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The awkward kid in class came up to me one day and muttered, "I never believed those theories about evolution in cows being so advanced lately... ...that they are starting to resemble humans. I never suspected a thing, until I noticed our barn female cow hitting on me." | 578,468 |
I never really understood all the rage about necrophilia Until I finally decided to sit down and crack open a cold one! | 578,469 |
How many anti-feminists does it take to screw the light bulb? Anti feminists? Nah, they can't screw | 578,470 |
If you have a daughter, let her marry a programmer. They are men with codes.
| 578,471 |
What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam. | 578,472 |
Why did the pedophile masturbate to Kim Kardashian? because he was blind. | 578,473 |
So I went to a mixed religion seminar... The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amu... | 578,474 |
If Microsoft releases a car... If Microsoft releases a car called Win10 . The same car would fit all size of drivers, from ants to Whales. | 578,475 |
The War on Terrorism.... ....God's way of teaching Geography to Americans. | 578,476 |
The CIA was looking for new operatives For the final test only three candidates are left, two men and a woman.
So, for this final test the first man steps in front of the testing committee and is told his final task:
"As an operative for the CIA you will be stationed abroad, you will be in complicated and dangerous s... | 578,477 |
Why do meth heads like to do it doggy style? So they can both peek out the blinds. | 578,478 |
What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college? Bison. | 578,479 |
The Minister looked at me and shook his head... The Minister looked at me and shook his head.
"Don't blame me," I said, "You're the one who told me to share my happiest memories of Kate. 'It's what people do at funerals' you said."
"Yes I did," he replied, "but never in a million years did I expect you to regale the ... | 578,480 |
"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady.. "Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trim... | 578,481 |
What do you call a dad that works at a grocery store? Baghdad | 578,482 |
I'll tell you a gay joke, butt fuck it.
(yeah yeah the joke is old, so am I) | 578,483 |
Cat Race So, England and France have a friendly contest to see which country is superior. They do this by having a cat race, in which the French cat, 'Un Duex Trois, and English cat 'One Two Three' will race across the channel.
The race starts and One Two Three cat speeds across the water, easily winning.
Unfortunate... | 578,484 |
A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling.. A woman visits her doctor complaining of a strange feeling in her lower stomach. The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news."
... | 578,485 |
A lawyer asked the defendant in a court room: "Objection, your honour! My question was, did you or did you not wanted to incinerate the victim for sleeping with your wife???" "Just answer my question!"
"Yes, but, at a certain degree...." | 578,486 |
I was told I could view the eclipse through a colander. I think I strained my eyes | 578,487 |
An Indian man on his death bed.. An Indian man on his death bed.
"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, my husband."
"My son and daughter, are you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Then who's in the fucking shop?" | 578,488 |
Took the shell off my racing snail to see if I could make it go faster... Just made it a bit sluggish. | 578,489 |
Who Says Men Don't Remember A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she cal... | 578,490 |
Want to know how the Cold War was ended? It was with Robotussin and space heaters. | 578,491 |
What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it. | 578,492 |
Man Offers To Do Anything She Wants For $20 A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying a drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome man enters.
He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him.
The man notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.
Before she can offer ... | 578,493 |
The Hippie Joke Thread. Please add to my collection. Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
How do you starve a hippie?
Hide the drug money under the soap.
What did the Dead Head say when he ran out of weed?
Man, this music sucks.
What's the difference between a hippie... | 578,494 |
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds.. A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms. | 578,495 |
How does Moses get his coffee? He buys it from Starbucks... | 578,496 |
Barbershop A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to hi... | 578,497 |
Said to a cashier the other day... So I was making a purchase and after ringing up my order, the cashier asks "would you like to make a donation to cancer treatment research?"
I said "no, they're just gonna spend it on drugs" | 578,498 |
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage... The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge -thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.... | 578,499 |
Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery Store Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's okay... | 578,500 |
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up... My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed.
If my math is correct, she's a bitch. | 578,501 |
C-sections are like the Digiorno of pregnancy..... It isn't delivery, but it still tastes like one. | 578,502 |
How does a south central chicken cross the road? ... In a bucket | 578,503 |
Why did the chicken kill himself To get to the other side | 578,504 |
What's the definition of a good buddy? [NSFW] A guy that goes into town and gets two blow jobs. Then comes back and gives you one. | 578,505 |
Why are dead baby jokes the best? Because they never get old. | 578,506 |
I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.. I'll never forget what my Grandfather said to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the fucking ladder?" | 578,507 |
Say what you want about North Korea, but... something something /r/Pyongyang | 578,508 |
A man met a beautiful lady... A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice... | 578,509 |
So I bought a black and white tank that changes color in the sun light... My coworker asked if it changed to blue and gold. | 578,510 |
What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control? Grandparents. | 578,511 |
I was walking down the street.. I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife."
You should have seen how fast they both ran off. | 578,512 |
Studies have shown... (NSFW) 9 out of 10 people actually enjoy gang rape. | 578,513 |
I use a sword to argue with people. They usually get my point. | 578,516 |
A horny sailor comes back from a year long journey at sea... and after many lonely nights, he vows to himself that the first thing he will do once he hits land is to get laid. Sure enough, as the ship comes to port, he heads to the closest brothel.
Unfortunately, the last voyage was a miserable failure, and he returne... | 578,517 |
What's the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.
...
What about the pot of glue? I knew you'd get stuck. | 578,518 |
What do you call a detective novel about eskimos? Whodinuit | 578,519 |
Laugh jokes I know a lady who blew her man's jimmy off because he wanted to be down with O.P.P.
Now he down with No P.P.
"GEORGE WILLBORN . CAUGHT UP IN TROUBLE"
It was tough for me, got caught up:
cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, raping and pillaging the town.
What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade... | 578,520 |
Do you guys like Civil War jokes? Because General Lee I don't find them funny. | 578,521 |
Want to here a word I just made up? Plagiarism. | 578,522 |
Bill gates gets duped Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an i... | 578,523 |
Games of thrones has more __ than a __ Incest, Redneck wedding
Fill in the blanks with your best joke! | 578,524 |
Hold that ugly baby A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!''
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''
The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll h... | 578,525 |
An older prison inmate sees a new inmate on his first day in prison The older prisoner sees the new guy is very upset so he decides to cheer him up.
Older: You know it's not so bad in prison. For instance do you like movies?
Younger: Yeah, I like movies.
Older: Then your gonna love Mondays. Every Monday they show ... | 578,526 |
How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down. | 578,527 |
fuck homosexuals... ...in the ass, only if both of the people involved agree to do it consciously and consensually | 578,528 |
Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? NO | 578,529 |
New Girlfriend (28) (*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Jenny, because I just added the song "Jenny Was a Friend of mine" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
[**Laugh here**] | 578,531 |
What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident? A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly. | 578,532 |
What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride.....until your friends see you. | 578,533 |
The local pedophile claims he got a perfect score on his SAT back in the day. Said it was as easy as giving candy to a baby. | 578,534 |
Why was kleenex dancing? It had a little boogie in it. | 578,535 |
Jesus throws as costume party.... Jesus throws a costume party to encourage new friends and dresses up as snake thinking it would be a funny icebreaker. Judas, dressed as a sheep, invites one of his random friends to the party who has never drank a day in his life. The new guy, dressed as a wolf, who is a loyal man and... | 578,536 |
What's Justin Bieber's favorite make of car? Voltz-swaggin.
I thought of this myself and I am so, so sorry. | 578,537 |
What did the goat say to his friend after he cut his arm? I'm bleating all over the place! | 578,538 |
I recently found out that I'm colorblind... It came out of the purple. | 578,539 |
One time I shot a gun... And the gun died! | 578,540 |
Why do the ghosts never win races? Because they're always dead tired.
I stole this from http://imgur.com/bnb3MFL
plain and simple. Just straight up stole it. Why? Because it made me laugh and I didn't see it posted here before. | 578,541 |
Why did the piece of gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken. | 578,542 |
What do asparagus and anal sex have in common? The more it's forced on you as a child, the more you dislike it as an adult. | 578,543 |
Redimi2 - Bonita - Video Letra/Lyrics hola | 578,544 |
What do you call a black guy who plays the piano? a pianist | 578,545 |
My girlfriend said I was a pedophile.... I told her "that's an awful big word for a 9 year old". | 578,546 |
Why were the absurdly dressed chickens escorted from the basketball game? Because two flagrant fouls is an automatic ejection. | 578,547 |
What do you give a sick bird? A tweetment | 578,548 |
What do you call someone who likes to rap about salt? NaCl-more. | 578,549 |
Be nice to kids. Seriously, they have guns now.
| 578,550 |
Science joke What is the difference between a prisoner plotting revenge in his cell, a scientist doing physics simulation and a prostitute in famous casino?
Count of Monte Cristo, Count for Monte Carlo and Cunt of Monte Carlo | 578,552 |
Your dog may be smarter than an honor student... but when was the last time you saw a mother carrying a plastic bag in case her honor student shits in the neighbor's yard? | 578,553 |
[Joke Request] An actress, a lesbian, and a blonde walk into a bar... Request for a a joke with that beginning. Any help is appreciated! Please and thank you! :) | 578,554 |
Which detective investigates electrical crimes? Sherlock Ohms
That's why his partner is called Wattson... | 578,555 |
Why are vegetarians good in giving head? Because they are used to eating nuts! | 578,556 |
Wanna translate one of my favorite Russian joke The teacher gave a task for the class: "there is 5 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoot one of them. How many birds left?". Vova raised his hand: "zero", he said, "cause the rest of them are flew away". Teacher answers: "no, the answer is 4. But I like the way you think... | 578,557 |
What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear. | 578,558 |
Isis has hidden bombs inside alphabet spaghettios. If they go off they could spell disaster. | 578,559 |
My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive. | 578,560 |
Why was the hipster so successful in the stock market? He invested before it was cool. | 578,561 |
I was looking at the menu in a restaurant wondering what the "Jeremy Clarkson Special" was Then it hit me | 578,562 |
I tried to disrupt my bio teacher today and asked her what her favorite codon was She said stop | 578,563 |
Why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side | 578,564 |
Why was the cheesemaker lopsided? Because he only had one Stilton! | 578,565 |
What's the most common "last words"? Allah Hu Akbar | 578,566 |
I ran a marathon! 1 mile a day for 26 days boo ya. | 578,568 |
What does Jeremy Clarkson have in common with Amy Winehouse? He can't do 'top gear' anymore! | 578,569 |
What covers the outside of a dogwood tree? Bark. | 578,570 |
Three guys are sitting in a sauna Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, "Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!" The Mexican & Asian say, "Wow, that's nice, man." Then the Mexican guy says, ... | 578,571 |
How do you know if your roommate is gay? When his Dick tastes like shit | 578,572 |
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