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What's that, Dom? What's the bright side? | Well... at least now you know. |
Well... at least now you know. | I think it was better when I didn't. It was kind of inspiring to know there was someone so pure in the world. |
What's so funny? | I'm sorry, it's just that you're taking this all wrong, pal. Don't you see? You're liberated. I feel liberated. I mean here you've been in therapy thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you! |
Maybe you're right. I should look on the bright side. I mean, I've still got my health... I'm out of here. I've got to get up at six a.m. to move my boss's brother into his apartment. | What? On your day off? Do you even know the guy? |
What? On your day off? Do you even know the guy? | Never met him. |
Never met him. | Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn novel so you can quit that stupid magazine. |
Jesus, Ted, you've got to finish that damn novel so you can quit that stupid magazine. | Amen to that. |
No You mean...? | Uh-huh. |
Uh-huh. | The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look her up. |
The lazy fuck just didn't bother to look her up. | That sneaky prick was probably practicing his jai alai. |
You are one lucky sonofabitch, you know that? | I am? |
I am? | Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just about to cut your throat when you stopped to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe up your ass, man. |
Didn't they tell you? That hitcher was just about to cut your throat when you stopped to take a leak. You got a fucking horseshoe up your ass, man. | Yeah feels like it. |
How the hell did you get here anyway? | Flew. Told my wife I was going to a Promise Keepers convention. |
Oh God, I'm fucking nervous. I don't know if I'm ready for this, man. | Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine? |
Just relax. Have you hit the cash machine? | Got cash. |
Got cash. | Car clean? Plenty of gas? |
Car clean? Plenty of gas? | Check. |
Check. | Mints? |
Mints? | Copped a tin of Altoids at the car wash. |
Okay, sounds like you're all set. Just clean the pipes and it's a go. | Hm? |
Hm? | You know, clean the pipes. |
You know, clean the pipes. | Pipes? What are you talking about? |
Pipes? What are you talking about? | You jerk off before all big dates, right? Tell me you jerk off before your big dates. |
Think about it: After you've had sex with a girl and the two of you are laying in bed, are you nervous? | No. |
I got twenty bucks says you're full of shit. | Oh come on, why would I lie? |
Oh come on, why would I lie? | Because you're a loser, and in some warped way this gives you a momentary sense of worth. |
Healy you dog! | Fucking Sully! Look at you! |
Fucking Sully! Look at you! | You hot shit. Ya look fuckin' pisser. |
Take it easy, that's Bill. | Tell Bill to get the fuck off! |
Tell Bill to get the fuck off! | Relax, he just ate. |
I'm worried about you, man. You better learn to have a pop once in a while or you're gonna fall off the wagon. You're being a fanatic and that ain't healthy. | Am I? |
Am I? | Bet your ass you are. Now I don't want to hear anymore of your happy horseshit. You gotta learn how to bend a little or believe me... you're gonna break. |
Jesus, you know what? This shit doesn't even taste good to me anymore. | Ah, fuck ya then, you big pussy. What are you, spotting? |
Hello...? Sully...? Sully, that you? | Who the fuck is it to you? |
Who the fuck is it to you? | Sully, it's Healy. What's going on over there? |
So where the hell are you, Healy? | Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary girl I told you about. |
Ah, I got a date tonight with that Mary girl I told you about. | The sawbones? |
The sawbones? | Yep. |
Oh cripes. Do you have change for a dollar? All I have is these stupid Nepalese coins. | Nepal? Have you been? |
Nepal? Have you been? | Not in months. I don't even know why I bought the damn place. |
Not in months. I don't even know why I bought the damn place. | You own a home there? |
You own a home there? | Well... it's just a condo really. Right outside Katmandu. |
Well... it's just a condo really. Right outside Katmandu. | Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to go. Is it true the mountains are so tall you can't see the tops? |
Wow. That's a place I've always wanted to go. Is it true the mountains are so tall you can't see the tops? | Not 'til you get about three hundred yards from the summit. That's been my experience anyway. |
I'm kidding. Yeah, I guess you could call me an architect -- it's just a job really, a way to keep me moving. My real passion is my hobby. | What's that? |
What's that? | I work with retards. |
I work with retards. | I beg your pardon? |
I beg your pardon? | You know... ...the guys who ride the short bus. |
You know... ...the guys who ride the short bus. | Isn't that a little politically incorrect? |
Isn't that a little politically incorrect? | The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with. |
The hell with that. No one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with. | No, I mean |
No, I mean | -- There's this one kid, we call him Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out of his cage once and -- |
-- There's this one kid, we call him Mongo on account of he's a mongoloid. He got out of his cage once and -- | -- He's in a cage?! |
-- He's in a cage?! | Well it's more of an enclosure really. |
Well it's more of an enclosure really. | They keep him confined? That's bullshit! |
They keep him confined? That's bullshit! | That's what I said, so I went out and got him a leash you know, one of those clothesline runners for the backyard. He's got plenty of room out there to dig. The kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him to ball games, movies -- you know, happy stuff. |
That's what I said, so I went out and got him a leash you know, one of those clothesline runners for the backyard. He's got plenty of room out there to dig. The kid's really blossomed. Now I can take him to ball games, movies -- you know, happy stuff. | That sounds like fun. |
That sounds like fun. | Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven for me. Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I have in this crazy old world. Ooh, hey, I gotta run. |
Yeah, it's fun for them, but it's heaven for me. Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I have in this crazy old world. Ooh, hey, I gotta run. | Look, uh, I was thinking maybe we should go have dinner sometime. |
Ah, I'd sell that. Start fresh in a new place, quit the architect game, slow things down, read more books, see more movies... | You're a movie buff? |
You're a movie buff? | Try to be. It's tough going with the crap they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the best they've got to offer I say thanks but no thanks. |
Try to be. It's tough going with the crap they make today. If Dumb and Dumber's the best they've got to offer I say thanks but no thanks. | Have you seen it? |
Have you seen it? | No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr hated it. |
No. But the Boston Globe critic Jay Carr hated it. | A fucking moron. |
A fucking moron. | Huh. I guess I just wish they made them like they used to. You know, something like The Heartbreak Kid... or Harold and Maude. |
Hi, I'm out drinking champagne and roses... and I'm really happy. Leave a message. BEEP. | Uh, hey buddy. Oh boy, am I pissed. You're not going to believe this -- well, you'll believe it, there's no reason not to -- but I just got beeped for emergency surgery. Well, um, sorry, but I'm going to have to bail on you. |
Woogie, please, you're starting to scare me. | Who the hell's Woogie? |
But you know, you shit out a bunch of kids, you're going to put on a few pounds. | So she's married? |
So she's married? | Nope. Never been. |
Nope. Never been. | Huh? |
Huh? | Four kids, three different guys. |
Four kids, three different guys. | Three different guys? |
Three different guys? | Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two whites, and a midget. |
Well I'm guessing. There's a black kid, two whites, and a midget. | Oh my. |
Oh my. | Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet. |
Hyperactive little fuckers, too. Tough to keep up with in a wheelchair, I bet. | She's in a wheelchair?! |
Look, uh, I've been thinking about everything you told me. | Good good. |
Good good. | Well I think you're right, I should look her up. |
Well I think you're right, I should look her up. | Rollerpig? Are you nuts? |
Rollerpig? Are you nuts? | But you said she was a sparkplug...? |
But you said she was a sparkplug...? | I said buttplug. She's heinous. |
Oh Christ... poor dog. | You're a sick man, you know that? |
You're a sick man, you know that? | Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand the fact that it was my turn. |
Yeah well fuck you! You just can't stand the fact that it was my turn. | Your turn? |
Your turn? | That's right, hot shot! My turn. What's the matter with me, huh? Why can't I ever get the great girl? Give the big pig with the B.O. to Healy, right? Well I was sick of it, man! No more -- it was my turn. It was time for me... time for me... to be happy. |
Well you didn't have to blow us both out of the water. Jesus Christ, just because she found out about you, why'd you have to take me down with you? | I don't know what you're talking about. |
I don't know what you're talking about. | I'm talking about the letter, asshole. |
I'm talking about the letter, asshole. | What? |
Okay, Pat, take it easy -- don't do anything stupid. | Who the fuck do you think you are making up that bullshit about me?! |
That stalker Ted got to you, right? You're working for him, aren't you, you little shit? | Who? |
I'm a phony -- just like you, man. | What do you mean? |
What do you mean? | I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no architect. Don't be a putz -- who's been to Santiago twice in a year? Estadio Olimpico -- please! |
I mean I'm a fucking fraud. I'm no architect. Don't be a putz -- who's been to Santiago twice in a year? Estadio Olimpico -- please! | But... but you knew people at Harvard. |
But... but you knew people at Harvard. | I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that you were a fake and I made up everything else. My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas. |
I knew shit. The only thing I knew was that you were a fake and I made up everything else. My real name's Norm. I deliver pizzas. | Bullshit! |
That stalkin' son-of-a-bitch! | Fucking sickening. |
You little fuck. | What? |
What? | You fucking prick, we had a deal -- you said you wouldn't fuck me and I wouldn't fuck you until we had this fuck out of the fucking picture. You crossed the line, man. |
Have you been up all night again? | Bet your ass I have. It's an important job, Neighborhood Watch is. |
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