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I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much... ...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.
Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive? Attempted murder. There was probable caws.
Illinois has corn, Wisconsin has cheese, what does Michigan have? Lead poisoning.
A neutron was pulled over by a cop There were no charges
Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19. He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity." The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quiet...
What did the lovebirds eat in quarantine when their plans for Las Vegas were canceled? Cantaloupe.
So a couple of Canadians were sitting around with their Tim Horton’s and maple cream cookies, when one of them said, “Hey, who’s that American girl to our west?” And the other one said, “I don’t know, ‘I‘ll-ask-ha’” This is joke #2 in my country-themed lineup. Next country in the spotlight will be Japan.
My ex has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh... I shit you not, when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.
What's the coronavirus' favorite song? Jump, Jump
you know whats the worst sub reddit this one
Little Boy A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teac...
I’ve always wanted to have Parkinson’s Just to shake thing up a bit
today moron of the fourth month
Good morning! Coronavirus was just a bad dream! Happy April Flus
Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled April Fool's
I know I've never been all that attractive But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague
What did the doe (female deer) say as she was coming out of the woods? I'll never do that for two bucks again
Want to hear a dirty joke? Pig fell in the mud
Made this one up a couple months ago walking my daughter home from school after a snow day... My daughter and her friend were telling me that they were building a chair out of snow at recess and it inspired this gem of a dad joke. If a chair made of snow is a snair, And a table made of snow is a snable, What is a hous...
Game Warden Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” “We don’t have any,” replied the first blonde. “Well, if you’re going to fis...
April Fool's day has been cancelled due to coronavirus. Everything you'll hear is true.
My son is such a miserable c*nt Bought him a brand new trampoline for christmas and all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Teddy Roosevelt: what should we name the president's house? **guy who named the blueberry:** what colour is it?
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... “You herd me.”
A man carefully looking through his marriage certificate His wife asked: What are you looking for? Man answered: Searched through this for 3 hours and found no GODDAMN Expiration date!!!
I wonder what was the last thing to go through the Donner Party’s minds I guess a fork
My wife said she thinks she saw people with blue-colored skin I told her "It's just a pigment of your imagination"
Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework? Only a Sith deals in absolutes
Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces? So you know that it's time to change the channel.
Not a day goes by I dont thank the universe for coming out with a dick between my legs. I dont even care it's small I'd take anything.
3 Engineers 3 Engineers are discussing God and the human body. The first Engineer says God has to be an Electrical Engineer, who else could wire up such a complicated system? The second Engineer says God has to be a Structural Engineer, who else could build such a strong and sturdy frame? The third Engineer says yo...
I asked a grocery store worker where I could find cakes, pastries and Twinkies and the like and he took me over to the right place, telling me this is the proper spot but then left me before I could find what I was looking for and I couldn't leave until I found it. So, yes, I was stranded on a desserted aisle.
If Chick-Fil-A made a porno It would be everyone's pleasure
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
The end is neigh bors
A little old lady sold pretzels on the corner for fifty cents each A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel. This went o...
My favourite type of woman would be a single mom... once I am done with her.
They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink? Put it in a blender
I asked my sister how her blind date went "Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.
Why does Doctor Pepper come in a can? His wife died
This is a total laughable joke and will be over in 2-3 weeks I’m referring to my marriage
My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb needs to want to truly change.
A man is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs... The female cashier says, “Wow, you must be single!” The man answers, “Yes, actually I am. How on earth did you know that?” Cashier: “Because you’re ugly.”
I just visited this sub to see all the april fools jokes. Only to find out I'm one myself.
Due to coronavirus, an all nude strip club owner put out a sign at the entrance of notifying customers of halted business operations “Clothed for business”
An interviewer asked a interviewee... Where were you born? I was born in India which part? what do you mean which part, my whole body was born in India! ​ needless to say, he didn't get the job
I used to know an English professor who was pretty smart with books.... But she was dumb when it came to regular shit. She didn't even know that rain was something you need to come in to from out of. ​ EDIT: IOW she didn't like sentences that ended in five prepositions.
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day ! Yesterday he brought a dog along
Testing trouble. Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions....
April Fool’s Day has been POSTPONED. I’ll tell you the new date tomorrow.
Starting Salary. ,Reaching the end of a job interview, the interviewer asked a young engineer, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks va...
Appendage Jokes (Lend Me Your Ear) Q: Where do pirates get their hooks? A: The Second Hand Store Q: Why isn't there a Second Foot Store? A: The employees protested with a walkout.
British people be like “I’m bri ish” Because they drank the t
Ancient Greeks invented sex And Romans made it fun by adding women into it..... Until the British came...eh...arrived.
Pickup line when trying to seduce the widow at a funeral Approach her and say "Aww why the long face?"
A guy was walking home at night. When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and ...
I've washed my hands so many times today hand sanitizer burns like holy water,
Two Parrots. Two parrots sat on a perch. One parrot looked at the other and said "Do you smell fish?" The other parrot replied "Oh my, a talking bird." *edit: spelling*
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Ukranian man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the suga...
I hope to live to see the day when I can have a conversation with my granddaughter and have her look at me with her big eyes and ask: "Grandpa? What was social freedom like?" In my head I'm thinking: Well, you had a bunch of movie stars, entertainment moguls and catholic priests going around and touching people in the ...
Why should China have a baseball team? Because they can take out the whole world with just one bat!
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god d...
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies? Twobearculosis.
Evening, husband sits on the sofa Suddenly, a balcony door opens, and wife’s lover jumps in. He greets the husband and heads to the bedroom. In the morning he goes out and tells husband: “Your wife was kinda cold tonight” “Well when she was alive she wasn’t that hot ether.”
Why is every gender equality officer female? Because it's cheaper.
I told my wife to flatten her curves Now we are socially distanced
What was Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s name when he was still a baby? Neil DeSeed Tyson
If batman had a stutter "Who are you?" "I am B-B-Batman
It’s morning, a woman and three men are laying in one bed. A woman pulls out a cigarette and all three men light up their lighters for her. She smokes a bit and says: “Jesus, if my mom finds out I am smoking...”
Boris Johnson is the proof That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians
My boxing student quit so I think I’m going to replace her with my stylist. I remember that she said she was proud of her bob and weave.
A man goes to the point between hell and heaven after death, (I am a straight ally, and this is a joke, thank you very much :)) the receptionist goes, "hmmm, so, you liked bdsm, you were a submissive masochist, gay too" she calls god god sends him to hell with the devil jesus asks god, "why did you send him to hell" g...
What did the cool kale say to the weird broccoli? Stop kaling my vibe.
What does the cross between a narcissist and cheese say? I am the GRATEST!!
The Anthropology Project Bill and Heather, two grad students (and an item), were in the basement of the univ. library, doing research among old, non-digitized versions of National Geographic. Heather came across an article about an African tribe that practiced body mod. Specifically, they hung weights on their men's c...
A man went to the doctor and told him, "Every night for the past month and a half, I have dreams in which I have wrestling matches with donkeys." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Take these, and your dreams will go away." "Can I start taking them tomorrow?" the man asked. "Why?" the doctor inquired. "Becaus...
My girlfriend and I are practicing social distancing Or as she calls it breaking up with me
The E in the alphabet used to be after P but the E said N-O-P-E
Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine? Because it was a naan-Essential business.
Why was Heisenberg a poor lover? When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.
Why were the doctors laughing at an xray of a leg Because it was fun knee
A priest and a rabbi are attending a boxing match And the rabbi says to the priest "I notice that boxer making a motion on his chest like an X or a cross. What does that mean?" And the priest said "Not a damn thing if the man can't fight." yeah I ripped it off from Flight of the Phoenix the 2004 movie.
Jim moves to a small village for a new job... ... And the village has no women - only men and animals. Jim asks a villager, "There are no women? How do you live without sex?" The villager points to a horse and says, "Oh, we just use that horse over there." Jim, now absolutely revolted, walks away in disgust. He thin...
There are two types of people: People who can extrapolate missing data from what they’re given
2020 so bad Epstein’s even considering killing himself
Visiting Canada... An American from Michigan is visiting Canada. He stops to see his sister in Toronto, then flies out west to Calgary. He is quite taken with the Canadian Rockies, the friendliness of the Canadian people, and the over all wonderful attitude. He decides he wants to write a letter back to his sister in ...
The peculiar tale of Hyman Goldfarb During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it do...
I’m starting a tin recycling factory And I’m calling it Can Abyss
Why was the man arrested for pretending to be a sick bird? He was participating in ill-eagle activity
It's at times like these... I'm glad I have a 6 foot dick.
In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one. Just treat it like it's any other day. ​ Have fun!
If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Then you have a slow internet.
welshman with insomnia a welshman with insomnia cannot sleep one night, so he calls up his friend, who tells him to count sheep, and that he's going to sleep. the welshman tries that and calls the friend again in the morning, 'well you didn't fix my insomnia but you sure fixed my erectile dysfunction'
What's so funny about a stupid bull? It's an oxymoron.
The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing... ...well except at funeral.
Italians are always adding -a to words. (It's-a me, Mario!) I find it to be a horrible corruption of the English language. I say pizz and past, like a _real_ American. Edit: wording
What do you call a skin condition that isn’t pleasant to look at? Not a sight for psoriasis
Two Amish women are digging potatoes in a field. The first turns to the other, hefts two large taters and says "These potatoes remind me of my Jacob". The second replies "They're that big?" "No", the first says. "They're that dirty."
Have you heard what happen to Mike Tyson's strip club? Do to covid-19 they're clothed till further notice.