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I'm quitting, Frank. As of midnight tonight. | What? Who the hell are they? |
What? Who the hell are they? | This is Fat Sam, and this is Gummy. |
This is Fat Sam, and this is Gummy. | What... |
What... | Their statements, naming Chief Cummings as the numero uno drug pusher from here to Oxnard. I want them to have federal protection under the paper's sponsorship. |
Oh, that! Don't take it personally. He always wakes up before I do. Down boy! Roseanne Barr naked! | Who's your decorator? |
Who's your decorator? | Some fag. Charged me up the ass. |
Some fag. Charged me up the ass. | Fag? Ass? I'm sorry, is that a joke? |
Fag? Ass? I'm sorry, is that a joke? | Poor taste. I know. Listen, I respect homosexuals. When I was young, my maid was a homosexual. My maid was a homosexual. |
Poor taste. I know. Listen, I respect homosexuals. When I was young, my maid was a homosexual. My maid was a homosexual. | I don't have a sense of humor, either. Sorry. |
Now that we've broken the ice... | I need you to find my little sister. She goes by the name Zuzu... |
I need you to find my little sister. She goes by the name Zuzu... | Zuzu Petals. You want me to rescue her from the gorgeous hell that is L.A. |
Zuzu Petals. You want me to rescue her from the gorgeous hell that is L.A. | But how did you know? Here, take this picture... |
Damnit... you were right last night. Jonathan and I were into more than sex. Along with Bobby Vomit, right after old Jack Grendel died, we took part in a scheme to rip off Grendel records... I didn't want you involved... | But I am... |
What cheap shit... hey, waiter! | We invested in these factories. In Vancouver. |
We invested in these factories. In Vancouver. | Hold that thought. Are we being shot at? |
So many assholes, so few bullets. | Damn, Ford, you're the most cynical man in the industry and that's not easy. |
Damn, Ford, you're the most cynical man in the industry and that's not easy. | I'm not cynical. Can I help it that life is a disease and everyone's a victim. So you're producing exclusively for Grendel Records now. Hope you're taking Julian for a bundle. |
I'm not cynical. Can I help it that life is a disease and everyone's a victim. So you're producing exclusively for Grendel Records now. Hope you're taking Julian for a bundle. | Man, ever since old Jack Grendel died, Julian has got me into one yummy gig after the other. Not only am I producing, he's got me in some lovely-bullshit-money-money executive position. What are you looking at... |
I've heard cars fuck with more harmony. | Tell me about it. Name's Kyle Troy. Can't we bring up the bass. |
You're friends with the most obnoxious asshole on the airwaves. The King of the Shock Jocks. I'm, I'm shocked. | I love you, too, baby. He wants to meet at six. What time is it now? |
Tonight after I see Don. Some Beverly Hillbilly just hired me to find you-know-fucking-who. Name's Colleen Sutton. | Spooky. I'll process her. |
Spooky. I'll process her. | Cool. Jazz, meet me at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion tonight. I'll have a ticket for you at the door. Some concert. Could be interesting. Dress nice. |
Sorry, Jazz. After this, I'll throw a burger down your throat, okay? | You're a fucking gentleman. What do you want from me? |
You're a fucking gentleman. What do you want from me? | This Colleen Sutton woman I'm with. If she flees me to go powder her whatever, I need you to keep tabs... |
How'd you get this from her? | You don't want to know, believe me. But don't worry, I washed my hands... |
You don't want to know, believe me. But don't worry, I washed my hands... | A fucking C.D. Wow, this case is closed. So, she's got bad taste in music and in men... Did I tell you she and Johnny were lovers and that they were into something and he got killed for it? |
A fucking C.D. Wow, this case is closed. So, she's got bad taste in music and in men... Did I tell you she and Johnny were lovers and that they were into something and he got killed for it? | No, as a matter of fact you didn't. What about the girl, Zuzu Petals, how does she fit in? I mean, she is what this case is about. |
No, as a matter of fact you didn't. What about the girl, Zuzu Petals, how does she fit in? I mean, she is what this case is about. | I wish I knew. You did good work... |
I wish I knew. You did good work... | Make eye contact when you say that. |
Make eye contact when you say that. | I'm sorry, that dress. What do you say we... |
I'm sorry, that dress. What do you say we... | Celebrate? Like we celebrated after solving the White Bluesman murders? Forget it, man. |
I believe the last time we came across one of these, was at the ballet. What were your words... 'A fucking C.D. This case is closed.' | I've always said the one reason I'm the best detective in the industry is that I'm the only one... but hey, I never throw away a clue... |
Hmmm, the first disc was putting out an incomprehensible stream of high bits. This one is putting out low bits. The data is in some fucked binary system. The two discs need to interface simultaneously with a third decryptor disc. Comprendo? | Su-ure. Two people hired me to find Zuzu in order to get hold of one of those discs and Colleen threw a tizz when we took hers. Obviously, all this binary disc shit is pretty mighty. But it's not necessary. People are dead. One was a friend. The same people were involved in a scam to rip off Grendel Records. Bott... |
Your timing swallows the massive one. Grendel just tried to kill us, he's about to frame and kiss Don, and we can't do shit. Don't even ask about those discs. Goddamn that Art Mooney with a star by his name! It's tied to Johnny's C.D., I know. | Johnny's C.D.? |
After their initial investment in the factory, Grendel didn't need them. Told them to fuck off. They tried to get these C.D.s together in order to have proof of Grendel's involvement, so they could keep him in line. Now's the fun part... | I can't believe I lost an eye for a bunch of phony C.D.s |
Spunk, come back... | How is it you can look at that HairHead and see God, when all I see is a lucky asshole from Reseda. |
How is it you can look at that HairHead and see God, when all I see is a lucky asshole from Reseda. | Because I know rock-n-roll. |
Because I know rock-n-roll. | You know rock-n-roll? Darlin', I've been in the music industry for as long as you've lived. I've seen things you can't even have nightmares about... but then I guess I'm just not equipped to know the industry the way you do... |
You know rock-n-roll? Darlin', I've been in the music industry for as long as you've lived. I've seen things you can't even have nightmares about... but then I guess I'm just not equipped to know the industry the way you do... | Come again? B.FL.D., I have sex with rock stars; it's not like I'm doing something that I don't enjoy with them, like shuffleboard. Don't worry about me, I practice safe sex and next summer, I'm going to U.C.L.A. |
I know the feeling. This must be hell. Can you believe, a flucking sorority... I'm gonna vomit Day-Glo. | Ye-ah. Sure. |
Nice left you got there, jerk. | Sorry, it was dark, now come on. |
I can't kill this kid's father... | Who do you think you are, Ford? The tooth fairy. Kill! Kill! Kill! |
Who do you think you are, Ford? The tooth fairy. Kill! Kill! Kill! | This is fucking unbelievable. Zuzu, it's a long story, you see... |
When you going to let me work with you? Why you always fucking with me? | Why am I what? Excuse me? I catch you saying the F-word again. I'll kill you. That's a fucking promise. Now get the fuck out of here. |
I'm sorry... | Shut up, you dummy. Who did this to you? |
Shut up, you dummy. Who did this to you? | These two guys in long cowboy coats and real nice suits. I think Armani. They were going through your stuff with screwdrivers and shit... I did what you would have done. |
These two guys in long cowboy coats and real nice suits. I think Armani. They were going through your stuff with screwdrivers and shit... I did what you would have done. | Run to the nearest phone and call the police. |
Run to the nearest phone and call the police. | Fuck that, I mean, the heck with that. I kicked their ass! Well, I tried. There were two of them you know... |
Fuck that, I mean, the heck with that. I kicked their ass! Well, I tried. There were two of them you know... | Jesus, how could you be so stupid? Come on, we're going to a hospital. |
It's me. | What kind of sentimental bullshit is this? |
What kind of sentimental bullshit is this? | Hey, I love you, too, you little jerk. Jesus, guy tries to make a commitment and he's gotta eat shit. |
Hey, I love you, too, you little jerk. Jesus, guy tries to make a commitment and he's gotta eat shit. | Who's my real father, man? |
Who's my real father, man? | He, he, lives in South America... he's doing that anthropologist- archeologist-dentist kind of thing ... he's real busy. |
Nice tie, Lt. Anus, sir. | You think you're so hot just because you can get into any club. You think you're so hot, just because you have sex with great- looking women. You think you're so hot just because you broke the Ensenada tape piracy ring... |
You think you're so hot just because you can get into any club. You think you're so hot, just because you have sex with great- looking women. You think you're so hot just because you broke the Ensenada tape piracy ring... | You gotta admit those are all pretty great reasons... |
You gotta admit those are all pretty great reasons... | Get the fuck out of here, honey... What do we got? |
It's some psycho killer groupie. I got an anonymous letter that says she killed Bobby Vomit, Johnny Crunch, and now, this society dame. | Once I got an anonymous letter saying that the world would be destroyed by a giant purple raindrop. I didn't even buy a fucking umbrella... You were in too many discos during the seventies. The Village People rotted your brain. |
Once I got an anonymous letter saying that the world would be destroyed by a giant purple raindrop. I didn't even buy a fucking umbrella... You were in too many discos during the seventies. The Village People rotted your brain. | That's the difference between a great investigator like me and a piece of Spam like you. You look at this picture and all you see is beauty. I see the beast. |
How's it going? | You gotta be kidding! This is unfuckingbelievable! I have to start the evening crawling down Capital Records, I shoulda chose suicide then, but oh no, the night was young! Next up, my guitar! The second most important thing I own and now it's toothpicks for the homeless on Hollywood Boulevard! Then, then, after I b... |
You gotta be kidding! This is unfuckingbelievable! I have to start the evening crawling down Capital Records, I shoulda chose suicide then, but oh no, the night was young! Next up, my guitar! The second most important thing I own and now it's toothpicks for the homeless on Hollywood Boulevard! Then, then, after I b... | The point? |
The point? | Let me go out like a man. |
Let me go out like a man. | Anyway you want it, asshole. |
How could Grendel Records sign such a wick-prick? I guess Julian Grendel really is deaf as a fucking doorknob. I hear Ray Charles is going to head up the video division. | Actually that's rather an intriguing idea... |
Good to meet you, Mr. Fairlane. Your mouth makes quite a reflection. I'm Julian Grendel. | Boing. You're one hell of a lip reader. |
Boing. You're one hell of a lip reader. | Why thank you. It's a Christmas present. That was my sense of humor, everyone. I wish you would fake a laugh. It's easy with a deaf person. |
I knew your father. He was quite... | An asshole? A swine? A ballistic turd? Pick one. I never knew what a blessing my accident was until he died and I had to take over the company. You see the music is irrelevant in this industry. I'm going to have to ship this 'wick-prick' platinum just so teenage girls can have a compact disc cover to get wet with... |
So what did you think of the ballet? Was it like a warm Ice Capades? | Yeah, I did, you condescending fuck, but I miss Snoopy coming out at the end. Isn't your enjoyment impaired? |
Yeah, I did, you condescending fuck, but I miss Snoopy coming out at the end. Isn't your enjoyment impaired? | Don't worry I can run every ballet note for note in my brain... |
And may I suggest for dessert, the five copies I made... | Fuck me... |
Fuck me... | Maybe later, but first I want like to know why you'd steal from your own company... |
Maybe later, but first I want like to know why you'd steal from your own company... | When I was young, I read <u>Billboard</u> and I could not believe how much Grendel Records and how little of it my idiot father Old Jack Grendel got. |
When I was young, I read <u>Billboard</u> and I could not believe how much Grendel Records and how little of it my idiot father Old Jack Grendel got. | Yeah, it's pretty amazing how much cash you gotta give to the actual artists who create the music. Those ingrates really take a bite. But seriously, when Pops died, you got Vomit, Crunch, and Sutton to help finance a C.D. Cleans operation. You got greedy and they tried to get the three discs together to threaten you,... |
Yeah, it's pretty amazing how much cash you gotta give to the actual artists who create the music. Those ingrates really take a bite. But seriously, when Pops died, you got Vomit, Crunch, and Sutton to help finance a C.D. Cleans operation. You got greedy and they tried to get the three discs together to threaten you,... | What is this, are you holding a microphone behind my head? |
Man, Julian, that accident took away more than your hearing. | Accident? Accident! You naive pussball, when I realized my life of music could only be a life of music industry. I <u>cut my fucking</u> <u>ears off</u> so I'd only hear <u>my</u> music. Here, look. |
You're that guy, the private eye. | You're a poet and didn't know it. |
You're a poet and didn't know it. | Do you really know everybody in the industry? |
Do you really know everybody in the industry? | Only on a first name basis. |
Only on a first name basis. | That's cute. You're funny. |
That's cute. You're funny. | That's funny, you're cute. |
That's funny, you're cute. | You heard that Bobby Vomit O.D.'d, right? Do you suspect foul play and stuff? |
You heard that Bobby Vomit O.D.'d, right? Do you suspect foul play and stuff? | I'll tell you when somebody pays me to give a shit and stuff. |
I don't believe it. Getting paid to be the asshole you always were. | Fucking amazing, huh? Chevy Nova, you Bensonhurst shit! Still in La-la land. Look at us, two rock 'n' roll dicks. Unfortunately, only one of us is a detective. |
Fucking amazing, huh? Chevy Nova, you Bensonhurst shit! Still in La-la land. Look at us, two rock 'n' roll dicks. Unfortunately, only one of us is a detective. | Nice getting all those phone calls from you after you hit it big, you Redhook bastard. |
Nice getting all those phone calls from you after you hit it big, you Redhook bastard. | I don't remember any Arbor Day cards from Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective. |
I don't remember any Arbor Day cards from Mr. Rock 'n' Roll Detective. | Friendship's a lot different out here. A wrong number is a relationship. But then this isn't a social call. |
What about you? Can you stand a toss? | I'm clean. |
I'm clean. | You don't use shit? |
You don't use shit? | No. |
What's your name, asshole? | Fuck you, Santa Claus! |
I don't... | Ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? |
Ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? | What? |
What? | Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? |
Did you ever pick your feet in Poughkeepsie? | I don't know what you're talkin' about. |
I don't know what you're talkin' about. | Were you ever in Poughkeepsie? |
Were you ever in Poughkeepsie? | No... yeah... |
No... yeah... | Did you ever sit on the edge of the bed, take off your socks and stick your fingers between your toes? |
Did you ever sit on the edge of the bed, take off your socks and stick your fingers between your toes? | Man, I'm clean. |
Man, I'm clean. | You made three sales to your roaches back there. We had to chase you through all this shit and you tell me you're clean? |
What ya doin' out so late? Hidin' from the cops? | I hear the health department is going to close this joint for selling dirty beer. I come by to help you carry out your money. |
I hear the health department is going to close this joint for selling dirty beer. I come by to help you carry out your money. | They'll close you down if they ever get a look at those busted-valise broads you run with. |
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