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THE KISS HELLO | THE KISS HELLO Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) JERRY Now, I was thinking the other day about hair, and that the weird thing about it, is that people will touch other people's hair. You will actually kiss another human being, right on the head. But, if one of those hairs should somehow be able to g... |
THE BOOKSTORE | THE BOOKSTORE Written by Spike Feresten, Darin Henry & Mark Jaffe (Bookstore) (George and Jerry both enter a bookstore) GEORGE I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York. JERRY First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want, ... |
THE WATCH | THE WATCH Written by Larry David (Comedy club) JERRY It's an entire industry of bad gifts, aren't they? All those executive gifts, any stupid, goofy, brass, wood thing, they put a piece of green felt on the bottom. "It's a golf, desk, tie and stress organiser, dad." But to me, nothing compares with the paperweight as a... |
THE PHONE MESSAGE | THE PHONE MESSAGE Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Comedy club) The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their commercial people -... |
THE SECRET CODE | THE SECRET CODE Written by Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer (Comedy club) JERRY They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just, dit dit dit dit dit dit di... |
THE TRUTH | THE TRUTH Written by Elaine Pope & Larry Charles (Comedy club) Welcome everyone to the room...Ah, the extra button....yeah ... what kind of a sicko would save these ...have them in a huge file, drawers that wide (small fingers opening imaginary drawers) Where the hell is that ... I mean is it THAT hard to get round bla... |
THE SUSIE | THE SUSIE Written by David Mandel [JERRY and KRAMER are walking down the street at dusk.] KRAMER Look how dark it's gettin' already. JERRY Well, it's not Daylight Savings Time yet. KRAMER When does it start? JERRY [pause] I don't know, they just tell you the night before. KRAMER Uh. Well, I'm sick o' waiting. [pulls ou... |
THE PEN | THE PEN Written by Larry David (Night club) JERRY I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits, but my father has bathing suits from other centuries. My parents live in Florida, and if you go down there and you forget your bathing suits then they want... |
MALE UNBONDING | "MALE UNBONDING Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Nightclub) JERRY Most men like working on t(...TRUNCATED) |
THE CADILLAC PART 2 | "THE CADILLAC PART 2 Written by Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld (Morty and Helen's, Florida) Jerry is t(...TRUNCATED) |
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