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"And how does our young friend enjoy himself, Mr. SIMPSON, in the
retreat which I had the honor of commending to you for him?"
The visitor replied, that his young friend's retreat, by its very
loftiness, was calculated to inspire any occupant with a room-attic
affection.
"And how, and when, and where did you leave Mr.... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"Who are you?" exclaimed the Southern youth, much struck by the funereal
aspect, sexton-like dress, and inordinately long countenance of the
pallid, light-haired intruder.
"Pardon! pardon!" answered he at the window, with much solemnity. "I am
a proprietor of the Comic Paper down below, and am eluding the man who
come... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
The science of Universology, as so delightfully unfolded by Mr. ANDREWS,
is one that must ere long overtop and engulf all others, seeing that it
is, of itself, the science which embodies and contains all. It teaches
that the universe exists in time and space--a fact never discovered till
now--or that, rather, it exist... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"Water, water, everywhere,
And not a drop to drink,"
and give up all personal interest in the homogeneous relations arising
from too precipitate a ratiocination of events, urging, at the same
time, the positive proportions exercised in the administration of a not
over particular dormitory, and the replication ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
I rode up in the regular conveyance, and soon after my arrival found
myself standing on the spacious and elegant piazza of
THE CHARNEL HOUSE,
a palatial structure erected by the late Mr. CHARNEL, who is said to
have lavished an immense fortune upon it. Strictly speaking, he didn't
lavish quite so much paint on the fro... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
FISHING.
Everybody fishes. There are all varieties, from speckled trout and
mackerel, up to conger eels, horse mackerel, and porpoises. Parties
frequently come back with all the fishing they want. If absent a week on
a trip, they can make arrangements to have their board run on just the
same.
DRIVING.
Everybody drives... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
No one who is not looked up to by a crowd of grateful dependents, all
fattening in the shadow of his prosperity, as it were, can understand
Mr. P's. feelings of responsibility at such times.
Such an unusual demand upon his time occurred last week, and Mr. P.
found that he would not be able to spend a few days as usual... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
It was one of the thousand islands!
What could be done now?
The steersman, who had slipped under a seat when he saw the great mass
above him, and the man who managed the sails, were both Canadians, and
after a great deal of excited talk, they agreed if Mr. P. would make it
worth their while, they would endeavor to put... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
On his way home, he stopped for supper at Albany, and there he met CYRUS
W. FIELD and Commodore VANDERBILT. One of these gentlemen was looking
very happy and the other very doleful.
(Illustration: The tall gentleman in the picture is Mr. FIELD--not that
he is really so very tall--but he is elevated. The short one is t... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
And what are the New York Rendering Company, and to whom do they render,
and what? Lard bless you! sir, or madam, they comprise a thing that
lives, if not by the sweat of its brow, at least by the suet of its
boilers. The dead horses of the city car companies are the creature's
normal food. Nor does it despise smaller... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
And when their boiling nuisances come to be seized, as we trust they
will be, how jolly to see them "rendering to Seizer" all that has
rendered them the nuisance they are! Then let them render up the ghost,
and go out spluttering, like a dip candle from one of their own rancid
renderings--and so an end of them.
... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
* * * * *
[Illustration: A SCENE FROM OLD NICK-OLOS NICK-OLBY.
THE EMPEROR DE MANTALINI GOING TO THE "DEMNITION BOW-WOWS."]
* * * * *
OUR POLICE REPORT.
On Tuesday last a suspicious looking man was arrested by the police, and
taken to the One Hundred and Fo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
A gentleman connected with the velocipede interest, whose name our
reporter did not catch, here stated that he became acquainted with
prisoner nearly two years ago, while the velocipede frenzy was at its
height. He had constructed to order for the prisoner a peculiar
velocipede called the _"Sun Squirt."_ It had a Dyer... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
_Matron Greeley._ "O: DEAR, DEAR! AND IF IT SHOULD DIE ON MY HANDS,
WHO'S TO PAY THE FUNERAL EXPENSES?"]
* * * * *
HIRAM GREEN AMONG THE FAT MEN.
The "Last Gustive" attends the Annual Clam-Bake.
Empires may totter and Dienastys pass in their checks.
Politicians may steal the Goddess of L... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"Gee-whitaker," said I, to a Reporter of a N.Y. Journal, "them critters
must have a dredful elastic stomack."
"Yes," said he, "when Fat-men get clam hungry, the sea banks has to give
up her clams, and the grocery keepers furnish the seasonin'."
"Wall," said I, "if the Sea has many such runs on her clam-banks as
this, ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"Bully for you, ole man. Haw! haw! he! he! ho! ho!" roared half a dozen
fat men at my faceshusness, and they laffed and shook their sides, ontil
I thought they'd colaps a floo and spatter me.
One of them fat men approched me, and invited me to have a game of leep
frog.
"Excuse me, Captin," said I, "when I get so I can... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
I will not here refer to my threat of resignation, nor to the shouts of
diabolical laughter with which it was received by the conductor of a
Comic Journal, whose name it would not become me to mention. Suffice it
to say that those sentiments of loyalty and affection which have ever
been my glory, and a keen appreciati... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"ROYAL BROTHER:--Louis has received his baptism of fire. McMAHON wept.
He is training to dispute with Miss LOUISA MOORE, the proud title of the
'Champion Weepist.'
"Send me the Ninth, and the flower of _Opera Bouffe_--aye, even the
great SCHNEIDER--shall be thine. 'Tis France that calls--be kind.
Fraternally thine own... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
ELEVEN O'CLOCK.--It is now officially announced that the watering hose
referred to in my last is intended for gardening purposes only.
HALF PAST ELEVEN.--Great war between Erie and the _Tribune_. _Tribune_
interdicted on Erie Railway and Boston and Long Branch steamers.
Desolation of the Hub in consequence. Panic amon... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
HALF PAST FOUR.--Market (at Delmonico's) gone frantic over a consignment
of _Opera Bouffe_ sent by the Erie Protection Committee as a mark of
confidence in the present Erie management. Eries said to be in good
voice. Preferred stock will open in about a month with an extensive and
carefully selected ballet. _Premiéres... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
Of course there are several classes of great people. There is the little
great man, (for example, NAP. 3,) the big great man, (BISMARCK,) the
great little man, (NAP. 1,) and the great big man, (the Onondaga giant.)
But the patient observer must perceive that general rules will cover all
these cases.
It is to be hoped ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
7. Smoke many costly Havana cigars.
This rule has been lately discovered.
8. Get some one to write a history of CAESAR for you, or an account of a
tour in the Highlands, and then claim the work as your own.
There are one or two observations I would here make, which may be
useful. If you are ambitious, you had better c... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
'Tis the voice of the Turtle
That's heard in the land.
Crying, "Bother your care!
I don't want to be canned!
"Pack me whole in a tub,
Nor be stingy of ice,
What I want is a BERGH,
Nothing less will suffice."
* * * * *
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDE... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
I don't know a charm at all comparable with that of being swindled in
the midst of fine scenery, when the funds and enthusiasm still hold out,
and the sense of actually getting the worth of one's money is not yet so
blunted by transactions calculated to awaken Thought, as to have lost
the power of increasing one's fel... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
"But the grandeur and glory of the adventure will console me!" I
murmured. Grandeur be hanged! A fig for the "glory!" What! do you call
this "going under the Falls,"--that renowned journey, so full of peril?
Pooh! merely standing in a bath-tub and letting somebody pull the
string! You don't get quite so wet; that's al... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
* * * * *
A HINT FOR EXCURSIONISTS.
On account of the present nauseating condition of New York Bay, owing to
the offal nuisance, no prudent voyager should seek to stem its feculent
tide unless provided with "something to take." An intelligent
correspondent suggests that brandy would be a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
[Illustration: DODD'S LANDLADY IS VERY LAVISH OF "FLY-PAPER," AND, AS
DODD NEVER KNOWS WHERE HE PUTS HIMSELF OR HIS HAT, THE RESULT IS RATHER
AMUSING.]
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| "The Printing House ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 24, September 10, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 11 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10032 | |||
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
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| |
| CONANT'S |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
* * * * *
Vol. I No. 25
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
See 15th Page for Extra ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORPHEUS C. KERR
CHAPTER XVIII
A SUBTLE STRANGER.
The latest transient guest at the Roach House--a hotel kept on the
entomological plan in Bumsteadville--was a gentleman of such lurid
aspect as made every beholder burn to know whom he could possibly be.
His enormous head ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
"Landlord," said he, musingly, "there is something amongst these beans
that I should take for a raisin, if it did not move."
Placing upon his nose a pair of vast silver spectacles, which gave him
an aspect of having two attic windows in his countenance, the landlord
bowed his head over the plate until his nose touched... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
"The peculiarities you notice," returned the gentleman, "may either
exist solely in your own imagination, or they may be the result of my
own ill-health. My name is TRACEY CLEWS, and I desire to spend a few
weeks in the country for physical recuperation. Have you any idea where
a dead-beat,[1] like myself, could find ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Mr. CLEWS could not exactly recall that particular case; but had a
confused recollection of having lost several umbrellas himself, at
various times, and had no doubt that the addition of a nephew must make
such a loss still heavier.
Mr. BUMSTEAD being in his room when the introduction took place, and
having Judge SWEE... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Mr. CLEWS regretted to inform his Honor, that he had never been a
married man, and, therefore, could not presume to fancy what the
literary enjoyment of a widower must be at such a treat.
"A journalist, I presume?" insinuated Judge SWEENEY, more and more
struck by the other's perfect pageant of incomprehensible hair a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Yes, he was told, suspicion did point very decidedly at a certain
person; but, as no specific reward had yet been offered in sufficient
amount to justify the exertions of police officials having families to
support; and as no lifeless body had yet been found; and as it was not
exactly certain that the abstraction of a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
(_To be Continued._)
[Footnote 1: "Buffer" is the term used in the English story. Its nearest
native equivalent is, probably, our Dead-Beat;" meaning, variously,
according to circumstances, a successful American politician; a wife's
male relative; a watering-place correspondent of a newspaper, a New York
detective po... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
_Mrs. Gamp._--No; neither the French nor the Prussians are armed with
air guns. Your mistake arose from puzzling over those distracting war
reports, in which the word Argonnes figures so conspicuously.
_R.G.W._--What is the origin of the term "Bezonian," which occurs in the
Shaksperean drama?
_Answer._--Some trace it ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
The name is but the guinea's stamp,
The man's a GOULD for all that;
but the people were soon disabused of this idea, and the name of JEAMES
PHYSKE was in everybody's mouth.
Now it came to pass that there was a certain devout man called DEDREW,
who was the Grand Mogul and High Priest of a certain railroad
corpo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Then it happened that PHYSKE much desired to command upon the ocean; so
he forthwith bought him a line of steamers, which did run to the foreign
land, which is called Yankee Land, and he placed thereon a goodly number
of his players upon divers instruments, and he did buy him a coat of
many colors, and did stand upon ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Then PHYSKE did bring unto himself other boats and other roads, and
waxed powerful, and became great in the land, and he was much
interviewed by the scribes of a certain paper, "It shines for all,"
which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and his sayings--can they not be
found in the pages of "It shines for all," which,... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
And PHYSKE did divers other strange and curious things, but are they not
written down daily by the scribes of the paper, "It shines for all,"
which, being interpreted, is the Moon, and cannot he who runs, read them
there?
LOT.
* * * * *
From the Spirit of Lindley Murray.
When is a schoo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
"_Amicus_ your grandmother, sir!" said Mr. P. "What does society know
about the beauties of nature, or the proper time for enjoying them?"
"Society knows enough about it, sir!" cried the Count, drawing his sword
a little way from its scabbard and letting it fall again with: clanging
sound. "And representing society, a... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
This conclusion, however, did not prevent Mr. P. from dreaming. He had a
delightful dream that night, in which he found himself sailing on Lake
George; ascending Mount Washington; and participating in the revelry of
a clam-bake on the seagirt shore of Kings and Queens and Suffolk
Counties. As nearly as circumstances w... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
It is seldom that a writer is met with, who does not seize every
opportunity to attract attention to his own deeds. He is never so happy
as when, in contemplation, he hears the remarks of his readers tending
to his praise for the noble and heroic deeds he makes himself perform.
But with our poet--and we have been exce... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Judge of our poet's chagrin, however, when, on arriving at TAFFY'S
house, he was informed, with mocking smiles.
"TAFFY wasn't at home."
Here was a fall to his well-formed plans of vengeance.--All dashed to
the ground by one foul scathing blow.
But whither went TAFFY? The poet himself could tell you if you waited,... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
* * * * *
Aggravating.
The war news is becoming dizzier every day. It is now announced that the
Prussian headquarters are at St. Dizier.
* * * * *
Anna-Tom-ical.
"A young man who lost an arm, some two weeks since, insists upon it that
he still feels pain in... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Whiskey to right of them,
Cocktails to left of them,
Popping corks after them,
Volleyed and thundered,
Yet, 'twere but truth to tell,--
Many a hero fell.
Tho' some did stand it well,
Those that were left of them,
Left of Six Hundred.
Oh! what a bill was paid,
Oh! what a ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
HIRAM GREEN TO NAPOLEON.
Napoleon I and Napoleon III--Lager-Beer a Formidable Enemy to Overcome.
SKEENSBORO, NYE ONTO VARMONT,
_Orgust--, 18-Seventy._
FRIEND LEWIS: As I haint got no anser to my last letter which I rote to
your royal magesty a few weeks ago, it has occurred to me, that maybe
you don't feel well about ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
It shone rather scrumpshus, in the dark, but the rays of the Sun has
nockt its twinkle hire'n GILDEROY'S kite.
Yes, Squire BONYPART, your star is the only planet whose eclips has been
visible to the naked eye, all over the world, and can be seen without
usin' smoked glass.
I think, in the beginnin' of the war, when yo... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
A Dutch millingtery company visited Skeensboro a few years since, for a
target shoot, bringin' a car lode of lager-beer and a box of sardeens
for refreshments.
I, bein' at that time Gustise, was on hand to help perserve the peece.
Lager, they told me, wasen't intoxicatin. I histed in a few mugs. I
woulden't just say t... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
This is better than bein' throde onto the cold, cold charities of the
world, especially where a man has got the gout, for anything cold in apt
to bring on the pain and make him pe-uuk.
Hopin' that in the futer, as you grow older, you may lern wisdom by
cultivatin' my acquaintance--and with kind regards to UGEEN and bu... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
"EPHRAIM, I think your school days is ended." And so they was. I never
went back again, and never saw CHARLEY these thirty-five years gone now,
'till t'other day. I went West in search of a livin', and he tuk onto
business here East. Wons't in a long time I heerd on him; how things
went well with him, and how he got u... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
+--------------------------------------------+
| |
| "EXTRA SUN!!! |
| |
| ELOPEMENT AT MURRAY HILL. |
| FULL HISTORY OF THE PARTIES. |
| INTER... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
"My name, sir, is the Hon. CHARLES AUGUSTUS DANA, Ex-Assistant Secretary
of War, Ex-Proprietor of the ablest paper in the West, and at present
Chief Editor of the New York _Sun_, price two cents. There is no
individual here, sir, answering to the appellation of "Old Hunk," and,
as I perceive, sir, that there is a most... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Miss LOGAN is seventeen years of age. This, at least, is reliable. We
have our information from the lips of an aunt of the Honorable HORATIUS
GREELEY, who met Miss LOGAN in Chicago in 1812, and wrung the confession
from the gifted lady herself. Mr. GREELEY'S aunt, we need not say, is
incapable of telling a lie.
At the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Returning to her native motherland in 1812, she once more resumed her
career as a public speakeristess. How wonderful that career has been,
does not the world know? If not, why not? She has lectured in
14,364,812,719 towns between San Francisco on the one hand and
California on the other. Upwards of fourteen million Y... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
A Greek author has described the Crow as a cheese-eater--but that's a
fable. Though fond of a Rare Bit of meat, it does not care a Mite for
Cheese. Nothing in the shape of flesh comes amiss to this rapacious
creature; yet, much as it enjoys the flavor of the human subject, it
relishes the _cheval mort_. During the lat... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE "STERN PARENT.
_Daughter_ "WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, I DID NOT THINK MUCH OF THE CLOSE
OF THE SERMON."
_Father_. "PROBABLY YOU WERE THINKING MORE OF THE CLOTHES OF THE
CONGREGATION."]
* * * * *
THE WAR.
It is with feeling of inte... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
FROM ERIE.
Activity is the order of the day here. Col. FISK'S $20,000 team went to
the front this morning. They are to be broken into the turmoil of war by
being led gently to and fro, before a Supreme Court injunction. A
Central spy, who was captured during the day, was immediately tried by
court-martial, and sentenc... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
LATEST FROM LONG BRANCH.
As the Plymouth Rock was nearing the pier here this morning, an elderly
man, whose profane language had attracted the attention of the officers
of the vessel, was arrested by order of COL FISK. It proved to be the
sage of Chappaqua. He was attired in a clean shirt collar, by means of
which he ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
[Illustration: DIVORCES READY MADE.
_Lawyer_--"A DIVORCE, MADAM?--CERTAINLY, BY ALL MEANS. BOY, GIVE THE
LADY A DIVORCE."]
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| "The Printing House of the United States." ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 25, September 17, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 18 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10033 | |||
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| CONANT'S |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Vol 1. No. 26.
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
* * * * *
See 15th Page for Extra... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD.
AN ADAPTATION.
BY ORFHEUS C. KERR
CHAPTER XIX.
THE H. AND H. OF J. BUMSTEAD.
The exquisitely sweet month of the perfectly delicious summer-vacation
having come, Miss CAROWTHERS' Young Ladies have returned again, for a
time, to their respective homes, MAGNOLIA PENDRAGON has gone to the cit... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"Oh, what shall I do? My hands are so red to-day!" sighs FLCKA, holding
her arms above her head, that the blood may retire from the too pinkish
members.
After a pause, and an adjustment of a curl over her right eye and the
scarf at her waist, to make them look innocent, she yields to the
meteorological mania so striki... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"I prefer that you would not call me your 'dear,'" was the chilling
answer.
The organist thinks for a moment, and then nods his head intelligently.
"You are right," he says, gravely, "--there _might_ be somebody
listening who could not enter into our real feelings. And now, how about
those music-lessons?"
"I don't wan... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"There are occasions in life," he remarks, "when to acknowledge that our
last meeting with a friend, who has since mysteriously disappeared, was
to reject him and imply a preference for his uncle, may be calculated to
associate us unpleasantly with that disappearance, in the minds of the
censorious, and invite suspici... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
In her bashful confusion she is about to arise and trip shyly away from
him into the house, when he speaks again.
"Miss POTTS, is your friendship for Miss PENDRAGON and her brother such,
that their execution upon some Friday of next month would be a spectacle
to which you could give no pleased attention?"
"What do you... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"Beloved one," he murmurs, in a rich voice, "I find that I cannot induce
you to make the first advance toward the mutual avowal we are both
longing for, and must therefore precipitate our happiness myself. My
poor boy would not have given you perfect satisfaction, and your
momentary liking for the male PENDRAGON was b... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"I merely wish to request," he says, quietly, "that you place sufficient
restraint upon your naturally happy feelings to keep our engagement a
secret from the public at present, as I can't bear to have boys calling
out after me, 'There's the feller that's goin' to get married! There's
the feller that's goin' to get ma... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
And, while you are about it, LILLIAN, would you object to giving your
attention to certain relations of the monster which you propose to slay?
We name them, Detraction and Calumny. They are tough old Dragons, now,
we tell you; perhaps it were best to fight shy of them.
We have it, LILLIAN! Leave 'em to us! Us, with a ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Being back, I went to see _Julius Cæsar_ at NIBLO'S Garden. It was the
day when the French CAESER fell, and the impertinent soothsayer,
ROCHEFORT, who had so often advised him to beware, not of the Ides of
March, but of the _Idées Napoléoniennes,_ (there is a feeble attempt at
a pun here) obtained his liberty, and the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
CASCA. (_Who is fat enough to know better, and not pretend to be
discontented_.) "Let's kill him and break all the glass in the windows
of Paris."
BRUTUS. "My friend, those who live in stone houses should never throw
glass about. I don't mean anything by this, but it sounds oracular, and
will make people think I am a ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
POPULACE. "Hooray. The tyrant has fallen. Let's go and insult his wife
and smash everything generally."
1ST EDITORIAL PERSON. "Yesterday these precious rascals voted for him.
To-day they insult him--it being safe to do so--and to-morrow they will
want him back again."
2ND EDITORIAL PERSON, "There lies the ruins of the... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
* * * * *
Bluff King Bill.
L.N. declared his determination to kick old King BILLY, of Prussia, off
from French territory. Well, it would only have been a new illustration
of "footing the Bill."
* * * * *
Query.
As soon as the abominable fat-boiling nuisance... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Perhaps not!
Looking over one's bills reminds you a good deal of the Police Courts,
five dollars fine, twenty-five dollars costs.
The costs they make here are very good, however, altho' they do put a
little too much mint in them, I must say.
L.G. is all right, though. It is supplied with all the modern
conveniences. I... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
I always make it a point to get on the right side of these Steamboat
fellows, always.
About half way up the Lake is a place called Tongue Mountain.
A long time ago a colony of strong-minded women settled there.
That may have had something to do with its name.
Nobody ever goes there now.
People go very near the mountai... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
In future no one will go fooling round there except the fishermen. The
sign is down.
In my next I will finish the Lake trip, and give you some account of the
celebrated "Roger's Slide."
SAGINAW DODD.
[_To be continued._]
* * * * *
RAMBLINGS.
BY MOSE SKINNER.
POPULARITY.
Next to talk, pop... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
"We have the best authority for stating that General GRANT,
during his recent visit to Boston, remarked that he was
gratified at the manner in which gravy was produced in
Massachusetts. Our talented Chief Magistrate is a man of few
words, but what he does say is spicy, and to the point."
At the Pea... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
I will now quote my friends' own words:
"He was pronounced a hard case, manifesting no sorrow for his act, and
utterly indifferent to his approaching doom. A score of good people had
visited him with the kindest intentions, but without making the smallest
impression upon him.
"Without boasting, I wish to say that I kn... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
_Hans, (dreamily.)_ "ANODER BRUSSIAN VICTORY?--DEN LET US HAVE ANODER
BRUSSIAN BIER."]
* * * * *
Hot and Cold.
The sensational paragraph writers had better "let up" on the question of
an imminent dearth of ice. There is no real probability that we shall be
without ice before winter sets ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
The Phocidæ appear to have attracted the attention of Mankind at a very
early period--Seals being frequently spoken of in the Scriptures. St.
JOHN witnessed the opening of no less than seven varieties, and must
have been well acquainted with their internal structure.
The earless, or true species, are often seen in con... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
* * * * *
[Illustration: "HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON THE WALL, HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT
FALL."
AND IT HE HAD FALLEN AMONG THE PRUSSIANS, ONLY, IT MIGHTN'T HAVE BEEN SO
BAD FOR HIM; BUT, AS HE ALSO FELL UPON FRENCH BAYONETS, IT IS QUITE
CERTAIN THAT HE CAN NEVER GET UP AGAIN.]
* *... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
With such a prop as this ere little territory, where games of chance are
"entered into accordin' to the act of Congress," to cote from a familiar
passage in every printed copy of PUNCHINELLO, the Perfesser could have
raised this little hemisfeer quicker than any of you chaps can gobble up
a greenhorn.
And, sirs, I'me ... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
When he lays down his wallet among a lot of other calf skins, like a
great sponge in a puddle of water, it sucks every square inch of legal
tender, which is in suckin' distance.
For a regler 40 hoss power suction, K. VANDERBILT is your man. I ones
thought I could never take a locker to this 'ere honest old heart, but
... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Amid tumultous cheers, and a general rushin' to DELMONICO'S, where Wall
Street waters her stock, (of lickers,) I sot down.
Ewers, without a dowt,
HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,
_Lait Gustise of the Peece._
* * * * *
Stage By-play.
A sporting paper gives the following item:
"Two nines, composed of me... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
* * * * *
[Illustration: "IT WAS IN THE CHAMPAGNE COUNTRY THAT LOUIS NAPOLEON CAME
TO GRIEF. THE FIZZ OF THE CHAMPAGNE WAS TOO MUCH FOR HIM, AND HE
FIZZLED."--_(Letter from a War Correspondent.)_]
* * * * *
PUNCHINELLO AS A "SAVANT."
MR. PUNCHINELLO: I have... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Professor GREYWACKE, the eminent Geologist, delivered an address on
Natural Petrifactions, indicating the various specimens of Ancient
Fossils by which he was surrounded, and describing their formation. The
audience was probably Petrified with astonishment at the immense
learning and research he displayed, for it obse... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
When the excitement consequent upon this startling announcement had
subsided, I rose and addressed the Convention as follows:
"Ladies and Gentlemen: I cannot express, in words, the profound
gratification with which I have listened to the learned and eloquent
addresses which have just been delivered. The advancement of... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Profoundly yours,
CHINCAPIN.
* * * * *
Pearing Time.
We learn that "some of the pear trees in Suffolk County are now in
blossom." Surely such a season as this one for pears has never before
been seen. Who knows but the fact may induce SUSAN B. ANTHONY to go
pairing with some Revolutionar... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
D.
Depressions for Chicago
Delights of Dougherty, The
Desultory Hints and Maxims for Anglers
Distinguished Visitor, A
Dorgs, On
Dogs Tale, A
Down the Bay
Drainage under Difficulties
Dreadful State of Things out West, The
Dubious English
Dwarf Dejected, The
E.
Earthly Paradise
Editorial Wa... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
J
Joys of Summer, The
Jottings from Washington
Jumbles
Jupiter Bellicosus
K
Kellogg Testimonials, The
King Oakey, the First
King Craft Looking Up
L
Latest from Washington
Latest News Items
Latest about "Lo."
Letter from a Friend
Letter of Advice, A
Letter from a Japanese Student
Lette... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Q
Query
R
Raising Cain
Rather Mixed
Rather Flashy Idea, A
Ramblings
Real Estate of Woman, The
Religious Amusements
Remonstrance, A
Religion of Temperance
Receipe to be Tested
Reform in Juvenile Literature
Rejuvenated France
Right and Left
Robins, The
Romaunt of the Oyster
Rose by an... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
[Illustration: THE WIFE'S WINDFALL.
_Smith (who had forgetfully left his pocket-book on the piano, last
night.)_ "HAVE YOU FOUND ANYTHING THIS MORNING, ANGELINA?"
_Angelina._ "O! YES, DEAR, THANKS--AND I'VE ORDERED A NEW PIANO STOOL,
SOME LACE CURTAINS, AND--SUCH A LOVE OF A BONNET!"]
+-----------------------------... | Punchinello, Volume 1, No. 26, September 24, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 12 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10034 | |||
Steve Schulze and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+--------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| CONANT'S |
| ... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 | |||
* * * * *
Vol II. No. 27
PUNCHINELLO
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1870.
PUBLISHED BY THE
PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY,
83 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK.
* * * * *
THE MYSTERY OF MR. E. DROOD,
By ORPHEUS C. KERR,
Continued in this Number.
See 15th Page for Extra P... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 | |||
PREFACE
"HALF a year, half a year, half a year onward," has PUNCHINELLO advanced
since he wafted his first number to the four quarters of the globe.
His road has not been a very easy one to travel.
Bad characters lurked behind the fences, from which they would sometimes
take a sneak shot at the Showman as he passed. T... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 | |||
With his mind's eye, (an apparatus expressly constructed for and fitted
to his mental organization by a renowned necromancer,) PUNCHINELLO sees
his Public surging towards him, and grasping with outstretched hands at
the showers of _bon bons_ with which he plentifully supplies them from
an inexhaustible casket.
Among t... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 | |||
With whom, though, could she take refuge? If she went to MAGNOLIA
PENDRAGON, all her dearest schoolmates would say, that they had always
loved her, despite her great faults, yet could not disguise from
themselves that she seemed at last to be fairly running after Miss
PENDRAGON'S brother. Besides, Mr. BUMSTEAD, offend... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 | |||
After penning a hasty farewell note to Miss CAROWTHERS, to the effect
that urgent military reasons obliged her to see her guardian at once,
FLORA lost no time in packing a small leather satchel for travel. Two
bottles of hair oil, a jar of glycerine, one of cold cream, two boxes of
powder, a package of extra back-hair... | Punchinello, Volume 2, No. 27, October 1, 1870 | Various | ['en'] | 9 | {'American wit and humor -- Periodicals'} | PG10035 |
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