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I feel a good deal as JOE did. Anybody who hain't got any more frends
than you have, Mr. SAMPSON, has my sympathy.
For bringin' these _hily morril_ and _refined_ Monongohelians to
Massachusetts is a big feather in your cap, and you will receive your
reward bime-bye.
"The wages of sin is death."
But the wages of a Chin... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
Another of the SAMPSONS wouldn't even chop off MARIAR ANTERNETTE'S head
until her hair had been cut off, so he could peel her top-knot off slick
and cleen.
Lookin' back at these cheerful antsisters of your'n, it's no wonder you
go in for long haired labor. It runs in the SAMPSON blood.
The public is cussin' you from D... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
As (owing to the present facilities of freighting, etc.,) the Potatoes
of Pendleton may eventually find the New York market, which always
invites the superior esculent, we would like to suggest to Mr. JOHNSON
that this Mixture be administered to the Bug with a spoon, and not
sprinkled promiscuously on the ground. We h... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
* * * * *
"Omnibus Hoc," etc.
What is the difference between theft in an omnibus and the second deal
at cards?
One is a Game of the Stage, and the other is a Stage of the Game.
* * * * *
OUR AGRICULTURAL COLUMN.
Memorabilia of "What I Know About Farming."
P... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
Numerous efforts have been made to suppress this vegetable, among which
may be reckoned, "Father, dear Father, come home with me now," Brother
GOUGH'S circus, and the parades of the F.M.T.A.B. Societies. Maine and
Vermont Neal together in the front rank of its opponents. In Boston they
tried to suppress this vegetable... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
Emmet is a name which has heretofore been associated in the public mind
with the Negro Minstrel business. Certain weird barbaric melodies, which
defy all laws of musical composition, but which haunt one like a dream
of a lonely night on some wild African ri... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
(_Various emigrants enter and are hustled off by the runners_. FRITZ
_and_ KATRINA _finally appear_.)
FRITZ. "Ja. Das ist gut. Ach himmel; zwei bier und Limburger."
(_The runners seize his trunk and carry it off. The_ DISSOLUTE COLONEL
_hurries_ KATRINA _into a coach and carries her off_. FRITZ _is carried
away by his... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
BOY IN THE GALLERY. "Ain't he just tip, though? I've seen him lots o'
times at TONY PASTOR'S, and I allers knowed he'd be a big thing if the
Bowery or thishyer theatre got a hold on him."
YOUNG LADY. "Isn't it frightfully low? The idea of Mr. WALLACK
permitting this negro minstrelsy in his theatre. To be sure Mr. EMME... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
* * * * *
CONDENSED CONGRESS.
SENATE.
A pleasant philosopher tells us that blessings brighten as they take
their flight. The flight of Congress may be regarded as a blessing. But
Congressmen do not brighten. PUNCHINELLO listens in vain for the swan
song of SUMNER, and looks longingly, wi... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
HOUSE.
SCHENCK insisted upon the Tariff. He had been visited by
delegations from the great heart of the nation, who assured him that the
great heart of the nation yearned for an immediate increase of the duty
on various articles which competed with the articles manufactured by the
members of the delegation. No longer ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
Mr. DAWES said that altered the case entirely. He took pleasure in
withdrawing his hasty remarks, and in assuring the House that he
profoundly venerated PETERS, and that PETERS had two perfect eyes of
unusual expressiveness.
Mr. BINGHAM called attention to the case of Mr. PORTER, who had been
smitten on the nose by a ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
* * * * *
Men and Manners
The following paragraph, cut from a newspaper, suggests a good deal:
"A Hindoo cabby, before mounting the box and taking the reins, always
first prays that his driving may be to the glory of his God."
Now this is precisely what the New York hackman invariably ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
PUNCHINELLO.
The first number of this Illustrated Humorous and Satirical Weekly Paper
was issued under date of April 2, 1870. The Press and the Public in
every State and Territory of the Union endorse it as the best paper of
the kind ever published in America.
CONTENTS ENTIRELY ORIGINAL.
Subscription for one year, (w... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
Sunset in California. (Bierstadt) 18-1/2 x 12
Easter Morning. 14 x 21.
Corregio's Magdalen. 12-1/4 x 16-3/8.
Summer Fruit, and Autumn Fruit. (Half chromos,)
15-1/2 x 10-1/2, (companions, price $10.00 for the two), for $10.00
Remittances should be made in P.O. Orders, Drafts, or Bank Checks on New
York, or Registered ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 18, July 30, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10014 | |||
and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| CONANT's |
| PATENT BINDERS |
| FOR |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Vol. 1. No. 19.
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
* * * * *
See 15th Page for Extra Pr... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
THE
MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
CHAPTER XII--(Continued.)
The pauper burial-ground toward which they now progress in a rather
high-stepping manner, or--to vary the phrase--toward which their steps
are now very much bent, is not a favorite resort of the more cheerful
village people afte... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
"Mr. McLAUGHLIN," he solemnly remarks, waving his umbrella at the graves
around, "in this scene you behold the very last of man's individual
being. In this entombment he ends forever. Tremble, J. McLAUGHLIN!
--forever. Soul and Spirit are but unmeaning words, according
to the latest big things in science. The departed... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
To the spot thus historied the two moralists of the moonlight come now,
and, with many tumbles, Mr. McLAUGHLIN removes certain artfully placed
stones and rubbish, and lifts a clumsy extemporized trap-door. Below
appears a ricketty old step-ladder leading into darkness.
"I heard such cries and groans down there, last C... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Once more, what a strange expedition is this! How strangely the eyes of
the two men look, after two or three more applications to the antique
flask; and how curiously Mr. Bumstead walks on tip-toe at times and
takes short leaps now and then.
"Lesh go now," says BUMSTEAD, after both have been asleep upon their feet
sev... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
"I'morth'larrer!" he cries, spiritedly.
"Th'larrer's on me!" answers Mr. MCLAUGHLIN, in evidently great
bewilderment.
Then ensue a momentary wild struggle and muffled crash; for each
gentleman, coming blindly upon the other, has taken the light glimmering
at the other's back for the light at the top of the ladder, and... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
"You wretched little tarrier!" he cries in a fury, "you've been spying
around to-night, to find out something about my Spiritualism that may be
distorted to injure my Ritualistic standing."
"I ain't done nothing; and you jest drop me, or I'll knock spots out of
yer!" carols the stony young child. "I jest come to have ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
_Sorosis_--It was very wrong for your husband to mention the muddy
coffee. However, we advise you to attempt a settlement of such troubles
without creating a public scandal.
_Butcher Boy_.--You cannot succeed as a writer of "lite comidy" if you
continue to weave such tragic spells. "The Lean Larder" would not be an
at... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
* * * * *
THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.
As a good many persons know, LA GISELLE is a ballet whose hundred legs
are nightly displayed on the stage of the GRAND OPERA HOUSE.
The _Twelve Temptations_ have ceased to tempt, and the familiar legs of
LUPE no longer allure. But in their place we have KAT... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
(A joke might be made on the words coolly and Coolie. The reader may mix
to his own taste. It's too hot for any one to make jokes for other
people.)
But _La Giselle_? Yes! yes! I am just ready to speak of it. _La Giselle_
is a grand ballet in which an elaborate plot is developed by the toes of
some fifty young ladies.... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
MATADOR.
* * * * *
JUPITER BELLICOSUS.
Truly, PUNCHINELLO, this is an age of progress. Wars of succession
are no more. Absolutism must forever hang its head. Fling a glance at
France; peer into Prussia, _Vox populi_ is the voice of the King, and
the voice of the king is therefore _vox ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
The spirit of my uncle has its eye upon you. Ambition was no part of his
nature. His struggles were all for the good of France, "which he loved
so much," as he himself said at his country-seat at St. Helena. Marshal,
then, to the notes of the _Marseillaise_, which I now generously permit
you to sing.
The Gallic rooste... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
* * * * *
Our Future Millionaires.
Once let the Celestials get our American way of doing business, and
there will be plenty of China ASTORS among us.
* * * * *
THE POEMS OF THE CRADLE.
CANTO II.
"Hey! Diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle
The ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
"The cow jumped over the moon."
Perhaps the sight was a sufficient re-moon-eration to him for his past
troubles; and the exhilaration of his spirits caused him to dance, to
cut pigeon-wings, and otherwise gaily disport himself; consequently,
"The little dog laughed to see the sport,"
which every intellig... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
In my boarding-house I am shunned as if I had the plague. When I enter
the parlor or dining-room, I see the ladies look at each other with a
knowing air, as much as to say, "Look at him!" And the answer is
telegraphed back, "Ain't he handsome? but he knows it," as if I could
help knowing it with every one telling me s... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
But who will have me? I put it to you, my friend, if it isn't a hard
case. I want an intelligent and agreeable wife, and one that comes of a
respectable family. I don't think I am asking too much, but it seems
fate has determined such a one I can never have! I have either to remain
single, or take one that is "ignoran... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
PAT eyed PUNCHINELLO askance with an expression which plainly enough
said that he did not believe we had been reared to tell the truth
strictly upon all occasions, and then added:
"Bad cess to your manners, then, don't I know betther nor that; for
haven't I been in the church these forty years, and sorrow a sowl ever
... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Cut SMIRCH. SMIRCH is a worthless fellow. Would you believe it? his
father makes boot-pegs for a living. The house of WIGGINS cannot consort
with the son of one who pegs along in life in this manner! Never. Banish
SMIRCH. Don't let SMIRCH even look at your footprints on the beach.
Then there is Mr. BLUSTER. What is he... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
* * * * *
[Illustration: LUCIFERS LITTLE GAME WITH HIS ROYAL PUPPETS.]
* * * * *
HIRAM GREEN'S EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR.
Lively Times in the Editorial Sanctum.--The "Lait Gustise" handled
Roughly.
"Whooray! Whooray!" I exclaimed, rushin' into the kitchen doo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Deekin PERKINS got beat when they come to "saw off."
Said this pious man:
"If old GREEN don't chaw his words, I'll bust his gizzard."
The farmers met at SIMMINSES store. After tryin' on the garment about
steelin' wood, it was hard to decide who the coat fit the best, but each
one made up his mind to pay off an old gru... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
At this he let fly his rite bute at my cote skirts.
I was home-sick, you can jest bet. Then t'other chap let me have it.
"Down stairs with him," sed they both, and down I went, pooty lively for
an old man.
Just as I got to the bottom I lit on a man's head. It was Deekin PERKINS
comein' to "bust my gizzard."
"Hevings a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
HIRAM: GREEN, ESQ.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._
* * * * *
COMIC ZOOLOGY
Order, Cetacea.--The Right (and wrong) Whale.
The largest of the Cetacea is the Right whale, of which--so persistently
is it hunted down--there will soon be but few Left. Some flippant jokist
has remarked that the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
All the whale family, though apparently phlegmatic, are somewhat given
to Blowing up, and, when about to die, instead of taking the matter
coolly and philosophically, they are always terribly Flurried. In fact,
the whale, when in _articulo mortis_, makes a more tremendous rumpus
about its latter end than any other ani... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
"My first is a useless expense.
My second is a useless expense.
My third is a useless expense.
My fourth is a useless expense.
My fifth is a useless expense.
My sixth is a useless expense,
and so is my eighth, ninth, tenth, and eleventh, and all the rest
of my parts, of which there are ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
The sea was just as smooth as glass!
And the wind all died away!
There was not enough left to ruffle a squirrel's tail. How absurd the
situation! How could he ever be dashed helpless upon the rocks under
such circumstances?
The tide was setting in, and as he gradually drifted towards the land,
he saw the storied rocks... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
The boat was almost full now. It would sink before she saw it! That hole
must be stopped until he had drifted near enough to give vent to an
agonizing cry for help.
Having nothing else convenient, Mr. P. clapped into the hole a lot of
manuscripts which he had brought with him for consideration.
(Correspondents who may... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
At last, wet, bleeding, ragged, scratched, and feint, he reached the
shore. Said IDA, as she supported him towards her dwelling: "How did you
ever come to be wrecked on such a day as this?"
Mr. P. hesitated. But with such a noble creature, the truth would surely
be the best. He told her all.
"Oh!" said he. "Dear girl,... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Mr. JOHN SMITH wanted to marry her for herself alone, though he had made
inquiries and knew all about that $100,000.
Thus it was.
II.
"That's all!" Miss VAVASOUR had said.
But was it all? She thought it was matrimony; J.S. thought it was matter
o' money, and J.S. had a long head--an awfully long head.
Mr. JOHN SMITH s... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
MORAL.
A word to the wise. Go and do like-wise. LOT.
* * * * *
Gummy.
The following is from a Western paper:
"At Council Buffs, Iowa, a woman who don't chew gum is out of style, and
gets the cold shoulder."
Our comment upon the above is that there must be very little gumshun
among the wo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
During the time we remained stationary, the Bottle, I am sorry to say,
kept going Round. All the excursionists except myself got half seas
over, and when we resumed our voyage the steersman had fallen asleep, so
the vessel left a Wake behind her which was extremely crooked.
We anchored that night outside Sandy Hook, a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
Yours Reverentially,
CHINCAPEN.
* * * * *
The Pillar of Salt (Lake.)
Lot's (of) Wife.
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| A. T. Stewart & Co. |
... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
[Illustration: A CHINAMAN'S FUNERAL]
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| PRANG'S LATEST PUBLICATIONS: "Wild Flowers," "Water-Lilies," |
| "Chas. Dickens." |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 19, August 6, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10015 | |||
and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| CONANT'S |
| |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Vol. 1. No. 21.
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
The
MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
CHAPTER XIV.
CLOVES FOR THREE.
Christmas Eve in Bumsteadville. Christmas Eve all over the world, but
especially where the English language is spoken. No sooner does the
first facetious star wink upon this Eve, than all the English-speaking
millions of th... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Three men are to meet at dinner in the Bumsteadian apartments on this
Christmas Eve. How has each one passed the day?
MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON, in his room in Gospeler's Gulch, reads Southern
tragedies in an old copy of the _New Orleans Picayune,_ until two
o'clock, when he hastily tears up all his soiled paper collars, p... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"--You'd literally exhaust me into not going? Certainly you would," he
returns, confidently. "First, my head would ache from the constant
noise; then it would spin; then I should grow faint and hear you less
distinctly; then your voice, although you were talking-on the same as
ever, would sound like a mere steady hum ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"Dear old JACK!" thinks EDWIN to himself, pocketing his watch as he
walks away; "he thinks just twice as much of me as any one else in the
world, and I should feel doubly grateful."
As dusk draws on, the young fellow, returning from a long walk, espies
an aged Irish lady leaning against a tree on the edge of the turnp... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
There are Ritualistic services at Saint Cow's, and he renders the
organ-accompaniments with such unusual freedom from reminiscences of the
bacchanalian repertory, that the Gospeler is impelled to compliment him
as they leave the cathedral.
"You're in fine tone to-day, BUMSTEAD. Not quite so much volume to your
playing... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
At morning comes a hush on nature; the sun arises with that innocent
expression of countenance which causes some persons to fancy that it
resembles Mr. GREELEY after shaving; and there is an evident desire on
the part of the wind to pretend that it has not been up all night.
Fallen chimnies, however, expose the airy f... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
* * * * *
ALL HAIL!
The most fearful weapon yet brought into the field of war--if we are to
believe newspaper correspondents--is the revolving grape-shot gun known
as the "hail-thrower," a piece of ordnance said to be in use by the
French and Prussian armies, alike. If half we hear about... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Things being thus, what can be more charming than a rural excursion to
some tangled thicket, the very brambles, and poison-ivy, and possible
copperhead snakes of which are points of unspeakable value to a picnic
party, because they are sensational, and one cannot have them in the
city without rushing into fabulous ext... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Select all the fat women of the party, and seat them in a ring outside
the rest of the picnickers, and with their faces toward the centre of
the circle. In the event of a discharge of missiles this will be found a
very effective _cordon_--quite as effective, in fact, as the feather
beds used in the making up of barric... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
* * * * *
THE ORIGIN OF PUNCHINELLO.
MR. PUNCHINELLO: Though aware that you "belong to Company G," and must
not be bothered, I wish to ask whether you are descended from the famous
chicken-dealer of Sorrento, who sold fowls in Naples, and was well-known
in that fun-loving city for the hu... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Here, too, in these fertile regions, were to be seen those exquisite
floral creations known as mint-juleps, the absence of which in our
Northern agricultural exhibitions can never be sufficiently deplored.
Witness the beauty of the design and the ingenious delicacy of the
execution of one of the humblest of the specie... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"You know me, then?" said Mr. P.
"I do," replied the other, and proceeding with his recital, he said,
"You may have heard that a number of negro squatters were lately ejected
from a private estate in this State, after they had made the grounds to
blossom like the rose, and to bring forth like the herring."
"Yes, I hea... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
The gentle PEYTON made no answer, but walked away, and after supper, one
of the boarders took Mr. P. aside and urged him to excuse their host, as
he was obliged to make the joke in question to every guest. The
obligation was in his lease.
So the matter blew over.
Reflecting, however, that if he had to pay so much for ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
My own infant-mind was tampered with in the same manner; and after I had
committed the poem to memory I was proudly called up by my fond and
doting parents to display my infantile acquirements before admiring
visitors. The result might have been foreknown. All my infancy and youth
passed away, and I never once perceiv... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Meanwhile the two little sympathizing companions toiled up the steep
hill, drinking in with every inhalation of the balmy air copious
draughts of the new-found elixir of life. "Soft eyes looked love to eyes
that spake again,"[2] and their hearts melted beneath each tender glance.
The little chubby hands that grasped t... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"And GILL came tumbling after."
The catastrophe was witnessed by the assembled family, who hastened to
the bleeding victims of parental injustice, and endeavored to do all
that was possible to restore life to the mangled forms of the two who
loved when living, and in death were not divided.
But all in vain. They... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Do not misunderstand me. I lived happily, very happily, with my sainted
BELINDA--it must be confessed that she had a striking partiality for
sardines, which caused considerable of a decrease in the profits of my
wholesale and retail grocery establishment. I cherish no resentment on
that account, but, as you probably w... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
If they come to-night--if they dare to come--I will give them a dose
which they will remember.
My dear sir, what can I do to rid myself of these annoyances? The girl
has been to boarding-school, and so can't be sent there again. She has
no friends or relations whom it would be advisable to put her off upon.
Assist me ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
It has a bayonet its nose, in which is a skwirt gun charged with
pizen.
It has no hesitation, whatsoever, of shovin' it's pitch-fork into a
human bein', and when a feller feels it, it makes him think old
SOLFERINO has come for him, and no mistake.
The sirname of this sleep-distroyin' animile, is Muskeeter. And they
li... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
The Commander then mounted ontop of the wash-stand, and helpin' hisself
to a chaw of tobacker out of my box, which lay aside him, the old
scoundrel commenced firin' his tobacker juice in my new white hat. "See
here, Kernal," said I, somewhat riled at seein' him make a spittoon of
my best 'stove-pipe,' "if it's all the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
There I lay on the floor, puffin' and blowin' like a steem ingine, while
the hull army was dancin' a war dance around my prostrate figger, and
the old Kernal was cuttin' down a double shuffle on the wash-stand,
which made the crockery rattle.
I kicked at 'em as they would charge on my feet and l--limbs. I grabbed
at '... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"Done," said he, "trot out your benzine."
I opened the burow drawer, and took out a black bottle.
I pulled the cork and filled all the glasses, then poured a lot into the
wash-bowl, when I handed the bottle to the Kernal.
"Make ready! Take aim! Drink!" Down went the licker.
I laffed a revengeful laff, as every condemn... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
But, thanks to the recent growth of practical sense--or the decline of
the inventive faculty--in writers for the young, a better day is
dawning, and there is still some hope for the world. Men of sense and
morality are coming forward: they dedicate their minds to this
service--those practical minds whence will be extr... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
"When I was a boy, I said to my uncle one day, 'How did you
get your finger cut off?' and he said, 'I was chopping a
stick one evening, and the hatchet cut off my finger.'"
Blessings, blessings on the man who thus embalmed this touching
incident! Who does not see that the reign of fiction is over!
That the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
And where everything has been inspired by the love of Truth, even the
cuts may teach something. If "a canoe," contrary to the general
impression, is at least as long as "a ship," it is very important that
children should so understand it; and if "a pin-fish" is really as big
as "a shark," no mistaken deference to the ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO CORRESPONDENCE
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
_Derrick_.--There is a superstition afloat that, if you see a ladder
hoisted against a house, and, instead of passing outside the ladder you
pass under it, some accident or affliction will befall you. What about
this?
_Answe... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
_Sempronius_.--Would you advise me to commit suicide by hanging?
_Answer_.--No. If you are really bound to hang, we would advise you to
hang about some nice young female person's neck instead of by your own:
it's pleasanter.
_Wacks_.--Yes, the Alaska seal contracts will undoubtedly include the
great Seal of the United... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
WALL STREET, 10-1/2 A.M.--The market opened briskly with a tendency
towards DELMONICO'S for early refreshments. Eye-openers in active
demand. Brokers have undergone an improvement.
11 A.M.--On the strength of a rumor that a gold dollar had been seen in
an up-town jewelry store, gold declined 1.105.
11.15 A.M.--In cons... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
P.S. I haven't found out what St. Paul preferred. What's-his-name don't
mention it in his Commentaries.
HALF-PAST THREE.--Sudden demand for New York Amusement Co.'s Stock.
HARRY PALMER to reopen Tammany with a grand scalping scene in which the
TWEED tribe of Indians will appear in aboriginal costume. NORTON, GENET,
an... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
BINGEN ON THE RHINE.
From fountains bright at fair Versailles,
And gardens of St. Cloud--
With a rooster of the Gallic breed
To cock-a-doodle-do--
Behold! our Prince Imperial comes,
And in his hands a lance,
That erst he'll cross with German spears
For glory and ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
That distant Rhineland, trembling,
May hear his battle-cry,
And neutral nations wondering ask,
"_Oh! how is this far high?_"
Our private dispatches from the seat of war in Europe are very
confusing. The "Seat" appears to be considerably excited, but the "War"
takes things easily, and seems ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
Dear PRIM: The thing has been satisfactorily explained to me, and I
accept. Enclosed find a bottle of Schnapps. You never tasted Schnapps
like this. The Duchess says she don't care a cuss for NAP, and that I
mustn't neither.
--LEOPOLD, SIGMARINGEN-HOHENZOLLERN.
This is a veritable account of the origin of the European... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
[Illustration: A PASSAGE FROM CENTRAL PARK.
_Whittier's Barefoot Boy_. "O GOLLY! WHAT A SHAME FOR THAT OLD CUSS TO
CHUCK THE STUMP OF HIS CIGAR INTO THE LAKE, 'STEAD OF DROPPING IT WHERE
A FELLOW COULD PICK IT UP!"]
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 21, August 20, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 25 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10016 | |||
and PG Distributed Proofreaders
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| CONANT'S |
| |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Vol. I. No. 23.
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD, By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
* * * * *
See 15th page for Extra ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by the
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY, in the Clerk's Office of the District
Court of the United States, for the Southern District of New York.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD:
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR.
CHAPTER XVI.... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
His hair, collar, and shoulders being very wet from the water which had
been poured upon him during his slumber, Mr. BUMSTEAD, in his present
newly-awake frame of mind, believed that a hard shower had taken place,
and thereupon turned moody.
"We've had quite a rain, sir, since I saw you last," he repeated,
gloomily, "... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Noting his agitation, Mr. BUMSTEAD instantly resolved to clear him from
suspicion in the new-comer's mind also.
"Reverend Sir," he said to the Gospeler, quickly, "in this sad affair we
must be just, as well as vigilant I believe Mr. DIBBLE to be as innocent
as ourselves. Whatever may be his failings so far as liquor i... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
News of the event circulating, the public mind of Bumsteadville lost no
time in deploring the incorrigible depravity of Southern character, and
recollecting several horrors of human Slavery. It was now clearly
remembered that there had once been rumors of terrible cruelties by a
PENDRAGON family to an aged colored man... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
After reading these articles in the Great Dailies with considerable
distraction, and inferring therefrom, that at least three different
young Southerners had killed three different young Northerners in three
different places on Christmas-Eve, Judge SWEENEY had a rush of blood to
the brain, and discharged MONTGOMERY PE... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
So, MONTGOMERY PENDRAGON went forth from Gospeler's Gulch to seek harbor
where he might; and, a day or two afterwards, Mr. BUMSTEAD exhibited to
Mr. SIMPSON the following entry in his famous Diary.
"No signs of that umbrella yet. Since the discovery of the watch and
seal-ring, I am satisfied that my umbrella, only, wa... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
I had a little conversation with the Eminent and Aged Free Lover who
acted as my guide, and I give it in the manner of the "interviewing
reporter."
CHINC. Venerable Seer, tip us your views on the subject of Love.
AGED FREE-LOVER Do you then take an Interest in our Principles?
CHINC. (Dubiously.) Then you _have_--
A. F... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
CHINCAPIN.
* * * * *
[Illustration: LACONIC, BUT EXPRESSIVE.
SCENE: NEIGHBORHOOD OF THE FIVE POINTS
_First Ruffian._ "WHERE TO NOW, SNOOTY?"
_Second Ditto._ "PICNIC."
_First Ditto._ "WOTTERYER GOT IN YER LUNCH WALLET?"
_Second Ditto._ "SLUNG SHOT."]
* * * * ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Astronomical.
A NEW Milky Way has been discovered. It is the way the milk producers
(farmers, not cows,) of Westchester County have of insisting upon
raising their charges for milk from four cents to five cents a quart,
wholesale. We fail to discern the milk of human kindness, here; but it
is clear that the milk in th... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
* * * * *
THE WATERING PLACES.
Punchinello's Vacation.
When we visit ordinary places of summer resort, we require no particular
outfit, (it being remembered that the "we" alluded to comprehends only
males,) excepting a suitable supply of summer clothes. But when we go to
the Adirondacks,... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
These hungry creatures, these black-flies; midges; mosquitoes; yellow
bloodsuckers; poison-bills; corkscrew-stingers; hook-tailed hornets; and
all the rest of them settled down upon him until they covered him like a
suit of clothes. A warmer welcome was never extended to a traveller in a
strange land.
In case his read... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Mr. P. 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0--1.
Trout 6 9 8 7 9 9 9 9 9--75.
That afternoon Mr. MURRAY took the party to Crystal Brook, Shanty Brook,
Mainspring Brook, Tenement Brook, and more little mountain gutters of
the kind than you could count on your fingers and toes. As an
aristocratic residence, this region is certai... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
(Readers of this paper are requested to skip the above, as those are Mr.
MURRAY'S private opinions, and not the statements he makes in public,
and his desire to keep them dark should be respected.)
It may be of interest to his patrons to know that Mr. P. arrived home
safely and with whole bones.
* * ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
Like others of his stamp, the Colonel amounts to something just where he
is, but take him anywhere else, he'd be a first-class, eighteen carat
fraud.
Awhile ago, the Colonel bought a goat for his little boy to drive in
harness, and the animal often grazed at the foot of a cliff, near the
house. One day, a man wanderin... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
"No, sir, it was 'cos I couldn't find no worms for bait."
Somehow or other these good boys always turn out humbugs.
It is hardly good taste to introduce anything of a pathetic nature in an
article intended to be humorous, but the following displays such
infinite depth of tenderness, fortified by strength of mind, tha... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 | |||
These springs differ from the European springs in that they were not
discovered by the Romans. The Latin conquerors never roamed so far, and
it was perhaps a good thing for them that they didn't, Sulphur water
could not have agreed with Romans any more than it agrees with Yankees
who take whiskey with it. I was asked ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 23, September 3, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 16 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10017 |
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