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Hmm... | The Rememberererer? |
Ah, my first Christmas. Such great Chinese food. | This is great! I'm finally gonna find out how I ruined my family! Strap me in, nerd! |
Now you'll feel a slight pinch... followed by an extremely painful pinch. Signaling that the spike will begin boring into your skull three seconds later. | Bo-ring. |
Yes, that's right, boring. | Ow. Ow. Ow!!! Three, two, one. Owwwww!!! |
Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. | Another man... with my wife... in my house... on top of my TV Guide? |
Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. | I've gotta find out who that guy is, but I need help. Someone like Bart, only smart. Lisa! |
Another me? You can watch the kids. | Lisa, I'm about to probe the most shattering moment of my life. You wanna join me? |
Yo, Homer! Can you take me to when you were ten to see if I can kick your butt? | Bring it on. |
You're superior to me in every way! | Well, let's see how you do against twenty-year-old Homer. |
What is it you want from me? Money? Weed? | I'll teach you to beat up yester-me! |
Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss. | Who was it with? |
Uh... Apu. | Right. |
Uh... Apu. | Kids, your mom is with another man, and I need you to help me find out who he is. Hm... is this really something I should show you kids? |
Uh... Apu. | It's okay -- we're not really your kids. We're just representations of them, that you created in your mind. |
Uh... Apu. | Really? Then if I created all this... that means I can have pizza anytime I want! |
Uh... Apu. | Hello, I'd like to order a pizza. Thirty-five minutes?! |
Hey, what's going on here?! | See? That's where my memory stops. Who the heck is that guy? |
Hey, what's going on here?! | What if you just moved the bottle? |
Hey, what's going on here?! | All right. Let me just get out of this bubble smoothly and elegantly. |
Hey, what's going on here?! | How can I get my memory to work? |
Duffman! | The mother of my children with the reason for my children! |
I'm just givin' it to your wife. She is gonna be sore tomorrow. | Noooo! |
Good one. | Wait a minute -- if killing myself would make you two happy, then I'm not gonna do it. |
Oh Homer, I didn't want you to find out this way. We were planning a surprise party for you. | A surprise party? |
I'm sorry your surprise party was spoiled. | Are you kidding? The mother of my children with the reason for my children! This is gonna be the greatest party ever! |
Oh yeah! Duff beer is sponsoring the party, featuring new Duff Champagne -- the beer of champagnes! | Oh my God! It's like Christmas in December! Let's celebrate now. |
My eye! | Don't worry honey, I'll get you an ice pack. Where's the ice pack? |
Geez, Homer, I can't believe your plan actually worked. | What plan? |
I've spit in every drink I ever served you. Bottoms up! | Hmmm... The only problem is, I'm sure to retain some image of coming home and finding Duffman. No doubt I'll misconstrue that as him placing a cuckold's horns upon my brow. And that will make me want to jump off a-- |
I've spit in every drink I ever served you. Bottoms up! | For the love of God, make sure the party boat has a moon-bounce. |
Because I didn't want him finding out about the party. I mean, he's okay, but you know he'd bring Sarah, and I just don't care for that woman. | And when you pushed me off the bridge, it's 'cause you knew about the party and wanted to make sure I got here. |
This is good for two free drinks. | Hmmm... The only thing that still doesn't make sense is why the dog attacked me. |
Because you never feed him, walk him or let him out to pee. | Oh yeah. |
Because you never feed him, walk him or let him out to pee. | Who's an angry dog? Who's an angry dog? |
Aren't you going to drink? | No, this is a moment I want to remember. |
We can't leave work till you do! | Oh no! He's talking to that mailroom guy. |
Don't you remember what today is? | When you ask me that it's never good. |
I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit. | Marge, that was a joke! |
But it comes from a true place... | Well, if I'm gonna start a diet, this is my last chance to eat all the crap I love. |
Thank you! | A drive-up trashcan! |
Thank you! | This must be how the rich toss out their gold. And as long as I'm cleaning out the family chariot... |
Thank you! | Cups... newspapers... bottles... tricycle... lawn chair... un-cashed checks... |
Thank you! | Hmm... "Dispose of proper--" This book is too hard. |
Thank you! | Now for a victory cigar. |
There, there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat. | I can't stand to see a grown burger cry. We must rebuild Fast Food Boulevard! |
There, there, Cheesy McMayor. No one likes weepy meat. | I don't know about you, but I don't want to live in a future where food is brought by waiters... where the chairs aren't attached to the tables... and where I can't ditch my kids in a pit of dirty balls. I say we rebuild the Fast-Food District -- bigger and better than ever! |
This election is on every channel. | C'mon, Marge, it's primary fever -- catch it! |
I think it's exciting -- Springfield is the center of the political universe. I feel like a pundit in a think tank! | Think tank, eh? |
Opinions about the ads. | I live in that place! |
Former governor Vincent Aleppo said in the New York Times, "I will protect the nation from attack." | He's got my vote. |
"And ye shall judge them by the company they keep." | Oh my God, they're going steady -- did everyone see that?! |
I feel exactly the opposite but the same. | That was the best milkshake ad I've ever seen. It makes me want a milkshake! |
Stop all this pandering! | If you haven't sprung from, or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house! |
Stop all this pandering! | You too, Fred Thompson. |
Stop all this pandering! | Is everyone here as sick of those stupid politicians as I am? |
What're we gonna do? We can't not vote. Nobody does that! | Why don't we all pick the most ridiculous candidate, and write him in? |
Sorry. | No, no. This candidate has to be unbelievably ridiculous. |
Chief Wiggum! | No. But you're close. |
Shockingly, this new face is now favored by fifty-three percent of likely voters. A new frontrunner has been crowned! | What I did made the TV thing happen. |
Lisa, I'm sure this Wiggum-arole will blow over -- you have to have faith in the wisdom of the average voter. | I dig the Wig! I dig the Wig! |
Ow! | Lisa, being President is easy. You just point the army and shoot. |
The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms. | Oh, the Patriot Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out. What's next -- finding out what operas I go to? |
Dad, I'm freezing. | Don't worry, kids. These wool socks and down parkas will keep you warm. |
We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill! | I thought global warming would take care of it. Al Gore can't do anything right. |
Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets. | Like which kid's their favorite! It's Lisa. |
We're in every kind of therapy! | Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the nineteen nineties. |
The nineties? Never heard of it. | Oh, it was a wonderful time. The Iraq war was over once and for all, a struggling Matt Groening created "Futurama," and young people believed in their dreams, thanks to a TV show called "Melrose Place"... |
Kurt? Kurt? It's Marvin! Your cousin, Marvin Cobain! You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this! | Fine! |
Oh Marge, it's statements like that that make people say women are stupid. | A tale of two young outlaws in love... |
Homer really did need those injections. | I had become diabetic from drinking too many Frappuccinos. |
Did you two ever get back together? | Yep, that professor couldn't keep me and Marge apart. |
Did you two ever get back together? | I mean, unless he had been a little nicer at the beach. |
Well that professor did teach me one good lesson -- Homie is where my heart is. | And once we were back together, I was too happy ever to grunge again. |
You're right. But I'm worried about what's on the horizon: reality shows, Britney Spears, the suspicious number of home runs being hit. | For the next two hours, we'll be kid free. It'll be just like the time we lost them at the mall. |
This is a terrible Valentine's Day. | What if I told you some of the greatest love stories of all time? |
And I love you, Tootsie Roll... | Happy Valentine's Day, and shut your gob. |
While your car's in the shop, you can drive this loaner. | Loa...ner? |
She's right here. | Wow. This is the kind of car you see in commercials! How much am I paying for this? |
Nothin'. | Hm, it seems like a lot... |
On the contrary. The loaner car is complimentary. It's standard policy. | Really? You people are idiots! That's the dumb-- What a stu-- I mean, that sounds fair. |
Okay, so-- | Look at you! Idiots! |
Whoa, fancy wheels. What song does the horn play? | None. |
Cut it out! | Wanna take a ride with your old man? |
No. | C'mon. C'mon. Oh c'mon. |
There's this new kid at school who everyone thinks is cooler than me. | Aw, don't give up, boy. I believe in you -- and not just because I have to. |
Really, Dad? | Son, I know when we first met, we didn't really hit it off. But since then, I've really come to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought. |
You're right. I'm gonna go to school tomorrow and show everyone I'm awesome. | That's my boy! Now let's watch the air conditioner fight the heater! |
No, I'm kind of embarrassed about it. | Mrs. Simpson, may I take you for an evening drive? Our loaner awaits! |
Did you just unlock the car from here? | Uh-huh. |
I never dreamed an American car designed in Germany, assembled in Mexico from parts made in Canada, could be so amazing. | Yeah, I can't believe all those years I used to drive that old piece of... What the?! |
Dad? | Sorry, Maggie. |
Come and get me, you syrupy stack of man-cakes. | It's too much work. Why don't you come and get me? |
Jeez Louise. Are you okay? | Just gimme a minute. But feel free to go nuts on me. |
It's your new diet! | But I have all those old diets I still haven't finished. |
Homer, did you know I used to weigh four hundred pounds? | I'll bet no man would touch you. |
Well, I went from fat to "all that" using my simple, foolproof diet. It's all about little substitutions. Instead of French toast for breakfast, why not eat a bell pepper? When you crave something sugary, eat a bell pepper. Want a beer? Bell pepper! | It's tangy like a pepper, but crunchy like a bell! |
You've gained seven pounds! | Well, they say muscle weighs more than fat. |
Homie... have you been cheating on your diet?! | What?! I'm not even gonna dignify that with eye contact. |
Searching for evidence. I know your father's cheating on his diet. | Hey Marge, looking for something? I'm looking for something too -- a bell pepper I don't like. Maybe it'll be this one. |
Searching for evidence. I know your father's cheating on his diet. | Wrong again. |
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