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Hey, I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody. | Did it work? |
Three minutes to meltdown. | Whew! Saved by the bell. |
Just do what you did before. | All right. |
INT. SHELBYVILLE PLANT - ANOTHER AREA) | Eeenie meenie minee moe, catch a tiger by the toe... If he hollers let him go, eenie meenie minee moe. |
Thank you Homer for saving my plant with that idiotic rhyming. Do you even know what button you pushed? | Sure. Moe. |
God bless that clown. | You think it's him? |
Krusty, you don't have to be "on" tonight. | What are you talking about? Of course he does. |
Go wait in the car. | We could have seen a monkey. |
No, Dad, that's Hebrew. Krusty must be Jewish. | A Jewish entertainer? Get outta here. |
Dad, There are many prominent Jewish entertainers including Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks. | Mel Brooks is Jewish? |
Yes, it's just that saying the brucha brings back a lot of painful memories. The old days... my... my father... | Hey Krusty, are you gonna finish that meatloaf or what? |
Come on... | Yeah, Krusty, tell us. |
Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. | Why you little... |
Do you have any yearbooks? | No, that's it. You've seen everything. |
Homer, maybe you better take Milhouse home. | Gladly. |
And, to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note, remember: The presidential primaries are only a few months away. | Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia. |
Trick or treat, man. | Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes. |
Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the stone age. | Here you go, kids. Lousy punks... |
We're home! | Get a good haul this year? |
Heh heh heh...Jackpot! | I am very, very proud of you kids. |
Oh yeah, three bad nightmares. | I'd like to see that. |
I can do that but I don't wanna. | Eeuhgh. What is this thing? |
It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Allal ben Abdallah. It has the power to grant wishes to its owner. | Oh yeah? How much? |
Ugghh, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing? | Why at that little shop, right over... there. |
Ugghh, Homer. Where did you get that ugly thing? | Oh no, wait, it was over there. |
You must pay a fine of two American dollars. | Okay. |
Peace on Earth. | Forget it, you two. As the pants- wearer of this house, I get the first wish. |
Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand. | Marge, don't flake out on me. That monkey's paw is gonna make our dreams come true. |
Oh, my land! | Ooh, a luxury car. Good baby. Good Maggie. |
Okay, no more fooling around. Paw, this is Bart. I wish for the Simpsons to be rich and famous. | Now you're talkin'! |
Yaaayyy!! | Woo hoo! |
Yaaayyy!! | C'mon, everybody. We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town! |
Oh Homer, this is awful. | Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful. |
I wish for world peace. | Lisa, that was very selfish of you. |
Jeez, now we're slaves. This paw sucks. | Ok, Ok. I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, And...AND! I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it? |
Jeez, now we're slaves. This paw sucks. | Hey... Hmm. Not bad. Nice hot mustard... good bread... Turkey's a little dry. The turkey's a little dry?! Oh foul, accursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?! |
Hey, fellow slave, is that one of those monkey paw dealies that lets you wish for things? | Yeah, but I gotta warn you that this thing is ee ... Yeah, that's what it is. Wanna try it? Heh, heh, heh. |
Hey, Homer! This little thing-a-ma-jig really works great. Now that I've saved the earth, maybe I oughtta spruce up the ol' homestead. | I wish I had a Monkey's Paw. |
Good morning, dear. | Hiya Bart!!! How's my boy! Heh heh. Heh heh. |
Much better! Oh good, the curtains are on fire! | It's good that you made that awful thing, Bart. It's real good. |
Okay. | He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on my side. |
I want to watch Krusty. | Shut up boy. If they make this field goal I win fifty bucks. |
Yayy! | Slowly... slowly... don't make a sound... don't even think, because he can hear your thoughts... then, when he's least expecting it, bash his head in with a chair. End of monster. Heh heh heh. |
Homer, I see you agree with my theory. | I'm not nodding. It's the air conditioning. |
Well that's too bad because the attention the boy craves should be coming from you. I want you to spend some quality time with him. Get to know him. Maybe even love him. | Ouch! |
Well that's too bad because the attention the boy craves should be coming from you. I want you to spend some quality time with him. Get to know him. Maybe even love him. | Good night, son. |
Good night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish there was something I could do to repay you. | Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back. |
You got it. | Oh, ah, thanks boy. |
I love you, dad. | I love you, son. |
Can we sleep with you? | You both toilet-trained? |
Yes! | Well, okay then... ... Four o'clock... Coupla hours I have to get up and go to work... gotta go to work... go to work. |
Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson. Wake up, Homer. | Huh? What? |
You're fired. | For what? |
For sleeping on the job. | How do you know I was sleeping? |
We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. | Camera? |
Hey, here's a good job, Dad. Oh wait, you have to know how to operate a ultrasonic lithotryptor. | How hard can it be? |
Hey, Dad. Here's one. Twenty-eight dollars an hour, plenty of fresh air... and you get to meet lots of interesting people. | Ooo, what job is that? |
Deeper. Wider. Faster. I wouldn't bury me turtle in that mud puddle. Ah, what's the use? | Sheesh. What a slave driver. |
Did you have a nightmare, Homie? | No. Bart bit me. |
Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab. | I gotta go shake the dew off the lilly. |
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads? Well my body was crushed so I had my head grafted on to or shall we say ample frame. | I didn't wake up. It's all a dream. It's just a dream! |
Don't forget dad, tonight my class is having an all you can eat spaghetti dinner. | Umm. Spaghetti. |
But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrice of the Netherlands. | Oh, I hate having two heads. |
Dad, I'm calling about the school talent show. | Don't worry, I know it's tonight. |
I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement. | Wow! And after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me. Uh huh, yeah, number four and a half reed. |
Why don't you go there first? | Hey, do I tell you how to do your job? |
Sorry, Homer. | You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top. |
What's the matter, buddy? | The moron next door closed early! |
I happen to be that moron. | Oh, me and my trenchant mouth. |
Terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse every year. | Hmm. "Lisa stop playing that stupid... saxophone!" Yes! That's it! |
Let me think about it... Eh... No. | Okay, okay. But I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. Well I don't have one. |
Okay. Okay. But now we're even. So what does your daughter need? | I'll have you know, I wrote it down. |
Okay. Okay. But now we're even. So what does your daughter need? | Number Four and a half -- Stupid gum! |
Okay. Okay. But now we're even. So what does your daughter need? | Number Four and a Half reed! Whoo hoo! |
Uh-huh. And what instrument does she play? | I dunno. |
Clarinet? | No. |
Oboe? | No. |
Saxophone? | No!... Wait a minute. What was that last one again? |
Let's hear it for Lisa Simpson and her wacky sax. | Yeah! Woo! Woo! Yeah! |
Okay, who ordered the Mount Bellyache? | I ordered it for my little girl. Heh... heh. |
I'm done. | That cost eighty-eight dollars! |
I'm sorry dad, I don't feel much like eating. | Look, I let you down and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. |
I forgive you. | You didn't mean that! |
Did you hear that, Homer? | No wonder she hates me. I never even noticed that she was alive. |
Homer, if you want to make up with Lisa just spend some time with her. | Okay. |
Homer, if you want to make up with Lisa just spend some time with her. | Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start with Maggie. |
Homie, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you. | Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm gonna -- you know -- go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that quick fix idea. Let's see, quick fix, quick fix. Ah, I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for. |
We can't afford to buy a pony. | Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony. |
That's ridiculous. | Marge, I've got to get her a pony. When I look in Lisa's eyes, I don't see love anymore. |
That's no reason to buy a pony! | See, even when you yell at me, I can see love in your eyes. |
Stick to the subject. | Ha ha, you love me. |
Let's be realistic. A pony is very expensive and we have enough trouble paying bills as it is. | Yeah, yeah, yeah. |
You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't. | Mm. |
What was that? Was that a yes or a no? | Buh. |
Those aren't even words! | Sneh. |
Oh, it's you. | Excuse me, do you sell ponies? |
Uh, sure pal, right here. | "Scot-tish deer-hound." Hey, this is a dog! |
Very good. That stunning creature over there is half a million dollars. | Half a million dollars?! |
He was sired by Seattle Slew and his mother won the Kentucky Derby. | Wow! |
His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania... | I'll take it! |
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