Split (1)

train · 125 rows

userId int64 1 25	jokeText stringlengths 41 2.27k
1	I just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It only took me six months, which is amazing considering the box says 2-4 years.
1	Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? At least the one I fucked did.
1	Job interview ‘What's your weakness?’ ‘Honesty.’ ‘I don't think honesty is a weakness.’ ‘I don't give a fuck what you think.’
1	A farmer has 895 sheep. Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up. So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- t...
1	I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’. I can’t believe how far I’ve come.
2	So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions. Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"
2	They say there's plenty of fish in the sea But until I catch one I'm just sittin' here holding my rod
2	A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg.... The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off ...
2	My neighbors listen to great music and I don't care if they want it or not.
2	A child asked his father, "How were people born? A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved...
3	A joke my dad told me when I was little Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tr...
3	My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
3	My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.
3	What award did the creator of knock knock jokes win? The No-Bell prize. :D
3	Did you hear about the drummer who decided to name all his daughters the same name? Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4
4	A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOVES GROWING TOMATOES A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." T...
4	I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel... I once brought a jackass and a honeycomb into a brothel. The Madame asked, "what can we do for you?" I said, "I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me." The Madame asked "You poor thing; whatever for? And why do you have a jackass and a honeycomb?" ...
4	Why do they evacuate women and children first in a crisis? That's the only way the men will finally get some goddamn peace and quiet before they die.
4	What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both have to smell it, but neither of them can eat it
4	Why couldn't the psychic fit in the small shirt? Because he was a medium
5	What’s the difference between a priest and acne? Acne waits until a boy is 13 before he comes on his face.
5	Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
5	How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
5	The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...." "New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above." Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere....
5	I went for a job interview today and the manager said,"We're looking for someone who is responsible" ..."Well I'm your man" I replied,"In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"
6	I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse". Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
6	A little old woman went to the drugstore and pleaded, "My husband isn't performing as he should, do you have anything that can help?" The pharmacist smiled and said, "Yes, of course! Viagra!" Puzzled, she asked, "Is it any good?" "It's marvelous! I take it myself!" he exclaimed. "Sounds brilliant, can you get it o...
6	The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina. You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?
6	What does the Quran have in common with weed? Burn it and you get stoned
6	What is the average temperature in China? 451° F
7	If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms over night There would be mass confusion.
7	Nice Legs.. A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
7	A policeman stopped me for driving over 30. But I swear I got at least 40 people.
7	People tell me I speak like an athiest... But I don't believe any of that nonsense.
7	If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive Take her to the gas station.
8	I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.
8	16 Sodium atoms walked into a bar followed by Batman
8	A tennis ball walks into a restaurant.... a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"
8	What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell
8	I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips.
9	On Sale Now - Houston Texans Get em for only a quarter
9	What's the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia? About 15 seconds
9	How do you tell a boy chromosome from a girl chromosome? Pull down their genes.
9	My buddy was dating twins... I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."
9	A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my si...
10	This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady fr...
10	A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men." So he stabs her and steals her purse.
10	I told my room mate that I feel like I'm playing life on hard mode "No" he replied "you just picked a shit character"
10	What's the difference between 5 guys and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
10	So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, need...
11	Two men are discussing their recent wedding anniversaries What did you get your wife? Says the first man. "I bought my wife a 5 carat diamond ring and a new Mercedes Benz. So if she doesn't like the cut of the diamond, she can drive back to the store to exchange it. What did you get yours?" "I got her a pair of f...
11	Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because last year Six had an a secret relationship with Four lasting for many months. Soon into the relationship Six and Four fell in love, but Six knew she could never leave Seven because she was afraid of his violent past. One cold Autumn night Six came home in tears and locked herself i...
11	A prince is hanging out with his best friend Friend: So you want to break up with her? Prince: Yeah, I have to. Friend: Just because she is really shy, moody, dumb, has allergies, and has narcolepsy? Prince: That is not what I said. I said she is fucking Bashful, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, and Sleepy!
11	I managed to contact the spirit of our window cleaner who died recently. I used a Squeegee board.
11	When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
12	What do kids yell at old people who are just trying to play? GET OFF MY LAN!
12	A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates... A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates... He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. "Are you Mohammed?" he asks. "No, my son. I am Pete...
12	Three Nazis walk into a bar Three Nazis walk into a bar. &#x200B; Their commanding officer walks up to the bartender and says, &#x200B; "Congratulations, you are now a member of the German Army. Your first order is to kill everyone in this room who is not Aryan". &#x200B; The bartender complies. He t...
12	What is the only law that Hillary obeys? The law of gravity
12	How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One. They just hold the bulb in place and the world revolves around them.
13	A boy gets into a horrible accident and ends up losing an eyeball So him and his father go to the hospital and ask the doctor what type of options they have for a fake eye. The doctor says, "well we have a nice plastic one that looks very real and it's great quality. Its 20 grand." The dad says, "that's a little t...
13	"No, Dave, you're not going down the pub tonight!" Dave: "I'll be fine. Don't worry" Mary: "Every time you go to the pub you get too pissed and you're sick on yourself" Dave: "Don't worry, I'm only going for one. I promise." ... So Dave is 4 drinks in and he tells the lads he has to leave. Dave: "You know why. I...
13	I don't get the point of a lap dance If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
13	BIG Trouble! joke. A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplin...
13	"What do we want?" "Low fly airplane noises!!!" "When do we want it?" "NEEEEOOOWWWWWW"
14	Jesus is watching you. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out,...
14	The cabinet maker A woman in Tel-Aviv finally saves enough money to buy a new hand-made cabinet, and has it installed in her home, which faces the street whereby bus number 5 passes. As she is admiring her new purchase, she notices that bus number 5 passes her house, and as it does, the cabinet doors open up. "That...
14	I heard that if you drink every day, it means you're an alcoholic... ...so now, I only drink at night...
14	A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm." "I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home ...
14	A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's fre...
15	A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left." Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out. F: You here about the dog? M: Yeah, does the dog really talk? F: Sure does, come here and ...
15	A married couple was in a terrible accident... A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on...
15	What do you get when you cross a duck with an octopus? Fired and blacklisted from the genetics industry.
15	What do you call people you like going to new restaurants with? Your tastebuds :)
15	Two men are sitting on a park bench And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
16	Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name," asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.” Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad," his mother asked? "My name...
16	What do you call a spanish child molester? A Pedrophile.
16	Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions Therapist: right Me: screaming Therapist: What’s up? Me: screaming intensifies
16	Today i learned TIL that dyslexia is the same forward and backwards
16	Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight? A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking f...
17	What's the difference between me and Cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
17	Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.
17	Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
17	My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
17	What symbol dispels a hex? A hexagon! -In collaboration with my kid sister.
18	Little Suzy wet herself in class one day.. The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"
18	A man is asked to build a fence. One day a man needed to have a fence built at his house. He talked to the carpenter and explained how he wanted his new fence to circle property, in the shape of a 'D', when viewed from above. The carpenter said "Sure, no problem. I can have it done for you in a couple of days". The...
18	I got fired from my job simply for telling this girl I work with that her hair smelled nice. Do you think they might have been discriminating against me because I'm a midget?
18	My psychiatrist says that I suffer from Xenophobia. Must have caught it from some foreign bastard.
18	A bear climbs up a tree in a man's backyard and won't get down so he calls animal control... An animal control van pulls up and a man steps out with a pitbull by his side. He comes up to the owner, hands him a semi-automatic rifle and says: "Here is the plan, I climb up the tree and start shaking it, when the bear fall...
19	Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play? Marco Polio.
19	My financial situation is so bad... ...I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.
19	Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?" Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".
19	Why did Trump call for a ban on all llamas entering the US? because he isllamaphobic
19	Children are so unappreciative these days. I bought my daughter a rabbit. She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
20	A lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska... So a lumberjack just starts his job in Alaska and it's been a while since he's been with a woman. So one day, he asks his boss what the other lumberjacks do for pleasure around here. He says "try the hole in the barrel out by the showers." So, the next day, the lumberjack i...
20	A man is walking home alone... A man is walking home alone... A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears: BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towa...
20	An explosion happened at a clothes store. There were many casual tees.
20	The sex system A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me, if u...
20	I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog? She said that rings a bell

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