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Amen, brother. | And don't you think that the Almighty has better things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly hour of his week? |
Tell it, daddy! | And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making God madder and madder. |
Lord, my husband is by no means perfect, but he's a kind, decent man. Please show him the error of his ways. | Marge, come to bed. |
No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays... | Maarge... come to bed Marge... |
No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays... | It's good for what ails ya... |
No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays... | I can wait all -- |
No, Homer. He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord. He just likes to sleep in on Sundays... | God? |
THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH! | Well... kind of... but... |
BUT WHAT? | And YOU remember... Matthew... 21:17. |
BUT WHAT? | I'm not a bad guy. I work hard and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell? |
You know, sometimes even I'd rather be watching football. Does St. Louis still have a team? | No. They moved to Phoenix. |
Oh yeah. | You know what I really hate about church? Those boring sermons. |
I couldn't agree more. That Reverend Lovejoy really displeases me. I think I'll give him a canker sore. | Give him one for me. |
I will. | So I figure I should just try to live right, and worship you in my own way. |
Dad, can I ask you a question? | Sure, honey. |
Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? | Don't worry, Sweetheart. If I'm wrong, I'll recant on my deathbed. |
Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? | Hello, my animal friends. Peace be with you. |
Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? | Guys, please, could you give me five minutes? |
No, it's nothing bad. I'm just concerned, because my husband hasn't been attending your services lately. | Well, I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. But then God Himself told me I should seek a new path. |
Oh, really? | Yeah, he appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was special 'cause I usually dream about naked... Marge. |
So, Homer, you saw the Big Cheese? What'd he look like? | Perfect teeth - nice smell - a class act all the way. |
"And he left them, and went out of the city into Bethany, and he lodged there"? | Yeah... think about it. |
Pretty slick. | Well, you should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No Hell... no kneeling.... |
Neighbor, I heard about your heresy and we've made it our mission to win you back to the flock. | No sale. |
GET THOSE ANIMALS OUT ON THE ARKY, ARKY - | Leave me alone! |
I see him, son. | Where are we going? |
I have a responsibility to raise these children right and unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked. | Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair and some "wild" ideas and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... uh, I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about -- he used to drive that blue car -- |
Homer, please. Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win. | There you go again. Always taking someone else's side. Flanders... the water department... God... |
Coming up next, "Make Your Own Ladder." | Very sure. |
Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere... it was terrible... | Wait a minute, is this a religious thing? |
A religious clown thing, yes. | Sorry. |
Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom, located in the employee lounge. | Hey Ganesha, want a peanut? |
Please do not offer my god a peanut. | No offense Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must have been out takin' a whiz. |
O-kay. | Flanders, you saved me. Why? |
Help! Help! | That's right, old friend. |
Oh, Homey! Are you all right? | My Magazines and roach traps... gone, all gone. |
Truly this was an act of God. | Hey, wait a minute... Flanders is a regular Charlie Church and God didn't save his house! |
Any valuables in the house? | Well, the Picasso... my collection of classic cars... |
Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, not made-up stuff. | Well, that's just great. |
Coming up next... Which works better - springy clothes pins, or the other kind? | You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here. |
Yes, the lesson is... | No, don't tell me, I'll get it... Oh, I know! The Lord is vengeful! O Spiteful One! Show me who to smite, and they shall be smoten! |
Ah, that's super. | I was rude to every one of you... and you saved my life, when you could have just left me to fry, like the proverbial pancake that I am. |
Now, would you give church another try? | I'll be there next Sunday. Front row, center! |
That's game, Hendrix! | God, I gotta ask you somethin'. What's the meaning of life? |
Homer, I can't tell you that. | C'mon. |
You'll find out when you die. | I can't wait that long. |
You can't wait six months? | No, tell me now! |
I'd say... 53 years old and 420 pounds. | Ha, ha, you lose! 36 and 239! |
A ride on the famous Duff Beer Blimp! | A ride on the Duff Blimp... |
You see the circular pattern on those fields? That's from central-pivot irrigation. | Wow. |
Oops! Sorry. | Ho-mer, Ho-mer, Ho-mer.. |
We have one at home. You never use it. | Well, I want that one. |
And the winner of the blimp ride is... Homer Simpson! | Oh my God! |
Dad, do you think I'm ugly? | What are you talking about? |
Dad, do you think I'm ugly? | Heh heh heh... Oh, Lisa, this isn't real. It's just how you might look if you were a cartoon character. |
I'm an ugmo. | Now that's not true! You're cute as a bug's ear. |
Fathers have to say that stuff. | Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? |
No! You're homely as a mule's butt! | There, see? |
Mmmm... no. | How about you, Barney? |
Not for a second . | I need help. |
What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning. | That could be Lisa! |
The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only 250 dollars to enter. | Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? |
Sure! | Where'd you get all the money? |
No! No! I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks... that makes fun of the ugly one. | Lisa, if you could have one wish, what would it be? |
To shut myself off from the world and never be seen by human eyes again. | Uh, was your second wish to be entered in the Little Miss Springfield Pageant? |
What are you talking about? | I sent in an application for you. I couldn't find a big enough photo, so I sent in that funny drawing of you on roller skates. |
Homer, Lisa's already sensitive about her looks. This is the last thing she needs. | But I think she'll win. |
Dad, have you seen the girls they have in those contests? Hubba, hubba. | Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl. |
You're looking at her through a father's eyes. | Well, if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would. But to me, she's beautiful. |
But that ride meant everything to him! | Hey there blimpy boy Flying through the sky so fancy free -- |
I know two fellas who are gonna get a special dinner tonight. | Hey... hey! |
Whooo! Whooo! Dad, do you know anything else about women? | Nope, that's it. |
My name is Lisa Simpson, and I want to be Little Miss Springfield so I can make our town a better place! | Yeah! Clean up this stink hole! |
Ooh, that just kept goin' huh? And now here's... ... Lisa Simpson! | They'll love you just as much as I do. |
Thanks, Dad. | Hmmm. |
But you're a role model to young people. And we're thinking of retiring "Menthol Moose". | Bless you boys. |
Homer, those are ice cream men. | I know. |
Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant? | I don't know. Was I drunk? |
Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do. | Really? |
Uh-huh. | Will you remember this the next |
Uh-huh. | time I wreck your life? |
Hey Homer - where's your present? | Oh yeah? With what? |
Hey Homer - where's your present? | I mean don't worry, son. I forgot to get you a present. But I swear on my father's grave... |
Hey! | I will get you one now! |
We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt... which I call frogurt! | Well, I need something for my son's birthday. |
Take this object. But beware, it carries a terrible curse. | Ooh, that's bad. |
But it comes with a free frogurt. | That's good. |
The frogurt is also cursed. | That's bad. |
But you get your choice of topping. | That's good. |
That's bad. | Can I go now? |
...And in environmental news, scientist have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly. | Woo hoo! |
I'm Krusty the Clown and I'm going to kill you! | Didn't even pull the string that time. |
Homer, what's wrong? | That doll tried to kill me! |
I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure? | Don't leave me alone with him. |
I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure? | MY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME / IS H-O-M-E-R / MY BALONEY HAS A SECOND NAME / IT'S H-O-M-E-R. |
Guess who, Fat Boy? | Marge, Marge, look! |
Oh my God. | The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me! |
Oh my God. | Ew. Dog water. |
I love you, Homer. | Come here you. |
Here ya' go buddy. | Did you walk the dog? |
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