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What happens when a Jewish guy with a boner walks into a wall? He breaks his nose | 578,266 |
Remember when you used to blow bubbles while you chewed gum? He was here about a half an hour ago looking for you. | 578,267 |
Tickle Me Elmo Factory The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the li... | 578,268 |
A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven.
Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air.... | 578,269 |
A man was arrested i Kennedy airport today.... At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney Gene... | 578,270 |
Race Horse Joke/tongue twister One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too. | 578,271 |
Free air! (Help yourself.) | 578,272 |
What is a pirate's favorite element? Gold. | 578,273 |
Why did the Baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo | 578,274 |
Ice Bank Mice Elf (repeat this 10 times fast) | 578,275 |
Remember where to put your commas kids... There's a big difference between helping your old uncle Jack, off his horse... | 578,276 |
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty ... | 578,277 |
What do the Montreal Canadians and marijuana addicts have in common? Both of them smoke the leafs | 578,278 |
Roses are red... Roses are red, violets are blue, on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown, how hard did he hit you?
***I am not for domestic abuse or find it a laughing matter but my future wife just told me this while we were brushing our teeth.*** | 578,279 |
Two gay guys are walking down a sidewalk. As they are walking along they pass a funeral home. One of them turns to the other and asks.
"You wanna go in andcsuck down a couple cold ones?"
Thank you. I'll show my self out. | 578,280 |
Good Golf. Bad Sex Four men were playing a round of gold while in Ireland. One of them sliced, and his ball sailed into a tangle of brush. As he was digging around through the bushes searching for his ball, he surprised a leprechaun.
"Seein' that you found me, I'm bound to grant you a wish", the leprechaun tells him.
... | 578,281 |
ELI5: If Silicon Valley seceded from the US would they be considered a developing nation? | 578,282 |
My friend said I'm racist. But I'm not racist, I have one black friend. | 578,283 |
Do you know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing but fuck your mother. | 578,284 |
I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen | 578,285 |
How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn’t make it a leg. | 578,286 |
What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time? What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time?
Urine-nation! | 578,287 |
I discovered that r/sexwithdogs exists other day and realised Reddit is going to the dogs | 578,288 |
A man walks into a bar. Ouch | 578,289 |
I'm not really a fighter... I'm more pass a fist | 578,290 |
Why don't people tell jokes about the Reverend Jim Jones? The punchline is too long. | 578,291 |
Me: Why is gay marriage such an issue now-a-days? Friend: Because people are FUCKING ASSHOLES!
This can be taken in two ways and both are correct. | 578,292 |
What do you call an Atheist at a Christian fancy dress party? A cross-dresser. | 578,293 |
What do you call it when Muslim men play naked twister? Dinner entertainment at Guantanamo Bay | 578,294 |
How do you make a 90's kid mad? The game. | 578,295 |
This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells t... | 578,296 |
If my inlaws break a bylaw, does it make them outlaws? Would any lawyer be in a preposition to answer this one for me? | 578,297 |
Great Insults A letter from teacher to parent:Dear parent,Kamal doesn't smel nice in class.Please try to bathe him.Parent answer:Dear teacher,Kamal is not a rose.Don't smell him.Teach him. | 578,298 |
What do you call a female chicken that goes "cock-a-doodle-doo"? A lesbi-hen | 578,299 |
"So, you speak German?" "NEIN!" | 578,300 |
After suicide bombing Juglesh and Bingdar find themselves in paradise. But it's very warm so Juglesh aksed the first person he sees, a huge man/animal shaped guy with a long tail and says, "excuse me sir, we are great jihadis and just arrived in paradise. It awfully warm here, Can you turn de air conditioning on?" Then... | 578,301 |
Why don't blind people skydive? It scares the shit out of their dogs | 578,302 |
Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober! Wow! Never thought it would happen | 578,303 |
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, "How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?" I asked him, "Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tr... | 578,304 |
What animal is two animals at the same time? The Cat: because is a cat and a spider :)
... oh, wait. | 578,305 |
I was fighting with my wife over the arrangement of the dining-room furniture. I thought I had won but when I got home from work the tables were turned. | 578,306 |
What do you call a Mexican that loses a car? Carlos. | 578,307 |
If a white girl falls in the forest, and no one is around to omg, does she even? | 578,308 |
The difference between 4Chan and Reddit. http://www.wwwdotcom.com/ | 578,309 |
I like my women like I like my coffee.... Without a penis | 578,310 |
What kind of people like Scottie's hair? Chubby 7th grade girls! | 578,311 |
What's the difference between a hobo on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? A tyre (attire) | 578,312 |
What did the young boy say to the pedophile who's dick was soft? Nothing, he died choking on cum. | 578,313 |
What do call you it when a butt pirate calls another butt pirate on the phone? Booty call. | 578,314 |
JUST DEPENDS Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom -- where else?!" | 578,315 |
How would you describe killing an eagle? ill-eagle | 578,316 |
What do grapefruit and women have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat them. | 578,317 |
Irish Ghost John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it ... | 578,318 |
Once upon a time, I went to Pittsburgh to see a baseball game During one of the half-inning breaks of that game, I went to get a soda from a vending machine for $1.75. I put in my two dollars, got my drink, but I didn't get my change back. I was rather annoyed, but then I realised: Pirates give no quarter. | 578,319 |
Annual "How to Avoid Array Overflowing" seminar will be held at Febuary'29 | 578,320 |
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they.... lactose..... | 578,321 |
What do you call a slutty bean? A Frijole ("free-hole").
Ba-dun-tss | 578,322 |
What do you call a black pilot? A glitch in the matrix | 578,323 |
Two most important rules of programming 1. Avoid repetitions
2. Avoid repetitions | 578,324 |
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL Q: What did the dad buffalo say to his son on the first day of school?
A: Bison | 578,325 |
Batman went to Penguin's bar and was given the wrong drink... Just ice was served. | 578,326 |
Why should Rihanna date the Edmonton Oilers? Because they don't beat anybody. | 578,327 |
What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?... ... a pilot, you racist fuck | 578,328 |
What do you get when you cross the world's strongest man and his mean old grandmother? A funeral, probably. | 578,329 |
My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean. | 578,330 |
I can't believe my roommate thinks I have boundary issues... at least that's what her diary said. | 578,331 |
Best knock knock jokes? What are your favorite funny knock knock jokes? Or just clean jokes in general? Funny one liners, why the chicken crossed the road? Ready set go! | 578,332 |
Why couldn't the pirate remember his alphabet? Because he lost his I | 578,333 |
How come blind people never tell bad jokes? Because they can't "see themselves out"
:D
..I'll.. I'll see myself out. | 578,334 |
Cantaloupe is madly in love with Watermelon. So Cantaloupe walks up to her and says, "Watermelon, I'll love you till I die. Come away with me and let's be wed!"
But Watermelon says, "Sorry, Cantaloupe...." | 578,335 |
What you got there, boy? A boy is walking down a country lane, past an old codger's house, carrying a roll of chicken wire.
"What you got there, boy?" asks the old man.
"Well, sir. This here's chicken wire so I'm gonna go git me some chickens", replies the youth.
"Pshaw! You're crazy son", says the coot, and goe... | 578,336 |
Archaeologists are incestuous people, they date their mummy's | 578,337 |
A man gets carsick when driving through hills. So when he leaves his home and hops in the taxi to the airport he tells the driver, "Listen man, I have loads of time to get the the airport. Take the flattest route there, even if it takes longer." And off they go. After a few minutes the driver turns onto a hilly road... | 578,338 |
A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets sexual urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring t... | 578,339 |
Knock Knock Who's there?
The Pilot | 578,340 |
What did the Trap producer say when a spider landed on his keyboard? VVVVVVVVVVVVVVHHH!!! | 578,341 |
A priest is in a great flood... The water level is quickly rising, but he has faith that the lord will save him. As the water is up to his knees, an old man in a rowboat sails on up.
"Hey there," he says. "Need a lift?"
The priest shakes his head. "No, for I have faith that the lord will save me. Use your boat to fin... | 578,342 |
Did you know Sasha Grey retired? It's fine though, at least she went out with a bang! | 578,343 |
The Origin of Pets A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love ... | 578,344 |
Culture shock- True story There once was a old married couple of natives that lived on a beautiful small island nation in the South Pacific. The man was a respected elder in the community. He was still healthy and strong, but his skin was dark and leathery from years in the sun and his hair was white like wool and also... | 578,345 |
3 married couples ask to join a church One couple is in their 60s, another around 40, and the last are newly-weds in their late twenties. The priest says that they will have to go celibate for two weeks to prove their commitment to the church, and to check back in then. Two weeks go by and the 3 couples come back to ta... | 578,346 |
A woman who can't cook and doesn't clean is... my wife. | 578,347 |
What does a Japanese chef shout in bed? Ooo mami!
(Umami) | 578,348 |
Pros and Cons of Easter Pro: Eating a chocolate bunny that's hollow inside.
Con: Looking in the mirror and realising you're the same. | 578,349 |
There's a new band called "1023Mb" They don't have any gigs yet. | 578,350 |
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock -Who's there?
-The plane captain. | 578,351 |
A Christmas tree? A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging... | 578,352 |
What kind of hotdog did the Buddha order from the street vendor? One with everything | 578,353 |
As the programmer was going to the store his wife called out We need a quart of milk and if they have eggs bring me back a dozen. He returns with 3 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs." | 578,354 |
Whats the square (root) of a (onion)??? Shallots ^_^ | 578,355 |
Where do Americans buy their groceries in Afghanistan? At the infideli counter. | 578,356 |
I was watching a porno and the guy in the film didn't cum It was pretty anticlimactic | 578,357 |
Dad told this joke on our ride to work A king used to have a horse. He loved this horse of his, but the only problem was that the horse wouldn't stop crying. Ever.
One day the king announces that he will reward anyone who is able to stop the horse from crying. However, he would behead anyone who fails at it.
People fro... | 578,358 |
You know what we call comedy gold in the chemistry world? Ha2Au
(I'm sorry, also the 2 should be sub-scripted but reddit wouldn't let me do that) | 578,359 |
Mouse Holes A husband and wife are having a mouse problem in their home and one day the husband comes home and he sees his wife has a stack of books in her arms and she placing a copy of Dostoyevsky in front of one of the mouse holes.
Then he sees other holes have books by Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, and Toni Morri... | 578,360 |
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar... ...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the ci... | 578,361 |
What do air and sex have in common? Neither is terribly important until you're not getting any. | 578,362 |
Avoid these seminars... I went to a mixed religion seminar today.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will wa... | 578,363 |
What's the biggest advantage to living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus. | 578,364 |
I like my coffee like I like my women... Hot, dark and bitter. | 578,365 |
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