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Homer, sitting that close to the TV can't be good for you. | Talking while the TV's on can't be good for you. |
You should get your eyes checked. I'm taking Bart to the mall to buy camping supplies -- why don't you come along? | Nah. I want to enjoy this show before the network retools it. |
I love you, Daddy. | Too late. |
We need something quick. My husband's eyes are really shot. | Whee! Touch the sky, Maggie! Whee! Touch the sky! |
Dad, I've got Maggie. | Who said that? |
Hey, wake up. | Sorry. |
Now, read the first line. | I... 8... P.P. |
Now, read the first line. | Why you little... |
Better or worse? | Much better. |
That pair is popular with celebrities like Val Kilmer... | Oo, my favorite Door. |
And Yoko Ono... | Ew. She ruined the Plastic Ono Band. |
Maybe you're a candidate for laser eye surgery. | Would it get me out of having to choose glasses? |
Well yes, but I must warn you, it's an experimental procedure and we still don't know the long-term effects... | Less yappin', more zappin'. |
Now Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes. | Yes, dear. |
Why does it have a picture of Vitamin Barn? | Didn't you ever go to camp? The ol' Vitamin Barn... |
And you will be a dancer. | Look at you, all sugar and spice instead of equations and test tubes. |
And you will be a dancer. | You're Daddy's precious dancing queen! |
And you look adorable. | Now honey, what were you trying to say before we kept interrupting you with our loving proudness? |
But I just... need more practice. See ya! | Oh! What's that awful sound? |
Where's Lisa? | Shh! This plot is hard enough to follow as it is. |
There she is! Hi, honey! Wow, look at her go. | Yeah, that pressure we put on her really paid off! |
Stop clapping! | Go, Lisa! C'mon, everybody, give it up for my little girl! |
Oh, thanks, Dad. | I didn't think, I just acted. |
See, honey? All you needed was to believe in... | What are you talking about, Professor Frink? They're clearly in the "On" position. See? "On." |
I was merely trying to spare the girl's feelings, you insensitive clod. | Oh. Ohhhhh. Well, now that I look even closer... |
Forget it, Dad. I guess I'm never gonna be your Broadway Baby. | That's not true, honey. You can always write a depressing Broadway play of some kind. |
Sure. It could be a story about people coming to terms with things. | Hey, yeah. You could load it up with lots of swears. That's what David Mamet does. |
Uh-oh. It's out of its matrix. Nobody move. | Why? It's just a cute little weasel. Hello there, Mister weasel. |
Uh-oh. It's out of its matrix. Nobody move. | I'm down. |
Ooh, and such delicate tissue paper. Zig-Zag!? | Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! |
No knife games on the kitchen table! | I didn't hit your precious table. |
Dad, the bride and groom are supposed to cut the wedding cake! | Oh, that's just superstition. |
Becky, what have I done here? I'm so sorry. | In about fifteen minutes I'd take off that wedding dress, or you're gonna look crazy. |
Becky, I know you must feel awful. But at least this didn't happen after you were married. | Yes, better now than when you're too old and fat to get another man. |
Bart, remember that talk we had about you volunteering our house? | Remember that talk we had about you not wrecking people's weddings? |
Actually, that was Becky, too. | What are these things in the mashed potatoes? |
Well, nobody's perfect. Let me just pick those out. | No! Oh, Becky, your potatoes are the best I've ever had. |
Well, nobody's perfect. Let me just pick those out. | Oh, God. |
Be right back. | Take your time! |
Awww. / Oh, no. | Becky, I think I speak for all of us when I say "When's the ice cream gonna get here?" |
I'm not insane! | Run, Marge, run! Pump those crazy legs! |
The kids are saying if you say Bloody Margie five times, she'll appear. But then she gouges your eyes out. | I heard she mates with men, then eats them. |
Oh. Well, then, I guess there's a reasonable explanation for everything. Except you cutting my brakes! | Oh, about that. Uh -- when I changed your oil, I may have drained your brake fluid. I didn't say anything 'cause I thought you'd be mad. |
Mom! | You monsters! You've killed her! |
Oh, I've got too much to do to take a nap right now. Lisa, get Maggie out of that cage. And Homer, since you're dressed for it, I got some S & M for ya: Scrubbing and Mopping. | Thank you. |
But behind the chortles, this funny fivesome was trapped in a private hell. | Everybody wanted a piece of us. |
Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine! | Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV. |
I'd see 'em sittin' on that couch all day long... just starin' at that Hollywood hogwash. | Our favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash." But we also loved "The Dreck Squad"... |
"Home Improvement"... | But we never saw people like us on TV. |
Using his home as the studio, and his family as the cast, this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video. | "My Funny Family," take one. |
Using his home as the studio, and his family as the cast, this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video. | Aannnd action! |
Using his home as the studio, and his family as the cast, this penniless Peckinpah shot a crude five-minute video. | Honey, I'm home! The boss is coming to dinner and I need a clean shirt. |
I haven't done the laundry yet. | Mamma mia! Now I'll have to do it. |
Dad, that's too much deterge-- | Not now. I'm busy turning on this washing machine. |
Simp-son!!! Where's my dinner?! | Mamma mia! |
Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I had real chemistry onscreen. | Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up. |
The Simpsons had their foot in the door. Fox ordered thirteen episodes. But would the public respond? | ...M-E-R. Okay. |
R-U-P-E-R... | You're almost there. |
...-T. | Good. |
The funniest stuff came right out of real life. | Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes. |
Dad, I've never said "Cowabunga!" in my life. Your script sucks. | Why you little...! |
Hey, that's funny! | And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags. |
When we come back... | I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute. |
Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. It was the only way he could perform the bone-cracking physical comedy that made him a star. | Oh, my leg! This is the worst pain ever! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful! Owww! |
Somehow, Homer became addicted to painkillers. It was the only way he could perform the bone-cracking physical comedy that made him a star. | Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. |
The tax men were merciless. | Hey, they can't take our house. My pot-bellied pig is in there. |
The tax men were merciless. | Ohhhh, Mister. Porky. |
Dad, I want to go to bed. Aren't there child labor laws? | Who told you about those laws? Was it Marge? |
Something that swings, with the beat of New Orleans. | No, something that rocks. That's the sound of today. |
Swings! | Rocks! |
Sadly, this argument was not part of the act. | I'll kill you! |
Oh, that's it! | Hey, hey, stop it! |
GOT A BROTHER NAMED BILLY / AND MY TEETH LOOK SILLY / BREAK IT DOWN NOW! | Who are you! I'll get you! |
After the state fair fiasco... none of the family were speaking to each other. Fox put the show on hiatus, and replaced it with hidden camera footage from the dressing room at Ann Taylor. | That slugfest at the state fair was really a blessing. It gave us a chance to pursue solo projects. I returned to my first love, the legitimate theater. |
Oh, that must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingeley. | WHERE IS THE RENT? / I MUST HAVE THE RENT! / DOLLARS, DIMES AND NICKELS / I NEED THEM ALL RIGHT NOW! |
Oh, that must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingeley. | I literally chewed the scenery. |
That's assault! That is assault. | It was the best Thanksgiving ever. I mean, emotionally, it was terrible. But the turkey was so moist. |
Thank you, Taco, for that loving tribute to Falco. And now, to present the award for "Most Violent Rap Group," Homer Simpson! | Hi! |
And Marge Simpson! | What?! What's she doing here? |
Hug! Hug! Hug! Hug! | Yes, go on. |
The Simpsons' bitter past was forgotten, and now the future looks brighter than ever for this northern Kentucky family. | We put all the craziness behind us, and now it's time to get back to what matters: the show, and the Sunday comic strip. |
So you know it's great. | Why you little...! |
I can't believe it. We won another contest! | The Simpsons are going to Delaware! |
Why don't you read "Cathy"? She's hilarious. | Eh, too much baggage. Oo, my horoscope. Taurus: "Today you will die." |
What?! | "... and you may get a compliment from an attractive co-worker!" Lenny? |
Maybe I'd better check mine. "Today, your husband will die." Homer, I'm scared. | Ooo, scary newspaper. Don't hurt me, horoscope. I'm afraid of... |
Maybe I'd better check mine. "Today, your husband will die." Homer, I'm scared. | Ow! Oooh! Paper cut, paper cut! |
Maybe I'd better check mine. "Today, your husband will die." Homer, I'm scared. | Missed me! Stupid horoscope! |
Yeah, it's quite fetching, but, uh, aren't you worried about the deadliness? | Nah, he'll get tired of biting in an hour or so. Snakes: nature's quitters. |
No dessert until you eat your broccoli. | Fine. |
Sure is easy when they're stiff like this. And very sad. | St. Peter! Woo hoo! Got to heaven before you, Flanders! |
I wouldn't celebrate so soon, Mr. Simpson. I don't see a single good deed next to your name. | Well, the thing about that is... |
Homer, settle down. I'll give you a chance to get into Heaven. You have twenty-four hours to go back and do one good deed. | I'm sorry, I didn't get the number of hours or good deeds. |
It's a miracle! Thank Heavens! | Woo hoo! |
Oh, I'm so sorry, I wasn't looking. | Hey, I thought you guys could see everything. |
No, you're thinking of Santa Claus. | Well I'll be damned. |
I just got over the plague. | Hello, Wife! Hello, children! |
I just got over the plague. | Who's up for a merry jig? |
I just got over the plague. | Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not merry. |
I just got over the plague. | I lost my job as an oaf today. |
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