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jokes

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Screw you grandpa “You can’t go outside anymore, grandpa, you’ll scare people,” I said “ it’s too risky.” “I know that anon, we all need to do our part to stop corona.” He replied “Yes” I thought smugly, “also that.”
If you re bored during lock down try finally learning the difference between your and you're. Their, I finally said it.
A mother Galapagos Finch has two chicks. One day, she is resting in her nest with the youngest of her two chicks when her son says to her, “Mom, why does my brother’s beak look so much different than mine?” “I was always worried you’d ask about that eventually,” replied the mother. “I might as well settle this now. Wh...
What do you call two ants who have a baby together? Pair ants
A scared builder is the best builder 'Cuz he be shitting bricks.
I hope that someone will invent a shrinking device during the lockout Because my liver will definitely need one when it’s over.
When watching movies... I tend to hold my breath to see how long I can go while the hero is underwater.. I almost died during “Finding Nemo”.
What do you call a group of Jewish rabbits? Rabbi
Went to the store for toilet paper The isle was wiped
I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Surprising horse A couple from London, John, Sarah and their 6 year old son Jimmy, win £8 million on the lottery and they decide to fulfill their lifelong dream - to quit the rat race and buy a farm with animals in the countryside. They eventually find the property of their dreams and make arrangements to buy it, alo...
Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full" I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Why do anti-masker kids never say mom or dad? Because they are orphaned.
Religion in a nutshell. A ship, sailing past a small island spots a man who'd been stranded there for several years. The captain goes ashore to rescue the man and notices 3 huts. "What's the first hut?" He asks. "Oh, that's my home." The man answers. "What's the second hut?" The captain asks. "Oh, that's my church....
Chinese medicine The Brit expat couple had great jobs in Hong Kong, but after at time the man noted a problem. His wife seemed less interested in having sex with him. He went to see an ancient Chinese man, a practitioner of Confucian holistic medicine. "So simple," the sage said. "Rule of nine. Make move nine time...
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates It doesn't last long for fat people
What do you call somebody with nobody and no nose. Nobody nose.
Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negative numbers? He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
Social distancing isn't hard... Just ask my dad... Have you seen him?
What do you call an older woman that dislikes the idea of monogamy? Polyester.
I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused. They said, “If your tent gets blown off, you’re no longer covered.”
Trying new things, decided to try to smoke a fish this weekend... Just couldn't figure out which end to light!
Don't Lie to Your Mom **Could have been posted before**, however here it goes... ​ Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must b...
In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid Until they see the gun anyway
Did you hear about the amputated pirate who sailed the seas alone He single handedly defeated entire ships!
Order 66 forced many Jedi to find new jobs in hiding. I hear one working the streets is Obi-Wan Can-blow-me
Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub. [NSFW]
Animal joke A snail and a goat fall in love and the goat says : i love you honey , you are the best ... And the snail says: you just want to live in my house
money is not the most important thing in the world Love is. fortunately, i love money.
The British Minister for Agriculture was entertaining a leading American agronomist. Looking over the production figures from the USA, the Minister was moved to comment: "Your tomato harvest is immense. What on earth do you do with so many tomatos?". The American smiled broadly and answered "Well, sir, we eat what we c...
Latest newspaper headline: Kids make great snacks for teachers!
Do you know why keyboard never sleeps? Because they have 2 shifts.
My grandmother ate spaghetti everyday Until she pasta-way
Still in disbelief over this covid19 situation ... Want to rub my eyes and wake up, but afraid to touch my face.
The lying lion A rat and lion walked into a bar. The lion says that he is the king of the jungle. The rat says,”your lyin’” then the lion replies, did you forget, I am Lion!
As of today, I am cancer free!!! (I never had cancer, just wanted to announce I'm cancer free)
Why did everyone stare at the rich guys plane? It was a Leerjet
Why isn't there a lot of coronavirus jokes on this sub? They are all locked down on quaratine.
An alien visit...long So a couple was playing cards one night when a spaceship landed in their yard. The aliens ended up knocking on the door so the humans let them inside. The aliens explained they were just visiting earth to see how an average earthly couple lived. They began playing cards and drinking, having a good...
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him: "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100.” The American diplomats go i...
What's the difference between Carol Baskins and the Chinese? Carol Baskins feeds PEOPLE to CATS.
What is the German term for food shortages? Wurst Käse Scenario.
What do you call a black man and a Chinese man stuck in traffic? Rush hour
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust Pussy isn't pizza, dont eat the crust Herpilations 4:20
The golden rule of having sex with twins You can't come between them
Did you know the Canary Islands have no canaries? Same with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.
There are three types of people in this world The people who can count And the people who can’t
If you are looking for alphabet jokes, the joke is on U.
do you know how they lined up the snobby prisoners? they did it in con-descending order
Joke in poor taste? Toned, tan, fit and ready. We're staying in because covid19 is getting heavy.
Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac They always take things literally
The guilt from stealing and eating a whole peach is getting to me It's like theres a pit in my stomach
What’s the difference between pimping and public school? Pimping ain’t easy.
I hate people that say age is just a number Age is clearly a word
What did the unfussy galley slave say? Either or.
What do you call a 6-sided die on which all of the sides are either marked 0 or 1? A boolean cube.
The "teen" years of the 21st century didn’t end in 2019 like they were supposed to Twenty-Thir TEEN Twenty-Four TEEN Twenty-Fif TEEN Twenty-Six TEEN Twenty-Seven TEEN Twenty-Eight TEEN Twenty-Nine TEEN Quar-an TEEN
Self development man: u're a unit of power I'm a watt?
The police doesn't even care that I carry a corpse in my car That's the funny thing about being a hearse driver
Santa Claus came early this year. I didn't even climax yet.
A child asked his dad," how are coins made". The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
What’s a kiss after a blowjob? Cash back
Blind man and a pigeon So a blind man is walking down a street and a pigeon spots him. The pigeon says to himself "Ima get him gooooood". So, the pigeon prepares himself, and dives head first down to the blind man and drops his s*#t. The blind man just does swish, swoosh, and avoids shat. Now, this irritated the pigeo...
Before Coronavirus I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.
"Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?" "Because your mom loves Roses." "Thanks Dad." "No problem, John."
Everyone is complaining about bailing out the airlines, I think it was a great idea! How else are we gonna get to all these funerals we’re about to have?
I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she'd ever been with. She said yes, all the others were at least sevens or eights.
What did the boss say to the chemist when a problem arised? Well, if you don't have a solution, be ready for a suspension.
Why isn't Baseball a great sport in China? \-they keep on eating the bats
Despite ruling with an iron fist, Castro was a sub in the bedroom. Not many know this, but the communist dictator of Cuba had a secret gay lover. Unlike Castro, this boyfriend was outspokenly atheist. Fucking infidel.
" I'm on tinder just to see how tinder actually works" , said a girl to me I was like, yeah like i visit pornhub just to see whether the plumber was able to fix the pipe or not
A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon. He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender. At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar. Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks ...
April showers bring May flowers. What do Mayflowers bring? Smallpox.
What notes does a perverts doorbell play? A, C and E
My Wife is missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home... ​ Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? ​ Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. ​ Sergeant: Weight? ​ Husband: Don't know. Not slim, no...
Experts say that N95 respirators won't protect you from contracting the corona virus... ...they only mask the symptoms.
What did the water particle say to the other water particle as it floated off into the air? You’ll be mist.
A man with a COVID-19 walks into the bar ...and is told to leave. [edit]: I'm gonna go offline for 14 days for hating myself.
Because of the lockdown, the people from the morgue didn’t come to prison today So the death row inmates were left hanging.
How do you intrigue an idiot? Just like this.
I hate bikes without kickstands I can’t stand them!
What would people say if two social media sites had sex? Reddit, do your thing.
What do you get when you cross a golfer and a plumber? A putt crack.
I got sent to a diversity workshop, when asked what diversity meant to me I replied, to me diversity means a lot of different things
I just told my best mate how much i love Beyonce. She said 'whatever floats your boat'. So I said no, that's buoyancy.
a blind man walks into a restaurant A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.” A l...
You know, I don't get this Coronavirus... Must be an inside joke.
How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
What's the difference between a good haircut and a bad haircut? One week.
i prefer decimals over fractions fractions are just pointless
Why Germany has not so much CoViD cases ? Because watching Angela every day helps flatten the curve.
People that celebrate April fools are... April ~~dumb people~~ idiot heads. Owned. Edit: punch line
What do programmers eat for breakfast? Nothing much, just a byte.
Or open the window If you want to BREATHE fresh air, just hang out.
Best Hookers name of 2020???? 'Le'Flatten'dHer'Curva' Shoot me later..
How do you grab the attention of a nerd? A spoiler tag.
How do you know if somebody is curious? >!if they clicked this to find out how to know that somebody is curious!<
Knock knock. Who's there? Yes, and we're here to make sure you're staying at home and washing your hands.
Coronavirus said Go Big or Go Home So I did both; went home and put on 20 pounds.
The moment Donald Trump found out that Covid 19 was caused by bats, he immediately started consulting experts. His first call was to Alex Rodriguez.