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Right, Chief. | So...? Where the hell is it? |
So...? Where the hell is it? | We... uh, have been unable to come up with any information before the man appeared at Mr. Rand's home ... and, uh... |
We... uh, have been unable to come up with any information before the man appeared at Mr. Rand's home ... and, uh... | What the hell are you talking about, Kaufman? |
What the hell are you talking about, Kaufman? | Well, we do have data from Honeycutt's sources, Chief - but it isn't pertinent. |
Well, we do have data from Honeycutt's sources, Chief - but it isn't pertinent. | I'd like to hear that data, Kaufman. |
I'd like to hear that data, Kaufman. | Yes, sir. |
John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception. | This is my fiancee Maxine. |
Thank you. | The one where you're that jewel thief. |
The one where you're that jewel thief. | I never played a jewel thief. |
I never played a jewel thief. | Who am I thinking of? |
Who am I thinking of? | I don't know. |
I don't know. | I'm pretty sure it was you. Hey, could I get your autograph now? It's for .... oh, what the hell, it's for me! I'm your biggest fan! |
I'm pretty sure it was you. Hey, could I get your autograph now? It's for .... oh, what the hell, it's for me! I'm your biggest fan! | Yeah, okay. |
What are you doing? | I'm moving. Remember? What's with the hooded cloak? |
I'm moving. Remember? What's with the hooded cloak? | Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been thinking. Let's try to work this out. We've got so much history. |
Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been thinking. Let's try to work this out. We've got so much history. | You should feed your animals. They're looking peaked. |
You should feed your animals. They're looking peaked. | I'm getting rid of the fucking animals. |
I'm getting rid of the fucking animals. | What? |
What? | I'm getting rid of the animals. I've lost interest. Besides, they're standing between you and me. |
I'm getting rid of the animals. I've lost interest. Besides, they're standing between you and me. | No they're not. |
No they're not. | You've always hated the animals. |
You've always hated the animals. | You've always loved the animals. |
You've always loved the animals. | I'm giving them up. I've changed. I've found a new focus. |
I'm giving them up. I've changed. I've found a new focus. | What's that? |
What's that? | Us, of course. |
I'm your Goddamn wife. Once you vowed to cherish me forever. Now you hold a gun to my head? | Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. |
Yeah, well welcome to the nineties. | Suck my dick! |
Suck my dick! | Shut up! |
Tell her you need to see her. | You bastard. |
Once this was a relationship based on love. Now you have me in a cage with a monkey and a gun to my head. | Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. |
Things change. Anyway, you gave up your claim to that love the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine. | You fell in love with her first. |
You fell in love with her first. | Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. |
Yeah but I didn't do anything about it. Out of respect for our marriage. | You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. |
You didn't do anything about it out of respect for the fact that she wouldn't let you near her with a ten foot pole, which is, by the way, about nine feet, nine inches off the mark anyway. | That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. |
That's true. Oh, God, Lotte, what have I become? My wife in a cage with a monkey. A gun in my hand. Betrayal in my heart. | Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. |
Maybe this is what you've always been, Craig, you just never faced it before. | Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. |
Perhaps you're right. I can't let you go though. Too much has happened. You're my ace in the hole. | I need a shower. |
I need a shower. | I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." |
I'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm some kind of monster. I'm the guy you read about in the paper and go, "he's some kind of monster." | You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. |
You're not a monster, Craig. Just a confused man. | I love you so much. |
Holy shit, yes! | Holy shit, yes! |
Holy shit, yes! | Holy shit! He said what I said! |
Holy shit! He said what I said! | Holy shit! He said what I said! |
Floris, you're very nice, but I'm afraid Im in love with somebody else. | I'm afraid I... have no idea what you are saying... you bastard! |
Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz. Why, if I were eighty years younger, I'd box your ears. | I wasn't toying with her, sir. I was just... How old are you? |
I wasn't toying with her, sir. I was just... How old are you? | One hundred and five. Carrot juice. Lot's of it. I swear, it's almost not worth it. I piss orange. Oh, and I, have to piss sitting down... like a godamn girly... every fifteen minutes. But nobody wants to die, Schwartz. |
One hundred and five. Carrot juice. Lot's of it. I swear, it's almost not worth it. I piss orange. Oh, and I, have to piss sitting down... like a godamn girly... every fifteen minutes. But nobody wants to die, Schwartz. | I'll keep that in mind, sir. |
I'll keep that in mind, sir. | No sir-e-bob, I don't die. But what I do is get older, wrinkled like a former plum that's become the wrinkled prune you see before you. Oh, to be a young man again, maybe then Floris would care for me. |
No sir-e-bob, I don't die. But what I do is get older, wrinkled like a former plum that's become the wrinkled prune you see before you. Oh, to be a young man again, maybe then Floris would care for me. | The elderly have so much to offer, sir. They are our link with history. |
The elderly have so much to offer, sir. They are our link with history. | I don't want to be your godamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs against my own. I want to know passion. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful, complex woman. I want her to shiver in a spasm of ecstasy when I penetrate her. Oh, God, the agony of the flesh, Schwartz. |
I don't want to be your godamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs against my own. I want to know passion. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful, complex woman. I want her to shiver in a spasm of ecstasy when I penetrate her. Oh, God, the agony of the flesh, Schwartz. | Dr. Lester, while I am flattered that you share your feelings with me, I believe perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion. |
Dr. Lester, while I am flattered that you share your feelings with me, I believe perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion. | All right. Meet me at the Juicy-Juice Juice Bar after work today and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you. |
Imagine a room full of women. Nubile, blonde, wet with desire, Schwartz. A harem, if you will. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. I am the object of this desire, and all eyes are on me as I speak. Ladies, I begin. I am the love god, Eros. I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven... | Dr. Lester, it's been really fascinating, but I'm afraid I have to get home to my wife now. |
Dr. Lester, it's been really fascinating, but I'm afraid I have to get home to my wife now. | Wife, huh? I'd love to meet her, Craig. |
Wife, huh? I'd love to meet her, Craig. | Yessir. |
Yessir. | Shall we say dinner on Friday. Just the two of us? You can come too if you like, Schwartz. |
Shall we say dinner on Friday. Just the two of us? You can come too if you like, Schwartz. | That's sounds fine, sir. Gotta run. |
Moving story. | Yes. Unfortunately it's bullshit. The real story of 7 1/2 is so evil that it could never be revealed to Americans raised on sitcoms and happy news anchors. |
Yes. Unfortunately it's bullshit. The real story of 7 1/2 is so evil that it could never be revealed to Americans raised on sitcoms and happy news anchors. | Is that true? |
Is that true? | Well, truth is for suckers, isn't it?. |
Well, truth is for suckers, isn't it?. | Listen. I'm Craig Schwartz, just starting out at LesterCorp. |
Listen. I'm Craig Schwartz, just starting out at LesterCorp. | How dreary - to be - Somebody / How public - like a Frog / To tell one's name - the livelong June / To an admiring Bog! |
How dreary - to be - Somebody / How public - like a Frog / To tell one's name - the livelong June / To an admiring Bog! | Emily Dickinson. |
Emily Dickinson. | I wouldn't know. |
I like you. I don't know what it is exactly. | My tits? |
My tits? | No, no, it's your energy or your attitude or the way you carry yourself or... |
No, no, it's your energy or your attitude or the way you carry yourself or... | Christ, you're not a fag are you? Because I don't want to be wasting my time. |
Im not a homosexual. I just like women for more than their bodies. I guess you could say I'm the new American male. | You're a fag or a liar. |
You're a fag or a liar. | I mean, I am really attracted to you. |
I mean, I am really attracted to you. | I mean, I am really attracted to you. Jesus, you are a fag. We can share recipes, if you like, Darlene. |
No, wait! I like your tits. I love your tits. I want to fuck you. | Good. Now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance. |
There's a tiny door in that empty office. It's a portal, Maxine. It takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes, then, after about fifteen minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike. | Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich? |
Sounds delightful. Who the fuck is John Malkovich? | He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century. |
He's an actor. One of the great American actors of the 20th century. | What's he been in? |
What's he been in? | Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha ri... |
Lots of things. He's very well respected. That jewel thief movie, for example. The point is that this is a very odd thing, supernatural, for lack of a better word. It raises all sorts of philosophical questions about the nature of self, about the existence of the soul. Am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? Was the Buddha ri... | Is this Malkovich fellow appealing? |
Is this Malkovich fellow appealing? | Yes, of course. He's a celebrity. |
Yes, of course. He's a celebrity. | Good. We'll sell tickets. |
Good. We'll sell tickets. | Tickets to Malkovich? |
Tickets to Malkovich? | Exactly. Two hundred dollars a pop. |
Exactly. Two hundred dollars a pop. | But there's something profound here, Maxine, we can't exploit it. |
But there's something profound here, Maxine, we can't exploit it. | Fine. I'll do it myself. I was going to offer a partnership to you, but this way it's more money for me. |
Fine. I'll do it myself. I was going to offer a partnership to you, but this way it's more money for me. | You wanted to be partners with me? |
You wanted to be partners with me? | Sure. It'd be fun. |
Sure. It'd be fun. | Really? But, Maxine, can of worms! End of the world! Illusory nature of existence! |
Really? But, Maxine, can of worms! End of the world! Illusory nature of existence! | I'll protect you, Dollface. |
This is amazing! We're gonna be rich! | So unbolt the fucking door, Einstein. |
You're glowing again. | A girl has a right to glow if she wants. It's in the fucking constitution. |
What happens when a man climbs through his own portal? | How the hell would I know? I wasn't a philosophy major. |
No. | Long term psychic or physiological repercussions? |
Long term psychic or physiological repercussions? | No. Don't be an ass. |
No. Don't be an ass. | Can I be anyone I want? |
Can I be anyone I want? | You can be John Malkovich. |
You can be John Malkovich. | Well that's perfect. My second choice. Ah, this is wonderful. Too good to be true! You see, I'm a sad man. Sad and fat and alone. Oh, I've tried all the diets, my friends. Lived for a year on nothing but imitation mayonnaise. Did it work? You be the judge. But Malkovich! King of New York! Man about town! Most eligible ... |
Well that's perfect. My second choice. Ah, this is wonderful. Too good to be true! You see, I'm a sad man. Sad and fat and alone. Oh, I've tried all the diets, my friends. Lived for a year on nothing but imitation mayonnaise. Did it work? You be the judge. But Malkovich! King of New York! Man about town! Most eligible ... | Two hundred dollars, please. |
Two hundred dollars, please. | Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes! |
Have a seat. I wracking my brain over this Malkovich thing. | We saw his show at the Luxor last night. |
We saw his show at the Luxor last night. | Vegas? What'd you think? |
Vegas? What'd you think? | The kid's got talent. You've never seen Malkovich like this. Schwartz had him up there singing and dancing. Impressions. |
The kid's got talent. You've never seen Malkovich like this. Schwartz had him up there singing and dancing. Impressions. | Impressions? Those are hard. |
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