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Christian love? | No... Candy! Sweet, sweet candy. |
Christian love? | I WANT CANDY! |
Well, if you won't think of society's ills... | I WANT CANDY! |
Well, it's time to say "good night." | I wish our special guest Tim Conway didn't have to leave so soon. |
He's just kidding. We'd like to thank FOX, and the good people at Budget Lodge. | Well, that's all the time we have. So this is the Simpson family saying: "As you walk down the road of life..." |
I know, I'll go to my room and think about what I did. | No, no! Your room is full of toys. You're going to the, uh, garage! |
Military school?! You lied to me! | Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland", but I distinctly said "military school." |
"Freak-outs?" | If, uh, that happens, are we still charged for the entire semester? |
Look at how disciplined they are. They're just like the Terra Cotta Warriors of Xian. | They sure are. |
Ouch! Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. | That's not so disciplined. |
They're just children, Mr. Simpson. | I guess. |
Please don't make me stay, Dad! I'll do anything you say! I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes! | Leggo my leg. |
No! | Son, for the last time, you're staying at military school. |
The wars of the future will not be fought on a battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today, remember always, your duty is clear: to build and maintain those robots. Th... | Well, Bart, uh, did you make sure to return all the guns? |
Well, he's got more confidence! | Uh, yeah. I've always said the boy could use more confidence. |
"For satisfactory completion of the second grade." | Well, kids, we're so proud of the way you completed military school, we thought this time we'd take you to Disneyland for real! |
What a day. / Let's get started. / Some serious drinkin'. / | 'Evening, Moe. |
NOOOOOOOOOO! | You got the black one. |
NOOOOOOOOOO! | Hey everybody, I'm Peter Pantsless! |
No, the Playboy Mansion! Playboy Mansion! | Shut up! It's my car, and I say we're going to the lost city of gold! |
All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a streetcorner. | So you lost my car, eh? Well, that's just grand. I ought to punch you in the nose, but I have to pick up my kids at school. |
Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself. | Marge, you can stand there finding fault, or you can knit me some seat belts. |
Dad, you got a letter from the City of New York! | Throw it away! Nothing good has ever come out of New York City! |
"Dear motorist, your vehicle is illegally parked in the borough of Manhattan..." | My vehicle! |
"...If you do not remedy this malparkage within 72 hours, your car will be thrown into the East River at your expense." | Oh, I don't want to go to New York City. |
Why not? | New York is a hellhole, and you know how I feel about hellholes. |
Yeah! That's what people do in Russia! | It's time I told you about a chapter of my life I hoped would be closed forever. I was on my way to the Harrisburg Coat Outlet to buy an irregular coat. But it required a stopover in New York City. |
Great! We're all going to New York! | Lousy Bart... his money... All right, New York, I'm coming back. But you're not getting this! |
Dad, our baby pictures were in there! | Don't you start. |
I just think we should have paid the extra dollar-fifty and gotten a bus with restrooms. | Marge, I can't feel my legs! |
I just think we should have paid the extra dollar-fifty and gotten a bus with restrooms. | I can't feel my legs! |
Homer! Homer, those legs belong to the man behind you. | Oh. Hi. |
Homer, you're scaring the children. | Good. I don't want to spend one extra second in this urban death-maze. You wait here at the bus station while I get the car. |
The bus station is just one of the sights we came to see. We'll meet you in Central Park at five o'clock. | Oh, all right, but not a minute later -- 'cause once the sun goes down, all the weirdos turn crazy. |
The bus station is just one of the sights we came to see. We'll meet you in Central Park at five o'clock. | I'm on to you! |
Fresh Khlav Kalash! Get your Khlav Kalash! | Hey, uh, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza? |
No pizza. Only Khlav Kalash. | Aw, shoot. All right, all right. Give me one bowl. |
No bowl -- stick. Stick. | Geez! That's just... awful! |
Mountain Dew or crab juice. | Blech! Eww! Geesh! I'll take a crab juice. |
Mountain Dew or crab juice. | Uh-oh. Uhh... You got a men's room in there? |
Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower -- tower! Observation deck. | But I can't leave my car until the parking guy gets here. Oh, why did I drink all that crab juice? |
Only Khlav Kalash. Men's room in tower -- tower! Observation deck. | Mmmmm. |
Uh, seriously, though -- my name is Bart Simpson. My father has a subscription. I'd like the grand tour, please. | It's gonna be dark soon. I'll never make it out of here with this rotten boot on my car. |
Yeah, ya jackass! | Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! |
What?! | The boss says you're fired. |
I'll get him! | So long, Mr. Boot. |
I'll get him! | Come o-o-on! Come o-o-on! |
I'll get him! | Die! Die! |
I'll get him! | Homer one, New York nothing. |
I'll get him! | Thanks for your patience! |
My God, that maniac is heading straight for us! Go Secretariat! Go! | Ow! |
Hey, it's Dad! Right on time! | We're getting outta here, now! Jump in, Marge! Trust me! Throw the kids! No time for the baby! |
We're not jumping, Homer. | Come on! Let's go! Everyone into the car! Now! |
What a magical city! Can we come back next year, Dad? | We'll see, honey. |
What a magical city! Can we come back next year, Dad? | We'll see. |
Let's bake him a cake. | Ooh, a fresh batch of America Balls! Mmm... |
I have no son! | Look, lady, you obviously have at least one son. |
Not if you called 'em "stench blossoms". | Or "crapweeds". |
I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy. | Not if they were called "scumdrops". |
To Capitol City. | And why are you and the old lady in the car? |
We're gonna talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back. | And why is Marge here? |
I came up with the idea. | And why am I here? |
Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies. | And why are the kids here? |
Because we couldn't find Grampa to sit for them. | And why is Grampa here? |
And I'm not Seymour! My name is Armin! This is Armin's apartment! Armin's liquor! Armin's copy of "Swank"! Armin's frozen peas! | Can I see your copy of "Swank", Armin? |
Now hold on. Armin Tamzarian is an unsavory character who played us all for chumps. | All right, all right. So, he's a fraud. I don't care! His mom doesn't care! Do any of you care? |
But I'm a hero! | And we salute you for it. Now don't come back. |
Well this is a lovely gesture, but we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner. | Oh no we don't! Judge Snyder? |
Yes, Mother. | BOY THE WAY THE BEE GEES PLAYED... |
Whoever you are, just pass it along, kid. | What a bad father. |
Whoever you are, just pass it along, kid. | Lisa, knock off that racket! |
But Dad, I'm supposed to practice an hour a day! | I'll practice you! |
You'll practice me? What does that mean? Is it supposed to be some sort of threat? | Bart, make her stop. |
Oh yeah? | Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves. |
Hey! | Don't worry, son. If that bothers you, I'll destroy something Maggie loves. |
Dad, you don't understand. This saxophone is like my oldest friend. I've had it for as long as I can remember. | You don't remember how you got it? |
Nuh-uh. | Oh, well, it all happened in 1990. Back then, the artist formerly known as Prince was currently known as Prince. Tracey Ullman was entertaining America with songs, sketches, and crudely-drawn filler material. And Bart was eagerly awaiting his first day of school... |
Oh, honey, I can't right now. Bart's gonna be late! | Now, son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me... |
Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it! | Lousy traumatic childhood. |
THOSE WERE THE DAYYYYYS. | And that, my children, is the story of Bart's first day of school. |
Very nice. | Yeah. |
Homer, I can't get the baby to burp. Could you try for a while? | No problem. I'll just give her a sip of beer. Come on Maggie -- it's Miller time! Yes-it's-Mil-ler-time! |
Homer! | Oh, my father gave me beer as a child. Till I wrapped my little red wagon around a tree. |
Let's never drink again. | And we never did. |
That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie. | Brilliant! I have absolutely no idea what's going on. |
Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did. | Oh, it's beautiful! Oh! Oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge! |
Homer stop! Would you please look at the drawing? | Oh, all right. What a- Burn it! Send it to Hell! |
I think we're going to have to get Bart some help. | Get it away! |
I'll play catch with you, son. | Get the hell out. |
Two apples! | Wait a minute... she's right! |
That's wonderful! But still, can't you do anything for Bart? | Marge, he's five. His life is over. Lisa's the wave of the future. |
That's right, honey. If you nurture her gift now, there's no telling what she can do. | Wow. Just think of the possibilities. |
Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize. | Nah. |
Lisa Simpson has won the Nobel Prize for Kickboxing. | Hm. |
I can assure you our preschool is of the highest quality. Over seventy-five per cent of our graduates go on to first grade. | Well, our little girl has a gift and we're willing to do what it takes to help her. |
Very good. Once we receive your six thousand dollar tuition check, she's in. | I'll give ya fifty bucks. |
Our fee is non-negotiable. | Seventy-five. |
Sorry. I don't have anything to offer you unless you're a member of a minority group. | Excellente! Muchas gracias, Señorata! |
Sorry. | Ah so. |
And sometimes I feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode! Uh... I'll go start dinner now. | You do that. |
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