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How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain? Soy Bean | 701 |
A guy is on a video conference with headquarters talking about the formal companywide quarantine coming ip in two days. The CEO asks everyone, "would you rather A.) Be quarantined at home with your spouse and kids? Or" before he can continue........ BBBBBBBBBBBBBB BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! | 702 |
A Russian man is walking along a road minding his own business when he finds a bottle on the ground. He picks it up, opens it, and a genie appears. The genie says, "Thank you so much for letting me out! I feel I should do something for you, too. Would you like to become a Hero of the Soviet Union?"
The guy says: "Yes, sure!" Next thing he knows, he finds himself on a battlefield with four grenades, alone against six German panzers. | 703 |
The jail guard, Tosis, kept asking me if there was anything he could bring to my cell to keep me from killing myself... So I replied, "A pop, Tosis" | 704 |
An 8yo child and their parents walk out of a store... The child see’s a car in the back of the parking lot bouncing up and down. Out of curiosity he runs over to the car and hears a man day “damn she had nice buns”. The child asks “what buns”? And the man replies “the hamburger buns”. So the hungry boy goes in line for the car and another man in line says “how to you do it so young?” And the boy replies by saying “easy! You grab the buns and dig in”! | 705 |
People always say don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.. I don’t know, I always thought the person with the knife has the edge. | 706 |
How can you know when a fly farted... Il flies in a straight line for a few seconds | 707 |
What did Xi Jinping say to stop the spread of coronavirus? "No ming ling!" | 708 |
I gently slid her panties to the left... So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer | 709 |
What is the acronym for the world health alliance team That’s not a question | 710 |
What does the starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? they both circle Ur-Anus looking for Kling-Ons! | 711 |
Last time I got a piece of ass was hen my finger went through the toilet paper. | 712 |
4 gays walk into a bar The gays walk into the bar and they’re having a good time, when all of a sudden they get tired from standing around and drinking all the time. One of the dudes goes “man I’m so tired of standing around I kinda wanna seat” another one goes “yeah me too I could sure use one”. The third friend manages to find an empty barstool and says “score” as he proceeds to flip it upside down. | 713 |
How are women like swimming pools? They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them | 714 |
What do women and grenades have in common? Take the ring off and the house is gone | 715 |
An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year. iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!!
Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag?
iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me. | 716 |
Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves today was the tip of the iceberg | 717 |
Probably not funny but here goes A Chinese boy comes home with test results, the test is out of 100 and he got 25. He showed his Dad and he said to him,
You Dim Son | 718 |
Something from my gma today: I'm never wrong, I thought I was once, but it turns out I was mistaken. | 719 |
What's grosser than gross? Eating a bowl of cornflakes
What's grosser than that?
Finding out your brother lost his scab collection | 720 |
Doctor: Your dad is not with us anymore. Me: Oh No. Oh My God.
Doctor: He is at a different hospital.
Me: Oh, Thank God.
Doctor: But he is dead though. | 721 |
[NSFW] This happened to someone I know A real hot woman was alone at home as her husband was at work and her daughter was at school.
She wanted to drink coffee but there was no milk. So she then took out a vessel, went to her bedroom and removed her clothes.
Then she wore a better set of clothes and went to the dairy to get some milk. | 722 |
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep... ...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly. | 723 |
Does anyone know? If we can shower yet, or just keep washing our hands? | 724 |
It's easy to tell that I'm stable... ...there's a horse sticking out of my butt | 725 |
My dad was annoyed that the movie we were watching had a male lead... "Honestly, you're the worst type of feminist." I told him, a little frustrated.
"No, I'm the best kind," He replied, "A man!" | 726 |
A fat man went to the doctor He said, "Doctor, I think I might be anorexic."
The Doctor says, "Why's that?"
The fat man says, "Whenever I look in the mirror, I see a fat person." | 727 |
What does a cactus say when greeting its friends? saguaro you doing? | 728 |
A black man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder The bartender says oh thats cool, where did you get him?
Then the parrot responds and says africa. | 729 |
Stupidity is hereditary A young boy came back from school one evening and complained to his father, "I have a mean teacher who always calls me stupid." The father, angry, replies, "I'll come with you to school tomorrow and confront this arrogant teacher."
The next day, the boy and his father go to school, and the boy shows his father to the mean teacher. The father asks the teacher angrily, "Why do you always call my son stupid?" The teacher replies, "He is indeed stupid, and I'll show you proof that he is." The father replies, "Show me."
The teacher then looks at the student and tells him, "Go to the staff room and look for me and check if I'm there." The student runs off and comes back a while later saying, "I couldn't find you there at all." She then replies, "Ok then, go to the school library and look for me, I might be there." The student runs off and comes back a few minutes later saying, " I looked for you in the library, but I couldn't find you!"
The teacher then looks at the father in a cocky way as to tell him look at your stupid son. The father looks back at the teacher, frowns, then says, "Just give him a little while longer, I think you might be absent today." | 730 |
Is it better to write on a full stomach or an empty one? It is better to write on paper | 731 |
Introverts hate communism They’d much prefer antisocialism. | 732 |
A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum. Now it's Vincent Van Gone. | 733 |
Quarantine is risking a condom shortage. Diaper manufacturers are already gearing up. They know shit already. | 734 |
Yesterday I found bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil in my house Now it's just Olive Oil | 735 |
yes I have a vore fetish, if you’ve got a problem with that you can eat me | 736 |
An accountant, an engineer, and a lawyer walks into a bar.. Bartender: what is this? Some kind of a joke? | 737 |
Covid or not, I really want to go and buy Vietnamese sandwich ....but they Banh Mi from going outside | 738 |
I don’t really believe in star signs But that’s because I’m a Sagittarius | 739 |
My wife stopped me on the way out the door with my viola case in hand.
Wife: Where do you think you're going?
Me: I got a gig.
Wife: A gig? I thought all your gigs got cancelled?
Me: I got a new one.
Wife: Who hires a violist when we're all quarantined?
Me: The health department. They want me to walk down the street playing my viola to get everyone to run inside and shut their windows. | 740 |
I be flourishing during Covid-19. homelessness was never easier til i blended in with the newbies. | 741 |
An ISIS freedom fighter was feeling down so I decided to tell him a joke, but to no avail - This was no laughing martyr. | 742 |
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat into the water? If they feel forward, they’d still be on the boat. | 743 |
There is a mathematical formula for food sex. The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant. | 744 |
Finding Jesus A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?" | 745 |
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock today | 746 |
I may have 2020 vision But no one could have saw this coming | 747 |
this is from a speech I gave in my dream right before I woke up this morning
"As we contemplate the shared contributions of graphite and rubber in the advancement of literature,
we consider graphite and its role in recording transformative ideas with exquisite prose,
and rubber for eliminating substandard word choices and ideas best left forgotten.
We should remember that they both contribute equally.
For to believe that somehow graphite is more important is just being erasist." | 748 |
Have you read any books this year? -Only 1984
-Wow. That is a lot! | 749 |
My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation. That's a big stretch. | 750 |
Good ole little Johnny was sitting in class The teacher drew a line with three birds on it up on the blackboard.
​
"Ok, class, there are three birds on a wire, if one of the birds falls off, how many birds are left?"
​
As she erases one of the birds on the blackboard, little Susie in the front row raises her hand and answers, "There are two birds left."
"Very good Susie, that's right, there are two birds left." Susie smiles.
​
Little Johnny is watching this from the back of the class, clearly bothered. "No, no, no..." he says as he raises his hand.
With sigh of resignation, the teacher asks, "Ok, Johnny, what is it?"
Johnny begins, "Well, for starters, birds don't fall off of wires..."
"Ok..." the teacher starts when Johnny forges ahead.
"If it fell off, then it was probably shot, and if it was shot then the other birds would have flown away."
"So the correct answer is zero birds." he finishes.
​
The teacher replies, "Well Johnny, that makes a lot of sense, I like the way you think!"
​
Johnny continues, "Ok, now I've got one for you: there are three women in an ice cream parlor. One is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and one has the whole cone shoved in her mouth!"
​
With a sly look, Johnny asks, "How can you tell which one is married?"
​
With an even louder sigh than the first, the teacher responds, "I don't know Johnny... the one with the cone shoved in her mouth?"
​
Johnny smiles and replies, "No. The one with a ring on her finger... but I like the way *you* think!" | 751 |
Who is the leader of international public health? Yes. | 752 |
What do you call the opposite of a monopoly? A polypoly | 753 |
What is another word for necrophiliacs Ghost Buster | 754 |
When the apocalypse starts I’m gonna be called BG. Because I’ll be stayin’ alive. | 755 |
What’s the difference between a drunk person and a child? None— They both speak too freely, much to everyone else’s annoyance. | 756 |
Wife was checking her husbands phone... ... and saw a contact named COVID19 & she called the number and her own phone rang.
Husband is now in isolation | 757 |
What do you call a boner at a funeral? A mourning wood
(I am not sorry if this has been posted before) | 758 |
A wealthy businessman wanted to expand his business to a new country The king of the land was wealthy, and didn't want to allow the foreign business. There didn't seem to anything the businessman could offer to persuade the king.
Finally the king agreed to let the business in if the businessman would give him his daughter's hand in marriage.
The vows went well, the I do's went well, and it all concluded when the priest said, "You may now kiss the bribe." | 759 |
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up........... A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your Proof!’ | 760 |
What do u call a spoiled skeleton? Mommy’s bones | 761 |
Did you know people that wear Crocs are more likely to have COVID-19? One of the first symptoms is lack of taste. | 762 |
Pennies are becoming more and more rare in the US. We're lacking common cents. | 763 |
I was sat on the end of my bed last night pulling off my Boxers... And the mrs said: “You really do spoil those dogs” | 764 |
What do you call a bad hair day? Everyday | 765 |
What's bucking bronco sex? Take your partner from behind and tell her that her sister is better, you get more points for the longer you stay on :) | 766 |
A hire van ran over my foot today.
Really Hertz! | 767 |
Why don't you invite a monkey to a butcher shop? He'll use the meat cleaver to scratch his balls! PML. | 768 |
There was an old man laying in the hospital on the verge of death. As he floated on the verge of consciousness for 2 weeks, his faithful wife sat in a chair by him every moment.
When the man gained enough strength to speak, he whispered, "Honey you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired from the factory job, you were there to support me. When we lost the house, you never left my side. When we crashed the family car, you made sure our spirits were high. When I lost the business, you were there again."
The man continued, "Now that my health is failing..."
"Yes, dear?" She answered, smiling.
"You know what?" He said.
"What, dear?" She asked.
"YOU'RE FUCKING BAD LUCK!" | 769 |
As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus I never catch anything. | 770 |
It took a pandemic for us to start cherishing the smaller things in life That's what my girlfriend did | 771 |
I was trying to make up a joke social- distancing... But this was as close as I could get. | 772 |
Hey do you guys remember about the "press F to pay respects" meme I heard that it died, hit me kinda hard.
F
wait a second | 773 |
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't know man, depends on what you ordered first. | 774 |
What do you call a man spending time alone in space? Astro-nut | 775 |
A Russian and an American get into an Argument A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him
The Russian replies with the fact that he can too, without any consequences, can walk up to the Red Square and talk shit about the american president | 776 |
I was coughing and started to feel like I had a fever. I typed in my symptoms into the computer. It said I have “Network Connectivity Problems” | 777 |
Two plus sized woman walk into a bar At the bar sits a drunken Irish man. As the two women approach, the Irish man sees them and exclaims: "Ah, two fine lassies from Ireland!"
Defiantly, one responds "It's Wales!"
The man corrects himself, "Ah, two fine whales from Ireland!" | 778 |
I was at the bank and this young woman in front of me was depositing a massive bag of dollar bills. The teller asked "Did you hoard all these dollars by yourself?" "No", she replied, "My sister whored half of them!" | 779 |
Why did the horse lose the race? He was a STALLion. | 780 |
A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: what has that got to do with me?
Kid: Okay, then I think I gotta go talk to my dad about some serious stuff.
Boyfriend: Wait! Okay tell me how much do you want for your stuff.
Kid: Just take my bat for 200$ and I will keep my mouth shut.
Boyfriend hands over the money to the kid and leaves safely after the husband goes out for grocery shopping.
3 days after the incident, the kid decides to high in the wardrobe of his parent's room only to confirm whether this was a one time thing or not.
He hears the boyfriend coming up with his mother again and right in front of him they start going at it. Bad luck strikes again as the husband arrives home early, the boyfriend goes and hides in the wardrobe.
Kid: It's really dark in here.
Boyfriend: Yes it is.
Kid: You know, I never liked baseball much, I would love to sell off my stuff and make some good money out of it.
Boyfriend: Alright what will I have to buy this time?
Kid: The remaining equipment for just a 1000 bucks, and I swear I have nothing to sell anymore.
Boyfriend flips out and speaks lightly: you crazy that's too much money for a kid and blackmailing is a really bad thing to do.
Kid: So is sleeping with a married woman. well, if you don't want to go ahead me and my father got some talking to do, so excuse me.
Boyfriend agrees again, pays the money and leaves safely after the husband goes to the washroom.
next Sunday, the father calls his son and asks to play some ball with him, caught in a predicament the kid confesses to selling of his equipment for massive amount of money. His father says to him that he has to seek forgiveness and learn to be a disciplined and better person, so he shall take him to Church to mend his ways.
The next day around 4:30 in the morning, his father takes him to the dimly lit Church and as they go near the first row of seats,
Kid say: It's really dark in here.
Priest : Okay, wtf you promised you had nothing to sell anymore. | 781 |
The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop. He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks" | 782 |
Which philosopher is the moistest? Jean-Paul Water | 783 |
Michael Jackson went to the psychiatrist because he was feeling stressed out.
The psychiatrist nodded and wrote Michael instructions to try to help him relax. He wrote that Michael should get in touch with the child inside him.
2 weeks later Michael came back for his follow-up appointment:
Michael- Thank you so much, doc! I’ve never felt better.
Psychiatrist- Well, Michael, I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I have some bad news.
Michael- What is it, doc?
Psychiatrist- I think you might have dyslexia. | 784 |
def "tomcat:" _n._ A ball-bearing mousetrap. | 785 |
What is the most popular type of porn right now? Quaran-teen | 786 |
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A whooly jumper | 787 |
A man goes to the doctor for his annual physical. The doctor tells him “Sir, I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“What for?!” Exclaims the man, confused and upset with the news.
The doctor, very annoyed with his patient replies “Because I’m trying to give you a physical.” | 788 |
In my opinion,the starwars franchise should be 13+ Because every lightsaber is a hotline | 789 |
With the coronavirus, please be careful when it comes to dates. All that fiber can increase toilet paper usage. | 790 |
Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race | 791 |
Bird and elephant It's a bird wandering in the forest, and he comes across an elephant. When he sees it, he falls in love right away. He goes up to him and says, "I'm crazy about you! I want to fuck you!". And the elephant says, "Uh, no, thanks." So the bird starts begging him: "I'm begging you! Let me fuck you, let me fuck you!" "Man, even if I let you do it, look at you and look at me, it ain't gonna work." "I don't care, just let me fuck you!" After a while the elephant gets tired of it and says to the bird, "Okay, knock yourself out." So the bird starts fucking him, but of course the elephant doesn't feel anything. And right above them, in a tree, there's a monkey with a coconut watching them. He's thinking, "This is incredible, there's a bird fucking an elephant!" He starts laughing like he's never laughed before and finally drops his coconut, it falls on the elephant's head and he says, "Ouch, that hurts!" And the bird in the back says "Bitch ! You like this huh ?!" | 792 |
99.9% of people are idiots. Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people | 793 |
I guess China finally got what they want They managed to coronise the world. | 794 |
A man doesn't walk into a bar... no.... no you wouldn't get it It's an inn joke | 795 |
What sport is walking in circles? Cycling | 796 |
A man walked into my shop with a dog on a lead... "You can't bring your dog in here", I said
"I'm blind and it's my guide dog", he replied
I apologised and said,
"Oh right, I see"
"Alright mate, don't rub it in", he replied. | 797 |
Yesterday, I met a prostitute with a 150 IQ. She was a fucking genius. | 798 |
People used to laugh when I carried a bottle of cheap vodka everywhere with me. "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"No officer, just sanitizing!" | 799 |
Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast? Because he didn't like the juice. | 800 |
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