You've met him. Very nice man. JERRY Isn't he the one with the show on... |
THE BOYFRIEND PART 2 | THE BOYFRIEND PT 2 Written by Larry David & Larry Levin (New York State department of Labor) MRS. SOKOL Just sign here please. GEORGE I know who it was too. It was the guy who interviewed me. He was very threatened by me. Why else wouldn't he hire me? I could sell latex like that (snaps fingers). MRS. SOKOL Sign that. ... |
THE RED DOT | THE RED DOT Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I'm sorry it's gotta be a little bit of a scary place to work. I don't know how you feel about it. You want to be standing there having people comming in all day going "I need knives. I need more knives. Do you have any bigger knives? I'd like a bigger knife, a big... |
THE CHAPERONE | THE OPPOSITE Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan (Comedy club) JERRY It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucou... |
THE BURNING | THE BURNING Written by Jennifer Crittenden Elaine is getting ready to drive Puddy's car, he's giving her last minute instructions. PUDDY Alright, be careful with the car, babe. ELAINE Yeah, yeah. PUDDY And don't move the seat, I got it right where I like it. ELAINE Goodbye? PUDDY Two and ten, babe. ELAINE Okay. PUDDY D... |
THE DOODLE | THE DOODLE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They call themselves exterminators but they can't really do it. The best they can do is get the bugs to somebody else's house. They just relocate them , y'know what I mean, they're bug realtors is what they are. Ahmmmm.. I'll think you'll be happy here... |
THE RAINCOATS PART 1 | THE RAINCOATS PART 1 Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational Distance, don't you hate these people that talk to you they talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through... |
THE OPPOSITE | THE OPPOSITE Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Andy Cowan (Comedy club) JERRY It is pretty hard to justify, at this point in history, the existence of men and their handkerchiefs. I mean, they open it up, blow their nose in it, and then put it back in their pockets with their other valuables. Wallet, keys, mucou... |
THE GUM | THE GUM Written by Tom Gammill & Max Pross (Comedy club) JERRY (unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It's not a liquid, 's not a solid, 's not a food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. ... |
THE ENGLISH PATIENT | THE ENGLISH PATIENT Written by Steve Koren (Subway Train) Jerry and Elaine sit side by side on a subway train. They're both reading newspapers, when something occurs to Jerry. JERRY You know at the movies, they show that little ad for the concession stand? ELAINE Where the cartoon candy's dancing and the Milk Dud's pla... |
THE FACE PAINTER | THE FACE PAINTER Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY Monkeys are really the end of the line in the pet world. I think when you're at the monkey level of pet ownership, have a kid. I mean, come on, you know, I mean, you're *so* close. If you need a pet that can roller skate and smoke cigars, it's time to think ab... |
THE COUCH | THE COUCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY The love seat, that's a nice little item, there...I guess some guy thought, 'Well, if we can't get them to sit closer to us, why not just shorten the furniture?' My other favorite furniture brand is the La-Z-Boy. This is very flattering to the prospective customer, i... |
THE VISA | THE VISA Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) What are lawyers, really? To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has read the inside of the... |
THE PACKAGE | THE PACKAGE Written by Jennifer Crittenden (Elaine at the doctor's) ATTENDANT The doctor will be with you in a moment. (Elaine looking at her chart) ELAINE Difficult ? DOCTOR Elaine. You shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours. ELAINE Well it's , it's..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote i... |
THE HEART ATTACK | THE HEART ATTACK Written by Larry Charles (Night club) JERRY You know, I tell ya, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And, I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times I w... |
THE HOT TUB | THE HOT TUB Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Comedy club) JERRY I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics. How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking - How much did you lose by? I don't even know...! It was like...(very fast) now.now...now.now..now..was like, l... |
THE HAMPTONS | THE HAMPTONS Written by Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer (Comedy club) Look at the work people do to get to the ocean. They'll fight the traffic and the heat and the parking and the hot sand. Trying to get through the waves, and the ironic thing is the ocean doesn't even want us in there. That's what surfing is. Surfing is... |
THE PILOT PART 1 | THE PILOT PART 1 Written by Larry David (night club) JERRY To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is to have a s... |
THE BOYFRIEND PART 1 | THE BOYFRIEND PT 1 Written by Larry David & Larry Levin (Comedy club) To me, going to the health club, you see all these people and they're working out, and they're training and they're getting in shape but the strange thing is nobody is really getting in shape for anything. The only reason that you're getting in shape... |
THE COMEBACK | THE COMEBACK Written by Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin (Yankee Stadium, Conference Room) A group of staff, including George, are gathered round the table. There's a bunch of food on the table. Most people have a small plate with a few salad leaves on it in front of them. George is picking shrimp off a platter, dipping them i... |
THE MANGO | THE MANGO Written by Buck Dancer & Lawrence H. Levy (nightclub) JERRY A female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. A very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find you way back after you left. (Monk's) JERRY So, what's her name? GEORGE K... |
THE NON FAT YOGURT | THE NON-FAT YOGURT Written by Larry David JERRY I've always been a big fan of the little check move. You know. Unless the waiter's not too sharp, then you got to total it up. Sometimes they have to come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool a... |
THE RAINCOATS PART 2 | THE RAINCOATS PART 2 Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry's Apartment) (Morty and Jerry are sitting at his table; Kramer is standing next to Morty; Helen is getting the fold out sofa ready to sleep) KRAMER So how'd you come up with the idea for the belt-less trench coat? MORTY I came h... |
THE FIX UP | THE FIX-UP Written by Larry Charles & Elaine Pope (Comedy club) I tell ya, I never really understood the importance of the conductor. I mean between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing? Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out? I could see how we ... |
THE STRANDED | THE STRANDED Written by Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld & Matt Goldman (Comedy club) So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "Alright, alright, alr... |
THE PUERTO RICAN DAY | THE PUERTO RICAN DAY Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer, Jennifer Crittenden, Spike Feresten, Bruce Eric Kaplan, Steve Koren, David Mandel, Dan O'Keefe, Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin INT. JERRY'S CAR - DAY The gang drives along in Jerry's car with the top down. Elaine and Kramer sit in the back, George is shotgun, and Jerr... |
THE LIP READER | THE LIP READER Written by Carol Leifer (Comedy club) JERRY Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing. Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? Tennis is basically just ping-pong and the ... |
THE DEAL | THE DEAL Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY I've been watching women in the department stores. They're trying on clothes, and I've noticed that they do it differently from men. Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes, you see? They take a dress off the rack, and they hold it up against thems... |
THE PARKING SPACE | THE PARKING SPACE Written by Larry David & Greg Daniels (Comedy club) At parking lots now they have these 'compact car only' spots, isn't that discrimination against the size of your car? If I want my ass hanging out of the back of my parking spot, that's my business. There are people out there with real asses hanging ... |
THE STALL | THE STALL Written by Larry Charles (the bathroom) ELAINE what a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarrassing but.. there's no toilet paper over here JANE (from the stall on Elaine's right) are you talking to me? ELAINE yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some JANE... |
THE CALZONE | THE CALZONE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (George in a meeting at Yankee Stadium) GEORGE I believe the doors on the bathroom stalls, here at the stadium, don't offer much by way of privacy. But I was thinking if we extend the doors all the way to the floors... MR. STEINBRENNER All the way to the floor! What are ... |
THE STRIKE | THE STRIKE Written by Alec Berg, Jeff Schaffer & Dan O'Keefe (Tim Whatley's apartment) ELAINE So.. Whatley's still Jewish, huh? JERRY Oh, sure. Without the parents, it's a breeze. (Elaine laughs, Whatley enters) TIM Hey! Happy Chanukah! JERRY Hey, Tim. Great party. (Tim holds up a mistletoe) TIM (Suggesting a kiss to E... |
THE ALTERNATE SIDE | THE ALTERNATE SIDE Written by Larry David & Bill Masters (Comedy club) Seems to me the way they design the car alarm is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, anyone disturbs it, it's aaaaaahhhhhhh! Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everybody wants to ... |
THE VIRGIN | THE VIRGIN Written by Peter Mehlman (Jerry and George talking near a bar.) JERRY We're dead. GEORGE We're not dead. JERRY We are dead. GEORGE Come on. We got all day tomorrow to come up with a story. JERRY All day tomorrow? We had a month and a half to come up with something and we didn't do anything. GEORGE So we'll d... |
THE YADA YADA | THE YADA YADA Written by Peter Mehlman & Jill Franklyn (Jerry with George and his girlfriend Marcy at Monk's.) GEORGE So, Marcy, you should've seen me in the hot tub yoday. MARCY Why? GEORGE I was naked. MARCY Oh, George. JERRY I saw it. MARCY How'd he look? JERRY Okay. I wouldn't see it again. MARCY You know, a friend... |
THE RACE | THE RACE Written by Tom Gammill, Max Pross & Larry David (Comedy club) The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after it's just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows... |
THE FUSILLI JERRY | THE FUSILLI JERRY Written by Marjorie Gross (Jerry and Elaine are outside, heading towards the apartment building) JERRY I hear you're going out with David Putty. ELAINE Yeah. What, is it a problem? JERRY Well, I think he could've asked me. Supposed to be a friend of mine. ELAINE Well, I guess he figured you just would... |
THE TAPE | THE TAPE Written by Larry David, Bob Shaw & Don McEnery (Comedy club) JERRY ....hair that was on your shower soap today could be in your head tomorrow. How did they do the first transplant? Did they have the guy take a shower , get his soap , rush it in there by helicopter, you know keep the soap alive on the soap supp... |
THE ENGAGEMENT | THE ENGAGEMENT Written by Larry David (George's Apartment) GEORGE Well, you got no place to go. I'll tell you what your problem is: You brought your queen out too fast. What do you think? She's one of these feminists looking to get out of the house? No, the queen is old fashioned. . Likes to stay home. Cook. Take care ... |
THE MILLENNIUM | THE MILLENNIUM Written by Jennifer Crittenden (Putumayo) Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Elaine is examining some sort of footwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone. ELAINE Uh, excuse me. GLADYS Be with you in a minute. (turns her back to Elaine and continues into phone) No, you shoulda come l... |
THE EX GIRLFRIEND | THE EX-GIRLFRIEND Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly reevaluating their lane choice.. Never quite sure, "Is this the best lane for me? For my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you, "Can I get in over th... |
THE RYE | THE RYE Written by Carol Leifer ELAINE (thinking) I can't believe I'm going out with this guy. Wow! He's so cool. Maybe he'll write a song about me. That would be amazing. Oh, Elaine, you are so beautiful. So, so beautiful. Not so mention your personality which is so, so, interesting. If you want, you can quit your job... |
THE UNDERSTUDY | THE UNDERSTUDY Written by Marjorie Gross & Carol Leifer GENNICE (Crying) (sob sob) JERRY (To himself) Now what am I supposed to do here? Shall I go over there? It's not like somebody died. It's "Beaches" for god's sake. If she was sitting next to me I'd put my arm around her. I can't be making a big move like going all... |
THE PICK | THE PICK Written by Larry David (Jerry's Apartment) GEORGE I loved her Jerry, I loved her. JERRY No, you didn't. GEORGE And she loved me. Hoo, ho, she really did. JERRY No she didn't. GEORGE What am I going to do now? I can't live without Susan. I gotta get her back. How? How, am I gonna get her back? ELAINE (OC) Not o... |
THE WALLET | THE WALLET Written by Larry David (Comedy club) Don't you hate "to be continued" on TV. It's horrible when you sense the "to be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show. You're into the story. There's like five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it." Timmy's still stuck in the cav... |
THE PARKING GARAGE | THE PARKING GARAGE Written by Larry David INT. ESCALATOR - GOING DOWN TO A GARAGE. IN SINGLE FILE GEORGE, JERRY and ELAINE, WHO'S CARRYING A PLASTIC BAG WITH GOLDFISH, AND KRAMER WHO'S HAVING A ROUGH TIME WITH A LARGE, HEAVY BOX. GEORGE One left...what a joke. KRAMER You can have this one. GEORGE No, that's not enough ... |
THE MUFFIN TOPS | THE MUFFIN TOPS Written by Spike Feresten (Jerry and George walking down the street.) JERRY Hang on just let me pick up a paper. MAN Excuse me. Would you mind watching my bag for a minute? GEORGE Yeah. No problem. JERRY Let's go. GEORGE Woah, I gotta watch this guy's bag. JERRY For how long? GEORGE I'm sure he'll be ba... |
THE BLOOD | THE BLOOD Written by Dan O'Keefe (Jerry's Apartment, 5A. Morty and Helen are packing suitcases.) JERRY Are you sure you can't stay longer? MORTY No, we just came for the funeral. ` HELEN Poor Marvin Kessler, he went too early. JERRY He was 96 years old. MORTY That had nothing to do with it, the man was out of shape. HE... |
THE TRIP PART 2 | THE TRIP PART 2 Written by Larry Charles (Comedy club) There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it's not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don't know who they are, I guess they're peopl... |
THE IMPLANT | THE IMPLANT Written by Peter Mehlman (Comedy club) The cosmetic surgery procedures that are available to people today - liposuction, are you familiar with this? This is a fat-sucking machine. Now you know, somewhere, somebody is working on a way that this thing could go into a restaurant. And you could just order it of... |
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