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300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 83	"They are afraid, it's obvious" muttered Mervalos, looking at the low Greek triremes bobbing up and down on the waves like walnut shells, and then at their own heavy vessels with the raised rails and the dozens of marines on their decks. "We'll make one mouthful of them…" "They are afraid, my lady." "How can you be s...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 84	The Greek ships stayed still at the center of the straits, a position which is very difficult for a ship to hold without dropping its heavy anchor and with the wind hitting it from the side. The rowers did not pull the oars out of the water at all, but moved them back and forth in a short, rapid motion, their hands and...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 85	"Avast and battle position!" The white flags were taken down from the sterns and red ones were hung in their places. The Greek ships stopped abruptly and with the help of the helmsmen and the calm waters, they quickly drew up in a straight formation, one next to the other, with their rams pointing forward. "Avast! St...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	The Final Clash	Before the Artemis could get up to full speed, the Ischys, the ship of Ameinias, shot by them and plunged ahead. The Athenian captain stood in the stern and howled like a madman to urge on his rowers, his officers and his marines. "Quickly! With power and speed!" shouted Themistocles, who did not want anyone else to h...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 87	On the Cassiope, Artemisia was trying in vain to maneuver her ship into battle position. To port and starboard her other four ships were crowded, before her was the stern of a ship from Lycia and behind her the bow of another from Cyprus. If she rowed backward so as not to ram the ship in front of her, she was in dange...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 88	Eyes narrowed. Lips hermetically sealed. Xerxes watched the sea battle with increasing discontent, unable to believe his eyes. His ships were crowded together and they were retreating, leaving an empty space to the Greeks, a space that was very useful in this narrow strip of sea. "Who commands the Phoenicians?" he a...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 89	With the help of the ships of Adeimantos that had suddenly returned, the Phoenician fleet was rapidly pushed back to the east. The last lines ran aground on the rocks off the coast and were smashed to pieces. The Persian marines sank straight to the bottom in their heavy armor, while the Phoenician rowers who tried to ...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 90	It was the last thing she expected. Her gaze was fixed forward, trying to make out a Greek ship, but the sudden jolt came from the starboard side, the side protected by one of her other four ships, the Nymphi. The two ships from Halicarnassus shook spasmodically as they collided, but fortunately they had pulled in the...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 91	"It is the Cassiope, the ship of Artemisia." The messenger had just returned from the eastern lookout, bringing the answer to the question the emperor had asked a short time earlier. Xerxes nodded and told his personal scribe to note down the name on his papyrus. "Why?" asked Mardonius, who had expected her to final...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 92	As the hours passed, the victory of the Greek fleet grew more and more certain. Those Persian ships that remained unharmed and were still fighting, were attacked many times in ways that were difficult to resist. Most were crowded together at the exit of the straits, trying to escape. Many were smashed against the rocks...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 93	Night fell quickly, covering up the hideous scene. Bodies were washing up all along the shores and many more were anchored to the bottom by their armor. Human limbs were tumbled by the waves and the wind. Planks, oars, sail, broken prows and sterns. Catastrophe. Annihilation. Disgrace. Yes, night fell quickly, but Xer...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Chapter 94	Day was breaking at the watchtower on Salamis, at the edge of the peninsula, in Kynosoura across from Athens. This time without suspense. Without fear. "We are the rulers of the sea" said Themistocles, unable to conceal his self-satisfaction. "But victory on the sea cannot give us back our city" Aristeides answered...
300 The Empire	Theo Papas	[ "historical fiction", "Greece" ]	[]	Epilogue	[ 459 B.C. ] [ "I, Themistocles" ] The man walked up and down with hesitant steps in the half-dark room which was lit only by the faint, flickering light of oil lamps. He went to the great window on the east side, pushed aside the linen curtain that kept out the heat of the sun during the day, and looked at the view ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 1	Two things happened the year I turned eleven: my father died and I became friends with my first professional chef, a guy named Jacques. My mother, distressed at my sadness over the loss of my father, tried to cure it with the one thing she knew I still loved: an extraordinary meal. One day, after she closed her shop, ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 2	My father was the pride of his family. He had worked his way through the ranks of the Banque Nationale de Paris, and had done so well that he was named president of the Cagnes-sur-Mer branch before his thirtieth birthday. He was married once, in his early twenties, to a girl from back home, but the marriage ended befor...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 3	My father was a peculiar mixture of traits. On the one hand, he was politically conservative, as one might expect of someone who had built his career in finance. When it came to his work, he was disciplined, focused, and unwavering. But at home, he was a different man. His whole life away from the bank was the opposite...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 4	My father had many interests, but none was as great as his passion for jazz. Nearly a million African Americans served in World War II, and jazz was the music they brought with them. While jazz had been popular as early as the 1920s, it was really in this period that the form of the music—innovative, revolutionary, a p...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 5	It was late afternoon when my father drove my mother and me to our new home in St. Tropez, an investment property he owned there. He was dressed in his weekend casual: a polo shirt, a pair of khakis, leather loafers. It was as if we were all on our way to a country getaway, the way my father made cheerful conversation ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 6	When we arrived at the apartment building, I looked around, confused. "Where is the house?" I asked. "It is not a house," my mother said. "It's an apartment. You'll like it. The school is just down the street and the building is full of kids. Come, Eric, let's look." She gave me her tight new smile, and I could tell...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 7	At the door of the apartment building, two men stood smoking cigarettes, and they looked at my mother hungrily. She cut the ogling off with a single devastating "don't even think about it" glare. I couldn't tell what she was thinking as she climbed the stairs to our new second-floor flat. She seemed at sea, like one o...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 8	We spent just a few months in that studio apartment in St. Tropez. Then my mother got the opportunity to open her own boutique, so we moved to a small town called Revel. We moved into the guesthouse of a farm, which I liked much better than the noisy apartment building, and because she was new in town, there was no bab...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 9	In St. Tropez, before my parents' divorce, my father had worked as the head of the bank in town. The town was crazy in the summer, rife with tourists and yachts full of partying celebrities, but in the winter, it felt more like a small village, where the residents could really mingle and get to know each other. Marcel ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 10	It was not long before things began to sour between my mother and Hugo. He liked the flash life, but he didn't have the means to take care of my mother the way he did when they were first dating. That money—begged, borrowed, or stolen—was gone. Hugo's job disappeared too, so my mother took him on at her boutique. From ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 11	Hugo occasionally helped out around the house and at my mother's stores, but what he really excelled at was spending her money and bossing me around. When my mother got pregnant, his bullying only intensified. With my mother in a more delicate condition, I had to fend for myself. She made sure that he bought the jambon...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 12	"Eric, clear the dishes," Hugo barked one night after I'd finished the last of the millefeuille à la vanille. "Absolutely not." "No TV then," he said. "Bullshit!" I yelled. I calmly went to my room and locked the door. He banged on it for what must have been twenty minutes. My mother tried for ten more, telling me ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 13	Suddenly I was dropped into a new group of boys who knew things I didn't, such as the basics of math and grammar. (And in France, if you don't know grammar, you're finished.) My new teacher couldn't be bothered to bring me up to speed, never mind take the time to answer my questions about politics and current events. I...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 14	I got through the last few months of that school year like a prisoner who knows that he will soon be paroled, if he can just keep his head up. I made myself anticipate the bright green smell of basil as I walked to the market with my grandma Maguy. I dreamed of long afternoons spent in the apricot tree, reading books b...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 15	After a few weeks with my mother's family, I was sent off by train to Nîmes, a few hours away, for the next stop on my summer vacation. The first few days of my visit were spent with my father's parents in the old part of town. My grandfather would take me to the railway-pensioner garden to harvest dinner, spending ho...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 16	My father had died, but I missed only one day of classes. I decided I'd rather go back to school than spend another day home with Hugo. It was a snowy day and as usual, I walked from our house to the place where I waited each day for the school bus that would take me down the mountain. Sometimes the snow would come dow...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 17	"Only if you cook what you love and truly understand will people be happy with your food. Running a restaurant is not a popularity contest. It is not really any way to get rich. But you can make beautiful food and you can live your life your way," he told me one day as he was writing out the menu on the chalkboard. "C'...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 18	Madame Amparo was the town psychic. She lived in Spain but like so many, she came to Andorra to do her shopping. She was a blond fifty-something woman, dressed in a simple but chic dress and, in the winter months, a vintage fur coat. Madame was gifted and when she came to Andorra, there was no shortage of people who wa...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 19	If you asked me at age fifteen what I owned, I would've told you nothing but the clothes my mother still bought for me, my hiking boots, a few books, my skis, and my beloved BMX motorbike. It would take time for me to see that my mother had given me a gift by bringing me to Andorra. Growing up in a small town, with a m...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 20	Instinct in the kitchen is something you develop very, very slowly. At sixteen years old, my passion for cutting onions was just not there. Today when I cut an onion, I have fun. It's like a musician warming up by playing a simple song or piano scales. I love the craft and the contact, the sensuality of it. But at scho...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 21	Learning how to make a perfect consommé was magical to me. When I was done, the broth was as clear and delicate as water, but it was incredibly tasty. It was my first experience of the importance of craftsmanship. I learned that everything had to be just right: cutting the vegetables just so; simmering the meat with th...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 22	When I went home for Christmas, I was feeling pretty bold. I wanted to impress my mother with what I'd learned. So I borrowed her Bocuse cookbook, found the recipe for the legendary foie gras soup that he'd served to President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing, and rode my motorbike into town to shop. The next night, we were al...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 23	It was up to the teachers, however, to decide if I would continue my studies as a waiter or as a cook. In many countries, waiting tables is a working-class trade, or something you do just to pay the rent while you pursue a more creative profession. But in France, being a waiter is a proud vocation with a noble history...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 24	Luckily, my second-year teacher was a no-bullshit lifer named Monsieur Korbel, who had zero patience for mediocrity. Korbel had worked on La France, an ocean liner legendary for its cooks and waiters—many of whom had gone on to work at Le Pavillon in New York—and come up in the same generation as Jean-Jacques Rachou an...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 25	As I climbed out of the Pont Marie métro station in Paris, I couldn't help but think of Madame Amparo, the psychic from Andorra, and her prediction for my future. I was on my way to my first day of work at the only three-star Michelin restaurant out of eighteen establishments that had responded to my résumé. It was a ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 26	I felt weak at work and the sense of vulnerability and panic only deepened when I was away from the all-consuming rush of the kitchen. On a weekend visit home to Andorra, I ran into Madame Amparo. "You're having a tough time," she said, sympathetically. No psychic ability was necessary to see that was true. I was pal...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 27	Once I made it back into the kitchen, Maurice greeted me with grudging respect. It seemed like the bloody boat-shoe incident had made him finally understand how dedicated I was. Not that he made things any easier for me: the first thing he did was tell everyone the carrot-practice secret I'd revealed to him. And then h...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 28	All those nights I did garde, I didn't realize that what I was being given was a private opportunity to watch Jean cook. From my first day at La Tour until my last, Jean was always giving me the punishment of garde, garde, garde. I was so confident that he did it to screw with me that I didn't realize he was actually m...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 29	It was from Maurice that I first began to learn how foundational sauces were to the fine dining experience. In culinary school, I'd learned how to make a few of what chefs call "the mother sauces": the cold ones, like vinaigrette and mayonnaise, and the hot ones, like béchamel, velouté, and a brown sauce known in profe...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 30	But then things got tougher on their own. About six months into my stay at La Tour, Maurice came to tell me that he'd been hired by Joël Robuchon to work at Jamin. "Robuchon?" I gasped. "No shit!" All of the gossip in Paris was about the young chef, who had overseen a staff of eighty when he was just twenty-one. "How'...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 31	In that hushed little dining room in the 16th arrondissement, I discovered just how finely detailed a dish can be. If I thought the food at La Tour d'Argent was three stars, Robuchon was on another planet. He served dishes that no one had seen before. A ravioli, the wrapper so thin it was practically translucent, was f...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 32	During my year and a half at La Tour d'Argent, I was taught what a real kitchen is; I learned it in my bones. The brigade system is brutal, but it works. Without it there would only be chaos. Jean was tough but smart: he made us jump in to help anyone who was behind on his station, which meant that all of our skills st...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 33	Early on a Monday morning in December, just a few days after leaving La Tour d'Argent with the blessing of Jean and Bouchet (and a drunken farewell with the cooks), I was ready to start my new life. At six A.M. sharp, I spoke my name into the intercom behind a modern apartment building in the upscale 16th arrondissemen...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 34	Within a few weeks, I was promoted to demi chef de partie (a step between commis and chef de partie) on garde manger, which meant that I was now responsible for all of the cold dishes: three salads and five first courses. I had an apprentice and a commis to help me, but even so, it was physically impossible to produce ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 35	After a year and a half at La Tour, I had finally mastered the connection between thought and gesture—the ability to think, I'm going to put this dot of sauce right here, and to do it well. But Robuchon demanded a whole new level of precision. Each plate was not only delicious, it was also a work of art, and it seemed ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 36	In Robuchon's kitchen, everything was done just so. You didn't just grab a few mushrooms from the refrigerator and carry them to your station in your apron. Instead, you placed them on a tray and walked to your station carefully, because those mushrooms were sacred. He had an appreciation for quality that bordered on o...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 37	One weekend, a few months after I started work at Jamin, I went home to visit my mother and ran into Madame Amparo. "Eric, you've grown up!" she said, proudly. I opened my jacket to show her the necklace she had given me. "I still wear your cross, and I live in a city surrounded by water. You were right." She nodded...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 38	I went home and waited to be called for my military service. I was told it would happen in a week or two, but I got lucky. It was four whole months before I was called. I spent my time home in Andorra, climbing mountains during the day and dancing all night in the local clubs. Sometimes I'd drive a few hours to Barcelo...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 39	I was part of the last generation of men in France who served a mandatory military service. At the time, I think the government believed that because you received a free college or vocational education and got free healthcare, mandatory military service was a way of paying back. In retrospect, I'm happy I did it. I hav...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 40	Waiters and chefs were given special privileges, like being allowed to go out every few nights. I took full advantage of my privileges. My friends and I went to the nightclubs in Toulouse as often as we could to meet college girls, or hung out at Le Sunbeam Café or Le Tout Va Bien restaurant in nearby Moissac. There wa...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 41	All I could think about was ending things with Bernadette. The relationship was becoming more challenging because Bernadette was young and prone to jealousy, and I was so focused on my career. A plan began to take shape: I would tell her that I was going back to work in Paris, and that she had to stay and finish lycée....
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 42	5:55 A.M. The dread returned before I even pressed the intercom button marked JAMIN. Now that I was here, I couldn't fathom why I had ever agreed to come back. Did I really think that, after more than a year away from the line, I could cook fish for Robuchon? From my first day back at Jamin, I knew that I was doomed. ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 43	The pressure of working for Robuchon was taking its toll and too often the stress of work followed me home. At least once a week I awoke from a nightmare in which I had screwed up my mise and Robuchon was about to open my fridge. One night, after a particularly rough service, I came home, took one look in the refrigera...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 44	Before my military service, Robuchon had decided that we were using too much butter, so he posted a book on the pass. We had to sign out for each slice of butter we cut from the giant block that in French is called motte de beurre. Then, I guess because he thought we were spending too much time in the restroom, he put ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 45	When I became the head of the fish station, I was struggling so much each day and with each dish that I could never have imagined that fish would eventually become my specialty, my passion. But even then, amid all the stress, there were moments of fascination: I was intrigued by how delicate it was, how refined the sau...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 46	The whole kitchen staff got a reprieve when Robuchon took an extended trip to Japan. Things were so peaceful when he was away—busy and intense, yes, but it was so much easier to focus on making sure my execution was perfect without his intimidating presence. And then suddenly he was back, determined to sashimi our egos...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 47	By the time I returned to Jamin, I was twenty-two, and I knew that I was receiving the best possible training for the levels of cooking I dreamed of doing. And yet, each Sunday my stomach would start churning with anxiety. I would feel too sick to eat. I didn't sleep Sunday nights because my brain was flooded with fear...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 48	That January, I got an offer to cook in Puerto Rico. The salary was amazing. The perks were fantastic and I would be living in an island paradise. I made plans to leave Robuchon when the restaurant closed in June for the summer holiday. I gave my notice six months before. But by June, the offer—which had always seemed ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 49	I went home to Andorra for vacation, with a fun side trip to Spain. Shortly before I was to return to Paris, I got a call from Robuchon. True to his word, he had found me a job. "So. I received a call from a good friend in Washington, Jean-Louis Palladin." I knew about Palladin: he was, they said, playful and passiona...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 50	Leaving Robuchon was unexpectedly bittersweet. I knew from the moment I finished my last shift at Jamin that I was leaving my mentor behind. He taught me discipline. He taught me technique. He taught me skills. He taught me flavor. He taught me speed. He taught me how to be a cook. Maybe I'm biased or even brainwashed,...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 51	In the kitchen, Georges also liked to prepare chou farci and braised pork neck with green olives, adding a little bit of flour to thicken the rich sauce. I cooked whenever I could, sometimes adapting Robuchon dishes for fun. If we were making moules marinières, I would take the mussels out of their shells and arrange t...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 52	Just as Georges selected his birds, so did I trust my hands to tell me about the produce—to tell, from touch, if a tomato might be watery and flavorless, or thick-skinned and starchy, and then pick a better one. And then I let my instinct tell me how to prepare it, without putting all of my effort into the presentation...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 53	Every two or three weeks, I drove the four hours back to Andorra to see my mother, climb mountains, and get away from Bernadette. Things were better with her only in that I spent most of my time with Georges. She was back at her job in the gift shop in town for most of the day. When we were home in Moissac, our fights ...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 54	Still, even now, whenever I cook a rustic lunch over a fire I think about Georges and all he taught me about the beauty of a simple meal. I grew up in a small village, but Andorra was a little more cosmopolitan. Before Georges, I had never had any contact with a real gentleman farmer. I had no real experience with rura...
32 Yolks	Eric Ripert	[ "Andorra", "food and drink", "France", "biography" ]	[]	Chapter 55	Finally, that March, Jean-Louis Palladin's cool, raspy voice came on the line and told me that the visa had come through at last. He wanted me there in April. I knew that I had to break up with Bernadette for the last time. If we didn't, it would just keep dragging on. She'd come to Andorra. She'd probably find me in ...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	House of Madness	Julian and his friends were scheduled for shopping detail. Being an elf and therefore not requiring the sleep his companions did, Julian had grown bored in the stale, farty air of the Whore's Head Inn, and decided it might be a good idea to get a jump on the day. Dave had been easy to convince, seeing the wisdom of ar...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 2	As they approached Cardinia's city walls, the sinking sun underlit orange clouds against a lavender sky. With just a little bit of searching, they were able to locate the tavern they had drunk at that morning. It was much busier now, with only a couple empty tables left. Many of the patrons were uniformed city watchmen...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Naga Please	Dave leaned back against his tree and basked in sunlight and contentment. This was what life was about. Being outside with your friends, drinking and fishing. Sure, they hadn't caught so much as a single fish in the four hours they'd been out here, but that wasn't the point. The pine-scented breeze was alive with the c...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Elf Inflicted	Tim sucked the froth off the top of his beer glass, savoring the evening's first hint of alcohol. Soon he would be blissfully oblivious to everything in this shitty, shitty game world. "It's nice to get out of the Whore's Head every now and again," said Julian, presumably just to fill the silence. The tips of his long...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 5	Tim awoke to the sound of a loud, hacking cough. He was wet and cold and uncomfortable. He opened his eyes and found that his vision was no longer made up of vivid oranges and blues. In fact, he may have lost all sense of color completely. All he could see was grey. The sky. It was raining. The cough again. Tim turne...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	The Land Before Tim	"Where the fuck are we?" said Tim. It was not an unusual question for him to ask upon waking up in the morning, but the potential answers were usually limited to piss-filled gutters outside taverns in the city of Cardinia. He couldn't recall ever waking up on a bed of giant ferns. The air smelled of sea-salt and… "Egg...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 7	"Rise and shine!" an unwelcome voice penetrated through the warm, comfortable oblivion. "It's a beautiful new day. Time to get up and have some breakfast." Consciousness returned slowly. Despite Tim's best efforts to shut them out, the day's realizations came to him in their standard procession. He was still a halfli...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 8	As they traveled clockwise around the circumference of the island, Tim filled in the rest of the group with what little he knew of Terrence. The tyrannosaurus, as Alonzo had described it the night before, was a peculiar beast, and Tim hypothesized that such peculiarities may have a connection, or at least reveal clues,...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	A Fistful of Gold Pieces	Julian squinted from beneath the brim of his sombrero and peered into the bartender's eyes. He bit his lower lip and nodded shrewdly. It was important to seem casually interested, but not too eager. A puff of cigar smoke would have rounded out the effect he was going for, but he was all out of smokes. "Please allow me ...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 10	Two hours later they were standing at the edge of a district of Cardinia known as Shallow Grave. While the Collapsed Sewer District was a dismal, lawless shithole, the actual sewer collapse, and resulting shift in demographics, were relatively recent. Organized crime hadn't yet had a chance to take much of a foothold ...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 11	Walking out of Shallow Grave was a lot more comfortable than walking in had been. The few locals out on the streets still followed the group with their eyes, but their stares didn't feel as hostile as before. Everyone seemed to breathe a little easier once they had crossed the district line. Even Dave stopped crying w...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 12	It was pretty late when they arrived back at the Rock Bottom Pub, but judging from the noise inside, it was a lot livelier than it had been in the early afternoon. Tim opened the door, and what seemed like every thug, ruffian, and ne'er-do-well in Cardinia ceased their merrymaking to stare at them. You'd have to combi...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	NOW I HAVE	[ A CROSSBOW ] [ HO – HO – HO ] "I don't understand," said Barlow. "I wasn't even carrying a crossbow!" said Shitnose. "Explain yourself, halfling," demanded Barlow. "Was that meant to be a taunt?" Tim sighed. "It was meant to be a joke. I thought it would be funny." "What's wrong with you people?" Timmon wore a...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	The Minotard	It had been a rough day, and Dave felt he could safely cross Armed Escort off his list of potential careers. Nevertheless, he was in fine spirits. The rain, cool and refreshing, had rinsed most of the goblin gore from his beard and armor. Now that he and his friends had returned to the relative safety behind the city w...
3d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 15	The sun was up when they reached the surface. Dave had hoped it would still be raining, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The only evidences of the previous night's downpour were large, muddy puddles in the poorly maintained streets of the Collapsed Sewer District. Rolling around in the street earned them a few sta...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Djinngle Bells	(Original Publication Date: December 10, 2015) Tim fell backwards a short distance, his ass crushing something cold and wet where his upturned bucket had just been. Everything around him was cold and wet. And dark. Why was it so dark? He couldn't see shit. "What the f-f-f-fuck?" The sudden change in temperature was t...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 2	Tim returned, but immediately wished he hadn't. He woke up with a headache he wouldn't wish on Hitler. Every heartbeat pounded inside his head like one of those big-ass marching band drums. And then there was the sucking and slurping, like two dire slugs fucking inside his ear canal. "What the fuck is that noise?" sai...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Genital Harpies	(Original Publication Date: February 26, 2016) Julian laid down his cards. "Three deuces." He carefully kept his expression neutral to avoid indicating that he already knew he'd won. Raggart, the leader of their bugbear captors, grinned at him from across the crude three-legged table. His yellow fangs pointed every w...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	The Unwashed Asses	(Original Publication Date: April 13, 2016) Cooper's asshole itched something fierce. It was too deep an itch to scratch through the loincloth. He had to get his claws right up in there to properly meet the demand, but he couldn't do that while Dave was walking behind him. And he couldn't walk slower than Dave without...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	B.Oar Guests	(Original Publication Date: June 24,2016) "This place gives me the creeps," said Julian. The living room of this house was at least as big as the dining area of the Whore's Head Inn, and a great deal cleaner. But there was more to his unease than a fancy sofa and a rug more valuable than him and his friends combined s...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 6	"Hello?" a voice echoed from some distance away. Cooper's voice. Julian opened his eyes, but it did him no good. He was engulfed in complete darkness. The floor he lay on was rough damp stone. It felt slimy on his fingertips. "Hello?" Cooper said again. "Come on, man. Talk to me!" Shit. "Are you alive or not?" Shi...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Chapter 7	When they had ridden Julian's magical horses far enough away from the house, they slowed down to a trot. "Are you okay?" Julian asked Ravenus, who was perched on his shoulder. "Of course I am, sir. Why wouldn't I be?" "I meant about your lady friend. All that stuff she said back there." "She couldn't speak Elven, s...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Wight Trash	(Original Publication Date: July 15, 2016) The tattooed bare-chested half-orc behind the rough wooden desk continued writing on a piece of parchment as Tim, Julian, Dave, and Cooper entered the shipping container-sized office. "Excuse me," said Tim. "Is this the Cardinian Trash Dump?" The half-orc continued writing,...
4d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Probing the Annis	(Original Publication Date: August 16, 2016) "How big is this forest?" asked Julian. "How have we not randomly stumbled upon a road in three days?" Tim sighed. "We would have been home a long time ago if it wasn't for Dave's shortcut." "You were the one who wanted to take a shortcut," said Dave. "I told you I didn't...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	They Fight Three Giants	And the Johns, who made high school just a little less shitty, And Jeff Hollingsworth, for being so generous. "So you're here all alone?" said Hollingsworth, the sorcerer who had been plying them with drinks all night. Though he was only a couple of feet away from Dave, his voice sounded distant and echoing. "No frie...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	SMASH	A force from above flattened Dave face down on the ground. "Ow!" said Tim, awakened from his drunken slumber. "What the fuck, Dave?" "I didn't –" "Why is your face full of puke?" Tim looked around. "Where the hell are we?" Dave sat up. "I don't know. We were drinking with that guy we met in the market." He got on o...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	SMACK	Whether it was because he didn't recognize the significance of the chalk drawing or because he was still blind drunk, Ravenus smashed beak-first into the solid part of the stone and fell to the ground. "Son of a bitch that hurt!" "–AVENUS!" cried Julian as he flew out of the stone clutching his face. "Fuck," said Dav...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	CRUNCH	Dave noticed a distinct lack of jingling as Furgal repeatedly smashed Hollingsworth into sorcerer paste. The sack had been full of rocks all along, suggesting that Furgal had meant to double cross him from the beginning. "What the fuck, man?" cried Tim. Furgal stopped beating the pulpy remains of Hollingsworth and gl...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	From the Bowels of Hell Hounds	Thank you for your amazing generosity. Tim had been the one to sell the party on taking this job by describing it as "taking a stroll through the woods and hoping they didn't get mauled by monsters", and argued that "Since that describes pretty much every day we've been in this shitty fantasy world, and remains prefer...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	Tossing the Salaad	Thank you for your amazing generosity. "You shouldn't have gone off by yourself like that," said Dave. "You're lucky to be alive." Tim gulped back a swig of stonepiss from his flask, but it still wasn't enough to make Dave shut up. "I'm alive because I was alone. You guys would have blown my cover." Tim's high Dexte...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	THBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBPT	Tim didn't need to be able to turn around to recognize Cooper's ass answering the croak. The intensity of the smell, the look on frog-guy's face, and the accompanying wet splatter told Tim that Cooper had let out more than just a legendary fart, and that he'd done so on this guy's beloved dire bear skin rug. Tears gli...
5d6	Robert Bevan	[ "comedy", "fantasy" ]	[ "humor", "short stories", "Caverns and Creatures C" ]	SPLAT	Koestner's chest exploded, splattering blood in every direction as something like a blood-and-mucous-covered Darwin fish flopped out onto the carpet next to Koestner's now unquestionably dead body, belching and hissing and flapping bodily fluids everywhere. "JESUS!" cried Dave. He moved in to kick the ungodly abominat...

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