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What happens when a Jewish guy with a boner walks into a wall? He breaks his nose | 578,266 |
Remember when you used to blow bubbles while you chewed gum? He was here about a half an hour ago looking for you. | 578,267 |
Tickle Me Elmo Factory The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line begins churning out red fluffy children's toys one after another.
Within an hour, production has halted, the line is backed up and the manager is forced from his office to see what's going on in the factory. The other employees all point to the new worker at the end of the line. The manager walks over to find the new worker, outfitted with a sewing machine, a bag of marbles, and a spool of red fluffy Elmo fabric- all of which were not there when he sat her down at the beginning of the day.
In horror, the manager connects the dots and realizes what has happened... A group of Tickle Me Elmo dolls lay in a pile, all with fluffy pouches sewn between their legs. He screams "What have you done!" To which a shocked employee on her first day responds, "What you told me to do!"
"No!" Screams the manager, "I told you to give them two TEST-TICKLES!!" | 578,268 |
A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven.
Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to the desk he firmly claimed it was a mistake and demanded to be brought back to life to his beloved wife, children and cats (while banging his fists on the table).
Saint Peter calmly checked his files and figured out this man was actually right, the angels of death had made a mistake. The man protested, he wanted to live again. Saint Peter told him it was impossible, but had on offer at hand for him: he could come back to the world... as an animal, not a human.
He could choose any animal he wanted.
The man thought about it, he didn't wanted to be an ugly nasty cockroach, neither a tiger since he would have to fight. He went for a spider. A tiny, insignificant spider.
ABRACADABRA
The miracle was made, and now he was a spider at the top of the tree. He was amused. He wanted to make a web, so started pushing it out of his ass. PUSH... again, PUSH, PUSH, PUSH...
And suddenly, a voice: "HONEY, WAKE UP, YOU SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS!! OH MY GOD, ALL OVER THE BED!!!"
| 578,269 |
A man was arrested i Kennedy airport today.... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
| 578,270 |
Race Horse Joke/tongue twister One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too. | 578,271 |
Free air! (Help yourself.) | 578,272 |
What is a pirate's favorite element? Gold. | 578,273 |
Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo | 578,274 |
Ice Bank Mice Elf (repeat this 10 times fast) | 578,275 |
Remember where to put your commas kids... There's a big difference between helping your old uncle Jack, off his horse... | 578,276 |
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked and said, “asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
| 578,277 |
What do the Montreal Canadians and marijuana addicts have in common? Both of them smoke the leafs | 578,278 |
Roses are red... Roses are red, violets are blue, on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how hard did he hit you?
***I am not for domestic abuse or find it a laughing matter but my future wife just told me this while we were brushing our teeth.*** | 578,279 |
Two gay guys are walking down a sidewalk. As they are walking along they pass a funeral home. One of them turns to the other and asks.
"You wanna go in andcsuck down a couple cold ones?"
Thank you. I'll show my self out. | 578,280 |
Good Golf. Bad Sex Four men were playing a round of gold while in Ireland. One of them sliced, and his ball sailed into a tangle of brush. As he was digging around through the bushes searching for his ball, he surprised a leprechaun.
"Seein' that you found me, I'm bound to grant you a wish", the leprechaun tells him.
After thinking for a minute, the man starts to answer, but the leprechaun cuts him off. "I have to warn you though. Leprechaun wishes are tricky things, 'cause every wish comes with a curse too. Say you be wishin' for a billion dollars. I'd give you the money, but I'd also be making you weak and sickly so you wouldn't be enjoying it. So be prepared that I'll give you your wish, but I'll curse you too."
The man says, "I love golf, but I've never been very good. If I wished to be the best golfer in the world, what would your curse be?"
The leprechaun replies, "I can make you the best golfer the world's ever seen, but if I do I'll make your sex life as bad as your golf game is good."
After just a moment, the man tells the leprechaun, "I'll take that deal." "So be it", says the leprechaun, and then he vanishes into the bushes.
From that moment on the man cannot hit a bad shot. His drives are long and straight. His putts are perfect. He hits at least one hole in one in every round he plays. Before long he has the PGA begging him to join the tour, which he does.
Almost a year to the day after his encounter with the leprechaun, he is back in Ireland and at the same course. Overcome with curiosity, he hits a ball into the brush exactly where he'd lost his ball the year before.
Sure enough, when he goes into the bushes he finds the same leprechaun.
"I'll not be granting you a wish this time", the leprechaun says. "The code only requires me to grant you one wish no matter how many times you find me." "That's ok", the man replies. "This wish has been more wonderful than I could ever have imagined! Since we met, I've not lost a round and I've set course records at every course I've played. I've even won three PGA majors already."
The leprechaun smiles, "Well, that's mighty fine, but how's your sex life been?" "Not bad", the man answers. The leprechaun is incredulous. "How many times have you had sex this past year?" "About 5 or 6 times", is the man's answer. "And you call that not bad?!?" The leprechaun shouts. The man responds, "Well, not for a priest from a small parish."
| 578,281 |
ELI5: If Silicon Valley seceded from the US would they be considered a developing nation? | 578,282 |
My friend said I'm racist. But I'm not racist, I have one black friend. | 578,283 |
Do you know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing but fuck your mother. | 578,284 |
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen | 578,285 |
How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn’t make it a leg. | 578,286 |
What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time? What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time?
Urine-nation! | 578,287 |
I discovered that r/sexwithdogs exists other day and realised Reddit is going to the dogs | 578,288 |
A man walks into a bar. Ouch | 578,289 |
I'm not really a fighter... I'm more pass a fist | 578,290 |
Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long. | 578,291 |
Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days? Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES!
This can be taken in two ways and both are correct. | 578,292 |
What do you call an Atheist at a Christian fancy dress party? A cross-dresser. | 578,293 |
What do you call it when Muslim men play naked twister? Dinner entertainment at Guantanamo Bay | 578,294 |
How do you make a 90's kid mad? The game. | 578,295 |
This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husband thinks he mistook the bill of being 350,so he asked again for the bill,the receptionist once again said 350,so the husband trys too argue how could it be so much and the receptionist cut him off and explained " we have a guest speaker that is renting out one of our halls and guest's could have went and heard his seminar for free,we have a pool,a gym,a tennis court and a open bar open too the guest ". The husband tells him they did not use any of those services and the receptionist exclaimed " but as a guest,you could have " so the husband is now mortified and goes too protest,smiles,and pulls out his check book,and signs and gives the receptionist a check,seeing it he says " but Sir,its only 100 dollars,theres 250 un accountable here ". With the husbands sly smirk he says i'm charging you 250 for sleeping with my wife" . The receptionist giving a shocking face,looks both at the husband and wife then the husband and says " but Sir i did not do such a thong " and the husband replies " but you could have " and promptly turns and walks out with his wife in tow. | 578,296 |
If my inlaws break a bylaw, does it make them outlaws? Would any lawyer be in a preposition to answer this one for me? | 578,297 |
Great Insults A letter from teacher to parent:Dear parent,Kamal doesn't smel nice in class.Please try to bathe him.Parent answer:Dear teacher,Kamal is not a rose.Don't smell him.Teach him. | 578,298 |
What do you call a female chicken that goes "cock-a-doodle-doo"? A lesbi-hen | 578,299 |
"So, you speak German?" "NEIN!" | 578,300 |
After suicide bombing Juglesh and Bingdar find themselves in paradise. But it's very warm so Juglesh aksed the first person he sees, a huge man/animal shaped guy with a long tail and says, "excuse me sir, we are great jihadis and just arrived in paradise. It awfully warm here, Can you turn de air conditioning on?" Then Bingdar chimed in, "and sir, since we great jihadis, where de virgins we promised?" The man/animal looked down from his 7 foot height, frowning with his tail twitching, "You the virgins bitches! I'm a gonna fuck youse in da ass! And dis be hell!"
With that Juglesh and Bingdar took off running in terror with Mandingo man/animal in hot pursuit, his giant penis erect. | 578,301 |
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of their dogs | 578,302 |
Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober! Wow! Never thought it would happen | 578,303 |
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?" I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?"
"Bloody hell! No!" he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
"Well, neither would Pete," | 578,304 |
What animal is two animals at the same time? The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :)
... oh, wait. | 578,305 |
I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned. | 578,306 |
What do you call a Mexican that loses a car? Carlos. | 578,307 |
If a white girl falls in the forest, and no one is around to omg, does she even? | 578,308 |
The difference between 4Chan and Reddit. http://www.wwwdotcom.com/ | 578,309 |
I like my women like I like my coffee.... Without a penis | 578,310 |
What kind of people like Scottie's hair? Chubby 7th grade girls! | 578,311 |
What's the difference between a hobo on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A tyre (attire) | 578,312 |
What did the young boy say to the pedophile who's dick was soft? Nothing, he died choking on cum. | 578,313 |
What do call you it when a butt pirate calls another butt pirate on the phone? Booty call. | 578,314 |
JUST DEPENDS Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom -- where else?!" | 578,315 |
How would you describe killing an eagle? ill-eagle | 578,316 |
What do grapefruit and women have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat them. | 578,317 |
Irish Ghost John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving
slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before
the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other....
'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!' | 578,318 |
Once upon a time, I went to Pittsburgh to see a baseball game During one of the half-inning breaks of that game, I went to get a soda from a vending machine for $1.75. I put in my two dollars, got my drink, but I didn't get my change back. I was rather annoyed, but then I realised: Pirates give no quarter. | 578,319 |
Annual "How to Avoid Array Overflowing" seminar will be held at Febuary'29 | 578,320 |
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose..... | 578,321 |
What do you call a slutty bean? A Frijole ("free-hole").
Ba-dun-tss | 578,322 |
What do you call a black pilot? A glitch in the matrix | 578,323 |
Two most important rules of programming 1. Avoid repetitions
2. Avoid repetitions | 578,324 |
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?
A: Bison | 578,325 |
Batman went to Penguin's bar and was given the wrong drink... Just ice was served. | 578,326 |
Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers? Because they don't beat anybody. | 578,327 |
What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?... ... a pilot, you racist fuck | 578,328 |
What do you get when you cross the world's strongest man and his mean old grandmother? A funeral, probably. | 578,329 |
My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean. | 578,330 |
I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues... at least that's what her diary said. | 578,331 |
Best knock knock jokes? What are your favorite funny knock knock jokes? Or just clean jokes in general? Funny one liners, why the chicken crossed the road? Ready set go! | 578,332 |
Why couldn't the pirate remember his alphabet? Because he lost his I | 578,333 |
How come blind people never tell bad jokes? Because they can't "see themselves out"
:D
..I'll.. I'll see myself out. | 578,334 |
Cantaloupe is madly in love with Watermelon. So Cantaloupe walks up to her and says, "Watermelon, I'll love you till I die. Come away with me and let's be wed!"
But Watermelon says, "Sorry, Cantaloupe...." | 578,335 |
What you got there, boy? A boy is walking down a country lane, past an old codger's house, carrying a roll of chicken wire.
"What you got there, boy?" asks the old man.
"Well, sir. This here's chicken wire so I'm gonna go git me some chickens", replies the youth.
"Pshaw! You're crazy son", says the coot, and goes back to his whittling.
However, within about 20 minutes, he sees the boy strolling back the other way with several chickens bound up in his chicken wire. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself.
A short time later, he again sees the boy walking down the lane, this time carrying a roll of tape. "What you doin' now, boy?" he asks.
"Well, sir, this here's duck tape so I'm gonna go git me some ducks!" the boy replies cheerfully.
"Son, you can't catch no ducks with tape!" demands the aged clodhopper and, chortling, settles back down to his Rush Limbaugh show and grumbling about them *goddamned lib'rals*.
Amazingly, within a few minutes, he sees the boy walking back the way he came with several fine-looking ducks, quacking and struggling, bound tightly in the duct tape. "Well, I'll be damned." he thinks to himself for the second time that day.
Twenty minutes later, he sees the boy walking down the lane again, carrying several long tree branches.
"What you doin' *now* boy?" asks the crusty old yokel.
The boy says, "Well, sir, this here's pussywillow and I'm--"
"Hold on, son. Lemme get my hat!" | 578,336 |
Archaeologists are incestuous people, they date their mummy's | 578,337 |
A man gets carsick when driving through hills. So when he leaves his home and hops in the taxi to the airport he tells the driver, "Listen man, I have loads of time to get the the airport. Take the flattest route there, even if it takes longer." And off they go. After a few minutes the driver turns onto a hilly road and the passenger gets sick. "Hey, what gives?? I asked you to take the flattest route!"
"I'm so sorry," the driver says, "it looked flat on the map." | 578,338 |
A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets sexual urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk". | 578,339 |
Knock Knock Who's there?
The Pilot | 578,340 |
What did the Trap producer say when a spider landed on his keyboard? VVVVVVVVVVVVVVHHH!!! | 578,341 |
A priest is in a great flood... The water level is quickly rising, but he has faith that the lord will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails on up.
"Hey there," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No, for I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to find those more in need."
The rowboat heads off, and soon the water is up to the priest's chest. As he's struggling, a large motorboat rides up with a young couple on it.
"Hey!" the man says. "Jump on, we'll take you to safety!"
The priest again shakes his head. "No, I have faith that the lord will save me. Find those more in need."
The couple heads off. The water is now up to the priest's neck, and he's having issues staying afloat. A rescue boat loaded with supplies comes racing up to him.
"Grab my hand!" the captain yells. "We gotta get out of here!"
"No!" The priest yells. "There are others who need help. I assure you, the lord will save me!"
Reluctantly, the rescue boat rides off. Sadly, the water becomes too much for the priest to deal with... he goes under, and he never comes up.
He finds himself in heaven, absolutely stunned. After going through the pearly gates, he walks straight up to God himself.
"Lord," the priest says, "I spent my life devoted to you. I truly believed that you would protect me through the hardest times in my life. Yet when I needed you most, when my life was at stake, you weren't there for me!"
"What are you talking about?" God replies. "I tried like three times!" | 578,342 |
Did you know Sasha Grey retired? It's fine though, at least she went out with a bang! | 578,343 |
The Origin of Pets A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
| 578,344 |
Culture shock- True story There once was a old married couple of natives that lived on a beautiful small island nation in the South Pacific. The man was a respected elder in the community. He was still healthy and strong, but his skin was dark and leathery from years in the sun and his hair was white like wool and also wild. The wife wore colorful moo-moo style dresses and wore her hair short and curly like most grandmothers her age. She liked to attend church regularly and would help with various church functions. This was back in the 60's and the country was still developing and although it was largely Americanized, there were still bits of native culture that hung around. Most of the time their world was modern though, save for a few ceremonies or festivals. One day the wife headed to a church function to help the women prepare food ahead of time. The husband decided to join her later when the event would actually start. The event starts and people start going through line to get food. Eventually, after people had been sitting, eating, and talking for a few minutes, the old man walks in. The room falls silent. His presence instantly catches their eye. The food practically falls out of their mouth as they see what he is wearing. He was wearing a traditional red loincloth on bottom and, of all things, a big wool sweater on top! The loincloth leaves hardly anything to the imagination and the people sitting down to eat tried not to burst out laughing as this elderly man, with most of his butt cheeks exposed, shuffles through the food line filling his plate. When he has a full plate, he walks over to sit next to wife who is glaring at him. When he sits down she gets right up to his ear and hisses at him, "Why on earth are you wearing that?!" He takes a bite and with a mouth full of rice replies, "What? I was cold." | 578,345 |
3 married couples ask to join a church One couple is in their 60s, another around 40, and the last are newly-weds in their late twenties. The priest says that they will have to go celibate for two weeks to prove their commitment to the church, and to check back in then. Two weeks go by and the 3 couples come back to talk with the priest, and he asks each of them in turn how the celibacy went. The older couple says, "We've been married a while and it wasn't hard to not have sex."
The priest says, "Good you're in!" then he asks the middle couple.
The wife says, "we made it through the two weeks, but it was hard at times to not do it."
The priest says, "Good, you're in!" He then asks the recently married couple.
The husband says, "We almost made it the two weeks but two days ago my wife here bent down and i just couldn't resist the temptation."
"Well I'm sorry but you're not welcome in this church," the priest says.
"That would make sense," The young wife said. "We aren't welcome back in the supermarket either." | 578,346 |
A woman who can't cook and doesn't clean is... my wife. | 578,347 |
What does a Japanese chef shout in bed? Ooo mami!
(Umami) | 578,348 |
Pros and Cons of Easter Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside.
Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same. | 578,349 |
There's a new band called "1023Mb" They don't have any gigs yet. | 578,350 |
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock -Who's there?
-The plane captain. | 578,351 |
A Christmas tree? A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.” | 578,352 |
What kind of hotdog did the Buddha order from the street vendor? One with everything | 578,353 |
As the programmer was going to the store his wife called out We need a quart of milk and if they have eggs bring me back a dozen. He returns with 3 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs." | 578,354 |
Whats the square (root) of a (onion)??? Shallots ^_^ | 578,355 |
Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan? At the infideli counter. | 578,356 |
I was watching a porno and the guy in the film didn't cum It was pretty anticlimactic | 578,357 |
Dad told this joke on our ride to work A king used to have a horse. He loved this horse of his, but the only problem was that the horse wouldn't stop crying. Ever.
One day the king announces that he will reward anyone who is able to stop the horse from crying. However, he would behead anyone who fails at it.
People from all over the kingdom show up: Jesters, people claiming to be horse whisperers, etc. and they all fail at it and get beheaded.
As the king was losing hope, one day, a skinny, poor man shows up, claiming that he could stop the horses crying. The king says "Alright, but remember: if you fail, you will be beheaded" The man nods his head, and approaches the horse, leans over to its ear, and whispers something.
The horse suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably. The king, cheerfully, asks the guy what he whispered. The man replies "I just told him that mine is bigger than his"
After receiving his reward, the man leaves. After a few days, the horse still wont stop laughing' so the king announces that there would be a prize for anyone who could stop the horse from laughing, and if they fail, they would get beheaded.
Many people show up again, and they all fail, and get beheaded. One day, the same poor man shows up, saying he could stop the horse from laughing, only if everyone else besides the horse leaves the room.
The king, confused, leaves the room with his guards. After a few seconds, they hear that the laughing has stopped, and the horse started crying again. They barge back in, and the king demands the man to tell him what he did to the horse.
The man, zipping up his pants, said "I just showed him that I was telling the truth last time I came"
(It was much funnier originally as I translated it from Turkish, so sorry if anyone has heard this joke before, and it seems like I butchered it :P) | 578,358 |
You know what we call comedy gold in the chemistry world? Ha2Au
(I'm sorry, also the 2 should be sub-scripted but reddit wouldn't let me do that) | 578,359 |
Mouse Holes A husband and wife are having a mouse problem in their home and one day the husband comes home and he sees his wife has a stack of books in her arms and she placing a copy of Dostoyevsky in front of one of the mouse holes.
Then he sees other holes have books by Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, and Toni Morrison covering them. He says to her, “Honey, why are you putting books in front of all the mouse holes?”
She says, “Well, I thought well-written books might keep the mice from getting in or out of their holes.” He says, “What?? Why would well-written books do that??”
She says, “Well, they’re the kind of books that don’t have holes in the plot line.” | 578,360 |
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar... ...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!" | 578,361 |
What do air and sex have in common? Neither is terribly important until you're not getting any. | 578,362 |
Avoid these seminars... I went to a mixed religion seminar today.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen. | 578,363 |
What's the biggest advantage to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. | 578,364 |
I like my coffee like I like my women... Hot, dark and bitter. | 578,365 |
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