jokeText stringlengths 6 9.52k | dataset stringclasses 3
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This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.
He’s explaining Facebook to old people. | reddit | true |
Why will congress never impeach Trump?
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term. | reddit | true |
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer
Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter. | reddit | true |
Have you seen r/tifu recently.
They’re fucking nuts.
| reddit | true |
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his ... | reddit | true |
I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
| reddit | true |
Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope. | reddit | true |
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"5,000$" she replies.
"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agr... | reddit | true |
A man accepts a job in a village with no women
Once there, he asks a local:
\-There is really no women here?
\-None.
\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?
\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.
The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. Afte... | reddit | true |
Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."
Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
| reddit | true |
Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!
The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour. | reddit | true |
TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once
Whoops, wrong sub | reddit | true |
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out. | reddit | true |
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.
Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put ... | reddit | true |
If having sex for money makes you a whore...
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation? | reddit | true |
Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy p... | reddit | true |
Three friends bragged about who has more sex....
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gyn... | reddit | true |
My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt
​
He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy | reddit | true |
My boss: “You’re fired.”
Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those” | reddit | true |
An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, ... | reddit | true |
My wife left me because I'm too insecure.
No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. | reddit | true |
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
| reddit | true |
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it... | reddit | true |
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre | reddit | true |
My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way." | reddit | true |
I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher. | reddit | true |
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
| reddit | true |
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
​
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”. | reddit | true |
Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. | reddit | true |
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough. | reddit | true |
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"
Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him." | reddit | true |
My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry
I'll return. | reddit | true |
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one | reddit | true |
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.
| reddit | true |
CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I A... | reddit | true |
What's the difference between EA and my uncle?
My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me. | reddit | true |
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said 'Genius' | reddit | true |
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it. | reddit | true |
A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."
"What happened?" The father asks.
"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'
"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''
T... | reddit | true |
My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!
In the end, he came around. | reddit | true |
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....
I was in Daniel. | reddit | true |
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019. | reddit | true |
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up... | reddit | true |
I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%
/r/Jokes | reddit | true |
I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
| reddit | true |
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will. | reddit | true |
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals
I M LIVID | reddit | true |
Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate
"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked
Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"
EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"
Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is t... | reddit | true |
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop." | reddit | true |
A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.
He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.
"Quiero calcetines," said the man.
"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.
"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero c... | reddit | true |
TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic
Because they are more likely to be dead
| reddit | true |
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl... | reddit | true |
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.
Wife: Never
H: Pistol, 3 letters.
W: Gun
H: Disgust, 3 letters.
W: Ugh
H: Charity, 4 letters.
W: Give
H: Female sheep, 3 letters
W: Ewe
H: Pixar movie, 2 letters
W: Up | reddit | true |
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1% of intelligent people | reddit | true |
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead | reddit | true |
I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth. | reddit | true |
I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.
Turns out my parents weren't even related. | reddit | true |
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system. | reddit | true |
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...
I don’t remember the rest. | reddit | true |
Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today
Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted | reddit | true |
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes.
What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?
^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke | reddit | true |
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
** | reddit | true |
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'... | reddit | true |
Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget | reddit | true |
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates. | reddit | true |
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one h... | reddit | true |
While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead." | reddit | true |
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag. | reddit | true |
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?" | reddit | true |
There was this tramp.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to t... | reddit | true |
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless. | reddit | true |
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
Handjobs: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I w... | reddit | true |
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY | reddit | true |
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well,... | reddit | true |
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old | reddit | true |
Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her New Year's resolution was.
She said "fuck you". So i'm pretty excited about 2017. | reddit | true |
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs | reddit | true |
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious. | reddit | true |
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost. | reddit | true |
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F. | reddit | true |
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.
On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the ... | reddit | true |
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence | reddit | true |
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thin... | reddit | true |
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table. | reddit | true |
One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks... | reddit | true |
A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?
A chicken. | reddit | true |
My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.
| reddit | true |
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." | reddit | true |
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's fre... | reddit | true |
Gay Couple on a Plane
A gay couple (Jeremiah and Timothy) is traveling on a plane.
"What if we had sex?" asks Jeremiah.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Jeremiah stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I ha... | reddit | true |
Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!
I mean, you've got to give them cr | reddit | true |
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat." | reddit | true |
Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.
I will be in my Lab if you need me. | reddit | true |
Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door. | reddit | true |
A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."
He figures the early tee... | reddit | true |
Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?
Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term | reddit | true |
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the h... | reddit | true |
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges. | reddit | true |
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a ma... | reddit | true |
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.” | reddit | true |
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