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Once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place. | Oh, it's wonderful. |
Once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place. | Truly God's country. |
Once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place. | See you on the island. |
Welcome to the Magic Palace. | Okay, you can park my car, but no joyriding. |
Welcome to the Magic Palace. | Wait a minute... |
I'm receiving a drink order... Something foamy... Is it a beeee...? | Beer! Yes! How did you know? |
Don't worry, Marge. You won't feel a thing. You'll feel four things. | He's very good. |
"Ages 8 to 80." Hmm... That's me! Dad, will you get me this magic kit? | Gee, I wish I could, son, but we've already left the gift shop. |
Hmmm. Well, there's your problem. | I know that. How much to fix it? |
Ooh, well, ah, that's a foreign fish we're lookin' at... So, uh, sixty-five hundred. Plus three-fifty. | I can't afford that. |
Maybe I can make some money, Dad. My magic act is really coming along. | He couldn't breathe. |
Oh, my goodness! | Come on, pony up, Flanders. The kid's not turning tricks for nothin'. |
Oh, no! I could never support the black arts. | Black arts?! |
Hey, you guys... You're in our spot! | Okay, we'll move. We don't want any trouble, fellas. |
Dad, only one of them is real. | I know, but which one? |
Dad, only one of them is real. | Sixty cents?! I would've made more if I'd gone into work today! |
Hey, don't blame me. I gotta compete with TV, and the Internet. | A good son would come through for his dad! |
Yeah, and a good dad wouldn't miss his son's Little League games! | I told you! I find them boring. |
Well, I showed up for all your stupid interventions. | Oh, that's it! You can walk home! |
Hey, Homer! Check it out! | What the?! |
Yeah, I know a little place. | Who gave you all this money? |
People. I guess they thought I was a charity case. | Really. Hey, maybe we could do that again. Can you look even more pathetic? |
People. I guess they thought I was a charity case. | Oh ho, ho, that's beautiful! We could make a fortune. |
But wouldn't that make us con artists? | Well, yeah. But God conned me out of sixty-five hundred bucks in car repairs. |
So in a way, we'd just be balancing out the universe. | There ya go! We'd be stealing from people we know. It's just like the seasons. |
Sounds good. Wanna eat my fat? | I think you know the answer to that. |
This book has all the classic cons. There's "The Pigeon Drop," "The Ear Wigger," "The Brillstein Grab..." | They have any father-and-son grifts? |
Well, there's the "Albany Ham Scam." | Interesting. |
What are you doing? Why are you frosting that old throw pillow? | I could ask you the very same question. |
Should I just back out of the room? | Would you? |
Okay, Dad. Ready for our first con? | You bet. Let's trim the mark. |
Nice use of the lingo, Homer. | Ten-four, Kemosabe. |
No, no, no. I'll pay for the cake. | Well, you're the mark. |
No, no, no. I'll pay for the cake. | ... of integrity. |
Wow, look at all this loot! What should we buy first? | A singing rubber fish, of course. |
There you are. How was the magic act? | What in the hell are you talking about? |
There you are. How was the magic act? | Oh, right, the magic. The magic was great. It's really... the way to go. |
Or so it would seem... | Suckers. |
I just gotta get him back!... Or if not him, a similar dog... | Dog for sale! |
I just gotta get him back!... Or if not him, a similar dog... | Dog for sale! |
Dad? | Yes, son? |
Why are we still grifting? The car's paid for. Doesn't that balance out the universe? | In a way. But I also remembered some other stuff... like my bike that was stolen in third grade. Plus the baldness. |
Okay, I'm sold. | Hello, is the lady of the house in? |
Oh, no, Homer, remember? Maudie got called up to Heaven. | Oh, of course, of course. It's just that... |
What? | Well, before she died, she ordered this Bible especially for you. |
Why, there's my name in gold. | Now, you weren't home, so we had to pay the delivery man... |
Amateurs! | Dad? |
That's right. | How'd you get wise to us? |
Yeah, in the Depression, you had to grift. Either that, or work. | So what's the pitch, old man? |
Oh, why not? If we don't take their money, they'll just give it to some televangelist. | Let's dust a few fossils. |
I'm Abe Simpson. | You've just won 10 million dollars from that Publisher's Cleary-dealie! |
Yeah, I'm gonna get me the craziest, strippiest... | He's dead. |
Oh, this is terrible. Now who do we give the money to? | I guess we'll just have to haul the check back to headquarters. Too bad we couldn't just give it to these nice folks. |
Forget it, Ed. Do you know what it costs to sign over a check this big? Why, the wealth transfer fee would run at least a hundred dollars a head. | You're right. We'd better just take this check back for shredding. |
Ext. retirement castle - porch - continuous) | Thank you... no shoving... that's right, put your money in here... all of it... Is that everyone? |
Ext. retirement castle - porch - continuous) | What's your problem, Sport? Afraid to be rich? |
Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam! | So we're under arrest for fraud? |
Well, this is about the flashiest car I've ever impounded. | Thanks, woo, it took a lotta grifting. |
Please, FBI man, don't throw us in jail. We just made one mistake. | Yeah. We're not criminals. We're just two crazy, mixed-up kids. |
Hmm... Okay, tell you what. I'll let you turn yourselves in. Maybe they'll go easier on you. | You'd do that for us? |
Well, I did ruin the boy's birthday cake. Go on in. But I'll be watching. | Okay, thank you, sir. |
Okay, we're all locked up now... | Yeah. Ya big idiot... |
That's not an FBI badge. | Colgate Cavity Patrol? |
That guy was a grifter! | Yeah, he conned us good. Well, at least we still have our jobs at the sweepstakes place. |
That guy was a grifter! | What? |
You were carjacked in the church parking lot?! | Absolutely. We had stopped in for a quick prayer, when... Bart, would you call him a crazy man? |
What did he look like? | Well, hmm, let's see, he was foreign and he had some... |
Anything else? | Uh, well, he seemed like a loner... kept to himself, mostly. |
Oh, dear. We don't want that. | Anyhoo, the whole nightmare has really made us sleepy. Let's hit the hay. |
Homie! Homie, wake up! They've captured your crazed foreign carjacker! | Huh? But that's impossible. |
I didna do it, I tell ya. | Uh-oh. |
What do you care, loner? | Well, look at that. But who called the police? |
Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us! | 'Course he did, son. He's a filthy crook. Now, let's all hit the hay. |
Dad, Willie got arrested 'cause of us! | I guess you haven't heard of chloroform. |
Dad, we've got to tell everyone the truth. | Let's see how this plays out. |
Mr. Simpson, could you describe your assailant to the court? | I told you, my memory is fuzzy. Fuzzy! |
Dad! Tell them! | When the time is right... |
Daa-ad! | Let's see where he's going with this... |
Willie! As your employer, I insist that you... | Stop! This has gone on just long enough. |
Willie! As your employer, I insist that you... | Nobody carjacked me. I tried to pull a con and got conned myself. And then I lied to you all! So did Bart. |
Wait a minute. This whole thing was a set-up?! | But Skinner got shot! |
Yeah, we hornswoggled you good. | But what about the guy who took my car? |
He's doing "Dreamcoat" at the dinner theater. | I can't believe everyone was in on it. |
Willie wasn't! | Wait a minute. You're telling me the police force, the TV news, a courthouse full of people, and a popular entertainer had nothing better to do than to teach me and Bart a lesson? |
Well, I'm gonna take the Broncos in this game. 'Cause the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. | Heh, heh, heh. Tremendous. |
Well, folks, he's got a point. Uh, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about... | Lenny, are you watching this? |
Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings. | I know! |
Ready for the circus, Homer? | Circus? |
The Cirque de Purée. We've had tickets since Septembre. | But I wanna watch Bret Favre! |
Finally, a circus full of whimsy and wonder. | Oh, yeah, that's way better than fun and excitement. |
As French Canadians, they don't believe in refunds, or exploiting animals for entertainment. | I wanted to see 'em fire a gorilla out of a cannon. |
But I cannot help you. I am just a local merchant from, uh... this town. | Just smash it open! |
Mesdames et messieurs, it appears the Cloud Goddess is ripe with rain babies. We must run for our trucks. | Oh no you don't! I paid full price for this freak show. Now nourish the child within me! Nourish... |
Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! | One snow angel, comin' up. |
Lenny says we've got the day off! Yippee! | Ahh, why does that always happen? |
This is terrible. How will the kids get home? | I 'unno... Internet? |
Well, I'm all for rescuing the kids, but I wish you hadn't sawed off my roof. | My car, your roof. It's only fair. |
But it's my car. | Well, yeah. |
Oh! I think we hit something. | I hope it's Flanders. I'm just kidding. Hey, you're all right. |
Catchy song, all right. You really wrote it? | Yeah, as a tribute to Princess Di. And Dodi. Because these days, princesses... |
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