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Just so you know, while you and Lurleen were out judging that greased pig contest, Maggie cut her first tooth. | That's great, honey. Say, have you seen my rattlesnake hatband? |
You're not even listening to me! | Sure they will. |
You've got a wonderful family, Homer. Please don't forget it when you walk out that door tonight. | Uh... I gotta go. |
Excuse me, are you Colonel Homer Simpson? | Yes I am. |
I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of Togasaki Corp. I'm interested in buying Lurleen's contract. | Forget it, pal. They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy. |
Well thank you -- I'm still a little itchy from that fiberglass hay. | Is there anything you need? |
What's wrong? | My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes. |
No! | At least could I have my dollar ba... |
I'll love you for the rest of my life. | I'm sorry Lurleen. All I wanted to do was share your beautiful voice with other people and I've done that. Now I better get out of here before I lose my family. |
I'll love you for the rest of my life. | Just so I don't wonder... You would've gone all the way with me, wouldn't you? |
Uh-huh. | Okay. |
Uh-huh. | Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen. And I'll take any offer. |
I'll give you fifty bucks. | You son of a... Sold! |
Homer? | Is there any room in that bed for a dad-burn fool? |
These talking dinosaurs are more real than most real families on TV. | Look Maggie, they have a baby, too. |
Now kids, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selma's new boyfriend tonight. | Pfft. |
Ewww. | Ooooh. |
That's right, Aunt Selma. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown for armed robbery. | Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new bellybutton. |
That's right, Aunt Selma. Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown for armed robbery. | Lousy snitch. |
Ahh, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha. | I am not. |
Indeed, I did. And I'd like to thank you for catching me, Bart. You seized the wheel of my slow boat to hell and pointed it straight towards the sunny shores of Selma. | Hear hear!. |
White. And what would you like for appetizers? | Oooh, appetizers. |
Well Homer, you seem to be a trencherman. What should we serve? | Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup -- it tastes like ketchup. But brother it ain't ketchup! |
Very well. I... I... I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on. | Oh, would you two knock it off? I hate all the programs Marge likes. But it's no big deal. You know why? |
Very well. I... I... I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked on. | Whenever Marge puts on one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I down a few, and I stumble home in the mood for love. |
Aunt Selma has one hour to live! | Hey, down in front. |
Dad, when Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette at the end of MacGyver, she'll be blown to kingdom come! | Come again? |
After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom and we were on our way. | To the Simpson mobile! |
Hey Homer, let's book! I want to get there in time to whip eggs at the warm-up act. | Wow, my concert going jacket still fits. And this is where I used to hide my beer. |
Hey Homer, let's book! I want to get there in time to whip eggs at the warm-up act. | Billy Beer! |
My little guy's first rock concert. I hope the Spinal Taps don't play too loud. | Oh Marge, I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts and it never hurt me. |
Hmmm, well, all right, but make sure they don't pick up any of the band's attitudes towards women... liquor... religion... politics... really anything. | I hear ya. Come on boy. |
Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not gonna be bored? | Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the back seat of a car. |
Knock it off. | THERE WAS A LITTLE SPANISH FLEA... A RECORD STAR HE THOUGHT HE'D BE... HE HEARD OF SINGERS LIKE BEATLES... THE CHIPMUNKS HE'D SEEN ON TV... WHY NOT A LITTLE SPANISH FLEA? AND SO HE HID... INSIDE A DOG... |
We'll discuss it later. Is Milhouse okay? | I'll be right back. |
Homer, I've been thinking about what Bart said. If he's really interested in being a musician, maybe we should BUY him A GUITAR. | Well, that's a waste of money. We already have a guitar. |
I meant a real guitar. | This is real. |
And it came with a free instruction book. | Now boy, we spent a lot of money. So you better get real good real fast or pow! |
Homer! | Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him. |
Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants? He sure can! | Marge, what were you thinking? |
That's not my voice! | Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape. |
The admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go. | Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad and it's not gonna work for you. |
I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me...?" | Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take moochers into thy... hut"? |
Please, Dad. If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house, and chip in a few bucks whenever he can. | All right. He can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage. |
Hey, hey, I was just kidding. | That's it. He's outta here. |
But Homer, we're the only family he's got... | I don't care. This is not "Happy Days" and he is not the Fonz. |
Heyyy, Mr. S... | Listen you drain clogging, last cookie-eating, collect call-getting sponge, I want you out of my house! |
Maybe I should go. | So long stomach. We've had a lot of great memories. |
We start with pure milk chocolate... | Chocolate... |
Add a layer of farm-fresh honey... | Ooh, sweet. |
Dad, what if I told you, you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? | I'd say "You're a lying scumbag." Why sweetie? |
According to Eternity Magazine you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head without you even knowing it. | Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich, creamery butter. |
They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear new-age music, a powerful message goes to your brain, telling you to eat less. | Lose weight and listen to new-age music? Wow! What do you think, Marge? |
Hmmm... Hostage negotiations. | Listen, Tabouli, we're ignoring all of your demands. What do you say to that? |
Homer, has the weight-loss tape reduced your appetite? | Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety. |
I don't know if that tape is working. You ate three desserts tonight. | Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve. |
There's another thing I've been wanting to talk to you about... | Tut tut, gentle Marge. For here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphasizes into the voluptuary! |
Well Milhouse, "'Tis better to have loved and lost"... yada yada yada... let's go to the arcade. | Nah. |
Dad! Dad! Do you know what today is? | The vernal equinox? |
You've gained thirteen pounds. | Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them! |
You mean a spoon? | Yuh. Yuh. Yuh. |
You mean a spoon? | Yeah that's good. |
Hey, no eating in the tank! | Go to hell. |
How was your day at work, dear? | Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough... |
Homer! | Herb? |
And now, the next event...in our Living Room Olympics... the always controversial, couch vault. I do this for Stain Master Carpets. Proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics. | What the hell are you two... |
And now, the next event...in our Living Room Olympics... the always controversial, couch vault. I do this for Stain Master Carpets. Proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics. | Oh, my couch! The arms, the seat... the dream is over. All right, who did this? |
There, there. You're safe now, little sister. | Well, why did this have to happen now, during primetime, when TV's brightest stars come out to shine!? |
There, there. You're safe now, little sister. | Oh, goodbye, old girl. We've had a lot of great memories. |
"Well, I never thought I'd see it. They're dancing on the Berlin Wall. These lithe and lively lovers of liberation..." | Boring. |
Pyle! | Well friend, you're going back where you came from. The curb in front of Flanders' house. |
Yeah, you gonna to be okay? | Yeah. You know, my life just can't get any worse. |
Yeah, you gonna to be okay? | That's right. There's no way my life could possibly get any worse. |
Ah, Simpson, you big virile son-of-a- gun. How would you like a check for two-thousand dollars? | Would I! |
All you have to do is sign this form. | Wait a minute. I'm not signing anything until I read it, or somebody gives me the gist of it. |
All right, well, it just explains that you've won -- yes, that's it -- won the first annual... uh... Montgomery Burns... uh... Award for... a-a-a Outstanding Achievement in...a-a th... th.. the field of... uh, Excellence! | Don't I get some kind of trophy? At a big award ceremony? |
"IT'S THE FIRST ANNUAL MONTGOMERY BURNS/ AWARD FOR -- | Herb! |
Webster's Dictionary defines excellence as "the quality or condition of being excellent". And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. | Please please please please please... |
Dad, you know you won. | Don't jinx it! |
The winner... Homer Simpson! | Oh, my God!! Woo hoo! I win! |
You cleaned me out Smokin' Joe. What's the matter Homer? Cummerbund too tight? | I miss my couch. |
I know how you feel. You lost a couch. I lost a heavyweight championship. | Pfft! Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind. |
Let's do it. | I think I'm gonna take a walk. |
But sir... | Dammit, I said full power! |
Dad? Dad? | I'll take it. |
This chair is $2,000. We could buy a whole living room set for that. | Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service. But those were dead ends. I think this chair is the answer. |
This money was a blessing. We can't just spend it on some creature comfort. | All right, we won't get the chair. Now excuse me while I kiss the sky. |
Bart... Lisa. I'm so glad to see you. | You weren't so glad to see me. |
I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face. | Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt? |
Can't complain. | Herb, let me give you the grand tour. This is one of our many light switches. It functions in both the on and off mode. |
Can't complain. | On... off... on... off. |
Homer, he knows how to work a light switch. | Oh, yeah. Right. I don't know what this switch does. |
I got the recipe from the Utility Grade Beef Counsel. | They do good work. |
That's all I got. | Broke again, eh Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman. |
Well, I think we should invest in a set of the great books of Western Civilization. Look at this ad from "New Republic for Kids." Each month a new classic will be delivered to our door: "Paradise Regained," "Martin Chuzzlewit," or Herman Melville's twin classics "Omoo" and "Typee". | Wait, Marge. Didn't you want to spend that money on a vibrating chair? |
How would you like to spend two thousand dollars to give a broken man a second chance? | Nah. |
Up-up-up-up. Not here. Come into the dining room. I want to give you a twenty-minute presentation that will change the world. | Twenty minutes?! |
Okay. Now, before I tell you about my idea, I'd like to show you this. | It's drinking the water! |
Take it easy, Homer. Now this is an example of how one little idea -- carefully marketed... | This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars! |
No, Homer. That invention is out already. I'm just using it as an example. | It's going back for more! |
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