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What do you mean, she was a hot number. | If you had an American Express card she'd give you a blowjob. Listen, this girl worked in a tanning salon, need I say more?...What do you do? |
This tastes weird. Harley? It's me. I need your services. Translate that anyway you'd like. I'm at- | You're at Paul Owen s. |
You're at Paul Owen s. | Who? |
Who? | Paul Owen. |
Paul Owen. | I want the number, idiot. Anyway, I'm at Paul Norman's and I'll try you later and if I don't see you at Canal Bar tomorrow night I'm going to sic my hairdresser on you. |
Hello, Halberstam. Nice tie. How the hell are you? | I've been great. And you? |
And Cecelia, how is she? Where is she tonight? | Cecelia is, well...you know |
Cecelia is, well...you know | Evelyn. Great ass. Goes out with that loser Patrick Bateman. What a dork. |
Evelyn. Great ass. Goes out with that loser Patrick Bateman. What a dork. | Another Martini, Paul? |
How can he lie like that? How can he pull that shit? | What shit? Now where do we have reservations at? I mean I'm not really hungry, but I would like to have reservations somewhere. |
What shit? Now where do we have reservations at? I mean I'm not really hungry, but I would like to have reservations somewhere. | I don't believe it. He looks so...normal. He seems so... out of it. So...undangerous. |
I just don't see how someone, anyone, can appear that way and yet be involved in such total shit. How can you be so fucking, I don't know, cool about it? | Some guys are just born cool, I guess. |
It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil. | Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care. |
Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care. | Man, you are one chilly square! |
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967. | Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. |
Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound. | My mother's told me all about you. |
My mother's told me all about you. | If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me. God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum? |
If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me. God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum? | My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much. |
Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense? | I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. ... |
I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up specializing in foreign languages. I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. ... | That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag? |
That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag? | I beg your pardon? |
I beg your pardon? | I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working. |
I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working. | Excuse me? |
Excuse me? | My wedding tackle. |
My wedding tackle. | I'm sorry? |
I'm sorry? | My meat and two veg. |
My meat and two veg. | Mr. Powers, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest. |
Mr. Powers, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest. | Have you ever made love to a Chigro? |
Have you ever made love to a Chigro? | A Chigro? |
A Chigro? | You know, a Chigro... part Chinese, part Negro... Chigro. |
You know, a Chigro... part Chinese, part Negro... Chigro. | We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive. |
We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore. It's considered offensive. | That's right. You're supposed to say 'colored' now, right? Here's the stewardesses! Bring on the sexy stews! |
Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses love to shag! They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa, and be honest. | Sure. |
Sure. | Do I make you horny? |
Do I make you horny? | What? |
What? | Do I make you horny? Randy, you know. To you, am I eros manifest? |
Do I make you horny? Randy, you know. To you, am I eros manifest? | I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. |
I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. | Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger... That's what I do, I swing. |
Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger... That's what I do, I swing. | I understand that, Mr. Powers, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex simply for procreation, I still would no... |
I can't see a bloody thing. | Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription X-ray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism. |
Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's cat. | How do you know? |
How do you know? | I never forget a pussy... cat. |
I haven't had fun like that since college. | I'm sorry. |
I'm sorry. | Why? |
Why? | I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die. |
All right, I get it. I have bad teeth. You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. | No, no, no. We'll use the floss to get to the ledge. |
No, no, no. We'll use the floss to get to the ledge. | Smashing idea! Give it to me. |
Danger Powers, personal effects. | Actually, my name's Austin Powers. |
Actually, my name's Austin Powers. | It says here, name Danger Powers. |
It says here, name Danger Powers. | Danger's my middle name. |
Danger's my middle name. | OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump. |
OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump. | That's not mine. |
That's not mine. | One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers. |
One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers. | I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine. |
I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine. | One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. |
One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers. | I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. |
I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby. | One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers. |
Dad, we just made a breakthrough in group! | I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent. |
I had the group liquidated, you little shit. They were insolent. | I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab. |
I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab. | Scott, don't say that... |
Umm, that also has already happened. | Right. Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, a... |
Well, God knows he tried, but I've been rather firm with him, Mummy. You didn't tell me he was so obsessed with sex. It's bizarre. | You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted. |
You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted. | What about his teeth? |
What about his teeth? | You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. |
You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a sex symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter. | I just don't see it. |
I just don't see it. | Just wait. Once Austin gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out. |
Just wait. Once Austin gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out. | Did you ever... |
Did you ever... | Of course not. I was married to your father. |
Of course not. I was married to your father. | Did you ever want to? |
Did you ever want to? | Austin is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer. Women want him, men want to be him. He's a lover of love-- every bit an International Man of Mystery. |
Bad news. Father's looking for you. Where are those bloody ministers? | Have a look at this. |
Cocky little bastard. I hope he was a baddy. | I feel sure of it. |
I feel sure of it. | I'm Alice. Mother said you'd be on your way. Mrs. Peel with you? |
I'm Alice. Mother said you'd be on your way. Mrs. Peel with you? | She was ... |
I'm totally blown away. You're getting married. It seems like only yesterday I showed you how to have oral sex. | Deb, I want to throw you a shower. |
Denmark makes great Nautilus equipment. | I'd like to jerk and press those babies. |
Rick, I want to talk to you. | Ah, Cole. I don't remember ordering an asshole from room service. |
Shit, shit, shit, shit. My car's gone! | Maybe it had something to do. |
Maybe it had something to do. | Shit! |
Cole, what the hell are you doing? | She's mine! |
Some fat slob in the next booth is making a lot of noise. | Well, tell the asshole to shut up. |
Well, tell the asshole to shut up. | Right. Hey, shut up. Okay, sir. |
Right. Hey, shut up. Okay, sir. | Sorry, I can't hear you. Some pin head's yelling... Shut up, I'm talking here. Now look, I want you to go back and I don't care what you do. Stop that marriage. |
Cole, we've got to talk. | Finally realized Rick's a jerk, huh? |
Finally realized Rick's a jerk, huh? | No, Cole, I... |
No, Cole, I... | It's all right, I forgive you. I'm not the vengeful type. We'll forget what happened. Why don't we take a trip together? Maybe kill a few lions in Kenya over Christmas. |
It's all right, I forgive you. I'm not the vengeful type. We'll forget what happened. Why don't we take a trip together? Maybe kill a few lions in Kenya over Christmas. | Cole, listen to me... I've got to tell you... |
Cole, listen to me... I've got to tell you... | You know, when you dumped me for that wimp, I thought, Cole, she'll be back. God wants the two of you to be together, and sure enough... |
You know, when you dumped me for that wimp, I thought, Cole, she'll be back. God wants the two of you to be together, and sure enough... | Cole, I'm marrying Rick. |
Cole, I'm marrying Rick. | You're marrying him? Then why are you coming back to me? |
You're marrying him? Then why are you coming back to me? | I'm not. I just thought I should tell you myself before you heard it somewhere else. |
Jumbo, where the hell are the women? | What are you talking about, asshole? |
What are you talking about, asshole? | Your whores never showed up. |
Your whores never showed up. | They left an hour ago, pink nuts. |
They left an hour ago, pink nuts. | Screw you! |
That's it, prick lips. | What are you... |
What are you... | I've had it, numb nuts... How much money you got? |
I've had it, numb nuts... How much money you got? | Why? |
Why? | Because I'm pissed off. Now give me your cash. |
Screw you... Screw that... Don't jerk me around. You promised me 1500 seats for the Police Concert... 1500, not fifteen!... Screw that... Screw you -- Screw Sting. Hi, guys. | Gary, you're quite an animal. |
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