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5 years ago, I went to an important job interview At the end of the interview, he asked "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
"Probably sitting at home all day playing video games." I told him.
Needless to say, I did not get the job but hey, look where we are now! | 500 |
You know who reddit is for Smart people who ain't pretty enough for insta | 501 |
A teacher asked the class A teacher asked the class of first graders for the ones which was idiots to stand up.
After a short while 1 of the students stood up, then the teacher asked him
"Do you think you're an idiot?"
the student then responded
"No, I just felt bad that you had to stand alone" | 502 |
Three prisoners are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for pepperoni pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a filet mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captor... | 503 |
I got arrested recently. I was trying to make the cop laugh because I was stressed out man, but he wouldn't crack. I might've gotten on his nerves since he told me off. It was straight and to the point "This is not a joke" | 504 |
Why does Goofy like oysters? He likes to a shuck a shuck! | 505 |
What does a gay couple do in a boxing ring? They trade blows. | 506 |
So there was this man who wanted to be a train conductor (Long) So he works really hard at it and one day his dream came true. He was driving his train one day when he got distracted and he crashed killing one passenger. In his country the punishment for this is the electric chair. So they strap him up and then asked i... | 507 |
In life you will only meet two types of people... The ones who are smart successful n have a life....
And then there is you! | 508 |
what do woman do when they want to get themselves off? they jill off | 509 |
How do you call a smart person in the US? A tourist | 510 |
A knight, a pilgrim and a chicken walk into a bar Unfortunately, the bartender had died of a heart attack that morning, so none of them got served!
(I stole this joke from fable 3) | 511 |
What do you call a genie who is paid to tell jokes? A comi-Djinn. | 512 |
What's the biggest difference between Communism and Capitalism? Capitalism uses common sense
Communism uses common cents | 513 |
British people are like: “I’m Bri ish” ...and here’s the t☕️ | 514 |
Cool baby be like Imma pop deez waterz
*baby drop* | 515 |
What would Doug Funnie’s dogs name be if the cartoon was Swedish? Bjorkchop | 516 |
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did the same tricks over and over. The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the s... | 517 |
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door... It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."
I opened the door.
The light came on.
The beer was cold.
Just what in the hell did she mean? | 518 |
I convinced my crush to get into a relationship in these times of desperation She got together with her crush | 519 |
As a crowded airliner is about to take off As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the s... | 520 |
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”
The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost." | 521 |
R.Kelly has tested positive.. for SHEWASNT-19 | 522 |
What is spousal distancing? Keeping 6 inches between you and your wife. | 523 |
8 bought some Harry Potter DVDs the other day They were 3 quidditch | 524 |
UK has successfully made a working vaccine for the COVID-19 also known as Corona Virus that from the blood of Boris Johnson. April Fools! | 525 |
On a scale of 1 to 10, how well are you feeling? Where 10 is spending a cozy vacation day at home,
and 1 is witnessing the zombie outbreak starting from the front row? | 526 |
I dated every woman I met Every single one of them. | 527 |
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on. The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste." She rides him. The 2nd nurse does the same. The 3rd nurse hesitates and explains that she is on her period but rides him anyway. Then the man sits up and the nurses apologies saying they thought he wa... | 528 |
A frog goes into a bank A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger... | 529 |
How do you know these jokes are so good? They keep dying. | 530 |
My wife and I got into an argument because I called her a prostitute My wife shouted: Are you kidding me? Do I have any meaning to you? What am I worth?!!?
And I replied:
120 dollars an hour | 532 |
I've just got back from Tesco... I've just got back from Tesco and I've seen a guy buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella’s and three sombreros and I thought to myself...
...Hispanic buying | 533 |
Who is Goofy's favorite actress ? Selma Hyuck | 534 |
I was going to tell a gay joke... But I couldn’t keep a straight face | 535 |
Why did the girl drop her ice cream?
She got hit by an 18 wheeler | 536 |
The dead and buried are better at social distancing than anyone alive. They’re ALWAYS six feet away from people! | 537 |
I played chess with the waiter, however won paid the bill In my final move i said, check mate. | 538 |
When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them. Social diss dancing. | 539 |
My son is beginning to truly understand the concept of love. He recently asked me, "Papa, do you love me"? I answered back with, "Do you want the short answer or the long answer, because the short answer is yes". My son then asked, "Well what's the long answer"? To which I replied, "Indubitably". | 540 |
A drunk man sits on a bench when a woman walks by. He says: “You’re fucking ugly”
She replied: “And you’re very drunk and rude”
Him: “that’s possible but i’ll be sober tommorow and you’ll still be ugly” | 541 |
well........ **Q: How do you weigh a millennial?**
**A: In Instagrams.** | 542 |
Senior Sex Senior Sex --
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll a... | 543 |
A redditor, a 4channer and a youtube commenter walk into a bar... The redditor sits on the stool, all by himself.
The 4channer immediately goes to the toilet, to dump a massive shit on the sink.
The youtube commenter groans, 'couldn't you at least warn me it was diarrhea?'. | 544 |
A symptom of Covid-19 is losing your sense of taste According to my wardrobe I've had it for years! | 545 |
Where do poor Italians live? In the spagetto | 546 |
There are two types of people in this world
Avoid both! | 547 |
Somebody knocked my glasses off and the lenses cracked in a hundred places. I put them back on and... All I could do was give them a puzzled look. | 548 |
Guess who got 37 messages from their ex this morning.... My ex | 549 |
A horse is watching the music channel, He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says ... | 550 |
Hi everyone just be careful out their Please Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she p... | 551 |
Never trust atoms They make up everything | 552 |
Donald Trump was flying on a plane next to a little girl... ...Donald was bored so he asks the girl:
-Do you want to talk about politics, global warming or Corona virus?
The girl looks at him and say:
-Okay but first I want to ask you one question.
-Fine. It's probably gonna be easy.
-Okay. So horse, cow and d... | 553 |
Hi, Im William and Im so grateful god gave me two eyes Without them I'd be just Wllam | 554 |
How do I look in this dress With your eyes | 555 |
I wasn't sure if I should post this here, because it's only funny under certain circumstances certain circumstances
funny | 556 |
I'm really good at sleeping SCOUT: Mom, I’m really good at sleeping.
MOM: Oh, really?
SCOUT: Yes. I can do it with my eyes closed. | 557 |
As cinemas reopen in China millions rush to see Man and Robin | 558 |
My friends told me to stop making jokes in reference to girls. Thats what she said | 559 |
The young couple next door are making sex videos during the lockdown They just don't know it though... | 560 |
They say that pineapple juice makes your semen taste better. I think it’s the other way round. | 561 |
This social distancing is going too far. I just went to make a cake and the first line on the packet said separate 2 eggs 🥚<-->🥚 | 562 |
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st? They just went through a grueling 31 day March. | 563 |
For breakfast I covered my Dad in chocolate then ate him. I love coco pops.
^(a 'double dad' joke) | 564 |
What is the worst combination of two sicknesses? Diarrhea and Alzheimer. You’re running, but you don’t know where. | 565 |
Depressed Dolphin What did the dolphin say without his anti-depressants?
I have no porpoise in life. | 566 |
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?'
She thought for a time and then asked 'Is it on or
off?' | 567 |
A man visits a Doctor He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"
Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
isolation"
"But sir, I had kissed her"
"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"
"But then I kissed my wife too"
"You crazy bitch, now I also have to go i... | 568 |
My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning of... | 569 |
Jesus and Moses Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long hair and fl... | 570 |
the grim reaper comes in with a sythe grim reaper: do you have a death wish?
me:uhh yes
grim reaper:
me:
reaper:
me: | 571 |
One of the students requested his teacher that he wanted to talk to him after class
Teacher: - "What do you want to talk about?"
Student: - "I think I'm intelligent enough and I should be in a higher class. Can you send me to a higher class?"
The teacher delivered her request to the school director, and the direc... | 572 |
They did a study comparing the brains of 17 people with depression and the brains of 18 healthy people They discovered that on average, the depressed group had one brain less. | 573 |
Why dont Chinese play Baseball?
Because they will eat the bat | 574 |
Technically we're all Jokers Cause we're all getting fucked over by a bat man. | 575 |
A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company. They have branches everywhere these days. | 576 |
I've found something a thousand times better than Instagram Instakilogram | 577 |
What’s the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care. | 578 |
As soon as this Corona thing settles a bit I'm just gonna stay home for a few days. | 579 |
Did you hear the one about the airplane? Never mind, it’s over your head. | 580 |
What is Mexican's least favorite store? Walmart | 581 |
Why do dogs pee in your house? Because you don't take them out enough. | 582 |
I was reading a joke and realized it was really an ad. And it may be located just below or just above.
at least it's original | 583 |
Parrot It's a woman and it's her birthday, so she decides to go out and buy herself a parrot. She goes to a lot of stores, but she can't find one. Disappointed, she decides to go home. Finally, she sees a pet store where she hasn't been yet so she goes to see if she can find a parrot there. She goes to see the salesman... | 584 |
KNOCK KNOCK Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! | 585 |
What d'you call a slightly damp rabbi at breakfast? morning dew | 586 |
Engineers take a bow! During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation o... | 587 |
How do you grab the attention of a pervert? An NSFW tag | 588 |
I feel famous This entire subreddit is about me. | 589 |
I met a famous French impressionist once but I can't remember who it was. He must have not made much of an impression. | 590 |
Why can't China play baseball? Because they will eat the Bat. | 591 |
There is this girl who is really into anime that I asked out... Upon seeing her, she took my breath away. I couldn't even close my mouth. Then she said: "Sowwy, I have cowona viwus". Then I fucking died. | 592 |
In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iran. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job. | 593 |
My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume. What a silly old bugger. | 594 |
Why every brit says "I'm brii iish"? I thought they liked t. | 595 |
It was never my intention to be a porn star Something just came over me. | 596 |
The Logician Husband A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados." | 597 |
The titanic was a good cruise ship and all... But it's luxury only scratched the tip of the iceberg
I don't need upvotes I need a thank you | 598 |
2 smokers are out on a cruise on a boat. They realise they are stuck in the middle of the sea without a lighter.
Smoker 1: What are we gonna do?
Smoker 2 proposes a solution, “I will throw one cigarette out of the boat into the water.”
Smoker 1 is confused, and smoker 2 tells him to observe. He throws a cigarette ou... | 599 |
I got a bike for my girlfriend Best trade i have ever made. | 600 |
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