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Homer, I'm so impressed. Everything you're doing sounds so rewarding. | Oh, you should've seen their faces, honey. Now I know how Bob Stupak feels. |
How can ace be one and eleven? Huh? What kind of God would allow that? | Oh, what happened?! I gave you a glittering Vegas, and you turned it into a skanky Atlantic City! |
Why are you building chapel? | Because you're all terrible sinners. |
Since when? | Since I got here. Now either grab a stone or go to Hell. |
Since when? | Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say, we built a pretty nice cage for Him. |
No, really. | Not bad, Lisa Junior. But God's palace is way up on the moon...so if we want Him to hear us, we've gotta crank up the volume. |
No, really. | Do you hear me, Lord?! Homer's doing your work! I'm the greatest missionary of all time! Of all time! |
No, really. | Oh, no! This looks like the end! |
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - dawn) | Fire! Fire! |
EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - ESTABLISHING - dawn) | Fire! |
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic! | Get in! Move it! This is not a drill! |
You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival? | I know. I'm a character. Now a little beer music to get in the mood. |
You set off the smoke alarm to rush us to a beer festival? | Looking for these? Dee-dee-dee. |
Now, which one of you is our designated driver? | Twist off, dammit! |
Okay, our first event qualifies for course credit at Dartmouth College -- trick pouring! | Go Moe! Boo everyone else! |
Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff Calendar. | All right, guys. One, two, three. |
Don't forget, today's winner will be immortalized on our new Duff Calendar. | Moo?! Lenny, you were supposed to be "E". |
When I get home there are gonna be a lot of open pickle jars. | That one. |
Oh, boy! | Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture! |
I can't believe they put those stickers over my face. I must be the ugliest man alive. | Oh, Moe. There's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle? |
The little rat eyes... | Caveman brow... |
Or be with. | C'mon, Moe. Don't feel bad. There's too much emphasis on looks these days. That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. |
Or be with. | Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure. |
Beautiful. | Okay, now do Moe. |
So this is all real? | Oh, you dear, dear man. You're one of us beautiful people now. And your new life begins today. |
Yeah, hello yourself. I'm Moe Szyslak. Back in high school, I asked you to the Springtime Pumpkin Dance, and you turned me down. Well, I just wanted to show you the face that you coulda been kissin'. | Yeah! |
Apology? Uh, geez, I wasn't expecting that... uh... | Run! |
Okay, last stop. Channel 6. | You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers. |
Homer, whoa, whoa, Homer. Change of plans. | Whatever. |
Hey, there are women in our bar! | Hey, Moe. Beer me! |
Ah, I'm a little busy, Homer. Ah, you can pour it yourself. | Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem. |
I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club. | You don't love me. The only thing you love is your ear, nose and throat pavilion. |
I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes. But the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul. | That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on. |
Yeah, hey, I gotta gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching. And I... the feeling is indescribable. | I know what you mean. Our dog had that. |
Hmm. Looks like my character gets back together with that evil Contessa. | The one with the amulet? |
Precisely. Then I get in a skydiving accident and have to be rushed to the... graveyard?! They're killing off Dr. Tad Winslow! | What? Let me see that! "Interior Coroner's Office. Close-up on Dr. Winslow's mangled corpse. Coroner: 'Let's get that brain out and weighed, and call it a day.'" Yep, that does sound kinda bad. |
Well, how could I say no to such a captivating... | Ding-dong! |
Whoa, it's the door. | Dr. Winslooooow... |
Why, who are you? | I am an angel from the future. |
And what do you have to tell us, oh, Angel of the Future? | You're going to die in a skydiving accident. |
How tragic. Tell me more. | Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists. With sexy results. |
Ooh, that's unexpected. What else? | Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team. With sexy results. |
Stickin' it to you for killin' off my character! | Yeah! |
Nah, it's just as well. That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil... You did me a favor, Homer. And to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters... | Yeah, you were... |
Folks, you're gonna want to turn around. The bugs are firmly in charge. | What? |
Please, just go! They've taken the Visitors' Center! They, they ate the comment book! | All right! Geez... |
Hey, an Indian casino! | God bless Native America. |
Hey, an Indian casino! | Let's go, Marge. C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! |
Homer, you know I had a gambling problem. | Well, what better place to celebrate your recovery than amidst the frenzied excitement of the casino floor? Lisa? |
Ah, something troubles me about Indian gaming. On the one hand, the revenue helps the tribes... | Sure we can't talk you into it? |
Yeah, but I really wanna... | Sorry, son. Although they seem strange to us, we must respect the ways of the Indian. |
Yeah, but I really wanna... | HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA, HI-HOW-ARE-YA. |
Yo, it's me. | Oh, what a bleak, horrible future we live in! |
Don't you mean present? | Right, right, present. Anyway, can I get you some Soylent Green? |
Isn't that made of people? | Oh, here we go. |
Hey, Dad. My band finally got a break. I just need a little moolah to get my amp outta hock. How about a little loanski? | Oh, I'm tired of giving you money. Why can't you be more like Lisa? |
But I want some. | You should've thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute. |
What happened to you, man? You used to be cool. | I'm still cool. |
Nah, you've changed, man. | Well, I do have this robotic prostate, but you can't see it. Oh, you can. |
Don't you think we should wait for Lisa? She is the President. | She knows what time dinner is. |
Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't hide any gold in the White House. | Then what is his ghost protecting? |
Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold? You just started counting from an arbitrary place. | I started what from a what? |
Your plan makes no sense. | Gold bars discovered by Marge? Zero. Gold bars discovered by Homer? Well, let's just see... |
Your plan makes no sense. | Oops, sorry, honey. |
Gold bars discovered by Homer? | Shut up. |
"Dear Countryman: You have come in search of my gold, and I will not disappoint you." | Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy... |
It's in our mighty rivers, our majestic..." Well, isn't that clever? It's a metaphor. | That lying , rail-splitting , theater-going freak! |
I can't believe it only comes fifty-two times a year. | Quit gabbin' and start grabbin'. And remember, the best stuff is usually deep in the garbage juice. |
I can't believe it only comes fifty-two times a year. | See? A new pacifier for Maggie. |
He'll pay a lot to get this back. | Especially when we send it to him piece by piece. |
Dad, that's a sports bra. | All I know is, I'm finally getting the support I need. |
Ooo, Italian. | Hey, Vinnie, how's about a pizza? I got-a no job. |
Behold, I am King Talkie-Tiki! | Hey Flanders? Can your God do that? |
Do not anger Talkie-Tiki! I am all-power-- | I'll be at Moe's. |
What are you, nuts? | I threw you a party at my house. |
Mr. Gumbel, you're upsetting me. | You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk. |
Well, I'm off to market... | Marge, you're making a complete fool of yourse... Oh, it's just Barney. |
Oh, I'm a disgrace. | Disgracefully hilarious! You passed out before we could even give you your presents. |
I'll show you. I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons. | Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like drivin' a car. |
Santeria, you're the greatest! | Barney, didn't you say you were gonna stop drinking? |
I know, but it's so hard. Please help me, Homer. | You came to the right guy. I'll straighten ya out... right after I finish this beer. |
I know, but it's so hard. Please help me, Homer. | Ah, man that's sweet. Okay, let's go. |
I feel for you, pally. But, uh, you want A.A. -- this is triple A. | Oh. My name is Homer and I'm planning a trip to St. Louis. |
East St. Louis? | Is there any other St. Louis? |
Ah, welcome back, Homer. I see you've finally hit rock bottom. | Not a chance. I can sink way lower. I just came to help my friend Barney. |
Well, your recovery begins today. And we promise you all the sugar cookies and second-hand smoke you can handle. | The sugar cookies you speak of. Are they real or symbolic? |
They're on that table over there. | I don't wanna walk that far. Anything that takes twelve steps isn't worth doing. Get it? Huh? Twelve? Steps. |
Hey, Homer. Ah, no, no, no, don't sit there. Take this seat, right next to the tap. | But that's Barney's seat. Are you tryin' to make me the new Barney? |
Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging. | Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney! |
See, Homer? It's not so bad. Now dance, rummy! | Okay... |
You danced for hours just because they told you to? | If I didn't, I'd lose their respect. |
Wanna go for a ride? | Can I, Marge? Can I? |
Whoops, sorry. When I think about all the time I wasted at Moe's... | Wasted? What about our staring contests? And the way we always knew what football coaches should've done? Remember the day we jumped that Census guy and stole his clicker? |
Those are all priceless memories, Homer, but I don't want to do that stuff anymore. | Oh, so you're better than me, is that it? |
I didn't say that. | Take me home. |
Oh, don't be that way, Homer. | I'll scream. |
So how was your ride with Barney? | I don't wanna talk about it! |
So how was your ride with Barney? | Stupid Barney, thinks he's too good for me. |
Cheer up, Homie. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. | But you've got me. Who have I got? |
Well, you still have Lenny and Carl. | Lenny and Carl suck. Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, 'cause if I ever lost them as friends... |
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