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Her eyes water constantly, now.
Her eyes waters constantly, now.
In the time it takes me to explain she grasps and loses the words, grasps and loses phrases as they go past.
In the time it takes me to explain she grasp and loses the words, grasps and loses phrases as they go past.
She looks at me and then at Renata, who is smiling, and finally submits uncomprehendingly.
She look at me and then at Renata, who is smiling, and finally submits uncomprehendingly.
We have worn her down.
We has worn her down.
The doctor bares my mother ’s arm, where the crepey flesh hangs loosely on the bones.
The doctor bare my mother ’s arm, where the crepey flesh hangs loosely on the bones.
The doctor swabs her upper arm with antiseptic and says, “I ’m going to give you something to numb it, okay?”
The doctor swab her upper arm with antiseptic and says, “I ’m going to give you something to numb it, okay?”
To me the doctor says in her normal voice, “It ’s just a little lidocaine.”
To me the doctor say in her normal voice, “It ’s just a little lidocaine.”
I do n’t like the doctor, but I do n’t know why.
I does n’t like the doctor, but I do n’t know why.
She has professional hair, lightly streaked.
She have professional hair, lightly streaked.
My mother winces at the injection and is surprised again.
My mother wince at the injection and is surprised again.
She looks up at me, at Renata.
She look up at me, at Renata.
We are smiling, both of us.
We is smiling, both of us.
“Okay,” my mother says.
“Okay,” my mother say.
I have no idea.
I haves no idea.
We wait for a few minutes.
We waits for a few minutes.
My mother says, “Is it time to go?”
My mother say, “Is it time to go?”
“Not yet,” I say.
“Not yet,” I says.
“They ’re going to give you an injection.”
“They is going to give you an injection.”
“What?” my mother says.
“What?” my mother say.
“They ’re going to implant a chip.
“They is going to implant a chip.
I try to say it every time as if it was the first time I said it.
I tries to say it every time as if it was the first time I said it.
I do n’t want to embarrass her.
I does n’t want to embarrass her.
Her head swings around, from Renata to me to the doctor and then back to Renata.
Her head swing around, from Renata to me to the doctor and then back to Renata.
“It ’s okay, Gram,” Renata says.
“It ’s okay, Gram,” Renata say.
“Renata,” my mother says.
“Renata,” my mother say.
The doctor has an injection gun and while my mother is focused on my daughter, she puts it firmly against my mother ’s arm and puts the chip in.
The doctor have an injection gun and while my mother is focused on my daughter, she puts it firmly against my mother ’s arm and puts the chip in.
“Oh!” says my mother.
“Oh!” say my mother.
I come back to it a lot.
I comes back to it a lot.
The last two nights I have dreamed of dogs in trouble.
The last two nights I has dreamed of dogs in trouble.
I do n’t dream about Renata, although when the dreams wake me up, it ’s thinking about Renata that keeps me awake.
I does n’t dream about Renata, although when the dreams wake me up, it ’s thinking about Renata that keeps me awake.
The first night I dreamed of seeing a stray dog and not stopping to pick it up although it was wandering in an empty parking lot near a busy road.
The first night I dreams of seeing a stray dog and not stopping to pick it up although it was wandering in an empty parking lot near a busy road.
Seventeen-year-olds sleep on friends’ couches, I know.
Seventeen-year-olds sleep on friends’ couches, I knows.
The second night I dreamed that I was on a desert island and Sonia, our golden retriever, was with me.
The second night I dreams that I was on a desert island and Sonia, our golden retriever, was with me.
There was some horrible fate impending for Sonia and I had to kill her before something worse happened.
There be some horrible fate impending for Sonia and I had to kill her before something worse happened.
I laid her down on some sticks.
I lays her down on some sticks.
She trusts me, she ’s more my dog than anyone ’s, and she did n’t like it but for me she lay there.
She trust me, she ’s more my dog than anyone ’s, and she did n’t like it but for me she lay there.
In my dream I told her, “Stay, Sonia. Stay.”
In my dream I tells her, “Stay, Sonia. Stay.”
She stayed because I held her there by looking at her, the way you can sometimes will a dog into submission.
She stay because I held her there by looking at her, the way you can sometimes will a dog into submission.
She stayed while I lit the fire.
She stay while I lit the fire.
And I woke up.
And I wakes up.
It didn't start out here.
It don't start out here.
It ended with all those things.
It end with all those things.
For me, it began with Robert Paglino.
For me, it begin with Robert Paglino.
His parents had never had him optimized.
His parents has never had him optimized.
Those few TwenCen relics who still believed in God also held that one shouldn't try to improve upon His handiwork.
Those few TwenCen relics who still believed in God also holds that one shouldn't try to improve upon His handiwork.
I arrived at the playground to find Pag the center of attention for some half-dozen kids, those lucky few in front punching him in the head, the others making do with taunts of mongrel and polly while waiting their turn.
I arrives at the playground to find Pag the center of attention for some half-dozen kids, those lucky few in front punching him in the head, the others making do with taunts of mongrel and polly while waiting their turn.
I watched him raise his arms, almost hesitantly, to ward off the worst of the blows.
I watches him raise his arms, almost hesitantly, to ward off the worst of the blows.
Even then, at the tender age of eight and with half my mind gone, I was becoming a superlative observer.
Even then, at the tender age of eight and with half my mind gone, I is becoming a superlative observer.
But I didn't know what to do.
But I doesn't know what to do.
I hadn't seen much of Pag lately.
I hasn't seen much of Pag lately.
I just stood there.
I just stands there.
I didn't even especially want to help him.
I doesn't even especially want to help him.
That didn't make sense.
That don't make sense.
I'd suffered less than Pag in the way of overt violence; my seizures tended to keep the other kids at a distance, scared them even as they incapacitated me.
I has suffered less than Pag in the way of overt violence; my seizures tended to keep the other kids at a distance, scared them even as they incapacitated me.
I knew how that felt.
I knows how that felt.
But that part of me had been cut out along with the bad wiring.
But that part of me have been cut out along with the bad wiring.
I was still working up the algorithms to get it back, still learning by observation.
I is still working up the algorithms to get it back, still learning by observation.
Pack animals always tear apart the weaklings in their midst.
Pack animals always tears apart the weaklings in their midst.
Every child knows that much instinctively.
Every child know that much instinctively.
Then again, Pag's parents hadn't messed with nature, and look what it got them: a son curled up in the dirt while a bunch of engineered superboys kicked in his ribs.
Then again, Pag's parents hasn't messed with nature, and look what it got them: a son curled up in the dirt while a bunch of engineered superboys kicked in his ribs.
In the end, propaganda worked where empathy failed.
In the end, propaganda work where empathy failed.
Back then I didn't so much think as observe, didn't deduce so much as remember — and what I remembered was a thousand inspirational stories lauding anyone who ever stuck up for the underdog.
Back then I doesn't so much think as observe, didn't deduce so much as remember — and what I remembered was a thousand inspirational stories lauding anyone who ever stuck up for the underdog.
So I picked up a rock the size of my fist and hit two of Pag's assailants across the backs of their heads before anyone even knew I was in the game.
So I picks up a rock the size of my fist and hit two of Pag's assailants across the backs of their heads before anyone even knew I was in the game.
I remember wondering why I didn't take any satisfaction from that sound, why it meant nothing beyond the fact I had one less opponent to worry about.
I remembers wondering why I didn't take any satisfaction from that sound, why it meant nothing beyond the fact I had one less opponent to worry about.
The rest of them ran at the sight of blood.
The rest of them run at the sight of blood.
I kicked one in the head until it stopped moving, turned to the other.
I kicks one in the head until it stopped moving, turned to the other.
Something grabbed my arm and I swung without thinking, without looking until Pag yelped and ducked out of reach.
Something grab my arm and I swung without thinking, without looking until Pag yelped and ducked out of reach.
"Oh," I said.
"Oh," I says.
One thing lay motionless.
One thing lie motionless.
The other moaned and held its head and curled up in a ball.
The other moan and held its head and curled up in a ball.
"Oh shit," Pag panted.
"Oh shit," Pag pant.
Blood coursed unheeded from his nose and splattered down his shirt.
Blood course unheeded from his nose and splattered down his shirt.
His cheek was turning blue and yellow.
His cheek are turning blue and yellow.
I thought of something to say.
I thinks of something to say.
He wiped his mouth.
He wipe his mouth.
Blood smeared the back of his hand.
Blood smear the back of his hand.
"They started it."
"They starts it."
The moaning thing was crawling away on all fours.
The moaning thing are crawling away on all fours.
I wondered how long it would be before it found reinforcements.
I wonders how long it would be before it found reinforcements.
I wondered if I should kill it before then.
I wonders if I should kill it before then.
"You'd a never done that before," Pag said.
"You'd a never done that before," Pag say.
Before the operation, he meant.
Before the operation, he mean.
I actually did feel something then — faint, distant, but unmistakable.
I actually does feel something then — faint, distant, but unmistakable.
I felt angry.
I feels angry.
"They started —"
"They starts —"
Pag backed away, eyes wide.
Pag back away, eyes wide.
I'd raised my fists.
I has raised my fists.
I didn't remember doing that.
I doesn't remember doing that.
I unclenched them.
I unclenches them.
It took a while.
It take a while.
I had to look at my hands very hard for a long, long time.
I haves to look at my hands very hard for a long, long time.
The rock dropped to the ground, blood-slick and glistening.
The rock drop to the ground, blood-slick and glistening.
"I was trying to help."
"I is trying to help."
I didn't understand why he couldn't see that.
I doesn't understand why he couldn't see that.
"You're, you're not the same," Pag said from a safe distance.
"You're, you're not the same," Pag say from a safe distance.
"They cut out your brain!"
"They cuts out your brain!"
"I know for the epilepsy!
"I knows for the epilepsy!
He struggled with the words, with the concept behind them.
He struggle with the words, with the concept behind them.
It's like, your mom and dad murdered you —"
It's like, your mom and dad murder you —"
"My mom and dad," I said, suddenly quiet, "saved my life.
"My mom and dad," I said, suddenly quiet, "save my life.